HORROR MOVIES - the Good, the Bad & the So Bad They're Good
Author: Kevin Lindenmuth
Date: 2013-06-17 04:00:00+00:00
Keywords: Entertainment
Description: Collected here are over 2000 reviews of horror, fantasy and sci-fi TV shows and movies from the 1950s to the present. From the popular to the obscure, this extensive collection of reviews from Kevin Lindenmuth offers a great insight into a wide variety of titles. The reviews include titles of interest to Kevin, were sent to him for review, or where the filmmaker was a friend. What you will find are a prevalence of giant animal, dinosaur, time-travel, vampire films and horror-related television series, many bad Hollywood remakes—and more than a few horror (ible) movies that you’ve never seen or
Publisher: Crossroad Press

HORROR MOVIES:

THE GOOD, THE BAD, & THE SO BAD THEY’RE GOOD

By Kevin Lindenmuth

Digital Edition published by Crossroad Press

Copyright 2013 / Kevin Lindenmuth

Cover Photo:

Actress Sasha Graham in Addicted to Murder (1995)

Photo by Bill Brady

LICENSE NOTES

This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only.  This eBook may not be re-sold or given away to other people.  If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with.  If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to the vendor of your choice and purchase your own copy.  Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Meet the Author

Kevin Lindenmuth has worked in the film/television business for nearly thirty years, both in New York City and Detroit. During his career, he has produced over a dozen independent movies, including Vampires & Other Stereotypes (1992) and the Addicted to Murder trilogy (1995-1998), which were distributed worldwide, and seven feature documentaries, the majority of which have been broadcast nationally on PBS. In addition to having written for such magazines as Cult Movies, World of Fandom and Fangoria, he is the author of four books on independent filmmaking.

Previous Books:

How to Make Movies: Low-Budget/No-Budget Indie Experts Tell All (2013, McFarland & Company Inc)

The Documentary Moviemaking Course (2010, Barron’s)

The Independent Film Experience (2001, McFarland & Company Inc.)

Making Movies on Your Own (1998, McFarland & Company Inc)

He has also written segments for The Independent Filmmakers Guide to Writing A Business Plan for Investors (2004) and 130 Projects to Get You Into Filmmaking (2010).

Kevin Lindenmuth filmography: (Producer/writer/director unless otherwise noted)

Vampires and Other Stereotypes (1992)... aka Hell’s Belles

Twisted Tales (1994) co-directed with Mick McCleery, Rita Klus

Addicted to Murder (1995)

Alien Agenda: Out of the Darkness (1996) co-director with Mick McCleery

Alien Agenda: Endangered Species (1996) co-director with Tim Ritter, Ron Ford, Gabriel Campisi

There & Back: Interviews with Near-Death-Experiencers (1997)

Alien Agenda: Under the Skin (1997) directed segment
“Guys In Black, The”

Addicted to Murder: Tainted Blood (1998)

Creaturealm: From the Dead (1998) segment ”Eyes Of The Ripper”

Creaturealm: Demons Wake (1998) producer only

Caring for the Caregivers: Living with Cancer (1998) documentary-co-producer, co-director, Distributed 2000-2006 by Films for the Humanities.

Walking Between the Raindrops (1999)

Rage of the Werewolf (1999)

Addicted to Murder 3: Blood Lust (2000) Co-Producer, Co-Director with Tom Vollmann

Beyond the Lost World: The Alien Conspiracy III (2001) co-director with John Bowker, Tim Ritter

Time Enough: The Alien Conspiracy (2002) co-director with Ron Ford, Alexandre Michaud

Grey Skies: The Alien Conspiracy (2002) co-director with Tom Nondorf & Les Sekely

Blood of the Werewolf (2002) co-director with Bruce G. Hallenbeck, Joe Bagnardi

“But You Look So Well…”(2002, documentary) Broadcast Nationally on PBS 2003-2008

Werewolf Tales (2003) Producer, Co-writer

Turning American: A German Immigrant’s Story (2004, documentary) PBS.

“But You Still Look So Well…”: Living with Multiple Sclerosis (2005) Broadcast Nationally on PBS 2006-2011

The Healing Prophet: Solanus Casey (2006)  Broadcast worldwide EWTN Internationally beginning in July 2007.

“I’m Not Nuts”: Living with Food Allergies (2008) Broadcast Nationally on PBS beginning May 2009)

Blood of the Werewolf II: Wolves & Zombies (2010)

The Life of Death (2013) Distributed by Libre Verde.

DISCOVER CROSSROAD PRESS

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Special Thanks to:

My amazing wife, Kate

My horror fan grandmother, Marie Urban

Stephen C. Seward

Every indie horror filmmaker I’ve ever met

CONTENTS

Introduction

“A” Titles

“B” Titles

“C” Titles

“D” Titles

“E” Titles

“F” Titles

“G” Titles

“H” Titles

“I” Titles

“J” Titles

“K” Titles

“L” Titles

“M” Titles

“N” Titles

“O” Titles

“P” Titles

“Q” Titles

“R” Titles

“S” Titles

“T” Titles

“U” Titles

“V” Titles

“W” Titles

“X” Titles

Introduction

This book is by no means a complete A-Z of horror, sci-fi and fantasy films. In fact, some of the movies contained here you may not even think of as a horror or “fantastic movie” per se. Then, why are they reviewed? Simple: personal preference. Either I had an interest in seeing the movie, it was sent to me to review or I knew the filmmaker—and was interested in viewing their latest project.

Why my interest in horror movies? Ever since I was about three years old I’ve enjoyed them, from watching Saturday morning hosted horror television shows such as Sir Graves Ghastly in Detroit to seeing Friday the 13th movies with my grandmother because they were rated “R” and I was under 17 at the time (and she loved those movies as well!). I even went on to make a slew of low-budget horror and science fiction films in the 90’s, to the best of my ability, and got to know hundreds of independent filmmakers along the way, which, in turn led to several Indie filmmaking books.

You probably will not find reviews of horror flicks that have been reviewed in dozens of books already.  Who needs another review of Carpenter’s Halloween or of Universal’s Frankenstein? This is also not a reference book, listing who was the best boy on Dune. What you will find are a prevalence of giant animal, dinosaur, time-travel, vampire  films and horror related television series, many bad Hollywood remakes—and more than a few horror(ible) movies that you’ve never seen or heard of, all readily available in this age of the internet and downloads. Heck, there are even some short films that warrant a review.

Enjoy the book— and the movies.

Kevin Lindenmuth

March, 2013

“A” Titles

Aaah! Zombies! (2007)

This is one of the more interesting and unique zombie flicks I’ve seen in years.

Tim (Michael Grant Terry of the tv series Bones) and his friends Mike, Vanessa and Cindy eat some contaminated ice cream cones, which have a strange side effect. They become incredibly strong and everyone seems to be afraid of them. It’s not until they go into a bar twenty minutes later that they realize something is terribly wrong with them...

Nick Steele, a rogue soldier shows up, telling them they are “Super Soldiers” and that the dairy they ate was infected with a secret army weapon. He thinks it’s their job to kill the zombies that are appearing in town. To themselves, this group of odd characters appears normal but to others they are horrible looking zombies, which we see through their point of view. Also, everything the zombies see from the normal people appears to be in sped-up, fast-motion since they move so slow as the undead. If you’re sick of the usual, often-times boring zombie movie check this out. The film’s original title is Wasting Away.

Abandon (2002)

Katy Holmes (Dawson’s Creek, Batman Begins), who I think will always look like she’s thirteen-years-old, is a college student whose rich, narcissistic boyfriend had mysteriously disappeared a year before. The boyfriend’s Estate wants him declared dead rather than missing. A police detective starts investigating the case and finds himself becoming romantically involved with Holmes. He’s going through some serious problems of his own, primarily being an addictive personality, and ends up quitting the police force because he realizes he doesn’t want to do that work anymore. Yet, what he ultimately finds out about the disappearance-and how his new girlfriend fits into the scenario— is disturbing. Abandon is one of those movies which thinks it’s clever but is extremely predictable from the start. Also, Holmes doesn’t have the ‘hmph!’ to carry a movie on her own and you quickly get tired of her character. The worst part of all is that this is basically a slasher movie in which there’s no slashing!

Abandoned, The (2007)

Next to The Hamiltons and Unrest, this is the best of the “Eight Films to Die For” released by Lion’s Gate in 2007. The premise is that a forty-something woman goes back to her Russian birthplace in search of answers about her birth parents - and uncovers a murder. In fact, she also discovers that she has a twin brother. Things start to get creepy when they start seeing these dead looking doppelgangers of themselves, which may be a sign of what will happen to them in the near future. The Abandoned is a solid ghost story, highly recommended.

Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948)

I’ve always liked this movie, as it is entertaining, though it does repeat the plot of both House of Dracula and House of Frankenstein. For some reason Dracula (Bela Lugosi finally reprising his role) wants to resurrect the Frankenstein Monster and gets an evil woman scientist to help him in his endeavors in Florida. But Larry Talbot shows up, trying to stop Dracula from doing this. However, the comic duo get caught up in this monster mayhem, as they want to transplant Costello’s brain into the body of the monster, so he’ll be easy to control.

In terms of continuity it does not quite fit as a sequel to the other two, as Talbot has his werewolf curse back and there’s the same preoccupation with Dracula resurrecting the monster. There’s also some obvious goofs, such as when Dracula (Bela Lugosi) bites the villainess and we see his reflection on the mirror or when the Frankenstein Monster walks into flames, rather than fleeing from them.

Although this was the last of the monster team-ups the story is continued in book form with Jeff Rovin’s extremely entertaining Return of the Wolfman.

Abby (1974)

This is basically an African-American take on The Exorcist with William Marshall (Blacula) as a reverend who accidently unleashes an evil African spirit, which possesses his daughter-in-law, Abby. Normally mild-mannered, Abby starts doing uncharacteristic things, like taking off her clothes in front of fellow church members, swearing like a sailor, and picking up guys in bars, to the dismay of her religious husband. When she’s taken over she’s creepy, with that possessed ‘Linda Blair’ look, which has flash-frames to the evil spirit that possesses her. Much better than other Exorcist rip-offs like Naschy’s Exorcism or Ruby.

Abominable (2006)

This is one of the more entertaining bigfoot themed movies I’ve seen lately, up there with Sasquatch and Sasquatch Hunters. The twist here, though, is that this creature is ferocious and carnivorous rather than a peaceful forest dweller. The majority of the action takes place at two houses way out in the woods. In one is a man, paralyzed from the waist down from a rock-climbing mishap, and in the other is a group of college-aged girls. The man sees one of the girls abducted by the creature and tries to warn them, but it’s too late. I think a big influence of this movie is Hitchcock’s REAR WINDOW, as the guy can only look through his binoculars and do nothing as he sees the murders.

The creature itself is cool looking, more like the Sasquatch on The Six Million Dollar Man  than those other movies I mentioned.

Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971)

The movie opens with a Phantom of the Opera like character wildly playing organ music then cranking up his life-sized mechanical band while he dances with a beautiful young woman. This is Doctor Anton Phibes (Vincent Price), not a medical doctor, but a PHD of music and theology. Four years previous his young wife, Victoria (Caroline Munro, in her first role), perished on the operating table—and he was in a horrendous car crash as he rushed to her. Everyone thought he died but he’s been alive, recuperating from his terrible injuries. He wears prosthetic face and talks with a phonograph type device he devised. He wants revenge on the doctors who failed to save his wife’s life, so enacts the biblical pharoah’s curse on them. One guy is ripped to shreds by huge bats, another drained of blood and the nurse is devoured by locusts!

What I like about this is that the character is truly insane. It’s really not the doctor’s faults that his wife died, just his desire to wreak havoc and kill them. And although the movie takes place in the 1930’s everyone looks and talks like it’s the early 70’s, which makes it even weirder. I love this movie!

Abomination: Evilmaker II (2002)

John Bowker’s sequel to his well-received Evilmaker delivers the goods. It builds upon the first movie, has some genuinely creepy moments, and the gruesome effects work extremely well. The sister of Rachel character (Felicia Pandolfi) in the first film, played by newcomer Kylene Wetherell, investigates her sister’s disappearance. The only survivor from the first film was the Stephanie Beaton character, who committed suicide in a mental institution, and all the other people simply disappeared (though the sister finds a skull buried nearby). Once at the old house strange things start to happen and the evil resurfaces, possessing many people along the way, including Wetherell’s boyfriend, who attacks her. The movie is edited well, particularly the handling of the flashback scenes, and the ending leaves the movie wide open for a third installment in the trilogy. Recommended.

Absolon (2003)

In the near future humanity is nearly killed off by a virulent plague that is unleashed from the destruction of the Amazon rain forest. Although there’s no cure a drug called Absolon is invented, which prevents the virus from killing its host. People must take their injection of Absolon every day or else they will die of the virus. Because everyone is so dependent upon this drug the pharmaceutical company that makes it runs the world’s economy. When the scientist who invented the drug is found killed Christopher Lambert is assigned to investigate. A team of investigators, led by Lou Diamond Phillips, is also sent by the pharmacy company-pretty much to make sure no one looks too hard for a culprit. The scientist’s assistant is set to blame for the killing. Lambert knows different and goes on the run after Diamond Phillips tries to kill him. He hooks up with a hot looking woman scientist, who knows something about what’s going on, together they try to find out what the dead scientist was working on. It turns out to be a cure for the disease-and it’s revealed that Lambert holds the antibodies for the cure to the virus (he is infused with it earlier in the movie in a nondescript way). So now he really has to stay alive in order to save humanity. There’s a pretty good twist ending as well.

Absolute Aggression (1996)

This is an interesting movie, from the guys who made Bog People. In 2011, after an economic depression, massive unemployment and high crime, the prison system has been radically altered. Rather than keep prisoners in cells they are kept in suspended animation while their minds are locked in a virtual reality game created by this multi-millionaire named Crowley (Robert Davi). Those inmates who are given death sentences are not only killed in the game, they are killed in real life. There’s a resistance group, consisting of my former Army people, who want to stop this inhuman virtual reality game. One of them is captured and it’s up to the others to try to get him back. He’s pitted against this mean German guy who is in a wheelchair in reality. The scenarios in which they fight range from Medieval times (and shot at Medieval Times in New York!), to the old West. Watch the end credits for ‘Post Production Consultant- Seth Brundle’ and some other made-up names. Amy Lynn Baxter (Broadcast Bombshells) has a brief role as a virtual reality sex object and co-writer and director of photography Matt Howe portrays an investigative news reporter named Dobbs. Indy filmmaker Scooter McCrae (Shatter Dead) has role as Tron, the renegade computer programmer who ultimately defeats the program with a virus. He spouts my favorite line in the movie-”There’s not a program those monkey boys can write that I can’t bitchf*ck!” There are tons of explosions, lots of action, decent production value. I noticed that the movie is copyrighted 1996, so I’m sure this has already been seen in other countries years before its premiere in the U.S. Anyways, you definitely won’t be bored watching it.

Acid Bath (2005)

This is one grueling film, sort of a homage to Herschell Gordon Lewis splatter movies. An insane serial killer is knocking off prostitutes and stealing their body parts. He supplies a Mexican run organ harvesting organization, which provides new organs to those who have the $$ to pay for them. The leader of this place is deluded into thinking that he’s a ‘Good Guy’, that he’s saved hundreds of lives. The film’s title refers to how the killer disposes of the women’s bodies-he dissolves them in a bath tub with acid. These scenes are incredibly gory, particularly the one at the finale, and actually made me cringe. Damn,what a way to go... The prostitutes are getting no help from the local police so they hire an equally insane bounty hunter to stop the killer. Then things don’t go quite how they are supposed to...Although some of the acting is a bit stilted and not exactly Academy Award winning performances, Acid Bath makes up for it with an interesting story, quirky characters and tubs full of gore. Written and directed by Lou Garcia and Annette Martinez, who also portray some of the characters.

Adam’s Revenge: Zombie Planet II (2006)

This is a sequel to Zombie Planet, released a few years ago, and it immediately continues that story. We find out who the hero, Kane, really is (though you could guess it in the first movie) and there’s a final confrontation between him and the leader of the “Upper Class”, a bearded guy by the name of Adam. The zombies seem almost incidental, most of the action/plot-line involving the surviving humans, who live in different social groups. As with the first, I was impressed with how many people worked on this movie and are in it. Just the sheer logistics of organizing such a big project on an independent budget is an amazing feat. The action sequences are also convincing. And Although I found some of the supporting actors lacking in the acting department, I did enjoy the movie, though I couldn’t help but think that it would have been better to have just made one long movie rather than two. I’m not sure that this second movie stands alone without seeing the first. Directed by George Bonilla.

Addict, The (2006)

A twenty-two year old guy is addicted to a new drug called JAX, which is explained at the beginning of the film is 100 times more addictive than heroin. That’s pretty damn addictive (!!!!). He has peaceful daydreams of being half-naked out in nature. The rest of the time he talks about the drug, about life, et cetera, in these long voice-overs that don’t quite work. It’s too scripted. Then, an old girlfriend named Jenny contacts him out of the blue and tells him that she’s pregnant. There’s also lots of heads around—- in one scene a deer head, in another a human head.

Some of the video effects work well, like the posterizing effects and these uneven visual strobes. Everyone who uses the drug also has these mutant infected arms, as if the filmmaker saw Requiem for a Dream far too many times. I guess my biggest problem with The Addict is that it seems like it’s made by someone who never had a drug addiction-and that the script is based on an uninformed idea of what that’s all about. The lead actor is also way too healthy looking-if he was addicted to something like super-heroin he’d look much more like a skeleton, not a well-fed Midwesterner. At a core level this thirty-minute film simply doesn’t ring true.

Addiction, The (1995)

New York philosophy student Lili Taylor is bitten by vampire Annabella Sciorra, drinks blood and spouts pretentiousness for the better half of the film. Boring until the last quarter of this movie where all the vampires she has created slaughter her graduation party guests, in a most zombie-like fashion. This carnage still doesn’t redeem the film, though.

Adrenalin: Fear the Rush (1997)

In this Albert Pyun direct-to-video feature of the week Natasha Henstridge (Species) is a member of a futuristic police force who is hunting a mutated killer that threatens the world. Whew. There’s also the back story of how the world is now contaminated by biological warfare and many people who are infected are kept behind huge walled-in areas of the city, away from the healthy humans. Anyway, it’s Henstridge’s goal to take her sick son to a safer, healthier place and somehow finding this insane murderer will make her closer to this goal. About midway through Christopher Lambert appears, looking as if he stepped onto the set of the wrong movie (maybe they told him it was Highlander 10!). There’s lots of gunfire, people running around inside big abandoned buildings and the savage killer is nothing more than a bald guy with bloodshot eyes and really bad teeth.

Adventures of Captain Zoom in Outer Space, The (1996)

This was made a few years before the higher-budgeted Galaxy Quest and deals with the same premise of a superhero actor having to prove he’s the real thing. On the planet Pangea, which looks like the set of a cheap sci-fi movie, rebels try to fight the better equipped Vectrons but are easily chased away. One boy, whose father was killed in battle, creates a teleportation device and transports a 1950’s actor back to his planet. The boy and his trusty robot had seen him on a television broadcast, on a Buck Roger’s like TV show called Captain Zoom.  Well, this actor is nothing like the legend he portrays, constantly trying to run away from danger. He’s quickly captured by the evil leader (Ron Perlman) and escapes after de-flowering the virginal but horny high priestess. This actor, as the movie progresses, becomes more and more like the character he had portrayed. Not only do these rebels believe in him, he believes in himself, not a facade to hide behind. While not as entertaining as Galaxy Quest which was basically a Star Trek movie, Captain Zoom does have its moments-and is a good homage to the original Flash Gordon serials. Nichelle Nichols (Uhura) has a small part as the priestess of the rebels.

Aeon Flux (2005)

This is an intriguing science-fiction movie, part The Matrix, part Logan’s Run, about a walled-in civilization 400 years in the future. One of the city’s rebels, Aeon, is assigned to assassinate the leader, who is thought responsible for the disappearances of many people. Yet, when she finally comes face to face with him she realizes that she knows him although she’s never met him before. They end up becoming allies and fugitives when his brother rebels against him-and he lets her in on the BIG SECRET that their society is built around. I don’t know how this compares to the original MTV Aeon Flux cartoon, as I’ve never seen it, but as a movie this entertaining and keeps you guessing what’s really going on. It also doesn’t hurt that Charlize Theron is cast in the lead role.

After (2007)

A trio of “extreme explorers” decide to go to Moscow to rediscover Stalin’s torture chamber and a forgotten Metro system. Two of them are a husband and wife, who recently lost their daughter to an abduction and the other member is the wife’s brother.

Before they go on this trip, however, they do a test run on a building in Detroit, a scene which is replayed in bits and pieces throughout the rest of the movie. Just why this scene is repeated is somewhat obvious and before you can say Jacobs Ladder, you realize that this is one of those movies in which the character is already dead and doesn’t know it yet.

The first hour is engaging and I liked all the multi-camera work between all the infrared and mini-cameras mounted on everyone. But that last half-hour, where things become much more obvious, is too long to wait/watch for the main character to ‘get it’. Also, that title, After, sort of gives it all away as well. For “after you die movies” I recommend renting out Jacob’s Ladder and Dark Ride instead.

After Dusk They Come (2008)

A group of friends, including a blonde and a fat guy who likes her, take a boating trip near the Antilles Isles. The main character is Liz (Jewell Staite of Firefly). The boat hits a submerged rock, the boat sinks, and they all survive to be washed up on a mysterious island. In the opening scene of the film we were introduced to this place, when in 1922 a group of explorers are being attacked and killed by something ferocious. Well, these vicious man-like creatures are still alive and begin to prey upon these new castaways.

This the typical “lost on an island” movie but what really stood out to me is how much this film is like The Lost Tribe—the evolutionary offshoot animal men look exactly the same, down to their dog-like heads.  Also known as The Forgotten Ones.

After.Life  (2009)

Anna Taylor (Christina Ricci) is an emotionally distant young woman who is uncomfortable with her relationship with boyfriend Paul Coleman (Justin Long of Jeepers Creepers, Galaxy Quest). They have an argument in a restaurant before he has a chance to propose, drives off and gets in a car accident that kills her. She then wakes up on the embalming table of a funeral home run by Eliot Deacon (Liam Neeson). He explains that it’s his ability to be able to talk to the dead, though she doesn’t believe him. She believes she’s still alive and that he’s a psycho, keeping her prisoner.

The viewer is kept guessing up until the very end as to whether or not Anna is really dead and he has this special ability or if he’s totally insane and has been burying dead people alive. However, both the lead characters are so extremely annoying and unpleasant that you wish they’d all die, once and for all, sooner than the movie’s 90 minute run time. Nevertheless, After.Life is a unique take on the zombie genre...

Aftershock: Earthquake in New York (1999)

The special effects are quite convincing his this Hallmark produced television movie. The various stories, though-about people pulling together in a time of crisis-are a bit mushy. There are the mayor and his police chief adversary who learn to share a common bond (Tom Skeritt and Charles Dutton, both who were in Aliens movies!), a lost Jennifer Garner (Alias) who falls in love with a Russian immigrant, and a mother who must find and rescue her son from a crumbling building. The movie made me want to watch those Irwin Allen disaster movies from the 70’s, back when Hollywood actually had the guts to kill off principal characters. An ironic thing about the movie is that it shows all of New York City’s older buildings collapsed and on fire but the World Trade Center towers are still standing (this was made two years before 9/11).

Age of Dragons (2011)

An odd re-telling of Herman Meville’s Moby Dick that takes place in a fantasy world where there are dragons. It begins with a young black man and his younger sister out in the woods who encounter a huge, white dragon—and she is killed. It doesn’t eat her in one gulp, which it should—it just kills her, for no reason other than that it’s mean. Then, we go to the present, where a soldier signs up to be crew on Ahab’s ship, which is really more of a giant tank since it rolls over the ground, not the ocean. The adult Ahab (Danny Glover) is all scarred since that attack and can’t even have his flesh exposed to daylight, it’s so sensitive. He walks around in a long robe with a hood. And he’s also crazy. In fact, that entire flashback sequence at the beginning really happened in a completely different way, which lends to Ahab’s mental instability.

At first I thought this was cool, until I saw the stupid dragon slaying vehicle. Why not have it an ocean-going vessel and the dragons amphibious? That would have made a lot more sense. If you’re curious for a weird mash-up you might find this movie interesting.

Airtight (2001)

This movie has an interesting premise. Soon after WWIII the Earth’s crust is ravaged so much by the nuclear bombs that earthquakes and volcanoes appear, spewing toxic gases into the atmosphere. In this near-future all the remaining cities exist covered, with the fresh air pumped from miles above, where it’s not polluted. But there are political factions who want to control the air-and the people who can have it. The main story is about two brothers who are part of the ‘Air Corp’, those workers whose job it is to prevent breaches in the city and repair them. Most of their job is traveling through these huge city ducts. One of the brother’s, Rat, is the good guy and the other the corrupted one. When their father is killed Rat investigates-and finds out it’s because of some rich guy who wants to control the Air Corps (and eventually the whole city). Rat learns that a scientist has perfected a way to create air from the oceans -but the scientist is kidnapped. And when some terrorist-type incidents occur Rat is framed for doing it and sent to prison. He escapes-and has to prove to everyone that the city is in danger. He also has to rescue the scientist from the greedy politician’s clutches before they can use his air formula.

Albino Farm (2009)

How is this for an original idea—a group of unlikable college students get a flat tire near a hick town and have to escape for their lives from the clutches of the horribly deformed locals who don’t like outsiders? If this sounds like it’s making new headway in the horror genre for you, then you may enjoy it. However, if you’re actually a horror fan this will be all too familiar. Just rent out the original The Hills Have Eyes. Any movie like this pales in comparison. However, I was impressed with the makeup effects of the mutants, especially the more subtle ones at the very end. This took some bucks. Also, I always find seeing a seventy year old woman breast feeding a deformed child a bit unnerving.

Alcatraz: Season One (2012)

In 1962 all the prisoners were transferred off of Alcatraz, or so the story goes. In the present day a prisoner from back then reappears, having not aged, and he goes after a government official and shoots him. Detective Rebecca Madsen (Sarah Jones) becomes involved and teams up with Novelist/Alcatraz Expert Dr. Diego Soto (Jorge Garcia of Lost). They figure out who he is but it’s puzzling why he hasn’t aged. Then they come across a hidden facility beneath the former prison, run by Emerson Hauser (Sam Neill). It’s revealed he was a young guard on the island—and was witness to them all vanishing. The fugitive is captured and Hauser has him imprisoned in a new state-of-the-art prison facility. He’s collecting these guys from the past—but why?

In the second episode, Ernest Cobb, a sniper appears and he continues what he began in the late 50’s. There’s a bit more flashback story to him than there was with the first guy. In episode three, Kit Nelson, it’s a serial killer of children.

There’s not a lot of chemistry between the characters, especially Madsen and Soto. And I find it a stretch to believe that the four-hundred pound Soto would make a good investigative partner unless he just stayed behind a desk. I always try out a new horror or sci-fi show for several episodes before I decide to continue watching it or not. Alcatraz didn’t make the cut. It’s a bit like THE 4400, a bit like Brimstone and The Event, though not nearly as good as any of them. The first three episodes were too much alike, as if they were already locked into a formula.

Alchemists, The (2001)

In England a pharmaceutical company is producing a fertility drug called Maternox, which is making some women have horribly deformed cyclops babies. Both the mother and the children die in childbirth. One of the doctors has a friend whose wife just died and she tries to find out what’s going on. With the help of a fellow employee they find out there’s a conspiracy by the company to spread a new manmade disease which will make humanity dependent on them for producing the cure, which they’ve already made. Based on the novel, ‘The Alchemists’ by Peter James.

Alice in Wonderland (2010)

To tell you the truth, I’m not the biggest fan of the original stories. I went to see this 3-D movie because it’s directed by Tim Burton. The movie is a sequel, taking place 13 years after Alice’s original adventures in Wonderland. A twenty-year old Alice (Mia Wasikowska) is proposed to by a Lord of a rich family but says she needs a moment to think about it and disappears down the rabbit hole after following the rabbit with the stopwatch. She finds herself in an old looking room and first drinks a potion that makes her smaller, then one that makes her larger. She shrinks back down to go through a small door and is reintroduced to the Mad Hatter (Johnny Depp), who is glad that she returned. They all go to see the blue caterpillar who explains that she has a destiny to slay the Red Queen’s creature, The Jabberwocky (voice of Christopher Lee). Once she does this the White Queen (Anne Hathaway) and take back her kingdom from her evil big-headed sister.

This sequel is a well-crafted movie with its bits of Tim Burton weirdness (with the Mad Hatter) but it also seems too influenced by Lord of the Rings, especially the battle between the forces of the Red and White Queens. In fact, the ending, when she returns to her “real” world is like that scene from Wizard of Oz when Dorothy returns to Kansas. The 3-D is not nearly as good as that of Avatar and is primarily effective with the flying creatures and peripheral effects. By the time the battle with the dragon happened I forgot I was watching 3-D.

I think my main gripe is there’s no emotional connection with characters so I didn’t much care what happened to them. Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland is definitely one of his lesser endeavors.

Alien 3000 (2005)

There are some extremely bloody murders in a California forest and a military unit goes in toe hunt down whatever is responsible. They need the help of a survivor of one of the attacks, a woman named Kate (Megan Malloy). Obviously, this is a sequel to a movie I’ve never seen, The Unseen, which stars Richard (Battlestar Galactica) Hatch, though that’s never indicated on the box synopsis. You realize this when they start using footage from that movie as flashback ‘filler’. Lorenzo Lamas (who gets a credit as an Exec. Producer) has a role as a military guy who is hunting down this alien threat. He doesn’t seem to be into the part too much and I suspect all his scenes were shot in a day or two. In fact, after the recent Raptor Island and his starring in this horrible shark movie I’ve forgotten the name of, I think Lamas is becoming the next Lyle Waggoner of B Movies. Oh, Priscilla Barnes (The Devil’s Rejects, Three’s Company) also has a role as the scientist who is studying these creatures. The plot deals with the survivor’s survival, the interaction between the mismatched (and unlikely) army team, a fortune in gold which ties into the aliens. There’s also a pickup truck painted bright green to double as an army vehicle. The most misleading aspect of this movie is the box art. The alien on the dvd cover looks nothing whatsoever like the alien that is in the movie. In fact, it looks a lot like the alien creature in Bill Malone’s Creature. I usually enjoy the low-budget movies produced by David Sterling and directed by Jeff Leroy but this isn’t one of them.

Alien Apocalypse (2005)

A silly TV sci-fi movie that takes place 40 years in the future when a group of astronauts return to Earth from their cryogenic sleep. They find their world stripped barren of trees because of these invading termite-like aliens who like to eat the wood-and who use the remaining humans as slave labor. Bruce Campbell is Ivan Hood, who is now the only doctor on the planet and refers to himself as ‘The Great Healer’. He escapes from the slave camp and recruits a group of people to revolt against the aliens. The insect aliens are cool-looking enough, like those Zindi insect aliens from Star Trek: Enterprise. The long-hair wigs and beards the people wear are very fake looking. And Campbell is just a bit too smarmy (and, I think, too over-rated). An okay spoof of Planet of the Apes. Directed by Josh Becker (Lunatics: A Love Story, various TV shows like Hercules,
Xena and Jack of All Trades).

Alien Express (2005)

A high-speed train going across the West is stopped at a road crossing when a meteor hits a car, exploding it and its passengers. One of the train engineers sees a small creature darting out of the meteor and goes to look for it under the train. He’s partially eaten. The local policeman (Lou Diamond Phillips in yet another throw-away role) shows up and wants to investigate further, but that train is transporting an important Governor to a meeting and there’s no detaining him any more. The policeman also realizes that his ex-wife (Amy Locane) just happens to be aboard the train, as she’s the Governor’s publicist. Once the train starts moving Phillip’s character decides he has to get on that train and protect the people from the alien, so he gets a friend to drop him off on it from a helicopter. There is indeed an alien on board, not the best looking creature I’ve ever seen. And it’s multiplying at an alarming rate. If this wasn’t bad enough, there also happens to be an eco-terrorist on board, who wants to stop the Governor’s career before his influence destroys more of the Alaskan wilderness. And even worse, when they all try to stop the train, they can’t because the engineer is killed and the deadman’s switch in the control room isn’t working, so the train is speeding out of control-and will run into another train (which just happens to be carrying nuclear waste) in less than an hour. I’ve never seen so many coincidences in a badly written movie. I think the title, Alien Express really refers to what the viewer will want to do once they start watching this-expressing through the movie via their fast-forward on the remote control.

Alien Force (1997)

Screenwriter Ron Ford’s (The Fear, Blazing Force, Mark of Dracula) directorial debut is a refreshing blend of sci-fi and action movie, the story line, interesting characters and special effects propelling the movie to a satisfying conclusion. When a meteor containing the souls of a billion alien predators crash lands on Earth, the ruler of Praximus 18 (played hilariously by Burt Ward of TV’s Batman fame) sends warrior Trace (Tyrone Wade) to our planet. His mission is to track down the meteor and destroy it before his arch rival Gorek (Mark Saywer), who looks like a demonic ‘Gray Alien’ finds it and releases his evil brethren. If he does so, it will destroy Earth. Trace is helped by love interest Sandy and is pursued by the FBI and the vicious alien monster while the fate of the world hangs in the balance. Available from Wildcat Entertainment.

Alien Fury (2001)

This made for TV (UPN) movie uses the overused ‘Invaders’ scenario, with human-looking aliens infiltrating humanity. It seems as if the space program has discovered an alien base on the moon—but it turns out to be fake, just a bunch of made up graphics. Then, turns out that there really is a colony on the moon—and the American government is going to nuke it. But if they do the aliens will retaliate. War is averted in the nick of time and nothing is really resolved. Dale Midkiff (Time Tracks) plays the space agency guy and former wrestler Chynna is a security guard.

Alien Hunter (2003)

This movie takes all the elements of the abduction/alien mythos-corn crops, damaged ship, Seti-and puts it together in a unique way. James Spader is a language professor-formerly with Seti—who is called by the government to go to Antarctica where they’ve found a spaceship frozen in the ice (a la The Thing). Once he gets to the base he finds out that one of the women scientists is a former girlfriend from way back (she was a student of his). The scientists are working on ways to genetically enhance corn-and there are these corn crops raised in these huge chambers beneath the ice. And then there’s the ship, actually an escape pod, which seems to be emanating energy...Spader deciphers the alien language that the craft is broadcasting says ‘Do Not Open’, but it’s too late. The hull is breached and a few people are fried from the blast. Then, half the scientists rapidly succumb to a flesh-eating type virus. It turns out that the aliens carry a virus deadly to all life on Earth. Spader and a few others seem to be immune-but they are still carriers. The U.S. government realizes this and orders the Antarctic base to be nuked. One of the scientists, though, has other ideas and wants to escape, but his escape means the death of EVERYTHING. So Spader goes to stop him from contaminating the surface. Then the Mothership of the aliens arrives....I liked this movie. It was different enough from other ‘alien contact’ movies, kept up its pace and Spader’s character is interesting.

Alien Invasion Arizona (2007)

This is one of the better alien invasion-type movies I’ve seen this year. A group of prisoners are being driven across the desert in a prison bus when it gets a flat tire. Two hot blonde women show up and it turns out they are there to free the Italian criminal, Brando. There’s also an African-American gang member, a Neo-Nazi and a hispanic guy who likes using a knife (yes, all the stereotypes are equally represented here). They are to meet the Italian guy’s brother in a nearby town but when they get to the town it’s deserted. They discover that in the salt mine beneath the city there’s a crashed spaceship - and that it, ironically, is also a prison transport. Unfortunately the occupants have awakened and they are the worst criminals in the galaxy. It’s up to the prison guards and the prisoners to band together to survive. The alien creature special effects are good but the CGI which begins and ends the movie is not good enough compared to the rest of the movie.

Alien Lockdown (2004)

This has all the borrowed elements from Alien and just about any government conspiracy movie out there. When an experiment in the arctic goes awry a specialized military team is sent in to do a ‘clean-up’, meaning they’re supposed to kill any survivors and get rid of any evidence of the experiment. The experiment turns out to be this creature (which looks almost exactly like the alien in Alien, with its elongated head, double teeth and skeletal looking body), which is the amalgamation of over a hundred different predatory species, including DNA from the scientist who created it (John Savage).There’s lots of killing, double crosses, and an end confrontation between the woman commando and the monster. Oh, there’s also dozens of these infant monsters, which look suspiciously like the ‘face-huggers’ from Aliens as well. Basically, if you’ve seen the Alien movies there is no need to see this pale, pale imitation.

Alien Opponent (2010)

An armor-suited alien lands in a small town junkyard. So the owner offers a cash reward to anyone to kill it. So all sorts of weird folks, mostly rednecks, come and try to accomplish the deed. While I did like the design of the alien the rest of the story denigrates to stupid humor, even worse than that in a Troma movie. I don’t care how many explosions and gross effects there are—I want some type of an interesting story. Roddy Piper (They Live) portrays a violent priest while Jeremy London (in his umpteenth lame movie) is one of the yahoo locals. I am opposed to this alien movie.

Alien Planet (2005)

This discovery channel faux documentary, based upon author/illustrator Wayne Barlowe’s book, Extraterrestrial, is very similar to The Future is Wild in structure. The program speculates how a robotic craft will be the first to venture upon an alien habitable world-and transmit images back to its creators on Earth. These computer-animated scenes are inter-cut with scientific experts” opinions on how such a venture would play out and the likelihood of the alien creatures.

Several robot probes land, with the first destroyed in the atmosphere. The other two split up and explore. They first come across a hostile carnivore, analogous to a T-Rex, but it leaves them alone when they pose no threat. A herbivore, looking somewhat like an antelope gets its attention and we see how it hunts. They come across weird plants and trees, more herd-like animals and eventually to the planet’s most intelligent creatures. These are huge, squid-like creatures, at the technology level of cavemen. It’s also the last images transmitted back to Earth.

I found this to be quite a cool program. If you’ve enjoyed other computer-animated documentaries like Walking With Dinosaurs, Walking with Cavemen, and pseudo documentaries such as The Future is Wild, you’ll assuredly enjoy this one.

Alien Resurrection (1997)

I had seen this when it was first released and thought it the weakest of the Alien movies. I was hoping that I’d like it better with a second viewing-and was again disappointed. One of the factors is Winona Ryder as the android Call. She’s simply miscast. Anyone would have been better than her. Then there’s the cloned Ripley, who has some of the worst dialogue and one-liners that would make Arnold cringe. And the events in this movie are supposed to be two hundred years in the future yet, not a lot has changed in the great scheme of things. The ending, when the Alien Queen gives birth to the hybrid ALIEN/HUMAN creature, is anti-climatic and the creature is not very threatening. It’s like a big mutated puppy dog-and it even licks the Ripley clone!

Alien Siege (2005)

Aliens called the Kuklu come to Earth and demand that eight million people be sacrificed in order for them to find a cure for the virus that is killing them. In order to convince the Earthlings to do this they make some demonstrations of their superior weapons power. So the governments agree, going about this by holding a lottery which randomly chooses the ‘volunteers’ to go with the aliens. The aliens look exactly human except that they have white eyebrows. What happens to these people is horrible-they are dissolved alive-and then shipped off through a wormhole back to the aliens’ planet. When one man’s (Brad Johnson) daughter is chosen in the lottery he tries to take off with her but the authorities catch them and take her away. He goes to the facility in hopes of trading himself in her place-only they won’t allow it. It turns out that his daughter has a rare blood type which may cure the aliens much quicker, so they don’t want to let her go. Admist all this is a subplot about the revolutionaries, who are blowing up the aliens’ processing facilities. Alien Siege reminded me of that 80’s television series ‘V’, only not quite as interesting.

Alien Terminator (1995)

A group of scientists, employed by a company called Earth Tech, work on dangerous experiments five miles beneath the surface of the planet. One of them, drug-addicted ‘Brainiac’ has created a virus for the military that will create the ultimate soldier. Things get out of hand when an infected lab rat escapes, which consumes and incorporates each host into its genetic structure. So, by the end of the movie we have a monster that’s part rat, part cat, part human. Although very clearly Alien inspired it is very watchable due to the performances—in a goofy scene the first person infected has a spasm on the breakfast table, only instead of a ‘chest-burster’ this creature explodes out of the guy’s back and through the table!

Alien Trespass (2009)

t’s the 1950’s and an alien spaceship crash-lands out in the desert. A creature, which looks like a giant purple penis with tentacles, escapes and starts eating people. It dissolves them into gloopy puddles. Fortunately, a good alien was aboard and he

takes over the appearance of a local scientist Ted Lewis (Eric McCormack) in order to blend in with the local populace. A local waitress has a crush on Dr. Lewis and is more than willing to help him find this creature. Eventually she learns that he’s really an alien, though she still falls for him.

The movie really does seem like a 1950’s movie, though the special effects are much better. It’s not funny at all, so I don’t think the filmmakers intended it as a spoof. However, the movie has an introduction that indicates this is a “lost movie” from a fictional director and that it’s finally being seen after half a century. Destination Mars has an almost identical story line and gimick and is a far superior movie.

Alien Vs. Predator (2004)

Alien Vs. Predator is a good installment for both the Alien and Predator series. It retains both the moodiness of the Alien films and the action of the Predator movies. Multi-Billionaire Charles Bishop Weyland (Lance Henriksen) hires a diverse group of experts to help him explore an ancient temple located two miles beneath the ice of the Antarctic. Once there they discover that it was constructed by The Predators as a training ground for their young warriors. The humans are caught in the middle as the Predators and the Aliens attack each other. Every fifteen minutes or so the insides of the pyramid switch around, which keeps everyone moving around. The fight sequences are excellent & the story moves quickly.

Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem (2007)

This is an ‘okay’ sequel, though I must say it does very well in keeping with the continuity of both franchises, which is a plus. The movie starts off how Alien Vs. Predator (2004) ended, with the baby alien chest-bursting out of the dead predator. The Aliens cause the ship to crash near a small town in Colorado, where they quickly take a hunter and his son. Aliens burst out of them, then go down to the sewers to get the homeless population. Then there’s the original ‘Predalien’, which started this whole mess and it is an impressive looking monster. In the town, there’s subplots about a guy who recently got out of jail to help his younger brother who is on the same beaten track and a girl he’s interested in. There’s also a new sheriff unsure of himself and an Army woman and her kid in the mix. And this Army woman looks more than a little like Ellen Ripley?

A lone Predator goes to clean up the mess, though it’s a little too late by the time he arrives on earth. He also kills any humans who get in his way. There’s a lot more Predator vs. Alien fighting than in the first movie. The ending is exactly what you think it will be, with a big Atomic explosion, which obliterates almost every bit of Extraterrestrial. Almost.

If they make a third AvP movie, it would make sense to have it take place in the future, as I think they’ve done everything they can ‘in the present’, with these two films.

Alienator (1989)

In this Fred Olen Ray directed sci-fi action movie, an alien named Kol escapes from his prison in space mere moments before his execution, and of course, flees to earth. The space police, led by Jan Michael Vincent, sends the ‘Alienator’ after him. After Kol’s shuttle crash lands in a rural area on earth, he is befriended by Armstrong, the local sheriff (Jon Phillip Law) and a group of kids. The Alienator soon shows up—a towering woman android who looks like a cross between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Madonna—who is determined to capture the alien, even if it means blasting the innocent bystanders who get in her way.

Alive (2002)

Tenshu, imprisoned and sentenced to death for murdering the men who raped his girlfriend, is sentenced to the electric chair. But he awakens to find that he hasn’t been killed at all. He’s given the option to volunteer in an experiment which may kill him. The experiment involves an alien virus type creature that transfers from person to person under intense anger - and they want the entity to switch to his body, as he does have a lot of anger. He’s also put in a room with another death-row prisoner, a guy who is really crazy. The authorities put them together in the hopes that it’ll provoke some violence. The entity is kept in the next room, currently in possession of a woman who happens to be one of the scientist’s sister.

The entire movie takes place indoors, which gives it a claustrophobic feel, but he prison sets are well-designed and visually there’s a lot to look at. There’s also some nightmarish dream sequences with a lot of dead corpses and the last half-hour is when the special effects really get going. Alive is a good body-hopping alien movie.

All Good Things (2010)

Robert Durst (Ryan Gosling), heir to a real estate empire, falls in love with Kathie McCormack (Kirsten Dunst of Interview with the Vampire). At first, it seems as if they are perfect for one another. That is, until he agrees to work for his overbearing father (Frank Langella of Dracula). They move back to New York City and he hates his job. They live in a huge, expensive apartment, though she doesn’t really care where they live— she’s in love with him. But when she asks him if he’s ever thought of having kids, he says that he never wants them. This has to do with witnessing watching his mother commit suicide in front of him, when he was seven years old. When Kathie gets pregnant he forces her to have an abortion—and from that point on they become distant, leading separate lives. While he lives in the city, doing some shady dealings, she lives at the country home. She goes to college and gets accepted to medical school while he gets more resentful and withdrawn. It all culminates with him exploding at a family party, where he drags her out by the hair. She wants to leave him but he becomes more abusive, stranding her on the ledge of their high-rise apartment during a rain storm. Then, unemotionally killing his own dog. That same night she disappears, never to be seen again. The only thing he says to his father is that she’s gone, just like his mother.

Twenty years later this unsolved case is reopened and Robert disappears, hiding out in a shitty apartment and dressing as a woman. He’s flipped out, like Norman Bates from Psycho. And more people begin to die...

This psychological thriller is worth checking out simply for the extremely creepy performance by Gosling. Recommended.

All Souls Day (2005)

Another zombie movie, this one taking its cue from the Spanish Blind Dead movies. The first fifteen minutes shows how people, from 1900 and 1950, have visited the secluded Mexican village, only to be attacked by the undead. Then, in present day, college kids stumble upon the place and it becomes something like House of the Dead, which is to say that it sucks.

All-Star Superman (2011)

Superman rescues a spacecraft that is studying the sun from being destroyed by Luthor, who has taken control of one of the artificially created humanoids on board. But there’s a price—Superman’s cells are now overloaded with power and the sun that gives him his power is now killing him. So he does his “Bucket List”, which includes revealing to Lois Lane that Clark Kent is really Superman. He takes her to his fortress of solitude where he gives her a one-of-a-kind birthday present— a potion that will give her his powers for 24 hours. It’s the best present she could get.

There are some odd characters from the future, Samson and Ajax, who know of Superman’s impending death—and a glimpse of the Superman from the 84th Century. But Lois and Kal El can’t have children since they are two different species. Or can they?

The animation is lame, though it does cover all the major plot-points from the two All-Star Superman graphic novels upon which this animated movie is based. It’s a stand-alone story that doesn’t tie into any other Superman continuity (especially the animated television series or Justice League series). All in all, it’s just “O.K. Superman”.

Almighty Thor (2011)

It begins with Loki (Richard Grieco) freeing himself from Hell. He then proceeds to destroy Valhalla in his quest to obtain Odin’s Hammer. He summons huge dogs that look like a cross between Dobermans and Godzilla. He ends up killing Odin and Thor’s brother, Baldur. But before Odin dies he hurls the magic stone Hammer into the sky where it’s taken to another world— Earth. Thor, of course, is distraught over the carnage and deaths. With the help of a woman warrior with a Spanish accent, he travels to Earth to retrieve the Hammer and also defeat the insane Loki.

Yes, this is another cheap and painful knock-off from the producers of The Asylum, this time capitalizing on Marvel’s new Thor movie. Instead of a 150 million dollar movie here’s a 150 thousand dollar version, which is evident with the computer game CGI and C-grade actors. The worst thing of all, though, is the actor who portrays Thor. There’s no screen presence whatsoever. He makes Grieco look like Laurence Olivier.

Alone in the Dark (2004)

Another lame horror movie based on a video game, starring Christian Slater (Tales from the Darkside) and Stephen Dorff (The Gate). Tara Reid (Josie & The Pussycats) is horribly miscast as a bookish anthropologist who is also the love interest of Slater’s character. The story involves a group of orphans who were used in a diabolical experiment twenty-years ago, who are now turning into zombie like creatures. It turns out Carnby (Slater) was one of these children but the parasite inside him is dead so he hasn’t transformed. An evil guy wants to open up a gateway and let through these Cthulhu-esque creatures and it’s up to the heroes to stop him. There’s lots of wooden dialogue, video game violence and computer animation—and a story we’ve seen way too many times before. This is worse than director Uwe Bolle’s previous misadventure, House of the Dead, if you can believe that.

Alone in the Dark II (2008)

In New York’s Central Park three people, armed with guns, take refuge in a public restroom. They are Turner (Natassia Malthe of Vampire Wars), Wilson (Michael Pare of 100 Feet) and Parker (Jason Connery, son of Sean). Parker is infected with these dark veins all over his face. What they don’t know is that someone heard them and is hiding in one of the stalls. The woman warns that “she’s coming”, according to a device she keeps on looking at, which then cuts to the point of view of something rushing through the trees towards their hideout. They hide something in one of the pipes near the toilet before the creature,whatever it is, attacks and kills them. Three days later the guy who was in the stall approaches Edward Carnby and shows him the black dagger he recovered. The guy ends up stabbing Carnby but another group of people get to him just in time. They are led by a guy named Dexter (Bill Moseley of Dead Air, The Devil’s
Rejects), whose first inclination is to kill Carnby since the witch has marked him. Dexter’s father had dealings with this witch and for some reason she wants Dexter’s daughter, Natalie.

Natalie goes to Abner (Lance Henriksen), who was a colleague of the grandfather’s. But he says he’s done with the occult and doesn’t want to become involved with the situation. He also reveals that the grandfather had gone to the dark side and the reason the witch is after he is that he made an agreement to give her his daughter’s body.

I enjoyed this much better than the first Alone in the Dark, I think perhaps because Uwe Boll only produced this, he didn’t undirect it. Then again, I did like In the Name of the King and Far Cry, so go figure. Also, the CGI effects are to a minimum, which is good, because it doesn’t seem like I was watching a video game. I did think it extremely funny that they cast actor Rick Yune in the Carnby role and in the first movie that character was portrayed by Christian Slater. Maybe they were trying to find an actor who had Slater’s trademark squint and when they couldn’t find anyone said, “screw it”, and hired an Asian.

Alpha Incident, The (1978)

This is sort of a low-budget version of the  Andromeda Strain. A virus is brought back from Mars which has a 100% fatality with whom it infects. Two scientists talk about it at the beginning of the film, then we go aboard a train, where a scientist is transporting canisters of the virus for biological warfare experiments. One of the train workers, though, is overly curious about the mysterious cargo and breaks into the car only to accidently smash several of the vials. When the train stops in a rural area all the people at the station are infected and are quickly quarantined. A few of them try to escape but are gunned down, the woman character commits suicide and one of the others is indeed killed by the virus, which explodes his head in very grisly manner. In the end only the scientist survives only to be gunned down by the military ‘cleanup’ crew. The dialogue is stilted and the story familiar but it’s still entertaining. Produced/Directed by Bill Rebane.

Alphabet Killer, The (2008)

This is an excellent character study of a police detective (Eliza Dushku) who gets adult-onset schizophrenia while working on a child murder case. At first we think she may be seeing the ghosts of the victims of a serial killer, but this may be all in her mind. Or it may not. Cary Elwes (Saw) is her fiance, later her police captain. Bill Moseley (Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2) portrays a suspicious character and Timothy Hutton is a wheel-chair peer from a support group she belongs to.

Dushku definitely carries the movie, which is helped by the great supporting cast. The one thing that irritated me, though, is that at the beginning it says “based on a true story”. Yeah, there was an Alphabet Serial killer but I’m sure this entire story is made-up. It’s like saying a movie is “inspired by true events”. Everything is inspired by true events!

Alphas: Season One (2011)

Dr. Lee Rosen (David Straitharn of Brother from Another Planet) leads a team of special humans called “Alphas”, who have extraordinary abilities. After an important court witness is shotin a locked, windowless room, he and his team are put on the case. There’s Gary Bell, who can see all electrical signals and manipulate them. He’s also autistic. There’s the former FBI agent, Bill Harken, who can get incredible strength. And there’s Nina Theroux, who can influence people’s minds and get them to do whatever she wants, and Rachel Pirzad, who can magnify her senses. Their investigation leads them to Cameron Hicks, who has uncanny balance and aim. He’s the one who shot that witness. But his mind was being controlled by an evil Alpha who can control people like puppets. At the end of this first episode Hicks becomes their newest member, though he’s pretty much blackmailed into doing so by Rosen.

In the next episode they are after an unstable Alpha, with the ability to see connections between everything, who has escaped from a government facility where dangerous Alphas are kept and studied. He blames Rosen for the hell he’s gone through the past six years and wants him to understand what’s going on—that the government wants to take away their powers. That’s where he was doing when he escaped—they were taking him to a hospital to have part of his brain removed. So Dr. Rosen’s group may really be on their own since he’s horrified by this fact.

Alphas is basically a cross between Mutant X and Heroes.

Alphaville (1965)

This French sci-fi movie is a weird one. A man, dressed like a 1950’s private eye journeys to this huge empty city called Alphaville in order to find a scientist who defected to there. The man also encounters the scientist’s daughter, who he falls in love with. But along the way he encounters people who are sent to murder him-and he ends up killing them all. Alphaville is run by a computer and human emotions and desires are being erased-and it’s ultimately his goal to put a stop to it. The odd thing is that there are no futuristic sets, no space-age costumes or any special effects. The entire movie takes place in present day (well, 1965) France and everything is conveyed through the dialogue. Everything may look normal but it’s anything but. This movie really reminded me of The Matrix movies, though it also seems (at least visually) its polar opposite.

Altered States (1980)

William Hurt (Lost in Space, Hulk)  portrays scientist Eddie Jessup who is searching for the meaning of life. As a child and teenager he had religious themed visions. In his personal quest he goes to Mexico, to a tribe of indians who use a mushroom to regress to a more primitive mind-state. He hallucinates and kills and eats a huge monitor lizard. Not quite convinced the substance works, he takes the solution back with him to the States and continues to experiment with it in conjunction with floating in an isolation tank. He becomes obsessed with his experiments, much to the dismay of his wife, Emily (Blair Brown of Fringe). First, he regresses  transforms into a four-foot tall primitive human and kills a goat at a zoo, then fast-forwards and changes into an energy being in the finale of the movie, eventually coming to a realization of who he is and what’s important to him.

This Ken Russell movie is a great adaptation of Paddy Chayefsky’s novel, primarily because the author wrote the screenplay as well. Some of the visual effects/green screen shots are a bit dated, but the makeup effects hold up. Highly recommended.

Amazing Spiderman, The  (2012)

In this new adaptation of the Marvel-comic character, Peter Parker is a high schooler being raised by his Uncle Ben and Aunt May. He discovers a briefcase that belonged to his scientist father and in a hidden compartment are notes with various equations. He wants to find out what happened to his parents (who were killed in a plane crash) and goes to his father’s former partner, Curt Connors (Rhys Ifans of Hannibal, Neverland). Connors is a herpetologist working at Oscorp and is determined to find a way to improve humanity, especially by re-growing limbs. He’s missing his right arm. Parker sneaks in as an intern—and realizes that the girl he likes, Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone) is Connor’s #1 intern. Parker gets away from the group and finds himself in a weird room filled with glowing spiders. One of them bites him. He awakens on a subway car and has an incident with some other passengers—least to say, his spider powers are evident. Things change when Uncle Ben is shot by a robber Parker failed to stop—and he goes on a quest to find the murderer, who has long blonde hair and a star tattoo on his hand. Rumors of a vigilante “Spiderman” begin to circulate—and Captain Stacy of the police (Denis Leary) doesn’t like this one bit. He wants Spider-Man captured. Meanwhile, Connors and Parker get to know each other a bit more—and Parker gives Connors his father’s formula, which seems to work. Connors is under pressure from his boss (an unseen Normal Osborne) to do human testing after the testing works on rats—and he injects himself with the green serum, transforming into The Lizard. The whole rest of the movie is Spider-Man trying to stop the Lizard’s plan of transforming all of New York into creatures.

This movie is better than all three Raimi Spider-Man movies combined. It’s serious, never boring and has much more an emotional punch than the previous outings. Best of all, Spider-Man has his mechanical web-shooters, not webs coming out of his hands. Highly recommended.

Amazing Transparent Man, The (1960)

The movie starts with safecracker Joey Faust breaking out of jail with the help of a woman, Laura Matson. She takes him to a secluded farmhouse where he meets Major Paul Krenner, who arranged for the breakout. Krenner wants Joey to steal for him but Joey thinks that’s ridiculous since his face will be plastered all over the place. Krenner introduces him to Dr. Ulof, who he keeps in the house, a German inventor who has come up with an invisibility ray. Ulof demonstrates this on a guinea pig and Joey is impressed. He later talks to Ulof alone and finds out that Kenner is making him do all of this or else he’ll kill his daughter, who is kept prisoner in another room. Joey agrees to get turned invisible, though there’s a fatal side-effect to the invisibility treatments, something Kenner didn’t tell him about. In the end he gets his revenge on Kenner and also manages to redeem himself. This is a weird little film-noir with sci-fi overtones.

Directed by Edgar J. Ulmer (Detour, Daughter of Doctor Jeckyll)

Amazon Warrior (1998)

This extremely entertaining futuristic adventure is sort of like Xena meets Hell Comes to Frogtown (and I mean that in a good way), with J.J. Rodgers in the Roddy Piper role. Tara (Rodgers) is a mercenary in a future world ruled by savagery and violence, the sole survivor of an Amazon tribe that was destroyed years before. Although she sells her fighting skills to the highest bidder she continues to search for her tribe’s killer, an evil guy named General Steiner. Basically a quest and revenge movie, the witty, sarcastic script and superb performances by all the leads make for an enjoyable hour and a half. If you’re a fan of Hercules or Xena you will love this movie. And I’m convinced JJ Rodgers should have her own series!

American Cyborg (1994)

Think After the Fall of New York crossed with Terminator 2 and you get the idea of this movie. Humanity is slowly dying out and the cyborgs have taken over. The last fertile female, a blonde woman in her early twenties, has to get her fetus to the coast within thirty hours so that some European scientists can put it in an artificial womb. For some reason she can’t be impregnated with her own child-so in order to get it to them she carries it in a backpack type device and has to feed him every several hours. The city this takes place in is pretty much rubble and smoke-and at night looks like the production design from the flashbacks to the future in the Terminator movies, with lots of blue light. On her journey the woman meets a guy named Austin (Joe Lara of Tarzan: The Epic Adventures), who ends up helping her. They have to make way past scavengers and a group of vicious looking cannibals. In a battle with a cyborg who is after them his arm his pulled off-and it’s revealed that he’s a machine as well, which takes him totally by surprise. The woman freaks out and runs away-but he convinces her that he’s truly trying to help her and is not controlled by the machine mind. They eventually make it to the Coast and get the baby fetus to the artificial womb just in time. The woman goes off in the boat with the scientists and Austin decides to stay and try to fight the cyborgs. American Cyborg is too much like too many other movies. It’s part Terminator, and rips off other films like The Ultimate Warrior and After the Fall of New York. And naming the cyborg Austin (as in The Six Million Dollar Man) was just stupid.

American Gothic: The Series (1996)

Although actor Gary Cole (The Brady Bunch movies) is good as the evil Sheriff Buck, the 22 episodes of this 1995-1996 television show is so uneven that it fails to leave much of an impression.

The premise is that Sheriff Lucas Buck is either the devil or some type of minion, and he manipulates the inhabitants of the town of Trinity. Foremost on his agenda is influencing the orphaned ten-year-old Caleb Temple. It turns out that Buck is his illegitimate father and Caleb has inherited some of those evil powers. Also on board are Gail Emory (Paige Turco of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 & 3) as his newspaper reporter cousin, who wants to uncover the death of her parents, and Dr. Matt Crower (Jake Webber of Medium), who is trying to run away/make amends for his past.

Sometimes Buck seems to have little power other than blackmail, yet in the very last episode he summons the spirit of The Boston Strangler, who then goes on a killing spree. There’s also Caleb’s dead sister, Merlyn (Sarah Paulson), whose powers are also all over the place. At first she’s intangible, then is able to take on a solid form/persona the middle of the season - and then by the end of the season seems to be like a guardian angel. Yet throughout the whole year some incidents happen that lead us to believe she’s finally at rest, or vanished, then she appears again, inexplicably, in the next episode. The same happens with Dr. Crower in an episode where Sheriff Buck manages to have him committed to in insane asylum and at the end of that particular episode the impression is that he’s there to stay for the long haul. Yet in the next episode he’s back at the hospital, no explanation. The one thing that really did not work with the series is having the character of Gail become sexually involved with the evil Sheriff, making her go towards “the dark side”.

American Gothic has its glimmers of possibilities but the producers weren’t able to pull it all together in any satisfying way.

American Horror Story (2011)

Ben and Vivien Harmon (Dylan McDermott and Connie Britton) move from Boston to a restored mansion in California, believing it will be a new start for their troubled marriage. He’s a psychotherapist and had an affair with a much younger woman. Their daughter, Violet, isn’t too happy about the move.

Almost immediately strange things happen. The house comes with an old housekeeper, Moira O’Hara (Frances Conroy of Six Feet Under). However, every time Ben talks to her he—and we—see a younger version of herself. And he’s attracted to her. There’s also a weird neighbor, Constance Langdon (Jessica Lange) who has a daughter with Down-Syndrome—and two sons,who are both ghosts in the mansion. You see, anyone who dies within the grounds of the place becomes a ghost, but a ghost that can take physical form.  We’re introduced to a gay couple that lived there, prior to the Harmons, a Hollywood starlet who was slain and a mad scientist and his wife, all of whom interact with the family. Perhaps one of the more disturbing aspects is the daughter’s relationship with Tate Langdon, Constance’s mad-murdering son.

But why is all this psychic activity happening in the house? Maybe it has something to do with Vivien’s unexpected pregnancy, as all the ghosts—and Constance—want the child.

The entire first season is a complete story— nearly every question I had was answered by the last episode, In fact, the story skips ahead some years so we see who the next family that moves into the house is—and also what happens to the evil next door neighbor. American Horror Story is, by far, the best horror television series since Showtime’s the Masters of Horror.

American Nightmare (2001)

American Nightmare, the directorial debut of Jon Keeyes, is the quaint story of a psychopathic nurse who starts killing a lot of the twenty-something characters in her small town. The 16mm photography is excellent, as is the casting—Debbie Rochon gives one of her best performances to date as the serial killing nurse. Rather than relying on gratuitous violence or nudity, Keeyes concentrates on character development and suspense and succeeds in a big way. Highly recommended.

American Perfekt (1997)

A woman (Amanda Plummer), on her way to pick up her younger sister (Fairuza Balk) in a small western town, is run off the road by a crazy driver and rescued by an odd Doctor (Robert Forster) who just happens to be driving by. There’s an immediate attraction between the two but something is up with the Doctor—is he who he says he is or is he the serial killer that’s reported on the car radio? This is a pretty weird movie, sort of like Twin Peaks crossed with The Hitcher, and definitely worth checking out for the cast alone. Directed by Paul Chart.

American Zombie (2008)

This faux documentary is more pretentious than anything else. Two documentary filmmakers decide to make a documentary on the growing zombie population and dispel the myths associated with them. Well, they aren’t all myths. There are three types of zombies—the ferals, which attack people, the stupid/brain damaged ones that can do menial labor, and the higher functioning ones who still try to fit in and have a “life”. One of the zombies works for an organic food distributor, likes cats but can’t have cats because she’s allergic. I think the allergies went away when she died. Then there’s a guy who works at an all-night grocery store and a red-haired woman who makes string art. She periodically gets her maggots removed from this open wound she has in her abdomen. However, instead of using maggots for the effect they use mealworms, which is always goofy (they eat grain, not meat).

The movie tries to treat the zombies like gays or an ethnic minority, though that doesn’t quite work. And I saw that ending coming a mile away. The biggest problem, however, is that everyone seemed like they were “ACTING” and I didn’t feel like I was watching a documentary, even a fake one. Disappointing.

Amityville Horror, The  (2005)

This new movie isn’t so much a remake as it is a re-adaptation (loosely) of the Jay Anson book, which popularized the Lutz’s and their demonic house in the mid 1970’s. If you want a comparison, it’s like the old version of Salem’s Lot compared to the recent version with Rob Lowe. Both are good, both concentrate on different things. In fact, I found this version much more creepy than the first, which is probably because of the digital effects and the editing more than anything else. Ryan Reynolds (Blade 3) and Melissa George (Alias, Roar) do a good, believable job as the newly married couple, whose marriage is nearly torn apart with an ax. George Lutz quickly starts to disintegrate into a mean, threatening personality as whatever is in the house takes hold of him and makes him paranoid against his family. He starts to believe they are demons and that he has to kill them. There isn’t a lot of story which involves the priest and blessings of the house-it’s relegated to one scene in which a horde of flies chases a priest out of the house, and he doesn’t return. There also isn’t a lot of that black goop running down the walls as in the first movie. Instead, we’re introduced to a hidden room in the basement which dates back to the late 1600’s, when an insane preacher killed the local indians who he thought were possessed by demons. Quite a few scenes also involve the boathouse, as well as the roof of the house. In fact, the more that I think about it, this new Amityville is a lot like Kubrick’s version of The Shining, with the ax wielding insane father and the hysterical mother. Regardless, the movie is worth checking out. It’s leaps and bounds better than The Ring 2.

Among Us (2003)

Mark & John Polonia & John McBride (there are three writer/directors for this), ultra-low-budget bigfoot movie is a non-movie, consisting of skits/ideas framed around the idea of an exploitation director (who did a lot of Bigfoot movies, like Gladiator Bigfoot) is now working on a documentary because he says he personally encountered the creature. John McBride portrays an effeminate cryptozoologist and John Polonia is the cameraman, who walks around with a 16mm camera although every time they cut to his point of view it looks like video. The bigfoot design is also credited to Brett Piper (director of Arachnia, Shock-O-Rama) but I suspect he just created the Bigfoot mask as the body is clearly that of a cheap gorilla outfit. The bigfoot hands look terrible, like oversize black rubber gloves. I usually enjoy the Polonia Bros. Movies but this was simply too painful to endure.

An Incident At Bridgeville (2005)

This is one of the oddest movies I’ve seen in a long while. In a small town named Bridgeville, two cyborg aliens show up to prepare for their planet’s invasion of Earth. The female alien, who looks just like Lisa Marie Presley, manages to woo a writer away from his double-chinned wife. The male alien, who looks like Mr. Clean, falls hopelessly in love with a woman whose husband died a year before. It seems that the female is just using the man to find out our ‘human’ weakness, while the male forgets his mission and starts to become more human when he falls in love, an experience he has never had before. The weird thing is that not a lot is shown. It’s explained that murdered bodies are being found in the town-and this is obviously because of the two aliens-yet all this is just talked about. IN fact, the movie consists primarily of a series of interviews with all the characters. Some, like the writer and the widow, are interviewed by an off-camera man with a Southern accent. One woman (who looks like Ally Sheedy), a former biochemist who seems infatuated with how great technology is, keeps a video diary and that’s what the viewer sees. This actress, by the way, is the best performer in the movie. I supposed the gist of the movie is about ‘what it is to be human and to have emotions’. Some of the things said are insightful, some are trite and at other things said you want to slap your forehead and go ‘huh?’. Written, Produced and Directed by Jason Sibert.

Anaconda 3: The Offspring (2008)

A pharmaceutical company in Eastern Europe, Wexell Hall, is trying to develop the Amazon Blood Orchid, which was recovered in Anaconda 2, in to a new drug. The plant can be used to stop aging in humans and destroy such ailments as cancer. Only there’s the small problem that it’s toxic to humans. However, it’s not to the anacondas so they are using them as a sort of biological filtration device. Andy the serum they have produced to make it non-deadly to humans has mutated the anacondas they have captured, making them bigger, faster and stronger. In fact, they even have more human-like faces and barbed tales, not really anacondas at all. The movie should be titled “Funky Weird Snakes”. Dr. Amanda Hayes (Krysta Allen), the blonde, attractive scientist in charge, wants bigger accommodations for her reptiles which is unfortunately ignored by her employer, Mr. Murdoch (John Rhys-Davies of Sliders), a billionaire.

Murdoch wants results quickly because he’s dying of cancer and wants to use the cure on himself. But he aggravates the snake by shining a light on it and it breaks out of the cage and spears a technician with its wicked tale. It dismembers a lot of other people but doesn’t eat them. So there’s a plethora of parts about. It’s also a “Queen” snake, whatever that is. I think maybe they were getting this flick confused with an Alien movie.

A mercenary for hire is brought in to capture the beast and this is David Hasselhoff. He’s hired by Murdock to kill the queen but bring back a baby for 10 million dollars. At the end there are all these bright green CGI snakes slithering about and when we think they are all destroyed a hand reaches in and picks up what is clearly a baby boa constrictor. The filmmakers make no effort whatsoever to match it with the CGI snakes. I guess they figured that by this time the story was so convoluted it didn’t matter what the hell they did. This all makes me leery to watch Anaconda 4: Trail of Blood...

Anacondas: Hunt for the Blood Orchid (2004)

This is an entertaining enough movie but a rather needless sequel (in title only). Here, the explorers, searching for a rare orchid that may be ‘The fountain of youth’, come across these giant anacondas whose breeding ground just happens to be where the flowers grow. They are HUGE, sixty to a hundred feet. The explanation of their size is that they grow their entire lifetimes and since they’ve been exposed to the longevity effects of the orchid are really old-and really big. There are some characters you like, some you hate, and it’s not easy to guess who is going to be eaten. Although I didn’t like it quite as much as the first movie it’s far far above any of those Boa or Python movies that are constantly playing on the SCI-FI Channel.

Anatomy 2 (2003)

This is a very well done sequel to the first movie, this time concentrating on a different hospital and different characters. A secret society of physicians, called anti-hippocratics, consisting primarily of medical interns and run by one of the hospital’s doctors, is doing experiments with replacing muscles with fake ones, which are much stronger. All of the interns involved are also volunteering as guinea pigs for the operations. But people start to be murdered and the newest member has second thoughts about his involvement. Franka Potente, the star of the first movie, makes a brief appearance here as the woman who is uncovering this international medical cult. Highly recommended.

Ancient Evil: Scream of the Mummy (2000)

Not only is this one of the worst mummy movies I’ve ever seen—it’s one of the worst movies, period! Six archeology students are spending the summer at an isolated rural compound with their college professor, working on the discovery of a rare aztec mummy. The mummy is brought to life by one of the students, who happens to be a follower of the ancient ways, and it goes around killing all the students with this knife-like weapon it was buried with. The biggest problem is the screenplay by Jason Mathew Walsh. It is filled with generic college age characters, dialogue sounding as if lifted from some bad television show and he clearly has very little insight in to how real people communicate. I’d say his writing style is best described as character undevelopment. The second problem is the casting of the actors. While most are okay in the roles a few of the stiffer ones really stick out. Among them is Ariauna Albright, whose claim to fame is being in some Junior Bookwalter movies. You would think she would have taken acting classes in the interim. The third problem is the director—why David DeCoteau (whose last decent movie was Creepazoids) put his real name on this video rather than one of his dozen pseudonyms is beyond me. And the fourth biggest problem is that this movie is about an Aztec mummy—the aztecs didn’t mummify people! I was so angry after watching this movie I chucked it in the garbage.

Ancient Evil 2 (2005)

This is a sequel in title only, though it is much better than the David DeCoteau movie from a few years ago. In this movie, a group of friends resurrect the Egyptian God Anubis deep in the woods, who then goes on a killing spree. Of course, there are only two survivors and you can pretty much guess who they are going to be. Nonetheless, the acting is strong, the special effects decent and Anubis makes for a cool monster.

Ancient Warriors (2003)

This new release from MTI is an entertaining action flick starring Franco Columbu and Daniel Baldwin (the fat Baldwin). After the first ten minutes of this movie I was just thinking ‘this is awful’. And this is because of the opening sequence, when a group of soldiers try to protect an ambassador from the bad guys. One of them gets killed, an older man-and Franco Columbu runs over to him, frantic, yelling ‘Papa, Papa.’ Well, this had me a little confused-I mean is this the fallen guy’s name-or could they actually mean that this soldier is Franco’s father? They look as if they’re the same age! Columbu is no spring chicken! And he’s not the most naturalistic actor. Then, there’s Daniel Baldwin, who is always hit or miss in his performances. Good in John Carpenter’s Vampires, bad in this. BUT, if you can get past the first twenty-minutes or so this movie really picks up. Columbu is married to a model-looking wife, has a kind-hearted retarded daughter and he volunteers in his spare time to help at her school. When he finds out that the school property is being sold to a mining company he does some investigating-and soon finds out that one of the people in charge is the guy who killed his father! At a town festival his wife is accidently shot by a sniper-and lays in a coma. So, he calls in a group of his associates to help find out what’s going on-and this is when the movie becomes very entertaining. In fact, it reminded me very much of Kill or Be Killed. And that’s a good thing! The interaction between these characters is hilarious and the script had me chuckling at parts. In one scene, before they are to head into a mine shaft one of the guys turns to his African American associate, who is darkening his face with charcoal. He says, incredulously, ‘You’re black, it’s night and we’re going into a mine’ and the guy replies, ‘Meaning?’. In another scene a guy brings home cookies for Franco’s daughter and Baldwin asks ‘Did you bring any for me,’ and the answer is ‘I think you’re fat enough.’ Later, Baldwin gets halfway stuck trying to crawl down a hole and they call him Poo-Bear! The funniest, though, is when Franco tells him something and then walks away and Baldwin does a perfect imitation of Franco, with his thick Italian accent. I just wish some of this humor was interjected earlier into the movie.The supernatural part of this is that the bad guys are looking for a chalice that has healing properties. It was used thousands of years ago by these ancient warriors to cure illness-but they were caught in a cave-in and buried all this time. The bad guy leader, Richard Lynch (Vampyre, Bad Dreams) is dying of cancer, coughing up blood, and greatly desires to live. But the spirits of the dead start interfering. These effects of the ghosts are creepy-faces staring out of rock, forming over old skulls or just walking around. Ancient Warriors is one of the better direct-to-video action/supernatural flicks out there. Hopefully they’ll make a sequel with all the supporting characters.

And the Sea Will Tell (1991)

Directed by Tommy Lee Wallace (Halloween III), this features Rachel Ward (Fortress) and Hart Bochner (Supergirl) as a hippie couple living on a deserted South Pacific island where they meet up with a wealthy yachting couple. The first half of this four-hour movie revolves around their relationship with one another, with Bochner acting more and more sociopathic towards everyone. The second part deals with the fate of that wealthy couple. It seems that they’ve disappeared off the face of the earth and Ward and Bochner have been found cruising around in their yacht. Ward is the real focus of the movie and the question is if she went along with her boyfriend and killed them or did he do it by himself? By the end of the film you’re still not sure if she’s innocent or not, primarily because the character’s emotions are so flat.

And Then They Were Dead (2004)

The newest from producer Joe Zaso, directed by Ray Schwetz, is an old-fashioned murder mystery doused with plenty of gore. A woman is stalked and then beheaded by a masked assailant at the beginning of the film, which then goes to the story about a group of people invited to dinner at a stranger’s house. They all think it’s for some kind of sales pitch-when in truth it’s for something far more sinister. When they start eating the various meats and there are all these conspicuous close-ups, you just KNOW what happened to that murdered woman’s body...The better actors are Tina Krause, in a somewhat subdued role for her, Sarah K. Lippmann as a bespectacled anal personality type and Joe Zaso as this loony doctor. Although the camera lighting and production values are simply okay the special effects are great, particularly when one of the character’s heads is blown off with a shotgun.If you’re in the mood for a SOV movie with a 70’s feel then you’ll dig this.

Android Apocalypse (2007)

It’s the future and the last of mankind lives in a domed city that depends upon androids to do most of the dirty work. The story centers around a human man who gets sent to a prison colony because he “killed” and android, which means they’ll use him for spare parts, as the androids are partially organic. But the prison truck gets attacked halfway across the desolate landscape by rogue flying machines and he and an android (Joey Lawrence) have to band together to survive. It’s sort of like that Starbuck episode of Battlestar Galactica 1980, but not quite so entertaining.

Also, I think Joey Lawrence watched Starman a bit too many times while preparing for the role. All the other androids act like humans but he’s the one who is supposed to be the most advanced, the most “human”, but still walks and talks a bit stilted. This is the future cyborg movie that Albert Pyun actually DIDN’T make!!

Andromeda Strain, The (2008)

This new “adaptation” of the Michael Crichton novel (1972) simply uses the novel’s plot points as an outline and goes off in an entirely different direction with both the characters and story. An ethnically diverse group of scientists are secluded in a secret underground label figuring out how to stop the strange Andromeda Virus from killing everyone. The disease, which came down from space in a crashed satellite, has an almost 100% fatality rate, in a matter of minutes. The only survivors from the first infected town are a drunk and a newborn baby and the scientists must figure out the connection between the two.

The subplot with the news reporter Jack Nash (Eric McCormack ) is unnecessary and such a cliche its funny at times. I suspect its addition was to stretch the movie to a two-parter. The pseudo-romance between the two head doctors is also trite. The biggest difference between this mini-series and the original 1971 movie and the book is the ending, in which they find out the where and why the deadly virus comes from. It’s far more similar to an extended episode of The 4400 than it is an adaptation of the Michael Crichton novel.

Andromeda: Season One (2000)

I had never watched this television series when it first aired, primarily because I knew it was a loose adaptation of Gene Roddenberry’s Genesis II and Strange New World  and I love those 70’s TV pilots. Well, the only thing that’s the same here is the character’s name, Dylan Hunt, and that he’s frozen in time and wakes up three hundred years later.

It’s not a bad series, sort of like Buck Rogers meets Star Trek. The star of the show isn’t Kevin Sorbo (Hercules) as much as it is the ship itself, the Andromeda Ascendent, the last of the Commonwealth ships. The persona is portrayed by Alexa Doig (Jason X), who is the voice of the ship and appears on the monitors and also has a cyborg body. There’s also a version that will pop up as a hologram. Sometimes all three appear at once and even talk to each other, like they are separate people (it helps to think of them as triplets!). In the first episode another ship tries to salvage the Andromeda—and the members of this ship, captained by Beka Valentine (Lisa Ryder of Forever Knight, 3rd season) become his crew. Dylan wants to restore The Commonwealth, which has been gone for three hundred years, and needs all the help he can get.

The crew is an interesting mix of characters. There’s the Nietzchean, a genetically modified super human, Tyr Anasazi, is a cross between a Vulcan and a Klingon in behavior and he seems to have his own agenda most of the time. Genius engineer, Seamus Zelasny Harper, can interface directly with the ship and other computers via port in his neck. Rev Bem is a friendly Magog, these hairy bat/ape-like aliens that are usually vicious carnivores. He’s the ships spiritual guide and psychiatrist. The most interesting, character, though, is Trance Gemini (Laura Bertram), this purple, pointed eared girl who has a prehensile tail. She seems flaky most of the time but also has powers and abilities she keeps to herself.

There’s several time-travel related stories that I think happen too soon in the series. In one, the ship is transported back in time three hundred years to a pivotal battle and in another Dylan gets in contact with his fiance and is able to go back in time but chooses not to stay with her. In another, turns out not to be a 300 year old crew but a crew of cyborgs created by the sentient ship because she’s lonely...and insane.

Andromeda’s avatar falls in love with another android, (Michael Shanks). Ends with them encountering a string of worlds linked together, hollow, filled with Trillions of Magog, which are bent on taking over the universe. The season cliff-hanger is these ferocious creatures invading the ship. On one hand the Magog are great villains but they look too much like those Boogeymen from Laurel & Hardy’s March of the Wooden Soldiers movie, which gets me chuckling.

Andromeda: Season Two (2001)

Begins with the end of the two parter, with the hairy, vicious Magog invading the ship. The genetically enhanced Tyre and the scrawny Earth-native Seamus get captured and implanted with Magog larvae (think BIG maggots) and Trance, the mysterious purple girl, is able to remove them from Tyre because he’s stronger. However, they’ll have to figure out a way to get them out of Seamus and that remains a back story for most of the season.

Romy (short for Andromeda), the ship’s android avatar, gets more aggressive and goes on spy missions— and also begins to wear a weird blue/black wig that makes her look like an anime character. Their peaceful Magog shipmate, Rev Bem, leaves their company, shaken from the experiences with the Magog worldship that they narrowly escaped from in the Season One finale. One of Season Two’s best episodes is a time travel story in which Trance trades places with her future self and the crew isn’t sure what to make about that. She’s clearly more mature, also a different color, gold, with long red hair. She’s almost an entirely different character. The Captain of the Andromeda, Dylan Hunt, gets closer to establishing some semblance of a new Commonwealth. The last episode of the season tries to outdo that of the first year and succeeds in creating a nasty, new villain in the form of these vicious insect-like creatures, but the cliffhanger doesn’t pay off when the story resumes in Season Three.

Andromeda: Season Three (2003)

A lot of the episodes this season are more political, with the different factions and the newly formed new Commonwealth, which Dylan Hunt (Kevin Sorbo) had wanted to re-establish. Rev Bem, a character from the first two seasons makes an appearance which basically sums up his story and transforms him into something entirely different. There are also some flashback/time travel episodes that make plenty of use of clips from previous shows, which are probably because of budgetary reasons. And Tyr Anasazi, one of the more interesting characters, betrays the crew and makes his departure in the season finale, which makes me wonder how much Season Four will suffer.

Andromeda: Season Four (2004)

This season is much darker in tone, as the new Commonwealth is becoming corrupt and Dylan Hunt isn’t too thrilled about this. Tyr Anasazi makes an appearance for the worst, asking Beka to come live with him and abandon her crewmates. She accepts, which leaves the viewer wondering, until the pivotal moment when she makes her decision what side she’s on. And Tyr and Becka do finally sleep together. Rev Bem, their former Magog shipmate,makes an appearance, sort of deranged, as do the Magog themselves, who are more evolved in appearance. They aren’t so ape-like and wear clothes and use weapons.

In the last few episodes they have a confrontation with the Magog worldship, this huge structure housing billions of the creatures, and it seems as if almost everyone is killed except for Captain Dylan Hunt, who turns out to be something more than what he appears to be.

A lot of the episodes had flashback sequences and many take place entirely on the ship, which is probably because of budgetary reasons. And the finale, in which almost everyone is apparently killed, left a lot to be desired. Hopefully it’s cleared up what happened in the beginning of Season Five.

Andromeda: Season Five (2005)

Captain Dylan Hunt and the crew of the Andromeda find themselves on a planet called Seefra, which is this post-apocalyptic looking place inhabited by grungy looking humans. During the first few episodes he finds the members of his crew and discovers they’ve each been there for a different amount of time. Becka Valentine has been there for six months, Rode a year and a half and Seamus Harper a whopping three years. And Trance not only has a new appearance but has lost all her memories. A new character, Doyle, is introduced, another android built by Harper. Because he was unable to restore the Andromeda avatar he built Doyle, who houses Andromeda’s core personality. She’s blonde and totally different in appearance than her predecessor.

Many of the episodes deal with them simply surviving on the planet, which is actually one of nine identical planets, Seefra 1-9. The spaceship is dead in space, out of power, and they spend a lot of time trying to find a new power source. They need the ship to go to slipstream, which is the only way to get out of this “pocket universe” they’ve found themselves in. Because of budgetary reasons, I’m sure, there are a lot of episodes that take place in and around the local bar that Harper runs and there are lots of “flashback” heavy episodes.

It’s not until the end of the seasons, when the sun starts engulfing the planets, that they are on a mission to save anyone. They end up getting out of Seefra system and find that they’ve only been gone four days since the end of the last season, not years, so it’s almost like the season didn’t even happen. The Neitzeans are still attacking the Commonwealth and the Andromeda gets caught in the middle of a war and the enemy is still “The Abyss”. The series does end with the last episode but it seems too rushed and open-ended.

Angel Heart (1987)

No matter how many times I watch this movie it still provokes a feeling of dread. We know DeNiro is the devil-I mean, come on, Louis Cyphre?-but we still want to know how the main character, Harry Angel (Mickey Rourke), fits into the story line and what the devil has to do with him. Detective Angel is hired by Cyphre to find Johnny Favorite, a man who owes Cyphre a debt. This leads him from New York to New Orleans, where things get stranger and stranger. There’s also a trail of dead bodies left wherever he investigates. As with Jacob’s Ladder, the story is simple and predictable. It’s the actors’ performances and the atmosphere created by the film that makes it so engaging. Directed by Alan Parker.

Animals (2008)

This is movie is based on the werewolf novel of the same name by John Skipp and Craig Spector. The film begins with a trite voiceover that explains there’s a type of human who hunts and kills for the fun of it. They also enjoy the taste of human flesh. Then the next scene goes to Jarrett (Marc Blucas of Buffy the Vampire Slayer), a loser who hits a deer and then sees something with glowing eyes that freaks him out. Then, Vic (Naveen Andrews of Lost) and Nora (Nicki Aycox) are introduced. They are two of the “shape-changers” and are on their way to Reno, Nevada for some food and fun. They kill some guys but we only see Vic with fangs and weird eyes. Then, the story goes back to Jarrett, who hates his job and hangs out at his best friend’s bar. When Vic and Nora have a fight, she leaves and ends up in that bar where Jarrett is feeling sorry for himself. They hook up, go back to his crappy place and have sex. During the sex scenes we see her eyes change color and when he wakes up the next morning his eyes burn the same color, implying that whatever makes her “different” has been sexually transmitted to him. She says she wants to live with him and he goes along with it, unsure, because she’s sort of wild. Then he gets fired from his job, which makes matters worse.

However, Vic wants his mate back (he says they mate for life), so there’s trouble when he reunites with her. He kidnaps her. Jarrett is distraught and wants to rescue her but things don’t go quite as planned. Then, there’s someone else he knows who also turns out to be one of these creatures and he has sex with her, which all seems a little too convenient. And, of course, there’s a confrontation between Vic and Jarrett at the end since only one of them can be the “Alpha”.

I found this movie adaptation of the novel incredibly disappointing. The book was epic in scope, with lots of werewolves, and here there are only a few. The word “werewolf” isn’t even mentioned and the movie tries to make them more like vampires, with the weird teeth and eyes, that turn into these ghostlike creatures. I think they opted this route as it was too expensive to have the full CGI werewolves like in Underworld: Rise of the Lycans. So, if you’re renting this out with the expectation of seeing a cool werewolf movie you’ll end up wanting to melt this sucker.

Animatrix, The (2003)

These short animated films, varying widely in style, complement the stories set in The Matrix and Matrix Reloaded, featuring some cameos by Neo and Trinity. In Final Flight of the Osiris we find out what happened to the ship that discovered the machines were drilling down to Zion, with very realistic computer animation similar to Final Fantasy. And also, in Kid’s Story we’re given background of that kid in Reloaded who greets Neo and Trinity when they first return to Zion. Now you know why he’s so greatful to them for being awakened into reality. There’s also a story about the rise of the machines, a cool film-noir detective story and a few other interesting scenarios that show different aspects of the Matrix and the future world. If you’re a fan of The Matrix movies you will not be disappointed.

Anonymous Rex (2004)

The premise of this movie is that the dinosaurs had never died out. Instead, they evolved into intelligent, humanoid shaped beings who are able to disguise themselves as humans using advanced holographic technology. At first, we see two detectives who are after a suspect-and then learn that this guy is being hunted down by them because he found out the truth about the dinos. One of the detective’s disguise is damaged and we see that he’s really a veloceraptor. Contrary to keeping the status quo there’s another group of dinos who want to reveal themselves and claim the planet from the human mammals. They’ve been allowing their members to eat people as well. The council of dinosaurs (which include Faye Dunaway and Isaac Hayes!) doesn’t want this to happen just yet.In a side story one of the detectives has a daughter who may or may not be what she seems. Somehow she is different than them. This movie idea is both cool and stupid and I had mixed feelings. It’s interesting having the dinosaurs highly evolved but dumb in that all the kinds of dinosaurs evolved, not just one species. There are ‘people’ who are Tyrannosaurs, Veloceraptors and Triceratops! I bet this is the first time Daniel Baldwin has put Triceratops on his list of roles. Ultimately this is an alien movie that has just substituted dinos for extraterrestrials.

Another Earth (2011)

A rogue planet is discovered entering the solar system and it turns out to be a duplicate Planet Earth. A drunk young woman named Rhoda gets in a car accident and kills the wife and child of a music composer, John Burroughs (William Mapother of Lost and Threshold, and cousin to Tom Cruise). She goes to jail for a few years and when she’s released the Duplicate Earth is much larger in the sky. She wonders what her duplicate’s life is like there. In fact, she enters a lottery to be one of the people who will be allowed to visit that planet. She has nothing to lose since her life can’t really get any worse. Meanwhile, she wants to make amends for what she did to the composer’s life—and poses as a cleaning woman. They become friends—and then more than friends. Then, she reveals to him who she is. She doesn’t take it well. This is a very low key, engaging movie with sci-fi overtones. Recommended.

Ape Man, The (1943)

n this goofy mad scientist movie Bela Lugosi has inadvertently transformed himself into an ape-man. He has a weird beard encircling his face and walks hunched over. He can also make ape-noises. He tries to convince a colleague to help him become fully human again-but the only way to do this is to take the spinal fluid from a live human, which he says will kill the donor. Maybe in the 1950’s a spinal tap would kill someone-I’ve had two and it never killed me. When we first see Lugosi he’s sleeping in a cage with a gorilla. Later, he takes his gorilla companion and starts killing people. As in The Ape, rather than beat his arms down on someone, this gorilla strangles people. There’s also a side story about a newspaper reporter and his new woman partner, which is very 1940ish and does little to liven the plot.

Ape, The (1940)

Boris Karloff portrays Dr. Adrian, who lives in a small town and does unorthodox experiments in his home. He was kicked out of the University 25 years before and ever since then has tried to come up with a serum which would undo paralysis. One of his neighbors is a young paralyzed young woman, who he views as a daughter. He promises her that he will cure her polio and she will walk again. However, he needs to get his serum from human spinal fluid. A circus has recently come to town and its abused gorilla escapes. It ends up mortally wounding its keeper-and eventually ends up breaking into Dr. Adrian’s house. Adrian manages to kill it with a knife-or so it seems. The ape, though, is later seen killing people about the town, such as the mean old business man who nobody will miss. When the police gun down the gorilla at the end of the movie they find out that it is really Dr. Adrian in an ape costume-he was killing people in order to get their spinal fluid so he could cure the girl and thus prove his theories.

Apocalypse & The Beauty Queen (2007)

It’s several years after “The End of the World” (all the electricity stopped working) and an ex-super model named Amber has set herself up as Queen of a small midwestern town - and she has an army to back up her power. The Queen’s boyfriend goes around selecting girls to be her servants, only these servants are soon being found dead. He confides in one of them, the protagonist who he recruits, that the Queen is insane and that she tortures and kills them, sometimes bathing in their blood. Gunnar Hansen (Texas Chainsaw Massacre - the original!) has a role as an old tombstone carver and Debbie Rochon appears for five minutes as some crazy woman.

My biggest problem, other than this trying to be an “art film” and falling utterly flat, is that the lead woman, who is supposed to be this super-model, would in no way ever be that in real life - she’s not good looking enough and she’s about thirty pounds overweight for that job (I know what I’m talking about here, as video edited  “Fashion Week” videos for fifteen years). This casting diminished the plausibility of the movie a wee bit.

Apocalypto (2007)

A hunter named Jaguar Paw must escape from the evil Mayans who captured him to rescue his wife and young son from their hiding place. As his village was being attacked he lowered them down into a deep sink hole for safe-keeping. But if there’s a storm it will fill up with water and they’ll drown.

As he and the other prisoners are led across Central America to the huge Mayan city for sacrifice, we’re shown how that civilization is in decline, blighted with crop failure and disease. This is a good adventure yarn, though the “message” is a bit heavy-handed. It’s worth checking out for the sacrifice scenes, in which the living hearts are cut out of bodies and then be-headed, with the heads rolling down the side of the temple. Better than Gibson’s previous movie.

Apollo 18 (2012)

In the early Seventies three astronauts were sent on a secret mission on the moon. Two of them, Ben Anderson and Nate Walker, land on the surface while a third, John Grey (Ryan Robbins of Sanctuary) stays in orbit. But they are not alone. Something is leaving tracks and even moves the flag. Then they come across the body of a dead Russian cosmonaut and eventually find his capsule. It looks as if there was a struggle and there’s blood everywhere. Then Walker gets attacked and taken over by an insect-like creature, much to the dismay of Anderson, who is in close quarters with him. They eventually get the creature out and kill it. Things escalate and Anderson calls back to Earth for help— but the aliens are the reason they sent them on the mission to begin with...

This is definitely one of the better “found footage” faux documentaries and I was impressed how they made everything look like 70’s archive film. Highly recommended.

April Fool’s Day (2008)

The only relation this “remake” has to the original 80’s slasher movie is the title and that it revolves around April Fool’s Day. Instead of the clever, fun film of the original, we have a tedious story that’s more It’s like they shot the script for Cruel Intentions 6 and decided to re-title it at the last minute.

The story is about a rich brother and sister who host a friend’s “coming out” party, which they are using as a means to play a cruel joke on another young woman. Things don’t go as planned and this person ends up dying. A year later someone is targeting these two and their friends, seemingly killing them off one by one. There is a “twist” at the end, which is totally expected. This movie made me want to go back and watch the original instead.

Aquaman (2006)

In the first five minutes of this unaired television pilot, a blonde woman named Atlanna is flying a plane, with her young son aboard, over the Bermuda Triangle. She is on the radio with her coastguard husband when a ray of light shoots out of the water and clips the plane. It goes down and they are attacked by some ferocious, alien-looking sea creature. The boy, Arthur, escapes and is rescued by a pod of whales, which eludes that he can communicate with sea creatures.

The show then skips to over ten years later and Arthur (Justin Hartley of Smallville, Gemini Division) is working at a Marina, saving captured dolphins in his spare time. We’re introduced to a young woman who is his business partner (yacht tours), his adoptive father (Lou Diamond Phillips) and McCaffery (Ving Rhames), this mysterious guy who lives at the local lighthouse and may have answers to Arthur’s origins.

In a parallel story a man washes up, wearing the same type of seahorse necklace Arthur wears, and the FBI knows that this is one of the people who had disappeared in the Bermuda Triangle over sixty years before. He’s from Atlantis and warns Arthur, who he calls Orin, that they are after him. “They” turns out to be this siren who can take the appearance of a beautiful blonde. She reverts to her true form, this shark/s quid-like mermaid, and she and Arthur fight. McCaffery comes in for a rescue and reveals that Arthur is a prince Atlantis and that his mother was its Queen, exiled to the surface world. His father was killed long ago, getting them away to safety. Now, the Atlanteans want to capture Arthur and bring him back so they can execute him. This forty-five minute show crams in a lot of info, but it works. This was a good pilot and would have made an intriguing series.

Arachnia (2003)

This is one of director/writer Brett Piper’s best, about a group of people terrorized by giant spider creatures in the woods. A plane of paleontology students (most of the cast of Psyclops) and their professor crashes in the wilds after passing through a meteor shower. They all survive and stumble across an old cabin, where they run into the craggy old owner. When he learns that they’re paleontologists he’s quick to show them something strange-the corpse of a gigantic eight-foot long spider. Of course the professor thinks it’s hoax-but when the giant spiders start coming around looking for food he quickly changes his mind. It seems that the meteor shower made an opening in the earth for the subterranean creatures to emerge. And they have to battle them until help comes. Rather than using computer animation Piper has wisely chosen to bring the spiders to life through stop-motion-animation and miniatures, which gives you the feel of watching an old 50’s or 60’s giant bug movie, exactly what he intends. As for characters, there’s the reluctant hero, the tough love interest, the irritating teacher who deserves what happens to him, the goofball, and the bimbos (who have the obligatory lesbian scene).This is a fun movie that multi-million dollar Eight-Legged Freaks should have been.

Arachnid (2002)

In this Brian Yuzna co-produced giant bug movie there are some decent effects and interesting characters but the movie is very sloppily written. A navy pilot crashes on a South Pacific island after literally running in to a UFO—and eight months later his sister, a private commercial pilot, goes in search of him. She agrees to transport a group of mercenaries and scientists, who are in search of the source of a strange new virus some native picked up, and they happen to be going to that same island. Whew. You would think that if they are trying to locate a deadly virus they’d have some type of protection. Anyway, as their plane nears the island the engine mysteriously stops and they crash land on the beach. Almost immediately they start encountering these weird mutated insects—and one by one members are the group are killed. The most interesting characters are Mercer, the woman pilot (Alex Reid) and the native Polynesian characters, who end up killing the giant spider with a dart gun when machine guns don’t work!It’s never explained where the giant bugs are coming from but it’s assumed (like a lot of other things in this movie) that it has something to do with the crashed alien ship. Also, the movie ends arbitrarily, completely open ended. Hopefully they will not make a sequel.

Arachnoquake (2012)

In Lousiana there’s an earthquake and from the rift emerge white blind spiders. A chicken farmer is the first to die. Then, we go to a family, led by long-in-the-tooth actors Edward Furlong and Tracey Gold, who are there on a field trip. There’s also a tour-guide, who is in love with his boss’ blonde daughter. Of course, as the movie progresses, the spiders get larger and larger, first the size of dogs, then the size of a Japanese Kaiju. How can they grow if they don’t consume anything? They just lay eggs in people and hatch, then grow. Oh, and they breath out fire. The special effects are so-so, with cartoonish arachnids. One of the lamer giant spider movies I’ve seen.

Arctic Predator (2010)

A meteor from out past Saturn crashes to the arctic in 1825. Obviously it’s carrying an alien or else these first two minutes of intro credits wouldn’t make any sense. Two crew members on some ice locked ships talk about hypothermia when that term didn’t even exist two hundred years ago. Then they see the falling rock and muse on whether it’s a meteor or a comet, something else they wouldn’t know about. They decide to investigate and find where it has crashed. Immediately something weird happens and an ice-creature forms—and attacks.

In the present day a guy named JC (Dean Cain of Lois & Clark) is leading a salvage mission to find those two lost ships which are found buried beneath 100 meters of ice. How did they get there? There is millions of dollars worth of treasure and artifacts on board. Once they dig down to the boats they discover the crews’ bodies, which look like mummies. Then, some of their own crew members die and look the same way. You see, this creature was on board and escapes from its icy prison, even thought it’s made of ice, too. In fact, the whole movie I kept on thinking why don’t they just melt the sucker like Frosty the Snowman? It’s made of ice! There’s no need to have a prolonged battle with a tractor or put us through those really bad CGI effects. Just throw a bucket of hot water on it! It’s an ice monster! Well, as you can guess, this movie left me a little cold.

Area 51 (2011)

Two news reporters, with crew, are invited to visit Area 51, the area that is rumored to house alien artifacts. The Colonel in charge (Bruce Boxleitner of Babylon 5) sets it up so that they only see the plausible human inventions, like a sonic gun and an invisibility shield. But beneath the “regular base” is the area where they keep dangerous aliens. Once of these humanoid aliens can change its shape to resemble anyone. It escapes by impersonating a doctor—and then frees some of the others, including a vicious one referred to as “Little Devil”. Eventually the reporters get wind of this when they are trapped in a room and nearly killed—then have to somehow survive. They also get help from the one friendly alien, who had crashed in Roswell over fifty years earlier. This being looks more like the classical “Gray” type. There’s also a side story about two soldiers, portrayed by Rachel Miner (Supernatural) and Jason (or is that Jeremy?) London that’s not all that interesting. I recommend this only because it’s different enough than other movies I’ve seen on the subject, it moves fast and is more entertaining than not.

Ark II (1976)

This is a blast from the past, one of the first live-action shows made for Saturday mornings. The premise is that it’s 500 years in the future and a group of three young scientists - Jonah, Ruth and Samuel - and their chimpanzee, Adam, travel this future wasteland and help the survivors with their problems, whether it be lack of food or their conflicts with other tribes. They encounter everything from psychic kids to other dimensions, a giant computer that controls a town and even a cryogenically frozen man (Jim Bachus basically playing “Mr Howell”). The Ark itself is cool but the best thing about this series is that Jonah flies around in a jet pack at least once every episode. The series has the feel of Planet of the Apes crossed with Gene Roddenberry’s Strange New World.

Around the World in 80 DAYS (1987)

The 50’s version of this Jules Verne tale is far more entertaining that this television adaptation, primarily because Pierce Brosnan simply isn’t able to pull off the role of Philleas Fogg, the eccentric millionaire who bets he can circumnavigate the globe in 80 days. He’s too wimpy. It does have an otherwise good cast, with Peter Ustinov as the detective following him and Eric Idle as his personal assistant.

Arthur & The Invisibles (2006)

There are many many elements “borrowed” from many many other movies and books, most notably Honey I Shrunk the Kids. A ten-year-old boy named Arthur is living with his grandmother (Mia Farrow) while his parents are in the city, trying to find work. I’m not totally sure if this is supposed to take place in the 1950’s, as the vehicles are old style but new looking, but the music in the soundtrack ranges from 50’s to contemporary, with even a David Bowie song thrown in (he does the voice as the villain).

His grandmother tells him stories about his missing grandfather and he utterly believes these tales, even the ones about a tribe of miniature humanoids. In fact, when the bank warns the grandmother that they are going to repossess her house Arthur goes on a quest to find some hidden rubies his grandfather had hidden on the grounds - and in order to do this travels to the world of these tiny people. Once there, he meets a princess (voice of Madonna) and together they set off on their mission.

Animated movies such as Shreck and the Pixar movies work on a few different levels but Arthur & The Invisibles is just for kids and if you’re an adult I’m sure you’ll be somewhat bored. Directed by Luc Besson (The Fifth Element)

Ashes to Ashes: Season One (2008)

This is the follow-up series to the two seasons of Life on Mars. In the present a police detective, Alex Drake, is shot and wakes up to find herself in 1981, surrounded by all the characters Sam Tyler had written about in his journal . She believes she’s fighting for her life after being shot in the head by a crazed criminal. So she treats her experiences in 1981 as if it’s all a battle in her mind and that if she’s fighting for her life in this past world she’s fighting to stay alive in the present. Not only does she have to contend with DCI Gene Hunt, who is now working in London with policemen Ray Carling and Chris Skelton, but she has to resolve a conflict with her mother, who is still alive and is slated to die in a car bombing within the month. Can she change history and prevent her parents from dying? That is the big question.

This show will be very familiar to fans of Life on Mars yet it’s different enough to be interesting and it’s unpredictable. And there’s lots of Roxy Music songs.

Ashes to Ashes: Season Two (2009)

The premise of this UK television series is that a detective from the present day is transported to the early 1980’s after she is shot in the head. There, she is part of a police department and must solve crimes that may determine if she can return to her own time period. If she dies from her wound she’ll be trapped in this world.

The first season was not as good as Life on Mars and this second season is not as good as the first season of Ashes to Ashes. I think it’s because the main character Alex Drake knows she’s in a coma and has to wake up. There’s none of that guessing Sam Tyler did in Life on Mars. She wants to get back to her daughter and there’s another person from the future who wants her to help him. She believes he is corrupt and will chance contaminating herself.

The more interesting story lines belong to the supporting characters. Gene Hunt and Alex seem to have a mutual attraction which surprisingly works, Chris Skelton, the youngest on the team, is getting married to a co-worker and Ray Carling becomes less of an asshole after going through some shit. However, the last episode is totally open ended. Alex wakes up from her coma only to be harassed by Gene Hunt, who she sees on the television talking to her, telling her that she must come back.

Assault on Precinct 13 (2004)

This is a ‘remake’ pretty much in name only, baring little resemblance to the Carpenter classic movie. Instead of a gang invading a closing precinct it’s a group of crooked cops who want to silence one of the prisoners-(Lawrence Fishbourne) and they have to kill everyone else who is there. One of the weirdest things about it is that it’s supposed to take place in Detroit but the geography is really messed up. A good portion of the battle happens at the police station but there’s a point when they leave and enter this nearby pine forest. And in one particular shot, high in the forest, we can see the skyline of Detroit in the background. I can tell you that there are no forests remotely near Detroit, much less pine forests. The city is surrounded by crowded suburbs. I suppose none of the filmmakers have ever been to ‘The Motor City’.This new Assault isn’t bad, but it is a typical Hollywood ‘shoot ‘em up’ action movie.

Astronaut’s Wife, The (1999)

Johnny Depp portrays Commander Spencer Armacost, a shuttle pilot. He and his partner are outside of the shuttle when there’s a mysterious explosion. They remember little of what happened, though both appear to be fine. However, once he returns to Earth Spencer begins to act like a different person. Or so his wife, Jillian (Charlize Theron) perceives. She becomes pregnant— but what she’s pregnant with may not be entirely human. The movie is a cross between Rosemary’s Baby and an alien invasion movie and works on both levels. Great performances, a suspenseful script make this an enjoyable horror thriller.

Atlantis: The Lost Empire (2002)

This animated Disney movie reminds me of Journey to the Center of the Earth and the 70’s movie Warlords of Atlantis, which is not a bad thing. And one of the script writers (there’s like six or seven) is Joss Whedon (creator of Buffy, Angel, Firefly), another plus going for it. The events take place in the early 1900’s, about a museum curator named Milo Thatch who is given a chance to go on the trip of his dreams-to find the Lost City of Atlantis. A rich friend of his deceased grandfather funds the trip-and gives him the map that was left to him. Along on the adventure are a group of military types, a demolitions expert, a guy named ‘Mole’, who seems to be more animal than human, an African/Native American Doctor and a Puerto Rican female mechanic (have to cover as many ethnic groups as possible, I guess). There are a few sea monsters and the city itself is cool, as are its inhabitants, these dark skinned, white haired natives, who reminded me of New Zealand Maori. Of course, Milo falls in love with the Princess, who he ultimately has to protect from some of the shady characters he’s with. I was surprised how many of the ‘extra’ characters, such as the crew of the submarine, were killed off in explosions, considering this is a Disney movie, but that’s fine with me. Atlantis is a good adventure movie.

Attack of the Beast Creatures (1985)

In 1920 the survivors of a luxury liner are stranded on a strange island in the North Atlantic inhabited by small red demon-like creatures very similar to that Zuni fetish doll in Dan Curtis’ Trilogy of Terror. While trying to avoid being consumed by the diminutive monsters the survivors also have to avoid the pools of acid that inexplicably dot the landscape. As for what the creatures ARE very little is explained. The survivors are so busy trying to run away or getting killed by them that there isn’t any time. Plus, I think the lack of explanation adds to the unique strangeness of the movie.

Attack of the Giant Leeches (1959)

In the swamps a drunk poacher sees one of the creatures and shoots at it. No one believes him. Later he shows up half-drained of blood. Then more people start to disappear. One of them is a two-timing wife (who may or may not deserve what she gets). The new ranger is the designated hero. On a diving expedition down one of the lagoons they discover an underground cavern-and a lot of dead or dying bodies. The leeches aren’t entirely bad looking, though in a few shots look like divers with big plastic bags over them. In the end they blow them up with dynamite and the giant leeches come floating to the surface.The best scenes of this movie are when they show the leech victims moaning and screaming in this underground cavern as the giant leeches feed on them. This scene has always stuck in my mind since I was a kid. Unfortunately, the rest of the movie doesn’t quite equal that reaction.

Attack of the Giant Leeches (2009)

Brett Kelly’s newest monster movie is about those damn giant bloodsucking worms.

The movie starts with an old codger spying on a trio of young girls out in the woods, by a lake. He’s out hunting but there are no animals to be seen. He soon discovers why when he’s wading in a marsh and is attacked by a three foot long leech that jumps up an attaches itself to his privates. He manages to get it off and goes back into town with the wild story. No one believes him, of course.

Other characters include a cheating wife and her bald husband, who looks like Paul Bartel. The main characters are the newly appointed game warden and his girlfriend and her father, who just happens to be a doctor/scientist. He looks just like Jack LaLane, only without the muscles. This is a lot like Roger Corman’s original Attack of the Giant Leeches but I found it more entertaining because it’s funnier. For example, in a scene in which the doctor says “the body has been forcibly drained of blood” the game warden replies, “Doc, speak English”. How can you get more clearer than that?

The giant leeches look best when they are sliding through the water, particularly when accompanied by that music. The only thing I thought a bit weird is that the entire story takes place around this marsh and it’s clearly September or October, by the height of those corn crops in the background, and it’s also way up north, by all those pine trees— and leeches tend to not like the cold water. I guess this can be attributed to their mutation as well.

Attack of the Griffin (2007)

I couldn’t decide which lead actor was homelier - Jonathan LaPaglia (Seven Days) or Amber Benson (Buffy the Vampire Slayer). Larry Drake (Darkman, Dark Night of the Scarecrow, Dr. Giggles ) always portrays a great villain and he doesn’t fail here with his over-the-top performance. The computer generated - or I should say, cartoon Griffin is anything but ferocious and has to be among the lamest CGI creatures I’ve ever seen in a movie. Attack of the Griffin is really an Attack of the Bad Movie.

Attack of the Puppet People (1958)

A former puppeteer, who is still burning from the fact that his wife left him years ago, now runs a small doll factory. Because he feels he has no control in life he develops a special sort of ray that is able to shrink people to doll size. Then, he shrinks people he’s attached to and keeps them in these containers so they won’t go away, like his wife. Well, he shrinks two of the wrong people-the recent secretary who works for him and her fiance, a salesman and they’re eventually able to escape and re-enlarge themselves, leaving the doll maker alone. In the middle of the movie there’s a scene where the couple are at a drive-in and they are watching The Amazing Colossal Man, which Bert I. Gordon also directed. An interesting movie, better than the title suggests.

Attack of the Sabretooth (2005)

A billionaire invites potential investors to his private island, where he plans on opening PRIMAL PARK, a hotel and zoo which features animals that have been long extinct. The place has the worst security in the world-when the electricity goes out all of the park’s gates open, letting the sabretooth cats out. At first, a few of the employees get eaten. Then, everyone in the party starts panicking and leaving. It turns out there are three cats-and one of these is a deformed giant, which drags itself around by it’s front legs, as it has no rear ones. These sabretooths look better than in that previous Sabretooth movie that aired on the Sci-Fi Channel-and there’s ample gore. In fact, to give a reason why the cats dismember their prey is that they like to kill more than they like to eat-so they vomit up their food so they can kill and eat more. I think it’s a first to have bulemic sabretooths! The movie basically a low-budget version of Jurassic Park.

Attack of the Supermonsters (1992)

In the year 2000 the Earth is invaded by the reappearance of talking dinosaurs who have awakened from their hibernation deep beneath the Earth. Lead by the evil Emperor Tyrannus they begin their destruction, the obliteration of mankind their goal. Although the first ten minutes or so is fairly entertaining, the effects in the realm of Ultraman or Johnny Soko and his Flying Robot, the movie becomes both childish and surreal when we are introduced to the humans who are at battle with the giant lizards. Whereas the dinos are live-action men in suits the human characters are all animated cartoons-and the two formats do not mix. A really strange idea that completely misses the mark.

Attic, The (2008)

Although it has some decent actors, such as John Savage and Catherine Mary Stewart (Night Flyers), this psychological suspense/supernatural ghost story has an amateurish feel to it. I blame this on the screenplay, which is so predictable it’s actually a cliche (co-written by Tom Malloy, who portrays the retarded brother in the movie). While actress Elisabeth Moss is interesting, she can’t carry a movie, and when she starts going crazy it’s way over the top (and a retread of stuff she’s previously been in, like Invasion). The worst actor, though, is Thomas Jay Ryan, who I suppose is supposed to be eye candy for the female viewers. Directed by Mary Lambert, who has fallen a long way since Pet Sematary . Whatever you do, don’t look in The Attic.

Automaton Transfusion (2008)

Crazy title for what is really a standard zombie movie. It’s by no means a bad movie but it is all too familiar territory. A remote town is being taken over by what appears to be zombies and it’s because of an Army experiment in reanimating corpses. Of course, they’re not able to control the rampaging creatures.

The majority of the story focuses on a group of high schoolers who represent the various cliques of high school. The special effects are impressive and there’s one scene I’ve never seen before in a movie— the zombie reaches into a pregnant woman’s stomach, rips out the unborn child and starts eating it. So if you’re into gore the movie is worth renting for this alone.

There’s also one scene where they are in a city and are chased by a mob of zombies. They take refuge in a bar and I kept on expecting Shaun of the Dead to make a cameo. However, the incredibly unsatisfying ending was lame (a sequel is implied) and made me want to drop kick the dvd after I popped it out. As it was, I threw something at the television.

Autopsy (2009)

A group of college students are partying in New Orleans and get in a car accident while driving. As they are recovering from the crash they see that they ran over an old guy dressed in a hospital gown. Out of nowhere an ambulance comes to take him away—and the two suspicious looking orderlies tell them all to get in the ambulance so they can take them to the nearby hospital to get checked out.

Once in the hospital things get weirder. First, it’s empty and there seems to be only one doctor (Robert Patrick) and one nurse. Then each of them is led off to be examined, only never to return. The doctor is up to something, which the sole surviving girl discovers. The doctor has been trying to keep his ill wife alive with highly experimental procedures which involve the need for fresh organs.

Autopsy is very much a throwback to those drive-in movies of the 1970’s, like Horror Hospital, gleeful in its carnage.

Autumn (2009)

This zombie flick from the UK begins like the show Survivors, with nearly everyone killed off by an Ebola-like plague. Some people are immune, such as a teacher, a father and a student. At first there’s a large group but three of them—Michael, Emma and Carl— go off on their own, out into a house in the country where it may be safer from all the rotting bodies. Yet, those bodies aren’t staying still. They are reanimating. At first they are very sluggish and slow. They don’t want to eat anyone. Until they day they begin to be attracted by light and sound. When one of the guys goes out to check the electric generator he has to get past several of the walking dead. Then, one guy is attacked by a fast one. The zombies are becoming more intelligent and can plan things out, such as when they ambush a small dog to eat. The last twenty minutes of the movie seems like it was tagged on, as it introduces David Carradine as an old guy who has his zombie mother tied up in bed. This whole thing is unnecessary and boring.

While the story adds absolutely nothing to the zombie sub-genre they did at least have decent makeup effects. These creatures are horribly realistic looking in their decomposition. As of this point I a m officially burned out on zombie movies.

Avalon (2001)

This Chinese produced movie is very much influenced by movies like The Matrix and those virtual reality movies that soon followed. This one has great production (I believe it was shot in Poland) values but the story seems too familiar and offered nothing new to the genre. Virtually forgettable.

Avalon High (2010)

Allie Pennington, a teenaged girl (Brittany Robertson), moves to a new house when her teacher parents get jobs teaching at the local university. They teach Medieval history. That first morning she has dreams of being a Knight. At school she meets Will, head of the football team, his friend Lance, and Miles, who has psychic powers. He can see the future. In history class they get class assignments about King Arthur and Camelot. Allie picks “The Order of the Bear”. She has no idea what that is and asks her teacher. He tells her to ask her parents, who know all about it. It’s a secret society that believes King Arthur and his Court will be reincarnated in a time of need. But the evil Mordred will also return, hell bent on preventing this return. It looks like Will’s step-brother, Marco, is Mordred. He does such horrible things as pick on Miles and puts candy bugs on food when he tries to ruin a party. Allie comes to believe that Will is King Arthur. When she asks him what he wants to do with his life, he says that he wants to be President. And the architecture of Avalon High is exactly that of ancient Camelot. Even Lance and Will’s girlfriend hook up, like in the legend. But there are some surprising twists and people aren’t who you think they are. I enjoyed this Disney Channel movie but it got my mind going to the possibilities of an “R” rated version,sort of like what Cruel Intentions did to Dangerous Liaisons. Now THAT would be very cool.

Avatar (2009)

James Cameron’s science-fiction epic has a very simple story which is more than made up for with some spectacular visuals. The premise is that paralyzed soldier Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) volunteers to go to the jungle planet Pandora to get enough money to get his legs back. His identical twin brother, who had trained for the Avatar program, was killed and he’s the only one who can operate the body since it was made with his DNA (and identical twins have the same DNA). He’s the only soldier in the program and all the others, including head honcho Grace (Sigourney Weaver) are scientists. The Avatars look exactly like the native humanoid species, the Na’vi. They are seven feet tall, cat-like, blue and have tails. They are also tuned into the planet’s consciousness via neural interlinks to both animals and plants.

The humans, who are there working for an evil corporation, are mining a rare metal that is only found on the planet. The biggest deposit is right underneath the natives’ home, a gigantic tree. Jake’s mission is to learn everything he can about the natives and ultimately convince them to relocate. However, in the next three months he ends up falling in love with Neytiri (Zoe Saldana of Star Trek) and has to decide if he’s on the human’s side or the Na’vis’ side.

The 3D is effectively integrated into the story and doesn’t draw attention to itself with crap flying out of the screen. As I said, the story is exactly what you think it will be, and many of the actors are typecast, with Michelle Rodriguez as a tough soldier, Giovanni Ribisi as a slimy, sociopathic businessman and Joel Moore (tv series Bones) as a nerdy scientist. As I was watching the movie I kept on thinking it is like an expanded, overblown version of Ursula K. LeGuin’s book, The Word For World is Forest.

The computer generated effects are, of course, amazing. Avatar is not James Cameron’s best but it is a damn good adventure movie.

Avengers, The (2012)

This is much more of a sequel to Thor and Captain America, though takes into consideration the two Iron Man movies and the most recent Incredible Hulk film.

The premise is that S.H.I.E.L.D is studying a powerful energy source from Asgaard and Loki shows up and steals it. Banished from that mythical kingdom a year before, he’s found alien allies and together with them wants to conquer Earth. Hawkeye is brainwashed into becoming Loki’s henchmen and when Black Widow hears this she’s ready to go to his rescue.

Nick Fury approaches the Superheroes and tries to get them into a team, though there’s lots of fighting, with Iron Man fighting Thor, Hulk fighting Thor and Iron Man continually quarreling with Captain America. All of this works. What doesn’t work is a long scene in which the Hulk chases after Black Widow— it’s inconsistent with how the Green Goliath behaves before and after this scene and doesn’t do anything for the overall story. The 3-D effects actually work well, particularly with all the flying—of the characters, spaceships and S.H.I.E.L.D.’s impressive heli-carrier.

Of course, this version of The Avengers is more in line with Marvel’s The Ultimates series than it is the original story (I miss Ant Man & The Wasp!), with a bit of humor thrown in. It’s worth seeing just for the Hulk/Loki fight. Overall, this Joss Whedon directed movie was well worth the wait. Highly recommended.

Awake: Season One (2012)

Michael Britten (Jason Isaacs of Event Horizon, Soldier) is a police detective who is living two lives—a situation caused by a car accident. In one reality his wife, Hannah (Laura Allen of 4400) is alive and his teenaged son, Rex, is dead. In the other reality Rex is alive but his mother is dead. He switches over from one world to the next when he goes to sleep—at least, at first. When he investigates a case in one world—it often ties, via a clue or two, to a case he’s working on in the other. He’s also seeing two psychiatrists, who both insist the reality he’s currently in is the real one. But Britten insists he wants to exist in both, as it’s the only way he can see all of his family again.

There are complications. It’s hinted that his car accident was no accident—and his police Captain (Laura Innes of The Event) has something to do with it. Once Britten realizes this—and begins searching for the reason why, we’re led to believe that once he solves his own personal case that he’ll go back to the “right” reality. But which one will it be?

While it does wrap up the story line of why someone caused the car crash it’s never explained why there are two realities—and the last—and final—13th episode doesn’t quite bring it all together. Still this is an intriguing television series, well-written and acted, that will keep you guessing. Recommended.

Awaken the Dead (2007)

I was pleasantly surprised that this new independent zombie avoided re-hashing what has gone before, standing on its own as a dark, sarcastic undead horror thriller (whew). Yes, there are plenty of zombies but the characters are the interesting ones here. First, there’s the ex-assassin priest, Christopher, who is in mental turmoil about his life and the things he has done. Then there’s the love-interest female, Mary, who is trying to escape a sleazy past. Both, however, share their hatred of her father, Jeremiah, who had trained Christopher when he was working with the government and practically raised him as a son. Then there’s the identity lost Jehovah’s witness, the crazy violent guy and his girlfriend who was just bitten by one of the zombies...

The story begins with Christopher being sent a letter, telling him to meet at a house, which happens to be where Mary has holed herself up. Before they know it the neighborhood is over-run with zombies. Fortunately, though, the windows are all shatter proof and they can’t get in right away. When they eventually do have to venture outside they discover what’s causing the zombie infestation and why - and while it’s not totally surprising it’s a satisfying enough explaination. There’s plenty of gore, the film is well-paced and the dialogue had me chuckling a few times (though there is the predictable one-liner every so often). Directed by Jeff Brookshire

Awakening, The (2012)

In 1921 a woman, Florence Cathcart, who has made a career at debunking supernatural hoaxes, is approached by a teacher who claims that his private boarding school is haunted by the ghost of a child. At first she doesn’t want to take the job but he convinces her to investigate. As the movie progresses she becomes more and more convinced that the spirit is real—and trying desperately to tell her something. Is her life in danger? And why does the school seem so familiar. This is a well-constructed movie that keeps you guessing what’s going on until the very end, with good special effects and a great payoff. Recommended.

Aztec Rex (2008)

The only thing good about this is the title and the premise. Ian Ziering (Beverly Hills 90210) is the Spanish explorer Cortez, who encounters a group of Aztecs who sacrifice people to a Tyrannosaur that’s living nearby. They kill the dinosaur but there’s another. Half of Cortez’s men defect and want to help the Native Americans and Cortez and the others want to steal their gold.

The CGI dinosaur effects are decent and the killings are surprisingly gory for television. Otherwise, another forgettable pseudo sci-fi movie.

“B” Titles

B-Movie: The Making of Farmhouse Massacre (2002)

Blood Cinema’s mockumentary is quite funny, reminding me a bit of American Movie. Here, two filmmakers are being interviewed about their B-Production in all seriousness, and we see bits and pieces of the production. In one of the most hilarious scenes is the ones with Debbie Rochon, where director Vito, radiating ‘Fanboy’ approaches her to read his 15 page script and she asks if it’s an outline. ‘No, no’ he explains, ‘That’s the script’ Later, after the reads it, she storms in his motel room, furious that it seems like a soft-core porn movie. Between seeing Debbie in this movie and in Paul Scrabo’s Dr. Horror’s Erotic House of Idiots I’ve come to realize what a great comedic actress this woman is. This movie is highly recommended.

Baby Doll (2003)

The movie starts off with a reporter doing an interview with Casey Henson, who seems to be in a mental institution. Kind of like Slingblade, but instead of a fat Billy Bob with an ‘uh huh’ accent it’s Al Gore’s niece (Rosemary Gore) doing an Anthony Perkins Pycho imitation. As she tells the story, it goes into a flashback to when she killed a man. She answered an add in the paper to meet a guy and when he showed up knocked him out and tied him to her bed. She then dresses up like a six-year-old girl, with exaggerated makeup, and speaks in an irritating baby voice. Please, I kept on saying aloud, please let her stop talking like that...Anyway, the movie then goes to a flashback within a flashback of how she was abused by her father, then taken away and adopted by a more abusive family. This is, presumably, where her killing rage-and split personality-come from. Then we see how she tortures and kills the guy tied to her bed. There’s a ‘twist’ ending that kind of works-then it goes for that Anthony Perkins Psycho thing again at the very end. Technically, this 27 minute short is well-done-good camera work, lighting, sound & editing. I didn’t hate it quite as much as the Undertaker did but I didn’t like the story much either. The situation-an abused kid growing up to be an abuser— has been done shown so many times in movies that it has become a cliche, especially in serial killer movies. Sure, that sort of repetition may happen in real life but I don’t want to see yet another movie on the subject matter-at least give me a twist to it or something. Directed by Lance J. Reha.

Babylon A.D.  (2008)

This tame action flick takes place about thirty or so years in the future. Turop (Vin Diesel) is a former mercenary who is hiding out in New Serbia who is coerced to doing one more job by a sinister guy named Gorky. The job is to take a young woman and her keeper (Michelle Yeoh) to New York City. However, it’s impossible to get into the United States without a passport, which is a computer chip that is injected in your body. Gorky supplies them with the passports and Turop will be able to stay in the US after his job is done.

The trio make it across Russia, then take a submarine across the Bering Strait to Alaska where they are almost killed by flying guard drones. Then, once in New York City, just as he’s about to deliver the woman, he is double-crossed. The big deal is that the woman was artificially created and has special powers—abilities that she will pass on with her unborn child. This child, supposedly, holds mankind’s future.

The movie kept on reminding me of a pale imitation of Blade Runner, as it has similar themes. However, the plot is really simplistic, the action too choreographed and I didn’t care about any of the characters.

Babylon 5: A Call to Arms (1999)

Takes place four years after the end of the fifth season and involves a war with the Drakh’s, who have inherited technology from the Shadows. A technomage by the name of Galen (Peter Woodward) appears on the Babylon 5 Station and predicts their imminent attack. The characters featured are President Sheridan (Bruce Boxleitner) and Michael Garibaldi (Jerry Doyle), who are having dreams about them. They manage to drive them away but not before they unleash a biological weapon into the atmosphere.

This movie seemed a bit needless to me other than that it serves to lead into the series Crusade, which is about a ship seeking a cure for the virus that the Drakh contaminated the Earth with. Also, the Drakh are probably the least impressive aliens I’ve seen depicted on the Babylon 5 series.

Babylon 5: The Gathering (1993)

This very first Babylon 5 movie is by far the least interesting of the entire series. This movie first introduces us to the massive Babylon space station, which holds a quarter million people. It is a halfway point for the many different alien species to meet and is a center of diplomacy and trade.

Commander Jeffrey Sinclair (Michael O’Hare) is in charge of the facility. He’s a war hero who was picked by the Minbari, a species humanity was at war with a decade ago. The Minbari almost defeated mankind but stopped at the last minute, under mysterious circumstances. The female Delenn is the representative of her people and a friend with Sinclair. What she knows she ain’t telling.

When there’s an attempted assassination on the alien ambassador Kosh and Sinclair is a suspect. No one knows what Kosh’s species looks like since they wear this all-encompassing body armor. Other species are represented by Londo Mollari, a Centauri and G’kar, a reptilitan Narn. The Narn’s used to be a slave-species of the Centauri and now have their independence. The two aliens are mortal enemies, which continues through the end of the television series.

As I said, I found the television series and subsequent movies more interesting than this pilot. The biggest difference is the makeup effects of the aliens. Here, Delenn has a much more pointed chin and nose, which makes the Minbari appear more harsh and sinister. And the Narn G’kar is even more reptilian and older looking. Also, several characters who are introduced, Sinclair’s second in command, and the station’s doctor, don’t make it into the later adventures.

If you haven’t seen Babylon 5 it’s best to start directly with the first season of the series, not this, since it definitely won’t “wow” you. It’s more interesting watching a few seasons and then watching this prequel.

Babylon 5: Season One (1994)

This takes place months after the Babylon 5 pilot and several characters are replaced with new ones. New on board are Dr. Stephen Franklin (Richard Biggs), Commander Susan Ivanova (Claudia Christian) replacing Tamlyn Tomita’s Commander and psychic Talia Winters (Andrea Thompson) replacing Lyta Alexander. Commander Jeffrey Sinclair is still in charge of this massive space station, which is located in neutral territory and is used primarily for diplomatic purposes. In the first episode the Narn attack a Centauri colony and so begins the ongoing fued/friendship between Centauri Londo Malari and the Narn ambassador G’Kar (Andreas Katsulas) which continues throughout the next five years.

In one episode Sinclair is visited by an old girlfriend, Catherine Sakai, which makes him seem a bit more human as he’s kind of standoffish. A lot of this has to do with him not being able to remember what happened to him during the end of the Earth/Minbari War. Delenn (Mira Furlann of Lost), the Minbari Ambassador on the station knows what happened to him but she’s not revealing that, yet. Talia Winter is having issues with the PsiCorp, which has controlled her life, especially when she’s asked to hunt down one of her old instructors who she used to have a relationship with. The by-the-book Ivanova has to deal with the death of her father and the mysterious Ambassador Kosh may be up to a string of attacks on the station. One of the more interesting episodes is Babylon Squared, in which the previous Babylon Station 4 reappears after mysteriously vanishing five years before. There’s a bit of time travel involved and we see an older version of Sinclair. In fact, this older version saves Security Office Garibaldi’s life. This episode ties directly into another later in the series.

The cool thing about this show is that each episode builds upon the other and there are really no “standalone” shows. It also introduces well defined characters and unique aliens species such as the Minbari. The season ends with a series of cliffhangers, with Girabaldi (Jerry Doyle) in a coma, Delenn in a weird cocoon and the president of Earth dying in an explosion when his ship is destroyed.

Babylon 5: Season Two (1995)

Babylon 5 gets a new commander, Captain John Sheridan, a war hero. Commander Sinclair was recalled to Minbar under mysterious circumstances. These two characters are polar opposites of each other and it took me a while to get used to Sheridan since he’s a bit pompous. In the second episode of the season Delenn emerges from her chrysalis and has changed her form—she is partly human. Sheridan also learns of the reason why the Minbari suddenly surrendered to Earth in the Earth-Minbari War ten years earlier. The Minbari discovered that the souls of their dead were being reincarnated into humans—and they had found this out when they had abducted Sinclair all those years ago.

Dr. Franklin searches for a way to bring Garibaldi out of his coma and does so with a piece of alien technology he found towards the end of the first season. This device can take energy from one person and transfer it to another.

There’s an amusing episode when Ambassador Londo’s three wives visit him and he has to decide which is his favorite. In the same episode Talia’s ex-husband, who was a part of the Psi Corp, comes to the station and offers her a way to leave that organization. Then, Talia’s boss, Bester (Walter Koenig) has her investigate a purported “underground railroad” for psychics who don’t want to register with the Psi-Corp. If the don’t join then they are forced to take a drug which subdues their ability—and drives them insane.

Things escalate between the Narn and the Centauri. The Centauri Emperor visits Londo and divulges that he wants to expand their power—and that they’ll invade Narn, which used to be a slave race for the Centauri. A human named Morden shows up, explaining to Londo that he’s able to “make things happen” and that he works for a powerful force. They are The Shadows. Later, when G’Kar, the Narn ambassador, asks Sheridan for help in the new Narn/Centauri War, Sheridan explains that his hands are tied and that Earth won’t commit to help. In fact, it seems that the Earth’s government is becoming corrupt and even deploy “The Nightwatch” to the station. Their members report anything suspicious to the authorities.

In the last few episodes telepath Lyta Alexander (Patricia Tallman) returns to the station and Lt. Keffer (Robert Russler of VAMP), a minor character the past two seasons, discovers that the Shadow’s spider-like ships are hiding in Hyperspace. His craft is destroyed. And as the Narn/Centauri war escalates Earth government signs a non-aggression treaty with the Centauri, who are also in league with The Shadows.

Babylon 5: Season Three (1996)

The stakes are upped as Babylon Five is forced to secede from the Earth and become an independent entity, as the government of Earth has sided with the “Shadows”. Doctor Franklin becomes addicted to stims (stimulants) and ends up taking a leave of absence and going on a “walkabout” around the ship to get his shit together. He does end up confronting his inner self and eventually returns to work.

One of the best episodes of the series is a two-parter involving time-travel, which ties into an episode from the first season when Sinclair found the Babylon 4 Station. Delenn tells Captain Sheridan that he must help take this Babylon station back 1000 years, to the previous war the Minbari had with the Shadows. Sinclair, the first commander of Babylon 5, returns to the station after receiving a 900 year old letter.....and he ends up going back in time and, through the same device that transformed Delenn into a human, uses it to transform himself into a Minbari. He is Valen, the one who established their current society.

In the last episodes Sheridan’s wife, Anna (Melissa Gilbert), reappears and tells him what he thinks about the Shadows is wrong. He has the doctor do tests on her to confirm that she is who she says she is. He agrees to go back to the Shadow’s barren home world, so they can explain their intentions to him. He knows that this is likely a one-way trip. Once there, the Shadows say that what what they are doing in creating wars is basically the same thing as kicking over ant hills. It’s so that the various races will fight and only the strongest will survive, thus continuing evolution. Sheridan ends up remotely crashing his spaceship, the White Star, into this base but not before he jumps down into a bottomless chasm. It looks like he bites the dust, for sure.

So far, this is the best season of the show and brings everything together that’s been building up for three years.

Babylon 5: Season Four (1997)

Sheridan is believed dead in the first episode, though he returns in the second, seemingly back from the dead. He has met “The First One” on the planet of the Shadows and this wizened creature, who looks like a wizard, restored his life energy. However, he’s only able to give Sheridan another twenty years of life. Sheridan and Delenn begin a relationship and it’s revealed that Delenn is a child of Valen. Valen was the human who transformed into a Minbari and went back in time 1000 years to win their war against the Shadows. Girabaldi reappears after being missing for two weeks and his attitude it much darker, which has something to do with where he’s been. It turns out his mind was messed with by Becker, the evil Psi-cop. He eventually becomes free of Becker’s control but it takes its toll on him. Girabaldi reunites with is ex-girflriend, who is now married to the richest industrialist on Mars. Unfortunately, this guy is on the side of the corrupt President Clark, who is in league with the Shadows. In fact, earth is making new ships from the Shadow technology.

Marcus Cole (Jason Carter), a Ranger, falls in love with commander Susan Ivanova (Claudia Christian), though it’s never really reciprocated. By the end of the season he makes a huge sacrifice for her, when she’s mortally wounded. Sheridan also puts together the White Star Fleet, a hundred ships that combine Minbari and Vorlon technology to fight the shadows. Meanwhile, Londo has to deal with the new evil emperor of the Centauri, who is also in league with the Shadows.

This is really the season where everything happens and there’s a final confrontation between Sheridan and the Earth fleet. And the Inter Stellar Alliance is formed. The last episode of the season is very cool, as it takes place in the distant future and shows key moments in history. Thousands of years in the future Earth goes through another Dark Age and in the end humanity becomes a form of pure energy, like the Vorlons. If the series had ended with Season Four, this would have been an entirely satisfying conclusion.

Babylon 5: In the Beginning (1998)

This Babylon Five movie explains, via flashbacks by the Centauri character, how the whole human-Minbari war started and ended and just why the huge space station Babylon Five was built. After having seen the bulk of the television series I found this very interesting and entertaining, a similar reaction I had to the Twin Peaks movie Fire Walk With Me. Prequels are cool when they work and this definitely works well.

Babylon 5: A Call to Arms (1999)

This last Babylon Five movie takes place years after the war with the Shadow and sets up the events that lead to the short-lived spin-off series, Crusade (starring Gary Cole). Some other evil aliens have acquired weapons left over by the Shadows and are using them to destroy entire planets. President Sheridan and the others learn that their next target is Earth-and manage to disarm the huge planet killing machine-yet the unseen aliens launch a different sort of attack. It’s a biological one, which, in several years, will start killing off all of humanity on Earth. New characters are introduced, such as Galen the techno-mage who is sort of a Gandolf-like character complete with a monk robe. And Serina, a golden eyed, wild-natured thief, is the last survivor of her planet, which was one of the ones destroyed. In the end they decide to launch the ship Excalibur into the reaches of space to find a cure-and that’s exactly where the series CRUSADE begins.

Babylon 5: Legend of the Rangers (2002)

This movie takes place after the wars and there’s a new age of exploration. Ranger David Martell (Dylan Neal of the vampire series Blood Ties) is given command of a twenty year old Minbari fighting ship which happens to be haunted. The Minbari second in command can sense their energy, more so when he’s injured and close to death. They even warn him that a traitor is on board, which comes into play towards the end. The majority of the crew are human.

Legend of the Rangers seems more like Space Rangers or Buck Rogers: Season Two than it does a Babylon Five series, though it does have all the familiar aliens, such as the Minbari and the Narn—and a cameo by G’Kar (Andreas Katsulas). While it’s not a bad show it just doesn’t have the “feeling” of Babylon 5, I think because it doesn’t tie into the mythology of that show so much.

Babylon 5: The Lost Tales (2007)

This feature consists of two shorts, which both take place about ten years after the events of the last season.The first tale is about a guy from Earth who is possessed by a demon. Colonel Elizabeth Lochley (Tracy Scoggins), who is in command of the station, calls in a priest, Father Cassidy (Alan Scarfe of Mysterious Island, 7 Days) to cast the devil from him. It turns out that the guy wants this to happen so the entity will be

free to roam the Universe. It had been imprisoned on earth for thousands of years. Once Lochley figures this out, she wants to stop the proceedings.

The second tale takes place on the 10th anniversary of the Interstellar alliance. Sheridan is told by the mystic Galen that he he must kill the next in line to the Centauri Republic. In 30 years Prince Vintari will attack Earth and the Centauri Republic will become the most powerful force in the Galaxy again. But Sheridan can’t bring himself to do this when the time comes. Instead, he offers Vintari to live with him and his wife Delenn on Minbar, so that he can learn peaceful ways from them. It’s not alluded to it this eventually works out or not.

This tales are interesting and do fill in some of the gaps in the Babylon mythos. What I really liked best were the CGI special effects which have vastly improved since the show first aired. The shots of the Babylon Five station are beautiful.

Backwoods (2001)

Backwoods (not to be confused with a dozen other movies with the same name) begins with a transvestite having sex and then giving birth, 30 years later, to a full-sized man. Yes, he/she was pregnant for thirty years—and yes, it’s an anal birth. Because of the long gestation period this “baby/man”, named Luthor, is born a genius. He even speaks with an English accent. Alas, this is soon undone when the mother accidently bashes his head and makes him a retard. When she’s killed by a car, driven by a bunch of kids, he begins his revenge. He puts on his mother’s dress and wig and systematically slaughters the irritating victims.

Technically, the movie is terrible. It’s shot poorly, all the scenes are outdoors, with a horrendous voice-over and cheap video effects. It looks like it was shot on VHS. But you aren’t going to watch this for production value. What you are going to watch it for is David Hayes’ (Machined, Reborn) hilarious, over-the-top performance as the demented baby man. You will be highly entertained.

Backwoods (2009)

The best thing about this derivative horror movie is the title sequence, which has a montage of disturbing images set to a Rob Zombie sounding piece of music. It made me think, briefly, that this may be a cool movie. However, we are are treated to a general group of racially diverse young adults, who are going deep into the woods for an office “paintball retreat”. One of them (Hailey Duff) is screwing the boss and has conflicting feelings about this. It seems like there’s a big community of inbred rednecks, who want to keep the women for reproductive purposes. There’s a big old house in the woods and one of the guys looks like Mickey Rourke on more steroids. As I said, just watch the first three minutes, otherwise you’ll be disappointed.

Backwoods Bloodbath (2009)

This independent movie from Wisconsin is a well-written, highly entertaining blend of two horror subgenres—the “Slasher movie” and the “Bigfoot movie”. Yes, you heard right. And it combines them extremely well. Like Jeepers Creepers, it has this non-human, man-eating monster, that has managed to change its form over the years. It’s called The Black Hodag.

After they attend a friend’s funeral a group of six friends decide to rent a secluded cabin together and catch up on old times. However, one of them is the high school “jock”, who tormented the high school “nerd”—and the nerd is also there. They are also both interested in the same girl. While the majority of the story is about these friends and them getting killed off, there is also some of the local population that is ripped to shreds.

The effects are suitably gooey and over the top (lots of raw meat there) and not too much is shown of The Black Hodag, which keeps it interesting. And while I did see “The Twist” coming, it’s done well. If you’re sick of lame Hollywood remakes of horror movies then you should definitely check out this well-written independent monster flick. It is much more entertaining than the “Blockbusters”. Directed/written by Donn Kennedy

Backwoods, The (2007)

Despite some bad acting and lines of dialogue that actually made me cringe (the first ten minutes of this movie should just be eliminated), this is a decent little slasher movie well worth checking out, as it’s a serial killer movie done right.

A group of friends are accompanying another friend when she visits the grave of her father and they get lost. They go to a nearby house, which happens to be inhabited by a mutated man who wears a burlap sack over his head. He also drags around some toys, like a robot and a button-eyed teddy bear. I found the killing scenes to be suspenseful and realistic, particularly with the ample use of real animal guts. The makeup effects of the baby mutant - and the adult’s deformed face - are also a big plus to the production.

If you’re a fan of The Hills Have Eyes and Texas Chainsaw Massacre (both old & new versions) you will enjoy The Backwoods. Produced/Written/Directed by Robert Elkins.

Bacterium (2007)

This is a throwback to the 60’s and 70’s sci-fi/horror flicks, sort of a take on The Blob and The Alpha Incident. A group of friends playing paint ball stumble upon an old house where a scientist is doing experiments on a new dangerous life form he had created for the army. He’s trying to find a way to kill it since it’s can’t be killed. The army also shows up, with the kids being caught in the middle. The dialogue gets a bit tedious after a while and the situations familiar, but it’s all worth it just for seeing the impressive special effects. In the extras director Brett Piper said he spent over six months doing the special effects of the Bacterium creatures and it shows...these things are utterly repulsive and far better than what could be done with computer graphics. There’s nothing like old-fashioned miniatures and ingenuity.

Bad Moon (1996)

Ted (Michael Pare’ of Streets of Fire, The Philadelphia Experiment) gets bitten by a werewolf in South America after his girlfriend is slain by the creature. He returns to the U.S, to visit his sister, Janet (Mariel Hemingway) and her son. They have a German Shepherd named Thor, who is protective of his family. He senses that something isn’t right with Uncle Ted. Ultimately, this family pet is what saves their lives when he transforms into a huge upright werewolf. This is a classic werewolf tale, up there with The Wolfman, The Howling and An American Werewolf in London. Highly recommended. Based on the novel, Thor, by Wayne Smith and directed by Eric Red (Body Parts, Cohen & Tate, 100 Feet)

Bagman, The (2000)

After hearing all of the bad word-of-mouth about this movie I found it wasn’t nearly as horrible as I thought it would be. Not to say that it’s good, it just wasn’t the worse movie I’d ever seen. A deformed looking guy is harassed and presumably killed by his peers only to resurface ten years later to kill them one by one. Most of the actors were decent but I had a hard time believing that Stephanie Beaton was that young. She also has this really uncomfortable looking love scene on a kitchen stove. Produced by Stephanie Beaton and her Silver Moon Pictures Company.

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002)

This is one of the lamest action movies I’ve seen. I guess this is based on a videogame but since I don’t play videogames I can’t vouch for how good the adaptation to film is. At the beginning of the movie an eleven-year-old boy is kidnapped by Sever (Lucy Liu), who shoots a lot of people and blows up vehicles. Then, Ecks (Antonio Banderas), some type of secret government agent, is brought out of retirement in order to obtain a new secret weapon. The weapon is a nano-technology assassin device, which can give a person a heart attack with the push of a button.It turns out that the nano-technology is hidden within the boy. The boy turns out to be Ecks’ son, which he never knew he had. There’s confrontation between Ecks and Sever and they ultimately realize they are on the same side. There are more shoot outs, more cars exploding and this stupid predictable story.

Basic Instinct 2 (2006)

This may be one of the worst sequels ever made, as the story and situation doesn’t even compare to the first film. Catherine Tramell (Sharon Stone) is arrested in London for being responsible for the death of famous soccer player. She is driving the car when it goes off the road and into the water. She swims away and he drowns, possibly because he was given a drug that paralyzed him. She gets an evaluation from the psychiatrist the police use and eventually becomes involved with him. Then other people start dying. When I was watching this I kept on think of how old Sharon Stone must be....she doesn’t look bad in this but it doesn’t work to the advantage of the movie.

I think the ending was supposed to be surprising but it’s comical and can be seen a mile away.

Batman Begins (2005)

This recent incarnation of the Caped Crusader is an interesting character study of how Bruce Wayne ultimately transforms into The Batman.Christian Bale is as good, if not better, than Michael Keaton. Rather than Gotham City being this sprawling, fantastical city, as depicted in the four earlier movies, it more resembles a bloated version of New York City here. Even one of the primary villains, The Scarecrow, is made much more reality based. And Batman gets his share of cuts and bruises.I could do without the Dawson’s Creek girl, but it’s truly inspired casting Michael Caine as Alfred. And Liam Neeson makes a much more threatening menace than Dr. Freeze or The Penguin.Hopefully this will be the start of another series, this one much more serious and darker, as it should be.

Batman vs. Dracula (2006)

This is a feature-length animated movie taken from the Saturday morning show, The Batman (2004), which features a younger Bruce Wayne than portrayed in his previous animated incarnation. Here, the Joker and the Penguin escape from Arkham Asylum, each with the intention of finding a hidden stash of money belonging to another inmate. As the Penguin searches an old graveyard he accidently cuts himself and bleeds on an old, shackled skeleton. This turns out to be the remains of Dracula-and the corpse quickly reanimates, though it takes a while for him to regain his human appearance. From that point on the Penguin becomes his “Renfield”. Later, the Joker gets bitten and is infected with the vampire virus.

Soon, dozens of people are transformed into the undead creatures. Worse, Dracula has his sights on reporter Vicky Vale, the very woman Bruce Wayne is interested in. He must save her before Dracula can drain her soul and replace it with the spirit of his lost love.

I thought it was cool how Drac is resurrected, sort of like in the old Hammer movies with a drop of blood falling on his corpse-and the various stages the vampire goes through, as well as how they see a new victim-they see just the cardiovascular system, pumping blood through the body. The thing I thought lame is that no one is ever killed—-all the vampire victims return to being normal humans after Bruce Wayne finds a cure for the blood virus that causes vampirism. Also, I thought a vampiric Joker would be more of a danger. This Bats adventure is definitely for the younger crowd.

Batman, The  (2004)

This newest incarnation of the animated Batman features a much younger Bruce Wayne (without Robin, of course). In the first episode he meets up with The Joker, who he has never met before. This Joker is more ‘modern’, crazy-looking. The young Bruce Wayne is also friends with the chief of police, who was his college room-mate. This version of Batman is interesting, probably made with Batman Begins in mind, though not quite as well-done as the 90’s Batman: The Animated Series. The newest animated Batman series features a much younger Bruce Wayne & corresponds more to the movie Batman Begins than it does the earlier live-action or even animated, series. This also gives the writers a chance to introduce characters such as The Joker, The Penguin and Catwoman to a new audience. This dvd (this is Vol 2, series 1) contains three stories. The first is about a scientist who willingly turns himself into the blood-drinking Man Bat, sort of a Hyde/Hyde story. The second tale, about Mr. Freeze, has a clever/funny homage to Gilligan’s Island, if you can believe that. And the story about Catwoman has her messing with Batman’s public image-the authorities are led to believe that they are a team. If you’re bats about Batman you should enjoy this.

Batman: Gotham Knight (2008)

This animated movie tries to bridge the gap between Batman Begins and The Dark Knight. It’s not one movie but a series of different shorts of Batman’s exploits in Gotham City. Stylistically the animation ranges from that of the MTV animated Spiderman to wide-eyed Japanese-looking anime Bruce Wayne so just when you get used to the look of the piece it goes on to the next story in which they are depicted very differently. And none of the stories are that memorable except for the first one, which is told from the point of view of a group of skateboarding kids who relay their encounters with “The Bat Man”. One sees him as this amorphous shadowy shape-shifter, another says he can fly like a bat and another has him with body armor, like Iron Man. The only thing this string of stories made me was tired. The movie is simply not engaging.

Batman: The Man Who Would Be Bat (2005)

The newest animated Batman series features a much younger Bruce Wayne & corresponds more to the movie Batman Begins than it does the earlier live-action or even animated, series. This also gives the writers a chance to introduce characters such as The Joker, The Penguin and Catwoman to a new audience. This dvd (this is Vol 2, series 1) contains three stories. The first is about a scientist who willingly turns himself into the blood-drinking Man Bat, sort of a Hyde/Hyde story. The second tale, about Mr. Freeze, has a clever/funny homage to Gilligan’s Island, if you can believe that. And the story about Catwoman has her messing with Batman’s public image-the authorities are led to believe that they are a team. If you’re bats about Batman you should enjoy this.

Batman: Under the Red Hood (2010)

In this new animated movie a new vigilante shows up in Gotham, The Red Hood (voice of Supernatural’s Jensen Ackles), and he’s creating havoc in the criminal underworld. Batman (voice of Bruce Greenwood of Star Trek) goes after him since the Red Hood isn’t above killing, and he realizes something is very familiar about this mysterious masked man. In fact, it’s almost as if the Red Hood is able to anticipate The Batman’s moves. The Joker is involved somehow but it doesn’t all come together until the end. This is an entertaining animated Batman tale, definitely along the lines of Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker. I also thought it cool that we get to see Nightwing (voice of Neil Patrick Harris).

Bats: Human Harvest (2007)

An American Delta Squad goes to Chechnya to stop some terrorists and discover that an a former American scientist, complete with sinister scars on his face, has genetically altered bats to kill and devour human flesh. There’s lots of inane dialogue between the soldiers, who don’t look or act anything like soldiers, and there’s this really homely lady scientist that several of the men think is beautiful. Of course, all the bats are computer-generated and do goofy things like rip off someone’s arm or lift a victim in the air and deposit him as a sack of bones. This movie is so bad it makes me fondly remember the first Bats movie.

Battle Beyond the Stars (1980)

The planet Akir is going to be destroyed by a villainous John Saxon unless the inhabitants agree to submit to him. He has his mutant henchmen kill several people as an example and says he’ll be back in one week for their answer. Richard Thomas, who knows how to fly the only spaceship the planet has, decides to go find mercenaries to help him save his planet. He comes across a cowboy (George Peppard), who coincidently has a ship full of weapons, a cold-blooded assassin (Robert Vaughn), a woman warrior (Sybil Danning), some clone-aliens, a lizard man and a few others. The movie definitely is inspired by Star Wars, from the opening title sequence to the giant enemy ship and dry arid planet. The funniest thing is that Thomas’ spaceship, Nell, is shaped like a woman, complete with breasts. Never saw that in a movie before.This is the movie that Roger Corman has used as stock footage for dozens of his more recently produced movies (such as Starquest).

Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1974)

This final Apes movie takes place ten- to twelve years after Conquest, with the Apes clearly in control. It appears as if mankind has gone through a massive world war, as the Ape City is built out in the country, far away from the nearby melted city in the “Forbidden Zone”. Humans do live in the Ape village, though are treated as the Apes were treated in the previous movie. Caesar has married Lisa (Natalie Trundy) and has a son. When MacDonald, the brother of the man in the previous movie, mentions to Caesar that he can view recordings of his mother and father that are kept in the blasted city, he agrees to go there and explore. Also in this group is Virgil (Paul Williams), a young Orangutan. But there are people-hideously scarred by radiation-who still dwell there and they aren’t happy to see the Apes. This starts the battle, as the mutants venture forth with weapons in old vehicles to the Ape City. But Caesar must also deal with conflict within his own community, as General Aldo (Claude Adkins) is rousing up the war-like gorillas to take control of the town. In fact, the movie culminates in a fight between Caesar and Aldo, an ape who has broken the first law, that ape may not kill another ape.

I think the problem with Battle is that you expect more to happen, that the confrontation between the apes and the mutant human survivors isn’t big enough-and that you want to see more of this future world. The movie is book-ended by an old Orangutan (John Huston), The Lawgiver, telling Caesar’s story to a group of young humans and apes, which suggest that there is a peace between the species 600 years in the future. This would actually be more of an interesting story...

This story is actually continued, in comics-book form in 2006 as Revolution on the Planet of the Apes by a company called Mr. Comics-and it explains how much of an influence Caesar has over his future, why apes can suddenly talk and think like humans-and how this first uprising led to man’s downfall. It successfully and entertainingly bridges the gap between Conquest and Battle for the Planet of the Apes, complete with flashbacks from some of the other POTA movies. For you continuity freaks this is a must.

Battle: Los Angeles (2011)

A marine staff sergeant, Sgt. Michael Nantz (Aaron Eckhert), all set for retirement, is re-deployed when strange meteors begin crashing in the ocean. He learns that they’re not meteors at all but alien ships. The weird craft—and creatures—come to shore, killing everything in their path. Clearly, conquest is the plan. But what do they want? Taking a cue from V, the original TV series, they’re after our water since it’s a rare commodity in the universe. In fact, they power their technology with it. They are sent to help evacuate civilians in Santa Monica but get trapped and have to somehow get out alive. However, Nantz discovers the hidden location of one of their control centers—and wants a chance to destroy it. There’s lots of stereotypical soldier characters, including Michelle Rodriguez (Resident Evil, Lost) as a tough female soldier.

Battle: Los Angeles seems unfinished, like we’re watching an extended scene from Independence Day or an action scene from the disappointing Skyline. If you like war-themed movies, you’ll probably like this (aren’t they all the same?) However, it’s far too familiar for the horror or science-fiction fan.

Battle Royale (2000)

This variation on Lord of the Flies has the Japanese government putting a classroom of 9th graders on an island, giving them weapons and having them kill each other to the last man-well, kid-standing. Because of mass unemployment and the abundance of children who are out of control the government passed a law which helps get rid of some of these violent students. The person who explains all of this to them is a former teacher, who is getting revenge for having been stabbed by them before. In fact, he kills a few just to show them that this game is real. There are tons of killings, high tension and this overall feeling of dread. You really have no idea how the three main characters will ever make it out of there alive. The ending was surprising and fit well. Overall, a memorable and disturbing movie.

Battlestar Galactica (2003)

I had a great deal of trepidation about this ‘re-imaging’ of the late 70’s television series, mostly because I’m such a big fan of that old show. But the Sci-Fi Channel did a surprisingly good job of remaining true to the spirit of the original. In this update the war with the Cylons had ended forty-years earlier, with the Cylons fleeing to establish their own world. In the present, The Galactica is mostly a tourist exhibit, showing how the original Cylons and their base stars looked (exactly as they did in the original series). In fact, the Galactica is being decommissioned and a big party is being thrown to celebrate. Commander Adama (Edward James Olmos) doesn’t seem too happy about it because it’s basically the end of his career. And as part of the celebration his son Lee (Apollo) has been called in to fly one of those antique Vipers. The two haven’t spoken to each other since the funeral of Zack, Adama’s youngest son. In the meantime, a Cylon agent-who looks exactly like a human woman-has become very friendly with Gaius Baltar and is able to get the plans for the 12 Colonies’ defense grid. Very quickly, the new Cylon basestars start destroying humanity, so that there are only 40,000 humans remaining. Adama wants to fight but the new president (Mary McDonough) wants to do the smart thing and flee so that mankind will survive. Battlestar Galactica and refugee ships temporarily flee to Ragnarok station, which is blanketed in a type of radiation fatal to the new and improved Cylons. Here they discover another Cylon spy-and the humans realize that the Cylons could already be among them. They are almost identical to humans, down to their DNA. Baltar, feeling guilty about having betrayed his species, finds a way to detect the enemy through a blood test-and he seemingly frames an innocent man to take the blame off himself.This new version keeps the mythology of Galactica the same, with having the twelve colonies originating from Kobol and the legend of a thirteenth colony called Earth. The updated mechanical looking Cylons are cool, more streamlined, with the red roving eye. Their small ships, rather than have pilots, are a different type of Cylon, with that red eye again. The biggest difference made to the update are some of the characters. Starbuck is now a blonde woman, yet the casting works surprisingly well (they combined Starbuck and Cassiopea from the original). The second in command, Tighe, is now an old white guy-an asshole and an alcoholic, always at odds with Starbuck. Boomer is also a woman. The Adama character from the original has been divided into two characters-the one portrayed by Edward James Olmos and the president, Mary McDonough. The only character I didn’t like because he was irritating is Apollo. It was simply the wrong casting. A character completely missing is Athena. The movie ends, of course, completely open-ended as the original movie did. The Galactica, with its rag-tag fleet of survivors, flees their known solar system and embarks on a search for the legendary Earth. Close-behind are the Cylons—who can track the humans down because they’ve planted ‘Sleeper agents’ in their midst.

Battlestar Galactica: Season One (2004)

The first season, which takes place a few weeks after the end of the mini-series, has the crew exhausted. The Cylons are in pursuit and the fleet has been forced to make 237 consecutive jumps, one every 33 minutes. But on the last jump they had to leave a ship behind, the Olympic Carrier. By coincidence, a passenger aboard this ship has evidence that Baltar was humanity’s traitor to the Cylons. When the ship returns, without any communication and armed with nukes, Apollo is forced to blow it up before it reaches the fleet. In the second episode, most of the water supplies are sabotaged, forcing them to search planets for H2O deposits. There’s a prison ship of over 1500 prisoners and they are offered points for their freedom if they help mine the ice for water. Yet their leader, Zarek (Richard Hatch)—a terrorist—doesn’t want them to help and stages a revolt, holding members of the Galactica hostage. In the fourth episode 13 Viper pilots are killed when a drone accidently explodes, forcing them to begin training new pilots. Adama approaches Starbuck to do this but she’s reluctant, still feeling responsible for the death of Zack, Adama’s youngest son. He had failed his flight test yet she passed him because she was in love with—and engaged to—him. In “You Can’t Go Home Again”, Starbuck is shot down on a barren moon and only has two days of oxygen. Adama and Apollo begin a full-scale search but it’s hopeless. Meanwhile, Starbuck comes across a damaged Cylon ship. She crawls inside and realizes it’s a living organism. She removes its brain and figures out how to fly it back to the Galactica, where the Tyrell and the crew study it. Boomer, who doesn’t know she’s a Cylon, is drawn to the ship like it’s a pet. Meanwhile, President Roslin, who is dying of Cancer, is taking Kamala Extract in hope of a cure. But it has side effects. In “Flesh and Bone” she has dreams of a Cylon agent which come true. This agent is captured and interrogated by Starbuck. He tells her that “all this has happened before” and also that they’ll find Kobol, the original human colony. Before this human looking Cylon is jettisoned out the airlock he whispers to Roslin that Commander Adama is really a Cylon. She half believes him. In the next episode she’s anxious for him to get tested by Baltar’s new “Cylon test”. While Baltar has indeed developed a way to tell the blood apart from human and Cylon he keeps the info to himself, such as when Sharon is tested. And when Commander Tigh’s wife, Helen, mysteriously shows up to cause emotional havoc with her estranged husband, he keeps her results to himself as well. Can she be a Cylon? The season ends with President Roslin convincing Starbuck to fly the captured Cylon Raider back to Caprica to recover the Arrow of Apollo, which will give them a clue how to find Earth. You see, they have come across the planet Kobol and Roslin has another vision and thinks she’s fated to lead her people to the lost 13th Colony. Meanwhile, Sharon encounters some Cylon duplicates of herself when she sets a nuclear bomb on a Cylon base ship and soon after shoots Adama in the chest. She’s taken into custody while he lies bleeding on the bridge of the Galactica.

It’s very interesting re-watching this first season after having watched the entire series. It’s amazing how everything here plays out in the final episodes. Those writers stuck to their guns.

Battlestar Galactica: Season Two (2005)

Everything is much more dire in this second season. It begins with Commander Adama being shot by the Cylon Sharon. Tigh takes over command of the Fleet but he does a crappy job, goaded on by his alcoholic wife Helen. President Roslin is in the brig because she disagreed with Adama at the end of season one. And Starbuck is back on Caprica to retrieve the arrow of Apollo which will lead them to Earth. There, she encounters Helo and another Sharon Valeri. While he’s been trying to survive on Caprica Helo has fallen in love with this woman he thought was his friend—and she becomes pregant, a first ever between human and Cylon.

Starbuck also comes across other survivors, players from a Pyramid Team (like Rugby) and she falls for their leader. But she’s shot and wakes up in a hospital. However, she’s suspicious that the doctor is really a Cylon and that they want her for some nefarious purpose. She is correct. They have other human females captive and are using them for breeding experiments with Cylons. Eventually she, Helo and this other Sharon make their way back to the fleet, though the Cylon is immediately imprisoned. And two more human-looking Cylon’s are revealed, Deana (Lucy Lawless) and Cavell (Dean Stockwell).

The season ends on an unexpected note, with Baltar being elected president and deciding to settle on the planet which they call New Caprica. It then skips a year and we see that 90% of the people are now living on the surface of the planet. The fleet, with a skeleton crew, is in orbit. Kara is married to Anders, who is sick with pneumonia and when she calls Apollo, who is up in Pegasus, for some antibiotics, we see he’s very angry and fat. In the last scene we see the Cylons invading the planet and the mechanical troops marching down the middle of the makeshift city, like a Nazi parade in WWII. I didn’t quite like this as much as the first season but it does set up the rest of the events for the next two years.

Battlestar Galactica: Season Three (2006)

The third season begins with freedom fighters on New Caprica, which has been under Cylon Rule for half a year. Baltar had been voted President and is basically an in-name only ruler. Gaita is his right hand man, though he’s secretly working for the Resistance. The two Battlestars are nowhere to be seen and everyone feels like they have to fend for themselves. Former President Laura Roslin is back to being a school teacher, Chief is married to Callie and has a young son. Colonel Tigh is in prison and has lost an eye, though he refuses to tell the Cylons anything. His wife, Ellen, is determined to get him freed and gets in a sexual relationship with John Cavil, who is one of the Cylons. Kara is being kept prisoner in an apartment by Cylon Leoben, who says that he loves her. She’s convinced that the child he shows up with is indeed hers, from that time she was taken prisoner on Caprica in Season Two. We also learn certain key things about Kara, such as how she was physically abused by her mother. By the fourth episode the Battlestars return and the majority of the people manage to escape from the Cylons, though there’s a huge cost. Their trek for Earth continues.

The majority of the episodes deal with the repercussions of having fought against or supported the Cylons on New Caprica. Some surprising decisions are made, especially in regard to Laura Roslin. And Baltar is thrown in prison and put on trial.

Starbuck may have a much larger role in humanity’s destiny than she realized when it’s revealed that the symbol they find on a four thousand year old temple on a planet is the same painting she did every since she was a child. There must be a connection but what that is is not answered until the very end of the Fourth Season. Her behavior becomes more and more erratic, like she’s having a nervous breakdown.At the end of the season she pursues a Cylon Raider into the clouds on a gas planet and Apollo sees her ship explode. Yet she returns in the last episode in her Viper, saying that she’s found Earth and she’s back to lead them there. This is unexpected, to say the least. The biggest thing that happens is that four of the five “Final Five Cylons” are revealed, which will change everything.

Battestar Galactica: Razor (2007)

This stand-alone movie takes place from the perspective of a member of the Pegasus crew named Kendra Shaw, from when Helen Cain commanded the ship to when it’s under the command of Lee Adama. She is appointed as Lee’s second-in-command, which causes some conflicts, particularly with Starbuck. Kendra also has a dark secret, which continues to haunt her after the death of Cain, a secret she may be unable to live with. The movie clears up some things, such as why Cain is so relentless against the Cylons and why she has her crew torture the human looking ones. There are also some flashbacks of Adama from the first Cylon War, forty-years ago, when he stumbled upon a laboratory where the Cylons were experimenting with grafting human parts into their machinery, which sort of parallels the story in the novel THE CYLON’S SECRET. I thought the coolest thing is that we see the old style Cylon Centurians (as in the original series) as well as their older ships.

Battlestar Galactica: Face of the Enemy (2008)

This ten-part webisode series on Scifi.com takes place a little more than a week after the fleet—and the Cylons, have discovered the ravaged Earth. When the Cylons appear all the ships jump and the transport ship Gaita is on shows up in the middle of nowhere, separated from the rest of the ships. They are lost.

One by one the people on board are killed. There are two Cylon “Sharons” on board, one with whom he had a relationship with back on New Caprica. And the truth of what went on there is revealed, much to his dismay. He thought he was helping save lives when the people were really being killed. There’s some interesting character development, especially that Gaita is in a relationship with a guy.

The webisode series doesn’t match up to one of the better episodes of the television series but it does add to the mythos of the show and will make a good supplement for the upcoming dvd release of the final season.

Battlestar Galactica: Season Four (2008)

Although Kara Thrace, Starbuck, has seemingly returned from the dead with the news she’s been to Earth and back, everyone believes she’s really a Cylon, even Commander Adama. And the four crew members who have just discovered they are the hidden Cylons have to come to grips with that. For the majority this doesn’t change who they are. Lee Adama, Apollo, had quit being part of the military and is now part of the ruling body, the Quorum of Twelve. He has lots of dealings with the corrupt Tom Zarek, who has his eye on the Presidency. Meanwhile, the reinstated President Laura Roslin’s cancer has returned.

There’s a revolution among the Cylons and half of them side with the humans. This was all sparked when Cavil began to lobotomize the Cylon Raiders so they couldn’t think for themselves. The revolution is led by Caprica Six, the same one who was originally with Baltar in the very first Galactica mini-series. In The Hub, these Cylons and the Galactica work together to destroy the last resurrection ship. Once this is done when a Cylon dies they’ll be dead forever. This ups the stakes. A lot of humans don’t like this treaty with the Cylons, particularly Zarek and Gaeta, who instigate a mutiny aboard the Galactica. Tigh and Adama are almost killed but they manage to regain the ship with Starbuck’s help. And the two traitors are executed.

Midway through the season they discover Earth, but it’s been destroyed a few thousand years previously. There are plants but the radioactivity is high and no one could survive the radiation. The weirdest thing of all is that Starbuck finds her own corpse, crashed in a Viper. Did she really die at the end of Season Three and was resurrected? Is she human or a Cylon? Being on this planet triggers flashbacks for the Final Five, who remember living on this very world. Adama makes the decision that they have to move on and find a habitable planet. But Galactica is falling apart from age and the stress the ship has been through and Chief Tyrol convinces Adama that the only way to make her last longer is to repair it with Cylon technology, basically making the ship a hybrid. They only have a few jumps left. That is if Cavil and his Cylons don’t kill them all first. So a huge sacrifice is made to destroy the majority of the Cylons. It’s epic.

The show does have a great ending, though it’s sad for many of the pivotal characters. And yes, the majority of the questions are answered. The only series I’ve watched that has had a better ending was Six Feet Under. This is what a series is supposed to be.

Battlestar Galactica: The Plan (2009)

This movie, directed by Edward James Olmos (Adama) is told from the perspective of the Cylons, beginning a day before their attack on the twelve colonies. It reveals how the “Final Five”, who lived among the humans, survived the attack. The Cylons kept an eye on them. Cavil (Dean Stockwell) is very much the planner and the one determined to exterminate humanity. He convinces the other human looking Cylons to become kamikazees, exploding bombs on the fleet ships. He’s the one who plans all of that sabotage that happens to the fleet. And he makes Boomer (Grace Park) do things, such as explode some water tanks and nearly shoot Adama to death. But why didn’t she kill him? All of this is explained.

The movie shows the lives of some of the other Cylon models. One of them even married a human and can’t bring himself to harm her. Rather than set an explosive he jettisons himself out of an airlock. He does this knowing he’s out of range of any of the resurrection ships because he can’t live with his predicament.

The majority of the movie centers on two different Cavils—one who is traveling with the fleet and another who is still on Caprica and is “rescued” by Anders and his group. In an interesting scene he tries to influence Anders, just as the other Cavil influenced Boomer, to kill Starbuck, but he misses. However, the Cavil in space is definitely evil. He even stabs a child to death without blinking. The Cavil on Caprica, who is eventually brought back with the other survivors, thinks humanity should be allowed to live.

This is “R” rated, like Caprica, as there’s topless bartenders shown in one scene and also a shot of the communal showers on the Battlestar. The movie fills in gaps and answers questions you may have had about the series—and if you re-watch the television series The Plan will make you view it in a different way.

Battlestar Galactica: Blood and Chrome (2012)

This takes place at least 20 years after the events of the Battlestar prequel series Caprica, with a young ensign William Adama (Luke Pasqualino) being stationed on the Battlestar Galactica ten years into the first Cylon War. He’s eager to fly a viper because gets assigned to an old raptor transport instead. The mechanic is a gruff guy named  Coker Fasjovik (Ben Cotton). When Adama asks what happened to his old pilot he gestures to his bloodied hands and says “I’m cleaning him up”.  Their assignment is to  to escort Dr Becca Kelly on a secret mission to an ice resort planet that had been taken over by the Cylons early in the war. Once there, they are to rendezvous with a marine depoyment—but when they get to the ice cave find only dead bodies. Then, they are attacked by a huge, fifteen foot eel-like creature that bites Coker. Before it can do more damage a lone figure drops in, firing, and kills it. He’s the only marine left alive and explains that his creature is the result of the Cylon experiments in cybernetics. The creature is part animal and part machine. It’s what he’s been eating all these months. He takes a bite and spits out a piece of metal. He leads the trio to the safety of an abandoned ski resort but they are soon discovered by the Cylons. There’s also a room filled with “spare” human body parts, so clearly the Cylons are experimenting with their form.  These aren’t the normal looking “old Centurians”. The first one we see has an almost human looking face and feels pain when it dies. Then, there’s another, much more  humanoid Cylon that’s a nod to Jonathan Harris’ Lucifer from the original ‘78 version. There’s some great visuals, lots of action, and it’s interesting seeing Adama before he gets all scarred and jaded. I can see this being a decent enough series, though it would probably end up being along the lines of Space: Above & Beyond.

Beast of Blood  (1971)

This is a direct sequel to Mad Doctor of Blood Island, picking up at the end of that movie, with stow away Don Ramos attacking the people on the ship and ultimately causing an explosion which kills everyone except Dr. Bill Foster (John Ashley). He returns to Blood Island some months later, followed by reporter Myra Russell (Celeste Yarnall). It turns out that Dr. Lorca (this time portrayed by Eddie Garcia) has survived, along with henchman Ramu. He’s continuing to do experiments on the natives, who he’s contaminating with the green blood. In fact, he’s captured the monstrous Don Ramon and has removed his head from his body. For some reason he has the idea of giving the body an artificial head (I guess he really is a madman!), though that doesn’t work. Don Ramon/Beast of Blood is able to control his headless body and in the end gets his revenge on Dr. Lorca, who is responsible for his condition to begin with.

Beast Within (2008)

A young man inherits the house of his scientist uncle, who is killed at the beginning of the movie by a bunch of crazed birds. He takes along his two buddies who are complete opposites. One is a nerd, the other one thinks he’s the coolest one around. On the way there they stop at a gas station and the guy is reunited with the woman he dumped seven years before. There’s also another girl working the cash register. One of the friends invites them both over later for a party, which they of course go to. They also run into the town bully, who still has a beef with the guy and vows to get even. Later, when they order take-out food, it turns out that the only nearby place is run by the Bully, who puts a dead bird he finds in the food. The nerdy guy ingests some of this and then starts to become a zombie. You see, something is wrong with the birds and it’s transforming people into zombies. I found this all rather non-involving because not only are the zombie effects mediocre, I’ve seen this same premise (inherited house, et cetera) a zillion times before in a horror movie. Couldn’t they have come up with something different.

The DVD box makes sure to point out that this was shot in 35mm film, as if this is somehow going to make the movie better. Sorry, they should have shot in HD and spent the money on both a screenwriter and special effects guy.

Beasts of the Southern Wild (2012)

A six-year-old African-American girl, Hushpuppy, living with her schizophrenic alcoholic father in the bayou near New Orleans, must deal with his fading health. When the area floods they, and a few others who stayed behind, band together, though the authorities come and take them to a “safe” area, that’s the complete opposite of the natural world in which they live. Hushpuppy has daydreams about the “Aurochs”, these prehistoric beasts from a story she heard, and how they’ve broken loose from the ice caps. They look like a cross between a shaggy cow and a wild boar. Basically, they represent her fear and uncertainty of her changing situation. This is an interesting movie.  It has the feeling of “Tom Sawyer”, with a kid going on an adventure by herself.

Beauty & The Beast (2012)

This “reimagining” of the 1980’s television series, which starred Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman, is truly terrible. The producers have eliminated everything that made the original show cool. Rather than have Vincent as this lion-headed, half-man/half animal hybrid (who may have been an experiment or even a magical creature), we get a former war vet that is the victim of some experiment that makes him “Hulk-out” when he gets angry. He’s a normal guy with a scar on his face and when he transforms he even looks like the Hulk. As far as Catherine Chandler, she’s a cop who wants to uncover the reason for the death of her mother—and it ties in with Vincent. And instead of Vincent living in an underground village beneath New York City that looked like something out of the Middle Ages, he’s simply living in an abandoned looking building with a nerdy sidekick. There’s also no chemistry whatsoever between the two lead actors. The worst thing of all is that this doesn’t have to do anything with the story of Beauty & The Beast because Vincent is not a beast, just a tortured guy. What worked in the original series is that Catherine was able to overlook the fact that Vincent looked like a creature from The Island of Dr. Moreau.  NOT recommended.

Behemoth (2011)

This is a better produced Syfy movie than most, about an ancient dormant volcano in the Northwest from which a giant monster is awakening. The first signs are rumblings, like small earthquakes, then animals and people begin dying from the CO2 gas that is leaking from the ground. Everyone thinks it’s a natural occurrence except the old father (William B. Davis of X-Files) of the main hero. He is obsessed that it’s really an Aztec monster, though that really doesn’t make any sense since the Aztecs lived thousands of miles awayto the South. The first thing we see of the creature is a giant eye. Why it would have an eye if it lives underground isn’t explained but I suppose it makes a cool visual, like an homage to the old 60’s Godzilla flicks. But this is no “King of the Monsters”. It basically looks like a mutated Tremors creature, with a beak and tentacles, so I wasn’t so impressed. And it’s silly how, when it’s still buried in the mountain, how it uses its tentacles to pick up and eat innocent hikers for food— when it would need hundreds, if not thousands, of people, to fill its stomach. The movie proceeds along exactly how you think it will and it’s up to the hero to make the nearly impossible shot with the missile to kill it, so it all ends with the even more expected explosion. Ugh.

Being Human: Season One (2008)

The premise is that three supernatural beings are living together in the same apartment flat. They are Mitchell, a vampire, George, a werewolf, and Annie, a ghost. Mitchell is trying desperately not to indulge his vampiric urges, George is worried about transforming into a beast and killing someone when the moon is full, and Annie wants to discover why she’s still haunting her old apartment. By the end of the six episodes of this first season, these things are more or less resolved. What I liked best about this is that it features a great looking werewolf costume and the end confrontation between the morphed George and the evil vampire is a hoot, bringing to mind those Universal monster mashes from the 1940’s. The unaired pilot is much more gritty, though the first episode is very much a continuation of that story. Only one of the three original actors returns, Russell Tovey as the cursed George. Being Human is the best monster oriented show since Angel and Buffy went off the air.

Being Human: Season One  (2011)

This Americanized remake of the British series of the same name offers less than the original. My biggest gripe is the guy who is the werewolf (Sam Huntington) is a complete drip. You don’t feel sorry for him at all. And the werewolf character was my favorite from the original series, so this is disappointing. Sam Witwer, who was so incredibly annoying during his year as Doomsday on Smallville a few years ago, is the vampire Aidan. Rather than a self-assured bloodsucker he’s a wuss. And the ghost girl, Sally, leaves no impression whatsoever. All of these Canadian actors are so much weaker than their UK counterparts. Worst of all, the tone of the program is flat— it’s not nearly as fun since all the characters are mopey bastards. In fact, the most interesting character is the girl Aidan kills in the first episode, who returns as a very angry, evil vampire who wants nothing better to do than kill her own family and friends.

As far as the special effects, the werewolf transformation is obviously CGI and in a flashback scene in which the main vampire helps slaughter a party of humans they have “30 Days of Night” type vampire teeth. The ghost-effects, particularly the floating, is well done but so what? Syfy Channel boasts that this is their “new original series” when in truth it’s their “new non-original series” since it’s a much inferior remake! After seeing the first two episodes of this pointless retreat I’m just going to wait for season three of the UK series.

Being Human: Season Two (2009)

The second season picks up soon after the finale of the first season, after werewolf George killed the leader of the local vampires. Now, he’s being attacked by vampires when he’s in human form. His new live-in girlfriend, Nina, is also keeping her distance from him ever since she witnessed his transformation into a lycanthrope. It’s also because he accidently clawed her and made her into a werewolf too. Annie, the ghost, is now able to stay tangible and interact with people. She gets a job at a local bar where she meets a guy who also had a near-death experience. She doesn’t realize that he’s in communication with “the other side” and they want him to bring her over, something she is resisting. From all indications, it’s not exactly happy land over there. And Mitchell, the vampire who no longer drinks human blood, finds himself the unwilling leader of the vampire community. He wants them all to go on the wagon so they won’t be hunted by humans and this leadership is the only way to do this. I thought it interesting that the vampires in this series don’t need to drink blood to survive—that they do so for an entirely different reason.

There’s also a mysterious organization that is spying on the trio, led by a creepy old guy named Kemp. We see them do an experiment on another werewolf that involves a hyperbaric chamber and it’s explained to him that the pressure will counteract the effects of the full moon. However, it does not end well. Kemp has his sights on George and Nina. He also wants to help Annie cross-over. Mitchell he simply wants to kill. We also learn why he’s so hell bent on destroying the vampires in a flashback in which we see how vampires killed his wife and daughter.

In another flashback sequence that takes place in the early 70’s, we find out how Mitchell was able to originally kick the blood habit. It was with the help of a woman. Now, in the present, he finds he needs the same support—someone that he has to change for. This turns out to be a woman doctor he’s developed a relationship with. But he has no idea she’s secretly working for Kemp. When Mitchell’s group of vampires is bombed, leaving him and one other vampire left in the community, he goes ballistic and quickly reverts to his old ways. It’s like when Angel becomes Angelus, only more vicious. In fact, there’s an intense scene where the two kill an entire trainload of passengers on a subway.

The highlight of the season is a truly nerve-wracking scene in which George forgets about the time-change and goes to a parent-teacher meeting with his new girlfriend only to start transforming into a beast then and there. The season finale was just so-so, as it tries to return everything to the status quo, which seemed a bit too rushed. However, there is a decent enough cliff-hanger regarding the ghost Annie. Fortunately, there will be a third season—and the return of an old villain.

Being Human: Season Three (2011)

In the first episode of the third season, vampire Mitchell rescues his friend Annie (Lenora Chrichlow) from the other side only to be confronted by the ghost of one of the women he had slain on a train massacre in Season Two. She explains to him that he can take Annie back but there’s a price. He’s fated to meet his end by the hands of a werwolf. In the next episode werewolves George and Nina encounter Adam, who looks like a kid but is a 46 year old vampire. His father dies in the hospital, of old age, and it’s a problem since that’s where he’s been getting his food. They try to find him a home and it looks like a vampire couple will take him in, for their own interests, not his. In the third episode a zombie, who doesn’t realize she’s a zombie, follows Annie back to their house and is a big annoyance. It’s not until episode four, “The Pack”, that we’re introduced to the season’s most interesting characters—a werewolf father, McNair (Robeson Green of Wire in the Blood) and his son. Mitchell has the suspicion that these werewolves may be the ones fated to kill him, as they are very blatant in their slaying of vampires. We learn that vampires capture werewolves and use them for sport, betting on them as they rip each other to bits in cages. In fact, this is how McNair became such a monster—and it was Herrick, the old vamp who originally transformed Mitchell into a bloodsucker—who is responsible.

Evil vampire Herrick actually returns from the dead. He was was ripped to pieces by George in the first season and it’s a mystery as to how he’s “alive”. Now he has no memory of his former self and is sort of like a brain damaged uncle they keep in the attic. Nina and George help him much to Mitchell’s dismay. In one of the last episodes George finds out that his father has died and goes to the funeral where he encounters the man’s ghost and catches up with him, as he’s been presumed dead for two years. His wife left him and he’d been living as a sad sack in a trailer. George sets things straight as much as he can.

The last two episodes, culminating in “The Wolf Shaped Bullet”, end Mitchell’s story line. The police, with a tip from one of Mitchell’s friends, discover that he’s the one who killed all those people on the subway. They burst into the house and capture him and take him to the police station. However, proof that a vampire exists will change everything for all supernatural creatures—so someone unexpectedly steps in and rescues him from the cell. But they can’t rescue him from his ultimate fate. This is my least favorite season. The romance between the vampire Mitchell and the ghost Annie doesn’t really work, Mitchell’s whining about being a hungry vampire gets quickly annoying, and there’s very little on the special effects side, especially with the werewolves. It also seems as if everything was rushed to get to that ending, which ties up a few story lines but leaves it wide open for another season. I am just not that excited for another season...

Being Human:  Season Four (2012)

Twenty years in the future, the world is ruled by vampires. Humans are in blood camps or hide from the bloodsuckers. One of the people in charge of the resistance is a young woman, Eve. Back in the present, it’s some months after the end of the third season. Werewolf George is distraught because his wife, Nina, was killed—and he now has a baby— Eve (Yes, who grows up to be that woman in the future). Of course, ghost Annie and werewolf Tom are helping with the kid.  Vampire leader Griffin wants the baby dead, since according to vamp lore she’ll lead his kind to destruction. Back in the future Eve kills herself—because as a ghost she can travel back to the past and tell Annie, George and Tom that they have to kill her as a baby in order to save the future.

In the next episode we’re introduced to a vampire, werewolf and ghost that have been living together since 1955. The vampire Hal,  is an old one and is thousands of years old. He’s gone through long periods of being good and then going evil. Eve’s ghost gets them to visit the other trio—and the old werewolf dies. And the ghost, Pearl, goes to the other side, leaving Hal behind. George gets killed—and Hal ends up living with Tom and Annie, so there’s a completely different dynamic. The rest of the episodes have Hal dealing with his vampirism, Tom falling in love, Annie’s powers increasing so that she can actually kill people by touch—and the vampire’s plan to take over the Earth, which all hinges around the baby, Eve.

The season starts on a bit of a downer, with half the familiar characters dead or dying (and another major character makes her exit by the end of this season!) but Season Four is as good as the first. It literally puts new blood into the series. Highly recommended.

Below (2003)

This David Twohy (Pitch Black) film takes place aboard a US submarine during WWII. The sub is ordered to pick up survivors of a destroyed hospital ship, of which there are only three. One of them turns out to be a British nurse, whose personality clashes with some of the crew. But as soon as this rescue is made odd things start happening aboard the ship, things which are connected to the sub’s captain, who had died in an accident a few days previously. There’s ghostly apparitions and the captain is haunting the crew— but why? The surprise ending explains it all. Below works both as an action thriller and as a creepy ghost story. This is the movie that should have been released in theaters instead of Ghost Ship, which was made at the same time.

Ben (1972)

This sequel to Willard starts off with the ending of that movie and how Willard Stiles is killed by the rats. Detective Kirtland (Joseph Campanella) comes in and starts his investigation. He reads some of Willard’s diary, about how he controlled an army of intelligent rats to do his bidding. The authorities gas Willard’s old house but not before the rats escape into the sewer system of the city. Then we go to the story of a young boy (Lee Montgomery) who is dying of a heart ailment. He’s cared for by his older sister (Meredith Baxter) and mother. The garage is his playroom, where he has these string puppets. This is also where he often breaks into a cheerful song. I found this kind of unsettling for some reason, even when he composes the ‘Ben’ song later in the movie-it’s just weird and doesn’t fit the rest of the movie. We’re shown how the rats are looking for food and utterly destroy a local grocery store. Those same detectives show up, along with the ever present crowd of onlookers. This is another strange thing about this movie-every time there is some type of rat-related incident there’s always this crowd of people standing by, silent, watching. In one scene, where a bully starts picking on the kid, Ben sends his rats to attack him. And soon after Ben shows the boy where the rat’s lair is in the sewer system. The boy promises not to tell anyone. But the authorities do find out where the rats are hiding-and try to kill them by flooding them out and also with these flame throwers. These scenes of destruction-and frying rats-seem to go on forever. The movie ends on a depressing note, with the boy crying in his room about all the rats being killed and an injured Ben showing up at his window. He starts wrapping the wounds up with cloth. Both the boy and the rat are in sad shape. It’s a movie worth seeing, as it’s a sequel very different than the first movie, and does have its moments.

Beneath (2007)

A young woman (Nora Zehetner of Heroes) haunted by the horrific death of her older sister (Carly Pope) in a car fire returns to her hometown to attend the funeral of her sister’s father-in-law, who had taken her in after her sister died. In a flashback we’re shown how the sister was burned while her younger, fourteen-year-old sister was driving, and how she went through physical therapy and eventually died. Or did she?

She starts investigating the circumstances of her older sister’s death but all of the documentation is vague. It’s also suspicious that the doctor who signed the death certificate was her own husband. And she was never embalmed.

There are some gruesome burn makeup effects, as nasty as those in the Masters of Horror installment Right to Die. And Zehetner is an interesting actress to look at. She kind of reminds me of a Persian cat.

Beneath Loch Ness (2002)

A group of researchers, working on a documentary for a ‘Discovery Planet’ type cable channel, are trying to prove a theory that Loch Ness used to be a breeding ground for ancient prehistoric beasts. An underwater earthquake happens, an underwater rift opens, and the leader of the group fatally falls in to the crevice, never to be seen again. Just when the group is packing up and ready to leave a new director is hired (Brian Wimmer from China Beach) and soon after the producer (Lysette Anthony) appears. Of course the director and producer are ex-husband and wife. Anyway, people start disappearing and everyone thinks it’s ‘Nessie’ particularly when a monster is spotted. But when the plesiosaur-like Nessie washes up dead on the shore, with a huge bite taken out of her, everyone realizes that it’s ANOTHER monster, one that’s much much bigger and ferocious. This was a decent movie up until the point where they show this really fake looking sea serpent. Patrick Bergen (Hell’s Highway) also shows up in the ‘Ahab’ role, wanting revenge on the creature who killed his son in a boating accident. He paints his face blue like Braveheart (or is the Blue Man Group?) and goes after the beast. The rest you can guess fairly accurately.

Beneath Still Waters (2007)

Forty years ago in Spain, a small town was submerged underwater with the construction of a nearby dam. The rumor is that it was done for money but the truth is that it was done to destroy the evil that the town harbored, as they were demon worshippers. Now, a black substance is creeping forth from the water, claiming its victims. A local reporter - and a journalist also investigating the reason for the submerged town - hook up and investigate what’s going on. The leader of the cult has returned and wants to infect the new town that is nearby, a town which is celebrating the forty-years of its existence.

I got the feeling the producers were trying to mimic The Fog too much, using black fungus instead of fog. This Brian Yuzna (Return of the Living Dead 3) is not nearly as entertaining as Dagon, and the water effects look too unreal. So so.

Beneath the Bermuda Triangle (1999)

A U.S submarine, captained by Jeff Fahey, accidently passes through a rift in time which catapults them seventy years in the future. Here, he and his crew encounters a 1984ish police state run by Richard Tyson (Big Bad Wolf, Three O’Clock High) and a group of rebel fighters who oppose him. Of course, Fahey sides with the rebels-and discover that their leader is his own grandson, which causes some confusion, not to mention time paradoxes. They not only have to fight against the evil empire together, Fahey wants to return to his own time to help prevent this dismal future from happening. But if he does this he will be preventing the birth of his own grandson. Much of the movie is supposed to take place on the submarines and looks as if shot on the same set a dozen Roger Corman produced movies have already been shot on-it never feels like a submarine so much as ann abandoned factory. In fact, this doesn’t even feel like a real movie, just an unformed idea with a lot of stock footage.

Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970)

I’ve never liked this sequel as much as the first movie, I think because it’s such a downer. Taylor, who escaped with the mute girl Nova at the end of the first movie, travels further into the Forbidden Zone on horseback and seemingly disappears into thin air. Nova remembers that if anything happened to Taylor she was to go back to Zira and Cornelius for help. Along the way she runs into John Brent (James Franciscus), another astronaut who has crashed. They go to Ape City and he’s shocked at what he sees. He meets Zira and Cornelius, they try to help them but they’re captured by the militant gorillas, who want to use them as target practice. Zira unlocks the cage they are in and they manage to escape and head back to the Forbidden Zone. There, Brent finds an underground cave that turns out to be the ancient NYC subway system and finds himself in the remnants of Queen’s Plaza. Walking further, there’s the New York Public Library and a few other landmarks. He can’t believe it, of course. Even weirder, there are intelligent humans there that worship the Alpha/Omega nuclear bomb as if it were a god. During their church services they reveal their true faces—and it turns out they are all hideously deformed from the thousands of years of radiation. However, it has also given them psychic abilities and they force Brent and the captured Taylor to fight to the death. They nearly do but manage to kill the mutant and escape. However, this is just as the ape army is invading, so it’s bad timing. The mutants begin to activate the “doomsday bomb” and Brent stops them, only to be shot in the head by one of the gorilla soldiers. Then, Taylor is shot—and falls against the controls, his dead hand setting off the detonation.

I never realized it before seeing the Behind the Planet of the Apes documentary that a different actor portrays Cornelius here (David Watson), as Roddy McDowell was off directing his own film at the time. Also, it still amazes me that this was rated “G” when it was released over forty-years ago.

Beneath the Surface (2007)

Ethan has a crush on a girl, Kaylah, and even manages to become study partners with her. When she is killed by her boyfriend, who covers up the murder by saying it was a suicide, Ethan is determined to uncover the truth. He does this by reanimating her corpse with a form of voodoo. However, once the undead Kaylah makes eye-contact with her murderer, a stipulation of the voodoo kicks in— she has to destroy her slayer no matter what. But if she does this Ethan will lose her all over again. This is a lighter version of Deadly Friend, though not nearly as good.

Beowulf (2008)

This Robert Zemeckis epic is a lot better than I thought it would be. The first forty-five minutes or so seemed like a re-run to me, as to be expected from seeing several other Beowulf (Beowulf & Grendel, Grendel, et cetera) movies this past year, so the last half of the picture is what’s interesting. Beowulf, the ultimate warrior, has killed Grendel and supposedly slain his mother, but it turns out he’s mated with her instead, to produce a ferocious dragon that terrorizes his kingdom when he’s much older. At first I found the computer animation a bit strange but you get used to it. The monsters, though, are the thing to watch. Grendel is a nasty looking creature, though a bit pitiful like Gollum in The Lord of the Rings movies. The cyclopean sea serpents were my favorite.

Beowulf & Grendel (2006)

This movie is comparable to a cross between Lord of the Rings and The 13th Warrior. Based on the Scandinavian legend of the 6th Century warrior of the same name, it’s the story of a “Troll” who is terrorizing the village of King Hrothgar (Stellan Skarsgard of Exorcist Prequel), killing off his best warriors. The reason he is doing so, however, is that Hrothgar slew his father when he was young and this is all revenge. When Beowulf (Gerard Butler of Dracula 2000) comes to this land, things change and a hunt for the Troll begins. But Beowulf senses that there’s more to the story than the King is letting on-and that the Troll’s actions may be very justified. He becomes friends with Selma (Sarah Polley of Dawn of the Dead remake) who is viewed as the local witch, and she confides in him that Grendel (the name of the Troll) protects her from the men who would rape her. There’s also a very good reason he protects her, which we discover at the end of the movie. As the movie progresses Beowulf perceives Grendel more and more as a human than a monster, but must ultimately chase him away or kill him. When Grendel’s mother appears, however, we are introduced to much more of a monstrous creature.

What I liked about this movie is that it portrays Grendel, the Troll, as more of an early form of man (such as Neanderthal, as did The 13th Warrior), one of the last of his kind. He’s hairy, incredibly strong and leaves a very bad odor when he urinates (like a bigfoot supposedly does). There are not a lot of special effects here, mostly the aftermath of some of the slayings, but the scenery and locations are beautiful and as much a part of the story as are the people.

Bermuda Depths, The (1978)

This is one of the strangest made-for-television movies ever made. A young man named Magnus returns to his home town after spending years in mental hospitals because of a nightmarish incident he suffered as a child-his home was torn apart by someTHING and it killed his father. Now, he’s back to get some answers. He encounters an old friend (Carl Weathers) who is doing some marine research in the Bermuda Triangle area-and is tracking a giant sized creature. He works with an old scientist (Burl Ives) who was an associate of Magnus’ father. Magnus’ father was trying to find the cause of why deep sea creatures grow so large.

One day Magnus is visited on the beach by a beautiful young woman (Connie Selleca) who tells him her name is Jenny Haniver. This prompts him to have a flashback of when he was a kid and encountered her, only she was a girl. In fact, he carved their initials on the back of a sea turtle he had as a pet. When he tells others that he met her they think he’s crazy, because “Jenny Haniver” means “fake”, as that’s the term people used for these faux stuffed mermaids they make and sell on the islands. Then, when they’re out on the boat they encounter the giant creature, which is this enormous sea turtle, several times larger than their boat. And it’s right under them.Jenny appears on the boat and tells Magnus that they mustn’t harm the beast, though the captain goes ahead and hits it with a harpoon. It’s sort of like Captain Ahab and Moby Dick.

The special effects are crude and the miniatures are all very clearly miniatures but it’s entertaining nonetheless. It’s one of the few live-action movies produced by Rankin Bass Productions (they also did The Last Dinosaur)

Best or Roger Rabbit, The (1996)

This twenty-five minute tape features all three of the Roger Rabbit cartoons made by Amblin Entertainment-Tummy Trouble, Roller Coaster Rabbit and Trail Mix-Up. Basically, they are revved up Bugs Bunny Warner Brothers cartoons, with Baby Huey being the most hysterical character as he’s basically a foul mouthed, cigar smoking midget portraying a baby. As stand-alone featurettes they work well, but watching them all at once is a bit overwhelming.

Bewitched (2005)

The premise of this ‘remake’ is that Hollywood is re-making the Bewitched television series of the 60’s. The lead actor who portrays Darrin (Will Ferrel) finds the perfect woman to cast as Samantha in Nicole Kidman, who really is a witch. Like the character she portrays, she’s trying to kick the habit of casting spells and live in the real, ‘normal’ world. Well, if the intention of this movie is to make you want to watch one of the original episodes or buy the recently released DVD of season one, then they’ve succeeded. As a movie itself, it’s really a non-movie. It’s not particularly funny or clever. Kidman does do a good Elizabeth Montgomery imitation but she’s underutilized-you want to see more of her and her crazy supernatural family. They should have forgotten about this ‘movie within a movie’ thing and made a simple remake. It could only have been far better than this forgettable flick.

Beyond Darkness (1992)

This Poltergeist influenced ghost/house possession story features a lot of familiar looking tv commercial actors. The director of photography also went a little nuts with the fog machine...every ‘scary’ scene has that haze and those diffused lights. In fact, it’s downright hard to see those evil devil worshippers from beyond death. The jist of the story is that a reverend moves in to a house with his wife and two children-and soon an evil presence makes itself known. When he tells his church about it they don’t seem too surprised. Ultimately, it’s up to another preacher to help banish the evil. Very familiar territory.

Beyond Loch Ness (2008)

Beyond Loch Ness is one of the better made for Syfy Channel movies, up there with Snakehead Terror. James Murphey (Brian Krause), a cryptozoologist, witnessed the death of his father and colleagues by the Loch Ness Monster thirty years earlier, when he was a kid. Now he wants revenge on a similar creature that has appeared in the Great Lakes region, in Lake Superior. The monster itself is a sort of plesiosaur that’s able to walk on the land with its flippers. And it’s vicious. And, like the recent American incarnation of Godzilla, there may be more than one of them...

This Loch Ness creature movie is far better than Beneath Loch Ness.

Beyond Re-Animator (2003)

Although this is a somewhat needless sequel, far less gory and dynamic than the first two movies, it’s more interesting than I thought it would be. The movie starts off with a reanimated corpse, freshly escaped from Miskatonic University, killing a young girl, which is witnessed by her younger brother. The police come in-and the young boy sees Herbert West, handcuffed, being put into a squad car. Cut to thirteen years later, where Herbert has spent the last years in prison. A new doctor, Howard Phillips (get it?) arrives, who just happens to be that young boy. He has sought out Herbert in the hopes that they could discover a way to bring the dead back to life. Well, this is old hat to Herbert-and in the intervening years has come up with a new twist to the formula. He’s discovered an electrical energy that constitutes personality-and by injecting it into one of the freshly reanimated dead brings them back to their former selves. That is, if the right energy is put into them.Howard Phillips falls for a blonde woman reporter, mirroring the Barbara Crampton female role from the first movie, and she ends up dying and being brought back to life (a la Bride of the Re-Animator)-and from there is gets twisted. It’s great seeing Jeffrey Combs reprising his role-too bad that the majority of the movie doesn’t deal with him, but rather the other inmates at the prison he’s in (who all later become reanimated). But as I said, needless, and by the way the movie ends you know they have yet another sequel in mind. The thing that bothered me the most about the movie were the people’s accents. Everyone is supposed to be American but the reporter has a slight Spanish accent and the Howard Phillips character has a Scottish accent at times! I guess that’s what happens when you shoot in Spain and on a budget-can’t import those actors in.

Beyond the Wall of Sleep (2006)

This is one of the best H.P. Lovecraft inspired movies I’ve seen. The story takes place at a mental institution in the Catskill Mountains-and they’ve a new patient (William Sanderson of Bladerunner, Newhart), an inbred man who has this weird looking tumor growing on his back. One of the hospitals interns-who is conducting some nasty experiments of his own-takes an interest in him and comes to believe that the tumor harbors the brain of the man’s twin. There is another mind there-but it comes from another dimension. There’s plenty of blood, gore, nasty situations and characters-and a pervading sense of dread throughout. You know this movie is not going to have a happy ending.

Beyond Westworld (1980)

This TV pilot, based on Michael Crichton’s Westworld, isn’t a bad idea for a television series. Immediately following the revolt of the robots from West world, John Moore (Jim McMullen), who is the Delos Corporation’s head of security, is called in to investigate. He and his colleagues discover that the person responsible for the robot malfunctions is a man named Simon Quaid. He’s the one who created the robots in the first place and is ticked off that the Delos Corporation chose to use his creations for entertainment, rather than society-changing, purposes. In this first episode (I believe there were a total of six made) Moore is kidnapped and nearly killed by both “the gunslinger” and a robot rattlesnake. He and his team discover that Quaid has planted a robot aboard a nuclear submarine and must stop him from nuking a coastal city. In fact, Quaid has hundreds of his human looking robots planted among humanity, programmed to do his bidding. And each robot must be dispatched in a different way, which gives a unique way to destroy them in each episode.

Big Bad Wolf (2007)

A nerdy college guy steals the keys to his step father’s (Richard Tyson) secluded cabin so he can take up some “friends”, who belong to the fraternity he wants to join. They bring along their girlfriends and he brings along a female friend he’s secretly interested in. But there’s a good reason the step father doesn’t let anyone up there. Every full moon he goes there to let loose and transform into a rampaging werewolf. Because the college students are up there, they are only so much fresh meat. The nerdy college guy and his girl friend escape but have the rest of the movie to figure out what they are going to do to stop the monster. The coolest thing about the movie is that the werewolf stays in character the entire movie, whether he’s man or beast. When he’s transformed into the monster he still talks and utters the appropriate wisecracks. In one scene after he wakes up in human form after a feeding, he takes an uneaten human finger out of his mouth, thinks about it a moment, and then finishes it.

Big Bad Wolf is one of the best werewolf movies I have seen (and I’ve seen about every one) and actor Richard Tyson (Two Moon Junction, Three O’Clock High)  gives one of his best performances to date. Tyson makes this movie work. In fact, if the producers ever decide to make a sequel they’d have to definitely bring his character back.

Big Fish (2003)

This is a surprisingly moving, very low-key Tim Burton movie with an excellent cast. A man (Billy Crudup) is at odds with his father (Albert Finney), who has told these fantastical stories to him all his life. He wants to know the ‘real’ stories, not made up ones. After three years of not speaking with him he gets a call from his mother saying that the old man is dying-so he returns home in hopes of getting some closure. The father re-tells him some of the stories, which involve giants, a giant catfish, a secret war mission and Siamese twins. The audience is led to suspect that some of these incredible stories might be true-but how many of them are? Of course, we don’t find out until the ending, which also turns out to be a real tearjerker. When I saw this in the theatre 95% of the audience stayed through the end credits, all sniffly and teary-eyed. At the same time, it’s a feel good movie, so go figure.

Bigfoot (2008)

The intention of this family movie, I think, is to be an update of Harry & The Hendersons. The story revolves around Percy Caldwell, a teen who has a crush on Madison, the hot teenager who is not only a cheerleader but sings in her own band. In an effort to help her out and make an impression he pisses off two dimwitted locals who chase him in their pickup while he rides his dirt bike. He’s force off road and lands in the woods, unconscious. When he wakes up he’s face to face with a Bigfoot, who has been displaced by a nearby fire. The first part of the movie has him with his friends and then going to the woods to talk with Bigfoot. Then, those two thugs, who also hunt, want to capture the creature and end up imprisoning him in a cage in a barn. Of course, Percy and his friends, including the teenager, manage to rescue Bigfoot and take him home, where his parents aren’t all that surprised about the huge anthropoid. In the end he is able to go back to the forest and back to his own kind.

The bigfoot costume is decent enough, though he’s not all that tall and is old, with a gray beard. Harry & The Hendersons, even the TV series, had a way better Bigfoot. My biggest problem is that it’s sort of weird that the kids are 14-15 years old when it probably would have worked better if they were 10-12 years olds. And the actor who portrays Percy just seems way too gay, so I was never convinced he was interested in the girl. Another minus is Angie Everhart, who portrays Percy’s mother. She is a terrible actress and since she’s getting up there in years it just makes you think to yourself, “Man, she’s getting old and she still can’t act”. If you’re a Bigfoot movie completist then you’ll probably want to see this, though you may be fast-forwarding through all the non-bigfoot parts. Directed by Kevin Tenney, who has done many better movies.

Bigfoot: The Definitive Guide (2011)

This is the best documentary I’ve seen on the phenomenon of Sasquatch and the Yeti. A group of four scientists are presented with all of the the information and make educated guesses as to what this creature may or may not be—and all three arguments are convincing. All the sightings of such a creature are marked on the globe and we are shown the largest concentrations of sightings, which are around the Himalayas and the Pacific Northwest.

One theory proposes that it’s an unknown large primate, descended from the prehistoric Gigantopithecus. Which seems to be likely for Yeti and the surrounding creatures that bear identical descriptions. Or it may be a remnant population of early man, such as a giant form of Neanderthal Man, which skeletons show reached over 6.5 feet tall. Or it’s the modern day Native American population on the Pacific Coast that still practice shamanism and spend time as “wild men” in the woods. There are re-enactments. One of the better ones is a group of Russian soldiers in the 1920’s who think rebels are hiding in a cave—and are attacked by what seems to be a primitive caveman. They kill it and the officer in charge documents all of this in his log. And there are also interviews with credible eyewitnesses. Even the infamous Patterson film is discussed.

When you realize that Gorillas weren’t thought to exist until the 1850’s—and weren’t even studied until the 1920’s—- and that recently a new type of ape, a 300 pound Chimpanzee, was found in the Congo, it is plausible that this type of creature may exist. And if it’s intelligent, avoids humans and buries its dead, then finding a skull or body would be impossible. If you’re interested in Sasquatch this is a must see program.

Biggles: Adventures in Time (1986)

A guy named Jim Ferguson (Alex Hyde-White) is visited by an old man (Peter Cushing) who asks if he is all right. Puzzled, he replies yes, and asks the man to go away. Minutes later he’s zapped by what looks like lightning and finds himself transported to the Western Front of 1917. He’s almost hit by a bi-plane and manages to rescue its pilot before it explodes. The pilot is James Bigglesworth, Biggles (Neil Dickson of She Wolf of London) to his friends.

Then, Jim is back in his apartment. For some reason he’s tied to this English soldier and keeps on going back and forth from the present to 1917. The crux of the story is that Germany has come up with a new weapon, a sort of radar dish that can knock planes out of the sky. It’s up to them to destroy it. There are some interesting bits, such as when Jim accidently brings his girlfriend back in time with him because he was holding her hand when the time-shift happened. And the end sequence, when Biggles is transported to the modern world and they hijack a helicopter, which they bring back to 1917 with them to destroy the secret German weapon. This movie was made before the advent of computer animation so all the plane shots and explosions are real, which makes a huge difference and adds quite a bit of production value. The movie ends with Jim disappearing in the middle of his own wedding, to find himself in another precarious situation, this time involving cannibals in New Guinea, which was obviously a setup for a sequel which was never made. The one thing that did grate on me was that horrible song the used throughout the film. Otherwise, an enjoyable enough time-travel movie.

Bio Hunter (1991)

In this animated short (60 minutes), two scientists try to cure people who are possessed with the ‘demon virus’, a sickness that changes the actual DNA of its victim. In one of the best opening sequences I’ve seen in a movie, a man and woman are having sex and the woman starts transforming, saying that ‘she’s hungry, oh so hungry’. The next thing you know, the guy’s hand is bitten off and we see that one of her breasts now has a huge, tooth-filled mouth and is devouring his hand. It turns out that one of these two scientists is infected with the virus as well, but he is able to control his transformations to a certain extent. If you enjoyed such movies as Wicked City or Ghost in the Shell you’ll like this one.

Bionic Showdown: The Six Million Dollar Man and The Bionic Woman (1989)

This second reunion movie is not as good as the first, which is not saying much. The thing is, Lee Majors and Lindsay Wagner are in this about fifteen minutes. The rest of the movie is about a young woman named Kate Mason (Sandra Bullock), who has received a new type of bionics that has enabled her to walk. She still has her original legs, it just augmented them. There’s an organization who wants to mess up The World Unity Games in Toronto, so she goes undercover on the racing team. Two men are interested in her, Oscar Goldman’s nephew (Jeff Yagher) and agent Allan Devlin (Geraint Wyn Davies of Forever Knight), one of whom may be a double agent.

In a subplot, which is far more interesting, stoic Oscar Goldman (Richard Anderson) quits the OSI and goes undercover to expose a traitor in the US Government who is working with the Soviets. As with the first reunion movie, this has the feel that it was a pilot for a new Bionic series.

Bionic Ever After? (1994)

This last reunion movie has a very mundane plot about a guy who is holding an American Embassy in Nausau hostage for money. He also has an inside person at the OSI working for him, which becomes very obvious. Jaime Sommers starts having serious problems with her bionics and they discover it’s because of a computer virus that was introduced into her system. The same thing happens with Steve Austin when he’s out on a mission with a new partner, who just happens to be the traitor. And yes, they finally do get married. Sure, there is a nostalgia factor with these two series but thank god this is the last reunion movie as it does not come close to the better episodes of the original series.

Bionic Woman, The (2007)

I think this show is far more influenced by Alias than it is the original Bionic Woman series from the 1970’s. Rather than her being a school teacher, this Jaime Sommers (Michelle Ryan) works is a college dropout who works as a bartender and takes care of her younger, teenaged sister. She also finds out that she’s pregnant with the child of the brilliant scientist she is dating. Of course, his area of expertise is cybernetics and when they are in a terrible car crash he saves her life by replacing her damaged body parts with bionic appendages (two legs, one arm, one eye and ear). She’s somewhat pissed by all this, more so when she finds out that she’s now basically property of a secret government organization and has to do their bidding. She also finds out that she wasn’t the first bionic woman. That’s Sarah Corvis (Katee “Starbuck” Sackhoff), who, after several years, has gone insane from the implants. Is the same fate in store for her?

Miguel Ferrer portrays Jonas Bledsoe, who is basically the Oscar Goldman character.

I think one of the problems with this is that the first few episodes move too fast—-in the first hour-long episode there’s not enough time on establishing her character before she becomes bionic. And when Sarah Corvis is introduced, she quickly becomes the more interesting character.

Birth (2005)

Anna (Nicole Kidman), still grieving ten years after the death of her husband, Sean, announces that she’s going to get remarried. Soon after, during the birthday celebration of her elderly mother (Lauren Bacall), a ten-year-old boy shows up at the apartment and claims to be Sean. Of course, at first Anna thinks the kid is nuts-but with his continued persistence and knowledge he possesses, she becomes convinced that this is the reincarnation of her dead husband. This extremely irritates her fiance, who moves out of her apartment. Anna, then, begins to develop the idea that she should run away with this child and wait until he’s old enough to get married to her. There’s two really uncomfortable scenes involving the two in a bathroom and again in a bed. Birth isn’t a horror film, as nothing horrific happens, nor is it a thriller, as nothing remotely thrilling happens either. So much could have been done with the premise, yet it’s done in such an unfocused, meandering way that you’re kind of just left saying ‘huh?’ when the movie ends. Birth is a stillborn.

Bitch Slap (2010)

This isn’t quite a horror movie, but it is indeed a solid “B Movie” that has everything going for it. The story revolves around three beautiful brunettes, Trixie, Hel and Camaro, who steal a fortune in diamonds from a Las Vegas Kingpin. The movie begins out in the desert at the end of the story and works its way backwards, revealing some surprises along the way. None of the characters are quite what they seem. There are also some amusing cameos by Lucy Lawless, as a nun, and Kevin Sorbo, as a secret “James Bond”-type agent. There are many pairs of breasts, explosions, a lesbian triangle, breasts, blood, and yes, breasts. Weirdly, there’s not any nudity though lots of innuendo. If you like Death Proof you will love this exploitation flick.

Bite Me! (2004)

The premise is that a crate of bio-engineered marijuana winds up at a strip club called Go-go-saurus. The club is surrounded by these huge dinosaur statues, which were built by the previous tenant, the foremost among them being this towering Godzilla, which reminded me of that replica of the big G in Godzilla vs. Gigan. But along with the pot comes these weird, spider-looking creatures that feed on human blood. A female bartender is the first one attacked by the bugs-and as a result starts behaving out-of-character. Their bite makes the victims act the opposite of how they are. Because she liked men she now has a thing for women-and this gives the movie its obligatory lesbian scene. A renegade, crazy DEA agent (John Fedele), who is on the trail of the crate of funky marijuana ends up transforming into this nasty, insectoid creature, which is done with stop-motion-animation. It is a cool sequence and wouldn’t have the same affect if done with CGI. Fedele’s performance as the agent is hilarious.The club’s three strippers, Crystal, Trix and Amber, are the heroines of the story-and actor Rob Monkiewicz, a regular in the last few Brett Piper movies, is the not-so-bright exterminator. His bug spray makes the creatures radically grow in size. BITE ME! is a fun, enjoyable movie that reminds me of those cheesy bug movies from the 1950’s. Directed by Brett Piper.

Black Cadillac (2005)

n this intense horrific thriller, which brings to mind Duel and The Car, three guys (two are brothers, one is a friend), go to a sleazy Wisconsin roadhouse to party and end up getting in a fight with the locals. The oldest brother was in the midst of having sex with a woman he’d picked up before he was interrupted-and when he comes back outside, fleeing from the mob that’s after them, she’s gone.The guys take off in their Saab and soon come upon a police officer (Randy Quaid) whose patrol car has stalled from the cold. They are nervous at first, thinking the man will bust them for having empty beer cans in the car, but he assures them that he’s off duty and won’t do anything. Soon after, they are stalked by this big black 1957 Cadillac El Dorado. They assume it belongs to one of the locals at the roadhouse. Sometimes the car just follows them, sometimes it appears on the road ahead of them and they have to go around it. As the movie progresses this chase becomes more dangerous-and it’s clear the people within the Caddy are out to get them. But why is it chasing them? We’re also not sure if there’s a supernatural element or not, as there seems to be no stopping this vehicle. The movie is also ‘based on a true story’. Black Cadillac has interesting characters, a breakneck pace and a suspenseful mystery which keeps you watching. Recommended.

Black Christmas (2006)

This is one of those rare remakes that’s superior to the original and I’d rank it alongside the recent remakes of The Amityville Horror  and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre in terms of creating something new from the source material. The premise is that an insane yellow-skinned (he has a rare liver disease) killer escapes from the asylum after fifteen years and goes back to the house he was practically held captive in most of his life. Through flashbacks we see how the serial killer was created, from his Joan Crawford looking mother locking him in the attic and her mental and physical/sexual abuse of him. Unfortunately for a group of sorority sisters they are now living in that same house-and the girls start being knocked off one by one. Although I’ve seen this scenario a zillion times I still found the movie interesting and suspenseful. Director Glenn Morgan (X-Files) also brings in two actresses from his Final Destination movies. If you enjoyed that brutal trilogy you will dig this throwback.

Black Dahlia (2006)

The infamous, unsolved 1947 murder of starlet Elizabeth Short is the backdrop on this story about the relationship of two policemen, both former boxers. One is corrupted (Aaron Eckhart), the other (Josh Hartnett) is not, and both are interested in the same girl (Scarlett Johansen). Mia Kirshner is well cast as the emotionally disturbed murder victim and the identity of the killer, while not a big surprise, works. Hilary Swank (Sometimes They Come Back Again) portrays a bisexual rich chick who is somehow involved with all of this.

Black Death (2010)

In 1348 Europe a group of Knights, led by Ulric (Sean Bean of Lord of the Rings, Lost Future), are sent by the Church to investigate an isolated town that’s rumored to be immune to the bubonic plague that is sweeping the land. They think it’s because of a demon, primarily because everyone thinks that God is punishing his people and if they aren’t being punished it must be the devil’s doing. On the way, the group picks up a young Monk in training, Osmund (Eddie Redmayne), who has an ulterior motive to going to that part of the country. He’s in love with a beautiful woman and she fled to the woods to escape the disease. He’s to meet her there in a week. Yet when the group gets there he finds only her bloody clothes and it appears she has met her end. This brings the attention of some nearby bandits, there’s a fight, one of the knights is killed and their horses are stolen. Afterwards, they make it to that village they are seeking.

They tell the leader of the village that they are travelers and just want a place to stay for the night, yet they are suspicious. Yes, the village has not been stricken by the plague and this bothers the knights to no end. Ulric believes the woman healer, Langiva, to be an evil witch and wants to prove this. It turns out that the villagers are not devil worshippers at all—they simply don’t believe in ANY type of god. Of course, this is one in the same to Ulric and his men, who want to kill them all.

This isn’t a typical movie about the Middle Ages. I thought it really interesting that none of the characters are likable, except for glimmers of the main character, the monk who is distraught over his girlfriend and what he ends up discovering about her. Yet, what happens to him in the movie transforms him into something terrible and this ends the movie on a definitive—and effective—down note. This is the best movie about the Middle Ages I’ve seen since Paul Verhoeven’s Flesh & Blood. Recommended.

Black Forest (2012)

A group of people, mostly Americans, go on a tour of Germany’s Black Forest. Their tour guide is a snagle toothed crazy looking guy (Ben Cross of Star Trek, Dark Shadows redux) who has his own agenda. At one point he leads them out of the forest, onto a field that has a ring of ancient stones. They summon a fairy—and she snatches a woman’s baby. The group then finds itself stuff in this other reality where those Brothers Grimm stories exist. One woman is killed and eaten by the seven dwarves, there’s a witch and the Big Bad Wolf shows up. On hand to help them is a woman who has taken on the appearance of the main character’s dead wife. She was kidnapped as a child as well and now looks hideous. This is an entertaining enough movie and the special effects, particularly the wolf, is better than you’d think they’d be with a Syfy produced movie.

Black Friday (2001)

This is a really cheap looking action movie starring Gary Daniels as an ex-military man who had quit in the middle of a hit job, refusing to kill a man and his two children. We skip some years later to when he’s a businessman and gets caught up with some of his old comrades, who don’t look very kindly upon them. One of them, in particular, who looks like a big-time wrestler, wants to kill him personally. Oh, there’s also the plot about how the U.S. government wants to do experimentation on people without their knowing it. There’s a lot of wide shots, we see the microphone in one of them and, of course, some kickboxing action, though not nearly enough to make this movie interesting.

Black Hole (2006)

Scientists experimenting with an atom collider in St. Louis end up opening a “black hole”, which starts to consume everything. If that wasn’t bad enough an ethereal creature, which sort of reminded me of the ID creature from Forbidden Planet, escapes and starts consuming electricity. Kristy Swanson is one of the scientists, who basically just talks, and Judd Nelson is her love-interest, who was recently dismissed from that business, only to be brought in by the military to stop this catastrophe. David Selby (original Dark Shadows) portrays the military guy in charge, though he’s a bit too old for the part. While the story is goofy and plays like a 1950’s “Sci-Fi” movie, the special effects are good and there’s some creative use of stock disaster footage.

Directed by Tibor Takacs (The Gate, I, Madman)

Black Mask 2: City of Masks (2001)

This was a fun movie, reminding me of Guyver 2 (live action version) with over-the-top action and guys running around in rubber monster costumes. Although I haven’t seen the first movie this one was easy to follow. The Black Mask character was created by this giant brain to be the ultimate assassin but he rebelled and became a hero, saving people instead of killing them. So the brain sends another super-man to dispose of him.In the meantime, though, another scientist has figured out a way to augment humans with animal DNA-and is using this group of pro-wrestlers as guinea pigs. He turns them into their namesakes, especially The Iguana, who transforms into this man/lizard and goes on a rampage.Lots of action, a cute female doctor with a peculiar phobia, cheesy monsters and lots more action. I think BLACK MASK is the INFRAMAN for the 21st century.

Black Sheep (2007)

The best thing about this movie is its tag line: There are over 40 Million sheep in New Zealand and they’re pissed off!’ After reading that, the movie goes downhill. As in 28 Days Later well-intentioned animal rights activists unwittingly unleash a virus. It affects the sheep by making them very aggressive and meat-eating. Also, if someone is bitten by one of the sheep they start transforming into one of the creatures, so there’s eventually these were-sheep running around, like the Big Baaaaaa-d Wolf. The main story concerns two brothers, one who is responsible for the genetic engineering experiments and the other who just came to collect his money, as he’s terrified of sheep because of a bad childhood experience. The special effects are decent, particularly the giant monster sheep. But the movie is trying to be funny and quirky, like Peter Jackson’s Bad Taste, and it doesn’t work. Overall, I give this a BAAAAAAA-D recommendation.

Black Water (2008)

I hate it when the tagline on a movie has the catch all phrase, “Inspired by True Events”. Hell, Independence Day is inspired by true events, Harry Potter is inspired by true events. It can apply to anything, because anything fictional is “inspired” by something that’s true. Okay, got that out of the way.

The Australian movie Black Water is a realistic seeming account of three people who get stranded out in the mangrove swamps in Northern Australia and held captive by a large saltwater crocodile. It won’t let them swim to their boat, which is a short distance from the tree they are perched in. One of the characters tries to retrieve the craft, but is dragged under the water and killed and another is nearly killed when she’s dragged to one of the creature’s food hideaways a short distance away. The movie reminded me a lot of Open Water, except it’s on a river and it’s a crocodile instead of sharks. The croc itself isn’t a giant, mutant creature, but a normal sized crocodile, about a dozen feet long. But that’s big enough to be a big threat. Black Water is one of the more realistic killer animal movies I’ve seen.

Blackwater Valley Exorcism (2006)

A priest (Cameron Daddo of The Man From Earth), who has a colorful and extremely unlikely past, is called to help exorcise a young woman who appears to be possessed by a demon. Of course, she talks in a reverberating voice, and tries to be very sexual towards the priest. It turns out that he had a relationship with her sister years before and also had a tryst with her. There’s a chance his former flame may also be responsible for this possession. The mother and father are put through the gamut by some lies the demon tells them and they end up becoming casualties. Jeffrey Combs (Re-animator) portrays the corrupt sheriff for five minutes. This movie has bits and pieces of a dozen other possession type movies and you’ll chuckle at lines such as “You will fornicate with swine in hell”. A low-budgeter trying to capitalize on the far superior The Exorcism of Emily Rose.

Blade: Trinity (2004)

While not quite as good as the first two movies this is still an entertaining flick, writer/director David Goyer opting more for sarcastic comedy than drama. Blade is caught on videotape when he inadvertently kills a human and the FBI is quickly on his trail. But some of the agents are familiars of the vampires, working with them. Parker Posey (Frankenstein- TV 2004) is the vampire villain, over the top with nastiness. The character of Hannibal King, who used to be a vampire and the vampiress’ play-thing, provides the humorous anecdotes. Jessica Biel, as Abigail Whistler is more of the action heroine of few words. The villain, this time, is Dracula (Dominic Purcell of the Tv show John Doe) himself-or rather, the five-thousand year old creature who had assumed that guise. He is an intimidating creature in his ‘true’ form, more resembling a demon than anything else. It’s revealed that he was the first vampire. He’s also fond of wielding a sword, which comes into play during the final confrontation between him and blade.The group that Whistler and King work with is also devising a biological weapon which will target and kill vampires. But in order for it to work-and be effective on all the vampires-they have to inject Drake (Dracula) with the serum. Once this happens the virus will presumably spread and kill vampires.Not much is added to the Blade character-Snipes has action sequences and one-liners and the majority of the movie is carried by the other vampire slayers. It would be interesting to see if there’s a spin-off sequel just featuring them...

Blade: The Series (2006)

The television incarnation of vampire hunter Blade is mixed, though mostly good. Blade travels from Moscow to Detroit, after a coven of vampires led by successful businessman/vampire Marcus Van Sciver. This particular group of vampires have developed a vaccine to combat the vampire killing virus last seen in Blade Trinity. Blade wants to infiltrate the House of Cthon and manages to do so when Krista Starr (Jill Wagner of Splinter), a former Army woman, is investigating the death of her brother. The police keep on telling her that her sibling was killed because of drugs and gangs but that same cop is working for the vampires, hoping he’ll be made immortal for his service.

However, Krista Starr is bitten by Van Sciver and killed - and comes back as a vampire. This gives Blade an undercover agent if she’s able to reign in her hunger and bloodlust. He supplies her with some of his own special serum, to curb her appetite, though this pilot episode ends with him not knowing if the situation is going to work or not.

Actress Jill Wagner kicks ass as Starr. She has great screen presence and her character is interesting. The sames goes for Neill Jackson as Van Sciver, who really doesn’t seem so evil of a character. In a flashback scene the viewer is given a glimpse of how he was transformed into a vampire - in the 1700’s, by a tribe of vampire Native Americans. And in the present day we see some of these same indians in The House of Cthon. Are they the original vampires who founded the House?

Ironically, the least interesting character is Blade himself, portrayed on the small screen by Sticky Fingaz, for two reasons. The first is that the three theatrical movies did everything they could with the character. The second is that no one can fill Wesley Snipe’s Blade shoes. Sticky does an okay job but I kept on thinking ‘Why is this guy dressed like Blade’?

There are lots of extras on this dvd, including a long multi-part ‘Making of’ which features Exec. Producer (and BLADE scripter) David Goyer looking slightly uncomfortable, as if he’s trying to convince himself ‘That everything’s going to be okay’ with this series.

The 11 episodes of the series follow this story directly. The evil vampire cop has escaped and wants to join one of the vampire clans, there’s a plan by the evil Marcus Van Sciver (Neil Jackson) to destroy the natural vampires with a virus, and we get to see flashbacks of Blade as a child, which I think are the best sequences in this entire series. Trouble is from Chase (Jessica Gower), Van Sciver’s girlfriend, who is always jealous and seems to be plotting against him half the time.

The part with Krista (Jill Wagner) as a newly turned vampire trying to fight off the blood lust gets tiresome after a few episodes but gets interesting once she starts having genuine feelings for Van Sciver. She’s connected to him, as he’s the one who turned her into a vampire, and his blood flows in her veins. A part of this is that she is able to see into his past and the person he was before he was a bloodsucker. Trouble arises from Chase (Jessica Gower), Van Sciver’s spurned girlfriend, who seems to be plotting against him half the time and is jealous of Krista. The best episode of the series is the last, in which Van Sciver manages to get his revenge on the Pureblood vampire who raped and killed his wife before his eyes a hundred years before. Blade (Sticky Fingaz) however, remains one-note, which he’s supposed to be, a killing machine, and those flashbacks to his childhood, when he was getting the urge to kill, add another dimension to his character, as it’s such a contrast to his current persona. Again, Wesley Snipes is far better than “Sticky Fingaz” in the role.

Another problem is that this series is set in Detroit but the city portrayed doesn’t look like Detroit at all (probably because it was shot in Toronto) and as someone who lives about an hour away from the Motor City it looks goofy seeing these characters in this impostor city. It’s too bad this series was cancelled as it was just getting up to speed with interesting story lines and situations. Also, whatever happened to that proposed Knight Stalkers movie, the real sequel to Blade: Trinity?

Blake’s 7: Volume One (1978)

This videotape consists of two episodes of the popular 70’s British Television show, The Way Back and Space Fall. In the first story we’re introduced to the main character of Roj Blake, who finds out that he’s been brainwashed by the government of the domed city he lives in-and that he was once a famed resistance leader. After witnessing the brutal slaying of another resistance group that has contacted him he decides to go back to his former ways. But he’s put on trial for a made up crime and sentenced to a far away prison planet called Cygnus Alpha.In the second episode he’s a prisoner aboard the prison transporter going to Cygnus Alpha and we’re introduced to several characters that will appear as regulars in the series, who are convicts and thieves. They know that the police crew will probably eject them into space well before they reach the penal colony so they decide to take over the ship’s computer. But there’s another ship that’s on a collision course with them, an alien ship of the kind none of them have seen before. It turns out to be the ship that they use throughout the series.Of course, this series reminds me a bit of Doctor Who, just because all the interiors are shot on video and the exteriors on film. But I can definitely see where Farscape got a lot of its ‘inspiration’ from. If you’re a fan of space shows like Lex or Stargate SG-1 then you should definitely check out this series. It definitely set the groundwork.

Blake’s 7: Volume 3 (1980)

This tape of the popular British television series contains the episodes The Web and Seek-Locate-Destroy. In The Web Blake and his crew are caught in this web that encircles a strange planet. One of the crew members, Cally, is possessed by an entity that turns out to be this creature that looks like a fetus with a large adult head. It controls these two artificial beings, who keep his domain safe. But an experiment in creating sub serviant slaves they created has gone awry and the strange looking aliens continually attack the building they are in. They need to get an energy source from BLAKE in order to destroy the creatures. In return, the fetus alien will release them from the web. This is one of the better episodes I’ve seen. The costumes for the aliens look disturbing and hold up well to the camera. In Seek-Locate-Destroy and old enemy of Blakes’, Commander Travis, is hired by the leader of the Federation to seek him out and destroy him. Cally is accidently left-behind during a mission and the Commander uses her as bait. But Blake has a plan of his own to thwart his old enemy. The tension is good between the two adversaries and Travis is made more sinister by his Phantom of the Opera-like mask and robotic hand.

Bleed (2002)

A woman named Maddy (Debbie Rochon) is hired for an office job and quickly becomes friendly with one of her co-workers. One night he invites her to a party and when they are all in or around the hot tub they explain to her that everyone of them belongs to the ‘murder club’ and that each of them has murdered someone for fun. One guy explains how he chopped a homeless guy with an axe, another how he simply shot a person. At first she doesn’t know what to think about this information but she’s not overly shocked. In fact she wants to belong. So she kills a woman in a parking structure by bashing her head against a concrete wall. She confides in her boyfriend that now she’s a member-and he’s VERY shocked. It turns out that he and all his friends were just messing with her, playing a joke, they made it all up. She overhears them talking about this and what they’re going to do with her-and soon members of ‘the murder club’ start being killed off. Is she the one doing the killing? Or is it someone else? Debbie Rochon does some of her best acting here and the story is interesting, no fast-forwarding here.

Bleeding, The  (2009)

This vampire movie begins with comic-book like illustrations during the title sequence. Then, it goes to a beefy bald guy driving a truck. This is Shawn Black, who looks like an ugly version of Vin Diesel (yes, you heard right). His passenger is a bad actress who exclaims “Those monsters, they killed her!” Their truck is being pursued by a whole legion of vampires on motorcycles and it looks like there is no escape. Before you can say “Road Warrior”, the film then goes to “Three days earlier”. Shawn is in the hospital and gives us a pseudo-bible voice-over about how vampires are part of a war against good and evil, then something about Revelations, blah blah blah. Oh, and he lost his family to bloodsuckers, which gives him this whole revenge angle. Unfortunately this guy’s demeanor stays exactly the same throughout the entire flick— monotone.

Cain (Vinnie Jones of Midnight Meat Train) is the leader of the bloodsuckers. He wants to eliminate “The Slayer”, who turns out to be you-know-who. I simply had the feeling I’ve seen this all before. In fact, the best scene in the movie, in which a vampire butcher is chopping up humans, is lifted right from the Ridley Scott movie Legend (when the elves are all captured in Darkness’ castle). And, of course, this movie would not be made if it wasn’t for all the Blade movies. There’s a cameo by Armande Assante (Judge Dredd) and Michael Madsen is an alcoholic priest, Father Roy, who wears a black cowboy hat. While there are some good production values and the vampires are vicious there’s nothing you probably haven’t seen before.

Blessed (2005)

Heather Graham (Bowfinger, Lost in Space) portrays a Catholic schoolteacher in New York City who goes to a fertility clinic with her husband. This is in Upstate New York, where the modern looking facility looks out of place with the rural surroundings. They stay at a cabin provided by the place-and like it so much that they decide to rent out a house when their apartment is burglarized in the City. Everything that happens to them, including her writer husband landing a huge advance for his next novel, is no coincidence. What they don’t know is that the clinic is run by people who worship the devil-and they want to bring him into this world. They do manage to make Graham pregnant-but they’ve also injected Satan’s DNA in the mix as well. How they got the blood is explained by one of the characters when he tells the story about an old painting he has, which depicts a Saint slaying Lucifer. The slaying of ‘the light’ led to the Dark Ages. What they wish to do with his resurrection is bring ‘A New Dawn’ (The name of their organization) to mankind. There’s also an Italian priest who is stalking Graham, and even though he’s supposedly on the good side of things he’s definitely not a good guy. Blessed is a lot like Rosemary’s Baby-and the ending is like The Astronaut’s Wife, so not a lot of originality. Production values are good. Produced by Andrew Stevens (The Fury,  Terror Within 1 & 2), whose mother, Stella Stevens (The Manitou) has a cameo.

Blindness (2007)

At the beginning of the film a Japanese man stops driving in the middle of traffic, saying he is blind. Another guy gets out to help him, but ends up stealing his car. Later, that thief goes blind. Once the Japanese guy is home in his apartment, his wife takes him to the eye doctor (Mark Ruffalo of The Avengers), who is puzzled. Rather than seeing darkness, this man is claiming he is just seeing white. The next morning the Doctor wakes up blind—and soon all the people who saw the previous day in his office are blind as well, with this “White disease”.

Society goes into a panic and quickly quarantines all of the newly blind people, basically dumping them in a prison type setting to fend for themselves. There are no doctors or sighted helpers. Just guards standing outside the buildings, threatening to shoot anyone who tries to leave. Overcrowded, one ward decides to control the other wards and one blind thug even gets a gun. And the more powerful group decides to take all the food, only rationing it out when the women from the other groups agree to have sex with them. It’s like Lord of the Flies with blind people. Towards the end, when they discover the guards are gone, they break through the barricades to find that everyone else in the city is blind. It’s everyone for themselves. There are some impressive shots of the city, is trash everywhere, people scrounging, rats, and pets eating their dead owner’s bodies. I kept on waiting for the Triffids to show up but had to remind myself that’s another movie.

Blitzkrieg: Escape from Stalag 69 (2008)

This is an extremely ambitious period exploitation movie from the director of The Bloody Ape, Keith J. Crocker. The movie could not be more different than that simian tale. The story starts in 1955, in Argentina, where a Nazi named Helmut Schultz is tracked down by a duo of women Israeli agents who want him to pay for his crimes. The overweight German guy manages to shoot them both and escapes outside, where he defeats two other agents. He seeks refuge in a church and recalls to the priest what happened at the POW camp he ran in Germany, in 1945. Back then he has it good and does whatever he wants. For example, he tries to create an ape-man, the ultimate killing machine, because he always wanted to be a scientist. He also does some horrible experiments on some captured girls. Meanwhile, the prisoners plan to mount an escape.

This movie is definitely a throw-back to exploitation flicks like Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS.. I wouldn’t say it’s an enjoyable movie but it’s definitely not boring. There’s plenty of depravity, gore and naked chicks. My only gripe is that the ultimate fate of Nazi Helmut Schultz did not pay off—and the movie ends with his demise.

Blood & Chocolate (2007)

The tried and true Romeo and Juliet scenario, this time with a young woman (Agnes Bruckner of The Woods) who is a werewolf and a young American artist who is visiting Romania. He first meets her in an old church, where he’s researching information on werewolves - and continues to pursue her. He discovers that she works at her Aunt’s chocolate shop and from that point on they are pretty much together. However, she’s been promised to the leader of the pack, the head werewolf, who takes a new bride every seven years and he doesn’t like the idea that she’s becoming familiar with a mere human. Once a month the clan of werewolves meet and hunt some unfortunate person they’ve chosen (usually a criminal), which bonds them together. It turns out that Romania is the last bastion of the Loup Garou, as they’ve been hunted to extinction in every other part of the world. In fact, the girl’s parents were slain by humans when they had moved to America.

As far as werewolf movies go this falls somewhere in the middle. The coolest thing about Blood & Chocolate are the man to wolf transformations, which are simply beautiful. They don’t go through a horrible, painful metamorphosis into an amalgamation of man and wolf - they magically transform into wolves with human intelligence.

Blood Angels (2004)

The premise here is that a group of beautiful women escape from a vampire (Lorenzo Lamas) who is keeping them captive in his house. But before they escape, they steal “The Book of the Dead”, which has a spell which will enable them to become full vampires, and therefore become beyond his control. They are thralls, not quite human, not quite vampire, but a creature caught somewhere in between. One of the women invites her younger sister to visit, with the intention of telling her what she has become. She does this at a huge party they are throwing, which is a means for them to take blood from humans without killing them. But things get sidetracked when the vampire master shows up uninvited. This is an entertaining vampire movie, along the lines of the Grace Jones starring Vamp.

Blood Craving (2007)

This is an unusual movie in that it’s a re-edit of an older vampire movie from the early 90’s, called Night Owl. Basically, a new beginning was shot, introducing some new vampires and also a bunch of victims are shown chained in the basement of an old house. Then, it cuts to the gritty 16mm black and white Night Owl movie. What this new wraparound story does is explain in more detail what has happened to the ‘Angel’ character (John Leguizamo) at the end of the original version. My only complaint is that the new digital footage is far too crisp and clashes with the moody black and white, making it a bit jarring when the cut between the new and old footage is made. Directed by Jeffrey Arsenault.

Blood Creek (2010)

In 1936 a German family in Pennsylvania take in a Nazi soldier named Wirth (Michael Fassbender of Inglourious Basterds) who is studying the occult forces. They had dug up a huge Runestone when they first made the farm and it’s in the cellar of the barn. Wirth is able to draw power from it. In fact, he manages to bring a young girl’s dead pet bird back to life, sort of. Then we go to present day, to the story of two brothers.

Evan Marshall is a paramedic who feels guilty that his brother, Victor (Dominic Purcell) disappeared two years before. He had just returned from the war in Iraq and then he mysteriously vanished. So he takes care of his invalid father and looks in on his nephews and sister in law. Then, one day, his brother shows up, filthy, with long hair and a beard. He says he was kept captive on a farm ten miles away all this time and he wants to go back for revenge. Evan agrees to go with him. This turns out to be the same farm seen at the beginning of the movie—and everyone in that German family appears about the same age, which is really strange. Wirth is still alive and he’s the one who was feeding on Victor’s blood for the past two years. He is awaiting for a lunar eclipse and hopes he will attain a “third eye”, which will make him all powerful. Of course, the night the brothers decide to go back there is the night of the lunar eclipse. The brothers also learn that the family is terrified of him and have barred him from entering their house with the use of ancient rune symbols. Wirth is an intimidating monster and there are some cool scenes, such as with the zombie horse (which makes me think what a great job they would be able to do nowadays with the effects for a Tomb of the Blind Dead remake!). It’s definitely worth checking out. Directed by Joel Schumacher, who partly redeems himself for having directed Batman & Robin (1997).

Blood Feast 2: All U Can Eat (2002)

Herschell Gordon Lewis’ sequel to one of his most famous films is extremely entertaining and really seems like another 70’s drive-in movie. The nephew moves in to take over the family catering business and is soon possessed by the idol stored in the back room. He gleefully starts killing and incorporating the bodies into his cooking. If you enjoyed the first you’ll like this entry.

Blood Gnomes (2005)

In this very low-budget but creative horror movie, a blob-like monster gives birth to the gnomes, which go around and attack people. The special effects are quite good and the little monsters suitably ferocious. This movie is what those Charlie Band Full Moon miniature monster themed movies should have been, interesting and entertaining.

Blood Harvest (1999)

A guy, searching for a reason why his friend disappeared a year before, goes to a small New England town and uncovers a sacrificial cult responsible for a LOT of murders. He hooks up with a girl at a college party and tells her he’s searching for a killer. Little does he know that they are far outnumbered and that the cult isn’t exactly a town secret. The ending is a clincher! An extremely well-done homage to those 80’s slasher flicks. Directed by Nathan Thompson (Contact Blow). Shot on location at Bennington College in Vermont.

Blood Monkey (2007)

The movie starts off with an Asian guy running frantically through the tropical jungle yelling “It’s coming!”. Soon after “It” is caught in a big bamboo cage. Whle the white leader of the group calls back to camp, telling Professor Hamilton (F. Murray Abraham) that they finally caught one of the creatures, it escapes. When the professor gets there the only thing that remains of the hunting part are gobs of bloody flesh. And the only thing we see of the killer ape is a fake-looking computer animation of a gorilla with sharp teeth. Then, the movie goes to a group of young asshole anthropologists who do a lot of bad acting. They have names like Seth, consist of the stereotypes of the nerd, the blonde, and the jock, and are more interested in screwing around than doing their job, which is to rendezvous with Professor Hamilton in this location somewhere in Asia. After they are dropped off in the middle of the jungle and watch the small plane depart, one of them says “I think I’m having second thoughts”. Coincidently, I was also having second—and maybe third thoughts about continuing to watch this movie...

The group sets up camp and in the morning the crazy Professor Hamilton shows up and tells them they are going to a hidden valley, where strange creatures live. He has his evil looking female assistant confiscate all of their cell phones because he doesn’t want anyone leaking this information to the outside world. Once in the valley they set up camp—and find a huge ape skull (this thing is like two feet across). Somehow they are supposed to capture one of these creatures—and eventually almost all of them are killed. In the end, when the last two survivors hide in a cave, we finally see a full shot of the “Blood Monkey”, which is not so impressive. So far this is the worst of the “Maneater” series of movies I’ve seen but then again I’ve unfortunately only seen a few of them.

Blood on the Highway (2008)

The movie revolves around three twenty-something friends, couple Carrie and Sam, and tough guy Bone, who go on a fourteen mile road trip to a festival but get sidetracked when they begin to encounter vampires. In the opening scene, in which there’s the grand opening of a grocery store, the customers are attacked. Now, three weeks later, that entire town is thriving with the undead. And the friends have to survive.

There’s plenty of fangs, blood, and cameos by Nicholas Brendan (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) and Tom Towles (Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer). I view this as “lowest common denominator horror”. It’s a mishmash of everything, part comedy, part horror, part social commentary that never quite gels, which prevented me from liking it on any of those specific levels. There’s nothing memorable about this other than how quickly it passed out of my thoughts...

Blood Red Planet (2000)

The newest epic by the Polonia Brothers is a silly, silly movie. A group of astronauts, sent on an expedition to Mars, are mysteriously killed. So a second expedition is sent, commandeered by Jon McBride (the only competent actor in the movie). When they get near the Red Planet they discover aliens. Although some of the effects are decent, most notably the miniatures by Brett Piper, the computer generated spaceships and effects fail to meet the standard set by their earlier Feeders. And the movie features one of the worst non-actors I’ve ever seen in a movie. You wanted him to get killed—and it didn’t happen soon enough!

Blood Relic (2005)

In 1983 a Navy pilot, Hank Campbell, goes on a killing spree in his air hangar after he puts on an ancient voodoo talisman. He’s caught and put away in a mental institution. In present day, that same air hangar is being converted into an aircraft museum. The owner (Billy Drago) is this crazy-eyed weird guy obsessed with history-and all the people he has hired, whether it be as a tour guide or what-not, is recruited into restoring the old machines and cleaning up the place. So there’s this group of a half dozen people for fodder for the madman who soon starts slaughtering them. Is it the Billy Drago character? Or is it Hank Campbell, who was recently released from the mental institution. Although the location is different the story is so much the same as any slasher movie-and the somewhat lazy special effects (blood, lots of blood...and rubber intestines) doesn’t help this one bit. And there’s a ton of it. It almost seems to me that filmmakers J. Christian Ingvordsen and Matthew Howe are trying to make up for their previous bloodless Bog Creatures. The whole voodoo curse thing is also rather vague, though the stock footage of the missiles and airplanes for the flashback scene are used effectively. Producer/Cinematopher Matt Howe has a cameo as a psychiatrist at the beginning of the movie and Debbie Rochon portrays one of the employees at the museum.

Blood Rites (2002)

A father and his teenaged daughter move to a backwoods town and strange things start to happen. First of all, it seems that the townsfolk have the practice of human sacrifice, shown in the first scene when a father slays his daughter with a knife. Then, the white-cloaked figure appears, watching all these events. At first you think this is some kind of psycho, but when he starts floating through walls it really throws the viewer for a curve. It turns out that this ‘being’ is the town’s god, which in turn is their own evil side. When the local preacher battles it ‘to the death’ he manages to kill it but dies in the process. When the hood is removed there’s a surprising revelation. This is one hell of a creepy movie, reminding me of those Thomas Tryon movie adaptations, The Dark Secret of Harvest Home or The Other, and it’s not that often such low budget movies can pull this off. Directed by Josh Moyse.

Blood Rites (2011)

This low-budget horror film from Dorothy Booraem is about a drug venture gone bad. Nikki, the heroine, is trapped in an abandoned warehouse with her co-conspirators and three hostages—and there’s something up with the hostages. No one can leave the building because all the exits are blocked—and someTHING wants a taste of blood. These bad guys aren’t nearly so bad as what’s now after them. On one hand it’s not any easy thing to make a one-location movie interesting, but there’s enough twists and turns here that I didn’t get bored. There are good production values and decent acting as well. However, I’m not a big fan of “heists gone wrong” movies, so that just reminded me of why I don’t enjoy those flicks. But if you do like Guy Ritchie movies you’ll probably like this.

Blood Thirsty (1999)

Directed by Jeff Frey, this is a failed attempt to modernize the vampire mythos. Celia, a down on her luck musician/waitress type, movies into the beautiful home of vampire wannabee Whitney (Monique Parent), suspicious that something is wrong because the rent is so darn cheap. The catch is that Whitney likes to drink blood-and wants Celia to be her V8. There are Minimal sets, lots of talking while they are sitting on the sofa and some of the most uninspired sex scenes since the last Vista Street Entertainment movie...

Blood Ties (1990)

This premiered as a television pilot on Fox Network and never metamorphosed into a series, probably because it was so self-effacing. Rather than in attempting to create a new type of vampire like Daughter of Darkness, or deal with the classical vampire, as in the 90’s version of Dark Shadows, Blood Ties instead tries to deemphasize the vampire myth entirely, treating them simply as a minority with a nutritional problem. “We’re not vampires,” explains the main character, who has managed to integrate himself into human society, “We’re Carpathians”. This limp revelation basically drains all blood from the movie. Equally disappointing is the news that “Carpathians” can be killed with conventional weapons and are not immortal or even undead. They simply have long life spans (170 years), and can even roam about in teh sunlight. Needless to say, they have no fangs either. The only thing that really sets these Carpathians apart is their sexual appetite, which television is much more eager to show than violence. Michelle Johnson (Waxwork) plays the “bad” vampire girl very effectively. Although there is the climactic confrontation between the Carpathians that want to kill and drink blood and those that want to integrate with modern society (as in Anthony Hickox’s Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat), it comes a little too late.

Blood Ties: Season One (2006)

Vicki Nelson (Christina Cox of Defying Gravity) is a former police detective, now private investigator, due to her degenerative eye disease. In the first episode she’s clearly having trouble seeing, bumping into things and wearing thick glasses. However, this is seemingly forgotten in the rest of the season, as it doesn’t seem to be an issue.

Her first introduction the supernatural involves a guy who is killing people by draining them of blood, though this turns out to be a demon, rather than a vampire, summoned by a nebish named Norman. Also investigating these murders is Henry Fitzroy, who is a vampire. He no longer kills people in order to feed and is a “good guy”. He befriends Vicki and together they stop Norman and the demon from unleashing their boss, Azaroth, onto the world. However, Vicki becomes marked on her wrist by this strange tattoo, which has something to do with the supernatural. In later episodes they encounter a voodoo priestess creating zombies, a vengeful ghost, a Windigo, Medusa, a sports contest called the Necrodome which pitts zombies against one another, and Julian Sands as an evil vampire hunter. But why is she all of a sudden investigating supernatural cases? It’s explained that because she’s marked by a demon she has now become a magnet for the supernatural.

Although the show features a vampire investigating cases in Toronto, it’s nothing whatsoever like Forever Knight. And it’s far better than that recent Network show Moonlight. Henry Fitzroy (Kyle Schmid of Joyride 2) is an interesting vampire. He looks like he’s 18-20 years old and writes/illustrates horror graphic novels for a “living”. There’s also a good chemistry between him and the Vicki Nelson character, which greatly helps the series. The most annoying character and weakest actress is Gina Holden (Flash Gordon) as secretary/goth girl Coreen.

Blood Ties: Season Two (2007)

I found these twelve episodes not as great as the first dozen. Vicky and Henry continue to investigate supernatural cases and there’s more of a triangle developing between Vicky, Henry, and Vicky’s former police partner. The woman who turned Henry into a vampire is introduced and she’s posing as a photographer, a plot idea that I think was stolen by the more recent vampire detective show Moonlight. It is too close for coincidence. The Incan Mummy episode is simply terrible and makes little sense on many levels. The Reincarnation episode, though, makes up for it. A sixteey-year old is determined to find the “love of his lives” and she’s ten years older than him because his previous body was kept alive in a coma for a decade before he could reincarnate. So she came back first and married—and realizes she has a happy life, not fated to end badly. The boy, though, is convinced they are to be together and his Vicky and Henry to help him.

One thing that bugged me is that Vicky’s vision problem is ignored for most of the season until the last episode when we’re shown her point-of-view, which depicts that she can barely see. If this is the case she wouldn’t have been able to function in the majority of the episodes. Although the show doesn’t end quite as depressingly as Forever Knight, it still ends with a bummer. Henry decides to leave Toronto for the West Coast (Vancouver or Seattle) and her former partner loses his job for helping her one too many times. The last scene is them both walking out, leaving her in tears. Also, the demon Azaroth is freed.

Blood Work (2002)

Another Hollywood serial killer movie! Another one! Clint Eastwood’s latest is just okay, mostly because it’s so predictable. I knew who the killer was the first ten minutes of the movie! Eastwood is looking mighty old and is starting to sound like E.T., Jeff Daniels does a good job as his goofy sidekick (reminded me of Dumb and Dumberer), and the lead woman sucks. She is awful. This movie is exactly what you think it would be about.

Blood-Stained Bride, The  (2004)

The second movie from the Tri-Toad guys (Brad Paulson, Tyler Burk, Aaron Burk), who have previously done The Van, is an extremely well-done, hilarious take on the Slasher genre and one of the best independent productions I’ve seen in past last year. In the opening scene a young bride freaks out on her wedding night when her new husband starts groping her and wanting to have sex. In a panic, she reaches over to the wedding cake on the nightstand, grabs the cake knife and kills him.We then skip to sometime later and are introduced to Tracy (Dan Moreton) and his trio of friends. They all act like refugees from The Man Show. Tracy is recently broken up with his girlfriend and soon hooks up with Madeline (Renee Madison Cole), who he meets while golfing on the beach. They start dating and she eventually moves in with him when she’s loses her apartment. Actually, her landlady finds out that she has no record of credit or any references-and Madeline kills her. As time goes by she becomes much more bossy and wants to control Tracy. Of course, she also hates his friends, who represent everything that she hates in a man. Tracy buckles in, until the end, when he finds out that she’s really a killer. But by this time she has killed about everybody close to him with her cake knife. Oh, she also dresses up in her blood-stained wedding gown before she kills someone. Some of the dialogue and scenes are truly hilarious, such as when one of Tracy’s friends introduces him to a girl who over-enthusiastically licks a popsicle in preparation for some late-night activities. Or when the same friend (Joe Sperando) says to the crazy Madeline, ‘I’ve met some psychotic women in my time but you take the cake!’ Dan Moreton does a convincing job as Tracy, the ‘everyman’ sort of character that I’m sure most guys can relate to. The star of the movie is definitely Renee Madison Cole as The Bride, who can instantly flip-flop from the ‘good girl’ to the killer bride. She reminded me of a psychotic Bonnie Hunt. Great performance. And, as I said, this is the best movie yet by Tri-Troad Productions. Well-written, well-produced, well-cast. If you’re a fan of independent productions this is a must-see. Directed by Tyler Burk.

Blood: The Last Vampire (2009)

It’s the 1970’s and a young-looking Japanese vampire girl named Saya chases a guy through a subway train. They fight and she slices him in two with her sword. When the train stops at the station she’s greeted by a dark clad guy, Michael Harrison, who tells her what her next mission is. He is part of a government agency that is using her to hunt demons. Saya agrees to do their dirty work as long as they point her in the direction of Onigen, the oldest demon, who killed her father years ago. She simply wants revenge. The government agency also supplies her with human blood, so she doesn’t have to kill.

She’s sent to a U.S. military base in Japan, posing as a student though she looks a bit out of place in her schoolgirl outfit. It’s here we’re introduced to rebellious Alice, the General’s daughter. When Alice is almost killed by two of her peers, who are really vicious demons, Saya steps in and kills them. But when she tells the soldiers about it everything is cleaned up, no evidence of a battle.

One night Alice sneaks away and goes into a bar in town frequented by Americans. It’s here that she confronts one of her instructors who knew the two girls would attack her. Not only does he reveal that he’s a gargoyle-like demon, everyone else there is as well. She runs and they pursue. Saya shows up with her sword and an impressive battle begins. She kills them all, except for the teacher. It tries to take Alice and she ends up slaying it. The General, in the meantime, is doing some investigating of his own and doesn’t believe that the two CIA men who showed up are who they say they are. He learns too much and they end up killing him. Alice walks in at this inopportune time and they go after her as well. Eventually Saya confronts her demon nemesis and it’s revealed what their relationship to each other is,. This utterly shocks the vampire.

Granted, the movie fits the same description as Buffy the Vampire Slayer—a teenaged girl works for a group of men, whose job it is to kill demons and monsters. And like Angel, she’s a vampire with a human soul. Nevertheless, Blood: The Last Vampire is an extremely good vampire film with some cool action sequences in which she slices and dices. It’s a faithful adaptation of the Blood animated movie that came out nearly a decade ago.

Bloodletting (1997)

A serial killer groupie follows the bloody exploits of and eventually teams up with a serial killer, spouting oh-so-clever dialogue this side of a bad Tarantino ripoff admist the implausibility of their twisted relationship. This shot on video quickie, produced by Junior Bookwalter and ‘directed’ by Mathew Jason Walsh (Kingdom of the Vampires), features some of the most painful acting this reviewer has ever seen—I kept on thinking to myself, while eating a slice of pizza, that my Domino’s delivery guy could do a better acting job than the male lead! Someone should also sit down and tell Ariauna Albright ‘No, you can’t act anymore. No!’. Conversely, the feature does have some great cameos by Sasha Graham (The Vicious Sweet), Scooter McCrae (director of Shatter Dead), and Mike Gingold (editor of Fangoria!), which makes for an entertaining five minutes out of the eighty.

Bloodrayne (2005)

To me, this is director Uwe Boll’s best movie, but by no means is this a recommendation to see this latest video game to movie adaptation. Christanna Loken is heroine Rayne, a Dhamphire (biological cross between a vampire and a human) who escapes from her prison at a circus and then starts to kill and feed on vampires rather than humans. Word gets around that she exists, so the king of the vampires, Kagan (Ben Kingsley) sets his vampire henchmen out to kill her, as she poses a threat to his rule (she is also his daughter). A human vampire hunting group led by Vladimir (Michael Madsen) finds her and agrees to let her help them in their quest to defeating Kagan. Kagan, it seems, is in search of three items which will make him truly immortal and indestructable- the eye, rib and heart of a mythical vampire which have been hidden for years. Michelle Rodriguez (Lost tv series, Resident Evil) is another one of the vampire hunters and she seems to sleep through her role. Rocker Meat Loaf is great as a depraved vampire named Leonid, who would give Anne Rice’s vampires a run for their money. I’m unfamiliar with the video game-but it seems like this all takes place in some sort of parallel world resembling the middle ages, where vampires and humans frequently come across each other. The script is cliche ridden and has a lot of lame dialogue, the vampires “change” when they get their fangs like in Fright Night or Lost Boys, and there is plenty of gore, though not with the most realistic special effects.

Again, I say this is Uwe Boll’s best movie (how does this joker get work when all his movies get panned so badly?), as I wasn’t constantly swearing at the screen or overly using my fast-forward on the remote. Still, this vampire movie is a lot to be desired and is only worth seeing for Loken’s performance.

Bloodrayne 2: Deliverance (2007)

Director Uwe Boll successfully undoes everything I liked about his first Bloodrayne movie. This bad sequel that takes place in the Old West, which is not that original an idea to begin with (Sundown, After Sundown, et cetera).. However, Natassia Malthe (Skinwalkers) is no Kristanna Loken and can’t carry the movie. Michael Pare (Eddie & The Cruisers, The Philadelphia Experiment) also pops up as a cowboy vampire hunter Pat Garret. Of course, everyone wants to stop Billy the Kid and it’s up to Rayne and her crew to save the day. There’s hardly any gore or special effects and the vampires are underwhelming. If you liked the first movie then you should avoid this.

Bloodstream (2001)

Some strange experiments are happening on a college campus—as well as some serial killer-type murders. Is it a coincidence? A woman starts investigating the disappearance of her kid sister, who was working as a lab assistant, and soon discovers the conspiracy to create violence-producing parasites. It seems that a politically active psycho wants to stir up the status quo—and by infecting people with these worm-like bugs-he’ll be able to do just that. All the characters are well-developed, albeit cast a little too old for the college-age parts, but even that’s amusingly explained.Thank god it wasn’t another vampire film! Directed by Dennis Devine and Steve Jarvis.

Bloodsuckers (2005)

This is one of the better vampire movies I’ve seen in the past few years. Usually when they take a monster and put him in space (Leprechaun 4, Critters 4, Dracula 3000) the movie usually sucks. But in BLOODSUCKERS they manage to make the creatures even more dangerous and horrendous. In the voice-over at the beginning of the film, it’s explained that when mankind started exploring space he encountered alien life-forms-and they were all vampiric.There are soldiers who hunt down the vampires and the tale is about one of those crews. The Captain, who we think will be the lead character throughout, is killed and it’s up to his new second in command (who has a shady past) to bring the disgruntled crew together. Oh, and one of the crewmembers is also a vampire, the result of two humans who were changed who became pregnant. She has a very unique power, which comes in handy later on.We’re introduced to troglodyte vampires, vampires who look like Nosferatu and even these eel-like vampires which take over humans and use them as hosts. Actor Michael Ironside (SCANNERS, V: THE SERIES) portrays one nasty vampire.If there’s only one vampire movie you want to see this year-then this is the one.

Bloodthirst: Legend of the Chupacabra (2003)

The box art for this video was pretty cool, with a ferocious looking creature with big teeth. Too bad we never see anything like it in the movie. Anyway, the video started out looking very much like un-filmlooked 8mm home video—and then the unengaging story unfolded. A family’s goats are being sucked of blood—and soon the humans are on the liquid menu. Before you can say ‘vampire’ the victims come back to life as vampires. There’s also a subplot aboutt his family having to get two thousand dollars for rent or they’ll be evicted from their apartment. There’s also the relationship between the son of that family (who is way too old to still be living at home) and a really hot looking waitress. Then I fast-forwarded a bit, to when they find the ‘chupacabra’ in an abandoned mine. They are there because if the son can get proof that the creature indeed exists then he’ll get two thousand dollars from a local contest. And all the vampires happen to be there as well. The Chupacabra turns out to be an old woman with a bad gypsy accent, bad makeup and these pathetic little bat wings sticking out of her back. The creature is killed when it plunges into a river of molten lava (damn deep mine!) and all the vampires disintegrate in bad, I mean bad, computer effects. This is perhaps one of the worst horror movies I’ve ever seen, now that I think about it. As I said, the box art for this video was pretty cool...

Bloody Ape, The (1998)

Although this movie is a little like Edgar Allen Poe’s Murders in the Rue Morgue, it has much more in common with the movie The Bat, which starred Bela Lugosi. The story concerns carnival barker Lampini, who does a pretty good Charles Nelson Reilly impersonation. He trains his 400 pound ape to kill when he smells bananas. He does this to kill a jewish jeweler who tried to rip him off, a racist auto mechanic who also tried to take advantage of him, and to his former girlfriend, who said she had enough of him and left him before he could propose. Of course, a few other people inadvertently get in the way of the psycho simian. What really helps the movie—and gives it the feel of a 70’s drive-in movie, is that it’s shot on Super 8mm film, so it’s suitably grainy. The ape costume is okay, as are the gore effects, but what works best is the movie’s sense of humor. It is quite funny.

Bloody Bender (2000)

John Bender, direct descendent of the infamous Kansas serial killer Kate ‘Bloody’ Bender continues the family legacy of killing people in various ways. There’s even a killing by drilling! The viewer is introduced to a bunch of weird characters and a decent performance by the main actor. This low-budget slasher, would-be Henry movie, isn’t the best independent movie I’ve seen lately but it is engaging in a sick sort of way. Kind of like when you pick at a scab and can’t stop picking it.

Bloody Birthday (1981)

In 1970 three kids are born during a total eclipse. Because of this, with the sun and moon blocking the planet Saturn, which controls emotions, they become psychopathic killers a decade later. Two of them are boys, one is a girl. The girl’s father is the town’s sheriff, and she and her two friends dispatch him with a baseball bat, making it look as if he fell on the porch steps. She even kills her older sister (Julie Brown of Earth Girls Are Easy) with a bow and arrow through the eye.

A ten year old boy and his older sister, Joyce (Lori Lethin of Goliath Awaits) suspect that something is wrong with the maniacal trio and have to try surviving to the end of the movie. There’s a brief appearance by Jose Ferrer as the Doctor who had delivered them all. Bloody Birthday is a decent enough “Killer Kid” flick but it’s more notable for being an early “Slasher Movie”, complete with Friday the 13th-esque music cues.

Bloody Mallory (2005)

Sort of a female version of Matthew Blackheart: Monster Hunter. Mallory and her woman anti-paranormal commandos (well, one is a transvestite) hunt down and kill monsters as they drive in their pink hearse-and fight the evil Abaddon. It’s comic-book style story and the effects involve exploding heads, a two faced demon and vampires. Their mission is to rescue the kidnapped Pope, though there ends up being quite a complication. In the vein of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, though not nearly as well written.

Bloody New Year (1987)

This may be one of the weirdest movies I have seen in years. In the late sixties, on an island off of Australia, a radar experiment goes awry on New Year’s Day, causing time and matter to become warped. This doesn’t really explain why inanimate objects come to life or why people end up looking like zombies. In the 80’s a group of Australian friends, who are harassed by some thugs at a local carnival, decide to take a boat out and visit a nearby island. Their rowboat ends up sinking. They find a mostly deserted hotel on the island, though people keep on appearing and disappearing. There’s the 1950’s type rock and roll band, the burned airplane pilot and a stair bannister that comes alive and bites one of the guys. Then those hoodlums show up and become crazy mixed up zombies. Bloody New Year definitely has an 80’s feel to it, which probably adds to the overall weirdness. Directed by Norman J. Warren

Blue Demon (2005)

An estranged scientist couple have developed intelligent sharks that obey electronic commands. They were intended for defense but an army general (Jeff Fahey) has other ideas. Someone sabotages their work and the sharks escape and kill people. Some of the shark effects are okay but the scenes in which you see the fins above the water are lame-and look like the styrofoam fins they are. It’s up to the scientists to get the creatures back or destroy them-and you know a mile ahead what’s going to happen. The movie’s writers can’t decide if this is supposed to be scary, a comedy or a thriller and so it doesn’t work on any of those levels. Blue Demon is one of the weakest killer shark movies ever made.

Blues Brothers 2000 (2000)

The first half of this sequel (which REALLY needed John Belushi) pretty much stayed in the same reality as the first movie. After that, though, director John Landis decided to go off in a weird tangent, with The Blues Brother’s Band playing at a contest in Louisiana run by a voodoo priestess. There’s lots of people floating around, disappearing and reappearing-and at one point she even turns Akroyd and his fellow singers into green zombies. I saw this a few days ago and still don’t know what to quite think of it. Just weird...

Boas (2002)

I’m a sucker for giant animal movies—spiders, sharks, reptiles chomping on tiny humans—but this giant snake movie is really starting to put me off of them. The premise is a bit convoluted—an ultra maximum high security prison is built in the Antarctic for the world’s worst criminals and the construction crew accidently unearths a giant Boa constrictor that was frozen in a nitrogen pocket. It starst to eat all the guards at the prison. Skip to two weeks later when the government hires an expert on prehistoric reptiles, paleontologist Dean Cain, who is assisted by his wife. Their plane is caught in a storm, they barely land—and are trapped in the isolated prison with the few survivors as the snake eats them one by one. Okay. First of all the digital effects for the snake sucks—sure, it’s easier to animate something on CGI that is basically a rope—but I’ve seen better in a video arcade game. It’s also out of proportion most of the time—sometime its Godzilla size, sometimes looking much smaller. And then there’s the scene, almost exactly as in the movie Python, where they fight the snake aboard a flying plane. It doesn’t work. Nor does casting Dean Cain as the scientist—I kept on waiting for him to run in to a telephone booth and emerge with the big ‘S’ on his chest. A better title for the movie would have been ‘Boas and Clark’.!

Boa Vs. Python (2004)

This is loosely tied to the other giant snake movies that have premiered on the Sci-Fi Channel. David Hewlett (Pin, Cube) is a scientist who has grown a giant ruby boa in order to extract mass quantities of anti-venom. He’s approached by the government when it’s reported that another giant snake, a Python from Asia, has been accidently released near Philadelphia. The reasoning is that the Boa will be able to hone in on the Python and lead to its capture. The Boa is outfitted with this camera and tracking device that’s attached to its head so that the scientists are able to basically see what it sees. The man responsible for the python is this rich sportsmen type guy who has organized a hunt. Rather than cancel the game when the snake gets loose he simply changes the location of the hunt. Of course, all of these hunters get killed by this hundred foot long snake. The battle between the two snakes is rather anti-climatic as the python is beheaded by a passing subway train and the other snake is electrocuted by the scientists. But the thing that drives me a bit nuts about these snake movies is that they look like cartoons with the computer animation. It’s simply not convincing and takes you out of the movie. I honestly fell asleep in the middle of the movie. What’s next—SPIDERS vs. SHARKS???

Body Parts (1991)

In Eric Red’s directorial debut, a criminal psychologist, Bill Chrushank (Jeff Fahey) loses his arm in a car accident. He gets a replacement limb. Soon, the arm begins having a life of its own—and other recipients are killed, their transplants ripped from them. He learns that all these body parts came from the same donor—an executed serial killer. Dr. Agatha Web (Lindsay Duncan of Rome) is the doctor responsible for the experimental surgeries to begin with and she’s helping the killer reconstitute himself. This is an intense horror thriller, though the scene in which the serial killer is walking down the street trying to carry his limbs always makes me chuckle. Recommended.

Bog People (2003)

Bog People is a boring zombie movie. An archeologist recruits a group of college kids to dig up some preserved bodies from an ancient bog to prove his theories that they belonged to a cult of Berserker Vikings. Although he’s proved right, they also awaken the creatures, who are people covered in mossy burlap and don’t move like dead people at all. The group discovers a survivor from a previous expedition, a woman who seems to be comatose (Debbie Rochon). She turns out to be a leader of the cult and the others must stop her before she can take over the world with her dead army. Incidently, Debbie is the best thing about this movie—a very good performance—but, alas, she cannot save the film. The screenplay for this movie, written by the director, the DP and the other producer, just sucks. Very sloppy, trying to be hip and coming off like Porky’s meets the zombies. It’s bogged down in stupidity.

Bone Eater (2008)

A construction crew of three guys uncover some Native American artifacts and unleash a stupid-looking creature that’s made of bones. It touches them and they all explode into dust. Bruce Boxleitner portrays the local sheriff and he has a stereotypical teenage daughter. The monster kills a bunch more people, one of the indians has an idea to use it for his own purposes, “to get rid of the white man”, and Bruce ends up donning warrior paint and confronting the stupid-looking monster.

Bone Sickness (2006)

I was impressed with the sheer amount of gore and horrific effects done on such a low-budget, but the weak story and bad acting made this a difficult movie to endure. It was painful in some instances. However, I was surprised by the ending—the creatures responsible for everything are Goblins, and they look just like the ones out of Lord of the Rings.

Bone Snatcher (2003)

A computer guy is sent to South Africa on a job. Once on ‘The Darkest Continent’ he has to take a truck across the desert to where he has to go. Unfortunately a previous truck has disappeared and so the group he’s traveling with has to make a not-so-quick detour to figure out what happened to them. They find their bodies, all the skin removed, just bones. And it seems as if someTHING starts following their vehicle as well. Well, something is-a horrific looking creature that was accidently unearthed by the recently departed. One by one everyone starts being consumed by this creature...The monster is very effective-black, kind of ape-like in form, with these human skulls and pieces of bone imbedded in its flesh. But later in the movie, when it dissolves into ants and then back to a human-esque shape it’s a bit farfetched. And why is it that these bug movies always have to have ‘The Queen’-and make it a plot point that they have to kill the queen in order to kill the whole colony? It’s beyond cliche.

Bones (2001)

This movie by Ernest Dickerson (Demon Knight) was a big disappointment-I expected something other than another ‘Nightmare on Elm Street’ scenario.A group of young African Americans decide to repair an old, creepy looking brownstone and open up a dance club. But the problem is that it once belonged to Jimmy Bones (Snoop Dog), a local criminal, and that his body is buried there in the basement. Once they start working the spirit awakens-and wants revenge on the people who killed him. This includes one of the youth’s parents.Jimmy Bones at first shows up as a ghost and in people’s dreams-and also in the form of this nasty looking black dog. I think the only reason they put this dog in the script is because of the dog in Snoop. Sorry, just didn’t work.Once people start being killed the flesh reappears on his bones and he starts going on his vengeance killing, taking them all to this version of hell that reminded me of the one seen in Nightmare on Elm Street 3. There’s just not enough meat on these Bones.

Boneyard, The  (1991)

A detective, Jersey Callum (Ed Nelson), convinces a depressed psychic to come out of retirement in order to help him identify three dead children that were presumably kidnapped by a mortician. This mortician also fed them human remains. In a police interview, this Asian man insists that these are demons, not children, and that his family was responsible for keeping them away from humanity the past few hundred years.

The majority of the movie takes place in the city morgue where they have to survive being attacked by these extremely creepy dead kids. However, the last third gets somewhat goofy as the Mrs. Poopinplatz (Phyllis Diller) gets contaminated by one of them and transforms into a large, puppet-like creature that looks like that kid from Freaked after he turns into a monster. And to top that off the woman’s poodle turns into a guy in a poodle-monster suit. However, this is one of the more original zombie movies out there, particularly in that it features dead kids.

Boogens, The  (1981)

The title sequence shows a series of old newspaper articles beginning from the late 1800’s, which tells of the opening of a rich silver mine, to its closing in 1912 after miners are attacked. Then, it’s the present day and four guys are reopening the mine. They unblock an old cave-in and come across a natural cavern, complete with underground lake. However, they’ve unleashed a creature that’s been trapped under there since that time and it makes its way to the nearby homes. One of these homes is being rented by

Trish Michaels (Rebecca Balding) and her friend. Little do they know that the woman who opened it for them has disappeared,  killed in an earlier scene. A few more people get killed until Trish and her boyfriend are trapped in the house when it catches on fire and they have to flee via one of the underground tunnels, which lead them to the creature’s cavernous lair. Will they survive?

For the first three-quarters of the movie the monster isn’t shown. Instead, we see a point-of-view through its eyes as it attacks its victims. Then, we see the tentacles and a weird taloned claw it uses to slash. When we finally see it, it resembles a fanged turtle crossed with an octopus. This is one of those 80’s movies that are far better in memory than actuality.

Boogeyman, The (1980)

The memory of seeing this early 80’s movie makes for a much better horror film that it actually is. It starts with a young boy killing his mother’s boyfriend, the action captured in the face of a hanging mirror. Years later, the boy is a mute and lives with his sister (Suzanna Love), who is now married. The ‘evil’ is captured in the mirror and directly influences anyone who comes near it. In fact, it kills everyone who presently lives in that house where the murdered occurred. The movie turns 180 degrees during the last third, when a glass fragment from the mirror imbeds itself in the woman’s eye socket and she becomes possessed.

Boogeyman (2005)

This one note horror movie has elements from Little Monsters, Monsters Inc, Monster in the Closet,  and probably a dozen other films which deal with ‘The Boogeyman’. Barry Watson portrays the young man who returns to his hometown to attend his mother’s funeral. His therapist tells him that he can set some personal demons to rest if he spent one night in his childhood house. This house is where he saw his father taken by the Boogeyman, which came out of his closet. Everyone insisted that his father ran away-including his mother-but he knows otherwise. So he stays in the house, encounters the ghosts of all the children the creature killed-and in one weird sequence goes back and forth in time to various Boogeyman abduction locations. There are a couple of creepy moments, a la ‘The Ring’, but the computer animated Boogeyman isn’t very frightening. A huge disappointment. Darkness Falls, which deals with a similar theme, is a much much better horror movie.

Boogeyman (2012)

A group of teenaged boys are messing around in front of an infamous house where a recluse lives. Two of them are brothers. The younger brother’s cell phone is thrown into the upper window, so he goes in the filthy abode and sees that something has been living up there in the attack, eating dead animals. He unwittingly unleashes the creature, which looks like a rotted zombie. The boys’ father is the town’s sheriff (Eddie McClintock of Warehouse 13) investigates the first murder, which happens to be of that recluse. The monster had killed him—and is now killing people in the area. But why? What is it?

It turns out that the creature is Cain from the bible and it’s the job of a sort of cult to keep him imprisoned so he doesn’t go on killing sprees. The story is engaging enough, with the relationship between the sheriff and his female deputy, and his two sons—and the monster has an interesting back-story. Recommended.

Boogeyman 2, The  (2008)

This disappointing sequel to “so-so” 2005 horror movie does away with any supernatural goings on to have a real killer doing the work. Basically, it’s nearly a remake of Friday the 13th Part V. The movie is needless and forgettable.

Boogeyman 3, The (2009)

This sequel begins with Audrey, daughter of the evil psychiatrist from part 2, returning from his funeral. SHe greets her dog, then goes through her father’s personal belongings, which includes his personal journal. In the diary he talks about The Boogeyman and that it may be real. After she’s done taking a bath, where we see her breasts, her dog is killed by something in her apartment. A black cloud emerges from beneath her bed and drags her under. The movie then cuts to Wolfbridge University, where we are introduced to a group of friends. The main character is Sarah, a girl studying psychiatry. She looks like a cross between Rose McGowan and Jorja Fox. There’s also an English guy and a black guy, who will undoubtedly be killed by the movie’s end. We soon learn they are friends of Audrey and wonder why they haven’t heard back from her.

Audrey shows up at Sarah’s dorm room and tells her that the Boogeyman is after her—and that he’s everywhere. There’s no place to hide. When we do see the monster it’s an effective use of jump-cut editing. Audrey is found hanged and then the black friend has his face impaled on the shards of a broken bong. For a moment I felt like I was watching a Full Moon movie....

Then Boogeyman 3 goes into Nightmare on Elm Street territory. Sarah has dreams in which blood is spewing from all the air vents in her dorm hallway, where she encounters her dead friends. As soon as the Boogeyman grabs her she wakes up. However, the English guy is not so lucky....he’s squashed into a small wooden chest by the supernatural monster. And a girl friend’s body is found in a dryer, a la My Bloody Valentine. By now Sarah is convinced everyone in the dorm is going to die.

The movie has a triple ending. The creature makes it look as though she’s responsible for the death of her boyfriend. She takes the blame and admits to the murder when the police arrive, so that the Boogeyman will not kill all the others in the building. Did she really do it and this was all a fantasy? Then something else happens at the end, which confirms that it wasn’t her imagination. I actually enjoyed this movie better than parts 1 and 2, though that might not be enough to recommend it.

Book of Blood (2009)

A horribly scarred youth is having breakfast in a dingy diner and he’s being watched by a sinister looking guy, who ends up kidnapping him right after he exits the place. The young man wakes up to find himself strapped to a table. His kidnapper explains that he’s been hired by a collector and that the collector wants his skin. But before he proceeds with the flaying he says he can make his captive’s death quick or unbearably long. In return for the promise of a quick death he has to tell a story, since he’s literally a living “Book of Blood”, the tales written into his flesh. The story begins with a young woman being attacked in her bedroom by an invisible entity, which tosses her around and then peels her face off. When her parents find her body they see the words “Don’t mock us” written in blood on the wall. We then cut to a University teacher who is talking about the supernatural. She is supposedly an expert about it and has written some well-known books. She goes, with an assistant, to that house where the girl was slain, in the hopes of getting concrete proof of her theories regarding the dead. She recounts the history, how the house was built in the early 1900’s by an occultist, who was similarly murdered. This teacher soon takes an interest in one of her students and offers him a ride home one night when she sees him walking in the rain. But he’s hesitant and instead of taking the ride warns her to drive safely. Shortly afterwards her tire blows out. When she does some investigating on him she finds out he experienced some psychic experience when he was a child, just as she had. Much to the dismay of her assistant, who has an interest in her, she invites her student to the old house to help with the study. This is when weird things start happening, such as more writing on the walls.

As supernatural events escalate and she becomes more involved with the guy and something is revealed that changes everything. It’s in this last third of the movie that things really heat up and some very bad things happen to the characters. I particularly liked the twist ending, which ties directly to the beginning of the movie.

I enjoyed this Clive Barker adaptation as much as I did The Midnight Meat Train.

The movie does start off slow but there’s a great payoff. Book of Blood is definitely one of the best horror flicks of 2009.

Book of Eli, The (2010)

While not exactly boring, this post-apocalyptic movie starring Denzel Washington is a slow-moving examination of a very determined survivor on a mission. It’s been 31 years since “The Burn”, when the last World War ripped holes in the ozone layer and the majority of the earth fried. Now, bands of humans survive in the barren wasteland and water is one of the most precious commodities. We first see Eli (Washington) walking across this barren landscape, then killing a group of marauders. Then he comes across a town run by Carnegie (Gary Oldman). Carnegie witnesses how well Eli can fight and wants him to stay in town but Eli declines the invitation. When Carnegie finds out that Eli possesses a copy of the bible, he wants it at all costs. All bibles were destroyed after the last war and he believes it can be used as a weapon, to control people. But by then Eli has escaped his prison and there’s an Old West style shoot-out in the streets during which Carnegie is shot in the leg. Eli resumes his walk to the West and is accompanied by Solara (Mila Kunis of American Psycho 2), a young woman who wants to escape that community. There’s the obligatory chase by Carnegie’s men, lots of explosions and more killings. And a “twist” ending that isn’t so big of a twist.

While the whole bible quoting aspect wasn’t too annoying I’m sure this will really appeal to all those Christians out there, giving them a warm fuzzy feeling that the bible survives the apocalypse. But I’d take After the Fall of New York or Mad Max over this movie any day.

Book of Lore (2007)

A guy’s girlfriend is horribly killed in his small urban legend filled town and he and his friends basically become The Hardy Boys investigating The Blair Witch. One of his buddies reveals that he has “The Book of Lore”, which details all of the local legends. And it just so happens that the girlfriend was killed in a very similar way as one of the stories, with her fingernails stuck in her eyeballs. There are a bunch of memorable, weird characters, including the asshole African American Sheriff who thinks our main character is a criminal, the creepy Jesus Lady and the freaky dude with the skull ring whose family runs the local funeral home. I particularly liked the black and white/grainy flashbacks when one of the local legends is being recounted.

Book of Lore is a well-written, well-shot, well-acted feature that’s extremely ambitious considering its non-Hollywood budget. If you want to see a good example of a recent “Do-it-Yourself” horror movie, here it is. Highly recommended. Directed by Chris LaMartina (President’s Day, Witch’s Brew)

Boot Hill Blind Dead: The Handsome Stranger (2003)

At a carnival a carnie tells the tale of a guy who travelled the Old West killing people-and that his skeletal body is on display inside his tent. Ron Ford is convincing as the carnival guy and the woman who is attacked by the reanimated corpse does an adequate job, though she virtually stands still in the same spot. Blocking, anyone? The title is not only longer than this short movie but it demonstrates filmmaking 101 at its most basic. In fact, this mini-movie is so odd it’s surreal.

Born of Fire (1983)

This odd movie begins with a strange depiction of a solar eclipse, with a huge skull blotting out the sun. This is intercut with the eruption of a volcano. A female astronomer (Susan Crowley) is disturbed by the solar activity she sees through her telescope and hears strange music. It draws her to the performance of flutist Paul Bergson (Peter Firth), who is giving a recital. As soon as she enters it seems as if he recognizes her—and he stops playing, after which he excuses himself that he’s not feeling well. Soon after he gets a phone call that his mother is doing poorly and rushes off to see her. The woman offers to give him a ride. Just before the old lady dies she whispers something to the girl..

After the funeral, he sees a strange looking bald man. On her drive home she sees the same man, who is now on her roof, looking in through her windshield. She crashes the car—and a vulture flies in through the broken window and lands on the seat. The bird actually resembles that bald guy. It turns out that the exploding volcano is happening in the same region of Turkey where Bergson’s father had visited, searching for “The Master Musician”. The woman tells him that in order to find out what happened to his father he must also find this Master. So he goes to Turkey. The changes in the sun are also affecting the earth and causing the volcano’s eruption. The entire Earth will be affected, so it’s implied that he not only has to find this mysterious man to solve the riddle of his past, he must confront him in order to save the whole planet. The Master Musician is a Djinn.

In Turkey, he meets a local who says that he’ll meet the Master, and is directed to stay in a cave-like abode. A small deformed man lives there. The woman shows up and she tells Bergson that she feels that she’s been here before, which makes sense since we see flashbacks of her in a previous life. But things end badly for her, especially when she gives birth to this giant pupae. Deep in a cave, Bergson confronts the master musician.

Born of Fire has beautiful locations, interesting editing and an eerie quality about it, like a Peter Weir film (The Last Wave, Picnic at Hanging Rock). It also deals with an underutilized creature—the Djinn. Hey, this is way better than the Wishmaster movies.

Boston Strangler, The  (1968)

This Hollywood movie is based on the case of the real Boston Strangler, who terrorized that city in the 60’s. At first old women are being found strangled in their apartments. Then, then much younger women, including an African American. The police are baffled and have no clues so what they do is round up and harass all the ‘sexual deviants’ they have on file, thinking that he must be a homosexual because he hates women. It’s not until halfway through the movie until we’re introduced to the culprit, portrayed by Tony Curtis. He’s married, has a family, and a job as a handyman. He’ll be doing a job-and then gets the urge to kill, picking his victims at random. It’s whoever is around that he sees at the moment. When he’s finally captured by police they hold him at a psychiatric hospital because he insists that he didn’t do the crimes, that he has no memory of them. The doctors and chief detective keep on questioning him and slowly he’s able to remember that he indeed do the killings, which sends him into a catatonic state. He has a split personality and the evil one did the slayings. The movie is interesting because it makes you sympathetic to the serial killer and in the end you feel sorry for the guy, even though he did all these horrific deeds.

Botched (2008)

A thief (Stephen Dorf, The Gate) is sent by the Russian mob to Moscow to steal a gold cross that once belonged to Ivan the Terrible. He’s able to get into the large building and take the item but getting out is a different matter. The elevator stops on an empty floor and they are stuck, along with “hostages”. Soon, people start dying and they are stalked by Ivan the Terrible’s demented descendants, who have the entire floor rigged up for their diabolical bloody games. The effects are gory and Dorf is always an entertaining actor to watch. This dark humored, highly entertaining flick is one of the best horror movies of 2008.

Bottom Feeder (2007)

Tom Sizemore headlines this man-in-a-monster-suit movie, in which he portrays a custodian who stumbles upon a government experiment in the depths of an abandoned hospital. It all starts when a horribly burned billionaire convinces a scientist to bring him his recent regeneration serum, which has not been tested on humans. He has his thugs inject it into the scientist but they neglect to leave him some bags of liquid protein, which he needs. Otherwise, whatever he eats he will take on its attributes. Unfortunately, because he’s locked in an underground passageway, this food happens to be rats - and he quickly transforms into a carnivorous man-rat, which Sizemore and his custodial crew encounter.

There’s the evil rich guy who gets what he deserves, the masochistic government operatives, the anti-hero who happens to have some handy skills for wiring bombs, and your usual stock characters, including a homeless guy, who simply add to the body count. Bottom Feeder is a good, old-fashioned monster movie but The Relic it is not.

Box, The (2009)

The first forty minutes or so pretty much sums up the Richard Matheson short story upon which this feature is based. In the 1970’s a couple, Norma and Arthur (Cameron Diaz and James Marsden), is given a strange box that has a button on it. They are then approached by a disfigured man (Frank Langella) who explains what they have to do or not do. If they push the button someone will die somewhere and they’ll get a million dollars. If they don’t push the button they don’t get the money. So I don’t think I’m spoiling the movie when I say that one of them pushes the button—after all, how were they going to get another 50 minutes out of this premise? But then the movie veers off into a surreal sci-fi flick with aliens, sort of like what The Forgotten did. And there are even people acting like pseudo-zombies. Sadly, this doesn’t work. I don’t know if director Richard Kelly thought he had to make it similar to his previous films (Donny Darko, Southland Tales) or what, but a straight psychological thriller would have worked far far better. Don’t rent this, keep the DVD in its box.

Boy Eats Girl (2005)

This is one of those movies where all of the teenagers appear as if they are in their mid-twenties, which seriously detracts from the movie. And although actress Samantha Mumba was good in The Time Machine remake, she’s badly miscast here as the love-interest of the zombie boy.

First, what I liked. The idea of the mother bringing back her son, Leon, from the dead is a twist. She’s is an art restorer and stumbles upon a hidden alcove of supernatural paraphernalia, which includes a spell for resurrecting the dead. When her son hangs himself, she brings him back, though he starts deteriorating. He also attacks the school bully, who becomes a flesh-craving zombie and starts attacking and changing the other students, until there’s a bunch of them. What I didn’t like was the rest of the movie.

Brain Dead (2010)

The newest film by Kevin Tenney (original Night of the Demons) begins with a meteor hurtling through space as the credits roll. Then it’s to two guys fishing. One of them sees the meteor burning up in the atmosphere and it’s coming right for them. But when it finally reaches him it goes right through his head, because it was so small. Unfortunately the space rock is carrying some black goo that’s alive and this reactivates his brain. He reanimates as a nasty looking zombie and then splits his friend’s head open with its bare hands. The guy’s brain plops out and then it picks it up and devours it. We then go to three different groups of people who soon meet up. The first are two criminals being transported in a police van. The evil one knocks out the officer and they escape into the nearby woods. Then it’s a preacher and a young woman he lusts after. And finally, two lesbian campers. They all converge at this cabin where the bad criminal keeps them all hostage. Then, when the zombies start showing up it’s the Night of the Living Dead scenario as they are killed off one by one. But rather than the zombie infection spreading via bite it’s the black amoeba-like parasite that causes the transformation.

I didn’t find this movie all that funny, though I did dig the gruesome and gooey special effects. The best actor in the entire movie is Michelle Tomlinson and I wish she had a bigger role. If I had to compare Brain Dead to another zombie movie it would be to Night of the Creeps.

Brain of Blood (1972)

Although this movie has recently been packaged together with the three blood island movies, it has nothing in common with those other than being produced by the same company, Hemisphere, having some of the same actors and the word “Blood” in the title. It was even shot in California, not Philippines.

The premise is that the brain of a Middle Eastern leader is transplanted into the body of a deformed man by a crazed scientist and goes berserk. Grant Williams (The Incredible Shrinking Man) portrays the “good” scientist and Kent Taylor is the mad scientist. There’s even a dwarf medical assistant (Angelo Rossito), who wants his brain transplanted into a normal body but the Taylor tells him he wouldn’t be able to trust him if he was in a normal-sized body.

Brain That Wouldn’t Die, The (1959)

It’s unfortunate that the brain wouldn’t die because that means we have to sit through an hour and a half of some of the most mind-numbing dialogue and stilted acting I’ve seen in a looonggg time. If the movie was amusing that would’ve been okay, that can work. Instead, it’s dead serious and, well, dead.

Brain Drainer (1998)

Mike Legge’s sci-fi feature comedy involves a talking meteorite that falls to earth (via some really cool digital effects by Lunatic Fringe Productions) to suck the brains from humans. Among them are some cops and a stereotypical senator, who absorbs the rock into his body after being treated with a potential cure from its dangers. Also on hand are an insane hypnotist and his partner, ‘the Spiderwoman’ who want the meteor so they can turn the human populace into mindless slaves they can control. As usual, Legge, who portrays the hypnotist, steals the show.

Brainstorm (1983)

Scientists Michael Brace (Christopher Walken) and Lillian Reynods (Louise Fletcher) are inventors of a device that can record and then play back the experiences of people.

On further experimentation it can also record memories and emotions. Walken uses the machine as a way of recording his memories into a “love letter” to his wife, Karen (Natalie Wood) thus bringing them back together. In fact, she’s the designer whose job it is is to make the device wearable, like a pair of headphones. Their boss is Alex Terson (Cliff Robertson), who sees dollars signs with this groundbreaking invention. He lets the government in on this and they begin the military applications of it, such as training fighter pilots. They also begin do bad things with it, like recording the experiences of the mentally ill people. What reason they do this for is later alluded to in the movie. Late one night, when Lillian has a heart attack, she has mind enough to hook herself up to the device and record her experience of dying. She leaves it for Michael but he only has a chance to see the beginning of it. When it puts him in the hospital his boss takes him off the project and moves it to another facility. But he’s determined to watch the recording to the end and has to go to great lengths to break in and retrieve it.

This is a very cool movie, I think the first to deal with “virtual” reality in any real way. Even though some things are antiquated, such as the computer reels and the way in which they have to physically splice the memory tape (this is before “digital media”), the story holds up quite well for being nearly 30 years old. I liked this movie when I saw it long ago and I still like it now.

Brave New World (1998)

Based on the novel by Aldous Huxley, is the tale of a modern world in which the elite citizens, called Alphas, strive for pleasure as the ultimate goal. A man and woman Alpha accidently crash their helicopter in a ‘reservation’, an area that still contains ‘savage’ humans, who live like they did before the new world order. A gang starts to attack them but they are rescued by a man named John Cooper. Cooper’s mother was impregnated by a border guard years ago-and it turns out he is half Alpha. The couple takes the savage and his mother back to civilization. The mother quickly becomes addicted to pleasure pills, which puts her in a constant state of euphoria. John Cooper is at first amazed by all the sights and sounds but soon comes to realize there is no substance. No one reads, no one reads history. And everyone is born artificially, in test tubes, having no father or mother. Cooper’s presence is covered by the media, who treats him like a novelty, up until the point where he escapes and is accidently killed. But he has affected the two people who had taken him in, making them realize that they haven’t been ‘feeling’ everything they were meant to-and brings them to the realization that they deeply care for one another. The woman finds out she is pregnant, a definite no-no in this society-and escapes to the reservation. She’s later joined by her companion, who chooses real emotions over the fake ones.

Breed, The (2001)

This is the perhaps the best vampire movie made in the last several years. In the near future vampires reveal themselves to humanity in hopes of peaceful co-existence but both sides are distrustful, particularly the humans, who live in this retro-fascist future. After his partner is killed by a rogue Nosferatu-ish vampire the human detective (Bokeem Woodbine) is paired up with a vampire detective (Adrian Paul) and together they have to stop the bloodthirsty maniac from ruining the peace. Vampires no longer need to drink human blood—they’ve come up with an artificial alternative. There’s a lot packed in to this movie—really interesting production design, the casting is right on and storyline that has everything from Jewish vampires to the end of the world. Highly recommended.

Breed, The (2007)

Two brothers, two girls and their token black friend decide to fly to an island house that their late uncle has willed to them. They had not been there in over twelve years. Unfortunately, the island was also the place where the Army was doing experiments on making dogs into weapons - and the dogs want to eat the group of friends. Again, it’s the Night of the Living Dead (or Attack of the Killer Shrews) scenario, this time with canines. THE BREED isn’t a bad movie - it’s just unnecessary.

Bride of Frank, The (1997)

Bride of Frank puts the meaning back in ‘Cult Movie’. Within the first five minutes, breaking that many cinematic and cultural taboos (and alienating 99% of the human population), this insanely funny, yet disturbing feature tells the story of Frank, an old homeless man who works at a shipping and trucking company in industrial New Jersey who kills and dismembers anyone who does him wrong. When an obnoxious man interrupts the birthday party that his employers are throwing him, Frank threatens to rip off the man’s head and shit down his neck if he doesn’t shut up. The man doesn’t comply and Frank honors his word—and the film unflinchingly shows the vile act! Definitely not for everyone, this movie will satisfy the most jaded moviegoer with something they’ve never seen before. Guaranteed!

Bride of the Gorilla (1951)

A dissatisfied plantation overseer (Raymond Burr) decides to kill his boss in order to take his young wife, who he is in love with. The feelings are mutual-but she has no idea what lengths he’ll go to to get her. An old witch woman in the town sees the murder he commits and puts a curse on him, a curse that will slowly turn him into an animal. Well, as soon as he marries the newly widowed woman he starts to transform. His hand changes first, into this gorilla hand. Then, he changes and we see a POV shot of him, running through the woods, finally stopping at to look at his reflection in a pond-and the reflection is that of a gorilla or other large ape. Much to the dismay of his new wife he spends more and more time in the jungle. Soon, farm animals start being killed and mutilated and traps are set to catch the creature doing it. In the end he and his wife are killed when he’s fired upon. The weird thing about this movie is why is he changing into a gorilla? You think that it would be one of the animals native to South America, not Africa. Maybe a jaguar or something. BRIDE OF THE GORILLA is basically a werewolf movie so if you like those you’ll like this.

Brides of Blood (1968)

This first in the Blood Island trilogy of Philippine shot horror movies is my favorite.

Dr. Paul Henderson (Kent Taylor) and his oversexed wife (Beverly Hills) go to a remote island in the Philippines to help the natives. Accompanying them is Jim Farrell (John Ashley), who is going to teach the islanders better architecture and irrigation for their crops. What they discover is that the islanders have reverted back to their ancestors’ ways, which means they are sacrificing women to their god. This is a horrible looking (well, it is a BIT cheesy) monster that rapes and then tears the females apart limb from limb. It’s caused from radiation from nearby bomb testing and has affected animals and even the trees. In several scenes the trees have these octopus-like appendages and grab people with them. On the island is Esteban Powers, who lives in a mansion and is assisted by a suspicious looking native. Esteban welcomes the group to stay in his home after the natives become less friendly, though there’s something suspicious about him as well. It’s no surprise when it turns out that he’s the one who turns into that monster. John Ashley falls for the native girl, Alma, and must save her from being sacrificed. Of course, he also has to destroy the monster. Directed by Eddie Romero and Gerardo De Leon. Aka Brides of Blood Island.

Brimstone (1989)

The premise of this television series is that after fifteen years in hell, a policeman named Ezekial Stone (Peter Horton) is allowed to return to Earth to do the Devil’s bidding— to recapture over a hundred evil souls who had escaped. The reason he went to hell is that he hunted down and killed the man who raped his wife. Of course, most of these bad guys brought back some type of supernatural power with them, whether spreading a plague or channeling electricity. The only way to kill them is to poke their eyes out, whether shooting them with a bullet or some sharp object. Stone begrudgingly does his job and the devil (John Glover) is on-hand to make his “life” more difficult. One of the best episodes is ASHES, in which he discovers that detective Ash (Teri Polo), who he’s had an attraction to for half a dozen episodes, turns out to be someone entirely different. In Helluva Life, a sort of Christmas Carol story, an angel appears and shows Stone that he’s doing good, while the devil says it’s inevitable that he’d be going to hell, regardless that he killed someone. In this episode he also finds out what happened to his wife and must try to stop her from being killed in a bank robbery.

One thing I thought was kind of stupid is that these escapees from Hell all go right back to where they left off....if they were a bank robber they’d rob a bank, a rapist, they’d rape, et cetera. I don’t know about you, but If I just escaped from Hell, especially after being there for hundreds or thousands of years, I’d keep a low profile and not go back to my mother’s house. My favorite thing about the series is that the Devil does this minor nuisances, such as loosening the top on a salt shaker, tying a sleeping homeless man’s shoes together, ripping out the last few pages of a novel. Also, Stone wakes up each morning with the same exact amount of money he had in his wallet, $36.27, something he quickly gets tired of. The television show Reaper has the same premise and is a lot better.

Broken, The (1989)

The movie begins with Gina (Lena Headey of Game of Thrones, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles) and her boyfriend attending the birthday of her father, who is an American who works at the U.S. Embassy there in London. Also there is her brother and his girlfriend. During their dinner a huge mirror falls off the wall and breaks, for no apparent reason.  Things start to get weird when she’s making a phone call and sees herself drive by, in her own car. She follows the car to a parking lot and follows the woman up to her apartment. Then, the next thing we see is that she’s upset and driving back in her car—and gets in a bad car accident. She recovers but has only fragments of memories. And she begins to think that her boyfriend really isn’t her boyfriend anymore, which may indeed to the case. Or is it because she has head trauma from the accident.

This is one creepy, suspenseful movie and one of the best movies on doppelgangers I have scene, though a very similar idea was explored a decade previously with J.D. Feigelson’s television movie, The Lake. Highly recommended.

Brood, The (1979)

Frank (Art Hindle of The Clonemaster) sees some bruises on his five year old daughter’s back and is concerned that his ex-wife, Nola (Samantha Eggar of Curtains) has beaten her just like her mother had beaten her. He goes to the clinic where she’s undergoing some experiment therapy called Psycho-plasmics but Dr. Raglan Oliver Reed) won’t let him see her. He says she’s undergoing intense therapy and can’t be disturbed. Well, she’s already disturbed. Then, people associated with Frank areo murdered, such as his in-laws. First, the mother is killed in her house by what looks like a child, then the husband when he comes in for the funeral. Finally, the daughter’s elementary school teacher since the wife views her as a threat. She, after all, wants her family back together. The daughter is taken by these strange creatures, which aren’t exactly human.

The father does some research on the doctor and finds some unhappy patients, one of whom is being eaten alive by lymphomic cancer. Another patient, recently kicked out of the clinic, tells of some disturbed children that his ex-wife is caring for. So he goes to the isolated facility and confronts the doctor. Now, the doctor is having second thoughts on his research and realizes he has screwed up. He explains that these are not children at all but manifestations of her rage and that she controls them. They have Frank’s daughter up in their loft. The doctor says he’ll go get the girl if Frank talks to his crazy wife and keeps her calm. But he’s repulsed by what he sees—and the weird creatures begin to awaken and attack.

I haven’t seen this movie in at least fifteen years and it holds up well over time. I always thought this was one of Cronenberg’s better movies.

Brotherhood of Blood (2008)

Carrie Rieger (Victoria Pratt of Daybreak, Mutant X) is a vampire huntress who has to make a deal with a head vampire, Pashek (Sid Haig) to defeat an even worse enemy. It’s sort of a low-budget Blade: Trinity. The best part of the movie is actor Ken Foree (original Dawn of the Dead) as Stanis, a vampire. Otherwise, this added nothing new to the vampire sub-genre.

Brotherhood of Satan (1970)

This is a creepy though somewhat ambiguous devil worshipper movie set in the Western United States. Ben, his blonde girlfriend Niki and his daughter Kiti are on vacation-and come across a crushed car and its dead occupants. They go to the nearby town to report this but everyone is acting very weird. In fact, many of the people try attacking them. They drive off-but on the outskirts of town they see a little girl standing in the middle of the road and they swerve to avoid her, damaging the car. When they get out there’s no trace of the girl. So, back to town they go. It seems that no one has been able to leave the village for the past three days-and over sixty people have been slaughtered in that time (the families of the missing children). It turns out that a coven of devil worshippers are taking the kids in order to perform a ceremony that will transplant their evil souls into their bodies. When Kiti is taken the whole town searches for her before it’s too late. Strother Martin (Sssss!) gives a great performance as Doc Duncan, who is also the evil leader of the Coven. This movie reminded me of Rosemary’s Baby and Race with the Devil. And any movie with Alvy Moore (Mr. Haney from Green Acres) in it can’t be bad.

Brothers Grimm, The (2005)

This disappointing of tale of fairy-tale mish-mash is director Terry Gilliam’s worst movie, have none of the entertainment of his previous fantasies (Baron Munchausen, Time Bandits). Matt Damon and Heath Ledger portray the brothers, who fake their exploits of battling witches and monsters in order to exploit the small towns they visit. They’re caught by the French-and are forced to investigate a town where these supernatural things are actually happening, much to the Brothers’ dismay. There are lots of special effects, one-liners that are utterly flat, and zero characterization. It is indeed a grim thing to watch.

Bubba Ho-Tep (2004)

This over-hyped movie is not nearly as good as I was led to believe. In fact, it’s kind of boring. The premise is that the real Elvis Presley is living in an old age home in the middle of nowhere Texas. He had switched places with an Elvis impersonator because he was getting tired of his own life-and after gyrating at one performance fell off the stage and landed in a coma for ten years. Also in the old age home is a man who thinks he’s J.F.K, only this guy is black. ‘They dyed me this color’, he insists. And, of course, there is the mummy who is sucking the life-forces out of the building’s residents. Elvis and J.F.K do some investigating and figure out that it’s a mummy that was stolen from a museum years ago. The thieves crashed their vehicle into a nearby river during a storm and the mummy was trapped underwater for years. Now that it has managed to escape it needs to prey on others to sustain itself. My biggest problem is that actor Bruce Campbell is totally miscast as Elvis Presley. I didn’t believe it for a minute. The worst Elvis impersonator I’ve ever seen is better than him! Most of the humor is the fifth grade kind, involving bodily orifices. For example, Elvis keeps on talking about this cancer he has growing on his penis, the mummy sucks the souls out of its victims through their assholes and even writes graffiti on the bathroom stalls! Maybe I didn’t like Bubba Ho-Tep because I’m not a big fan of Elvis. Maybe I didn’t like it because it starred Bruce (overrated) Campbell. Or maybe I just didn’t like it because it’s a disappointing, mediocre movie.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Season One (1997)

Soon after the events of the feature film (1992) starring Kristy Swanson in the title role, Buffy (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and her mother move to Sunnydale for a new beginning. But it’s not coincidence they are moving there, for the town sits on the Hellmouth. The “Master”, this nosteratu-like vampire, wants to return to the world and needs blood sacrifices, which he uses another vampire (Brian Thompson of Star Trek: Enterprise) to procure. We’re introduced to the cast of characters—Zander, who has a crush on Buffy from the get-go, the nerdy Willow and the stuck up Cordelia. And then there’s Giles, the new librarian who is also her new Watcher. Buffy tries out for the cheerleading team and it seems that there’s a witch in the school and they have to find out who it is. Things begin to heat up between Buffy and the mysterious Angel, and she discovers he’s a vampire—only a good one. Sunnydale is built over The Hellmouth, which attracts vampires and demons, so this will keep Buffy and company busy the next seven years. The primary villain is “The Master”, a bald-batlike vampire. One episode has Giles uncovering a prophecy that The Master will, in fact, kill Buffy. Another episode has a group of high schoolers being possessed by the spirit of a hyena in “The Pack”. Other episodes involve weird nightmares and an evil ventriloquist dummy. While this first season (12 episodes) of Buffy was interesting to re-watch, it is the weakest of the series

Bug (1974)

A small desert community is shaken by an earthquake and a large crevice opens up near a farm, from which come these ancient species of cockroach. These roaches are able to make fire. They make cars explode by crawling up the exhaust vents and set people on fire. Then they eat the carbon. A local college professor (Bradford Dillman) goes to investigate after a former student tells him about the creatures and discovers that they are slowly dying of “the bends”, as they came from deep beneath the Earth’s surface and can’t adapt to sea level atmosphere. After his wife is killed by the bugs he goes crazy and is determined to keep them alive. He finds one of the last surviving roaches, builds a miniature pressure chamber, and puts it together with a common, household cockroach. They mate and the offspring are much more mobile - and carnivorous. The will only eat raw meat. The professor is more surprised when he wakes up one morning and sees that they escaped from their cage - and start spelling words on the wall...

This is a faithful adaptation of the book by Thomas Page (The Hephaestus Plague), who also co-wrote the script.

BUG (2007)

Bug is one of those movies, like Edmond, which is an extremely depressing and disturbing character study of someone - in this case two people - falling into the abyss. Ashley Judd portrays Agnes, a woman whose life really sucks. Her kid was kidnapped years before and her wife-beating ex-husband (Harry Connick Jr) was just released out of prison. She drinks to make it all blur away. Then she’s introduced by a friend to Peter, a shy guy who seems all too normal. He hangs out with her and her friend, then ends up staying the night on her floor because he has no place to go. Agnes starts liking him - and trusting him - but that is a dire mistake. He’s nuts. He believes that there are bugs in his bloodstream, genetically created bugs that the Army put in him as an experiment. And he convinces Agnes that this is all true. Is he crazy? Or does what he say has some truth to it?

Bug is not a pleasant movie but it’s not supposed to be. It’s good to be prepared ahead of time before you watch it. Directed by William Friedkin (The Exorcist), who also gives a lengthy and interesting interview about filmmaking on the DVD Extras.

Bugs (2003)

This movie started off well, with an entire trainload of people getting torn up and eaten by these huge prehistoric bugs. The train pulls into the station, the doors open, and out comes all this blood, like with the elevator scene in The Shining. But then everything goes downhill, into bad acting and predictability. Angie Everhart (former model) is a scientist who is recruited by an FBI agent (Antonio Sabato Jr.) to investigate the slayings-and she comes up with the theory that the insects have been hibernating for 65 million years, like freeze-dried sea monkeys. Of course, this is all speculation. The head honcho who built the subway system to begin with tries to cover everything up, as to not jeopardize his investment. He gets killed because he’s the bad guy. In order to defeat the swarm of giant insects Everhart comes to the conclusion that they have to kill the queen in order to kill them all. Why is there always a Queen insect? Is it because of Aliens? As I said, other than the first fifteen minutes this movie really bugged me.

Bunker, The (2004)

A group of German soldiers, fleeing for safety at the Belgian/German border, take refuge in an old Bunker. Inside the Bunker is an old man and a young soldier, who seem very reluctant to let the other soldiers in. Beneath the Bunker is a series of tunnels which were built to store munitions-and the soldiers think they may lead to a back way out. But the old man warns them not to go down there, that it’s dangerous because the tunnels were unstable and never finished. He also tells them a story about how the townsfolk of the nearby town, in the Middle Ages, had executed many innocent people and threw their bodies down a pit. Later on it turns out that the tunnels under the Bunker intersect this pit-and the many hundreds of dried out corpses are sticking out of the walls. The seven German soldiers, however, are keeping a secret amongst themselves and are extremely on edge throughout the film. The viewer is shown brief flashbacks as to what they are guilty about—and it’s not until the end that it all makes sense of what’s going on. The only thing that irritated me was that all the German soldiers have English accents, which made it very confusing the first ten minutes of the film. If I hadn’t read the back of the DVD jacket I wouldn’t have realized that they were supposed to be Germans. The Bunker is much more a psychological horror story than a ghost story, though it does have those elements, and I found it very similar in tone to another MTI release, Urban Ghost Story. It’s a good movie-I just didn’t expect the subtlety.

Bureau of Alien Detectors (1996)

This animated series is along the lines of Men in Black crossed with GI Joe and X-Files, so it’s a weird mash-up of some familiar ideas. It turns out that Earth is constantly being invaded by different alien species so it’s up to the Burea of Alien Detectors to deal with them. In “The Hunt”, they must find an alien who was kidnapped from her cryogenic freezer. She looks like she’s made of ice while the bad aliens have totem-pole stacked heads with a lot of teeth. In “Hothouse” a scientist is growing huge crops in a jungle, only there’s some type of creature that devours his assistant. It turns out that some of this vegetable is alien, given as a gift by aliens. B.A.D. has eight hours to rescue any survivors after which time the area will be neutralized. Strange, starfish shaped creatures spew gunk which forms a bubble around the area, which makes this all somewhat difficult. In “Encounter”, six shadow-like aliens crash land and they take over the bodies at a local sheriff’s office. The team is assisted by a young boy whose Aunt was also taken over. In “Deep Freeze”, bat-like aliens place a bunch of humans in suspended animation. But this has a side-effect, reversing their age. They find a red-headed human baby which has the birthmark of an agent who disappeared weeks ago, much to the dismay of female agent Casey Taylor, who is his girlfriend. In “Curse of the Tassim” ancient Egyptians gods turn out to be electrical aliens. And when they are looking for a lost agent in the Bermuda Triangle the leader of the group, Commander Packer, is stranded on an island run by aliens. It also looks like the lost agent is working with them, though it actually turns out to be the guy’s evil twin. Yes, evil twin.

This is a decent cartoon with interesting enough stories at a breakneck page. It also has an odd group of characters, such as Moose Trengganu, who was abducted by aliens and has weird shape-changing abilities, and Casey Taylor, who is psychic.

Buried Alive (2007)

Buried Alive is one of the more entertaining horror movies I’ve seen this year, though has the all too familiar premise of a group of college-age adults going to an isolated house and getting picked off one by one. It’s primarily worth checking out just to see Tobin Bell as the Lester character, who is utterly hilarious and a million miles away from anything that will remind you of Jigsaw from the Saw movies.

The story concerns a hidden cache of gold, which one of the characters wants to uncoverâ€”and he thinks it’s under the old family house out in the desert, perhaps buried with the body of his great-great grandfather’s first wife. As the legend goes, she was buried alive because she could not be killed. She reappears in the present as a horrid looking old-lady ghost. Although the movie doesn’t feature a ton of special effects, it does have some doozies from director Robert Kurtzman, such as with one of the characters being bisected in half and another getting his face sliced off. Recommended.

Burn, Witch, Burn (1962)

Based on the Fritz Leiber novel, Conjure Wife, with a screenplay by Richard Matheson and Charles Beaumont (two of the best writers on the original Twilight Zone), this is about a college professor who uncovers the fact that his wife is a witch. His whole career is based on debunking superstition and this revelation comes as quite a surprise. He finds magical paraphernalia hidden about his house-and when he confronts her with the mound of trinkets she explains that it’s all to protect him-and that there are evil forces out to get him. The next day his world starts to collapse-a female student accuses him of raping her, her jealous boyfriend pulls a gun on him and he’s viewed disfavorably by the other faculty. SomeTHING is truly out to get him. His wife panics and casts a spell of trading her life for his-but he realizes what she’s up to and stops her in time. In a very creepy sequence the stone eagle overhanging a building entrance comes to life and chases him. Burn, Witch, Burn has the same feeling as Curse of the Demon, conveying a sense of paranoia of evil forces out to do harm. It’s also one of the best witchcraft themed movies you will see.

Burning Bright (2010)

A young woman, Kelly Taylor (Briana Evigan), is all set to go to college on her scholarship, which comes to a grinding halt when she discovers her evil stepfather (Garrett Dillahunt of The Road, Last House on the Left remake) has taken out all of her money from the bank. Now, she has to look after her autistic little brother, Tommy, because she no longer is able to pay a special school to care for him while she’s in school. Furious, she goes back to her stepdad’s place and we find out he’s starting up a Safari. In fact, in the opening scene he purchases a starved tiger from a circus. There’s also a hurricane in the area, so the house in boarded up. When Kelly wakes up she discovers that she and her brother have been boarded into the house—and that someone set the tiger loose inside. So the majority of the movie is them trying to hide from the hungry beast. The movie is extremely suspenseful and the scenes with the tiger totally believable. One of the most harrowing scenes is when she’s trying to recover her cell phone from the basement and hides up in a laundry shoot when the cat appears. I was honestly surprised how good this movie is. Highly recommended.

Burning Zone, The (1996)

Jeffery Dean Morgan, who would battle SUPERNATURAL forces twenty-years later, stars as Dr. Edward Marcase, who is recruited to head a special biological task force that investigates weird diseases. He’s joined with Dr. Kimberly Shiroma (Tamlyn Tomita) and their bodyguard Agent Michael Haley (James Black). In the first episode, which is among the best of the entire series, they deal with an intelligent virus that’s been let out of its prison after 15,000 years. It takes over an archeologist, who it more or less turns into a type of vampire. They discover that a worldwide flood had wiped out the virus before, because of a bacteria found in the ocean. And they use this same bacteria to defeat it again. There is also a supernatural/spiritual element, as the virus is depicted as a demon and there’s the appearance of a Christ-like figure.

Dr. Daniel Cassian (Michael Harris) joins the cast, as their new boss, in the second episode, and he comes across as a difficult hard ass. He looks very much like Bob Eubanks from The Dating Game show and I kept on waiting for him to say the word “Whoopee”.

The third episode, however, the stories start to get silly. Rene Aurberjonois (Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) appears as the devil who disrupts a St. Michael’s day festival each year. Then, in another episode that involves spontaneous human combustion the Jesus dude that appeared in the first episode makes another glowing appearance. In another episode Marcase even dies and visits hell, though the demons can’t touch him because he’s such a good guy. By now the show is extremely hokey.

However, in episode 11, the two main characters of Marcase and Shiroma are ditched (or they quit because the show was sucking) and Dr. Brian Taft (Bradford Tatum) is introduced. He is a much more interesting character than those two combined. Also, Cassian becomes much more hands on rather than just an advisor to the group. The producers even try to make him more “human” by giving him an ex-wife and a daughter. The story lines are also much more plausible in nature, no more of this “diseases are evil” scenario. Instead, they introduce a “real” threat, in the last few episodes, in the form of an Army splinter group who uses terrorism to get their point across. My favorite episode is the one in which people are contracting severe osteoporosis so that their bones break while doing such activities as jogging, with the jagged bone shards sticking through their flesh. It made me cringe. It’s too bad this show was cancelled after 19 episodes. It was just starting to shape up.

