The Comedy Film Nerds Guide to Movies: Featuring Dave Anthony, Lord Carrett, Dean Haglund, Allan Havey, Laura House, Jackie Kashian, Suzy Nakamura, ... Schmidt, Neil T. Weakley, and Matt Weinhold
Author: Graham Elwood; Chris Mancini
Date: 2012-06-01 07:00:00+00:00
Keywords: Humour; Performing Arts; Film; General; Guides & Reviews
Description: Tired of the usual boring, dry movie discussion? "The Comedy Film Nerds Guide to Movies" is something new. Is it serious movie discussion? Is it funny? Do the writers know what the hell they are talking about? Yes, Yes, Yes, and Yes. OK, that’s too many Yes’s but you get the point. Graham Elwood and Chris Mancini, both professional filmmakers and comedians, created Comedyfilmnerds.com to mind meld the idea of real movie talk and real funny. And they called in all of their professionally funny and filmy friends to help them. Comedians and writers who have been on everything from the Tonight Sho
Publisher: Morgan James Publishing
Rights: All rights reserved

THE COMEDY FILM NERDS
guide to movies

Featuring

Dave Anthony, Lord Carrett, Dean Haglund, Allan Havey, Laura House, Jackie Kashian, Suzy Nakamura, Greg Proops, Mike Schmidt, Neil T. Weakley, & Matt Weinhold

Graham Elwood & Chris Mancini

THE COMEDY FILM NERDS guide to movies

Featuring Dave Anthony, Lord Carrett, Dean Haglund, Allan Havey, Laura House, Jackie Kashian, Suzy Nakamura, Greg Proops, Mike Schmidt, Neil T. Weakley, & Matt Weinhold

© 2012 Graham Elwood & Chris Mancini. All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical or electronic, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from author or publisher (except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages and/or show brief video clips in a review).

Disclaimer: The Publisher and the Author make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this work and specifically disclaim all warranties, including without limitation warranties of fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales or promotional materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for every situation. This work is sold with the understanding that the Publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional services. If professional assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought. Neither the Publisher nor the Author shall be liable for damages arising herefrom. The fact that an organization or website is referred to in this work as a citation and/or a potential source of further information does not mean that the Author or the Publisher endorses the information the organization or website may provide or recommendations it may make. Further, readers should be aware that internet websites listed in this work may have changed or disappeared between when this work was written and when it is read.

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Chris: To my wife Audrey and my two little Gremlins who I have to remember not to feed after midnight, Isabella and Griffin.

Graham: To my hippie theater parents for never telling me to get a real job and letting me dress up as Batman for Halloween three years in a row . . . in college.

And to all of our fans across the world.

Contents

FOREWORD
By Doug Benson

PREFACE

1 SCIENCE FICTION
By Chris Mancini

2 WESTERNS
By Graham Elwood

3 COMIC BOOK MOVIES
By Mike Schmidt

4 FANTASY
By Jackie Kashian

5 HORROR
By Matt Weinhold

6 COMEDY
By Suzy Nakamura

7 ROCKIN’ MOVIES
By Lord Carrett

8 ANIMATION
By Neil T. Weakley

9 ACTION AND ADVENTURE
By Chris Mancini

10 WAR MOVIES
By Allan Havey

11 FILM NOIR
By Greg Proops

12 MUSICALS
By Jackie Kashian

13 DOCUMENTARIES
By Graham Elwood

14 FILM SCHOOL CLASSICS
By Chris Mancini

15 ROMANTIC COMEDIES
By Laura House

16 COPS AND ROBBERS
By Graham Elwood

17 SPORTS MOVIES
By Mike Schmidt

18 DRAMA
By Dean Haglund

19 FAMILY MOVIES
By Chris Mancini

20 MARTIAL ARTS MOVIES
By Graham Elwood

21 CULT CLASSICS
By Neil T. Weakley

22 SEQUELS, TRILOGIES, AND FRANCHISES
By Dean Haglund

23 MOVIES WE’RE ASHAMED TO ADMIT WE LIKE

24 MOVIES THAT DESERVE TO BE YELLED AT
By Dave Anthony

25 MOVIES WE’D LIKE TO SEE MADE

411 NERD

THANKS AND ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

INDEX

FOREWORD

By Doug Benson

Hey everybody, my name is Doug and I love movies. That’s the way I open every ep—short for episode—of my podcast, Doug Loves Movies. I don’t know if I love movies more than anybody else, but it sure feels like I do. I’ve loved movies ever since my parents took me to a triple bill of Dr. No, From Russia with Love and Goldfinger, and maybe even before that.

My mom and dad took me to movies regularly when I was a kid, and weren’t particularly concerned about what kind of movie my impressionable little eyeballs would be eyeballing. I remember being particularly traumatized by a movie called The Bird with the Crystal Plumage. There is nothing like a Dario Argento serial killer movie for an impressionable young mind. But you know what was even more traumatic than the movie? Me dropping my hot dog, but not being able to find it on the sloping theater floor, and my Pops then telling the zitty adolescent at the concession stand that they sold us an empty bun. I’m not sure if anyone believed us, but the dude behind the counter coughed up another dog, so I was able to watch that creepy foreign horror movie with some sweaty processed meat in my belly.

But now it’s time for a proper introduction to this book, The Comedy Film Nerds Guide to Movies. I’ve been a guest on the Comedy Film Nerds Podcast a few times, and always enjoy talking cinema with my friends Graham Elwood and Chris Mancini. These dudes are funny and their obsession with film—and nerdy shit like “Did Greedo or Han shoot first?”—is contagious. Not Contagion-starring-Gwyneth-Paltrow contagious, I’m talking contagious in a good, non-coughing-blood kind of way. Not only do these two enthusiastically talk and write about movies, they come to it from a place of having made (and are still making) films themselves. I’m sure they’ll tell you all about it if you ask them, or you could just look up their work on IMDb.com and not bother them.

For The Comedy Film Nerds Guide to Movies, Chris Mancini and Graham Elwood assembled a fine group of comedians and writers to throw down their opinions, each tackling a different genre, and finishing with a list of that genre’s ten best (Hey, why didn’t my film Super High Me make the cut in the documentary chapter?) and ten worst (Hey, I’m glad my film Super High Me didn’t make the cut in the documentary chapter!)

You may not agree with everything in this book. I know I don’t. I mean, seriously, Predator is on the list of ten best action movies and Speed is on the list of the worst!? Sure, Speed 2: Cruise Control was shit on a jet ski, but the original Speed has one of the greatest action premises of all time. (I know you’re dying to get into this book, so I’ll take this up with Mr. Mancini in person, probably between rolls of a 20-sided die.)

Bottom line? The guys and gals who contributed essays in this tome deliver a passion for film to anyone who will read it. Or listen to it, if this becomes an audio book. (Sidebar: I’d like Alec Baldwin to read this part. That shouldn’t be too hard to arrange, unless he’s busy running for public office or something.)

So, are you ready for some movie love? Good. Let’s do this.

—Doug Benson

PREFACE

Well, here it is. We’ve been talking about it on the Comedy Film Nerds Podcast forever, and now you finally have it in your grubby little hands, or on your grubby electronic device. But if you were just browsing and discovered us, then we bid you welcome.

When we started the website and podcast a few years ago, we wanted to add what was always missing from film discussion: A healthy dose of humor. But it’s one thing to make jokes about movies. It’s quite another to know what the hell you’re talking about. Our writers are all professional comedians, writers, and filmmakers, and have the experience to really give insight into the art form we call movies. They are funny, but they also know what gaffer, inciting incident, meet-cute and product locomotive mean.

When writing a film book, the first reaction is always, “I can’t believe you didn’t mention (my favorite movie).” This is by no means a complete list of anything. These are our personal opinions backed up by knowledge, experience, and the fact that we are usually right. Sure, there will be disagreements, and that’s totally fine and awesome. Film is an art form, and it affects people in different ways. People respond to different things. Some people even think Michael Bay is a cinematic genius. If you are one of those people, then please return this book and go back to your crayons.

You’re not going to agree with everything in this book. Hell, there are thirteen writers total, and we didn’t even agree with each other all the time. But that’s the point. Start a discussion. Why do you like a movie? Why doesn’t your idiot friend like the same movie? It’s a discussion worth having. And winning.

It is human nature to respond to art differently, and in these pages you’ll see how each Comedy Film Nerd perceives a genre he or she feels passionate about. In the process you’ll see how we connect with movies, and how movies connect us all.

We love movies, and this book, like the comedyfilmnerds.com website and podcast, was a labor of love. We hope you enjoy it, and we’ll see you at the movie theater, or at least on demand or streaming.

Cheers,

Chris Mancini and Graham Elwood

Comedyfilmnerds.com

SCIENCE FICTION

By Chris Mancini

Ever since I was a tiny little Tribble, I’ve always been an avid devourer of all things science fiction, and yes, I spent a fair amount of time alone deep in a book. I couldn’t wait to see where Larry Niven, Isaac Asimov, Ray Bradbury and even Allan Dean Foster were going to take me next. But these were places I could see and hear only in my head.