Burrowers, The (2009)

In 1879 in the Old West a family of setters disappears under mysterious circumstances. It looks as if they were attacked but there are no bodies. Of course the community thinks it’s Indians, so a group if formed to hunt them down. This party consists of Indian fighters Will Parcher and John Clay, a ranch hand who was engaged to a girl from that family and a teenager who wants to prove himself to his father. On the way they pick up a few more members, including a thief and an ex-slave.

Out on the prairie they discover that it’s not Indians—or anything human at all that has been taking people. It’s these creature that live underground that feed on human flesh. They inject a paralyzing toxin into the person and then bury them, to come back later and finish them off. These monsters are realized quite well and at times I felt I was watching some bizarre animal on the Discovery Channel. This is up there with The Descent, for weird, believable horror. This is up there with Dead Birds as a horror Western.

Butcher House (2006)

Butcher House is a well produced, effectively creepy horror movie that’s best described as Friday the 13th meets Saw.

In the mid 1960’s at Kingston Butchery a worker by the name of Sam Gaines becomes possessed by an ancient Aztec spirit and kills a slew of his co-workers, including two of the owner’s sons. The owner, Arthur Kingston, immediately closes the building. He does this because he has sealed the insane killer in a hidden room down in the basement. Forty years later the building is sold to a guy named Stan Williams, who intends to convert the place into condos. He sends his son Tyler, and five of his son’s friends, to inventory the place and see what’s still there that needs to be moved out. Of course, one of the teenagers inadvertently unleashes the evil spirit of The Butcher, who starts slaying them one by one. James Kingston, the surviving son of Arthur, finds out that the building has been sold and tries to warn the new owner, who thinks he’s crazy. So he goes to the building and finds himself in the midst of the supernatural violence.

There are a few plot-holes and unexplained things, such as if there is no electricity in the building (they have to find the electric box at the beginning of the movie to turn on the lights) then how does the electric powered elevator still work? And what happened to the ancient Aztec spirit? It’s shown at the beginning and briefly mentioned later, but then is forgotten, as the focus is on The Butcher himself. The director (who also co-scripted) should have either elaborated on this aspect or eliminated it entirely, as it was in the back of my mind the entire time I was watching the film.

The things I liked best about Butcher House are the the ways in which the killer gets his victims and how the location itself is a major “character”. The victims become marked with a strange sign on their hand, then are able to see him while the others can’t. For example, when he kills one of them we see him doing the act but the others simply see this invisible force throwing around their friend. The editing makes this quite effective. The Butcher can also possess his victims and make them go after the others, which is another great twist. As I was watching the movie it reminded me of the Night of the Demons flicks, as it has that similar depressing, “There is no escape” feel to it. I was also impressed at how much the set/location added to the movie, particularly the dankness and the effective use of those smoke machines. It’s also amazing how much those HD cameras make the movie appear as if shot in 35mm. Butcher House, although reminiscent of at least a dozen other slasher movies, does present some original ideas and presents a truly nasty villain. Recommended. Directed by Christopher Hutson

Butterfly Effect, The (2004)

This movie made me see how miscast Ashton Kutcher has been in most all of his previous movies, as he’s extremely good in this dramatic role as a guy who can send his mind back into the past and thus change the future. The first part of the movie deals with how he’s had ‘blank’ periods in his life he can’t remember, periods which were crucial moments in both his and his friends’ development. But as he starts remembering he also gets the ability to go back to those same turning points, via his mind, and change the outcome. Yet each time he changes things around the worse things get in one way or the other.The movie is a good time-travel flick, though it’s also one of the most depressing movies I’ve seen in a long while. Some of the things that happen to the characters are just awful-and there’s scenes involving a dog being set on fire, a baby caught in an explosion, and kiddie porn-that just makes your stomach churn. Although there’s quite a bit of non-linear storytelling, in the end everything ties together in a satisfactory conclusion. It’s one of the movies where you leave, with a sigh of relief, saying ‘thank God that wasn’t me.’

Butterfly Effect 2, The (2006)

After his girlfriend (Smallville’s Erica Durance) is killed in a car accident (along with two of his friends), Nick (Eric Lively) discovers that he has the ability to change his reality. In the first movie Ashton Kutcher did this by reading his diary-in this sequel he accomplishes this by concentrating on photographs.. The film also ties into the previous one in that it’s revealed that he has the same father (but different family) as the Kutcher character. But, alas, the more he tries to change things the worse he makes them, until he comes to the realization that the best thing he can do is to leave his girlfriend alone. Although BE2 is not as intense as the first movie, this time-travel/reality changing flick is decent enough.

Butterfly Effect 3: Revelation, The (2009)

The only thing this has in common with the first two movies is that the main character time-travels in the same manner. If he goes back ten years, then he’s in that body from ten years ago. However, he has a slightly different problem then just messing around with time. He’s after a serial killer.

The movie starts off in Detroit, with Sam Reid making money by being a “psychic” for the police. He goes back in time to witness murders, then identifies to the police who the murderer is. This money helps him pay his sister’s (Rachel Miner) rent, as she’s this sort of shut-in with psychological problems stemming from a fire in which their parents were killed. He won’t talk about the incident. But then a woman named Elizabeth Brown comes to visit Sam, and reminds him about the death of his girlfriend ten years earlier. The supposed killer is going to be executed but she insists the guy didn’t do it—and that the killer is still out there. Sam, unwisely, decides to go back in time to see if this is true, but only manages to get Elizabeth killed as well. And each time he goes back in time the body count of the “Pontiac Killer” grows. Somehow he’s created a serial killer—but who is it?

This is a decent time-travel movie and has some nasty killings. Also, it’s one of the first times I’ve seen the Detroit area accurately portrayed in a movie. This was actually shot in Detroit.

“C” Titles

Cabin by the Lake (2001)

This extremely entertaining USA Network movie features actor Judd Nelson as a horror screenwriter who has snapped—and starts killing young women for research in his new script. After he kidnaps them he keeps them alive in a hidden room in his cabin, studying their terror and frustration—and then drowns them in the nearby lake by tying a cement block to their legs and dropping them off the side. But that’s not all—he goes down under water and arranges the women in his garden of corpses. The special effects are good and Nelson’s performance quirky enough to keep your interest.

Cabin Fever (2003)

There was a lot of hype about this movie before it hit theatres, all saying that it was one of the best horror movies of 2003, that it was scary and disturbing. Well, it’s a HUGE disappointment, just another formula movie. A group of college students go on a trip to a cabin for a week. There’s the ‘cool guy’ ‘the nerd’ and ‘the thug’ along with two babes who wouldn’t be with any of these guys. They encounter weird redneck characters at the rural grocery store and then a guy near their cabin, who has somehow contracted a rapid flesh-eating virus. Well, they kill him, he contaminates the drinking water and one by one they start to die off. But there’s no suspense whatsoever, and no feeling of dread. The characters are so unlikeable that you don’t give a crap when they start melting away. And the ending is blatantly stolen from Night of the Living Dead, with the survivor getting shot by those dang rednecks. NOT a recommendation.

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2010)

I didn’t like the first movie at all so it was with a bit of trepidation I began to watch this direct-to-dvd sequel. It begins with a guy contaminated by the flesh eating bacteria, coming out of the river and running through a forest, dropping bits of flesh all over the place like The Incredible Melting Man. Of course, he runs out onto a road and gets hit head on by a school bus and splatters like a huge water balloon. The stoned cop that shows up tells the bus driver he hit a moose and not to worry. But after the bus takes off he finds the guy’s foot in a tree. Then, we go to the animated titles, which show how bottles of contaminated water are distributed throughout the town—and to the high school, which is having its prom that very night. The animation is sort of like Yellow Submarine and it accomplishes that unsettling effect of having a bright cartoon depict a dark subject.

The main story revolves around two buddies, neither who have high hopes of going to the dance that evening. But one of them befriends a crying slut and gets a BJ in the bathroom and he asks her out. She says she might go if she’s not working (she’s a stripper). The other friend is pining for the blonde girl, who just broke up with her asshole boyfriend. He gets the courage to ask her out but she declines. Both guys end up going to the dance, after all, and the blonde decided to show up—though she’s reunited with her old boyfriend.

What I like best about this movie is the sense of humor, which stems from the absurdity of the situations. It has some really funny dialogue as well. In one scene, in which the cop is investigating the water company, the night guard thinks he’s being busted for having sex with an underage girl and says “She told me she was 18. I always believe what children tell me”. There’s also plenty of grossness and the most blood I’ve seen in a horror movie in years. There’s the infected janitor peeing bloody urine into the red punch bowl, a flesh dissolving penis (I could have done without that), plenty of projectile blood vomiting and a restroom floor miscarriage. The one thing that unnerved me the most though, was when the guy was gluing his fingernail back on with superglue...

I really enjoyed director Ti West’s House of the Devil and again he proves that he has that knack for capturing that 70’s and 80’s vibe. I also like that it ended with another animated sequence that opens the series wide up to almost anything, as the disease is spread across the country in various ways. This could be the beginning of a decent string of Cabin Fever films....

Cabin in the Woods (2011)

Five twenty-something year old friends decide to go on a trip to a secluded cabin. They fit all the stereotypes for a slasher movie. There’s “the Jock (Chris Hemsworth),” “the slut”, “the brain”, “the joker” and the version. In the first half hour this all plays out like a classic Friday the 13th movie, complete with the group being warned by a crazy old man that there’s something bad near the cabin. What makes all this interesting is that events are being manipulated by two guys who are in some type of underground facility.

When a few members of the group go down into the basement of the cabin they uncover a bunch of weird stuff, including a device that looks like the box from the Hellraiser movies. Instead, one of the characters reads from a diary, which has a spell in

Latin within. Of course, she reads it and resurrects the redneck zombie family that’s buried nearby. They have an assortment of weapons, which includes a bear trap that the zombie uses like a “Flying Guillotine”. Are these zombies real or are they some type of robot, like in West World? And why are these vacationers being led to the slaughter and why is there an facility that’s watching their every move and trying to manipulate their actions? This all becomes clearer in the last half hour—and the answer is not a disappointment. Cabin in the Woods is a brilliant, genre combining horror film.

Cabinet of Caligari, The (1962)

This is a really strange psychological thriller, scripted by Robert Bloch (Psycho). A young woman named Jane (Glynnis Johns) goes for help after her car breaks down and ends up being kept prisoner by a strange, threatening doctor who resides there. There is also a group of odd people who are also in the house - and only one of them she trusts, an old, fatherly man named Paul (Dan O’Herlihy (Halloween 3). But he may not be exactly what he seems. As the movie progresses Jane becomes more threatened by the sinister Dr. Caligari, until she finds herself in this surreal nightmare world in which may end up killing herself to finally escape. As a viewer I had a sense of what was really going on and the ending is very clever, though the majority of the movie is not a pleasant experience, which I suppose is also the point of it all.

Call of the Hunter (2010)

A documentary film crew is continuing the project of a woman named Caroline, who recently died. It’s about the legendary figure of Hern the Hunter who is said to haunt Windsor Forest. We learn that Caroline was murdered at the very house the crew is staying at. Her head was put on a spike, her body found weeks later in the roots of an old oak tree in the middle of the ancient forest. Ralph, Caroline’s brother, is miffed that his sister left the house to her lesbian lover, Gabrielle, and this somewhat taints the shoot at the beginning of the movie. Then, weird things start happening...

Ralph tells, via a flashback, of how he first heard of Hern, in the 1960’s when his cousin visited. He and his sister found an old hunting horn, the cousin blew into it and called forth Herne. Terrified, the cousin ran off into the woods, never to be seen again. Long ago Hern was King Richard’s game keeper and was wrongly put to death. Now, he still haunts the area. In the house one guy falls down the stairs, then a woman named Natasha wakes up, saying that someone touched her in her room. The documentary’s producer, Max, shows up and wants to kill the sound guy who had slept with his wife. Max chases him through the woods but he gets away. Then, Max is found hanging, dead, in a tree, antlers affixed to his head. When they go to cut him down soon after he’s gone. This is an extremely well-done independent horror film with a solid script and cast. Some of the effects scenes are great, such as when a woman is dragged off into the forest by invisible dogs—and when they find a scarecrow that isn’t exactly a regular scarecrow. Call of the Hunter would make an intriguing franchise, as it has a strong supernatural character at its center. If you’re tired of seeing mediocre indy horror then make sure to check this movie out—it will reaffirm your faith in independent productions. Directed by Anthony Straeger

Calling, The (2002)

In the vein of The Omen, this movie is fairly predictable until the last half hour, when it manages to both surprise you and elevate the movie above being a RoseMary’s Baby clone. A virginal woman is impregnated on her wedding night—and not by her husband. Her kid grows up and he’s a bit strange, particularly in the way that he likes to kill animals and how he can talk backwards. The woman’s husband, a sociopath, seems to be the boy’s guardian. A mysterious man tells her what is going on—and that she must kill her son in order to stop the coming apocalypse. But is he who he says he is? Or is something else going on? A recommended satan child movie.

Camel Spiders (2012)

In the Middle East a group of American soldiers are fighting the enemy and are attacked by these huge spider-like creatures that emerge, in a pack, from the rocky crevices. One of the smaller ones hitches a ride on a corpse and is shipped back to the States (does anyone remember Arachnophobia?), where it escapes and starts reproducing in the desert and an alarming rate.  Lots of people are gorily killed with lots of CGI bloodletting.  There’s also lots of generic characters we don’t care about, including star Brian Krause (Sleepwalkers) and C. Thomas Howell (The Hitcher, Amazing Spiderman).

The selling point for this movie is that this is based on “actual creatures that for years have tormented the United States armed forces in the Middle East”. Yes, there are such real things as camel spiders, but they’re not giant man-eating arachnids that are poisonous and grow incredibly fast and attack in packs. What the real “Camel Spiders” are are Solifugids, which are in the class Arachnida (as are scorpions and spiders). I used to have a six-inch one as a “pet” and it was one of the weirdest and ugliest things I’ve ever seen (and it has big jaws, so it can give a nasty bite!). Actually, the real-life creatures look much better than the ones in this movie, which simply resemble giant spiders, no different than any other giant spider movie. Directed by Jim Wynorski.

Camelot (2011)

The pilot for this new Starz series is as different from Merlin as you can get. The premise is that King Uther is killed by his daughter, Morgan (Eva Green of The Golden Compass), because she wants the throne. She disguises herself by transforming her appearance into a serving girl and putting poison in his drink. But he has a son, Arthur, that Merlin finds. He had been given up as a baby and raised by peasants. Merlin brings him Camelot, which is actually the ruin of an old Roman built fortress and tells him that he must stand up to Morgan and her ally, King Lot (James Purefoy of Rome), though he’s basically scared shitless.

I found this pilot a disappointment for a few reasons. First, Jamie Campbell Bower is a weak Arthur, far too effeminate. Evan Green is a brute compared to golden boy here. And Joseph Fiennes is miscast as the shaven headed Merlin. It just doesn’t work. The worst thing of all is that the kingdom is this run down place and everything is so dire and gloomy. At least with period shows like Rome there was some entertainment and you rooted for the characters. Here I was fine just shutting off the television.

Campus Corpse, The (1977)

A college freshman, Jeff East, tries out for a fraternity but one of their hazings gets out of control. When he and another pledge (Charlie Martin Smith) are out in the freezing mountains, wearing only their underwear, his friend falls off a ledge and breaks his leg. Unable to move him, East must go for help-but it’s too late. When the frat boys return they find the guy frozen as a turkey. The fraternity convinces him that the best thing to do is pretend the whole incident didn’t happen or else they’d all get in trouble with the police. So, for a week he does everything he can to make it seem like the dead guy is still attending classes and submitting papers, not to mention trying not to freak out from all the pressure of this unpleasant situation. To steer the blame away from the Delta Frat they dress the corpse up in a ski outfit and drop him off at the bottom of a ski slope, a seeming victim of an accident. When the funeral happens and everyone is lining up for the final viewing the dead pledge opens his eyes and rises slowly, like a zombie, while the other guy’s eyes keep getting larger. He dead man finally speaks-’Welcome to the Deltas!’. It was all a fraternity Joke. Also known as The Hazing.

Candy Stripers (2007)

In the same vein as Decoys, so there’s no plot to discuss, other than it’s about slug-like aliens who take over the bodies of several Candy Stripers in a hospital, who cocoon their prey. And the women aren’t even that hot looking?

Cannibal Apocalypse (1980)

In Vietnam, John Saxon saves his prisoner of war buddies, who he discovers were eating human flesh to stay alive. Years later, Saxon is trying to readjust to living as a civilian, and gets a call from one of those guys, who is recently released from the mental institution. He blows him off and the guy then goes crazy at a grocery store. He sees this on the news and goes there, hoping to talk his friend into giving himself up.

However, it turns out that Saxon’s Vietnam buddies are spreading some kind of rapid acting rabies disease that makes them want to consume human flesh. It’s a bit like Cronenberg’s Rabid, only goofier. This has everything you want in an Italian horror movie starring an American actor.

Cannibal Vampire Schoolgirls from Outer Space (1998)

This is an odd movie. On one hand it’s like one of E.I. Cinema’s sexploitation movies...without the sex. On the other hand, it’s watchable. Basically, it’s about six sisters from the planet Vamptar who take over the bodies of some sorority girls and start draining the local populace. The acting and direction are good but I wish it took it’s a little more seriously as I don’t think it went far enough in the ‘spoof’ direction. Written, Directed and Produced by William Cayton, Jr. I look forward to seeing what he does next.

Canyon, The  (2009)

A newly married couple, who just got hitched in Vegas, decide to take their honeymoon trip to the Grand Canyon. This is Lori (Yvonne Strahovski of the tv series Chuck) and Nick (Eion Baley) But once they get there they find out that they needed to get a permit months before, to go down to the bottom. However, while they are getting drinks in the local bar, Henry (Will Patton), offers his services. He tells them he has the gear, the mules and can get a permit. Lori is reluctant because Henry looks like a bum, but her husband convinces her to go. Everything is fine at first. Then, one their way to some ancient cliff drawings, Henry is bitten by a diamond back rattlesnake and breaks his arm when his horse throws him. The other mounts are also spooked and run away, so that the trio are left without supplies. Now, they are in a very dry section of the canyon with a very sick guide. Henry downplays his injuries but he knows his number is up. After he dies and they bury him under some rocks, the couple try to find their way back out but become hopelessly lost. At night they make a fire—and while Lori is sleeping Nick sees one of the wolves they’ve heard howling. He doesn’t mention this at all in the morning because he doesn’t want to scare her. When they come to a dead end and face a rock cliff, Nick things they can climb it so they can at least get cell-phone reception. Lori is reluctant but after Nick tries and it seems doable, she follows him up. However, he loses his grip and falls straight down, wedging his foot in some rocks below. He’s stuck and the leg is horribly broken. The only way to free him is to cut off that part of his leg—but is this something Lori can do?

The Canyon is a well-crafted, suspenseful film that is entirely plausible. I also didn’t have a problem with the pack of starving wolves wanting to eat them—it makes total sense. Here’s this injured, bleeding guy right in front of them in this desolate area and it’s like an open buffet. And they actually used real wolves for all the attack scenes, which was very cool and added realism that computer animation can’t compete with.

Watch  this if you’re a fan of Strahovski—she gives quite a different performance than in Chuck. Or watch this if you just want to see a good movie.

Cape, The (2010)

Vince Faraday is an honest cop in Palm City who is retiring. A.R.K. is a private company that is taking over the police force and they want Vince to work for them. But the guy in charge of Ark is really a villain by the name of Chess. Vince discovers that the guy is smuggling explosives in children’s toys and is captured. Instead of killing him they dress him up in Chess’ costume and have the Ark force pursue him, which is all recorded by the local news. It looks like Vince dies in an explosion but he survives and takes refuge in the sewer tunnels. He eventually ends up at a strange circus, “The Carnival of Crime” and is captured by their leader, Max Malini (Keith David of They Live). He’s an illusionist. Having watched television they believe Faraday to be Chess and demand money for his release. He tells them they are mistaken and it’s a while before they believe him. In fact, he gives them an Ark card-key which will open the doors of all the banks they guard. So Malini and his gang begin robbing those banks. But Faraday wants to do something more to mess up Ark’s leader. An idea is sparked when he comes across an old cape that Malini owns. Vince will take up the mantle of his son’s favorite comic-book superhero, “The Cape”, and fight crime. Max trains him so that he’s able to perform every illusion there is that involves a cape. This includes disappearing in a puff of smoke to grabbing things with it, like knives and guns. We’re also introduced to Orwell (Summer Glau of The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Dollhouse), a mysterious blogger who uncovers police corruption. She agrees to help The Cape in his mission to bring down the real Chess. In the second episode there’s another villain named Scales (Vinnie Jones of The Bleeding), who is, of course, covered in reptile-like scales. The third episode begins with a Russian prisoner escaping after twenty years locked up. He shows up at Max’s circus and demands his cape back. This is the very same cape Vince has now adopted. We find out the whole reason Max gave Faraday the cape to begin with is that it has a bad history associated with it and he hoped this would be the beginning of something new and better for its legacy.

As a blatant superhero show this is somewhat lackluster. I only lasted three out of the ten episodes. I found the whole interaction with Vince and his ten-year-old son irritating, especially with the son not recognizing that this mysterious guy in the cape who visits him every night and talks to him is his father. It’s just dumb.

Caprica (2009)

This prequel to the re-envisioned Battlestar Galactica had lot to live up to, considering how good BSG was. And Caprica is every bit as good as that amazing series. Unbelievable. Chronologically, it is 54 years before the final Cylon War.

We’re introduced to teenaged Zoe and her friends, who secretly belong to a monotheistic cult in a society that worships many different gods. The friends plan to flee to one of the different planets in the colonies and board a shuttle—but one of the girls chickens out and stays behind. This is good for her because one of her friends has a bomb strapped to himself—and he explodes it soon after, killing everyone on the train. Zoe is killed as well as the wife and daughter of lawyer Adams.

The story focuses on two very different families. The first is Zoe’s father, wealthy inventor Daniel Graystone (Eric Stoltz) and his wife. The other is Joseph Adams (Esai Morales) and his ten year old son, Willy (who will grow up to be William Adama).

Graystone discovers that his brilliant daughter managed to download her personality in a virtual reality program and he becomes obsessed with this. He’s determined to bring his daughter’s consciousness into the ‘real world’, even if that means using the robotic weapons project he’s developing for he government. He and Adams become friends, bonding over the deaths of their loved ones, and Graystone tells Adams that he can bring is dead daughter and wife back to ‘life’. Yet when Adams meets his daughter in virtual reality he’s horrified because while it seems like her she’s terrified because she says she can’t feel anything, which makes Adams feel ashamed for putting her through this. he then views the whole thing as an abomination and tells Graystone to get rid of her and the program. Graystone then tries to merge his virtual daughter with a new form of robot and it seems to fail, though in the end we see that it’s a success. And this new type of robot—the very first Cylon.

Caprica is depicted in an interesting way, as sort of an advanced 1950’s. We see lots of robot servants and how dependent people are on them. There are also the Caprican’s prejudice against the Taurons, which Adams is. His real name was Adama but he changed it. And his brother has ties to a criminal organization, sort of like the mafia, though all the Taurons look Hispanic. This two hour pilot makes me very excited for the 2010 series that will air on SyFy.

Capricorn One (1978)

Just as a manned mission to Mars is about to take off the launch pad, government officials open the hatch of the capsule and tell the three astronauts (James Brolin, Sam Waterston, O.J. Simpson) that they have to leave immediately. They do and the ship takes off without them. After they are taken to a secluded hangar out in the desert, it’s explained to them (by Hal Holbrook) that if they would have died within two weeks, due to a faulty life support system. He convinces them that in order to save the space program they have to fake the Mars landing-and the astronauts reluctantly agree to go along with it. Everything goes as planned until the returning Mars capsule burns up in Earth’s orbit. The astronauts realize that they’ll be killed to maintain the facade so they escape into the desert, each man traveling in a different direction. But in the end only one of them makes it, partly due to the help of an investigative reporter (Elliott Gould). It’s an interesting movie, perhaps more relevant now than it was in the 70’s, with the recent robotic landings on the Red Planet and all. And it’s probably right up those peoples’ alleys who believe that all those Moon landings were faked by the government (I think the same people who belong to the flat Earth society).

Captain America (1990)

The first half of this live-action movie is great, exactly what it should be. In 1943 a lame Steve Rogers (Matt Salinger) volunteers for an Army experiment that will transform him into a Super Soldier. The doctor who came up with the serum had previously done this in Italy and is responsible for creating “The Red Skull”. Now, she wants to undo that mistake. Captain America is sent to Italy to stop the villain from firing a missile onto Washington, DC but gets captured and strapped to the missile. At the last minute he manages to divert it and send it crashing into Alaska, where he’s frozen for nearly fifty years. From this point on the movie steadily gets worse. He literally walks home and meets with is old girlfriend, Bernie, who is now in her late seventies, and is introduced to her daughter (portrayed by the same actress), Sharon. After Bernie gets killed, Captain America and Sharon go to Italy to stop the Red Skull, who is now a businessman. There’s a lot of running around as they are pursued by the Red Skull’s daughter and a somewhat lackluster ending which involves him saving the President of the United States (Ronny Cox), who is taken hostage. Directed by Albert Pyun.

Captain America (1979)

In this made-for-television adaptation of the Marvel superhero, Steve Rogers (Reb Brown of Yor: Hunter from the Future), recently out of the Marines (despite that he has long hair), is approached by scientists Dr. Simon Mills and Dr. Wendy Day (Heather Menzies of Logan’s Run TV series) who worked with his father. His dad had developed a super-steroid, called FLAG, that increases strength. Since it was based on his DNA the only other person who can take the drug without dying is his son. There are some guys who want to kill Steve, as they think he knows something he doesn’t. First, they crash his van, then he’s in a motorcycle accident which leaves him near death. Dr. Mills, in a last ditch effort to save his life, injects him with the serum and he quickly recovers. He’s stronger (but not any smarter). And Dr. Mills tells him about his father, who was called “Captain America”. In fact, he develops a special motorcycle and shield for him. The villain here is a guy who wants to explode a neutron bomb and they manage to prevent this just in time. This is pretty much “Captain America” in name-only. It’s much more influenced by The Six Million Dollar Man and Evel Knievel than the Marvel Comics character.

Captain America II: Death Too Soon (1979)

This is a better produced television sequel than the “origin” story. It begins with Captain America rescuing an old woman’s pension check from some thugs. Then it goes to where he works at a government agency. Here, Dr. Wendy Day is portrayed by Connie Sellecca (Greatest American Hero), taking over for Heather Menzies.

He’s sent to investigate a small town where weird things are happening, like farm animals dying of old age when they are only a few weeks old. He hits it up with a mother and her kid, who are reluctant to talk about what’s really going on. It’s when he stands up for them and defeats some of the local thugs that they loosen up. A hidden lab has developed a substance that increases aging. This is all the diabolical plan of a General named Miguel (Christopher Lee), who plans on exposing cities to this and then asking a high price for the antidote. It’s all kind of convoluted. In the end Miguel gets the chemical spilled on himself and starts aging rapidly, like in a Dracula movie, which I guess is sort of an in-joke. Rebb and Chris Lee would appear together again, a few years later, in Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (1985).

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

It’s the beginning of World War II and Steve Rogers wants to join the army and fight the Nazis. But he’s too weak and poor of health. His best friend, Bucky Barnes, is being shipped off and this only depresses him since he can’t be a part of the fight. But a German scientist, Abraham Erskine, working for the U.S. government overhears their conversation and approaches Rogers. He’s developed a process to create a “Super Soldier” and believes Rogers may be the right candidate, primarily because he’s a good person. Steve doesn’t have any agenda other than to “do the right thing”. In fact, when he’s going through boot camp and their commanding officer throws a grenade amongst the soldiers, he selflessly throws himself on the bomb, not realizing it’s a dummy.

There’s also a woman lieutenant, Peggy Carter, who has an interest in Rogers before he undergoes his transformation. This whole sequence is pretty intense, as he’s taken at a hidden lab in New York City and given a series of injections and exposed to “Vita rays”. One of the other scientists involved is Howard Stark, Tony Stark’s (Iron Man) father.

The main villain here is Johann Schmidt, the Red Skull (Hugo Weaving of The Matrix), who was the first to try out Dr. Erskine’s serum, before it was ready. But whereas Rogers was good, Schmidt was bad and it only made him more evil. He runs the Nazi’s scientific division, Hydra, but has plans of his own that go way beyond Hitler. He has recovered an ancient, powerful object that is said to belong to Odin (Thor’s father) and uses this to power his new machines and weapons, like disintegrator guns.

The final confrontation between Captain America and the Red Skull is not disappointing, and sets the stage for the first Avengers movie, as it ends with Rogers being in the present day and meeting Nick Fury.

This is one of the best comic to film adaptations ever. It is exactly what a Captain America movie should be—and it is.

Captain Nemo & The Underwater City (1960)

Robert Ryan portrays the infamous Captain Nemo, an older, more sympathetic character than as portrayed by James Mason in the classic Disney version of the Jules Verne novel. Nemo rescues survivors from a sinking ship, which include Chuck Connors, two money hungry men, a woman and kid and a guy who gets claustrophobia and almost kills everyone. They are taken down to Nemo’s underwater city, which they find amazing. It’s an idyllic community-and they plan to make the city larger to accommodate more people-but there are some dangers, such as the giant forty foot Manta Ray. This is an entertaining sequel of sorts to 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (which I guess would take place before Mysterious Island), with big, colorful sets and an interesting story.

Captivity (2007)

If you enjoyed the Saw movies then you’ll like this new “torture movie”, in which a high fashion model (Elisha Cuthbert of House of Wax) is kidnapped and mentally tortured by a mysterious, sadistic man. The first half of the movie is about her dealing with her captivity and the second half is more about the person doing this to her, which makes the film a lot more interesting. Although there’s not a lot of gore, there are some death scenes involving battery acid that will make you cringe

Carnivore (2002)

I’m always wary when I come across a movie I’ve never heard of that has a great video box cover...and this is a prime example why. A group of scientists, working on a new biological weapon/creature for the government, have made their lab in the ‘old Romero’ house, in a room hidden behind the movable fireplace. Although this creature is supposed to be a ferocious man-killer the scientist overseeing the project treats it like a fluffy kitten. When it’s time to give it a shot he opens the vault-like cage it’s housed in, peers in and tells it to come to him. It sticks out a clawed human-like hand—and then retracts it like it’s teasing him. What it does do is spear him in the chest with the needle—and he dies. Guess that wasn’t a good idea opening the cage! Of course, the creature escapes the lab but for some reason the monster can’t leave the house, even though there are plenty of windows half-assedly boarded up like in a zombie movie (why?).Of course, a group of kids, wanting to party, break in to this old house and are hunted down by the monster. Blah blah blah. As for the monster itself it looks like a cross between a Critter and a cheap ape-suit, though not as terrifying as the latter. All in all a very insulting movie—predictable, stereotypical story, little plausibility, bad casting, bad acting and goofy effects. Not remotely entertaining. This movie bites!

Carny (2009)

This is a good, old-fashioned monster movie, despite the CGI monster. It begins with some shady carnies purchasing a mysterious creature from a seller—and one of the guys is blinded by its claw. Then we go to the town where they are displaying the creature, where Atlas (Lou Diamond Phillips) is the sheriff. He sees the creature in its cage and is alarmed. Then, it escapes and begins killing the locals. It’s revealed that this bat-like creature is really the Jersey Devil. And it’s almost impossible to kill.

Carny is a well-produced creature on the loose flick and perhaps the best movie that features the Jersey Devil...

Carrie (2002)

To say I was a bit trepidatious about this television adaptation of the Stephen King novel is an understatement. I kept on thinking about the horrible The Shining remake a few years ago. But it was surprisingly well done, most of it faithful to the book. And I liked the actress who portrayed Carrie White better than Sissy Spacek in the role. The big differences here, compared to the first movie, is that Carrie doesn’t remember anything about using her powers, she seems almost a victim of her abilities just as she’s a victim in the rest of her life. In the DePalma movie her anger was very intentional towards her laughing classmates. The only thing I didn’t like was the open ending, where she survives. Perhaps because of the success of The Dead Zone as a TV series, NBC got the idea to somehow turn Carrie in to a continuing series.

Carriers (2009)

Carriers is a realistic and effective end-of-the-world movie. A group of four twenty-somethings are driving along the back roads in order to get to a secluded beach and a deserted hotel where they plan on waiting out the deadly pandemic that his killed nearly everyone off. They are Brian (Chris Pine) and his brother Danny, Brian’s girlfriend Bobby (Piper Perabo of The Cave) and Kate. In the beginning their car breaks down and so they take over the SUV that belongs to a man (Chris Meloni) and his sick daughter. They seal them in the backseat with plastic and duct tape and agree to take them to a town where it was said a cure for the virus was found. But when they get to that town it’s deserted, except for one surviving scientist and some young children. They all have the disease. The group leaves the father and daughter behind and proceed onwards, where they encounter other survivors at a hotel. Things get complicated when Bobby contracts the disease and they must make the choice to leave her behind or not. This is a good movie, though be warned that it’s no sun-shiny life-affirming story you’ll be watching.

Case 39 (2009)

Emily Jenkins (Rene Zellweger of Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation) is an overworked social worker who saves a girl, Lilith, from her seemingly abusive parents. In fact, she ends of taking the girl into her own home. She soon discovers that the girl’s parents weren’t insane after all—they had a good reason to want to kill their evil child. One by one she begins killing Emily’s friends and associates. When she visits the father in prison he explains that when she was born that “something older came back with her”. So now she has to protect herself but doesn’t know how to do this without harming the child.

As a “killer kid” movie this is just okay and actress Jodelle Ferland pulls off the performance. But in regard to the poor script Emily’s switchover to wanting to save the kid to wanting to kill the kid is out of the blue. It’s too abrupt and made me feel as if the DVD skipped a chapter. The hardest part I had was watching Renee Zellwegger for an hour and a half. At least have a lemon half-sticking out of her yap to explain why she has that expression on her face all the time. Case 39 is a generic title for a generic, paint-by-the-numbers horror movie. If you saw the trailer then there’s no need to see this.

Castle of Evil (1966)

A small group of people are invited to a castle on a Caribbean island to hear the reading of a will. The one thing they all have in common is that they hate the man who died—he was an unpleasant individual who screwed up all of their lives. Once they are all together the housekeeper explains that the will cannot be read until the man’s murderer is found—as he believed that one of them was responsible for his disfiguring accident a year before (the same accident which slowly killed him). And, one by one, the guests are killed off—by what seems to be the reanimated body of their dead host. He is one wicked zombie. I was surprised how good this movie was—interesting 60’s type characters, suspenseful story and nasty makeup effects. Highly recommended.

Cat Creature, The (1972)

An ancient Egyptian mummy is accidently resurrected when a burglar steals the amulet from about its neck-and one by one everyone who comes into contact with the jewelry is killed...by a black cat. David Heddison (Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea), an archeologist, figures out that the mummy was actually a follower of the cat-god Bast, and that this individual, who has assumed the shape of a human, has the power to turn into a cat. In a scene that was ripped off by Stephen King’s Sleepwalkers fifteen years later, the revealed Mummy is attacked by dozens of household cats in the end, who are attracted to this Cat Creature. Written by Robert Bloch and directed by Curtis Harrington, who also gave us The Dead Don’t Die.

Catacombs (2008)

A young woman named Victoria (Shannyn Sossamon) is invited to visit her sister (Alecia Moore) in Paris and gets a trip she wasn’t counting on. After her arrival they go to a party that’s down in the catacombs of Paris and they tell her of a story about a deranged killer who stalked the passageways, killing people. She’s a jumpy, high-anxiety person, so the story terrifies her. After she and her sister are attacked and her sister is killed, she runs away and gets lost in the labyrinth. She meets Henry, a fellow party goer, and helps her in her quest to leave the tunnels but he gets injured and she’s forced to leave him behind with a broken leg. The movie starts off as one thing and then ends as another, with a completely unexpected twist that works and makes the situation even more terrible.

Category 6: Day of Destruction (2004)

Huge storms, a result of the greenhouse effect, make their way to Chicago and decimate that city. Videotaping this is Tornado Tommy (Randy Quaid), a weatherman turned Storm Chaser, who is the most interesting character in this three hour tale. Other plotlines involve Nancy McKeon as a tv reporter determined to uncover the truth about the weird weather, her pregnant sister-in-law trapped in an elevator, and William Gibson (Dharma & Greg) as the manager of an electric company, who is having an affair and must choose between the sexpot and his wife. This is a decent enough disaster movie, but pales in comparison to any Irwin Allen movie from the 70’s (Earthquake, Towering Inferno, et cetera).

Category 7: The End of the World (2005)

This Hallmark original movie is an inferior sequel to Category 6: Day of Destruction. Soon after Chicago is destroyed, huge tornadoes flatten Paris, France and then obliterate the pyramids in Egypt.A scientist has a theory as to why this is happening (it’s related to the amount of energy/heat cities produce, combined with atmospheric conditions created by the Green House effect). Gina Gershon is the newly appointed director of FEMA, and she gets his help in trying to stop the storms from wiping Washington DC off the map. Randy Quaid returns as ‘Tornado Tommy’, a character from the first movie who is far more subdued here and is used to little effect. Shannon Doherty is just kind of there as his assistant. There’s also a stereotypical subplot about a religious group who thinks this is truly the ‘end of days’ and they kidnap the first born children of a lot of politicians. This is a three-hour snoozer.

Catwoman (2004)

This Catwoman, as with the Michelle Pfeiffer version in Batman Returns, has little to do with the comic book villain. The character who gains the superpowers is a meek graphic artist by the name of Patience Phillips. One night, when she’s delivering an assignment to her boss, she accidently overhears something she isn’t supposed to-and she ends up dead, washed up on the shore. Then all these cats appear, led by this Egyptian cat-and life is breathed into her. During the following days she exhibits all these cat behaviors-and her personality flip-flops between that of Patience and that of Catwoman.There’s also a side-story involving her and this police detective. He’s dating Patience and is after Catwoman, who is being framed for murders across the city.Sharon Stone is cast as the villain, for a change, and it works. The weird thing about the Catwoman movie is that it kept on reminding me of the first Crow movie. The character in The Crow is killed unjustly and is brought back to life by a crow so that he can have his revenge. In Catwoman she’s brought back by cats instead. Also, actor Michael Massee portrayed one of the thugs who killed Brandon Lee-and here he plays one of the thugs who kills Halley Barre. Weird coincidence. Or not? Catwoman is much better than I thought it would be-and, in fact, I enjoyed it much more than Spiderman 2. Plus, Barre is hot in that cat costume!

Cave, The (2005)

Thirty years ago a group of military types accidently get trapped in a massive cavern beneath the Romanian mountains, but not before we’re made sure we know that there’s SOMETHING down there with them. In present day, a professor hires a diving team to explore this same vast cavern, which has finally excavated amidst the ruins of an old church. One of the old frescos in the church show knights fighting demons, something which comes into play towards the end of the movie. It’s estimated that there is an underground river, over eighty miles long, beneath the Carpathian Mountains, and that it has no other exit. At first the divers have no problem with anything. Soon they start discovering strange life forms, like this repulsive albino mole. Later, there are strange, threatening sounds. It isn’t until one of the divers is killed in an avalanche that things start going wrong for them. As the leader of the group (Cole Hauser) tries to find a tunnel leading upwards, he’s attached by something with large talons-and gets badly torn up. And soon the wound becomes infected, causing him to behave crazily. Yet, he’s the only one who can get all the others out alive...Although I could guess where the movie was going-and it is much more like The Relic than Aliens-I was entertained and kept on the edge of my seat. The movie also has an unsettling ending which WORKS. If you missed it at the theater definitely check it out when it hits the video stores in a few months. Undeniably one of the best horror films of 2005.

Caved In: Prehistoric Terror  (2005)

Christopher Atkins (The Blue Lagoon) is an American hired by a group of criminals in Switzerland (led by Colm Meany of Star Trek: The Next Generation, Hell on Wheels) to explore an abandoned salt mine that caved in fifty years ago. At the start of the film we’re shown that the miners broke into a cavern filled with giant emeralds-and unleashed these giant carnivorous beetles. Dynamite explodes and the mine is sealed off.I think this movie is trying to capitalize on the much higher budgeted The Cave, but has none of that movie’s excitement whatsoever. Everything is here is predictable and silly, including the ending where they destroy the giant queen beetle (why is there always a queen insect?). My biggest question is what have these creatures been living upon while underground? We don’t see any other animals-and these things are huge. Dumb.

Cavern, The (2006)

A group of amateur cave explorers go to Russia to explore an unknown cave system. This is a dry cave for the most part, lots of dust, can really just see what’s within the lamplight of the explorers. To make up for the lack of scenery there’s lots of POV shots of people running and screaming, a la Blair Witch. The leader of the group is an African-American who lost his fiance the year before. She had drowned when the cave they were exploring in Peru flooded-and there are several flashbacks to this. There’s also a nerdy guy writing a book about cave exploring and he fits that stereotype to a tee. The creature attacks are mysterious and harrowing-and the movie does keep you guessing until the end exactly what the monster is.

The Cavern is not as good as The Cave or The Descent, yet it’s a decent enough horror movie about a subterranean monster

Cell 2, The  (2009)

This is a poor sequel on every level. At the beginning, during the pursuit to save the victim of a serial killer, a voice-over explains that the FBI sometimes utilizes the talents of people with psychic ability. This time the woman is named Maya & she vaguely fits the description of Jennifer Lopez (star of the original movie). She is after an elusive serial killer who kills his victims—and brings them back to life—via electric shock. It’s revealed that Maya is the only victim of his to ever survive—and that dying so many times gave her the ability to go into other people’s dreams. She was killed six times, which is goofy, because it’s miraculous if someone is brought back once, contrary to the fiction of the movies.

The dream visuals are poor, reminding me of a movie from the 80’s, and there is plenty of cliche dialogue such as when the deputy says “We went over this crime scene with a fine toothed comb”. There’s even the immediate antagonism between the FBI and the small town sheriff (Chris Bruno of The Dead Zone TV series), a cliche if there ever was one. In fact, this all seems like a very weak episode of The Dead Zone as it has Chris Bruno again as a sheriff and Frank Whaley, who was in one season of that same show, as his deputy. The only thing missing is Anthony Michael Hall as John Smith—and a good story.

Cemetary Gates(2006)

Reggie Bannister (Phantasm movies) as a scientist whose experiment, “Preshus”, is freed by some animal rights activists. They have no idea that they have a giant, mutated Tasmanian Devil-that is, until it rips them to shreds. It escapes to a nearby park and then takes residence beneath an old graveyard, where, by coincidence, the scientist’s son is videotaping a student film about zombies.

This is one of those movies in which the filmmakers know they have a goofy monster-and go with it. For the most part it works. We don’t see what the creature looks like in its entirety until we’re halfway into the movie-and by that time the viewer is able to take the “man-in-a-bear-suit creature” in stride. Some of the characters are stereotypical, many are just victims waiting to happen-and Bannister’s scientist is sort of clueless, not only about the creature but about how to talk to his estranged son.

The monster effects aside, this is one of the bloodiest movies I’ve seen in a long time-when someone gets attack they’re like corpuscle fountains. The N and the B of KNB Effects (Greg Nicotero and Howard Berger) portray two stoners who get knocked off. In one of the film’s funniest scenes we get a POV shot from Nicotero, who is hallucinating from taking peyote. Instead of seeing a a hulking, ferocious monster he sees a children’s cartoon animal-and goes to embrace it, thinking it’s his “spirit animal”.

The thing I like best about Cemetary Gates is that it has a sense of humor, unlike a lot of recent “giant animal on the loose” movies.

Centipede (2004)

As far as giant animal/bug movies, this is a good one. First, there are no computer animated centipedes. Instead, we have miniatures and full-scale animatronics, which make the many legged creature seem far more real.A group of spoiled rich college graduates decide to have a last get together before they all go their separate ways. So they all go caving in this deep cave in India, where they encounter the giant insect far beneath the Earth. When an explosion collapses the entrance they have to find an alternate route to the surface, which leads them past the giant insect’s lair. We’re not certain if its enormous growth is due to the toxic waste leaking into the caverns or if it’s just a giant species. The ending goes on a little bit too long, which bugged me. Otherwise, CENTIPEDE an entertaining , old fashioned monster movie.

Century City (2004)

I normally don’t care for shows about lawyers but this is different enough to make it interesting. It is about a law firm in L.A in the year 2030 and they deal with legal situations that don’t even exist yet, such as human cloning and artificially increased intelligence. In one of the episodes a teenaged girl wants to sue her parents for having a tracking device implanted on her (like when you chip a pet). It’s original purpose was to keep her safe but they use it to spy on her. In another, a child actor is debating to undergo a procedure that will retard his growth and enable him to look young for years to come, so he can maintain his career.

The show has a great cast. Nestor Carbonell (Lost, Bat Manuel from The Tick) is one of the lawyers, as is Kristin Lehman as a genetically modified human named Lee May Bristol. It also stars Ioan Gruffud (Fantastic Four) and Hector Elizondo. The most entertaining character is Darwin McNeil, who is such a pain in the ass to deal with he can’t keep any assistants for more than a few weeks. In fact, all of his ex-assistants get together and decide to sue him for psychological abuse. The solution the firm comes up with is to forbid Darwin from hiring anyone else. They give him a computer holographic system instead. I think this show was ahead of its time. It’s very plausible science-fiction.

Cerberus (2005)

Another inane Sci-Fi Channel Original cgi creature of the week, this time borrowing a monster from Greek myth. An evil Asian guy wants the breastplate of Achilles and hires Greg Evigan (who would have thought BJ & The Bear would be the highlight of his career) to get it. In Bucharest, Romania, he and his men kill a museum caretaker and steal it. Away in New York City, a woman curator is awaiting that artifact to complete her new collection-and gets a phone call that the priceless relic is gone and that her mentor was killed. In a convoluted way she ends up o fly to Romania to rescue her kid brother and translates the writing on the breastplate for the bad guys. It leads them into some caverns where Evigan grabs Achille’s sword, which is said to have the power of Hell. Unfortunately it’s also guarded by Cerberus, that three-headed dog. Cerberus looks like a mutated Pitt Bull and has a snake for a tail. In the end the bad guys get what’s coming to them, the woman curator ends up surviving with a stereotypical government agent, who uses the sword to dispatch the creature.

Chain of Souls (2000)

This is a very well written indie film (script by Dennis Devine), about a cult of people who kill others in order to gain self-empowerment. Sort of a spoof of those crazy California self-help groups. Anyway, this cult is able to do this under the guise of auditioning actresses for a movie. The actress shows up in the barren theater, says her lines, then is captured and tied up by a big muscled goon to be later sacrificed. The story follows a hick chick who moves to Hollywood in hopes of becoming an actress. She’s extremely naÃ¯ve-but is befriended by two actresses who clue her in on how to audition and be an actress. When one of these friends goes to the one-way audition she’s captured and eventually killed. So is the country girl, who was the main character! This really surprised me. When her sister back in Texas doesn’t hear from her, she travels to Hollywood and tries to find out where she disappeared to. She’s befriended by a photographer, who took her sister’s headshots, and together they uncover the cult and eventually stop it. Or do they?The twist ending was extremely well pulled off and this was a very unpredictable movie. Directed by Steve Jarvis.

Challenge, The (1970)

In order to prevent a full-scale war, a small Asian Country and the U.S. decide is to have “surrogates” fight it out—one man from each side. On the American side is Jacob Gallery (Darren McGaven of the original The Night Stalker), a dishonorably discharged soldier who will do anything it takes to win (that’s why they picked him). On the Asian side is Yuro (Mako of the original Conan the Barbarian). They are both armed with machine guns and the American proceeds to poison all the fresh water. There’s a lot of back and forth between the two combatants and the U.S. government, which feels like they are just padding out time. I thought this was a great idea—but the execution of it is poor. Maybe that’s why the director credit is “Alan Smithee”.

Chaos Experiment, The (2009)

Val Kilmer portrays an odd guy named Jimmy, who goes to the local newspaper in Grand Rapids, MI, and tells the editor that unless he prints a story that six people will die. He says he has locked them up in a sauna and that they’ll perish within 2 hours because of the heat. He insists that the earth and civilization will end in three years because of global warming and this “experiment” is to show what will eventually happen to everyone on the planet. The editor thinks this guy is crazy as a loon so he calls a police detective (Armand Assante), who takes him down to the station. Jimmy continues to recount the story, which starts making the cop think that all this already happened. The tale cuts between Kilmer being crazier and crazier and what happens to the three men and three women in the sauna as the heat rises to 130 degrees. Some are killed by each other, some take their own lives. The Chaos Experiment has an interesting story that it neatly ties up everything, though all the Saw movies cast a long shadow over this.

Charlie & The Chocolate Factory (2005)

This adaptation of the Roald Dahl book isn’t bad, and Johnny Depp adds his own brand peculiarity to the interpretation of Willy Wonka. The movie spends very little time on the interaction between Charlie and his grandfather, instead concentrating on the origins of Wonka and his chocolate factory. In a flashback sequence we’re even shown where the Oompa Loompas come from. The best things about this movie are the special effects, the musical dance sequences of the Oompa Loompas (which will have you chuckling), and the nut room with the squirrels. Still, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, starring Gene Wilder, is undeniably better.

Chasing Sleep (2001)

Jeff Daniels is perfect in this role as a frazzled man who wakes up one morning to find his wife gone. Did she run off.. or was she murdered? And what’s with that suspicious looking hole in one of the walls? You never quite know what’s happening as characters are introduced and reintroduced and you’re not sure if Daniel’s character is dreaming or awake. The movie is effectively creepy and there are enough twists and turns to keep you guessing as to what’s really going on. Recommended.

Chicago Massacre: Richard Speck (2007)

Corin Nemec (Mansquito, Sand Sharks) gives a harrowing performance as serial killer Richard Speck in this biopic from director Michael Feiffer. On July 14, 1966 Speck killed and raped eight student nurses. The movie goes back and forth through time, from his origins in Texas to him being married to him killing the nurses and also spending life in jail. I wouldn’t say this movie is entertaining, per se, but I think a good representation of a serial killer (as was Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer). The most disturbing scene is at the end of the movie when events from a videotape found in 1995 is “re-inacted”, showing a Richard Speck with breasts (he was taking female hormones), high on drugs and introducing his “jail bitch” to the camera. Eeeek. The movie also features Andrew Divoff and Tony Todd as detectives and Debbie Rochon steals one of the better scenes of the movie.

Child of Darkness, Child of Light (1991)

Two virgin births occur and one is the antichrist. The Vatican has to prove not only that the births are genuine but also which baby is evil incarnate, so they send a priest (Anthony Dennison) to investigate. Both girls have horrible visions and encounter a mysterious man, who may or may not be the devil. Sela Ward is on hand as a nun, assisting the investigation, though she’s slowly driven insane by the powers they confront. There are elements borrowed from Rosemary’s Baby, The Exorcist and The Omen, though this is to be expected in a made-for-cable movie. The twist at the end did surprise me though-BUT the double twist ending failed and left me saying ‘Huh?’. Just didn’t work.

Children of Men (2006)

Twenty-years in the future England is the only country that still has a civilization, primarily because it has blocked itself off from the rest of the world. There also hasn’t been any children born in eighteen years, which has had quite a profound effect on mankind. Theo Faren (Clive Owen), once a peace activist, is recruited by his ex-wife Julian Taylor (Julianne Moore) to help get a woman out of England. He learns that she’s pregnant - and there are people who want to use her for their own political purposes. So it’s up to him to get her to safety. Through their journey we’re shown this plausible futuristic world.

Children of Men is well-shot and directed but it’s a very dark, depressing film, so make sure you’re in the right mood before you watch it. It reminded me of Soylent Green, which it has a lot of parallels to.

Children of the Corn (2009)

This is a new adaptation of the Stephen King short story, directed by Donald Borchers, who produced the 1984 movie with Peter Horton and Linda Hamilton. He should have left well enough alone.

This movie begins in 1963, with a child in a cornfield in Nebraska preaching to a bunch of other children, saying that adults are evil and that they should all worship “He who walks behind the rows”. Then the film cuts to twelve-years later, with an interracial couple arguing in their car. This is Burt (David Anders) and Vicki (Kandyse McClure of Battlestar Galactica, Dark Angel). A boy runs out in the road in front of them and they hit him. The wife becomes even more of a shrill nag and starts yelling at her husband. He notices, though, that the kid’s throat has been cut, so that if he hadn’t hit him he’d be dead anyways. Curious about this, he follows the kid’s blood trail into the cornfield and finds a suitcase. There’s also another kid who remains unseen, who almost attacks him before he goes back to his wife. They soon come to the town of Gatlin and find it abandoned and deserted looking. He goes into one of the buildings and she stays in the car. Thankfully, they kill her because she was really getting on my nerves. Then he has to endure the rest of the movie until his unpleasant demise.

Yes, this movie is far more faithful to the Stephen King story but this does not make for a pleasant or entertaining viewing experience. The characters are so unlikable you want to turn the television off after ten minutes. Definitely NOT recommended. If you want to watch kids killing people watch The Children (2009).

Children of the Corn: Revelation (2002)

This installment of the Children of the Corn franchise rehashes the old story. This time it’s about a young woman who visits her grandmother, only to find her missing. It seems that a few months ago Grandma sold her house and moved into an old, run-down apartment building in Omaha-and now she’s disappeared with no word. Through a dream sequence it’s revealed that she was killed-and brought back as a young, evil child. There’s a lot of these creepy kids wandering the halls, not to mention the mini-corn field growing in the nearby lot. One by one people in the apartment building are killed-and each death brings back the resurrection of one of the original cult member children who worship ‘He who walks behind the rows’. In the end the main character escapes with the help of a friendly police officer-and the whole building explodes in fire. Why do movies always have to end with the place exploding at the end? And it’s not even for real-it’s a computer effect!

Children of the Living Dead (2001)

The first ten minutes of this John Russo produced zombie flick are decent, fitting in with the mythos of the classic Night of the Living Dead. Zombies are seen wandering the Pennsylvania countryside and redneck hunters are shooting them down. Tom Savini, a mercenary, has it out with a dozen or so of them, even blowing up his own car to nail a few. But his luck runs out. He, and the local dufus Sheriff, decide to investigate a local farmhouse and come across a creature that seems to be an intelligent zombie. In fact, he was keeping a group of children in one of the animal pens. For food? Savini is bitten by the zombie and the sheriff shoots him so he won’t come back as one of the Living Dead. Then, the movie skips fourteen years. From this point on the film is almost as bad as Russo’s ‘Special’ edition of NOTLD, for several reasons. The first is the horrible casting of the actors—if the intention was to get the worst ones out there then the makers of this film have succeeded. The second reason is that it simply doesn’t work having an ‘intelligent’ zombie wandering around and suddenly showing up after fourteen years, only to turn a van full of college students into the walking dead. And the third, and the truly amazing mistake, is the sub-par makeup effects, particularly for the zombie leader. It looks as if he’s wearing a mask and oversize latex gloves. I just sat there shaking my head....Hopefully Russo won’t get it in his mind to make ‘Babies of the Living Dead’ or ‘Pets of the Living Dead’...but I probably just gave him the idea.

Children of the Night (1971)

(AKA Daughters of Darkness) A newlywed couple, Valerie and Stephan, honeymoon at a resort during the off season where they meet a Hungarian Countess, Elizabeth Bitori and her companion, Luna. Stephan becomes seduced by Luna-and accidently kills her. His predicament is discovered by Valerie and Elizabeth-and they help him bury the body during the night. Valerie, understandably upset by her new, unfaithful husband, stays with the Countess-and becomes seduced by her. You see, the Countess is really a vampire-and begins to turn Valerie into one as well. Stephan grows more upset as he is ignored by the duo-and eventually tries to take Valerie away from the Countess. There is a chase and the Countess is killed in a car crash, impaled. In the end Valerie becomes the new vampire.

Children of the Sky (2000)

This independent film tackles the alien abduction scenario with a great deal of success. Kevin, who has been abducted by gray aliens since he was a child, gets a vasectomy even though his wife desperately wants a child. He subconsciously knows what may happen to the kid-abduction or something far worse. Anne Marie, nearly full-term pregnant, has a cheating husband, who we later find out is cheating on her for payback because he knows he can’t have children—and therefore didn’t get his wife pregnant. Aliens did. As memories of the alien abductions resurface these two, who eventually meet because of the circumstance, realize they’ve known each other since they were children when abducted together on the saucers. There are also government agents keeping an eye on the duo, decent effects kept to a minimum. Director Jeff Forsyth opts for solid performances and a character driven indy film that towers above its exploitive counterparts.

Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things (1972)

An acting troupe, led by their perverted leader, invade an old graveyard and dig up one of the corpses named Orville, in hopes of bringing him back to life with an ancient witchcraft spell. As far as the director (Alan Ormsby) is concerned, this is all an elaborate practical joke on the actors—but it backfires and he really manages to resurrect the dead—and they’re not very happy about it. They come out of the ground in traditional zombie fashion and then commence to rip them all apart. Good zombie makeup, effective use of slow motion and a real downer of a mood that is created. A classic zombie movie, made only a few years after NOTLD.

Children, The (1980)

A busload of elementary school children drive through a yellowish radioactive cloud caused by the local nuclear power plant land and are transformed into black-fingernailed killers. The sheriff comes across the abandoned school bus a short time later, puzzled where the kids went. A concerned mother goes searching for her son and finds the badly burned body of the bus driver in a nearby graveyard. She also finds her son, Tommy, who hugs her—and we see he has black fingernails. She starts smoking and soon looks like the unfortunate bus driver, a horribly burned mess.

One by one the kids return to their homes and hug their parents or siblings to death—and they seem to enjoy killing them. Bullets don’t work against the zombie-like kids and the authorities figure out that the only way to stop them is to cut off their hands.

The Children is along the lines of such fare as Slithis and even the more recent Teeth, though it has the feel of a John Russo movie. And it’s not that often you see adults trying to kill kids.

Children, The (2008)

Two English families get together over the weekend to celebrate New Years. At first everything is normal, with all the kids running around and the adults drinking wine. Then one of the kids gets sick and coughs up some nasty mucus. With all the shots of the nearby forest, this bacteria has come from there. Soon, the boy touches something and contaminates another kid, then another. That mucus gets around. In one scene the camera zooms in on it, then we see the microorganisms it contains. The kids start acting up, sending a sled into their parents by making it look like an accident and having these extremely violent thoughts/bloody visions which they want to make a reality. They soon escalate to murder and send an adult down the hill on a sled and have a pitchfork waiting down below, which he hits head-on.

The creepy thing about this is that the adults don’t even think the kids are capable of murder until it’s too late. The only one who suspects something weird is going on is the sixteen year old daughter. One mother is forced to kill her son. The kids will cry and ask for their parents, luring them into their traps. It isn’t like they just have something like rabies—they are able to think and be cunning. But are only the children affected by the bacteria from the woods? The Children is one of the best killer kid movies ever made.

Chiller

Miles Creighten (Michael Beck of Deadly Game, Xanadu) is awakened from his cryogenic sleep ten years after his death and appears to be okay. Until he starts doing decidedly wicked things to the people around him. It seems that when the scientists brought him back from the dead they didn’t bring back his soul. The movie is fairly relentless and suspenseful, and the story mostly cohesive, primarily because director Wes Craven was working from a script by J.D. Fiegleson (Dark Night of the Scarecrow, The Lake) and not from his own writing.

Chosen Survivors (1974)

The movie starts off with civilians being dropped via helicopter to a hidden location in he desert and put aboard an elevator which takes them nearly 2000 feet beneath the surface, to a self-contained habitat. As they recover from being drugged, they are informed that they have been chosen by the US government to carry on teh survival of the human race—and that they’ll be able to go back to the surface in five years, when the radiation has tapered off. However, they soon learn that they’re not the only survivors. There’s a huge colony of vampire bats—and as humans are now the only food source those bats want to get to them. But then about an hour into the movie there’s a revelation by the psychologist in the group that changes everything—and then they plan to escape. In the meantime they rig up a trap to electrocute the bats but only manage to destroy a portion of them.

This movie has the feel of Omega Man and Soylent Green, though without Charlton Heston. But there’s a solid cast with Jackie Cooper as the alcoholic rich guy, Alex Cord (Genesis II) as a writer, Bradford Dillman (Bug!, Escape from the Planet of the Apes) as the psychologist, Diana Muldaur (Planet Earth) as a Congresswoman and Richard Jaeckel (The Green Slime) as the lone Army Major.

Chronicle, The (2001)

A reporter named Tucker Burns is only able to get a job at the city’s tabloid paper, The Daily Chronicle, which turns out to actually be reporting the truth in its stories about aliens and monsters. His co-workers include Grace Hall (Rena Sofer) and Wes Freewald (Reno Wilson). Donald Stern (Jon Polito) is the editor-in-chief of the publication. Oh, and there’s the technical support guy who lives in the basement of the building—this is the Pig Man (Curtis Armstrong).

For the most part the stories are played for laughs, though there are some serious ones. A guy who vanished in the Bermuda Triangle for seven years returns saying he was on a desert island but it turns out he was living with the Atlanteans—and one of them wants him back there. Then, an old folks home where the doctor is switching the minds of rich paying clients with younger individuals. A dragon in China Town that’s actually another type of creature altogether. There’s also a relationship established between Tucker and a woman reporter from a “real” newspaper. Grace is haunted by her alien abduction but has some relation in regard to the blue reptilian aliens that had experimented on her. Chief Donald Stern also seems to be more than human since he looks exactly like he did in a 1980 photograph. The series ends with Grace going back in time to the 1940’s with the love of her life and police breaking into the newspaper and saying they are closing it down. So while it wrapped up the tale for one of the main characters it left it wide open for the rest of the series. I think this came out around the same time as Special Unit 2 and has a similar feel to it.

Chronicles of Narnia, The (2005)

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. Narnia is basically The Lord of the Rings for little kids, though it’s kind of weird how it deals with the subject of war. I found the BBC production that was made twenty-years ago much more engaging. Good effects, though

Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, The (2008)

Although I like the special effects, particularly the centaurs, special effects aren’t enough to hold this movie together or keep my interest for over two hours. The four kids are back to Narnia and discover they’ve been gone over a thousand years. Humans have overrun the land and the Narnian creatures have gone into hiding. There’s a prince, however, who may be able to change the way things are, but his uncle wants to kill him. So he runs away to the forest, befriends the creatures and meets up with the kids. Together, they have a plan to put him in power, blah blah blah. There are lots of bloodless battles and the way the movie ends it’s as if none of this fairytale happened to begin with. The three things I liked...the centaurs, Peter Dinkleman (Threshold, Elf) as one of the dwarves and the Regina Spektor song.

Chronicles of Riddick, The (2004)

This sequel to Pitch Black picks up five years after the events of that movie, with Riddick now being hunted by mercenaries on an ice planet. He finds out that the bounty on his head was placed from a planet called Helion. The only person he told where he was going was one of the two people he had saved. So he goes there and finds out that they want him to help fight against a planetary threat called the Necromongers. The Necromongers are led by a man who is half-dead and who has nearly supernatural powers, such as the ability to pull out the soul of a person. From each planet they conquer they acquire new recruits and replacements for their army. If the survivors of the planet refuse to join their death cult they simply destroy the planet. The only thing that puts fear in the leader are a race of people called the Furians. And guess what? Riddick turns out to be a Furian. After narrowly escaping from these soldiers Riddick is captured and taken to a prison planet called Crematoria, a planet that has extremes in temperature. This is where the young woman he had saved, ‘Jack’ in the first movie, is being kept prisoner. Since his five year absence she had left where he had put her and tried even harder to become a killer just like him. Now she goes by the name of Kira (actress Alexa Davalos, who was that electric girl on ANGEL). Well, they eventually escape from the planet only to have a final confrontation with the Necromongers. But how can one man defeat an army of thousands?This sequel is as good, if not better, than the first Riddick movie. The visuals are amazing, the cities and spaceships unique-it’s a very different type of future world than audiences are usually presented. The story and ending of the movie is also very intriguing-and is definitely left wide open for another sequel, which actually didn’t tick me off. Vin Diesel, not a bad actor, was born for this role. Directed by David Twohy (The Arrival, Pitch Black)

Chrysalis (2008)

In the near future, in which the Earth is dying, a group of scientists are trying to find a way to revitalize the plant life. One of them keeps on going out into the surrounding area without his protective suit and this makes him sick. In fact, he continues to grow ill until one day the others find him encased in a chrysalis. There’s lots of debate as to what this means and they are afraid he may emerge as some type of dangerous creature. What he ultimately transforms into and what he can do is surprising and it’s a good payoff. But I found the movie about an hour too long. Because everything basically takes place in a few different rooms I felt like I was watching an extended episode of Monsters or Tales from the Darkside.

Chupacabra: Dark Seas (2005)

A cryptozoologist captures the legendary creature and smuggles it aboard the cruise ship he is taking off the island. Of course, it’s accidently released from its cage and starts on a killing spree. The entire rest of the movie takes place within the ship, like one of those generic Roger Corman movies such as Carnosaur 10. John Rhys-Davies (Lord of the Rings, Sliders) is the ship’s captain-and he seems a bit aimless. Perhaps he’s realized that this is not a movie he wants to be in after all. The monster here is cool looking, resembling a large bat without wings. The story, however, is like the Chupacabra in that it sucks.

City of Ember (2008)

The City of Ember, which is built in a massive cave deep beneath the Earth’s surface, is beginning to lose power. Each blackout is longer than the last, which is a huge problem since no one knows how to fix it. This is because the city’s “Builders” only intended for them to be down there two hundred years, as outlined in a manual that was passed down from city mayor to city mayor. However, this book was lost generations ago—until it’s found by two teenagers. They want to find a way out of the city but it’s against the law—and soon they become fugitives as they try to figure out the secret of how to leave. The mayor (Bill Murray) is only concerned with stuffing his own face with the cache of hidden food he’s found, rather than saving his people.

This is a cool movie, with excellent production design. I love those scenes with the giant mole that prowls the pipeworks. Moles are freaky, especially fifteen foot ones!

Clash of the Titans (2010)

I had really high expectations for this movie. Unfortunately, it mega-disappointments and is one of the lousiest remakes ever. Worse than even The Hitcher remake.

Granted, the original 1981 movie took liberties with Greek Mythology and borrowed from others, such as with the Kraken, which is from Norse Mythology ( in case you young whippersnappers didn’t know that).

The premise is that he’s the son of Zeus and a mortal woman, and is found by a poor fisherman who raises him as his son. Years later, Perseus’ adopted family is all killed as collateral damage when the warriors of Argos demolish a statue of Zeus. There’s a bunch of harpies and then Hades shows up and blasts the fishing boat out of the water. Perseus is the only survivor and is found by the surviving warriors and brought back to Argos. This is just in time for the King and Queen of that city to insult the gods again and Hades pops back up, telling them that in ten days time, during the eclipse, he will send the Kraken to destroy the city—unless they sacrifice their daughter, Andromeda. It’s revealed Perseus is a demi-god and is convinced to try to save the city, though he’s doing it for his own reasons. He has no interest in Andromeda. Instead, he wants revenge on Hades, who killed his family. So he and some soldiers go on a quest to find a way to defeat the Kraken. When they encounter the Stygian witches, they reveal that the stare of Medusa could kill it. So they go after Medusa, who lives on the other side of the river Styx.

Well, the remake tries to be clever in having Perseus refuse all those gifts he got from the Gods in the first movie. He wants to do everything as a “man”. And the gods themselves are nothing like the original and the parts horribly miscast. Liam Neeson is no Zeus and Ralph Fiennes portrays Hades as if he has bad constipation (not to mention the makeup people gave the character excema). Pegasus is now black, perhaps to appeal to a more diverse audience, and there’s a cameo by the robot owl, which I thought was the smartest decision in the whole production. The giant scorpions are okay, there’s a middle-eastern Djinn that blows himself up like a suicide bomber, and medusa is a disappointment. The big show of the Kraken itself is impressive in its size but lost some of it’s juice when it lets out a Godzilla roar. When Perseus is crazily flying around on Pegasus, avoiding the creatures numerous appendages, I was really wishing I was watching AVATAR again, because that movie has way better 3-D. Also, Andromeda and Kalibos basically have cameos.

Clash of the Titans is flat, boring and egodsculates Greek Mythology. If you want to see something that’s in the spirit of the original Ray Harryhausen movie go see Percy Jackson & The Olympians instead. Trust me.

Class of 1999: The Substitute (1994)

This second sequel to Class of 1984 (and direct sequel to 1999) is the weakest of the trio with the fewest special effects. What special effects we do see are primarily from flashback sequences of the previous movie. Events here pick up right after those android school teachers are killed. A man is on the trail of what he believes is an escaped machine, who poses as a substitute teacher at dangerous schools. When we are first introduced to The Substitute (Sasha Michell) he kills a gang of violent high schoolers by tossing a grenade into their car, exploding them all. Then he moves on to a new school, where he befriends a young blonde teacher who is being harassed by a gang of youths from her school. All the other teachers try to discourage her from testifying against the group’s leader, who had shot another student in front of her, but the Substitute encourages her to stick with her beliefs. Basically, the movie is a cross between Terminator and those Substitute movies with Tom Berenger and Treat Williams. The twist ending can be seen coming the first fifteen minutes of the movie.

Clawed: The Legend of Sasquatch (2006)

Miles O’Keefe (Tarzan the Ape Man) portrays a poacher whose friends are killed by the sasquatch creature, Taka-he. He’s so stupid he goes back up to the mountain where his friends were killed with another group of guys, only to have a repeat episode. And he blames the American Indian ranger for his problems and wants to shoot him.

Then there’s the four teenagers who go into the same woods to finish a high school report on endangered animals. They hope to see a Grizzly bear and they do. They also see something else, a man-like creature who is totally pissed that they are up on his mountain. This movie is fairly contrived and the creature looks too familiar, too much like a Neanderthal text-book depiction. The movie is just okay.

Clearwater (2003)

Andy Koontz’s artsy, black and white take on the serial killer genre is simply brilliant. At first I thought this was going to be another ‘homage’ to Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer. And while we have to endure the kidnapping of a young girl and the mutterings of the insane killer (portrayed by Koontz), which we’ve all seen before countless times in horror movies, the film then veers off into an entirely different direction. The serial killer picks a man, unrelated to the woman, and gives him all the information in order to save her. The killer gives him seven days before he’ll kill her. But the man totally freaks out and doesn’t know what to do, so the serial killer has to keep on calling him, prodding him, basically turning this wimpy guy into a hero of sorts. That is, if he manages to find the poor tortured girl in time...Although the black and white effect and the ‘Film’ strobe and fake scratches were a bit irritating at times the story overcame this. It also should’ve been made into a 75 minute feature, rather than the long 60 minute short. But that’s just my gripe.

Clone Wars, The (2008)

As a Star Wars movie this is kind of disappointing as you simply get the feeling this is “filler” that takes place between the second and third Star Wars movies. I much preferred the cartoon Clone Wars that aired on Cartoon Network several years ago.

The premise is that Jabba the Hutt’s infant son is kidnapped by the Rebellion and it’s up to Anakin and his new student, a red-skinned, tentacled headed girl named , to rescue the larvae. Dooku is involved in the kidnapping, of course and he makes it look like the Jedi Knights are responsible for the kidnapping. The robots, the scenery, the ships all looked like they are supposed to but all the human characters are too stiff and stylized—it kept on reminding me of those puppets from Thunderbirds, so it was far too distracting. It’s also weird that one of the Huts looks and sounds just like Truman Capote, probably the most disturbing thing about this movie.

Clonemaster, The (1978)

Dr. Simon Shane (Art Hindle) and his partner/mentor Ezra Louthin (Ralph Bellamy) are nearing their goal of creating human clones. They think they are being funded by a secret government organization but it’s really by millionaire Salt (John Van Dreelen), who wants that technology. He kidnaps and eventually kills Ezra, then goes after Shane.

By this time the clones are born—and they all resemble Simon, since he used his own DNA. There are twelve of them in all and they all have his memories up until the point where he took the cell sample from himself. He can communicate back and forth telepathically with each one of his “brothers” and they can all see what he can see, but they can’t do this with one another. Simon effectively uses them to uncover what Salt is up to.

In the end, to keep them safe, he sends them all off to different parts of the country to different cities and there’s a brief montage of one saying that he’s in love and wants to get married—but what if she knew he was a clone, another says he’s been arrested and they took his fingerprints, and another says he’s aging, getting feeble. If these would have been stories in episodes in a series, this would have been very interesting show.

Close Your Eyes (2003)

This supernatural thriller starring Gorin Visjnic (ER, The Deep) as a therapist with psychic powers. At the beginning of the film we see him hypnotizing a client to stop smoking-and then being paid cash for the service. We quickly find out that he, his wife and child recently moved to England to get away from the psychic stigma-and the bad experience he had with it-in the States. They are trying to have a new beginning.Yet someone finds out who he is and manages to convince him to help a young girl who had escaped from her kidnapper, a man who is presumably a serial-killer of children. She’s the first one to have gotten away, yet is mute, unable to tell anyone what she’s seen. Visjnic does find out what happened to her and it’s not the doings of your regular run of the mill psycho. It has to do with the supernatural and the ability to transfer one soul into the body of another. Close Your Eyes isn’t a bad movie. It simply tries too hard to be like The Ring when it only succeeds in coming off like a Lifetime cable movie.

Closer and Closer (1996)

Kim Delaney (Metal Beast, Body Parts) portrays a wheelchair bound horror author who is being taunted by a serial killer mimicking the killer in her latest book. Several years before she encountered a similar incident-and that’s the reason she’s in the wheelchair. The killer had her trapped up on a balcony and she chose to jump thirty-feet to the ground rather then get stabbed to death.Now she lives in a secluded house in the Pacific Northwest and communicates with everyone via emails and direct-satellite feeds. When the new killings start to happen the FBI comes in to investigate. The head of the task force turns out to be her former lover, whom she hadn’t seen since she became crippled. She had broken off all contact with him, putting her old life behind her. But when the FBI sets up base in her house she has to deal with those old feelings and fears. She rekindles her romance as the killer suredly makes his way across the country, to where she lives.The ending of this movie took me by surprise-I did not expect the serial killer to be who it was. Closer and Closer deals with familiar material, reminding me of The Dark Half and Copycat, yet is entertaining enough to be worth a viewing.

Cloud Atlas (2012)

I love non-linear movies and I found this epic very satisfying, from the characters to the intertwining stories and ultimate message. It begins in the mid-1800’s, with a man making an ocean voyage, then goes to a gay music composer to a murder tied into a nuclear power plant to a publisher in a nursing home to the future, where an Asian clone revolts against her consumer society. It ends thousands of years in the future, with a tribesman (Tom Hanks) trying to survive from cannibals and a woman (Halle Barre) from an advanced society. The film jumps back and forth between all these stories. One of the characters is reincarnated from generation to generation, though this has nothing to do with the actors portraying the characters, who may simply be their descendants (and the reason they look alike). If you can’t follow a story out of order you’ll be hopelessly lost  but if you like time travel yarns and can keep over a dozen characters straight in your head, then this is for you.  Highly recommended

Cloverfield (2008)

It’s rare when a movie is able to live up to it’s hype and anticipation but Cloverfield does just that. The movie is told entirely from the perspective of a single video camera, with several different people taping that eventful night when a giant monster attacks New York City. It begins with a going away party for a guy who is relocating to Japan, then ends with the survivors of the group taking refuge beneath a bridge in Central Park as the Army bombs Manhattan. In between are quite a few harrowing encounters, such as when they travel down the subway tunnels and encounter a batch of small, ferocious monsters (which may be the big creature’s offspring or just the equivalent of lice) to when they try to rescue a girl trapped on the 39th floor of a collapsing apartment building.

Other than in Godzilla: Monsters All Out Attack, this is the first time I’ve seen a movie that shows the devastation done to all the fleeing people as the monster rampages through a city. It’s both creepy and effective. The characters are all interesting, so there’s a connection there, and plenty of edge-of-your-seat action (or running). As for the monster itself, it’s exactly what the American version of Godzilla should have been, though this creature resembles more the monster from The Host than it does Big G. It is suitably ferocious and intimidating. Cloverfield is definitely worth the wait. It’s among the best giant monster movies ever made.

Club Dead (2000)

This is an interesting take on the idea of selling your soul to the devil. The owner of Benson’s Health Spa, an aging woman in her 50’s, decides to close her business because she can’t compete with the newer gyms. But before she can do this she is approached by a mysterious, black garbed man called MR EX, who works for a firm called The Corporation. He promises her that he can not only make her business thrive but make her younger. And he does. The only catch is that she relinquishes her soul-and anyone who joins the gym, by signing a life-long contract, does this as well. Those individuals who are unable to lose weight are eliminated. In come three college newspaper reporters, one of who recently joined the spa. As strange things start to happen and people disappear the trio becomes suspicious and investigates this mysterious organization. They uncover that MR EX isn’t even human and that the Corporation is indeed Hell, catering to man’s dark side and selfish needs. But how do they stop the evil? With an interesting story written by Dennis Devine and Mike Bowler, great locations and a talented group of actors (Lisa Bowdon, Leonna Small, Dierde West), Club Dead is a very entertaining genre film with enough twists and turns to keep you afixed in front of your television for two hours. Ron Waldron, who potrays MR EX, gives Freddy Krueger a run for his money. Directed by Mike Bowler.

Club Dread (2004)

This is a surprisingly good slasher movie, with lots of humor and some nasty killings. Someone is killing off all of the Pleasure Island workers and it may be a former employee, who went crazy and hacked up a bunch of people fifteen years before. Although it does have its comic elements to it and could almost be considered a spoof, I like that the movie takes the serial killings seriously. The ending, when they kill the maniac, is way over the top. If you’re a fan of Friday the 13th movies you’ll get a kick out of this.

Code 46 (2004)

This is probably one of the most boring ‘future’ movies I’ve ever seen, basically a variance of THX-1138, though more in a present world setting. Tim Robbins, who is a part of the social elite, is investigating theft at a company. He finds out who the culprit is-but instead of turning her in to the authorities he ends up going out for dinner and eventually falling in love with her. She ends up getting pregnant, which is a ‘no-no’ because so many people in the future share the same genetic material. And because 50% of their DNA turns out to be identical, this means they are somehow related, most likely through a cloned embryo. This is what Code 46 refers to, breaking this rule. She ends up having the baby aborted and the hospital erases her memory of the incident, even the man she had sex with-so she doesn’t remember him at all the next time they meet. Then, she falls in love with him again, only to be in a car accident, after which they erase his memory of her. The one cool thing that I liked is that in this future society they’ve created viruses that, when taken into the body, can perform immediate tasks, like enabling the person to learnin a foreign language instantly. Other than this and some weird-looking tv monitors, everything looks as if it does in present day (and I’m sure this is supposed to be at least 100 years in the future).

Code Red: The Rubicon Conspiracy (2003)

The government loses contact with a secret experimental base hidden in South America and sends a reluctant soldier and his team to figure out what’s happening. It turns out that these giant insect-like creatures had escaped and killed everyone. And they start killing off the team one by one. There’s also a cyborg/lizard alien involved, though we don’t know exactly how until the end. Although this was part Predator, part Watchers, part ‘you’ve seen it before’, it was still an enjoyable movie, primarily because it took itself seriously and moved really fast.

Cold & Dark (2005)

This British horror cop-buddy movie is a cliche, done much better with the series Forever Knight. A hotshot young detective is assigned to a new partner, who is notorious for ‘getting the job done’. But he soon learns that his partner isn’t entirely human-he was brought back to life by this type of parasite that feeds on people. It takes form of his hand clawing and this morey eel type mouth opening on the palm of his hand.Because we never see how this guy was before he was taken over by a monster we don’t see any change in the character. He acts exactly the same. Which, I suppose, may be the point of the movie. Nevertheless, I had the feeling that I’ve seen this all before-and seen it done much better. A very forgettable film.

Cold Creek Manor (2003)

A family from the city (Dennis Quaid, Sharon Stone and two kids) move out to a large old house in the countryside. They encounter the previous owner of the house (Stephen Dorf), who was in prison and had lost it to the bank. The husband stupidly hires him, as the guy seems to radiate the word ‘threat’. After the family is terrorized by all these different kind of snakes, they fire him and then the trouble begins. Quaid finds some evidence that he may have killed his family and buried the bodies so he does some investigating. It turns out that this is the case and he and his wife are almost killed by the guy when he traps them on the roof. They win, and he falls to his death in typical Hollywood fashion. This is a long boring movie with absolutely no suspense whatsoever. I can’t even call it a thriller.

Coldgrip (2005)

This is a weird thriller. A woman shares a taxi cab with a guy and asks him on a date the next night. He can’t believe his luck, as he’s new to town in Hollywood. They meet, go back to his hotel room and have sex. But when he wakes up the next morning he finds her gone-and written in huge letters on the wall is ‘H.I.V’ , along with an unhappy smiley face. This sets him over the edge. He finds out where the woman lives (where the taxi had let her out the day before), kidnaps her in a newly purchased used van-takes her back to a workshop he rented out for the night-then proceeds to torture her to death and finally dismembers her body. The next day he drives out to the woods and is burying the remains when some campers accidently stumble upon him. Well, he can’t have any witnesses so he has to take care of them as well. When will the killing stop?Although the movie takes place in the USA I thought it weird that the four main characters all have distinctly Spanish accents, which isn’t adequately explained (well, the woman is supposed to be from Italy!). Why not just make it take place in Spain or Mexico? Yet I did like it, as it was unpredictable and so unapologetic in its violence. Coldgrip is a grim, nasty piece of entertainment. If you’re sick of these recent middle-of-the road Hollywood horror movies then you should rent this flick.

Collector, The (2009)

A couple return home from a night out on the town and find a red box on the floor of their house. The husband opens it and is horrified at what he sees inside—and as he does it looks like someone grabs him. Then the movie goes to a new story, about a depressed handyman who is working for a wealthy family. He’s also a thief and has been casing the place for five months. When his wife says she owes money to some loan sharks that night, he decides to rob the house and get her the money. He thinks it will be easy and that the family is gone on vacation.

While he’s cracking the safe he hears someone else break in. He closes up the safe and tries to leave but he finds himself locked in. He thinks the other intruder is on to him so he hides—but finds the owner of the house, all bloody and tortured. The guy tries to leave but is caught in a trap, dragged across the house and dropped down the stairs. The burglar had thought the family went on vacation but they didn’t. The wife is even bound in the bathtub, awaiting some fate. Why is this happening? Some is explained when he finds yet another guy, the exterminator, who says that the intruder only kills those he doesn’t want to collect. Hence, the title. I just didn’t buy the premise and I find it very unlikely he’s able to rig up all those traps in so short an amount of time. The Collector is utterly boring. It’s a robbery movie that’s trying, for some inexplicable reason, to be a Saw movie.

Collision Earth (2011)

James (Kirk Acevedo of Fringe, Prime Suspect) is a former government scientist who had designed a comet/meteor defense system for Earth several years before. But funding was cut and it was never activated. We first see him telling his community college class he teaches of the dangers, how Earth is continually being bombarded by space debris. His wife, Victoria (Dianne Farr of Roswell), is an astronaut who is on a mission to land on Mercury. But her three man crew has bad timing. There’s a massive solar flare which magnetizes the small planet and sends it out of orbit. It’s now on a collision course with Earth. Everyone is killed except Victoria—and her spacecraft is dragged along with Mercury.

On Earth, two college kids intercept her radio signal and at her urging they contact her husband. Now it’s up to him to convince his former colleagues of the danger. But the guy in charge, Edward (Andrew Airlie of Defying Gravity, Reaper) is an asshole and refuses to listen. Meanwhile, there are meteor shows and weird magnetic storms that lift up cars into orbit. The government fires nuclear missiles but they are deflected. Now, it’s up to James to save the day. I always tune into a Syfy Channel movie with the expectation of only getting into the first ten minutes before I shut it off—but I ended up watching this one. Collision Earth is a surprisingly good disaster movie.

Colony Mutation (1996)

This is a cool Super 8mm feature movie with a unique idea. When a biologist is caught cheating on his wife, she throws a vial of experimental serum in his face. What the serum does is make organs and limbs act independently, as if they are their own creature. And these creatures must feed. So he starts preying on women...his body parts detaching themselves and feeding on the victims. Pretty gruesome. In the end, though, he’s destroyed when his head, the leader of the ‘COLONY’ is destroyed. Recommended if you can find it.

Colour from the Dark (2009)

Ivan Zuccon’s newest is an adaptation of the H.P. Lovecraft story, which has previously been adapted to the screen as the movies Die, Monster, Die (1965) and The Curse (1987). It’s 1940’s Italy. Lucia (Debbie Rochon) and her husband Pietro live on an isolated farm, making a meager existence. Also with them is Lucia’s younger sister, a mentally handicapped 23 year old girl named Alice. The movie begins with Alice having a creepy nightmare involving the well outside, a nightmare which eventually comes true.

They’ve disturbed something in the well and now it’s filled with a strange light and substance. Their crops mysteriously grow overnight and Pietro’s lame knee, which kept him out of the fighting, heals. Even Alice begins to speak. However, this improvement is short-lived, as within the week everything literally goes to hell. The “light” from the well starts sucking away all of their life force. Lucia begins to lose her mind and is locked away by Pietro. By the end she looks like the possessed Megan from The Exorcist and is responsible for the deaths of several characters.

A lot of care is taken with the cinematography (also by director Zuccon), as well as the lighting, to create a creepily beautiful backdrop against which this descent into madness happens. The CGI special effects are subtle enough as to not distract from the story, And the screenplay itself is different enough from those previous movies that Colour from the Dark is it’s own thing. Colour from the Dark is one of the better horror movies of 2009.

Coma (2012)

Susan Wheeler (Lauren Ambrose of Six Feet Under, Torchwood: Miracle Day) is a new medical student at a hospital her grandfather helped establish. Quickly she discovers there’s a conspiracy that puts select patients in comas. She isn’t sure who she can trust.

There’s love interest Dr. Bellows, who is having a fling with an older woman, Dr. Agnetta Lindquist (Geena Davis doing a creepy clenched-jaw delivery). We’re not sure about Dr Howard Stark (James Woods) or Professor Hillside (Richard Dreyfuss), who may or may not have something to do with the comas. Because the original novel was written over thirty-years ago, the script updates what the bodies are being used for. It’s creepy and the effects work well. However, this two part made-for-television movie is disappointing, as it doesn’t have quite the same affect as the Robin Cook book or original movie version, probably because the idea has been done so many times that it’s almost a genre cliche.

Comeback, The (1978)

Nick Cooper (Jack Jones) is a Pat Boone-like singer, recently divorced, who is trying to make a comeback with a new album. Since he doesn’t want to return to his penthouse apartment, which he and his wife shared, his manager, Webster Jones (David Doyle) sets him up at an old English estate run by two odd caretaker.. He doesn’t know that his ex-wife Gail (Holly Palance), who was visiting his Penthouse, was savagely stabbed to death by an intruder dressed up as an old lady.

Then, Nick starts hearing a woman’s scream at night, which unnerves him. At first he just thinks it’s nightmares. He becomes involved with his manager’s secretary, Linda.

Harry, a friend of Nick’s, offers to go to the penthouse to pick up some of his belongings and comes across the rotted, maggot infested body of Gail. He flees and is killed as soon as he leaves the elevator. Nick’s nightmares get worse—and one night even sees a rotted corpse at his bedroom’s door. On another night, after he hears screaming, he explores the old house and finds a hatbox that has his ex-wife’s head in it. He freaks out. The next thing he knows he’s in a hospital, where he’s been asleep for five days. The doctor tells him that he has “hysterical exhaustion” and that he hallucinated all of those things. Or was he really being haunted by the ghost of his dead ex-wife, trying to warn him that something was wrong?

The Comeback kept me guessing until the end who the murderer was and even then I was surprised. Basically, everyone, including Nick, had the potential of being the killer. There’s also plenty of gooey corpses and felt at times I was watching a Lucio Fulci movie. Recommended.

Conan the Barbarian (1981)

Next to the first three Terminator movies, I consider this Arnold’s best movie—and he looks exactly like Conan should. James Earl Jones is a great villain in portraying Thulsa Doom (though Thulsa is a Kull villain, not a Conan one!). The supporting cast, especially Sandahl Bergman (All That Jazz, Red Sonja) is great as Valeria, as is William Smith (Track of the Vampire) as Conan’s father. The only thing I didn’t like about this movie is  part of Conan’s origin, where he’s hooked up to pushing a big wheel. It reminded me too much of Hercules in The Three Stooges Meet Hercules, for some reason, where the skinny guy gets big muscles as time goes by.

Conan the Barbarian (2011)

Here, we’re first introduced to the barbarian when he’s cut from his dying mother’s womb, by his father (the always great Ron Perlman), on the battlefield. Then we see him as a runty teenager taking a test with the other teenaged boys. When they run into some animalistic Picts they all flee, except Conan, who stays and slays them. He returns to his Cimmerian village carrying their four decapitated heads. It impresses his father. However, Conan is a little too zealous and when his father creates a special sword tells him he’s not ready for it. Then, their village is attacked by Khalar Zym, who is seeking to piece together a magical mask that will enable him to resurrect his sorceress wife so she can rule all of Hyboria and make him a living god.

Then, we go to the adult Conan, who has been traveling across the land and now have allies who sail a ship. One of the first things we see them do is free a slave colony since Conan says “No man should be a slave”. In a bar, he runs into one of the men who killed his father and allows himself to be captured and taken to a slave mine, so he can kill the guy and also find out where Khalar Zym is. The rest of the movie is basically a revenge tale, as he goes after him, killing monsters and warriors along the way. At one point he rescues Tamara (Rachel Nichols of Alias, Star Trek), a warrior monk who has something Khalar needs (He wants to put his dead wife’s spirit into her). In one of the film’s best scenes Marique, Khalar’s witch daughter (a freakish Rose McGowan), resurrects a bunch of zombie warriors from the sand, which Conan and Tamara have to defeat. And this wouldn’t be much of a Conan tales if there wasn’t a large, Cthuluesque beast, which there is.

My only complaint is that all the death and fighting sequences happen way too fast, particularly with the deaths of the villains, which made them anticlimactic. Although I liked the John Millius’ film version of Conan from the early 80’s I like this movie better, as it “feels” much more like Robert E. Howard’s pulp character. Jason Momoa fits the role better than Arnold ever did. At times I felt like I was watching the movie’s trailer, not the movie. However, I’d definitely return for a Conan sequel. Directed by Marcus Nispel (Pathfinder, Friday the 13th remake)

Concealment (2001)

Written, produced and directed by David Stewart, this movie is about a mysterious woman who shows up in Charlottesville, Virginia, and the local man who falls in love with her. He falls head over heels for her—and it seems as if her feelings are reciprocal, yet she refuses to tell him anything about her past. It’s as if she didn’t exist before she came to this town. But a particularly nasty man is after her, someone she stole quite a bit of money from—and once he shows up with his henchmen all becomes clear. Or does it? It’s always chancey when the writer/director of an independent film casts himself in the lead, but Dave Stewart had already shown us his acting chops in 23 Hours, and pulls off this role quite well. The lead actress is also quite good. A very well done film noirish thriller.

Condor, The  (2007)

Another new superhero like Mosaic created by legendary Stan Lee. This time it’s a young hispanic man who, with the assistance of a friend, dons a robotic costume after his legs are injured, to find out who killed his parents. There’s a snake-like villain and a legion of zombie-like victims who are turned into soldiers. I didn’t enjoy this quite as much as MOSAIC but liked it better than either The Invincible Iron Man or Ultimate Avengers 2.

Confinement (2005)

Director/Writer/Producer/Actor David Lee Stewart takes the scenario from the short story ‘The Most Dangerous Game’ and successfully expands upon it, creating a decent thriller which keeps the viewer hooked.A young guy (Stewart, who is also the main actor) awakens to find himself dressed in a blue outfit and in the middle of a deep forest. He wanders around, finding no sign of civilization, until he runs into a woman who is in the same circumstances as he. She’s shot in the head and he sees that it’s because of a hunter. It turns out that they are the prey and that this forest is a huge nature preserve-for humans. He runs into another survivor, an African-American who has managed to survive for years by hiding in a hidden cave. But there’s something not quite right about the guy, which is revealed when we’re shown how he’s survived-by eating the other humans in the preserve. We’re introduced to some of the hunters, in particular a crazy guy who hunts with a variety of knives rather than a rifle.I have to commend Stewart for not making this into another boring retread of ‘humans being the hunted’. The special effects are sparse but cool (those hovercrafts and the force-field) and the fight scenes well choreographed. You believe these people are really fighting. Confinement is one of the best true independent movies of 2005.

Congo (1995)

I haven’t watched this since I saw it during it’s theatrical release, so I think I was hoping it would be better than I remembered. No such luck. The premise is that a team of scientists are deep in the jungle of the Congo looking for a rare type of diamond, which could be the answer to their new communications system. They find the diamond but also something else....and then no one hears from them again. The head of the company sends Dr. Karen Ross (Laura Linney of Exorcism of Emily Rose) there to find out what happened. Meanwhile, a researcher wants to return his gorilla, Amy, back to the Congo. He has enabled her to speak with the help of a contraption that converts sign language to audible words. However, Amy is plagued by nightmares, which may have something to do with this eye in the jungle she keeps on painting. A Romanian philanthropist (Tim Curry) offers to pay for her return once he sees these paintings. He knows what the ape painted has to do with King Solomon’s Mines. It’s the eye of one of the statues. When the philanthropist runs out of money to pay for the flight to Africa, Dr. Ross offers to pay for it, as long as she can go along for the ride. Once in Africa they encounter a government coup and some potentially hostile natives. And the find the ruined city where the diamonds are. It’s guarded by these mean-looking, gray carnivorous apes.

I love the Michael Crichton book. However, this adaptation is lacking in several respects. The actors are all miscast and Tim Curry is just terrible. On the plus side Bruce Campbell gets killed off in the first few minutes. I am not a Bruce Campbell fan.

While the killer apes are pretty cool looking, Amy the gorilla is a bit too fake. And it doesn’t help that once they reach the ruined city it looks like a big set.

Conjure (2005)

Matt Busch, a commercial/pop-culture illustrator, goes to a nearby graveyard one day to find inspiration. He’s not entirely happy with his successful pop-culture career and seeks something more personal. He comes across the black and white photograph of an old South American Castle sitting on one of the tombstones. He takes it back home and quickly becomes obsessed with it. He paints a portrait of the building and keeps a journal with sketches of characters he envisions live within its walls. These characters, what appear to be female spirits, are extremely creepy looking. Then, Matt starts seeing these creatures for real. One night his motion-detector alarm goes off, informing him that someone is in his studio. Yet, when he goes to check it out no one is there. What he finds instead is this strange symbol on the floor, made up of his art utensils. This design reoccurs throughout the movie and has something to do with why he’s seeing these ghosts.Then, one day when he is showing his girlfriend, Sarah, his painting, they both end up IN IT, mysteriously transported to this made-up place. They check out the structure and see the weird decorations, which include everything from voodoo objects to paintings of Clint Eastwood and Ronald Reagen. Then, those nasty ghosts appear, chasing them. When Matt is down in the basement he figures that the only way to return to his own world is to complete that painting he was doing. As soon as he completes the last detail the couple find themselves back in his studio/house.But it’s not over. They’ve brought the creatures back with them-and they wish to kill. I won’t go into how they stop the monsters but it turns out to not be all that surprising if you’ve seen a lot of Twilight Zone episodes.Visually and technically, Conjure is a great example of how to put together a low-budget, independent movie. Director Matt Busch, well-known for his work as an artist (book covers, album covers, Star Wars, storyboard), wears many hats on the project. He’s producer, director, editor and star of the movie, similar to how Mick McCleery of ONE BY ONE VIDEO makes his videos. But unlike McCleery, Busch shouldn’t have acted in the movie for the simple fact that he isn’t an actor. Granted, it takes some cajones to portray yourself in a movie but I think in this case it backfired a bit. As a result the dialogue sounds like he and Sarah are simply saying their lines, not living them. I tend to be bias against a lot of voice-over, and the voice-overs explain way too much. I also wanted more psychological depth. The whole crux of the story is that Matt is unsatisfied with his successful career as an artist and wishes to create something personal, but he seems to enjoy it a great deal. I was saying to myself, ‘Huh?’ There’s no angst, no ‘darkside’ of him that presumably was responsible for those ‘inner demons’ haunting him. If he is unhappy, unsatisfied I think there would be some anger, some depression, some frustration, SOMETHING negative-and it isn’t there. Instead, you see Matt as a very upbeat sort of guy, which he is. Performances aside, Conjure is still worth checking out to see what good production values you can get on a digitally shot movie.

Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972)

Next to the first Planet of the Apes movie this is my favorite of the series. Caesar, the grown-up child of a time-travelling Zira and Cornelius is sought after by the government, as his ability to speak and reason is looked upon as a direct threat to mankind. After his friend Armando (Ricardo Montalban) is killed, he hides amongst the apes being trained in one of the conditioning centers, where they are taught to obey commands or suffer the consequences. He witnesses all of mankind’s cruelty and starts to influence his fellow primates to disobeying their human masters. In a twist of fate, Caesar is purchased by Governor Breck (Don Murray), who truly hates the apes-and he’s tortured into revealing that he is indeed the speaking ape that was conceived thousands of years in Earth’s future. Breck’s assistant, an African-American named MacDonald, helps Caesar fake his death-and in doing so allows the apes in San Diego to revolt, beginning the Planet of the Apes.

Constantine (2005)

I must say I was surprised that I enjoyed this movie as much as I did. Keanu Reeves is totally miscast as the Vertigo (DC) comics character John Constantine, yet the movie, in large part, captures the feel of those comic books. The antiChrist is going to be reborn and it’s up to him to prevent that from happening. Along for the ride is a female cop, whose dead twin sister is somehow involved in all of this. The special effects are great and the portrayal of Satan as this sort of slovenly goomba is both creepy and hilarious. Strangely, the plotline is very similar to those Prophecy movies starring Christopher Walken, as the angel Gabriel plays a large part in the events.Pretty much your typical overblown Hollywood adaptation.

Contact Blow (1997)

This feature is 1/3 espionage film, 1/3 Friday The 13th, and 1/3 free-for-all. Two foreign agents, one African, the other German, come to New York to meet their contact. Things get screwed up, the FBI becomes involved, and the two spies flee to the forests of Upstate New York where they stumble upon a cabin of women camp counselors, hitchhikers and innocent bystanders who get slaughtered in unique ways. If you’re looking for a straight-forward, predictable plot don’t look here—but if you want to see something a bit different from the norm, check it out.

Contagion (2001)

The President of the United States (Bruce Boxleitner of Tron, Babylon 5) is shot with a dart contaminated with a new, deadlier strain of the dreaded Ebola virus. He’s taken to a nearby hospital, as is an expert virologist (Megan Gallagher of the TV series Millenium, who has to find a cure for the disease. The terrorists want one-hundred million dollars deposited into their Swiss bank account or they’ll let the President die. To prove that they have a cure, they’ve left several vials of a temporary antidote hidden throughout the hospital. Soon, some of the people directly exposed to the disease start dying. Then, the worst happens-it becomes airborne. The scientist is in a race against time to find a cure, yet the only way a cure can be made is from the blood of someone who was already exposed to-and survived-the Ebola virus. Is this asking too much? Other than an extremely unlikely coincidence at the end of the movie, the story had me hooked and there’s good chemistry between stars Boxleitner and Gallagher.

Contagion (2011)

Beth Emhoff (Gwyneth Paltrow) returns from Hong Kong with flu-like symptoms. A few days later, once she’s home in Wisconsin, she goes into seizures. Her husband Mitch (Matt Damon) rushes her to the hospital but she dies. Then his step-son dies a few days later of the same thing. He’s not affected. The Center for Disease Control begins getting reports of clusters of people sick with this new virus and it’s quickly spreading. It’s estimated that 30-40% of the people who get this will die, so there will be massive casualties. It turns out that this is not a man-made virus but something that had occurred naturally.

The movie follows Damon’s character, as he tries to keep his teenaged daughter safe from exposure, Dr. Ellis Cheever (Laurence Fishburne), who works for the CDC, a blogger (Jude Law), who stirs up the public with hopes of a false cure, and Dr. Leonara Orantes, who is being held hostage in a small Chinese village, which wants a cure. Basically, there are tons of characters that we end of feeling very little connection to.

The high points of the movie are these deserted city landscapes and seeing Gwyneth Paltrow’s head sawed in half by a medical examiner. Contagion is one of the blah-est end of the world movies.

Contagious (1997)

A plane load of people returning to the States from South America eat shrimp contaminated with cholera. One of those passengers is a man smuggling cocaine wrapped in balloons inside his stomach. Right after he meets his contacts he starts convulsing and dies. They think one of the balloons ruptured and he had an overdose. The boss orders one of his lackeys to cut open his stomach and get the drugs. Days later that man dies of cholera as well. Lindsay Wagner (Bionic Woman) is the doctor who finds out that cholera is spreading throughout Los Angeles. She and her colleagues must find out where it originated and how it’s spreading. But because the viewer already knows where it came from there’s not a lot of suspense here. Elizabeth Pena (Jacob’s Ladder) is a policewoman trying to track down the cocaine dealers and Tom Wopatt (Dukes of Hazard) is Wagner’s new husband. Wagner is good in the part but the movie is somewhat lackluster. There are much much better disease movies out there.

Contaminated Man, The  (2001)

William Hurt portrays a scientist who pursues a man contaminated with a deadly man-made virus (Peter Weller of Robocop). The authorities believe the man is a terrorist but in truth he’s just a frustrated out of work employee who wants to see his family. Unfortunately, everyone he comes in contact with along the way dies in a matter of minutes. Hurt, who was alsocontaminated with the same virus years before (and is hence immune to it), is on a crusade to save the man.There’s also a somewhat half-hearted love story, an over the top bad guy who deserves what he gets and a suprisingly mediocre story we’ve all seen in killer plague type movies before.

Control (2004)

Ray Liotta (Something Wild, No Escape, Hannibal) portrays a violent murderer who is put to death by lethal injection. But when he wakes up some hours later, not dead, it’s explained to him that he has the option of living and being a test subject for a new behavior modifying drug. This drug, explains Willem Dafoe, will diminish his ultra-violent tendencies and make him feel compassion and remorse. It’s sort of a take on Flowers for Algernon, only with a serial killer rather than a retarded guy. This whole beginning is also far too much like the first Destroyer novel (which was made into a film as Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins).The first hour of the movie is engaging, during which time he’s able to assume a reasonably ‘normal’ life and even starts dating a woman (Michelle Rodriguez of Lost, Resident Evil). Yet it inevitably turns into your typical Hollywood movie with a predictable end and a supposed ‘life lesson’.

Control Factor (2002)

Adam Baldwin (My Bodyguard, tv series Chuck) portrays an insurance salesman who is nearly killed by a man who starts shooting people in his office. Just before the man is about to blow his brains out the man says his name-and is shot by a security guard. But Baldwin had never met the man before. He goes home, somewhat in a daze, and explains everything to his understanding wife, Elizabeth Berkley (Show Girls). She tells him to take the day off and recuperate. The next day he starts hearing voices telling him to kill his wife with a shotgun. He even has dreams in which he murders her. Is he going schizophrenic? Or is somebody trying to control his mind?It turns out to be the latter-a government agency who is randomly using him as a test subject for their mind control experiments. When he gets a computer CD in the mail from the guy who tried to kill him he goes to investigate, by going to the guy’s apartment. There is finds a bunch of high tech computer equipment and lots of recordings that the guy left. One of the people in the apartment building (Tony Todd) tells him that they’re being used for mind control experiments-and gives him a copper lined baseball hat to wear, explaining that it will block the control rays. But how will they stop the experiments? There are a few decent twists along the way. This was an interesting movie, reminding me a bit of John Carpenter’s They Live, with the mind-control story.

Convent, The (2000)

In 1959 Catholic school girl Christine marches into her school chapel, pulls out a sawed-off shotgun and starts blowing the nuns away. She then turns to Mother Superior, douses her in gasoline, and flicks her cigarette...cut to 40 years later where a group of college kids want to party in the closed up convent. There are some wanna-be satanists, who capture one the college kids and kill her-immediately making her body avaialable for possession by one of the demons. After this, it’s all a matter of the demons biting or scratching someone and then they turn into an ugly pusturing creature as well. The lone survivor is a girl, who runs to Christine’s house (after hearing all the urban legends about her) and begs for her help. Christine is tough and you get the sense she does this zombie bashing every few years. Adrienne Barbeau is great in the part. Unfortunately this all seems too familiar, like maybe a sequel to Night of the Demons or a more preppy version of The Evil Dead. So there are no big suprises, especially the ‘little one’ at the end of the movie. It made me groan in a bad way...

Convict 762(1997)

An all-woman crewed spaceship runs into some trouble and loses most of its fuel. The nearest place they can replenish their energy is a prison planet. But once they get there they find only two people left alive. One of them is an officer and the other is Convict 762, who had killed all two-hundred other prisoners that were on the planet. The problem is that the women have no idea which man is telling the truth.Then, the women start being killed and its up to the captain, who looks like a Natasha Henstridge clone, to get the fuel and get them out of there. In the end she makes a decision and helps one of the men on to her ship. She believes him to be the officer but after they have sex she sees the ‘762’ tattooed on his back. He chases her around the ship and she eventually kills him

Coraline (2009)

Coraline and her family have moved to an old house in the country and she’s bored. Her parents are crabby and too busy to give her much attention, so she starts exploring the neighborhood and meets a boy named Wybie. They become friends and he gives her a doll he found—a doll which looks exactly like her. Coraline finds a small door in her room and when she crawls through it comes to a world where her parents are happy to see her. The one thing different about them is that they have buttons instead of eyes—and they soon want to replace her eyes with buttons as well, something she definitely doesn’t want. However, things quickly become much more sinister and she finds out the truth about her “other mother” in this weird dimension. There’s lots of weirdness going on and some creepy images, such as all the humans with buttons for eyes. However, I started to get bored after a while. I thought Coraline just “okay”.

Core, The (2003)

This is the best disaster movie to come out in a long time, reminding me of those Irwin Allen epics from the 70’s. And the effects are great. The premise is that the Earth’s core has stopped spinning, which is causing the planet’s electromagnetic energy to disperse, in turn creating huge lightning storms and deadly holes in the atmosphere. The scientists know that all life will be destroyed within the next year. So they build a drilling vehicle that is able to travel to the Earth’s core, where the crew will drop off a series of nuclear bombs to make the core spin again. The ship is able to withstand the incredible temperatures because of a newly created metal compound, dubbed ‘unobtainium’. The crew itself consists of two shuttle pilots and four scientists. They encounter some odd things along the way and characters are killed off in horrible ways. I wasn’t sure who was going to survive to the end. Check it out.

Corn (2004)

Jena Malone (The Ruins) stars as Emily Rasmussen, a young woman who is pregnant with an illegitimate child, who returns home to her family’s farm. Her mother had died, so she’s there with her father - and there’s definitely some potential incestuous vibes there. Their farm raises sheep and the herd starts acting strange because of a strange new weed which is growing in the neighbors corn crop. It’s an experimental crop, able to resist pesticides, but it also created this new plant, which the sheep love to eat - and which causes them to get violent. It also seems to be killing the children of women who have eaten the sheep meat. The movie goes back and forth from the scientists who created the corn to what’s going on with Emily. I liked the first half of the movie, as it seemed to be building up to something horrific, like Isolation, but halfway through it turned into much more of a crusade type of movie in which Emily is warning everyone that the sheep are poison.

Coroner, The (1996)

A young woman lawyer is kidnapped by a serial killer and tortured in his basement. He’s this irritating, pudgy guy who talks far far too much. After he cuts off her finger she escapes-runs out of his basement, up the stairs and out of his house-only to get almost hit by a car. She’s taken to the police station and tells her story. Only no one believes her. She takes the police to the house she escaped from and it turns out to be the city coroner’s house. He says he has no idea who she is and pleads innocence. Since the cops all know him they think the woman is insane.I watched this the same night I watched Hospital of Terror —and both movies have the exact same ending!

Corpse Bride, The (2005)

Although the animation and characters are very much like The Nightmare Before Christmas, this Tim Burton produced movie is nowhere near as entertaining. A young man, who is to be married to a woman he’s only just met, fumbles up at the wedding rehearsal so goes out in the nearby woods and says his lines. By accident he puts the ring on the potruding hand of a corpse (which looks like wood), says his vows-and she comes to life. The rest of the movie is him deciding on whether to stay with his ripe bride or marry the woman he’s been set up with-who is realizes he loves. The musical numbers that take place in the ‘underworld’ are entertaining, particularly the singing skeletons, and the maggot ‘side-kick’ that lives inside the Corpse Bride’s head is hilarious-and sounds like Peter Lorre.I think the movie’s biggest problem is that the plot can be summed up in one line-and most of the movie feels like it’s being padded, though the entire running time is 75 minutes!

Corpse Grinders 2, The  (2000)

Ted V. Mikel’s sequel to his 70’s Drive-in movie concerns the efforts of an alien race of cat people trying to secure food for their planet—and the best food they can find is, of course, Lotus Catfood. The infamous catfood company is now run by the nephews of the original Corpse Grinders (one who looks just like the late Chris Farley) and they are up to the same fatal antics. There’s some cool computer animation effects, a decent enough Corpse Grinding machine and plenty of pointed alien cat ears.

Corpses are Forever (2003)

Jose Prendes’ second feature, Corpses Are Forever is unique and impressive, like a cross between Angel Heart and Dawn of the Dead with a good dose of weirdness thrown in. Shot in a mixture of 35mm color and black and white film, it’s about a secret agent who must relive someone else’s life in order to figure out why the gates to hell have opened and allowed the dead to walk the earth. There’s also an all-star cast, including Brinke Stevens, Don Calfa (Return of the Living Dead), Debbie Rochon (Bleed, The Bog People), and Felissa Rose (Sleepaway Camp). Richard Lynch (Invasion USA, Alligator 2) is absolutely great as the army commander. The movie starts off with the black and white sequence, with director/star Prendes, looking very much like Dario Argento and speaking in a English accent, trying to find the person who kidnapped his four-year-old son. He encounters some strange characters, portrayed by Conrad Brooks and Linnea Quigley. Then, he wakes up in color, and there are zombies walking all about him. After making his way through a warehouse of the undead, he eventually gets taken to what seems to be a government base and told what’s going on. But will he be able to uncover the truth and stop the end of the world? I think this is the best zombie/spy thriller I’ve ever seen.

Countdown (1967)

This speculative movie about the first man landing on the moon features James Caan (Alien Nation, Misery) as the determined astronaut and Robert Duvall as his trainer. When it’s learned that the Russians have sent a rocket with three astronauts the United States speeds up its program, called ‘Pilgrim’. According to the plan a lone man will be launched to the moon-and then will search for a lifepod that’s already been sent there. Once seeing its red beacon he’ll land and be able to spend as long as several months there, until the next exploration crew arrives. There are some tense moments when there are some technical difficulties and when the astronaut decides to land his module, even though he hasn’t seen the life pod. He wanders about, with only two hours of oxygen left and finds the Russian crew crash-landed and dead. Will he make it? Directed by Robert Altman.

Coven (1997)

In this 40 minute black and white film, Mike, a drug dependent, alcohol soaked writer, reluctantly joins a support group to help deal with his ‘problem’. He does this at the urging of a friend. While at first these meetings seem like your typical A.A meeting things start getting a little weird when hooded figures start attacking him, which may or may not be a part of his substance abused state of mind. And as he goes to the meetings, unwilling to participate and often stealing away to the bathroom to take a few drinks, the participant’s monologues become more disturbing and not exactly helpful. He soon connects the hooded figures with the group, who he thinks will never let him leave. It eventually ends with a violent and bloody encounter. The grainy black and white photography and starkness of the Wisconsin landscape emphasize Mike’ alienation and paranoia and the casting of ‘The Coven’ hits the nail on the head. After watching this you’ll think twice about going to any self help group. Especially if you’re paranoid....

The Covenant, The (2006)

At the start, it’s explained that there are four surviving “witch” families in New England-and then we’re introduced to the four high school seniors who are the newest generation. They first received powers when they were thirteen years old, but when they turn eighteen they will “ascend”, which means they’ll receive the rest of the magical powers. But this power has a price-the more you use the magic the more it drains your body, so that it can prematurely age them if over-used. Unfortunately, this happened to the lead character’s father, who is only 44 yrs but looks a hundred.

The primary story centers around Caleb Danvers (Steven Strait), who will be the first of his group to “ascend”. He meets Sarah (Laura Ramsey of The Ruins), the new girl at their prep school, and they immediately fall for each other. Around this time another new kid appears, who just happens to be the last descendent of a fifth family, a family thought to have been killed off over three hundred years before. But no one had told him about the magic or that the more he uses it the more he becomes addicted to it. He’s so addicted that he can’t stop himself-and he wants to absorb the power of Caleb.

This movie, from the producers of the Underworld movies, is far better than I thought it would be. Directed by Renny Harlin, who more than makes up for his Exorcist prequel.

Covenant: The Brotherhood of Evil (2006)

A dumpy looking Edward Furlong (Terminator 2) plods along this predictable, poor-man’s version of The Devil’s Advocate, with Chandra West (Life for a Day, White Noise) on hand to add some eye-candy to the proceedings.

Okay... first, the casting is totally wrong. Not for one instant is Furlong convincing as some type of top executive. And all his lines are delivered with the same enthusiasm-none! The story is also familiar, as it’s your typical “Sell-your-soul-to-the-devil” scenario. The only thing this flick has going for it are the supernatural/demon effects. Oh, and this is another movie Michael “I will be in anything” Madsen is in.

Cowboys &  Aliens (2011)

In 1873, in Arizona, an amnesiac outlaw (Daniel Craig of Dream House, The Golden Compass) finds himself face to face with some bounty hunters (they have Indian scalps dangling from their saddles). He guns them down with this bracelet weapon he has locked on his arm. Then, he goes into the nearby town and people recognize him as wanted man Jake Longergan. He had stolen some gold from a rich rancher, Woodrow Dolarhyde (Harrison Ford) but what happened after that is a blank for him. The first forty-five minutes sets up the whole Western scenario, introducing such people as Dolarhyd’s sleazy son, Doc (Sam Rockwell), the sheriff (Keith Carradine) and Ella Swenson (Olivia Wilde), who may know what happened to Lonergan. So, when the aliens appear it’s almost as an afterthought. The aliens are after the same thing humans in the West are after—gold, and have this huge mining ship in the mountains. They look similar to the aliens in both Super 8 and Falling Skies, which makes sense since they are all produced by Steven Spielberg.

It was sort of amazed at how boring this movie was. I think it’s a case of “too many cooks in the kitchen” as there are eight writers involved. Also, there are a few scenes that make no sense—such as when the aliens fry an entire herd of cattle for no apparent reason or when one of the characters resurrects after being set on fire—but dies a few scenes later.  COWBOYS & ALIENS is perhaps the most disappointing movie of the Summer of 2011...

Crack in the World (1965)

A scientist, Dr. Steven Sorenson (Dana Andrews), who is gung-ho about geothermal energy, plans to tap into the Earth’s molten core. But in order to do this he has to explode a nuclear missile in order to poke a hole into the mantle. He thinks this can be controlled but another scientist, Dr. Ted Rampion, fears that it will crack the Earth like an egg. Rampion used to date Sorenson’s wife, Dr. Maggie Sorenson, so there is some history between them. She assures her husband that there’s no longer anything between them and even wants to have his child. But he knows he can’t—he’s been exposed to too much radiation from the Earth and so the kid would be damaged. And the doctor at the facility tells him that he only has a short time to live. So instead of confiding all this in his young wife he becomes an asshole and pushes her away—into the arms of Ted. At first the experiment seems like a success but then there are earthquakes, volcanoes exploding and massive loss of life. The earth is indeed cracking and it’s a race against time to explode another bomb to stop it before it splits the planet in half.

This is as exciting as any Irwin Allen disaster movie and the sets and special effects are impressive, especially for the time period in which it was made. Highly recommended.

Cradle (2007)

The only thing positive I can say about this movie is that actor Lukas Haas is a decent enough actor and he tries his damnest to bring some oommph to this dreary and boring ghost/suspense movie. The premise is that he moves into an old fixer upper with his newborn baby and depressed wife - and she’s unable to bond with the child. In fact, she can’t even pick the kid up or be around him. The majority of the movie is him worrying if she’s going to harm the baby, if the baby is going to be forgotten somewhere - or if he will do something by accident to jeopardize the baby’s life. I suppose this movie is a nightmare for new parents, who should probably avoid watching it along with everyone else.

Craig (2007)

Craig is an average guy who just happens to kill people when he’s angry with them. The movie starts with him dealing with the death of his parents, who were killed in a fire. Later, in a scene in which his dead, mutilated father talks to him, it’s reaffirmed that he did indeed killed his folks. Craig is humiliated by a woman swim teacher at the gym where he’s a custodian and later kills her by drowning her in the same pool. A police detective who looks like Michael Berryman suspects that Craig may be the killer after his fingerprint is found on a hooker’s dead body, but the police are slow in apprehending him. Then, he meets an ideal woman over the internet and goes out with her for dinner. They immediately hit it off, though she does most of the talking, and they sleep together. The next day she calls and breaks up with him, saying “it just doesn’t feel right”. At this point he really snaps and cries like a baby. He kidnaps her, takes her out in the woods and lets her have a head start for the chase. It’s like The Most Dangerous Game. This doesn’t really make much sense because she’s in much better shape than flabby Craig, yet he manages to get ahead of her. The detective has also followed him out there for an eventual showdown.

Craig is a good character study of a serial killer and it’s always interesting to see a flick where the main character has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Directed by Kim Sonderholm.

Crash! (1978)

A thirty-something blonde woman, Kim (Sue Lyon), purchases a weird-looking small statue at a fleamarket from a creepy guy (Reggie Nalder of Salem’s Lot). She thinks that her husband Marc (Jose’ Ferrer) would like it for his collection, since he studies ancient statues.But when she arrives home she sees that he’s watching old home movies of them playing tennis together and being happy—and now he’s in a wheelchair because of a car accident in which she was driving. He blames her for his misery and wants her to be as happy. He tells her to leave, which she does, and ends up taking the statue with her. As she drives away he sends his pet doberman to attack her. It jumps into her convertible, mauls her, and she crashes. She somehow gets up and starts walking until someone finds her and takes her to a hospital, where she remains in a catatonic state. And she’s clutching that weird sculpture in her first, refusing to let go of it. Next, her car is seen driving around and causes another car to crash, then destroys a police car that is after it. The car is driving by itself.

Her husband hears on the radio that his hated wife might be alive, so he sneaks over to the hospital, goes to her room and pulls out the IV’s and unhooks the breathing machine without anyone witnessing this. This doesn’t kill her, though. The statue is somehow giving her power. When she wakes up from her coma she can’t remember her previous life at all and is taken in by a kindly nurse while she recuperates. It’s only a matter of time until she regains her memory. A detective investigating her accident sketches a drawing of her statue and takes it to the anthropology department of a nearby University, thinking that it may somehow hold a key to her identity. John Carradine looks at it and tells him that it is of Akaza, an ancient Hittite diety of death and revenge (that also loves to drive convertibles).

Crash! is a really strange film. On one hand it’s a possession movie, and those scenes when her eyes turn white and she moves stuff around are unnerving. This is, of course, intercut with the rather random scenes of the drive-itself convertible causing numerous car accidents. These are are all shown again for a second time, in a lengthy montage sequence, towards the end of the movie. I think this was just so the producers could get their money’s worth for all those car sequences. Directed by Charles Band.

Crawlers, The (1993)

This is probably the best bloodsucking mutant killer vine movie I’ve ever seen....a small rural town, in the shadow of a huge chemical company, is infested with SOMETHING that scurries along the ground in ample POV shots. When the first victim, a young woman passing through town, is examined the doctor proclaims that she’s so radioactive it’s ‘as if she was dipped in uranium’. Even though he’s standing two feet away from her corpse he doesn’t seem all that concerned about any danger, which really sets the tone for the rest of the movie. On hand is the local alchoholic who redeems himself by discovering the source source of the creatures, the evil head of the chemical company who shoots himself in the head rather than face the authorities, a forgettable leading lady who’s greatest acting taleant is smiling a lot, and of course the killer vines themselves, which is a truly pathetic special effect.

Crawling Brain, The (2002)

Ron Ford’s newest movie is a fun homage to those 50’s and 60’s mad scientist movies (like The Frozen Dead). Two divergent brothers, visiting their bedridden grandmother (Silent film star Anita Page!) discover that she’s been housing the brain of a Nazi scientist in her basement. It lives in an aquarium and is surrounded by Nazi paraphernalia. The brain takes over one of the brothers (Randal Malone) and has him continuing the brain/spine transplants, preparing for the time when he can find a suitable body for his brain. The evil brain also has to feed—and in its mutated form can scurry about like a snake (brain with spinal cord attached). It then stabs it’s pointed tale/spine into the victim’s neck and drains the spinal fluid from them. There’s not a boring moment, there’s boobs, and there’s plenty of gore. Recommended.

Crazies, The (1973)

An army created virus is unleashed, by accident, upon a small Pennsylvania town, either killing the victims or making them hopelessly insane. The entire town is cordoned off by the military, yet one man and a group of his friends try to break through. One by one they all become infected, except for him, as he might have an immunity. Back at the military outpost a scientist desperately tries to discover an antidote as even the soldiers start becoming infected. This is not Romero’s best. It’s sort of like a zombie movie and the film has a downbeat ending like Night of the Living Dead, though not that movie’s suspense. You’ll also see some familiar faces from a few other of the director’s films.

Crazies, The (2010)

I don’t think there’s any good reason to have re-made the George Romero movie.

Yes, it’s bigger in scope, has more violence and special effects, but it’s basically the same thing. Then again, so is any movie about a virus outbreak, some to think of it, from Warning Sign to Quarantine. I think my biggest problem is that they cast Timothy Olyphant as the sheriff and main character. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a perfectly good actor and was great in Hitman, Diehard 4 and A Perfect Getaway, but he has that crazy vibe already so what’s the point of waiting him to turn into a more crazy person?

The premise is that the townspeople of Ogden Marsh are going insane and it’s from a military plane that crashed in the local river, where the town gets its drinking water. In the first day alone the sheriff has three deaths—then the military quickly moves in, isolating the town. He’s’ separated from his wife, who is taken with the contaminated people, but she’s pregnant and so her symptoms—an increased body temperature—make it seem that she has the virus. Or does she really have the virus. There’s a harrowing scene when she’s strapped to a stretcher along with a bunch of other people and one of the crazies walks in and starts stabbing everyone with a pitch fork. It’s all routine as we watch the sheriff, his wife and the going-insane deputy try to make it out of town and to safety. I even expected that big bomb solution at the end. But when a movie begins with the town being spied on by satellites you know there’s no escape for anyone, no matter where they go. So, that zapped a lot of the suspense for me.

I wasn’t so crazy about this routine remake.

Crazy Eights (2007)

It takes a lot of talent to make this ensemble of actors, which includes Dina Meyer (Saw III) and Frank Whaley (Vacancy) look like a bunch of lost first year acting students and Crazy Eights succeeds in doing just that.

Take your typical group of dysfunctional people with a “terrible secret” and put them in an abandoned mental hospital with a crazed ghost-entity and see what happens. You can pretty much guess. The primary thing that irritated me is that the story hinges on what happened to these characters twenty-years ago, when they were kids, but all these actors are nearer to forty than thirty years old. It’s also quite boring.

There’s no need to see this flick unless you’re into some self-punishing.

Creature (2012)

A woman, swimming in a pond, gets attacked by something we think at first is an alligator. She drags herself out—missing her legs up to her ass. Then, we go to the usual group of college-aged kids who are on a trip. They drop by a roadside store and there’s a display about “Lockjaw”, which is the South’s version of Bigfoot. It’s an alligator man.

One of the guys tell the story about the locals becoming sterile because of inbreeding—but the young girl is killed by an alligator. Grimly tracks down the creature, a huge albino alligator and kills it with his bare hands. But his mind has snapped—and he begins eating the leftover human remains. Legend has it that he starts transforming into a monster. In the present, the locals, led by Sid Haig (Beyond Atlantis, The Devil’s Rejects) worship the creature and feed it tourists. Creature is a touch Wrong Turn crossed with The Alligator People. And the rubber suited creature is cool looking.

Creature of the Walking Dead (1964)

What a weird movie. It seems to be parts of a Mexican shot horror movie combined with newer shot footage to explain what’s going on.A scientist named Dr. Malthus discovers a way to produce everlasting life by taking the blood from human victims. He’s caught by the authorities and his hanged for murder. A few generations later his grandson, also a scientist, comes across his lab books and proceeds to continue his experiments. In fact, he goes and digs up his grandfather and brings him back to life with this process. But the grandfather is crazy, which the grandson soon sees. But before he can stop him the elder Dr. Malthus locks him up in a hidden cell beneath the house and takes his place (they are played by the same actor so they look alike) so he can get his victims and his fresh blood plasma. Every so often the movie will cut to a scene where detectives are talking about the murders or someone is explaining (heavy-handedly) what’s going on. In 95% of the story of Dr. Malthus there is just the omniscient voice-over (from the younger Dr. Malthus) and the actors, particularly the women victims, do appear to be Mexican. This is one of those movies that’s so bad it kind of hypnotizes you into watching it. You just can’t believe it!

Creature Unknown (2005)

Chase Masterson is quite good here (and looks hot in leather, riding a motorcycle), portraying sort of the opposite of her Leeta character from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. She’s a scientist who has created a man/lizard hybrid in hopes of defeating death, but the creature has gotten away and starts killing people out in the countryside.

A group of friends, who have not seen each other since the death of one of their peers years before, reunite at the cabin where he was last seen alive. Unfortunately, this is near where the creature is stalking. Maggie Grace (Lost, Fog remake) is a beautiful actress but can’t act worth a damn (hint, someone cast her in a movie as a deaf-mute or something, it’ll improve her performance). The makeup effects of the lizard man are good, as should be expected as effects artist Mark Burchett directed the movie but as is the case with the majority of low-budget horror movies nowadays, the script is lacking.

Creep (2005)

Creep is an effective horror movie, in the vein of The Hills Have Eyes and Texas Chainsaw Massacre with a bit of C.H.U.D. thrown in. A young woman (Franka Potente of the Anatomy movies) falls asleep while waiting for a subway train in London and is locked in for the night. A train eventually comes but it is empty-and little does she know that the conductor is murdered. Also aboard this train is a male acquaintance she just blew off at a party-and attempts to rape her. In the midst of this a side door opens and he’s quickly dragged out by his feet, screaming as if being eaten alive. Freaked, she gets out of the train and runs through the tunnel to the nearest platform. Something is after her. She befriends a homeless couple who live in one of the walls, though they are attacked-as is one of the station guards who might have been her last hope for rescue. She eventually finds herself captured and held prisoner in this weird underground sewage treatment area, where she encounters another survivor, a sewer worker we saw at the beginning of the movie. It turns out that the deformed villain was the product of some mysterious experiment conducted underground, and the lab is kept as a sort of shrine to all the other deformed children kept in bottles. He also feeds the rats his leftovers. Creep is an on-the-edge-of-your-seat thriller, a cut (and spear) above the majority of the recent horror releases.

Creep, The (2001)

The Creep is a cool little movie (60 minutes), a homage to those 50’s/60’s B-Movie thrillers. The film is introduced by host Forrest J. Ackerman, as Dr. Acula, setting up the tone for what is to follow. The Creep (Rodney Lee) is a psychopathic character with moppy hair, bad teeth and unpleasant body odor. In the first ten minutes he gets two teenage kids in a car accident when he hides in their backseat, kicks a blind man and steals his money, and kills a dog with a brick. On Halloween he even steals candy from kids! His dirty deeds escalate to murder when he stabs an innocent bystander with an ice-pick. The police track him to his lair-an underground cave-and find some decapitated heads. But can they catch him before he kills some more? The filmmakers did a great job with making this look like a flick from the 50’s, with black and white images, use of vintage vehicles and good production values all around. What I liked best is that they didn’t treat this as a spoof.

Creepies (2006)

This is one of the more hilarious horror spoofs in recent years, about giant spiders invading Los Angeles. When the movie starts off with a giant rubber tarantula (like the kind you can buy at a Halloween Story) destroying a fake miniature city, being fired upon by miniature helicopters & eventually crashes into the Hollywood sign, you immediately know what to expect the remainder of the movie. The spiders seem to be a part of some biological weapons experiment and in two separate instances their containers get opened. Some of them look like regular tarantulas, some are computer generated, but my favorites are the ones who are intelligent and look like the Zanti aliens from that old Outer Limits Episode, The Zanti Misfits. When they escape from their container to find themselves in a music studio they say something like “We were forced to listen to bad cover bands for weeks-kill the humans!”.

This is an extremely ambitious movie, a modern version of a 50’s giant monster flick that works. Creepies could indeed be legitimate sequel to The Giant Spider Invasion. Directed by Jeff Leroy

Creepshow 3 (2007)

This is a good horror anthology, far better than how I thought it would be as it’s a sequel “in name only”, with no association of either George Romero or Stephen King (Taurus Entertainment bought the rights to the title of this and Day of the Dead, in case you’re wondering how this came about). There are six different stories and they all interconnect in ways I thought was clever. There’s the tale of a teenaged girl who is transported to alternate realities by her father’s new universal remote control, a radio that tells a sad sack guy what to do, a hooker serial killer who meets her match and a peculiar old scientist whose experiments/inventions influence the other stories. This almost redeems the filmmakers from making Day of the Dead: Contagion (2005). Almost.

Crime Traveller (1997)

I found this somewhat disappointing, as the majority of the BBC sci-fi shows I’ve been viewing lately are quite good. This is mediocre. The premise is that the Science Officer of a police station has a working time machine, which was left to her by her scientist father. She helps her friend—and detective—to help solve crimes. The first episode has them nabbing two different killers. The time machine itself is a collection of machinery in one of her apartment’s rooms and it transports anything in that room backwards in time. They can’t go forward in time because it doesn’t exist yet. I’m a sucker for time-travel stories but Crime Traveller is neither fun nor interesting.

Crimson Code, The (1999)

Someone is killing the serial killers and one detective (Patrick Muldoon) starts investigating these strange homicides, accompanied by his woman partner (Cathy Moriarty). He is part of an organization called S.K.A.T.-Serial Killer Apprehension Team. He tracks down a serial killer known as ‘The Silencer’ (A shaven-headed C.Thomas Howell), who works at a flowershop- and suspects this man will be the next victim. It turns out that it’s not just a serial killer doing all of this-it is the people he works with, who have turned vigilante. The captain of the team (Thom Thomerson) wants him to join them-but after he sees them cold-bloodedly kill an unarmed man, he has second thoughts. So they try to permanently silence him. They also kill his mentor (Fred Ward), who has been helping him via the computer. There are a few unexpected double crosses, such as his partner being one of the vigilantes. There are better serial killer killer movies out there, like Hunting Humans, but this is worth seeing just for the good cast.

Crimson Force (2005)

C.Thomas Howell (The Amazing Spiderman, The Hitcher) is the commander of a corporate funded Mars expedition. He and his crew crash land near one of the ‘pyramids’ and discover that it is actually a real pyramid. A door opens and the go inside, to be soon attacked by these Stargate-looking warriors. Some of the astronauts are killed, others are captured by two different societies. Howell is befriended by the Martian queen, who looks like the zombie chick from Return of the Living Dead 3, as do all the others with their facial scars and piercings. They discover that humans are the result of Martians who had cross-breeded with Neanderthals and that there will either be an alliance between the two worlds-or an invasion.The underground city and forests are cool but I found the whole story a bit too stereotypical, like something from a 30’s Pulp magazine, which is fine if that is what this movie is supposed to be.

Crimson Heather (2000)

Although helmed on a miniscule budget Joe Sherlock’s recent double feature never fails to entertain. In Lust of the Vampire Hookers lonely gumby type guys are being killed by frumpy prostitutes who are, of course, vampires. In Crimson Heather, the title vampire is stalked by two vampire hunters who get more than they bargained for.

Crimson Kisses (2000)

Two vampire women (Jenny Isaacs and Summer Sinclair) lure unsuspecting young victims into their home for sex—and death. The movie consists of a series of episodic scenes of the various victims and sexual situations, such as when a massage therapist (Moses) is invited over. He ends up having sex with his client—and his throat torn out. Directed by Gregory Cabot.

Crocodile (2001)

Of the recent slew of giant killer animal movies roaming Blockbuster Video, this is one of the better ones. A group of college kids decide to take a houseboat on a weekend trip and they accidently come across the destroyed nest of a giant egyptian crocodile. The night before two redneck fisherman came across it and destroyed all but one of the eggs and paid the price. When the houseboaters comes across the nest they take the only unharmed egg—and the killer croc follows them, ultimately killing all but three and destroying the boat. The animatronic effects by KNB effects are decent and believable but the computer effects are cartoonish—and the melding of the two is extremely jarring. The animatronic creature effects are realistic while the computer effects are too fast. The performances are believable and actress Caitlin Martin, the female lead, is great. She’s someone to keep an eye on. Directed by Tobe Hooper.

Crocodile 2: Death Swamp (2002)

This sequel is a very different story from part 1. In fact, the killer crocs don’t even appear until halfway through the movie. But that’s okay, since the story about some really stupid criminals who hi-jack a plane is fairly amusing. They accidently shoot the pilot and the plane crashes in a swamp where the big reptiles live. Now, the surviving passengers and crooks have to survive as they are eaten one by one. Decent effects.

Cromwell (2008)

Ronald Cromwell is a serial killer who has a lot of sexual/emotional problems which ultimately end in him killing someone. Basically, he goes from acting violent to acting like a baby—and everything in between. While I kind of found the whole serial killer aspect somewhat cliche, I did like the shooting style and the editing of the movie, which makes for a surreal experience. Directed by Jonathan Anderson

Cross of the Seven Jewels (1987)

In Italy a man’s jewelled cross is stolen by some thieves and he must try to get it back before the next full moon. Otherwise, without its protection, he will turn into a werewolf. Of course, he doesn’t get it back in time and changes into this really weird looking wolf man. In the tradition of Lon Chaney in The Wolfman, the protagonist here is a victim, not wanting to transform into a killing beast. It turns out that his mother was a satanist and a curse was put upon her child—and the cross is the only thing that prevents the evil from escaping.

Crow 4: The Wicked (2005)

This time the story takes place out West, on an Indian reservation, and involves a bunch of cons who go by the names of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They kill a guy and his girlfriend and the bad leader’s crazy girlfriend (Tara Reid) cuts out her eyes. The leader (David Boreanez of Angel) cuts out the guy’s heart, which shows what a mean ass he is. They dump the bodies, but of course the guy comes back for revenge. Blah Blah Blah...

Whose ever idea it was to cast Edward Furlong as The Crow should be bludgeoned. He looks like the Wicked Witch of the West with too much mascara. And overall, the cheapness of the production, along with all the painfully bad acting, only remind us why the original film was so good in the first place. Indeed, this is like making a copy of a copy of a copy...

Crowley  (2009)

This odd movie has the same idea as Caprica, with a computer program able to gather information about a person and create a persona from it. In this case it’s the personality of Satanist Aleister Crowley, which is downloaded into a virtual reality program created by teacher Joshua Mathers. When a shy, stuttering professor named Haddo (Simon Callow) dons the suit to try out the program, this personality takes him over—and he starts doing very very bizarre things. Of course, everyone notices the difference but they just think he’s flipped out.

What Crowley intends to do is execute an occult ritual and in doing so people start dying. The one who is in the most danger is Mather’s love interest, graduate student Lia. Lia is also a campus newspaper reporter and digs herself into trouble with Haddo/Crowley, so it’s up to Mathers to save her. In the end some time-travel is involved, which doesn’t quite make sense, unless you reason the entire story happened in ‘virtual reality’. Which indeed may be the point.

Cruel & Unusual (2002)

Interesting serial killer movie, casting Tom Berenger (The Substitute) as a drifter who gets women to fall in love with him and then kills them. After he kills a young woman in the opening scene he changes his appearance and starts hitching. One of the drivers who picks him up is a college professor on his way to a writing retreat at a light house—and he kills the man and assumes his identity. He’s fairly adept at blending in to the small fishing town community and soon becomes interested in a local woman. Her brother, coincidently, is working with him during the summer at that lighthouse. Berenger starts infiltrating their lives, assuming the role that the sibling’s deceased father played in their upbringing...he beat the son and had sex with the daughter....and all this familiarity is bringing back a lot of not so good feelings. Even Berenger is having flashbacks—revealing why he kills people. Although the movie follows the typical serial killer plot there are decent performances and it effectively reveals the psychology of all the dysfunctional characters.

Cry Wolf (2005)

When this movie was released at the theaters they advertised the crap out of it, which is a warning if there ever is one... A group of coed prep-school students who made up a game, where one of them is ‘The Wolf’ and all the others are sheep, decide to make it more real. They start spreading rumors, through the internet, that a killer loose on campus. They even come up with ways that students will be killed. The main character is this English transfer student, who was expelled from his previous schools. Jon Bon Jovi portrays a teacher who is having an affair with one of the students-and who may also turn out to be the killer. Everything is rather drawn out and predictable, the characters are irritating and there’s very little gore or violence. This ‘re-imagining’ of the slasher genre has more in common with the Cruel Intentions series than it does any sort of horror movie.

Crying Freeman (1995)

Mark Dacascos, who portrayed Eric Draven on the television series The Crow, plays the unwilling assassin who must carry out his orders to kill. On one such job he accidently comes across painter Julie Condra —and because she witnessed the slaying and saw his face-she must be destroyed. But he can’t do it. In fact, he falls in love with her. This causes much friction between him and his associates and he must decide what to do. This movie has a strong John Wu influence and decent enough script.

Cube 2: Hypercube (2003)

A lot of Canadian actors awaken and find themselves in cube shaped rooms. These rooms all look exactly alike. Once the half dozen or so characters meet up and are introduced, they try to figure out what’s going on. Why are they in these cubes? What did they do to be thrown in here? Some think it’s because they worked on a secret government project. This movie isn’t as creepy as the first CUBE but it is more interesting and there aren’t any dull scenes. Instead of traps these rooms can have different properties, able to cause time shifts and also create alternate realities. One characte repeatedly kills another character throughout the second half of the movie—in order to eat him! There’s also an explanation as to what the Cube is and why it’s being developed.

Cube Zero (2005)

This pre-quel to Cube is the goriest of the three Cube movies. The film starts off with one of the worst ways a person can go, via an acid shower. Nasty. But instead of staying within the various cubes the audience is introduced to the workers whose job is to observe and document the survivors within the maze. A sense of dread is created as they realize that they are little better off than those people they are watching. They exist in a strange, future society, where everything seems to be an experiment.One of the two men falls for a woman he’s been observing and goes so far as to enter the cubes and try to rescue her. After he finds her and looks for a way to escape, he comes across the dead bodies of former co-workers and realizes that this probably would have been his fate anyway.The ending, as with much of the movie, is a downer. Yet, it ties in well with a character from the first Cube movie, so there is a sense of continuity between the two. If you enjoyed the other two parts then you have to see this. It’s different enough from the other two so that it’s not redundant.

Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The  (2009)

Basically, this is David Fincher making his version of Forrest Gump—and I didn’t like Forrest Gump all that much to begin with. It’s basically a three-hour-long overblown Hollywood movie with A-list actors doing a script that’s supposed to be about everything but is really about nothing. And didn’t I see this whole idea of someone being born old and aging backwards on the second season of Mork & Mindy, with Jonathan Winters?

However, I did find it interesting at how realistic they were able to make a 90 year old looking Brad Pitt and a twenty-year old Cate Blanchett. Those computer effects are amazing even if the movie isn’t.

Curse of Dracula (2004)

When I saw this on the video store shelves I thought ‘Great, a new Dracula movie’. Was I ever disappointed. Instead of a new Dracula tale the producers decided to make ANOTHER version of the Bram Stoker novel, only this time updating it to the present time, which simply doesn’t work. Jonathan Harker is a real estate agent on business in Budapest with his girlfriend Mina and several of his friends. Harker is approached by Vlad Tepes (Patrick Bergin (Highway to Hell, Frankenstein, Sleeping with the Enemy) to coordinate the selling of his old estate and belongings in Romania and purchase a new abode in Budapest. He can’t refuse because the count offers him a great deal of money. Harker goes to Romania, crashes his car in the woods and is picked up by a horse & carriage, which takes him to the Count’s home. The usual stuff happens here-the count seems friendly one moment, threatening the next-and then when Harker is asleep the three vampire brides try to feed upon him. Then, Harker finds himself locked within the castle.When he eventually returns to his fiance and friends he’s silent about what happened, dismissing it as a bad dream. But the count starts seducing Lucy, Mina’s friend, and turns her into a vampire. We are also introduced to Dr. Seward, who runs the local mental asylum, Renfield the crazy patient, and Van Helsing (Giancarlo Gianinni of Hannibal), who is an old associate of the Doctor. The Renfield character really has nothing to do with any thing that goes on and Van Helsing is weakly portrayed, very much a side character. In the end Mina ends up getting bitten by the count and taken away-and just as she seems to be on his side she stakes him in the heart. He falls to the ground, dies and turns to dust in a bad computer effect. And then the movie ends on a very predictable, stupid ‘cliffhanger’, alluding that the story isn’t over. This is a movie that should never have been made—don’t even bother renting it.

Curse of El Charro, The (2005)

Four-college girls go on a trip together, mostly to party and pick up guys, but unfortunately one of them is cursed by a ghost/zombie who goes by the name of El Charro. The weirdest thing is that he bleeds when he’s injured-but he looks like a dried out husk who doesn’t have an ounce of water in him. As supernatural slasher movies go, this is just “okay”.

Curse of the Fly (1965)

The third generation of Dellambres try to perfect their grandfather’s teleportation device. The two grandsons, tired of the experiments, want to have lives and families of their own. And the eldest brother, meeting a strange and mysterious woman, ends up marrying her within a week. He takes his bride back to his Montreal estate and we soon learn both of their hidden secrets. She recently escaped from a mental institution ad he is suffering from a strange aging condition brought on by the teleportation experiments. Unless he takes a serum he will quickly age and die (having the lifespan of a fly). There’s also a bunch of half-human creatures his family keeps locked up in a nearby barn, failed experiments.

Curse of the Komodo, The (2004)

Nonsensical giant-animal on the loose movie, an in-name only sequel to Komodo (which wasn’t that great to begin with). On an island 300 miles from Hawaii, scientists are doing experiments on the local wildlife with a growth-enhancement drug. The colonial house they are in, which is surrounded by an invisible electric fence, looks like the abode of Dr Moreau. In the opening scene a group of army guys land on the island at night, via helicopter, and are killed and eaten by the monster. Then we go to two guys who work with the scientists, who run back to their house and turn on the electric fence. This is the first time we see the giant Komodo Dragon in full, which is probably around 40 feet long. It’s huge. Later, a trio of robbers lands on the island after their helicopter is forced down in a storm and they and the scientific crew must work together in order to survive. But because there’s not a lot of characterization there or suspense we don’t really care. For the most part the computer animated dragon looks okay, but it does look silly when it’s shown running after them, particularly in a Jurassic Park inspired scene (you know, the one with the Tyrannosaurus). Also, when someone gets the monster’s saliva on them, which is filled with disease, they become these sort of sore infected zombies that try to kill the other people. I suppose this is the ‘curse’ in the title. My biggest question during this movie is that if they’re doing experiments on growth why not have other giant animals or even vegetables for that matter? It’s just the Komodo. Of course, all the bad guys get killed, the good guys make it out at the last minute before the military bombs the place with napalm. And there are baby Komodo’s at the end. Will the next movie be Spawn of the Komodo?

Curse of the Puppet Master (1999)

This is a rather needless installment of the Puppet Master series (part 7?). Here, the puppets belong to this old puppeteer who bought the puppets at an auction years before. His daughter, just graduated from college, returns home in time to meet the new woodcarver her father just hired. This young man, called ‘Tank’ by the locals, is somewhat dimwitted but knows how to widdle very well. Well, the daughter falls in love with the new worker, and vice-versa, her father is trying to create more ‘living puppets’ through some weird process, and a few people are killed by the Blade puppet. It turns out that the father tried turning his previous assistant into a puppet and failed and now wants to transform ‘Tank’ into a puppet as well. He succeeds but much to his regret. This movie totally rips off the 70’s movie Sssss! on every plot point. Unbelievable. Written by Benjamin Carr, who is the pseudonym for someone not wanting their real name on a Full Moon Production and directed by Victoria Sloan, who is really Dave DeCoteau.

Curse of the Swamp Creature (1966)

A mad scientist, spouting some of the funniest dialogue I’ve heard in a long time, is experimenting out in the swamps, trying to turn humans into fishmen. One time after another he keeps on failing and disposes of the mutated bodies in his nearby pool filled with alligators. A group of people exploring for oil come upon his house-and he transforms one of the women into an amphibious creature with cheap ping-pong ball eyes. The creature runs amok, turns on him and throws him into the alligator pool, then jumps in after him. Directed by Larry Buchanan.

Curse of the Talisman (2001)

A talisman, a pendant with the likeness of a gargoyle, is stolen from a museum collection that arrives in town. It eventually falls into the hands of a teenager, who mistakenly awakens a gargoyles that hatches from a stone statue. He doesn’t know what the thing is at first, thinking it a type of weird bat, and he keeps it under his basement stairs and feeds it dinner scraps until it gets too big and flies away. This creature is the leader and, with the stolen pendant, will free all the other gargoyles which are encased within stone statues from the collection. He, his best friend and his new girlfriend, Fiona, have to figure out a way to stop the rampaging monsters before they destroy the entire town. The movie is better than you think it would be, quick paced and to the point.

Curse of the Zodiac (2007)

Director Ulli Lommel’s (The Boogeyman) take on this serial killer is not as good as the other two recent Zodiac movies. A lot more liberties are taken, particularly the plot about a woman who has a psychic connection to his killings, which gives it all a supernatural bent. The shaven headed neo-Nazi looking, tattooed killer is both misogynistic and homophobic. And, well, psychotic. I must say, though, that the Zodiac’s voice-overs are very effective - creepy and disturbing.

Cursed (2005)

This is one of the better werewolf movies I’ve seen, not quite as good as Eric Red’s Bad Moon but better than An American Werewolf in Paris. Christina Ricci portrays a Hollywood publicist who is trying to juggle a new relationship and also care for her teenaged brother. Their parents were killed in a car accident so she’s head of the household. One night, during a full moon, they are in an accident on Mulholland Drive when they run into some kind of animal. They hit another car, which flips over and goes down the embankment. Just as they are about to pull the woman from the car, the werewolf grabs her through the window. They try to hang on to her and are dragged a ways into the woods, until they are forced to let go. But both have scratches from the creature, which means they are going to turn into werewolves. We see how the nerdy brother gains confidence through the new strength he’s obtained and Ricci becomes less uptight at work. There are some twists at the end as to who is the ‘good’ werewolf and who is the monster killing people in the Los Angeles area, and you can pretty much figure who they are by the middle of the movie. The special effects, both animatronic and computerized are well done. This is one ferocious werewolf, sort of a cross between that seen in American Werewolf in London and the Wyle E. Coyote ones from The Howling. Cursed also has a great beginning title sequence that puts you in the right mood for the flick. Again, not the best horror movie but one of the better from the werewolf genre.

Curtains (2000)

Mike Legge’s recent feature is also one of his best. A man, who has lost his girlfriend and his job in the same day, thought it couldn’t get any worse until a plane crashes into his house and kills him. He awakens in the back of a pickup truck with two other people who also died. The truck keeps on passing the same landscape over and over again and we learn the two other peoples’ demise through flashbacks. The reason they are all in limbo is because they expected nothing after death-and that’s exactly what they got!

Curtains (1983)

Samantha Eggar (The Brood) commits herself to a mental institution in order to understand her role as an insane woman in an upcoming play. The only problem is that she and her director have convinced the facility so well that she’s crazy that they don’t let her out...and eventually her director/lover stops visiting her as well, which makes her suspicious that he’s trying to get rid of her. Well, he is. While she was in the mental institution he continued to plan out his masterpiece play and is ready to cast it with a new actress. Eggar escapes from the mental asylum just in time to crash this casting call, which he is holding at a secluded house out in the country. Soon, the five actresses start disappearing-killed in gruesome ways by a killer in a wrinkled old age mask. Is it Eggar, bent on revenge? Or is it someone else? One of the better slasher movies of the 80’s.

Cut (2000)

This Australian slasher movie tries really hard to be the ‘down under’ version of SCREAM, with lots of in-jokes, twenty-something characters and a familiar villain, yet comes off as just another forgettable formulaic copy of so many other similar movies, most notably Wes Craven’s New Nightmare. Molly Ringwald portrays a bitchy actress who was almost killed during the production of ‘Hot Blooded’. Twelve years later a group of film students get the rights to finish shooting the movie and convince Ringwald to be in it. As soon as the shooting at the old location starts killings start happening—and when it’s revealed that the killer isn’t really human but the persona of the character from the movie that has somehow taken shape—you just want to utter ‘Huh?’ and smack your head. CUT doesn’t quite cut it.

Cutting Room, The (2008)

Lately, it seems like a lot of independent movies I get for review fall within the “slasher” genre, which probably makes sense since that’s the most inexpensive and effective horror movie to make. The hard thing is to make it stand out among all the rest.

Cutting Room begins with a film within a film. There’s a porn movie being shot, complete with boobies, and one of the crew members has her throat slit by a masked killer. Then it goes to others watching this particular scene around an edit bay and complaining how bad the special makeup effects are. The editor, Edie (Ellen Dyer) is this Goth chick who insists she can work her editing magic on hit. So the director lets her, little realizing what trouble this will create. You see, she’s utterly insane. She recreate this death scene by actually killing a woman. A gay friend of her assists because he likes killing as well. When she shows her new footage to the director he’s impressed and tells her to redo all of the rest, which she does. Since the movie is shot already she ends up killing all of the cast, one by one, in brutal ways. Eventually the not-so-bright director stumbles upon what’s going on and is given a choice— to go along with it and finish his movie—or die. Although Cutting Room has one of the most irritating musical scores I’ve ever heard, which made me mute the sound half a dozen times, this low-budget movie is quite well-done and I really liked the premise. Written, directed and produced by Travis Ammons.

Cyberzone (1995)

This Fred Olen Ray directed, Corman produced futuristic movie is exactly what you think it is; a good way to kill an hour and a half watching something that’s extremely entertaining. There’s  mutants cyborg-assassins, cyborg killers and of course those pleasure droids who can’t seem to keep their tops on.

“D” Titles

Dagon (2002)

I had high hopes for this Stuart Gordon movie. His other Lovecraft adaptations—Re-Animator and From Beyond, were extremely enjoyable and creepy movies. Dagon isn’t. The first forty minutes are extremely difficult to get through—the spanish actors are all pretty bad, the digital effects abysmal, and the main character is very unlikeable. But after the hump, when the movie consists of a series of chases as the hero tries to get his girlfriend back, things improve and the movie becomes genuinely creepy. There’s also a few extremely gory scenes that made me cringe. So, if you’re a Lovecraft fan you might like the whole people-turning into a fish idea but if you’re looking for an enjoyable horror film, well, this isn’t it. Dagon-it!

Dahmer (2002)

This is a surprisingly low-key movie with excellent performances. Through encounters with his victims and flashbacks through his life we get a good sense of the infamous serial killer. Almost all the killings are off screen but it makes them no less effective. This is up there with Henry:  Portrait of a Serial Killer.

Daisy Chain, The  (2008)

Martha and Tomas Conroy relocate from London to a small Irish village where he grew up. In fact, it’s his same childhood home. Martha is nearly nine months pregnant and is nervous because her previous child died of sudden infant death syndrome a few weeks old. During their first days in the new place Martha (Samantha Morton) meets the next door neighbor’s girl, Daisy, who is rather odd. Another neighbor, an old man, hates her and throws rocks at her to keep her from snooping around his place. Then, Daisy’s younger brother is found drowned on the nearby beach. Soon after this both her parents burn to death when their house catches fire. Since Daisy doesn’t have another other relatives the Conroys feel sorry for her and take her in. When a child services worker says they can’t keep her, but agrees to let the couple care for her another day, she ends up dying in a car crash that very night. And it’s very clear that Daisy has something to do with it. The locals are unnerved by her, particularly when she’s brought to school, and stories circulate that she’s really a changeling (the real Daisy was swapped by Fairies years ago) and not human at all. It doesn’t help that Martha lets her dress up in a fairy costume. This is a very well-acted, moody horror film and one of the best of the “killer kid” sub-genre.

Damnation Alley  (1976)

This is one of those movies that I first saw as a ten-year-old and the recollection of it turns out to be much better than the film actually is. The poster is what I think really sold this movie. Based on the novel (much better book) by Roger Zelazny (The Chronicles of Amber), it’s the tale of a group of survivors (including Jan Michael Vincent and George Peppard) after World War Three and how they try to make their way from Arizona to Upstate New York in this huge tank-like vehicle. They encounter raging storms, giant scorpions, man-eating cockroaches and some unfriendly human survivors. I think the whole cockroach segment is the best part of the movie. As post-apocalyptic movies go, this gets just an “okay

Damned by Dawn (2009)

Claire, accompanied by her uptight boyfriend, go to the Irish countryside to visit her family. This is her father, younger sister and grandmother. The grandmother is at the verge of death and says that a woman is coming to get her—and warns Claire not to do anything when this happens. This woman is the Banshee, which comes for the newly dead souls. But when this screaming woman comes Claire interrupts and manages to injure the creature by pushing it off a balcony onto a fence-spike. This not only pisses it off—it causes all the buried dead in the area to animate as these weird flying skeletons. Her boyfriend is killed and her family put in jeopardy. I found this an effective, well-done horror yarn, though it has a little too much unconvincing CGI effects. I’ve been hearing a comparison to the Evil Dead movies and it doesn’t even compare to those. Still, Damned by Dawn is worth checking out.

Dance of the Dead (2008)

Yes, it’s another zombie movie but it’s a good one. It’s much better than a similarly themed What Lies Beneath. On the day of the prom Jimmy’s girlfriend Lindsey drops him to go to the dance with a more popular student. On this same night the dead begin to rise from the ground and spread the zombie contamination—and it may have something to do with leaking of the nearby nuclear reactor. Jimmy, along with some friends, make their way to the high school to warn the party-goers but when they get there the dead have already attacked and it’s literally the Prom of the Living Dead.

There are some hilarious bits, such as the cemetery groundskeeper being unfazed by the zombies, and a local garage band that plays Pat Benater’s song Shadows of the Night to keep the zombie hordes at bay.

Dance with a Vampire (2006)

Although this movie has some of the stereotypical elements of a vampire film, such as “The Master” and the vampire hunter and a disbelieving police force, it offers some very entertaining scenes and, overall, is a decent vamp flick. A cowboy hunter is after the vampire who had abducted his sister and it just happens that his vampire brood was created in the 70’s, so they’re all dressed in disco outfits (the movie could easily be retitled” Disco Vampires”). In the best scene, they all enter a motorcycle bar, thinking it to be a disco. A disco had been there, upstairs, but had closed thirty-years before. However, they go up to the abandoned disco studio, which still has all the lights, and start dancing around, ending their disco romp by killing all those people in the bar.

As with vampire films (ever since Fright Night) since the 80’s, these creatures get the bumpy forehead and slightly bat-like face when they are in vampire mode. The master vampire is all grey and looks more like a shriveled zombie than anything else. The cast is mostly from Zombie Planet 1 & 2 and the running time is over two hours long (!!!!). If you’re a fan of the Blacula movies you’ll dig this independent horror film. Directed by George Bonilla.

Dance with the Devil (1999)

Rosie Perez portrays Perdita Durango, a dangerous woman who dreams about being paired with a ferocious jaguar. It’s alluded that her past is very violent and that she’s more than a bit different than the average crowd. Then, she meets the man of her dreams, someone who is as violent and twisted as herself. He robs banks and practices voodoo rituals. Together, they set off to become the most feared outlaws in Mexico. At one point they kidnap a teenage couple with the intention of killing an eating them—but the authorities (James Gandolfi) aren’t far behind. If you enjoyed the Freeway movies you’ll love this flick. Directed by Alex De La Inglesia, who previously directed Day of the Beast.

Danger Island (1992)

The monsters in this are man-made. The survivors of a shipwreck, including Gary Graham (Enterprise, Alien Nation), Kathy Ireland (Alien from L.A), and June Lockhart (Lost in Space), encounter the bizarre wildlife of a mysterious South Pacific Isle. One man, after jabbing himself on a sea urchin, transforms into an impressive aquatic monster while Graham, the leader of the group, becomes partially infected and starts looking like Bill Bixby in a mid-transformation sequence of The Incredible Hulk. The survivors trek across the island, discovering the island natives—who morph into amphibians during the full moon, then come across an abandoned research station and realize that this island is a biological experiment testing ground. Although the movie ends abruptly and is obviously a pilot for a failed series it’s nonetheless likable. It reminded me a bit of both Shock Waves and Mysterious Island. Recommended. Also known as The Presence.

Dangerous Worry Dolls (2008)

The newest movie from prolific director/producer Charles Band is a winner and manages up to come up with yet another weird type of killer doll. This time the culprits are Worry Dolls, these small, one-inch sized figures that you’re supposed to put under your pillow and they take away your worries at night.

The story takes place in a women’s detention center, where a young woman is serving a sentence after taking part in a convenience story robbery. During a visit, her daughter gives her a container of Worry Dolls and she puts them under her pillow that night. But what happens is they crawl into her ear and start controlling her behavior. Yes, she wakes up without any worries, but she’s a lot more aggressive, particularly to the women gang that rules the place. A blemish starts growing in the middle of her forehead, and it gets bigger and bigger as the day goes on, until it finally pops and we see that the skeleton Worry Doll is inside, sort of riding her around. It’s unsettling.

Don’t worry, you’ll enjoy this movie.

Dark Asylum (2002)

A serial killer, known as the Trasher because the only thing he leaves behind from his victims is blood and clothes, is tracked down and shot by one of the cops pursuing him. He’s patched up and sent to the nearest mental institution, which happens to be virtually empty because it’s being closed down in a week. A psychiatrist (Paulina Porizkova) on call is sent in to evaluate him (to see if he’s really insane) but he escapes and runs amok. The head of the hospital’s security locks down the building and he’s subsequently killed by the Trasher—but the keys to unlock the building are lost. One by one the cops and hospital workers left inside are slaughtered. The psychiatrist finds help from the janitor (Judd Nelson in a throwaway role), who is also one of the last patients to remain there. You’ve seen it all before and done better in other movies. Very sloppily written script by people who have obviously gotten all their information on police, psychiatrists and serial killers from watching Prime Time Network television. They are all cliches!Larry Drake, as the killer, is great—hey, he was born to portray mentally ill characters (Dark Night of the Scarecrow, Dr. Giggles) and Porizkova does a decent enough job of acting but the movie is so painful to watch even their performances aren’t enough to save it.

Dark Backward, The (1991)

Bill Paxton and Judd Nelson are buddies existing in a surreal garbage strewn city—and working as garbage men. Judd is also trying his hand at standup comedy but is absolutely dreadful. Painfully pain. His friend tries to get him an agent but that doesn’t work out—that is, until Judd starts growing a third arm out of his back. This freaks out his girlfriend, Lara Flynn Boyle, who leaves him, but excites his friend because he knows he can somehow exploit this. They finally manage to get an agent, Wayne Newton, to get them comedy gigs—but most of that consists of the horrible jokes and Nelson turning around and around to show his third arm. The scene with Paxton having sex with three six-hundred pound women is memorable. If you’re interested in watching a really morbid, darkly funny movie this should do the ticket.

Dark Country (2009)

Directed by and starring Thomas Jane (The Punisher), this is a Twilight Zone-esque film noir. A guy named Dick wakes up in a cheap motel, married the night before to a hot blonde named Gina (Laura German of Hostel II, The Divide) who is a virtual stranger. He met her in Vegas. In the voice-over narration he says he loves her. They are driving to Sedona, Arizona and get lost on the way. Then, she’s hot and so starts molesting an ice cube, which really distracts him from driving. In fact, he turns off his lights as she gets off in the seat beside him—and then when it’s over and he turns them back on just in time to see a guy standing in the middle of the road. They hit the guy and then go to see if he’s alive.

Although his face is nearly ripped off he is still breathing. Their cell phones don’t work so they load him in the back seat with the intention of taking him to a hospital. Then, he wakes up and starts saying some weird stuff. In fact, he knows things about both Dick and Gina that he should not know. Things escalate and Dick and the stranger get in a fight and the stranger loses, brained with a rock. They bury the body and resume their journey, though the newlywed’s relationship is sorely tarnished.

This movie was original shot in 3-D and you can see how the production design and many of the shots exist specifically for his, such as bird flying away from a window, a hand sticking out of the ground, the way in which their car is shot. Dark Country is a well-crafted, moody thriller that echoes David Lynch.

Dark Dealer (1995)

This anthology chronicles the fate of three hell-bound characters gambling for their lives and souls in a game of blackjack with the devil. Although this sounds familiar, director Tom Alexander does it right. All the stories, even the gambling wraparound, are satisfying. The first story is about a small-time criminal who crashes the abode of a timid old man named Nickodemus, who turns out to be a not so timid demon when provoked. The second story  is about an entertainment lawyer who plagiarizes the work of a long-dead musician, who eventually comes back to haunt him. The third story concerns a group of people who break into an experimental drug company and unwittingly release an absorbent, swirling light creature that wants to devour them.

Dark Drive (1999)

A virtual reality program, originally created for the purpose of entertainment is being used to condemn criminals. The prison system zaps their minds into the computer, then kills their bodies so they can’t return. The program’s creator, however, doesn’t like this idea so he quits his job. He and his wife are enjoying a quiet life but she’s killed, with their unborn baby. This puts him in a rage, determined to find out who killed her. He suspects the company. He ends up going into the program and we’re not quite sure what’s real and what isn’t, so that by the end of the movie you have no idea what’s going on. And then it comes off like one of those ‘It was just a dream!’ type movies.

Dark Fury: The Chronicles of Riddick (2004)

This animated short (30 minutes) successfully bridges the gap between Pitch Black and The Chronicles of Riddick. Immediately after the events in the first movie, the small ship containing the three survivors-Riddick, Jack and Abu— are picked up by a gigantic merc ship run by a psychotic collector by the name of Chillingsworth. She collects killers, placing them in a form of suspended animation and positioning them like sculptures for her to look at.Well, Riddick doesn’t want to be another of her knick knacks so he makes for an escape-and tries to take down as many of the mercenaries along the way as possible. He also has to rescue his two friends from being killed by these strange looking alien creatures.The animation is just like the Aeon Flux cartoons from the 90’s (also directed by Peter Chung) and much of the backgrounds and exterior spaceships are computer animated. And, believe it or not, Vin Diesel is even uglier as a cartoon...If you’re a fan of the Riddick movies you won’t be disappointed. There’s plenty of action, gore and wise-cracks.

Dark Harvest (2004)

This killer scarecrow movie sucked, definitely the worst of the scarecrow sub-genre. A young man, who looks like the kid from Married with Children, inherits an old farmhouse from his biological father. The place has been vacant since the late 30’s and is in surprisingly good condition. He goes up there with a bunch of friends (excuses for the scarecrows to kill) and they soon discover that his great-great grandfather had been up to no good. During the Depression, when everyone was having poor crops, this guy always had a great harvest. But this was because he sacrificed people for his land. Now, all those he had killed are coming back for revenge on the great-grandson.The zombie/scarecrows are lame, with these dried up looking skull faces. But when they get injured they bleed, which makes no sense. Also, how can you kill something that’s already dead? Their strength seems to vary, as well. In one scene one of the creatures punctures a knife through a door, injuring one of the friends-but later on can’t open a rickety looking barnyard door. All the actors are clearly amateurs. It’s hard to believe that Lion’s Gate picked up this clunker for distribution.

Dark Kingdom: The Dragon Lord (2006)

This is a decent “epic”, based on the Norse myth/stories of the Ring of the Nibelungs. As a child, Siegfried barely escapes his overthrown kingdom with his life, to be raised by a kindly blacksmith (Max Von Sydow of Flash Gordon, The Exorcist). Then, one night he sees a meteor fall into the nearby forest-and goes to investigate. It’s here he meets up with Brumhilde, the “Queen of Iceland” and they fight. He wins the battle and this impresses her, as no man has been able to defeat her in battle. They spend the night together and she goes back to her own country, waiting for Siegfriend to eventually follow and be her king.

Then a lot happens to distract him. He befriends the king of the nearby city and goes to defeat a monstrous dragon which is terrorizing the countryside. He kills the creature and bathes in its blood, which makes him invincible (like Achilles, though, he also has a small spot on his body where he can be injured). Also, the vast treasure that the dragon was guarding comes with a curse, though he seems not to care. Then the king’s sister puts a spell on him so that he forgets Brumhilde and falls in love with her.

This sort of reminded me of those 60’s/70’s Italian Hercules and Goliath movies, with a much bigger budget.

Dark Knight, The (2008)

This overly long, tedious movie is the biggest disappointment of the Summer, with an over-hyped performance by deceased actor Heath Ledger as The Joker. Wayne Mansion still has to be rebuilt, so Bruce Wayne is living in his Gotham City penthouse with Alfred. Love interest Rachel Dawes is dating DA Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart), so there’s sort of a love triangle there. And The Joker shows up, shooting people and planting bombs around the city. He tries to make people commit crimes in order to save their own lives, sort of the idea behind the Saw movies.

The violence and action is so much the same throughout the movie that it only blurs together. Batman comes off flat and doesn’t have enough screen time. Also, the casting of Maggie Gyllenhaal as Rachel, formerly portrayed by Katie Holmes, is way off center and not once do you believe all these guys are drooling after her. Heath Ledger’s performance as The Joker is interesting and makes you compare him with Cesar Romero and Jack Nicholson, but too much time is spent on this one-dimensional character. The biggest problem, though, is that the movie is about an hour too long. I caught myself dozing off several times and that’s never a good sign.

Dark Knight Rises, The (2012)

It’s eight years after the events of The Dark Knight. A crippled Bruce Wayne is now a bearded recluse and he’s given up being Batman. Then, a cat burglar breaks into his mansion and steals his mother’s pearls. This piques his interest. There’s a villain, Bane, who was trained by the same man, Ras Al Ghul, who trained him, and this guy wants to destroy Gotham with an atomic bomb. Bane is this muscled bald guy with a gas-mask on his face. And there’s a love interest for Bruce Wayne that turns out to be a traitor.  I found this exceedingly boring and, like the Dark Knight, doesn’t seem like a Batman movie at all. There’s too much brooding and talking. This was successful in diminishing the character.

Dark Mirror (2009)

A couple and their son relocate to a new house because of his new computer job. The wife is immediately drawn to this one house, though, which has all these strange panel windows which twists the light in weird ways. Soon after they move in she starts to notice some strange things, things that are only in the mirror. For example, the hallway in her house has only one closet but when she looks in the mirror at it, it has two distinct closets. When she tries to take a photograph of herself in the mirror she ends up taking a photo of a different room in the house, as if the mirror is some kind of passageway. When she tries to explain all of this to her overworked, cynical husband, he thinks she is nuts and doesn’t want to talk about it. She also discovers that a famous painter once lived there and that he and his family mysteriously vanished. She thinks solving their mystery will help explain all the unexplainable things she has seen. She’s also a photographer—and everyone she takes a photograph of begins to disappear. And she starts seeing glimpses of a hooded figure stalking her. Is this the ghost of the painter? Or is it something else.

I liked most of this movie. It has some creepy moments, such as when a murdered lady sinks and disappears into a pool of her own blood. I did not like the ending, though, when she confronts what/who is actually doing everything. It seemed way too familiar and I was expecting a bigger payoff.

Dark Night of the Scarecrow (1981)

This is one of those movies that’s always on at midnight somewhere across the country. It was the annual “Halloween Movie” on TBS for years, and if you ask a friend about it in passing they’ll remember seeing one of its early showings, usually as a child or teenager. Of course, they remember the film for a reason— it’s scary!

In this Frank DeFelitta directed suspense film, a band of small town rednecks hunt down the local town idiot, Bubba (Larry Drake of Dr. Giggles), after he’s mistakenly believed to have injured, and perhaps molested, a small girl. They follow him to a corn field, where he’s taken refuge inside the clothes of a scarecrow, and shoot him a dozen times. After they are acquitted of the murder, for lack of evidence, the man’s mother (played by Jocelyn Brando, Marlon Brando’s sister) declares, “There are other justices in the world besides the law!” And in turn each man is killed in a mysterious way—one by a thrashing machine, another smothered by grain in a silo—and it looks as if the scarecrow, possessed by the spirit of the slain retarded man, is the culprit. Exactly who, or what, is responsible, is the movie’s clincher.  This is undeniably one of the best made-for-television horror movies, up there with Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark and Gargoyles. Other than Scarecrows, this is the best killer scarecrow movie ever.

Dark Place, A (2004)

This is an impressive 45 minute zombie movie done on a shoestring budget. The opening scene shows a guy fighting and killing these mud-covered people, which reminded me of 28 Days Later in terms of how they moved and attacked. Why is he doing this and who are these feral people? The plot is simple: There’s something in the nearby woods that’s causing people to disappear. When several college-aged guys move into their new place they encounter a guy, torn up, exiting the forest. It looks like he was savaged by animals. They call the police, who tell them that many people have disappeared, with no clue to what happened to them. Later, one of the guys ventures into the woods and is bit. He refuses to tell his friends what happened and becomes reclusive. Eventually he freaks out and runs into the woods. Of the two remaining friends, one returns home and the other stays. He hooks up with the guy who was killing the zombies at the beginning of the movie-and they venture into the woods together to kill the creatures. Director David Matheny has made a cool, creepy, well-done horror short that’s far more entertaining & well-done than some recent multi-million dollar zombie flicks I’ve seen such as House of the Dead.

Dark Planet (1996)

Two sides to humanity, one known as the Alphas, who are modified humans, and then the rebels. Harley Jane Kozak (Arachnaphobia) is rebel Liz Brendan and Michael York is Captain Winter, an Alpha. Maria Ford is an Alpha named Salera who ends up falling in love with one of the rebel leaders. There are lots of spaceship special effects that look as if they were done in the 70’s. And there’s so much talking and not really anything going on. Dark Planet is hazy, at best.

Dark Ride (2006)

Basically, this is just another “Escaped from the Asylum-Slasher flick” that offers nothing new. There’s also a Marisa Tomei look-alike lead actress. See Funhouse instead.

Dark Season (1991)

The stories in this British series revolve around three teenaged friends, Reet (Kate Winslet), Thomas and Marcie. The first three episodes comprise the first story, about a company that is trying to take over the student body by computers. They are called Abyss computers, which is a hint if there ever was one. Everyone is given a free computer to take home. One of the students is turned into this mutant with weird eyes and Reet and Thomas get zapped so that they can mentally communicate with a computer. One a certain day all the computers will be activated—and be able to control all of the children. In charge of the diabolical plan is Mr. Eldritch, this sinister punk-looking guy with sunglasses and bleached hair. It’s up to the three friends to find the computer’s original inventor, Dr. Polzinski, to stop them. The other three episodes also involve a computer, the “Behemoth”, which is buried beneath their school. I thought this story was far more interesting, though Eldritch shows up at the end and hams it up.

The most interesting aspect of the show is seeing Kate Winslet in one of her first roles, as a fat, rather homely, not so likable teenager.

Dark Shadows (2012)

After two-hundred years of being cursed by the witch, Angelique (Eva Green), as a vampire, Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp) is released from his coffin prison by a group of construction workers. He kills them all. Then, he goes to his family’s mansion, which is now inhabited by the current generation. This includes Michelle Pfeiffer as Elizabeth Collins Stoddard, her daughter Carolyn (Chloe Moretz of Let Me In), Jonny Lee Miller as Roger Collins, and Roger’s son David, who can see ghosts. They have fallen on hard times because the family business, fishing, has been usurped by Angelique, who is still alive. Now that Barnabas is back he wants to improve his family’s lot— but that means dealing with Angelique. He has a beef with her because she killed his love, Josette, hundreds of years before. She hurled herself off a cliff. But Victoria Winters is David’s nanny—and she bears a striking resemblance to Barnabas’ lost love...

As someone who grew up watching Dark Shadows I thought the Burton movie was pretty good. The trailer is misleading—not that much of a “comedy” or spoof. The first twenty-minutes is a great recap of Barnabas’ and Collinwood’s history, then goes to the 70’s when he’s reawakened—-and the 70’s, from today’s perspective, is amusing. Director Tim Burton definitely has a love of the original show, as he manages to capture most of that feeling—and touches on all the main points of that original soap opera, throwing in some sly twists (including werewolf!) along the way. This remake isn’t “sacreligious” or a lame “re-imagining”, only a current look at an old television show. Recommended.

Dark Shadows: The Revival (1991)

When this series first aired in the early 90’s I thought it was pretty cool, having not seen an episode of the original show in a long while. Ben Cross is decent enough as the villainous/sympathetic vampire Barnabas Collins, Barbara Steele is creepy as his ally, and the vampire makeup/teeth are effective. In a more recent viewing, however, the show doesn’t hold up nearly as well. What ruins a lot of the suspense/suspension of disbelief is all the “day for night” shooting (which never looks right) and a one-dimensional, vacuous Victoria Winters (Joanna Going). Now that the old series is on DVD there’s not much reason to see these thirteen episodes.

Dark Side (1987)

In this Canadian thriller a cabbie picks up a woman who is frantically running away from a sinister looking guy. Before she leaves she stashes a videotape under the cab seat. She meets him later, trying to get the tape back but it cant’ be found. In the meantime, the cabbie has fallen head over heels for her and even offers to let her stay in his apartment, though he knows nothing about her. IT turns out that the videotape is a snuff film and shows a woman being killed.The producer of the snuff movie wants her and the tape and sends out his goon to get the cabbie. Ultimately the good guy wins and gets the girl (Cindy Preston).

Dark Skies (1995)

In the mid-60’s John Loengard (Eric Close) and his girlfriend, Kim Sayers (Megan Ward) move to Washington DC, where he gets a job working for a Senator and she works in J.F Kennedy’s office. Loengard becomes involved with a secret government agency called Majestic-12 and he begins working for them. They investigate alien abductions and try to cover up this information. The head of the agency, Captain Frank Bach (J.T. Walsh) is a hard-ass. He was there at the Roswell, when the alien saucer came and basically declared war on the Earth. The army blew it out of the sky. But Loengard doesn’t trust Majestic and quits, choosing to basically become a fugitive and work on his own. John wants to get the truth about the alien invasion out there to the public. Kim is even abducted by the aliens and implanted with a creature, though he’s able to remove it from her. The aliens are the small, gray, big-eyed creatures that are being controlled by another species called The Hive, which are these worm-like parasites. The Hive has now infiltrated humanity, even members of Majestic and other government agencies.

At first these two characters are very naive and idyllic about their life together but this changes very quickly. They tell the President the truth and he’s assassinated, as is his brother. The last six episodes tries to wrap the story-line up. A good gray alien, not infected by the Hive, is captured and tells Kim that she’s pregnant. They have a

telepathic bond. Then the next episode skips ten months and she’s a month overdo. She’s abducted again, along with her child, and willingly becomes one of the Hive because she doesn’t want to be separated from her son. Then, more months go by and we see a very distraught John Loengard. He becomes involved with Juliet, a soviet operative working with Majestic 12. He wants to get his son back from the aliens.

Then, the very last show skips two years ahead. Loengard volunteers for a mission that will take him to the Hive mothership, which is in orbit around the moon. This is where he hopes to rescue his kidnapped son. Yet, when he gets there, sent in an Apollo rocket, he sees that his son looks like an eight-year old when he should only be three. He has aged more quickly. The final image is he and his son holding hands and walking away from the aliens. This, coupled with the voiceover of John from the future, implies that they got away safely.

This television series from the mid-90’s tried to appeal to the same viewers who tuned in to X-Files. Unfortunately the show wasn’t nearly as creepy or exciting. I think this was primarily because they were trying to fit all of the episode’s events into a historical context. And by now, the whole alien invasion scenario has been sorely overdone. Still, if you’re an alien fanatic there should be some enjoyable moments.

Dark Water (2002)

From the writer and the director of the original Ring movie, this ghost story is very similar in that it deals with water and a little dead girl. A newly divorced mother and her daughter move to a dingy old apartment building. There is a leak in their ceiling but they don’t think anything of it at first. Then, the leak grows, eventually becoming so bad that her apartment is becoming flooded. She goes up to the apartment above hers and discovers that it once belonged to a father and daughter who lived there. And the little girl had mysteriously disappeared several years before. There’s also this old water tower atop the building which plays an obvious role. Turns out that the girl had dropped her bag and drowned in the thing-and wants nothing more than to have a mother to take care of her. There are a few creepy moments, such as when she’s holding onto a child’s hand in the elevator-and it’s not her daughters-and when the corpse girl tries to hug her. I’ve been seeing so many of these Asian movies lately that they’re all becoming the same-ghost stories where there is some kind of revenge.

Dark Water (2005)

This American adaptation of the Asian film is not quite as creepy as the Asian version, although it is a much better movie. It’s primarily a character study of a depressed young mother (Jennifer Connelly of A Beautiful Mind, Hulk, Creepers), separated from her cheating husband, who moves into a dingy old apartment building on New York City’s Roosevelt Island (a small island in the East River, between NYC and Queens). The only person she has-and the only one she cares about-is her young daughter. The daughter finds a Hello Kitty backpack up on the roof and soon after develops an invisible friend named Natasha. But Natasha is a ghost-and it’s unclear if her intentions are for good or for evil. If you didn’t care for the original version you will enjoy this remake.

Dark Waters (2004)

Lorenzo Lamas portrays Dane Quatrell, a third generation oceanographer who is also a con artist. He and his partner, this woman who looks just like Raquel Welch, are kidnapped. They are offered a proposition by a billionaire, who may also have been responsible for Dane’s fathers disappearance twenty-five years before, to go down in Dane’s submarine on a secret mission. Just what this mission is he won’t say. Well, they make it 4,000 feet to the bottom of the ocean, where the billionaire has an oil transfer station. They find one man is dead and the other two are missing, though we know they are slain because we saw them get eaten by giant sharks in an earlier scene. And then, as fast as you can say genetically engineered shark, they are attacked by five of them. The sub is destroyed and they take refuge in the station. The only survivors are Dane, his assistant, and an undercover CIA guy who doesn’t really know what’s going on.They all pass out from lack of oxygen and wake up to find themselves on a secret Navy submarine, which happens to be conducting experiments on sharks-trying to make them into these controllable biological weapons. There’s a lot of fighting aboard the sub, Dane finds out that his father is still alive and is the scientist on board-and after a close escape all the killer sharks are themselves killed. First of all, there’s not the slightest suspension of disbelief with this story. Far too many inaccuracies-the writers should always research their material before they write the dang script. And the idea of genetically engineered sharks was already done with Deep Blue Sea, which did it much better.Throw in the stereotypical government conspiracy, a son reunited with his lost father, narrow escapes which have no suspense because you know all the characters will live-and to top it off some of the worst computer animation since the movie Reptilian.!The movie ends with Dane opening a lock box left to him by his father-and it contains the location to the fabled city of Atlantis. Now, THAT would have been the story to go with, not the lame shark one.

Dark, The (2005)

Maria Bello (A History of Violence, Assault on Precinct 13 (remake)) portrays Adele, an America mother who takes her ten-year-old daughter Sarah to visit her father (Sean Bean of Game of Thrones, Lord of the Rings, Silent Hill) who lives in an old house on a secluded island. Fifty years earlier there was a cult of people who killed themselves by jumping off one of the cliffs-and the leader of the cult used to live in that same house.

When the daughter disappears they think she drowned but Adele feels that something else is going on. At one point she thinks she’s found her daughter, but it is a girl named Ebrill. It turns out that Ebrill has returned from the land of the dead and Sarah has taken her place. We learn how crazy the cult leader was and how he drilled holes in Ebrill’s skull. Adele believes that the only way to get her daughter back is to go to the land of the dead and rescue her. From that point on it’s sort of like one of the early Nightmare on Elm Street movies, without Freddy Krueger.

The Dark is just an “okay” horror movie. It seems too heavily influenced by The Ring (remake), as far as dealing with a ghostly little girl, and the movie seems about a half-hour too long. It’s based on a novel titled Sheep, so I suppose anything is a better title.

Darker Side of Terror, The (1978)

Robert Forster (Alligator, the Descendants) portrays a scientist who clones himself, only the clone turns out to be...evil. A good twin/bad twin story ensues. Unlike The Clonemaster (1978), a similarly themed movie in which a scientist has an identity crisis with his clones, this movie deals with more Jekyll/Hyde style ideas.

Darkest Hour (2011)

Sean (Emile Hirsch) and Ben are two young American businessmen who go to Russia for an important meeting only to discover that they are ripped off by a guy named Skylar (Joel Kinnaman of The Killing TV series). Just when they think things can’t get worse, strange lights appear in the sky, which turns out to be an alien invasion by invisible creatures. While people are being disintegrated the guys and two girls they met manage to barricade themselves in a building, where they remain for a week before venturing out into the vacant city. They come across other survivors, including an old Russian guy who has figured out a way to make his apartment invisible to the invaders. There’s also a ragtag group of resistance fighters they eventually take refuge with.

They surmise that the aliens have come to Earth to ransack the natural resources when they see rock and metal being sucked out of the ground in these huge plumes that reach into the atmosphere. The survivors intercept a radio message that says there will be a nuclear submarine in the area taking people to safety—but they are surrounded by the invisible creatures and have to somehow make their way past the invaders.

Basically, this follows the formula of a generic zombie movie, only with aliens instead of zombies. It doesn’t help that we don’t see what the monsters look like until the last twenty-minutes of the movie—and their appearance is underwhelming. The Darkest Hour follows the trend of Skyline and Battle: Los Angeles of having an incomplete story. I have no interest in seeing a sequel to ANY of these films...what a lame movie.

Darkest Knight (2003)

Avoid this stinker. By the box art you’d imagine this would be something akin to Dungeons & Dragons or Dragonheart. WRONG! Instead, we get a weak quest story involving a character named Ivanhoe, a witch and a diminutive thief who want to overthrow the evil Prince John from the thrown of England and restore Richard the Lionheart to his rightful place. Morder is the evil sorcerer to the prince. He creates creature after creature to go against the heroes but these monsters suck. There’s a fake looking lake of blood that sprouts tentacles, a corpse turned into a demonic slave, and a brief appearance of a poorly executed computer animated dragon.

Darkhunters (2005)

Charles Jackson (Dominique Pinion, who always reminds me of a diminutive Rondo Hatten) wakes up to find out that’s he’s really dead. He frantically wanders around the countryside until he runs into Carol Miller, who mysteriously has the ability to see him. It turns out that she is to be a Darkhunter, whose job it is to return those souls to death before the demons find them. The special effects are very well done and I liked the character that Jeff Fahey portrayed, ‘Phillip Barlowe’. Dressed like a 1940’s detective he also has peeling lips and long, wicked fingernails, which indicates he’s on the darker side of things. It’s a well-produced but forgettable horror movie.

Darkness Waits (2002)

Although this movie was shot as two shorts two years apart (2000 & 2002), it stands as one complete tale. Written, Directed and Produced by Marc Trottier, who also stars as the lead, ‘Cody’, has created an indie horror movie that really stands up to the slew of ‘home-grown’ movies now being made with digital cameras.It is a ‘Slasher’, Scream-inspired tale of a group of guys being attacked by an insane killer-who really turns out to be a guy escaped from the local mental institution. Cody ends up killing him at the end of the first movie, looking very much the insane killer himself. Part 2 (2002) continues with events one yearlater, where he’s recuperating and is befriended by the brother from the killer in the first movie. Does the insanity run in the family?The first plus is Trottier himself, who is quite a good actor (you can also see him as one of the main characters in the movie Decoys). The rest of the movie is well cast, the acting naturalistic-and there’s never a point where you want to push the fast-forward button on the DVD player. Darkness duo is a great example of how to make a well-produced, ultra-independent, low-budget movie.

Darkness (2002)

In this overhyped, convoluted ‘haunted house’ movie, a family moves to the countryside in Spain (I think it’s supposed to be Spain), into this old house with a strange history. The teenaged-daughter, Regina (Anna Paquin of  True Blood, X-Men) doesn’t like the move one bit and is at odds with her mother. Her father, transferred there because of a teaching job, starts having these strange seizures, which put him in these weird fits of rage. When the young son starts having various bruises on him, it’s assumed that the father is doing this, whether he knows it or not. The boy insists that it’s the other children in his room, who don’t like him and call him ‘imposter’. The movie is also divided up by days of the week, which, in addition to the father going slowly insane, reminded me very much of Kubrick’s version of The Shining. Forty-years before there was to be a sacrifice of seven children during an eclipse by a group of people who wanted to summon ‘The Darkness’ (the devil?)-and the killing of the seventh never happened because the parent couldn’t go through with it. Now, that eclipse is happening again and the Darkness in the house wants the seventh sacrifice completed. It’s no big surprise who that surviving seventh child is.This was the ‘Unrated, extended’ version (2005), which I found rather boring, so the extension wasn’t a good thing.

Darkness Falls (2003)

This is a genuinely creepy movie. In the town of Darkness Falls there’s the legend of a hideously burned woman wrongly accused of killing some kids in the 1800’s-and she’s lynched. She used to give the children in the town coins for their lost baby teeth-but before she’s hanged she curses the town. It turns out she didn’t murder the kids after all. In present day, when a woman’s younger brother starts having ‘night terrors’ and is terrified of the dark, saying ‘She’s going to get him’, the woman contacts a childhood friend who had experienced the same sort of phobia. But in his case his mother was killed and he’s still terrified of the dark, because he knows as soon as he’s in the shadows the old ‘tooth fairy’ will kill him. So together the reunited friends and the kid must somehow defeat the evil entity. The big showdown happens at the town’s lighthouse. This movie is probably the beginning of a horror franchise and as a villain the tooth fairy compares well with Freddy or The Shape.

Dark Room (1981)

I have fond memories of this anthology show, hosted by James Coburn, but the show doesn’t quite hold up on viewing 30 years later....

This series started off like the series Monsters, only with a budget, then becomes Roald Dahl’s Tales of the Unexpected. The episodes are too different from each other, though half of them are decent, as good as any Twilight Zone or Night Gallery episodes. Having Coburn host the show and introduce the stories is hokey and entirely unnecessary and forced.

The Boogeyman Will Get You, based on a Robert Bloch short story, features Helen Hunt as a young woman who falls for an older drifter. Her sister suspects that he’s a vampire, as he only comes out at night, but he turns out to be something entirely different.

Closed Circuit, written by Allan Brennart (80’s Twilight Zone episodes) is a chilling story about a news anchor who is coerced to retire because a new technology has made him obsolete. It features Richard Anderson (Oscar Goldman from Six Million Dollar Man) as his boss.

Siege of 31 August  is almost exactly like that episode with the toy soldiers from the Stephen King adapted Nightmares & Dreamscapes (made 25 years later).

Make-Up features Billy Crystal as a loser who purchases a make-up case belonging to an old Hollywood actor and it allows him to change his appearance for real, which comes in handy when there’s guys out to kill him.

The Partnership, about what happens to strangers when they come through a small town and are talked into visiting the old funhouse by a seemingly harmless old man. He feeds them to a creature that lives in the lake below the old structure.

Darkwolf (2003)

A cop and his partner track down a werewolf (Kane Hodder, who portrayed Jason in quite a few Friday the 13th films) responsible for brutal killings in the city. The back story, told in lengthy exposition, is that 900 years ago a man interbred with a werewolf and thus produced the werewolf hybrids, which are somehow more dangerous than real, full-blooded werewolves for some unexplained reason. Hodder is the last of the hybrids, ‘The Darkwolf’ and wants to mate with the last full-blooded werewolf in order to overrun the world with his offspring. When the cops easily capture him he transforms and breaks free but not before he kills the partner. Skip to a young blonde waitress who looks like Meg Tilly, who turns out to be the full-blood werewolf, though she doesn’t know it yet. She’s been watched over by a ‘Protector’ (Tippi Hedren!), an old woman later killed by the Darkwolf. Sounds like they’ve been watching too much Highlander to me. Anyway, a lot more people are killed. The creature effects by John Buechler are really good, portraying a ferocious-looking, quadruped werewolf and lots of stringy gut-ripping that goes along with it. And the attacks are intense. The computer effects, on the other hand, used to show the transformations from human to wolf, bring things to a screeching halt, they are so bad. Sooooo bad! They don’t even look like the people they’re supposed to be! And the story itself makes little sense and has a plot hole the size of the moon. If this young woman is a full-blooded werewolf wouldn’t she know it? Wouldn’t her parents be werewolves as well, as it’s passed down through the blood? And when she transforms she’s small and comparatively weak looking compared to the Darkwolf. He’s more wolf-like yet he’s the hybrid.? Check this movie out for the werewolf, the gore and the lesbian-themed dance scene. Otherwise, this is nothing to howl about.

Darwin Awards, The (2007)

This is only included here because there is a serial killer subplot involved, though it’s about as lame as the rest of the movie. Joseph Fiennes (brother of Ralph Fiennes), channeling Kevin Nealon, is a retired cop who wants to come up with a profile for the typical “DARWIN AWARD” winner. For those of you who don’t know the term, it refers to those people who end up killing themselves in supremely stupid ways - and because they kill themselves off they take themselves out of the gene pool, allowing our species to survive.

The only funny thing about this movie is David Arquette as one of the award winners who fastens a jet engine to his car and blasts off into the side of a mountain. Winona Ryder (A Scanner Darkly, Aliens 4) is the insurance investigator love-interest.

A bad movie!

Daughter of Darkness (1990)

A young woman named Katherine Thatcher (Mia Sara of Legend, Birds of Prey) goes to Bucharest, Romania, in search of her father as he’s the only family she has left. Her mother died a few months before and she’s been having weird nightmares about a robed figure. Once in Bucharest she goes to the American Embassy for help in tracking her father down and there she meets Devlin (Jack Coleman, HRG in Heroes TV series), who thinks she’s a pain in the ass.

Katherine starts her own search and finds an old glass blower (Anthony Perkins) who says he knew her father and that he’s dead. The truth is that he’s really her father—and also the leader of the vampires in Romania. Another vampire is interested in her because she’s the first known human/vampire offspring and he wants to perpetuate his dwindling race. She’s captured and kept where they keep the humans they feed upon. Her father frees her but gets in trouble—and they stake him out on the ground so that the sunlight will burn him up. Kathy eventually gets the help of Devlin, who is also a tenuous love interest, and she manages to save her father only to lose him in a fire when he battles the bad vampire.

Although the story is just so-so, it has good special effects. The vampires don’t have fangs, rather their tongues split open to reveal a ring of sharp teeth, like a lamprey eel. It’s also directed by Stuart Gordon (Re-Animator, Dagon).

Dawn of the Dead (1978)

A television producer, Francine (Gaylen Ross) is working at a Philadelphia tv station which is reporting about the zombie epidemic. She’s waiting for her boyfriend, Stephen (David Emge) who flies the traffic helicopter. Then we go to a group of SWAT team members who are clearing out a barricaded building. The residents had been protecting their reanimated dead so that when they break in there’s a flood of the zombies. It’s here Roger and Peter (Ken Foree) meet up. Roger is supposed to rendezvous with Francine and Stephen and brings Peter along, though it will affect their gas. They leave just in time. However, they can’t get far and have to refuel. Here they encounter some kid zombies, the poster child for the movie, and another who gets decapitated by the helicopter blades. Soon after they find a mall and take refuge. They soon get to thinking that they can close off the exits, pick off the zombies and have the entire place to themselves. That is, until a huge biker gang comes along and undoes all their hard work.

For the most part the special effects hold up, though in a few instances I can now see it’s effects man Tom Savini doing stunts for a few of the zombies, such as in the truck scene. And the blue/green makeup for the zombies is old hat. However, I never get tired of this classic zombie movie, especially if I’m re-watching it with someone who has never seen it before.

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

I had quite a mixed reaction when I first heard they were remaking the George Romero classic. I mean, it’s one of the best horror movies ever made. Why remake it? But then I thought about last year’s Texas Chainsaw redo and was pleasantly surprised at how well they handled that. First, I have to say that the new Dawn of the Dead isn’t a bad movie. In fact, there were scenes that had me gnawing at my fingernails. The actors were good, the special effects suitably gory and a pervading sense of dread was accomplished. Yet, in comparison, 28 Days Later is a much better zombie movie and the new Dawn comes nowhere near the thrill of the original film. Basically, the only thing in common with the original is that there are people stuck in a mall with a bunch of flesh-eating zombies trying to get in at them. All the characters are different. And instead of four people taking refuge in the mall there ends up being about a dozen of them, which turns out to be the movie’s biggest problem. There are far too many characters here for proper development. They have the good black guy, the bad black guy, the two young people falling in love, the asshole who turns out to be a hero in the end. My biggest surprise was that the two characters I liked the most were neither of the two people I’d thought they’d be. There is the blonde woman and the black guy, as in the first movie, but they take a back seat to some of the other characters. And Sarah Polley, who is the female lead here, is extremely underutilized. If you want to really see her act rent out the Canadian drama My Life Without Me (2004).

This remake also goes beyond the mall scenario. In the end the survivors end up rigging these small buses with armor and barbed wire-and then drive through the massive crowds of zombies in order to get to a boat so they can take refuge on one of the nearby islands. This is kind of the ending of Day of the Dead. You also have to sit through the end credits to find out how the movie really ends. The cameos, all within the same ten minutes at the beginning of the film, were entertaining. There’s Tom Savini as a sheriff being interviewed on television, Ken Foree as a tv preacher telling his viewers ‘that when there’s no more room in Hell the dead will walk the earth.’ And when several of the characters first set eyes on the shopping mall we see that one of the store signs says ‘Gaylen Ross’, which of course is the name of the lead actress in the original movie. I wouldn’t say not to see this movie. As zombie movies go it’s a good one. But don’t have high expectations of it equalling the original. You’ll be sorely disappointed.

Day After Tomorrow, The (2004)

Dennis Quaid portrays a paleo-climatologist whose theory pertaining to the last Ice Age, 10,000 years ago, becomes applicable to what’s happening in his present situation. The polar ice caps are melting and the ocean currents around the world are quickly dropping in temperature. This causes all kinds of weather problems, such as giant hailstones in Japan and tremendous twisters that destroy Los Angeles. It also causes three monstrous hurricane-like storms to develop over each continent, storms which are sucking down the extremely cold air from the upper atmosphere and bringing it to the ground. This instantly freezes everything in its path. Once the weather starts turning the Northern States are abandoned and the Southern half of the country makes way for the Mexican border. The only safe place in the world are all the ‘Third World’ countries. But Quaid has a son trapped in New York City and he vows to go and rescue him. So, equipped in his Antarctic gear, he and his two colleagues trek across country to a frozen Manhattan, looking for survivors. The special effect scenes of the twisters in California and the huge flood that overtakes New York City are simply amazing to watch. The effects greatly enhance the suspense of the film-because it makes the disaster all the more real, like watching an event on the Discovery or Weather Channel rather than a fictional movie. Although the premise presented in this feature has a very sped-up timeline it really does make you think about the future repercussions of mankind’s pollution of the planet. Rolland Emerich’s disaster epic delivers the goods-and, so far, is the best disaster movie of the 21st Century.

Daybreak (2006)

Detective Brett Hopper (Taye Diggs) awakens in bed with his girlfriend, Rita Shelten (Moon Bloodgood of Terminator: Salvation, Falling Skies). He leaves, goes his own place, where someone has left him a strange package in the mail. Once he’s in his apartment a squat team shows up and arrests him for the murder of State attorney Alberta Garza. The police find the murder weapon in his closet, with is fingerprints on it.

He escapes and is determined to find out who is framing him and why— but when the day ends he wakes up in the morning, at the exact same time as the day before. You see, he’s repeating the same day. The first several episodes have him repeat this day only once, where he tries to modify the outcome, then as things get more complicated and more people become involved, he’ll repeat several days within an episode. In one, where he decides to just take a break from investigating his own set-up, he takes off with his girlfriend to a beach in Mexico and it’s something like two weeks have passed.

There’s a subplot, which involves his partner, Andrea Battle (Victoria Pratt of Mutant X, Cleopatra 2525), and we think she may somehow be involved with is repeat. There’s also Hopper’s sister Jennifer, who may know something about what’s going on. One of the biggest thorns in his side is Chad Shelten, his ex partner and his girlfriend’s ex-husband, who may or may not be a bad guy. And there’s Detective Spivak (Mitch Pileggi of X-Files), who really seems to want to pin this assassination on Hopper. Of course, one of the best performances is by Jonathan Banks (Breaking Bad) as Shadow Man. He’s an evil f*ck who may have an answer to everything.

This is an interesting show, and while this one and only season was wrapped up in thirteen episodes it never explained WHY Hopper was experiencing the same day over and over. Why the time-travel other than to solve a series of crimes?

Day of the Dead (2008)

I am hating these sequels in “name only”, like  April Fool’s Day. This, however, is not only that but more of a sequel to Taurus Entertainment’s Day of the Dead: Contagium (2005), in which it’s an airborne man-made virus that’s turning people into zombies. There’s only some vague references to the Romero classic, such as some of the character’s names. And these zombies are not only the fast kind, they are hyper quick. In one scene several zombies are running through a hospital hallway and one is moving so fast he ends up scrambling across the ceiling. Goofy.

The movie takes place in a small town in Colorado and starts with the army trying to prevent the townsfolk from leaving town because they know the virus has been unleashed. Sarah (Mena Suvari) is a soldier from this town and goes back to her house to check up on her mother and brother. The mother has the bug and they take her to a hospital, where the next half of the film takes place. Then there’s lots of the typical running around, shutting doors, hiding, et cetera.

Unlike the original there are no underground mines. In the last third of the movie the survivors do make it to an underground bunker where the scientists had created this “Wildfire” virus and at this point the movie feels like a lame imitation of a Resident Evil movie far more than it does any relation to a Living Dead movie. The only decent scene in the entire film is five minutes in which a zombified Ving Rhames is crawling through an airduct after Mena Suvari. Otherwise this movie is a terrible waste of time and an insult to any horror fan out there. Crap. Utter crap!

Day of the Dead: Contagium (2005)

Taurus Entertainment should be ashamed for making this ‘sequel’, as it’s simply using the ‘Day of the Dead’ title to sell one of the worst zombie movies ever made. In 1968, at Ravenside Military Installation, a strange virus breaks free and turns the personnel into flesh eaters. The military comes in and shoots everyone in the head, but not before one of the escapees makes way with a vial containing a sample of the virus.Skip to present day. Ravenside is now a mental institution and one of the patients finds the vial. The virus slowly turns him and his friends into zombies and the whole place is soon rampaging with the creatures. The majority of the movie takes place in this mental institution, which is filled with the stereotypical characters (the understanding doctor with his own methods, the crazy fascist doctor and the horny orderlies who want to get the female patients alone). In addition to the story and dialogue being weak, the special makeup effects are piss poor and inconsistent from scene to scene. The continuity person must have been asleep. There are also variable speed zombies-sometimes shambling, sometimes running like in Return of the Living Dead. And like Return, the virus is spread by opening a sealed container. There’s even a ‘Tar Man’ type monster! Believe me, you don’t want to rent this flick out. I saw it for free and I still felt like I was immensely ripped off. The people responsible for this must not see movie are producer James Dudelson and director Ana Clavell.

Day of the Triffids (1981)

This is much better than the 1968 movie, though I don’t know how it compares to the book by John Wyndham, which I haven’t read. Bill Masen (John Duttine), recovering from temporary blindness, wakes up to find that the majority of the world is blind. And taking advantage of this are the Triffids, these huge iris-like plants that are able to crawl. They kill their victims with a toxin from this whip cord that comes out of their “mouths” and then wait for the body to decompose so they can absorb the nutrients. Rather than them coming from space with the passing of the meteors which caused everyone to go blind, these strange plants were created years before by mankind, in order to produce an oil that can be used. In fact, we see these cheesy newsreels about the plants that make them more silly than dangerous. And ironically, the reason Masen was in the hospital to begin with was that he was working on a Triffid farm and was temporarily blinded by one of them.

Masen meets up with Jo Payton, a young blonde woman who can also see, and they encounter a few survivalist type groups and are coerced into working with one, basically being leaders for groups of blind people. Eventually they take refuge at a lighthouse and live there for five years as the Triffid population grows—and waits—outside the electrical fence that surrounds their compound. The biggest threat, however, isn’t from the Triffids but other humans who insist “they know best”.

After watching this I realize how much the movie 28 Days Later is influenced by this (it’s almost the same movie, only with plants instead of pseudo-zombies!).

Day of the Triffids (2009)

It’s been thirty years since Triffids have been cultivated as a new source of renewable fuel, thus saving the planet from global warming. Dr. Bill Mason (Dougray Scott of Aeon Flux) is the son of Dennis Mason (Brian Cox), the scientist responsible for genetically modifying the plants all those years ago. Mason works at one of the Triffid refineries and is convinced that the mobile plants are able to communicate with one another. One day a protestor breaks in to the facility and in the scuffle Mason is stung by one of the plants. He’s rushed to the hospital where there’s only a 50/50 chance he’ll regain his site. That night, there is a spectacle of solar flares in the atmosphere and the world is watching. Unfortunately, the radiation blinds everyone who was looking at it, so when Mason wakes up in the hospital and is able to see, he sees all these blind people wandering about. Electricity was the only thing keeping the cultivated Triffids on the farms and when that goes, they begin to escape and find that blind humans are an easy source of meat.

On his wanderings Mason meets up with reporter Jo Playton (Joely Richardson of Event Horizon) who also has her sight. Mason thinks he may be able to stop the Triffids with the help of his father, who he hasn’t seen in years. But their journey is constantly interrupted. At first they run into a sighted group at a government facility and then a do-gooder named Coker (Jason Priestley) who wants to help all the blind people. In fact, he kidnaps Mason and Playton and handcuffs them to blind people so they’ll be forced to help. The creepy thug Torrence (Eddie Izzard) has joined Coker’s group and secretly gains influence. He eventually betrays Coker and leaves him to die by the triffids. However, he escapes with the help of Mason and they make way to a secluded convent in the country that has seemingly made peace with the giant plants. The Mother Superior in charge (Vanessa Redgrave) says God told her how to live with them. They find out that she regularly sacrifices people to the Triffids in hopes of appeasing them.

Eventually Mason makes it to his father’s house, along with two orphan girls he picked up on the way. There, he’s rejoined by Jo Playton, who escaped from Torrence’s group. Mason’s father has the idea to make the plants sterile and has bred a female plant there in his lab. But when Torrence shows up this plan goes to hell...

This is definitely the biggest budget Triffid movie made and I liked how these plants are made to be ferocious. They are sort of reptilian in the way their roots move. But it seems that these creatures are definitely on the back-burner, with the story focusing on all these different factions of survivors. I liked the first two adaptation of the Wyndham novel better. Although it’s most different from the original novel, I like the 1962 version the best.

Day the Earth Caught Fire, The (1961)

The special effects, combined with stock footage of natural disasters, make this a convincing “end of the world” movie. In England, tabloid reporters come across the information that the Americans testing a nuclear bomb have knocked the Earth 11 degrees out of its orbit, sending it closer to the sun. Within a month the planet will be uninhabitable unless they do something drastic-set off another explosion to hopefully knock it back on course. Much of the story involves hard drinking, hard living reporter Leo McKern (Bill McGuire) and his love interest, Janet Munro (Jeannie Craig). If this movie was made today—with the same dialogue—it would be a study in sexual harassment, though these women from the 60’s seem to take it all in stride. One of the more straight-forward, realistic disaster movies I have seen, up there with the Irwin Allen epics of the 70’s.

Day the Earth Stood Still, The (2008)

This is a needless remake that attempts to take the original story and make it into an action movie. The wooden character of Klaatu is fulfilled by Keanu Reeves and Jennifer Connelly is the Patricia Neal role. Only this time she’s given an adoptive African-American kid who sort of represents the emotional maturity of the human race.

The “spaceship” lands in New York City’s Central Park and the military shoots Klaatu as soon as he comes out. Then Gort reveals himself. Of course, this being a big Hollywood remake, they made Gort four times as large and have him as a CGI effect. In fact, the danger to the Earth comes from him when he disassembles into these micro-machines and starts dissolving civilization. It’s like they took the original movie and tried to make it into Independence Day. And as I watched it I realized that the actor who portrays the kid is Will Smith’s  son, Jaden. Coincidence?

The problem with this remake is that this premise has been used and varied upon so many times since the 1951 movie that it’s simply a science-fiction stereotype that no longer holds any interest. No matter how they jazz it up and try to make it visually interesting, the movie is still lackluster. I think the Earth Stood Still because it was bored to death.

Day the World Ended (1955)

An atomic war has destroyed the earth and covered it with a “radioactive haze of death”, except for a secluded desert valley that was protected by mountains and a strong wind. We see a guy, Tony, and a woman drive into the valley in their convertible, then two guys stumbling into the clear. They are Rick and Radik. Radik has been contaminated and may be dying. There’s also a house inhabited by Louise and her father, who had prepared for this end of the world scenario. Louis is pining away for her boyfriend, Tommy, who didn’t make it in time and is presumed dead. Soon, another survivor shows up, an old guy and his mule, Diablo.

Radik begins to get better, though he acts strange and goes out at night to hunt for game. He likes the raw meat. One day he kills a rabbit but a larger mutation shows up and scares him away. At this point we only see its taloned hand but when it is revealed, it’s horrible looking, with multiple arms and three eyes. Louise’s father wants her to marry Rick and start pumping out babies and she reluctantly agrees. However, she keeps on hearing a strange high-pitch noise and it’s the ugly mutation trying to communicate. It’s really her old boyfriend Tommy, transformed. There are scuffles between wise-guy Tony and Rick, since Tony wants to marry Lousie, and then between Tony and the father, who ends up shooting him.

The movie ends on an up note, with rain clearing away the radioactive haze and killing the mutants—and Rick and Louise leaving the valley to presumably repopulate the planet. Written, directed and produced by Roger Corman.

Day the World Ended (2002)

A child therapist (Nastassja Kinski) relocates for her job from New York City to a very rural town where everyone seems to hate this particular ten year old kid. He believes he’s different because his real father is an alien. His adoptive father (Randy Quaid) discourages him from talking about this. But soon, certain people in the town are killed in horrible ways by a terrifying alien monster—and it looks like the kid’s tale is true. Or is it? This made-for-cable Creature Feature has some really cool effects and death scenes and the story isn’t bad. If you’ve liked the three other Creature Feature movies than you should dig this one.

Daybreakers (2010)

It is 2019, ten years since nearly everyone had transformed into vampires because of a plague spread by bats. These are your Classic vampires—they can’t go out in the sunlight, they cast no reflection and their hearts don’t beat. Now, only %5 of humans remain and there’s a huge blood supply shortage for the vamps. If they do not get blood they start regressing into these animalistic, bat-like creatures with no reasoning ability.

The story centers around Edward Dalton (Ethan Hawke), a reluctant vampire who is the head hematologist for a huge corporation run by Charles Bromley (Sam Neill). He’s working on a blood substitute so humans will no longer be used as cattle. In fact, he’s stopped drinking human blood and he’s started to get the pointed ears. His “life” changes when he accidently runs a car filled with humans off the road. He helps them get away from the police and is later recruited for their cause. They believe they have found a cure for vampirism, which is exactly in the most unexpected way. Willem Dafoe is great as one of the human resistance fighters.

There is plenty of violence and gore and I particularly liked the regressed vampires, the “sub-dwellers”. This isn’t your “Twilight” type vampire. In fact, Daybreakers is one of the best vampire movies in years, a far better version of I Am Legend than that lame Will Smith movie from a few years ago.

Days of Darkness (2008)

This is an impressive horror movie, particularly in that it does something unique with the overdone zombie genre. A young couple, gone for several days camping up in the mountains, return to civilization to find most people dead and many transformed into zombies. They take refuge at an abandoned military facility where there’s already a group of survivors, ranging from a porn queen and her daughter to a used car salesman. It turns out that a passing comet is responsible for all the mayhem and the undead. In fact, the comet has carried with it some type of spore, which is responsible for the zombie infection. The zombies are all growing an alien organism within them.

Days of Darkness is a cross between Night of the Comet, Day of the Triffids and any Romero Living Dead movie. Highly recommended, one of the best horror movies of 2008. Directed by Jake Kennedy.

Daywatch (2007)

This sequel to Daywatch provokes the same response from me as the first movie. It’s a beautiful looking movie with great special effects and an interesting idea - but it comes off flat and empty and doesn’t really amount to much. Anton, who is on the side of good, is part of The Night Watch, who keep those ‘Dark Ones’ in check. The Day Watch, conversely, are those on the side of evil who make sure the ‘good’ don’t get away with stuff. Anton is training a woman, Svetlana, who will be a powerful witch, whom he is also dating. He doesn’t want to get too emotionally close to her, because of his past. Anton’s son, Yegor, is one of the Dark Ones (revealed in the first movie), something he has a hard time reconciling. Everyone is searching for a piece of magic chalk, ‘The Chalk of Destiny’, which can grant wishes and even reverse time itself. What is ultimately done with this artifact is predictable.

Dead, The (2010)

A plague in Africa causes the dead to rise as zombies. A caucasian air-force engineer, Brian Murphy, is the only survivor when his plane crashes off the coast. Now, he’s trapped there and has to somehow survive. The other main character is Sergeant Daniel Dembele, who abandons his post to return to his village. He finds everyone there dead or as zombies—and his son is missing. He wants to find his son. The two join forces when they meet up and eventually end at an isolated compound, filled with human survivors.

Yes, this may be the first zombie movie shot in Africa, but it adds absolutely nothing to this overflooded sub-genre. It reminded me of an Italian zombie movie more than anything else (like Zombie 4 or 5?). Oh, there are some gruesome special effects but that’s only ten minutes of this nearly two hour movie. And Rob Freeman, as Brian Murphy, is perhaps the worst actor I’ve seen in any movie. I kept on laughing every time he raised his eyebrows, rolled his eyes or delivered every line in the exact same monotone. The Dead disappoints.

Dead & Breakfast (2005)

From the get go I knew I was in trouble when the beginning credits started with a Rockabilly song and a lot of cartoonish graphics. More trouble started with the cliched music sound effects, such as when someone says something ‘clever’ and there’s a drum roll. A group of friends, on their way to a wedding in a mobile camper, decide to stop at a Bed and Breakfast. The owner (David Carradine) seems a bit cryptic, but that’s because he’s practicing some black magic. People begin to die but you don’t really care. Ever Carradine (David’s daughter), who looks a lot like Uma Thurman on a bad day, portrays one of the main characters. To say this is ‘camp’ is to insult that whole term, so I’ll use the word ‘lame’, which is far more accurate.

Dead & Deader (2007)

Dean Cain (Lois & Clark) is a career Army man who becomes sort of a “living” zombie after being bitten by a strange scorpion while on a mission in Cambodia. He and his deceased team are all sent back to the States in body bags, though he’s the only one who retains his cognitive resources. All the others are mindless, flesh-hungry zombies. If a person is bitten they almost immediately become one of the undead.

This is more of a horror/comedy/homage to other horror movies and there’s some funny scenes, such as when they are talking to a mortician and he looks over and we see one of those silver Phantasm balls on the table. There’s also lots of references to other zombie movies. Dead & Deader isn’t a great zombie movie by any means but it does have a good sense of humor.

Dead Air (2009)

n the opening scene a small group of Middle Eastern terrorists release a toxic gas at a basketball game in the city. But one of them accidently releases it too soon and it contaminates them all. Then it cuts to a radio station where “shock jock” Logan (Bill Moseley of The Devil’s Rejects) is beginning his show. His producer is his ex-wife, Lucy (Patricia Tallman of Babylon 5, Savini’s Night of the Living Dead remake).

This particular night Logan is talking with his listeners about paranoia. One caller is worried about aliens and their anal probes, another thinks he’s being bugged by the government and then a guy who hates muslims. Then some guy calls about something that’s happening in the city, right now, with people going crazy. This is soon confirmed when the employees at the radio station see it on TV. They see cops being pulled from their cars and a woman reporter attacked before the camera. This, of course, scares them. The co-host of the show, Gil, goes down to lock the front doors of the building, just in time, and sees the crazed people pounding on the glass, bleeding from their eyes. They’re not undead zombies but infected people. At this point Logan stops being his asshole persona and becomes more of a reporter of the news, wanting to help people. He’s worried about his wife and daughter who he can’t get ahold of since the phones are messed up. Gil volunteers to get on his motorcycle and check up on Logan’s family. He’s set up with a microphone and reports what he sees back to the radio station. The city is deserted—until he’s almost killed by a crowd of the maniacs. By the time he makes it to Logan’s house he’s bleeding from his eyes...the disease is infectious.

Dead Air is very similar to Pontypool but not nearly as frightening. It’s not a bad movie but if you’re looking for a zombie fix this probably won’t do it....sort of like drinking a sugar free soft drink. You want that sugar buzz and instead get something that gives you a vaguely unpleasant aftertaste.

Dead Alive (1992)

I hadn’t seen this Peter Jackson zombie movie since its opening week, nearly twenty years ago, and was surprised at how well it held up over-time. In part, I think it’s because it takes place in the late 1950’s. And those effects are impressive. It features “hyper” zombies, like that of Return of the Living Dead.

In an extremely funny spoof/homage to King Kong, this film begins on Skull island, where the rare Rat Monkey has been captured. The explorer is nearly stopped by natives and then is bit by the creature. Its bite is not only fatal but has another unexpected side-effect, which doesn’t end well for the explorer. Then, the movies goes to New Zealand. Lionel Cosgrove is a nerdy man, who still lives with his domineering, repulsive mother. A Hispanic woman, Paquita, after a Tarot Card reading from her grandmother, believes that he’s the guy for her. Their first date as at the local zoo, where that weird Rat Monkey is in a cage. However, Lionel’s mother is spying on the couple and ends up being bit by the weird creature. Furious, she kills it. Later that night it begins to change her—she develops these weird pustules. It gets worse when she has company over and contaminates some of the others. As people are transformed, including a priest and a nurse, Lionel locks them up in the basement, until he can’t hide them any longer. There’s even a weird zombie-monster-baby that’s born, which is unexpected. The end, in which he dispatches the majority of the undead with a lawnmower, is still amazing. However, the confrontation with his evil mother, in which she transforms into a giant monster, is almost exact same ending as The Boneyard (1991), which I thought was too much. Nevertheless, Dead Alive remains one of the best zombie movies of the 20th Century.

Dead Birds (2005)

During the civil war a group of bank robbers have a bloody shoot-out at a bank and take themselves and their gold to an old abandoned farmhouse to recoup. On the way through the corn field they come across a man, sack over his face, tied up like a scarecrow. They also shoot and kill what looks like a skinned dog when it comes charging at them. That night stranger things begin to happen. One of the men is pulled into a well when he hears the voice of a young child. A few others see demonic-looking children within the house. In the barn he African American member of the group sees a slave woman disembowled before his eyes. Through a memory flashback it’s explained that the owner of that farmhouse had performed a black magic ritual and opened a gateway to another world in order to bring back his dead wife and instead his two children were possessed by demons. He was tied up (that scarecrow at the beginning) and left for dead by the townsfolk for murdering those kids.One by one the bank robbers are possessed by the demons until only two survive. There’s also an unsettling, surprise ending. Although it has a vague similarity to Evil Dead, Dead Birds is more atmospheric, like the Clint Eastwood movie The Beguiled (which also takes place during the Civil War) and I found the creatures far more creepy. Also, having the events take place in the 1860’s succeeds in adding to its strangeness. Dead Birds is an effectively creepy movie, with a solid cast and unnerving special effects. It’s also the best horror movie I’ve seen so far this year (2005). This is not one to miss.

Dead by Midnight (1997)

Timothy Hutton (The Dark Half) is a man leading an ideal life. He has a perfect job and family and everything is right with the world. Until he wakes up from this fantasy and finds out that he’s really a dead man, brought back to live through cybernetics. A secret organization had him killed-and then experimented on him in hopes of creating the perfect secret agent, a being that could be reprogrammed with each new assignment. The woman scientist, who he thought was his wife in the computer program of his mind, starts developing feelings for him as well since it was she who wrote that particular program to begin with. She says that he’s experienced more than she ever has since she’s never been in love. But it’s a race against time for him to rescue his daughter before the conspiracy kills her—and he only has until midnight before he automatically shuts down. John Glover (Smallville, Gremlins 2), as the man in charge of this secret cyborg project, always plays a great villain. Kind of a goofy movie at times, both melodramatic and violent.

Dead Clowns (2007)

Clowns are creepy and dead clowns creepier, but who really wants to see yet another killer clown movie? Yes, there are actually enough of these to officially be considered a horror sub-genre. Anyway, the premise here is that clowns killed sixty-years before, when their train went off the tracks and plunged into the ocean, are returning to get their vengeance upon the townsfolk. Actress Debbie Rochon is throughout the movie as a mute woman hiding in her house. And there’s a crippled guy in a wheelchair who must fend off the zombie while wheeling around. There’s also a ton of stock footage of hurricanes, as the movie takes place during such a storm.

I think The Fog is director Steve Session’s inspiration here, but the low-budget and lame special effects are far too distracting. The clowns’ faces are all rotted away but their costumes look new. There are even some dead clowns with red rubber noses - but how are those staying put since they have no noses on their skull-heads? There were so many shots of the oversized clown shoes that I suspect that a good deal of the budget went towards purchasing those shoes (and renting those clown costumes). Dead Clowns is a session I could have done without.

Dead Creatures (2001)

This is director/writer Andrew Parkinson’s followup to his well-received I, Zombie. Rather than re-cover territory set in the original, here the zombies bound together in hope of making their last remaining months bearable. ANd the majority of the characters are women, most of whom had gotten infected by another zombie by being bitten. Although the writing, acting and direction is great, it took me about 45 minutes to start ‘getting into’ this movie, primarily because of how poorly it was shot. Lots of overexposed scenes, scenes that look flat—I’ve seen better looking Super 8mm films than this 35mm one. Oh well. Hopefully Parkinson will continue to make more zombie movies...his is an interesting premise.

Dead Don’t Die, The (1974)

In this Robert Bloch scripted television movie George Hamilton is a private eye in 1934 Chicago who discovers that the evil Doctor Varek (Ray Milland) plans to bring the dead back to life and take over the world with zombies. The film concentrates on the original concept of zombies—as servants.

The movie opens with Hamilton paying a death row visit to his brother, who has been wrongly convicted of killing his wife. Before being gruesomely executed in the chair he makes his brother promise that he’ll find the true killer. The following night he sees his dead brother on a darkened street and follows him into an antique store. A scuffle with the owner, a sinister looking Mr. Perdido, ensues and the owner is accidently killed—almost too easily. When Hamilton visits Perdido in the funeral home the murdered man opens his eyes and begins speaking in Varek’s voice—”The dead are my children. Perdido is dead. Now he’s merely an instrument.” Very stiffly the zombie reaches out and grabs Hamilton by the neck, then chases him out the door. Later, when Hamilton goes to the police and takes them back to the antique store, Perdido is there, looking very much alive. Not shambling around in classic dead guy fashion but moving and talking normally. The only difference is that he wears sunglasses—which he takes off after the police leave, revealing “dead eyes”. The zombies here are difficult to identify which makes them all that much more frightening.

While all of this is happening, a mysterious woman named Vera befriends the detective and saves him on several occasions. It’s no big surprise when she turns out to be a zombie, which she readily admits when Hamilton tries to kiss her. “I can’t. I belong to Varek because I’m dead.” She then undoes her necklace to reveal the scar encircling her neck—evidence of her acquaintance with the guillotine. Vera also explains that zombies can have their own will. Although she was sent by Varek to kill Hamilton while he slept, she disobeyed because she’s aware of how evil her “Master” is. After the confession she clutches her face and her body begins to smoke, as the film cuts to a hand holding a voodoo doll and another hand holding a blow torch. Vera runs out of Hamilton’s room, screaming, then bursts into flame.

When Hamilton finally confronts his brother and Varek in a cold storage building, he is able to break the spell the zombie is under by revealing that Varek is the one who framed him for his wife’s murder. His brother then drags Varek into the freezer and hangs him on a  meat hook. It’s not the end, though. Hamilton comes back with the police to an empty building and, as they drive away and the security guard waves goodbye, the film freezes on the man’s hand, which sports a snake emblem—the sign of the zombie. The unrelenting sense of dread and downbeat ending makes The Dead Don’t Die one of the most effective zombie movies made for television.

Dead End (2003)

Frank Harrington (Ray Wise of Twin Peaks, Reaper) and his family (wife, son, daughter and her boyfriend) are driving to the mother-in-law’s house on Christmas Eve when he decides to take a detour for the first time in twenty-years. They find themselves on an empty stretch of road, surrounded by forest on either side. Because of the monotony Frank fall’s asleep at the wheel and almost crashes the SUV. Soon after, he stops again when he sees a woman dressed in white alongside the road. It looks as if she’s been in some accident, as there is this big cut on her forehead. But we suspect that she is not quite human, which is demonstrated later on in the movie when she bites off one of the character’s lips. They keep on driving and driving, with no end in sight. Every time they do stop, though, whether it be for an abandoned baby carriage in the middle of the road or to look at a road sign, someone is attacked and whisked away by this big black old-fashioned looking car. They are soon found after on the road, mutilated or burned. The film also cuts to this extreme high angle shot of the car driving down this road, which shows they aren’t anywhere near a town. Simply unending woods. Because the events are so strange the audience begins to think that they might not be on earth at all but traveling in another dimension.The dialogue and character interaction is absurd and entertaining, contributing to the surreal feel of the movie. Not only does the daughter reveal that she is pregnant-but the son admits smoking pot, and the wife admits that the son isn’t really the father’s. And all of the characters freak out at their circumstances to varying degrees. The cast is strong, particularly Ray Wise as the father and Alexandra Holden (Wishcraft) as the daughter. Lin Shaye (Insidious, 2000 Maniacs) is creepy as the shrewish mother.In retrospect, the ending is obvious, but for some reason it never occurred to me while I was watching it. I think I was intentionally distracted by all of the ‘red herrings’ in the script. Dead End would make a good video night double feature with Monster Man (2003), a similarly themed-and entertaining—-movie.

Dead Girls (1990)

A popular female rock group, in the midst of a possible break up, decide to lay low for a while at a secluded house in the desert. It seems that their songs about death and dying are encouraging their fans to do the same. In fact, the younger sister of the lead singer tried to do just that-and was committed to a mental institution. Feeling guilty about all this the lead singer decides to take her kid sister along to the retreat-but strange things start happening. One by one people start to disappear. Is it the slow witted handyman, a vengeful fan, the sister, or one of the group members themselves? After watching this movie you will realize how unoriginal Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer truly are. Dead Girls is a slasher movie actually made in the 80’s that still holds up ten years later! Rent this out instead of seeing Scream 3!

Dead Hate the Living, The (2000)

As with the highly derivative zombie “epic” The Dead Next Door, this current zombie film simply reminds the viewer of all the other, much better zombie movies of the 1970’s. A group of low-budget filmmakers (originality!), in the midst of making their own zombie movie, awaken some real life zombies that are coincidently there. The lead zombie bears a strong resemblance to musician Rob Zombie and the other zombies, while nasty-looking, are only concerned with tearing their victims apart (off-camera) and not eating them. There’s scenes reminiscent of Return of the Living Dead, Night of the Living Dead, et cetera, all adding up to about eighty minutes of Zombie re-hash, which would be okay if the movie was entertaining. Director Dave Parker has a cameo as a drugstore clerk, perhaps a role that should be his true vocation.

Dead Life (2005)

There’s a reason why no one is making Super 8mm filmed features anymore. The format is difficult to control. There’s always blurry shots, colors tend to be off and the actors’ dialogue has to be looped-and the sound never matches up. In short, it makes even a good movie difficult to watch. Unfortunately, Dead Life is not even that.

Dead Link, The  (2003)

So far this is the best independent horror movie I’ve seen in 2003. Two guys and their girlfriends go in search of a hidden stash of gold in the desert but come across this dried out looking corpse on the way. And it looks like a mummified alien. So they haul it back to their grandmother’s house and put it in the shed, deciding what they’re going to do with it. This body may bring them more money than that gold they were looking for. The guy who first touched the alien starts having hallucinations and starts seeing through its eyes. It soon possesses him, as in your Linda Blair Exorcist type possession and those always creep me out. One by one the others in the group are affected and some are killed. This is an extremely engaging movie with likeable characters, good looking babes, a spider-dog monster and an unpredictable story with a satisfying conclusion. Directed by Ben Juhl, who also is one of the leads.

Dead Man’s Hand: Casino of the Damned (2007)

This newest Charles Band movie is very much influenced by Kubrick’s The Shining, which he readily admits in the “extras” - and that’s about all it really has going for it. A young man inherits an old abandoned casino out in Nevada and he and his friends go out to check it out. Of course, it’s haunted by some shady characters who end up killing everyone except this guy and his girlfriend (Robin Sydney of Right to Die, Big Bad Wolf, The Gingerdead Man). She again stands out as an actress to keep an eye on, as I barely recognized her from those other three movies. Oh, and there’s a brief cameo by Michael Berryman (original The Hills Have Eyes), which was cool. My favorite special effect was the skull headed zombie that had the slot-machine card eye sockets. That was creepy.

Dead Mary  (2007)

From the box art and title you think this will be one sort of movie, namely, a revenge ghost story, when, in fact, it turns out to be about something completely different. The movie begins with a couple driving up to a secluded cabin to meet their friends. Even though they broke up their relationship the night before, they still go out there, much to the dismay of their friends, who simply don’t want to deal with that crap. The first night they are bored so they play a game called “Dead Mary”, in which they have to look in a mirror and say her name three times. On the third time she is supposed to appear. Several of them do this and something very weird happens. I won’t say what happens, but I found it unexpected and it did make what I at first thought a predictable movie, interesting. Let’s just say that Dead Mary is like Cabin Fever meets Evil Dead meets Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Highly recommended.

Dead Moon Rising (2007)

This is a goofy, somewhat funny zombie movie about a group of guys who work at a car rental place and discover that the world has turned undead around them. It’s told from the point-of-view of Jim, who must also contend with two very different women, one of them his “ex”(girlfriend). The most entertaining character is Dick, the oldest guy who’s also the most bitter and jaded. He’s a hoot. While the writing is engaging, the execution is somewhat cheap. The shot-on-video looks like video (no 24 frames), the lighting is a bit overexposed and the zombies range from half-decent to grease-paint. Dead Moon Rising is perhaps only for the most die-hard zombie fans.

Dead of Night (1977)

This made-for-television anthology film from Dan Curits (Dark Shadows) begins with an omniscient voice-over that gives that familiar feeling of Rod Serling from The Twilight Zone. In the first story, Second Chance, Ed Begley Jr. fixes an old 1926 car which enables him to go back in time to that same year. A young couple takes the car soon after he parks it in town—but it turns out they are the ones who owned the car originally. However, his being there is enough to change history, which he finds out when he returns to his present time. This is a great adaptation of the Jack Finney (Invasion of the Body Snatchers) short story. In No Such Thing as Vampires a Professor’s (Patrick Macnee of UK cult series The Avengers) wife is seemingly plagued by a vampire. She wakes up with bleeding fang marks on her neck. This scares all of the townspeople, who hole up in their houses. The Professor calls in an old friend to get to the bottom of this and he finds out the culprit may be someone else entirely. In Bobby a grieving mother brings her dead son (Lee Montgomery of Ben, Burnt Offerings) back from the dead during a rainy night. Yet she soon finds out that he acts different and wants to kill her. In fact, it might not even be her son at all. This particular segment was remade by Curtis in his Trilogy of Terror 2 movie which was made twenty-years later. I think I like this original version better.

Dead of Night, The (1989)

This is, by far, one of the worst made-for-television zombie movies. Based upon the novel Walkers by Gary Bradner (which is not a good starting point for anything) and starring a tired-looking Lindsay Wagner (the original Bionic Woman), this four-hour movie concerns the pursuit of Wagner by “Walkers”. It seems that she narrowly escaped death and these zombies feel cheated that she isn’t one of them. The dead thus come back to life with the sole purpose of trying to “set things right”. Although the movie was three hours too long, it seemed like a great idea until I remembered a little known film entitled Sole Survivor (1982), which has an identical plot. The idea is also realized far better in any of the Final Destination movies.

Dead of Night  (1999)

A serial killer named Rook escapes to an island lighthouse and coincidently, the same stormy night, a nearby ship transporting prisoners sinks and they all flee to that island. They soon discover that all the lighthouse’s employees are beheaded—and one by one the prisoners and guards are slain as well by this silent serial killer (who looks like Hannibal Lecter). Soon only a woman doctor and a male prisoner are left alive—and they kill Rook with a flare shoved his his mouth. This catches the lighthouse on fire and they barely manage to escape. Basically, this movie follows the same plot line as Alien 3 but with a serial killer instead of an alien killing all the convicts, and not nearly as interesting.

Dead Season (2002)

Just when I thought the serial killer movie has been done to death along comes Ron Ford’s new movie, a cool twist on the genre. Jenny Barrett (Trish Haight in a superior performance), a slightly eccentric woman running away from an abusive husband, hitchhikes to the home of her idol, true-crime novelist Lucas Swan (Randal Malone). At first Swan thinks she’s just another crazy fan who wants his autograph-but is more friendly to her when he finds out she’s a longtime email buddy. Since she has no place to stay he offers her a room in his Bed & Breakfast establishment. It’s the off season, or ‘Dead Season’, so there isn’t anybody else in the place. That is, until a visitor from Swan’s past checks in-the very same serial killer who he had based his best-selling novel on. We’re not sure what the killer wants at first-and both Swan and Jenny are on edge until they decide to play a more active role and take matters into their own hands. Murders are happening again in the town and the police believe it’s Swan’s gardener, a mentally retarded man (Ron Ford). They arrest this guy and then take him down to the police station’s basement, where a guy (Joe Estevez, brother of Martin Sheen) with a baseball bat awaits him. This is the father of one of the victims who wants to get his vengeance. He starts beating the man but the gardener manages to take the baseball bat-and then beats the man to death. He escapes back to Swan’s, having no place else to go. Then, the police arrive...Dead Season boasts great performances by leads Randal Malone (Hollywood Mortuary) and Trish Haight (Jenny Barrett), plenty of cameos by genre-related actors and the best scene I’ve ever seen Joe Estevez in. It’s also unpredictable and has a surprising twist ending.

Dead Set (2008)

The type of zombies presented in this UK mini-series are the fast kind of zombies, like the Dawn of the Dead remake or 28 Days Later. In fact, this could take place in the same universe as that Dawn, as the only way to kill them is to destroy their brains.

The program centers around the “Big Brother” show, which is obviously way more popular in England than it is here. The zombie outbreak quickly takes over the world—and the show contestants are oblivious to what’s going on, since they’ve been isolated for months. That is, until a production assistant breaks in and tells them that zombies have taken over the world. She quickly is thrust into the leadership position which is challenged when the producer of the show, a total wanker, shows up, insulting everyone and demanding they do things his way though his way is likely to get them all killed.

Good special effects, surprisingly gory and a very downbeat ending, a la the original Night of the Living Dead.

Dead Seven (2000)

A drug dealer named Dawkins kills a retarded boy who stumbles upon him murdering someone in the woods. He pushes him into an abandoned mineshaft and leaves him to die. But the boy’s sister has supernatural powers and takes her revenge. Months later, everyone Dawkins knows is killed, one by one, in horrible ways. In the end he’s killed by the zombie boy. This was a pretty good movie with crazy characters, decent gore and an unpredictable story.

Dead Silence (2007)

This is one of the best movies from the “killer doll” sub-genre of horror films since Magic or Dolls. A ventriloquist dummy named “Billy” is mysteriously left on the doorstep of Jamie Ashen (Ryan Kwanten of True Blood) and his wife one evening. After he gets back from picking up some take-out Chinese food he goes back to his apartment to find the love of his life horribly murdered—and it appears as if the evil looking dummy is somehow responsible. He knows, however, that this has to do with the story of Mary Shaw, an urban legend from his small home town. She was a well-known ventriloquist who was buried with her 100 dolls when she died. He goes back to the deserted looking home town to bury his wife—and uncovers why the dummy was sent to him. It’s revealed by the local undertaker that murders similar to his wife’s have been happening since Mary Shaw’s death in 1941. She was murdered by the locals for a crime they thought she committed and her ghost has been getting revenge on those people responsible, as well as all of their descendants.

The movie is far more suspenseful and creepy than it is gory, and the effects, primarily of the murdered people, are horrific. The ghost of Mary Shaw is also one of the nastiest villains I’ve seen in a long time. She also reminds me of that old blind woman from the original House on Haunted Hill (which I’m sure is the inspiration for this), which scared the crap out of me when I was a kid. Go watch Dead Silence. It will creep you out.

Dead Snow (2009)

A lone young woman runs frantically through the woods, pursued by someTHING. She stumbles and it gets her, making hungry zombie noises. Then it’s off to a group of friends making their way to a secluded cabin. We later learn it was this victim’s family cabin. The group of friends ride around in an inner tube tied to a snowmobile, which I guess is what they do for fun in Sweden. They also play a game of Twister. One of the girls goes outside and freaks out when she sees someone in the shadows. It’s an old guy who wants a cup of coffee. He stays just long enough to insult them all and warn them that things are dangerous in the area. He even gives a long flashback story about the battalion of evil Nazi soldiers in the area. They treated the locals very badly for three years, until they rose up and killed them at the end of the war.The evil Colonel Herzog and his men escaped into the wooded mountains but became undead zombies for some reason. Perhaps because they were so evil?

The next day one of the guys is worried about his girlfriend not showing up yet and goes off to find her. What he finds instead is that old guy from the night before, ripped apart in his tent. That night the zombies attack the cabin. After one of the guy’s head is ripped in two and the brains splatter messily on the floor, his friend exclaims “I told you we should have gone to the beach!” The best scene in the entire movie is when the guy on the snowmobile encounters the Nazis and ends up hanging over the edge of a cliff by some zombie intestines. Yet, the rest of the movie undoes this, as they are constantly referring to other, much better horror films. The movie is supposed to be a horror comedy and the comedy does not work so well. Maybe something is lost in the translation.

After watching DEAD SNOW I can say that there’s no need for anyone to ever make another Nazi zombie movie, unless it’s a sequel to the unparalled SHOCK WAVES. Even then I’d be leery of those dead Nazis...

Dead Space: Downfall (2008)

This reminds me of a cartoon version of Galaxy of Terror. A deep space mining company finds an alien constructed object on a desolate planet. The ship takes a chunk of the planet for its ore and unleashes these manta-ray like aliens that then infect and transform nearby colonists into zombie-like, tentacled creatures. Tentacles are creepy.

Of course, the surviving crew has to prevent these aliens from spreading to other human colonies. There’s not much that’s new here but the pace is quick and there’s plenty of gore. If you need your Alien fix this will probably do.

Dead Will Tell, The (2004)

Made for Tv movie in which Anne Heche portrays Emily, a newly-engaged lawyer who has contact with the ghost of a dead woman from the 1960’s. The ghost is haunting her because her boyfriend gave her the engagement ring that her boyfriend had given her years before, right before she was killed. The only thing police ever found of her body was the ring-and the severed finger it was on. Emily must discover where the woman’s body is hidden-and also why she was personally chosen to take on this task. Let’s just say it has something to do with the man she is engaged to. This is a decent ghost story, along the lines of TV’s Medium and X-Files.

Dead Zone: The Fifth Season  (2006)

Season #5 begins and ends with a Greg Stillson episode and he’s in the middle as well, though the majority of the episodes are “stand alone” stories, with Johnny Smith solving crimes and/or preventing murders. The feel and tone are very different from the original Stephen King novel but this is still one of the better sci-fi/supernatural series of this past decade. The eleven episodes are not as good as seasons 1-3 but much better than the lame season four.

Dead Zone: The Final Season, The (2008)

It’s much better than season four but they kill off the sheriff Bannerman (Chris Bruno), one of the best characters of the series. In his place comes an out-of-town female sheriff with a grudge and a lot of the episodes revolve around her, which is kind of a waste of time since the producers are supposed to be wrapping up the various strings of the series...which they don’t do.

Now that the way is clearly for Johnny Smith to pursue a relationship with Sara (Nicole DeBoer) is does’t work out as planned and she starts dating Smith’s nemesis, Greg Stillson, who becomes Vice-President of the United States. Sheriff Bannerman is under suspicion for being corrupt, so there’s that whole needless subplot, which haphazardly ties in with Stillson and his gang. Johnny’s son turns out to be psychic, which throws a curve ball, as Johnny got his abilities from being in a coma—he wasn’t born with them (and his child was conceived BEFORE he was in his coma). Tom Skerritt has a cameo as Johnny’s long-thought-dead father, in a revelation that doesn’t make a lot of sense or is at all necessary. Skerritt, by the way, portrayed sheriff Bannerman in the original 1983 movie with Christopher Walken.

The feeling I have is that the producers thought they had one more year—and at episode nine (of twelve) figured they had to have some sort of resolution to things. I was hoping that the last episode, Denoument, would finally have the fatal confrontation between Smith and Stillson, so that Johnny saves the world from nuclear war—but the series is left on an open note, with Johnny, Sara and their son looking off into the horizon. Perhaps looking for that ending.

Deadfire (1997)

In the future the Earth is uninhabitable due to pollution and nuclear war. A massive ship is in orbit, harboring thousands of people in suspended animation while a small crew makes sure everything is operating okay. One of the security guards, after saving some lives by disobeying orders, is demoted to watching the ‘corpsicles’ as punishment. But this works in his favor when the ship is taken over by hostile forces, in the form of Matt Frewer as an evil leader. The security guard’s girlfriend (Monika Schnarre from Waxworks 2 & 3) is a scientist who has a way to purge Earth’s atmosphere of its toxicity and make it liveable again. In the end everything works out and there’s this hokey ‘Adam & Eve’ type scenario. C. Thomas Howell provides comic relief. Not the best space movie I’ve seen but it was a enjoyable ninety minutes.

Deadheads (2011)

Mike Kellerman wakes up to find himself dead. The vehicle he was being transported in crashed and he escapes the wreckage, to find himself in the middle of a zombie outbreak. In an homage to the original Night of the Living Dead, he comes upon a family that’s barricaded themselves in a house—and has to flee when he realizes they are shooting at him—because he’s a zombie! You see, unlike shambling undead around him he has retained his mental abilities. Soon, he meets up with Brent, who fills him in as to what’s going on. Brent is also a coherent flesh-eater.

However, Mike has amnesia—he has no idea how he died and he finds an engagement ring in his pocket, which makes him recall that he was going to propose to his blonde girlfriend. But it’s been three years since that fateful night. So, with little to lose he becomes determined to find her and propose. Brent likes his enthusiasm and so the two embark on a zombie road trip, meeting weird characters along the way. In fact, they adopt a “stupid” zombie, Cheese, who they treat like a pet dog. Of course, there are obstacles—such as the agency who has created the zombies to begin with—and their zombie hunters, one of whom looks like Wolverine.

My only gripe is that I didn’t feel that there was much connection between Mike and his girlfriend—there needed to be some flashbacks with them interacting with one another, to show their love, as this is what the whole movie hinges on. Nevertheless, for a low-budget, independent film, this has excellent production values and impressive zombie gore. It’s also a unique take on an overdone genre, having “smart zombies” trying to continue their lives. Recommended. Directed by Brett and Drew Pierce.

Deadhunter: Sevillian Zombies (2003)

Zombies are starting to walk the Earth and it’s up to the Deadhunters to keep them down. In Spain, this group of zombie hunters respond to the equivalent of 911 calls, then go out and gun down the creatures. The movie starts off with this guy in sunglasses, long black hair and a trench coat driving his sports car down the streets of the city. He finally arrives at his destination, goes up to the apartment-and starts stripping. IT turns out he’s the entertainment for a bachelorette party, not the main character which you immediately assume. Then there’s a knocking on the door-he goes to answer-and the zombie has ripped out a few chunks out of him. The women start screaming and one of them says ‘This is the worst Bachelorette party ever?’ Now I knew this wasn’t going to be a serious movie.There are lots of horror product placements. There’s a scene in a video store when one of the Deadhunters hits a zombie in the head with a copy of Peter Jackson’s Bad Taste and another scene where we see a copy of Fangoria Magazine. The ‘homage scene’ of zombies in a shopping mall is cool. Plus, there’s this really weird sequence of this guy fending off two of the undead by performing the ‘Dance of the Handkerchiefs’, the song of which plays in the background. Lloyd Kaufman has a brief cameo as a theater goer who gets killed.The zombie makeup is very uneven-some of it is decent, especially when they are more rotted looking with the dark green makeup. But many of them look like white pancake makeup on their faces, not that well done, as if the actors did the makeup themselves. In some instances the zombies are wearing a really fake looking mask. My biggest qualm is when the Deadhunters shoot there guns and nothing comes out, nor do bullet holes appear on the zombies. Kind of like mimes with machine guns. I don’t mind a movie being tongue-in-cheek, but this aspect about the movie annoyed me.On the up side, the movie is entertaining, well-shot and directed, and definitely leaves the possibility of more Deadhunter movies. Directed by Julian Lara.

Deadland (2009)

This post-apocalyptic movie begins with a guy making a cell call to his wife while out on the road. They’ve been separated for a few weeks and he’s making his way back home. But his call gets interrupted so he goes into the nearby gas station and asks if they have a phone he can use. There’s the news on the television and an anchor says LA has been bombed. Then there’s just static on the TV. He goes outside and sees the bombs falling—and a nuclear explosion in the distance. World War III has begun. Then, it’s five years later. Everything has a washed out look to it and is covered in ash. He steals a backpack from some guy and in it is a list of survivors in a nearby town. One of them has his wife’s name—Kate Johnson—and he’s convinced it’s really her, though that’s a common name. He meets a few other guys on his journey, has to fight a few others, until he’s abducted by one of the military gangs. It’s then that he finally discovers if his wife is alive or not.

This low-budget movie tries to be along the lines of The Road and The Book of Eli, though it has much more in common with the TV show Jericho albeit vaguely. The thing is, this is a boring movie. There are no mutants, no cannibals, no zombies. Just guys in army fatigues. In fact, the whole 107 minutes made me fatigued...

Deadline (2009)

Alice (Brittany Murphy of Cherry Falls) is a screenwriter who is staying at a big old house to finish a new script. She’s recovering from an abusive relationship from a guy named Ben and is terrified that he’ll find her. A friend of hers, who is more than a friend, drops her off. That first night she gets creeped out and has a weird dream. When she wakes up she explores the house and finds a box of home movies. Fortunately she brought her camera so she can play the tapes—and it appears to be the couple who previously lived in the house.

The movie cuts back and forth to Alice and the events that presumably happened in the house years before. At first it’s seen through the home movies but then cuts to an actual flashback in which the viewer sees the husband (Marc Blucas) endlessly videotaping his new wife (Thora Birch). The is recently pregnant and he says he wants to record everything for the child. The wife doesn’t like being videotaped but he doesn’t listen to her. In fact, he becomes more and more paranoid that she’s somehow cheating on him because he’s not paying enough attention to her. He’s practically stalking her in their own home. And since Alice keeps on seeing the woman’s ghost it looks like there’s not going to be a happy ending with this particular relationship. Deadline is very low key and moody. Those scenes with Blucas and Birch are very uncomfortable. It’s a good little ghost story which should have a better title. There are 40 previous movies with the title Deadline!

Deadly Friend (1986)

This Wes Craven movie doesn’t cut it. In fact, it doesn’t even cut the cheese. A fifteen-year-old genius moves with his mother to a small town where he can study artificial intelligence at the local university. At first his only friend is the robot he created, named BeeBee. Then he meets a boy his own age—and then the beautiful blonde girl next door neighbor (Kristy Swanson of Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie). When his robot is destroyed by the evil old lady in the town he freaks out—and soon after his next door neighbor girlfriend is killed by her father. Killing two birds with one stone he decides to resurrect her with the robot’s computer chip/memory. Least to say it doesn’t work out. Neither does the movie.

Deadly Impact (2009)

This movie does exactly what a high intensity thriller is supposed to do—keep up the momentum. Tom Armstrong (Sean Patrick Flanery of The Dead Zone TV series) is a cop who is forced to make a horrible choice. A criminal the police are after, “the Lion”, has captured his wife on Christmas Eve and has her tied up in a house rigged with explosives. Either he shoots the detonator or everyone there dies. However, the only way to shoot it is that he has to shoot through his wife, killing her. Either way she dies.

Then, it’s eight years later and Armstrong is drinking tequila at a bar in Mexico. An FBI agent Isabel Ordonez (Carmen Serano) shows up and says that the Lion is back in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and they have a lead on capturing him. It’s too strong a pull for him, so he agrees to go back as a consultant to the FBI. Of course, he has to face all those memories he was trying to forget and even finds out something that makes his wife’s murder all that more terrible. While this ex-cop is trying to redeem himself and capture this guy who destroyed his life, we also find out that The Lion (Joe Pantoliano) is also a master of disguise. He can sneak into any place he wants, unnoticed, and I thought this was very cool aspect of the story. The makeup effects are top notch. He’s like a villain from a Batman movie. The Lion is also a very sarcastic villain, which makes a lot of the dialogue extremely entertaining. There’s also appearances by 80’s genre star Amanda Wyss (original Nightmare on Elm Street) and director Bob Kurtzman has a cameo where he gets blown away.

I’ve enjoyed all of Robert Kurtzman’s previous movies, from Wishmaster to The Rage. While this isn’t exactly a horror movie per se it does feature excellent special effects and the film will have you really hating the villain. The end confrontation between the two characters is intense and has a great payoff. Don’t be put off by the generic action title, this is a gem of a thriller.

Deadly Intent (1988)

Great cast, horrible movie. Lance Henrikson steals a huge jewel from a tribe in South America, making sure the rest of the guys he is with are either dead or captured. He makes it back to the States but is soon killed by someone who is looking for the jewel. Lisa Eilbacher portrays his confused wife, who doesn’t know why people keep on breaking into her house and are trying to kill her...Maud Adams is an art gallery owner and Henrikson’s employer—and Steve Railsback (The Stunt Man) is the ‘hero’ one of the survivors of Henrikson’s exploration trip, who is also fooling around with Eilbacher. Persis Khambatta (Star Trek: The Motion Picture), Fred Williamson an David Dukes (Rose Red) are also looking for the fortune. Nothing much happens overall.

Deadly Intentions (1985)

In this four-hour tv flick Madolyn Smith (The Caller, Final Approach) realizes that her new doctor husband, portrayed by Michel Biehn (Terminator, Aliens) is trying to kill her. The majority of the movie consists of cat and mouse games, first psychological, then physical. Biehn’s descent into psycho-land is on par with Terry O’Quinn’s performance in The Stepfather (1987).

Deadly Invasion (1995)

This is a very straight-forward killer bee movie, with the prologue explaining how these Africanized bees are on their way to invading the U.S. We then go to a small agrarian town where a man (Robert Hayes) and his family has recently moved. A few killings happen at first-two teenagers on a date and then a local deputy. Then, the man’s son and one of his friends inadvertently discover where their nests are-and stupidly blast them apart with a shotgun. Well, the bees are mighty angry and form this huge swarm that attacks the nearest house—-which just happens to belong to this particular family. From this point on it’s the tried and true Night of the Living Dead scenario, but with bees instead of zombies. The whole second half of the movie is the family trying to block the windows, the vents, the door bottoms-and trying to figure out a way to get out of surviving.

Deadly Mantis, The (1957)

The first five minutes of this giant monster movie consists of maps and stock footage about radar, then one of these Northern radar stations is attacked. Then an airplane is attacked and the only clue is a part of a broken claw. But the authorities can’t figure out what it is, until they employ a paleontologist who says it comes from an insect. A very big insect. A giant preying mantis has awoken from its icy slumber in the North Pole and is making its way South, attacking ships and eating people along the way. They basically end up spraying it with bug spray (nerve toxin) to kill it. The effects of the giant mantis are good, though I particularly liked that shot of them using a real one climbing up the side of a miniature George Washington monument.

Deadly Scavengers (2001)

After a scientist is killed and his daughter disappears from their secret lab in the desert, it’s up to an elite mercenary team to find her—and what they discover is a giant man-sized cockroach that’s been hunting humans in the area. For the most part the giant roach costume, created by Mike Strain, is decent when shown with brevity and actor Tim Sullivan, as one of the mercenaries, thankfully tones down his performance. He eventually gets his bald head exploded. Roxanne Coyne also portrays one of the hired guns. Written, directed and photographed by Ron Fordt.

Deadly Swarm (2003)

This is one of the first killer wasp movies I recall seeing, but it’s just a substitute for your typical ‘killer bee’ story. This one takes place in Mexico, involving some previously unknown species of wasp that’s being transported by a secret government agency. The swarm killings are acceptable and there is good chemistry between the male and female leads. But why, oh why, do the producers of these ‘killer animal’ movies think they have to follow the JAWS formula, with the animal attacks always happening during a town festival, which has been warned over and over again that’s it not a good idea to have a party. What I thought particularly weird was that the wasps carry a cure for cancer. Only one in a hundred people survive their attack or something like that (I think I might have dozed off for a minute there)-and the person that does carries the antibodies to prevent disease-all disease including cancer. When the female lead is attacked and survives-she’s the carrier. But it’s clear that there’s no way she’s going to be a guinea pig-and therefore deprives the world of a cancer cure. Very strange message there....

Deadly Tower, The (1975)

Based on a true story, Kurt Russell portrays Charles Whitman, who killed thirteen people and wounded thirty-three others while sniping from the top of a University of Texas tower. I think this movie, not Escape from New York, is what changed Kurt’s image from the wholesome Disney star he was as a teenager....

Death 4 Told (2004)

Four separate tales, not connected, all with weak stories and resolutions. The first story is a stereotypical one about an author moving into a house that is haunted. The second story concerns a group of campers who are attacked by a very fake looking werewolf head that doesn’t match the actual shots of a wolf they have running through the forest. The third story, which is the creepiest, is about a reality show that is shooting in an abandoned insane asylum. And the last story, with the most production value, is the one with all of the known actors-Margot Kidder as a psychic whose predictions are coming true, Alicia Goranson (one of the daughters from the Rosanne sitcom) as a client, and Tom Savini as a killer (what else?). As anthology movies go this is one to pass by. Another horror clunker released by The Asylum.

Death and Cremation (2010)

Stan (Brad Dourif) is an odd, scarred man who owns a crematorium in a small town. He also kills people he doesn’t like. We see him kidnap and run over the head of a woman who is too pushy in a parking lot and later bash in the head of a snotty teenaged girl, Lindsey, who calls him a fag.

At the nearby high school a seventeen-year-old goth kid named Jarod is being harassed by David, a bully who thinks he has something to do with the disappearance of his girlfriend Lindsey. She had played a mean practical joke on him earlier in the week. Not only are things going bad at school— he lives in a crappy trailer, his mother is an alcoholic and dating an asshole. She tells him he has to get a job after school and he finds his way to the crematorium because dead things fascinate him. Stan is reluctant to hire him but he works for free—and eventually the two begin to bond. Things eventually spiral out of control when a local detective begins to piece things together. Stan kidnaps and kills David to help Jarod and Jarod kills his mother’s lame boyfriend by bashing him in the head with a bowling bowl. This movie offers an interesting story and characters, solid acting and enough gore to keep things moving. It reminded me of the Stephen King short story Apt Pupil. Recommended.

Death Factory (2002)

Although this is your typical formula horror film (six college kids in an abandoned factory who get killed off by the monster one by one) director Brad Sykes manages to make it effectively creepy with moody lighting, swift editing and gratuitous gore. The students, who simply want a place to party, enter this really run-down looking building. It turns out that eight years before it was the scene of a toxic chemical spill that killed a few people. It also turned one of the employees into a ravening monster (Tiffany Shepis) that looks like a cross between Angelina Jolee and Freddy Krueger.

Death of the Incredible Hulk, The (1990)

This last of the three movies made after the series is also the best. It manages to capture the feeling of the Bill Bixby show and brings the saga to an end.At first we see David Banner working as a janitor at a high security science lab and he seems to be mentally impaired. But this is all an act he’s put on in order to gain access to one of the scientist’s experiments which involves making humans stronger. He’s eventually uncovered by that scientist. After he explains who he is and why he’s here the older man agrees to help him find a cure for the Hulk. But a secrect Russian agency wants to obtain the scientist’s secrets and send a reluctant agent (Elizabeth Gracen of The Raven) in to steal the information. Unfortunately her break-in coincides with Banner undergoing the curative treatment and a fire breaks out. Banner, strapped in a chair, turns into the Hulk and escapes. Banner is later captured by the Russians. They want to eliminate that Russian agent but Banner interferes and they manage to escape to a hidden log cabin in the mountains. They stay there and get to know each other quite a bit better. Both are fugitives, both wanting to escape their past.In the end the Hulk climbs aboard a plane that the bad Russian agents are trying to escape in and it explodes, hurtling him hundreds of feet to the ground. He crashes into the concrete runway. A crowd of people rush around him and he transforms back into Banner—and he’s dead, finally at peace.

Death Race (2008)

I’m not the biggest Jason Statham fan but he was decent enough in Uwe Bole’s In the Name of the King, so I figured this movie couldn’t be that bad. I was surprised— this movie is quite good, exactly what a remake should be: the new director’s take on it. Although it does have its ties to the original, mostly in tone, it stands on its own.

The premise is that in the near future, 2013, an ex-race car driver is framed for killing his wife and is sent to a maximum security prison that also happens to be the home of Death Race, an online spectacle that millions of viewers watch each month. The prisons are run by corporations, for profit, and they make millions of dollars by having their prisoners kill each other, violently, in this two mile obstacle course race to the death. Our hero is to take the place of “Frankenstein”, a winning driver who was killed in the last race, and pretend that driver is still alive. The cold-blooded warden says that if he wins this next race she’ll sign his release papers and let him go. Of course, he doesn’t believe her and sets his own plan in motion for escaping.

This is one intense movie and the races are exciting because all the cars and stunts are real, not CGI like the Speed Racer movie. The majority of the CGI effects are limited to the driver’s deaths and also the exterior shots of the island prison. The one movie it did bring to mind was The Running Man, only with cars and without Arnold.

Death Race is definitely one of the best Summer ‘08 movies.

Death Sport (1978)

It’s the year 3000 and the surviving humans live in isolated cities. However, there are also these sort of magical nomads like Kaz Oshay (David Carradine), who walks around in shorts and a big cape. In the beginning of the film he’s pursued by a group of guys on motorcycles. He manages to kill a few of them with their own disintegrater guns but is knocked unconscious. When he awakens he finds himself in one of the cities. He’s to be part of Death Sport, which is a form of amusement for the public, like the ancient Coliseum. Also captured is another nomad, a woman named Deneer (Claudia Jennings). She and Kaz make plans for escape, though this means vanquishing all these guys on the “destructocycles”. There’s also mutants that live out in the rocky wastelands and they have to survive them as well. Oh, and Richard Lynch (Vampyre) is the movie’s villain, Ankar Moor, who has a history with Kaz Oshay. There’s a climactic sword fight between the two, thought I was surprised by the quick death scene.

This is all played serious, not tongue-in-cheek like Corman’s previous Death Race 2000, so if you’re expecting laughs look elsewhere. However, you’ll enjoy this if you are looking for a decent 70’s post-apocalyptic movie like A Boy and His Dog or The Ultimate Warrior.

Death Valley: The Revenge of Bloody Bill (2004)

The movie starts off with promise, as a drug dealer is on a high speed chase in the desert from a policewoman. He gets away but his car is shot. So he walks to the nearest town, which is an old West-looking village inhabited by zombies. He’s attacked and bitten. Then we go to the main characters of the story-a bunch of college-aged students on their way to a school debate. They end up in that town and have to fight off all of these zombies. There’s a backstory about how ‘Bloody Bill’ was killed by the townsfolk and that he had his revenge on everyone there. It still doesn’t explain why they’ve taken the form of flesh-eating zombies or why their bite is infectious (as in every other zombie movie). The problem I have the the producer/distributor, The Asylum, is that although they release many horror films each year and have good box art to go along with them, they seem not to know what the horror fan (not the buyers at Blockbuster) wants. There’s just no ‘umfh’ to their movies. They aren’t horror fans and it shows (just watch those stupid Scarecrow movies as a prime example). As a result this is just an adequate zombie movie using recycled ideas.

Death Watch (2002)

This is similar to another UK made horror movie, The Bunker. Rather than take place during WWII from the German point-of-view, this film is set in the trenches of WWI and involves a group of English soldiers preyed upon by evil. It also has a much higher budget and better production value.After they flee from poison gas, the soldiers walk through fog and come upon a German dug trench. Everyone is dead except for a few surviving German officers. It also looks like they had killed each other in violent ways, which is very puzzling. The soldiers decide to stay in the trench and wait for more troops to arrive, which is a huge mistake. For something starts messing with their minds, reanimating corpses, making them hear things that aren’t there. One by one they start killing themselves off, just as the Germans had done. There are lots of mud encrusted corpses, cringing special effects involving barbed-wire and a great deal of suspense in Death Watch. Watch it.

Deathlands: Homeward Bound (2003)

This is a fun movie, hearkening back to those 70’s Apocalyptic films like Omega Man or The Ravagers. Vincent Spano portrays Ryan Cawdor, who travels the post-nuclear earth with his half-mutant girlfriend, a weapons specialist and a brash youth who also happens to be a mutant. In a flashback we’re shown Cawdor’s early years, when his older brother Harvey killed his father and brother-and ended up putting out one of his eyes before he was able to escape. As chance has it he ends up back in his homeland and has to confront a past that’s been haunting him for twenty-years. We see that Harvey is quite insane and Harvey’s wife is incredibly evil (and was his step-mother!). Tracy Lords is great as sadistic Baroness. Cawdor and his band are captured and put in the dungeon, only to be the prey on one of Harvey’s hunts the next day. They eventually escape with the help of nearby townsfolk and Cawdor leaves with making everything right. For some reason this reminded me a bit of Roddenberry’s Strange New World/Genesis II and that Logan’s Run television series and Deathlands would probably make a fun series on the Sci-Fi Channel. Maybe they’ll be making more movie versions of these books (Deathlands series written by James Axler).

Deathmoon (1978)

An omniscient narrator, talking over a shot of the Earth from the perspective of the moon, tells that werewolves exist even in the Pacific Isles. Then there’s a native Hawaiian dance with animal masks, interrupted by a guy who looks like C. Everett Coop. All of this turns out to be the nightmare of a business guy, Jason Palmer (Robert Foxworth), who resembles that bearded guy in the dream. After talking to a psychiatrist about these continued nightmares what does he decide to do? He goes on a vacation to Hawaii.

At the hotel resort he meets a few characters, one of them being a blonde woman who he starts dating. She’s the vice-president of a company and is there on business. But one night after they are drinking at the hotel bar he walks off and has little recollection of that night. Maybe he’s dazed by the really bad Hawaiian singer in the lounge? This blackout concerns him so he makes an appointment with a local doctor, who tells him it’s probably stress. Afterwards he goes sightseeing with the woman and in an old church they see a photograph of his great-grandfather, who was a missionary on the islands in the 1800’s. This is the same guy we saw at the beginning of the movie, who attacked the natives. Jason has another blackout, though this time a stewardess staying in the motel is slaughtered. The hotel’s head of security (Joe Penny) gets a glimpse of him in his wolf man form and at first dismisses it as some guy in a costume. He soon starts thinking otherwise, especially when canine hair is found at the next murder scene. It turns out that Jason has a birthmark on his neck exactly like a scar that was on his great-grandfather’s neck, which suggests that he’s the reincarnation of that guy—and also cursed by this witch who put the werewolf curse on him.

This is an old-fashioned werewolf tale, with the tortured guy who can’t control his curse, complete with a time-lapse makeup transformation like Lon Chaney from The Wolfman. It’s how a wolf man is supposed to look, dammit, not like a CGI cartoon.

Recommended.

Deaths of Ian Stone, The  (2007)

Every time Ian Stone dies, whether it be hit by a car or shot, he returns to a different life. However, he starts remembering these previous lives and the more he recalls the more complicated his existence becomes. Also involved is his blonde girlfriend (Christina Cole of the tv series Hex). Ian learns that there are these vampire-like entities that sort of look like Mystique from X-Men crossed with the liquid Terminator from Terminator 2: Judgement Day (which is a little weird, considering this is produced by Stan Winston and Winston did the effects for T2). It’s an interesting, surreal movie, along the lines of Jacob’s Ladder.

Decadent Evil (2006)

It was simply a matter of time... Full Moon’s “SubSpecies vs A Puppet”. As soon as the movie began with fifteen minutes of footage from Subspecies (which in itself featured a vampire from Vampire Journals, one of Full Moon’s better produced movies) I knew I was going to be more than a little irritated. It did not disappoint in that regard.

Decadent Evil is primarily about a trio of vampire women who work at a strip club to get their victims. While this stereotype might be true in the sense that a lot of strippers are indeed vampires, I’ve seen this in films way too many times for it to be remotely interesting. So as soon as we’re introduced to them all the action takes place within their mansion, which really saves director Charlie Band time and money in not having to find any more locations (and to shoot the 50 minutes of new footage in a few days). There’s also this homunculus character that looks like a red, badly sculptured puppet. It grunts a lot and tries to go after the women. By the end of this movie I was simply shaking my head, wondering why I even wasted my time on all this. On the dvd extras there’s a “Message from Wizard Entertainment”, in which Band goes on and on about how, with this new company, he’ll only be working on movies he thinks the fans will enjoy (yeah, right) and that he’ll be producing and directing most all of them because he cares so much (and not the fact that he can’t hire any directors because no one will work for him). But hey, it allows Charlie to continue to explore his fetish with mini-monsters, so at least someone gets something out of this.

Decoys (2004)

This is a very forgettable movie....in fact, I have to type this fast so I don’t forget what I saw...It seems that female aliens are going to college on earth in order to impregnate themselves and save their dying race. As humans they look like gorgeous blondes-and as aliens are these dried up, tentacled creatures. Two of these aliens go after two college buddies-and one of them falls in love with the guy. The other wants to prove-and to get on tape-that the other one is a not of this world resident.The special effects are decent, I remember.There’s this ‘twist’ ending that simply doesn’t work-but that doesn’t matter because you’ll soon forget about it all.

Decoys: The Second Seduction (2007)

Those blonde-shape-shifting aliens are back, to freeze and impregnate hapless college males, at a different college. This sequel is a bit more “Tongue-in-cheek” than the first movie and offers nothing new. The blondes are much more “skanky” than “hot”.

Deep Blue Sea (1999)

This is a decent killer shark movie, though somewhat lacking in suspense. A group of scientists, trying to find a cure for Alzheimer’s disease, are doing experiments on sharks’ brains—but in order to do this they’ve had to make the sharks larger and their brains bigger. The three mutant Mako sharks rebel and trap the people in their underwater laboratory. Then, it’s a matter of them escaping before the sharks can get to them. The most surprising thing about this movie is that it kills off some of the main characters, something you don’t see very often in a Hollywood flick.

Deep Core (2000)

This is basically a low-budget ripoff of the movie The Core. A crew piloting an experimental drilling machine accidently plows into some magma and sets off an earthquake, which starts to have a domino effect across the world. If they don’t fix the problem then most of the earth’s land masses will be destroyed. Since this first drilling machine was destroyed a second one is sent to do the job. It’s crew is led by the Craig Scheffer (Killer Buzz) character, who is at odds with the funder of the project. Also on board are Terry Farrell (Hellraiser 3, Deep Space Nine), who looks really puzzled to be in such a cheap movie, and Will Wheaton (Eureka), who really should have stuck with Star Trek: TNG. Everything that happened in the movie The Core happens here but on a smaller scale, so if you’ve seen that movie then no sense seeing this one.

Deep Shock (2003)

This is a cheap version of The Abyss.  A rift has opened on the ocean floor in the arctic, which is warming the water and causing the ice cap to melt at an accelerated rate. If it isn’t stopped 90% of the land will be underwater in a matter of years. A sea lab tries to fire missiles to block it but are attacked by these huge electric eels. Everyone is killed. Another group of people is sent to investigate, led by David Keith (Sabertooth). He, of course, used to have a relationship with the woman scientist. There’s also a really irritating bad guy who really deserves what happens to him. Instead of aliens, like in The Abyss, the intelligent creatures are these giant electric eels, who have awakened from a long dormancy. They want to flood the earth to make way for their offspring.

Defendor (2009)

Arthur Poppington (Woody Harrelson), a slightly retarded guy, talks to a psychiatrist (Michelle Oh) and recounts his adventures as a costumed crime fighter called Defendor.

He’s being held in a psychiatric ward for observation. When he’s in his costume he really thinks he’s a superhero, though he often gets the living crap kicked out of him. He “rescues” a young woman (Kat Dennings of Nick & Nora’s Infinite Playlist)  from a dangerous situation on the streets and they become unlikely friends. Arthur has it in his mind that a certain local criminal is responsible for the death of his mother (who was also a prostitute) and is determined to destroy his empire. I believe this is supposed to be a comedy but I found it more sad and depressing than anything else. It’s an interesting “real-life” take on someone being a superhero, much more like the movie Special  than Kick-Ass.

Defying Gravity (2009)

In the year 2052 the crew of the Antares sets off on a 7 year voyage to conduct research in space. There are eight crew members, four women and four men. Two of the men, Ted Shaw and Maddux Donner (Ron Livingston), were last minute replacements for two others who came down with mysterious heart ailments. These two guys are famous for being the first to step foot on Mars—and also for abandoning their colleagues down on the Red Planet. This guilt plagues them, though they were ordered to do so by their commander, Mike Goss (Andrew Arlie of Reaper). In fact, Goss is the one who is heading the Antares project, which is no coincidence.

This television show is very similar in theme to Virtuality, and is edited like an episode of Lost, going back and forth from the present to flashbacks that explain certain things about the characters. There are some complicated relationships. Years ago Maddux had an affair with crew member Zoe Barnes (Laura Harris), and got her pregnant, and now he’s having the same dreams she’s having. He never knew she was pregnant. She’s guilt-ridden about having aborted her kid in order to keep her job. Jen Crane (Christina Cox), the biologist, used to date Shaw and is now married to one of the astronauts who was grounded. I especially liked the developing relationship between the ships “screwup” character and Paula Morales, who is videotaping the crew for a worldwide audience. Aboard the spaceship they are all having some weird things happen, that are tied to an alien artifact that their bosses know about. Is it because this artifact is secretly aboard the ship? The last few episodes wrap up the story line, when they finally make it to Venus. Their secret mission is to pick up another artifact, dubbed Gamma, which is some type of alien entity that may hold the key to the next step in mankind’s evolution. So there’s a bit of 2001: A Space Odyssey in there as well. If you’ve been itching for some serious Sci-Fi television this is it.

Deliverance (1972)

A group of four guys (Burt Reynolds, Ronny Cox, Ned Beatty, Jon Voight) decide to take a canoe trip down a Southern River before it gets turned into a lake-and don’t quite have the vacation they envisioned. First, two are held at gun point by the inbred locals and the one is forced to watch while the other guy is made to act like a squealing pig and is then raped. The Burt Reynolds character kills this guy with an arrow-and they all agree to bury the body and not tell anybody about this. On the way back, though, the Cox character falls overboard and the canoes get flipped in the rapids. Reynolds badly breaks his leg (with the bone sticking out) and insists they guy was shot before he fell into the water. The others believe him. Well, the Voight character manages to kill who they think is shooting after them-but when they get back to civilization the whole question arises as to if he killed the right guy or not. If you haven’t seen this movie rent it. It’s up there with The Hills Have Eyes, Just Before Dawn and even Wrong Turn. And entirely too plausible.

Delivery (2007)

Montgomery Goth (Matt Nelson) is a huge, bear-like loner who is dumped on by everyone he meets, including the people he’s delivering pizzas to. That includes kids and old ladies! His boss continually derides him and he’s plagued by nightmares about his mother’s murder and father’s suicide after he killed her. He’s mandated to go see a therapist but he doesn’t like the idea of taking pills, so his nightmares get worse. And life in general, gets worse for him. He runs out of gas one night, walks to get a gallon and comes back to find it being towed away. He does meet a girl, though, on one of his deliveries and she seems to be interested in him. But the night after she sleeps with him (his first time) she goes home and her brother hits her. When Monty goes to see her the next day he sees that she has a large bruise on her face - and she seems upset, saying that what they had last night was nice, but that she needs time. Of course, he’s upset.

The first hour of the movie is his “slice-of-life” (no pun intended) and how he’s mentally and physically abused (some Frat guys beat the crap out of him after the Sorority girls play a cruel joke on him) and the last half hour is when he snaps and methodically goes after them, one by one. In the film’s most gruesome scene he kills someone and then goes back to the pizza place and makes a pizza with the body parts. Delivery is a surprisingly realistic psychological profile portrayal of a guy “going postal”, while also being a nod to those Slasher movies from the 80’s, like Silent Night, Deadly Night and Evilspeak. Highly recommended.

Demolitionist, The  (1995)

Starring Nicole Eggert, who looks damn good in leather (never mind the act that she can’t act), and Richard Grieco, who portrays a pretty crazy villian named ‘Mad Dog’ this Bob Kurtzman (of the makeup effects team KNB) directed zombie as superhero endeavor comes off like a better produced version of Legion of the Night. But forget about the stupid, predictable story-it’s worth checking out simply to see the B Movie actor roster-Reggie Bannister, Bruce Abbott, Susan Tyrell, Sarah Douglas, Jack Nance, Tom Savini, Heather Langenkamp, and let’s not forget (though some of us try!) Bruce Campbell!

Demon Child 666 (2004)

The latest entry in the evil kid genre is a cross between Race with the Devil , It’s Alive and Gargoyles. Unfortunately, it does not meld together well. The acting and effects are okay, but the overall film is flat in momentum and murky in appearance-and some scenes seem to go on forever. A great deal of the action takes place in a moving camping vehicle and the shots are rock solid, no bumping around from the road. It broke the illusion of where the characters were supposed to be. The point-of-view shots of the demon child became monotonous as well. The only thing this movie did for me was make me sleepy.

Demon Hunter (2006)

Sean Patrick Flannery (Greg Stillson in the Dead Zone tv series, Indiana Jones in Young Indiana Jones) portrays a half human, half demon who hunts demons on behalf of the Catholic Church. The movie starts off well, with him being seduced by a Succubus. Then they introduce a nun (who looks like a badly cloned Athena Massey) who becomes his ill-fated sidekick. After about fifteen minutes you begin to realize that most of the actors seem as if they’re sleepwalking through this one. The movie is a pale imitation of the Joss Whedon series, ANGEL. And probably embarrassing for Demon Hunter producer Stephen J. Cannell.

Demon Resurrection  (2008)

This is a completely different type of movie than director Bill Hopkin’s previous Sleepless Nights. The film starts off with a group of friends visiting Grace, with the intention of doing an “intervention” on her, as they all think she’s on drugs. Ever since she started dating a guy named John her health has deteriorated. But John is the one protecting her from an old guy named Toth, head of an evil cult Grace belonged to. She’s been feeling ill ever since something horrible was done to her by Toth, something that’s going to come to fruition that very night. Toth warns the group of friends to leave before nightfall, when he mounts an attack on the isolated house by resurrecting long dead corpses that look like those zombies from the Blind Dead movies. From that point on it’s sort of like H.P. Lovecraft meets Night of the Living Dead. Yet, somehow, Toth’s plans go all awry. The movie has an immediacy to it, the acting realistic and it’s always good to see actor Joe Zaso as one of the bad guys, in this case as Toth’s driver/henchman. I especially liked those zombies, as it gave the movie a 70’s feel to it. Yes, it’s ANOTHER recent zombie movie but it’s a good one. Recommended.

Demon Slaughter (2003)

This is one of the better productions from 4th Floor Pictures, about a mob guy who must face the consequences of his actions. There’s zombies, the devil and some nifty explosion and gunfire effects from Laer Digital Effects. But it would have worked better if the setting took place in NYC or Vegas as I don’t associate the Mob with small towns, in which this was obviously shot.

Demon Slayer (2003)

Five young adults are sent to help clean up an abandoned mental asylum as community service for their petty crimes. They are all on tethers and an old black police guy watches over them. There’s a hispanic girl, an African-American girl & guy, a white punk and a white girl who is also a goth (and she’s psychic!).They discover that the asylum was built over the site of an old brothel, where terrible things happened. The goth chick sees images from the past and the black girl is possessed by demons, looking like one of the monsters from Night of the Demons. That always creeps me out with the white, pupiless eyes.There is also a priest, whose parents were killed there years before, and who likes to be a peeping tom with the young girls (well, better than the alternative). The goth girl turns out to be a descendent of the original demon cult and it’s ultimately up to her to stop the evil from emerging. Sure, this follows the same formula as a zillion other movies, yet it is entertaining. I thought it curious that the Brett Piper movie, The Screaming Dead, is very very similar to this production.

Demon Warrior (1988)

An evil American Indian spirit, which awakens on the old ‘Willard Property’ every ten years, resembles Raw Head Rex with feathers and a hatchet. It seems that it was conjured to kill the white man by a tribe chased off their land. Only this particular decade the descendant of the land’s original settlers decides to go on a camping trip with his friends, which really ticks off this monster. One by one the young adults are slain-until a modern indian shaman shows up to finally put an end to the absurd curse.

Demon Within, The  (2000)

I think Jeff Fahey is forever typecast as a psycho. Here he’s a former priest who dresses up in various costumes and kills women. There’s also another story about an art student who is having terrible dreams-and it turns out she’s dreaming about the murders Fahey is committing. This eventually makes sense because she’s living in the next door apartment to him! What at first seems like a serial killer movie turns into something else as it’s revealed that Fahey is possessed by an incubus, a demon that impregnates women with its demonic offspring. But there’s one problem the incubus made—-Fahey’s character is impotent. And a tarot reading suggests that the art student will either be killed by him or take the incubus into herself, thus becoming a succubus (the female demonic version). A decent supernatural thriller this is not, it’s just a bit too schizophrenic for its own good.

Demons: The Complete Series (2009)

Philip Glenister (original Life on Mars, Ashes to Ashes), doing an American accent, portrays monster hunter Rupert Galvin. He goes back to England and visits Luke Van Helsing, who has become a target for the supernatural. He explains to Luke that his father was a hunter, from a long line of hunters, and that it’s now his job to take on.

Of course, Luke’s mother knows nothing about this, and she’s kept in the dark. Luke’s girl friend, Ruby, however, becomes a part of the group. She has feelings for him which he’s blind to. And speaking of blind, they are also joined by Mina Harker (Zoe Tapper), a sightless musician. She does end being THE Mina Harker.

There are a variety of creatures that exist, which are classified by numbers, the lowest being the most stupid (trolls), the highest (such as vampires) the most intelligent. They encounter a demon, a pack of werewolf like creatures and of course, vampires. It’s the vampires I found the most interesting. In order to kill them you have to inject them with a live piece of their own DNA. Lots of story line is crammed into the six episodes and there’s a feel that it’s glossed over. The biggest problem is that the main character, Luke, isn’t all that interesting. Also, much of the music doesn’t fit the show, including the opening title sequence. An episode that arbitrarily used Motown tunes throughout had me scratching my head, ‘Why?’ Overall, I’m disappointed by this supernatural UK series. It is just not different enough from all the other shows out there.

Demons at the Door (2004)

The synopsis on the box and the artwork made this a promising end-of-the-world type movie. But once the movie started and there was ten minutes of scrolling explanation and voice-over, telling that Armageddon is at hand and that Satan has declared war on mankind, I started to think ‘Oh no’. The battle ends up being between a group of people who accidently open the sealed gateway to hell and the demons (Fallen Angels) that come forth. This includes an old archeologist and his daughter and a bunch of military types who are way overdosed on testosterone. The angel Uriel shows up, looking very much like a young Lou Ferrigno (and about the same acting ability), and explains to the humans what they have to do to survive. The computer effects are cheesy but the monster suits are fun and nasty looking. What ruins it is when the demons talk-the dialogue is inane and sounds as if it was dubbed in. The script is far too ambitious for its budget and the acting, for the most part, simply awful. The lead soldier (Rick Benedetto) is a Mickey Rourke wannabee, though Mickey Rourke’s acting is Lawrence Olivier compared to this guy. Leslie Brockett, as the female archeologist, manages to pull off her role-and I wished that more of the story centered around her. The movie degenerates into a messy ending where Satan turns out to be this little bubble-eyed dog and the soldier tries to take over the devil’s rule in hell. I suppose all this is supposed to be funny yet all I felt was dumbfounded.

Demon Divas and the Lanes of Damnation (2009)

This newest flick from Happy Cloud Pictures is, truthfully, not for me. It’s a “horromedy” (horror/comedy) that takes place within the confines of a small town bowling alley that’s run by a group of female demons. Two of the waitresses/workers, Lisa and Taffy, are having problems with some of the other college-aged women, who make fun of them and taunt them. Lisa is sort of “big boned” and Taffy is a nerdy Asian.

The demons want them to make a wish, which will turn them into demons and give them more power. While Taffy goes at it with a gung-ho attitude Lisa doesn’t want to kill anyone, particularly the one guy she’s in love with. There’s nothing wrong with this movie other than I didn’t think it was funny. And the multi-screen images throughout were more distracting and made me think of the series 24, which I don’t like. However, it is cool seeing all these “Scream Queens” together in one movie—Debbie Rochon, Brinke Stevens, Amy Lynn Best and Lilith Stabs. I do recommend Happy Cloud Picture’s Splatter Movie, though.

Descendent (2003)

Jeremy London and Katherine Heigl (Roswell) portray modern-day descendents of Edgar Allen Poe. London is a writer and Heigl is this sort of aimless woman who becomes sexually interested in him. Their involvement starts to mimic a tragedy that happened during their ancestor’s time-but will it happen again?The script seemed a bit too forced, the movie contrived and Heigl has this really weird hairdo that’s actually distracting. Descendent is another forgettable serial killer movie.

Descent, The (2006)

A group of athletic, thrill-seeking women get together in the Appallachian Mountains to go exploring a cave. The year before one of them lost her husband and daughter in a horrendous car crash, so the others are somewhat worried about her. It’s alluded to that the leader of the group-and the only American (the rest are British/Scottish), an Asian woman named Juno-was having an affair with that friend’s husband, so things are uncomfortable between the two women. At first the cave exploring goes well, until a small tunnel they crawled through collapses. Now they must find another exit. The bad news is that this is an unexplored system of caves, not the caves they thought they were going to be in. Juno, who was in charge of the location, lied to them and thought it would be more exciting to go somewhere where no one has gone before. But they are not alone. Living in the darkness are a type of human, the “Crawlers”. They are albino, blind, have extremely good hearing and are adept at clinging to rock surfaces. They are also carnivorous and view the women as food.

This movie actually made me jolt in my seat a few times and I found it creepier than 2005’s The Cave, which had a similar theme. In fact, I would say that The Descent is one of the best horror movies of 2006. I highly recommend it.

Descent Part 2, The (2009)

This begins exactly where the first one ended, with survivor Sarah Carter (Shauna MacDonald). The authorities have been looking for the 5 missing women for two days and Sarah is found wandering the roads, far from where the search is going. She’s taken to the nearby hospital but doesn’t remember anything. The past two days are a blank to her. However, the sheriff thinks she has something to do with her friends’ disappearances and suspects she may have killed them since she was found covered in human blood. So the sheriff takes Sarah, along with a search party, to an old mine that taps into the cave system below. The old lift still works, so they take that down to the lowest section of the mine, then find the cave entrance— and a dead human body. This is when the fun begins. There’s a cave-in and the group is separated while the underground dwellers make their appearance. Sarah goes off on her own, though she ends up protecting the female deputy, who she can relate with. There’s lot of claustrophobic scenes, lots of gushing blood and lot of grossness. Basically, everything that’s in the first movie is in this one too, maybe a bit more so. Plus, there’s a good surprise I wasn’t expecting.

The Descent Part 2 is a decent sequel and it’s interesting seeing a completely different group of characters in this situation, being stalked by these blind monsters. I also like the explanation why these creatures haven’t been discovered before, since they hunt the majority of their food above ground. It reminds me of author Richard Laymon’s Beast House book series. This could definitely be the beginning of an intriguing franchise.

Desperate Souls (2005)

A group of orphans, who all look too old to still be considered orphans, have themselves killed to unleash a supernatural power. Only one of them survives-and he tries to warn a group of camping teenagers from camping in the spot where they were slain (or else their bodies will be possessed). The movie starts with the ending, then is one long flashback until we’re brought back to what is happening. Rather kind of boring, to tell you the truth

Desperation (2006)

This fourth (?) Mick Garris/Stephen King collaboration is probably their best work to date. Ron Perlman (Hellboy, Quest for Fire) is entertaining as the insane, demon-possessed Sheriff who is rounding up any survivors and keeping them locked up in the local jail, as spares for when his current body wears out. The entity, named TAK, was released by mine-diggers and now it’s up to these people to defeat it. Tom Skerritt (Alien) portrays an aging, jaded author, Steven Weber (The Shining mini-series) gives a decent performance as his assistant, but Annabeth Gish is kind of wasted here, as it could have been anybody in that role.

Destination Inner Space (1966)

Scientists working at a research facility deep in the ocean (well, a few hundred feet deep) discover a genuine flying saucer below the waters. They go to investigate and find it totally automated. They also find a strange football-sized capsule, which they take back to their labs. There, is quickly hatches a giant man in a rubber suit monster that looks like a Japanese Kaiju—and it starts killing all the people. If you like Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea you’ll like this movie. And the politically uncorrect dialogue uttered by actor Scott Brady his darn hilarious. Sheree North, who portrays the female lead, would portray Kramer’s mom on Seinfeld 30 years later...

Destination Mars! (2006)

This homage to the sci-fi movies of the 1950’s is hilarious. It begins with a faux documentary, about how the movie was seized by the government during the McCarthy era, when the director sold out his cast and crew as communists. The people and the children of the people who worked on the film are interviewed, including the messed up daughter of the lead actress, who is ambivalent about seeing this lost movie. Then, we see the “restored” movie. If I was just flipping through the channels and came across this I’d be convinced that it was indeed a movie from over half a century ago— the acting and “look” of it are right on. The premise is that the race of Martians, who are much more advanced than Earth—and also all women, wage a war and it’s up to a guy who had made contact with the Martians when he was a kid to help put a stop to all this. It’s all very hokey, complete with racial stereotypes and everyone chain smoking cigarettes. This is a movie Ed Wood could have easily made. Destination Mars! is very entertaining.

Detour (2003)

I simply did not like this movie, primarily because it blatantly rips off two of my favorite horror movies—Race with the Devil and The Hills Have Eyes. And it doesn’t even rip them off well! The movie starts off with two lesbians with car trouble-a hooded guy with these hooks attached to his arm comes out of nowhere and kills them. Then we go to a bunch of really irritating twenty-year-olds who are traveling in a big mobile camper. After ignoring the warnings of a crazy looking gas station stop owner (how many times have we seen this?) they, of course, get stranded down the same desert road. Some of them wander off into the nearby rocky hills, to get killed, one of them walks back to the store for help, only to get killed, and the others stay, to possibly get killed. Eventually the cannibalistic killers show up at the trailer-all looking way too young and too clean to be inbred hillbilly cannibals. In fact, the main bad guy, who is bald, has this fake blonde hair glued to the sides of his face and to his eyebrows, which looks really really bad. I mean, the other makeup effects were decent-why is this particular one so awful? I mean awful!The last fifteen minutes or so of this movie pick up the pace-but as I said, it blatantly rips off these other movies from the 70’s and doesn’t do it nearly so well. What were these filmmakers thinking? Or not thinking? Avoid! Avoid!

Devil (2010)

This horror movie produced by M. Knight Shamalayan has a very simple premise.

Before the devil gets the evil souls he likes to torment them when they are alive and will take human form to do this. In this case it happens to be a group of five individuals trapped in an elevator. Everyone on board seems to be normal but they’ve all done something evil in their lives, something for which they’d go to hell. The investigating detective discovers this all began with a man committing suicide by jumping from one of the building’s top floors. The detective is still recovering from the hit-and-run deaths of his wife and son from years before, an incident that ties into what’s going on with this particular case...

And there are plenty of other killings, too, such as the demise of the elevator repair man and the security guards. Although half the movie takes place in the lift it’s definitely not boring. I can see this as a good direct-to-video franchise since it could have a different, unrelated cast with each new movie.

Devil Ant, The (1999)

I was entertained by The Devil Ant, primarily because it’s so earnest and goofy at the same time. It’s like watching a home movie made by a crazy relative. The director also plays several of the roles, sort of like Peter Sellers in Dr. Strangelove, in a strange way, one of these being a mad scientist, who in addition to drinking vodka and eating sardines, dumps a can full of nuclear toxin into the nearby river, thereby causing the creation of the said Devil Ant. The Devil Ant also sounds suspiciously like Nelson as well. A detective, also portrayed by “The Rock”, follows the creature to a local horror convention, thus having cameos by Conrad Brooks, Tom Savini, Roger Corman and Forrest J. Ackerman, who seems to have a good sense of humor about being cornered by this production.

David “The Rock” Nelson has far more enthusiasm then actual filmmaking skills, but that’s part of the deal, I suppose. On top of it, I got my own personal message from the director on my review DVD, which is perhaps as long as the movie!

Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell (1978)

Richard Crenna and Yvette Mimieux decide to get their kids a new puppy dog. But little do they realize that the dog is really a demon. Their maid warns them that the pooch is possessed and then she mysteriously dies. Then, the wife and the kids start to practice strange occult ceremonies. The husband learns that the dog is a Barghest, a demon dog which has captured the souls of his family. He goes to Ecuador and finds out how to dispose of the monster. This is one of those movies that is better than it sounds, like Zoltan: Hound of Dracula or Frogs. Directed by Curtis Harrington.

Devil Doll (1964)

Two old men escape from prison in France, wandering through a marsh for safety. One of the men (Lionel Barrymore) is a banker accused of killing a man and the other is a mad scientist who has discovered a weird process of shrinking animals down to 1/6th their size. They come to an old house and a crazy-looking woman, who looks like a cross between Igor and the Bride of Frankenstein, answers. This is the scientist’s wife, who has been continuing his experiments in his absence. They show Barrymore how they can shrink a dog down to miniscule size and he’s amazed. They explain, that with this device, they can solve the world’s overcrowding and food shortage, with everything only consuming 1/6th of what they normally would after they were shrunk down. But there’s a bad side effect-whatever is shrunk down does not retain its mind and becomes a blank slate, able to be controlled by the brain waves of another. After the mad scientist dies Barrymore agrees to continue his work, yet this isn’t altruistic. He wants to get revenge on the three co-workers who had framed him for the crime he was convicted of so he uses the process to get this revenge. The way he eludes police is that he has assumed the identity of an old Lady-and very much looks the part with a dress and a wig.There’s also a side story about Barrymore making peace with his daughter, who has learned to hate him for the past seventeen years. The miniature special effects are good, done primarily through huge sets that make the actors appear small. And the story is just so weird it makes for a fascinating viewing.

Devil Within Her, The (1975)

Sharon (Joan Collins), a former stripper, who had married a rich Italian (Ralph Bates) gives birth to an evil child. Through a series of flashbacks we learn that one of her old co-workers, a dwarf, was in love with her—and when she spurned him he put a curse on her. How do we know this? When the baby exhibits unnatural strength and violence we see the dwarf in his place, which is a bit unsettling. She expresses her concerns to her OBGYN (Donald Pleasance) but he’s not that concerned by the baby’s strength. Then, people start dying, including Sharon’s husband, who is hanged, and her stripper friend (Caroline Munro). The movie has a definite surreal feel to it and is unintentionally funny, such as when the off-screen baby throws a rope around his father’s neck and hoists him up, then hides the body under a sewer grate. This is perhaps one of the weirder horror films influenced by Rosemary’s Baby. In fact, the original title of this movie is Sharon’s Baby.

Devil, The (1981)

I’m not sure if this is a Thai or a Chinese movie but it’s an odd one. It starts off with a woman getting brained by a guy, then cuts to a ceremony where a woman is disembowling a screaming man, who has leeches, eels, centipedes and worms oozing out from all over his body. She’s reaching into his abdomen and taking out all these nasty creatures in order to cure him.Then we go to a story where a man falls in love with a woman, they get married-and it turns out that he just married her for her money. He turns out to be a complete asshole. Well, the woman who did that ceremony at the beginning of the movie turns out to be the woman’s aunt-and the man eventually meets a gruesome fate, complete with green ooze, worms and maggots. There are a few other deaths like this as well. It’s extremely disgusting-the effects are really good.

Devil’s Den, The (2007)

At first this seemed like another vampire as stripper movie, as with Vamp and From Dusk Til Dawn, until it turns out that they’re not vampires at all but ghouls, an underutilized monster if there ever was one.

Two guys (one of them Devon Sawa) decide to test a new aphrodesiac drug they are peddling on the strippers of a secluded strip joint and things go awry when they turn out to be other than human and start munching on the patrons. There’s also a woman government assassin (Kelly Hu) and a monster hunter (Ken Foree) who, coincidently (or not) happen to be there as well. They manage to fight most of the ghouls but end up barricading themselves inside the building so they ultimately have to fight their way back out. Also, in order to stop them all they have to kill the “Queen” ghoul, the woman who originally made the deal with the devil. Exactly who this person is becomes fairly obvious halfway through the movie, but it’s still entertaining. In fact, as it has the same mood and snappy dialogue as the first few seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, fans of that show will probably dig this as well.

Devil’s Ground, The  (2009)

This is along the lines of Wrong Turn and The Hills Have Eyes, though a it more convoluted. Daryl Hannah is driving cross country, in honor of her missing husband, and picks up a battered woman one night while driving through Pennsylvania. She explains that she’s been running through the woods trying to escape a vicious serial killer and that all her friends were killed. They were from Boston University and were uncovering an indian burial ground in Pennsylvania, in the hopes of stopping a new coal mine, but discover that a lot of those bodies are fresh. There’s someone who is doing a heck of a lot of killing.

Before they can say “let’s get out of here”, the college kids are killed by a crazed masked maniac until that story ends with the hitcher being picked up by Hannah. Then, the movie veers off in a totally different direction that had me going “huh?” as it didn’t exactly fit.

Devil’s Muse, The (2008)

This is one of those movies where there’s no straight narrative and it seemingly goes from the past to future, though often it turns out just to seem like the past, which I suppose is the point of the movie—that things really don’t change that much. Also, the actress who portrays Elizabeth Short also portrays the actress cast as her, Lisa Small.

A filmmaker is doing a film on The Black Dahlia and is casting women in the part. While this is happening someone is killing women who look like the Black Dahlia.

There are some gruesome “after” shots of what he does to them. Because it’s sort of done as a documentary you have the feeling as if you’re just watching these people, not characters in a movie, so it succeeds on that point. BUT I’ve seen at least five other movies the past several years on The Black Dahlia and I felt as if I really didn’t need to see another one. I simply didn’t get anything new from this. Directed/produced by Ramzi Abed.

Devil’s Rejects, The (2005)

This is one of the best horror movies made in the 21st Century, a throwback to those gritty 70’s killer maniac movies like Texas Chainsaw and The Last House on The Left. Although it’s a direct sequel to House of 1,000 Corpses and takes place much more in the ‘real world’-and the leads are put through hell as they try to avoid the evil Sheriff (William Forsythe of Relentless 2, TV’s John Doe TV series) who’s hot on their bloody trail. It also has a phenomenal cast of cult/genre actors such as Geoffrey Lewis (Night of the Comet, Salem’s Lot original tv version), Ken Foree (Dawn of the Dead, Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3)— and even a cameo by a very plump PJ Soles (Halloween), who portrays an unlucky innocent bystander. The first half of the movie is the unholy trio making their escape from the authorities-and killing people along the way. The second half involves the sheriff and his hired goons finding out where they are, then capturing and torturing them. What also helps in making the movie unsettling is the soundtrack, 70’s hits, which is at odds with the images the audience is shown. The ending is GREAT—I doubt any further sequels could be made with these characters. The Devil’s Rejects is highly recommended by this reviewer.

Devil’s Tomb, The  (2009)

A covert team of American Soldiers is dispatched to a secret archeological dig in the Middle East. Along with them is a priest (Henry Rollins) and two women, Doc (Taryn Manning) and Elissa (Valerie Cruz of Dresden Files). The leader of the team is Mack (Cuba Gooding Jr) and he keeps on having flashbacks to a prior conflict in which his partner was killed. Once down below they find a half dead priest and another guy, Professor Duncan (Bill Moseley of Texas Chainsaw 2), who is possessed by a demonic entity. He’s extremely creepy and keeps on talking, even when they put a dozen bullets in him. This place turns out to be where one of the Fallen Angels is imprisoned on the Earth and it look sort of like an alien. This movie has a good cast but the story feels way too much like John Carpenter’s Prince of Darkness—and that movie is far better.

Devour (2005)

Three long-time friends play an internet game called ‘The Pathway’, which has them do various things, such as the girl having quick sex with someone or a guy provoking a fight. This is relayed via a phone call, which often berates them into doing the task. The voice on the other end also sounds very much like their own voice, which is weird.First one of them dies, then another, leaving the survivor (Jensen Ackles of Supernatural, Dark Angel) wondering if it’s going to happen to him next. He also has these ‘waking nightmares’, which seem to come true. He soon discovers that everything in his life, including the seemingly random meeting of Marisol (Shannyn Sosaman of The Order), is not so random. And Satan him/herself may indeed have something to do with it all. Devour plays along the lines of a cross between Angel Heart, Feardotcom and Mazes & Monsters. It doesn’t add anything new to the genre but the cast is good, the acting solid and the special effects (particularly of the devil) are excellent

Dexter: Season One (2006)

This original Showtime series is a brilliant take on serial killers. Although I’ve seen movies where serial killers are killing other serial killers such as Hunting Humans and Goregoyles 2, this handles it the best way I have seen in a movie or television show.

Dexter Morgan was taken in as a foster child when he was three by a cop (James Remar) who found him in the midst of a truly horrifying crime scene. This ‘event’ caused him to disconnect with humanity. When he’s a kid his father catches him after murdering a neighborhood dog and then, when a teenager, these urges to kill are stronger. Because his father cares what happens to Dexter, he teaches him that he has to ‘pretend’ having emotions and being interested in things, in order to ‘fit in’ with society. His father also teaches him to kill under controlled circumstances, in which he’d never get caught. In the present day his father is ten years dead and he works as a forensics expert for the police department, specializing in blood splatter patterns. His adoptive younger sister, Debra Morgan (Jennifer Carpenter, who looks exactly like a young Joan Jett) is a detective and works at the same precinct. In fact, Dexter regularly helps her out with inside tips about murders they are trying to solve (since he’s usually somehow involved with what they are investigating). To focus his killing urge, Dexter goes after the serial killers that the police are unable to catch. This incudes a Cuban man and his wife who smuggle and drown refugees for money and even a psychiatrist to convinces some of his clients to kill themselves. Dexter also has a girlfriend, Rita (Julie Benz of Buffy, Angel) who thinks he is the most caring boyfriend in the world. One of the main stories continuing through the 12 episodes concerns the ‘Ice Truck Killer’, who neatly chops up and packages his victims and who knows who Dexter really is. By the first season’s conclusion you’ll be surprised who this other serial killer turns out to be.

Michael C. Hall (Six Feet Under) gives a strong, multi-level performance as Dexter and the show also has Benz’s best acting work to date. The show is also extremely bloody and will satisfy the most ardent gore hound, particularly when a pivotal scene from Dexter’s childhood is revealed in a flashback. Dexter is highly recommended.

Dexter: Season Two (2007)

It’s almost two months after Dexter Morgan killed the “Ice Truck Killer”, who was his brother, and he hasn’t killed anyone in all that time. Sergeant Doakes is suspicious of him and follows him around after hours, even to his bowling league games. His girlfriend Rita (Julie Benz) believes he has a drug addiction problem and he goes with it, using it as a cover, as he is addicted....to killing. But at one of the drug recover meetings he meets unconventional artist Lila, who quickly becomes his sponsor and eventually his girlfriend. She’s probably more crazy than he is. The police also discover his “dumping ground” in a sea trench off the coast of Miami and dub him the “Bay Side Butcher”. The FBI comes in, led by Special Agent Frank Lundy (Keith Carradine), whose speciality is catching serial killers. Dexter’s sister is working with him and eventually those two develop a relationship

What’s most different this second season is that he seems to actually experiencing emotions rather than just faking them, which is what he’s always wanted, and it’s an interesting growth to the character. Also, there’s a lot more sex—-and sex wasn’t something he was particularly interested in last season, as he sublimated those feelings through his killing. I’m not sure why the writers decided to to this except as a way of introducing character Lila (Jaime Murray of Botched and Deaths of Ian Stone), who puts Dexter’s secret identity in jeopardy. I didn’t enjoy this as much as the first season but it’s still a damn good show.

Dexter: Season Three (2008)

In the first episode serial killer Dexter (Michael C. Hall) accidently murders the youngest brother of a prosecuting attorney, Miguel Prado (Jimmy Smits) when he’s out trying to capture his next victim, a drug dealer. When the police are called in about that homicide, Dexter returns and makes sure he didn’t leave anything behind to implicate himself. However, he then meets Miguel, who takes a liking to Dexter and wants to be his buddy.

While Dexter still has his need to kill he does make sure he protects his girlfriend (Julie Benz) and her son and daughter family. In one episode there’s a child molester who takes an interest in the daughter and Dexter deals with him in a permanent way. Dexter’s sister, Debra, is still clueless of her brother’s activities. She develops a relationship with a guy who is her polar opposite. Miguel is frustrated about the justice system and wants to take the law into his own hands. He proposes that Dexter get him access to a white supremacist who is being held in a temporary cell, who they’ll deal with. Dexter ends up doing the deed but Miguel wants to do the next kill. In fact, he starts doing his own killings. This is all very dangerous to Dexter because there is one too many persons who know about his extra curricular activities. So he plans to get rid of Miguel, the one person he thought may be his first true friend. The season ends with Dexter getting married to his pregnant girlfriend Rita (Julie Benz), which I’m sure will present a whole new batch of problems for Season Four.

Dexter: Season Four (2009)

The Fourth Season begins with a sleep deprived Dexter Morgan (Michael C. Hall) living in the suburbs with his new wife and baby boy, Harrison. He messes up being a witness in court but later makes up for it by going after the murderer who was released. On the drive home he falls asleep at the wheel and flips his van. He’s not hurt very badly but he does have slight amnesia—and can’t remember where he put the guy’s body. Is it still in the van? Did it get thrown out during the accident? Or did he temporarily stash the pieces somewhere so he could later dump them in the ocean with all his other kills?

Special Agent Lundy (Keith Carridine), now retired from the FBI, returns to Miama on a personal project. He is after a serial killer he was never able to track down. He calls him the “The Trinity Killer” because he kills in threes. Lundy is also still interested in Dexter’s sister, Debra (Jennifer Carpenter), who he had an affair with in Season Two. Yet Debra is now living with her new boyfriend, Anton and she’s torn between the two men. In the meantime, they discover that the Trinity Killer is repeating identical crimes from thirty years ago. One is a woman killed in a bathtub, that looks like a suicide. The next is a woman who apparently jumped from a tall building. And the third will be an older family man bludgeoned to death. This all intrigues Dexter and he wants to find the guy as much as the police do. While his wife and kids are out of town attending a wedding, Dexter decides to kill someone to satisfy his overdue need. This is a woman police officer who killed her husband and daughter and made it look like a robbery. While he’s talking to her and right before he stabs her in the heart he’s overcome with emotion that he cares about his new family. This is something new for Dexter.

Dex figures out who the Trinity Killer is but is shocked to find out that this guy, who he thought was a loner, has a seemingly perfect family in the middle of the suburbs. Dexter pretends he’s someone else, Kyle Butler, and becomes friends with the guy (John Lithgow). He figures that he can learn from this killer who has managed to murder for over thirty years. Of course, Dexter finds out that there’s plenty wrong with this guy and that his family is terrified of him. The Trinity Killer is a very different sort of serial killer than Dexter. And because Dexter is off his game and is conflicted about having his own family, things get very complicated and out of control. In fact, I think this has the most shocking ending of any previous finale. Dexter is one show that I look forward to each season.

Dexter: Season Five (2010)

The first two episodes deal with Dexter grieving and adjusting to the loss of his wife, Rita, who was killed at the end of Season Four by the Trinity Killer. He feels he needs to do some killing, to work through it, and singles out a dead-anmal picker upper who also kills young women. However, when he kills the guy in his house he discovers that one of the victims isalive—and has seen him do the killing. But Dexter can’t bring himself to kill her—and ends up keeping her captive for time, until she settles down. This is Lumen (Julia Stiles). She wants revenge on he people who had abducted, raped and tortured her. And Dexter, seeing a somewhat kindred spirit, is willing to help her make her dream come true.

While all this is happening he’s also trying to raise his young son, Harrison, who he thinks may be following in his father’s footsteps when he hears words like “Die Die” come from the baby’s mouth. And Quinn, who is his sister’s partner at the police force, thinks that Dexter may have something to do with his wife’s death. He eventually hirs corrupt cop Stan Liddy (Peter Weller of ROBOCOP) to spy on Dexter—and Liddy sees some unsettling stuff between Dexter and Lumen. However, Quinn falls in love with Debra and knowing how much he brother means to her wants to drop this informal investigation—but Liddy thinks busting Dexter will get him back on the police force.

I didn’t find this season nearly as engaging as the previous four, primarily because the whole rape/revenge scenario has been done so many times. The whole serial killer vibe definitely took a backseat. And the main villain, Jordan Chase, pales in comparison to the Trinity Killer. He’s just annoying and is dispatched very quickly. So while I enjoyed Season Five I felt a bit let down.

Dexter: Season Six (2011)

The one thing I like about the Dexter series is that it’s different enough from year to year. When this new season begins he’s caring for his two-year-old son—and he seems to have a strong emotional attachment to the boy. He’s hired Angel Batista’s sister, Jamie, to be a nanny, and that’s working out. The first killing he does is with two paramedics who have been killing people to harvest their organs. Then, he goes off to his twenty-year High School reunion, where he’s regarded as something of a celebrity because of the high-profile murder of his wife, Rita. Everyone knows who he is— which poses a problem since the only reason he’s shown up at the reunion is to kill a fellow classmate who murdered his wife some years before. Meanwhile, Batista and Maria LaGuerta, who has married the end of last season are now divorced. And Dexter’s sister Debra breaks up with her boyfriend, Quinn, and is promoted to Lieutenant, which makes things a bit more complicated for her. The murders they are all investigating this time revolve around two guys who want to bring forth the Biblical apocalypse. These are Professor Geller (Edward James Olmos of Battlestar Galactica) and Travis (Colin Hanks), a former student. They think that by staging these scenes in Revelations, like the Four Horsemen, they’ll bring about it actually happening. Dexter discovers that Travis is one of the killers but keeps from killing him because it seems as if he’s just a misguided follower.

Also, there are some reminders of past seasons. In one episode the wife and daughter of the Trinity Killer is killed and the surviving son says it was his father who returned and did it. But Dexter had killed him so he knows the son is lying. Dexter sort of goes a little nuts here and takes off from work for a week to check this out, in Nevada, a long way from Miami. However, instead of his father appearing to advise him, it’s his dead brother, the infamous Ice Truck Killer. During this time Dexter kills a motel owner who steals his knives and tries to blackmail him. But Dexter ends of getting a grip on himself and returning to “normal”. There are some great twists that happens in the last few episodes and the cliffhanger ending is something we’ve all been waiting for. It’s something that we knew would inevitably happen—it will surely make Season Seven VERY different.

Diagnosis: Death (2009)

Andre’ Chan, a mediocre high school teacher, is diagnosed with a rare form of terminal cancer. His doctor recommends that he volunteer for a trial drug which could extend his life for several more months. At the hospital he meets eighteen-year-old Juliet, another guinea pig, who is still in high school. The doctor and creepy nurse tell everyone in the program that they may experience hallucinations, so when they start seeing weird things, like a bathroom flooding or a woman hanging herself, they think they are just imagining it all. At least at first. Then Andre finds the diary of famous author Charlotte Mansfield, who killed herself at this very hospital back when it was a mental institution. The ghost of the small child they see is that of her son, who she was accused of drowning in a bathtub. Together, Andrea and Juliet attempt to uncover the truth behind the author’s death.

This Australian movie works as a solid ghost story and also as a dark comedy. It’s honestly quite funny and had me chuckling throughout. Andre Chang is not your typical lead character/hero, for sure. The movie also has a POV shot from something I’ve never seen in a movie before, which may be a first. Diagnosis: Death does for hospitals what Shaun of the Dead did for zombies. Recommended.

Diary of Ellen Rimbauer, The (2003)

This prequel to the Stephen King mini-series Rose Red is a much better movie because it’s not so ambiguous. Within an hour and a half we’re shown how Ellen marries the rich Rimbauer and becomes corrupted by his sexual needs and fantasies. After a trip to Africa they return home to Seattle and start building the mansion, Rose Red. But the abode starts reflecting Ellen’s feelings, particularly about her unfaithful husband, who is having affairs with just about any woman he comes in contact with. And these woman start disappearing in the house, never to be seen again. Ellen has two children, a boy and a girl, but the girl has this horribly deformed arm that looks like a dried out chicken wing. She blames her husband’s infidelity for this. Eventually the house’s power grows and takes the daughter. And Ellen keeps on doing what the house wants, adding new rooms, continuing its construction. In the end her husband is thrown out a tower window by the spirits and she remains, probably the happiest she’s been since before her wedding.

Diary of the Dead (2008)

I had high hopes for the newest zombie movie from George Romero. However, in the aftermath of Cloverfield, perhaps one of the best “shot-on-video” movies every made, this seemed far too staged and the style a bit tiresome after a while. The premise is that a group of friends are out in the woods with their camper, making a horror movie for the filmmaker’s thesis film and this gets interrupted by newscasts that the world is being over run by the dead. What is impressive, and an improvement over Land of the Dead, are the CGI effects, such as when acid gets spilled on a zombie’s head and we see it being slowly eaten away. Otherwise, Diary of the Dead becomes “just another” zombie movie.

Die Before I Wake (2003)

This is a very well produced indy feature with a great title opening sequence. In fact, it has one of the best first five minutes I’ve seen in a low-budget movie. It seems that a bioengineering company in a small city has created a new virus, which has escaped and killed over eighty-people. The town is quarantined by the authorities. We then cut to a young woman who is wandering the deserted town, seemingly alone. Until she starts getting used as target practice by a masked assailant. Why does he want to kill her? She gets shot in the shoulder and narrowly escapes. Later, she sets a trap and knocks the shooter off the top of the building. But this doesn’t kill him. Then, we go to the same woman, looking rather insane, in a hospital. Was this all a hallucination? Or are these scenes in the psych ward made up in her mind? Later on, she meets another survivor in the desolate city, an old man, who legend has it, had survived in the nearby woods for the past fifty-years. His name is snake-boy. He’s a very odd character. The movie keeps on going back and forth between what may be real/what may be a hallucination and you don’t know, until the end, what’s really going on. My only complaint is that the movie dragged after the first half hour, it just felt like it was doing the same thing over and over and by the time it ended I really didn’t care. And the ending just didn’t work.

Die Hard Dracula (1998)

I’m partial to vampire films but watching this sucker was a real effort, primarily because it doesn’t work as a spoof (which it says it is) or as a horror movie. It’s basically a retelling of the Dracula story in a modern setting with character actor Bruce Glover as Van Helsing. There’s some decent cinematography, fantastic locations in the Czech republic, where this was shot, but all this is negated by this totally nonengaging movie. I fell asleep three times before I finished watching it!

Die You Zombie Bastards! (2005)

This unclassifiable, utterly hysterical man vs. zombie movie is one of the most unique-not to mention entertaining— films I’ve seen in years. A serial killer named Red Toole (Tim Gerstmar) travels the globe in search of his kidnapped, serial killer wife, Violet (Pippi Zornoza). He dons a red superhero costume with bright yellow boots and a cape made out of human flesh. She was abducted by the evil Baron Nefarious (Geoff Mosher), who wants to conquer the world by turning the populace into mean and bright green zombie slaves (they also have purple hair). He desires Violet because he saw her on the local television, ripping the throat out of a victim. Although she’s perfect, he must make some ‘modifications’. Red swims from Pittsburgh to Sweden, where he searches for clues as to the location of Nefarious, who lives on Hell Island, which is located somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle (though on the maps it’s on the wrong side of the world, West of South America). His help comes from Super Inga, who reveals that her nipples were melted off with hot cheese years ago...Oh, and there’s a lot of penis jokes & visuals, so beware if you’re easily offended. Well, if that’s the case, you wouldn’t make it past the first few minutes anyway. As far as sub-genre classification I’d put Die You Zombie Bastards! up there with Bride of Frank and Rock and Roll Frankenstein in terms of sheer derangedness. Die You Zombie Bastards! gets my highest recommendation. Directed by Caleb Emerson, Produced by Haig Demarjian.

Dimension of Blood (1996)

This double feature, written and directed by Oregon filmmaker Joe Sherlock, is an example of some creative ingenuity at the micro-budget level. You know that when the feature is introduced by a disembodied floating head doing a Criswell impression that the following video isn’t going to be all that serious. In the first story Dr Thomas Mobius investigates the origins of strange life forms discovered in South America-and becomes involved with some very weird goings on involving government agents, mutants and those pesky ‘MIBs’ that tend to pop up in alien movies. Actor Tom Shaffer is very believable in the lead as the befuddled scientist. There’s also plenty of well done gratuitous gore to spice up this concoction. The second story, Monster in the Garage, while entertaining is a bit long with the party sequence but once the dimestore monster comes along is pretty damn hilarious. The part with the alien savior speaking Japanese instead of English through its translator had me in stitches.

Dinocroc (2004)

This is perhaps one of the worst giant alligator/crocodile movies ever made. The monster itself looks like a cross between a tyrannosaurus and a crocodile when it should really look like just a crocodile. Sure, it’s supposed to be prehistoric but the body shape of the creatures haven’t changed that much in the past 70 million years. It’s also entirely computer generated which makes it look like a big goofy cartoon character. As for the plot-well, this movie follows just about every other giant animal movie that’s premiered on the Sci-Fi Channel, which means that it rips off the tried-and-true Jaws formula. So I won’t even repeat it. What a croc.