The thing about movies was that they actually showed me someone’s vision of what the future or some far off fantastic world could be like. Unlike television, on the big screen it just looked real. It was more believable, like you were there. And I was. Every time a new science fiction movie came out, I was at the movie theater, eager to see what new world or future I would be visiting once the lights went down.

Science fiction didn’t really hit the mainstream until Star Wars came out in 1977. That was a watershed moment. It wasn’t based on a book, or anything else, it was a science fiction film. And so the nerd age was born, opening the floodgates to more great films, along with some astonishingly bad ones. Remember Waterworld? Sadly, I do too. But with every Mad Max comes a Thunderdome . . .

Science fiction films were relegated to the back of the cinematic bus for a very long time before they got the respect they deserved from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, or even mainstream audiences. (Star Wars won six Oscars, but not for Best Picture or Best Director, and the two sequels pretty much got snubbed.) Science fiction territory was still considered “fringe” and only to be enjoyed by nerds like me in between Dungeons and Dragons sessions. I was an awesome Dungeon Master, by the way.

But at least the science fiction door was slowly opening. What’s interesting is that disrespect for the genre was never even deserved. One of the first narrative movies ever made, Georges Méliès’s A Trip to the Moon (1902) was science fiction. So why the hating?

I think it has to do with anything that has “fantastic” elements such as aliens, robots, or elves being generally relegated to the kiddie table. Of course super lame science fiction movies don’t help the cause. Good luck trying to defend Howard the Duck. And don’t go trying to tell me how cool the comic book was. It wasn’t.

Science fiction is a very sophisticated genre. When done properly, it offers characterization, emotion, and drama like other genres, and much, much more. It’s not just laser blasters, alien bar bands, and three-breasted prostitutes.

Any science fiction writer worth his TARDIS, whether it’s books or movies, will tell you the same thing: The best science fiction stories are about people. End of story. Not robots or spaceships. They explore the human condition. Ultimately the ones we remember and rise above the sea of mediocrity are not always the ones with the best special effects, and the fans would agree. We remember Luke Skywalker’s journey more than how cool the space battles were.

But hey, let’s talk about special effects for a moment. It’s mistakenly thought of as the bread and butter of science fiction. But it isn’t, really. Pretty eye candy does not a great movie make, and this goes for every genre. Avatar has some of the best visuals and special effects ever seen. Visually, there was nothing to compare to Avatar, except of course for every Final Fantasy video game ever made. But in movies, there wasn’t. And the 3D was great. James Cameron even invented his own cameras. Not many people do that.

Now, rather than trashing Avatar, I am going to take the high road. Actually, no, I am just going to let Dave Anthony do it later in the book. In fact, that’s the section we had to cut out of every other writer’s chapter. So that’s your teaser.

On the opposite end of the spectrum you can take an epic movie like the original Star Wars and see that while the effects blew you away (for the time), it was populated with unforgettable characters, an epic gripping story, and freaking holographic battle chess. Damn! Not all the dialogue holds up, but it was over thirty years ago so some slack must be given.

Sadly, after the last three Star Wars movies and a fourth, unnecessary Indiana Jones movie, as far off the rails George Lucas has gone now, it’s pretty obvious there was a dedication and focus on story and characters for the first Star Wars trilogy. I’m not really sure what happened, but I think George Lucas is on another planet somewhere making great movies while the aliens, with their technology not quite perfected, left us a robotic simulacrum of George Lucas here on Earth so that we wouldn’t notice his absence. Oh, we noticed. Time for a robot simulacrum firmware update for Lucasbot 2.0. And, hey, robot Lucas, stop fucking with your original classic movies. You never saw David Lean add more Arabs later or add new “lines” like “Nooooooo. . . .!” And Han shot first, no matter what Lucasbot says in interviews with The Hollywood Reporter. That is all.

A good science fiction film, like a good film of any genre, will stay with you. Unfortunately that’s true of bad science fiction films too. While I love thinking about the original Star Wars movies, Blade Runner (without the voice-over, and I can’t even remember which cut that is anymore) or Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, I wish I could get Signs or Battlefield Earth out of my head. If only there was an Eternal Sunshine machine for movies.

Sometimes science fiction movies can be used as allegorical satire, like Paul Verhoeven’s Robocop, Starship Troopers, and Total Recall. These three movies often get dismissed as bloody tripe, but I urge you to take another look. They are really bloody satire.