Dinosaur Babes (1996)

If you’re looking for a decent prehistoric tale, with Amazonian warriors and cool stop-motion dinosaurs, then this is the movie for you. Several cavemen, on a brontosaurus hunting trip, return to their village to find it destroyed and their women taken captive by the enemy tribe. They plan on sacrificing them to their god, which happens to be a nasty looking T-Rex. There’s even a crashed spaceship and some aliens about.

Dinosaur Island  (2002)

This animated feature is not to be confused with the Fred Olen Ray movie (1994) of the same title. Although it’s a family oriented picture it’s still an interesting adaptation of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s The Lost World. As part of a new reality show, four teenagers are chosen to participate in a Survivor- type television show. They are Alex, Leo, Jackie and Margaret, representing four different races (Chinese, African-American, Hispanic, Caucasian). But on the way to their destination their plan is caught in an electrical storm and they are forced to parachute out into the jungle. They land on an isolated mesa inhabited by all sorts of dinosaurs, including Stegosaurus, Triceratops, Pteranodons, Raptors and T-Rex. Their biggest problem comes in the form of prehistoric humans, Homo Habilis. Trapped between an angry tribe and a Tyrannosaurus, they have to find a way to escape...Although it’s a family oriented picture it’s still an interesting and entertaining adaptation of Arthur Conan Doyle’s The Lost World.

Dinosaur Valley Girls (1997)

Is an enjoyable no-brainer about a down and out action star who is transported, via a magic amulet, to a time when women bared their breasts and dinosaurs roamed the earth—er, valley. On hand are cameos by William Marshall (Blacula) Karen Black (Trilogy of Terror), and. The movie was also directed by Donald F. Glut, author of The Dinosaur Dictionary. Recommended with a six-pack.

Dinoshark (2010)

This Roger Corman produced flick begins with stock footage of glaciers falling into the ocean, then cuts to computer animation of something that looks like a mighty big tadpole emerging out of the ice. Then, “Three Years” later a diver is eaten by something mighty big. And it looks prehistoric. The main story begins in Mexico, where Trace McGraw (Eric Balfour of Skyline, Haven TV series) has returned, giving tours on some guy’s yacht for the summer. It seems as if he’s fled something. He meets up with an old friend who is part of the local police and we get the sense that Trace indeed has a shady past. There’s also a girl who works in a bar, who is interested in him. Out on the water, Trace witnesses some people being eaten by a huge fish. He does some quick research on the internet and is convinced this is a prehistoric animal. When he tells this to others they don’t believe him— until it’s too late (of course). While I found the story boring the monster actually looks pretty cool. My favorite scene is when it eats a para sailer. And producer Roger Corman has an acting bit s Dr. Reeves, who knows all about the prehistoric critter.

Dinotopia (2002)

This ABC Television ‘mega’ series is based on the two Dinotopia books written by James Gurney. This is a huge island where dinosaurs (who have intelligence) managed to survive the ice-age and where they live in harmony with all the humans who had shipwrecked on the island during the past thousands of years. This Disney produced series uses this premise and comes up with a whole new story that takes place with present day characters (the books take place in late 1800’s). The first two hours are somewhat painful—stereotypical characters with stereotypical problems (two half-brothers that are opposites, who don’t get along, who like the same girl)—but the movie picks up in the 2nd and 3rd parts when they are acclimated in to the dinosaur friendly society and we are introduced to the different facets of the various cities. The CGI effects are extremely well-done, though I could have done without the obligatory ‘cutesy’ characters Disney always seems to think they need for the kiddies (the talking birds and Zippo, the nerdly dinosaur). What really makes it worth watching are the scenes with the pteranodons. If you need a dinosaur fix you won’t be disappointed.

Dinotopia: The Series (2003)

This short-run series is far less spectacular than the higher budget mini-series based on James Gurney’s Dinotopia books. It continues that story of a father and his two sons stranded on an island where people and talking dinosaurs (well, they’ve evolved since 75 million years ago) live together. The series also introduces ‘The Outsiders’, those who don’t like the dinosaurs and live like bandits in this cliffside castle. Their leader is LeSage (Lisa Zane of Freddy’s Dead, Profit), and she’s the best character in the series because she’s unpredictable. The best episode is a time-travel one, where one of the brothers is forced to repeat the same scene over and over again until he ‘does the right thing’. The best scenes are when the T-Rexs eat people. There’s also a ‘behind-the-scenes’ included in the 3 dvd set, though this is may be confusing as it’s narrated by one of the actor brothers from the mini-series, who was replaced by another actor in the series.

Dirty Pretty Things (2002)

This is a gritty and realistic-feeling film about the illegal organ harvesting business. Okwe is an illegal immigrant living in London who never sleeps and works several non-stop jobs to make money. One of these jobs is working the front desk at a hotel. It’s here he has met Senay, a Turkish girl, who is in the same situation. She’s in love with him but he won’t allow himself to be with her because of something he did in his past.

Okwe learns that there are illegals who are selling their organs for money in order to get passports - and that the surgery happens in a room in the hotel. When the creepy hotel manager (Sergi Lopez who was the evil stepfather in PAN’S LABYRINTH) discovers that Okwe was a doctor in Nigeria, he tries to blackmail him. But his plan for the man doesn’t exactly work out how he thinks it will.

Disaster! (2007)

This clay-animated spoof of disaster movies is right on. There’s the Armageddon type plot, the hero who looks like Vin Diesel and dozens of other pokes at end-of- the- world type movies. If you were disappointed by the puppet-movie Team America then rent this one out. It’s a hundred times better. Funnier are the extras, which includes a Star Trek and Forrest Gump parodies.

Distraught (2006)

In a house by a graveyard a guy tied to a chair is being tortured to death by someone wearing a skull mask. Among other dismemberments this masked man chops off one of his victim’s fingers and drills a hole through the top of his foot with a power drill. In between the tortures he shows him baby toys. Now why is this guy torturing the other guy? Could it be with the scene at the beginning where the police tell a man that his son is dead-and that this victim turns out to be the the guy who killed his kid? That’s what I immediately assumed-and I was absolutely right (this isn’t a spoiler-you’ll guess the same thing after ten minutes). Distraught is brutal but a bit overdone-and the special effects are not the best to dwell on, which the movie does. It’s also about a half-hour too long because we already know what’s going on.

District 9 (2009)

I liked District 9...it’s like an inverted Independence Day crossed with The Incredible Mr. Limpet. Seriously.

It’s explained that twenty years ago a huge alien ship, a mile across, entered Earth’s atmosphere and then hovered over Johannesburg, South Africa. For weeks. Mankind manages to get inside it, to find the aliens weak and malnourished. They are refugees. Now, the immigrants are all forced to live in a barricaded slum and are referred to as the derogatory term “Prawn”, because they look like humanoid shrimps.

Wikus Van De Merwe is a government agent who is given the job to evict the aliens from their homes and relocate them to a new facility miles away from the city. This does not go very well. He’s accompanies by armed soldiers and there’s fatalities on both sides. They interrupt some alien experiment that is happening and Wikus gets splashed with some type of liquid, which soon starts to transform him into a Prawn. The government finds this out and wants to experiment on him, since he’s the only human, ever, who is able to operate the alien weapons. All of their technology is organically based and is keyed to their alien DNA. Wikus does not want to be dissected and so escapes back to the alien slums, where he finds an unlikely friend and comes to a new understanding about the aliens.

This movie operates on several levels. It’s a fast-paced action film, a social commentary and a touching drama. And it has some of the best computer animation I’ve ever seen. Definitely check this movie out. It is not just another “alien movie”.

Disturbia (2007)

This movie is a teen version of Hitchcock’s Rear Window. Shia Labeouff (Transformers) is a teenager under house arrest after he attacks one of his high school teachers (the guy deserved it, though). His mother (Carrie Anne Moss) is also taking away his cable and computer priveleges. Bored out of his mind, he starts to spy upon his next door neighbors. There’s the beautiful girl (Sarah Roemer) who just moved in next door. And then there’s Mr Turner (David Morse), who may be a serial killer. He tries to tell the police this but it’s a case of ‘The boy who cried wolf’. Disturbia quickly moves along with no surprises whatsoever. It’s Hollywood at its paint-by-numbers method at best.

Dividing Hour, The (1999)

Four guys rob a bank and flee to the countryside, get into a car accident and take refuge in a nearby house inhabited by a young woman and her near-comatose father. Everything seems a bit off kilter in a sort of Lovecraftian way, until the middle of the movie, then thing REALLY start to get weird. Although remarkably similar in plot and tone of the Italian film Graveyard Disturbance this film is a great example of what low budget, shot-on-video movies should be-entertaining, with good characters and a decent production values. It is also manages to be far scarier and creepy that most Hollywood-lensed horror films from the past several years. The film also features some extremely well done, Evil Dead inspired special effects involving stop motion and morphs. Director Mike Prosser also portrays one of the bank robbers.

Do or Die (2003)

Twenty years in the future mankind is divided into two factions, the ‘cleans’ and the ‘infected’. The infected are those people who have this man-made virus in them and they must take medication every day or they will age a year for every month. These people are looked down as fourth-class citizens, with few rights. The cleans, on the other hand, have all the benefits of society. When one woman’s husband is revealed as a ‘crossover’, an infected who has an implant in him in order to pose as a clean, she begins to question her society. And she’s also carrying his child, which is also infected. Because of this she carries to term in just several weeks. She bands with an outlaw group her husband worked with and hopes to find a cure to the virus. In charge of the company that produces the maintenance serum is a really sadistic character, played to the hilt by Nigel Bennett (Forever Night). He has very little regard for those infected. Eventually the woman finds out that the only real cure comes from the mother’s brain stem-and she makes the ultimate sacrifice to rid her child of the virus. This movie reminded me of those 70’s apocalypse movies.

Do Over (2002)

This is perhaps the best time-travel television series. A guy in his thirties gets knocked in the head and wakes up to find himself back to 1981. And he’s fourteen years old. However, he still has his 34 year old mind. In his present time his parents went through a bitter divorce and he tries to prevent this from happening by bringing them closer together in various ways. He also tries to prevent mistakes in the past from happening. He confides in his best friend that he’s from the future, which takes some convincing, though his friend ultimately believes him. His mother is always inventing things, that if she patented, would become a millionaire. His father, on the other hand, keeps on making bad investments with things like Asbestos. Do Over is like Square Pegs meets Back to the Future.

Doctor Who: A Christmas Carol (2010)

The Doctor’s two companions, Amelia Pond and her new husband, Rory, are in the honeymoon suite of a space liner when it gets caught in the atmosphere of an Earth-like planet. It looks as if they are going to crash because of the force field the human colony has around it. The Doctor (Matt Smith) appears planet-side in hopes of saving his friends but the man in control is an old miserly guy who doesn’t care if anyone dies. He actually owns most of the planet and is in charge of a huge cryogenic facility which houses “surplus population”. If any family owes him money he freezes one of them as collateral. The Doctor (Matt Smith) tries to change his crotchety ways by going back in time and befriending him as a child. But this fails to change his present situation. Although he changes some events he also creates some that make the old guy how he is. Of course, being a Doctor Who episode there’s some really strange stuff, such as the planet’s fish which don’t swim in water but swim in the atmosphere. There’s a harrowing sequence in which a hungry shark breaks into the the boy’s bedroom and nearly gets him and the Doctor. I loved this Holiday Special. It’s one of the more interesting versions of the Charles Dickens novel.

Doctor Who: Dreamland (2009)

This is a computer animated Doctor Who episode, a bit of a departure from the regular show. It begins with a flying saucer crashing in the desert in the 1940’s and a road sign says “Welcome to Roswell, New Mexico”. Eleven years later The Doctor appears at a roadside diner to get some chili. There, displayed on the counter, is a piece of alien technology from the Roswell crash. He accidently activates it with his sonic screwdriver. Then, a “man in black” enters and demands he hands over the gizmo. The Doctor, the waitress and a customer, Jimmy Stalkingwolf, flee and encounter a ten-foot tall bug alien called a Viperox. They get away from it only to be captured by the U.S. Military and taken to Area 51, aka “Dreamland”. It’s run by gruff Colonel Stark, who wants to erase their memories of the alien encounter by exposing them to amnesia gas. The Doctor manages to break them free and they try to escape through the ventilation shafts. They find themselves in another room where a depressed looking Gray alien is prisoner. It’s revealed that the Colonel is working with the Viperox—and the bugs want something that the Gray alien had created. It’s up to The Doctor to sort everything out. Although I didn’t really like the computer animation (everyone looks too stiff and block-like), the advantage of it is that they are able to do an episode that is bigger in scope than the average show, with numerous spaceships, helicopters, explosions and various aliens that wouldn’t have been done justice with a costume.

Doctor Who: Planet of the Dead (2009)

This second “Special”, following the events of Doctor Who’s fourth season with companion Donna Noble, has The Doctor on his own in present day London. He boards a double-decker bus in search of a spacial rift—and the vehicle, along with the passengers, is transported to another planet. Also on board is Lady Christina (Michelle Ryan), who has just stolen a multi-million dollar gold artifact from a museum.

One of the humans on board is a low-level psychic whose abilities have been magnified—and she insists that “death” is coming for them. Christina appoints herself a the groups leader and she and the Doctor go out exploring the desert landscape. They come across a fly-like alien and are taken to his spaceship, which had crashed. They discover that this world was populated by billions of beings a year before but that something turned them—and their cities and all other life—into grains of sand. The creatures responsible are these stingray-like beasts that devour planets. They are the ones who created the wormhole, as part of their natural life cycle—and soon Earth will be on the menu. The Doctor is able to communicate with UNIT on Earth and with the help of a crazy scientist manage to close the wormhole just in time. This is an interesting story because it seems like Christina would be his ideal companion, but he refuses to take her along on his adventures. The tale also hits that the Doctor will face death soon, which culminates for this version of The Doctor in The End of Time...

Doctor Who: Season Two (2006)

David Tennant takes over as the Doctor and blonde Billie Piper continues as Rose Tyler, though, sadly, it is her last season as his travelling companion. The primary villain this time around are the Cyber-men and, of course, the Daleks show up to launch an attack on the planet Earth. There is time-travel and much more horror-oriented episodes, as compared to the first. There are werewolves, vampire bat looking aliens and ghosts. In fact, there’s a two parter in which they confront the entity known as Satan, which is imprisoned deep beneath a planet in orbit around a black sun. This second season of the Doctor Who revival is more entertaining than the first.

Doctor Who: Season Five (2010)

In this new season actor Matt Smith takes over reigns as “the Last Timelord” from David Tennant. In the first episode the Doctor crash lands the Tardis in Scotland soon after his regeneration and meets child Amelia Pond. He tells her he’ll be back soon but when he returns years have gone by and she’s a young woman, about to get married. She had thought that he was an imaginary friend all these years and is both thrilled—and angry—that he has returned. He rescues her from a creature that’s been living in her house. She becomes his new companion. Then, on their first adventure, The Beast Below, go to a thousand years in the future where all the nations of the Earth have fled into space to avoid solar flares. The United Kingdom, though, doesn’t seem to have an engine, yet it still moves through space. They learn that they have enslaved a huge creature called a “space whale” and that is what’s propelling the massive craft. At the end of the episode the Doctor gets a call on his telephone and it’s Winston Churchill, requesting help. However, when they get there it’s a month later and England’s leader has found a possible solution to defeating the Nazi threat. He reveals this to be the Daleks, which he insists a human scientist has created. It’s an interesting episode which again keeps the Daleks as one of the Doctors most threatening enemies. Then the “Weeping Angels”, aliens featured in the very creepy BLINK episode from a few years ago, return. They look like human sized statues of angels but move when you aren’t looking at them. As with many of the doctor who episodes, it combines sci-fi with horror.

Another two-parter is when they visit a small town in Wales and are trapped near a facility that has drilled a 21 mile hole into the Earth. This has disturbed something and some local residents are pulled beneath the Earth, as is Amy. They soon discover that the creatures responsible are the former lords of the Earth, the Silurians, a race of intelligent lizards. Very cool, as it’s like a 50’s B Movie. In Vincent & The Doctor, The Doctor and Amy go to visit Vincent Van Gogh after seeing a recent art exhibit. ALthough there is an ugly monster, it’s a touching episode in its depiction of the mentally tortured artist.

There’s a continuing threat through all the episodes, that there is a crack in the universe that is getting larger. At one point, when the Doctor reaches into it he pulls out a destroyed piece of The Tardis—which suggests that he’s responsible for the oncoming disaster. River Song, who seems to be a long interest from the Doctor’s future, appears and is instrumental in helping the Doctor set things back to normal. I must say that I really like Matt Smith in the lead, as I do Karen Gillan as Amy Pond . This season has a great mixture of episodes and a solid story line. This show keeps on getting better and better.

Doctor Who: Season Six (2011)

The season begins with Companions Amy and husband Rory being summoned by The Doctor to the American West, where they are met by two other people. One is River Song and the other is an old government agent who they’ve never met before. But he tells them that they’ll meet again. They do meet a younger version of him, when they travel to 1969. There are these aliens, the creepiest version of “Gray aliens” I’ve ever seen, that are manipulating events. They are only seen when directly looked at—then people forget they exist, so they are virtually invisible. There’s also a disturbing incident in which someone in an astronaut’s spacesuit seemingly kills the doctor. But it’s hinted that this particular version of the doctor is two hundred years older than the one they’ve known.

In another episode they encounter pirates, under attack by a Siren. In “The Doctor’s Wife”, they answer a distress signal and find themselves on a junkyard-like planet, run by some weird individuals. We meet the human incarnation of the Tardis, which gives that machine a completely different perspective. Then, it’s on to a future Earth where they encounter a group of humans extracting dangerous chemicals. They’ve created clones of themselves, to do the most dangerous work, but these clones revolt. And they manage to clone the doctor. In “The Girl Who Waited”, Amy is trapped in a quarantine facility—and is stuck there for over thirty years. Can they undo this and get the “young” Amy back? But perhaps the best story is the one which reveals the identity of River Song, who was first introduced in a Season Four episode—and what her relation is to the Doctor, Amy and Rory. It’s not totally surprising but it fits very well and adds quite a bit to the context of their relationship. Season Six is a much darker and grittier this season. It’s not my favorite, as it doesn’t have the sense of adventure and “fun” the previous season had, but it definitely advances the series into a different direction.

Doctor Who: The End of Time (2009)

This two-part story wraps up what is basically season five and is David Tennant’s last appearance as The Doctor. The Master (John Simm) has managed to return back from the dead, only his regeneration process went awry so now he’s burning up his energy—dying—and so is always hungry. He even eats people. He’s helped by a rich guy who wants immortality for his daughter and thinks The Master can repair this alien machine they recovered from the now defunct Torchwood facility. Instead, what he does is transform everyone on Earth into copies of himself. Everyone is changed except for Donna Noble and her grandfather. The origin of The Master is revealed and even the Time Lords make an appearance—and it’s understandable why The Doctor doesn’t want anything to do with them. It does have a sad ending in which he must sacrifice himself to save an innocent guy, though this entire scene is very similar to Spock’s death in The Wrath of Khan. Afterwards he is weak and knows he’ll soon regenerate—but he doesn’t want to lose his current body or personality.

While he still has time, he appears to take one last look at all his recent sidekicks and friends, from Donna Noble finally getting married, to Martha Jones, Sarah Jane Smith and even Captain Jack Harkness. It also introduces the new, much younger Doctor in the last few minutes as the Tardis goes crashing back down to Earth.

Doctor Who: Genesis of the Daleks (1974)

The Doctor and Sarah Jane Smith are sent back in time by the Time Lords to try to prevent the birth of the Dalek’s, those malevolent machine/mutants who want to exterminate all life. They appear on the planet Skaro to find a war still going on between the Kaleds, the “norms” and the Thals, their enemies. Both sides look human in form, except for the ancient, sinister doctor Davros, who has a cybernetic third eye in the middle of his forehead and scoots around in an electric chair that looks like half a Dalek. As soon as we’re introduced this character you know exactly where the Daleks got their “voice” and personality.

Tom Baker is one of my favorite incarnations of the Doctor and although these sets and effects from the mid-70’s are cheap the storylines hold up and are extremely entertaining. It’s also interesting viewing the recent episodes of The Sarah Jane Adventures on tv and seeing this character, his female sidekick, over 34 years ago in the same scenarios.

Doctor Who: Destiny of the Daleks (1979)

Tom Baker as the Doctor finds himself on a radioactive, inhospitable planet. Along for the ride is Romana, another Galifreyan, and they soon discover they are on the planet Skaro, a few hundred years after the events of The Genesis of the Daleks. The Daleks are at war with the Movellans, who resemble humans except that they have silver dreadlocks. It turns out that they are really robots and they and the Daleks, because of their computer logic, have been at a stalemate in their centuries old war. The Movellans want the Doctor to reprogram them and the Daleks want to recover Davros, who has managed to survive in suspended animation. I thought this was just okay and found the Movellan’s stupid costumes far too distracting.

Doctor Who: The Infinite Quest (2007)

Chronologically, this takes place during season three of the TV series and is basically a regular episode, only animated. Of course, this allows for more spectacular special effects, which include space pirates,a giant mechanical bird that eats gold for its power source and huge sentient insects. Also, this features the voices of stars David Tennant and Freema Agyeman.

Doctor Who: The Movie (1996)

This made-for-television movies starts off promising, with Sylvestor McCoy being shot by a Chinese gang and rushed to hospital where a female surgeon, Grace, is puzzled that his heart is different—he has two of them. He dies, then is regenerated when he’s in the morgue. Paul McGann now portrays The Doctor. His new companion ends up being Grace, though much of her screen time is disbelieving what is happening to them. Although the continuity of the movie is great, in that if fits in with the British series, the problem is that it simply doesn’t feel like a Doctor Who story after the first ten minutes. Another big problem is that Eric Roberts hams it up way too much as “The Master”. He’s just awful. The production values are good, it’s well edited, but the poor script dumbs it all down too much, presumably for the American audience. In a bit of trivia, Daphne Ashbrook, who portrays Grace here, also portrayed Melora Pazlar in an episode of Deep Space Nine, a character that’s regular in the new Star Trek Titan books. The movie is also edited by Patrick Lussier, who undeniably “ borrowed” the idea of the Doctor’s regeneration for his Dracula 2000 trilogy.

Doctor Who: The Next Doctor (2008)

The Doctor (David Tennant) shows up in 1850’s London where he immediately runs into a guy who says he’s the doctor. He has a companion and is chasing after a furry creature that has a weird metal mask. However, he has no memory of his past lives because something had happened to him, something that has to do with the Cybermen, who are now in London. A human woman is helping the human-brained robots and she may also be the only way to stop them from invading. This is a good story and it’s interesting to see The Doctor between companions (this takes place after Donna Noble).

Doctor Who: The Waters of Mars (2009)

The Doctor finds himself on Mars. There, he finds the first base established by humans. They have unwittingly freed an entity that lives in the Martian ice and it begins to possess the crew members, one by one. Unfortunately, according to history, this is the day that they all die in a mysterious accident and this accident is responsible for mankind further exploring the universe. It is the granddaughter of Adelaide Brooks (Lindsay Duncan of ROME) who is at the forefront of space travel and her motivation for doing so was to continue her grandma’s legacy. If her grandmother never dies then there’s a chance humanity will remain earthbound. The Doctor (David Tennant) knows that he must let them all perish, as they are supposed to, but decides to act differently. He says “screw it” to preserving the time-line, which ultimately has to do with all of his recent losses the past year. He figures he’s the last surviving Time Lord and can do whatever the heck he wants. But even though he’s thinking he may be changing things, these things, much to his dismay, remain the same and realizes that while he has a lot of power he’s also powerless. This is a good horror story, a bit like Carpenter’s Prince of Darkness with the whole water theme.

DOGHOUSE (2011)

In England, a group of stereotypical men try to help one of their friends get over his divorce by renting a bus and taking him off to a remote village. However, there’s not a lot there. Literally. All of the townswomen have been infected by a virus that turns them into zombie-like cannibals who want to kill men. Even their bus driver, Candy (Christina Cole of the TV series Hex) transforms into one of these man-eaters, so there’s no way for them to escape.  It’s an interesting zombie movie, reminding me of the Jack Ketchum novel LADIES’ NIGHT.

Dog Soldiers (2002)

Hands down, this is the best werewolf movie to come along in years! A group of UK soldiers, on training in the Scottish Highlands, comes across another group of soldiers—Special Ops—who are all but slaughtered. The only surviving member is their leader, who is hysterical and keeps on mumbling ‘There should’ve only been one, there should’ve only been one of them!’. We soon find out that he’s referring to these ferocious looking werewolves. The soldiers start running and become the hunted. One man is disembowled but his friend tucks his spilled guts back in —and a few others are killed. They eventually make their way to a seemingly abandoned house and board themselves in. At this point it’s sort of like a repeat of Night of the Living Dead but there’s still enough action to keep you distracted from this. And the werewolves are impressive—tall like the creatures in the original The Howling, with wolf-like heads, hairless human bodies, huge clawed hands. The twist ending is not totally unexpected but you don’t really mind.

Dollhouse (2009)

This series by Buffy/Firefly creator Joss Whedon (The Avengers) is promising, considering that each of the first three episodes are better than the previous one. The premise is that there is a highly secret organization called “The Dollhouse”, which rents people to customers. This is anything from a date to a hostage negotiator to a dancer, anything depending on what the particular client wants or needs. A number of people are the “Doll’s, who have had their personalities wiped so they are childlike and easy to control when not working. When they go on a job they are uploaded with all the information and skills they will need. After each job these personalities are wiped clean.

In charge of the company is Adelle DeWitt (Olivia Williams) and her main henchman, Laurence Dominic (Reed Diamond of Journeyman).

The pilot shows the main character, Echo (Eliza Dushku of Tru Calling), with her real personality and before she became Echo, with the premise that she’s desperate and willing to undergo the procedure for a good reason. There’s also a detective, Paul Ballard (Tahmoh Penikett of Battlestar Galactica), who is determined to find the Dollhouse and it’s suggested the reason is because of the Echo character. In the first episode we see Echo with two widely different personalities, which was interesting, but my main concern was that how can you get attached to a character who has a different personality each episode? And where was the “Joss Whedon feeling” to the show? The second episode, however, quickly made up for this, when during a date in the wilderness gone horribly awry, Echo is confronted by the ghost of her “real” personality. And in the third episode, in which she becomes a dancer and bodyguard to a spoiled singer, she manages to override her pre-programming and improvise. She’s retaining the information she is programmed with and she’s not supposed to. Other characters are Boyd Langton (Harry Lennix of The Matrix: Revolutions), Echo’s bodyguard and “guardian angel”, Topher Brink, the computer genius who uploads the different personalities into the “Dolls”, and Dr. Claire Saunders (Amy Acker of Angel), who is heavily scarred from an incident that happened months ago in which all the “Dolls” were slain except for Echo. This is undeniably one of the more interesting science fiction television shows.

Domestic Disturbance (2002)

This is a fairly engaging movie. John Travolta plays a gumpy guy whose ex-wife (Teri Polo of The Arrival, Frankenstein 1997) is remarrying. But the guy she’s marrying, unbeknowest to them, has a very shady past. Travolta’s twelve-year old son doesn’t like him one bit—and one night hides in his SUV and witnesses him murdering an old associate (Steve Buscemi). Of course, no one believes the kid, who has a history of lying. But Travolta knows his son never lies to him—and does some investigating. He get’s too close to the truth and is almost killed when his workplace is set afire. Now he has to rescue his ex-wife and son before he can murder them...

Dominion: A Prequel to The Excorcist (2005)

Paul Schrader’s (Cat People) version is finally released from Dimension Films. Although it is clearly better than Renny Harlin’s version—there’s more of a story, better character development of the priest, and more realistic special effects—it’s not as good as the other two Exorcist sequels (Hey, I like THE HERETIC!). Still, it’s worth checking out just to see how two different directors came up with two completely different takes on Father Merrick’s beginnings dealing with the devil.

Don McKay (2009)

A High school janitor Don McKay (Thomas Haden Church) gets a letter from his high school girlfriend Sunny (Elisabeth Shue of Hollow Man), who still lives in the same town. He goes to visit her and we find out she’s dying of some mysterious disease. She tells him that she wants to spend the rest of her short life with him. He confesses that he’s always thought about her the past 25 years. He just seems to go along with this, though it’s all a bit surreal and you can’t help but wonder just why he’s agreeing to all of this.

Then, one day, her doctor drops by and tries to strangle him. He defends himself but ends up killing the crazy doctor—and buries his body in the nearby woods. All this happens while Sunny and her caretaker are out doing errands. But he gets stung by a bee and has an allergic reaction. When he wakes up in the hospital she asks him to marry him—and also tells him she spoke with that doctor. He’s still alive? It’s a very surreal movie where things aren’t really what they seem, which is all ultimately explained at the end. The movie will definitely keep you guessing as to what’s going on.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark (1973)

I saw this movie when it was first broadcast on Network Television when I was eight-years old and it still holds up over time. The film doesn’t waste anytime. The opening minutes show the exterior of an old house and we hear the whispering of someTHING that lives in it, saying that they’ll soon be free. Then we’re introduced to married couple Sally (Kim Darby) and Alex. She loves the idea of fixing up this old place, which she inherited from her grandmother, though he’s not so enthusiastic. He’s also up for a promotion at work and has little time or patience for his wife. So when she starts seeing things, especially at an important at home dinner they are hosting for his co-workers, he gets really pissed. But she really is seeing something, these foot tall creatures with monkey bodies and heads that look like rotten fruit. It begins when she unlocks the door in the house that leads to her grandfather’s study. She likes it and wants the local handyman to fix the fireplace. It’s all cemented up with bricks. He tells her he can’t do that, that “some things are better left alone”, and that he was the one who blocked it up. After he leaves she unscrews the latch that’s bolted on the back ash trap, which is a huge mistake. It’s at this point that she had freed THEM.

The night after the party she’s taking a shower in her bathroom and they switch the light off with a coat hanger. One of the creatures grabs the husband’s straight-razor and says that he wants to hurt her but the other one says no, they’ll get her the next night. She turns on the light and they are gone. But she flicks off the switch and catches them coming out of the cupboards. When she goes back and opens it up, they are gone. It seems as if they come out of the darkness itself. Because she knows that her husband won’t believe her she keeps this to herself, though she confides in him that she wants to move and that they should sell the place. He has to go out of town the next day so she tries to hang in there and arranges to stay over at a friend’s. However, an interior decorator she has over is tripped by the little monsters and he falls to his death. She’s hysterical and the doctor gives her sleeping pills to take, which she won’t. Yet they somehow make their way into her coffee and she gets really sleepy. Her friend is still over and soon her husband appears, finally convinced that something is going on. So he calls up that old handyman, who originally warned his wife about the fireplace, and goes over there to hear the full story. While he’s gone, though, they cut the power to the house and lure the friend outside while they drag poor Sally to the fireplace....

What really makes this creepy is the music and the appearance of these demons. The effect was done using real men in costumes and making all the surrounding objects huge, like flower pot they peer out of or the the straight razor they are holding. It’s utterly convincing. It also has a very un-Hollywood like ending. Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark is down and out one of the best made-for-television horror films ever made (along with Trilogy of Terror and Gargoyles).

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark (2010)

This remake begins in a crazed artist named Blackwood, who is in his basement talking to some small sinister creatures who live in the ash shoot of his fireplace. He wants his son back from them and sacrifices his own teeth. However, they want children’s teeth—so they pull him, screaming, down under. No one has ever seen him since. In the present day, Alex (Guy Pearce of Ravenous) and his girlfriend Kim (Katie Holmes, her character named after actress Kim Darby, who was in the original film) are renovating Blackwood’s old mansion, with the intention of getting Alex’s career back on track. They’ll get publicity from magazines and then sell the house. Things are complicated when Alex’s young daughter, Sally, moves in with them. At first she’s upset by being abandoned by her mother, then is intrigued by these whispery voices that talk to her. That is, until she sees what they look like—horrid little gnomes. She discovers a hidden room in the house, much to the dismay of local handyman Harris (Jack Thompson). He knows what these creatures are, since his grandfather used to be Blackwood’s worker. The movie goes back and forth to Sally and the creatures and her father, who doesn’t believe her stories. But Kim, the girlfriend does, and she ultimately pays the price.

While this remake is well-done and has some scares, it’s not as effective or creepy as the original television movie. I think, in part, is that the prologue with Blackwood at the beginning takes away too much of the mystery and explains too much, too early. Also, the gnome-like creatures are CGI creations and that never seems “real” to me.

Don’t Look Down (1998)

In this ‘Wes Craven Presents’ movie Megan Ward (Crash and Burn, Dark Skies, Joe’s Apartment) portrays a woman who feels responsible for her younger sister’s death and begins to think that she’s being haunted by her ghost. On a trip up in the mountains her sister slipped off a rocky ledge-and although she tried to save her, her sister slipped from her fingers.Now, she has a fear of heights. To overcome this she’s encouraged by her husband to join an experimental therapy group, where the members are forced to contront their fear of heights head-on. But one by one members of this group are being killed. Is it the ghost of her sister, seeking retribution because she thinks her sister let her go? Or is it the doctor who’s in charge of the fear therapy group?The movie keeps you guessing until the end. One of the better ‘Wes Craven Presents’ movies.

Donner Party, The  (2010)

I think everyone has heard of the unfortunate real-life events of the Donner Party and how some of them resorted to cannibalism in order to survive being trapped in the mountains, in winter, while trying to get to California. This movie deals with a group of them, a dozen or so, who are part of the original 82 settlers (only half of them made it to California). Crispin Glover is Foster, who is the ultimate bad guy of the bunch, justifying everything he does. In fact, he’s the one who kills the others who become lunch. It isn’t like someone died and they decided to eat him....it’s a very premeditated act. This actually surprised me, since I assumed they just ate the people who died of exposure. Eddy is the “hero”, though he ends up eating people meat when he’s starving. Not a lot is shown, it’s all just implied. The Donner Party is a grim character study of a group of desperate people and one of the better movies on the subject.

Donnie Darko (2002)

This is one of those movies that you don’t know what it’s about until it’s nearly over. Donnie, a disturbed teenager in 1988, is having problems. He’s being forced to go to a therapist, who likes using hypnotherapy (and how we learn a lot of his thinking), he’s takin pills which help prevent his hallucinations—and he has a friend named Frank, who is a giant rabbit (or rather, a man in a skeletal rabbit costume). Frank tells Donnie what to do—such as demolishing his school’s plumbing or setting fire to the local author’s (who is also a child pornographer) house. Then, there’s part of an airplane that fell out of nowhere and crashed into his bedroom. Luckily, he wasn’t there at the time. The first forty minutes of this film are rough—the pacing is odd, the characters unlikeable—but if you make it over the hump and continue watching it all starts to make sense and becomes very engaging. Donnie Darko, in his craziness, has a real purpose. And it has something to do with time travel. Recommended.

Donovan’s Brain (1953)

Professor Cory (Lew Ayres), living out in the desert with is wife Janice and alcoholic assistant (Gene Evans), is successful in keeping a monkey’s brain alive in a special tank (it looks like a fish tank). When a millionaire industrialist named Donovan is fatally injured in a nearby plane crash and he’s called to the scene because he’s the closest doctor available, he decides to take advantage of the opportunity and removes the man’s brain. The brain still registers brain-wave activity. Soon, Cory is able to communicate with the brain - and the brain, in turn, is able to take over his body. He even starts taking on characteristics of the millionaire, from his ruthlessness to his distinctive limp. The brain starts to grow in size and power - and is soon able to take control over anyone. Will the doctor’s wife and friend be able to destroy the brain before it destroys them? This is an excellent sci-fi movie, particularly for the time period in which it was made.

I believe this is the third adaptation from the Curt Siodmak novel - and with the current state of every-other-move being a remake nowadays I think it’s probably time Hollywood makes another Donovan’s Brain movie?

Doom (2005)

It’s pretty much a given that any big-budget Hollywood movie based upon a video game is going to suck and Doom unspectacularly meets those expectations. After there’s some type of attack on a Martian science lab, a group of Marines (led by “The Rock”) is sent it to contain the mess. What they come across is a synthetic Martian chromosome which mutates humans into these huge, Alien-looking monsters (why is it that the aliens always have to look like Aliens?). There’s also a subplot involving one of the Marines, John Grimm (Karl Urban of The Chronicles of Riddick, The Lord of the Rings) and his estranged twin sister. A big point is made about this taking place on Mars-but the sequences on Earth and the sequences that take place on the Red Planet are almost identical, so you really don’t care a hoot that it takes place on another planet. The only thing that surprised me was that “The Rock” was cast as “the bad guy”, which actually worked (then again, he was a villain in The Mummy Returns).

Doomed (2007)

It’s 2020 and there’s a new reality show which puts five teams of convicts on a desert island. Some decent fighting but the bad guys, the zombies, aren’t all that impressive or terrifying. Just a bunch of extras with green crap on their faces. There’s a lot of CGI but at this low-budget level none of it looks very good, especially those shots of the island where this all takes place. It looks like a tropical island but obviously some woods in California, as it’s all dried-out looking, anything but tropical. This is sort of like No Escape but with one-millionth the budget and with lame zombies.

Doomsday (2008)

This is a very different movie for director Neil Marshall (The Descent, Dog Soldiers). The premise is that in present day Scotland a virus called the Reaper Virus starts killing people by the hundreds and then thousands and no cure can be found. So what England does is construct a huge wall separating Scotland from the rest of the UK, letting those infected die off and hopefully keep the virus on that side of the massive wall. Then, we skip ahead over twenty years later, when the Reaper virus reappears in England and a team is sent into the zone to find a cure for the virus. The reason they think there is a cure is that there are people alive in the cities after all these years.

Among the team is Eden Sinclair (Rhona Mitra of Skinwalkers, The Gates tv series), who would give Lara Croft a run for her money. She was rescued as a child just before that part of the country was cut off from the rest of the world, so in a sense she is returning home. She and her team soon find out that the survivors are feral and uncompromising and half of the soldiers are killed on the first night. Then, it’s a matter of finding a doctor named Kane (Malcolm McDowell), who may still be alive and who may be the one who created a cure. However, Kane’s son Saul is leader of the cannibal group and Kane himself, who lives like a king in an old castle, isn’t all that much better for them to deal with.

Although primarily action-oriented there is plenty enough gore, such as when the cannibal group captures one of the doctors and has a barbecue. When leader Saul makes his appearance, dancing around on this stage the music he has blaring from speakers is from the band The Fine Young Cannibals.

Doomsday is an intense movie, a part of that sub-genre of apocalyptic movies that was at its prime in the 80’s. It’s exactly like a Mad Max movie!

Doomwatch (1972)

On an island off of Scotland the fish in the surrounding waters become contaminated with SOMETHING and everyone who eats them become deformed and violent.

Dr. Del Shaw (Ian Bannen) belongs to the environmental group Doomwatch and is sent to investigate. However, the people don’t want his help and are protective of their own, hiding the deformed individuals. That is, until one of them attacks and almost kills him. He finds out that they’ve developed an accelerated form of acromegaly, in which their faces and hands become grossly enlarged. So there’s all these Rondo Hatten lookalikes running around the island. I found this to be an interesting Hammer movie and it reminded me a lot of the new show The Eleventh Hour. In fact, this movie is based on the BBC television show Doomwatch (1970-72).

Doomwatch: Winter Angel (1999)

Professor Neil Tannahill (Trevor Eve) and wife Meg (Amanda Ooms of The Forsyth Saga are all set to relocate to Boston because of his new job at MIT. He’s a physicist.

This gets interrupted when he’s contacted by his old friend, Spencer Quist, who had run the scientific watchdog group Doomwatch (Quist was also in that original series from the early 70’s). He suspects that a secluded power plant has a secret, which involves importing soviet radioactive material. One night there is an accident and a bunch of workers are fatally irradiated. This is all caught on videotape by a guy who is chased, caught, and then killed, but not before he leaves the tape for Quist. There’s also a computer wiz named Hugo Cox who is able to tap into virtually any computer or newsfeed on the planet. What Professor Tannahill discovers is that the power company has managed to create a black hole the size of a pinhead and they need the nuclear waste to feed it. But the containment apparatus they built isn’t stable and he has to figure out a way to fix it or it could be the end of Earth and the entire Solar system. Black holes are forever.

This followup to the 70’s series and the Hammer film (Doomwatch) takes a while to get going but once it does it’s an interesting and plausible sci-fi tale.

Dorian Gray (2009)

This newest adaptation of the Oscar Wilde novel casts Ben Barnes (The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian) as the title character. Dorian returns to London since he’s inherited the estate of his late, abusive grandfather. He soon meets Lord Henry Wotton (Colin Firth) who introduces him to the more corrupt things in life. But it’s not until artist Basil Hallward paints a portrait of the young man that his behavior begins to change. You see, while Dorian becomes more and more evil and retains his youthful appearance, his painting bears his inner ugliness. As soon as he notices this he takes the painting down and hides it up in the attic, for his eyes open. When he eventually shows it to Basil the artist freaks out and says they have to call in a priest. But Dorian stabs him to death, sealing his own fate. Then Dorian disappears for over twenty years and when he returns to visit his old friend Wotton the man is shocked that he hasn’t aged. Then Dorian meets the free spirited Emily, with whom he’s taken with—only she’s Lord Wotton’s daughter. Dorian makes an attempt to change his ways but he can’t escape his fate. I thought this movie a very good adaptation, a bit more explicit that previous versions. While I thought Ben Barnes was weak in the role the special effects of the rotting, maggot infested painting more than makes up for his wooden performance.

Dr  Horror’s Erotic House of Idiots (2003)

Paul Scrabo’s directorial premiere is a clever, hilarious homage to horror hosts, B Movies and the genre at large.The movie starts off with a commercial for the services of a sex therapist, Dr. Horace. He runs a lakeside retreat where he does his work, curing those who have some sort of sexual dysfunction. Then we go to that lakeside cottage, where Conrad Brooks is the groundskeeper while Dr. Horace is out of town. Michael R. Thomas (alumn of a lot of E.I Independent movies) is his screenwriter friend, who moans about not having written anything in years. He also needs $500 quickly in order to pay off a debt.Well, people start showing up at the cottage, wanting Dr. Horace’s services. Conrad gets the idea of how to get that $500 for his friend-and so the former writer/sidekick pretends he’s Dr Horace’s substitute, ‘Dr. Horror’. What he does is make up these horror and sci-fi scenarios and applies them to their sexual situations.The patients are Debbie Rochon, Trent Haaga and Nathan Sears, all of whom are utterly hilarious. I’ve never seen Debbie in a comedic performance before and she’s extremely funny-she should definitely do more comedy. Haaga gets to be a zombie in one skit and a werewolf in another.And then there are the spoofs of the films of Jim Wynorski, Fred Olen Ray and Jay Lind-god, I almost choked to death on my nachos at the Lind segment, mostly because I know Jay. I hadn’t laughed that hard at a movie in years.The last third of the movie, co-written with actress Brinke Stevens, is a story concerning the Nathan Sears character and how he meets a queen from an all-female planet. He falls in love with her and is eager to go back to her planet to help re-populate it-but there’s also a race of aliens who are all men that want the same thing. When they hear that 6 million of these men will land on the Earth in search of women, the queen says ‘Is there room on Earth for six-million overweight, sexually frustrated men?’ to which Sears replies ‘No, there aren’t that many horror conventions!’I’ve also never seen horror host John Zacherle in anything before-and that was very entertaining. There’s this musical number (!) at the beginning of the movie that he’s in that’s kind of jaw dropping because I just didn’t expect that.There’s also appearances by Tina Krause (Machines of Love and Hate), Marina Morgan (Generation Ax), Brinke Stevens and a few others who are slipping my mind at the moment.Get this movie. You will not be disappointed.

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde (2003)

This most recent adaptation of the Robert Louis Stevenson novella, starring John Hannah (Spartacus: Gods of the Arena, Damages) in dual roles, is a good one. Instead of opting for two radically different appearances between the two personas the filmmakers opted for making them look virtually the same. That is, except for the eyes. Jeckyll has green eyes while Hyde has dark black ones. And, of course, their behavior is the complete opposite of each other. I also liked that because of this everyone quickly figures out that Hyde and Jeckyll are the same person, which complicates things a great deal for our protagonist(s). There are a few gory scenes, such as when he wakes up and finds that he operated on a young assistant, another where he bashes in a man’s skull with his cane and another when he slits a woman’s throat. This is up there with the versions featuring Spencer Tracy & Jack Palance.

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde (2008)

This version, starring Dougray Scott (Aeon Flux, Mission Impossible 2) as Dr. Jeckyll, premiered on the ION channel. He has been injecting himself with a substance from a plant he found in the Amazon jungle and it transforms him into the murderous Mr. Hyde. The two look exactly the same, but for some reason their DNA is different, which comes into play when Jeckyll goes on trial after confessing to the slayings. Half this movie is a weird court-room drama, which gives the familiar tale a different slant, but I could see that ending a mile away. Of all the many movie versions I’ve seen this is just “so so”.

Dr. Moreau’s House of Pain (2004)

This is an interesting take on the H.G. Well’s novel, The Island of Dr. Moreau, though it’s really much more of a sequel. A boxer is searching for his brother, who disappeared the month before. Helping him is a woman reporter and his brother’s bitchy girlfriend. They go to a seedy bar and encounter this strange woman, who kills someone with one punch. They follow her to a secluded, fenced in area-and are all taken captive by these animal creatures. They awaken, face to face with a pig-man, who tells them they are out of luck. It turns out that the pig-man and his friend, a huge creature a cross between a mountain lion and a hyena, are keeping Dr. Moreau prisoner, wanting him to transform them into real human beings. And they’re going to use the newly captured humans in the operation. Although there’s only four-different manimals they makeup effects by John Carl Beuchler are very effective. These creatures are horrendous. 90% of the movie is interiors but that’s what you expect with a low budget. Definitely one of Shadow Entertainment’s better movies. Directed by Charles Band.

Dr. Strange  (2007)

As with the Invincible Iron Man animated movie earlier this year, this Marvel small screen adaptation is too bogged down by a bunch of other crap going on, rather than concentrating on the character/origins of the primary superhero. Dr. Stephen Strange is an egocentric neurosurgeon who is in it for the fame and money. He was unable to save his younger sister through surgery when he first became a doctor and that has haunted him his whole life. After he gets in a car accident and his hands are terribly damaged he tries to find a cure - and spends his fortune. Finally, he’s approached by a mysterious man and told to go to Tibet. He does - but he doesn’t find an immediate cure for his hands. He’s recruited into harnessing his own latent powers to fight on the side of good.

I liked the animation and the back-story of Dr. Strange was good. There was simply too many obvious things, such as when one of the characters goes ‘to the dark side’. This is better than Iron Man but worse than the two Ultimate Avengers movies.

Dr. Strange (1978)

Dr. Stephen Strange (Peter Hooten) is a psychiatry resident whose life is changed when he meets Clea Lake, who was possessed by the evil sorceress Morgan LeFay (Jessica Walter). She temporarily took over her body to push rival sorcerer Thomas Lindmer (John Mills) over the side of a bridge—and Dr. Strange starts having dreams about this incident. You see, he’s next in line to become the Sorcerer Supreme but he has to do this by his own choice. Lindmer has survived the accident and explains all this to him.

Morgan LeFay is attracted to strange and tries to coerce him into giving up his power.

Of course, things are changed around from the comic, but this made-for-television movie definitely captures the spirit of the character. I also thought those scenes that take place on the astral plane are creepy, particularly when LeFay is talking with her demon master. He’s a serpentine monster with four eyes, done with stop-motion animation, and looks very similar to the demons in The Gate.

Dracula (1973)

Produced by Dan Curtis (Dark Shadows), with a script by Richard Matheson, this version features Jack Palance as the Count. Only he’s portrayed as a tormented man, not a vicious killer. It’s an interesting approach because it’s so atypical of a Dracula movie.

Dracula (2006)

This is an intteresting version of Bram Stoker’s novel, though it takes a lot of liberties with the source material and tries to pack too much information within an hour and a half. It seems as if Dracula has a cult following in England and that cult arranges for him to arrive from Transylvania via the funds of Lord Holmwood, who is desperate to cure the syphilis he was born with. He does not want to die an agonizing, insane death like his father. They tell him Dracula’s blood holds the cure. However, he’s engaged to Lucy Wesentra (Sophie Myles of Moonlight). Once Dracula arrives via a ship with all hands aboard dead he starts doing what he wants to do, the least is which is to help Lord Holmwood. In fact, he develops a liking to Lucy and her friend Mina. Eventually he kills Lucy and she comes back as a vampire. Abraham Van Helsing (David Suchet) is a half-crazy guy who was kept prisoner by the cult—and who wants to help Dr. Seward (Tom Burke) slay the Count. Seward has been in love with Lucy for years so this is a matter of revenge. If I compare it to other Dracula movies, it reminds me of Dan Curtis’ Dracula the most with an inkling of Hammer thrown in.

Dracula: The Series (1990-91)

This is Universal’s (Remember the Universal Channel?) syndicated half-hour Saturday morning version of the vampire legend, which pits the Count against a gag of children/teenagers. It is exceedingly tame, even for children. Dracula, now a world-renowned billionaire who has overcome his aversion to sunlight, is confronted every week by the gang, who prevent his taking over the world. The Monster Squad this is not. The only thing I found interesting is that every time Dracula disappears he doesn’t simply transform into a single bat—rather, he changes into a cloud of tiny bats, which scatter in all directions.

Dracula 3000 (2004)

This newest incarnation of the Bram Stoker tale sucks on about every level. The small crew of a salvage spaceship encounters lost freighter The Demeter, which has been drifting in space for fifty-years. They find it abandoned-and soon after their ship is mysteriously disconnected, leaving them stranded on the powerless derelict. They soon find an ancient-looking corpse (belonging to a character portrayed by Udo Kier, who is in the movie for a cumulative five minutes) and his video log, which explains that someTHING is changing the crew on the ship. Then they encounter all of these coffins on one of the decks. The first person to become vampiric is that portrayed by Coolio, who is this perpetually stoned character named ‘187’ (which is a dumb joke). Mina (Alexandra Kamp), who looks like a young Kyra Sedgwick, is the second to succumb. Casper Van Dien (MODERN VAMPIRES, STARSHIP TROOPERS) is Captain Van Helsing, who finds out via the computer bank that he has a legacy to fulfill.The entire movie plays out exactly as you think it will. I wish the story was more of a continuation of the Dracula tale rather than trying to update it to the year 3000. For example, the galaxy they are in is called the Carpathian Galaxy and the planet that Dracula originates from is called Transylvania. Dracula, or Count Orlock, as he is called, is in his stereotypical cape with slicked back hair and a pale complexion-and is not very threatening at all, considering he is presumably controlling this gigantic ship. Also, for this being a thousand years in the future mankind is not so far advanced. There’s a guy in a wheelchair with glasses (both of which you’d think they’d be able to repair) and much of what they say refer to things in our present day.And why is it that every ‘sequel’ that takes place in the future, on a spaceship, has a crew member that is a robot? Obviously trying to be like Alien, this was done with Leprechaun 4 and Jason X (though that movie was far far better). The story is predictable, the dialogue and characters cliche ridden and Dracula 3000 adds absolutely nothing to the vampire genre.

Dracula II: Ascension (2003)

This sequel to Dracula 2000 is interesting, reminiscent of the Christopher Lee Hammer Dracula movies. The burned body of Dracula is taken to a morgue and the two people working there realize it’s a vampire after woman is punctured by its fangs. They are then contacted by someone who offers them 30 million dollars for the vampire. They get some other friends involved and bring the vampire to life by putting the body in a bathtub filled with human blood. He comes to life-looking very different than he did in the first movie. Here he’s an albino. There’s a lot of fighting and double-crosses among the people, some who are manipulated by the vampire and what he offers. In a side story Jason Scott Lee is a priest vampire hunter who is partially infected with the disease. He brutally slays vampires and takes their heads. The movie ends wide open for a sequel. Should be an interesting series...

Dracula III: Legacy (2005)

This is a good finale to the Dracula story began in Dracula 2000. Rutger Hauer (The Hitcher) portrays the Count this time, who more or less has a death wish, as it seems he is unable to die and doesn’t want to live. Reprising their roles from the 2nd film, Dracula II: Ascension are Jason Scott Lee as an ex-priest and Jason London as is his sidekick. They track Drac him back to his ‘homeland’, the Carpathian Mountains where the vampire lore is still very strong, in order to rescue London’s love interest, a woman who was turned into a vampire in the previous movie. The Dracula portrayed here is much more decadent and he has these vampire orgies in his castle. He also has a group of humans who supply him and his brood human food. Hauer is great, as usual, though I wish he was given more screen time. This is the best vampire he’s portrayed (better than Salem’s Lot and Buffy the Vampire Slayer). The casting of Jason Scott Lee as the priest is strange, but it works and goes against stereotype.The movie ends in such a way as to both complete the trilogy and sets up the possibility of continuing the story with a different pivotal character. Recommended. Directed and co-written by Patrick Lussier.

Drag Me To Hell (2009)

Finally, Sam Raimi is back to what he does best—directing a bona fide horror movie. Drag Me To Hell starts off with a bang and a scream and manages to maintain that momentum until the not-so-Hollywood ending. Christine Brown (Alison Lohman of Matchstick Men, Kraa! The Sea Monster) is a loan officer at a bank looking for a promotion but in order to clinch it she has to refuse an extension on an old lady’s line of credit. Unfortunately for her this old lady, Mrs. Ganush, is a nasty piece of work—and ambushes the young woman in her car. After the intense struggle, which involves a stapler and the old crone trying to gum her to death with a toothless mouth, the witch puts a curse on her. In three day’s time an evil spirit called the Lamia will drag her to hell unless she’s able to pawn off a cursed item she is carrying. But in order to do this she has to knowingly give the curse to someone else. There are plenty of creepy scenes, the digital effects are not overdone and the main character gets thrown around as much as Ash in any of the Evil Dead movies. And while that ending is predictable the movie is so well put together that you don’t mind. You will definitely enjoy the ride.

Dragon Fighter (2003)

Another movie where direct-to-video action hero Dean Cain is up against another giant animal, this time a dragon that has been cloned from thousand year-old-remains. He portrays a security officer of a top secret lab-and when things get out of hand, like when the dragon hatches and rapidly grows in size, he has to get the survivors to safety before they become munchies. He gets them out of the compound and into his helicopter before the facility explodes. But the dragon has also escaped and so begins an airborne chase. Eventually the military comes in and kills the dragon with a heat-seeking missile when it breaths fire. This is a fairly entertaining movie, the dragon looks as okay as a computer animated lizard can, and there’s some interesting editing, with multiple screens which give the movie a futuristic feel.

Dragon Storm (2004)

If you enjoyed the dragon fest Reign of Fire then you should enjoy this, since it’s nearly the same story but on a much smaller budget. During the opening credits we see these meteors hurtling past Saturn and then entering Earth’s atmosphere, where they fall like shooting stars. But once they hit they hatch into these dragons-they weren’t meteors at all but eggs. Then, these five dragons start to wreck havoc on the local populace. But since it’s the year 1120 or so, there’s just peasants and cows they feed upon.They do attack a castle and kill everyone except for the king (John Rhys-Davies) and several of his henchmen. They flee to a neighboring kingdom for safety and the king there allows them to stay-until this displaced king tries to overthrow his kingdom during the midst of the dragon attacks. There is also a huntsman (Mathew Caulfied of Grease 2) who is coerced into fighting the dragons and a group of hunters he picks to help him. These include a visitor from the Orient and the king’s alchemist, who has figured out a way to slay the dragons. If they fire an arrow into the creature’s neck, into its gas sack where it produces flame, they can blow them up. But these dragons die way too easy, considering it’s just spears and arrows against them. And you figure that if they come from outer space-and are basically aliens-that they’d have enough intelligence to defeat these primitive humans. And while I’m being nitpicky there are a few things that just stuck out as silly or inaccurate. Why is it that in movies about Medieval times that all the castles and buildings look like ancient runes? They are runes NOW, not when they were first built 800 hundred years ago. They’d look new! Also, when the dragons are blasting apart the castle we see vendors selling corn-well, this is three hundred years before Columbus sailed to the New World-and that’s where corn comes from. And when the alchemist is talking about the cunning of the dragons, that they have the senses of a wolf or a mountain lion-that would be fine, but there are or never have been mountain lions in ancient Carpathia—they are a North/South American animal. Those scriptwriters should do their research. But Dragon Storm does have its good points. The idea of dragons coming from outer space is cool-and the special effects of the creatures are done very well.

Dragon Wars (2007)

I had high hopes for this giant-monster movie after seeing the trailer. High hopes. Unfortunately, you are better off just watching the trailer than having to endure through this plodding mess. Not only is there narration at the beginning which explains the story, there’s a flashback within a flashback at the beginning of the film as well, which takes up far too much time. It also takes away from the action/story taking place in the present.

Unfortunately, there’s no time for characterization or even clear thinking. A large part of the story is that this huge serpent, an Imoogi, is supposed to consume the power from the young woman. It’s HUGE, its head the size of a bus. Yet it can never catch up to their speeding away car—and even when it does catch up to them it pauses for too long and they miraculously get away.

The special effects are top-notch and I particularly liked that final battle with the dragons at the end. Perhaps when the DVD is released they’ll cut out all those boring parts with the actors and just have a 45 minute effects sequence. Now that I could recommend...

Dragonhead (2005)

This is an odd Japanese end of the world movie. A group of students are riding the subway, when suddenly the electricity goes out and it crashes. One boy wakes up to see that everyone else has been killed in the crash. Everyone, that is, except for a young girl and another male student. The girl is slightly injured and the other student is clearly insane, as he wishes to kill them. As the two survivors travel across a Japan buried in feet of gray ash, we find out that volcanoes have exploded all over the world, not only killing millions but causing a shift in the magnetic field of the Earth, which has driven people insane. Everyone has a desire to kill. They must flee people who at first they believe are saviors-and in one creepy scene many of the survivors basically become walking zombies. The special effects are top-notch, particularly with the exploding volcanoes and the chunks of rock flying through the air. My only complaint is that it seems a little long and is at times a bit too preachy.

Dragonheart: A New Beginning (2000)

This made-for-video sequel is much lighter in tone than the original, more or less geared for kids. A stable boy finds a young dragon named Drake that’s being hidden in the local monastery and befriends him. The stable boy has dreams of becoming a knight of the realm-and almost lets this desire to get in his way of his friendship for the dragon. An old Chinese master and his student appear-and they want to test and see if the dragon is good or evil. If he fails to pass their test they will kill him. There is also the local king’s advisor, who wants the dragon for his own purposes. The one thing I didn’t expect was for him to be the evil dragon cursed to live as a human, which was cool. The animation isn’t as realistic as the first movie and Drake kept on reminding me of ‘Pete’s Dragon’, but it’s a decent enough sequel.

Dragons: A Fantasy Made Real (2005)

The premise of this fake documentary is that a dragon is found frozen high in the Carpathian mountains along with several humans, dating from the 16th century, who appear as if they were battling the creature to the death. The remains are removed and studied by scientists-and it’s explained, through science, how the types of dragon developed, how they can fly and how they can breath fire. The movie starts with a young prehistoric dragon battling a Tyrannosaurus, which is quite cool. Yet this species of dragon became extinct when the dinosaurs did. The ‘modern dragon’ evolved from a common crocodilian ancestor of this first species, a creature which inhabited the Earth’s oceans when the mass extinctions happened on the land. It’s surmised that some of these dragons remained aquatic, giving rise to all the legends about sea monsters, while others became land dwelling (as with the Chinese Dragon) and others, living in the mountains, changed into the dragon we know of today.

Draniac (2000)

A young woman and her verbally abusive father, while cleaning up an old house he recently purchased, encounter demons that have taken refuge in that building’s pipes. The father is killed in an appropriately gruesome manner, the girl’s friends show up, and they are all trapped in the house after their car sinks and vanishes into the front yard. When they try to exorcize the demons, with the help of a mysterious old man, the procedure goes wrong and many of the creatures materialize, from creepy skull-head spiders and giant worms to a dragon-like being. Although the animatronic and stop motion effects are superb some of the computer special effects (posterizing and warping) cheapens the effect. Directed by Brett Piper (They Bite, Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell).

Drawing Flies (1995)

After watching the Six Million Dollar Man bigfoot episode and getting stoned at his friends’ party Jason Lee has a ‘vision’ about befriending the Sasquatch. As him and his friends are about to get evicted from their apartment anyway, due to lack of jobs, he convinces them to go on a camping trip with him. They follow him for several days, seemingly lost, until he admits that he’s really searching for bigfoot. They all think he’s nuts, especially when he starts covering himself in mud. Anyway, they leave him to the forest. Months later some of the friends meet at a party and ask each other if they’ve heard any word from him. There’s been none. The movie then cuts to Lee sitting in front of a fire in the woods, talking to someone about how his friends are doing their dreary jobs in their predictable lives. The camera widens out and we see who he’s talking to-a family of bigfeet! This is an early View Askew movie (I believe it was shot in the early/mid 90’s) and this release has a forward with Executive producer Kevin Smith, which is hilarious (actually funnier than the movie). The movie itself is like a Canadian version of Dazed and Confused..but with Sasquatch!

Dread (2010)

In college, a loner film student named Stephen (Jason Rathbone of Twilight movies, though he gives a much better performance here) is approached by another student, Quaid, to work on a film project together, which will involve people talking about their innermost fears. At first this works out, since Stephen needed a thesis project and Quaid is very enthusiastic. Stephen even hooks up with his editor friend Cheryl. But Quaid is very unstable and suffers from horrible nightmares. These stem from him having witnessed the vivid axe murder of his parents when he was six years old. He thinks that by somehow listening to other people’s fears he’ll be able to quell his own and make his nightmares go away. But the only way he’s able to do this is to make some of these people physically face their fears, even if that means torturing and maiming them. This guy is truly a psychotic ass. The first hour of the movie effectively develops the characters, especially Stephen and his friend Abby. Abby has a huge dark birth mark on her face and is very self-conscious about it. Stephen is afraid of dying, ever since his brother died in a drunk driving accident. And Stephen’s new girlfriend is afraid of blood and meat. So when Quaid flips out and makes these people revisit these fears, it’s all the more terrible, way worse than in any torture I’ve seen in a SAW movie. If you’re in the mood for an intense, mean spirited horror movie then this is it. And believe me, the ending will piss you off, which it’s supposed to.

Dream House (2012)

This Hollywood movie begins with a man, Will Atenton (Daniel Craig) quitting his City office job to be with his wife and two daughters out in the country. Yet this picture-perfect scenario begins to crumble once his family learns that another family was slain there five years before. There’s also someone watching their house—and it may be the killer. In the first half of the movie we’re not sure if the main character is going crazy or not and if he’s even seeing reality (like with The Number 23 or Stay). In the second half we get answers, though they are not presented all that well. There’s a dumb ending, complete with fire and explosions, with the revelation of the killer done in Scooby Doo style. The one thing I did like is that this movie is about ghosts, but that’s not enough for me to recommend it.

Dream Warrior (2003)

Lance Henriksen is the pseudo-religious leader of humans who want to eradicate the world of mutants, though he himself turns out to be one of them. Daniel Goddard (Beastmaster tv series) is the mutant with mind-reading abilities who must ultimately stop him. The movie is supposed to take place some years after a comet has struck the Earth, all but eradicating mankind, so there’s lots of abandoned industrial buildings and old smashed up cars for a backdrop. Everyone also wears contemporary clothes, though some have some fur sewn to them for no apparent reason. Sherilynn Fenn (Twin Peaks, The Wraith) portrays another one of the mutants. Story-wise, this movie is peculiar because it seems like one of those post-apocalyptic movies from the 70’s (like The Ultimate Warrior). I have no idea what the title has to do with the movie

Dreamcatcher (2003)

This Stephen King adaptation, directed by Larry Kasdan, is a recycling of much of that author’s work, namely It and The Body. The whole secret alien invasion vs. secret government organization idea has also been done a few dozen times. That aside, the movie still wasn’t very good. A group of friends, who are all psychic to some extent, rent a cabin to go deer hunting. Unfortunately this is where an alien ship has landed, infecting the animals and people with this red fungus. The fungus causes these eel-like creatures to develop in some-and when they emerge from the body they come out where the sun don’t shine. The friends get separated, some get killed, and one even gets possessed by a creature called ‘MR GRAY’, who is the intelligence behind the aliens. There’s also a retarded man, Duddits, who is pivotal to defeating the monster. As I said, the biggest problem I had with this movie is the feeling like I’ve seen it all before-and I wanted to fast-forward through some parts just to get the movie over with. It was simply boring.

Dreamland (2007)

This is a low-budget AREA 51/Time travel movie that I think is supposed to be more profound than it really is. A young couple drive cross country. He gets seizures and she has some mental issues. They stop at a weird all-night diner/bar in the middle of the desert and are told AREA 51 and the aliens by the tobacco spitting proprietor (this guy is the best actor in the movie). There’s some weird scenes where time gets confused and Hitler even makes an appearance. A lot of this seems forced and didn’t provoke much of a reaction.

Dreamwalker (2003)

A young Indian is coerced to taking his 87 year old grandfather to a pow-wow six hundred miles away,from North Dakota to New Mexico and listens to him tell stories from Native American mythology. In format this is very similar to another Hallmark produced movie, Arabian Nights, using the same actors in different roles & merging stories and current situations of the characters together. Although the story was predictable-you know the troubled youth will choose to take ‘the Red Road’ and remain true to his Indian heritage-the special effects work really well in showing these stories, such as a mountain that turns into a huge bear, the trickster Coyote, and the Thunder God’s domain.

Dredd (2012)

In the brief prologue it’s explained that in America, all the population lives within a huge city, Mega City, which spans from Washington DC to Boston. Outside the walls is the “Cursed Earth”, a barren wasteland.  The population is so large, 850 million, that the law is carried out by Judges, who act as judge, jury and executioners. Dredd (Karl Urban of Star Trek) is one such Judge. He’s assigned a new partner, Anderson (Olivia Thirlby of Darkest Hour), who has strong psychic powers. Although she barely passed her training his boss thinks she might be an advantage to law enforcement, so it’s his job to take her out for her first day. She asks what they are going to do first and he tells her to take her pick since they can only respond to 6% of the crimes that happen in the city at any given time. They go to a huge building called Peachtrees, inhabited by 75,000 tenants, where three men were thrown off a top floor. They had pissed off the local crime lord, Ma-Ma (Lena Headey of Game of Thrones, Sarah Connor Chronicles). She’s vicious—a scarred ex-hooker who has attained power. Once Dredd and Anderson are inside the structure she closes all the doors and windows and announces to anyone that if they kill the Judges they’ll be rewarded. Likewise, if they help them they’ll be slaughtered. So Dredd and his new partner have to not only survive being hunted by hundreds but get to Ma-Ma and carry out her sentence.

Incredibly violent, far more faithful to the comic book source material than Sylvester Stallone’s Judge Dredd (1995). I also liked that they never try to “humanize” Dredd and he keeps his helmet on throughout the entire movie. Highly recommended.

Dresden Files, The (2006)

Based on the series of novels by Jim Butcher, this series is about a reluctant sorcerer, Harry Dresden, who has inherited his talents from his long dead mother. He’s a film-noir detective who uses his abilities to help people and also helps the local police department. Harry was raised by his father, a fifth-rate magician who could barely keep them afloat - and when he died he went to live with his rich uncle (brother of his mother). It’s not until later he learns that the uncle was responsible for his father’s death - and he kills him with black magic, which is a big ‘no no’, as it ostracizes him from the supernatural community. There’s an episode with werewolves, another with doppelgangers and vampires. While there is good chemistry between Dresden (Paul Blackthorne) and the female police detective, Murphy (Valerie Cruz) my favorite character is ‘Bob’ (Terrance Mann from Critters 1 & 2), a sorcerer whose spirit is bound to his rune-covered skull. The Dresden Files covers the same area as Constantine but he’s a much more likable character.

Driftwood (2007)

A kid named Forrester is sent to this harsh reform school/prison called Driftwood after his parents (Marc McClure and Liz Shaye) read his journal, in which he’s thinking about death. They lost their older son to an overdose and they don’t want to lose him. The guy who runs the place is an ex marine named Captain Kennedy and he treats them like crap. Forrester keeps on seeing the ghost of another boy, who was killed there. He was killed by Kennedy and wants this fact to come to light. He wants revenge. Good direction and characters, though these type of “Reform School” movies aren’t a lot of fun. Still, Driftwood is a decent movie.

Drive Thru (2007)

This is a better-than-average slasher/killer clown movie that gets off to a slam start. There’s little explanation of why he returns, other than he was tormented as a teenager, when he was killed in a fire, and one of the people he’s out to kill has the same birthday as him. This is  Mackenzie (Leighton Meester of Surface, Gossip Girls), who is the heroine of the story. It turns out that her mother and her mother’s high school friends are responsible for the clown’s death.

The killings are gruesome and the clown makes a creepy enough villain, though I think the last thing the world needs is one more killer clown movie. While it doesn’t have a lot of originality it does have a lot of energy. Drive Thru is a cross between A Nightmare on Elm Street and Happy Birthday to Me.

Drowned, The (2008)

Bruce G. Hallenbeck’s newest—and probably best—movie can best be described as Dagon meets Let’s Scare Jessica to Death. Kate moves back to her family’s country home after getting a divorce and starts seeing some strange things about the nearby lake. The entire opening sequence, with her driving into town, the lake and the Celtic music in the background definitely sets the tone, a la The Wicker Man. Kate meets an Irish neighbor who recounts the local legend to her, about how the town—and church—of Merrill was covered in water when a dam burst. The only thing that signifies that a town was ever there is the very tip of the church steeple protruding from the lake. It seems that the Reverend Merrill had a pagan religion and a part of that was to sacrifice young children. As the movie progresses and Kate has horrific dreams—and sightings of strange creatures, the more crazy she starts acting and towards the end we’re not sure if this is really happening to her or if it’s in her mind. The ending fits well and makes you think about the first half of the movie in a different way. The effects are sparse but effective and I thought those women swimming in the water were extremely creepy.

The Drowned is a very low-budget movie but one that’s done right.

Dungeon of Dr. Dreck, The (2008)

This independent movie begins with a spoof of the beginning of Night of the Living Dead, with a brother and sister visiting their mother. They are approached by a zombie, only it’s of a cheerleader. The sister is knocked out and the brother runs to the car, where she breaks open the window with a rock and then tells him “I’m collecting donations for our high school basketball team”, at which point he faints. Then we go to the lab of Dr. Dreck (Michael Legge), where he’s worried about getting a mad scientist grant. He’s also talking to a reanimated zombie rat who is a wise ass. The first story recounts him bringing the cheerleader back from the dead. She goes back to visit her parents, who have changed her bedroom into a sewing room and spent her college money on a new car. They aren’t exactly excited to see her. She then becomes the Doctor’s undead sidekick. In fact, they end up hosting a television show which shows B Movies. This pisses off another host whose show gets bumped to a different time slot and she’s out for blood. She also happens to be the evil mother of the station manager.

Towards the end there’s this movie within a movie that’s a cool homage to William Castle films, complete with some faux 3-D (and 3-D glasses were included with the DVD). Michael Legge has again put together an entertaining independent movie that will have you chuckling throughout.

Dungeons & Dragons (2000)

If you were a fan of the short-lived Wizards & Warriors series in the late 70’s you’ll love this movie. Corny dialogue spewed by the reluctant heroes, a too evil villain and a beautiful babe sidekick who try to save their magical world from being taken over by the dark forces of Jeremy Irons. Although the computer animated dragons aren’t quite up to par to the dragon in Dragonheart the battles are mesmerizing and there’s enough action to keep you from hitting the fast forward button on the remote control. A fun watch.

Dungeons & Dragons 2: Wrath of the Dragon God (2005)

This sequel does not have much in common with the original, which was more fun, except that Bruce Payne again portrays an evil wizard. This time a group of heroes is put together to prevent the re-awakening of an ancient dragon-and, of course, they succeed. If you want to see a good dragon themed movie, rent out Dark Kingdom: The Dragon Lord, not this forgettable movie

Duplicates (2001)

Karen Addams is a news reporter writing a story on an old man who doesn’t want to leave the old theatre he owns. He’s somewhat well known in the area because he allegedly killed someone and got away with it. He keeps on talking about a doorway that must not be opened. This doorway opens every twenty-five years and brings forth...something. Karen soon meets Greg Johnson, an accountant who is said on the television news to have mass murdered people in his office. Yet Greg insists that he didn’t do it-that someone who looks like him is framing him for the murder. She believes him, primarily because she finds out that there is someone who is impersonating her at work-and who has been living in her apartment when she isn’t there. It turns out that the ‘doorway’ is a portal to a parallel Earth and duplicates of people sometimes come through. Karen’s double has her opposite personality-and has no compunction about killing people who get in her way. Duplicates is a good, intriguing sci-fi/horror movie that reminded me a lot of the television movie The Lake from a few years back.

Dying Breed (2009)

Two Australian couples go to Tasmania in search of surviving Thylacines or “Tasmanian Tigers”, a wolf-sized carnivorous marsupial that is believed to have died out in the 1920’s. They travel to the same area where the sister of one of them disappeared years before. This also happens to be near a small isolated town that is inhabited by the descendants of an infamous cannibal.

Although the movie is along the lines of Lake Dead, The Hills Have Eyes and numerous other mutant/cannibal movies, Dying Breed remains an interesting movie, primarily because of the backstory. I’ve never seen a horror movie about Thylacines before. Recommended.

Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2010)

This newest adaptation of the Italian comic character begins like just about any other film noir detective tale, which in itself makes it almost cliche. This was old when they crossed the genres back in ‘91 with Cast a Deadly Spell. Dylan Dog (Brandon Routh of Superman Returns, Chuck TV series) is down on his luck, still traumatized by the death of his girlfriend. He had flipped out and killed a bunch of ancient vampires. But this caused a rift between him and the creatures he generally protected. He’s drawn back to this however, when a woman hires him to find the murderer of her father. It involves a zombie—a really big, monstrous zombie. In fact, Dylan’s sidekick is turned into one of the undead, as a sort of running gag. But I had seen this in the Christopher Walken Prophecy movies and it wasn’t particularly funny then. We’re introduced to vampires, who are like the ones in True Blood. They even run a nightclub where humans ingest vampire blood for a high. And with vampires there are always werewolves.

I liked that they mostly use practical makeup effects here, especially for the fully transformed werewolves and also for the seven foot tall monstrous zombie. However, the movie seems dated as all the ideas have been used to death. If you’ve seen the tv series The Dresden Files there’s absolutely no reason to watch this genre-eric rerun. Uh, not recommended.

“E” Titles

Eagle Eye (2009)

This is a decent enough, fast-flying Sci-Fi thriller, about two people, Jerry and Rachel, who are coerced into becoming wanted terrorists. One is a drifter who can never stick with anything (Shia LaBeouf) and the other a young mother who believes her son is in danger. The only thing they know is that the person communicating with them and telling them what to do, “or else”, has a woman’s voice and has control over virtually every remote control device, from stop lights to cranes. In the first part of the movie the FBI busts in to Jerry’s apartment, where they find him amidst a bunch of weapons and materials to make bombs. He insists he doesn’t know anything but Agent Thomas Morgan (Billy Bob Thornton) doesn’t believe him. Then the mysterious voice on the phone arranges to have him escape, which he does—and this is when he first meets Rachel. There are lots of chases, narrow escapes, and eventually the reason why all this is happening comes to light. I must say that it is interesting, sort of like a 21st version of Failsafe.

Earth 2 (1994)

I never caught this tv series when it originally aired, but watched the dvd set over a period of a few weeks. The premise is solid— few hundred years in the future Earth is so overpopulated that there are space stations in orbit about the planet to temporarily deal with the problem. When a habitable planet is discovered twenty-light years away a group of people decide to take the chance and colonize it. The majority of these individuals include families who have children with a syndrome that has weakened their immune system, a condition probably brought on by generations of people not being linked to the planet’s ecosystem. Unfortunately the government doesn’t want them to do and tries to sabotage the mission. They barely escape-and put themselves into suspended animation. A smaller ship precedes the larger one, which has the majority of the people. They awaken to find that the ship is in danger of crashing and they eject in the escape pods. They find that the planet is very Earth-like-and that the sentient species, the Terrians, are connected to the planet, getting their nourishment through it by osmosis. These are among the coolest aliens I’ve seen, as they look like a cross between a plant and those dried-up South American mummies. Another creature is called a Grendler, which slobber a lot and resemble man-sized frog muppets.

Among the characters are Devon Adair (Debrah Farrentino), who is the leader of the group, her ten-year old son, Ulysses, John Danzinger (Clancy Brown of Carnivale, The Bride), a construction-type guy along for the ride, the pilot, Alonzo (Antonio Saboto, Jr.) and Dr. Julia Heller (Jessica Steen), who is the most interesting character as she’s torn between being a doctor and a double-agent. What ruins the series is that they keep on introducing more people, such as convicts that have been living there for twenty-years-and members of a government agency which is supposedly already established on the planet. What would have worked is if this was more like the recent show LOST, with them totally isolated and having to fend for themselves. It also needed to be weirder, not so family-friendly. Also, the last three episodes presented on the last dvd are out of order, most likely as to not make it seem as if the series ends on such a “downer”. As science-fiction series go this is just “okay”.

Earth Dies Screaming, The (1964)

During the first few minutes of the movie we see people falling asleep while driving cars, trains and planes. There are lots of crashes. An American pilot lands in England to find everyone is dead. He goes to a hotel and is joined by two survivors, then two more. The thing they all have in common is that they were all breathing filtered air when the attack happened, so whatever dropped everyone was probably a gas. As they are all talking about this they are drinking and smoking like there’s no tomorrow. When one of the women sees two spacesuit clad figures walking down the street she goes out to greet them. When they turn to face her they shoot her and walk away. But she soon returns to life as a zombie and they have to kill her again. When they run down one of the spacesuits they discover they are robots. Soon, a younger couple appear and the girl is pregnant. They were protected in a nearby air-raid shelter, which they all use as a base of operations. Things start looking up when they figure out that the robots—and the zombies—are being controlled by radio waves. So they knock down the nearby radio tower and the creatures stop working. They destroy the tower just before the zombies reach the young woman and her newborn baby. In the end the humans go to the airport and take off in a plane. All of this happens in 62 minutes.

Earth Vs. The Flying Saucers (1957)

Although this movie is over fifty-years old as of this review it nevertheless holds up over time. In fact, I’ve never seen flying saucers like this is any movie. To give them a “personality”, each was animated by Ray Harryhausen, with the top and bottom halves rotating in different directions and the spaceships tilting around. When they end up crashing into Washington D.C.’s monuments, these are done with stop-motion-animation as well. The stop motion is most effective, however, when combined with real stock footage of airplanes and tanks exploding. The premise is that because Earth is starting to launch satellites, this is taken as a threat by the aliens, who want to conquer the planet. There bodies are atrophied, so they have to walk around in these metallic looking outfits which sort of look like Juggernaut from the X-MEN comics. They are also able to shoot out these disintegrating rays from their hands, which take care of the Army in short order. This is a very cool 1950’s alien invasion movie.

Earth Vs. The Spider (2001)

This movie comes off as a really twisted version of Spiderman, with a security guard who is bitten by an experimental spider and obtains its powers. At first he gets superhuman strength and is able to stop the neighborhood bullies—but from there things take a decidedly wrong turn. One morning he wakes up suspended from his ceiling by a web that is coming from his abdomen. He’s actually able to shoot it from a hole in his stomach. Then, he can’t seem to get enough food....and other body changes start to happen. Basically replace Cronenberg’s The Fly with a Spider and you have it. Very entertaining, great performances and a realistically dark ending.

Earth: Final Conflict Season One (1997)

This is an intriguing science fiction series created by Gene Roddenberry and produced by his wife, Majel Barrett. The series takes place a decade in the future, three years after an alien species called the Taelons have landed on Earth, saying they want to work with humanity. The Taelons have human helpers or implants, whose mental capacities have been expanded with a device called a CVI (Cyber Viral Implant). The down side of this is that it speeds up the person’s metabolism and basically burns them out after a few years. This is one of the MANY underlying stories of the season. The human implants also have a Skrill attached to their arm, a living creature that sort of looks like an octopus and feeds off the human body, in return able to provide a weapon with these laser-like blasts. In one of the more interesting episodes it’s revealed that these weird creatures are actually sentient and can control a human if they don’t have a CVI. The biggest thing, though, with the CVI is that that Taelons have built in a behavior modification that makes their humans totally subservient to them.  The main character is William Boone (Kevin Kilner), a cop who agrees to become a Taelon helper after his wife (Lisa Ryder of Andromeda) is killed. Only later does he find out that his wife was ordered killed by Agent Sandoval, another CVI implant, so that he would agree to the CVI procedure. Boone becomes the protector of Da’an (Leni Parker), the North American Companion.

In the first season the Taelons do seem altruistic and the Resistance group a bit extreme, but there’s definitely the feeling that they are hiding something big from humanity. What that something is isn’t revealed until the second season. Other characters include Lilly Marquette, a former soldier who drives an inter-dimensional shuttle for the aliens. She is also part of the Resistance and gets Boone to join them. What the Taelons don’t know is that a doctor working for the Resistance had modified his CVI so that the Taelons don’t control him. He still has his own human will, and has to hide this from them. The techno-expert is “Auger”, an African-American who gets sucked in to helping the Resistance. And Jonathon Doors, a billionaire industrialist who is the head of the human rebellion. The aliens themselves are really weird, both beautiful and creepy. They fit the general description of your typical ET, with large heads, greyish skin, yet this is only a facade they put on for humans. When in their natural form they look semi-transparent, formed of energy, as they are supposed to be bio-energy creatures, far more evolved than humans. All the Taelons are portrayed by female actors, which make them very ambiguous. The feeling is that the are asexual creatures. While Da’an seems to have Earth’s survival in mind, there’s another Taelon who is no so altruistic. This is Zo’or, and their rivalry grows in the next few seasons.

What I like about this series is that it’s unpredictable and the last episode is the clincher because they kill off the main character!

Earth: Final Conflict  Season Two (1998)

Although they killed off main character William Boone in the first episode of this season, he sort of makes a re-appearance early on in the season, only to be killed off for good (presumably). The one responsible for his death is Zo’or.  Since the series needed a new lead, they created Liam, a half-alien hybrid, who matures from baby to adult in mere minutes after he was born. He also has all the knowledge of the Taelons and also of his mother, Siobhan (Kari Matchette). She was in a few episodes the previous season. Genetically his father is Agent Sandoval, as the alien who “impregnated” Siobhan needed the genetic material. With the help of Lili Marquette and Auger and the Resistance, he’s given a forged identity, based on a soldier who was presumed dead, and basically picks up from there. He becomes Da’an’s protector and Da’an is the only Taelon who knows Liam’s secret. Da’an says that Liam is integral to the future of both the humans and Taelons.

In one of the early episodes of the seasons Liam’s shuttle has an accident in inter-dimensional flight and ends up on a parallel earth that’s also fighting the Taelons. There’s a double for agent Sandoval, who is a good guy, and also for Lili Marquette, who is evil and working with the aliens. A woman named Maiya is married to this Sandoval, whose name is Jason. After he’s killed she decides to go back with Liam to his world and several episodes explore her dealing with living on a parallel world. The most interesting episode is the last one we see her in, in which she has to merge with this earth’s version of Maiya or they’ll both end up dying. I thought it kind of weird they introduce this character only to get rid of her so quickly.  What it did do is make the Sandoval character more interesting, as he develops feeling for her. And it’s revealed that Agent Sandoval’s CVI is malfunctioning, so that he’s not so controlled by the Taelons. He begins to think for himself and has his own agenda. Also, Jonathon Doors, leader of the Resistance, comes out of hiding and decides to run for President, though he’s set up by his own son. It’s revealed that the Taelons want to genetically engineer humans to fight an upcoming war with another alien race, the Jaridians. It also happens that these two races are related, as they have the same ancestors.

Earth: Final Conflict Season Three (1999)

The exact relationship between Da’an and Zo’or is revealed and it surprised me, though it probably shouldn’t have, and this adds a whole new dimension to their interaction.

Lilly Marquette appears in only two episodes, basically transformed into non-human and sent far off into Jaridian space by Agent Sandoval. The Taelons have no idea about this. Liam, who was able to shoot energy out of his hands in season two loses these alien powers, becoming more human and a new character, Rene Palmer, is introduced. She works for Jonathon Doors, who is now working with the Taelons to bring their technology to humanity. She basically replaces the void left by Lili Marquette. We see more of the Jaridians and when Lili Marquette returns, in the season’s cliffhanger episode, she’s with them—and pregnant with a half Jaridian child. And, as with the previous two seasons, they kill off another major character.

Earth: Final Conflict  Season Four (2000)

Renee Palmer (Jane Heitmeyer) becomes much more of a pivotal character, along with Liam Kincaid, who is now just a normal human. Auger, the computer genius who was in seasons 1-3 gets phased out, replaced by Juliett Street, a young woman who can think in multiple dimensions. The conflict between Taolon’s Da’an and offspring Zo’or escalates. Lilly, a main character of seasons 1 and 2, returns in the first episode and gives birth to a human/Jaridian hybrid, though this storyline is never really continued, which is a shame. Another major character is killed off as well. Ronald Sandoval tries to turn on the Taolons and give up their secrets, in order to regain his humanity and be mankind’s hero, but he’s instead treated as a pariah, and rightly so. This guy has done a lot of bad things during the past four seasons and the character is really one of the best television villains ever.

Both the Taolon’s and Jaridians admit that they are dying out, the Taolons unable to reproduce and losing their energy, while the Jaridians literally explode in flame after a few decades. The Taolon’s plan for mankind is that they’ll go in a sort of hibernation and mankind, after a few more generations, will be able to solve their energy problem and altruistically re-awaken them. Why mankind would do this after all the things the aliens have done, I have no idea. The season finale has the mortal enemies, the Taolons and Jaridians entering a secret chamber hidden in a volcano in Siberia, and the only way to save their species is to merge. Liam Kincaid remains behind to “see it through”, while Renee and Street escape.

Earth: Final Conflict  Season Five (2001)

A lot of fans of the series absolutely hated the fifth and last season but I found it intriguing—and very weird. The entire series radically shifts with the disappearance of both the Taolons and the Jaridians. Renee Palmer, who is now the lead character of the series, goes back to where that hidden chamber was and wants to know if Liam Kincaid has survived. She hires a submarine crew to take her down there and they unwittingly unleash the Ativis. Rather than the Taolons and Jaridians merging into a new species, their life-force has re-awakened their parent alien species, who have been dormant on Earth for three million years. They look like neither of the other aliens, more like hairy Cro-Mags from Sliders. They are predators and kill with these light razors that come out of their hands. With these they suck the energy out of a person. In later episodes they are referred to as vampires.

The leader, Howlyn, manages to escape with a few others and make it up to the Taolon mother ship with the help of Ronald Sandoval (Von Flores), who has managed to barely survive up there all these months. Being the opportunist that he is, he helps them in their plot to reclaim the planet. Renee Palmer goes to the government and explains what has happened but no one wants to believe in yet another alien threat, so they treat her like she’s crazy and try to silence her. Eventually, they believe her, but by then the Ativis have found a way to create hybrids from humans, hybrids who feed in the same manner, spreading the vampire-like need to feed. Howlyn, by the way, is also fascinated by Renee Palmer, and wants her as a mate. There is one Taolon, sort of a ghost, who is representative of the entire species, and he mostly observes, though ends up being pivotal in the end of the series. The most surprising thing is that William Boone (Kevin Kilner), the star of the first season, returns. He’s surprised by everything that has happened and loses his sister after she’s transformed into a hybrid. He and Renee have a brief fling, then he goes off to work in Europe and returns for only one other episode. It’s later mentioned that he’s killed in action.

Renee and her associates discover more hidden Ativis chambers around the world and try to stop them from re-awakening but then the war escalates as thousands of people are turning into hybrids. They come up with a cure, in the end, and also manage to convince the Ativis to leave the planet and return to their home world. This doesn’t make sense because they are the parent species of the Taolons (whose world was destroyed by the Jaridians), so wouldn’t that be the same planet, which no longer exists? In the end, Liam Kincaid reappears, after being absent the entire season, and after they convince the aliens to leave Earth he convinces Renee Palmer to accompany him in his journey with them, out into space, which is “mankind’s next step in evolution”, to explore outer space.

SEASON FIVE is more like the short-lived series, Prey than it is the Fifth Season of Earth: Final Conflict. But I must say they ended the show on the right foot and it was a satisfying ending for those remaining characters.

Earthstar Voyager (1989)

In the year 2089, an extremely young group of people are hand picked to crew the new Earthstar Voyager spaceship, which is traveling to a planet called Demeter. Earth’s resources are used up, so they are looking for a new home, to populate and this planet seems to be the answer for the continuance of the human race. However, the thirty-something captain is killed so that the 21 year old second in command (Brian McNamara) has to assume leadership. Another crew member, who has some psychic abilities, is put in a coma by the same saboteur who murdered the captain. Eventually the intrepid crew discovers the culprit is the overly perky health instructor. But why is he doing this? It all becomes clear in the second half, when it is revealed that the admiral responsible for sending them into space also has a plan of his own— that his crew and the Voyager’s will go to Demeter and leave Earth behind to its ruin. However, the young captain doesn’t like this idea. The crew also picks up the survivor of a lost starship, Captain Jake Brown (Duncan Regehr of Wizards & Warriors, V: The Series), who keeps on referring to the ship’s captain as “Captain Kid”. There’s also a glimmer of a romance between him and the ship’s young blonde doctor. I liked this show. It has a “Lost in Space” vibe to it, I think because that young, redheaded kid looks like Bill Mumy’s Will Robinson. This made-for-television mini-series is also a bit edgier production for Walt Disney Studios.

Eaten Alive (1977)

This early Tobe Hooper film is one of his best, unrelenting in its nastiness. It starts off with a girl leaving her short stint at a whorehouse who then walks to a nearby run-down hotel. The owner realizes where she came from-and kills her. He’s crazy. He also has a huge pet crocodile in the swamp outside his place, where he dumps the bodies. The fake crocodile prop isn’t the most convincing but that’s okay. The movie more than makes up for it. The movie happens all in one night, as we see people checking in to the motel but not checking out. He kills two guys, both fathers, with this wicked-looking scythe-and then tries killing the women. A little girl, fearing for her life, hides in the crawlspace beneath the house, though this connects to the area where the crocodile is. In the end he ends up getting eaten by his reptilian pet.

Ebola Syndrome (1996)

This isn’t a very pleasant movie to watch, so you really have to be in the right (or wrong) frame of mind to watch this. In Hong Kong a Chinese man kills his lover and her husband and is about to killer their daughter by dousing her in gasoline before he’s interrupted. Skip ten years to where he’s working as a restaurant cook in Johannesburg, South Africa. He’s even fouler, an extremely unlikable sociopathic character. On a trip to pick up some pork meat for the restaurant he rapes an African native, who happens to be contaminated with the Ebola virus. Although the mortality is nearly 100% (only one in 10,000,000 survive) he is immune and becomes a carrier, spreading the disease to the restaurant’s patrons. He becomes more insane, kills his boss and his wife and then grinds them into hamburger and puts them on the menu. Then, he returns to Hong Kong, where he’s indentified by the young woman he had almost killed years before. From this point it’s a chase to stop him before he contaminates everyone in Hong Kong with Ebola. This movie is in the same vein as I Spit on Your Grave and ‘Nekromantik’. Only for those with strong stomachs.

Eclipse, The (2009)

In a small town in Ireland, a widower named Michael Farr falls for a visiting author, Lena. He works for the publisher and his job is to make sure the authors get to their press conferences and meetings while they visit. But Lena has a past history with another writer, Nicholas Holden (Aiden Quinn), who is an asshole, and this causes some problems. Lena’s recent book was about ghosts, which piques Michael’s interest since he’s starting to see them in his real life. Michael is still distraught by the death of his wife and is searching for some type of closure. This is a very low key movie and while the ghost scenes are effective and disturbing, I wasn’t quite sure if they were “real” or not or just in the character’s minds. Which I suppose is the intention of the movie. Recommended.

Ed Gein (2001)

Based on the life of infamous cannibal/killer Ed Gein, this is a surprisingly subdued movie, which chooses to hint at rather than outrightly show what the psycho is up to. And, for the most part, this works quite well.A large part of this is due to Steve Railsback’s performance as Ed—one of the best performances I’ve ever seen by this actor. The biggest problem the movie is against is that this story has been told so many other times—in Psycho and Texas Chainsaw Massacre .Deranged, also dealing with Ed’s story, is a better movie.

Eden Formula, The (2007)

A bio-engineering company has created a Tyrannosaurus Rex from their new “Eden Formula”. Dee Wallace (CUJO), who is in about a dozen of these horror movies a year it seems, is the scientist in charge of the project and Jeff Fahey (BODY PARTS) is her boss. A group of Corporate Terrorists storm the building and accidently release the dinosaur, which roams around Los Angeles, biting off the heads of its surprised victims.

Overall, this is an entertaining movie, and has the feel of a 1950’s American giant monster movie. I liked the stop-motion animation of the T-Rex as well as the giant animatronic head, but the puppet body simply didn’t work. Directed by John Carl Buechler.

Eden Log (2009)

I was so irritated by the editing of the first five minutes of this movie that I almost didn’t watch it. However, this French film does get better...

The story takes place sometime in the future. A man awakens deep beneath the Earth to find himself without memory of who he or even where he is. He finds a flashlight from a corpse and continues through the tunnels, encountering a lot of weirdness. The first thing is a guy tangled in tree roots and the plant seems to be feeding off of him. Then there are the freaky looking mutants that look like something out of a Hellraiser movie. Eventually he does find other normal people and regains his memory and finds out exactly what Eden Log is and why the people underground are being transformed into the bestial creatures. Eden Log is different and intriguing. But be warned this is much more of an “Art Film” then it is a horror movie, just so you’re in the right mindset when watching.

Edge of Reality, The (2003)

Joe Bagnardi’s new anthology movie is an entertaining excursion into a ‘Twilight-Zonish’ world, complete with doppelgangers and bigfoot.The stories are connected by host Bruce G. Hallenbeck (Vampyre, Fangs, London After Midnight), who also acts in two of the stories.In the first tale a sheriff is killed by a poacher-and the sheriff’s body keeps on coming back, no matter how many times the man tries to dispose of it. In the end, when the authorities come, he cracks up and tells them about the murder. It’s a variation on Poe’s Tell Tale Heart. Next, is a story about a wimpy man confronting his doppelganger, who wants to kill him.The last story is my favorite. Two hunters come across a crazy-looking bearded man (Hallenbeck) and he tells them the tale of the bigfoot monster. The creature costume here is great-reminded me of ‘Sasquatch’ from The Six Million Dollar Man. All in all, a decent collection of tales.

Edmond (2006)

This is one of those movies that’s painful to watch, a very dark version of After Hours, in which what happens to the character (William H. Macy) gets worse and worse. One day Edmond decides that he doesn’t want to be married anymore and admits to his wife that he’s simply been going through the motions and hasn’t loved her for years. So she kicks him out. He walks through the city and decides to pay for some sex-but the situations he gets himself in never work out and he’s left beaten up and out of money. Then he meets a young waitress (Julia Stiles) at a restaurant and ends up sleeping with her. She seems to be a woman he can be with-but he gets angry when she starts becoming anxious and put off about his weird ramblings. He ends up violently killing her and is sent to jail and ends up with a big African American roommate who has designs on him. In the end, it seems as if being in the jail is where he was meant to be. EDMOND is a truly depressing film viewing experience written by David Mamet.

Eerie Indiana (1992)

The premise centers around Marshall Teller (Omri Katz) who recently moves to the town with his family. He becomes friends with a kid named Simon, and together they have lots of experiences. For each tale told they keep a memento and put it in their ‘Museum of Weird’, which is up in the attic.

Still, there is lots of weirdness. In the first episode, the two friends discover that a neighbor who sells a tupperware like container called ‘Foreverware’ is keeping herself and her twin sons forever young by sleeping in giant containers at night. That one is creepy. In another, Henry Gibson portrays a guy who is in charge of The Department of Lost, where all lost things go.  And in another a mummy comes to life from the television set. John Astin (Adams Family, father of the hobbit) portrays the owner of the local department store. Joe Dante was the creative consultant and he also directs some of the episodes. I think they were going for that Sid and Marty Croft feel but it doesn’t quite get there. Still, if you haven’t seen it the show is worth checking out.

Eight-Legged Freaks (2002)

The special effects are top-notch and the scene with the jumping spiders and the motorcycles was really quite creepy BUT whose ever idea it was to give the spiders cartoon sound effects should be smacked upside the head. It totally ruined the movie. I’ll take The Giant Spider Invasion over this any day.

Elektra (2005)

I enjoyed the film version of Daredevil, though I could have done without the casting of Ben Affleck in the title role. And although the character of Elektra was 90% different than as portrayed in the comic, I thought that the character’s solo movie could only be better. It’s always a bad sign when any movie starts with a long, voiced-over prologue of what it’s supposed be about. The only exception I can think of are the Star Wars movies-and they were the first to regularly do this. Anyways, this was a negative from the get-go because it’s so long winded. The producers & scriptwriters (3 writers!) have made the same mistake they made with the first Punisher movie, in bringing in these supporting characters that are supposed to ‘shape’ the main character and make them more humane. She’s a ruthless assassin, for godsakes. Here, it’s a father and daughter (their last name is Miller which I guess is an ‘in-joke’ about comic character creator Frank Miller) she is supposed to exterminate-and can’t bring herself to do so because it reminds her of her own father and her own childhood as a ‘gifted’ youngster. Also, casting of Jennifer Garner doesn’t quite work as she’s identified & compared too much in the back of my mind with her character on the TVv show Alias. By comparison, Elektra just sucks. The characters of Stick and the organization of ‘The Hand’ are also brought in-and bear little resemblance to their comic book counterparts. The villains are the most interesting thing. There’s the woman, Typhoid, who diseases anything she touches, Stone-a nearly indestructible giant, and Tattoo-who can make his many animal tattoos leave his body and assume form. Too bad they are dispatched way too easily. Before the movie started the theatre showed the preview for the upcoming Fantastic For movie, which in three minutes already seems quite different than the source material (and what is it with casting Jessica Alba as Sue Storm?!?!?).

Eleventh Hour, The (2006)

These four episodes comprise the original UK Television version of the show, which was remade for American TV in 2008/2009 season. Surprisingly, it’s much funnier than the US show, with Patrick Stewart’s Jacob Hood much more wry and sarcastic than his US counterpart. Also, the female bodyguard is gruffer and thicker boned than Marley Shelton. The story lines involve such things as human cloning and genetically engineered diseases.

Eleventh Hour, The  (2008)

This U.S adaptation of the British show is a tamer version of Fringe, the first episode honing in on America’s irrational fear of cloning (what, you haven’t seen a twin?). The main character, Jacob Hood (Rufus Sewell of Dark City, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter) is a consultant for the CIA and has a hot bodyguard in the form of Marley Shelton (Grindhouse, Sin City). When he confronts the billionaire father who is trying to clone his dead son, he says that in the nineteen failed attempts he’s been killing his son over and over again, yet in the same scene says that it would never be his son, as the soul goes beyond DNA. It’s a bit preachy and a bit of sloppy writing. I haven’t seen the original British version of the show so I can’t yet compare it to that. But I will still tune in as long as Marley Shelton is on it...

Elvira’s Haunted Hills (2001)

Elvira’s second movie is an extremely disappointing endeavor, trying to be funny and absolutely failing. Let’s just say that the only thing that doesn’t fall flat in the movie is her chest. Richard O’Brien (Rocky Horror Picture Show, Dark City) is completely wasted as the movie’s deranged villain. Awful.

Emerald Jungle, The (1980)

These two movies (The Emerald Jungle and Mountain of the Cannibal God) get the same review because they are basically the same movie with different actors. In The Emerald Jungle. Janet Agren is in search of her sister, who joined a strange religious cult. In Mountain of the Cannibal God Ursulla Andress is in search of her explorer husband. In both films there jungle guides are jaded, reluctant anti-heroes. On the expedition both jungle parties encounter IDENTICAL stock footage of wild animals eating each other, most notably a python eating a live monkey, remnants of a cannibal feast (again, same footage) and even some of the same jungle natives. Of the two, Mountain of the Cannibal God is more brutal, with more dismemberment, more killings, while The Emerald Jungle is more satisfying in that it is more character driven and makes you care whether the characters get eaten alive or not.

Encounter of the Spooky Kind (1980)

Samo Hung finds out that his wife is having an affair but has no idea who it is. He just finds the guy’s shoe in his house. It turns out to be the master he works for-and this guy hires a sorcerer to dispose of him. In one scene he is locked overnight in a crypt and the sorcerer brings to life one of those Chinese hopping vampires, which are very unnerving. In another scene Samo encounters a more traditional rotted zombie. An unbelievable amount of stuff is crammed into this movie. It’s part comedy, action, fantasy and horror movie.

Encrypt (2003)

In the near future, when the Earth’s ozone layer is depleted, civilization has fallen to ruins. In one of the destroyed cities a man (Grant Show) protects his people. When a former associate comes and offers him something he can’t refuse-food for everyone-he agrees to take a peculiar job. They are to make their way into a museum like building and get past its defense system in order to obtain all the hidden art treasures. Their employer says he wants to preserve mankind’s greatest achievements. But his true goal is somewhat more sinister. Once inside they are confronted by a holographic woman who was once human. Her memories were downloaded into the computer before she died. She tries to convince the five soldiers to stop what they are doing, to no avail. And one by one they are killed off. It turns out that the real goal is obtaining a micro-organism that, once released into the atmosphere, can repair the depleted ozone. The bad guys don’t want that to happen. Instead, they want people to buy-and eat-their synthetic food, which will be the only food available without sunlight. In the end the good guys win, but not without a surprising twist I didn’t see coming.

End of the Line (2009)

Karen is a nurse who works at a mental hospital. This particular night there’s a full moon and lunar eclipse, which may be contributing to everyone’s weird behavior. She leaves and takes the subway, only to be harassed by a creepy guy. Fortunately there’s someone else there, who pretends to know her in order to get the creep to go away. It works, though he ends up getting on the same subway and pulls the brake so it stops in the middle of the tunnels. Around this time members of the Eternal Hope Church get simultaneous messages on their beepers. They then take out these cross/knives they’re carrying and kill all the non-members, saying they are doing this for the love of God. A group of survivors, including Karen, get off the train and try making their way to some sort of safety. They get to a maintenance office, where two workers are stationed, and barricade themselves in. The television works—and it looks as if the entire world has gone insane. The Reverend of the church has hijacked the networks and is telling his followers to do God’s work—which is to kill people in order to save their souls.

End of the Line is a creepy movie on two levels. On one hand the beginning of the film, in which Karen haves this vivid nightmare with these demonic creatures, has one of the most effective opening scenes I’ve seen in years. And Evangelists, wielding knives in the name of God, are simply terrifying. Just like zombies there’s no reasoning with them. This is definitely Maurice Devereaux’s best movie.

Endangered Species (2005)

Although this alien/sci-fi/cop movie has a good cast (Eric Roberts (Carnosaur 4, Wolves of Wall Street), John Rhys-Davies (Sliders, The Lord of the Rings), Arnold Vosloo (The Mummy, Dark Man 2 & 3) & Tony Lo Bianco (God Told Me To), everything else about it is bad. During the title sequence there’s stock footage of near-extinct animals, finally ending on a shot of a Tyrannosaurus (well, that is extinct) biting at the camera. Then, ‘Warden’ (Vosloo) wakes up from a sleep. Later, after he’s taken in by police as a suspect, they inspect his leather jacket and say it’s not identifiable as from any animal. Presumably, it was made from the skin of the Tyrannosaur. There’s a serial killer on the loose (yes, another one) and he’s after physically perfect human specimens. When he kills them he shoots them in the eye as to not damage the skin. This is basically an alien poacher and it’s up to Warden to stop him from killing the humans. In the end the killer tears off his human mask and reveals himself to be a ‘Gray’ type of alien. The makeup for this-and throughout the movie-is not very good. It’s no big surprise to anybody when it’s revealed that Earth is a protected reserve and humans a protected species. There’s elements from John Carpenter’s They Live (with the sunglasses), Without Warning and  Predator (with an alien hunting humans for sport), along with some of the worst ‘clever’ dialogue I’ve heard in a long while. In fact, I can’t even believe this is a Kevin S. Tenney movie as I’ve enjoyed his earlier work (Witchboard, et cetera).

Endless Descent (1990)

This is one of those gooey, mutant monster movies from the 80’s (like The Kindred), with a weird idea and a great cast of character actors, from Ray Wise (Twin Peaks) to Ely Pouget (Dark Shadows revival) and R. Lee Ermey (Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake). The premise is that an experimental sub has gone missing, so another sub, led by Ermey and Jack Scalia (who is the sub’s inventor) go with a crew to investigate. They find an underwater cavern that has evidence of being some type of secret lab, but along with it are all these strange mutations. There’s a giant contraption that is breeding these creatures, “speeding up evolution”. So they not only have to get out alive but destroy the entire area before these new life forms get to the surface and take over the planet. This movie is also known as The Rift.

Enterprise: Season One (2001)

This prequel series takes place about a hundred years before Kirk’s time, to chronicle the adventures of the first Starship Enterpise. The first episode, Broken Bow, introduces enthusiastic Captain Jonathon Archer (Scott Bakula) and his crew—and also their annoyance with the Vulcans. The humans believe the aliens have been holding them back from space exploration the past ninety-years, which is true. A Klingon crash lands in a cornfield in the Midwest, pursued by green skinned shape-changing aliens called the Suliban. They injure the Klingon and in order to prevent a war with the Klington Empire, the newly commissioned Enterprise is sent to take him back to Quo’nos, the Klingon Homeworld. The Klingons here have the bony ridged heads, not the human looking ones from the original series (it’s finally explained in Season Four why they have the two different types of Klingons). Archer’s second in command is a female Vulcan named T’Pol (Jolene Blaylock) and his ship’s doctor is a Denobulan named Phlox, the only other alien among the human crew. There’s some chemistry between T’Pol and Charles “Trip” Tucker, the ship’s engineer.

In Terra Nova, the crew discovers a lost colony of humans, who have been surviving in underground tunnels after their atmosphere contaminated with radiation from a meteor. The Andorian Incident introduces the blue skinned, antennaed Andorians. They don’t like the Vulcans one bit. The primary villains are the Suliban and their Temporal Cold War they are involved with. They have received genetic modification technology from someone from the future and pretty much do as they command. Archer discovers that one of his crew members is really an agent from the future, making sure that the time-line proceeds as it should. In the season’s cliffhanger episode Archer is trapped 900 years in the future in which a Federation never happened and where the Earth is in ruins. To be honest, I have to say this is my favorite Star Trek series next to Star Trek: TNG. The characters are all very unique and interesting and presents Starfleet in a different way than I had imagined they would. Also, because this is a prequel to Kirk’s Star Trek this show still holds up in continuity with the recent movie, which in fact mentions Archer.

Enterprise: Season Two (2002)

The second season begins with the cliffhanger that ended the first season, Shockwave. Captain Archer and Daniels, the temporal agent from the 31st Century, are trapped on an alternate Earth where the Federation was never established. Everything is destroyed and the city the find themselves in his a huge ghost town. The second episode, Carbon Creek, is one of the most entertaining of the season. T’Pol, the female Vulcan second in command, relates a story in which her great-grandmother visited Earth in 1957. Then, in Minefield, the Enterprise comes across some weapons left by the mysterious Romulans.

What I like is that this series shows the difficulty the crew faces with certain things the Next Generation Enterprise would not encounter. In The Catwalk a wave of radiation is heading towards the ship—-and because they don’t have “shields” the crew must take refuge for several days in the most protected part of the ship. And in Singularity  T’pol has to save the ship when everyone else is passed out because of a black hole. Even The Borg make an appearance in Regeneration, in which some of the Borg left over from Star Trek: First Contact are awakened by a group of scientists who find them in the wreckage in the Arctic. They may be the whole reason the Collective knows about humanity to begin with. And the pig-like Tellarites are more of a presense.

The season ends with a probe killing seven million people on Earth and the ship is recalled back from their exploratory mission. Archer is contacted by the Sulliban, the green time-traveling aliens, and their mysterious benefactor from the future tells him who is responsible. They are called the Xindi and they live in a remote section of space called The Expanse. It is a very dangerous and unstable section of space—but Archer takes his ship and crew there if it means saving the Earth. This last episode changes the tone of the entire series from here on out. I enjoyed this season more than the first, until the last episode, which seems like the writers’ response to 911, which happened earlier that year. Now Star Trek has space terrorists!

Entity, The (1982)

Carla Moran (Barbara Hershey), a single mother with three children, is attacked by an invisible assailant. The first time it happens she’s convinced she’s raped by a man but when they check the house all the windows and doors are locked. When it begins to happen again she flees with her family to a friends. She confides that the man was invisible and her friend thinks she’s crazy. During one of the attacks her sixteen year old son tries to intervene and gets his wrist broken by the invisible creature.

Carla goes to see a by-the-book psychiatrist, Phil Sneiderman (Ron Silver), who believes that she’s really causing herself injury. He doesn’t believe in anything supernatural. She goes along with him because she’s afraid that it may be in her mind. But when she overhears two college parapsychologist talking about recording ghost activity she tells them about her experiences. They stay at her house for a night and witness it first hand. They believe her—and she’s relieved because this means she isn’t crazy after all. In fact, the head of the parapsychology department wants to try to capture this “entity” in frozen helium. They recreate the inside of her house within the University’s gymnasium, where she’ll stay until it appears. Then she’ll retreat to a safe area and then release the gas, freezing the thing instantly. But, of course, things don’t go as planned and it takes control of the freezing contraption and tries to kill her. The psychiatrist is the one who actually saves her before the whole thing explodes.

I enjoyed this movie far more now than I did when I first saw it in ‘82. It’s a lot like Poltergeist, in a way, particularly with the psychic investigators (2 men and a woman). The special effects of the invisible Entity grabbing her, putting handprints on her bare flesh, all done with latex appliances and bladder effects, are convincing. Recommended. Based on the book by Frank DeFelitta, who also wrote the screenplay.

Epic Movie (2007)

This isn’t nearly as funny as the Scary Movie movies, though it’s always clever to see how they can combine the numerous plot-points of “Blockbuster” movies such as Chronicles of Narnia, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Pirates of the Caribbean and half a dozen others. I thought the casting of Crispin Glover as “Willy” was ingenious - and in retrospect he probably should have been cast in the lead of the real Willy Wonka movie, as he is creepy. Fred Willard is also a hoot as the over-sexed half-lion ruler of Gnarnia. The hot wet beaver is the star, though.

Equilibrium (2002)

Christian Bale (American Psycho, Batman trilogy) portrays a government appointed ‘cleric’ whose job it is is to hunt down and kill individuals who feel emotion. He lives in a future world where everyone is forced to take a drug which basically eliminates human feelings. Their society believes this will also remove mankind’s desire to go to war.On the outskirts of the city are the normal humans, who the clerics hunt down on a normal basis. And if anyone within the city is discovered not taking the daily inhibitors they are put to death by being burnt alive.Bale accidently drops his morning pill down the sink-and fails to get a replacement. Then, the next time he is supposed to take one he doesn’t-until he starts feeling how he never has before. At the point he starts stashing the pills behind his bathroom medicine cabinet. He has to be careful though, because even his two young children may report him to the authorities if they discover this. Bale eventually sides with the rebels in an effort to topple this cold society.Sure, the movie has elements of the classic novels Brave New World and 1984, so it seems familiar.Yet, this movie is worth seeing simply for the action sequences, which I found extremely unique. In these scenes where the main character kills others, it’s as if he does so with the minimum of movement. It’s almost the opposite of that ‘Matrix’ effect. Very cool.

Equinox (1971)

After watching this movie you can’t help but realize how much the directors of both the Blair Witch Project and The Evil Dead owe to this movie. Two couples, who are supposed to meet up with their archeology professor in the woods, encounter some strange goings on....they come across the Professor’s cabin to find it destroyed, they see strange giant footprints on the ground-and are given an old, leatherbound book containing satanic spells by a crazy old guy who lives in a cave. Through the Professor’s journal they are informed that some of those spells in the book worked-and that he summoned some creatures from hell, among them a large stop-motion ape creature and a sinister character named Asmodeus. Only one of the students escapes the creatures-only to be committed to the mental wing of a hospital, where his story is told in flashback.

Eragon (2006)

This is a lackluster dragon movie that had way too much hype. Dragonslayer and both the Dragonheart movies are far far better than this contrived action “epic”. The biggest problem is that the dragon talks to her rider psychically and for some reason this doesn’t translate well on screen. There are no surprises whatsoever in this paint-by-the-numbers movie and it perhaps features the blandest hero this viewer has seen in a long time.

Escape from Mars (1999)

Almost fifty years after the first moon landing the crew of the spaceship Sagan is ready to make the first human landing on Mars. The crew must face technological glitches—and their own personalities—along the way, and once they reach the Red Planet must deal with huge sand storms and deadly meteorite showers. I liked this movie—there’s some good performances by Christine Elise (China Beach) and Peter Outerbridge (Millenium, 3rd season)—and it’s much more realistic than the bigger budget Red Planet or Mission to Mars (though I liked those movies as well). Check it out.

Escape from the Planet of the Apes (1971)

The beginning of the movie looks like the same shot of the ocean and cliffs from the end of first Apes movie, when Taylor sees the half buried Statue of Liberty. Yet when we hear a helicopter and see the human pilot we know something is awry, never mind the fact that the entire earth was destroyed at the end of Beneath the Planet of the Apes. The army brings a battered looking spacecraft to shore, helps out the three astronauts—and are shocked when they take off their helmets to reveal they are chimpanzees. They are Cornelius (Roddy McDowell), Zira (Kim Hunter) and Dr. Milo. At first, when the apes are taken to the Los Angeles zoo, they keep quiet. It’s when Zira gets irritated being tested by Doctors Lewis Dixon (Bradford Dillman) and Stephanie Branton (Natalie Trundy, who also portrayed one of the skinless mutants in Beneath the Planet of The Apes) that she talks. The government questions them but they keep quiet about coming from a future world where humans are basically animals. The President of the U.S. is fairly laid back in regard to the intelligent apes but his science advisor, Dr. Otto Hasslein (Eric Braeden) views them as a threat from the get-go. The public accepts the talking primates and they become overnight celebrities and are shown the city. And Zira faints when she’s in the natural history museum. They think she passed out from seeing a stuffed gorilla but she says it’s because she’s pregnant.

Eventually, they let the truth slip and Cornelius and Zira are taken to a military base and interrogated. Cornelius explains he has access to secret documents the Orangutans had, that tell of how apes were kept as pets for two hundred years by humans after all dogs and cats became extinct, then how they revolted 300 years later when they were slaves. But the intelligent apes traveling back in time changes all this, speeding everything up by 500 years because their son, Caesar, will begin the ape revolt twenty years later in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes. The U.S. government then decides to have Zira’s child aborted and the adults steralized. Before this happens they manage to escape, though Cornelius accidently kills an orderly who is bringing them a tray of food. They’re helped by the two human doctors, who arrange for them to hide out in the Circus of a friend of theirs, Armando (Ricardo Montalban). He loves the apes and introduces them to a chimp he has that recently gave birth. However, soon after Zira gives birth they have to flee the circus and so take refuge in an abandoned freighter in the bay. Otto Hasslein, intent on preserving mankind’s future, tracks them down and ends up killing Zira and her infant son. Cornelius is shot by the military and falls to his death. It’s one of the most depressing ends of a movie, ever. It does end on an up note, as the final scene is at Armando’s Circus—and we see the infant chimpanzee say “Momma, momma.” Zira had swapped her kid with that of the other chimp. It’s a story that’s continued in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes...

Eternal Blood (2003)

This is one of the better ‘Fangoria Presents’ movies, about a journalism student who gets involved with a group of vampire game role players. She becomes interested in them through a guy named ‘M’, with whom she has a sexual interest. Once she starts playing the game she’s hooked. The scenes portraying the gamers as the vampires are extremely well-done and creepy, reminding me of Demons. The vampires have red or white eyes, lots of fangs, dark veins running beneath their pasty skin and move in an unnatural way. Very effective. As the woman’s involvement with her new friends continues, she accompanies them to a party where there may actually be vampires. Her boyfriend,’M’ suspects that not everyone is human, particularly the party’s host who is a guy named ‘Dahmer’. In an earlier scene he saw Dahmer actually transform into a creature. Since the movie goes back and forth between the vampire scenes, the role players and the ‘real’ vampires, the viewer is never quite certain what is going on. It’s hinted at that ‘M’ may be hallucinating, so that’s always in the back of your mind when watching it, right up until the ending, which does not disappoint. Eternal Blood is a fast-paced, quirky vampire movie with plenty of gore, monsters and unpredictability.

Eternal Desires (1997)

A young woman named Allison, accidently killed when she slips and bashes her head on a tombstone, is brought back to life by the local vampire Peter Deluise lookalike, Lord Christopher, who senses her death. She, in turn, bites her best friend Kristen who goes on a sexual biting spree. While Allison starts adapting to the vampiric way of life, painting her face white and wearing black, Christopher continues to wait for the reincarnation of his lost love, Elisabeth Mills, who was killed 100 years before. Meanwhile Kirsten, more selfish and self-serving as a vampire than she was in life, seeks to come between Lord Christopher and his desires, for Unlike the others she relishes the kill. Ultimately there’s a show down between the three different vampires as they wait for ‘destiny’ and the reimbodiment of Elisabeth Mills. Although this vampire films as all the typical elements you expect to find in a vampire film the actors and the film’s story make it an extremely satisfying journey into the realm of the undead. Like Blair Murphy’s Jugular Wine this film shows what it’s like to be a vampire than simply tell a story.

Eureka: Season One (2006)

Eureka is a clever, engaging show, more serious than humorous, and more unpredictable than you usual series on the Sci-Fi Channel. In the pilot, U.S. Marshall Jack Carter (Colin Ferguson), while transporting his delinquent fifteen-year-old daughter back home, crashes his car in the town of Eureka. Eureka is a strange town, inhabited by brilliant scientists, most of them working on top-secret government projects at a nearby facility. These experiments range from cloning to time travel, to the investigation of a strange, amorphous object that may date from the beginning of the universe. Carter ends up being stationed there by the government, as the town’s sheriff. His assistant, Jo (Erica Cerra), a small, extremely strong woman is a bit resentful of his placement at first, but they eventually resolve their differences. The potential love interest is Allison Blake (Salli Richardson), who has an autistic son and actor Matt Frewer is utterly hilarious as Jim Taggert, who is sort of an explorer/hunter. The twelve episode run begins with a time-travel story and also ends with one, in which the sheriff must transport his mind back in time to prevent a catastrophe that will destroy the world. But in doing so he may be giving up his happiness, as this may change how his future life progresses. And I’m sure, because he remembers three years of this ‘alternate’ life - it will pose some problems in the second season. Eureka is definitely worth your time, a cool series with a great ensemble cast.

Eureka Season Two (2007)

The end of Season One left Sheriff Carter (Colin Ferguson) with the memories of four years of time in the future that really didn’t happen. In this future he was married to, and expecting a child with, Allison Blake. Now he has to come to terms with that....but not for long, as Henry Deacon (Joe Morton, Brother from Another Planet, Coma mini-series) erases these memories from him. Deacon, the only other person aware of this future reality, chooses to remember everything because it involved the death of his girlfriend. I think it would have been far more interesting to have the sheriff try to reconcile these two realities” throughout the season. Instead, most of the season’s plot line revolves around Allison’s autistic son, who has absorbed energy from a mysterious object they kept at the lab. Most of what happens with the boy is off screen and talked about by the other characters, so we don’t get a good sense of him as a person. The love-interest story between the female deputy and Jim Taggart (Matt Frewer) is also dropped abruptly, though they do tie up the Beverly Barlowe/double agent story begun in the first season. Overall, the second year is disappointing compared to the first season.

Evan Straw (2010)

Alice Marsh, a recently widowed woman, moves into an old stone house that was built in the 1700’s. It doesn’t bother her that there are rumors that it is haunted. That is, until one day she walks into a room and sees a human shaped shadow on the wall, which quickly vanishes. Then, stuff starts moving around the house, like a mirror on her bed, which creeps her out. She confides all this to her Aunt Gert, who lives nearby. She calls in a psychic to help deal with this and they contact Evan Straw, who doesn’t want to leave. But at the same time Alice’s dead husband decides to contact her, which makes it all even more confusing. Then they call in another supernatural expert, a Russian guy named Peter (Mike Legge), who has a reputation of getting rid of ghosts. He can actually see spiritual vortexes. Peter immediately makes contact with Evan and the ghost says that he needs the woman, for some reason. Exactly what the entity actually is is very intriguing and I don’t think I’ve ever seen this tackled in a movie before.

Writer/Director Mike Legge’s first serious movie is a success on many levels—it’s well acted, interesting and will keep you guessing. Evan Straw is also one of the best ghost stories I’ve seen in a long while.

Event, The (2010)

Twenty-something Sean Walker (Jason Ritter) is on vacation with his fiance in South America. She’s kidnapped and he’s framed for murder. In fact, her father, an airplane pilot, is coerced into crashing his jet into The President’s meeting, during which he’s going to announce that there are “aliens” being kept captive on Earth since 1944. At the last moment the plane is sucked into a vortex and appears two thousand miles away, in Arizona. Sophia, leader of the mysterious group that’s being kept prisoner in a maximum security prison in Alaska, wants to help President Martinez (Blair Underwood). But when this near-assassination attempt happens she clams up and won’t reveal what’s going on. Then there’s Tomas, Sofia’s colleague, who has been living free in the world. Through some flashbacks we find out that he’s been instrumental in advancing mankind’s technology because he needs it in order to get them all back home, wherever/whenever that is. While it’s established that these people have a 1% difference in their DNA from humans we don’t know if they are from another world or maybe even from the future, the next step in mankind’s evolution.

At the end of episode #5 Sophia manages to escape with Tomas, via another portal. However, the agent who was in charge of guarding her, who was secretlly one of them, almost gets killed when a building collapses. Of all the characters he’s the most human and we see in a flashback from the 50’s that he has all of the same emotions. One of the more interesting characters is government agent Blake Sterling (Zeljko Ivanek of Heroes, True Blood), who is determined to keep these people a secret. And we learn why he’s become such an asshole, via a flashback. The first several episodes didn’t impress me. The show is seemed convoluted and skipped around, via flashbacks, more than LOST ever did. I think they were trying to appeal to the same audience but it causes me the same frustration—-and felt there was no end in site for all the questions that are never answered. Yet with episodes f#4-7 THE EVENT is beginning to grow on me as characters are finally fleshed out and more is revealed about this mysterious group of people. Hopefully it will be able to maintain my interest...

Ever Since the Word Ended (2006)

Done in documentary style, this movie follows a group of filmmakers in San Francisco twelve years after a plague has destroyed most of mankind. Less than two hundred people now live in the city. A couple of guys, one of them a filmmaker, get a video camera and decide to document what’s going on in their society. We gets people’s perspectives, the most interesting being that of the children who were too young to remember the old world. It’s shown how people continue to survive what’s left from the old world, such as utilizing battery power and still able to use running water. Conflict arises from the return of an unstable individual who was banished years before for setting some buildings on fire—and everyone is afraid he’ll kill someone. Some people want to drive him out again, others want to kill him first. Ever Since the World Ended

is one of the best “End of the World” movies.

Every Move You Make (2002)

Glenn Andreiv’s newest movie is about a young woman who looks like the blonde sister from Family Ties, being stalked. At first it’s phone calls, then it’s personal information he shouldn’t know. She confides in her friends and they give her various suggestions on how to handle it. She even goes to a criminologist, portrayed by Bernard Goetz, who tells her to record every message and put surveillance cameras around the outside of her house. She eventually finds out who it is-a high school football player-and tries to turn the tables, which doesn’t quite work out because of the legal system. Ultimately, she moves away so she’ll feel safe. At first I was ambivalent about this movie but the more I thought about it the more I liked it. My problem is with the actor who portrays the stalker—-he’s horrible! Horrible! Bernard Goetz, who has an extended cameo as ‘the criminologist’ is by far the creepiest character in the movie. Sorry Bernard, you are one creepy dude! Overall, Every Move You Make is a good character study of a woman being stalked.

Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask... (1972)

This Woody Allen movie from the 70’s, consisting of a variety of stories, has one about a mad scientist (John Carradine) experimenting with sex. Woody and his girlfriend stumble upon his castle, find out what he’s up to-and leave-but not before the doctor frees a gigantic breast, which chases them across the countryside, killing innocent bystanders by drowning them in milk. This is one of the most absurd site gags I’ve ever seen, this giant breast moving on its own, utterly hilarious. The police eventually capture it in a giant bra.

Evil Alien Conquerors (2002)

This is one of those movies that’s so stupid it’s actually funny. My-ike (Deidrich Bader of DREW CARREY SHOW) and Du-ug (Chris Parnell) are teleported to Earth and are, at the orders of their leader, to take over the planet in a few days. If they don’t succeed they’ll be fed to The Croker (Tyler Labine), this hundred foot tall man who likes to eat people. They befriend a slacker type who wants to help them with their mission. Highlights are when the two aliens encounter two women at a dry-cleaners who both have uni-brows (one continuous eyebrow) and they then proceed to sing the Unibrow song. Then, The Croker is sent to Earth but the teleportation goes wrong and he ends up being normal sized. This doesn’t stop him, though, from walking in slow motion, trying to convince everyone he’s still a giant who can step on them and crush them.

Screenplay by Chris Matheson (son of Richard Matheson). Beware the Croker!

Evil Aliens (2007)

I enjoyed Jake West’s Razor Blade Smile and Pumpkinhead movie better than this sci-fi comedy. It doesn’t quite “click” and seems to cover material already too familiar, such as the jaded TV reporter actually coming across real aliens. The aliens themselves look okay, another variation on the “Grey Alien”, though they are nastier in disposition. EVIL ALIENS is just too familiar to be entertaining.

Evil Ambitions (1996)

An satanic public relations firm lures young wannabee models to the sacrificial altar in hopes of summoning the devil himself. A renegade reporter by the name of McGavin, intent on digging up some dirt on the governor (who is one of the cult members) stumbles upon their plan for world domination...and sees some really cool special effects. This is a fun movie, one of the best Kolchak the Night Stalker episodes that was never made, with special appearances by Bill Hinzman (Night of the Living Dead) and Debbie Rochon (Abducted II).

Evil Behind You (2006)

Two young couples wake up from taxi rides to find themselves being held prisoner in some type of old building. The women are free to walk around the room but their significant others are handcuffed to hospital beds and have these wires attached to their ears and heads. We quickly find out that they are being exposed to a new strain of meningitis, which a group of stereotypical terrorists (with the worst Middle-Eastern accents) want to unleash upon the city. But they need their prisoner doctor to come up with an antidote so they won’t die. They keep on threatening to kill his young son if he does not comply. A side effect of the bacteria, though, is that it affects the men’s brains so they can see into the next dimension, where demons prowl around and clearly affect the behavior of the people around them. So, when someone dies they see their spirit leave their body, then these nasty-looking demons pull them, screaming, down into the ground, presumably to hell. But it’s stated several times that if they truly believe in Jesus they can’t be harmed by these awful demons.

The weakest part of the movie is the script. There are just too many plot-holes and unrealistic dialogue. As far as the acting, the best performer is Manuel Valasquez as David. He truly seems as if he’s the character, as compared to the wooden acting by the rest of the ensemble. I can see him going on to other movies. The set is also odd, as it’s supposed to be in some dingy warehouse but when there’s a close up shot of someone leaning against a wall you see that it’s simply that faux brick paneling, which makes the sets look even cheaper. The best part of the film are the special effects with the demons and they give a good ten minutes of creepiness in this ninety-minute movie.

Evil Behind You is clearly identified as a “Christian Thriller” (can those two words be used together?) on the cover and its function is to put the fear of the devil in you so that you have to have a certain set of beliefs or you’re going to hell in a hand basket. Oh, and it seems that it’s those demons that make people do bad things in the world, not the people themselves. The film also heavy handedly has the stereotypical Middle Eastern Muslim Terrorists (who are made up to look like those cavemen on the Geiko commercials) being dragged down to the pitt. And in the production notes, the filmmakers make it a point to say that there’s no cussing in the entire movie. There’s not even use of the the “S” word and there are plenty of opportunities for the characters to shout that small invective. If you’re a die-hard Christian you’ll probably enjoy this movie as it will reaffirm all of your beliefs. If you’re not a believer, though, at the end of the movie you may nevertheless be saying “Jesus!”

Evil Bong (2007)

A nerd moves into the apartment with a bunch of pot-heads, just in time for them to get a special delivery of a giant bong. Each time one of them uses it the bong takes their soul - and they are sent to this weird dimension that looks suspiciously like a strip club, complete with the strippers. Here, we have cameos of The Gingerdead Man and also Jack Deth himself (Tim Thomerson). The special effects are so-so and the living bong, while it has a woman’s face and talks, doesn’t move its lips. I particularly like the editing transitions between scenes, with all the marijuana leaves (edited by Danny Draven). Robin Syndney, also in Charles Band’s Gingerdead Man and Dead Man’s Hand gives completely different performance here as a stoned out party girl. Tommy Chong is hilarious and it’s worth seeing the movie for his appearance alone. This is a goofy movie but it has some hilarious dialogue and is remarkably funny.

Evil Breed: The Legend of Samhain (2003)

A group of American University students go to England to study the old Celtic legends and come face to face with a tribe of inbred mutant cannibals that have existed since the Middle Ages. Actor Richard Grieco, with weird long hair, appears for five minutes and Bobbie Phillips (Chameleon 1-3) is the chaperone. The monsters live underground in tunnels, but the set design is so cheap that all the stone walls look like the styrofoam that they are. The inbred mutant cannibals are nasty looking, along the lines of The Hills Have Eyes, but the story sucks, the acting sucks, and the set design really sucks. A triple suck movie.

Evil Dead Trap (1988)

A woman reporter receives a tape in the mail of a girl being gruesomely tortured to death. Curious, she goes to investigate. Along for the ride are her production people. She finds the location, an abandoned building that used to be an army base, and soon strange things start to happen. And her friends are killed off one by one in horrible ways. Trapped, unable to leave the building, she has to figure out what’s going on. She meets a mysterious man, who at first seems to be her benefactor, but it turns out that he’s the killer. Or at least a part of him is. An entity, who he calls his brother, lives inside of him-and this fetus-creature is evil. It refers to the woman reporter as ‘mother’, for a reason we don’t find out until the end. The man wants his torture to end and tries to kill himself, and the monster, but it doesn’t work out. And when she sets him on fire the creature reanimates the body so that this burnt out zombie is trying to kill her. She ultimately escapes but she has unwittingly taken someTHING with her... This is a good horror movie. Lots of suspense, creepy characters, over-the-top gore and a unique monster. In terms of tone, music and pacing this really reminded me of a Lucio Fulci movie, only with Japanese people.

Evil Lives (2000)

A six-hundred year-old-man, Richard Wayborn, kills women in order to resurrect his wife & eternal love, a sadistic woman who was killed the same time he was made immortal. As soon as he kills the woman’s body becomes reanimated by his lover’s spirit and he has several hours of fun before rigor mortis sets in. But his mode of operation becomes endangered when he tries to kill one of his students (he is posing as a famous horror author, though it’s his wife who is really writing the books). He has to kill her before she exposes him. There’s also an appearance by Dawn Wells (Maryann from Gilligan’s Island!). Although it’s an interesting premise there are quite a few plot-holes that can’t be overlooked (for example, when he snaps a woman’s neck and she becomes reanimated—the reanimated corpse’s head would probably be wobbling around).

Evil Never Dies (2003)

Actually, old ideas never die-they just get recycled. This time around it’s the Frankenstein scenario, used in a made-for-cable movie. A detective (Thomas Gibson), still recuperating from his wife’s murder by a serial killer five years previous, finally witnesses the psycho’s execution by lethal injection. It doesn’t make him feel much better, though. His attitude is so bad around the precinct that they reassign him as a glorified security guard to the nearby college campus. Here, a scientist is working on an experiment with nanotechnology to bring back dead tissue-and the corpse he and his female assistant bring back to life is that of the serial killer. Well, the killer escapes, strangles the scientist and a few other people-and even kidnaps the woman assistant, who the detective has developed feelings for. So now the detective is REALLY mad. The movie was decent enough until the last fifteen minutes-when there’s one of the dumbest twist endings I’ve seen, which is supposed to explain why the doctor was using the serial killer’s body to begin with. Well, a message to the four scriptwriters it took to come up with it-it didn’t work!

Evil One, The (2004)

In the Englewood neighborhood of Chicago a serial killer is enthusiastically doing his job. A newspaper photographer, as she investigates the murders, discovers that there may be a connection to American’s first serial-killer, Herman Webster Mudgett Jr. After he was killed in the late 1800’s he was buried face-down, towards hell. The new slayings hit close to home because the photographer’s mother was killed twenty years before my another serial killer, who turns out to be the grandson of Mudgett. Is serial-killing in the blood or is there a more supernatural cause?Nearly the entire cast is African-American, except for a few white people who all turn out to be evil (a subtle message?). Although the acting is uneven, The Evil One  is a well-written and directed independent horror film that achieves a decent level of creepiness.

Evil Remains (2005)

A guy in college is doing his thesis on a local myth and convinces his friends to accompany him when he goes to investigate an old abandoned house where this tale originated. Years before a guy had killed his father and burned his mother alive, only to disappear. It’s rumored that if anyone ventures on the property they’ll be killed, too.Well, it turns out that the myth is real-and they’re picked off one by one. Evil Remains is very much influenced by Blair Witch, with the growing sense of paranoia, claustrophobic camera shots and a feeling of unease about “The Unknown” lurking about. It’s a tense, creepy little movie, worth checking out.

Evil Things (2009)

This dvd came in a clever package, complete with a letter from the FBI. At first I thought, “Oh crap, they’re finally on to me”, but then realized it was the gimmick for Evil Things. This dvd is supposed to be “The artifact”/evidence in a missing person’s case. The dvd begins with a group of five friends who drive out of New York City to Woodstock, in the Winter, to celebrate the 21st birthday of one of them, Miriam. She is driving. The entire story is told from the perspective from the camera, which is operated mostly by one person. On the road a black van passes them, then slows down, so they have to pass it. Then it does this again. In fact, when they all stop at a roadside diner to get a bite to eat they think they see the same van, which puts them all on edge. Then, they finally make it to the house they are staying at, which is isolated in the middle of the woods. But someone may have followed them....

The next day they decide to go hiking and get lost in a scene that’s a bit too much like Blair Witch. They all freak out and think someone is after them. Fortunately, they left on all the lights in the house and get back there safely. Once inside, the phone rings but no one answers when they pick up. Then there’s a knock on the door. No one is there, though they left a wrapped package. It’s a videotape. They play it and see themselves on camera, from the point-of-view of whoever was watching them inside the van. Then it shows footage of them all sleeping in their beds....

The challenging thing about these faux documentary movies is making it seem natural and not forced, with both the performances and the situations, and in this Evil Things succeeds. I really felt as if I was watching some home movies and the acting was completely naturalistic. The bit when one of the women was impersonating the camera guy’s mother and asking him if he was taking condoms on the trip is hilarious. The soundtrack is effective and creepy but if this was an actual tape, shot live, there would be no background music. After the first hour the movie radically departs and goes to a whole new set of characters, students making a film in Central Park, which is entirely needless and didn’t do anything for the story other than add a boring ten minute epilogue. Otherwise, the movie would have been only 60 minutes. Directed by Dominic Perez.

Evilmaker, The  (2000)

From talented director John Bowker comes this refreshing ghost story. A woman (Stephanie Beaton) on the rebound from her unfaithful husband goes on a camping trip with her three disparate friends. But their car breaks down and they take refuge in an abandoned house where some strange, supernatural events start to happen. Stephanie Beaton (Witchcraft series), as the lead, is quite good, perhaps her best performance to date, and the other actors are believably cast. There are enough twists and turns to keep the viewer guessing as to what, exactly, is going on, ultimately leading to a satisfying conclusion.

Evilution (2008)

This zombie movie begins in Iraq, at a military base where something has gone terribly wrong. We see a scientist brutally attacked and eaten by “28 Days Later” type zombies. Then there’s a nerdy scientist, Darren Hall, fleeing in a jeep and he’s taking a sample of a biological agent with him. We assume that this is what created the zombies, especially when he says “it wasn’t ready for human testing”. He’s able to escape the compound when the perimeter guards are attacked and the whole place is bombed to ash.

Then, he’s in the States and takes residence in the basement apartment of a run-down building. He’s threatened by some Hispanic guys who are, of course, members of a gang. And he befriends a neighbor, Maddie. She becomes his girlfriend. Meanwhile, the army has tracked him down and they want that serum he stole. Things get out of hand when a homeless guy steals the substance, believing it to be a new drug. He becomes zombified and starts infecting all the other people in the building. The zombies here are very threatening and there’s plenty of blood. I enjoyed the first half of this movie, yet it simply turns into a lesser re-hash of Return of the Living Dead Part 3, with a downer ending. Directed by Chris Conlee (Abominable, Butterfly Effect 2)

Evolution (2001)

This movie is simply an extended fart joke. But it wasn’t a gas....!

Evolution: The Animated Series (2002)

As with the American version of Godzilla, the animated adventures of these characters are far superior than those in the motion picture.The alien threat, referred to as ‘The Genus’, returns soon after its presumed defeat and starts evolving into an assortment of strange creatures in the small Arizona town. Returning are the worms, insects and dinosaur looking-aliens. Dr. Ira Kane and his colleagues attack them with the same selenium compound, only this time they are becoming immune to it. So he has to keep on coming up with new variations of the formula. The alien life form also takes on a sentient incarnation, which looks like a cross between an octopus and a demon. This creature (in at the first few episodes) tells the humans that they are going to be defeated, et cetera. As ‘The Genus’ is continually moving and they are unable to destroy it all at once, Ira Kane creates a creature to track down the scent. This is a sort of alien bloodhound called ‘Gassie’, which is like Gleep from The Herculoids, only with three eyes. Its name is self explanatory. The tone of Evolution is more suited towards a cartoon, which I think is why it is so much better than its predecessor.

Ewok Adventure, The (1984)

I remember not really liking this movie when I saw it twenty years ago and upon re-viewing I still don’t like it. It’s not as horrendous as the infamous Star Wars Christmas Special but it’s close.Lucas probably thought it was a good idea to come out with this made-for-tv movie after Return of the Jedi when he should have just left those Ewoks alone. They’re the most fake looking aliens in the entire STAR WARS universe, with those unblinking eyes, unmoving mouths and baggy teddy-bear like costumes. A family (Father, Mother, Son, Daughter) crash lands on Endor and the kids are separated from the parents and have to find them. The kids encounter the Ewoks and the teenaged boy is reluctant to get their help. After fighting this huge ‘watch-dog’ type creature they discover that the parents are being held by this giant called the Gorax. They must travel to the mountains, an area where the Ewoks never go. In the lair of the creature they encounter a fake looking giant spider (you can see the cables holding it up). There’s an encounter with the giant Gorax that reminded me of Jack and the Beanstalk, which I’m sure was its inspiration. The weird thing is, it looks like the actor portraying the Gorax is just wearing a mask-you can see his normal skin behind the clear-cut eyeholes in the close-up shots when he’s looking at the caged parents. The Ewok Adventure still remains a bad memory...

Executive Koala (2009)

This simply a very weird—and hilarious— movie. In Japan an office executive is suspected of killing his girlfriend, primarily because his wife mysteriously disappeared three years before. But there’s a twist— he’s a six foot tall talking humanoid Koala. And the boss of the food distribution company he works for is an albino rabbit. This all seems entirely normal to all the humans who work in the office. There’s even a frog who is a cashier at the grocery store he goes to. There’s a detective who believes the Koala is getting away with murder and tries getting the scoop from his psychiatrist, who of course won’t divulge confidential information. And the timid Koala is having these terrible nightmares of killing people. As strange as the movie starts off it only continues to get stranger. There is killing but not any type of gore effects. The most violent instances, I think, are when he picks up some people and hurls them around into walls or breaks somebody’s neck. The ax murders just show blood being splattered. I did find the images of the glowing red eyed Koala creepy, particularly the “stalking” sequences which are like something out of an Asian ghost movie. After watching Executive Koala you will believe a Koala can talk— and kill!

Exit Humanity (2012)

This low-budget zombie movie opens during the American Civil War, with a voice-over of a soldier who witnessed a zombie uprising. The very beginning of the movie has text that explains how these early zombie outbreaks may lead a clue to preventing “the zombie Apocalypse”. Anyways, we go to this man’s journal, where we hear a guy who sounds like a faux Abraham Lincoln explaining how his wife turned into a creature—and then his son. The zombie-makeup is as basic as it can get— white makeup. In fact, I have the suspicion that the director/producer had access to a bunch of Civil War re-inactors. You should exit this movie soon as you can.

Exorcism (1986)

Paul Naschy’s take on The Exorcist, with the daughter of an English aristocrat being possessed by the evil spirit of her father, who wants revenge on his wife. She had committed him to an insane asylum, where he died. There is some levitation and some decent possession makeup. Director Naschy portrays the priest.

Exorcism of Emily Rose, The (2005)

This is one of the better Exorcism movies I’ve seen, based on the true story of a real Exorcism that went awry in the mid 1970’s. The beginning of the movie starts with the end of Emily (Jennifer Carpenter). The priest who did the exorcism, Father Moore (Tom Wilkinson), is taken away by the sheriff and is soon on trial for the negligent homicide of the young woman. The majority of the movie takes place within the courtroom and the story is told via flashbacks. Sometimes the viewer is even shown two different versions of what may have happened, the supernatural and the explainable.The special effects of the demons/evil spirits are creepy, very similar to those seen in the movie Dead Birds. The possession and exorcism scenes are also a bit different than I expected. Recommended.

Exorcismus (2010)

Emma is a teenager who is having problems. Right after she goes into a seizure her parents take her to the hospital, where they do numerous tests. Everything is negative. But she soon comes to believe that she’s possessed by an evil spirit and asks her uncle’s help. She blanks out and does horrible things, like nearly drowning her younger brother in bathtub and causing a potential boyfriend to get in a fatal car crash. The parents are not religious and are reluctant to have the uncle do the procedure but ultimately agree after they witness her levitating off the ground.  He does this in their home and videotapes the sessions, in which her eyes turn white and she speaks in a different voice. It’s revealed that he had tried doing an exorcism before—but the young girl died as a result, and we get the sense that he wants to redeem himself and do it right this time. What really makes this movie is the “twist”, which makes complete sense and adds an entirely different dimension to the film. Doug Bradley (Pinhead from the Hellraiser movies)has a brief role as another exorcist. Highly recommended. Next to the original Exorcist movie, this is one of the best possession movie I’ve seen.

Exorcist: The Beginning (2004)

I liked this better than the first sequel, The Heretic, and less than part 3. Here, we’re taken back to 1949 Africa where we find an alcoholic, disillusioned ex-priest Merrin (who would later perform the exorcism on Linda Blair in the first movie). He’s recruited to go investigate an ancient temple in Africa, a temple built around 5 A.D, way before Christianity even reached that far.He meets the other people at the dig, including a female Doctor (a possible love interest) and a couple of native children. One of the kids is torn apart by hyenas and the other appears to be possessed by evil spirits. As more and more of the buried temple is uncovered more bad things happen in the surrounding area, foremost among them the hostility between the locals and the British soldiers. Merrin discovers that this Christian temple was build over a far more ancient temple, which had performed human sacrifice. And he learns, through a young priest who accompanied him to the site, that this area could very well be the spot where Lucifer was cast down from heaven. That’s why the place is so evil.The story really parallels John Carpenter’s Prince of Darkness more than it does the first Exorcist film. And there are way way too many computerized effects. Those hyenas don’t look quite real and the scenes where the possessed person is crawling along the walls like a spider is anything but horrific. In fact, this movie isn’t scary at all, though it makes sure to have all those ‘horror’ elements we’ve already seen so many times in so many better movies.After the movie was finished and the credits started to roll I sat there feeling as if I had just watched a rerun. I much prefer the first version of this movie, which was directed by Paul Schrader (Cat People, Affliction). For whatever reasons the studio wasn’t happy with Schrader’s version-so they hired Renny Harlin, an action director, to completely shoot the movie over again! Well, it was obviously a mistake.

Expecting Mercy (2004)

I honestly didn’t know what to expect from this movie by the dvd artwork and was pleasantly surprised by the engaging story. Madelyne and Kurt check into a small Bed & Breakfast in Eden, Wisconsin. They are the only ones there and explain to the owners that they are on their honeymoon. In truth, they are on the run from the law with a suitcase filled with fifty-thousand dollars Little do they realize that they aren’t as safe as they think. The owner of the place has hidden cameras n each room and videotapes them having sex. And he manages to record some incriminating talk about where they money came from. The owner also wants to have sex with the blonde Madelyne in the worst way-and uses the information he has towards that goal. The wife, completely unlike her scheming husband, manages to befriend the young couple and helps them when things get completely out of hand. This is one of those thrillers where the characters get into deeper and deeper shit as the movie goes on, which is good since it kept me hooked until the twist ending. Expecting Mercy is a very well put together independent movie.

Experiment, The (2010)

Twenty-four men volunteer for a psychological experiment for which they’ll be paid $1,000 a day, for fourteen days. They are taken by bus to an isolated facility and some are chosen as “prisoners” and others as “guards”, based on their profiles. They are all assured that they’ll be constantly monitored and if anyone gets harmed that they’ll send the experiment. The main characters, Travis (Adrien Brody of King Kong, Wrecked, Predators, Splice) and Barris (Forest Whitaker, host of the most recent Twilight Zone series) are at odds with one another. Travis is a peaceful guy and says he’ll never hurt anyone. Barris is a repressed sad sack who still lives with his mother, though he’s in his forties. However, as things escalate and Barris begins to take his appointment as a guard as a power trip he singles Travis out and constantly punishes the guy in humiliating ways. While some of the other “guards” complain, they nevertheless follow the mentally unstable leader. Eventually it escalates into a full blown prison riot after one of the prisoners is killed.

This is one of those movies that makes you cringe in its depiction of “real life” horror.

The movie also features Cam Gigandet (Twilight) and Maggie Grace (Lost, The Fog remake). Highly recommended.

Eye, The (2002)

A young Chinese woman undergoes a corneal transplant to restore her vision after being blind since she was two. She regains her sight but she also gains the ability to see ghosts. This is because the donor of the corneas had that ability. With the help of her doctor she finds that the woman the corneas came from committed suicide because her warnings of a disaster were ignored by her villagers and many people died. And then, once everything seems resolved and the dead woman’s spirit is put to rest, something really horrible happens. The creepiness factor of this movie is way up there with The Sixth Sense, Kubrick’s The Shining and The Sentinel, making it one of the best horror movies of 2002.

Eye, The (2007)

The American remake is a watered down, if not drowned, version of the original Asian film, with Jessica Alba in the starring role. She’s a violinist who gets a corneal transplant and then starts getting visions (no pun intended) of ghosts. But are these things the previous owner saw or visions of things to come? I didn’t care much, one way or the other. The strangest thing is that the ending tries to make this a “feel good” movie, which sort of comes out of left field. Don’t even bother with this one unless you’re obsessed with Jessica Alba (well, re-watch Dark Angel instead).

Eye 2, The  (2005)

A young Asian woman named Joey Chow tries to kill herself with pills after her boyfriend breaks up with her. She does this in a hotel room and sees a room filled with people before she loses consciousness. Though she doesn’t realize it at the time these are the dead. They are these hazy, blurred forms. After she is released from the hospital she makes her way back to that hotel and sees that a group of Buddhists are performing some type of ritual. When she asks the desk manager what it’s for, he says it’s to get rid of the spirits that were drawn to the suicide attempt. She soon finds out that she is pregnant and isn’t sure if she wants to keep the child or not, though supernatural forces want her to keep it. The only connection this has to the first Eye movies is that it deals with ghosts, although it does so in a completely different way. The Eye 2 is an interesting movie and presents the concept of Reincarnation in a way I’ve never seen filmed before. Recommended. Directed by the Pang Brothers.

Eye of the Demon (1987)

A yuppie couple, Linda and Jerry, buy an old house on Devlin Island, which is about forty minutes away from Boston. But part of the deal is that they allow the original owner, an old lady, to live in the guest house. Linda keeps on seeing a strange old man in the attic window of the next door house and disturbing things happen, like the death of her dog and best friend (Woody Harrelson). Linda (Pamela Sue Martin) eventually discovers that the inhabitants of the island are really witches who sold their soul to the devil in 1722-and that they’re recruiting a new member, namely Jerry (Tim Matheson). As devil worshipper movies go this is just okay, rather predictable. This movie was originally released on television as Bay Coven.

Eye of the Devil (1967)

A vineyard owner (David Niven) named Philippe de Montfaucon must return to the family estate in France to deal with some unexpected business. He reluctantly takes along his wife (Deborah Kerr) and two children. They encounter some weird characters, such as Donald Pleasence as a creepy priest, Sharon Tate as Odile, a witch (great performance!), and David Hemmings as her brother Christian, who likes to shoot birds with his bow and arrow. The wife stumbles upon an ancient ritual involving a dozen robed figures-and it turns out that her husband is involved with this cult. Although the story is a bit uneven and Deborah Kerr is mostly irritating, the movie does have its creepy moments and is worth seeing for the cast alone. Directed by J. Lee Thompson (Battle for the Planet of the Apes, Happy Birthday to Me)

Eyes Are Upon you (1997)

This Pittsburgh-lensed, shot on Betacam movie features Tom Savini as a mafia thug and ‘Scream Queen’ Brinke Stevens as a succubus like creature that transforms from a naked woman to an inadequate monster that looks like an escapee from TV’s Beetle-Borgs. What starts off as a cliche’d crime drama concerning two men trying to come up with the money to pay off a ‘loan’ from the local Mafia boss, switches gears when it goes to a story about a peeping tom who’s spying on Brinke Stevens. The two stories eventually merge but in such a haphazard way and so unclimaticly that you don’t really care when primary characters get slaughtered. You’ll most likely be rubbing your eyes after you watch this one—but if you want to flush your money away, order from P.C.G Productions.

Eyes of Laura Mars, The (1978)

Faye Dunaway plays Laura Mars, a fashion photographer whose career has really taken off with the showing of her violence-oriented photos. A detective (Tommy Lee Jones) begins following her, thinking that she may somehow be linked to a chain of recent murders in NYC-murders which mimic her photographs. Laura Mars also has these visions of seeing events through the murderer’s eyes-and this killer targets people involved with those photo shoots. Crazy-looking Brad Dourif (The Hazing, Death and Cremation) has a role as her driver. I was surprised who the murderer turned out to be, but the end of the movie is constructed in such a way as you know who it is beforehand, simply by process of elimination (everyone else who could be the murderer has been killed by then). Still, an interesting psychic/serial killer movie from the 70’s. The story for this is by John Carpenter!

“F” Titles

Fades, The (2010)

This is an interesting six episode UK horror series with a very cool “mythology”. Ever since World War I the Ascension points—where spirits go to the other realm—have been closing, so there are only a few left. This means that the ghosts are stuck on the Earth. And as time goes by they become nastier and more resentful. Now, they are actually taking physical form by drinking blood and eating human flesh. These Fades develop these gross coccoons and come out of them, reborn. And they are immortal. People with special powers, called Angelics, have been dealing with the ghosts but these Fades are a new thing—and there’s a prophecy of the end of the world. Seventeen year old Paul discovers that he’s a powerful Angelic (he even develops Angel wings) and begins having these visions of the end of the world. Neil, an embittered Angelic tells him he has to abandon his normal life but Paul doesn’t want to go underground and fight these creatures. Paul also has a new girlfriend, Jay, and the father of his best friend is the town’s Detective, who is investigating all the vicious murders by the Fades. As things culminate and more former ghosts are reborn, the town is evacuated and it’s a showdown between these immortals and Paul.

This show is relentless and doesn’t waste any time with padding anything out. The writing is tight and everything that happens has a purpose to propel the story. It also has one of the best intro/title sequences I’ve seen, extremely creepy which sets the tone for the show. Hopefully this has been picked up for a second series, as it ends on an unexpected note. Highly recommended.

Fading of the Cries, The (2011)

The directorial debut of Brian Metcalf revolves around teenager Sarah, who doesn’t get along with her bitchy mother (Elaine Hendricks). Then, one day, zombies with black eyes begin appearing. Sarah and her friend are attacked and a guy named Jacob shows up to rescue her. It’s a good thing he has a big sword. The friend is not so fortunate. It turns out this evil plaguing the land is because of a magician named Mathias (Brad Dourif). He’s after a magical necklace that Sarah’s dead uncle had found in his old house. They flee across the countryside pursued by the possessed/zombie people. Sarah has to come to terms with her anger towards her mother and Jacob has to confront his past, when his parents were slaughtered. I wanted to like this movie but I didn’t. The acting and dialogue is too wooden and Brad Dourif seems like he’s portraying a caricature. The story just did not grab me.

Fairy Tales (2008)

In this British series, Four Fairy Tales are adapted into a modern setting. Each story is an hour long. Rapunzel comes off like an episode of Bosom Buddies, with a tennis player impersonating a woman in order to get close to his competitor, Bill Jane Brooke, who the media calls “Rapunzel” because of her long blonde hair. Cinderella is one of the better episodes and takes place in a University, where a young cleaning woman Cindy wants the research position for chauvinistic Professor Prince (James Nesbitt of the excellent Jeckyll, The Deep). The horror-themed episode (and the best one) is Billy Goat about a band who wants to get out of their contract with a troll, Grettongrat. The troll makeup is great. The lead singer of the band picks up an old book about troll behavior and thinks he can get the upper hand, though the old manager refuses to give an inch. So the singer’s sixteen-year-old daughter makes up a story that the troll molested her, in order to get the community outraged and make the troll relocate to a different town. Things get out of hand, however. The series is worth picking up for this episode alone. There aren’t nearly enough horror stories about Trolls!

Fallen Angels (2007)

As with writer/director Jeff Thomas’ first feature, 13 Seconds, the basis of this story has to do with religious ideals. A former preacher, now CSI investigator, is investigating old murders that occurred at an abandoned prison after a demolition uncovers a hidden room filled with skeletons. Dozens of remains are found, dating to murders and disappearances from a hundred and fifty years ago. And these murders are still happening, done by both a human vessel and an assortment of nasty looking demons that represent The Seven Deadly Sins. As he and the other investigators uncover what is happening he has to come to grips with is beliefs. David Hess is great as the demon Kajal and the ‘showdown’ between the ex-preacher and him, in the bowels of the old prison, is entertaining and makes for a good, thoughtful ending. I wished some of the actors had more screen time before they were killed off (Reggie Bannister went quickly!), and for the demons/monsters to be seen more, as I couldn’t get a sense of some of them.

Fallen Ones, The (2005)

Casper Van Dien (Starship Troopers, Tarzan and the City of Gold) is an archeologist who uncovers the body of a giant, forty-foot mummy deep in the Nevada desert. This is the body of one of the ancient giants, the cross between a fallen angel and a human (I guess it’s born normal size, then becomes giant as it ages-or else that would REALLY hurt). In a flashback we see one of these Fallen Angels, a sinister looking Middle-Eastern guy, having his son mummified. He speaks of a day when they will awaken, which would be our present day.The Fallen Angel’s followers still exist and raid the archeologist camp. The mummy disappears, as if it walked away, and is hidden deep in this series of tunnels beneath the desert. There’s also this stereotypical story of a woman archeologist being the re-incarnation of the Fallen Angel’s human wife-and, of course, the evil guy wants her back.The giant mummy effects are decent enough, though I thought is humorous every time the evil cult shows up wearing their purple outfits. I think the movie would be much better if it simply dealt with this reanimated giant mummy than this pseudo-biblical babble.

Falling Skies: Season One  (2011)

The premise of this television show, which is summarized by kid, is that aliens have invaded the earth a year before. They first disabled all of our technology and killed off ninety-percent of the human population. Now a group of three hundred people try to survive—and fight them—along the East Coast. The main character is Tom Mason (Noah Wyle), a former college professor, and his sons. One is a young adult and is one of the soldiers, the youngest is ten-years old and wants things to be how they used to be before the aliens came, and the third is being held captive. They want to rescue him—and actually see him—but he’s attached to this organic-looking contraption called a harness, which the spider-like aliens use to control them. Other characters are potential love interest Dr, Anne Glass (Moon Bloodgood of Terminator: Salvation) and group commander Captain Weaver (Will Patton of The Post Man portraying the usual asshole-character). The first two episodes are fast-paced, interesting and entertaining, though it adds nothing new to the alien invasion sub-genre. It borrow from everything that’s come before it, from War of the Worlds to Independence Day to The Tripods. The show itself has the same look/feel as The Walking Dead television series, with aliens replacing the zombies.

Fangoria’s Blood Drive  (2003)

This DVD features the winning horror shorts from a contest Fangoria magazine had a while back. The best one, The Hitch, is about a serial killer and the worst about a guy who makes a pet out of his sliced off finger. There’s even a zombie musical, though not great, is a unique twist on that sub-genre. It’s interesting but mostly forgettable.The DVD is ‘hosted’ by Rob Zombie (him on the menu list). He also introduces two interviews that are also included on the disc, an interview with Clive Barker and and interview with Stan Winston. Is it me or do these interviews really seem out of place on a DVD devoted to short independent horror movies? And what the hell happened to Clive Barker-he’s aged thirty years in the past decade and his voice is like Jack Klugman’s after the throat cancer. I had briefly met him a dozen years back at his art exhibition in NYC-and now wouldn’t have recognized him. And Stan Winston goes on about how he wanted to be an actor when he first moved to Hollywood... who cares. I would much rather have seen interviews with the individual filmmakers of the shorts.

Fangs (1997)

Although this  documentary on the past 100 years of vampires in the movies glosses over much of the history/legend of the creature in favor of showing trailers of the classic Hammer vampire movies, Director Bruce Hallenbeck and hostess Veronica Carlsen make it an extremely watchable hour that will make you want to rush to the video store and rent out some vampire movies.

Fangs (2002)

This is one of the better ‘animals on the rampage’ type of movie. It all starts when a college professor is killed by the hybrid bats he is breeding and the bats escape. These creatures not only drink blood but eat flesh. Soon, other people are being attacked. But it turns out that these people are being targeted. The bats are trained to respond to certain sounds—and when they hear a particular sonic call they kill. Tracey Nelson is very good in the part of the detective. This movie reminded me of The Flying Serpent and The Bat in that the animals are controlled by a human. Worth checking out.

Fantasies (1982)

A killer is practicing his craft on the actors in a soap opera, the reason being that the soap is far more real to him than his own life. At the climax of the movie, as actress

Suzanne Pleshette is chased down a beach, the camera widens out to reveal...the people shooting the movie—this movie! Just when the audience is getting caught up in the action they’re reminded that “it’s only a movie”. This self-reflexivity isn’t nearly as effective as it is annoying. At least it’s better than “it was only a dream...”

Fantastic Four (2005)

Fantastic Four  is an entertaining enough movie, though not as good as the two X-Men or Spiderman movies. Some aspects of their comic-book origins are slightly changed, such as Victor Von Doom being a part of their experiment in space and then physically transforming into a man made out of metal. When we first meet scientist Reed Richards and Ben Grim, they go to Von Doom to ask for money for an experiment. Working for Doom’s company is Susan and Johnny Storm. After they are all exposed to the mysterious radiation at the space station their powers soon become evident-and their powers have something to do with their personalities. Richards stretches himself too thin, Sue Storm (a miscast Jessica Alba) feels like she’s oftentimes invisible to Richards, Johnny is a ‘hothead’, et cetera. The interaction between the Human Torch and the Thing is amusing but the relationship between Reed and Sue is kind of boring and stereotypical. Von Doom is a simplistic villain-he feels like the ‘Fantastic Four’ have taken his limelight so he goes to destroy them. The last half-hour is the weakest part, with Ben deciding he’ll stay the ‘Thing’ after all, even though he has huge issues with being a walking rock, and the entire way in which Doom is defeated. Believe it or not I like the previous movie incarnation (unreleased) of The Fantastic Four much better because it’s more fun.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)

This is far better than the first FF movie, the interaction with the characters already established so there’s more concentration on the story and action. The Silver Surfer arrives to herald the coming of Galactus, a planet eating creature, that will consume the Earth in a week unless it’s somehow stopped. Of course, the key has to do with the Silver Surfer himself. Dr. Doom also makes an appearance and he wants the Surfer’s cosmic power for his own diabolical purposes. I still think the casting of Jessica Alba as Sue Storm is a big mistake, as she looks too weird with blue eyes and blonde hair. It doesn’t work on this half-Mexican woman. Anyways, the movie is one of the better 2007 Summer movies, when compared to Spiderman 3 and Pirates of the Caribbean 3, and is worth seeing for the Silver Surfer effects alone.

Fantastic Journey, The  (1977)

In the series pilot, The Vortex, Navy planes on maneuvers in 1945, off the Florida coast, disappear after their compasses go nuts. Then, it’s to the present day (1977). A group of scientists on a yacht encounter a weird green cloud and are sucked in. Also among them is Scott Jordan (Ike Eisenman of Escape to Witch Mountain) the teenaged son of one of the scientists. Another main character, Randy, is the only African American. The castaways find themselves shipwrecked on what they first believe is an island. When they climb up to the top of a ridge on the beach they see jungle and mountains sprawled out in the distance before them. The next day two of the people try to leave in a small motorboat that also washed up but they end up drowning. So the rest of them start hiking inland. They see flamingos, jaguars, a North American possum, elephants and giraffes. What they don’t know is that a native has been watching them. He makes his first appearance one day to heal the broken arm of the ship’s old captain by waving an instrument to it. It totally heals the guy’s arm. Then, when it begins storming again he leads them all to the shelter of a cave. Within are the ancient mummified remains and drawings on the walls. Later, he leaves and lets the kid follow him to his ship, where he reveals that he’s really from the 23rd Century. His name is Varien (Jared Martin of The War of the Worlds series). The kid’s father and part of the group go in search of him and also find this out. Meanwhile, the other three members are captured in nets by guys on horseback. These are pirates. In the second episode they also encounter a city called Atlanteum, which existed 30,000 years ago. Scott, Randy and Varien are told by Atlantean Dar-el (Gary Collins) that Scott’s father and the others went back to their own time via a gateway. Now, they want to go back. However, “The Source”, which rules the city, wants them for another purpose. The Source is this huge brain in a glass container. Yes, a brain in a huge jar. It creates a duplicate of Scott but the others catch on and rescue him as it tries to drain his life energy. They defeat the brain but not before it sucks the juice out of the evil Atlanteans who imprisoned them. They take off and area joined by Liana, who had helped them escape. She’s half Atlantean and half alien. She not only has psychic powers but can communicate wit her pet cat.

In the third episode, Beyond the Mountain, they encounter a man named Willoway (Roddy McDowell of Planet of the Apes) who controls an entire village of human looking androids who do his bidding. At first he welcomes the visitors but has a desire for Liana who he wants to marry. But Liana has fallen for Willoway’s “son”, who she doesn’t realize is a robot. He also tries to get rid of the three guys, who end up in a strange swamp inhabited by green humanoid aliens. They turn out to be the creators of the androids and Willoway, who is from Earth’s 1950’s, somehow stole these creations away from them. All is set right in the end and Willoway is ousted from the town. In fact, he ends up joining the group on their quest to make it back to their own time period.

Then, they appear in a zone where there’s an active volcano. Varien falls in love with a young woman and wants to marry her and stay there while the others continue on in search of their own time periods. But she learns he’s to be sacrificed to the Volcano God and chooses to jump into the fiery hole instead. So he continues the journey with the group. In Funhouse they come to an old amusement park run by a guy named Apollonius, an ancient magician who is cursed along with a few other inhabitants. Apollonius wants to possess Willoway’s body because his true appearance is hideous—he’s all covered in fur. In the next episode Liana is captured by a group of men. When the others encounter them they say they hadn’t seen her. It’s clear that this society treats women as slaves—until the Queen (Joan Collins) stages a revolt and turns things around. Now, she wishes to keep Valerien as her consort and use Fred and Willoway as breeding stock for their new community. In Riddles Liana stays behind in a previous soon. The first thing the others encounter is a rider dressed like a Mongol. He tells them they need to get a stone from a guy named Kendron. They come across a house where Kendron lives with his wife. They are aliens (again with the aliens!) who came from a crowded planet. Yet they are hiding a secret. Scott sees Kendron as an old man and at dinner Willoway runs into an older version of the Butler. Then, they find a weird cavern that looks like it’s covered in aluminum foil. In the next story two people crashland in a shuttle. But the group doesn’t realize that these two are really prisoners. And they encounter yet another bunch of human looking aliens. It’s a father, sister and brother who are able to manipulate matter with their minds. A hot Cheryl Ladd portrays Natica, the alien girl. While I really enjoyed the pilot and the first few episodes, way too many of the subsequent ones dealt with aliens when they really should have had more human people/places stuck out of time. After all, this is about the Bermuda Triangle, not Area 51.

Far Cry (2009)

A group of military guys are on maneuvers in a forest. Or so they think. They are very quickly and methodically dispatched by something that seems like an animal. We never see what it is since much of it is through its eyes/point-of-view. The scene ends with a soldier’s head pushed halfway through a metal fence. Then it cuts to a scientist (Udo Kier) who is delighted that this test went so well. He was testing a new biological weapon. Yet when he shows this “creature” to his funder, who has been dumping millions into the project, what we see is a freaky looking white skinned soldier with black eyes. He’s asked to shoot it, which he does, and the bullets bounce right off its skin. Then it manages to break out of its chains and goes on a rampage before it’s drugged into unconsciousness. A newspaper woman, Valerie Cardinal (Emmanuelle Vaugier), gets a tip from her Uncle Max (Ralf Moeller of Conan: The Series) about what is going on so she goes there to investigate. In the meantime, they catch the Uncle sending the message and so use him in the next experiment, which will turn him into a mindless killing machine. Valerie charters a boat from a retired special forces guy, Jack Carver (Til Schwiger of Inglourious Basterds), who once served under her uncle. She convinces him to take her to the island, though things go wrong. They immediately capture her and blow up his boat, but not before he manages to dive into the water. He swims ashore and rescues her and there’s a chase, after which they narrowly escape.

I don’t know how this movie compares to the video game upon which it is based, but as an action movie FAR CRY is fun and entertaining. It doesn’t take itself too seriously, there’s good chemistry between Schweiger and Vaugier, and there’s no stupid CGI monsters, which I expected from the box synopsis (“genetically engineered beasts”). It’s also interesting that both the hero and the villain are German. This is my favorite Uwe Boll movie since In the Name of the King.

Farscape: Season One (1999)

John Crichton is an astronaut whose shuttle goes through a black hole and ends up on the other side of the Galaxy, to eventually finds himself living on a biomechanical ship containing some strange-looking aliens (courtesy of The Henson Shop). There’s a good chemistry between Crichton and the human-looking female Arin. One of the other aliens is Klingon-like and another one is basically a humanoid planet. I was never a fan of this show when it first aired on the Sci-Fi Channel-and I’ve avoided re-runs since then, primarily because it seemed like too many other shows at the time. But I must say I was surprised how much I enjoyed this first season on dvd.

Farscape: Season Two (2000)

Season two is better than the first, with a primary new villain in the form of Scorpius, who is half humanoid/half Scarran, which makes him look like Nosferatu. He is one creepy looking bad guy. The Scarrans themselves look like the monster from Rawhead Rex.

The series is about John Crichton (Ben Browder), a human astronaut whose experimental ship was sucked into a wormhole and transported thousands of galaxies away. He’s picked up by a living ship, Moya, which is run by a group of escaped prisoners. They include Ka D’Argo, a Luxan warrior, who is falsely wanted for killing his Sebacean wife. He wants to find and reunite with his half-breed son, Jothee, who he hasn’t seen in ten years. Then there’s Chiana, the carefree, overly sexed Nebari woman, who starts a relationship with D’argo. Rygel is a dethroned Hynerian Dominar, former leader of billions on his planet, an outcast since his cousin took over the throne over a hundred and fifty years before. He’s small and amphibious, eats and farts a lot. The funniest thing is that he farts helium gas so everyone’s voices tend to become high-pitched if he fart when they are in close quarters. Zhaan (Virginia Hey, the babe from The Road Warrior) is an 800 year old Delvian princess. She wanted for murdering another Delvian priest. She’s bald, blue and also a plant. Moya is the living ship, in part controlled by Pilot, a separate alien who is physically, symbiotically joined with the ship. The other crew members are Stark, a member of the Banik slave race who has a unique power and Aeryn Sun (Claudia Black), a human-looking Sebacean and love-interest for Crichton.

The first season ended with the living ship Moya giving birth to Talyn and former Peacekeeper Crais wants to control the new ship, which has been engineered to be a violent warship, something the living ships were never meant to be. Crichton, the human who was thrust to this distant galaxy, still wants to get home to Earth. And there are some weird stories with the Luxan warrior D’argo and a really weird one with the grey-skinned Chiana who flees to a graveyard planet to mourn the death of her brother, Neri, who she believes is dead. One of the best episodes, “The Way We Weren’t” is a flashback episode which reveals how the ships pilot came to be placed in Moya and that Aeryn Sun was aboard the ship to witness it, something she’s kept quite about for good reason. Other good episodes are “My Three Crichtons”, in which he’s divided into three separate beings—himself, a caveman version and a big-headed future version with Max Headroom teeth. “Look at the Princess”, a three part story, suggests that humans and Sebaceans are somehow related. “The Locket” is the time-travel story, in which Aeryn goes to check out a planet and comes back a hundred and sixty years older. Crichton follows her back and they end up growing older together, though it’s mostly erased when they figure out how to prevent the events from happening.

All through the season Crichton is getting a bit crazier and it has to do with Scorpius’ torturing him the first season and implanting a chip in his brain. This allows Scorpius to keep track of him and also creates a version that Crichton keeps on seeing his mind. In the last episode of the season the crew heads to the home of a famous surgeon to have this neural chip removed but Scorpius is ahead of the game and takes over Crichton, who takes a ship and flies away. Aeryn follows, there’s a brief fight, and she plunges into a frozen lake on the planet’s surface and is killed. What a season finale!

Farscape: Season Three (2001)

This is by far the best season yet. The story picks up right where season two left off, with Aeryn dead and frozen at the medical facility where Crichton is having Scorpius’ neural implant removed.. The surgery works, though he still has a psychic “clone” of Scorpius in his mind, who he starts calling Harvey, a reference to the Jimmy Steward movie about the giant imaginary rabbit. The back and forth conversations between the two are very entertaining. Aeryn is brought back to life by Zhaan, who sacrifices her own life in doing so. Stark, who is in love with the Delvian, is heart-broken.

They also do something to one of the characters I don’t think has ever been done before or since— they have the main character, John Crichton, doubled. There are two of him. A mad scientist in one of the episodes split him in half so there are two of him, identical in every way. Then, they split up and have their own adventures. One of them goes with Aeryn Sun, Stark and Rygel with Crais on Talyn, the young living warship. The other Crichton stays on Moya where he has lots of bonding and fighting with D’argo.

Two new characters are introduced. Jool is orange skinned and orange haired and can produce a sound that melts metal. She is of a species that may be related to humans. Noranti is a three hundred year old, three eyed witch.

Aeryn and her Crichton become very close and develop a relationship, which ends when he dies from radiation poisoning after blowing up a Scarran warship in order to prevent them from using the wormhole technology. Aeryn is devastated. When she goes back to Moya with the others she can barely look at the other Crichton. Scorpius has almost managed to crack the wormhole technology he stole from Crichton’s mind and wants to use it as a weapon to destroy the Scarrans. Crais, who was the villain after Crichton in the first season, does something surprising and sacrifices himself and Talyn to save the others.

The season ends with the crew disbanding and Aeryn going off on her own. Crichton is out in his shuttle when Moya is sucked into a wormhole, leaving him alone, with little fuel, in the middle of space.

Farscape: Season Four (2002)

The season picks up six months later. Crichton has found another Leviathan that was in the wormhole. It’s ancient, calcified looking and it went there to die. Crichton is trying to make the wormhole calculations and is a bit crazy, his only companion a service robot he calls 1812, which he treats like a dog. There he meets Sikozu, a female alien who is fleeing from her former employers. They follow her and try to hunt her down. Crichton keeps on referring to them as Klingons as that’s what they look like.

When Crichton reunites with Chiana and Rygel—and when they find Moya they also find Scorpius and Aeryn, who is suffering from an illness. She makes Crichton promise not to harm Scorpius because he’s the one who saved her life and brought her to Moya. They find D’Argo and Jool on a planet where there’s an archeological dig to uncover the civilization of the Idolans, aliens who were the galaxy’s peacemakers.

John does get to Earth, first in the 1980’s where he encounters himself as a teenager, then to the present, where they are all kept under close scrutiny by the US government. However, John finds that he isn’t adapting well and goes back into space, forced to close the wormhole so that the Scarrans can’t take over the Earth. Scorpius and Sikozu start developing a relationship. Aeryn is kidnapped by the Scarrans and they want to find out if the child she is carrying is Crichton’s. If it is they can get the wormhole secrets from the fetus. Moya’s crew has to rescue Aeryn and in doing so find out the secret of the Scarrans—they get their intelligence from a flower they ingest.

The last episode has Moya recovering from her wounds on a water planet and Aeryn reveals to Crichton that the child is his. He proposes marriage to her but then an alien ship swoops down and turns them into crystal pellets.

Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars (2004)

Crichton and Aeryn are brought back to life by the descendants of the Idolans.

The small, amphibious Rygel managed to recover all of the crystals they were disintegrated to off the ocean floor. However, when a scan is done of Aeryn it shows she’s not pregnant. One of the crystals is still in Rygel and so, in a weird twist, he

has to carry Aeryn’s baby until almost full-term, until it’s transported into her womb. Sebaceans have very short pregnancies so Crichton will be a father very very soon.

D’Argo and Chiana are back together as are Scorpius and a leather-clad Sikozu. Through the first half of the movie it kept on bugging me who Sikozu reminded me of, now withshort, spiky red hair, weird eyebrows—and it wasn’t until she made some flames that it kicked it— they made her look just like the Heat Miser from the Rankin-Bass animated movie! She’s the Heat Miser!

A war is brewing between the Sebaceans and the Scarrans, who both want the wormhole technology from Crichton to make a weapon. So Crichton makes it into a weapon to show them—and it is gigantic and eats up an entire planet. Both sides are frightened into agreeing on peace. Aeryn’s baby is born and all seems right with the galaxy. There are some continuity problems, such as with the Noranti character. Only one of the scenes is shot with the actress who portrayed her in seasons three and four, the other few scenes is a different actress in similar makeup—and she’s kept mostly in shadow. Did the actress die in the middle of the production? Sikozu is revealed to be a Scarran spy and Scorpius deals with her appropriately. To up the stakes, Jool and D’argo are killed off, which is a bummer.

One of the more interesting things presented here is that the Idolans are responsible for creating the Sebacean species thousands of years before, when they visited Earth and took a group of human and brought them back to their distant galaxy, where they genetically modified them. However, after the Idolans disappeared the Peacekeepers lost their way. This three-hour movie tied up everything left hanging from Season Four, though it’s not as good as the last two Seasons of the show. Crichton’s adventures were continued, in comic form, from Boom! Comics....

Fatal Conflict: Bird Flu in America (2006)

Despite the “sensational” nature of this recent made-for-television movie (and probably making Americans more afraid of everything than they already are), it’s a decent flick, sort of like The Stand without the supernatural elements. In China, the bird flu strain mutates and becomes communicable with people. An American business guy brings the flu back and unwittingly infects dozens of other people. Joely Richardson (Event Horizon), who works for the Center for Disease Control, warns the authorities that things will get pretty bad, particularly since the virus has a 40% fatality. The story follows several groups of people-the Governor of Virginia, the wife and kids of the first flu victim, and a nurse and her husband, who learn to cope with the disaster. As with a lot of these recent disaster movies (CATEGORY 8, 10.5, et cetera), the movie is open-ended, so I’m sure there will be a sequel soon.

Fatal Flying Guillotines (1977)

In order to cure his dying mother of her disease a young fighter named Sun needs to obtain the cure from a rare book guarded by Shaolin monks. He completes three different contests and is allowed to borrow the book-but it doesn’t cure his mother-it kills her. Angry, he goes back and confronts them. It turns out that one of the monks was evil and substituted a fake for the real one. There’s also a story about an old master who has perfected the ‘Flying Guillotine’ weapon and kills anyone who comes his way. He lives in a hidden valley, like a hermit, because its healing vapors keep him alive, from his bad heart. An evil prince wants to hire him to teach the flying guillotine to his soldiers-and the only way the prince can ‘convince’ him is to offer him that rare book the monks had. You see, that evil monk was hired by the evil prince to take the book and replace it with a forgery. Eventually the two stories converge-and Sun and the old master fight to the death. Little does either realize, however, that they are father and son. Although not quite as violent as the other Flying Guillotine movie I’ve seen there’s plenty of decapitations, fighting and death to go around.

Fate (2004)

This is another serial-killer movie, distinguished not by the plot but by featuring lead actors who once were in hit television series. Michael Pare (Greatest American Hero) is a detective trying to track down the killer. Philip Michael Thomas (Miami Vice) is his new partner, who Pare has a shaky past with. And the serial killer is none other than Lee Majors (The Six-Million Dollar Man). As far s I know this is the first time all these guys have been in a movie together.The serial killer keeps one step ahead of the police because he works as a janitor in the police department, and is able to overhear what they are saying. He kidnaps his victims, mostly women, and then kills and displays them with a bible quote. He thinks that he is doing the world a favor by killing people who he thinks turned rotten (a prostitute, a lesbian, et cetera). There’s also a twist to the story in that the serial killer has a very direct connection to one of the detectives.The film moves quickly, the actors are good, the direction solid. You won’t see anything that you haven’t seen before but it’s an entertaining hour and a half. Directed by Ace Cruz.

Fear Itself (2002)

A group of mean-spirited high school students take a prank too far and accidently kill someone by burying them alive in the nearby woods. Their guilt starts to eat away at them-and soon they begin thinking that the ghost of the dead guy is haunting them. Then, members of the group start dying. Is it revenge or is it simply karma evening things out? Overall, this independent movie comes off like I Know What You Did Last Summer crossed with an After School Special. The acting is somewhat uneven and parts miscast but actress Sarah McElligot as Taylor really stands out as someone to keep an eye on.

Fear Itself (2008)

This is supposedly Showtime’s Masters of Horror, renamed and now on NBC. What it has much more in common with is the most recent incarnation of The Twilight Zone (the one hosted by Forest Whitaker), with all-too familiar, predictable stories.

The first one, inspired by From Dusk Til Dawn, has a group of bank robbers taking refuge at an old Fort where a group of sisters are feeding a vampire so he won’t go out into the world. The vampire is cool looking, sort of like Max Shreck’s Nosferatu. The second story has Eric Roberts as an ex-policeman now security guy whose bad deeds catch up to him in an old, haunted house. And the third has a good family guy (Colin Ferguson of Eureka) switching bodies with a ruthless serial killer. Will he be able to return to his own body before the killer slays his family? Of course, we already know the ending. The worst episode (directed by John Landis), concerns a woman who gets a mysterious note from an anonymous woman on her wedding day, which states that “The person you are marrying is a serial killer”. But was the note intended for HER?

Fear Itself is nothing to get excited about.

Fear of the Dark (2004)

Although it’s a lower budget I’d have to say that this movie is creepier than the similarly themed Darkness Falls. The story concerns a twelve-year-old boy (Jesse James) who is absolutely terrified of the dark. When his parents have to go out to a dinner party for the first time in months, they are reluctant to leave him with his sixteen-year-old brother, in case something might happen. Of course, there is a thunderstorm that night and the house loses electricity. This is when the shadows start to take shape and the darkness comes alive. The kid keeps on telling his brother that the dark is alive-and about midway through the movie he starts believing him. The older brother’s girlfriend also shows up and experiences some of her fears. The monsters are creepy, sort of a cross between a zombie and Freddy Krueger. It’s a movie definitely worth renting out.

Fear X (2003)

I really have no idea what this movie is about...it’s more vague than a David Lynch movie-and without the quirky entertainment value. John Turturro (Barton Fink, Transformers) portrays a man who is obsessed with finding the man responsible for his wife’s murder. He watches endless hours of surveillance tapes in hopes of finding the man. He is also having waking dreams in which he sees his dead wife, as if she were alive. The investigation-prompted by what is presumably a dream-leads him to a town in Montana, where he and his wife had vacationed. And the killer is indeed there, though it’s not who you would expect or why the murder happened to begin with...I think. To say this is an unsatisfying movie is an understatement.

Feast (2006)

Feast manages to be entertaining despite the (now) stereotypical “Night of the Living Dead” scenario. A group of people in a desert bar are attacked by a group of monsters that want to eat them. However, the characters’ order of death isn’t quite as expected, quickly evident when the kid is among the first to get devoured. The special effects by Gary Tunnicliff (Dracula 2000 & sequels) are extremely gory and effective, the editing is lightning paced and the dialogue hilarious. It’s a hoot to see Henry Rollings cast as a “Motivational Speaker” character who simply can’t shut-up. Comparable movies are Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight and From Dusk Til Dawn.

Feast II: Sloppy Seconds (2008)

This continues from the ending of the first movie, with the twin of the motorcycle woman, Biker Queen (Diane Goldner) appearing and discovering survivor, Bartender (Clu Gulager of Return of the Living Dead). She wants to know who is responsible for the death of her sister and he tells her that it was Bozo (Balthazar Getty). She then drags him to the nearest town to find him. He’s long gone but the monsters have already arrived and killed off most of the townsfolk. And these are some nasty monsters.

There’s an interesting and hilarious assortment of characters, from a used car salesman and his cheating wife, who fervently believes in The Secret, to two dwarf Mexican wrestlers and their grandmother. The movie doesn’t hold back and no one is safe, not even children and old ladies. In fact, this has one of the most disgusting scenes I’ve seen in the past ten years, when they decide to find out what makes these monsters “tick” and begin to autopsy a dead one. About every bodily fluid imaginable spews out of this thing. Aggggh. The movie is also damn funny. Of course, it is entirely open-ended for part 3, which is coming (no pun intending) soon.

Feast III: The Happy Finish (2009)

Yes, this is a sarcastic title. It continues the story line in part 2, with the gory death of the bald dwarf fired out of the canon and the death of “Honey Pie”. The other characters hole up in the jail, thinking they’ll be safe behind the bars. A new character show up, who is clearly the “hero to the rescue”, though he meets his end quickly and unexpectedly. Some truly awful stuff happens to the used car salesman and that one guy who has the pipe through his head is still alive throughout the movie, though he needs subtitles so you can understand what he’s saying.

The ending left me a little puzzled, as it’s totally out of left field and has absolutely nothing to do with the other two movies. This aside, the movie is hilarious and entertaining, to say the least.

Feed (2006)

Director Brett Leonard’s Feed is a tough movie to watch. It makes you squirm but that’s the point of the film, to push boundaries in order to demonstrate that what is considered “normal” to one person may be utterly insane to another.

An Australian detective, who looks remarkably like the late Oliver Reed, goes to Ohio to expose the source of a potentially fatal web-site that caters to men who like their women HUGE. In fact, they may be being fed to death. The movie goes back and forth from his unhappy life and investigation to that of the man who is running the web-site, who appears to be utterly normal. He is indeed keeping a woman “captive”, as he continually feeds her so that she’s so huge she can’t leave the bed. In a flashback we get a glimpse of the one of the reasons he does what he does-we see that his mother was like gigantic as well and he ultimately hated his mother. The make-up effects are convincing and the movie is shot in such a way as it’s almost a docu-drama. Highly recommended be be warned you’re in for a ride.

Feeders 2 (1998)

Not so much a sequel to the first movie as it is a separate story, existing in the same universe. Here, a typical American Family, led by Mark Polonia, is harassed by the diminutive aliens on Christmas Eve and must survive the night.. This time around the aliens are a bit more ferocious looking, with bulbous heads and some nasty teeth. Several other townspeople are killed, including PB regular Bob Dennis, who plays a warehouse worker. Ultimately, the family is saved by Santa Claus, who shows up with a raygun that destroys them. Extremely surreal.

Feeding the Masses (2005)

I don’t know about you but I’m getting tired of all these low-budget zombie movies coming out this past year-and Feeding the Masses is one of them. The title refers to the zombies and also to a television station, which is continuing to run its mundane programming, as if the plague of zombies outside its doors isn’t happening. I guess the ‘biting social commentary’ as stated on the DVD box is that people would rather watch television and be told what to think-which is no news and no surprise in a Nation comprised primarily of sheeple.The most interesting character is ‘Torch’, a jaded cameraman who wants to videotape his equivalent of the Hindenburg going down in flames. There’s also a soldier, in charge of guarding the camera crew, who has fallen for the female anchor, a stereotypical blonde bimbo. On his personal time, he rents out a booth to watch a stripper-and as she’s undressing the management lets in a zombie, which tears her apart. This is killing is what ultimately gets the soldier off. The zombies’ appearance suck-either some gray greasepaint or just a lot of blood and latex splattered on the person. The gunfire from the machine guns as well as anything that explodes is done with computer effects and definitely looks like it. Feeding the Masses is not funny enough to be called a spoof, like Shaun of the Dead, and not scary enough to be called a horror movie, so it falls somewhere in between. There are some good scenes in the movie but as you watch it you feel as if you’re watching a rerun, which Feeding the Masses basically is.

Feeding, The (2006)

This is a very straightforward werewolf movie. Because of a rapid decline in the animal population, two Park Rangers (one of them named Jack Driscoll!) are sent in to investigate-and perhaps kill the predator responsible for this decimation. What they encounter, though, is a Howling type werewolf that can transform in the daylight as well as during the full-moon. The werewolf, for the most part, looks decent, particularly with the side-shots of it running through the forest. But when the camera lingers on it-and it’s face stays in the exact same position-it loses some of its effect. Nevertheless, The Feeding is a decent werewolf flick.

Femme Fatale (2003)

Brian DePalma’s newest is surprisingly entertaining movie, which has a plot device he previously used in Body Double. It’s an erotic crime thriller with a time-travel twist.The main story revolves around a woman thief (Rebecca Romjin Stamos of X-Men) who steals over a million dollars in diamonds from her associates in France. They find her-and she has to make a run for it. She’s chased and falls over the balcony of a building, only to be saved by an old couple who believe her to be their daughter. She wakes up in their apartment and sees their family pictures. Through a strange twist of fate she’s the doppelganger of their daughter, who had just lost her husband and child in an accident. When the old couple leaves the real daughter comes home and shoots herself in the head. The woman takes her identity and the plane ticket she bought to America. On the plane she meets a rich man and they hit it off. The movie then skips to seven years later. It turns out she had married that man and he’s returned to France as the U.S. Ambassador. A photographer (Antonio Banderas) takes her picture for a cheesy newspaper and her face is plastered all over the city. Her old associates recognize her, find out where she is and she has to make another run for it. She ends up involving the photographer in her scheme, who is in for a wild ride. Things don’t end very well.But then something totally unexpected happens. At a certain point in the film she’s able to undo some of her mistakes and change the future of herself and the people she’s encountered. She can more or less redeem herself and make things right.I liked the movie because of this totally weird turn of events-and it actually works well this time DePalma uses it.

Ferocious Planet (2011)

Two scientists, working at the National Sciences Building in Washington D.C., discover a way to peer into the thousands of other dimensions. Some are very alien, some very similar to our own planet. When they are demonstrating their invention to a group of military people something goes awry—and they are all physically transported to a primitive world. Basically, it looks like Earth except there are a few more moons—and it’s inhabited by creatures that look like a cross between dinosaurs and the vampires from Blade II. One such monster keeps on attacking the building they’ve been transported in. Of course, the group of people divide into factions, there are some weasely characters that get their comeuppance. One woman is convinced there’s intelligent like on the planet when she sees a constructed tower—but after she braves the woods she’s sorely—and fatally—disappointed. I found this somewhat similar to the TV series Sliders, though a bit more intense.

Ferryman, The (2007)

Two couples charter a yacht trip from New Zealand to Fiji. One couple is from New Zealand, the other from America. The boat is run by ‘Big Dave’ and his wife, who also have a dog. The trip is going well until they encounter an unseasonal fog bank and respond to an S.O.S. They find the drifting boat and the lone survivor, ‘The Greek’ (John Rhys-Davis), who explains that a storm came up and washed everyone overboard. In truth, he killed them all. He’s thousands of years old and has been trying to outrun ‘The Ferryman’, that guy from Greek mythology who Ferries your soul to the afterlife. How he escapes is that, with the help of a strange little dagger, he can swap bodies. But the body he now finds himself in is riddled with cancer - and so he has a new boatload of people to choose from. This is a solid, entertaining horror movie, with a good story, interesting characters and enough gore to do the job. The Ferryman is one of the better horror movies of 2007.

Fetching Cody (2005)

When his girlfriend falls into a coma and is taken to the hospital, her boyfriend Art doesn’t know what to do. He had shown up at her apartment that night and she was already unconscious, with a heroin needle next to her. But she’s in a coma for being ill from living on the streets so many years. Since he’s basically homeless he crashes at his friend Harvey’s (Jim Byrnes) place. Harvey is a collector and one of the thing he recently collected is an old armchair that’s covered in Christmas lights. Art sits down on this and remembers Harvey told him this is a time machine. It actually is.

So Art goes back in time, multiple times, to try to change Cody’s past so she doesn’t lapse in to that fatal coma. He goes back to pivotal times she had mentioned, like “when her brother screwed her up that Summer”, which was when he committed suicide by blowing his brains out. It’s both a funny and gruesome scene. He even goes back to a Christmas when she was in high school and sabotages her then boyfriend because he’s jealous of him. When Art realizes that Cody’s illness is basically his fault to begin with he has to do something drastic. If you look at the listing for this movie on Imdb.com it’s listed as a Romantic Comedy, but it’s not. It’s a drama with sci-fi overtones and darkly comic moments. It is also a very good time-travel movie.

Fever (1998)

This Alex Winter movie is extremely different than his hyper-kinetic Freaked. Henry Thomas (ET) is a starving artist living in a dumpy apartment building in New York City. He doesn’t like his art teaching job and is at odds with his rich family because he holds his father responsible for his mother’s overdose suicide. One day he witnesses a verbal fight between the landlord and a drunk he’s evicting from an apartment. Later, the landlord is stabbed to death and the police hunt down the obvious culprit. But there’s a strange new tenant that lives in an upstairs apartment who may be responsible. Thomas starts getting a fever and as the movie progresses we’re not sure if events are really happening or if he’s hallucinating. Fever reminded me of Polanksi’s The Tenant and succeeds as being a creepy, downbeat mystery about a killer.

Fido (2007)

Just when you think this sub-genre of horror movie is dead, along comes one of the most original zombie movies ever made. The film takes place in an alternate 1950’s, in which the survivors of the zombie wars live in small, fenced in towns, pretending life is normal. Although the zombies are flesh-eaters a company called Zomcon has created these collars which render them harmless and enable people to have them as servants. As long as they are wearing the collar and the light on it is red the zombies are safe. The Robinson family finally gets a zombie, which the boy names Fido, and things soon fall apart. The husband (Dylan Baker) is afraid of the creature, as it’s revealed he had to kill his father, who turned into a zombie, when he was a kid and he takes out his frustration on it by pressing the pain button the collar control. The wife (Carrie Anne Moss of The Matrix movies) starts liking Fido better than she does her husband and the boy treats him as his best friend. In fact, the several times that Fido’s collar malfunctions and he becomes a rampaging killer, he does not harm the child. A lot of the credit has to be given to the performance of actor Billy Connolly as Fido, who doesn’t talk in the entire film, as well as Dylan Baker and Carrie Anne Moss. The film is billed as a comedy, but the humor comes from the incongruity of the premise.

Final Cut  (1993)

Lance, a young man who wants to experience the adventure of hitchhiking across the country, meets up with an overweight, middle-aged man named Buck, who gives him a ride and a place to stay. Buck reveals that he’s an independent filmmaker looking for the lead in his next movie and convinces Lance to do a screen test. He takes him to his home in New Orleans where he reveals his diabolical scheme-and knocks Lance unconscious before he can escape. When he awakens he finds himself handcuffed down in the basement, staring at a camera and a leather clad Buck, who intends to videotape his impending torture. This is an extremely dark little movie, similar to the recent Snuff Film.

Final Cut, The (2005)

Robin Williams portrays Hakman, a ‘cutter’ whose job is to edit together the life moments of people. Through a biological implantation device, installed in the brain before a child is even born, everything is recorded until their deaths. Then, all this life footage is taken to a cutter where it’s edited into an hour and a half ‘Rememory’ for that person’s family. Complications arise when he discovers that he has an implanted device, something that a Cutter absolutely cannot have. Because his parents died when he was young they never had a chance to tell him about it (people are usually told when they are 21) Yet this enables him to set to rest a childhood memory he has, a memory which has literally shaped his life to what it is.As this is happening, there is a political organization which opposes ‘Rememories’ that wants footage from the job Hakman is now working on. It belongs to one of the businessmen of that company and it could cause a scandal because he was sexually abusing his daughter. Hakman won’t give them the footage, which is a moot point when it’s all destroyed after a girlfriend (Mira Sorvino) wrecks his editing console. So now the only way they can get it is through Hakman’s stored footage-but in order to access his Rememories they’ll have to kill him. The Final Cut is an intriguing, thought-provoking sci-fi movie that’s entirely too plausible.

Final Destination 2 (2002)

A rollercoaster of a sequel, pretty much re-treading the story from the first. The effects, particularly this huge car crash at the beginning, are truly amazing and there’s some of the most gruesome ways of being killed I’ve ever seen in a movie. Definitely not for the squeamish. If you want to get your heart pounding then you should rent this out.

Final Destination 3 (2006)

I would say this third installment, loosely tied to the previous two movies, is as good. Just before she is about to go on a rollercoaster at a local amusement park, Wendy (Mary Elizabeth Winstead—Sophia of Wolf Lake) has a vision of a horrible accident on the ride in which she and her friends die. She freaks out and is able to leave the ride, though her boyfriend, stuck in one of the cars, does perish. She soon hooks up with Kevin (Ryan Merriman of Veritas: The Quest), who lost his girlfriend in the same accident. She confides in him about her vision-and that these digital photographs she took right before the fateful ride give a clue as to how death will claim them. They try to warn the people, which include her sister, but death plays out in a grisly fashion. The two leads portray likable characters and the computerized gore special effects are appropriately brutal.

Final Destination, THe (2009)

This fourth Final Destination movie has everything you’ve come to expect in the franchise. A group of friends are at the local race car track and one of them has a premonition that there’s a horrible crash, which goes into the crowd and kills over fifty people. He’s able to get his girlfriend and two friends out, along with a security guard, a redneck, an automotive guy and a woman who has two kids. Then these people begin to die in horrible ways, in the order in which they died in his premonition. He thinks that if he can prevent a death then this would break the chain and they’d all live happily ever after. Of course, that doesn’t happen. I found myself cringing in anticipation a few times.

A few of the deaths even surprised me. This is one of  the best uses of 3-D I’ve yet seen in a horror movie, with all the various deadly projectiles. They also do this x-ray type effect that shows the people’s skeletons and what happens to them in the accidents. It’s actually more effective than showing a makeup effect. Highly recommended.

Final Destination 5 (2011)

The fatal event, this time, is a suspension bridge falling apart and people plummeting to their deaths. The victims, er, protagonists are a group of office workers. One of them has a vision of the bridge snapping so when he awakens tells them all to get off the bus they’re traveling in. His precognition saves seven of them, including his girlfriend. Then, the rest of the movie is them dying one by one in horrible ways. There are some new additions that while I understand, didn’t quite gel for me. One is having Tony Todd (Candy Man, Hatchet 2) as an ambulance driver who is aware that “There’s no cheating death”, for a possible recurring character (or TV series?) and a twist that death may be able to be cheated if a substitute victim is offered. Five is the least of the series.

Final Examination (2004)

From the box art the impression given is that this is a horror movie about a serial killer when it’s actually more of an cop/action movie that happens to have serial killer(s) in it.An overly enthusiastic LA detective is transferred out to one of the Hawaiian islands where he works with Keri Wuhrer (The Hitcher 2, Sliders), who doesn’t seem like a copy whatsoever. When one of the members of a college reunion is found strangled to death in her hot tub they start investigating. One by one the other members of the sorority are killed. But why? They think it might have to do with the suicide of a girl from six years before-and they interview the middle-aged college professor she may have had sexual relations with. What they do discover is that that girl has a brother-and that sibling may be exacting revenge upon the surviving sorority members. Debbie Rochon is the photographer who becomes involved with the detective-and is obviously one of the serial killers involved (this isn’t a spoiler-it’s obvious from the first ten minutes).Directed by Edward Raymond (Fred Olen Ray, who understandably uses a pseudonym).

Final Patient, The (2007)

Two recently graduated Medical Students, who are traveling across country, come across the story of an old doctor (Bill Cobbs) who supposedly lifted a two-ton tractor to save a child - and one rainy night, when they are invited over for dinner, they discover that he’s come up with a treatment that increases his strength. It’s a mysterious formula that requires the venom from Eastern Rattlesnakes. This is a subtle, well-written, well-directed horror movie that makes the viewer increasingly uneasy. Bill Cobb’s performance as the doctor brings it all together. Highly recommended, as it’s one of the better direct-to-dvd horror movies of 2007.

Fire and Ice (2008)

Takes place in a mythical kingdom in which a fire-breathing dragon attacks after a twenty year disappearance of the beasts. King Augustin (Arnold Vosloo) has a princess daughter, Luisa (Amy Acker of Dollhouse, Cabin in the Woods), who likes to practice with weapons. She’s in the nearby town when the Fire Dragon attacks. The effects are impressive and it’s a unique depiction of the mythical beast. Rather than the type seen in How to Train Your Dragon or Age of the Dragons, it looks like a giant burning manta-ray. After it nearly destroys the village she goes on a quest—and gets the help of

Sangimel (John Rhys-Davies of Lord of the Rings, Anaconda 3). He says in order to defeat the Fire Dragon they need to bring forth an Ice Dragon, which they do.

This is a decent budget period fantasy with some great effects. However, I’m a bit tired of seeing all these new dragon movies. Are dragons the new zombies?

Fire Serpent (2007)

This is an interesting idea. Fire creatures are periodically expelled from the sun, land on Earth and cause fires as they feed. During recent years the government has discovered what these are but a rogue government agent (Robert Beltran of Star Trek Voyager, Night of the Comet) has become all nonsensically religious and thinks they are angels of vengeance. He wants to help them destroy the world. A former fireman (Randolph Mantooth of Emergency One!) also knows the truth and tries to impart this information to a younger firefighter (Nicholas Brendan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer), who has seen this Fire Serpent for the first time. Created by William Shatner and written by Judith and Garfield Reeves-Stevens, who also co-write Shatner’s STAR TREK novels.

Firebreather (2010)

This is the animated adaptation of the graphic novels. Duncan Rosenblatt just wants to be a normal high school kid— but he’s not. In fact, he’s not entirely human, evident by his golden skin and faint scales. His father is a dragon. A giant, fire-breathing dragon who is king of the Kaiju. There’s a government agent that keeps on eye on him because he’s still growing and exhibiting super powers. And Duncan’s ferocious father wants him to take up the mantle to become the next King...

It took me a while to get used to the sort of stilted animation style and the whole aspect of making it more appealing to the Emo Twilight crowd, but I did watch it and I did enjoy it.

First Born (2007)

The DVD box artwork for this direct-to-video movie implies that it’s along the lines of such “baby” movies as Rosemary’s Baby, when it’s really about a new mother (Elisabeth Shue) who is going insane.  One day she finds out she’s pregnant and soon afterwards she and her husband buy a large house outside of New York City. After she gives birth, she becomes both forgetful and obsessed by her child, putting the infant in some hazardous situations. And with such movies involving children, such as The Astronaut’s Wife and Birth, she cuts off all of her long blonde hair. The movie is somewhat predictable but is worth seeing for the ending alone because it’s so atypical for an American movie. I would not recommend that expectant mothers watch this, though, for obvious reasons.

First Men in the Moon (1964)

Highly entertaining tale of an 1890’s expedition to the moon and the strange, insect-like civilization they encounter. The movie begins in modern day (1964) with the first lunar landing - and the astronauts soon discover someone beat them there first, after finding a British flag and a piece of paper with a woman’s name on it. The information is sent back to Earth and it’s discovered a trio of humans went there over sixty years before. The lone survivor, now in a nursing home, recalls what had happened, so the movie is basically one long flashback. The Ray Harryhausen Dynamation works very well with the insect creatures, making them much more cold and alien. Recommended.

First Spaceship on Venus (1959)

An intriguing science-fiction movie that takes place in the future world of the 1980’s. Impressive special effects, particularly with the spaceship and how the planet Venus is depicted. It reminded me of the planet in Aliens. Earth uncovers an alien message from a meteor site and scientists decode it to find out that it is an order to invade the Earth. Earth sends one of their crews to Venus to try and stop them-but when they get there the planet seems deserted. One astronaut falls into a hole in the ground and encounters these weird metallic insects, which are really storage devices for the Venusians. Before they could invade Earth they killed off themselves in an atomic war. Which, I guess, is supposed to be taken as a warning for earthlings.

First to Die (2003)

This adaptation of the James Patterson (KISS THE GIRLS) novel is a snoozer. A serial killer is targetting newlyweds on their wedding night, killing them with knives, guns and even arrows. It’s up to a police detective (Tracy Pollan) to find out who the real killer is. All clues lead to a wife-beating best-selling author (Robert Patrick). In fact, all the murders mimic those of his first unpublished novel, a revelation that turns up halfway through the flick. But he insists he didn’t do any of the killings, that he’s not a murderer. First, this movie is WAY too long at 168 minutes, even if it was originally a two-part made for cable movie, and the story is convoluted. The lead detective also happens to be dating the captain she’s partnered up with and she later finds out that she has a potentially fatal blood disease. Give me a break. Also, Tracy Pollan has absolutely no stage presence, making the movie horribly miscast. And speaking of the actors, it’s like a reunion created by Chris Carter-in addition to Robert Patrick, there’s Pitch Pileggi (X-Files) as a policeman and Megan Gallagher (Millenium) as one of the detective’s friends.I suppose if you like Lifetime movies you’ll enjoy this.

Fist of the Northstar (1986)

This incredibly violent anime is faithful to the original Manga (script written by the same author). The story takes place in a post-holocaust, barren world where the people are barely able to survive. Kenshiro is “The Fist of the Northstar” a man who has incredible power. His nemesis, “The Fist of the South Star”, has betrayed him and stolen his woman, Julia. In fact, they believe him dead, until he returns, stronger than ever. The coolest thing about this is how these guys fight-they’ll hit someone in the arm, then a few moments later blood will explode and the arm will fall off—-or hit them in the face and then a few moments later their head starts rupturing and swelling until it explodes.

This is much better than the 1995 live-action movie starring Gary Daniels.

Five (1951)

An exhausted woman makes her way through the desert hills and passes stopped vehicles that contain human skeletons She stumbles upon a cabin inhabited by a guy who has also miraculously survived the nuclear holocaust that destroyed virtually everything. The only other animal they’ve seen are birds. He was in New York City when the bombs detonated and she was protected by the lead walls of a hospital x-ray room. They think they are the only survivors until two more men show up, an old bank teller and an African-American who was a doorman at that bank. They were protected by the building’s vault. Yet the old guy develops blisters on his skin and dies of radiation poisoning. On the same say they find another guy washed ashore from the ocean. This guy was an explorer and was up on Mt. Everest. This is when trouble begins to develop. This explorer is pompous, doesn’t want to work planting crops and hates being in the same vicinity as the black guy. He starts foraging in the nearby cities and even acquires a gun. He also wants the woman, who was pregnant and had a baby boy. He tricks her into going with him but something unexpected happens which changes his outlook about his miraculous survival. Five is one of the better apocalyptic movies, similar to The World, The Flesh & the Devil. And yes, the black guy here also dances. Yet for the 1950’s this is a realistic and harsh movie.

Five Days to Midnight (2003)

Timothy Hutton is a physics professor who finds a mysterious metal briefcase at his wife’s grave. It contains a police file of his murder. But when he has the papers dated, they turn out to be 50 years old, which means they are from the future and that someone has sent this back in time to him so he can prevent his own death. Carrie Matchens (Invasion TV series) is his love interest, who may have something to do with his impending demise, and Randy Quaid is the police detective who eventually believes him. This is the best time-travel movie I have seen in a while.

Five Girls (2007)

A priest (Ron Perlman of Hellboy) manages to lose a promising young female student to Satan and is haunted by it. The movie then cuts to five years later, where five troubled girls are dropped off at the same school, which has been closed in the interem. The headmistress, this evil blonde bitch, tells them not to go to the third floor because it’s off limits. Of course, they don’t listen to her and when they go up there see the ghost of the lost girl. It soon becomes evident that each of these five girls has some type of supernatural power. One of them can heal with her hand, another can read the Tarot cards, one can walk through walls and another can move objects with her mind. It’s because of this power that they were brought here, but as to the exact why isn’t explained until the end. It’s not a surprising ending but it’s a satisfying enough one.

Five Girls has a bunch of young women in school girl outfits, a pseudo-lesbian scene and a strip-search scene. It’s sort of like a toned down “Women in Prison” movie.

Five Million Years to Earth  (1967)

A construction crew digging a new subway tunnel in London excavates a strange metallic missile which the authorities first think is a bomb left over from WWII. They also find the skeletons of several prehistoric, ape-like humans around it. Dr. Mathew Roney is excited about this, particularly the by the fact that they have large brain-cases. When Prof. Bernard Quatermass is called in, he comes to the conclusion that it’s really a spaceship. He discovers a hidden compartment inside which contains the quickly deteriorating corpses of large insect-like creatures that look like giant locusts. They are the source of our legends of demons and devils. He has a theory that they are from Mars and that they genetically modified the primitive humans to do their bidding. The Martians couldn’t breathe our atmosphere so they created beings they could control that could move about freely. Basically, Quartermass realizes that human civilization owes its intelligence to these long dead arthropods. However, the government doesn’t want to believe any of this and does not heed his warnings that the ship still has power. It begins controlling people, reactivating that long dormant part of their brains so that these people start killing those that have too weak a link to their progenitors. Even Quartermass becomes controlled, by a certain extent. It’s up to Dr. Roney to stop the alien consciousness from taking over the city. This is an intense, serious, bleak science-fiction/horror hybrid and my favorite “Quatermass” movie. Highly recommend. Also known as “Quartermas and the Pit”.

Flash Gordon (1980)

This is a rather cheesy version of the Alex Raymond’s comic strip space hero. Taking place in present day, Flash (Sam Jones) is a football star who is taking a plane trip with Dale Arden (Melody Anderson), a reporter. The plane crashes after a meteor shower near Dr. Zarkov’s laboratory. Zarkov holds them at gunpoint and forces them aboard his newly created spaceship. He has a theory that all of Earth’s current natural disasters are being caused by aliens and he wants to stop them. This turns out to be true. Their ship travels through a psychedelic vortex and lands on the planet Mongo, where they encounter the evil villain Ming the Merciless (Max Von Sydow). Ming wants Dale as his bride and tries to kill Flash in a gas chamber. But Flash is saved by Ming’s daughter Aura and is taken to Arborea, where Baron of the Forest People (Timothy Dalton) rules. Baron hates Flash, they fight a few times and end up becoming allies after their fight amongst the Hawk People.Talk about male bonding. They agree to try to overthrow Ming-lots of Hawk People get blown up in flames and Ming escapes via his magic ring after being speared by the front end of a spaceship.In the end Zarkov, Flash and Dale are still on Mongo and the evil villain is gone. But for how long?In this movie Flash is a bit naÃ¯ve-and seems a bit dimwitted because of it-yet he absolutely looks the part. The costumes and sets are mostly reds and primary colors, very bright, and intentionally not made to look very realistic. I think the best part of the movie is the opening title sequence, where we see clips of the Flash Gordon comic strip and title song by Queen is playing. A better version of Flash, much more serious, is the animated series made around the same time.

Flicker  (2009)

he movie begins with a strange stage performer talking, which made me think it was a dream—and I was right. A young couple wakes up in the middle of the night during a camping trip to find their two friends missing—and there’s lots of blood on the remains of their shredded tent. They think a bear got them, so they trudge back to their car to find it unable to start. So they start walking. When they come to the first car who stops it’s a policeman, or so he tells them. He locks them in his car for hours, then later kills the guy with a big pick ax. You see, there’s a crazy family living in the woods and he’s one of them. The girl escapes and then passes out—and someone cuts off all her long brown hair with a pair of scissors, so she’s walking around like a victim of Blue Sunshine for the second half of the movie. When she comes to a house in the woods—the house of the crazy family that’s abducting and torturing people—she finds a razor and shaves her head totally bald, which makes her look as crazy at the insane family. By this time, though, she’s ready to kick some ass. Although I wish there was more blood and guts, as special effects are minimal for what you’d expect in this type of movie, Flicker is a cool take on the whole “killer family in the woods preying on innocent victims” sub-genre. It is a great example of the well-directed and acted independent “slasher movie”.

Flight of the Living Dead (2007)

Despite the somewhat goofy title, this is a kick-ass zombie movie. A group of scientists are transporting a secret experiment on a Concord. It’s a metal container that contains the frozen body of one of their fellow scientists who was exposed to a new type of virus that reanimates dead tissue. The plane goes through a lightning storm, the container opens and she awakens, appearing human, only to be gunned down by the guard in the luggage compartment. She immediately comes back as a ferocious, fast, yellow-eyed zombie and quickly starts infecting other people on the plane. The plane is only a quarter filled and so there’s plenty of room for everyone to move around and try hiding from the fast-moving zombies. There are some good characters here, particularly a prisoner and his chaperone, and a golf pro who has this really bitchy wife.

Flight of the Living Dead is one of the best zombie movies in recent years. This movie is all that Snakes on a Plane wasn’t.

Flight Plan (2005)

This came out about the same time as the Wes Craven movie Red Eye, which was about someone being blackmailed by terrorists. This is pretty much an alternate version of that, though it has the twist of making you wonder if the main character (Jodie Foster) is crazy or not. In fact, I enjoyed this much better than Red Eye. Not a bad movie.

Flood  (2007)

If you’re itching for an entertaining disaster movie, definitely try to find Flood. The premise is that a storm causes a huge tidal surge which manages to breach the Thame’s Barrier, which normally prevents that river from flooding. Now, London is covered in water and it’s up to an engineer named Rob (Robert Carlyle of Once Upon A time, Stargate Universe) to figure out a way to release the water so millions won’t drown. He’s assisted by his ex-wife, Sam (Jessalyn Gilsig of Heroes, Glee), who he still has feelings for, and his father, Leonard, who he’s been at odds with for years. The disaster definitely brings them closer together. Flood is a UK version of an Irwin Allen disaster movie, with good actors, great special effects and enough facts to make it entirely plausible.

Flu Bird Horror (2008)

A hunter is attacked and killed by what looks like a man-sized pteradactyl after his hunting partner calls him a “dumbutt”. I guess that jinxed him. The other guy gets away but is scratched. Eventually he ends up at the nearby hospital where they do a blood test and discover he has some mutated form of bird flu. It’s not only making him sick it’s making him look like a rotting zombie. I didn’t know any type of flu did that. Anyways, the main story concerns a group of bad teenagers who are in prison camp. The guy in charge gets killed by the “birds” and so they must try to make it out of the forest alive while these flying lizards pick them off one by one. There’s also the government agents, with Romanian accents, who want to stop the infection from spreading to a population of millions. In fact, I think this whole movie was shot in Romania as many of the voices seem as if they are dubbed in. Of course, the birds are killed in the end by a character who sacrifices/redeems himself and there’s a big explosion, with the hint that the “birds” aren’t all dead. You’ve seen this movie a zillion times before.

Flying Monkeys (2013)

An overworked architect (Vincent Ventresca of Invisible Man, Prey) misses his daughter’s high school graduation so he goes to the local pet store and buys her a monkey for a pet. But this isn’t a normal monkey. It transforms into a gargoyle-like creature and kills people. In the opening scene it’s being transported from China—and it kills one of the workers as well as all the other animals on board. The monkey is delivered to a pet store where it’s purchased for the guy’s daughter. There are a bunch of lame teenagers and stereotypical shenanigans. And although the idea of a were-monkey is fairly unique the special effects are bad.

Fog, The (2005)

This film will undoubtedly rank amongst the worst re-makes ever made-and reaffirms what a classic horror film the first Fog (1980) is.Tom Welling (Clark Kent of Smallville) takes the role of Nick Castle, Maggie Grace (Lost) is in the Jamie Lee Curtis role and Selma Blair (Hellboy) takes over Adrienne Barbeau’s role of Stevie Wayne, the lighthouse radio show host. The acting isn’t bad but all the characters are given these already established relationships so not a lot is done with the characters. The biggest problem of the movie is that there is no suspense or scares. Then, there’s the computer animated fog and the ghosts that come with it. Far too much time is given to the flashback scenes of ‘why’ the ghosts of the lepers are seeking revenge. And that whole subplot with the reincarnation can be seen a mile away-it’s not a ‘Surprise ending’. You know you’re in trouble when 45 minutes into the movie you’re anxious for the thing to end. If you’re thinking of seeing this movie-don’t. Rent out the original instead.

Food of the Gods (1976)

Loosely based on the H.G. Wells’ novel, this Bert I. Gordon production is better than his other FOTG interpretation, Village of the Giants. Marjoe Gortner (Earthquake) portrays a football player who goes on vacation two of his friends and one of the guys gets stung by a giant wasp, though they don’t see what actually stung him. They end up going back to the island to investigate when the coroner says he was stung by the equivalent of hundreds of wasps. There they encounter Mrs. Skinner (Ida Lupino), who lives on a small farm. This is where the “Food” is bubbling out of the earth-and anything that consumes it grows in size. Gortner fights a giant chicken in her barn-and then the giant rats appear. There’s also a slimy businessman and a young couple who join them and take refuge in the house, trying to fend off the giant rodents. Some of the special effects are crude by today’s standard, but the giant rats (the majority of the time real rats are used, then giant mockups when they are fighting them hand to hand) hold up well and the movie is violent and unrelenting. Food of the Gods holds up pretty well over the past thirty years.

1408 (2007)

John Cusack gives a bravura performance as a writer who goes to investigate a haunted hotel room. The problem is that the first half of the movie is much better than the second half because there’s a good 50% you know what’s going to happen. And to tell you the truth, I’m soooooo sick of seeing Stephen King stories about authors. If you’re a die-hard King fan you’ll enjoy this, otherwise there’s no rush to see it unless you’ve exhausted the other recent horror releases out there.

Forever Knight: Season One (1992)

The only familiar face from the original movie starring Rick Springfield is John Kapelos as Don Schanke, Knight’s a-hole partner, who becomes more of a buffoon as the show progresses. Geraint Wyn-Davies takes over as Nicholas Knight, an eight-hundred year old vampire who is trying to redeem himself by helping humanity - and who is trying to become human again. Instead of a male coroner, this time it’s a woman, Dr. Lambert (Catherine Disher) who is also sexually interested in Knight. The first several episodes re-does the Nick Night movie, ending with the death of Lacroix (Nigel Bennett). For the rest of the season the ‘villain’ seen in the numerous flashbacks. There’s also the woman vampire, Janette, who was also created by Lacroix, who runs a local bar/dance club called The Raven. Nick frequently goes there and seems to be close to Janette, as they are always kissing. Their relationship, other than both being created by Lacroix, is explained in Season Two. In one episode Kelly Preston (PIN) portrays a film-nourish killer and in another a young Carrie Anne Moss is a murderer. Despite the cheapness of the sets and the low-production values (in fact, a lot of it looks as if it was shot on video and ‘filmlooked’) it’s still a good show, the precursor to  Angel and Moonlight.

Forever Knight: Season Two (1993)

The production values, acting and stories improve from the first season. The episodes also delve in to the relationship of the trio of vampires - Knight, Lacroix and Janette. Lacroix’s origin happens during the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius in Pompeii and he was ‘brought over’ by his young daughter. In the first season Lacroix always seemed like a gay vampire (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and in the second season he’s leaner and meaner. One episode even shows how he had fallen in love with Nick’s sister back in the Middle Ages. When Nick transforms his eyes glow a red color, while in the first season they were solely light green contact lenses). Also, the flying effects are much better. We’re even introduced to a vampire hunter, which I wish they utilized more. The last two episodes are directed by Geraint Wyn-Davies and John Kapelos.

Forever Knight: Season Three (1995)

This third and final season of the vampire detective television show is much darker than the previous years, starting with two-parter episode Black Budha in which Nick’s partner Schanke, along with his boss, are killed in a plane crash. Nick gets a new partner with Tracy Vetter (Lisa Ryder of Andromeda), who is new to homicide work. There’s also a new captain, Joe Reese, who is probably the best Captain the series has had. Some new vampires are introduced, who become regulars, such as Vashon, who was created four hundred years before when he was a Spanish Explorer. He becomes a love interest for Vetter. Also, the episodes are more weird and intriguing than in previous years, such as Francesca, in which a man realizes he’s the reincarnation of an evil woman vampire who was killed by Nick two hundred years ago. Another story deals with a woman who has three personalities, one of them a vampire, yet is able to walk in sunlight when she’s in her human personality. Nick also has a few slip-ups and ends up drinking human blood and comes to the realization that he can’t escape his nature, no matter how he tries. In The Human Factor, his former lover, Jeanette returns and she’s become human and Nick desperately wants to know how, as that’s his goal to become fully human again.. The episode explores how this happened and how much her character has changed. It’s one of the best episodes of the entire series.

Lacroix (Nigel Bennett) is made much less of a bad guy, becoming Nick’s friend once again, and we get some insight to Lacroix’s background, particularly in Ashes to Ashes, when his daughter, Divia, the one who turned him, shows up to wreak havoc on his associates. She may look like a little girl but she’s evil. Also, one of the better episodes to date. Whereas, many of the previous years episodes were lighter, primarily because of the comic interaction between Knight and former partner Schanke, this year is dead serious”and gets darker as it progresses. In fact, almost all of the major characters are killed off in the last several episodes, which I’ve never seen done in a series before. In Last Knight, the final episode of the series, where you think he’d live happily ever after with is love interest, Dr. Natalie Lambert (Catherine Disher), Nick ends up doing something terrible and it’s something he can’t live with.

Although season three isn’t as “fun” as the previous years, it’s better written and directed, and the producers had the balls to end it in the most final manner possible.

Forgotten City (1999)

After his brother is killed, James Wheeler (pre-X-Files Robert Patrick)goes on a quest to discover just why his sibling was killed. He finds out that he had the key to the location of the last Mayan civilization—and that those who killed him want to keep that information hidden. Wheeler becomes involved with a female archeologist, who knew his brother, and also with the rich billionaire (Fred Ward) who wants to find the treasure that is hidden in the Mayan ruins. This isn’t Indiana Jones but it isn’t too bad.

Forgotten, The (2004)

The Forgotten’s premise, while not all that original, is nevertheless unsettling. Julianne Moore portrays a mother who, fourteen-months later, is still grieving over the death of her son, who was killed in a plane crash. She goes to her therapist (Gary Sinise) and tries to interact with her husband (Anthony Edwards) as normally as possible. Then, one day she sees that the family picture of them is missing the son. She goes and looks at her photo albums, which are now all empty, and even plays the home movies, which are also blank. She thinks her husband is being cruel and has an explosive reaction. She comes to realize, though, that she isn’t crazy and that her son’s memory is systematically being erased from everyone who knew him. She meets up with another parent who lost a child in the crash and makes him remember his daughter. Once he does he willingly helps her and together they try to uncover the mystery. The ‘mystery’ isn’t all that surprising. What they do uncover is that they are part of an experiment done by ‘other than human’ creatures. This is very Twilight Zone-ish and reminded me of the more recent The Mothman Prophecies (in terms of humans realizing that someTHING is watching them). The DVD is released with the original theatrical version and the extended version with an alternate (original) ending. The alternate ending is much better and gives a totally different interpretation of the ‘beings’ than the shorter version does, which kind of dumbs it down and makes the experimenters undeniably malevolent. The Forgotten isn’t a bad movie, it’s simply unexceptional...and I’m sure I’ll forget about it in a month or so.

Forsaken, The (2001)

This an extremely boring, not to mention insulting, vampire film that borrows heavily from Near Dark (a gang of vampires in the west), The Hitcher (the main character is transporting a car across country and runs into trouble), John Carpenter’s Vampires (there’s a blonde they use to track the vampires) and The Lost Boys (one of the main characters looks like one of the Frog Brothers). Although the vampire-on-fire effects are kind of cool the makeup for the vampires themselves is pretty bad, mostly pale faces. If you’re looking for something that will either cure your insomnia, make you want to crush a videotape or give you a headache then this is the movie for you.

Fortress 2: Re-Entry (2000)

Christopher Lambert reprises his role of renegade John Brennick, who is recaptured ten years after escaping The Fortress. Although his wife and son escape the authorities he’s placed in a maximum security prison orbiting 26,000 miles around the Earth, where the planet’s most fiercest criminals are housed. Here, he’s surrounded by an elaborate system of computer surveillance devices, including a camera placed inside his body. The prison guards know every move he makes. Although not as good as the Stuart Gordon directed original, primarily because of the lower budget, it is a decent enough sequel. Directed by Geoff Murphy.

42K (1999)

A group of four guys, hanging out one night, are in for a bit of weirdness when they meet four attractive girls, take them back to their house and are repeatedly attacked by these twelve machete wielding vampires. To combat them they enlist the help of some Ninjas. There’s also two Christians and a gangsta rapper on board. The dialogue and situations are hilarious, the characters extremely likable and the movie totally unpredictable. The closest thing I can compare it to is an episode of The Monkees Television show from the 60’s. Zany! Directed by Darren Doane (Godmoney) and Ken Daurio.

4400, The  (2004)

This six-hour mini-series on USA Network is sort of the flip-side of the Spielberg mini-series Taken. In fact, one of the lead actors was in that same mini-series. Here, 4400 people mysteriously appear from a ball of light that approaches Earth. All of them have been missing, anywhere from the 1930’s to the present. The story follows several of these characters and how they adapt to their new time period. There’s the black guy from the 1950’s who finds present day much more liberal. The blonde woman he ultimately hooks up with has to deal with finding out her husband had remarried and her daughter not knowing who she is. He also wants nothing to do with her. Also, a teenager who is the nephew of one of the investigators was missing for three years...and discovers that he has the power to restore or take life with a mere touch. In fact, many of the 4400 exhibit strange powers. The BIG question is why they were taken and why they were brought back to the present day with these newfound abilities? In the last episode the big secret is revealed and....it’s kind of a let down. But it does provide a good excuse to turn this into a regular television series, which would be cool.

4400: Season 2, The (2005)

The second season of this intriguing series begins one year after the first. Field agent Tom has been put on hiatus, his son is still being kept in quarantine. Agent Skouras has adopted Maia, the girl from the 1940’s. Richard Tyler and Lily are on the run, wanting to protect their infant daughter, Isabelle, from Jordan Collier, who wants to get his hands on her. When a group of religious fanatics track them down at their secluded cabin, Isabelle kills them with her mind. This makes Richard nervous, since his daughter only communicates with her mother. Shawn, who can heal any disease with his hands, is now working at the new 4400 Center and hasn’t had contact with his family in nearly a year.

In one episode, a former baseball player exhibits mind-reading abilities, in another a salesman’s (Robert Picardo) saliva causes rapid weight loss, like in THINNER. There’s also a woman (Sherylnn Fenn of Twin Peaks) who spreads a fatal disease when she gets upset. She comes to believe that it’s her destiny to wipe out mankind. There’s also a 4400 who can repair bad chromosomes in the womb. It turns out he’s a war criminal from Africa who is trying to make up for past mistakes. In one of the more interesting stories, patients at a mental institution start building an odd contraption, which is a device that awakens the mind of one of the patients, who may be the father of the 4400 technology. Meanwhile, Shawn becomes interested in a red-headed homeless girl, who he tries to help. Tom is put into an alternate reality, generated by a woman named Alana, where he lives out the next twenty years. When he awakens he finds that their experiences—and love—is real, and continues a relationship with her. The people from the future, who had abducted the 4400 to begin with, tell Tom that he’ll need Alan’s emotional support because of what is to come. This turns out to be the assassination of Jordon Collier (Billy Campbell) by Tom’s son, Kyle, who was obviously being controlled by someone else’s mind. Kyle feels guilty and ultimately turns himself in because he doesn’t want an innocent man being found guilty for his crime. However, soon after he was shot, Collier’s body vanishes into thin air. It’s not until the very last episode that we see that he’s still alive, on the other side of the world. Meanwhile, Shawn is left to run the 4400 center with the help of one of Collier’s associates who is not what he appears to be.

The authorities, led by Dennis Hyland, wants to quarantine all 4400 once they begin becoming sick. But they are sick because the government has secretly been giving them injections to prevent the advent of their special “4400 abilities”. Tom and Diana uncover all of this, though nearly thirty 4400’s die because of the fiasco. This will set up a rift between the normal humans, the government, and the 4400’s. Also, Richard and Lily stop running, but in the last episode Lily is rapidly ages—and Isabelle miraculously grows to adult-hood. She will cause a lot of trouble in Season 3....

4400: Season 3, The (2006)

Tom Baldwin (Joel Gretsch) and Diana Skouris (Jacqueline McKenzie) are the two government agents sympathetic to the plight of the 4400’s, those individuals who were kidnapped by the future society and returned to the present with special abilities. Tom is dating a woman named Alana, who can create her own realities, and Diana had adopted Maia, a girl who can see the future. Tom’s son is serving a prison sentence for killing Jordan Collier, a 4400, although he was “possessed” at the time. As it turns out Collier shows up late in the season, returned from the dead and looking like Jesus with long hair and beard. Isabelle, the child of two of the 4400’s, has rapidly aged and is now a young adult, though her mother Lilly has also aged and ends up dying at the beginning of the season. As it turns out she may be the biggest threat of all for the 4400’s. Dennis Ryland (Peter Coyote) continues to be the skeezy bad guy and forms an unlikely alliance with the powerful Isabelle.

What I liked best about the season is that Skouris finally gets a love interest after being the confirmed bachelorette for two seasons—and it’s presented in such a way that she can’t deny her feelings or even try to get out of it. The worst thing about the season is that we see some of the abductors from the future, as a few episodes revolve around this, and they should have remained mysterious and off-screen. In terms of the big picture a lot is going on but in terms of the majority of the characterization and drama, Season Two remains the best of the overall series to date.

4400: Season 4, The (2007)

In the season opener it’s months after the ability creating drug, Promicin, has been made available to the public. The side effect is that it kills half the people who take it.

Healer Shawn Farrel, who was put in a coma by the evil Isabelle, awakens with the help of his cousin, Kyle Baldwin. His father, NTAC agent Tom Baldwin, is steel reeling from the loss of the love of his life, Alana, who mysteriously disappeared in a flash of light. In a later episode we find out she was transported back into the past by the “future people”. Tom’s partner, Diana, returns to Seattle after spending half a year in Italy with her daughter Maya and fiance. She has learned that her wayward sister, April (Natasha Gregson Wagner of Modern Vampires) had taken Promicin and wants to know if she’s dead or alive.

Meanwhile, there’s a new head of NTAC, Meghan Doyle. She and Tom have an immediate attraction and become a couple. However, Tom starts acting weird, as if he’s possessed. He is—by one of “The Marked”. These are people from the future who want to prevent the 4400 from having any influence and changing the future. They want the cataclysm to happen so that their particular society will survive. They were able download their personalities into nano-bots which take over a host. Meghan and DIana realize what’s happening but how do they save Tom? Is it even possible to save him?

Jordan Collier rises to power with the help of Kyle. Kyle’s ability manifest itself in a weird way—he’s able to know when things will happen and “know what to do” with the help of a young woman only he can see. She’s a part of his mind. She urges him to become Jordan’s “shaman”, to urge him to do the right thing for their people. These plans are interrupted when the Marked eventually capture Jordan Collier. They want to possess him as well so he can undo all the damage he’s done. Jordan’s power is being able to remove people’s abilities and they want him to do this with all the “infected”.

In the last, and best episode of the season, The Great Leap, Shawn Farrel’s brother, Danny, decides to take the Promicin drug and develops the ability to spread it, airborne. He infects thousands of people and nine thousand new people with abilities are created. The season ends with the P-Positives taking over all of Seattle. Even members of NTAC have powers. Meghan Doyle can turn anything into vegetation and analyst Marco and now teleport. What happens next is covered in the recommended two books, Welcome to Promise City and Promises Broken.

Fountain, THe (2007)

This movie by Darren Aranofsky (PI, Requiem for a Dream) is a non-movie. There’s no beginning, no end, just the middle, which is primarily about a doctor (Hugh Jackman) trying to find a cure for his wife’s (Rachel Weisz) brain tumor. The movie cuts back and forth between this “reality” and a story she had written, entitled “The Fountain”, which is about a conquistador who comes across the fountain of youth. As a friend of mine once put so subtly, this movie is best described as pretentious horse crap.

Fourth Floor, The  (2009)

Juliette Lewis (From Dusk Til Dawn), who still looks like she’s twelve-years-old, moves into her deceased Aunt’s huge NYC apartment rather than her boyfriend’s house in Westchester. She soon encounters all her strange neighbors, including SHelley Duvall. The reclusive neighbor who lives on the floor below keeps on leaving her threatening notes not to make any noise—and this soon escalates to this unseen neighbor trying to kill her. Lewis’ boyfriend (William Hurt) does not seem very supportive of her move and we suspect he may have something to do with the weirdness going on in her building. Lewis eventually discovers what’s going on—and it’s pretty strange. Although the chemistry between Lewis and Hurt is nil (very bad miscasting!) the story is interesting enough, though it makes you want to go out and rent Polansky’s The Tenant to see this sort of movie done right.

Fourth Kind, The (2009)

At times, this movie “based on real events” is heavy-handed, particularly when actress Milla Jovovich introduces herself at the beginning, saying she’s portraying Dr. Abbey Tyler, who had these experiences. Then it goes to the story, which sometimes also has the “documentary” footage played alongside the re-created movie scene. The scenes in which her patients are hypnotized and relive their abduction experiences are creepy and dramatic. It’s like a scene out of the Exorcist, with them even speaking ancient Sumerian. And Will Patton always gives a good performance, here as Sheriff August, who thinks that the Doctor may be responsible for her patients’ odd behavior. The movie also explains why the UFO abductees never remember the abduction experiences—if they do, they go crazy or kill themselves because it’s so horrible an event to relive.

The one thing I had problems with is that the real Abbey Tyler and the Milla Jovovich Abbey Tyler are very different in both appearance, voice and demeanor, and I think it’s a bit of miscasting, as I always associate the actress with strong roles, like in the Resident Evil  flicks. Still, if you’re a fan of alien abduction movies you should enjoy this. What Paranormal Activity is to evil spirits, The Fourth Kind is to aliens.

Fracture (2007)

Anthony Hopkins is a rich business guy who blatantly shoots his wife (Embeth Davitz of Army of Darkness, Fallen, Mad Men) in the head after he discovers she’s having an affair. He cleans himself up, wipes off his fingerprints from the bullets and leaves the gun in plain sight. He even confesses to doing the crime to the arresting officer. The prosecuting attorney (Ryan Gosling of STAY) assigned to the case has another high paying job lined up and takes this only because it seems so open and shut. But there’s nothing other than circumstantial evidence that points to Hopkins doing it. In fact, the gun they found hasn’t even been fired, so it’s not the murder weapon. And the police cannot find that gun inside the house. Things also get complicated when Hopkins tells the judge and jury that the man who was having the affair with his wife is the arresting officer, who then attacks him on the floor of the courtroom. It’s extremely entertaining watching these two characters, the killer and the lawyer, trying to outsmart one another. And while the ending is not totally surprising it’s a GOOD ending.

Fragile (2005)

An American nurse, Amy Nicholls (Calista Flockhart) haunted by a mistake she made, starts her new job at a dilapidated children’s hospital in England. She takes a particular liking to a young girl, Maggie, who has cystic fibrosis. Maggie has an “invisible friend” by the name of Charlotte, who turns out to be a ghost that’s haunting the building. But this ghost is violent and she’s harmed some of the young children by shattering their bones.

As more supernatural happenings proceed, Amy thinks she’s going crazy—until she does some digging and finds out why the ghost is acting out.

The movie drags somewhat, but the production value and special effects are great, particularly the ghost, which looks like something out of Bill Malone’s House on Haunted Hill. The only thing I found truly disturbing was the casting of actress Calista Flockhart as the nurse. She only has one expressions, throughout, which I think is frozen there from the bottox injections...

Frankenfish (2004)

In the bayous of Lousiana a fisherman’s body is found, partially eaten, and the teeth marks are not from an alligator. They are from a huge, mutated snake-head fish that was inadvertently released into the Bayous. The first casualty is an African-American fisherman. A local detective, along with a biologist, are sent in to investigate and they discover that the Japanese are responsible for creating the creature. Snake-head fish are a delicacy and huge versions of them will generate more money. There’s an interesting assortment of characters who don’t quite fit the stereotypes, from the voodoo witch to the angry Vietnam vet. It’s also surprising who is killed off by the fish and who survives. And, like the movie, The Snake-Head Terror, the computer-animated fish actually look good. Despite the stupid title this is an above-average killer animal movie. Most important of all, it’s fun.

Frankenstein (1973)

Dan Curtis’ three-hour version of Mary Shelley’s novel, has Robert Foxworth (Death Moon) as the Doctor and Bo Svenson as the monster. Carrie Fisher is the Doctor’s girlfriend. The film lacked spark but was faithful to the novel. As with Curtis’ Dorian Gray and Dr. Jeckyll adaptations, this was shot in video so it has a “Soap opera” feel to it.

Frankenstein (2004)

Although this USA Network movie isn’t the best Frankenstein movie in the world it is worth watching just for the sheer weirdness of it.In present-day New Orleans the police are investigating these murders happening around the city. All the victims are missing an organ. Is it the work of another serial killer-or something more sinister?The original ‘Frankenstein Monster’, named Deucalion (Vincent Perez), appears to help two of the detectives. He’s this large guy with a lot of scars. He explains that a man named Dr. Helios is doing experiments and that the murders are somehow tired in with his work. Not only is the doctor creating a new race of man, he’s also been doing experiments on himself, the reason why he’s still alive after two-hundred years. He’s also quite crazy. In one scene he murders his wife, who he had created, and then resurrects her in the hope that she’ll have a better personality suited for him. The murders are being done by one of the Doctor’s many creations, a monster who wants to die but is unable to kill himself. I’m not really spoiling anything by telling you it turns out to be one of the detectives, portrayed by Michael Madsen (it’s obvious from the beginning of the movie he’s the killer). He’s been harvesting organs and stashing them in a hidden room in his apartment building. He is also pregnant, as shown when he lifts up his shirt and we can see something writhing within. Bizarre. When he’s killed in the end by plummeting from a building and being impaled on some spikes his offspring manages to scurry off. What it is we have no idea.The movie is open-ended, which makes me think this is the pilot for a possible series. The premise and all of the characters are introduced but the story is unfinished. And it’s the first time I’ve seen Parker Posey (she’s one of the detectives) in a movie where she didn’t annoy the hell out of me.

Frankenstein (2007)

This BBC interpretation of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein is one of the best Frankenstein movies I have ever seen, up there with Frankenstein: The True Story and any of the Hammer Films. Victoria (Helen McCrory) is a biologist obsessed with The Universal Xenograft Project, which is a multi-organ bank. These grown organs would be fit for human transplant. At the same time she’s working on this she’s also dealing with her mortally sick eight-year-old son, whose organs are failing him. Desperate to save him she injects some of his DNA into the organ bank—and it starts growing a sort of person. But her son dies and she decides to pull the plug on the project. However, her ex-husband (James Purefoy of Rome), has them continue the project.

The creature inside eventually breaks out of the metal container and escapes into the city, where it accidently kills a young girl. It ends up at Victoria’s house, in her son’s backyard fort. When she sees it she freaks out and rejects the monster. It’s eventually captured and studied— and seems to have some of the memories of her dead son, which makes dealing with it difficult for both her and her ex to deal with. In order to keep the creature under control it’s fitted with electronic bolts in its neck which can paralyze its body if it becomes violent. The scenes with the gene company keeping the creature captive is difficult to watch, for as utterly ferocious the monster is it’s also pitiful and sympathetic. In fact, the three major characters are this way as well. Victoria is somewhat of a bitch and her ex an asshole but there are scenes where you truly sympathize with them. The movie also has the most unique looking “Frankenstein Monster” to date. The ending is perfect.  This gets my highest recommendation.

Frankenstein Island (1981)

This movie has everything in it! A group of balloonists are shipwrecked on a desert island after a storm and encounter an Amazonian tribe, who are descended from space aliens, crazy looking ping-pong eyed zombies and the grand-daughter of Dr. Frankenstein, who is still doing experiments. It seems that whoever is shipwrecked on the island is experimented upon, such as a previous group of sailors. The ghost of Dr. Frankenstein, provided by one minute of footage of John Carradine, keeps on making appearances, uttering the same lines over and over again (probably all they shot!), which makes it all the more surreal. Cameron Mitchell and Robert Clarke are also on hand to emote. A really weird but entertaining movie.

Frankenstein vs. The Creature From Blood Cove (2003)

Homage to those Universal monster movies like House of Dracula and House of Frankenstein, complete in black and white. In fact, it’s almost exactly like an Al Adamson movie. The premise is that a mad scientist, Dr. Lazaroff (Larry Butler) has created a biological hybrid between a man and a barracuda, basing his work on that of Victor Frankenstein. But something goes wrong and he’s not able to control the creature. So he goes to Transylvania to uncover the original creature, who is conveniently buried in a grave next to the old Frankenstein castle. Of course, this monster doesn’t want to be controlled either. There’s also a side-story about a cheesecake photographer whose models keep on being attacked by the sea creature. The fight scenes between the monsters are a bit goofy, though in retrospect not that different than in Universal’s Frankenstein vs. The Wolfman, which is weird because there’s plenty of nudity in the movie.

The makeup and costumes are surprisingly good. Frankenstein ooks like the underwater zombie that fights the shark in Fulci’s Zombie and the Creature looks more like a Sleestak from Land of the Lost. My favorite monster was the Wolfman. Writer David Gerrold (The Trouble with Tribbles, War with the Chtorr trilogy!) has a humorous, one minute cameo.

Frankenstein: The True Story (1973)

This four hour movie is my favorite filmic version of the Frankenstein novel. Dr. Frankenstein, upset by the drowning death of his brother, is recruited by a fellow doctor (David MaCallum) who has discovered how to restore life with solar power. He ends up dying before they’re able to bring back a reassembled corpse but Dr. Frankenstein puts his friend’s brain in the body. In typical mad scientist fashion there’s lots of explosions in the lab and the creature breaths to life. Instead of a horrendous monster, though, this creation looks perfect. Frankenstein is thrilled-and starts teaching him about civilization. But this all comes to an end when the creation starts to revert-growing bulbous sores, large teeth and a pronounced brow-ridge that makes him look like a caveman. Unable to deal with his transformation the monster hurls himself over a cliff. Time passes and Dr. Frankenstein marries-and an old gentleman introduces himself into their lives. This is Dr. Polidori (James Mason), who has also been doing experiments with regeneration and life creation. Polidori has also been sheltering the monster, who had survived the fall. Polidori talks Frankenstein into helping him bring a young woman back to life (Jane Seymour) through chemicals-and she turns out as perfect as the monster first was. But she’s clearly evil. There’s a confrontation between the two creations at a society party-and he rips off her head, throwing it in Polidori’s lap. From then on the monster haunts his creator, until they end up in the North Pole for a final confrontation.

Frankenweenie (2012)

After Victor Frankenstein brings his dog, Sparky, back to life, a few other kids in his school get the idea to perform their own “mad scientist” experiments. One changes a girl’s cat into a half bat monster, another has a giant Gamera-sized turtle, and another has evil Sea Monkeys. And it’s up to Sparky to help but things right and protect the town.

There were three animated horror movies released around the same time— this, Hotel Transylvania and ParaNorman. This goes right in the middle in terms of entertainment valley. This animated feature is very different than the original live-action Frankenweenie short that started Tim Burton’s career.

Franklyn (2009)

This begins in a massive, labyrinthian city called Meanwhile City, with a character by the name of David Preest (Ryan Phillipe). Through a film-noir-like voice-over, we learn that he is the only one there who does not have religion. It’s the law that you must worship something and the clerics, these guys with white skin and tall hats, enforce this rule. Of course, they are after Preest. Oh, and Preest wears this creepy looking mask, though it makes him stick out more than anything else. His goal is to kill someone named “The Individual”, who is responsible for killing a girl he knew. Then we go to modern-day London, where Emilia (Eva Green). She is a depressed art student who wears a lot of mascara and keeps on trying to kill herself. She says it’s part of her art project, though she’s doing it more to get back at her mother (Susannah York). We first see these two characters in a therapy session, in which they are trying to express their feelings.

There’s also a story about Milo, who recently broke up with his fiance, and is reunited with a childhood girl friend, who may not actually be real. And then there is the story about a father searching for his son, who violently escaped from a mental institution. The son’s name is David.

I found this to be an interesting film, both visually and in how the four stories eventually interconnect. In one scene, for example, we’ll see two characters talking—and one is in the reality of Meanwhile City while the other is in London. And actress Eva Green (The Golden Compass) portrays two characters who are polar opposites. In fact, when we see the second character it doesn’t immediately register that this is indeed the same actress. Franklyn is definitely worth checking out if you like to think while you’re watching a movie. It’s like 23 Grams crossed with Dark City.

Freaked (1993)

Randy Coogan (Alex Winter of Lost Boys, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure) is a former child star who is hired to represent a chemical called Zygrote 24. He goes down to Mexico with a friend and falls for a beautiful woman, Julie (Megan Ward) who is protesting that company he’s working for. They all end up going to a nearby freakshow run by Elijah C. Skuggs (Randy Quaid). He not only runs this exploitive business, he creates them with the very same substance Coogan was hired to represent. Julie and his friend are turned into siamese twins and half of Coogan looks like a giant Gremlin.

They also meet the other prisoners, which include The Bearded Lady (Mr. T!), a worm guy, a guy who farts flames, a creature with a sock puppet head and Ortiz, the dog boy (definitely one of Keanu Reeve’s best performances in ANY movie).

It’s a crazy, over-the-top movie that’s highly entertaining. What really makes it are the effects by Screaming Mad George (Guyver). Star Alex Winter also co-directed.

Freakmaker(1972)

Donald Pleasence portrays a mad scientist, Professor Nolter, who believes that the only way mankind can survive in the future is if they evolve plant-like characteristics, such as getting energy from the sun. So he has begun creating these weird plant/human hybrids with this cyclotron gun he has where he teaches. In his home lab he has these bizarre creations. One of them, which is a towering pitcher plan, he feeds live rabbits to.

Nolter isn’t doing this alone. He has help from a circus sideshow of freaks, who kidnap his many victims. The guy who runs the circus (an unrecognizable Tom Baker) is horribly deformed, like the kid in Mask, and believes the doctor will make him look normal as long as he helps him procure subjects for his experiments. When these experiments don’t turn out as expected they end up as new attractions in the side-show, such as an unfortunate blonde who is transformed into a “snake woman”. It’s horrendous. But they made a mistake in kidnapping this blonde because her boyfriend becomes worried and starts to investigate. He discovers what the doctor is going but ends up as a “successful” experiment, which means he won’t die. He doesn’t way to stay like this so he gets his revenge on the doctor. There’s a scene at the end of the movie that David Cronenberg totally lifted for his version of The Fly. The hybrid creature crashes through the skylight in his lab, lands upon him and spews flesh dissolving fluids on him. In fact, I’d say David Cronenberg’s version of The Fly is far more influenced by this movie than the original The Fly. This is one of those movies that is a must see— it’s disturbing and a solid representation of a horror movie from the 70’s. Also known as The Mutations.

Freakylinks (2001)

In the series pilot Adam Barnes (Ethan Embry) recounts the story of how he runs an internet website that deals with the supernatural and unexplained. His identical twin brother had started it and was ultimately killed because of it, as he came too close to discovering the truth about a certain type of creature. The first episode is dark and creepy, along the lines of X-Files. We’re introduced to psychologist Chloe Tanner (a pre-nose job Lisa Sheridan of Invasion), who was engaged to Adam’s dead brother, and Jason, the African-American sidekick/cameraman. And Dennis Christopher is Vince Elsing, a friend of Adam’s brother who has spent years in a mental institution for “knowing too much”. Of the thirteen episodes half are serious ones, such as a woman policeman who is killing her colleagues and the ghost of a dead girl who was locked down in an oil drum and starved to death. In “Coelecanth This” they stumble upon a car accident in which they find a girl claiming something dragged off her boyfriend. Turns out to be a pterodactyl that reappears every 30 years. “Live Fast, Die Young” features Eric Balfour (Haven, Veritas: The Quest) as a guy who is ablBut the second half of the show is e goofy, along the lines of Special Unit 2 or The Chronicle. The group investigates the Skunk Ape, a bigfoot-like creature sighted in Florida. It’s bothering an old lady at a retirement community and at first they believe it to be a trained ape of one of the residents. As it turns out there’s a nearby spring that has a special quality—whatever drinks from it reverts to a primitive form. The ape, which looks like a guy in a gorilla suit, turns out to be an old man who has a crush on that lady. “Desert Squid: Myth or Legend” is simply stupid. The problem with this show is that it’s too uneven and goes for the laugh rather than the scare, particularly with the interaction of the characters. It can’t decide what it wants to be serious or funny and in doing so is not quite either.

Freddy vs. Jason (2003)

After ten years of waiting this movie has finally been made-only to be one of the biggest disappointments I’ve ever seen, failing to deliver on every level.It seems like the town of Springwood has tried to erase the memory of Freddy Krueger in order to make him weak and unable to prey on the citizen’s youngsters. Both the police and the local doctors are in on the ‘hush hush’. But Freddy has a plan for a comeback which involves resurrecting Jason Vorhees. Jason starts killing teens, making people afraid, and rumour spreads that Freddy is back. Once they start mentioning his name he gets stronger until he’s able to kill people in their dreams. BUT Jason doesn’t want to stop his killing spree and begins infringing on Freddy’s feeding on souls. That’s when the ‘fight’ starts. At first it takes place in Freddy’s dream world and then Freddy is brought through into reality. Both fights are extremely unsatisfying. Oh, there are also a bunch of generic teen characters who we are supposed to care about and barely notice when they die. Both Jason X and Freddy’s Dead are far far superior to this meandering mess.

Freddy’s Nightmares (1987)

No More Mr. Nice Guy: This first episode of the short-lived 80’s television show tells the story of Freddy’s death, how the townspeople cornered him in the warehouse and burned him to death. Of course, this looks a lot cheaper than the theatrical films, but it’s done surreally enough that it’s disturbing. It indeed captures that nightmarish quality of a bad dream. Freddy introduces the episode and ends it in his sinister way, featuring the Kevin Yagher makeup. Rather than watching the lackluster Nightmare on Elm Street 4 & 5 you should revisit this series.

Frequently Asked Questions About Time Travel (2010)

Ray and his two buddies are drinking at a local pub when Ray encounters a woman, Cassie, who claims she’s a time-traveler from the future. She says it’s one of the perks of her job, to meet famous people. What she does is repair “time leaks”. Ray thinks this is a joke that his friends put her up to but when he goes back they have no idea what he’s talking about.

Then, one of the friends gets up to go to the bathroom and when he returns sees the place in shambles, everyone dead, including an older version of himself. He goes back into the bathroom and when he comes out everything is back to normal. He tells his friends about it and takes them back to the bathroom. They end up a half-hour in the past and try to avoid themselves, then end up in an apocalyptic future with giant ants.

It’s here that they see a painted mural of themselves on a wall. Then, it’s back in time, though still in their future, where people are celebrating some type of holiday in their honor. Whatever one of them had written in his notepad changed history and made them famous. But there are time-travelers who aren’t as friendly as Cassie, the Editors, who want to change time. In this case, the villain wants to kill the trio on the cusp of their

fame. However, there is a way to change all of this but time is running out...

This is a fun time-travel movie, more of a comedy than anything else.

Friday the 13th (2009)

This isn’t so much a remake of the first Friday the 13th movie as it is an amalgamation of the first four movies from that original feature series. The first few minutes is the ending of the original #1, then goes to a situation that’s seen in parts 3 and 4, with a guy searching for his sister and a group of college students partying at a secluded house in the woods. Unfortunately, this house is near the site of the defunct Camp Crystal Lake. There’s a scene where we see that Jason has been worshipping the rotted head of his mother, Mrs. Vorhees, and in another scene, which takes place in an abandoned mine, we see some of the belongings of previous victims, such as a wheelchair, a nod to one of the characters in these earlier movies.

Although Jason is much more intelligent and moves quicker than the original, I didn’t find him all that frightening. He comes off much more like Leatherface in the Texas Chainsaw movies In fact, my favorite Friday the 13th movies are Part 6: Jason Lives, Jason Goes to Hell and Jason X, in which he’s basically a zombie, not just a deformed masked maniac. Another distraction is the casting of Jared Padelecki as the main character...I kept on waiting for Dean from Supernatural to show up and give Jason some wisecracks.

The remake isn’t a bad movie at all—it’s just that I’ve enjoyed many of the original Friday the 13th movies much more.

Friday the 13th VII: The New Blood (1988)

I absolutely hated this Friday the 13th movie when it first came out, primarily because it was such a disappointment after Part VI, which I think is one of the best Friday  films in the series. In that movie Jason was brought back to life by a lightning bolt-and as an undead zombie is truly an unstoppable killing machine. They only way they defeat him is tying a chain around him, attached to a large rock, and sinking him to the bottom of Crystal Lake.

In Part VII we’re introduced to a young woman (Lar Park Lincoln) who has telekinetic powers, able to move objects with her mind. She’s suffering from guilt after accidently killing her father when she was ten years old-and now eight years later her psychiatrist thinks it would be a good thing for her to face her fears and spend time at the very same place where that incident happened-in a cabin on the shores of Crystal Lake. But the doctor does not want to help her-he wants to increase her powers by keeping her stressed out. There’s also a house next door filled with a bunch of college-aged people who are basically fodder for Jason.

The special effects/makeup of Jason is great-through his ripped clothes you can see his rotted looking spinal cord-and when his hockey mask is ripped off you see the decomposed face underneath. He’s truly ferocious looking. As for the story, I can see the reasoning of having an undead Jason pitted against another supernatural being, sort of a precursor to Freddy vs. Jason, which wasn’t that great either. Directed by John Carl Buechler (Trilobite)

Fright Night  (2011)

I loved the original 1985 Tom Holland film. It was fun and scary and survived multiple viewings. So I was somewhat hesitant about this big-budgeted Dreamworks remake.

The updated version relocates to Las Vegas, where Charley Brewster (Anton Yeltchin of Star Trek) and his mom (Toni Collette of The Sixth Sense)  live in a cookie cooker subdivision. Charlie is in high school and only recently hangs out with the “cool people” and has a cute girlfriend, Amy, that loves him. But his ex-best friend “Evil” Ed (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) insists on meeting with him. If he doesn’t agree he says he’ll email embarrassing video (of them playing superhero games) to his new “cool” friends.

So Charley meets his nerdy friend who explains that people are missing in the neighborhood and that it’s because of the new neighbor, Jerry (Colin Farrell). Jerry is a vampire. Of course, Charley doesn’t believe him at first. But when he sees a beautiful next door neighbor go to Jerry’s and hears screaming, he calls the police. The police dismiss it as a crank call. Charley investigates and even breaks into Jerry’s house, where he finds the woman locked in a hidden room. All the while Jerry is aware that Charley is there—and watches him try to rescue the damsel in distress. What happens next is a surprise—and utterly convinces Charley that Jerry is indeed one of the undead.

It’s at this point that Charley goes to find a vampire-killing expert. This is Las Vegas performer Peter Vincent (David Tennant of Doctor Who who turns out to be a drunken douche-bag.

The first hour of the film follows the original movie closely. Then, halfway through, when Charley’s house is set aflame and his family is sent running , it becomes much more of its own movie, which I thought was a smart thing to do. It’s also ingenious having Peter Vincent as a Vegas act. Best of all, actor Colin Farrell fits the part of the vampire well, creepy and sinister. There’s also a cameo by Chris Sarandon, who portrayed the original Jerry. The original Fright Night, along with Lost Boys, started that trend in the mid-80’s with vampires’ faces morphing into a ferocious bat-like-animal face, which had been seen in everything up until Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Here, the end transformation is a computer generated effect, portraying a creature with an all too wide mouth bursting with fangs

This redux of Fright Night, as with the recent re-imagining of Planet of the Apes, is exactly what a remake should be, an homage to the original while standing on its own feet. Highly recommended.

Fright Show (1985)

This 60 minute video, released by Starlog Entertainment, is an anthology of four science fiction films that were winners in the Cinemagic magazine contest way back in the early 80’s. Dr. Dobermind features a young girl who has nightmares about a strange taxidermist who she thinks is out to kill her, Illegal Alien, an effective parody of Alien, Nightfright about a creature under the bed and The Thing in the Basement that features a really cool looking green alien. Although the connecting segways with two ‘Siskel and Ebert’ type reviewers is extremely lame, these shorts are decent.

Fringe: Season One  (2008)

This is an intriguing, unpredictable series co-produced by J.J. Abrams, Alex Kurtzman and Robert Orci. FBI agent Olivia Dunham (Anna Torv) and her partner (who is also her love-interest) are pursuing a suspect through a self-storage facility when it blows up, nearly burning him to death. While that’s serious enough, it has also exposed him to some weird substance that is slowly “melting” him. She does some research and the only person who may have a chance of figuring it out, as it’s similar to some experiments he did years ago, is Dr. Walter Bishop (John Noble), who has been in a mental institution for the past 17 years. The only way for her to get access to him is through is son, Peter (Joshua Jackson) the only person allowed to visit and she convinces him to helping her.

In the first several episodes, The Same Old Story, The Ghost Network, The Arrival, they deal with a serial killer who may be killing in order to stop his aging, a form of psychic communication and a weird burrowing contraption that seems to have a life of its own. Although the two stars, Torv and Jackson, are very well matched and do have a chemistry on screen, the star of the show is John Noble as Walter Bishop. Sometimes he’s like Doctor Frankenstein, not caring about anything except for his experiment, other times he’s like a naive child. And many times he’s outright crazy.

Fringe follows the best traditions of the original Kolchak: The Night Stalker, X-Files and Millenium.

From Beyond (1986)

Crawford Tillinghast (Jeffrey Combs) is assisting Dr. Edward Pretorius on experiments in expanding the brain’s power through frequencies. They open a portal to another dimension inhabited by unpleasant Cthulhu-esque creatures. The first things we see are these floating eel-like creatures and one of them bites Tillinghast. In the opening scene he’s seen running away after someTHING emerged and the police arrest him. When they go up to the attic of the house they find Pretorius dead and missing his head. Soon after a psychiatrist, Dr. Katherine McMichaels (Barbara Crampton) visits Crawford in the mental institution and he insists a creature bit off his mentor’s head. She interested in their unorthodox experiments.

I think this was Brian Yuzna trying to do his own Re-Animator, by reuniting Jeffrey Combs and Barbara Crampton and loosely basing it on an H.P. Lovecraft idea. Nevertheless, it’s a great “Mad Scientist” movie and a prime example of 80’s horror.

From Hell  (2001)

Beautifully shot, well acted period movie about Jack the Ripper—but seems too familiar because the story has been told a zillion times already. Johnny Dep is the opium addicted detective, Heather Graham is Mary, the prostitute with a big heart who is next on the Ripper’s list. Although most of the killing scenes are mostly off-scene they are very intense. If you’re not expecting a new twist on the Jack the Ripper story then you should enjoy this.

From Hell It Came  (1957)

Some call him the Tobanga. Some call him the Tobango. But whatever you call him, he’s still a silly tree monster who looks as if he escaped from the set of The Wizard of Oz.

On an island in the South Pacific the chief’s son is put to death for the death of his father. It was really the father’s best friend, though, the witch doctor, who poisoned him and took over leadership of the tribe. The chief’s son swears that he”ll have revenge-and after they plunge a dagger into his heart and bury him in a wood coffin, he comes back as this gnarled tree stump creature with limited mobility. This is one of those movies that seem as if they were making up the dialogue-and the plot line-as they were going along. And if you haven”t seen this movie before you have to see if once in your life time. Simply describing From Hell It Came doesn’t do it justice.

From the Earth to the Moon (1958)

In this adaptation of the Jules Verne novel, Joseph Cotton is Victor Barbacine, a wealthy eccentric who has managed to ‘tap into the power of the Universe’ and come up with Power X, a substance more destructive than any bomb. After he does a demonstration of its power all of the world’s governments freak out and say that if he goes forward in testing it that this will be perceived as an act of war by the US. President Grant manages to talk Barbacine out of targeting an explosion on the moon, but only gives him another idea. With the help of Nicholl (George Sanders), his arch enemy, Barbacine and company go to work on a missile that they’ll try to fly to the moon via the Power X. They manage to leave Earth’s orbit with a stowaway, the girlfriend of one of the crew, and encounter a serious problem before they make it to the moon. The movie definitely has an antiquated feel to it and the technology (and lack of it) shown is amusing.

From Within (2009)

A teenager shooting himself in the head begins an epidemic of suicides in a small town, which spreads from the dead person to the next victim. Just before they “kill themselves” they see their own double, which compels them to do it. And this has something to do with a curse, began by that first teenager. Years ago his mother was killed by the Fundamental Christian townsfolk for being a witch and this is the revenge.

The main character is a teenaged girl, Lindsay, who befriends Aiden (Thomas Dekker of Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles, Secret Circle). He’s the brother of the first suicide—and he knows more about he curse then he’s telling her. It’s also up to him to stop the curse before everyone in the town—and beyond—dies. From Within is interesting and a very serious horror movie with a grim ending, which is good to see for a change.

Frontiers (2007)

This is a European version of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. A group of young criminals flee a riot in France and end up at a weird hostel in the countryside. The house is run by an ancient Nazi who has instilled in his offspring some odd and twisted values. They pretty much kill and eat anyone who comes their way and every so often “adopt” a female to continue the family line. This time it’s Yasmine (Karina Testa), who has recently discovered she’s pregnant. One of the other women they had kidnapped years ago has had offspring but “something is wrong with them” and she keeps them alive in the old mines beneath the house. There’s nothing quite new here but it is an engaging movie. The one thing that irritated me, though, is that the Yasmine character, when she’s freaking out, starts to rock back and forth, nodding her head like she’s some caged animal in a zoo (which might be the point). Also, I don’t mind reading subtitles but I think in this case Lions Gate was too cheap to have it re-dubbed in English.

Frost: A Vampire’s Tale (2003)

Gary Busey, who is in the movie a cumulative five minutes, bookends this tale of a soldier turning into a vampire. First, the acting is terrible, just terrible. And how many times can they show a guy with a rocket launcher shoot down a helicopter? The action and explosions are as boring as the story. And the vampire? Nothing we haven’t seen a hundred times before.I nominate this movie for one of the worst vampire movies ever.

Frostbiter (1997)

This Michigan lensed horror films owes a great deal to Raimi’s Evil Dead movies, as it is basically follows the same story. An evil spirit is released in the woods, this time a Wendigo—a Native American Evil Spirit—which goes about killing all the humans in the area by transforming into different entities—carnivorous little monsters, a playboy centerfold turned into an old witch and even killer chili! Although it’s another ‘Survive in the cabin for a night movie’ this film has enough low-budget energy, quirky characters and old fashioned effects to satisfy the ardent horror fan. It’s familiar territory revisited in a good way.

Frostbitten (2006)

This is a very cool vampire movie that begins during WWII, with a group of soldiers stumbling across some vampires in a cabin. Then we go to a town in present day Sweden, which is experiencing the winter night. A doctor named Annika has just moved there with her daughter. She’s working at the hospital with a noted geneticist. However, this guy is up to no good because he’s creating some type of experimental vaccine that is really a way to spread the vampirism disease. Some teenagers steal some of these pills and take them to a party—a party which Annika’s daughter is attending. Soon, everyone who drinks the spiked punch starts transforming into bloodsuckers. Some of the situations are funny, such as a vampire being staked with a garden gnome, though the movie is not an outright comedy. Think of it as a lighter version of 30 Days of Night.

Funeral Home (1980)

A young woman goes to help her grandmother run a ‘tourist home’ for the summer. But the tourist home used to be a funeral home and stories of her wicked grandfather begin to surface. And there seems to be someone living in the basement, someone her grandmother whispers to each evening. Strongly influenced by Psycho and made well before the glut of Friday the 13th movies, this is one of the more intelligent slasher movies of the 80’s.

Furnace (2008)

Michael Pare (Streets of Fire, Bad Moon) portrays Detective Michael Turner, perhaps the most polite policeman I’ve ever seen in a movie. It was interesting not to see a “tortured/semi-bad” cop for a change. Prisoners are dying mysteriously at a prison, burned alive, and it’s because of the ghost of a child. While this is creepy it’s also somewhat predictable and has to do with one of the previous Wardens. Tom Sizemore is a mean prison guard who may be responsible for some of the deaths as well.

Fury, The (1978)

This is Brian DePalma’s follow-up to Carrie (1976), about two telekinetic teenagers, based on the John Farris novel. Kirk Douglas portrays Peter Sandza, who works for a secret government organization. When he’s in the Middle East with his son, Robin (Andrew Stevens), some terrorist show up and start shooting at the crowd. This is really a diversion for another agent to snatch his son, who has telekinetic abilities he wants to exploit. It seems as if Peter is killed when his boat explodes but he escapes—and spends the next year trying to find and rescue his boy. He gets help from a woman named Hester (Carrie Snodgrass) who works at a special school, where Gillian (Amy Irving) is a student. She has psychic powers as well— and is linked to what’s going on with Robin. But whereas he can manipulate machinery and objects with his mind she can make people bleed from every orifice. The agents have made his powers grow and this has basically transformed him into a murderous asshole, not a naive teenager. So when Peter finally finds Robin he’s in for a surprise and things don’t go at all as planned. The movie has a very abrupt, though fitting ending, with the explosive demise of evil agent Childress (John Cassavetes, Rosemary’s Baby)

The Fury is an odd movie. It begins like a spy-flick, then turns into something like Stephen King’s Firestarter, with some funny bits with side-characters thrown in for no apparent reason. There’s also brief cameos by Darryl Hannah and Laura Innes (The Event) in one of the school scenes.

Future is Wild, The (2003)

This speculative Animal Planet series presents us with future environments and the animals which inhabit them. In this first show we go to 5 million years in the future, when France is covered by glaciers. There are giant rats that look like mini-bison and a saber-toothed predator that is descended from the wolverine. The Mediterranean is dried up and is a huge salt desert, inhabited by strange lizards and peccary type animals that live in rock outcrops that used to be islands. In the Midwest, now a desert, giant bats hunt for food while birds have prospered underground like moles. This is a cool series and the computer animation used to bring these fantastic creatures to life is well done. My only problem, and this is obviously a budget limitation, is that the re-use too many of the same shots but have different voice-over over it. It made it seem to repetitive at times. Other than that slight irritation it’s one of the more interesting shows on television.

Future Sport (1998)

The video box for this says ‘highly original, turbo-charged sci-fi thrill ride’ but what this movie really turns out to be is a take on the movie Rollerball, but not nearly as intense. Dean Cain (Lois and Clark) portrays Tre Ramzey, the sport’s superstar. Vanessa L Williams is the reporter who had a relationship with him years before. In come a terrorist organization that’s after Ramzey for some reason—and it all ends up with the two opposing sides playing a game of Future Sport instead of having a war. Kind of a no brainer of a movie. Directed by Ernest Dickerson.

“G” Titles

Gabriel (2008)

I think the filmmakers were going for that Sin City/Dark City/The Crow look in terms of production value but the script is so weak and makes little sense,compounded with bad acting, to make this almost unwatchable. The angel Gabriel is sent to Earth, in human form, and he tries to find the other Arc Angels who have disappeared. It turns out that Arc Angel Michael is up to no good and wants Gabriel to join him. Although he’s human he does have healing powers. And all the ex-angels, including him, have these weird colored eyes, which is probably the most memorable thing of the whole movie.

This movie makes the last couple of The Prophecy movies look WAY better than what they are, if that’s any warning to not see this movie.

Galaxis (1995)

I’m sure that when they were pitching the idea for this movie to investors that it was something like ‘think The Terminator, but instead of time-travelers they are aliens from another solar system’. At the start of the film we see rebels fighting the evil forces on a far away planet. The leader and his followers are all dressed in these odd-looking armored outfits (think Roman Legion crossed with a 1950’s TV Space Show). They are trapped within their command center, waiting for the bad guy Kyla (Richard Moll) to show up. But one of the group expresses his desire to bargain with them-and when Kyla does appear, he offers to turn traitor and help him. He’s killed instead. I kept on watching this scene, thinking that the actor (who played the traitor) looked really familiar-and then I realized that it’s Sam Raimi! Boy, I bet he didn’t put this on his resume when he was up for directing Spiderman. Everyone is killed except for the leader’s sister, an Amazonian named Ledera. Of course, who better than portray this role than Brigitte Neilsen. She wears the black armor, has ultra-bleached hair and way too much eye makeup-and sad to say, starting very much to look her age. Anyways, she escapes to Earth, in search of a powerful crystal which will help her win the war against Kyla. An earthman is in possession of the mysterious crystal-and she protects him as Kyla appears and tries to take it. He has this power to produce this crackling energy beam from his hands. I kept on thinking Night Court, though, every time I saw him. Richard Moll isn’t threatening! There are also two police detectives investigating the death and destruction caused by the fights. In one scene, where Ledera and the man are in jail, Kyla appears and tries to kill them, killing many policemen along the way. This scene is very reminiscent of that scene in Terminator, when Arnold breaks into the police station.In the end the good guys win, Ledera tells the earthman how grateful she is and also informs him that he’ll be the new keeper of the crystal.  Galaxis is an entertaining movie, but for all the wrong reasons. The script is bad, the actors horribly miscast, and the entire tone and production values make it seem like a movie made in the late 70’s or early 80’s—and it was made in 1995! It’s also amazing that this movie was even made.

Galaxy of Terror (1980)

In the far future a hand-picked team of space explorers are picked by their leader, “The Master” to go to a strange planet on a rescue mission. This planet, however, houses an ancient pyramid structure that has a strange effect— it brings their fears to life. And it seems a lot of these people have fears of slimy things like worms, since that’s what the majority of the monsters are. This Roger Corman produced movie also arrives on the heels of ALIEN, so there’s a definite similarity there....

The nastiest scene is a woman getting raped by a giant maggot. I think that’s the first time I ever saw that in a movie. It also has a great cast, with Robert Englund (Nightmare on Elm Street), Sid Haig (Beyond Atlantis, The Devil’s Rejects) and Ray Walston (Star Trek: The Next Generation, My Favorite Martian). It’s also Erin Moran’s (Happy Days) feature debut. While the special effects are good, the movie is almost totally lacking in characterization, which is a bit tough when the whole gist of the story are these people confronting their worst fears. It’s basically a ninety-minute movie that needs about another forty-five minutes of character development. James Cameron was one of the production designers, so the movie looks very familiar, like his Terminator and Aliens.

Gamer (2009)

The premise is that shortly in the future people will be participating in games in which they control other people like puppets via a neural interface. One of these games is called Society, in which people do whatever they want. The most recent form of entertainment is “Slayers”, which pits convicted murderers against one another. If they survive for 30 games they are granted freedom, but no one has ever survived to 30. That is, until Kable (Gerard Butler) came along. The billionaire who came up with all of this is Ken Castle (Michael C. Hall of Dexter) and they guy is out of control. When in “fight mode” Kable is controlled by a seventeen-year-old named Simon, who he can communicate with. When things get out of hand and Castle tries to kill him, he gets Simon’s help to escape. There’s also a parallel story about Kable’s wife, Angie (the wooden Amber Valletta) who works as a puppet in Society. Their child was taken away from them when Kable was arrested for murder.

Although there is plenty of violence and cgi gore, this movie is an utter mess. There are even two writer/directors, who cancel each other since it seems as if there were no writers or directors. The movie is an aimless mishmash with pointless action scenes and zero characterization. And Lloyd Kaufman has a five second cameo for some reason. Gamer is a complete bore. Your time is much better spent watching either Death Race movie.

Gamera the Brave (2006)

This new Gamera movie (I’m assuming the first in a series) takes the giant turtle back to being much more of a ‘monster for kids’. The film begins thirty years in the past, with Gamera sacrificing himself to save the inhabitants of a small coastal village. In the present, a young boy, who has recently lost his mother, finds a mysteriously glowing stone in that same area along with a turtle egg. It hatches and he keeps the turtle though he’s not supposed to have pets since his father runs the restaurant they live above. The turtle soon does a weird thing—-it flies. Then, it begins to grow to an enormous size, which is good because it’s around the same time that evil monster Jidas shows up. Jidas is sinister and violent, appearing very much like a crocodilian dragon.

I did find this new Kaiju movie much more entertaining than the overhyped The Host.

And yes, I am a big Gamera fan.

Gangs of the Dead  (2007)

A meteor crash lands in a secluded part of Los Angeles, killing and resurrecting a group of homeless people who converge on a warehouse where the members of two rival gangs are doing a deal. Their supplier is Reggie Bannister (The Rage, Phantasm movies) and what he’s supplying is later revealed as a big plot point. However, as with most recent horror movies, this is all but a cameo for Bannister, who should really be headlining a movie. Anyways, it’s The Night of the Living Dead  scenario as some new survivors are introduced, such as the local weatherman, who has taken a wrong turn, and the cops who were on a stakeout at the warehouse. The zombies are nasty looking and slow moving for a change. The ending is predictable enough (more meteors!) but the movie is entertaining and worth checking out, particularly if you’re a fan of the zombie genre. Originally titled Last Rites.

Garden, The  (2006)

As with Demon Hunter, another Stephen J. Cannell produced direct-to-dvd horror movie, The Garden is lacking in the script department. The story concerns a young boy who has these strange dreams about a big, twisted tree, which is supposedly the “Tree of Knowledge” from the bible. He and his father (Brian Wimmer of China Beach, Late for Dinner) are driving and get in an accident. The boy wakes up to find that they’re in a house run by a creepy Lance Henriksen-and that his father has decided that they’re going to live there for a while, while he does odd jobs around the ranch. The kid thinks something is up with Henriksen and he’s right, as he seems to be Satan. There’s also four horses kept in the barn, horses which belong to The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. A spooky looking Sean Young is also on hand. What it’s all about is unclear.

Gargoyle Girls (1998)

Joe LaPenna, probably best known for his effects work on Tales from the Darkside and Carl J. Sukenick’s Alien Beasts, makes his feature debut about two female gargoyles who are released from their supernatural imprisonment after five hundred years by a would-be magician. In gargoyle form they have horns, sloping foreheads and batlike wings and fly around New York City in computer generated form. When they transform into their human guises they are two ladies, one a blonde (Sasha Graham portrayiing the good one), the other a brunette (Sonja Ray as the evil one). The good gargoyle befriends the magician while the bad one goes her own way, killing several people in the city. There’s lots of exposition between the two leads, a typical ‘fish out of water’ story, and finally a confrontation between the gargoyles high above the city via some cool special effects. The poor choice of the male lead, Michael D’Asaro, who is extremely irritating and non-acting,brings the film down a few dozen notches with his ‘portrayal’ of a sensitive goombah. There’s also some of the most jarring continuity problems I can recollect seeing in a movie. For example, when Graham transforms into a gargoyle her hair is brown but when in human form she is blonde-which changes to brunette by the end of the movie. But the good points of the film outweigh its faults. The effects and title sequence are decent and ambitious for a low budget project the two female leads are great. Sasha Graham upgrades the project in portraying the very likeable Gwendolyn gargoyle and Sonja Ray is extremely good in portraying the evil Diana-she was born to play a villain if anyone ever was! All in all, a movie done halfway right.

Gargoyle: Wings of Darkness (2004)

In this extremely boring monster movie Michael Pare is an American agent in Eastern Europe who encounters this ancient creature. It has recently awakened and is snatching up people and dropping them from great heights (though it doesn’t seem to eat them or anything).The local priest is harboring the creature and its brood, which are ready to hatch from these Alien-esque looking egg pods. This is very similar to those stupid gargoyle creatures in Van Helsing. All these murders are happening and the agents believe it’s due to a Dracula cult in the area-and only believe it’s the Gargoyle when they encounter it at the end. A snoozer. If you want to see a great gargoyle movie check out the 70’s Gargoyles movie.

Garuda (2004)

A French archeologist is in Bangkok uncovering some ancient ruins and comes across some ruins which depict a flying creature. Years later the city is constructing subway tunnels in the same area and awaken a hibernating creature who was last seen nearly ten thousand years ago. The archeologist’s half-Thai daughter is continuing her father’s work but doesn’t get much help from the city. After the tenth time someone made a comment about how she’s a half-caste or a foreigner I was like “Enough already, I get it, people in Thailand are prejudiced”. Hit me over the head, why don’t you? I wanted to see more of the monster and learn less about modern Thai culture, to tell you the truth.

Garuda tries to be a DaiKaiju (Giant Monster) movie but falls short. The creature is only twenty-feet tall and is computer generated.

Gate, The (1987)

In the suburbs, lightning strikes an old tree and reveals a gaping hole beneath. It’s covered with dirt and sod, but reappears the next day. Glen (a young Stephen Dorff of Fear.com) and his two friends soon discover it’s a gateway to Hell. One of his friends, Terry, messes with the lyrics of a slain Heavy Metal Band, which makes things even worse. These little, evil looking demons, up there with the creatures from the original Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark, start causing havoc. Things get out of hand when Glen’s parents go on a trip, leaving him with his older sister, who throws a party with her friends. They are mostly a bunch of assholes. The movie is obviously influenced by Poltergeist (1982), though has enough differences to make it interesting. The stop-motion animation, particularly the big monster that shows up at the end, is great.

Gates of Hell 2: Dead Awakening, The(1997)

The box for this stinker has a quote that says ‘dedicated to the Memory of Lucio Fulci’ and that—and the ripoff title—is the only connection to that director’s film. An occultist group initiates its members into joining with the ‘Darkness of Death’ and resurrects a hideous monster that turns out to be some skinny guy in sub-par prosthetics. Uninteresting characters run around in shadows, firing machine guns and driving their cars down various city streets. Other than that, there’s not much excitement. I must admit, though, that the filmmakers have big cajones touting this as a Fulci sequel. If only they took that gumption and tried making a passable movie....

Gates, The (2010)

This is a new supernatural TV show about a gated community, a town, actually, that includes various supernatural neighbors, from witches to vampires to werewolves. There are certain rules they have to obey, namely, not killing each other and living in peace. Basically, the community protects them from the outside world, which is a dangerous place for these creatures. The story begins with the arrival of the new police chief, Captain Monaghan, who comes from Chicago along his wife and son, Charlie, and daughter. It’s a big adjustment for everyone. But the police chief thinks something is up with the whole town, but can’t put his finger on it. At the end of the first episode they discover that the former chief has been murdered—and it looks to be by wolves.

A handyman is injured and resident Claire (Rhona Mitra of Rise of the Lycans) offers to help him. But when she sees his blood she can’t resist and drains him dry. This really upsets her husband, Dylan. Basically, Claire is like an alcoholic who can’t stay sober. But they had adopted a human child to raise and this could jeopardize them all. Of course, Chief Monaghan investigates the disappearance. Monaghan’s son, Charlie, has a crush on cut girl Andie Bates. But Andie is dating Brett, the football jock. Oh, and Brett is a werewolf. Things become more complicated when it’s revealed that Andie’s mother was a succubus—and she might have those same soul sucking abilities. Brett is having anger issues, trashing the restrooms at school, and begins to run with a pack of werewolves who sneak out of boundaries of The Gates at night. There’s also a few witches in town, including the blonde Devon (Chandra West of White Noise). Devon and Claire are clearly enemies. Basically, The Gates is Desperate Housewives meets Dark Shadows. After the first three episodes I’m not quite decided if I’m hooked on it yet....

Gathering, The  (2007)

A blonde Christina Ricci (Cursed) finds herself in a small English town, lacking memory of who she is or why she is there. She is taken in by a local couple, the husband of which is an archeologist uncovering the ruins of an ancient Church. This church is different than others though, in that the focus is not on Christ’s crucifixion but on the group of onlookers who watched him die and did nothing to help him. The premise is that every time a horrible crime or disaster happens this group of onlookers appears and watches, as they are cursed to do for eternity. Or are they? If you’re a fan of movies such as The Omen (original!) or The Wicker Man (original!) then you’ll enjoy this creepy treat. Recommended.

Gemini Division (2008)

Anna Diaz (Rosario Dawson of Clerks II, Sin City) and her boyfriend Nick (Justin Hartley, Green Arrow from Smallville) are on vacation in Paris when something very strange happens to him. He goes in this sort of coma, which totally freaks her out, then goes back to normal. She suspects something is up, particularly when she notices that some strange guy is following them around Paris. When Nick leaves one night she follows him to a warehouse and watches as he meets with an older, scientist-looking guy. Then some others break in and shoot him—and he appears to melt. Because she’s a police detective she tries to uncover what is going on but knows that people may be after her. Most of the story is presented as her talking to her cell-phone camera, which works for the most part, then goes to various flashbacks as she talks about something. I’ve only seen the first six webisodes and they are intriguing.

Generation Ax (1999)

Although the premise of this movie may sound familiar-insane students killing their peers-what sets this gem apart is its attitude and sarcastic tone, which has you rooting for the psychotic protagonists as they rid society of some extremely irritating individuals. A very cathartic movie, if you liked Heathers or Natural Born Killers.

George and the Dragon (2004)

This is a tame, slight comedy about the legend of St. George and the Dragon, starring James Purefoy (Rome) as warrior George and Piper Perabo (The Cave, Bullwinkle) as the Princess Luma. Michael Clarke Duncan (Green Mile) shines as Tarik, the Moor warrior who is George’s best friend. There’s also a five-minute cameo by Val Kilmer (Island of Dr. Moreau) as an evil knight. The premise is that the king’s daughter is missing and everyone is trying to find her, including the man she is promised to marry (a weird looking Patrick Swayze). George finds her hiding out in a cave, protecting the last dragon egg. George wants to destroy it and tries a few times, only to be knocked out by the princess. The big failing of the movie is the dragons, which are very cartoon-looking. I suspect they ran out of budget and have to make do with some bargain-basement effects.

Ghost Chase (1988)

This is a weird, uneven movie. Two buddies, presumably in their late teens, are making a low-budget horror movie. Their main actress (Jill Whitlow of Night of the Creeps, Twice Dead) doesn’t like Warren (Jason Lively) and backs out. Warren, the only surviving member of his family, finds out that his grandfather’s will has only left him an old clock at a pawn shop. This upsets him because he knows gramps was loaded with money-but where is it? He and his director friend place the clock in their apartment and that night a ghost comes out of it. The ghost is of Louis, who was the butler to the grandfather-and who was also killed by him. Warren’s friend has a dream about the clock, Louis and the grandfather’s house-and when he awakens is inspired to make another movie. So he builds a replica of the old house and also an animatronic ‘Louis’. Of course, when the Butler’s ghost reappears he inhabits this fascimilie, which freaks out the two friends. . The actress, who is coerced to coming back to working on the film, also finds out about him. Louis, however, knows where Warren’s grandfather had hidden his fortune. Years ago he had Louis brick him up in a room with all of the money. When the butler was done and left, carrying the clock with him, he dies from poison given to him by the evil grandfather, taking the secret with him until now. Louis feels he must show Warren where the money is before he can have his final resting place. However, the old house is located in Hollywood, completely surrounded by a movie studio that specializes in horror movies, so they have to figure out on how to get inside. They do-and locate the hidden room-but not before the grandfather’s ghost reappears, reanimating a suit of armor to stop them. The movie studio is also going to explode the old house just as all of them are inside it. Ghost Chase mostly seems like a kid’s movie, except for all of the moderate swearing, and the acting is okay. I thought is odd that both Jason Lively and Jill Whitlow, stars of Night of the Creeps, are both in this. The Louis character is simply weird. He looks like Yoda from Star Wars, not a man at all. Was he even supposed to be human to begin with? There’s also plenty of bad 80’s music and a theme song that sounds way too close to the music of Ghostbusters. I’d recommend seeing the movie only as a curiousity.I believe this is also the first movie directed by Roland Emmerich (Stargate, The Day After Tomorrow, Independence Day, 2012), who also wrote the screenplay!

Ghost Dance (1984)

A mummified Amerindian corpse from the late 1880’s is unearthed by a female archeologist, a corpse that turns out to be a renegade member of the Ghost Dance Religion. The followers believed that the white man would miraculously disappear from the land and that all the buffalo herds and animals would reappear, how it once was before the reservations. Yet this particular follower went out and took matters into his own hands. He and his anglo wife went on a killing rampage. Now, with his grave disturbed, his spirit possesses an indian who tries to loot his grave and the new killings begin. It turns out that the woman archeologist is his reincarnated wife.

Ghost Lake (2005)

A young woman retreats to the family cottage by the lake following the accidental death of her parents. While she was on a date and having sex they asphyxiated in a gas leak-and she found them dead as a doornail when she returned home. On her way to the cottage she picks up a man, who she later has relations with. He seems like he wants to be her friend but there may clearly be something more nefarious with his intentions. Soon, she starts seeing what appear to be ghost/zombies and no one believes her. She does some research at the local library and discovers that on the thirteenth day of the month every thirteen years people drown in the lake. It’s as if the spirits need to fulfill their death quota. She confides in her new boyfriend and he is willing to help her put an end to this. There are some decent makeup and visual effects, particularly with the little dead girl, and a higher production value than I normally see with these shot-on-digital video movies. Directed by Jay Woelfel (Beyond Dreams Door).

Ghost Machine (2009)

The first eight minutes or so of the movie shows shows a hooded woman being tortured and then, to “9 Years Later”, in which a group of army commandos shoot their way out of a building against some bad odds. Then the soldiers are taken out of the virtual reality game they are testing. I was trying to figure out how those two different scenes are connected but it’s explained during the movie. Tom and Vic (Alex O’Connell from the Tomb of the Dragon Emperor) are the technicians for this new system of battle training. Tom is pompous and seems like he’s always up to something. Vic is dating a soldier, Jess (Rachael Taylor of Shutter). As it’s the weekend, the guys decide to “borrow” the system and take it to an old closed down prison in order to play some games. Vic has gathered two of his friends. One of them is a guard who works there and the other is a top gamer. They are excited to play. Meanwhile, Vic’s girlfriend Jess (who must be the best looking soldier in the world), has decided to stay back at the army camp. But after she’s nearly assaulted by her angry sergeant, Taggert, in the shower, she decides to leave and meet her friends. This doesn’t sit well with her commander so he follows her.

Back at the prison they begin playing the game. They have mapped out the interior of the place with many cameras, which has created a virtual reality version of it. The two friends find themselves in military uniforms and have weapons which they start using against their numerous adversaries. It’s just like that POV scene at the beginning of the movie. Then something strange begins to happen. Another presence joins them, which looks like a disheveled woman. Back in reality Tom sees this on the computer as an anomaly. Yet, he seems more excited than worried. It’s not until one of the gamers disappears off the grid that this changes. At this point they have to find where he’s been hidden or else he will not be able to wake up. Jess shows up just in time and since she has actual military training volunteers for the job. What ensues is a battle against this creature, who can also change the virtual landscape by hiding stairwells and creating new walls.

The problem I have with most movies that takes place in “Virtual Reality” (such as the Harsh Realm television series) is that while this is all happening in the character’s minds it’s not real so I don’t care so much what happens to them. But Ghost Machine effectively deals with this. While the ghost can create cold spots and give people goosebumps in reality, it can do far more damage in the virtual reality, to such an extent that if she rips them to pieces there they get ripped to shreds in real life. Ghost Machine also benefits from a solid script by writer Sven Hughes (in a dvd extra he talks about how he’s had this script idea for nearly a decade) and a few protagonists you care about. Oh, and the Ghost of the title is incredibly vicious. Recommended.

Ghost Rider (2007)

This is one of the worse Marvel comics adaptations, better than the snoozer Man Thing and not quite as bad as the abysmal Elektra. As soon as the prologue began, with Sam Elliott talking about the history of the Ghost Riders and a stolen contract of souls, I knew there was a problem. The story goes into a stereotypical Hollywood romance, with a teenaged carnival motorcycle driver by the name of Johnny Blaze in love with a young woman, which all comes to an end when he makes a deal with the devil to prevent his father from dying of cancer. The movie then skips fifteen or twenty-years, which is unclear, probably because Nicolas Cage looks like he’s at least ten years older than Eva Mendez (and they are supposed to be the same age). It’s then that the devil (Peter Fonda hamming it up) comes to collect, transforming Blaze into his bounty hunter, The Ghost Rider. The first transformation into this otherworldly being is cool, as is his riding up and down the side of a skyscraper, but I started to get weary of this the last forty-minutes of the movie, when he seemed to do this every five minutes.

The script is sloppy, the writers not committing to this being a horror movie, an action movie, a love story or even a comedy, complete with cardboard characters and huge plot-holes. There are no surprises here and several times I wanted to get up and leave the theater, primarily because I was bored and knew exactly how this lackluster movie was going to end. I wouldn’t even recommend Ghost Rider as a dvd rental.

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance  (2011)

Johnny Blaze, none too happy that he transforms into a fiery demon, is bumming around Eastern Europe. The leader of a group of monks, Moreau (Idris Elba of Luther), asks his help to save a young boy from the clutches of the devil (Cieren Hinds of Woman in Black, Rome, John Carter)  The crux of the movie is that he has to protect a child, who is the devil’s offspring.  This sequel is far better than the first movie, with the Ghost Rider much more malevolent. It’s what Punisher: Warzone is to the first Punisher movie.

Ghost Rig (2003)

Judging by the preview and the artwork for this movie I thought it would be similar to last year’s Ghost Ship Instead, it has much more in common with The Hidden or The Thing. A group of environmental activists stow aboard an oil rig that is to be sunk. They search the structure and can’t find any of the remaining workers, who are expected to be there. Not a trace of them. Then one of the group mysteriously dies, without a mark on him. They attribute it to a heart-attack-but it’s something much more sinister. Things are soon discovered—ruinic symbols on a floor, a videotape of the crewmembers performing some ancient supernatural ritual. Soon we find out that an evil entity is body-hopping from one person to the next-and there are only a few survivors left. One of them is a wheel-bound man who used to work on the rig, who knows something critical that the others don’t. Although there’s not a lot of gore and it tends to be dialogue heavy at times, particularly with the ‘video diary’ segments, an effective sense of suspense is created and the atmosphere is suitably creepy.

Ghost Ship (2003)

Much better than I thought it would be, with one of the downright nastiest mass death scenes I think EVER put in a movie. And that scene is in the first five minutes! They not only show this once but twice! A salvage boat, captained by Gabriel Byrne, discovers a long lost luxury liner from the 60’s. The man who told them about this is a pilot, who had seen it from the air. They find the ship, board it, and soon all the salvage crew start seeing ghostly apparitions. All but one of them is malevolent, the ghost of a ten-year-old girl, who tries to warn them of the danger. But what exactly is that danger?It was kind of obvious what was going to happen to most of the characters but the ending of the movie did surprise me. I did not see that coming. Although not as creepy as Death Ship, from the 80’s, it’s still worth seeing.

Ghost Son (2008)

Laura Harring (The Punisher, Mulholland Drive) portrays the American wife of Mark (John Hannah of Spartacus: Blood and Sand), a man who owns a ranch in South Africa. He’s killed in a car accident, after a bad omen involving a hyena, and she soon finds out that she’s pregnant. She has the kid and suspects that it’s possessed by the spirit of her dead husband. There are some unsettling scenes, such as when the baby bites her nipple to a bloody mess when she’s breast feeding, and when it’s able to speedily crawl around and even stand up, though he’s only a few months old. What I don’t understand are these movies when a character dies, a character who wasn’t evil to begin with, and comes back wanting the death of their loved one. The only way she gets rid of her husband’s spirit is to tell him she doesn’t love him—-and he’s able to go to the spirit world. Directed by Lamberto Bava, whose track record isn’t that great to begin with.

Ghost Town (2008)

Betram Pincus (Ricky Gervais) is a New York City dentist who has sub-zero people skills. He likes being a dentist because he doesn’t have to listen to people talk. He also likes his mundane, controllable routine. This changes, however, when he goes in for a routine medical procedure and dies for a short time before they can bring him back. The doctors don’t tell him that he died— he finds out when he starts seeing all the ghosts that inhabit the city. Think of Ghost Whisperer, only Pincus doesn’t want to help any of the ghosts. One spirit, in particular, won’t leave him alone, the ghost of a businessman, Frank (Greg Kinnear) who has some unfinished business with his wife, Gwen (Tea Leoni). He thinks that he has to get her to break up with her new boyfriend, who he thinks is a jerk. But Pincus is interested in her, much to Frank’s dismay, and it’s a relationship that may indeed change him and how he sees the world—and its ghosts.

This is a very funny movie, sort of a spoof of shows like Haunted, Medium and Ghost Whisperer.

Ghost Whisperer (2005)

This is a ‘G-Rated’ version of Medium.  Whereas that show deals with murders and crimes, this is simply about spirits who need to resolve some issue before they can go to ‘the other side’. They do this with the help of Melinda (Jennifer Love Hewitt), who has had this spirit-speaking gift since she was a child. Some of the stories are very emotional, such as the one about ghost orphans who refuse to leave a building being torn down. Hewitt is good in the role, though maybe a little bit too ‘cutesy’, and it’s the best thing she’s been in since the I Know What You Did Last Summer movies.

Ghosts of Edendale, The (2003)

A young couple (Paula Ficara, Stephen Wastell) moves into a section of Hollywood where an old silent movie studio used to stand. They soon meet their neighbors, who are all very helpful. Too helpful. The longer they stay in the house the more they encounter the ghosts that remain. The guy, a screenwriter, is eventually seduced by its power and is willing to sacrifice his relationship in order to become a successful Hollywood scriptwriter. The acting between the two leads is leaden and lacks any sense of chemistry-you never for a moment believe these two are in a relationship, which tends to weaken the plot as their deterioration of that relationship is the main theme of the movie. It’s also heavily influenced by two horror films, The Shining (with Jack Torrance remaining behind) and Burnt Offerings (where the house basically consumes its occupants and makes them a part of its history).The movie is worth seeing, though, just to see the special effects. For computer digital effects they are very subtle and appropriate to the story.From Stefan Avalos, who previously did the over-rated The Last Broadcast.

Ghosts of Mars (2001)

John Carpenter’s newest film is a HUGE disappointment, cannibalizing ideas and characters from his own Assault on Precinct 13 and Escape from New York. Natasha Henstridge, who is best relegated to non-speaking roles, portrays the ‘Kurt Russell’ character, a policewoman on Mars in charge of transporting a prisoner to another colony. Yet when they arrive in the mining town to pick him up they find most of the inhabitants slaughtered and missing their heads. It seems that some of these colonists are possessed by the long dead martian spirits—and they want to rid Mars of the human invaders. When the possessed humans attack, Henstridge and her colleagues take cover in one of the buildings and try to figure out how to get out alive. Although very similar to Assault there is no sense of danger, no attachment to the characters. Ghosts of Mars also features some of the worst looking miniatures I’ve seen since Meteor.

Ghoul (2012)

Based on the novel by horror author Brian Keene, this is about a group of boy friends in the 1980’s and a monster that lives in their town. They have an underground fort—but there may be something else down there. The main character loses his grandfather, which leaves him to deal with his asshole father. But his friend’s have it worse. One of their mother’s sexually abuses her son and the other kid is regularly beaten by his father sporting black eyes and bloody lips. The makeup of the monster sucks, everything is too brightly lit and it kept on making me think about Stand by Me, a movie that’s about a million times better. Andrew van den Houten (Offspring) is one of the producers—and this is probably the worst movie he’s been involved with. Disappointing adaptation, all around.

Ghouligans, The(2006)

This sixty-minute DVD features a gang of “Classic Monsters”, which include a Frankenstein monster, a Dracula wannabee, a wolfman and a depressed zombie, who is both physically and mentally falling apart. Almost all the shorts are in black and white and, along with the soundtrack of modern Surf and Rockabilly songs, successfully creates the mood of such movies as The Horror of Party Beach. Although some of the shorts are just so-so, the majority of them are funny and entertaining. If you enjoy The Munsters or the old Saturday Morning The Monster Squad show, you’ll love The Ghouligans.

Ghouls, The (2005)

This over-rated horror movie is short on the monsters and long on the preachiness. Videographer Eric is an ‘ambulance chaser’, shooting such things as kids dying in burning buildings and a man stabbing a woman to death. One night he videotapes what he at first thinks is a woman being raped by a gang-but it turns out that they are actually EATING her. One of them turns around to show its face and it looks like a monster. This spooks him and he runs-and takes his footage to this guy he sells the footage to. But he forgot to put a tape in the camera so there’s nothing to show. He’s kicked out of the office. Eric has also just broken up with his girlfriend, the only person he gives a darn about. She doesn’t want anything to do with him after she found out what he does-making a living on others’ suffering and death. He eventually goes to investigate the murder he had witnessed and questions a homeless guy who says that the ghouls have ‘always been here’. Accompanying him is another videographer who gets attacked and dragged down into the ghouls’ den. When Eric finds him he’s barely alive, with most of the skin eaten off of his face. It’s a gruesome, painful scene-and the best in the movie. Eric also deals with the ghouls-it’s as if in destroying them he’s destroying the part of himself that’s like these creatures, living off of the dead. So the title not only refers to the monsters but to him. The Ghouls isn’t a bad movie at all, just that it’s incredibly difficult to relate to the main characters and I found it a bit disappointing that the ghouls aren’t in it enough. However, it is a gritty, hard-edged horror movie, which you hardly see anymore.

Ghouls (2008)

A professor (William Atherton of Real Genius, Die Hard 2) takes his daughter back with him to the “old country” to attend the funeral of his mother. But it’s a strange, backwards town harboring a dark secret. In the movie they aren’t called ghouls at all but Ancients and they want to bring back their kind into the world through possessing the daughter, so it’s up to her to stop it. The makeup effects are creepy, but these aren’t ghouls and the title is misleading. Regardless, it’s a forgettable movie.

Giant Behemoth, The  (1959)

This is very much along the lines of The Beast  20,000 Leagues and Reptilicus. A giant reptilian mutant has appeared off the coast of England. It’s so radioactive that it literally fries anyone who comes in its path. While I do have a fondness fro stop-motion animation, these effects are mixed with puppets of the creatures head, which simply doesn’t work, as it looks too fake.

Giant Claw, The (1957)

A jet pilot (Jeff Morrow), on a test run, encounters a UFO during the flight. Of course, no one believes him. That is, until they witness what the unidentified object is—a humongous, vulture-like alien bird that flies at supersonic speed. This is a weird movie because all of the actors play everything straight—but when we see clips of the monster, which is basically a goofy looking puppet—you can’t help but chuckle. I would love to see someone re-do the special effects for this movie, like what was done with Rocketship X-M a while back. It would give it a bit more punch.

Giant Spider Invasion, The (1975)

Of course, The Giant Spider Invasion is not nearly as good as I remembered, boasting lame special effects and even worse acting, yet it still retains its B-movie charm. The story concerns a small black hole that has crashed to Earth, bringing with it geodes that have these tarantulas inside them. The spiders quickly grow to enormous size, first killing cattle and then humans. When the best actor in the movie is Alan Hale, Jr (The Skipper on Gilligan’s Island) you know you’re not in for Academy Award winning performances. Also, the lead actor who is supposed to be from N.A.S.A. looks just like Ron Jeremy (I noticed this because Jeremy was in Creepies, a recent giant spider movie). Nonetheless, if you want to see crowds of people running away from a car disguised as a giant spider, this is your movie. Directed by Bill Rebane (The Alpha Incident, Rana)

Gift, The (2000)

Sam Raimi’s gothic ghost story, featuring Kate Blanchett as a psychic who becomes involved in a murder case, reminded me of an episode of American Gothic (which Raimi co-produced). In fact, Gary Cole, the star of that show, portrays one of the characters. Although the performances are top-notch and there are some genuinely creepy moments, the ‘twist ending’ was so predictable it left me rather irritated. If it wasn’t for The Sixth Sense this movie probably would not have been made.

Ginger Snaps 2 (2004)

The surviving sister of the first movie, now infected with the werewolf blood, is on the run from a male werewolf that is following her. She injects herself with an extract of moonbane, which holds off the transformation. But one time, after a particularly bad reaction to this substance (which is a poison), she finds herself a prisoner in a drug rehabilitation clinic. They think she’s getting high on the stuff. Unable to take her moonbane she starts to transform-first her ears becoming pointed and then excess body hair. Rather than just changing at the full moon-these werewolves gradually transform from humans into the monsters, with no returning. With the help of another girl, named Ghost, who is being kept at the clinic, she manages to escape. They go to Ghost’s house and hope to stop the male werewolf. The back story on Ghost is that her grandmother had caught on fire-and she’s being held at the clinic because there’s no other place to keep her until social services decides where to place her. Eventually it’s revealed that her grandmother catching on fire wasn’t exactly an accident, which changes the whole tide of events here. The werewolf effects, by KNB, are better than in the first movie-and it’s also much more gory. I’d even say that this sequel is better than the original.

Ginger Snaps Back (2004)

In this prequel, which takes place over a hundred years ago, the two sisters find themselves traveling alone in the wilderness. After they come upon a medicine woman, who warns them that something bad may happen to them, Bridgit (Emily Perkins) gets her foot caught in the teeth of an animal trap. Ginger (Katharine Isabelle) goes for help but not before an indian trapper shows up and helps them. They come upon a nearby fort, which is owned by a trading company, and is inhabited by a group of paranoid survivors. They are under siege by werewolves, who turn out to be what remains of the rescue party sent two months before. The man in charge of the fort is secretly keeping his wolf-transforming son alive, the preacher is insane and has it out for the two sisters, and we’re not exactly sure where the Indian warrior stands. Emily is bitten by this little werewolf and starts to transform. The men kick her out of the fort-and when she returns for her sister she brings along the entire wolf pack. And these are some mean looking werewolves. What I like about the Ginger Snaps movies is that while the theme about the sisters remains the same, they are all very different from one another.

Gingerdead Man, The (2006)

Although Gary Busey appears in this for only the first five minutes as a crazy serial killer, it’s a great five minutes—and he does do the voice of the insane cookie man he comes back as. The premise is that he is caught and put to death - and his mother sends his ashes, labeled as “gingerbread seasoning” to the bakery where he committed his last crime. What happens is that his spirit animates this gingerbread man and he tries to kill the people who work there. Simple enough. The movie is along the lines of The Child’s Play movies,  though Full Moon didn’t quite have enough dough to pull off the needed special effects. Directed by Charles Band.

Girl Next Door, The  (2007)

Twenty-years ago it was inconceivable that someone would even attempt to adapt Jack Ketchum’s infamous book into a movie, but with the advent of the ‘tortorr’ (torture-horror) movie in recent years, times have finally caught up with it’and maybe even surpassed it. Compared to such fare as the SAW movies it’s not quite so horrifying as when I originally read the book. Yes, it is a faithful and well-produced adaptation of the novel but I think it was made twenty-years too late.

Glass Trap (2005)

This Ed Raymond (Fred Olen Ray) directed giant ant movie is a pale comparison to either Them! or Empire of the Ants. A bunch of tropical plants are dropped off at an office building, on a Saturday. Somehow these dozens of three foot long ants have managed to hide in the foliage without anyone noticing. Unfortunately (for both them and the viewer), there are people inside the building-and they have to try to survive and make it to the roof before they are eaten by these really fake, plastic looking insects. The ‘hero’ character is C. Thomas Howell, who is in every other low-budget horror movie lately (and he was also in a killer bee movie a few years ago). Avoid this movie-it is a trap!

Goatsucker (2009)

A blonde woman runs frantically through the woods to a cabin. But before she can unlock the door a three-clawed hand swipes down, killing her. Then, a local farmer is driving along in his truck when he hits someTHING with his car. A scientist in a white lab coat explains everything about El Chupacabra, The Goat Sucker, and states that the mysterious creature is real. This turns out to be a promotional commercial for Hidden Valley Hiking Tours. We then go to a group of hikers waiting for their tour guide to show up. But she isn’t going to show up since she was the girl slaughtered at the beginning of the movie. So another woman takes up the mantle and the odd group of sightseers venture into the forest. Meanwhile, a girl named Cassie is obsessed with finding and killing the Chupacabra since she believes it killed her boyfriend. Everyone else, including her worried father, says it was a bear but she doesn’t believe that one bit.

On the hiking tour a young guy named Alan is dismayed to see that his girlfriend Rhonda also showed up. Although she’s the best looking cast member he rejects her. Instead, he has sex with an older and much more unattractive lady. To try to make Alan jealous Rhonda cuddles up with the nerdy, overweight Eugene, who has secretly had a crush on her. This is a mistake since Eugene goes to great lengths to eliminate the competition. The hikers lose their guide and get lost in the woods only to stumble upon that farmer we saw at the beginning of the movie. He’s not too keen in helping them out and tells them how to get back to the hiking trail. You see, he has a secret. In fact, the Goatsucker turns out to be something totally unexpected.

Goatsucker is an entertaining micro-budget horror movie with quirky characters, just enough gore and an original explanation of El Chupacabra. Recommended.

Goblin (2010)

This horror fairy tale begins in a small town in the early 1800’s, with the inhabitants making sacrifices to a huge bonfire. One of these sacrifices is a deformed child, who they deem unclean. This ticks off the mother, who turns out to be a witch, and she starts reciting a curse as the baby burns. It starts changing shape and then emerges as a fully-grown computer generated Goblin and proceeds to kill everyone. Then we go to “October, Present Day” and to a family that has moved into the area. This is Neil Perkins (Gil Bellows) and his new wife. He’s having problems with his teenaged daughter from his first marriage. There’s a crazy old guy who knows about the curse and warns them but by the time they heed him it’s too late. The creature kidnaps his new baby and he’ll do anything to get the child back. This Syfy movie isn’t one of the worst I’ve seen but it also isn’t one of the best. As for the creature itself, it looks much better when it’s disguised in an old monk-robe and we can only see its eyes and teeth. The computer animated monster is lame.

Godsend, The (1982)

This English Killer Kid movie is basically another take on ‘The Bad Seed’. Kate and Alan Marlow befriend a pregnant woman who wanders into their meadow during a family picnic. By morning the stranger has disappeared, leaving behind her newborn daughter Bonnie who is only a few months younger than the Marlow’s own infant son. Then, the son mysteriously dies and the deaths continue when their older sons die in bizarre accidents. Eventually the father catches on and attempts to save the life of his remaining daughter-but Bonnie has other, more fatalistic plans.

Godsend (2004)

This movie has a good premise but nothing else going for it. It is perhaps the most boring ‘horror’ movie I’ve ever seen, completely un-involving. And the reason why the cloned kid becomes evil is, well, stupid. Avoid this.

Godzilla 2000 (1999)

Although undeniably better that the recent American version, this new Godzilla movie is slightly disappointing, primarily because you don’t see the Big G enough. The majority of the screen time revolves around the finding of a strange giant rock on the ocean floor, which later turns out to be a living spaceship, and on the efforts of a man whose job it is to track Godzilla and the stereotypical reporter that follows his search. When ORGA, Godzilla’s foe finally shows up, he’s rather cumbersome looking and the battle lacks the energy of previous Godzilla battles. The new Godzilla does look cool, though, more streamlined with larger spikes on his back, a cobra-like neck and many more teeth, like a crocodile-and he’s green! It just wish the story was up to par with the effects.

Godzilla vs. Megaguiras (2001)

This Toho Godzilla movie clearly establishes it apart from the 90’s series of movies, starting with flashbacks of the revised-looking Godzilla in the 50’s and 60’s. This time the Godzilla task force has come up with a possible new way of destroying the Big G, by creating a small black hole that would suck him in. Unfortunately, the initial experiments with the process released these huge insects from ‘the other side’ insects that will eventually grow into the giant monster Megaguiras that Godzilla will battle by the film’s end. The editing is much quicker paced than Godzilla 2000 and the effects much slicker—and it’s always a plus when Godzilla is fighting another monster to the death. This is perhaps one of the best Godzilla movies made.

Godzilla, Mothra, King Ghidorah:  Monsters’ All Out Attack (2002)

This newest Godzilla movie is a direct sequel to the first one (as was Godzilla 1985 and Godzilla 2000) and ignores all the previous Godzilla movies. The Godzilla portrayed here is ferocious looking, with white eyes and a snarling mouth. Rather than being a creation of the miss-use of nuclear power, he is the embodiment of all the soldiers killed in the Pacific during WWII. He’s a pissed off force of destruction. And as soon as Godzilla reappears other monsters start appearing as well to do battle with him. First is Baragon, then Mothra and finally King Ghidorah. They’re all very different than their original incarnations from the 60’s. In fact, they’re the protectors of Japan. While all this monster fighting is going on, though, hundreds of innocent people get trampled. I’ve never seen so many people die in a Godzilla movie before! Although I wouldn’t say this is the best Godzilla film it does restore his monsterhood and the story is pretty interesting.

Godzilla: Final Wars (2005)

This is truly one of the best Godzilla movies ever made, basically a re-working of ‘Destroy All Monsters’, with today’s special effects. Giant monsters start wrecking cities throughout the world and aliens come just in time to stop them (though we all know they’re the ones who started them rampaging to begin with). Then, Godzilla is reawakened from his Arctic slumber and fights many of his brethren, including the ‘American Godzilla’! The movie is nearly two hours long and kept me hooked the entire time.

Godzilla: Tokyo SOS (2004)

The fourth in the ‘Millenium’ series (2000, Megaguiras, Mecha-Godzilla), this movie takes place six months after the events of the last film, when Mecha-Godzilla had temporarily defeated the green goliath.Godzilla returns and the authorities are about to unleash the newly repaired Mecha-Godzilla on him to finish the job. But before they do this those two tiny twins from Infant Island appear, along with Mothra, and warn that they must put Godzilla’s bones to rest. You see, this new Mecha-Godzilla is more or less a cyborg, machinery constructed around the original 1950 Godzilla’s bones (an idea that was previously used in the American Godzilla cartoon series a few years back). In the prior movie Mecha had gone berserk and off on it’s own, propelled by the ‘spirit’ of the original monster. The twins warn that if G’s bones aren’t put to rest that Mothra will attack the city. When the present-day Godzilla does appear and rampages through Tokyo, the giant moth appears and the fight begins. It’s no surprise that, as in the other Godzilla movies, this Mothra is destroyed and replaced by the newly hatched larval form, which uses its silk as a weapon. What I found interesting is that they tied this movie directly to the original Mothra movie, as one of the main actors was in that movie and reprises his role. His nephew, Yoshito, is a mechanic working on Mecha. He becomes integral to the plot when, in the midst of the monster battle, he has to get Mecha-Godzilla working again after it’s temporarily put out of commission. He’s trapped inside it as it battles Godzilla. He finds out that the Mechanical monster doesn’t want to fight Godzilla-he has another thing in mind.The take on Mecha-Godzilla is very different than the 70’s version, which was created by those ape-looking space aliens and the 90’s version in which it was simply a big robot. This incarnation has a personality of his own-and S.O.S. movie hinges upon this.Overall, a very good ending to this particular Godzilla series. Plus, I’ve always liked the ‘Mothra Song’.

Going to Pieces: The Rise and Fall of the Slasher Film (2006)

The only thing, really, this has in common with Adam Rockoff’s book, on which it is based, is the title - and that it has commentary by many of the people in the same book. But what made the book interesting is that it’s filtered through the author’s perspective, which made it more personal and relatable to the reader.

The documentary tries to interview as many people as possible, many not interviewed in the book. Many of them ‘talking heads’, there’s this urge to have the interviewees walking around. Carpenter is walking in a graveyard (granted, he looks like one of the corpses but enough is enough), and former Fangoria editor Tony Timpone is walking back and forth down some dark hallway, looking a little inconvenienced. And for some reason Tom Savini is starting to look like Robert Z’dar. The documentary is also constructed differently and primarily consists of people’s opinions (Felissa Rose gets a little irritating), not a treatise on the Splatter movie.Granted, it’s cool seeing all these clips from movies, but that’s about it. I would only recommend this AFTER you read the book, not before, as a sort of companion piece.

Golden Compass, The (2007)

This takes place in an alternate world, where people’s souls travel outside their bodies in the form of animal guides. In children, this animals can change its shape, as their personalities are still growing, but in adults the animal stays in the same form. Lyra Belacqua (Dakota Blue Richards) is an orphan at a prestigious school, not aware that she’s really the daughter of her ‘uncle’, Lord Asriel (Daniel Craig). He goes off on another adventure, to the North to prove that there are other dimensions, but the government does not want him to succeed. Mrs. Coulter (Nicole Kidman), a patron of the school, decides to go North as well and arranges to take Lyra with her. But before she goes, the school headmaster givers her a very special device, The Golden Compass. When presented with a question, this object always gives the truthful answer. And Lyra becomes very adept at operating it. It turns out that Mrs. Coulter has her own agenda and it involves the ‘Gobblers’, who have been kidnapping children for some diabolical purpose. That purpose is revealed at a hidden laboratory in the North. Lyra quickly learns that Mrs. Coulter is the bad guy and flees, getting help from several other individuals, such as the gyptians (sort of gypsy/pirates), Lee Scoresby (Sam Elliott), a cowboy/air pilot, and Lorek Byrnison, a huge intelligent talking polar bear.

The world that is created in The Golden Compass is both familiar and alien enough to keep your interest and the cast is strong. It’s better than the tiresome Harry Potter movies and The Chronicles of Narnia combined.

Goliath and the Vampires(1964)

In ancient Italy bloodthirsty soldiers decimate many coastal towns in search of slaves...and blood. A vampire has taken over an island kingdom and commands all of the soldiers. Goliath, who possesses incredible strength, swears revenge on them, for they killed his mother and captured his fiance. He’s captured a few times, escapes a few times, and meets allies in the form of the blue men, good guys who want to overthrow the vampire. They really are blue, by the way. The vampire itself appears in a smoky haze most of the time and mostly see his monstrous arm either reaching out to choke someone or to slit their throat. The vampire creates a double of Goliath and they do battle with each other. He rescues his girlfriend from death and everyone lives happily ever after. This is kind of like a Sinbad movie without the stop-motion-animation but it is entertaining in a goofy way.

Good Grief (2001)

Charles, a high school outcast obsessed with the roll-playing game Monsters & Mayhem, switches back and forth from reality to fantasy as he tries to figure out what he wants in life. The movie starts with our protagonist getting dipped, headfirst, into a toilet, then moves on to him getting repeatedly rejected by the snotty girl he is romatically interested in. Although the story has been done before, most obviously the Tom Hanks movie Mazes and Monsters, this low budget version features good photography, cool fantasy sequences where the ‘heroes’ fight raging pig-faced orcs and a great performance by newcomer David Gray, by far the best actor in the movie.

Good Son, The  (1993)

After the death of his mother from cancer, a ten-year-old boy named Mark Evans (Elijah Wood of Lord of the Rings) goes to temporarily live with his Aunt and Uncle while his father is on a business trip in Japan. It’s bad for him that their son, Henry (Macaulay Culkin), is a psycho. He threatens to let his cousin go when he slips on the treehouse, kills a dog, almost drowns his sister and even goes after his own mother (Wendy Crewson of The 6th Day, ReGenesis). This is a rather low-key movie but Culkin gives an unsettling performance that’s worth checking out. I also liked it that they never explained why this kid is so screwed up, that he was just born this way.

Good Witch, The (2008)

A mysterious woman by the name of Cassandra Nightingale (Catherine Bell) moves into the local haunted house in a small town. The first people who meet her are two kids, a boy and a girl, who are being chased by a vicious dog. She stops the dog by talking to it and it goes away. The boy, Brandon, then starts the rumor that she’s a witch and may be “The Grey Lady”, who lived in the house generations before. It doesn’t help her case that she’s opened up a shop stocked with occult items and soon the local busy-body woman (Catherine Disher of Forever Knight), starts on a crusade to close her store. Brandon’s widowed father Jake is the local sheriff and upon their first meeting, he and Cassandra hit it off. There’s definitely a spark. So he has to balance out his personal and professional life when dealing with Cassie and the townsfolk. The big question remains as to if she’s really that old witch, returned, and if she really has supernatural abilities...

This supernatural flick is definitely an old fashioned “family movie” but you know, every so often, one of these hits the spot. There were three more “Good Witch” movies made, each one increasingly worse.

Goregoyles 2: Back to the Flesh (2007)

Consists of two mini-movies, Clean and The Walkers. The first, Clean, written and directed by Alex Michaud, is about a shaven-headed serial killer who wants to make amends, of sorts, by killing a bunch of other serial killers. He knows he’s an evil guy but figures he mine as well do some good before he checks out of life. This is not a bad segment but those French-Canadian accents drive me nuts. They should have just spoken French and the movie had subtitles, it would have been so much better.

The Walkers, directed by Myles Finlayson and based upon a Ron Ford story, is about a fugitive couple who get lost in the woods - and the two police guys who follow them and also get lost. It’s a great character study all around and the ending is particularly gruesome. The segment has a good payoff.

Goth (2003)

I’m not a big fan of the Goth scene so I was a bit reluctant to watch this DVD, considering I wasn’t all that hyped about Brain Damage’s Hollywood Vampyr. But Goth turns out to be a damn good horror movie, a roller-coaster ride of dark desires, revenge and death. In the opening scene a young woman, covered in blood, awakens to find herself surrounded by dead bodies. Before we can figure out what’s going on we cut to ‘Eight hours earlier’, to see how she came to this predicament. Chrissy and her boyfriend Boone are at a concert when they meet Goth, a crazy and unpredictable woman who seems to be the embodiment of ‘what it is to be Goth’. After giving the couple a taste of a new drug called White Death she talks them into going on a ride with her in her van-and that’s when the trouble begins. She stops and picks up a random guy-and forces him, with a knife to his throat, to have sex with her while the two others watch. They try to leave but she wont let them and continues to do crazy, violent things. From the first five minutes until the closing credits I was hooked on this movie. Phoebe Dollar (Hell’s Highway) is great as the evil Goth, attractive and repulsive at the same time. The story reminded me of The Hitcher, where C. Thomas Howell was corrupted by Rutger Hauer, or Nomads, where Pierce Brosnan was overtaken by the evil he witnessed. By the end of the movie the characters become what they were trying to run away from. GOTH is highly recommended. Directed by Brad Sykes (Death Factory).

Gothika (2003)

This movie is bad on just about every level. Halle Barre portrays a therapist who works at a mental institution for the criminally insane. Her husband (Charles Dutton of Alien 3,
Mimic) is in charge of the place. During a drive home during a thunderstorm she runs off of the road after she avoids hitting a girl who is standing in the middle of the road. She gets out of her car and goes to her-and sees that she’s all beaten up. But as soon as she reaches out and touches her they both explode into flames. She wakes up to find that she’s now a patient in the same mental institution she worked at-and that she’s to be charged with killing her husband with an axe. Well, first of all she’d never be sent as a patient to a place she worked at-it’s ridiculous and it just doesn’t happen. Why don’t the screenwriters ever do research on the reality of their subject matter?Anyways, she figures that she was possessed by the spirit of the girl on the road, who she finds out is the daughter of one of the other doctors working there. And slowly but surely she begins to figure out what happened and why. Her husband was involved in some very bad business and the ghost of the woman was simply getting revenge. At the end of the movie Halle Barre is walking around with one of her former patients, who had killed her stepfather with a knife across the throat. First of all, all the evidence of Barre’s husband’s murder points to her-and I don’t think ‘the devil made me do it’ would dismiss the accusation of her crimes in a court of law. She’d still be in prison, as would the patient she’s walking with. People aren’t instantly cured of their psychosis-it just doesn’t happen. Up until the midway point the movie was just okay-it’s shot well, the actors are decent. But after that everything falls apart and felt as if the filmmakers were making up the story as they went along. The ‘surprise’ ending is really insulting to the viewers. Man, this movie sucked. And why is it called Gothika? There’s no explanation!!!

Grace (2009)

A couple, Michael and Madeline Matheson (Jordan Ladd of The Specials), who have been trying desperately to have a child finally conceive. Much to the dismay of her domineering mother in-law Madeline chooses to have a midwife rather than use the family physician. This midwife is Patricia Lang (Samantha Ferris of Supernatural). Unbeknownst to her husband, Madeline and Patricia used to be a couple.

One night there’s an emergency and she’s rushed to the hospital. It turns out to be a gall stone. On the drive back home she and her husband get in a car accident. He is instantly killed and she is injured—and the baby dies. But she wants to wait weeks and naturally abort the child. There’s a really awful scene of her giving birth to a dead baby. She tries to nurse it. And much to the surprise of the midwife the child starts to move and comes back to life, as if Madeline willed the child back somehow. She names her Grace. This is when weird things start to happen. There starts being lots of flies in the baby’s room, to such an extent that she covers it in fly tape and puts a screen over the crib. There’s also a weird stench coming from the baby. When she gives her daughter a bath and takes her temperature, it’s only 93 degrees—the same temperature as the water. Then the baby starts biting her breasts and drinking her blood. In desperation she tries to feed Grace animal blood but it doesn’t work. Then, she has unexpected visitors and finds another way to feed her kid....

Grace is an extremely grim and disturbing movie which features the best monster baby since Larry Cohen’s It’s Alive.

Grave of the Vampire (1972)

Michael Pataki portrays a two hundred year old vampire who rapes and impregnates a young girl in a mausoleum. The doctors tell her that her growing baby is stillborn yet she decides to have it—and when she does it’s a strange gray color. And the boy will not eat—that is, until she accidently cuts herself and the blood drips onto the baby’s mouth. He hungrily laps it up. So, she feeds the child her blood. Years later, the grown child, portrayed by William Smith (Conan’s father in the original Conan the Barbarian), hunts down his father for revenge and finds that he is teaching at a college under a pseudonym. Although spawned by a vampire Smith can go out in the daylight and can eat raw meat and animal blood to sate his appetite. But after his father kills a group of college kids and Smith reveals who he really is, the fight begins, one of the most brutal and realistic fights I’ve seen in a movie. These two guys look like they’re going to rip each other apart. There’s no flying around, no slow-motion like the bionic man. Just an all out brawl. Yet, when Smith wins, killing his father, he dooms himself to becoming a full-vampire. This is an extremely recommended vampire movie.

Gravedancers (2006)

Dominic Purcell (Tv’s John Doe, Blade 3, Prison Break) and Clare Kramer (Buffy the Vampire Slayer villain from the 5th season) are a married couple, who along with two friends, attend another friend’s funeral. The wife goes home but the other three go back to the cemetary that night, get drunk and end up dancing around some graves. Unfortunately, by doing this they desecrate the graves - and anger the dead - who end up being various killers, buried in the “undesirable” section of the graveyard. One is a pyromiac, one an axe murderess and another a torturer. The get the help of a University professor and his assistant, who document the weird-goings on - but they are not immune to the spirits’ wrath. . The dead people’s “shock faces” are great and extremely creepy, but much of the effect of the movie is blown at the end when there’s this giant, computer animated ghost head chasing the lead actor The entire movie was subtle up to this point, so that when it happened I chuckled a few times, which I’m sure was not the intended response. This aside, I do recommend renting this one out.

Graverobbers(1990)

A waitress, working the midnight shift, is approached by a dark stranger and is asked to marry him. On a whim she agrees-and is taken to his large house Upstate where she meets an assortment of strange characters. She also has these dreams of being buried alive. These nightmares become true when she discovers that her husband, who also happens to be a mortician, is doing odd things with the bodies. The townsfolk are into necrophilia and there’s also some zombie reanimation going on. She tries to escape but everyone she runs into seems to be in on the secret. My favorite scenes are when she is underground and we see all the mortician’s previous victims in various stages of decomposition, the scene when the zombies chase her in the graveyard and the scene where a zombie’s flesh falls off his face while he’s pursuing her car on his motorcycle. She movie should have ended with her being captured and embalmed, screaming all the time. Instead, it goes back to the first scene, in the diner-and we realize this was all a dream or a premonition. She shoots the man instead of marrying him. Then, before the end credits there’s this totally inappropriate ending, with freeze frames of each of the characters and a omniscient voiceover explaining what happened to each one. And it’s done to be funny! What were the filmmakers thinking is all I ask!

Graves, The (2010)

The last thing I saw of director Brian Pulido’s was a short that was basically a remake of that Zuni Fetish Doll segment from Trilogy of Terror, only with a garden gnome. That didn’t go over so well with me. This time he tries to combine Tourist Trap with Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Two sisters, Abby and Megan are traveling in Arizona, looking for the world’s biggest thermometer before Megan has to go to New York City for her new job. Her sister doesn’t want her to go. They don’t find the thermometer but they do find another tourist place, Skull City, where an old mine used to be. They go there and encounter a guy who looks like a younger version of Gunnar Hanson (probably cast to give this move that “Texas Chainsaw” vibe). He wants to kill them but Megan kills him first. They witness his spirit leave his body and then see it consumed by what look like flies. Basically, something otherworldly devoured his soul. They flee and a guy driving a truck stops for them, only it turns out he’s the brother of the guy and even more crazy. Bill Moseley (The Devil’s Rejects) sort of sleep walks through this role since it’s so typecast. There’s also appearances by actors Amanda Weiss (the original Nightmare on Elm Street) and Tony Todd. The script is an amalgamation of a lot of things, with plenty of cliche’d dialogue. A lot of times it seems like the actors are kind of floundering without direction. There’s also the obligatory cameo of the director’s comic creation, Lady Death,  at the beginning of the film when the two sisters are in a comic store. The Graves sucked. I wanted to bury the dvd after I watched it.

Green Hornet, The (2011)

I always thought of the 60’s Green Hornet television series as an unfunny version of Batman. So I was somewhat skeptical when I first heard about this film version of the superhero that stars Seth Rogen as Britt Reid/The Green Hornet.

It begins with Britt’s father being murdered. His father was the workaholic editor of the city’s newspaper and it looks as if he was killed because of it. And he was also a dick, always putting his kid down and making him feel like nothing. Now, Britt goes into a slump because he’ll never show his father that he’ll amount to anything. Then he meets Kato, his father’s mechanic and cappucino maker. Britt is impressed by Kato’s inventions, particularly “The Black Beauty”, a suped-up car. They get the idea to become crim efighters while posing as bad guys. The big bad guy is Chudnofsky (Christoph Waltz), who wants nothing more than people to be afraid of him. In fact, he ends up changing is name to Bloodnofsky later in the film. Kato and the Green Hornet mess up his business and he tries to kill them by burying them alive in their car. They escape, which leads up to an ultimate showdown at the newspaper offices...

What really makes this movie work is the interaction of Britt and Kato. They irritate the crap out of one another. What doesn’t make the movie work so much, though thankfully this is only a small part of the movie, is Cameron Diaz as the potential love interest of both of them. She looks at least a decade too old for either and is not aging gracefully. It’s far better than the original 60’s television show and I enjoyed this much better than the similarly themed Kick-Ass movie.

Green Lantern: First Flight (2009)

Test pilot Hal Jordan (Voice of Christopher Meloni of Trueblood: Season 5) is in a flight simulator while Aben-Sur, a Green Lantern, crash lands on Earth. Dying, he calls for the power of the ring to find the one person on this planet worthy of being a Green Lantern—and it’s Hal. His flight simulator is transported far out into the desert to where the alien is. Before he dies, he explains who he is and gives Hal the ring. Before Hal can figure out all his powers a group of alien Green Lanterns abduct him and take him back to Oa, so the Guardians can officially decide if he’s Green Lantern material or not. Most of the blue-skinned Guardians don’t like humans but Sinestro (voice of Victor Garber of Alias) offers to take Hal under his wing. However, Sinestro is very unhappy with the Guardians’ rules and starts taking manners into his own hands. He kills someone and Hal is framed for the murder. Because of this his ring is taken away.

Hal knows what Sinestro is up to but no one believes him at first. He thinks he has a friend in Green Lantern Boodikka (voice of Tricia Helfer of Battlestar Galactica) but that turns out to be a disappointment. Sinestro has gained access a power as strong as that of the green energy that powers the Lanterns— yellow energy. Then, it’s a battle between him and the Green Lantern Corp as he tries to destroy their power source.

This is as good as the other recent DC animated features, such as Wonder Woman and Superman: Doomsday. My only problem is that it’s hard to believe that no one figures out right away that Sinestro is really a villain..come on, his name is Sinestro!

Green Slime, The (1968)

In the near future, a space station around Earth detects that a gigantic asteroid is going to hit the planet. Astronauts land on it to plant bombs and detect that there’s this weird slime growing all over the place. The slime hitches on one of their spacesuits and when put through the radioactive decontamination transforms into a one-eye tentacled monster that kills with electricity. When they shoot it the blood forms new creatures, so soon there are dozens of the horrible monsters. The main characters are Commander Jack Rankin and Commander Vince Elliott (Richard Jaeckel of Grizzly), who are in love with the same redhead, Dr. Lisa Benson. She had left Rankin for Elliott, though she still has feelings for the former. This makes Elliott jealous and somewhat suicidal, as he takes all these chances to rid the station of the creatures. I always found this to be a surreal horror movie. On one hand the effects, particularly the space station and astronauts in space, are fake-looking, like in a child’s show, but the grimness of the situation and sheer amount of death counteracts this to some degree. It’s a great example of a Drive-In horror movie from the 60’s.

Grendel (2007)

Chris Bruno was a good actor on The Dead Zone television series but doesn’t quite cut it as Beowulf in this Sci-Fi Channel movie. Grendel looks like a cross between bigfoot and the Tasmanian Devil from the Bugs Bunny cartoons. There’s lots of talking with bad accents and a lot of even worse computer animation, particularly with Grendel’s mother. See Beowulf or Beowulf & Grendel instead.

Grim (1996)

A troll awakens from a several hundred year slumber to kidnap women and drag them down to his lair deep beneath the ground via some very inadequate morphing effects. Although the box art for this video is great it’s very obvious, and about as frightening, as a guy in a rubber suit. In fact, I don’t think there’s any elaborate animatronics involved-the creature’s facial movements are limited to a perpetual arching eyebrow and tusked mouth moving up and down. That would be okay if all this was kept to a minimum but the monster is shown over and over and over again in direct light. The human characters are all very stereotypical and forgettable and you don’t mind that they’re killed off. In fact, you don’t care, which sums up my review of the movie...

Grim Prairie Tales (1990)

Brad Dourif and James Earl Jones star in this horror anthology which takes place in the Old West. Dourif is a city guy traveling across country on horseback to reunite with his wife. One night, after he sets up camp, he’s joined by a man named Morrison (Jones), who is sort of this desert ‘mountain man’ type. The guy’s size and mannerisms are somewhat threatening and he immediately puts Dourif ill at ease. Things calm down, however, and the campfire evening starts with Morrison telling a story about an old guy who crosses a forbidden Indian burial ground-and pays the consequences. Then he tells the story of a young man (Marc McClure, ‘Jimmy Olsen’ in the Christopher Reeve Superman movies) who befriends a pregnant woman who is traveling alone. How he meets his fate by her is extremely unsettling-and perhaps one of the weirdest deaths/scenes I’ve ever seen in a movie. This movie is renting just to see this short story. The last story is told by Dourif, about a family from the post Civil War South who want to make a new go of it out West, yet the father (William Atherton) slips back into his old ways, namely killing African Americans. It is a subtle but creepy story. If you’re a fan of horror anthologies Grim Prairie Tales is a must see.

Grimm (2011)

A homicide detective begins having weird hallucinations in which he sees people as monsters. One is a blonde woman, another is a suspect in the police station. All becomes clear when he’s visited by his cancer-dying aunt, who explains that their family is descended from a long line of monster hunters. He’s getting the power to see them because she’s dying. Basically, all the stories from Grimm’s Fairy Tales are real. And because of this the monsters call them Grimms. The main villain here is a creature, sort of like a werewolf, that goes after young girls dressed in red, as in Little Red Riding Hood. The detective gets the help of a reformed monster, who helps track this supernatural serial killer to his cabin in the woods. There are some attempts at humor, which fall flat. And the main character is no Buffy or Angel, as that’s what the show is obviously being compared to.

This is one of the most underwhelming television pilots of the 2011 season, up there with Once Upon A Time in terms of lackluster. Stick with one of the best monster-hunter series of all time, Supernatural.

Grindhouse (2007)

Grindhouse is the most fun I’ve had at a movie in a very long time. It intentionally emulates those double features of the 70’s yet wisely keeps the stories in a contemporary setting (people have cell-phones, et cetera). There’s even previews to other exploitation movies such as Machete, Eli Roth’s Thanksgiving and a Rob Zombie Nazi werewolf movie, Werewolf Women of the S.S., starring Sherri Moon Zombie. To complete the experience are “missing reels” so that in the midst of the movies fifteen or twenty-minutes are just skipped (I was hoping that the “missing” reels would show up on the dvd release but they never did) and you have to fill in for yourself what happened.

Robert Rodriguez’s Planet Terror takes all the elements from the “Science gone awry scenario”, with an infection that starts on a military base and soon infects the local populace. It turns them into horrible looking cannibalistic monsters. Rose McGowan holds this movie together as Sherry Darling, who ends up losing a leg to one of the creatures only to have it replaced with an automatic machine gun by her boyfriend, “El Rey”. The scenes with her shooting down the mutants are worth the ticket price alone. There’s also a subplot involving a female doctor (Marley Shelton - “the girl next door” from Bubble Boy) and her jealous, Dr. Husband (Josh Brolin). There are also appearances by Jeff Fahey (Body Parts), Michael Biehn (Aliens) and Tom Savini.

Quentin Tarantino’s Death Proof is about a crazy former stunt-man (Kurt Russell) who kills women with his “Death Proof” car, for fun. That is, until he messes with the wrong group of women. This movie is action-packed, contains some great car sequences and offers a different type of role for Kurt Russell.

These two movies, with the faux trailers and intermission segments, are some great entertainment. I highly recommend Grindhouse.

Grizzly Park (2008)

An ethnically and economically diverse group of youths, guilty of misdemeanors, are sent to a rural nature park to do community service. The head guy, Ranger Bob, has them hike a few days to a secluded cabin, where they are then attacked by a huge Grizzly bear. But why is the bear attacking them? Could it be that the serial killer who escaped and is posing as their driver angered it when he stabbed it with a knife?

Although I’ve seen this scenario countless times the script has a good sense of humor to it and twists around some of the characters. I particularly liked Glenn Morshower as the sarcastic Ranger Bob, Emily Foxler as the not-so-bright Bebe and Shedrack Anderson III (see his interview in 2008) as the technoid. It also has a good tag-line...”It’s gonna be a bear”.

Growth (2010)

A scientist, in 1989, believes he can expedite humanity’s evolution by creating a parasite that increases strength and stamina in the host. However, it goes awry and turns the test subjects into wild, zombie-like creatures that want to kill. Jamie Akerman is a young woman who returns to the island twenty-years later, for her inheritance. Her mother, who was killed during the outbreak, was one of the scientists who created the parasites. She’s accompanied by a group of friends, who, you guessed it, are simply in line to be the next victims.

The first half of this movie starts off strong—and had me hooked from the titles sequence. However, characters start saying and doing stupid things—and the impressive CGI worm effects are undone when they use real worms (earthworms—which do not look like the parasites whatsoever ) for some of the shots, like when someone vomits. Overall, this horror movie just didn’t grow on me.

Grudge, The (2004)

Although not as complicated as The Ring, The Grudge is an extremely creepy ghost story in which the ghosts do much more than just haunt you. Told in a nonlinear fashion, it’s the story of a house in Japan that has a curse upon it. When a social services volunteer named Karen (Sarah Michelle Gellar) is sent to substitute for the care of a near catatonic older woman (Grace Zabriskie) she encounters a young boy locked in a closet with his black cat. Upset, she calls back to her office and tells her boss about this. He tells her that he’ll stop by later. She goes to check on the woman she’s seemingly talking to herself-but what she’s talking to soon shows its terrifying self. The next thing she knows is that she wakes up in the hospital, her boyfriend (Jason Behr of Roswell) sitting beside her.Everyone who goes into the house is killed by the ghosts that haunt it, all except Karen, for some reason.The majority of the effects are low-key but there are a few jolting gross-outs, particularly a scene where a dead girl is shuffling around who is missing her bottom jaw.The biggest problem I had with the film is that the reason for the curse doesn’t seem good enough-it’s too simple and doesn’t explain enough why the ghosts are so violent towards the people they encounter. It’s also about twenty-minutes too long. The things I liked were the suspense, a decent performance by Gellar (who sucked in Scooby 2) and that it made me jump in my seat a few times.

Grudge 2, The (2006)

The problem with this sequel is that the spirit/killing scenes are creepier than in the first movie but all the time in between them seems like “filler”, with far too many characters and little character development. The story continues from the first, with Sarah Michelle Gellar’s sister (Amber Tamblyn) going to Japan to see her sister in the hospital at the urging of her mother (Joanna Cassidy in a throwaway role). She hooks up with a Japanese guy and they both go to investigate that original house where the spirits originated from. This is all boring because we’ve been through this in the first movie.

There is a second story, however, which takes place in Chicago. A father has remarried and his new wife is now living with him and his son and daughter. Things start going strange with the appearance of an odd next door neighbor—and those same spirits from Japan start appearing. It’s not until the end when we find out the connection to this and the prime tale. The Grudge 2 isn’t a terrible movie, just a forgettable one.

Grudge 3, The  (2009)

The Grudge 3 is to The Grudge what Poltergeist 3 is to the first Poltergeist movie. In fact, it also takes place in Chicago and one of the main characters is a little girl who can see the ghosts.

A young Japanese woman in Tokyo reads about the mysterious deaths that have happened in a Chicago apartment building and believes that the evil has now located there. It turns out that she is the sister of the murdered woman, Kayako, and believes she can stop her. There’s this cockamamie flashback of when she talks about how their mother exorcised evil spirits and transferred them into the young Kayako—and because of this, presumably, she is paying price.

People living in the building, such as an artist (Marina Sirtis) and the landlord are killed by the vengeful ghosts. The main crux of the story is about a young guy who is the super of the place and lives there with his two sisters. One of them is soon moving away with her boyfriend and the other sister is young and suffers from bad asthma. Towards the end, when the brother gets violent and starts acting crazy, the movie seems like it’s turning into Amityville 2: The Possession. This is, by far, the worst of the series. Enough, I say. Enough!

Guardian (2000)

Mario Van Peebles (Solo, Jaws: The Revenge) is a marine turned cop who is given the task of guarding a twelve-year-old from the wrath of a demon named Talal. Basically, it’s him against a body-hopping demon. Little in the way of effects, lots and lots of shooting, people speaking in demonic voices and more shooting. A bunch of mumbo jumbo.

Guardian of the Realm (2004)

I had a similar reaction to this movie as I did to he recent Demon Hunter. Although the movie has good production value for its budget and ambitious special effects, it’s derivative of so many other movies that I couldn’t help but feel I watched it before. It’s so memorable that now, a few weeks after I viewed it, I can barely remember what it was about.

Guilty Pleasures (1998)

This second feature (actually, two hour-long movies) by the team of Joe Parda and Joe Zaso far surpasses their first endeavor, Five Dead on the Crimson Canvas, in all regards. Although the first tale, Nocturnal Emissions, has a lot of nudity by some not so attractive women, it is extremely engaging and downright weird, emphasized by some unexpected blue screen effects. Joe Zaso, as a narcissistic phone stalker, has some of the best and absurd lines. At one point he holds up a greased up phone receiver and says to the woman he’s sleeping with—’The phone is not your enemy. It is your friend’ then proceeds to use it as a sexual instrument! The second tale, directed by Zaso, involves a wannabee actress who moves to New York and through her new Method Acting class begins to uncover some of her mysterious past with deadly consequences. Indie B Movie queen Sasha Graham (Addicted to Murder, Gargoyle Girls) portrays the confused RoseMarie. If you’re looking for something a little different this is one to rent.

Gulliver’s Travels (1995)

Although I’ll always think of Ted Danson as Sam on Cheers-he does a surprisingly good job as Dr. Lemuel Gulliver in this four hour mini-series.After a six year absence he returns home to his wife and son with an incredible story. He tells of being shipwrecked on the island of the lilliputians, an island of people only six inches tall, where he seems to be a giant. They are at war with each other over an extremely stupid disagreement and he tries to set it right. He eventually escapes after they try to kill him-and washes ashore to an island where he is the little person and everyone else is a giant. He’s cared for by a young girl, who falls in love with him. He then goes from this island to a floating island run by intellectuals-and then to a place where horses are intelligent and the humans, called Yahoos, act like the animals. His telling the stories merges with his present reality, which really makes him seem like he’s crazy to his wife, son and the doctor who now owns his house and medical practice. In fact, he’s sent to the mental institution, where he tells the majority of these stories. It all ends with a courtroom scene in which it’s determined if he’s a sane man or not-and if the stories he was telling are true. The gist of the movie is how people act-wanting to have power over each other, how violent they are, how greedy, petty and how they lie. It’s a man’s journey finding out what’s truly important in life-and what isn’t. He went on a ship looking for adventure-and discovered all these things about himself that he didn’t like. In fact, on the last adventure he wanted to stay with the intelligent horses and reject his humanity-but they thought he was too much like the primitive Yahoos and so told him he had to leave. He very reluctantly returned to his own world-but ultimately decides to stay with his wife and son, though he is a very different man.

Gut Pile (2001)

Jerry O’Sullivan’s feature debut, sort of a cross between The Evil Dead and The Dark Night of the Scarecrow, is about a hunter who accidently shoots someone and hides the body....and a year later the scarecrow, possessed by the man’s spirit, comes back for revenge. The movie is very well shot, with most of the story happening at night, but after a while the ‘artsy’ shots seems as if they were used as padding to make the movie time longer. It probably would have worked better as a forty-five minutes short. Sasha Graham has a quick cameo as an officer. Jeff Forsyth (director of Children of the Sky gives an excellent performance as the lead character, Dan, particularly when compared against some of the other actors. I’d like to see him more in front of the camera. Overall, Gutpile is a decent, if familiar, horror film.

Guts of a Virgin (1986)

This is also known as Entrails of a Virgin. The movie takes the tried and true scenario of stranding a group of people out in the woods and having a crazed maniac kill them all one by one. The movie starts with a photo shoot with two models-and cuts back and forth between this and sex scenes they had with the guys they are working with. Then, on the way home they get caught in fog and come upon a house, where they decide to stay. The killer is some kind of demonic entity and kills the people in some nasty ways. The only one he doesn’t kill is the young woman who is a virgin-instead, he impregnates her. The movie isn’t as violent as you’d think it would be by the title but it’s entertaining enough nevertheless. It reminded me of the first Evil Dead Trap.

“H” Titles

H-Man, The (1958)

A narcotic theft during a rainstorm gets interrupted when one of the guys, who is out in the rain, starts screaming before he makes it to the escape car. The driver takes off, afraid of what happened to him. Something came from the sewers and basically dissolved the poor guy, as the only thing left on the street are his clothes. The police investigate this strange appearance and question the guy’s wife, who works at a night club, but she doesn’t know anything. The police, however, get help from a scientist, who thinks this may have to do with H-bomb tests in the Pacific, especially when a ghost ship appears in the harbor. Then, there’s a flashback to some fisherman who had discovered that ship out on the sea. They find nothing but piles of clothes until an “H-Man” makes an appearance. At first the creature is like a blob and once it attaches to someone starts melting them. Then, it starts glowing and takes on a vaguely humanoid shape. In the last part of the movie the action takes place down in the sewers beneath the city and they try to destroy the radioactive creatures with fire.

The H-Man is just like a giant monster movie only the monsters are little—and puddle—sized. The film is definitely worth checking out, as there are some impressive special effects for the time period in which the movie was made, with all these people dissolving  Directed by Ishiro Honda.

Habitat (1997)

In the near future, where there is no longer an ozone layer and much of the world is a burned out husk, a scientist (Tcheky Karyo) comes up with a way to ‘give mother nature a kick in the butt’ so that humanity will survive. His unorthodox experiments, however, has the government searching for him and his family (Alice Krige, Balthazar Getty). This is because he has discovered a way to speed up evolution and literally overnight create an entirely unique ecosystem within the confines of his house. But experiments go awry and he becomes contaminated, becoming a part of the house, sporadically appearing like a ghost to talk to his wife and son, who soon begin changing as well. This movie, while at times original and fascinating is nevertheless interrupted by some extremely irritating cliches, primarily when the characters are in the ‘outside’ world. In these sequences Getty if provoked by the high school bully, tormented by the overly macho physical ed teacher and falls in love with the cute blonde girl, who also happens to be the phys ed teacher’s daughter! Stereotypes aside, Habitat is one of the most interesting direct-to-video sci-fi movies to come out in months.

Half Human (1957)

John Carradine narrates a story about some Japanese explorers and how they find—and eventually capture— a bigfoot type creature and its offspring. Originally a Japanese movie, cannibalized for U.S consumption by forcibly inserting the footage with Carradine and a few other American actors. All of the Japanese footage is narrated over by Carradine, which kind of makes it feel like a travelogue. Half Human is only worth watching to catch the Bigfoot creature sequences which are done very well.

Half Light (2006)

Demi Moore portrays Rachel Carlson, a best-selling author who has recently lost her five-year-old son in an accidental drowning. Eight months later she decides to rent out a small, isolated cottage in Scottland in order to finish writing her new book. She starts to see her son’s ghost, although that may entirely be her imagination. She also befriends the nearby lighthouse keeper-and soon has a relationship with him. One day she’s supposed to meet him in town, at a birthday party for one of the locals, but when he doesn’t show up-and she asks other people about him-they seem puzzled, and tell her that he died five years before in a tragic incident. She thinks they’re playing some sort of game with her-but she goes back to the lighthouse and finds no one living there. Is she going crazy or is she seeing ghosts? Or is something else going on? Half Light is half supernatural ghost story, half mystery, and not nearly as good as Moore’s Ghost from a decade before. The ‘twist’ ending was rather obvious and the movie turned out exactly how you think it would. I give the movie an ‘okay’.

Hall of Mirrors (2001)

Directed by Brad Osborne, this movie deals with real life horrors! A young gambling addict (Eric Johnson), way in over his head, becomes extremely desperate to pay off his growing debt—even if it means doing something highly illegal. The night before he’s supposed to come up with the money he meets a beautiful woman (Julie Arebelo) at a bar—they hit it off and they end up back at her apartment. He goes home and is woken up by a cryptic phone call—the voice on the other end promises to get him out of his trouble if he shows up at a restaurant at noon the next day. With little choice, he agrees. When he shows up a mysterious man meets him and explains that he can pay off his debt by buying high quality counterfeit money. For ten thousand dollars they’ll give him a hundred thousand in fake cash. After he agrees—and is taken to their counterfeiting operation he sees that the woman he slept with the night before is involved. And from that point on he doesn’t know who to trust. I had no idea what was going to happen next in this film. It gripped my interest and kept me guessing all the way to the end. The story was also depressing as hell, not a bad thing. All in all, Hall of Mirrors is one of the best shot on digital movies I’ve ever seen.

Hallow’s End (2003)

A group of college kids, all who look like they are thirty-something, are holding the annual Halloween Haunted House. The guy running it, who is also head of a Fraternity, is a total asshole-and it’s very unlikely that people would actually listen to this guy. He’s too nasty. Also, one of the guys is in a dilemma because both his new girlfriend and old girlfriend are working alongside him. Again, unlikely. And it turns out that his old girlfriend has newly discovered lesbianism and is making it with one of the other women. Okay, why is it that in every recent, low-budget horror movie they think they have to have a lesbian scene? To make it worse, the scene and interaction (‘Am I a lesbian, am I not a lesbian?’) is clearly written by a guy who knows absolutely nothing about the subject. The story itself plays like Night of the Demons crossed with that Halloween episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer where the Scooby Gang turn into what their costumes are. Here, spells from an ancient Satanic book are read and everyone starts transforming into various creatures, from a Pirate to a redneck to a vampire. The movie ends with everyone dying except the one guy and his ex-lesbian girlfriend, who in the end has the same book and is thinking of bringing her slain lover back to life (reminding me VERY much of the end of the first Re-Animator movie). Well, director Jon Keeyes probably did the best he could with the script by Chris Burdick but that still doesn’t excuse this extremely unoriginal horror movie. I hope the guy never writes another movie. Crap like this damages the genre.

Hallowed End (2007)

A young woman (Jaimie Alexander of The Other Side) gets stranded in a small rural town after her car breaks down. The town, though, is the home of a cult, founded by a crazy preacher who died a hundred years ago. In fact, the townspeople believe that she’s the chosen one in which their founder will be reborn. First, he inhabits and reanimates a creepy looking scarecrow, then is able to body hop to some recent corpses. The towns current preacher (Ethan Phillips of Star Trek Voyager wants to impregnate her but she kills him. Then, when the undead cult leader realizes she isn’t a virgin he tells the townspeople to kill her. This is an above average killer scarecrow movie, sort of a cross between Children of the Corn.

Halloween (2007)

First, this remake is GOOD! And they keep the original Halloween theme! Rob Zombie’s version of Halloween delves much more into the formation of the psychopath Michael Myers and why he goes seeking his sister Laurie Strode after he escapes from the mental institution. Sherrie Moon Zombie stands out as Michael’s mother and there’s a fantastic cast of genre actors such as Dee Wallace Stone, Ken Foree, Bill Moseley, Sid Haig and Brad Dourif.

It’s a much more violent than the original movie and Zombie manages to make ‘The Shape’ scary again, which is no small feat after umpteenth sequels that have diminished him. Here Myers is a relentless killing machine. Malcolm McDowell is a good Dr. Loomis and his character is more involved in the story and tied closer with the killer.

To answer ‘Do you like this better than the original’? I would have to say that I like them both equally. With recapturing Halloween, Rob Zombie has indeed pulled it off.

Halloween 2 (2009)

The events of the story pick up right at the end of Rob Zombie’s first Halloween movie, which a wounded and blood covered Laurie Strode walking down a road, saying she killed Michael. Then she’s taken to the hospital. The police show up at the crime scene and start taking bodies away, including Michael’s. However, he’s not dead. After the ambulance taking him to the morgue crashes after hitting a cow he wakes up and kills the one surviving driver. Then, he makes his way back to the hospital to deal with Laurie. When she’s caught by him she wakes up. It was only a dream! The only thing that was true is that Michael’s body disappeared that night.

Now, it’s one year later and Laurie is having difficulty adjusting. She’s living with her friend Annie and her father, the Sheriff (Brad Dourif). And she keeps on having these incredibly violent dreams of Michael killing. However, it’s eventually established that there’s some type of psychic bond between the two siblings because they both see the same things in the dream. At times it felt like Rob Zombie was trying to make a Phantasm movie, not a Halloween movie. There’s also a parallel story with Dr. Loomis and how he is promoting his new book on Michael Myers, but that is predictable.

Yes, the killings are brutal than in the first film but story-wise there wasn’t enough to keep me interested. In fact, I found myself fidgeting in my seat after the first half hour, never a good sign. The movie also ends in the nearly the same way as the first film.

Not only is this sequel completely unnecessary, it’s boring.

Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

This direct sequel to H20 (which was a direct sequel to the original Carpenter Movie) is a decent installment in the Halloween franchise, actually killing off the Jamie Lee Curtis character in the first five minutes! Michael Myers has returned home, literally, living beneath the suburban house where it all started (This explains where he was living for those twenty years between Halloween 2 and H20). But an internet company gets the idea to broadcast a live web event of a group of college kids staying overnight in the Myers house. Each is equipped with a small camera so everything they see is recorded. But during the broadcast Michael starts killing each of them, one by one. They think it’s just someone in the Michael mask, little realizing it’s actually the real thing. Sure, the movie had its Blair Witch moments with the whole video idea but there were some genuinely creepy moments and the movie restored Michael as an entity to be feared. I was really surprised this movie didn’t suck.

Hamiltons, The (2006)

This starts off like a coming-of-age drama, told from the point of view of a sixteen year old boy who is missing his parents, who died some years earlier. His oldest brother tries to keep the pretense of a family up but his other siblings, The Twins, do what they wish - which eventually involve torturing and killing some people. Why does this family keep on moving across the country, from house to house? Why do they kidnap and keep victims tied up in their basement? And what creature is barricaded in the basement room, something they have to feed blood and meat to?

The Hamiltons keeps you interested - and guessing as to what’s really going on - the entire duration of the movie. And while the ending is not totally unexpected, it fits perfectly and is probably one of the best of it’s particular horror genre (I don’t want to give it away) to come along in a while.

Hammer House of Horror, The  (1980)

In Witching Time a man and his wife move to an old farm in the English countryside where a strange woman appears, claiming to be a witch. She seduces the man and plots to kill his wife, who, as it turns out, is cheating on him. She creates this voodoo doll in her likeness but the plan backfires and she ends up burning. In The Thirteenth Reunion a woman journalist goes undercover to write about a new health club and discovers there’s something strange going on. It seems that some of the overweight men in the class have been killed-but for what purpose. She traces one of the bodies to a prominent doctor and ends up at a party, a reunion. She discovers that two years before all these people were in the same plane wreck together and had to survive in the mountains for several weeks until they were rescued. Presumably they ate the dead passengers-and have developed a taste for human flesh.

In Rude Awakening a real estate agent has repeated dreams where he’s having an affair with different versions of the same woman. Just when you think he’s awakened it turns out to be a dream. When he think’s he’s asleep and fantasizing, he smothers his wife with a pillow-only to find out that he’s really awake! Growing Pains tells the story of a self-involved couple who have adopted a ten-year-old boy a year after their own son had died. The husband is a botanist, trying to cure the world’s food problem by creating a plant that contains as much protein as meat-and the wife spends all her time at social gatherings and doing charity work. Which leaves very little time to spend with their new son. He starts being haunted by the dead son, who we find out died when he ate some poison in his father’s lab. Is the dead son out to seek revenge?

A family moves into an old house and start experiencing remnants from its bloody past. Years before an old man killed his wife, then chopped up her body. At first the family starts finding the murder weapons about and see the walls bleed. Then, at the young daughter’s birthday party a pipe ruptures and sprays blood over everyone. It seems that everything is escalating-and then they leave. It turns out that the family faked all of this in order to capitalize on selling the book rights. In Charlie Boy, a man inherits a carved African fetish statue and unwittingly invokes its power to kill. He tries to stop the curse before all his friends-and his girlfriend-are killed by its evil magic. This story reminded me of that Matheson story from Dan Curtis’ Trilogy of Terror, where that statue comes to life and stalks Karen Black. While the statue in Charlie Boy doesn’t movie about it is extremely malevolent looking-and actually kills more people.

After getting out of jail and ex-con (Brian Cox-he played Hannibal Lector in Manhunter and was the father in The Ring) gets a job with an eccentric pet shop owner (Peter Cushing). The owner has a zoo down in his basement, keeping tigers, panthers, bears in cages that have their doors open. What he is trying to do is train them to only leave their cages when a buzzer goes off. This off-puts the ex-con but he goes along with it because he needs the job. When the pet shop owner leaves for a few days he leaves the guy in charge-who can’t resist the temptation of cracking the owner’s safe. As soon as he does this the floor opens beneath him and he finds himself in a cage, exactly like the animals. It turns out that the owner is trying to come up with a method to condition prisoners so that they won’t need to be locked up in prisons. The ending to this story is a bit surprising and disturbing. In Children of the Full Moon a man and his wife find themselves lost in the English countryside when their car breaks down and chance upon an old mansion inhabited by a matronly woman and eight children. She invites them in and offers to let them stay overnight when they find out the tow truck can’t come until the next morning. But something strange is going on. The children are spooky-appearing one minute, disappearing the next-and the woman warns the couple that the children like to prowl around at night. She tells them not to leave their bedroom. Of course, they don’t listen and the man climbs down the window when they see a shape spying on them from outside. He falls down and his wife is attacked by someone, who we only see a POV from. The next thing you know, the man wakes up in the hospital and the wife tells him he was in a car accident. When he asks about the strange house and the creepy kids she explains that it was all a nightmare. He starts thinking otherwise when his wife begins eating raw meat. She is pregnant-but not with his child. In the end, she’s drawn back to the house to give birth-and her husband follows, only to discover that his wife was impregnated by a werewolf and that all those children in the house are his. This was one of the better episodes of the series.

An inspector investigates a series of serial killer murders in which the men’s hearts are cut out from their bodies. He comes across an author who is writing about exactly the same type of murders-and he becomes suspicious of her. She explains to him that she’s based her story on a real life Carpathian Countess— and that as part of her research found out the last living relative of the woman. The Inspector meets her-and she turns out to be an older woman, definitely not the killer. But it is indeed the author who is responsible. In order to research her work she takes on the personality of her subjects. Guardians of the Abyss is about an antiques dealer who buys a strange mirror that’s able to bring forth a demon. But there’s a cult after it, a cult who wants to summon this creature to this world. This really reminded me of the Hammer Dracula movies, particularly the later ones.

Visitor from the Grave, concerns a wealthy woman (Katherine Leigh Scott of Dark Shadows) who kills an intruder in self-defense. Her boyfriend, who knows the man, helps her cover it up rather than go to the police. But she starts seeing the murdered man and is convinced he’s out to get her for revenge. This eventually drives her to kill herself-and we see that it was all an act-the man wasn’t really dead and her boyfriend simply wanted the her money. But SHE comes back, swearing revenge on those who tricked her. The Two Faces of Evil is probably the most disturbing episode of the series, about Doppelgangers. It successfully creates a feeling of paranoia. Here, a family is on vacation and pick up a hitch-hiker, who looks remarkably like the husband. He starts attacking him and they get in a bad car accident. In the hospital the wife wakes up-and sees that her husband has a throat injury, unable to talk. They go to their vacation spot to recover but he is acting really weird-not at all like the person she knows. Is this even her husband-and why do the townsfolk seem to be in on this? In the last story, The Mark of Satan, a hospital orderly becomes convinced that the forces of evil are specifically after him. He starts seeing ‘signs’ and hearing things telling him who is evil. It seems that every one he knows is working against him. Like the previous story, the viewer isn’t quite certain as to what’s really happening and the ending is quite a downer. He gets a drill to let out the evil pressures in his head...The Hammer House of Horror is quite a well-done horror series, more like a British version of Tales from the Darkside than Twilight Zone. Definitely check it out if you come across it.

Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy (2005)

Jeffrey Combs is a mad scientist who has transformed his cancer ridden son into a shark hybrid in order to save his life. A group of scientists, part of the corporation that is funding his work, travels to his secluded island and discovers what he’s up to. He explains that his goal is to create a new form of human, one that can exist in the oceans. He also wants to kill all of his visitors because he blames them for his being exiled. So, he sends his shark son after them as they run around the island.This is a good, mad-scientist movie, which reminded me of those Blood Island movies from the 70’s-and the carnivorous plants he has created brought Victor Gough’s scientist in Konga to mind. There is lots of carnage as well.A good, goofy B-monster movie.

Hancock (2008)

This is one of the better Will Smith movies in a while and makes up for I Am Legend.

This time he’s a reluctant, alcoholic superhero who does a tremendous amount of damage in L.A. while begrudgingly helping others. After he saves an PR guy Ray Embrey (Jason Bateman) his life starts to change. Ray really believes that Hancock can help change the world for the better and becomes his PR man. First, Hancock does a brief stay in jail (for avoiding hundreds of court cases against him) and is then released by the police commissioner who needs him to stop a robbery. Hancock shows up, sober and in a new costume, and saves the day. Hancock is like the The Greatest American Hero for the 21st Century.

The main crux of the story is Hancock dealing with who he is. He’s immortal but has no memory prior to eight-years ago and believes he’s the only one of his kind on Earth. Or is he? I don’t want to spoil the “surprise” of the movie but it actually works and gives a good, solid reason why super heroes do what they do and why they’re always alone. As superhero movies go Hancock is great. The special effects are top-notch, the story interesting and the actors mesh well together. I can see this being a decent, entertaining franchise for years to come.

Hangman (2001)

A detective (Lou Daimond Phillips) pursues a serial killer known as ‘The Hangman’ who gets his name from playing the game hangman with the police. He kidnaps a woman then calls the police, asking which letters they should pick. If they make more than six mistakes he kills his victim. Also helping track down this killer is a former psychiatrist (Madchen Amick), who may be his next victim. But all is not as it seems about this Hangman and the detective must figure out what’s really going on. Kind of your typical serial killer movie but it does have an interesting twist ending.

Hangman’s Curse (2003)

A family (Father, Mother, twin brother and sister), working for the CIA on a project called Veritas, which investigates alleged paranormal occurrences, go to a high school to find the truth about a revengeful ghost. Years before a picked upon loner hung himself in the school. Now, a group of Goth kids believe that his spirit is helping them get their revenge on the ‘popular’ kids who torment them on a daily basis.The twin brother and sister pose as students, the mother as a school counselor and the father as a janitor. Everything is a mystery until the last twenty-minutes or so, when it’s revealed what’s actually going on. I won’t say if it involves a ghost or not but I will say that it does involve spiders-lots and lots of spiders. Hangman’s Curse is an entertaining enough movie, even though it feels like something that would premiere on the Family Channel.

Hannibal Rising (2007)

Although this movie is probably the lesser of the other three films featuring the famous fictional cannibal, Hannibal Rising is nevertheless a decent prequel, telling the story of how he was formed, explaining why he kills and why he eats others. It starts when he was a child in Lithuania during World War II and goes into detail of what a group of would-be Nazi’s do to him and his younger sister, Misha. We are shown his dismal life in the orphanage, where he’s taunted by other boys, and how he learns to use weapons. The majority of his training happens when he goes to live with his Uncle’s widow, a young Japanese woman who has a collection of ancient swords. What I found interesting is that I did not expect this particular biography at all and how, exactly, all the pieces of his life fit together.

The movie works primarily as a revenge movie, as he’s entirely justified in going after the men who killed his sister. Hannibal comes off as a sympathetic character to some extent, as the men he is after are far more horrible than he (at least until he catches up with them). Recommended.

Hansel & Gretel: WItch Hunters (2013)

This is a sequel to the well-known story, beginning with the two siblings lost in the woods. They come across a house made of candy, eat some of it, go inside and are captured by a hideous witch who wants to cook them in her oven. Instead, they get the upper hand and fry her. Years later Hansel (Jeremy Renner of Avengers) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton of Clash of the Titans, Prince of Persia)  they’ve become well-known witch hunters, armed with an assortment of weapons.This time they come to a town where children are being taken and the local sheriff accuses a young red-headed woman of being a witch. Hansel examines her and says she doesn’t have any of the marks of a witch (they become rotted!), so she’s not a witch. This ticks the sheriff off—and later on tries to kill off Gretel. However, a troll named Edward shows up and rescues her, killing the lynch mob. She asks why he saved her and the only thing he says is “Trolls serve witches”.  There’s a confrontation with the Grand Witch (Famke Janssen of X-Men, 100 Feet) responsible for the child kidnappings, as well as an entire group of repulsive witches that meet during the “blood moon”. They want to become impervious to fire and need Gretel’s sacrifice to make it work.

This movie is far better than I ever thought it would be—and surprisingly gory.

I like it that they treat the evil witches as if they are zombies and make them look disgusting. The movie is supposed to be in the past, but they use modern language and behave like it’s taking place today, which works in the context of the film. Recommended.

Happening, The (2008)

The premise is that people are mysteriously killing themselves, seemingly for no reason whatsoever. We see someone shove a hair needle into her jugular, a guy lies down in front of a moving lawnmower and others simply shoot themselves. At the center of this is high school science teacher Elliot Moore (Mark Wahlberg) and his wife Alma (Zooey Deschanel) and their friend Julian (John Leguizamo) and his young daughter. They flee in a train from Philadelphia but the train stops in a small town somewhere in Pennsylvania. But they’re not safe, as whatever is causing people to kill themselves is in the air.  Julian decides to hitch a ride back to New Jersey, to try to find his wife, leaving his daughter with Elliot and Alma. They eventually stumble upon an abandoned looking house, without electricity, where a crazy old woman lives (Betty Buckley of the 70’s tv show Eight is Enough). She is nuts.

The reason why all this is happening is interesting and plausible, though for some reason I didn’t find this quite as creepy as Signs or The Sixth Sense. It also has more than a bit in common with Day of the Triffids. Also, even though this is an R-rated movie the main characters are these “Goody Two-shoes” types who are absurdly normal, which I guess is supposed to heighten the contrast between them and what’s going on in the world. Of all the M. Night Shyamalan movies to date, this comes in last. It just wasn’t happening for me.

Happily Never After (2007)

I found this disappointing as I thought it would be more along the lines of Shrek. What we get is an animated film intended strictly for kids. It’s interesting hearing the voices of some of the characters - Sarah Michelle Gellar, Freddy Prinze, Jr., Andy Dick, Wallace Shawn, but they can’t help the lame script. The computer animation is also much more crudely rendered than what is now the norm, making me feel I was watching some cheap kid show on Saturday Morning. I was unhappily ever after watching this.

Happy Accidents (2003)

This is a decent time travel movie, though the box would have you think it’s just another ‘romantic comedy’. A woman (Marisa Tomei), recuperating from a long string of loser boyfriends, meets and odd guy in the park. They seem to hit it off but leave their separate ways. But she left her book behind-with her address in it-and he tracks her down. He confides in her that he’s from several hundred years in the future and that he went back in time because he’s an anachronism in his own time...and also that he’s gone back in time because he wants to save her. She’s supposed to get hit by a taxi and die. She thinks he’s crazy. But he adamantly sticks with his story. The movie has an interesting twist ending.

Happy Birthday to Me (1980)

Virginia Wainright, recovering from a severe car accident that destroyed part of her brain, has returned to school-and her friends start disappearing as her eighteenth birthday approaches. You see, her almost fatal accident happened on her birthday four years before, a birthday that no one chose to attend. The first 3/4’ of this movie is fairly plausible, dealing with her insecurities and mysterious blackouts, but when we discover who the culprit is behind the disappearances the movie delves into the realm of the ridiculous. At first it seems to be her twin. Then, the woman takes off her Virginia mask and reveals herself to be one of the vanished ‘friends’ who reveals that she is taking revenge for an affair that Virginia’s father had with her own mother-and wants to frame Virginia for all the murders. I simply didn’t buy this. Directed by J. Lee Thompson who also directed Battle for the Planet of the Apes.

Hard Candy (2006)

This story about a fourteen-year-old girl who meets up with a thirty-something year-old-guy isn’t quite what I expected from the dvd box cover. In fact, it turns out to be one of the most harrowing suspense/horror thrillers in years.

This young teenager agrees to meet with her internet friend and they end up going back to his house/photo studio where he serves her alcohol. She insists on mixing the drinks though, much to his regret, and after drinking it he falls unconscious and awakens to find himself tied to a chair. She believes that he’s the person who has been abducting and killing young women. He adamantly denies this accusation for more than half the movie, so the viewer isn’t quite sure who is right and who is wrong. This reminded me a bit of the film Death and the Maiden.

Going along with the current sub-genre of the “Torture movie” (Saw, Hostel, et cetera), there’s a scene in Hard Candy which she wants to castrate him. I won’t say if she succeeds in doing this or not but it’s not a pleasant film viewing experience and I’m sure this is far more brutal for a guy to watch than it is for a woman. I do recommend this film but before you watch it be prepared to be put through the meat grinder!

Hard Time on Planet Earth (1989)

Jesse (Martin Kove of the original Karate Kid) is a galactic warrior banished to Earth, in human form, for being so violent. He can only return to his planet when he learns compassion. His adventures are monitored by a roving eye parole officer called Control. Primarily played for humor, the thirteen episodes revolve around the alien and various human customs. Sometimes he encounters other aliens in human form. It’s kind of a light-hearted version of The Incredible Hulk television series, which is kind of like something I’ve seen before...

Hardcore Poisoned Eyes (2001)

Three college-age New York City girls decide to go up to a cabin in the woods to get away from it all, which is a mistake since they cross paths with what appears to be a satanic murderer—or perhaps, a demon in the flesh. Although somewhat Blair-Witchish in style (you can’t help but make that comparison), there’s more of a feeling of dread and desperation created here, particularly when the first girl to fall gets chopped with an ax. It’s more like The Blood on Satan’s Claw in terms of feel. The other two women try and figure how to survive but they realize the foe they are up against is not human—at one point they see an inhumanely clawed hand at the window. I was glued to the set with this movie and was blown away by the ending, which surprised me. Directed by Sal Ciavarello.

Hardware (1990)

In a bleak, desolate future that’s obviously been through a few more world wars, a lone scavenger combs the desert and finds the remains of a type of robot. He takes it back to a trading post where another scavenger, Mo (Dylan McDermott), purchases it as a Christmas present for his girlfriend, Jill,who is a sculptress. Unfortunately these parts are from a war robot called the Mark 13 and it’s capable of self-repair. Jill never leaves her apartment building where she works and she smokes a lot and watches some strange television. She’s afraid of going outside. When Mo first comes to visit her she checks him out with a geiger counter, fearing radioactivity. Once she makes the remains of the Mark 13 a part of one of her sculptures it starts using material and electronics in her apartment to rebuild itself. Most of this happens when she’s asleep—and wakes up just in time before it saws her bed in half. Now, what was the safest place in the world for her has become the most dangerous. It’s a battle to the death between human and robot...

I’ve always liked this movie and seeing it again for the first time in years, the film holds up well. What I particularly like are the “old school” special effects. The killer robot is not some lame CGI effect but a physical presence, which makes a huge difference as it makes it seem much more real. And there’s that scene where the guy gets bisected by the front door...

There’s actually a second dvd which contains all the extras, which are interviews with Stanley and the cast and crew. It was a bit startling seeing actress Stacey Travis as she looks nothing like she did 20 years ago (just say “NO” to plastic surgery...). There’s also the original Super8mm film that Stanley shot which is the basis of Hardware and there are lots of similarities between the two films. This DVD release of Hardware is definitely worth picking up for the collection.

Harper’s Island (2009)

The premise of this thirteen-episode Television series is that a group of friends reunite for a wedding on their home of Harper’s Island, seven years after a serial killer by the name of John Wakefield (Callum Keith Rennie of Battlestar Galactica) went on a murderous spree. The sheriff, Charlie Mills (Jim Beaver, “Bobby” of Supernatural) says that he had shot him dead but no body was ever recovered. The couple getting married is Trish Wellington (Katie Cassidy of Black Christmas, Arrow tv series) and Henry Dunn (Odyssey 5). She’s the daughter of a millionaire and he used to work on her dad’s boats during the summers on the island, when he was a teenager. Her father is Thomas Wellington (Richard Burgi), who does not want Henry to marry his little girl. The majority of the story is seen through the eyes of Abby Mills, who was the best friend of Henry growing up. And she’s also the daughter of the sheriff, who she hasn’t spoken to in those seven years because of things said and unresolved issues. You see, her mother was one of the people John Wakefield killed.

One by one the guests are picked off. Henry’s uncle (Harry Hamlin) gets cut in half after he falls through a bridge, other characters are hung and decapitated, set on fire, shot with harpoons, you name it. Because it’s television the way we see these murders is usually after the fact, with the camera widening out to show the dismembered corpse. Each episode has a title like “Ka-Blam”, “Thwack” or “Gurgle”, which gives you a hint about how someone will die. And the show keeps you guessing as to who the killer may be, though you can probably guess by episode seven or eight.

This television series is Friday the 13th crossed with Agatha Christie’s “Ten Little Indians”. I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it. Check it out.

Harry Potter & The Chamber of Secrets (2002)

This was just okay, not nearly as good as the first Potter movie. Although there’s some good monsters, particularly the giant spiders and the basilisk, there’s no real sense of danger-you know nothing is going to happen to these kids. And the Harry Potter movies are such an amalgamation of already-done ideas it’s almost like watching a rerun.

Harry Potter & The Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)

Is it just me or does each movie in this series gets increasingly boring? As usual, this is an amalgamation of too many ideas I’ve already seen or read, so my first time viewing it is like a rerun. The third term of magic school is beginning and Potter is in trouble for using his magic to make his nasty Aunt float away like a human balloon. He’s punished and is limited with what he can do around campus (for example, he can’t go into the magical town nearby). The coolest thing he encounters in the film is the Hippogriff, a creature half eagle and half horse with wings. The werewolf character isn’t bad, he’s just shown way too long, making me think of Wyle E. Coyote from the Bugs Bunny cartoons.There’s narrow escapes, the usual school rivals, and a’twist’ ending. I don’t know what they’re going to do with casting the next movie-all the kids look several years too old for the age they are supposed to be portraying.

Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire (2005)

I liked this one better than The Prisoner of Azkaban, primarily because it’s the darkest of the Potter movies so far. There’s a decent scene involving a dragon, these hostile merpeople and the worst villain of all-the one who killed Harry’s parents. Of course, the special effects are amazing but the actors are getting too old to convincingly play the parts. They’re supposed to be fourteen but look several years older. The Harry Potter movies always seem like a mishmash of ideas from stories and films done before, so I always have this feeling of deja-vu everytime I watch one of them, and this film is no different.

Harry Potter & The Order of the Phoenix (2007)

This is the least memorable of the series, takes place much more in the “real world” than the other Harry Potter movies do. This time the government takes over Hogwort’s Academy and puts in place a mean little teacher as the headmistress. As with a lot of other Potter characters she’s a stereotype and does exactly what you think she will. The school bans any sort of defensive magic and Harry takes it upon himself to teach his fellow students how to protect themselves from the evil that is the nose-less Voldemort. I was sort of bored with the movie. I wanted to see more of the Centaurs and also those Griffin-like winged horse-things.

Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince (2009)

I can take or leave the whole Harry Potter series, since it’s such an amalgamation of previous used ideas that I always feel like I’m watching a rerun. This 6th movie is much darker in tone and addresses that the trio of friends (Harry, Ron and Hermione) is actually getting older and starting to act like teenagers. Professor Horace Slughorn, a former teacher of Hogwart’s who used to have the young Voldemort as a student, is reinstated at the school so that Dumbledore can get some information about that evil one. Dumbledore asks Harry to get close to his new teacher so that he can recover the teacher’s memories of that time. And Harry, in Slughorn’s potions class, finds a text book of spells that’s marked “Property of the Half-Blood Prince”. The book has many handwritten spells in it that Harry begins to use.

The crux of the story is that someone wants Dumbledore dead and everything points to Draco Malfoy who has been on Harry’s bad side since the beginning. However, it’s someone else who does the fatal deed. The biggest surprise is the identity of the Half-Blood Prince, which actually threw me. The movie also ends on a down note, which sets it apart from the previous movies. I didn’t find The Half-Blood Prince as boring as the previous installments though that’s not exactly a recommendation.

Harsh Realm (1999)

Loosely based on a comic book (they only kept the title and the idea that the story takes place in Virtual Reality), this is the lesser of the Chris Carter produced TV series, though it is entertaining and presents some interesting ideas in regard to the validity of Virtual Reality.

A soldier by the name of Thomas Hobbes, soon to become a civilian and marry his fiance’ (Samantha Mathis), is called in for an assignment in the middle of the night and asked to participate in a virtual simulation game called Harsh Realm. He’s told this is only a simulation and that to win the game he’s to kill a general by the name of Omar Santiago (Terry O’Quinn). He lets them hook him to the machine and when nothing happens he gets up to find the facility empty. When he opens the side door there’s a battle going on. He meets soldier and reluctant good guy Michael Pinnochio (D.B. Sweeney of Strange Luck), who stays with him in the 9 episodes of the series.

Also joining them is the mysterious Florence, a soldier who used to be a member of The Sisterhood, a group of mute women who have healing abilities. She still has that ability, which comes in handy. And, there’s Hobbe’s Jack Russell terrier.

The most interesting episodes are Inge Fosse, which suggest that this one woman is actually in charge of everything happening in Harsh Realm, not Santiago, as she plays all sides. In Reunion Hobbes comes across the virtual version of his mother, who is dying of cancer. She’s dying of cancer in the real world as well— and she’s somehow able to link to where Hobbes is. And in Cincinatti, Hobbes and Pinnochio are very close to killing Santiago once and for all, though a Native American uprising complicates matters. This episode also shows why Santiago has achieved the position of power he is in. There are also episodes involving Doppelgangers and a trip to New York City, where a nuclear device was exploded years before.

The biggest problem with the series, I think, is that Hobbes simply isn’t that interesting of a character. Pinnochio is far more complex than him. Also, the whole idea of Hobbes being this realm’s savior and the other religious mumbo-jumbo is sort of out of nowhere and doesn’t help anything.

Hatchet (2007)

This is one of those movies in which a lot of hoopla and hype has preceded it, even calling it a ‘revisionist slasher movie’. Well, this is indeed a good enough excursion into the ‘Slasher Genre’, but offers absolutely nothing new to it. A group of college students go down to Louisiana and take an ill-fated tour down the swamps where deformed Victor Crowley was supposed to have lived and died. Only he’s come back swinging a hatchet and he’s pissed. There are some effective, gory scenes and the makeup effects on Crowley are convincing. He makes Jason look like a pretty boy.In addition to portrying Victor Crowley, actor Kane Hodder also portrays his father and he’s quite good, dramatically, in the flashback scenes. Hatchet isn’t a bad movie but it isn’t a very memorable one either.

Hatchet II (2010)

The sequel starts off with a bang, as the lone survivor from the first movie, Marybeth (Danielle Harris of Stake Land) comes across a cabin and asks for help from a one-eyed guy. But when she reveals who her father was he kicks her out at shotgun point. They have some shared history and it obviously isn’t good. Soon after she leaves the cabin the monster man shows up, rips the intestines out of the guy and strangles him with it. She stumbles into town and goes to a witch doctor, Doctor Zombie (Tony Todd) who tells her a story of her father and how he was one of the ones responsible for the fate of Victor Crowley. A group of hunters accompanies her back there and they, of course, are slain one by one in horrendous ways. I did enjoy the first movie better, though I did like how this sequel directly continued from it. And it’s much gorier!

Hatchet for the Honeymoon (1969)

John Harrington is a thirty-year-old fashion designer who specializes in bridal gowns. He is also quite insane, as revealed from the opening sequence and voice-over explaining his insane delusions and paranoia. He has a need to kill young women before they are married-and most of these are models he has employed for his company. His wife, Mildred, is unaware of the murders. She hates him because he turned out to be impotent on their wedding night and, out of spite, refuses to grant him the divorce he desires. A police detective is on the case-and has an eye on him-but there’s not enough evidence to bring him in for the murders. Each murder he commits, though, brings him closer and closer to a memory he is repressing, a memory that has to do with the death of his mother. He kills a few more women and even his wife, who comes back to haunt him, more vicious than ever. It’s not all that surprising when we find out he had committed matricide-and was basically re-enacting this murder over and over again in his adult life. Directed by Mario Bava.

Haunted (1998)

The reopening of a theater, closed since the murder of one of its stars, begins this tale of ghosts and revenge. When stage hands start being killed a jaded psychic investigator is called in to investigate-and what he uncovers surprises even him. There REALLY is a ghost and the killer isn’t at all who it seems to be. A great cast, entertaining story and decent production value continue the trend of professional video features that are elevating the horror genre. Directed by Dennis Devine who also brought you the highly entertaining Amazon Warrior.

Haunted (2002)

Frank Taylor (a pre-Lost Matthew Fox) has a near-death experience after killing an evil child kidnapper and afterwards receives communications from the dead. They haunt him, primarily to get him to help solve their murders. There are some recurring ghosts and an interesting episode in which he’s possessed by the spirit of a slain cop. What I had a hard time swallowing is that he’s still friends with his ex-wife, who is a lawyer, and she helps him on some of his cases. Why didn’t the writers just keep them married, as there’s little conflict here and it doesn’t serve any real purpose. The best episode is the last one, Last Call, in which a woman is haunting the bar beneath his apartment/office and it’s up to him to solve her murder. It’s a lot like a good episode of Ghost Whisperer and it works well. If this was made a few years later, after Medium premiered, it might have taken off. As they say, timing is everything.

Haunted House (2001)

(Cherry Tree Films) During the first ten minutes of viewing this movie I kept on thinking ‘Damn, another self-referential Blair Witch ripoff’—BUT as I continued to watch, and the characters became more developed, it quickly transformed into a very captivating and creepy film. I really hated the lawyer at first but writer/director Conrad John managed to pull it off and make him one of the more interesting characters, not an easy thing to do. Two filmmakers videotape the reactions of their friends in a local haunted house—and set up some cheap gags to scare them—but when their makeup man is found dead, his hair turned totally white, events take a more terrifying turn. All chaos breaks loose and the threat of the haunted house becomes very real. The sense of dread is very well created. Highly recommended.

Haunted Mansion, The (2004)

I didn’t have high hopes for this movie and I wasn’t disappointed. It is just another lame, tame Hollywood movie with a thin plot and a lot needless computer effects. The Haunted Mansion is one of my favorite experiences at Disney World as a kid and the movie did not capture the feel of that ride whatsoever. What we get is Eddie Murphy and his two kids trying to save their mother from a ghost who wants to marry her, believing her to be his reincarnated lost love. The ‘curse’ keeps all the ghosts from going on to the next world yet the exact nature of the curse is never explained. If it’s due to the lord of the manor then why are there hundreds of spirits trapped in the nearby graveyard? It’s silly. Simply a time waster.

Haunting at the Beacon, The (2009)

This rather low-budget ghost story features Teri Polo (Frankenstein 1987) as a photographer who moves into an old building with her husband. He is a college professor. The ghost shenanigans start almost immediately, with a closet door left open and kid’s toys strewn about the apartment. We learn that the couple had lost their son (he was probably kidnapped) and she, at first, thinks that it may be him, back from the grave. But when she takes photographs and there’s an image of a young boy, we find out that there was an accident in the building six months before, when a kid fell down the building’s elevator shaft. There are also zombie-looking ghosts of adults that lurk about, which tie into the ghost kid’s story. Amidst all this we’re introduced an odd assortment of neighbors. One of them is a former actress (Elaine Hendrix), the “Diva” of the building, who also makes money from an internet bondage site. She and the husband start having an affair. While some of the ghost/haunting incidents are creepy and set up well, my main problem is the script and direction of the movie. Hendrix and Polo are good actresses but what they have to work with sucks. The entire movie feels amateur, like watching a mediocre student film that’s 90 minutes too long.

Haunting in Connecticut, The (2009)

This movie is a lot different than I thought it would be, which is a good thing. From the previews, it seems very much along the lines of an Amityville Horror clone. It’s not.

Sara Campbell (Virginia Madsen of The Number 23) is a mother who is dealing with her son Matt’s (Kyle Gallner of Veronica Mars, Smallville) cancer. He’s up for a new type of treatment but the drive is extremely long there and back. So she decides to rent a huge old house, though her husband is reluctant. They are barely getting by financially as it is. Matt wants to have the basement as his room. One wall is completely covered by these locked wooden cabinets with blackened glass. They have no idea what’s behind it—until the revelation at the end of the movie.Matt begins to have nightmares—and is haunted by the ghost of a kid, as well as these dead people who are covered in weird symbols. These ghosts are really creepy.

During his visits to the hospital Matt becomes friends with Reverend Popescu (Elias Koteas of The Prophecy), who knows he’s dying of cancer. He’s also able to see these ghosts since he’s at the borderline between life and death. The Reverend wants to help them and put the spirits to rest. They ultimately discover that the house was originally a funeral home and that the owner’s son was a clairvoyant who spoke to spirits. In fact, that’s what’s behind the locked doors in Matt’s room—the room where they did the embalming. Although the movie has a Hollywood ending that didn’t bother me so much, as the rest of the movie is extremely dark and disturbing. Recommended.

Haunting of Hilltop Drive, The (2005)

In this exceedingly boring made-for-tv haunted house movie, Patty Duke (Amityville: The Evil Escapes) and David Selby (Dark Shadows, Raise the Titanic) are haunted by the ghosts from the old African-American cemetery their new house is built on. This is out in Texas or Arizona. Their toilet upstairs keeps on flushing, they see shadows, their pet birds are eaten by cockroaches and their cat has malformed kittens. The movie spans a few years and in that time they adopt their grand-daughter from their daughter, who has other things to do, and their other daughter develops cancer-and later on a heart ailment, which ends up killing her. It’s never explained why these ghosts are angry, other than that their resting place has been disturbed. David Soul (Starsky & Hutch) is the neighbor, who is reluctant to admit anything weird is going on, even after the crew digging a hole for his new pool uncovers two old bodies. At the end of the movie there is a paragraph that states that all five families moved and lost all their money on the houses, so I’m assuming this movie is based on a real-life story. Too bad they couldn’t make it more interesting.

Haunting of Molly Hartley, The (2008)

In 1997 a father kills his daughter because he doesn’t want her to reach her 18th birthday next week, saying that he “can’t let THEM have her”. Then, the story goes to 2008 where Molly (Haley Bennett) is the new student at a prep school. She is still traumatized from when her mother tried stabbing her to death with a knife. The mother is now in a mental institution at the edge of town, diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic. But Molly is hearing voices and seeing things and she’s afraid she may be going crazy as well. She gets bloody noses and faints after which she’s taken to the hospital and diagnosed with a small tumor in her sinuses that is probably the source of her hallucinations.

On the first day of school she’s befriended by Alexis, a girl who makes it very clear she’s a Christian. This girl continually says she wants to help Molly by saving her soul. Molly also gets the attention of the blonde rich boy in school, which makes the guy’s bitchy girlfriend very angry. When she’s invited to a party he’s giving there’s a confrontation between the two girls and Molly wins by breaking her arm. Molly’s father (Jake Weber of Medium) is truly concerned about her, especially when she starts seeing her mother around every corner. The mother does eventually show up there’s a fatal confrontation...

I liked this movie. There are virtually no special effects and I don’t think the words “the devil” or “satan” are used in the entire film, which is interesting. The movie also keeps you guessing as to what’s really happening—is she going to be possessed or is she simply crazy? It kept me guessing until the end and the ending is unexpected. Overall, The Haunting of Molly Hartley is like an extended version of the TV series 90210 crossed with a 70’s TV movie about the devil, like Satan’s School for Girls.

Haven: Season One (2010)

The first episode of this Syfy show introduces us to Audrey Parker, who is assigned by her boss to go after a fugitive who may have returned to his home town of Haven, Maine. She goes there only to discover that he’s dead and washed up on the beach. In a previous scene we see that he had been flung, by an invisible force, over the edge of a rocky cliff. There’s also these weird weather patterns, with fog mysteriously appearing, lightning, and hail. This all ties into an individual who has the ability to control the wind and weather. It’s during this episode that Audrey sees a thirty-year old photo of someone who looks exactly like her—and as she’s an orphan, raised by the State, she thinks this may be her mother. So she takes some time off and decides to stay in town to investigate this. So the town’s sheriff hires her to work with his son, who is also the deputy. The son is rather wooden, which makes sense since he can’t feel anything (he’s numb all over). Then, there’s a story which involves an alcoholic reverend (Stephen McHattie of Whatever Happened to Rosemary’s Baby?) who may be able to move objects with his mind. However, it turns out to be a foster child his daughter is looking after.

Then, there are the “typical” episodes of a genre television series with recurring characters. There’s the one in which men are dying of old age, though they were young the day before. It’s basically a twist on the succubus idea and this time there was actually a twist, which was a plus. And there’s a weird one in which members of a Hunt Club are being killed by animals—though these animals are the stuffed variety. Let’s just say that the stuffing just stops at critters. I only watched four or five episodes because Haven is so generic and middle-of-the-road in terms of a horror/fantasy show. It’s like an adult version of Eerie Indiana and well, I’ve already seen that program.

Hazing, The (2004)

Director Rolfe Kanefsky’s (There’s Nothing Out There) THE HAZING, is one of the best horror films I’ve seen all year. I really thought that this was going to be another movie where a group of college-aged youths are trapped in a house and killed off one by one, with, of course, some gratuitous nudity thrown in every ten minutes. You know, another generic movie that’s been done to death. Well, the movie IS about that particular scenario-yet Kanefsky manages to have fun with the stereotypes, and the genre, and surprisingly turns things around. None of the characters are exactly what you’d think they’d be. The script is swift, the dialogue clever, and the special effects right on the mark. A group of pledges, 3 guys and 2 women, are to obtain a long list of Halloween themed items (such as a photo of Bruce Campbell) by the next day and then spend the night in ‘Hack House’, an old mansion where the owner had killed his wife and himself years ago. The pledges are also all dressed in different Halloween costumes, from a werewolf to a space-woman. This Halloween, though, one of their college professors (Brad Dourif with an English accent) is planning on opening the gateway to hell and in the process free his soul from his body. This will make him extremely powerful and give him the ability to take over other people’s bodies. Two of the students stumble upon him standing over a dead body and he attacks them, though he himself is almost killed. They call 911 and an ambulance takes the near-dead professor to the hospital. One of the other pledges finds his ancient spell-book and reads a passage, thus finishing the ritual and opening the gateway. He’s taken over by the professor’s soul-and goes to kill his companions. There’s lots of running around, some strange things happen to a few of the peripheral characters, and the ‘hero’ turns out to be the last person you’d stereotypically see in this type of movie. It all works extremely well, even the open-ended ending. So check this movie out. It’s definitely worth a rental.

Header (2009)

This new release from Synapse Films is definitely one of the best, not to mention most offensive, horror movies of 2009 (and this past decade). I had read author Ed Lee’s novella Header years ago and when I heard someone was actually adapting it as a movie I didn’t know what to think. How could they capture the spirit of the story? But capture it they do.

It begins with a redneck named Travis being released from prison. He has nowhere to go, so he heads to his evil grandpappy’s place, a run down shack deep in the woods. Unfortunately the old man introduces him to “Headers” and Travis becomes addicted to them. The body count of the females rapidly rises. In a parallel story, Federal Agent Stewart Cummings is on the take, as he needs to pay for his girlfriend’s expensive medication. He loves her and will do anything to help her out, even if that means breaking the law. Eventually Travis and Stewart meet, in a bloody conclusion, a meeting that imparts a very specific form of revenge. If you’re a horror fan looking for an uncompromising horror film this is it. The only other movies that have disturbed me as much are the Necromantik flicks. Be warned!

Headspace (2007)

A superior psychological horror movie that starts off on a great note and remains interesting through to the end. In the intro, a disheveled father (director Larry Fesenden (Wendigo) takes his two sons away from their seemingly possessed mother (Sean Young) and shoots half of her head off with a rifle. We skip a dozen years to later to a young man living in New York City who suffers from migraines and has terrible nightmares, visions which soon become reality. Although both he and his brother were intentionally separated when they were put up for adoption by their father, they end up meeting each other by chance-and their combined mental powers open up a gate for these gargoyle-like creatures to materialize-and kill. Any movie that blows off actress Sean Young’s head within the first five minutes gets an “A” from me.

Hearse, The (1980)

A woman (Trish Vandervere), recently divorced and out of the mental hospital, decides to spend some time in the country, at an old house her aunt willed to her. But it looks as if she’s not alone— she keeps on seeing flashes of her dead aunt. A ghost? Then there’s the matter of the townspeople shunning her, because her aunt was reputed as a devil worshipper and they think she’s the same. And the most frightening thing is the hearse that pulls up in front of her house at night.... But all this weirdness aside, she decides to tough it out and stay in the house. She soon meets one of her neighbors, they spend a lot of time together and she falls in love. The only problem is that he’s dead...and he wants her to accept Satan into her life....

Heartstopper (1993)

Directed by John Russo and based on his novel, The Awakening, Heartstopper is another twist on the vampire mythos. A young doctor, condemned and put to death as a warlock in the late 1700’s, awakens in present day Pittsburgh as a fangless vampiric being who’s saliva is a deadly poison and who can walk about during the daylight hours. He meets up with museum curator Moon Zappa, falls in love, and comes across a serial killer who also seems to have the same vampiric affliction. There’s also an extended cameo by Michael J. Pollard as a ‘vampire expert’. This film is far superior to Russo’s  Santa Claws.

Heartstopper (2007)

This is an impressively good slasher movie that embraces that sub-genre and runs with it, splattering blood all the way. A convicted serial killer, who is a servant of Satan, is put to death by electrocution but that doesn’t stop him. He comes back to life in the hospital and starts killing people, including the sheriff (Robert Englund) who originally captured him. The killer wants to transplant his soul into a new body, which happens to be that of a troubled girl who is in the hospital because of a failed suicide attempt. For some reason, she is compatible with being possessed and has a connection with him.

Directed by Bob Keen.

Heatseeker (1994)

In the near future various multi-million dollar companies sponsor these kickboxing matches,pitting cybernetically enhanced humans against each other. One company wants a human champion to participate but he adamantly refuses. So what they do is kidnap his manager/girlfriend and implant a micro-chip in her so that she can’t escape. They also make her the manager/lover of the human’s arch enemy, portrayed by Gary Daniels, who does a good job of being the somewhat vacant villain. Everything ends in an ultimate showdown, with human fighting cyborg.Directed by Albert Pyun (Nemesis movies).

Heebie Jeebies (2005)

A young woman, who has psychic visions, believes that her friends from high school are in mortal danger. So what does she do? She invites them all to the old house she inherited from her grandparents. And, one by one, they are killed in grisly ways, similar to how she had dreamt the slayings. The movie is really a disguised anthology and the three tales are better than the framing Story. The movie is well-shot and well written, but some things in the editing happen too fast-such as why the heroine shaves her head (like Corey Feldman in Friday the 13th part 4), which made me have to backtrack and re-watch some scenes. Not the best movie, not the worst movie.

Heebie Jeebies (2013)

Begins with two old guys breaking into a closed gold mine that’s believed to be haunted.  Instead of finding gold they unleash a horrendous looking creature that tears them apart. It looks like a bunch of rotted corpses that melded together into a Frankenstein-like creature, with a huge mouth where its torso is. It escapes and begins killing people, among them characters portrayed by Jennifer Rubin (Nightmare on Elm Street: Dream Warriors) and Marion Ross (Happy Days, The Lake). The main character is a young deputy who is now caring for his teenaged sister because their parents died. We eventually learn that the monster was created by a witch, who was the wife of one of the Chinese miners who perished in the early 1800’s, when the mine was open. I was surprised at how much I enjoyed this movie, primarily because it’s a bit different and has a unique creature.

Helen of Troy (2003)

This made for cable movie is basically an update of those sword-and-sandal movies from the 60’s with better special effects and production value. Helen, the daughter of Zeus, is first kidnapped by Theseus, who tells her who her father is. Then she’s ‘rescued’ by her city of Sparta, only to be given to Menelaeus as his wife. Menelaeus is the brother of Agememnon, who has his eye (not to mention other body parts) on Helen. When she first sees Paris, who is a Prince of Troy, she falls immediately falls in love. Not to mention the fact that they had seen each other, through a vision, years before. Well, Helen goes back with Paris to Troy, which gives the Greeks an excuse to invade. The battle goes on for ten years, though none of the people look like they’ve aged, and Troy falls after bringing in the Trojan Horse into their city.

Hell (2011)

It’s the near feature and the sun has scorched most life from the earth. There’s a man and two sisters who are living out of their covered car, traveling from gas station to gas station. They’ve heard that there’s life and water in the mountains and that’s where they are headed. At one of their stops they meet up with another guy—and at first he seems a threat. But they end up taking him along and he’s indispensable in protecting the women. The trouble they encounter is other humans, cannibalistic humans. This apocalyptic movie is very much like the movie The Road, though not as engaging.

Hell High (1986)

In this forgotten gem of a slasher movie from the 80’s a group of out of control high schoolers decide to take out their aggression on the weird, young biology teacher, who isn’t afraid to stand up to their half wit behavior. After she humiliates the leader of the gang he plans on retaliation by having him and his friends dress up in monster costumes and going over to her house by the swamp to terrorize her. There’s only one slight problem-the picked the wrong victim. You see, 19 years earlier that teacher was a little girl who accidently killed two teenagers by throwing a bucket of mud at their speeding motorcycle. The cycle crashed, impaling the two riders. As the gang knocks on her window and makes horribly creepy noises the teacher starts having flashbacks to this fond childhood memory-and starts freaking out. Then, armed with a rock and soon a butcher knife she takes matters into her own bloody hands. A very well written movie that strives and succeeds to being different from the crop of movies it emerged from.

Hell’s Gate (2002)

A mental patient (Patsy Kensit) escapes from her institution and pursues her psychiatrist (Patrick Muldoon) while he’s on his vacation. She firmly believes that he is the reincarnation of Jack the Ripper and that she is his girlfriend, Agnes. The beginning of the movie shows her, younger, kidnapped by a gas station attendant who ties her to a bed and shocks her with electricity. He wants her to remember her previous life as he has remembered his (he was one of Jack’s prostitute victims in a previous life). She indeed remembers. She also gets the upper hand and escapes. The movie then goes to years later, where it’s explained that she has had facial surgery to make her resemble her previous incarnation (and explains why there is a completely different looking actress in the part). After she escapes her confinement she makes it to the island where her psychiatrist is staying-and becomes friends with his wife and daughter when he’s called back to the office. It’s almost too late when he realizes that she is with his family. There is a final confrontation between Agnes and he-and while he doesn’t admit that he was Jack the Ripper in his previous life it’s more than implied. He would just rather live his present life and makes that choice. As reincarnation type movies go Hell’s Gate is just ‘okay’. I think the problem is with Patsy Kensit- she’s too old for the part and they should have kept the first girl who portrayed the character in the rest of the movie. Based on the book by Douglas Clegg

Hell’s Gate: 11:11 (2005)

This is a crappy title for an average horror movie...is it a sequel? What does 11:11 mean. And do we care?A college-aged woman, who looks like she just bit into a lemon, is visited by an old childhood friend after her Aunt is mysteriously murdered. Through a scene at the beginning of the movie, we are shown that she witnessed the slaying of her mother and father by some criminals. This presumably left her unbalanced and her need to be on medication to stop her current hallucinations. They aren’t hallucinations. She has an ability to see ghosts and other things-and it’s no surprise when her ‘childhood friend’ turns out to be a creature from hell that is messing with her. There’s no need to see this one as we’ve seen it all before.

Hell’s Highway (2002)

This is one of the most enjoyable horror movies I’ve seen in a long while. It’s entertaining, cleverly written, decent acting an it definitely keeps your interest. The movie starts with a man picking up a hitchhiker—he offers her some water, she takes a drink and starts choking. She opens the door—manages to escape for a bit in the desert but is poisoned. It’s clear that the man is the serial killer talked about on the radio. Then he starts talking about ‘el diablo’ and we are shown that the water she drank from was labelled ‘holy water’. And he puts on his clerical collar—a priest. Is she a demon? He buries her alongside the road, where there are a bunch of other crosses, presumably from other victims. Suddenly, she appears a few moments later, half her face painted in demonic makeup—and kills him. The movie then cuts to a group of college age kids who are making their way from Pennsylvania to California—and they pull over to pick up a hitchhiker, who just happens to be this woman. From there it’s kind of like a female version of The Hitcher, as they are stalked by this demonic woman. She also kills a bunch of other people along the way. My favorite scene is when she hitches a ride with a guy (Ron Jeremy) who says he makes low budget horror movies. She asks if he makes money and he says ‘No, I did business with a company named Tempe but they ripped me off.’ Ha ha ha. There’s plenty of gore effects, explosions and a surprising twist ending that works extremely well. Perhaps director/writer Jeff Leroy’s best movie.

Hellblock 13 (1997)

Another anthology from Paul Talbot and Jeff Miller (Freakshow 1995) that features a wraparound story with Gunnar Hansen (Mosquito) as a prison guard and Debbie Rochon (Strawberry Estates, Tromeo & Juliet) as a deathrow prisoner, the ‘illegitimate daughter of Charles Manson’ who reads him tales from a book she is writing. There’s an effective tale about a woman haunted by the water bloated corpses of the children she murdered, a woman who wants to change the habits of her wife-beating husband with a magic potion, and a yawner about a motorcycle gang. Although a bit unfocused, this feature has great production values and features one of the best wraparounds I’ve ever seen in an anthology, so much so that far outshines the three stories!

Hellbound: Book of the Dead (2003)

A young, somewhat haggard looking woman is obsessed with obtaining a secret magical book. This book, when put together with a companion text, can bring the dead back to life. When she does find a dealer who has it she ends up shooting him instead of paying for it. Her boyfriend (Jeff Dylan Graham) is horrified by what she did but she convinces him that she can undo his death by doing the spell from the book. Well, it doesn’t work exactly how she expects it to. Her boyfriend chops up the dealers body in order to dispose of it, but not before his hand crawls away. There are some truly creepy scenes with this severed hand wandering around the house. Then, the woman’s dead father, who was a witch, returns from the dead. Man, this is one messed up looking zombie-I think it’s even better than the poster zombie for Dawn of the Dead. There’s this one scene, when he’s stalking someone, and all these maggots are dropping from his body to the floor. Aggghh. What I liked best about this movie is that it’s low key, the filmmakers didn’t choose to go the exploitive route. I hadn’t seen Jeff Dylan Graham in anything recently but Hellbound shows he’s steadily growing as an actor-a very good performance there.

Hellboy (2004)

Although I’ve never read the comic upon which this is based I was greatly impressed with this superhero/action flick. It is a lot of fun. The movie starts off at the end of World War III, where the allies have come upon a Nazi group in Scotland-who are about to open up a rift in space with the help of Gregori Rasputin. The Nazi’s plans are foiled-but not before someTHING comes through the rift. This turns out to be a small demon child, which is soon after named Hellboy. It’s adopted by the scientist who discovered him and is raised as a son. We then go to present day where Rasputin had returned and intends upon bringing the Apocalypse. It’s up to Hellboy (Ron Perlman), Abraham Sapien (a psychic amphibious guy) and a woman who can create flame-to stop that from happening. They also have to stop these things called Hellhounds, which are breeding like crazy. They look similar to the monster in The Relic but have multiple eyes and these squid-like heads. Perlman is really good in the title role-for some reason his acting comes through stronger when he’s behind makeup, whether it be in this movie or that Beauty & the Beast television show from the late 80’s. Guillermo Del Toro tops himself with the action and special effects. There is WAY more happening here than in the Blade movies.

Hellboy Animated: Sword of Storms (2007)

This first Hellboy animated movie ties in with the Guillermo Del Toro movie in that it features the voices of actors Ron Perlman and Selma Blair. The Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense sends Hellboy and Liz Sherman to investigate the disappearance of a Japanese folklore professor who has become possessed by legendary spirits. During the adventure Hellboy finds himself in what appears to be another dimension/time period and Sherman and the amphibious Abe Sapien battle monsters in the real world. Although this wasn’t a horrible movie I found it lacking the energy and entertainment of the live-action flick - and rather forgettable.

Hellboy Animated: Blood and Iron (2007)

I enjoyed this far more than the first animated feature, Sword of Storms, primarily because it deals with real monsters as opposed to Japanese mythology. The villain this time is Esbeth Bathory, a vampire thought to have been destroyed in the 1930’s. The BPA group, as a favor to a Senator, is sent to investigate a ‘Haunted’ house he purchased in the Hamptons, which contains many of the items previously owned by Bathory. The movie goes back and forth from the present to the past, where the Professor (voice of John Hurt) battles the vampire in the 1930’s. As for chronology, I’d say this takes place before the live-action movies as the Professor is still alive.

If future animated Hellboy movies are like this then they are on the right track.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008)

This new Hellboy movie has as much in common with Pan’s Labyrinth as it does the first movie, introducing an entire realm of supernatural creatures that live amongst us but are blocked from the human eye. We see a much younger Hellboy in 1955, with his father reading him a story about the Elve’s Golden Army, a tale which comes into play when an Elf seeks to resurrect this army and destroy mankind. The relationship between Hellboy and Liz Sherman (Selma Blair) as grown and matured as much as it can and Abraham Sapien gets a love-interest in the form of an elf princess . A new character, Johan Kraus, is also introduced and he’s very cool, not what you would expected. And there’s a cameo by Jimmy Kimmel. Of course, the effects are great and it’s an entertaining story. I liked it as much as the first movie, which is to say that I recommend it.

Hellbreeder (2004)

The latest in the ‘Killer Clown’ sub-genre, about a woman who is tracking this creature, called a Hellbreeder, as it slays children across the country (presumably Australia as most everyone has Australian accents). But is the killer really an ordinary drifter and she’s making up the clown in her mind? Years before, her own son was slain-and her husband and in-laws blamed her for being irresponsible in taking a walk 11:30 at night, when the murder happened. Now she somehow has a psychic link to the killings that are recurring. The only name actor in this is Dominique Pinot (Delicatessen, Alien: Resurrection), who portrays a police detective investigating the murders. My problem with this, as was my problem with Mardis Gras For the Devil, is that the good guys should never be homelier than the bad guys. Also, the demonic looking clown footage in the intro scene seems to be added on after the movie was finished, since the clown in the woman’s flashbacks is all too human, and not very threatening looking. The movie is in great need of color correction-every shot is a different color of yellow (except for that demon clown footage)-and in some scenes you can actually see the color change around as if they were messing with it while transferring the film to tape.With an ambiguous ending and not very engaging characters I can’t say that I recommend this movie.

Hellgate: The House That Screamed 2 (2001)

This is the best Polonia Bros. Entertainment movie I’ve seen, concerning a group of Psychic investigators (led by Jon McBride) who decide to check out a house with an extremely violent past. Using flashbacks of the first film to great effect, we are shown some of the house’s past victims and are also introduced to some new creatures (created by effects maestro Brett Piper). And there are some truly chilling moments, something rarely accomplished in direct-to-video haunted house movies (Strawberry Estates, et cetera). There’s even a gratuitous shower scene by scream queen Leslie Culton (who also puts in a very good performance).

Hellinger (1999)

This low budget independent film from Rounds Entertainment concerns a young woman named Melissa who brings forth a character called Hellinger. When she was a child she witnessed the creature kill her abusive father. Now, the creature seems to be visiting her more and more. At this time killings are happening in New York City and a tattooed detective gets involved. We find out that Hellinger was once a priest-who wanted to see ‘God’s Kingdom’ with his own eyes-and was cast out. Now, a creature of evil, he often destroys people by stealing their eyes. Although much of the acting is uneven, the script even more uneven (good scene, bad scene, good scene, et cetera), and has some of the most irritating cliched characters such as the police cheif, the detective, the evangelist and a therapist who seems to know absolutely NOTHING about how therapy is supposed to work, it is very well shot movie and has decent production values. The character of Hellinger is chilling, like a demonic Pee Wee Herman crossed with Hellraiser’s Pinhead.

Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2002)

Although I spent the first half hour of this movie wondering why this was a Hellraiser movie (it seemed more like Attic Expeditions 2!) it picked up in the 2nd act, particularly when Kirsty’s connection falls in to place. In the intervening years since Hellraiser 2 she had gotten married, but the man she married turns out to be a bit too much like her father... I won’t give away the satisfactory twist ending but it more than makes up for Hellraiser 3 and 4.

Hellraiser: Deader (2005)

Surprisingly, this is one of the better Hellraiser movies. In fact, this movie originally started off as a movie unrelated to that franchise. Kari Wuhrer is a jaded journalist who is sent on an ‘undercover’ assignment to investigate the seeming resurrection of a young woman by a group of creepy individuals who call themselves Deaders. One of the best scenes is when she breaks into an apartment and, in order to get the information she needs, has to creep by a dead, stinking corpse that’s blocking her way. Another effective scene involves a moving train in which this weird party is perpetually happening-and this later on gets turned into Pinhead’s playground. But perhaps my favorite shot is when hooked chains erupt from the Hellraiser box and latch onto Wuhrer’s face. Deader is what a Hellraiser movie should be-grim, unrelenting and nasty.

Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005)

Although Pinhead has more screen time in this movie than in the last several Hellraiser movies, it doesn’t make up for the plot-line. The movie starts with the funeral of a young man who took the Hellraiser internet game too seriously and burned himself alive. His friends, who also played the game, meet up a year later and are invited to a Hellraiser party at this creepy mansion run by Lance Henriksen. He gives them a tour of all his unusual artifacts and they don’t take him too seriously. The movie also features actress Katheryn Winnick (Satan’s Little Helper), who gives a good performance. Up until the last fifteen minutes this sequel held my attention-then it was like they pulled a rabbit out of their ass and tried to give the movie this ‘clever’ twist, which didn’t work at all.

Hellraiser: Revelations (2012)

This installment of the Hellraiser franchise begins with two friends who are partying and videotaping their exploits. They get the hellraiser box puzzle box and bring froth pinhead—and it’s captured on tape. Then, later, we go to the missing guy’s family. The mother is a wreck, the girlfriend wants to know what’s on the tape—so she watches it. The family argues amongst themselves the movie cuts back an forth to them and Pinhead. He’s transforming the son into a cenobite.

Hellswarm (2003)

All these Sci-Fi Channel original movies are starting to look the same to me, perhaps because they all follow the same cookie cutter formula and borrow heavily from other science-fiction movies. In this particular version a cop kills his alien possessed partner and is sentenced to lethal injection by the justice system. He wakes up, alive, and is told by Tim Matheson that his death was faked in order for him to work for a secret government organization that hunts and kills the alien threat. It’s explained that the first wave of creatures possessed humans and took over their bodies. The second wave of creatures are their offspring, who are biologically excellerrated so that they become adults in a matter of days after being born. One of the aliens impersonates the cop’s wife, she gets pregnant, and has a son who he later has to kill. And the movie is totally open ended so it could possibly be turned into a lame-ass series.

Helter Skelter (1976)

This made-for-television movie is a grim accounting of the Manson family murders, primarily from the prosecuting attorney’s point of view (Vincent Bugliosi—the movie was based on his book). Steve Railsback is utterly convincing as Manson, especially with those crazy eyes. The movie starts with the police investigating the aftermath of the Sharon Tate murders and how the police were going about trying to find the killer. They believed it to be drug related-and it turned out not to be the case.After enough evidence is gathered—some fingerprints, and the testimony of some of the people involved-Manson is arrested and charged with being responsible for the murders. Although Manson didn’t personally murder any of the people it was him who directed his followers to do it. And his followers are some weirded-out Hippies, particularly the women, who follow his orders without question. At one point, when Manson shaves his head, all the women do as well. When several of the women who committed the murders are questioned, they admit that they feel no remorse whatsoever. I had never seen this movie before so it was interesting finding out exactly what the Manson Family was about and who was responsible for the crimes.I believe that a new movie, based on the same book, is now being made.

Helter Skelter (2004)

Although based on the same book by Vincent Bugliosi, this is a very different perspective than the previous 1976 movie. Here, the story isn’t book-ended by the court-room drama, going back and forth to flashbacks. Instead, it’s quite linear, starting from the first murder of the Manson did (a guy who owed Charles money) to the final court judgement. The film also shows us Sharon Tate and her friends, before they are slain, as well as Roman Polanski’s reaction against the press for how they are negatively presenting him and his wife in the media. Jeremy Davis (Solaris, Lost, Justified TV series) does a great performance as Charles Manson, though no one can really compare to a crazy-acting Steve Railsback (Manson in the original). Marquerite Moreau (Firestarter: Rekindled, Queen of the Damned) is creepy as ‘Sadie’-she kills with such glee!. The movie never show the crazy chicks with the shaved heads, though, as the movie ends before that scenario.

Hercules (2005)

This a very long(winded) version of the Hercules tale, which seems to go out of its way to be as different as possible from the Sam Raimi produced series that starred Kevin Sorbo (Andromeda). Even the creatures he encounters while performing his various labors are changed-the Stymphalian birds aren’t birds, but Harpies, the Nemean Lion is a man-sized Sphinx, and the Cretan Bull not a bull, but a man (who may really be Herc’s father, not Zeus). You get the idea. The computer generated special effects fall a bit short, particularly when depicting the running Centaur and even the Hydra. The depiction of Hades is also a disappointment. The biggest problem, however, is that we get bored of Hercules very early on in the movie, which is not a good thing. It was a labor to watch!

Hereafter (2010)

George Lonegan (Matt Damon) is a sad, introverted blue-collar worker who used to be a famous, practicing psychic. But he felt that using his powers was a curse and that it prevented him from living his own life. So he keeps a low-profile. But his interfering brother (Jay Mohr of Ghost Whisperer, Cherry Falls) sets up “one last job” for him, reconnecting a guy with his recently dead wife. This simply confirms to the audience that Lonegan is indeed the real deal.

In another story, in France, Marie Lelay is a famous television investigator/personality who has a near-death experience after almost dying in a tsunami. She quits her job to pursue writing a book about the experience. Because of it, she loses her boyfriend and her employment. Then, in England, there’s a young boy who loses his identical twin brother in a traffic accident and can’t let go of his memory.

By the end of the movie all three of these seemingly separate stories connect in a satisfying way. There’s nothing profound or particularly new about this Clint Eastwood directed movie on Near-Death Experiences but it does manage to hook you in with this trio of extremely sad, human characters.

Hex: Season One (2003)

I suppose this is the UK’s answer to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, as it has a witch, a lesbian ghost, a Faith-a-like demon slayer and assorted otherworldly creatures.

Introverted Cassie, who is at a private school, turns out to be the descendant of a witch and has those witch-like powers as well. She ends up being wooed by Azazael, one of Fallen Angels who like having sex with human women. It turns out that Cassie is in a long line of women looked after by the demon - and what he wants from her is a son, which she eventually gives birth to. But far too many things are left unexplained, particularly why Azazael hasn’t been able to breed before, as you figure he’s been having sex with human women for thousands upon thousands of years. I could also do without the whining of the lesbian ghost character. She was interesting the first few episodes but after that you want her to “walk into the light” and go away.

What was surprising, though, is that the series kills off one of the main characters and replaces her with a more interesting character introduced in the last few episodes of the season. It’s another witch, but someone who has far more many problems than the character she replaced.

Hex: Season Two (2004)

I didn’t find the second season of this UK show nearly as enjoyable as the first season, though it does do some interesting thing with the recurring characters. In the first season the main character, Cassie, died shortly after giving birth to a demon/human hybrid named Malachi. In the second season Ella Dee, a 500 year old witch whose job is it is to prevent such a birth, is now the primary character.

Thelma Bates (Jemima Rooper) returns as the lesbian ghost. The season begins with Ella committed to an insane asylum because she’s being drugged with St. John’s Wort, which is draining her powers and killing her. The new headmaster of the school, a priest (who is also a demon) wants to keep Ella there. So it’s up to Thelma and Emma’s new boyfriend, Leon Taylor, to get her out of the loony bin and restore her power. In the first season Leon seemed to be more of a villain towards Cassie but his relationship with Ella has changed him for the better. The demon/headmaster is having an affair with a student, Roxanne, which causes a scandal when their sexual antics are caught on tape. Roxanne retreats from becoming the center of attention and by the end of the season becomes one of the more “pure” characters.

In the meantime the baby Malachi has grown into a teenager within six-month’s time and enrolls as a new student. He and Ella are attracted to one another yet they’re supposed to kill each other. Malachi menages to get the ghost Thelma to do some of his bidding and quickly contaminates the student body by transforming them into incubi and succubi, which increases his power. After all, he’s the one who will begin the Apocalypse. The last episode tries to bring some closure to the story line but it feels too rushed and unsatisfying.

Hidden (2009)

The opening scene takes place in 1989 in Norway, with a half-naked boy running through the woods and across a road. This causes a truck to swerve and hit a parked car, killing the couple inside. Unfortunately their son was outside, taking a pee, and witnesses the whole thing. This is Peter.

Then, in present day, a guy named Kai returns to his home town after twenty years, to make arrangements for his mother’s funeral. He seems very reluctant to go—but when he sees her body he wants to make sure she is indeed dead so he breaks her finger. He’s satisfied when she doesn’t react to this. Then, he goes off to revisit his old house, where he lived before taken into protective custody and raised in foster homes. He goes from room to room and there’s flashbacks of some memories. One of the rooms has this huge pile of dolls all wrapped up like mummies. It seems that he’s the kid we say at the beginning of the film, running through the woods. He gets creeped out at the house, especially by this bouncing red ball, so he checks himself into a local motel. There, he gets a phone call—and it’s coming from the house—so he drives back there. At the same there’s a young couple who are exploring the house, thinking it abandoned, and he watches them for a while—until they are hunted down by some other guy. Kai is befriended by a local police woman, Sara, from the beginning, and she’s investigating the couple’s disappearance. Other police suspect Kai may have something to do with it but she’s somewhat protective of him, knowing what he went through as a child and how that probably affected him. When they are exploring the house again he shows her a hidden room down in the basement, where he was imprisoned while his mother tortured him.

For the first hour we’re not really sure if some of the things are happening in his mind or if there really is another person. He explains to Sara that it may be Peter, who was presumed to have drowned in the nearby falls and river. He thinks Peter may have been captured by his mother and imprisoned in that room, like he was, only for his entire life. This is a low-key horror movie, rather Twin Peak-ish.

Hide and Seek (2004)

This movie isn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be and features some good acting by Dakota Fanning and Robert DeNiro. After the suicide death of her mother, DeNiro decides to take his daughter from New York City to a big house secluded in the woods Upstate, probably not the best thing to do (and he’s a psychologist!). They meet some of their neighbors, Elisabeth Shue (Back to the Future II and III, Hollow Man) becomes an unlikely love-interest for DeNiro (How OLD is DeNiro now? Late sixties?) and it seems like Fanning is a ‘Bad Seed’ type kid. While the surprise ending wasn’t all that surprising once you start watching the movie, it turns out to be something not supernatural at all.

Hideous (1998)

Every so often comes a Full Moon movie I can’t complain about and this year it’s this little movie. Dr. Lorea, an insane, goateed collector of biological freaks has just acquired his most disgusting specimen-a fetus-like mutant born of toxic waste. When the creatures’ rightful owner shows up to reclaim the monster Lorea refuses to give it to him and a fight breaks out. As this is happening the little monster has awakened and has reanimated all of the other freaks in the collection, with the intention of escaping. Yet, to get out of the house they have to get past the two collectors and their henchmen, who still want to capture the vile creatures. Although the monsters are barely a step up from the Ghoulies, Benjamin Carr’s (a psuedonym for Matt Walsh) script is off-kilter enough to set this movie apart from the usual shlockfest.

High Tension (2005)

This movie doesn’t come anywhere near the hype I’ve heard about it. It’s overly long, predictable, with not so great makeup effects, predictable, has unlikable characters, and did I say it was also predictable? The majority of slasher movies previously made is better than this rerun.

Highlander: Endgame (2000)

This is the most satisfying of the Highlander sequels, wrapping up both the story with Christopher Lambert and also continuing Adrian Paul’s character, Duncan, from the successful television series. This time the villain (Bruce Payne) has recruited other immortals to help him increase his odds of winning ‘the final battle’ -and one of them is Duncan’s wife from three hundred years before. The video/DVD version is actually better than what was shown theatrically, explaining a bit more and also ending on a lighter note, which actually works much better.

Highlander: The Source (2006)

This edition to the franchise is an odd one, even for a Highlander movie. A direct sequel to Endgame, it takes place no more than a decade in the future, after society has crumbled. We learn that immortal Duncan Macleod (Adrian Paul) is married to a mortal woman named Anna and that she doesn’t want to be with him after he reveals to her that he can’t reproduce. She wants children. Nevertheless, he shadows her and protects her from harm in this apocalyptic world.

A time is soon nearing when all the planets and stars will line up, when ‘The Source’ makes itself known. This is supposedly where immortals got their power from - and it’s something they covet. We’re introduced to ‘The Elder’ and ‘The Guardian’, who tried to get The Source the last time it appeared on Earth. Because they fought over it and killed the other immortals they were with, they were cursed to be a sort of living dead. The Elder is like an ancient, bloated rotted corpse while The Guardian is all white, with dead peeling flesh. The Guardian is also extremely fast, a blur, and no other immortal can match him for speed. He’s one of the better Highlander villains, not quite up to par of The Kurgan, but still up there.

Duncan’s wife Anna is also tied to all this quest for The Source because she’s having dreams telling her of its location - and that Duncan has a role to play. What that role is isn’t all that surprising, yet it does fit with explaining a lot of the Highlander mythos questions I’ve had. For example, the ‘There can only be one’ mantra they’ve all been saying has been misconstrued! The Source is a good, final installment in the Highlander series.

Highlander: The Search for Vengeance (2007)

As with the previous Highlander animated series from the early nineties, this takes place in the future, though only about a hundred years from now in which global warming, war and disease has reduced the human populace. An immortal rules what’s left of New York City and he wants to kill off anyone who doesn’t want to follow his laws. Colin MacCleod, over a thousand years old, has had many run-ins with this guy but has been unable to destroy him. He’s determined to behead him because he had killed his beloved wife long ago.

Stylistically, it’s an Anime movie, very much along the lines of the Fist of the Northstar adaptations. It’s definitely oriented more towards adults, as there’s mega-violence, nudity, sex and ample use of the “F” word. The producers of the Highlander franchise always mess around with continuity, so I have no idea how this fits in with any of the movies or the television series, yet as a stand-alone movie it is entertaining and interesting, capturing all those “Highlander elements” we’re familiar with. There can only be one!

Hills Have Eyes, The (1977)

A family on their way to California, breaks down in their camper in a desolate area of the desert. This is near where they tested nuclear bombs in the 50’s, which has affected the local population. They are mutant savages who want to have them for dinner.  It all culminates with a baby being stolen and the cannibals wanting to devour some “tenderloin baby”. The surviving  brother and sister get Ruby, sister of the mutants, to help them recover the child. There’s also a German Shepherd that is very helpful in dispatching Pluto (Michael Berryman), one of the crazy muties. Written and directed by Wes Craven (Nightmare on Elm Street, Scream series), this is to mutant families what George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead is for zombies. It’s a must see.

Hills Have Eyes, The (2006)

Surprisingly, this remake closely follows the original. More time is spent on how the nuclear testing has created the mutants, whereas in the first one it was more implied that it was from inbreeding as much as radiation. Towards the end, when one of the survivors comes across a “test town”, which has all these burnt dummies arranged as if they are living people, I thought, “okay, we get the point”. Then, when one of the mutants explains who they are and how the government is responsible for how they are now I was kind of rolling my eyes, as the exposition was a “little” forced. In the original, it was more implied that the deformities were as much caused by inbreeding as it was the radiation. There are also many more of the “Hill” people-and Ruby, who was normal looking in the first film is deformed in this one. The thing is, I didn’t find this new The Hills Have Eyes as intense or frightening as the original Wes Crave movie. The first is still the best.

Hills Have Eyes 2, The (2007)

In some regards this sequel is a better movie than The Hills Have Eyes remake. It’s also totally different than the original The Hills Have Eyes Part 2 (1985). A group of misfit National Guard trainees are diverted from their training to check on an Army outpost in the middle of New Mexico, where those mutated cannibalistic humans are living in the desert mountains. However, these creatures are more mutated and ferocious than the others we’ve seen, perhaps something to do with them living closer to where those nuclear blast sites were. In fact, several of them have very coarse, rock-like looking skin which enables them to blend themselves to the landscape. One by one the National Guardsmen are picked off and trapped on a high plateau after their climbing ropes are stolen. So, their only course of action for escape is to travel down in the mines. They must also rescue one of the women, who was captured for breeding purposes.

The premise of getting a group of misfit soldiers out in the middle of nowhere is something I’ve seen in countless low-budget productions and it’s the weakest part of the script. However, the movie is fast-paced, the monsters more ferocious and the effects more bloody than in the first movie, so it’s more of a roller coaster ride. It also ends in such as way that there could indeed be a “Hills Have Eyes 3”.

Hisss (2010)

It begins interesting enough, in prehistoric India, recounting the legend of Nagin. This is the snake goddess who can grant immortality. In the present, a really fugly white guy, dying of brain cancer, wants her power. So he hired a group of thugs to lead him to the Nagin. He witnesses two big cobras having sex and they capture the male, which he then keeps in a big aquarium in a basement. The serpent is attached to wire, which allow him to electrocute the creature. He wants Nagin to come to him and he thinks this is the way to do it. Meanwhile, there’s a police detective whose wife just had another miscarriage. They desperately want a child. But this just made me think, “Is this really a bad thing? They’re in India and there’ll be one less kid!”. Anyways, he ends up investigating murders caused by Nagin. You see, she has assumed the shape of a young woman and begins killing some of the men who captured her. And she also kills bad men along the way, like some rapists. One of them she swallows whole after she transforms into a giant cobra, leaving behind a small ball of bones, hair and clothes for the police. That was probably the best scene in the movie.

While the snake effects at the beginning are impressive, particularly her first transformation, which blends physical make-up effects and computer generated effects, the snakes look less and less real as the movie progresses, which doesn’t help. The main, thing, though is the disjointed script and the “Indian style” of acting, which I find painful. If you loved Lynch’s previous movie, Surveillance, then you should wisely avoid this horror movie.

History of Violence, A (2005)

Two violence prone robbers try to stick up a small town diner, but the diner’s owner (Viggo Mortensen) quickly takes matters into his own hands and kills them in a few minutes. Everyone there is amazed that he did this and soon the local television is tauting him as an American Hero. The last thing he wants is publicity. Soon, several suspicious characters, including a horribly scarred man with one eye (Ed Harris) show up at the diner and insist that he’s really someone else, someone they used to work with in Philadelphia. He continually denies this-until he’s forced to deal with these thugs. His wife sees the whole thing-and he finally admits that he used to be a killer, but that he’s not the same man anymore. She’s understandably upset because she now thinks she doesn’t know him at all. He takes off back to Philadelphia because he has to confront his brother (William Hurt), who he deserted years ago. Although this is an excellent character-driven movie, there’s nothing in it that would make you think it’s a David Cronenberg directed film, which is both good and bad.

The Hitcher (1986)

Jim Halsey (C. Thomas Howell of Southland) is driving across country when he encounters John Ryder (Rutger Hauer), nearly indestructible serial killer that not only pursues him but frames him for murder. Just when you think Halsey’s troubles will end, such as when Ryder is apprehended by the police, things get even worse for him. For example, he meets a girl, Nash (Jennifer Jason Leigh) along the way and something truly terrible happens to her. No one is safe.

I remember when this movie was first released in theaterss and reviewed by Siskel & Ebert on their show At the Movies, where they reamed screenwriter Eric Red a new asshole, which made me want to see the movie even more. Don’t bother ever watching the lame remake, watch this original, because it is original—and of of the best serial killer movies you’ll ever see.

Hitcher 2: I’ve Been Waiting, The (2003)

Contrary to the title, I have not been waiting for this needless sequel. It’s 15 years after the events of the first movie and C. Thomas Howell has become an on-the-edge copy as a result of his experience with Rutger Hauer, the psychotic Hitcher of the first film. After being dismissed from the police for use of over excessive force (he shot a kidnapper) he calls up an old friend to talk to, the police captain that encouraged him to become a cop-and decides to visit him in person. Unfortunately, the captain lives in the same vicinity where the first Hitcher killed all those people.So he goes back down memory lane, taking his pilot girlfriend along (Kari Wuhrer), and then starts having a freak-out when they encounter another Hitcher (Jake Busey) along the road. His girlfriend thinks he’s crazy-until it turns out her boyfriend was right. Bearing a suspicious resemblance to the Hitcher of the first movie (tall, blonde,wearing a trenchcoat), this one is about as sinister and just radiates ‘crazy’. What happens next is unexpected-but most of the remainder of the movie is a repeat of the first. From then on it’s Kari Wuhrer’s movie. The Hitcher starts framing her, the police are after her, and no one believes her. And then the ultimate showdown. If this movie had been called something else, unrelated to The Hitcher movie, it would have been okay as an action/thriller, among the hundreds of others on the video store shelves. But when you compare it to the first movie it in no way measures up. The first one, written by Eric Red (Body Parts, Bad Moon) is a horror classic. At least Hitcher 2 ended in a way that they can’t have a sequel to it.

Hitcher, The (2007)

This remake of the 80’s classic horror movie succeeds in completely sterilizing what made the original so good, namely a nihilistic and uncompromising point of view. Instead of C. Thomas Howell driving a car by himself across the West, we have a “cutesy” college couple going on a vacation who pick up a hitcher at a gas station after almost running him over on the road. While Sean Bean is well-cast as John Ryder, he’s simply not in the movie enough and we get little sense of why he’s doing what he’s doing. The ending is also quite lame, with the girl confronting the Hitcher. Don’t waste your time with this, watch the original.

Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, The (2005)

The story is of a ‘typical’ Earthman who is saved from the destruction of the planet by his best friend, who happens to be an alien. They hitch a ride on one of the spaceships blowing up the planet and these aliens are not the friendly kind. He eventually ends up on a spaceship with the President of the Universe (the always entertaining Sam Rockwell) and his depressed robot. Also on board is the man’s former love interest, who had disappeared some years earlier (she had met the President of the Universe when he was visiting Earth and decided to go back to space with him). They go in search of a massive computer that has the age old answer to the question of ‘Why?’ and the guy ends up finding why Earth was blown up in the first place.When I was watching this movie I kept on thinking, ‘Monty Python’, though none of the scenes were all that funny. This adaptation of the Douglas Adams book is also not very memorable. In fact, I watched this movie a month ago and just now remembered to review it...

Hitler’s Daughter (1990)

In this cheesy made-for-tv movie, one of three politically powerful women is actually Adolph’s daughter, intent on continuing a Fourth Reich. Is it the ambitious wife of the incumbent Vice President (Veronica Cartwright), the TV anchorwoman (Melody Anderson), or the Vice Presidential candidate (Kay Lenz) from the other party?A White House press aide named Ted Scott is given evidence that one of these women is Hitler’s daughter-and from that point on is running from his life. He’s chased by German assassins and his girlfriend is murdered. There’s lots of times he could have easily been killed yet he keeps on escaping, courtesy of the script.I watched this primarily because of the exploitive title-and because most Hitler Horror movies are a hoot. This movie met my expectations.

Hitman (2008)

The premise is that there are these assassins who have been conditioned since they were children to be killers. They all have shaved heads with bar codes on them and all are impassive. One of them (none of them have names, just numbers) is set-up by a Russian president impostor and all the other assassins are trying to kill him. He helps a young woman who is basically the president’s whore—and you get the sense that he helps her survive because he sees a kindred spirit in that they were both forced to be what they are. She wants to flee and start a new life, something he probably wants to do but can’t. There are some decent action scenes but because the main character is emotionless there’s not a lot of identifying with the characters so you don’t get all that involved with the movie. Hitman is entertaining but there’s nothing memorable about it.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012)

It begins right before the Lord of the Rings, with and elder Bilbo Baggins (Ian Holm) throwing a party at his house in the shire. Frodo (Elijah Wood) makes an appearance. Bibo then begins writing down his adventure of how he found the Ring...

The younger Bilbo (Martin Freeman) is at home when dwarves start appearing at his house. Gandalf, the wizard, had told them to go there. This includes legendary warrior Thorin Oakenshield. But why Bilbo? Because Hobbits can get into places where other beings can’t—and they need Bilbo to help them. There’s a lengthy flashback scene about the Dwarf Kingdom of Erebor, which explains that it was invaded by Orcs and then a dragon. They want to reclaim it—but it’s a long journey. Along the way they are almost killed by massive trolls, barely escape the horrors of the goblin tunnels an there’s an albino Orc that has a score to settle with Thorin. And Bilbo first meets the creature that will change his life—Gollum, who dwells at the shores of an underground lake. Bilbo takes his ring, which saves his life.

I enjoyed this movie. Think of it as “Lord of the Rings Lite”.

Hole, The (2012)

A mother (Teri Polo) moves into a new house with her two sons. She’s starting a new job, but you get the feeling they moved for an altogether different reason. Later, we learn it’s because of her ex-husband, who used to beat them all. The older brother is reluctant to make new friends—but he quickly becomes interested in the “girl next door”. And when they stumble upon a trap door in their basement, which looks like the entrance to a bottomless pit, strange things begin to happen. The hole somehow makes their fears real. It creates a puppet-clown that terrorizes the younger kid— and brings forth the dreaded father for the older boy. Even the girl is haunted by a literal ghost from her past.

The Hole is nothing new or original, basically director Joe Dante’s (Gremlins, Small Soldiers) equivalent of John Carpenter’s The Ward— a big letdown.

Hollow Man 2 (2006)

The movie begins with a new Hollow Man (Christian Slater) on the loose-and he’s trying to get a hold of a drug which will keep him from dying. The army is determined to not let him get it and they’ll go almost any means necessary. This is because this Hollow Man had a very specific agenda, something the powers that be want covered up. The doctor who has created this drug (Laura Regan) is being protected by a detective-and it’s his job to ultimately fight and defeat this invisible man. HOLLOW MAN 2 is not nearly as good as the first movie and the smaller budget is evident, as it’s primarily a by-the-numbers chase/thriller movie. I did think it appropriate, though, that they cast Christian Slater in the lead, as he’s become virtually invisible these past few years.

Hollywood Vampyr (2003)

This isn’t really a vampire movie. It’s about people who want to be like vampires, dealing with the Goth scene in Hollywood. There’s all this voice-over on how people ‘want to find truth’ et cetera, which also makes it really pretentious. And the cult leader of a particular coven, named BLOOD, is portrayed by Australian actor Trevor Goddard (Mortal Combat), who is way too old for the part of an angst ridden youth. And no matter which way you cut it, there’s absolutely nothing threatening about a guy in mascara.

Home Sick (2008)

This is one hysterical horror movie and I mean that in terms of sheer hysteria. These characters, and this film, are nuts. Nuts is good. While a group of friends are having a sort of homecoming for their friend Claire, who was in California and tried to kill herself, their party is crashed by a weird guy (Bill Moseley of The Devil’s Rejects, Texas Chainsaw II) wearing a blue suit and carrying a suitcase. Inside the suitcase are hundreds of razor blades. But he doesn’t use them on the partygoers—he uses them on himself as he coerces everyone there to name the one person that they hate the most. Once he gets all the answers he leaves. Then, the killings begin, as all those people they named are killed in horrible ways. The makeup effects are convincing, particularly the scene where Tiffany Shepis’ (Nightmare Man) foot is sliced down the middle. She’s also naked a bit and there’s this one scene, when she finds her dead mother, that gets really weird and bloody. Home Sick is the most fun I’ve had watching a splatter movie in a long time. I felt like I was watching a long lost movie from the early 80’s. Directed by Adam Wingard.

Homicidal (1961)

The film begins with William Castle introducing the movie, saying this is about some insane people. Then, after the title comes up we go to 1948, to a house where a young girl is playing with her doll. Her mischievous brother comes in and steals the doll from her. In the next scene the movie goes to present day (1961), where a blonde woman, Emily, checks into a hotel. She offers to give the bellboy two-thousand dollars if he’ll marry her the next day. She says the marriage will be annulled the following day. He figures he has nothing to lose and needs the money. They get married late at night and wake up the justice of the peace. But right after the hasty wedding she pulls out a knife and repeatedly stabs the old man. Then, she returns home, leaving her stunned groom behind. Emily is the caregiver for an old paralyzed, mute woman named Helga. Helga has a son named Warren, who is a businessman, and a step-daughter named Miriam. Warren is to inherit ten million dollars from his father’s Estate in two days, on his 21st birthday. But Emily continues to act irrationally and continues to mentally abuse Helga and cruel to Miriam. She even tells the sister that she and Warren are secretly married, which Warren admits when she confronts him about it. However, Miriam thinks something is really screwed up about Emily so she contacts the police. There’s an article in the newspaper about the justice-of-the-peace being killed and the drawing of the killer is a dead-ringer for the woman. But in order to prove it she needs the groom to identify her...

Right before the ending, when the “twist” is revealed and the reason why Emily is so nuts, there’s a break. The Fright Meter comes up, which has the sound of a beating heart, and gives the audience members a chance to leave before the shocking ending, if they choose. And the ending is a humdinger, up their with Castle’s Straight-Jacket. It’s especially weird, considering this was made forty years ago.

Honeymoon Killers, The (1970)

Martha Beck is an obese nurse, who through a lonely hearts club, meets Raymond Fernandez (Tony LoBianco). He’s a scam artist who preys upon desperately lonely women and takes their money. She figures out what he does but doesn’t care because she’s in love with him. In fact, she starts accompanying him as his ‘sister’ when he meets his new victims. But when she finds him fooling around with one of the women she swims out into a lake and almost drowns herself. This totally freaks him out and he promises not to mess around on her again. Their first murder happens when Martha gives one of the women far too many sleeping pills to take-and she’s found dead riding a bus. Then, there’s an old lady who doesn’t succumb to the sleeping pills so Martha ends up hitting her in the head with a hammer. The last-and nastiest slaying is when the kill a mother and her young daughter in order to get their money. In the end Martha finds out that her guy has been cheating on her all along when that woman confides in her that she’s pregnant by him! Right after the murders she calls the police. The next scene she’s in jail and she receives a letter from him-very much like the first letter she every received-which proclaims his love for her. She’s satisfied because she knows he can’t mess around with another woman in jail. The Honeymoon Killers is riveting viewing. The black and white film makes it feel gritty and documentary-like and the psychology of the two characters is well-explored.

Horror Castle (1963)

A rich German guy brings his wife, for the first time, to his family’s castle in Germany, where she finds a woman’s body in an iron maiden torture device. She faints and wakes up in bed, but neither the doctor or her husband believe her. She knows she wasn’t hallucinating, so she investigates the museum that’s a part of the castle and finds some underground passages. This is where ‘The Punisher’ is, a character from history who tortured and killed women who have sinned. It’s possible this killer may be her husband. Or it could be the museum’s live-in caretaker, Christopher Lee, whose face was disfigured years before in WWII. The movie does keep you guessing and I thought it interesting that the villain looks like that of Dr. Phibes (a movie made a decade later), with this grotesque skull-face.

Horror Express (1972)

A British anthropologist, Sir Alexander Saxton (Christopher Lee), discovers a frozen primitive ape-man in Manchuria, China, and ships it back on the TranSiberian train he’s taking. But there’s something alive inside the frozen corpse—and it begins to suck out the energy out of the passengers. It taks all of their memories. Basically, the “Being” that’s possessing people is an alien, who has been existing this way for millions of years. There’s a Pseudo-religious aspect to this (it may be the devil), with there being this crazy priest on board. Eventually it takes over the majority of the passengers on the train, including Tellly Savalas, who all look like white-eyed zombies.

This is an interesting, weird film. Recommended.

Horror Planet (1981)

In the future, humans are exploring the ruins on a planet to discover why the previous inhabitants disappeared. There’s an explosion, which seems to have to do with these weird crystals one of the people find. When they carry his burned body into the habitat he’s still clutching some of these crystals in one of his hands. Stephanie Beacham (Dracula 1970, Seaquest Season One) is a reporter covering this event. The injured guy wakes up and goes back into the mines. A crew member follows, her foot gets caught and she ends up cutting off her own foot with a saw only to end up freezing to death because is 90 degrees below zero. Then, a blonde woman named Sandy is impregnated by a bug-eyed monster. She starts killing her crew mates and eating them, then gives birth to twins, which look exactly like the creature that raped her. There’s also a LOT of screaming the last half hour of the movie. This is interesting, as it’s one of the first Alien “inspired” movies, though I’d say Alien Contamination and Roger Corman’s Galaxy of Terror are more entertaining. Also known as Inseminoid.

Horrors of Spider Island (1960)

At the beginning of the movie we are introduced to a bunch of dancers who are auditioning for a gig in Malaysia. It’s a weird audition with a wide variety of women—some are strippers, others are ballet dancers. The guy who hires them is named Gary. Unfortunately, on the way there, the plane catches fire and crashes nose-first into the Pacific Ocean. Fortunately, they all survive and make it to a nearby island. There’s fresh water and even a cabin. But when they open the door and walk in they find an old guy suspended in the middle of a huge spider web. Gary reads his diary and tells the women that this guy was a scientist and discovered Uranium on the island. He also reads that he had a premonition that something was going to happen to him and that he always heard a weird hissing noise since he’d been there. The group also wonders how the guy died. Well, what do they think made that gigantic spider web and put him in it?

Gary soon finds this out when he goes exploring and is bit by a really weird looking spider that’s the size of a cat. Immediately he begins to transform into this sort of were-spider and begins terrorizing the women. Two guys in a boat show up and when they see all the women think they’re in heaven. But they must also contend with the monster.

I think I would have enjoyed the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version much better.

Horseman, The (2008)

In the Australian outback a father exacts his revenge on the men he views are responsible for the death of his young adult daughter. She was found dead of a heroin overdose. Then, he gets a videotape in the mail which shows her all drugged out in a sex film. So he tracks down the distributor, then the men who made the film, killing them one by one. Basically, he’s taking out all of his frustration on them. Along the way the guy picks up a young hitcher named Alice who reminds him of his daughter. They become friends. He doesn’t tell her what he’s doing on his road trip, just that he has “business meetings”, so she’s a bit surprised when everything comes out in the open.

This is an effective revenge thriller. intensely violent, though the majority of it is off screen. Highly recommended.

Horsemen (2009)

The underwhelming Dennis Quaid (Pandorum) portrays a detective, Aiden Breslin, who lost his wife to cancer several years ago. Ever since then he’s been distant to his two young sons. In fact, the older boy is pretty much raising the younger one in his father’s absence. As you guessed it, the father is a workaholic. This time, though, he’s assigned a particularly gruesome case in which the murders are tied to the bible’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. And there’s also a website that may be responsible. One of the best scenes involves one of the killers forcing his homophobic brother to watch his brutal suicide. And there’s a creepy performance by Ziyi Zhang as murderess Kristin Spitz, who keeps an aborted baby in a zip lock bag. While some of the visuals are gory the story and (over)acting is lackluster. I knew what was going to happen every step of the way

Hospital of Terror  (1977)

The leader of a cult tries to bring a dead man back to life and fails when he has a heart attack and is taken to a nearby hospital. He dies but his spirit possesses one of the oversexed nurses, Sherri, and has her kill a few people. She talks to her doctor boyfriend in the man’s voice and tries to kill him. With the help of a blind patient, whose grandmother used to be a voodoo priestess, they are able to exorcize the demon from her. But she’s still responsible for her crimes-and ends up locked in a mental institution. This is the best Al Adamson movie I’ve seen. It is also known as Nurse Sherri, Beyond the Living or simply Terror Hospital!

Host, The (2007)

Despite all the hype about this Korean “kaiju” monster movie I was extremely disappointed in this flick. The story starts with a lab guy dumping gallons of chemicals into the nearby river, where it presumably mutates the local wildlife and ultimately spawns the title creature. It looks like a giant mud-puppy (big salamander) crossed with the monster from Tremors. And all the effects sequences of it are amazing and almost worth the price of renting the movie. However, these aren’t long enough and too much time is spent on the dynamics of a disfunctional family, which I did not find interesting or entertaining. The daughter of one of the guys is captured by the creature and she calls on a cell phone, saying she’s being kept in the big nearby sewers. They go after her but the government says that the creature is the host of some deadly virus and round up everyone to keep them under quaranty. The family escapes and goes to look for the girl in the sewers. As I said, if more time was spent on the monster and less on the humans this would have been a much better movie.

Hostel (2005)

Three guys, Paxton, Josh and Oli, backpacking and looking to have as much sex as possible, go to a Slovakian city with the hopes of meeting some beautiful girls. They meet a guy who tells them about this hostel, where there are lots of hot, ready and willing chicks, and they follow his advice and go there. But it’s a trap, the front for an elaborate conspiracy that caters to torture. Rich people pay to have someone kidnapped and then to torture them, as the main character (Jay Hernandez of Quarantine) finds out for himself.

I must say this movie is much better than I thought it would be, as I absolutely hated Eli Roth’s previous movie, Cabin Fever. The first half of the movie makes you attached to these characters and in the second half all are killed off except for one, who narrowly escapes, so you are definitely rooting for him. Even when he, by coincidence, comes across the guy who killed his best friend and takes out a bit of revenge on him.

Hostel II (2007)

This continues directly from the ending of the first movie, with frantic survivor Paxton, in a nod to Friday the 13th Part 2, meeting his end in the first few minutes. The story concentrates on a trio of young women backpacking, who end of in Slovakia and at the infamous Hostel. There’s also a second story, following two business guys who bid on killing the girls and make the trip out to the warehouse to realize their dream of murder. Things don’t go quite as planned for any of them. As good as I am at guessing what was going to happen I must say I didn’t see that ending, which worked brilliantly. Part 2 is more complex and clever than the first movie, exactly what a sequel should be—different and better than the first.

Hot Fuzz (2007)

From the guys who brought us Shaun of the Dead comes a movie that has much more in common with The Dark Secret of Harvest Home than any action movie. But that’s perfectly all right, as I love that old made-for-Tv movie. The premise is that a top policeman is relocated from London to a “quiet”, virtually crime-free town a hundred miles away because he’s been making everyone else in the department look bad, because of his hard work. Yet, he almost immediately begins to suspect something is up with the town, when people begin to die in horrible, unlikely accidents. In fact, he discovers that there have been many such accidents during the past twenty-years. Yes, they are murders. Hot Fuzz is hilarious and entertaining as an action movie but also works as a horror movie in that there is a serial killer(s?) and some gruesome, computer-enhanced gory deaths. I had to rewind the scene in which a guy is killed by a fallen church spire, which crushes his head and imbeds itself in his torso, while he’s still standing.

Hot Tub Time Machine (2010)

The premise of this time-travel comedy is that three guys, unhappy with their middle-aged lives, decide to try to recapture a moment of their youth by returning to the ski resort they frequented in college. Also along for the ride is the twenty-year old nephew of one of them. However, when they get there it’s completely run down and quite a disappointment. But then the hot tub outside their room mysteriously starts working, so they all get in and accidently spill a Russian soda on the controls. This sends them back in time, to the 80’s. The viewer still sees them as the adults but when they look in the mirror they see that they look how they did back then. At first they are reluctant to change anything but soon start having other ideas.

One of the running gags is that the bellboy (Crispin Glover of Willard, Wizard of Gore they encounter at the beginning of the movie, in the present, is missing an arm and when they go back in time he still has both...so they are waiting to see how he loses it. It’s a truly hilarious movie that definitely captures the feel of the 80’s—and that is horrifying. Highly recommended.

Hotel Transylvania (2012)

This is a clever animated movie that features comical variations of the “Classic Universal Monsters”.  It begins one hundred and eighteen years ago, with Count Dracula (voice of Adam Sandler) caring for his newborn daughter, Mavis. He’s in the midst of having a resort constructed, a haven where monsters can be safe from humans. A hundred and eighteen years later he’s preparing for his daughter’s birthday party when a hiking human stumbles upon the place. He tries to get rid of him but circumstances force him to disguise the boy as “Frankenstein’s cousin” and pawn him off as a party planner. Mavis falls for him, which brings up a lot of issues. He believes humans only want to kill monsters—and that’s what he’s always instilled in all the other creatures. But this may no longer be true...

Hotel Transylvania is basically an updated version of Mad Monster Party.

House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

Sure, this story has been done before (insane inbred family kidnaps people and tortures them until only one is left alive) but it’s never been so well done. Lots of weird characters, including a giant burned mutant, great, over-the-top performances by the actors and an  intensity you don’t see too often in theatrical movies anymore. Go see this movie.

House of Dark Shadows  (1970)

This feature movie condenses the story line of the long-running soap opera of the same name. After two-hundred years of being imprisoned in a stone coffin, Barnabas Collins is set free by the Renfield-like groundskeeper Willie Loomis. He takes residence in the abandoned mansion on the Collinwood grounds and introduces himself as a long-lost cousin from England. The family believes him. He falls in love with Maggie Evans, who he believes is the reincarnated Josette, who he was engaged to a lifetime ago. When he had told Josette that he was a vampire, she had thrown herself from the cliffs and killed herself. But someone has taken an interest in Barnabas—the family’s physician, Dr. Julia Hoffman (Grayson Hall). She thinks the vampirism is a disease and tells Barnabas she can cure him. But when he spurns her advances she refuses to treat him—and this causes him to rapidly age into a horrific looking vampire. There’s some great makeup by effects master Dick Smith.

The entire time I was watching this (probably the tenth time I’ve seen this movie in 30 years) I kept on thinking how this would really lend itself to a spoof—and lo and behold I view the trailer to Tim Burton’s remake and it does just that. Yes, I grew up watching the 70’s DARK SHADOWS and I even enjoyed the 90’S Redux—but this story is so familiar to fans that, well—what else is there to do with it?

House of Dracula (1945)

Dracula (John Carradine), aka Baron Latos, goes to the castle of Dr. Edelman (Onslow Stevens), telling him that he wants to find a cure for his vampirism. Edelman believes him and begins to work on a cure, which involves getting blood transfusions. Around the same time Lawrence Talbot (Lon Chaney, Jr) also approaches the doctor for a cure for his werewolfism. The doctor tells him that through the extract of a rare plant, he can relieve the pressure on his brain that is causing his hairy problem. When he realizes that the process won’t be soon enough before the next full moon, he tries to commit suicide by jumping off a nearby ocean cliff. Instead, he’s swept to the caves below, where he and Edelman coincidentely come upon the Frankenstein Monster, who is still clutching the skeleton of Dr. Neidmann (Boris Karloff). Things soon get out of control when, during one of the blood transfusions Dracula awakens first and reverses the flow of blood, so that the doctor gets contaminated from his vampire blood. This has a Jeckyll & Hyde effect upon him, so he becomes an evil mad scientist, intent on bringing the Frankenstein Monster to life.

Although it is never explained how Dracula has come back to life since House of Frankenstein this is a good continuation to the story. In the end, Lawrence Talbot is cured of his werewolf curse.

House of Frankenstein (1944)

Dr. Neimann (Boris Karloff), along with his hunchback assistant Daniel (J. Carroll Naish), escape from an asylum after fifteen years of imprisonment. They return to the doctor’s hometown of Visaria to get revenge on the people who committed him in the first place. Along the way they procure a travelling circus, which contains the skeletal remains of Dracula (John Carradine). Neimann pulls the stake out of the skeleton’s heart and the vampire comes to life, only to be killed by the sun soon after. Neimann travels to Frankenstein’s demolished castle, in hopes of finding the scientist’s notes, only to discover the frozen bodies of both the Frankenstein Monster and The Wolfman (last seen in Frankenstein vs. The Wolf Man) as well. He unthaws them both and convinces Lawrence Talbot (Lon Chaney Jr.) to help him resurrect the creature to full strength, telling him that he’ll then be able to work on a cure for his werewolf curse. There’s also a sub-plot, similar to that of The Hunchback of Notre Dame, that has the homicidal Daniel falling in love with a gypsy woman named Ilonka.

The movie is entertaining and paves the way for the next two Universal Classic Monster team-ups, House of Dracula and Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein.

House of the Dead (2004)

I’ve heard a lot of bad things about this movie-and they’re just about all true. The first half hour is okay, establishing the story of a bunch of college students taking a boat to a remote island for a party. It also shows that something is killing off all those partygoers on the island, quick glimpses of corpses with glowing red eyes. But once the college people start fighting the zombies the movie falls into boredom. There’s no way all these people would just happen to fight like martial arts action stars-it’s just stupid. But the thing that really irritated me-and totally took me out of the movie-were these brief cuts to the video game (on which this is based) that happen between scenes. It’s jolting, makes for a poor transition between scenes, and has nothing to do with what’s going on in the movie. And it ends like Bride of the Re-Animator! Avoid this one.

House of the Dead  2 (2006)

I watched this because I thought, “this HAS to be better than the first movie”. Boy, was I wrong. The movie seems to be influenced by the swat scene sequence in the original DAWN OF THE DEAD, consists of a lot of cheesy dialogue you only hear in bad action movies and featuring actors undeniably miscast, particularly the “solider babes” (Emmanuelle Vaugier and Victoria Pratt (Mutant X, Cleopatra 2626). This is almost as horrendous as Day of the Dead 2, though nothing could ever be as bad as that atrocity.

House of the Devil (2009)

At the beginning of this movie a college girl is set to rent a house not too far from her college campus. She has a loud, sloppy roommate in her dorm, so is anxious to leave. The landlady of the place (Dee Wallace of The Howling) likes her and agrees to waive the deposit fees. All looks up in the world for her. Then the girl answers a want ad for a babysitter that’s posted on a kiosk. She calls on a pay phone, gets an answering machine, and the guy calls her right back, telling her to meet him right away in front of the student union. She goes there and waits but he never shows up. However, when she gets back to her dorm there’s a message from him—and she reluctantly agrees to accept the job.

Since she doesn’t have a car and the guy’s house is a ways in the woods, she gets her friend to drop her off. Things get even stranger when the old guy (Tom Noonan) explains that she’s not really babysitting a child but will be watching his elderly mother. This is all too weird for her and she says she can’t do this—but he offers her four hundred dollars fro what amounts to four hours work. This will pay her rent for a month, so she stays. Then she meets his even stranger wife (Mary Waronov) who seems like she came directly from the Adams Family. Together, Noonan and Waronov remind me of the creepy old people from Rosemary’s Baby, which I’m sure is intended. As the night progresses the girl gets more and more creeped out in the big old house until she discovers just why the man was so anxious to hire her for the night. Not only is it the night of a rare lunar eclipse, it’s the night for a certain Satanic ritual....

House of the Devil is a very cool, old-fashioned horror movie that relies on the solid performances of its actors and steadily builds suspense. I also thought it very interesting that it takes place in the early 1980’s. Even the title sequence,with its use of freeze frames and the groovy font of the letters, gives it a feel of a much older film. Even the title music would be a home in a Lucio Fulci movie. I enjoyed the movie far more than the director’s previous horror movie, The Roost. Highly recommended.

House of Voices (2005)

In the early 1950’s in the French Alps an orphanage is being closed and a young woman, who is trying to hide her pregnancy, goes there to work. There’s a scene at the beginning of the movie where a boy and a girl wake up late at night and hear something in the big, old bathroom. The girl is afraid that “The Scary Children” might show up-and the boy ends up dying when he slips and hits his head. This sets the mood, as from that point on you know the place is haunted. As the young woman stays there, her only company is an old maid and a disturbed teenager who she looks after. They tell her that the building is just old and that the nightmares she has mean nothing. But she gets it in her head to explore and discover exactly who these “Scary Children” are. She gets the help of the disturbed teenager, who says she can communicate with them. When she finally does find what she’s looking for, deep beneath the building, she is surprised, as is the viewer.

House of Voices is one of the creepier movies I’ve seen in years, with a great location, rich production values and solid acting. If you enjoy movies like The Others you will like this.

House of Wax  (2005)

The newest ‘House of Wax’ movie is a surprisingly effective slasher movie that doesn’t hold back on the gore (in particular, this one scene that involves a road kill pit). It has the usual scenario of a group of young adults traversing in an area they aren’t supposed to-and in this case it’s a creepy, secluded town that has this strange Wax Museum, which is literally made out of wax. The movie does keep you guessing as to what’s going to happen next. It’s sort of The Hills Have Eyes meets Friday the 13th. One of the insane brothers (yes, there is more than one killer) does a great Bill Paxton impersonation. Most surprising of all is that Paris Hilton can actually act. I was kind of hoping to bash her performance. Oh well. When her graphic death scene happens, though, most of the entire theater audience was clapping-and I haven’t seen that reaction in a while. Recommended.

House that Vanished, The (1974)

A model, along with her abusive photographer boyfriend, get lost in the English countryside in thick fog. They stop at an ancient looking house that appears to be abandoned. It isn’t. While exploring the decrepit abode they witness a man violently killing a woman. The man is in shadows, unidentifiable. They both flee but only the woman escapes alive and makes it home. She’s disturbed by the whole ordeal and tries to put it behind her. But has the killer followed her? A suspiciously strange man moves into the apartment below her and she suspects that it’s him. In the meantime, though, she starts dating a local artist who has a big secret of his own, a secret of the Norman Bates type. An interesting movie.

How to Train Your Dragon  (2010)

A young Viking boy by the name of Hiccup (voice of Jay Baruchel of The Sorcerer’s Apprentice) doesn’t fit in with his village. They are all warriors and want to kill dragons, while he simply wants to invent things. In fact, he invents a catapult that manages to bring down a rare form of dragon, something no one else has been able to do. He goes out the next day and finds it wrapped up in the netting—but instead of killing it he sets it free. It senses he’s a friend so the creature doesn’t eat him on the spot. Hiccup sees that the creature can no longer fly, as it’s missing a fin on its tail, which keeps it off balance. So he designs an artificial fin, which he attaches, and is able to ride the dragon. While all this is secretly happening, the other youths at the village are undergoing dragon-slaying classes. Amongst them is teenaged girl Astrid, who Hiccup has a crush on. When Hiccup participates he’s able to utilize information he’s learned from his own dragon, like how to scare them with eels or put them to sleep with a touch. Eventually Hiccup shares his secret with Astrid and takes her for a wild flight, which leads them to the secret island where all the different dragons live. Its there that they discover that the lizards are under rule of a gigantic beast—and that’s where the majority of their food goes, to sate this monster. Hiccup’s father, the chief of the village (voice of Gerard Butler of 300), finds out about this and takes off to defeat it, little realizing that he and his men will be horribly outmatched. It’s at this point that they had captured his son’s dragon and are using it as a sort of compass to the location. Of course, Hiccup and his dragon come to the rescue at the end—and ultimately these Vikings and dragons establish a very different relationship.

This movie is far better than I thought it would be. While the dragons aren’t the most realistic depictions of the creatures the style is interesting—and there’s a wide variety of monsters, from small flying lizard-like ones, to two heads, to round pig-like scorchers with hummingbird wings. I would have loved to have seen this at the theater in 3-D, with all those flying scenes.

Howling: Reborn (2011)

Basically, the writer/director took cues from the very first Joe Dante movie and mixed it with a scenario for the Twilight crowd. The result is better than you’d think it would be. Will Kidman (Landon Liboiron) is an average high school student, whose mother, Kathryn (Ivana Milecevic) presumably died giving birth to him. At the very beginning of the movie he’s talking into a video camera (basically, he has the Dee Wallace part) and is going to morph into a werewolf. In a flashback scene at the beginning of the film we see that she was stalked by a werewolf—and attacked just as he was being born. Is he cursed to become a werewolf? In school he meets a mysterious girl, Eliana, who may also be a lycanthrope. His mother is leader of a werewolf pack and wants to create an army of monsters. The werewolf makeup and costumes are great, almost as good as Dog Soldiers and better than any of the Ginger Snaps movies. Next to Howling: The Freaks, this is the best HOWLING sequel. Recommended.

Hulk (2003)

The Marvel Comic adaptations have been on a great roll lately, with Spiderman, Daredevil and X2 surpassing my expectations. And I thought Hulk would continue this trend, especially after seeing the previews of how amazing a CGI Hulk looks. Although the effects were great director Ang Lee’s adaptation of the Marvel Superhero is quite a bore. The movie starts with scientist David Banner doing experiments for the government in the 60’s and injecting himself with an experimental drug. Then we go to the present, where Bruce Banner and Betty Ross are scientists working on a similar project. For a movie about dealing with the strongest of emotions-anger-there’s very little emoting from the characters. Bruce and Betty’s relationship is on hiatus because he is unable to feel. Betty’s relationship with her father, General Ross, is stereotypical and one-dimensional. Their back and forth dialogue quickly becomes repetitive. And Ross’ unwavering pursuit of the Hulk seems to come out of nowhere. Talbot, who is interested in Betty, is a greedy businessman and David Banner, Bruce’s long-absent father, is the mad scientist. There are two major flaws with the movie. The first is the entire subplot about Bruce Banner’s father. It’s needless and very unclear. He’s given as the reason for Bruce’s inner rage, having done something terrible in the past that Bruce has blocked out of his mind. It’s used as an excuse to allow Bruce to get angry, rather than just being angry about everyday things. The father is responsible for some mutated gene in his son, but what the gene does, other than allow him to survive gamma radiation, is left unclear. And the father basically transforms into the Absorbing Man by the end of the movie. Where did that come from? They should have left the father out and put in a regular, straight-forward villain like The Leader or The Gargoyle.The second problem with the movie is Bruce’s transformation into the Hulk. If the Hulk represents all of Bruce’s pent up emotions unleashed, then there should be this great sense of freedom, this catharsis that’s conveyed to the audience. Remember when Superman came out with the tag line ‘You’ll believe a man can fly’? Well, this should have been done with the green giant. There’s no joy in this.And that left very little of this movie to enjoy.

Hulk Vs. (2009)

This animated movie consists of two forty- minute animated stories. The first is Hulk Vs. Thor, which takes place almost entirely in Asgard.  Loki and the Enchantress kidnap Bruce Banner and then manage to separate him from The Hulk. Then, the put a spell on the Hulk so that Loki can control him like a puppet. Loki plans to kill Thor and wreak havoc on Asgaard while Odin is hibernating. However, The Hulk soon breaks Loki’s control, fights Thor and almost kills him but the Enchantress changes her mind and heals him so he doesn’t die. However, Loki had killed Banner so he and Thor join forces to go to Hell and retrieve his soul because that’s the only way they can get rid of the Hulk before he destroys Aasgard. This is interesting as I’ve never seen a cartoon that’s devoted so much time to Marvel’s Aasgard. The one thing I didn’t like is that they give the Hulk red eyes, which simply doesn’t work. He’s green. All green (well, except for the pants).

Hulk Vs. Wolverine chronicles the first meeting between those two characters and also manages to re-tell Wolverine’s origin story. Logan is very much the main character here. The Hulk is more talkative than in the previous cartoon and seems proportionally larger, though that may be because Wolverine is so short. The story also has a good sense of humor about it, particularly those one-liners from Deadpool.

Human Centipede, The (2009)

Dr. Heiter (Dieter Laser) is a retired surgeon who specialized in separating conjoined twins. Now he’s insane and wants to go in the other direction— splicing people together.

The beginning of the movie introduces American college girls Lindsay and Jenny, who are taking a trip across Europe. Their car breaks down and so they go for help, stumbling upon Dr. Heiter’s secluded house/laboratory. He drugs them and they awaken to find themselves strapped to surgical tables. On a nearby table is also a Japanese guy who is pissed. The crazy doctor explains, with a powerpoint presentation, how he will perform surgery on them, stringing them together mouth-to-ass, so that they’ll be like a human centipede. Of course, they are terrified.

This is an unsettling movie, up there with the original versions of Last House on the Left and I Spit on Your Grave. The movie’s strength is that it doesn’t get too overly graphic—we don’t see the surgery itself, just the aftermath with the trio bandaged together. The power of the movie is the sick idea and feeling sorry for the victims. Recommended.

Humanoids from the Deep (1997)

This remake/sequel to the Roger Corman classic seems more a remake of Attack of the Giant Leeches, with the humanoids kidnapping women and taking them to their underwater lair. But instead of sucking blood they intend to reproduce. The premise here is that scientists have genetically altered the DNA of serial killers with fish DNA in hopes of creating the ultimate soldier (of course!) and the creatures escape. This is all told through dialogue. Scientist Emma Samms, feeling guilty about all this, goes to the fishing town where the carnage ensues and befriends fish factory worker Robert Carradine. Carradine’s daughter is subsequently kidnapped by the fish-baby. Although a needless retread, this movie is far better than you think it would be, keeping in mind remakes of Wasp Woman and Piranha (the 90’s remake).

Hunchback, The (1998)

I’ve always found movies based on Victor Hugo’s book to be depressing and painful to watch, which I suppose is the point of it. In this newest version Mandy Patinkin (Alien Nation) is the deformed Quasimodo, Richard Harris (ORCA) is Dom Frollo, the monk who raised him and Salma Hayek is Esmerelda, the gypsy woman who captivates both of them. The makeup effects of the Hunchback are well done and the sets impressive for a television production. Directed by Peter Medak (The Changeling, Species II)

Hunger Games, The (2012)

In a future world where everyone is controlled by a huge government, the residents of sectors that had tried to revolt in the past are forced to participate in “The Hunger Games.” Two children are chosen from each of the twelve districts and are put in a wilderness area where they have to fight and kill each other.  There can only be one winner. Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence) takes her younger sister’s place. The other one chosen is Peeta Mellark, who is sort of a friend of hers and had helped her in a time of need. Their feelings for each other grow, which is a potential problem.

Yes, this is yet another variation of “The Most Dangerous Game”, but it has good characters and is entertaining. I particularly liked the weird animals that are in the game zone, from the giant wasps to the human faced dogs. Recommended.

Hunt for the BTK Killer (2004)

After a 31 year absence the BTK (stands for bind them, tie them, kill them) Killer makes himself known after he sees a book author on a talk show, a writer who has written a book about the BTK Killer. He starts sending letters to the local police department in Wichita, Kansas, who had never been able to catch him. The detective in charge of the investigation (Robert Forster) is very frustrated, as there are no clues to who he is. This detective was also a witness, as a rookie, to the killers’ aftermath. The viewer is shown scenes of the serial killer’s domestic life and how unobtrusive this guy is. Even his wife doesn’t suspect he’d be capable of such things. Actor Gregg Henry (Slither) does a great job as Dennis Rader (The BTK Killer), one of the better serial killer depictions in made-for-tv movies. The one thing I did find irritating about the movie, however, are the voice-overs of the detective, who goes on and on about “how can they ever feel safe?”, “how can anyone be like this killer?”, “Who can we trust?” et cetera.

Hunted, The (2002)

Aaron Hallam (Benicio Del Toro), an army soldier specially trained to slay humans, is on a killing rampage in the Pacific Northwest. He’s hunting hunters, who are using state of the art rifles and scopes to kill animals. And after he kills them he cuts up their bodies into many parts. You see, he only uses a knife as a weapon.It’s up to L.T. Bonham (Tommy Lee Jones) , the FBI tracker who trained him, to stop the murders. Although Bonham has never killed anyone he must deal with Hallam personally, as he feels responsible. There are some interesting characters here, decent fight scenes and a fairly unique serial killer. This reminded me of First Blood, though the character isn’t as sympathetic. Directed by William Friedkin.

Hunter, The (2011)

Willem Dafoe portrays Martin, a mercenary, who is hired by a biotech company to hunt the last “Tasmanian Tiger” (which have officially been extinct since the 1920’s). They want the creature’s poisonous saliva for a potential weapon. In Tasmania, Martin poses as a scientist studying Tasmanian Devils and rents out a room from a widowed woman and her two children. Her husband had disappeared the previous year and she’s still grieving. Although he goes out into the wilderness on his hunt for days at a time, he starts to get attached to this odd family. But there are conflicts with the locals, many of whom are out of a job chopping down trees. He eventually does track down the creature, which is the size of a large dog looks sort of like a hyena. The Hunter is a character study and thriller, with just a touch of a “monster movie” thrown in. Recommended.

Hunting Humans (2003)

During the day Aric Blue works at a Mortgage Company. But after hours he has an entirely different line of work-hunting humans! The movie is told from his perspective, using voice-overs and hearing what he’s thinking, which is often at odds with how he’s behaving at the moment, like when he’s talking with co-workers and wishing them dead. He prides himself on not having a pattern, like his prey, always one step ahead of the law and the ‘sheep’ he’s killing. But when he finds one of his soon-to-be victims already slain, with an attached note to him, he starts freaking out-and tries to uncover the hunter that is after him. They start playing a game, of sorts, where they try to out-do each other’s killings. But Aric does not want a rival and will go to any means to be top dog. There are lots of twists and turns and the movie’s ending successfully brings everything together. Just when you think every thing has been done about serial killers along comes Hunting Humans. Check it out.

Hunting Season (2000)

As much as I liked Jeff Leroy’s recent Hell’s Highway I really disliked Hunting Season. The problem is that it is suppossed to take place in Pennsylvania but it’s clearly the California hills (the terrain is different) and neither of the three script writers have obviously been deer hunting, as these hunters do everything they are suppossed to do wrong. There’s also characters who are bird watching and camping, but deer hunting happens during cold weather in Pennsylvania and none of those people would be doing those things, particularly during hunting season. The effects are acceptable except for these really fake looking rabbits that are obviously stuffed animals covered in blood. Anyway, the premise is that these deer hunters attack a couple who are camping—beat the crap out of the guy and gang bang the woman. It just so happens that she is a bow and arrow hunter—so the next day she goes back to hunt them all down. But she doesn’t have a bow and arrow—it’s a crossbow! Never heard of anyone huntin with one of those! Ultimately she kills them all—but there’s a twist ending seen coming from a mile away.

Husk (2011)

A group of friends are driving through farm country and corn fields when their SUV is bombarded by crows. They crash off road but no one is seriously hurt. Only one of them is missing. They go out to find him, figuring he’s dazed or something, and come across a stinky scarecrow. It looks to have human teeth. Two of the guys, the jock and the nerd, find an old farmhouse and their missing friend, who looks dead. He’s moving around but he’s clearly dead. Hence the white eyes. Meanwhile, the other two, the loner and the girl, run into some strangeness. She insists she saw someone spying on her from the cornfield and when they go to investigate find the scarecrow. She’s the next to die that night, dragged off into the fields by some unknown entity. All this is explained when one of the characters “sees” what happened in the past to the family who originally lived in the old farmhouse. One of the brothers slew the other and made him into a scarecrow and the curse has continued.

All of this is very creepy until the exact same thing happens to two of the other characters, so it got redundant in the second half, which is too bad. I was hoping for another great Scarecrow movie like DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW but only got a hint of that here...

Hybrid (1997)

The title of this new Fred Olen Ray movie is entirely appropriate, considering that 50% of it consists of scenes from other movies. There’s the spaceship from Corman’s Battle Beyond the Stars, car explosions from Deep Space and what looks like sets from Dark Universe. Of new footage there’s an extended lesbian shower scene with ‘Scream Queens’ Brinke Stevens and J.J North and a bunch of generic actors being chased by a ‘hybrid monster’ in an abandoned lab complex. A little bit of this and a little bit of that, it’s, of course, a movie we’ve all seen before.

Hybrid (2007)

A security guard, Aaron (Cory Monteith of Glee) is blinded in an accident. A Native American woman finds a dying wolf and takes it to a vet. This all unlikely coincides with a crazy doctor (Justine Bateman), with a new radical operation, transplanting those wolf eyes into him. This, of course, has side effects—such as him seeing all of this stock footage of wolves hunting bison and fighting amongst each other. He also starts to act ferocious, which we know is going to happen when we see those crazy looking, Lucan contact lenses. He ends up fleeing into the woods, killing some hunters and running off with a wolf pack. This is a complete rip-off of Jeff Leroy’s Eyes of the Werewolf. It’s also one of the lamest werewolf movies EVER since the only thing that ever transforms is his eyes.

Hydra (2009)

The story begins on a volcanic island where an archeological team, headed by a woman archeologist Dr. Valerie Cammon, believe they have uncovered a lost temple of Zeus. This is also where the Sword of Hercules is supposed to be hidden. So this immediately makes me think that 1) The volcano will explode by the end of the movie and 2) the Sword will be necessary to destroy the title monster. Then, the creature appears, a three-headed snake-like monstrosity. After the lengthy title sequence which has a theme song that sounds like a James Bond movie tune without the lyrics, the movie goes to a ship transporting four rich hunters along with four kidnapped prisoners. This is for a “Most Dangerous Game” scenario in which the hunters will try to kill these people. But the captain can’t find the island they are supposed to go to so an alternate one is found, which of course happens to be the Hydra island. A lookout party is sent out to scout the island and they are immediately killed by the creature, which we see can regenerate its heads. The prisoners are given a day’s head start before the hunters go after them. They run into Dr. Cammon, who has somehow survived for the past two months. She tells the leader of the group, an ex-special ops guy, that the only way to destroy the beast is to recover the Sword of Hercules, which is kept deep within a cave. Of course, he manages to get it and hacks off the heads.

As computer-generated giant monster movies go this is okay. The death scenes are gory, especially when the monster’s heads are fighting over a human morsel. But the stock shots of a tropical island don’t quite match up with them running around on the island, which looks like woods in California. In one scene you can even see the actors’ breath when they are breathing, which means it was pretty cold wherever they were shooting. I wouldn’t say this movie is heads above the rest but it’s entertaining enough.

Hyperdrive: Season One (2006)

This is a half-hour British comedy about the adventures of Her Majesty’s Ship Camden Lock in the year 2151. In command is the short, squat Commander Henderson (Nick Frost) who thinks he’s captain Kirk. There’s his crazy chief of security, York (Kevin Eldon), who likes to kill and torture people, and then there’s Teal (Miranda Hart), this really large woman. All the aliens refer to her as the “giant female”. There’s also Jeffers, a hippie navigator, Vine and Sandstrom, who is the ship’s pilot/cybernetic human.

Six episodes, utterly hilarious, and most (well, all) of the problems they run into are their own fault. After Henderson insults the repulsive Glish they leave behind a voracious alien, which the crew has to destroy. Then there’s the Queppu, who wear these hats the same size as their egos.

HYPERDRIVE reminds me of the 70’s TV series QUARK, though it’s done much better realized here. The first season ends with them going on their own.

Hyperdrive: Season Two (2007)

In the first episode of the second season the crew ofo the Camden Lock have sorted out their troubles wtih the British Fleet and are back to be official representatives of England. They finally encounter the Shiny Red Robots of Vortis, which were mentioned in the first season. These robots capture the ship and proceed to drain everyone of their minds. However, this backfires for the Shiny Red Robots...

Also, Something is revealed about captain Henderson which changes everything.

“I” Titles

I Am Legend (2007)

For some reason it’s always a cool thing to see New York City abandoned of people. The scenes of ‘Last Man on Earth’ Robert Neville (Will Smith) wandering the desolation of the Big Apple, whether it be hunting deer or the violent mutants humanity has transformed into, is truly fascinating to watch. In the first part of the movie we see how he survives at his Washington Square apartment with his dog Sam as his sole companion. And, of course, he’s become a little bit crazy in the past three years, since the virus struck. But as the movie progresses we see exactly why the mutants are trying to kill him. He’s been abducting them and trying out his vaccines in hopes of a cure. Unfortunately none of them worked and they all died. The reason he is alive is that he has a natural immunity.

The last third of the movie falls apart and tries to become an action movie. He meets some others who are immune to the virus and the mutants launch an all-out assault on his house. There’s explosions, explosions and more explosions. And Neville’s tale ends up with a literal bang. But by this time I was getting bored and recollecting how much better the source material (Richard Matheson’s novel) is.

I think the biggest mistake, however, is having all the mutant-humans computer generated. They just don’t look real and because of this aren’t very frightening in scenes where they’re supposed to be terrifying. Will Smith does a great job with what he has to work with but it’s not enough to pull off the movie. It ends with a thudding ‘so what’?.

I Am Number Four (2011)

This science-fiction/action movie begins in the jungles of Mexico, with a boy being killed by a dinosaur-like alien monster. As soon as this happens, it affects another teenager, John Smith, thousands of miles away, in California. He gets a burning circular scar on his leg—and he knows another one of his kind has been killed. We learn that he and his “father”, Henri (Timothy Olyphant of Hitman, A Perfect Getaway) are refugees from a defeated alien planet and that there are alien hitmen, the Mogadorians, after them. They look like humans except for gills on their faces and piranha-like teeth. So they move to the middle of nowhere and try to start over. Soon, John adopts a dog that wanders onto the property, though this turns out to be something far more than a regular canine. John also wants to be a “normal kid”, so he goes to school. There, he meets Sarah Hart (Dianna Agron of Glee—yes, she can act), who becomes the love interest. There’s also a nerd he sticks up for, who ends up helping him. He also begins to get glowing-light powers. Eventually they are joined by Number Six (Teresa Palmer of  The Sorcerer’s Apprentice), who has an entirely different ability than he has—she can teleport.

The story is almost the same as that of the television series Roswell, the animated movie Invasion America and even the 80’s show The Powers of Matthew Starr, so it’s predictable. I thought this movie was going to be Number Two, yet I was entertained.

I Am Omega (2007)

Another Asylum produced rip-off of a big Hollywood movie, this time I Am Legend. Mark Dacascos (Crow: The Series), a former special ops soldier, is living alone ever since a plague turned everyone into these type of zombies. They are sort of scabrous looking, their spines stick out of their backs and they go out in the daylight, not just at night. He gets a message on his computer, from a woman who needs help. About the same time two soldier-type guys appear in their van, saying they are on their way to help her, too. It turns out that she is immune to the plague and that she’s going to a community where they might be able to make a sure from her blood. But, surprise, those guys in the van aren’t exactly out to help her and it’s up to Dacascos to save the day, though he gets infected with the mutant strain...

What a cheap-ass movie.

I Bury the Living (1957)

Richard Boone portrays a businessman who inherits the responsibility of overseeing the running of a local cemetary. Within the graveyard’s utility building is a big map of all the graves, marked in black pins, as well as plots that are already purchased, marked with white pins. One day he accidently switches the pins on someone’s name and that person ends up dying. At first he thinks it a coincidence, but when it happens a second, and then a third and a forth, he thinks that he’s actually causing their deaths by a sort of map voodoo. I Bury the Living is interesting because it’s a unique idea (at least for the time in which it was made) and it’s unpredictable. The film very much reminded me of a William Castle (The Tingler, 13 Ghosts) movie, as it has that “feel”. Directed by Albert Band (father of Charlie “Full Moon” Band)

I, Desire (1982)

This Network television movie pits medical intern David Naughton (American Werewolf in London) against a hooker who’s also a vampire. Naughton, of course, kills her in the standard way with a stake through the heart. It’s one of the lesser made-for-television vampire movies.

I Drink Your Blood (1970)

I’d say this movie is up there with the original versions of Last House on the Left and Texas Chainsaw Massacre. A group of violent, drugged-out hippies who worship Satan come to a small town. During one of their Satanic rituals they are spied upon by a woman watching them from the woods. This turns out to be the new girlfriend of one of the hippies. Several of the men run after her and rape her. She makes her way back home. Her father, a veterinarian, decides to pay them a visit with his shotgun. They manage to take it away from him and force him to take LSD. He returns home a mess. His grandson decides that he’s really going to get revenge. The kid shoots a rabid dog, takes out some of its blood with a syringe and contaminates these beef pies that the hippies buy at the local bakery. All of them eat the food except for the one hippie whose girlfriend was raped. The hippies start going insane from the rabies and start spreading it to the remaining townsfolk and construction workers. Sort of like a zombie movie. The authorities come in and start shooting them all. I found that movie ended rather abruptly but the DVD contains a much better alternate ending that’s much more in tune with the rest of the movie.

I Inside, The (2005)

This is one of those non-linear movies, such as Jacob’s Ladder, in which the main character (Ryan Phillipe) bounces around from past to present and from one possible reality to another. A guy awakens in a hospital bed and discovers he can’t remember the past two years of his life. His wife (Piper Perabo) comes to visit him but she’s a stranger. She’s also a nasty woman and is convinced that he’s faking his amnesia. His mistress (Sarah Poley of Dawn of the Dead), on the other hand, truly loves him. Around this time he finds him back to the year 2000, two years before, where he was also admitted to the same hospital for an accident. It’s revealed that in this particular accident his brother had died. Later, we find out that he may have actually killed his sibling, though it’s not explained until the end what actually happened. The only problem I had with this movie is that I knew the ending about ten minutes into watching it (as I did with Jacob’s Ladder and Angel Heart). Nevertheless, it’s a weird and well done subtle horror movie..

I Know Who Killed Me (2007)

This is an interesting psychological study of a young woman (Lindsay Lohan) who is kidnapped and then mutilated by a deranged serial killer. She awakens two weeks later after being found and insists she is a woman named Dakota Moss, a stripper, not Aubrey, the girl who originally went missing. Is she a twin and this a sequel to The Parent Trap? Not quite. The mystery as to why she thinks she is this other person is the crux of the story and it’s interesting to keep you watching. Julia Ormond (Smilla’s Sense of Snow) gives an earnest performance as Lohan’s mother.

I Know Who Killed Me is not a bad movie. There is good production value, art direction and acting but the story comes off as more than a little pretentious at times. However, it is leaps and bounds better than the director’s previous movie, the adaptation of the Jack Ketchum novel, The Lost.

I Sell the Dead (2009)

This is about exploits of two grave robbers, Blake and Grimes (Dominic Monaghan and Larry Fessenden). In the opening moments of the film Grimes is lead to the guillotine and beheaded. Blake remains in prison and is to be executed the next morning. A priest, Father Duffy (Ron Perlman) comes to visit, saying he needs to document his account of the various crimes they are accused of. Through a series of flashbacks he tells his story, of how he got into the grave digging business as a kid as Grime’s apprentice. He also tells of a sinister doctor (Angus Scrimm) they regularly supply bodies to and he’s blackmailing them into working for free or else he’ll turn them into the local police. Then, one night the digging duo come across a woman’s body that has a wreath of garlic around her neck and a stake in her heart. They remove them, thinking it’s just stupid superstition, but she pops right up and tries to drink their blood. They re-stake her and drop her off at the doctor’s office, where he of course pulls out the stake.

There’s also a story about them digging up a strange, child-sized coffin that contains a small, gray, black-eyed creature that’s the stereotypical “Gray Alien”. The last story, about zombies, has the two joined by Blake’s new girlfriend, who is willing to murder to get what she wants, something they’ve never done. This tale ties back to exactly why the curious Father Duffy is so interested in hearing Blake’s stories.

I Sell the Dead is a fun, monster-filled movie, a throwback to the early 70’s horror flicks.

I, Robot  (2004)

Suggested by the story by Isaac Asimov’ tells you how much resemblance this movie bears to the original story. They keep the idea of a robot over-riding the three laws of robotics and killing a human but throw out the courtroom drama and make it an action movie instead. And rather than the robot being named Adam Link, his name is ‘Sonny’. Still, this Hollywood action/sci-fi movie is much better than I thought it would be. Visually, scenes reminded me of everything from The Empire Strikes Back to March of the Wooden Soldiers, which I’m sure were some intentional ‘in-jokes’. The computer special effects work extremely well in depicting robots-and it’s amazing seeing these huge crowd scenes where the robots are walking among the humans. This future version of Chicago is very convincing. Will Smith I can leave or take-it’s pretty much a rehash of his character from MIB.It is a formula movie, so everything you think will happen does happen and there’s no surprise. Yet, for some mindless entertainment this works well.

I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer (2006)

This totally unnecessary waste of time retreads the plot of the first two movies but absurdly places it in Colorado, where the ocean is over a thousand miles away. So why does the “Fisherman” appear to deal his justice? Because one of the teenagers bought his hook on Ebay, of course. The only thing that I found mildly interesting is that there is actually a supernatural reason for the killer, but this revelation comes about 80 minutes too late. I will always know to avoid these sequels...

Ice Crawlers (2003)

Just when you think you’ve seen every variation of the ‘killer animal on the loose’ movie along comes this movie, which has killer trilobites. Yes, trilobites, those small prehistoric creatures that look like horseshoe crabs. Only here they’re much bigger. It’s the usual scenario-a bunch of college aged kids trapped in a secluded area (an Arctic research station this time around), killed off one by one. One couple is killed right after they have sex, one person in a shower, et cetera. There’s even the evil bad guy who is working for the ‘corporation’ and is willing to make everyone expendable. The screenplay is a bit sloppy-at one point the scientist says they trilobites died off ten thousand years ago, then in another scene says ten million years ago-and then one hundred million years ago. They probably should have checked their facts.The effects are adequate until we see the gigantic trilobite at the end, which looks way too much like a puppet on a miniature set. Directed by John Carl Buechler.

Ice Cream Man (1995)

Clint Howard plays an escaped psycho who drives around in his ice cream truck, selling ice-cream mixed with human body parts. In fact, the inside of his vehicle is a slaughter house, with buckets of organs and frozen corpses. It’s no surprise when the local kids start disappearing. Only, he isn’t killing them—just the adults he thinks deserve it. Howard gives a solid performance and you do understand the motivations of the character fairly well. Although it won’t appeal to everyone’s tastes the gorehounds will eat this one up.

Ice From The Sun (1999)

Director Eric Stanze’s third feature is undoubtedly his best, taking thematic elements he touched upon in The Scare Game and Savage Harvest and creating a truly original horror movie that takes the notion of the ‘art film’ to a new level. Allison, who has committed suicide, is resurrected by the forces of good and evil to stop a powerful sorcerer who has upset the cosmic balance of things. Her job is to remind him what it was like to be human and to have loved someone, no small task as it seems that whatever humanity he had evaporated long ago. Caught in the middle of this is a group of six friends, who are abducted from their reality and are sacrificed, one by one, by the sorcerer in some extremely gruesome ways. Basically, they are destroyed by their worst fears. Shot in black and white and color Super 8mm and edited with a great deal of creativity,which reminded me of Lars Von Trier’s The Kingdom, Ice From the Sun is a riveting experience sure to elevate the stature of the so-called ‘Micro-Budget Film’.

Ice Queen (2005)

A frozen woman, who is all gray and gnarly looking, is being transported via a plane to some military base where she’ll be experimented upon. She’s the survivor of some prehistoric, age-age race of beings who can freeze people by touching them. She awakens from her suspended animation mid-flight and causes the plan to crash in the mountains above a ski resort. There’s a huge avalanche and the survivors are trapped inside. The scientist aboard the plane manages to survive-and he follows the ‘Ice Queen’ down to the resort, where she starts killing people. This is an Edgewood produced movie that doesn’t quite rise to the quality of their previous features-or the box cover—and the majority of the miniature special effects, such as a pile of wrecked cars and the snowed in exterior of the resort-are pretty bad. Where is Brett Piper when you need him?

Ice Road Terror (2011)

For every thirty giant monster/creature movies made for the Syfy Channel there’s one good one. And this time around this is it. Two ice-road truckers, Jack and Neal, are paid triple time to make a delivery of explosives to a rural mine site. Accompanying them is environmentalist Rachel (Brea Grant of Heroes), who ends up becoming the love interest for one of the guys. Once they get there they find that nearly everyone is slaughtered. A giant, lizard/eel creature has awakened from the ice and gone on a rampage, causing bloody, gorey destruction. It’s a creature out of Inuit legend. Unfortunately, it looks like a cartoon iguana with too many teeth. They manage to escape but it follows them by swimming underneath the ice, so for the second half of the movie they have to try to survive, until they make their final stand at an isolated cabin.

What sets Ice Road Terror apart from the rest of the generic monster movies is that it’s fun. I liked the characters, I liked the story and it has a vicious, uncompromising monster. Recommended.

Ice Spiders (2007)

Giant experimental spiders escape from a secret government lab that’s near a Ski resort, where ski champion hopefuls are training for the Olympics. There’s six of these spiders, all different looking, and they are about the size of a person. They can also withstand the cold, hence the title. It’s up to the once-famous skier named Dash (Patrick Muldoon of Starship Troopers) and the female scientist to somehow stop the carnage. A group of army guys show up, led by Thomas Calabro (who I bet is thinking about the good old days on Melrose Place). Stephen J. Cannell portrays the ski resort owner - and he’s not a bad actor.

However, Brett Piper’s Arachnia (2001), which also features prehistoric spiders and an African American Heroine, is much better. It also has cool stop-motion special effects while there’s yet more computer effects here. Also, the giant ice spiders are given sound effects, like in the movie Eight-Legged Freaks, which continues to be a bad idea. Spiders don’t make noise, even if they are big ones. And besides, it ends up being funny when it’s not supposed to be funny.

Icebreaker (1999)

This is pretty much a standard action movie with extended cameos by genre favorites Bruce Campbell (with a shaved head) and Stacy Keach (with a toupe). A ski patrol officer (Sean Astin) must stop a group of terrorists, lead by Campbell, from retrieving plutonium from a crashed airplane. Yet, the terrorists want Astin to retrieve it for them—or else they’ll kill his girlfriend and her father. Of course, he’s able to prevent them from doing so. The girlfriend is portrayed by Suzanne Turner, who first appeared in Vampires & Other Stereotypes  (Suzanne Scott). Directed by David Giancola.

Ichi The Killer (2003)

I did not like this movie one bit. Sure, it’s ultra-violent and the gore effects extremely over-the-top, reminding me of The Story of Ricky-Oh, but the film is so unpleasant to watch I felt I was sado-masochistic in viewing it. It deals with a some rival gangs, the overly-pierced man who takes them over and a VERY disturbed killer named Ichi, who kills with these blades that come out of his shoes. He leaves a big mess of body parts in his wake. Everyone ends up killing each other, though after a time of this you really don’t care. It’s too much and not entertaining.

Idaho Transfer (1973)

A scientist has discovered a way to time travel 57 years in the future but the only people who can travel must be in their early twenties or suffer fatal kidney failure as part of the “transfer” process. So his two daughters can go. Unfortunately one of them is killed when she accidently falls into a crevice, which traumatizes her younger sister, Karen.

There’s talk of them being shut down so a bunch of youngsters (one of them is Keith Carradine of Dexter) transfer themselves to the future along with limited camping supplies. When one of them tries to go back the machines don’t work, which means they were shut down on the other side. Their plan is to travel to Portland, Oregon, which is 500 miles away. They come across old abandoned vehicles, an old airport, houses and even a train. There’s also lots of “Hippie Talk”, though they are very laid back and accepting of their predicament. I think if this movie was made today all of the characters would be overly angst ridden and whiney. They eventually do encounter people and bring one back to the camp, though their meeting with the “tribe” is told by one of them and not shown, of how they were 30 years at the oldest, deaf and mostly retarded, with no language. I think this scene was a nod to Planet of the Apes, released five years before.

Karen thinks she may be pregnant but the others tell her it’s impossible and that they are all sterile because of a side effect of the time-travel process. One night she ends up sneaking away from the others and returns to their original camp. There she finds two corpses and is attacked by one of the others who has gone crazy. She almost has her head bashed in before she makes way to the machine. And this time it works. She appears back in the “present” and freaks out a guard who is puzzled how she got in the room. While he runs out and calls for some more security she locks the door, steals his food, and changes the settings on the machine before she goes back. When she returns it’s years later and Winter. The only difference this time is that she sees a car driving down a road, which means there are people here...

Idaho Transfer the most laid-back time-travel movie ever but the ending is the kicker. Directed by Peter Fonda

Identity (2003)

At first this seemed like just another serial killer movie, complete with the Bates-like motel out in the middle of nowhere. A group of very different people-a hooker, an actress, a limo driver, a cop, a convict, a family and a newly married couple-are all stranded at this desert motel during a torrential thunderstorm. All the roads are washed out and even their cell phones don’t work. And one by one they start being murdered, with a motel room key, counting backwards from 10, being left with each one of them. There’s a lot of inexplicable coincidences, particularly the fact that they all have the same birthday. And it gets weirder and weirder. Let’s just say that the entire second half of the movie keeps you guessing as to what’s going on, all the way to the end which has a quadruple twist ending that works. This is one of the most cleverly written horror movies I’ve seen.

Igor (2008)

Ever since the country of Malaria was covered by perpetual storm clouds the town has produced mad scientists’ evil inventions so that they can blackmail the world into paying them NOT to release them. All the scientists have hunchback servants all called Igor. This one particular Igor wants to be a mad scientist and when the guy he works for dies in an experiment he takes over and creates a Frankenstein like woman named Eva. But Eva is anything but evil, which causes him all sorts of problems.

I think this movie tries too hard to be Nightmare Before Christmas and in that regard it doesn’t even come close. However, there are some chuckles, almost all due to the supporting characters, which include an immortal rabbit and a brain in a jar. It’s also a hoot with Eva singing one of the songs from Annie.

Immortal (2005)

In a future New York City, about ninety-years from now, a huge Egyptian pyramid hovers over Manhattan. Within are those Egyptian dieties. The Hawk-headed god HORUS, who is to be put to death in several days for some undisclosed reason, leaves the structure on a mission on the metropolis below. He’s able to change his form from the Hawk-headed humanoid to a giant hawk and can also become ethereal and take over control of a person’s body. He does this to one such man, a criminal who is prematurely thawed from suspended animation. He takes his body because it is compatible with his. He tried taking several previous hosts but they were all killed in the process-and the police think that these murders are the result of a serial killer.Horus’ goal is to find a female he can breed with-and this female turns out to be a white skinned, blue-haired woman. The authorities think she is just another mutant but in truth she is an alien who is quickly becoming human. The big question is if she’ll be reciprocal to Horus’ attention and also if he can accomplish his goal before the authorities catch up with his host body.If you liked the surreal look of Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow and Sin City, then you should enjoy this strange science fiction film. It is definitely different.

Immortal, The  (1970)

In the movie pilot for this short-lived television show Christopher George is a test car driver who finds out that he’s not only immune to every human disease but also to old age. He will live forever. A rich industrialist, who received a liter of his blood-and was brought back from death’s door because of it-wants to capture him. He eventually does, keeping him prisoner in a huge bomb shelter beneath his mansion, but he escapes and manages to get back to his girlfriend. There’s a shoot out with some thugs, the girlfriend gets shot and he again donates a pint of his blood so that she’ll recover. This only makes other people aware of his ability. Like The Fugitive and The Incredible Hulk, about a man on the run, trying to keep his freedom.

Immortality (1998)

Jude Law (A.I., Gattaca) portrays a serial killer whogets his victims to fall in love with him before he kills them by ripping out their throats. As he tells his latest victim, Elina Lowensohn (Nadja), he needs their love in order to stay alive—and he gets this love through their blood. But he’s truly fallen in love with his new conquest and can’t quite bring himself to kill her. He starts to get sick and quickly degenerates before he succumbs to his need—and tries attacking her one last time. This movie reminded me of Romero’s Martin, in that the main character believes he is a vampire and acts on that impulse. Recommended.

Immortals (2011)

King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) is pissed off that the Greek Gods failed to save the life of his wife and child. So he goes on a mission to free the Titans from Mount Tartarus. Once free, the Titans will try to destroy their children, the Greek God Pantheon. Zeus chooses his son, Theseus, to lead a fight against Hyperion to stop him from doing this.

The production values are weird. The Greek Gods look like they are participating in a Gay Pride Parade (not that there’s anything wrong with that) but it doesn’t fit this movie. Any why does everything have the same color palatte, from the buildings to the barren landscape to the body armor? And yes, there is lots of fighting but it’s un-involving. Everyone looks the same. Ughh. Immortals is one of the worst movies I’ve seen in years. If you want to see a much better movie that is about Titans and Greek Gods, then rent out Wrath of the Titans.

Impostor (2002)

In the near future Earth is at war with the inhabitants of Alpha Centauri, who want to destroy mankind and take over the planet. Many of Earth’s cities are enclosed in protected domes. Spencer Olham, one of the scientist working on a new weapon, is suspected of being an impostor, a biological weapon created by the aliens. The authorities capture him and are about to dissect him—but he escapes. The rest of the movie is about him uncovering the truth, to prove that he is indeed the original human. Sort of like a future version of The Fugitive. This is also one of those movies where you keep and going back and forth on who is the impostor and who isn’t—and the ending comes as a surprise. Gary Sinise (The Stand) is great as Olham and Vincent D’Onofrio is effectively chilly as the government agent intent on hunting him down. Like Speilberg’s Minority Report this screenplay is based on a short story by Philip K. Dick. Between the two I’d say Imposter is the more enjoyable movie.

In the Cut (2004)

Considering how much of this movie revolves around sex it’s an extremely boring movie. A red-headed Meg Ryan is a teacher who becomes involved with a foul-mouthed detective as he’s investigating a string of serial killings. Jennifer Jason Leigh portrays her trampy sister, who is slain by the killer. Kevin Bacon has what is basically a cameo as a pathetic jilted boyfriend wannabee. There’s one gory scene involving a decapitated head but that’s as far as the blood-letting goes. The biggest problem is that none of the characters are likeable so it makes it rather excruciating to watch. Bad choice for Meg Ryan to show her goods.

In the Mouth of Madness (1995)

When I first saw this movie in the theater I wasn’t overly crazy about it. Now, years later, it seems much more coherent and creepy. I suppose it’s just one of those movies you have to see more than once to appreciate, like Alien 3 (which I like more each time I see it).An insurance investigator (Sam Neill) is sent by a publishing house to find a missing novelist who has only partly finished his newest novel. They’ve pre-sold it so they are in dire need of the remainder of the story. He’s accompanied by a woman editor (Julie Carmen of Fright Night 2).They discover that the artwork of the author’s books connect when you line them side by side, forming a map to a supposedly fictional town. They follow the directions and ultimately find the place, which is inhabited by characters from the author’s books. Did he base his stories and characters on this place or did he make all of this up-and his stories are becoming reality? Neill finds himself in a living nightmare as he encounters Lovecraftian creatures-and a final confrontation with the missing author, who admits that everything he writes becomes real. And he tells Neill that he made him up as well. He wants him to carry the rest of his newest novel, the one that ends the world, to the publishers. Of course, this doesn’t sit well with him and he determinedly escapes from the creepy town. But he can’t get rid of the novel, no matter how many times he leaves it behind or tries to destroy it. In the end he ends up at a mental institution, as the ending of the story unfolds. In the Mouth of Madness is a very good homage to H.P. Lovecraft and his works.

In The Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007)

Either Uwe Boll is improving as a director or my standards are going down the drain, but I liked this movie. It takes place in some mythical land where Burt Reynolds is king and a guy by the name of Farmer (Jason Statham) can save the kingdom from the army of horrible looking trolls commanded by Ray Liotta. There’s one goofy scene that’s out of Flash Gordon, with Kristanna Locken as the leader of vine swinging forest women. It was also unnecessary to have John Rhys-Davies in it, as it just kept on reminding me that this is not Lord of the Rings, so that kind of worked against the movie. Still, this is up there with Bloodrayne in terms of Boll’s best movies.

In the Spider’s Web (2007)

A group of people are backpacking in the jungle in India. They come across a disturbing sight—a huge spiderweb in the forest. One of the women is bitten and has a bad reaction. They are in the middle of nowhere but their guide knows of an American doctor that lives nearby. This guy, Dr Lecorpus, (Lance Henriksen) is a weirdo. He uses spiders for medication and even his hut is shaped like a huge tarantula. In fact, they learn that the whole village is part of a spider worshipping cult. There’s a harrowing sequence that takes place in a spider infested cave that I found particularly creepy. Oh, and the doctor is also harvesting organs to sell on the black market.

This is a weird movie, sort of like one of those Blood Island movies from Eddie Romero. There’s not a lot of decent killer spider movies out there so I was pleasantly surprised to see this one. Recommended.

In the Year 2889 (1967)

Joanna Ramsey and her crotchety scientist father, Captain John Ramsey, are hiding out in their secluded mountain valley house while WWIII happens. She’s bummed because her boyfriend, Steve, never made it in time and is most probably dead. But two brothers soon show up, one of them exposed to the high radioactivity. The other is clearly a potential boyfriend for Joanna. Then, another couple appears, a hoodlum and a red-headed dancer. They represent the bad part of society, obviously. The next to appear is a nearby rancher who is still making moonshine.

To explain how they have all managed to survive, the father takes out a convenient diorama and explains that it’s due to a combination of them being in a valley surrounded by lead ore, protected by the mountains and the wind currents. He also tells them, prophetically, that “they’ll live or they won’t”. He also makes it clear that he’s the number one guy in charge, though there’s not much he can do to enforce it. He constantly walks around with a geiger counter which makes little sense since he already says that they are protected in the valley.

Then, we see a mutant walking in the nearby forest. Around this time the one guy’s brother wakes up and says he can hear game in the surrounding forest. And although it’s radioactive he can eat it. He craves raw, red meat...and in the next few days he begins to become more animalistic. There’s also another manlike creature, half dead, that stumbles near there house and he’s even more mutated. Before he dies he says he “wasn’t strong enough, like the others”. Others? Can there be a huge group of ugly mutants on the other side of the valley?

Three weeks later they are all still breathing and smoking cigarettes. By now there is a new mutant spying on them, which has a psychic connection with Joanna. It turns out to be her missing boyfriend Steve, transformed into a hideous creature with a bulging white eye. But all is not lost. It begins to rain. This should be contaminated with radioactive fallout—but it’s clear—and because it’s pure the water starts killing all the new mutants, basically washing all the bad stuff away. La la la...

Overall, an inferior remake of Roger Corman’s The Day the World Ended (1955). Directed by Larry Buchanan.

In Possession (1983)

Sylvia (Carol Lynley) and her husband, Frank (Christopher Cazenove), check into their hotel room, only to find a woman and her elderly mother in their bed. They think the hotel made a mistake so they go down and get the manager, who returns to the room with them. There is no one else there—and he tells them they walked into the wrong room by mistake. They know they did not. A few years later Frank gets a job overseas and they start packing up their house. It’s then they see the same two women. Are they ghosts? Are they warning them of something? There’s a good payoff at the end I wasn’t quite expecting. This episode of Fox Mystery Theater, directed by Val Guest (Quatermas Experiment, Day the Earth Caught Fire) is an entertaining supernatural tale, with the overall feeling of an extended Night Gallery episode.

In Time  (2011)

It’s presumably hundreds of years in the future, though buildings and cars look as they do in our present time. People stop aging at age 25, then are allowed another year. But people can work for extra time and purchase extra time. In fact, the millionaires can potentially live for thousands of years. Will Salas (Justin Timberlake) is just another typical working Joe who is given a gift of a hundred years by a depressed, disillusioned rich guy. This gets him into trouble as the “Time Police”, led by Raymond Leon (Cillian Murphy of 28 Days Later) believe he killed the guy for the years. Salas flees to another zone where he meets a young woman—and takes her hostage, though she’s pretty much a willing accomplice. So from that point on it’s basically a run and chase movie

In Time is vaguely like Logan’s Run. The movie could easily have been cut half an hour in length. There’s no chemistry whatsoever between the two leads and there’s some truly lame dialogue. Basically, it’s about “What if Republicans took over the world”? since they’d make it a big pain in the ass for everyone. Not an entertaining movie.

Inalienable (2009)

A science researcher by the name of Eric Norris (Richard Hatch of Battlestar Galactica) is given a strange meteor rock from a friend, who said he found it on his property. But he also says that when he found it that it was soft and looked like some kind of jellyfish. Eric doesn’t think much about this until he discovers a tumor like growth on his side. Eric’s behavior has been different lately—he’s been feeling more positive and happy and started dating a colleague who has been interested in him for the past half year. Previously he had been in a depressed funk about the death of his wife and child who had died in a car accident when he was driving. He has the company doctor take x-rays and the growth appears to be some type of parasite which has imbedded itself in his organs and nervous system. The doctor tells him he’ll probably die soon. But Eric’s new girlfriend, also a scientist, thinks that he may be pregnant and will give birth to this creature, which is rapidly gestating. And yes, he does indeed give birth to an odd looking tentacled alien. Eric’s boss (Walter Koenig, who also produced the movie), however, has it in for him so when the government captures the creature and Eric, he’s the guy in charge of this new program. The government, of course, thinks this may be a precursor to an alien invasion but Eric simply looks on the boy as his new soon.

Inalienable has a lot of classic sci-fi elements yet remains unpredictable. The movie starts off like something out of Alien and becomes a courtroom drama to prove if the creature is human enough to be considered protected under the law. There are lots of Star Trek associated actors, including Marina Sirtis as a lawyer, Richard Herd (V: The Original Series) as a witness, Tim Russ as a newscaster, and Koenig’s co-star from Babylon 5, Patricia Tallman, who is really wicked here. Richard Hatch also gives one of his best performances as well. Recommend.

Inception (2010)

Surprisingly, I found this movie a bit long and boring. The premise is that it’s possible to enter a person’s dream state and steal information from their minds. Cobb (Leonardo DiCaprio) is an expert at this, though he’s haunted by the death of his wife, Mal, which tends to interfere with his job. She keeps on showing up in the various dreams and not in a good way. Cobb is a fugitive from the United States because they believe he murdered his wife. And because of this he can’t see his two young children. But a job comes along that may allow him back in the country. Instead of stealing an idea from someone’s mind they are hired to plant an idea in the mind of a business man, Robert Fischer (Cillian Murphy of Red Eye). His company may control more than half the world’s energy and his competitor wants to stop this. The newest member of the team is Ariadne (Ellen Page), who is very adept at manipulating the dreamscape. The scenarios get complicated, especially the dream within the dream within the dream sequences, which all have their own rules.

Inception reminds me of a cross between Ocean’s 11 and Dreamscape, only without any humor whatsoever. Sure, the visuals and action are great but I didn’t care about any of the characters. And as far as any sort of payoff, it’s all a dream so it really doesn’t matter. It’s not real. I was not that impressed.

Incredible 2-Headed Transplant, The (1971)

Bruce Dern portrays a scientist who transplants the head of an insane escaped murderer onto the body of a large retarded man. The two headed man escapes, with the murderer’s head/mind in control. The sets are cheap and the story convoluted but any movie with Dern as a crazed mad scientist and Casey Kasem as the movie’s hero is definitely worth watching. A very entertaining, schlocky movie.

Incredible Hulk, The  (2008)

This more than makes up for the first Hulk theatrical movie, basically forgetting that it happened and starting from the beginning. During the title credits we see Bruce Banner exposing himself to gamma rays in his lab and how he injures Betty Ross and General Ross in the process. Now, Banner is hiding away in Brazil, trying to keep the Hulk from resurfacing by practicing various sorts of meditation. He’s in correspondence with another scientist who may have a cure for his condition. General Ross (William Hurt) eventually tracks him down in Brazil and Banner flees back to where he considers home, the college where he was a scientist at in Virginia. There he runs back into Betty (Liv Tyler) , who doesn’t want to let him go. They both have very strong feeling for one another but he fears he’ll endanger her. Ross, meanwhile, is doing experiments on a gung-ho soldier named Emil Blonsky (Tim Roth), who craves the same physical power the Hulk has. But because he’s taking two different kinds of treatments he ends up turning into a much worse monster, The Abomination. In the end they have to rely on the Hulk to stop him.

This movie has much more in common with the television show, even having cameos by Lou Ferrigno and the character Jack McGee. The TV theme also pops up and the famous line, “Don’t make me angry....”.

They also did something I’ve been waiting for these Marvel franchises to do....they’ve crossed over with another Marvel character, this time Tony Stark, aka Iron Man, who mentions he’s putting together “a team”, which of course will be The Avengers in 2012. The Incredible Hulk  is one of the best Marvel comic character to film adaptations to date.

Incredible Melting Man, The  (1977)

Colonel Steve West, returning from an incredible history making flight to Saturn, is exposed to some strange radiation that causes his body to start melting. Soon after his return to Earth he escapes from the hospital and starts killing people because the only way he can stay alive is to consume massive quantities of human flesh. He’s basically a slimey zombie, gross-out effects provided by Rick Baker. You don’t want to be eating jello when you watch this movie! There’s really a sense of dread conveyed with this movie, primarily because you simultaneously feel sorry and repulsed by melting man. Written and Directed by William Sachs.

Incubus (1965)

This unusual feature confirms that William Shatner is one of the most entertaining actors alive today. Here he portrays a man pursued by a succubus who has fallen in love with him. She’s supposed to lead him astray, away from his inherent goodness but she’s torn between her unexpected feelings of love and her duty. The demons kill the sister he is living with and eventually bring forth the incubus, a male demon, for Shatner to battle. Of course, he eventually wins, with good triumphing over evil.

Indestructible Man (1956)

In this variation of the Frankenstein story Lon Chaney Jr portrays ‘The Butcher’, who is put to death in the gas chamber. Soon after, though, he’s accidently resurrected by two rogue scientists doing unauthorized experiments. This process makes him nearly indestructible-but it has also rendered him mute and mostly insane. The only thing on his mind is that he wants revenge on the people who sent him to prison. The story is told from the point of view of one of the detectives, who had pieced together all the various info after the case was solved. After getting his revenge Chaney is chased through the sewers-hit with a bazooka gun and set on fire. He emerges near a power plant-and electrocutes himself since his goal is done. This is a short movie (70 minutes) but a good one.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

This third Indiana Jones sequel is a fun, Summer movie, but in no way compares the the previous three Steven Spielberg movies. I think this is in part due to the fact that it’s long overdue and comes off like a “Reunion Movie” than anything else.

The film takes place in 1957 during the Cold War and the Soviets, led by pyschic Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett), are in search of a mysterious crystal skull which may be the means to a new weapon— controlling people through thought. Indiana is immediately involved from this in the beginning, which starts at “Area 51”, so we know immediately it’ll have something to do with aliens (and the “Lost Ark” makes a cameo in the warehouse). Indy then barely survives an atomic bomb test and is looked at suspiciously by the FBI, who think he might be a “Red”. Soon Indy is joined by Mutt Williams, who has been sent to retrieve him by his mother, Marion. And immediately we know that Mutt is somehow related to Jones and this “revelation” is no surprise whatsoever. My biggest problem is that Shia LaBeouf is horribly miscast as Mutt and makes a poor, nerdy action hero. Of course, Harrison Ford is getting up there in years as is Karen Allen, and this age factor was a bit distracting because I kept on thinking, “Damn, they’re old”. And although the majority of the effects are well-done as can be expected in a multi-zillion dollar Hollywood movie what the heck is it with those fake looking prairie dogs? Or the monkeys?

I remember reading, a decade ago, a script for Indian Jones and the Saucer Men and this script by David Koepp retains some of these ideas. While all the various ideas, from crystal skulls to El Dorado to psychic mind control and aliens all falls together nicely these are all elements that seem way too familiar to be all that interesting. Universal’s MUMMY movies are far more like an Indiana Jones adventure than this is.

I did, however, like that they tied the movie in with the TV series THE ADVENTURES OF YOUNG INDIANA JONES (1992), with the mention of his Pancho Villa adventure and that it attempted to give the character(s) a happy ending. What I don’t want to see are new “Indiana Jones” movies starring Shia LaBeouf.

Infected (2009)

There is an alien invasion and it’s happening through bottled water. As a new virus, called “The Boston Plague” ravages that city, the mayor is shot dead by a desperate man who insists that there is a conspiracy involving a company called Hydropure. The killer gives reporter named Ben (Gil Bellows) a vial containing some of the mayor’s blood. But it’s not normal human blood. And so he must uncover the plot. Ben’s ex-girlfriend Lisa also works at the city’s newspaper and she agrees to help him. However, their boss (Isabella Rossellini) might be a part of it, which is confirmed when she sprouts these huge alien arms from her torso and tries to kill them.

It turns out that the aliens have been here for a while and are using Hydropure to change people’s body chemistries so they’ll be perfect hosts to incubate their larval young. The Boston Plague was just an unfortunate side effect. While Infected does have the feel of a Sci-Fi Channel movie of the week about it, it’s far better than those inferior productions.

Infection (2005)

This is yet another creepy Japanese horror film, this time about a weird type of virus that is infecting the staff of a small hospital. The hospital is understaffed and under supplied, so that when an ambulance rushes in with a victim being consumed by some kind of virus, the staffs’ immediate reaction is to turn them away. So the ambulance leaves the body behind for the over-worked doctors to deal with. Soon, the body dissolves into a puddle of ooze-and then both patients and hospital workers start to become infected. Infection is heavy on mood and suspense, though I thought the story started to disintegrate towards the end. Still, it’s a horror film worth checking out.

Infestation (2009)

Cooper is a slacker who just got fired from his boring office job. He awakens to find himself wrapped up in a cocoon. In fact, everyone else there in the office is under wraps. And it’s three days later. He wakes up a few of them, including his former boss who is concerned about her daughter, Sara (Brooke Nevin). She was supposed to pick her up from work three days ago. They go outside and find her in her car, cocooned. While he’s unwrapping her a giant flying insect swoops down and carries off the screaming boss/mother.

The group of survivors from the office head out of the city, which is deserted. They have to walk because the insects are blind and navigate by sound—and cars make too much noise. Cooper, of course, is interested in Sara, but she doesn’t want anything to do with him. But a blonde television weather woman that joins the group wants him all to herself but he’s not interested in her. She even comes on to him buck naked in one scene. He pushes her away, which I honestly didn’t think was a plausible situation.

They eventually make their way to Cooper’s father’s (Ray Wise of Reaper) house. He’s alive and wants to kick some giant insect butt. He was military so he not only has a bomb shelter under the house but tons of weapons. When Sara is captured by the insects and taken to their hive, which is this huge pocked meteor that had crashed the country, Cooper wants to rescue her.

Infestation has some great special effects, especially these half human/zombie/insects that are used as slave labor. There’s even a hybrid poodle! While not as funny as such recent movies as Zombie Land it’s definitely along the same lines. And, of course, Ray Wise (Twin Peaks) is hilarious. Recommended.

Infested (2003)

This is a surprisingly well-done killer bug movie, a cross between The Big Chill and Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I am not kidding! A group of Yuppies are reunited at their friends funeral, a guy who supposedly killed himself. Then, they all decide to stay together for a weekend and one of their big houses. This includes the deceased’s young girlfriend (Amy Jo Johnson), who seems the most level headed of them all. At first one of the women is taken over while sunbathing on the beach. She quickly infects one of the guys, who has hopes of hooking up with her despite the fact that his wife is waiting back at the house for him. When his wife does come to great him he starts strangling her. The others go out to help and end up almost beheading him. Yet he is still moving about-in fact, he grabs his own dangling head and rips it off so it won’t get in the way. Of course, all the others are freaked out. From here on it’s the Night of the Living Dead scenario, as these insect possessed people try to infect the others. They eventually realize that the bugs (which look like flies) will disintegrate in light-and that’s the reason they are inside the people, controlling them. It’s dark inside a body.Eventually only the young woman and one of the guys survive-and he’s nearly overdosed on Ecstacy, which has him thinking about other things than survival. She slaps him and tells him maybe they can get a coffee afterwards, if they survive. The ending is surprising-explaining what the bugs are, why they are after this group of people. Infested is a sarcastic yet effective horror movie.

Infinite Worlds of H.G.Wells, The (2001)

An elder Wells is being interviewed for a newspaper and starts telling the reporter about what really happened that influenced his fantastic writings, some fifty years before. The stories are tied together around London’s Imperial College of Science, where he meets Jane Robbins, a scientist who is also interested in weird phenomena. The majority of the tales revolve around time, though the Crystal Egg involves an alien world, Mars, and the viewer can see how these experiences influenced his subsequent novels such as The Time Machine and War of the Worlds. It’s a clever mini-series and a good homage to the father of science-fiction.

Inhabited (2002)

A family moves into a new house, where the daughter starts having these ‘imaginary’ friends she calls fairies. There is this miniature house in the backyard, which looks like one of those cottages from a fairy tale, and she uses this as her playhouse. It turns out that it is really occupied by these goblin-like creatures. The mother puts in an advertisement at the local paper to hire a local handyman to fix up the house-and she’s soon approached by a creepy old guy who seems to know a great deal about her house. In addition to doing repairs he also keeps an eye out for the young girl, even going so far as to warn her to keep away from the ‘little people’. It turns out that he had lived in that house as a child-and his sister was blamed for the deaths of their parents and committed to an insane asylum. The real culprits were, of course, the goblins.He’s killed before the parents take him seriously and by then it’s too late. They get trapped in the house and the only way of escape is through the creature’s labyrinth of tunnels. Inhabited is a surprisingly good movie, very much like a remake of Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark.

Inner Senses (2003)

The film starts out as a ghost story, with a young woman seeing frightening apparitions wherever she goes. There are some creepy images here. Then, she’s pressured into seeing a psychiatrist by her cousin and that’s when the movie totally falls apart. It’s yet another movie where the writers know absolutely nothing about the mental health profession. The psychiatrist even sleeps with his patient as if it’s normal-and doing that is the ultimate taboo for that profession. It turns out that all the ghosts were just her brain’s way of coping with things. The Dr. also starts having weird visions, due to stress and dependence on drugs. This movie isn’t a horror movie at all-it’s a melodrama.

Innkeepers, The (2012)

It’s the last night for the Yankee Pedlar Inn. Two employees want to prove that the place is indeed haunted before it closes. They are Claire, a young woman, and Luke, a nerdish older man who has an interest in Claire. Through the long night—and unexpected guests, which includes a once-famous actress (Kellly McGillis) and an old man, they ultimately get their wish. This movie brings to mind other haunted hotel movies, like The Shining and there’s an undeniable homage to The Sentinel. The InnKeepers is an effective, low-key ghost story, though maybe a bit too low-key for the typical horror fan. Recommended. Directed by Ti West.

Innocent Prey (1984)

I was about a half-hour in to this slasher/stalker movie when I realized it was a sly parody of those same types of movies. P.J. Soles (Halloween) finds out that her husband is really a serial killer after she follows him and sees him kill a woman. He’s caught and put away in jail. Distraught, her whole world shaken apart, she decides to visit a friend in Australia. There, she meets two guys—one of them turns out to be a peeping tom, watching her every move through the video cameras he has hidden throughout the building she’s living in—and the other man seems to be the ‘hero’ type. Back in the states her husband escapes from jail and comes after her—and is ultimately killed by the hero. But it’s made very clear that he has a secret desire to kill her as well. She’s like a magnet for slashers! Very entertaining movie, maybe too subtle for its own good.

Insatiable (2007)

Sean Patrick Flannery (Powder, Young Indiana Jones, Dead Zone) portrays a nebbish who works a desk job at a company that produces Flanges. On his way back from a convenience store one night, he stumbles upon a female vampire feeding and sees her rip off the guys head and leap three storeys up into the window of an abandoned building. He tells the police what he saw but they, of course, don’t believe him. Frustrated, he goes on the internet and searches for information on vampires and comes across a web-site that is helpful. The person he communicates with tells him that he must find her and kill her, that it’s the only way to deal with the undead. It turns out that the guy, Strickland (Michael Biehn) who created this site lives in his apartment complex, which may not be an entire coincidence. Based on the recent killings and the habits of vampires, they reason that she’s hiding in one of twelve different buildings, so he goes out and searches for her. He finds her and is about to drive a spike through her heart but she begs for her life and he leaves her there. Then his obsession with her begins.

He builds a metal cage down in the basement of his apartment building (being the Super has its perks) and manages to trick her into going in it. Then, he proceeds to keep her, at first feeding her bunnies from the pet store, then she kills an electric utility guy and then he finally brings her his enemy at work, which really changes his situation.

Although Flannery is miscast as the guy, he does give it a good try, but the real star here is Charlotte Ayanna as vampiress Tatiana (that is not a picture of her on the box art, by the way). I think it would have been a slightly more interesting movie if it was more from her perspective. The Insatiable is one of the best vampire movies of 2007.

Inside (2008)

A pregnant woman whose husband died four months before in a car crash is stalked by a crazed woman (Beatrice Dahle) who wants her unborn son. Except for the scene of the car crash at the beginning of the film, and a few flashbacks, the majority of the movie takes place within the pregnant woman’s home and deals with how she tries to survive this relentless attack. It’s harrowing, creepy and keeps you glued to the tv set. This is what the movie The Strangers should have been

Insidious (2010)

A couple, Josh and Renai Lambert (Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne) and their two sons are being haunted in their new house. When this continues they move but the spirits are still following them. Their oldest son goes into a coma and months go by. They find out, with the help of a medium, Elise (Lin Shaye), that the boy is haunted. He has out-of-body experiences at night, when he sleeping, and had just thought them dreams. But he went to far and now his mind is lost in the other realm, “the further”. Now, the spirits are drawn to his comatose form, wanting to take over the boy’s body. The most malevolent creature is this spirit that looks like Darth Maul from the Star Wars movies. It’s up to the parents to somehow get their son back, which is a bit like a sequence in A Nightmare on Elm Street.  And, of course, there’s this whole nod to the ghost investigators in Poltergeist.

This is one of the creepiest horror flicks of the decade, with some truly frightening scenes. This is taken down a notch by some inane dialogue and stupid things the characters do but doesn’t detract too much from enjoying the movie.

Insomnia (2002)

Al Pacino portrays a renowned LA Detective who is helping to find the killer of a young woman in Alaska. On a fog enshrouded day they almost catch the murderer and he accidently shoots and kills his partner. He has mixed feelings about this because he’s both upset and relieved. His partner was going to make a deal with Internal Affairs and drag Pacino down with him. As days go on-the detective is unable to fall asleep because of the constant daylight of Alaska. And there’s also his guilt. You see, he covered up the fact that he shot his partner, making it look as if the girl’s murderer had done it. But the killer saw him shoot his partner and uses this against him, saying let him go or he’ll tell the truth. Robin Williams is good as the murderer with a temper as is Hillary Swank, who is the Alaskan policewoman assigned to the case. A better than average serial-killer movie, something to watch when you can’t sleep.

Intensity (2000)

This made for cable four-hour movie, based on the Dean Koontz novel of the same title, definitely lives up to its name. An emotionally wary waitress, portrayed by Molly Parker (Kissed) is invited to go to Thanksgiving dinner with her co-worker friend. She reluctantly agrees and soon comes to enjoy herself, particularly with her friend’s handsome brother. That night she awakens to a screaming noise—and she immediately senses someone is in the house. It’s a serial killer and he’s just killed her friend’s entire family. She hides under the bed and wait until he’s gone—but she’s torn between hiding until he drives away or helping—because of her traumatic childhood when felt helpless—and so ends up hiding within his large silver camper, seemingly unnoticed, witness to several more horrible murders by the maniac. But she can’t kill him because she overheard that he’s keeping a fifteen year old girl prisoner in his cellar—and the only way to find her is for him to lead her to the child. John C. McGinley portrays the serial killer.

Intermedio (2005)

This may be one of the worst horror movies I’ve seen to date, featuring some fantastically horrendous overacting by Edward Furlong (Terminator 2). Amber Benson (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) portrays his girlfriend, though there’s no chemistry between the two actors whatsoever.The premise is that two couples are going to buy some high end marijuana in order to re-sell in the States and make a bundle of money. But in order to get it they have to cross over to the Mexican border through these underground tunnels. These tunnels are said to be inhabited by spirits, which are caught there. The goofy thing is, is that these tunnels are all lighted up with light bulbs hanging from the ceiling and the characters don’t need to use flashlights or even matches. My question is-why are these tunnels wired with electricity if no one ever uses these tunnels? And how are the lights being powered to begin with? Anyways, because of this all the scenes are lit pretty much the same way, except when they pop up into these boarded up safe-houses, where the sets look really cheap. The first to get it is Furlong’s girlfriend, who is cut in half by a digital special effect. When we see her on the ground, eyes rolling back in her head, it looks like her legs are buried under the floor. The effect is totally unconvincing. The two survivors eventually run into Steve Railsback (Blue Monkey, The Stuntman), who is this crazy old man who can control the spirits in the tunnels and make them do his bidding. In a flashback we see that one of the ghosts we see throughout the movie is actually his murdered son—-and it was he who did the murdering.The dialogue is also poor, the characters unlikable and the special effects, particularly the computerized ghosts, are sub-par for a movie this is failingly trying to be. As for the direction— it takes real talent to get such bad acting out of these otherwise decent actors. I cannot NOT recommend this movie more. What a stinker!

Intruder, The (1999)

A foreign woman named Catherine (Charlotte Gainsbourg), who has just moved to the city, is mugged and helped by a guy she ends up soon marrying. The building in which they live has some strange neighbors, including Nastassja Kinski who is an art. She had had an affair with Catherine’s new husband but no one wants to talk about it. None of them want to talk about her husband’s previous wife, either, who has shot to death in a break in. Soon, though, Catherine suspects that her husband is having an affair, especially when she finds her things rearranged in the apartment. She confronts him but he denies any wrongdoing. Then, she finds the wife’s diary, which says she suspects her husband of cheating on her. The writings get more and more paranoid-and reflect the feelings that Catherine is now feeling. The mystery woman even leaves cryptic messages-and kills one of her friends by pushing her out a window.

In a total, unexpected and weird twist, it turns out that it is indeed her husband’s former wife. Somehow (it’s explained by another one of the building’s odd residents, who is a mathematician) time has gotten mixed up and Catherine and this other woman are able to see each other and exist in the same space. It’s no big surprise when we find out that Catherine is the one responsible for shooting her in the first place.

The Intruder has some good actors (Gainsbourg, Kinski, Molly Parker and John Hannah) who are totally wasted with this convoluted, amateurish and nonsensical story. It is as if the writer was making it up as he went along-and he didn’t know where he was going.

Intruder Within, The (1981)

A prehistoric alien is uncovered by Chad Everett on an oil rig. Half Alien and half The Thing adds up to a whole lot of predictability. The creature, a man in a rubber suit, looks like a monster in a similarly titled Roger Corman movie called The Terror Within (1989), which is yet another Alien-inspired movie. Funny how that works out.

Intruders (1992)

This is very similar to the Whitley Strieber Communion (1990). The four-hour movie is a subtle version of Mars Needs Women or Frankenstein vs. the Space Monster, though not nearly as thought-provoking. A psychiatrist (Richard Crenna) has several patients who tell him about their abduction, examination, and sometimes impregnation by aliens. The creatures here are the typical Pillsbury Dough-Boy big headed things that perform typical alien antics. We even get to see a half breed in one of the many many flashback sequences. Also on hand i a secret government agency whose job it is to cover up UFO investigations.

Intruders (2011)

A young boy is terrorized by a boogeyman called Hollowface, who comes into his apartment and attacks his mother. He interrupts the faceless man—and is pursued onto the workman’s scaffolding outside the building. Then we go to John Farrow (Clive Owen of King Arthur, Second Sight) and his family. His thirteen-year-old daughter, Mia, finds a story about Hollowface in the nook of a tree and in school passes it off as her own tale. But she becomes obsessed with it—and soon Hollowface makes an appearance. Meanwhile, Farrow witnesses a terrible accident at work— at the construction site a co-worker falls to his death. This affects him. The story goes back and forth between the young boy and his mother at the beginning, then to Farrow and his daughter, both of whom are now seeing the freakish creature. You’re not sure, until the end, what’s quite going on.

Intruders is an intense, creepy, extremely well-crafted film. I can see Hollowface being a recurring franchise character, up there with Freddy and Jason. Highly recommended as one of the best horror films of 2012.

Invaders, The (1967-68)

This is one of the best alien invasion series made for television. David Vincent (Roy Thinnes of Dark Shadows: The Revival, X-Files) witnesses a flying saucer landing and discovers that there are aliens scattered throughout the world, disguised as humans. Their ultimate goal is to conquer the earth. This discovery shatters Vincent’s illusions of security and his sense of reality, because now it’s plausible that his—or anyone’s—next door neighbor could be one of these creatures, who are nearly indistinguishable from us. The noticeable differences are few: sometimes they have extra long fingers and their eyes sometimes glow a bright green, and they have no heartbeats or pulses. Who can you trust? If it wasn’t for this series there would never have been an X-Files.

Invaders, The  (1996)

This made for television movie is suppossed to be a sequel to the 67/68 Television series starring Roy Thinnes. But the producers really mess this one up—it has very litte in common with that original series. In the original, the aliens assume human form and have to be ‘regenerated’ in order to maintain their disguise. Here, they impersonate people who already exist, taking on their form (a la Invasion of the Body Snatchers). There’s also no regeneration. Also, when they died in the original series they burned up in a flash of red—here they just disappear in a blinding light. They also mind control humans through implants, something that has been done to death since the 60’s. In the series the aliens were almost ready to take over the earth—so how are they still doing the same thing after thirty years? Roy Thinnes, star of the original series, makes an all too brief appearance, mostly to explain what is going on (they are terraforming earth, et cetera). A very lame invasion.

Invasion (2005)

This sci-fi television series offers nothing new-it’s basically a retread of Invasion of the Body Snatchers and The Invaders, though I’m not sure if the aliens take over the human bodies or simply duplicate them (I’m not sure I’m going to watch any more episodes to find out). The drama centers around a park ranger and his family and his ex-wife’s family, before, during and after a massive hurricane hits Florida. It’s the theory of the brother-in-law that the storm is a cover for an alien invasion, especially after he finds a weird looking skeleton in the nearby swamp. Those people who are now aliens can communicate without talking. Bland, very bland.

Invasion of the Bee Girls (1973)

Written by Nicholas Meyer (Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan), the story involves the mysterious deaths of men in town who have apparently died of sexual exhaustion. It seems that the local scientific laboratories are doing various experiments and one of them, lead by a female scientist (Anitra Ford) involves the manipulating the genetics of honeybees. In comes William Smith (Grave of the Vampire & Conan’s father in the original Conan the Barbarian) as a government security agent, sent to investigate these strange deaths. He becomes involved with one of the other female scientists-and they discover that some of the women are being transformed into insect-like killers. They look human but when they are about to kill their eyes turn solid black and we see, from their point-of-view, through the segmented insect eyes. This is a science-fiction spoof done right!

Invasion of the Blood Farmers (1972)

At the beginning of the movie there’s narration, in an English accent, about the Druids, a bloodthirsty cult, and how they may have survived through the ages. Then we jump to present day 1970-whatever, to a small U.S town where people are disappearing. It seems that a segment of the Druids are alive and well and trying to resurrect some sorceress of theirs. In order to do this they kidnap people and bleed them after infecting them with some amulet that makes them produce an extra amount of blood. Local doctors find out about this rapid blood regeneration and scratch their heads, trying to find a cure. Why? I guess they are really bored in the Midwest or something. The leader of the Druid cult wears a robe that has an inverted cross and talks about the ‘uholy one’, but the Druids pre-dated Christianity by thousands of years so that inverted cross is kind of silly. In addition to the truly moronic story there is abysmal acting, so bad it may give you a head freeze!

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

This is perhaps the best adaptation of Jack Finney’s novel, with Donald Sutherland, Brook Adams, Jeff Goldblum and Veronica Cartwright trying to escape from an invaded San Fransisco. The movie starts with alien spores leaving their home planet, landing through the earth’s atmosphere and taking root on the native plants. Brook Adams brings one of these strange flower pods home-and soon she notices that her live-in boyfriend is acting much differently, as if he has no emotions. And the small pod is gone. Paranoia builds when Goldblum finds an unformed version of himself at work and when Sutherland tries to make phone calls to the authorities and the operator calls him by name, asking him where he is at. It seems that everyone in San Fransisco is being replaced by emotionless copies of themselves. I like this version best because of the feeling of dread it conveys... the characters do their best to escape but there is no escape. At the end, when the human Cartwright approaches Sutherland, who she thinks has escaped duplication, he stops and accusingly points at her, emitting this horrible noise that the pod people do. She screams and screams. No escape.

Invasion, The (2007)

Although nothing can compare to the late 70’s film adaptation of the Jack Finney novel, this comes in as the second (out of four) best film version. Yes, I was surprised, considering all the negative hoopla about this movie before it even came out. Nicole Kidman portrays a psychologist/single mother, who is conflicted about her relationship with her best friend/love interest Daniel Craig. She’s also very overprotective of her son.

The actual invasion starts with the fiery crash of a space shuttle, which brings with it the organism which takes over people during their sleep cycle. Instead of pods, the infection is this gelatinous mass that covers the body. Kidman becomes infected and it’s her struggle to stay awake or else she’ll become one of them. She has to rescue her son, who is being held by the alien ex-husband, and somehow get them to safety. But there is hope, as there may be a cure for this invasion. Ironically, the cure is what keeps people in conflict and at war with one another.

Each version of Body Snatchers reflects the time period in which it was made and The Invasion definitely gives its take on the 21st century.

Invasion: Earth (1989)

This is an interesting alien-invasion mini-series (6 hours) from the UK, starring Fred Ward (Timerider) as an American General in charge of fending off the creatures along with his British team mates. There are two alien species and they are completely different in how they look and where they come from. One of the alien species are from outer space and are sort of like the “grey” aliens. The other creatures are hostile and come from a different dimension. They have biotechnology and eat life on planets for energy, which they want to use the earth for—as a fuel source. Although there is a “familiar” feel to the series I like that it plays it straight and serious and has no pat ending.

Invasion (1999)

This is a movie that thinks it’s hilarious but comes off as nothing but stupid. Campbell Scott portrays a scientist who comes to the quaint town of Exceptional Vista and encounters a bunch of oddball characters. Everyone acts very stiffly and unnaturally (which does NOT improve the performances!), including the alien. In fact, everyone is so strange in the town that the aliens decide not to invade. What this movie did is make me not want to rent ‘comedy’ sci-fi or horror movies for a long while! Directed by John Paizs, who should be smacked upside the head!

Invincible (2002)

Billy Zane is an evil immortal confronted by the white warrior, a being of pure goodness. She quickly converts him to her side and from then on he has to try to stop the other evil immortals, called Shadowmen, from destroying the earth by opening a vortex. This vortex can be summoned by reading from an ancient tablet. There’s also a group of four humans, chosen before birth, to help him defend life on earth. Each of these people represent one of the elements-fire, water, metal, wind. He trains them within a week to super-beings, able to do lots of martial arts type moves, before the big showdown. Granted, this movie had a fairly low budget but it was used rather creatively, with strange, sparse sets, crazy lighting and most of all an irreverent, tongue-in-cheek script. Imagine Highlander with a sense of humor and you get the idea. It seemed like this was a pilot for a series in how it ended.

Invincible Iron Man, The (2007)

This new animated feature on the origins of Iron Man is not nearly as entertaining as the two recent Ultimate Avengers movies. The primary problem is that the origin is too complicated, particularly with the whole scenario of Tony Stark trying to unearth a buried Chinese City and subsequently unleashing the four elementals. Because we were already introduced to Iron Man in The Avengers movies, this seems like a step backwards and entirely unnecessary. I was bored.

Invisible, The (2007)

This movie is like an S.E. Hinton novel (The Outsiders, That was Then, This is Now) meets The Sixth Sense. At first the story seems to be about Nick Powell, a poor little rich kid who has issues with his controlling mother. He gets blamed for calling the police on juvenile delinquent Annie and she ends up beating him up with a few of her friends and leaving him for dead. He has an out of body experience, sort of like a ghost, and has to tell someone that he’s not quite dead yet. Ironically, it comes to Annie, the one who put him there to begin with.

This movie is not as bad as you think it will be but the whole supernatural aspect seems forced and not necessary to the rest of the story. And it’s a weird movie for director David Goyer (Blade III) to follow-up with. I guess they chose not to advertise it as “From the director of Blade III comes a story of deadly teenaged angst”.

Invitation, The  (2004)

A group of eleven year-old-children are playing baseball and are reluctant to include the fat kid who follows them around, wanting to be there friend. They finally let him play-but when the ball is hit way over his head and he goes to chase it, he runs onto the nearby road and gets run over by a truck.Ten years later all these kids are invited to a getaway at a cabin out in the woods-and one by one they are killed. Well, this is the tried and true method of revenge movies since Prom Night. Only this time the one doing the revenge is a ghost. The actors all do a decent job, the lighting is well done for a shot-on-video production and there are some creepy moments, especially when they encounter these white-eyed doppelgangers of themselves. And the ending took me by surprise.

Invitation to Hell (1984)

Inventor Matt Winslow (Robert Urich of Vegas) starts working at a corporation developing a new space suit. Coincidently, this is the same locale where the devil, portrayed by soap star Susan Lucci, is snatching up souls. Her cover is the owner of a health spa, which Winslow’s wife, Patricia (Joanna Cassidy) joins. When the evil one kidnaps his family, Urich dons the suit and walks into the netherworld to rescue them. If it wasn’t for the space suit there’d be no science fiction pretentiousness. There probably wouldn’t even be a movie, for that matter. This Wes Craven directed movie is one of his lesser ones, up there with Deadly Blessings.

Iron Man (2008)

This is one of the better comic book to movie adaptations, far better than the animated feature that was released last year. Surprisingly, Robert Downey Jr. does justice to the role of Tony Stark, the self-centered, genius-inventor-billionaire. At his side is personal assistant Pepper Potts (a red haired, freckled Gwyneth Paltrow). The story is somewhat predictable and of course, there’s a big showdown between Iron Man and an evil Iron Man in the finale. The special effects are great, on par with that of Ghost Rider. Stan Lee also has his obligatory cameo.

Iron Man II (2010)

The U.S. Government wants Tony Stark’s Iron Man armor but in a Senate hearing he very publicly says “No!”, that it’s his private property. He also insists that no one will be able to duplicate the technology for at least five to ten years. But he’s wrong. A Russian man by the name of Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke) has developed similar technology—and nearly kills Stark during a car race. Vanko is the evil genius son of a scientist who worked with Stark’s father, Harold, forty years before. When Vanko is imprisoned he’s broken out of jail by industrialist Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell), Stark’s competitor. Hammer wants Vanko to develop a new version of the Iron Man armor, though Vanko has an agenda of his own.

The Iron Man armor which has kept Tony Stark alive is also killing him, since the element he is using keeps on burning out. He’s developing this strange rash, that looks like the design of a circuit board. So he becomes erratic, even naming his assistant Pepper Potts as the CEO of Stark Industries. And he has a falling out with best friend James “Rhodey” Rhodes (Don Cheadle), who ends up taking one of the Iron Man outfits, which is then weaponized by the U.S. Government. It’s cool to see “War Machine”.

I found this sequel as entertaining as the first movie. And, like the recent HULK movie, begins to set the stage for the Avengers flick. There’s even an appearance by Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson). My only gripe is the casting of Scarlett Johansson as The Black Widow, which didn’t work at all for me. They needed someone like Jennifer Garner or Famke Janssen in the part.

Ironclad (2011)

This historical movie takes place in Medieval times, right after the signing of England’s Magna Carta. But the King (Paul Giamatti of Shoot ‘Em Up, Lady in the Water) is having second thoughts and wants to undo this event, primarily by killing everyone who made him sign it to begin with. A group of noblemen hole up in a castle and a Templar Knight (James Purefoy of Frankenstein, George & The Dragon, Rome) agrees to help them fight. Brian Cox (Manhunter, Red), as the Baron, is horribly dismembered, his hands and feet cut off with an axe. This isn’t a horror film, per se, but it has plenty of horrific elements and more dismemberment than in a typical Saw movie.

Island Claws (1980)

On a generic tropical island where vacationers bathe in the sun Marine biologists are experimenting with growth hormones on the local crabs. Not a good combination. There’s lots of preaching about how mankind is screwing up the ecosystems, the usual sub-plots with characters you really don’t care about, and of course, the crabs. Although normal sized at first, they wholeheartedly attack a lone fisherman who lives alone in his trailer, crawling up the walls (albeit slowly), pouring in through the open windows (even more slowly) and eventually causing the entire trailer to go up in flames. Later, evidence is found of a much larger creature—mostly trails in the beach sand and shed pieces of its giant shell about the island. When the giant creature is finally revealed it is impressive—a giant crab constructed by Glen Robinson, who did some of the effects on the ‘77 version of King Kong. Robert Lansing, one of the island’s fisherman, defeats it by poking out its eye stalks.

Island of Lost Souls (1933)

This first movie version of H.G. Well’s novel The Island of Dr. Moreau is a faithful adaptation, better than the 70’s version, with Charles Laughton in the role of Dr. Moreau. The animal people are effectively portrayed, particularly by Bela Lugosi as ‘The Giver of the Law’. Probably one of the creepier movies made in the 1930’s. Recommended.

Island of the Dead (2002)

Malcolm McDowell is a Donald Trump-like character who wants to build a town for the homeless on Hart Island, where they bury all of poor and unidentified bodies in New York City in mass graves. But the spirits of the dead don’t want to be disrupted. When McDowell, a police detective (Talisa Soto of Vampirella, looking very masculine here) and a few convicts become trapped on the island they are attacked by swarms of killer flies who infect with a rapidly deteriorating disease. When someone is bitten they immediately become sick, develop sores and then start rotting, all a matter of minutes. It turns out that McDowell isn’t all that humanitarian-he wants to build shelters for the homeless but at the same time use them to experiment on, since he owns a large pharmaceutical company. The odd thing about this movie is that it was shot in Fall or Winter so there’s no leaves on the trees. And there should be no flies at all. In fact, we only see the flies in one indoor scene. The other times it’s from ‘Fly camera’ POV. When maggots are shown they use large mealworms instead (which don’t eat meat at all-they eat flour and grain), so that kind of took away from the effects. Otherwise a better movie than I thought it would be.

Island, The (2005)

Ewan McGregor & Scarlett Johansen are members of a futuristic society, trapped inside buildings because a fatal plague has killed all life outside. The only place spared is ‘The Island’, where they are chosen to repopulate via a lottery system. McGregor’s character, Lincoln, is more curious than the others-and he begins to doubt the truth of what he’s been told about the outside world. A very similar idea was made into a movie in the 70’s, entitled The Clonus Horror, though this has a more upbeat ending. It’s also Michael Bay’s best movie to date.

Isolation (2007)

A hard luck farmer agrees to be part of a biological experiment which is supposed to make the cows grow faster. But it has an unforseen side-effect - the calves are born pregnant with these creatures that don’t resemble bovines whatsoever. They are much more like the monsters from a 1980’s Roger Corman produced movie. These little monsters are also contagious. If they bite a human, the human’s offspring will be infected/pregnant with the creatures. After the doctors are killed it’s up to the farmer and two transients to stop the contagion. Of course, the woman is pregnant. Isolation is a very grim, dark movie and one of the best horror films of 2007.

It Came From Beneath the Sea (1955)

A submarine commanded by Pete Mathews (Kenneth Tobey of The Thing, Strange Invaders) is attacked my a mysterious creature from the depths and he assists two scientist in discovering exactly what it is. One of these Doctors is a woman, Dr. Lesley Joyce, and you immediately know by their cheesy banter that she’s the love interest.

What they find out is that it’s a giant six tentacled octopus that’s coming up for food. It’s also radioactive.

The dialogue is amusing and I love that sequence where the octopus climbs up the Golden Gate Bridge and starts tearing it apart for no apparent reason. Unfortunately the Ray Harryhausen effects sequences are few and far between and the monster is dispatched way too quickly. Of all the stop-motion monster movies this is one of the more disappointing ones.

It Waits (2006)

A female park ranger (Cerina Vincent of Cabin Fever) is grieving over the death of her best friend. Her boyfriend, also a ranger, shows up to console her. Then the creature shows up, this reptilian, winged monster that harasses them. In the beginning scene of the movie we’re shown a group of American Indian students uncovering a hidden cave and encountering this monster. Now, three months later, it’s still loose.

The pacing is extremely slow and the characters are not engaging enough. Here we have the main character going through this life crisis and I didn’t care one bit. The monster is cool looking, though it - and the movie - reminded me of Jeepers Creepers too much. If you want to see this movie I’m sure it can wait.

It’s Alive (2009)

This is truly one of the worst remakes ever made, complete with a CGI monster baby. Yes, instead of the Rick Baker designed creature from the original we have a lame Smeegle clone. The expectant mother is now a college student, who is quitting school in order to live with her boyfriend. Her roommate is upset with this, saying she has to come back to school to finish her thesis. In fact, we learn in the movie that the mother had taken some new type of abortion pill—but it didn’t work. And this is presumably why the baby turns out how it does. Or is she being punished for trying to have an abortion?

As in the original, everyone in the operating room is killed during the delivery except for the mother. Yet this doesn’t happen until twenty-minutes into the movie. Also, the baby stays with the mother, so no one suspects that it is the killer. When it’s first born we see a glimpse of it and it looks deformed—but later, when we see it again it looks entirely normal. Does it morph? Of course, having the authorities not suspect the baby is a complete waste of time for the viewer because we already know the baby is the murderer.

At home, the father starts finding the remains of dead animals in the backyard—and the mother catches her son killing a bird, which is offscreen. When it starts killing people we just see the victims thrown about, as if the HULK is doing it, which isn’t very believable when it’s a ten pound baby. There is a gruesome shot of the roommate being killed, in which we see a computer animated baby claw dig its way through her head. But why? The ending is also very very lame, complete with a fire and the mother sacrificing herself. As I said, a complete waste of time.

Item, The (2002)

A group of professional criminals are hired to pick up and deliver a box which contains a strange lab created creature. The first half hour of this movie is creepy—we don’t know what the monster is, exactly, and the suspense is well built. But when the criminals hole up in the apartment of one of their girlfriends things start to slow down and the ranting and raving amongst the characters gets a bit tiresome. The creature itself looks nothing like the artwork on the box—in fact, it bears a strong resemblance to Elmer from Fred Henenlotter’s Brain Damage. It bears an even stronger resemblance to a smiley face crossed with a salamander. Not very threatening. While I do recommend this video for its quirkiness alone don’t be expecting a monster movie.

Ivory Ape, The (1980)

This is an odd “Killer gorilla” movie, one of several life action flicks produced by Rankin-Bass, who had done The Bermuda Depths and The Last Dinosaur. A full grown albino gorilla is discovered and captured by some natives in Zaire, Africa. A woman scientist, Lil Tyler (Cindy Pickett of Sleepwalkers), who is devoted to protecting endangered species, gets wind of it. But an English poacher beats her to the ape and buys it from the natives. He hauls it aboard a ship bound for Cuba, where he’ll sell the simian to the highest bidder. However, the ship gets caught in a storm and is sidetracked to Bermuda. There, Lil Tyler and her colleague (and former boyfriend), Baxter Mapes, try to intercept them. But the ape has escaped its cage and is loose on the island. Baxter is reunited with an old rich friend (Jack Palance), who is also a big game hunter. This guy recounts how his eight year old son was attacked by a crocodile the year before and how he shot him to spare him the horrible pain of dismemberment. It’s a good scene but some of the “oomph!” is taken away because Palance sounds like he’s channeling William Shatner. When he finds out about the ape he wants to hunt it, though what happens at the end of the movie surprises him.

For the most part the deaths caused by the gorilla are accidental. The ape costume itself is decent, particularly the face, but the full-body costume doesn’t quite work with the front arm extensions. Still, an entertaining movie.

Ivory, The (2007)

A variation on “The Monkey’s Paw” story, this time with an old piece of elephant tusk that can supposedly grant three wishes. An old couple and their adult son have a friend of the family over, a guy who disappeared for twenty years. He comes with this piece of ivory and tells a story of how it came from India. Lots of old black and white stock footage is used, but every time they cut to the footage of the elephants they are African Elephants (Big Ears), not Indian elephants!!! My suspension of disbelief was lost at that point..

“J” Titles

Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer (2008)

Jack Brooks (Trevor Matthews) has had some anger management issues ever since his younger sister and parents were killed by a Forest Troll when he was ten-years old. He’s now a plumber and is reluctantly taking a science class with Professor Gordon Crowley (Robert Englund), primarily because his unaffectionate girlfriend (Rachel Skarsten of Birds of Prey) is taking the class.

One day after class the professor asks him to come up to his old house and fix the plumbing. But the pipes are old—and there’s something else that’s up there, something that takes over the Professor in the next few days. He starts transforming into this Cthulhu-esque monster and ultimately attacks his class and starts transforming students into zombie monsters. This is a highly entertaining monster movie, the tale of a blue-collar Blade. I would not mind seeing this as a continuing series...

Jack Frost (1996)

This is a very entertaining movie. Following the tradition of such films as Childs Play, the spirit/essence of a serial killer is put into the snow—and he’s able to freeze, melt, change his form at will. This happens when the prison van transporting him crashes in to a truck transporting an experimental acid that will bond human DNA to inorganic objects. It works. The serial killer returns to the town where he was caught—to take vengeance upon the small town sheriff. About half of the one-liners the killer snowman says are hilarious. There’s a scene where he rapes a young woman in a bath tub (his carrot nose conspicuously absent from his face) and then when he’s done he says ‘I guess Christmas came early this year.’! Sure, the killer snowman looks a little silly at times but think about it...it’s a killer snowman for godsakes!

Jack the Ripper (1988)

This mini-series, starring Michael Caine, stays in the past and deals with the “factual” story behind Jack the Ripper presenting over a dozen people who may be the infamous killer. The movie even goes so far as to solve the case (it turns out to be the Queen’s doctor, Sir William Gull, and his coach driver). The locations ring authentic, the period costumes and horse-drawn carriages capture the time period, and there is actually some blood spilled. Of course, every time a woman is killed the film cuts to a wall or a photograph getting splattered—but strategically sprayed blood is better than no blood at all, considering the subject matter. Although this movie satisfyingly documents the murders and puts the slayings in a different perspective, I nevertheless felt like I was watching an ancient episode of America’s Most Wanted.

Jacker 2: Descent to Hell (1996)

By far superior to JACKER 1, this movie continues the story of Mike Rivers (a great performance by Phil Herman!), a sort of indestructable car jacker/bad guy who kills a LOT of people. Although shot on a micro-budget it is extremely entertaining. With cameos by Joel D. Wynkoop (Creep) and Marilyn Ghigliotti (Clerks). If you buy one Falcon Video in your lifetime this should be the one.

Jacket, The (2005)

The Jacket is a compelling time-travel movie, in the vein of The Butterfly Effect. As long as you keep in mind that once you’ve time travelled to the future you are there. I doesn’t matter what happened in the past, even if you presumably died sometime in the past after you time travelled beyond that point. As long as you stick to this line of reasoning, the movie is much easier to follow. John Stark (Adrian Brody) is a Gulf War veteran who was shot in the head and had his memory erased. A year later he’s wandering the country and comes across a mother and daughter whose car has stalled. The mother (Kelly Lynch) is extremely drunk but the little girl is appreciative of Stark’s help, especially when he’s able to start their car, as it’s Winter and freezing outside. Soon after, he gets a ride from a guy who kills a policeman when he’s pulled over. Stark is knocked unconscious and the man plants the gun near him. Stark is caught and tried for murder-but because he can’t clearly remember anything, they sentence him to an asylum for the criminally insane. He spends years there-during which time he’s used as a guinea pig in a doctor’s experiment. He’s put into a straightjacket, injected with a psychotropic drug and locked in a drawer for hours at a time. But what this drug does, in combination with his damaged brain, is allow him to travel to the future, where he meets that little girl grown up (Kyra Knightely). He spends time with her-and she helps him find out why he died (in the past) at the Asylum, so he can hopefully prevent it. He eventually is able to go back in time (before his arrest) and prevent an accident that killed the girl’s mother, so he can change her life for the better. The Jacket is a weird, unpredictable movie, with a very dark tone, good performances and a unique story.

Jacob’s Ladder (1990)

Jacob (Tim Robbins) is a Vietnam Veteran who is hallucinating. He’s in New York City, working as a mailman. He sees demonic visages in crowds, such as bums who have tails—and we’re not quite sure what’s real or imagined for him, including girlfriend Elizabeth Pena. This is one of those movies that continually switches your point of view as to what’s really going on. Directed by Adrian Lyne (Fatal Attraction)

Jacqueline Hyde (2005)

Rolfe Kanefsky has never disappointed as a director, from his There’s Nothing Out There to The Hazing. The movie begins with a wallflower named Jackie Hyde, who inherits a mansion from her mysterious grandfather. It seems that he was not only a famous magician, but was continuing the work began by his grandfather. By accident, she ingests one of the vials of formula and physically transforms into another woman. Yet this formula is not as simple as the original. Serum #55 allows the person to assume any human shape, whether it be the neighbor next door or a model from a fashion magazine. Jackie quickly gets addicted to this newfound power-and deaths soon follow.This movie has some firsts in special effects I’ve never seen before, such as a guy’s eye being poked out by a nipple and a lap dancer sucked dry through a private orifice. Unbelievable, sure, but done in such a way as to not detract from the well-written story.Most of all, I liked the twist on the old Jeckyll & Hyde scenario and that this particular formula does unexpected things. Jacqueline Hyde is a fine sequel to the Robert Louis Stevenson novel.

Janitor, The (2003)

Just when you think you’ve seen every incarnation of the Slasher Genre along comes The Janitor, which, of course is about an insane custodian who kills people. If you want to see lots of over-the-top gore, lots of breasts and lots of lewd and sadistic humor then this is the movie for you. Lionel is a custodian at the Generico Corporation who kills anyone who insults him. According to the talk of the people who work there, thirteen people have been murdered so far. It doesn’t take much to set him off. After Lionel kidnaps and burns to death another employee the FBI are called in. They are completely inept, particularly at the end of the movie when events go horribly awry. As you can surmise, the movie doesn’t take place in the real world, but a place where people are extraordinarily stupid and the killings are cartoon-like. I guess the closest comparison is to one of the early Troma movies, like Toxic Avenger (though I don’t really like Troma movies). And because all the workers in the office are portrayed as idiots it makes Lionel a step above the rest because he’s so serious all the time. In fact, he’s too serious and the contrast nearly brings the movie to a halt anytime he’s on the screen. It’s simply too uneven. Lionel’s character does have one friend, his fellow custodian by the name of Mr. Growbo. Since their house had burned down in a mysterious fire some months before they are allowed to live in the janitor’s closet in the office building. This gives them plenty of time to talk about their hopes and dreams. Growbo goes on about how he feels his job is important, that he feels that he makes a difference in the world. Later on he admits this is all crap, that he hates being a janitor. In the second half of the movie Lionel runs into some sorority girls they inform him that they are looking for a new janitor and this sparks in him a dream of something better than working in an office building. He’s so enthusiastic he thinks he’s gotten the job-but is beaten to the chase by someone else he knows. This makes him absolutely furious and a great deal of carnage ensues, very over-the-top and disgusting, exactly what you expect so far. The makeup effects are very well-done. My biggest problem with the movie is that I hated the Lionel character. He’s so angry, so one-dimensional its really hard to relate to him. And because he’s the main character and has to carry the movie I think it’s important that the audience can identify with him somehow. In large part I think it due to the casting of the part. Andy Signore, the co-director, chose to portray Lionel himself and it turns out he’s the weakest actor in the movie. Also, the guy who plays Mr. Growbo is an extremely good actor and by comparison, particularly when they are in scenes together, this further diminishes Signore’s performance. Although I didn’t like the Lionel character there were enough sight gags and jokes in the rest of the movie to compensate. There’s this hilarious cameo by Troma’s Lloyd Kaufman as a homeless man who insults Lionel twice and both times the janitor rips off one of Kaufman’s arms. And, as I said, there lots of blood and guts are flying throughout. The production values are well-done for a low-budget independent shot-on-digital movie and co-director/producer T.J. Nordaker has to be commended on shooting it. The audio, obviously dubbed in parts, is very clear. Most of the music seems to be original but there’s this well-known mushy 80’s song used in parts, integral to one of the characters, and I know they possibly couldn’t afford to license that music. That’s a ‘no-no’ if you’re expecting to sell and market the movie. The Janitor is by no means a bad movie. It, like most first-time movies, has its faults, but you can tell the filmmakers invested a lot of time and energy into making it. I think the appeal would be primarily to the 15-25 year-old male audience. It’s definitely a guy movie

Jason & The Argonauts (2000)

Not as much fun as the Ray Harryhausen version from the 60’s, this is nevertheless an interesting take on the Greek myth. Jason learns that he’s really the son of a King-and in order to reclaim his rightful place, and also save the life of his Queen mother, he must obtain the Golden Fleece for his evil Uncle (Dennis Hopper). The Uncle is the one who had slain his father and married his mother.Jason picks a rag-tag crew to sail about the Argos-and encounter some nasty looking Harpies, the God Posiedon and a dragon that guards the fleece. There’s also this mechanical, fire-breathing bull he has to tame and plant a field of dragon’s teeth, which turn into these strange, sword bearing roots that attack him.It seemed like the producers went out of the way to repeat any of the characters from the first movie, like the giant Talos, The Hydra or the fighting skeletons.The best thing about this is casting Brian Thompson (Mortal Kombat 2, Werewolf TV series) as a bearded Hercules, who agrees to be one of the Argonauts. He is a WAY better Herc than Kevin Sorbo ever was-and much much closer in demeanor to the one in the myths. Jolene Blaylock (The Vulcan on Enterprise) portrays Media, Jason’s love interest.

Jason X (2002)

The tenth Friday the 13th movie is perhaps one of the best (along with #2 and #6), not only updating it for new audience but bringing the story full circle. Unable to execute Jason Vorhees, the authorities decide to freeze him until they figure out what to do with him—but Jason escapes and kills all the guards and technicians in the facility. Only one woman is left alive—and she manages to freeze him, and herself, before he kills her. Skip 400 years, where a student field trip has uncovered them on an uninhabitable earth and taken them back to their space ship. Jason awakens and starts the killing, until the on-board cyborg (Lisa Ryder) manages to seemingly stop him. But he’s accidently repaired by the medical room’s nanoprobes who make him in to an unstoppable, half metal killing machine (literally!). Although there’s lots of ‘borrowing’ of ideas from the ALIEN movies, which kind of makes it seem like one of those tv episodes where they show the ‘best of’ clips (particularly in that it stars two of Andromeda’s actors!), there’s plenty of gore, plenty of decent computer effects and plenty of Jason. Plus, it leaves itself wide open for many more sequels. Recommended.

Jawbreaker (1999)

Three popular high school girls kidnap their peer on her birthday. They gag her with a giant jawbreaker and throw her in the trunk of a car. But when they get to their destination and check up on her the jawbreaker had lodged in her throat and killed her. The leader, Courtney (Rose McGowan), tells the other two that they have to act as if nothing has happened at school. Afterwards they take her body back to her house (her parents are out of town) and make it look as if she was raped and killed. At the same time a nerdy girl, Fern Mayo (Judy Greer), shows up and overhears them talking about the murder. So what does the leader decide to do? She tells Fern that if she remains quiet about the whole thing and doesn’t tattletale she can become popular, like them. She accepts the offer and joins the group under a new identity—”Violet”. One of the original three girls, Julie (Rebecca Gayheart) the only one upset about the death, backs out of the group and sort of changes places with Fern. Investigating the suspicious murder is Detective Vera Cruz (Pam Grier). In the end the bad girl gets her comeuppance.

The movie begins with a strong first half hour, then degenerates into another teen movie. You can see that the script tries to be along the lines of Heathers, only the reminders of this better movie makes this one seem worse than what it is.

Jekyll (2007)

This six-hour mini-series is an excellent sequel to The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. Dr Tom Jackman (James Nesbitt) is the descendant of Dr. Jekyll and he starts transforming into Hyde. He works out a deal with his alter-ego to “time share” their body, but things go haywire with the interference of a group of business people who want to exploit his condition. Claire Jackman (Gina Bellman), his wife, plays a large role in the situation, as she’s somehow responsible for Tom transforming into the Hyde persona. Michelle Ryan (Bionic Woman) is his assistant, who helps him coordinate his schedule with Hyde— but she’s not entirely what she seems to be, either. Jekyll is an interesting and intriguing expansion of the story you think you know.

Jekyll (2007)

I found this to be a very entertaining version of the familiar Jekyll & Hyde story.

A mild-mannered scientist (Matt Keeslar of The Middleman), searching for a cure for cancer, creates a virtual-reality alter-ego of himself. When he downloads this into himself it takes over—and starts to do some very bad things. It reminded me of the very similar theme explored in Crowley. Jekyll is engaged to be married but his soon-to-be father-in-law wants him to give up his silly research and do more practical work, which he resents. In fact, he resents it so much he kills the man and his wife when he’s Hyde. Hyde, who pretty much looks like Jekyll except for the white eyes and mutton-chop sideburns, hooks up with an African-American stripper. She starts having feelings for him though he’s abusive. Jekyll gives her money and tells her to get out of town before she ends up getting killed. Of course, the transitions from Jekyll to Hyde get out of control and ends in a fatal way.

What makes this movie work is Keeslar’s performance—he’s one of those actors who can flip back and forth effortlessly between “the good guy” and “the bad guy”.

Jekyll and Hyde (1991)

Starring Michael Caine as the doctor and Cheryl Ladd as his wife, this is an interesting adaptation in that it combines the infamous Mr. Hyde with the Jack the Ripper legend. The Hyde makeup, veering away from the Frederic March werewolf interpretation, is most unsettling—reminiscent of Jason from Friday the 13th, which makes it puzzling that no characters in the movie react strongly to the appearance of the monster. Were they jaded towards horrific killers back then, or what? The movie’s only problem is that Hyde’s visage is too monstrous for the slant the movie takes. Here, he’s treated as an evil man who sexually abuses Jekyll’s wife; the killings he’s responsible for  are largely off-camera. Far better in every way than Anthony Perkin’s Edge of Sanity (a theatrical release showing Dr Jekyll turning into Hyde from using cocaine—seriously), this film shows Hyde at his best (worst?).

Jekyll & Hyde (2003)

This is perhaps the strangest version of the story I’ve seen, which basically turns the Robert Louis Stevenson tale into a superhero story! Adam Baldwin (Firefly, Chuck) is a doctor who looks forward to leaving the Emergency room and going into the lucrative cosmetic surgery business. He gets married and decides to go to Hong Kong for his honeymoon. But while visiting a nearby hospital a gunshot victim comes in-and the leader of the Chinese Mafia tells him that if he doesn’t save his friend that he will kill him. So, at gunpoint, Baldwin has to perform surgery and try to save the man’s life. He dies-and the mafia guys go after him. He escapes but they figure out where he is staying. He wakes up on a ship to find one of his kidney’s surgically removed (they have an organ harvesting business on the side)-and that they have his wife hostage as well. They show him that she’s tied to a buoy floating out in the bay and allow him to jump in and save her. But as soon as he gets there and removes her gag-a bomb explodes. She’s killed and he’s picked up by a doctor of ancient Chinese medicine. Through this Chinese Medicine he miraculously recovers from all of his horrendous burns. And as soon as he’s well enough he tries to track down the guys responsible for his wife’s death. He mixes up a bunch of different herbs and roots to give him extra strength-and after he drinks it his eyes change and he has become something other than a man.It turns out that he’s actually ‘The Tiger’, a character in Chinese folkore that protects the people. According to the legend the Tiger goes to defeat the Dragon, who is the head of the Mafia. The movie has an open-ending, which makes it seem as if this was a pilot for a proposed television series. It just didn’t work.

Jeckyll & Hyde (2006)

This version takes place in the present-day among a group of medical students. One of them (Bryan Fisher) has a theory that he can radically change a person’s personality with a new drug he created from Extacy-and he tests it on himself. To no surprise, he quickly transforms from a Clark-Kentish guy into a sociopathic, sex-hungry killer. His biggest conflict is that he loves his friend Mary (Bree Turner) and does not want to kill her, though the urge is there. This is one of those movies in which Jeckyll doesn’t physically transform into another being, yet it works with Fisher’s performance.

Although this film version doesn’t offer anything new it is presented with high production values and good acting.

Jeepers Creepers (2001)

Sort of an extended X-Files episode in the sense that features a weird humanoid creature and very little is explained as to what’s going on, the movie does feature some cool special effects and has a nasty looking villain. Yet,when the climactic scene happens it comes off like the punch line of a joke (having to do with the film’s title) that went flat. I left the movie shaking my head....

Jeepers Creepers 2 (2003)

This is a surprisingly good horror movie, perhaps one of the best released in 2003, which totally took me by surprise as I despised the first Jeepers Creepers. The movie takes place during the last few days of the life cycle of the monster (it appears for 23 days every 23 years), where is kills a young farm boy and then goes after a school bus filled with a high school basketball team and its cheerleaders. In fact, 75% of the movie takes place either on or near this bus. Ray Wise (Twin Peaks) portrays the distraught, revenge-minded father of the farm boy, who wants to kill the creature. He makes up this sort of catapult from a post-hole digger, which he mounts to the back of his pickup truck. When he intercepts a distress signal from the school bus he quickly drives there to confront the monster. And what a battle it is! What I like about this movie is that much more of the monster is shown-and how it can regenerate and ‘borrow’ body parts from its victims. It’s much more malevolent here than in the first movie, more of a flying gargoyle than a Freddy Krueger clone in a trench-coat. Also, the movie ends in such a way that it’ll be hard to make another sequel, though they could do it if there’s another such monster alive somewhere. Who would’ve thought this sequel would be so good?

Jennifer’s Body (2009)

I was pleasantly surprised by this horror movie. First, it’s a possession movie, not a vampire movie, which his great, considering every other horror movie is now some angst ridden mopey teenage bloodsucker flick. Secondly, there’s not nearly enough possession movies.

The story is about two high school girl friends, Jennifer (Megan Fox) and Needy (Amanda Seyfried). They are unlikely friends but have stuck together since they were little kids. Jennifer wants to see a band at a local bar and Needy reluctantly goes. The place catches on fire and the band leader convinces Jennifer to go with them in their van. Later that night she appears in Needy’s kitchen, all covered in blood. And she vomits this black spiky stuff all over the place. After Jennifer feeds on a football jock the next day she feels—and looks—better. Needy eventually learns that her friend is possessed by a demon, which was caused by the band sacrificing her to become famous. They thought she was a virgin but she wasn’t (big surprise there), which caused this unexpected thing to happen. When Jennifer sets her sights on Needy’s boyfriend, Chip, she knows she has to do something.

I found it interesting that they made Megan Fox look bad throughout most of the movie, with all those close-ups of bad skin. I also didn’t expect to like it so much. For some reason it reminded me of Lost Boys, I guess because it has the same vibe.

Jeremiah: The First Season (2002)

The premise of this made-for-cable series is that a virus killed everyone over the age of puberty, leaving the world in the hands of children, who had to fend for themselves for the past fifteen years, sort of like a massive version of Lord of the Flies. Now, there are various towns and tribes competing against each other and some factions want to restore civilization. Jeremiah (Luke Perry) travels across the country, looking for a place called Valhalla Sector, a place where he knew where his father had gone. His father was somehow involved with the government and perhaps the creation of that virus. On one of these leads he goes to a town and meets some people he thinks are from Valhalla Sector but they turn out to be from a different place, “Thunder Mountain”, which still has a lot of technology. In the hour and a half premiere episode Jeremiah meets Kurdy (Malcolm Jamal-Warner), who tries to still his food, and they eventually become friends after their first adventure. The two also end up working with the people at Thunder Mountain, exploring the outside world and reporting information back to the hidden group. Although Luke Perry is good in the part he’s the oldest looking 27 year old I’ve ever seen. The most interesting characters are Marcus Alexander (Peter Stebbings), the leader of “Thunder Mountain” and Theo (Kimberly Hawthorne), the sociopathic leader of a nearby town, who is as hilarious as she is evil. There’s also Erin (Ingrid Kavelaars, Codename: Eternity), who Jeremiah starts having a “thing” for—and there’s an episode where he sleeps with her identical twin—or was it her? Other memorable episodes feature Michael Rooker (Henry: Killer) as a member of Valhalla Sector (and an adult who wasn’t killed in the plague) and Jason Priestley as the psycho leader of a military group who has a cache of bombs ready to fire on the nearby towns.

There’s also a mystical element that runs throughout the season, such as a lot of the little kids in the various, isolated towns having the same beliefs about good and evil.

Several actors appear who are in the recent incarnation of Battlestar Galactica(Kandyse McClure, Tricia Helfer, et cetera) as well as many actors seen on the show Andromeda, which I suppose has to do with the series being shot in Canada.

Overall, this is a good series, the writing and characters consistent. If you like “end of the world” scenarios you’ll dig this show.

Jeremiah: Season Two (2003)

As much as I liked the first season I have to say the second year blows it away. It’s epic, like The Stand. At the end of season one Jeremiah was taken to the fabled Valhalla Sector and finds out that his father is still alive. In the first few episodes of Season Two he finds out what has been going on there. For the past fifteen years the military has been trying to get his father to duplicate the virus but he’s managed to still this. Now that they have his son, Jeremiah, they now have some leverage against him. In order to rescue Jeremiah and strike a blow against Valhalla sector, which is set on destroying Thunder Mountain, they use a secret weapon against them, which kills everyone with the virus. Jeremiah, his father and Libby, who manage to get into containment suits.

Jeremiah finds a love interest in Libby and they settle down in one of the nearby towns they’ve taken over and are trying to restore to some semblance of civilization. However, a new threat arises with a person called Daniel, who has a huge army on the East Coast. Basically if you don’t join Daniel you are killed. When Libby is killed during an attack by Daniel’s troops Jeremiah goes on a mission of revenge, targeting a masochistic guy named Sims. The most interesting character introduced is Mister Smith (Sean Astin), who befriends Kurdy (Malcom-Jamal Warner). Smith insists that God speaks to him and gives him messages and this indeed seems to be true. He’s both a very simple and very complex character and this character is one of the best performances I’ve seen by Astin.

During the season, which comes to a good conclusion for the series, we learn the truth about Libby, Sims and what Daniel really is. If you enjoy post-Apocalyptic movies/tv series, I recommend you watching Jeremiah.

Jerome Bixby’s The Man From Earth (2007)

A well-liked college professor quits after ten years of teaching at a University, telling his friends and colleagues that he’s the type to not stay put in one place. He intends to leave quietly in the night but his friends show up at his house to have a going away meeting. They start talking and he ends up revealing to them that he’s over fifteen-thousand years old. Of course, they don’t believe him at first but as the movie progresses it becomes evident that he’s telling the truth. It’s a brilliant character study of an immortal and how his friends react to his revelations. This is a great ensemble film, which includes Tony Todd (Candyman), John Billingsley (Enterprise), and William Katt (Carrie, Greatest American Hero). A lot of credit has to be given to actor David Lee Smith as John (the 15,000 year-old man) whose performance truly carries the movie.

Jill the Ripper (1999)

Dolph Lundgren, who is usually an okay actor, portrays a former copy/alchoholic who is in search of his politician brother’s killer. It turns out that his brother was involved in the kinkier side of the adult entertainment industry and that’s what got him killed. His brother’s wife, whom he, of course, falls in love with, is also involved—and the ‘twist’ ending is seen miles away. This is one of those movies whose title has absolutely nothing to do with its content. It’s also billed as a horror/suspense film and is lacking both those aspects as well. Directed by Anthony Hickox, who directed those great Waxwork movies a decade ago.

John Carter (2012)

The movie begins, as with the book, with a young Edgar Rice Burroughs being summoned to his rich Uncle Carter’s Estate. He is told his uncle is dead and that as per his request is in a crypt that can only be opened from the inside. He’s also given a diary, which explains everything—

The movie then goes to right after the Civil War, with Carter out West. He’s in a saloon/store when he’s “recruited” by some Army guys to help fight the Apaches. He doesn’t want to fight anymore, which has to do with what happened to him in the war. He escapes, they follow and there’s a brief battle between Americans and Indians. Carter takes refuge in a weird cave where he’s miraculously transported to “Barsoom”, as the natives call it. He finds that he is far stronger and it takes a bit before he can even walk—and then comes upon a hatchery of the four-armed, green Tharks. Tars Tarkas, the leader or Jeddak, is fascinated with him and takes him back to their camp. It’s here he meets princess Dejah Thoris, who has fled her city of Hellium because she doesn’t want to marry the ruler of Zodanga, their mortal enemy. In order to same Hellium from destruction, her father has promised her in marriage to the evil ruler. This guy also has the help from the mysterious Therns, white bald guys who have given him a powerful weapon called “The Ninth Ray”. These Therns can assume the shape of anyone.

While, for the most part, the spirit of the books is captured, there are too many unnecessary changes, most notably with the Therns being aliens and using Mars and Earth as “host” worlds (in the books they are simply another race of Martians). It sort of made the story seem like Philip Jose Farmer’s Riverworld and took some of the “oomph” of Carter exploring an alien world. Also, the Tharks aren’t quite harsh enough and the casting of the two leads is sort of off the mark. But the visuals are amazing, from the dog-like Woola (I want a calot as a pet!) to the flying machines to the giant white apes (except they are blind here, which makes no sense). Overall, this is an “okay/good” adaptation of the Edgar Rice Burrough’s novels. If it gets a new generation of people to read the original series, all the better.

John Johnson’s Shadow hunters (2005)

A group of men dressed like The Untouchables confront a demon and seemingly banish him from doing any more harm, but not before a young woman is killed in the process. Five years later it’s learned that a hospital has been built over this site where the demon was banished-and that the hospital is now closed because of all the mysterious deaths.The team goes there and seals the place, with the intention of banishing the demon for good. Unfortunately, they are not the only ones inside the hospital. A group of scantily clad college girls is there, spending the night in the haunted hospital in order to join a sorority.The demon is able to take over their bodies and has them kill each other in gruesome ways, body skipping from one to the next. He even manages to possess one of the five Shadow hunters, which throws them for a loop. How are they going to get rid of him without killing their comrade? They’re also in trouble because this possessed guy is the one who performs the banishment spells-without him they are screwed.The dead sorority girls, along with a few homeless men, are resurrected into zombies with these inverted black crosses inscribed on their foreheads. The hospital doors are sealed until morning-and the Shadow hunters have a short amount of time to come up with an alternate plan...I found the acting to be quite believable and all the special effects more than adequate. This horror movie also moves very quickly, has its share of creepy moments and doesn’t insult the audience. Director John Johnson, who also portrays the ‘asshole character’ of the Shadow Hunters, does a great job of utilizing the film’s budget to its utmost.  John Johnson’s Shadow hunters is one of the best low budget independent horror movie from 2005. And yes, the hats work quite well.

John Johnson’s Skeleton Key (2007)

This newest movie from filmmaker John Johnson (Shadow Hunters) is a hilarious horror comedy that had me laughing throughout. The story concerns a tabloid reporter (John Johnson) and his Indian (from India) sidekick photographer, Cornelius, who are sent to investigate the reports of a five-legged, two-headed goat in the town of Nilbog. What the duo find instead are zombies - lots of zombies. There is also a weird spider lady (Brinke Stevens), an obese witch, and a vampiress (Debbie Rochon) among other supernatural creatures.

Comedy is much harder to do than horror and Johnson is consistently funny here, particularly in a scene where an invisible devil is throwing him around a room and another in which he breaks out into a cheesy, VH1 type song to his girlfriend. The zombie makeup effects are quite good and I was impressed with the logistics of the movie - having swarms of zombies chasing the characters down abandoned town streets, across the country. This is a fun, entertaining movie. Highly recommended.

Johnny 2.0 (1998)

Jeff Fahey (Body Parts, Lost) is a biologist named Dalton specializing in cloning who is shot when an animal right’s group breaks into his lab. He awakens to find that his wound is healed and that he no longer needs glasses to see. When his partner (Michael Ironside) walks in, looking much older, he’s told that nearly two decades have passed since that accident. He’s a clone, his memory reconstructed from an MRI taken soon after than accident.It’s explained that he’s been brought back to find the original Dalton, who disappeared twelve months before. It’s believed that a radical faction had kidnapped him. To give him incentive he’s also told that clones only live two weeks before they shut down-and that the original Dalton has a software program that will cure this problem. So he really has no choice. He is taken to the outlands of the city by one of the hired policemen and meets the resistance-and a woman reporter (Tahnee Welch) who is a part of it. He finds out that the Dalton he’s looking for has joined the resistance.But all isn’t as it seems. It turns out that the older Dalton he’s found is also a clone-and that the old man who is in charge of the genetics company is really the original Dalton, who is dying of a fatal disease. He needs the software the second clone has in order to transfer his consciousness into a clone body. Johnny 3.0, though, doesn’t go along with this and, once learning that clones live a normal lifespan, destroys the evil original and takes his place as head of the company where he can undo some of the wrongs they had done.

Jonah Hex (2010)

I had to see this, primarily because it’s one of DC Comic’s more obscure characters and a Western, on top of it. For the most part it’s an entertaining movie. Only 81 minutes and jammed packed with action and effects, so it moves. On the downside, all the characters are pretty basic and one-dimensional. Josh Brolin portrays Hex, who is hideously scarred and left for dead by his Civil War commanding officer, Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich). Hex had killed Turnbull’s son, Jeb (Jeffrey Dean Morgan of Supernatural, The Burning Zone), after disobeying an order to burn down a hospital during the war. Through a few different flashbacks, one of them the animated title-sequence, it’s explained how Crow Indians found Hex and were able to save him, though they were only able to bring him partway back from the dead. Because of this he’s able to communicate with corpses and get information from them. This comes in handy when the U.S. Government wants to hunt down the rogue Quentin Turbull, who wants to destroy the United States with a new advanced weapon. Hex simply wants revenge. There’s also a whore, Lilah (Megan Fox of Jennifer’s Body), who’s in love with Hex despite him being this angry ugly bastard. Jonah Hex is an entertaining movie and as comic adaptations go is somewhere in the middle.

Joseph Clark’s Massacre (2002)

This movie surprised me. The first half-hour seemed like every other ‘camping trip to be killed’ slasher movie and the stereotypes and implausibility were beginning to irritate me. Three guys, three women go on a camping trip, where it’s a free-for all who sleeps with who (including the obligatory lesbian scene), and danger lurks in the form of an inbred hillbilly prowling about. But when the woman who seems to be the main protagonist is killed the movie takes a turn I didn’t expect-and from that point on I wasn’t sure what was going on. When you finally realize what is REALLY happening it makes you think back to the beginning of the movie, which then takes on an entirely different perspective. There’s also plenty of ax-wielding gore to perk things up.

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island (2012)

Sean Anderson is a rebellious teenager who doesn’t like his mother’s new husband, Hank (Dwayne Johnson). In the first scene he gets arrested on his motorcyle and is grounded. Then, he gets an encrypted message from his grandfather, Alexander (Michael Caine), who tells him he’s discovered the hidden island that Jules Verne wrote about. Hank sees his stepson’s enthusiasm—and wants a closer connection—so goes with him to a nearby tropical island, where they hire a helicopter pilot and his daughter, Kailiani, to take them there. Of course, Sean is interested in the girl.

The helicopter gets sucked into a storm that surrounds the place and they wake up on a rocky shore. They go into the interior and come across a herd of tiny elephants and a giant lizard. And finally meet up with Alexander, who lives in a Swiss Family Robinson-style treehouse. However, the island is beginning to sink—and it’s going to happen in a matter of days, so they have to get off or die. Alexander tells them that the Nautilus, Captain Nemo’s infamous ship, is parked on the other side of the island so that’s where they go. They ride giant bees (a nod to the Ray Harryhausen Mysterious Island movie), are pursued by giant birds, sees giant spiders and a volcano that spews gold. Eventually Sean and his stepfather make it aboard the submarine—but they need to recharge the ancient batteries. Coincidently there’s a giant electric eel swimming nearby...

This sequel to Journey to the Center of the Earth as good as the first film. It’s fast paced, action packed and humorous, with excellent special effects. Recommended.

Journey into Midnight (1968)

Hosted by Victor French, who would in the early 70’s host the horror television show Circe of Fear/Ghost Story, this made-for-television movie consists of two tales. In the first, The Butterfly, an American businessman taking a ride out in the English Countryside in his newly purchased 1920’s automobile comes upon a costume party at an old mansion. Everyone acts a bit peculiar and one of the young ladies, who is dressed in a butterfly costume, seems to know him, though she’s never met him before. As the night goes on she becomes more and more friendly towards him-and he’s ready to take her away from the party when she asks him to. But he must fill up his empty gas tank—-and the party members direct him to a nearby gas pump. He finds the place but the place is ancient looking and locked up-and then it starts to rain. He holes up in his car until morning and goes looking for the mansion, unable to find it. He stops by a small cottage and asks directions to the place but they tell him that it’s impossible that he went to a party there last night-because it burned down over forty-years before. It turns out that the car he recently purchased belonged to the fiance of the woman dressed in the Butterly costume. In the next story a woman is determined to make contact with her deceased husband and hires a detective to look out for her, to make sure that the psychics she goes to are real. One by one he reveals them as frauds. She also begins to fall in love with him and he encourages this. You see, it’s all a plan of his to get all of her money-he set up most of the fake psychic visits to begin with. Just before things go too far, though, her dead husband pays her a visit and warns her of the deception. Journey Into Midnight reminded me of those Amicus anthologies, like Torture Garden or even the newer Hammer House of Horrors. A good, creepy movie.

Journey to the Center of the Earth (1959)

This is, down and out, the best film adaptation of the Jules Verne novel. Sir Oliver Lindenbrook (James Mason of Salem’s Lot) is an Edinburgh professor, who, along with an assortment of colleagues, follow an old explorer’s trail down an Icelandic volcano, down to the center of the earth. They are followed by Count Saknussem, who is the descendent of Arnie Saknussem, the man who originally made the journey. They come across some beautiful sites, such as caverns of giant crystals, and eventually make their way to the center where there’s remains of the ancient city of Atlantis. However, there are also some dangers, such as the dinosaurs. They end up being shot out of a volcano to the surface, to recount their story. Highly recommended.

Journey to the Center of the Earth (2008)

This movie, based on the Jules Verne novel, is not to be confused with the Brendan Fraser 3-D movie or the cheapie by The Asylum. Rick Schroder portrays Jonathon Brock, an archeologist and amateur fisticuffs fighter, who is hired by the rich Victoria Dennison (Victoria Pratt of Mutant X, Daybreak) to find her explorer husband, Edward (Peter Fonda), who disappeared while exploring a volcano. They go to Alaska, the site of the volcano, and with the help of Sergie, a Russian, find the entrance to the crevice which leads down to “The Center of the Earth”. Well, as this was probably shot in a granite mine there’s not any cave formations, so their trip downwards is somewhat lackluster—and it doesn’t take very long for them to get to the “Center”, which looks to be a big cave that looks almost exactly like Alaska up above, except for this weird amber light. They do discover Edward Dennison, who is now the leader of a tribe of Tlingit (Native Americans), who made their way down there hundreds of years ago. This is interesting but I would have liked to see more of the prehistoric animals they talk about. The only thing we do see if when Brock, Victoria and his nephew, Abel, ride down a river on a raft and encounter prehistoric lizard birds and a type of plesiosaur. The cgi effect are very good and made me want to see more.

This version isn’t as good as the original film, with James Mason and Pat Boone, nor the recent 3-D version with Brendan Fraser, but it isn’t bad, either.

Journey to the Center of the Earth (2008)

A group of female soldiers are to be transported, via a new invention, to Germany. Only they end up in the center of the Earth. The creator of the device (Greg Evigan) is able to trace their marker and wants to rescue them. Why he thinks they are still alive I don’t know. Since the transporter isn’t working he goes to a fellow scientist (Dedee Pfeiffer) who has this burrowing machine (like in At the Earth’s Core)—and they burrow down into the earth to rescue them. The movie goes back and forth to them and the soldiers. They encounter a Tyrannosaur, we see some flying reptiles, they cross a bridge over lava, encounter carnivorous plants and also giant spiders. Everything you expect. The lame producers (The Asylum) could have easily titled this movie The Lost World since it follows the 60’s movie version of that novel more closely.

Journey to the Center of the Earth 3-D (2008)

Although it’s a “family friendly” movie, it’s also good solid entertainment for anyone, particularly if you’re a fan of movies like The Cave or The Descent. Trevor Anderson (Brendan Fraser), who has been living in the shadow of his brother, Max, for the past ten years, follows up on his sibling’s research with his nephew in tow. They go to retrieve a seismic sensor at volcano in iceland, get a beautiful blonde guide, Hannah, to lead them up there and get trapped in a cave during a lightning storm that collapses the entrance. They make their way down to an old mine—and go even deeper when the ground collapses beneath them, which plummets them down miles through a volcanic tube, to a lost world, complete with giant mushrooms, trilobites and dinosaurs. It turns out that Trevor’s brother Max made it down here a decade before and that he believed that Jules Verne’s novel was true—and he turns out to be right.

The 3-D is what really makes this movie and there’s plenty of opportunities for stuff to come flying at you, from antennae to birds to a T-Rex head. I particularly enjoyed the mine car/roller coaster sequence. Highly recommended as the most fun movie of the 2008 Summer season.

Journey to the Unknown (1968)

The first several episodes of this Hammer Film’s TV series from the late 60’s are every bit as good as the old Twilight Zone episodes. In Eve, a department store worker falls in love with a mannequin, who is portrayed by Carol Lynley. Everyone sees her as a wooden figure but he sees her as alive. When he learns she’s going to be destroyed and replaced by a newer model, he sneaks into the store and attempts to steal her, though he ends up killing his boss. He flees to a friend’s house out in the country and takes the dummy with him, introducing her as his girlfriend. Of course, everyone thinks he’s crazy and he is.

In Jane Brown’s Body, Stephanie Powers is Jane Brown, a woman who is brought back to life by an experimental drug. A side effect is that she has no memory of her previous life and has to learn everything over again. The doctor and his wife end up caring for her, basically treating her like a daughter. She has to get the injection of the serum every day or else she’ll die. She ends up falling for her tutor and starts to get flashes of her previous life, a life that had a tragic tale. The ending was totally unexpected, but it fit.

In The Indian Spirit guide a rich woman hires a private investigator to protect her from phony spiritualists as she tries to contact her dead husband. Of course, things go unexpectedly. I also saw this same segment in the movie Journey Into Midnight, which was pieced together from episodes of this series.

This series also has one of the best opening title sequences for a horror anthology program.

Joy Ride (2001)

This is an entertaining thriller about two brothers driving their way across the American west to pick up one of their girlfriends. Along the way they pick up an old CB radio and do a prank on the wrong trucker. It pisses him off so bad that he follows their every move and starts playing games with them. This reminded me a bit of the 80’s classic The Hitcher though this movie is way toned down, being made in the politically correct 2000’s and all. The young cast does a great job, the characters are likable and the unseen truck driver makes a great villain. The truck coming after them reminded me of Speilberg’s Duel. This movie is worth checking out for the ride.

Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead (2008)

Melissa (Nicki Aycox of Supernatural, Jeepers Creepers 2), her boyfriend Bobby and her sister Kayla are driving to Las Vegas for a vacation. On the way they pick up Kayla’s punk boyfriend, Nike (Klye Schmid of the series Blood Ties). The first of this movie is very entertaining, particularly the back and forth between polar opposites Bobby and Nik. Their car stalls out in the desert and they find an abandoned house where there’s a car, with keys, in the barn. They take the car and Melissa leaves a note and her number that they’ll return it as soon as they get to the next town and get a rental car. However, this house belongs to Rusty Nail, the truck driver we saw kill a prostitute in the opening scene, so we know this isn’t a good thing.

However, the movie quickly turns to predictable territory halfway through and of course the ending there’s the truck going over that damn cliff, an explosion—and a tagged on ending where the evil truck driver is somehow still alive and wanting to drive into another sequel.

Ju-On (2003)

A house is cursed after a husband brutally slays his wife and eight-year-old son. Anyone who visits it comes face to face with either the ghost of the woman or kid-and dies as a result. A volunteer social worker is assigned to fill in for another who is absent and ends up going to this apartment to check up on an elderly woman. Once there she finds a boy blocked in a room upstairs, so she calls back to her office to tell them this. Then, the old woman starts incoherently talking-and they come face to face with the woman’s ghost. When the other worker from the office shows up he finds the volunteer in shock and the old woman dead. Then, others associated with the apartment start to die, including the last surviving policeman who had investigated the slayings four years before. As far as locations they looked pretty much the same in the remake. The actors, except for the psychotic father and the son, are all replaced as well. The effects in Ju-On are all physical-makeup mostly, while in the new version they heavily rely upon computer graphics. This original version of ‘The Grudge’ didn’t impress me. I liked the American version with Sarah Michelle Gellar MUCH more, primarily because it was more cohesive.

Judge & Jury (1997)

David Keith hams it up as Joseph Meeker, a convicted killer who comes back from hell to wreak havoc on Martin Kove (Doing Time on Planet Earth) man who he thinks killed his wife. Years before Meeker and his new bride, while robbing a drugstore, are involved in a shootout with the police and it looks as if Kove is responsible for her slaying. Subsequently, Meeker is put to death for killing innocent bystanders and Kove quits the force. Years later, for no apparent reason, Meeker returns from the grave to get his vengeance on Kove, who by this time doesn’t have much of a life to speak of. A seemingly directionless Keith goes around killing some of Kove’s police force friends and eventually holds his wife and teenage son hostage, crying for retribution. When it’s revealed in a ridiculous ‘twist’ that Meeker was actually responsible for killing his own wife in the shootout (which is replayed at least a half dozen times in the course of the film, in slo-mo!) the result is laughable. Unable to bear the truth, Meeker commits suicide by shooting himself in the head, a very simplistic, not to mention disappointing, solution for killing a supposed supernatural entity.

Jumanji (1995)

I put off seeing this movie for years because my impression from the trailer and the box was that it’s strictly a kid’s movie. What it is is a weird supernatural time travel movie with a cool plot idea, decent computer effects and plenty of unpredictability (as far as Hollywood movies go). In the midst of playing an ancient looking game that he recently found half-buried in the ground, a boy is sucked into a vortex and disappears. His girl friend, who was playing opposite him is then chased out of the house by giant african bats. Then we skip 25 years later when two new kids and their aunt move into the house-and find that same game. Once they start to play they encounter giant insects, man-eating plants and insane monkeys-and, of course, they bring back the boy who is now an adult (Robin Williams).

Jumper (2008)

Fans of the Stephen Gould book upon which this is based will like this sci-fi/action movie, though it’s not exactly an adaptation of that novel. Whereas the book tells the tale of David Rice and how he discovers that he can teleport himself virtually anywhere, the script uses this background as a jumping off point and creates much of it’s own characters and mythology.

Hayden Christensen is David Rice, a guy who is able to transport himself anywhere. He enjoys an exciting, anonymous life, without a care in the world until he’s discovered by the Palladins, those who, for thousands of years, have hunted down and killed Jumpers because they think that “only God should have that power”. David returns to his home town of Ann Arbor Michigan and reunites with his childhood crush, Milly (Rachel Bilson), who he takes to Rome in a conventional manner. He doesn’t want her to know he has this strange power, which becomes a moot point when they are tracked down by the jumper hunters. David meets Griffin (Jamie Bell), another Jumper who has been hunting and killing the Pallidins for years. The one at the top of his list, and the one determined after David, is Roland (Samuel L. Jackson). They temporarily band together to try and get rid of this threat and to save Milly,  who is captured by Roland.

Christensen is good in the role, as is Bilson, though Jackson is a bit too over-the-top as the white haired villain, Roland. The most intriguing character, however, is Griffin, who is literally left hanging around (presumably for a sequel?). The special effects are great, as are the numerous chase scenes, where they teleport to various locations. Recommended.

Junk (1999)

This Japanese zombie movie is very much like From Duskk Til Dawn, only with zombies. It starts off with this group robbing a jewelry store and then hiding out in an old abandoned army base. Then the zombies, from a recent experiment, start to awaken. The rotting corpses are led by an intelligent zombie, a woman who turns out to be this scientist’s wife he was trying to resurrect. In Evil Dead style her hair changes color-to a bad white wig-when she attacks and leaps about. The two robbers who end up surviving are interesting characters, the zombies are decent looking and the movie moves along well, a quick hour and a half. But there’s absolutely nothing original here.

Jurassic Park 3 (2001)

Better than Part 2, The Lost World, not as good as the first, this is still a decent sequel, featuring Dr. Grant who is shanghaied by a couple in search of their son. Months before the kid was stranded on the dinosaur island—and in desperation of getting no help from the U.S Embassy or Costa Rica (who the island belongs to) the couple pose as millionaires in search of thrills and promise to pay Dr. Grant lots of money to continue his private research on fossils. It turns out they aren’t millionaires at all—or even married anymore—the just want to get their kid back. It’s revealed that the raptors are far more intelligent than believed, some new dinosaurs are introduced, like the nest of Pteranodons, and a super predator larger and more ferocious than T-Rex, a Spinosaurus, which kind of looks like a T-Rex with a back fin and a crocodile head. The battle between the two dinosaurs is worth the price of the ticket alone.

Justice League of America: New Frontier (2008)

To watch this you have to forget all the previous animated incarnations of The Justice League of America, as this starts at the beginning and in the 1950’s, after McCarthyism and during the Cold War. The characters, such as Superman and Batman, are in their old costumes and new characters, such as The Green Lantern and The Martian Manhunter, are introduced and are vitally important to this story. The villainous threat which unites all these heroes is “The Center”, an ancient creature that takes the form of an island and spews forth all sorts of prehistoric creatures into battle. The Center wants to eliminate humanity, which it views as a threat to the planet.

The movie is much more violent and bloody than your usual superhero cartoon, which is surprising, though it’s effective. Based on the graphic novel by Darwyn Cooke

Justice League Unlimited: Season One (2004)

This animated series continues the Justice League story, with a roaster that includes just about every DC Comics superhero, from Captain Atom to Red Tornado to Bwana Beast. The story arc has a secret organization of the United States Government coming up with their own super-powered beings to potentially battle the LEAGUE if they ever get too powerful. One of the problems with this is that Lex Luthor (who has been pardoned of his crimes by the President because of his recent humanitarian efforts) is working with this group, perhaps to get the biggest revenge of all against Superman. And there’s also a matured clone of Supergirl who is nothing but trouble, for both the League and this secret organization. Highly recommended.

Justice League Unlimited: Season Two (2004)

This holds well to the standards of the first season, as well as Justice League of America. Lex Luthor is determined to resurrect the living computer Brainiac but is recruited by Gorilla Grodd (from a race of intelligent gorillas) to join his Legion of Supervillains. Grodd has an agenda - and what it turns out to be is that he wants to transform everyone into apes. When Luthor is changed, he is still bald, of course. Yet the real supervillain turns out to be non other than Darkseid (first seen in The Adventures of Superman). If you’re a fan of superheroes and haven’t had a chance to watch JLA or JLA: Unlimited, I highly recommend you catch up on these dvd sets. This is not your childhood “Superfriends”.

Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths (2010)

In the opening scene a good version of Lex Luthor, along with a good version of The Joker, known here as The Jester, steal a quantum trigger device before an evil version of the Justice League apprehends them. Luther escapes when the Jester sacrifices himself. Luthor appears on another Earth, goes to the nearest police station and asks for them to contact the Justice League. Immediately Superman sees that he’s from another Universe, as his internal organs are reversed. Luthor asks for the team’s help to defeat the Crime Syndicate, which is led by Ultraman. During this adventure the Martian Manhunter develops feelings for the President’s daughter, though they can never be together. Owlman, sort of an evil Batman, wants to find and destroy Earth Prime, the first and original Earth upon which all the others are copies. So the fate of the worlds depend on a battle between Batman and Owlman.

This is a good continuation of the JLA animated series, though I thought it was funny that all the evil versions of the characters have accents, like Ultraman with a thuggish Brooklyn accent, the Flash counterpart sounding Australian, et cetera. Written by Dwayne McDuffie, who penned may of Cartoon Network’s JUSTICE LEAGUE series stories.

Justice League: Doom (2012)

In this sequel to the JLA animated television series, the weaknesses of the founding members are used by an enemy, who has created the League of Doom. He’s recruited Supervillains who have gripes with specific JLA members, such as Cheetah with Wonderwoman, Bane with Batman and Metallo with Superman. While the animation is on par with the recent Warner Brothers animated DC comics films (eh), the story is great and consistent (and grittier) than the television series.

“K” Titles

K-Pax (2002)

A seemingly crazy homeless man named Prot (Kevin Spacey) is picked up by the authorities in Grand Central Station and is taken to a mental institution in Manhattan, where he’s seen by Dr. Powell (Jeff Bridges). The Doctor tries to get Prot to admit that he’s not really and alien-and Prot’s obscure knowledge of the galaxy slowly begins to convince Powell that he may indeed be a visitor from another planet. OF course, this back and forth ‘is he an alien?’ continues until the last five minutes of the movie-but it’s pulled off well. Although the story has been done before and the movie itself is rather like an amalgam of Starman and The Fisher King (in which Bridges also starred), it still works. The acting is the thing here-very good performances by Bridges and Spacey.

Kaina: The Prophecy (2004)

If I were to compare this computer-animated movie to another, it would be Final Fantasy The Spirits Within. Kaina (voice of Kirsten Dunst) is a young girl who, with the rest of her people, live in what appears to be a gigantic tree. It’s on one of her excursions that we see it is actually suspended in orbit about a planet. Six hundred years ago aliens had crashed their ship-and this ‘tree’ has grown around a section of the craft. An ancient one of these aliens still survives and is assisted by prosthetic assisted worms, whose intelligence has been increased. His desire is to preserve what is basically a computer stored information bank about his people. But there are forces that want to stop him, creatures that take their form from the ‘sap’ of the tree. The characters are well-established and the story complex, definitely intended for an older audience. There are also plenty of strange monsters, one of them being these giant flying sharks that prey on the humans. A visually entertaining, unpredictable movie.

Katiebird: Certifiable Crazy Person (2005)

This is an interesting take on the serial killer sub-genre, about the creation of a physically violent FEMALE killer (usually female murderers are poisoners or child killers). The movie begins with Katiebird as an adult (Helen Udy) and a man she is involved with. As that story unfolds we go back and forth to a series of flashbacks, where we see Katiebird first as a child and then as a teenager (Taylor M. Dooley). It’s soon revealed that her father is a serial murderer-and that he finds it absolutely normal to pass the legacy on to his offspring. In fact, in the most harrowing scenes, he coaches her when she makes her first kill on an Asian boy who she likes. Katiebird has a natural knack for this kind of killing and lives by her father’s motto that you “have to uncover the truth”, which translates to removing a person’s flesh. My only gripe is that I much preferred Taylor M. Dooley as Katiebird and this actress’ performance far outshines that of Helene Udy. They should have made her appear older and kept her throughout the film. Although I at first found the style of the film irritating, with these multiple camera shots on the screen at the same time, it does successfully convey the disjointed personality of the character. Katiebird is also a well thought out psychological profile of a profoundly disturbed individual, almost is if you’re watching a twisted documentary. It’s exactly what an independent horror movie should be— creative!

Kaw (2007)

In a small farming community people start being attacked ‘and killed’ by ravens.

Several different characters are followed around, including the Sheriff (Sean Patrick Flanery), a recovering alcoholic bus driver (Stephen McHattie of Whatever Happened to Rosemary’s Baby, 300) and a Mennonite girl (they are sort of like the Amish).

There’s some great scenes of the ravens attacking people, as they are the real birds, though the computer animated flock sequences are far less convincing. The story and acting are good but the one disappointing thing is that the bird killings simply aren’t gory enough. After they attack someone you just see the person bloodied up, when in reality they’d be missing all the soft parts of their faces, with their lips, noses and eyes ripped out, as the birds are killing them for food. Still, it’s far better than Birds II: Land’s End and even features actor Rod Taylor (The Birds, The Time Machine) as the country doctor, which I thought was very cool.

Kibakichi (2005)

Kibakichi is a lone Samurai wandering the 17th Century countryside, who seems to be searching for a place to live. He kills some men and then some monsters along the way, until he comes to this town inhabited by some odd people. Actually, they are odd because they’re not people at all but monsters disguised in human form. There are women who are really giant spiders and others who looks as if they stepped out of the movie Night Breed. They run gambling games to bring humans in from out of town-let two out of ten win and leave with their earnings, then eat the other eight losers. Through a flashback it’s revealed that Kibakichi inadvertently led humans to his werewolf tribe-and everyone was killed except for him. Because of this past failure he’s willing to defend this town from the humans who want to destroy it. But can monsters compete with guns?Although he doesn’t turn into his werewolf form until the end of the movie, where he’s battling humans and the monsters allied with them, it’s worth the wait, as I’ve never seen a werewolf that looks like this. Sure, it’s a guy in a suit but it’s still pretty cool. As werewolf movies go, Kibakichi is an original.

Kick-Ass (2010)

I really dug the graphic novel so it was with a bit of trepidation that I went to the Hollywood movie adaptation. And, of course, my feeling of foreboding was confirmed. They basically took away all of the gritty, “real-life” aspect of the book and then tagged on an entirely new ending for the last third of the movie. An ending that, yes, includes flying. Flying! The biggest failure is the casting of the actors, with two exceptions. Dave Lizewski, in the graphic novel, is a scrappy, small kid. Here, he’s portrayed by Aaron Johnson, who has that femmy look all leading guy teenagers have lately, from Twilight to Percy Jackson. To top that off, he looks exactly like Albert from the TV series Little House on the Prairie and it’s really not good being reminded of that show while trying to watch an action flick. It’s distracting. And Nicolas Cage is too over the top as superhero “Big Daddy”. You just don’t buy it. His new “secret origin” takes the wind out of the character, as well as the point of the story to begin with, which was fantasy superheroes vs. real-life superheroes. The biggest flub, however, is choosing Christopher Mintz-Plasse as Red Mist. Huh? It’s not even funny and perhaps that was the intention. This isn’t Super Bad Part II, it’s Kick-Ass. I think the producers got confused by this. However, Mark Strong is perfect as mob bad-guy Frank D’Amico and Chloe Moretz is totally awesome as Hit-Girl. It’s almost worth enduring the movie for her scenes alone. If you’re going to see this because you loved the book, save your cash and re-read it. If are inkling to see the movie and haven’t read the book, well, your loss. It’s probably too much work to ask you to do read it, but then again you’re reading this review so you CAN read. With Kick-Ass Hollywood once again fucks up the source material—and of course leaves it wide open for the inevitable—and lamer— sequel.

Kill and Kill Again (1981)

This follow-up to Kill or be Killed isn’t so much a sequel as an entirely different story. In fact, some of the actors who were karate guys in the first movie are back in this one, as different characters. Steve Chase (James Ryan) is hired by some rich guys to infiltrate this brain-washed village led by a fanatic named Marduk. He’s stolen a formula that can make fuel out of potatoes(!) and a by-product of this is a mind-control drug he has used to control this village. Hunt gets four guys to help him infiltrate the place, in order to rescue the scientist who invented the formula. The karate fights aren’t as well done as in the first movie, there’s a woman who looks like a heavy version of Annie Lennox and everything is much more cartoonish in tone.

Kill Bill: Volume 1 (2003)

The 4th film by Quentin Tarantino is his best. I can’t believe it. The movie is basically a homage to those martial arts action flicks from the 70’s, namely The Shaw Brothers, with Uma Thurman as a former assassin bent on revenge. You see, the group of assassins she belonged to thought they had killed her on her wedding night. She was even shot in the head by the leader, Bill (David Carradine)-and right before he shot her she revealed that the baby she was carrying was his. Four years later she wakes up from a coma, figures out what’s going on-and then sets out to kill them all. She is one very focused woman.Uma Thurman is not one of my favorite actresses-hey, she kind of looks like a bug-but she’s surprisingly well suited for an action movie. I didn’t expect that. Like PULP FICTION the movie skips around in time quite a bit which succeeds in keeping you guessing what’s going on. And as for action and gore-this is one of the goriest movies I’ve seen in a long time. The scene where she single-handedly kills over 80 assassins is seen to be believed. Just amazing. To get around the censorship bureau they turn this scene to black and white, bypassing all the spraying red blood. Then, when it’s over it’s color-and we see the aftermath of limbs akimbo and stumpy assassins moaning and trying to crawl away .I can’t tell you the ending but it becomes very self-evident why this movie is labelled Vol 1. She only kills two of the five assassins here....

Kill Bill: Volume 2 (2004)

This second half of the Kill Bill movie is not as engaging as the first half-and made me wish that Tarantino had just left this all together as one big five hour movie. But this aside, it is an extremely entertaining film. The whole wedding chappel scene is shown, before everyone is slain-and we get a good understanding of why Beatrix Kiddo (Uma Thurman) has decided to retire from her life as a hired assassin. Then, it picks up with her in the present, driving out to kill the Michael Madsen character, who is retired and living out in a trailer in El Paso, Texas. But she’s caught off guard and he subdues her after shooting her in the chest with some rock salt. Then he buries her alive in a coffin. How does she get out of this? The movie then goes into one of its many flashback scenes, this time to when she was trained in kung fu by an ancient Chinese master. And this guy looks exactly like a character from one of those 70’s Shaw Brothers movies, with the long white beard and immensely bushy eyebrows. It’s hilarious.All the fight scenes that happen are intense, though not nearly as bloody as those in the first movie (especially when compared to the battle with the Crazy 88!). The fight with the one-eyed Elle (Darryl Hannah) ends on an ironic note. And the final confrontation with Bill (David Carradine really hamming it up) is unexpected, particularly when Beatrix finds out that he’s been raising their four year old daughter, BB. Man, Carradine is getting old. The movie ends exactly how you think it will-and as a whole is a good way to pass two hours. The only gripe I have is that the whole ‘mother’ on a rampage thing is too stereotypical, especially with this philosophy (a distinctly American philosophy) that she’ll do anything, even kill, to protect her child. All this in order to raise her in a world without violence. Doesn’t this seem a bit contradictory? Anyone?

Kill or Be Killed (1977)

James Ryan is Steve Chase, a martial arts master who is recruited by a mysterious German guy. It turns out, though, that the old German guy was once a Nazi and is obsessed with winning a karate tournament against a Japanese team. Hunt and his karate girlfriend escape (why a woman is training with them is never explained)-but she’s captured by an evil henchman and imprisoned in the German’s dungeon (he has a castle in the middle of the desert). He tells hunt that he must rejoin the team-but instead of doing this he joins the Japanese team, so he can go back there and rescue her. There are lots of karate matches, many to the death, and Hunt is ultimately pitted against his girlfriend while soldiers aim their guns on them. If they don’t fight they’ll be shot. A good cheesy martial arts film.

Kill Theory (2009)

The movie begins with a psychologist talking to a patient who is being released. The patient was found guilty of killing his two friends. He was a mountain climber and had cut their rope in order to save his own life. The doctor wants to see him for regular visits and tells him he’s going to write a chapter about him in his new book, all this while he’s playing golf in front of the patient in his office. Then we go to a group of college friends who are about to graduate. They drive to one of their parents’ houses to bond for the weekend. But this celebration is cut short late that night when one of the girls is killed and hurled through a window. They others find a videotape of her given a choice between shooting her drunk, passed out boyfriend or killing herself. She tries to kill the intruder but he slits her throat, also shown on camera. Then he tells them that they all have a choice. They are to kill one another so there’s only one survivor—and this must happen before 6am, within the next three hours. He tells them that if they try to escape he will kill them. At first the friends balk at this idea, then the one who looks like a clone of Jared Padelecki decides to get things going when he drowns his stepsister and then kills the token fat guy. One by one they are eliminated. There’s not a lot of special effects, mostly shootings and stabbings, though there is one amusing scene where a girl kills her boyfriend with a shovel.

This movie didn’t live all that big impression with me, just another Saw wannabee. The idea is done much better in the movie The Killing Gene.

Killdozer (1974)

In this made-for-tv movie from the late 70’s a group of construction workers, working on a secluded island, encounter some strangeness when the power from an uprooted meteor inhabits one of their bulldozers and brings it to life. One by one the guys are killed off. Not as stupid as it sounds, this is a really engaging movie, very similar to Speilberg’s Duel or that horror classic, The Car. I remember reading this as a Marvel comic adaptation first, a few years before I saw this as a kid. Both are about equally entertaining.

Killer Bees (2002)

Paint-by-the numbers made for cable (PAX) movie about African Killer bees killing people in a small Washington State town. Each year beekeepers from across the country bring in their bees to help pollenate crops, only this time a keeper from down in Mexico has accidently brought some of the ferocious insects with him. An extremely weary and worn looking C. Thomas Howell is the reluctant sheriff (who is terrified of bees) and Tracy Nelson is his estranged wife. There’s also a bee expert who also happens to have MS (which is actually portrayed in a realistic way, for once). Although the script is familiar, the characters are likeable and the hour and a half passes quickly. The computer effects of the bees is really really bad, though, making the effects in The Swarm look like Jurassic Park quality.

Killer Buzz (2003)

Sub-par killer bee movie that borders on the ridiculous. There are far too many things wrong with this movie to list so I’ll just talk about the biggest ones... The story is about oil companies destroying the rain forest and the indian tribe that is trying to stop them. When the tribe attacks, during a time a reporter (Gabrielle Anwar of Invasion of the Body Snatchers 1990) is doing a story, we see that none of the indians look like each other. Their height, skin color and hair are all different, which means that they got about any ‘extra’ they could. In reality, they’d all be the same stature, have the same hairstyle and look alike, as these reclusive tribes don’t genetically mix with other people. It all cheapens the movie.There is also a military group, led by Rutger Hauer (Blood of Heroes, Bladerunner) which is experimenting with a new strain of killer bees. At one point the reporter is shot and almost killed by the bees-but is saved by those local indians and given an antidote to the bee venom. We next see her in a hospital, where she’s miraculously recovered from her wound. It has all but healed. Is it because of the bees or the antidote? A local scientist/doctor (David McNaughton of American Werewolf in London) sees all of this -and when he comes across one of the military’s bee hives, steals it and takes it aboard a plane bound for New York City. He thinks he’ll make his fortune. Unfortunately the bees get loose on the plane and start stinging passengers. Also on board is the reporters soon-to-be-divorced husband (Craig Scheffer of Night Breed), who ultimately becomes the reluctant hero. Okay. The military outfit run by Rutger Hauer is as unconvincing as that indian tribe. Just a bunch of extras thrown together. The lead actors more or less sleep through their lines, probably wondering what they had gotten themselves into. And the killer bees are almost an afterthought-and they appear very much as computer special effects. So many different things are going on, none of them interesting, that you even forget this is supposed to be a killer animal movie.

Killer Crocodile (1989)

This Italian JAWS rip-off is entertaining, mostly because of the low-budget and the giant rubber crocodile. A group of ecologists are in a tiny boat exploring the swamps of some unnamed island, trying to prove that the water is being polluted by people. What they discover is that someone is dumping radioactive waste in the muck. They confront the local law (Van Johnson) but he’s in cahoots with the dumping guys, so he won’t help them. A few villagers are killed by the giant croc and a hunter is brought in to kill it. The ecologists are opposed to this, saying that it’s “one of a kind”. Their attitude changes quickly when they are hunted by the creature. Sometimes the crocodile effects are good, sometimes it looks very fake, but I’d take this anytime over the cheap computer CGI in such movies as Lake Placid 2. The movie ends on a shot of a giant crocodile egg hatching—-and guess what, there’s a Killer Crocodile 2.

Killer Eye, The (1999)

Another Full-Moon David DeCoteau using a pseudonym movie. An evil scientist, trying to prove the existence of the 8th Dimension, uses unsuspecting street kids as guinea pigs in his experiments. With his latest he puts eye drops in one of the guy’s eyes, warning him that it’ll start feeling warm. Once the effects kick in he should be able to look through this microscope looking contraption and see the 8th Dimension. Before this happens, though, the scientist is interrupted by his nymphoid sex-pot wife, who wants his attention. He’s more concerned with his experiments than sex. She’s having relations with nearly everyone living in their building. When he goes back to check on his experiment he finds the guy dead on the floor, missing his eyeball. The experiment was a great success. His missing eye had grown to huge proportions, assuming the shape and mind of a typical eyeball creature from that other dimension. It wanders around the apartment building, hypnotizing and then having weird sex with some of the women, including the scientist’s wife. The scientist ultimately wants to help the creature, as it seems he prefers it to his human brethren. Of course the giant wandering eye is goofy looking, like something out of Spectre Man or Johnny Soko And His Giant Robot.. And, as with any Dave DeCoteau movie, more male flesh is exposed than female. A so-so Full Moon endeavor. At least the eyeball was human sized, not this munchkin-looking thing like in every other Charlie Band produced movie.

Killer Me (2001)

Although it’s a very slow moving film, which is supposed to be, it is an interesting character study of a serial killer. The man works in a library during the day and also takes some college classes. He seems entirely normal-but then has these episodes where he hears these whispering voices and is compelled to either kill someone or cut himself. When he can’t do the former he does the latter. The killings that we see are vicious and rather startling. But not all the killings are actually happening-some are just going on in his mind and he doesn’t know if they really happened or not. Trouble starts when he starts dating a young girl he met in one of his classes and they like each other, going on a series of dates. She confides in him that she’s tired of being alone and trusts that he’d never hurt her. This freaks him out because he’s afraid, with his murderous urges, that he will indeed harm her. So, calls her and tells her it won’t work out. She repeatedly tries to call him and even goes to the library, where he works, but he hasn’t shown up in days. In the end she finds him in his apartment with a bad infection from a self-inflicted cut. Will he end up killing her? I like Killer Me primarily because the performances were so natural-I felt like I was watching people’s lives, not watching a movie. And you just don’t see serial killers portrayed this way, which is probably how it REALLY is, rather than a Hannibal Lector type character.

Killer Mountain (2011)

A retired mountain climber, Ward Donovan (Aaron Douglas of Battlestar Galactica) is hired by a rich guy to rescue another group, which includes his ex-wife. There are weird creatures that live on the mountain, presumably of alien-origin since it’s hinted by one of the guides that “the gods” fell from the sky long ago and took residence on the hunk of rock. This is also ties into the origins of the mythical city of Shamballah, where people don’t age. This turns out to be a side effect of these weird larvae. The healing property is in their blood, though they are also carnivorous and feed like piranhas.

As Syfy monster movies go this is leaps better than any Crocosaur or Octoshark movie. The story is interesting, the actors are a step above and the cgi creatures don’t disappoint. Recommended.

Killer Pad (2008)

The box art for this proudly proclaims “From a producer of Dude, Where’s My Car?”. But if you’re going to rent this movie based on that glowing recommendation, don’t. This movie is lame. Lame. Lame.

Three young guys from the Midwest move out to California with their bulldog and manage to get a great deal on a huge house in the Hollywood Hills, primarily because it’s a portal to Hell. Of course, they don’t notice all the demon fixtures in the house or all the upside-down crosses. And when they see the glowing fire bit in the basement it’s not a worry. They are soon visited by a beautiful woman who claims to be a neighbor and she suggests they throw a party, which they do. And at the party people start to die. Some are sucked down into the pit, others are boiled alive in the hot tub, et cetera.

Almost all of the jokes fall flat and it’s a real effort to get through this stinker. Directed by Robert “Freddy Krueger” Englund, who, in the DVD extras talks about this like it’s an art film and how shooting it in HD is “the next step in filmmaking.” Agggggh.

Killer Rats (2003)

In the first few minutes of this movie two people are underground, doing repairs on some electrical lines, and accidently set free some mutated rats from their lair. They are torn apart by a substantially large rodent. Next, cut to a young blonde woman (Sarah Downey), who is admitted to the private mental institution for suicidal tendencies. It turns out that she’s really a reporter going undercover as a patient in order to get the scoop of what’s really going on there-which turns out to be that the experimental have survived and were kept alive by a former patient whose mind they telepathically control. It’s the usual rehash of Shock Corridor, not done nearly so well. Patients start being killed by intelligent rats, which look pretty cool with these glowing red eyes. But then we see the rat’s leader, which is huge-and really fake looking. In some scenes it’s a cartoon generated effect, in others it’s a guy in a rat suit-and the two different types of effects don’t match up. I can’t believe that Tibor Takacs (The Gate) directed this. Willard or Deadly Eyes this is not.

Killing Gene, The (2008)

The premise of this movie is that in NYC various gang members are being killed in a strange way—they are being tortured. The first victim discovered is a pregnant woman who was electrocuted and when the police go to question her gang member boyfriend they find him hanged, with similar cuts on him. Is he somehow responsible for her death and did he kill himself afterwards? It turns out that a woman who was tortured and raped by the gang is getting her revenge, by capturing the culprit and someone they love, hooking them up to two chairs, one of which is rigged to deliver a lethal electrical charge to the other, and giving them a choice. She will only stop their torture when they pull the switch that will kill their “loved” one. To her this proves the theory that there is no such thing as “love” or “altruism”.

Stellan Skarsgard (Exorcist Prequel) gives another stellar performance, as the jaded detective in charge of the investigation. What happens to his character will move you. This has been the year for Selma Blair, who gives a compelling performance as the killer/victim. The Killing Gene is a smarter version of Saw, a prime example of an intelligent horror movie.

Killing in a Small Town, A (1990)

Here, in one of the most unsettling television movie in years, the killer is the main character. Barbara Hershey gives an Emmy-winning performance as Candy Morrison, guilty of chopping her best friend to death with an axe. When Candy is first shown as an unobtrusive wallflower and model citizen, she is shocked at the news that her friend has been slain—because she doesn’t recall committing the act. Or does she? Through a series of flashbacks in both the psychiatrist’s office and the court room, the viewer is convinced that killing her friend was the only real choice she had. The low-key performances and general feeling of dread this movie provokes make this worth checking out.

Killing Me Softly (2003)

Heather Graham portrays an American living in London who falls for a mysterious dark and handsome stranger. She quickly leaves her live-in boyfriend to pursue her new relationship, which is entirely physical. Even after they marry she still knows little about him and this becomes a problem later on when she suspects that he murdered his old girlfriend. She also becomes friends with his athletic sister, who seems peculiarly jealous of her. There’s a lot of tension and suspicion all around and the movie did keep me guessing until the end who the murderer really was. Also, if you want to see Heather Graham naked this is your movie.

Killing Moon (2001)

A thief inadvertently bring a deadly virus aboard an airplane. He dies in mid-flight and soon other passengers start showing symptoms, such as bleeding from the eyes. It’s an incredibly fast moving disease. On the ground a doctor from disease control (Penelope Ann Miller of The Relic) tries to find the answer of how to stop the deaths. It turns out that it’s a man-made virus, a biological weapon. It’s a race against time to find the cure and also land the plane before everyone on board dies. A well done disaster movie.

Killing: Season 1 (2011)

Against the dreary, depressing backdrop of rainy Seattle, the police investigate the brutal murder of teenager Rosie Larsen, who was beaten and then locked in the trunk of a car that was sunk into the water. Sarah Linden (Mirielle Enos) is the investigating detective, who is all set to leave the city and get married. But her Captain puts her on the case anyways—and she’s sucked into it, much to the detriment of her almost non-existent personal life. She has a thirteen year old son who is getting in trouble and also suspects that her new “partner”, Holder, may be a drug addict. There’s also the victim’s family. Her father used to work for the Russian mob and something’s “off” about her mother, Mitch (Michelle Forbes of Battlestar Galactica, Trueblood Season 2). At first the detectives think that one of Rosie’s teachers may be the culprit, but that’s a red herring. It may also be her old boyfriend, a spoiled rich kid. Or, as the series progresses, it may even be a local “good guy” politician, Darren Richmond (Bill Campbell of The 4400) who has a darker side. The thirteen episode first season ends on a big cliffhanger.

I have not seen the original series, so I can’t compare it to that. But as a mystery/drama it’s engaging and the characters are complex. It sort of reminds me of a more reality grounded Twin Peaks, probably because that show centered around a teenager’s murder as well.

Killjoy (2001)

This new movie released by Full Moon Pictures features a pretty cool villain by the name of Killjoy, sort of a cross between Freddy Krueger and one of the Killer Klowns from Outer Space. It begins with a guy who has a crush on a girl-but the girl’s evil boyfriend, who is the leader of a no-good gang, is sick and tired of him hovering around his woman. So he kills him. Little does he know, however, that before he killed the boy that he had summoned the creature Killjoy-who, a year later, starts wreaking havoc on the gang who killed him-and who wants the girl as well. Carl Washington, who scripted the movie, has a brief cameo.

King Arthur (2004)

Next to John Boorman’s Excalibur and the Hallmark movie, Merlin, this is among the best King Arthur movies I’ve seen. It takes place during the Roman occupation of England, with Arthur and his men basically indentured warriors serving the Romans. On the day they receive their freedom they realize that they have no place in the Roman Empire-and that they should be helping the island’s natives. Among them is Guinevere (Kira Knightley of Pirates of the Carribean), who is of the same tribe as Merlin. She’s once of the factors that convince Arthur to defend them against the invading Saxons, who turn out to be far more ruthless-and deadlier— than the Romans. I kept on hearing how violent this movie was, which was surprising, since movies like Braveheart and The Passion are far far more bloody and gory than this flick. There are some decapitations and blood flying, but it’s somewhat disconnected and you don’t see the full extent of it. The important thing is the story and this movie definitely has that going for it. I found this new ‘take’ on the Arthur legend interesting and the movie an entertaining ride into the past.

King Kobra (1999)

A team of scientists, led by Dr. Irwin Burns, test an experimental drug that increases the aggression in animals and humans. When his lab explodes during an accident, the giant mutated snake they created, a hybrid of a King Cobra and a diamondback, escapes and starts killing people in the nearby town. Although this presents the typical animal on the loose scenario the script is engaging, the effects by the Chiodo brothers are excellent and Pat Morita gives one of his best performances to date as a snake wrangler.

King Dinosaur (1955)

Through the ample use of stock footage (about ten minutes!) it’s explained that a new planet has attached itself to our solar system and is within rocketship distance from Earth. The scientists name this planet Nova. A bunch of scientists, two men and two women, are sent to investigate and come across a landscape that looks remarkably like their world. They’re unfazed that there’s deer, woolly mammoths and black bears (footage from the original One Million Years B.C), but refer to them as primitive life forms. They eventually decide to explore a mysterious looking island and come across lizards made up to look like dinosaurs. When we see the giant iguana with the horn glued to its snout one of the scientists exclaims ‘That looks just like Tyrannosaurus Rex’.! Maybe he was getting it confused with the American version of Godzilla...Anyway, the King Dinosaur traps them in a cave and they have to get away. A giant alligator comes along and the two beasts battle. They eventually escape its lizard clutches and blow the island up in an atomic explosion. At this point they realize they should probably head back home.

King Kong (1933)

Like a zillion other people out there, this movie made quite an impression upon me when I first saw it (6 years old at the time?) and it still holds up well after 72 years after it was first released. At 100 minutes, including the restored footage of Kong eating and stomping some native villagers, this movie is FAST. Although it is not until 40 minutes when Anne Darrow is abducted by the Skull Island inhabitants and taken off by Kong, from then on it’s non-stop action. Kong carries Anne through the jungle, the men from the ship go after her. They go through a swamp, where they are attacked by a brontosaurus, then most of the men are thrown off that chasm spanning log. Right after, Kong fights the T-Rex to death, then takes Anne up to his lair in Skull Mountain, where he fights a snake-like amphibious creature, then a Pteranodon. Anne gets away-and he follows her to the native’s village, breaking through the massive door in the huge wall, and killing many natives before he’s knocked unconscious by Carl Denham’s gas bombs. Then, it’s off to the Big Apple-and we know what happens there... I actually like some aspects of the 1976 remake better, such as the more established relationships between the woman and the guy-and also the interaction/bond between Jessica Lange and Kong. It’s simply more emotional-and she doesn’t want Kong to die at the end.

King Kong (1976)

I still have ambivalent feelings about this 70’s remake of the original 1933 film. On one hand I can understand them wanting to ‘update’ it to the present day, making it an oil expedition rather than a film crew. I don’t have a problem with that. What doesn’t work about this is the Charles Grodin character, complete opposite of his 30’s counterpart. He’s too ruthless, too unlikable and you want him to die right away. It’s great when he eventually gets stomped on by Kong, but it was long overdue by the time it happened. Jessica Lange’s Dwan character is much more sympathetic towards Kong than Fay Wray was. The movie’s scenes with them interacting at the waterfall, her falling into the empty tank where Kong is prisoner, and her trying to get him to pick her up when they are on the Twin Towers so the helicopters won’t shoot at him, all work well.The man in the ape outfit works to a limited amount, primarily in the close-ups, and Rick Baker always does a good ape. When he’s walking around he walks upright, not like a gorilla. The blue-screen effects look very noticeable nowadays and detract from the scenes.I think that if the producer DeLaurentis had kept all of the dinosaurs, rather than substitute Kong fighting a giant python, there would have been a much better film. Also, The Mighty Peking Man (1978), which is basically a remake of this version of King Kong, is far more entertaining. But is Kong really dead? No. He’s kept alive with a giant artificial heart by Linda Hamilton in the sequel, King Kong Lives (1986)!

King Kong (2005)

From Carl Denham dodging his angry producers in New York City to the discovery of Skull Island and the sacrifice and rescue of Ann Darrow from Kong, this three hour movie has not a slow spot in it. Everything from the 1933 movie is expanded upon, with more character development of Ann and Jack Driscoll, more dinosaurs on the island. There’s a herd of brontosaurs, Kong battles three Tyrannosaurs, and rather than one Pteranodon attacking him at his cliffside abode, there’s a swarm of these horrible looking bat creatures. Kong is portrayed as much more ferocious-and a reason is supplied. Strewn among his home are the skeletons of all the other giant gorillas that have been killed by the island. He is the last one of his kind and it’s a daily battle for survival, as attested by all the scars over his body. In Ann Darrow he finds a positive connection to another creature, though it’s ultimately his downfall. The end fight atop the Empire State building is amazing, both visually and dramatically. As far as casting, Naomi Watts gives another superb performance. Even Jack Black, not exactly my favorite actor, is perfect as Carl Denham. I had my doubts about Adrian Brody as a ‘re-imagined’ Jack Driscoll, yet it works having him be the Denham’s script writer turned hero. Peter Jackson’s King Kong not only surpasses the original, it’s one of the best films I’ve ever seen.

King Kong vs. Godzilla (1962)

As part of the Godzilla series of films, this is a surprisingly weak one, as the majority of it is these news reporters talking about what’s going on. Godzilla has reappeared after awakening from his sleep in the arctic and is returning to Tokyo. An American scientist explains that he may be a cross between a Tryannosaurus and a Stegosaurus, which is goofy, as that’s akin to crossing a lion with a cow. As this is happening, there’s another story about a mysterious fruit that can cure illness-and it only grows on the remote Faro island. Here, the natives worship a giant god named KONG, which the scientists believe is a myth. That is, until the giant ape appears. The battle between the two behemoths is like watching WWW (well, it may be more believable!). Personally, I enjoyed King Kong Escapes much better.