The best example of sci-fi satire is Terry Gilliam’s Brazil. It is one of my favorite movies. The studio, Universal, didn’t even want to release it without first shortening it and slapping a happy ending on it. Gilliam had to steal his own film print from the studio’s vault to screen it for the Los Angeles Film Critics Association. They gave it Best Picture, and then the studio finally agreed to release it, and it’s one of the finest films ever made. So the movie had a happy ending, without actually having a happy ending, except for that studio “Love Conquers All” cut that is ridiculous but available in boxed sets. It’s great to watch if you really want to see how a studio can take a great movie and turn it to shit right before your very eyes.

Speaking of turning to shit, whenever science fiction jumps genres, there are mixed results to say the least. For every successful Galaxy Quest there are at least five Ice Pirates. Horror fares even worse than comedy. Sci-fi installments of Hellraiser, Friday the 13th and Event Horizon threaten to blot out the greatness of the original Alien. At least Tobe Hooper’s Lifeforce about space vampires was guiltily watchable but these are exceptions rather than the norm. Hot naked vampire space chick? Sold! Even so, at the end of the lunar cycle, science fiction stands tallest when standing alone.

But what is it about science fiction that makes it so attractive and like no other genre? I think it’s that science fiction films (and other media) offer two basic but very different views of the future: Utopian and Dystopian. Guess which of our favorite movies fall under? Of course, dystopian when the robots (The Terminator) or trash (Wall-E) take over. There’s much more fucked up shit going on in Blade Runner than there is in Star Trek. One has rogue robots killing people, the other has a holodeck where you can play tennis.

The ultimate dystopian future film would have to be The Terminator. Even before Arnold Schwarzenegger became governor. Actually when you look at Predator now, with two muscle-bound state governors, you really think Carl Weathers should run for something.

Anyway, the Terminator movies (1&2) feel like they could actually happen because they seem so frighteningly plausible. Technology keeps advancing far quicker than the basic person’s understanding of it, and why would robots, should they become sentient, want to ever serve humans? The answer, clearly in the films, is that not only would they not serve humans, they would see no use for them. Yes, in The Matrix they used them as an energy source, but really, machines would literally have no use for humans. Why would they? We’re slow, weak, and mouthy. They would exterminate us coldly and mechanically. Chilling, right? There wouldn’t be any “good robot” bullshit like in that McG Terminator movie. The less we speak of Terminator: Salvation the better. Then again, in a dystopian society, McG is still making movies.

The Best Dystopian movies can also be more subtle. OK, not that subtle. Fahrenheit 451, 1984—Boy did George Orwell get that date almost wrong. OK, maybe he wasn’t that far off. In 1984 we got stonewashed jeans, the assassination of Indira Gandhi and the AIDS virus.

The Utopian future, while less common, is still ultimately compelling in film because it’s what we WANT the future to be, and we get excited when we see it. We want teleporters, holodecks, and injections without needles that just make a really loud “psssshhhhh” sound. The Star Trek films are primary examples of this. All the conflict comes from without, not from within. We got our shit together and now we’re seeking out new problems. Money and conflict on earth has been eliminated. There is no more racism, discrimination, or petty squabbling over dwindling resources. Unless you work in cable news, these are all good things.

Even 2001 showed us a hopeful future from our beginnings as cavemen. However, one of the most interesting scenarios is when a dystopian future poses as a utopian one, like in Minority Report and Surrogates (not great movies but you get the idea). I love movies with this concept. Kind of like a futuristic Trojan horse. Things aren’t as great as they seem. Make a fortune in real estate with no money down! Incidentally, I’m not sure which future sex robots and orgasmatrons would fit into, because if they were in the Utopian future, how much work would actually get done?

Science fiction’s central appeal lies not in asking “Why?” but “What if?” What if you could predict a crime and arrest the criminal before it happened? What if the world finally united and we set our sights to exploring the galaxy? Would aliens really want to anally probe us? And if so, what the fuck is their problem? What would the world be like after a nuclear apocalypse, and would or wouldn’t there be a Postman? Would we be eating each other while looking for some blind dude and his book? What would really happen if we keep advancing robotic AI? Eventually, they would make a better movie than the actual AI and then either enslave or kill us. At any rate they will definitely get tired of pretending to be cowboys. Make no mistake, no matter what a robot says, whether it’s your car reminding you to buckle your seatbelt or Tickle Me Elmo, it really just wants to take over. “Elmo is master now.”

So as a corollary of what if, what will the future technology look like and has some of it already come true? Star Trek communicator? iPhones actually do more. Although where are the personal jetpacks? Seriously. When will those engineers at Intel and Apple get off their asses and finally make something useful, like hover cars and jetpacks? I want to fly like The Rocketeer. So what is down the pike? Will we be able to steal shit from other people’s dreams? Will we all have robot butlers? Most importantly, what will replace Twitter?

I love watching old science fiction movies to see that their vision of future technology was more steampunk than anything else. Everything still had black and white blurry displays (that all somehow looked like radar screens, no matter what it was) and everything from kitchen ovens to spaceships were still controlled with large knobs and giant levers. Also, it was all covered in tin foil, but rivets were optional. On the other hand, the alien women always had an aversion to clothes, so it wasn’t all bad.

These questions bring us to the ultimate question science fiction asks: Is space really filled with hot alien women? No, wait. The ultimate question: Is all this technology actually good for us? The answer in science fiction films, from The Terminator to Minority Report, is usually no. Some idiot actually commented in front of me once “What did we do before cell phones?” We left messages and looked each other in the eye and had actual conversations without having a little robot strapped to our ears. That’s what we did, you tool.

When you think about it, do things like email, cell phones, and Facebook make our lives easier, or more complicated? Is it really the best use of technology to make sure all your friends know what you’re having for lunch? Side note: I don’t fucking care what you’re having for lunch. UNFOLLOW.

But, broadening out from the questions asked, science fiction films often give us a cautionary tale of the consequences of giving over too much power to ANYTHING, be it government (V for Vendetta), robots (The Terminator, I Robot), corporations (Wall-E, Soylent Green, Robocop, etc), or angry monkeys (Planet of the Apes).

Ultimately, science fiction films stimulate the imagination like no other genre. They wash over us in a darkened theater and show us what could be, and often what we could be, in the future. Will we be even more detached as a people, or more connected? Or will it be both? Will privacy be a thing of the past, so even our dreams can be spied upon, like in Inception? What do we ultimately want? Or will it not matter because the robots will finally take over like in the Terminator movies? I swear every time I look at my iPhone I can hear it thinking “Just a few more years, meatbag . . .”

Science fiction films show us robots, spaceships, alien monsters, and aliens wearing medallions. They show us alternate universes, alternate realities, but ultimately reflect our own in a way no other genre can. So open up your big fat mind and let science fiction in. It will be good for you and you may even learn something. Like how to talk to an alien babe. But mainly, you’ll learn about the human race and where we are going, in both the physical and metaphysical sense. But we’d get there a lot faster if we had jet packs. Just saying.

Note: It was surprising to me how many of the same filmmakers are on both lists.

THE TEN BEST SCIENCE FICTION MOVIES

1. The first Star Wars Trilogy (1977, 1980, 1983)

No surprise there. The reason nerds had for getting up in the morning.

2. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

OK, this is on everyone’s list, but with good reason. Philosophical science fiction at its best.

3. The Terminator (1984) and Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

James Cameron at his finest. High concept, great characters, AND cool special effects.

4. Alien (1979) and Aliens (1986)

Creepy sci-fi horror followed by an action packed sequel.

5. The Matrix (1999)

Mind-bending fun and introduced “bullet time” to movies and video games—even if it was quickly overused and went from cool to annoying in a very short period of time.

6. Blade Runner (1982)

A thousand cuts of this movie exist. Just see the director’s cut. You don’t need the voiceover and yes, Deckard is a Replicant.

7. Metropolis (1927)

A startling futuristic vision and an allegory for class warfare, all from Germany in 1927. You can see how it influenced modern science fiction films, from Star Wars to Dark City.

8. District 9 (2009)

An unexpected hit: Sci-fi, action, and social commentary from South Africa, based on a short film and cast with no recognizable actors. A studio marketing department’s worst nightmare and a great film.

9. Planet of the Apes (1968)

The ending is still killer, and possible. You heard me.

10. Brazil (1985)

Terry Gilliam’s dystopian masterpiece is both haunting and filled with gallows humor. Yes, that’s Robert DeNiro in the same movie as Michael Palin.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Solaris (1972)

If you can get past the slow pace and the Russian metaphoric cold war imagery, this film is a classic. It’s philosophical and dreamlike, almost like a Russian 2001. Not the George Clooney remake, the original. Just clarifying.

Pi (1998)

Darren Aronofsky’s mind-bending no-budget hard science fiction debut feature.