King of the Ants (2003)

An aimless guy is hired by a corrupt building constructor (the fat Baldwin brother) to kill an accountant who would be able to testify against him in court. They agree on a price—$15,000, and the guy agrees to do the deed. Yet after he does the murder, his employer refuses to pay him and tells him to get lost. He tries to blackmail them but they take him prisoner and beat the crap out of him, during which time he has weird hallucinations which involve a giant ant-like creature (Kari Wuhrer in a big Jabba the Hut type costume). He eventually ends up living with the wife of the guy he murdered and when she finds out she’s quite upset. This is a decent enough low-budget thriller. Directed by Stuart Gordon.

King of the Lost World (2005)

Let me first say that I wanted to see this because 1) I was curious and 2) I got this rental for free (though I still feel as if I didn’t get my money’s worth).Anyways, just in time to cash in on Peter Jackson’s King Kong comes King of the Lost World, the latest pathetic excursion from The Asylum (who really seem to hate both the sci-fi and horror genres). The movie starts off with stock footage of some big island as the credits roll by (the whole movie was shot in California & Arizona), then an obviously computer generated image as a commercial airliner crashes. It seems as if everyone survives in this section of the plane-and they embark to figure out where they are. The place is, at first, vaguely similar to the series Lost, with them searching for other survivors from the plane, and then Irwin Allen’s 1960’s production of The Lost World, where they confront a giant spider web and giant spider, not to mention the carnivorous plant. The giant ape, which goes unexplained, appears in the first few minutes-and at first I thought it was a guy in a cheap gorilla suit. It actually turns out this gorilla is all computer generated, which surprised me. So in that regard the ape effects succeed, if only to look like a cheap makeup effect. The survivors also come across all these old crashed planes, which gives an excuse for the filmmakers to use an aircraft graveyard for the majority of these scenes, complete with fake plastic plants hanging in the doorways. Also, the other monsters on the island are these dragon-looking flying creatures, which prey on the island inhabitants. There is a fight between these things and the ape, though it happens too quick for interest. Oh, and Bruce Boxleitner and Steve Railsback appear for five minutes (I guess they were the budget). All in all, The Mighty Gorga and the Korean shot Ape! are much much much much more entertaining. I would recommend Kong: King of Atlantis over this heap.Those producers responsible are David Michael Latt, David Rimawi and Sherri Strain. Shame on you for not giving a f*ck about your audience.

King, The (2006)

A young man named Elvis leaves from his three years in the Navy to find his biogical father, who turns out to be a preacher (William Hurt looking very much the redneck) in a small town. After he follows him back to his house from church one Sunday he tells him who he is. Of course, Hurt doesn’t want to deal with this unexpected news and promptly tells him he now has a family and doesn’t need another son. Elvis, however, doesn’t give up quite so easily. He befriends Hurt’s daughter (his half-sister) and has a secret relationship, which culminates in her pregnancy (she doesn’t know he’s her half-brother). He also kills the girl’s brother, who caught him entering the house one night. Then, he moves into their house, effectively taking the place of the slain brother.

As the movie progresses, it becomes more horrific, and what you at first think is a Lifetime-type drama veers into David Lynch and serial killer territory. The King is one of the more disturbing “real-life” horror movies I’ve seen in 2006.

Kingdom Hospital (2004)

The original The Kingdom (both mini-series) was quirky, original and creepy. Kingdom Hospital is just quirky, but in a bad, bad way. The commercials for the series advertised that the script reflects what happened to King in real life, namely when he was nearly killed by a being hit by a van. So this introduction to the series revolves around a famous artist who is almost killed by a hit-and-run driver. He’s eventually discovered and taken to the hospital, where he miraculously heals his broken spine and eventually awakens from his coma. A really bad idea was him imagining talking to this huge anteater, which I suppose is to be creepy. It’s just stupid-anteaters are not threatening whatsoever. All the doctors are portrayed as idiots (I guess King had a bad experience at the hospital) and the ghosts we see wandering the hospital floors aren’t so impressive.Stephen King is a great writer of novels but an abysmal script writer, which is proved by his adaptation of the Lars Von Trier mini-series The Kingdom. I was going to sit down and watch the entire fourteen hours and couldn’t get past the first three without gagging. Kingdom Hospital sucks as much as anything can suck.

Kiss of the Tarantula (1972)

A lonely blonde girl named Susan, who has a father for a funeral director/embalmer, keeps spiders for pets, much to the dismay of her uptight, cheating mother. Every time her mother finds her with an arachnid she steps on it. When the girl notices her mother on the phone and overhears that she’s planning to leave with a guy she’s having an affair with, she takes action. When her mother is sleeping she places a tarantula on her. She wakes up to see it crawling on her chest and has a heart attack. Then we skip a number of years, to when she’s a young woman (Suzanne Ling) and has a whole collection of the giant spiders as pets. Her favorite is one she’s named Jennifer.

One day her father goes out of town and she stays home and invites a boy over. Unfortunately a group of drunk teenagers pick this night to break into the funeral home. They start messing with her and even kill her favorite spider. However, she soon gets her revenge. The next night she follows their car to the neighborhood make out point and while they are busy making out opens the car door and releases several tarantulas. They are drunk and freak out once they see them and in the commotion three of the four teenagers are killed in the panic. The only one left alive is a girl, who remains catatonic. Susan feels guilty about her. But Susan isn’t quite done. One of her father’s friends has a sexual interest in her and so she aims to take care of him as well.

This is an interesting character study and for some reason reminded me of The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane. Maybe because they are both sociopathic blondes.

Kitty Killers (1998)

Todd Reynold’s second direct-to video feature is a major disappointment when compared to his previous endeavor, Living A Zombie Dream. There’s plenty of cartoonish action, some impressive gun play (we know what that means) and more than enough blood to satisfy the most jaded gore-hound BUT the characters are so disgusting and downright vile that it makes viewing all this an extremely unpleasant experience.

Knife Edge (2010)

Emma quits her high paying job on Wall Street to move back to England with her son, Thomas, and her new husband, Henri. He surprises her by showing her a huge old house which he had purchased several years before. He tells her it’s their new home.

But soon Emma starts having violent visions and she believes that something awful had occurred there in the past. She keeps on asking Henri why he purchased the house and he can only give her vague answers. As her nightmares and frights continue Henri’s actions become more suspect since he keeps on telling her he’s going to France for business trips but is really not even leaving the country. In fact, his company is floundering and he’s desperate to borrow money. He knows that Emma has a trust worth millions of dollars and with her questionable state of mind it looks like he may soon have access to it....

This is a very different sort of movie for director Anthony Hickox, whose movies, from the Waxworks films to Hellraiser 3 and Full Eclipse, were more in your face type of monster flicks. Knife Edge is definitely a throwback to moody 70’s horror and at times I really felt as if I was watching a Fulci film. It has that weird vibe to it. However, I really thought the lead actress rather homely so it was a bit of a chore to watch her in most every scene.

Knights of Bloodsteel (2009)

This tale takes place in a mythical kingdom where humans are treated as second-class citizens. A villain named Dragoneye wants to find The Crucible, which is the source of this metal called Bloodsteel. With it he can save the life of his human looking son, who is in a coma. An oracle who is soon killed talks about four knights who will save the kingdom.

This was just okay. I think that no matter how ambitious a sword & sorcery movie is, it can only pale in comparison to The Lord of the Rings movies. Actor David James Elliott (J.A.G) looks as if he’d rather be any other place than this movie. Natassia Malthe (Skinwalkers, Vampire Wars) is an elf warrior. The makeup effects are good, though similar to too many other movies. And why does there always have to be elves, goblins and trolls now?

Knowing (2009)

After 50 years a “time-capsule” made by an elementary classroom is opened and the kids’ drawings are passed to the present day students. However, one of the students, Caleb, gets a piece of paper that has these seeming random numbers on it. He brings it home and his father, John Koestler, realizes that they are dates to major disasters that have happened during the past half century. There is the time, the date and even the GPS coordinates. He doesn’t believe this at first, but when one of the “future” predictions comes true (an airplane crash), he tries to prevent the next one from happening in New York City. All the while he’s trying to figure out what it all means, while still coping with the death of his wife from a year before. Meanwhile, his kid Caleb is visited by these weird, white haired guys who he refers to as “whisperers”, who tell him things. Of course, this is all tied in with the predictions on that piece of paper, the last of which tells of the exact date of the end of the world.

I was surprised at how riveting and unpredictable this disaster movie is. Those disasters will have you cringing, particularly that airplane crash with all the people on fire screaming. However, I could have done without the character coming to the conclusion that “everyone is going to live together happily in heaven” bit, which was lame and really didn’t have anything to do with what was going on. If I were to compare this to other movies, I’d say it’s a cross between director Proyas’ Dark City and all those Final Destination movies. And this movie makes up for Nicholas Cages last few films—-he’s good in this. You should definitely get to know this movie.

Komodo (1999)

Komodo Dragon eggs get dropped on a tropical island. Skip nineteen years. A kid and his parents go to vacation on the island at the WRONG time-the kid barely manages to escape but the big lizards eat his parents and his little dog, too. He becomes nearly comatose. Skip some more years, after which time a therapist wants to take him back to the island to confront his fear, again at the WRONG time. Those lizards are still darn hungry. It seems that the oil drilling company on the island has killed off all the wildlife and the lizards are starving-BUT WHAT HAVE THEY BEEN EATING FOR THE PAST NINETEEN YEARS TO GET SO HUGE!?!?!?! The two oil guys on the island don’t seem to know this answer, much less how to convincingly say their wooden lines. Although the computer effects are decent if not gazed on too long and the animatronics are near convincing this has to be one of the stupidest animal attack movies in decades. Want to watch giant animals kill people? Watch Night of the Lepus!

Komodo vs. Cobra (2006)

A group of animal rights activists hire a guy (Michael Pare of 100 Feet) to take them out to a secluded island in the South Pacific, an island rumored to harbor Army experiments. They get there and soon find out that those experiments were on a cobra and a komodo dragon, which have grown to enormous proportions. There’s lots of running around and people are either eaten in one gulp or stepped on like a bug. The most disappointing thing is that the komodo and the cobra really never fight, as their island is blown to bits as they start into the battle. Boa vs. Python is better.

Kong: King of Atlantis (2005)

I’m befuddled by this one. The animated movie starts off with King Kong in New York City, climbing the Empire State Building as an eclipse happens, and soon the ocean starts churning and weird spires come out of the water. Then, an island woman shaman wakes up from the nightmare. Is this a prophetic dream of the end of the world? We’re quickly introduced to Jason and a friend, who are on this prehistoric island. In a brief sentence it’s explained that this Kong was brought to life through Jason’s grandmother’s experiment with DNA-and somehow Jason’s DNA got mixed up with the giant gorilla. Through a cyber-connection the two can physically merge together. When this happens KONG looks the same but has these glowing blue eyes-and is a bit smarter.Atlantis rises around the island, referred to as Kong Island, and out come these animal headed humanoids, who are the rebels. They try to get Kong on their side but accidently end up shooting arrows at him. Confused, Kong goes and joins the other side-which are the reptilian rulers of Atlantis. The queen has the creative name of Reptila-and for some reason she wants Kong crowned as King, because the original Kong was King of Atlantis thousands of years ago. Oh, and there are three or four unbearable musical numbers where the characters dance around singing. The worst is when Kong is dressed in huge clothes by these lightning bug type creatures. The old cartoon of Kong from the 60’s is far more faithful to the original story than this mess is. Unbelievable!

Kong: Return to the Jungle (2009)

A big game hunter, whose grandfather was the one who captured the original King Kong, wants to go to Kong Island and catch the new ape. This new giant gorilla has a genetic link to a human boy by the name of Jason. His grandmother cloned Kong and gave him her grandson’s DNA, to give him a better chance of survival. Since the grandmother does her studies on Kong island this is where she raised the two together, so Kong is more like a brother to him than anything else. Via a “cyber-link” and magical energy from the island, the two can also merge into one creature when they need to.

The hunter finds his way to Kong Island and starts capturing the prehistoric animals for his zoo back in the city, from Raptors to Mammoths. Kong is brought to the city and escapes. Of course, he ends up fighting a T-Rex in the streets. The word that comes to mind for this is “abysmal”. The computer animation is “block-like” and makes Reboot seem like a Pixar movie. This animated movie is an insult to both King Kong and any viewer with an IQ higher than 10.

Korgoth of Barbaria (2006)

This pilot is one of the most entertaining cartoons I have ever seen. It’s far into the future and mankind has fallen into barbarianism and huge monsters have appeared. Korgoth is a Conan-like character who is coerced by “the king of thieves” to steal a statue of “the Golden Gnome” from a diabolical wizard named Specules (pronounced like Hercules). Korgoth agrees to do this errand because he’s been poisoned in the food he ate and he’ll only get the antidote when he retrieves the statue. On the long Trek there he’s accompanies by some henchmen, who are basically fodder for the mutants they encounter. One of these creatures is a carnivorous tree. And many others are killed when they try to ride giant pigeons to get to the wizard’s floating castle. Although it appears that the wizard has been gone a long while, due to the pile of mail he has at his doorstep, he soon appears and starts killing more henchmen. To battle Korgoth he creates a hideous bubblegum monster, which the barbarian destroys in the most appropriate way— by blowing it up. It’s really too bad that the Cartoon Network passed on making this a regular series. Highly recommended.

Kovak Box, The (2007)

David Norton (Timothy Hutton of The Darkside) is a famous science-fiction author who is invited to an island retreat. He goes there with his fiance, Jane, and proposes marriage to her, though she commits that night by leaping from their motel window. But she’s not the only one having suicidal urges. There’s a rash of them, inclucing Silvia, who also jumps from a building but survives after landing on a canvas awning. Norton and Silvia team up to figure out what is going on—- and it has something to do with the very first novel Norton had written, Gloomy Sunday. In that, the society is able to control people with a computer chip and even make them kill themselves. Now, it’s happening for real. Dying scientist Frank Kovak (David Kelly) is the one who has put everything in motion and wants Norton to write his biography as it’s Norton’s first book that inspired his creation, the ‘Kovak Box’ to begin with.

This is an intriguing movie, reminding me of an early Cronenberg film. However, the actress who portrays Silvia (Lucia Jiminez) is simply mediocre in the part, not at all on the same level as Hutton and the other actors, which probably makes her performance seem even worse. Still, The Kovak Box is worth checking out.

Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep (2006)

Niki (Victoria Pratt) is an oceanographer in search of a mythical treasure off the coast of British Columbia. She’s assisted by two college interns. In a sunken ship she finds a bronze Greek mask but before she can find the giant opal a giant squid appears, which kills their boat’s captain and chases them away. This is the same creature that killed the parents of Ray (Jerry O’Connell) twenty-years before. He offers to help Niki and her crew recover the treasure in hopes that he can get his revenge on the monster. To complicate matters there’s a mafia type guy (Jack Scalia) who also wants the fortune and will do anything to get it.

Of course, everything turns out exactly how you think it would, with the good guy killing the Kraken and getting the girl, and the bad guy getting what he deserves. Add this to the list of non-memorable giant killer animal movies. Directed by Tibor Takacs (The Gate).

Krod Mandoon And the Flaming Sword of Fire (2009)

It took me about 3 episodes to start warming up to this barbarian comedy, which took a bit too long considering there are only six half hour episodes in all. The premise is that this takes place in some mythical kingdom, though they pretty much talk and behave like modern humans, which is kind of funny. Krod is the not-so-bright would-be hero and he’s accompanied by a band of freedom fighters. They include Aneka, an Amazon-like warrior, Zeselryck—a guy who tries to convince everyone he’s a wizard, Bruce, the gay guy, and Loquasto, who is this pig-like humanoid who has a bad habit of injuring Krod.

The group’s nemesis is Chancellor Dongalor, this piggish villain who is always sentencing people to death. This character steals the show. The special effects are minimal, though in one episode they dispatch a group of succubi and in another have to escape from the Biclops (bisexual Cyclops). And yes, Krod’s sword lights afire every so often.

“L” Titles

La Blue Girl (1992)

This is a weird one. During the title sequence it’s explained that two different clans are at war with one another. One of the clans made a deal with the sex fiends to make them stronger. And the battle continues to the present day. We cut to a girl college and two of the sisters, who seem ordinary, are really part of the ‘good’ clan. It’s their job to kill the sex fiend monsters. But the sex fiends can only reproduce by having sex with this other clan. There are lots of scenes with dripping, mucus covered tentacles wrapped around young women. There’s even a lesbian scene in the middle of the movie. And the movie contains the most bare breasts I’ve ever seen in a Japanese movie.

Lady Death: The Motion Picture (2004)

Brian Pulido’s Lady Death is a decent enough comic-book character, though I’ve always preferred his Evil Ernie comics. Anyways, this animated feature doesn’t come anywhere near the artwork level of the comic. In fact, the sub-par animation was so distracting I had a difficult time making it through the movie. Pokemon is like a Disney movie compared to this.

Lady in the Water (2006)

M. Knight Shyamalan’s film, which tackles the “fantasy” genre, succeeds in delivering the goods, the goods being a well-written script and in-depth, sympathetic characters. A sad-sack apartment supervisor (Paul Giamatto of American Splendor and Burton’s Planet of the Apes) discovers that someone is swimming in the pool after hours-and sees that it’s a young woman. He goes in the pool when she doesn’t come up for air and nearly drowns himself. He wakes up in his apartment-and she’s there, watching him. She tells him her name is story and that she comes from The Blue World. Of course, he doesn’t believe anything is out of the ordinary at first, but the more he talks with her -and the more he sees, such as the wolf-like creature that’s after her-and the secret room underneath the swimming pool-he believes. In fact, he suspects that he’s instrumental in helping her with her mission. Soon, the whole apartment complex becomes involved with her, in one way or another. How things turn out, exactly, and who plays which role in this myth-come-to-life, keeps you guessing until the very end. If you were disappointed by his last movie, The Village (I loved it), you’ll enjoy this, as it’s more along the lines of Signs and Unbreakable.

Laid to Rest (2009)

This is a great “80’s slasher movie” and introduces a memorable killer by the name of Chrome Skull. I loved director Robert Hall’s Lightning Bug, though that was a drama about a kid who wanted to be a makeup effects guy. If you’re looking for the same tone, you’ll be disappointed, but if you’re looking for plenty of slaughter and gore, then Laid to Rest will definitely please. The movie begins with a young woman waking up in a coffin, with no memory whatsoever of who she is or how she got there. And, of course, this Chrome faced killer is fixated on her for some reason. She manages to get away from him and is picked up by a good samaritan, who takes her home. The guy’s wife (Lena Headey) doesn’t trust her at first, but soon comes to realize that she’s indeed in need of help. But the mysterious Chrome Skull shows up and starts the killing, which never relents until the end of the movie. And many of these slayings are truly brutal. I liked it that this movie ends the killer in such a way as to make it impossible for him to return, unless he comes back as the headless horseman. There’s also an entertaining cameo by Johnathan Schaech and Thomas Dekker (Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles) shows up at the end of the movie.

Lake Dead (2007)

Lake Dead is along the lines of The Hills Have Eyes, concerning a group of inbreds that are based around a lake in the West. Three sisters are noticed that their grandfather, who they didn’t know was still alive, had died, so they go to the funeral. Then, they and a group of friends in an RV head over to the nearby hotel to find out about their inheritance. But part of that inheritance is continuing the family blood line and the crazy old grandmother and her sons are going to make sure of that. I particularly found the relationship between the old woman and the sheriff, one of her sons, disturbing. There’s not really anything new about all of this but the movie moves fast, there are some decent killings of the usual annoying characters and it’s surprisingly entertaining.

Lake Mungo (2010)

A fifteen-year-old girl, Alice Palmer, mysteriously disappears while swimming with her family near a dam and the police eventually find her body deep in the water. The father is the first to see her ghost, in her bedroom. Then, she begins to appear in her brother’s photographs and videotape. But are they really seeing her ghost and are they being haunted? There’s a big red herring and then the movie goes into an entirely different direction in the last half hour. Yes, there’s one sequence that’s particularly creepy and effective but it’s like five minutes out of an hour and a half.

This is yet another horror film done like a fake documentary. I think enough have been done so this movie didn’t have much of an impact and irritated me by its unoriginality. In fact, I was wishing I was watching an entirely different movie that also had the drowning of a Palmer girl. Lake Mungo is definitely not Twin Peaks. It’s not even a very good horror movie.

Lake Placid 2 (2007)

This should be re-named Lake Flacid, as it’s an extremely loose and weak sequel, copying the story from the first but with far less production value. John Schneider, who was so good with his stint on Smallville, hams it up as the local sheriff and Cloris Leachman takes the place of Betty White as the crazy old lady who feeds the crocodiles. Any other giant crocodile/alligator movie is superior to this puddle.

Lake Placid 3 (2010)

Biologist Nathan Bickerman (Colin Ferguson), his wife and young son move into the house of his late Aunt, who had been feeding those crocodiles in the previous movie. Of course, the son quickly “befriends” the new catch of young crocodiles and starts feeding them. Then, the movie skips ahead to three years and by this time the reptiles have gotten far bigger than is plausible. There’s also Michael Ironside as the local sheriff, who gets eaten when his car is pulled into the lake, and Yancy Butler (Mann & Machine) who is horribly, horribly miscast as the crazed hunter intent on a new trophy.

I’m normally one for liking “Rampaging animal” movies but after the second PLACID movie I was very reluctant to watch this. I don’t know which I disliked more— the poor casting choices (Colin Ferguson, who is so great on the tv show Eureka, blows here) or the cartoony and repetitive CGI effects of the crocodiles. While I did enjoy the very first theatrical movie it should never have spawned a franchise. Part 3 is a croc.

Lake Placid 4: The Final Chapter

First, I don’t believe this is the final chapter. Second, this is better than Parts 2 and 3. This time it’s a female sheriff and an engineer who is building a big cable fence around the lake to keep the crocodiles from feeding on the locals. There are two lakes and they are to be kept in one of them because they are actually a very rare species. They grow faster than regular alligators and can deal with the cold temperatures. There’s even a scene with dozens of baby alligators feeding on a swimmer like a school of piranhas. Also, the special effects are much better than the two previous sequels. Actor Sewell Whitney (Addicted to Murder) portrays the coach of a girls team who is devoured by one of the creatures in a b-movie way. While I can’t entirely recommend this movie it is one of the better killer animal flicks I’ve seen this year...

Lancelot: Guardian of Time (1999)

Mark Singer, perhaps longing for his Beastmaster role, portrays Lancelot, who, through the spell of an evil wizard portrayed by John Saxon, is catapulted through time to the 20th Century. Here, he has to prevent the kidnapped youth Arthur, before he pulls the sword from the Stone in the 20th Century, berefting ancient England of its fabled King and legend. Whew. On hand is Claudia Christian, a feminist who longs for the days when men were chivalrous to women, and her brother, a nerd who fantasizes about medieval times. They help him defeat the wizard and his evil minions and Claudia ends up going back in time to live with her love Lancelot. But whatever happened to Guinevere? A movie based on a legend that obviously knows very little about its source material.

Land of Lost Monsters (2004)

This Animal Planet original was about an hour too long. It starts off with explaining how early man had to deal with predators-and how after the last ice age how modern man migrated out of Africa to other parts of the world to encounter dangerous creatures he had never seen before. There’s this giant twenty-foot long lizard that terrorized the aborigines in Australia 40,000 years ago, the largest reptile man had ever co-existed with. Then there’s the short-faced bear, the sabre-toothed tiger and a giant eagle from New Zealand. The re-creations and computer animation are well executed but the first half of the movie seems a rerun if you’ve seen the other prehistoric shows that have aired on AP or Discovery Channel.

Land of the Dead (2005)

Set about three years after the dead started coming to life, Romero’s fourth Dead movie focuses on the city of Fiddler’s Green, where the rich live in glass towers and the common folk just exist. They are safe from being eaten by zombies but that’s about it. And those zombies, who are now showing signs of organized intelligence, see that shining tower in the distance and want it for themselves. The movie starts with a group of mercenaries (working for the city) who are raiding a local town for food and medical supplies. Riley (Simon Baker), the leader, observes a zombie gas station attendant who seems to be acting way too smart for a zombie-and quickly believes that they are becoming smarter. No one else believes him. But this doesn’t really matter to him because he’s had enough of this lifestyle and is retiring. He bought a car and plans to leave the city for the seclusion of living ‘Up North’. The second-in-command of the mercenaries, Cholo (John Leguizamo of Spawn, Night Owl), wants to live like the rich people and believes he can if he has enough money to pay for an apartment. In fact, he’s been doing some dirty work for the boss (Dennis Hopper) in order to get the monetary bonuses. When he confronts Hopper, however, he’s dismissed as just another stupid goon. Understandably upset, he steals the huge tank-like vehicle used to hunt the zombies and then plans on blowing up the city unless a ransom of twenty-million dollars is paid. The boss ‘won’t deal with terrorists’, so he sends in Riley and a few others to track him down before he can fire the explosives. Other characters introduced are Asia Argento as Slack, a prostitute turned soldier, Charlie (Robert Joy), Riley’s side-kick who looks like one of the zombies, and, of course, the leader of the zombies, this ferocious looking African American gas attendant. As with the prior three movies there is plenty of relevant social commentary, which is all fairly obvious, good script and memorable characters, and plenty of entrails pulled from torsos and heads from shoulders. In fact, I was surprised that Romero was able to get away with so much of the zombie gore without this being unrated or NC-17. Land of the Dead is not particularly creepy, because the audience is supposed to empathize with the zombies, yet it is a good continuation of the story begun nearly forty years ago.

Land of the Lost (2009)

Based on the Sid & Marty Kroft show from the early 70’s, this movie is about scientist Rick Marshall, his colleague Holly and Will, owner of a run-down roadside attraction, who are transported to a place where “past, present and future meet”, The Land of the Lost. As a Will Ferrell comedy this isn’t as funny as let’s say Step Brothers or Blades of Glory. As a Land of the Lost  movie it’s just “OK”. Granted, it’s cool to see the Grumpy, the T-Rex, and all the Sleestaks with state of the art effects—but it only made me want to re-watch the original series.

There are some stereotypical scenes, such as having to climb up to a Pteranodon’s nest and deal with the hatching babies. The story also does to Enik the Altrusian what the first Scooby Doo movie did with Scrappy Doo, which is no big surprise. If you’re a fan of the original series you’ll like this but don’t expect anything great.

Land of the Lost (1994)

This is the newer Land of the Lost series produced by Sid & Marty Kroft. It takes some of the elements from the 70’s series and transplants a different family there, the Porters, which consists of a father (Timothy Bottoms) and his son Kevin and daughter, Annie. There is no Marshall, Will and Holly and these characters are very different. The show’s intro explains how they came to this lost land/universe, when the ground opened up and swallowed their SUV, which appears driving out through the side of a cliff in this Lost Land. They build a tree house, which protects them from the Tyrannosaurus they’ve named Scarface.

In Tasha, Kevin and Annie find a large dinosaur egg, which they take back home. It hatches and out comes a small hadrosaur they name Tasha, who becomes a pet/companion. In the first series, the pet brontosaurus “Dopey” was stop-motion-animated. Tasha is a small person in a suit—and she looks like one of the dinosaurs from the TV series Dinosaurs. In the second episode, Someone’s Out There, the Porter family is introduced to the ape-man (the same kind of caveman Chaka was in the original) Stink and his friend Christa, a young human woman who has been trapped in The Land of the Lost since she was a child. Marshall Porter gets bitten by a poison lizard and it’s up to Christa and Kevin to find the cure.

Shung the Terrible introduces this new series’ version of the Sleestak...and they are disappointing. Rather than the creepy lizard/insect creatures that gave us nightmares as children, these are dressed like warriors, have big reptile heads and talk. In fact, Shung, the leader of them, lives in some ancient ruins and only has two others with him, who look for food. They capture Stink for a meal and the porters have to save him before he becomes dinner. I think this is the worst episode of the series, as it’s such a let-down with the Sleestak. Where is Enoch when you need him?

In Flight to Freedom a new time door opens up in the lost land and the Porters load up their SUV and try to make a run for it. But Stink and Tasha end up following and get cornered by the T-Rex Scarface. So the family of humans have to choose between their return home (if that’s where the gate goes) and saving the lives of their friends. Of course, they choose their friends and remain The Land of the Lost.

In Heat Wave there’s a drought in the land and they’re in competition with the lizard Sleestak for water. But there are only several of them and don’t pose much of a threat after they set Scarface after them. Then, when the three moons line up it starts making all the animals, including the ape-man Stink, start going crazy. Soon, they start migrating towards the edge of a cliff, where an ocean probably used to be. The alignment of the moon triggers this behavior in them. The Porters have to figure out how to save their hairy friend and also manage to save a lot of the dinosaurs, including Scarface.

In Kevin vs. The Volcano,  the volcano in the Land of the Lost erupts and the Porter family has to try to divert the lava flow so it doesn’t destroy their tree home. Teenager Kevin, though, is too concerned with videotaping everything with his camcorder (which probably should have run out of battery power long ago!).

In Day for Knight another time portal opens and out comes a 12th Century Knight who claims to be from the time of King Arthur. The Tyrannosaurus Scarface shows up and the knight thinks it’s a dragon to battle. But he admits he really isn’t a Knight after all. He ends up going back through the portal to his own time and the Porters remain in the Land of the Lost.

In The Thief Kevin thinks that Stink, the Pakune, keeps on trashing the tree house and stealing stuff, as it looks like he’s the culprit. But he soon discovers otherwise—and Stink ends up saving his life. Kevin has a crush on the cavewoman Christa and makes her a necklace of jewels he found, but ends up giving it as a gift to Stink for saving him.

In Power Play the father, Tom Porter, is looking for a new source of power, like the crystals the Sleestak have, and ends up getting trapped in a cavern with Shung, leader of the lizard men. He has to figure out how to get out alive. As with the other episodes featuring these new Sleestak the costume is so goofy/rubbery looking that it doesn’t work. Unlike the original Land of the Lost series (1974) these Steestak are the weak point of the show.

There are aspects of this series I like, such as the combination of stop-motion and puppet effects for the dinosaurs, the “look” of the Land of the Lost, which is much more drier than the tropical one from the 70’s (I suspect from being shot outside in California) and how these are all different characters.

Land of the Minotaur (1978)

Donald Pleasance is a priest trying to stop a Pagan cult, led by Peter Cushing, which worships the fire breathing statue of the minotaur. Plenty of twenty-something hippies start disappearing and it looks like the cult is responsible for the disappearances. For some reason this film reminded me of the movie Lair of the White Worm, primarily with the mood it conveys. And Cushing is always a great villain. I only wish that the minotaur was a live creature not a bulky looking sculpture. Not very frightening!

Land That Time Forgot, The (1975)

During World War One a German U-boat sinks a British ship. The survivors are Bowen Tyler (Doug McClure) and Lisa Clayton, along with a group of the crew of the sunk ship. When the German submarine surfaces in the fog they manage to jump the crew and take it over. However, they soon get lost and end up near the lost continent of Caprona. They are running out of food and fuel so they make their way into the huge island through an underground river—and resurface in a lost world complete with dinosaurs and cavemen. A few of the crew are killed off by dinosaurs and they befriend a curious caveman. But Caprona isn’t just a lost world— it has a very strange biology. Everything continually, physically evolves on the island so at one point that friendly caveman ditches them to join a more evolved tribe. The land itself is a huge volcanic crater—and the volcano starts to become active. The Germans take over the submarine and try to make an escape but they are boiled alive as the water overheats. This leaves Bowen and Lisa to survive on the island, going forever northward because they don’t fit in with any of the other people there.

I’ve always liked this movie. Granted, I was ten-years old when I first saw it, but the dinosaur effects mostly hold up, particularly the plesiosaurs and pterodactyls and the actors are well cast. Based on the novel by Edgar Rice Burroughs.

Land That Time Forgot, The (2009)

As soon as I saw this at my local video store I picked it up—and then put it back down when I saw it was produced by those hacks at The Asylum. But against my better judgement I ended up renting this “modern adaptation of the Edgar Rice Burrough’s classic story”.

The movie takes place in modern day, with friends aboard a yacht. They get caught in a storm in the Bermuda Triangle (!!!) and then go through a portal in time and end up on the island. It’s more of a desert island than a tropical island. There they encounter a T-Rex (why is the dinosaur always a T-Rex?), see some other creatures, and then encounter some survivors, which include some Germans. Oh, and one of them is amazed when he sees a huge dragonfly.

First, the only relation this has to that story is that there are some dinosaurs and some Germans (from WWII, not WWI), as well as that they have to refine their own oil in order to escape from the island. If it wasn’t for these things—or that the dvd case says “The Land that Time Forgot” I would have never made the connection to the novel. The actors don’t even have the characters’ names from the book!

There is the minimal of computer effects, which are decent enough, but pales in comparison with just about any other dinosaur theme movie I have seen. C. Thomas Howell, who portrays the main guy, looks very very weary. And he directs! Timothy Bottoms, as Captain Burroughs, looks bewildered and is probably having flashbacks to the 90’s Land of the Lost revival he starred in. Avoid this waste of time at all costs, even if you’re curious. Edgar Rice Burroughs is not only turning in his grave, he’s probably break dancing.

Land Unknown, The (1957)

A helicopter crash lands in the Antarctic and the four passengers, which include a woman reporter, find themselves three thousand feet below sea level in a tropical, dinosaur infested valley. They encounter carnivorous plants, giant monitor lizards, a weird-eyed T-Rex, a plesiosaurus— and a survivor from a previous expedition. This survivor kidnaps the woman and wants her to be his “Jane”, but the three other guys come to her rescue. The Robinson Crusoe wannabee wants the guys to leave, so tells them where they can find his crashed plane, for spare parts for their broken helicopter. Things don’t work out exactly how he wants, though. The acting and script is corny, indicative to 1950’s Sci-Fi movies but the special effects are decent, particularly those matte-paintings of the prehistoric valley.

Landlord, The (2009)

A Yuppie couple move into the top apartment of a three-floor brownstone. The guy goes crazy and kills his wife with a baseball bat. Then he offs himself with a hacksaw. The landlord, Tyler, comes to collect the rent and finds their bodies—which doesn’t really bother him as much as it should. He’s much more irritated that he has to clean up the mess. He’s also pissed because they hadn’t paid rent yet. We are also introduced to the two demons responsible for this—Rabisu, a green scaled guy, and Lamashtu, a feline creature. You see, Tyler is their slave and provides them with regular meals. Even Tyler’s sister, a cop, is in on it. Exactly why they do this is explained, via flashbacks, towards the end of the movie. The main conflict is that Tyler is concerned he’ll go to jail. In fact, a detective is just itching to catch him with some bodies, since six tenants have gone missing from his building. There’s also a new tenant, a young blonde woman, who Tyler likes. He doesn’t want the demons to eat her but how can he prevent them from munching on her?

What this independent movie has going for it is an interesting, unpredictable script with odd characters and some original monsters. It reminded me of a Troma movie with brains. While some of the makeup effects are lacking, the computer visual effects are good and the acting is top-notch. The Landlord is exactly what independent horror is about. Written and directed by Emil Hyde

Larva (2005)

Yet another giant animal/creature movie on the Sci-fi Channel, this one extremely tedious. You know that the mutant larva are going to grow in size, you know the bad guys are going to ultimately get eaten by their own creation and you know that it’s going to end with the monsters getting burned up in an explosion where they all happen to be gathered. Since you already know this then there’s no reason to see this movie.

Last Airbender, The (2010)

I’m only vaguely familiar with the original source material, the animated cartoon, so I didn’t know what to expect. Two siblings, who live in the Northern lands discover a bald kid that’s been frozen for a hundred years in the ice, along with his really weird monster mount which looks sort of like a combination of a buffalo and that salamander creature from The Neverending Story. They realize that he’s the Avatar, who can unite the different tribes of fire, earth, water and air. The movie is visually interesting and the effects are good, though it’s quite unnecessary for there to be a 3-D version since there’s nothing grabbing about it. This is more for kids than The Chronicles of Narnia. You never see anyone actually getting hurt. Frozen and immobilized, yes, but no physical injury. It’s also open-ended, so if it does well I’m sure there will be a sequel in a few years. Thematically, The Last Airbender fits in with M. Night Shyamalan’s previous movies, which is interesting. Yes, it is far better than The Happening, but I think The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable and Lady in the Water are far superior.

Last Broadcast, The (1998)

Although technically superior to The Blair Witch Project this feature also lacks any emotional connection to the characters that BWP provoked. Sure, the video looks good with crisp images and lots of editing effects that are a dead giveaway of someone going nuts on the Avid editor for the first time-but after ten minutes YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH. The story concerns two co-hosts of a supernatural Cable Access Show who, with a reputed psychic, go out into the New Jersey Pine Barrens in search of the ‘Jersey Devil’. All this information is told in the third person, primarily to interviewing their friends and associates. Only a small portion of the movie is ‘POV’ shots from the Pine Barrens, which is a shame, since this is the most interesting part of The Last Broadcast. When all is said and done this movie is just kind of ‘there’.

Last Dinosaur, The (1977)

Richard Boone (I Bury the Living) is Masten Thrust, the world’s richest man who is also a notorious big game hunter. When one of his exploratory oil digging machines uncovers a lost, prehistoric world in the Arctic, where a T-Rex is spotted, he is the first to head a return trip. With him are a female photographer (Joan Van Ark), a geologist, a Japanese scientist, and Masten’s African tracker, Bunta. They encounter a few prehistoric beasts and their camp is trashed by the T-Rex, who also eats one of them. Their means of transportation is also gone and they think that the dinosaur sunk it. They later find out that it carried it back to its den, a canyon littered with the bones of its kill. Not only do they have to deal with the T-Rex trying to eat them, they also have to contend with a tribe of Australopithecines who compete with them for food. One of them, though, a female, tags along with them and soon becomes one of their troupe.

The only survivors end up being the photographer, the geologist and Masten. When they find their machine and get it running to go back to the modern world Masten chooses to stay behind, to hunt the T-Rex, for he truly belongs in a more primitive world.

Sure, the dinosaur effects are along the lines of a Japanese Kaiju movie, with a guy in a T-Rex suit, but the premise and story are cool and it was one of my favorite movies when I was a kid.

Last Exorcism, The (2010)

I really dug the first half hour of this movie, which is convincing as a faux-documentary about an evangelical minister, Cotton Marcus (Patrick Fabian) who wants to prove that performing exorcisms is a scam. He had done hundreds of them and rigged a lot of the effects, which we see when they film him doing one final performance. However, this particular exorcism is different. It involves a sixteen-year-old girl and seems to be the real deal, much to their surprise. This all happens after he does the “exorcism” and leaves. Then, she shows up five miles away at his motel room, catatonic. They take her to the hospital and the blood tests show she is pregnant—and they think her alcoholic father has something to do with it. Cotton is forced to perform another exorcism under gunpoint—and things get out of hand. Unfortunately the second half of this movie is convoluted and the ending was laughable and seemed like part of a completely different flick. It ruined whatever it had going for it. Also, there’s a movie soundtrack throughout the entire film. While this does help the suspense it also negates the live documentary feel of the proceedings. If you’re expecting a movie like The Exorcist or The Exorcism of Emily Rose you’ll be disappointed. Even if you’re not expecting much you’ll be disappointed...

Last Gateway, The (2007)

The independent film The Last Gateway is undeniably one of the best horror movies I’ve seen in 2007. Sure, there are nods to The Evil Dead, From Beyond and all those H.P. Lovecraft references, but it takes real talent to make a movie genuinely scary and director Demian Rugna does just that. The premise is that there is one gateway to Hell left on Earth and both the good and the bad sides want to possess it. But it turns out that this gateway has appeared in the last place anyone would look. it’s inside the stomach of an unfortunate man, who must flee his pursuers and deal with whatever Hellish creatures come out of his stomach. And these creatures are nasty. The special effects are top-notch and not overdone, which lends to their effectiveness and the actors make the unlikely situation believable. My favorite scenes, though, involve this corpse witch which comes through the gate. She is hideous and creepy. This movie is highly recommended by this reviewer.

Last House in the Woods, The (2008)

This is an Italian movie that has the feel of an Eddie Romero Blood Island movie, which probably has to do with how it was shot. There’s lots of zooms and erratic camera movement in the violent scenes.

There’s three different stories going on. The first involves a couple and their young son who get in a car crash in the woods. The husband is immediately killed and the wife and son get out and start walking for help. When a car comes by the woman steps out, to hail it down, and it runs her over. The driver gets out and then smashes her head in with a rock. The kids flees, pursued by this mysterious man....

Then there’s the story of a young woman and a guy who desperately wants to be her boyfriend. They had just broken up and he convinces her to get into his car so they can talk. They drive out to that same woods and end up having sex in their car. Unfortunately a trio of hoodlums comes along. They beat the crap out of the guy and try to rape the girl. That is, until another car comes by with a good samaritan and chases them off when he pulls out his gun.

The good samaritan takes her and her boyfriend back to his secluded house in the woods, where she is introduced to his weird wife. Things get stranger and it turns out this is the same guy who brained the woman at the beginning of the movie. There is something terribly wrong with his malformed son—and he needs to acquire fresh food for

his progeny. This food is human flesh. There are also two inbred-looking thugs who live with them and these guys are disturbing. The Last House in the Woods is suitably unpleasant, with quirky performances and gratuitous gore.

Last House on the Left, The (2009)

This remake is about as unpleasant and unrelenting as the original and retains much of the feel of Wes Craven’s feature debut. It is brutal. A few more characters are added, including the son of one of the nasty killers. This makes the movie more of a comparison of the two different family dynamics going on.

The premise is that a vicious killer named Krug (Garret Dillahunt of Sarah Connor Chronicles) escapes being taken to prison. His brother and girlfriend ram the police car he’s being transported in and kill the two cops. They then take off. Then we go to the “All American” family who are taking a trip to their vacation home on the lake. The husband is a doctor, the wife a teacher and they have a seventeen-year old daughter.

But the lake visit may not be a good idea because they are all haunted by the unexpected death of their teenaged son. The daughter borrows the car in order to see a friend in the area. They meet a boy around their own age and he takes them back to his motel room to smoke some weed. We then learn that his father is Krug and that the girls are really at the wrong place at the wrong time. When a group of people come knocking on their door during a storm, saying that their car broke down, the professional couple is more than willing to help. Then they find out what these guys did to their daughter and proceed to get some revenge.

However, the final scene where they get their vengeance on Krug is goofy and out of left field. It just doesn’t work, no matter how gory the effects are. I much prefer that key scene from the original, which is the scene everyone ultimately remembers from that movie.

Last Legion, The (2007)

Sort of like a cross between the HBO series Rome and the Clive Owen movie King Arthur. In fact, it features Kevin McKidd, who was one of the regulars on Rome, as one of the film’s bad guys.

The premise is that in 500 A.D. the Goths have taken over Rome and a Roman Soldier (Colin Firth), who is protecting the ten-year-old Caesar flees to Britannia when he finds out everyone wants him and his de-throned king dead. THis all ties in with a special sword, forged from the iron of a meteor, that Caesar acquires. There’s also his old, mysterious teacher (Ben Kingsley), who turns out to indeed be Merlin. I liked this “Pre-quel” to the tale of King Arthur. The movie flies by and it’s interesting.

Last Man on Planet Earth, The (1999)

In the not-too-distant future, in a world run by women, a renegade scientist (Julie Bowen of  An American Werewolf in Paris, Three) creates a synthetic male in order to prove that men are not inherently dangerous. The male grows to maturity in the span of a month-at which point he takes the car and decides to drive into the nearby city since he’s never seen any other people. Well, sight of him freaks out the police and soon there’s an APB out on him. He goes back home but by then it’s too late. He and the woman scientist have to hide from the government, who want to use him as an example of how dangerous and violent men are. But the genes that are attributed to violence are not a part of him. At one point he even ends up at an abandoned football stadium where the last of the men live. They are all over fifty years-old and represent the 3% of males who weren’t killed by the virus released during WWIII. In the end he is killed by violent females, proving that violence isn’t genetic . Months later we skip to the scientist, who has escaped-and who finds out that she is pregnant with a boy. This was an interesting movie done in a plausible manner.

Last Man, The (2000)

The box cover for this video is very deceiving, with a picture of a blonde, post-Borg Jeri Ryan (Star Trek Voyager) dressed in a tight outfit and the lead guy hanging comically from a moon. In fact, the synopsis also says this is a hilarious comedy. In truth, this movie is a lot better than all this leads you to believe. David Arnott as Alan, an anthropologist who one day finds that he’s the only one left alive. Everyone is dead. In the first scene we see him break into a camera shop and take a video recorder, bodies sprawled all over the street. Soon he then starts keeping a video journal of his post-holocaust existence. Then one day, while doing something quite embarrassing, he encounters Sarah (a brunette Jeri Ryan), who believes she’s being punished by God for something. They both head back to Alan’s mobile home and have sex. Although he’s very much into her she’s not so receptive-and decides that they have to find other people, which he’s not too excited about. They do find another survivor, a back-packer who knows nothing about the end of the world. He’s much more Sarah’s type and the two immediately hit it off, which leaves Alan very much alone. He wants her back but how can he get her? He starts to spy, with cameras set up all around their camp-and soon devises a plan on how to get rid of him. But plans backfire and things go in an unexpected direction for Alan.

I enjoyed this end of the world movie because, although I’ve seen this same scenario before in several films, this seems the most realistic to me.

Last Mimzy, The (2007)

This is a kid-friendly time-travel movie that’s a little too hokey for my taste. The movie starts—and ends—in the far future, where a teacher explains to a group of children how mankind was able to reclaim their humanity through time-travel. Since people aren’t able to make the time-trip, the scientists created a sort of intelligent, artificial life-form in the shape of a stuffed toy rabbit named Mimzy. Along with this are sent other futuristic objects, which are found by a brother and sister in our present day. The devices vastly increase their intelligence. The movie was interesting but it’s a concept that’s much more fleshed out and intriguing on the similarly themed TV series The 4400.

Last of Sheila, The (1973)

A Hollywood Producer’s wife is killed by a hit and run driver after a party and he suspects one of his ‘friends’ as the culprit. One year later he invites them for a one week pleasure cruise to the islands, where they play a game involving personal, hidden secrets. As characters are murdered this movie keeps you guessing as to what is going on—and the ending is a clincher. I did not see that coming. It also has a great 70’s cast with James Coburn, Richard Benjamin and Raquel Welch. Highly recommended.

Last of the Living (2008)

This takes place in New Zealand, after the zombie outbreak kills 99% of mankind. In the opening title sequence a guy who looks like Ben Affleck, Morgan, walks through a deserted city. He goes back to where he lives with two other guys. One of them is reading on the couch. He proceeds to leave a phone message for a girl he had met, though she’s probably long dead. Then, they decide to make a run to the nearby grocery store since they are out of canned food. They meet a few unimpressive zombies along the way. After this it’s into a DVD store where they get an aerobics workout program. Between watching television and killing a construction worker zombie with a power saw, I guess the electricity still works. There are some funny bits, such as when they encounter a woman and her father. He has a cut and Morgan is ready to take him out, thinking that he was bitten by a zombie, but he wasn’t bitten. While they are discussing this a zombie crawls in and bites him in the arm. So the woman joins the group. She a scientist and is on to a cure to the zombie plague. But she’s not too concerned with contamination because in a scene where she’s taking blood from a corpse she has it all over her face.

This movie has some of the lamest zombies I’ve ever seen in a horror film, basically people with some pale makeup and blood on their mouths. There is one that has prosthetics but it’s lame and looks like a pig face. The CGI effects are great, such as all the head injuries. The one thing Last of the Living has going for it is that it is funny and unpredictable.

Last Sect, THe (2007)

David Carradine portrays the grandson of Van Helsing, who is after a sect of vampire women that is using the internet to lure victims. On board helping him is a Pee-Wee Herman like assistant and a vampire killer named Karpov ( (Julian Richings).

Sydney St. James (Natalie Brown) is a reporter doing an article on an on-line dating service called Artemis, which is actually the front for the vampire sect. She’s seduced by the owner, Anna (Deborah Odell), this gorgeous blonde, and there’s some PG-ish lesbian scenes. The vampires need to go regenerate for a number of years and need a human to watch over them while they sleep - and this person is Sydney.

As vampire movies go The Last Sect is good and it’s cool to see Carradine in a vampire movie, as his father portrayed Dracula in House of Dracula and House of Frankenstein back in the 1940’s.

Last Sentinel, The (2007)

It’s a post-apocalyptic world in which the cyborgs have revolted and destroyed most of humanity. There are soldiers, though, who were created to defeat them, soldiers who are part cyborg as well. One of these sentinels (Don ‘the Dragon’ Wilson) rescues a young woman (Katee Sackoff), who is almost gunned down. There is no chemistry at all between these actors so their scenes don’t work. The soldier also has this irritating A/I computer/weapon which sounds like an Onstar Operator. This movie is like an Albert Pyun movie gone really bad and Sackoff is vastly underutilized here. I suspect the producers wanted her in the movie because of the cylon-like cyborgs. Also, Don Wilson is getting a bit up there in years, not to mention his bad acting cannot carry the movie whatsoever. The Last Sentinel should be the last movie you ever see.

Last Sign, The (2005)

Andie McDowell (Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan) portrays a woman who is haunted by the ghost of her abusive, alcoholic husband (Tim Roth). When she starts to see him this worries her, as she thinks that he’s out to get her. In flashbacks we see how he terrified her, but are also shown some of the good, normal times they had together. It seems that her troubles increase when she rents out the cottage behind her house to a single man, a man who is clearly interested in her. Is her husband trying to prevent her from being happy? Does he want her dead? And why does he keep on sending her a message that she doesn’t understand. Andie McDowell, who isn’t one of the best actresses in the world, gives one of the better performances of her career and Margot Kidder is entertaining as the crazy co-worker who encourages her to believe in spirits.

The Last Sign is a good, solid ghost story with an unexpected ending.

Last Supper, The (1995)

A group of idealistic, liberal graduate students kill a right-wing crazy redneck Zackary Cody (Bill Paxton) in their house after he threatens to kill one and rape another. But rather than call the police they decide to bury the body in their backyard garden. Then, they get the idea to begin killing others, everyone from gay-bashers to right-to-life activists. They do this by inviting them to dinner and then poisoning them with arsenic laced wine. Their dead body garden—and the tomatoes—begin to grow. The local town Sheriff (Nora Dunn) is trying to track down Cody because she believes he’s responsible for kidnapping and killing a young girl. Her blood was found in his abandoned pick-up truck. When the sheriff gets too close to uncovering the truth, one of the friends kills her and buries her in the garden. Everything comes to a head when two of them run into politician Norman Arbuthnot (Ron Perlman) and they invite him back home for dinner.

This dark comedy is a very entertaining movie, though it mostly takes place in one room. The graduate students are portrayed by Cameron Diaz, Ron Eldard (Super 8) and Annabeth Gish (X-Files), among others, and there are cameos by Charles Durning, Mark Harmon and Jason Alexander. Recommended.

Last Templar, The (2009)

At the opening of a Medieval Exhibit in New York City, which is displaying relics from the time of Constantine, a group of four horsemen, dressed like ancient Templars, crash the party and steal the relics. Tess Chaykin (Mira Sorvino) is an archeologist whose father had discovered most of those artifacts. She has lots of gumption, so she steals a police horse and pursues the Templars into Central Park. She knocks one off his horse with a staff and recovers one of the objects. Almost immediately she’s butting heads with Special Agent Sean Daley, who you know she’s going to be sleeping with by the middle of the movie.

Basically, everyone is trying to find the treasure of the Templars, which would radically change many Christian’s believe systems. My favorite parts of the movie are the flashbacks, which are shot with this sepia tone. However, this is a goofy, overly complicated television movie that is part Indiana Jones, part The DaVinci Code and part romantic comedy. I’ll take those zombie Templars from the Blind Dead movies over this TV movie any day.

Last Train, The (1998)

In England passengers on a train are put into suspended animation when a canister containing a mysterious gas explodes. This happens when the train is thrown off the tracks in a tunnel. Sometime later the people awaken to find themselves in a blocked off train tunnel and when they eventually get out it looks like they’re in the middle of a tropical forest. Woman named Harriet knows what has happened—that a 12 mile long asteroid had impacted with the planet and when it hit, the train was knocked off the tracks and the contents of her canister were released. She tells everyone that only a few years have gone by, but when someone discovers a grave marked 2012, they now realize it’s been at least fourteen years. However, when they come across a well preserved town inhabited by an old man and his daughter, they find out it’s actually fifty years since the asteroid impacted with the planet.

Their main goal is to find Ark, which is where other people will have been frozen. They are befriended by a young pregnant woman but she’s pursued by a tribe of humans who want her back. The train people quarrel amongst themselves, are almost killed when they barely miss driving over the edge of a hidden building that was buried in the side of a hill and have to battle a black panther for food. Eventually they do find the hidden scientific lab but discover everyone had awakened forty-years before and that their descendants, the “children of Ark” are the seemingly wild people who had been pursuing them.

This is a very cool mini-series, along the lines of Survivors and apocalyptic movies like The Ultimate Warrior or The Ravagers.

Last Unicorn, The (1982)

This is one of my favorite Rankin-Bass animated features, up there with Mad Monster Party and The Hobbit. A unicorn (voice of Mia Farrow) becomes friends with a magician named Schmendrick (voice of Alan Arkin). They first meet when she’s captured by a witch and displayed along with some other animals and he helps her escape. Then, they encounter a band of outlaws in the woods. It’s when a huge fiery bull comes for her that Schemendrick casts a spell and transforms her into a young human female, Amalthea. They eventually come to the castle of old King Haggard (voice of Christopher Lee) and learn that he’s captured all the unicorns. They have been driven into the sea. Haggard’s son, Prince Lir (Jeff Bridges) falls in love with Amalthea, which complicates matters since he’ll have to choose between her and his father. I’ve always thought this was a great adaptation of the Peter S. Beagle novel—and yes, I like those songs by America.

Last Winter, The (2008)

Larry Fessenden’s latest is about a group up in Alaska who are at odds with each other. Ron Perlman wants to bring in his oil boring equipment but James Legros tells him that the permafrost is melting and it can’t support all that weight and they won’t be able to bring in the equipment. Perlman gets him fired, but in the meantime, while he’s waiting for the plane back, one of the group members freaks out and walks out one night into the ice, naked. They find his body, eyes ripped out by ravens. There’s also a videotape, as he had a camera with him, which shows that something else is indeed out there. The two Inuit workers talk about the Wendigo and thus ties this as a sort of sequel to Fessenden’s previous Wendigo.

There’s a scene where a plane crashes into their building and people are running around on fire, but it’s not the cheap CGI fire, but real fire, and it has much more of an impact because it’s convincing. The same goes for all the scenes with the ravens, particulary in the last scene when they are eating someone’s dead body. Real birds, not CGI birds. The wendigo itself is CGI, though, and because it’s so ethereal looking it works.

The Last Winter is purposely vague, which increases the sense of unease you get while watching the movie. The ending reminded me of the ending for Resident Evil, as it amounted to the same thing...the end of the world.

Last Zombi Hunter, The (2010)

Falcon, a guy with a fake handlebar mustache is beaten by a masked thug, who, after hitting him for a bit yanks off his mustache, which makes him let out a long painful scream. Then, it cuts to Troma mascot Lloyd Kaufman as a guy giving a lesson in self defense. Suddenly Falcon (Ken Mood) has a gun in his hand and kills the masked guy who spurts blood all over the place like he’s a cartoon.

Then it’s on to an abandoned building where two armed women encounter three armed boys. No, they’re not mutants—I’m talking about guns. After they scream at each other they decide to band together for resources, it being the end of the world and all. Then, Falcon enters and shoots one of the kids. He explains that he’s a cop, the law, and that he’s after the Last Zombie, which he believes is in the building. He explains that the zombies were created by a criminal named Deveraux who tried to bring his dead lover back from the dead. Instead, he created zombies and brought them to the city. There’s a great scene in which Falcon is chased through a forest by a horde of zombies. My favorite was the zombie riding a unicycle. I think that is a first for a zombie film. When the flashback is over, the movie goes back to the group of survivors, just in time for another group of armed guys to appear. A few more people are shot, including one of the women. To tell you the truth I didn’t think there were these many guns in the entire UK. Then, the Last Zombi finally appears and he has brought company...

For the most part I enjoyed this micro-budget movie from over the pond. Many of the people try to make up for their acting ability by sheer volume, which mostly works. Ken Mood is funny as the “hero”, sort of like Bryan Brown’s wimpy brother trying to act tough. And I do wish there were sub-titles since I had a hard time understanding because of the thick accents (and besides, it would probably make the movie funnier).

There’s plenty of well-done gore and surprisingly good computer effects of muzzle flares and splashing blood. The lead actor even sings a zombie-themed song at the end!

Directed by Steven Noel Sibley.

Lathe of Heaven (2002)

Lukas Haas (Witness) portrays George Orr, who believes that his dreams change the reality he lives in. He takes drugs to prevent himself from falling asleep but the authorities catch him with the unauthorized medication and tell him to see a therapist to talk about his problems. He tells the psychiatrist (James Caan) about his unique reality changing predicament and, of course, the guy thinks he’s nuts. That is, until he sees pictures of Orr’s brainwaves. From then on he gives Orr post-hypnotic suggestions of what to change in the world...from overpopulation to making himself a world-renowned celebrity. Orr realizes what the doctor is doing and doesn’t like it one bit. There’s also a woman (Lisa Bonet) that keeps on crossing his life and he feels that she was once his girlfriend or wife in another reality. He tries to recapture her feelings while also trying to stop the doctor from changing the world too much. In the end he ends up not only erasing his own memories but those of the doctor as well, so that he’s back at the beginning. This production is much lighter in tone and has a much larger budget than the 1970’s original interpretation of the Ursula K. Leguin novel. Some of it’s better, some of it’s worse-the best bet is to watch them both.

Lazarus Project, The (2008)

An ex-con, with a wife and young daughter, gets fired from his job at the brewery when they find out about his prior conviction. Desperate for money, he agrees to pull a heist with his brother, who was just released from jail. Everything goes wrong and several people are killed. He’s judged guilty of three counts of murder and is sentenced to death, since it’s Texas. But when he wakes up he finds himself out in Oregon with a new job and identity. He’s the groundskeeper for a mental institution. He primarily keeps to himself but wants his old life back. They tell them that if he leaves that he’ll die. Then, they tell him that his wife and daughter died in a bus accident. Are they lying? Then, a woman psychiatrist shows an interest in him but he’s not ready to move on and put his old life behind him.

We’re not really sure if this is all really happening, if he’s simply crazy or if he’s dead and he’s in some kind of limbo, sort of like a cross between Remo Williams and Jacob’s Ladder. Paul Walker (Timeline) gives a heartfelt performance and I’ll watch virtually anything with Piper Perabo (The Cave) in it. The movie was all a bit familiar, though.

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)

What a cool movie this is. In 1899 Many 19th century literary characters-Dorian Grey, Dr.Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde, Mina Harker (Bride of Dracula), Captain Nemo, the Invisible Man and Alan Quartermain (King Solomon Mines) are recruited by a secret English government agency to stop a ruthless villain named The Fantom, from starting a world war. They’re also joined by U.S. secret agent Sawyer (yes, Tom Sawyer!). It remains faithful to all those fictional characters, in both how they look and behave. While the story isn’t all that complicated the effects are-and there’s some amazing scenes that happen in Venice as they try to stop some bombs from exploding. And, of course, Sean Connery shines as Quartermain. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I went to see this and I was pleasantly surprised. It made me want to re-watch all those movie adaptations of those books again.

Leech Woman, The (1959)

The aging, alchoholic wife of a doctor wants to be young again. And her husband, who enjoys her money and wants to become famous with his research, wants to use her as a guinea pig in his anti-aging experiments. When an old African woman comes to his office one day with a mysterious powder that halts the aging process, he immediately wants to go to Africa to seize the discovery. Of course he needs his wife’s money—and she goes along on the dangerous trip with him. Eventually they come upon the tribe and re-encounter the ancient African woman, who takes another potion and becomes young again. The doctor’s wife takes the drink as well, though it has a price. She must kill men in order to give the process its working ingredient. She ends up killing her doctor husband, who she realizes does not love her at all, and returns to the U.S., killing strangers in order to maintain her youth. When she falls in love with her lawyer she can’t bring herself to kill him—and throws herself out the 2nd story bedroom window. When they look out to see her body it has aged a tremendous amount, like a vampire exposed to the sun.

Leeches (2003)

The latest from David DeCoteau, written by Michael Gingold of Fangoria, concerns a swim team taking steroids—and giant leeches. There are alot of slow motion shots of young men taking showers, camera pans of their bodies, swimming in small swim trunks, taking off shirts, walking around without shirts. Oh, there are these foot-long leeches as well, which may be representing something else entirely. Well, DeCoteau did start off directing gay porn movies. And if I were a gay man I probably would have enjoyed this movie far better.

Left in Darkness (2006)

Celia (Monica Keena of Freddy vs. Jason) has always felt guilty that her mother died during childbirth and this has haunted. Not only that, she’s also been followed by a “guardian angel” most of her life, something she doesn’t find out about until she dies and finds herself in this sort of limbo.

Soon after she’s invited to a college Frat party she’s drugged by one of the members and is raped. They also gave her too much of the drug and it kills her. She finds out that she’s dead when she sees her body laying in the shower. A man named Donovan (David Anders, aka Sark on ALIAS) soon appears and reveals that he’s the spirit she saw when she was a child, a spirit that had pulled her out of the path of a speeding car and saved her life. She thought he was just an imaginary friend but he’s real. At first he seems to be an ally, and warns her of the Soul Eaters, these zombie-like creatures that want to feed on her. He warns her that she has to stay in the light and he’s the only one who can help her. In truth, his reasons for helping her are much more diabolical.

The movie is well-acted, has an unpredictable plot and has its creepy moments with the zombie-creatures. It’s also good to see Tim Thomerson (Trancers) in something other than a Charles Band movie. Produced by Stephen J. Cannell.

Legend (1985)

This Ridley Scott movie takes place in a Fairy tale land. The land’s princess, Lilly, is out visiting some peasants and then visits a boy who lives in the forest, Jack (Tom Cruise). They are sweet on each other. He then proceeds to show her something that’s very sacred—two unicorns. She wants to touch them but he warns her not to. She does it anyway. And just as it happens a group of ogres shoot a poison arrow into it, which immediately plunges the land into darkness. These hideous creatures were sent by their master, Darkness, to kill these creatures of the light so he can then rule this land. His abode is in a gigantic leafless tree. Some various types of elves visit Jack and appoint him as the warrior to get the unicorn’s horn back from The Darkness. He’s never fought anything before, so this is all new to him. Things get really creepy on the way through the Goblin land, when they first encounter a witch-like creature living in the swamp. Then they end up in some ancient cells and look to be the next thing on the dinner menu.

I think this is one of Tom Cruises’ best roles as he hardly talks in the entire movie. It’s sort of the equivalent of Kate Beckinsale in the Underworld movies. However, the actor that steals the movie is Tim Curry as The Darkness, this huge red skinned huge horned demon. The biggest difference between this DVD and the theatrical release is the different musical score, which gives it more of a “Fairytale” feel than the Tangerine Dream music. This includes more of the Princess Lily (Mia Sara) singing to Jack (Tom Cruise).

Legend of Blood Castle, The (1972)

Another movie based on the Elisabeth Bathory myth, this time with a Countess bathing in the blood of young women while her husband starts acting like a vampire. At the start of the movie the couple are respected members of the community-then become more and more evil as they act out their desires. This happens after a local man, recently deceased, is accused of being a vampire. The town digs him up, takes his corpse to court and proves, through eyewitnesses, that he is a vampire. They cut off his head then burn him. The count and countess, realizing how superstitious the townsfolk are, decide to use this to their own advantage. The Count fakes his own death-and then kills young women to sate his sexual/violent desires. He then brings the bodies-and their blood-to his wife, who bathes in their bodily fluids. In the end the turn on each other and she kills him. Condemned as insane she’s bricked up in her own mansion and fed through a slat in the bottom of the door, aging horribly. The last shot is of her sitting in filth, staring at her withered features in a mirror.

Legend of Earthsea, The (2004)

The events in this fantasy movie take place on a world that is mostly ocean. Instead of any continents there are a thousand islands, each having their own culture. Magic also works here. Ged (Shawn Ashmore of X-Men), a young man who works as a blacksmith with his father, yearns for adventure. He has never traveled beyond his island, which greatly frustrates him. He also has waking ‘visions’ of a beautiful young woman and doesn’t know what it quite means. When their homeland is invaded Ged is able to summon a fog so that the soldiers run off a cliff to their deaths. He hadn’t realized his own magic was so strong. Soon, a wizard named Ogion (Danny Glover) comes and wants to teach Ged the ways of the wizard. Ged quickly agrees, though is quickly impatient about Ogion’s teachings. So he goes off to an island where there is this school for soon-to-be wizards. He meets some friends and makes enemies. Along the way he also breaks several of the school’s rules-the worst being summoning the dead—and is expelled. Because he has summoned the dead he is haunted & hunted by this skeletal spectre, which desires his destruction. This is basically Ged’s dark side given form. He eventually comes to the island where he meets that girl from his dreams. Her name is Tenar (Kristin Kreuk of Smallville, Beauty & The Beast Tv series) and she was next in line to be a high priestess, which guards a sacred temple. She also has some big problems. A jealous woman has framed her for poisoning the current high Priestess (Isabella Rossellini) and is imprisoned until a judgement is made. Ged comes just in time and rescues her, though they see their troubles are just beginning. I’ve never read any of the Earthsea books by Ursulla K. LeGuin so I can’t say as to how faithful the adaptation this is, but I did find it an entertaining movie. If it wasn’t for the success of the Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter this movie would have never been made. Hopefully more fantasy films are on their way.

Legend of the Dinosaurs (1977)

A Japanese woman exploring the forest around Mt. Fuji falls into a crevasse and finds herself amidst some frozen dinosaur eggs that were in hibernation for millions of years. Coincidently, this is the moment one of them hatches and she barely escapes with her life. News of her discovery spreads and it is determined by scientists that dinosaurs are reawakening. There’s quite a bit of talking, always a bit surreal when you’re watching a badly dubbed Japanese movie, but the climactic battle between a giant plesiosaur and a pteranodon makes it all worthwhile.

Legend of the Seeker (2008)

This two-hour pilot of this series is an interesting “Sword & Sorcery” movie, having all the typical things you’d expect in such a program...a witch, a sorcerer, a prophecy, a warrior...it’s like Xena and Hercules, only serious like Lord of the Rings.

Legion (2010)

At the edge of the Mojave desert is the Paradise Falls diner, where Charlie (Adrianne Palicki) works as a waitress. She’s eight months pregnant, the father long gone. The owner’s son, Jeep, is in love with her and wants to help her raise the baby even through she doesn’t return his affections. Then one day and old lady comes into the diner and tells her the “baby is going to burn” before she turns into a demon-like creature, bites the throat out of a customer and skittles up the ceiling like a crab. A customer manages to shoot her dead. Then Michael (Paul Bettany) shows up with a stolen police car filled with automatic weapons. He was an Angel. He’s come to Earth and cut off his wings and explains that he’s there to help keep Charlie’s baby safe. He doesn’t so much care if the others survive. When one of them asks if all the crazy people trying to get in are demons he says no, but that they are possessed by Angels and are here to wipe mankind off the face of the planet. God has become disillusioned with mankind he’s using the possessed to kill the stronger humans. So while this battle to keep the child safe is happening in the middle of nowhere, the entire world is being attacked by these creatures.

Legion is well written and doesn’t get too hokey. Thematically, it’s a lot like The Prophecy series. Granted, it’s also a lot like a zombie movie but it’s different enough to make it interesting. In fact, it makes those Angels on the Tv show Supernatural seem like pantywaists. These guys mean business.

Legion of Superheroes, The (2006)

I’ve only caught three or four episodes of this new Saturday morning animated series on the CW and I like what I’ve seen so far. I believe it’s done by the same guys who’ve done Justice League, as the style is similar and has some of the same writers, such as Matt Wayne (who I knew in college, twenty + years ago!).

The premise is that just before a young Clark Kent goes off to Metropolis (and presumably becomes Superman), he’s recruited by a group of heroes from the 30th Century, The Legion of Superheroes, to help them out in their time-period. In the 30th Century Superman is a legend and there’s even a museum devoted to him and his exploits. The team consists of Lightning Lad, Bouncing Boy, Brainiac 5, Saturn Girl, Phantom Girl and Timberwolf. The stories have the feel of the early Legion of Superheroes comics although here Clark Kent’s persona is called Superman rather than Superboy.

Legion of the Dead (2002)

Two guys, hitching out West, are picked up by a crazy old man who turns out to be a serial killer. Just as soon as they escape from him they go to a roadside diner where an immortal creature, posing as a waitress, works. In a side story, two guys in suits go around killing people and bringing them back as zombies, recruiting a ‘Legion of the Dead’. Their boss is another immortal creature, who wants that immortal woman. There’s a big fight at the end, in a rip-off of From Dusk Til Dawn but not done nearly so well. The story is weak, has more holes in it than a tone of swiss cheese, and some of the worst dialogue uttered by idiotic characters. This movie really really sucks

Leprechaun 2: Back 2 Tha Hood (2003)

I’ve always liked the Leprechaun franchise because it gives you exactly what you expect—an insane, evil Leprechaun killing people along an entertaining (albeit basic) story. And overall, each movie has been much more satisfying than the Jason or Freddy movies. Admit it, I’m right. This time around our diminutive killer is back, trying to reclaim his gold which was found by a young woman. She, of course, shares her treasure with her three friends-which make them targets for the Leprechaun. They don’t spend their money to get out of their neighborhood, which would be the smart thing to do. Instead, they buy a lot of things. Warwick Davis is again hilarious as the green monster, especially in one scene where he’s smoking a bong and can’t get enough. Face it, there’s absolutely nothing scary or threatening about a Leprechaun, which makes these movies such a hoot.  If you want a little entertainment then rent this out.

Let Me In (2010)

I enjoyed this American remake of Let the Right One In far better than the original. It has better production values, better effects and the most important thing of all, better actors. The original movie had me bored. This had me hooked.

Owen (Kodi Smit-McPhee) is a twelve-year-old boy who is tormented by three bullies. To make matters worse his mother is an alcoholic, sleeping her life away, and he hasn’t seen his soon-to-be divorced father in months. So when a young girl, Abby (Chloe Moretz of Kick-Ass), and her father move into the next door apartment he’s curious. He ends up making friends with her, though she’s odd. It’s the middle of Winter and she goes barefoot in the snow, telling him that she doesn’t get cold. And when he asks her age she tells him “Twelve-years-old, give or take”. There’s also a parallel story in which a policeman (Elias Koteas of The Prophecy) is investigating murders in the town, murders which have to do with Abby. Eventually Owen realizes that she’s a vampire and he must decide to either help her or not.

I can’t remember if the original took place in the early 80’s but that actually works very well for the story. And, of course, I’m sure it helps the soundtrack sales (David Bowie and Greg Kihn) and opens it wide open for a modern-day sequel which would show an adult Owen and a twelve-year-old Abby...

Let the Right One In (2008)

This Swedish vampire movie doesn’t quite live up to the hype that it’s “One of the best vampire movies ever”. But it is interesting, if somewhat familiar.

Twelve year old Oskar is a wimpy blonde kid who continually gets picked on by a group of boys. He takes it until he meets Eli, a twelve-year old girl he meets who moved into an apartment next door. They quickly become friends and Oskar finds out that Eli has “been twelve years old for a very long time”. Eli is a vampire and she has the help of an old man named Hakan, who goes out and finds victims and drains their blood for her. But Hakan nearly gets caught and is injured—and she kills him. So without a “Renfield”, it’s up to Eli to feed herself.

The performances are good and the Eli vampire is creepy, especially those scenes where she is feeding, in which she looks really old. But I found it predictable, as it’s obvious she’s grooming Oskar to be her next helper.

Let’s Scare Jessica to Death (1971)

This is one of those movies in which you’re not sure if things are really happening or if they’re solely in the mind of the main character. Jessica (Zohra Lampert), recently released from a mental institution, moves out to an island on the East Coast with her husband and a friend. But everyone in the town acts weird and they have these scars on their necks. Jessica also sees a pale human body underneath the water and begins to think that the a woman who shows up is really a vampire...

This is one creepy movie and holds up well over time. Shock Waves, made a few years later, is very similar in structure.

Lethal Target (1999)

In the near future a woman, Nikki Savage, is taken from her prison and recruited by her government to scope out a certain space station. She becomes the security officer. It seems that there’s this plot to spread a deadly alien virus—and she’s the only one who can stop it. First of all, this woman is no Sigourney Weaver and it doesn’t seem believable that someone so tiny could kick anyone’s ass like she does. Those fight scenes are a bit implausible. Anyway, she’s pursued by this huge alien thing towards the end of the movie and that’s pretty cool looking. The movie ends exactly how you think it will, with the space station exploding and her getting away in the nick of time.

Librarian: Return to King Solomon’s Mines, The (2006)

Noah Wylie returns as Librarian Flynn Carsen, who is sent on missions to retrieve valuable - and often supernatural - objects. This time it’s to find out the location of King Solomon’s treasures, which are hidden somewhere in Africa. But this isn’t just any mission - this one has direct ties to his own family history. He encounters archeologist

Emily Davenport (Gabrielle Anwar of Body Snatchers, The Marsh), who becomes a love interest, and they team up on the adventure. Versatile actor Erick Avari (Heroes, Planet of the Apes, Stargate) is the evil General Samir.

My biggest problem with this movie, other than the cheap looking special effects, is that is manages to be boring. The first ten minutes of the movie is him recovering an ancient crystal skull from some thieves in the American West, a skull which not only has magical abilities but is a remnant from the sunken city of Atlantis. Okay. Then it goes on with him returning it to the library and embarking on the King Solomon adventure, an adventure that seems too familiar. Now, if the writers would have stuck with fleshing out the first story, about the Crystal Skull, that would have been a more interesting tale...

Directed by Jonathan Frakes (Star Trek: The Next Generation), who also has a cameo as a reformed convict.

Life After Man (2008)

This is an interesting documentary from The History Channel, proposing what would happen to the remnants of our civilization after mankind disappears from the earth. It shows what would happen after 1 day up to 10,000 years, primarily through computer-generated effects. For example, most of our roads and cars would be covered up by vegetation after twenty-years, bridges such as The Brooklyn Bridge would collapse from rust after a hundred years, the Eiffel Tower after 150 years, with the Hoover Dam being the last man-made structure to be destroyed after 10,000 years.

The one thing I thought was goofy is that it doesn’t say people die off or kill each other, just that they disappear into thin air. One of the first things they show is someone’s dog locked in a house, then it getting into the groceries, et cetera, when realistically they’d be eating their former owner’s corpse— and the rats and cockroaches and pigeons that take over the cities would be feasting on our dead bodies, not to mention the swarms of flies. But this program is for television and people don’t believe death is going to happen, so they left this out. Still, it’s an interesting documentary, done in the style of The Future is Wild, Walking with Dinosaurs, et cetera.

Life in a Day (1999)

A University is experimenting with a rapid-growth formula called x-cel and the young scientist in charge of the project refuses to experiment on humans, much to the dismay of the school board. So they go behind his back and recruit his teaching assistant, who injects the chemical into his girlfriend. But he didn’t know she was pregnant-and the formula accelerates her pregnancy so fast that it kills her. With nothing else to do he leaves the quickly growing child with his teacher. He immediately figures what’s going on-and tries to come up with a way to stop the growing process. In the meantime, he videotapes the girl-soon teenager and then woman-who will die of old age by the next day if he doesn’t find a cure. To compound this, they fall in love. The police are after them, the faculty are after them and it’s a literal race against time to save the rapidly aging woman’s life.

Life of David Gale, The (2003)

A college Professor (Kevin Spacey) is on death row for raping and killing a colleague. The week before he’s to be put to death by lethal injection he asks for an interview with a well-known reporter (Kate Winslet). At first she believes he’s guilty of the crime but as she hears his story, told in flashbacks, she comes to think otherwise. Then, she is mysteriously left a videotape in her hotel room, which shows the woman dying-she’s handcuffed, with a plastic bag over her head. The ending is a complete surprise-almost as much as the ending of the movie Identity. If you’re in the mood for a good murder/mystery check it out.

Life on Mars: Series One (2006)

In the present (2006) DCI Sam Tyler (John Simm) is hit by a car and then finds himself in 1973. He already has an identity there, as Sam Tyler, newly transferred to the Manchester police department from Hyde, so everyone has been expecting him. His boss, Gene Hunt (Philip Glenister) is this overbearing, do-it-yourself type of guy who doesn’t let the law stand in the way of capturing criminals. In other words, the two guys are opposites. They are constantly butting heads and it’s very entertaining.

The only person he confided to that he’s from the 21st Century is co-policeman Annie Cartwright (Liz White), who simply thinks he has amnesia about his previous life. Sam also hears “voices” from his present, which are sometimes cryptic and sometimes directly at him—and more often than not come through the old television set in his tiny apartment.

The crux of the show is whether or not he’s in a coma and this is all a figment of his mind or if he’s really in a coma AND really back in time. Life on Mars is very low key for a time-travel show and that works it its advantage.

Life on Mars: Series Two (2007)

In the first episode time traveler/coma victim Sam Tyler encounters a criminal he knows, or will know, in thirty years and it seems that this same guy is trying to disconnect his comatose body from life support in 2006. Sam manages to change the time-line, though ends up actually creating his own problem in the process. In the first season he was more or less along for the ride, here he takes a much more active role, actually inventing a few things such as the “Stinger”. His feelings for co-worker Annie grow and he almost becomes resolved to living in this world 33 years ago...

The season does wrap up Sam Tyler’s story, and we’re given the answer whether this is all in his mind or if he’s really back in time. I wasn’t quite expecting the ending but it definitely fit the series and launches the premise for the sequel series Ashes to Ashes.

Life on Mars (2008)

The first episode of this “Americanization” of the British time-travel show follows the original script very closely. The premise is that Det. Sam Tyler (Jason O’Mara), after a serial killer who abducted his police girlfriend Maya (Lisa Bonet), is hit by a car and wakes up in 1973. He even has a drivers license from that period—and a job, at his own police precinct. He is supposed to be newly transferred from Hyde, NY, so they are expecting him. Of course, he thinks that he may be going crazy, particularly when he hears a heart monitor sound, the voice of Maya talking to him as if he’s in a coma, and a doctor who talks about him on late night television. It is cool to see the New York City of 1973, particularly the moment when he looks up at the skyline and sees the Twin Towers.

The one thing that doesn’t work, to the show’s detriment, is casting Harvey Keitel as Lieutenant Gene Hunt. He’s way too old (he’s 70!) and too small and looks a bit goofy with the Flock of Seagulls hair. I don’t think anyone could fill Philip Glenister’s (the original actor) shoes—he has that role nailed. Gretchon Mol is okay as Annie Norris, looking the total opposite of the original actress. Also, the adversarial chemistry between Tyler and Hunt is a bit off. The show was so similar to the original that I felt that I was watching an imposter. However, the last episode did give a definite ending to the series, which was very unexpected and completely different than in the original series, so I thought that was cool.

Light Years (1987)

On a strange alien world with three suns the peaceful populace of Gondahar are being turned to stone by these invading black robots. Silvain, the son of the ruler, is sent on a mission to find out what they are up to. He first encounters a tribe of deformed people, who have anything from several extra heads to a half dozen arms or feet. These turn out to be genetic experiments from Gondahar’s scientists, banished away because they were so horrible looking. Yet they are peaceful and are more than willing to help Silvain on his mission. He soon discovers that the legion of robots is controlled by this giant brain (voice of Christopher Plummer). There’s a bit of time travel going on as the brain from the future, which can no longer produce living cells, is sending these robots back to the past to capture people to get their life essences, which power the black robots. The brain from the present wants to stop all of this destruction so puts Silvain in suspended animation for a thousand years, to awaken and hopefully destroy the future brain. In this future Silvain encounters his deformed human allies, who have used the time-gate to get into the future. This is an interesting animated movie, intended for adults, not because of any excessive violence or nudity but because of the complicated story line.

Lightning Bug (2005)

Although this is more in the realm of ‘real life psychological horror’, the story is about a teenager, Green Graves (Bret Harrison) who wants to become a professional makeup artist as he deals with his mother’s (Ashley Laurence of Hellraiser 1 & 2) new alcoholic, wife-beating husband. And speaking of Hellraiser, there’s this ‘in-joke’ in a scene where she picks up a copy of Fangoria for her son-and there’s Pinhead on the cover. The biggest problem that this guy faces is that he’s stranded in the middle of Alabama and doesn’t have any money to move away. A chance for him to show his talents is the annual local haunted house, which is put on by an old farmer in the town-and he’s given the big budget of $250 for his materials. One of the best scenes in the movie is how he goes about convincing this guy that he should be the one who does the monsters. It involves him making a latex duplicate of his pet pig and making it look as though an alien is bursting out of it. It’s hilarious. There’s also a side-story of his relationship with the odd girl in town, Angevin (Laura Prepon of That 70’S Show), who works at the local video store. As the movie progresses, things seem to get worse and worse, culminating in a bad end for one of the family. How the repercussions of this act is dealt with fits perfectly-and makes for a great ending of another character, who indeed deserves it. Direced by Robert Hall.

Lightning: Bolts of Destruction (2003)

In this made-for-cable movie Joanna Pakula (The Kiss) is a lightning researcher who comes to the conclusion that the Earth is in trouble from a current bout of electrical storms. What she thinks will happen is that all the hundreds of storms happening around the world will unite into one big storm-and the last time something like this happened was at the advent of the last ice age. Although things fit together unbelievably well-the person who is responsible for her research money works for the government, her genius son devises an electromagnetic pulse contraption (which eventually makes the storms disappear) and her husband, an engineer working up at the magnetic North Pole, is in just such a position to utilize his son’s invention—it was an entertaining movie.

Limitless (2011)

Eddie Morra (Bradley Cooper of The Hangover) is an unmotivated writer who is having a bad day. Although he’s received an advance he hasn’t written one page. And his girlfriend, Lindy (Abby Cornish) has left him because he’s such a bum. Everything changes when he runs into his ex-brother-in-law who offers him a new drug to try out. He says it has been tested and government approved. Eddie takes it when he gets back to his apartment and discovers that it rapidly increases his intelligence. Rather than using 20% of his brain power, as do all humans, he is now able to access 100%. When he goes back to get more pills his brother-in-law is killed. He finds the stash and takes them before the police show up.

Eddie soon becomes a millionaire and is offered a job by investor/multi-millionaire Carl Van Loon (Robert DeNiro). But someone is after Eddie, someone who knows about the pills and what they can do. And there’s also a problem. He meets up with is ex-wife, Melissa (Anna Friel of Land of the Lost, Pushing Daisies),who had been on it, and is now neurologically damaged. That is a side-effect of the drug— it’s fatal. Eddie not only has to avoid the people who are after him, he has to figure out a way to survive the medication. Limitless is an extremely engaging movie with a cool idea. Highly recommended.

Listener, The (2009)

The pilot for this new show follows the same formula as Medium and Ghost Whisperer. This time it’s a guy, a paramedic named Toby who can read minds and has precognitive abilities. He only gets bits and pieces of information, which he tries to put together—and often makes the wrong connection. At first he thinks it’s a recently released arsonist, then a firefighter. It’s not until the very end that he finds out it’s really a social worker who has flipped out and is setting explosive timers for those he think deserve it.

Toby also recently broke up with a doctor, who he constantly runs in to, and they both still seem to have feelings for each other. There’s also some chemistry with a police detective investigating the case. Toby’s paramedic partner’s function seems to be the comic relief, sort of a Turkish Guttenberg.

Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane, The (1976)

A 13 year old girl (Jodie Foster) seems to be living by herself in the house she and her father leased several months before. We get the sense that something has happened to her father but don’t find out the specifics about it until later. The evil landlady comes along and harasses Foster, asking where her father is, why she isn’t in school with the other children, et cetera. When she insists on going down into the cellar to get her canning jars she sees something that makes her scream-and in her rush to get back up the stairs has the cellar door slam on her head, killing her. It turns out that the other body down there is the girl’s mother. She befriends a sixteen-year-old boy, who has a severe limp because of polio, and they soon become best friends. He hears her story and helps her bury the bodies out in the backyard of the house. But the girl’s biggest problem is the landlady’s son (Martin Sheen), who is the evil town pervert. He clearly wants to get her alone so he can have her way with her. Although not quite a horror movie it is an excellent film and boasts one of Foster’s strongest performances. The movie is based on the novel by Laird Koenig, who also wrote the screenplay.

Little Nicky (2001)

Adam Sandler is amusing as a son of the devil, given the task of trying to capture his two wayward, evil brothers before they than can take dad’s place on the hot seat. The depiction of hell is gruesome, particularly when Jon Lovitz shows up and is sexually molested by a giant horny black bird, and there’s plenty of otherwordly demons. One of the funnier moments is when they play an old Chicago tune backwards and it says to worship Satan. There’s also a talking bulldog who likes to go to strip clubs and a crooked toothed love interest (Patricia Arquette). Reese Witherspoon (Freeway) plays Sandler’s Angel mother (scary!). And whoever was resposible for casting Harvey Keitel as the devil is brilliant! Brilliant!

Little Vampire, The (2001)

This is an amusing Disney movie, about a little kid who keeps on having dreams involving the full moon, a red jewel, a comet and a gathering of vampires. When he befriends a young vampire he finds out that the vampires are searching for this lost jewel, which, when used when the comet passes overhead will end the vampires of their undead curse. The thing is, they have to find out where this jewel is. There’s also a vampire hunter who is determined to track and kill them all. The vampire imagery is great and it was a stroke of genius casting Richard Grant (Warlock) and Alice Krige (Sleepwalkers, Ghost Story) as the vampire parents. And this is the first time I’ve ever seen vampire cows! They’re creepy!

Live Evil (2009)

This vampire movie has a great intro. A scary-looking blonde woman, dressed in leather, walks into a trucker diner and offers one of the guys gawking at her a blow job in a booth while the others watch. However, she’s bitten his member off—and then goes and kills the other guys. Almost immediately, however, she starts vomiting buckets of blood all over the place and is deathly sick until her boyfriend comes in and takes her away.

You see, vampires are becoming extinct because they can no longer find pure blood since the majority of humans have polluted their blood with STDs, diabetes, alcohol and drugs. So we follow this group of four vampires in their search for nourishment. However, there is a vampire hunter (Tim Thomserson) pursuing them, who is dressed like a priest. He drinks and smokes so the vamps won’t feed on him. The priest takes on a side-kick, an African-American woman, and together they encounter all different kinds of vampires. My favorites are the ones who have these tooth-filled mouths located in their hands.

My favorite parts are when a vampire, missing an eye, plucks one out of a victim and then places it in his own eye socket, only to be sprayed by mace a few minutes later. In another scene one of the characters loses his hand, then proceeds to shove a cross in the stump and then cauterize it in an open fire. Ouch!

Live Evil is an interesting vampire movie with no redeeming characters, Tim Thomerson, and plenty of gore. It also has a good sense of humor and a twist ending that will catch you by surprise. Directed by Jay Woelfel.

Living Dead, The (1972)

This is pretty much a British remake of Night of the Living Dead. Here, a guy travelling to his country house on his motorcycle gets in a small accident with a woman driver-and has to remain in that town until the cycle is repaired. But when they become suspects in the murder of a local (who was really killed by a zombie) they’re held by police-and by a police sergeant who doesn’t like his hippie appearance. It turns out that a nearby experiment-using sonic radiation to get rid of insects-is causing the dead to reanimate. The motorcycle guy and the woman try to tell everyone this but no one believes them. There’s a few scenes mimicking NOTLD-car parked in the graveyard when a lone zombie comes and tries reaching a woman through the car window-and most notably at the end, when the hero is shot and killed by the authorities. Nonetheless, a good zombie flick.

Local Legend of the Haw Ridge Devil (2004)

Yes, that’s the title.An independent movie is not an easy thing to make, particularly if it’s your first movie. Most of the battle is just getting the thing completed. And with first movies you often learn as you make it...Somewhere in Tennessee there is this monster that starts attacking people. It looks just like the Tazmanian Devil from the Warner Brothers Bugs Bunny cartoons but is green with black fur. The way it attacks people is like a football player-tackling and hugging them to the ground while make these lion-like noises. It doesn’t seem to actually eat them, though. It just makes them a bloody mess. We’re introduced to a lot of different people, most of them hicks, and they are shortly killed thereafter. In between the killings are these really really really slow montage scenes of the forest, which I suppose are for mood. It gave me plenty of time to get up, get something to snack on, go to the bathroom, let the dog out, et cetera. It turns out that there is more than one monster-and a really big one appears at the end of the movie. It’s done with stop-motion-animation and I liked it-cheesy but entertaining. It happens so quickly it kind of takes you by surprise. The problem I had with the movie was on the technical side. In one scene someone will be talking to another person-and when we go to that other person the color of the film is different, either redish or bluish tinged. And then it might go to a wide shot, which is overexposed. I don’t know if the scenes were shot on different days or if it was just the Super 8mm film stock, but the effect is truly jarring. It simply doesn’t cut together. Then, later in the film some scenes are shot in video-and then go back to film-and maybe back to video again. The dialogue is all audible but I suspect it was recorded with the Super 8mm camera microphone-and the result is as if hearing these people with country accents talk through tin cans. The title credits are way too long-and consist of a POV shot of something running through the forest in this weird strobe effect. It’s cool looking for maybe fifteen seconds...not three minutes! The special effects are okay but not the most realistic. In one scene a woman is attacked by the creature and then she’s found alive by some people. She stands up and we see that her entire throat and neck is exposed-you can even see the bones-yet she’s talking! Not an appropriate makeup appliance. On the plus side the movie is entertaining, but I think not in the way the filmmakers intended. If a Mystery Science Theater scenario was done to it, with people making comments-or even putting a completely different, comedic dialogue track in, the movie would be so much the better.

Loch Ness (1996)

Ted Danson is Jonathan Dempsey, a down-and-out professor who is sent by his University to prove that the Loch Ness Monster does not exist. He’s given state of the art equipment and outfits a rented boat. He rents a room at the local hotel, which is run by a woman and her young daughter. After one week of investigating and scanning the lake he comes up with no evidence whatsoever. But then he develops some film left by his predecessor, which shows a giant flipper. Rather than going back to Los Angeles he decides to stay longer and goes back out to investigate. In the end it’s the young daughter of the innkeeper who shows him where the monster lives, which is in a cavern beneath a local castle. He sees not only one of the prehistoric beasts but two-a breeding pair. He quickly takes some pictures but this disturbs the creatures and as a result the girl almost drowns. Now, feeling vindicated in his discovery, he tells his colleagues and plans to announce this at a lecture in London. But after he thinks about it and considers the repercussions to the animals and the townsfolk-he decides to tell everyone that it’s all a hoax, that he made it all up. He did the right thing. This is a surprisingly well-done movie, definitely in the Disney vein but not quite as sappy as it could have been.

Lockout (2012)

This is basically a lame remake of Escape from New York. The President’s daughter (Maggie Grace of Lost, Fog remake) gets trapped amongst violent prisoners on a space station and a criminal (Guy Pearce) with one-liners is sent in to rescue her from the bad guys. Lots of people die in the process. Sub-par and needless CGI effects, from a one-wheeled motorcycle chase to a shoot-out in one-manned space vehicles outside the prison. Lockout feels too much like too many other movies.

Locusts (2005)

This network television movie makes many of those killer animal movies made for the Sci-Fi Channel look good. A blonde Lucy Lawless (Xena) is Dr. Maddy Rierden, an investigator for the department of agriculture. It’s up to her and her associates to stop a gigantic swarm of bio-engineered locusts from ultimately consuming all the food on the Earth. The person responsible for creating them was a colleague (John Heard) who was moonlighting for the Department of Defense. She had fired him but now needs his expertise in trying to defeat them. The army wants to spray a dangerous nerve-toxin on them, which will also kill 10-20% of the human population. Rierden eventually comes up with the brainstorm of electrocuting them, like with a giant bug zapper. Why no one thought of this earlier is puzzling. Even more puzzling is why, while these grasshoppers will each everything from oranges to sheep, they aren’t eating any people. There should be scenes like that one with the locusts in The Abominable Dr. Phibes! The closest we get to that, however, is when Heard sacrifices himself to save the others he’s with and gets kind of mauled up. It’s like a scene from The Birds. In the end, though, Xena manages to save the majority of the country’s crops.This network television movie makes many of those killer animal movies made for the Sci-Fi Channel look good. Croppy!

Locusts: The Eighth Plague (2005)

As killer animal movies go this is better than most, probably because it deals with insects rather than a giant fish or boa or python or some computer-generated mythological beast. Dan Cortese is the scientist/hero and Julie Benz (Angel, Dexter) is his wife, who works for the Department of Agriculture. Her father (Jeff Fahey in his 20th movie this year...) is a scientist who works at a company called Silogen, which has genetically engineered a type of desert locus to feed on insects and animals instead of crops. This is great for the plants but not so good for the local population when they escape. At first skinless cows are discovered, then people as the size of the swarm grows. The locusts were supposed to die off in two days because they were all engineered to be drones, but as things work in these movies that didn’t work. The big grasshoppers are also immune to any type of pesticide and eat it like candy.The movie ends in the usual way, with the guilt ridden bad guy (Fahey) sacrificing himself for his sins and some of the locusts still surviving (for Locusts: The Second Eighth Plague, probably).

London After Midnight (2005)

This movie from writer/director Bruce G. Hallenbeck is a homage to the Lovecraft mythos and old television series like The Night Stalker. David London and Holly Gemini investigate supernatural goings-on, like detectives. When we are first introduced to them in the opening scene, they have infiltrated the Cult of Dagon in order to rescue a young woman-but she doesn’t want to be rescued, having joined the cult of her own free will. The investigators end up killing many of cultists and the girl gets away. Soon after, they are contacted by an old friend, who is a doctor of hematology. His son, a recent graduate from college who had decided to investigate a small town where supernatural things are supposed to happen, is reported dead. Yet there’s no body. The doctor is sure that this cult is responsible-and London and Gemini go to investigate. A guy named Raven, who looks like a cross between Bud Cort and Scooter McCrae, is the head honcho-and its his intention to bring ‘The Goat of the Forest with a thousand young’, Shub-Nagaroth, into this world. In order to do this he needs a sacrifice. The doctor’s son, who is now a flesh eating zombie kept down in the cellar, was the first person offered, yet the god did not like him. So Raven captures London and intends to sacrifice him after midnight. It’s up to Holly, with her psychic ability and knowledge of Kung-fu, to rescue her partner before he’s killed. I thought the first fifteen minutes of this film were a bit rough, primarily due to the format in which is was shot, but after this you do get involved in the story. London After Midnight is a fun movie.

Long Distance (2006)

Monica Keena (Jason vs. Freddy) keeps on getting phone calls from a killer after she dials the wrong number. He calls her back and likes to make her listen to the last sounds of his victims and he’s slowly making his way across the country to where she lives. The movie is mostly a variation on Sorry, Wrong Number, then veers off in an entirely different direction. Unfortunately, this direction is a predictable road.

Long Weekend (1978)

I think this is supposed to be the Australia’s version of Frogs, but doesn’t work nearly so well as that classic Drive-in movie. What I did learn from this is to never go on a camping trip to the Australian Outback!

An extremely unlikable couple, who aren’t speaking to each other, go on a weekend trip, hours away, to the Outback. On the way they are both smoking, he almost gets in an accident, and runs over a kangaroo. Once they set up camp he starts chopping down a tree for no reason, throws litter about and they spray insecticide although they’ve left food all around. One day he starts shooting at a dark shape in the ocean and the next day finds it washed ashore. It was a female Dugong (Sea Cow). That night they hear these awful noises, somewhat like a child’s cry, and it’s the Cow’s pup calling for its mother. Then, at night when the man tries to pick up a small, cute opossum, it latches onto his hand and bites him, which he wasn’t expecting. There’s also a close call with a poisonous snake and some tarantulas. Oh, and they find a body of someone who was trapped in their car when the tide came in. Then, things start to blur as he becomes more unstable....and his wife ends up dead, with an arrow through her neck. He drives around, gets lost and gets stuck, then finally stumbles upon a road where he’s struck by a passing Truck, which ironically kills him just like he did the kangaroo at the beginning of the movie.

Looper (2012)

Joe (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is a specific type of hit man in 2044. People from thirty years in the future are sent back in time, to an exact location, and when they appear he kills them. However, things don’t go as planned when his future self (Bruce Willis) is transported. What is supposed to happen is that this “closes the loop” and his services will no longer be needed, though he knows he only has the next thirty years to live before he’s killed (by his younger self). But his older self escapes and so he has to find him—if he doesn’t, he’ll be killed far earlier than he’s supposed to.

The first half of the movie is interesting—but the second half turns into a completely different story, involving a single mother and her strange kid, who is able to move objects with is mind. This kid grows up to be a criminal in the future who ends up killing all the Loopers. So, does Bruce Willis kill him or not? Or does he do something that will make the kid become a different person? For me, everything is too unlikely and as a time travel movie I really didn’t care about the main plot points. Looper is a pooper.

Lord of the Rings (2001)

The tale of Frodo, Gandolph and the Fellowship of the Ring finally makes it into a live-action film—and the results are amazing.. The casting, particulary Ian McCellan as the wizard and Christopher Lee as Saruman is right on the mark, the computer and makeup effects top-notch and the epic story utterly engaging. As perfect as a book adaptation can get. Directed by Peter Jackson.

Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

This second film in the Lord of the Rings trilogy is just as good as the first, with more effects, creatures and battles. The focus is more on the different cities of humans and how they have to band together to fight Sauron’s evil. While this is happening Frodo and Samwise travel to the gates of Mordor, in order to destroy the ring, and meet Gollum along the way. The Gollum character is some pretty amazing computer animation and he’s funny and creepy at the same time. The three hours went very quickly!

Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)

The third part of the trilogy is the best, with an truly amazing final battle between man and monsters. The movie starts off with how Smeegle generated into that Gollum thing and how he became a murderer. Then, it continues from where The Two Towers left off, with Frodo and Samwise traveling to Mordor to destroy the ring. And the various kingdoms of man unite together to fight the hordes of orcs and trolls that come to invade them. There’s a scene where these huge elephants are trampling people and Legolas climbs up one of the creatures in order to kill all the mercenaries riding it. It’s simply jaw-dropping. Everything is wrapped up and comes to a satisfying conclusion of one of the best movie series ever filmed.

Lost Angel, The (2005)

Another detective/serial killer story, this one starring Allison Eastwood (The Spring) as one of the cops and Judd Nelson, not as the serial killer but as a priest who is helping the investigation. John Rhys-Davies, who seems to be in every other genre movie lately, portrays a deaf priest who knows more than what he’s letting on. Eastwood is a good actress and you kind of wonder why you’re watching the movie why she’s in it. As per usual movie logic, she becomes intimately involved with her male partner, which turns out to be a mistake. Yet, I must say that I did like the twist ending. I did not see that one coming.

Lost Boys: The Thirst (2010)

Begins with the Frog Brothers, five years ago, in Washington. They interrupt a crippled, denture-wearing Senator from becoming a vampire, only one of the brothers gets bitten and flees. Now, in the present, Edgar Frog is being evicted from his trailer. He goes and sells some comics, then is approached by a woman who wants to hire him to find her brother. This is Gwen Lieber, who writes Twilight-like vampire romance novels. Her brother, Peter, disappeared at a Rave two weeks ago because of a new drug called “The Thirst”, which is made from vampire blood. Edgar agrees to work for her but by this time she has also hired someone else, Lars, a reality tv adventurer. Also on board is a girl, Zoe, who is interested in Edgar. She works at that comic shop. Edgar learns that the vampires are going to sacrifice Peter during a “Blood Moon” and create lots of other vampires.

At first this movie was irritating me, as I’ve always thought the Frog Brothers the weakest aspect of the original Lost Boys movie. They were side characters and goofy. There’s also an inconsistency with the vampires. Lost Boys, along with the original Fright Night, had vampires that changed their faces when they changed, something that was later adopted by Buffy the Vampire series. Here, they look normal and have regular vampire fangs. But when they “Vamp” out they get all these pointy teeth like the vampires in the 30 Days of Night movies. However, the last half hour of this flick started winning me over, especially the “twist” at the end which was obvious but I didn’t see coming. And some of the references are a hoot, like the whole “You don’t want to end up lonely like Neville” bit and the hint that one of the vampire hunting gang may be another type of supernatural creature.

The Thirst is what the first Lost Boys sequel should have been rather than trying to mimic the original on a low budget. Now, I can see this being a viable direct-to-DVD franchise. Better yet, a television series...

Lost Boys: The Tribe (2008)

Of course, with a twenty-year later sequel all you can really hope for is that it doesn’t suck too bad—and The Tribe manages to do this.  As a true dvd sequel it has all the elements of the original except for most of the cast. There’s a scene where a vampire is impaled on deer antlers, a scene where people are attacked at a beach campfire and, of course, the Lost Boys themselves, who are an odd mix, with the obligatory African-American included. One of the best things in the movie is the Edgar Frog character (Corey Feldman) and I wish he had a bit more screen time. I like how the vampires look and how they are dispatched but what I missed was all that flying that was in the first movie, which went along well with the Peter Pan/Lost Boys idea. Here we only see them flying at the very end and it makes you wonder “Why weren’t they doing that earlier?”. Also, both alternative endings are better than the ending they decided to use for the movie and can only guess why they chose the ending they did (Corey Haim!).

Lost City Raiders (2009)

It’s the year 2040 and only ten percent of the land remains above the water. Global Warming has melted the ice caps and the water is still rising. A father (James Brolin) and his two sons run a salvage operation. In the first scene they are in the Los Angeles basin, which is covered in hundreds of feet of water. They recover a book and Jack (Ian Somerhalder of Vampire Diaries) is almost eaten by a mutant shark. Then, the family goes off to New Rome, where the father delivers the recovered manuscript to a priest. He is looking for a scepter for the Vatican, a scepter once wielded by Moses to part the Red Sea. They think it can make the flood waters recede and enable mankind to reclaim the planet. However, when they go to the hidden burial site mentioned in the book they find a sword there instead, an 800 year old sword that belonged to the Templars. They took the scepter and hid it somewhere in Dresden Germany. So another search is on.

Nicholas Filiminov (Ben Cross), a guy who has the largest real estate holdings on the planet, is also looking for this device. He hires scientist Giovanna Becker. She was Jack’s old girlfriend and used to work with them on their boat. As things escalate the father is killed and it’s explained to the two sons that he was a member of a secret cult that had been looking for the scepter for thousands of years. Cross wants it so he can raise the water levels even higher, so everyone will have to rent his house boats and pay him rent just to stay alive.

The movie is uneven, going back and forth from a futuristic action to a tame family flick. The special effects shots of the drowned cities are cool, as are the underwater scenes with a drowned out Los Angeles. I was also impressed by that big set piece at the end, when they discover the source of the power. But most of the movie takes place above water. Also, some things didn’t make much sense—wouldn’t everywhere they went be insanely crowded? And how can the water rise even more if the polar ice caps are already melted? If you are looking for some light fare you’ll probably enjoy this.

Lost Continent, The (1951)

This is a fun movie. Basically, a reworking of the novel The Lost World, this is about a group of scientists, along with some military personnel, who track down a lost experimental missile to a secluded island. The remaining natives tell them that something crashed from the sky on the top of the big mountain-and warn them that to climb the mountain means death, because no one has ever returned. They refer to it as ‘The home of the Gods’. Which these gods turn out to be are surviving dinosaurs. As soon as the group reaches the plateau everything appears green (tinted from the black and white) with the tropical forest and environment. What is responsible for this is the high volcanic activity and the massive uranium fields. They encounter rampaging stop-motion-animation brontosaurus and triceratops. And some of the guys are killed in horrible ways. In the end they manage to locate the rocket, get the information they need, and escape before the entire mountain explodes.

Lost Continent, The (1968)

A ship captain is hauling illegal explosives on his boat, along with a suspicious group of passengers, all of whom have sordid histories. During a hurricane the ship starts taking on water—and if the chemicals of the explosives come in contact with water they will explode. The crew abandons ship first, then the captain and the rest of them. However, they end up being caught in a weird morass of floating seaweed and run back into their ship, which has weathered the storm.

The seaweed is alive and hungry, with these tentacles. The ship can’t get out of the vegetation so it floats along until it comes to a much much bigger cluster which contains the remains of dozens if not hundreds of ships it has caught. They are not only attacked by weird plant monsters that reach into the ship, they encounter a group of Spaniards who are descended from early explorers and want their food and supplies. They fight and a lot of them are killed. There’s also giant crab and scorpions on one of the rock outcrops they have to survive. This is a good, “Lost on an Island” movie, only there’s no island. Based on the novel Uncharted Seas by Dennis Wheately

Lost Future, The (2010)

This is an old-fashioned post-apocalyptic movie. The last group of humans are hunting a giant ground sloth-like creature but stray onto forbidden lands. One of the hunters is bitten and quickly begins to mutate into a “Beast”. Then, soon after their return, the tribe is attacked by these animal men, who are in various stages of mutation. These beast-men follow them back to their tribe and there’s a slaughter. The majority of the people take refuge in a cave but three youths are trapped outside, so they run away for safety. It turns out that one of them, Caleb, can read. His father had taught him and now he’s the only one who has this skill. He carries around a battered copy of Tom Sawyer. When they are attacked by a mutant, who turns out to be the leader of their tribe who was bitten and transformed, they are saved by Amal (Sean Bean). He knew Caleb’s father and had been keeping an eye on the son. He tells the trio that even though they haven’t been bitten by the mutants they are still contaminated by the contact and will slowly become them. That is, unless they get the “yellow powder” that Caleb’s father had created, a powder that makes people immune to the beast virus. Amal also knows a bit about man’s history and how, through genetic manipulation, they were able to bring back prehistoric beasts like the giant sloth and the mammoth. That’s why everything seems so prehistoric. So they decide to journey to retrieve the powder. It’s been stolen by the leader of a huge island city (New York?). All the buildings are covered in vines and other vegetation. I liked this movie. It sort of reminds me of Yor: Hunter from the Future and old TV series like Ark II and Logan’s Run.

Lost in Oz (2002)

In this unaired television pilot, which I think was originally supposed to be done by Tim Burton, Melissa George (Alias, The Amityville Horror) is Alex Wilder, who must somehow lead Oz in a fight against the new Wicked Witch of the West (Mia Sara). Once in Oz she meets a World War II soldier who has been there for over a year, a man with the nick name of “Scarecrow”. It isn’t until she meets up with the Patchwork Girl that she understands where she is or what she’s supposed to do. The OZ portrayed here is bleaker than in Return to Oz —much of it is being turned black by the Wicked Witch. In fact, there’s one scene in which they’re standing where the Yellow Brick Road began in The Wizard of Oz, yet it’s a dead place and there are bones about. The munchkins are no more. I can see why this wasn’t picked up as a series, as there’s no spark between the main characters, the special effects are minimal and the overall story is weak.

Directed by Mick Garris.

Lost Room, The (2006)

This is an intriguing mini-series from the Sci-Fi Channel, sort of like an extended Twilight Zone episode (from the original 60’s series). The premise if that there are a hundred objects from a 1961 motel room that have incredible abilities and there are people out there who will do anything to get them. A key comes to Detective Joe Miller (Peter Krause of Six Feet Under) during one of his investigations, a key which can unlock any door. If you go through one door and picture what your destination will be, you will end up there. It leads to that motel room, which is in a sort of limbo. When his daughter disappears in the room he’s frantic to get her back and the only way seems to find a “prime” object, which has the power to do so. At first he’s led to believe this is a clock but it may actually be a person, a person who was in the room when that strange event empowered all of the objects.

This is a cool idea that’s well suited for a mini-series, as it’s not long enough for it to get boring. Kevin Pollack gives a great performance as the movie’s bad guy and he’ll go to any lengths to bring his son back to life. In one scene he actually cuts out his own eye. Eeek. The romance/love interest angle of the detective and a woman who is after the objects (Julianna Marguiles of Ghost Ship) seems forced and in the series simply to have a love story angle. There’s not a strong chemistry between the two actors.

Otherwise, this is an intriguing sci-fi series worth checking out.

Lost Skeleton of Cadavra, The (2003)

I generally enjoy spoof/homages to old sci-fi and horror films, so this movie already had a plus going for it. The title sequence reminded me of that of a William Castle movie-and the flick itself in the realm of Robot Monster and Ed Wood films. The story is about a meteographer (a scientist who studies meteors, he explains) and his wife who go to the mountains to find atmospherium, which has come down from a meteor years before. This substance is a huge power source. During the first night they are at the cabin they see another meteor fall in the distance-which isn’t a meteor at all but an alien rocketship which has crash landed. Aboard are two human looking aliens dressed in silver clothes. When we see the wide-shot of the rocket it purposely looks like a cheap model, not quite matching the exterior prop of its doorway in the close up shots with the actors. These aliens need the atmospherium in order to re-power their craft.In the meantime, another scientist is searching for the Lost Skeleton of Cadavra, which is not-too well hidden in a cave. He needs the atmospherium in order to bring the skeleton to life and therefore be able to rule the world. There’s also this three-eyed mutant wandering around the woods, killing people such as Ranger Brad. This mutant turns out to be the aliens’ pet. Oh, and there’s the cat-woman, Animila, created from the shooting the alien’s ray gun at some forest animals. She becomes the sidekick of the evil scientist. The evil scientist manages to resurrect the skeleton by placing the atmospherium meteor in its rib cage. It rises up, still a skeleton, and starts talking. Every attempt is made to show the strings making it move. The dialogue is stiff and overly redundant, just like the worst of the 50’s monster movies. If you’re in the mood for something truly silly and nostalgic check this out.

Lost Skeleton Returns Again, The (2009)

I didn’t find this sequel quite as funny as the original but it does have the same charm, emulating a cheesy 50’s sci-fi/horror movie. I particularly liked all the stilted, repetitious dialogue. This time around the lost skeleton, now just a skull, wants to restore its body from a relic that can only be found in the Amazon. So he hypnotizes a human subject to take him there. This guy happens to be the good twin of an evil character from the first movie. Meanwhile, Dr. Paul Armstrong (producer/director Larry Blamire) has already been missing in the Amazon for two years. A government agent, who wants to find a metal called Jerranium 90, visits the doctor’s wife and convinces her to go to South America with him. They find Armstrong sitting in the corner of a bar, disillusioned with what he’s seen. They are joined by a few other people, one of them a jungle guide who is also an identical twin of one of the first movie’s characters. After a lengthy montage scene of them walking through the jungle they stop and ask him how far they’ve walked and he replies “half a mile”. Eventually they come to the land of the cantaloupe people, who wear the fruits on their heads. And learn that they must go through the valley of the monsters to get that rare metal. One of the monsters looks like Gumby with a few extra eyes and another looks like a giant baby with only one eye. And let’s not forget about the two aliens and the return of Animala, whom the leader of the cantaloupe people thinks is a god. What happens to the lost skeleton is a hoot because it’s so abrupt and unexpected. Recommended.

Lost Souls (2000)

This is not one of the better of the ‘Return of Satan’ type of movie. Wynona Ryder (well, that’s the first strike against this film!) is a helper to a group of priests who exorcise people. Years before the same group had helped her with her inner demons. But an exorcism she’s participating in goes awry and the priest’s (John Hurt) mind is shut down and the possessed in a coma. She figures out, through notes of the posssessed man, that Satan will soon take over the body of the Anti-Christ-and that this man is a well-known author living in NYC. She goes to warn him (Ben Chapman) so that this will not happen. Of course he doesn’t believe her-and it’s back and forth until the end whether or not he’s really going to turn into the devil. The ending did surprise me in its outcome but the entire movie was so no-engaging that it didn’t make a difference.

Lost Tribe, The (2009)

On a remote island near Asia a prehistoric looking human-like skull is dug up by a woman archeologist. One of the other members of the group texts a message to the Catholic Church and they dispatch a hitman priest (Lance Henriksen) to take care of the matter. The church wants to keep the true story of human evolution a secret. So he and an armed group of soldiers capture her but she refuses to talk. So he shoots her in the head.

Then, we go to a group of young business people who are sailing their boat to an important meeting. They rescue a guy floating on some debris and it turns out to be one of the soldiers. He’s hysterical and ends up crashing the boat when he wakes up that night. They all end up on that same island and are picked off one by one by the native inhabitants. But these aren’t your typical cavemen. It’s explained, in a recorded videotape they find of the woman archeologist, that these creatures are the mutation from apes that had then evolved into modern humans.

This is a very cool movie. In the beginning we only get glimpses of the creatures but when they are fully revealed it’s not a disappointment. The makeup effects are great, along the lines of The Descent, as is the whole tone of the movie, down to the woman survivor. Don’t let the somewhat generic title put you off—this is one of the better horror movies of 2010.

Lost Voyage, The (2002)

I keep on hoping that the Sci-Fi Channel will start producing some decent features. This is not one of them. Judd Nelson is a parapsychologist who lost his father when the cruise ship he was on disappeared in the Bermuda Triangle twenty years ago. When the lost ship mysteriously reappears near the triangle a tv news show recruits Nelson to join them on their exploration of the ship. Not much happens. Obviously everyone in this movie has never heard of the Bermuda Triangle and Lance Henriksen really looks like he wants to leave the set at any moment. Judd Nelson gives a little better performance than he did in Dark Asylum but you can tell he’s just cruising through this movie.

Lost World, The (1960)

This Irwin Allen produced version of the Arthur Conan Doyle novel is one of my favorites. Professor Challenger (Claude Rains), recently returned from a hidden plateau in the Amazon, insists he has seen a dinosaur. A newspaper fronts up money but he has to take a news reporter and the paper’s two kids, a rich woman in pink (and her dog) and her younger brother. There’s also a famous hunter, Lord John Roxton (Michael Rennie of Day the Earth Stood Still) and an angry helicopter pilot, Manuel Gomez (Fernando Lamas).

Soon after they land on the plateau their helicopter is smashed by a dinosaur. Now,they have to somehow make their way down to safety.  They encounter man-eating plants and a giant spider and finally meet a native woman, who likes the youngest guy.

They are eventually captured by her tribe and taken deep within the plateau, which turns out to be an active volcano. Before they are to be sacrificed to their fire god they escape—but there are more dinosaurs to get past. And not everyone makes it out.

Although the dinosaurs are lizards and crocodiles with fins and horns glued to them, it works, as do most of the miniatures. I remember that some of the footage from this movie was used in an episode of Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea, which also featured actor David Hedison (the original The Fly).

Lost World, The (1998)

This movie has a great start, with an adventurer and his guide attacked by these really nasty, bat-like lizards, which devour them like airborne piranhas. The guide is slaughtered and the adventurer is fatally wounded. But before he dies he tells his friend, Professor Challenger, about his discovery of a ‘Lost World’ and makes him promise to go there and tell the world about his amazing discovery. Challenger promptly goes back to England and manages to get independent financing for a trip to Mongolia (where the movie takes place). Along for the ride is a rival naturalist, the daughter of the adventurer who was killed, a news reporter, and a colleague from the University who is out to disprove Challenger’s theory of living dinos. On the way to this lost world they encounter bad weather and eventually a tribe of Neanderthals, who look remarkably like Klingons. They eventually come to a plateau, construct a large helium balloon with the equipment they brought, and sail up and over to the Lost World. Before you can say ‘predictable’ some large pterodactyls attack them and the balloon plummets to the tropical forest below. The next forty minutes or so are filled with a lot of exposition about a lost tribe who had built a city and enslaved the Neanderthals and lots of talk about the environment and extinction, which is completely out of place and anachronistic in this period piece film. People seventy years ago weren’t ‘PC’! I kept on waiting for the dinosaurs, which are few and far between. Although they can’t compete with the dinosaurs of another Lost World, the filmmakers did come up with a cool idea. Because these dinosaur species have survived these past seventy million years they continued to evolve. For example, the brontosaurus they encounter has armor to protect its body and the T-rex has much longer forearms so it can grab and swat at people. One by one these cliched characters meet their ends in some surprisingly violent and bloody deaths that don’t seem to match the tone of the rest of the movie. My biggest problem with this movie version is that Professor Challenger isn’t going on this adventure for himself but for his slain friend, which diminishes his drive. And when he whines about what a mess he’s gotten everyone in he becomes just as weak as the other characters, who you really don’t care about. The only excitement they give to the movie is when they’re ripped to shreds by the T-Rex! Challenger and the woman (a blonde, of course) escape, leaving behind the news reporter who they thought dead. When the two survivors reach civilization they make the announcement that they did not discover a lost world after all.

Lost World, The (2002)

This A & E original movie is one of the best adaptations of the Arthur Conan Doyle novel I’ve ever seen, casting Bob Hoskins in the role of Professor Challenger. After Challenger returns from an expedition in the Amazon, with the recent bones of a pterosaur, he goes back to London to recruit another exploratory team to find the source of the dinosaurs. The group finds an isolated plateau in the jungle where dinosaurs have continued to exist. They also find a tribe of Amazonian indians who’ve adapted to the region and a tribe of ape-men whom they’re at war with. After a battle, when the indians are about to wipe out the last of the ape-men, Challenger intervenes, wanting to protect this endangered species. But that turns out to be a mistake, when the ape-men call some Allosaurs to their rescue. Most of the group makes it back to civilization but ultimately decide to tell everyone that their findings were a hoax because they don’t want people destroying this lost land.

Lost World: Jurassic Park, The (1997)

Compared to Jurassic Park, this sequel is disappointing as it lacks the “wonder” of the dinosaurs from the first movie. It also features two of the most irritating characters on film, Jeff Goldblum as Ian Malcolm and Julianne Moore as love interest Sarah Harding. There’s also Vince Vaughn as a photographer/animal activist and Arliss Howard as the evil Corporate guy who gets what he deserves.

My biggest gripe is that, influenced by upcoming release of the American version of Godzilla (granted, The Lost World was released ten months earlier but the Godzilla production was already underway. It’s no coincidence—Spielberg and crew knew they were going to beat the Godzilla release date and so decided to get their dinosaur rampaging across America first), they decided to have the T-Rex rampaging through San Diego, (complete with a shot of some Asians running away in fear)which at that point seemed like an entirely different movie from the first hour and a half. Of course, the Michael Crichton book is far superior and features a wider variety of dinosaurs. I would say this is Spielberg’s weakest movie (Oh, I almost forgot about Hook).

Lost, The (2006)

This movie pales in comparison to the Jack Ketchum book. It’s also one of those weird, anachronistic movies in that it’s supposed to be in the 60’s but there are cordless phones, SUV’s in the background shots, more modern toilets and televisions. Also, the actor who portrays Ray Pye (Marc Senter) is like a cross between Crispin Glover and Charlie Rocket, not at all threatening. The strongest aspect of the movie are all the female characters, from his tag-along white trash girlfriend to Robin Sydney as a girl he becomes obsessed with and Katie Cassidy as another victim, seen last year as Ruby on the tv show Supernatural. But whenever Ray Pye appears on screen it made me laugh as he’s anything but threatening. There’s also this weird sound effect of flies buzzing when we see him, which I suppose is to emphasize his relationship with death/rot but it only bugged me. If you’re a fan of the book or a fan of author Jack Ketchum you will be very disappointed in this lame adaptation.

Love Object (2004)

Kenneth (Desmond Harrington of Wrong Turn, Ghost Ship, Dexter) falls in love at first site with Nikki and will do anything for her. His work, at a company which writes instruction manuals, begins to suffer because of his new-found love and he eventually starts losing his mind. There’s also a new girl at work he becomes interested in. This is Lisa (Melissa Sagemiller). As he starts to spend more time with her he spends less and less time with Nikki—and this doesn’t sit well with her.To Lisa Kenneth seems ideal-he’s helped her gain a permanent job-and promotion-at work and he’s considerate. But when she discovers a postcard in his office that says ‘With all my love-Nikki’-and sees that the woman resembles herself, even down to the clothes and hairstyle (which Kenneth helped her to choose), she becomes upset. She gets even more upset when she flips the postcard over and realizes that the woman is really a life-sized sex doll. Yes, Nikki is the anatomically correct, 10,000 dollar love-interest that Kenneth had purchased and had a tumultuous affair with.Hence to say that his developing relationship with Lisa has come to a screeching halt. And he can’t resume his love with Nikki because he had cut her up in pieces and dumped her in the garbage when he had started to date a real human. By this time Nikki has become insanely jealous of Lisa-and so Kenneth kidnaps her with the intent of literally transforming her into Nikki by preserving her body by embalming her. Will he actually do it? Or will the police save her in the nick of time?Love Object is a disturbing movie, akin to May and Pin, worth renting out. Written & Directed by Robert Parigi.

Love War, The (1970)

Lloyd Bridges and Angie Dickinson are warring aliens who’ve assumed human form and are battling on earth. The only way to detect the aliens is through sunglasses (an idea later borrowed in John Carpenter’s They Live). Most of the movie deals with them unwittingly falling in love with each other, but she kills him anyways. The last shot of the movie shows her walking away, as seen through the sunglasses, and she vaguely resembles a mummy.

Lucan (1975)

In the movie pilot, a ten-year-old boy is found living wild in the forests of the Northwest, amongst the wolves. He’s captured and brought to a University where he’s raised by one of the professors, Dr Don Hoagland (John Randolph) who he looks upon as a surrogate father. Ten years later he’s a fairly well adjusted adult, who has even taken some University classes. But he’s emotionally bound to the people and place he now knows-and doesn’t want to leave. But when the professor is hit by a car and Lucan (Kevin Brophy) comes to visit-he tells him that he must go on his own and try to find his real parents (something he knows Lucan always wanted to do). Not only has funding been cut off for the professor’s research on ‘the wolf boy’, there are some members of the research facility who want to keep him in a cage like an animal. So Lucan leaves for the city-and gets a job on a construction site. There’s a lot of shady deals going on there-and the foreman is this SOB who doesn’t like him. Stockard Channing portrays the owner’s (Ned Beatty) daughter who is torn between marrying that asshole foreman or not-and Lucan’s there to give his own sort of basic guidance. Whenever Lucan gets angry he reverts to his animal instincts and his eyes turn yellow, which I guess are supposed to be wolf-eyes.

In one of the eleven series episodes he goes back to where he was found in Minnesota and tries to save the life of the female wolf who raised him. He also finds a crashed airplane with two skeletons— which may be the remains of his parents. The wolf does lead him to a clue, however, a hand-held watch that belonged to his father. In subsequent episodes he uses this watch to help track down his parents. There is also a detective whose job it is to capture Lucan and bring him back to the University. Mid-season this changes to Lucan being wanted for murder, which escalates things. This ploy is similar to that used in The Fugitive, The Phoenix and The Incredible Hulk.

In another episode a couple who claim to be his parents show up and he believes they are indeed his parents, which gives him a taste of the family he so craves. But things aren’t always what they seem. In another story, he’s coerced into boxing in Detroit, in order to pay a detective to help track down his parents. In another wolf related story, he comes across a caged wolf raised by humans, who he has to teach to be a wolf. This happens during a raging forest fire he’s able to elude. And when he’s in California he searches for a disappeared gold prospector who may have information about his long-lost parents. Throughout the episodes he gets help from Dr. Hoagland, who wants to make sure Lucan isn’t caged.

This is one of my favorite TV series from the 70’s, sort of like Tarzan in the modern era. The whole thing with him being pursued by the detective and him trying to find his parents is a little tiresome, but I suppose it gives him a “quest” to propel the episodes.

Lucky (2003)

Holy shit. Lucky is one of those movies that starts off fairly innocuous but gets weirder and nastier as you watch it, containing everything from a talking dog to torture to necrophilia. Fun for the whole family-if you’re the Manson family! Millard Mudd is a down and out cartoon writer drowning in beer and despair. The movie starts with a long POV shot walking into his run-down house littered in garbage and there’s a voiceover telling of his dilemma-he can’t write. But after he runs over a small dog while drunk driving his luck changes. He takes the dog home. It soon starts talking to him telepathically and supplies him with the ideas for scripts. During this time Millard meets a woman named Misty and they start dating. Then, after he tells her that his dog talks to him she disappears. Months go by and no contact with her. When he finds the remains of her body half buried in his backyard he realizes that Lucky had killed her. That’s where all his new creative energy is coming from-all the people Lucky has killed. The dog convinces him that he should be doing the killing. A soon as he does his writing improves even more and his career his back on track. Millard gets the dead people’s energy, has sex with their lifeless bodies and the dog eats the leftovers. It’s a good working relationship. As I said, Lucky is a grim, nasty and often hilarious movie perfect for a midnight viewing

Lulu on the Bridge (1999)

Harvey Keitel portrays a New York City musician who gets shot in the chest with playing a gig. After recovering in the hospital he doesn’t quite know what to do with his life since he can’t play his instrument with just one lung. Then, one night, he comes across a dead body in the street-and takes the bag the man was carrying. It contains this strange stone, which glows and hovers in the dark. Also in the bag a phone # written on a piece of paper, the phone # which belongs to a young woman who he’s never met (Mira Sorvino). He thinks she is involved with the man’s death somehow-and even goes so far as to show her the power of the stone. What it then does is make these two strangers fall head-over-heels in love. Now, Keitel thinks his purpose in life is to be with her. She gets a lead acting job in a movie shot overseas-and he’s supposed to meet her. Only he gets kidnapped by these suspicious characters who want to know where the stone is. He tells them he has no idea what they’re talking about. In truth, he gave it to his girlfriend to take it with her overseas.Then, bad things start to happen...This is a strange, affective movie, like a subtler version of JACOB’S LADDER.

Lust for Dracula (2004)

This is one of those movies that I have absolutely no idea how to review, compared to the usual horror movies that come my way. According to the summary on the back of the DVD case, this is a ‘re-interpretation’ of the Dracula story. Misty Mundae is in the Mina Harker role, married to Jonathan Harker (Julian Wells) and seduced by Dracula (Darian Caine). Mina’s sister is Abigail Van Helsing (Shelly Jones), who wants to slay the vampire. 95% percent of the movie consists of women undressing, masturbating themselves and each other, going down on each other, biting each other-and then it all starts over again with the different characters. I must say there’s a wide variety of breast-types, from very small (Mundae) to to big and fake (Jones), and the women are all very attractive and different looking from each other. Least to say, if you buy or rent this movie you aren’t getting it for the plot or dialogue

Luther: Season One (2010)

John Luther (Idris Elba) is a UK detective with some major anger issues. When he gets upset he has tantrums and bashes inanimate objects. Much of this revolves around his wife, Zoe, and the reason he’s separated from her. When we first see him, he pursues a criminal into an old building—and lets the guy fall fifty feet. He’s suspended for seven months. When he returns he has a new partner, Justin Ripley. The first case they investigate is a home invasion in which the husband and wife are found murdered. Their daughter, Alice, had found the bodies. It’s eventually revealed that Alice had killed her parents and that she’s a complete sociopath. And she’s taken a liking to Luther, believing them kindred spirits. In other episodes, there’s a sniper killing people, a serial-killer taxi driver and a group of kidnappers after some diamonds. The worst turn of events is when Luther’s wife is killed—and he’s framed for the murder. So he has to flee and prove his innocence. And crazy Alice may be able to help him. What a great series, which is along the lines of Wire in the Blood.

Luther: Season Two (2011)

Luther doesn’t quite have the anger problem this second season. He returns to work, though his former partner has been demoted because of his involvement with Luther—and Luther makes it a point to fix this. But his partner is kidnapped by a crazed art student who is emulating the murders of Spring Heel Jack. The first two episodes involve capturing the killer and getting Ripley back. While this is happening Luther comes to the rescue of a young girl, Jenny, who was working in porn. Her father was someone he had put away years ago and he feels somewhat responsible for her situation. But the crime family she works for doesn’t want to let her go, so he has to do them some “favors” or else they’ll kill her and her mother. The last two episodes (there are only four episodes this season) has serial killer twin brothers who are playing a game, where they hit people with either a baseball bat, a hammer or spray them with a squirt gun filled with acid. It’s horrifying. Dozens are horribly injured, though this story line has a great resolution. Yes, Luther is yet another show that focuses on the pursuit of serial killers, but it’s an excellent show.

Lycanthrope (1999)

A team of commandos, unlikely led by Robert Carradine (Revenge of the Nerds) and Michael Winslow (Police Academy), go to a hidden lab deep in the amazon where scientists were studying a rip in the ozon layer that might be affecting the local human populace. Why this film is called Lycanthrope and has a werewolf on the box I had no idea as there is no werewolf in this movie! It’s just a man who they think has ‘lycanthropy’ believing he is a wild animal. The movie ends with several pages of graphics about the ozone layer, making it seem too much like an infommercial for ‘Protect the Ozone’. Directed by Bob Cook.

“M” Titles

M.A.N.T.I.S. (1994)

In two hour made for televison movie, Dr. Hawkins (Carl Lumbly, Alias) is assisted by two African’s, who are basically Robin to his Batman. He’s already established as this crime fighter in Ocean City, who drives this cool hover-car. In his civilian life he’s a scientist who is paralyzed due to a police shooting (accidental?). He’s come up with a type of exoskeleton that allows him to move around. However, it can be damaged if he gets banged up alot. The cast is primarily African-American, including the hero and the villain, and Gina Torres Alias, Serenity) is the potential love interest. Producer Sam Raimi has a cameo as a nut in the police precinct. This was turned into a series the following year. Created by Sam Hamm (Batman) and Raimi. I like this much better than Darkman, as it’s a lot more fun.

Machined (2006)

Motorman Dan (David C. Hayes) is a collector of serial-killer memorabilia. In fact, he’s so obsessed with this he decides to go and create a serial killer of his own. He kidnaps a guy (Jose Rosete) whose car breaks down, drugs him, then starts drilling into him, attaching these metal weapons. Then, once he’s ready, he lures people to his garage and watches everything unfold via cameras he has set up. It’s a weird movie and much of its success has to do with Hayes’ performance as the twitchy lead, who is sort of like Leatherface if he were a couch potato. Machined is like Hour of the Wolf, only with a person instead of a lion (and a zero-budget).

Machines of Love and Hate (2003)

Joseph Parda’s Machines of Love and Hate is undeniably his best movie. Shot in 16mm, concerns a traveler who has no recollection of his past. First seen walking from the ocean, wearing a gas mask and army fatigues, he soon encounters an old man on the road, who thinks that he’s from the military. The bearded man has no idea if he is or not. Then, he’s hit by a car driven by a young woman (Tina Krouse) and taken to her home. His wound isn’t so serious but they offer to him a room to stay in. The father of the family is this old creepy bearded guy in a wheelchair, his wife (Elaine Daly) seems very out of it and the daughter acts much younger than she actually is, which is all somewhat unsettling. Then the man starts having nightmares where he’s in the same scene after scene-and still isn’t sure what’s going on. Let’s just say that people aren’t who they seem and that a bit of body hopping is involved. And some of the revelations are quite repulsive. The ending completely took me by surprise.This movie reminded me very much of a David Lynch film, in particular Lost Highway. And it’s extremely politically incorrect—I’m sure this movie will offend a lot of Catholics and Christians out there, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

Machinist, The (2004)

Christian Bale (Batman Begins, American Psycho) works in a machine shop during the day and stays up all night, cursed with the worst insomnia in the world. He often hangs out an an airport diner, drinking coffee and talking to the waitress there. He’s also rapidly losing weight and looks like a skeleton covered in skin (Bale reportedly lost 80 pounds for this role). As the movie progresses things get weirder and weirder-and it’s not clear as to whether events are really happening or if they are just happening in his mind. The movie successfully creates a feeling of paranoia and the payoff at the end works, making The Machinist a most unsettling psychological thriller

Mad Doctor of Blood Island (1969)

John Ashley returns, this time as a different character, Dr. Bill Foster, who goes to the infamous island to investigate reports of people with green blood. Angelique Pettyjohn is Sheila, who goes to the island to track down her long vanished father, who is a drunk.

Dr. Foster discovers that Dr. Lorca is doing experiments with chlorophyll obtained from a strange plant (which looks like the weird trees from Brides of Blood) and has turned one islander, Don Ramon, into a flesh rending creature. Alfonso Carmajal (who is also in all three “Blood” movies,) is sinister looking henchman Ramu.

I didn’t like this quite as much as the first Blood Island movie, perhaps because it’s more heavy-handed with the whole mad scientist angle. And I liked the radiation/mutant scenario established in the first movie, which is all but ignored here. The best part of this is the prologue about taking “The Oath of Green Blood”, which is just, well, creepy.

Mad, The (2007)

A Doctor, Jason Hunt (Billy Zane), goes on a vacation with his girlfriend, his teenaged daughter Amy and his daughter’s boyfriend. From the beginning you know things aren’t going to work out so well. The father and daughter don’t get along and he’s bending over backwards to please his shrewish significant other. They stop at a truck diner where a patron eats contaminated beef and transforms into a flesh eating zombie.

In the opening scene we’re witness to a farmer cutting off pieces of diseased meat, which he takes to that very same diner. Of course, it’s because of some growth hormone in the meat that has bad, zombie-inducing side effects. The zombie effects are decent and I like the tongue-in-cheek tone of the script, though I think it’s trying way too hard to be the original Return of the Living Dead. In fact, the entire opening sequence has this music that sounds like it could be from that particular movie, music which doesn’t fit this film whatsoever.

Madhouse (1981)

Seven years after Julia moved away from her domineering, evil twin sister, her uncle calls and informs her that her sister is dying. Feeling pressured, she goes to the hospital and finds out that her sister has contracted a rapidly disfiguring disease. The sister grabs her and threatens to do to her what she had done as a child-make Julia’s life miserable. Of course, she flees. Julia’s uncle also happens to be a priest and he seems determined to reunite the estranged sisters. Julia confides in her doctor boyfriend of how her sister had a large Rotweiller with which she used to terrify her. He’s very supportive of how she feels and does his best to assure her that everything will work out for the best. Later, he finds out that he’s very very wrong. The sister escapes from the hospital and a security guard is attacked and killed by a large dog. Is it the sister’s pet? In a few days will be Julia’s birthday-and her crazy sister wants to celebrate with her. But she’s not the only crazy one. That Uncle of hers has been busy organizing a party that she will never forget. There was enough going on here that kept me interested and the movie had the feel of an Italian horror movie. It’s also the first time I’ve ever seen a slasher movie in which the killer was a maniacal priest!

Magic Stone, The (1995)

This is about a small group of Vikings, along with their two sibling slaves, who venture into North America and encounter the Native Americans. The Vikings are overly violent and slaughter a hunting party and one of the slaves, Kilian, who is from Ireland, escapes and befriends the Amerindians. Never mind the whole idea about Vikings being in North America first, I’m not sure if the Irish were much more civilized than the Vikings around 1,000 A.D-and this Kilian character can read and write. On one hand the production value of this independent movie is pretty low-the scene with the guy in the bear suit is pretty awful-but it appears as if they actually cast Native Americans in the roles, which I found interesting.

Magic Sword, The (1962)

Ever since he was an infant, young adventurous George (Gary Lockwood) has been raised by Sybil, a kindly old red-haired witch. She’s overprotective and doesn’t want him to go rescue the local princess, Helene, who is kidnapped by the evil Sorcerer Lodac (Basil Rathbone). But Sir Branton (Liam Sullivan), who looks like a sinister version of Errol Flynn, also wants to rescue the princess and marry her. So Helene’s father, the King, has Branton and George join forces to go to Lodac’s castle and get her. George has six knights with him, which include Sir Dennis of France, Sir Pedro of Spain, Sir Patrick of Ireland, Anthony of Italy, James of Scotland, and Ulrich of Germany. One by one they are killed in horrible ways.

I remember first seeing this at a Matinee when I was five or six and it scared the crap out of my because the deaths are so brutal and the monsters creepy. Now watching it nearly forty years later the movie still holds up. Probably director/Producer Bert I Gordon’s best movie, next to Food of the Gods.

Magical Legend of the Leprechauns, The (1999)

Randy Quaid is sent on a business trip to Ireland to scout the location of a new resort for rich American people. He’s staying in this small cottage in the country and soon finds out he’s living with a family of Leprechauns. He saves the father’s (Colm Meaney of Deep Space Nine, Hell on Wheels) life and the little people are indebted to him. While Quaid wanders the countryside, meeting quirky Irish townsfolk and falling in love with the local beauty there’s also a parallel story of the war between the Fairies and the Leprechauns. When the son of the Leprechaun falls in love with the princess of the Fairies a war inadvertently starts, which escalates to full blown battles. The Queen of the Banshees (Whoopi Goldberg, slightly miscast) warns them that if they fight they’ll lose their immortality. They fight anyways. In the end the two lovebirds pull a Romeo and Juliet, with everyone believing they killed themselves in order to stop the war. It does-and with the help of the Queen of the Banshees everyone who died is brought back -and everyone, including Quaid and his new love, live happily ever after. The effects wit the Leprechauns are cool, making them seem that they are only a foot tall. The Fairies, on the other hand, look a little weird with these stubby insect wings. All in all, if you enjoyed the Lord of the Rings trilogy you should enjoy this. It’s much lighter and more towards the Disney side of things but much better than you’d think it would be.

Malevolence (2005)

This is an extremely slow moving, surprisingly non-involving serial killer movie that’s trying far too hard to be Halloween. But, hey, that movie has already been done to death so what were the filmmakers thinking? As with the (superior) movie, Dead Birds, this starts off with a bank robbery and the robbers taking revenge in an old abandoned farmhouse. They get there in two groups. The first robber at the house has kidnapped a woman and her young daughter who were in the car he stole to get there. He’s killed by a mysterious stranger, who then puts on the mask/pillow case he was wearing over his head, so that the woman now thinks that he’s the robber. Hours later the other group arrives. They were delayed because one of them was shot and had died-so they had to bury the body. This consists of a man who was more or less coerced by his girlfriend to participate in the robber. She’s unlikable and so gets what’s coming to her. The rest of the movie is basically the surviving robber and the kidnapped woman trying to escape from the masked killer and find her daughter. Of course, we know who the killer is going to ultimately be, thanks to a brief prologue at the beginning about a six-year-old boy being mysteriously kidnapped in the 1980’s. But just when you think the movie is over it GOES ON for another fifteen minutes with the police investigating the crime scene and (needlessly) giving the back story as to what was going on. I think the movie was trying to be like Ed Gein or the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. If you’ve been living in a closet and have never seen a masked serial killer movie before, you might think Malevolence is okay.

Malibu Shark Attack (2009)

A shark eats another fish and is then eaten by a much bigger shark that looks like it has a horn growing out of its head. Then we’re introduced to a bunch of life guards on the beach in California. Two of them were a couple and she’s breaking up with him because they’ve been together three years and he still doesn’t want to get married. Heather (Peta Wilson of La Femme Nikita Tv series) explains that she wants to get married, have kids and a family, even though she’s in her forties. What, she wants to raise a gang of down syndrome or autistic children if she can even get pregnant? There’s the potential for an entirely different horror movie there! Anyways, while people are being attacked by these weird sharks, which turn out to be the size of tiger sharks, there’s an offshore earthquake. A hundred foot tsunami floods the area and they are trapped in a building while the sharks try to eat them. These turn out to be Goblin Sharks, thought to be extinct.  Again, it’s basically the “Night of the Living Dead” scenario with people trapped in a building with something outside trying to eat them. This is definitely not one of the most memorable killer shark movies...

Mammoth (2006)

After having gone through just about every giant animal, both real and mythological, those wacky producers at the Sci-Fi Channel have finally done their movie on the Mammoth. A meteor, bearing an alien (of course), crash lands on a museum and resurrects the bones of a Mammoth. It rampages around and kills a lot of people by stepping on them. To add a unique twist, those producers figured that since it has a trunk it mine as well use it as a weapon, so we see this alien possessed creature suck out people’s life energy through its nose. It also blows out what looks like big wads of snot, which are really the amorphous aliens. What a stupid flick!

Man of a Thousand Faces, The  (1957)

James Cagney portrays the makeup master in this Hollywood biopic, opting to go the melodramatic route in depicting his growing up with deaf parents and his tumultuous personal life. I had heard so much about this movie prior to seeing it that it was somewhat of a let down. It seemed that they tried way to hard to make Chaney a sympathetic character. The scenes where they show him acting on the sets of Phantom of the Opera and The Hunchback of Notre Dame are really cool, though.

Man Thing (2005)

This made-for-cable movie is a reworking of the Marvel Comic’s character from the 70’s, which has more in common with the movie Slithis than it does its original material. The monster doesn’t even resemble the comic book character, other than being mossy and green with red glowing eyes. And that line from the comic ‘Whoever knows fear burns at the touch of the Man Thing’ isn’t even used. A new sheriff in town has to deal with the local oil company, Schist, and the local populace that opposes them polluting the local swampland. People have been murdered in a gruesome way and it’s because of a vengeful Native American spirit which has taken the form of this ‘Man Thing’. The human remains are found punctured by branches and vines and in a state of decomposition. The monster kills not only the bad guys but some of the good ones as well, such as the sheriff’s deputy. The movie has a good look to it, all of the swamp scenes very green and foggy and the computer special effects are decent, particularly when they are used for some of the more extreme gore effects (such as a guy getting pulled apart). The story, however, is stereotypical and thus predictable. Why can’t they ever get these comic adaptations right more often?

Man Who Collected Food, The (2010)

Miguel (pronounced Mig-oo-el) has an unusual hobby—he collects food.. The film opens with him freaking out in excitement in a grocery store when he finds a new “collectable”. Then, the story goes to his home, which is covered in packages and boxes of former edibles. I say former because he can no longer eat them once they are part of his collection. In fact, he’s about to fix something for dinner when he’s interrupted by a phone call from his overbearing and needy mother. She soon shows up at his doorstep and insists they go out to eat at her favorite restaurant. Their date is cut short when he spies an old canned good on display and proceeds to climb over a dining family that’s sitting in the booth in front of it. Things quickly get weirder, especially when we find out what Miguel prefers to have for a meal. He even goes to an “Addict’s Support Group” but that goes horribly horribly awry. Let’s just say things don’t go well for the other members when he divulges too much information.

There are also some weird neighbors that make him almost seem normal. Almost. One is covered in green goo and insists he shot an alien the night before and has mounted it over his fireplace. And a father and son redneck who live in a camper. One day they invite him out deer hunting but really want to re-enact “The Most Dangerous Game”. The Man Who Collected Food is an extremely quirky, funny, unpredictable and original independent horror movie that more than makes up for all the lame genre flicks Hollywood crapped out this year. It is highly recommended.

Man Who Could Cheat Death, The (1959)

In 1890’s Paris, France, a man is murdered by a cloaked stranger who is carrying a doctor’s bag. Then, a Doctor named Georges Bonnet (Anton Diffring), is having a party to show the sculptures he has created. A former girlfriend, Janine (Hazel Court) shows up with her new beau, another doctor by the name of Pierre Gerard (Christopher Lee).

Janine is thrilled when she finds a sculpture of herself hidden in a back room. She clearly wants Georges back. Almost immediately you can see that Georges is jealous of Pierre, but he must cut the party short when he realizes what time it is. There’s a sense of impending danger but we don’t know quite why. After everyone leaves he unlocks a hidden wall safe and takes out a green, glowing potion. Just before he drinks it he’s interrupted by his current girlfriend, who had stayed behind. He tells her to leave but it’s too late. His eyes change to a weird green color, as does his flesh, and when he reaches and grabs her on the face leaves a horrible handprint burn. He turns back to the safe and after he drinks the bubbling potion turns back to normal.

We soon find out that he wants another doctor, Ludwig, to perform and operation on him but that old doctor has had a stroke and can’t do it. It’s also revealed in their conversation that the 35 year old looking Georges is older than Ludwig’s 89 years....he’s 104! So it’s agreed upon that they’ll have to find another doctor to do the surgery and Dr. Pierre comes to mind. This is a great Hammer movie, a combination of Dr. Jeckyll & Mr Hyde and The Picture of Dorian Gray. Highly recommended.

Man with the Screaming Brain, The (2005)

This is one of those movies that I truly expected to hate, not just because it’s a Bruce Campbell movie (bad experience with Bruce at a convention years ago). Yet, as I watched this movie I found that I wasn’t tempted to use the fast forward button. The story is about an American Businessman (Campbell) who goes to Bulgaria to invest his millions and get a 4th quarter tax write off. He takes his wife, this blonde who seems to be in the marriage for the money. When they arrive at the airport they get a taxi driver who speaks English and knows his way around town. As they drive through ‘Gypsy Town’ they’re stopped by two cars of potential robbers-and the cab driver beats them up and proceeds with the drive. The wife is impressed-and we know she’ll soon have a tryst with the guy. It turns out that he used to be a member of the KGB.In another story, Stacy Keach Keach (previously seen with Bruce Campbell in ICEBREAKER) as a mad Russian scientist who has produced a serum that allows for a combination of different DNA, which would make all sorts of transplants possible. He hears from his assistant (Ted Raimi, goofy as usual) that Campbell is in town and tries to get his interest. It doesn’t work.When Campbell gets his brain bashed in by a crazy Gypsy woman (who was also the former flame of the cab driver) and the cab driver gets shot by her, in the same scene, the scientist acquires their bodies and does a transplant. Campbell is missing a section of his brain, so the doctor replaces that with a section of the cab driver’s. Oh, the guy’s wife is also killed by that woman and her brain is put into a robot body...The result is that when the millionaire awakens he can hear the thoughts of his brain donor. He escapes and wanders around-and eventually has a confrontation with the insane Gypsy woman and his now robot wife.The movie shows that Campbell can write and direct better than some of the movies he’s been in-and it gives him (probably) one of his last chances to show his ‘Three Stooges’ comedic talent. After all, he is no spring chicken. Man with the Screaming Brain is more entertaining than Army of Darkness (Perhaps one of the most unsatisfying sequels ever made). Then again, what isn’t.

Maniac (1963)

Takes place in rural France, with the opening sequence showing a young girl attacked by a lecherous old guy who gives her a ride. Her father catches them, knocks out the guy with a tire iron and then goes to work on him with a welding torch in the barn. We then go to five years later, when an American, Jeff (Kerwin Mathews of The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad) comes through. He has just broken up with his girlfriend, who leaves him in the small town. He goes to the bar, drinks a lot of cognac, and decides to rent a room there at the inn. He’s immediately interested in the 19 year old girl who serves him but her step-mother has her eye on him and eventually the two start sleeping together. She tells him about her husband, who is in the local mental asylum for murdering that man. He’s going to be transferred to a regular prison because they think he’s now sane—but, for some reason, she wants to break him out before it happens. She tells Jeff her plan and he agrees to help her break him out. At first, all goes as planned, but when Jeff finds a body in the car trunk the next day it begins a downward spiral. I must say that the ending did surprise me—I didn’t see that coming and it makes perfect sense.

Mandrake (2010)

In South America, a team of archeologists, including Betsy Russell (SAW movies), is looking for the remains of an ancient Conquistador from five hundred years ago. They encounter strange natives, dressed like monsters, and also the giant plant monster that starts picking them off, one by one (“sigh”). Basically, I think that the Syfy Channel is running out of ideas for “monster-of-the-week”. In fact, I’d watch Mansquito over this any day, which can tell you how much I liked this movie...

Maneater (2009)

Harry Bailey (Dean Cain of Lois & Clark) is the sheriff in a small town, still in denial that his wife had left him some years before. He keeps on expecting her lame ass to walk back in the door. She’s not coming home because she was slain by a local monster, the Wendigo. In the meanwhile, he’s taking care of his teenaged daughter who is more of an adult than he his. Then, killings begin, by the monster from Native American legend. It’s nasty looking, sort of like a bulked up version of the Cryptkeeper of Tales from the Crypt.  Although this has the stereotypical elements of a made-for-cable horror movie it’s entertaining.

Mangler Reborn (2005)

There were some good actors in this movie. Unfortunately, their performances sucked-and I think it just shows what a bad script and direction they had to work with. Aimee Brooks, so good in The Monster Man and Reggie Bannister, so entertaining in all of the Phantasm movies, are simply wasted here. The premise is that a laundry repair man is putting together an old antique washing machine in his house, in an upstairs bedroom, no less, and it possesses him. He goes on his repair jobs and kidnaps the clients, takes them to his house, locks them in one of the rooms until it’s time to feed them to the machine. A lot of the movie takes place in this house, going up and down the stairs, trying to escape, et cetera. I can’t believe how bad this film is. The worst horror movie of 2005! From Barnholtz Entertainment, the same company that brought us the unwatchable Ghost Watcher.

Maniac (1980)

This is truly one of the better “Slasher” movies from the 1980’s, featuring crazy-eyed Joe Spinell as a serial killer. In an opening scene he kills a couple on the beach, then kills and scalps a prostitute in a hotel room. What he does with the scalps is put them on these creepy looking mannequins he has in his apartment. Of course, he also has Mommy issues and constantly brings her up in conversation.

Caroline Munro shows up halfway through the movie as a fashion photographer Anna who befriends him, not realizing what a loon he is. However, on their way to dinner one night they make a side trip to the cemetery where his mother is buried and he flips out and tries to kill her. She gets away, though he’s injured. Back at his apartment, while he’s laying in his bed, the bloody headed mannequins come to life and rip him to shreds. However, when the police break in, presumably called in by Munro, they see that he has simply bled to death from his wound.

Joe Spinell gives quite a believable performance here, though I’m not so sure I buy it that the Munro’s Anna character would be remotely interested in him. What’s really worth checking out are all the early Tom Savini makeup effects. MANIAC remains on my top ten list of favorite serial killer movies. Directed by William Lustig (MANIAC COP).

Maniac on the Loose (2009)

Yes, there is indeed a maniac on the loose and he has escaped from the Madisonville Psychiatric Hospital with ease. Melissa, on her way to a blind date with a guy named Alex, hears the warning about the escapee on the radio and almost runs into a guy that looks to be the fugitive nutcase. When she arrives at Alex’s house she meets a creepy guy named Max (Hudgins) who informs her that Alex left for a few minutes but that he’ll be back. Then the movie flashbacks to when “Max” first arrived at the house. He knocks on the door and asks the owner if he can come in, since this is his childhood house. Alex agrees and lets him in, though it’s a mistake. Later, both Alex and Melissa wake up, bound, on a bed, and see a bunch of power tools on a nearby table. It looks as if “Max” is going to have some fun.

At the mental hospital, the doctor of the escaped patient seems like he’s having a mental breakdown himself because he can’t figure out how the guy escaped. Or how the media knows of the escape. Only three people were aware of the breakout—the doctor, his alcoholic secretary and a security guard by the cryptic name of “Ski Mask”, since he hides his identity from the mental patients. As the movie progresses you realize that there may indeed be more than one dangerous crazy person on the loose.

This is one of those movies in which you’re not quite sure what’s really going on, which is helped immensely by the non-linear construction of the narrative. This keeps you guessing. It’s also performance driven and fortunately all the actors are up to the task, including director Hudgins who portrays one of the more unbalanced ones. If you’re looking for a well-written ultra independent horror movie then check out Maniac on the Loose.

Maniacts (2003)

Equal parts drama, comedy, horror and psychological thriller, Maniacts is an extremely well-done film, a large part due to leads Jeff Fahey and Kellie Waymire. The opening scene, where the police break into a house to apprehend Joe (Fahey) is creepy, especially with all the dead bodies about, reminding me of those slasher movies from the 80’s. He’s taken to a prison/asylum where he does these really morbid-and hilarious-practical jokes on the inmates and staff. They keep on punishing him but to no effect. He eventually meets Beth, who is a bit delusional and psychotic, and they fall in love. He escapes but she’s stuck inside and is tortured by the prison workers. Unable to live without her he makes his way back in and frees not only her but all the inmates. They eventually make their way to an old farmhouse run by a crazy-old man, and could lead a quiet life. But Beth, who has the belief that she’s descended from royalty, wants to see the Queen of England when she’s visiting a nearby town. Things don’t go the way they expect them to. What I liked best about Maniacts is that the characters really do seem insane—and that they are likable anti-heroes.

Mansion of the Doomed (1977)

A deranged eye surgeon (Richard Basehart) seeks eyeballs for his blinded daughter, feeling responsible for her blindness because of a car accident they were in. In his gruesome search to restore her sight he starts kidnapping people (among them a young Lance Henriksen) and removing their eyes—and instead of killing them keeps them locked up in a cage down in his basement. At first the transplants work—but each time he does on it works less and less. He becomes more insane, his daughter’s appearance more scarred and horrible, and the number of angry blind people with their empty sockets grows. A real downward spiral going on here. Eventually the daughter catches on and releases all the prisoners, who rip out the doctor’s eyes in revenge. This is not a pleasant movie but it is one of the creepiest horror movies I’ve seen in a long time.

Mansquito (2005)

Tibor Takacs (The Gate & I, Madman), after taking on rodents in Rats (2003) now deals with the bloodsucking insects. A death-row convict volunteers to be experimented on and escapes the police at the laboratory. He takes a woman hostage and ends up killing her. He and a woman scientist are caught in one of the experimental rooms when there’s an explosion. He’s exposed to this mutative substance, which is imbedded in parts of his body. She’s also exposed, but to a far lesser degree. The criminal escapes and goes to his girlfriends, where he finishes transforming into the Mansquito. He then attacks her and drains her blood. The makeup effects are decent, sort of like The Fly, and it’s a cool-looking monster. Fortunately the filmmakers opted to stay primarily with the animatronics, until 2/3rd ways through the movie when the mosquito-man grows wings and flies about. About that point I hit the fast-forward button on my vcr.Corin Nemec portrays the investigating officer, who, by coincide, is dating that woman scientist. The Mansquito seems to be drawn to her because she has the mosquito DNA in her-and mating is the only thing besides feeding that he wants to do. There are the usual explosions at the end, the monster isn’t quite killed-and the woman scientist, half-transformed by this time, sacrifices herself in order to kill the creature. The movie ends up with the detective and his voice-over saying that ‘he lost everything he ever cared about’-and he walks off into the distance. Lame.

Manster, The (1959)

An American reporter, Larry Stanford, who is working for the Far East Times, interviews a Japanese scientist who has new theories about evolution and mutation. He doesn’t know it but the doctor is a “mad scientist”. In fact, his wife had volunteered for an early experiment and now he keeps her like an animal in a cage. She is horribly deformed. The doctor gets the idea to experiment on this American and injects him with a serum while he’s asleep. Then, he follows the guy back to Japan to make sure the experiment is working. It’s during this time Larry decides to leave his wife and start dating the doctor’s assistant, Tara. Slowly, the guy starts changing—and the first thing is a human eye that appears on his shoulder. Then, he grows another head that looks like a caveman’s. This two head creature, like a two-headed Mr. Hyde, goes around and kills people. Eventually, though, events take him back to the lair of the mad scientist and the reporter and this “growth” split, so now there’s two creatures— one is him, the other is a hairy ape-man.

I remember being creeped out by this when I was a kid and some parts are still effective. However, the whole morality story this tries to end with is laughable. An interesting version of Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde nevertheless...

Manticore (2005)

Another stinker from the Sci-Fi Channel, this time with a computer generated monster killing troops in Iraq. The creature looks like a gargoylized lion with wings and a scorpion tale. Robert Beltran (Night of the Comet, Eating Raoul) is the army sergeant who eventually kills it. It’s not even worth doing a review so I won’t.

Mardis Gras For the Devil (1991)

This movie starts with Michael Ironside performing a ritual and selling his soul to the devil. Robert Davi, a detective, and his partner witness a prositute being thrown out of an apartment window on the first day of Mardis Gras. They quickly investigate and come across Ironside. Davi’s partner is quickly killed and Ironside is shot several times and falls out another window. Yet, when all the other police show up at the crime scene there’s no sign of a body or even a trace of blood.Of course, Davi’s captain (John Amos of Beastmaster) doesn’t believe him and attributes this whole thing to him falling off the wagon, which he has. Why are all detectives in movies alcoholics? And why do they all have the exact same love lives (estranged from their wives, et cetera)? Anyway, when this captain sees the sketch artist’s rendition of the killer he immediately changes his tune-because he encountered the same man 20 years before on Mardis Gras. This man killed his partner (Davi’s father) and several women. It turns out that Ironside, a minion of Satan, returns from the dead every twenty-years to kill people during the three day Mardis Gras festival. There are several people flying through glass windows from great heights, cars flipping over (how does this happen when they don’t run into anything?) and all the stereotypical plot elements you figured there’d be in this generic horror/action movie. My biggest problem is that I think the casting of Ironside and Davi should have been reversed—Davi looks way more evil.

Mark of Dracula (1998)

There’s something amiss in the town of Shepperton...could it be the cloning of Dracula? Lucy Westenra, having survived the past one hundred years, has kept the still bloodied stake that killed her master in hopes of one day resurrecting him. This becomes possible through cloning. Once the king of the vampire is brought back to life he has that same scientist try to cure his aversion to sunlight—experimenting on victims he has turned into the undead. These experiments fail and they burn to a crisp, realized by some convincing special effects. Two couples, camping in the nearby hills, stumble upon the scientist’s house and are drawn into the vampiric vortex. Will Dracula take a new bride? Will he be able to walk into the sunlight once more? How many of the people of Shepperton will die? Ron Ford (director of Alien Force) treats his subject matter with respect and you can tell those Hammer films had some influence. Mark of Dracula is a worthy installment of the Dracula saga....

Mark of the Astro-Zombies (2002)

Ted V. Mikel’s newest is a direct sequel to his 70’s Astro-Zombies. Crocodile paper-mache headed aliens whose mouths don’t move, traveling on an asteroid, decide to conquer earth. They produce the Astro-Zombies, who run around in black outfits and kill innocent bystanders with machete’s. Soon, the President of the United States hears about it and theres a LOT of talk about what they should do in this crisis. After all, the aliens are billions and billions (in a Carl Sagan voice) of years more advanced than us. Eventually the good asteroid aliens come along and save the day. They have three ping-pong ball eyes each and look like monks. Tura Satana reprises her role from the original, there’s John Carradine’s head (a rubber cast) that is still alive after all these years (my favorite part) and Brinke Stevens who looks puzzled in every shot. Maybe it’s because she’s trying to figure out why the Astro-Zombies, if they’re so advanced, don’t use something more hi-tech than machetes. Or maybe she just showed up on the wrong movie set.?!?!?! Anyway, the best way to describe this movie is ‘Unbelievable Science-Fiction Horror!’ and we’ll leave it at that.

Mark of the Devil (1970)

What a mean-spirited movie! Damn. Herbert Lom portrays a witchfinder general in the 17th Century who randomly condemns people to death for witchery. At his side is a very young Udo Kier, who is in-training for this nasty job. Lots of good looking women are raped and tortured in some excruciating scenes, with limbs stretched on racks, tongues pulled out and lots of fires. When Udo falls in love with a local barmaid she’s blamed as being a witch and he does nothing at first to save her. But after he sees his mentor kill another man in cold blood, a man who spouts what a fake he is, Udo frees the woman and tries to get away.

Mars (1998)

In the near future a large corporation runs a mining colony on Mars. Workers are getting sick from some mysterious plague but it doesn’t close down the production. A man, carrying a duffel-bag, is chased by some bad guys and when caught is forced to go outside without a space-suit. Weeks later his brother (Olivier Gruner of Nemesis), who works for the corporation, comes to investigate the death. He meets with the boss of the company, who we all know is somehow connected with his brother’s death. He also befriends a doctor (Shari Belafonte), who suspects something about that plague. It isn’t until they meet “Pete the Hermit” (an unrecognizable Scott Valentine) that they find out that the duffel bag his brother carried contained his son-who was deformed from the virus. This comes off like a really cheap version of Total Recall or Outland. Indeed, another lame movie by director Jon Hess (Alligator 2: The Mutation, Legion, Watchers)

Mars Needs Moms (2011)

In this computer animated movie ten-year-old Milo’s (voice of Seth Green) mother (Joan Cusack) is kidnapped by Martians and he stows away aboard the craft. On Mars he sees this underground Martian civilization. There, he encounters another human, Gribble, a guy who seems to be in this thirties. He lives in the civilization’s dumping grounds, where all the Martian males seem to live. You see, the women are the “logical” ones who run the city while the males are more “touchy feely”, so don’t fit into the society. Martian children simply pop out of the dirt every few years but since they don’t have mothers, they are cared for by robot nannies. This is the reason they need Milo’s mother— they are going to transfer her “motherness” into programming these robot nannies. But this will kill her. He finds this all out from Gribble, as Gribble had been a stowaway as well all those years ago. There’s also Ki, a young martian woman who rebels against her rigid society and ends up helping the two of them.

Yes, this movie is for kids but it’s as entertaining as How to Train Your Dragon or Shrek. Recommended.

Marsh, The (2007)

A weary looking Gabrielle Anwar (Body Snatchers) portrays a children’s book author who takes a vacation at a country home because it looks like the place she regularly visits in her dreams. Well, it turns out that what she was dreaming are actually memories of something terrible that happened to her as a child. The old farmhouse is haunted - but is the ghost of her youth haunting the place. Also on hand is Forest Whitaker (The New Twilight Zone) as a supernatural investigator who seems way out of place in the small town (he is the only black guy). The Marsh is a very middle-of-the-road ghost story and you won’t be at all surprised as to what the “surprises” are.

Master of the Flying Guillotine (1975)

This is the weakest of the three Flying Guillotine movies, primarily because the Guillotine doesn’t have a lot to do with the movie. An old blind master of the flying Guillotine is sent by his boss to slay the one-armed boxer, who is a teacher of a special type of kung fu. This guy can literally walk up walls and on ceilings. There are lots of fights during a contest scene-and later the one armed boxer is pitted against some of these winners. One of them is an Indian with a Turban, who fights in ‘Praying Mantis’ style. When he fights his arms become really long (like ten feet!), which is extremely creepy looking. It reminded me of that scene in the first Nightmare on Elm Street movie where Freddy is walking down the dark alley with these long ass arms.Anyways, the one-armed boxer and the master eventually fight and the boxer wins. Also known as Master vs. The One Armed Boxer.

Masters of Horror (2005-2007)

Masters of Horror is one of the best television horror series to date, content and gore mostly unrestrained by Showtime.

Don Coscarelli’s segment An Incident on and off a Mountain Road, which is based on a Joe Lansdale short-story is the creepier of the two. A woman driving through the mountains at night runs into a car stopped on the road. She crashes into it, then goes to see if the other people are hurt. She finds an empty car-and a trail of blood leading over the edge of a cliff. At first she thinks the person is injured-but when they come up she sees it’s this crazy looking albino guy and his victim, who is crying for help. The movie cuts back and forth with her trying to outwit and fight this monster-to flashbacks with her survivalist husband, who forced her to learn how to defend herself, something which is now coming in very handy. She is eventually taken prisoner in his house which has dozens of rotted bodies staked out on crosses in the yard. There’s a crazy old man (Angus Scrimm), who tries to talk to her but he’s of no help-and may actually be helping the creature he calls “Moon Face”.

The Stuart Gordon directed episode, The Black Cat, is one of the best adaptations of Poe’s story to date, featuring Jeffrey Combs (The Beyond, Re-Animator) as Edgar A. Poe. The story deftly combines the biographical story of Poe, of him trying to care for his sick, dying wife, while trying to come up with a new story for the publishers, which turns out to be the story of The Black Cat. Halfway through, the viewer isn’t sure if what’s going on is really happening or just in Poe’s alchohol affected brain. Although the special effects don’t happen well until a half hour, the cat eye gouging and the ax in the head will make you cringe.

Chocolate, directed by Mick Garris and based on his own short story, seems a bit misplaced here, as there’s not much that’s horrific or even gory. A lonely man starts getting visions through the eyes of a woman and eventually falls in love with her. He manages to find out who she is and eventually goes to meet up with her, to see if she’s seeing things through his eyes and if the emotions he is feeling are mutual. The crux of the problems is that he knows that she killed her former boyfriend. She also thinks he’s utterly crazy-and things go downhill from there. Granted, I liked this better than Garris’ Stephen King adaptations, but it still seemed somehow unfinished...

John Carpenter’s Cigarette Burns is about a man who is hired to find a lost film by an eclectic horror collector (Udo Kier). To prove to the man that this lost film has some power, Kier shows him a creature he has chained in his house. It’s the remnant of an Angel that had been tortured in the movie. On his trek the man is haunted by his wife who committed suicide, and he discovers some of the people who have seen the film, or parts of it, and that they’ve gone insane. I found this to be a creepy little movie-and it’s the first time I ever saw someone try to thread their own intestines through a film projector! Whew!

In the Tobe Hooper directed The Damned Thing (2007) Sean Patrick Flanery (Dead Zone Tv series) portrays a sheriff in the small town of Cloverdale, Texas, who is visited by ‘The Damned Thing’ on his birthday. This age is the same age both his father and grandfather met their grisly deaths - and it has something to do with the oil fields.

In tone, it’s similar to The Screwfly Solution, in which the father goes crazy and you’re not sure if he’s going to kill the rest of his family. The scene where his father gets ripped to shreds by an invisible creature is impressive and the best thing about it. Ted Raimi is miscast as a priest. Based on the short story by Ambrose Bierce.

Next to Imprint, this Tobe Hooper directed episode, Dance of Death, is the most disturbing ‘Masters of Horror’ episode yet. In the near future, after World War III, a woman and her teenaged daughter continue to run a dingy diner. The trouble starts when a group of wild teenagers come in - one of whom has his eye on the daughter. She’s stifled by her drab, overprotected existence so she gravitates toward this wild guy. She even agrees to sneaking out with him one night and going to a decadent, Mad Max-like city nearby. There, they go to an insane club where the entertainment includes watching zombies dance around with the help of cattle prods. But one of these zombies turns out to be her recently deceased sister, who the mother had viewed as a nuisance?

Robert England is perfectly cast as the decadent, diseased D.J. of the club, who likes to take advantage of all those female zombies.

Deer Woman, directed by John Landis, concerns a depressed detective (Brian Benben) who is investigating a string of very weird and violent murders. From how the bodies are found it looks as if they were trampled to death by hooves. It turns out that it’s because of the Deer Woman, who is human from the waist up but has these deer legs. She seduces men and then kills them. The episode comes off like an okay episode of the original The Night Stalker series. The funniest thing in it is an offhand reference to events in An American Werewolf in London.

The feature length episode, Dream Cruise based on story by guy who wrote Dark Water and The Ring. Daniel Gilles (Captivity, Spiderman 2) is a lawyer working for a company in Japan for two years, who is having an affair with the wife of one of their top clients. The client invites him out onto his yacht, for an afternoon boating trip - and he suspects that the man has discovered the illicit affair. There are some good characters here and tense moments but the story is somewhat predictable (I think people trapped on a boat or ship with something trying to kill them has become its own sub-genre at this point). It reminded me a little bit of the Australian movie The Ferryman.

However, I found Stuart Gordon’s Dreams in the Witchhouse episode to be too boring and I kept on falling asleep during it (which is probably appropriate, as it has a dream-like feel to it). It felt as if I’d seen this movie before and done better.

In this William Malone (Creature, Feartdotcom) directed episode, Fair Haired Child, a strange couple has made a pact with the devil to bring their son back from the dead - but it has a terrible price for this son. Whey they abduct a young woman and throw her down into the basement, where he is kept, the tale is revealed - how he transforms into this truly disturbing looking creature that kills. However, he’s able to turn the tables on them in the end. Although it’s basically a re-working of “The Monkey’s Paw” story, it continues to work. Malone has also been one of my favorite horror directors since Creature.

The  John Landis directed episode, Family, casts John Wendt (Cheers) as a portly serial killer who removes the flesh from his victims and dresses up the skeletons and displays them in his home. Basically, he is assembling his own “perfect” family. When a young married couple moves in next door things become complicated, as he’s attracted to the woman and desires to add her to his collection. But things are not quite as they seem and he may be the one who meets a gruesome demise. I enjoyed this better than Landis’ previous episode, Deer Woman as it’s more straightforward, more of a “Tales from the Crypt” episode.

Haeckel’s Tale has it all - zombies, necrophilia and some gruesome special effects. A young medical student in early America has a “Frankenstein Complex” and wants to bring the dead back to life. He comes across a Necromancer who may indeed have that secret, but he’s skeptical at first. However, once he meets and old man and his young wife in the woods one night he’s convinced of the truth of it, for the woman goes to the nearby graveyard to make love to her previous, deceased husband. Although the ending isn’t exactly a big surprise it is disturbing, especially the part with the baby. Directed by James McNaughton (Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer), based on a short-story by Clive Barker (Hellraiser).

Joe Dante’s episode, Homecoming, is interesting, about soldiers from the War in Iraq returning from the dead in order to vote at the new Presidential election. The story revolves around two political reporters-one the “All American” looking guy, the other the skanky blonde—and the extent they’ll go to to further their own careers. But when the Presidential Election ends up being rigged and the guy the zombies voted for isn’t elected, the undead call in reinforcements from all the previous wars the US has fought.

Homecoming is a cool idea and a decidedly different sort of zombie tale.

Imprint was “banned from television” (Showtime), which usually means that it’s just too intense for your “average” viewer. Little did I realize how intense and unpleasant this 60-minute movie would be. When we see the bloated, floating corpse within the first few minutes this immediately sets the tone. This is one serious, grim, unpleasant and even shocking little horror movie. In the mid 1800’s a man named Christopher (Billy Drago) travels to an island in Japan to “rescue” a woman he says he’s in love with. He had left her a short time before with the promise of his return, but he discovers that he’s returned too late. The island he is on harbors an enclave of whores and he spends the night with one of them, a facially deformed woman who has a terrible secret. Drago’s performance is toned down for a change, which is good, and the story unpredictable. The viewer knows that there’s going to be a surprise ending-and it’s a good one. The special effects, particularly all the dead babies, are also convincing. After you’re done watching this short you’re left with the feeling of “Damn, perhaps I shouldn’t have watched that”.  Directed by Takashi Miike.

The Dario Argento directed episode, Jenifer,  is extremely messed up - and I mean that in a good way. A detective (Steve Weber) rescues a young woman from being killed by a demented homeless guy, only to find that her face is horribly disfigured. She looks like a shark-like animal. However, a connection is made and he feels badly about leaving her on her own, as she may be mentally impaired. So he ends up taking her home after being unable to find a place for her to stay, much to the dismay of his wife, who promptly leaves him. He even starts to have sex with Jenifer - and continues to protect her when she first kills and eats his cat - and then a child who lives next door. He takes off with her to a rural town and slowly loses his sanity in the process. Jenifer is a fascinating character in that she can seem utterly helpless one moment and then a feral animal the next - and she’s totally in control over the men who “look after her”.

In Pelts a furrier (Meat Loaf Aday) comes across some beautiful raccoon pelts that were obtained by his supplier (John Saxon), who is horribly slain. He takes the skins back to his shop, where he has his workers form them into a special coat. But whoever touches the pelts meets a horrible, self-inflicted demise, that involves cutting or stitching. Meatloaf has the hots for a local stripper and wants her to wear the coat, only things don’t turn out exactly as he wishes. This is not quite as disturbing as Jenifer, also directed by Dario Argento.

In Pro-Life Ron Perlman (Hellboy, the original Beauty & The Beast TV series) portrays a pro-lifer who wants to retrieve his teenaged, pregnant daughter from behind the locked gates of a local abortion clinic he has a restraining order from. The doctors at the clinic believe Perlman is the father, only it’s far worse than that. She’s been impregnated by a demon - and the child is rapidly gestating. This episode has elements of Carpenter’s previous movies Prince of Darkness, The Thing and even Assault on Precinct 13. Perlman gives another intense performance and the demon special effects are superb.

In Right to Die a husband (Martin Donovan) and wife are in a car accident in which the wife is horribly burned yet left alive. When she dies in the hospital she gains power as a spirit and tries to do harm to her hubby, but before she can do so she’s brought back to life. Through flashbacks we’re shown just why she’s so angry at him and it doesn’t just have to do with the fact that he was cheating on her with his secretary. Once he figures it out that if she dies she will kill him he wants to keep her alive. But first, he must get her new skin for a skin transplant. This episode features some nasty make-up effects. I cringed every time I saw the woman’s burned body.

In The Screwfly Solution, directed by Joe Dante, there’s a sudden, inexplicable rise in the killing of women across the country, which quickly escalates to thousands - and millions. The CDC sends in a woman scientist to investigate but she’s killed by the infected male members of her group. It’s up to another scientist (Jason Priestley) and his friend (Elliott Gould) to figure out what is happening. At first it seems as if it’s a radical religious movement but that’s just a symptom of the real cause. Something - a virus or pheromone - is compelling human males to kill all the females, which would mean the human race will become extinct. Much of the story revolves around the central character of the scientist’s wife, who is a therapist at a battered women’s shelter in Ann Arbor, Michigan. With his prompting, she flees with her daughter to the North, where it may be safe. It isn’t. In the end, there’s a chilling revelation as to what’s responsible for humanity’s destruction.

Sick Girl, directed by Lucky McKee (May), is about a lesbian entomologist (Angela Bettis of Toolbox Murders) who is sent a strange insect in the mail. This creature infects her new girlfriend, Misty (Misty Mundae of E.I. Cinema fame!), and people start to die. The special effects are good and the story quirky enough, but it seemed about twenty-minutes too long.

Sounds Like is like an old Twilight Zone episode gone wild and gory. A drab guy named Larry, who is a manager at a tech support company, starts hearing everything. This is a problem, since his job at work is to monitor service calls. We find out that he hasn’t been dealing with the death of his young son very well and his increasing sensitivity to sound may be because of this. It gets to the point that raindrops sound like jackhammers. He even goes into a library for refuge but can’t even stand the sound of people turning pages of a book or the typing on a keyboard. Eventually he does find a way to make things more quiet, at the expense of his wife. This is one of those stories in which the character starts off in a bad place and things get worse and worse....

In The V Word two high school buddies sneak in to a funeral home to see the dead body of someone they knew, who died in a car accident. However, they meet an unexpected problem in the form of Mr. Chaney (Michael Ironside of Terminator: Salvation) . He was their old math teacher who was caught molesting teenaged boys. He’s also dead and a vampire. He attacks one of the guys while the other flees home, thinking his friend dead. Only his friend shows up later on and attacks him—and transforms him into a vampire. But the nearest blood supply is his mother and young sister—and he doesn’t want to kill them. This is a very grim tale.

A struggling young writer moves into an old apartment building occupied by a bunch of other non-published authors and meets a ghost named Valerie in Valerie on the Stairs. He keeps on seeing her on the top stairs of the building and she’s usually accompanied by an evil looking horned demon (Tony Todd) who drags her away. The writer starts feeling protective of her and wants to help her. What he discovers is not at all what he - or the viewer - expects. He must go through the wall, into the lair of the blood demon to save this woman, though the chances of that aren’t likely. This is one of the best things I’ve seen Mick Garris direct and validates why he’s the creative force behind Masters of Horror.

In The Washingtonians Mike Franks (Johnathon Schaech of QUARANTINE) and his wife and ten-year-old daughter stay at the house of his late grandmother. She had just died and they’ve come for her funeral. The daughter is terrified of this painting of George Washington that’s in the basement and accidently knocks it over, uncovering a note that was hidden in its corner. The note, written by “GW”, talks about eating children. Then, after he mentions this to an old friend of his grandfather’s, he’s chased by a guy on horseback the next day—and then a guy dressed up in a powdered wig and revolutionary clothes comes pounding on the door. Mike contacts a history professor, Harkinson (Saul Rubinek of Warehouse 13) and he reveals that these guys are The Washingtonians— a modern day cannibalistic society that follows a tradition started by George Washington, who was really a killer and cannibal. This is creepy, particularly all these insane guys dressed like Washington, complete with the wooden teeth. If felt, though, that the “happy ending” kind of undead the dread of the piece and was too easily resolved.

In We All Scream for Ice Cream a mentally retarded Ice Cream Man named Buster (William Forsyth of The Devil’s Rejects, Rob Zombie’s Halloween) is killed by accident by a group of kids - and he returns thirty years later to get vengeance through their own children. The twist is that when the kids eat his ice cream the fathers melt like a drippy ice cream cone. William Forsyth is sympathetic as the clown - and also extremely sinister as the returned-from-the-dead-spirit. Although this is a good enough episode of the series, I never really understood why someone incapable of such rage or anger in their lifetime would become the opposite after they died. Another example of this is Dark Night of the Scarecrow, in which a retarded man is killed by a group of malicious rednecks for a crime he didn’t do - and comes back as a reanimated scarecrow and kills them one by one. Directed by Tom Holland (Fright Night, Child’s Play)

Masters of Science-Fiction (2007)

This aired on Network Television, their answer to Masters of Horror. Of the six episodes, the best stories are A Clean Escape, in which a dying, cancer ridden psychiatrist (Judy Davis) is desperately trying to help a patient (Sam Waterston) regain his memory of the past twenty-years. The Awakening is sort of a variation of The Day the Earth Stood Still, with aliens arriving on Earth with a message of peace. The worst episodes are Jerry was a Man, about a trazillionaire couple (one of them a really irritating Anne Heche) who adopt a humanoid flesh robot and Watchbird, in which Sean Astin is a scientist who creates bird robots to enforce the law. Unfortunately, these could be replaceable with any Outer Limits episode.

Stephen Hawking does the voice-over at the beginning, which may have been a cool idea but is a horrible mistake. That robot voice is too goofy. He should definitely keep his day job.

Matrix, The (1999)

A computer hacker, Neo (Keanu Reeves), senses that something is amiss with his world. He just can’t put his finger on it. He runs into Trinity (Carrie Anne Moss), who he knows is a fellow hacker and alludes that she may have some answers. He gets a mysterious call from Morpheus, who says he can offer information about The Matrix, which may be the crux of everything. When he meets Morpheus face to face he’s given a choice of ingesting two pills. If he takes the red one he’ll find out the truth. If he takes the blue one he’ll forget everything and believe this all a dream. He takes the red one—and awakens in a bleak future where humans are grown on farms as living batteries, powering the sentient machines that have overtaken the planet. He’s rescued by the real-life Morpheus and Trinity and their crew, who have a big hovercraft they use to navigate this weird world.

Their primary enemies are Mr. Smith (Hugo Weaving of Lord of the Rings trilogy and Captain America: The First Avenger) and the sentient computer programs that hunt the rogue humans down. Morpheus believes that Neo is “the one”, that he’ll be humanity’s savior. Neo isn’t quite sure he believes this or wants the responsibility. But there is a traitor in their midst that may undo everything...

I hadn’t seen this movie in over a decade and it holds up extremely well. It is a unique vision of the future.

Matrix Reloaded (2003)

With expectations so high for the second Matrix movie there’s bound to be some disappointment, not because the movie is inferior but because the first was so unique. So what the Wachowsky brothers did with Reloaded was to make a completely different movie, in both tone and style. And it’s even more thematically complicated than the first was. We’re introduced to the humans’ underground city of Zion, where quarter of a million people live within this massive cavern, Neo and Trinity are together and Morpheus still leads them. They’ve uncovered that the machines are drilling down to them and that their last stand is nearing. There are some surprising revelations concerning Neo and the Oracle-and we’re even introduced to the creator of the Matrix. As far as action sequences there are some here that surpass any in the first movie, particularly this fifteen-minute car chase that is mind boggling. And the scene where Neo fights a hundred copies of ‘Mr Smith’ is nearly as impressive. Don’t be expecting a repeat of the first movie-this is something entirely new, taking characters and situations in different, unexpected directions. Doing exactly what a sequel should.

Matrix Revolutions (2003)

The third and final Matrix movie brings everything to a satisfying conclusion. Neo is stuck in between reality and the Matrix, in a sort of limbo, and must be rescued by Trinity and Morpheus, who get the help of the Frenchman. In the meantime, the machines are digging their way down to the human city of Zion-and in less than twenty-hours will breach the wall. This whole battle with the humans against the machines is pretty amazing, the equivalent of the highway scene in Matrix Reloaded. Simply jaw dropping. This movie is much darker than the previous two and some of the pivotal characters don’t survive. What is finally revealed about the nature of the Matrix and the machines makes sense and to be honest I kind of expected it. It works.

Max Payne (2008)

This movie is much different then I would have thought from seeing the previews, which make it seem like a surreal fantasy like Daywatch or The Spirit. It’s really a revenge film noir that has some very cool nightmare/drug induced scenes.

Detective Max Payne’s (Mark Wahlberg) wife and newborn baby were killed during a break in robbery to his home. He managed to shoot two of the people but the third one got away. Now, years later, he’s relegated to working in the police department’s filing room. Yet he’s still trying to solve his wife’s murder. His former partner gets a clue, which leads him to an underground bar. There he meets a girl who he takes back to his apartment. When she leaves she’s attacked by something and the police find his wallet amongst her ripped and dismembered body. He learns that it may involve a new street drug which makes people feel invincible. However, a side-effect of this are bad hallucinations of angels and demons. The dead girl’s sister, Mona, thinks he’s somehow responsible at first, but ends up teaming up with him.

Payne ultimately finds out that the pharmaceutical company his wife worked for is responsible for her death—and for creating this drug. At one point Max is left for dead in the icy East River and the only way he can recover—and hope for revenge, is to take that drug, though it may kill him. At this point there are some very cool images, of a sky on fire and dark winged demons/angels flying about. Yet it’s implied that all this is in his (and the others’) minds, not that they are seeing another dimension or anything like that.

I’m not sure how this compares to the video game upon which it is based but as an action thriller it works very well.

May (2003)

Angela Bettis, who did a great job in the TV remake of Carrie, portrays May, a very troubled young woman who has a special friend. This friend is a doll her mother gave her, that’s encased in a glass box. She was told never to open it so she just talks to the creepy looking toy, which is also her best friend. As an adult she works as a vet assistant and has no qualms dealing with the gory stuff. She becomes infatuated with a man she sees on her way to work (Jeremy Sisko) and ends up dating him. She tells him she loves his hands. But when things get too weird, like when she bites him and draws blood, he stops seeing her, much to her dismay. May has other friends as well, such as a lesbian is the receptionist where she works. She really likes her neck. Well, none of May’s relationships work out so she decides to make a friend when all else fails.This is an extremely engaging movie, great performances, creepy undertone and some gory effects. Although the ending stole from Dark Night of the Scarecrow it still worked.MAY is one of the best horror movies of 2003.

Maya (1989)

In a small South American village an anthropologist is killed, with his heart knifed out, and his blonde daughter starts to investigate. She runs into one of her father’s friends, a young, irresponsible American, one thing leads to another and they become more than friends. More people in the village are killed in mysterious ways, as if from an invisible force. This includes the man’s ex-girlfriend, who is battered to death in a bathtub, her face literally banged off, and the anthropologist’s girflriend as well, who is hung by large fish hooks, her throat ripped open. It turns out that the majority of the town still practices the ancient Mayan religion, which includes human sacrifice. After saving a small boy from the bloody altar the two decide to leave the country—but in the end cannot escape the power of the Maya...

Mayhem Motel (2001)

First off, this film isn’t for everyone. But if you’re a fan of David Lynch or early John Waters then this is right up your alley (or orifice). It’s about the events that happen in a single night at a cheap motel, basically a series of vignettes, in which we see everything from spanking to vomiting to murder. I was indeed disturbed—not necessarily a bad thing. Recommended. Directed by Karl Kempter.

McCloud Meets Dracula (1977)

I think this was a two-part episode from the McCloud TV series in the 70’s, released later as a movie. Here, McCloud is in New York City getting some training and is stuck investigating these weird deaths, where the victims are drained of blood. This piques the interest of his girlfriend reporter (Diana Mulduar), who is writing a book on vampires. Well, everyone thinks it’s a modern day Dracula doing the killings, including the forensic guy. Coincidently (or is it?) an aging actor named Lorne Belasco (John Carradine), who had portrayed Dracula in numerous movies, is appearing on a local talk show, opposite that reporter. He stresses that he is a descendent of the real Dracula and that he has embraced his heritage. McCloud and his girlfriend do some investigating at Belasco’s house-and see that he’s obsessed with being a vampire. He even sleeps in a coffin. In the end he flees the police, with McCloud chasing him along the New York City rooftops. They end up at one of the bridges crossing the East River and Belasco jumps-saying he can fly. The only thing the authorities find of him is his Dracula cape. Everything is left rather vague-you think he’s just an old kook sometimes, then you think he really is a vampire, reminding me of an episode of Kolchak: The Night Stalker. An amusing detour in the vampire mythos. Written by Glen Larson.

Medium (2005)

In the pilot for the seven season series, we’re introduced to Allison Dubois (Patricia Arquette), a mother of three who is going to law school and doing an internship under the Phoenix District Attorney, Manuel Devalos. She has a conflict with her psychic/supernatural abilities and tries to ignore them for the most part. When Devalos finds out about her unique ability and puts her to work selecting jury members, she realizes that her emotions and feelings make her too close to the cases. She has doubts she can even become a lawyer because she always knows when someone is guilty or innocent. However, she does use her ability to help solve a crime—she’s finding evidence to convict a 17 year old boy of killing and abusing a six year old. She knows he did it because she gets this information from his dead sister, who had seen everything from “the otherside”. This brings Allison to the attention of the Texas Rangers, namely Captain Kenneth Push (Arliss Howard), who will continue to make appearances throughout the next seven years. I hadn’t seen this first episode since it premiered and I’m surprised how much it’s influenced by The Sixth Sense.

Medusa’s Child (1997)

John Glover (Smallville, Gremlins 2) portrays a bitter ex-government scientist who has created a mock-up of an electromagnetic pulse bomb, which he wants to send to the Pentagon before he dies. He convinces his ex-wife to take it there, saying it’s a last wish because he’s dying of cancer. She reluctantly complies and takes the big crate on a private cargo plane flown by Vincent Spano (Rats). It turns out that the mockup is a real bomb-and it’s equipped with a mind of its own-the mind of its creator. Both the crew and the government have to figure out how to stop it before it explodes-and the clock is ticking. This was a four-hour movie, which was two hours too long. The women characters are surprisingly bitchy and very unpleasant, which I thought was interesting, but the story got way too melodramatic at times. John Glover is always good to see as a villain, though.

Meeting Evil (2012)

John (Luke Wilson) is a real Estate agent who is having a very bad day. He’s fired from his job and comes home to a stack of unpaid bills—and the pool guy leaving his house, which suggests his wife (Leslie Bibb of Midnight Meat Train) is having an affair. They get in a fight after they startle him—and she takes off with the two fat kids. Then he gets a knock at the door. It’s Richie (Samuel Jackson), a black guy in a hat who says that his car stalled out front and he needs help. John pushes the car and is injured—and Richie agrees to take him to the nearby hospital. But they don’t go to the hospital. Instead, it’s a surreal ride into the nearby town and countryside—and dozens of slain bodies follow their wake. Is Richie a serial killer? And why did he single out John to mess with? Or is this mysterious evil man a figment of John’s imagination and he’s snapped, killing everyone in his way?

This is basically a crappy version of The Hitcher, with many awkward moments and lame dialogue. It’s sort of amazing that the writer and director managed to make everyone involved look so bad, as it’s the worst movie both Wilson and Jackson have starred in. NOT recommended unless you wish to torture yourself.

Meg Shark vs. Crocosaurus (2010)

No, this isn’t the newest Roger Corman movie—it’s something far far worse, yet another insulting horror/monster flick from The Asylum. In Africa some diamond miners awaken a gigantic prehistoric crocodile, which proceeds to eat everyone. It looks like a cartoon crocodile, similar to the unconvincing creatures in Lake Placid 3. Then we go to the other side of the world, on a Navy ship, where Dr. Terry McCormick (Jaleel White) is studying a giant Megalodon shark. The Admiral of the ship is portrayed by Robert Picardo, who does his best to get through the lame dialogue. Eventually the two giant creatures meet up and there’s a battle, though this lasts about 30 seconds. It ends with them locked in a death struggle and falling into the earth’s molten mantle. While I can suspend my disbelief that it’s possible for two gigantous prehistoric creatures can survive to present day, I simply could not believe that Urkel was the film’s hero.

Megalodon (2004)

Nexecon Petroleum has constructed the world’s largest drilling and refining platform, located off the coast of Greenland. Before it is to drill down 5,000 feet they invite a news crew to record the event. Yet instead of oil they drill into a huge fissure, which releases prehistoric fish that have been living there for millions and millions of years. The first casualty is a worker who is bitten by this prehistoric bottom dwelling fish, which gives him a deadly infection. Then, on a trip to the bottom of the ocean in this type of elevator, they get stuck when the megaladon appears and attacks them. It first kills a guy driving one of the mini-subs and then goes for the larger kill. The shark itself is cool looking but the computer animation of the refining station, the Atlantic ocean and helicopters looks extremely fake, like a video game. I think almost every exterior shot is computer generated, which hints at how low the budget was. On the up side the story and characters are interesting, better than either Shark Attack III or that other Megalodon movie, the name of which slips my mind.Directed by Pat Corbitt and Gary J. Tunnicliffe.

Megamind (2010)

This animated movie addresses all of the superhero/supervillain cliches and stereotypes with much success. Villain Megamind (Will Ferrell) and his nemesis, Metro Man (Brad Pitt), have the similar origin story of being sent to earth as infants as their solar system was destroyed. While Metro Man’s craft landed with a family, his landed in a prison. Years later, Megamind manages to defeat Metro Man,which leaves a void in his life. He manages to become close to reporter Roxanne Ritchie (voice of Tina Fey) when he disguises himself as a human. Otherwise, he’s bored since there’s no challenge. So he gets the bright idea of creating a new superhero to pit himself against, only this goes horribly wrong and the guy ends up becoming a super-villain. So the roles become reversed and Megamind must step in as the city’s new superhero.

I found this to be an extremely entertaining movie. I particularly liked the sidekick, Minion (voice of David Cross of Scary Movie), which looks like Robot Monster with the addition of an alien fish swimming in the helmet part. Recommended.

Megiddo: The Omega Code 2 (2001)

As an ‘end of the world’ movie, this is decent enough, with a great performance by Michael York as ‘The Anti-Christ’ (though he’s never referred to as that). The movie centers around two brothers, Stone Alexander and David Alexander. When Stone is seven-years-old he tries to kill his newborn brother, blaming him for the death of their mother. But he’s caught by the nanny just in time and his father (David Heddison of Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea) sends him off to a European military academy run by Franco Nero. There, he grows up and eventually becomes leader of the European Union and then leader of most of the world. Michael Biehn portrays the adult David Alexander, who is vice-president and then President. In the end he must confront his brother and stop him. The movie is well cast, with R. Lee Ermey as President Benson and Diane Venora (Wolfen, FX) as Stone’s wife. Omen III: The Final Conflict is a far better picture.The irritating part about Megiddo is that it’s a Faith Movements TBN Production, ‘Christian’ film, and there’s this goofy prologue by ‘religious experts’ who direly tell us that the Apocalypse is indeed coming soon and that we should carefully watch the following movie. Even from a bible quoting standpoint most of the movie is made up! Also, the Europeans and rest of the world are seen as the bad guys, the USA are the good and the American President ultimately ends up being the savior. Fiction yes indeed. Directed by Brian Trenchard-Smith (Leprechaun 3 & 4, Night of the Demons 2, Atomic Dog)

Meltdown (2004)

In this made for television docu-drama, a group of terrorists overtake a nuclear power plant on the California Coast. It’s back and forth between the government guys, led by Bruce Greenwood (Star Trek, Nowhere Man, and the terrorists. Midway through, though, you start thinking that they’re not exactly what they seem to be-and it turns out that the masked men aren’t foreigners at all but American soldiers. What is their agenda? Do they plan on have the reactor melt down? The answer is interesting and the movie gets its point across.

Memorial Day (2005)

How’s this for an original idea? A group of college-aged couples go up to a secluded lake, where years before a young, ‘special needs’ boy drowned because they weren’t watching him. Now, they are being killed one by one by a masked killer...I also have the question as to why, when the killer is finally revealed to be someone you thought was ‘normal’, that they all of a sudden get all twitchy and bug-eyed and shit, as if the insanity is cumulative or something. Although this is pretty much Friday the 13th, the cast is likable and the pacing is quick. Also, everyone is killed in a different way, with a different weapon. The movie ends almost how you think it will-except for an unexpected twist, which actually works well. Directed by Christopher Alender.

Memories of Murder (2003)

This is an odd movie from Korea, based on that country’s hunt for their first official “serial killer”. The film primarily deals with the detectives involved in the investigation of the slayings-and they aren’t above torturing suspects to get answers. One of the innocent people arrested is a local retarded man, who was actually a witness to one of the killings. We’re never sure who the killer is and we never see the murders, just the aftermath. As these type of movies go, it’s just “so so”. Memories of Murder is also not the best representation of Korea’s law enforcement, as the trio come off like a version of The Three Stooges.

Memory (2007)

A doctor (Billy Zane) who is in Brazil for a conference gets called in by the doctors at a local hospital to look at a patient’s MRI. He has tumors in all the exact spots where memory is stored, which is very unlikely to occur. The patient is a “John Doe” and covered in a red substance one of the native tribes use in their rituals. The doctor comes in to contact with this substance when there’s a rip in his latex glove - and is affected by these intense daydreams and nightmares, which turn out to be memories. Just whose memories they are is the crux of the story. He learns that the man in the hospital was an anthropologist doing a paper on this tribe and that this powder contains a substance from the human pituitary gland and is a strong hallucinogen. Part of the doctor’s visions consist of a child killer, who makes casts of their faces. Is his father, who supposedly died before he was born, a killer? And who is stalking him now as he gets closer to the truth?  This movie has a great cast, with Ann Margret and Tricia Helfer (new Battlestar Galactica but Zane can’t quite carry the movie and his wig was fairly distracting.

MEN IN BLACK 3 (2012)

Agent J (Will Smith) goes back in time to 1969 to prevent the death of his partner, Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones), by “Boris the Animal”, a disgusting alien who has escaped from his prison on the moon and wants to lead an invasion on Earth. Back in time, Agent J must deal with a younger version of his partner (portrayed by Josh Brolin, who has the Tommy Lee Jones impression down pat). It seems that Agent K was interested in agent O (Alice Eve of The Raven) but never pursued it. In fact, the entire reason why he’s so emotionless in his job is explained. Part 3 is as good as the first film, far better than the second, and links everything together.

Mephisto Waltz, The (1971)

Alan Alda is a writer who interviews a famous pianist-and becomes involved with some devil worshippers and body snatching. Upon seeing Alda’s hands the pianist insists that Alda has the potential to be a great pianist himself-and starts influencing his life. Alda’s wife though, portrayed by Jaqueline Bisset, isn’t too keen on the idea and repeatedly says as much. When the old pianist dies-and her husband starts acting like him and playing the piano like him-she becomes very suspicious and soon learns that her husband really isn’t there anymore. If you enjoyed Rosemary’s Baby and The Omen you’ll dig this movie.

Mercy Point (1998)

This short-lived science-fiction television series takes place on an experimental space hospital station, on the fringes of explored space, where both humans and aliens are treated. The majority of the stories revolve around two doctors, who are sisters, Haylen Breslauer (Maria del Mar) and Dru Breslauer (Alexandra Wilson). They don’t get along, because of what has happened in their past. There’s also Dr. Grote Maxwell (Joe Morton of Eureka) and Dr. C.J. Jurado, who had a past relationship with Dru. Basically, it’s “ER in space”.

What I like about this show is that it features some truly alien-looking aliens, such as Dr. Batung, who looks like a big slug. There’s also Ani, an android nurse who starts to become human after being infected by an alien computer virus. Fortunately the eight episodes do finish up the threads of the story line, so I wasn’t left hanging. The show reminded me a lot of S.L. Viehl’s Stardoc book series for some reason, mostly obviously because of the human doctors working on alien patients. The unsold pilot (half hour), which is a lot more fast-paced, presents the actors as slightly different characters, such as C.J. Jurado being a space-ambulance paramedic rather than a station doctor, and Dru as a full-fledged doctor rather than recently graduated from the medical academy and Ani as an alien rather than an android.

Merlin: Season One (2008)

This is a highly entertaining series, which sets up all of the events of the legend of King Arthur. It also does a few unexpected things, which is always a good thing. The first episode begins with a teenaged Merlin (Colin Morgan) leaving his small village and traveling to the castle at Camelot, as he has an apprenticeship set up with the King’s physician, Galen. However, Merlin soon finds out that all magic is banished in Camelot, as per the law passed by King Uther Pendragon (Anthony Head of Buffy the Vampire Slayer). Galen, however, finds out about Merlin’s abilities and is amazed that they come naturally to his apprentice. Merlin doesn’t need spells to make his magic happen. Galen also keeps Merlin’s secret safe, for if the King finds out he’d be put to death.

When Merlin saves the life of Prince Arthur, he’s promoted to be his servant, which is actually much more work for him, as he and Arthur don’t get along so well at first. We also see that Guinevere, Arthur’s future wife, is now the maid-servant of Morgana, who is King Uther’s legan ward. She’s of African descent. There are also appearances by Lancelot, who tries out for one of Camelot’s knights, as well as the magical sword, Excalibur. Merlin gets the majority of his advice from a dragon (voice of John Hurt) imprisoned beneath the King’s castle, who insists that Merlin must protect Arthur at all costs and that there is a grand destiny for both of them.

Many of the episodes foreshadow events that happen in the legend, though this in no way bogs down the series. There are plenty of magical creatures, such as griffins, unicorns and faeries as well as new villains, such as the witch Nimueh (Bionic Woman’s Michelle Ryan).

Merlin: Season Two (2009)

This second season turns everything up a few notches. In the first episode, King Uther’s (Anthony Head) men discover a hidden treasure filled tomb beneath Camelot, which belongs to an infamous sorcerer put to death a century before. This sorcerer, Cornelius Sigan, has managed to transfer his soul into a heart-shaped stone that’s imbedded in his sarcophagus. He possesses the body of a thief who tries to steal it, then animates the castle’s stone gargoyles, which kill quite a few of the villagers. The sorcerer wants Merlin to join him in ruling the kingdom, but of course Merlin refuses and manages to defeat him.

In another episode, The Once and Future Queen, Prince Arthur is tired of that fact that his men don’t want to hurt him when they are practicing fighting, so he pretends he is another knight from out of town during the jousting contests. He wants to prove to himself that they aren’t letting him win. He also stays with Guinevere since his father thinks he’s out of town fighting a monster. We also see how much Gwen’s opinion matters to the young prince and how deep his feelings are for this servant girl.

Morgana, the King’s ward, finally finds out that she has magical powers after she flees to the druids. There, she again encounters the young Mordred, who she has a bond to. Merlin follows her and tries to bring her back, saying that he’ll keep her secret because if the King finds out she does magic she’ll be put to death. In the next episode Morgana is nearly kidnapped by rogues who want to ransom her but she escapes. Gwen is captured instead and forced by the bandits to pretend that she’s Morgana when they take her to their boss. If she doesn’t keep up the charade she’ll be killed. Of course, King Uther doesn’t want to pay ransom for a lowly servant girl so Arthur and Merlin go to her aid. However, Gwen encounters Lancelot, who is disillusioned about his place in the world and is fighting in their games for profit. He vows to free Gwen, who he’s in love with. In the meantime, Arthur and Merlin get to the bandit’s hideout via underground tunnels infested with these giant rodents that look like hairless mole rats. It’s a pivotal episode because Arthur admits his feelings for Gwen—and shows his jealousy towards Lancelot, a hit of the legendary story to come.

In Beauty & the Beast, a two-part story, a female troll impersonates the Lady Katrina and bewitches King Uther into falling in love with her. She simply wants all the kingdom’s gold. Even when her true form is revealed by Merlin, this hideous,farting creature, the King doesn’t care. There’s lots of truly gross moments, not a few of them involving fresh dung.

Lastly, Merlin resolves his conflict with the Dragon that is kept beneath Camelot and who he has repeatedly gotten help from. He’s promised to free the Dragon—and when he does it goes on a rampage and attacks the city. To stop the destruction he and Arthur go out to find the last Dragon Lord, who turns out to be Merlin’s father. And this also means that Merlin has these powers as well. Season two is far better than the first. Recommended.

Merlin: Season Three (2010)

This third intense season begins a year after the end of season two, with Arthur and Merlin searching for the kidnapped Morgana. Morgana has been raised by King Uther and is Arthur’s adoptive sister, though it was revealed in season two that she’s his half-sister. The two young men come across a camp of bandits and are attacked. After the battle, a worn looking Morgana steps out of the woods. They take her back to Camelot, where she recovers. Merlin is concerned she’ll report him to King Uther because he tried to poison her when she became temporarily evil. Her magical powers were out of control and endangering the kingdom—and he thought that the only way to save them all. But Morgana really is evil and works with her sister, Morgause to take over Camelot. In fact, she personally kills two people with her own hand. She puts a spell on King Uther so that he begins to go mad. He begins seeing the ghosts of people he had killed during the Great Purge—when everyone who practiced magic was destroyed years before. Gwain, one of the future Knights of Camelot, is introduced and he’s hitting on Gwen. Merlin again sees the future when he goes to a crystal cave and tries to prevent Morgana from stabbing King Uther to death. There are also episodes that involve Goblins, a Changeling and the search for the golden trident of the Fisher King. There is also an episode in which Gaius re-encounters the love of his life, a woman sorcerer who had fled during the Great Purge. She’s being manipulated by a manticore into doing evil.

Morgana and her sister other throw King Uther and imprison him in his owndungeon, though his knights will not bow to her. Arthur, Merlin and old Gaius escape and try to figure out what to do. Merlin learns that if he empties the cup that gave Morgana’s undead army “life” then they’ll all die. And he gets the sword Excalibur from the Lady in the Lake and uses it to accomplish this task. The season ends with him putting the sword where no one can get it— thrusting it halfway into a huge stone.

This is is definitely the best season of this show.

Merlin: Season Four (2012)

The Fourth Season begins with Camelot being ruled by Prince Arthur and his shady uncle, Agravaine, who is secretly in cahoots with Morgana to take over the Kingdom. King Uther is non-functional from Morgan’s betrayal a year before and can do little but sit in his room and stare out the window.

When Morgana takes her her dying sister, the evil Morgause, to the Isle of the Blessed a hole is ripped into the fabric of the spirit world, releasing these nasty skeletal creatures called the Dorocha. Their touch is death, so when they begin to attack Camelot there’s lots of panic. Gaius, Merlin’s mentor, reasons that the only way to close this hole is someone else dying. Merlin is touched by the Dorocha is dying. But Lancelot returns and sacrifices himself to save everyone, including the young sorcerer.

King Uther Dies and Arthur and Gwen get serious with their relationship. Merlin continues to secretly protect the kingdom and Arthur’s life. In fact, he changes his appearance to that of an old white bearded man to throw people off his trail. Things get more complicated when the last remaining dragon’s egg is discovered. Since Merlin has a connection to the dragons he feels it’s his responsibility to save this creature—and ends up taking the egg to The Dragon (John Hurt) he gets his magical advice from. It’s hinted that there may be dire consequences but he feels he has to protect these magical creatures.

Morgana is still plotting Arthur’s downfall, along with the help of slimy Agravaine. Merlin discovers that the regent is a traitor but can’t prove it. Things get worse when Lancelot returns from the land of the dead. Morgana puts a spell on Gwen that makes her betray Arthur to Lancelot and the new King is so upset that he banishes her from the kingdom. In the next episode, which involves a ghost, Gwen’s brother, who is one of Arthur’s knights, gets possessed by the spirit of a boy who wants revenge for his death. The King’s demise is yet again averted with the help of his servant. Eventually, Arthur and Gwen are reunited, though he almost slays her when Morgana transforms her into a deer during a royal hunt.

The season ends with Arthur pulling the sword Excalibur from the stone, secretly assisted with the secret help of Merlin’s magic. And Merlin defeats Morgana’s invading army by calling forth the Dragon. This Fourth season is better than three, primarily because Arthur finally becomes King of Camelot.

Merlin’s Apprentice (2005)

This sequel to Hallmark’s Merlin, starring Sam Neill as the magician, is a disappointment. There are fewer special effects, a depressing story about the fall of Camelot and a group of unlikable characters, which include Merlin’s son, who is also his apprentice. Miranda Richardson is also in the movie but portrays the Lady of the Lake rather than villainous Morgan LeFay. There is a horrific scene in which some knights are dragged underwater and eaten by some type of serpent-like creature but we’re never shown what it is. If you liked the first Merlin movie you will be sorely disappointed if you see this lackluster event.

Mermaids: The Body Found (2012)

In this faux-documentary, marine biologists are interviewed about the possibility of there being actual mermaids living in the oceans. Much of the discussion centers around a Navy testing weapon, which not only beached a lot of whales—but one of the  mysterious creatures. In fact, there’s footage of two kids videotaping with their cell phone. The most interesting aspect is the theory of how these human-cousins developed, from upright apes to seal-like creatures once they returned to the oceans. The CGI effects are pretty good and what you’re watching seems plausible, which I guess is the point of this fake documentary. Recommended.

Messengers, The (2007)

A man named Roy (Dylan McDermott) moves to North Dakota from Chicago with his family to farm sunflowers, with the intention of “starting over again”. It’s hinted at that his sixteen-year-old daughter Jess (Kristin Stewart) has caused some major problem and that she’s not entirely trustworthy. In one scene in which the husband has to go to the hospital, the mother (Penelope Ann Miller is extremely hesitant about letting Jess watch over her two-year-old brother.

The movie immediately establishes that the boy can see the horrible-looking spirits that inhabit the house - which may be out to harm them. As the movie progresses Jess starts seeing them as well. But it’s the “Girl Who Cried Wolf” and no one believes her until it’s nearly too late. These ghosts are also affecting all of the crows that feed in the area and even attack their handyman (John Corbett). Kristin Stewart carries the movie well, though the story is extremely simple and not all that surprising. I saw that “twist ending” a mile away

Messengers 2: The Scarecrow (2009)

This prequel is what Amityville II: The Possession is to that first film—a much better movie. We’re introduced to struggling farmer John Rollins (Norman Reedus), who finds a weird-looking scarecrow stashed away in a hidden room in his barn. Immediately John’s young son hates the thing and makes Dad promise to get rid of it. However, the strange new neighbor convinces John to put it up in his field. Right away his crow problems are solved and he spends the day burning bird corpses. Then the broken water pump starts mysteriously working. But people are also dying—first, the banker who threatens to foreclose his farm, then the potential extra-marital affair for his wife. John is also hearing voices and the creepy sounds of giggling children in his cornfield.

What I liked about his movie is that it isn’t what you expect it will be, especially as to the identity of “The Messengers” this time around. It also sets up more of a canvassing backstory if they’re going to make more movies in this franchise. Yes, I could have done without the rampaging scarecrow at the end but it is a disturbing looking creature.

Meteor (2009)

A scientist (Christopher Lloyd) at an observatory in Baja, California, discovers that an asteroid is on collision course with the Earth. It is a “planet killer”, about sixty miles in diameter. In the opening sequence we see it knocked out of its regular orbit by a comet. Now, the scientist and his plucky assistant Imogene must get the information of its trajectory to the authorities so they can nuke it out of the sky.

However, the scientist is killed by a hit and run driver and it’s up to Imogene to somehow deliver that information. In a parallel story, a cop (Billy Campbell of Rocketeer) confronts his crooked ex-partner (Michael Rooker), who has gone crazy and killed his own wife. They get in a skirmish and Rooker beats Campbell. Before he kicks him in the head he then tells him that he’s going to go and kill everyone he cares about, as payback, which includes his college-aged daughter. And there’s another story about a female doctor and her family, which heats up once the meteors start hitting the Earth.

The first half of this two-part mini-series is great. There’s plenty of action, decent effects and interesting characters. However, at the end of the first episode, when they think they blew up the meteor, it’s revealed that it had broken in half in space and they only destroyed the smaller half. The big piece is still on its way. So everything starts happening all over again. And the stories which began in the first half start to become ludicrous. Imogene goes from one bad situation to the next. She is arrested by corrupt Mexican police, almost raped by them, manages to escape and steal their car, gets taken into custody at the border then once she gets help she’s in another car accident. Goofy. And once the good cop catches up with the insane one and rescues his daughter he doesn’t shoot the guy but takes him into custody. Of course he’s going to escape and take the daughter hostage again. And the story with the woman doctor is predictable once part of her hospital is hit by a meteor fragment. The ending is the worst, though. They manage to save the planet but Emogene is still all mopey because in 18 years there’s a chance that another massive space rock will strike the Earth. Boo hoo.

Method (2005)

This is a weird movie about the making of a movie and how the lines begin to blur for the two leads (Jeremy Sisto, Elizabeth Hurley) between fiction, the past, and reality. These two actors are in Romania, shooting a movie about a woman serial killer in the old West, who murdered rich men for their money. When people involved with the shoot start being killed, we begin to think that Hurley has gone over the bend, taking her “Method Acting” way too far. Or is someone else doing all the bloodshed? I must admit the movie did keep me guessing until the end

Metropolis (2002)

This Japanese animated movie is about a huge city, whose leader wants to control the world. First, his regime makes many of the robots go berserk by causing sun flares, which in turn make the citizens afraid of the robots. There’s a revolutionary faction, from the lower levels of the city, who want to take over as well. The main story concerns a detective and his nephew who are on an investigation. They get separated an the nephew meets up with Tima, a young girl. She’s really an advanced type of robot, created by the leader to rule the city. Tima has no idea who she is, though, because she doesn’t have all her memory installed. When she’s eventually hooked up to the computer which rules the city she starts losing herself-and in fact decides to eliminate the humans and have the robots in control. They try to stop her, the nephew tries to save her and fails.Although the movie has great visuals, there isn’t quite enough story going on to fill an hour and a half, which makes it a bit on the boring side.

Mexican Werewolf in Texas, A (2006)

In truth, this is more a Chupacabra movie than it is a werewolf movie, but it works well enough in the genre to be included. In a small Texas town the creature starts killing humans for some reason and it’s up to a group of high school friends to uncover just why this is happening. This movie has a bit more production value than your shot-on-digital flick and the monster costume works well 90% of the time, particularly with the gruesome killings. This thing is hilarious, like the Tazmanian devil when it attacks.

The only thing that honestly doesn’t work is the main character’s voice-overs, which make this sound like an ‘After School Special’ or an episode of ‘My So Called Life’.

This is a more interesting werewolf movie than the overblown Skinwalkers.

Middleman, The (2008)

This is a very entertaining new series on ABC Family Channel, much more like Men in Black than it is the X-Files. In the premiere episode a temp employee named Wendy is recruited by “The Middle Man” a sort of 1950’s superhero (without the costume) who deals with strange threats against the country. In this case, it’s an intelligent gorilla that has taken over the local Mafia. It’s really quite funny and the ape costumes are decent. In the second episode they try to stop a Terracota Chinese warrior from killing the next heir to the Chinese thrown, who turns out to be an American kid whose mother had an affair during a business trip. There are also “reformed” succubi who run a fashion business and the woman who heads this is a helper of “The Middle man”.

Midnight Hour, The (1985)

In this homage to monster movies, high school students Shari Belafonte, LeVar Burton and Lee Montgomery (Ben) invoke an ancient curse—and guess what happens? The dead in the nearby cemetery come to life to wreak vengeance upon the living. This film, surprisingly ruthless for Prime Time television is marked by good special effects, very Dawn of the Dead-inspired makeup, and Kevin McCarthy (Invasion of the Body Snatchers) as a converted zombie who attacks his son. The most interesting subplot reveals that not all the dead came back as bloodthirsty zombies. A 50’s cheerleader is resurrected (Jona Lee of Otherworld) and must cope with the idea that when—and if—the dead return to their graves, then so will she. With this curse hanging over her head she’s able to finally do something she hadn’t had a chance to do in life—fall in love.

The movie is dated by the 80’s but is worth checking out.

Midnight Mass (2002)

Based on the novella by F. Paul Wilson (The Keep), who also co-scripted and has a cameo, is basically the world-wide zombie scenario using vampires instead of the living dead. It’s sort of like Matheson’s I Am Legend. Here, a young woman who is an atheist, travels on her bike to the next town to coerce her friend, Father Joe, to reclaim his former Church, which has been desecrated by vampires. The leader of these vampires used to be a priest. And the reason father Joe is no longer there is that everyone thought he had sexually abused some kid, when in truth it was this other priest. The eventually do go to the Church, clean it up and replace the cross, but the vampire’s helpers, these Goth-looking people, come in and tear everything down so the vampires can return. There’s this fight between the remaining humans in the community and these vampires. I found the movie a bit too preachy at times, though it was overall well-done. The majority of the infected vampires looked more like zombies, rather rotted-looking, though the vampire priest just had long fangs. I wasn’t sure why he looked different from the others. I’ve seen worse vampire movies.

Midnight Meat Train (2008)

A photographer named Leon Kauffman (Bradley Cooper) loses himself in his ambition of becoming a famous photographer when he starts following a suspicious looking man he thinks may be a murderer. This is Mahogany (Vinnie Jones), who radiates death. Leon follows him to his work at a meat house and then to his hotel. Things take a turn for the weird whenn he goes down into the subway and gets on a train around midnight. Mahogany then starts to slaughter the passengers on board as if they are cattle. When the train stops it’s at a hidden location beneath the city— where dark, sinister creatures come on board to feed. Mahogany is the servant of a species that has been around long before man. Leon is left alive for an unknown reason, though he is marked by the creatures. The photographer becomes obsessed with this and his beautiful blonde girlfriend Maya (Leslie Bibb) begins to worry as he’s turning into someone she no longer knows. In the end this turns into something far bigger than the both of them.

This is a great adaptation of the Clive Barker short story originally printed in his Books of Blood series

Midnight Movie (2008)

A former cult movie director is in a mental institution, where he’s been for the past thirty years. His therapist thinks that it will help him deal with his obsession of his last film—a horror film—if he is able to watch it again. But what happens is terrible—almost everyone is slain and the director disappears. Years later, a small town theater has a showing of that same movie. An investigating detective—and a doctor, the only surviving member of the institution, show up, expecting the madman to show up. He does, but it’s not in the way they expect...

Basically, this film has the same premise as the movie Demons, with a group of people trapped in a theater—and the monster comes out of the screen to kill them. What I like most about it is that it wholeheartedly embraces the “slasher” sub-genre and has fun with it.

Mighty Joe Young (1998)

This Disney remake of the 1949 film begins with a primatologist (Linda Purl) and her young daughter, Jill, in Africa. The mother is studying a group of gorillas. One of them, a six month infant named Joe, is huge for his age. One night poachers, led by Andrei Strasser (Rade Serbedzija of Surface), come in and attack them. Joe’s mother is killed and when the hunters go to grab the young gorilla, he jumps on the leader and bites off two of his fingers. Pissed, Strasser shoots Jill’s mother as she runs away with Joe. The movie then skips twelve years and we’re introduced to Professor Greg O’Hara (Bill Paxton), who is seeking the source of a local legend. He finds it when an adult, fifteen-foot tall Joe makes and appearance. Joe gets away from the band of trackers he had hired, but he still follows the ape—who knocks him unconscious. The next day he wakes up in the local infirmary, with the recollection of also having seen a young woman. He soon sees her at the street market. This is Jill Young (Charlize Theron). He follows her and witnesses her playing hide and seek with the anthropoid. The way she communicates to Joe that everything is safe and that he can show himself from the safety of the woods  is by waving a flashlight.  It’s not the best of meetings but he eventually convinces her that the safest place for Joe would be in America, at a preserve. You see, one of the trackers he had hired also works for Strasser—and Strasser wants revenge for his missing fingers. The giant ape is taken to a preserve in California. At first, he seems to like it. Then Strasser and his henchman make an appearance—and taunt Joe, causing his behavior to become erratic.  They do this during a high profile benefit for the preserve—and Joe escapes his compound, injuring several people when he tries to go after Strasser. Joe remembers the man tried to hurt him when he was a baby. However, he’s tranquilized and put in a barred cage. Jill begs the authorities to let him go, saying that he’ll die if he’s kept in prison. But the zoo employees, including love-interest Greg, come through and help Joe escape. Yet he’s not out of trouble. Strasser had approached Jill earlier, saying he has a huge preserve in Africa where her friend will be safe from harm—and Jill has no idea that he’s the same guy who killed her mother—until she has a flashback when she’s in the escape truck with him and it may be too late. They struggle, she’s almost killed, and Joe escapes and makes his way through Hollywood, though he’s hunted by police and helicopters. He climbs Hollywood landmarks, such as the Chinese Theatre and the Hollywood sign, then heads towards a light in the distance, which he equates with Jill and her flashlight. This ends up being the amusement park on the Santa Monica pier. This is where the big confrontation between Strasser, Joe and the authorities happen, complicated by a fire in which the giant ape chooses to help a young boy stranded atop a burning ferris wheel.

This is a decent enough remake, though it’s very different than the original 40’s film.

Mighty Peking Man (1978)

If you like cheese in your movies then this is a Nacho Grande of giant ape movies. A Chinese explorer, in search of a legendary giant creature living in the wilds of India, finds not only the giant caveman but a wild blonde female version of Tarzan, who is friends with the creature. She was the sole survivor of a plane crash years before and the apeman raised her since a child. The explorer falls in love with the wild woman and convinces her that they should take Peking man to civilization. Once this happens chaos ensues-the creature is imprisoned, only to escape and run rampant throughout the city in scenes almost exactly like the ‘77 version of King Kong, although this version (made in ‘78) is far more entertaining.

Millennium Man (2003)

Millions of dollars of diamonds are stolen by an android, hired by a rich Italian playboy, and a CIA man investigates. He gets too close to the truth and is nearly killed. But the U.S. government decides to transfer his mind into another android body in order for him to capture the renegade. It’s interesting in that both androids look exactly the same, but the story with the love interest, her child (who is also his) and the insane army officials has all been done before WAY too many times. The movie is completely open ended, with one of the scientists saving the good android in the nick of time, telling him how they can do good for the world. I hope the Sci-Fi Channel doesn’t make this into a continuing series. This is just a sloppy, half-hearted Six Million Dollar Man wannabee. Executive produced by Glen A. Larson.

Mimic 2 (2001)

Much smaller in scope than the original, primarily due to its intended direct-to-video release, this is nevertheless a decent sequel, dealing with one of the soldier insects that escaped. The human characters here are a teacher and her students—and it just so happens the creature is nesting in part of the old New York building. The coolest thing is that the mimic insect transforms even further—and the result (and the reason) is both fascinating and horrifying.

Mimic Sentinel (2003)

Not only is this one of the worst sequels I’ve ever seen (part 3!)-it’s one of the worst movies. I suppose the producers thought that they’d be doing their take on Hitchcock’s Rear Window—and well, it just didn’t work. The movie revolves around a young man who is hyper-allergic to just about everything so he stays in his air purified room and sees the world through his bedroom window. He also takes photographs-and accidently takes pictures of some people being attacked by those big Mimic bugs. But because everything is seen from a distance it also distances the audience from what’s going on. There’s absolutely no suspense create whatsoever. That, and the fact that the characters are extremely irritating makes for a very tedious movie. Avoid this one.

Mind Hunters (2004)

This tale of FBI agents doing a training on a remote, ghost village island is one of the goriest movie I’ve seen in years. The premise is that they are being tested for becoming ‘Profilers’. But one among them starts killing the others-and this person may indeed be the ultimate serial killer. It’s not the best movie but any film that kills off Christian Slater in such a horrendous way-and within the first half hour— is not at all bad.

Mindstorm (2001)

The movie opens with a group of psychic kids being trained and guarded by the army. Two of them, Malcolm and Tracy, escape, only to be recaptured a few hours later by a team led by Clarence Williams III (Mod Squad), who seems to look out for her as his ‘surrogate’ daughter. Soon after they’re visited by a government official (Michael Ironside), which coincides with the facility being attacked and almost everyone killed. Tracy sees that David is shot-Tracy is rescued by that soldier.Years later we find an adult Tracy (Emmanuelle Vaugier of Smallville) working as a professional psychic and that she has no memory of her traumatic past. She is hired to investigate a Senator’s missing daughter, who has supposedly joined a new age type cult. And this Senator turns out to be the same guy who ordered her and her fellow captives killed those years ago. Also on hand is an FBI agent she works with (Antonio Sabato, JR), who is a potential love interest that never pans out. Tracy infiltrates the cult only to find out that its leader (Eric Roberts) is actually Malcolm, who had possessed a soldier’s body after he was mortally shot. He wants to use the cult as a breeding ground to create new psychics and take over the government that had tried to kill him. To do this he had impregnated all the cult’s young females. In the end there’s a confrontation between the evil Senator and Malcolm-and Malcolm manages to take over the Senator’s body. But because there are all these federal agents about Tracy is unable to do anything. Months later, at a political rally where the Senator is on the road to the presidency, she shoots and kills him, sentencing herself to a life behind bars. There’s not a lot of originality here....it’s similar to that television series Dark Angel, with all these children being raised and trained by the government. It also reminded me of Scanners, particularly with the mind switcheroo at the end.

Miner’s Massacre (2002)

A woman gets a letter from her brother which says that he’s discovered gold in an old abandoned mine-and includes a sizable nugget as proof. She gathers four more of her friends and they agree to meet out there. The problem is that the gold is cursed by “The Forty-Niner”-and the zombie prospector kills anyone who steals his treasure (sort of like a Leprechaun). One by one they are killed off in gruesome ways, from hangings to decapitations. There’s a flashback scene to the mid-1800’s, in which Jeff Conaway (Taxi) portrays a priest whose daughter is slain by the prospector. This is also where the viewer is told that he was a Satan worshipper, et cetera. The story is a bit formulaic but the special makeup effects are decent enough. Directed by John Carl Buechler (Friday the 13th: The New Blood)

Minion, The (1998)

In New York City some construction workers accidently fall in to a long hidden underground passageway and discover the remains of an ancient Templar Knight amonst Amerindian artifacts. When a woman archeologist digs through the remains she discovers a mysterious key—and immediately her life is in danger. This is because The Minion, a demonic servant of the antichrist, needs the key to unlock the gates of hell and free his master. Lukas (Dolph Lundgren) is sent by the Templar Knights to stop all this from happening. There’s little special effects, a lot of body hopping going on but it is an intriguing story.

Minotaur (2006)

This is a Sci-Fi Channel reworking of the Greek myth of Theseus and the Minotaur. Here, the movie’s prologue talks about an ancient kingdom who worshipped the bull to such an extent that they had their queen mate with one. Her offspring, a monster, was then kept in these tunnels beneath the palace. Every year they sacrifice eight young people to the creature, and one of them named Theo (I guess Theseus was too much of a mouthful for the producers) willingly goes in order to find his girlfriend, who was taken the year before. Once in the tunnels the people are hunted by the creature and die in horribly gory ways. Tony Todd (Candyman, Night of the Living Dead (1991)) portrays the crazed ruler (and half brother to the Minotaur). The Minotaur doesn’t resemble a half man/half bull, but more of a giant hairless rotted looking bull with sharp teeth. Minotaur was much better than I thought it would be.

Minus Man, The (1999)

A young, harmless looking drifter travels down the West Coast in his pickup truck, arbitrarily poisoning people he encounters. He envisions that he is changing people’s lives. In one small town he decides to rent out a room and stay for a while. He soon gets a job at the local post office, which seems to calm his inner demons, sort of the opposite of ‘going postal’. The couple he is renting the room from is odd, the wife too friendly and the man secretly violent. We learn that the reason they have the vacant room is that their daughter ran away, probably due to the father’s angry fits. When the wife is brutally killed one day we’re not sure if it’s the stranger or the husband, which I guess is the point of this movie, that anyone can be a serial killer.

Miracles (2003)

This is one of the best supernatural themed shows to air on American television, though it was hardly seen by anyone in its original run because it was pre-empted by news about the war in Iraq. Paul Callen (Skeet Ulrich) is an investigator of modern miracles who starts to lose his faith when there is a logical explanation for each of these events. After a young boy, with the power to heal, saves his life while sacrificing his own, Callen sees the words ‘God is Now Here’ written in his own blood. Paul is more or less recruited by a former Harvard Professor (Angus Macfadyen of Alias) to continue these miracle investigations, which may not be from a divine source. He reveals to him that other people have seen that message, but instead of seeing ‘God is Now Here’, they see ‘God is Nowhere’. In fact, the growing number of supernatural occurrences around the world may be signaling that something bad is coming...The Darkness. Also on the team is a former police officer (Marisa Ramirez), who has a bullet lodged in her skull, an example of another ‘miracle’. There are stories that deal with ghosts, serial killers, possession and time displacement, each of the 13 episodes well worth the watch. In fact, if this show was airing today, I’m sure it would be up there with Medium and Ghost Whisperer in terms of ratings. If you missed out on this show this dvd set will be a treat.

Mirror Mirror 3 (1995)

This sequel in name only concerns a brooding artist (Billy Drago) who discovers the title’s mirror in an old mansion and becomes obsessed by the presence of his dead lover who haunts his dreams, or so the synopsis on the back of the box cover says. Trying to gather this information from the movie itself is another matter. Although there’s the obligatory nudity by the ‘ghost’ it’s so non-erotic and boring that your finger is compelled to push that fast-forward button. Billy Drago, normally cast as a villain, simply fails to be sympathetic as the tormented man—in fact, you wish he’d die sooner so the movie would be over. Perhaps he’s in the movie because he co-produced it...

Mirrormask (2006)

Although this is a visually interesting fantasy film, it reminded me too much of a prior Jim Henson Productions movie, Labyrinth (1986). In Mirrormask the protagonist is a fourteen year old girl whose mother may be dying-and she ends up in this strange alternate reality where the Shadow Queen is trying to overtake the land while the good Queen is in a coma. The Queen looks like the girl’s mother. In fact, whenever she looks in a window she sees her “evil twin”, who has taken over her place in her own world, the “real” world. In order to save the Queen (her mother), she has to recover a magical object, the Mirrormask. In fact, the whole story is a lot like the Stephen King/Peter Straub book The Talisman crossed with Wizard of Oz as it would be directed by David Lynch.

Mirrors (1986)

A woman, recovering from a nervous breakdown, goes on a vacation to New Orleans with her husband. But she soon starts having nightmares about a 19th century Voodoo Queen and starts seeing her in mirrors. Each person she dreams about dies a horrible death—and it has something to do with the Voodoo Queen wanting to inhabit her body. Mirrors is filled with lots of atmosphere and reflects many of the horror films of the 80’s.

Mirrors (2008)

Upon reflecting, I have to say that this movie is a sequence of creepy and gory scenes tied together by a rather boring story. As it’s yet another remake of an Asian movie it has all those usual elements— a vengeful spirit, an evil little girl, et cetera. The biggest problem is that the main character, portrayed by Keifer Sutherland (Dark City, 24), is one-note, starting off unstable and staying that way steadily throughout the movie. This idea was much better realized in John Carpenter’s Prince of Darkness and it pretty much has that same ending. Ultimately, I didn’t see anything new with this Hollywood horror movie.

Mission to Mars (2000)

There’s a problem with the first manned mission to Mars. Earth loses all contact. So a second mission is sent to find any survivors. The crew consists of Woody Blake (Tim Robbins) and his wife Terri (Connie Nielsen) and Jim McConnell, who recently lost his wife. They have a few close calls, including micro-meteorites and one crew member sacrifices himself so that the others will survive. Once they are down on the planet they do discover a survivor—Luke Graham (Don Cheadle), who has managed to survive by growing plants in a makeshift greenhouse. They also discover a huge sculpture of an alien face—and discover something startling about the origins of life on earth.

This Brian De Palma directed movie is sort of a dumbed-down version of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Mist, The (2007)

If you’re a fan of the Stephen King novella you are bound to be disappointed by this big screen, Hollywood adaptation of that movie. Sure, there are scenes that keep you on edge and the insect monsters are suitably icky, but those moments aren’t enough to keep the film going. Thomas Jane gives a good, heartfelt performance as a father trying to protect his son—and becomes the hero of the film, by default. The crazy Evangelist woman who starts her own cult among the survivors in the grocery store was way too much and I kept on having this feeling that I saw this all before. Then again, the story is like Children of the Flies with adults, crossed with the Night of the Living Dead scenario.

The biggest mistake is the extended ending, which goes beyond the book. The “surprise, shock ending” isn’t all that surprising and is too similar to a pivotal scene in 30 Days of Night. This is director Frank Darrabont’s most disappointing movie. And I was indeed disappointed, considering all the great Stephen King adaptations he’s done before..

Momentum (2003)

This movie started promising, with a group of telekinetics, led by Michael Massee (The Crow) hijacking an armored car. One of them gets caught by a sinister government agency run by Louis Gossett Jr. and is tortured.There’s also two FBI agents, one of them a woman with a celebrity status (Teri Hatcher), who become involved between the two groups. And the main character, a college professor, wants to hide his mind-over-matter abilities. He’s soon recruited though, by the government, to infiltrate the so-called bad guys. It turned out that the government did experiments in the 70’s (under the code name Momentum) to unlock man’s ability to move objects by thought-and now they are trying to eliminate all these gifted individuals.The leader of the telekinetics is tired of living in fear, so he’s established a community of these people-and wants to start acts of terrorism to prove their power. At first this movie was like Cronenberg’s Scanners but too many characters and lackluster plot diluted it so that it had anything but momentum.

Mongolian Death Worm (2010)

Daniel’s (Patrick Flannery) life’s work is to uncover a hidden treasure in Mongolia. He’s constantly in trouble with the local thugs, though there’s a good law-enforcer that’s on his side. Because of his friendship, he’s coerced into taking two doctors to a small village ravaged by a mysterious plague. One of them is a potential love interest, Alicia (Victoria Pratt from Mutant X). The locals insist it has something to do with the “death worms”. These worms are actually real, and huge. A shale/oil mining operation has awoken these prehistoric monstrosities from their age-old slumber and now they are eating everyone up. They resemble a cross between the monsters in Tremors and the slugs that lived in the ravine in Peter Jackson’s King Kong. This monster-of-the-week flick is entertaining and relentless. It’s also much better than expected, considering the title.

Monkey Bone (2001)

A cartoonist, Stu Miley (Brendan Fraser) is put in a coma after a car accident and ends up in a strange, cartoonish world where he meets his creation, Monkey Bone (voice of John, Barton Fink, Turturro). In fact, the primate manages to inhabit Stu’s body and does a lot of crazy things. Girlfriend, Julie (Bridget Fonda) tries to figure out what is going on and Chris Katan portrays a zombie animated by Stu’s spirit. Monkey Bone is exactly like a Tim Burton movie if Tim Burton never showed up to direct it.

Monster (2003)

Charlize Theron deservedly won the Best Actress Oscar for her portrayal of Aileen Wuornos, America’s first documented serial killer. The movie begins when she meets a young woman at a gay bar who is attracted to her—and she quickly establishes a friendship, not because she has a strong sexual interest in this woman but because she’s someone who seems to care about her. And Wuornos is extremely attention starved not to mention having an explosive temper. After she’s raped one night and tied up she manages to escape and shoot the rapist. She steals his gun and the car and tells her female friend that she’s stopping the prostitution. She tries to get a ‘regular’ job but has no experience whatsoever. So, in order to get money, she steals from whom she views to be her would-be attackers. She gets the guys out in the woods, kills them and then takes their money. Of course, many of these guys don’t deserve what happens to them. The murders are also very brutal. What helps make the movie so depressing is the contrast of the upbeat 80’s Journey and REO Speedwagon songs to what’s going on in these people’s lives. The movie is constructed in such a way so that you empathize for the serial killer-so that it’s devastating what eventually happens to her. What a bummer of a movie-but a very good one.

Monster (2008)

This is The Asylum’s rip-off of Cloverfield. Two sisters are videotaping their trip to Japan and get caught in an earthquake, which turns out not to be an earthquake at all but an attack by a giant monster. Their camera footage (a lot of time of them talking, blah blah blah) is intermixed with actual news footage and effects of the monster’s tentacles (that’s all we ever see of the monster is tentacles). There’s lots of cheap video effects to make it look like the videotapes were damaged but this is more distracting than anything else. Basically, if you’ve seen Cloverfield and liked that movie there’s absolutely no reason to see this turd other than to torture yourself. Monster again confirms that anything produced by the Asylum should be avoided by any fan of the horror or sci-fi genre.

Monster House (2006)

As with such animated movies as Shrek, Monster House works on two levels, one for adults, one for the kids. In fact, I think this film would probably scare the crap out of a five-year-old. The premise is that a crazy old man lives in the neighborhood’s creepy old house. Anytime someone loses a basketball or toy he comes out and takes it back into his house. Then, one day he has a stroke and is taken to the hospital, which allows a trio of friends to go in there and investigate. They quickly find out that the house is “alive”, possessed by the spirit of the old man’s wife. Although I’ve seen this premise of a “living house” that consumes people in one of Marvel Comics’ old horror titles, it’s the first time I’ve seen it done in a movie. Monster House is a scary, entertaining horror movie.

Monster in the Garage (1996)

This double feature, written and directed by Oregon filmmaker Joe Sherlock, is an example of some creative ingenuity at the micro-budget level. You know that when the feature is introduced by a disembodied floating head doing a Criswell impression that the following video isn’t going to be all that serious. In the first story Dr Thomas Mobius investigates the origins of strange life forms discovered in South America-and becomes involved with some very weird goings on involving government agents, mutants and those pesky ‘MIBs’ that tend to pop up in alien movies. Actor Tom Shaffer is very believable in the lead as the befuddled scientist. There’s also plenty of well done gratuitous gore to spice up this concoction. The second story, while entertaining, is a bit long with the party sequence but once the dime store monster comes along is pretty damn hilarious. The part with the alien savior speaking Japanese instead of English through its translator had me in stitches.

Monster Island (2004)

I’m always somewhat leery about anything produced by MTV (or Empty TV, as I call it) but Monster Island was a surprisingly entertaining spoof/homage to those giant monster movies of the 50’s and 60’s. The movie starts off with a crowd of teenagers at a Carmen Electra (!) concert that’s being held on a tropical island in the Bermuda Triangle. But before she finishes her first number, ‘Jungle Fever’, she’s carried off by a twenty-foot long giant ant, which takes her to its lair. A guy infatuated with her decides to try to save her-and he’s accompanied by a group of his friends, which includes his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend. They trek through the jungle and encounter giant praying Mantises. Then it’s a Creature from the Black Lagoon-like creature which kills the cameraman. As soon as they escape, though, they run into a mad scientist (Adam West) named Harry Hausen, who explains how the mutations came to be, which because of nuclear bomb testing in the surrounding waters in the 1960’s. The group eventually finds Carmen Electra atop a mountain, which turns out to be a huge ant-hill. Only a few of the giant ants are alive and they are using the island’s natives as slave labor. They captured Electra so that she could entertain them all with her music. There’s a battle with the giant ants, the mad-scientist saves the day and the heroic group of kids escape just before the island is supposed to sink into the ocean. The name Monster Island  makes me think of that one in the old Godzilla movies—and in Son of Godzilla there are these giant praying mantises and a giant spider, creatures which are also in this movie. The special effects are a bit cheesy and utilize stop-motion-animation, which works well. There’s even a scene with a bulldozer fighting a giant insect that’s exactly like that one scene in Dinosaurus. This is a fun, no-brainer movie.

Monster Man (2004)

This romp through the crazy, in-bred hillbilly family genre is a surprisingly entertaining horror movie, as perfect as an insane killing family movie can get. Two buddies are driving across the Western States to the wedding of a woman they both secretly love. One is very uptight & well organized, the other the complete opposite. Once they get to the wedding they plan on divulging their feelings-though they have to get there first. And that is the problem. They first encounter this ‘Monster Truck’ when it tries to drive them off the road. This is soon after they stop at a local watering hole and insult the resident rednecks. They think the scare is from some ticked off inbred-and they aren’t far wrong. Right after this they pick up a beautiful, mysterious hitchhiker who is dressed in a scanty black outfit. The crass buddy makes all these comments about her and the other one defends her. A sort of contest develops to see which one of them she likes better. In fact, she’s so disarming that neither of the friends suspect anything suspicious of her. A very creepy moment is when the trio decide to stop at another roadside bar and notice all of the patrons are missing one of their limbs, which we soon find out is because of that monster man in the monster truck knocking them unconscious and stealing their body parts. For what purpose does he want all of these body parts? Let’s just say that the ending of the film takes a turn I totally didn’t expect-and it was a refreshing change from your typical Texas Chainsaw wannabee. Monster Man is one of those movies you can easily watch for multiple viewings-it’s that entertaining. It’s also one of the best horror films to come out in 2004.

Monster on the Campus (1958)

A college professor by the name of Donald Blake orders a coelecanth for his studies. A student picks it up and delivers it to his office.. However, the container is leaking water and blood and the student’s German Shepherd licks some of it. A few minutes later the dog has huge canine teeth and tries to attack them. They manage to subdue the dog and put it in a cage, where it continues to growl at them. Later, when the scientist moves the prehistoric fish to his freezer he cuts his hand on its teeth. He starts feeling sick and transforms, not into Thor but into a primitive ape-man. He ends up frightening a college girl to death. Then a cop is killed and the only thing the authorities have to go on is a footprint of the apeman. It’s not until a dragonfly lands on the fish and grows to two feet long that the professor does some research and discovers that the fish was exposed to Gamma rays in order to preserve it. These rays somehow interacted with the fish’s plasma and now has the capability of de-evolving creatures.

But it’s not until an hour into the movie that the Professor actually starts suspecting himself as the ape-creature. Duh. Who else had access to the fish? He secludes himself at a friend’s cabin in the country and injects himself with the fish blood again. He changes again. Later, he tells the police that he can help find the creature—and goes off into the hills and changes again. And they shoot him. He basically kills himself because he can’t live with what he’s turned into. As the cops look down at the body they wonder where the Professor went off to—until they see him change back into his Dr. Jeckyll persona.

This has a bigger budget than The Neanderthal Man, which was made half a dozen years earlier, and the special effects are better.

Monster Squad, The (1987)

Fred Dekker’s homage to the Universal Monster pantheon holds up the test of time.

The movie begins over a hundred years ago, with Van Helsing and crew trying to prevent Dracula (Duncan Regher) from obtaining an amulet that will help him take over the world. They fail. We then skip to the present, with Dracula re-awakening on an airplane and being deposited in the US, the same place where a clubhouse of kids are. It’s up to these kids, led by Sean Crenshaw, to stop Drac and the monsters from obtaining their goal.

The Stan Winston created monsters are great, particularly Tom Noon as the Frankenstein Monster and Jonathan Gries as The Wolfman. The interpretations of the Gill Man and the mummy are also cool. The creepiest monsters, however, seen only briefly towards the end of the film, are Dracula’s three brides. If you haven’t seen The Monster Squad you are in for a treat.

Monster that Challenged the World, The (1957)

In 1957 a trio of naval researchers vanish in California’s Salton Sea. They soon turn up, however, missing all their bodily fluids. It seems that a recent earthquake has uncovered the eggs of a giant prehistoric mollusk and they are starting to feed. And now it’s up to the navy to stop these monsters from reproducing by the thousands and destroying the earth! Whew! The giant monster is cool looking but doesn’t have a wide range of movement, but it’s always fun hearing that 50’s sci-fi dialogue by all the stock characters. Perhaps the best giant snail movie I’ve ever seen...

Monster X: Attack at the G8 Summit (2008)

In this sequel to The X From Outer Space, giant monster Guilala returns to Japan to wreak havoc. He does this when the G8 Summit is happening, in which all the nations of the Earth are meeting to discuss Global Warming. However, all these people have various agendas, GW being the low priority. The story primarily revolves around two reporters (as most of those 60’s giant monster movies do). They stumble upon a tribe of people in the forest dancing to some god they worship and this is Take-Majin, who sort of looks like the multi-armed Kali.

A task force is created to fight the silly looking Guilala. They try to drop him into a massive hole, try to cover him in plastic and gas him and even build a giant headphone type device in order to fry his brains. None of these work. However, those reporters go back to that secluded tribe and with their help summon Take-Majin, who appears just in the nick of time. The army had fired a nuclear warhead at Monster X—and if it had hit would have created zillions of the monsters, which would cover the Earth. Take-Majin appears in front of it, in a ball of light, and stops it with his ass. As you may have surmised, this is a giant monster comedy, which has all the elements of a classic Kaiju movie. I wasn’t quite expecting this—but the tone fits it well and I was laughing throughout the movie.

Monsterman (2001)

The feature debut of Jose Prendes is a very very funny movie, whose low budget status wholeheartedly works to its advantage. A few hundred years in the future, in an abandoned world that looks exactly like our present day, goofy ninja aliens have wiped out mankind with a plague—all except the sole survivor. Prendes, who also portrays this main character, has a good screen presence and his wry sense of humor propels the movie.After half a dozen encounters with the aliens he encounters a surviving woman, portrayed by Denice Duff. Yes, this movie features something you rarely see in an independent low budget feature—genre name actors. In fact, Duff’s performance is better than most of the movies she’s been cast in (such as Frogtown II and the last few Subspecies movies), a large part due to the comedic script. Also on hand are Conrad Brooks, in perhaps his best performance, as the leader of the aliens, and effects legend Tom Savini in a brief cameo. Check this movie out—it’s like a Mad Magazine version of I Am Legend.

Monsters (2010)

This film takes place six years after a satellite has crashed and brought back a lifeform that’s taken over half of Mexico. A journalist, Andrew, is hired to get a rich american tourist, Samantha, out of this infected zone. Basically, he’s just doing this for the money but the more time they spend together the more he develops a connection with this “poor rich girl”. They pay thousands of dollars to take a ferry out of the zone but that’s cancelled because it’s too dangerous. The monsters are acting up. And the Americans continue to bomb them in fighter jets so they will not make it past the Mexico/US Border. So Andrew and Samantha must trek through a dangerous part of the infected zone and are led by a ragtag team of hired guards. It’s here we learn more about the monsters, how their life begins in the trees and how they eventually make their way to the water where they grow huge. The creatures resembled big octopi. There are some dangers along the way, such as when the group is attacked by a few of them and their vehicles are flipped over. Now alone, the couple has to get to safety by themselves. When they do come to the wall, which was constructed to keep the beasts out, we see that it’s massive. And seemingly abandoned. They cross the border into Texas and discover that America has been invaded. They also witness something no one has witnessed before, which totally changes their view about the monsters.  This very laid back giant Monster movie, brings to mind Stephen King’s The Mist more than it does a Godzilla movie. Think of it as the flip side of Cloverfield.

Monsters vs. Aliens (2009)

This is an amusing animated movie. We are introduced to the monsters through a young woman named Susan (voice of Reese Witherspoon), who is struck by a meteorite and transformed into a white-haired giant that the government calls “Ginormica”. She’s taken to a secret holding facility where all the other monsters are kept, such as Dr. Cockroach (Hugh Laurie), the Creature from the Black Lagoon-like Missing Link (Will Arnett) and B.O.B (Seth Rogan), an amorphous blue blob. And there’s

the Godzilla-sized Insectosaurus, which may be the funniest looking giant monster I have ever seen. The movie is renting out simply to see this creature. When a huge alien robot starts walking through San Francisco, the monsters are recruited to stop it, with the promise that they’ll be freed from prison. They do stop it,though the Golden Gate bridge is destroyed. However, there are lots more robots where this one came from. The four-eyed alien Gallaxhar (Rainn Wilson) wants a rare substance called Quantonium, which is the same stuff that transformed Susan into Ginormica. He starts producing clones of himself for the invasion of Earth—and it’s up to the monsters to stop him.

I enjoyed this movie, though I felt that they didn’t have any “real” monsters in this, as none were terrifying or a threat to people. In fact, after I saw this I wanted to rewatch Mad Monster Party.

Monsterwolf (2010)

A group of oil riggers in Louisiana come across what looks like Star Trek’s “The Guardian of Forever” and think it’s an Indian Artifact. They call their boss, Stark (Robert Picardo of Star Trek Voyager) and he tells them to blast it away to smithereens. So they do that. Yet it still stands—and then starts to glow. A huge wolf materializes out of its center and then proceeds to rip the dozen men to shreds.

Stark wants to put oil wells on the Native Americans’ property and hires a half-Indian lawyer who looks like Jennifer Beals of Flashdance. Her father turns out to be the police chief, no pun intended. She runs into her old boyrfriend (Jason London. Or maybe Jeremy London—I can’t tell them apart) and they reconnect. Basically, the giant wolf attacks everyone who is trying to harm the indians. Through an animated flashback story we learn that the wolf used to be a warrior who had transformed into the creature. This movie was just okay. I think I was hoping more for a werewolf movie than I was a CGI wolf that looked more like The Tasmanian Devil from Bugs Bunny

Monstrosity (1991)

This word best describes this Andy Milligan movie. Two brothers, one who looks like Bill Mumy and the other who looks like Danny Bonaducci decide to build a golem after the younger one’s girlfriend is killed and gutted by a psychopath. They get spare body parts from different dead people and even and arm from a gorilla and sew together this do-it-yourself Frankenstein monster in their garage. There’s also a third brother in on this and he’s annoying as well.The weirdest thing is how every character takes this reanimation in stride, like it’s no big deal. The monster, disturbing looking with a Teenage Frankenstein-like face and a red clown wig, is also played for laughs. The gore effects, in contrast, are extremely grisly and the murders quite nasty. When the movie is done you’re left with the feeling of ‘What the f*ck did I just watch?!’. If you think you’ve seen everything you haven’t seen this.

Moon (2009)

Sam Bell (Sam Rockwell) is an astronaut who is nearing the end of his three year stint on the moon. He is the sole inhabitant of the lunar base, which monitors all of the remote mining on the surface. A new form of energy, from moon rocks, supplies the majority of the power to Earth. His only companion is the computer/robot Gerty (voice of Kevin Spacey). He’s anxious to get back to his beautiful wife and young daughter. But he’s beginning to hallucinate and starts seeing people. When he goes out to inspect a huge mining vehicle in his rover he gets distracted and crashes into the machinery. Then, he awakens in the base’s medical facility. Gerty explains that he was in an accident and that he must remain inside until he recovers. For some reason this doesn’t sit right with Sam and he manages to get outside. He goes to where he crashed the vehicle and finds a body inside—a body that looks exactly like him.

At first we’re not too sure if he’s losing his mind or not but this doppelganger seems to be entirely real. Moon has that weird feel of Space 1999 and is a fascinating examination of what it is to be isolated and alone. It’s also one of the best science-fiction movies I’ve seen in a good long while. Highly recommended.

Moonlight (2007)

The 12 episodes of this series are disappointing. I am a fan of Forever Knight and Angel, so when this new vampire detective show came along I WANTED to like it. I really did.

Mick St. John is a Los Angeles detective who is also a 90 year old vampire. He decides to use his abilities to help people who need help. His best friend, a six-hundred year-old vampire, disagrees with his lifestyle, but humors him nonetheless. In the first episode, we are told what can kill and affect a vampire. They can go out in daylight but it makes them weaker the longer they are exposed to it. A stake through the heart paralyzes them, doesn’t kill them. And religious objects don’t deter them at all.

The series starts to get interesting with the introduction of a woman photographer who is a dead ringer for Mick’s ex-wife. She was a vampire and had turned him and he ended up killing her in fire. Or so he thought. Yet this doppelganger is human and as far as any of the other vampires know there’s no cure for vampirism. But it turns out to be his ex-wife, which causes complications for him in his present life. Shannyn Sossaman is great as this vampire and it’s almost worth watching for her alone.

The biggest problem is that he’s not the brightest vampire you’d think that in the past fifty years of his unlife he’d learn to protect himself better, yet he almost gets killed in the first few episodes. He also doesn’t cover his tracks very well. The worst problem, though, is that all the other characters, including the female love-interest reporter (Sophie Myles), are more interesting than he is. It is a lackluster, predictable series which is way too familiar.

Mortuary (2006)

The Tobe Hooper directed Mortuary reminded me a lot of his recent The Toolbox Murders combined with Eaten Alive. Denise Crosby (STNG, Pet Sematary) portrays a mother who moves across country with her teenage son and young daughter in order to start her new career as a mortician. To say that the old mortuary they are taking over is run-down is an understatement. In fact, not only is their septic overflowing but their front yard is actually the old town cemetary.

Almost immediately they hear the stories of the deformed young boy who used to live in the house, who disappeared and then presumably killed his parents ten years later. He is rumored to still be around, living in the cemetery. This turns out to be true, as he lives deep in the gravesite’s only underground vault. Down here is where there is also this strange, black fungus like substance, a substance which can possess you and even reanimate the dead. Some of the local kids are first to be possessed, then Crosby herself becomes one of its minions. The special effecst are gruesome and the story surprisingly depressing, though it has its absurd moments. I saw this first on the Sci-Fi Channel, so I’m sure the uncut version is more bloody (or fungus-y).

Mosaic (2007)

I found this animated movie, featuring a new superheroine created by legendary Stan Lee, far more entertaining than the recent Ultimate Avengers 2 or The Invincible Iron Man.

The story is about a teenager (voice of Anna Paquin from X-Men, Trueblood) who obtains the power to change her form and also become invisible, among other things. This power is very similar to that of a secret race of humanoids who call themselves “Homo Chameleo”. She, along with a newfound friend named MOSAIC, become involved with helping to stop an evil Chameleo from obtaining some lost relics from his vanished civilization, an adventure which spans from Italy to the North Pole. I liked Mosaic because it was fun, having a sense of wonder and enthusiasm lacking in a lot of the recent angst ridden superhero tales.

Moscow Zero (2009)

A priest (Vincent Gallo) goes looking for his archeologist friend who has disappeared in the ancient passageways beneath a Russian church. He hires some locals to take him down and they tell him the stories of how there’s supposedly a gateway to Hell down there. At first it seems as if this is the case, with some strange camera angles that look like the point-of-view of entities and there’s these spooky looking kids who wander the tunnels. It turns out that these kids are the descendants of people who were trapped down there hundreds of years ago and they’ve adapted to the dark. And by all the bones around and the disappearance of homeless people who live beneath the city it’s pretty obvious just what they eat. It’s an interesting movie but a little too subtle for its own good.

Mother of Tears (2008)

Dario Argento’s long awaited third Mother movie delivers the goods and is undeniably one of the creepiest movies of 2008. Sarah Mandy (Asia Argento), the daughter of a white witch, is living in Rome when a powerful witch, The Mother of Tears, tries to bring about the second age of witches. Sarah is there from the beginning, when an ancient urn and its contents are sent to the Museum of Ancient Art in Rome, where she works. Her co-worker opens it and accidently cuts her hand, bleeding on a magical red tunic. This resurrects some nasty demons, which are depicted in small stone carvings contained in the same urn, and they rip her apart. It also brings forth the third Mother, the most powerful witch of all. Sarah witnesses all this and flees. Not only are the police after her for questioning, so are the many witches who start converging on Rome. In fact, one pursues her on a train and she has to kill the woman to stop her. Sarah soon finds out she has some magical powers of her own, with the guidance of the ghost of her mother, and ends up having to stop Rome from falling.

There are some extremely gory scenes and unsettling moments, though I thought the ending happened a bit too fast. Still, it’s definitely worth checking out after you, of course, watch Susperia and Inferno first.

Mountain of the Cannibal God  (1978)

These two movies (The Emerald Jungle and Mountain of the Cannibal God) get the same review because they are basically the same movie with different actors. In The Emerald Jungle Janet Agren is in search of her sister, who joined a strange religious cult. In Mountain of the Cannibal God Ursulla Andress is in search of her explorer husband. In both films there jungle guides are jaded, reluctant anti-heroes. On the expedition both jungle parties encounter IDENTICAL stock footage of wild animals eating each other, most notably a python eating a live monkey, remnants of a cannibal feast (again, same footage) and even some of the same jungle natives. Of the two, Mountain of the Cannibal God is more brutal, with more dismemberment, more killings, while The Emerald Jungle is more satisfying in that it is more character driven and makes you care whether the characters get eaten alive or not.

Mountaintop Motel Massacre (1986)

Great title, crappy movie. This came out towards the end of the 80’s Slasher craze-and it shows. The premise is that this old lady is released from a mental institution and goes back to running her cheap motel, which are really these several small white cabins. She rents them out for $7-and then when the people are asleep she crawls through these tunnels and up the trap doors that are located in each cabin-letting loose snakes, rats and cockroaches to mess with the customers. There’s no good reason that she does this other than that she’s crazier than a bat. One rainy night, when all the cabins are booked, she goes on a killing spree with this metal hook. The special effects are mostly after the fact. We see her swinging the hook-then see the hook through someone’s face, which really looks like a mediocre makeup effect. One of the characters gets a poisonous snake bite on his cheek and rather than dying within a few hours just moans while the bite gets larger and more infected looking. The wound is almost half the guy’s face by the time he’s killed by the crazy lady. I guess the screenwriter didn’t do his research on snake bites....but that’s a small qualm compared to the rest of this mess.

Mr. Brooks (2007)

I must say that this was better than I thought it would be. Kevin Costner is a guy named Earl Brooks, who is ‘Businessman of the Year’, seemingly mild-mannered, Clark-Kentish type guy who also happens to be addicted to killing. He goes to AA meetings, as the twelve-step program seems to help him be ‘normal’ and control his murderous urges.

However, he goes and kills again, by the prodding of his evil alter-ego, portrayed by William Hurt. Throughout the movie he talks to this ‘invisible friend’, who is really that aspect of himself that he doesn’t want to acknowledge. It’s a little too staged but it works.

On this first killing he’s done in two years he messes up, as he does it in plain site of an open window—-and a guy living across the way sees this and approaches him at work the next day. This guy (Dane Cook) doesn’t want to turn him in to the police or want money - he wants Earl to teach him how to kill. Reluctantly, Earl agrees. The movie is worth watching for what eventually happens to this guy. Brook’s daughter comes home from college, pregnant, and a week later police are knocking on his door, wanting to question her about a murder. He knows his daughter did it, that his ‘addiction’ has been passed on to her, but doesn’t know what to do. Does he let her go to jail or does he help her cover up the killing? There’s also this unnecessary subplot involving Demi Moore as the police detective who is on the murder case. As the two don’t really interact and seem to be separate stories, it would’ve worked fine if she was eliminated altogether. But it’s a Hollywood movie?

Mr. Brooks, although a good serial killer movie, would have been far better if the very last scene was eliminated. It’s trite and takes away the ‘Holy crap’ ending it should have had, if ended with the previous scene.

Mr. Ice Cream Man (1995)

Extremely different in tone and direction than The Ice Cream Man released the same year, this movie is far more subdued, disturbing and dangerous because you have no idea what his agenda is until the last act of the film. The characters, a twelve-year-old boy and his friends and his sister Samantha, are all very likable and relatable, which makes it all the more terrifying because they don’t deserve what Mr. Ice Cream Man could do to them. A prime example of how a great script can overcome a low-budget.

Mr. Murder (1998)

This Dean Koontz novel adaptation is just okay. Stephen Baldwin (the little Baldwin) is an author who is accidently cloned by a secret government organization. They mistakingly take his blood from the hospital rather than the athlete they were supposed to clone. We’re shown how the clone quickly grows, to an adult within five years, and how different its behavior is from the original. The clone is used as an assassin to kill political leaders & problems. But he starts having doubts about what he’s doing, longing for a family life he never had. When he starts getting flashes of the author’s life-of his wife and two daughters-he’s compelled to find them, leaving bodies along the way. When a popular magazine comes out with an article about the author the agency realizes they’ve cloned the wrong person. There’s a confrontation between Baldwin and the doppelganger that’s somewhat lackluster and in the end the family has to flee and get a new identity because the police think that he’d done all the murders because his fingerprints are on everything. My biggest problem with this four hour movie is that I never bought it that Baldwin was this author character with a family, he just couldn’t pull it off. There was no chemistry between him and the other actors. But as the killer clone he’s good, simply because he has a creepy demeanor to begin with.As with all Dean Koontz book movie adaptations the book is better.

Mr. Sardonicus (1961)

In the mid-1800’s a London doctor, Sir Robert Cargrave, gets a message from his former girlfriend, Maude, to help her husband, Baron Sardonicus, who has a horrible affliction. Ever since he retrieved a winning lottery ticket that was mistakingly buried within the coffin of his father, his face has been frozen in a horrible grimace. It is nasty.

Dr. Cargrave is known for his new techniques for muscle relaxation and Sardonicus views him as his last hope. But Sardonicus’ mind has also been affected and he’s a cruel man. In fact, he tells Cargrave that if his technique doesn’t work he’ll have his one-eyed assistant, Krull, disfigure her face.

As with most William Castle movies this one has a “gimick” as well. At the end of the movie the audience is given the opportunity to decide Sardonicus’ fate via a “Punishment Poll”. If they voted thumbs down then it would be for the worst. Of course, almost everyone would vote thumbs down on this despicable character. Also, if I did not know this was a Castle film, I’d swear it was a Hammer Production, as it has all the key elements of their gothic movies. While actor Guy Rolfe is great as Sardonicus, the big scene stealer is character actor Oskar Homolka as his servant, Krull. There is such unrestrained glee as he tortures a maid with big black leeches!

Mulberry Street (2007)

This movie focuses on a group of tenants in an apartment building in New York City who just got an eviction notice as their building just got purchased by a company who is going to increase the rent to something none of them can afford. The good news is that they soon don’t have to worry about this as a plague breaks out in the city. This is mostly conveyed through news casts and radio, in which we hear that rats are attacking people everywhere. Once they are bitten they start transforming into these vicious rat-like creatures and attack humans. Clutch (Nick Damici) is one of the main characters and this particular day he’s waiting for the return of his daughter, Casey (Kim Blair), who is returning from Iraq. She was injured and has this big scar on the side of her face. The movie goes back and forth between the tentants in the building on Mulberry Street to her trying to make her way through this dangerous, mutant infested city. There are cameos by Debbie Rochon as a news anchor and Larry Fessenden as a New Yorker trying to flee the infestation.

The effects are simple and effective, with people in various stages of were-rat transformation. Mulberry Street can be classified as both a werewolf and a zombie movie and it’s a good monster flick. Check it out. Directed by Jim Mickle.

Mummy Lives, The (1993)

Typical mummy story, with the mummy returning from the dead to reclaim his girl, who is reincarnated. This time it’s Tony Curtis as priest Aziru. Curtis is terribly miscast, not only too old but out of place, particularly with that Brooklyn accent. There are good production values and the film is actually shot in Egypt, but there are not any scares and hardly any special effects, though at the end when he gets torched it’s good to see actual flames rather than the pitiful flame cgi effects they use nowadays. Any other mummy movie is probably better than this.

Mummy: Quest for the Lost Scrolls, The (2002)

This animated feature (well, 64 minutes) continues the story from Universal’s The Mummy and The Mummy Returns. Young Alex O’Connell and his archeologist parents are on another dig in Egypt. Alex finds this gold manacle and puts it on-and it immediately tightens so that it can’t be removed. While this is happening an evil archeologist has resurrected Imhotep with the Book of the Dead.Imhotep wants the Manacle, for with it he can rule the world. Yet its powers can only be unlocked with information contained in The Scrolls of Thebes, which are hidden somewhere else in the world. Alex needs the scrolls in order to get the manacle off of his hand-and Imhotep pursues him in order to get both the scrolls and the manacle, so he’s never too far behind the explorer family.They travel all over the world, via their dirigible, and end up in the catacombs in Paris, where the scrolls are hidden-and guarded by a huge minotaur. Alex manages to get the manacle off of his hand-but ends up putting it back on in order to save he and his family. The last of the mummy is seen battling the minotaur as water floods the catacombs. I found this to be a decent enough continuation of the story began in the Mummy movies. In additon to being shown the mummy soldiers, flesh-eating scarabs and Imhotep turning into a dust tornado, there is an abundance of creatures, from the lion-headed giant birds to dragons to a giant sand worm.

Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, The (2008)

The story is simple, the action non-stop and the Yeti’s very cool. Still, I enjoyed the previous two movies far better. It’s about twelve years after the events of the second movie and Rick and Evelyn O’Connell’s son, Alex, uncovers the tomb of an ancient Chinese emperor (Jet Li) who was bent on world domination. The emperor killed all his enemies and buried them under the Great Wall of China. He’s defeated by a witch (Michelle Yeoh), who turns him and his army into stone. The entire flashback recapping all this is great, though the “present day” interaction with O’Connell’s interacting, bored, with their sedate life was, well, boring. Although Maria Bello does a good job replacing actress Rachel Weisz, she somehow seems older than Brendan Fraser, which is a little off.

The way they are able to say that the Chinese Emperor is a mummy is that he’s still stone when he’s resurrected and when it cracks off we see his rotted body beneath, so the stone is sort of like a mummy’s bandages. Not a terrible movie, not a great one either.

Munster’s Revenge, The (1981)

This television movie was made fifteen years after the last season of The Munsters (1966). Everyone reprises their role except for Eddie and Marilyn (who would be too old). It succeeds in seeming like an extended episode, although it’s not as entertaining as Munster Go Home, their theatrical movie. You also can’t think too hard about the plot, which involves Sid Caesar as Doctor Diablo, who has created an army of robots (disguised as horror wax figures in a wax museum) to steal an Egyptian treasure that’s on display. Herman and Grandpa are arrested by the police because two of the robots sighted are in their likeness. In order to prove their innocence they escape from jail and try to expose Diablo’s plot. They end up going back to their homeland of Transylvania to retrieve a ‘life-giving’ potion, which they want to give to the mummy that’s on display. This mummy, according to Diablo, is really his brother, which makes Diablo thousands of years old. In a side-story the police detective in charge of the case has an interest in Marilyn. Eddie is hardly included in the whole thing. Cousin Phantom of the Opera has a large role and Igor, their longtime family servant in Transylvania, has a small part. The Munster’s Revenge is interesting to see if you are a fan of the television show.

Murder by Numbers (2002)

This is a surprisingly good movie, surprising because I really don’t like ‘Sandra Bullock movies’ in general. Here she’s a detective whose psychological problems both interfere and help in her trying to catch two teenagers who have committed a murder.Long ago, when she was twenty-years-old, her abusive husband dumped her body off in the woods after he thought he had killed her. Now, as a policewoman, she identifies more with the victim than the murderer. She also has big problems with relationships with men-as evident by her having sex with her new partner two days after they meet. The day after that she rejects him, playing these mind games. After a while you even forget that this is actress Bullock. The two teenagers involved are both highly intelligent-and from total opposites of the school cliques. One is a spoiled blonde guy who is popular, the other an ostracized genius. They pick a victim at random and dump her body off in the nearby forest-but we don’t know which one actually committed the murder until the end of the movie. There is a triple twist there. As serial killer movies go this is a good one.

Murder in Space (1985)

The International crew of the spaceship Conestoga are on their five-month journey back to Earth after landing on Mars. About a week away from Earth, one of the crew is murdered.. When they do an autopsy on the Russian woman they discover that she was strangled-and two months pregnant. Who murdered her? And who is the father of the child?The Canadian scientist is having an affair with the Italian crewman and the uptight German guy, who hits on all the women, is really doing it to disguise the fact that he is gay and having an affair with the pilot. Michael Ironside is the captain hated by the other Russian crew member. Fifteen years ago he used to have relations with the murdered woman, though he tries to keep that fact to himself. Then, another crew member is killed...and another. The mystery is trying to figure out who is doing what and why, as it may be more than one person doing the killings. Wilfred Brimley is great as the commander of Mission control, as is Martin Balsam (original Psycho) as the Russian laison. Arthur Hill (Andromeda Strain) is the Vice-President. If I’m not mistaken, I believe all of the footage of the Conestoga spaceship is stock footage taken from Roger Corman’s Battle Beyond the Stars, which has since been cannibalized to death. Murder in Space is entertaining, not because it’s a good science fiction film or mystery-but because it’s a prime example of the type of soap opera that came out of the 80’s, complete with weird hair and clothes. A better name would be Dynasty in Space.

Murder in the Heartland (1993)

This biopic about serial killer Charlie Starkweather features a great cast, including Tim Roth (Planet of the Apes) as Starkweather, Fairuza Balk (The Island of Doctor Moreau) as his girlfriend, Randy Quaid as a police investigator and Renee Zellweiger in a small cameo. There’s even actor Roberts Blossom, who had portrayed a serial killer in Deranged (basically the Ed Gein story). The story follows Starkweather on his killing spree in the late 1950’s and Roth gives a mesmerizing performance as the sociopath. The movie is worth checking out for this alone. As it’s a made-for-television movie the violence is off-screen, yet it’s still effective. If you’re interested in serial killers this is worth checking out.

Murder Machine (2010)

This independent slasher movie begins with a scene in New York City, in which a prostitute is led off into some buildings and killed by a shaven-headed guy in a suit. He stabs her to death and leaves her corpse on the street. The title sequence then shows him, car stalled, out in the country. He gets out and then comes across a farmhouse, where he systematically slays the entire family, beginning with the husband. But the little girl manages to call the police and they surround the place but not before he slits her throat. They take the serial killer into custody and that’s where the real story begins.

All of this is covered by the local news—and for once in a low-budget feature this actually looks like real news footage with a real reporter, not someone’s overweight sister who has never acted before. Anyways, he’s taken into the police station and a few of the police lock him in a room with three other convicts, naively believing they’ll punish him. Instead, he slaughters them all. The sheriff in charge turns out to be a former Hollywood actor who starred in a horror movie as “Murder Machine”, drawing his experience dealing with killers for his method acting. He had retired but his former agent, this blowhard, comes to his office and tries to get him to act again. He explains that he can’t because he felt he was typecast and that the cost was too high (his wife left him, et cetera). Soon, two FBI agents show up to take the serial killer away, only they are quickly killed and the guy escapes. He then kills that agent and eventually captures the Sheriff’s daughter, murdering many of her teenaged friends along the way. It’s a final confrontation between the two, with the daughter’s life at stake. It’s here that it becomes very clear the killer is more than human, after they shoot him numerous times and leave a gaping whole in the middle of his torso. The ending, though, is the kicker. I wasn’t expecting that. Sure, I thought the killer would pop back up at the end but not for what happens afterwards.

For the most part the special effects are great, particularly when a woman’s hand is sawed off (unlike the rubber eyeball). If I were to compare this movie to another it would be The Dark Half, only with an actor instead of a writer. And sure, not of the actors will be winning any awards here BUT if you’re looking for a good, relentless, no-holds-barred slasher movie this is it. Directed by Ritch Yarber.

Murdercycle (2000)

In addition to this being how Ed Sullivan would pronounce the word ‘motorcycle’, this is also a lame killer vehicle movie from Full Moon. An alien meteor falls to Earth and merges with both a motorcycle and its driver. This happens near a secret government base, which is studying a similar captured meteorite. A dishonorably discharged marine is recruited to head a team in to figure out what’s going on, though the CIA guy with them seems to already have the answers. The Murdercycle shoots these lasers and runs over people. The majority of the action takes place in the daylight, in which looks like an Old Western set. The secret government base is located beneath this. The actors playing the marines are miscast and the woman who is the ‘psychic’ has a pair of the weirdest eyebrows I’ve ever seen. Overall, the movie seems cheap and rushed.

Murderous Intent (2006)

In England, a prep-school student (also son of the headmaster) is accused of shooting a fellow classmate with a shotgun. Through interviews with the police and psychologist (Toni Collete), we’re shown in flashbacks what exactly happened to lead up to the event. The dead student, Nigel, is very much in the Norman Bates mold, so much so that it’s laughable. First, he looks like a young Anthony Perkins, his character has the hobby of taxidermy and he has an incestuous relationship with his mother. A better title for this movie would be Psycho: The Prep-School Years. This is an unintentionally hilarious murder/mystery/psycho movie.

Mustang Sally’s Horror House (2007)

80’s film actress E.G. Daily headlines this extremely low-budget, cheap looking revenge movie. While she does a passable job, the cleverest thing about the entire movie is the play on words with the title. You see, she’s the madame of a whore house that’s out in the woods and a group of college-aged guys go there. Little do they realize that they are all going to be killed, which has something to do with their father’s raping Sally long ago. The killings are unspectacular and the script amateurish. And the movie has one of the worst lead actors I have seen in a very long while. So far this is on the top of my list for “Top Ten Worst Horror Movies for 2007”.

Mutant Chronicles (2009)

This movie honestly surprised me in how good is, primarily because I’ve been hearing mixed reviews about it the past few months. However, Mutant Chronicles is one cool movie and so far, one of the best horror flicks of 2009.

It’s about seven hundred years in the future and mankind has used up almost all the planet’s natural resources, to such an extent that even the spaceships are rigged to work on coal. People are still at war and it’s during one of these battles that this ancient mutant-making machine is awakened—and unleashes a bunch of mutants, who quickly decimate the human troops. One soldier by the name of Mitch Hunter (Thomas Jane) escapes, though he’s recruited by a monk named Brother Samuel (Ron Perlman) to try and stop this alien invasion force. The last time these creatures were seen was during the Roman empire. While the big corporations that rule the Earth flee to the safety of Mars, a ragtag group of soldiers travel underground to the source of the mutants, which is this huge spaceship that takes humans and transforms them into scythe appendaged monsters. The process is creepy and unrelenting—and a lot of them don’t make it.

The production values of Mutant Chronicles are great and the director, Simon Hunter, has succeeded in creating a very convincing future world. The movie also has an ironic ending that had me chuckling.

Mutant Man (1996)

Two women, who want to ‘get away from it all’ pack up their kids in their mobile home and go on a camping trip. As soon as you can say ‘The Hills Have Eyes’ their camper breaks down and they encounter an inbred white-trash family complete with cannibalistic tendencies. One by one the family is attacked by the titles ‘Mutant Man’ who is basically a tall guy with a dirty face, bad teeth and an even worse blonde wig. All of the characters are stereotypical, from the token ‘nerd’ to the bickering brother and sister and you don’t really care when they’re systematically dispatched. Needless to say Mutant Man comes off as a watered down version of Wrong Turn or Mother’s Day.

Mutant X: Season One (2001)

A girl named Emma (Lauren Lee Smith of Trick ‘R Treat) is being pursued by some thugs and before they are able to grab her she is rescued by a group of people who exhibit extra-normal abilities. One can change his body’s density, so he can become like rock, and a blonde woman is strong and vicious like a cat. This is Jesse and Shalimar (Victoria Pratt) While they are beating up the bad guys their leader steps out. This is Adam (John Shea of Lois & Clark). He offers Emma sanctuary and takes her back to their hideout on an island, which they get to in this futuristic looking jet. Once there, he explains that the source of all mutants is a company called Genomax, which had conducted experiments years ago. Back then he was their head geneticist. Now he’s devoted his life to protect the mutants, as he believes they are the next step in mankind’s evolution.

The bad guy is Mason Eckhart, who worked with Adam at Genomax and now runs the place, which is a part of the government. Its goal nowis to hunt down and either kill the mutants or put them in these stasis chambers. Mason blames Adam for the collapse of his immune system and must now wear plastic skin. In fact, with the white hair he looks just like Andy Warhol. That alone would give him cause for revenge! In just about each episode Mason hires a mutant traitor to track down the other mutants—and they end up getting killed or irritate Eckhart so bad he puts them in stasis. So each new story has a different bad mutant.

The first half of the season centers around the two new members, Emma and Brennan. She is an empath and he can generate electricity and hurl it like lightning. We also learn more about Jesse when we meet his father (Art Hindle of Clonemaster, Offspring) and Adam, when we meet a former flame. She has a daughter who may be his. There’s the obligatory “double” episode, when Emma is split into a good and bad version of herself. At the end of the season Eckhart is literally put on ice by a group of evil mutants who take over the facility, hopefully alluding that Season Two will be better.

This isn’t a bad series, just a bit cheap looking since most of the events take place it five locations—their hideout, the bad guy’s building, a warehouse, an alley or a parking structure. I suspect this syndicated television series began as an adaptation of the Marvel Comics Mutant X or New Mutants, since creator Ari Avad has been producer on so many of the Marvel comic to film adaptations. That aside, Mutant X is definitely its own thing.

Mutant X: Season Two (2002)

In this season all of the mutants are more powerful since their specific powers are increasing with age. The tone of the show is darker and there are less glitzy computer graphics. Their mountain hideout is now a “real” island location rather than a lame computer generated effect. Also, more use is made of stock locations footage, such as New York City and Egypt.

Ashlock, the powerful mutant who was released after twenty-five years in a forced coma, took over Genomax at the end of the first season. In the first episode he taunts hot babe Shalimar Fox (Victoria Pratt) by putting himself in her mind. This really ticks her off. Later, we find out that Ashlock is dying from energy overload and hopes that a witch from three thousand years ago can help him. He manages to clone her and there’s a big battle that ends in a bigger explosion. In a time travel episode, Ashlock goes back in time to 1978 so he can change his past and perhaps cure himself. We see that he was a psychopathic kid and that Adam Kane procedure (John Shea of Lois & Clark) him caused him to become an even more unstable mutant. That’s why he was placed in a coma to begin with. There’s a confrontation, the older Adam is killed and for some reason this starts slowly undoing things in the present, like entire sections of the hideout vanishing. So the mutants have to go back in time again, to prevent their leader’s death. In one of the more interesting episodes the group encounters a Feral, like Shalimar, who has mutated even more and resembles a werewolf. This, of course, concerns Shalimar, who doesn’t want to turn into an animal. Surprisingly, Ashlock is killed when his energy grows too much and he explodes, though he leaves a pregnant girlfriend behind.

The last episode of the season has the reappearance of Mason Eckhart, the villain from the first season. Only he looks completely different, with normal hair and skin tone. He’s taken over the company that Shalimar’s father owns and is trying to make the perfect human with mutant powers. There’s a confrontation and the building they are in explodes (yes, there are tons of explosions this season!), with them all hanging on until there’s another blast, which ends up killing half of them. We don’t find out who the survivors are until the third season...

Mutants (2009)

Sonia and Marco are ambulance drivers, in France. A virus is raging across the countryside which is transforming humans into a sort of animalistic zombie. But these are more of the type of “Zombies” we’ve seen in 28 Days Later, not the undead.

First, the couple has to get away from an overzealous army woman, then they take refuge in an old deserted building. But Marco has been bitten and it’s only a matter of time before he begins to mutant. Sonia cares for him as long as she can and is forced to lock him in one of the rooms once he tries to attack her. This is when a group of survivors crashes the place—and they are not exactly friendly humans.

The entire movie takes place against a winter backdrop, which provides some interesting visuals, and it’s an intense survival tale, like 30 Days of Night. Mutants is one of the better “zombie” movies I’ve seen in years.

Mutilation Man, The 1988)

This is one intense movie. A man (Terek Puckett), who practices self-mutilation (which is shown in gruesome closeup), wanders a strange surreal wasteland where he continually sees acts of depravity and cannibalism. This is interspersed with flashbacks from the man’s childhood, when he was abused by his evil father, portrayed by Jim Van Bebber. You see, this is the man’s private journey into madness and we’re along for the emotional ride. This is an extremely well-done character study, told virtually without any dialogue in the film’s 90 minute. And although incredibly gorey, the gore is integral to telling the tale—it’s not just there for window dressing. Who says splatter films can’t be deep?

My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)

The first third of this movie is great, getting right to the gore and feel of an 80’s horror movie. After a mine collapses one miner is found to be alive, though it looks like he killed all the other miners who were trapped with him, so he could have all the air. He’s in a coma and wakes up one year later, to continue killing. He slaughters everyone he meets in the hospital and we see all the mutilated bodies. It even looks like he took the heart out of one of them. Tom Atkins (The Fog Halloween 3, Night of the Creeps) portrays the Sheriff who tracks the killer down into the mine, where he’s killed a bunch of partygoers. Then we skip ten years later...

This rest of the movie is painfully long, predictable and the identity of the killer is telegraphed in big red glowing letters. It’s no surprise whatsoever even though the writers try to make you think it may be someone else. No such luck. In fact, it’s so obvious it makes it boring when the other characters are trying to figure out who it is. We know already! And while the 3-D is really cool in that first half hour, particularly with the guy’s eye popping out (a la Friday the 13th 3-D), there’s only so many times you can see that pick-ax coming towards you before you start yawning. And although Jensen Ackles is great on Supernatural he is badly miscast as one of the leads here.

If you want to see this remake for the sheer novelty of seeing a 3-D horror movie then go ahead. If you want to see a far better movie rent the original. Directed by Patrick Lussier (Dracula 2000, White Noise 2)

My Mouth Lies Screaming (2009)

Begins with a woman being slashed to death in her bathtub by an assailant who leaves behind a bow-tie as his calling card. Of course, the news quickly christens him “The Bow Tie Killer”. Then the story goes to reckless lovers Antonio and Evelyn, who are speeding along in a convertible and jokingly hit a pedestrian, calling him a “stupid pedestrian” while laughing hysterically. Antonio is hoping that the serial killer will go after his wife and Evelyn wishes for the death of her invalid husband (director Mike Legge) who is being kept alive by his quack doctor. Then one day Antonio decides to act upon his murderous tendencies and pushes a plugged in radio into his wife’s bathtub—but it doesn’t work and only shocks himself. So he makes it look as if the Bow Tie Killer did it—and decapitates her. Soon after he runs into the doctor of Evelyn’s husband, who can do miracles with needle and threat. When Antonio explains that his wife if decapitated the doctor rushes in and sews her head back on—and she lives! Least to say, Antonio is not so happy about this.

There’s some other weird characters, such as a nurse who likes having sex with helium balloons and, of course, the killer himself, who has a very direct connection to the psycho couple. And as with any Mike Legge movie there’s plenty of quirky humor and funny lines like when Evelyn turns to her lover and says “I thought murder would bring us closer together”. My Mouth Lies Screaming is a good solid giallo spoof. And you know what they say—”There’s always room for giallo”.

My Soul to Take (2010)

A serial killer with a split personality tries to give himself up to the authorities, only to stab his pregnant wife. He’s about to kill his three year old daughter before the police shoot him. That night seven premature kids are born in that town and it’s suggested that they are aspects of his different personalities reborn. We’re introduced to the seen kids sixteen years later and they fill out the usual stereotypes—the jock, the token African-American, the good girl, the bad girl. The main character is “Bug” (Max Thieriot, who looks like a clone of Nick Stahl). He has the weird habit to mimic people’s speech in a possessed-like trance. Could he be the reincarnated killer? The first two thirds of this movie are interesting but it quickly goes down a familiar, predictable path in the final half hour. It felt too much like it was relying on Craven’s previous Nightmare on Elm Street and Shocker movies.

My Stepdad is a Freakin’ Vampire (2010)

Very well produced vampire film from first time feature director Dave Matheny. I tell you, I see dozens of independent films a year and the majority look as if they were shot with existing light with improvised locations and little forethought, so it’s a plus to see that, for once, care was taken in making this movie. It’s well scripted, it has good locations, it’s well-shot and yes, they actually had lights and knew how to use them. And special effects? Plenty of stakings, bat-people and creepy zombies.

It begins with high-schooler Rusty having another altercation with his stepfather, who he thinks is an asshole. His mother goes away for a few days, leaving the two of them alone and this is when Rusty finds the dead body stashed away in the attic. It’s of Chuck, a missing postal worker. Rusty calls the police but when they get there the only thing they find is a dead rat. And the policeman is the father of Rusty’s best friend, Travis. Then, Rusty gets a note at school that indicates someone else believes him about this stepdad being a murderer. So he goes to the designated meeting location with Travis and they find out the note was written by Gert, the school’s janitor. They think the guy is crazy, until Chuck shows up, now a vampire. Gert has been after the stepdad for years, since he killed his family.

Rusty finds out that his stepfather is after a key which will unlock the key to “the other side”, where all the other vampires have been banished. The guy had been their leader and had escaped, then spending hundreds of years looking for a comeback. The teenagers realize that the key is buried with Rusty’s dead father, so they have to dig him up and retrieve it. Only the vampire stepdad gets there first and unlocks the door, releasing these cool looking bat creatures. Of course, this all happens on Halloween and there’s some humorous scenes in which the boys have to hunt down the creatures, running them over in their van. This is a very entertaining movie, along the lines of Fright Night, Lost Boys and My Mother is a Werewolf.

My Super Ex-Girlfriend (2006)

This is one of those superhero spoofs like Mystery Men or The Specials, so if you did not enjoy those movies you should avoid this. On the other hand, if you dug those movies then you’ll definitely dig this. In fact, I think this movie is rather brilliant and I’m surprised it hasn’t been done before.

The premise is that a guy (Luke Wilson) starts dating a wallflower, who is slightly crazy and very needy, and he finds out that she’s really “G-Woman” (Uma Thurman) who is basically the female equivalent of Superman. At first he thinks this is cool but when he realizes that he’s not in love with her but is in love with a female co-worker at his office, he dumps her, which is a big mistake. She puts holes in his New York apartment roof, hurls his car into orbit and even throws a live shark at him. If you ever had a crazy girlfriend you can definitely relate to his predicament (which definitely makes it a horror story!).

The special effects are great, some of the situations truly hilarious (such as the sex scenes) and the relationship between the super-heroine and her arch nemesis is a hoot. I definitely recommend this. Directed by Ivan Reitman (Ghostbusters)

Mysterious Island (2005)

This Hallmark Tv adaptation of the Jules Verne novel, while more faithful to the book, is not as engaging as the Ray Harryhausen effects movie from the 1960’s. A group of Civil War prisoners manage to steal a hot air balloon and end up on a tropical island where the animal life has grown to gigantic proportions. There are giant scorpions, snakes and lizards. Also on the island is the infamous Captain Nemo (Patrick Stewart), who has been working on a weapon to end all wars. He reasons that once people see what horrible destruction will happen, that they’ll avoid war at all costs. The leader of the Civil War refugees thinks he’s bonkers and wants no part in helping him. So Nemo casts out his new guests, who have to somehow survive all the huge animals trying to eat them. They find refuge in a cliffside cave and hole out there until another enemy arrives—- pirates. This movie is entertaining enough, if not a little too long, and Stewart gives a good performance as Captain Nemo.

Mysterious Island (2010)

Captain Cyrus Harding (Lochlyn Munro), a former slave and a few others escape in a hot air balloon during the Civil War and find themselves high over the ocean. There are some weird lights in the clouds and they are sucked into a “hole”. They awaken to find themselves on a strange island. Soon after a few more people show up—a small plane from 2012, carrying Julia Fogg (Gina Holden of Flash Gordon TV series) and her sister Abby crashes. Harding rescues them when they are attacked by these human-shaped creatures. Eventually they come to a Plantation-like house in the middle of the forest, which turns out to be the abode of Captain Nemo. In a flashback scene we see how Nemo’s experiments with nuclear power created this weird place—which is The Bermuda Triangle. Mark Shepphard (Supernatural, The Bionic Woman)  portrays the young Captain Nemo). The Nautilus is actually buried beneath this house.

All in all this is an interesting movie adaptation of the Jules Verne novel, combining the classic tale with the mythos of the Bermuda Triangle. My only gripe is that the only giant animal they encounter is a little-utilized Octopus. The movie has an open end, presumably for an unnecessary sequel (or series, anyone?).

Mysterious Island: The Series (1995)

The first episode, which takes place during a battle in the American Civil War, introduces the group of characters. They are Captain Cyrus Harding (Alan Scarfe of 7 Days), Joanna Pencroft, her teenaged step-son Herbert (Gordon Michael Woolvett of Andromeda TV series), her husband Jack, a newspaper reporter named Gideon and African American Neb Brown. They are captured and are about to be executed by firing squad, when they manage to escape in a hot-air balloon. However, they aren’t able to let air out to land and so end up there for days, over the ocean, until they spot an island below. Someone on the island sees them. This is Captain Nemo. He fires his gun and blows a hole in the balloon. It rapidly starts descending, too quickly, and they start tossing stuff out so they’ll make it to the island. Cyrus, wanting to save the others, jumps out two miles away. They assume he drowns. All of the others land on the tropical island—and two of them find a cave with a fire, which means someone else is on the island.

In the second episode they find the Cyrus in that cave and he says that a green light saved him. This green light again appears to save a few others. When Jack and his son Herbert are trapped in a cave, the light leads them out through an underwater passage. When three others go up to the highest mountain, to get a lay of the land, one takes a dip in the nearby lake and is attacked by something that wraps around him. A green light appears and it lets go. And Captain Nemo, in a voiceover at the beginning, says how he’s basically going to put them through hell in his experiment of human behavior.

Not only does Nemo (John Bach) have an advanced submarine hidden in a cavern beneath the island, he’s able to watch the castaways via these camera and microphones he has hidden throughout the island. He is even able to record these images for later viewing. In the middle of the series he sends out a message in a bottle, which leads the group to another castaway on the island. He’s disheveled and acts like an animal. They all assume he wrote the note but later, when pirates come for their buried treasure, it’s revealed who he really is. In other episodes African warriors appear on the island, as do a group of Maori from New Zealand. Two of the main characters are also killed, though one of them is miraculously brought back (mostly) in the last episode.

Eventually, the group discover Nemo and even manage to get aboard his ship. He explains everything to them, how he’s conducting an experiment, and promises to take them off the island to the mainland. However, while they are all waiting on the beach for the submarine to arrive he takes off, once again leaving them all stranded.

I found this an decent enough series with some interesting characters, particularly the Cyrus, Joanna and Herbert characters, who change throughout the story. This is also the most negative portrayal of Captain Nemo I’ve ever seen— this guy is a complete asshole. This is by no means Lost but a nevertheless entertaining show.

Mysterious Planet (1983)

Loosely based on Jules Verne’s classic novel Mysterious Island, a group of spacefarers crash land on an alien planet and encounter strange giant creatures such as two headed giant sail and a flying reptile. An early film by Brett Piper.

Mystery on Monster Island (1981)

I’ve always been curious about this movie, as it’s an adaptation of Jules Verne’s Mysterious Island. Well, it’s an extremely loose adaptation of that novel and I really lame movie to boot.

The premise is that a young man wants to travel the world before he marries his girlfriend, so his rich uncle (Peter Cushing, who is in the movie for five minutes) sends him on an exploration ship, which is soon boarded by lame ass looking amphibian monsters and then explodes, leaving the guy stranded on a weird volcanic island with another survivor. He encounters some very stupid looking dinosaur like creatures and giant insects and meets a few other people. Then there are these pirates who show up, led by Terrence Stamp (Superman II), who is in the movie for five minutes, like Peter Cushing. The ending is truly unlikely and unbelievable and succeeds in making the movie a complete waste of time. Oh, and Paul Naschy is in the movie for the first five minutes.

“N” Titles

Name for Evil, A (1972)

Robert Culp (Spectre, Greatest American Hero, I Spy) decides to movie he and his young wife (Samantha Eggar of Curtains, The Brood) to an old mansion he inherited from his great grandfather, who was known as ‘The Major’. Once there he discovers the place is an utter mess, falling apart. He starts fixing it up and along the way the construction team discovers a hidden room which is perfectly intact. This is where his great grandfather spent most of his time. Culp starts to become more dictatorial towards his wife and the people working for him, which may be due to an influence by the spirit of his dead ancestor. Every so often the movie abruptly cuts to a flashback scene from a hundred years before. As the movie progresses events become more surreal and dream-like. Culp has an affair with a local woman hippie who lives in a shack nearby. Eventually he throws his wife out a window. The movie ends with him at her funeral, on the grounds of the old mansion, and as he walks away the picture dissolves to an almost identical shot of his great grandfather walking towards the house. great deal isn’t obviously explained in the movie and is oftentimes overly-ambiguous. Still, it’s a weird, creepy movie.

Nanny, The (1965)

Joey is a ten-year-old boy who returns home after two years of attending a school for “problem children”. His overly emotional mother doesn’t want to pick him up so the father takes his Nanny (Bette Davis) instead. The boy hates her for some reason and does not trust her. In fact, he refuses to eat any food she makes and locks the doors behind him. He thinks that she will try to kill him. Why? Because the death of his younger sister. The parents blamed him for her drowning in the bathtub but he adamantly believes the Nanny killed her.

This is one of those movies where you go back and forth deciding who is crazier—the kid or this old lady. It’s a very well structured, creepy movie from Hammer. Recommended.

Natas: The Reflection (1983)

A small-town reporter becomes obsessed with uncovering the truth behind the Native American legend of Natas, which is based in the Chirakawa Mountains in New Mexico. After he gets fired for neglecting his job he takes off to do some exploring. He finds a two hundred year old Indian who tells him where to find Natas. He follows what the old man says and discovers an old Western ghost town complete with zombie cowboys. He’s almost lynched but escapes and makes his way back to civilization. On the next trip he takes his girlfriend and a few other friends back to the ghost town-and most are killed. He and the girlfriend make their way up the mountain and confront Natas, who is actually pretty cool looking. He resembles one of the Gargoyles from the movie Gargoyles. They end of defeating the demon, amidst fog and cheap laser effects, and freeing all the souls he’s held captive over the years. When they go back down the mountain they find that all of their slain friends are alive-everything they encountered was an illusion. What a stupid ending-should’ve really ended with Natas’ death. Natas, by the way, is Satan spelled backwards, for those you who haven’t guessed.

Nautilus (2000)

This strange mixture of good production values, bad acting, decent special effects and a truly messy screenplay will keep you hooked to the screen, primarily because you’ll probably be saying ‘I can’t believe it!’. A hundred years in the future the crew of the submarine Nautilus travel back in time to our present day in order to stop a power company that is drilling into the Earth’s mantle. They believe that this will cause a series of natural disasters that will nearly destroy mankind. We’re shown what this future world looks like in the opening credits, with collapsed buildings, fire and desolation. The drill is located on an ocean oil rig, which you’d think the Nautilus would have no problem stopping. Instead, there’s a lot of talk-and the destruction of an armed ship. The captain of the Nautilus wants to show two of the scientists what will happen if they drill-and this is replayed on the front screens of the ships. But once the captain thinks he has changed history he checks the timeline and everything has remained the same. It turns out that the Nautilus is responsible for the terrible future world. First, why is it they have a submarine go back in time? Secondly, if they can go back in time you would think they wouldn’t appear hours before the whole cataclysmic event is supposed to happen. It shouldn’t be a race against time-after all, they have all the time in the world if they have a time machine! One of the main characters is this annoying mercenary guy with an Australian accent who is hired as the oil rig’s chief of security. Think of all the one-liners he could say and he says them. After the first hour the movie gets a bit redundant and ends exactly how you think it would end.

Neanderthal Man, The (1953)

In this low-budget horror flick we’re introduced to a doctor who has a daughter that looks almost his same age. You know right away he’s going to do something bad because he has those crazy “Mad Doctor” eyes. He’s upset because he hears a crash and goes to his lab to see that something broke out through the window.

Then, we cut to a hunter in the mountains who hears a roar and soon thereafter spots a saber-toothed tiger through his binoculars. Only it’s stock footage of a real tiger and it doesn’t have tusks. It runs off and leaps onto the room of another guy’s car. For a brief flash we see the creature with its mouth open, showing the huge tusks, only it looks like the stuffed animal it is. And the scientists later say that these cats have been extinct for a million years (really, only 12,000-10,000). Later, we find out that he injected his de-evolution serum into a regular house cat, which transformed into this five hundred pound tiger.

The doctor is also in a bad mood because his peers don’t believe his theories that Neanderthal man was as intelligent as modern man. So he injects himself with the reversal serum and transforms into a very ape-like creature. He opens the window to his lab and goes out into the woods where he kills a hunger and his dog. When he’s finished he returns to the lab and closes the window behind him. Well, if nothing else, he’s proved that Neanderthal man is smart enough to open and close a window. By the end of the movie his transformations get out of hand and he’s eventually gunned down.

This is one of those movies you see as a kid that sticks with you, though the memories are far better than revisiting it on DVD. The similar Monster on the Campus (1958) is much better.

Near Dark (1987)

Cowboy Caleb Colton (Adrian Pasdar) gets involved with Mae (Jenny Wright of I, Madman), a strange young woman who happens to be a vampire. She bites him—and he gets taken by her band of vampires on a crazy road trip where they kill people along the way. Among them are Jesse Hooker (Lance Henriksen), Severen (Bill Paxton),  and Homer (John Miller), who looks like a ten-year-old boy but is the oldest of the bunch.

These vampires can’t go out in sunlight, so they cover the windows of their vehicles and wear goggles in order to drive in the day. This is a realistic, gritty vampire tale,

co-written by Eric Red, directed by Kathryn Bigelow. Highly recommended.

Near Death Experience, The (2008)

Ellie Daly has an allergic reaction to some food and almost dies. She wakes up in the hospital and suddenly has the ability to see and converse with ghosts, as though they were living people. One spirit, a woman, wants her help—and it seems as if her husband had killed her. Then, Ellie runs into her husband and son, who are now going under different names. Did he kidnap the son and kill his wife? Or is something else going on?

Amy Acker (Dollhouse, Angel) does a valiant job here as Ellie and I liked the story, in the sense that the ghosts here aren’t telling the truth. They’re as messed up as the living people. However, A Near Death Experience comes off as a weak Lifetime movie. There’s not enough threat or conflict to it.  Also known as Voices.

Necro Files (1997)

Another Matt Jaissle (Legion of the Night) directed fiasco, this film looks slightly more competent than the shot on Super 8mm Back from Hell (Home Video 1997) but comes off like a desperate attempt to cash in on the X-File’s popularity while throwing in as much needless gore as possible. Perhaps they were trying to cover up in blood what they couldn’t accomplish with the movie.

Negadon: The Monster from Mars (2008)

This is a near perfect homage to the Toho giant monster movies from the 60’s and 70’s, although this entire half-hour film is computer animated. The story takes place in the near future and the colonizing of Mars as awoken a huge monster which comes to earth and reigns destruction. An aging, retired scientist, still mourning the death of his young daughter over a decade before because of an accident in his lab, realizes he’s earth’s only hope—and activates this huge robot he constructed to battle the creature. He sits inside the robot’s head and controls it, bringing to mind Johnny Socko’s Giant Robot.

If you’re finding you need to scratch your itch for a giant monster movie then watch this.

Nemesis 4: Cry of Angels (1997)

An overly muscled woman named Alex (Sue Price), who is a mutant/cyborg herself, dispatches enemies by having sex-and then crushing her victims between her legs. There’s lots of talking, lots of cyborgs with mechano-crap stuck to their faces, and not too much storyline. This does fit with director Albert “I want to be a cyborg” Pyun’s other NEMESIS movies, but that first one will always be the best. After seeing this I think the cyborgs need a time out.

Nemesis Game (2003)

Carly Pope is a college student who gets involved in a “Dungeons & Dragons” type game in which she’s in some remote urban area and has to solve a series of clues. Adrian Paul (Highlander series) portrays the guy who has introduced her to the game, someone who has a deadly secret of his own. As the game progresses the danger escalates, until the dead bodies start appearing. Overall, there’s not enough suspense and I found the main character fairly irritating.

Neon Maniacs (1984)

A group of high school kids are partying in their van at a city park when along come these mutant looking freaks. They all look like they have different occupations-one is dressed like a policeman, another a surgeon and yet another an indian. They kill everyone except for Natalie, who is found by the police. She tells them her story-how these maniacs came out and killed all her friends-but no one believes her. They still don’t believe her when none of her friends ever return home! But there’s one boy in her high school that does believe. Because she had seen the monsters they try to track her down, only to be foiled at the last minute.For some reason the monsters come out from under the Golden Gate Bridge and can’t stand water. If water hits them they start melting. So during the high school Halloween party Natalie and her new boyfriend, who is also playing in the band, devise a plan to kill the Neon Maniacs with a bunch of squirt guns. It pretty much works. Of course, the movie is open ended for a sequel that was thankfully not made!There is bad electronic 80’s music and hair, teenagers who look as if they are twenty-five years old and a nonsensical story. I don’t really know what to make of this movie as it’s not entirely awful yet not redeeming enough to recommend to anyone.

Neowolf (2010)

No, this is not a movie where Keanu Reeves turns into a Matrix-Werewolf. Instead, Tony, a singer who wants fame and fortune, returns back to his girlfriend Rosemary. He’s in love with her and has given up his big time dreams to go back to her. She doesn’t believe he has changed his wandering ways so she’s reluctant to take him back. Against her better judgement she does. But after a traveling band, Neowolf, comes to town things change for the worse. He auditions and they accept him. He’s seduced by Paula, the only female member of the band, and is bitten on the neck. We see her partly transform into a werewolf as this happens. When he starts playing with the band his eyes turn red. He even transforms the personal song he made for his girlfriend into a much darker, edgier tune, which obviously shows he’s gone to “the dark side”. She wants to save him so she goes to a woman (Veronica Cartwright) who may know how to stop werewolves.

At first I liked it that the werewolves were old school, like in Skinwalkers, more man than wolf. There are some well-done killing scenes at the beginning of the film, when a couple is kicked off the Neowolf bus, only to be hunted down in the desert that night. Yet some of the charm wore off with the big confrontation at the end of the movie in which the wolfmen much more resembled a bunch of Neanderthal Men. Neowolf has much more of a feeling of The Howling movies, by way of Lost Boys, than it does the Twilight franchise. This aside, I do recommend the movie. It has some surprisingly good music.

Neptune Factor, The (1973)

While a group of deep sea divers are testing out new state-of-the-art equipment, an ocean lab, there’s an underwater earthquake, a crevasse opens and the entire ocean lab falls in. However, Dr. Samuel Andrews (Walter Pidgeon of Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea movie) and his chief diver MacKay (Ernest Borgnine) feel that they may be alive. So they take an experimental sub, lead by Cmdr. Adrian Blake (Ben Gazzara) down into the trench. Yvette Mimieux (The Time Machine) is also on board for eye candy. They are surprised when they go down into the trench and find giant plants and animals which look exactly like species they are familiar with.

The first part of this movie is great. There’s real ships, real submersibles and people diving. Yet when they get into the experimental craft and are steering amongst the giant creatures, the miniature sub looks like it’s being pulled along in someone’s salt water aquarium. The only threatening scene is when MacKay goes outside and is pursued through seaweed by a huge striped tiger looking fish. Otherwise, I had a hard time suspending my belief in all of this.

Never Cry Werewolf (2008)

Although I enjoyed this werewolf movie it’s a blatant remake of Fright Night. A guy who is a werewolf moves into the house next door and the girl living there suspects he’s a werewolf after she sees him with a prostitute from her bedroom window—and that woman is reported dead the next day. But the werewolf has plans for her, as she looks exactly like his lost love whose picture he keeps in a pocket watch (just as in Fright Night, Charlie’s girlfriend looked just like the vampire’s old love). She even has a nerdy friend who is in the “Evil Ed” part and he gets transformed into a half-werewolf creature.

Kevin Sorbo (HERCULES, ANDROMEDA) is a tv game hunter who gets sucked into helping, the “Roddy McDowell” character presented here as another actor who has to really do what he portrays on film. It’s an entertaining movie and worth checking out but I’d re-watch Fright Night first.

Never Let Me Go (2010)

Ruth, Kathy and Tommy are three children at what seems to be a special boarding school in England. The kids are taught how to behave and that if they leave the school grounds something terrible will happen to them. They are best friends until they become teenagers. Ruth (Kiera Knightley) is jealous of the obvious chemistry between Kathy and Tommy, so she becomes his girlfriend. Kathy doesn’t fight for him. In fact, everyone, including all the other students, are a bit too passive. We learn that this is a different world from our Earth. While many things are similar it’s revealed that mankind has embraced using clones to extend human life—and that this trio are being raised as organ donors. When Kathy and Tommy reunite as adults, Kathy is a caregiver for the donors and Tommy has gone through his second surgery. They think that if they can prove they are in love that they’ll be granted more time together. Although this is primarily a love story, it’s a creepy, unsettling movie. Granted, it’s not as blatant as The Clonus Horror but it deals with the subject in a realistic way.

Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1960)

This is an unsettling story, the most suspenseful movie on these discs. A school principal has just moved his family to a small town in Canada and they are set to begin their new lives. But one day his young nine-year-old daughter comes home and says that an old man invited her in his house and gave her and her friend candy after they took off their clothes and danced for him. The mother freaks out and wants to report it to the police, the husband thinks it might not be true and the grandmother says it’s no big deal. Even the captain of the police department dismisses this story, saying “no real harm has been done”, which infuriates the mother. It turns out that the old man is the grandfather of the Alderberry family, which controls much of the business and income in the town. They are practically untouchable. Richard Alderberry goes over to their house denying anything is wrong with his father—and the parents of the other girl insist she was playing elsewhere that day. However, they do decide to press charges and the case goes to court. The old, lecherous man is found innocent by the jury. The parents decide to pick up and move but not before their daughter and her friend get lost in the woods—-chased by that same old man. And he’s really crazy this time. Will they find their children before he does something much worse than simply watch them?

Also known as Never Take Sweets From A Stranger.

Neverwhere (1996)

This six-part BBC Produced television series is created by Neil Gaiman, who is probably best known for scripting the 70+ issue run of DC Comic’s The Sandman. Richard Mayhew is a typical working stiff with a typically average life. One night, on the way to the theatre with his stuck-up girlfriend, he goes to help what appears to be a homeless girl, who has been injured. The girlfriend tells him that if he stays and helps that she’ll call off their engagement. He chooses to help the girl, whose name is Door. It turns out Door is a queen, of sorts, of London Below, which is this darker world that exists within London, comprised of the homeless and forgotten people. The supernatural also exists here, from Succubi to talking rats to evil Angels. When Mayhew helps her and acknowledges her existence, his role in his world starts to disappear. He goes to stop a cab and no cab stops. He goes to work and no one sees him. His apartment is even being re-rented, the landlord saying that the previous occupant has disappeared.So he ends up going to London Below with Door and her companions, who are the mysterious Marquis and an Amazonian Bodyguard. Her quest is to find out the person responsible for having her family slain. But after them are two supernatural hitmen, who are more or less comic ghouls. They go through many adventures and many strange places, as it’s Door’s talent to open up doors to different places, where there are no doors. They eventually seek out an Angel, who may be able to help her...or not. Although this was shot in video (as any things are in the UK) the story and characters are engaging enough so you don’t mind this budgetary constraint. And it’s such a great idea for a series. If you’re a fan of Gaiman’s Sandman then you’ll definitely enjoy this, as it has a similar wry tone. Available from A & E Home Video here in the States.

New Amsterdam (2008)

This short-lived television series (8 episodes) is about a four- hundred year old man named John Amsterdam (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) searching four his “soul-mate”. This “curse” or “gift” was put upon him by a Native American woman. He can’t die until he finds the one he’s supposed to be with and we see through flashbacks that he’s tried to find her, given all the past marriages and offspring he has scattered throughout New York City. In the first episode he suddenly has a heart attack while on a subway platform and starts to think that the special woman was on the train. He finds out that the doctor, Sara Dillane (Alexie Gilmore) who treats him in the hospital is the same one who helps him on the subway platform and he pursues a relationship with her. It’s a rocky relationship as she’s separated from her husband and he even tells her the truth about his age, though she doesn’t believe him.

What’s most interesting are the flashback stories, such as the origin of Omar, his 65 year old African-American son, and also a branch of his lineage that turned into mobsters during the past century. The time lapse sequences are also cool, which show how New York has grown over the centuries. In fact, in one such sequence we find out that the exact place where he was shot and came back from the dead, immortal, is Times Square! There’s also a good chemistry between him and his new police partner, Eva Marquez (Zuleikha Robinson of Lone Gunmen, Rome), though the series didn’t have enough time to explore their relationship. I was beginning to think that she may be the woman he is looking for...

Amsterdam isn’t the most likable character and in the flashbacks is more of an asshole than anything else. The primary reason he is a detective is that it’s interesting. He also goes to AA meetings and has been 60 years sober. At least there’s an ending to the current story line in the eighth and last episode, which has him realizing that Dr. Sara may not be his lost love and he breaks off the relationship with her. The last shot is a high angle long shot of him walking away from the camera, alone.

New Avengers, The (1976)

This is a good attempt at updating the Avengers from the 60’s to the 70’s, with Steed (Patrick Macnee) being the mentor of two younger agents, Mike Gambit (Gareth Hunt) and Purdy (Joanna Lumley). There’s a lot of sexual innuendo between the two of them, and I get the feeling this series is far more influenced by the James Bond movies than it is the original Avengers. Purdy is completely different in look and demeanor but does give Emma Peel a run for her money. Some episodes have returning villains, such as in Return of the Cyber-Men, there are agents who are exact physical doubles, a guy who uses birds to kill people and a cult which is protecting the frozen body of Hitler!. My favorite episode, though it’s by no means the best episode, is Gnaws, in which a scientist accidently drops a growth formula down into the sewers and a rat grows gigantic, feeding on people. I think this is the first Jaws spoof ever done, as it was done the same year as that movie’s release.

New Barbarians (1982)

This Italian exploitation movie begins with a shot of a city and bombs exploding behind it. Then, as the intro credits begin this picture changes to gradually show a fog enshrouded, presumably radioactive city. Then we go to the year 2019 and see a bunch of skeletons in the dirt. They are wearing futuristic looking gear. A group of people living in vans and buses are attacked by guys riding motorcycles and dune buggies. These are the Templars, who want to destroy mankind. The leader of this raiding party is a crazy-eyed giggling psychopath with a purple faux-hawk. They kill the people in vicious ways—some are blown up, set on fire. One fleeing guy is even beheaded by this spinning rotor that comes out of the vehicle chasing him. All these thugs wear white outfits. How they keep them sparkling white remains the biggest mystery of this movie.

The hero of the film, who has the Mad Max part, is a guy named Scorpion. He looks more like Eric Bogosian than he does Mel Gibson. He is friends with this genius kid who makes weapons and keeps his car running. Scorpion rescues a woman from being captured by the Templars and ends up sleeping with her. She doesn’t talk much. The next day he’s attacked by the same guys at what looks like an abandoned cement factory. As they are about to slice him up with that rotor Fred Williamson shows up. He’s dressed up like the Punisher. This is Nadir. Together, these two warriors defend a large group of innocent people from the Templars. Yes, this movie is basically a cheaper version of The Road Warrior. All of the events take place in areas that looks like quarries or construction sites, which they probably are. The New Barbarians is just okay. Give me The Ultimate Warriors or Ravagers instead.

Next (2007)

As with that lame Ghostrider movie, Nicolas Cage is terribly miscast as the lead in this time travel/action thriller. He portrays Chris Johnson, a man who is able to see two minutes into the future. That is, until he hooks up with a woman (Jessica Biel) who he’s been seeing in vision for two weeks. Once he finally meets her they immediately hook up. This makes for an unlikely scene as Cage is over twenty-years too old for her and there’s no chemistry between the actors. Biel, though, does manage to give another good performance (she can act!). Julianne Moore seems to think she’s still in Hannibal, portraying a hard-ass government agent. The special effects are amazing in depicting how the main character ‘sees’ into the future.

Next Avengers: Heroes of Tomorrow (2008)

Not to be confused with characters from the comic The New Avengers, this is the best Marvel animated movie yet. The premise is that the Avengers perished while battling Ultron, but not before an injured Tony Stark was able to rescue their children and keep them safe in an Arctic hideaway. These kids are James, the son of Captain America and Black Widow, Torunn, daughter of Thor, Azari, son of Black Panther, and Pym, son of Giant Man and Wasp.

After an injured Vision appears at their hideout, the children get curious and explore a hidden underground lab of Stark’s. There they find The Iron Avengers— robot versions of their parents. They accidently activate them and they fly off. Ultron, who has now taken over half the world, detects them and takes them over with his computer virus—and makes a visit to the island. They flee and end up in Ultron’s domain, where they encounter young Hawkeye, who is heading the human resistance. Their only hope is finding Bruce Banner and convincing him to transform into the Hulk to defeat Ultron.

This is the best part of the movie, seeing this older version of the green goliath.

Nezulla: The Rat Monster (2002)

Teenagers exploring an abandoned science lab are killed by some type of creature. In the same town people start contracting a weird virus and are quarantined. A military group is sent into the building where the lab is to kill the rat monster, as it’s a carrier of the disease and therefore its blood may harbor the cure for it. One by one the army guys are killed by the creature, which looks very much like a giant monster you’d seen in an old Ultraman episode. Only it doesn’t work with the monster being human-sized. It is way too rubbery and goofy looking, especially because it never blinks its eyes. If you want to watch a good rat monster movie then find the Italian movie Rat Man or even the Sondra Locke directed Rat Boy.

Nick Knight (1989)

Nick Knight (Rick Springfield) is a vampire detective working in Los Angeles. His Master, Lacroix (Michael Nader) has hunted him down and wants to bring him back to being a full-fledged vampire. Nick has given up attacking humans for blood and even tries tolerating sunbathing and eating food, hoping to build an immunity. The coroner knows his secret and helps him try to curb his vampire appetite. Dr. Alyce Hunter (Laura Johnson) is the love interest, an archeologist who has uncovered a strange stone aztec goblet which has the figure of a vampire face on it. Knight, coincidently, has another one just like it, which he found over fifty years before. Knight’s reluctant partner, Schanke (John Kapelos), offers some comic relief.

What I like is that each morning he watches the sunrise on this bank of televisions he has in his loft. He warms up his blood in the microwave and when he changes into a vampire, not only do his eyes change, his face bumps up like the vampires in Buffy The Vampire Slayer series. However, Geraint Wyn-Davies, who portrays Knight on the series Forever Knight is undeniably the better actor.

This show (and the subsequent TV series) is better than the recent TV vampire detective show Moonlight.

Night at the Museum (2006)

Ben Stiller is entertaining as a father who gets a job as the night watchman at the New York Natural History Museum. He’s let in on the secret that since the 1940’s, when a new mummy exhibit came to the museum, that all of the come to life at night, from the cavemen to Teddy Roosevelt to the inch tall people in the dioramas. I particularly liked the T-Rex skeleton that came to life and wanted to play fetch like a dog. This movie satisfies that wish-fulfillment dream of a ten-year-old.

Night Basement (1999)

Mike Legge’s newest video, an anthology of ‘Twilight Zone’ type stories, adds another extremely entertaining film to his growing filmography. The stories, hilariously tied together by a Rod Serling type host (played by Legge), include The Lemon Man, a Super 8mm film that was regularly shown on USA Network in the late 80’s, Working Stiffs—about zombies used at a temp agency, and a werewolf short about a community theater being stalked by an evil lycanthrope. Although the werewolf makeup is of the Jack Nicholson in Wolf type it is extremely effective.

Night Caller, The (1998)

This variation on Play Misty for Me casts Tracy Nelson as an insane fan/listener of a radio psychologist (Shanna Reed). One day she gets up enough nerve to call into her live radio show. She confesses of how lonely she is, that she has no time for herself between working at the convenience store and taking care of her overbearing, invalid mother. Dr. Lindsey, the psychologist, tells her that she must make changes and make friends. She takes this to mean that her best friend is going to be that doctor-so she finds ways to infiltrate her life. First, she follows her in her car to her house, then gets a job at an answering service she belongs to. Soon after she gets to talk to her in person she ends up as a last-minute babysitter. Once in her house, goes through her diary and wears her clothes. She has it in her mind that she wants to be Lindsey’s best friend and will go to great lengths. Another thing she does, which sets her off on a killing spree, is to let her mean-spirited mother die. After this the killing comes easy. In The Night Caller the body count is surprisingly high and Tracy Nelson does a great job as the disturbed, obsessed woman.