THE TEN WORST SCIENCE FICTION MOVIES

1. Avatar (2009)

Remember how the best science fiction stories are about people? James Cameron didn’t. This movie has great special effects at the expense of everything else. When you stare at a computer more than humans, you become one.

2. Star Wars Prequels (1999, 2002, 2005)

While the last one almost approached being watchable, it was still the end of an abominable trilogy. Abomilogy.

3. Alien: Resurrection (1997)

Why would you hire the director of Delicatessen to direct this movie? In a word, this movie was . . . gross.

4. The Matrix: Reloaded (2003) and The Matrix: Revolutions (2003)

Seriously, what the fuck happened?! This was like Escape from The Planet of The Apes when they went shopping on Rodeo Drive.

5. Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 (2000)

If there was ever a movie on a list that could not be disputed, it’s this one. Even the screenwriter agrees it’s one of the worst movies ever made.

6. Howard the Duck (1986)

This had to be some kind of inside joke we’re not in on.

7. Independence Day (1996)

Will Smith punching an alien and knocking him out . . . through a space helmet.

8. A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001)

Steven Spielberg making Stanley Kubrick turn over in his grave with this schmaltzy, contrived exercise in robot ridiculousness.

9. Flash Gordon (1980)

Music by Queen! Flash! Ah-ah! . . .

10. Transformers 2, 3, etc. (2009, 2011)

Michael Bay made giant robots fighting actually look boring. How is that even possible?!

DISHONORABLE MENTION:

Gattaca (1997)

If you’re going to make a science fiction movie set in the future, hire a production designer. And maybe a screenwriter.

WESTERNS

By Graham Elwood

Watching westerns—the classic tales of good and bad—defined my childhood. Between the westerns and Dirty Harry films, Clint Eastwood practically raised me. I always wanted to ride into town on a horse, spit on a guy’s jacket, then shoot a bunch of vile desperados. I mean, what kid wouldn’t? Today I still have a need to “live off the land,” even if it means not getting upgraded on a flight to Chicago. Flying coach across country is the new Wild Wild West.

The Western genre is unique because it is about a very specific time in history. The US’s East Coast was sprawling with urban life, but to the west was a new frontier that was wide and vast. It was a time and place of hard living for hard people. The soft and weak didn’t last long. Everything was dirty and brown and hot. At least that is how this time period is depicted in film.

The end of Frontier Days coincided with the birth of cinema, so it was a natural subject matter for filmmakers to cover. The legends were still fresh and the stories still told by those who lived them. Now cameras could bring them to the masses. It is a time in American history that still defines us, and defined Hollywood.

Westerns made actors and directors into screen legends. John Wayne, Henry Ford, James Stewart, Clint Eastwood, Kirk Douglas, and many more were all forever defined as cowboys. Do you think people are still talking about John Wayne in The Green Berets? Hell no! Even the men who directed these films still have a tough, larger than life aura that hangs over them. Back in the studio system days, where movie stars where told when and where to show up and shut up, the directors where steel-eyed visionaries who demanded perfection and loyalty. Some of these men were war vets and left their tears on some battlefield in Okinawa, Europe, or the belly of PT Boat. They had no time for Hollywood crybaby nonsense. Hit your mark, know your lines, open your mouth when I yell action, and shut it when I yell cut. John Ford (all those that worked with him called him “Jack”) was a WWII vet who took shit from no one. Ford prided himself on reducing actors to tears and had a stare that could melt stone. He and Howard Hawks made epic films out in the hot, dusty elements of Arizona and Utah. Only men like these could handle personalities like John Wayne. Howard Hawks once said, “Most of the leading men today, the younger men especially, are a little bit effeminate. There’s no toughness. McQueen and Eastwood don’t compare with Wayne.” Yeah, if Steve McQueen and Clint Eastwood were considered “effeminate” then you know where Hawks stood on the tough guy meter. It was from this toughness that one of the most American of film genres was born.

The Western started out black and white and silent, like the plains on a cloudy day. Then, as color and talking came to the screen, the Western truly sprang to life. Visions of wide open land under big blue skies filled the screen, and big men on powerful steeds rode in with six guns, to keep the peace or wreck it. This is the central theme in these films. Good vs. Evil. Righting a wrong with bullets and laconic speech.