Night Creature (1978)

This movie casts Donald Pleasence as a big game hunter in Thailand who transports a killer black leopard to his private island. Why does he do this? He believes that he and the creature are somehow connected and it’s as if he’ll be facing himself on the hunt. However, while he’s away from the island his two adult daughters decide to visit. They bring his grand daughter and also a cowboy wannabee tour guide—and the leopard goes after them.

Although there are some good sequences, particularly one in which the cat attacks one of the daughters, the movie simply isn’t that engaging. And having seen enumerable killer animal movies this leopard doesn’t convey “threat”, as let’s say a tiger would, as it isn’t all that big (150 lbs?). And I didn’t believe for one moment that Donald Pleasence was a big game hunter. Talk about bad casting.

Night Feeders (2007)

Yet another movie with a meteor crashing, bringing with it carnivorous alien life. This time it’s badly computer animated aliens who are munching on a bunch of rednecks in South Carolina. A group of mostly overweight, dimwitted guys are hunting when they are attacked and the lone survivor ends up saving a woman who is caught up in the carnage. The special effects don’t just go with the aliens, though. Any time of fire effect is also done this way, unconvincingly. A bad alien invasion movie overall.

Night Gallery: Season One (1970)

My good memories of this show far outweigh how it actually is. Rod Serling hosts this early 70’s anthology series, in which he walks around a darkened art gallery and points out specific paintings. He tells a bit about it and what it’s called-and then the story begins. Here you’ll see some of Steven Spielberg’s earliest work, famous horror actors such as Vincent Price and also few memorable stories, such as why it’s said the moon is made of green cheese. But there’s only a few really good ones that equal the much superior Twilight Zone episodes and the majority of the tales feel unfinished. This DVD set is good for the nostalgia for those of us who watched this show when we were kids-but that’s about it.

Night Junkies (2007)

This is an extremely boring, cliche-ridden, pretentious vampire flick in which vampirism (yet again) is lamely compared to heroin or some other addiction. This story involves a guy named Vincent who thinks he’s a vampire (and may be one) who gets involved with a stripper who looks like Charlize Theron on a bad day. There’s a lot of talking about kicking the addiction and going cold turkey, blah blah blah. When they feed they just bite - there’s not fangs or anything or any sort of vampiric transformation. Also, there’s a subplot involving a serial killer who likes to kill women and lick their blood. Although it has a decent looking dvd cover avoid this movie unless you desire to be quite irritated.

Night Life (1989)

A vampire woman (Maryam D’abo) wakes up from a hundred and fifty year sleep in Mexico. She had gone there to flee the man who had turned her into a vampire (Ben Cross) but he soon finds her after her resurrection. In her search for blood she ends up going to a blood bank, thinking that’s where she can get some food-and when they tell her that it’s for deposits, not withdrawals, she faints. She wakes up in a hospital, hooked to an IV, and is befriended by a young hematologist on loan from the United States. He’s fascinated with her, particularly with the strange unknown virus he finds her blood. They start spending more and more time together and a relationship develops. Then, in steps her old, crazy boyfriend who insists that it’s their nature to kill, that she should embrace the hunt and the need to kill humans. There’s a confrontation at the end, where the evil vampire is killed and the doctor ends up becoming one of the undead. Half serious, half spoof, this is an entertaining vampire flick.

Night of the Creeps (1986)

In the 1950’s a college-aged couple is parked in their convertible down a secluded road. A meteor crashes nearby and the guy goes to investigate, only to have an eel-like creature jump into his mouth. Then, we go to the waiting girlfriend, who is in trouble.

An ax murderer escaped from the mental institution and chops her up.Then, the movie skips thirty years, to the present day college campus. Two friends, Chris (Jason Lively) and J.C. are trying to fit in and get girls. J.C. is crippled and lives vicariously through his best friend, even introducing him to a girl,  Cynthia (Jill Whitlow), he’s clearly interested in. The two friends decide to pledge a fraternity and are sent to steal a body from a science lab. This body turns out to be the guy we saw at the beginning, who had he alien jump into his mouth. The guy/zombie comes back to life and freaks the two kids off, only to contaminate a lab assistant . The zombie’s head explodes and dozens of the creatures scurry off, to infect others.  This all culminates when a fraternity is killed in a bus crash and they are all reanimated and attack a sorority. J.C is killed, though not before he formulates a plan to kill the aliens, and Chris wins over Cynthia. There’s also Detective Ray Cameron (Tom Atkins of The Fog, Halloween 3), whose past haunts him. It was his girlfriend who was slaughtered at the beginning of the movie—and he had shot and killed the ax murderer. This character also utters the best line from the movie, when he and the others are barricaded in a sorority house—”I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is that your dates are here. The bad news is that they’re dead!”

Night of the Creeps is an entertaining movie, though on re-watching it there’s an awful lot of unlikely coincidences.  And the special makeup effects, compared to today, are a bit lacking. I can see this being remade with a decent budget and effects.

Night of the Dead (2006)

A German scientist (who looks uncannily like actor/director Ron Ford) is working on a serum to re-animate dead tissue. Right after his wife and young daughter are killed in a hit-and-run car accident after they leave his office, the movie skips to a year ahead, during which time his clinic has grown. And we know that somewhere within the suspicious facility lurk his zombie wife and child. In fact, there’s an entire floor down in the basement filled with these creatures, who beg to be fed fresh meat. This isn’t a terrible movie, it simply reminds me of too many other better ones, namely Re-Animator. I’d love to see a new spin on a dead subject. Unfortunately, Night of the Dead isn’t that movie.

Night of the Demons (2009)

This is an inferior remake of the Kevin Tenney directed original, putting more emphasis on the T & A and less on mood and scares. The main character is a blonde named Maddie (Monica Keena), whose friends are putting on a Halloween party at an old Mansion. In the film’s prelude it establishes that the woman who owned it practiced black magic and summoned demons. She had killed herself in order to prevent them from gaining a foothold in the world. These six demons are so evil they were actually kicked out of hell. It takes a while for things to get going as the first forty minutes is all “blah blah blah” between all these unlikable characters.

What really ruins the movie is Edward Furlong as Colin, Maddie’s ex-boyfriend and drug dealer. He’s far too old for the part of a college kid, is bloated and looks and acts as if he’s in the midst of a really really bad hangover. It’s simply grating listening to his granny voice. However, the production value and special effects are quite good. There’s even an expanded “Lipstick scene” that’s even grosser than the original. I was hoping I’d like this movie but it’s another disappointment...

Night of the Lepus (1972)

Other than in a Monty Python and the Holy Grail, this is the first time I ever saw a killer rabbit in a movie.In order to control the rabbit population out West, which is eating all of the grazing land for the ranchers, a scientist exposes some of the rabbits to an experimental drug that will supposedly keep them from breeding. What it does instead is increase their size so that there are these 150 pound rabbits roaming the countryside. And since they’ve eaten up all the vegetation they’re now going after horses... and people. The miniature effects are convincing and the rabbits really do look that big-but every time one of the rabbits is shown leaping on someone it’s always a brown rabbit-probably the same rabbit suit used over and over again. Everyone is in a panic. When they find the rabbit warren in an abandoned mine shaft they blow it up... only most of them get away. In the end they electrocute them all. Night of the Lepus is a weird idea for a movie but the bottom line is that rabbits simply aren’t frightening no matter how big they are.

Night of the Living Dead 3-D (2007)

The movie starts off with Barbara and her brother at the graveyard, though it happens a little bit differently. She flees from the zombies and ends up in the nearby mortuary, run by Sid Haig, who is trying to kill some zombies and tells her he’ll take care of it. She wanders some more and is rescued at night by a guy on a motorcycle. His name is Ben and he’s a white college student who sells pot to pay for his college tuition. He takes her to the Cooper Farm, where the pot is grown, and the zombies attack. There are no boarded up window, no sense that these weak-ass zombies can do any harm. And what the hell were the filmmakers thinking in having the original Night of the Living Dead playing on the television during one of the scenes. There’s lots of talking interspersed with some shot that would probably be a good 3-D effect but since I’m watching the 2-D version it’s only irritating (and where can you see the 3-D version). The only good thing in the movie is Sid Haig, who always portrays a great crazy person. His explanation of the zombie invasion is interesting, though not quite what I expected. And because the title is in the public domain the filmmakers didn’t even credit George Romero, though the whole thing is based on his and John Russo’s script!

This abomination is worse than Day of the Dead 2 and the last two Return of the Living Dead movies combined. What the crap were these guys thinking?

Night of the Living Dead: Re-Animated (2009)

I found this very very cool. The entire audio track of the original movie is used and a diverse group of pictures and animation, from paintings to comic panels to clay-animation to South Park style and rotoscoping. About every style you can imagine is here to depict the zombie story. In some instances the characters are drawn as animals, like Ren & Stimpy! Within one scene you can have the work of dozens of artists but rather than it being jarring it’s interesting. This is the best “remake” of NOTLD, though I did enjoy Savini’s 90 version and utterly despised the recent 3-D movie and John Russo’s edition with the additional footage. Highly recommended.

Night of the Zombies (1981)

Elliott Gould look-a-like Jamie Gillis portrays a CIA top secret American agent who goes on assignment in the Bavarian Alps in search for the remains of an American chemical warfare battalian that’s been missing for over thirty years. This area is rumored to be inhabited by flesh-eating zombies. What he discovers is that members of the chemical warfare battalian, exposed to the experimental chemicals, are now ‘undead’ half corpses and half....vegetables! They’ve been hiding out all these years, trying to reproduce the chemical that keeps them functioning, as it has run out. They must also consume human flesh in order to maintain looking normal—otherwise their skin turns gray and starts to crack. When Gillis discovers the truth—and confronts the zombies—they want him to join them in their plans for world domination. Directed by Joel M. Reed.

Night Shade (2001)

This independent film from Germany is one of the coolest vampire movies I’ve seen in a long time. There’s the horror author whose girlfriend is a vampire, the girlfriend who is killing all the other vampires in hopes she’ll destroy the vampire who created her, a Renfield type character who seeks out vampires in hope of getting transformed into one—and of course, back to that horror author, who is a wannabee vampire as well. When a vampire is killed his eyes briefly change a strange yellow and the fangs fall out, leaving behind a very human corpse. If someone is a vampire and they kill the creature who created him, then he’ll revert to normal (kind of like the werewolf legend). The acting in Night Shade is great, particularly the lead vampire woman (Nicole Muller, who also co-produced) and director Ulli Bujard did a stand-out job. An extremely watchable horror movie that has a decent story.

Night Skies (2007)

Jason Connery (son of Sean Connery) stars in this superior alien encounter/abduction movie that takes place in Arizona in 1997, when mysterious lights were seen by thousands of people. A group of friends are travelling in an RV and end up getting in an accident with Connery. Then, the aliens show up and they panic, as there’s no way to safety. There’s also the matter that one of the guys was injured in the wreck and one of the women is pregnant - and the aliens may want her baby. This reminded me a bit of Fire in the Sky and the abduction/examination scenes are gooey and horrific, very organically based. The “Grey” aliens are threatening and sinister as well. Sure, this type of movie has been done before but this time it’s done extremely well.

Night Stalker (2002)

‘Inspired’ by the real-life Richard Ramirez ‘Night Stalker’ killings in LA, Night Stalker is one of the weaker entrees into the seemingly endless serial killer genre. The scenes with Ramirez are extremely well-done, nightmarish, showing this bald-headed, pale, fang-faced demon that seems to coerce him to kill. The editing is effectively choppy and the mood unsettling. But when the story goes back to the police woman turned detective it just comes to a halt. Every police cliche is used-the woman on the force being sexually harassed, not getting along with her partner, et cetera. As far as the story, the message is that drugs= evil. When the police-woman’s partner is shown snorting some coke, he immediately becomes different, nastier-and the editing is similar to those scenes of Ramirez. And the police chief constantly drinks alcohol on the job-and acts like an asshole. The police woman is shown taking care of her feeble-minded mother and brothers, praying to Jesus and putting up with all the difficulties with her job and the Night Strangler murders. Ramirez is presented as if he’s possessed by a demon and kills because of it. When he looks in the mirror he sees that white demon. In the end, when he’s cornered by the police, he says ‘Kill me, kill me’, as if he has temporarily regained his mind and realized what he’s done. Then he reverts back to the killer. ‘The Devil made me do it’ just doesn’t work.

Night Stalker, The (2005)

A ‘re-imagining’ of the classic Darren McGavin television show casts Stuart Townsend (Queen of the Damned, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen) as intrepid newspaper reporter Carl Kolchak. He’s suspected of killing his wife, though nothing was ever proven. In a flashback we see that they were attacked by ‘pseudo werewolves’-who dragged her from the car and ripped the fetus from her womb—and Carl continues to try to find out the what and why his pregnant wife was killed. Rather than concentrate on a ‘monster of the week’, as did the original show, there’s more of a continuing story here, just as in X-Files, which this show most closely resembles. There’s also a supporting cast-a woman crime reporter and her photographer, who witness some strange goings on with Kolchak.In the pilot episode we see a shot of the newspaper room-and the original Carl Kolchak (Darrin McGavin), complete with straw hat, is computer added to the crowd. Plot lines so far have involved a prisoner who can kill people with his mind, a motorcycle gang that could be werewolves, and ghosts. This show does manage to capture the feeling of the original, though all the characters are completely different and the stories much more serious. And because of such shows as The X-Files and Millennium , which were ironically inspired by the original Night Stalker, this new ‘envisioning’ seems somewhat of a rerun.

Night Visions (1990)

In one of Wes Craven’s better television movies (not as good as Chiller, though) Lori Locklin plays a criminal psychology grad Sally Powers, who uses her multiple personalities to track down a serial killer. She’s partnered with burned-out cop James Remar (Dexter), who is also a legitimate suspect in the murders. Rather than showing us anything from the killer’s perspective, events are seen through Sally’s eyes.

In a scene reminiscent of Shocker there’s a flashback sequence to Power’s childhood—where she’s the only survivor of a mass murder. The only way Powers escaped the killer was by crawling into a heating vent where he couldn’t reach her. The event so traumatized her that every time she feels threatened she assumes a new personality, usually having to do with her present environment, like Woody Allen in Zelig, only a little more twisted. Since she was a victim, she assumes the role of each of the serial killer’s victims—first an aerobics instructor, then a biker chick, and finally a wealthy socialite. Hanging out at the same locations where the murders happen make her a suspect as well. The chemistry between Locklin and Remar is great and the identity of the killer is unexpected, for a change.

Night Watch (2005)

I’d been hearing about this monster movie from Russia long before it was available here-and it does indeed live up to all the hype. This is the first movie (of three), about those humans who have supernatural powers and the war between the light and the dark. The main character is somewhat the reluctant hero and it’s believed that his ultimate decision to become good or bad will have major consequences in this war, which doesn’t quite turn out how you think it will. The effects and transformations are very well done, particularly the change of an owl into a woman, and there’s enough action and quick editing to keep you hooked until the end. In many ways this is superior to the similar themes explored in the Underworld movies. When I was done viewing Night Watch  it I immediately wanted to watch the next movie, Day Watch. I hope it will be available soon.

Nightmare (2009)

This independent film with a generic title starts with a young guy with a huge Jay Leno-ish chin making faces and noises to himself in a mirror, which makes me think that he’s either 1) insane or 2) an actor. As it turns out it’s even worse—he’s a filmmaker. He goes to a party where everyone is talking about what a great student film he made and they are all treating him as if he’s Fellini. I found it really funny that all these little blonde chicks are interested in the nerdy filmmakers and are trying to participate in “film talk”. I also wanted to smack all these obnoxious characters in the film school scenes.

The guy meets a black woman at the party and has sex with her. She has these tattoos all over her body. The music during this scene is terrible. When they wake up the next morning they find a video camera on a tripod at the end of the bed, pointing at them. When they play back the mini-dv tape the footage is that of someone being killed. Then things get confusing and all “art schooly”. The big questions of the movie are—is the filmmaker a killer? is life mimicking art? or is art mimicking life? I was so irritated by this whole pretentious endeavor that I honestly didn’t care. Dvd frisbee, anyone?

Nightmare Cafe (1992)

The six episodes of this television series are an uneven mix of horror, comedy and sci-fi. In the first episode we’re introduced to Fay Peronovic (Lindsay Frost), who jumps into a bay after she catches her boyfriend with another woman. Frank Nolan (Jack Coleman, HRG on Heroes) appears, also in the ocean, and ends up saving her. They climb out of the water and into a nearby cafe, which has a big sign out front ALL NIGHT CAFE. They need dry clothes and she finds a waitress uniform and puts it on, while he puts on the cook’s duds. Right away they fit in, as if they’ve always worked there. There’s also Blackie (Robert Englund), who runs the place, a mysterious guy who may equally be a devil or an angel. He’s like a good version of Freddy Krueger. He explains that the cafe gives people a second chance and through flashbacks/time travel both Frank and Fay are able to correct their last mistakes, though they both still end up dying. However, the diner needs them and so they become sort-of-ghosts/spirits, who are able to manifest themselves in the physical world when needed.

The second episode has a love interest for Frank, a sort of femme fatale character. The woman ends up in jail for killing her husband and is haunted by his ghost, who is all charred up because he was cremated (he looks like Freddy Krueger). In the third episode, which concerns a reunion with her sister, features Molly Parker and Peter Outerbridge, the stars of the necrophilia movie Kissed, made a decade later. The fourth episode is a detective/film noir mystery, the fifth the cafe appears in Frank’s hometown, where he has to resolve some issues. This episode features a good performance by Angela Basset. The six episode is a comedy dealing with a tabloid newspaper reporter and aliens who have disguised themselves as midgets. The series had possibilities but I think the producers went too fast with things, changing the tone of the show from episode to episode. Created by Wes Craven and Peter Baum

Nightmare Man (2006)

Rolfe Kanefsky’s newest horror movie, Nightmare Man, is one of his best. The story revolves around a woman (Blythe Metz of Jacqueline Hyde) who is terrorized in her dreams by a masked assailant. When she pulls off the demon mask he’s wearing-his real face turns out to be even more terrifying. She’s convinced that this creature lives inside of her and is trying to get out. Her husband thinks she’s crazy.

One night she and her husband run out of gas on a mountain road-and he tells her to stay with the car while he goes and finds a gas station. While she waits this “Nightmare Man” appears and attacks her. It’s not just her imagination-this is a real creature out to get her. She fights it off and takes refuge at a nearby house, where a bunch of friends, led by Tiffany Shepis, is spending the weekend. One of the guys wears a “There’s Nothing Out There” T-shirt, a nod to Kanefsky’s first feature.

Is this woman really crazy? Or is there indeed a demonic force out to get her?

The twists in the script work well, particularly the ending, in no small part due to the performances of the two leading ladies, Metz and Shepis. The character that Blythe Metz portrays is the polar opposite of the one she portrayed in Kanefsky’s Hyde movie and she pulls it off well. This also features one of Shepis’ best performances to date.

Nightmare Man is everything a low-budget, independent horror movie should be-unique and entertaining.

Nightmare on Elm Street, A (2010)

This is a decent enough remake with enough changes to make it interesting. It begins with a teenager trying to stay awake in a diner, explaining to his girlfriend that he’s having these horrible nightmares. Then he falls asleep and Freddy gets him with his knife glove, though it looks as it the guy is simply killing himself. Then the girlfriend (Katie Cassidy) begins having dreams that Freddy is after her. When she confides to her boyfriend Jesse (Thomas Dekker) about them he says he’s dreaming about the same freakish guy. And then there’s a similar, though less effective scene than in the original with her being thrown around the room before she lands in her bed, dead, all bloody.

Then there is the loner, Nancy, and her friend Quentin who do some research and discover that all of the teenagers who died all went to the same preschool together, including them. When Nancy asks her mother she denies it, though ends up spilling the beans about the terrible things he did. He lived in the basement of the preschool and abused the children. Then Quentin has a nightmare about how they tracked down Krueger to an old factory and burned him alive. At first Quentin and Nancy think that the parents overreacted and that Freddy is killing everyone because he was actually innocent. Yet, when they find his hidden room where he took the children this all changes —and they end up remembering what Freddy did to them. So there’s a bit more psychological depth to the characters in this version.

Jackie Earle Haley does a great job as the new Freddy, especially in his malevolence as the character. However, I found the CGI effects a bit too distracting, such as them making it look like part of his face is actually gone. And the CGI shape of him emerging from the bedroom wall doesn’t have nearly the impact as a physical special effect. The biggest distraction are all the “kids”, who clearly appear to be in their mid twenties, not teenagers. While I found A Nightmare on Elm Street interesting I wasn’t creeped out like I was when I saw the original in a theater. I didn’t like it nearly as much as the Texas Chainsaw or Friday the 13th Remakes.

Nightmares & Dreamscape (2006)

This horror series, which will air in mid-July (12th) through the beginning of August (2nd), is a great idea-it adapts short stories from one author, namely Stephen King. I don’t think a tv series has done this since Ray Bradbury theater.

Of the eight stories adapted, the majority are horror, with the exceptions being Umney’s Last Case and The Fifth Quarter. In Umney, William H. Macy portrays Clyde Umney, a stereotypical private eye living sometime in the 1930’s. When his world begins to mysteriously change things definitely start NOT going his way-until he’s faced with the fact that he’s a character imagined by a best-selling detective novel author who wants to take his place in the fictional setting and keep Umney in reality. Things don’t quite work out how either of them expect. Macy is great in this role, particularly when the two characters are on-screen at the same time-you really believe it’s two different people. In The Fifth Quarter Jeremy Sisto is Willie Evans, who returns home after a stint in prison to reunite with his wife (Samantha Mathis) and son. When a former cellmate appears in their trailer, shot and bleeding, he explains that he was cheated out of some money. Evans goes to retrieve it-not just so he and his family can live better, but to avenge the death of his friend.

The three most effective horror stories are Battleground, Crouch End and The End of the Whole Mess. In Battleground (adapted from a story from Nightshift), William Hurt is a hit man who has just killed the CEO of a toy company. When he arrives home there’s a package waiting for him-a package of green plastic toy soldiers and their weapons. Before he fully understands what’s going on, the toy soldiers start attacking him-and from that point on it’s an all-out war in his isolated penthouse apartment. The special effects are great. Other than a scene in which we see people talking on a television there’s no dialogue in the whole episode, which is amazing for television.

In Crouch End, King goes to H.P. Lovecraft territory. A young couple, visiting England, take a wrong turn and end up “slipping” between dimensions, to find themselves in a sinister and dangerous place inhabited by clawed children, werewolf-like denizens and, of course, your typical “Cthulhu-like” monster. The best story of the series, though, is The End of the Whole Mess, in which a documentary filmmaker videotapes himself in order to explain how-and why-the world is now ending. It involves his genius brother (Henry Thomas) and how he attempts to solve mankind’s violent tendencies. The story goes back and forth to the guy telling the story, to flashbacks, all leading up to the unexpected ending. The episode is interesting, gripping-and depressing as hell. It’s something that will definitely stick in your mind long after you watch it.

Nightmares & Dreamscapes is one of the best anthology series I’ve seen in a long, long while.

Nightwalker: Midnight Detective (2000)

This three hour DVD consists of six episodes of the anime series, about a vampire named Shido who helps a woman detective hunt down the Nightbreed, various creatures who inhabit the night and prey upon humans. The difference between Nightbreed and the vampires is that they devour human flesh while vampires only drink their blood.The most common way a Nightbreed appears is by possessing a human and using the body for a host, changing into the monster when they attack. In one of the stories a drug is being used by college kids, which weakens their souls and makes them susceptible to demonic possession. In another, a detective is shot in the head, making him brain dead, and his body is taken over by a creature. Shido himself is an interesting character-he’s a few hundred years old and knows little about his past since when he became a vampire all his previous memory was wiped away. The woman detective he works with lets him feed off of her so he doesn’t have to attack humans. Throughout the episodes he’s visited by the vampire who had made him into one of the undead, who has a thick Transylvanian accent. In the last several episodes Shido’s young woman assistant is nearly killed by this vampire and the only way to save her is to transform her into one. She begs him to do this and so he does, knowing the curse it brings. She becomes somewhat flaky for the first week, doing whatever she wishes-and then starts wishing she were dead. Nightwalker has elements of Forever Knight, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the X-Files, so if you’ve enjoyed those shows you will dig these animated adventures.

Nikos the Impaler (2003)

I’ve never seen an Andreas Schnaas movie before so I didn’t quite know to expect, other than for it to be extremely gory. Well, Nikos doesn’t disappoint in that factor and frankly, doesn’t disappoint at all. Scripter Ted Geoghegan proves he can write a decent low budget horror movie and lead Joe Zaso takes on quite a different role than we’ve seen in the past and manages to pull it off. The story concerns a barbarian ruler named Nikos who was put to death nearly a thousand years ago. He story somewhat parallels that of Dracula, in that he was bloodthirsty and impaled his foes on spikes. But Dracula got all the limelight. In the present day, when artifacts from ancient Romania are on display at an art museum in New York City, blood is accidently spilled on Nikos’ mask-and this resurrects him from the dead. Appearing as he did in real life, he goes on a killing rampage, slaying all those trapped in the art gallery first and then moving out into New York City. In a weird turn of events he actually manages to create individuals out of thin air, like Hitler and Countess Bathory. Felissa Rose (original Sleepaway Camp), a competent actress, looks far far better here than she does in Jose Prendes’ Corpses Are Forever. And there’s cameos by Debbie Rochon and Lloyd Kaufman of Troma, which are amusing.As the director says in the extra’s commentary, ‘A good popcorn movie’.

Nine (2009)

After a World War that has destroyed all of human civilization, a strange puppet like creature comes to life and starts to explore his new world. He encounters others like himself, who also have numbers as names. After he accidently awakens a sentient machine that starts mass producing weapons of war, it’s up to him and the others of his kind to stop it. This sort of reminded me of the machines in Matrix crossed with the assembly line of Mutant Chronicles.

I’m not sure what the point of this movie is. Yes, the computer animation is beautiful and a strange world is created, but it’s about sock puppets battling an evil machine. It’s said several times that the puppets are now the inheritors of the Earth and that it’s up to them to do things right, but there’s only a half dozen of them and they can’t reproduce. So so what that they defeat the evil machine—it ultimately doesn’t make any difference to the state of the world.

Nine Lives of Chloe King, The (2011)

Chloe King is a normal sixteen-year-old girl. Not. It turns out that she’s the descendent of a species of cat people that have superhero-like abilities. She gets the information from two other students in her class, who are also these creatures. That’s quite a coincidence, there. The show begins with her being chased up a tall tower by a creepy looking bad guy— she falls to her death but then wakes up. You see, there is a group of assassins who want nothing better than to kill all the cat people. Yawn....

This TV show is like a lighter version of Teen Wolf, without the special effects. I mean, at least have her partly transform into a cat or something. And I have no more tolerance for whiny teenagers and all their angst.

Ninth Gate, The (1999)

Johnny Depp is Dean Corso, “book detective” who wheels and deals old books, the majority of them dealing with magic and the supernatural. He’s hired by a rich collector named Boris Balkan (Frank Langella) to acquire the last two texts of an extremely rare manuscript from the Middle Ages. It’s rumored that the co-author of this text is Satan himself. He gives Corso the one copy he has—and sends him off to Europe to authenticate the other two copies. Along the way, bad things happen to the owners—and Corso believes that Balkan is responsible. There’s also a mysterious young woman (Emmanuelle Seigner) who shows up and she has some seemingly magic abilities. Eventually Corso—and the audience—figures out what is really going on in the last scene, when Balkan acquires what he wants and performs a ritual from the book...

The Ninth Gate is an overall dead serious, creepy movie, along the lines of Roman Polanski’s earlier horror movie, Rosemary’s Baby. Recommended.

No Heroics (2008)

This UK sitcom is hilarious, more fun than Mystery Men. The premise is that there really are superheroes and that they don’t exactly act like heroes. Much of the story takes place at a pub called “The Fortress”, where the Heros hang out and talk about their day’s exploits (or not). Here they aren’t able to use their powers and the pub’s bouncer, Monkey Thunder, enforces this. His power is that he can summon monkeys to help him, though it may take several hours for the primates to show up.

The main characters are ElectroClash, who can command machines, the incredibly strong She-Force, Timebomb, who can see 60 seconds into the future, and The Hotness, who can control heat. The Hotness is always being picked on by the “Superman”-like Exelsor, who refers to him as anything from Hotpockets to “The Gayness”. Electroclash is always getting in trouble for petty crimes, like stealing cigarettes from a cigarette machine, She-Force is trying to get a date. Timebomb is taking a break from super-heroing as he figures out his anger issues and The Hotness simply wants to be as famous as Exelsor. This is an extremely funny superhero spoof, highly recommended.

No Man’s Land: The Rise of Reeker (2008)

Director David Payne’s followup to Reeker serves as both a prequel and a sequel, though both are fairly unnecessary. The movie all takes place at a gas station/diner that’s in the middle of the desert. There’s a new sheriff in town (Michael Muhney of Veronica Mars), who is taking over the reigns from his estranged father, Sheriff Reed (Robert Pine of Chips). Trouble starts when a group of robbers show up, one of them shot and dying in the back of their car. But it’s no coincidence they showed up here— the leader of the gang’s girlfriend is working there as a waitress and he’s come to get her. There’s also a doctor in the bunch (Valerie Cruz of The Dresden Files). As for The Reeker himself, he’s given an origin as a serial killer who is “chosen” by death rather than being death itself. Of course, the big “surprise” that everyone is really on the verge of death and this is all happening in a sort of limbo is no surprise, as this is exactly what happened in the first movie.

No Ordinary Family (2010)

A family goes on a trip down to Mexico and their plane crashes into a lake during a storm. They survive, though they notice the water is all glittery. When they get home they start exhibiting different super powers. The father, Jim (Michael Chiklis of Fantastic Four) can catch bullets and leap a quarter mile. The mother, Stephanie (Julie Benz of Dexter, Angel) is super-fast. The daughter can read minds. And the son, who wasn’t all that smart, becomes a super-genius. Basically, they get the powers that they needed the most. The father, who works as a police sketch artist, wants to begin stopping crimes and starts putting on a “costume” by the third episode, though this pretty much looks like Bruce Willis’ getup in Unbreakable. The wife confides about her speedy condition to her lab assistant, who is all too eager to help her, since she’s familiar with comic book heroes. The one who has the most difficult time is the teenaged daughter, who can hear the thoughts of her cheating boyfriend. The son, whose grades have vastly improved in school, doesn’t reveal to his folks that he has powers until the fifth episode, because he wants to be praised for himself, not his powers. We also learn that there are other people—criminals—who have super powers, and the man who may have created them is the mother’s boss (Stephen Collins of Star Trek: The Motion Picture)

It’s sort of like The Incredibles crossed with Smallville.

No Such Thing (2002)

I was hoping this would be an interesting take on the genre, with Hal Hartley adding his directorial quirkiness to the stew. Instead, we get an extremely boring ‘fish out of water’ movie that seems overly familiar. Robert Burke’s demon makeup is really well done— but he’s not a threatening monster. Sarah Polley, as his human friend, is just kind of there.And the ending is indeed pretentious. As with Nadja this monster movie as art film does not work. You’ll find no such thing as an entertaining story here.

No Way To Treat A Lady (1967)

Rod Steiger portrays the owner of a Broadway Theatre who who disguises himself—as an Irish priest, a plumber, a policeman—and kills middle-aged women who remind him of his dead, overbearing mother. After he strangles them he paints bright red lips on their foreheads with lipstick. George Segal is the detective trying to capture him and Lee Remick is his love interest. Interesting characters, a good story and a truly demented serial killer make this a decent movie. Far better than the recent crop of serial killer movies.

Noah, The (1972)

An old soldier comes to shore on a South Pacific Island in a rubber raft. He has weapons and golf clubs. He makes his home in a cabin which had obviously belonged to the Chinese, along with the numerous military vehicles. He seems to be the only person on the island. But as time passes he starts creating company. The first is a man he calls Friday, who has an African-American accent. In these instances when he’s talking with him, it’s a POV shot. Then when the scene cuts to a long shot we see that he’s talking to himself. Soon he begins creating more soldiers, women and even children. He’s going nuts.

At the beginning of the film he recounts that he was the only survivor at where he was stationed and that he was in a bomb shelter when a radioactive cloud passed over his base, killing everyone else. He tells his first “visitor” that if the radiation badge on his uniform turns black then he’ll die. At the end of the movie, after a series of tropical storms, he sees that it has indeed turned black—and all those voices of civilization he created in his mind go away. He is the last man alive, but not for long. The Noah is an interesting, if somewhat slow, post-apocalyptic movie.

Norliss Tapes, The  (1973)

This movie pilot for a possible series stars Roy Thinnes (The Invaders) as author/researcher David Norliss, who is working on a book about the existence of the supernatural. At the start of the movie a haggard looking Norliss calls his publisher and tells him he doesn’t’ have a word written down for the new book, that it’’ all recorded on audio tape. He also says he can’t work on it any longer, because of the things he’s seen. And by looking at this guy he’s clearly seen a lot of weird things. A few days later it’s discovered that Norliss has disappeared without a trace, so the publisher goes to his house and discovers his tapes. He puts in tape #1 and listens - and the story unfolds...

Angie Dickinson is a widowed woman who insists that her dead husband has come back and is trying to kill her. Of course, the police don’t believe her, even though her German Sheppard has been snapped like a twig. She’s the sister of a friend of Norliss, so he goes to check this out as part his research and becomes involved with a tale of vampirism and the resurrection of a demon. Stylistically, The Norliss Tapes is a lot like the original Night Stalker, though Thinnes voice-over is a bit too heavy-handed and prosaic at times. It primarily worked on The Nightstalker because Darrin McGavin’s Kolchak was like a gumshoe in a 40’s Film Noir movie. It also reminded me of the Gene Roddenberry produced movie Spectre.

Nostradamus (2000)

This made-for-cable sci-fi movie gives us the premise that Nostradamus was a time-traveller, recruited from our present time to fight evil in the past. The time travel technology, rather than being from the far future, is actually created in the middle ages from DaVinci’s blueprints. A really cool idea paired up with your run of the mill characters and story. I saw this a few months ago and can’t even remember the plot.

Not Like Us (1997)

The only reason to see this forgettable Corman offering is five unforgettable minutes, in a scene that would make Texas Chainsaw Massacre II worthy. An alien, shedding her buxom blonde human form, reveals a twisted Freddy Krueger-like appearance underneath. When she finds another body to inhabit she slits the woman’s corpse down the back, pulls out her spine and skull, then proceeds to pluck out her organs, casting them haphazardly to the floor. This is a memorable and horrifying scene totally out of place in this confusing miasma of a story.

Not of this World (1991)

Lisa Hartman and A. Martinez provide soap opera antics in yet another small town invaded by an alien—an alien that looks like a giant log! The creature, which feeds on electricity, subsequently heads for the local power plant, although how it achieves movement is a mystery. This alien makes Tabanga from the film From Hell It Came look like Speedy Gonzalez. How can it move? It’s a giant stick!

Number 23, The  (2007)

This Jim Carey flick is a good movie, much more of a mystery than it is a horror movie. He portrays a a dog catcher whose wife buys him a strange book called The Number 23 at a used bookstore. He reads it and starts to believe that it’s about him. When the scenes in the book are told, he’s cast as the lead guy and his wife (Virginia Madsen) is cast as the dark haired woman. But is the book really about him and his life? It all comes together in a surprising, Angel Heart type way. Recommended.

Nun, The  (2006)

At a Catholic boarding school, a sadistic nun is drowned by her teenaged students. Eighteen-years later, her spirit is released and possesses on of the student’s daughters.

As with the last few Brian Yuzna produced movies, I was none too thrilled with this ghost-revenge story, as it simply wasn’t entertaining.

Nurse, The (2000)

From the same producers as The Stepdaughter, this movie follows that same formula. Here, a nurse (Lisa Zane) blames a rich family for the death of her father, mother and brother. Her father was caught embezzling funds-and rather than face the shame decides to shoot his family and then himself. She, of course, flips out and goes out for revenge. But upon hearing of this homicide/suicide the father of the rich family has a stroke-and is paralyzed. The nurse infiltrates herself into their lives-and becomes the old guy’s private nurse, taunting and torturing him because he can’t do anything about it. The only one who suspects she might be up to something is the blonde daughter, who does some investigating and eventually shoots her. The only reason this movie is entertaining is because of Lisa Zane’s performance, able to switch from friendly to evil in a second-she is an extremely underutilized actress.

Nutbag (2001)

This movie is how a serial killer flick should be—that is, told entirely from the point-of-view o the serial killer...and done with relentlessness. Although not as dread-filled at Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, probably because of the stop and go installment type structure of the movie, actor Max Hail successfully portrays a demented individual who feels he must kill all the whores in Las Vegas. You see, he was interested in a girl in high school, she rejected him and he subsequently cut off her face. We learn of the serial killer’s thoughts when he talks out loud to his best friend, a pet tarantula named Heinrich. These killings are very brutal, mostly stabbings and slicings with knives. Plus, there’s a surprising amount of full-frontal nudity by some A+ chicks (who get killed). I felt like I was watching a diary of a serial killer. Best of all, there are no cops or detective characters hot on his trail, a really bad cliche in recent serial killer movies. Nutbag is bloody good! Directed by Nick Palumbo.

“O” Titles

Oblong Box, The  (1969)

In the opening scene a white man is being tortured by a tribe of African Natives, until another man (Vincent Price) walks in on them. We then cut to Price’s estate in England, where he keeps his brother locked up in one of the rooms. It was this brother who was being tortured. It turns out that the reason for this is that the man was accused of running down a child with his horse-and had to pay for the crime. As a result of the torture, which involved exposure to a flesh-eating disease, his face is horribly deformed. The brother is smart, though, and manages to escape with the help of one of the servants. He takes a drug that mimics death and is taken out in his coffin to be buried. But before the servant can dig him up and revive him some gravediggers come along, steal his body and take him to a doctor (Christopher Lee) who needs the cadavers. The man wakes up, nearly kills Lee, and convinces him to let him stay there until he’s able to settle his accounts and get his revenge. In the end it turns out that Vincent Price was the one responsible for killing the African child-and the natives took his brother by mistake. In the last scene in the movie Price’s new wife comes into the room where he had imprisoned his brother and says to him that this is his brother’s room. Price turns away from the window he is facing to reveal part of his face is deformed with the disease. He replies, “No, this is my room”. Although tenuously based on the Edgar Allen Poe story this is a decent American International Production-and it’s always great to see two horror icons, Vincent Price and Christopher Lee, together in the same movie.

Odysseus: Voyage to the Underworld (2008)

This untold tale of the Greek hero is told from scribe Homer’s perspective. We see him as an old man, towards the end of his life, jotting down this new chapter. It’s revealed he was a member of the crew when he was a young man, documenting everything, on the journey back from the battle of Troy. Odysseus (Arnold Vosloo) just wants to get home to his wife since he hasn’t seen her in twenty-years. The ship passes near the sirens and everyone plugs their ears with wax except Odysseus. It’s during this that they are attacked by harpy/vampire-like creatures and crash the ship on the rocks. The next morning the survivors find themselves washed ashore on “The Island of Mists”. It’s here they encounter more of the demons and also a beautiful woman who lives in a big tent with lots of food. She’s able to heal some of the men of their wounds. We find out later that she’s Persephone (Stefanie von Pfetten, who portrayed Demeter in Percy Jackson & The Olympians), wife of Hades. She’s escaped the underworld and wants to rule the upper world. In fact, she wants Odysseus to be her husband but he wants nothing to do with her. But Odysseus has the Greek gods on his side and is told by Hera how to stop her. He must kill her with the “hellfire cross”.

On one hand this isn’t a bad sword and sorcery flick and has glimmerings of the old Sinbad films. But some of the dialogue and ideas really don’t fit, such as Homer saying things like “do we face the devil we know or the devil we don’t”, stuff about faith and, of course, killing the evil woman with a hellfire cross.

Odyssey 5 (2002)

While placing a satellite in orbit five astronauts witness the “implosion” of the Earth. Soon after, they are contacted by an alien called “The Keeper”, who says he can send them five years back in time to prevent this catastrophe. He tells them that he’s visited five other worlds that were similarly destroyed and with Earth he might be able to help. So the astronauts, led by Peter Weller (Robocop, Buckaroo Banzai), agree to go back in time. Just their minds are sent back, so the youngest astronaut (also the Weller character’s son) is 17 and in High School.

At first I thought this was a limited series, in that the whole five years would be wrapped up-but as I watched the show it turns out that it’s much more like X-Files or an alien invasion type show, where there are self-contained stories. The first (and only) season takes place within the first year. But the characters discover that things don’t happen exactly like the remembered them, as their going back in time has subtly changed things. The creature they are after, called a Sentient (created by the internet), is able to create synthetic humanoids that look exactly like the real thing. In fact, there are many of these self-aware computer programs. The most entertaining episode featured Ted Raimi as a sentient in a synthetic body, who is basically a sci-fi fan boy. He even quotes a line from Buckaroo Banzai to Weller, “Wherever you go, there you are” which is a hoot.

Although I found the majority of Odyssey 5 to be entertaining, I was a bit disappointed that the show wasn’t more interesting and took more risks, considering the whole time-travel aspect.

Off Season, The (2005)

A writer and his librarian girlfriend decide to move out of the city for the Winter and hole up in a cheap Maine motel, where the rates are really cheap because of the Off Season. It’s his intention to get some writing done during the day while his girlfriend works at the local library. But he soon gets distracted and ends up spending most of his day out of the hotel room, at a local bar. When his girlfriend comes home early one day and finds him gone, she looks at his laptop computer and sees that he’s written the same phrase over and over again, a la The Shining. There are some other weird things that happen. Their bed mattress is sometimes covered in blood, then it quickly disappears. Both of them see images of the woman who was presumably slain on that bed. At first, it seems as if the writer is the one being possessed, but then he leaves the woman and it’s pretty much her story the last third of the movie. The ending is entirely too predictable. The good points are the performances of Angus Scrimm (Phantasm series) as a quirky old motel room neighbor and Executive Producer Larry Fessenden as a creepy guy who hangs around the complex. Otherwise, a completely forgettable movie.

Office Killer (2000)

This movie is exactly what you think it would be. A New York City magazine is consolidating its work force, laying people off, reducing their hours and income. And one of these employees happens to be a mousy, unstable woman (Carol Kane), who accidently kills one of her coworkers late one night. This sets her over the edge-and through flashbacks we see he isn’t the first murder. Her sleazy father (played by Eric Bogosian), who abused her, was killed in a car accident she purposely caused. No longer afraid of the people in her work life she starts taking their lives when they pose a threat to her job and security. She keeps their decomposing bodies down in her basement-and in her eyes they are alive, interacting with her, becoming the friends she doesn’t have in her real life. Although there are some gruesome killings and the makeup effects are quite good, it seems out of place with the cast of actors (Molly Ringwald, Jean Tripplehorn) and the scenes and situations are so reminiscent of 80’s slasher films that it makes you long to see these originals.

Offspring (2009)

This is a good adaptation of the Jack Ketchum novel, the screenplay written by the author himself. In a coastal Maine town the police come across the dismembered bodies of a woman and her babysitter. They call in retired cop George Peters (Art Hindle of The Clonemaster) to take a look at the scene, since he was instrumental in dealing with the cannibals when they were first discovered years ago. His theory is that some of them survived and they’ve been prowling up and down the coast, from Maine to Canada. Now they’ve come back and are hiding out in one of the many caves.

The feral humans attack another home. This belongs to David and Amy, who have a newborn infant. Amy’s friend, and her ten-year old son, are visiting her. When the cannibals attack they kill the husband and take the wife with them, presumably for breeding purposes. They also make her nurse a baby, which greedily latches on to her. The friend and her boy manage to save the baby and escape out the window and flee into the woods. The police do manage to find the cave but are viciously attacked. George is knocked unconscious and later wakes up to find his companions slain. So it’s up to him to stop them. The highlight of the movie is Pollyanna McIntosh as “The Woman”, the leader of the cannibals, in a very convincing performance.

This is one of the better Jack Ketchum movie adaptations, though I can’t help but compare it to The Hills Have Eyes, since that also dealt with cannibals after a baby.

While the special effects are decent enough, the scenes in which they are carrying around dismembered arms and legs aren’t all that convincing as there’s no weight to them. After all, if a six year old kid is schlepping an adult leg that’s at least 35-40 lbs of meat there—and it wouldn’t be light, like a hollow latex leg. Also, from my recollection

of the book, which is a sequel to Off Season, there was just a group of feral kids and here there are a few adults mixed in with the cannibalistic group. I think since Off Season will probably never be made into a movie, Ketchum and the producer decided to incorporate elements from that first novel.

Old Dark House, The (1963)

Tom Penderel (Tom Poston) is an American car salesman in England. He’s sharing an apartment with an eccentric millionaire named Roderick. He has the apartment during the nights and the other guy during the days. Roderick has recently purchased a car and wants Tom to deliver it to his ancestral home out in the country. He does this, during a rainstorm, and when he gets there is locked out by an iron gate. He bangs on it and a stone carving falls on the hood of the car, totaling it. He manages to get in and when he knocks on the front door falls through a trap door on the front porch.

Roderick isn’t the only one living in the house—all his relatives live there as well. They are a weird bunch. An uncle is building an ark and is accumulating animals to put aboard it. His mother endlessly knits to pass the time and his brother collects guns.

There’s a stipulation in his father’s will that everyone in the family must live there or else they’ll be written out of the will. They must all be present by twelve-midnight or else!

Tom gets dragged into this when people start being murdered because he resembles a painting of one of their ancestors. They think he may be after the money. He simply wants to leave. And, of course, the killer turns out to be the least likely person.

The Old Dark House is an entertaining, dark and morbid comedy. Recommended.

Omega Diary (1999)

A radio announcement warns of a full nuclear exchange and one man and his friends make it into a nearby nuclear fallout shelter just in time. In the tradition of those old Twilight Zone episodes the characters wonder how they will survive, when it will be safe to go outside and if a war really did happen. Of course, they immediately start getting on each other’s nerves and added to the complication is that there is only one woman amongst them. Although the acting ranges from decent to mediocre the movie’s second half is stronger than the film’s introduction and by the time the film ends you are blown away by the unexpected conclusion. Directed by Benjamin Cooper.

Omega Doom (1997)

Here’s another post-apocalyptic cyborg movie from director Albert Pyun. I think the guy has robots on the brain, considering all the other similarly themed movies he’s done. Rutger Hauer portrays Omega Doom, a cyborg whose programming has been erased. He wanders across the Nuclear-winterized land until he comes across an area inhabited by several different ‘gangs’ of robots. In this futuristic world the robots all look and act like humans. One gang is vaguely robotic looking, one looks like a bunch of Robert Palmer girls gone punk and the other consists of those robots who don’t fit in. The reason the gangs aren’t killing each other is that they are all in search of a cache of weapons-weapons that they think they’ll need when the humans try to take over the planet and destroy them. But the humans never show up. The movie ends just like it begins, which is in the middle of nowhere.

Omega Man, The (1972)

This is the best film adaptation of Richard Matheson’s classic , with Charlton Heston (Soylent Green, Planet of the Apes) as the survivor of germ warfare which has killed 99% of humanity and transformed the survivors into these crazed, albino-like maniacs. Mathias (Anthony Zerbe), who used to be a television reporter, has taken it upon himself to be the new leader of these people and refers to his brethren as brothers and sisters. They all dress in robes and they want to prevent any sort of technology or ties to the old world, which they blame for its destruction. He’s particularly fixated on Robert Neville.

Of course, the first half hour, like that of I Am Legend, is the best part of the movie, with him driving through a deserted LA and getting glimpses of “the others”. Then, he comes across a woman survivor, African-American Lisa, who introduces him to yet more survivors out in the country. They are mostly kids. Heston is able to cure one of them from the plague, which has half-transformed him, and confirms that his blood can make people immune to the virus. He also comes to the same ending as he does in all the other Sci-Fi movies he’s been in.

Omen, The (2006)

This new version of The Omen is another needless remake, so close to the original that you mine as well watch that instead, as it is creepier and has a better cast. Liev Streiber is no Gregory Peck. David Thewliss is good in the David Warner part, though, and is probably the most interesting character in the entire movie. No need to see this, even when it shows up on dvd.

Omen II: Damien, The  (1978)

The opening sequence in the movie begins right after the first Omen movie, with a religious scholar uncovering a mosaic that depicts the antichrist—and it clearly has Damien Thorne’s face. But before he can warn anyone he and an archeologist are buried alive when the temple crashes down upon them. Then, we go to seven years later and are introduced to a teenaged Damien. He is now living with his father’s brother (William Holden), who has a son his own age. In fact, they both go to the same military school. Yet Damien doesn’t know he’s the son of Satan at first and seems adverse to doing evil things. There’s a news reporter who believes Damien is the son of the devil who is dispatched by ravens. In the first movie it was dogs—now it’s evil birds. And we discover he has secret supporters, like the vice-president of his uncle’s company (Robert Foxworth), his military school teacher (Lance Henricksen) and even his adoptive mother (Lee Grant). This is all tested when he has the choice to kill his step-brother or not. This is what a sequel is supposed to be, different from the first and continuing the story...

Omen IV: The Awakening (1991)

When this television movie first aired I absolutely hated it. But an opinion can change on a second viewing, eleven years later. Here, a couple adopts a baby girl from a nun run orphanage, unaware that this is the child of Damien Thorne. The nuns know that the child is evil but don’t say anything. The girl, named Delia, grows up to an eight-year-old and seems normal, at least to the parents, because she acts differently around them. They don’t see her evil side, such as when she taunts her fellow students. In one scene she’s almost run over by a truck but a Rotweiller jumps on her, knocking her out of harms way. From that point on her and the big dog are inseparable. Later, a nanny is hired to help care for her-and she immediately gets a bad vibe from the kid. She introduces the child to her psychic friend, Noah, who can see people’s auras-but the aura he sees around the child is black and muddy, with red streaks through it. Evil. He splits in a hurry. Later, the nanny takes her to a ‘psychic fair’-and this causes havoc as all the psychics are overcome by her evil. A fire breaks out, people catch on fire and the whole fair goes up in flames. Soon, this woman is killed when the pet dog knocks her out a window. A new nanny is hired but, unbeknown to them, she’s part of the ‘Damien Cult’. When the mother finds out that she’s pregnant, a near impossibility, she’s ecstatic. But this soon turns to fear when she suspects that her daughter wants to kill her unborn. Ironically, this isn’t the case. When the baby boy is born, her fear only increases. It turns out that the child she is carrying is in fact Delia’s twin, implanted in her by her pediatrician, who is also a follower of Satan. It seems that Delia was carrying her brother’s embryo within her-and this was taken out by the doctor and implanted in the mother. The mother freaks out with this knowledge, that she’s carrying the AntiChrist, and she kills the doctor. Unfortunately she is killed off. Delia, her brother, and her adopted father, who is a politician on his way to the presidency walk off into the distance, harboring an age of evil. Again, if you haven’t watched this movie since it first aired give it a second chance.

Once Upon A Time (2011)

In the pilot for this new ABC Television series twenty-eight-year-old Emma Swan (Jennifer Morrison) finds a ten-year-old boy in her apartment. He claims to be the son she gave up for adoption. He carries a book of Fairy Tales and insists they are true, continuing with this tale the entire time she drives him back to his town of Storybrooke, Maine.

The program cuts back and forth between our world and the Fairy Tale world. We learn that Snow White and Prince Charming are married and are expecting a child. The Evil Queen isn’t so happy about their happiness, so she curses the land. The couple confront a seer— Rumpelstiltskin (Robert Carlyle of Stargate Universe) to find out if this will happen or not. He confirms that something bad happens and that it will be up to their daughter to save them in 28 years. Just before the curse overtakes the land Snow White gives birth to Emma and sends her to our world. Of course, this turns out to be Emma Swan. Once she’s in Storybrooke she meets the boy’s mother, who turns out to not only be the mayor but the Evil Queen. And we see some of the seven dwarves and Jimminy Cricket in human form. We’re also introduced to the boy’s elementary school teacher, who is really Snow White (and Emma’s mother).

This show sounds like a good idea and the previews were intriguing—but everything is too flat and it’s not effective cutting back and forth between the Fairy Tale Land and the “reality”. The producers/writers should have just gone with the reality and shown the other stuff through dreams or visions, so that we gradually learn who is who. Too much info is smashed into the forty minutes. If you’re looking for a great treatment of Fairy Tale characters in modern day, check out the Fables graphic novels by Bill Willingham. This show pales in comparison to those tales.

One Hell of a Christmas (2002)

Carlitos, released on parole after serving time in jail, makes his way back home in hopes of rekindling a relationship with his five-year-old son. But his wife doesn’t want him to see him on Christmas so he gets drunk. In the meantime, his crazy friend gets involved with some supernatural stuff, which follows him back to Carlitos’ house. A hooker gets turned into a zombie looking like the babe in Return of the Living Dead 3...and eventually they come face to face with Satan. Something happened in the middle of the movie but that’s when I had fallen asleep. Anyway, everything turns out okay, the guy gets back together with his wife and son and they all live happily ever after. These Fangoria movies are sucking more and more lately...

One Hundred Feet (2009)

The latest horror movie from writer/director Eric Red is a bit of a departure, as it’s a old-fashioned ghost story that primarily takes place within the confines of a New York City Brownstone. Famke Janseen (X-Men Trilogy) portrays Marnie Watson, who is being released to house arrest to finish out her prison term. She was convicted of killing her cop husband (Michael Pare of Eddie & The Cruisers), though it was self-defense. However, her husband’s old partner (Bobby Canavale) still holds a grudge.

Unfortunately her brownstone is also where she killed her husband and the electronic tether, which keeps her on the premises, is located exactly where she did the deed, so she can never get a hundred feet away from the spot. As if this isn’t bad enough, his ghost begins to haunt her in a very physical way, continuing the beatings he had given her in real life. This ghost is very physical not to mention nasty looking.

While all this is happening, Marnie starts up a fling with the local grocery delivery boy (Ed Westick of Gossip Girl TV series). What the ghost does to him is truly horrific. There’s also a good twist on “The garbage disposal scene”, done in a way I’ve never seen before, never mind that no one actually has garbage disposals in New York.

100 Feet is a well-directed take on the “Asian Ghost Story” scenario, transplanted to Brooklyn, New York, further enhanced by the solid performances by Janssen and Pare.

One Million Years B.C. (1940)

This is the story of Tumak, of the rock people, and Luana, of the shell people, and how their differing stone-age tribes become united in a prehistoric world. There’s some surprisingly good effects, as with the woolly mammoth and the set design (which looks like it’s from King Kong), and I think this is the first time live lizards and reptiles were used (with glued on fins and spines) to portray dinosaurs. The best of all is the volcano exploding at the end, with the lava running over fleeing cavemen. What makes it all the more engaging are are the performances by Victor Mature (Tumak) and Carol Landis (Luana). Highly recommended, as is the Hammer remake from the 60’s.

One Million Years B.C. (1966)

This Hammer remake of the original 1940 movie opts for using stop-motion animated dinosaurs (by Ray Harryhausen) rather than gluing fins on real lizards, though there is an “homage” to the previous movie when the main caveman, Tumak, encounters a giant iguana out in the rocky desert.

Tumak is kicked out of the Rock Tribe after he gets in a fight with his father, Akoba, who is chief of the tribe. He makes his way through the barren prehistoric wasteland, where he sees a brontosaurus, a giant spider, and a tribe of fur-covered subhumans who live in a cave with a giant pine tree growing out of it. Eventually he stumbles out onto an oceanside beach where he encounters the blonde women of the Shell tribe. They are chasing away a giant sea turtle. Loana (Raquel Welch) immediately takes a liking to Tumak and nurses him back to health. When this more culturally advanced tribe is attacked by an allosaurus that comes into camp he manages to kill it with a spear. Later, Tumak tries to take this spear, which belongs to one of the Shell Men. There’s a fight and Tumak is kicked out because of stealing, something they don’t do. Loana chooses to go with him. They make their way back to the Rock Tribe, crossing back over that desert, where they witness a battle between a Ceratosaurus and a Triceratops. Once there, it’s a bit of a culture shock for Loana since these people are a bit more crude. And there’s Nupondi (Martine Beswick), who is interested in Tumak and gets in a fight with Loana. Loana wins. Later, when she’s teaching them how to swim, she’s snatched by a giant Pterodactyl—and narrowly escapes. Of course, everything comes to an end when the nearby volcano explodes, devastating both tribes. With only half of them left, the suggestion is that a new tribe—a combination of both—has begun.

This is the full- version shown on Fox Network, which has the additional monsters in the desert and the two scenes with the subhumans. One Million Years B.C is one of my favorite Hammer movies.

One Missed Call (2008)

A group of friends start receiving strange phone calls on their cell phones and then start dying shortly thereafter. First, they get this strange musical ring tone. Then, when they retrieve their message they hear themselves, but the message is dated two days in the future. When that time approaches they are killed in some horrible way. Beth Raymond (Shannyn Sossamon of The Order, Moonlight) is determined to find out why her friends are dying and she’s helped by policeman Jack Andrews (Edward Burns), whose sister was killed in the same way. There are some creepy and startling moments, but the movie is too similar to movies like The Ring and the Final Destination to set it apart.

One of Them (2004)

Five young friends, on their way to a trip in the country, crash their car when a mysterious swarm of bugs hits their vehicle. They crash and flip over a few times. When they awaken the next morning they all find themselves in a hospital-like ward, though they soon discover they’re actually at a private school called the Marquez Academy. Least to say, it’s not a normal school. The youths all take it matter-of-factly that their smashed car is being repaired-as well as finding out that the phones don’t work. They explore the ancient looking school and meet a few of the students that are there. These students are part of a cult-like group who desire immortality through death. In fact, some of the characters are already dead. There’s also a sub-plot about one of the women having nightmares about her insane mother-and that she keeps on seeing her. It turns out that her mother had resided at the Academy years before and gave birth to twins, who figure into the story. I kept on asking myself what this movie was about. It meandered all over the place. There’s a hint that the supernatural is because of voodoo-and we see the small voodoo dolls placed about. Then there’s a story about how the Spanish killed and enslaved the local Indians, which may figure into it somehow. The teachers, acting very suspicious from the get-go, also don robes and kill people. I also thought it weird that the locations for some of the scenes did not match. When we see the Marquez Academy it looks to be surrounded by desert-there are plenty of Joshua trees and we see mountains in the distance. But when one of the characters wanders away from the place he soon enters a very green forest. I don’t think those biomes would be so close to each other. Also, the acting for the most part, is simply awful, particularly this short-haired blonde girl who has the same facial expression throughout the movie, even when she’s being stabbed with a knife. One of Them is one of those movies that you easily forget.

One-Hour Photo (2002)

Robin Williams gives an extremely creepy/sympathetic performance in this tale about a lonely photo store guy who has emotionally latched on to one of his customers and her family. In his sparsely decorated apartment one of the walls is entirely filled with copies of photos they had brought in to be developed. Nine years of photos. He imagines that he’s part of their family, which he idealizes as being ‘the perfect family’. When he discovers that the husband has been cheating on his wife he flips out and goes after him and his mistress. Throughout the entire movie you’re really not sure if he’ll do anything violent-and this really propels the movie.

One, The (2002)

Although this is an entertaining, no-brainer action movie it’s basically HIGHLANDER with Matrix type motion effects. The basic premise is that there are many similar Universes, called Multiverses—and one man (Jet Li) is travelling to each one killing the version of himself that lives there. Each time he kills ‘himself’ he gains more power (strength and intellect)—until there is only one other left. As the villain says ‘In the end there can be only one’—but where have we heard that before? Sheesh.

Open Graves (2010)

This movie got my attention from the beginning, with some horrific images of torture in the Middle Ages. Then it’s to a beach shore in the present day. Here, Jason (Mike Vogel of Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake) is a surfer/graduate student in Spain who is given a weird board game called Mamba by an amputee store shop owner. The goal of the game is to win and if you win you will have your wish granted, whatever it is He meets another American, Erica, and there’s some mutual interest. When Jason gets his friends together, including best friend Tomas and his girlfriend Lisa, he invites Erica to join. If you get an “Open Grave” card you can continue to play the game. But if you get an epitaph card then it’s over and you’re a loser. Literally.

A guy named Pablo is the first one who loses, so he goes on a beer run. But he ends up stopping by the side of the road to urinate over the edge of a cliff, which is a mistake since he slips and falls. The fall doesn’t kill him but it paralyzes him so that the many crabs can finish the job. They pick out his eyes with their pincers. When the police show up to inform them of their friends untimely death, they stop the game. Jason and Erica are still in the running. The next to die is Miguel, who is bitten to death by a whole slew of Black Mamba vipers, which aren’t even native to Spain. This freaks out the four remaining friends who wan’t to believe it’s a coincidence. But as they say, things happen for a reason. They lost. The next victim is Lisa, who has a a very different sort of fate, which ties into her being a model. Jason does a web search and gets some info about the game, which is said to be made from the skin and blood of a witch that was killed by Torqemada during the Spanish Inquisition over four hundred years before. Jason and Tomas track down the guy who gave Jason the game and it looks like his wish came true because he re-grew his legs. The only hope of “fixing” all this is for either Jason or Erica to continue the game and win and then wish that none of this ever happened, that they were all back in time a week ago and all still alive.

Of course, the ending is obvious and it kind of put a damper on the whole thing. Open Graves lacks the suspense of The Final Destination movies and actually has more in common with Hellraiser. While the physical effects are good, much of the computer generated effects, such as those goofy cartoon snakes, are lacking. Even fans of Eliza Dushku won’t be too happy that she’s underutilized in the movie—it’s sort of like a cameo that extends for the entire movie. If you haven’t seen a horror movie in the past twenty years then you may enjoy it.

Open Water (2003)

Shot documentary style, this is the unpleasant story of what happens when two scuba divers are left behind in the ocean by their tour boat. The first fifteen minutes, which tries to establish the relationship between the couple, does not work all that well. But from the point after which they are stranded the movie becomes increasingly harrowing, ultimately ending in a bad way (and exactly how you think it will end). The best things about this movie are the shark scenes and the fact that it tries to be different.

Open Water  II: Adrift (2007)

This is much better than the original movie, with a more interesting story and more fleshed-out characters. A group of friends reunite after five years, one of them married so she brings her husband and newborn girl on the trip with them. The million dollar sailboat belongs to their asshole friend, who doesn’t know everything about the boat. When they all dive in for a swim he forgets to lower the ladder and they’re all stuck floating in the water. One by one they meet unfortunate ends. Recommended.

Open Window, The (2002)

This is an excellent, suspenseful short film by Noah Arntson. Long, long ago, a tax collector goes to a secluded house to get his money and confronts the young woman and her grandmother who live there. She explains why there is no money—that her brothers had gone out in to the swamps one night, during a full-moon, and had never come back. She tells him that she often hears their cries, though, particularly on nights of the full-moon. Well, that night just happens to be the full moon. Spooked, the tax man doesn’t know what to make of the story, until they start to hear the cry of those men. Are they her brothers, back from the dead. Are they even men?

Open Your Eyes (1997)

This is the original Spanish movie upon which Vanilla Sky was based. About a man kept in a psychiatric prison for murdering a woman, yet we’re never sure, until the end, who it really is— the woman who stalked him or the woman he fell in love with. Actress Penelope Cruz first portrays the Sofia character here—and many of the scenes are almost exactly the same in the remake. Surprisingly, though, the remake has improved on some of the ideas, not to mention production values, and benefits greatly from the casting of Hollywood actors. Not that often it happens but I enjoyed the remake much better.

Operation Sandman (2000)

A group of soldiers are subjected to an experimental drug which prevents them from sleeping. The goal is to see how long they can sustain this condition. In charge of the project is an evil doctor (Ron Perlman as yet another direct-to-video villian) who tries to hide the dangers of his creation from his bosses. When one of these soldiers dies, as if from an explosion a woman investigator is sent in by the army to figure out what happened. It turns out that most of these soldiers have seen apparitions they call ‘Freaks’. Because they haven’t been able to sleep their dreams and nightmares are coming through when they are awake. One soldier keeps on seeing a man in a wheelchair and soon he becomes paralyzed from the waist down. Another sees the Mafia boss and his cronnies that he turned in years before. Their nightmares are killing them. In the end one of the surviving soldiers really freaks out and tries to kill the others-and it’s a battle between them until help arrives.

Orca the Killer Whale (1981)

I put off seeing this movie for two decades, thinking it just another Jaws ripoff—and while I’m sure its making was very much inspired by the shark movie, it is a very different film, more akin to Frankenstein than anything else. Richard Harris (A Man Called Horse, Harry Potter) portrays a fisherman who accidently kills the giant whale’s pregnant male while trying to capture her—and the Orca seeks revenge. Orca smashes boats, collapses seaside buildings and even manages to cause the near destruction of a town by fire, challenging Harris to come out to the sea to fight him. With most of his friends killed, Harris realizes that the only choice he has is to face this monster of rage he created. Years before his own pregnant wife was killed by a drunk driver—yet he did nothing for revenge—and thinks that the whale cared more for his mate than he did. Guilty and despondent by his own choices in life, he lets the whale lead him to the arctic circle where they are able to face each other, killer to killer. As soon as Harris is killed, the revenge accomplished, the anger leaves the Orca, who swims off into the distance. Both got what the wanted.

Order, The (2003)

This supernatural thriller is completely different than I thought it would be, judging from the previews. Rather than being another movie dealing with the Devil, it instead tackles the politics and good vs. evil going on within the Catholic Church itself. One faction wants to destroy ‘the Soul Eater’, a man who is able to consume the sins from another and allow them to go to heaven. Another wants to preserve this being. One priest (Heath Ledger of A Knight’s Tale) starts investigating the suicide death of his mentor, an old man who had made a deal with this Soul Eater. This is complicated by the appearance of a young woman (Shannyn Sosamon, also of A Knight’s Tale) who is in love with him. He had performed a successful exorcism on her a year before.There are some disturbing moments, such as with these demons in the guise of young children, a decadent underground adult playground and scenes with ‘The Black Pope’. Best of all, this movie is far better than you’d think it would be.

Organizm (2008)

I had no expectations when I put this in the dvd player but by the end credits I really liked this movie...except for one thing: the digital special effects. These include CGI gunshots to the head, which looks cartoonish, a fake helicopter and some weird radar images.

However, the makeup effects are great, as you would expect from Bob Kurtzman. In fact, the effects of the tendrils shooting about is creepy, far more effective than the vines in The Ruins. If you were disappointed by that Hollywood movie then you should definitely rent this out— it more than makes up for it. As for the movie itself, it’s well written and has a feeling of dread about it, like the original Andromeda Strain. A secret experiment from the 1950’s is uncovered and a weird organism is released, which is related to a biology teacher from New Jersey (Johnathon Schaech of Quarantine, Prom Night). It’s up to him and a female soldier to stop it from taking over the world.

Recommended.

Original Sins (1996)

Stress the word ORIGINAL. A trio of fanatical Catholic girls, while taking a walk through the local field, have a close encounter with whom they believe is Jesus. Actually, it’s a space alien who wants to take them back as sex-controlled slaves. There’s also a sub-plot about a garage rock band who unleashes one of Satan’s minions, a demon appropriately named Kaps (played by Scooter McCrae), who does all sorts of horrible things, sure to offend most of middle America (the scene with the tar and the priest is unbelievable!). Not for the squeamish or religious.

Orphan, The  (2009)

John and Kate Coleman, who already have a boy and a girl, decide to adopt nine-year-old Russian girl Esther after they meet her at the orphanage. But the couple have some marital problems, such as Kate (Vera Farmiga of the other evil kid movie, JOSHUA) being an alcoholic who is trying to maintain her sobriety. She’s responsible for an accident that caused her daughter to become deaf. And her last baby was a stillborn, which prompted them to adopt another child. To top it off John had an affair ten years ago for which she’s never truly forgiven him. All of these things come out as sweet innocent Esther starts manipulating them. She also terrifies her new step brother and involves her younger step-sister in covering up a murder. When the nun who runs the orphanage comes to the house with some unsettling information about Esther, she kills her with a hammer and dumps the body off the road. She hides her bloody clothes and hammer up in the brother’s tree house. But when he finds all this she locks him up there and tries to burn him down. He jumps out and survives but is in critical care in the hospital. When the family visits him Esther gives it another go...

Then Esther sets her sites on her new father, John, and turns him against Kate. After all, how can this innocent little girl be doing all of these horrible things her step-mother is accusing her of? While I was watching the movie I kept on thinking there would be this supernatural revelation at the end that would explain her behavior. But what happens took me by surprise. I did not see that coming—and it’s way more creepy that being possessed by demons. This movie gets lots of points for originality. For me, The Orphan is at the top of the killer kid sub-genre of horror movies.

Orphanage, The (2008)

A woman and her husband buy an old orphanage, where she was adopted from, intending to make it a home for disabled kids. Their own son is adopted and has to take medicine for his HIV. He meets an imaginary friend named Tomas, who turns out to be the ghost of a deformed kid that was killed by accident. And there’s five other ghost children as well, trapped in the house. Things take a strange turn when her son mysteriously disappears without a trace and the mother thinks creepy Tomas has something to do with it. The revelation of what happened to her son is truly an ‘oh, shit’, moment.

Although somewhat slow paced it does have its shock moments and is a genuinely moody, creepy ghost story along the lines of The Others.

Other Side, The (2007)

Samuel North has returned home after college, wanting to be with his girlfriend (Jamie Alexander). Yet she never meets him that night, which gets him worrying, until his car is sideswiped by a van and he’s killed. He goes to Hell but soon escapes with some other guys, several who had escaped before. But Hell has sent three Reapers to bring them back to the netherworld, creatures who can reanimate and take possession of corpses. So, if one is killed it just takes control of another body. Sam soon discovers that his missing girlfriend was murdered and he goes to find out whose responsible. Two of the other escapees agree to help him so they can redeem themselves and possibly go to heaven the next time they die. In the end we find out why he was killed, why she was killed and why, exactly, he ended up in Hell in the first place. This is a well-edited, attention grabbing horror film.

Otherworld (1985)

This is one of my favorite Sci-Fi shows from the 80’s. The Sterling family goes on a tour of one of the Egyptian pyramids and get sucked into a portal to another Earth-like world called Thel in a parallel dimension. The planet is divided into various zones, each containing very types of cities. However, they are all ruled by a dictator who lives in the capital of Imar.

In the first episode, Rules of Attraction, after the Sterlings find themselves in this other world, they encounter bad guy Nuveen Kroll (Jonathan Banks of Breaking Bad), a zone trooper commander who tries to arrest them for not having the proper identification. They resist, accidently knock him out and take his vehicle for escape. They also have this crystal key which comes in handy in future episodes, as it allows them to access various computer banks and create new identities. They hide out in an idyllic city where the people act a bit strange, which is explained when they realize they are all robots. The teenaged son, Trace, has fallen in love with a girl robot and doesn’t want to leave her. She ends up helping them escape.

In the second episode, The Zone Troopers Build Men, Trace does bad in high school and gets a yellow slip, which means he’s now recruited by the Zone troopers. He’s forced to go through boot camp and is determined to become an officer since officers are the only ones who can quit the job. Mark Lennard (Sarek from Star Trek) portrays the leader of the academy.

In Paradise Lost the Sterlings find themselves on a tropical island vacationland after braving a weird electrical storm on the ocean. It turns out that it was a scientific lab before it was a resort and they’re still doing biological experiments. The woman who runs the resort is ancient but is able to keep young by taking a potion derived from the essence of humans. She becomes obsessed with the father, Hal Sterling (Sam Groom) and tries to brainwash him.

Rock and Roll Suicide is the best episode of the series, a wish fulfillment for anyone who ever imagined being a rock star. The two teenagers, Trace and his sister Gina “invent” rock and roll and become rock stars, much to the dismay of the leader of the local Church, The Church of Artificial Intelligence.

In Village of the Motorpigs the family is abducted by a gang of motorcyclers who force people to work in their mine, digging out a type of chalk that has a narcotic effect. Here they meet a man whose grandfather came from Earth, which gives them hope that they may be able to find a way home.

I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar concerns a city where men are treated like slaves and June Sterling becomes the head of the household. Kroll, as always, is pursuing the Sterlings and ticks off the leader of the city and is bound and sold at an auction.

After crossing a barren wasteland in a wagon, the Sterlings come to a strange forest ruled by a Beast-man. He has power not only over the animals but the weather. He takes a liking to June Sterling after he watches her treat an injured owl (she was a Veterinarian on Earth) and tells the others to go away. They do, just to figure out a plan to get their mother back, and encounter an old woodsman (Jon Astin). It turns out that this is his brother, who started transforming after getting caught between the parallel worlds. Again, this gives the Sterlings hope that there is a way back home.

In Princess Metra, the new city they come to in a hot air balloon thinks that Gina (Jonna Lee) is the reincarnation of a long ago princess because of her long blonde hair. She successfully passes a test, which involves answering questions about Earth, and discovers that Princess Metra was another Earthling, from the 1960’s. It turns out that time works different on Thel.

Overall, this was a decent series, along the lines of Irwin Allen’s Lost in Space crossed with Sid & Marty Kroft’s Land of the Lost.

Out for Blood (2004)

This is just an ‘okay’ vampire movie and everything plays out in it exactly how you think it will. Kevin Dillon (The Blob) is an alcoholic cop who is recently divorced (why do 90% of cops in movies fit this scenario?). While investigating a missing girl he comes across a vampire den and is bitten by the ‘Master’ vampire, who looks like a thick bodied Nosferatu. Dillon goes to his police chief (Lance Henriksen, who was probably hired for the day) and tells him the story-and, of course, the jaded officer doesn’t believe him. Then he goes to his ex-wife (Vanessa Angel of the Weird Science TV series, Sabertooth) and tells the tale to her. By coincidence, she’s a best-selling author who specializes in vampire novels. She believes her ex-hubby-and in fact wants to meet the real vampires because she wants to become one of them. Well, you get the idea what ultimately happens...The makeup effects are goofy in that they look like latex appliances-and the overly large, pointed ears make the vamps look like big leprechauns or something. And why is it, ever since the movie Fright Night (the original), do vampires have to change their appearance when they show their fangs? It used to be that they just showed the fangs-they didn’t transform into a werewolf/zombie looking things. Enough!

Outcasts (2011)

The premise is that in 2040 humanity has fled to the stars, for a new home since Earth had been rendered uninhabitable through war. A colony has been established on beautiful earth-like planet but the majority of what we see are the interiors of buildings and interiors of spaceships. There’s a running theme that the people do not want to repeat their past, with the pettiness and violence that almost made them extinct, yet they are doing the exact same thing on this planet. One of the people in charge of the colony is Stella Isen, who was among the first colonists. When a huge transporter ship shows up in orbit, the last one from Earth, she is hopeful that her husband and daughter are on it, as she hasn’t seen them in fifteen years. The husband never made it but the daughter manages to escape in a shuttle before the ship crash lands and is taken prisoner by a rebel group who live in the wild. They have a newborn baby that is sick with pneumonia and hold the girl prisoner until the city people help. Years before there was a virus that killed all the children, so this child is viewed as hope for the future.

When I began watching this show I was all set to see an alien world and instead I get is bickering between a lot of unpleasant characters. Actor Jamie Bamber (Apollo from
Battlestar Galactica) appears in the first episode as the rebel leader who kills his wife for betraying him but he’s killed off. Outcasts is too vague, the characters too distant. I am very reluctant to watch a third episode...

Outing, The (1986)

A 3,000 year old genie is awakened from his magic lamp and causes havoc to the life of a teenaged girl, not to mention slaughtering a dozen of her peers. After a party she and her friends decide, for the fun of it, to hide out in the museum where her father works (influence of the genie). Here, the monster starts to hunt them down. Strikingly similar to the recent Wishmaster movies in that the djinn is psychically connected to a young woman and grants wishes that ultimately turn out bad, this movie is nevertheless a victim of becoming just another slasher movie from the 80’s. Which isn’t such a bad thing...

Outlander (2009)

In the year 700 A.D, a spacecraft crash lands in a lake, in Norway. Two space suited figures manage to get to shore and when one of them takes off his helmet we see that he’s very human looking. This is because when he looks up Earth on his computer, it says “Abandoned Colony”. So he’s human. He also rapidly learns the current language by injecting himself with nanoprobes, so he can speak to the local populace, who are vikings.

When the vikings ask him what he’s doing in their land, he says he’s hunting a dragon—and they all laugh and beat the crap out of him. But he really is after a dragon. This is a creature called a Morwyn, which had snuck aboard his spacecraft and is the reason all the crew was slain and the ship crashed. Now it’s up to him to destroy the creature, but he only weapons at his disposal are swords and fire.

What I found interesting about this is that there isn’t much of a culture shock for the main character, Canan (James Caviezel, as he’s a soldier and can relate to these guys on some basic level. He fits right in. The story also reminded me a bit of Beowulf. Recommended.

Outlaws (1986)

In the two-hour premiere movie, which originally aired as a CBS Sunday Night Movie, a group of bank-robbing outlaws from 1898 are transported to 1986 when they are all struck by some strange lightning in an Indian burial ground. However, the sheriff who is after them, is also transported to 1981. This is John Grail (Rod Taylor) and he used to be the gang’s leader. Other members of the group are Harland Pike (William Lucking), his younger brother Billy Pike, Wolf Lucas (Charles Napier) and Isaiah McAdams (Richard Rountree). Grail and the others settle their differences when they fight a common foe. They manage to more or less adapt to the modern world and set up a “Detecting Agency” on a ranch they purchased with the money from that bank robbery.

They also befriend their neighbor, Lt. Maggie Randall, and help her with some of her police cases. There’s good chemistry between Maggie and Grail. In one of the more interesting episodes the gang travels to New Orleans, where Isaiah confronts the ancestor of the man who had owned him as a slave. In one of the last episodes of this short-lived series, entitled Madrid, Grail is forced to confront an unpleasant event from his past in which he killed that town’s sheriff. Now, he meets the man’s surviving son (Lew Ayres), who is well into his 90’s. By saving the town from destruction by land developers he’s able to make some small amends.

I always thought this was one of the better pseudo Sci-Fi shows from the 80’s.

Outpost (2008)

A group of mercenaries, led by DC (Ray Stevenson of Rome, Punisher: Warzone) are by an English guy named Hunt to take him to location in Eastern Europe. They think it will be easy money. It turns out to be an old Nazi bunker from World War II. But almost immediately they are shot at from the woods and one of them is injured. After a particularly long firefight they go to investigate the nearby woods but don’t even find shell casings from the spent bullets. So they hole up in the bunker and get the electricity working. While some of the mercs are exploring they come across a room filled with recently dead bodies—and one of them is alive, a very pale, gaunt man who will not utter a word. He seems almost catatonic.

Hunt reveals that he’s looking for something the Nazi’s were experimenting with, a type of energy that would make their soldiers unstoppable. He finds the machine they used. But when shapes begin to appear and we see that they look like Nazi soldiers, he believes that they are the result of these experiments. In fact, that is who was shooting at them—these zombie-like Nazis.

Outpost is a well produced horror movie along the lines of Shock Waves. In fact, it could almost be a sequel to that movie since it deals with very similar themes and, of course, has zombie shock troopers. You can’t go wrong with that.

Outpost: Black Sun (2011)

A female Nazi hunter, Lena, tracks down a former German General at an old folks home in Paraguay. She tortures him for information and he ends up dying of a heart attack. But she gets some of the information she needs, to track down a guy named Klausener, who has created a new technology that makes soldiers indestructible. It also makes them a sort of zombie. She joins a colleague, Wallace (Richard Coyle of Strange TV series). He’s interested in finding out the source of the spreading magnetic field is—it’s this electrical area that makes the zombies possible. But he has his own agenda, which becomes evident at the end of the movie. The final confrontation, in which they try to shut the machine off, takes place in an underground bunker filled with the undead.

The movie is somewhat slow-paced but the Nazi zombies are creepy and effective. If you enjoyed the first Outpost you should enjoy this sequel.

Oxygen (2000)

Maura Tierney is an alcoholic police detective (is there any other kind?) separated from her captain husband—and she gets involved with solving the kidnapping of a millionaire’s wife. The kidnappers bury her alive with enough air for twenty-four hours—and want one million dollars in cash, otherwise they won’t let anyone know where she’s buried. The detective must deal with her personal demons, primarily by confronting the killer/kidnapper, who mirrors a lot of her own behavior and desires. Will she succumb to ‘the dark side’ or will she do her job?

Oz the Great and Powerful (2013)

James Franco portrays Oscar Diggs, a small-time traveling circus magician, “Oz”, who is transported, via a hot air balloon caught in a tornado, to the magical land of Oz. He first meets the witch Theodora (Mila Kunis), who thinks he’s the new wizard that’s been foretold. On the yellow brick road he also meets Finley, a flying monkey who he saves from being killed by a lion. Oz is taken to the Emerald City where he meets her sister, Evanora (Rachel Weisz). He’s told that he has to defeat the evil witch—and heads on a quest to do so. He picks up another traveling companion when he goes through “China town”—a small girl made from porcelin. He repairs her shattered legs with some glue. Finally, they encounter the “evil witch” in a haunted graveyard—but this turns out to be Glinda (Michelle Williams), who is a good witch. It’s Evanora and Theodora who are evil.

Slowly, Oscar becomes convinced that he is indeed the wizard that Oz needs—and goes about with a plan to defeat the evil witches. He has his work cut out for him—but with the help of the Oz inhabitants, including the Tinkers, who can make everything, he goes up against them. We also find out how Theodora becomes the hideous green Wicked Witch of the West, which is interesting. It definitely honors Margaret Hamilton in the original role in The Wizard of Oz. This younger version is no less terrifying.

Oz the Great and Powerful features some of the best 3-D since Avatar and is a great prequel to the beloved classic film. It’s lot better than I thought it would be. Highly recommended.

“P” Titles

P. A.C.K., The (1997)

A Prefabricated Animalistic Cybernetic Killer crashes to earth and it’s up to the alien good guy, of course taking the shape of a human, to stop him from destroying the planet. The local redneck sheriff is determined to get to the bottom of the brutal slayings while at the same time an elite group of government agents try to neutralize the alien threat. We are introduced to all the members of this special group, including Sandahl Bergman (Conan the Barbarian, Red Sonja, She) who looks decidedly out of place in this Alabama lensed movie. She, of course, falls in love with the alien savior, they kill the monster and she flies off with him in his UFO. Although predictable, there’s enough action and effects to make The P.A.C.K. an entertaining 90 minutes.

Pack, The (1977)

Another great ‘animals on the rampage’ movie from the 70’s, this time about a pack of feral dogs on a small island. They’ve been left behind by tourists to fend for food on their own-but after eating everything on the island the only thing left is the people. Joe Don Baker is a marine biologist living there with his son-and he becomes the leader of the miniscule town as the dogs become more aggressive. It’s an interesting movie because you feel sorry for the dogs-their predicament was caused by their irresponsible owners-so they’re just doing what they can to survive. At the same time they are portrayed as ferocious creatures-and as a result a great deal of tension and suspense is conveyed throughout the film.

Pact with the Devil (2001)

This is a modern day take on The Picture of Dorian Gray, with the setting being the New York City fashion industry scene in the 1980’s. Dorian is a male model on his way to stardom who loses his humanity in the process. The instigator is his agent, Malcolm McDowell, who I think is supposed to be the devil. As Dorian becomes more successful this large photograph of him takes on his sins-and starts to deteriorate in the process. His picture looks absolutely horrendous by the end of the movie.I found this the weakest version of the novel I’ve seen, primarily because of the bad acting and the weird twist of Dorian being manipulated by an outside force. It takes away from his responsibility too much. The 80’s television movie, The Sins of Dorian Gray, which featured a female Dorian as a model, is much much better, so check that out if you can find it.

Painkiller Jane (2005)

Jane (Emmanuelle Vaugier of Saw II, House of the Dead II) is part of an army unit nicknamed “The Painkillers”, who is exposed to a man-made virus which kills everyone except for her. Now, she’s able to heal very quickly (her body will actually push out bullets), can run quickly and is able to process information at a vastly increased rate. She’s led to believe that the army intentionally did this to her but it turns out to be an evil genius (Tate Donovan), who desires to expedite humanity’s evolution. The performances are good enough but it’s sort of re-run time with the plot.

Pan’s Labyrinth (2007)

This is probably Guillermo del Toro’s best crafted movie to date, a story along the lines of The Devil’s Backbone with the special effects of Hellboy.

During the Spanish Civil War a young girl and her mother go to move in with “The Captain”, an evil man the pregnant mother had married to offer her children a better life. It’s clear from the start that the man has little regard for the daughter and is only concerned with the impending birth of his son, which is turning out to be a very difficult birth. The girl, however, meets a fairy in the nearby woods and is led to some ancient-looking ruins, where she meets the goat-like faun. He tells her that she is the spirit of the underworld’s long lost princess and that she must complete three tasks before the next full-moon. These are not your Witch & The Wardrobe type adventures-more more along the line of a nightmare David Lynch would have. First, she must retrieve the key from the stomach of a giant toad that lives in a rotted tree and another time must confront an eye-less eater of babies. But it’s the “reality” scenes of the war that are the most disturbing, particularly one in which the captain stitches closed a gaping wound to his face-that made me cringe. I highly recommend this movie.

Pandemic (2009)

During the intro credits we see a cowboy riding his horse in the country. Then, by the time he arrives at the horse stalls he’s not feeling so good. He then starts convulsing and blood vessels visibly expand on his face until he stops breathing, so he sort of looks like those vampires from the movie Interview with the Vampire.

That very same day Veterinarian Sydney Stevens is called out to look at a horse that is dying of the same symptoms. She has no idea what is causing this and the distraught owner shoots it to put it out of its misery. Then Sydney gets a report of another dead horse in the same community. When she sees a television newscast about the dead cowboy she goes to the coroner and manages to look at the body. It’s the same killer as the horses. They call in the Center for Disease Control—and almost immediately the Army arrives, as if they were listening to all the phone lines. They quarantine the town. Of course, the heroic Vet is suspicious something else is going on.

Pandemic is underwhelming on about every level. It’s written to stereotype, the story is predictable (the government did it) and the special effects look like they were done with a grease pencil. The lead actress is awfully wooden. Do not rent this. Keep it contained so it won’t spread.

Pandorum (2009)

Pandorum is of the “haunted spaceship” sub-genre of horror film, a cross between Silent Running and Event Horizon with a good dose of Robinson Crusoe thrown in. A man named Bower (Ben Foster of 30 Days of Night, Six Feet Under) awakens from his cryogenic sleep chamber to find himself aboard a massive spaceship. He has no memory, which is a side effect of a long sleep, though it slowly comes back to him as the movie progresses. He awakens another person he finds, Payton (Dennis Quaid) who is also part of the navigation crew. They are both locked in to the control section of the ship and try to figure out what is going on. Bower finds a way out only to discover that there is something else alive in the massive ship and it’s not quite human. There’s a tribe of ferocious looking creatures and they hunt humans. They are sort of like pseudo-zombies, like the Reavers from Serenity or the mutants from The Mutant Chronicles.

Bower remembers that he’s an engineer and by observing the flickering lights realizes that something is wrong with the ship’s power. With the help of Payton, who has the schematics of the ship where he is on the deck, he cautiously makes his way to the reactor. He finds some other survivors—a woman, Nadia, who has been awake for six months and a wild looking man, who doesn’t speak their language and seems very primitive. Just how long has Bower been asleep?

I won’t get in to what he finds and the satisfying twist ending except to say that it’s a fun ride. Not only one of the best horror movies of 2009, one of the best movies of the year.

Paradise Virus, The (2003)

This is a run of the mill Outbreak type movie starring some soap-opera actress and Lorenzo Lamas. Not really worth talking about.

Paradox (2010)

Soon after there are big solar flares from the sun, a physicist, Christian King, receives some strange photos from the satellite that is monitoring the activity. It’s a bunch of photos, which show a disaster, and one of them shows a cell phone that has the date and time—which is ten hours in the future. He contacts the police and asks for “someone with imagination” and they send him Detective Rebecca Flint. In the first episode they don’t prevent the disaster but they come very close. The second time it happens there’s a photo of Flint’s partner, dead, though the government wants to keep this information from her. They end up saving both of the people who are dead in the photos, which means this information may be coming from an alternate earth where things happened differently. In the fourth episode, they are shown pictures that are from two different incidents that result in death—one of a woman who will burn to death, the other of a man who will fall from working on the side of a tall building. They only save one of them.

In the fifth and final episode all of the clues point that something is going to happen specifically to this group of cops and that it also involves a mass shooting at a school. There’s a photo of Flint holding a machine gun so she thinks she’s somehow responsible. It ends on a cliffhanger, with Christian shot and bleeding and a vocal message, rather than photos, being transmitted by the satellite. The voice sounds very much like Detective Flint’s. It’s too bad there was never a series 2 as I would have liked to have found out the source and reason for these transmissions from the future.

Paranoia (1998)

Janet Mercer (Brigitte Bako), the sole survivor of her family’s murder by serial killer Calvin Hawks (Larry Drake of Dr. Giggles), has spent the past twenty-years living in the darkness, afraid of almost everything. But when Hawks is released from prison, due to good behavior, her fears become all too real. Because Calvin Hawks has saved her for last—and he’s on his way to finish the job. This is a decent serial-killer movie, due mostly to Bako and Drake’s performances, and the story takes an unexpected turn of effects that surprised me. Just when you think every serial killer movie has been done...

Paranoia 1.0 (2005)

Surreal tale of a computer programmer (Jeremy Sisto) living in a desolate urban landscape-who discovers a computer virus that also infects humans. I’ve read in various places that the director compares his movie to Kafka adaptation The Trial, and it very much has that claustrophobic, paranoid feel to it. The thing is, you have to be in the right mood to watch a film like this. The computer programmer encounters his strange apartment neighbors, including disillusioned nurse ( (Deborah Unger of The Game) and a quirky inventor (Udo Kier) whose best friend is a talking android head. You also get the sense that this takes someplace in the near future, as the technology is a bit more advanced. This is also a different part for lead Jeremy Sisto, who portrays a victim going slowly insane rather than being malevolently crazy. So, if you’re a David Lynch fan or simply like movies which have a circular ending, then you should enjoy this experience.

Paranoid (2000)

A fashion model named Chloe (Jessica Alba) goes with her boyfriend to this house way out in the English countryside and meets some very strange characters. There’s this really skinny guy who keeps on videotaping everything, the owners of the house both seem to WANT her and she finds out that the boyfriend she travelled with is married. Drugged out and exhausted from lack of sleep she becomes paranoid about what they’re going to do to her. Particularly when she wakes up and finds herself handcuffed to a bed. A sense of paranoia is successfully created and it’s interesting in seeing Alba in a role different from Dark Angel.

Paranormal Activity (2009)

This pseudo-documentary horror film actually manages to live up to the hype. The entire movie is shot like a home movie. A guy, Micah, and his girlfriend, Katie, live together. One day he brings home a new video camera to record the weird things that have been happening around the house (strange noises, et cetera). They have a psychic come over and she explains to him that she’s been haunted by this entity since she was eight years old and that it has followed her to this new house. He says it is a demon, not a ghost, and that he can’t help them. Micah doesn’t take this all very seriously and proceeds to videotape everything. He sets up the camera in the bedroom so it records them sleeping. And at first they see the bedroom door moving by itself. In the following days she has a bad nightmare, they are awakened by booming noises from downstairs and rush down to see a chandelier swaying. Micah wants to communicate with whatever it is but Katie keeps on begging him to stop it, that they’ll only anger it more and make things worse. And they do get much worse when he decides to borrow a ouija board.

The effects are very minimal but effective, such as when they see the weird footprints leading into their bedroom and when Katie is pulled by her leg, by the invisible presence, out of the bed. It leaves a lot up to the imagination and creates an increasing sense of unease. It’s the perfect horror movie to watch late at night, alone.

ParaNorman (2012)

Norman is the designated “weird kid” in school because he claims he can speak with ghosts. He can. In one of this animated features first scenes he’s walking down the street, seemingly talking to himself—then it switches to his point of view and we see dozens of ghosts, from soldiers to 1950’s housewives. There’s even a ghost dog that’s cut in half. It’s the 300th Anniversary of the town. However, there’s a curse upon the townspeople. Their Puritan founders had put a witch to death—and if the curse isn’t averted each year then the dead will come back to life. This particular year the person responsible for keeping the curse at bay is Norman’s crazy uncle, but the uncle dies. He becomes a ghost and tells Norman that it’s now his role to appease the witch, by reading a story from book. It doesn’t work. The dead come out of the ground—but they’re more afraid of the living people who want to blow their brains out, a clever reversal of the stereotypical zombie flesh-eating scenario.  Norman befriends the zombies—who are actually the corpses of those Puritans. It all comes down to a confrontation between Norman and the vengeful witch, who surprisingly turns out to be a little girl. It’s a good animated movie, not a great one.

Parasomnia (2008)

Art Student Danny Sloan is visiting his friend Billy at the local psychiatric hospital when he sees the beautiful Laura Baxter sleeping in her room. She has a medical condition called Parasomnia, and sleeps most of her life away, awakening for only brief times. He learns that she’s to become the latest experiment for an evil doctor so he rescues her and sneaks her out of the hospital. But she’s more than he can handle. At first she acts like a kid, then she becomes more violent. But this violence is because of her connection with serial killer Volpe, who was also kept at that psychiatric hospital. He is able to possess her body while she’s sleeping.

Although there is some very cool imagery, such as the various nightmares and the entire end sequence, which takes place in a weird art exhibit, the movie is convoluted and not believable by any stretch of the imagination. For example, when Danny asks questions about the sleeping girl and the doctor freely divulges all this personal information about her. In the end, when the killer from the hospital is able to possess her through her dreams, it’s Nightmare on Elm Street territory, which by now is old hat.I’m a big Bill Malone fan and loved House on Haunted Hill and Feardotcom. However, I’d rather just forget this movie.

Passengers (2009)

Psychologist Claire Summers (Anne Hathaway) is assigned to counsel a handful of plane crash survivors and soon becomes convinced that there’s a conspiracy to keep them from speaking what really happened that caused the crash. She starts taking an interest in one of the guys she interviews, Eric, and soon they become more than friends. Then, the people who survived the crash start disappearing and she thinks it has something to do with the mysterious agent following her.

Passengers is a good, solid ghost story. There’s great chemistry between the two leads, which is pivotal to the movie. The film reminded me a bit of Soul Survivor and Jacob’s Ladder. Recommended.

Passion of the Christ, The (2003)

You know, this is a horror movie. I put off seeing it until it came out on DVD just because EVERYONE was seeing it and I’m not one to conform with what everyone else is doing. Anyways, I was surprised. This is one of the nastiest movies I’ve seen since Mark of the Devil. Unpleasant to watch to the point of making me feel masochistic afterwards. Just grueling. If you like seeing someone being beaten to death for two hours than this is right up your alley. The person I was watching it with walked out during the whipping scene. If the exact same amount of gore and violence was in a movie that dealt with a different subject matter it would be NC-17 or unrated. The weird thing is, is that I know people who won’t let their children see PG-13 movies yet they dragged them (for multiple viewings) to this gorefest, gleefully telling them (eight-year-olds) that they’ll learn something good. The scenes involving the devil were really hokey. They got this androgynous-looking guy to play the part (which I guess is a dig against anyone who isn’t heterosexual), lurking around in the background.The sets & special effects are great, though. But as far as a message and people actually feeling good or teary-eyed after they see this movie.... And it sold something like 4.5 million DVD copies in the first few days of its release. I had a hard time watching this abuse once—but buying the DVD so can watch over and over again? I shake my head.I don’t get it. I just don’t get it.

Pathfinder (2007)

Although this movie has a good “look” to it, with the exaggerated blue lighting and harsh shadows, it has as much emotional resonance as a rock. Rather than go for the historical accuracy it’s presented as “The Untold Story...” and is simply the director’s “idea” of what Vikings are and the director’s idea of what those American Indians should be.

Karl Urban (LORD OF THE RINGS, CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK) as the Viking raised by Indians is decent enough, though he does have to say lots of badly written lines of dialogue. Clancy Brown is an intimidating villain as the Kreegan—oh - sorry, that’s a different movie - here he’s Gunnar.

Also, I read in a recent magazine interview in which the director says “this is the first time Vikings and Indians are together in a movie”, which is not true. There was a similarly themed movie called The Green Stone, made nearly twenty-years ago, released direct to video. Pathfinder is a big, empty Hollywood movie.

Paycheck (2004)

John Woo’s latest, based on a story by Phillip K. Dick (Bladerunner was based on his Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep) has a cool idea & great production value-but is surprisingly unengaging. Ben Afleck is a guy who is able to ‘reverse engineer’ almost anything. He’s paid big bucks by billion dollar companies to work for them-and when he’s done doing the work they erase his memory. His friend turns him on to a job where he’ll make over 90 million dollars in three years. It doesn’t quite work out. When he ‘wakes up’ three years later, with the past three years of his memory erased, he finds out that he signed away his massive paycheck and has only a pocketful of odds and ends to show for it. Turns out all these objects are clues as to what he was working on-and he has to figure out what that something was. Let’s just say it involves time travel to a certain extent. Uma Thurman is a scientist he had fallen in love with-but because he has no memory of it he has to start all over with her. And she helps him remember the secret project he was working on. As I said, the ideas are cool but the story just doesn’t suck you in and you don’t become very attached to any of the characters. If you’re a Woo fan then see this. Otherwise, no big loss.

Penny Dreadful (2006)

A young woman named Penny is traveling in a car with her psychiatrist (Mimi Rogers) in order to help her control her phobia of automobiles. Throughout the first ten minutes she has a few panic attacks. But that’s nothing compared to what she goes through after they pick up a creepy hitch-hiker and he ends up killing the doctor. He then traps her in her car, taunting her. This movie got off to a good start but midway through I was hitting the fast forward button, as it offered nothing new. And the whole idea of an escaped mental patient has been way overdone - in fact, it should never be used in a movie again!!

People, The (1972)

This Coppola produced tv movie is kind of an anti-Children of the Damned. Kim Darby (Teen Wolf, Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark) is a schoolteacher in yet another small town, inhabited by aliens who had crash landed on earth. Her students start displaying powers such as telekinesis. Daresay, she thinks it’s rather odd.

Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief (2010)

For some reason Zeus (Sean Bean of Game of Thrones), king of the Greek Gods, believes that Percy Jackson, son of Poseidon, has stolen his lightning bolt, the most powerful weapon in existence. He calls a meeting with Poseidon (Kevin McKidd of Rome) , who walks out of the ocean outside Coney Island, thirty-feet tall. He shrinks down to human size and then meets his brother atop the Empire State Building, which is where the hidden entrance to Olympus is. He tells Poseidon that if Percy doesn’t return the bolt within fourteen days there will be a war between them, a war which will kill off most of mankind.

Then we got to Percy, who is in high school. During a field trip to the museum he’s attacked by a substitute teacher, who is really a winged, gargoyle-like Fury. His wheelchair bound professor (Pierce Brosnan) and best friend, Grover, come to his rescue and tell him that he has to leave the city. He, Grover and his mother drive out to the country and are attacked by a huge minotaur, which seems to kill his mother. It’s also revealed that Grover his also his guardian—and a half-goat Satyr. Percy enters the realm of “the camp”, which is a training ground/refuge for all of the demi-gods and magical creatures. In fact, his crippled professor turns out to be Chiron, a centaur.

Chiron wants Percy to go to Olympus and explain to Zeus that it’s all a mistake and that he didn’t steal the lightning. But before he can do this Hades makes an appearance and tells him that his mother is really alive—and being kept in Hell. If Percy gives him the lightning he’ll let his mother go. So Percy, Grover and new friend Annabeth, who is the daughter of Athena, go on a quest. Before they can go to Hades they must first secure a way to get out of there, which is in the form of these strange pearls. While recovering them they encounter a gorgon, a hydra and the lotus eaters.

I found this movie much more entertaining than any of the Harry Potter movies and it’s in the spirit of those old Ray Harryhausen mythical movies, like Jason and the Argonauts and the Sinbad movies. It stays true to the source material and has some interesting bits, such as with the pissed off Persephone (Rosario Dawson) and the winged tennis shoes. Think of it as a lite version of Clash of the Titans and you get the idea. Recommended.

Perfect Blue (1997)

A Japanese Pop singer named Mima quits her successful singing group to pursue a career as an actress. But when she lands a role in a sexually explicit murder mystery she upsets one of her pop singer fans, who may be stalking her. He has created a website about Mima, even going so far as to create her day to day diary for all to read. As the movie progresses Mima starts having other problems—she misses being a pop star idol, hates having to do scenes like rap scenes for the movie. And soon she starts seeing ‘Pop Star Mima’ as another entity separate from herself. The line between reality and fantasy blurs, particularly when a scene happens—and then she awakens to experience a nearly identical scene all over again. Is she having a breakdown? Is her singing persona really becoming alive? The ending is surprising. Interesting story, plenty of blood and sex—and did I forget to say that this is an animated movie?

Perfect Creature (2007)

This movie takes place on an alternate world, like the movie The Breed (not the killer dog movie, the vampire one with Adrian Paul), in which vampires are the good guys. An alchemist experiment was responsible for creating them in the Middle Ages - and ever since that time they have been mankind’s benefactors. They feed off of humans but never kill them. In return, the vampires are able to cure disease and their blood also has healing properties.

Trouble arises when one of the vampires goes insane and starts feeding on and killing humans. Another vampire (Dougray Scott) is sent to capture him and bring him back to The Brotherhood, where he can be contained. He is captured, but he escapes and is intent on spreading a plague of insanity to the world. He wants to transform all the vampires into killers and kill as many humans as he can. A woman detective (Saffron Burrows of Wing Commander, Deep Blue Sea), who was nearly killed by the serial killer, is also on the hunt. This is one of the most original vampire movies I have seen.

Perfect Getaway, A (2009)

Newlyweds Cliff and Sydney (Steve Zahn and Milla Jovovich) go to the Hawaiian islands for their honeymoon. This is tainted with the news that there’s a killer on the loose, which understandably freaks them out. They first run into Kale and Cleo on the drive through the jungle. They stop to give the hitchhikers a ride but Kale has an attitude problem, so they don’t. But they run into them later and it’s not the most comfortable confrontation. Cliff and Syd also meet Nick and Gina, who they end up befriending and hanging out with. But when Cliff goes all “native” and kills a wild goat for their camping dinner and Gina expertly butchers it, they get very paranoid that these two may be the killers.

A Perfect Getaway has lots of red herrings and suspense, though it’s relatively bloodless until the end. Although this is a very clever movie I just knew who the killer couple were within the first half hour. Well, maybe it’s because I’ve seen way too many movies. Nevertheless, David Twohy’s thriller is definitely worth checking out because it will probably keep you guessing until the third act.

Perfect Little Angels (2000)

In this made-for-cable movie, based upon the novel by Andrew Neiderman, a newly widowed woman (Cheryl Ladd) and her daughter move into an ‘ideal’ community, where everyone looks like members of the Republican Party. They all dress the same, they all talk the same. They meet the founder of the community, a psychiatrist (Michael York), who then gives them his special home-made vitamins to take. Well, the mother takes them and soon starts to change in behavior. The daughter is continually harassed by other kids of the community to be like them-and out of rebellion starts hanging out with the normal kids. She starts to date a guy in a red convertible-and this doesn’t sit well with any of the ‘droids’, as she calls them. On the day her mother is to be wed to the founder they realize that he’s controlling everyone through a combination of his mind-altering vitamins and radio waves, which he broadcasts from a huge tower on his property. Once they knock the tower down by crashing into it everyone returns to their normal selves. The police come and arrest the Doctor and everything is back to normal. This movie is a lot like Disturbing Behavior and The Stepford Wives, which in turn is like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Nothing new here and you know exactly what to expect.

Perfect Stranger (2007)

Halle Berry stars as a reporter who is out to get the corrupt, white businessman, this time focusing her attention on an advertising guy (Bruce Willis) after she fails to ‘out’ a Senator. A blonde friend of hers is murdered and dumped in the river and it’s possible Willis may be responsible. Or is it the newspaper guy who is helping her?. Or is it someone else? The movie keeps on throwing in Red Herrings but it’s obvious halfway through who the actual killer is. This movie is almost as bad as Gothika a big, dumb movie.

Perfect Strangers (2004)

Sam Neill picks up this woman from a bar and takes her to his boat, where he lives. She passes out from drinking too much and wakes up to find herself out on the ocean and on the way to his private island. She’s understandably leery about the situation but tries to go along with it.He shows her his hideaway and even makes a nice dinner for her. He also goes so far to say that he’s in love with her, even though they had just met. But after he strikes her she’s wanting to go home. She manages to lock him out of the house when he steps out but he starts an outside fire and smokes her out-and she ends up stabbing him with a kitchen knife. She frantically runs out to the beach where the boat is but the tide is out and the boat is beached. There’s no way she can leave. She goes back and, feeling guilty, tries to nurse him back to health, but the wound is too bad and he dies.She ends up putting his body in the large meat freezer. At this point she starts seeing his ghost-and they have many conversations. Her affection for him grows and she falls in love with him in the following weeks. Then, the island’s true owner, a local fisherman, comes to the house and sees that she’s crazy. He’s also had a thing for her so he puts up with her trying to shoot him. She tells him that she’s pregnant, yet she never had sex with the Sam Neill character when he was alive. Was she already pregnant from a previous man, is she impregnated by a ghost or is she just telling this to the fisherman to get his sympathy so he won’t call the authorities on her?You’re not sure if the woman has lost her mind or if she’s indeed seeing and communicating with the man’s ghost. A weird, unsettling movie.

Perkin’s 14 (2009)

In a small town it’s the anniversary of the first of a series of 14 kidnappings that were never solved, presumably done by a serial killer. A deputy, who lost his son Kyle, is still haunted by this, so when he comes across a suspicious suspect that’s actually being held in one of the jail cells he starts to form a theory. Unfortunately his theory is correct. This guy did kidnap a bunch of kids and has been keeping them in cages the past decade, making them into crazy and dangerous beasts. They are like rabid dogs, so that when they are released they start killing everyone in the town. The deputy, along with his wife and daughter, end up taking refuge in the police department and he must decide if he can try to help his deranged son or not.

This is a good idea and not a bad horror film but it is unpleasant, filled with tortured characters all around. Although the main guy is supposed to be sympathetic he still comes off like an a-hole, so you’re not exactly rooting for him. But maybe that’s the point.

Peter Benchley’s Creature (1998)

Craig T. Nelson is a scientist studying sharks in the Bahamas, leasing an island lab that was once used by the Navy during the time of the Vietnam war. At the start of the movie we see a flashback of that lab in late 60’s-and the escape of some type of monster the scientists had created. In the present, swimmers in the vicinity start disappearing-and it turns out to be this creature. At first it looks like a bulkier Great White Shark-then, at one point, reveals that it has limbs and can walk on land. On one hand the monster is cool looking, this bipedal shark-yet it also kept on reminding me of that 70’s cartoon Jabberjaw, so definitely left me with mixed feelings. Kim Catrall portrays Nelson’s wife, with whom he has a stormy relation. She has brought their son with them, so it introduces this estranged family element we’ve overseen in television movies. The crazy ex-Navy guy, who knows all about the creature, is a little irritating and over dramatic. This was a two-part movie, 4 hours in total, when it probably should have been half that. Still, this is an interesting monster movie.

Petrified (2006)

In this Charles Band movie, an FBI undercover guy infiltrates a group who is after the corpse of a mummified alien but the alien comes to life and starts killing people at a nearby institute which is studying nymphomaniacs. !!!!! As is expected, there is a lesbian scene, breasts and lots of killing. The way the alien kills is that his eyes glow red and the victim petrifies, like stone. As with The Gingerdead Man the story is simple and the sets limited. It is a cool looking mummy, though. I’m surprised he didn’t make it a midget mummy, as most of his movies deal with diminutive monsters...

Phantom Force (2004)

This is an amazingly non-involving movie from the Sci-Fi Channel, starring Richard Grieco as a government agent in charge of a group of specialists who investigate supernatural phenomenon. He has the special ability to see how someone has died, though he doesn’t like it much. Grieco, who seems to really disdain being in these Sci-Fi movies, plods through the convoluted story. The first few minutes of the movie show the crew of an ancient ship carrying this strange looking stone. Then light comes out of it and demonic warriors appear to slay the survivors. The ship explodes and the stone sinks to the bottom of the ocean. We then skip to present day-and it’s explained that this ‘Hades Stone’ has been recovered by a nuclear powered submarine. Only the sub in incommunicado and is firing its missiles on innocent ships. Grieco’s crew is sent in on these mini-subs, which they drive like The Jetsons, and board the sub. Only the submarine is a ghost-and transparent. In order for them to board one of the other crewmembers, a crazy scientist type, turns them all into ‘ecto-kinetic beings’ with this special generator he has devised. As soon as he does this the vessel appears normal to them. As they explore they find no trace of the original crew. But one by one they are being killed off by an invisible enemy, presumably the demon warriors we saw at the beginning of the movie. But my big question is this-if the crew are now ‘ecto-kinetic beings’ why can’t they see these demons since they are now existing in the same dimension?The whole submarine scenario is lame and utterly lacking any suspense. I think the only reason this submarine location was used is because it’s a prop/set left over from Deep Shock or some other Sci-Fi Original movie. Kind of like Roger Corman using and reusing the interior of an old ship in his movies. Anyway, the sub’s reactor starts overheating and it looks like the Hades Stone is using its power to open up a portal from hell (which I think would do little good on a moving submarine thousands of feet underwater!).I fell asleep the two times I tried to watch this movie. A lousy movie but a great insomnia cure...

Phantom from 10,000 Leagues, The (1955)

A lone fisherman, in a rowboat, is pulled under by a rubber suit monster. The next day the authorities, and a visiting marine biologist find his body and boat on the beach. One of them says “He’s burned and parts of the boat are charred, but there’s no sign of fire.” Well, yeah, he was in the water. It turns out that a scientist is doing experiments and transforms a Red Ear Slider turtle (never mind that these turtles are NOT salt-water) into a man-sized sea monster that generates radioactivity. The good scientist has lots of conversations with the local police detective on the same section of the beach. In the end, the monster’s creator feels responsible and goes out alone to blow it up. I was always curious about seeing this much heard of movie and now my curiosity is sated.

Phantom of the Opera (1943)

In this Universal adaptation of the story, Claude Rains portrays a Paris Opera violinist enfatuated by an up and coming opera singer. In fact, he has spent all his savings secretly paying for her tutor. When he’s dismissed from the opera because of an injury to his left hand, he tries to sell some music he composed-but believes they are trying to steal it from him. He gets in a fight with the owner of the music shop and ends up strangling him, but not before his assistant throws a pan of acid into his face. He runs away, shrieking, to seek refuge in the sewers beneath the city streets. In the following months strange things happen at the opera-food and objects are stolen-and murders start to happen. This is the least horrific version of Phantom, mostly concentrated on the musical numbers and the interactions between the lead woman and her two potential boyfriends. In the end the phantom’s mask is pulled off, to reveal some acid welts (nothing really scary) and he’s dispatched very quickly by the police inspector.

Phantom of the Opera (1990)

This version stars Charles Dance (The Golden Child, Alien 3) as the Phantom, Teri Polo (Meet the Fockers) as the love interest, and Burt Lancaster (The Island of Dr. Moreau) to lend support. It’s an impressive TV mini-series with great production value and a twist to the tale that’s very engaging. Rather than being burned in a fire Erik was born deformed, the result of a union between Lancaster and a woman who looked surprisingly like the singer the adult Phantom is now in love with.

For the first two hours, Erik is nothing but a benefactor to the would-be opera star. He becomes more violent only when his love is scorned. The smartest thing done in this movie is to never show the Phantom’s hideous visage (which the theatrical Phantom of the Opera, starring Robert Englund and released the same month as this movie aired, did do). In a climactic scene, when the singer begs him to show his face to her, saying she won’t be afraid, he unmasks—and she gags and faints. No makeup could do justice to her reaction. Although close to becoming “Phantom of the Soap Opera” at times, this is one of the best Phantom of the Opera movies, not for being the most frightening (that still goes to Lon Chaney), but for being memorable.

Phantom of the Opera (2000)

Dario Argento’s version of the tale is a beautifully shot, disturbing movie with Julian Sands (Warlock, Arachnophobia) cast in the role of the Phantom. Instead of being hideously deformed this Phantom is raised in the darkness by rats and because of this has the power to command these rodents and other creatures of the night. He also has superhuman strength and relishes killing humans in some truly gruesome ways. He tears one man in half, bites off a woman’s tongue, et cetera. Ultimately the special effects and photography are far better than the script or Asia Argento’s ‘acting’.

Phantom of the Rue Morgue (1954)

This is an interesting adaptation of the Edgar Allen Poe short story, The Murders in the Rue Morgue. Several women are brutally murdered and Inspector Bonnard is puzzled by this, as it seems the killer disappears into thin air. After all, how can he vanish out the window of a four story building? Then there’s creepy Dr. Dr Marais (Karl Malden), who works at the local zoo. It’s all too clear he’s somehow responsible—but it’s not him—it’s a trained gorilla doing the slayings.  Although the gorilla costume is great, it was an Orangutang in the original story. I don’t even think gorillas were “discovered” as a real animal until 1906—and this story takes place in the late 1800’s.

Phantoms (1998)

This adaptation of the Dean Koontz novel, the script also written by Koontz, starts off great. A young doctor, Jennifer Pailey (Joanna Going) brings her sister Lisa (Rose McGowan) to live with her in a small, mountain town. But when they get there they find the dead housekeeper and the rest of the town completely deserted. Freaked out, they go to the sheriff’s station and find a dead deputy. Where did all the people go?

They soon meet up with the sheriff Bryce Hammond (a too young looking Ben Affleck) and his two deputies, who are just as puzzled. They do find a clue however. In one of the houses there’s a message scrawled and a name, “Timothy Flyte”. The sheriff radios this in for more info and it turns out there’s a Dr. by this name (Peter O’Toole) and he knows something. The government flies him in, along with some soldiers, but the soldiers are all attacked by this weird, entity that can change shape, so in the end there’s only the four characters left.

There are some really good special effects, particularly the scene in which a giant moth eats off a guy’s (Liev Schrieber of Wolverine) face, but it’s not quite enough to make the movie all that interesting. The ending has way too much exposition, not to mention supposition by the characters, and lacks any real climax. We eventually do see this big, giant creature, yet the way we find out it’s defeated is when it takes the form of a small boy and the Sheriff defeats him. If you’re a fan of the book there’s really no reason to see this adaptation. The book is great. The movie is not.

Philadelphia Experiment, The  (2012)

Bill Gardener (Nicholas Lea of X-Files) is the lone survivor of the original Philadelphia Experiment from 1943, which was to create a cloaking device to make ship invisible. In the present, weird time disruptions begin happening. Gardener returns to his home and meets up with his granddaughter, Molly (Emily Ullerup of Sanctuary). There’s also shady government agents that want to keep this experiment secret.

This is an odd remake of the 1980’s movie.  Michael Pare, who was the lead in the original, is in this, though not to portray the character he established. Now, he’s the bad guy, Hagan. I mean, if you have Michael Pare in the movie why not just do a second sequel to the original? It’s stupid not to.

Phoenix, The (1981)

In the pilot movie archeologists discover a blonde haired man named Bennu (Judson Scott of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan) preserved in a thousand-year old tomb, who they believe to be a visitor from outer space. He escapes the lab and hitches a ride with a beautiful photographer, who helps him. He finds that the earth is now too toxic for him and that he needs to build a machine to help him, but needs half a million dollars for the equipment. He gets this by going to an illegal gambling den and winning.

He has certain powers— he can read minds and focus energy through this large gold medallion of a phoenix he has about his neck. When we first see this one of the doctors tries to take it from him but it won’t come off. He also gets his energy from the sun. Bennu says that he’s human but that he can utilize his inner powers and the feeling is that he’s actually an ancient human, not a space visitor. He’s a very low key character.

The first episode of the short-lived television series changes all this, clearly making him a spaceman (he tells one of the characters that where he’s from the sun is much stronger and that the medallion he wears about his neck is a sort of transformer—and that without it he will die. They also give him lots more powers....he can disintegrate a huge rolling boulder, levitate and explode a prison wall to escape. And he also has a goal—he has to find Mira, another one like him, who has the information as to what his purpose is. And let’s not forget his affinity with animals—he saves a box of cats in the last episode.

The government is after him and the person hot on his heels is Richard Lynch who doesn’t believe, at all, that Bennu has special powers. Well, if he believes that the guy is from outer space I don’t think it’s too far a stretch that he could have extraordinary abilities. So that was the goofiest part of this series, the disbelief by the main guy chasing after him.

The original The Fugitive Tv series and The Incredible Hulk do this “man on the run” scenario much better, though I say The Phoenix probably has much more in common with the wolf-boy show Lucan than anything else.

Pi (1998)

I’ve been putting off seeing Darren Aronofsky’s debut movie for a long while, mostly because there was so much hype about the movie when it was released-and, as we know, movies seldom live up to the hype. A mathematician works on uncovering a pattern/code to the stock market, as he believes everything on Earth has a pattern. He also pumps himself full of pills to control these spasms he has, and it only succeeds in making him more anxious and stressed out. He starts off as a paranoid individual and this phobia increases as the movie progresses. A group of Jews convince him to work on de-coding the Torah (he’s Jewish, also)-and their goal is to find out the name of God, which is represented in mathematics. Once this happens they’ll have a sort of gateway directly to him. Pi surprised me. It was engaging, creepy, and kept you guessing what was going to happen, even if it does have a somewhat simple resolution to the story line, that’s basically ‘Ignorance is bliss’.

Pinata: Survival Island (2002)

Sure, a killer Pinata movie has never been done before-but that’s not a good enough reason to make a movie about one!A group of irritating college kids go to their college owned island for this inane competition of finding underwear and accidently unleash the evil spirit from within an ancient indian made Pinata. It animates the clay Pinata, which looks like an evil devil gnome and kills them couple by couple. At first the monster looks cool-reminded me of the baby from It’s Alive—but when they start messing around with it and start using the lame computer animation, which is not frightening at all, the movie takes a big plunge in the wrong direction. From the first ten minutes of the movie you know who is going to live, how the creature is going to die and how the movie will end. So why watch it? I simply have to bash it.

Pinocchio’s Revenge (1997)

First, the only connection between this movie and Pinocchio is that the wooden puppet that comes to life was fashioned after the puppet in the tale. This story concerns one Vincent Gotto, on death row for presumably murdering his son five years before and the lawyer (Rosalind Allen) who tries appeal his verdict. After Gotto’s execution the puppet falls into the hands of the lawyer’s daughter and starts to influence her, though to any outsider it looks as if the child is talking to herself. There’s lots of problems with this movie—you don’t believe for an instant the actress is a lawyer, the story far too predictable, even to an eight year old—and the puppet resembles plastic rather than wood. He’s not a scary villain. Most surprising of all, this movie was directed by Kevin S. Tenney (Witchboard, Night of the Demons). I wonder who is pulling his strings...

Piranha 3D (2010)

There’s an earthquake below Arizona’s Lake Victoria and it opens a rift to an underground lake inhabited by thousands of vicious prehistoric piranha’s. Their first victim is an old man (Richard Dreyfus of Jaws) fishing. His rowboat is capsized because of the ensuing whirlpool and he’s partially devoured by the fish. His body is found by sheriff Julie Forester (Elisabeth Shue of Link, Hollow Man), whose inclination is to close the lake down while she investigates the cause of his demise. However, it’s Spring Break and the lake is overrun by thousands of teenagers. This is good for the piranha’s but very bad for the hundreds of eaten victims. This movie has some of the goriest deaths I’ve seen in quite a while, made even more gruesome by the effective 3-D. In fact, this is probably the best 3-D horror film to date. The main character of the movie is Forester’s son, Jake, who is coerced to being the local guide for a sleazy T & A video producer (Jerry O’Connell). The only reason he’s doing the job is because his would-be girlfriend is aboard. Their boat gets stranded on some rocks and slowly sinks while the piranhas circle. So it’s up to the sheriff and her companions to rescue them.

This intense, relentless remake delivers the goods on all levels. It is definitely one of the best horror flicks of 2010.

Piranhaconda (2011)

Executive Produced by Roger Corman and directed by Jim Wynorski, features yet another giant animal amalgamation on the rampage. This time Michael Madsen is a scientist who has found the nest of a strange snake mutation—and all of his expedition is killed, except for him. Then, most of the story is about a film crew making a low budget slasher film in the jungle—and they get eaten, one by one, by this giant yellow snake with all the teeth. There are some decent enough effects (far better than anything made by The Asylum!), but there are lots of skanky looking women and poorly written—and delivered—dialogue. PIRANHACONDA is just another notch on the “movies you don’t-really-want-to-see” list..

Plague (1979)

In this Canadian version of The Andromeda Strain (it even features one of the actors from that movie), a scientist creates a virus, called M3, which accelerates the growth of plants but is deadly to humans. She’s accidentely contaminated-and the virus is let free from the complex by a malfunctioning air system. It’s carried off by birds and soon people in the surrounding city start dropping like flies. The movie shows how quickly a virus can spread-and successfully conveys a sense of dread. The city is surrounded by National Guard, preventing anyone from leaving. In the end a cure is found but not before two of the scientists try an antidote of their own, which inadvertantly make them carriers of a deadlier virus. They are put in quarantine...indefinitely! Plague is a gripping movie, much better than the Dustin Hoffman vehicle Outbreak.

Plague Town (2008)

We’re definitely in The Hills Have Eyes territory here. It begins 14 years ago with a woman giving birth to a mutant. We don’t see what the child looks like, though the priest that shows up is about to shoot it. The father prevents this by killing him. In present day, an American family is visiting Ireland and they encounter this group of bloodthirsty mutant children. Most of them wear sacks over their heads, though there’s one particularly creepy girl that has these lidless eyes. Basically, it’s a gritty Village of the Damned.

I’ve seen so many horror movies like this that I can’t really recommend it (they all blur together) but there is an amazing scene in which a guy’s head is cut in half, through the eyes, with piano wire, that made me cringe.

Plague, The (2006)

One day every child on Earth, nine years old or younger, becomes catatonic. Then, ten years later, they all wake up-”in a very bad mood”, as one of the characters says.

The first half is one of the best “zombie” movies I’ve seen in years. It’s creepy, violent and uncompromising. Then, instead of escalating and coming to a satisfying conclusion, the movie veers in an entirely different direction and becomes somewhat vague with religious overtones and a heavy-handed “message” that simply doesn’t work.

It’s an interesting movie but not entirely satisfying.

Plaguers (2009)

The first few minutes shows a blonde woman being chased through a spaceship by some repulsive looking zombies/creatures. Then we go to eight hours earlier, where we learn that she’s the captain and that they had picked up some strange, green, alien energy source and are taking it back to Earth. Then, they get a distress call from another spaceship. They rescue a group of women whose goal is to take over their spaceship. And that glowing green alien ball shoots out some gunk on one of the women, transforming her into a “Demons”-like monster, with claws and pointy teeth. More people get infected and start to change into pseudo-zombies and continue to transform until they start looking like siblings to The Incredible Melting Man. Oh, and one of the ship’s crew turns out to be an android, just like in the Alien movies...

On one hand it’s quite a feat for such a low-budget production to construct all those sets, which look like that of an Alien movie. And the special makeup effects are decent, like out of a Roger Corman flick. However, the HD is far too crisp and clean when it needs to look gritty and the closeups of the sets look all too wooden. And plastic and styrofoamy. The worst thing, however, is the script and the acting....filled with unconvincing drama, stilted dialogue delivered by some amateurish actors. Yes, Steve Railsback (The Stuntman) is in the movie but you know you’re in trouble when all of the other actors make his performance seem like he’s Laurence Oliver. The movie left such a bad taste in my mouth I think I’ll call it Plaquers.

Planet 51 (2009)

An astronaut, Captain Chuck Baker (voice of Dwayne Johnson) lands on Planet 51 believing he’s the first to set food on it. But after he plants the American flag he looks around and sees he’s in the middle of the suburbs—alien suburbs complete with green aliens. The main alien characters are Lem (Justin Long) and the girl he’s interested in, Neera (Jessica Biel). They befriend the astronaut but the alien society is terrified this will be the onset of an invasion...

This is a fun spoof of alien invasion movies that pokes fun at everything from 50’s invasion movies to the cold war to Alien and Star Wars. I particularly like the alien dog, which looks just like a canine Alien that even urinates acid. Likewise, the rover module that acts like a dog is equally entertaining.

Planet Earth (1973)

In this Gene Roddenberry follow-up to Genesis II, John Saxon portrays Dylan Hunt, a man who was frozen in 1974 and awakened 150 years. He now is the leader of an exploratory team for a society called PAX, who want to restore civilization to the rest of the world. On one mission they are attacked by the Kreegs, lumpy headed mutants who utilize the old world industrial technology. These creatures drive around in ancient cars converted to run on burning wood. They injure one of the team-and the group rushes back to PAX. They come to the conclusion that the only way to save him is to find a reputed heart surgeon who disappeared a year before. They follow his trail and discover a city of amazonian women, who keep men as slaves.And that’s where the surgeon has been captive for the past year. The women keep reign over the men by drugging their food with a substance that makes them extremely fearful and subservient. When the Kreegs attack the amazons, demanding the secret of ‘making men into rabbits’, the Pax members fight, along with all the men in the town. Dylan Hunt had put an antidote in their food the night before so that they were no longer chicken-shit. The good guys win, the Amazons agree not to drug their men anymore and Pax has won over another society.

Planet Hulk (2010)

This is a decent adaptation of the Planet Hulk graphic novel, streamlining the book and making it accessible to those who haven’t read it. Earth’s heroes, led by Iron Man, rockets the Hulk to a distant, uninhabited planet because they deem him too dangerous to remain on Earth. But the Hulk damages the spacecraft and veers off course, so he’s sucked into a vortex and crash lands on the desolate planet Sakarr. He’s captured by these red humanoids, who are ruled by the Red King, and taken to the coliseum where he’s to battle for the city’s entertainment. He defeats one of the planet’s most fearsome creatures, this Godzilla-sized squid monster, which impresses the King.

In the pens, Hulk is introduced to the other slaves, who include Hiroim, a grey skinned humanoid, Lavin and Elloe, red skinned aliens deemed traitors, Korg, a rock-like creature and Miek, an insectoid creature. And then there’s Caiera, who is the Red King’s bodyguard. She protects him because she believes he’s the Sakarr-son, the savior of their planet, since he and his androids showed up just in time to stop the Spike War, which happened years before. The spikes are these spore-like creatures that infest your body and turn you into these spiky zombies. But when she learns that her king is anything but a savior, she switches sides and helps the Hulk, who seems to have finally found is place in a world.

There’s lots of fighting, multi-colored blood (depending on the alien) and it’s great to see a relatively intelligent Hulk who can speak instead of just screaming “Hulk smash!”. This movie is one of the better Marvel animated films.

Planet of Blood (1962)

In the future Earth gets a message from aliens in outer space. A probe lands-and it tells that their spaceship has crash landed on Mars. A team is put together, led by John Saxon, and they go to see if there are any survivors. The only one left alive is a woman, who has white hair and greenish skin. They don’t think of her as a threat, that is, until she kills one of the astronauts (Dennis Hopper) by drinking his blood. They tie her up but she’s still able to kill the doctor, using some type of hypnotism she does with her glowing green eyes. Now, the only ones left are Saxon and his girlfriend, the last crewman-and they have to survive until they get to Earth. They want to kill her but Earth command says that they are to bring her back so they can study her. But she’s not exactly what she seems-and she’s left a big surprise on the spaceship for them to find...

Although this does have some of the hokeyness of those 50’s space movies it is a creepy movie, in large part because of the performance of the actress who portrays the alien vampire. Written and directed by Curtis Harrington.

Planet of the Apes (1968)

A group of astronauts awaken from suspended animation in their spacecraft as it nears the star, Betelgeuse, they were scheduled to explore. What they don’t know is that it’s thousands of years in the future and that the planet below them is Earth. The capsule containing the woman crew member had cracked and she’s a skeleton. They crash land into a lake and the three male astronauts make it out alive, only to find a barren wasteland. When they finally come across vegetation they also see cavemen like people. They are then herded like animals by horseback riding gorillas that talk. The leader, George Taylor (Charlton Heston), is injured so he can’t talk. He’s captured and taken to Ape City, which look like stone Flintstone buildings. He’s befriended by a kindly chimp couple, Cornelius and Zira. When he’s finally able to talk it shocks the apes and the leader of the city, Dr. Zaius, an orangutan, wants Taylor destroyed. He knows of mankind’s violent history and doesn’t want it as a threat to apekind.

This is a very grim, serious movie, not at all like the oftentimes goofy remake. The story holds up well, as do the Oscar winning makeup effects. This is one of my favorite sci-fi films of all time.

Planet of the Apes (2001)

Tim Burton’s ‘re-imagining’ of The Planet of the Apes is a great success, due in large part to keeping it separate from the previous series. This time a single astronaut lands on an alien planet, thousands of years in his future, to discover intelligent apes as the rulers and humans as the slaves and hunted. It turns out that all are descended from the crashed space station he came from—and the apes were intelligent because they were being genetically altered to assist in dangerous space travel. In the thousands of years they continued to evolve. Rick Baker’s ape makeup is phenomenal, really enhancing the actor’s performances. Tim Roth’s Thade is a villain to be reckoned with. When the astronaut finally leaves the planet, having achieved peace between the two species, he goes back in time, to earth, to discover an unsettling surprise that is obviously the set-up for another movie. It is the same ending that Pierre Boulle had his his novel, upon which the movie is based. Least to say, I’m looking forward to more POTA movies in the years to come.

Planet Terror (2007)

Well, this is exactly one half of the Grindhouse double feature. Literally. It’s a great little zombie movie and is able to stand alone but I thought that with this dvd release they were going to restore the ‘missing reel’ that happens in the last quarter of the movie, when the zombies are attacking a barbecue restaurant. That’s the reason I rented this out to begin with, so I was disappointed. On the DVD extras, the part about director Robert Rodriguez casting his friend, his doctor and his real estate agent in the movie is funny. If you haven’t seen this or Death Proof then just wait for the dvd release of Grindhouse, when they’re both together. Check out my Grindhouse review because I don’t want to repeat myself.

Plenilunio (1983)

This Brazilian lensed werewolf movie is far better than any of the Howling sequels. A group of teenagers who work at a local television station discover who is killing people in their town. It’s a strange albino man who turns into a white lycanthrope when the moon is full. He eventually traps them in the TV studio building and tries to hunt them down, one by one. The script is fast moving, the characters likeable and a surprising degree of tension is created. The only complaint I have is that the werewolf, when we finally see him, looks like a pale version of the Soft Teddy Bear-with teeth!

Poltergeist: The Legacy Season One (1996)

Derek de Lint portrays supernatural investigator Derek Rayne, who is leader of the San Francisco branch of The Legacy. Helping him are Nick Boyle (Martin Cummins of Dark Angel), a former soldier, Alexandra Moreau (Robbi Chong), a social worker, Rachel Corrigan (Helen Shaver of The Believers), a psychiatrist, and a priest.

The first episode takes place in Ireland, where they are to recover an ancient artifact that contains a Fallen Angel. One of these creatures had killed Rayne’s father years before and he’s made it his mission to find every one of these creatures. It’s on this trip that we’re introduced to Rachel Corrigan, who is there with her daughter visiting her husband and son’s graves. They had been killed the year before. The creature itself is depicted as this skeletal creature. William Sadler (Roswell Tv series, Demon Knight) portrays an Irish antique dealer who is possessed by the demon.

Other episodes involve putting ghosts to rest, a curse from a witch and destroying a demon that has been cloned. The last episode of the season involves Rayne being on trial by leaders of the other Legacies-and serves as a flashback episode recapping the season. This show is an uneven mix, with some of the episodes rather dumb while others are genuinely creepy. The special effects are computer-generated, and being done in the late 90’s look rather primitive when compared to those from a decade later. The cast, however, works well together, particularly with de Lint as the all-too serious leader of the gang.

Polymorph (1996)

Definitely a letdown from his last two features, Ozone and Sandman, this tell the all too familiar tale of the alien meteor/ship that crash lands to earth with a mean little alien on board—which then goes about taking over people’s bodies. Throw in a coke addicted psychopath, a bunch of mafia types and a group of hormonal college kids (who are some of the worst actors I have ever seen) and you have a pretty boring ninety minutes on your hands.

Pontypool (2009)

I thought the first hour of this movie was great. Stephen McHattie (Whatever Happened to Rosemary’s Baby, 300) portrays grizzled radio host Grant Mazzy. He works at a small station in the town of Pontypool, Ontario. The only other people there is a technician and his female producer, Sydney, who he butts heads with.

That particular morning there is a heavy snowstorm and they think their main job will be to report the various school closings. However, they soon start getting reports of people having seizures and attacking people. They get a particularly chilling commentary by their weatherman who witnesses a crowd of these crazed people and a building exploding. He takes cover in a grain silo and reports what he sees— until he starts acting strange. It’s some kind of virus. This virus is spread by the English language and certain words trigger it. The technician becomes infected and Grant and Sydney lock themselves in the sound booth while she bashes her head against the glass. A doctor breaks into the station and he explains to them what is happening.

Then they figure that the only way to keep from getting the virus is to switch the meanings of words around. At this point the movie kind of lost me as I just couldn’t buy this virus being spread through the airwaves scenario. Yes, this is yet another variation on the pseudo-zombie scenario but it doesn’t quite work well enough.

Pool, The (2002)

Senior members of the International High School of Prague, all with different accents, from Spanish to German, decide to have a pool party. But to give it an edge they decide to break into this bar that has a huge, cavernous pool. There are many different pools, twists and tunnels, not to mention a giant water tube slide. Once there, one by one, people are killed by a slasher who wears a skull mask and wields a machete. It’s hinted that the killer could be different members of the group-but when it’s revealed it did surprise me, simply because it was so obvious. All of this is very familiar because it follows the tried-and-true slasher formula. And it’s also really silly when all these supposed high schoolers look like they are thirty-years old. What makes The Pool decent is some of the characterization, The gore and an above average sound track. So if you’re in the mood for what’s basically a rerun then take a dive into this movie.

Population 436 (2006)

Jeremy Sisto (Six Feet Under, Method), a recently widowed man who works for the Census Bureau, visits the small secluded town. This place is odd because it has had the exact same number of occupants for the past hundred and fifty years. Sisto becomes involved with one of the women, who wants her to take her with him when he leaves. But as he learns, no one can leave the town alive...

This is a suspenseful horror movie, along the lines of The Dark Secret of Harvest Home and Children of the Corn.

Poseidon (2006)

Although the original Irwin Allen The Poseidon Adventure is a better movie, this remake is still worth seeing. It does what a remake is supposed to do, take the original premise and make a different movie so it doesn’t seem like an inferior rerun (as with Van Sant’s Psycho remake). While the characters here aren’t as fleshed out there’s more than enough action and convincing special effects to make up for this lack of characterization. The pairing of Kurt Russell (Stargate, Vanilla Sky) as a former Mayor of New York and Josh Lucas (Hulk, When Strangers Appear) as a shady gambler works well. Although I recommend this remake I hope they don’t plan on remaking Beyond the Poseidon Adventure.

Possession (1981)

A shady business guy, Mark (Sam Neill), returns home to find that his wife Ann (Isabelle Adjani) is having an affair. He doesn’t want to let her go and acts erratic but she insists she needs time to sort things out. The couple also have a young boy, who is mostly ignored. She says she has stopped seeing the guy but he doesn’t quite believe her. So he confronts him and he insists he hasn’t seen her in months. She begins to disappear for days at a time. Where is she going? Is she seeing someone else? Mark hires a detective to follow her but what he finds out is startling, to say the least. He tracks her to an old, dilapidated apartment where he encounters a strange, slimy, tentacled creature. But it’s she who kills him. Then, things get even weirder...

This is an intense horror flick, with over-the-top performances. It’s an unsettling premise of a woman having an affair with a THING. I’ve never seen another movie quite like it.

Possession (2000)

This Showtime movie is based on the true story of the only Excorcism performed by the Catholic Church in the United States. Timothy Dalton (ex James Bond) portrays an alcoholic priest, who, because of his unorthodox behavior, is given the task of casting the demon out of a young boy. There’s moving furniture, writing that appears on the kid’s body, lots of swearing and, of course, a vomit scene—everything we’ve seen in possession movies before. Why the devil the studio thought people would want to see this movie is beyond me.

Possession (2010)

Jess (Sarah Michelle Gellar) has an ideal marriage with Ryan and they just celebrate their one-year anniversary. But Ryan’s ex-con brother, Roman, has been straying with them while he gets back on his feet and he scares Jess. Roman has anger issues and wishes he had a different life and is clearly jealous of his brother’s happiness. When Roman overhears that Jess wants him to leave, he takes off the next day and will be in violation of his parole is he goes out of State. So his brother goes after him, in the fog, and they get in an accident on the Golden Gate Bridge. Both brothers end up in comas, though it is Roman who awakens first. And he insists that he is Ryan. Slowly Jess is convinced that he is her husband, somehow returned in his brother’s body. Meanwhile, the body of her husband remains in a coma.

I liked how it kept me guessing and the movie makes you change your viewpoint a few times. However, there’s no clear-cut answer and assumes that you’ll assume what’s really going on. Also, there’s a great performance by Lee Pace (Pushing Daisies) who I didn’t even recognize for fifteen minutes. This body hopping tale will appeal to the audience of Ghost Whisperer and Medium—and, of course, any Buffy fan.

Post Impact (2004)

On the heels of the big budget epic, The Day After Tomorrow, comes this made-for-cable movie about the next ice age. Here, it’s produced by a comet which hits the Earth after an experimental laser fails to blast it out of the sky. Dean Cain (Lois & Clark, Maneater) is a government agent who was forced to leave his wife and young daughter behind-and now, three years later, agrees to head an expedition out into the tundra. The expedition, headed by a colonel, is trying to stop the people who have managed to get control of that laser weapon. Whoever it is keeps on blasting planes out of the sky. Cain, on the otherhand, is concerned with finding his lost family and seeing if they are still alive.The tank-like vehicles they travel in are cool as is this group of survivors who have managed to live inside the snow buried buildings. But there’s too much secret agent stuff that’s too implausible-and I’d rather have seen more of this frozen world. Post Impact is just an okay end of the world movie.

Potential Sins (1996)

This is a departure from Michael Legge’s earlier, more comedic work, a tale about a man so depressed about his birthday that he tries to kill himself by overdosing on sleeping pills. Add to this the fact that his wife is throwing him a surprise birthday and has invited all his friends, who secretly want to destroy him in one way or another, and you have one miserable individual. Although it does have its situational comedic moments, such as when the call-girl shows up at his house to find him unconscious, with the empty bottle of pills in his hand, the movie does leave you with a feeling of hopelessness for everyone involved. The main character doesn’t get rejuvenated about life—he’s just able to go on to the next day, as do all the other characters. When death comes knocking on his door, in the guise of an old drunk man, he tells him that the party’s over, and death agreeably leaves. There’s no life to take! Its low-budget status aside Potential Sins comes off like a cross between a Bergman movie and The Big Chill, with a touch of Kids in the Hall thrown in for good measure.

Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)

As with most Troma movies you have to take this one tongue-in-cheek, or rather beak-in-cheek, as it’s a parody of zombie movies.

The American Chicken Bunker, owned by a former member of the KKK, builds his newest franchise over Native American burial grounds. There’s also toxic waste, of course. When he offers free chicken to help quay the protestors that are always outside the building, the spirits begin mutating over the workers and customers, so there are all these really weird looking zombie chicken people. In one scene, where most of the action takes place, one of the chicken people rips off the face of another woman and starts eating it, saying “I know it’s fattening but I like the skin”. There’s also a truly gross-out scene in which an obese guy has a bad reaction to the food he ate. It actually made me sick and may be one of the most disgusting scenes in a horror movie, ever. The main character is Arbie, a nerd, who finds out that his girlfriend is really a lesbian, which is really just an excuse to have a few gratuitous lesbian scenes.

I really didn’t find this very entertaining, though I must say it is a completely different take on zombies.

Power, The (1968)

In this George Pal produced sci-fi movie George Hamilton is one of five scientists who are doing research on testing the limits of human endurance. When one of them performs an IQ test on the group he comes to the conclusion that one of them far more advanced than any other human on the Earth. They do another test to humor him— all of them sitting around a table trying to telekinetically move a pencil and paper-and it actually happens. When that particular scientist is killed all evidence points to Hamilton, to insists he doesn’t know what’s going on. And whoever did the murder is now after him, causing him to have these weird hallucinations (with stop-motion effects). The second half of the movie is basically your average man-on-the run scenario, I suppose to give the movie more action or something. I liked the first half of the film, though it lost its focus midway through. The end confrontation between the guys with telekinetic powers also reminded me of Scanners.

Powers of Matthew Star, The (1982-83)

A prince (Peter Barton) from the planet Quadros is sent to earth to develop his telepathic and telekinetic powers so that he can one day defeat the invaders that have taken over his planet. Since he appears human it’s easy for him to blend into the local high school population, as it is for his guardian (Lou Gossett Jr), who poses as the school’s science teacher. Pam Elliott (Amy Steel of Friday the 13th Part 2) is the love-interest. Every so often an alien—usually in human form—tries to kill him. The first season is typical fish-out-of-water stuff while in the second season young Matthew uses his powers to help the government (as is later done in Superboy Tv series). A similar premise was used in the Roswell series as well as the more recent movie I Am Number Four.

Predator Island (2005)

The intro credit sequence, which establishes the college-age characters taking a boat trip & also a meteor that is hurtling towards the Earth, is the best thing about this cliche-ridden movie. After the meteor hits the boatload of young adults is forced to land on a nearby light-house island where they are soon stalked by green covered aliens. Some of them are taken over and sport a green growth, others are just eaten a little. Why is it that these predators don’t eat a substantial amount of their prey? Of course, the keeper of the lighthouse turns out to be an ex-marine with demolition experience-and what do you know, he has some explosives there on the island. Also, when there are only a few survivors left they don’t want to leave. They, in typical American movie way, want to ‘Kill those bastards’. The very ending of the movie can be seen a mile away. You know you’re in trouble when the box art has quotes like ‘An absolute scream fest!’, ‘Rip your heart out Horror’ and ‘Unrivaled Terror’, yet these blurbs aren’t attributed to any review but made up by the distributor of the movie. I guess all those things would be true if you never saw a horror movie-take that back, a movie, before.

Predators (2010)

While I always thought the first Predator movie was the best I did enjoy Predator II and even the Predator vs. Aliens movies (the second one not so much). So when I heard that they were making a sequel that’s a direct followup to the very first flick I was intrigued with the possibilities.

The premise is that a bunch of killers, whether they be tribal warriors, mercenaries, Japanese Yakuza or serial killers, find themselves parachuted to a tropical wilderness, which they soon find out is another planet. The main one is Royce (Adrian Brody) who quickly assumes the leadership position. The only female is Isabelle and there’s also a doctor, Edwin, who seems out of place. All of the others, including Noland (Lawrence Fishburne), who had already been there for twenty years, are basically gory deaths waiting to happen. There are lots of chases, traps, and we even see the Predator’s equivalent of hunting dogs, which are nasty looking beasts. Basically, the movie is The Most Dangerous Game done for the thousandth time.

I liked the look of the movie, there is characterization with the actors and you actually give a crap about a few of them, but two things really irritated me. One, is why are the sent to the planet via parachutes? Why not just have all the human prey wake up on the ground? I just couldn’t picture these huge ferocious Predators taking the time to dress all these unconscious folk into the parachutes. The second thing is that they mess around with the nature of the Predators by having a few different species of them. For two seconds it’s cool but it messes around with all of the other movies and yes, continuity is important to me. Overall, I’d say this is along the lines of the other flicks, not nearly as good as the original but not a bad way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

Prehistoric Park (2006)

This new Animal Planet series crosses the time machine with Jurassic Park and Crocodile Hunter. In the premiere episode, we’re introduced to the park and its intention of bringing extinct creatures back from the past. They go for a Tyrannosaurus at first and end up bringing back two young ones after the mother is killed (and at the last minute, before the asteroids hit Earth 65 million years ago and kill them all off). The second episode they go after a Woolly Mammoth and end up also catching a Woolly Rhinoceros.

While the special effects are great and the producers went to great lengths to make it look believable, the premise of “saving them from extinction” doesn’t work. First, they’re already extinct-they’d be bringing them back from extinction. Also, they’d need numerous pairs of males and females to replenish the species, not just bring back one Woolly Mammoth or two sibling T-Rexes. And perhaps the biggest question is “Why are they doing this?” This is like a G rated Jurassic Park, exactly what it’s intended as.

Prehistoric Women (1967)

After his client wounds a jaguar, a game hunter named David decides to go after it to end its misery and finds himself in an area of the African jungle belonging to a tribe that worships the White Rhinoceros. Because he’s trespassing and making the spirits angry, he’s sentenced to death, but not before something really strange happens to him. As they are about to spear him in a cave, he touches the White Rhinoceros statue and is transported to a strange valley where white barbarian women rule. Their leader is the dark haired Kari (Martine Beswick of One Million Years B.C.), who is a tough leader. Her tribe of brunette amazons keeps the blonde women as slaves. They also keep the men chained up in a cave to do menial work—and to breed. David falls for a blonde named Saria and tries to help her. In the end, it all turns out to be some weird dream and ends with the African tribe that was going to kill him all happy and singing. Prehistoric Women is a very odd movie and I’m not quite sure what the producers intended.

Prehysteria  (1993)

First, the staples: There is a family, complete with obnoxious ten-year-old and his brainy sister, a widowed father, and of course, the family dog. As far as the story goes there’s an ancient tomb with dinosaur eggs, a stereotypical villain, and very little surprise, which brings us to the dinos themselves...

Although David Allen’s stop-motion effects are quite good the plot’s use of dinosaurs makes it a rather wasted effort. For the hackneyed reason that they were frozen for seventy-million years the saurians remain the size of house-hold pets. They also behave like cartoon characters in that they mischievously get into trouble and are extremely anthropomorphic. In one scene the tyrannosaurus actually dances to Rock and Roll music, which is—no, it is unbearable. These creatures are NOT dinosaurs.

In trying to emulate the G and PG movies from Walt Disney (which Charlie Band, the director, admits to in the “making of”) Moonbeam’s effort is blatantly unoriginal, which would be at least okay if the characters in the film were interesting. Yet the biggest problem of all is that Prehysteria is too childish for kids. From an original idea by Pete Von Sholly.

Premonition (2007)

Sandra Bullock sucks. And so does this movie. I had a premonition about it, before I put the dvd in the player, but is that really all that surprising?

Presence, The (2010)

There is no dialogue the first fifteen minutes of this film, which would have been fine if it was interesting, as in I Am Legend. During this time, we’re introduced to a mopey, pale-faced ghost of a young man who looks forlornly out of the windows of an old cabin. Then, a woman shows up (Mira Sorvino of Mimic), who is obviously staying there. It’s clear she cannot see the ghost.

Once the talking begins we find out that she’s taking some time off, needing to get away, so she has returned to her childhood vacation spot. However, this brings up all sorts of emotions about her sexually abusive father. And it doesn’t help that her fiance shows up, without warning, and proposes to her. She has mixed feelings but eventually agrees to marry him. Then, another ghost shows up, more of a demonic entity, who whispers things in her ear. She becomes more unstable. And this red-haired ghost begins corrupting the ghost that is already there, so that he’ll do something violent towards her or her boyfriend. While the revelation of the identity of the original ghost surprised me, my problem was the story and the way in which it was shot. There is no suspense whatsoever. It’s simply one long shot after the other. By the time she realizes there are ghosts messing with her, after seventy minutes, it’s “So what?”. It’s too little, too late.

President’s Day (2009)

Two high school students are having sex when a guy dressed up as Abraham Lincoln brutally kills them with an axe. Then the story goes to Lincoln High school, where student Barry Olson has a crush on the new girl, Joanna (who looks exactly like a young Pamela Franklin from Hell House). He runs for class president in order to get close to her, since she’s running as well. Their main competition for the title is Chelsea, the screechy popular girl. Meanwhile, a wheelchair bound student is slain in broad daylight by the masked serial killer. As she’s trying to drag herself up some steps he chops off her feet, though she can’t feel it. It’s sort like a blind guy getting his eyes gouged out in a Dario Argento movie. Just her bloody wheelchair is found.

The school’s assigned police officer confides in Barry that he found notes, signed “Office Kennedy”, in all of the missing students’ lockers. So Barry takes it up on himself to help figure out who the real killer is. Amidst the week of the student elections there are more gruesome killings, from a jock being killed with one of his trophies to a cheerleader getting her face pressed in a hair iron. And I really liked the scene with the teacher being beheaded by one of those big manual paper cutters. That is definitely an underutilized weapon in teen horror films and is such a natural classroom weapon.

President’s Day has good production values, actors who can actually act, and even George Stover. The students all look like they are actually high school students. There’s also lots of E.I. Cinema paraphernalia, though this movie is better than 95% of movies distributed by that particular company. I’m happy that the first independent horror flick I watched in 2010 is indeed a good one. Directed by Chris LaMartina (The Book of Lore, Witch’s Brew)

Prestige, The (2006)

Hugh Jackman (X-Men) and Christian Bale (Batman Begins) portray rival magacians in 1890’s London, who will go to any lengths—even murder—to have the greatest magic trick. Jackman blames Bale for the death of his wife (Piper Perabo of The Cave, Bullwinkle), who drowned in a tank when she was unable to untie the knot that bound her. So during one of Bale’s performances he disguises himself and shoots off two of his fingers during a magic “mishap”. This antagonism goes back and forth until it escalates to a final, surprising showdown where nothing is as it seems. It also answers the question “is there real magic?” Although I was able to figure out one of the character’s secrets from the beginning of the film, the other twists were surprising and pleasantly unexpected. Recommended.

Pretty Poison (1968)

Dennis Pitt (Anthony Perkins) is a mentally disturbed guy who is released from years of imprisonment. He becomes interested in a high school girl, Sue Ann Stepanek (Tuesday Weld) and invents a story of how he’s really a secret agent on a mission. He’s working at a local chemical plant but convinces her it’s simply his cover. But things go awry when it turns out she’s actually more crazy than he is, especially when he sees that she has no problem killing people. This is a great character study of two messed up characters. The unpredictable script is a lot of fun, considering the subject matter. Highly recommended, especially if you’re weary of the past twenty-years of lame serial killer movies.

Pretty Poison (1996)

This is a faithful remake of the original 1968 film that starred Anthony Perkins and Tuesday Weld. The main character, Dennis Pitt, portrayed here by Grant Show (Point Pleasant, Melrose Place) is a bit more of a pussy. They begin by showing him released from a mental institution and I think they meant to make him more sympathetic, but having Perkins in the original role made you think he was more unpredictable. Right after Dennis is released he gets a job at a chemical plant and approaches a high school cheerleader, Sue Ann Stepanek. He has an active fantasy life and tells her that he’s really a secret agent on a mission. She seems to believe him. But as events happen, which results in a few deaths, we realize that she’s smarter than she looks and was using him the whole time, to her own purposes. Given a choice between the two, you should just watch the original.

Prey (1978)

An alien spaceship lands in the English countryside and the werewolf-like creature assumes the identity of a young man he kills. Then, he finds his way to the house of a young woman and her house keeper, who are in a tentative lesbian relationship. But the young girl is also interested in men, much to her jealous lover’s dismay. She’ll do anything to keep her girl, even if that means killing this new mysterious man in their lives. She’s a bit surprised when she finds out he’s not exactly human. Prey (also known as Alien Prey) has an unsettling quality of dread about it and the ending is something out of a classic Twilight Zone episode. Directed by Norman J. Warren.

Prey (1998)

This short-lived television series was about a new species of human that has appeared on Earth and is trying to kill off the old species. Dr. Sloan Parker (Debra Messing) is at the forefront of this discover, along with friend and scientist Ed Tate (Vincent Ventresca of Invisible Man series). She’s supposed to be misled and perhaps even killed by Tom Daniels (Adam Storke of The Stand), a member of the new species, but he decides to turn sides and help the humans. There’s also the guy who is in charge of the project, Walter Attwood (Larry Drake of Dark Night of the Scarecrow, Dr. Giggles), who is secretly working for a branch of the US government.

The new species, dubbed Homo Dominant, can reproduce at age nine, has four uteruses, so if they appeared in the 1950’s then there could be as many as a 100,000 of them. They are also cloning themselves for some reason, which, unless they can fast-grow the clones, it would take as much work to raise them as a natural born person. The cloning episode didn’t make much sense to me. Also, the whole premise is on the “the strongest survive” theory of evolution (it’s a bit more complicated than that), posing that a new species appears with the desire to wipe out the old species, that it’s built in, when what generally happens is the new species has adapted better and the old one dies out. It’s a much more passive process that takes thousands and/or millions of years. Here, it’s condensed into a period of fifty years.

Their origin is in Mexico, yet all of them appear Caucasian in the first six episodes. Then, some African American looking people of the new species appear, which makes no sense (if they are the same species originating from the same small area, they’d resemble each other in terms of skin color, features, et cetera), until there’s an episode that makes it clear that if they mate with a normal human female that the child will be a member of the new species. In fact, the episode Progeny, which deals with this, is one of the best stories of the series.

A sort of a lame, if inevitable story, is Tom Daniels volunteering for an experiment that would turn his DNA to human DNA— and he’s able to feel human emotions and gets all mushy/feely, especially towards Sloan, which goes along with that cliche that only humans have emotions and can feel things (If you’re a pet owner you know the truth).

I really wanted to like this series more than I did but it’s sloppy sci-fi writing at best filled with naive ideas.

Prey (2007)

An engineer, Tom Newman (Peter Weller of Robocop, Of Unknown Origin) working for a short-time in Africa on a dam, takes his two kids and his second wife (Bridgit Moynahan of Unknown, I Robot) with him so that they can all bond. When he’s out working they go on a picture Safari. The boy has to take a pee, so the ranger goes out with him - and he gets attacked and killed by a hungry lion. Unfortunately, he has the keys, so the three of them are trapped in the jeep until help comes. They’ve gone off road, so there’s a lot of ground to cover. There’s also several lions who are keeping an eye on the vehicle. This is not as intense as Cujo but the movie has good acting, good scenery and the lion effects are convincing. Prey doesn’t make you first in line to go on a Safari in Africa.

Prey for the Beast (2008)

This is a fine throwback movie to the 50’s and 60’s, in which a group of people out in the woods are attacked by a creature for no apparent reason other than it’s pissed off and hungry. One half of the group consists of men on a long planned camping trip, the other half are a group of women they run into. One by one they are killed off. At first I thought this was going to be another low budget Bigfoot movie but was pleasantly surprised when it turned out to be something entirely different. The monster is cool looking, particularly when it’s running, but the more I watched it resembled more and more of a Teenage Mutant Ninja turtle crossed with a Rhino. Still, as men-in-suit monsters go, it succeeds. Written and directed by Brett Kelly, who also stars as one of the characters.

Priest (2011)

In the opening scene we see a group of Priests, special warriors who fight vampires, invade a vampire hive. They realize it’s a trap and one of them is dragged off by the vampires. Then, during the animated title sequence, it’s explained how mankind and vampires have always been at war—and that the last war almost destroyed the world. Now, the majority of humans live in huge, gated cities, and the vampires are believed to be on reservations.

When the Priest (Paul Bettany) learns that his brother’s family was attached out in the fringes and his niece kidnapped he decides to go against the Church and rescue her. And, of course, kill lots of vampires. These vampires a different than in most movies, pretty much their own creature. They are gray, hairless, animalistic and eyeless. Their mouths are more like that of lamprey eels than anything else. There are humans called “familiars”, who are partially contaminated by the vampires, and they all look like Nosferatu, with the yellow eyes, white skin and bald heads. The Priest learns that these vampires are now being led by a new type of creature, “Black Hat”. He’s the first human vampire, ever, created by the vampire queen. After he was captured in that first scene she forced him to drink her blood. Now, he’s more powerful than any vampire or Priest. He had kidnapped the niece because he wants his old friend to join him in taking over the world. A new vampire army has been born and they’ve taken over a high speed train that connects the cities. The humans will not know what hit them.

I was surprised how much I enjoyed this flick. From the previews I thought I’d be watching a “video game” like Sucker Punch. Instead, I got a highly entertaining, fast-paced vampire futuristic western. Think The Road Warrior crossed with Resident Evil and you’ll get the idea. Recommended.

Primal (2010)

The opening scene takes place thousands of years ago, in Australia, with an aborigine in the midst of a cave painting. He’s viciously attacked and killed by something that’s vaguely human. Then, through time lapse of this painting, we end up on present day, where a group of college kids are on an expedition to seek out this ancient work of art.

But weird stuff begins to happen. A vicious animal attacks—which turns out to be a mutant rabbit with predator teeth. And when one of the friends goes swimming in a nearby pond she comes out covered in leeches. They contaminate her with something that’s in the water—and she begins to transform into a monster. She gets stronger—and grows vicious teeth like that Zuni Doll from Trilogy of Terror. A kangaroo is ripped apart. Although this has the typical horror scenario of a group of friends going out in the woods and getting picked off one by one, there are plenty of surprises, particularly the ending, which veers off into H.P. Lovecraft territory. Recommended

Primal Rage (1988)

Bo Svenson stars as Professor Etheridge , who teaches at a Florida University and has developed a synthetic protein which may indeed repair damaged brain cell tissue. We see him experimenting on a baboon at the beginning (a very fake looking animatronic baboon) and this primate escapes when a college student breaks into the lab and inadvertently frees him from his cage. But not before he bites the guy, which has dire consequences. That new protein is now coursing through his veins and soon he’ll become a raging beast. Sam Nash (actor Patrick Lowe), another student who happens to be this guy’s roommate, turns out to be the hero of the flick. Primal Rage kind of reminds me of a bad version of Cronenberg’s Rabid. With special effects by Carlo Rambaldi (King Kong 1976). Directed by Vittorio Rambaldi

Primer (2005)

Perhaps the most boring time-travel movie I’ve ever seen. Two engineers, who always are wearing white shirts and ties no matter what time of day, invent a device that is able to take them back in time. The majority of the time is spent experimenting by going a day back in time and not really doing anything interesting other than betting on the stock market. The movie gets a hair more involving when they decide to stop a guy who shows up at a party with a shotgun. Primer is a yawner.

Primeval (2007)

I went into this movie knowing it was a Killer Crocodile movie, despite it being advertised as a serial killer movie. But it’s something altogether different, more of a political/save the people in Africa movie more than anything else (which would be fine, if it wasn’t advertised as a horror movie). It’s also one of those movies that begin with the statement “Inspired by True Events.” EVERY STORY IS INSPIRED BY TRUE EVENTS!!

Cumulatively I bet the crocodile is seen a total of five minutes within the 90 minutes. Granted, these effects are great and it’s probably the best-looking giant crocodile I’ve seen in a movie. But that leaves 85 minutes that’s basically filler, with stereotypical, flat characters and a “message” that was probably pitched as “high concept” when it was in development. This message is that the killer crocodile represents man but there’s no way to stop it-and ourselves-from killing. Blah blah blah...

In the end, the two white American survivors of the group end up bringing a stray dog and a stray African boy back to America. I even thought this was offensive. If you want to see a killer reptile movie watch Killer Crocodile 1 & 2 or even Lake Placid.

Primeval: Season One (2006)

Evolutionary Zoologist Nick Cutter, along with student Connor Temple and lab technician Stephen Hart, go to investigate strange animal sightings in the Forest of Dean (UK). They’re surprised to find a Scutosaurus, a creature from 250 million years ago. And there’s lso a Gorgonopsid, a large predator. What’s making it possible for these creatures to be in the present is a sort of time-gate or Anomaly, a “rip in time”.

This forest is also where Nick Cutter’s wife, Helen, disappeared eight years before, her body never found. But she’s still alive, and has been traveling in time. Also involved is Claudia Brown, a civil servant, who works for Sir James Lester, who wants to keep these anomalies secret from the public. So a team is established, consisting of Cutter, Connor, Hart and Abby Maitland, a reptile expert.

In the first season they encounter giant spiders and centipedes, a group of Dodo birds carrying a deadly parasite, a Pteranodon who may be killing golfers on a golf course and a creature that isn’t from the past at all but the future, a large ape-like creature descended from bats. Helen Cutter also makes her intentions clear— she reveals that she had an affair with Cutter’s friend, Stephen Hart, and that she’s in this for herself. In the last episode she escapes custody and disappears into one of the anomalies and when Cutter returns he finds out that time has been altered because Claudia Brown, his love-interest, no longer exists. No one remembers her except him.

This is a fun, exciting series with some cool monsters.

Primeval: Season Two (2007)

Season Two starts with Nick Cutter freaking out that the time-line has been changed and no one believes him that this has happened. Also, the organization he works for his now huge, with a large staff. A publicist is hired to help cover up any monster sightings and the person hired is Jenny Lewis, a dead-ringer for Claudia Brown. She looks the same but her personality is totally different and Nick has very mixed feelings for her.

The season features giant worms appearing in a building, an Imperial Mammoth that has appeared in the middle of a freeway, giant sand scorpions, and a seal-like creature from the future that may be descended from mankind. The vicious bat-apes from the future also return. Chemistry starts between Connor and Abby, especially when Connor starts dating a new girl. Helen returns, with shorter hair and a Mad Max-like outfit, and she infiltrates the government organization. She wants to intentionally change time again and if she can’t convince her husband Nick she’ll take Stephen Hart. In fact, Hart starts to believe her tall tales and ends up making the ultimate sacrifice to save his friends. The episode ends with Helen surrounded by many versions of one of her lackey’s, who was killed in an earlier episode, which suggests there are many different realities out there. So does this mean that for Nick Cutter time has been changed or that he’s simply in a different reality than Season One?

Season two is more action oriented than the first season and poses even more questions for Season Three.

Primeval: Season Three (2009)

The third season of Primeval is disappointing, primarily because it gets rid of two of its more interesting characters. There is also much more emphasis on the future monsters, such as the bat-apes and these huge ant-like predators.

In the first episode an anomaly appears in the middle of an Egyptian exhibit in a British Museum, releasing a crocodile-like creature that was worshipped long ago as “The Eater of Souls”. Sarah Page (Laila Rouass), a museum curator, ends up joining the ARC and becoming a team-member this season.

Then, Jenny Lewis (Lucy Brown) decides to quit the organization, as she’s having an identity crisis of sorts. And most surprising of all, team leader Nick Cutter (Douglas Hensall) is killed by ex-wife and series villain Helen Cutter. She thinks she’ll prevent a future disaster if he no longer exists. However, she discovers she is wrong and then decides to take a more extreme measure in preventing humanity from destroying the planet.

Danny Quinn, who is introduced in an episode involving a “Gremlin”, a creature that is about the size of a person and can camouflage itself, becomes the team’s leader after the death of Cutter. He’s much more action-oriented—and one-dimensional.

Prehistoric creatures that appear in other episodes are Gigantosaurus, a pack of carnivorous ground birds, a herd of rhinoceras-like emobolotherium. One of the more interesting is a dragon-looking dinosaur that is being pursued by a Knight from the middle ages, which is the first time we see a human from another time-period.

The last few episodes involve a far-future, which is inhabited by vicious predators. There is another time-gate there, which Helen Cutter uses to go back to mankind’s early history, where she plans on killing her ancestors, thus preventing the evolution of mankind. However, team-mates Abby and Connor get stuck in the Cretacious, surrounded by Raptors, and Danny Quinn, though he manages to finally deal with Helen Cutter, gets stuck a few million years ago.

Primeval: Season Four (2010)

Begins with Connor and Abby trapped in the Cretaceous for a year, after they were trapped there in the finale of Season Three. They find a time-travel gate opener in the nest of a raptor and make it back to the present day. However, they find that the facility they worked for has hugely expanded and has been taken over by a private funder, Philip Burton (Alexander Siddig of Deep Space Nine). A new main character is Matt Anderson, whose job is to either kill or capture the out-of-time animals. He meets in secret with an old, wheel-chair bound man to report what’s going on at the facility. We don’t find out what this is about until the end of the season...

In the first episode Connor and Abby bring back a Spinosaurus from the Cretaceous. In the second episode there’s a flashback to “five years ago” in which an anomaly appears in a woman’s apartment and she finds a small crocodile-like creature. She flushes it down the toilet and it grows into a fifteen foot creature that’s been devouring homeless people ever since. Then, there’s a group of time travelers from the mid-1800’s. This includes Ethan and Emily. They have fled to our present from a prehistoric past where there are arboreal raptors. Other creatures in episodes involve a giant prehistoric salamander that’s taken refuge in a seaside cave, a pack of ferocious mammal-like reptiles that have taken over a school and a pack of Hyenadonts, which look like a cross between a dog and a bear (its the ancestor of both animals). In this particular episode Jenny Lewis (Seasons 1-3) makes a return and she has a different life and is getting married. Also, Danny Quinn, who was a main character in Season Three, and who went back in time to stop the evil Helen Cutter from destroying mankind’s ancestors, returns. He’s been trapped millions of years ago fighting off prehistoric carnivorous birds. And it turns out that Ethan, the serial killer they are all looking for, is his brother, who vanished when he was twelve years old and has been searching for ever since. The time-traveling has messed Ethan up, to say the least. It turns out the old man who Matt meets with is his own father. It’s revealed they are from a future where the entire surface of the world is dead, sterile, and that humans live underground.

This is the most disappointing season as the budget cuts are obvious. And there are only seven episodes. Ninety- percent of the creatures move in exactly the same manner and fit the same body type— lizard-like, long torsos and tail, on all fours, which means they are using the same animation template. I miss the wide variety of creature types, particularly all the weird future animals which don’t make any appearance in this season. Hopefully Season Five will be an improvement...

Primeval: Season Five (2011)

Season five continues the story from season four and more than makes up for that season’s lack of budget/creatures. Genius Connor Temple (Andrew Lee Potts) continues to work for Philip Burton (Alexander Siddig of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) on a secret project. It turns out that this is to create a giant time anomaly that will create a source of free power for the world. Yet it’s revealed that Burton is a colleague of the late Helen Cutter, who was the Ark’s arch-enemy the first three seasons of the show. So, can he be trusted?

Matt Anderson, the newest member of the group, reveals to Abby Maitland (Connor’s girlfriend) that he’s from far in the future and that he’s on a mission to stop Philip experiment. And he shows her that Connor is responsible for the future earth being a barren wasteland. So it’s basically Conor/Burton vs. Anderson/Maitland for this season. Matt also manages to rescue his love-interest, Emily Merchant, from the past to which she has returned in the previous season. He discovers that her husband commits her to an insane asylum because of her unlikely story of traveling to the future.

Monsters this season include giant carnivorous beetles, a primitive crocodilian, raptors, a giant mososaur that attacks the crew aboard a submarine, and a return of those weird humanoid bat-creatures that live in Matt’s future. I’d say this last season is as gripping as the first two. Best of all, it explains what the anomalies are and why they are a necessary part of nature. I’m not sure if there are going to be any more seasons of this show but the last episode stands as a good conclusion to the series.

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010)

Is this based on a video game? If so, it’s far better than any Uwe Bolle adaptation.

Dastan (Jake Gyllenhaal) is the adopted son of the King. He had been a street urchin and a thief as a child. Years later, he’s caught up in a conspiracy. His father is killed he’s framed for it. Now a fugitive, he has to prove his innocence and uncover who the true villain is. He also feels somewhat guilty about leading the invasion force on Princess Tamina’s (Gemma Arterton of Clash of the Titans) kingdom—and ends up protecting her. Oh, there’s also vial of magical sand that can reverse time, which comes in handy, especially at the end of the movie.

Although I still equate Gyllenhaal with Bubble Boy, he does a decent enough job as the adventurous character. If you enjoy movies like 300, Conan or TV series like Rome you’ll definitely like this amalgamation.

Princess Mononoke (2000)

This PG-13 Japanese animated feature isn’t a kiddie movie, having more in common with Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon than it does Pokemon. In ancient times the forests were ruled by huge animal gods and humans are trying to take over their lands for their own purposes. After a warrior kills a monstrous boar his hand becomes infected with the same demon which possessed the boar-and soon his limb starts having a mind of its own. In search of a cure, he travels across the land and comes to a town where the humans are mining iron for weapons. The woman who runs the place is rather ruthless and she’s determined to kill the wolves that live nearby. Living with the wolves is Princess Mononoke, who behaves feral and rides the huge lupines. She’s determined to prevent humans from destroying the forests and repeatedly says how much she hates humans. She and the warrior become friends-and in the end have to defeat the angry, infected spirit of the forest before it kills everyone. There are lots of limbs flying and blood spurting in this movie. The only thing I thought rather distracting were the dubbed in voices of Billy Bob Thornton, Minny Driver, Claire Danes and Jada Pinkett Smith, as there wasn’t any need to use Hollywood actors to dub the character’s voices.

Princess of Mars (2009)

Not only will author Edgar Rice Burroughs be turning in his grave about this lame adaptation of his Classic novel, he’ll be doing backflips. It is truly pathetic. Here, John Carter (Antonio Sabato, Jr), is a lone Special Ops soldier working in the Middle East when he’s injured and his mind transported to Mars, which still looks exactly like the landscape when he was in the Middle East. He encounters the tusked Tharks, which are guys in badly made rubber masks. They also have only two arms, not four. The worst of all is the Princess, who is the horribly miscast Tracy Lords, who is twenty-years too old for the part (she’s getting the turkey neck) and blonde.

The only thing this movie has in common with the book are some of the names and that it takes place on Mars. To make it even more ludicrous, the dvd cover box art says “The Classic story that inspired James Cameron’s Avatar”. It’s like me randomly putting this info on virtually any movie—this has nothing whatsoever to do with Avatar, much less Burrough’s A Princess of Mars. Sheesh!

Prisoner, The (2009)

This is a six-episode remake that A & E did of the original British show. In Arrival it begins with Number Six waking up in the middle of a barren, mountainous desert and witnessing the pursuit of an old guy. He rescues the old guy, hides him in a cave but he dies. Then, he walks and finds himself in The Village, where everything is literally labelled. He waves down the only cab and asks the guy to take him out of the village but he says he just does local pickups. He passes out that night, then awakens to find himself in a hospital. There he meets a woman doctor, 505, who becomes his friend.

There are flashbacks to his real life, in which he meets a woman and takes her back to his apartment. It’s alluded to that his job, which was monitoring communications, has something to do with his present predicament. In the end, he tries to escape again in the desert but this huge white ball comes over a hill and stops him. There’s also Number 2 (Ian McKellan), who seems to be the ruler of The Village. Everyone is afraid of this guy, even his own son.

In the second episode, Harmony, some guy tries to convince him that he’s his brother and even introduces him to his family. He’s also taken back to his old job, which is driving a tour bus. Then, one day, as they are driving through the desert, he sees something in the desert and it turns out to be a huge, rusted out ship anchor. Which means that they are somewhere near the ocean. His “brother” finally reveals that he’s not really his brother. They find the ocean, but that white ball shows up again in the waves and drowns the guy. In the third episode he’s recruited by Number 2 to spy on a teacher and he does this mostly to gain more information about The Village. We find out that people who are not behaving as they should are reconditioned down in the tunnels—and when the woman doctor is taken down there he follows to rescue her. Again, the white ball shows up and this time it seems to absorb people.

In the second half of the mini-series he’s reintroduced to a woman he had a one night stand with in the “real” world, right before he appeared in the Village. In fact, they almost get married because they are making him fall in love with her. Then, he and Number Two seem to go crazy in Schizoid, and he gets closer to the truth of why he’s here. There’s lots of editing, flashbacks, scenes that seem like dreams, but this remake simply doesn’t provoke the same feeling as the original show. Unsatisfying and utterly needless remakes are the words.

Profit (1996)

Jim Profit (Adrian Pasdar of Heroes) is a young businessman all set to work at his new job at a multinational company. As we quickly learn he has an agenda, which involves climbing to the top, not matter who he destroys. Of course, he has the help of his secretary, who has embezzled money to help care for her crippled mother, and he’s able to blackmail others as well. He even manages to frame the vice-president of the company for murder. The one person who is on to him is the head of company security, Joanne Meltzer (Lisa Zane of Freddy’s Dead).Information is revealed when Jim’s step-mother, Bobbi Stakoswki (Lisa Blount of Prince of Darkness), shows up. He had tried to kill his father by burning him alive—and had disappeared and assumed a new identity. Now, he wants to find out where his father is so he can finish the job. As a kid he was horribly mistreated and kept in a cardboard box, like an animal. In fact, when we see his secret room in his apartment—he sleeps naked in a similar box.

This odd television series is definitely influenced by American Psycho, though he’s not so blatant in his craziness. It is a fascinating look at a sociopath. Profit is a disturbing series that starts off strong but becomes too convoluted after the fifth episode.

Project UFO (1978)

I have a soft spot for this TV show from the late 70’s. It begins with an authoritarian voice-over that convinces you that UFO’s are real, and explains that the subsequent story is based on fact of the government’s Project Bluebook, which investigated UFO sightings. The show itself focuses on the two air force investigators, Major Jake Gatlin and Lieutenant Harry Fitz, and what they find. The sightings are first told from the witnesses’ perspectives then the “real” explanation is shown.

In the first episode, The Washington Incident, a UFO is spotted over the Capitol. Several jets are dispatched and one of them crashes. There’s narration by producer Jack Webb (Dragnet) and it’s much more hard-nosed than subsequent episodes. In the next show, Joshua Flats, they encounter an entire town, led by some bullies, which is lying about a recent UFO sighting. When the photo one of the guys took is proved fake it seems like it’s solved. But a young Mexican boy explains that the encounter happened weeks earlier and that he was the only one who saw the spacecraft, which landed in the daytime. A humanoid looking alien comes out, dressed in white with a black visor—and when the visor rises we see this oversized human mouth. It speaks English but in many different voices, explaining he’s simply there to observe. In The Fremont Incident there’s a sighting by a black police officer in a small town. No one believes him and it threatens his job on the force. Gatlin, who had been working Project Bluebook for five years, recounts his own sighting with a UFO, which was also witnessed by four others. This flashback sequence mixes stock footage of his aircraft with the model of a flying saucer. In Rock and a Hard Place a UFO is sighted by the customers of a skytop restaurant, including the two air force pilots. It turns out to be the work of a helicopter pilot trying to drum up business for his failing company. In Believe it or Not they investigate an engineer who witnesses a spacecraft not once but twice in the desert. The UFO is very long and rectangular and speaks to him. He confides to the investigators that the aliens want him to tell humanity that they have to fix the planet’s atmosphere or that they will invade sooner. They come to the conclusion that he probably saw the reflection of a nearby train in the clouds. But this is put in doubt when they interview an unrelated witness who saw the exact same ship. This episode has some of the worst “day for night” shots I have ever seen. It’s terrible! In another episode two commercial airplane pilots see a spaceship and narrowly miss running into it on a flight. They are interviewed separately and tell the same exact story, that they saw a boomerang shaped craft. Then the Project Bluebook guys go off to Wyoming where a guy running for office in a small town insists that a saucer zapped him and burnt the paint off of his car. In one investigation a man wants to sue the airforce because he thinks they are responsible for shooting down a UFO, part of which crashed through is house. It turns out to be a meteor.

In the second season Major Gatlin is replaced by Captain Ben Ryan (Edward Winter, who had portrayed one of the airplane pilot witnessses in season one). He’s much more hard nosed and it takes a few episodes for Harry Fitz to warm up to him. As with the first season the majority of these episodes involve people’s reputations,such as that of a junior high school teacher in Scoutmaster, who witnessed a UFO—and the local paper is going to mention that the man was treated for mental problems at a VA hospital if his story isn’t authenticated by someone else. In Whitman Tower it’s the residents of a skyscraper that witness and alien craft outside their windows. In Atlantic Queen it’s people on a ship who not only see a saucer but an alien humanoid. It’s all neatly explained at the end...until a little girl divulges what she saw.

Project UFO definitely doesn’t hold up by today’s standards, with the plastic looking miniatures and rough blue-screen effects, yet it’s entertaining in a retro way.

Project Viper (2002)

This made for Sci-Fi Channel movie, starring Theresa Russell, is one of the worst features they’ve aired. An experiment (a blending of animal and computer) on a shuttle goes haywire and it kills all the crew. At the same time someone steals the same creature, which is kept on a lab on earth. It, of course, escapes and starts killing people. It’s a badly computer-animated squid-thing. Everything else is typical, typical, typical. Could be renamed Biohazard 2!

Prom Night (2008)

On one hand this makes up for the recent remakes of April Fool’s Day and Day of the Dead. On the other hand it’s unnecessary, especially with a PG-13 rating. The direction, script and actors are good and there’s enough characterization so that you actually don’t want them to die. It’s also very linear, clearly establishing why this psycho is obsessed with this young woman and why he crashes her senior prom. The psycho kills everyone because that’s the thing he does and actor Johnathon Schaech’s performance is one of the best things about the film. The killings, while brutal and intense, are primarily off screen and everyone is killed the same way, with a wicked looking knife. There’s also the role of the athletics teacher, which would have been a great cameo for Jamie Lee Curtis.

Prometheus (2012)

What I liked about Prometheus: The first half. What I didn’t like: The Second Half.

Ridley Scott’s return to the Alien universe fills in a lot of the information left unexplained in that first movie, such as revealing who the “Navigators” are (first seen as that giant, fossilized looking alien amongst the eggs) and implying what their agenda is. It makes sense WHAT the Aliens are in all those movies and why they can so easily change shape, depending on the host. The movie is also visually consistent with the Alien (and Alien vs. Predator) movies. However, not enough time is devoted to the main characters, particularly the scientist couple who instigate the whole space trip to begin with, so that when something happens to them you really don’t care. It does make the android “David” one of the more interesting characters. One thing that bugged me is the casting of Guy Pearce as Weyland (the funder of the expedition) when I kept on thinking it should have been Lance Henriksen, as he was in three of the franchise movies. There’s also some truly unbelievable scenes, as when the main character gives herself an cesarian (they don’t use the word abortion) to get rid of a creature growing in her womb. And when we see what it looks like—it’s the spitting image of Gamera’s Viras.

Also, there’s too much “faith” and “religion” tauted about amongst the characters. When the scientists discover that the humans were made by these aliens she firmly clasps her cross when someone asks her if she still needs that. “But who made them?” she says, believing with all her might. But I’m sure this will appeal to 90% of America—and that’s why they put this goofiness in.

I left this much-tauted movie thinking it was visually stunning but irritated that it seemed like a rerun—and that it blatantly left it wide open for a sequel—and not an Alien sequel. If you’re a completist you probably have to see this but if you’re expecting something new and exciting for the Sci-fi film genre then don’t visit here.

Prophecy 4: Uprising (2005)

I thought this better than the first two sequels, as it’s not as formulaic, and is more in the spirit of the first installment. Rather than there being the fallen angel Gabriel, there is an angel named “John”, who may be good or bad. The villain is the demon Belial, “Demon of the Flesh”, who is able to body hop from one human to the next. He is trying to get the book of Revelations-which go beyond that of which is written in the bible. Whoever controls this book will control everything. The humans involved are a Romanian cop, who had given up his parents to the secret police twenty-five years before, and a woman (Kari Wuhrer), who turns out to be his sister, who was spared the parents death. The sister has the book in her possession and the others try to find her. The movie has a good, satisfying ending, not entirely what is expected. It’s also good to see Doug Bradley in a role besides that of Pinhead. I look forward to seeing more Prophecy movies.

Prowl (2010)

An eighteen year old Amber (Courtney Hope) desperately wants to move away from her small town. But the lease to her new apartment may go to someone else unless she puts down the payment within twenty hours. So a group of her friends drive her there, only the car craps out. They do get a ride from a seemingly nice truck driver who is going in that direction. However, he takes them to an old warehouse. What’s there? Creatures, like vampires, that prey on humans. And the friends are hunted down one by one until there’s only one left.

This is a very dark, intense movie, making good use of the few locations and the typical scenario of a group of young people being systematically slaughtered. These vampires are definitely the 30 Days of Night variety, more like animals than people. Recommended.

Psycho Beach Party (2001)

This is one weird movie. It’s exactly like one of those beach movies from the 60’s, only this time around there’s a killer on the loose. Chicklet, a girl who wants to become a surfer, has a split personality and it looks as if she’s the killer. One by one the members of the surfing community are being killed in gruesome ways. Is she doing it? Or is it Kanaka, the burnt out surf-guru who used to be a cop? Or is it the B-movie starlet who has rented a nearby beach house?

Psycopath (1998)

Attorney Rachel McGuire (Madchen Amick) is tracking a serial killer whose victims are female law students—and her old roommate. When the killer (Chris Mulkey) is caught and put on trial there’s not enough evidence to convict him and he goes free for yet another murder. Yet one of the jurers, wanting to get rid of his mistress, decides to use the serial killer’s m.o to his advantage. What he does is kill his girlfriend and makes it seem as if the serial killer had done it.... This is a decent thriller and worth watching just for Mulkey’s performance alone and it’s always interesting seeing two Twin Peaks alumni (Amick and Mulkey) in a movie together.

Psyclops (2003)

Writer/Director Brett Piper’s new movie is one of his best. A group of friends, two guys and two girls, watch an old videotape of a film transfer-which says to be from 1876, way before the film camera was invented. This footage shows the scientist operating a machine that can open dimensions-and by doing so lets in these foot long, ant-like creatures which attack him. Curious about this, they look up the inventor-and find that he has a descendent in town, a woman who practices witchcraft. One of the group, nicknamed ‘Shemp’ (Piper is a Three Stooges fan) is obsessed with videotaping everything, wanting to make the world’s longest movie. Shemp eventually uncovers the scientists invention-and tries it out. What it does is graft his videocamera onto his head so that he looks like a video-Borg. There’s also those insect creatures that emerge-they burrow into his body, make way into his brain and make him crazy. It also reanimates the bodies of some corpses (a la Night of the Creeps). So now Shemp goes to capture one of his women friends, who he’s always had a crush on, and tries to transform her with the contraption. Will her two other friends save her? Will the once-likable Shemp transform back to his old self? Rent the movie and find out. Also check out Drainiac, which has finally been released.

Pterodactyl (2005)

In Turkey, a dormant volcano spews forth some really big eggs, which soon hatch. The giant bird-like reptiles start preying on the local populace. An American, Professor Lovecraft, leads a group of graduate students on an expedition to this volcano, which he is going to write a paper about. As he’s doing this there’s a sub-plot about an Army group fighting local terrorist/bandits. Eventually the two groups meet, just in time to run away from and then fight these really fake computer animated monsters. Yet again these movie Pterodactyls are flapping their wings, not gliding like big kites as they actually did.This Sci-Fi Original Movie’s full title should be Pterodactyl Crap.

Pulse (2003)

This is a weird one. A mother and daughter (Madeline Stowe and Mischka Barton), on their way back from the house of the ex-husband, witness the aftermath of a car accident alongside the road. It seems like your typical highway accident, except for a young couple who are taking pictures and acting as if it’s a picnic.Mom and daughter soon stop at a truck stop to get some coffee. The mother is a stressed-out personality and has gotten little sleep. The daughter doesn’t seem to like the mother very much, clearly preferring her father, who she only sees every other week. At this truck stop the people are all odd & staring at them. There’s this strange infomercial on television about ‘opening the doorway to your mind’ and the mother falls asleep for an instant, as though hypnotized. The weirdness accelerates after the two get in a verbal argument and the girl hitches a ride with people on a camper. These people turn out to be the couple who were taking pictures at that accident. The mother freaks out, tries to get help from a policewoman at the truck stop-and follows the pursuit. She soon realizes that that woman isn’t really a police officer and that there’s some kind of conspiracy about kidnapping people at these roadside stops. If you like David Lynch movies you’ll enjoy this.

Pulse (2006)

There’s lots of blue lighting and red duct tape here in this American remake but little else. Pulse is one of the most uninteresting horror movies ever made and I found it a complete waste of time to see.

Pulse 2: Afterlife (2008)

This is leaps and bounds better than the first Pulse movie and is probably what M. Knight Shamalyan’s The Happening should have been.

After the spirits take over most of the world only a few people survive. Among them are Stephen (Jamie Bamber of Battlestar Galactica) and his family. He’s separated from his wife and after the world goes to hell he makes his way back to her house, primarily to make sure his daughter is okay. When he gets there, though, things aren’t as he expected. The movie starts with the point-of-view of ex-wife Michelle (Georgina Rylance of Dinotopia the series) and her daughter and we’re not sure if she or her daughter is a ghost. All becomes clearer when Stephen arrives.

There are some unsettling moments and the movie does keep you guessing as to what’s happening. Pulse II almost convinces you that ghosts are the new zombies...

Directed by Joel Soisson.

Pulse 3

The movie opens in the present day with young couple Adam and Salwa, who have been having a relationship for the past eleven months via the internet/cameras. He’s in Ohio and she’s in Cairo and they’ve never met in person. He has two-way video monitors in all of the rooms of his apartment, so that they can eat together, sleep together, et cetera. His world falls apart, however, when he watches her commit suicide by jumping off a building.

Then we skip seven years into the future after the ghosts have taken over through technology and continue the story begin in Pulse 2: Afterlife, with a seventeen year-old Justine. She was the only survivor of the first sequel. She’s now living in a refugee camp but wants something more. She finds a still functioning laptop computer and begins communicating with Adam, who tells her to run away and meet him in Houston. On the way she meets an old African-American man who lets her stay the night, but once he realizes she has a computer he chains her up. The scene is like a weird version of Black Snake Moan. He uses the computer to summon the ghost of his late wife and she ends up killing him. She escapes and continues to the city where she finds out that Adam is a ghost.

In Houston she meets the “Man with a Plan”, also another character she had met as a child in the first movie. He knows that the ghosts can penetrate the color red, so his windows are covered in red plastic and red tape. He’s figured out a way to rid the world of these ghosts, by exploding nuclear devices in the atmosphere—and he’s working with the Army. He also tells her that there’s also a way to bring all the ghosts into the world again, to make them flesh, and it has to do with a computer program. He keeps Justine prisoner in a room with a ghost but she ends up helping the ghost—and it ends up killing him. She makes contact with Adam and ends up making him flesh again—but he’s not altruistic. In fact, he’s killed others to survive, a serial killer who will probably kill her. Just in time the “Man with a Plan’s” plan goes into effect and bombs start exploding in the atmosphere, making all the ghosts disappear. Justine goes back to the refugee camp where she has a new appreciation of that society.

This is the best Pulse movie, as it’s different than the previous two and definitely concludes the series. Directed by Joel Soisson

Pumpkinhead 3: Ashes to Ashes (2007)

I believe this is the “official” sequel to the original movie (I think the producers want to forget about Pumpkinhead 2: Bloodwings (1994)), taking place at least twenty-years after the events of that film. The main character is one of the grown-up mountain kids who works for an evil doctor (Doug Bradley) who harvests body parts. He’s the one who ends up having to bury the bodies out in the woods. He’s also visited by Ed Harley’s (Lance Henriksen) ghost, who warns him that something bad is going to happen.

After the townsfolk discover that there’s been grave robbing going on, several of them make a pact and resurrect the Pumpkinhead demon to get revenge and kill those responsible for the atrocity. Of course, every time the monster kills someone they all feel it. And, if one of the humans it’s bonded to is killed the creature is weakened.

In the first movie Ed Harley had a very good reason to get revenge on the people who killed his son - he was enraged and did a rash thing. Here, though, the reason for the revenge isn’t great enough (for not cremating bodies?) and too many people are involved. It’s just not enough cause for such a revenge. The Pumpkinhead creature looks good, though a bit smaller than in the first movie, but the computer generated effects of it climbing around simply don’t work. This is also yet another horror movie shot in Romania - and the local doesn’t quite double as rural America. If you’re a fan of the first Pumpkinhead you are bound to be disappointed. Directed by Jake West (Razorblade Smile).

Pumpkinhead 4: Blood Feud (2007)

The story revolves around the feud between the Hatfields and the McCoys, with Jodie Hatfield and Ricky McCoy falling in love and trying to keep it secret from both of their respective families. However, one night when Jodie and Ricky meet up for a rendezvous, with McCoy’s younger sister as lookout, the Hatfield boys discover them and accidently kill the young sister. Enraged, Ricky goes to the old local witch and asks for vengeance in the form of Pumpkinhead. The ghost of Ed Harley (Lance Henriksen) tries to intervene with the wicked old lady but she says it’s up to Ricky. And Ricky makes the bad choice.  One by one he goes after the Hatfields and kills them with the monster.

This is the best of the Pumpkinhead sequels, a far cry above Ashes to Ashes, and gives a good reason for Lance Henriksen to reprise his role as Ed Harley. He’s the cursed spirit, warning people not to conjure the demon. The Hatfield/McCoy/Romeo/Juliet story also works as does a subplot involving the local sheriff, who managed to evade Pumpkinhead five years before. Don’t be put off by this being sequel #3, Blood Feud is worth renting.

Punisher, The (2004)

This version of the Punisher is much better than 80’s Dolph Lundgren version but not quite the comic-book character. After Frank Castle’s (Thomas Jane) family, and I mean his extended family as well, are slaughtered by some criminals he embarks on getting his revenge.John Travolta is decently slimy as the main villain and Will Patton (The Postman) is great his sadistic right-hand man. I enjoyed the movie but I felt it didn’t quite capture the character. He’s supposed to be this Judge Dredd-like force of justice but here he’s basically an alcoholic with a lot of weapons out for vengeance. He must get beaten up a dozen times in this movie, which only succeeded in diminishing his strength. Next to the Hulk this is the weakest recent Marvel adaptation.

Punisher: War Zone (2008)

This new Marvel adaptation is what The Incredible Hulk (2008) is to The Hulk (2003). It’s a new movie that re-does the origin in a series of flashbacks, but it’s a much better movie, faster paced and relentless. It also takes place in New York City, rather than Los Angeles. Ray Stevens (Rome) is perfect as Frank Castle. The main villain is a mobster, Billy Russoti, who Frank tosses in a glass recycling machine that grinds all his skin off. Billy survives but he doesn’t look so good and begins calling himself Jigsaw. He then gets his crazy brother, Loony Bin Jim (Doug Hutchinson) out of the mental institution and they go after The Punisher.

The main conflict is that Frank accidently kills an undercover agent, a “good guy”, and feels immensely guilty about this, going so far as to confront the agent’s widow (Julie Benz) and nearly letting her kill him. Frank’s assistant, Micro (Wayne Knight) is worried because he’s never seen the hardened vigilante like this. Jigsaw ends up taking Micro, the widow and her daughter captive and Frank must rescue them. However, Jigsaw has managed to raise up an army of thugs from the city and Frank must make his way through all of these various gangs to rescue them and have the final showdown with Jigsaw.

Puppet Master Legacy, The (2003)

Lame, lame, lame installment of the Puppet Master series that’s basically a ‘best of’ clips movie, utilizing footage from the other PM features. There’s a new wraparound story (probably 10 minutes of the 70 minute movie) that’s done very poorly: A woman mercenary breaks into the Puppet Master’s old house, where one of his proteges is working with the puppets. She wants to find the secret of reanimation (and eternal life), he doesn’t want to give it to her. While they talk about the history, the movie goes to the various flashbacks and scenes from the other movies. The biggest problem is that there are so many discrepancies between the movies that this half-ass attempt doesn’t even attempt to adequately bridge them, much less make sense of the whole story line. Even if you’ve enjoyed previous Puppet Master movies I’m fairly certain you will hate this one.

Puppetmaster vs. Demonic Toys (2004)

Well, this is better than Dollman vs. Demonic Toys, which doesn’t necessarily mean it has anything going for it. Cory Feldman is Robert Toulon, the great-great grandnephew of Andre Toulon. He and his daughter are working on a formula to bring the puppets back to life. One of the ingredients is Toulon blood. There is also this woman who is in charge of Sharpe toys, who plans on distributing these three toys they have-a baby, a bear and a clown that comes out of a Jack-in-the-box. On Christmas, when all the children open their presents, these toys will come to life and presumably do horrible things to them. This very much reminded me of the plot of Halloween III, where the villain was distributing these three halloween masks which would kill the children on Halloween and turn their heads into a mass of creepy-crawlies. She desires Toulon’s puppets-and wants the secret formula for animating them. She captures Toulon’s daughter and keeps her captive down in this subterranean torture room that exists far below her office building. It’s complete with torture devices-and a contraption which is able to extract the blood from a human very quickly. Just as she’s about to kill the daughter Toulon comes in, with the puppets, and saves the day. First, how does this connect with Curse of the Puppetmaster, which takes place chronologically before this one? Toulon mentions that he found the puppets at an antique store in France-but the events in CURSE took place in the Midwest. And whose idea was it to cast Cory Feldman as Toulon? He’s not believable for one moment as a grey-haired father of a teenaged girl. The casting simply doesn’t work. I would say all of the other Puppet Master movies are better than this amalgamation.

Push (2009)

I was rather amazed that this “Psychic battle” movie managed to be unbelievably boring and filled with cliches. It’s like a remake of Cronenberg’s original Scanners minus anything that made that movie interesting. The previews and even the synopsis on Netflix makes this flick sound wildly exciting. They are all lying.

The premise is that there have been people with psychic powers since World War II and the governments of the world have been using them in secret wars against each other. In China, Nick Gant is on the run from The Division, who wants to capture and use him for their purposes. But before they capture him he’s visited by a thirteen-year-old girl named Cassie, who is a “Seer”. She can see the future, which doesn’t mean a heck of a lot because she says the future is always changing, so she’s just seeing the possibilities. Throughout most of the movie, as she and Nick are pursued by the leader of the Division and his henchmen, she keeps on telling him they are both going to die, which becomes meaningless after a while because it never happens. And as a viewer you know they aren’t going to kill these characters off in a Hollywood movie. It’s dumb.

Nick and Cassie’s goal is to find another psychic who was recently injected with a serum that boosts abilities—and this turns out to be, coincidently, Nick’s old girlfriend. Somehow she can destroy the Division. But do we care? The one thing that was confirmed after watching this movie is that actress Camilla Belle (10,000 B.C., He Knows You’re Alone remake) has no screen presence whatsoever.

Python 2 (2002)

If you’ve seen King Cobra, Boa or Python or Spiders than this movie will seem awfully familiar to you, so I won’t even repeat the plot. I won’t repeat it! Okay. I just want one question answered—why is it that they always have these genetically created animals as a weapon for the government? If they can’t control the creatures to begin with how do they think they’re going to use it as a weapon? Scare the enemy if they have a phobia of snakes? This sequel was shot in Russia, though, so there’s some interesting locations—and the snake effects are an improvement. But I won’t repeat that plot....

“Q” Titles

Quarantine (2008)

Angela Vidal (Jennifer Carpenter of Dexter, Exorcism of Emily Rose) is a newbie reporter doing a story on the fire department in Los Angeles when they get a late night call to an old apartment building. Two cops are already there when they show up and one gets his neck bitten by a crazy, deranged looking old lady. There’s some type of contagious disease, like a hyper version of rabies. Before they can leave, though, the government shows up and seals up the building, posting soldiers with machine guns outside. They can’t leave— and more people are changing into these maniacs.

Carpenter is great in this part and goes through a wide range of emotions. Johnathon Schaech (Organizm, Prom Night) is George Fletcher, one of the two firemen the reporter follows and he’s a hoot. You think he’s going to be the main character and hook up with Angela but he pretty much has the “Dallas” role in Alien. It’s not good what happens to him...or to many of the others.

This is another movie shot as if the viewer is watching a documentary, like Diary of the Dead or Cloverfield but not pulled off as well stylistically. Nevertheless, once it gets going and we’re in the midst of the story it sucks you in and is unrelenting. Someone dies about every five minutes. Think of 28 Days Later if everything took place inside one building. The movie also made me jump a few times in my seat, something that doesn’t happen too often to this jaded viewer. Quarantine is one of the better horror movies of 2008.

Quarantine 2: Terminal (2011)

This sequel to Quarantine (which was a remake of Rec) takes place during and after the events of that first movie. The story first focuses on two stewardesses who have the night shift. Right after a hugely obese guy is bitten by a rat he begins to go berserk and endangers the plane and bites one of the stewardesses in the face. He’s overpowered by the passengers. But the copilot is sick and they have to make an emergency landing. Once they land, however, they are locked into a section of the airport and surrounded by the military. They learn that this infection started in an apartment building in Los Angeles and somehow got on the plane. Basically, they all have to somehow survive as they become infected, one by one. Even an old guy with Parkinson’s Disease becomes a raving lunatic.

I suspected who the culprit was in the first ten minutes of the movie and I don’t think you’ll be at all surprised about this revelation. As sequels go this is a good one and I can see this being a decent enough DVD movie series (anything is better than Children of the Corn!). If you liked the first one you’ll like this, though it’s one of those “zombie” flicks like 28 Days Later or The Crazies, where they’re really not dead zombies but diseased people. Recommended.

Quark(1977)

Richard Benjamin is Adam Quark, who captains a garbage collection ship. On board are a strange assortment of crewmembers, which include the Betties (one of them is a clone of the other), the transmute Gene/Jean (Tim Thomerson), the square headed robot Andy and Ficus, a humanoid plant.

The first episode, created and written by Buck Henry, is the funniest and features an old crotchety scientist with an eye-patch instead of Ficus. This guy is credited for creating Andy the Android, though in later episodes it’s mentioned a few times that Adam Quark created him. In the eight episodes the crew gets into various adventures which allude to other movies/shows, such as when Quark tries to feed an innocent looking pet that turns out to be a danger (like in Carpenter’s Dark Star) and when he uses The Source (Star Wars) or when he goes to rescue people on the Planet Palumbus, entitled Goodbye Palumbus (a play on the Richard Benjamin movie Goodbye Columbus). The two most entertaining characters, who have the best one-liners, are Ficus (Richard Kelton) and Andy. They are hilarious.

Quatermass (1979)

The conclusion to the Quatermass story stars John Mills as Bernard Quatermass and Simon MacCorkindale (Manimal) as his associate. The world is falling to chaos and many groups of young people start following a strange cult that abhors technology. They start gathering around ancient stone relics in England (and worldwide), where a bright light appears and zaps them. Thousands upon thousands of people are being killed like this, like Lemmings going over a cliff. Quatermass has a theory that an alien intelligence is behind it and is transporting their essence across space, for either food or entertainment. The people are incinerated but something is being harvested from them.

There’s a few subplots going on, such as the destruction of a space station, Joe Kapp losing his family and Quatermass searching for his neice, who ran away to join one of these cults.This is an engaging, sci-fi miniseries with some horrific overtones, definitely worth checking out.

Quatermass Experiment, The (1955)

The first rocketship into space, with three astronauts on board, crashes in the English Countryside. It’s one of those 50’s pointed ships with the fins, so when it crashed it did so like a giant dart. Professor Quatermass (Brian Donlevy), who is head of this project, shows up along with the military to find out what happened since they were out of contact with the crew for two days before. When they manage to get inside they find only one guy and just the other two’s empty spacesuits. They develop some film that was shot on board and it shows some type of energy entering the ship and causing two of the men to go unconscious. What this energy did was start to transform the survivor, who begins getting weird skin growths. The guy’s wife wants him home so she pays an orderly to sneak him out—but he attacks the orderly and messes up his hand when he crushes a small cactus that was in the room. When his wife sees his injured hand, which has now melded with the cactus, she starts screaming—and he wanders off into the city. By now he’s really changing into something else—and kills many animals at a local zoo, including the lions, which are all dried-out looking. Back at the research lab they get a sample of the jelly like substance he leaves behind—and it digests some mice and grows. It also looks like it will soon reproduce by some type of spore. If that happens with the big monster then it could potentially destroy all life on Earth.

Quatermass eventually tracks the creature, which now looks like a giant Octopus, to an old church, where they try to destroy it with fire.

On one hand I thought this movie unintentionally funny, as it’s all 1950’s version of space travel and “what might be beyond the sky” commentary. Quatermass is also depicted as a total ass and he’s the main character. However, the effects, particularly the humans who are killed and partially dissolved, are gruesome for a movie of this time and there’s a general feeling of dread by the end of the picture. Also known as The Creeping Unknown.

Quatermass 2 (1957)

This second Quatermass movie makes the main character a much more likable person, primarily because he’s more involved with the action of the story and has some concern about other people. It begins with the Professor nearly crashing into a young couple on the road. He stops and sees the guy is burned, presumably by some weird rock. He takes a sample back to his lab. They also identify that these strange meteors have been coming down all over the country, so Quatermass investigates. He finds a secret government facility run by zombie-like minions and is chased off. When he manages to get into the area with a government official he finds out that this is really part of an invasion that’s been going on for two years, from an asteroid that’s in orbit around the moon. They are manufacturing the alien atmosphere at the plant and growing the aliens in these huge 200 foot tall spheres...

The movie does have a gooey monster, as in the first film, but is much more action-packed and serious. It’s very similar to Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956), which was released the year before. Also known as Enemy from Space.

Queen Kong (1976)

This British movie is a spoof of King Kong, with a female ape instead of a male, is mildly amusing for about ten minutes. But it’s an hour and a half long movie. Everything is reversed—instead of a guy director making a movie in the jungle, it’s a woman. She needs to find a new lead man and this turns out to be the blonde Ray Fay, a hippie. She drugs him and takes him aboard the ship to the island where the Queen lives. He’s then kidnapped by an amazonian tribe and sacrificed to their Goddess. They put him in a giant cake, which is on a giant table with a checked tablecloth. Instead of eating him she carries him away and battles a rubbery T-Rex and a Pterodactyl. Then she’s captured and taken back to England where she escapes and climbs Big Ben. The only live-action giant ape movie that’s worse than this is toss-up between the Korean Ape! and The Mighty Gorga.

Queen of the Damned (2002)

In some ways this movie is better than Interview with the Vampire. In some ways it’s worse. On the plus side, it’s very faithful to the book (though not quite as ‘epic’), the actors are well cast and the effects are decent. The vampires have a different look than the ‘veiny vamps’ of Interview, this time with glowing eyes and unnaturally shiny skin. On the down side is the lower budget and the fact that the movie was made ten years too late. Anne Rice’s books are great—but vampire movies have copied them so much in recent years that Queen of the Damned comes off almost like a rerun.

Quicksilver Highway (1997)

Mick Garris, who has probably directed more Stephen King adaptations than any other director, takes a stab at the anthology format, a la Creepshow. In addition to the connecting story, there is one based on King’s short story The Chattering Teeth and one on Clive Barker’s The Body Politic. To tell the truth, I’ve never read either short story, so I can’t say how well the adaptations are. But as a whole, the movie seems unfinished, as if it’s a stretch to connect the trio of tales. Christopher Lloyd is the crazy looking ‘Collector’, who comes across a pregnant bride (Missy Crider of Frailty, The Others) waiting in her stalled out car on the highway. Her husband (Raphael S’barge of Hidden 2, Carnosaur), with whom she was married to earlier that day, had gone off in search of help. Lloyd takes her into his mobile home and tells her a strange tale, about a guy (the same actor who portrays her husband) who is given one of those wind-up Chattering Teeth toys at a roadside gas station. It comes in handy when he picks up a violent hitcher. The other story is about a surgeon whose hands start having a life of their own. They make him mess up in his surgery and they even strangle his wife to death. The first hand to have a mind of its own even talks-and urges other people’s hands to ‘Join the Revolution’. Other people’s hands do, until there’s a whole herd of the disembodies appendages walking around. While I was watching this movie I kept on thinking that Christopher Lloyd was far more entertaining as Uncle Fester in The Addam’s Family movies-as was the hand, Thing.

Quills (2001)

Geoffrey Rush portrays the Marquis DeSade, who is kept prisoner in a mental institution because of his very explicit sexual writings. In charge of the institution is a priest (Joaquim Phoenix), who considers himself the Marqui’s friend and has a very liberal (for the times)view of caring for and working with his patients. Even though the Marquis is behind a locked metal door he’s still able to get his writings out to the publishers via a friendly chambermaid (Kate Winslet). But when Napoleon gets ahold of one of the infamous novels he sends in a warden (Michael Caine) to the asylum to make sure no more writings are released. The Caine character is extremely uptight and reminded me a bit of the Herbert Lom character in Mark of the Devil. He enjoys putting his mental patients through various tortures. He is also newly married to a young woman who was kept in a convent-and he treats her very badly. A battle of wills goes on between the Marquis, the priest and the Warden, with the priest eventually losing the most. At first the Marquis’ writing quills and ink are taken away, so he writes with wine on his white bed sheets. When this is taken away he writes a story on his own clothes. Finally, stripped of all clothes and any furniture in his cell, he dictates his stories to the chambermaid, who writes them down and supplies them to the publisher. In the end he ends up writing his last work with his own feces. The chambermaid ends up getting raped and killed by a disturbed inmate who is taken over by the images in the Marquis’ work, who reinacts a particularly vicious scene upon her. This greatly distresses both the priest and the Marquis, both who had strong feelings towards her. The only one who gets ahead is the Caine character, the only evil one in the bunch. In fact, he ends up having his wards work on publishing the Marquis’ work because he’s making so much money at it. As for the priest, he goes insane and is locked up in his own institution. This is one of those movies about society filled with contradictions and absurdities, how people’s views can change overnight if money is involved. Things which exist very much today. Quills is entertaining, has some horrific scenes and at its heart is basically a B-movie with A actors. If this was made in the 1960’s I could see Vincent Price cast in the Marquis’ role.

“R” Titles

R.S.V.P. (2002)

Although it echoes the Sandra Bullock vehicle, Murder by Numbers, it’s a good serial killer movie, kind of a remake of the Hitchcock movie Rope. A college graduate holds a going away party for his best buddy and invites all of his friends, including his girlfriend. We’re introduced to all of these odd characters while they are waiting for the guest of honor to show up. Well, he never does. Some people leave-and the host of the party follows them out of the building-and kills them. Then he goes back inside to continue his party. In the end only him, his college professor and the girlfriend are left. I guessed right away that the missing friend’s body was hidden in this big chest-but what I didn’t expect was the glee in which this character kills off all of these people. Very American Psycho-ish. You just don’t see this amount of enthusiasm for slaying anymore.

Race to Witch Mountain (2009)

An ex-con taxi driver in Las Vegas takes two blonde kids miles into the desert because they are paying him with a wad of cash. On the way they are followed by government agents, who know the kids are really aliens. However, he thinks these cars belong to his old boss—and that he’s trying to scare him back into working for him. He doesn’t want to go back to jail so he’s on the straight and narrow. The boy can control his molecular density and the girl can levitate objects with her mind, which provide an excuse for some special effects. There is also an alien soldier after the siblings, which the cab driver is able to protect them from.

There are also cameos by the original stars of Escape to Witch Mountain (1975), Kim Richards and Ike Eisenmann. They are in a bar scene in which she’s a waitress and he’s a sheriff. While it was good to see them it is somewhat jolting to see how much they’ve aged in the past 35 years.

Basically, everything in this movie is doubled up from the original. There are two evil factions after the kids and if either capture them the earth will be invaded by an alien planet. All this convolution only bored me—and made me want to re-watch the original.

Ragdoll (1999)

This is a pretty decent Full Moon movie, about voodoo and revenge, although it’s basically a forty-minute film padded with musical performances. When a local hip-hop band, led by seventeen year old Kwame, refuses to bow under the local thugs, the criminals put Kwame’s grandmother in the hospital. Enraged, wanting revenge, Kwame delves into the dark side of magic and invokes The Shadowman (sort of like the devil) and he puts the power in to a rag doll, which has these large teeth and goes around killing the thugs one by one. Reminded me very much of that Zuni fetish doll from Dan Curtis’ Trilogy of Terror. Solid performances, good monster and interesting story.

Rage of the Yeti (2011)

This is yet another Syfy creature movie of the week, this time with the white monsters.

However, the “Yetis” seem to change in size from scene to scene and resemble weirdly fanged polar bears more than anything else. A group of treasure hunters are after an old ship carrying gold from China. They find it buried in the ice on a secluded arctic island. But they soon discover that the ship was also carrying a mythical creature—and that creature, stuck on the island, has bred, so that there are a LOT of them. They’re picked off one by one. This was okay but the computer animation of the creatures is simply terrible. And actress Yancy Butler, who was never a great actress to begin with, keeps on getting more masculine looking with each new Syfy movie she stars in. Rage of the Yeti is on the low end of the spectrum in the “Bigfoot genre”.

Rage, The (2008)

This movie is the most fun I’ve had watching a horror movie in a long time. Andrew Divoff (Wishmaster) portrays mad scientist Viktor Vasilienko, a Russian scientist who has flipped out after being dismissed for finding a cure for cancer. The government and pharmaceutical companies wanted that covered up, since they make more money treating it, and he was put in an insane asylum, where he finally escaped. To wreak his revenge on the society that has treated him so poorly, he comes up with The Rage virus, which mutates its host into a horrible looking, insane creature bent on killing. It soon crosses over to animals, to these vultures that attack anything that move.

A group of friends who have just gone to an outdoor concert in their camper accidently run into one of the monsters and crash their vehicle. They see that they’ve run over a creatureâ€”and that there’s also the vultures, which try to kill them. They run away, through the forest, and eventually end up at Vasilienko’s hidden lab. He’s now become one of the creatures and insists on doing experiments on the survivors.

There’s this weird little mutant henchman the Doctor has, which ends up becoming a dire threat to the surviving girl, as he torments her through an underground lair.

It’s a gory, gooey, highly entertaining horror movie, up there with the Re-Animator and Blood Island movies. So far, one of the best horror flicks of 2008. Directed by Robert Kurtzman.

Rage: Dark Reign 2 (1998)

A killer, wearing a white mask, stabs a woman to death in the forest. Mark (played by director Mark Sparks), an African-American, is having relationship problems with his Thai girlfriend. After they verbally fight he goes over to his friends’ and plays basketball, venting about ‘women’. Soon after, the killer, who is now videotaping his murders, kills his girlfriend. The police, having no other leads, go to Mark’s apartment and arrest him. The Defense lawyer tells him that he is up for a double homicide, for killing his girlfriend and the unborn child she was carrying. But there isn’t enough evidence to hold him and he’s released. Nine months later Mark seems to kill a man with a knife. Back again at the police station it’s revealed that Mark may have killed eleven of his friends at a party. His prints are all over the weapons, the police can place him at the time of the murders, and Mark isn’t exactly cooperative. Although a bit disjointed at first there is indeed a reason for the editing style, for through the use of extremely effective flashbacks the viewer is shown exactly what has happened, and that the killer may not be Mark at all but one of his friends, Dre (Andre Walker), who is a bit unstable. Or it may be indeed be Mark. The movie succeeds in keeping you guessing the identity of the killer until the very last frame. This is perhaps one of the best shot-on-video features I have ever seen.

Raging Sharks (2005)

First, I must say that the scenes involving the various types of sharks attacking people are great. It’s a good use of live stock footage, computer effects and fake shark heads-and gallons of blood.The movie starts off with two alien spaceships crashing near Mars and a piece of one of them plunges into the Earth’s ocean, taking a ship with it. It’s also landed smack dab in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle, where there’s also an underwater science lab called the Oshona, run by Corin Nemec (Stargate, Mosquito Man) and Vanessa Angel (Weird Science the series), who are the married scientists. For some reason (which is explained at the end of the movie) the sharks start attacking the station and anyone who is in the water near that piece of alien wreckage. A sub, piloted by Corbin Bernsen (The Dentist), goes to help-and aboard with them is a sinister government agent who succeeds in creating a lot of trouble for everyone. Basically, Raging Sharks is a low budget version of The Abyss, but with the addition of killer sharks tearing people apart.

Raiders of the Damned (2007)

This is a terrible, terrible zombie movie that takes place in the future, after nuclear war has spread the zombie contagion. The zombies here are intelligent. Richard Grieco over-acts like crazy and in some scenes looks as if he’s reading his lines from the script. Makeup effects are cheap and unconvincing and those computer generated helicopters never ever work. Raiders of the Damned is a complete time-waster.

Raising Hell (2002)

Raising Hell is a real independent (NOT Hollywood ‘independent) horror movie about good vs. evil which uses the political arena as its backdrop. An evil governor, up for re-election, summons a demon from an ancient text to eliminate his competition. As the death toll rises his press representative, Jack Alder, starts to uncover what’s really going on. Written, Directed and Produced by Brandon Bethmann and Eric Szmyr in Upstate New York, Raising Hell is an extremely ambitious project with great production values, a damn creepy looking demon and an intriguing plot-line. This is an example of what independent filmmaking should be.

Rambo (2008)

This has enough violence for a dozen recent horror movies. We see people explode, people set on fire with torch guns and lots of beheadings and more people exploding like flesh water balloons.

The simple story is about a group of Christian missionaries who hire Rambo’s boat to take them upriver, to dangerous Burma, where locals are being slaughtered by the corrupt military. The one person Rambo connects with is the only woman, Sarah (Julie Benz of Dexter, Saw V, Punisher Warzone). Weeks after he drops them off he finds out that they are all missing. So, he joins the group of mercenaries hired by their church to get them back— and the carnage ensues. And I mean carnage. I couldn’t keep track of how many people die in this movie.

In tone, this is probably much closer to the original First Blood than the two Rambo sequels and the way the movie ends I’m sure there’ll be another movie down the line, though I suspect he may be shooting his machine-gun from a wheelchair, as Stallone is no spring chicken. Co-written & directed by Sylvester Stallone.

Rana: Legend of Shadow Lake (1986)

Beneath the murky depths of Shadow Lake lies an ancient treasure of gold, guarded by an evil frog-like creature that resembles the Creature from the Black Lagoon. But that isn’t going to stop Kelly Morgan from trying to get it. Although he’s been haunted by a terrifying encounter with this creature since his childhood, when it killed everyone on the island except him, he still plunges into the depths-and finds something even more horrifying this time around! Although low budget, this movie does have some effective scenes and discretion is used when showing the creature.

Raptor (2002)

In this Roger Corman produced dinosaur flick, basically Carnosaur #4, scientist Corbin Bernsen is cloning dinosaurs as potential biological weapons and it’s up to the local sheriff, Eric Roberts, to stop him. There’s some likeable characters, the usual Carnosaur story, and lots of stock footage and scenes used in the three other Carnosaur movies. Kind of like one of those television episodes that consists of clips from previous shows. If you’ve seen the other Carnosaur movies you’ve definitely seen 50% of this one!

Raptor Island (2004)

This is crap. Just crap. A group of army commandoes get stranded on this island where these cheap computer animated dinosaurs attack them. There’s also the active volcano, which of course explodes at the very end, just as the main characters make it to safety in the computer animated helicopter. This has convinced me that any new cable movie with Lorenzo Lamas in it is to be avoided.

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)

A corporation digging in a mountain in Finland discovers that it is man-made, housing the grave of Santa Claus. But this isn’t the modern version of the guy—this is the original, child-eating one. Let’s just say that those workers meet a violent end.

The majority of the story focuses around a young boy and his father, who runs a reindeer slaughtering house. The day after the boy and his friend sneak in to look at the archeological dig their parents find hundreds of reindeer slaughtered. The adults thing it’s wolves but the kid sees the human footprints and knows it may be Saint Nick. Then, someTHING falls into the deadfall pit the father had dug to catch the wolves. It looks like a white bearded sixty-year old man and at first they think he’s dead. Then, he starts to awaken and ends up biting the ear off one of the guys. Strange things are happening in the area—-all of the boy’s friends are disappearing, replaced by effigies, and radiators are being stolen from homes. It’s not until the last half hour when all the questions are answered. This fascinating movie had me hooked from the beginning. Rare Exports is one of the best Christmas themed horror movies ever made.

Raputin The Mad Monk (1965)

This Hammer version of the real life Rasputin story is interesting and Christopher Lee gives a suitably over-the-top performance as the pseudo-monk. For those lacking in the history department, Rasputin was the spiritual advisor of the Romanov family, the last Tsar, reputed to being a manipulative and violent personality. In this film version it’s shown how he corrupts a servant of the Czarina and eventually infiltrates the royal family through her. He’s mostly concerned not with helping people but by having power over them. In the end his dastardly deeds catch up with him and after a failed attempt at poisoning he’s thrown off a balcony to die in the fall. I’m not sure why Hammer Studios didn’t stick with the real version of his demise-poisoned, shot, then drowned. That would’ve shown how difficult it was to kill him. Still, an interesting movie about a character with no redeeming qualities.

Rasputin: Dark Servant of Destiny (1996)

This made-for-cable movie casts Alan Rickman (Die Hard, Harry Potter movies) as Gregori Rasputin, Greta Scaachi (Shattered, Coca Cola Kid) as Tsarina Alexandra and Ian McKellan (X-Men & Lord of the Rings) as Tsar Nicholas II.The crazed monk is much more favorably portrayed than in Hammer’s Rasputin: The Mad Monk. It’s more along the historical novel Nicholas and Alexander. Rasputin seems to miraculously cure the Tsar’s hemophiliac son from bleeding to death and Alexandra starts believing all too readily that he can do miracles. Rasputin insists that he’s just a servant of God. Although he views himself as a holy man he drinks far too much and absolutely loves indulging with the local whores. The Tsar’s personal doctor just thinks he’s a gifted hypnotist. At a certain point in the movie even Rasputin doesn’t seem to know if he’s really hearing voices from above or if it’s just a product of his fevered mind. As the movie progresses the nobility become far more dependent upon him as they give him emotional power over themselves. Rasputin is viewed as a threat by one of Alexandra’s relatives and he’s killed. It takes a bit to kill him though-he’s poisoned with enough to kill a crowd of men, shot several times and then finally dumped into the river. While this is happening a revolution of the people has occurred-and the family is thrown out of power. For nearly two years they are kept prisoner until they are all assassinated in Siberia. Not shortly before he was killed Rasputin had told Alexandra that if he was killed all the rest of them would be killed in two years-which turned out to be true. It’s an interesting tale because it’s actually true.

Ratman (1987)

A scientist in South American, intent on winning the Nobel Prize, has successfully crossed a rat with a monkey, the result being a foot-high monstrosity with poisonous teeth and claws. The diminutive monster escapes to kill young models, who are on an exotic photo shoot. When one of these women fails to return home her sister, along with a reporter played by David Warbeck (The Beyond) go in search of her, following her trail to the scientist’s decrepit old house deep in the jungle. There’s plenty of scurrying about as the creature climbs up hanging curtains and along rafters, and in one particularly anxiety provoking scene-crawls headfirst out of a toilet!

Rats: Night of Terror (1984)

240 years after a nuclear war, a group of humans, riding motorcycles and old cars, decide to camp out in the ruins of a city. Much to their surprise they find boxes of food in one of the big rooms of a building. However, they also find the previous tennants, whose corpses are all chewed up by the numerous rats. In one of the nastier scenes of the movie a rat crawls in a naked woman’s sleeping back and presumably crawls into the only available orifice....later, when the group finds her, dead, her mouth starts moving and the rat’s head pops out of her mouth—it at its way through her body! However, the best part of the movie is the ending when all of these people in containment suits and helmets come above ground and the the two survivors think they are being rescued....and one of them takes off his helmet to reveal that —well, you have to see the movie.

Rattled (2000)

William Katt and Shana Reed, recently moved in to their new house in the desert, encounter many rattlesnakes when their den is disturbed by nearby blasting from a construction site. The snakes, awoken from hibernation, are seeking food and a new place to nest. Decent snake wrangling, good dialogue, and likable characters make this a decent made for cable movie. If you like ‘animals on the rampage’ type movies you’ll like this one.

Ravage (1997)

After witnessing the slaughter of his family by a serial killer, the criminal psychologist Gregory Burroughs is obsessed with revenge. The trail of carnage leads to Chicago, where he stumbles upon an army of cold-blooded assassins led by someone who may be that same serial killer who destroyed his life. Or could it be another serial killer? This movie successfully adds something new to the whole serial killer genre. It is also one of the best no-budget independent films I’ve seen, with enough action and violence to satisfy the most jaded moviegoer. Directed by Ronnie Sortor.

Ravager (1998)

Yancy Butler (Witchblade) and Bruce Payne (Warlock 3) are pilots of a futuristic plane carrying a bunch of rag-tag characters to some place in China. It’s sometime in the future and for some reason, presumably a war, most of Asia is uninhabited. Well, the plan crash lands in the desolation and one of the crew members stumbles upon a cave filled with biological weapons labelled ‘Ravager’. It infects him and makes him insane. He doesn’t change into a monster or anything-just yells a lot and bleeds from his eyes. I don’t know what it is with Yancy Butler but she just doesn’t do it for me as a lead actress, just too manly or something. This movie is so cheap that when they show the usual army trucks and helicopters they are computer animated, not the real thing. Another sucky movie airing on the Sci-Fi Channel...

Ravagers (1979)

It’s forty years since the world was poisoned and civilization crumbled. A man named Falk (Richard Harris) hides in an old steel mill with Miriam, this beautiful young blonde. She believes there is a place called Genesis, where things are growing and there’s life. But along come The Ravagers, a group of men who take what they want. Falk does the best he can to defend himself but he’s knocked off a girder and presumed dead. When he wakes up he finds Miriam dead and obviously multiply raped.

So he follows the Ravagers and kills one of them, which really ticks off the leader (Anthony James, who was the undertaker in Burnt Offerings). The Ravagers start pursuing him. On his journey Falk first encounters a blind man who was kicked out of his clan, and is then stoned when he tries to get the guy some help. Then there’s an old Sergeant (Art Carney) who still patrols a military installation/museum. They sort of become friends and the old guy teaches Falk how to use the weapons, like the machine gun. Then he takes him to a huge cave where there’s an entire town of people called The Flockers. They trade amongst each other and are peaceful. Here Falk barters some sex from Faina (Anne Turkel) for some tobacco. But he’s uncomfortable and he leaves—she and the Sergeant end up following him.

The Ravagers meet up with them and end up capturing the Sergeant. Falk and Faina make their way to the ocean where they meet another group of people who look well-fed and are clean. He forces them to take them to where they live, which is a huge ship anchored on the other side of a nearby island. They have 50 years worth of food, tools and electricity. A guy named Rann (Ernest Borgnine) is the leader and he will not let anyone leave—now including Falk. But some of the people do want to leave and heard Faina mention “Genesis”. They believe Falk knows something he’s not telling although he insists the place does not exist. The Ravagers are still after Falk and they attack the ship and start killing people. There’s a battle and a dying Rann sets the ship on fire. Right before it explodes some people get out and escape to the beach. The next morning Falk leads the survivors off into the distance, saying that they are Genesis, a new beginning.

As post-apocalyptic movies go this is one of the better ones made, up there with The Omega Man, The Ultimate Warrior and even the TV series Ark II.

Raven, The (2012)

Edgar Allen Poe is a changed man. He’s not so doom and gloom anymore. He’s met a new woman and wants to marry her.  But in Baltimore a madman starts committing murders, inspired by Poe’s own stories. He ends up working with Detective Fields and they try to uncover who the killer is. It gets very personal when Poe’s girlfriend (Alice Eve of Men in Black 3) is abducted and buried alive. Will they find her in time? Although this has a slow beginning and it took a while to warm up to John Cusack as Edgar Allen Poe, The Raven surprised me. It’s a good horror movie.

Raw Meat (1972)

At a train station in London people are disappearing and it has something to do with a cave-in that happened over a hundred years before. The trapped people survived and reproduced. Now, the last of their descendants, a cannibalistic man who looks like one of the family from Wrong Turn is in search of a new mate since his recent one died down in the tunnels. He kidnaps a young hippie chick and her boyfriend goes to the police about her disappearance—and then goes in search of her himself when they don’t believe him.

This is surprisingly creepy and gory and features one of the best roles I’ve ever seen Donald Pleasence (Halloween) in, as the police inspector investigating the case. He is quirky and hilarious. It’s also interesting that the cannibal man is depicted as sympathetic. You actually feel sorry for the guy for being the last of his line.

I put this UK movie up there with the original Hills Have Eyes (1977) and Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974). This earlier film definitely had an influence on those two horror classics.

Razortooth (2009)

Two prisoners escape into the swamp. Just as the police are about to find them the cops are attacked by a huge eel. Not only does this creature have the attributes of a python, as it can climb trees, it’s just mean. It kills these guys but doesn’t eat them.

Or maybe the monster simply isn’t hungry at the time. Then we go to an animal control office who is called to investigate a missing dog. He’s divorced from the town’s sheriff. And we know he’s probably going to kill the eel at the end of the movie. There’s also a group of college students who are going to the swamp to see if there are any invasive species, such as the Asian eel. Well, they have hit the jackpot. They meet up with the professor they are interning with, who has a sinister English accent. One by one they are killed. There’s even a unique variation of the “horror movie shower scene”.

Razortooth is better than the majority of the recent killer animal movies, primarily because it has a good sense of humor. And there are not nearly enough killer eel movies.

Re-Animator (1985)

It’s been about a dozen years since I last watched this horror classic and it stand well over time. Jeffrey Combs is whacked as the sociopathic Herbert West-and those hyped up zombies give those in Return of the Living Dead a run for their money. Plus, there’s all that extreme zombie gore, done way before Peter Jackson ever thought of Dead Alive. There’s great characterization and a-such a bumber of an ending. But it works well-and leaves the way open for the sequel, Bride of the Reanimator.

Real Steel (2011)

In the near future boxing is made illegal for humans—so they use human-like robots instead. Charlie Kenton (Hugh Jackman of The Prestige) is a former boxer turned promoter who owes people a lot of money from gambling. And he gets stuck with a son he never knew he had when the kid’s mother dies. So what does he do? He takes the boy on a tour with him after they find a new fighting robot in a junkyard—and it turns out the kid is talented at controlling the robot. There’s also the robot mechanic, Bailey Tallet (Evangeline Lilly of Lost), the father has an interest in.

This is one of those movies about the future that seems like a good idea at first, like Surrogates—but after watching for fifteen minutes it makes no sense that an entire society would instigate the premise (of banning human fighting). Still, Real Steel is entertaining, has excellent special effects, and doesn’t require much thought. It’s Rocky combined with the “Knock-em-Sock-em” Robots.

Reaper, The (2000)

A famous crime writer, Luke Sinclair (Chris Sarandon), goes on retreat to a secluded Maine hotel to battle his writer’s block and finish his newest thriller. His writing is interrupted, however, when a serial killer starts duplicating the killings from his previous novel, The Reaper. Of course, the local police, led by Detective Sony Lehrman (Catherine Mary Stewart) want his help to ‘enter the killer’s mind’ and help stop the killings. But he may be much much closer to the killings than anyone thinks. A decent enough serial-killer movie. Directed by John Bradshaw.

Reaper: Pilot Episode (2007)

In the pilot episode, directed by Kevin Smith, we’re introduced to protagonist Sam, who works at The Work Bench, a Home Depot type store. His friends there are Sock (Tyler Labine) and Ben. There’s also a girl, Andy (Missy Peregrym of Heroes), who h’s had a crush on the past ew years and she is obviously into him. But it’s his 21st birthday and lots of weirdness happens. He moves objects with his hands without touching them and a pack of dogs follows him to work. Then, The Devil appears in the back seat of his car. This is all explained by his parents when he finally returns home (yes, he’s still living at home). Before he was born his father was fatally sick and they made a deal with The Devil to give him their first born on his 21st birthday. And now that time has come. but rather than taking his oul to Hell Lucifer wants him to be Hell’s bounty hunter, returning escaped souls to the netherworld. The first one he has to capture is a fireman from the 50’s who now creates fires and is burning buildings around town. The special effects are impressive. My favorite aspect of the entire episode is the portrayal of Satan by actor Ray Wise (Twin Peaks). I found the majority of the series’ episodes better than this one—and I’m a big fan of the show.

Reaping, The  (2007)

Hillary Swank portrays Katherine, a university professor in Lousiana who disproves miracles. She was an ordained minister, but stopped believing in God five years ago when her husband and daughter were killed in Africa, by the people she was trying to help. A fellow minister calls her with a warning that she’s in danger, as he’s given signs that something is going to happen to her.

After one of her lectures she’s approached by a small town science teacher who says his town needs her help. A boy mysteriously died and the nearby river has turned blood red. What convinces her to go is that he says that the town blames all this on a twelve-year-old girl - and they may do something to her. She goes to the town with an associate and it seems that the river is indeed made of human blood, the fish and frogs are dying and the other biblical ‘Twelve Plagues’ begin to happen. Is the girl responsible? Is she the devil’s child?

This is a really good, Omen type movie, along the lines of The Dark Secret of Harvest Home, The Devil’s Daughter and Satan’s School for Girls, with an A-list cast and a satisfying ending. It is one of the better horror films of the year.

Rec (2009)

This is the original Spanish film which was remade as Quarantine. The movie is virtually identical to the American film and has all the same key images. But, this film is much more intense, primarily because it has more of an authentic documentary feel about it. The rawness lends itself to believability that this is a television crew, rather than seeming like a Hollywood movie that is trying to do so. Also, the actress is cuter and not angst ridden.

The biggest difference is that the ending as to the source of the rabies-like outbreak stems from an enzyme from a demonically possessed girl, which is far creepier than a case of mega-rabies. Unfortunately that girl was locked into the room of the apartment building and when we finally see her she’s quite horrendous looking.

If you haven’t seen Quarantine and are thinking of renting it, don’t. Watch this superior original instead.

Recon 2020 (2007)

For a low-budget this has great special effects and decent production values overall, but the story and acting bring it down quite a bit. The premise is that in the near future an alien race has invaded and uses mankinds’ fears against him, making humans into monsters out of mythology, such as zombies, werewolves and vampires. The aliens are called Ma-hars, ripping off author Edgar Rice Burrough’s Pellucidarian menace.

A group of space marines are sent to a planet filled with ruins and get stranded there when they are attacked. Not only do they have to deal with the monsters, they have to battle another human who has a grudge against the military. Blah blah blah.

The first five minutes consist of a scrolling explanation, accompanied by voice-over, of what’s going on about the alien invasion and the actor nearly gets out of breath. Okay, filmmakers, it was OK when Star Wars did this intro thirty-years ago because it was a novelty, it hadn’t been done, but you can be the first to stop doing it in your next production.

Why is it that all these space-marines look and act like those space marines in the movie Aliens? We’ve seen that movie and it’s far better than your movie, so come up with a different type of soldier. When the soldiers land on the planet and investigate the ruined out buildings there is graffiti over all the walls. Not only are the aliens bent on mankinds’ destruction, they are defacing private property!

Red (2008)

Avery Ludlow (Brian Cox) is fishing down at a lake, accompanied by his old dog Red, when Danny (Noel Fisher) and his two friends come alone. At gunpoint they ask if he has any money and when he replies that he only has a few dollars they shoot his dog, laughing all the time.

Avery wants justice, so he manages to track down who the kid is and goes to his house. He explains everything to the father, Michael McCormack (Tim Sizemore), who then asks Danny if he killed the dog or not. Danny says no and McCormack tells Avery to go away, that his son is innocent. Avery then goes to the police, who won’t do anything, and then to a lawyer. So he starts following Danny around, simply wanting an apology from the kid. A local newspaper reporter (Kim Dickens of Hollow Man) gets wind of the story and wants to help but McCormack pays off the news station to drop the story. Then, the the trio of hoodlums throw stones through Avery’s window and even burn down his grocery store when he won’t drop the issue with his dog.

Red has good acting and a subdued story that steadily escalates into a bloody showdown. The screenplay tones down the backstory, which explains what Avery’s crazy son did to his wife (it’s much worse in the book), but it’s still unsettling. This is down and out the best adaptation of a Jack Ketchum novel.

Red Eye (2005)

This thriller from director Wes Craven is okay, a typical by-the-numbers Hollywood movie that fails to leave any lasting impression. Lisa (Rachel McAdams) is returning to Florida after going to Texas to her grandmother’s funeral. At the airport she meets Jackson Rippner (Cillian Murphy of 28 Days Later, Batman Begins). As they wait for their delayed flight they share a drink. Once on the airplane she finds that she’s seated next to him. A coincidence? He explains that he’s been following her and that she has to make a phone call or that her father will be killed. The phone call is to her work at a hotel, and she’s supposed to change the room of the guy ahead of Homeland Security to another room, where Rippner’s employers will try to assassinate him and his family. The last half hour of the movie takes place on the ground, where she tries to stop this event from happening. I’d say this is Craven’s worst movie since Swamp Thing.

Red Faction: Origins (2011)

This very low budget Syfy movie brings to mind, of course, Total Recall. It’s some forty years after the Mars colonies have declared independence from Earth, which had been treating its inhabitants as slaves for the past few hundred years. The main story is about former freedom fighter Alec (Robert Patrick) who is now an alcoholic since his wife and daughter were killed by allies during the revolution. Jake, his adult son, is now a law enforcer. But during a skirmish with some outlaws Jake sees his sister. She’s been alive and raised by the rebels. I am completely unfamiliar with the video game (gasp!) so I don’t know how this compares. As a sci-fi movie, though, it’s forgettable. And obviously populated by Canadians.

Red Lips (1995)

Caroline (Ghetty Chasun) volunteers for a radical experiment at a free clinic, which turns her into a vampire. She hooks up with Lisa (Michelle Bauer), who eventually finds out about her lover’s unique appetite-and cleans up after her feeding periods. Although production values are crude Chasun has a good screen presence and there’s plenty of gruesome killings with the vampire attacks. Far more interesting than anything released by E.I Cinema’s recent Seduction Cinema (lesbian vampire movies) video line. Directed by Donald Farmer.

Red Midnight (2006)

The newest anthology from producer Joe Zaso (who also stars in one of the segments) is an entertaining excursion into the weird. In the first story a recently widowed man is haunted by a succubus type ghosts. I thought this the weakest of the four stories but it does have the scariest creature. The next story, which reminded me quite a bit of that early Charlie Band movie Mansion of the Doomed, is about a mad scientist who has given his horribly scarred son a new pair of eyes-taken from his mother, no less. The most impressive tale is the one shot in Rome, about an FBI agent who is called by a friend to investigate some strange devil-worship going on in the city. The lead is tailor made for Joe Zaso and it’s one of his best performances. There’s also a twist ending, though while somewhat predictable, works well. The wraparound story concerns a news reporter who is told all these previous stories when she goes to a theater called Red Midnight. Recommended.

Red Mist  (2009)

An emotionally impaired loner, Kenneth (Andrew Lee Potts of Primeval series) has a crush on a female medical student named Catherine (Arielle Kebbel of The Uninvited). While Catherine is nice to him her student friends think he is a freak and taunt him. In fact, they get him drunk one night and ends up going into a coma after they also give him some recreational drugs. They promise to keep all this to themselves or else they’d get expelled from medical school. But in the hospital a doctor gives Kenneth an experimental drug to help get him out of the coma. What this does is enable him to travel out of his body—and get revenge on those who did this to him.

Red Mist is a decent horror film, along the lines of Carrie. It’s basically a 21st Century version of Patrick.

Red Riding Hood (2005)

In this Italian, English speaking movie, a twelve-year-old named Jenny has some very serious psychological problems. She loves to kill people. As soon as her grandmother arrives in Rome to take her back to New York City after her mother presumably abandoned her, we start to see how odd Jenny is. She has an ‘invisible’ friend she calls George, which looks like a guy in a red robe wearing a stylized wolf mask. It’s ‘George’ who does the killings. She targets people who she views as bad, such as a woman stealing a bottle of wine from a store-or her dentist, who is having an affair with his secretary. She feels as if it’s her job to punish them. When she can’t convince her grandmother to stay in Italy, Jenny drugs her with sleeping pills and drills holes in her knees, so she can’t leave the apartment. She also feeds her small amounts of peanut butter, which she is allergic to, and this keeps her mouth swollen so she can’t scream for help. It’s like Misery meets The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane. Surprisingly gory and well-acted, this is definitely a horror movie worth renting.

Red Riding Hood (2011)

This is a rather weird movie, transposing the Grimm Fairy Tale on the Twilight template. In an isolated medieval village surrounded by this thorny trees lives Valerie (Amanda Seyfried of Jennifer’s Body). For generations the villagers have sacrificed animals to the local werewolf, which lives in a nearby cave. Or so they think. Then, for the first time in twenty years, a young girl is slain by the beast. This is Valerie’s sister. A werewolf hunter, Solomon (Gary Oldman) with African warriors, shows up to help rid the town—and tells the story of how he killed his town’s werewolf, which turned out to be his wife. He tells the villagers that the werewolf doesn’t live in that cave— it lives in this very village and is one of them. Solomon is an asshole and needlessly kills the village idiot, so we are rooting for him to be slain, which we know will ultimately happen. We’re also introduced to Valerie’s grandmother(Julie Christie), who we suspect may be the shapeshifter. The lycanthrope here is the four-legged kind and resembles a huge regular wolf. The one thing that sets this werewolf apart from others I’ve seen, is that it talks to Valerie physically. In the first encounter she’s with a friend and the friend only hears growling. But it tells Valerie that it wants her and that she’s just like the beast. This, of course, puzzles her.

As for the Red Riding Hood story, this is all stretched out with this love story aspect she has with a young woodsman, and I’ve seen better versions of the tale in 80’s movies The Company of Wolves and Dead Time Tales. I must say that the identity of the werewolf surprised me, though it shouldn’t have, it was so obvious when it’s revealed.

Red Sands (2009)

This is more of a thematic sequel to the writer/director Alex Turner’s previous movie, Lost Birds, having many of those same elements. However, I’ve already seen this scenario before- a group of soldiers stuck out in the middle of nowhere, some of them going crazy, a body-hopping Djinn possessing them and messing with them, so it seemed somewhat of a retread. Plus, I’m getting somewhat bored with movies taking place in the Middle East. While some of the effects are genuinely creepy, when the shape of the monster is revealed it looks like one of the creatures from a Sci-Fi Channel movie of the week (not good).

Red Water (2003)

This made-for-cable TBS original movie isn’t so original. There are some shark attacks in a Louisiana river by twelve foot long Bull Shark (only shark that can live in fresh water). A swimmer gets killed and a grandfather fishing with his grandson gets pulled overboard. The main character, portrayed by Lou Diamond Phillips (who is the Andrew Stevens of the 21st Century), is an ex oil driller who is reunited with his ex-wife (Kristy Swanson of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Swamp Shark) when she needs him for a new oil drill in Louisiana. He reluctantly agrees to charter out his small fishing boat because he desperately needs the income. There’s also a parallel story of some crooks looking for some cash in a lock box that was thrown into that same river five years before. Both the crooks and the oil people eventually converge, people are killed, the rig explodes, blah blah blah. The movie is waterlogged in stereotypes. Interestingly enough, this is executive produced and co-written by J.D. Feigelson, who had produced and written the classic Dark Night of the Scarecrow. This is not a good movie for the resume!

Red: Werewolf Hunter (2010)

This is a cool idea for a werewolf movie. I’m surprised it hasn’t been utilized before. It begins with the story of “Little Red Riding Hood”, with Hood witnessing the death of her grandmother by a werewolf. However, before the old woman is slain she manages to stab the beast with a silver blade, a blade that will be passed on by her grand daughter through the generations.

In the present day, Virginia Sullivan (Felicia Day of Dollhouse, Eureka), who is a member of the FBI, brings her FBI fiancee, Nathan (Kavan Smith of Eureka), home to meet the family. She has never done this before and wants to tell her lover about what her family does. When she tells him he’s skeptical and walks out into the nearby woods, which isn’t a great idea. He is attacked by a werewolf named Gabriel (Stephen McHattie, who is looking more and more like Lance Henriksen). Nathan is bitten but the wound heals before Virginia and her brothers find him, so they don’t think he’s a werewolf at first. The main crux of the story is how Gabriel is trying to teach the local pack of werewolves that they can transform anytime, not just during the full moon. And also that the hunters have to destroy Gabriel in order for Nathan to revert back to fully human. Unless, of course, Nathan feeds, in which case he’ll stay cursed...

On one hand Red is vaguely like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, though it has more of the serious tone of Supernatural. While the CGI werewolves are a far cry from Underworld, they are leaps better than the lycanthropes on Sanctuary. I also thought it was interesting that these werewolves perish like vampires. When they are stabbed in the heart with silver they burst into flame. Recommended.

Redeemer, The (1978)

At the beginning of the movie we see a wide shot of a canyon lake or river-and a ten year old boy walks out of it, onto a bus and into a nearby city where he goes to a church run by a “fire & brimstone” type preacher. He’s talking about how the Redeemer will punish those who have sinned, et cetera. Then we go to the ten-year high school reunion of the class of ‘67, though only seven of them have shown up. They think it’s a little weird but continue to party and eat the food. When they come across a dead body and realize something very weird is going on they find themselves locked in the old high school, which now has bars on all the doors and windows. One guy is burned to death, a woman shot and another strangled/drowned by the killer, who is then in a clown outfit. It turns out that this guy is indeed the preacher and that his victims (who are probably his former classmates) represent the “Seven Deadly Sins”.

The movie goes back to the church scenario, where we see the preacher talk to the boy. Oh, the preacher also has six fingers, one of which fades away and reappears on that boy, who is presumably Satan or the Angel of Death or something. As this came out before the “Slasher” movie craze of the 80’s-and is very much like those movies-it’s worth checking out, just for its weirdness. The movie is also known as The Redeemer: Son of Satan! and Class Reunion Massacre.

Reeds, The  (2010)

A group of friends from London go on a weekend boating trip in the country but soon become lost in the reeds when they decide to follow another boat and take a detour. There’s also this gang of punks who creeped them out before the trip—and they seem to be following them for some mysterious reason. When night falls they become stuck when a piece of metal punctures the boat’s hull—and shish-kebabs one of the men. They manage to cut the metal shard from the floor with a hacksaw and move him. Yet, if they don’t get him to a hospital soon he’s done for. So one of the other guys runs out onto the reeds towards a source of light he sees in the distance, hoping they can be of assistance. He’s wrong, as he sees it’s that same group of punks. But they aren’t the main danger. There’s a hooded figure who is out hunting them with a shotgun. The punctured guy dies and the boat is attacked. In the confusion a fire is started and two of them are blown to bits. One of the other women, who dived overboard, has her head above water and is horribly burned. Now, this leaves the third woman and the third guy to try to survive. Who are those mysterious kids? And why is that hooded man trying to shoot them all?

First, this film has a great location. It’s isolated, visually interesting and is a great place to place a horror story. It also consists of some not so typical characters (no stupid college kids here). The special effects, while minimal, are quite effective when they do happen, especially the black eyes. While it’s vaguely like an Asian ghost story, in terms of vengeful spirits, is also a lot like the 80’s classic, Nomads.

Reeker (2008)

This is an interesting premise, about a rotting looking killer who goes after people out in the desert. He smells so bad that the air actually shimmers with the stench.

A group of college students share a ride on the way to a big party at “Area 52” and get stranded at a diner. Unfortunately, everyone has vanished at the restaurant and there are lots of animal corpses in the back room, along with some strange-looking weapons. It’s more or less The Hills Have Eyes territory, with a weird twist. This particular twist, which explains why there’s the sudden appearance and disappearance of some characters, why they get no cell or radio reception and why the cars wont’ start, didn’t seem to work at first but after thinking about it a day after viewing, it does make sense, though it’s too much like the movie Identity.

Regeneration (2009)

It’s about two hundred years in the future and most things are relatively low-tech. Dr. Gabriel Goode (Peter Stebbings of Jeremiah, Never Cry Werewolf) is hired to get the daughter of a rich ice miner, Clara a new pair of legs since she was born with mutant stumps. Goode takes a train up North, finds the huge, secluded house that belongs to this eccentric family, the Fielders. He takes the girl’s measurements, then drops the info off at the limb regeneration place, which is a bit unsettling with all these body parts floating in tanks. He asks the lab tech if there’s a place nearby for him to stay since he has to wait until the morning to pick them up. He gets the door slammed in his face—then has a fainting spell, due to his prosthetic heart. The heart is the one organ they haven’t been able to grow and his only other option is a donor transplant, which will probably never happen.

The next day he returns to the Fielder House and performs the operation to attach the legs. He stays a few weeks and makes sure she can walk on them. In the meantime, she’s developing feelings for him. And it’s clear that her father has an incestuous intent towards her. In fact, it’s revealed that she was adopted by Mr. Fielder because she so resembled his dead wife. Now that she has her legs she wants to escape her captive life. But Goode has another heart attack and she wants to literally give him her heart.

Regeneration is a very low-key, engaging movie with minimal effects. It’s a realistic view of the future, a cross between Blade Runner and a Western. This was shot in 2004 as The Limb Salesman.

ReGenesis: Season One (2004)

This Canadian Television series is a lot like The Eleventh Hour. In the first episode Dr. David Sandstrom (Peter Outerbridge of Saw VI) is frantically wandering the streets, making phone calls saying it’s “all his fault” until he’s hit by a car. This incident bookends the entire first season (12 episodes) Then events cut to months earlier, when he’s reunited with his teenaged daughter Lilith (Ellen Page). She shows up unexpectedly at his apartment while he’s having sex. He gets a call to go to work about a new ebola type virus that is killing people, so he can’t stay to chat, and he leaves the daughter there with his girlfriend. Around this time a young boy named Mick approaches him, claiming to be a clone—and that he’s dying because of it. David keeps blowing him off but starts to take him more seriously when he discovers that the kid’s father is a famous geneticist. Lilith, in the meantime, has become friends with him and his story continues to the end of the season and we find out if he’s really a clone or not.

Sandstrom is the chief scientist at the Toronto-based NORBAC facility, which is a virology/micro-biology lab established by the USA, Canada and Mexico. Their job is to counteract any sort of bio-terrorism. He works with a diverse group of people, the most interesting a guy named Bob Melnikov who as Asperger’s Syndrome. He has problems with social skills and has some repetitive behaviors, such as doing things in a certain order. After one of them, Hira, is killed she’s replaced by Jill Langston (Sarah Strange), who Sandstrom develops a relationship with.

The majority of the episodes either deal with manufactured viruses or diseases or ones that have been inadvertently created. NORBAC discovers that the Ebola-like virus, which decimates a path to Toronto, is man-made and that the source of the disease is a baby. At one point Sandstrom thinks he’s been infected and is kept in quarantine.

Then there’s an episode about a fast-acting mad cow-like disease. However, the most potentially dangerous thing they encounter is a resurgence of the Spanish Flu. Sandstrom found a sample of it preserved in the corpse of a miner frozen in the Arctic since 1918 and brings it back the lab to study. Yet somehow the flu begins to infect people around the country. At the end of the first season he quits, thinking he’s indeed responsible. Things are revealed about the characters as the episodes progress. Mayko Nguyen has a brief affair with Sandstrom years ago, when she was his student. Carlos Serrano is gay and Weston Field, who is the manager, is HIV positive, which he got from a prostitute. The strongest character, next to Sandstrom, is Caroline Morrison (Maxim Roy of Defying Gravity), who is the government liaison.

ReGenesis has interesting stories, great characterization and is plausible. And although it’s a Canadian series it’s not in any way lacking. One of the best television series of the past twenty years, period.

ReGenesis: Season Two (2005)

The second season of this show begins six weeks after the first season finale, with Dr. David Sandstrom MIA. He’s in China, feeling guilty from the events he believes he was responsible for. However, the Chinese government kidnaps him and puts him with other scientists, to find out what’s killing their soldiers. He manages to communicate with his agency in Toronto, NORBAC. He figures out that what’s killing them is an ancient form of bacteria. Afterwards, when the Chinese let him go, he returns back to work.

Other episodes involve a new strain of HIV and prion infections that seem to make children more intelligent before it kills them. On a trip to New York City where he’s attending a conference, David befriends a sixteen-year old homeless kid who eventually turns up at his doorstep in Toronto. He tries to help him but the kid is a compulsive liar, thief and drug addict, which actually has to do with his genetics. When him and a girl do some drugs she overdoses and he dumps her body at the hospital. Later he’s caught and held responsible for her death. He doesn’t want to be how he is so he volunteers for a new experiment that will correct some of that genetic behavior—only it ends up turning him into a near-vegetable much to Sandstrom’s dismay, since he didn’t want the kid to become a guinea pig. In another story, a man is convinced his son is becoming sick from a mutant fish they ate, but it turns out to be that everyone in that small town is genetically related to each other. One of the more interesting stories, Gene in a Bottle, is about an increase in suicides in Arkansas, which has everyone puzzled. It has to do with a strange worm parasite the people contracted and is like an episode of X-Files. Sandstrom’s mother also dies and he goes back to visit his father, who has Alzheimer’s and can’t care for himself. In the last episode of the season someone sets a bomb off in the middle of the facility and we’re left hanging as to which characters live or die.

Reign in Darkness (2002)

In this Australian vampire movie a wimpy scientist is exposed to a virus he has bio-engineered and becomes, for all practical purposes, a vampire. The shot-on-video movie has great production values (that title sequence is great!) and looks really good but the acting is so-so, the story a bit convoluted. I felt like I’ve already seen this movie.

Relentless 4: Ashes to Ashes (1994)

Detective Sam Dietz (Leo Rossi) is after another serial killer, who is somehow connected to a woman psychiatrist (Famke Janssen of X-Men, 100 Feet). The victims are all her clients and they are all killed in a ceremonial fashion. Dietz also has a new woman partner who likes him as more than a partner, though he’s more interested in getting to know the psychiatrist. He’s also having issues as a single father raising his son, which is stereotypical for these types of police dramas. Part 4 here is my least favorite of the Relentless series. This movie does show, however, how much Janssen has improved as an actress the past decade.

Remake, The (2006)

There are movies that are either A) They are so bad they are good (Robot Monster, From Hell It Came) B) they are intentionally bad, as in a spoof (Scary Movie franchise, Lost Skeleton of Cadavra) C) those that are simply bad, and D) those that are embarrassingly bad, as to be terrible.

Many independent movies are written by the producer or director because A) they know how to write and wisely use their talents B) know that they can’t write so they get a good scriptwriter or acquire a good script C) they think they can write because they are making a movie D) think they can write-and think they are also cleverly making biting social/film commentary.

Independent movies are always filled with “unknown” actors, which can be both good and bad. Some producers A) accurately choose actors who can not only convincingly act but look the parts they are portraying B) have to settle for the best with who they can find in their area C) blindfold themselves and randomly choose people from the phone book.

Given all this, I give The Remake a D,D and C. My biggest problem (other than all of the above) is that these characters are supposed to be remaking some “Classic” slasher movie from the 80’s, comparable to Halloween or Friday the 13th. Yet this fictional crew, including the director and the actors, decide to camp out in location in small tents and show up without any film or video equipment. How are they making the movie?

Replicant (2001)

In order to catch an elusive serial killer known as ‘The Torch’ a secret government agency decides to test their new replicant project and clones the killer, hoping that the replicant will lead them to the original. They enlist the aid of a retired detective (Michael Rooker)who the serial killer keeps in contact with. Jean Claude Van Damme puts in a good performance as the serial killer/replicant, there are some great action sequences and the first half hour of the movie is very intriguing. Unfortunately the movie turns into a predictable thriller which makes you think that the title doesn’t refer to the main character so much as it does to the plot.

Repo Men (2010)

In order to catch an elusive serial killer known as ‘The Torch’ a secret government agency decides to test their new replicant project and clones the killer, hoping that the replicant will lead them to the original. They enlist the aid of a retired detective (Michael Rooker)who the serial killer keeps in contact with. Jean Claude Van Damme puts in a good performance as the serial killer/replicant, there are some great action sequences and the first half hour of the movie is very intriguing. Unfortunately the movie turns into a predictable thriller which makes you think that the title doesn’t refer to the main character so much as it does to the plot.

Repo! The Genetic Opera (2009)

This is an interesting post-apocalyptic tale, set about fifty years from now after there’s been a plague of organ failures during which millions died. A company named GeneCo

has created a niche market by supplying organs at reasonable prices. But if you can’t pay, they’ll send out someone to repossess your kidney. Oh, and it’s a musical. The characters sing all of their lines, like The Umbrellas of Cherburg.

The leads are amazing. Anthony Stewart Head is Nathan, a doctor who is single-handedly raising his 17 year old daughter, Shilo (Alexa Vega). She has a blood disease, inherited from her mother. Paul Sorvino gives a suitably slimy performance as Rotti Largo, the head of GeneCo, the man responsible for Nathan becoming an organ Repo Man. The movie also features one of the best performances of Paris Hilton’s life. Plus, there’s a Joan Jett cameo that happens during a dream sequence! Repo! works on several levels—as a musical, a horror movie and a social satire—and is extremely entertaining. I believe it is The Rocky Horror Picture Show of the 21st Century.

Requiem for a Dream (2000)

This movie is exactly what I thought it would be-dark, depressing and ‘so what?’. Basically, a character study of five different individuals affected by the different drugs they are addicted to. We see them getting high, being happy, then slowly degenerating. There are some horrific scenes, such as when Ellen Burstyn starts hallucinating from taking too much speed and her refrigerator starts moving around-and later on, when a heroin addict’s needle arm gets EXTREMELY infected and rotted looking. Yet, it isn’t like this movie is anything new. I haven’t seen this director’s first movie, ‘Pi’ yet, and it makes me reluctant to do so...

Resident Evil (2002)

This was much much better than I thought it would be. Although I’ve never played the game, so I was unfamiliar with the characters and scenarios, it still comes off as a well-paced, creepy zombie movie. A lethal virus, which brings the dead back to life, is released in a secret underground lab and it’s up to that company’s secret task force to go in and find out what happened. It seems as if the computer, ‘The Red Queen’ has taken on a mind of its own and sealed all 500 workers to their deaths. One by one the task force is eliminated by lazers, zombies and weird mutant creatures. In fact, this is the creepiest movie released so far this year.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)

I liked this sequel about 25% as I enjoyed the first movie. The biggest problem I had with it is that it simply felt flat and was WAY too cartoonish with all those hokey supporting characters (particularly the female special operative). This entire city, taken over by zombies spawned from a new virus, is sealed off from the rest of the world by the Umbrella Corporation. Do we care? No. So then the viewer has to endure the final hour of the movie (and it’s only 90 minutes total), during which time there’s this other experiment called ‘Nemesis’, which starts using all the trapped special operatives as target practice. This creature looks like what would happen if the Hulk was turned into a Cenobite (not as cool as it sounds).It seems like there are not one but several endings...just when you think it’s time to finally hit that restroom another scene started. I cannot wait for the next Resident Evil movie. Yeah.

Resident Evil: Extinction (2007)

It’s five years after the end of the first movie and the T-Virus, in addition to making 99% of the population into flesh-eating zombies, has also made the Earth a barren wasteland. Alice (Milla Jovovich) reunites with Carlos (Oded Fehr), who is travelling with a survival convoy led by Claire (Heroes’ Ali Larter). She saves them just in time, when they are attacked by a huge flock of highly aggressive crows that have feed on contaminated flesh. Alice has the idea that there’s survivors - and quality of life - up in Alaska, and ultimately convinces the group that that is the place to go. But before they do they have to refuel and the only place left to do that is Las Vegas.

Meanwhile, Dr. Isaacs (Iain Glen) of The Umbrella Corporation has gone completely over the deep end at his research facility miles below the desert. He’s been experimenting on clones of Alice, trying to reverse the T-Virus. He also creates a virus that makes zombies even more aggressive, which makes for one harrowing zombie attack scene.

Of the trilogy I like this one the best, as it’s straight-forward, interesting and has non-stop action. It’s probably what Romero’s Land of the Dead should’ve been (although I do like that movie), a kick-ass zombie apocalypse movie. Director Russell Mulcahy gets a pat on the back for this one. But I have one question - what do you call all those Alice clones? Alices? Alice? Ali?

Resident Evil: Degeneration (2009)

The events take place years after the theatrical movie Resident Evil: Apocalypse and before Resident Evil: Extinction. The main character is Claire Redfield, who is a part of special forces to stop the zombie contagion. She pairs up with Leon Kennedy to investigate WilPharma, a pharmaceutical company which claims they are developing a cure for that plague. However, they are developing something very much the opposite. Things get complicated when Claire discovers that her brother is part of a terrorist group—and he becomes infected with a form of the virus, which mutates him into this really nasty creature with a giant eyeball.

The computer animation took me a bit to get used to, though the zombies are creepy and that whole opening scene that takes place with zombies overrunning the airport is impressive, as is the whole battle at the end with the mutant creature.

This was good but I prefer the live-action movies.

Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010)

The first fifteen minutes of this 3-D movie finishes the cliffhangers from the third movie, Extinction, with Alice’s super-powered clones destroying the Japanese branch of the Umbrella Corporation. She shows up trying to kill the leader, Albert Wesker, of that section and he injects a shot that neutralizes her superpowers from the T-cells. They then crash into the side of a mountain, though both survive. After this the story goes to Alice flying a plane to Alaska. She’s looking for a safe-haven called Arcadia, where the survivors from the last movie went. But when she gets there she just finds abandoned planes and their helicopter. Until she’s attacked by a wild-haired woman that turns out to be Claire Redfield with memory loss. This weird spider-like device is attached to her chest. They both go in the plane back to Los Angeles and land on top of a prison where there are still survivors. Thousands of zombies are outside, trying to get in. It’s there that Alice and Claire meet up with Claire’s brother, Chris (Wentworth Miller of Dinotopia) who claims to know a way out. Only this armored vehicle is missing its engine so they have to find another way out, which happens to be an underground tunnel some zombie mutants created. They do manage to escape, just in time, and make it to a nearby ship which turns out to be named Arcadia. When they get there it seems abandoned but all the two-thousand people are in some type of stasis, to be experimented on. And yes, Wesker is there, waiting for Alice since he needs her DNA to survive.

I didn’t enjoy this movie as much as RE: Extinction, but it does have some cool special effects and the 3-D is amazing.

Resident Evil: Redemption (2012)

This begins where the previous movie left off, with the Umbrella Corporation troops converging on the massive ship Alice found herself stranded upon. She’s captured and wakes up in a suburban home. She’s married and has a young daughter. They are attacked by zombies. Alice discovers she’s in an underwater testing facility that has recreated various urban scenarios—and it’s filled with the different sorts of zombies. It’s also populated by characters Alice has met in the previous movies—clones that are used for test fodder. This gives an excuse to have such actors as Michelle Rodriguez and Oded Fehr reprise their roles from the earlier installments. From the outside world a team is sent to rescue her while inside, the computer program, The Red Queen, send a mind-controlled Jill Valentine (Resident Evil: Apocalypse) to hunt her down. I didn’t mind this sequel. It’s clever enough that it’s not irritating.

Resident, The (2011)

This is one of the better and more disturbing stalker movies I’ve seen. Juliet Devereau (Hilary Swank) is a NYC doctor who has recently broken up with her boyfriend who had cheated on her. So she answers an ad for an apartment and the owner of the building, Max, calls her back. She takes a look at it and he immediately says she has the place, which is a little weird. Also in the building is his creepy grandfather, August (Christopher Lee), who alludes that something is up with his grandson. As the movie progresses we realize that Max has really been stalking her and is obsessed. They become friendly at one point and make out but she realizes it’s a mistake. But he wants it to continue. Then she begins waking up late for her work, feeling as if she were drugged. Well, yes, she was drugged. She installs hidden cameras in her apartment and finds out what the guy has been up to—and it’s terrible.

This is a very intense, creepy character study. In a side-note, Swank and Morgan were in the romantic comedy, P.S. I Love You several years ago. Least to say, the relationship in this movie is very different.

Resurrection (1999)

From the director of Highlander, Russell Mulcahy, comes perhaps his best movie SINCE he directed that first Highlander. A new serial killer is loose on the streets of Chicago, a killer who takes a body part from each of his victims, and it’s up to Christopher Lambert to hunt him down. Although obviously inspired by movies like Seven, this is a fairly suspenseful movie with good performances, a decent script and some really gory effects. As serial killer movies go it’s a good one.

Resurrection Game, The (2009)

A woman recounts her encounter with a zombie in a graveyard, a flashback in black and white, in a homage to Night of the Living Dead. Once that’s out of the way, we go to the main story, a year later, about ex-cop James Campbell. He’s hired by a horror author and will be paid one million dollars to find a cure. He believes that Dr. Emily Zarkov’s cancer treatment research from years ago may be responsible for the zombie contagion.

Are zombies a threat to humanity? They are much more of a nuisance. In one scene a dead guy comes up to the window of James’ place and he simply pushes it away and shuts his window. In another, a frustrated reporter keeps on being interrupted by all the dead people walking around her. She has a shit fit. And there is the National Organization of Zombie Exterminators. Debbie Rochon is their spokesperson in the television commercials. The funniest thing, though, is talk show host Necro Phil, who is this zombie puppet guy. James and Dr. Zarkov run into some other zombie hunters (producers Amy Lynn Best and Mike Watt), who have this entertaining fight scene. They all discover that the zombies are being turned into controllable killing machines via implants, which makes them much more dangerous than they already are.

If you’re looking for a typical zombie movie Resurrection Game is not it it. It uses the zombie scenario as a springboard, then goes off in various directions, combining film noir, action and comedy to create a unique horror film. Recommended.

Retreat (2011)

Martin (Cillian Murphy of 28 Days Later) and Kate (Thandie Newton of The Chronicles of Riddick) , who are having some serious troubles with their marriage, return to an isolated island cottage in hopes of reconciling. There’s definitely a big rift between the two and she simply wants to write in her diary instead of talking to her husband. Then, their generator stops working. They call, on the radio,for the handyman to come out but there’s no answer. Then, while walking around the island, find an unconscious injured soldier. They bring him back to the cottage. When he awakens he tells them that an apocalyptic virus is killing everyone in Europe and that they have to barricade themselves inside. They can’t leave or let anyone inside without risk of getting infected. The disease is 100% fatal. But the soldier begins to act strangely and the couple questions if there’s really a threat at all—or if the guy is simply crazy and keeping them prisoner.

For a movie with only several characters and one main location it never gets boring or makes you want to fast-forward the film, primarily to the credit of the writing and the actors. Retreat is along the lines of Dead Calm and keeps you guessing as to what’s going on until the end.

Retro-Puppet Master (2001)

This is one of the better Puppet Master movies, this time another prequel telling how Andre Toulon first acquired the power to animate those puppets. It has to do with an ancient Egyptian sorcerer,Who is being chased by these mummies resurrected by an ancient Egyptian god. This particular god is pissed with the sorcerer for having stolen he secret of life. The movie starts with the older Toulon talking to his puppets, explaining how it all started-then goes to 1902, when he’s a young puppeteer practicing his craft in Paris. There, he meets his young wife-to-be, and befriends the sorcerer, who is dying. But before he dies he entrusts his secret to Toulon. The cool thing about this movie are the mummies. Since the trio can’t very well travel around in their gray wrappings, they’ve discarded them and instead wear long trench coats and derby’s, resembling those creepy characters from the movie Dark City. They’re more like zombies with reverberating voices than mummies. Toulon, now having the power to put the life force into his creepy looking puppets, uses them to defeat these creatures who are now trying to destroy him.

Return in Red (2007)

This is a very slow moving movie, but by the time you get to the end you realize why the director chose to do it. It does work. Shot in 16mm film, it actually looks fuzzier and cheaper than something shot on digital video, which was probably not the intention. What this does, though, is make it seem as if this is a movie shot in the 1970’s - one those government doing clandestine deadly experiments on the American populace. The premise is that someone is doing sound-wave experiments on a small Indiana town, which makes people go crazy and kill themselves. We’re given no explanation, other than in some voice-overs, but that’s okay. It lends to the unease of the situation. The special makeup effects at the end, particularly the guy getting his head caved in by a forklift, are gruesome and realistic. Return in Red is worth checking out.

Return of Bigfoot, The (1975)

Here, Six-Million Dollar Man Steve Austin is returned his memory of what happened a year earlier in order to stop a renegade faction of the aliens who want wealth and power on Earth. They’ve stolen Bigfoot and are having him steal supplies for them. The way they are able to control him is to tell him that they’ll hurt Shalon, his creator, if he doesn’t obey. They have also increased Sasquatch’s power-and in a battle he seriously injures the Six Million Dollar man, rupturing the nuclear devices in his legs and exposing him to lethal amounts of radiation. But there is a way for the Bionic Woman to save her friend’s life. The renegade aliens had stolen all of their group’s miracle drug when they took off and if she’s able to get his it will cure Steve’s radiation sickness. So it’s up to her to stop the bad aliens, convince Bigfoot to be on her side and save the Six Million Dollar man. Of course, all of this does indeed come true. I must say, though, that Ted Cassidy’s Sasquatch is much much more threatening looking than that of Andre the Giant, who portrayed him in The Secret of Bigfoot.

Return of Captain Nemo, The (1978)

Jose Ferrer portrays the pompous Captain who is awakened from his frozen sleep by two Navy guys. The villain is a crazy scientist bent on world domination, Dr. Waldo Cunningham (Burgess Meredith), who has his own sub called the Raven, crewed by henchmen and robots. His main robot is Tor, this Frankenstein looking thing who constantly has something to say.

This was shown as one of the first mini-series, back in the late seventies, but it’s really three episodes. Actress Lynda Day George (Day of the Animals) shows up in the second episode at Kate, and she becomes a new crew member by the end of the episode. In the third episode Captain Nemo finds the lost continent of Atlantis and a civilization that has burrowed beneath the ocean floor.

This doesn’t have the charm of any of Irwin Allen’s previous television series. It’s a pale imitation of Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea and seems more like some episodes of Man from Atlantis than anything else.

Return of Count Yorga, The (1971)

Count Yorga (Robert Quarry) has moved into a big mansion that’s next to an orphanage. In the first scene a young boy is attacked by vampire women who emerge from their graves. It looks as if he’s killed but he soon shows up afterwards, unharmed. But he’s hypnotized and does Yorga’s bidding, as we find out later. Yorga has his sights on Cynthia Nelson (Mariette Hartley), who he has fallen in love with, and wants to make her his wife. In a weird scene where she’s staying with her family, they are attacked by vampires and the memory is erased from her mind. She awakens in Yorga’s mansion, in different clothes,and told that she’s recovering from a car accident. She doesn’t question this. A deaf woman who works at the orphanage had seen the slaughtered bodies afterwards and calls the police, though they don’t believe her at first. One of the detectives, who has in interest in Cynthia, starts an investigation of his own and comes to the conclusion that the Count may indeed be a vampire.

This is one of those cases where the sequel is better than the original. Yorga’s coven of vampire women are horrendous looking and creepy, the opposite of what you’d expect. And when he is about to bite someone his complexion goes all pasty and he has a mouthful of sharp teeth, not the typical vampire fangs. I also liked that the movie has a good sense of humor about it, especially the vampire expert scene in which he exclaims he “wants nothing to do with yoga, he got stuck in in the lotus position”. Most of all, I like the unhappy twist ending. I wasn’t expecting that. Recommended.

Return of Dracula (1958)

The Count, fleeing to the U.S. from his own country, takes residence with some relatives (actually, people who think he’s related to them). They think nothing of his strange ways, like staying inside during the day, his disappearances (to a nearby abandoned mine-shaft where he keeps his coffins) or lack of appetite. He tries converting one of his young female ‘cousins’ to vampirism but she’s rescued just in time. Dracula falls into a pit in the mine-shaft, impaled on a wooden board.

Return of the Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman, The (1987)

Lee Majors and Lindsay Wagner reprise their roles as Col. Steve Austin and Jaime Sommers. It’s been ten years since the series ended and Steve Austin had retired from OSI to run a fishing charter boat, which he owns. Jaime Sommers, sporting a weird 80’s “Flock of Seagulls” hairdo, is working as a therapist. Oscar Goldman convinces the two of them to work together, to help stop a terrorist organization led by Martin Landau.

It’s revealed that Steve has a kid from a brief marriage he told no one about (the writers pulled that one out of their asses). The twenty-three year old, Michael Austin, is graduating from the Airforce. On his first flight afterwards, he crashes and loses an arm, two legs and an eye. Before you can say the word cybernetic Steve convinces Oscar Goldman to give his son bionic replacements. These bionics are much more advanced and the young Austin can run faster than the two older models. He can also shoot a laser beam out of his eye. This incident gives father and son lots of time to bond.

It was interesting seeing this, as I watched those two shows as a kid, but it’s a typical television reunion movie that doesn’t offer much.

Return of the Fly (1958)

Right off the bat this is an inferior sequel. The first one, a classic, was shot in color-this one is in black and white. Secondly, the son of the scientist, who is trying to repeat his father’s experiment of teleportation, is not a likeable character.The movie starts with the funeral of his mother and we’re immediately reintroduced to his uncle, played by Vincent Price (who really hams it up this time around). Price doesn’t want to support his nephew in his endeavor but is basically blackmailed into helping him. Compounded to this is the fact that the nephew has a criminal partner, who ends up locking him in the teleporter, on purpose, with a fly. You guessed it, like father like son. The fly headed monster gets his revenge by killing the crafty partner and is eventually reunited with his human parts. Much more interesting is the third Fly movie, Curse of the Fly.

Return of the Incredible Hulk, The (1988)

It’s been two years since the last time David Banner has transformed into the green goliath. During this time he’s been dating a good looking woman scientist and has been working at a scientific lab constructing a device called the Gamma Transponder. This would be a new source of energy. What people don’t know is that it is also the means to cure him of The Hulk. One night he decides to go for it and see if it will indeed cure him. But it’s interrupted by an intruder named Donald Blake, who was one of Banner’s former students. Blake tells banner about his problem-how he found an ancient viking grave on an archeological expedition in Norway and how he can summon this guy named THOR, an ancient viking. Instead of actually becoming Thor, as in the comic book, Blake here just summons him and then seems like a wimpy sidekick to the viking. This does not work too well. Blake, who looks like Andy Dick, is too much of a wuss. The actor who plays Thor, on the other hand, is well cast and looks the part. When I first saw this movie sixteen years ago I thought it extremely goofy-but it definitely improved over time. The Hulk is more ferocious than in the series and they made him appear larger in size. And Bixby always does a great Banner.

Return of the Living Dead (1985)

I must have seen this movie over twenty times in the past 26 years and I never get tired of it, finding it as funny and creepy as the very first time I watched it in a theater. For those of you who haven’t seen this (shame on you), it’s about Freddy (Tom Mathews) who has begun a new job at the Oneida Medical Supply Company. His boss, Frank (James Karen of Frankenstein vs. the Space Monster) tells him a story about how canisters of zombies are stored down in the basement. Freddy doesn’t believe him, until he’s shown the containers and sees the corpse within. However, it leaks and sprays gas in their face. The mist escapes into other parts of the building and reanimates the dead butterflies and the cadaver in the freezer. When Frank wakes up and sees all of this, ill, he calls his boss Burt (Clu Gulager) about the mishap and they decide to burn the cadaver at a nearby funeral home. Only the smoke interacts with the clouds and it begins to rain down that same chemical. Then, we go to Freddy’s punked out friends who are on their way to meet him after work. They decide to kill some time in the nearby graveyard and one of them (Linnea Quigley) dances around naked while fantasizing about being devoured by old men (a foreshadowing, for sure!). While there, it begins to rain and the corpses start reanimating.

There are lots of over-the-top performances, particularly by James Karen and Tom Mathews (who sort of reprise these roles in Return of the Living Dead Part II), some decent special effects such as a half-hag corpse that explains she needs to eat brains in order to make the pain of death go away. And, of course, there’s the “Tar Man”, the creature that came from that first unlocked container.  I believe this is the very first time we’re introduced to “fast zombies”, which really weren’t used again in a movie until 28 Days Later and Zack Snyder’s Dawn of the Dead remake. Return of the Living Dead also started the whole thing with zombies wanting to eat brains...and the sub-genre has never been the same.

Return of the Living Dead 4: Necropolis (2005)

A mad scientist (Peter Coyote in his worst role/performance ever) goes to Chernobyl to find some hidden containers which contain the reanimation gas that brings back the zombies. He’s working on a project called Necropolis and it has to do with them making some type of super soldier out of the zombies.The main guy character, who has this mad scientist as his uncle and legal guardian, finds out that his parents, who presumably died a year before, are subjects in the experiments.He discovers this out when he and a bunch of his friends break into the facility to rescue one of their friends, who is going to be experimented on.Lines are liberally stolen from the very first movie such as a zombie calling on a radio ‘Bring more security guards’. The zombies are easily dispatched with a shot to the head-which makes no sense, since the zombies in the previous three films still moved around if their heads were cut off. In fact, there’s one scene where Coyote reanimates just a dead arm. This, by far, is one of the worst zombie movies to date-making Return of the Living Dead II not look so bad after all. This sequel is a HUGE disappointment and should have the title RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD: CRAP. I dread viewing the directors sequel, RLD: RAVE TO THE GRAVE...

Return of the Living Dead 5: Rave to the Grave (2005)

This is another abysmal sequel, brought to you by the same people who did ROTLD 4:
Necropolis. The movie begins with how the last one ended, with Peter Coyote driving a canister of the gas in a pickup truck. Eventually, it ends up on the hands of some college kids who, after analyzing what the green substance is made from, decide that it’s almost like the drug ecstasy. The first person who ingests the drug doesn’t immediately have a bad reaction so they think it’s safe. Then they start putting it into pills and selling it, turning the entire campus into zombies who want to eat brains. I think they’ve eaten the filmmakers’ brains as well as this is one of the dumbest, unnecessary zombie movies I’ve ever seen.

Return to the Cabin by the Lake (2001)

Judd Nelson returns as insane screenwriter Stanley Caldwell, this time infiltrating a movie set that is shooting his last script, Cabin by the Lake. He simply wants to make sure it is done right. But he must kill the director, some actresses and extras along the way. Will nearly everyone eliminated he ends up directing the end of the movie—but this is interrupted and Stanley is almost electrocuted to death. Not as entertaining as the first movie.

Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007)

This is a decent sequel, primarily because it goes in a completely different direction than the first movie. Ariel (Amanda Righetti of Friday the 13th remake), the sister of Sara Wolfe (Ali Larter) keeps on getting frantic phone calls from her sister until she dies, an apparent suicide. In truth, she was killed by some treasure hunters, who believe that a rare, priceless statue is hidden somewhere within the bowels of the House on Haunted Hill. This is the idol of Baphomet. A college professor and two of his assistants are also in search of the statue. Both groups end up at the old asylum and get picked off one by one by the insane ghostly inhabitants. Among them, of course, is Dr. Vannacutt (Jeffrey Combs) who does some very gory work. In fact, it’s revealed that the evil Baphomet statue may be responsible from Vannacutt’s transforming from a humanitarian into a crazed butcher. Hopefully this will continue to be a decent enough series.

Return to Salem’s Lot, A (1983)

Vaguely based on the story by Stephen King, Larry Cohen’s Sequel has similar elements from the first movie, though goes in an entirely different direction with the vampires. Casting against type, Michael Moriarity (Q, Island of the Alive) is a hard, explorer type who goes back to the States to reconnect with his son. They go to a small town in Maine where he grew up but the town is inhabited by the vampires.

Rather than being transformed humans, they are more a separate species and breed with the humans to produce passive slave-servants who protect them during the day. There’s a leader vampire, who transforms into a Nosferatu-type creature when he transforms (very rubbery looking, though) and in the end there’s the obligatory fire that kills them. The movie is not nearly as entertaining as Cohen’s movie, Q.

Return to Sleepaway Camp (2008)

This really does have the feel of the first movie, along with some gruesome killings that’ll make you cringe. The only problem is with the mean practical jokes, the over-the-top killings it’s a torturous ordeal to watch and I wasn’t in the mood for torturous. The main character, Alan is this sort of bipolar teen who alternates between being an asshole bully to being a pathetic loser and the kid who portrays him is a good actor. My biggest problem, however, is the big “surprise” at the end which you can guess five minutes into the movie when a certain character appears, who is clearly not what he’s supposed to be. I much preferred Sleepaway Camp  2 and 3, as they are far more entertaining.

Return to the Planet of the Apes (1976)

The story line and scripts are good and fit in with the mythos of POTA but the animation sucks. Individual frames look good, like a painting, but it’s minimal animation here folks, on par with those 60’s animated Marvel Superhero cartoons.

A trio of astronauts, one blonde, one African American and one white woman, crash land on Earth’s future, in which the apes rule. Unlike the live-action movies, the Ape City has electricity and they drive vehicles. A few episode center around the Gorilla General who uncovers an old aircraft and wants to use that to kill off the remaining humans. The humans, more like cavemen, are referred to as ‘humanoids’. Zira, Cornelius and Zira exist here. There are also the Under-dwellers, human mutants who have technology and live underground in the Forbidden Zone. They abduct the woman astronaut, who they worship as a sort of diety. The reason is that they have a bust of her head from thousands of years ago, which says USA, so that’s what they call her. There are also giant mutated animals— sea serpent in the lake where their rocket crash lands, a giant Kong-like ape that lives high atop a mountain, and a flying lizard-like reptile.

For Planet of the Apes completists this is a must but the book novelizations of this series (3 books by William Arrow) are much better.

Return, The  (2006)

This is a slow-paced, moody supernatural thriller with a depressing, troubled lead character (a brunette Sarah Michelle Gellar) and a decent script, though the “surprise” revelation at the end is totally given away by the movie’s title. If you liked last year’s Dark Water remake with Jennifer Connelly then you will enjoy this movie, as it has the same feel to it. I recommend it.

Returner  (2004)

In 2084 aliens are on the verge of exterminating the last remnant of mankind, who are hiding out in the mountains in Tibet. But just before they do so a young woman jumps through a time portal and ends up in 2002, three days before the first alien is to land on Earth. Her mission is to kill the first alien. When she first appears she’s on a docked ship and caught in the crossfire between a vigilante and some bad guys. The vigilante kills everyone except the leader he’s after and he ends up taking the girl home, as she’s an innocent. She coerces him into helping her by placing this small explosive device on his neck-and he goes along with it, finally convinced what she says is real when he sees the alien. Eventually they realize that all is not as it seems-and the aliens might not be the real enemy after all. There is plenty of violent action, time paradoxes and quirky characters. Part Terminator, part Independence Day, Returner is familiar territory but done in such a way that you don’t mind.

ReVamped (2008)

This is an entertaining vampire movie that takes its cues from such past fare as the Hammer Dracula movies to Buffy the Vampire Slayer and even A Return to Salem’s Lot, while at the same time creating its own particular vampire mythos. And written, produced, and directed by, not to mention starring, Jeff Rector, that is no small feat. The guy knows and loves his genre and it shows.

After he finds out that his new wife has been cheating on him he decides to commit suicide but instead opts for becoming a vampire after seeing an add on late-night television. A vampiress, Lilith, comes over to transform him and he dies. Unfortunately, before he can rise as a vampire his cheating wife has him cremated. Five years pass until an accident happens that mixes his ashes with blood and he returns to a much different world. There has been a war against the vampires and he has to figure out where he belongs. He befriends a group of half-breeds, who have the desire to drink blood but aren’t immortal.

There’s lots of cameos by name actors, from Martin Kove to Anne Lockhart to Bill Drago to Carel Struycken and Sam Jones. Best of all is Tane McClure as Lilith, who makes a damn good vampiress with a heart. ReVamped is a fun genre movie which successfully treads the line of being entertaining without being a spoof.

Revelation (2003)

If you like the Omen movies then this is right up your alley. A Roman soldier (Udo Kier) is shown driving his spear into Jesus. Then, skip two thousand years to the present. A young man reconciles with his billionaire father, who wants him to decode the writing on an ancient artifact. Yet another group of people, the Masons, want the secret of the artifact as well. Their leader happens to be that same Roman soldier, who cannot die. He’s shown in various flashbacks through the ages. What it turns out to be is the blood of Jesus, preserved on the nails. The Masons want to clone him, then slightly change his DNA in order to make him the anti-Christ. I can’t really tell any more without spoiling the ending-but it is a well thought out, complicated story. If you miss five minutes you’ll be scratching your head wondering what the hell is going on.A good end of the world type movie.

Revelation 22:22 (2004)

This independent horror film, written/directed/produced by Jerry Orzel, is a decent zombie outing, complete with quirky characters and a pervading sense of doom. The movie starts with several different stories going on, which all eventually connect. First, there’s Bob, a policeman who is finally taking a long deserved vacation. Then, an interracial couple having car problems. And finally, a group of five criminals, known as the ‘Fab Five’ who go about committing crimes-and ruthlessly kill people who get in their way. All these people eventually end up stranded at an abandoned gas station where they are besieged by zombies. They take cover inside the gas station, which has its windows boarded up, and basically wait it out. But conflicts arise and some deaths occur. Will they be able to get one of the cars working and escape. And if they escape, where to? Is the entire world overrun by the living dead.I wished that the movie got off to a quicker start and that it was more evident this was going to be a zombie movie but I think the filmmaker was trying to emulate FROM DUSK TIL DAWN, where the crime movie veered off into a horror film halfway through. And a touch more gore wouldn’t have been a bad thing. Anyways, what I liked most about this movie is that it reminded very much of a 70’s zombie flick, more towards the Italian than Romero spectrum. It’s a downer-but in a good way. The production value is good, with lots of extras as zombies roaming about the countryside, a great location and serviceable actors. I didn’t even mind all the ‘day for night’ shots, they worked.

Revelations (2005)

This is a severely anticlimactic mini-series about ‘The End of Days’. Bill Pullman is College Professor Massey, whose daughter was killed by a notorious Satanist (Michael Massee of The Crow) named Hayden. Hayden is already caught when the movie starts and we learn about this event through some flashbacks. Massey is soon contacted by a hot looking nun, Sister Jo (Natasha McElhone of Feardotcom, Solaris), who believes that it is soon to be ‘The End of Days’, when both Christ and the anti-Christ are born and humanity all but destroyed. Rather than have large, apocalyptic type world-wide events happen, things happen on a much smaller scale, mostly involving the Professor and the nun. Hayden escapes from prison and kidnaps Massey’s son this time. There’s this whole needless-and uninteresting subplot about Hayden’s followers brainwashing the teenager, which probably kills at least an hour of this mini-series. The strangest special effects are when Hayden regrows an amputated finger and when the Anti-Christ is born from a black goat. It’s hard to believe that David Seltzer, the writer/director responsible for The Omen trilogy, came up with this lame fiasco. There’s no sense of immediacy, no horror and very little supernatural goings-on. Worse, there’s no resolution and the open ending leaves this wide open for a possible series that will probably be even more unsatisfying.

Revenant, The (2009)

A soldier, Bart Gregory (David Anders of Alias, Heroes),  gets shot in the head in Iraq when he thinks he runs over a small child on a desert road. His corpse is shipped back to Los Angeles for his funeral. But before they bury him in the ground he awakens, an obvious zombie, and goes to his best friend, Joey’s, house. He freaks out. They go to the hospital and he explains how he’s dead—and even shows the doctor his white eyes (and there’s a clear bullet hole in his forehead!). The doctor is dismayed—and calls security— when he takes off his shirt to show the autopsy scars. When he begins getting hungry he discovers that  he needs to consume blood, like a vampire. Joey, feeling guilty tells him that he had slept with is fiance after his funeral—and he accidently kills her when he comes to visit.  Eventually Joey becomes infected and one of the undead, which leads to further complications. He’s later dismembered by a gang banger they attacked and killed (the zombies come back if you don’t decapitate them before they awaken), so he’s just this living-dead head.

This movie tries to be funny like Shaun of the Dead, Dead Heads and Arrgghh! Zombies! but can’t quite pull it off.

Revenge of the Rats (2001)

This German movie has some of the best rat effects/shots I’ve ever seen in a “killer rat” movie. It’s also well-written and character driven. The slightly weird part, though, is that there is little gore and seems as if it was a made-for-television movie in how it’s constructed, particularly with the sub-plot about the little girl.

The rats are infesting the city because of a garbage hauler strike and are carrying a mutated form of meningitis, which is fatal. It’s a race against time to find someone who has the antibodies to it so they can make a serum. They also have to find out where all the rats are converging and somehow destroy them (of course, this ultimately involves a big, fiery explosion). The dialogue dubbing is a bit off at times and the main character sounds like Ben Stein. I kept on waiting for him to say “Bueller, Bueller, Bueller...”

Revenge on the Highway (1992)

Stacy Keach (The Ninth Configuration, John Carpenter’s Body Bags) is angry. His son was killed in a hit-and-run by an insane truck driver and he’s determined to hunt down the culprit. And what  mean culprit he is. In one scene the killer is talking to another truck driver on the radio, who remarks that a babe in a car is approaching. The killer’s reply is “watch me dust this bitch”. The truck sideswipes the woman’s car, which flips over a few times and bursts into flame.

This film reminds me of Spielberg’s killer truck movie, Duel. When the identity of the killer is revealed to be Sandahl Bergman (Conan, She), he kicks into overdrive and is determined to drive her off the road, which he does, using another truck. But perhaps because she is a woman and perhaps because this was on prime time television, he doesn’t end up killing her. Instead, the police take her away.

Riding the Bullet (2005)

There’s always a 70% chance that a movie based on a Stephen King story or novel is going to suck. The made-for-cable TV Riding the Bullet is one such film-and perhaps director Mick Garris’ weakest movie. The film takes place in 1969, though it curiously doesn’t have that ‘feel’. The way the characters are acting and talking could be today. Thank goodness there’s the constant 60’s music soundtrack to remind us when this takes place. I did like the opening title sequence, which was made to look like old Super 8mm film home movies. The story revolves around a morbid college student obsessed with death, who has unresolved issues in regard to his mother (Barbara Hershey). He half-heartedly tries to commit suicide because his girlfriend broke up with him and he’s also depressed. While he’s recovering in the hospital his former girlfriend visits and tells him that she was just playing a joke on him, that she wasn’t really breaking up. Soon after, he gets a call from a neighbor back home who informs him that his mother is in the hospital because of a stroke. Because he doesn’t have a car he hitches a ride there-and along the way literally comes face to face with death in the guess of David Arquette. Interspersed among this are various flashback scenes from when he was ten years old. The ‘Riding the Bullet’ refers to a roller coaster at a local amusement park. He chickened out going on it when he was ten and still regrets it. Arquette, as the zombie driver, taunts him about this. Ultimately, the college student has to make a choice between his life or that of his mother-and, realizing he is actually afraid of dying, chooses his mother.The movie ends with the character as a forty-something adult with some trite voiceover about how everyone is special. Sappy, sappy, sappy. There are also cameos by director Garris (as a doctor) and his wife (as a nurse).

Right at Your Door (2008)

This is a realistic look at a couple, Brad and Lexi, who deal with a terrorist attack on nearby Los Angeles. It all starts like a normal day. Lexi (Mary McCormack) goes off to work and he (Rory Cochrane) works at home. From the get go it’s obvious he’s p-whipped and he steadily becomes more whiney as the movie progresses. When there’s reports on the radio that there have been explosions throughout the city, “dirty bombs” which are carrying various toxins, he panics and starts to drive out in search of her. But all the roads to the city are blocked and he’s forced to turn around and go back home. There he encounters Alvaro, the neighbor’s gardener, who seeks refuge in his house. They both seal up the house with duct tape and plastic sheets and listen to more “non news” about the event on the radio. Eventually Lexi shows up, bedraggled and wanting in but Brad refuses to let her in because she may be contaminated and contagious. This is basically an extended Twilight Zone episode with one of those “twist” endings.

Right to Die (2007)

A husband (Martin Donovan) and wife are in a car accident in which the wife is horribly burned yet left alive. When she dies in the hospital she gains power as a spirit and tries to do harm to her hubby, but before she can do so she’s brought back to life. Through flashbacks we’re shown just why she’s so angry at him and it doesn’t just have to do with the fact that he was cheating on her with his secretary. Once he figures it out that if she dies she will kill him he wants to keep her alive. But first, he must get her new skin for a skin transplant...

This Masters of Horror episode features some nasty make-up effects. I cringed every time I saw the woman’s burned body

Ring, The (2002)

This is up there with Feardotcom and Vanilla Sky as one of the best horror movies of 2002, proof that a remake can actually be done right. When her cousin dies under mysterious circumstances a woman reporter (Naomi Watts) investigates her death. She finds out that not only did her cousin die-but three of her friends died the same night at the same time. It seems that they all watched a cursed videotape a week before and that’s what killed them. Curious-and in no way believing the tape the cause of their deaths, she watches it and is unnerved. And as each day goes by her apprehension and fear grow. It’s basically a race against time to find out WHY people are dying who watch it. And the answers are pretty interesting. This version is a bit more complex than the original Japanese version. It’s also much more creepier.

Ring 2, The (2005)

This is a hugely underwhelming sequel, having none of the story, scares or suspense of the first movie. Here, Naomi Watts moves to a small coastal town with her son in order to start over. But the ghost from the first movie finds her and goes about possessing her son. She wants to be a real live person. It’s revealed who the girl’s biological mother was (Sissy Spacek) and why she had tried to drown her in the first place. Now, Watts has to somehow get the ghost out of her child. Ring 2 is far too predictable and one-note, to such an extent that it’s incredibly boring. It reminded me most of Nightmare on Em Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge, when Krueger comes out of the nightmares and into the real world. Absolutely not worth seeing.

Ripper, The (1997)

Right from the get go of this television movie we know the indentity of the Ripper. The movie revolves around Inspector James Hanson (Patrick Bergin of Highway to Hell, Beneath Loch Ness) of Scotland Yard trying to find out who this person is. During the investigation the Inspector falls in love with the only eyewitness of the Ripper, a former prostitute (Gabrielle Anwar of Body Snatchers). In order to catch the killer in the act he chooses to use her to lure him in for arrest. There are scenes of Jack the Ripper killing the prostitutes and also one disturbing scene in which he sets a live horse on fire.This movie is different enough from other ‘Jack the Ripper’ movies I’ve seen to make it interesting and the story made it plausible as to the real identity of this infamous killer.

Ripper: Letters from Hell (2001)

Not to be confused with Jack the Ripper: From Hell. This has all the stereotypical elements of your typical slasher film-thunder and lightning, a car that won’t start, phone doing dead, and a slew of red herrings that try to steer you away from the supremely stupid ending. Bruce Payne (Warlock 3, Dungeons and Dragons) is a professor, teaching a college class on serial killers, and one of his students just happens to be the survivor of a massacre five years before. Soon, students in her study group begin to die in horrible ways, ways which mimic the slayings of the infamous Jack the Ripper, in terms of how the bodies are disfigured. There’s lots of loud music that doesn’t quite fit with the scenes, twenty-something characters acting really lame. The downfall of this fiasco is the inane script that stretches the remotest plausibility. It makes it one of the worst slasher movies I’ve EVER seen...

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011)

In the near future, in San Francisco, a scientist, Will Rodman (James Franco) invents a drug that enables the brain to repair itself. His motivation is that his father (John Lithgow) has Alzheimers and he wants to cure it. One of the chimps he tests, a female named Bright Eyes, quickly becomes intelligent and can do any puzzle thrown at her. But during a fundraising meeting she escapes and has to be gunned down. Rodman discovers she was just being protective of her newborn son. Rather than have him destroyed, Rodman secretly takes the green-eyed chimp home and raises him. This is Caesar. He has him for eight years, during which time he insists he’s his father and treats him like a son. But this all ends when Caesar tries to protect Rodman’s father, who he sees is being threatened by a neighbor. After this incident Caesar has to be kept at a chimp refuge, which is basically set up like a prison. The Dodge Landon, the son of the guy who runs it, taunts the apes and treats them like prison inmates. Caesar knows he’s more intelligent than the other apes and wants to help them. What’s cool is that he knows sign language and is able to communicate with a former circus orangutang. Then he plans an escape—and a way to make all the apes more intelligent by exposing them to the drug that had made him smarter. However, this same virus has an adverse affect on humans— it kills them. There’s a climactic confrontation on the San Francisco bridge as the simians try to make it for safety. Basically, the entire more is a “re-emagining” of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes. Throughout the film there are references to a manned Mars mission that has gone awry—and the astronauts have disappeared, which I’m sure is a hint as to what will happen in the next APES movie, when these astronauts will return to an ape-ruled planet Earth sometime in the future. Maybe the next film will be an update of Battle for the Planet of the Apes...

Unlike the Tim Burton re-imagining of 2001, the Apes here are not made more intelligent by human DNA— they are their own creature. And instead of actors in ape-makeup they are all rendered via computer animation by Weta Workshop, who had done such an amazing job on King Kong. The effects are impressive. There are some “in-jokes”, such as the Orangutan having the name Maurice (Maurice Evans portrayed the original Dr. Zaius) and a scene in which a zoo keeper, “Dodge Landon” (named after the two astronauts from the original Planet of the Apes movie), exclaims “Get your damn dirty hands off me” when Caesar attacks him. If you’ve never seen any of the original Apes movies this is a great introduction. If you’re a fan of the classic series this will not be a disappointment. Rise of the Planet of the Apes is far better than I ever expected it to be. Highly recommended.

Rise: Blood Hunter (2007)

Lucy Lui is a reporter for L.A. Weekly who is killed and turned into a vampire after she does an article on vampire poseurs. She wakes up in the morgue and realizes that there’s no going back. So she tracks down the vampires who created her and kills them.

The vampire qualities are down-played too much in this film. They can go out during the day, they have no fangs. And when they attack they use these little necklace daggers to slice open the victim’s throat, like that opening scene in The Hunger (a much better vampire movie). The only thing they make a big deal of is that they have no reflection in a mirror.

This movie is a few years old and the most likely reason it was released sooner is that it isn’t very good. It’s overlong, there’s little empathy for the main character and it succeeds in making vampires boring. If you’re a Lucy Lui fan you’ll enjoy some of the nude scenes. Otherwise, it will cure your insomnia.

Rite, The (2011)

Twenty-something mortician Michael Kovak (Colin O’Donoghue) decides to leave his father’s business and go to Seminary college to become a priest. But after four years he decides he just doesn’t have the faith to do it and sends his teacher a resignation letter. The teacher doesn’t want him to quit and instead convinces him to go to Italy for two months, to study exorcisms. This sounds intriguing and he goes. At first he doesn’t believe anything the lecturer recounts so the guy tells him to visit Father Lucas Trevant (Anthony Hopkins). He’s an unorthodox priest who has been performing exorcisms for years. The first case involves a sixteen-year-old pregnant girl who was raped by her father—and that doesn’t end well. In fact, the failure shakes Trevant so bad that it opens him wide open for possession. So Kovak must perform an exorcism on his mentor. There’s also a subplot about a reporter named Angeline (Alice Braga) who wants to write an article about all of this.

I don’t know what possessed me to see this movie. I think the reason is that I always hope Exorcism movies are better than what they are. However, The Rite is a decent enough movie and has some intense scenes towards the end. I’m sure it would have had more punch if I bought into all the mythology. That said, I’m sure this will appeal to 95% of America. It will scare them into believing in Jesus, just like everything else.

Riverworld (2003)

This adaptation of the Phillip Jose Farmer book To Your Scattered Bodies Go was just okay. The premise is that anyone who ever lived is reborn, in a younger body, on this planet called River World. The river is surrounded by extremely steep cliffs, so no one can wander too far from the water. In the opening sequence an astronaut dies in a shuttle accident, then finds himself awakening inside this womb-like bubble which bursts. He swims ashore and soon encounters dozens of other people emerging from the river, all from different time periods. One woman died when she was in her 80’s, another died in a concentration camp, et cetera. They are soon captured by a barbarian tyrant, who wants to enslave them, and they escape with the help of a mysterious being, who may be one of the planet’s native inhabitants. There’s also a lone alien among all the humans, an alien who plays a key role later on in the story. Eventually the astronaut escapes with his friends and encounter a friendlier group of people, who are busy building a fusion powered steamboat. The leader, Sam, is friendly enough but he hides a secret-that he’s really Samuel Clemens (aka Mark Twain). The ending is totally open (there are five books) and I suspect there will be another episode on the Sci-Fi Channel soon.

Riverword (2010)

Reporter Matt Elman (Tahmoh Penikett of Dollhouse) is in Thailand covering a story when he and his girlfriend, Jessie (Laura Vandervoort of V), are killed by a bomb. He awakens on the banks of a huge river along with many other “dead” people. It seems as if everyone has been sort of reincarnated on this alien planet. Some people are even younger than they used to be, though there is no uniformity in this. In fact, if you are killed here you are simply brought back to life again, so there’s no death. But Richard Burton (Peter Wingfield of Sanctuary) wants to destroy the planet and will go to any lengths to do this. He even finds Jessie before Matt does, which poses a conflict. There are also these blue skinned aliens which seem to be responsible for all of this.

Along his quest to find his wayward girlfriend Matt meets Sam Clemens, who has a ferry on the river. And Francisco Pizarro, the Spanish explorer, is definitely an enemy.

There’s even a woman Samurai he ends up falling for in the end. This is the second adaptation of the Philip Jose Farmer novel and an inferior one at that. It’s so damn lackluster in execution. Also, the dvd artwork, with a dark blue alien on the cover, makes it seem as if you’re going to be watching Avatar. Well, if you’re a sucker for that then you deserve to endure this four hour movie. Check out the previous movie from 2003. Or read the books.

Road, The (2009)

A man (Viggo Mortensen of Lord of the Rings) and his young son travel across a decimated United States, walking towards the Coast and to the South to get away from the cold. Everything is dead, even the animals, so they must find food in the form of canned goods. They also have to avoid the groups of marauders that have become cannibals. The only thing they have for protection is a pistol with two bullets and the father intends to use these on himself and his son if things get too bad or if they’re captured by the people eaters. But in one such encounter he uses up one of the bullets, though it allows them to get away. They also have to be careful about falling trees, especially with the frequent earthquakes. Since the trees are all dead and their roots rotted, they fall over like dominos anytime the ground shakes. There are also numerous fires. Every so often there are flashbacks to scenes with the man’s wife (Charlize Theron) in happier times, usually a dream, which makes him worry. His health is deteriorating and he’s begun to cough up blood. Now, he has to prepare his son for fending for himself. And it doesn’t help that he begins seeing all other survivors as enemies.

The scenes of a ravaged world are impressive and it’s a great use of computer effects. Although the gore is to a minimum it’s effective, such as the human gutpile and the scene with the starving people kept in the cellar for food. It’s also a very depressing movie, so be warned. This is one of the most realistic movies about people trying to survive the end of the word I’ve ever seen.

Roadkill (2011)

A group of college graduate friends meet up in Scotland for a holiday and encounter not only a vicious prehistoric bird that feeds on humans but the weird town that’s been feeding the species. They’ve been feeding them out-of-towners so all of the friends are in danger. The majority of the movie takes place outside or in their rented camper.

Its an interesting idea, though the computer graphics of the creature aren’t so convicing. I think they had Q: The Winged Serpent in mind, but it pales in comparison to that monster.

Robin Cook’s Invasion (2000)

This four-hour miniseries concerns a strange virus that affects humanity. At first these small black stones rain to earth, like mini spaceships, and once picked up jab an enzyme into the person they infect. This was cool because when the first stone was entering the Earth’s atmosphere in the title sequence the impression is that it’s this huge ship-and then when it lands in front of a diner we see it’s the size of an acorn. From there on, though, the movie quickly falls into Invasion of the Body Snatcher predictability. The first person contaminated is Luke Perry, whose personality changes. He starts taking apart electronics around the house and creating strange things. His girlfriend (Rebecca Gayheart of Urban Legend) doesn’t like this one bit and confides to her friend. Other people start noticing the behavior of the infected-but by then millions of people are already converted. It’s explained that aliens have been watching earth since life started-and now have found suitable hosts in the form of humans. They need hosts because they are viruses. Perry wants to create a gateway so the ships can come through-but this makes little sense since a huge ship shows up at the end. And by the end of the movie he transforms into one of those Grey type aliens, for no apparent reason other than to say ‘Hey, he’s an alien’. In the last ten minutes the good guys stop the invasion and everyone miraculously returns to normal. 95% of this movie heavily borrows from other movies. Robin Cook should just stick with those medical thrillers.

Robinson Crusoe on Mars  (1964)

I love this movie. An exploratory spacecraft with two astronauts, Draper and McCready (Adam West) and a monkey onboard is in orbit around Mars when a planetoid is on a collision course. They avert it but get pulled into orbit. So one astronaut, Christopher Draper, takes a pod to the surface so the other can pull the ship back into space. After he does this he escapes in another pod. Draper’s pod is damaged in the landing, as is most of his reserve oxygen. He starts walking and encounters extremes in temperatures. The Martian air is breathable for short amounts of time, though he needs a booster from his oxygen supply every hour or so. He also finds shelter and a way to make fire. A certain type of rock burns—and he finds out a byproduct of this is that they emit oxygen so he’s able to refill his tanks. Although his captain is dead he does find the monkey, Mona, alive. She leads him to an underground supply of fresh water, which also have these edible tuber-like plants. He is even able to make clothing out of the tough material, which comes in handy later on.

His biggest surprise is that he sees another space ship, not from earth. They are mining something on the planet and are using slave-labor. He rescues one of the slaves, who he names Friday (Vic Lundin). At first Draper doesn’t trust him and acts like an asshole towards his new companion, but over time they help each other and learn each other’s language. But Friday has these bracelets on him which tell the aliens where he’s at. While Draper tries to saw these off they flee and make their way to the martian canals. They make way to the polar ice caps, where there should be plenty of water and air.

Although this movie was made nearly half a century ago it holds up well over time and the effects, particularly of the Martian landscape and those alien ships, are very cool. This is my favorite Robinson Crusoe movie. Recommended.

Robinsons: Lost in Space, The (2004)

This is an interesting unaired pilot that was made, an update of the Irwin Allen 60’s show. It takes place some years after a war with an alien species and starts with a dinner banquet in honor of John Robinson (Brad Johnson of Philadelphia Experiment II, Always) , a war hero who is moving his family to a planet called Nova. There is a Will Robinson, a young creative genius, and Judy-but no Penny. Instead, there is Judy’s twin, David, who is at odds with his father. The Jupiter II is actually a huge life-pod, which is attached to the mothership that’s on its way to Nova. Dozens of these pods are attached to the ship. On the journey they are attacked by those aliens-and John Robinson takes command, as he has the most experience. When the aliens storm the ship they release the life-pods and they are set free-only to be lost in space. The Robot is different looking than either the original series or the movie-and there is no Dr. Smith! Directed by John Woo.

Robo Man (1973)

The box art for this movie makes it out to be similar to Robocop, which is completely misleading and ultimately to the film’s disadvantage. First, this is not an action movie whatsoever. And the movie is primarily a mystery as to the identity of this robot-man. It starts off with him-Dr. Martino (Joseph Bova)-being returned to U.S. custody after being in a horrible car accident six months earlier. The Russians had rescued him-and rebuilt him a robot body to replace his shattered, useless human one. They do this because they want information from him about a government project he heads. Does he give them what they want? Is he, in fact, not Dr. Martino at all but a Russian Spy?Elliot Gould as Sean Rogers is the man who has to find this out. This is a serious role and the character is pretty much an asshole throughout. Trevor Howard portrays Colonel Azarin, the Russian official responsible for the robot. Robo Man is a good, thinking, sci-fi mystery with a lot of depth. Based on the novel by Algis Budrys. Directed by Jack Gold

Robocop: Dark Drive (2003)

This DVD is release of part of the mini-series that was shot back in 2000 and shown on the Sci-fi Channel. Here, Robocop is reintroduced to an old partner (before Nancy Allen), who is this stereotypical jaded policeman, though the old partner doesn’t realize at first that Robo is his old friend. In the upper echelons of the Delta City conglomerate Robo’s grown-up son is on his way to the sleazy top, with the help of a potentially evil woman-who just happens to be the ex-wife of Robo’s old partner! Talk about coincidence! Well, the story is indeed convoluted. The production value is WAY down and the actor cast as Robo doesn’t have a fraction of the presence of either Peter Weller (Robocop 1 & 2) or Robert Burke (#3). It’s probably best just to forget about this DVD.

Rock ‘N Roll Frankenstein (1998)

A talent manager, sick and tired of having his clientelle walk out on him when they strike it big, persuades his mad scientist nephew, Frankie, to create a Rock and Roll Star for him from the stolen body parts of, you guessed it, famous rock stars. This modern day monster has Hendrick’s hands, Keith Moon’s legs and Elvis’ head. But when the henchmen went to recover Jim Morrison’s member from a rather odd collector, they accidently took Liberace’s —and that’s where the problems begin. Soon their creation is the lead singer of a band called Unnatural Urges—and soon many gerbils die as the monster tries to find his sexual identity in New York City. A cross between Reanimator, Young Frankenstein and Bride of Frank, this is one of the funniest movies I’ve seen in years.

Rodentz (2003)

This is not one of the better killer rat movies. It started off decent, with a scientist and his assistant working in a lab with cages of rats. They are injecting them with an enzyme that might stop cancer-but a side affect is that it causes the rats to grow in size. When a bunch of the assistant’s friends show up, wanting to party, all hell breaks loose. The rats, living in the basement, kill the scientist and the enzyme injected rat grows larger and larger and eventually attacks them. In some shots it’s a computer generated rat, in others it’s an animatronic puppet that looks more like a teddy bear hamster than a rat. What irritated me was that the story and characters were so predictable. If you want to see a giant rat movie re-rent Food of the Gods.

Rogue (2008)

Michael Vartan (Alias) portrays travel reporter named Pete McKell who takes the wrong tour in the Australian outback. He’s on board a small tour boat with a group of Americans and Australians and the “captain” is blonde Kate Ryan (Radha Mitchell of Pitch Black)

As they are on their way back from crocodile watching they see a flare and go to check it out. What they find is the tip of a sunken boat in the water and then their boat is rammed by a huge saltwater crocodile. This thing must be 35 feet long. As they are on a river with high cliffs on either side, they take refuge on a nearby island. But the river rises with the tide and as it gets darker the water rises. What’s creepy is that although the creature is huge it kills the first few people in utter silence. One minute they are there, the next they are gone and we see the water rippling where the monster dived back in.

This is similar to Blackwater but a bit more fantastical, with Hollywood actors and a bigger budget. It has some of the most realistic CGI of a crocodile I’ve seen and is worth checking out for this alone.

Rollerball (2002)

This may be one of the best ‘remakes’ I’ve ever seen. Rather than having the movie take place in a hundred years or so, as in the original, this plausibly takes place a few years from now. A violent, hockey-like game has emerged in the former Soviet Union and Asia, which has recruited a young American by the name of Jonathon to be its new hero. But Jonathon soon discovers that his fame and fortune have a very big price—and realizing this, sets forth to change things. About the only thing this movie has in common with the 70’s version is the title, the concept of the game and names of the characters. About as different as Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes is from its 70’s counterpart. Highly recommended.

Roost, The (2006)

Here we have an okay killer bat movie with good special effects and decent acting. It has the typical Night of the Living Dead scenario, with a group of people trapped in a house (well, a barn here), fighting off the monsters. In fact, when these particular bats attack a person, that person turns into an “Undead Creature” and then proceeds to attack the other survivors. The best part of the movie, however, is the wraparound featuring Tom Noonan (Manhunter, The Last Action Hero) as a tv horror film host introducing—and commenting on—the film. It’s hilarious. From Glass Eye Pix, directed by Ti West.

Roswell: Season One (1999)

I had never watched this show when it originally aired on the WB and I was somewhat reluctant about watching another teen-oriented sci-fi/drama. But I was pleasantly surprised. Roswell, based on the Roswell High series of books, it’s about a handful of teens who become involved with Max and Isabel Evans (Jason Behr and Katherine Heigl) and Michael Guerin (Michael Fehr), who just happen to be aliens. Their ship had crashed in the 40’s but the fifteen-year-olds didn’t come out of their “pods” until ten years before, after which they were adopted. Max and Isabel grew up in a “normal suburban” household with a caring mother and father while Michael grew up in a foster home with a drunk “father”. Their secret is revealed when Max saves the life of love-interest Liz Parker (Shiri Appleby) when she’s accidently shot in the alien-themed diner where she works. He confides in her about that he’s really an alien, which upsets Isabel and Michael, as it’s knowledge that can potentially harm them if the wrong people find out about their secret.

The first few episodes start and end with Liz writing about the events in her diary, which I don’t think worked too well. The middle of the season we learn more about their powers, the relationship between Max and Liz grows, as do the relationships the other teens develop. By the end of the season they find out that there’s an older alien, a shape-shifter named Nasedo, and that there is a fourth member of their group, Tess Harding (Emilie De Ravin of Lost). The town’s Sheriff, Valenti (William Sadler of Demon Knight), eventually becomes their ally. Then, the authorities, a clandestine part of the FBI, also find out about Max and take him to a hidden facility where they torture him.

Overall, I found the series entertaining. The on again/off again relationships of the characters got a little tedious, but the alien back story they establish is interesting enough-and there’s a decent twist on the Roswell crash mythology. Season Two of the

series gets better.

Roswell: Season Two (2001)

The second season of the alien show has much more action than the first season, probably because at the time they were trying to compete with shows like Angel and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It’s revealed who the three alien hybrids are-royalty from another planet-and that there are already enemy aliens on Earth, called Skins, who want to hunt them down and take them back to their home planet for execution by the new government. One of the regular characters of the show dies, which took me by surprise, and it’s even more surprising who murdered him. The best episodes are when a future version of Max appears to prevent his younger self and his girlfriend from consumating their relationship, and thus save the Earth from a future invasion, and when the trio encounters three other alien hybrids who look just like them. I enjoyed the second season more than the first, as it’s riskier, there’s more growth to the characters and more needed science-fiction rather than soap opera.

Roswell: Season Three (2002)

The last season of the alien teenager angst ridden show is the best, finally getting the right combination of drama and science fiction. Season Two ended with the revelation that the alien hybrid Tess is pregnant with main character Max’s child and she takes off for their home planet because the unborn kid won’t survive in Earth’s atmosphere. The third season begins with Max wanting to find his son, which is a bit silly considering he’s on a different planet. There’s one episode where he believes his son is trying to contact him through an autistic kid but that also doesn’t make much sense, as he’d be maybe a few months old at the most.

The primary conflict is with Max and Isabelle’s adoptive parents, who are finally catching on that something is different about their kids. They start asking questions and even resort to spying. Isabelle also gets married without telling her spouse about her alien powers, which causes problems when he eventually finds out. The FBI is also still hunting the aliens, as is the airforce after a major disaster happens to the local airbase.

What always ends a series is when the main character has a kid. Look at the shows Angel and The X-Files. And, not surprisingly, what they do with the kid is exactly the same-rather than keeping him they decide that the child should grow up safe, in a “normal” home. On a positive note, the series does end well and has an “ending” that makes sense and is consistent with the characters, a finale that I’m sure satisfies the Roswell fans.