Unforgiven has two men riding for days to settle the score of some ranch hands who cut a woman. The Outlaw Josey Wales must avenge the men who killed his family in post Civil War America. Along the way Wales picks up and saves others from evil: the young Native American woman who is getting raped by dirty mountain men, the hijacked wagon train, and even a stray dog. Wales’s moral compass is the only thing true in a lawless world where governments can’t be trusted and horribly vicious men roam the land. Only Ten Bears, the Comanche Chief, is to be trusted. He and Wales share the same warrior’s code and therefore can live in peace. This depiction of Native Americans was groundbreaking at the time for a genre with a less than stellar record with regard to the topic. Early Westerns show Native Americans to be savages who barely spoke. In The Outlaw Josey Wales, it is the white men who are the savages, greedy weasels who use whatever power they have to exploit their selfish needs on the weak. No code. No honor. Just filthy greed. This type of hero who defends the weak is why the Western is very similar to the Samurai film. Men who have trained to fight. Some use it to be of service. Some use it for darkness.

Japanese cinema also started up as the age of the samurai was ending, thus paralleling Westerns as logical subject matter for early filmmakers. Scared villagers terrorized by bandits, saved by honorable warriors on horses who squinted right before they took you out and said very little, one set with pistols, the other with swords. The Magnificent Seven is the Western version of Seven Samurai. Either way, I’m down with clearing out the riffraff with some cold steel.

Another country that had a similar history is Australia. They too had to settle barren, harsh land in the 1700-1800’s with horses and sidearms, battling the elements, heartless governments, and themselves as they tried to “civilize” the outback. There too existed horrible mistreatment of natives hidden under the imperial carpet of “progress.” One of the best films about this time is The Proposition. Guy Pearce is caught between having to give one brother up to save the other, all while trying to survive the outback in the 1800’s. The English, Irish, and Aborigines are all slugging it out. Ray Winstone plays the officer trying to do his job while conflicted about the severity of its execution. Emily Watson is the upper crust English woman struggling to keep her well-bred manners intact amidst her ugly surroundings. Also, John Hurt has a small part as a bounty hunter with the smile of a snake right before he bites you. (It should be noted that Mr. Hurt is also in the longity long long nonsense that is Heaven’s Gate, thus putting him on both best and worst lists. Congrats Johnny.) The Proposition is a great Western that stands toe to toe with the best of the genre, and it gives great insight into the history of Australia. I am a fan of accents so this work resonates with my soul.

What makes a great Western is the characters battling right and wrong (sometimes within themselves like John Wayne’s Ethan in The Searchers), the elements, the land, and those around them during a specific time in history. It calls for iconic actors that are worn and dark, because the real men from that time and their stories are larger than life. Then, add music that pierces your soul and a landscape that awes and terrifies. When you put these together you get Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, or Charles Bronson’s haunting harmonica in Once Upon a Time in the West. How about both True Grits!? Yeah they took a great film and made it better! Wayne or Jeff Bridges, either way I’m good with eye patches and drunken justice.

Speaking of remakes, 2007’s 3:10 to Yuma is a remake of a 1957 film. This is what Hollywood should be remaking; some classic story from a lesser known film that came out seventy years ago. That doesn’t mean you make a True Grit musical!

When some, or all, of these essential elements are missing, then you have flaming pieces of shit like Texas Rangers. I wish Howard Hawks was cryogenically frozen so I could wake him up just to hear his thoughts on Ashton Kutcher and James Van Der Beek playing tough guys. Would his head explode, or would he just punch me for waking him up? This is a movie that should never be remade or even spoken of out loud. I’m sorry, I have already said too much.

Just as bad is when a big name actor thinks or is told by one of his handlers, “you should do a Western.” It is with that sad, misguided remark that the movie going public is left to deal with “films” like Bad Girls. Now, I’m all for some angry, tough chicks thumping skulls, but this should have been named Bad Idea. It had a mid-production director change (Always a good sign, like when a pro sports team fires the coach mid-season. Yeah, they’ll make it to the championship). Honestly, Thelma & Louise is a good film, and more of a western than watching Andie MacDowell try to carry a gun. Susan Sarandon shooting that redneck truck driver’s rig is more like a gunslinger than Mary Stuart Masterson putting on her “mean” face. Mary Stuart, you are adorable and trying to be “tough” only makes me go “awwwww,” like when a cute kitten tries to hiss. It just makes me want to drown you in a storm of cuddly kisses, not quiver at the sight of your revolver. Take all of Mark Wahlberg’s sisters from The Fighter and put them on horses with guns. That would scare the shit out of me for the rest of my life.

And please, for the love of all that is holy, stop making western comedies. Blazing Saddles stands alone for a reason. It was Mel Brooks at his best. He did all the jokes about westerns better than anyone, and he did them first. Just let it go. It is a bad idea. Other genres have accepted this, why can’t you? The Princess Bride is a classic. Now leave it alone.