Rottweiler (2005)

There are good Brian Yuzna movies (Return of the Living Dead 3, Bride of Reanimator, Crying Freeman) and there are bad Brian Yuzna movies (Beyond Reanimator, Arachnid). Unfortunately, this killer dog movie is in the second category. The story is lame, the acting (except for one person) is bad and the ‘Terminator Dog’ effects don’t match the footage with the live dog that they used. In fact, there’s a scene at the end of the movie where the dog’s flesh is burned away by fire and he leaps out from the explosion as these moving, steel skeleton. If this was meant to be a spoof of Terminator, that would be okay-it’s funny-yet, the rest of the movie is dead serious. The only thing I enjoyed about this whole mess is Paul Naschy’s performance as the evil guy-he’s great at being the villain. Otherwise, Rottweiler is ROTTen.

Route 666 (2001)

This is a pretty interesting movie if you can overlook some of the obvious plot holes and contrivances. It also has some of the scariest zombie scenes I’ve seen in a loooonggg time. Lou Diamond Philips (who is in about half of the direct to video movies released nowadays) is a Federal Agent transporting a key witness to LA—but a lot of stuff happens to detain him and his agents and they are forced to take a condemned highway, Route 666. But there’s a problem with the road—it’s haunted by these five zombies, members of a chain gang who were killed thirty years before—and when they come across someone they rip them apart and make them a part of the road with their sledgehammers and road tools. And one of these unjustly killed criminals just happens to be the main character’s father...Anyway, the zombies here are relentless and the makeup effects are great. Check it out.

Ruins, The (2008)

The Ruins defines the term “Creeping Terror”. Two young American couples, while on their last day on vacation in Mexico, decide to accompany a German acquaintance and his Greek friend to a secluded archeological dig that’s about twenty miles away. The German is going there to retrieve his brother, who went their with a girl (one of the archeologists). When the group gets there, though, they see some abandoned vehicles and notice that the path to the temple has been hidden by palm fronds. Why is it being hidden? They soon find out when they reach the ancient temple and Mayans from the nearby village come out. The villagers will not let them set foot off of the temple. When one of them tries they shoot him with an arrow. In fact, a large, salt covered perimeter is all around the structure, which prevents the vines from growing into the nearby jungle. It’s these vines that are the problem...they are alive and feed on meat.

Fans of the book will be pleased, as it is a good adaptation. There are some slight changes but they are for the better. The Mayan temple is quite the centerpiece of the movie while in the book it’s just a big dirt and vine covered hill, implied that the temple is presumably buried underneath). Some of the characters are combined for expediency sake but it’s a necessity in order for the movie to move along swiftly. And while the movie has the ending from the book it also has a new ending, which leaves all sorts of possibilities for a sequel. Overall, The Ruins is a deVINE horror movie.

Rule of Three (2008)

Novelist Eric Shapiro’s directorial debut is an engrossing thriller mystery which reminded me a bit of a David Lynch movie. There are three different stories that intertwine and keep you guessing as to what direction the film will take. The first is about a father, Jon, who is desperate to find out what happened to his daughter, Lo, who has disappeared for two weeks. He keeps on going back to the cheap motel where she was last seen. Then we cut to two weeks previously, with Lo (Rhoda Jordan) and her boyfriend at the hotel. They’ve decided they want to do a bit of sexual exploration with a threesome and the boyfriend manages to track down an old friend (Tiffany Shepis), who eagerly shows up. Then there’s the overweight, nervous business man who had checked out the motel room prior to them—and he’s all set to drug and rape a woman co-worker who he is soon expecting. However, the drug dealer (Rodney Eastman) he’s bought the “roofies” from wants to stick around and have a go at her as well. All three stories have an unexpected twist and don’t turn out how any of the characters want them to.

Rule of Three is one of the best independent movies I have seen in the last few years, with great performances by all the actors. I felt like I was a voyeur watching real people rather than characters in a movie— and that’s no easy thing to accomplish. This makes my “Top Ten List of 2008”. Highly recommended

“S” Titles

S Darko:  A Donnie Darko Tale (2009)

I can’t believe they attempted to make a sequel to Donnie Darko. Of course, it’s horrible.

The two pages of text at the beginning say how Donnie’s sister is still depressed, seven years later, about his death. She’s now out West, on a road trip with her friend. When their car breaks down in a small desert town (why do cars always break down near weird towns?) the strangeness starts. Instead of an airplane crashing, it’s a meteor. And the love interest of the sister is Ed Westwick (100 Feet). The movie kept on reminding me how good the original is. Even if you are curious I would avoid the movie as you will only be disappointed.

Sabretooth (2002)

Yet another clunker from the Sci-Fi channel. This one’s about a scientist who has cloned a sabretooth tiger and accelerated its growth to an adult. They believe they’ll make their fortunes by this rapid growth process, cultivating new organs for transplant patients. Why they cloned the prehistoric beast is never explained. Anyway, the truck transporting the tiger crashes when the driver falls asleep, the creature escapes and eats the driver. Then he starts attacking people who are either living or camping in the woods. While all this is happening some camp counselors are being trained by a buxom blonde, who, of course, used to be in a relationship with her co-instructor. By this time the scientists (John Rhys-Davis, Jessica Angel) have employed a hunter (David Keith) to hunt down the sabretooth, telling him that it’s an escaped African Lion they were experimenting on. He soon finds out different. The animatronic effects with the tiger’s head and claws are really well done but the computer effects make it look like Scooby Doo with long teeth. Overall, this movie didn’t have much bite.

Sacred. The (2009)

A group of college students get more than they bargained for when they travel deep in the Florida swamps. They are working on their thesis project on Native American folklore. In the opening scene we see what happened to an Indian criminal years before— he was taken out to this chunk of land, sentenced for his crimes—and they land itself punished him. Basically, anyone with sins is punished who travels there. Unfortunately for these students they all have sins—some much bigger than others.

While this does follow the basic “horror formula” — a group of kids go to a strange place and encounter something that kills them one by one—and has some of the typical characters—the blonde, the nerd, the plain girl, the asshole, the film presents enough twists and scares that more than make up for it. The makeup effects are excellent and it’s also extremely well shot by director Jose Zambrano Cassella. Most important of all, The Sacred is a serious, creepy film. I found it far better than films like Hatchet. Highly recommended.

Sadist, The (1963)

The movie begins with a voice-over explaining what a sadist is while we see the crazy eyes of the movie’s title character. Then, three school teachers—two nerdy guys and a woman— are stranded in an isolated junkyard when their car breaks down. At first it seems as if the place is deserted. Then, a hoodlum (Arch Hall Jr.) and his slutty girlfriend show up to torment them.

I’ve heard a lot of great things about this movie so when I finally watched it I was disappointed. My biggest gripe is the “Sadist” character, who seems very retarded (I think “The Retard” would be a better name for this movie). I also didn’t care much about the main characters, particularly the woman teacher, who was devoid of personality. Granted, for the year in which it was made (1963) this was probably an intense experience for movie-goers. For me, in 2010, I could barely stay awake while watching the DVD...

Safety Not Guaranteed (2012)

A writer of a Seattle magazine, along with two interns, investigate an ad placed in the local newspaper for a time-travel companion. It states that “Safety is not guaranteed”.

The female intern, Darius (Aubrey Plaza), befriends this guy, Kenneth, who claims to have constructed a time machine. Is he crazy? The more she hangs out with him the more the two have a connection—until the day comes along when they are supposed to travel in time. This is a romantic time-travel movie, along the lines of Happy Accidents and The Time Traveler’s Wife. It does beg a sequel.

Saintsinner (2002)

This Clive Barker produced movie for the Sci-Fi Channel features some truly repulsive villains and some of the nastiest scenes in a made-for-television movie I can remember. Back in 1812 a young Monk accidently sets free two succubi, female demons who suck the life-forces out of men. Because he released them he’s ordered to destroy them. Through the ‘Wheel of Time’ he’s catapulted into our present day, where the demons have begun their slaughter. Armed with only a special knife he has to somehow kill them. He meets a female police officer, who believes his tale after having an experience with a giant maggot, and the two track the beings down.

Salem’s Lot (1979)

This four-hour adaptation of Stephen King’s ultimate vampire book (and one of the best adaptations of King’s work) features classic vampires that are truly terrifying, complete with Nosferatu-style interpretation of their leader, Barlow (Reggie Nalder of Zoltan: Hound of Dracula). What really distinguishes these vampires is their unnatural yellow eyes, along with the ability to float in and out of their victim’s windows. Although this TV movie was bookended for a potential television series, it, like Vampyre, was never developed.

Salem’s Lot (2004)

This TNT four hour adaptation of the Stephen King book was far better than I thought it would be. A good comparison would be how the movie Manhunter was redone as Red Dragon. It’s the same story done a completely different way. Rob Lowe is an author who returns to his home town of Jerusalem’s lot to research material for his new book. As a child he had ventured into the old Marsten house and witnessed the murders of its occupants-an incident which scarred him for life. He meets a woman, who becomes a possible love interest-and encounters a great evil, which now resides in that very same house. Instead of the Nosferatu-like vampire of the first movie, the vampire Barlow is like that in the book-he looks like a man. Rutger Hauer does a good job as the vampire, radiating evil, but he’s given too little screen time. His henchman, Straker, is portrayed by Donald Sutherland, and is much more unbalanced than James Mason’s portrayal of the character. The funny thing is, is that both these actors were in the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie. There are some genuinely creepy moments with the various vampires crawling about on walls, like spiders. Some of them move very fast while others, particularly when the populace of the town is transformed at the end, resemble shambling zombies. Although I like the Tobe Hooper version better this is still worth checking out.

Salvage (2009)

I generally hate hearing great things and lots of hype about a horror movie before I see it, usually because I’m disappointed about 90% of the time by the time I see it. The most recent case is Salvage, a low-key horror movie from the UK.

It begins with a father (Dean Andrews of Life on Mars, Ashes to Ashes) driving his teenaged daughter to visit her mother. She clearly doesn’t want to go but doesn’t have much of a choice. When she gets there she walks in on her mom having sex with someone so the reunion is not off to a good start. She throws a fit and flees to the next door neighbor’s house. Meanwhile, there’s news reports of a container washing up on the nearby shore and something violent happens to a kid in the area. Before anyone knows what’s going on the town is quarantined by the military and everyone told not to leave their houses or they’ll be shot. This isn’t good for the mother, who is trapped there with her one-night-stand. Then, people start being killed, primarily the soldiers. Now, the mother wants to get to her daughter and make sure she’s safe. We learn that whatever washed up in the container was a military experiment and that it’s loose. Yet when we finally see what the monster is, it’s a huge letdown. I didn’t care about any of the characters and I didn’t find this movie particularly suspenseful. So I can’t recommend it.

Salvation by Blood (2010)

This begins with a guy, dressed in prison orange, being led through a prison where he’s interviewed by an African-American cop. The prisoner is Matt and he recounts the story of how he met his girlfriend, Teresa (Tina Krause), in New York City and how they became involved with satanism. It’s because of her crazy aunt, who has a coven of people worshipping the dark one. At first they make fun of this but soon start doing crazy stuff, like cutting one another with razor blades and licking the blood. And they both wear dark eye makeup. Soon, they are visited by a creepy dead looking kid and a demon with three big clawed fingers. It tells Matt that they have to kill some Christians so that’s what they do. They drive out to the country, go to a house where there’s a young woman, and pretend they work for the power company and need to check the meter. Some bad stuff happens but not as bad as what happens to them. Teresa is killed and Satan has the girl do horrible stuff to Matt, the result of which we see when we finally get a glimpse of his face in the prison. Then, the cop asks him if he would have done anything different and he says “I should have stayed with Jesus”.

This movie has great production values and special makeup effects but I had some major problems with it. First, this 37 minute film isn’t long enough. I felt like I was watching a feature that was missing pieces. The “downward spiral” that happens to Matt and Teresa is more like a sudden, abrupt drop. There’s nothing leading up to it that’s believable. Secondly, the story is to the lowest common denominator—it really has nothing whatsoever to do with witchcraft. The ideas are those of a frightened Christian who has learned everything about witchcraft and demonology from watching horror movies or from going to an Evangelical Church. It’s a movie that wants to scare you into believing in Jesus. Well, it didn’t work.

Samurai Jack (2001)

A dragon-like demon named Acu (the voice of Mako), who was banished from the world, returns to take his revenge on the ruler who had put him their. The wife flees with their son-and he’s trained, by masters throughout the world, to be the ultimate warrior. Once an adult, he is given the Samurai sword and goes back to his father’s kingdom to find that the demon still rules-and that his father has been a slave. Before he can destroy the demon, however, he’s cast into a time warp that flings him into the far future, where Acu not only rules the entire planet but has designs on the galaxy as well. In these first few episodes (compiled on this tape) he is befriended by intelligent, archeologist dogs, who want to find out where they came from (and a clever nod to the chimps in the first, original Planet of the Apes movie). There’s a Star Wars cantani type scene where he fights some reptilian aliens (and I can see how Lucas became interested in the creator of this doing the cartoon episodes for Clone Wars) and in the end fights these crab creatures that look like the bug aliens from Starship Troopers. This feature is the only thing I’ve seen of this Cartoon-Network series-and now I’ll have to see all the rest. Samurai Jack is extremely entertaining.

Sanctuary: Season One (2008)

So far this is one of the best new television series of 2008. Amanda Tapping (Stargate) portrays Dr Helen Magnus, a hundred and forty year old woman who provides sanctuary for all the strange beings in the world, whether they be deadly or benign. In the first episode she approaches Dr. Will Zimmerman (Robin Dunne of Species 3) to work for her and he takes a lot of convincing. Magnus had saved his life when he was a child, though his mother was killed by a monster. There’s Emilie Ullerup as Magnus’ daughter, Ashley, who has violent tendencies. Unbeknownst to her, this is an inherited trait, as her father is John Druitt, this sort of energy vampire who was Jack the Ripper back in the late 1800’s. In the first few episodes they rescue a trio of witches in Scotland, who are encased in stone coffins and in Folding Man, encounter a subspecies of human who can literally fold themselves into very tight spaces. The special effects are almost seamless and I love that Bigfoot is one of the sanctuary’s staff.

Sanctuary: Season Two (2009)

In the first two episodes, End of Nights, Magnus’ daughter, Ashley (Emilie Ullerup), is controlled by the evil organization, The Cabal. They’ve brainwashed her and basically transformed her and others into indestructible vampires. Ashley is killed, which is surprising. Yes, really honest to gosh killed. She’s replaced by new character Kate Freelander (Agam Darshi), who is a freelance thief, and wants to steal valuable items from The Sanctuary so she can sell them to the highest bidder. She’s injured in an early episode of the season and recovers at the complex, eventually choosing to be on “the good guy’s” side. She’s cute and all but no Ashley.

Assistant Henry comes to terms with dealing with his lycanthropy, John Druitt, the real-life Jack the Ripper and father of Ashley, is able to control his murderous urges for a while. Bigfoot, Dr. Magnus’s right hand man in the Sanctuary, gets infected and chooses to die, since his belief system is sort of like that of a Jehovah’s Witness. The last two episodes are about “Big Bertha”, the largest and most dangerous abnormal. She’s a huge spider than lives at the bottom of the ocean and she can control earth’s magnetic field and move the crust’s tectonic plates. However, she’s included by a human connection, an individual who has a small spider-like creature called a Macri inside of them. When the original host is killed Will Zimmerman takes in the creature, with unexpected results. While all this is going on, the power hungry member of the Sanctuary Network who wants Magnus’ job, starts bombing the giant spider with depth charges. This causes her to set off some huge tidal waves, which race towards the coasts. I’m looking forward to how they’re getting out of this predicament in Season 3. This show gets better and better.

Sanctum (2011)

Frank (Richard Roxburgh) is considered to be the foremost underwater cave explorer. His teenaged son Josh doesn’t like dad very much since he’s so consumed by his work—and has never paid much attention to him. In fact, Josh really doesn’t like assisting his father, especially on this new exploration of a cave system in New Guinea.

Everything is on schedule until there’s a surprise flash flood above ground, which of course flood them out underneath. They can’t get out the way they came in so they have to find the exit of this unexplored cave system into the sea. Among them is the father’s assistant and Publicist Carl (Ioan Gruffudd of Fantastic Four), who has brought his headstrong girlfriend along. One by one they meet horrible demises, especially in the “meat grinder” scene in which they have to cross a fiercely bubbling cauldron. As this happens, seemingly easy-going Carl transforms into the bad guy, ultimately only concerned with is own survival. In the end only one of the trapped explorers survives. Although there are no insectoid monsters, giant worms or even mutated humans, like in The Descent, this movie is as harrowing and entertaining. It’s visually stunning. Highly recommended.

Sand Sharks (2012)

In this killer animal/giant monster flick from the Syfy Channel comes one very much influenced by the Tremors movies. This time, it’s sharks—prehistoric sharks—an they’ve adapted to moving through the loose sand by developing weird pebbled skin that propels them. People on land are eaten, blah blah blah.

Santa’s Slay (2004)

This is the most evil Christmas-themed movie I’ve seen. Over twenty-years ago there was a ton of hoopla about the first Silent Night, Deadly Night movie, about a slasher who wore a Santa outfit. Well, in this made-for-tv movie, it’s the actual Santa who is doing the slaying. The movie starts off with him coming down the chimney in some rich family’s home and he then proceeds to kill them as they are sitting down to eat dinner. The parents are Fran Drescher and James Caan. It’s hilarious. The premise is that a thousand years ago Santa (the son of Satan) lost a bet with an Angel and so had to be good and giving during Christmas. But the bet has ended and he’s back to his wicked ways, bringing violent death and misery during the Holiday season. Of course, it’s up to a boy and his grandfather to stop him. Although the ending is a bit cheesy it’s worth checking out for the sheer weirdness.

Sasquatch (1977)

This reminded me of one of those nature movies you’d see in elementary school or even an episode of the old Wild Kingdom show. Basically, a group of people go on a bigfoot hunt up in Canada. There’s a lot of monotone voice-over narration, and a lot of nature footage. They’re even attacked by a mountain lion and a bear. Eventually the sasquatch gets pissed at them too, and attacks their camp. Then the guys go home, none the wiser.

Sasquatch (2003)

This is one of the better made bigfoot movies, up there with Night of the Demon and The Six-Millon Dollar Man  bigfoot episodes. Lance Henriksen portrays a billionaire searching for his daughter, who crashed in the snow covered mountains three months ago. But his search is really for an experimental device which can quickly identify someone’s DNA. Among the search group is the mountain-man leader, a slimy author, a woman who wants to blackmail the billionaire, a computer geek and an assistant. They come across the crashed plane and some evidence that someTHING had attacked them after it crashed. And something is now following them, staying hidden in the shadows. They find some blood and the DNA device is unable to identify it, meaning it’s an entirely new species. Just why the otherwise peaceful Sasquatch is bent on killing these people is interesting and it’s pulled off fairly well. And the creature itself is a cool looking monster, a bit different than other portrayals.

Sasquatch Assault  (2009)

Begins with several hunters in the woods. One of them looks like John Carpenter on steroids. They at first catch a bear, though we never see the creature. It’s from an entirely POV of them shooting it. The only reason I can think of as to why they did this is because they didn’t have a real bear to show. Then, they catch someTHING else in another of the traps. A large humanoid covered in fur—the Sasquatch. It kills one of them, though they do managed to shoot it and get it locked in their truck. They end up in the city, where it escapes and creates havoc. However, it does get a bit silly, especially when the eight-foot tall creature is peeping through a window at some young women. Just dumb. I liked the Sasquatch outfit, which is a bit different than recent interpretations. This thing is definitely more gorilla-like. But that’s not enough to recommend the movie.

Sasquatch Hunters (2005)

A group of Forest Rangers, some still-in-training, take a group of scientists (a anthropologist and a paleantologist and their assistants) into the deep Northwest wilderness. When they ask what they are looking for they explain that someone found a strange bone that seems to belong to some kind of ape. Another bone, almost identical, was found 75 years before. So the museum they work for decided it was enough evidence to send in an expedition to the site and try to uncover more bones or fossils.What they eventually find is the burial ground of these creatures-and after they did up the massive bones the creature (or creatures) stalks them, not wanting them to leave with that knowledge.It’s as good as the Lance Henriksen movie Sasquatch. The creatures are more ape-like. And I found it kind of odd that the word ‘Sasquatch’ never came up in this movie. The characters do mention ‘Wendigo’ and say ‘Bigfoot’, though. I guess a title like ‘In the footsteps of Bigfoot’ or something like that wouldn’t go over too well and Sasquatch Hunters has a more action-packed ring to it.

Sasquatch Mountain (2007)

The DVD box artwork says Sasquatch Mountain, when this movie is really titled Devil on the Mountain (it’s a much better title). Lance Henriksen (is this is 4th appearance in a bigfoot movie?) is an old guy who loses his wife in an automobile accident but not before she tapes some footage of bigfoot crossing the road.

Years later a group of bank robbers foul up their robbery and crash into another car on their escape. They have to make it on foot and drag along the other driver (Cerina Vincent of Cabin Fever). They eventually take refuge in a cabin deep in the woods - and it appears as if the previous owner had died some weeks before of a heart attack. But something else was also living nearby, something big and hairy - and it doesn’t like them being there. This is one of the better bigfoot movies in recent years, with a cast of good actors, a good story and a “twist” I haven’t seen in a bigfoot movie before. Recommended.

Satan Returns (1996)

In this chinese horror film, a serial killer is kidnapping and murdering women born on June 6, 1966. He’s searching for the devil’s daughter. In order to do this he ties them up and removes their beating hearts. If she dies she’s human-if she’s still alive without the heart then she’s the devil’s daughter. A woman detective is next on his list-and she starts experiencing some weird moments. He insists that she’s the antichrist-and through various twists and turns we find out if he’s right.

Satan’s Little Helper (2005)

Jeff Lieberman (Squirm, Blue Sunshine, Just Before Dawn) returns to horror filmmaking with this disturbing, well written/directed Halloween tale. Dougie, a 9-10 year old, is obsessed with a video game called Satan’s Little Helper. In fact, that’s the costume he has picked for his Halloween excursion this year. When he says he wants to go out and kill people his mother (Amanda Plummer) doesn’t take him seriously because she thinks that it’s all make-believe. His sister Jenna (Katheryn Winnick-an actress who really stands out in this movie) has returned from college to hang out with her little brother, although she’s brought along her ‘actor’ boyfriend. This poses a slight problem because Dougie wants his sister all to himself.

Once they start trick-or-treating the kid gets separated from his sister and observes a man in a Satan mask killing people in plain sight. He thinks it’s just a great special effect, even when he sees him hanging an old woman, kicking and screaming, from her porch. After he’s done with the murder Dougie approaches him and asks if he can be his helper, to which the masked man nods yes. So Dougie follows him around the neighborhood on his killing spree....

From the get go this movie makes you uncomfortable because this kid is so earnest about killing-and we’re not sure until later on if he views this as all make-believe or not. Also, the killer doesn’t utter a word throughout the entire movie. When he’s walking with Dougie you get the feeling that he could turn on the child at any moment. By this time the sister and the boyfriend are worried about him for wandering off and go looking for him separately. The boyfriend finds them first-and is knocked unconscious by the murderer. When Dougie brings him home to meet his family they presume that it’s really the boyfriend under the mask and not this anonymous killer...This has become one of my new favorites in the ‘Slasher’ genre and perhaps one of the best Halloween type movies I’ve seen. Check it out-you’ll be in for a treat.

Satan’s Triangle (1975)

Two Coast Guard helicopter pilots are sent to find a missing boat after they receive a distress call. They find the sailboat but only one survivor, a blonde woman named Eva (Kim Novak). One body is on the deck, pierced with glass, one is hanging upside down from a mast and another is seemingly floating in mid-air down below deck. Lt. J. Haig (Doug McClure) is the coast guard who goes down to the boat and he’s trapped there after the cable breaks on the rescue basket. The pilot, Lt. Cmdr. Pagnolini, is experiencing technical interference with the helicopter, because of these weird electrical flashes happening in the Triangle and has to return back to Miami to bring help.

So Eva and Haig wait for him to return, which gives Eva enough time to recount her story and how the crew disappeared or were killed. It was originally a fishing trip and they rescue a priest who is floating on some debris in the water. He explains that he was on a small plane and it crashed. As soon as they rescue him, though, the weird electrical storm begins and things start falling apart. Is the devil testing them? Or is there a logical explanation? The movie does have a great ending. This is one of those great 70’s TV movies, up there with Gargoyles and the original Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark.

Satanic (2006)

A girl wakes up in the hospital after having been in a car crash with her father. Her father is dead and her face has been horribly injured. The doctor (Angus Scrimm) is confident, though, that they can reconstruct her face. As she has no other relatives she’s sent to live in a foster home with some weird people. She keeps on having dreams that she’s somehow responsible for her father’s death-and in flashbacks it seems as if she had a very different personality, was evil, and practiced Satanism. Or did she?

This low-budget, independent thriller is uneven, particularly with some of the bad actors, but it’s interesting enough and has such a twist ending that it’s worth checking out. Of course, the same twist ending was used in the Tom Berenger movie Shattered...

Savage (1995)

Oliver Gruner (Nemesis) portrays a rancher whose beautiful wife and young son are killed when he refuses to sell his land to a computer billionaire. Two years later we find that he is in a mental institution, catatonic from the trauma. One day he snaps out of it and escapes, to survive out in the wilds of the desert for over a year. During this time he stumbles upon a cavern where there are stone-age pictures that communicate to him-and unlocks an ancient machine that empowers him as the protector of the world, transforming him and giving him the strength of a caveman. It seems that the computer billionaire who had Gruner’s family killed is after this same machine, which is a gateway to a virtual reality where an ancient race of man has ascended to. They left their bodies for a higher form of existence. The computer megalomaniac wants to achieve this bodiless state as well. But the last time this gateway to the virtual world was opened it caused the great biblical flood-and the inhabitants of this virtual world don’t want this to happen again because this time it might indeed wipe out mankind. So it’s up to the newly empowered Gruner to stop him, which, of course, he does. Directed by Avi Nesher.

Savage (2009)

This crazy sasquatch movie begins with a forest fire in the Pacific Northwest, with two firemen taking a smoking break in the woods before they are attacked by a hairy creature. Of course, it’s not only bigfoot—it’s a pissed off bigfoot. It grabs one of the guys with a clawed hand and pulls him up a tree. The other guy runs away until he’s picked up by a passerby. We’re introduced to a hunter with bad teeth, who wants to hunt the creature because it had killed his father when he was a child. He’s accompanied by a nerdy bigfoot hunter who wants to get definitive pictures of the creature. Eventually they come face to face with the monster, though not with the results they want. While the creature costume is decent enough, there’s never a sense of how large the monster is until we see it standing next to someone towards the end of the movie. It’s about ten feet tall. I primarily watched this on the Chiller Channel because it’s another bigfoot movie—but it’s one of the worst, so be warned.

Savage is Loose, The (1974)

A man, his wife and young son are stranded on a tropical island in the early 1900’s and must cope with the idea that they’ll probably never be rescued. The parents must teach their son how to survive in the wilds, since he’ll probably still be alive after his folks are dead, and the father embarks on endless teaching of ‘the strong kill the weak’. When the son reaches manhood he realizes that his enemy is no longer his deadly environment but his loneliness. His parents have each other but he has no one. And with no other woman to direct his needs towards he starts falling in love, in the wrong way, with his mother. Eventually he decides that his father is his enemy and that he must eliminate the old man in order to marry his mother. There is a battle between the two men and a rather surprising ending to the movie. Directed and starring George C. Scott, written by Max Ehrlich & Frank De Felita (Audrey Rose).

Savage Island (2004)

A husband, wife and kid travel to a remote island in the North Pacific to visit her parents. Once their boat docks they are picked up by her brother, who drives recklessly. In fact, later that night he accidently runs over a child and dismisses it as an animal. This child belongs to a family of squatters who are also living on the island. They show up the next day at the in-laws, demanding that they are given their grandchild to call it even. Of course, they refuse, which really ticks off the woods people.The squatters end up capturing and torturing the brother and the in-laws end up dying. The wife and her child are captured and it’s up to the husband to get her back. The only problem is that he’s not exactly an ‘outdoors’ type. The ending of the movie was a surprise, though it makes total sense in a twisted sort of way. Savage Island surprised me, sort of an update of The Hills Have Eyes though the woods people aren’t mutants or cannibals. This doesn’t make the story any less harrowing, however.

Savage Planet (2006)

This low-tech Sci-fi movie begins with an exploratory group on a new planet. They are swinging machetes though it’s not a tropical but deciduous forest, so no one needs the big knives to get around. One woman accidently cuts the hand off a guy (those damn machetes), he falls into a pit, dunks his bleeding stump into a puddle of green goo and rapidly regenerates his hand. Then a giant grizzly-looking bear shows up, so that honestly doesn’t matter.

Back on Earth, six months later, the richest company in the world selects another team to teleport to the planet and explore it. They are told they must recover a type of new plant which can re-oxygenate the Earth’s atmosphere, since the rain forests are long gone. They are really there to get a sample of the green goo so the company can sell it to cure cancer, et cetera. But the group is killed, one by one by the planet’s most ferocious predators— those giant prehistoric bears. Only here they are smarter and hunt in packs. There are lots of CGI gore effects, primarily humans getting their heads swatted off like T-balls. This isn’t a terrible movie but it is an odd one.

Savage Weekend (1985)

A woman and her friends go on a secluded vacation to a woodland lake. But soon accidents start to happen and people disappear. Is it the local crazy man named Otis (William Sanderson) or some other psycho? When it is revealed that the killer is actually the woman’s unstable ex-husband-he is soon killed by ANOTHER killer-and the killing spree has just begun.

Saving Hope  (2012)

In the one-hour pilot of this supernatural television series, two doctors, Charlie Harris (Michael Shanks of Stargate SG-1 series) and Alex Reid (Erica Durance of Smallville), are in a cab, on their way to get married. A car hits them and he soon goes into a deep coma. However, he’s able to see all of this as his spirit is out of his body—and he witnesses what his fiance and others are doing in the hospital. There’s a new surgeon who has arrived and he has a history with Dr. Reid, which I’m sure will complicate future episodes. I found this all rather boring— it’s E.R crossed with A Gifted Man. The supernatural aspect seems thrown in there and the show would probably work better if there wasn’t a ghost.

Saw (2004)

Not nearly as good as the word of mouth leads you to believe. I think many of those who saw this hadn’t been exposed to a great deal of horror movies. The premise is that a ‘serial killer’ abducts individuals, confines them in a room-and in 99% of the cases has the victims kill themselves. The only person who escaped had to kill another person. The main story is of two prisoners, a doctor and a photographer. They are on opposite sides of a room, chained by the ankle. Right then you know what that saw is going to eventually be used for. There’s also a side story of an obsessed police detective (Danny Glover) who wants to catch this guy. In various flashbacks we find out that he suspected the doctor of being the serial killer. We also learn how the photographer and the doctor fit in to the scenario. Granted, there are some tense scenes but there’s far more talking. It kind of reminded me of Cube to a certain extent. My problem with Saw is that is seems way too familiar, is predictable, and the ‘surprise’ ending is taken from a scene in Silence of the Lambs.

Saw 2 (2005)

I found that the pacing and action moved the movie along much better than the first, though the main character, a cop named Eric Matthews (Donnie Wahlberg) is extremely irritating. He only does two things in the movie-he yells and he cries. In fact, his character remains exactly the same from beginning to end, which I suppose was the point, but it is difficult to endure. He’s your ultimate unhappy/corrupt cop stereotype.

There’s a new batch of people abducted by the serial killer Jigsaw (Tobin Bell) and they all have something in common with each other. Matthew’s teenaged son is also among them. They find themselves in a boarded up, booby-trapped house and are told that they’ve been exposed to some form of nerve gas. If they don’t solve the puzzle and find the antidote in two hours they will die, if they aren’t killed off by some other means first. Amanda (Shawnee Smith of The Blob), the only survivor from a previous Jigsaw abduction, returns and finds herself among this group. Emmanuelle Vaugier of House of the Dead II, Cerberus, Painkiller Jane is type-cast again as a bad girl/prostitute. Although the “surprise” at the end was not totally unexpected it nevertheless worked and sets up the possibility of many future sequels. Overall, I enjoyed part 2 more than 1.

Saw 3 (2006)

I think this is the best of the Saw movies so far, as it has some surprising revelations in regard to the first two movies and provides more insight to Jigsaw’s motivations for doing what he does. First, there’s John/Jigsaw who is still dying of cancer-and a woman doctor is forced to keep him alive until the current game is finished—or else she’ll die. The explosive device around her neck is connected to Jigsaw’s heart rate. Jigsaw’s protegee, Amanda (Shawnee Smith), isn’t playing the game fairly and is going against everything her mentor has tried to teach her, which causes a lot of conflict. There’s also a side story of a man (Angus McFadden of Miracles) who wants to get revenge on everyone who was responsible for setting free the driver who killed his son two years before. However, he soon discovers he has second thoughts...

Saw III is a great sequel, putting everything in place and completing the story of Jigsaw, and I hope the ending to the Saw series so that it ends on a good note.

Saw 4 (2007)

These Saw movies keep on getting better and better. Although Jigsaw is dead, he’s still very much a presence in this installment of the franchise. In fact, the movie starts off with his graphic autopsy, as they remove his brain and open his stomach. They find a cassette tape in his stomach and when the police detective plays Jigsaw says the games will continue.

The police suspect there is a third person who has been helping Jigsaw, though it’s a bit more complicated than that. Through his manipulation, he’s able to get a lot of his victims to torture and test themselves. There are lots of flashbacks, particularly of Jigsaw and his wife, which clarifies why he went insane. It wasn’t just because he had cancer - it’s something even worse. The tortures are gruesome and the movie is fast moving. I liked the surrealistic transitions between a lot of the scenes. IV is the best Saw yet.

Saw 5 (2008)

This is another interesting installment in the SAW series, which only continues to improve. Through some clever flashbacks, which thread through the previous movies, the story concentrates on Detective Mark Hoffman (Costas Mandylor) and why he’s continuing Jigsaw’s legacy. Close on his heels is FBI Agent Strahm (Scott Patterson), who is onto Hoffman’s secret. Betsey Russell returns as Jill, Jigsaw’s ex-wife, and Julie Benz (Angel, Dexter) is in a very different role than she usually is. And the gore/torture effects are appropriately gruesome, particularly the pendulum scene at the beginning.

In the future, it would be interesting to see all the Saw movies re-edited so it tells the story in a linear way. It would be different but cool. Recommended viewing for the Halloween season.

Saw 6 (2009)

This installment of the series begins with a suitably nasty scene in which two people have to cut off pieces of themselves and put them on this scale. One is a fat guy who starts slicing off chunks of his stomach, the other a small African American woman who goes for her arm. The one who gets rid of the most flesh wins.

The main crux of the story revolves around Detective Hoffman (Costas Madylor), who is continuing Jigsaw’s (Tobin Bell) legacy. He is kidnapping more people who affected his mentor’s life—but is he doing exactly what Jigsaw wants? Then there is William (Peter Outerbridge of ReGenesis), the insurance agent who had denied an experimental cancer treatment to him and who is now suffering the repercussions of that hasty decision. He is put to the test, in an abandoned zoo, and forced to make life and death decisions about others. Hoffman is also tested and the way the movie ends may put future events in an unexpected direction.

What I continue to enjoy about the SAW movies is that they keep on building upon one another and supply new information about the characters. There’s much more involvement by Jigsaw’s former wife, Jill (Betsy Russell), and we witness the jealously between Amanda (Shawnee Smith of The Blob) and Hoffman, which resulted in her death. And of course, there’s plenty of screen time , via flashbacks of Jigsaw/John himself (Tobin Bell). The editing is also an important factor to this franchise and this time around it’s directed by Kevin Greutert, who has edited all of the previous Saw movies. This, perhaps, makes him the best person to direct the continuing franchise. If you’ve enjoyed the previous Saw movies you will not be disappointed by this sixth one. It is, of course, the perfect Halloween movie.

Saw: The Final Chapter (2010)

Bobby Dagen (Sean Patrick Flanery of Dead Zone Tv series, Powder) is famous. He’s survived being kidnapped by Jigsaw years before and has written a self-help book about it. He’s rich and has a new wife (Gina Holden of Jules Vernes’ Mysterious Island) who believes his cause of self-improvement through adversity. He even attends Jigsaw survivor support group. However, when he goes to one which is being videotaped Doctor Lawrence Gordon (Cary Elwes) shows up. You see, he actually survived the first movie. He knows Dagen is full of crap because, you see, Dagen has made up the entire story. This gets him in trouble and he’s kidnapped, along with his entourage. In order to save his wife from being burned to death in a kiln he has to try to save his associates one by one. It’s harrowing. The main detective this time is Det. Matt Gibson, who has had some run ins with Detective Mark Hoffman (Costas Mandylor), who is Jigsaw’s assistant. When Jigsaw’s wife comes to him, telling of Hoffman’s guilt in all these murders, he puts her in a safe house and tries to protect her. Let’s just say things go horribly out of control

I think this may be the goriest Saw movie of them all. I saw this in 2-D and can only imagine the 3-D was very effective. I really liked this seventh movie. It brings in a completely new story line, manages to bring Jigsaw (Tobin Bell) back in an interesting flashback, and concludes what happens to Jigsaw’s wife (Betsy Russell) and has an unexpected but fitting twist that puts a whole different light on the entire SAW series. Recommended.

Scanner Darkly, A (2006)

This movie adaptation of the Phillip K. Dick novel by director Richard Linklater is much more faithful to the source material and very timely. I think what works best is that all of the actors appear as if they are animated (a type of rotoscoping effect), which creates a surreal feeling and allows some special effects that probably would not work otherwise. Wynona Rider gives a decent performance as does star Keanu Reeves, who portrays a government official who ends up having to spy on himself.

The movie takes place “seven years in the future”, where the majority of the populace is addicted to a new drug which eventually turns your brain into potatoes. An entire police force is dedicated to eliminating this problem but they ironically end up being the source of it. Problems arise when Reeves becomes addicted to the pills himself and can’t distinguish what is reality.

Don’t rent this movie if you think you’ll see exploding heads as in Cronenberg’s classic Scanners. On the other hand, if you want a movie to think about then by all means go ahead and check it out.

Scarecrow (2003)

What a pile of horse manure. In this stereotypical story, stereotypical characters taunt the stereotypical nerd, who, of course, wants revenge like Carrie. He also looks like Eminem. One day he finds his alcoholic trailer-trash mother banging some redneck-and the hillbilly is so upset he chases the kid into the nearby cornfield and strangles him to death. Before you can say ‘resurrection’, the boy’s spirit goes into the scarecrow and the killings begin. One by one he slays all the people who made fun of him. Okay. First of all, the writer should get forty lashes. As with 95% of Killer Scarecrow movies made, this is a rehash of the classic The Dark Night of the Scarecrow. Second, all of the characters appear to be the same age-in fact, the nerdy kid’s mother looks the same age as he does. Third, a LOT of the camera shots are out of focus-maybe it was the DP’s first movie or something. You get what you pay for. And last but not least there is absolutely no consistency between the nerd and the scarecrow and they’re supposed to be the same person! They act totally different from each other! The only good thing that happened with this movie is that it ended! Brought to you by the people at York Video.

Scary Movie 3 (2004)

Everything from The Ring to The Matrix to The Others to Signs to the movie 8 Mile is spoofed in this go round. Although not as funny as the first two movies it does have its moments, such as when one of the aliens tries to disguise itself in a Michael Jackson-skin suit. That was indeed scary!

Scary Movie 4 (2006)

This third sequel isn’t as good as part 3 (or 1 or 2), but it’s still an entertaining movie, particularly in the way in which they combine scenes/events from Saw to The Grudge, to War of the Worlds and The Village. The Tom Cruise jokes are funny as is the scene with a faux Michael Jackson that’s right on the mark.

Scary Tales (2001)

Mike Hoffman’s feature debut is an above-average anthology about an unemployed man named Dennis Frye seeking work at an off-kilter job placement office run by Joel D. Wynkoop. But instead of telling him what the job entails Wynkoop goes on about what will happen to him once he takes the job. In one case he’s working at a catering company—and on the way home he hit-and-runs a young girl and her doll. And then the doll starts to show up wherever he is until he finally gets its revenge. His next job scenario is at a bookstore where he falls in love with one of the customers. By reading a book on how to have an ‘out-of-body’ experience he visits her at night and subliminally tells her that she’s in love with him. But he ends up returning to his body too late—and his body is dead. The woman wakes up and realizes she’s in love with him—but it’s too late. You get the idea. This strong wraparound hook works really well for the three stories and Bill Cassinelli as Dennis Frye is perfect in the role of the ‘average joe’ character. Scary Tales is an entertaining movie.

Scary Tales: The Return of Mr. Longfellow (2005)

The movie begins with a serial killer, Don Leifert, who is trying to trade in his recently stolen car at a used car dealership. It turns out that this place is run by Mr. Longfellow (Joel D. Wynkoop), who had run a temp agency in the first Scary Tales movie. Longfellow insists on telling the serial killer a story about each of the cars he has to offer-and they are some pretty weird, imaginative tales. The first is Charlie’s Demons, in which members of a group therapy retreat are killed off one by one-and it seems that the psychiatrist is responsible. Or is something much more unexpected going on? I really liked the twist ending, although it’s almost identical to that used in a recent Hollywood movie. As this independent flick was shot in 2002, it was done here first. The one thing I could have done without, and I see this in countless movies that deal with psychiatrists and psychiatry, is that this avenue of mental help is always viewed as a bad thing, with either the psychiatrist evil or the therapy being damaging. I bring this up as I know people in the field-and this movie bias continually irks them. Anyways, that is my only gripe. The next story, Dennis Frye vs. The Zombies, re-introduces a character from the first Scary Tales movie who is working in a convenience store. He’s in love with a woman named Sarah (Felissa Rose), who sees past his nerdiness, though she’s somewhat unavailable. Dennis is also continually harassed by this gang of thugs, ‘The Zombies’, who come into the store and take whatever they want. Then, one day, a stranger comes in with a box of magic chocolate bars, warning Dennis that they’ll make a good man more powerful and a bad man more evil. Well, the gang eats the bars and they turn into their namesakes. Dennis takes a bite-and is filled with a new confidence in order to battle the undead. It’s a bit corny but it works. The third story is about a thief who checks into a creepy motel after nearly having a fatal car accident. Although you know right away that it was really a fatal car accident, it’s done entertainingly enough so that you don’t mind. One of the things that make this movie is that it features some good cameos by cult ‘B-Movie’ actors. After seeing Joe Estevez in Ron Ford’s Dead Season—and again in this movie, I’m starting to become a fan. Joel D. Wynkoop is, as always, over the top in a hilarious way. Felissa Rose (Sleepaway Camp, Corpses are Forever, Nikos the Impaler) looks the best I’ve ever seen her in a movie and Robert Z’Dar’s (who portrays a cop) chin has grown by leaps and bounds.I enjoyed this video more than the first Scary Tales. Highly recommended for those who enjoy horror anthologies.

Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed (2004)

I enjoyed the first movie, primarily because it was kind of fascinating to see how they could translate a cartoon to a ‘real-life’ movie with actors. Aside from the nostalgia factor the movie had an edge because it had the team breaking up. And it had an interesting villain who turned out to be who you didn’t expect. This sequel, on the other hand, is totally flat, feeling like a step backwards. A Museum devoted to the exploits of the Scooby Team is opening in Cool Town-but old costumes start to disappear and those old villains are starting to reappear. Are they actually coming back to haunt them or is someone recreating them? It’s excruciating waiting to find out.The title does tell it like it is——Scooby’s #2.

Scorcher (2002)

Some of Earth’s tectonic plates are moving in such a way as to expose the surface to the power of the inner core, which would decimate life on the planet. John Rhys-Davis is an expert geologist who is working for the US government to stop this from happening. Also on the team is his estranged daughter and an special military agent (Mark Dacascos). It turns out that the only solution is to explode several nuclear bombs in the heart of Los Angeles, which will prevent the plates from moving and thus save everyone. There’s a subplot involving a government conspiracy, and another about Dacascos’ daughter, who becomes stranded in the evacuated city. This isn’t a bad movie, just sort of one of those generic end of the world movies you’ll see on Sci-Fi Channel.

Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior (2008)

This is much more in tone of the Hercules television series than The Scorpion King movie, though it fills in the gaps, acting as a prequel to “the Rock’s” starring feature. It’s one of those period movies in which everyone has a 21st Century attitude and speech patterns. It’s basically a revenge movie, with the young Mathayus (Michael Copon) wanting to kill the despot, Sargon (Randy Couture) who killed his father. Helping him are Layla (Karen David), a love interest, and Ari, a Greek poet. Sargon gets his magical powers from the goddess Astarte (Natalie Becker) and she’s as good a villain you’ll find in any Sinbad movie. I can see this as a decent enough direct-to-video series, in the absence of any other sword & sorcery show out there. Directed by Russell Mulcahy (Resident Evil: Extinction), who has been on a good role lately.

Scorpius Gigantus (2006)

A US army convoy in an Eastern European country is hijacked and killed for it’s cargo, a new form of weapon. But it’s a giant hybrid arachnid, as the crooks find out when they are killed. The creature escapes. The general in charge of the project requests that Major Nick Reynold’s (Jeff Fahey of Lost) squad recover it, though he won’t tell him what the missing weapon is, which is sort of a mistake. I mean, wouldn’t help to know that you’re after an animate giant animal rather than some inanimate guns?

There’s also a woman geneticist, Dr. Jane Preston, who had developed the creature. She explains to one of her investors how the bugs will grow much larger in size in just a matter of hours, so the longer they are loose the more dangerous they will become. But she doesn’t know that its venom is transforming its victims into these crazy zombie people.

This movie is exactly like a dozen others, most of which have seen broadcast on the Sci-Fi Channel. The worst thing of all is that the CGI animation is brief and bad and the creature doesn’t really look like a scorpion. The movie is gigantus mess.

Scrapbook (2000)

A young serial killer, who has been killing since he was a teenager, abducts a woman and psychologically and physically tortures her. There’s lots of frontal nudity, both male and female, and a sense of doom pervading throughout. This movie really reminded me of Last House on the Left and I Spit on Your Grave. If you’re in the mood for a depressing and rather nasty film experience then this will do the deal. Directed by Eric Stanze, who previously directed Ice from the Sun.

Scream 4 (2011)

It is ten years since the events of the last movie. Sidney Prescott returns to her hometown for a book signing—and is visited by Ghostface, who begins the killing yet again. Dewey Riley (David Arquette) is the sheriff and is still married to Gale Weathers (Courteney Cox)—and they both, separately, try to figure out the killer’s identity.

A whole new crop of teenagers are stalked and killed—and it’s all pretty much routine, though better done than the first two sequels.

I was surprised at who the killer turned out to be—I should have figured it out but the script did a good job of distracting you from guessing. Hopefully this finishes off the Scream franchise as there’s not a lot else they can do with it at this point. Maybe Ghostface in Space?

Screamers: The Hunting (2009)

I must say that they did a decent enough job of matching the look of the first movie, though in the end it’s a needless sequel that regurgitates what was established in the first, and better, film.

The premise is that Earth gets a distress call from planet Sirius 6-B and they send out a rescue ship, which includes Lt. Victoria Bronte (Gina Holden), who turns out is the daughter of the Peter Weller character in the first movie. Once they get there they discover that a comet will obliterate the atmosphere in a few days, making the planet uninhabitable, so if there are any survivors they have a very set time limit. They do find survivors living in the mines—and also the Screamers, which use human bodies for spare parts. Lance Henricksen shows up at the inventor of the Screamers. One by one the humans are hunted down, until only Lt. Bronte and one of the guys are still alive. Or are they?

The one good thing I have to say about this sequel is that the special effects are great—and nasty. Otherwise, if you’re tempted to rent this out stop yourself and re-watch the first movie again. You will be happier in doing so.

Screaming Dead, The  (2004)

This new E.I Cinema produced shot-on-video movie is one of their better movies ...but it’s also the worst Brett Piper movie I’ve ever seen. An artsty-fartsy photographer, who always seems pissed off, takes several young girls to an old abandoned house so he can photograph them in various compromising positions. But in order to rent the supposedly haunted abode, he has to put up with a security guy who is assigned to make sure nothing happens to them. He’s not thrilled with the idea. He soon becomes interested in one of the women and the photographer is dead set against it.The original owner of the house appears in the form of a zombie/ghost and speaks in a reverberating voice. He kills the photographer and captures the girls, with the intention of torturing them on his many torture devices. Of course, the security guy figures out how to get rid of the ghost and saves all the girls. The charm of a lot of Piper’s movies are the special effects, usually stop-motion-animation, as in Arachnia and Psychlops. But what’s lacking is a sense of humor and fun I normally associate with is productions. Also, the box art has absolutely nothing to do with the movie-you never see that actress or that monster.

Screams of a Winter Night  (1979)

The last ten minutes of this movie makes it worth watching the whole thing. A group of ten people go up to a remote cabin in the woods, said to be the haunting grounds of some indian spirits, and start telling ghost stories. There’s one that’s basically the urban legend of ‘The Hook’ and an extremely creepy one about three college guys staying overnight in a haunted house. The goofiest thing about this movie is that everyone looks way too old for the parts-and that when some of the stories are told the actors telling it (or who are in the group) are portraying the characters in the various stories. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn’t. That ending, though, surprised me and left me with a jolt. I just wish the rest of the movie was that intense

Screen Kill (1998)

Doug, a wedding videographer, is huge horror fan with aspirations of making his own movies. When he encounters Ralis (Al Durago), the creepy lead singer of a theatrical rock band, they set out to make their own horror film. But during the murder scene the special effects turn out to be far too real, for Ralis is really killing them. Doug, while surprised, is nevertheless fascinated by this real life horror...and the grisly murder scenes continue. Most of the murder scenes are over the top, courtesy of diretor Doug Ulrich, who is also a professional makeup artist: The scene where a hanging woman is chainsawed in half is the highpoint of this gorefest. Competently shot and acted, this slasher film offers a slightly demented representation of the world of micro-budget filmmaking—in fact, the movie is ‘loosely’ based on film maker Doug Ulrich and Al Darago’s early years of making movies.

Sculptress, The (1996)

Rosalind Leigh (Caroline Goodall), an author, is convinced by her agent to do a book about a murderess named Olive Martin (Pauline Quirke). Her nickname is “The Sculptress” because of the way she dismembered her mother and sister and arranged the various parts. Yet the more Rosalind investigates, the more she becomes convinced that Olive was wrongly accused and is innocent of the crime. The writer tracks down the former detective who arrested the woman-and tries to get him to re-investigate the case, which he is reluctant to do, as he almost passed out when he saw all that carnage years ago. This three-hour UK movie keeps you guessing the outcome until the end.

Sea Beast (2009)

During a storm at sea the captain of a fishing boat (Corin Nemec) witnesses one of his crew members getting eaten by a giant, semi-transparent monster. One of the creatures hitches onto the bottom of his boat and he ends up bringing it into town, where it proceeds to reproduce. Then, the beasts start munching on the inhabitants. But before they start feeding they spit out this acidic goop that paralyzes the victims,so that they are very aware of being eaten—and can do nothing about it.

The movie is an amalgamation of things we’ve already seen (or not seen) in Peter Benchley’s Beast, Humanoids from the Deep (the original) and Predator. When the monsters are visible they are cool looking, sort of like these humanoid frogs. In fact, the original title of this was Troglodyte.

Sea Snakes (2009)

Two scientists are on a secluded island doing experiments on snakes. One of them is Krista Allen (Feast, Final Destination 4) , who is not convincing as a herpetologist at all. In the first five minutes one of them and two local snake wranglers are attacked by a giant mutant reptile. Then, some of the smaller ones get loose. The reason the scientists are doing all this is to create a vaccine, with the snake venom, that will work against most biological war attacks. Then the military wants to evacuate them because of the threat of the Chinese military and send Luke Perry and his submarine to pick them up. Only the scientists bring the highly poisonous snakes aboard. They escape and start killing the crew. All of them are real snakes except for two really really fake looking computer ones that make ridiculous growling noises. Let’s just put it this way— these snakes are so unconvincing it makes the special effects in an Asylum movie look like Avatar.

This killer animal movie is better than most of the ones I’ve seen on the Syfy Channel, primarily because it has a good cast. Also known as Silent Venom. Directed by Fred Olen Ray.

Seaquest DSV: Season One (1993)

In the year 2021 Captain Nathan Bridger (Roy Scheider) is coerced out of retirement to command the Seaquest, a huge submarine that he designed years before, after the previous captain (Shelley Hack of Charlie’s Angels television series) goes psycho. In fact, the first episode involves her trying to bring down her former command. Of course, she doesn’t win, or else there’d be no show.

The main premise of the show is that because of Earth’s overpopulation, people have started colonizing the oceans with underwater cities and nations and Seaquest, as part of the UEO (United Earth Oceans) is there to help and enforce UEO laws. The crew consists of Commander Jonathan Ford (Don Franklin), Lt. Cmdr. Katherine Hitchcock (Stacy Haiduk of Luther the Geek), Lt. Benjamin Krieg (John D’Aquino), Dr. Kristin Wesphalen (Stephanie Beacham of Dracula 1971) and Lucas Wolenczak (Jonathan Brandis of IT), boy genius who is sort of the equivalent of the Wesley Crusher character from Star Trek: The Next Generation. There’s also Darwin, a dolphin that can talk via a system Lucas has devised. The first half a dozen episodes start off very scientific, then when they discover a hundred year old ship on the bottom of the ocean haunted by two ghosts they have to put to rest. The doctor is possessed by one of the spirits. The funniest episode is when one of the crew members finds these huge glowing gemstones on the ocean floor and they turn out to be the bioluminescent droppings of a giant monster squid.

The special effects are top-notch, though I think a bit too murky at times. The dumbest, part, however, is that during the end credits some “Mr Wizard” guy comes on and tells us facts about the oceans. Lame. Seaquest is a decent enough show, a great thematic followup to Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea.

Seaquest DSV: Season Two (1994)

In the second season, much of the crew is changed. Gone are the older cast members except for Roy Scheider, with the introduction of mostly young characters. These include Dr. Smith (Rosalind Allen), who replaces Stephanie Beacham as the ship’s doctor. She’s also a psychic, which plays into several story lines. Then there’s Tony Piccollo (Michael DeLuise), who is sort of a wise-guy and has been augmented with gills, like a fish, and can breath underwater. Also among the new crew is helmswoman Lonnie Henderson (Kathy Eveson), who is on board just for the “cute” factor, though she unlikely ends up becoming like Ripley from Alien by the last episode of the season. The most entertaining and interesting new character is Dagwood (Peter DeLuise) a GELF (Genetically Enhanced Life Form). The Gelf’s were created to be the ultimate soldiers and are stronger and need less oxygen to breath than normal humans. Dagwood was one of the first to be created, though he’s anything but a soldier, being far more like Lenny from Of Mice and Men. However, the show still has Lucas Wolenczak and Darwin, the talking dolphin.

The episodes are much more fantastical than in the first season, presenting an earth that needs huge air refineries to produce oxygen since the rain forests were destroyed. In the first two episodes a renegade colony of Gelf’s start destroying them, as they can survive with less air. There’s some chemistry between Nathan Bridger and Dr. Smith, though they get that straightened out. Commander Jonathan Ford (Don Franklin), who was so uptight in the first season, is more laid back, primarily because he’s hanging out with Wolenczak, Piccolo and Dagwood.

The season ends with the Seaquest and crew being transported to another planet where they help stop an alien war. It ends with Wolenczak, Dagwood and Darwin as seemingly the only survivors, floating in an inflatable raft on an alien planet.

Seaquest 2032 (1995)

The third and final season of this show begins ten years after the end of the finale of the second season, in which the Seaquest was transported to help fight a war on an alien water world. Earth is a different place, with warring factions and rising ocean levels. Ever since Seaquest disappeared a decade earlier, the United Earth Oceans has lost a lot of its power. But there is one man who has always been searching for Seaquest—Captain Oliver Hudson (Michael Ironside). Then members of the Seaquest crew mysteriously reappear on Earth, the same age they were when they left. And the mega submarine itself appears in the middle of crops in the Midwest.

Once the surviving handful of members from the crew are reunited, Nathan Bridger (Roy Scheider) explains that their memories were wiped for their own protection. He decides to retire and spend time with a grandson he’s just discovered he’s had, and Hudson takes over as the captain of the ship. Surprisingly, I liked him better as the Captain, as he’s a much more interesting character.

Three new major villains are introduced. One is Deon, a business mogul who is always at odds with the UEO. Then there’s Alexander Bourne (Michael York), president of the newly found country of Macronesia. And last but not least—and introduced in the last and best episode of the season, is the Chow-Dai, a secretive country off of China who have ruthless warriors. One of their pilots, Kimora, decides to defect to the Seaquest and she ends up joining the crew. I think this character would have been the “Seven of Nine” of this show, if it continued.

Searching For Haizmann (2003)

Although this movie goes the Blair Witch Project route it is quite well done and has its creepy moments. A young man is being documented (by a documentary producer) as he and his two female friends search for a man named Haizmann, a painter who sold his soul to the devil in the 1600’s. It seems that quite a few people believe he’s still walking around and that recent painting done by him have surfaced. Experts are also interviewed in the documentary, which feature cameos by Tippi Hedren (as psychiatrist) and Clint Howard (as a monk). Flounder from Animal House also has an appearance. It was cool seeing these people in a shot-on-video project. There are plenty of creepy scenes and situations throughout Haizmann —and the ending is particularly anxiety provoking.

Season of the Witch (2011)

The best part of this movie is the first five minutes, in which three women accused of being witches are about to be hung over the side of a bridge by the Catholic Church. It seems like they are all innocent but afterwards one of them comes back to “life” and hangs the priest. Then we go to a hundred years later, to the various campaigns of the Crusades, in which knights were trying to reclaim the Holy Land. Two of these soldiers are Behman (Nicolas Cage) and Felson (Ron Perlman of Mutant Chronicles). But after they are forced to kill some women and children they bail the army and go off on their own. They are captured and are to be killed as deserters unless they help transport an accused witch to a monastery. They are joined by some other soldiers and go through some obstacles, like the stereotypical rotting suspension bridge.

Nicholas Cage is sleepwalking through this one—it doesn’t even seem he’s making an effort. Ron Perlman hangs in there as his sidekick. The thing, though, is that the girl doesn’t even turn to be a witch—she’s something else entirely, and the last half hour degenerates to a lot of chasing around by a CGI gargoyle-like monster. Definitely NOT recommended.

Second Coming, The (2003)

Stephen Baxter (Christopher Eccleston, who is so great at the new Doctor Who), is an average Joe who works in a video store in England and has never done anything spectacular in his life. Then, one day, he disappears for over a month, much to the concern of his friends, particularly Judith Roach (Lesley Sharp), who was the last to see him. When he does reappear it’s at a mental hospital. He is convinced that he is the Son of God. Of course, no one believes him-until he performs what seems to be a miracle at a local Stadium. He also doesn’t know what he’s going to do in the future. The information comes to him like a download from a computer.

Soon, people do start believing him-and his speeches are telecast throughout the world. He tells everyone that mankind must write a Third Testament within three days or else the world will end. He’s inundated with manuscripts, far more than he or anyone else can read within that time. Also, we’re shown individuals who are influenced by dark forces-and they start talking to Judith, to bring her on their side, as she’s the one Steven listens to the most. When they speak or do things their eyes glow this malevolent yellow, sort of like the baby in Rosemary’s Baby.

The ending of this movie surprised me, as it wasn’t what I expected, and it at first seemed anti-climatic until the more I thought about it. A very thought-provoking, original mini-series from the UK.

Secret Adventures of Tom Thumb, The (1993)

A woman gives birth to a really small baby, whom the father names Tom Thumb. The baby matures but doesn’t get any larger than about five inches tall—so he gets small clothes and furniture for him. But the kid is snatched by the evil government agents who imprison him in this really strange lab where they are creating mutant creatures. Tom eventually escapes from the clutches of the giant humans, with the help of a friendly monster, and discovers a whole colony of little people like himself. Then, he’s forced to choose between being one of them or going back to his father. Although all the humans are real people everything in this movie is stop-motion animated. Very surreal, like one of those Rankin Bass Christmas specials as if made by David Lynch. Definitely worth checking out. Conceived, written, edited and directed by Dve Borthwick.

Secret Circle, The (2011)

Cassie (Britt Robertson) is a sixteen year old girl who moves in with her grandmother , Jane Blake (Ashley Crow of Heroes) after her mother is killed in a household fire. What she doesn’t know is that the fire was caused by a witch, Charles Meade, and that he wanted her to move to her mother’s home town of New Salem. This is because, as a descendent of one of the six families of witches, she completes a power circle. Once in her new town she meets the others— a bad girl, a good girl, a potential boyfriend, Adam (Thomas Dekker of The Sarah Connor Chronicles). We learn that there are three survivors of the previous cirlce, which include the principle of the high school (Natasha Henstridge of Species I, II), Adam’s alcoholic father, and Charles Meade, who turns out to be a lawyer (of course!). Because of some catastrophe that had killed the other three, they were stripped of their powers. Now, because of this new batch of witches, they may somehow be able to get it back. By the end of the show’s second episode, in which Cassie finally agrees to complete the circle, I can see where this is going—along the lines of Vampire Diaries and Teen Wolf, which is fine if you’re a teenager.

Secret of Bigfoot, The (1975)

In this Six-Million Dollar Man two parter Colonel Steve Austin discovers an alien race in the San Andreas fault after a battle with Sasquatch. This creature is half primitive alien/half cybernetic and created by a woman scientist named Shalon (Stefanie Powers). They’ve been observing earth for the past two-hundred and fifty years, though from their perspective it’s only been two years. The government is in the area because they want to prevent a huge earthquake from decimating the coastline and the only way to do this is to set off a nuclear device that will create an earthquake in the mountains and diffuse the pressure. But this will destroy the alien’s complex and they don’t want that to happen so they send Shalon to diffuse it. It’s up to the Six-Million dollar man to get past Bigfoot and stop her, which he does.He then goes back and helps the aliens out of the rubble, with the help of the Sasquatch. In the end, he leaves the visitors to their studies, but not before they erase all memory of their encounter from his mind. After the detonated Earthquake Oscar Goldman finds him asleep in the woods, not being able to account for the past two days.

Secret Window (2004)

As he did in Pirates of the Caribbean (2003) Johnny Depp makes this movie better than it should be. Based on a so-so short by Stephen King, it’s about author Mort Rainey who is being stalked by a man (John Turturro) who claims that he was ripped off. He insists Rainey stole his story idea-and changed the ending. He wants the author to acknowledge this, give him the proper credit, and to also reprint the story with the original ending. This all freaks Rainey out, as he knows that he wrote the story years before. Yet the man kills his pet dog, burns down his soon-to-be ex-wife’s house, and kills a few of his friends.At first he thinks the person responsible for this is his wife’s boyfriend (Timothy Hutton of The Dark Half), as there are too many coincidences-but then begins to doubt his own sanity.I saw the ‘surprise’ end coming a mile away-but Depp’s performance is quirky enough that you’ll sit and watch it anyways. Secret Window is among the 75 percent of bad Stephen King adaptations.

See No Evil (2006)

This throwback to 80’s Slasher movies is much better than I expected it to be. First, it gives a good reason why all these teenagers are in this old, abandoned building wandering around-they are working off prison sentences by help restoring an old landmark. Unfortunately it’s inhabited by an insane albino looking killer who has a hole in his head from a previous encounter with a cop, who ironically is the man in charge of the “inmates”. Rather than using blades on his fingers or a machete, this killer primarily uses a hook attached to a chain and drags his victims back to his lair. There are black and white flashbacks to his abusive childhood, the source of his present day malfunction and desire to kill. Once he captures someone he plucks out their eyes and plops them in a jar, hence the title “See No Evil”. Wrestler Kane is perfect in this role, conveying a surprising amount of emotion from his expressions. I can see him doing a lot of these types of movies.

Seed of Chucky (2004)

Don Mancini, who has written or co-written every Child’s Play movie, finally gets a chance to direct the latest installment of the killer doll franchise. This is probably the most entertaining ‘Chucky’ movie, really diving into the genre and having some fun with it. The spawn of Chucky and Tiffany takes the name Glen, though he sometimes thinks of himself as Glenda (of course, an homage to the Ed Wood movie-and even to Psycho). His confusion arises from the fact that he’s not anatomically correct-he’s not anything. He also has mixed feelings about his parents killing people. Jennifer Tilly, in addition to doing the voice of Tiffany, portrays herself, which takes some balls. There’s plenty of gore, mayhem and laughs in this very tongue-in-cheek sequel.

Seeker (1997)

Will is a 13 year old boy who is interested in the new girl at his English school. She gets his interest by dropping her red scarf on the school bus. His brother is visiting from America, home from college, and takes over his bedroom so he has to go up and stay in the old attic. The next day it’s his birthday and another brother, this one overseas, sends him a belt with these strange swirling designs in it. He soon starts seeing these particular designs in everything. When he’s at the mall the 2 security guards accuse him of stealing and take him to “Show them a sign” and one of the guys keeps tapping, with a clawe, not a hand. Will runs and they transform into ravens. He finds out that some of his teachers know about this and they serve the light. A sinister looking guy, The Rider, serves the dark ones. Thousands of years ago a battle was fought and the earth saved. The light was hidden in six signs and Will is the Seeker. So he has just five days time in order to find all of these signs, since he’s the 7th son of a 7th son and all of that.

There was just way too much exposition in the script, telling him what’s going on, what he has to do, blah blah blah. It doesn’t help that the kid is so girly he makes Harry Potter look like Conan the Barbarian.

Seeking a Friend For the End of the World (2012)

An asteroid is going to hit earth, destroying all life on the planet. After his wife abruptly leaves him, rather than spend her last days with him, a man named Dodge (Steve Carrell) goes on a road trip to reunite with his high school sweet heart, who he believes is the love of his life. He’s accompanied by Penny (Keira Knightley), his next door neighbor who has nowhere to go, since her family is in England and she’s missed all the last flights. They encounter a lot of weird characters, including the staff at a Friendly’s who are too friendly. Eventually, Dodge realizes he’s in love with his new travel companion. Not exactly a comedy, it’s along the lines of the Canadian movie Last Day.

Seizure (1974)

Edmund Blackstone (Jonathan Frid of the original Dark Shadows), an author who is writing a children’s horror novel, invites a bunch of Bohemian friends for the weekend. Yet, he’s uneasy about the situation, especially when he sees someone he thought he made up. He’s also not the only one having otherworldly experiences—an aging woman named Eunice is contacted by her dead husband and he tells her to trust the diminutive man (Herve Villechaize) that appears in her bedroom. He gives her an ointment and tells her if she uses it she’ll be young again. It doesn’t quite work out how she plans.

As the evening goes on Blackstone’s young son becomes afraid of him. A guest who is supposed to have a midnight rendezvous with another guy’s wife is strangled to death by a dark haired woman, The Queen of Evil (Martine Beswicke of Dr Jeckyll & Sister Hyde, One Million Years B.C.). Then, the midget breaks into the house with all of the other guests and the doors lock. He starts kicking everyone and Blackstone is thrown against a wall by a giant black guy. When the guests wake up, bound, the Queen of Evil explains that they represent death in various incarnations. In fact, one of the guests surmises who they all are—a demented king from the Middle Ages, a famed executioner and Kali, the Hindu Goddess of Death. The survivors are all made to race each other outside and the loser will be executed. The old rich guy has a heart attack. Blackstone and his wife make it to their car but it won’t start. The black giant almost gets them. And then they make Blackstone fight Mary Woronov.

The entire movie is surreal and dreamlike and has this very uncomfortable feel to it, which is intended. Seizure is an odd movie that sticks with you and is definitely worth a viewing. Directed by Oliver Stone.

Sentinel 2099 (1995)

In the late 20th century a plague decimated most of humanity. In the early 21st century a race of blue skinned aliens called the Zisk arrive, offering a cure for the disease. As it turns out they aren’t really benefactors but invaders. Although obviously done on a low budget it’s an extremely ambitious film with lots of miniatures and explosions and most of the forced perspective shots work quite well

Serenity (2005)

Fans of the short-lived sci-fi tv show Firefly will love this movie. Even if you’ve never seen it this is a good introduction to the characters and the film puts you in the thick of the action. The 120 minutes flies by.It’s a year or so after the last episode of the series and Mal (the Captain of Serenity) and his passengers/crew have continued to avoid the Alliance, the ruling government, and continue to survive on the fringes of civilization. But the Alliance wants something they have-a young woman named River who was part of their experiments in conditioning a human to become an ultimate weapon. The Reavers play a big part in this. The Reavers are these people who are incredibly aggressive, self-mutilating and cannibalistic. They give Star Trek’s The Borg a run for their money. The Reavers not only tie in to the Alliance but to River’s origins. A few of the characters are also killed off in typical Joss Whedon style, which will significantly change the dynamics of the characters if there are any more sequels. Highly recommended.

Serial Killing 101 (2003)

A high schooler, Casey Noland (Jason Urich), is influenced by a suicidal girl (Lisa Loeb) to become a serial killer. He likes the idea, though he has a hard time dissecting the fetal pig in science class. He thinks that if he practices on older people that he’ll get the hang of it-but when he goes to the retirement home to do the deed he’s distracted and chickens out. In the meantime, he and the weird chick do a lot of research about serial killers, which leads to Casey improving his grades (serial killers are smart) and dressing differently (serial killers blend in). Casey is also having a difficult time with his gym teacher, Mr. Grimaldi (Thomas Haden Church of Demon Knight), who constantly belittles him. When Casey writes in his class what he wants to be for a career, he says he wants to be a serial killer. This concerns the teacher, who recommends that Casey see the school psychiatrist. Seeing her enables him to skip his gym class so he readily agrees. While all this is happening there are reports of the serial killer’s victims on the news. A local detective thinks it might be Casey and has him watched. Who the serial killer is is surprising. This is an engaging movie, though it doesn’t get gory until the last ten minutes or so. Also known as Serial Killing 4 Dummies.

Series 7 (2000)

In this ‘reality based’ series, five contenders must try to kill each other, with the survivor being the winner. Basically, a re-working of The 10th Victim. The reigning champion is a nine-month pregnant woman and the other contestants are a nurse, an unemployed goombah, a teenager, an old man and a man dying of testicular cancer, who just happens to be an old high school flame of hers. We’re introduced to the quirky characters but can most relate to the pregnant chic. This is a hilarious send-up of reality shows, exactly how a spoof should be done.

Serum (2006)

This is a variation of the The Strange Case of Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde, this time with a scientist experimenting on human subjects. He believes that humans have the ability to heal themselves from serious afflictions and that this serum he’s developed will unlock that ability (but if people have this ability, why would they need this serum?????)

When his funding is jeopardized because he’s using mentally unbalanced humans, who have a negative reaction to his concoction, he takes a gamble and experiments on his nephew, a pre-med student who was hit by a car. However, the serum transforms him into a raging beast-man as well, with a taste for brains. With the exception of Derek Phillips as the student/Hyde, all the other actors simply suck—and the makeup effects of the creatures are pitiful. Pitiful!

Seven Days: Season One (1998)

In the pilot episode of this television time-travel series, quirky Lt. Frank Parker (Jonathan LaPaglia), who had spent the past few years in a military mental facility, volunteers for this time travel experiment. It’s this octagon shaped vehicle that is blasted into orbit and then lands up to seven days in the past. He stops rogue Russians from killing the President of the US —and also prevents the death of his own son in the collateral damage. Then, in the second episode 97 percent of the human population dies from a mutation of the Ebola virus and it’s up to him to go back in time and stop the guy from stealing it and releasing it at an airport. hen there’s an episode in which he’s split in two, into a “good” and “bad” version of himself, which is interesting, though every sci-fi show always has this kind of episode.

The last two episodes deal with the source of the technology that makes time-travel possible—and the Roswell aliens. In the first story, it seems that aliens have survived and are hiding out in an abandoned underground building....but it turns out they are just deformed humans with big heads. They were created from an alien element that was accidently released years before. The last episode has Parker finding out that the scientists have the alien bodies there at the base and one of them is alive, but in a coma. The alien wakes up and communicates telepathically that he’s dying and simply wants to go home. So Parker helps him escape in the escape pod, though it’s ultimately revealed that the creature’s intentions aren’t friendly. They decipher the writing on the spaceship and it says that these aliens were prisoners being transported to a penal colony.

Seven Days is an entertaining enough series and there’s good chemistry between Parker and Olga Vukavitch (Justina Vail), the only female scientist on the project. My one question, though, is if he goes back in time seven days won’t he keep on meeting himself, who is still there? None of the episodes address this.

Seven Days: Season Two (1999)

The second season of this time-travel show concentrates a bit more on the characters and has some more interesting stories than in the first season. The premise is that the government has back-engineered alien technology from the 1940’s Roswell Crash and have created a time-travel device that can go back in time the maximum of seven days. The only person who is able to pilot this craft, because of his unique brain chemistry, is Lt. Frank Parker (Jonathan LaPaglia).

In  Parker.com  an artificial intelligence, which has taken a female persona, develops a crush on Parker. In  For the Children , chrononaut Parker goes back in time to save a group of kids on a sightseeing tour that are being held hostage by soldiers who are suffering from Gulf War Syndrome. In  Two Weddings and a Funeral  Frank and Olga marry, but he has to go on a backstep for a mission to prevent some terrorists from blowing up the statue of liberty. Before he goes he promises to tell her what happened though she’s anything but eager to marry him again. It turns out it’s her evil doppel ganger from season one who has escaped from the mental institution. In  Walk Away , the scientists of the group, while doing an autopsy on the evil alien who almost killed them at the end of the first season, discover that the creature has an implant in his spine which was probably to repair an injury. Dr. John Ballard (Sam Whipple), the one doctor who is in a wheelchair, has this implanted in himself and he’s able to walk again. Unfortunately part of the alien’s mind was transplanted as well and he gets taken over. This is one of the season’s better episodes as it answers a lot of questions I had about this character. Then, it’s off for a bit of goofiness in  Time Gremlins , in which Parker goes through a weird rift in space and brings back some weird creature that is affecting his personal time. In another episode, he rescues a princess (Emanuelle Vaugier) from a bad fate and spares her from a bad marriage. In Buried Alive the time ship materializes underground and he’s dropped in an abandoned mine. There are flashbacks to him as a kid, teenager and young adult. We are also introduced to a father figure, a gruff priest whose guidance shaped Frank into the man he became.

In  The Backstepper’s Apprentice the machine passes through an airplane that is crashing and Frank grabs a teenager who is falling from the plane. The kid wakes up the previous day, in his bed, unharmed. He finds himself repeating everything, though he makes changes. His biggest goal is to save the life of his grandfather, who will have a heart attack. Some of the following episodes also follow this trend, beginning with characters in different situations that somehow tie into Frank’s adventures—and how the time travel gives them a second chance. This happens when his friend and coworker Craig kills the drug dealer that made his sister an addict and in another episode when a trio of teenage girls, who think the are witches, become involved in a bombing. The last episode of the season, The Cure, is great and opens up a lot of possibilities. A research scientist friend of Olga’s has found the cure for cancer but there’s someone trying to assassinate her. Frank captures the culprit and he turns out to be a chrononaut from over 160 years in the future. He explains that the doctor can’t get her cure to the public because it mutates into a virus and kills the majority of mankind. He has to kill her to save billions of lives.

As I said, this second season is better than the first. I am interested in checking out the third and final season.

Seven Day: Season Three (2001)

The third and final season of this time travel show begins with an episode in which chrononaut Frank Parker (Jonathan LaPaglia) encounters the spirit of a dead woman and brings her to the present day where she meets her daughter who is repeating her same mistakes. She wants his help in order to save her life. There are some big changes in regard to some characters from the first two seasons. Dr. John Ballard (Sam Whipple) is in only a few episodes before he retires and is replaced by a young genius by the name of Andrew “Hooter” Owlsley. Isaac Mentnor, the most senior scientist, is only in a handful of episodes.

In Top Dog, chief-of-security Nathan Ramsey goes about as crazy as he was in the pilot when he’s appointed the head of the Back-step Project. It’s established that the government officials ultimately in charge are more or less evil. Then, in Adam & Eve it’s the new guy’s turn to go nuts. In this episode Olga, Frank and Hooter are deep in a military installation when the surface is wiped clean of life by a new type of neutron bomb that goes awry. But Hooter is exposed to some radiation and it affects his mind as they travel from Colorado to Nevada to do a Back-step. He wants Olga to be his Eve and tries to kill Parker. There’s an episode that’s sort of like The Astronaut’s Wife/Species when an alien ship is discovered in orbit around the moon and the lone astronaut who returns to earth is infected with blue crystals. When he’s examined at Area 51 he takes a liking to Olga and she is unable to resist him, ultimately pregnant with a batch of aliens. In another weird religious episode, like the season premiere, another chrononaut (Robert Picardo) shows up, claiming to be from seven years in the future. He says they must assassinate an up and coming religious leader from the Middle East. He explains that the leader will eventually get access to nuclear bombs and reign a Jihad upon America, killing millions and causing world war III. But he’s not exactly what he seems and actually turns out to be the devil himself. In Kansas, a power surge causes Frank to reappear in what looks to be an alternative reality, a “Mirror Universe” where everything is opposite. It turns out that reality has been reversed, with even the writing backwards. Olga is dead and it’s her sister who is a rebel scientist. Ramsey is a pot smoking, pony-tailed guy who is best friends with Parker. In The Bin, Parker is still having nightmares about his time imprisoned on Hanson’s Island, at the secret government mental hospital where he was before they recruited him for the time-travel program. He ends up going back there to uncover a conspiracy that the doctors are involved with, which had resulted in the blindness of over 14,000 teenagers at a rock concert. The last episode of season three, and the last of the series, has Frank going back in time to save the life of a friend who was a Seal with him in the Navy. It’s just okay.

I wish they had somehow wrapped up some of the relationships with the characters in the series, particularly between Parker and female scientist Olga Vukavitch, but I think they thought they were going to get renewed for a fourth season...

Seven Faces of Dr. Lao, The (1964)

In this George Pal Production actor Tony Randall gives an excellent performance as the ancient Chinese ringmaster of a travelling circus in the old West. He also portrays all of the strange characters—from the mysterious Dr. Lao, the Abominable Snowman, the Medusa to the Satyr. It’s like an opposite version of Ray Bradbury’s Something Wicked This Way Comes with the circus saving the town and its people instead of destroying it. Recommended.

Seven Mummies (2006)

The movie starts off with a prison transport van already crashed and the gang of prisoners escaping into the desert. They wander around a while and come to a house, where an American Indian taunts them about looking for some hidden treasure of gold. He tells them where to find there fortune - and rather than continuing to flee to the Mexican border they decide to pursue this folly. Yes, these characters are all very stupid.

They come across a Western era town that’s frozen in time and it turns out they turn into zombies when the sun goes down. When the survivors finally come to the hidden gold they encounter the seven guardians, the reanimated “Mummies”, which are dried out looking monks who vaguely resemble the Tempar Knights from Tombs of the Blind Dead. Somehow these monks know karate and they fight. Yes, it does look very silly. There’s also these rap songs in the soundtrack that do not fit the movie whatsoever. And don’t get me going about all the extremely bad acting...

If you wish to see an example of “What not to do” when making a movie than this is a must-see.

Seven, The (2006)

A group of high school students are taken on a field trip by their teacher, to learn about geology. They go way out into the desert and explore a remote cave. One by one they are slain by some type of creature that lives there—and it doesn’t help that the teacher is one of the early victims. They get lost and try to survive as they are picked off one by one. This does not remotely compare to other “horror cave” movies, like The Descent or The Cave as the gore and effects are minimal and the actors among the Z list. However, I did like what the monster turned out to be—it made total sense and is actually plausible.

Seventh Moon (2009)

An American couple, Melissa (Amy Smart) and Yul, are on their honeymoon in China. He’s Chinese, she’s not. They see some sights at a local village then get in a car with their driver, Ping. He’s to take them to the small village where his relatives live. However, on the long drive the couple fall asleep and awaken to see that he has stopped alongside the road. He tells them that he got lost and to stay in the car while he gets directions from a nearby community. An hour passes and this strange gong sound begins. Curious, they get out to investigate but the village appears deserted. They come across a bunch of animals set out for some type of sacrifice. Then, they hear human voices but no people. This creeps them out so they go back to their car, which they see is now covered in blood. They take off, not waiting for Ping to come back. A short while later something runs in front of them and they swerve off the road and get stuck in the mud. The person they almost ran over is a guy who is terrified and running from something. They are demons, who come out every year on this particular night.

If they don’t outrightly kill you, they’ll capture you and transform you into one of them.

The demons look like naked albino humans with long teeth and claws.

I was surprised at how damn creepy this movie is. As it progresses there’s this real feeling of dread for the main characters. But of course this was all reminding me of another similarly themed movie that was made two decades ago—the Pierce Brosnan movie Nomads, which is one of my favorite horror flicks.

Seventh Sign, The (1988)

Around the world biblical prophecies regarding the end of the world start happening, from an ancient desert town freezing to fish boiling in the ocean. Demi Moore pregnant with a child that will be born without a soul. You see, there’s this place called The Guff, where all souls come from-and when it is depleted of souls it’ll be the end of the world. A strange visitor (Jurgen Prochnow) rents out their small above-garage apartment-and he’s there to keep an eye on her. Turns out that he’s Jesus. There’s also a priest, who is really the Roman soldier cursed with immortality until the end of the world happens-so he’s ecstatic about this and is doing everything he can to make sure it happens. Everything comes to a head when she starts going into labor, during a massive earthquake that’s shaking the hospital apart-and she gives up her life to save that of her child-who now has a soul because of her sacrifice. As end of the world movies go this is rather hokey and the Demi Moore character is rather irritating in her obliviousness.

Severed: Forest of the Dead (2006)

This is much more along the lines of Dawn of the Dead than Return of the Living Dead, which is a good thing since I’m tired of the zombie-as-comedy sub-genre that is developing. Deep in the forest, where environmental activists are clashing with the lumber company, people start turning into twitchy yellow zombies. This is from an experimental hormone that’s been injected into the trees to make them grow three times faster. A lumberjack gets this in his bloodstream and soon almost everyone is contaminated.

The son of the guy who owns the lumber company is sent out to the island to investigate why they haven’t heard from anybody - and he quickly gets caught up on the action as he and a group of human survivors try to get away. They zombie effects are good, there’s plenty of blood and a pervading sense of doom throughout. Recommended.

Sexy Adventures of Van Helsing, The (2004)

Wilhelmina, the great-great grand niece of Abraham Van Helsing (Erika Smith) now has the job of killing the daughter of Dracula. This all starts when the zombie-looking ghost of her uncle visits her and tells her of her lineage. It also happens that lesbianism is also a part of that inheritance-and she definitely has those tendencies. As the movie progresses the nerdy Wilhelmina becomes more sexy as her true ‘L’ tendencies become realized. The movie is extremely tongue-in-cheek and the makeup effects and sets are cheesy. And, for no other reason than to have them, there are multiple lesbian sex scenes scattered throughout the movie. I’m not a huge fan of either the E.I. soft-core porn stuff nor the cheese but I did find that actress Erika Smith is definitely someone to be on the lookout for in the indie horror scene. Her performance was good in Brett Piper’s recent Bite Me! and she was the only thing that made Van Helsing watchable.

Stargate Universe: Season One (2009)

While I loved the original Stargate movie I never got into the 10 Season Television series as it was too “wink wink” clever and the characters annoyed me. However, this most recent Stargate
SG-1 series is much more of its own thing, which I liked. Rather than a group of people shipwrecked on an island they are a group that’s stranded on a wrecked ship.

First three episodes,  Air , tells how they got on the enormous ship via an alien world that was under attack and also exploding. Dr. Nicholas Rush (Robert Carlyle) seems to know more than everyone else. Since he’s studied the ancient languages and is familiar with the  Ancients  who originally constructed the Stargates, he’s able to decipher the language and figure out the controls. It turns out the name of the ship is  Destiny. It’s millions of years old, on a journey to the other side of the Universe. Colonel Young, the most senior military officer, wants them to try using the Stargate to dial back to earth but Rush insists it’s too dangerous and that they don’t have enough power. The ship is only working at 40% capacity and more than half of it is damaged. In fact, they are running out of air to breath and the only way to fix this is to manually close an area of the ship—but in order to do this someone must sacrifice their life. This turns out to be the Senator who is with them, who was injured and is also running out of his heart medication. He leaves behind a daughter who starts a relationship with one of the soldiers, much to the dismay of Eli, the man/child genius who was recruited by Rush. Eli knows math and was able to solve a problem that was secretly imbedded in a video game. Also on board are about forty or fifty people, including other scientists and a female paramedic who now has to be their doctor.

The next batch of episodes deal with them trying to restore power to the ship, avoiding crashing into a sun, getting water to drink and finding a cure to a bacteria they picked up on one of the planets. Among the only aliens they encounter are these small “mite-like” creatures from a desert planet that hitch a ride onto the ship and start consuming all the water. They find a home for them (and preserve their water) when they transport it to an ice world. Then, on a rainforest world they are attacked and killed by eel-like creatures. The only thing that saves them is the story line involving time-travel. Although the crew are millions of light-years away from earth they are able to communicate back home via these “communication stones” from the ancients. This allows them to switch bodies with someone on earth (and vice versa), in real-time. This allows the Senator’s daughter to tell her mother that her father is dead, the Colonel to try to patch up things with his estranged wife, and Eli to visit his sick, HIV sick mother.

Stargate Universe is an interesting show. I will definitely check out the rest of the episodes.

Shadow Puppets (2007)

Jolene Blalock (T’Pol from Enterprise) and James Marsters (Spike from Angel/Buffy) headline this claustrophobic horror movie in which a cast of characters have no memory when they wake up in a hospital test facility. They wander around the empty corridors, see lots of blood splattered on the walls, and eventually come to the conclusion that they are not alone. They meet up with other amnesiacs, some of who may be insane and/or prisoners - or who may be in charge of the facility. There’s also a vampiric Shadow monster that’s after them, a creature that leaves only some blood after it feeds. I’ve seen this typical scenario of people trapped in a building with a monster in far too many horror movies to count, but this is worth seeing because it’s done so well. I was never bored or tempted to hit the forward scan button. Check it out.

Shadow Walkers (2007)

This movie sucks. It’s a situation I’ve seen several dozen times before (and not done as well here), the characters are all underdeveloped and the makeup effects are particularly bad. I think the filmmakers were going for a Demon’s-like monster but did not succeed. The movie also takes place in a deep underground lab that has all these pipes and vents all over. Well, I want to know what all that plumbing is for! Avoid this as you’ll forget about it anyway five minutes after you’re done scanning through it.

Shadowrealm (2000)

This quartet of tales is far more like Twilight Zone than the pathetic newer Twilight Zone TV series. In one story an obsessive compulsive man tries to explain to his psychiatrist that all the ritual behaviors he performs actually prevent horrible things from happening. When the doctor cures some of his patient’s behavior he finds out that he was right after all. In another story a drifter finds himself stalled out in a peaceful town where there is no music. To play music or sing is punishable by death. Why? Because it will summon a creature called The Beast, which will go on a murdering rampage and kill everyone. He stands up to them, showing them that it’s just a fairy tale-until the creature comes forth. There’s also a story called The Maze, about missed opportunities, and a deaf woman who undergoes experimental surgery to regain her hearing-and the end result is that she can hear the thoughts of a killer. This was decent.

Shadows of the Dead  (2004)

Every so often I come across a movie I can’t watch after the first fifteen minutes...and Shadows of the Dead is one of those. A young couple, in their SUV, get a flat tire at night out in the country. Although it’s supposed to be in an isolated area there’s lots of light because of all the smoke from the smoke machine (it refracts light, makes everything brighter). The occupants have 0 chemistry between them and seem like actors acting rather than characters in a movie. Then, they see a dead body in their headlights. The guy goes to investigate-and then comes back to the truck with his neck bitten, which looks like some red karo syrup smeared on his neck. . They don’t even show him getting bit! They decide to abandon the vehicle, although they can probably drive on the flat for another ten miles. As soon as they get out of the car zombies try to grab them-so they run until they get to a conveniently furnished cabin, where the woman asks the guy about his bite-’Maybe we should get you to a hospital’, Well, if they have no car and just ran on foot through the woods, I don’t think they’re going to be getting to a hospital anytime soon. Well, that’s it because at this point I stopped watching it. Maybe you’d be able to get a bit further but I doubt it.

Shaft, The (2003)

If you see this on the shelves in your video store quickly walk past it! This remake of the 80’s movie The Lift is abysmal, inferior in all respects to the original. The premise is that a biochip used in the computer operating system of an elevator starts having a mind of its own and starts killing people. The elevator is alive. Whereas the first version was dark and moody with believable characters the remake forgets all of this, opting for brightly lit sets, Hollywood actors and needless explosions. And it’s become such a cliche to cast Michael Ironside or Ron Perlman as villains. Jeez. The building in which the elevator resides is called the Millenium building and looks like an amalgamation of the Empire State and Crysler Buildings, which is rather lame. The silliest thing of all is that, in all the city shots, you clearly see the Twin Towers and there’s references to terrorism and how they ‘almost blew up the towers’. They should’ve just edited these references out to make the movie more up to date. Not that that would’ve helped....

Shanks (1974)

No, this doesn’t have anything to do with Stargate SG1 or American Movie. Marcel Marceau portrays ‘Shanks’ a puppeteer deaf-mute who lives with his remarried sister-in-law and her alcoholic husband. They have him start working (and bringing home money) for the richest man in town at his mansion. This guy is ancient-looking (portrayed by Marceau in a duel role). He’s hired Shanks as his assistant because of his experience with puppets. The old man is experimenting with reanimating the dead with electricity, which is shown first when they animate a dead frog and make it jump around. When the old man dies of natural causes Shanks gets the idea to apply the same principle to him. Via these remote electrical devices placed at certain points on his body, Shanks is able to make the old guy walk around his old mansion. It is unsettling. Later, he animates his sister-in-law and brother-in-law after they are killed. There’s also this young woman who is interested in Shanks and poses a potential love-interest that never quite materializes. She freaks out when she realizes Shanks is controlling these zombies. During the last quarter of the movie the mansion is taken over by a nasty biker-gang when one of them wipes out and is killed. Shanks tries to scare them off with his reanimated bodies but they take the remote-control away from him. The young girl is attacked and raped by them. In the end Shanks gets his revenge and kills the entire biker gang. I thought it interesting that some of the things in this movie parallel the events in Dawn of the Dead, which was made two years later. This is the last movie directed by William Castle.

Shape of Things to Come, The  (1979)

In the beginning scrolling text which says “Earth was devastated by the robot wars” and “Man has moved onto the moon, colonised it’s surface,” there are a few spelling errors, which did not bode well for the subsequent film...

Barry Morse (Victor from Space 1999) is in control of the base and Michael Crichton’s ex-wife is the obligatory blonde chick. If you don’t blink you’ll see a cameo by singer Vanity at one of the control panels. Anyways, all the humans obey the master computer, Lomax. When a spaceship is sent on a crash course towards their lunar city by evil Jack Palance it’s not all that convincing. It clearly looks like a balsa wood miniature and the background of “space” looks painted. The lunarites contact the planet Delta Three, where the ship came from, and new leader Omas (Jack Palance) says he sent it there on purpose (imagine that!). He wants to be ruler of the moon, too.

So the good guys travel to Delta Three to stop Omus and his insane plans of domination. But first they make a stop on a devastated Earth, where they find a bunch of kids in blonde wigs. Once on Delta Three they meet up with some freedom fighters led by a very unenthusiastic Carol Lynley, who was probably wishing she was either on The Love Boat or Fantasy Island than Delta 3.

The film transfer on this DVD is crystal clear, which actually works more against the film than the dumb script and undirection. You can see every seem on the sets, every stray bit of glue and bad painting on those robots. This may honestly be one of the worst movies based on an H.G.Well’s story, if not one of the lamest science fiction movies ever made.

Shark Attack (2000)

Investigating a rapid rise in shark attacks off the African Coast an oceanographer (Casper Von Dien) goes to investigate. He discovers that the vamished sharks are suffering from encephalitis, which is swelling their brains and making them hungry ALL of the time. But that’s not all—a local businessman (Ernie Hudson) is eliminating anyone who gets in his way of owning all the coastal property. They way he’s doing this is having his henchmen feed them to the sharks. Very predictable. Casper Von Dien (Starship Troopers), not exactly the most diverse actor, literally walks through this production, while Bentley Mitchum (the grandson of the late Robert Mitchum) gives a great performance as the slightly crazed, mislead scientist. There’s also some blonde chick who looks like exactly like every other blonde chick in this type of movie.

Sharktopus (2010)

Eric “In every other SyFy movie” Roberts portrays a scientist who has developed a new weapon for the Navy. This is a huge and unlikely shark/octopus hybrid! When they are testing it, via a remote control device hooked to its brain, the Navy commander asks them to push it to its limits and, of course, this damages the control system. The monster breaks free. The commander then exclaims “You let an eight-legged man-eating freak loose”, to which Roberts replies “A minor setback”. Well, you get the idea.

Eric hires a former employee to track down the creature, though this guy doesn’t seem to have any more skills than anyone else in this movie.

The sharktopus begins eating tourists along the beaches, my favorite a female bunjee jumper who gets snapped up in mid-air. Oh, and the creature can crawl onto land. It’s really goofy looking when it does this, reminding me of the title character from the Jabberjaw cartoon from the 70’s. What is next in this lame new sub-genre of killer animal movies? Sharkorilla?

Sharp & Sudden (2001)

This action movie by director Glenn Adreiev is an extremely ambitious, low-budget DV movie, about two people who are accused of the same crime. One person is fashion model Kate Pullmann, who has a five million dollar reward posted for her capture, and the other is Robert Grill, a social worker. With police, vigilantes and a bounty hunter after them they go on the run, trying to solve what’s happening to them. It’s kind of like that Sandra Bullock movie from a few years ago, The Net. The movie is well-shot, with plenty of locations (Times Square, Grand Central Station, et cetera), and Frank Franconeri does a bravura performance as Robert Grill. My only complaint is that the fashion model character, portrayed by Rosemary Gore, was totally miscast. Although not unnattractive there’s no way this woman would be accepted as a fashion model—I know, I’ve been involved with editing the New York Fashion Shows for over a decade. I know the business. She’s also the weakest actor in the entire production (particularly when up against Franconeri), which is a slight problem since she’s the movie’s lead. I don’t know, maybe they cast her because she’s related to Al Gore....

Shaun of the Dead (2004)

While this UK horror movie doesn’t add anything to the zombie genre, it is nevertheless an enjoyable movie worth taking a look at. The story centers around Shaun, of course, and how he transforms from this boring, humdrum kind of guy into a zombie slayer. Although he has just broken up with his girlfriend, she’s one of the first people he goes out and rescues. But along with her come her two stuffy friends, who hate Shaun. Then, it’s off to rescue his mother, Barbara, which provides the great line ‘We’re coming to get you, Barbara!’. His stepfather, though, is bitten and soon turns into one of the undead. Shauns best friend is his slovenly roommate, who also provides most of the comedy. The zombie makeup and effects are as good as in any of the Romero movies, and these zombies tend to shuffle along rather than sprint (as in the new Dawn of the Dead remake). There are also a lot of ‘in jokes’, such as a radio announcement saying that the zombie plague may be caused by ‘Rage infected primates’. Shaun of the Dead may not be as good as you think it would be but it is a hoot.

She Wolf of London: The Complete Series (1990)

Grad student Randi Wallace (Kate Hodge of Hidden II, Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3) goes to England to study with Professor Ian Matheson who teaches about mythology and monsters. She’s a huge fan of his recent book. There’s an immediate attraction between the two from her first day of class. When he discovers that she still needs to find a place to live he offers his parent’s bed & breakfast, where there’s a room available. She goes off to explore the moors and while along in her tent is attacked by a werewolf. She wakes up in the hospital and they tell her a dog must have attacked her. A month later, during the full moon, she painfully transforms, though we only see her with long claws, hair on her hands and yellow eyes. She’s still on campus when she transforms and chases after a terrified Matheson, who barely gets away. This is done in a long point-of-view shot of the werewolf. She wakes up the next day, naked, in the mens’ showers.

She remembers almost killing her professor and he says she’s mistaken, in denial. But she knows she’s a werewolf and wants to find a cure. They both return to the place in the country where she was attacked and they find an odd ring. She thinks it belongs to the werewolf who attacked her. Then, they come upon a Gypsy camp. One of the guy Gypsies is very suspicious and they end up chasing him to a quarry. He crashes his vehicle and he starts transforming while being burned alive. The next full moon the Professor helps Randy lock herself in the basement of the Bed & Breakfast.

In the next episode a Bogman is discovered by Ian’s Aunt and they go to take a look at it. It’s displayed in the local pub—but when Ian and Randy arrive the Aunt is murdered, her eyes and mouth stitched up. Then, other people in the town are killed by the reanimated corpse.

In hopes of learning more about the supernatural and finding a cure for the lycanthropy, Ian places an ad in the newspaper that he can help with supernatural problems. Soon after, a woman answers it and tells them that she thinks her brother is being kept prisoner at an insane asylum. He’s also a werewolf. The crazy doctor in charge is keeping him captive in hopes of being able to duplicate the transformation process, as a weapon. Only every patient he injects the serum into explodes. He keeps the guy caged and makes him change with artificial moonlight, a luna-light. When Randi goes undercover as a patient, she’s also caged. The episode is one of the best of the series, showing transformations of two werewolves, and how this is truly a curse.

Another good episode concerns an evil circus, a la Something Wicked This Way Comes. Randi falls for the ring master, who has an agreement with the devil. Other episodes involve such creatures as a trio of succubi, in which Ian is aged, and zombies, in which Ian actually dies and comes back as the undead. When it’s revealed that the dean of the Professor’s college ends up being a witch, Ian exclaims “I can’t believe Samantha Stephens is a witch!” (which is funny because that’s the name of the main character in the show Bewitched). Other stories have Randi’s ex-boyfriend coming to England, trying to get her back, much to Ian’s dismay.

In episode fifteen, Curiosity Killed the Kravitz, Randi gets a frantic call from a college friend in Los Angeles, telling her that aliens are her neighbors. She books a ticket to California and Ian goes with her, since they are phasing out his position at the university. In LA they investigate those suburbs and uncover that trolls are capturing people and then impersonating them so that they can live on the surface. Ian and Randi free an old wizard, who turns all the trolls into tree frogs. Ian gets his own television show, How Strange with Dr. Matheson and he and Randi finally hook up. In Habeus Corpses, which revolves around a law firm run by vampires, Randi and Ian finally try having sex but the feeling of passion begins to transform Randi into a werewolf. Bride of the Wolfman, one of the series’ weakest stories, has the duo sucked into an unfinished monster movie from the 1940’s, where they are pursued by a fake looking wolfman. Heart Attack, about cupids gone awry, has a cameo by Thomas Jane (Dark Country, Punisher). These last five episodes are really quite terrible. The producers tried making into a light-weight show like Remington Steele and it’s much more of a comedy. They even changed the werewolf transformations so the she becomes a much more traditional werewolf. And the Professor, sort of a nerdy guy, is now acting like Cary Grant.

It’s also disappointing that there are no extras whatsoever on this DVD set. You would think they would have at least an interview with co-creator Mick Garris or actress Kate Hodge. Aka: Love and Curses

Sherlock: Case of Murder (2002)

In this made-for-cable thriller, a young Sherlock Holmes (James D’Arcy) confronts the villain Moriarty (Vincent D’Onofrio) and seemingly kills him within the first five minutes. He later discovers that he was set up by the evil genius, who had been wearing a primitive bullet proof vest. Some people associated with the Opium trade are murdered by being injected with a new, more concentrated drug, which is detected by Holmes’ new associate, Dr. Watson. He is working as the police’s coroner and has a penchant for examining human brains. At first the two men are at odds with each other, but soon become friends as they work on solving the case. Holmes is kidnapped by Moriarty and injected with his new drug creation, heroin, in order to discover what the fatal dosage is. As Holmes is already presented in the movie as over-indulging his vices, tobacco and drink, he’s able to tolerate a great deal of the drug until he’s able to make his escape. I’m not the biggest Sherlock Holmes fan yet I found this tale entertaining, particularly in how it explains why Holmes and Moriarty are such mortal enemies. It was also interesting to see how he and Watson first met. But the main reason to see this is D’Onofrio’s performance as Moriarty—he plays a great, over-the-top villain.

Shock Waves (1977)

A group of people take a cruise on a ramshackle yacht off the Florida coast. The engines stalls for the second time and there’s this really weird tinge to the sky, like just before a tornado. Deep below an old sunken ship begins to bubble. Later that night they almost run into that same ship. The following morning the boat is on a reef and sinking so they must go to the nearby island. At first it seems deserted but they see a building, an old motel. They soon learn they aren’t the only inhabitants—there’s a creepy old German guy (Peter Cushing) who wants to know why they have trespassed in his home. He’s a former SS Commander. He’s very concerned that they saw a ship off the island so he goes to investigate and sees it in the distance. This makes him very nervous. It’s because the ship’s occupants have awakened and make their way to the island. These are albino looking guys in Nazi uniforms, part of an experiment from World War II that has survived. What makes them really creepy is that they are utterly silent and kill with their bare hands. There’s no flesh-eating here, just murder.

The main characters are tourist Rose (Brooke Adams) and deckhand Keith (Luke Halpin), with the story told in a wraparound that ends how it begins, sort of the same device used in Let’s Scare Jessica to Death and Attack of the Mushroom People. Shock Waves is the best Nazi zombie movie ever.

Shock-O-Rama (2005)

This was okay, not the best Brett Piper movie I’ve seen, primarily because the focus is on actress Misty Mundae - and I simply don’t get her appeal. She looks like she’s twelve or thirteen years old so I guess there are a lot of couch-potato pedophiles out there. I simply find her overrated and very irritating. Unfortunately, the movie centers around her character, which his that of a “Scream Queen” dissatisfied with her lot in life, who wants to become a “real actress”. When the studio’s producers are looking for a replacement girl, they watch an alien invasion movie, which is one of the segments. I found this the most entertaining part of the movie. A rocket lands in a junkyard and the owner must deal with this huge, spider-like robot the miniature aliens construct from the old cars. There’s some great stop-motion animation, something you never see anymore since the advent of CGI. Another story is about a giant brain creature from a million years in the future who needs to feed off the emotions of humans. The monster is creepy looking and the story is quite funny.

The Shock-O-Rama title doesn’t quite fit the movie, as there’s nothing shocking about it. The movie is too tame for what the title implies. If you’re a Misty Mundane fan I’m sure you’ll like this, otherwise it’s worth seeing simply for that one segment with the stop-motion animation.

Shower of Blood (2003)

A group of ‘college-aged’ kids, who all look too old for the parts, decide to drop by the house of one of their uncles on their way to a camping trip. This was a bad mistake since the uncle turns out to be this three hundred year old vampire. He either turns the characters into vampires or out-rightly kills them. The plot for this zillionth vampire movie isn’t bad but the casting of the actors is simply horrendous-there’s simply no chemistry between them. And much of the dialogue is inane, consisting mostly of crude sexual jokes that are just lame. The actresses, though, are all extremely good looking, and you see them all naked. They must all work at a strip club or something for their day job. The special effects are decent for a low-budget video movie, particularly an end shot when a vampire turns to bones.

Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th (2000)

This USA Network movie is a pretty good spoof of recent slasher movies such as Scream but not nearly as funny as Student Bodies, made nearly two decades before. A group of high school students are arbitrarily stalked by a disguised slasher—and they discover that the killer is the evil identical cousin of the school’s security guard, Doughey, played to perfection by Tom Arnold. Kimberly Amber-Theisen is the Courtney Cox character. And Coolio portrays the man formerly known as principal.

Shrieker (1998)

The Shrieker, a sort of demon with two heads, is awakened after fifty years by some college students who live in a vacant building. One by one they are killed off, leaving the others to try to discover who summoned the creature to begin with. There’s some decent performances here by the unknowns and an intriguing script cheapened by dime store morphing effects and shrieking sound effects that sound as if they were lifted off a Halloween sound effects record. Directed by David DeCoteau

Shrooms (2008)

A group of friends meet up in Ireland, during mushroom season, and plan to do mushrooms. Unfortunately, one of the girls eats one of the wrong mushrooms, a “death’s head mushroom” and it seems to give her psychic visions. Beautifully shot movie and it has its genuinely creepy moments. Although the Angel Heart like ending is somewhat predictable, it works. So far, one of the best horror movies of 2008,

Shunned House, The (2003)

One of the better H.P. Lovecraft inspired movies, about an author investigating a haunted hotel as the subject of his new book. As he investigates the viewer goes back and forth in time, to see how the inhabitants of the hotel were affected by the building’s strange construction. It was built in such a way as to drive people insane. Eventually the time-lines merge and the author and his assistant become the new casualties of the Shunned House. This is a very well shot, moody and creepy film, reminding me most of The Resurrection or In the Mouth of Madness but on a much lower budget. Highly recommended.

Shutter (2008)

A blonde bombshell moves to Japan with her photographer husband (Joshua Jackson of Fringe) who turns out to be an asshole. She’s haunted by a small Japanese woman who in truth is trying to warn her about him because he and his friends did something terrible to her years before. As remakes of Japanese horror films go this is a good one. Although the ghost appears mostly as blurs in photographs and isn’t very frightening, I did like the fact that she wasn’t one of those typical Asian ghosts who simply want to kill people for no good reason. I also like the very last scene where the guy gets what’s coming to him.

Sick Girl (2009)

In the first six minutes alone a girl named Izzy pees on a nun, slits a guy’s throat and chases after two Catholic schoolgirls after dispatching everyone else on the school bus. Then, she goes home, as if nothing happened. Through a series of flashbacks we see that Izzy had incestuous feelings for her older brother, Rusty, who soon after an uncomfortable incident goes off and joins the Marines. She and a biker neighbor take care of her younger brother Kevin. Now, Izzy has completely snapped and is doing some very disturbing things to some prisoners out in the barn...

Leslie Andrews gives quite a performance as the psychotic Izzy and Stephen Geoffreys (Fright Night) portrays a sad school teacher whose pet rat is stolen by the class bully. The special effects are gruesome and realistic. What really contributes to the unsettling mood is the dread inducing music. This movie is up there with the original Last House on the Left in terms of sheer relentlessness. Directed by Eben McGarr.

Sickhouse (2008)

An archeologist (Gina Philips), uncovering the site of a plague building in London, unleashes the evil spirits it’s kept locked up after she literally digs too deep. After her site is closed and she’s forbidden to go back there by her professor, she sneaks in, just in time for a group of car-stealing punks to take refuge in the same building after they’re in a car accident. The car accident was caused by the ghosts that live in the building.

The movie has a great location and production value to it, I just wasn’t much interested in the story or the characters.

Side F/X (2004)

The premise of this movie is that a new drug called ACE has appeared on the market. A Jake Busey look-alike has a sample of the drug to distribute at this big party he is holding. Days before this event, he puts a few drops of it in his roommate’s drink and she has a bad reaction. You see, this drug makes people crave the red stuff. The next day she does go to the hospital after she throws up a ton of blood-and their tests show that it was someone else’s blood, not her own. During her time on the drug she had killed two of her friends, though she does not remember doing it.A crazy old man contacts her and tells her that the drug is dangerous. He knows this because he’s the one who ‘re-invented’ it in the 1960’s. He then explains (at which point the movie goes to a flashback sequence of events) that it was used in the middle ages, primarily by traveling gypsies, and that it is the basis for all of the vampire legends. In fact, even Vlad Tepes was a heavy user of the drug. She warns her crazy roommate that the drug is dangerous and he doesn’t believe her. In fact, he goes on with his party, which is held at an abandoned farmhouse out in the country. The drug is distributed and soon after all his friends start becoming these maniacs. At this point the movie has the ‘Night of the Living Dead’ scenario, with a few unaffected people barricading themselves in the house against the blood-thirsty partygoers. It also reminded me of that 70’s movie, Blue Sunshine. In SIDE FX there is plenty of blood flowing and actually has a new take on vampires.

Sidekick (2005)

An office worker who looks an awful lot like Pee Wee Herman discovers that one of his co-workers has telekinetic abilities. He’s obsessed with superheroes and thinks he can turn this guy into such a hero. However, things don’t turn out as he intended—and the guy ends up becoming a super-villain. This movie sinks because of the performance of the Pee Wee Herman look-a-like, who is a bad actor. However, the script is so uninspired and flat that I don’t think anything would have helped this mediocre endeavor be better than what it is—entirely forgettable.

Sight (2008)

The story here is about a guy who looks like Henry Thomas who can see dead people. Through various flashbacks we learn he started having them when he was twelve, soon after his mother died. He and his father didn’t get along and when he told his father he sees ghosts his father committed him to a mental hospital. Now, in the present, he fixates on a young woman who also says she can see ghosts. He helps her deliver food to elderly people, though her boss is a real ass and warns him to stay away from her or ELSE.

Sight tries really hard to be like The Sixth Sense, but the uneven pacing and more uneven acting derail it. And although I liked that the movie was totally unpredictable the final “surprise” was convoluted. The goofiest thing is that there’s a wide range of ethnicity of some of the characters and in one part an Indian, Italian and African-American are supposed to be blood related from the same family. I guess that goes along with the idea that if you have six children one of them will be Indian (as there are over a billion people in that country) and two of them Asian.

Signal, The (2007)

There’s something in the air and it’s definitely not love.The story focuses on three different characters and perspectives of a love-triangle that’s happening admist everyone in the city going crazy from a mysterious signal broadcast on tv and the radio. Some of it is genuinely creepy, some of it has it’s dark humor. The one thing I didn’t like is that it takes place in a “make believe city” called Terminus, when it would have helped grounding it in a real location like Chicago or Detroit. The Signal is another variation of a zombie movie.

Silent Hill (2006)

I can’t compare this to the video game it is based on, as I’ve never seen or played it, but as a stand-alone horror movie it does work. The premise is that an adoptive mother (Radha Mitchell of Pitch Black) wants to find out why her nine-year-old daughter is having nightmares about a place called Silent Hill, so she decides to take her there against the wishes of her husband (Sean Bean of The Dark, The Hitcher, Game of Thrones). Once they get there they seem to be in a sort of other dimension, where there is perpetual fog and these disturbing looking creatures. Not only does she have to find her daughter, who has disappeared, but also what her secret is-and also how to escape from this place.

As with Final Destination 3, the use of computer effects to create gore is kind of amazing. Not only are people dismembered, there’s a scene in which a monster pulls the skin off of a struggling woman as if it’s peeling a banana. The goriest scene perhaps, is the barbed wire scene towards the end of the picture. Compared to the recent abysmal adaptations of Doom and Afraid of the Dark, Silent Hill is a pleasant surprise.

Silent Scream (1982)

A college student moves into a big old house on a hill (along with some other students) and one by one they are killed off by a mysterious killer. Are the owners of the house, Yvonne De Carlo and her nerdy son, responsible...or is it someTHING else? When all is revealed it is De Carlo’s crazy daughter (Barbara Steele) doing the slaying, who has been locked up in a room in the house for fifteen years. Starring Cameron Mitchell and Avery Schrieber as detectives and Rebecca Balding (The Boogens) as the college student.

Silent Warnings (2003)

Stephen Baldwin (the little Baldwin) portrays a paranoid farmer who talks to himself about aliens. In the first few minutes of the movie he accidently blows himself up when he’s drunk. We then go to a group of twenty-something friends who are packing for a trip. It turns out that Baldwin was one of the guy’s Uncle. Once they get to the house they see what disrepair it’s in. There’s assorted metal junk all over the yard, an electrical fence surrounds the property and the inside of the house is utterly filthy. It seems that the Uncle was bonkos. But as they all work on the house strange things start to happen. There are weird lights at night and crop circles that mysteriously appear within a day. And then one of them disappears, the only thing left are these five metal surgical pins which she had in her hip. They call the sheriff (Billy Zane) and he has no logical explanation. The others are all freaked out and want to leave but that’s when the aliens appear. Rather than spaceships they materialize from these bright lights that start in the sky (and which cause those crop circles) and attack because there’s nothing to keep them away from the house. They are injured by electricity (the reason why abductions and UFO’s are mostly spotted way out in the country, away from cities) and also can be killed by iron. One of the girls deduces that what we now call ‘aliens’ are actually what people referred to as demons in ancient times. My only gripe about this movie are those damn computer generated effects that make the aliens look like cartoons. They obviously didn’t have the budget of SIGNS and should have gone the makeup effects route instead. Sure, Silent Warnings ends up almost being like a typical zombie movie, but there’s enough twists and action to make you forgive this tried and true formula. It’s a decent alien invasion movie.

Silverhawk (2005)

Michelle Yeoh (Flying Tiger, Hidden Dragon) is the martial arts superheroine who must stop an evil villain, who looks like Lex Luthor, from possessing a microchip that will enable him to control the thoughts of the populace. Yeoh is great as the heiress turned crime fighter and the action sequences entertaining enough, though the movie goes towards the lighter side of things.

Silver Night (2005)

This is an okay vampire movie that takes place in New York City. There are a group of vampire hunters, who are entirely too normal, who hunt down the bloodsuckers. I can see Blade or Buffy destroying the undead with little problem-but I think that it would be a little more difficult to do for characters depicted here. I just didn’t buy it. It was also a bit confusing casting one of the actresses as two of the characters-and as she isn’t so photogenic as some other vampires in the movie so you really don’t want to see twice as much of her. Directed by Glenn Andriev.

Simon Says (2006)

A group of five friends decide to go camping near a river in the woods and pan for gold. They get lost, stop for directions at an old graveyard and two creepy guys tell them the story about Stanley and how he killed his identical twin brother, Simon, which we see in a flashback. They also direct them to the nearest town in the valley below, where it just so happens Stanley runs the “Miner’s Tool” store. Yet when the group goes down there to buy a few things it’s brain-damaged Simon who is behind the counter.

This is a splatter movie in the truest sense of the word. There are the pre-requisite characters such as the jock asshole who is cheating on his girlfriend with the tan blonde, the stoner, the uptight chick and, of course, the heroine who you know will eventually defeat the utterly insane serial killer. But you know what, I didn’t mind all the contrivance. The movie has an incredibly dark sense of humor and Crispin Glover gives an inspired performance. All of the murders are done via different devices that utilize pick-axes, the most formidable being a Gatling gun type device that hurls dozens of them at a time. These slayings are so over-the-top gruesome that it had me chuckling. I also thought it cool that Glover’s father, Bruce Glover (Diamonds are Forever) is in the movie as Stanley/Simon’s father. If you miss the slasher movies from the 80’s this should sate your appetite.

Sin City (2005)

I waited for DVD to see this because of the overblown ad campaign and commercial saturation made me NOT want to see it. But I must say that this movie far exceeded my expectations. There’s a fantastic cast, grim stories that come together non-linearly in Pulp Fiction fashion, and a great look to the entire film. I’ve read many of the Sin City comics and this is probably as close you can get with a movie adaptation as possible. In the Sin City world men are MEN and all the women are either hookers or working in the bars those men frequent. I won’t go in to any of the specific stories, but the character of ‘Yellow Bastard’ is one of the nastiest villains I’ve seen in a long while. If asked to describe Sin City in a nutshell, I’d say it is the ultimate film noir.

Sinbad and the Minotaur (2011)

This story begins two thousand years ago on the island of Minos where the King has hidden the stolen gold head of the Colossus of Rhodes statue. However, this is also where the monstrous minotaur lives. Then we skip ahead a thousand years to Arabia, where rogue Sinbad steals a map that tells where this treasure is hidden. Of course this pisses off the sorcerer he stole it from, a bald guy who looks sort of like the Sorcerer from The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad. He escapes with a magical cloak, takes a former harem beauty with him and departs in his ship. Once they get to the island they go the labyrinth where many of them are killed—and seemingly kill the Minotaur when it plunges into a bottomless pit. But then the creepy inhabitants of the island begin transforming into half-bull people, which poses a larger threat.

This was better than I thought it would be and actor Manu Bennett (30 Days of Night, Spartacus: Gods of the Arena) does a decent enough job portraying Sinbad, thought the New Zealand accent kept on throwing me off.

Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas (2003)

If you grew up on the live-action Harryhausen Sinbad movies then you’ll like this animated adventure from Dreamworks. Here, Sinbad (voice of Brad Pitt) and his shipmates are thieves, trying to steal ‘The Book of Peace’ from the city of Syracuse so that they can ask for a hefty ransom and retire to the Fiji islands. But there’s an evil Goddess (voice of Michelle Pfeiffer) who steals the book and frames Sinbad for the crime. Sinbad is reunited with an old childhood friend, Proteus, who just happens to be the prince of the city. Proteus believes his friend’s innocence -and volunteers to wait in prison as proxy until Sinbad returns with the book. If he fails to return with the book then Proteus will be killed in his stead. Also on board the adventure is Proteus’ fiancee, Marina (voice of Catherine Zeta-Jones), who has longed for adventure her entire life. She becomes closer and closer to Sinbad. They encounter a giant, island-sized fish, sirens, a huge ice-bird, cyclops and travel to the edge of the world (which turns out to be flat after all). It’s a fun movie.

Sisters (2007)

This is an unnecessary remake of the Brian DePalma cult classic. It’s not a terrible movie, and it does have some good moments such as the murder scene, but it’s cheaper looking and not nearly as engaging as the original. Choe Sevigny is the worst actor of the bunch and while I thought the casting of Lou Doillon as Siamese twin Angelique was interesting I was too distracted trying to decide if she was homely or beautiful (you’ll understand this when you’re watching the movie). William B. Davis (X-Files) is great, though he’s only in a brief flashback scene. If you love the original movie this version will irritate you. If you haven’t seen it then you’ll find Sisters just okay.

Director Douglas Buck is surely no Brian DePalma.

Skeleton Key, The (2005)

This moody, voodoo-theme suspense movie is your average Hollywood horror movie, which means you should not expect a lot. Kate Hudson (who has an unremarkable screen presence) portrays a hostice care worker hired to look after an old man (William Hurt) who has had a stroke. His wife (Gena Rowlands) is immediately distrustful of her, although she does give the young woman the house’s skeleton key, which unlocks every door in the huge Southern mansion. The trouble starts when Hudson opens a hidden door up in the attic and finds it littered with voodoo paraphernalia. The ‘big surprise ending’, touted in other reviews when this was showing theatrically, is no surprise whatsoever if you’ve seen other voodoo movies, namely Angel Heart. Even if you haven’t, you’ll probably guess the ending less than halfway through the picture. Overall, there’s not a lot of meat to this movie.

Skeleton Man (2005)

This is one of those movies where the scriptwriters know absolutely nothing about their subject matter-and it shows.Two archeologists, uncovering ancient American Indian artifacts, are brutally slain by what looks like the grim reaper. One is killed with a shiny new ax, the other with a new looking sword. For the creature itself, cloaked in a black hooded robe with an unconvincing skeleton face.Deep it the forest a group of Army guys on a training mission disappear so another group is sent in. They are attacked by ‘The Skeleton Man’ as well, killed off one by one. Half the group are women, half are men. Michael Rooker (Walking Dead) portrays the leader and Casper Von Dien (Modern Vampires) looks like he’s sleeping through this one. The killings, though, are intense, particularly when people are speared and then hoisted in the air, their feet dangling. Also, one is scalped.In a flashback we are told about an Iroquois man who went insane and killed his tribe. Only a few of the women in the tribe look like they may actually be Indians, the others clearly white guys with mohawks. This is supposed to be who the Skeleton Man was. How he looks like the grim reaper, why he wears a monk-like robe-and how he gets numerous weapons is left unexplained. It is very un-American Indian like. We just assume (I suppose) that he gets them from this dimension he can go in and out of. In the end there is a confrontation with the final mortal survivors and the creature at a chemical plant-and, of course, lots of needless explosions. Rooker walks out of the exploding building with a grim look on his face, probably wondering what the hell this was all about. The forest, when the people are in it, looks like a Northern forest-but every so often it cuts to a shot of desert-looking mountains and I saw a palm tree in one shot! That, plus this random cutting to an eagle crying out, made it even more confusing. They even encounter an old Indian man in the forest who is just some white guy with long gray hair. In comparison, those 1950’s and 60’s cowboys and Indians movies were more convincing at portraying Native Americans.

Skellig (2009)

A boy named Michael and his parents move from a flat in the city to an old fixer upper in the country. The mother is nine-month’s pregnant and the boy is feeling a bit ignored. However, he finds something unexpected living in the old shed that’s in the overgrown backyard. At first it appears to be a sick homeless man, but he senses that he’s something more. The man’s name is Skellig (Tim Roth of Planet of the Apes) and he simply wants to be left alone. But Skellig isn’t quite human. Since he will not get up to get any food, it comes to him—in the form of insects that flood into the shed and mushrooms that start growing on its walls. Even animals, such as the owls, bring him sustenance. Michael tells his new friend, a girl, about Skellig and takes her to meet him. She agrees that he’s something extraordinary. Then Michael’s mother goes into an early pregnancy and the baby girl is born with a serious heart condition, which makes him feel extremely guilty for not wanting a sister.

Michael’s father is frustrated and starts manically doing work around the house—and in a fit burns down the shed. Michael is able to rescue Skellig just in time and takes him to an abandoned tower that overlooks the ocean. There, he finds out that the old overcoat he wears is hiding some withered wings. He also demonstrates that he can levitate himself up in the air. As the situation with Michael’s new sister becomes more dire, Skellig’s strength increases—and Michael tries to convince him to heal his sister. But is he an angel?

I found this a very interesting movie, as it presents this possible supernatural being as just another part of nature. The effects, though minimal, are impressive, especially those bony wings.

Skeptic, The (2009)

A very uptight, emotionally impaired lawyer, Bryan Becket (Timothy Daly) inherits an old house from his Aunt. Although it’s supposed to be haunted he nevertheless moves in while he and his wife Robin have a trial separation. However, his partner Sully (Tom Arnold) tells him soon after that his Aunt willed her house to an Institute that studies psychic/supernatural phenomena. Infuriated, he goes there to visit the place and scoffs at the idea of there being ghosts and other supernatural phenomena. Yet the longer he stays in the house the more it provokes strange feelings in him. Slowly but surely his close-minded attitude changes and he enlists the help of a young psychic (Zoe Saldana of Star Trek) to help him uncover the mystery. As soon as she enters the house she tells him that something bad happened there. What that is, exactly, comes as a surprise to both him and the viewer. This is a low key, surprisingly satisfying psychological thriller and ghost story.

Skinned Deep (2005)

Newly released on Fangoria’s Gorezone label this comical gore-fest is....lame. It’s too much like Frank Henenlotter’s Basket case movies (director/writer/producer Bartalos did the effects on those), without the entertainment factor built in. After reading the lengthy self-promotion article in Fangoria magazine I thought this would be extremely entertaining...I have no problem with low-budgets but there were far too many things I didn’t like about this movie. First, all of the acting seems to be purposely bad, except for the girl who is held captive throughout. Sure, it gives the movie a surreal quality to it but after five minutes it’s irritating. The murderous family are indeed all very strange-from the old creepy mother to the plate wielding dwarf to the reptilian-looking executioner-but the character of Brain wasn’t pulled off very well, with the giant brain prosthetic extremely fake looking. It seemed like it was going to fall off the actor’s head at any moment. I also wish the cameraman cleaned his lens more often-in just about every outside shot there are smudges on the upper left hand corner of the picture. The set design also bad. I must say this movie was different than what I’ve seen lately. Too bad it sucked.

Skinwalkers (2007)

This sloppily-written werewolves at war movie, while it has a few good, dramatic moments fueled by a decent cast, can’t overcome its mediocrity. The premise, as told in a voice-over and scrolling words at the beginning, is that according to Navajo legend a thirteen-year-old boy will end the “curse” of the Skinwalkers. There are two groups - those who view it as a curse and tie themselves up during a full moon and those who view it as a gift and relishing killing humans and eating their flesh. The good group has been protecting the kid, the bad group has finally tracked them down, so at this point it turns into a road movie where the good guys are driving away in an RV and the bad guys are chasing them on motorcycles (Werewolves on Wheels!).

The lead bad werewolf is actor Jason Behr (Roswell, Grudge), who brings empathy to his role (and makes a damn ugly werewolf!) and the good werewolf is his brother, Elias Koteas (The Prophecy). There’s also Sarah Carter (Falling Skies), who portrays Koteas’ daughter, who is turned into a bad werewolf. The werewolves themselves are the upright, Wolfman-type creatures, who remain in their clothes. Which is disappointing after seeing the werewolves in movies like Dog Soldiers and Underworld.

There are lots of problems with the movie, the biggest one being that the writers can’t decide if this is a supernatural curse or a biological curse. The myth of the Skinwalker is told at the beginning - and later someone explains that it “mutated” into the form it is today. Well, according to Indian myth the Skinwalkers could transform into any animal - and here it just seems to be a wolf. The boy is supposed to be the cure, which happens during the end of a red full moon - and how he cures the disease or whatever it is, is not supernatural. Also, if this is such a big deal of killing the child why did the big bad wolves only send in four werewolves to kill him? He’s kept in an isolated town - all of them should have attacked. It’s dumb. But the thing that bugged me the most is that the werewolves become bad if they taste a human. In the end, one of the good werewolves bites another werewolf and tastes his blood - and he becomes bad. But he didn’t bite a human, as it’s repeatedly mentioned that werewolves aren’t human. Dumb. The movie also has an open-ending, which seems like the cue for a television series to pick up. Please, no one make this into a werewolf tv series (Wolf Lake is much better!). If anything, I’d wait for dvd to rent this out, and only if you’re a big lycanthrope fan.

Skull, The (1965)

Peter Cushing portrays a collector of supernatural paraphernalia, who buys a mysterious skull from a shady source. The skull is that of the Marquee de Sade and anyone who owns it soon becomes possessed by its desire to kill. Not only that, but the skull can levitate and fly around. Plus, lots of creepy shots from the skull’s POV (looking through the skull eye-sockets).Christopher Lee also makes an appearance as a collector of weird objects and warns Cushing to get rid of the skull before it possesses him with its evil. Of course he doesn’t listen and he ends up getting killed.

Skullduggery (1970)

Dr. Sybil Greame (Susan Clark) is an archeologist on an expedition in New Guinea to find fossils of a prehistoric ancestor. Among her crew are two guys, Otto Kreps and Douglas Temple (Burt Reynolds), who have an entirely different agenda. While she is looking for remains they are searching for phosphorous deposits to mine. If they find them they’ll be millionaires, since it’s used in color television tubes. The first part of the movie is an expedition, in which they traverse a hostile landscape via canoe, then on foot and encounter some not-so-friendly natives. They eventually come to a valley where Dr. Greame does find a human-like skull. But when Temple finds another one and brings it to her she thinks he’s pulling a scam because it’s not even ten years old. This is when they discover the Tropi’s, these small ape-like humans that live in the area.

One of the Tropis, a female named Topazia, develops a bond with Otto Kreps and it’s through him that they are able to meet the entire tribe of them. Kreps and Temple have also found the phosphorous and get the information back to their contact in the city, a shady guy named Van Krusen, Since the Tropis can’t be disturbed from their site and it’s difficult to get people in there to work, a system is devised to put the Tropis to work mining the rock. They get paid in canned hams, which they love to eat. Yet Van Krusen isn’t satisfied with this and begins plans of breeding the Tropis as slave labor. This is when the movie veers in a totally different direction and becomes a court-room drama.

The Tropi Topazia becomes pregnant and it looks like the father is actually Otto, which means that the Tropis are human. But the child dies in labor. Temple gets a doctor to sign a death certificate that Otto is indeed the father. Then, in order to get the Tropi’s plight worldwide attention, he tells everyone he killed the child so that he’ll be taken to court and be able to plead the Tropis’ case—that they are indeed human. Experts are called in but it’s determined that there is no set definition of what it is “to be human”. Which I guess is the point of the entire movie.

This is simply a very weird movie. The Tropi costumes are great, basically a bunch of small Asians that look like Chaka from Land of the Lost. A whole language is even devised and they sound like Orangutans. And I actually like Burt Reynold’s performance, for a change. Recommended.

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004)

Sky Captain is a highly stylized sci-fi movie, having the look of 1930’s sepia toned Superman cartoon. In spirit it’s a take on those early adventure serials such as Flash Gordon. Right away, when we see the ‘Hindenburg III’ dock on the top of the Empire State Building, we throw all realism out the window, which is fine, particularly when all the giant robots show up in Manhattan and storm the streets. Jude Law is the overly confident Captain and Gwyneth Paltrow is his old flame and love interest, Polly Perkins, intrepid news reporter. She’ll do just about anything for a good story.She finds out that scientists are being abducted for some mysterious purpose, which leads her and the Captain around the world. They do find the reason for their disappearances-and it involves a madman and a huge ‘Noah’s Ark’ type of rocket. It’s located on an island teeming with prehistoric creatures, which gives a nod to the original King Kong, particularly when they have to cross over a fallen tree spanning a crevice. There’s so many different things going on, so many cool images, that you just kind of go along with it. This film is pure, escapist fun.

Sky High (2005)

If you enjoyed The Incredibles and Thunderbirds you’ll be entertained by this movie, as it has a similar tone and theme to it. The son of the world’s mightiest superheroes is sent to study at Sky High, a training ground for those with incredible powers. Unfortunately, his particular powers haven’t manifested yet and he doesn’t want to break the news to his parents. Kurt Russell and Kelly Preston are a hoot as the boy’s parents, as is Bruce Campbell as a training coach. A very entertaining flick.

Skyline (2010)

Jarrod (Eric Balfour of Veritas: The Quest, Haven) and his girlfriend, Elaine, travel from NYC to Los Angeles to visit his friend, who makes his living doing special effects. The friend offers him a job but the girlfriend doesn’t like this. She’s particularly moody because she’s also pregnant, a fact that comes into play later on in the movie. That first morning, at 4a.m., there are weird lights in the sky and they are hypnotizing people. In fact, they are coming from huge spaceships which are then sucking them up, like moths to a flame. So after the first day the survivors in the apartment building try to figure out what to do. Smaller, tentacled ships are now searching the individual floors. And gigantic, Godzilla-sized creatures are on the ground. It’s then that we see that these aliens are actually feeding on people and using them as fuel.

Although the special effects are amazing and there are some harrowing sequences, the script and dialogue are terrible. There are stock characters we’ve seen in hundreds of movies. And the movie itself abruptly ends at it’s most interesting point! Ridiculous. Skyline is Independence Day crossed with Cloverfield with a few ideas stolen from the graphic novel Concrete thrown in at the last minute. I do not recommend this.

Slash (2003)

This South African shot horror movie (supposed to take place in the rural USA), about a twenty-one year old guy who returns home to the farm after his mother dies. He encounters his crazy old man (Steve Railsback slumming it) and starts remembering a terrible event from his past-when he set his even crazier grandfather ablaze. Also along for the ride is his rock band, which plays truly mediocre music. They are killed one-by one in the usual manner. This tries to be a slasher movie and a killer scarecrow movie, incorporating the worst aspects of both sub-genres.

Slaughter (2009)

Faith is running away from an abusive boyfriend and ends up at a party in Atlanta.

She meets Lola, a party girl, and the two hit it off right away. In fact, when Faith discovers that her ex-boyfriend has found out the location of her new apartment, Lola offers her a place to stay out at her family’s farm. Lola has her own apartment built a ways away from her father’s house and explains that her reclusive father lets her do what she wants to do. Lola does like to party and frequently brings rich guys back to her pad. Faith doesn’t like this so much. She suspects that something is going on Lola’s father, that he may killing people, but the real culprit is much more interesting. It should have been obvious who was responsible for the murders but it did surprise me. There’s good character development, a great performance by Lucy Holt as Lola, and an interesting story. This horror movie will hold your attention.

Slaves of the Realm (2003)

Long, long ago the King of the land has died and it’s now up to his heir to take a new bride, which will be picked by the high priestess, Shira (Rena Mero). There are eight virgin princesses and the bride will be one of them. But they are all kidnapped by an evil woman, a daughter of the old King, who brands them and puts them to work in the silver mines. And now Shira must try to rescue them. Of course, the female villain is over-the-top, with a thick accent, dark hair and-since she’s imprisoned and tortured the princesses-an evil lesbian. In several fight scenes, which are primarily in close-up as to not show real sword fighting, she kills quite a few men. The only thing I wished to see was a more supernatural element, perhaps a monster or two.This movie is exactly like those low-budget sword and sorcerer movies from the early 80’s, which isn’t entirely a bad thing. Shot in the Czech Republic, the producers made great use of an old castle and the other locations. And although I’ve never seen Rena Mero (WWE’s Sable) in anything, believe it or not, she proves herself a competent actor and has a good presence.

Slayer (2006)

A covert military operation in South America encounters a village taken over by what appears to be vampires. They think they destroy them but half a year later it’s reported to him by Colonel Jessica Weaver (Linda Carter) that there has been more activity. By coincidence, this is happening near where Hawk’s ex-wife, Dr. Laurie Williams (Jennifer O’dell), is doing a study. As you can guess, Hawk goes there to protect her (he still has feelings for the ex) and discovers another infestation of vampires-and the leader of them is fairly obvious. And, of course, the leader of the vampires can change his shape into this awkward looking bat monster that morphs back and forth. The only thing slightly different about this is that the vampires can go out during the daylight, otherwise Slayer is long in a line of run-of-the-mill vampire movies.

Sleepless Night (2003)

Christian Grey is a different sort of vampire. Once a vampire hunter himself he’s careful not to drink too fully of his human food, fearing that he’ll turn into the creature he so despises. What motivates his actions is to hunt down Malgaard, an evil vampire who wants to rule the world. Malgaard is also the one responsible for turning Grey’s wife into a vampire, who in turn changed him. But a government agency, headed by his old human mentor (sort of like Van Helsing), is also after the head vampire. One of the government agents finds that she’s dying of an inoperable brain tumor and tries to make an arrangement with Grey-if she supplies him with information about the whereabouts of Malgaard he’ll change her into a ‘Necromorph’ when the time comes. He reluctantly agrees, primarily because he finds himself falling for this agent. Her agent boyfriend, on the other hand, tries to hunt them down after he discovers her betrayal. He loves her but can’t bear the thought of her becoming a ‘leech’. Ultimately, they all must also stop Malgaard before he gets in possession of a mystical medallion that will enable him to walk in the daylight. In the end all these characters converge for a final showdown-and a very satisfactory ending. Sleepless Nights is one of the best vampire movies I’ve ever seen. Although it follows the basic plot-points of John Carpenter’s Vampires, there’s plenty of new twists to the mythos. The performers, all unknowns, do an exceptional job, particularly Matthew Thomas as the sympathetic vampire Christian Grey. If you think the vampire genre is getting old and tired you NEED to rent this movie-it’ll turn you around!

Slipstream (2005)

Sean Astin (Lord of the Rings) portrays an unlikable physicist who has perfected a time-travel device. Yet, it only enables him to go ten minutes back in time. One day, when he’s at the bank depositing his check and trying miserably to pick up the bank teller, robbers come in and hold up the place. He’s shot—and turns on his device before he dies. Events rewind to the previous ten minutes and the events happen slightly differently. He ends up pairing up with an FBI agent, who wants to resurrect her partner. He was shot and killed the second time. It’s too late to do that, though, so they pursue the bank robbers, who have stolen the time-travel device. There’s lots of scenes that rewind and start over again. Sean Astin remains irritating throughout all of them. The movie ends exactly the way you think it would-back at the beginning-so that nothing really ends up happening after all. Slipstream is perhaps the most boring time travel movie ever made.

Slither (2006)

Slither is an old-fashioned monster movie, along the lines of The Blob and I Married a Monster from Outer Space. And, of course, to go along with the modern trend of the first decade of the 21st Century, there are plenty of zombies here as well.

The action takes place in small town around deer hunting season, in which a meteor has landed and has infected one of the local residents. He starts to change into a tentacled creature, much to the dismay of his young wife. The “hero” of the movie is the local Chief of Police (Nathan Fillion of Castle, Firefly), who has always had a crush on this unattainable woman. Some of the townspeople are taken over and are basically meat puppets for the creature (they all have his thoughts and memories) while others are impregnated and give explosive birth to the worms that are the cause of the infection. One character comments that the monster is basically a huge, living virus.

Although I enjoyed the movie my favorite parts are the documentaries on the extras of the dvd. Truly hilarious, particularly the bits with Nathan Fillion and director James Gunn (Dawn of the Dead remake). Slither is not at all about originality, it’s about entertainment. Yet,the biggest question of all remains... “Who is Bill Pardy?”

Slugs: The Movie (1988)

A rural town becomes prey to a strain of large mutant carnivorous slugs spawned from toxic waste dumping and it’s up to the local health inspector to stop them. First, two teenagers swimming in a pond are consumed, followed by an old drunk. There are slugs coming out of drains, up toilets and crawling the walls. The story is rather typical for your ‘nature gone wild’ scenario but the effects are quite good, particularly the exploding worm scenes. Not as good as Squirm.

Smallville: Season 10 (2011)

This tenth and final season is one of the best of the series, as engaging as it was the first few years it was on “The WB”. It begins with Lois knowing Clark’s secret, that he’s the superhero known as “The Blur”. She goes away on assignment to Egypt for a while, where she runs into Carter Hall, who is Hawkman. Clark’s Kryptonian cousan, Kara, returns to Earth and warns him of an impending danger. This turns out to be Darkseid and the World of Apokolips. Rather than being actual beings, they are more like those creatures from the Phantom Zone that possess people and take over their bodies. However, everyone who is contaminated by this evil has this weird “Omega” symbol on their skull. Some of these people are the ones in charge of passing the new “Vigilante Registration Law”, which wants to keep tabs on these people with superhuman abilities.

Tess Mercer, who runs Luther Corp, looks after the clone of Lex that is found—and it’s eventually discovered that he’s actually a clone of both Lex and Clark. He’s invulnerable. This is a nod to the “Superboy” character. A reformed Braniac (James Marsters) appears in an episode in which Clark attends his High school reunion. And there’s also a few “Parallel Universe” stories in which he’s transported to a world where Lionel Luthor, not the Kents, had raised him. And these alternate personas—Lionel and evil Clark, make it to our world and Clark has to deal with them. There’s also the return of Return of Zod, who was banished to the Phantom Zone the previous season. Since this had really been a younger clone, his disembodied spirit which was already there (from the original Zod, banished by Jor-El) reunites with it, basically resurrecting one of Superman’s main villains in years to come.

The story with Tess is tied up, with her dealing with the Luthor legacy—and discovering that Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum, returning after a few seasons) has managed to piece himself together with bits and pieces of all the different clone he’s had growing. The only thing he needs is a heart that is compatible—and since she’s his half-sister she’s the likely donor.

The two hour season finale is satisfying and sets up the Superman scenario well. When he finally gets all his powers from the Jor-el and the Fortress of Solitude, he’s many times more powerful which is all shown from long-shots and has a computer animated Superman flying in the sky and physically moving the planet of Apokolips away from the Earth. He’s even able to survive in outer space. By the end of the episode, and the series, Clark Kent/Superman is set up to be the character we know him as. Recommended, even if you haven’t seen Smallville in a long while.

Smilla’s Sense of Snow (1997)

A young Inuit boy is found dead after falling from the roof of an apartment building—and the boy’s friend, a thirty-something half-Inuit woman who lives in the same building—starts to investigate. You see, she knows that the boy was terrified of heights and would never go up to the roof unless someone was chasing him. She discovers that his father was a diver on a mining expedition in the arctic and that he was infected with a prehistoric worm-like parasite. It killed him almost immediately but managed to live longer in the son. The mining company, led by Richard Harris (Ravagers, Orca, Harry Potter) had discovered a very unique meteor that radiates unlimited energy—and this energy is what reawakened the parasite. The mining company wants to somehow harness this power and make millions of dollars. But Smilla wants nothing but revenge on the people who killed her young friend. In a scene very similar to the ending scene in Orca, Richard Harris runs out on the ice, the ice breaks and he sinks into the freezing water. Although this film would probably have never been made without the success of the X-Files, this movie’s dramatic and mystery elements surpasses it’s small screen inspiration.

Snake Island (2004)

This is a variation of the movie Frogs, only with snakes instead of amphibians. A group of tourists are taken to a newly opened resort on ‘Snake Island’, in Africa, and quickly meet their doom. The first to die are several of the employees, who have snake farm business on the side. They raised them for their skins and their meet. But the snakes on this island know that man is the enemy-and so the snakes start biting them on purpose. There are no giant or mutant snakes here-just pissed off poisonous snakes of all kinds, from mambas to cobras. William Katt (Greatest American Hero, House) is an author doing research on snakes-and he turns out to be one of the reluctant heroes. He and two other survivors must make their way off the island before they are trapped by the serpents and bitten. Snake Island is one of the better killer animal movies I’ve seen in years because it’s plausible and entertaining.

Snake Man, The (2004)

A deer hunter is interrupted from shooting a deer when a nearby branch snaps. He goes to investigate and finds this creature feeding. He takes out his camera and starts taking pictures before it runs off. What he has seen is soon known as ‘The Snake Man’. He’s invited on a local cable access talk show, where the host demeans him by saying he made everything up because he wants attention. Some other hunters, who are also pot-heads, decide that it might be a good idea to try to find this Snake man so they travel up to the area where he was sited. One of them accidently shoots a young woman. Another of the hunters wants to kill her because he’s likely to go to prison for a long time if he’s involved in such an incident. The Snake man, who has seen the whole thing happen, comes in and rescues her with his superhuman speed. He takes her back to his cave and sees that he must do something to repair her fatal wound. He bites off a piece of his flesh and puts it on her wound, where it is absorbed. She wakes up and is terrified of him. She also discovers that her skin is starting to become reptilian-like where he had patched her wound. During a flashback sequence he explains how he transformed into the monster-that he was once a human and was exposed to an illegal lab experiment. She comes to trust him and she eventually transforms into a similar creature, though she can also change back to her original appearance. There’s a revenge sequence where they deal with the poachers who shot her, which just seemed a little weird since the Snake Man’s goal is to just live alone, in peace. It’s good to see Andy Kumpon and Wayne Spitzer (Monstersdotcom) together in a movie again, and I dug the Snake Man costume (it looks like the lizard aliens in ‘V’), though it was painted too bright green. But the entire movie takes place in the Fall, in the Pacific Northwest, where the Snake Man would be hibernating in the 40 degree weather, not walking around. To be honest, this is my least favorite Ron Ford movie, I think because it’s not as polished or entertaining as his previous flicks. Where’s Randal Malone when you need him?

Snakehead Terror (2004)

Bruce Boxleitner (Babylon 5, Tron) is the sheriff of a small lakeside town where, years before, they had a problem with these snakehead fish taking over the waters. It was an ecological problem because there are no predators to kill them and they eat all the food in the lake. Two years after they poisoned the fish people start dying, their body parts found floating in the water. The sheriff and his deputies try to figure out what’s doing it and one of the theories is an alligator. But once a biologist arrives (Carol Alt) she determines that one of the teeth they found imbedded in a corpse belongs to a snakehead fish. But it’s ten times larger than it should be. These fish have grown to enormous proportions because the town doctor and his brother, who owns a fishing store, have dumped gallons and gallons of human growth hormone into the lake. This caused the surviving snakeheads to reproduce and grow far more rapidly than they would have naturally. Most are six to eight feet long, though one shows up that’s the size of a whale. The snakeheads can stay for a few hours out of the water, moving about on their strong fins and able to breath air. The sheriff’s daughter and her friends get stranded on one of the lake’s islands and must fight off the fish until her father comes to the rescue. They hole up in a house but the fish manage to break in through the walls. In the end they end up electrocuting all the fish by dropping the town’s main power line into the lake. Of course this movie follows the usual formula of Jaws or Piranha but the animals are weird enough and the effects suitably gory that it makes for an entertaining watch.

Snakes on a Plane (2006)

This is a surprisingly tepid horror/thriller, considering all the hoopla it received before it was released. The premise is that two FBI agents (one of them Samuel L. Jackson) are escorting a witness on a plane from Hawaii to Los Angeles, but the guy he is going to testify against has his henchmen put a bunch of poisonous snakes on the plane. Once the plane is a few hours in the air the reptiles are released from their cages and exposed to a pheromone that makes them crazy. They then go about biting anything and everything on the plane, much to the dismay of the passengers.

I’m not a big fan of computer animated creatures and here is another example where the snakes look like cartoons, not real creatures. Samuel L. Jackson and Juliann Margulies (ER, Ghost Ship) are vastly under-utilized and if they weren’t headlining this movie this would have simply been another crazy animal movie premiering Saturday night on the Sci-Fi Channel. The direct-to-video movie Tail Sting (2001), which has the exact same premise but with giant, genetically mutated scorpions on a plane, is far more entertaining.

Snorkel, The (1958)

The title kind of threw me off, as it sounds like the title for a Dr. Seuss book. It is anything but. It begins with an older guy sneaking around his wife’s bedroom while she’s sleeping. He turns on all the gas nozzles from the lamps and then puts on a scuba

mask. He hides in a compartment that under the room’s carpet and floorboards and has his mask’s snorkel hooked up to outside lines that are supplying him oxygen. So while his wife dies from breathing in the gas, he stays alive. In fact, he stays there all day while the maid discovers her body and calls the authorities. Then, when everyone is gone, he gets out of the house and then returns, seeming as if he just returned from his trip. His step-daughter is convinced that he killed her mother, since she knows she’d never commit suicide without leaving her a note. And she believes that this same man killed her father, something she saw when she was eight years old. However, everyone things she’s crazy and dismiss her suspicions. So she has to figure out a way to prove her suspicions. This is a fairly suspenseful film but it should have ended about two minutes earlier than what it did—that last scene kind of undid the payoff.

Snow Beast (2011)

This begins like the 1977 movie of the same name, with a skier getting attacked by something that is manlike and has white fur. Then, the thin story differs a bit. A biologist (John Schneider of Smallville, Lake Placid 2) with his crew, go to the Canadian wilderness to study Lynx population—and end up getting this monster recorded on their cameras. What complicates things—and makes the movie 90 minutes, is that the biologist brings his teenaged daughter along for the trip. On one hand I like it that they used a guy in a suit instead of lame cartoony CGI (like in a recent Syfy Yeti movie I saw). But that’s the only thing I liked.

Snow Devils, The  (1967)

In the future a weather station in the Himalayas is attacked...by something. Rod Jackson, commander of the space station Gamma 1 is sent to investigate. Also on board is his girlfriend and their Sherpa Guide, who is clearly a black guy, not an Asian. They are captured by the Yetis, who are tall bearded men covered in white hair wearing green vests. It’s revealed they are invading aliens—and they want to turn Earth into an ice ball and invade it. Weird Italian space movie, all the weirder because the tone is so serious. Recommended if you’re a fan of The Green Slime.

Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)

This big-budget, overblown Hollywood movie downplays the “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves” story and funnels the character through Lord of the Rings and Braveheart territory. The Evil Queen (Charlize Theron) marries young Snow White’s father, the King, after a battle with Evil forces and she stabs him on their wedding night. She’s sort of like a vampire, needing to kill and feast on human hearts to stay young. She’s in cahoots with her creepy brother, who has this bizarre haircut. Snow White is imprisoned until she’s a young woman. This is when she escapes right before the Queen is to slay her—and she flees into the Black Woods, where the Queen’s power does not work. So she sends in The Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth of Thor, Avengers) to find her and kill her. However, the two become allies. Yes, the dwarves are introduced and they are little warriors, not miners.

All in all, an extremely boring  and unemotional movie, with a poor casting of Kristin Stewart as Snow White. Her monotone face and buck teeth are far too distracting. This film sucks.

Solar Force (1995)

This seems like an Albert Pyun movie, minus the large-muscled women. In the 21st Century a captain by the name of Joe Brody (Michael Pare’) is sent down to Earth from the moon colony (which has the cheapest looking sets I’ve ever seen) in order to recover a stolen chemical. This chemical, once dispersed, will regenerate the plant-life on Earth and make it livable again. Instead of finding savages living on this barren planet, as he was told to believe by his people, he finds peaceful farming communities. There are also these ‘Motorcycle Pirates’ who look like refugees from the last Road Warrior movie. He ends up helping the community defend itself against the marauders. Along the way he falls in love with a beautiful young woman (Walker Brandt). She isn’t quite what Brody expected her to be. Brody finds out that the moon colony he comes from are ‘the bad guys’ and that they want the chemical compound back in order to add a virus to it. Once all this is dispersed it will not only bring back all the greenery but kill all the existing humans with a virus. Then, once everything is clear, the moon people will take over the planet. So Brody helps the natives launch the device themselves. Solar Force is about a generic post-apocalyptic movie you can get, sort of a poor man’s World Gone Wild or Road Warrior.

Someone is Watching Me (1978)

This was John Carpenter’s first foray into Tv land. Although reeking of the 70’s, it is hands down one of the better dark suspense films. I’ll even go so far as to say that this movie did for tv dark suspense what the original Halloween did for theatrical horror.

Lauren Hutton (Once Bitten, Fear), at a new job and apartment building (aptly named Arkham Towers) is tormented by a Peeping Tom who knows her every move. First, he sends her presents, then proceeds to the obligatory phone calls. Although Hutton does a good job playing the victim, she isn’t totally defenseless—on a few occasions she grabs kitchen knives and plunders into the dark. There’s also plenty of P.O.V. sots of the “watcher”. In a scene in which he’s repeatedly calling her on the phone, the viewer is shown an extreme close-up of part of his face. When the film cuts back to Hutton’s apartment, the camera pans down to show that there’s a microphone concealed beneath her kitchen table.

The only person who truly believes that someone is watching Hutton is co-worker Adrienne Barbeau (The Fog), and the “watcher” has the nerve to kill her off. David Birney, who plays Hutton’s love interest, says he also believes her, but his performance comes off as remarkably ineffectual. At one point, Birney looks to be a likely suspect for her torments. When the final confrontation with the killer occurs in Hutton’s apartment, with an ending that’s fairly predictable, Carpenter puts a slight twist on the Hutton character, making her seem almost as cold as the watcher/killer. After a brief struggle, he falls out the window, plummeting to his death. Hutton looks down and says, almost offhandedly, “He got too close.”

Soul Survivor (2000)

In this TV adaptation of the Dean Koontz novel Billy Zane (Demon Knight, The Phantom) portrays a newspaper reporter who lost his wife and five-year-old daughter in a plane crash a year before. When visiting their gravesite he’s approached by a young black woman who knows his name. She says she has information about the plane crash, that it was intentional. About a minute after she tells him this she’s pursued by these mysterious government agents. The reporter in Zane acts up and he starts doing his own investigating. He visits another family who lost relatives in that same plane crash and finds out they were recently visited by that mysterious woman-and that she showed them the truth about life after death. They seem creepily happy and want to share the news with him. But before they can the husband and wife kill themselves-and the house explodes. Zane narrowly escapes and eventually discovers a secret government organization that has been creating a new form of human, able to control things with their minds. And that mysterious woman was a scientist there, in charge of a very special girl, who has the power to heal. When she was on that same plane that Zane’s wife and daughter were on, taking the girl to safety (the government wanted to kill her), the girl transported her and the woman in between dimensions so that they survived the crash. But right after she visited family’s telling them that there’s life after death, ANOTHER one of the kids, who is able to ‘remote’, basically takes over their bodies and makes them kill themselves because he hates the little girl. This four-hour movie was decent, reminding me a bit of Firestarter with its kids and government experiments.

Something Beneath (2007)

A construction crew, putting in a new drainage system, digs of some black goo. One of the workers gets some on him and he hallucinates that tractors are trying to kill him, like Killdozer. I only know it was a hallucination because when his coworkers find him he’s dead in a completely different way, which looks like he fell on some pipes. Then it’s a year later and there’s a new hotel built on the site. The black goo starts coming out of the pipes and making the guests go nuts. There’s an environmental conference there which Father Douglas Middleton (Kevin Sorbo) is running, so it’s all very ironic that this is happening. It turns out that this black goo is ancient and the Ojibwe Indians new about it. In fact, one of the hotel managers, Khale Spence, wears an artifact given to her by her full-blooded grandmother. Sorbo is always entertaining, though I didn’t believe for a moment he was a priest. And the movie is interesting enough to make it watchable. If you liked Larry Cohen’s The Stuff you’ll enjoy this.

Something Evil (1972)

In one of Steven Speilberg’s early made-for-Tv movies Sandy Dennis and Darren McGavin (Kolchak: The Night Stalker series) and their two kids move into an old country house that is possessed by an evil spirit. The previous owner, an old man, jumped to his death from the barn some years before. At first everything goes well with the family, until strange events start to happen. A strange, ominous feeling pervades the house. They notice the pentagram painted on the side of the barn—and Dennis, an inspired artist, starts making pentagram necklaces and hand them out at a party. This does not make the evil spirit happy—and soon some people meet tragic ends. Although filled with a feeling of dread and creepy atmosphere there’s not a lot going on in the movie, particularly when it’s revealed in the climactic scene who is possessed by the evil spirit.

Something is Out There  (1986)

Jack Breslin (Joe Cortese) is a cop on undercover assignment to stop muggers. A jogger is killed nearby and there’s no clue as to who did it. She’s missing all of her internal organs as well. Jack is dating the daughter of the Commissioner (Kim Delaney), though he’s somewhat ambivalent about it. She’s nice looking but controlling. Then, three construction workers are killed by something that burrows under the ground. At the crime scene Jack sees a blonde woman with a big gun and goes after her, only to lose her when they are running across the tops of buildings. He finally catches her when he finds her in his apartment. Her name is Ta’ra (Maryam D’abo). He’s going to take her to the police station but she tells him she knows who is killing all those people. He’s convinced she’s an alien after she shows him her space shuttle parked out in the desert.

Ta’ra works on a prison spaceship. The majority of the convicts are human but the worst one is a shape-changer, the one who escapes. She calls it a Xenomorph. It takes control of her boyfriend’s mind and he starts releasing prisoners, who all to to the door where the alien prisoner is kept. Everyone on the spaceship is killed except for her—and she escapes to Earth in hopes of somehow destroying the creature. But she’s a scientist, not a hunter. This is why she needs Jack’s help. He brings her back to his apartment, where she proceeds to get intoxicated on caffeine. His girlfriend comes over around then, very bad timing, and Jack quickly comes up with the story that Ta’ra is his cousin from out of State. He gets a call from his partner that the suspect was seen going into an old theater—and once they get there they find out it has gone underground, into the sewers. It almost gets Ta’ra but Jack fires on it with the big laser gun.

The alien takes over the body of the Commissioner and reveals itself to Jack while he’s in a car, driving. They get in a crash and it looks like the Comish is killed, which is going to really put a damper on Jack’s relationship with his daughter. Jack flees, which makes himself look guilty. Ta’ra then tells him that the Xenomorph has gone back up to the spaceship, which is still in orbit around the Earth. They have to go up there and kill it before it can reproduce and take over the planet. It is able to use the corpses of the dead prisoners and crew members like puppets, so they have their work cut out for them. After a lot of running around, they decide to crash the ship into the ocean and manage to swim ashore, though they aren’t certain if they killed the creature or not.

Something is Out There is a fairly entertaining 80’s Sci-Fi made-for-television movie. The Xenomorph, created by Rick Baker, is pretty cool looking, sort of like a big insect, and is worth checking out for that alone. This movie spawned one of the worst short-lived series of all time....

Something is Out There: The Series (1988)

The series revolved around maverick detective Jack Breslin (Joe Cortese), who has paired with the alien T’ara (Maryam D’abo) to solve crimes. Some of these involve your standard serial killer while others have a more supernatural tone to them. Unfortunately, this short-lived television series didn’t work on several levels.Foremost is that there’s no chemistry between the two actors, Joe Cortese and Mary’am Dabo. She lives with him but he treats her mostly like a sister and their relationship remains vague. He’s also about twenty years older than her. The series also has the worst title sequence I have ever seen, presenting a sort of humorous “film noirish” intro along the lines of Moonlighting or Hart to Hart. They changed this intro midway through the series, by episode #5, to one with a much more sci-fi feel to it, showing the spaceship and action. The last episode is the best, with them coming upon a town taken over by an alien energy stone, which has transformed one of the citizens into a creature, which reminded me of the alien from Laserblast. If the series had started with this type of scenario I’m sure it would have lasted more than eight episodes.

Sometimes They Come Back...Again (1995)

This is like most of the sequels based on Stephen King’s short stories-not so great. Here, a father (Michael Gross of Family Ties, Tremors) returns to his childhood home after his mother dies in an accident. He brings along his daughter, Michelle (Hillary Swank), to help him close up the place. But he is soon haunted by some very real ghosts from his past-a gang of three hoodlums, led by Alexis Arquette. Thirty-years ago his sister was killed by the guys-and Gross interrupted a Satanic ritual they were performing. It seemed as thought they were killed-but only cast to hell so they could return later on. They are terrorized a bit, Michelle is taken hostage, and he has to replay the story over again to rescue her before they kill her as they did his sibling. The first half of the movie is good, as are the disturbing special effects of them as demons, but it soon turns way too campy and the ending is too predictable.

Son of Dr. Jeckyll, The (1951)

This is a decent follow-up to the Dr Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde story, about the son of the infamous Doctor who wants to prove that his father was not insane but actually transformed into a creature—so he tries to reproduce the same experiment from his father’s notes. But the friend of his father who raised him, really wants revenge on Jeckyll because of his lost fortune—and tries to make it look as if the son is also deranged. In the end, the truth is revealed and the friend of the family dies in a similar way to the original Mr. Hyde.

Son of the Blob (1971)

This sequel, produced by Jack Harris and directed by Larry Hagman (J.R Ewing!) is a movie decades ahead of its time. Featuring cameos by Gerritt Graham, Cindy Williams, Burgess Meredith and Carol Lynley, the movie consists of a series of disparate scenes that at first come off like sitcom episodes, most ending with the characters getting eaten by the Blob. The combination of the two different styles is unsettling, as you don’t really expect it. Just when you start liking a character they are killed. In the first movie the big scene was when the blob invaded a movie theater-here, it is a bowling alley. This movie is what a sequel should be-something very different from the original. Son of the Blob is an extremely quirky movie.

Son of the Mask (2004)

The Mask washes down a river and is picked up by a small dog and taken to his house. The people who live in the house are Avery (Jamie Kennedy), a struggling cartoon artist, and his wife. He’s supposed to go to a work Halloween Party and doesn’t have a costume-so he puts on that mask his dog found. What it does is transform him (as it did with Jim Carey in the first movie) into this green, cartoonish mayhem of energy. He’s not only a hit at the party-he goes home and gets his wife pregnant. The creator of the mask, Loki (Alan Cumming of X-Men 2, Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas), must recover it and give it to his father, Odin, or else he’ll be banished and stripped of his powers. He keeps on coming across these fake masks, first at a museum and then at an antique shop. Finally, it’s revealed to him that a child was born of the mask-and so he systematically makes a list of all the children born on a particular day-and visits all of their homes. Because the child was conceived when Avery was wearing the mask, this kid has those same powers, able to shape-shift. And because so much attention is given to the baby Avery’s dog is jealous-and so puts on the mask and tries to dispose of the tot in a Wyle E. Coyote way. It’s exactly like one of those Roadrunner cartoons...and it works. Son of the Mask is one sequel that is far far better than I thought it would be. I enjoyed it as much as the first film.

Sorcerer’s Apprentice, The (2010)

The special effects are amazing in this paint-by-numbers Walt Disney live-action adaptation of the Fantasia animated short. It begins with an epic battle between ancient sorcerers Balthazar Blake (Nicholas Cage) and Morgana LeFey (Alice Krige of Sleepwalkers, Ghost Story). Balthazar is an apprentice of the legendary Merlin and he manages to imprison Morgana in a weird wooden doll, along with many of her evil minions. However, in order to capture Morgana he also had to imprison sorcerer and love interest Veronica in there with her. Then the movie skips ahead to New York City ten years ago where Balthazar first encounters Dave (Jay Baruchel). Dave is on a field trip and stumbles into an old antique store. It’s here that Balthazar discovers this ten year old kid is Merlin’s replacement, though he can’t do anything about it when his enemy Horvath (Alfred Molina) appears. They fight and Balthazar is imprisoned for ten years.

In the meantime, Dave has grown up into an insecure young adult who is studying physics at college. Balthazar returns and basically tells him he’s a sorcerer—and Dave becomes the reluctant apprentice. And there’s also a love interest for Dave, the stereotypical beautiful blonde girl he ends up saving later in the movie. Everything in this film unfolds exactly the way you think it will. As I said, the special effects are great but the movie is forgettable.

Sore Losers (1997)

This movie has a bit of everything in it, from 50’s hoodlums to aliens to supra-dimensions to hippies, a cross between a David Lynch and a Charlie Pinion film-maybe a little weirder. Blackie, a human looking alien dressed in 50’s style, returns to Earth forty two years after his first visit to finish his original mission of killing a total of twelve victims. He needs three more killing, then he can go home. He eventually meets up with a few friends and trouble begins. One of them, Kerine, kills her parents and Blackie finds out that the deaths count as if he had killed them, bringing the count to 13, one more than he was supposed to get. Now, in order to go home he must take back the 13th death by killing someone that ‘The Elder’ his boss, chooses. But this turns out to be the girlfriend of the friend he’s travelling with. About this time the ‘Men in Black’ show up and kidnap this woman-and Blackie must get her back and kill her before they do. If you’re looking for the type of movie you’ve never seen before this is the ticket! Expect something different. Sore Losers delivers!

Sorority Row (2009)

A group of sorority girls play a mean joke on one their ex-boyfriends. The girlfriend pretends that she is having a bad reaction to roofies and fake vomits. They all pile in a van and rush her to the hospital with the freaked-out guy who really thinks that she is dying. But the driver says she is lost and they stop when another says that the girl is dead. The leader of the sorority says they’ll all be blamed for her death unless they dump her body in the nearby lake—but they have to make sure she’ll sink to the bottom and the only way to do this is to cut up her body, to let all the air out. While the girls are pretending to look for sharp stones in the surrounding area, the guy goes back to the van, takes out the tire iron and plunges it through the girl’s chest. Of course, he’s surprised when she starts screaming. Now that she’s really dead they decide to dump her body down an old nearby mine shaft. Never mind the slight problem that there probably isn’t going to be a mine by a lake.

Eight months later they are graduating college and holding a party at their sorority house. And someone has come back for revenge and begins to kill people, whether the guilty sorority girls or innocent bystanders. The murderer slays them with a goofy modified tire iron that has all these knives stuck to it. One of the first to die is the “slut” character, who is actually the most entertaining one in the movie because she’s so sarcastic. After this, it’s all downhill. The revelation as to who the real killer is is extremely implausible. I simply couldn’t believe it. Sorority Row tries to capture the 80’s Slasher Film but hopelessly fails.

Soul Searchers (2006)

Charlie Carter (newcomer Luke Tingle)is a young, single-white male who has recently moved from the East Coast to Los Angeles, the City of Angels (this is an important plot point). He seems entirely too normal but has these horrific nightmares of robed, sinister looking devil-worshippers. He meets an odd woman named Cat while he’s doing laundry and goes to visit her where she works-which turns out to be a strip joint. There he meets a guy who says he’s an old high school friend, who gives him his phone number to catch up. The friend invites him to a party, where Charlie meets Jade Lovecraft (Julie St. Claire), an older woman who immediately takes a liking to him. They leave the party, go to Charlie’s apartment and have sex. The next thing he knows, he goes out of town with her to a small town in Oregon, where things start to get weird-and the viewer gets the sense that none of what has happened to him so far is mere coincidence.

I don’t want to give the rest of it away, but it’s along the lines of those The Prophecy movies. Character actor Billy Drago (The Hills Have Eyes remake) portrays “The Man in Black”, who may have the answers to Charlie’s questions. In a nod to Jacob’s Ladder, Robert Rusler (Nightmare on Elm Street 2, Vamp, Sometimes They Come Back) is the chiropractor Dr. Geoke (sort of like the Danny Aeillo role in JL), and Chris Mitchum has a small part as Sheriff Traft. Of course, the director has a cameo in the movie as well.

My biggest complaint has to do with the main character and actor. In retrospect it makes sense for the plot that he seems innocent and like a kid—but his puppy dog enthusiasm grates on you after the first twenty-minutes and you really want something bad to happen to him, if for the wrong reasons. However, actress Julie St. Claire more than makes up for him, as she has quite a screen presence and is one of the better actors in the movie. The production value of the movie, shot in film, is also strong.

Overall, Soul Searchers has a 70’s feel to it, like The Dark Secret of Harvest Home, and those nightmare sequences do make you jump. It will be interesting to see in what direction writer/director Bentley Mitchum will go in his next production.

Soul Survivors (2002)

This is perhaps one of the worst horror movies to come along in the past decade. A group of teenagers are in a car accident following a party—and the whole rest of the movie is trying to figure out (not all that difficult) who is really alive, who is really dead, what is a dream, what isn’t a dream. Basically, a teenage version of Jacob’s Ladder that is missing a lot of rungs! Utterly unoriginal, predictable and not all that interesting. Not even Eliza Dushku strutting about helps. Dreadful!

Sound of my Voice (2011)

A  journalist,  Peter, and his girlfriend, Lorna, go undercover to find out about a new cult that’s sprouting up in the city. It’s all very secretive and they’re blindfolded when they are taken to the meeting location. The guy even swallows recording device so they can get footage. The reason Peter is doing this is because his mother was sucked into a cult when he was a kid and it fucked him up.  But his girlfriend gets converted. When they meet the cult’s leader, Maggie (Brit Marling of Another Earth), things shift. She explains that she comes from the future, where life is very difficult, and has come back to prepare certain people for what is to come. There’s also a side story of one of Peter’s students (he’s a teacher), a young girl who has visions. Maggie wants to meet her—claiming that this is her mother.  Is she telling the truth or is she crazy? In the last few minutes of the film Peter gets his answer. This is an intense, effective movie, worth checking out.

Sound of Thunder, A (2006)

Time Safari, Inc. run by a rich multimillionaire (Ben Kingsley), uses the time travel technology for profit, where fat rich guys can go back in time and shoot a dinosaur to death. But they can’t change anything in fear of changing the future. Even the smallest change could radically alter the present time. When one of the trips in time goes awry, something is changed. Huge trees and vines are growing in the middle of the city (Chicago), carnivorous insects are eating people and soon there are the descendants of the dinosaurs, primate-like creatures that look like a cross between a veloceraptor and a baboon. It’s up to the company’s lead scientist (Ed Burns) and the original creator of the time device to set things right.

As time travel movies go this is intriguing, as the event they keep on going back to involves the same Allosaurus dying. They get their via the time portal five minutes before it sinks into quicksand and before a nearby volcano explodes. So by killing this creature, which will die in moments anyway, they aren’t changing any event. The bullets the use are also made of frozen nitrogen so they soon vanish after use. It’s no big secret that what they accidently kill in the past-a butterfly (it’s on the dvd cover). The original tale is the Ray Bradbury short story, but made into a feature film feels like it’s a bit stretched out. The computer effects are decent and a futurist Chicago is convincingly portrayed ( I think most of the movie was done against Green Screen, like Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow). Still, it is a movie worth spending time with. Directed by Peter Hyams.

Source Code (2011)

Soldier Colter Stevens (Jake Gyllenhal of Donnie Darko) awakens to find himself on a passenger train heading into Chicago. The woman he’s sitting across from, Christina (Michelle Monaghan) seems to know him and calls him by a different name. When he gets up and looks in the bathroom mirror he sees a stranger—the guy doesn’t look like him at all. Somehow, Colter’s mind is in this guy’s body. Then, the train explodes and he finds himself, back in his own flesh, in some type of capsule—and there’s a woman, Goodwin (Vera Famiga of The Orphan) speaking to him on a monitor. She, and a scientist/inventor Dr. Rutledge, eventually explain that he’s on a mission to find out who planted and exploded the bomb because they think there will be a larger target that same day—the city of Chicago.

It’s all sort of like Groundhog Day in that Colter has to keep reliving the same eight minutes in the past. Things get interesting, however, when he attempts to change history, something Rutledge insists would never happen since he’s experiencing a sort of temporary reality in which he can only view the past. His going back those eight minutes is only sort of a copy of that event that exists for only those eight minutes. However, there are some twists and turns that make this all very interesting. Least to say, Source Code is one of the more satisfying time-travels in recent memory.

Southland Tales (2008)

Directed by Richard Kelly, this is as much a thematic sequel to his Donnie Darko than anything else. It’s about an an action hero actor, Boxer Santaros (Dwayne Johnson) with amnesia, who is married to a presidential candidate’s daughter and is part of a weird experiment involving doubles and breaching the fourth dimension. Another person involved in this experiment is Roland Taverner (a very subdued Seann William Scott), a police officer. There’s also Krysta Now (Sarah Michelle Gellar), an ex-porn star who has a very specific business plan.

My favorite part of the movie is the casting of the actors, which include lot of former Saturday Night Live performers cast against type, such as Jon Lovitz as a corrupt cop and Cheri Oteri as a terrorist. There’s also Justin Timberlake, Zelda Rubinstein, Curtis Armstrong and Christopher Lambert. In sheer weirdness, Southland Tales is along the lines of A Scanner Darkly, so be prepared.

Space: Above & Beyond (1995)

It’s about fifty years in the future and mankind has established a colony on an Earth-like world, Vesta. Humanity believes they are the only intelligent life in the universe until the colony is obliterated by mysterious aliens. We don’t see don’t see what they look like beneath their spacesuits other than that they are humanoid in shape.

In the two-hour pilot the main characters of the show are introduced. The first is Nathan West (Morgan Weisser), who was supposed to be aboard the colony spaceship heading for planet Tellus with his girlfriend. But there are some last minute changes and only one of them can go—and it ends up being the girl. West desperately wants to be with her and figures the only other way of getting into space is by joining the Marines. But then there’s word that the Vesta colony was destroyed as was the Tellus spaceship.

At boot camp West meets Shane Vansen (Kristen Cloke of Millennium tv series), a woman trying to escape from her past Her parents were killed in the Artificial Intelligence War. Afterwards, she was responsible for raising her two sisters. The AI War was when the human like robots revolted. In order to help combat them thousands of InVitros were created. They are humans grown in artificial gestation tanks and are born at 18 years old. The name for them is “Tanks” and the derogatory name is “Nipple Neck” since their navel is on the back of their necks. One of the more interesting characters is Cooper Hawkes, a Tank who is more or less coerced into joining the Marines. He’s both the most dangerous and child-like member of West and Vansen’s squadron, the Wild Cards. The other members are Wang and Vanessa Damphousse. She exhibits psychic ability in one of the episodes. Their first fight with the aliens is on Mars and they capture one of them. But when they try to remove it’s helmet it dissolves into green goo. The body is then sent to the military experts. They are given the name “Chigs” because supposedly they look like chigger bugs.

While there are a lot of firefights and action the majority of the episodes focus on the problems of the characters. In “Never No More” Shane is reunited with her high school sweetheart who had proposed to her five years before. Now she has to work with him on a dangerous mission and doesn’t want to let him down. In another, West encounters his younger brother who joined the Marines. And Cooper Hawkes slowly but surely becomes the most human one among them. In one episode, in which he is recruited for a special assignment on a planet, his origin is explained via flashbacks. “Angriest Angel” has their boss, Lt. Col. T.C. McQueen (James Morrison) up against an alien “Red Baron” who is destroying ships with a new spacecraft. It’s at the point that he becomes one of the main characters of the series. His voice-over even introduces the show.

It’s not until the last two episodes that we see what the Chigs look like and they resemble some alien from the original Outer Limits. The series ends on a down note. Although we find out why the aliens attacked the human colonies (it was because of the humans ignoring their warnings) and that there’s a close connection between the two species, the misunderstanding—and the war—continues to go on. Also, three of the Wild Cards are killed and their Colonel is injured and sent back to Earth.

This is an interesting show, much more of a war drama than a sci-fi series. Think of China Beach crossed with Starship Troopers.

Spaceman (1996)

This movie is perfect for what it is-a fish out of water story. At the beginning of the film a six-year-old boy is abducted from his home by aliens. 25 years later we see ‘men in black’ pulling out the remains of an alien escape pod from the Chicago River. Then, we go to a grocery store where a very odd look man, dressed in alien-esque clothes, is working. He keeps on referring to the manager as his commander. Through flashbacks we see that he is that young child, raised by aliens to be a killing machine. After he gets fired from the grocery store for assaulting a shoplifter he seeks out employment as a hired hit man after he reads about what hit-men do. But in the process he has the hit-men after him and has to deal with that. Then there are those men in black who simply want to dissect him and everyone associated with him. There’s also the girl in the apartment next door who he starts dating-and she realizes that he is indeed from outer space. Almost all the humor comes from the timing and performances of the actors-it’s utterly hilarious, much better than John Sayle’s Brother from Another Planet. In fact, one of the better movies I’m seen this year, period!

Spartacus: Blood & Sand (2010)

This series wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for the movie 300, as it has the same stylized violence and scenery. In the first episode, the warrior who will become “Spartacus” (Andy Whitfield) is fighting with the Romans to fend back a tribe of wild men who worship wolves. But when the Romans change plans and want his tribe of Thracians to fight in another war, they refuse. So they fight these Romans. Afterwards, he goes back to his beautiful wife. But the next day those same Romans capture. He awakens on a slave ship and is being taken to Capua, where he’s forced to fight in the Arena. He is told his wife was sold into slavery. He dreams of her and vows to get her back. In the second episode, he’s forced to train as a gladiator and given the name Spartacus, though that’s not his name. His new master is Batiatus (John Hannah), whose business is training the fighters. He’s married to Lucretia (Lucy Lawless), who is as ruthless and conniving as he is.

Spartacus’ nemesis is Crixus (Manu Bennett of 30 Days of Night, Sinbad and the Minotaur), who is the champion of Capua. The two men just don’t get along. In an episode where he’s forced to fight in the pits, where everything goes, it’s like a cross between Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome and Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The main guy he goes against skins the faces off his slain opponents and then wears them during the next fight. Then, when he and Crixus are matched against a mighty opponent, things get even weirder. The guy looks like a hairless Sasquatch, albino and about nine feet tall. There are plenty of interesting characters, exaggerated soap-opera-like shenanigans and more blood and chopped body parts than all the SAW movies combined. It’s sort of hypnotic, really. In the end, everyone gets what they deserve and you’ll be rooting for the gladiators in the last episode. This series is highly recommended.

Spartacus: Gods of the Arena (2011)

This prequel to the Starz original series begins with the last scene from the first season, in which Spartacus slays his master, Batiatus (John Hannah). The camera zooms in on the dying man’s eyes and then we go to a flashback, which explains how everything he did in his life led inexorably to his death. It’s at least several years earlier and Batiatus and his wife Lucretia (Lucy Lawless) are running their gladiator training house in the absence of his father, who is ill of health and in a Southern city of Rome. However, he soon returns and causes some problems for his son, of whom he disapproves. We also see how Crixus (Manu Bennett of 30 Days of Night) becomes a gladiator—and he’s a very different person than the one we see in the first season. The main gladiator, the one who Batiatus wants to be his champion, is the headstrong Gannicus, who acts more like Conan the Barbarian than anyone else. It’s also explained how the African, Oenomaus, became the trainer of the gladiators, the “Doctore”. We’re introduced to his wife, Melitta (Marisa Ramirez of Miraces). She and Gannicus develop feelings for one another after they are forced to have sex in front of the Masters’ company and manage to keep it secret. However, it ends tragically as they get crossed in the scheming of Lucretia, who really is quite the evil bitch.

This season tries to out-do all the decadence from the first and I think it actually succeeds, with gruesome killings, betrayals, orgies and murders. Gods of the Arena is an intense, brutal experience, though it does end on an up note for a few of the main characters.

Spasms (1983)

Oliver Reed is millionaire Jason Kincaid, who was injured by a monstrous serpent during a safari hunt in Africa. He survived the reptiles poison but now has a strange telepathic bond with the creature, being able to see through its eyes when it kills. He wants to stop these nightmares so he hires some men to capture it and bring it back to the States. Kincaid hires a university professor, Dr.Tom Brasilian (Peter Fonda) to study it but the creature escapes and starts killing people. After it bites them the people start to swell up and ‘pop’. These effects are decent enough but the snake is way too stiff and rubbery looking. There’s a sublot about a snake cult that wants to have this serpent and also the attraction between Kincaid’s twenty something niece (Kerrie Keane of Incubus) and the doctor.

Special Unit 2 (2001)

Kate Benson (Alexondra Lee) is a Chicago policewoman who can’t ignore the weird things she sees. For example, in the first episode she reports to her captain that she witnessed a gargoyle abduct a young girl. Although her boss wants to kick her off the force he puts her on leave. Then Detective Nick O’Malley (Michael Landes) appears and takes her to the headquarters of the local Special Unit 2, which is in an abandoned subway station. She’s recruited as an agent. Her new boss, Captain Richard Page (Richard Gant of Jason Lives), explains that all the non-human creatures in the world are referred to as “Links”, as they are missing links in mankind’s evolution. Nick ends up being her partner and he’s a gung-ho type guy who likes to shoot and blow up things. They get help from a gnome named Karl (Danny Woodburn). The police overlook his petty thievery as long as he continues to help them on supernatural leads. In this first episode they go after gargoyles that have awoken after seventeen years of hibernation. They are all set to hatch their eggs but need humans as fodder. The gargoyles aren’t Links, though, they are the descendants of the dinosaurs and are as hard as a rock.

In the second episode the team is trying to stop a pack of Thropes (werewolves) and O’Malley contaminates himself with the virus in order to take down the pack that’s ravaging the city. These werewolves look like the Oliver Reed lycanthrope in Curse of Werewolf. In other episodes they encounter a Japanese Mummy (a creature that was most recently seen in The Middleman), A succubus, Black Widows, a lake monster, monster bounty hunters, a hypochondriac Cupid and perhaps the most repulsive monster I’ve ever seen on a tv show—a monster made out of the fat from hundreds of liposuction procedures.

I found these 19 episodes very entertaining, much of it due to Danny Woodburn’s performance as Karl the Gnome. In one episode he tries passing himself off as a garden gnome while he cases the house, which is surrounded by dozens of the diminutive statues. He wants to rob them because the statues piss him off. The show is not as serious as X-Files, though the special effects are on par to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I think the biggest problem is that the writers didn’t have enough to do with the relationship between Benson and O’Malley, as it gets repetitive the last six episodes. Also, in the first six episodes Sean Whalen (People Under the Stairs) is the crazy scientist/lab guy of Special Unit 2 and he’s great in the part. Then for the rest of the series he’s replaced by the much younger Jonathan (Jonathon Togo of CSI: Miami) who is simply irritating.

Species III (2004)

The third installment of this killer alien franchise is, surprisingly, its best. To give you an idea of how much I liked the first two movies, let’s say it’s an ‘F’ word that rhymes with the title. The action picks up immediately after the end of Part 2, with the dead body of Sil being taken away in an ambulance. The ambulance is being driven by a scientist who plans to steal her body and hopes of learning the aliens’ secrets. When Sil begins having contractions she unexpectedly comes back to life-and gives birth to a daughter. As she’s in labor, though, another hybrid alien, in the form of a small boy, strangles her to death. The ambulance is abandoned and the scientist manages to take Sil’s baby to safety, where he raises her. This scientist also teaches at the local college and recruits one of his more intelligent students to help him in his work. This happens after they both witness the ‘meltdown’ of a hybrid alien, which turns out to be that boy alien at the beginning rapidly grown to adulthood. Before he dies he alien explains that the alien/human hybrids are dying because their DNA is not pure. Sil’s daughter, on the other-hand, has the most complete alien DNA. In fact, she doesn’t want to mate with any human males because she knows it’s futile. Least to say, she and the other hybrids don’t exactly get along, which causes most of the conflict. Considering this is a cheaper, direct-to-video sequel, this movie doesn’t skimp on the gory special-effects or the nudity.

Species: The Awakening (2007)

The 4th movie is better than the third. I generally don’t like the Species series but this one was okay, more of a Frankenstein/mad scientist movie than it really is a Species/Alien movie. Here, Dr. Hollander (Ben Cross of Dark Shadows Revival series) portrays a college professor who reveals to his beautiful blonde niece, Miranda, after she kills a roomful of people, that she’s not really his niece. He, and one of his former students (Dominic Keating of Enterprise) created her by combining the alien and human DNA. He had been giving her special injections of human hormones, to subdue her alien characteristics, but they are no longer working. He takes her down to Mexico in hopes of finding his former colleague - and encounters several more of the alien hybrids there.

Helena Mattson as Miranda is a far better actress than Natasha Henstridge. Species #4 is definitely a step in the right direction for this franchise.

Speck (2002)

On July 13, 1966 Richard Speck raped and killed a group of nurses in Chicago. The majority of this ‘based on a true story’ movie is told from his point of view, with him talking. He says such things as ‘If I were rational,’ or ‘If I was normal’, things he realistically probably wouldn’t know if it hit him in the head. He’s insane, a psychopathic sociopath. This really doesn’t give any insight into his character but makes the movie seem like serial killer philosophy 101. Almost all the killings are done off screen and we only see the aftermath. He also self-mutilates himself, especially at the end, when he slashes his wrists (the wrong way!). The biggest problem with Speck is one of the most boring serial killer movies I’ve ever seen.

Spectre (1997)

A haunted house tales that’s considerably better than the ‘Amityville Horror’ sequels, with Greg Evigan (Tek War) and Alexandra Paul (Christine, The Paperboy) moving into an old Irish mansion she inherited from her witchcraft practicing ancestors. Strange things start to happen, like their daughter’s ‘imaginary’ friend,who is really the ghost of a murdered young girl, and the startling appearance of a ferocious loooking spectral monster. When the family asks for help from the local priest he reveals that he batled the evil forces in the house once before and was successful in keeping them at bay, sealing them up with a magic amulet imbedded in the basement wall. Unfortunately Evigan had pried this magic talisman out, releasing all the evil spirits. Just when everything seems to be resolved these ethereal creatures possess his wife, preying upon her insecurities, transforming her into a raging lunatic, a la Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Though somewhat typical and predictable it is refreshing to see that the characters readily believe what they see and accept that supernatural forces are at work rather than wandering around, pretending they don’t.

Spider (2003)

A man (Ralph Fiennes) is released from an insane asylum and retraces the events and places that had eventually put him there. At first everything seems very straight-forward,but midway through we start to realize how much he’s actually hallucinating. In many of the flashbacks he’s seen standing there, watching his younger self, an effective way of putting himself into the events of the past. Although it has a somewhat simple plot and the crime he committed is fairly obvious, it’s still a creepy look on someone’s descent into insanity. Directed by David Cronenberg.

Spiderman (2002)

This is as perfect as a movie adaptation of a comic book hero can get, a film that lives up to its pre-release hype. All of the actors, from Tobey Migure as Peter Parker to Kirsten Dunst as MaryJane to Willem Dafoe as The Green Goblin, are extremely well cast. The computer generated Spiderman in action is amazing, capturing the sense of the popular 60’s cartoon as well as the exhilaration Parker is having with his newfound spider powers. A very enjoyable two hours of Spidey fun.

Spiderman 2 (2004)

This sequel is a good movie, though not as engaging as the first film. I think the problem is that all of Peter Parker’s conflicts in this story are the same that were in the first film, which are keeping his secret identity, sorting out his feelings for Mary Jane Watson, and hiding the truth from his friend Harry Osborne. It made me feel like I’d seen this all before. The best thing about #2 is that it has a better villain than the Green Goblin. Alfred Molina as Dr.Octopus is perfect and I liked how they explained how he becomes evil so quickly. We’re also introduced to Dr. Connor (aka The Lizard) and J. Jonah Jameson’s astronaut son (The Man-Wolf), which was interesting, though they remained peripheral characters for the most part.The movie is open-ended for the third installment, which will undoubtedly feature the return of The Green Goblin. Definitely check it out-but don’t expect to be ‘wowed’ too much.

Spiderman 3 (2007)

This third sequel retreads the angst and on/again/off/again relationship between Peter Parker, Mary Jane and Harry Osborne, so much so that I felt as if I was watching a rerun, not a sequel. Yes, the special effects are great, but so what if you keep on looking at your watch, waiting for the movie to end.

There are some unintentionally funny scenes, such as when the “Venom Meteor” falls to earth in Central Park. Yet another alien falling to earth in a meteor? Come on! Or when escaped fugitive Flint Marko escapes from prison and returns to his apartment and puts on a striped, prison-looking shirt to replace the orange prison jumpsuit. The most painful scenes, however, are when Peter Parker is under the influence of the Venom Spider-suit and dances around like he’s in a 70’s disco movie. It does not work.

The biggest goof, however, is the music by Danny Elfman which accompanies the appearance of the Sandman. It sounds as if it’s lifted from a Godzilla movie. In fact, there’s a scene in which the Sndman materializes as a giant, hundred foot tall monster, so I’m thinking this is all-too intentional. Also, I don’t know if this is an attempt at a homage or simply a coincidence, but the Japanese live-action Spiderman television series (which aired the same year as the American version) had Spidey fighting giant monsters on a weekly basis! There are supposed to be some emotional scenes but they fall flat. Perhaps because the movie has no heart to it. I felt absolutely nothing for these characters. #3 is the Amazingly Bad Spiderman movie.

Spiderwick Chronicles (2008)

For someone who has never seen the bulk of horror and fantasy films that have been made, such as an eight-year-old, this will probably be a good movie. However, as an adult, this is very much familiar territory and it was an effort to keep my interest on the movie.  The premise is that a family, going through a separation with the mother and father, moves to an old family house which once belonged to a guy with the unlikely name of Arthur Spiderwick. Hidden amongst his study is a book he had written, “The Spiderwick Chronicles”, which uncovers the hidden magical world that exists around us. However, the ogre Mulgarath wants to obtain because it will make him more powerful, so he constantly sends his army of goblins to try and get it. The house, however, is in a protective circle, so they can’t get the book. It’s a lot of back and forth and we see a lot of computer special effects. Yes, the creatures are cool looking for about five minutes but that’s about it. One of the more distracting aspects of the movie is that the twin boys are portrayed by one actor, Freddie Highmore, and that was stretching the plausibility, much ore than any magical creatures.

Spine Chillers (2003)

This British horror series is akin to Tales from the Darkside and Twilight Zone. In one episode, a telephone salesmen’s phone starts having a mind of its own, causing the breakup between him and his wife, sending inappropriate texts and pictures to co-workers, utterly destroying his life. In Fruitcake of the Living Dead, a women’s society fruitcake baking competition goes awry because of voodoo. In another, a couple moves out to the country with hopes of having a child and end up with a weird plant creature that the local witch has concocted for them. This series is primarily horror/comedy, opting more for laughs than chills.

Spirit Hunter: La Llorona (2004)

The myth of La Llorona (The Weeping Woman) is that long ago a woman fell in love with a man-but he didn’t want anything to do with her because she had two children. So she kills the children and then tells him that they’re gone. He’s repulsed and leaves her. She goes even more insane and kills herself.In the present day, in Riverside City, Arizona, the spirit of La Llorona is possessing young mothers and making them kill their children. In comes Dr. Stern, a supernatural investigator with psychic abilities. He figures out what’s going on and is determined to stop this evil spirit. It turns out that the wife of a local politician is going to be next and it’s a race against time-and the authorities-for him to stop her from killing her son. The way he does this is through ‘remote viewing’, where he’s able to leave his body and go to this other realm of existence (which is portrayed creepily through the video effects). La Lllorona is an interesting movie in that it tackled a legend I was totally unfamiliar with and presented it in an unconventional way. The character of Dr. Stern is one of the main characters-but he’s this rather unlikeable guy who is hard to relate to. It’s the other characters, such as Olivia, the first mother who kills her children, I was more drawn to. The acting and production values are solid and the ghost effects aren’t overplayed. Written, Directed and produced by Jose Cruz.

Spirit Trap (2006)

Jenny (Billie Piper of Doctor Who, Diary of a Call Girl) and several other college students are contacted by a housing agency that there are rooms available at an old mansion. As strange events start to happen and people begin to die they eventually realize that they’ve been summoned to this place for a specific purpose, which isn’t all that surprising. The sets are suitably creepy and enough is going on so that the story doesn’t get boring, although the scripts borrows from both William Castle’s House on Haunted Hill and Thirteen Ghosts.

Spirit, The (1987)

Sam Jones (Flash Gordon, ReVamped) is The Spirit/Denny Colt, who has a secrete hideout in a graveyard. Nana Visitor (Friday the 13th) is love-interest Ellen Dolan. The story centers around the local museum and its curator, Teasdale, who may be responsible for replacing the valued items with forgeries. The biggest problem with this, besides the hokiness, is that basically every scene takes place in broad daylight, obviously on the Universal Studios backlot, which undermines any sort of “mysteriousness” The Spirit has. The Spirit movie by Frank Miller is far far better than this made-for-television movie.

Spirit, The  (2008)

This is a fun adaptation of the Will Eisner comic book character with clever dialogue, heavily stylized action and some weird moments. What best describes it is “What if Stanley Kubrick made a superhero movie instead of making Dr. Strangelove?”. I’m not saying Frank Miller is the next Stanley Kubrick, only that the movie has that weird bent to it.

The Spirit is a crime fighter in a 1950’s looking city, though people have the internet and computers. When he’s shot he quickly heals and can’t seem to die. Why?

He thinks there may be a connection between him and his arch nemesis The Octopus (Samuel Jackson). When someone asks him why he thinks this his deadpan reply is “because he told me there’s a connection”. Much of the movie involves him reuniting with a childhood girlfriend, Sand Saref, who has returned to The City to acquire something very valuable to her— armor of Jason of the Argonauts and a vase containing the blood of Heracles. The Octopus wants to drink the blood because he believes it will make him immortal.

I found one of the most entertaining parts of the movie are the Octopus’ henchmen (Louis Lombardi), which he creates in his lab. They all look alike and he kills them when they become too irritating. His assistant, Silken Floss (Scarlett Johansson) doesn’t do all that much. The movie does have a sense of humor, which I think confuses people into thinking it’s a spoof. The one thing I could have done without is Samuel Jackson in yet another one of these types of roles. He’s becoming a spoof of himself, which is not a good thing. This is not a bad movie, I think it’s just different than what people expected. I enjoyed Frank Miller’s The Spirit far more than I enjoyed overrated The Dark Knight.

Splatter Movie: The Director’s Cut (2009)

I tend not to like movies that are about the making of a movie, so I was already going into viewing this film on a slightly biased basis. It’s like someone asking me to walk into a patch of poison ivy—I really don’t want to do it and if I do anyways I’ll know I’ll be itchy and uncomfortable long after the deed. I mean, what could these filmmakers do that hasn’t been done umpteen million times before? Well, what they did simply amazed me—they created something highly entertaining, unpredictable and unique that’s completely unhindered by the label “no budget production”.

The movie begins with the director, Amy Lee Parker (portrayed by real-life director Amy Lynn Best) talking into the camera, explaining how she has planned to massacre her entire crew. It’s a bit awkward and it had me wondering from the get-go what was going on. Soon we’re thrust into the making of horror movie at a cool haunted house attraction, which made me forget about that intro. But when I thought about it it made me wonder even more why she’d want to kill this production crew, as they all know her from past projects and she’s well-liked.

Then, the actor portraying the masked villain is killed and the killer dons the mask and costume, killing more of the actors, though no one else is aware until it’s too late. There are faux interviews with the cast and crew, which really gives it a genuine documentary feel, and real life scream queen Debbie Rochon and makeup effects guy/now actor Tom Sullivan portray themselves. I must say that Debbie’s rape scene is not quite what you’ll think it will be, which goes for the rest of the movie. My biggest surprise however, is Tom Sullivan, who I’ve only been familiar with as “the guy who did the effects for Evil Dead” and pretty much dismissed him as a permanent horror convention figure. He is the gold nugget of this movie. I would say that if you’re only going to watch one ultra-independent horror movie this year than it should, hands down, be Splatter Movie. You will not be disappointed.

Splice (2010)

Splice is a modern-day Frankenstein story. Two scientists, Clive (Adrian Brody of The Jacket, King Kong) and Elsa (Sarah Polley of Dawn of the Dead remake) create a new species of creature, which includes some human DNA. At first Clive wants to abort the experiment, especially when it stings Elsa, but he soon begins to support his girlfriend’s unorthodox experiment. At first the creature looks like a weird alien, with a big split head, catlike eyes and only two limbs. But it is aging at an accelerated rate and as it does so begins to look more and more like a human woman.

When one of their other experiments goes awry and they get in trouble from the lab they work for, they realize that they have to move their creation, now named Dren, somewhere else. So they take her to an old farmhouse that Elsa had inherited from her crazy mother. They kept Dren locked up in the barn, complete with a heater, a huge tank of water for her amphibious characteristics, and toys. Dren begins to develop a crush on Clive—and Clive begins to sense this attraction. In fact, he realizes that Elsa used her own DNA in the chimera’s creation, which may be the reason why he’s attracted to Dren. But Elsa is going over the edge and begins to abuse Dren. It may be because she’s back at the old house where she was abused by her mother or it’s just an aspect of her personality coming out that she’s hidden from Clive. Whatever the reason, a rift develops. When she finds the two having sex she retreats back to her city apartment.

Splice is a solid monster movie that feels reminiscent of an old David Cronenberg movie, back when he was making horror. The CGI effects are seamless and I was totally convinced that this creature actually existed. I also like the fact that the last twenty minutes came as a surprise but still fit well with the rest of the movie. Recommended.

Spliced (2003)

This movie is far better than the box art would lead you to believe it to be. An 18 year-old girl is having nightmares and is sleepwalking. Soon after she wakes up she finds herself standing outside her house, near the street. This upsets both her mother and father. She absolutely loves horror movies. One day, after she falls asleep in class and wakes up screaming, she’s sent to the school’s counselor. She explains to him that she likes being scared by horror movies because it makes her feel alive, that it gives her a thrill she can’t get in real life. Then, she and two of her girlfriends decide to see a new movie called The Wisher, which is about this tree demon that grants wishes in a backwards sort of way. During the first ten minutes she becomes violently ill, starts throwing up and leaves the theatre. She later finds out that the movie has subliminal images spliced into it, images that are strange symbols like a scythe and a pentagram. The same night she went to see this movie is the same night that she wished her father to disappear-and he’s killed in a fiery car crash. She feels as if it’s her fault, as though her wishing for it made it happen. Months later this happens again, when she wishes one of her friends to stop talking. Soon after, her friend is attacked and her tongue cut out of her mouth. A few more horrible accidents-and deaths happen, all seemingly because of her wishing for it. Did her seeing the movie cause this to happen? Or is someone she knows mimicking the Wisher creature from the movie, a creature that has a white face, cloak and these pointed claws? In the end she has to find this out for herself. Sure, this movie is heavily influenced by both the Nightmare on Elm Street and Wishmaster movies, yet is still very entertaining. There are far worse movies out there.

Splinter (2008)

A couple, Seth and Polly (Jill Wagner of Blade: The Series), decide to go camping but pack it in once their tent erection goes awry. As they are driving to a motel, they decide to stop for a woman who appears to need help. She doesn’t— and her boyfriend, Dennis is quickly at the car window waving a gun. Seth and Polly are taken hostage until they run over some type of animal, which flattens one of the tires. Seth has no idea how to change a flat so Dennis has the honors, though he gets a splinter in his finger from removing the blown out tire. You see, the dog they ran over is contaminated by this

spike-like growth and now it’s in Dennis.

They go to a nearby gas station but the gas station attendant is nowhere to be found , so Dennis decides to help himself to the cash register, while his girlfriend goes to the restroom. She finds the gas station attendant, only dead-looking and with these spikes protruding all over him. She’s the first to die— and the three others manage to get inside and lock the doors. But how long will they be able to keep the creature(s) out before it gets to them?

Not only is this movie non-stop, with plenty of action and some excellent special effects, it has some interesting character development. Although parts reminded me of THE THING, EVIL DEAD, THE BLOB and NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, the movie very much has it’s own unique monster. Hands down, SPLINTER is one of the best horror movies of 2008. See this movie. Directed by Toby Wilkins.

Spook Movie, The (2009)

This independent horror flick begins with an explanation of the urban myth of “The Spook”, then goes to an unlikely overweight television reporter, talking about the escape of some mental patients from an asylum. She’s then killed by one of them. Talk about bad timing. Then we go to some of the characters, which include the sheriff and his deputy, who looks like she’s twelve. This is sort of disturbing in the scenes where he’s fantasizing about her. There are plenty of killings, with a woman getting a machete through her head and a guy getting slain with a shovel. I was impressed with the scene where another guy gets his eye poked out from something piercing the back of his head.

I would say the strongest performance is by Warren Hogan as “The Spook”, as he doesn’t need to talk to convey his menace. In a flashback we learn of his origin, how he was taunted and given a face-full of biting snakes, which obviously drove him insane.

This ultra-low budget slasher movie is low on production value and acting ability but high on having a memorable villain and some simple but effective makeup effects. It was directed and shot in five days by David Daze.

Spring, The (2000)

In this made for cable movie Kyle McLachlan and his son, on a vacation in the country, come across a town where the inhabitants do not age. After he falls in love with the local doctor (Allison Eastwood) he learns that the source of the town’s youthfullness is a mysterious spring, which also has healing powers. Of course, this sounds like the ideal place to live-and it guarantees that his son will not succumb to cancer as his wife did. But there’s a catch—it was decided by the town council that the time limit for a person’s life is 100 years. Once they reach that centennial b-day a party is thrown for them—and they’re drowned in the waters of the spring. Once McLachlin sees this unsavory aspect of his newly adopted village he wants to leave. With the help of his newfound love, who wishes to stay behind, he does. Not a bad movie, although very similar to Shirley Jackson’s The Lottery and the old-age makeups are decent.

Sssss! (1973)

A college student named David Blake (Dirk Benedict)  is hired as a lab assistant by Dr. Stoner (Strother Martin). Dr. Stoner works with snakes, and he’s concocted serum that can transform a human into a King Cobra. While working at his home facility, he falls in love with Stoner’s daughter, Kristina (Heather Menzies of the Logan’s Run series). But Stoner is somewhat ruthless. He kills another college professor, who threatens him, by placing poisonous snakes in his home. By the time David realizes what’s going on it’s too late—and he’s transformed into a snake. The ending sequence has him being attacked by a mongoose, with his girlfriend screaming. This is a fairly relentless horror movie, without the typical Hollywood happy ending. Recommended.

St. John’s Wort (2004)

This is an painfully boring movie. A young Japanese woman has strange dreams about an old house, which leads her to contact a friend at a videogaming company. The company is working on a haunted house type videogame. The young woman has just inherited the house that her father lived in, someone she never knew. Once at the house they see all these strange paintings and it turns out that her father was a famous artist. She also keeps on having images of looking up a long staircase and seeing a small child. Then, she and the video guy (who is videotaping everything so they can incorporate it into the game) discover the mummified bodies of children, who had disappeared during the past twelve years. They try to leave but their car is smashed when a tree falls on it.She eventually finds out she had a twin and that the twin was probably committing these murders out of revenge. By the way, it’s explained that St. John’s Wort, which is a yellow flower, was used in ancient times to represent ‘revenge’, hence the title.There’s a surprise ending that’s somewhat ludicrous. There are also many many problems with this film. Everything is colored with these green and purple colors which is very distracting. Maybe they were trying to make it look like a video game? The cutting between the game and the real-life exploring of the house just doesn’t work and is far too jarring. The pacing and editing also make it a chore to watch, as there’s no suspense. And whoever was responsible for dubbing this in English should be whacked upside the head-the voices just don’t match the characters and don’t even attempt to match the character’s lips. Sure, it’s Japanese you’re dubbing over but this looks worse than in an old Godzilla movie! Bad bad bad!!!!

Stacy (2002)

What a weird zombie movie. For some unexplained reason 15-17 year-old girls start becoming man-eating zombies soon after they experience NDH-Near Death Happiness. The term for them is Stacy. The victims are overcome with this euphoria, which literally makes them giggling school girls. The squads that kill the zombies are called Romero Squads and one of the weapons used to chop them up is called ‘Bruce Campbell’s Right Arm 2’. One of the stories concerns a man who joins the Romero Squad because his sister turned into a Stacy and he had to kill her. But when he’s confronted by the zombie of his girlfriend he protects her and wants to run away with her, which is something you never do with a Stacy. There’s also a story about a puppeteer who befriends a NDH girl, who wants him to kill her when she changes. He enjoys her company when she’s alive-and must make the decision of what he’s going to do when she dies and comes back. There’s also a mad scientist who does these gruesome experiments on Stacys, somewhat like the ‘Dr Frankenstein’ character in Romero’s Day of the Dead. At times goofy, at times creepy, Stacy is an extremely original take on the zombie genre. It’s worth seeing just to see how odd it is.

Stage Ghost (2000)

The ‘Haunted Western’ is an odd sub-genre, one that often doesn’t work. In this one, a deputy sheriff (Edward Albert) is bringing in his prisoner (Christopher Atkins) across the country, to the nearby town. He stops at a secluded store, where a group of people are waiting for a Stage Coach. When the coach shows up it is empty-and covered with blood. They try to leave in it but end up back at the store, for various reasons. One of them is these ghosts riding horses, which are really disguised outlaws in search of a hidden treasure. There is also the Indian arrows that come out of nowhere-and the notes accompanying them which say ‘Give it back’. They have no idea what it means. As the movie progresses people are picked off by the arrows-and the lawman and the criminal become allies. There’s also a love interest that develops for Atkins with a young woman. We eventually find out that there is indeed a supernatural cause for all of this, which stems back from the Spanish enslaving the local American Indians hundreds of years before. The story was okay, more of a hokey adventure movie than a horror film. What I did not like was that the majority of the film took place during the night and all of these scenes were shot ‘day for night’, which means they were filmed during the bright sunlight with a blue filter over the lens. This never looks right, particularly with all the shadows on the ground, and only succeeded in cheapening the production. Directed by Stephen Furst (Babylon 5, Flounder from Animal House tv series) and features an extended cameo by John Vernon (the principal in Animal House).

Stake Land (2010)

Soon after an outbreak, in which vampires overrun the world, a teenager named Martin is rescued by a mysterious man, Mister, who seems to take extra satisfaction in slaying the bloodsuckers. These aren’t the poofy Vamps of the Twilight movies. These are vicious animals, intent on only one thing— feeding on blood. The movie follows them as they travel across the apocalyptic landscape as they make their way up to Canada. The rumor is that it’s too cold for them to survive there. Along the way they pick up some fellow travelers, including Sister, a nun (Kelly McGillis) and Belle (Danielle Harris of Hatchet II), who is pregnant. And there’s a group of bad guys, who belong to a cult that sacrifices strangers to the vampires. They’re led by Jebedia Loven (Fringe’s Michael Cerveris), who turns into a formidable enemy. Stakeland is highly recommended. One of the best horror movies released to dvd in 2011. Directed by Jim Mickle.

Stalk the Wild Chid (1976)

A feral ten-year old child who is running with a pack of wild dogs is captured by two deer hunters in California. He’s brought to a nearby hospital and gets the attention of Dr. James Hazard (David Janssen), who finds him fascinating. Rather than have the child go to foster services he volunteers to be a foster father so he can study the kid. The doctor hires a speech therapist, Maggie (Trish Van Devere) to teach him language, since he doesn’t yet talk. They want to teach him before he loses the ability to speak.

They name him Cal.

The first part of the movie consists of their trials and tribulations of trying to educate the wild boy and the second half is him as a young adult (played by Joseph Bottom). He cares for his adoptive parents but wants to go out on his own, especially after the doctor shows his colleagues a film about his “civilizing”, which some people make fun of. He storms out and has a fit since they are laughing at him. Around this time a bigwig book publisher offers to pay Cal to write a book about his experiences and sets him up in a secluded cabin near where he was found as a child. A blonde, attractive assistant is also there—and a potential love interest for Cal. At first he can’t write anything, then memories start to resurface and he manages to find a clue as to what happened to him as a kid. He was lost when he was three, chasing after a kite.

The Lucan TV movie, which came out the following year, is very similar. Stalk the Wild Child is an interesting movie but Lucan is definitely the better of the two.

Stan Helsing (2009)

This parody is about a video store clerk named Stan (Steve Howey), who meets up with some friends after work to go to a killer Halloween party. One of the friends is a chubby African-American guy wearing a Superman outfit, one of the women is Stan’s hot ex-girlfriend (Diora Baird of Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning), and a blonde bimbette. On the way to the party Stan has to drop off some dvd’s to the store’s owner, which gets them extremely sidetracked. On the way they hit a dog, whose owner vows to kill them all, then almost get hit by a truck, pick up an escaped murderer who is hitching and encounter a weird couple at a gas station. However, the weirdest destination is a town they enter called Stormy Estates, which used to be home to a movie studio before it burned down—and fried everyone in the town. Things become even stranger when they stop into the town’s restaurant, where everyone thinks he’s Van Helsing, come to save them from the monsters. The waitress of the place is Leslie Nielsen in drag.

I was surprised at how funny this movie is. At the beginning, in the video store, we see people returning The Ring dvd and then dropping dead in a pile of bodies of everyone who rented the fatal movie. And the spoofs of Pinhead, Freddy and Jason are hilarious, as are Chucky, Leatherface and The Shape. The sense of humor of the movie is along the lines of the Scary Movie  films, which makes sense since it’s directed by Bo Zenga, the Executive Producer of the first movie of that franchise. Recommended for laugh.

Star Force (2005)

This is one of those low-budget, forgettable sci-fi movies that has the hero switch to the side of the underdog and fight for their freedom from the evil government. Vernon Wells (The Road Warrior, Commando) portrays one of the sinister soldiers. It really reminded me of Solar Force. The computerized starship effects are decent and high energy. Unfortunately they don’t quite match the flat, cheap looking sets in which the actors wander about.If you’re an insomniac this may be a good video sleeping pill.

Starcrossed (1985)

Mary (Belinda Bauer ofTime Rider, Sins of Dorian Gray) is an alien stranded on earth, chased by yet another secret government organization. In between the running around she falls in love with a human mechanic named Joey (James Spader). Of course he helps her get home but not before they fall in love.

Starman (1986-87)

Based on the John Carpenter movie (1984), this television series features Robert Hayes (Airplane!) in the Jeff Bridges role, as an alien who assumes the body of a dead human. This is Paul Forrester, a photographer who is killed in a helicopter accident. This explains why he doesn’t look like Jeff Bridges—and it gives him an identity as a human. He reunites with his fourteen-year-old son, Scott (Christopher Daniel Barnes), and goes in search of his lost love, all the while pursued by—you guessed it—a government agent name George Fox who wants to capture and study them. Starman’s son, as with most human/alien crossbreeds, is able to do amazing things, such as levitate objects.

Starquest II (1999)

In this movie, which has nothing to do with the first Star Quest movie, a group of ten people awaken on a huge starship and try to figure out why they are there. They are seemingly the only inhabitants but know that someone is watching them through the various ship cameras, which are obviously displayed. In fact, several of these people are killed violently by a bolt of electricity that comes out of the devices. In the meantime, though, these people have a lot of sex. In fact, one of the couples consists of a criminal and a lap dancer, so there’s a lot of bare-breasted dancing going. One by one the people are killed and it is revealed that they’ve been kidnapped by aliens. Two of the humans, in fact, turn out to be the aliens in human disguise (one is Robert Englund). One of them wants the humans dead, the other wants them alive because it’s the only way to save his race through cross-breeding their two species. The sets are sparse but work, though some of those sliding doors look a little too much like the plywood they are. And, of course, there is lots of stock footage of spaceships from other Roger Corman produced movies, most notably Battle Beyond the Stars. I think there are thirty Concorde movies that have used spaceship footage from that flick! Also, the story line and feel of the movie is a great deal like Corman’s recent remake of Teenage Caveman, so the plot is recycled as well. Still, it’s a quick moving hour and a half with some decent horror/sci-fi actors (Robert Englund and Adam Baldwin).

Star Runners (2009)

Two smugglers, Tycho Johns (Connor Trinneer of Star Trek: Enterprise) and Lei Chen, are caught by the government for running guns to rebels. They are given a choice. They either get thirty years to life in a penal colony or go on a mission. This mission involves recovering a mysterious crate from Rigel 4. So they choose the job. But when they finally get to the crate they see it holds a human—and she awakens. It’s a young woman who doesn’t speak. They arrange for transport on a ship but it’s shot down onto an inhospitable planet where they discover a scientific base. It’s overrun by these giant bugs which they have to fight. Most of the locations look like they were shot in an abandoned quarry and there’s a weird scene where it looks like they are on the tracks of an old subway.

This is an entertaining enough movie but it’s definitely an amalgamation of better known shows such as Star Trek and Firefly with the stylistic effects of the new Battlestar Galactica thrown in.

Star Trek (2009)

Next to Star Trek: First Contact, this is the best Star Trek movie made. I am not exaggerating. My favorite Star Trek episodes tend to be the time-travel ones and this is a doozy. The premise is that a renegade Romulan by the name of Nero has gone back in time, because of an accident that destroyed Romulus, and tries to destroy Vulcan and Earth as revenge, as he holds Ambassador Spock responsible. In the opening sequence George Kirk is killed shortly after encountering Nero, and this starts an alternate timeline in which Kirk is a bit more out of control, presumably because he had no father figure. I had my reservations about another actor trying to fill William Shatner’s shoes as Kirk—but actor Chris Pine not only fills those shoes but kicks them off after a while.

While the events and circumstances of the characters are changed this movie is still very true to the heart of them. The different relationship between Spock and his father, Sarek, as well as Spock’s interaction with Uhura takes on all that much more meaning when you consider the Spock of original timeline. It was entertaining and fascinating to see these familiar characters say familiar lines in totally different circumstances. This is definitely the best way to re-invigorate the franchise and introduce a whole new generation to Star Trek.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)

This is undeniably one of the best Star Trek movies, up there with The Undiscovered Country and First Contact. It begins with a training exercise that introduces the half Romulan/half Vulcan crew member Saavik (Kirstie Alley), who is a prodigy of Captain Spock’s.  Admiral Kirk is visiting, though he’s a bit depressed because it’s his birthday. McCoy visits him at his San Francisco home and gives him a pair of reading glasses since he’s allergic to the typical treatment for near-sightedness. There’s also the crew of the Reliant, which is looking for a lifeless planet to test the new Genesis experiment on. They land on the inhospitable world and are surprised to find cargo containers. Chekhov, the second in command, sees the word “Reliant” and immediately realizes who this all belongs to. When Khan and his people show up this is confirmed, much to his dismay. Khan blames Kirk and the Federation for stranding them on this planet all those years ago—and wants revenge. They take over the Reliant, which is overseeing an experiment involving a device called Genesis. In charge of this experiment is Dr Carol Marcus and her son David. She had a fling with Kirk long ago and David is his son.

When Kirk gets a cryptic message from Carol he and the Enterprise go to investigate—and encounter the wrath of the utterly insane Khan (Ricardo Montalban). What makes this movie so effective is that the stakes are so high. Lots of people die, including fan favorite Spock. This movie is as exciting as Star Trek: The Motion Picture was boring.

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984)

This takes place a few months after the end of The Wrath of Khan, during which Spock sacrificed his life to save the crew of the Enterprise. Everyone is still feeling the repercussions of that, particularly Kirk. And McCoy is acting very strangely, especially when he breaks into Spock’s quarters on the Enterprise and speaks in his voice. Sarek, Spock’s father, visits Kirk and wants Spock’s Katra, his soul, and is disappointed to find out that Kirk doesn’t have it. But McCoy does— Spock gave it to him at the end of the previous movie. While all this is happening Kirk’s son, David Marcus, and Lt. Saavik, are exploring the newly created Genesis Planet. They come across Spock’s coffin and find creatures growing from the bacteria. Soon, they come across a very young Vulcan child—and this proves to be a reborn Spock. Only he doesn’t have any of his memories.

The war-like Klingons get wind of the Genesis device and blow up the ship that had dropped them off, stranding them on this unstable planet. Meanwhile, Kirk wants to return to the Genesis planet but is forbidden by Starfleet to do so. In fact, they are moth-balling the Enterprise because the ship is too old. So the crew manages to steal it and fly to Genesis, where there’s a confrontation with the Klingons....

As Star Trek movies go this is a good one, though the plot-line is completely written around undoing everything set up in the second movie. The one thing that always bothers me about this film is the casting of Christopher Lloyd as the evil Klingon adversary, Krug. I just kept on expecting him to go into his Reverend Jim character from Taxi, which diminishes any sort of threat he’s supposed to convey.

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986)

Kirk and his close-knit crew has taken refuge on Vulcan because they are in trouble for stealing the Enterprise in The Search for Spock. It’s three months after that movie and they all decide to return to Earth for the consequences of their actions. But before they reach their home world it’s attacked by a huge, mysterious probe that causes violent weather. It keeps transmitting a message that Spock realizes is “whale sounds”, though whales are now extinct on Earth. They surmise that if they are able to get a whale that the creature will respond to the Probe and the destruction will end. So they create a time-warp and go back in time to the mid 1980’s. Since the Enterprise was destroyed they do this in the Klingon ship they had taken from Krug in the previous movie.

They arrive in San Francisco and quickly find two whales that are being kept at a marina. However, they are going to be let go in the wild very soon, much to the dismay of marine biologist Dr. Gillian Taylor (Catherine Hicks of Tucker’s Witch, Child’s Play), who is emotionally attached to them. Kirk tries to convince Gillian that he’s here to protect the whales and it’s not until she sees the actual spaceship that she believes him.

First, I must say that I like this movie, though it’s the least-Star Trek of all the feature films, from the chintzy non-theme music to the overall comedic tone. Sure, there are some harrowing bits, like with the giant Probe about to destroy the Earth and Chekhov almost dying aboard a nuclear wessel, but the rest of the movie is very light. The most important thing it does is restore Spock to normalcy.

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)

When I first saw this movie my reaction was not very positive. Now, years later, after viewing it for a second time, I can see what irritated me back then. Compared to the other STAR TREK movies there’s way too much comedy and hokeyness, from Spock with his anti-gravity boots, Scotty banging himself unconscious in the engineering room or Uhura doing a dance just dressed in feathers. The story, concerning Spock’s half-brother Sybok hijacking the Enterprise in order to find God in the center of the universe is a decent enough idea, but this and the comedy simply doesn’t mix so well. William Shatner isn’t a bad director—- it’s the script that was bad.

Star Trek: First Contact (1996)

This is the best Star Trek movie—and I always have considered this a zombie film, as the dead-skinned Borg are basically techno-zombies. The movie immediately gets off to a bang with an encounter with the Borg with the crew thrust bck in time to when humans have their “first Contact” with an alien race, the Vulcans. The Enterprise has to save Earth, save the Federation, and make sure that first contact goes off without a hitch. The most entertaining characters are James Cromwell as Dr. Zefram Cochrane, inventor of the first Warp Drive ship, Alfre Woodward as Lily Sloane, his companion, and Alice Krige (Ghost Story, Sleepwalkers) as The Borg Queen. And, of course, a drunk Deanna Troi is pretty amusing.

Star Trek: Nemesis (2002)

I was hoping this would be one of the best of the theatrical Star Trek movies. Although big things do happen, namely the marriage of Deanna and Riker and the death of one of the principals, this movie simply didn’t have a lot of energy. The pacing/editing was just ‘off’. The story is that the Romulan government is taken over by the Remans, who’ve been used as a slave race. But the Reman’s leader is a young human, a human who just happens to be the clone of Jean Luc Picard—and he wants to kill the captain of the Enterprise. He also needs the captain’s blood because his own DNA is starting to break down because of a side-effect of the cloning process. The actor they cast as the clone is damn good-a creepy villain. And he looks exactly like a younger version of Patrick Stewart. But once the first confrontation happens and the crew of the Enterprise once again has to prevent the destruction of the Earth, I started to yawn. It seemed like the producers were trying to copy Wrath of Khan too much and it didn’t work. First Contact still remains the best of the ‘Next Generation’ movies.

Star Trek: The Animated Series (1973)

Created four years after the original series third (and last) season ended, I’ve always considered this the fourth season. All the voices of the original cast, from William Shatner to Nichelle Nichols to Leonard Nimoy and George Takei as Sulu. Several of the stories are continuations, such as More Tribbles, More Troubles, written by David Gerrold (who wrote the first Tribbles story) and a return to the vacation planet where Dr. McCoy had first seen the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. The best story, perhaps, is Yesteryear, written by D.C. Fontana, in which Spock must go back in time through the Guardian Forever and save himself from getting killed as a child. This story introduces his pet Sehlat (sort of a giant saber-tooth bear).

As this is a Filmation Production some of the scenes look rather cheap and the same sound are used for all the flying creatures, that cry you always hear for pteradactyls in 70’s cartoons. And in the Yesteryear episode the lizard-like animal that almost kills Spock has the official Godzilla roar, which I suspect is probably some “in joke” on the production. Still, the animation enables the crew to encounter far more alien appearing creatures, such as a being that can separate his body in three parts, giant intelligent slugs and, of course, Enterprise crew members M’ress (cat-like alien) and Lt. Arex (three armed orange guy with a bony head). In recent novelizations, most notably Peter David’s New Frontier series , he re-introduces these two alien crew members and with the 40th Anniversary trilogy, Crucible, these animated adventures are also acknowledged. These twenty-three episodes are quite a blast from the past and a must for any Trek fan.

Star Wars Holiday Special  (1978)

I was hoping that this wouldn’t be nearly as bad as I thought it was over thirty years ago—but indeed it is. It’s a “Variety-Hour” style show, complete with laugh track, featuring not only the Star Wars cast—Harrison Ford, Mark Hammill, Carrie Fisher, but Art Carney, Bea Arthur. The one cool thing is the short cartoon, which is the first appearance of Bobba Fett. The animation is closer to Yellow Submarine than those more recent Clone Wars shorts that aired on Cartoon Network a few years ago.

I was cringing when they introduced Chewbacca’s family, including a son named Lumpy! And his grandfather is called Grumpy!

Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith (2005)

Well, it’s finally here, the last installment of the Star Wars saga. The questions of why Anakin turned to the darkside, how the Jedi were killed and how the Empire arises, and why Obi Wan and Yoda put themselves in exile are all answered. There’s also tons of excellent effects and an ending that ties directly to the beginning of part IV: A New Hope, which I thought was cool. The emphasis of the story is on the relationship between Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) and Padme (Natalie Portman), which is integral to the creation of ‘Darth Vader’. But the main thing I wanted to see was the battle between Obi Wan and Vader, which is what these first three movies have ultimately led up to. Rest assured, it’s not a disappointment-and, in fact, a bit more brutal than I thought it might be. What happens to Anakin is truly horrible and has the most emotional resonance of the entire picture. This third movie is much better than the previous two, though I found it didn’t have quite the ‘Wow’ factor given by the first Star Wars movie. I suppose the twenty-six years since seeing that first movie has jaded me a bit-and I’m also more of a Star Trek than a Star Wars fan. Nevertheless, Lucas has managed to pull it off. This movie puts it all together.

Stardust (2007)

A young man named Tristan (Charlie Cox), in order to prove his love to a stuck-up village girl named Victoria (Sienna Miller), vows to bring her back a fallen star. Unfortunately, it has landed beyond this very long stone wall the villagers are forbidden to cross. On the other side is a very different, supernatural land. Of course, he crosses over anyways and does find the fallen star, though it is in the form of a young woman named Yvaine (Claire Danes). Also after the star is a witch named Lamia (Michelle Pfeiffer) and also the sons of the King of Stormhold, who simply wish to have the power.

Tristan and Yvaine meet an odd assortment of characters, there are some decent special effects, and a very predictable, very Hollywood type ending. If you ask me to compare this to another movie I’d say it’s similar to Big Fish, without the emotional resonance. It is a very light-hearted fantasy film...that is not memorable.

Stargate (1994)

In the late 1920’s an ancient interstellar device, a Stargate, is discovered by an archeological team. In the present day (1994) a linguist, Dr. Daniel Jackson (James Spader), is brought in to decipher a huge stone tablet that’s kept at a hidden government facility. It turns out it’s not a language but a star chart. When the Stargate opens a wormhole portal to another world a team is assembled. Jackson is sent to make sure they can read the hieroglyphics of the Stargate on the way back. But Colonel O’Neil (Kurt Russell) has another agenda—to blow up the Stargate with a nuclear bomb and prevent a possible invasion on Earth.

However, they come across a planet inhabited by humans, who were taken there, as slaves, thousands of years ago. They mine the metal of the Stargates for the god, Ra (Jaye Davidson). He’s an alien who has inhabited the body of a human, and has a whole entourage of warrior servants who are dressed like the ancient Egyptian gods. Spader falls for a woman, Sha’uri, who is the daughter of the people’s leader, Kasuf (Erick Avari of Planet of the Apes, Daredevil). Kasuf’s son, with the help of the few American soldiers that survive, becomes leader of the resistance to fight Ra’s hold over them.

I’ve always liked this movie and it holds up well over time. However, I detest the Stargate SG-1 television series that followed a few years later. While Michael Shanks did a good enough job in the original Spader role, it was a horrible mistake to cast McGyver as O’Neil.

Starhunter (1998)

Sub-par space adventure series which is actually an ‘Americanized’ version of the New Zealand shot series Starhunter 2176.Bounty hunter Dante Montana (Michael Pare), is the captain of the starship Tulip. He’s searching for his son, who was kidnapped by a group called Raiders ten years before. The Raiders seem to be the equivalent of space pirates. Also on board the ship are his niece Percy (a TERRIBLE actress here) and a security person Lou (an African-Earth woman), who has a secret agenda. Her agenda is to report any information about the ‘Divinity Cluster’ to her father, who works for a government organization. The Cluster is a series of chromosomes in human DNA that were planted by aliens long ago and serve some mysterious purpose, perhaps leading to the next step in mankind’s evolution. In the opening episode the villain has tapped into this and is able to do physically impossible things, such as float in the air.The special effects, all computer generated, are good and presumably taken from the original series. The interior sets, however, appear extremely cheap and flimsy. And for the Tulip being such a large ship (could hold 500 people), its interior looks small and cramped. One of the main set pieces is the jail on board the ship-which is a metal barred cage, which we see far too often. Only a few of the 8 episodes on this DVD are worth a look, the others far too boring.

Starship Troopers (1997)

Although this is a bit different than the Robert A. Heinlein novel it’s one of the better alien invasion movies, ever. Yes, ever. The premise is that an alien insect civilization is attacking earth by projecting meteors at it.

The story focuses on Johnny Rico (Casper Van Dien) and fellow soldiers Dizzy Flores (Dina Meyer) and Carmen Ibanez (Denise Richards) as they move through the ranks. While Rico’s girlfriend is being trained as a starship pilot, he and Dizzy are designated as soldiers on the front and come face to face with these big crab-like creatures. For once this is actually a great use of computerized effects—and I think this was the first time (in ‘97) where I saw CGI used for gore effects, with solders being sliced and diced by the monsters.

I enjoyed the computerized Saturday Morning spinoff, Roughnecks: The Starship Trooper Chronicles (1999) which was true to this movie. The second sequel is okay but the third, which has the return of the Rico character, sucked.

Directed by Paul Verhoeven (Basic Instinct, Hollow Man).

Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation (2004)

Hero of the Federation - I loved the first Starship Troopers movie-it was over-the-top, had great special visuals and an effective cast. But whereas everything in the first movie seemed ‘new’, from the gleam of the spaceships to the plastic looking faces of the lead actors-this much lower budgeted sequel opts for the grit as well as presenting a more intimate war. And as a result I have some decidedly mixed feelings about this installment. It’s five years after the events in the first movie and a battalion of soldiers are stuck on a barren planet. Their only hope of survival from the giant arachnids is to hide in an old human outpost, which has previously been overrun, and is now abandoned. They manage to fix the electricity and run the force-field, which keeps the hordes of insects away, but are now trapped inside the castle-like building until they are rescued. Several of the soldiers who came to the outpost last act a bit peculiar-and the reason for this is that they are infected with these much smaller versions of the bug. These insects crawl in through the mouth and take over the body until they incubate and spread more spider-like hatchlings. The effect is very similar to the evil body-hopping alien in The Hidden. Of course this whole scenario is extremely reminiscent of The Thing From Another World and John Carpenter’s The Thing, with the soldiers slowly being taken over by the aliens. In fact, at the beginning of the film, one of the guards is investigating a noise and says ‘Who goes there?’, which, of course, is the name of the short story both THING movies are based upon. Director Phil Tippett knows the genre very well-and does the best he can with the budget he was given. It’s the tried and true ‘Night of the Living Dead’ scenario, with a group of people trapped inside a building.We’re shown shots of the computer-animated bugs at the beginning and end of the movie, which are on par with the original, and nearly everything in between deals with the smaller but no less dangerous threat. Some of the characters introduced at the beginning, such as the psychic lieutenant, are really unlikable and it’s only after they’re disposed of that the movie picks up. The gore effects also increase, so by the end there is plenty of blood, brains and alien guts flying around. If you’re looking for a movie to rival the action and excitement of the first film you will be disappointed....this is as different as a sequel can get. Yet, if you can stick with it past the first half-hour you won’t be disappointed.

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder (2008)

This sequel to the Paul Verhoeven movie is a huge disappointment, primarily because it lacks any intensity or suspense seen in the first two movies. It’s about a decade after the events of the first movie and we catch up with what’s happened to Johnny Rico. Not a lot. He’s fighting on a farm planet but it’s taken over by the bugs and they narrowly escape but not before he’s accused of treason. He’s almost hanged but is spared at the last minute to head a rescue mission which involves a new weapon called Marauder, basically a variation of the exo-skeleton in Aliens II.

The CGI special effects are a lot cheaper looking and while the gore effects are nasty there are simply too many heads rolling around, a distinct case where two heads—or twenty—are not better than one. There are two new types of bugs introduced, one that’s a living grenade and another that looks like a giant scorpion, and that’s probably the best part of the movie. There’s also a huge brain insect that resembles something from the Lovecraftian mythos.

I think the biggest problem is that there’s no further characterization of Rico and far too many of those military propaganda commercials that simply bring any flow of the movie to a halt. There’s also this weird religious aspect to the script which just didn’t work. All that praying only succeeded in giving actress Jolene Blalock an embarassing performance. Starship Troopers 3 can best be described as Cthulhu meets Jesus.

Staunton Hill (2009)

The movie’s intro credits begin with shots of bloody implements in a farmhouse, intercut with a blonde girl having some type of surgery in a too bright white room. As expected, this all makes sense during the course of the movie.

In 1969 a group of 5 friends, two guys and three women, are hitching the back roads in order to get to a political rally in Washington D.C. After a hostile encounter with a racist guy at a gas station, they manage to get a ride from a guy named Quentin, who is way too eager to help them out. But his car isn’t working too well and they end up stalling out in the countryside a short time later. So they all head out on foot again. They soon come across an old farmhouse, which looks deserted at first, and camp out in the barn the first night. Two of the friends, who are a couple, have sex in the hay. The next day they find out that the farm belongs to the Staunton family. This is obese Louise, her retarded son Buddy and her wheelchair bound mother. When Buddy first sees the group he ends up hitting one of the guys in the face with a shovel. Then Louise comes out and apologizes and offers them a meal.

The friends begin to get comfortable and let their guard down, which is exactly what the Stauntons want. When one of the young women goes to find a bathroom in the house Louise tells her it’s not working and that she should use the one on the other side of the barn. She does this—and finds an utterly filthy bathroom in what looks like a crude operating room. She also encounters Buddy, who kills her, straps her to a table and starts cutting her apart. While this is happening, one of the other characters is describing to another how farm animals are slaughtered, which makes it even more unsettling. Soon after, the mother blows away the leg of the token black guy with a shotgun. He wakes up to find himself tied up—and witnesses Buddy scalping his girlfriend, just like in a scene from Maniac. In the end it comes down to one of the women surviving and escaping, though there’s a somewhat predictable “twist” ending that does not lead to anything good happening to her.

Staunton Hill has good production values, solid acting and suitably gruesome special effects that would be right at home in a Texas Chainsaw movie. But I didn’t quite understand why the movie was set in 1969. There’s a few anachronisms such as one character telling another to fasten her seat belt—when most cars didn’t even have seatbelts—or when Mrs. Staunton tells one of the hitchers that smoking is bad for them—when back then no one was aware of the health hazards of cigarettes. Directed by Cameron Romero, son of George Romero.

Stay (2005)

From the get go you know that the main character, Henry Letham (Ryan Gosling) is dying, already dead or in Hell. So the rest of the movie is simply an exercise in weirdness, an excuse to have some strange morph effects, creepy sets and some chilling moments. Think Jacob’s Ladder crossed with Identity and you get the picture.

Stay Alive (2006)

Yet another lackluster horror movie based on a video game. A guy playing a new video game about a haunted house and the creatures that dwell within is killed in the exact same way as he dies in the game. His friends come across this game, play it, and they start dropping off one by one. They realize it has something to do with the game but the game won’t let them quit playing. It’s basically The Ring, but with a video game, and the villain is the spirit of the woman who the game is about. The whole thing about Elizabeth Bathory is turned into a bunch of gobble-dee-gook (script writers should do their research on the topic they are writing about). Stay Alive should really be titled Stay Awake, because that’s what I was trying to do watching it.

Steel Justice (1992)

This is quite a strange movie. The prologue talks about how time-travelers go in search of people throughout history who can transform, which means to me that they can transform into something else themselves. What they really meant is that certain people can transform Objects from one form to another. Detective David Nash has recently lost his son in an explosion that was intended for him. The only thing he has left to remind himself of the boy is this toy Robosaurus that they had built together. The detective keeps on having dreams about his son’s death-and the toy, but the toy is breathing out flames like a dragon and chewing up life-sized cars. In fact, after a while, he starts finding the toy about his house, as if it has moved on his own. Eventually the detective meets the time-traveler he’s seen in his dreams and it’s explained to him that he has the power to transform. And what does he transform? That robosaurus toy, of course! In a showdown with the corrupt, weapon-toting bad guys, he’s able to transform the dino toy into a towering metal monster, which breathes flame and kills everyone. When the action is over the creature vanishes. Okay. It seems to me that this is somewhat of a stupid talent for people to have-making something small into something big. We’re given examples, such as Stonehenge and The Trojan Horse having been made this way, but it’s still silly. I did not need to see this really big, fake-looking metal dinosaur that could only move its jaws and claws chase after people who could in reality easily run away from it. I don’t know what these filmmakers were thinking....

Stendahl Syndrome, The (2000)

An Italian policewoman, on the trail of a serial killer/rapist, becomes engrossed in a hallucinatory world brought upon by viewing great works of art. One moment she’s looking at a painting, the next moment she is inside the same painting. It is the condition that connects her to the serial killer she pursues, as he has this disorder as well. What this has to do with him being a serial killer or her being able to capture him I have no idea but it makes for some fascinating visuals. What starts off as an extremely interesting film with a dream within a dream within a dream feel, utterly screwing with what exactly is the film’s ‘reality’ Argento’s film sadly turns into another predictable and worse, boring serial killer movie. Although there are some graphic moments, such as when he shoots a woman through the side of the head and you see the bullet going on its journey, these effects seem to be there only for the sake of having up to date computer effects. To compound the problem, the heroine, portrayed by Asia Argento (the director’s daughter) has all the charisma of...a plate of pasta.

Stepdaughter, The (1999)

Andrea Roth (Sasquatch) portrays a disturbed woman who tracks down her birth mother, who gave her up for adoption when she was born. She blames her mother for all the bad things that happened to her-the horrible foster homes, the sexual abuse and her commitment to a mental institution. She poses as A woman looking for work-and gets hired at their horse farm. She tries to seduce the husband, befriends the mentally deficient son-but the daughter suspects her of something. Even when she kills the mother by electrocuting her in a bathtub no one catches on. That is, until the daughter does some investigating and finds out that the woman isn’t who she says she is. A few more people are killed until there’s a confrontation between her and her half-sister. This is somewhat typical, only elevated by Roth’s performance as the crazed woman, who switches from being friendly to psychotic in a moment.

Stepfather, The (2009)

In the beginning it’s clearly established that this guy (Dylan Walsh) is a murderous psychopath as he steps over the dead bodies of his most recent family. He shaves off his beard and changes his appearance before he moves into another typical American town as “David Harris”. Here, he meets Susan Harding (Sela Ward), a recently divorced mother. They hit it off and six months later he’s not only living with her in her house but they’re engaged to be married. Then, her oldest son, Michael, comes home from military school to meet him and is suspicious of his intentions. The high schooler senses something is wrong with mom’s new boyfriend.

David kills an old lady next door after she says that he looks like a serial killer on America’s Most Wanted. He makes it look like an accident. Then, Michael sees him talking to himself like he’s crazy, which he is. The mother’s sister gets him a job at her real estate office, a job he excels at. But when she wants him to fill out paperwork and give them his social security info, he quits since he doesn’t want anything of himself on paper. David even begins to forget his own name. “Who am I supposed to be again?”, he asks at one point.

Of course, there were no cell phones or internet when the original 80’s movie came out so they had to work that angle in, as well as making the main character of the film not the mother or the Stepfather but a precocious teenage son, presumably to appeal to that demographic.I’m sure if they made this movie a few years ago they would have cast Shia LaBeouf in the role. In the original ‘87 film the main character was “the girl in danger”, Jill Schoelen. The biggest problem is that Walsh’s “David Harris” pales in comparison to Terry O’Quinn’s “Jerry Blake”. Least to say, The Stepfather 2009 is another forgettable remake.

Stepford Wives, The (2004)

This ‘remake’ is much better than I thought it would be, considering all of the bad press & reviews immediately following its theatrical release. So I went in thinking my finger would be glued to the fast-forward button. Surprisingly, this Stepford Wives is an entertaining movie with lots of sarcastic humor. Since everyone has seen the original and its surprise ending in which all the women are being replaced by robot versions of themselves, I think the producers just took it for granted that the audience knew this and went on from there, creating a very different type of movie. Nicole Kidman portrays a top television executive with weird hair who is suddenly fired from her job. She has a bad reaction-and her husband (Mathew Broderick) thinks it’s a good idea if they go out an live in the country, in Connecticut. What they experience are neighbors who behave as if it’s the 1950’s, with Christopher Walken being the guy in charge and Glenn Close as his extremely conservative wife. Kidman meets some of her neighbors and finds it odd that they all act the way they do. She quickly becomes friends with another new neighbor and kindred spirit, Bette Middler, who portrays this quirky writer. When she is changed into one of the ‘perfect wives’, Kidman takes matters into her own hands and literally turns the tables on the men. The one thing that wasn’t quite clear was whether or not the women were robots are not. At one point the procedure is explained-that computer chips are inserted into their brains so they have certain behaviors-yet in another few scenes we see one woman with sparks coming out of her mouth and another who has the ability to dispense cash, like an ATM. Kidman even finds a double of herself, partially constructed. So, are they robots or not? That was really the only thing that bugged me-this inconsistency. Also, it would have been cool if they had a cameo by Katherine Ross, who was the star of the original. Otherwise, if you’ve enjoyed movies like Meet the Applegates or Killer Klowns from Outer Space, then you should enjoy this comedic horror movie.

Steve Nile’s Remains (2011)

On World Peace Day the plan is to make all nuclear bombs obsolete by setting off an experimental pulse. But this inadvertently turns everyone into burn scarred, yellow-eyed zombies. The only humans not transformed are those protected from the blast. This includes several people who work in a casino in Reno. Two of them are a sort-of-couple, who are always fighting, and there’s a gay guy. They are soon joined by a television personality who had willingly sacrificed another to escape the flesh-eating hordes. Eventually a group of army guys show up (don’t they always), led by Ramsey (Lance Reddick of Fringe), and begin to take over.

This zombie movie offers absolutely nothing new to the overused zombie genre. There are elements of everything from Night of the Comet (with people turned to zombies overnight) to Romero’s Land of the Dead (using fireworks as a distraction) and back again to Day of the Dead (with zombies figuring things out and becoming more intelligent). Watching this nearly turned me into a bleary-eyed zombie! Not recommended.

Still Small Voices (2007)

A 911 operator (Catherine Bell) returns to work after losing her kid in childbirth. However, she gets a call from a six year old child and tells the fire station the address—but there is no such address. In fact, when she’s confronted by her manager he tells her there was no such call ever received. He tells her to go home. She’s been getting headaches lately and nosebleeds and the doctor assures her it’s just stress and assures her there’s nothing at all to worry about. But when she looks at her patient’s MRI the next day she sees something disturbing. Is it a brain tumor. So is she crazy? Or is the brain tumor giving her psychic abilities to communicate with the dead? Do we care? This has the feel of a Lifetime movie, which it is, and mines ideas that have been done to death before, from The Dead Zone to Ghost Whisperer.

Stink of Flesh, The (2004)

The Stink of Flesh may be one of the most original zombie movies I’ve ever seen, up there with Shatter Dead and I, Zombie. The tag-line for the movie is ‘How do you lead an alternative lifestyle when everybody’s dead?’ The setting is the desert of New Mexico rather than Pittsburgh, and the majority of the zombie scenes happen in bright daylight. A guy named Matool (Kurly Tiapoyawa) survives in this zombie wasteland by killing the walking-dead with his hammer and nine-inch nails. He explains in the movie that the reason he doesn’t use a gun is because it’s hard to find the ammo. Because he kills them this way he has to get up close and fight them hand to hand, something that you can see he enjoys. He first rescues a young woman trapped in her car by zombies and takes her to a nearby building, which is already inhabited by an old guy and two boys. Matool starts hitting on the girl but she’s still in shock from the zombies eating her brother-and so outrightly rejects him. He’s a bit pissed because he figures that she owes him for saving her life. A group of zombies end up attacking the building and Matool escapes, though most of the others are eaten. A pickup truck drives by and smashes him with an open door. When Matool wakes up he finds himself in the back of the pickup truck, tied up like a turkey. He’s taken into the nearby house by a guy named Nathan, who introduces him to his wife, Dexy. This is one odd couple. Dexy and Nathan had agreed to have an ‘open-marriage’ and this involves Nathan finding guys for his wife to have sex with. But with the zombie plague going on and all it’s somewhat difficult to find living people to maintain their alternative lifestyle. Oh, Dexy also has a sister, Sassy, who participates, a sister who has this deformed conjoined twin sticking out of her torso. It scares the crap out of Matool the first time he sees it. Matool agrees to stay, all too happy to accommodate Dexy’s needs. Then, other people arrive at the house, three soldiers. One of them is badly bitten by one of the zombies-and everyone knows what his fate will be. The two soldiers are welcomed in by Dexy. Nathan, however, is getting jealous about guys being with his wife. One day Nathan takes Matool into the back shed, where he keeps a chained up female zombie he likes to look at. Her body is still in good-shape, though she’s all gray and snarls. As the movie progresses events become more complicated-and some of the characters turn on each other as the place is overrun by the undead. The zombie and makeup effects are well-done, especially when Matool is shown driving nails into the zombies’ skulls. The characters are all very well fleshed-out and the script is solid. I also liked the explanation of why there are both the slow zombies and the ‘hyper’ zombies. Written/Directed by Scott Phillips (scripter of Drive).

Stir of Echoes 2: The Homecoming (2007)

Rob Lowe (Salem’s Lot) portrays an Army Reservist who returns home from Iraq after witnessing a terrible tragedy. His unit killed a van-load of Iraqi kids and teenagers who failed to stop at a check point - and he blames himself for their deaths. But once he returns home he’s plagued by nightmares of the burning girl - and also has visions of another Arabic person, someone he’s never seen before. This particular ghost will not leave him alone until he solves his death and gets justice, though in the process it may drive him insane. This ‘Sequel’ in name only is darker in tone than the original and is far more gruesome. I also thought it was interesting that none of the characters in this film are particularly likable until something REALLY bad happens to them, at which point they become more human. I can see Stir of Echoes as a decent new franchise, about people who suddenly become aware of this ‘ghost world’ about them. With shows like Supernatural and Medium why not even make a weekly TV series?

Stop Me Before I Kill (1960)

This begins with a car accident with a race car driver, Alan Colby (Ronald Lewis of Mr. Sardonicus), and his new bride. Months later, when he’s out of the hospital, he and his wife go on vacation since they never had their honeymoon. But he’s really high strung and is becoming more paranoid. He’s always sweating, shaking, and is aggressive towards others. He has issues. His wife talks to a psychiatrist who is also on vacation and he encourages her to talk, while giving her a cigarette and a drink. Alan is afraid he’s going to strangle his wife—and at one point he almost does and she has the bruises to prove it. It’s a compulsion that comes over him. He and his wife return to London, hoping things will be better, but he’s emotionally all over the place, happy one minute, angry the next. Is he bipolar? With the urging of his wife he goes to see that same psychiatrist who is now in London. He manages to relive the accident and sees the reason why he wanted to kill his wife. Now, he feels like he’s cured. But the next day he has overslept and his wife is gone, though there is blood in the apartment. He thinks that he has strangled and dismembered her during his blackout...

Also Known As The Full Treatment.

Stranded (2003)

This is one of those stranded-on-Mars movies, about five years too late. Here, a group of seven astronauts make it to Mars, only to have their ship crash-land because of the weird magnetic field. There’s a lot of talk of what they are going to do, what they aren’t going to do, et cetera. Finally, three of them decide to venture outside and explore, not wanting to slowly wait and die. They discover the remnants of an ancient Martian civilization-and also a way for them to stay alive on the planet. The first hour of the movie has the air of ‘I’m an Independent movie’, with all those pretensions. It doesn’t become interesting until they discover the ruined city.

Strange (2003)

The British series revolves around ex-priest John Strange (Richard Coyle), who still lives near the Church where he served. The guy looks like the lead of David Lynch’s Eraserhead. He’s basically secluded himself in an old building and investigates supernatural goings-on. It all ties back to an incident in which some people died, including his girlfriend. He’s assisted by a computer nerd, Toby (Andrew Lee Potts of Primeval) and Kevin, a man with Down-Syndrome, who also has psychic abilities. Strange’s former boss, Canon Black, is an ass who may be tied up with the evil, though he continually disputes the existence of demons. When a cleric dies under mysterious circumstance the group investigates. They get the assistance of Nurse Jude Atkins, who is working at the hospital at the time. She does not believe in devils, either, but soon changes her mind when it’s revealed that her live-in boyfriend Rich is a demon. This means that her young son, Joey, may be an heir to evil. In subsequence episodes they investigate the rapid aging of some victims, which has to do with a succubus type demon called a Zoxim. Then, there’s a Japanese demon that’s using victims’ body parts to recreate its master. There’s even a Banshee story and one about an incubus. The weirdest one, however, deals with the Dubik, which is this giant evil-looking tree that resembles the monster from From Hell It Came. The six episodes of this show is interesting, though I found it somewhat flat.

Strange Case of Dr. Jeckyll & Mr Hyde, The (1968)

This is one of the best movie adaptations of Robert Louis Stevenson’s classic novel. Here, Jack Palance portrays Dr. Jeckyll, who comes up with a chemical formula to release all the repressed desires he has. Actually, the Hyde character is at first more appealing than the uptight Doctor-but this changes as he becomes more aggressive and starts killing people around town. And the makeup by Dick Smith is fantastic-he makes Palance unrecognizable when he transforms into another human being (not a werewolf monster as depicted in some movies). The most interesting thing about this Dan Curtis (Dark Shadows) production is that it was shot on video, in color, in 1968-and it looks very good, considering how limiting those cameras were at the time. Hey, making movies on video is not a recent phenomenon!

Strange Case of Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde, The (2008)

This is better than the recent made-for-Tv movie starring Dougray Scott because it’s simply more interesting. In order to cure his heart ailment, Dr. Jeckyll develops nanotechnology that has the side-effect of transforming him into the brutish looking Mr. Hyde. As he can’t always control the transformations, he’s hired Hyde as a lab assistant, so his being there wouldn’t be suspicious. The make-up for Hyde is similar to that of Hyde from the 30’s Fredric March movie version, which is cool.

Although Tracy Scoggins (Babylon 5) is a bit too old for the police detective, she can act, and lot of the credit goes to Tony Todd as Dr. Jeckyll. He makes this movie. There’s also a surprise at the end that reveals a third persona/creature, a nod to Poe’s Murders in the Rue Morgue. I also think it’s only the second time that Dr. Jeckyll has been portrayed by an African-American, the first by Bernie Casey in Dr Black & Mr. Hyde from the 70’s. I would love to see Tony Todd in a Blacula remake.....

Strange New World  (1975)

Aboard the space station PAX, three scientists are conducting experiments in suspended animation. They are Captain Anthony Vico (John Saxon), Dr. Allison CRowley, and Dr. William Scott (Keene Curtis). When the people down on earth find out that a storm of asteroids are going to bombard the earth they extend the suspended animation to 180 years and send the station orbiting the sun. When they wake up they get their instructions, which is to find the PAX facility on earth, where their loved ones and other scientists are also in a deep sleep. They are supposed to wake them when they find them.

They land and travel in a land rover that sort of looks like the vehicle from Ark II or Damnation Alley. They seem to be getting a signal from Pax but are knocked out. When they awaken they find themselves in the city of Eterna. It turns out that the leader has been waiting for one of the scientists and explains that they’ve managed to survive by cloning themselves, though he himself is the original—and is losing his mind to senility. The leader wants the one scientist to take over—but when he wants to drain the blood out of the other two, in hopes of building the failed immunity of the clones, they manage to escape with the help of one of them, Tana (Martine Beswicke). However, the city’s biological defenses are compromised and everyone dies from the disease contaminated air.

Then, the story goes to ten months later and they are driving across a barren desert. They are almost out of water so it’s fortunate they find a jungle covered valley. This used to be the site of an old zoo and the descendants of the park keepers live in harmony with the animals, like the lions and tigers. However, there is a tribe that lives on the outskirts of the jungle and they are at war with these people, who won’t let them have water. Allison is captured by the forest tribe after she sets a trapped antelope free from the poacher’s trap. They think it was here trap and are going to brand her as a poacher. Meanwhile, Vico and Scott come across the poacher tribe and get them to help them track the girl. Vico has to promise the leader, Badger, that he’ll give him his flare gun after they find her. They finally do find her but by then Badger has stolen the flare gun and attacks the forest people. So it’s up to Vico to try and avert a war.

This was the third pilot made from Gene Roddenberry’s initial idea, the first being Genesis II (1973) and then Planet Earth (1974), though Roddenberry wasn’t involved with this movie. However, it’s still a good flick and holds up well over time.

Strange Possession of Mrs. Oliver, The  (1978)

In this movie Karen Black (Children of the Night, Trilogy of Terror) finds her personality beginning to change—she buys different clothes, has different interests—she even purchases a house whose previous owner looked exactly like her. Coincidence? Is she reincarnated or being possessed? Or is she simply going insane? Or, more terrifying yet, could it be she’s really...twins? Double your fun.

Strange Things Happen At Sundown (2003)

Just when you think you’ve seen every sort of vampire scenario along comes this movie, which has everything from vampire gangsters to Dracula (aka The Reaper) as a hitman. The main story revolves around a hundred thousand dollars which is ripped off from Jimmy Fangs and his gang by this vampire named Marcel. Marcel and his girlfriend Amy are on the run for another crime as well. Well, this doesn’t sit too well with Jimmy Fangs so he hires ‘The Reaper’ to hunt them down. Turns out that this guy is really Dracula. And he is one mean vampire. There is also a lone vampire woman who is intent on killing Marcel as well, for revenge, since he had changed her into a vamp a year before. There are massive amounts of bitings, people screaming, intestines and organs ripped out, more people screaming, fountains of blood-and yes, yet more people screaming as they are eaten. If you’re looking for gore shop no more. This is the best vampire movie I’ve seen this past year since Sleepless Nights.

Strangeness, The (1985)

A couple is exploring the entrance to a mine. The guy goes in first and sees a wooden cross imbedded in some rocks, blocking his path. He pulls it out and causes some rocks to fall. But this awakens something, though we only hear it at this point. It gets both of them.

Then we go to a group of people who are going to explore this old gold mine and around a campfire talk about the legend, how there’s supposed to be someTHING living in there and that’s why they stopped mining. After a dozen disappearances the miners quit. The person paying for the expedition works for a mining company and he wants to make sure there’s enough remaining gold to make it worthwhile for them to reopen the mine. He’s a douche-bag and becomes more paranoid as the movie progresses, endangering the others’ lives. The first victim is one of the women and we briefly see the monster, which is rendered in stop-motion-animation. The others find her dissolved body and think she stumbled upon an old pool of acid, which the miners used to help dissolve the rock. It’s really the creatures digestive juices, which another soon finds out. There’s a near-cave in in one of the tunnels, lots of panicking and a strange underground wind. Soon it’s down to just several survivors and they have a very hungry subterranean creature after them.

This is a fun, old-fashioned monster movie. While the acting is just so-so, it’s shot and lit very well and you get a feeling of claustrophobia as the movie progresses. It’s somewhat similar to The Boogens though it has more of the acting talent and stop motion animation of The Crater Lake Monster. I must say that it does have an original looking monster, like a cross between Cthulhu and a vagina. Recommended.

Stranger, The (1973)

In what seems like an extended Twilight Zone episode, an astronaut (Glenn Corbett) wakes up in a 1984-like society that turns out to be another world. It’s exactly like Earth but there are three moons. He’s pursued by an agent (Cameron Mitchell) who works for the government, The Perfect Order. Dissidents are killed or brainwashed at one of their facilities. This tv pilot is very grim, probably why it was never picked up as a series.

Stranger in Our House (1979)

This early Wes Craven directed made-for-tv movie features Linda Blair as a young woman named Rachel. Her cousin Julia (Lee Purcell) comes to live with her family after her parents are killed in a car wreck. Soon, Julia, who starts off as a wallflower, starts enchanting all the other family members while making Rachel’s life hell. This includes stealing her boyfriend and killing her pet horse. And she does this by witchcraft. Rachel suspects something supernatural is about when she finds strange trinkets around the house and consults the local expert on lore and superstitions, a professor who ends up coincidently having a heart attack. Julia finds out that Rachel isn’t her cousin after all but an impostor and a witch, who is coming into her full powers. Although they think they kill her she ends up in a different place and with a different persona at the end of the movie.

This isn’t a bad movie and it’s always good to see Linda Blair in a movie.

Released on DVD as Summer of Fear.

Strangers, The (2008)

A young couple, James Hoyt (Scott Speedman) and Kristen McCay (Liv Tyler) go to a secluded house in the woods after they attend a wedding reception. However, things don’t go as James planned, as he asked her to marry him and she said no. Now, they are together, uncomfortable and sad. Then a girl comes to the door at 4 am asking for some other person, which they think is a little weird, but then forget about it. When James goes out for a drive the three Strangers start harassing Kristen by pounding on the door— and moving stuff around in the house. This freaks her out, understandably. Then, when James gets back they destroy his car and things escalate....in a predictable manner.

The Strangers reminds me a lot of Last House on the Left and about a zillion other movies. There are no scares, no jumps and I didn’t find it particularly suspenseful. The only reason I was squirming in my seat was not to fall asleep. The Strangers is a big disappointment.

Strawberry Estates (2000)

A Syracuse University college professor leads an expedition of students, including one with a camera, into the haunted Smith Garrett Building, which purportedly is haunted by all the insane patients who died there when it was an insane asylum. Their goal is go find out if the place really is haunted. One of the women, looking remarkably like actress Debbie Rochon, is a professional psychic, the cameraman a jaded post-teenager who’s on the verge of resembling an aids victim, and the professor is THE stereotype of professors, complete with cardigan sweater. Although there are some creepy moments, such as when they are talking on the walkie talkies and they are talking about what they see-and the part with the glowing eyes-the actors simply couldn’t pull this off, all too self conscious of the video camera pointed in their faces. But the mock-documentary, told entirely from the camera’s point of view, is a really original idea if you haven’t seen Blair Witch or The Last Broadcast or a dozen other movies. But they say the director of Strawberry Estates thought of it first, before any of these other movies. Big whoopee deal.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009)

There are some good fight scenes and it’s not a bad film... but some of the incidents are not very convincing. I guess casting a fully Chinese actress wasn’t a possibility for an American audience so they went half-way with Kristin Kreuk (I always thought she should have been called Lana Ling on Smallville). She does have a good screen presence and can carry the movie. The problem is with the script and direction. A big deal is made that she had experienced “living on the streets” of a Chinese ghetto. Yet, this entire sequence doesn’t seem dire enough....she already knows all the kung fu moves so she’s really in no danger. She just has dirt smudged on her face to show the hardship. Of course, she manages to get revenge on her father’s killer and there’s a happy, trite ending.

Neal McDonough (Tin Man, Star Trek: First Contact) is great as the villain Bison. Chris Klein (Rollerball) is horribly miscast as this government agent who is interested in her. I was mostly bored while watching Chun-Li, so I can’t recommend it except as an aid for sleeplessness.

Street Tales of Terror (2005)

This takes a half-hour to get into the movie, but once there it’s an entertaining little independent anthology of horror. Three thugs named J. Dog, Keith and Peaches start terrorizing an old homeless man after he witnesses them making a kill. The man pleads for his life-and tells them ‘true’ supernatural stories to stall for time. In the first story, The Reckoning, a young African American girl named Jessica is left to drown on dry land after her classmates drag her out of a swimming pool. They abandon her there because they hear her heart still beating-and figure someone else will find her in time. No one does. The movie then skips to twenty-years later, when the three friends are met by an extremely vengeful ghost. Does the dead girl’s mother have anything to do with this?In the second story, The Clinic, a woman named Shawanda goes for a second abortion and is haunted by the images of a young boy covered in blood. This is presumably the ghost of the kid from her previous abortion. She has vivid nightmares of the doctor and nurse removing her guts. When she awakens she decides to not have the abortion. This was a bit too preachy and heavy-handed. In Graduation Night an introverted college girl is raped, becomes pregnant and then commits suicide. Her ghost comes back to have vengeance on those responsible. The three stories fit in the common theme of an African-American women becoming or encountering spirits. Although the production value of the movie is low, the performances and pace of the editing make it an easy watch. Directed by J.D. Hawkins and Corey Shields.

Subhuman (2005)

An excellent, fast paced horror movie about a species of parasite that has mimicked human form in order to more easily prey on humans. They look exactly the same as us, even bleed the same when they are decapitated-but have this strange lamprey-like appendage that comes out of their mouths to suck the victim’s blood (reminded me of the vampires in the Tv movie Daughter of Darkness, with Mia Sara and Anthony Perkins).The biggest strength of the movie is William MacDonald as the jaded hunter who tracks and kills these creatures. There’s this sequence in which he’s at a bar drinking, then leaves, kills some monsters, and then returns to his same seat at the bar. He knows he’s on borrowed time so he indulges in every vice he can, at the same time spouting his own brand of philosophy. He’s what the vampire killers in John Carpenter’s Vampires should have been. fter he’s almost killed by the subhumans he’s picked up by a young couple. He tells them he doesn’t want to go to a hospital so they take him back to his apartment. When the guy goes through his belongings he finds bags of pills-and comes to the conclusion that this strange man is really just a junky. But he needs this special assortment of pills to recuperate within a few days, so he explains the situation about their life now being in danger (which is true), and has them refill all his prescriptions. He tells them that the monsters will now be after them, so he starts to train them to protect themselves. But things start going bad when the woman is bitten...Although not a vampire movie per se, Subhuman is a refreshing look at this type of creature. It is a highly entertaining movie.

Subject Two (2006)

This modern re-telling of the Mary Shelley novel, Frankenstein, is one of the better Frankenstein movies I’ve seen, up there with Frankenstein: The True Story (1974).

A medical student agrees to meet the mysterious person he has been communicating with via email and ends up in the secluded mountains in Colorado. There, he meets Dr. Frank, who is doing “re-animation” experiments with a special serum in conjunction with the cold weather. And this student soon becomes the second test subject (hence the title of the movie) after the Dr. kills him. But when he is brought back to life his senses are increased and he can feel everything ten-fold, which has its disadvantages. He’s repeatedly killed and brought back to life, while the crazy looking doctor (the actor resembles Jack Nicholson) tries to remedy what he feels are the bad side effects of the drug. The movie is very low-key but sticks with you long after you’ve watched it. Highly recommended.

Subsitute, The (2008)

There are some good production values and some weird special effects of a many-tentacled, bulbous eyes alien, but the movie sucks big time. The premise is that a meteor (not another one!) crashes and takes over the body of a chicken farmer’s wife, who is also a substitute teacher. The one thing these aliens don’t have on their home planet is “love”, so the teacher psychologically abuses her students in search of this. ???? It vaguely has the weirdness of a Roald Dahl story. However, the bad dubbing and stilted dialogue really brings scenes to a halt. If you’re thinking of renting this I’d strongly recommend substituting another movie.

Subterano (2002)

In the not so distant future eleven people are trapped in a huge car park while these deadly toys kills them one by one. What they are experiencing is a real life version of a computer game called Subterano, which is being controlled from afar by a mysterious person garbed in a virtual reality suit. We don’t find out who this person is until the end of the movie. The car park setting gets a bit redundant at times, though some of the killings are gruesome. One guy gets his feet cut off-then falls to the ground and tries to crawl away on the stumps. He’s killed when the same machine rams a spike into his eye. Another is pierced by projectiles. One boy, excited that he’s playing Subterano, literally loses his head. Also, this was shot in Australia as everyone has the Ausie accents and the driver’s seat is on the wrong side of the car.

Succubus: Hell Bent (2007)

Two spoiled rich kids, who have yachts and jet planes, take off for Spring Break and bed as many women as possible. One of them hooks up with Lilith, though, and she turns out to be a succubus. When he returns to Los Angeles she follows him and thoroughly messes up his life by killing his girlfriend and then his best friend.

I kept on asking myself why such a powerful demon (she’s the first wife of Adam and according to the myth is the one responsible for giving birth to demons) wastes so much time with this loser, who remains sympathetic throughout the entire film. Also, the actresses who portrays her, while dark and threatening looking, really isn’t that hot compared to the other chicks in the movie.

Suck (2009)

A struggling Canadian rock band, The Winners, is in Montreal when one of their lead singers, Jennifer, goes off with a creepy looking guy who happens to be a vampire. This is one of the creepiest vampires depicted in the past decade! The other singer, Joey, doesn’t like this since he still has a thing for her. But when she doesn’t show up at their van the next day they take off to Toronto without her. When she shows up there, on her own, she looks different. She is now a vampire. When they catch her feeding, such as sucking the blood out of a detached arm, she exclaims “It’s not what it looks like!”, which is a running gag throughout the film. One by one she turns the other members of the band into vampires. The funniest is the roadie, Hugo, who is sort of the reluctant Renfield character. He reluctantly cleans up Jennifer’s feeding messes with hopes of being changed into a vampire but she never does it.

There’s also Van Helsing (Malcolm McDowell), who is after the vampire Queen. There’s a flashback in which we learn his girlfriend singer was bitten by the same vampire who transformed Jennifer. What’s cool about the flashback is that they use footage from an early McDowell film, so we seem him 40 years younger. The footage edits seamlessly in the flashback. The music is great, there are good production values and the characters very entertaining. Suck, this movie does not. It’s Queen of the Damned crossed with the 60’s television show, The Monkees.

Suicide Club (2002)

This is has one of the most unsettling intros I’ve seen in quite a while- On a subway platform, as the train speeds into the station, a group of over 50 high school girls join hands and jump onto the tracks. Blood sprays all over the place and we’re shown some of the bodies being run over. Damn! The police investigate but can’t come up with a good reason why so many people would commit suicide together. Then, another group of people kill themselves and then another. It’s somehow connected with a ‘pop’ group of twelve-year-old girls, who sing these candy-coated songs about death and killing yourself.At one point a crazy blonde guy, who looks like a glam rock star from the 80’s, claims to be the head of the ‘Suicide Club’ but after he’s captured the deaths continue.The movie is unpredictable, horrific and some of the main characters meet an untimely demise. What more can you ask for in a horror film? Aka Suicide Circle.

Sunshine (2007)

Directed by Danny Boyle, Sunshine features the star of his 28 Days Later (Cilliam Murphy) and the star of 28 Weeks Later (Rose Byrne). It’s an ironic title, as the movie is anything but cheery. The premise is that a second spaceship is sent to re-energize the sun, which has become dimmer. If they don’t succeed where the first ship failed, Earth will become frozen and everyone on the planet will die. On the way there they have internal conflict, some mechanical mishaps and an abortive rescue attempt which complicates their dire situation. Sunshine is an extremely engrossing movie, along the lines of Silent Running meets Event Horizon.

Super (2010)

Frank (Rainn Wilson) is an average Joe who works at a diner. When his wife Libby (Liv Tyler) leaves him he’s understandably upset, so he goes to the police and reports it. They can’t help him because she left him of her own free will. He simply doesn’t understand this. So he decides to take things into his own hands to get her back, which culminates in him assuming the superhero persona of The Crimson Bolt. What prompts him to do this is a horrible Christian TV show called The Holy Avenger. In these TV clips director James Gunn portrays a tongue wagging Satan. which is utterly hilarious.

Frank believes that his hallucinations are real and God is telling him what to do. Since he doesn’t have any super powers he uses a big wrench to literally clobber people. Many local drug dealers are put into the hospital, though he also beats someone who cuts in line at a movie theater. No bad-doer is safe! Along the way he picks up a sidekick, Bolty (a hilarious Ellen Page), who takes this all too seriously and even wants to kill people without a second thought. She’s also sexually interested in The Crimson Bolt but Frank keeps on putting her off since he’s still married and in love with his wife.

In the end there’s a big showdown with the villain, Jacques (Kevin Bacon), the drug dealer who has Libby. In a series of flashbacks we see that Libby was a drug addict going to meetings and had met Frank when she was not using. Frank comes prepared, though, to take down Jacque’s henchmen with everything from pipe bombs to projectile daggers. He even makes up a pair of Wolverine-like claws for Bolty.

Super is one of the best “realistic Superhero” movies out there. I liked it far more than I enjoyed the movie of Kick-Ass, primarily because there’s much more heart to it.

Super 8 (2011)

This latest genre movie from writer/director J.J. Abrams is sort of the flip-side of E.T. In the summer of 1979 a group of friends, are out making a super-8 zombie films for a contest. Joe Lamb is the main kid and he’s doing the makeup effects. While they are shooting at an old train station they witness it crash into a pickup truck that cuts if off at the tracks. The train derails and almost kills them. Then, someTHING emerges from the train, which is captured on a reel of film.

In their town dogs begin running away, as if afraid of something, and the army moves in, though they won’t say what they are looking for. This doesn’t sit right with Jackson Lamb, Joe’s father, who is a deputy. He asks questions and investigates and they hold him captive. The army even sets the nearby Ohio woods on fire to evacuate all the people while they search for the alien. It’s revealed that the creature was captured in the 1950’s and was horribly mistreated and tortured. It learned to be a killer. The only thing it wants is to return into space. While all this is happening people are also disappearing, including Alice, who Joe has a crush on. When they go to rescue her they discover the alien is creating its spaceship out of pieces of our technology—and that it has been feeding on the captive people. They rescue Alice just in time.

While I enjoyed Super 8 and it pushed all the right buttons, it’s simply meaner version of E.T, as these kids try to help an alien return to space and the alien isn’t all so friendly. In fact, there’s a resemblance between the multi-limbed alien here and the aliens in the Spielberg produced Falling Skies, which is probably no surprise.

Super Shark (2011)

Another “spoofy” giant mutant killer shark movie that features actor John Schneider (Smallville) as the owner of an oil company. He doesn’t do much other than show his face and talk to news crews. Meanwhile, much of the story revolves around a female biologist who wants to figure out what’s going on. The oil platform drill releases a monster, prehistoric shark, which sinks the structure and then proceeds to eat humans.

There’s not a lot of difference between this and the hundred-or-so other killer shark movies other than that it’s far better than any Asylum produced giant animal flick. But is that saying much?  Directed by Fred Olen Ray.

Supergator (2008)

A vulcanologist (Brad Johnson of Copperhead, Always, Philadelphia Experiment II) goes to Hawaii with a grad student to see if a volcano is going to erupt soon. But there’s also this problem with a cloned prehistoric alligator that has escaped its reserve. Kelly McGillis (Top Gun, Stake Land) is the scientist tracking it down. The computer effects of the monster are laughable but this is contrasted with the closeups of people getting bloodily chewed by the creature, which is intense, particularly for broadcast on Sci-Fi Channel.

Superhero Movie (2008)

This is an entertaining spoof of the Sam Raimi Spiderman movies, along the lines of the Scary Movie series. Teenager Rick Riker is bitten by a radioactive dragonfly and gets most of all those powers, except for, well, flight. The villain is a guy called Hourglass (Christopher McDonald), who sucks the life-force out people. The next-door neighbor blonde girl is the love interest. The funniest parts of the movie involve Leslie Nielsen and Marion Ross as Riker’s Aunt and Uncle. There are some definite laughs here, though the movie is surprisingly short—70 minutes! I think this is because they use all the longer takes for the “extras” on the dvd, which is dumb.

Superman Returns (2006)

I was surprised that this is a continuation of the Chris Reeves’ Superman movies, taking five years after Superman has mysteriously disappeared from Metropolis. It turns out that he went back to Krypton, the planet of his birth-only to find it a graveyard, with no answers. He comes back to find that the world has managed pretty good without him-and Lois Lane (an underwhelming Kate Bosworth) giving him the cold shoulder. In fact, she’s living with the nephew (James Marsden of X-Men)of Perry White, Editor of the Daily Planet. And she has a four year old son, who plays a significant part in the plot (I’m sure you can guess what it is).

The special effects are far improved than the previous movies and the guy who portrays Superman is well-cast, as is Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor (I think he’s a bit better than Gene Hackman was). Unfortunately, I’m not the biggest fan of Superman 3 or 4 and this part 5, although it manages not to be as campy as those previous films, is still a bit of a disappointment, as I just didn’t feel all that interested in the characters. Sure, there is an interesting plot point (that kid again) but I rather wish this Superman movie was kept separate from the others so that we didn’t have the comical villain and his woman sidekick (Parker Posey in the Valerie Perrine role) or those crystals that make up his Fortress of Solitude. Perhaps I didn’t like this movie as much because I’m a fan of Smallville— and got so accustomed to that show’s angst— that the character problems in Return paled in comparison. The movie also felt too long. Superman Returns is not that super.

Superman-Batman: Public Enemies (2009)

This is a “What if” story, in which Lex Luthor (voice of Clancy Brown) is elected President of the United States. He puts superheroes on the payroll, such as Captain Adam, Major Force, Black Lightning and Power Girl. But Superman will have nothing to do with Luthor. He believes his oldest enemy is up to something bad.

However, Superman agrees to meet Luthor to discuss the threat of a huge meteor hitting the earth. It’s all a ruse. Everything goes awry at the meeting primarily because Luthor has brought Metallo as a body guard. Superman is defeated when a piece of the kryptonite that powers Metallo gets lodged in his chest. Batman rescues him and takes him back to the BatCave via an underground sewer system. However, Luthor has videotaped that event and re-edits it to make Superman look like an insane villain. He gives a televised presidential address which shows Supes killing the robot man in cold blood. He tells the American public that the radiation from the big hunk of kryptonite that is nearing the Earth is affecting Superman and making him crazy. He places a billion dollar bounty on the Son of Krypton. Of course, every villain then goes after him. Superman and Batman want to find a way to prevent the green meteor from hitting the Earth while Luthor destroys it to destroy much of the population so he can rebuild the world in his image.

This is an interesting followup to the Superman, Batman and JLA animated series, all which featured the voice talents of Tim Daly (Superman), Kevin Conroy (Batman) and Clancy Brown (Lex Luthor). My only problem is that the running time is only 65 minutes, perhaps the shortest of these animated features.

Superman-Batman: Apocalypse (2010)

Batman breaks up a meteor that was going to crash into Gotham City and one of the chunks is carrying a spaceship that contains a blonde teenaged girl. She speaks an alien language, is super strong and shoots red lasers from her eyes. Batman manages to subdue her with a chunk of green Kryptonite. When Superman appears he recognizes her language and says that she is his cousin, Kara. She stays with Batman for a while and learns English, though she wants to be a human girl. Clark Kent takes her shopping. Then, Wonder Woman and other members of the Justice League show up and tell them that she’s a threat and that she needs better training. So Wonder Woman takes her back to Paradise Island. But Darkseid of Apokolips wants this “SuperGirl” as a new warrior and so has her kidnapped by Granny Goodness. There are some casualties. Superman and Batman (voices of Tim Daly & Kevin Conroy) get the help of Big Barda, who had defected to Earth years ago. She leads them back to Apokolips and a confrontation with Darkseid and the corrupted Super Girl.

I have about the same reaction to this as I have the last few DC Comics Animated features. It’ just “okay”. The one amusing thing, though, is that Ed Asner does the voice of Granny Goodness. That made me laugh every time she talked.

Superman: Doomsday (2007)

This is a loose adaptation of The Death & Life of Superman, condensed and (over)simplified. It’s interesting but not quite up to the quality of recent DC adaptations, like Justice League: New Frontier. Anne Heche is the voice of Lois Lane, James Marsters (he’s Braniac on Smallville) is the voice of Lex Luthor and Ray Wise (the devil on Reaper) is the voice of Daily Planet Editor Perry White.

Superman vs. The Elite (2012)

The opening action scene is Superman in a drag-out fight with the Atomic Skull, who kills people by sucking out their energy and turning them to dust. The creepy villain is defeated by Supes, imprisoned and his power siphoned off to help power the city.  Then, a new superhero group makes itself known. The leader is Manchester Black, who can move objects with a force from his eyes, Coldcast, who is incredibly strong, Menagerie, a gargoyle-like woman who can call forth slimy creatures from her body, and The Hat, a magician with real conjuring powers. At first they seem to want to help Superman and even assist him when war breaks out with these biologically created monsters in the small country of Bialya. However, they don’t share Superman’s idealism with keeping human life sacred and offer a permanent solution to dealing with evildoers—death. As The Elite become well known Superman’s popularity wains because public opinion supports them. A confrontation culminates with a battle on the moon—when Superman seems to snap and go for their blood. This PG-13 animated movie is intense and it’s not that often you see a truly pissed off Superman. Recommended.

Supernova (2005)

This Hallmark Television movie is not to be confused with the similar titled, superior space movie from the late 90’s (with James Spader and Angela Bassett). In this particular film, Peter Fonda portrays a scientist who comes to the conclusion that the Earth’s sun is much older than previously believed-and that it will soon expand in size to encompass the entire solar system and, as the characters repeatedly say “kill off all life as we know it”. After he emails this information to his colleagues he disappears from radar and spends the rest of the movie talking to a female barkeep and drinking cocktails on a beach. A group of government agents, unlikely led by Tia Carrerre, take Luke Perry (one of the scientists) into custody to find out what’s going on. No one, of course, wants to think that the end of the world is coming. There’s also a dumb subplot about an escaped serial killer who is after Perry’s wife-and the last twenty minutes of the movie deals with this, rather than ending when it should have (meaning, the three hour movie is over an hour too long). Supernova is a much lacking end of the world movie.

Surface  (2005)

Whatever happened to title sequences? Ever since Lost, every Supernatural or sci-fi show this season is purposely lacking them. I guess they save on theme songs... Anyways, Surface is perhaps the oddest of 2005’s new sci-fi/horror series, about giant dragon like creatures that are suddenly appearing around the world, causing environmental changes. They come from deep within the earth, activating volcanoes and increasing the temperature of the oceans, worldwide. There’s a scuba diver, Rich Connelly, who loses his brother to one of the creatures, an obsessed scientist, Laura Daughtery (Lake Bell) who wants to prove the existence of these creatures to the world, and a kid, Miles, who keeps a newly hatched dragon as a pet named Nimrod. When Nim eats the dog of one of his sister’s friends he can’t keep it a secret. The creature runs away—and he goes searching for it. He thinks he has found him but it’s a wild bunch of hatchlings—and he’s bitten. This begins to transform him and he begins exhibiting some of their abilities, such as when he electrocutes a school bully. And he can communicate with them.

There’s a bearded scientist, Aleksander Cirko  working with the government, who wants to find out where these creatures come from. A dead carcass washes up off the East Coast and they cover it up as a whale death and close the beach. One of the scientists is injured, his face damaged, and near death, but a substance secreted by the creature’s skin saves him and he makes a full recovery. This substance is what protects them from the extreme temperatures beneath the Earth. And it’s not only oceans that are affected—sinkholes are appearing in inland lakes.

Eventually, the paths of all these characters cross and we get a better understanding of what these creatures are and why they are radically affecting the environment. The show ends with a large part of the East Coast flooded under fifty feet of water, with dragons moving inland. Unfortunately this was never renewed for a second season.

Surrogates (2009)

The premise of this movie is interesting but after half an hour I had seen enough and felt like I was just waiting for the movie to be over the last hour. It’s fifteen years in the future and humanity has readily accepted the use of robots to experience their lives through. In the safety of their homes they hook up to a device that links their mind to the surrogates, so they can feel everything without the danger of having to go outside.

Bruce Willis portrays a cop who is on a case involving someone who is killed when their surrogate is killed. Because of the safeguards built into the devices, this has never happened before—and the police station wants to keep on a lid on it or else people will begin to panic. Willis’ investigation leads him to a reservation where humans have chosen to live without the technology—and tracks down the man responsible for the murder. He’s using this small device that emits an electronic pulse. It fries the surrogates and also the user at the same time. Willis’ surrogate is destroyed and the police won’t give him a replacement because he’s taken off the case. So he must do things the old fashioned way and walk around in his own skin.

The one thing I thought amusing is that every time they showed someone’s “real” appearance they made them look really bad, particularly Willis’ partner, portrayed by Radha Mitchell (Pitch Black). Yet the old age makeup looks fake, which is weird because the CGI effects are so good.

Surveillance (2009)

Jennifer Lynch’s first movie since Boxing Helena is one of 2009’s best horror movies, a psychological thriller with a slam-bang ending. It begins with a brutal killing of a couple in a motel room, then goes to two FBI agents (Bill Pullman & Julia Ormond) who are investigating a related murder. The incident is told from the perspective of three different people—a young girl, a teenager and one of the cops on the local force. They each have a bit of the puzzle. What the adults say they were doing there is different from what they were really doing—the teenager was doing drugs with her boyfriend and the cop was shooting out tires of cars driving by. However, all of their accounts of the killers match up. The one who holds the key to their identity, however, is the little girl. I love non-linear constructed movies, like Momento, and this one definitely pays off in a big way. I did not see that ending coming and it made me want to re-watch the movie.

Survival of the Dead (2009)

This is a sequel, continuation of one of the characters from Diary of the Dead, and also fits within the George Romero Zombie Universe. The first story concerns the fued between the O’Flynn’s and the Muldoons on Plum Island, which is off the coast of Delaware. Patrick O’Flynn wants to rid the island of all the zombies while Seamus Muldoon wants to protect them in the hopes that there is some type of cure. The two old coots have been enemies since before they immigrated to America. Muldoon gets the upper hand in the first scene and banishes Patrick and a few other guys to the mainland.

Then we go to the story of Sarge Crocket, the leader of the military gang that had robbed the documentary filmmakers in Diary of the Dead. The group is still stealing. One of the guys, who has an internet connection, picks up a video sent by O’Flynn, about how Plum Island is a safe haven. So they go South and find O’Flynn, who wants to sell them a boat for “everything they have”. They don’t want to do this and so try taking a nearby Ferry. O’Flynn doesn’t like this and there’s a fight, though he’s the only one on his side who stays alive. He ends up going with Sarge’s group back to the island, where they find zombies chained up and doing their familiar chores. There’s also O’Flynn’s daughter, who rides by them on a horse. Only she’s now a zombie as well.

This is an interesting movie, much more about the people than the undead, sort of like the comic The Walking Dead. The movie is also a departure in that it has a matter of fact sense of humor about it, like when Sarge shoves a flare in a zombies mouth, then proceeds to light his cigarette from its flaming head, or when we see a guy fishing, only he’s catching zombies that are walking on the bottom of the water. I enjoyed this, primarily because it continues the themes begun in Day of the Dead and Land of the Dead, with zombies beginning to think. Recommended.

Survivors: Season One  (1975)

The premise of this British series, created by Terry Nation (Doctor Who),  is that deadly biologically created disease is accidently released when a test tube breaks - and ninety-five percent of the world’s population is killed off within a matter of weeks. The first episode, The Fourth Horseman, concentrates on Abby Grant (Carolyn Seymour), a housewife who lives out in the country. She gets sick but the disease doesn’t kill her, though it does her husband. Her teenaged son is at a boarding school - and she spends the next few episodes searching to see if he’s still alive. There’s also Jenny Richards (Lucy Fleming), who flees the city and tries to find other survivors. In Genesis, the survivors start herding together. Greg Preston (Ian McCullough) is a helicopter pilot who returns home to find his wife dead, so he starts travelling around. He comes across a couple who are living in a quarry - the woman is a bitch and her husband had gotten his legs crushed when he tried to move a tractor. She wants Greg to stay with them but he chooses to leave, saying he’ll come back if he finds some medicine/painkiller for her husband. He does return, but finds her walking away from the quarry and she tells him her husband is dead. In truth, he’s still alive and screaming for her help—-and unbeknownst to Greg is left to starve to death. I thought this was a particularly nasty way to die.

In the third episode, Gone Away, conflicts among the groups of survivors start to arise. We’re introduced to a would-be-dictator who wants to either kill or chase off people who won’t join his little kingdom.

Survivors is very realistic in its depiction, holds up well considering this was made 33 years ago. IF you can ignore the lack of cell phones and all those bell-bottoms, it could very well take place today.

Survivors: Series One  (2008)

This is a remake of the British television show from the mid-70’s. It’s a much more racially diverse group, as everyone in the original series was as white as a fence post. Although many of the character’s names are the same the personalities are a bit different. What happens to Jenny is totally unexpected, considering she was a primary character in the original series. Greg Preston is black and the female doctor, Anya, is a combination of a few characters. The most interesting bunch of the group is Tom Price, a guy who was in prison for robbery and murder. While everyone is dying of the plague, he manages to escape his cage and meets up with the other survivors. And of course, there is Abby Grant, a mother who is in search of her twelve-year old son, who may have survived.

There’s a subplot about the remaining government, which is bunkered underground and sealed off from the rest of the world. They are trying to find a cure and it’s suggested that they are the ones responsible for creating the virus to begin with. It sort of acts like the flu and then makes the body’s immune system destroy itself. Only 10% of the population survives. In the third episode Greg and Tom come across a father, daughter and son who have isolated themselves since the plague and so might not be immune. The daughter sneaks out—then father won’t let her back in, as he’s terrified that she will kill them all. Abby encounters a society she aspires to, who still have electricity, the model of an “eco-village”. But what seems to be too good to be true usually is too good to be true.

Some of the story lines from the original series are combined. Garland’s War is combined with the episode about the gang of young boys living on their own. In the end Abby is captured by the government facility, who want to study her blood to make a cure, Greg is shot and possibly dying and there’s a brief scene with a boy whose backpack says “Peter”, so we know Abby’s son is indeed alive, which was never shown in the 70’s series.

As “end of the world” stories go, this continues to be a good one and I’m surprised it wasn’t “re-imagined” earlier. If you are a fan of the original you’ll definitely enjoy this, as it’s both familiar and different enough, sort of like the upgrade of Battlestar Galactica.

Survivors: Season 2 (1975)

This is some months after the end of the the first season, with Jenny very pregnant with Greg’s child. The community seems very stable until there’s a fire and many of the season one cast is killed off, including the crippled guy. They go and hook up with a nearby community run by Charles Vaughn, who is often at heads with Greg. They are both leaders and there’s not room for two leaders in the community.

There’s a trip to London, which is very post-apocalyptic, with some rat attacks, and these are my favorite episodes of the entire 3 seasons. It turns out there are about 500 survivors in London and they all live near a Stadium, in which they grow crops. They have electricity, so they have electric fences all around, to keep out the rats. However, the doctor who runs the community dies and the man who takes over is power hungry and tries to prevent our main characters from leaving. There’s also a crotchety old man, a shepperd, who basically replaces the void left by Price’s death. This is Hubert, and he causes a lot of trouble, particularly when he starts stalking one of the women in the community.

At the end of season two they find a hot air balloon and it’s occupant dead when it crashed. However, the guy’s daughter is still alive and they find her. Her and her father are from Norway, where there’s still hydro-electric plants that are working. They are looking for engineers to help them maintain the facilities—and also to get food, as the people in Norway are starving. Greg decides to go back to Norway with the woman, much to Jenny’s dismay, to help re-establish some sort of larger society.

Survivors: Series 2 (2009)

The re-imagining of the 70’s series continues into it’s second season.The premise is that a virus has wiped out 90 percent of humanity and the remaining humans have begun to band together for survival. In the finale of season one Abby, one of the main characters, is kidnapped by scientists who have isolated themselves from the virus. They need her to work on a cure since she seems to have an immunity to fight it off, since she had contracted it and survived. Greg Preston was shot in the scuffle and they rest of the group takes him away, hiding in one of the abandoned buildings of the city. The group’s doctor, Anya, manages to get the bullet out but needs supplies so they go to a nearby hospital to scrounge around for medicine. But it’s bad timing because there’s an explosion. Abby and a guy named Al get buried in the rubble and it’s a race against time to get them out. Tom, the former convict, does everything he can to rescue Anya, who he’s in love with and inadvertently saves Al and Greg in the process. Yet when Greg recovers he kicks Tom out of the group, which isn’t good, since he was their main protector. Later, they run into a trucker who sells people into slavery and must rescue a few of their members who are forced to work in a coal mine. And the virus has mutated into a deadlier form, which they find out when one of the women contract it and has to isolate herself in a house while all the others wait for her to die.

The original series was concerned with them settling down and founding communities, which I thought was interesting and realistic. In this revamped series, it’s mainly about escaping from one place or the other or searching for something, whether it be the source of the original virus or Abby finding her son, Peter. My biggest complaint is that they are trying to answer and give explanations to too many things too quickly. It also takes some of the steam out of the show when Abby is finally reunited with her son, Peter, who she thought may have survived. It all fits too neatly together.

Survivors: Season 3 (1976)

This third season is very different from season 2, which was about the establishment of a community. Here, that same group of survivors is out and about, exploring the nearby settlements of varying groups of people after their own community burns down.

Charles Vaughn and Jenny are very much the main characters here. The almost bad guy, Hubert, also plays a pivotal role, taking a much more active part in the adventures. I found it very interesting how the characters have changed from year to year. Only two episodes deal with Greg Preston, who was the main character in season two. The first is when he discovers a group of children trying to survive on their own, sort of like Lord of the Flies with a twist, and the other is when he is almost stabbed to death, only to survive and contract a deadly strain of Smallpox. But even though he’s not around his reputation has grown and Charles and Jenny use him as a sort of leader when talking about restructuring civilization.

The series ends when they make it to the Scottish Highlands, where there are the largest number of survivors, estimated at a hundred thousand people. They also get a hydro-power plant working and Jenny gets a new love-interest in the form of the engineer who repairs it. I liked the first two seasons better but this was a good way to end the series.

Suspect 0 (2004)

Ben Kingsley (Gandhi, Species) portrays a ‘remote viewer’ , a man who can view things with his mind when he’s many miles away. Aaron Eckert (Deep Core, The Dark Knight) is the FBI agent trying to track down a very active serial killer, who keeps on leaving bodies for them to find. As the investigation progresses they realize that this particular serial killer is hunting down other serial killers and letting them know about it. This turns out to be Kingsley, who was part of a clandestine government program from years before. He’s unable to shut off his psychic/paranormal abilities and ‘sees’ these horrible images constantly. He wants to feel like he’s doing something to help people by getting ridding of these killers-and also desires to end his own torment. Eckert seems to have some remote viewing capabilities as well and this is what draws Kingsley to him. I found this sci-fi/thriller interesting, as I haven’t seen many movies on this subject matter. The only problem I had was that ‘remote viewing’ is very different from precognition (knowing something is going to happen before it happens) and the filmmakers clump these two abilities together, for both of these characters. Usually, if you’re remote viewing you see things as they are happening, no beforehand. Otherwise, Suspect 0 is one of the more unique serial killer movies out there

Swamp Shark (2011)

In a small Louisiana town the local sheriff (Robert Davi) has a side business of smuggling illegal animals. This time it’s a big shark that breaks out from the tank it’s being hauled in. The beast escapes into the nearby swamp. Of course, this is happening during the town’s “Gator Fest”. Rachel McDaniel (Kristy Swanson of Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie) who owns the “Gator Shack” restaurant, sees the shark fin—and witnesses her alligators being eaten—but no one believes her. Of course, the sheriff denies her crazy sighting because he wants to cover his ass. When a person gets mangled to bits he blames her escaped gators for the killing. So Rachel, with the help of a mysterious patron named Tommy (D.B. Sweeney) go out to stop the creature from eating more people.

Although it follows the basic premise of Jaws, Piranha and Alligator, this is a better-than-average killer shark movie with likable characters, decent special effects and a sense of humor.

Swamp Thing (1982)

This is one of those movies you try to convince yourself that is better than it actually is, particularly if you’re a fan of the comic book source material. Ray Wise (Twin Peaks, Dead End, Reaper) portrays an over enthusiastic Dr. Alec Holland, who is contaminated by an experimental plant growth formula and resurrects as ‘The Swamp Thing’. Adrienne Barbeau is Cable (though this character was a man in the comic), and Louis Jourdan portrays a wimpy Anton Arcane, not at all like the malevolent character in the comic. The Swamp Thing costume is decent enough but the monster that Arcane transforms into looks like a reject from the 1978 Island of Dr. Moreau. If you haven’t seen this movie in a long time and feel like re-watching it, don’t. Your memory of it is far better. Perhaps director Wes Craven’s weakest movie.

Swamp Thing: The Series 1 & 2 (1990)

First season focuses on Tressa Kipp and her ten year old son and of course, Swamp Thing, who lives in the swamp nearby. Dr. Arcane, with a sinister British accent, does his experiments from a cave in the swamp, creating various sorts of mutants for purposes that are only his own. The biggest problem is that this first season is too kid friendly and Swamp Thing is too much in the background.

Second season does away with Tressa’s son, has a few new characters. They are Will Kipp (her brother?) and Abigail (Kari Wuhrer). In the comic she is Arcane’s neice, here she is a clone created by Dr. Woodrue. In one episode Will comments on her barcode tattoo, calling it a birthmark, she says “No, it’s a tattoo, and asks if he wants one like it. Fifteen minutes later she says a young baby has the exact same birthmark that she had (the barcode). Sloppy writing. Arcane has emerged from the swamp and works out of a warehouse and does experiments such as creating forcefields, more technological than biological inventions. In one episode he makes a duplicate of Swamp Thing and in another the two swap bodies. He also creates human looking robots and an Iris that produces a defoliant. !! Almost every episode of the second season ends with the same shot, of Swampy walking into the water, sort of like Kharis from the old Universal Mummy movies.

The Swamp Thing costume is much improved in the second season and although Kari Wuhrer is sort of endearing as Abigail, she’s so different from the comic book origins that I wondered why they even bothered to introduce her character.

Overall, if you’re a Swamp Thing fan and missed this series from the early 90’s you should just go on missing it.

Sweatshop (2009)

This independent flick is a well-crafted, brutal horror movie that makes the SAW movies look like they were produced by Disney. A group of punked-out friends break into an old warehouse and start setting up for a party, from which they’ll potentially make a lot of money. They tie into the electricity and start setting up the lights, audio and speakers. However, they have picked the wrong building and it literally ends up biting them in the ass, among other places.

On one hand the characters reminded me of the ones from Return of the Living Dead and some of the killers look like they escaped from Demons. And, of course, there’s a big nod to Leatherface with the huge, welder-helmeted slayer. However, this is a splatter movie unto itself. No explanation is given as to who/what these guys are, which succeeds in making the situation all the more creepier. No time is wasted with exposition and back story as the murders begin. The gore effects are surprisingly realistic and the best part is the tool of choice used to dispatch many of them. It’s a gruesome and horrible way to go and I’ve never seen this used in a movie before.

I was trying to figure out what the title had to do with the movie, other than that the factory they’re in may be an old clothing factory. But refreshing my memory as to the definition of the word “Sweatshop”, it makes more sense. According to Wikipedia, “ a sweatshop is a working environment with conditions that are considered to be difficult or dangerous, usually where the workers have few opportunities to address their situation. This can include exposure to hazardous situations...” Yes, this does describe the movie.

Throughout the year I see many low-budget, independent horror movies, many of which need room from improvement. Sweatshop is perfect—there’s nothing that can improve this flick, one of the best horror flicks I have seen this year. Written by Stacy Davidson & Ted Geoghegan

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007)

Tim Burton’s adaptation of the Broadway musical is a lot of fun. After fifteen years barber Benjamin Barker, now going by the name Sweeney Todd, returns to London to get revenge on those who put him in prison. He goes about this by taking up his business back at his old place, which is above Mrs. Lovett’s Meat Pies store. She recognizes who he is (and is in love with him) and agrees to help him in his diabolical plans. But Sweeney Todd goes really goes over the edge - and starts killing every client that shows up. And since meat is scarce Mrs. Lovett decides to dispose of the bodies in a unique way - she starts to make her pies out of them. What makes the movie disturbing isn’t simply the cannibalism aspect or a main character that has no redeeming qualities - it’s that this movie is foremost a musical, which is a bit incongrous. It worked for the Broadway play and it really works here, in a much more visible venue. While Sweeney is singing he’s slitting someone’s throat and blood is spraying everywhere and Burton doesn’t spare the gore. I think this is definitely the Christmas movie of 2007 and it has plenty of Holiday colors (well, at least one of them).

Swim Fan (2003)

This movie is surprisingly better than I thought it would be. A new girl moves into town and immediately targets the swim champion of that school. She manages to seduce him and before he knows it he’s having sex with her in the high school pool. Afterwards, he feels extremely guilty for cheating on his long-time girlfriend and tells the new girl he can’t see her anymore. She seems fine with this, saying that they’ll still be friends. But during the next few weeks she infiltrates his life and as he continues to reject her she gets more psychotic. She lets his girlfriend know he cheated, somehow puts steroids in his urine test before the big swim meet, which gets him disqualified, and even kills a friend of his, making it look like he did it. He’s in deep shit.The acting is good, the story quick and entertaining. If you like movies like The Crush or Fatal Attraction then you’ll enjoy Swim Fan.

Syngenor (1990)

The best part of this movie are the creatures, which are based on the monster originally seen in Bill Malone’s first movie, Scared to Death (1981). It’s definitely “Giger inspired” and there’s that Alien influence. I think the name stands for Synthetic Genetic Organism.

The plot doesn’t have a lot of logic to it— this company creates a blend of man and machine, which produces asexually every 24 hours and they don’t have any idea how to stop it, though in the end it’s easily dispatched like the Wicked Witch of the West. And as much as it’s influenced by Alien it’s equally influenced by the first Terminator movie. The creatures are cybernetic, the company that created them is called Cyberdyne and there’s even a scene where a vehicle explodes with the creature and a burnt out creature walks out of the flames to pursue them. The creature at the end, which is a combination of a Syngenor and a human woman, is appropriately disgusting and its a good payoff. The movie has a good cast. Starr Andreef is the heroine, Susan,

a Steve Guttenberg clone Mitchell Laurance is a Nick Cary, a nosey newspaper reporter and David Gale’s as villain Carter Brown performance is over-the-top, a good depiction of someone with severe bi-polar disorder. Lewis Arquette (father of half a dozen actors) and Melanie Shatner (daughter of Kirk) also have cameos.

“T” Titles

Tail Sting (2002)

Although this is kind of a cheap looking movie with goofy giant rubber scorpions, the entertaining script more than makes up for this. A group of scientists are taking a charter flight from Australia to Los Angeles. On board is their experiment-a new genetically created species of scorpion -that is dormant in sealed containers. One of those scientists, wanting to make a fortune, goes down to the baggage compartment of the plane and tries to switch the specimens into a different container. He’s caught by security and after a scuffle the security guy is killed with a ski pole through his forehead. The scorpions escape and for some not clearly defined reason grow to about four feet in length. They start stinging and killing all the passengers until only the bad guy, a woman scientist (she used to be the girlfriend of the bad guy), two of the passengers and a generic captain are alive. There’s also the queen scorpion, who’s pissed. In one scene, after the bad guy kills the security man, you can see one of the movie’s production crew standing off to the side, with white shorts and tennis shoes! Didn’t they think anyone would notice? As I said, this is a fun movie, far more entertaining than the last Boa or Spiders movie.

Take Shelter (2011)

From the “Am I crazy or not?” sub-genre of horror/thriller flicks comes this tale of a man named Curtis (Michael Shannon of Bug, Dead Birds), who keeps on getting these apocalyptic visions of a massive storm. At first he keeps them to himself, but then starts acting out. First, he gets rid of his dog because he had a dream of it viciously biting his arm, then he loses his job after he borrows construction equipment to dig a tornado shelter in his back yard. He even thinks that he may be going crazy and visits his mother, who is schizophrenic and in a mental home. She was the same age when she first started hallucinating. Things come to a head when takes his wife and daughter down into the steel lined shelter and won’t let them out after a few days. Is there really going to be a dangerous storm? Are their lives in danger and he’s foreseeing some terrible event? This movie reminded me of Frailty. Recommended.

Taken (2002)

This Steven Spielberg produced mega-series for the Sci-Fi Channel is surprisingly good, really quite epic in its scope of following three families from the 1940’s (since Roswell) to the present day. And one of those families, associated with the Military, do extremely nasty things to other people in order to obtain their goals. The effects are decent, the ships looking something like those from The Abyss, and the grey aliens are small and spiderlike, almost like stick people. There’s plenty of time to develop the characters-some are murdered or go insane-and in the end there’s a satisfying conclusion, though it is remarkably similar to the ending of the V television series, when the blonde girl, a half breed, goes back with the aliens.

Taking Lives (2004)

In 1983 two young guys meet on a bus heading out of town. They are both running away from something, though we don’t know what. One is very withdrawn, the other outgoing. When the bus breaks down they decide to buy a cheap used car-but a short time later they blow a tire. While the outgoing guy is fixing the tire the other one kicks him into the path of a passing van. The guy driving the van is killed and he finishes off the other guy, who is paralyzed and gurgling blood, with a nearby rock. Skip ahead twenty-years and we find out that the Montreal police are after the same character, who kills guys and then assumes their identity. Angelina Jolie portrays an FBI agent helping them out. Ethan Hawke is a witness to the serial killer’s recent murder and it looks like that killer is Keifer Sutherland. But things aren’t as they seem. You keep on going back and forth wondering if Hawke is indeed the killer after all-and it’s an answer you don’t get until 3/4’ of the movie. There’s a few extremely violent scenes, the foremost being a woman decapitated in an elevator by the killer. And a steamy sex scene involving Jolie and Hawke. Taking Lives was really good until the last quarter of the movie, where it veered off into this surreal, implausible ‘Hollywood’ type ending that just didn’t fit with the rest of the movie.

Tale of Two Sisters, A (2004)

Although the ‘twist’ ending seemed obvious after the first fifteen minutes of this movie, it’s still worth checking out for its sheer strangeness. Two sisters return from a stay at a mental institution to join their father and his new wife. It’s alluded to that their stay in the hospital had something to do with the death of their mother. The older sister has problems with the new wife. She thinks that she beats the younger, shyer sister, and so tries to protect her sibling. The father doesn’t have much of a reaction to anything. As the movie progresses and the older sister starts having these strange flashbacks and dreams, we’re taken on a strange journey to insanity. Because of the subtitles and slow-pacing I’d recommend renting this out only if you’re not impatient.

Tales from the Crypt: Ritual (2006)

This third Tales from the Crypt movie is actually a a remake of I Walked With A Zombie. Jennifer Grey (Ferris Bueller’s sister) portrays a doctor who has lost her license and takes a job in the Bahamas to care for a young man with a fatal illness. However, he seems to believe that his illness is caused by voodoo. The doctor befriends a young native woman who lives on the old plantation grounds-and this friend may be more than what she seems to be. As voodoo movies go this is a decent one. As a Tales from the Crypt movie it falls between the highly entertaining Demon Knight and the abysmal Bordello of Blood.

Tales from the Crypt:  Season 7 (1996)

This seventh, and last, season of Tales from the Crypt seems a bit cheaper in production value than the previous seasons. All of the stories take place in England.

The first episode, Fatal Caper, is about three rich brothers and their inheritance from their father, who dies mysteriously. Natasha Richardson is the lawyer who has a big secret. There’s a continuation of The Monkey’s Paw story with Last Respects, in which three quarreling sisters own a magic shop. Of course, one of them makes a wish she wants to undo, with disastrous results. A Slight Case of Murder turns the tables on a bestselling mystery writer who is surprised by her “biggest fan”. In Escape, a German soldier tries to escape during the war and is double-crossed. Horror in the Night has a criminal, who is double crossed during a jewelry store heist, take refuge in a familiar old hotel. There, he has bloody nightmares and comes across familiar faces he can’t place, until it’s far too late. One of my favorite episodes is Cold War, which has Ewan McGregor (Star Wars 1-3) and his girlfriend as “Bonnie & Clyde” type characters who turn out to be not-quite-human. Another is About Face, in which a sixteen-year-old girl (Anna Friel of Land of the Lost) shows up at a Reverend’s doorstep, claiming to be his daughter. However, she is a twin and the twin is pissed. The worst episode, of the season (and maybe the whole show) is an animated version of the story of The Three Pigs.

Talking to Heaven (2002)

Ted Danson, who will forever be identified with Sam from Cheers, portrays real-life psychic James Van Pragh in this biographical movie. It reminded me a bit of the recent Ghost Whisperer show, in that the ghosts come to him in order for him to help them communicate with the living. The character deals with coming to grips with having this supernatural power-and using it-and he also helps the police discover the buried corpses of children who have been killed during the past thirty years. Talking to Heaven is a pretty good ghost movie.

Tall Man, The (2012)

The trailer and artwork for this movie lead are a bit of misdirection to have you believe it’s along the lines of A Nightmare on Elm Street or even Phantasm. And it does seem that way for the first half. Jessica Biel portrays a harried nurse in a small town whose boy is abducted.  She’s frantic. There’s a local myth about The Tall Man, a shadowy figure who abducts children—and many children have been taken in the past decade. Was he taken as well? Yes, in a way, but it’s not what you’re led to believe.  Though I could see what they were trying to do the film falls apart in the last half hour. It’s all too convoluted and doesn’t make sense if you think about it for more than two minutes. It’s a tall order in plausibility.

Tamara (2005)

This movie is Carrie combined with The Craft. Tamara Riley (Jenna Dewan) is a high school wallflower picked on by the other students. She also has a crush on her teacher, who is happily married. Some of her peers learn about her infatuation and set up a cruel joke, which goes horribly awry when she’s accidently killed. But she was practicing witchcraft - and although they bury her dead body deep in the woods she walks into class the next day, looking not only alive but looking HOT. Whoever she touches goes under her control - and she meets her revenge on those responsible for her death.

The movie is predictable but it’s a fun, revenge-oriented horror movie.

Tanya’s Island (1980)

This is an odd, kind of “artsy fartsy” movie, that features a great ape costume by Rick Baker. D.D. Winters (aka Vanity) portrays an actress who is having trouble with her abusive boyfriend, Lobo. He doesn’t want her around, though no reason is given at first. Then, we’re taken to an island where she and Lobo are living. At this point I’m assuming it’s a fantasy dream, as it’s the total opposite of their behavior-and environment from the beginning of the picture. Vanity is naked quite a bit. She soon befriends a ferocious, baboon snouted ape who she names blue because of his blue eyes. Throughout the rest of the movie Lobo becomes more and more violent and animal-like, while Blue becomes gentler, more caring to her. I supposed Tanya’s Island is supposed to be some variation on Beauty and the Beast and in that regard it works. This movie is definitely worth checking out for 1) Vanity and 2) That Ape costume.

Target Earth (1998)

This is an interesting take on the alien invasion scenario—an invasion movie where you never see the aliens or any alien spacecraft. A young girl is abducted by a seeming homeless man and implanted with a strange, quarter-sized device. She’s found by a local detective and returned to her mother (Marcia Cross).An FBI man (A shaven-headed John C. McGinley) comes to the sheriff’s office to investigate the captured abductor, who they say is part of a white supremacy group bent on terrorism. Of course, this guy is working for the aliens. The detective ends up protecting the young girl and her mother from more alien controlled agents and he’s quickly framed for their murders. Fortunately, they are befriended by a group of resistance fighters, all former abductees, who hide them. They learn that a fleet of spaceships is going to teleport in orbit very soon-but the entire group is killed beforehand. It’s up to the detective to carry out the mission and foil the invasion.McGinley always portrays a great villain (as in Dean Koontz’s Intensity, Highlander 2, et cetera) and he’s in top form here. The bald head makes him look more crazy. Chad Lowe, in a subdued performance, portrays the alien leader. All in all the movie keeps you interested in what’s going on, lightly side-stepping the usual cliches and stereotypes.

Tarzan Returns (1996)

This is the two hour movie that was the first episode of Tarzan: The Epic Adventures, in which Tarzan (Joe Lara) returns to Africa in 1912 after spending a short time in civilization. He gets on the wrong side of Nicholai Rokoff (Andrew Divoff) when he comes to the defense of Claudette (Lydie Denier, who had portrayed Jane in a previous Tarzan TV series). Nicholai has stolen a large jewel from Claudette’s father and is in search of a golden pylon. He finds it and it turns out to be a portal to another world— the world of Pellucidar, which is at the center of the Earth. Tarzan and his newly acquired sidekick, a Waziri named Timba, follow them.

I think this is only the second time Pellucidar has been filmed, the first being At the Earth’s Core (1977), and it’s done justice, particularly with the “horizon” shot which shows the land curving upward and the “sun” suspended in the sky above. There’s also stop-motion animation dinosaurs, apemen and the Mahars. Unfortunately the scriptwriter has the reptilian Mahars change shape into beautiful human women, which makes little sense (other than as an excuse to show some babes). And since this was made in 1996 the morphing special effects are crude.

In an early scene, when Tarzan is still in Paris, he visits the zoo and is talking to a caged Great Ape and that simian costume is great. Joe Lara (American Cyborg) makes for a decent enough Tarzan. Directed by Brian Yuzna.

Tarzan: The Epic Adventures (1996)

This takes place after the movie/pilot Tarzan’s Return, with Tarzan going back to Africa after spending several years in England. He has a different side-kick than in the first movie, another Native African who was studying in Europe and is returning to his tribe to take over leadership. I’m not sure why they always choose to have a sidekick for Tarzan. With Ron Ely it was that kid, Jai, with other series it was Cheetah or Jane. It’s probably because he had a sidekick, N’Kima the monkey, in the books, someone he can talk to as he wouldn’t be talking to himself..

A lot of the episodes deal with magic, witches, wizards. There’s one that involve a Lost Legion of Rome and another where he visits the Lost City of Opar and meets the priestess La and the half man/half gorilla descendants of Atlantis. An interesting episode has him encountering an older version of himself, from the future, which I thought was cool. One of the worst episodes, however, is when he goes to Amtor (in the ERB books this is Venus) and meets Carson Napier. First, they present this as a planet in a galaxy far away and it’s anything not anything like Venus. It is dry and toxic and the mutant looking inhabitants drive around on motorcycles and dune buggies. And Napier himself looks like a nerd and his love-interest Duare anything but a princess of Venus.

The series is the first Tarzan series to be shot in Africa, where it’s supposed to take place. I also thought that the ape costumes are great. They look like something between a chimp and a gorilla. Joe Lara (the 18th and 20th person to portray the Ape-man) does make a good Tarzan and the series is second only to the Filmation Tarzan: Lord of the Jungle, in trying to be faithful to the original Edgar Rice Burroughs novels.

Teen Wolf  (2011)

The only thing this really has in common with the Michael J. Fox movie from the 80’s that a high schooler by the name of Scott McCall (Tyler Posey) is bitten by a werewolf.

The tone is serious, not at all tongue-in-cheek. He and a friend Stiles, the son of the town’s sheriff, go looking for the other half of a dead body in the nearby woods. The authorities found the first half—and think an animal may have done it. Why this doesn’t concern the two boys I haven’t a clue. They get separated and then McCall is attacked by a werewolf. He patches himself up and then discovers he’s stronger and has quick reflexes. In fact, he doesn’t even need to use his asthma inhaler anymore. McCall isn’t too quick to figure what’s going on but his friend is, and insists that he’s becoming a werewolf.

There’s also the return of loner Derek Hale, who’s family mysteriously died when their house caught on fire a few years before—and it’s obvious he’s a werewolf. But is he the one responsible for turning McCall into a lycanthrope? He warns him not to show his powers, that they have to keep their abilities a secret because there are people out to kill their kind. He warns McCall not to get excited because that may instigate the change,which he finds out when he plays Lacrosse. He grows long teeth and claws.

Everything is complicate by the new girl in the school, Allison Argent (Crystal Reed of Skyline). There’s a good chemistry between the two characters. He invites her out on a date, to a party, but has to leave her there when he begins to transform into were-boy. However, she’s not too upset and gives him a second chance. Yet he feels threatened by Derek Hale, who had given her a ride home. Is this guy playing games with him? Is he thinking about killing her as well (if he is even the killer)? One night McCall transforms and is shot in the arm with an arrow by werewolf hunters. He sees the face of the leader—and finds out at the end of the second episode that this guy is Allison’s father. He is a werewolf hunter!

The first two episodes are well-done and clearly establish all the characters. The full-werewolf is only glimpsed for seconds, as a CGI effect, and the times McCall changes it’s only part way, like Universal’s The Wolf Man, which I liked. However, it is just another teen-angst-horror show, like The Vampire Diaries and if you’re over eighteen there’s probably no reason to watch this...

Teenage Caveman (1958)

A young caveman (Robert Vaughn) wants to cross the river to where there’s more game—but the ancient laws of the tribe prohibit this, saying that there’s certain death. But he goes there anyways and sees not only lots of animals—but giant lizards. His father eventually admits that he made such a journey there when he was younger.

There’s plenty of stock footage from other Roger Corman movies—and a weird man-in a costume looking monster that turns out to be an old guy in a radiation suit. In the final scene the cavemen find a book tucked into the suit—and it has pictures of our modern world. This isn’t the past—it’s the far future, after WWIII! This is an entertaining, B-Movie. Written and directed by Roger Corman.

Teenage Caveman (2000)

In the near future, after some disaster that changed the environment, mankind is reduced to living in caves. A young group of explorers leaves their home—and come upon one of the old cities. But a storm strikes...and they wake up inside, befriended by an unusual couple who introduce them to drugs, rock and roll and sex. It turns out these two aren’t really what they seem—they are genetically altered to survive in earth’s hostile environment...and they are experimenting on these teens to see if any of them will adapt as well. Most of them don’t—they explode!In the end, the creatures reveal their true form—hulking, mutated monstrosities... very weird, claustrophobic movie.

Teenage Space Vampires (1998)

This is one of those movies shot in Romania, with a few American actors, and made to look as if it takes place in the US. Everyone is dubbed, badly, except for the English speaking leads, and the audio doesn’t quite match. The premise is that a teenager sees a UFO land from his bedroom window and investigates a nearby field where this strange structure now stands. It’s surrounded by these generic looking gargoyles, which seem to be surveillance devices for the aliens. The aliens are, of course, blood drinkers, and start converting the townsfolk into vampires as well. These aliens are a variation on the typical “Gray Alien”, with the big black eyes. There’s also an old abandoned mine, which they are using for a stronghold.

This is simply a terrible movie. The only point of interest is to see some early performances by Robin Dunne (Species III, Sanctuary TV series), and a blonde Lindy Booth (Cry Wolf, Wrong Turn, The 4400).

Teeth (2007)

Dawn (Jess Weixler), a sexually repressed teenager who is unfamiliar with her own body, starts to realize that she’s different from other girls. When her and her boy friend Tobey go to a nearby lake to swim he rapes her—and finds out that she has teeth where there shouldn’t be any teeth. He falls into the lake and they later find his body. Dawn, meanwhile, makes her first trip to a gynecologist to confirm her suspicions. Of course, the doctor is slimy (he doesn’t use latex gloves when examining her) and deservedly gets a few digits nipped off.

The biggest strength of this film is Jess Weixler’s performance. She’s going to be a great actress to look out for. On one hand this is a serious coming of age movie but it’s also a dark comedy and a horror movie with plenty of bite. If you’re a guy you can not help but cringe. Teeth is one of the best horror movies of 2008.

Tell Me Something (2002)

In this Korean serial killer movie someone is killing a woman’s list of old boyfriends and it’s up to the investigating police detective to figure out who she knows that is doing this to her. Is it another jilted boyfriend, upset by her rejection? Is it her father, who abused her as a child? Or is it someone much closer to her, someone you’d never suspect? The bodies of the victims are mutilated, with the head and limbs amputated and the special effects are appropriately gorey, particularly when they’re ruptured in the plastic garbage bags they’re found in. If you think you’ve seen every variation on the serial killer movie you should definitely check this flick out.

Tell Tale (2010)

This movie begins with a heart being harvested from a donor and transplanted into a new guy, Terry Bernard. Then it goes to five months later where he’s in his bathroom, taking the regiment of anti-rejection drugs. He takes his daughter to her doctor, Elizabeth (Lena Headey), and we learn that the kid has a progressive bone disease.

Terry asks her out, something she’s clearly been waiting for. Then, when he sees a paramedic passing by in the hallway he has a weird flashback, as if reliving a memory. But it’s not HIS memory. When he goes to his own doctor for a checkup and is waiting in the room he looks through the medical records and finds the name of his donor.

He ends up killing two guys, one of them that paramedic, who may be responsible for the death of his donor. But every time he tries to tell someone what he’s done, whether going to the police or confiding to his new girlfriend Elizabeth, his heart starts acting up. His new heart has a life of its own and it wants revenge...

Tell Tale is a very well constructed movie, sort of an improvement on Body Parts.

Josh Lucas gives an amazing performance as the poor sap who has to deal with all this stuff happening to him and it’s a different sort of part for Lena Headey. I am telling you to rent this tale.

Telling, The  (2009)

The movie begins with a college pledge committing suicide in a sorority house after they tell her she didn’t make the cut. It’s known as the cruelest sorority on campus and its leader, Stephanie (Dolly Madison) is a bitch. A year later, this same house is indoctrinating three new pledges who all have to tell a scary story. This mediocre anthology has only one good tale and that’s about an evil doll that becomes possessive of its finder, a guy. It kills both his current and ex girlfriends. But it’s predictable and afterwards I thought one of the other stories would clearly be an evil clown story. There wasn’t, so I guess this movie was that predictable....

Tempter, The (1974)

In this blatant Exorcist rip-off a woman, paralyzed from the waist down, is possessed by Satan. There’s a levitation scene, plenty of projectile vomiting and one of the main characters at the end meets his demise by somersaulting down a zillion steps. Through hypnosis it’s revealed she was an ex-nun in a former life who joined a group of devil worshippers-and as she remembers more and more of this previous life her possession episodes become more frequent. An old priest, reincarnated from her earlier life as well, comes in to rid her of the demon. As it turns out she is also pregnant-and if she gives birth it will be the Anti-Christ! So they really want to get that devil out of her....

Temptress, The  (2002)

A trio of goth looking vampire women, living in a nearby forest, prey upon the local townsfolk. When they change into vampires they have these long black press-on nails. They end up changing three suburban women into vamps-and they feed upon the men. There’s a lot of running around, a lot of characters that look alike and in the end a confrontation between the two groups of vampires. What really put a damper on the proceedings was the cheesy stock library music and the various times when the actors would be smirking or smiling when saying their lines. Directed by Jeff Kirkendall.

10,000 Years B.C. (2008)

I enjoyed director Roland Emmerich’s latest epic, which is best described as Quest for Fire meets One Million Years B.C meets Moses. A young man from a remote mountain tribe named D’Leh (Steven Strait) pursues his girlfriend, Evolet, after she and most of his tribe are captured by a band of horse-riding slavers. He and two companions, one of them the tribe’s leader, cross mountains, a jungle where large predatory birds attack them and across a vast desert. Along the way they make allies with the various other tribes along the way, who had people stolen as well. There’s a prophecy about a blue-eyed child who will bring down the rulers of a pyramid building culture. They’ve been capturing people to force them to work on this pyramid. There’s also the old magic woman of the mountain tribe, who is able to see what’s happening to the young warrior on his quest. She’s also tied to Evolet, who has those blue eyes. It’s up to D’Leh to not only save his girl but free all the people who have been enslaved.

The special effects are great, particularly the scenes with the mammoth hunt, the giant saber-toothed tiger, the ferocious ground birds and those mammoths hauling stones up the sides of a vast pyramid. It’s very cool. It’s also alluded to that the leader of this civilization is a survivor of Atlantis and when we finally see what he looks like, he’s a caucasian.

I thought it interesting that the people of D’Leh’s tribe are a mixed tribe, having people with Eskimo, African, Asian and Middle-Eastern features, while the other tribes they meet in the south are mostly African. The leaders of the pyramid building culture resemble people from India and there are also albino Africans. I’m assuming that these pyramids are supposed to be the ones in Egypt, much older than everyone thought they were, as it’s next to the Nile and they were also constructing a sphinx. 10,000 B.C. is simple in its plot but is visually entertaining and it’s fascinating seeing this prehistoric world.

10.5 (2004)

This Network made-for-television disaster movie delivers the goods. A huge 7.9 earthquake strikes downtown Seattle and another shakes up Northern California. It’s finally when one hits San Francisco do the governmental authorities believe the Earthquake expert (Kim Delaney) when she tells them Los Angeles is next. The president has the army evacuate the coast of California while nuclear bombs are set under the ground to fuse the tectonic plates together to prevent the devastating earthquake. Only one of the bombs isn’t situated correctly and the earthquake still hits LA, drowning that city and changing the coast line. There are subplots with the earthquake expert and her relationship with a colleague, the California governor who is frantically searching for her missing daughter and the decisions the President (Beau Bridges) has to face. The movie isn’t as good as those Irwin Allen disaster movies of the 70’s but it’s still entertaining and the effects are impressive. I’m sure this movie was made in order to capitalize on the upcoming theatrical release of The Day After Tomorrow (2004).

Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny (2006)

Well, although this is a comedy it does feature a red, goat-legged Satan, who is a primary character, not to mention the ketchup pentagram, a sight I’ve never seen before in a film. The Pick of Destiny, an object that has made many a famous rocker, is fashioned from one of the devil’s teeth and is sought after by the duo (Jack Black and Carl Gaas). I even lost track of how many times the “F” word was said (Whenever this airs on commercial television the audio is going to be one long bleep!). Tenacious D is utterly hilarious, the perfect Jack Black movie.

Tenement, The (2004)

Well, The Tenement starts off promising, with a guy and girl making out in a car in the woods-and they’re attacked by a bunch of robed figures. The woman is chased and eventually captured, nailed to a cross and tortured a bit by these people. Then, just when it’s getting interesting we cut to the REAL story. You see, this was just something playing on the television. The story concerns a young man in 1980 named Ethan who has some emotional problems, particularly with his nagging, bed-ridden mother. This is the basic Psycho scenario. While working at a flower shop he encounters a producer of some of his favorite horror movies-and the guy orders a dozen black roses to be brought to his set the next day. He goes and is mistaken for an actor at an audition, where the nasty director, named Korman (Michael Gingold) verbally abuses everyone and is a real dick. Well, Ethan’s audition doesn’t go very well and he’s humiliated by his ‘heroes’. This flips him out. He kills his cat then dresses up in a black ninja-like outfit to hunt down and kill Korman. He ends up killing him with a shovel, which was a good, bloody scene. The next story, takes place in 1990, which then makes me realize this is really an anthology movie. This story is about a rapist who lives in the same tenement building as Ethan-and he’s after a young mute girl. He follows her out to the country, where her parents have taken her on a trip and he attacks her. But she gets her revenge in a very peculiar way. The next story, in 2000, is about a guy in a therapy group. He says he’s there because he’s basically a shut-in, afraid to leave his apartment, but he visibly has no problems (in reality, if he really had that problem he wouldn’t be there-he’d still be in his apartment). Anyways, on the way back from one of the meetings he’s attacked by a dog. He goes to the doctor and finds out that his wound is healing. Soon, he believes that he turns into a werewolf when the moon is full and starts killing people. But his last murder, which the police show him because it’s caught on tape, show him not transforming into a werewolf at all. He’s insane! Then we go to the wraparound, where an old guy was telling the current owner of the tenement how he used to live there with his mother twenty-years before. This old guy turns out to be Ethan from the first story. Okay, here are my problems...First of all, only twenty years have passed and Ethan should be forty-years old, not sixty. That just doesn’t work. And in the first story the guy is watching a VCR and behind him you can see about a hundred and fifty VHS movies on a shelf. For those of us who existed in 1980, VCR’s weren’t commonplace yet and everyone had Betamax machines, not VHS. And for him to own the actual movies it would’ve been over a hundred dollars a tape, not five bucks like today. So the whole time-line thing is screwed up. In fact, there wasn’t any need for it since they could all be living in the building at the same time. The good thing is that The Tenement moves very quickly and the stories are different enough from one another. Plus, it’s always cathartic to see Fangoria Managing Editor Mike Gingold killed in a movie, don’t ask me why...

Terminal Error (2002)

The threat here is a computer virus that is intelligent and wants to wipe out humans. Michael Nouri (Flashdance, Dracula in that 70’s Cliffhanger series) runs a computer company which is contaminated by a program given to his son by one of his old colleagues & former employees. This is Timothy Busfield (Thirty Something) who gives a good performance as the bitter computer nerd. Marina Sirtis (Star Trek: TNG) is his ex-wife, who is angry all the time. There’s one scene involving a gas station exploding which reminded me of that scene in Hitchcock The Birds, which only make me realize how tame this movie is by comparison. There’s a lot of cheesy computer effects and the overdone story of a father trying to relate to his son. Terminal Error is the type of movie you’d likely see on The Family Channel.

Terminal Invasion (2002)

Although this is one of the better movies to premiere on the Sci-Fi Channel it still felt lacking, an amalgamation of just about every alien invasion movie you’ve ever seen. A murderer (the widely diversified Bruce Campbell. ahem) is being transported in a blizzard by two policemen. The car crashes and they take refuge at the nearest building, which happens to be a small airport. Everyone is stuck there because of the bad weather conditions. But it’s soon revealed that some of them are really shape-changing aliens who hate humans. From there it’s kind of The Thing, The Langoliers and Night of the Living Dead. It’s up to the spunky pilot (a horribly miscast Chase Masterson) to get them out of there. Blah blah blah.....

Termination Point  (2008)

Out on a rural farm a young couple is making out in the barn when they here something outside—and part of an airplane engine crashes through the roof. They go outside to see bits of the plane strewn about. The guy finds part of a burnt boarding pass that’s dated for tomorrow. There’s also this whirlpool like cloud in the sky, which at first sucks the woman in and then the guy.

Then we go to the previous day, during which Dr Daniel Winter (Lou Diamond Phillips) steals a time-travel device he has invented, believing it to be too dangerous for the government to use. What it does is open a gateway to “null space”, which is this sort of limbo, and through it can go backward or forwards in time. Agent Caleb Smith, heading out for a long overdue family vacation, is called back to the office to deal with this and tells his wife and daughter he’ll meet them later on in Mexico. By coincidence, Dr. Winter is on this same flight and ends up transporting the plane to “null space”. Now, Caleb has to somehow find another such device the Doctor made and rescue his family since we know what may happen to that plane.

This is a lame time-travel movie. The only time traveling jumps back and forth one day and that’s only at the beginning and end of the movie. It’s also one of those tales that ends in such a way that the events of the movie “never really happened”. The computer generated effects are sub-par for this type of thing and even the plane looks fake, like a cartoon. Believe me, you have better things to do with your time.

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

Compared to the previous two T movies this is a disappointment. By no means is this a bad movie-it just comes off as needless and anti-climactic. John Connor is ten years older, basically a homeless person wandering the country on his motorcycle, until he wipes out to avoid hitting a deer. He breaks into a nearby animal clinic for some pain killers and bandages-and is caught red-handed by Claire Danes. She’s very much like Sarah Connor in the first movie. In fact, at one point in the movie he says to her ‘You remind me of my mother’. Alas, Linda Hamilton’s character has been killed off by lukemia years before, which explains her absence. Arnold’s terminator is a cross between the first two-sometimes good, sometimes bad-we’re not too sure what his ultimate goal is. The newest terminator, a young blonde emotionless woman, is a better villain than Robert Patrick’s T-1000. On the downside, she’s extremely reminiscent of Sil from the movie SPECIES. Her cybernetic skeleton form looks too much like that creature. Yes, this does wrap up the series and you have to see this for completion. Just don’t be getting your hopes up.If you’re interested in a MUCH better conclusion to the terminator story read S.M. Stirling’s T2 trilogy, which Is an entirely different story of the Rise of the Machines. Unlike the movie it’s much more faithful in spirit.

Terminator: Salvation (2009)

I didn’t have high hopes when I went into the theater to see this, which is good because it’s the lesser of the four Terminator movies.

It begins in 2003, with death-row inmate Marcus Wright willing his body to science before his execution, then goes to 2018 to show Resistance fighter John Connor invading a Skynet research facility. They see that there are indeed design plans for the T-800 (the flesh covered ones), which Connor predicted, but there are also scores of human prisoners in cages. However, Skynet new they were coming and blows up the place but not before Connor escapes, as the only survivor.

Then we go to the other half of the story, a teenaged Kyle Reese (Anton Yelchin of Star Trek) and his seven-year old companion, Star. They meet up with Marcus Wright, who has no idea who he is or what has happened. And he looks exactly the same from 15 years ago. Kyle and Marcus bond to a certain extent and when Kyle and Star are captured by a huge Skynet robot he plans on rescuing them. On the way he encounters pilot Blair Wilson (Moon Bloodgood), who takes him to the nearest Resistance camp—where John Connor is the leader. It soon becomes apparent that Marcus isn’t exactly human and not like any type of Terminator Connor knows about.

Then, the rest of the story is Connor and Marcus teaming up to rescue Kyle Reese from the experiments in Skynet’s home base of San Francisco.

Although the special effects are great I thought the story was just so-so, and the Kyle Reese character has more screen time then Connor, who seems very one-dimensional. And Bryce Dallas Howard is miscast as Connor’s wife, Kate, as she is way too young. Where was Claire Danes? Terminator Salvation is exactly what you think it will be and offers nothing more.

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles Season One (2008)

I have somewhat mixed feeling about this show, most of them having to do with the actors and the pacing, which of course has to do with the television format. Lena Headey (300) does a valiant enough job filling Linda Hamilton’s shoes as Sarah Connor but Thomas Dekker (Heroes) doesn’t even fill the socks of the character of John Connor. I thought it interesting that they bypassed Terminator 3 by changing the time-line and jumping eight years into the future, thus pushing back the “Rise of the Machines”. John is still sixteen years old when he should be twenty-four. Sarah also finds out that in this alternate timeline she dies of cancer, so she goes to the doctor to get a check up and finds out that she’s fine. The most intriguing character is Cameron (Summer Glau), a friendly female Terminator who looks to be the same age as John. She poses as his sister most of the time.

Of course, there are Terminators after them while the family tries to stop Skynet from destroying the world. In the last several episodes of the first season we’re introduced to Derek Reese (Brian Austin Green), Kyle’s older brother, and he knows that John will eventually become a leader. In the last episode he takes John to a park and they watch two kids play baseball—- kids who are Derek and Kyle as children.

Terra Nova: Season One (2011)

The premise is that 150 years in the future, the world is ending because of environmental collapse caused by human overpopulation. Everyone has to breathe with oxygen masks on. And it’s a law that no family can have more than two kids. But the Shannons have three kids, which makes them criminals. They have to hide their youngest from the government officials. When they are caught, the father—Jim Shannon (Jason O’Mara of Life on Mars) is sent to prison for a few years. Meanwhile, his Doctor wife, Elisabeth, had the opportunity to start over on Terra Nova. A time-travel rift was discovered years before, which goes to 85 million years in the past. It’s a one-way trip. So they have to figure out how to break Jim from jail so he can join his family there.

Least to say he does escape and makes it to the Tenth Pilgrimage, to this new world. It’s quite a culture shock, as there is fresh air and plenty of vegetation. In fact, some people pass out when they first arrive from too much oxygen. Although Jim had been a police officer, he’s assigned for maintenance— but when there’s a crime, he intervenes, which gets the notice of the city’s leader, Commander Nathanial Taylor (Stephen Lang of Avatar). He’s made a member of the police. While there’s not a lot of crime, there is human friction, from a break-off colony called “The Sixers”, who live more like barbarians and have their own agenda. They are called “Sixers” because they came on the Sixth Pilgrimage. We also see some colorful looking brachiosaurs as well as a meat-eating, horned carnosaur. The coolest, though, are these man-sized creatures that use their pointed tales like knives. Thank God is wasn’t yet more Raptors.

In the second episode the city comes under the attack of a giant flock of Pterosaurs, which are like flying piranhas. In the third episode, people exposed to some type of virus, begin losing their memories. One of these people include Jim’s wife. Then there’s a story about a young girl who leaves the Sixers to seek refuge at Terra Nova. She turns out to be a reluctant spy. In the fifth episode, Jim investigates the colony’s first murder—by dinosaur—and there’s the birth of a baby Ankylosaur. It’s also made clear that whatever the humans do, it will not affect their future as this is an alternate past. So the future is wide-open.

This new television show has the same problem as Spielberg’s other television series, Falling Skies— there’s too much military crap. I was hoping for the same wonder as Jurassic Park and instead get another series about people not getting along, like the BBC show Outcasts. I want to see these characters explore this strange, prehistoric world. I want to see more dinosaurs, not just the 30 seconds they show each week. Sad to say, Terra Nova is nothing new.

Terror at London Bridge (1985)

This made-for-television movie starts off with a unique premise. The London Bridge, which had been moved, brick by brick to Lake Havusu in Arizona, is the site of a new batch of murders, which mirror those of Jack the Ripper’s from 1888. The movie begins in 1988, with the Ripper being chased, then shot to death on the bridge. He falls into the Thames, knocking off a brick as he plumits—a brick which is shown sinking to the bottom of the river. Back in the present, that very brick is discovered and placed into the newly constructed bridge. A woman tourist accidently cuts herself and bleeds on the very same brick—coincidently, of course, the following night. The blood bubbles and before you can say “You’re truly”, Jack is back. Without any explanation as to why.

Killings begin, all happening on dates that correspond with the original murders, and two English-accented characters are introduced—a rather scary looking, gaunt fellow to talks about good and evil, and a rather disarming, much younger fellow, who you immediately know is the killer. Despite Jack’s being resurrected in such a supernatural way, the supernatural slant is ignored the rest of the way. The cast, which reads as a roster of staple actors from mediocre television shows, are all bad stereotypes, particularly David Hasselhoff as the hero detective and Stephanie Kramer as his love interest. The only interesting character is played by Adrienne Barbeau (Creepshow, The Fog) but she’s one of the first to get killed off.

All the while I was watching this movie I wanted to know why the London Bridge was moved to Arizona—forget about the Ripper, why was the damned bridge moved? When the final confrontation finally happens—a surprisingly standard fist fight between Hasselhoff and The Ripper—no more is explained about the killings. The Ripper gets shot, falls over the side, as in the beginning, and the very same brick falls into the lake, ending with the same shot that started off this fiasco. And still not explanation about the damned bridge...

Terror Beneath (2011)

Joe and Kate are environmentalists who think they’ll be videotaping evidence of toxic dumping. However, what they come across looks like a drug deal. They see the “seller” cut his hand with a knife then place a big leaf on it. His wound instantly heals. He’s selling a special seed, which obviously has miraculous healing abilities. But when the two are spotted, the snipers fire after them. The guy selling the seeds is shot, drops it, and it soon starts sprouting roots and burrowing into the earth. Within moments there’s a mini-earthquake, with massive roots grasping out of the ground. They flee in their car and barely get away, it’s growing so fast.

Then we go to government agent Jack Taylor (Adrian Pasdar of Heroes) who wants to stop this giant malevolent root system. He recruits botanist Jocelyn Snow. She recounts, which is shown in a flashback sequence, how she and a colleague, Marcos (James Morrison of Space: Above & Beyond), discovered ancient seeds that were believed to be from the Garden of Eden. And these are some of the seeds, which have adversely reacted to our planet’s now toxic environment and is going on a rampage. They confront Marcos and he insists that this wasn’t his intent, that as long as the plants have clean soil they’ll help mankind.

I found the story interesting but there’s just one too many bible references and dialogue like “It’s been proven that stories in the bible actually happened”. For the most part the computer-generated effects are well-done, though I found it silly that the roots act like octopus tentacles and repeatedly grab people, for no reason other than to grab them. Does it like “squeezing the Charmin? The Terror Beneath is sort of a more visceral take on M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening crossed with a 50’s monster flick. Weird.

Terror in Toyland (1980)

This is probably the best Santa Slasher movie made, far better than any of the Silent Night, Deadly Night movies. A repressed, forty-ish man who works at the Jolly Dream Toy Factory is obsessed with Christmas. His entire apartment is decorated with Christmas Decorations and he likes to dress up as Santa Claws. He also keeps record books on the neighborhood children, of who’s been naughty and nice. On Christmas Eve he loses his mind —he goes around giving toys to boys and girls—but when he encounters people who don’t have the Christmas spirit, he kills them. Several people are slain on the steps of a church. The van he drives around in has a sleigh painted on the side, so when he accidently drives off of a bridge (presumably to his death) it looks like Santa’s sleigh coasting in the sky. Very well done psychological horror movie.

Terror Toons (2002)

This was an interesting movie, in both idea and execution. Two girls are left home when their parents go on vacation-and the younger girl receives a weird DVD in the mail called ‘Terror Toons’. Once she plays it the two cartoon characters, DR. Carnage and his ape assistant Max Assassin, appear and kill her. They are guys in rubber masks, not cartoons, but this works well. In the meantime, her older sister is in the living room playing strip quije board with a few friends. She hears a noise and goes to check up on her sister, who is really dead and being used like a puppet by Dr. Carnage. One by one these young folk are killed in gruesome ways. And there’s plenty of over-the-top gore. It turns out that the ‘Terror Toons’ DVD’s are being produced by Satan himself to contaminate suburbia. Directed by Joe Castro.

Terror Within, The (1989)

Although this is one of Roger Corman’s Alien inspired movie it’s different enough to be interesting. A group of scientists are hiding in a facility below the Mojave desert. It’s years after “The Accident”, which killed off the majority of the human population and transformed the survivors into creatures they call “Gargoyles” because that’s what they look like. A scouting party is killed above ground and then another is sent out to find out what happened to them. They were killed—but they also find a cave of dead bodies, human survivors. They also find a young woman who is terrified and bring her back. Tests show that she is pregnant. But she’s pregnant with a Gargoyle child and it is born within a few days. It escapes into the ducts of the facility and then grows to full size where it starts to kill everyone.

Andrew Stevens is the main character, David, and Starr Andreef (Dance of the Damned) is his girlfriend, Sue. Terri Treas (Alienation: The Series) is the biologist and George Kennedy is the leader, Hal.

Terror Within 2, The (1990)

Continues the story of David (Andrew Stevens), who also directs. It’s months r after the end of the first movie and he’s still wandering the Mojave desert, trying to get to the Rocky Mountain Stations where there are still survivors. He looks kind of crazy with a ZZ Top beard. He rescues a girl from one of the mutants and they quickly become familiar with each other and soon tells him that she’s pregnant, which you would think would make him very cautious, because it’s way too soon for her to tell (and there was a girl impregnated by one of the monsters in the first movie and it developed very quickly.

The story goes back and forth between David and his girlfriend to the people still at Rocky Mountain station, which include R. Lee Ermey and Stella Stevens. A mutant almost broke into their facility but they slammed the door in time, decapitating its finger. They put this in the lab and it starts to grow into a creature after it feeds on a mouse and one of the people. Meanwhile, David and the girl are betrayed by a tribe of people they come across, who try to kill him and sacrifice the girl to one of the mutants so it won’t bother them. They do, however, kill his pet dog, who had survived the first movie with him. He manages to rescue his girlfriend but not before she’s raped by the monster.

In the last half hour they make it to Rocky Mountain station but her pregnancy has accelerated and from what happened in the first movie we know what’s going to happen and it does. She gives birth, but it’s a half human/half monster. It grows to adult size in a matter of hours and starts killing people. So now there are two monsters in the underground complex they must fight. I didn’t enjoy this quite as much as the first movie.

Terrorvision (1986)

An alien pet, which can mutate into a dangerous, man-eating monster, is accidently beamed to Earth and picked up by a family’s satellite receiver, where it emerges from the TV to claim its victims. This family, the Puttermans, consists of Gerrit Graham and Mary Woronov as the swinging husband and wife, Grandpa, a survivalist who eats lizard tails, a punked-out daughter and a precocious son. The monster effects are decent and appropriately gross and the acting a bit over the top, though it fits the tone of the movie. Directed by Ted Nicolaou.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The (1974)

This is the movie that started it all and put serial killer movies on the map. A group of friends go to visit the grave of one of their grandparents and find it desecrated. They stop for a bite to eat at a gas station and eat some meat (not animal!) and encounter a weird hitchhiker (Edwin Neal), who turns out to be one of the members of the cannibalistic family. In one of the more memorable scene Sally Hardesty (Marilyn Burns) is tied to a dinner table next to an ancient looking head of the family—and witness them eating their favorite food. Oh, there’s also Leatherface (Gunnar Hansen), who wears a sewn mask of human faces over his own and chases people with a huge chainsaw.

Although this movie spawned over half a dozen sequels and a few remakes, none compares to the original in its intensity, though I do have a soft spot for Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. Highly recommended.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The (2003)

When I first heard that they were re-making TCM I was moaning. Why remake an already classic horror movie?Yet this particular remake manages to be as good as the original, with some interesting characters and a different take on the ‘Leatherface’ character (we actually see what he looks like underneath the mask). In terms of on-the-edge-of-your-seat suspense it’s probably even more effective, due to the fast editing and ‘shaky’ camera. TCM 2003 stays true to the original in that it takes place in the early 70’s. The start of the picture is black and white, grainy newsreel footage (a la Blair Witch) of the aftermath of the carnage, then to the introduction of the five college kids in a sepia tone film. What I liked best is that it managed to convey the same feeling of dread as the first movie and didn’t go overboard with the gore effects. And as I said it’s different enough so you aren’t 100% certain what’s going to happen at the outcome. The movie was a pleasant surprise.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)

It’s interesting to see how the demented family in the first remake came to be and it’s always a hoot to see R. Lee Ermey (Full Metal Jacket) portraying a crazier-than-shit bad guy. The Vietnam stuff falls flat, done way too many times before-and you know at the beginning that none of these people are going to survive (or else there’d be no first movie, which takes place five years after the events in this one).

The origin of “Tommy”, known to us as Leatherface, is explained-how he was birthed at the meat packing plant, born deformed, with a face-eating disease and left for dead in a garbage bin. He’s adopted by a homeless lady who finds him when picking through the garbage, then we’re shown a montage of him through the years-3 years old, 6 years old, 9 years old, et cetera, until he’s an adult and starts killing people with a chainsaw. It’s also explained in the movie why the Hewitt family has no qualms about cannibalism. TCM: The Beginning is not as good as the first remake but it’s far better than the first two Saw movies or The Hills Have Eyes re-do.

Thaw, The (2009)

There’s a new sub-genre of horror movie now, “Global Warming horror”. Director Larry Fessenden did it last year with his The Last Winter and now comes The Thaw starring Val Kilmer. In fact, this is Kilmer’s second GWH movie of the year, the first being The Chaos Experiment.

A group of environmentalists are in the Arctic, studying the effects of global warming on the polar bear populace. They tranquilize a young bear to mark him and see that he was feeding on a woolly mammoth that was in the melting ice. There’s also some kind of eggs imbedded in the mammoth meat...

Then we go to Dr Kruipin’s daughter, who he isn’t going along with. He invites her to come up to see him and she ends up going up there with some college interns. But when they get there they find the facility deserted. And there is a dead polar bear in the exam room. Things become more clearer when one of the people from the research group shows up. She’s very sick and dies, vomiting this horrible brown crap. They find out that everyone is dead and assumed she had killed them for some reason. What has happened is that they were infected by the bugs that hatched from the mammoth, bugs that burrow into them and lay eggs to reproduce. When those eggs hatch they consume the host body. These eggs start hatching from that dead polar bear and begin to infect them..

The Thaw is just okay, way too preachy for my tastes, considering that global warming is just a theory, not a fact, no matter how many times the media will keep on repeating those two words together. The special effects are quite good, from the bugs to a particularly cringing scene where they chop off a guy’s arm.

These Are the Damned (1963)

In England an American’s boat is robbed by a gang of hoodlums, led by a young Oliver Reed. The leader’s sister is also in on it but changes her mind and flees with the American. But the brother is pissed off and is determined to get his sister back. The two flee and enter a top secret military base and make their way into an underground facility. Here, they discover all these radioactive children. They are part of an experiment to develop a form of humanity that would survive the intense radioactive fallout of a third world war. They are also very isolated and are educated by built-in televisions. This has the feel of Hammer’s Quatermass movies, though it’s a weird combination combining the science fiction elements with the whole gang story. If you’re a fan of Hammer and are interested in seeing some of their early work, you’ll definitely enjoy this new collection.

Thesis (1996)

In this Spanish made film a young film student is doing her thesis on violence in movies and how it affects the viewer. She asks her professor to obtain some violent films for her from the school archives and he reluctantly agrees. But he accidently comes across a hidden room containing hundreds of VHS tapes. He feels that someone is watching him, though, so he takes one of the tapes and gets out of there. Next, he goes to one of the auditoriums, puts the tape in the player and sits down to watch it. A bit later the film student goes into the auditorium and finds her professor sitting in the chair, dead, of an apparent heart-attack. Whatever he saw on the tape was so horrible that he died from it. She quickly takes the tape and goes home-but is reluctant to view it. She turns off the picture and just listens to the audio, which is that of a woman screaming. She brings the tape to a friend of hers who absolutely loves horror films and they watch it. It’s about a woman, tied to a chair, being tortured and then killed. And the woman is recognized as a student who disappeared from campus two years before. They’ve come across a snuff film. The figure out the make of the camera, which is one that was last made two years ago. And then she encounters another film student using that very make of camera. She follows him out of morbid curiosity and he notices. Could he be the killer? And now is her life in danger as well?The movie keeps you guessing, until the very end, who is responsible for making the snuff film. Is it her friend who likes horror movies or this other student with the camera? Or is it someone else? Thesis is a creepy, suspenseful movie worth checking out.

They (2003)

This ‘Wes Craven Presents’ movie is very similar to Darkness Falls, though a much darker movie. A friend of a young woman kills himself before her-and this starts her re-occurrence of ‘night terrors’ from when she was five. At his funeral she meets two of his friends, who also had night terrors when they were children. They eventually discover that there’s something real, something that lives in the dark that wants to eat them. And just before this happens they develop a strange sore somewhere on their body, a mark the creatures put there when they were children. Once the other people disappear, victims of the creatures, she tries to confide in her boyfriend (Marc Blucas of Buffy the Vampire Slayer) and therapist-but they, of course, think she’s crazy. In the end they don’t believe her, much to her dismay. There’s a real bummer of an ending. But the alternate, original ending, works far far better to tie things together and you clearly see that all the key plot points led in this direction. Why do they always reshoot the endings? The monsters are creepy, insect-like and never fully shown, and the lighting appropriately moody. Definitely far better than I thought it would be.

They Are Among Us (2004)

This alien invasion movie had a really weird vibe to it, maybe because it comes off so serious. It seems that teenagers in a small town are disappearing. One of them is turning eighteen years old and his parents (Bruce Boxleitner and Nana Visitor) are extremely concerned about his health. They allude that he’s going to be going through some ‘changes’ soon-and he has no idea what they are talking about. It turns out that the town was taken over by some type of aliens a while back, creatures which came from a crashed meteor. They possess the bodies of humans and transform them, though some of the transformations go awry and the results are horrendous-these creatures look exactly like those big orcs from LOTR: The Two Towers. Nasty. Since their bodies are changed and they don’t bleed like normal humans, they need touch ups-and who better to do that than a down and out plastic surgeon (Corbin Bernsen) who caters to their needs. There’s also a blonde woman (Allison Eastwood, the daughter of you know who) who is investigating what’s going on. Her and the teenager join sides and they uncover the truth. The movie has an open ending-which makes me think this was a pilot for a failed television series. The idea is similar to the ending of the original Salem’s Lot movie, with them both hunting-and being hunted by—-these alien creatures.

They Came From Beyond Space (1967)

A group of meteors from the moon fall in an English farmer’s field. A team is sent to investigate and they are taken over by an alien presence that is contained in the rocks. Every time someone goes to investigate they are possessed by the aliens. That is, everyone except the hero, Curtis Temple (Robert Hutton), a fifties, overweight business suite type guy who has a metal plate in his head from an auto accident. He discovers that the aliens are building rockets and sending them to the moon, loaded with humans who have supposedly died of a deadly virus. In truth, the virus doesn’t kill them, just puts them in a coma until they arrive at their destination. On the moon they are possessed by the aliens and set to work. Temple meets the leader of the aliens, the Master of the Moon (Michael Gough of Konga, Batman), who explains that they are the most advanced creatures in the Universe. They are possessing the bodies of humans in order to make a rocket that will take them back to their home planet, where they can die. Temple explains that they didn’t have to invade like they did, that mankind would have helped them if they simply asked for the help. The alien leader obviously believes this-and as a sign of trust releases the body he possesses. This ending is so abrupt-and ludicrous-that I actually went ‘huh?’. Directed by Freddie Francis.

They Crawl (2002)

An army guy goes home to re-bond with his younger, genius brother, who has drifted away from the family. But once he gets there he finds out that his brother has been killed. It seems that his brother was doing experiments with cockroaches—and figured out something he wasn’t supposed to. The army guy and a woman detective start piecing together all the clues and find out that he was working for the U.S Government and that they may have killed him. But it turns out that it was really his brother’s friend, named Lazarus, who did all the killing. You see, they figured out how to control the roaches through a frequency—and they could be programmed to kill. In the end the roaches all come together to form a giant cockroach, which chases the two around a warehouse—but it’s ultimately killed in the stereotypical explosion. Interesting movie but a bit sloppily scripted. An unrecognizable Mickey Roarke makes an appearance.

Thicker Than Water: The Vampire Diaries Part 1 (2009)

I was pleased, as someone who has seen virtually every vampire movie out there, that this new film actually did something new and different with the blood drinking genre.

Goth girl Lara Baxter is sixteen years old and doesn’t get along with her preppie, blonde haired sister, Helen. She performs a black magic ritual on her, her sister gets an intense bloody nose and dies. Lara thinks she’s to blame—but it’s just a part of the life cycle of the vampire, as that’s what Helen comes back as. You see, Helen was adopted and grew up thinking she was entirely human. Her foster family keeps her in the basement, bringing her live food. The first are two Mormons, which is quite funny, as it’s always been kind of a fantasy to do something similar with these guys. Then, the a real live vampire comes around to visit Helen. He’s dressed exactly like a character from Interview with the Vampire. Of course, the movie is open ended, as this is part 1, yet it’s interesting enough and leaves enough unexplained so that I’ll definitely tune in for the next installment. Directed by Phil Messerer

Thing Below, The (2005)

Aboard a military ship, during a horrendous storm, a group of scientists are doing something with some substance contained in a big glass container. Even though the ship is rocking back and forth they decide to move the container-and, of course, drop it (Obviously they’re not rocket scientists). From within comes these rapidly multiplying tentacles via the worst computer animation imaginable. It kills them all. These tentacles were originally found deep in the Earth, where an alien has been before life even started on our planet. It causes the men to have these hallucinations of naked blonde women, which has nothing to do with the story other than to show naked blonde women. The tentacles keep on getting larger, more people are killed, they have to stop the alien, blah blah blah. The Thing Below is one of the worst movies I’ve seen, definitely A THING TO MISS!

Thing, The (2011)

It’s 1982. Dr. Sander Halvorson recruits graduate student Kate Lloyd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead of Death Proof, Final Destination 3) to go to a Norwegian research post in Antarctica, where something incredible has been discovered. They have found a flying saucer that crashed there a hundred thousand years before. They find the craft’s occupant buried in the ice and take it back to the complex. Of course, it escapes and begins mimicking the humans, one by one. It doesn’t help that Kate and Sander are at odds with each other. She wants to be cautious about the discovery while he blindly messes up.

Basically, this follows the formula of the John Carpenter movie, though there are a few interesting twists, like the “test” they come up with to see if someone is an alien or not. And while I thought I might have a problem with the CGI effects, as the original Rob Bottin creatures were amazing, they actually work better. The monsters are more realistic and intense. I also liked how the ending seamlessly ties into the beginning of the ‘82 movie. All in all, a very good prequel.

Things 3: Old Things (1998)

In this anthology three stories by classic writers H.G. Wells, Mary Shelley, and Rudyard Kipling are given a 90’s interpretation, meaning lots of blood and breasts. In Crystal Gazing an antique dealer comes across a mysterious crystal that shows the landscape of a distant planet-and one of its very hungry inhabitants. Cold Feet tells the tale of an engaged man who can’t help thinking about a leather clad, whip wielding woman he saw on an old postcard, with fatal results. And in Bestiality Film Star Randal Malone transforms into raging werewolf when a tribal shaman puts a curse on him. All three stories are engaging and different enough from each other so you don’t hit that fast-forward button on the VCR and features decent special effects by Anna Futrell and Tim Thomson. Directed by Ron Ford (Riddled with Bullets, Mark of Dracula, Alien Force)

Thirst (2009)

This begins with a fat Korean guy dying in a hospital and reminiscing about how he gave sponge-cake to two starving kids 30 years ago. He wonders if that act will get him into heaven. Then we’re introduced to a mopey priest who volunteers for a medical experiment in Africa. He starts developing blisters all over his body and loses his fingernails. Then, when he’s practicing the flute he vomits up a ton of blood. The experiment doesn’t work but it does turn him into a vampire. Six months later he returns to his church, wrapped in bandages like the invisible man. He figures out that if he drinks human blood it makes the blisters go away. At first he’s repulsed by this. After he drinks from the IV tube of a hospital patient he hurls himself out the window, only to land below on a car, unharmed. He also develops other appetites. He begins having sex with a young married woman and eventually transforms her into a vampire. While he’s Catholic and repressed and drinks blood from IV tubes she has no faith and revels in the killing and drinking.

I found this Korean vampire movie extremely boring. It didn’t add anything new to the vampire genre. I didn’t care one hoot about any of the characters. Even the ending is taken right from 30 Days of Night. Where are those Asian hopping vampires when you need them?

Thirst, The (2007)

Lisa (Clare Kramer of Buffy, The Gravedancers) is a stripper/former drug-addict who is dying of cancer, so she opts to become a vampire when the opportunity arises. She lets her co-dependent boyfriend (Matt Keesler) Maxx believe that she’s dead. He was extremely upset when he found out she had cancer and didn’t tell him so there’s no telling how he’d react with this other news...

But he does find out and agrees to have her transform him into a vampire, so she rips out his throat and he drinks her blood. He now belongs to a vampire “family”, which consists of the woman who turned Lisa, a cowboy vampire (Adam Baldwin), two weird twins and Darius (Jeremy Sisto).

This isn’t the first time vampirism has been used as an analogy for addiction in a movie - Abel Ferrera’s The Addiction is better - yet this is an interesting movie that has a satisfying story. It’s also interesting that it features three actors who have either been in Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Angel (Clare Kramer, Adam Baldwin and Tom Lenk).

13 Frightened Girls (1963)

The title is misleading, as it’s a kid spy/adventure movie, not a horror film. I guess they were trying to link it to Castle’s other movies, like 13 Ghosts. The blonde, sixteeen-year-old daughter of a US diplomat, Candy Hull, has a crush on a guy named Wally, who is a spy for her father. She overhears that if his performance doesn’t improve that he’ll be fired—so she takes it upon herself to help him obtain secret information from other countries. Because she goes to a private school in Sweden, all the other students are children of diplomats as well—and she’s friends with them all. She’s welcome at all the Embassies, which is ideal. She overhears things from the adults and sends the information, written in cut-out magazine letters, to Wally. And she quickly becomes the best spy the United States has. And no one knows who she is. Candy is an international Nancy Drew.

What I like about this movie is that there’s a real sense of danger for her, such as when a guy drugs her and is about to dump her out the window of a tall building. In another scene a Chinese assassin tries to hang her on a wicked-looking meat hook. And I must admit that while it’s not what I expected it is a fun movie.

13 Ghosts (1960)

Director/Producer William Castle introduces the movie, telling the viewer that by the time they finish watching the film they will believe in ghosts. Through “Percepto” and the ghost-viewer (3-D glasses) they’ll be able to see ghosts. It’s indicated throughout the movie when they are supposed to put on the glasses.

A museum curator, Cyrus Zorba (Donald Woods), inherits an old creepy mansion from an uncle he thought long dead. The uncle’s attorney, Ben Rush (Martin Milner), tells him that he’ll also inherit the ghosts his uncle collected. He’s also given a box, which contains a weird-looking pair of goggles, which soon come in handy. So the family moves in—Cyrus, his wife, his daughter Medea and young son Buck, who loves ghost stories. On the first day the boy finds a ouija board. They ask it how many ghosts are in the house and it says “13”. However, Cyrus doesn’t believe there are any ghosts until he sees them with his ghost viewer. There are the ghosts in the kitchen who re-enact a murder, the lion tamer who lost his head and others who burst into fireballs.

The recently dead uncle is the 12th ghost and the 13th is still to come, so someone is going to die. Their creepy housekeeper (Margaret Hamilton, who was the Wicked Witch of the West from THE WIZARD OF OZ) remains working, though they can’t afford to pay her. She knows all about the ghosts. Buck even calls her “The Witch” behind her back. She reveals to the family that before his death the uncle converted withdrew all his money from the bank as cash and hid it somewhere in the house. No one has found it.

Of course, as with any William Castle film there’s a twist ending the the most unlikely person turns out to be the villain. I much prefer this original to the 2001 remake.

Thirteen Ghosts (2001)

First, I liked the remake of William Castle’s The House on Haunted Hill (directed by Bill Malone). It was interesting, fun and scary. This remake of 13 Ghosts, on the other hand, is just interesting. It’s also predictable. A rich guy (F. Murray Abraham) is hunting down and capturing ghosts, for some reason, and some of these ghosts are extremely violent. The rich guy is killed and his fortune and house are left to his nephew, who recently lost his wife in a fire. As it turns out all twelve ghosts that the man captured are imprisoned down in the basement, via containment spells. As soon as the new family moves in (the father, his daughter and son) the house, which is like a glass maze, imprisons them and starts releasing the entities. The special effects are creepy and the ghosts interesting looking, though I would have liked to have known a bit more about their specific backgrounds. And as this is a typical Hollywood movie you know which characters are going to live and which ones will die. If you see this movie and enjoy it you should check out the original—it’s far superior.

13 Seconds (2003)

It’s not that often that I come across an independent horror movie that is genuinely scary-and 13 SECONDS gave me the creeps. The premise is a band going to an old mansion to record their new album-and the place seems to be haunted. There are malevolent spirits in the nearby woods and a strange room with paintings that foretell the immediate future. You never quite know what’s going on, until the unexpected twist ending. Although some of the actors are just so-so, director Jeff Thomas is best as the lead, this intense character with a hidden secret. The production values, moody lighting and the locations also bring this up a few notches on the roster. 13 Seconds is Jacob’s Ladder as if it was on Rod Serling’s Night Gallery.

1313 Mockingbird Lane (2012)

This pilot is an excellent and entertaining “re-imagining” of The Munsters. It’s more serious than the 60’s series but definitely has a sense of humor to it. It begins with a group of Boy Scouts around a campfire, who are attacked by a ferocious looking werewolf. In the morning we see the survivors cramped together in a pickup truck, wondering where Eddie Munster is. The boy steps out of the forest, naked. Then we go to blonde Marilyn, who is looking for a new home for her Aunt and Uncle, Lily and Herman. She’s not happy about the bright, sunshiny home the realtor shows her—but is very interested in the huge, dilapidated mansion across the street. This used to be the home of a notorious serial killer who killed homeless people. Now that’s appealing to her.

Herman and his son Eddie arrive at the house first. It’s explained they had to move because of the “Baby Bear” attack. Although Herman looked normal he’s made out of different body parts—and cherishes his heart most of all because he believes that’s where his feelings for his family are stored. When his heart begins to fail he freaks. That night two coffin shaped boxes are dropped off. From one emerge rats—which morph into Grandpa. Mist comes from the other coffin and turns into a naked Lily. Within minutes hundreds of spiders drop from the house and drape her in a web dress. Herman and Lily don’t want to tell Eddie that he’s a werewolf. Herman’s heart is also about to give out—and when he keels over, Grandpa puts in a new, mechanical one, but Herman wants the old one back. There’s a tension between Herman and his father-in-law. But they come to an agreement about the heart in the end, though Marilyn’s potential love interest is sacrificed for food and parts...

I loved this pilot. There are great special effects, high production value and it manages to update this series for the 21st Century. This is far better than the 90’s Adam’s Family movies.

13th Child: Legend of the Jersey Devil (2003)

This is one weird movie. It starts off with two guys in the woods, one gets decapitated and the other runs away. Cut to twenty years later, where the survivor (Robert Guillaume of Benson) is now in a mental institution. He sees a television program about ‘the Jersey Devil’ and it gets him going about it. In the meantime, there are these killings and disappearances happening in the Pine Barrens, where the Jersey Devil is supposed to live. A skeptical government official is sent to investigate-and with the help of a local Forest Ranger (Chris Atkins a loooonnnggg way away from The Blue Lagoon) and a NYC cop find what’s left of an escaped serial killer who may have been responsible for the recent deaths. Just his ravaged torso remains. There’s also a crazy, creepy old man (Cliff Robertson) she’s introduced to, who makes no beans about hating people. In fact, he admits that he spends him time studying animals like spiders and reptiles. He tells her the legend of the Jersey Devil, how two hundred years before a local indian put a curse on the area and its populace. He shape-shifts into a creature that’s an amalgamation of animals and kills. There’s also side stories about an old man hunting deer who is killed and two thirty-year old looking teenagers who are trying to have sex in an abandoned trailer. The only thing that bugged me about the movie are the tarantulas crawling around. There are no tarantulas native to the Jersey Pine Barrens! It was kind of like seeing the armadillos running around in the old Universal Frankenstein movies. Wrong animal in the wrong place. All of this doesn’t quite gel together, yet because of this the movie is somewhat unsettling and you have absolutely no idea what is going to happen next and that works in favor of the movie.

13th Warrior, The (1999)

In 922 A.D. an emissary from Persia, Ahmed Ibn Fahdlan (Antonio Banderas) is banished from his land for having an affair with the ruler’s wife and finds himself in Northern Europe. He accompanies a group of 12 Vikings who are on a mission to help another kingdom besieged by what they describe as demons. It’s all vaguely like the BEOWULF legend, though I find this more interesting. The first part of the movie leaves it up in the air if they are supernatural creatures or not and then becomes even more interesting when we find out the truth. It turns out that the attackers are a vicious tribe of primitive humans, like Neanderthals, that worship bears and dress in their skins.

This is a really good adventure film with rousing battles and a sense of humor.

Based on the book, The Eaters of the Dead, by Michael Crichton. It’s one of those rare cases where the movie is far far better than the original source material.

30 Days of Night (2007)

Based on the graphic novel by Steve Niles, this is one of the better vampires movies I’ve seen in years, portraying them as predators solely concerned with filling their bellies with blood. They are much more like the vampires from Salem’s Lot than they are from Interview With A Vampire.

The story takes place in America’s northernmost town, Barrow, Alaska, during the time of winter when it’s dark for thirty days. A stranger (Ben Foster of Six Feet Under, X-Men: The Last Stand) appears a few days beforehand, destroying cell phones, killing the local kennel of sled dogs, preparing for when the vampires appear. Eben Oleson (Josh Hartnett of H2O) is the sheriff and Stella (Melissa George of Amityville remake) his wife. She and her husband are separated but when she misses the last plane out of town she is stranded there for the next month. The two don’t have time to deal with their estranged relationship because those vampires show up and quickly decimate the small town, going from house to house.

What I liked best about this movie is although it’s the typical “Night of the Living Dead” scenario, with the survivors hiding and barricading themselves in various buildings, it doesn’t fall into the trap of being repetitive or boring. This movie moves! The vampires are gruesome, sort of like human piranhas. The actors also give good performances here and two of the supporting cast were also featured in The Ferryman, another above-average horror movie released this year (2007). The ending is suitably depressing and surprised me, as it’s not your typical Hollywood movie ending. It is a sad ending. If you’re a horror fan or not you will enjoy this unrelenting vampire movie.

Directed by David Slade, who did the excellent Hard Candy.

30 Days of Night: Dark Days (2010)

This sequel begins exactly where the first movie ended, with vampire Eben disintegrating from the sun while his wife Stella holds him. But instead of actress Melissa George it’s Kiele Sanchez (The Perfect Getaway, Lost). She leaves Barrow, Alaska, and writes a book about the horrifying month the town was slaughtered by vampires. But everyone laughs when she insists it’s a true story. That is until she has one particular reading and has the auditorium rigged with ultraviolet lights. She turns them on and the vampires in the audience burn up. There’s panic. She’s visited by an FBI agent who is working for the vampires and he tells her to leave town. Instead, she’s recruited by a group of vampire hunters. They’ve all lost loved ones and want revenge. The leader, Dane, turns out to be a vampire who has retained some of his humanity. Stella reluctantly decides to join them and falls for Paul. They want to kill the Queen of the vampires, Lilith (Mia Kirshner), who organizes everything they do.

The group also learns that burnt, seemingly dead vampires, can be resurrected with blood, which plants an idea in Stella’s head. When they discover she is setting up another group of vampires to prey on an unsuspecting Alaskan town she wants to stop them. She doesn’t want another Barrow to happen. They find the ship and are horrified to see it loaded with humans, for food. They are also hopelessly outnumbered.

The movie is faithful to graphic novel and the ending, like the book, leaves it wide open for the sequels. This will be an entertaining franchise. I much prefer these ferocious, animal-like vamps to the moody ones of Twilight and Vampire Diaries.

This Darkness (2003)

This is a surprisingly well-done vampire movie, written/directed/produced and starring Dylan O’Leary. Whew. A world famous genetic engineer by the name of Abraham Van Helsing (yes, he is the great great great Grandson of the famous vampire slayer) discovers the secret of immortality, which has to do with a strange virus. This virus is what causes vampirism. The ‘king of the undead’ wants Van Helsing to make him all virus so that he can become more powerful. There’s also a dark, seductive student who seduces Van Helsing-and she also turns out to be a vampire, who has a very surprising tie to him (I did not see that coming). Sure, the story gets convoluted at times but it’s so fast paced, so crammed with odd characters and situations (such as the karate vampire fighters) that you readily forgive this.

Thor (2011)

This is one of the better adaptations of a Marvel comics superhero. It begins with scientist Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) who has a theory linking weather patterns to wormholes. They are chasing an anomaly out in the New Mexico desert and literally run into a large, Viking-looking man. This, we soon learn in a lengthy flashback, is Thor, the God of Thunder (Chris Helmsworth) . The inhabitants of Asgard were the protectors of Earth until around a thousand years ago, when they had prevented the evil frost giants from taking over the planet. But Thor is headstrong and takes a group of his warrior friends to the land of the Frost giants, which opens up a new war. Odin (Anthony Hopkins) is pissed and banishes Thor to Earth, to learn his lesson. But Thor’s brother, Loki, has a scheme of his own to get the crown.

On Earth, Agent Coulson of Shield seizes all of Foster’s work and erects a perimeter around Thor’s hammer, Mjolnar, which had fallen to earth soon after he did. Thor tries to get it but he’s not yet worthy to wield the weapon. He’s taken captive. And Clint Barton, Hawkeye, makes an appearance, setting way for the upcoming AVENGERS movie in 2012. One of Foster’s colleagues manages to get Thor out of there, though they are followed by Shield agents. Then Loki makes a deal with the Frost Giants—and then sends an armored robot to kill Thor on Earth. Of course, Thor gets the help from Siff and the Warriors Three. I dug this movie. The character behaves much more like Marvel’s Hercules than he does Thor, and, of course, this is much more along the lines of Ultimate Thor than the 60’s Marvel version.

Thought Crimes (2004)

Freya McAllister (Navi Rawat), on the night of her high school senior prom, is overwhelmed when she starts hearing the thoughts of everyone there. She retreats into a world of her own, seemingly autistic, and is committed to a mental institution for eight years. During this time her father dies and her sister moves away. Then, one day, she discovers that she’s able to block the barrage of thoughts in her mind when she concentrates on reading a book. Soon she’s reading every book in the institution. Dr. Welles (Peter Horton) shows up and tells her that she isn’t crazy, that she is a mind-reader and doesn’t know how to control her powers. He takes her out of the mental institution and teaches her how to block out thoughts and to concentrate reading one mind at a time. When he takes her to his workplace and introduces her to the employees she’s surprised when she actually experiences quite in her mind. Through certain techniques, created by Dr. Welles, they are able to block their thoughts. Of course, Dr. Welles has a purpose for helping her. He works for the National Security Agency and they need a mind reader in order to hunt down an infamous assassin. Yet the people they are up against are also able to block their thoughts. The majority of the movie is about Freya dealing with her newly controlled abilities-and her reluctance to work for the government agency. She’s left little choice, though, because she has nowhere else to go, no one else to help her with her powers. Thought Crimes reminded me a bit of the tv series ALIAS and actress Rawat is as photogenic as Jennifer Garner. It would make for an interesting action/supernatural series.

Thr3e (2007)

Marc Blucas (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) portrays  a seminary student who is the latest target of a serial killer, who wants him to “admit his guilt”. It’s revealed that he may have killed someone when he was a teenager and that has plagued him throughout his life. Also on board is a police psychologist (Justine Wadell of Dracula 2000) whose brother was killed by the serial bomber. The movie is more surreal than anything else, particularly when we see the scenes of the main character’s family, who have various mental problems. The movie Identity, which has a similar plot point, is far more enjoyable. Convoluted and implausible, Thr3e simply left me irritated.

300 (2007)

This adaptation of Frank Miller’s (Sin City) graphic novel, about three hundred Spartans at the battle of Thermopylae in 420 B.C., is an extremely violent and beautiful film.

Gerard Butler (Dracula 2000, Tomb Raider 2) is perfectly cast as King Leonidas as is Lena Headey (The Cave, Sarah Connor Chronicles, Game of Thrones) as his stoic Queen. The special effects, particularly the scenes with the elephants and the charging Rhino are believable. And although it’s a longish movie at 117 minutes, the time flies by—and soon after leaving the movie theatre you’ll probably have the urge to go out and buy a sword on ebay.

300 gets my highest recommendation as it’s truly an amazing movie. I’m sure I’ll see it a few more times in the next month.

Threshold (2003)

A shuttle crew, in orbit about the Earth, pass through a strange fog which contains many small meteors. One of the astronauts gets one of these micro-projectiles imbedded in his arm. At first he’s okay but then he starts getting sick. He soon dies but not before a cloud of strange moths emerge from him. They were using him as an incubator. What these creatures then do is take over people, who then develop distinct insect characteristics like an extra pair of large insect arms which they can kill with. Of course they want to increase their numbers and take over the planet but a group of scientists try to prevent that from happening? Do they succeed? Do we care? This scenario has been used so many times in sci-fi movies and literature that it’s WAY beyond being a genre cliche. One interesting thing, though, is that TV Writer/producer Stephen J. Canell has a cameo as one of the possessed people.

Through the Eyes of a Killer (1992)

This is a stylish television suspense film, with plenty of moving camera shots, tilted angles and an occasional respectful nod to Hitchcock: Rebecca plays on the television in one shot; there’s a shower scene complete with a potentially dangerous pair of scissor; and there’s a guest appearance by Tippi Hedren (The Birds, Marnie).

Marg Helgenberger (CSI, China Beach) breaks up with her boyfriend, played by Joe Panaliano, and buys her own apartment which needs massive amounts of work. In comes Richard Dean Anderson (doing an anti-MacGyver!) as a carpenter whom she hires to fix up the place. In a very short time they hook up and he falls in love with her—but the feeling is no reciprocal. Meanwhile, Helgenberger’s old boyfriend still hasn’t given up hope. When certain people start showing up dead he’s the first to be blamed, until he takes a nosedive, too. The suspicion shifts. It’s the carpenter after all. It seems that Anderson, while fixing her abode, put in hidden doors, and metal plates that would slide over the windows and doors if she tried to escape. After a chase, in which she discovers that Anderson has been living between the walls of her apartment, he tries to kill her, explaining that apartment (which was the scene of a crime fifteen years earlier) told him to do it.

Thunderbirds (2004)

This is a fun movie, in the spirit of the 60’s Jerry Anderson puppet series on which it is based. It’s also remarkably like the animated The Incredibles, dealing with a superhero family and with the children coming to the rescue at the end on a tropical island. Bill Paxton is Jeff Tracy. The other members of his rescue team are his sons. The youngest son, still in school, wants to become a member but his father tells him ‘no shortcuts’, that he has to go to school and get good grades before he can join in the action. But when a super villain (Ben Kingsley) strands the Tracy’s out in space it’s up to this kid to not only save them but defeat the bad guy and take back the island. He’s joined by a school pal and the daughter of the island’s workers. I was honestly surprised how entertaining this movie was. It moves fast, the effects are decent and the characters likable.

Tick, The (2001)

The nine half-hour episodes of this show are simply brilliant. Patrick Warburton (Putty from Seinfeld TV series) portrays the blue avenger who fights crime alongside his sidekick Arthur, Captain Liberty and BatManuel (Nestor Carbanell of Lost). Arthur was previously an accountant, before he succumbed to ‘the calling’ and donned the costume of a white moth. Everyone thinks he’s Rabbit Man because his costume’s antennae look like long skinny rabbit ears. Captain Liberty (Liz Vassey) is a ballbuster who resembles the Statue of Liberty and Batmanuel is a hispanic version of everyone’s favorite caped crusader. In one episode they must deal with the unlikely death of Mr. Invincible, who dies while having sex with Captain Liberty. Another show addresses the homosexual nature of a ‘Dynamic Duo’, featuring Ron Perlman in a different sort of role.

I think this show was about ten years ahead of its time. As a superhero spoof it’s funnier than Mystery Men or The Specials. What really makes it, however, is Warburton’s deadpan, earnest performance - and those continually moving antennae.

Tide Land (2007)

The story here is about a ten-year old girl who has heroin addicted parents (Jeff Bridges and Meg Tilly). Soon after her mother overdoses, she and her father return to his place of origins, which is far out in the country, on an old abandoned farmhouse. He soon overdoses as well, though the girl never acknowledges it. Well, she’s a kid - she doesn’t quite know what death is and so doesn’t have a big reaction to it. She also has a very active imagination and is constantly talking to her collection of doll heads. There’s also dialogue that goes on with the squirrel that lives in the walls.

As the movie progresses she still continues to talk to her father, who sits in a chair and slowly rots away. There’s also a next door neighbor - a crazy, one-eyed woman - and her brain damaged brother, who she befriends. The brother thinks he has a submarine and is a shark hunter. This is one of those flicks that have you laughing one moment and horrified the next. The closest thing I can compare it to is the movie The Reflecting Skin. Tide Land is one of Terry Gilliam’s more disturbing movies.

Till Human Voices Wake Us (2003)

Guy Pierce (Time Machine, Momento) plays Dr. Sam Franks, an emotionally distant psychologist who must return to his home town in Australia to bury his father. Once there, he starts remembering his childhood, and the close friendship he had with a girl one Summer. But the experience ended in a horrible tragedy, which affected the rest of his life. One night, in a rainstorm, he sees a woman standing on the edge of a bridge-and she falls into the river below. He dives in and saves her, taking her to his home. She claims to have no memory of who she is exactly. But he recognizes her from his train ride into town, a woman he briefly met named Ruby. The movie cuts back and forth from present day to flashbacks of his childhood, all leading up to the event that changed his life. And the two stories start to converge, as Ruby starts acting more and more like his childhood friend. It turns out that his friend drowned, sucked down by the river’s current-and that he felt horribly responsible because it was his idea to go into the water. He had also let go of her hand for a moment, the moment she was whisked away. It turns out that Ruby has appeared so that he can set the past to rest-but is she a ghost or a manifestation of his mind? This was a decent ghost story, very character driven.

Time After Time (2011)

I’m a sucker for time-travel movies and although this premiered on the Hallmark Channel I still had some high hopes. A thirty-year-old newspaper reporter, Richard Kerm, flees his high profile current job (it’s his habit) and ends up back in the home town he originally ran away from. He drops by the local newspaper where he had his beginnings and meets a guy in his mid-fifties, who knows an awful lot about him. This is Dick Kerm (Richard Thomas), who is actually himself from the future. The majority of the plot deals with Richard coming to terms with this life, what he wants/doesn’t want/ and reuniting with his old girlfriend who he had abandoned by the big city. Dick wants to influence his younger self into making different decisions so he’s not alone in his life. Ultimately, he does manage to change the future.

I think the movie would have had more impact if the two actors resembled each other a bit more—or even acted the same. I had to keep on reminding myself that this was the same character at different ages. This movie is NOT to be confused with the excellent Time After Time, which featured Malcolm McDowell as H.G. Wells pursuing Jack the Ripper.

Time Cop 2: The Berlin Decision (2003)

Brandon Scott Lee (Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story, Soldier, Jungle Book) is Ryan Chan, a time cop in the year 2025 who must prevent a rogue agent named Miller from changing the past. Miller wants to kill Hitler before he rises to power-but Chan shows up and stops him, though he ends up shooting and killing Miller’s wife.Once back in the future, though, time cop agents start disappearing-because Miller has gone back in time and is killing their ancestors, so that they’ll never exist. Ryan must follow his trail-from the Wild West to the 1970’s in order to stop Miller from killing his own ancestors.The two finally confront after Ryan’s father is killed (when he is eleven)-and hopefully at this point the time-line will go back to normal. The movie isn’t as good as the Van Damme Time Cop movie but it’s better than the short-lived Time Cop television series that was on in the late 90’s.

Time Crimes (2009)

This is an intriguing time-travel movie that is mostly successful at also being a horror movie.

At first the inadvertent time traveller is rather stupid, because he has no idea what’s going on, but each time he goes back (and he goes back in time more than once) to try to set things right, the more he’s able to “fix” things. But in order to do this he has to commit horrible crimes in order to preserve the status quo. The movie does start off slowly, but quickly escalates as the stakes are raised. It will also keep you guessing, which is a good thing. Recommended.

Time Machine, The (1960)

This George Pal movie is the best interpretation of the H.G. Well’s novel, with Rod Taylor as the intrepid time traveler and Yvette Mimieux (Snowbeast, Black Hole) as the Eloi, Weena, with whom he falls in love with.But the story with the Eloi and the subterranean Morlocks only takes up half of the movie-the first half is him taking short jumps forward in time, first to 1917, then to WWII and then to 1964, when WWIII presumably begins. He manages to jump back in his time machine before the nuclear bombs radiation gets him. Then, he fast forwards a million years in the future, to find the two very different races existing. He ultimately teaches the Eloi how to fight back, rather than being eaten like sheep, and in the end returns to the future to help them rebuild human civilization. I hadn’t seen this movie in over a dozen years-and it still holds up, even the stop-motion animation and matte painting effects. It also made me appreciate the recent Time Travel movie (directed by H.G. Well’s great grandson) much more, particularly with how the new movie explored some different possibilities and didn’t try to remake this classic flick.

Time Machine, The (1978)

A Russian missile is going to crash into the middle of Los Angeles so the government decides to send an exprimental guidance missile to intercept it. However, , they need the Mega computer to take the guidance control and this is of course at The Mega Corporation. Neal Perry (John Beck), one of the top scientists working there, reprograms the computer with a pocket calculator. He’s been allowed to work on his own projects and has created a time machine. While the bosses believe him right off, that he created a time machine, they aren’t all that impressed and are upset he spent 20 million dollars of their budget on this rather than a weapon. They want him to work on an anti-matter bomb so he decides to tests his machine and travels back in time. When he’s in the time stream it’s like the 70’s Doctor Who Tardis.

First, he encounters pilgrims, though it still looks like dry California. They think his machine is a tool of the devil and condemn him as a witch, set to burning him and the machine together (no one was ever burned at the stake in North America) He escapes and goes to the old West. Finally, he goes to the far future to see if the weapons designed by his company ended the world. First, he appears on a dried up lake bed, the atmosphere low on oxygen and high in radiation. Thousands of years later he ends up in a forest. He almost gets clubbed by the human looking Eloi, but a girl named Weena (Priscilla Barnes) stops this. There are just a handful of humans who are alive and they live in an old stone building that is a museum of weapons

Neal discovers that the Morlocks, who live below, and are depicted by lame latex masks and glowing eyes, are feeding on the Eloi like cattle. He reasons the only way to stop them doing this is to utterly destroy them, which he does with plastic explosive from the museum. He goes back to the present to warn his war hungry employers of the danger but they only want to use his time machine to get the heads up on new technology. So Neal packs up a bunch of books and belongings and returns to the future, to educate the Eloi and restart mankind....

I’ve had fond memories of this from when it first aired—but it holds up poorly over time and is very dated. Perhaps the worst film version of H.G. Well’s classic novel.

Time Machine, The (2002)

I really liked this new movie version of the H.G. Well’s classic. Instead of retreading what’s been done before, most notably from the George Pal adaptation, the characters are portrayed very differently. Here, the time traveller is a desperate man, trying to figure out why he cannot change the past, no matter how many times he goes back (to prevent the death of his fiance). So he goes to the future—2030, where there are colonies on the moon—and then a few years later when the moon is starting to break up, causing havoc on the surface of the Earth. He’s knocked unconscious and is hurtled some 800,000 years in to the future, where he is befriended by the Polynesian-like Eloi. It seems a very idyllic life...until he finds out about the Morlocks. These suckers are even nastier looking than the creatures in the 50’s version—apelike, albino, with skull-like faces—and they can even run on all fours, like a predator. When his new female friend is abducted in a raiding party he decides to go after her—and enters the underground world. Here he discovers the terrible secret, of the Morlock’s eating the humans, and also that there are a few different kinds of Morlocks. The hunters he encountered are controlled by a more human looking species (the leader portrayed by Jeremy Irons), who not only eat the Eloi but use them for breeding purposes as well.

Time Traveler’s Wife, The (2009)

This is an interesting take on time-travel. Usually, with time travel movies, the crux of the story is to try to change some event. Here, the time-travel is basically a nuisance to the main character, Henry (Eric Bana of Hulk) who has to somehow incorporate this genetic problem he has into his life. His abilities first manifest themselves when he’s in a car accident with his mother. She is killed but he has managed to disappear before the crash and reappear on that same road. He’s befriended by an adult, who tells him everything will be okay. This is actually his future self.

At first he doesn’t have much control over the ability—stress and drinking seem to make it worse. Then, one day, he meets Clare (Rachel McAdams) at the Library where he works—and she knows exactly who he is. She tells him that he’s been visiting her since she was a little girl and that she’s known him her whole life. She tells him all the dates he has appeared to her as a child and teenager and he writes them down, so he can appear on those specific days. The two end up getting married and try to have a child, though she keeps on having miscarriages. They think it may be because the fetus also has the time-travel ability and this is what keeps on killing it. However, they do end up having a daughter, which Henry discovers when he travels to a future time period and meets the ten-year-old girl. He also finds out the day he dies. I don’t know how this movie compares to the book, but as a drama/vaguely sci-fi film it works very well.

Time Traveler, The (1984)

Adrienne Barbeau and her kid are living in Greece. She’s reading a Bourne Ludlum book. A naked man (Kier Dullea of The Starlost, 2001 A Space Odyssey) washes up on a nearby beach and they take him back to their house. A local doctor checks him out and discovers the guy has two heartbeats. Slowly he regains his memory and says he comes from a distant future, where everyone is exactly the same and even look the same. He came in search of his brother, who, surprise, was transported two thousand years earlier and was crucified for wanting to change human behavior. This is a boring, overly preachy movie that comes off very flat. Simply a waste of time.

Timeline (2004)

Timeline follows in the footsteps of The Lost World and Congo as being a dumbed-down version of a Michael Crighton novel. In the book the fascinating thing is how the time-travel process is explained. In the movie it’s referred to as a ‘wormhole’, which is fixed to a certain spot in time. I guess if you’re a Star Trek fan or something, you readily accept this explanation. The female character in the book has balls-she’s tough. Here, nothing special. And there are way too many characters to adequately deal with, as in the new Dawn of the Dead remake. It’s also never explained why the group is in such a tizzy to recover one scientist who hasn’t come back from the past. To get him back they send eight people-and in the end only three of them return to the present. It’s silly. My biggest complaint, however, is that the middle ages is too clean-looking (it was filthy back then) and the present-day characters can understand their language. In the book they had to learn old English. It would be like trying to understand someone reading Shakespeare without ever having read him before. The language was very very different. The movie is also something that the book is not-it is boring. There are much better time-travel movies out there.

Timelock (1998)

It’s a few hundred years in the future. A man (Ayre Gross), convicted of electronically stealing money, is mistakingly sent to a harsh prison colony on an asteroid. He keeps on telling the captain of the ship (Maryam D’abo) that’s transporting him that he should be at a minimum security prison but she doesn’t believe him. Soon after they land on the asteroid all hell breaks loose when the prisoners revolt. Then, they unfreeze a particularly crazy criminal (Jeff Speakman) from cryogenic freeze. He has the prisoners kill all the guards. The captain of the ship manages to stay alive-and meets up with that thief. Together they try to survive and escape to safety. The weird thing about this movie is that there are all these asides the characters keep on saying, relevant to 20th century television. Would people two hundred years in the future even remember what television was?

Timequest (2003)

This is one of the most satisfying time-travel movies I’ve seen. Just before JFK is about to take that fateful drive in Texas he’s visited by a time traveller (Ralph Waite (the father on The Waltons)), who appears in his hotel room. The traveller explains what’s going to happen-and shows them all the news footage of that tragic day. Once the exact time of the assassination happens-and Kennedy is still alive-the time traveller disappears because he just erased his own future. The movie skips back and forth from the 60’s to the present day, where the space program continued and there are colonies on the moon. And we’re shown how different the world becomes. Jack, Robert and Jackie Kennedy, worried that their time traveller will invent time travel again and undo everything, find out who the man is and set him on a very different career. A very cool movie.

Timo Rose’s Beast (2009)

In this ferocious new werewolf movie from Germany, Joe Zaso (Five Dead on the Crimson Canvas) gives a restrained performance as Alex, a traveller who returns home with the werewolf curse. He first visits his sister, Amy (Raine Brown), who senses that something isn’t quite right with her brother. Meanwhile, a pair of amusing werewolf hunters are chasing after another lycanthrope and their pursuit ends up crossing over with the two siblings.

The movie starts off with a bang with a werewolf hunt gone awry in Romania and the gore effects and werewolf makeup are impressively realistic. The canvas is also world-wide in scope, as this werewolf problem is happening all over the place and there are many hunters trying to dispatch them. It’s vaguely like John Carpenter’s Vampires, only with werewolves. However, the feel is (and I don’t mean this in a bad way) that of The Howling II. There are also cameos by Judith O’Dea (Night of the Living Dead) and Mike Mendez (director of Gravedancers). Also, director Timo Rose is a hoot as one of the werewolf bounty hunters.

Beast is one of the better werewolf movies I have seen in a long time and would definitely lend itself to the first in a series.

Tin Man (2007)

Although it’s morbidly fascinating to see how they messed up the original source material of The Wizard of Oz, this is blasphemous to the classic film. It’s also boring.

They have to save the queen, which turns out to be her real mother, and the evil witch now in control of the country, Azkedelia, is her older sister. She’s able to have the flying monkeys come out of her breasts. DG (the Dorothy character) has three travelling companions who are vaguely like the Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion and the Tin Man, though have none of their charm. The worst thing about this mini-series is it takes the fun out of The Wizard of Oz. For Godsakes, they made the munchkins into resistance fighters!

Tingler (1959)

Next to House on Haunted Hill, this is my favorite William Castle movie. Vincent Price is pathologist Warren Chapin, who has a theory that a creature grows in people when they experience fear. He calls this “The Tingler”. He works out of the lab in his house while his rich, faithless wife runs around in front of his face. His lab assistant is engaged to his young sister-in-law, who he treats like a daughter. Neither of them like the wife much.

Warren’s theories are proven correct when he threatens his wife and shoots her with a blank. She faints, but is terrified before he does so. He quickly puts her body on the x-ray table and is able to photograph the little monster. It’s a dark, wormlike shape attached to the spine. He believes it starts off microscopic and rapidly grows when fear is unable to be expressed through a scream.

The main story is when Warren meets up with an old guy who runs a movie theater. The guy’s wife is a deaf mute and has a phobia of blood. So when he accidently cuts himself she passes out, since she is unable to scream. She would be the ideal subject to scare and see if the Tingler appears. His wish soon comes true. After one of his visits she wakes up to find a guy in a horrible mask, holding a hatchet, after her. She runs into the bathroom where blood begins coming out of the faucets and the bathtub is filled. This is a very cool sequence because all of this blood is bright red, while the rest of the movie is in black and white. When a bloody hand emerges from the bathtub blood she dies of fright. Her husband brings her to Warren, since he says he doesn’t know what else to do. But her body is moving....Warren does an autopsy and removes a two-foot long living Tingler from her body and puts it in a terrarium. It escapes and he must capture it before it kills someone else...

For most of the movie we’re not certain if Warren was the one who scared the mans’s wife to death in his quest for proving his theories correct. Yes, it is kind of a goofy movie but Vincent Price’s performance manages to make it seem believable. If you’re a horror fan this is a “must see” movie.

To Save A Child (1991)

Isabella Larson (Marita Geraghty) is recently married to new doctor Garth and also pregnant. They move to his home town in rural New Mexico where the people are strange. His creepy old father (Anthony Zerbe of Omega Man) keeps hitting on her and she spies his mother practicing some weird religion in the shed. Even the town’s only doctor is sinister. There are also strange tribal masks and totems all about and she calls up her old Professor friend (the late great Spalding Gray), who tells her they may be shape-shifters or worshippers of evil.

Isabella goes into labor and when she wakes up her husband tells her that her child was born dead— but she saw her boy being born alive. It turns out that the community has her son marked to be their new leader and are going to give him to another couple to raise. Before they are able to brand him she manages to steal him away. She’s helped by a local Native American and in the end drives off with her kid, hoping to get away from the people who are so intent with getting her child.

This made-for-television movie is definitely a re-working of Rosemary’s Baby and has similar plot-points and is worth seeing only for Zerbe’s performance. He is great at portraying a villain.

Tom Savini’s Chill Factor (2004)

In the premiere episode of this proposed series, entitled Housecall, which takes place on a small farmhouse in 1936, an elderly doctor (Bingo O’Malley, Creepshow, Two Evil Eyes) goes to check on a young man who believes he’s going to transform into someTHING. We’re not sure until the end if he’s really going to change or if he’s simply crazy. The boy’s mother is trying to protect her son and, at his request, has tied him to the bed. She admits to the doctor that strange things have been going on in the area, such as the disappearances of young girls. Is her son responsible? The ending that writer Jeff Monahan has come up with will definitely surprise you. This 25 minute episode had me hooked from the beginning-and it’s far better, both in story and production value, than any episode of Tales from the Darkside or Monsters I’ve seen.The three actors give solid, believable performances. Bingo O’Malley is absolutely perfect as the old doctor. Housecall also shows that Savini is a far more talented director than he is an actor. It’s great that this series gives Savini an opportunity to direct. Housecall gets the highest recommendation I can give a horror film-and I eagerly await to see the other episodes to follow.

Tomb of the Werewolf (2004)

This Fred Olen Ray movie continues the story of Paul Naschy’s Waldemar Walinksy, who was cursed to become a werewolf. And, for the most part, it succeeds in being a decent facsimile of those older films. Although Naschy is now 70 years old they manage to cut off twenty-years with the wig and beard. At first, when they went to the flashback scenes, I thought that they were using footage from some of those older films—-but when Michelle Bauer appeared I realized that this was all new stuff, shot to emulate the old. Pretty cool. It looks exactly like an old Naschy werewolf movie. Unfortunately I wasn’t too keen on the present-day-plot. Walinksky’s present day descendent, who has inherited his castle, lets a reality show television crew to videotape his search for a lost treasure, hidden within its walls. This gives an excuse to get these irritating characters up there, to be killed off one by one. Among them are a TV ‘anchoress’ who looks like Courtney Cox and one of the camera crew who looks like a younger version of Linnea Quigley. This latter character also provides the obligatory lesbian action. Michelle (is she retired/isn’t she retired) Bauer portrays vampire Elisabeth Bathory, who is guarding the castle and Waldemar’s earthly remains. She poses under the guise as the housekeeper. When the present day Walinksy is there, she shows him the hidden treasure in the hidden tomb, which turns out to be this huge silver cross potruding from the skeleton of poor Waldemar. She hypnotizes him into pulling the cross out of the skeleton-and as soon as he does the flesh reforms and the werewolf rises up to tear out his throat. Well, to say that Bauer isn’t the greatest actress isn’t all that new but it does detract a bit from the story, even if that story is intentionally campy. When the moon isn’t full Naschy roams about the castle grounds in human form, still in his old attire. One of the people who see him is a psychic who is brought in, a woman who looks exactly like his wife from several hundred years before. Is she a reincarnate? Only one of the many subplots. Naschy himself does a commendable job and his audio, for once, isn’t dubbed over. He doesn’t say much and it’s in a thick Spanish accent, but they chose to keep his original voice. While it may be among the worst Naschy werewolf movies it’s an obligatory view for anyone who is a fan of the series.

Tomb Raider 2: The Cradle of Life (2003)

Aka Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life. Although I did find this more engaging than the first movie (during which I had fallen dead asleep in the theatre after fifteen minutes!) the premise is a bit more stupid. Lara, seeming like an unemotional female version of James Bond, is after the literal Pandora’s Box. It’s from this from which all life sprang. But along with life the box contains ‘anti-life’ (is it like anti-matter?) which could, of course, destroy all life on Earth if it’s let loose. Although it’s a Greek myth, the box is in a hidden cavern in Africa, guarded by a tribe. It’s also protected by these tree-looking demons, which I suspect may be ‘inspired’ by those walking trees in the second Lord of the Rings movie. This monster sequence is the best part of the movie.

Toolbox Murders (2003)

This is amongst the best Hooper films. It’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre mixed with The Tenant. Angela Bettis’ (May, Carrie) character is on the opposite end of the spectrum for a change, portraying a woman who discovers there’s something weird going on in her apartment building. The building was constructed in the 1920’s and has these weird symbols engraved in the stonework. It turns out that these comprise a spell, which has kept a hidden denizen of the structure ‘alive’ the past century. There’s good acting and plenty of gore. My only complaint is that they should have left the gore sequences uncut in the body of the edited movie. To see them in their entirety you have to go to the ‘Extras’ on the DVD. I suppose this enables them to get an ‘R’ rating, as the Extras aren’t rated. I suppose better that than not seeing them at all.

Tooth & Nail (2007)

This apocalyptic movie reminded me of the 70’s movie The Ultimate Warrior, only without Yul Brynner. The premise is that all the gas has been used up and it rapidly caused society to fall apart and for everyone to either die or kill each other. A group of people, led by a professor named Darwin (Robert Carradine) have banded together and live in an abandoned hospital, which they believe is safe. That is until a woman named Neon (Rachel Miner) is rescued from a band of thugs. Unfortunately, these thugs, which include a guy named Jackal (Michael Madsen sort of reprising his Reservoir Dogs performance) and Mongrel (Vinnie Jones), are cannibals. They start to attack the group each night and take a person (for dinner). There are too many of them so the good guys have to figure out a way to survive.

Although the “twist” at the end could be seen a mile away I didn’t mind, as the movie kept me hooked and the characters were interesting. Ultimately, this is a zombie movie but instead of zombies there is this gang of cannibals called Rovers.

Tooth Fairy (2007)

This paint-by-the-numbers horror movie with a familiar enough villain, along the lines of Darkness Falls. A suburban family moves into an old house in which, years before, an old evil lady with a horribly disfiguring disease had killed many children. She lured them to their deaths by promising them their heart’s desires, in exchange for their teeth, and then snuffed them. Now, she’s come back from the dead to wreak her vengeance on the new owners. The daughter in the family meets a strange, old-fashioned girl in the nearby woods and eventually discovers that this is the ghost of one of the slain children. I think this was the creepiest part of the entire movie. PJ Soles (the original Halloween) has a small part as a psychic and all the other women are good looking blondes. Well, the movie is worth checking out if you’re a fan of Chandra West (White Noise).

Torchwood: Season One (2006)

Gwen Cooper (Eve Myles) is a beat cop in Wales who witnesses something very strange when a slain body is found. She sees members of the mysterious Torchwood bring him back to life. Then, the next day she comes across a strange alien called a “Weevil”, which kills a hospital employee by biting out his neck. Gwen is ultimately hired by Captain Jack Harriman (John Barrowman) when she shows some gumption about finding out what Torchwood is. Torchwood is a secret organization that protects the world against aliens and alien technology. It just so happens that this part of Wales is on a rift, through which this all comes. Other members of the team include Owen, a doctor, Tosh, a computer genius, and Ianto, who seems like the Butler. As for Jack himself— he’s a bisexual immortal time traveler from the 51st Century. His character was first introduced during David Tennant’s stint on Doctor Who.

Gwen ends up taking the place of a member who tried to killer her in that first episode. She also has the worst first day ever, when they investigate a fallen piece of space junk and release an ethereal alien that lives off of orgasms, killing men in the process. It has inhabited a young teenaged girl and Gwen is willing to sacrifice herself in her place because she feels so responsible for the situation to begin with. Then, in another episode, they come across a device that allows to see—and feel— emotional scenes from the past. Owen witnesses a murder that happened forty years earlier. But it also shows the future and Gwen sees something very unpleasant...

Then, we learn Ianto, one of the members of the group, has been keeping a secret. He had saved his girlfriend, who was half-converted into a cyber-man (a Doctor Who reference) and has to deal with that. It does not end well. And then there are the Faeries. They were all once children, though they have transformed into something else entirely. Now they have a “Chosen One”, a child who is to join them in their realm and become one of them. It’s something Captain Jack can’t stop because to prevent it from happening will have dire repercussions for the entire planet. In one of the season’s most unsettling episodes, they go out to the countryside to investigate disappearances by campers. It appears as if it could be because of an alien, like the “Weevils”, but the culprits are all too human. They are cannibals. Owen and Gwen, who had kissed in a previous episode, sleep together. Talk about an unlikely pair. However, Owen has a brief affair with a woman pilot who has time-travelled from the 1950’s through The Rift and is heart-broken when she decides to leave him and fly back through it.

This first season ends with Jack stopping the gigantic, life-sucking demon that comes out of The Rift by letting it overload with his life-force and it seemingly kills him. But, of course, he comes back to life. And just as this happens we hear the familiar sound of Doctor Who’s Tardis, Jack’s face lights up, and then the rest of the group find that he’s gone (this ties in with the third season of Doctor Who, I believe). I’m a fan of Doctor Who but I like Torchwood better because it’s able to take more risks in terms of characters and storytelling.

Torchwood: Season Two (2008)

This second season improves on the first. In the last episode of the first season Jack had disappeared when he heard Doctor Who’s Tardis in the area (the story which is continued in Doctor Who: The Third Series). It’s now some months later and everyone is pissed when he returns since they feel as if he had abandoned them.

And there are two more time-travel incidents, one that has Jack meeting the real Jack Harkness during WWII. This is the soldier whose identity he stole since the guy was killed in action. And that day, Jack realizes, is the following of this meeting. In another episode, a young soldier is brought out of deep freeze one day a year, for an undisclosed reason, and it turns out that Tosh is in love with the guy. When a time-rift opens, that needs to be closed, it’s up to this soldier to help close it. However, this means he’ll die when he’s sent back to the fighting.

In one of the more intriguing episodes, Owen is shot and is resurrected by Jack, via the “Resurrection Glove” seen in the first season. Only it doesn’t bring him back to life— so he’s basically dead but still walking and talking. He starts to be taken over by an entity that has come from the blackness but they manage to make it go away. However, Owen still has to deal with “living” as a dead guy. For example, he breaks his finger—which means it will never heal. This does have an unforseen side effect in that it makes him less an asshole—and he and Tosh (who has a crush on him) become closer.

Gwen gets married, though she’s bitten by an alien shapeshifter the night before and wakes up to find herself nine-pregnant with its child. There’s lots of running around as the alien mother is in disguise as one of the wedding guests.

In one of the season’s more disturbing episodes, Gwen is called in to help find a fourteen year old missing boy by her former police partner and discovers that people are being sucked away by the rift. Since aliens, like the “Weevils” are constantly coming in through the rift, to the Earth, it only makes sense that the opposite has been happening. She wants Jack to investigate and somehow stop this but he’s adamant that he won’t. She comes across a hidden Torchwood facility that has been caring for these people that have begun to return. They are all insane and are all damaged beyond repair.

Captain John Hart (James Marsters of Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Smallville) returns and he sets explosive devices in a building that the Torchwood gang is investigating. Jack discovers, to his horror, that this was all planned out by his long lost brother. In a flashback in a previous episode we saw how Jack’s colony was invaded and attacked by aliens and how his brother was abducted. Now the sibling is evil and wants big brother to pay for all those years of torture.

The season ends on a BIG down note as not one but two of the main characters are killed off. I wasn’t expecting that. And just when you think it can’t get worse for the remaining characters—Season Three comes along....

Torchwood: Children of the Earth (2009)

In this “Third Season” of the show, all the children of the world stop what they are doing and speak in unison, proclaiming “We are coming, we care coming”. Then they resume their activities, as if nothing had happened. Some type of alien is on its way and it terrifies the authorities who know about it. In the meanwhile, the government is trying to kill Jack Harkness, the leader of Torchwood, along with the other two surviving members from Season Two, Gwen and Janko. However, their cool underground base is destroyed and they have to hide out and figure out what’s going on. They want to kill the team because Jack was involved with these aliens the first time around, over forty-years ago.

The authorities are sent instructions to build a chamber in which the alien “ambassador” can appear in, which includes a specific mixture of gases it can breath. When it appears it looks like something out of John Carpenter’s The Thing.

This is a very intense, creepy story, by far the most dire predicament for Torchwood yet. When it’s revealed exactly as to why these repulsive aliens want 10 percent of the Earth’s children, it is something truly horrible. Harkness figures out a way to stop them but he has to make an equally horrible sacrifice to implement his plan. After I watched this I can help but wonder how they can ever have a fourth season of Torchwood. This mini-series changes everything.

Torchwood: Miracle Day (2011)

As with the 6th season of Doctor Who, this 4th season of Torchwood is transplanted to the United States. It’s over a year later from Season Three and Gwen and her husband have had their child and are hiding out in a secluded house in Wales. They are the last of Torchwood and constantly fear for their lives, as they were hunted down in the last season.

The new story begins with a child killer, Oswald Danes (Bill Pullman of Independence Day, Surveillance) being put to death by lethal injection. However, he does not die. In fact, no one is dying. Not anymore. CIA agent Rex Matheson is in a fatal car accident and gets a pole through him, yet he’s able to walk away. He has to gulp down fistfuls of pain killers but he’s miraculously alive. There’s lots of speculation, worldwide, why this is happening.

Another CIA agent, Esther Drummond, tries to contact Torchwood, since it seems that this weird event may have something to do with them. Jack Harkness soon shows up to visit her. They’re almost killed by a bomb—and it’s at this point we find out that Jack is now mortal, while everyone else is immortal. This event does have something to do with him, stemming from a horrible thing that happened to him during the 1927 Prohibition Era. World governments, realizing that this lack of death is going to sorely deplete the planet’s resources, instigate a category system. Those who have “fatal/nonrecoverable conditions, like massive heart-attacks or comas, are sent off to mysterious facilities and never heard from again. They are being cremated. When Gwen’s father is sent there she tries to rescue him.

Ultimately, the source of this “Miracle” is traced to Shanghai, China and Buenos Aires, South America. Here, Jack and Gwen have to make some big sacrifices, which will forever affect Torchwood. I loved these ten episodes. It’s much larger in scope than the previous seasons, has a budget to do it justice and introduces some new characters who will most likely be new Torchwood members in the new year. Highly recommended.

Torture Garden (1967)

In the vein of the original Tales from the Crypt movie, this is about a Circus act that brings people in and shows them their possible fate if they’re not careful to temptation. It’s also the first time I’ve seen Burgess Meredith, Jack Palance and Peter Cushing in the same movie together, which is cool.A group of people enter the tent, are greeted by the showman (Burgess), who seems a bit sinister, and are told about the ‘Shears of Fate’. If they stand before this like-like statue of this woman holding up these huge shears they will be able to see some point in their future. One man sees himself killing his rich uncle-and then finding the source of those riches is a witch. He opens her grave and out of the bones comes this cat-which is her. She can even control his mind. In the end he wants to get away but the cat literally gets his tongue. In the next story a would-be-Hollywood actress is trying to get ahead by trying to blackmail some of the top bigwigs-and boy, has she messed with the wrong people. The secret about them she has is so dangerous that they will kill her once she knows of it. In the next story a young woman falls in love with a concert pianist-but the Piano is jealous of her. When she and the pianist agree to run off together that night, the piano gets her alone in a room and literally attacks her, rolling across the room and pushing her out of a window. The last story, starring Jack Palance as an obsessive Edgar Allen Poe collector, brings the anthology to a decent close. He finds another collector (Peter Cushing), who has some unpublished work by Poe and will not sell it for any amount of money. Palance reads them-and knows they are authentic-but the type of paper they are written on is recent, not from Poe’s time at all. When he accuses Cushing of making them up, Cushing takes him into the background, explaining that the previous collector, his grandfather knew magic and was able to resurrect the writer. And there he sits, looking very pale. The only way he can be released from his imprisonment is if someone would take his place in hell. And Palance, a very crazy Poe fanatic, agrees to the terms. When his experience ends he seems very pleased-and he seems to know exactly who Burgess Meredith is, which by this time is probably no secret-he is The Devil himself. Written by Robert Bloch (Psycho) and directed by Freddie Francis

Total Reality (1998)

A time-travel movie very much influenced by The Terminator. In the future people calling themselves Bridgists rule society. According to their belief system everything must be done for the good of society-and individual freedoms are suppressed. Two rebels (one who has a German accent like Ahnold), who desire freedom, steal a time travel device and take one of the small spaceships back in time, to the 1990’s. Of course, the Bridgists send a group of their own-prisoners who are given little choice but to complete the mission. If they don’t complete their agenda they’ll be killed. It turns out that the rebels are trying to kill a man name Bridges, who wrote the self-help book that this future society is based upon. If they kill him then the Bridgists will never exist. Will they succeed? Will the Bridgist group change their minds and help the rebels, since they don’t like their society, either? Total Reality is a decent enough time travel movie, no worse than Time Cop.

Total Recall (2012)

In the near future the world is uninhabitable because of chemical warfare. The only two places people can live is The United Federation of Britain and The Colony (Australia). The two places are connected by a transportation tube, “The Fall”, that goes through the

planet. The opening scene begins in the midst of action, with a man and woman being pursued by armed soldiers. It ends badly for them—and then he wakes up. It was another bad dream he’s been having lately.
He’s Douglas Quade (Colin Farrell) and he lives with a woman, Lori (Kate Beckinsale) in a small apartment in an incredibly crowded city. He has a factory job making robots and is unsatisfied with his life. A new guy on the assembly line recommends Rekall, where you can go an experience anything in your mind, as they put the memories directly into your brain. Quade goes there and opts for the “Secret Agent” scenario. However, they have to run a test to make sure that none of the stuff he experiences conflicts with anything in his real life. If it’s too similar there’s a risk of his “brain blowing”. As soon as they start doing the procedure an alarm goes off and the manager of the Rekall freaks, out, saying that he’s really a spy. Then, soldiers storm in. Quade’s reflexes kick in and he grabs a gun and ends up killing them all.

He’s then on the run and soon meets up with Melina (Jessica Biel) , the Resistance Fighter who converted him to begin with. His real name is Carl Hauser and he was the top agent for Cohaagen (Bryan Cranston of Breaking Bad), leader of the UFB. Cohaagen’s plan is to take over The Colony with an army of robots and it’s up to Quade/Hauser to stop him. Halfway through a friend shows up and tells him that he’s suffered a dissociative breakand that he’s still strapped into the chair at the Rekall facility. Is this all a dream? Or is is really happening?

Overall, I enjoyed this adaptation of the Philip K. Dick tale. There are some nods to the first movie, such a woman with three breasts, a scene  with the fat woman in the security line and Quade wanting to go to Mars. But everything else is much different. It’s darker and more serious, not as much fun as the Arnold flick.

Total Recall 2070 (1999)

The pilot episodes for this series based on the Arnold movie is much more influenced by Bladerunner than it is Total Recall in terms of production design. The plots revolve around the city police and Recall, which seems to always be involved with some sort of criminal activity. The first hour deals with a story about how Recall is erasing innocent people’s memories and doing such things as taking their children away from them. Then, in the second episode, androids are killing humans and it’s up to one cop and his new partner to find out the reason why. They do-and it’s because they’re implanted with human memories, that tend to fade away, causing them to act irrationally. As these are the only episodes I’ve seen from this short-lived series I can’t say if they ran out of steam or not, but what I saw was intriguing.

Totem  (1999)

This is a decent enough Full Moon Production, about five youths who are trapped at an isolated cabin by an invisible barrier. They were all drawn to the place, though they don’t know why.When the newest arrival, Alma, is able to walk beyond this force-field, , the others follow her-and come upon an old mist enshrouded graveyard. Here they find the Totem, this stone sculpture of these gargoyle creatures. When the first among them is killed the first creature appears and it looks like something out of a Puppet Master movies, though a bit more ferocious.. It was one of the carvings on the totem. For some reason the totem needs half the people to kill the other half so that the other two totems will be released from their prison. They are conveyed information about the carving-that it was made by Vikings to imprison the devils. It also somehow ties into the Bible and American Indian lore, though that seemed a bit stretching it.Still, worth checking out, particularly if you enjoy Full Moon’s diminutive monsters.

Touch of Death, A (1988)

This Lucio Fulci movie is one of his darker ones, about a serial killer who kills off rich women to pay off his bad gambling debts. But each of the women he has to sleep with have some physical problem...like a lot of facial hair or a badly repaired hair lip, which repulses him. And with the extreme close-ups of these things the audience is repulsed as well, so we never feel any sympathy for the victims. In the end, one of the women catches his picture on the news and realizes he is the killer. She shoots him before he can slit her throat. The last scene is of him talking back and forth to his shadow, his ‘dark side’ who tells him it will be over quickly. A gory movie in which all the characters are unlikeable.

Touching Evil (1997)

Robson Green portrays detective Dave Kreegan, who is the newest member of England’s Organized and Serial Crime Unit. A year before he had been shot in the head-and had a near-death experience, which we find out midway through this mini-series. His partner, Susan Taylor (Nikola Walker) complains that he’s not communicative and acts too much on his own, which he does. Kreegan is a loner. He visits his children, who live with his ex-wife, but other than that has no life. So, when he’s on a job he becomes totally immersed in it. The first case he has involves young boys who are kidnapped and then murdered. They aren’t molested in any way, so the killer isn’t a pedophile. Kreegan and the other members of the OSC have to figure out who is doing the killing and why. It turns out to be a college professor who is trying to relive a childhood experience over and over again. When he was twelve-years old he watched his best friend drown to death and did nothing to help him. With these children he abducts he tries to recreate that feeling. There’s very little evidence to convict him of this and in the end they aren’t able to arrest him. But Kreegan knows that he’s guilty and will do it again. So he breaks into the man’s house one night, draws out his gun and is about to kill him-only to find out that the man is already dead, holding a gun and slumped over his desk with a hole in his head. Is it a suicide? Kreegan doesn’t think so because the man had no conscience. It turns out that another member of the team decided to take justice in his own hands-and this taints the next few cases they are working on as this character becomes more and more of a vigilante. Kreegan figures out what’s going on and warns him to turn himself in-but it’s to no avail and the situation eventually turns out horribly. The other two cases involve a nurse who is killing people who had near-death experiences, returning them to what she believes is a far far better place. And she even manages to kill Kreegan for a second time and brings him back. She wants to be caught and killed because she’s unable to kill herself. Yet, how Kreegan deals with her makes her able to do so. In the last case a group of college students are involved in a cult-like game called Amathus, where they are given instructions on a website and have to act them out in real life. The first is to slash a horse and get some of it’s blood on a rag. Everyone does this except one member, who ends up cutting himself to get the blood. They find out and kick him out of the gang, though he fears for his life. The leader of the group is the most obsessed. The instructions for the game get more and more violent and two of the members end up killing people and are arrested. The OSC investigates and finds out that the game mimics the real-life crimes of a prostitute who killed pimps-people who she believed needed to be killed. Kreegan and his partner get her help and are able to track down the man who is responsible for creating the game and stop him from influencing others to kill. But shortly after he’s arrested the vigilante member of the group shoots the guy in the head, in front of all the others. This makes Kreegan realize that he has to become more of a team member-and enables him to deal much more directly with his darker side. This is a really good mini-series. There is a fantastical element in that Kreegan, after being shot in the head, seems more in tune with what’s going on with the murders. Also, the cases they investigate are all very different from each other and all keep you guessing until the end. Two more series were made (5-6 hours each) in 1998 and 1999 called Touching Evil II and III.

Touching Evil (2004)

American version of the British TV series, well, Americanizes the characters quite a bit. Robson Green portrayed Detective Kreegan as somewhat impulsive but otherwise subdued, as if he was always thinking too much. Jeffrey Donovan, on the otherhand, plays him as crazy, as a brain-damaged detective. It’s a much more ‘in your face’ approach, I’d say. Also, everything is laid out in a very linear manner. It’s not until a ways into the first episode of the original series that we find out Kreegan was shot in the head and actually died for ten minutes. In the US, Kreegan is shown getting shot in the first scene and having an out-of-body experience as the doctors operate on him. His partner, Branca, is cast totally opposite from the UK version as well, being blonde and waifish. The story is pretty much the same, though much more time is put on Kreegan’s ‘craziness’ than it is on the serial killer who has kidnapped several children. The killer isn’t nearly as intelligent or downright creepy as the original as well. This American take on the series isn’t bad but it pales in comparison to the source material. I’ll have to watch the rest of the first season’s episodes to see how much the stories have been changed around...

Tower of Evil (1972)

Two English fisherman take their boat through the fog to a lighthouse on a secluded island. They find the slain bodies of a man and a woman within-and one of them is killed by a crazed young woman wielding a gold weapon.There’s an investigation by the authorities and there’s no explanation of what happened. The young woman, the only survivor, is only able to recall events through a special form of hypnosis-and the viewer is shown, via flashbacks, what really happened. Did she kill her companions or is there someTHING living on the island. The surviving fisherman has all the answers but doesn’t divulge any of the information until the end, but by then many people are killed. It’s revealed that the lighthouse was built atop an ancient burial site of the ancient Phoenicians, who worshipped a fertility god named Baal. And perhaps the power of this god has influenced whatever it is that lives on the island. Tower of Evil is a really good movie. It can best be described as an 80’s slasher flick as if done by Hammer Studios. Also known as Horror of Snape Island and Beyond the Fog.

Track 16 (2001)

Although this is more of a murder/mystery than a horror film it does involve a serial killer. While recording a song for his new album singer/musician Paul Matthews (Billy Franks) realizes he has also recorded the sounds of a woman being murdered on one of the song’s tracks—a murder that is happening right outside the recording studio’s doors! When he gets enough nerve to open the door he sees the dead girl covered in blood. The police soon arrive and believe he has something to do with it. He pleads innocent. But the police dig up some dirt on Matthews—and there’s always the sense that he’s hiding something. Is he the killer? Or maybe it’s the female cop who has developed a more than professional interest in Matthews? I can’t tell you too much. Mick McCleery’s Track 16 is a prime example of a true independent movie—done totally outside the mainstream system. The digital image is very crisp and there’s over two hours of extras on the DVD, including a 1 hour storyteller video, deleted scenes from the movie and out-takes.

Trail of a Serial Killer (1998)

Chris Penn and Michael Madsen meander through this stereotypical serial killer movie (probably because they both had a weekend free and had alimony to pay). Both characters are obsessed with finding the killer, who seems to be targeting members of a phobia support group. One by one the patients are picked off—and by the time the duo realize it’s the therapist (what do movies have against therapists?) it’s too late. The only thing slightly different about this serial killer film is that the killer is a female, made implausible when we see her tackling Penn, who must be five times her weight.

Trailer Park of Terror (2008)

The story begins in 1981 in a trailer park in the middle of nowhere, where Norma (Nichole Hiltz), a beautiful young woman, is excited about going on a date with her new boyfriend. He is much wealthier than her neighbors and seems to care about her. But she’s interrupted by the trailer park trash who hold her down and accidentally kill her boyfriend, who is impaled on a fence post. Distraught, she walks away and encounters a mysterious man who is clearly The Devil in a cowboy hat (Trace Adkins). He hands her a shotgun, which she soon uses. She kills everyone in the trailer park and lights the gas main. Everything burns to the ground. Then, in 2008, a group of bible study kids get in an accident one stormy night and stumble upon this isolated trailer park which is inhabited by Norma and other characters from 1981. Norma still looks to be the same age but she’s clearly not a ghost. When some of the rednecks show up, sans flesh, it’s clear they are more or less zombies. And they go after the kids one by one, doing the devil’s bidding. This is a fun anthology movie, along the lines of Creepshow and Tales From the Darkside. Recommended.

Train (2009)

I’m not sure how this one slipped past me. Maybe it’s the title or the nondescript dvd box. Regardless, this is an intense, “Horror-torture” flick that could easily be called Hostel 3. The only difference is that it takes place on a train. A co-ed American college wrestling team is competing in Russia. After a meet a group of friends are invited to a local party by a Russian guy from another team. So rather than staying in their hotel room for the night, in preparation for an early train departure, they all sneak out and go to the party. But they get lost on the way back and miss their train to Odessa, much to the dismay of their coach, who waited behind for them. Luckily, a Russian woman informs them that her train goes through Odessa. So they board her train and everything is okay at first. When two creepy workers ask for everyone’s passports and then burn them a short time later, it’s clear that they aren’t getting off this train. Another hint are all the crippled and disfigured people who are passengers.

The Russian woman approaches the coach at dinner and they go back to his cabin, for what he thinks will be a good time. She knocks him out with a syringe. When he awakens, strapped to an autopsy table, a mean looking bald guy is removing his organs. When he starts to scream the guy snips off his tongue and plops it into a jar. The college students are in another car, playing a game of “Truth or Dare”. One of them is dared into running to the end of the train and back, in his underwear. He doesn’t come back, which begins to worry his girlfriend, Alex (Thora Birch). So she investigates and discovers that everyone else on the train is involved in these murders...

As I said, this is one intense movie. In fact, the movie’s intro credits are intercut with a guy being skinned alive. If you enjoy Turistas, the Saw and Hostel series, you will love this.

Trancers 6 (2002)

Trancers 6 is a no-win situation, as it’s much lower in budget and is lacking the Star of the series, Tim Thomerson, who was very entertaining in the role. This aside, though, director Jay Woelfel (Beyond Dream’s Door, Ghost Lake) does a commendable job of pulling it off. Jack Deth’s “spirit” is sent back in time into the body of his daughter, Josephine Forrest (Zette Sullivan), a bookish, vegetenarian woman. Those pesky Trancers are appearing again and it might have something to do with a trange meteor that crashed nearby. Immediately, the woman’s behavior changes with Deth in control, which is funny because she really does behave like a guy, something that’s not easy to pull off for an actress. The story is interesting enough, the main character, “Jo Deth”, is memorable enough that I’d like to see her in a Trancers 7.

Transformers (2007)

Here it is - the best Summer Movie of 2007. After all these years, after all the hype, a Transformers live-action movie finally makes it to the screen—and it delivers the goods.

The premise is that the All Spark cube, which can create life from nothing, has been lost somewhere on Earth and the Autobots and Decepticons are after it. The Decepticons, led by the evil Megatron, want it to destroy all life on Earth and the Autobots want it to restore life to their destroyed world. The movie begins with a teenager named Sam who gets his first car, a beat-up yellow Camaro, which turns out to be one of the Transformers, named Bumblebee. It’s not by chance that the living robots have found him, because he holds the key as to where the All Spark is located. There’s also a girl named Mikaela who gets sucked into the adventure - and she’s the potential love-interest of nerdy Sam.

The special effects are amazing, particularly the Decepticons that transform into aircraft. The story is also solid and you care what happens to the characters, which is always a plus. The only thing negative I have to say is that it’s about twenty-minutes too long...maybe one or two too many car/truck/helicopter chases. Otherwise, check it out. Transformers is an epic movie.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

Except for the first five minutes, which take place 19,000 years ago, this overly long sequel is a complete bore. It rehashes everything from the first movie and although it probably outdoes the special effects, more doesn’t mean better.

Friend of the Transformers, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf), goes off to college and away from his girlfriend Mikaela (Megan Fox) for two days before he starts getting these weird images in his mind. The Fallen, which are those Decepticons who stayed on Earth from their first invasion in prehistoric times, rescue Megatron from his prison on the bottom of the ocean and wage a worldwide war that can’t be kept secret.

The big battle ends up being in Egypt, at the site of the three Great Pyramids, and it’s a battle that gos on and on and on. One of the problems is that all the Decepticons pretty much look alike. A bigger problem is that there’s no sense of danger because you know they aren’t going to really kill off Sam or the Optimus Prime, the leader of the Transformers. And while I can believe there’s an alien race of intelligent robots I can’t honestly believe that Megan Fox would be with a guy like Shia LaBeouf.

The novelty of seeing a live-action Transformers movie has definitely worn off.

Transgression (1994)

A woman anchor, complete with some serious emotional problems, becomes obsessed with a serial killer who is prowling the city, communicating with him by phone until that fateful day when he kidnaps her and viscerally shows her what it’s like to BE a killer. And some of his deadly lesson sticks. From this moment on she is forever changed...and slowly starts to become a killer herself. DiPaolo’s style is uncompromising at times and the non-linear structure of the movie succeeds in creating the disturbing tone. Although this is another serial killer movie it is perhaps one of the best of its genre.

Transmutations (1986)

Denholm Elliott portrays a twisted biochemist who has created a legion of mutated humans from a new addictive drug he has created. Although the drug expands their minds and gives them ecstasy it horribly disfigures them. A kidnapped prostitute named Nicole, who services the doctor, is given the drug by the creatures. Although it expands her mind, giving her psychic powers, it does not transform her into a monster. Now, the doctor wants her back and hires a man named Bain to retrieve her. But Bain was once in love with Nicole, which complicates matters. Although there are some decent special effects with the creatures and a meltdown sequence obviously inspired by that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark (around which time this movie was released to video), this movie is extremely ponderous in its pacing and you never get involved with the characters. Co-written by Clive Barker, with an early appearance by Miranda Richardson as one of the mutations.

Transiberian (2008)

This has the same displaced tourist feel movies such as Hostel and Turistas provoke. A “normal” American couple, Roy (Woody Harrelson) and Jessie (Emily Mortimer) are traveling from China to Moscow on train, after working with their church group. They meet a young couple on board but they are hiding something, which has to do with transporting drugs. There’s a Russian detective (Ben Kingsley) on their trail. But Roy and Jessie gets separated at one of the stops—and the next day she goes with the drug-dealer Spanish guy to see an old church. They start making out but she has second thoughts and end up bashing him in the head with a stick, killing him. She goes back alone and is reunited with her husband. She doesn’t say a word about this, until they encounter the detective who is looking for the drug dealers.

This is one of those movies that gets worse and worse for the characters as it progresses. Transiberian will definitely keep you glued to the screen. Directed by Brad Anderson.

Trapped (2002)

Typical Hollywood fare, with Kevin Bacon as a kidnapper and Charlize Theron (Mighty Joe Young) as the frantic mother, who has to do what he says. The first half is okay but soon degenerates into a very predictable scenario. There’s also an ‘alternate ending’ on the DVD, which sucks more than the one they used. I think the title of the movie reflects how you feel when watching it...

Trapped Ashes (2009)

A group of six people, on a VIP Tour of an old movie studio backlot, asks their tour guide (Henry Gibson) to take them to the “Hysteria” haunted house set. He warns them that it may be dangerous but agrees. It turns out that all of the special effects in the old house are real and they all find themselves trapped in a strange room that changes its position in the house. This is the very same room in which the notorious director, Desmond Hacker, had forced his cast to tell their true horror stories, recalling their most horrifying moments. So the tour guide suggests that’s how they might get out, by telling their own personal horror stories. And this got me to thinking that this tour guide probably isn’t really a tour guide. These wraparound segments are directed by Joe Dante (The Howling).

In the first story, The Girl with the Golden Breasts, a hopeful actress who looks like a cross between Sarah Michelle Gellar and Alicia Silverstone is frustrated that she’s not getting any callbacks. That is, until she goes to a plastic surgeon and gets some strange breast implants made from human cadavers. She immediately begins getting work. But there’s a catch—her breasts are vampires and they need to be fed! I found those lamprey eel-like nipples very unsettling. Director Ken Russell also portrays one of the creepy plastic surgeons, Nurse Lucy.

In Jibaku (directed by Sean Cunningham) a guy recalls a business trip to Japan with his wife and how she becomes involved with a dead guy/demon and transforms into a monster. This is pretty cool because it does a good blending with live-action and anime. The scenes with her having sex with the zombie are repulsive, almost like something out of the Necromantik movies. In  My Twin, the Worm , a young woman talks about how her pregnant mother had a huge tape-worm growing in her the same time she was pregnant—and how the two of them became friends in her womb. In “Stanley’s Girlfriend”, a washed up screenwriter named Leo (John Saxon) talks about the worst mistake of his life, when he became involved with his best friend’s gilfriend. This is all told in a flashback and Tahmoh Penikett (Dollhouse) portrays the young Leo.

This is down and out one of the most entertaining horror anthologies in years, along the lines of the Amicus Films from the 70’s. Don’t be fooled by the crappy DVD box and the generic title. Trapped Ashes is highly recommended.

Trauma (2004)

Ben (Colin Firth) wakes up from a coma after a car accident. He finds out that his wife is dead and that she’s already been buried by her family. He moves to a new flat (this is England), where his landlady is Mena Suvari (American Pie, American Beauty). Around this time the body of a famous female pop star is found, murdered. The police do a re-enactment and Ben happens to walk through this. As it turns out, he’s a prime suspect for the slaying-and it’s revealed that he’s been a stalker in his past-a stalker of this particular singer. Things continue to unravel for Ben-he can’t think straight and he imagines that he’s seeing his dead wife. Then, when Charlotte (Mena Suvari) takes him to a local psychic, she tells him that his wife isn’t dead at all. Is Ben having a selective memory? Is his wife really dead? And, for that matter, is his more than understanding landlady a real person or a figment of his imagination? Is he a murderer?This is one of those movies where you’re taken on a journey of what it is to be crazy, so it’s not the most pleasant viewing experience. It does have a good, satisfying ending, though, as these types of movies usually don’t.

Tremors 3 (2001)

Although not as entertaining as the previous two Tremors movies this is an adequate sequel that completes the trilogy. Michael Gross returns as Burt, who returns to the town of Perfection (where the Graboids originated) to find out that a real estate developer wants to start building homes—and disrupting the townspeople’s small town way of life. We see that the town has become somewhat of a tourist trap, with tours and fluffy Graboid toys. Yet some of the giant worms have returned—and after assuming their second, walking form, metamorphose into a third type of creature—which can fly. Just how they fly is rather hilarious. If you’re not expecting too much you’ll enjoy this third outing.

TREMORS: THE SERIES (2003)

My biggest worry about this show was how they’d be able to pull off Tremors in weekly installments without it getting repetitious-and after viewing the first two hour episodes I think they may have solved that problem.In the first episode we’re introduced to the characters of Perfection, Nevada, a few of which have survived the movies (like survivalist Burt Gummer). He rescues a young man from being eaten by ‘El Blanco’, the last surviving Graboid (50 foot man-eating Pre-Cambrian worm), who is now a protected species by the United States Government. The residents of Perfection are allowed to live in their town as long as they can prove El Blanco isn’t a threat-and they’re restricted from harming the monster by Federal Law. So it’s a precarious existence. In the opening hour, ‘El Blanco’ is on a rampage, which is due to someone stimulating it’s hunger with radio waves, in hopes of driving the townspeople out of town so developers can put up a mall. In the second episodes we’re introduced to a scientist (Christopher Lloyd) who used to work at a secret, hidden government agency in Perfection that did biological experiments. And one of those experiments involved a device called ‘Mix Master’, which is able to combine DNA from different animal species and the bacteria monster in this second episode was created by that.  The ‘Mix Master’ is used to create a lot of the other monsters in the show, just as Buffy the Vampire Slayer uses ‘The Hellmouth’ to explain all the supernatural activity in Sunnydale. Recommended.

Tremors 4: The Legend Begins (2003)

I liked this Tremors much better than the other sequels. Any movie that takes place in the Old West and has monsters already has a few points in favor in my book.At the beginning of the film 17 miners are massacred in the silver mines of Rejection, Nevada by some unknown creature. Practically everyone leaves the small town for other work, leaving behind a core group of settlers, which include a woman who owns the hotel, an American Indian, a surviving miner and a Chinese family who own the drugstore. They all parallel characters that we’ve seen in the present day. Then, the owner of the silver mine comes to town—Hyram Gummer, who is the great great grandfather of the weapon happy Burt Gummer of the present. This man is the complete opposite of his present day descendent. He’s city-bred, rich, likes to take advantage of people and can’t even shoot a gun or ride a horse. It turns out that he’s also quite broke, as his family invested all their money in this failed mine. He decides to investigate the mine with a few other people-and discovers that they were killed by these four-foot long grub things, which are the graboids in immature form. Half the guys are killed-and the other half realize that if they stay on rocky ground the dirt emerging creatures can’t get to them. Gummer, determined to get his mine back, hires a gun-fighter to kill the creatures, only to find out that they’ve grown another ten feet in length within a week. Now the creatures look like the graboids from the films.But how will the townsfolk, armed with weapons of the 1880’s defeat these huge creatures? The answer is pretty interesting. And it is also explained why no one has heard of the creatures in the subsequent years, which lead up to Tremors 1. This is a fun movie.

Trial of the Incredible Hulk, The (1989)

This movie starts off with a very hermit like, depressed and bearded Banner getting beat up by some migrant workers. He leaves this job and goes into the city where he gets mixed up with some criminals on a subway. They start harassing a woman he’s sitting next to, he tells them to stop, they don’t. They push him around and he changes into the Hulk. The two criminals freak out-and escape when the subway stops-but they knock the woman out and shoot an innocent bystander. The Hulk flees the scene of the crime, through the underground subway system, only to be caught by the police by the time he transforms back into banner. Banner is locked up, awaiting trial, and is appointed a lawyer, who turns out to be Matt Murdock (Rex Smith), aka Daredevil. Murdock can sense Banner is telling the truth and wants to prove that the two men who actually committed the crime were working for the Kingpin (John Rhys-Davies).Rex Smith is good as Murdock—but the costume for Daredevil really sucks ass. It’s basically a black body stocking with these goggles. The costume in the recent Daredevil movie is a thousand times better. Banner transforms into the Hulk in prison and breaks free-and Murdock finds out that it’s really a transformed David Banner. In turn, Daredevil entrusts him with his secret. After Daredevil falls into a trap and is severely beaten by Kingpin’s men, Banner nurses him back to health-and in doing so is able to get out of his own slump. He wants to help people again. There’s a confrontation with Kingpin, Hulk and Daredevil fighting side by side, though the villain narrowly escapes at the end in a strange, Jetson-like aircraft. I liked this better than Return of the Incredible Hulk  because it’s so much more serious and similar in tone to the television series. And the transformation from Banner to Hulk is done slightly differently, which I thought interesting. Directed by Bill Bixby.

Triangle (2009)

Jess (Melissa George of Amityville Horror, Roar) is a troubled mother with an autistic son who goes on a day cruise on a friend’s Yacht. Along for the ride is a couple and their female friend. Everything is a bit uncomfortable, as she only knows her friend. Things become worse, however, when they encounter a weird storm which capsizes the yacht. The weather clears up and out of the fog emerges a big old ship. They manage to climb aboard and find that it is deserted. Yet they thought they saw someone on deck as they were paddling over to it in their rubber raft. The ship is from the 1930’s and is running. There’s even food in one of the banquet rooms. It’s as if everyone suddenly vanished. Then, they see glimpses of someone running down the halls and noises of their footsteps. And the killings begin. Why does someone want to kill them? And why does Jess have the dreaded feeling that she has experienced all of this before?

They are caught in a weird time loop, though Jess is the only one who realizes what is happening. When she tries explaining it to the others they think she is crazy—and by then it’s too late and it starts over again. But she thinks she may be able to stop it all, which leads to the whole scenario of someone wanting to kill them all. There are some truly unsettling scenes, especially one in which is becomes clear they’ve all been here a few dozen times before....

This time travel movie is along the lines of Time Crimes. In fact, it so closely parallels that movie, down to the sack cloth masks, that this could be a sequel to that film. And while it’s not a Bermuda Triangle movie—the title refers to the name of the yacht—the Triangle, it thematically follows those flicks. Highly recommended.

Triangle, The (2005)

This Bryan Singer/Dean Devlin produced mini-series for the Sci-Fi Channel is about four hours too long. Everything could have been neatly tied up in a two hour movie. A rich shipping tycoon (Sam Neill) wants to discover why his ships keep disappearing in the Bermuda Triangle and puts together a team of experts to solve that mystery. It turns out to be an experiment gone awry, causing different realities to happen. There’s also some time-travel integral to the end of the plot. The only thing that really stands out from this soaker is Lou Diamond Phillip’s performance as a man caught in the middle of all this.

Tribe, The (1974)

A tribe of Cro-Magnon hunters are introduced via a narrator, which gives the movie a documentary feel and makes you feel as if you’re watching a real, primitive tribe.

Matis (Victor French) is the leader and he has a wife and two children. His wife is the fire keeper and his father, the oldest member of the tribe, is the toolmaker. There is also the newest member, Goran, the sole survivor of his own tribe, who Matis took in a few months before. They are on their way to warmer lands. While hunting boar they come across a lone mammoth and in the hunt Matis is accidently speared by one of his own mean. It paralyzes his legs. He wants the rest of his tribe to leave him, as is the rule of his tribe, but they won’t. Goran carries him back to camp. That night Matis tells the others that Goran is the new leader. Goran had been the leader of his own tribe of eight, but they were attacked by twenty ferocious Neanderthals, who not only killed everyone but ate them. Matis makes Goran promise to leave him behind in the morning, as he’s useless and doesn’t want to endanger his tribe. So the tribe leaves when he is sleeping. That day Matis waits for death by a dying fire, until two panthers find him. He isn’t able to give up so easily and he spears one and clubs another when they get too near. And the paralyses starts to go away, so much so that he is able to walk in the morning. He heads off after his tribe, who has at least a day’s lead.

Meanwhile, in the tribe, Matis’ mate and his teenaged daughter are both interested in Goran, though it’s just talk at this point. While picking berries the daughter encounters a Neanderthal hunter, who offers her a rabbit and then starts dragging her to his camp. Goran comes along and manages to wound the caveman, but he escapes and goes back to his own tribe. By that night Matis makes it to his tribe—but on the way spies the Neanderthal camp and the escaped, wounded hunter telling them about his encounter with the Cro-Magnons. Once Matis relays this information, Goran says they’ll attack at first light, so they prepare.

In the morning the fur-covered Neanderthals attack but the tribe is ready. They are up on a ledge and throw down large rocks, chasing them off. However, Goran, still having survivor’s guilt from when they attacked his own tribe, goes down and starts attacking them—and they end up killing him. As you can imagine, this saddens the rest of the tribe, particularly Matis, as this was his good friend. The tribe continues on their trek across the ice-age landscape.

The Tribe is truly one of the best movies about prehistoric man, well acted and entirely believable. A big reason for this is that they act and talk “normal” and you feel as if you’re watching real people. The Neanderthal makeup is also very cool. I’d say it’s better than both Quest for Fire and 10,000 B.C.

Trick ‘R Treat (2009)

This is one of the best Halloween themed movies out there. Four different stories interconnect on Halloween night. It begins with a couple (Leslie Bibb of Iron Man, Midnight Meat Train and Tahmoh Penikett of Dollhouse, Battlestar Galactica) pulling down their Halloween decorations after all the neighborhood kids have gone through—which may not be a good idea. There’s a girl, Laurie (Anna Paquin of Trueblood), who is reluctantly going out partying with her older sister (Lauren Lee Smith of Mutant X). Her costume is Little Red Riding Hood, which turns out to be very ironic. There’s a story about a group of kids who go down to the bottom of a haunted quarry, where a busload of “special” kids drowned long ago. And there’s the mild-mannered neighbor who likes to kill people. And the spirit of Samhain appears as a very real character. The stories are presented in a non-linear fashion, which keeps you guessing as to how they all fit together, but the payoff for each of them is great. This anthology that’s up there with Creepshow, the original Tales from the Crypt movie.

Tripper, The (2007)

David Arquette’s directorial debut, The Tripper, is Friday the 13th meets The Republican Party. The premise is that a group of pseudo hippies go up to a concert in the Redwood forest to listen to music and drop a lot of acid. The main character is a blonde, who has just broken up from her unlikely boyfriend (Balthazar Getty). He wears a suit and is as opposite from these hippies as you can get. In fact, it’s seems as if he may indeed be the serial killer. And the killer, by the way, wears a Ronald Reagan mask when he kills with an ax or chainsaw - and his killer dog’s name is Nancy. There’s plenty of gore, some good chainsaw murders and lots of weirdness. It’s a good slasher movie for the 21st Century, smart and knowing it’s predecessors well. Perhaps a better title, though, would have been ‘President’s Day’?

Troll Hunter (2010)

The latest in the shot-on-video faux documentary found footage genre is about a group of college students, working on a video project, who stumble across a hunter who happens to be working in “Troll control”. You see, the mythical creatures actually exist and the Norwegian government has done its best to keep this knowledge from the public. In a State park bears are blamed for local animal killings—but it’s really these creatures. They follow the hunter deep into the woods—and he starts running towards them, shouting “Troll! Troll!”. One of the students is clawed by something, though he doesn’t see what it is. When they go back to their car it is tipped on its side and destroyed. Later that night they are shocked when they witness this huge, twenty-foot tall three headed creature pursuing them. The hunter turns on a portable UV light and turns it to stone. Later, we learn that the species cannot process vitamin D and the younger Trolls explode when exposed to sunlight while the older ones quickly calcify, seeming to turn to stone. They also hate anything involving Christians, which poses a problem for one of the students later...

The movie starts off rather slowly but picks by the middle, one the hunter starts volunteering information and revealing secrets. There’s a harrowing sequence when they go into what seems to be an abandoned troll den but are trapped there when half a dozen of them return to sleep. And the last half-hour of the movie involves a truly humongous creature that’s bigger than King Kong. Recommended.

Tron: Legacy (2010)

Sam Flynn doesn’t want to run the soft-ware company founded by his father, Kevin Flynn (Jeff Bridges). He’s given a beeper by his father’s friend, Alan Bradley (Bruce Boxleitner, who portrayed Tron in the first movie) and this leads him to an old arcade. It’s here that he crosses over to the virtual world his father created—and meets a whole slew of weird characters, including his father’s doppelganger, Clu. Clu now rules this land and he’s ruthless. Sam is forced to play in some games and is rescued by Quorra (Olivia Wilde) a woman who takes him to his father. He’s glad to see his son but is not so receptive. Basically, the hero has to prevent the end of the world, as this digital world may invade ours and destroy it. While by no means a great movie, this sequel is far far far better than the first Tron movie, which I was always bored to death with. The best improvement is that I don’t feel as if I’m watching an antiquated video game.

Tru Calling (2003)

The first hour-long episode of this new Fox weekly Supernatural TV series was just okay. The idea is that a young medical student by the name of Tru (Eliza Dushku of BUFFY), who is doing an internship at the City Morgue, is able to communicate with the dead. In this episode a body comes in of a young woman who has a gunshot to her head. The body turns to her and says ‘help me’. Then, everything goes backwards in time for a day, so that Tru ends up at the beginning of the previous day. Which gives her just enough time to prevent this woman’s murder.I think the biggest problem is that this show reminds me of too many other television series, like Seven Days or Early Edition. Nothing spectacular this time around, either.

Tru Calling: The Complete Second Season (2005)

Yes, all six episodes here, in this dvd set. Eliza Dushku is Tru Davies, who relives each day after a corpse asks for her help. Then, she has to try to prevent that person’s death. The problem is that there’s another person with a similar power, Jack (Jason Priestley), who wants to keeps things the same and let them die. It turns out that he’s working for Tru’s father (Cotter Smith of Nightstalker series), who had the same power he had. Tru’s mother had her power.

The second season has Tru in Medical school, so there’s a new group of friends, which replaces her friend A.J (Lindsay Walker), who left town the end of last season. And Davis (Zach Galifianakis), her boss at the morgue, has a love interest, the new psychologist Carrie Allen (Liz Vassey of The Tick), who is up to no good and is somehow associated with bad guy Jack. It’s too bad this series was cancelled just as it was getting more interesting and established more of a mythology for the show.

Trueblood: Season One (2008)

This is an interesting vampire show from creator Alan Ball (Six Feet Under), based on the series of novels by Charlaine Harris. The premise is that vampires are “out of the closet” since a synthetic blood called Tru Blood, was created by the Japanese. This new population of the undead wants the rights afforded every other American citizen and we mostly see this through the television programs the characters watch.

I found the main character of Sookie Stackhouse (Anna Paquin) somewhat irritating in the first several episodes but she kind of grows on you. She’s a waitress who can read minds—and when she meets the town’s newest resident, Bill Compton, she is immediately attracted to him because she can’t read his mind. Bill, by the way, is also a vampire who has been around since the Civil War. The supporting characters include Sookie’s best friend Tara, Sookie’s brother Jason, who is a sex addict, and Sam Merlotte, who owns the bar she works in and who is in love with her.

Women are being killed in the town and it’s suspected that Bill or some other vampire is responsible, though their blood is not drained. It’s a serial killer—and it is someone no one suspects. There is also a shape-shifter afoot. The funniest thing about the show is the way vampire Bill says her name, Sookie, which sounds obscene.

Bill shows his devotion to her when he walks through daylight, burning to a crisp all the way, as he tries to save her from a serial killer who is after her. In the last few episodes Michelle Forbes (Battlestar Galactica: Razor) makes an appearance as a potential villain who has a past relationship with Sam.

Trueblood is a fun, addictive show, very much a nod to the original Dark Shadows.

Trueblood: Season Three (2010)

Begins exactly where the Second Season ended, with vampire Bill Compton asking Sookie Stackhouse to marry him. But he’s kidnapped by what seems like a gang of thugs. We soon learn they are werewolves who are addicted to vampire blood. When we see them transform they are real wolves with glowing eyes. There are flashbacks to Erick Northman’s past and we learn he saw these same werewolves back in World War II. Werewolves which are working for a vampire. It’s this very same vampire that killed Eric’s parents a thousand years earlier and he’s always wanted revenge. Once he discovers who that vampire is, he puts his revenge in motion.

Sookie’s brother, Jason, falls in love with a poor white trash girl whose family/relatives can transform into panthers. And Sam Merlotte is reunited with his biological family—and they are trouble! By the end of the season we discover that Sam isn’t as innocent as depicted in the previous two seasons. He has definitely done some bad things. The most important revelation, however, is what type of creature Sookie turns out to be. This is the reason why vampires are so attracted to her. Although this is one of my favorite current series on television I didn’t find it quite as engaging as Season Two, which was the best so far.

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil (2010)

Dale (Tyler Labine of Reaper, Invasion) and Tucker (Alan Tudyk of Firefly, Dollhouse) are two good-natured rednecks who are on vacation at a mountain cabin they inherited. However, there’s a group of college kids camping in the area who are afraid of them, presumably because they’ve seen too many movies like The Hills Have Eyes and Deliverance. Through a series of mishaps these students begin dying in horrible ways, though Tucker and Dale have nothing to do with their deaths. But the survivors think the duo do. In one of the more memorable scene Tucker is using a wood chipper machine near the cabin and one of the youths tries to attack him. Instead, he ends up running headfirst into the grinding machine, turning him into hamburger. Will Tucker and Dale survive these crazy, misguided students? Or will they all kill themselves and take care of the problem? This hilarious premise is successfully pulled off by the performances of the two leads.

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil is one of the more clever spoofs of the “Slasher Movie” sub-genre, up there with Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006).

Tucker’s Witch (1981)

Only ten episodes were made of this husband and wife detective team, starring Tim Matheson (Wolf Lake) and Catherine Hicks (Star Trek: The Voyage Home), sort of like a cross between Hart to Hart and Bewitched. The premise is that Jake Tucker’s wife was born with witch powers and she sometimes gets visions or premonitions, which help them in their cases. More often than not they figure out the connection once the case it almost solved. Barbara Barrie is the mother-in-law.

In the first episode Ted Danson portrays the head of a video dating service who is also a serial killer, other episodes involve a rich guy killing his wife, blackmail via computers (this is when people were first using computers in a widespread way), and I think it’s kind of funny how Jake takes this all in stride about his wife, more often than not dismissing her powers, and how every episode ends with them in bed, about ready to have sex. She always uses her ability to turn off the bedroom lights.

Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal (2003)

Death Metal Superstar Slade Craven is performing a concert aboard a 747, which gets hijacked by a group of devil worshippers who want to crash the plane, and according to a prophecy, provoke the end of the world. Whew. One of the hijackers impersonates Slade, who later escapes and tries to stop the cult members. There’s a great performance by Rutger Hauer as the plane’s pilot. Also aboard are Craig Sheffer (Nightbreed) and Gabrielle Anwar (Body Snatchers).This is a very entertaining movie worth checking out.

Turistas (2006)

I had thought this was going to be along the lines of Hostel or Saw, and was pleasantly surprised when it turned out to be more an adventure/thriller movie than anything else. A group of tourists narrowly escape death on a bus when it goes over a cliff, only to become targets by a local Brazilian doctor who wants to harvest their organs. This guy is nuts. There are a few gory scenes, the script and acting are strong and it’s an entertaining movie.

Turok: Son of Stone (2008)

This animated feature adapts the Dell/Gold Key comic book character to a modern audience and does it extremely well.

As a young warrior Turok is cast out of his tribe after he almost kills his own brother during a battle with a warring tribe. Sixteen years later his nephew, Andar, finds him and asks for his help in defending the tribe, which is under attack by that same enemy tribe, lead by evil tyrant Chichak. Turok refuses at first, but ends up in the fight towards the end, though most of his people are slaughtered. The survivors are Andar and his mother. The trio flee into a cavern and emerge out into a prehistoric land inhabited by cavemen and dinosaurs. Chichak followes them there and is determined to slay them. He manages to become leader of a tribe of cannibalistic neanderthals after killing their leader.

Turok and his group encounter monstrous sea creatures living in the lakes and rivers, a dangerous Carnatosaurus. And then they come across the most unexpected thing of allâ€”a tribe of Native Americans living in this lost land, a tribe who is descended from Turok’s very own people. Turok, once a loner, now has to protect his people against Chichak and his warmongering cavemen.

The animation is good and the movie is surprisingly violent and bloody, definitely intended for those older Turok fans. In fact, I think this movie is the best adaptation of the comic that’s possible. Turok: Son of Stone is a treat.

Twelve Monkeys (1995)

James Cole (Bruce Willis) is a prisoner in the future. His society lives underground because a man-made virus has killed off everyone above ground. He’s recruited by the scientists to get samples on the surface—and we see a city overrun by nature and inhabited by bears and lions. Then he’s asked to volunteer for another, more complicated mission— to go back in time and get a sample of the virus before it mutants. Once they get this they can work on a cure and perhaps reclaim the surface world.

Yet things go awry and Cole ends up in a mental institution. It’s here he meets Doctor Kathryn Railly (Madeleine Stowe), who later helps him, and inmate Jeffrey Goines (Brad Pitt). Cole realizes they had sent him back in time a few years too early—and so they yank him back. On the second trip he has just enough time to stop the “Army of the Twelve Monkey”, who the scientists think is responsible for unleashing the deadly plague. And Goines is the one in charge of this organization. Cole feels responsible because he planted the idea in Goines’ head all those years ago, which means he’s responsible for the near extinction of the human race.

This is one of the better time-travel movies out there and though fifteen years old hold up over time, no pun intended.

23 Hours (2001)

Set in a retro-50’s future, this film follows the life of Nick Miles, who works a humdrum job in a drab office and leads a rather boring, repetitive life. That is, until he discovers he has missing time he can’t account or. Every night at 3:00 a.m he blanks out and can’t recall what happens. Slowly but surely he does some investigating and soon some “Men in Black” type guys are after him. He eventually discovers the truth and it’s something rather surprising. And damn cool. Part The Hidden, part The Thirteenth Floor, albeit on a low-budget, 23 Hours holds up well when compared to the big budget Hollywood films.

28  Days Later (2003)

This is one of the better horror movies to come along in the past decade, a gritty end-of-the world scenario more in common with The Omega Man than any zombie movie of which it’s compared to. In the opening scene a group of animal activists break into a research facility in order to rescue the chimps but the apes are infected with a virus called ‘Rage’. Within ten seconds of being bit one of the humans are contaminated and she turns on the others. Then, skip to ‘28 Days Later....’ When a young man wakes up from an traffic accident induced coma to find the hospital-and the entire city-abandoned and in ruins. He wanders about, calling to see if there’s anyone else-and finally ends up in a church. He sees a pile of dead bodies in the pews and as soon as he calls out some heads immediately pop up-and the once-humans start pursuing him, including the infected priest. Two survivors rescue him just in time and they explain that a quick acting virus has made everyone kill each other off. They eventually find more survivors and part of an army troop that’s managed to survive. But these military guys may indeed be worse than the infected humans, particularly with what they want to do with the women. This movie keeps you on the edge of your seat the entire time and the shot on digital video format makes it seem more ‘real’, successfully adding to the anxiety. While not exactly dead zombies the infected are ferocious, enraged killing machines with these horrible red eyes. If you’re bitten or scratched you become one of them in less than fifteen seconds. If you haven’t seen a genuinely scary movie in a long while then you have to see this movie. In fact, you’ll probably end up seeing it a few times.

28 Weeks Later... (2007)

What Land of the Dead was to Night of the Living Dead, 28 Weeks Later is to the first movie, which is both good and bad.

It’s 28 Weeks after the outbreak of the “Rage” virus and it’s believed it has died off with all the infected. American troops occupy the country and begin to repopulate London with the survivors, who have since been in quarantine. Everyone is assigned to live in a certain section, which is highly guarded by the military. At the start of the movie we see a husband and wife (Robert Carlysle and Catherine McCormack) who try to fend off an attack from the initial outbreak - and he flees and leaves her behind to her fate. Months later, when he is re-united with his son and daughter in the repopulated center he lies and tells them that he saw their mother killed. This story doesn’t go over so well when she’s found to be alive. In fact, she was indeed bitten by the “zombies” but never became one. Instead, she becomes a carrier...

Least to say, there’s another outbreak and the two children have to survive, as they may hold the key to a cure for the disease. The scope of 28 Weeks Later is much bigger than the first movie, and there are far more special effects, such as when a helicopter slices a whole crowd of the infected into hamburger or when sections of London are air-bombed. But after a while I found I was getting bored of all the running around and wanted to see something different that I haven’t seen in a “zombie movie” before. No such luck. It also ended in the predictable manner and I’m sure there will be a “28 Months Later” in which the entire world is infected...

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1997)

Ben Cross (Dark Shadows) portrays Captain Nemo in this made-for-television adaptation of the Jules Verne novel. It concentrates primarily on Captain Nemo’s infatuation with one of the female prisoners he’s taken on board his sub. He’s never come across a woman like her and wants to make her his queen. His plan is to make the waters between the U.S and Europe impassable so that the world powers will grant him back his kingdom, which was stolen from him years ago. Some of the underwater scenes are old-fashioned looking, with the blue screen effect. Still, there are some cool sequences, such as when they travel over the remains of Atlantis and when they encounter a huge creature called a Proto-leviathan, which almost swallows the Nautilis. There’s no giant squids in this movie. The story also ends on an open-note, which seems to suggest that this was intended as a pilot for a tv series. The Walt Disney version of 20,000 Leagues still remains the best.

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1997)

This made-for-cable movie takes some liberties with the Jules Verne novel. Although Michael Caine is great as Captain Nemo, the movie adds the character of his daughter Mara (Mia Sara of Legend, Ferris Bueller), which somehow diminishes his presence. Rather than a man who has lost everything and shuns the land because of his loss, he’s now a father who is looking out for his isolated daughter. Patrick Dempsey is the “hero” of the movie, and much of the movies’ conflict revolves around him and his Professor Father, who constantly derides him. Most surprising, though, is that there’s no giant squid attack of the Nautilus. Instead, a few characters are killed by a large octopus that lives in the ruins of Atlantis. This version of the novel isn’t a terrible movie by any means, it’s simply that the Disney version with James Mason as Nemo and the more recent version starring Ben Cross as the Captain, are much better.

20 Years After (2009)

It’s twenty-years after a nuclear holocaust and plague have swept the land. There are survivors but they live underground, in old basements. One of them is “Michael on the Radio”(Joshua Leonard), who lives alone and broadcasts from his small radio station. Then there’s Sarah (Azura Skye), who is six months pregnant, and her overprotective mother. They all live in the Southern Corridor, which has been protected from the radiation.

Michael meets up with a guy named Pierre, who chases off some snipers and takes him back to a community of people who live in a huge cave. Sarah and her mother meet up with a philosopher/shaman who convinces them to leave their basement and accompany him on his journey. They do and it leads them to the same group of cave people. Michael has been receiving broadcasts from someone else who has a radio, and this gives him hope that people will start going out into the world.

There’s also the group of bad guys who are lead by a crazy woman and her two mentally unstable daughters, who she keeps drugged up. She hears that Sarah is pregnant, the first pregnancy in fifteen years, and she wants that baby for her own.

The first hour of this movie is great, almost like a documentary, and entirely plausible. However, when it gets to the last half hour, with the confrontation with the bad guys and Michael and Sarah setting off on their own when they go into the abandoned city, it takes a turn that’s too predictable and formulaic. The ending is also terribly cheesy and trite. Still, if you like post-Apocalyptic movies you should enjoy most of this.

Twilight (2008)

I don’t know how this compares to the book but the movie adaptation is a good vampire tale with some interesting characters. Teenager Bella (Kristin Stewart) moves in with her father in Washington State and there she meets and falls for Edward, the silent mysterious guy who is her lab partner. There’s an immediate chemistry between them and he ends up saving her life when a car swerves out of control and nearly squashes her. She figures out quickly that Edward is a vampire and he reveals he has been 17 years old “for a while” (about ninety-years). Just when their relationship begins there are some brutal murders in town. A new group of vampires is passing through and they are not “vegetarians” like Edward and his family. And one of these vampires gets it in his mind to hunt down and kill Bella. Of course, it’s up to Edward and his vampire “family” to protect her. Twilight doesn’t really add anything new to the vampire genre but it is an interesting movie, primarily because of the actors performances.

Twilight Saga: New Moon, The (2009)

This second movie in the series makes the first seem like a high speed action film.

Bella Swan and Edward the vampire are together but this soon changes when one of the other Cullen vampires attacks her after she gets a bloody paper cut. Edward tells her that their relationship was a mistake and that they are all moving away, never to be seen again. Bella falls into a deep depression and doesn’t hang out with any of her human friends. However, she discovers that anytime she is in danger Edward appears to hear in this sort of ghost-image and warns her to be careful. Since this is the only way she can ever see him she keeps on putting herself in harm’s way. Which gets a little redundant after a while. She convinces her Native American friend Jake to help her rebuild a motorcycle. She wants the danger of riding it—he just wants to hang out with her. Things change when Jake begins to change. He disappears out of sight and doesn’t return any of her phone calls until she finally goes to his house. He warns her away and says he can’t tell her what he’s going through. But she soon finds out he’s a werewolf, along with several other members of his tribe who have the genetic disposition.

Except for some interesting bits with these giant werewolves and the vampire leaders, the Volturi, which amounts to about twenty-minutes out of the two hours, this whole melodrama is exceedingly boring. It is definitely not something to howl about.

Twilight Saga: Eclipse, The (2010)

This is by far the best movie in the series and has a much more emotional resonance, I think, because all the actors are finally comfortable in their roles. Edward had proposed to Bella at the end of the second movie and at the beginning here she still wants him to change her into a vampire. She says that if she agrees to marry him that he will have to change her so they can be together forever. He doesn’t want to convert her but wants to be with her. The Native American/Werewolf, Jacob, still has feelings for Bella and hates the vampire. He wants Bella to admit her feelings for him. Rather than just being all mopey there’s actually some resolution to their problems and they get a better understanding of one another as well. Plus, there’s a lot more violence and cool effects. The red-headed vampire Victoria, who was pissed that her lover was killed in the first movie because of Bella, wants revenge so she’s turning people into vampires in Seattle. She knows one of the Cullens is psychic so she has one guy doing all the planning and organizing so they don’t know it’s her pulling the strings. When there’s the final battle, with the Cullens and werewolves fighting the new vampire army it’s freezing outside, so the vampires break apart like ice when bitten by the wolves. And when Jacob is injured, half the bones in his body broken, they have to be re-broken again because his rapid healing mended them badly. I also liked that there were flashbacks on two of the Cullen vampires, one woman who lived in the early 1900’s and Jasper, who fought in the Civil War. That was cool and shed a lot of light on their personalities.

I woke up on the right side of the bed for this one.

Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part One, The (2011)

This is very low-key compared to the previous movie, Twilight: Eclipse. It begins with teenager Bella and vampire Edward getting married and going on their honeymoon in Brazil. Things take an unexpected turn when Bella realizes she’s pregnant, which should be an impossibility. This concerns Edward, as the locals have dire stories of a vampire “demon” child. He fears the worst for Bella—but she’d determined to go on with this accelerated pregnancy. They return to the States and Edward’s family takes care of her. Basically, the fetus begins starving her body and she becomes this skeletal version of herself. Some of the werewolves don’t like this—and are determined to kill the vampire hybrid child. Native American Jacob Black, who is Bella’s best friend—and a werewolf—has mixed emotions about this but in the end chooses to protect her and the kid.

This isn’t a bad movie and it did keep my interest. However, as with the Harry Potter  films I always feel like I’m watching a rerun, as none of these ideas are particularly original. The effects are excellent, especially making Bella look emaciated from bearing her hybrid child.

Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part Two, The (2012)

Bela and Edward now have a daughter, Renesmee, who is aging very quickly. The Volturi find out about her and it’s against their law to create a child vampire because of something that happened in the past. But this kid isn’t quite a vampire. So preparations of a war begins, with some vamps siding with the Cullens, others with the Volturi.

There’s a huge, climatic battle between the good vampires and the Volturi—and many of the main characters die. Only it turns out to be a possible vision of the future, so no one dies and everyone lives happily ever after, which basically makes it a Disney movie. This is one of the worst Twilight films, tied with the second in terms of boredom.

Twilight Zone: Season One, The (1980)

The premiere season of this return to Rod Serling’s Twilight Zone is far better than the second and third seasons. These are hour episodes, consisting of two or three stories. The segments that stand out are Allen Brennert’s  Her Pilgrim Soul, Stephen King’s truly creepy Gramma, and Need to Know, which is one the more frightening shorts I’ve ever seen. This is the one where a professor has discovered the meaning of life-and that knowledge is spread throughout a town, driving everyone insane.This DVD set is worth checking out, far better than Season One of Night Gallery.

Twilight Zone : Seasons Two & Three (1981-82)

The last two seasons of the 80’s Twilight Zone episodes are not as consistently good as the first season, with the third season degenerating to the quality of Tales from the Darkside. The first episode of the second season, ‘The Once and Future King’ is one of the best, about an Elvis impersonator who is sent back in time and has to pretend he’s Elvis after he kills him in an accident. From that point on he has to do everything exactly how Elvis lived his life. Another good episode (3rd season) takes place in the near future, where a jobless man starts selling his memories in order to make some money to survive. He ends up selling everything that was important to him-and he attempts to get those memories back, with not so good results. As with The Night Gallery the memories of this show are better than re-viewing the show.

Twin Peaks (1990)

In the series’ pilot, a high school girl is found murdered and wrapped in a plastic bag. This is Laura Palmer. The townspeople, from the Sheriff, Harry S. Truman (Michael Ontkean) to her boyfriend Bobby (Dana Ashbrook) to her best friend, Donna (Lara Flynn Boyle) to her parents, are distraught, as she was so well-liked. But it seems that Laura had a lot of secrets, including drug use and a secret boyfriend. Special Agent Dale Cooper (Lyle MacLachlan) arrives from the FBI, and he suspects that her murder ties into some other cases he’s investigating. In an hour and a half we’re introduced to over a dozen idiosyncratic characters, including the “log lady”, Joceyln Packard, a Chinese woman who has inherited a lumber mill (and is having an affair with the Sheriff), Audrey Horne, who sort of seems autistic, and Deputy Tommy, who cries everytime at a crime scene.

The very first episode of David Lynch’s bizarre television series is not as weird and as surreal as I remember it being, probably because almost every current show exceeds it in that regard. But for the time in which it was made, this was a groundbreaking show.

Twisted Illusions  2 (2004)

This trio of stories is done by three different directors-Tim Ritter, Joel D. Wynkoop and John Bowker. John Bowker’s tale, Betrayal, is about a woman (Shannon, a regular of Bowker & Joe Sherlock) who puts a curse on her boyfriend once she finds out that he is cheating on her. Yet, what she has seen isn’t exactly what she thinks it is-and her curse goes horribly wrong. Joel Wynkoop’s The Part (in which he is also the lead) is about a ‘reformed’ insane killer who is released from the mental institution and pursues his dream of becoming an actor. He auditions for the part of a serial killer in a low-budget horror movie-and the casting directors tell him to go out and practice being insane in preparation for re-auditioning for the character. He does just that-and in the process undoes what all those years of therapy accomplished. There’s also a good twist ending that explains why he was so easily released back into the public. And the last segment, Dexter Deadbeat, is about a woman being stalked by this insane man-who is after her for what turns out to be the unlikeliest reason of all. There is no connecting story between the segments, which I tend to prefer in anthologies. What they have in common are character-based stories with good twist endings and it’s always good to see these directors’ work.

Two Faces of Dr. Jeckyll, The (1960)

An interesting take on a familiar story. The doctor (Paul Massie), trying to find a way to reveal man’s hidden personality, succeeds in releasing his own alter-ego, Edward Hyde. But instead of outwardly resembling a monster, Hyde is a handsome playboy who has no morals. Dr. Jeckyll’s wife, resentful of being married to a scientific recluse, seeks solace in the hands of his best friend, portrayed by Christopher Lee-and when Jeckyll turns into Hyde, Hyde attempts to have an affair with her as well, creating a weird triangle (quadrangle?). One of the more engaging versions of the Jeckyll/Hyde story. This movie was originally released in the U.S. as House of Fright. Directed by Terence Fisher.

Two-Head Shark Attack (2012)

In what looks like ten feet of water along the coast (of California?) a gigantic two-head shark head emerges and eats some water skiers. When we see the shark/s kill someone in close-up it’s clearly a giant rubber prop, as the shark teeth bend. Don’t watch this—instead, watch any other killer shark movie from the past ten years.

If I hadn’t been convinced already, this movie seals the fact that I will never watch and Asylum (David Michael Latt and David Rimawi) produced movie again. Shame on them.

2001 Maniacs (2006)

This is a remake/sequel to the Herschell Gordon Lewis gore fest that is actually as enjoyable as that original movie. I was surprised. Robert England is well cast as the leader of the Southern town. Once a year they hold a barbecue/festival and allow some outsiders in so they can celebrate. Little do these visitors know, however, that they are on the main menu for that barbecue! The characters are likeable enough, there’s a fair share of breastage and plenty of gore. That scene with the guy drinking the acid is nasty. Recommended.

2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams (2010)

This sequel to the recent remake of the Herschell Gordon Lewis movie begins with a voiceover and comic book-like illustrations telling us the history of Pleasant Valley and how the citizens were all killed in 1864. Now, their souls take vengeance upon any Northerners who wander on their property. However, there haven’t been too many visitors lately so they decide to take the South to the North to spread their message. They pile in a bus and take their unique brand of torture and mutilation on the road.

As it turns out they encounter a crew shooting a reality television series about two rich girls. The production is lost and nowhere near where they are supposed to be—in Georgia—so decide to fake it with this ghostly group of Southerners who are all too willing to lend a helping hand (and meat cleaver). Most all of the television crew and talent are irritating so we don’t mind them dying in various bloody ways. After all the main characters are the Maniacs. Liz Shaye is truly hilarious as “Granny”, particularly in the “Cannibal Rock” music video, which spoofs the 80’s Flashdance movie. And Bill Moseley does a great job as Mayor George Buckman, a bit more hyper than how Robert Englund portrayed him in the first movie.

I enjoyed Field of Screams a bit more than the original “remake” since it’s more off the wall and opens up the (presumed) series.

23 Hours (2001)

Set in a retro-50’s future, this film follows the life of Nick Miles, who works at a humdrum job in a drab office and leads a rather boring, repetitive life. That is, until he discovers he has missing time he can’t account for. Every night at 3:00am he blanks out and can’t remember what happened. Slowly but surely he does some investigating and soon some ‘men in black’ type guys are after him. He eventually discovers the truth and it’s something rather surprising—and damn cool. Part The Hidden, part The Thirteenth Floor, The Matrix and Dark City  albeit on a low budget, 23 Hours holds up well when compared to these Hollywood movies. I look forward to Eric Thornett’s next film. (Piranha Pictures)

2012 (2009)

This is truly the mother of all disaster movies. The premise is that huge solar flares are affecting the Earth’s core, which will cause the crust to radically shift. The movie begins several years earlier, when this is first discovered by an Indian scientist. An American scientist, Adrian Helmsley, who is visiting him conveys the information to Washington DC and they put a survival plan in motion. The movie alternates between Adrian and those who know what’s going to happen to novelist Jackson Curtis (John Cusack) and his family. Jackson is taking his kids camping in Yellowstone Park when he sees that a lake he used to go to is dried up—and cordoned off by the Army. The Army takes him back to the campground, where he is parked next to radio conspiracy nut Charlie Frost (Woody Harrelson). Frost heard from a friend what’s happening and tells Curtis about this. Of course, Curtis thinks he’s crazy. That is, until he’s working on his day job driving a limo and overhears some of the same information from his client’s son at the airport. He immediately rents out a small plane and then rushes to get his kids and his ex-wife. They make it just in time. Of course, they have to land a few times to refuel and also figure out where the government people are going. Are they really building spaceships to ride out the storm?

Tycus (1999)

In the early 90’s a scientist (Dennis Hopper) discovers that a comet is on a collision course with Earth’s moon and that for all practical purposes humanity will be wiped out. No one believes him so he takes it upon himself to build an underground sanctuary out in the Sierras. Ten years later, just days before the comet is to hit, a tabloid reporter receives a mysterious call-and told to investigate what’s going on. It turns out that the call is from a long ago friend of his, who wants to save his life. But the friend didn’t know he had married-and is expecting a child. There’s also a rebellion happening in the complex. So the last third of the movie revolves around the tired old argument of ‘who gives you the right to pick and choose who survives’, which I think I’ve seen in dozens of sci-fi disaster movies. And it’s just stupid. The one redeeming quality of the movie is Hopper’s performance-he’s MUCH more effective as a sympathetic character than he is a villain

“U” Titles

UFO (1970)

Gerry Anderson’s first live-action series, still has the feel of The Thunderbirds series, particularly with the models of spacecraft and miniatures. You can also see the influence this show had on the “look” of Space 1999, which was done four years later, especially with the shots of the moon, the moon base and the Interceptor ships, which are a precursor to the Eagles.

The series takes place in the “future”, 1980/81, so it’s the early 70’s take on what life would be like a decade in the future. They have car phones, more futuristic looking cars, bases on the moon and also very odd clothes and hairstyles. For example, it’s never explained why all the women workers on the moon base wear these identical purple wigs, other than that it’s “space fashion”.

SHADO is a world-wide secret organization created to deal with the threat of UFO’s which have been visiting the Earth for some mysterious purpose. In the first episode we’re introduced to the people who work there and also we see one of the aliens close-up. They wear red spacesuits, are entirely human looking except for their green-skinned faces, which is due to the green liquid they breath when traveling at high speeds in space. When we see aliens in later episodes they have normal flesh colored hands and green faces. They also don’t speak.

The leader of SHADO is Commander Straker (Ed Bishop), who really comes off as an a-hole the first few episodes, until we see flashbacks scenes that make it understandable why he behaves like he does. There’s also his right hand man Alec Freeman (George Sewell) who disappears 2/3 into the series and is replaced by Paul Foster (Michael Billington) and a female Colonel. At first it’s believed the aliens are here to harvest human organs, as some of the alien bodies show these transplants. Then, they are able to control humans via radio waves and these strange clear rocks. There’s even an episode when they are spying on SHADO through the eyes of a cat. In another episode Straker and Foster find a domed building under the ocean that is filled with SHADO’s doubles. It’s not clear if they are exact duplicates or just made to look that way. Their ships and bodies can’t take Earth’s atmosphere for long periods of time or they’ll age and disintegrate. In other episodes they try to release a deadly gas into the atmosphere, which would kill all life and in another set off bombs that cause earthquakes and kill thousands. So, do they want to harvest humans or just kill them off? It remained unclear up through the last episode.

For the most part the show comes off as a spy drama and an inordinate amount of time is spent with the characters smoking (while they are working, while they are at the moonbase, on ships, et cetera) and drinking (there’s an alcohol dispensing machine in Straker’s office!). And, of course, the affairs between all the co-workers. Also, I thought it a little weird that for being a top secret organization SHADO has their name written in large letters on the sides of their advanced vehicles and spacecraft. Still, UFO is one of those television shows to check out just for its weirdness—and entertainment value.

UFO Incident, The (1975)

This is the story of Betty and Barney Hill (Estelle Parsons and James Earl Jones), who are abducted by golden aliens with big heads. This movie is only distinguishable because it was one of the first “true” alien stories depicted in a movie. Many similar films—and visitors—were to follow.

UKM:  The Ultimate Killing Machine (2006)

Michael Madsen unlikely portrays an army commander who is in charge of a program to create “The Ultimate Killing Machine”. Doing the experiments are two German “mad scientists”, who seem to get pleasure from inflicting pain. The first subject is a decorated soldier who volunteered-but he goes awry and kills several of the security guards. Four young adults, all obviously rejects from any type of recruitment, are then selected to get the procedure, as it will radically improve their strength. In addition, there is an increase in sexual urges and a killing rage. It’s revealed, though, that only two of the four had gotten the treatment and the others got a placebo.

The majority of the movie takes place inside the military building, which, of course, is rigged with explosives in case the experiment gets out of hand. The survivors have to not only avoid the “killing machines” but make it outside before the place explodes. This movie is like Universal Soldier on an extremely low budget.

Ultimate Avengers (2006)

This direct-to-dvd animated feature re-tells the origins of The Avengers, and in doing so is far more entertaining than The Hulk live-action movie, Elektra and Spiderman 3 put together.  The movie begins with a group of American soldiers infiltrating a Nazi stronghold at the end of WWII. Their leader is none other than the newly created Captain America. They not only discover that the Germans are about to launch a nuclear missile at the States, but that they are being helped by a malevolent alien species. Captain America stops the missile but plunges down into the ocean below, presumably dead. Then we skip ahead to the present, where an African-American Nick Fury is trying to get Bruce Banner to duplicate the Super Soldier Serum. By coincidence Steve Roger’s (Captain America) body is found encased in a chunk of ice. He’s thawed out and comes back to life. He sees the new world he is in and feels out of place.

But those Nazi helping aliens have returned and Fury puts together a group of superheroes to fight them. They are Iron Man, Giant Man and Wasp Woman, and The Black Widow. Captain America is chosen to lead them, as he’s the only one who has experience battling the creatures. Bruce Banner, though, wants to help-and believes that by injecting himself with the Super Soldier serum, he’ll be able to control the rampaging Hulk. When the battle with the aliens does happen, Banner transforms into the green goliath, and at first he’s in control. But it fades fast-and the Avengers have to battle the Hulk as well.

The Ultimate Avengers is an extremely entertaining movie, far better than most of the superhero movies that have been done. It is kind of weird, though, when they change some characters, such as Fury being African American and Janet Pym (Wasp Woman) as Asian. Also, Michael Massee (The Crow, Resurrection mini-series) does the voice of Banner, which does make the character seem unstable and creepy. Hopefully this will be the beginning of a continuing series.

Ultimate Avengers 2 (2006)

This sequel is as good as the first movie. This time The Black Panther and his African kingdom are introduced. The aliens want a piece of meteor buried underneath that city and it’s up to the heroes to stop them. In fact, they start invading the planet and it looks just like War of the Worlds. The best part about this dvd, though, are the bloopers. The gag about Tony Stark’s House of Ribs had me rolling.

Ultimate Warrior, The (1975)

In the near future the world’s food supply has been decimated by a plague. Nothing grows. On the streets of New York City various groups fight for survival. Most are barbarians and cannibals, but one group, who lives on the rooftops, is more civilized. It’s this group, led by a character called ‘The Baron’ (Max Von Sydow) that has discovered how to breed a crop of plague-resistant plants. Fearing that one of the other groups will take them over, they recruit a warrior (Yul Brynner) to protect them. When things start falling apart the Baron convinces the warrior to take his pregnant daughter to the safety of an island that’s down South—but before he can do that he has a showdown with the evil gang’s leader (William Smith). One of the better post-apocalyptic movies from the 70’s.

Ultraman ‘80 (1980)

This series of the franchise doesn’t work as well as it’s predecessors. This time the man who secretly turns into Ultraman is a teacher and many of the monsters/stories revolve around his irritating students. They’ve also inserted these ‘Life Lessons’ in each of the 13 episodes, which makes you want to fast forward and just get to the rubber monster bashing at the end. Some of the creatures are interesting-from Rodan-like to a giant robot. In design, 80 looks very much like the original Ultraman. I recommend this series to the serious Ultra fans only.

Ultraman Max (2004)

This newer incarnation of Ultraman pretty much sticks to the formula established since the 1960’s. A young man by the name of Kaito, just as he is about to be killed, is rescued by an alien presence that has been watching the planet. The alien wants permission to join essences with him, which will allow the alien to stay on earth for three minutes at a time. After those three minutes this light on his chest starts blinking and he gets weaker. This guy is also a member of the DASH-Defense Action Squad Heroes-soldiers who fight the invading aliens.

The first half-hour episode is the origin, in which it’s also established that the reason aliens from Earth—-and from space-are attacking humanity is because of the huge population explosion-and that nature is trying to set the balance right . This first episode has a volcanic creature, the second an alien made of electricity, the third is a Rodan-like giant prehistoric bird and the fourth episode an intelligent alien species wants to take over Earth because humans are doing such a shitty job of taking care of the planet. The special effects are good and the computer generated special effects for the air vehicles are a vast improvement than miniatures. While I enjoyed these first few episodes of this series, I still feel that the original Ultraman and the more recent Ultraman Tiga, are better.

Ultraman: The Adventure Begins (1987)

In this animated feature an asteroid, containing four horrible monsters, crash-lands to Earth. The Ultra Force, an intergalactic police force, is dispatched to apprehend/destroy the creatures. But in order to do this they have to merge with the bodies of human hosts. The Ultra Men look like those in the live-action series, though because of the adequate animation are somewhat stiff looking. And in their normal form, when they are not ‘Ultra Men’, they look like a bunch of Greeks in togas. Only for the most die-hard Ultraman fans as this is excruciatingly boring.

Ultraman: The Ultimate Hero (1993)

This is the only Ultraman series to be shot in the U.S, featuring a US cast. There is a new Japanese guy who transforms into the giant superhero and he works for another group of people who defend the world against giant monsters, which is the usual assortment of weird creatures you see in an Ultraman series. The show does have good sense of humor, with one of the defense force members being this dumb ass who always causes trouble for himself. The two women, a blonde and a redhead, are quite hot. And Bill Mumy has a cameo in one of the stories, about a race of underground prehistoric people who control a giant monster.

Ultraviolet (2006)

Sometime in the future a man-made disease turns a portion of the population into vampires-and the established government wants to kill them all, even though it seems they don’t pose much of a threat in the big picture of things. Parts of this movie reminded me of The Matrix, Aeon Flux and V For Vendetta. This is an utterly flat, ineffectual action movie where very little makes sense. It is a waste of time.

Unborn, The (2009)

One of the first theatrical horror films of 2009 seems like a remake of an Asian ghost/revenge movie, which goes to show you how much that sub-genre is starting to influence American films. It’s The Exorcism of Emily Rose meets The Grudge.

Casey Beldon (Odette Yustman) starts having weird dreams about a creepy blue-eyed boy. She sees dogs with human faces as well. The haunting continues to escalate as she discovers that this has to do with her past. Through some of her mother’s notes she finds Sofi Kozma (Jane Alexander), her grandmother, in an old folks home. Sofi explains that this “ghost” is a Dybukk, a entity that wants to be born into this world. It’s responsible for Casey’s mother killing herself and now it wants Casey. The big “surprise” of why the creature has started haunting her is telegraphed throughout the whole movie so it’s anything but a surprise, only a pat ending. There are a few sequences that made me jump, unsettling effects with upside down heads, and the lead actress is nice to look at though she can’t carry the movie. Directed by David S. Goyer

Undead (2005)

This Australian movie is a cross between the alien and zombie genres, mostly played for laughs.At the start of the movie part of a comet breaks off and heads towards Earth, where the many meteors crash near a small town. In fact, a few of the hurtling rocks punch through people, immediately transforming them into zombies. A group of six survivors hole up in a farmhouse owned by a reclusive fisherman. He claims to know that this is all being caused by aliens. In a flashback we see him fishing in his boat when his pile of caught fish is struck by a meteor. They come to ‘life’ and start attacking him. In the midst of this a huge flying ship appears overhead and washes him with rain. Did they cause it or are they trying to cure it? This is a quirky movie with a lot of extremely gory special effects, such as a pair of legs walking around with half a spine sticking out of them. Although Undead isn’t a great movie it does stand out from the onslaught of recent zombie movies lumbering onto the video store shelves.

Underbelly(2003)

Joe Sherlock’s newest is quite different than his usual comedic fare. The movie is a dark, film-noirish story, about a guy who is hired to take a car to his college professor’s neice, only to become involved with the city’s local crime element. The main character isn’t the brightest guy-and he doesn’t quite get it at first that the woman he’s searching for is dead. And the shady guys who killed her think he’s been sent as a hit man sent to kill them, which is kind of funny since this guy is like 350 pounds. What is he going to do, sit on them? This aside, Underbelly is a dark excursion into a place most of us don’t want to be.

Underworld (2003)

Well, Kate Beckinsale makes an attractive vampire and the vampire vs. werewolf plot is different, though not entirely original. But the stereotypical vampire characters, one of them a seeming Christopher Lee spoof and the one dimensionality of the Beckinsale character really brings everything down. I couldn’t help but feel as if I’d seen this movie before.

Underworld: Evolution (2006)

This sequel is an improvement over the first, with better special effects, a more interesting story—and best of all, Kate Beckinsale speaking as little as possible (she has to be one of the worst actresses working these days). Yet the basic story— the sire of all the vampires wanting to free his brother (the first werewolf)—isn’t filled with enough information. Just how he and his twin brother became monsters is never explained—and you don’t know what their father is, other than an immortal. Also, it’s constantly mentioned that Scott Speedman is the first vampire/werewolf hybrid, yet it’s said that the first vampire is also a hybrid. ???Of course, the movie ends with another sequel in mind—and it’ll be interesting to see where it goes from there.If you enjoyed the first Underworld you’ll dig this, particularly with all the vampire man bat and the werewolf transformations.

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009)

This is the best of the Underworld series, focusing on how the war began between the vampires and the werewolves. The vampires, lead by the evil, creepy Viktor, live in this huge cliffside stone fortress and constantly have to defend it against the werewolves, which continually try to attack it. These werewolves are stuck in their monstrous form, unable to change into humans. However, when a human-looking baby is born from one of these creatures, Viktor (Bill Nighy) decides to spare its life and raise it as a servant. This is Lucian. And since Lucien (Michael Sheen) is half human Viktor decides to start breeding/creating a whole line of these shape-changing werewolves to help protect the vampires against the full-blooded werewolves.

Viktor has a daughter, Sonja (Rhona Mitra of Doomsday), who is secretly in love with Lucian, and she frees him when her father is going to kill him. Lucian escapes with a few others into the nearby woods and starts freeing slaves for his army. He gives them the option if they want to become immortal Lycans or not. He also is able to communicate with the pureblood werewolves and gets them on his side for the final battle.

Yes, basically this is the Romeo and Juliet story, but it works. And just why Lucien is so bent on killing the vampires is explained by what Viktor decides to do with his wayward daughter. The end also ties in neatly with how the very first movie begins—and in doing so makes those previous movies all that much better by filling in the blanks. Recommended. Director Patrick Tatopoulus more than makes up with this movie for designing that lame-ass American version of Godzilla a decade ago.

Underworld: Awakening (2012)

This begins with vampire Selene and her love-interest, the hybrid werewolf/vampire Michael about to take off in a boat, presumably to a safe haven. But the boat explodes. She dives in the water to save Michael but is knocked unconscious. She wakes up over a dozen years later in a lab, in a deep freeze unit. She escapes—and at first thinks that Michael has also escaped, since she can “see” from his perspective. What she finds instead is a twelve-year old girl, who is also a hybrid. Who is she? It’s pretty obvious.

Also, the world knows about the existence of vampires and Lycans. Both monsters are in hiding and the werewolves are all but extinct.

This is a disappointing, unnecessary sequel, completely constructed around the fact that actor Scott Speedman didn’t reprise his role as Michael. The entire story hinges on this unseen character. Also, The 3-D version is along the lines of Clash of the Titans—it sucks. There’s only one good scene of a monstrous werewolf head coming out of the screen. And anytime they give a main character a child— it’s boring. Do not awaken for this movie....

Unearthed (2007)

Surprisingly boring monster movie and yet another Alien imitator, this time taking place out in the desert (like Feast) and with a long buried creature who is responsible for the extinction of the Anasazi Native Americans. There’s an alcoholic sheriff, a badly miscast Emmanuelle Vaugier, who is trying to redeem herself after a horrible mistake she made and a group of stranded travelers who are simply trying to survive. M.C. Gainey (one of the “others’ in LOST) portrays an asshole rancher. Unearthed should have been left buried.

Uninvited, The (1996)

In the early 1900’s, on a farmhouse bordering an orchard, a man drowns his son in the bathtub-and is then shot by his wife for doing so. Seventy-five years later a subdivision is built over the grounds and a new house stands in the exact same spot as that farmhouse. The family that moves in is too ecstatic moving to Suburbia-why the hell do they want to live in similar looking houses? Anyways, the son and wife start seeing strange lights about the house. The woman believes it may be her child from the miscarriage six months before. It turns out to be the child that was drowned in the bathtub. There’s also the evil entity of the father, who stays bound to the house rather than descending into hell. He gives the mother a few scares and almost kills her boy. She tries to explain to her husband what’s going on but he thinks that she is crazy. When things start heating up and more poltergeist activity happens, he has her forcibly committed to the hospital. That’s when he sees evidence of the ghosts and realizes that his wife was right all along.The movie has its moments but is all too familiar with the blood coming out of drains, the leaking walls, the flashing lights and animated toys. In fact, now that I think about it, it’s almost exactly like Poltergeist, down to the wicked looking tree in the backyard and the house being built over graves!

Uninvited, The (2009)

I’ve been putting off seeing this American re-make for a while, primarily because I wasn’t so impressed by the original Japanese movie, A Tale of Two Sisters. However, so much is changed that it bears little resemblance to its predecessor. It seems very much more a remake of Thomas Tryon’s The Other.

Anna returns home after ten months in a mental institution. She had tried to kill herself after the death of her ill mother, who burned to death in an accident. Her father (David Strathairn) is now in a relationship with Rachel (Elizabeth Banks), who was the mother’s nurse. Anna does not like this at all—and with the encouragement of her sister, Alex, comes to the conclusion that Rachel had set that fire in order to marry her father. So Anna does what she can to prevent this.

Although I knew what the main “surprise revelation” was—that Alex died in that fire as well—there’s enough of a twist to make the movie interesting. The one thing that always irritates me about these Asian remakes is that the American producers always cast these vaguely-Asian looking actresses in the leads, such as with Jessica Alba in The Eye, Shannon Sossamon in One Missed Call, and here, Emily Browning.

Universal Soldier: The Return (1999)

However, this is not a good return. Chronologically, it takes place at least ten years after the first movie, since Luc Deveraux is widowed with a ten-year-old daughter. He had married the reporter from that film. Now, he’s helping the government with a new batch of UniSols, as exhibited by the first scene where he’s being chased through the Florida swamps. He’s also human, no longer a modified soldier. The main “bad” Universal Soldier is Romeo (Bill Goldberg), this big bulldog like guy. The other bad guy is S.E.T.H., which is actually a computer brain that has taken control of one of the new soldiers.

And what the hell, they threw in another reporter for him to protect, to make it sort of like the original.

On one hand I can see that they wanted to make the sequel different from the first, and that’s a plus. But this film is so inferior to the Roland Emmerich original that I was just shaking my head. From my recollection, those two direct-to-tv television sequels were much better sequels, which is saying a lot.

Universal Soldier: Regeneration (2010)

I believe this is supposed to take place five years after the second movie, since it’s mentioned that the old Uni-Sol program was closed down “five years ago”. Since then, a new Universal Soldier that has been created, one that is augmented with gene therapy, is immune to high radiation and whose body parts can be replaced by cloned parts.

In the opening sequence, which takes place in Eastern Europe, a brother and sister are kidnapped by one of these soldiers and taken to a hideout in the abandoned city of Chernobyl, where the leader wants the freedom of political prisoners or else he’ll explode a bomb that will release a radioactive cloud into the air. When Jean Claude Van Damme shows up as Luc Devereaux he’s being cared for by a doctor who is trying to re-train him to be a human. The entire story of Universal Soldier: The Return never happened. He didn’t marry that reporter and didn’t have a daughter. Here, he’s this damaged person. And it’s mentioned it’s only two years after the events of the first movie (1992)—and he’s rapidly aging, since he’s getting arthritis and looks twenty years older. They need him to go against his rival from that first movie so they re-make him into a Unviersal Soldier and the two fight for the last half hour in this abandoned factory. Then, when he wins that battle, he has to go fight that new Universal soldier.

Of course the ending leaves it wide open for a sequel, which will probably involve clones. But the last thing I want to see is another Universal Soldier movie....this one sucks big time.

Unknown Island (1948)

A guy gets his rich girlfriend Carole to finance an expedition to a forgotten island, where he wants to take some pictures—and get proof—that there are some dinosaurs that are still alive. They secure the services of a ship, through Capt Tarnowski, though you know he’ll be up to no good later on. There is one man, John Fairbanks, who was on the island before and he witnessed his companions being eaten by the carnivores before escaping on a life-raft. An attraction starts between him and Carole, though her boyfriend doesn’t put up much of a fight about this. When someone asks her if she’ll be afraid of the island she says “I’ll be safe, I’ll have men with me”.

This is basically a pale remake of King Kong and The Lost World with very poor dinosaur effects. The brontosaurs look okay, though they are clearly miniatures and the dimetrodon is the best looking creature. I think this is the only time I’ve ever seen this dinosaur in a movie before, except maybe Yor: Hunter from the Future. However, the T-Rexes and Carnatosaur are all guys in costumes as is the giant ape that I think is supposed to be a giant ground sloth, though it’s carnivorous.

Unrest (2006)

A group of medical interns, for the first time working with a cadaver, start having problems when strange things start to happen. First, the fiance’ of one of the doctors mysteriously bleeds to death after touching the corpse. Then, the one woman doctor in the group, Allison Blanchard (Corri English), starts having the weird feeling that a spirit is responsible for the mysterious goings on. Other people begin to die as well. It turns out that it is indeed the corpse responsible, as the body once belonged to an archeologist who was uncovering some ancient ruins in Brazil. She was possessed by the angry spirits and killed herself. Now, those spirits still want to kill. The setting alone for this movie is creepy and first-time director Jason Todd Ipsin builds up the suspense by not showing us too much of what’s going on. Unrest is quite an effective horror movie.

Unseen Evil (1997)

An anthropology professor (Richard Hatch) takes an expedition deep into the wilds to discover a hidden treasure of Native-American gold. He soon finds out, however, that it is guarded by an invisible alien presence. Hatch reveals to his female colleague that his intention was to steal the gold and sell it, then live out a comfortable life in South America. Unfortunately for him, it doesn’t work out that way. After the group takes the gold out the aliens follow them, killing them off one by one. The survivors realize that in order to make the creatures stop killing them that they have to return the stolen goods to the cavern where they found it.This is a good, entertaining monster movie, reminding me of those Saturday morning creature features which showed those movies from the 50’s and 60’s (like Giant from the Unknown). And it’s good seeing the long absent Hatch in a movie non-Battlestar related. Unseen Evil is also far superior to the crappy sequel, Alien 2000. Directed by Jay Woelfel (Ghost Lake, Beyond Dream’s Door)

Untraceable (2008)

Diane Lane portrays an FBI agent who tracks internet crime. She and her partner, Griffin Dowd (Colin Hanks) come across a website that shows someone hooked up to some type of device—and the more viewers who click on and watch the quicker their death happens. One of these involves an anti-blood coagulate, so the guy bleeds to death, another involves many sunlamps and the guy blisters and burns up. The worst, however, is when agent Griffin is captured and put in a vat of water, to which sulphuric acid is added— and his skin sloughs off. This movie surprised me because it’s along the lines of the Saw movies and I wasn’t expecting that. Check it out if you’re interested in being grossed out.

Urban Flesh (1999)

This cannibals on the rampage video lensed in Montreal is an extremely gory film that hearkens back to the classics of the gore film— Texas Chainsaw and I Spit on Your Grave. The film starts off with a bang-a young partygoer brings a girl home to his apartment and after they have sex all her ‘Friends’ show up in the apartment and proceed to dismember-and EAT him after she cuts of his vital organ! The fetus eating sequence in the film is probably one of the nastiest-and politically incorrect-scenes put into a movie in a long time! Although the special effects are extremely well done and the casting of the cannibal troupe is right on, the subplot involving an extremely stereotypical detective brings the film to a grinding halt several times. All his dialogue is cliched and you never believe for a moment that the 60-something actor is a jaded investigator. This aside, if you’re into gore then this is the perfect movie for you.

Urban Ghost Story (2004)

A young girl named Lizzie is in a horrific car accident after she and a friend try some Ecstasy. Her twelve-year-old friend, Kevin, is killed in the explosion. She narrowly escapes, but not before she dies for a few moments and has a near-death-experience. She tells everyone that he was driving the car. Months later there are strange noises and bad smells in her family’s apartment. She also has dreams and hallucinations that she should have died in that accident. Kate, her mother, doesn’t know what to do, so she goes to a newspaper reporter who had recently done an article on UFO’s. She figures that if anyone would believe her story about ghosts it would be him. But he’s extremely skeptical-and goes along with Kate and Lizzie in order to get several stories for his paper. He plans to tell his readers that it’s all an elaborate hoax. During the course of his ‘investigation’ he brings in different psychic investigators and most of them seem to think that something is indeed going on. However, the reporter thinks that Lizzie is just doing all of this herself in order to get attention. She has guilt that she survived and this is the form that it is taking. At one point the mother, Kate, can’t take anymore of people invading her home so she has a fit and kicks them all out. She soon confront the reporter and realizes he’s just doing this for his own benefit, not in the least interested in helping them. Yet, because he’s spent so much time around the family he’s developed feelings for Kate and ends up sleeping with her. Now he has a personal stake in this ghost story. While all this is going on the social services are keeping an eye on Lizzie-and threaten her mother that they’ll take her away if there’s any more drug problems. Her mother insists Lizzie is no longer taking drugs and they don’t believe her. Of course, these newspaper stories about ghosts don’t help them too much. Towards the end of the movie, when the social services people barge in the apartment to take the kids away from their mother, Lizzie locks herself in the bathroom and climbs out the small window. She climbs on ledge and nearly falls to her death. She manages to hang onto some wire-and the mother of the boy who was killed in the car accident ends up saving her life. Lizzie admits that she was the one driving, not him, and this ends up being the source of her immense guilt.This is one of those movies where you’re not sure if something supernatural is actually going on or not-it’s up to your interpretation of the events. Nonetheless, Urban Ghost Story is still a good psychological drama.

Urban Legend (1996)

A young married couple, while on vacation, cross paths with some ruthless killers who are on the run. Although the movie starts with a lot of promise—a tense standoff between two groups of bad guys and some decent pyrotechnics, it soon degenerates to murky camera shots and cliched acting by Ohio’s finest. The movie’s ‘hero’ looks like an overweight high-school senior, complete with varsity jacket, while his wife (Arianna Albright) looks remarkably like a female Pee Wee Herman. Note to new directors—when casting your female lead have at least one of the following—good looks, a good body and acting ability—not none of the above!

Urban Legend: Bloody Mary (2005)

This second sequel is better than the first, though that isn’t saying much. An innocent girl is killed in 1969 and thirty years later her ghost is killing the sons and daughters of those football players responsible. One character is killed after spiders start erupting from her face, another urinates on an electric fence with shocking results and another is microwaved to death in a tanning booth, all impossibilities but they happen nonetheless. A brother and sister from the same high school start investigating and the real culprit is closer to home than they realize.It always irritates me when a meek character dies and then comes back as this rampaging, revenge filled spirit, polar opposite to how they were in life. It doesn’t make any sense and provides a simple excuse for a plot line. Bloody Mary has far more in common with the second and third Prom Night movies. Directed by Mary Lambert (Pet Sematary).

“V” Titles

V: The Original Mini-Series (1983)

This begins in war-torn El Salvador with journalist Mike Donovan (Marc Singer) covering a story about rebels. This all comes to an abrupt stop when he’s fleeing some military guys and sees one of the huge alien motherships approaching on the horizon. Donovan’s former squeeze, a news reporter named Christine Walsh, is the first to report on the aliens—and she’s eventually made their media spokesperson. When the aliens first reveal themselves they appear human and wear these red military outfits. However, their eyes are sensitive to light, making them wear sunglasses, and their voices reverberate. John is the supreme leader and Diana (Jane Badler), a scientist, is his second in command. The leader of their race is back on their home planet.

Some earth scientists are suspicious that these aliens look so human but before any of them can report their findings they begin to disappear and a smear campaign is made against the remaining scientists. Being a scientist is like having mega cooties—no one wants to associate with them. The aliens say they need to manufacture certain chemicals on Earth and take them back to their planet. But when Donovan sneaks aboard and helped by a traitor visitor he discovers this is a ruse—they are really just after food and water. And the food is us! Donovan gets in a fight with a visitor and pulls off half his human disguise to show the reptilian creature underneath and witnesses Diana ingesting a live guinea pig.

The movie also focuses on a Jewish family whose son is recruited to spread the word of the visitors. The grandfather, who survived the Holocaust, is very suspicious of all this. He helps hide a neighborhood family whose father is an archeologist. The kid actually reports his family and his father is tortured before being returned home. One of the archeologist’s daughters is interested in a male visitor and they have sex aboard the ship—and she ends up pregnant. Meanwhile, former doctor Juliett Parrish (Faye Grant) helps build a resistance movement with the help of a thief, whose brother was murdered by the Visitors.

The series ends with the world under Marshall Law, with the Visitors clearly in control of the situation. The resistance group, now joined by Mike Donovan, sends out a radio signal to the Visitor’s enemy they heard about, who they hope will be their friends.

Dramatically, this original version holds up well and the World War II parallels between the aliens and Nazi’s works extremely well. However, the makeup effects, particularly when Diana eats the rodent or when an alien sticks his long snake-like tongue out, are not very realistic by today’s standards. The story continues in V: The Final Battle (1984)

V: The Final Battle (1984)

The Resistance, led by Julie Parish (Faye Grant) and Mike Donovan (Marc Singer), try to stop a food processing planet where they see humans on conveyer belts being loaded up to the huge spaceships. However, they are stopped because their conventional weapons are no ineffective against the Visitor’s new body armor. In fact, they only have one Visitor ray gun.

News anchor Christine Walsh is still working for Diana (Jane Badler), though she eventually redeems herself after she sneaks into the food storage facilities and realizes everything Mike Donovan told her about them is true. They are harvesting people for food. Donovan has a nightmare that the Visitors killed his son, who is still a prisoner. And teenager Robin, who was impregnated by a Visitor in the first mini-series, is developing a strange scaly rash around her neck. The Resistance wants to turn the war around by crashing a big event and showing the public how the Visitors really look under their human disguise. They do manage to infiltrate a press conference and rip half the face off John, the leader. But the telecast is dismissed as a fake to the public.

Good Visitor Willie (Robert Englund) is captured by the Resistance and they experiment on him, trying to find a way to stop the Visitors. This solution happens when Robin’s twins are born. One of them looks human, except for a lizard tongue, and the other looks like baby Godzilla. The lizard one eventually dies because of a bacteria—and Julie and the other scientists use this to create “The red dust”, which is fatal to the alien invaders.

Juliet is captured and Diana tries to brainwash her like she has so many others.

She’s subjected to nightmares that involve being chased by a big iguana. Why she’s suddenly have a phobia to lizards is a mystery to me, since the lizard aliens want her to be on their side, after all. Covert Ops agent Ham Tyler (Michael Ironside) is introduced and he basically takes over the Resistance. He and Donovan are at odds because of incidents from their past.

Robin’s half-breed child, who she names Lisabeth, rapidly matures, so that she looks like she’s eight years old. And the kid has powers. A priest who is a member of the Resistance kidnaps her and takes her to Diana, hoping that she will be a bridge between the two species and it will stop the war. But Diana kills him and then studies the kid. Eventually enough of the Red Dust is created to chase the Visitors off the planet and it looks like Victory (until the television series).

This second mini-series is not nearly as entertaining as the first, primarily because it’s too haphazard and too many things are thrown in. The whole thing with the “Star Child” truly sucks. And I forgot what a bad special effect that lizard baby was—it’s basically a latex hand puppet! This all reminds me why I’ve enjoyed the recent V series so much more...

V (2009)

This update of the 1980s series is well-handled and surprisingly good, akin to what the new Battlestar Galactica is to the old show. First four episodes sets up the story line for the series. It cleverly answers all those questions we may have had about the visitors the first time around, such as why they don’t have a problem wearing the human costumes all the time and how they know so much about humans if they just arrived in their ships. All of the characters are different than in the original mini-series. Anna (Morena Baccarin of Firefly) is the leader of all the Visitors and she comes across very sincere and friendly, though she’s really the complete opposite. The aliens themselves dress like normal humans, no red jumpsuits and sunglasses. Erica Evans (Elizabeth Mitchell of Lost) is the FBI agent who is suspicious of the aliens from the get-go and she becomes involved with the Resistance movement once she learns what they really look like (lizards!) their true intentions are. Her teenaged son becomes enamored with the Visitors and secretly joins a youth group. There, he becomes attracted to the blonde Lisa (Laura Vandervoort of Smallville) who turns out to be Anna’s daughter. Father Jack Landry (Joel Gretsch of The 4400) is also suspicious of the aliens’ intentions and is worried that humanity will start worshipping them. The biggest surprise, however, is Ryan Nichols, who is called back into the Resistance movement, which he was involved with years ago. Yes, the Visitors have been on Earth for years impersonating humans, planting the seeds for their invasion. In fact, Ryan is an alien, though his human fiance has no idea about this.

V For Vendetta (2006)

This is a faithful, not to mention timely, adaptation of the DC comic. In the not-too-distant future, England is ruled by Chancellor Adam Sutler (John Hurt), who, in pursuit of power, has taken a lot of rights away from his citizens. V (Hugo Weaving of The Matrix and Lord of the Rings movies) is a mysterious masked crusader, who wants to restore the government/power to the people and end Sutler’s regime. He befriends Evey Hammond (Natalie Portman), who may be able to help him reach his goal. There’s also Inspector Eric Finch (Stephen Rhea), who eventually realizes he’s working for the wrong side. There are plenty of twists and turns, particularly in regard to Hammond’s imprisonment, and V remains a mysterious, fascinating character. This is one of the best movies of 2006.

V-World Matrix (1999)

“V-World, where your wildest, most forbidden fantasies become reality—even if it’s murder!” Two guys, Mr. Evans and Mr. Gordon, partipants in a virtual reality game encounter another player who likes to kill. Although the script and direction are decent there’s no way to effectively pull off this particular idea at this low budget. For example, when the two guys have a fantasy of having sex with two women you’d think they’d pick some ‘model’ types, not what they get. Also, lack of visually interesting sets and commonplace settings further work against the script. Imagine MATRIX made for a nickel and you get the idea. Written by Tim Sullivan, probably best known for writing a few of the ‘V series’ paperbacks in the 80’s.

Vacancy (2007)

Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale are David and Amy Fox, who take a wrong turn and end up far far away from the highway. Their car breaks down after they stop at a gas station for help and so they get a room at the local, run-down hotel run by a creepy Frank Whaley. What they soon discover is that the place is used to make snuff videos and that many of the murders happened in this same room. They even watch some of the videotapes left there by the television, probably so they’d get frightened and make a run for it. This just adds to the fun for the killers, as they chase them around the rooms and through tunnels entwining underneath the complex.

This is somewhat like an Alfred Hitchcock movie but because you know the producers aren’t going to kill off the main characters it diminishes a great deal of the suspense. I, for one, would love to see Kate Beckinsale get violently killed off in a movie one day.

Vacancy 2: The First Cut (2009)

At the beginning of the movie it’s stated that this is about the very first couple that was murdered at the Meadow View Motel. There’s a newly married Asian couple who leave right after they have sex and this introduces the shady owners of the place, who are videotaping them having sex. Then a guy, “Mr Smith”, checks in with a woman. And while they are watching them through the hidden camera witness the guy brutally stabbing her to death. They manage to knock him out and tie him up in a room, not quite sure what to do with him. Around this time their sex video distributor shows up and sees the murder footage. It’s then that “Mr Smith” proposes a working arrangement—he’ll do the killings, they videotape and sell the videos and they split the profits. They agree.

Then young couple Caleb and Jessica (Agnes Bruckner of BLOOD AND CHOCOLATE) show up and it looks as if they’ll have their first snuff film stars. But they don’t realize that their friend, Tanner, is also with them and he’s snuck into a vacant room. There he sees that the room is wired with cameras. They decide to sneak out and are stopped. The serial killer wants them.

This is a good prequel because it gets from A to B in an unexpected way. Also, the action isn’t restricted solely to the motel room. Some of the characters manage to escape through the woods to a nearby house. I also didn’t expect that ending. Vacancy 2 is a lot like Tobe Hooper’s Eaten Alive, only without the man-eating alligator.

Valentine (2001)

This slasher movie surprised me. It’s better than Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer, which in truth isn’t saying all that much. But most of the characters are so irritating and mean-spirited that you look forward to them being killed off. The movie hooks you and keeps you guessing until the end who the killer really is. A young geeky boy is taunted at a sixth grade Valentine’s Day dance after asking a group of popular girls to dance with him and is sent to reform school for allegedly attacking one of them. She lied. Eighteen years later we catch up with the women, who are all knock-outs. And as it nears Valentine’s Day they all receive these really creepy Cards. One by one the women are killed off, presumably by this kid who they traumatized. Sure, the film isn’t all that original but it is an entertaining way to spend 90 minutes.

Valerie (2003)

Jay Lind’s vampire movie concerns an eighteen-year-old girl who is attacked and raped by a man in her bedroom. She’s left bruised and beaten. Her evil stepfather insists it was a boyfriend she let in but she insists it was a vampire that attacked her. And she’s afraid she is changing into one. She has very involved, gothic nightmares of being a bloodsucker, not only biting men but women. In fact, there’s a lot of naked women in her dreams, as there’s this whole sexual identity thing going on. Meanwhile, murders are happening in the vicinity. Is it the work of the same vampire that attacked her? Or maybe it’s her, attacking these innocent people. Although there’s enough nudity to qualify as an E.I. Cinema feature there’s a big difference here—there’s a good psychological story with engaging characters.

Vampire (1979)

In one of the better made for television horror movies, Jason Miller and E.G. Marshall are vampire hunters after vampire Richard Lynch. The vampire is responsible for a string of gruesome murders in San Francisco and had killed Miller’s wife. This movie has a very gothic feel to it, much in the spirit of Dark Shadows, and doesn’t shy away from violence. The vampire, however, is never destroyed because this TV pilot was never continued as a series...

Vampire Bats (2005)

This is a very tame killer bat movie that premiered on CBS. Lucy Lawless portrays a biology college professor who discovers that a strain of vampire bats have mutated from drinking the blood of poisoned deer. These bats are more aggressive, need to feed more often, and have an extra set of fangs which enable them to tear more readily into their prey. The professor becomes involved with the investigation after a few of her students are killed, then ‘Xena-outs’ and tracks down the creatures to their lair. The movie is just ‘blah’, with no real suspense or frights. The bats, however, do look better than the ones in Bats.

Vampire Circus (1972)

In the early 1800’s the inhabitants of an Austrian Village, sick of their children being kidnapped and killed by the evil Count Mitterhaus, invade his castle. There’s a brief battle and he’s staked in the heart. He vows that he’ll return from the grave and have revenge on them all. However, the woman he is with is the wife of the town’s teacher—and she runs back into the castle, presumably to die. They are wrong. She returns fifteen years later, looking like a gypsy woman. With her is a strange traveling circus, complete with chimp, a panther and an old fat tiger. Oh, and an evil dwarf clown. And yes, vampires. The twin acrobats are her children and the panther transforms into Emil, the Count’s cousin. Emil seduces the mayor’s daughter and ends up killing her, then sets his sights on the teacher’s daughter. When enough of the villagers’ blood is spilled on the Count’s corpse, he comes back to life, though it’s short-lived, since he’s quickly beheaded. This is one of the weirder Hammer vampire movies, up there with The Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires. I particularly liked the lion-taming scene with the naked striped girl and the sequence with the acrobats who transform back and forth into bats in front of an audience, though they don’t make the connection between them and the vampire slayings. ?. Recommended.

Vampire Femmes (1999)

Three vampire women, posing as prostitutes (what else?), prey on unsuspecting victims. There are lots of breasts, lots of fangs, lots of predictability. Directed by actor (The Laughing Dead, Twilight of the Dogs)/author (Destiny’s End, The Martian Viking) Tim Sullivan.

Vampire Night (2001)

A young woman (Heather Metcalfe) moves to Hollywood to pursue her acting dream because she got rave reviews in her high school play. Her brother (Jimmy Jerman), a former military man, isn’t so keen on her going there, but supports her endeavor nevertheless. She goes to an audition for a strange one-act play involving vampires-and becomes involved in a vampire coven lead by the evil Vezrech. When she disappears her brother starts investigating and involves one of his buddies to help locate her. Needless to say it’s tough getting her out of their clutches. There are some good ideas here, particularly the part with the head vampire feeding off his vampiress harem so he won’t produce anymore vampires. They feed on the victims and then he feeds on them. The direction is good, the female vampires appropriately slutty and the cinematography by Dennis Devine (Things) brings it up a notch. There’s also an appearance by Countess Vladmira. Directed by Jason Stephens.

Vampire Resurrection (2003)

I have mixed feelings about this movie. On one hand I liked the script by Ron Ford and Jose Prendes—it was a good homage to Dark Shadows and I grew up on Dark Shadows. I also liked the brief makeup effects by Ralis Kahn-there’s a cool throat slashing of Ron Ford in a cameo and the look of the vampire is great. And it’s always good to see Geoffrey Lewis (Night of the Comet, Salem’s Lot and father of Juliet Lewis) in a movie. He’s one of the great character actors. BUT the look of the movie, the directing and most of all the casting really suck. I felt like I was watching a student film. In many of the dream scenes and when the vampire appears, it’s as if someone went insane with the fog machine-it’s ridiculous. And the absolute worse thing you can do in a movie, and it’s an easily fixable thing by cropping the picture,is to show the microphones. There’s a kitchen seen where you can clearly see the boom mike at the top of the screen going from actor to actor-and you see the microphone later in another scene. Not only does this totally break the ‘reality’ of the movie, as if slamming into a brick wall, it shows that they had non-professionals shooting and doing audio on the movie. It made it seem amateurish. Director/Producer Denice Duff, while a decent actress in most things I’ve seen, particularly Jose Prende’s The Monster Man and the Subspecies films, way overacts here. I think there was no one for her to get feedback on her performance or something. The guy who was cast as the vampire is creepy as the vampire-skinny and gaunt-but is no leading man. If they ever make another Sleepy Hollow movie they have to cast him as Ichabod Crane. The movie was supposed to be a love story and there’s absolutely no chemistry between these leads, which is a problem.

Vampire Vermont (2000)

Chris Mack’s feature film debut is an unsettling blend of kitsch and blatant horror, concerning a group of disparate friends who are vacationing at a secluded house in Vermont. They soon discover that it’s anything but Maple syrup the local inhabitants want! One of the women wanders out into the woods and meets a vampire, but when she awakens no one believes her. He eventually shows up at their doorstep, claiming to be a friend of the woman’s deceased brother. Yet her brother, who resembles a cross between Opie Taylor and David Spade, isn’t really dead, just one of the undead. Among the first people transformed is a pothead, which makes for an incredibly disgusting scene later when he’s shown trying to grind raw meat in a juicer, then using blood instead of water in his bong! And then there is the scene with the vampire sucking blood out of IV tubes! Overall, a decent addition to the filmic vampire mythos.

Vampire Wars (1998)

A mercenary is hired by the French Secret Service after two incidents happen: a brutal attack to a Nasa base and a CIA operative found floating in a river in Paris, his throat ripped out. The Secret Service thinks there’s a connection. It turns out that a young woman named Lamia Vindlaw is the focus of event, with both the CIA and a cult of vampires interested in her. She has a blood type that is not human—and she and the vampires, who have been on Earth for thousands of years, are aliens. Interesting, a lot of info jam packed into this 60-minute video!

Vampire Wars (2006)

This is one of the better vampire movies I’ve seen in the past few years. Usually when they take a monster and put him in space (Leprechaun 4, Critters 4, Dracula 3000) the movie usually sucks. But in Vampire Wars they manage to make the creatures even more dangerous and horrendous. In the voice-over at the beginning of the film, it’s explained that when mankind started exploring space he encountered alien life-forms-and they were all vampiric.

There are soldiers who hunt down the vampires and the tale is about one of those crews. The Captain, who we think will be the lead character throughout, is killed and it’s up to his new second in command (who has a shady past) to bring the disgruntled crew together. Oh, and one of the crew members is also a vampire, the result of two humans who were changed who became pregnant. She has a very unique power, which comes in handy later on. We’re introduced to troglodyte vampires, vampires who look like Nosferatu and even these eel-like vampires which take over humans and use them as hosts. Actor Michael Ironside (Scanners, V: The Series) portrays one nasty vampire. If there’s only one vampire movie you want to see this year-then this is the one. Also known as Bloodsuckers.

Vampire, The (1957)

In a small midwestern town a scientist creates a pill that can revert human behavior to its most primal. He dies-but not before he gives the deadly prescription to the town’s doctor, who accidently mistakes it later on for his migraine medication. He very quickly becomes addicted to it, feeding on the local populace. It turns him in to this caveman-looking creature who feeds on blood. A side effect of his feeding is that he transmits a strange blood disease to his victims, who soon die. This flick really reminded me of The Neanderthal Man, which in turn is your usual Jeckyll & Hyde story.

Vampire’s Assistant: Cirque du Freak, The (2009)

This is one of the more odd vampire movies out there, thankfully a lot different than the TWILIGHT movies. The story is primarily about two high school friends, Darren and Steve. When they sneak off to see a freak show that has arrived in town, Darren becomes enamored with this really strange red spider, since he loves arachnids. And Steve recognizes one of the performers as a two hundred year old vampire named Larten Crepsley (John C. Reilly). Darren, out of character, steals the spider but not before he overhears his friend ask the vampire to transform him into one of the undead. The vampire tastes his blood and says it’s no good and he’d make a bad vampire. Steve is angry.

The next day Darren takes the spider to school where it escapes and bites Steve, who lapses into a coma. In order to save him, Darren goes back to the circus for an antidote. But Crepsley agrees only if Darren agrees to become his assistant—which means he has to become a vampire. Darren dies and his family and friends think he’s dead. Then, he begins working at this very odd place, the circus of freaks. There’s a mangy flea-bitten werewolf and a guy with a really long head. There’s also these small, golem-like creatures in robes which are a complete rip-off from the crushed down dead body dwarves in the Phantasm films. It’s way too similar for it to be a coincidence. They are even created by a scary looking dude named Mr Tiny (Michael Cerveris of Fringe, Stake Land), who is a bit like The Tall Man. Things get complicated when Steve is transformed into an evil, murderous vampire and Darren has to fight his former best friend. Mr Tiny wants Darren on his side, a theme which I assume continues in the book series upon which this film is based.

Basically, The Vampire’s Assistant is an amalgamation of everything that’s been done before. It’s does for horror and vampires what the Harry Potter films do for fantasy. I recommend it much more for the visual effects than anything else.

Vampires of Sorority Row, The (1999)

A young woman named Cindy finds a hidden tape recording in her trailer, which informs her that her entire trailer park is infested with vampires. After killing a vampire she packs up and leaves her old life behind. One year later she is a pledge at a college sorority-but it becomes infested with vampires as well and she has to convince the others that the threat is real. There’s plenty of sorority jokes, goofy humor and an eyefull of breasts. With so many different elements thrown in the movie remains quick paced and entertaining. If you like your horror films sunny side up then this is a movie for you. Directed by Kathryn Glass and Dennis Devine (Amazon Warrior).

Vampires: Los Muertos (2002)

This is one of the worst sequels I have ever seen. Tenuously connected to the first movie, this is about another vampire bounty hunter by the name of Bliss and how he’s after an evil female vampire in Mexico. Unlike the Carpenter movie the vampires here are totally unthreatening. And I couldn’t decide who was the worst actor—Jon Bon Jovi as Bliss or Natasha Wagner (Modern Vampires) as his half vampire helper. I think it was a tie. They really shouldn’t have released this movie—they should have buried it.

Vampires: The Turning  (2005)

This third installment of John Carpenter’s Vampires franchise is much better than the second, not as good as the first, which is to be expected, considering the lower budget and unknown actors. As a stand-alone vampire movie, it’s decent & different enough. A young couple is on vacation in Thailand. After they attend a local kickboxing match, which the woman clearly is repulsed by, she decides that their relationship isn’t working out-and decides to leave him. Before he can go after her she’s abducted by a gang of vampires that haunt the area. He follows and is attacked by a few of the bloodsuckers and is saved at the last minute by a mysterious sword wielding man who tells him to go home and forget about his girlfriend. OF course, he doesn’t listen, and finds himself drawn into this battle between two vampire factions. The one that has abducted the woman is the evil gang, who like to prey upon humans. The gang the sword guy belongs to don’t drink human blood and try to protect the humans. They’ve formed an uneasy alliance with the local vampire bounty hunters to get rid of the other faction. The goal of the ‘good’ vampires is to put their leader, who looks like a young woman, to rest after 800 years-and by doing so everyone of the vampires created from her bloodline will become mortal again. This gives our main character an excuse to temporarily become a vampire and try to rescue his girlfriend, which he ultimately does. The effects are good and the movie is fast paced. It brought to mind Hammer’s The Seven Brothers Meet Dracula, which I also find quite entertaining.

Vamps: Deadly Dreamgirls (1995)

No, not a sequel to the Grace Jones movie but it mine as well be. Female vampires, posing as strippers, entice men to their doom. A young woman, down and out on her luck, joins the ‘Vamps’ club—not knowing that she’ll soon become one of the undead. To complicate things even more she falls in love with a priest, who is in a crisis of faith. Although it is slightly predictable the scenario of the movie makes it all too watchable.

Van Helsing (2004)

The first fifteen minutes were interesting, particularly the black and white photography with the torch wielding villagers storming Castle Frankenstein. The loony doctor, assisted by an albino-looking Igor, turns out to be working for Dracula. And Dracula wants to use Frankenstein’s life restoring process to hatch his own offspring. That’s where this movie goes horribly wrong. Dracula and his Bride’s children hatch out of these lumpy cocoons and look like gremlins with wings. They are utterly silly. Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) himself is kind of a non-entity, a cross between Indiana Jones and Wolverine, though without the personality. He works for the Vatican to rid the world of evil and that’s all we know about him until the end, when we’re told who he really is. But by that time you really don’t care if he’s the friggin tooth fairy. Every shot is a special effect, becoming so extreme it’s as if you’re watching an animated movie or a video game. Too much of this becomes incredibly boring because it eliminates all plausibility. Since the human characters can bounce off walls and fall five floors without hurting themselves who cares? Two thirds way through the movie half the audience (6 of them) in the theater got up and left, shaking their heads. And these were teenagers, the target audience!The most irritating special effect is with the vampire brides. When they turn into these harpy-looking creatures they are totally naked yet have no nipples on their breasts and are genitally like Barbie dolls. I suppose if they made them anatomically correct they wouldn’t have gotten the PG-13 rating.Sadly, the most expensive horror movie ever made isn’t really a horror movie at all, it’s an action video game that just happens to have monsters in it. It’s also the biggest insult to horror fans ever made. In fact, my greatest wish related to this movie is that writer/director Stephen Sommers be bludgeoned to death with a copy of his script.Sure, this movie cost nearly 200 million dollars to make but a gold plated turd is still a turd.

Van Helsing: The London Assignment (2003)

I found this animated prequel to be more entertaining than the overblown movie. The story involves the Mr. Hyde character, and how Dr. Jeckyll is using that persona to capture the youth from his victims (the Ripper’s victims). What he does with this captured youth is to make the Queen of England younger so that he can take her away and marry her. It seems that he had a crush on her for the past forty years-and through his recent discoveries-and these helpful demons living under London-is able to try to make his dream of romance come true. In comes Van Helsing and his monk sidekick. It ends just before the events at the beginning of the Van Helsing movie.

Van, The (2003)

What a great idea for a movie-a haunted/cursed van! Rusty Guzner (Colin Malone) is a serial killer who drives the vehicle, searching for prey. This character is memorable, vicious & for some reason reminded me of Billy Bob Thornton with a hangover. Anyways, two other stories trace the van’s past to its previous owners. One is a young man obsessed with getting his foreign exchange student girlfriend back-and he ends up a demented stalker. And then there’s Paul, a mentally-challenged dishwasher who has a strong desire to drive his own vehicle. He finds the van, abandoned on the street, and quickly adopts it as his own. He doesn’t seem too upset by the dead bodies within. His personality changes to evil and people who were his friends start to die. The thing that really sets this apart from other Indy productions is the quality of acting-I felt that I was just watching these characters in these bad situations, not watching ‘actors’. For not one moment did I hit the fast-forward button the the DVD player. The Van is a fun and horrific ride.

Vanilla Sky (2001)

Contrary to everything I’ve heard about this Tom Cruise film—this is a great movie! From the advertisements on television it made it seem as if this was a Fatal Attraction type thriller. In truth, it’s more like Jacob’s Ladder with a science-fiction twist. Cruise portrays a playboy who has inherited his father’s mega-million dollar publishing company, but he’s aimless and careless about the people he interacts with. One of them is Cameron Diaz, who he thinks of as a ‘fuck buddy’ but she is deeply in love with him. When he starts ignoring her she goes psycho and starts to stalk him. When he falls in love with a hispanic women he meets at a party she really flips out—and tries to commit suicide by crashing her car. The only problem is that Cruise is in the vehicle with her. We then cut to him in jail, wearing a mask—and it’s implied he has killed someone. The linear format of the movie changes and we go back and forth in time (not sure if it’s forward or backward) as we try to figure out what’s going on? Is he being blamed for her death, did he kill her, is he being framed? Or is it something so completely different he can’t even imagine the explanation? Check this movie out!

Vanishing on 7th Street (2010)

Paul (John Leguizamo of Night Owl, Land of the Dead) is a projectionist in a movie theater complex in Detroit. He’s working when something weird happens. The lights flicker and when he goes outside everyone has vanished. Just their clothes are left behind. And all electricity is gone. Then there’s Luke (Hayden Christensen), a news field reporter for a local news station. He pretty much just cares about himself, as we can see 72 hours later when he’s hiding in a car and someone begs for his help and he doesn’t give it. Another character is Rosemary, a woman who is vainly searching for her infant son. He has vanished along with all the others but thinks that the boy’s father may have taken him somewhere.

The last character is young James, a twelve-year-old boy (Jacob Latimore) who has stayed within his mother’s bar, keeping the generator going. She had gone off to the local church and didn’t return. All four characters end up at this building and try to figure out what to do but it seems hopeless. It’s the middle of the day but there is no daylight outside. And the generator is failing. Do they just accept their fates or try to make a run for it? You see, the shadows seem to be alive and they consume people. Each character has a theory. Paul thinks it has something to do with “Dark Matter” and that this happened before, such as the vanishing colony of Roanoke in American history. Rosemary’s explanation is religious. Luke doesn’t care—he simply wants to survive, though he ends up caring about the others.

On one hand this is sort of like a zombie movie, only without the zombies. In fact, it’s more terrifying because the villain/threat is this unknown darkness. How do you fight shadows? Also, the beginning of the movie starts off almost exactly like the 80’s movie Night of the Comet. In that film a woman is in a movie projection booth when everyone disappears—and when she emerges sees that just their clothes are left behind. The very same thing happens with Leguizamo’s character here, which leads me to believe this is an intentional nod to that movie. Vanishing on 7th Street is a low-key, effective horror movie. If you enjoyed director Brad Anderson’s The Machinist or Session 9, you’ll love this.

Vengeance of She, The (1967)

A young blonde buxom woman named Carol keeps on having these weird hallucinations, which call her by the name ‘Ayesha’. She’s pulled towards this mysterious force, which turns out to be the mysterious, ancient city of Kuma, hid away in a hidden valley in Africa. Once there, she’s treated as the reincarnation of their Queen Ayesha. Even the immortal King Killikrates believes this to be true. But all isn’t as it seems—Killikrate’s sorcerer may have some plans of his own and Carol may not be the reincarnation of his lost love. Although not quite as good as She (with Ursulla Andress) this is a decent sequel. From Hammer Films, directed by Cliff Owen.

Venom (2005)

When I watched this Kevin Williamson produced horror flick I kept on thinking that it was made about ten years too late. It’s your basic Friday the 13th/Scream scenario with the stock teenage characters, sort of Dawson’s Creek meets Jason. The only original thing is how the dead guy is possessed by all these murderous spirits because of a voodoo mistake—but far too little time is spent on this character. It’s too bad that Venom lacks any bite.

Venomous (2000)

The army creates a mutant form of rattlesnake that carries with it a deadly virus fatal to humans. They escape and ten years later have greatly increased in number. In a small desert town, which is suffering aftershocks of an earthquake, people start dying of a strange illness. Local doctors figure out what’s going on but there are those in the Army who don’t want anyone to know about the snakes or that particular experiment. So it’s a race against time to not only find a cure for the virus but to stop the army before they nuke the town. This movie definitely has aspects of films Rattlers (government creating crazy snakes) and Rattled (USA cable movie about snakes driven out of the ground by earthquakes). But not a bad killer animal movie.

Veritas: The Quest (2003)

This short-lived television series begins with seventeen-year-old genius Nikko Zond (Ryan Merriman of Final Destination 3), being kicked out of a prestigious school after he blows up a toilet. His father, Solomon (Alex Carter), comes to pick him up, not at all happy that his son has gotten expelled from yet another school. On the drive back to the airport they are chased by some sinister guys and the father, with the help of some roadside assistance from his home office, manages to elude them. These bad guys belong to a group called Dorna, who wants these secrets for themselves. Solomon takes Nikko to where he works, which is a high tech place that seems to deal with archeology. His father runs an organization called Veritas, which is after the truth—and this has much to do with the research of Nikko’s mother, Haley Cayce, who proposed that civilization began much earlier than history teaches. Other members of the Veritas group are Juliet Droil (Cobie Smulders), who is a research assistant and Nikko’s tutor, Calvin Banks. who treats Nikko like a kid brother, Maggie, and Vincent (Arnold Vosloo), who used to work for the other side.

They find a hidden tomb in the middle of a Paris graveyard and recover an ancient map that shows Antarctica, not covered by ice. They match this to a recent satellite picture and it matches exactly. In the next episode they are off to Antarctica to find this new power source, which turns out to be a huge pyramid hidden beneath the ice. Of course, the secret organization that is after them. Then, it’s off to Germany to retrieve a crystal skull that’s hidden in one of Hitler’s bunkers. Nikko is visited by a strange guy, who knows his every movie and gives hints to the location of the object. When they finally do retrieve it and do a facial reconstruction it looks just like the crazy guy who was helping Nikko, which means these beings still exist.

In Mummy Virus, one of the members of the group, Maggie, is contaminated and starts transforming into a living mummy, just like the ones found at the South American archeological dig. She also gains knowledge that’s spread along with it and is able to translate some of that ancient language. It turns out the virus was genetically engineered thousands of years ago. In another episode they rescue a ten year old Russian kid named Alexi from his government because he can speak all known languages and may be able to translate the hieroglyphics from the Antarctic expedition. However, there is a religious sect that wants to stop him from doing this since they believe the language he knows is the devil’s tongue and if spoken will begin the Apocalypse. In the episode Avalon, they find a druidic coffin in the Midwest and trace its origins to a small town in Michigan where the inhabitants all follow the same druidic religion. However, they are practicing a sort of human sacrifice and it looks like Nikko is one of the ones selected for this particular honor. Then, it’s off to Italy to find a lost diary of Leonardo DaVinci. Learn that the benefactor of the Veritas Organization is actually a high ranking member of Dorna and that he sent Vincent to work with them...

In Eternal, they find a journal of Hayley Cayce that she wrote when she was 13 after being lost in the Siberian wilderness for a month. She tells how she was rescued by a Native American and taken to an underground Spring where she was healed. The group manages to find the place and it definitely has longevity properties and alludes that because of what happened to his mother Niko may be special. This is confirmed in The Hemholtz Resonance, in which they go to the mountains in France and find a hidden castle in search of a piece of “The Ring of Truth” which when put together will show the power of God. At the end of the episode Nikko demonstrates telekinetic abilities, which would have opened up the series in a new direction.

I really dug this series when it originally aired and I enjoyed it more on the second viewing. It has a great ensemble cast and is definitely not your typical television show.

Versus (2002)

Like Junk, another Japanese zombie movie, this combines the criminal underworld with the undead. Yet, whereas Junk is more of a conventional zombie flick, Versus is an epic. Two brothers, one supposedly good, the other evil, are vying for power in a place called the Resurrection Forest, in which there is one of the gateways to Hell. There’s lots of POV camera shots zooming through the forest, vaguely like Evil Dead, and the zombies here move FAST and are able to use weapons. It turns out that one of the brothers is hundreds of years old-and that he had killed his younger brother, who is now reincarnated and only beginning to get his memories back. Not only are they fighting as to who will survive and be able to leave the Forest, their battle will determine the fate of mankind. Versus is one of the most original zombie movies I have ever seen.

Vicious (2003)

This is a good old fashioned monster movie. A group of friends go on a fishing trip in the woods. One of them has brought his fiancee and the other two guys aren’t too keen on the idea. They’d rather tell dirty stories and drink beer (of course!). Near the lake is government property. It just so happens that this is also where an experiment has gotten loose. There’s this huge, Relic-type dinosaur looking monster which is killing people. To make matters worse there’s someone who is feeding it, a rogue government operative named Kane (Tom Savini). He leads unsuspecting people to it, like the campers, and then hides the remainders in the basement of an old building. The man in charge of the secret government project sends in two Marines to kill Kane and the monster. Kane kills them first. There are a few more deaths, of people who inadvertently stumble into the area. And in the end, only the camper couple is left alive. Now, hey not only have to survive Kane but defeat this huge monster. his movie moves and the acting is top notch except for one of the actors-Tom Savini. Sure, it’s cool to have Savini’s name on a picture-but we all remember him for doing great special effects, like Dawn of the Dead, Creepshow, Monkey Shines. That’s what he should be doing—not half-acting in these types of movies. He never got lauded for his acting! It’s those effects he used to do—the EFFECTS! Compared to the rest of the cast he stands out like a sore thumb. Still, this is one of the better killer animal movies to come to the video store shelves in quite while. Don’t rent the latest giant rat, spider or bee movie—check Vicious out instead. Directed by Matt Green.

Vicious Sweet, The (1997)

Tyler Phenix is a ‘Scream Queen’ estranged with her filmic career, that is, until an overzealous fan kidnaps and imprisons her in an underground cell. What ensues during the next hour and a half is more or less a forced therapy session, where via flashbacks and some truly horrific and effective fantasy sequences, she is forced to face her past...and herself. Not nearly as exploitive as it sounds, this second feature by Ron Bonk (City of the Vampires 1995) is testament that direct-to-video features can surpass multi-million dollar Hollywood fare in terms of watchability with an original script and top-notch acting. This is lead Sasha Graham’s (Addicted to Murder series) best performance to date.

Village, The (2004)

The one thing I like most about M. Night Shyamalan’s films is that he never fails to surprise his audience. And The Village had me going up until the last few minutes, which is something considering I’m such a jaded viewer. The movie starts with a funeral-and a father weeping over the coffin of his dead seven-year-old son. The date on the tombstone says 1890-1897. The Village, as it’s known, is built in a valley surrounded by Covington Forest. In this forest live strange, ferocious creatures, or so the Elders of the community tell their children. For years there has been a truce between the humans and the creatures-but now that truce has been broken. The creatures have overstepped the borders and are leaving skinned animal carcasses about and making these red colored marks on people’s doors. Of course, everyone is terrified. When one of the young men is seriously injured it’s reluctantly agreed that a party is sent out to ‘the towns’, to get medicine that would keep him alive. And what they experience-and ultimately find out as they travel through this forest-is a shocker. I think this is one of those movies, though, where you either really love it or really hate it. As I was exiting the theater I kept on overhearing people say that it was the worst movie that they’d seen, that it was a total waste of time. Of course, this is coming from your average overweight midwesterner whose idea of fine dining is going to Red Robin (I just mention this because this is where they said they were going to-which proves my point). If you hate thinking about a movie or don’t want to see something unique, then don’t bother seeing this film as it will probably confuse you.

Vindicator, The (1984)

Made several years before the first Robocop movie, this Frankenstein-like story is remarkably similar in plot and tone to that franchise. A scientist, Dr. Carl Lehman, is killed by one of this co-workers in an exploding lab accident. His pregnant wife believes him dead-but the other scientists at his research facility have secretly taken his body and used it in an experiment. They have placed his corpse in this new mechanical suit, originally designed for explorers on Mars, and this keeps his brain alive and allows him to move around. There’s a device, however, built into the suit which makes him want to kill anything that comes near him, which is controlled by a remote-control device. The device is inadvertently removed before he awakens to his robotic life-and as a result the female scientist who is present ends up being killed. The man in charge of this project is Lehman’s boss, Dr. Randolph Whyte, who is as nasty as a villain can get. He’ll do anything to protect his project-and himself. He is determined to have the out-of-control ‘Vindicator’ killed so he hires an assassin named Hunter (Pam Grier in an over-the-top performance) to do just that. Lehman does contact his wife and tells her what is happening, knowing he can never be with her. At one point, when he is able to remove his metallic helmet, he sees his reflection-and his ravaged face looks like Dr. Phibe’s The finale of the movie is a physical confrontation between Lehman and Whyte, who has donned one of the other experimental robotic suits. They tumble about the lab until only one is left standing. Granted, The Vindicator is slow at times and the comparable Robocop is a far better movie, yet it’s still an interesting Sci-Fi/Horror B-movie.The Vindicator costume, by the way, is designed by Stan Winston Studio.

Virtual Nightmare (2000)

A man drives around his small hometown in a brand new convertible. The style of everything is 1950’s but people have cell-phones, HDTV and computers-and an announcer on the radio says something about Kurt Cobain’s children’s Christmas album coming out soon. Indeed a very different world. This man starts seeing things, though, like numbers and bar codes on everyday items-even seeing his parents as crippled, burned-out looking people. In fact, the more he sees these things the more he suspects that his own reality isn’t real. It’s finally revealed to him by a group of people that it’s really a hundred years later than he thinks it is and that people live in this type of virtual reality because reality is simply too horrible after the wars and devastation. The people in the domed cities control the virtual reality. He believes this for a while-until he figures out that even this new reality is still virtual reality and that the real world is something else entirely. This is one of the better virtual reality type movies that came out after the matrix. Some cool ideas and interesting story here.

Virtuality (2009)

The crew of the spaceship Phaeton, now approaching Neptune, has to make a decision. Well, Commander Pike (New Amsterdam’s Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) has to make the final decision if they are to slingshot around the planet to get up to near light speed and head to an earth-like planet— or return to Earth. They keep on getting messages from earth that flooding is increasing, land is at a premium and that the human race would be extinct in a hundred years. They’re not sure if they are being falsely pressured or if it’s a genuine reality. Since space is limited on the ship they use virtual reality for escape and recreation. For example, the second in command, who is in a wheelchair, has adventures mountain climbing. A reporter has herself as a Buckaroo Banzai like heroine, who sings the Munsters theme song, in Japanese, to a screaming Japanese audience. That is a hoot.

Then weird things start happening with their virtual reality adventures—they are being interrupted by this strange blonde haired guy. In the instance of the commander, who is experiencing a Civil War fight, the blonde guy shoots him. The doctor, who discovers he has the early stages of Parkinson’s Disease, which may jeopardize the mission, is pushed over the edge of a cliff. What this does in both cases is make these guys less afraid of death, freeing them up for what may come, which is interesting.

Things take a turn for the worse when the Commander is nearly sucked out an airlock and is killed. He’d been having an affair with the psychologist’s wife in virtual reality and his death is suspicious. In the end, which seems abrupt, this woman encounters the commander in virtual reality, suggesting that his consciousness is still ‘alive’ and aware.

I found this an interesting, serious depiction of space travelers. Yes, it’s low-key but low key is good.

Visitation, The (2006)

A woman vet (Kelly Lynch) and her teenaged son move to a small town to get away from the troubles of the big city. But when her son joins a cult, led by a mysterious handyman named Brandon Nichols (Edward Furlong of Terminator 2), she indeed thinks her relocation is a big mistake. In fact, many of the townspeople start following this guy, especially when he starts to cure their illnesses and physical handicaps. She joins up with an ex-Reverend (Martin Donovan) and they discover exactly where these miraculous powers come from. This is a creepy, well-acted movie and the “twist-ending” works well, though it’s not entirely unexpected.

Visitors (2003)

A woman named Georgia (Radha Mitchell/ Pitch Black) goes on a lone sailing trip for 160 days-and starts hallucinating that she’s seeing ghosts and pirates.A cosmetics company has sponsored her voyage and in return she has to maintain a good image, which is sort of difficult when you’re going crazy...The movie cuts back and forth from the present, when she’s on the sailboat, to moments in her past, primarily with her father and mother. Her father is crippled, after having saved her from an accident when she was a child, and her mother (Susannah York, Superman) is nuts and suicidal. While Georgia is on the boat she learns of both of her parents dying-but only after she has ‘visitations’ from both of them, which makes you think they are actually ghosts. There are also these pirates she’s constantly warned about-and in a few scenes she thinks that they’ve snuck aboard. Although much more real we’re still not sure if she’s imagining all of this. Reality and fantasy become indistinguishable. This is an interesting movie and it keeps you guessing. The ending is sort of a cop out and far too ambiguous but the movie up until then was smooth sailing.

Vlad (2005)

Four foreign exchange students, on a research expedition, retrace a journey taken by Vlad Tepes’ through the Carpathian Mountains. Two of them are American brother & sister, one is an English guy who wishes he lived 500 years earlier, and the other woman is a native of the country. She carries with her an ancient amulet, which once belonged to The Impaler. This amulet at first causes her to see some events in Vlad’s life. It also brings from the past a woman named Ilona. And, of course, it brings forth Dracula himself, who desires to have the trinket. The only way to put the vampire to rest is to return the amulet to his hidden tomb. This is a very well produced, good looking movie with top notch actors. Brad Dourif has a brief role as the professor who put the students on their journey and Billy Zane (Demon Knight) does an understated performance as ‘Adrian’, whose job is to watch over the group and protect the amulet. Francesco Quinn portrays Vlad, and it is perhaps one of the most menacing portrayals of Dracula I’ve seen. Vlad is a surprisingly original and intriguing Dracula tale that you’ll find a cut above the rest. Written and directed by Michael Sellers.

Voodoo Dawn (2000)

This is one of the better Voodoo movies I’ve seen. And Michael Madsen, who seems to drift through about thirty direct to video movies a year, is great in this role. He portrays an inmate who learns how to use voodoo from his jailmate—and uses this power to gain revenge on the policeman who killed his brother. The policeman’s son gets involved with Madsen’s hooker/girlfriend, Rosanna Arquette, and things get complicated. This is one of those movies that keeps you guessing what will happen next.

Voodoo Moon (2006)

It’s Twenty years after a demonic massacre left two siblings, Cole (Eric Mabius) and Heather (Charisma Carpenter), parentless. Now Cole, who has become adept at magic, reunites with his artist sister and together they make their way back to their home town, which is now underwater because of a dam. They are also united with a group of people that Cole has helped in the past, including a biker (John Amos) and a zombie detective (Jefferey Combs). Dee Wallace, who seems to be in about every other horror movie released this past year, is a healer. What I like about this movie is that it feels as if you’ve jumped right into the middle of the storyline—and it works. Written, Produced, Edited & Directed by Kevin VanHook.

Vortex (2000)

One of the most disturbing movies this reviewer has seen in a long time, a David Lynch like Japanese movie about a town taken over by a vortex. The movie starts off deceptively slow, mostly about the relationship of a high school girl with her male friend, who seems to want to protect her. Nothing strange happens. But after the first half-hour the weirdness starts, with her friend’s father becoming obsessed with the Vortex, those twisting shapes you see on things like snail shells. And then more people start becoming taken over, all showing in different ways. Some of her fellow students start moving really slow, developing these strange humps on their backs-which turn out to be snail shells. There’s a scene where you see these two human snails sliding up the side of a building that is just f*cked up. And the movie gets weirder and creepier until the end. You have got to see this movie.

Voyage of the Unicorn (2001)

Professor Aisling (Beau Bridges) and his two daughers, Miranda and Cassie, are transported to a magical land of elves, dwarves and trolls after the trolls invade their University home. They encounter creatures from mythology, such as the Minotaur, a Sphinx, and befriend the Medusa, who becomes a love-interest for the father. The special effects and makeup effects are just ‘so-so’ and the story falls flat and predictable. Even if you’re a Lord of the Rings fan you’ll be hard pressed to sit through this family friendly fantasy.

Voyage to the Planets and Beyond (2004)

This fictionalized account of man’s first journey to the planets is done in a documentary style. Five astronauts from the International community (3 men, 2 women) are sent on a seven year voyage, first visiting Venus, then Mars, the moons of Jupiter, the Ring of Saturn and Pluto, at the end of our solar system. Interviews with the astronauts and earthbound technicians are interspersed with events from the journey, some of which are extremely harrowing. In fact, not everyone makes it back. The fact-based (in terms of the science) script, good performances and realistic special effects makes this a very convincing two hours-and makes you wish humanity would focus more of its efforts on space travel than the time wasting activities broadcast daily on CNN.

Vulcan (1997)

An orphan boy in the Phillipines finds a huge egg that hatches a pterosaur looking creature. He takes it with him into town and soon realizes that it’s a mistake because it is growing so quickly. So he takes it back to the sacred caves where he found him and encounters the indigenous natives, who worship the creature as a god. Every four hundred years a dinosaur hatches from the volcano.The boy and the pterosaur, which soon grows to adult size, become quick friends. He even rides on its back when it flies over the nearby city. They are caught on tape by a nosey investigative reporter and the image of the boy flying on the monster is seen by thousands, including a mercenary (Vernon Wells of The Road Warrior) and his boss (Robert Vaughn) who want to capture it and make money. They finally do catch it-and it’s up to the boy to free him. This is a somewhat mushy pre-teens movie, though the dinosaur is cool. The full-scale mockups of its head and talons look good-but in wide shots when it flies and lands, shaky stop-motion-animation is used, which undoes the illusion a bit.

“W” Titles

Wake the Witch (2010)

A student photographer named Deb (Stefanie Tapio) is taking pictures of her two friends, Trixie and Karen, out in the woods of Lincoln, Nebraska, for her college portfolio. Afterwards the trio come upon a length of iron chain and one of them recounts the legend of the local witch. She was hung a hundred years before by the townspeople and a huge iron chain was put around that same tree in order to keep her spirit bound there. She’s also supposed to grant people’s wishes so one of the friends makes a wish. This has dire consequences for her later on. Deb still lives with her mother and when she returns home sees that her older brother Mark (Martin Kenna) is visiting. He’s sick so is crashing out in his old bedroom. He explains that he got sick after seeing a huge white owl in the woods the night before. This is not only creepy it also suggests the writer recently watched The Fourth Kind.

Soon, the friend who made the wish has a seizure and is rushed to the hospital. Then, her brother starts acting weird. Deb and her other friend go back to the woods and are chased by a bunch of people in mud-covered hoodies. They take her friend. She reports this to the police but they don’t believe her. So she confides in her brother’s roommate, Brent, and he helps her, primarily because he’s interested in her, of course. Deb ultimately finds out the truth about everything in a secret underground chamber where the witch was imprisoned all those years ago.

Wake the Witch is a good, solid independent feature which demonstrates the high quality that achieved with $10,000 bucks and lots of creativity. Directed by Dorothy Booraem

Wake Wood (2011)

Patrick and Louise’s young daughter, Alice, is savagely killed by a dog. They move away, to a small village called Wake Wood—and are offered a unique opportunity by the inhabitants. They all belong to an ancient Druidic cult—and they are able to resurrect the dead for three days. This would allow time for Patrick and Louise to say their goodbyes to their daughter and end their mourning. However, there’s a catch. If they go through with the procedure then they’d have to remain for the rest of their lives in Wake Wood. They can never leave. Also, in order for this to work their daughter has to be dead less than a year, which they assure is the case. Of course, the returning Alice isn’t quite the same little girl. Some of the inhabitants pick this up right away—and the parents see this when their dog is slaughtered. Something with the resurrection did not go right and something else, besides Alice, has hitched a ride back...

Wake Wood is an extremely well-done, creepy as hell horror movie, and one of the best movie variations of  The Monkey’s Paw  I’ve seen. Highly recommended.

Walking Dead: Season One, The (2010)

This is a faithful adaptation of Robert Kirkman’s comic book of the same name, about a lawman named Rick who wakes up from a coma to find the world overrun by the living dead. He was shot by some criminals in the opening scene in which his partner was introduced. He stumbles out of the hospital and makes his way home to find his wife and young son gone. He has no idea how long he’s been asleep until he meets two other survivors—an African American man and his young son who have been living in a nearby house ever since the mother was bitten and transformed into a zombie. The guy can’t bring himself to kill her. Rick wants to go ahead and find a refugee camp the guy tells him about but has to go on his own. He finds a horse, which makes travel easier on the automobile clogged roads, and comes to the city. At first it seems deserted but then he runs into a huge group of them. He falls off the horse, which is immediately attacked and eaten alive, and he narrowly escapes by crawling underneath an army tank and making his way into the open hatch. Yet there’s a zombie inside he has to contend with. We also find out that Rick’s wife and son are alive and that his wife is now sleeping with his former partner. And from what I remember from the comic this doesn’t bode so well for the partner when the two former law men reunite...

The second episode, in which Rick is rescued (sort of) by Greg and is introduced to a group of survivors trapped in a department store, is better. In one of the most gruesome scenes I’ve ever seen on TV they chop up a zombie and then smear his rotted body parts over them so they can “blend” in with the zombies, since it’s established that they hunt by sense of smell. But when it begins to rain, washing off all the grue, the zombies start to notice them and attack. In this same episode Michael Rooker (Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, Slither) portrays a racist redneck who is handcuffed to the roof after he beats the crap out of another survivor for no good reason. As zombie movies go this is one of the better ones, primarily because of the source material which emphasized the living characters over the dead.

Walking Dead: Season Two, The (2011)

After fleeing the Center for Disease Control in Georgia, Rick and his group of survivors find themselves stuck on a highway of abandoned vehicles. When a large horde of the undead converge on them, young Sophia runs off into the woods. They spend days looking for her but no luck—and Rick feels responsible. Then, Carl is accidently shot by a guy named Otis, who then leads them back to the farm of Veterinarian Hershel Greene. Eventually, the others make it back to this farmland as well, though Sophia is still missing. The Vet manages to save Carl’s life and Rick and his wife are thankful. But there’s a secret Hershel is keeping— there are zombies being kept in the barn, including his own dead wife and relatives. He thinks there will be a cure. It isn’t until asshole Shane unlocks it and they storm out that he’s convinced otherwise. All the zombies are destroyed—including Sophia, who’d they’d been searching for all this time. Everyone seems to be safe on the farm. It’s isolated and far away from the hordes of zombies. But there’s potential problems from Shane, who thinks Rick is lousy leader and says as much. He wants to rekindle his relationship with Rick’s wife and son—and even believes that the baby she’s pregnant with is his baby. He wants his former partner out of the picture and Rick gives him every chance to redeem himself. He never does.

At the end of the season there’s an expected—and unexpected death—of two of the main characters. In the last episode a huge herd of zombies descends upon the farm, forcing the survivors to leave in a hurry. My main gripe is that too much is changed from the comic book. The girl Sophia is killed off (she’s still alive in the comic) and the whole thing with Shane is dragged on too far too long. That was really boring. This aside, this second season is far better than the first.The last half of the series makes up for the slow first half and the ending gets back on track to a few of my favorite aspects of the graphic novels—the Prison and machete wielding Michonne.

Walking with Cavemen (2003)

This is almost as cool as Walking with Dinosaurs. But instead of a lot of that action there’s back and forth between reinactments and the host of the show—Alec Baldwin, who does remind one of a caveman, actually. The computer animation is pretty amazing, showing our various ancestors and the prehistoric animals they shared the world with. I could’ve done without Baldwin though, he’s just too damn smarmy.

Waning Solstice (2005)

This independent horror flick has a complicated plot that the budget can’t quite do justice to. A witch hunter by the name of Martin Del Rio, from the early 1600’s, ends up taking a demon into himself in order to battle a demon queen named Oullette. This demon inside allows him to live until present day, where he hooks up with a group of kids, one of which is obsessed with the occult. He’s nerdy guy with a buzz cut. Someone has called forth queen Oullette and her demons start attacking people. Almost all of the friends are killed in various ways-and in the end they’re chased by this big crowd of zombies, most the denizens of the town of Chico, California. In the end the three survivors get in a car, not knowing where they are going. One says ‘How about Mexico’, while another replies ‘We just got out of a Romero horror movie, you want to go into a Rodriguez one?’. Then the third says ‘What about Canada?’ and the reply is ‘Wendigo’ (a monster of Native America legend). Some of the special effects are decent, such as a scene in which one of the characters is being ripped apart by these two female demons. They are creepy looking. Other demons are well done. The zombies, on the other hand, just look like a bunch of cheap horror makeup put on a bunch of friends and relatives, diminishing the illusion. The flashbacks, however, to 1600’s Europe are well-done, especially with all the swords and costumes. The thing that irritated me the most were these long quotes from Del Rio’s journal which would scroll down the screen, with a voiceover. The one at the beginning was okay-but not the other few spread throughout the movie. And I would bet money that none of the actors in the movie ever acted in anything before other than a high school play. The production company is Back of the House Productions-and, while you can tell a lot of effort went into making this movie by these first-time filmmakers, it does indeed look like it was shot in the back of the house.

War Dragons (2008)

During WWII a plane carrying a top secret weapon crashes in the South Pacific after being sideswiped by a giant flying creature. The crew lands on an island already occupied by the Japanese—but most of them have been killed by the dragon-like creatures. Eventually the Americans, which consist mostly of females, repair the plane and manage to escape, but not before they drop the secret weapon, which turns out to be an atomic bomb, on the island, destroying all the monsters. It’s not a terrible movie but not a memorable one either.

War Gods of the Deep (1965)

In the early 1900’s a man is found drowned, washed to shore, after being missing for a few weeks. It turns out he was kidnapped by a group of pirates who live in a city beneath the sea, where the last remnants of Atlantis also dwell. The pirates use these half men/half fish creatures, which kind of look like the Creature from the Black Lagoon, to do their bidding. When a woman is kidnapped her love interest (Tab Hunter) goes to find her with the help of an old professor and his pet chicken (!). I think this movie was made shortly after the success of Journey to the Center of the Earth and the fowl was included to remind us of the goose in that particular movie. The underground/underwater city is cool, frequented by earthquakes caused by an active volcano. And you know as soon as they show that volcano that’s how the movie is going to end. The fun part of the movie is Vincent Price’s over-the-top performance as the leader of the pirates, a man who turns out to be a few hundred years old, preserved by the conditions in the City.

War of the Planets (2005)

A group of scientist space-explorers awaken from cryogenic sleep after their spaceship crash lands on a barren planet. One of their party is missing from the sleep chamber-and it looks as if that person was ripped from it, as there is blood all over the glass. They soon find out that it’s a big hairy alien, which looks like a guy in a gorilla suit. He kills a few of them before they kill him The astronauts attempt to explore the surrounding area but they are enclosed by an invisible, glass-like forcefield. Are the intelligent aliens studying them for some diabolical purpose? These creatures resemble the typical ‘Grey’ type aliens, small and with large eyes and heads. The story is interesting, if stereotypical, but the extremely cheap production values sabotage the movie, especially the visual effects by David Rosler and The Rosler Group. If the movie was made twenty-years ago they would have been cool. Here, they simply look like computer screen-savers. War of the Planets is not worth the view.

War of the Worlds (2005)

This movie far exceeded my expectations. It’s scary, the effects are amazing and the action non-stop. I’m not the biggest Tom Cruise fan but he’s much better here than in Spielberg’s Minority Report. The story starts off with Cruise getting home from a long day of work to watch his kids for the weekend. His ex-wife (Miranda Otto of Lord of the Rings) dropped them off because she and her new husband are taking a vacation. Immediately, you get the sense that he doesn’t pay much attention to them and that they’re more of a nuisance. But after there are these strange lightning storms and the huge Tripod machines erupt from the ground and start zapping everyone like bugs, he becomes much more attached to his children. They, and just about everyone else, run away-yet these machines follow, either killing people right away or taking them captive and using them as fuel or food for these giant contraptions. In one gruesome scene we see a man impaled by one of the tentacles from the machines-and it sucks out his blood. Actor Tim Robbins has a brief role as a crazed survivor who gives Cruise and his daughter (Dakota Fanning) shelter-and they don’t exactly become friends. The aliens are defeated the same way as the H.G. Well’s book and the previous 1950’s movie version. The only thing that sucked is the very ending, when Cruise makes it to Boston, to the house of his ex-wife. One of the characters should have died but somehow miraculously survived. It would have been far more effective, powerful and realistic if they left him dead. Well, that’s Hollywood for you. Still, this is one of the best movies of the 2005 Summer.

War of the Worlds: The First Season (1989)

This is an odd program, a syndicated TV series from the late 1980’s. The creators of the show use the 1953 George Pal produced War of the Worlds movie as its basis-and tell the story of how the dormant aliens are awakening and taking over human bodies in their goal to take over the Earth for their own needs. After spending over 30 years sealed in metal containers, these one-eyed, three-fingered creatures are awakening, having gained an immunity to the bacteria that originally defeated them. They are able to take over human bodies by merging with people, though the human bodies deteriorate and look like zombies after several days. A scientist by the name of Harrison Blackwood has been keeping track of the creatures-and recruits biologist named Suzanne, a computer wizard named Norton and an American Indian Colonel to be on his team. As the 24 one-hour episodes progress, the special effects get better and gorier. One of the more memorable episodes involved the aliens stealing human brains, leaving the empty headed corpses behind (seemed to be influenced by Return of the Living Dead). At times the dialogue makes you cringe and the computer special effects are simplistic. Yet the show remains entertaining. The season ends with a goofy episode about an female android who acts like the performance artist from outer space. She tells the team that she’s on their side-but is actually a threat even worse than the invading aliens they’re already dealing with (sort of reminded me of the ending of the “V” series). If I remember correctly, the second year of this show takes place after a devastating Third World War, years after the events of the first season.

War of the Worlds: Season 2 (1990)

The second season of this series is a radical departure from the first. Civilization has crumbled, in part to the aliens’ influence. Two members of the team are killed—Colonel Ironhorse and Norton Drake, the crippled computer guy. Their headquarters is also demolished in the first episode, literally forcing them underground. Harrison Blackwood (Jared Martin) and Suzanne McCullough and her daughter find refuge with John Kincaid (Adrian Paul of Highlander the series), who has a secret hideout down in the sewers. He’s a loner and reluctantly agrees to help them.

The aliens are forced to take on human form, though they still have the glow-in-the-dark green blood. The new villain/leaders are Mana (Catherine Disher of Forever Knight) and Malzor (Denis Forest), who are damp looking. Their technology is organically based and repulsive, especially when we see them feeding themselves from these fleshy bladders. The aliens are also able to clone humans and use these clones as agents to infiltrate the humans. They also talk to their leader, who they worship as a god. It is really pretty cool looking, with one eye and tentacles, like something out of the Cthulhu Mythos. The human looking aliens try to deceive humans by taking over their religious leaders and making duplicates of their loved ones.

In one episode Harrison falls in love with a human looking alien who the bad aliens took out of suspended animation. She has the ability to make crystals, which powers their technology, and are holding her son hostage so she’ll do their bidding. In another, Suzanne’s teenaged daughter falls in love with a teenaged alien, which shows that they aren’t all bad. In fact, this girl is instrumental in bringing the aliens down in the end, as she helps reveal that their chosen leader really deceived them all into invading the Earth when it was really just supposed to be a research mission. The whole war was just a means to give himself power.

I did like some of the episodes and I particularly liked that idea that civilization has crumbled, but the budgets are clearly much much lower than in the previous season, there are fewer effects and a lot more talking about how miserable they all are which becomes tiresome after a while. Also, the resolution to the series is simply lame.

War Wolves (2009)

John Saxon and Tim Thomerson are after a soldier who has been infected with a werewolf virus. This is a loner/wanderer by the name of Jake Gabriel. Gabriel and his fellow soldiers were attacked by werewolves in the Middle East, though all these other soldiers, particularly the women, are evil. Gabe is different—he’s able to control the compunction to kill. I didn’t have a problem with the script at all, except for the werewolf parts. Any type of generic monster could have been substituted for the “creatures”.

The make-up effects are terrible. For the first hour and a half it’s just contact lenses, long nails and lots of teeth. Then it’s rubber wolf noses and dark makeup,which looks kind of ridiculous on the women werewolves. There has been too many lame werewolf movies lately (Animals, anyone?).

Ward, The (2010)

In 1966 a blonde girl named Kristen (Amber Heard of Zombieland, Drive Angry) burns down a house and is picked up by the local police. She’s put into mental hospital where she meets a few other girls her age. One is crazy, one acts like a little kid and hugs a stuffed rabbit, another is a flirt and another a braniac. They seem to be the only patients on the ward. Then weird things start happening and they disappear one by one, which may be due to the disgusting looking ghost of a woman named Alice. When she asks her doctor, Dr Stringer (Jared Harris of Fringe), what happened to Alice—and the other disappearing girls—he insists he can’t tell her, that it’s for her own good.

Although there are some good production values and a few cheap scares, there are no surprises here whatsoever. It’s as if a newbie film student wrote the script. In fact, if you’ve seen the movie Identity there’s no need to view Carpenter’s weakest film.

Warrior Queen (2003)

Alex Kingston (Doctor Who, ER) portrays Boudica, a warrior queen who defeated the Romans in ancient Britain. For a Exxon Mobile Masterpiece theater movie it’s surprisingly violent and gory, with lots of heads being chopped off and casually tossed around. You can definitely tell this is a recent production, as Romans call the tribes people “terrorists”, one Roman general wonders why they are there in England to begin with (money, of course). He says “they’re fighting for their land, their religion, their way of life and we’re fighting because we’re here and it’s our job”. Kind of makes you think about what’s going on nowadays with the US and the Middle East.

Watch, The (2012)

Evan is the manager at a Costco in a small Ohio town. After the security guard is brutally killed—and skinned—he organizes a neighborhood watch, which includes Bob (Vince Vaughn), Franklin (Jonah Hill) and Jamarcus. At first they keep on running into the local cops, who keep on giving them tickets, but things change when they come across the alien. Yes, aliens have take up residence in their town it’s up to this quartet of would-be heroes to stop them from killing more people. The reason they skin their victims is to wear their skin, like a costume. Otherwise, these aliens look like skinny Predators. Their ship had crash landed a few years before and it’s taken them this long to make a beacon (from parts scavenged at Costco) to contact their home world. As soon as they do this the invasion will begin. It’s an entertaining movie, equal parts action and comedy, with decent special effects. Recommended.

Watchmen (2009)

I would say that Watchmen is as good as the graphic novel, but I’ve read better graphic novels. Don’t get me wrong, I like the Watchmen book. But the word is “like”, not love.

With the movie I was impressed with the visuals, particularly the rendition of Dr. Manhattan (Billy Crudup) and how closely all the other characters resembled their comic-book counterparts. My favorite was definitely Rorschach, who has this weird moving mask that is kind of fascinating. The film also moved fairly quickly and didn’t seem like it was over two and a half hours. However, If I had to choose between this adaptation of the graphic novel or director Zack Snyder’s previous movie, 300, the Spartan tale would definitely win.

Water Horse, The (2007)

The trailer for this movie makes it seem a lot more action-oriented and quick paced than it actually is. During WWII, a young boy in Scotland, near Loch Ness, discovers a barnacle encrusted egg washed up on the beach. He takes it home and it hatches. He names the creature, which sort of looks like a plesiosaur, Crusoe, and attempts to hide it from his mother. But complications arise when a local Army regiment camps on their property and when Crusoe starts to rapidly grow in size. With the help of the new handyman he lets the creature, now the size of a small pony, go in the Loch. And then it grows some more? The special effects are convincing but I found the story a bit slow and somewhat predictable.

Wax Mask (1997)

This Dario Argento produced horror movie, inspired by The Wax Museum, covers the familiar territory explored by the earlier film versions and adds an odd sci-fi element that reminded me of Cronos. A horribly burned museum curator adds new statues to his collection by transforming his victims into wax dummy’s. There’s only one catch—in doing so he has put them in a half-life state—in one scene when a woman accidently knocks into one of the ‘dummies’ she sees the wax figure blink. Horribly burned in an accident years before, when he caught his wife having an affair, this crazed scientist has managed to resurrect himself via electricity and what appears to be an early cybernetic process which makes him resemble a skeleton covered by an exoskeleton. His wax disguise simply doesn’t cover his scars—it is basically all his flesh. Although the film’s English dubbing is atrocious and the ending is a bit ludicrous as it gets into Terminator robot territory the disturbing special effects and beautiful set design succeed in making it entirely watchable.

WB’s Tarzan (2003)

The commercials for this new series on the WB were intriguing, showing glimpses of Edgar Rice Burrough’s most famous character. My reaction to the first episode is somewhat mixed.In this version, which takes place in present day, Tarzan has been kidnapped from his jungle home by his uncle (brother of his father) and taken back to New York where he’s kept a prisoner in this huge building. Although the uncle (Mitch Pileggi of Shocker, X-Files) says he’s altruistic, wanting to help his nephew, there’s also the fact that he’s keeping him so that he’ll in no way jeopardize his hold on the Greystoke Company. And what about Jane? She’s a policewoman who Tarzan has immediately fallen for. There’s also Jane’s boyfriend, also a cop, who will probably be an antagonist for the Lord of the Jungle in future episodes. While the casting of Travis Fimmel as Tarzan is right on-he looks the part, has the presence and definitely those ape-moves, ‘re-imagining’ Jane as a law enforcer simply doesn’t work. Already I can see how he’ll be helping her solve crimes around the city, like a vigilante superhero, something he was never meant to be.

We Need to Talk About Kevin (2011)

This story about a mass murderer shifts back and forth from the present to the past, as his mother, Eva (Tilda Swinton) remembers incidents with her family and troubled son, Kevin. It begins with her visiting him in prison—and they are both uncomfortable, neither speaking. She has also started a new, minimum salary job—which is at odds with her wealthy past life. How did she lose it all and why is she now such a wreck? We see how strange Kevin is when he’s 6-8 years old and how he begins killing animals and injuring his younger sister when he’s a teenager. Ultimately he takes his meanness out on his fellow students in a very cold, calculated and horrific way. This is one of the better “realistic” serial killer movies I’ve seen in a long while. It’s completely believable and Ezra Miller is completely believable as the teenaged Kevin. Highly recommended.

Weasels Rip My Flesh (1979)

I rented this out simply on the title alone.

Before you watch this, though, it’s best to know that it was written, directed and produced by a high school student and shot in Super 8mm film. That said, this is a very ambitious and creative movie that has the vibe of a Frank Henenlotter movie.

A Venus probe crashes back to Earth and lands in a pond, where to kids find the parts floating around. One of the pieces of equipment has “Danger: Radioactive Materials” handwritten on it with a magic marker. One of the kids is bitten by a weasel, presumably (we never see an actual weasel) which escapes down a hole. So they decide to pour the radioactive contents down there. This quickly mutates the weasel into this paper mache’ alligator looking thing. It chomps up the kids. Then, when it is running across a nearby road, it gets hit by a car and loses an arm. This arm is larger than a human appendage. The driver picks it up and takes it home where he ends up showing it to a friend. It turns out that the weasel has rabies. We find this out when a very young looking scientist, who looks like one of Welcome Back Kotter’s sweat hogs, explains that he made the probe crash because he wanted the samples from Venus. He is telling this to two guys before he drugs them and uses them for an experiment. He wants to transfuse the rabies out of the Alligator-Weasel monster and uses them to do it. One of the guys mutates and begins to resemble a giant potato and ends up fighting the big mutant weasel head to death. The other guy escapes. With all the remakes going on this past decade, this is a movie someone needs to remake and give a special effects uplift. It is such a weird idea.

Webs (2003)

Richard Grieco is one of three electricians who stumble upon a hidden lab in the basement of a soon-to-be demolished building. They fiddle around with the strange equipment and are transported to an alternate reality where a giant spider creature has taken over the world. A scientist, thirty years before, discovered a way to breach into different realities. He transported himself to another ‘earth’ but in doing so opened up another portal which allowed the spider queen to enter the same world-and within a matter of years she infected the human populace and took over. Now just a few human survivors, with the help of Grieco, are hoping to get back to our dimension, where it’s safe. The special effects are decent. The infected humans have these nasty looking teeth and long fingers and those sequences reminded me of an effective zombie movie. They are creepy, particularly when lurking about the deserted Chicago. But the plausibility factor is nil. Okay, we see the queen, who is responsible for the entire invasion, but she’s just ONE overgrown spider. All her followers are infected humans, who are half human/half spider. How was she able to take over? It seems a well planted bomb would solve that problem. And there’s spiderwebs over everything. If she’s the only spider where did all the webs come from? We don’t see any other spiders, not even smaller versions. Lastly, the movie steals the original ending from the awful Army of Darkness (well, thematically if not literally) and it just doesn’t work here. Webs is just clogged with too many problems.

Weight of Water, The (2003)

Although the brunt of the story here is about a photographer/writer (Catherine McCormack) doing research on a murder that happened a hundred years ago-the good parts are those flashbacks to the past where a vicious murder of two women happened. One was bludgeoned to death and the other killed with an ax. One of the local fisherman is blamed and convicted of the crime-but did he really do it? Or is it the quiet housewife (Sarah Polley of the new Dawn of the Dead remake) who says she witnessed the murders, a woman who has a LOT of anger to vent. The ending is somewhat of a surprise and how it’s presented is indeed a horror story (particularly because it’s based on a true event). I just could have done without the present day story with the marriage woes of the photographer and her husband (Sean Penn). Directed by Kathryn Bigelow (Near Dark).

W.E.I.R.D. World (1995)

This is an anthology type movie about the William Emery Institute for Research and Development, a strange scientific organization where everyone is trying to double-cross each other and there are lots of surprises. One story is about a ruthless scientist who kills his colleagues in order to study a deadly virus. Another concerns a woman doctor who wants to have a child, though her aging scientist husband wants anything but. She creates a youth serum-and eventually uses it to her advantage so she indeed gets rid of her husband and obtains a child at the same time. And then there’s another scientist who plans to get revenge on another through his knowledge of robotics. The movie is a bit slow at times, as compared to Tales from the Crypt shorts, yet could have been an interesting seriesIf it had been picked up by some network. Directed by Bill Malone (Creature, House on Haunted Hill (remake))

Welcome to the Jungle (2008)

Although there are a few instances that remind me of those infamous cannibal movies from the 70’s, this comes nowhere near that level of intenseness. It’s just another “camera POV” movie and not executed nearly as well as Blair Witch, Cloverfield or Quarantine. The only really nasty bit in the whole movie is when the two survivors find their friend, impaled with a spear through her head. Don’t bother renting as you’ll be disappointed.

Wendigo (2002)

An overworked New York City couple, Kim and George, take their son Miles on a weekend trip to the Catskills. But things start to go awry when they accidently hit a deer and get stuck off the road. The hunters who were pursuing the buck show up soon thereafter and one of them, Otis, is extremely antagonistic towards George. There’s a LOT of hostility there and it’s a potentially explosive moment. The family eventually gets the car freed and they continue to the old house they are staying at. But they keep on finding bullet holes in the windows and walls and that strange guy Otis is seen driving by. Then, when they decide to go into town and pick up some things at the local grocery store, the boy Miles encounters an old Native American who gives him a small statue and explains that it is the Wendigo, a creature of vengeance. But no one else ever saw this Indian man, not even the shopkeeper. The boy has nightmares about the Wendigo creature, things get creepier at the old house, and one day, when the dad and son are sleeding down a hill, the father gets shot. The boy runs for help, but gets lost-and encounters the Wendigo-a creature made of bones, branches and rocks with kind of a deer head with antlers. He passes out. Nighttime comes and his mother awakens him-and they go in search of the father but he’s gone from the spot he fell, just a splash of blood in the snow. That’s when things start getting really weird-but I can’t tell you the ending. Wendigo has The Shining and Deliverance creepiness, with extremely believable characters and a unique and unpredictable story. This is one of the best horror films of 2002. Directed by Larry Fessenden.

Werewolf Hunter (2005)

‘The Legend of Rosasanta’. This is a unique werewolf movie in that it is actually based on historic fact. In 1851 Manuel Blanco Rosasanta was the first serial killer tried in a court of law in Europe. He said the he was a werewolf and had no choice but to kill. The court was convinced that lycanthropy, that he believed he was a wolf, was responsible, and his death sentence was commuted to ‘life in prison’ by Queen Isabel II of Spain. Julian Sands (Naked Lunch, Boxing Helena, Warlock 1 & 2) , like Jack Nicholson, always portrays a realistic crazy person, and gives a good performance as the sociopathic Rosasanta. The special effects, particularly the transformation from wolf to man, is cool, similar to that shown in the movie In the Company of Wolves. And there are great locations for this period piece film. I think the biggest problem is that the wolves in the surrounding countryside are supposed to be a threat, but these Spanish wolves are much much smaller than their North American counterparts, resembling coyotes in shape and size. It’s kind of silly everyone believing these creatures could kill anyone. And although there was the disclaimer that ‘No animal was harmed or inconvenienced during the making of this film’ it’s fairly obvious that they did use some dead animals, such as several finches and a few dogs. Who knows, maybe they were killed before they started shooting the movie, but I doubt it..

Werewolf: The Devil’s Hound (2008)

Although the werewolf costume is decent enough and I like the idea of a female werewolf, this lycanthrope movie is lame. It revolves around a guy who works at a film special effects shop, who gradually transforms after he’s bitten. The actors are all unknowns, which usually isn’t a problem in a horror movie, but I suspect many of them aren’t even actors (because of the “acting”). Also, although the woman who is cursed has red hair, the werewolf she turns into is white (shouldn’t they have the same color hair?). In the extras, the movie title is called Lycan, which I suspect they had to change since those are the name of the werewolves in the Underworld movies.

Westworld (1973)

Written and directed by Michael Crichton, this science-fiction/horror film holds up extremely well over time, considering it’s forty years old. The premise is that an adult theme park has been created, called Delos. There’s three sections—Medieval World, Roman World and Western World. You can live the part of a king or a gunslinger, have sex whenever you want and kill people without consequences. This is all possible because of the incredibly life-like robots. The only way to tell if someone is a robot or not is their hands, which do not have fingerprints. Although we are shown what happens to characters in Medieval World, the main focus is on two friends in West World, Peter Martin (Richard Benjamin of Quark!) and John Blane (James Brolin). Peter has recently gone through a divorce and is uptight while this is John’s second trip. They have a few shoot-outs with “The Gunslinger” (Yul Brynner), who keeps on coming back to confront them. When all the robots malfunction this villain shoots and kills John and pursues Peter throughout the entire theme park, from Roman World to the underground control center, where all the technicians had suffocated when the power shut down and locked them in an airtight room. This entire pursuit scene undeniably inspired Cameron’s Terminator. If there’s one movie that would lend itself to an excellent remake it would be this film.

Two sequels were made—the theatrical Futureworld (1976) and the television series Beyond Westworld (1980).

What Lies Beneath (2000)

It’s hard to believe that Robert Zemeckis, director of the Back to the Future movies, is responsible for this boring piece of dreck. Michelle Pfeiffer is being contacted by a ghost—the slain mistress of her husband, Harrison Ford, yet we aren’t supposed to be able to figure this out until the end of the movie. And there’s no way that you’d believe Harrison Ford, Indiana Jones, for godsakes, is the murderer. That, and the fact that there’s zero chemistry between the two megastars, makes for a painful viewing experience.

What Really Frightens You? (2010)

In the opening scene a man is pursued by a tentacled b-movie looking monster next to a theater playing Space Avenger (one of the director’s previous movies). The monster kills him. But when his body is reported to the police the next day it appears as if he was scared to death since there’s not a mark on him. Then, after the opening credits, we go to the same guy who is proposing a story idea to the editor of Ghastly Horror Magazine. He wants to interview people about their deepest fears. He gets the go ahead and then proceeds to interview individuals in Times Square. An Asian woman tells of her fear of being in public in her underwear. An African-American who has worked his way out of a bad neighborhood is afraid of running into the gangs that terrorized him as a kid and an office worker is afraid of “The Monster Under the Bed”. Then, one by one, they begin having hallucinations about their fears, fears which ultimately begin to cause their deaths. Is the interview, known as “The Ghost Writer”, responsible? Or is it someTHING else?

While I didn’t find the examples of people’s fears all that captivating, there are some good performances by the leads and I found the movie otherwise unpredictable. This is a weird little horror movie. Directed by Richard W. Haines (Alien Space Avenger, Splatter University).

Whatever Happened to Aunt Alice? (1969)

Geraldine Page portrays a woman, who finding herself penniless after her husband dies, comes up with a horrific way to maintain her lifestyle. She hires maids and then kills them for their life savings. Then, she buries their bodies in her garden and plants a pine tree on them. Eventually she has a lot of pine trees around her house. Well, one time she kills the wrong maid-because her previous employer (who wants to hire her back) suspects foul play. Ruth Gordon (Rosemary’s Baby) is Alice, who goes undercover as the new housekeeper. But before she can prove to anyone that the lady is a killer, she’s murdered! And then Page goes after several of the other people involved in the deception, her new next door neighbors who she tries to kill by putting their cottage on fire. It’s a creepy movie and Page gives a great performance as the deranged woman.

When Strangers Appear (2001)

A young woman named Beth (Radha Mitchell of Pitch Black, Silent Hill) opens her remote roadside diner to find a straggled drifter (Barry Watson of The Boogeyman) on the doorstep. At first she feels sorry for him and gives him a free meal—-then a trio of surfers arrive and things quickly change for the worse. He hides in the kitchen and insists that these guys are out to kill him. In fact, after they leave he collapses from a knife wound in his side, a knife wound they gave him.

For the majority of the movie we’re not sure if the drifter or the “surfers” are the bad guys, which sets up some good tension and suspense. It also has a decent ending, which I didn’t quite expect. This movie is definitely worth checking out.

When Time Expires (1996)

Travis Beck (Richard Grieco), a humanoid planetary investigator, has a job to do on Earth. In three days he is to put a quarter in a parking meter in a small town and thus prevent worldwide nuclear annhilation. But three assassins, also sent from the future, want to prevent him from doing this because they don’t want Earth to join the union of federated planets, which will happen in the future if Beck accomplishes his mission. In these three days he also meets and falls in love with June Kelly (Cynthia Geary), whose father is actually an alien like Beck. When she asks Beck if all aliens are human he replies ‘Yes. It’s a popular model’. Of course, the good guy wins, the Earth is saved, and he gets the girl via some additional time traveling.

Where Have All the People Gone? (1974)

A father, his eighteen-year old son David and his sixteen year old daughter Deborah (Kathleen Quinlan) are on a camping trip in the mountains when there’s this strange flash of light in the sky and an earthquake. They are looking for fossils in a cave, which starts to collapse, and narrowly escape. A friend of theirs was outside and tells them about the weird light. They don’t know what to make of it. Then the guy begins to get sick—and they think that what caused the light was a bomb and he has radiation sickness. Their car won’t start, so they start making their way back to the nearby town. On the way the guy dies—and soon after collapses into a pile of white dust. When they get to the town it’s deserted—and it looks like the same fate befell the entire population.

The family believes that their mother may still be alive, so are on a quest back home to find her. When they finally come across a survivor it’s a woman who is in shock. She will not talk and is catatonic. The daughter names her Ann, since they have to call her something. She’s terrified of dogs for some reason. It’s not until they find another survivor, a boy, that she begins start acting normal. When he’s surrounded by a pack of dogs she starts screaming about that’s how her children were killed, ripped apart by the crazed dogs.

This is a good end-of-the-world movie, tame by today’s standards but it sure creeped me out when I was seven. A similar fate would befall humanity again in Night of the Comet, made a decade later (1984)

Where the Wild Things Are (2009)

This film adaptation of the Maurice Sendak’s children’s book amazingly captures that feel of what it’s like to be a kid, especially how they don’t know limits or repercussions of their actions. When is playing too hard too hard? How do you deal with changes in life you don’t like?

At the beginning of the film we’re introduced to Max, who is dressed up in an animal costume and is chasing his dog around the house. Then we see him building an igloo outside in the snow. He wants to show his sister but she’s busy with her teenaged friends. And later that night his mother is busy with a date she has over. Max doesn’t like this one bit and starts acting up. When things get out of hand he runs away—and finds himself on a small sailboat on his way to a fantastic island. He first comes across the creatures in the forest when one of them, Carol, is wrecking all of their huts. They all stop what they are doing when they see this small human. Max tells them that he’s a king, has been for over twenty years, and they readily accept him as their leader. The main thing he has them do is build a huge, complex fort where they can all live together. In a nutshell, the monsters he encounters on the island represent different parts of himself, or his family, and he has to reconcile what’s wrong in his mind before he can return back home.

The creatures look exactly how they are supposed to. The combination of people in suits with the CGI to show their facial expressions is convincing. It also reminded me of H.R. Puffenstuff, which is perhaps unavoidable. Recommended.

Whisper (2008)

Josh Halloway (Lost, Sabretooth) headlines this cross between The Shining, The Omen and a kidnapping movie.  He’s a criminal type who gets sucked into doing one more job, this time kidnapping a rich kid and brining him to a cabin hideout while they wait for the ransom. However, there’s something up with the boy and the realize he’s more than they can handle. The kid is evil. There are some good performances here, particularly with Michael Rooker (The Walking Dead) and Sarah Wayne Callies (also,The Walking Dead). The box artwork makes this horror movie look so-so but it’s one of the better endeavors of 2008.

Whispering, The (1996)

Starring Leif Garrett. Garrett, a former detective turned insurance investigator, is the target of what seems to be the embodiment of death, in the guise of a very pale, sinister looking woman. As a child he saw the death of his sister and since that time this specter has followed him. Now that he’s an insurance investigator and dealing with suspected suicides, he encounters here once again. You see, this specter whispers encouragement to the depressed and disheartened to kill themselves, which they more often than not do. The first victim is Garrett’s ex-girlfriend and by the end of the movie it’s his new love interest, a nonactive alcoholic who once tried to kill herself and is having those feelings once again. It’s up to him to stop it from happening and in doing so finally finds some happiness in his life. I liked this movie because it’s very straightforward and the story is small in scope-no worldwide epic. The characters are all very believable and the ‘death’ character is kept purposely vague, which lends to its creepiness.

White Chapel: Season 1 (2009)

In modern day England a serial killer is going to great lengths to recreate the Jack the Ripper killings in White chapel, London, and it’s up to DI Joe Chandler to solve the murders. He’s assisted by Miles, an old school detective nearing retirement, and Buchan, a Jack the Ripper tour guide. As more people are killed and the time is nearing for the final murder, Chandler becomes obsessed with finding this serial killer before he disappears forever. There’s a very real time-limit in which to capture him. In fact, there’s a chance that the murderer may be someone he’s working with trying to solve the case. Or is the killer the actual Ripper, somehow returned? The ending does have a good payoff. This ITV mini-series is one of the better Jack the Ripper movies out there.

White Dog (1982)

Actress Julie Sawyer (Christy McNichol) accidently hits a white German Shepard while driving and after she takes him the vet she brings him home. However, she soon learns that the dog has been conditioned to attack black people when her pet attacks an actress on set. Not wanting to have her dog killed, she takes it to an animal trainer by the name of Keys (Paul Winfield), who is determined to “uncondition” the canine so that it no longer attacks people with his skin tone. Least to say, things don’t go quite as planned.

There are some scenes with the dog ripping apart a few people but those scenes where the dog looks like he’s snarling you can definitely tell there’s something in its mouth to show those fangs. I found the movie dated and overly preachy about racism, and McNichol is horribly cast as the lead. There’s also no chemistry between her and the dog whatsoever, which is a problem since the gist of the story is her connection to her new pet. I heard a lot of hype about this movie when it first came out, but don’t believe the hype. WHITE DOG, in my opinion,  is Sam Fuller’s worst movie.

White Fang (1974)

This is Lucio Fulci’s (Zombie) film version of the Jack London novel. The movie is primarily about corruptness in a small Alaskan town during the gold rush there, with a newspaper reporter and his friend involved in the clash. There’s also an American Indian and his son who adopt White Fang-though the corrupt town official kills the indian when he doesn’t want to sell his dog to fight in the dog fights, which they regularly have. This is supposed to be in Alaska but I think it was shot in the Alps or something-it just doesn’t look right. And White Fang, who is supposed to be a half wolf/half husky is portrayed here by a German Shepard—and it just doesn’t work. There are some of those Lucio Fulci bloody moments, though, with the dog ripping out a person’s throat and a woman fatally banging her head into the corner of a table. It’s not one of Fulci’s best but if your curious it’s worth a look.

White Noise (2005)

Michael Keaton portrays an architect who has recently lost his wife (Chandra West) in a strange car mishap. An English man visits him and tells them that his wife has been communicating with him-and offers him proof. What this guy does is record the ‘white noise’ or static from television and radio and through this medium the spirits make themselves known. Keaton is quickly convinced that this is a real thing and soon becomes obsessed with hearing from his dead wife. He also starts picking up message from other ghosts-but eventually realizes that he’s really seeing people’s deaths before they happen. It’s as if his wife is warning him that these people’s lives are in danger. So, like some kind of wannabee superhero, he sets off to save these people’s lives. When he figures out where a recently kidnapped woman is being held, beneath a pier, he goes to investigate and encounters the serial killer responsible for the recent slate of murders. In fact, this guy-influenced by a trio of evil ghosts— is responsible for abducting Keaton’s wife from her car and dumping her body in the nearby river. I found the first half-hour intriguing. I’m sure it would have been a far more interesting movie if it explored more of that particular story instead schizophrenically veering off and becoming an entirely different film in the second hour. Also, the flat and rather abrupt ending left me going ‘huh?’, what is this?

White Out (2009)

Fifty years ago an old soviet plane flies over Antarctica when the copilot goes back and starts shooting the other men. He gets shot and a stray bullet kills the pilot and the plane goes down in the middle of nowhere. In the present day, at an Antarctic scientific base, U.S. Marshal Carrie Stetko (Kate Beckinsale) investigates the first murder to happen on that continent. At first it’s a mystery because it’s a geologist from her community who was never reported missing. Then, when she goes to the smaller camp he was working from with the urging of another geologist who is still there, she goes. But he’s killed as well and the murderer is still there. He chases her with a pick axe and she flies outside, to another building, but loses her glove. Although she gets away she does have to have two of her fingers amputated because of severe frostbite. Around this time a U.N. operative also shows up, investigating the murders, and she doesn’t quite trust him. This all becomes clear when she reveals why she volunteered for the Antarctica post to begin with. The best scene, however, is when they stumble across the buried Russian plane that crashed at the beginning of the movie. They see all the dead bodies as well as these small silver canisters. They suspect that whatever they contain is what everyone has been killing over. But is it radioactive?

Things heat up when she only has another day to solve the mystery before the whole base is evacuated or she’ll be stuck there the six months through winter. Will she find out who the murderer is and is he the only one involved? This is a decent enough thriller and I always enjoy seeing Beckinsale terrorized and injured in a movie since it makes me less irritated about her acting ability. White Out is like John Carpenter’s The Thing minus the special effects and the monsters.

Who Killed Bambi? (2004)

This is an extremely slow moving French film, about a nurse-in-training who discovers that one of the doctors at her hospital is drugging and then molesting the female patients after they have surgery. He’s even killed one of them. Yet, no one believes her until it’s almost too late. This movie would have worked better as a mystery-but because you know who the villain is from the get go, it makes you feel as if you’re just passing time until he’s caught. It starts off like one of those German produced Anatomy movies, but fizzles out halfway through.

Wicked (1999)

Ellie Christianson (Julia Stiles) is a disturbed fifteen-year-old who has a severe crush on her father (William R. Moses), to such an extent that she ends up killing her mother (Chelsea Field) and tries to take her place. Although her father seems to be oblivious as to her intentions the first half of the movie, the creepy next door neighbor (Patrick Muldoon), who was in fact having an affair with the murdered mother, suspects that she may be psycho. Wicked isn’t particularly original or entertaining but succeeds in giving you that “yuck” response in terms of the family dynamic.

Wicked Lake (2008)

This is a big disappointment. The story follows a group of young women who are traveling together. One of them is a nude model for a local college—and one of the guys in her class follows her and her friends to a lake. In fact, the guy’s entire crazy family, including two brothers and a twisted uncle also show up. You’re not sure who is crazier, the witch girls or these inbred rednecks. But it seemed like the script was trying to be weird just to be weird. There’s also some bad casting choices and the direction sucks. It feels like the actors are too unfocused and just “let loose” to do whatever the heck they want. For example, actress Robyn Sidney who is so good in several Full Moon movies, is not so good here. If you want to see a much better witch movie then rent The Craft or even Ron Ford’s Witchcraft XI movie.

Wicked Little Things (2006)

A woman and her teenaged daughter move to an old, creepy house in Pennsylvania soon after her husband dies of cancer. This is the house - and town - that he grew up in but never talked about, for a reason. There’s a local legend that a group of ghost/zombie children haunt the woods, taking vengeance for their death in the mines all those years ago. There’s also a crazy old guy (Ben Cross of Dark Shadows
Revival Series) who warns her what is going on. He tries to help her by painting blood on her house doors, so they won’t enter. Of course, the legend turns out to be true and they have to escape before the diminutive undead kill them. Wicked Little Things is a creepy little movie.

Wickeds, The (2005)

It’s good to see an all-out monster movie for a change. There’s flesh-eating zombies, vampires and even a ghost. Two grave robbers (one of them Ron Jeremy) dig up the coffin of an 1800’s cult leader and steal a supernaturally powered medallion he is wearing. But the dead guy awakens, opening these yellow eyes, and manages to take a bite out of the younger grave robber with his Nosferatu-like fangs. They get away from him but almost immediately the dead from the graveyard start to dig their way out and pursue them. As this is happening there is a group of college kids who have driven up to this old haunted house to party on the weekend, as it’s the location for a low-budget horror movie (with cheesy horror props spread throughout it). The movie is not filming so they have the place all to themselves, or so they think...The grave robbers soon appear at the house, which is not too far away from the graveyard. The nasty looking zombies have followed them and the humans must lock all the doors so they can’t get in. We learn that the house they are in is also haunted, and one of the women is taken over by a murdered wife who lived there years before, though the others are not aware of this. The grave robber who was bit by the vampire cult leader becomes sick and is presumably transforming...This movie is almost a remake of the 70’s cult movie Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things, as it has all the major plot points of that movie. The make up effects in it are decent, the editing fast-paced and the movie entertaining.

Wicker Man (2006)

This is a vastly inferior remake by director Neal LaBute (The Company of Men), almost so bad that it works as a comedy. The big mistake was making it about an island of amazons rather than sticking closer to the source material. Nicholas Cage’s performance is perhaps the worst of his career, to such an extent that you get impatient waiting for him to finally get killed. This is as horrendous as the remake of The Fog.

Wicker Tree, The  (2012)

In this sequel to the original The Wicker Man (1973) two American Born-Again Christians visit a small Scottish Village who still worship the old gods. They want to tell them all about Jesus but the villagers aren’t so interested in that. Rather, the pagan villagers very clearly have plans for the naive couple which you know involves some type of human sacrifice. The movie does have the same feel and tone as the first movie but I found the two lead actors lacking. It also took far too long for the story to unfold. However, I did like the brief cameo by Christopher Lee, who reprises his role from the first film. Directed by Robin Hardy, who directed the original.

Wild Country (2005)

A pregnant teenager by the name of Kelly Ann gives up her baby for adoption at the urging of her local priest (Peter Capaldi of Lair of the White Worm). Soon afterwards she goes on a camping trip with a few friends, with that same priest as a chaperon. However, they encounter a werewolf in the countryside. When they take refuge in a crumbled castle the find a human infant amidst its den and Kelly Ann takes the baby, bonding with it as if it’s her own. But this is really the werewolf’s offspring and the creature wants the baby back, so it goes after them...

I found this to be a strange movie. For the most part the werewolves (there is more than one!) look pretty cool, though they do start looking like giant muppets when the camera is on them too long. Wild Country is a very different sort of werewolf movie, worth seeing simply because it is so untypical.

Wild Man of the Navidad, The (2007)

What impressed me most about this Austin, Texas shot independent movie is that it looks and feels exactly like a 70’s horror flick, which is very cool. And, as it’s co-produced by Kim Henkel (who also has a small part in the film), it also fits thematically with the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie.

The premise of Wild Man is that a bigfoot-like creature is living in the wilds of Texas. It starts attacking people when a landowner, Dale S. Rogers, opens up his property to deer hunters during hunting season and one of those hunters shoots it. This, of course, pisses it off and bloody carnage ensues. The script is based on journals acquired by real-life Dale S. Rogers, who kept a journal about the creature and it’s a local legend that can be tied back to a 1856 newspaper article. So that’s why the film is ‘based on actual events’. The special effects are old time mostly real animal guts, which gives it some uncomfortable realism. Although the acting is uneven, ranging from real actors such as Justin Meeks to the numerous non-actors, it fits the nature of the movie, giving more of a docu-drama feel to the production.

Co-written/Co-directed by Duane Graves and Justin Meeks.

Wilderness (2001)

The movie starts off with a woman telling her psychiatrist that she turns into a wolf every full moon—and we soon see that she’s not kidding. Although these therapy sessions are kind of irritating (why are all therapists in movies portrayed as more messed up than their patients?) it does provide a sounding board to what’s going on in this character’s mind. It seems that she’s been becoming a wolf since she was thirteen—and killed a young man a year later when he tried to rape her. Ever since then she’s been unable to maintain any sort of normal relationship as a human, instead opting for one night stands. But she meets a man, falls in love, and while she tries to have a normal life the wolf side wants to become dominant. As she soon realizes the wolf enjoys being her than she does. Afraid that she might kill her new boyfriend and not liking the person she’s become—she opts to stay in wolf form for the rest of her life. Although the ‘morphing’ effects suck, there’s decent production values and the acting is great. Highly recommended.

Willard (2003)

Here’s yet another lackluster, needless remake. Willard, a nerdy guy living with his sick mother, works at a company founded by his father, verbally abused by a nasty boss. When he discovers rats in his basement he sets out some traps-but when he catches a white one in a glue trap he feels sorry for it and decides to keep it as a pet, Socrates. As Willard’s life gets more out of control he gains more power over the rats. Yet there’s this huge rat, Ben, whom he feels poses a threat to him-and he doesn’t treat this rat well, which is a big mistake.At first you think that it’s perfect casting to have Crispin Glover as Willard-but it doesn’t work because the portrayal of the character is just creepy, not sympathetic. You don’t care what happens to this guy. In fact, in the scene where he lets his boss kill his favorite rat, you really lose all attachment to this character. The only thing I liked about this movie was one scene in which Ben and the other rats chase after this cat—the cat runs into the living room, accidently turns out the tv which is set to an easy listening station—which starts playing that Michael Jackson ‘Ben’ song (which was used in the original Willard sequel Ben). That was funny and kind of sick. If you’ve never seen the original Willard then you should do so—and avoid this version.

Wind Chill (2007)

Despite the lackluster DVD box art, which makes it look like it could be just another ultra-low budget direct-to-dvd horror flick, Wind Chill is quite the contrary. It is a well produced, masterful ghost story - and one of the best horror movies of 2007.

A college girl (Emily Blunt) decides to share a ride home for Christmas to Delaware with a nerdy guy who secretly has a crush on her. He posted up a ‘share a ride’ ad on the local bulletin board, which she answers. His car is old, dirty - and not a pleasant way to take a six-hour journey. The weather reports warn that it’s going to get cold outside - and we know this bit of information will direly affect them later. The driver decides to take a ‘short cut’, a deserted road through the mountains (Catskills?) and they are run off the road by a mysterious driver. When they awaken from the crash they find that the car is stuck in a snow bank and the gas tank is leaking. They try calling for help but the cell phones won’t work. The guy goes to walk back to a gas station several miles away, during which time the girl sees her first ghost. You see, this stretch of road is haunted by those killed - murdered - there. Actor Martin Donovan gives a creepy performance as the Highway Patrolman, who is pivotal to all this haunting.

Of course, the inclination is to think that these characters are already dead (How many times have you seen that ‘twist’?) but the writers thankfully avoid that over-tried cliche’. The movie keeps you guessing, the actors keep you hooked to the screen as they are interesting characters and utterly believable in their situation. A lot happens here, though they are mostly trapped in their vehicle the duration of the movie.

This is far superior to the similarly themed Penny Dreadful released by Lion’s Gate last year. It’s also a shame this wasn’t released theatrically. Executive Produced by George Clooney and Steven Soderbergh.

Wishcraft (2002)

Although this is the familiar story of someone who is given three wishes, I found it better than the last few Wishmaster movies. A high school guy is sent a package containing a small box with dried up bull’s penis in it, which turns out to be a talisman which grants wishes. His first wish is taking this popular blonde girl to the prom, after which time she goes back to ignoring him. Then he wishes that she fall in love with him. While all of this is happening there’s this back story of a serial killer knocking off the high school students. Just how this fits in with the three wishes is surprising-I really liked that twist ending.

Wishmaster 2 (1999)

This new installment follows in the footsteps of Candyman 3: Day of the Dead, in that it is a far inferior sequel that blatantly repeats the story from the first movie. Although Andrew Divoff is effectively creepy as the Djinn the remainder of the cast contributes to the movie’s downfall. One of the highly original plot lines involves a punked out girl who is in love with a priest-yet neither actor is convincing in their roles, not to mention that neither of them isn’t old enough to have any history together! I simply wished this was a better movie..

Wishmaster 4: The Prophecy Fulfilled (2002)

This installment of the genie franchise is far far better than parts 2 or 3, again because of the entertaining script. As in the other movies a young woman is the one responsible for bringing about the Djinn’s return-and he tries to get her to make three wishes. Once the third wish happens he’ll be able to bring forth his kindred demons into this universe and take over our world. The woman is dealing with the aftermath of her boyfriend’s motorcycle accident, trying to sue the company who made the brakes that failed. Her lawyer is a friend-who wants to become more than a friend to her, if you know what I mean. This is all a little tense-and becomes tenser when the Djinn kills the lawyer and takes his form. Then, people start creatively dying as he grants them their wishes. Recommended.

Witch’s Brew (2012)

Two friends, who micro-brew beer and sell it locally, accidently run over a cat with their car. It has the address on the collar, so they go to that address and tell the old woman what happened. We recognize her as a witch from the opening scene. Her coven had killed a young boy in the neighborhood after he did a practical joke. This old witch is pissed—and puts a curse on their beer. We then find out that the dead cat has transformed back into one of the witches we had seen earlier. And now they need a new body to transfer her spirit into.

The movie follows two stories— what happens to individuals who drink the beer and the witches procuring a new body for their sister. There are quite a few memorable scenes, such as when one guy vomits and craps out his intestines and another guy transforms into a werewolf. Eventually the tales merge when the witches transfer the dead woman’s spirit into the ex-girlfriend of one of the friends, which does not end well for anyone.

Witch’s Brew is a well-written and produced indie film with a good sense of humor. It reminds me of a really good Troma movie, if Troma made good movies.

Written and directed by Chris LaMartina

Witchcraft X (1999)

This installment of the undying Witchcraft series takes place in England, where Detective Lutz (Stephanie Beaton) must confront an evil vampire portrayed by Eileen Daly. Daly, so fantastically well-cast in Razor Blade Smile shows very little of her talent here (just the breasts, this time around), seeming to simply mug for the camera. Beaton returns to a more interesting story in Witchcraft XI.

Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood (2000)

Three college actresses, practicing for Macbeth, are encouraged by their drama coach to experience a real witchcraft ceremony. Conveniently, one of the actresses is already a practitioner of the dark forces...and soon, we learn, also is the drama teacher. Their goal is to resurrect three witches who died three hundred years ago, who posses the three girls’ bodies, and bring forth Abadon, Satan’s General, and open the gateway to hell. Effects are kept to a minimum but are extremely effective, particularly the rotted looking witches and a particularly nasty eye goring. And there’s Vista Street’s trademark ample breast coverage. Overall, definitely a step up in the series. Written and directed by Ron Ford (Mark of Dracula).

Witchery (1988)

The story here revolves around an old seaside hotel which is haunted by a sinister old woman dressed in black. Linda Blair is again possessed but the makeup makes her look like Elsa Lancaster in The Bride of Frankenstein and the whole possession thing makes this seem like a spoof, which it isn’t intended. David Hasselhoff is also on hand as a photographer dating this virginal woman who speaks in this really irritating monotone voice. Basically, the group of people are trapped on the island where the hotel is and are killed one by one in some gruesome ways. And the special effects are the only thing good in this entire movie.

Wizard of Gore, THe (2008)

Loosely based on the H.G. Lewis movie from 1970 this stars Crispin Glover as a magician who seemingly dismembers women in front of a live audience. These scenes are truly gruesome and worth the rental. But, alas, he’s only it it about twenty minutes as the story revolves around a young man who dresses like he’s living in the 1950’s, a man who may not be what he seems. This is one of those movies that tries to be like Angel Heart and Jacob’s Ladder but instead of coming into its own simply reminds you of those better movies. The story is a convoluted mess.

What I found interesting is that one of the movie’s characters, “Jinky”, is portrayed by Joshua John Miller, who had portrayed the kid vampire “Homer” in Near Dark. And Jeffrey Combs is unrecognizable as “The Geek”.

Wizards (1977)

It’s two million years after a devastating nuclear war. It’s explained that in the good lands, the creatures of legend, such as the elves and other ancestors of man, have re-emerged. In the scorched lands the hideous mutants continue to thrive, killing one another. In the lengthy prologue, it’s explained that two sorcerers are born. The good one is red-headed Avatar and the evil one is skeletal Blackwolf. The two brothers fight and Blackwolf is banished to the radioactive lands where he plots conquest. A few thousand years later Blackwolf sends his mutant minions to the good lands to kill the magical creatures.  Avatar, who has now become sort of clown-like, must now deal with his errant brother. Blackwolf has uncovered ancient machines and films of Hitler and the Nazis, which inspires him. And there’s a war.

Wizards is a visually stunning movie. It’s also very weird, with strange comedic scenes between mutants, the interaction with Avatar and his winged girl, Elinore. And the warrior elf, Weehawk, brings to mind the elves from the Elfquest graphic novels (which I’m sure were influenced by this movie). Realistic backdrops clash with the Saturday Morning style of characters and there’s also a bit of rotoscoping of the soldiers, bits of live-action, and cool still drawings by Richard Ploog. Recommended.

Wizards of the Demon Sword (1997)

This Fred Olen Ray directed Sword and Sorcery non-epic must have sat on the shelf for a number of years as it features Ray’s ex-wife as an evil sorceress, along with Russ Tamblyn and Lawrence Tierney, who were obviously hard up for work before Twin Peaks and Reservoir Dogs. Prehistoric warrior Blake Bahner (he’s the psycho in Mangled Alive) must defeat the evil Khoura, portrayed by an over eye-shadowed Lyle Waggoner. For most of the movie he travels across the desert, occasionally fighting other barbarians who come out of nowhere. There’s also some dinosaurs—previously seen in Planet of the Dinosaurs—the film’s most elaborate effects. If you’re looking for a sword and sorcery fix don’t look at this movie—rent out Conan the Barbarian for the twelfth time.

Wolf Creek (2005)

I think this is one of those movies that you clearly like or dislike. A group of friends decide to get together and go camping near Wolf Creek, the site of a huge meteor impact way out in the Australian outback. The first hour of the movie is the interaction of these two women and the guy-and the second half is them being captured, tortured and trying to escape from this crazy guy who seems to enjoy killing people. There are a few grisly scenes, such as the remains of a recent victim nailed to a wall and when one of the female characters stumbles upon where the killer throws away the dead bodies. The best aspect of the film is that you care what happens to the characters. Watching them trying to survive keeps you on the edge of your seat.

I found this better than The Hills Have Eyes remake, a bit more scary because the killer in this is much more plausible.

Wolf Girl (2002)

A young woman, who has the disease that covers her body in hair, has spent most of her life as an exhibit in a traveling freakshow. Tim Curry is the owner and caretaker of the troupe and has raised her as his own daughter. But she wants to be normal-looking. When the opportunity arrises in the form of a geeky kid whose mother works at the local science facility, she goes for it and takes these injections of a new drug that prevents body hair. The one side effect is that it makes her violent so that the more she starts to become normal in appearance the more she behaves like a wolf in her mind. And soon the local teenagers who taunted her during her show start to die. This is a very quirky, disturbing made-for-cable movie, more comparable to Carrie than The Wolfman. The performances are right on, the effects surprisingly gory for television. Released as Blood Moon on video and DVD. This is up there with Ginger Snaps and Dog Soldiers as one of the better werewolf movies made in the past decade.

Wolf Lake (2001)

Set in the Pacific Northwest, the nine episodes of this Fox TV series was about a community of werewolves who lived around Wolf Lake. In the first episode, detective John Kanin (Lou Diamond Phillips) goes there to try and find his vanished girlfriend, Ruby (Mia Kirshner of Crow 2, Dracula: The Series). But when he starts asking around the townspeople all deny she’s there (though she really is). What had happened is that she was captured by her own kind and taken back to the community, as she’s promised to wed another werewolf for political reasons. Kanin, however, doesn’t give up and ends up being appointed Deputy of Sheriff Donner (Tim Matheson) while he continues the investigation on his own time. Donner also happens to be a werewolf, but gave up the transformation/urge in order to raise his daughter, Sophie (Mary Elizabeth Winstead of Death Proof, Die Hard 4), who is beginning to have those wolfish urges.

Overall, I liked this series, particularly the whole werewolf hierarchy and seeing what lengths they’ll go to preserve their secret. The idea of a whole colony of werewolves is also cool, as well as how they are depicted. Although we see some instances where they are partly transformed, when they change shape they become full wolves. They can also transform any time they want and retain their intelligent, not reverting to ‘wild beasts’. Ruby, the girl Kanin is after, changes into a rare white wolf. In the last shot episode, Kanin is given a blood transfusion from Ruby, in her wolf form, so there was the possibility he’d be changing into a werewolf as well in the near future.

However, some things didn’t work. The search for Ruby by John Kanin gets boring pretty quickly, particularly after the viewer knows she’s in town and is trying to avoid contact with him. Graham Greene is extremely irritating as the science teacher, know-it-all friend of the werewolves, who may also be a six-thousand year-old Native American. And in the first episode, when Kanin comes to the town he immediately sees the big statue of Romulus and Remus in the town square and a few references/visuals of women having triplets (like a canine). Yet in the rest of the series we don’t see so much as a pair of twins.

The unaired pilot of Wolf Lake is totally different and far more intriguing in story. Here, Lou Diamond Phillips is working for the State’s nature department, not a cop, and there’s no Ruby or search for Ruby. In a voice-over by Graham Greene at the beginning, he explains that there’s a war going on between two different groups of werewolves, which I assume are the European descended ones and the Native American ones. In fact, Sheriff Donner’s wife (and Sophie’s mother) is revealed as a Native American woman and werewolf, who had disappeared for a while. I think that if the producers would have stuck with this version/premise of the show it might have aired a bit longer than nine episodes.

Wolf Moon (2010)

In Texas, a young girl named Amy falls in love for the new guy in town, who is a loner. But there are some cattle mutilations and the local farmers think it’s a wolf. It turns out to be a lone werewolf, the same guy who the girl is dating. Not too far away, in Houston, there’s another, older, werewolf, who is killing people. Eventually the two meet up and it’s no big surprise that they are father and son.

Actress Maria Conchito Alonso (Running Man) portrays the town’s sheriff and Chris Mulkey (Twin Peaks) is Amy’s father. There’s also small parts with Sid Haig as a redneck and the always creepy Billy Drago as a guy who is after the werewolves.

Wolf Moon isn’t a bad low-budget movie, better than both the recent Animals and Neowolf. It even has some cool looking werewolves that are the old-fashioned kind, more like the Paul Naschy lycanthropes than anything else. The only thing I thought unnecessary was the “Twilight”-esque beginning and voiceover by the girl, which seemed out of place with the rest of the movie.

Wolfhound (2002)

This feature from New Concorde is a surprisingly well-done werewolf movie that takes place in Ireland. A writer returns to his ancestral home and discovers that the small village he was born in consists of shape shifters. Some change in to crows, others into owls, but the ones most similar to wolves are the more violent ones, who transform into large Irish Wolfhounds (hence the title). They’re not nearly as threatening looking as a snarling wolf but the filmmakers do their darndest to make the shaggy dogs look ferocious. Anyway, as the movie progresses the writer starts becoming more like an animal, eventually having sex with a were-woman. This part is played by Julie Cianlini who looks exactly like Athena Massey but has larger breasts.

Wolfman (1978)

The wolfman in this movie looks remarkably like The Wolfman from the Universal classic, which is the only thing this film has going for it. Earl Owensby (who also produced) portrays a guy returning home after the death of his father. They tell him it was heart failure but in truth the other family members killed him with a silver knife.He meets other people who act about as badly as him and eventually finds out his family’s hidden secret about the lycanthropic curse. He’s next in line to get it. The funniest thing about this movie is that when Owensby is shirtless in a few scenes, well before we even see the wolfman, he looks like the creature—he’s one damn hairy guy!

Wolverine and the X-Men (2009)

In the opening episode of this new animated series, Professor X and Jean Grey are seemingly killed in an explosion that destroys the mansion. It’s later discovered that Magneto has Xavier’s comatose body on Genosha, which the team retrieves. In a parallel story we skip twenty years into the future, where the professor has awakened from his coma to find the world taken over by a new breed of Sentinel. He’s able to project his consciousness back in time and communicate with Wolverine, who takes over leading the X-Men. This is an intriguing series and a good followup to X-Men: Evolution animated show from several years ago.

Wolves of Wall Street (2003)

A young man, just moved to New York City, wants to get a job as a broker on Wall Street-and manages to do so after he meets a barmaid who knows the right people for him to contact. This is Eric Roberts, who runs the New York office. After he’s with them for a while they get him drunk at a party and bite him. When they start telling him that ‘he’s now one of the pack’ and that ‘They’re in a predatory business’ we know that they’re alluding to being something other than human. Which is very disappointing when the closest thing to a werewolf transformation happens-the man just gets these Interview with the Vampire type veins all over his face and growls. This movie is nothing to howl about.

Woman in Black, The (2012)

In this paint-by-the-numbers ghost story, Harry Potter portrays a young lawyer who is sent to a remote English village where he has to go to an old secluded mansion and find some legal documents. Everyone in this town is weird—and many of them have lost children to horrible accidents. In fact, the opening scene shows three little girls, seemingly possessed, jump out the top floor window of a building. And because of this stranger’s presence, the ghost begins picking off more children, something you normally don’t see in a modern day movie.

This newest Hammer movie features great atmosphere, special effects and plenty of jolts, though this is more akin to the feeling of walking through a haunted house than because of anything psychological. Recommended but don’t expect anything new.

Woman, The (2012)

A caveman-looking woman runs through the woods. There’s lots of slow motion and repetitive action, which gives this all a surreal, “artsy fartsy” feel. She’s injured and takes refuge in a wolf den.. Although it’s not shown, it’s alluded to that she kills them—and then goes to sleep. Then, we’re introduced to a stereotypical—and dysfunctional—suburban family. The father likes to hunt and discovers this wild woman living in the nearby woods. He then goes home and forces his family to clean out the basement. Why? Because he wants to capture her...

This is just a disappointing movie, hard to believe it’s directed by Luck McKee and co-scripted by Jack Ketchum. I guess it’s supposed to be a sequel to The Offspring. My main problem is that I had such a hard time looking at Pollyanna McIntosh (The Offspring) as The Woman, she’s so damn homely.

Wonder Woman (2009)

Well, as origin stories go this animated feature is okay, though the story line is pretty much a re-hash of a Wonder Woman story that was featured in the animated JLA Unlimited series a few years ago. However, it does give insight to the relationship between Ares and the Amazons and does show how Princess Diana (voice of Keri Russell) was created from a clump of mud.

When Ares escapes his prison from the island, Diana is chosen to go into “Man’s world” to hunt him down. She’s also returning Colonel Steve Trever (voice of Nathan Fillion) to New York City—and together they end up tracking down the rogue Greek God.

The best thing about this movie is the banter between the two characters, which is hilarious, such as Trevor referring to her birthplace as “Chastity Belt Island”. I found Wonder Woman more entertaining than the recent Marvel animated features

Woods, The (2006)

A young woman is dropped off at a private boarding school by her parents because she set fire to the house. The place she’s at, however, seems to be a breeding ground for witches. Strange things happen in the woods outside the institution and bad behaving girls mysteriously disappear, replaced by piles of leaves. The Woods is a very well-produced movie with a solid cast (Patricia Clarkson of Wendigo) as the headmistress and a porky Bruce Campbell as the girl’s father). However, too many things were left unexplained and the script needed to be more focused.

World of Dracula, The (1979)

Re-edited together from the Cliffhanger series from the mid-70’s, this movie is more sympathetic to the Count. Here, Dracula is posing as a night-time college professor, preying on students (like Grave of the Vampire). And Michael Nouri (Flashdance) portrays a great Dracula. A descendent of Van Helsing continues to hunt down the vampire, destroying his coffins one by one. He’s assisted by a young woman whose mother was killed by Dracula and she wants revenge. Things take an interesting turn when her mother shows up undead. She wants to destroy Dracula as well.

World Without End (1957)

A spaceship with four men complete taking pictures of Mars from orbit. When they turn around to go back home they are caught in a cosmic storm which increases their speed. They blackout and crashland on a snowy planet that has earth’s atmosphere and gravity. They explore the surrounding, desolate countryside and come across a cave. They are attacked by two dog-sized spiders. That night they are attacked by a tribe of what appeared to be one-eyed cavemen. When they stumble upon a graveyard they realize that they are on Earth and that centuries have passed. then they are attacked by more mutants and take refuge in another cave, where there’s a metal door. They enter and find that it’s inhabited by normal humans. It is the year 2508. While the women they see are beautiful and strong all the men are pale and weak. And the women immediately glom on to them. The crewmen want to convince them that it’s time to recolonize the surface world but they are too comfortable and afraid of confrontation with the mutants. But will less offspring each year they really have no alternative.

World, The Flesh, and the Devil, The (1962)

Harry Belafonte is a mine worker in Pennsylvania who gets trapped when one of the tunnels collapses. He can hear people trying to dig him out-then the sounds stop. He’s down there with his guitar, though, so he sings a few songs. And then the electricity goes out. After about a week he digs himself out, only to find the buildings above ground abandoned. So is the nearby town. He hot-wires a car (those racial stereotypes!) and drives around, to find every place abandoned. Through newspaper headlines he realizes there was a nuclear war and everyone was killed. Which is all kind of weird because he NEVER comes across any dead bodies or any nuked cities. In fact, he figures the best place to find other people is New York City, since it’s so densely populated. Once there, though, it’s another ghost town. He goes to a radio station and broadcasts out messages to survivors. Eventually he finds one-a young white woman. They quickly become friends-and the friendship starts developing towards something more. But Belafonte stops it, saying it’s not right for them to get involved. But then they find another survivor, who just happens to be a white guy. Now there’s this triangle of sorts. The woman wants to be with Belafonte, he’s denying his feelings, and the other guy will seemingly go to any lengths to get the woman. By today’s standards this all seems a bit silly, particularly with the taboo of mixed race relations. Well, I take that back— that taboo is well and alive in the Midwest. Still, this movie seems VERY dated and filled with cliches.

Wraiths of Roanoke, The (2008)

Another paint-by-numbers, historically inaccurate movie from the Sci-Fi Channel (I do not know why I torture myself so?). To make it short, they take the intriguing true-story of Roanoke, how the entire population mysteriously vanished without a trace, and turn it into a lame tale. I bet actor Adrian Paul, who stars, wishes he never stopped doing the Highlander series.

Wrath of the Titans (2012)

I went to this with no expectations, as I vehemently disliked the first movie, which was a remake of the Ray Harryhausen classic. It’s at least a decade since the end of the first fiasco and Perseus (Sam Worthington) is raising his ten-year-old son and living the life of a simple fisherman. His wife had died and that was a promise he made to her—to keep him from fighting. Because humans are no longer praying to the Greek Gods, they are losing their power. In Tartarus, Kronos, who is the leader of the Titans and the father of Zeus, Hades and Poseidon, is awakening and nothing will be able to stop him from wreaking havoc on the world. Zeus (Liam Neeson) visits his son Perseus and asks for his help—but it’s not until monsters start appearing from the underworld that he agrees. But then it’s too late. Zeus is betrayed by Hades and son Ares, who keep him prisoner and siphon off his power to feed the Titans. So Perseus, accompanied by Poseidon’s son Agenor and Queen Andromeda, travels to the underworld to free his father.

As far as monsters, there is a chimaera, a trio of cyclops, some multi-torsoed/limbed warriors and of course the Godzilla-sized Kronos himself. Oh, and the black Pegasus that Perseus rides around on. One of the more interesting characters is Hephaestus (Bill Nighy, cast against type), who has lost his powers and talks to the robot Owl, Bubo as if it’s a person (and in-joke to the first film). I found this sequel far better than the first movie, mostly because it didn’t piss me off. There’s not a lot of talk and it gets right to the point with the quest. There’s lots of action, explosions and monsters.

Wrecked (2010)

A man (Adrian Brody) wakes up at the bottom of a cliff, in a wrecked car, with no idea who he is. His leg is caught under the dashboard so he can’t get out. And there’s a dead body in the back seat. He comes across a credit card and thinks that’s his name. But when he turns on the radio he hears a story about some local bank robbers—and they mention the name that’s on the credit card. So he thinks he’s one of them, especially when he has brief flashes of the incident. One of them involves a young woman, who shows up in the woods. At first we think she’s really there but it’s a hallucination as his mind tries to sort out what’s real and what’s imagined. There’s also the possibility that she’s his victim—and is a ghost out to taunt him. There’s also a cougar that’s feeding on the dead bodies that were with him in the car, which gives him more of an incentive to get away. He manages to untangle his leg from the wreck but it’s broken and he has to make a crude splint. A dog shows up, which offers him some companionship—and a silent figure who knows that the crashed vehicle is filled with cash almost shoots him.

It’s always a challenge to make a movie interesting with only one character but this manages to do so, primarily because of Brody’s anguished performance.

Wristcutters: A Love Story (2006)

A guy named Zia (Patrick Fugit) kills himself over a girl (Leslie Bibb of Talladega Nights, MIdnight Meat Train) and finds himself working at a place called Kamikazee Pizza in a limbo sort of world that’s a bit worse than the one he escaped from. Everything is toned down and gray looking and everyone depressed. Everyone who “lives” here are suicides. Zia finds out that his old girlfriend killed herself so he goes to find her. He’s accompanied by a Russian singer and also a female Hitcher he picks up, named Mikal (Shannyn Sossamon of One Missed Call, The Order). When he does find his old girlfriend he’s disappointed, as she’s clearly in love with someone else, this guy who is in charge of a cult. By this time he realizes he’s really in love with Mikal.

This is an interesting premise with a cop-out ending that truly sucks and pretty much undoes any impact the movie has created. This is an independent film— why have a stupid, Hollywood movie type ending?

Writer’s Block: Truth or Dare (1995)

Rising bestselling novelist Elliott can’t come up with an idea for his new book so when he finds a diary hidden in a closet of his new house, the diary of a “Truth or Dare” playing psychopath who slaughtered his family five years ago, an idea for his new book comes into shape. He plagiarizes the whole thing. When the book, called Truth or Dare, becomes a national bestseller the original author comes calling, wanting a piece of the fame and a piece of Elliott. This film definitely has some gripping moments and an intriguing idea tat is successfully pulled off.  When this film was originally released, it was tauted as the sequel to Tim Ritter’s first Truth or Dare movie.

Wrong Turn (2003)

This is a throwback to those mutant human movies of the 70’s and 80’s like The Hills Have Eyes and Humongous. A guy gets stuck in traffic, tries the shortcut through West Virginia and gets in an accident with a group of people camping. They’re also lost. They try to get help and stumble upon an old, run-down looking house. No one is home, so they go inside to look for a phone and instead find human body parts simmering on the stove. Before they can leave the denizens return-and they’re inbred insane mutations with lumpy heads and cleft palates.One by one they’re killed off until only the guy and Eliza Dushku (Dollhouse, Tru Calling) are left. Wrong Turn didn’t add anything new to the genre and it’s exactly what you expect it to be. Which is exactly what I wanted.

Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007)

The pilot for a new reality TV series, ‘Apocalypse’, is being shot in a rural area of West Virginia, a place inhabited by deformed cannibalistic humans. The premise for the show is that it’s the end of the world and the contestants have to survive in this ravaged environment. Little do they know that their premise isn’t too far off the mark from what they’ll be experiencing.

The mutants are extremely strong and are able to snap their bones into place. In one scene a guy gets his neck broken by falling on a rock and he manages to snap his neck back into place. They aren’t as deformed as in the first movie but they make up for it in sheer viciousness. The explanation that they eat human flesh because the wildlife was killed off from the chemicals a paper mill was contaminating the water with makes little sense because the forest is green and lush and anything that would kill an animal would surely kill a plant. And if humans survived, albeit deformed, then there would simply be more deformed animals. In fact, one scene has a hillbilly catching mutant trout. The script writer should have just said that they eat people because they like to. Also, the chemicals are bright green, leaking out of biohazard canisters, like something out of C.H.U.D. Come to think of it, this could be as much a new C.H.U.D. movie then part of the Wrong Turn franchise. It is an entertaining movie, though not as good as the first (where is Eliza Dushku?). In fact, it’s worth seeing just for Henry Rollins alone. He makes this movie work as well as it does and it’s the best performance of him I’ve seen in a movie.

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009)

This second sequel begins with two couples kayaking down a river in the woods of West Virginia. Within the first nine minutes of the movie we see naked breasts, hear the obligatory reference to Deliverance and witness two murders by bow and arrow by a cackling hideous mutant.

The story then goes to a group of prisoners who are being transferred to another penitentiary. For one of the guards, Wilson, it is his last day of work before he goes off to law school. Two of the prisoners, a Neo-Nazi and a Hispanic guy, are planning to somehow break out and escape. One of the other prisoners is really an undercover cop who wants to prevent their departure. But during the ride on the prison bus, on an isolated stretch of road, the mutant hillbillies, in their pickup truck, manage to drive them off the road. The barbed wire they dragged in front of the tires did the job. The bus flips over and catches on fire. Everyone gets out but the prisoners get the upper hand. Since Wilson is a local to the area they force him to lead the way. Instead, he leads them in circles, hoping the police will come.

The mutants, a father and son, start to pick them off one by one. Then the prisoners manage to capture the younger one and kill him, sticking his decapitated head on a stick. This enrages the father and the slaughter continues. Things get even more complicated when the group stumbles upon an old, crashed armored car which still contains a ton of cash. The prisoners grab as much as they can but it slows them down.

The confrontation eventually ends at the mutant’s house, between Wilson and the mutant and it looks like they are home free. However, some days later he goes back to the armored car and starts taking the money....a huge mistake.

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead nicely rounds out the trilogy, getting back to more of the scenario of the first film.

Wrong Turn  4: Bloody Beginnings (2011)

This starts at a mental asylum, where the severe inbred humans are kept. They escape, but not before they dismember the staff. The main doctor is hoisted up by wires and pulled apart. Years later a group of friends go snowmobiling on their winter break and come across the abandoned facility during a storm. It’s not deserted, of course, but still inhabited by these hillbilly mutants. They are killed one by one. Brutal, good prequel that sets up the series rest of the series and tie directly to Wrong Turn 5. However, I kept on thinking “Do they get blizzards in Virginia?”, where this takes place?

Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines (2012)

This sequel begins with a camera gliding over the woods of West Virginia, saying a town named Fairlake was established in 1814 and the entire population disappeared in 1817. It’s a legend that the Hill People attacked and then ate all the residents of the town. Then, we go to present day where a young couple is having sex in a tent. They get scared by a bunch of friends dressed like hillbilllies and it’s because of the tenth Mountain Man Festival  that is happening. While the nearby town is getting ready for this we go to the woods, where a lone woman jogger encounters a guy she assumes is wearing a deformed mask. But it’s really a mutant. He cuts off and when she gives him the finger he chops it off. A normal looking guy, Maynard Odetts (Doug Bradley), shows up and seems to help her as a trio of mutants emerge but it turns out that he’s part of their family. We learn he’s been doing this for thirty years and yells at the monsters when they leave a wallet behind in the woods. Basically, he’s the brains behind the inbred mutant family and manages to keep them hidden.

The group of friends are driving down the road and swerve out of the way to avoid hitting Maynard and crash their car into a pine tree. They go back to help him but he slashes out with a knife, cutting one. Before his trio of deformed kin can come and kill them the Sheriff shows up all and takes them to jail because there are drugs in the SUV. The sheriff only holds one of them in the cell and the others stay in a nearby hotel. Oh, it also turns out Maynard is wanted for murder from some years before.

There are some truly gruesome killings. The giggly mutant disembowels a girl and feeds her her own intestines. In another scene they cut the ears off a deputy and eat them in front of him. And they answered my question of how this crazy deformed family continues— they kidnap women. Bloodlines is more of a direct sequel to Part Four, Bloody Beginnings. And Doug Bradley’s British accent creeps in every so often. But the main thing I wondered is why did Bradley quit the Hellraiser franchise to be a part of this one?

WW3 (2001)

In this made-for-television movie Larry Sullivan (Timothy Hutton) is a CIA agent recruited to a special task force when a deadly virus is released by terrorists on a cruise ship. It’s 100% fatal. He finds out he was selected because the CIA needs info from his reclusive Uncle (Lane Smith of V: The Original TV series). This guy knows who created this man-made virus, which is a cross between ebola and influenza. He agrees to help the government and brings in a Russian colleague, Yuri Zenkovsky, to track down the culprits. Things get complicated when Sullivan’s nurse wife wants to help the patients that are overcrowding her hospital. This is a somewhat typical “Deadly Disease” movie, though it’s a bit weird seeing something that takes place before Sept 11, 2001.

“X” Titles

X-FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE (2008)

As a die-hard fan of the show I thought this answered all the questions left hanging at the anti-climatic ending of the series and realistically established what happened to the characters in the meantime. It was totally realistic and made sense and the crux of the story is about Mulder and Skully’s relationship, not only between themselves but their work with the “X-Files” and what that means to them.

The story centers around a young female FBI agent who is kidnapped and a psychic (Billy Connelly of Fido) who may be able to lead them to her. He seems to be getting these psychic visions but are they real or is he somehow responsible for the woman’s disappearance? The FBI tells Mulder that if he helps the agency they’ll give him a clean slate and drop all charges against him. He agrees—and finds that he’s missed being out in the field, investigating strange phenomena. What they discover involves organ transplants and a very strange experiment, almost taken from a 1950’s B-horror movie.

There are very little special effects, none of the alien mythology whatsoever, but that’s okay, as it’s a low key movie that successfully re-establishes these characters and makes me look forward to the next movie. The next movie, however, needs to be more “epic”—and with aliens.

X-Men (2000)

I feel about this X-Men movie pretty much the same as The Fantastic Four movies. They’re good but they’re not great. It begins with a scene in a concentration camp during World War II, with a young boy separated from his parents. He begins to exhibit powers by bending the metal gates until one of the Nazis knocks him unconscious. Later on we learn this is Magneto’s origin. Then the movie skips to present day. A teenaged Rogue (Anna Paquin of Trueblood) runs away from home, afraid of her powers, and hitches a ride up north where she runs into Wolverine, who fights for money. He agrees to give her a ride in his truck but they get in an accident set by Magneto’s The Brotherhood of Mutants.

Then they are intercepted by Storm, Cyclops and Jean Grey, who bring the two mutants back to Xavier’s mutant school in Westchester, New York. Rogue hits it off with the other students, namely Bobby (Ice Man). Wolverine doesn’t quite fit in, though he takes quite an interest in Jean Grey, much to Cyclop’s irritation. The main focus of the movie is Magneto’s plan to transform a group of politicians into mutants—but to do this it would exhaust all his power. So he kidnaps Rogue, believing that if she duplicates his power when she touches him that he can sacrifice her to power the device. The final battle takes place on Liberty Island, inside the Statue of Liberty. The mutants save the day, just in the nick of time. It ends with Wolverine leaving them, in search of clues to his own origin since Professor Xavier won’t help him remember. Of course, this leads right into X-Men 2: United.

X-Men 2 (2003)

This sequel is better than the first X-Men movie, with a better story, more action and more mutants. Here, a government man named Stryker wants to eliminate all mutants from the face of the Earth. The way he wants to do this is to capture Xavier and make him use Cerebro to find all the mutants and kill them. And there’s also a very close tie between Stryker and Wolverine’s past. It’s pretty much nonstop. The triangle between Jean Grey, Cyclops and Wolverine is played up a bit, as is the relationship between Rogue and Iceman. And Magneto plays a surprising role. I also liked the appearances of the other X-Men, such as Colossus, Kitty Pryde and Jubilee. Best of all, Nightcrawler looks exactly how he’s supposed to (well, plus some weird body hieroglyphics). So, if you thought the first X movie was just ‘so, so’, see this. It more than makes up for what the first was lacking.

X-Men 3: The Last Stand (2006)

Well, compared to the previous two movies this installment is lackluster. Sure, the effects are fantastic and we see more of our favorite mutants such as Shadowcat and Colossus but considering what it was about-the potential eradication of all mutants-it simply didn’t satisfy the potential. In fact, one of the first scenes in the movie is Storm, Wolverine, Shadowcat and Colossus fighting a Sentinel in a ruined landscape, with crumbled buildings and crushed cars all about, like in one of the Terminator movies. If the end battle between the humans, Brotherhood of Evil Mutants and the X-men had that intensity it would have been far better than the underwhelming finale we’re treated to. Also, major characters are killed off without provoking much emotion in the viewer, which I thought was weird. If you enjoyed the other two X-Men movies you’ll like this but will probably find it lacking.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)

This prequel to the X-Men Trilogy is much better than I thought it would be, cramming in a lot of storyline and Mutant characters within two hours. We’re introduced to Logan and his brother, Victor, when they are children in the mid-1800s and fighting in the Civil War through the Vietnam War. The brothers are recruited by William Stryker, who has put together a team of mutants to go on special missions, but these missions are only to fulfill Stryker’s agenda. He dupes Logan into volunteering to become Weapon X, though it backfires. At this point the movie does become a little silly because the point of Weapon X is to make him invulnerable with the Adamantium coated bones—yet for the rest of the movie he tries to kill Logan. Well, he can’t —they made him invulnerable!

However, the movie does bring everything together and introduces a young Cyclops, Emma Frost, The Blob, The Toad and Gambit, as well as a younger Professor Xavier, who looks more like a computer effect than anything else. I think that’s my only real problem with the movie—some of the effects, particularly Wolverine’s metal claws, look too cartoony. Liev Shreiber makes a good Sabretooth.

X-Men: First Class (2011)

This prequel to the X-Men trilogy begins with a young Eric Lesher in a World War II concentration camp. They find out he has powers and the Nazi scientist in charge (Kevin Bacon) forces Eric to use them. Only they kill his mother in the process. Then we go to a twelve-year-old Xavier, who finds a strange blue visitor in his house. No, it’s not a Smurf. It’s a young shape-changing Mystique. As they get older, and we see them as young adults, it’s clear Mystique is interested sexually in Xavier but he views her as a sister.

The majority of the movie happens in 1962 and eventually culminates during the events of the Cuban Missile Crisis, with friends Lesher and Xavier coming together to save the world. The bad guy is Sebastian Shaw, who turns out to be the Nazi scientist who killed Lesher’s mother in WWII.

While I thought the story was just so-so, the casting is right on, with Rose Byrne (28 Weeks Later, Damages) as Moira MacTaggert and January Jones (Mad Men) as Emma Frost. The most interesting character is Hank McCloy, aka “The Beast”, and I wished they spent more time on him. You do get to see him in both forms—as the gorilla footed scientist and the blue-werecat. I had no idea who the devil-looking Azazel was, but obviously he turns out to be the father of Nightcrawler, since he appears similar (only red) and can teleport. X-Men: First Class is the lesser of the X-Men movies. In fact, I enjoyed the Wolverine: Origins better than this film.

X The Unknown (1956)

This early Hammer movie is very similar to their Quatermass films. British soldiers, doing exercises in how to detect radioactivity, detect that something else, not their own sample, is emitting energy. Two soldiers are contaminated and have radiation burns during a strange, localized earthquake. Then a kid in the nearby woods sees something horrendous, which gives him radiation burns and eventually kills him. A philandering doctor is literally melted to death by something that crawls into his x-ray lab. Whatever the creature is, it feeds on radioactivity.

An American scientist, already doing experiments in the UK, is called to investigate and believes it probably originated at the first test area. It came from deep within the earth. But by the time they get back to that spot the two posted guards are killed. And the creature is on the prowl, a sort of giant blob, which is exactly what it looks like. I think this movie works so well because it’s totally serious and plausible, unlike the majority of the US radioactive monster movies that came out during that same time period.

Table of Contents

Introduction

“A” Titles

“B” Titles

“C” Titles

“D” Titles

“E” Titles

“F” Titles

“G” Titles

“H” Titles

“I” Titles

“J” Titles

“K” Titles

“L” Titles

“M” Titles

“N” Titles

“O” Titles

“P” Titles

“Q” Titles

“R” Titles

“S” Titles

“T” Titles

“U” Titles

“V” Titles

“W” Titles

“X” Titles