Since the Western era was a brief period in history, it symbolizes the end in many of the films. It also symbolizes the end of many movie stars’ careers, like John Candy in the train wreck Wagons East. Such a funny man. Watching this film was like watching Michael Jordan wear a Washington Wizards jersey and score thirteen points. Just remember Planes, Trains, and Automobiles or his telling of the bunk bed rules in Stripes. I want to remember Kirk Douglas as the original Doc Holliday from the 1957 classic, Gunfight at the O.K. Corral, not as Cactus Jack opposite Ann Margaret and the former Governor of the Great State of California in the eye burning western “comedy” The Villain. Now I know how my father felt watching a forty-something Johnny Unitas play for the San Diego Chargers.

Maybe I shouldn’t judge, cause if I’m offered the chance to play Rooster Cogburn opposite Will Ferrell in the True Grit remake directed by Kim Kardashian, sign me up! I’m assuming there still will be no health care in the US at that time, so I’ll need the paycheck.

The Western is one of those genres that goes up and down. A good one is made then a bunch of subpar ones follow, which always gets the suit-wearing morons of Hollywood to proclaim “The Western is dead,” usually said over some high priced, fancy meal served on a triangular plate in an upscale part of whore town (Beverly Hills). Ignorant statements are made with the vapid certainty that comes with the sweaty fear born out of one too many boardroom memo orgies.

As long as good storytelling, direction, and solid acting are prevalent, the Western will still have stories to be told on the silver screen. The Coen brothers did not do a remake, they made the book, and it was great. As our view of history changes with the uncovering of more information and evolving eyes, the Western will always bring flowers to a barren landscape.

In the hot dust and cold nights that is many mainstream films, Westerns will rise up like a stampede and overtake the landscape, only to leave as quickly as they came. The anticipation of the next wave hangs ever present like the orange fire of a Arizona sunset. I will end this chapter as such. My eyes squint over the slight smile that turns away as I take my stallion off-screen in a thunderous cloud of dust, getting smaller and less loud, as I disappear on the horizon. The woman I love clutches her chest, knowing I will be back, as I am a man of my word. Only death will prevent me from upholding this promise. She wants me to stay, but knows I can’t. Sunset. Bold Music. Credits.

THE TEN BEST WESTERNS

1. The Searchers (1956)

Classic John Wayne tracking down a young Natalie Wood who has been captured by Comanche Indians. Maybe director John Ford’s best film ever.

2. The Outlaw Josey Wales (1976)

Clint Eastwood (who also directed) is at his vengeful best as a grimly determined hombre searching out the Union soldiers who killed his family. If you like squints right before someone dies, then this film is for you.

3. The Proposition (2005)

How the West was won Australian style. Guy Pearce has to kill one outlaw brother to save another in the rough and tumble 1880’s outback.

4. 3:10 to Yuma (2007)

Christian Bale and Russell Crowe in a battle of wills. Directed by James Mangold. This is how you do a remake.

5. Once Upon a Time in the West (1968)

Sergio Leone classic with Henry Fonda as the railroad company muscle trying to get a widow’s land. Jason Robards teams up with harmonica playing stranger, Charles Bronson. Double-cross subplots and backstories cover the film like dust on a ranch hand.

6. The Grey Fox (1982)

Richard Farnsworth is the gentleman stagecoach robber released from prison into an industrial world—so he takes up robbing trains in the beautiful backdrop of British Columbia.

7. True Grit (2010)

Coen brothers instant classic with Jeff Bridges as a mean Rooster Cogburn. Matt Damon is great as the Texas Ranger and so is Hailee “Shoulda Won the Oscar” Steinfeld as the tough kid who hires Cogburn.

8. Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid (1969)

Paul Newman and Robert Redford at their zenith as two train robbers who get chased down to Bolivia. Great action and sense of humor. Best train explosion ever.

9. The Wild Bunch (1969)

Sam Peckinpah directs some slo-mo gunfight goodness. A bunch of aging gunmen take on one last score as the West is becoming civilized. William Holden and Ernest Borgnine are tough and funny.

10. The Magnificent Seven (1960)

Western version of Kurosawa’s The Seven Samurai. It stars Yul Brynner, Steve McQueen, Charles Bronson, James Coburn, Eli Wallach, and Robert Vaughn. The cast alone is worth it. Very groundbreaking in the depiction of gunfighters as lonely men without families.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

High Noon (1952)

Gary Cooper and Grace Kelly classic that has been redone many times. Cooper has a showdown because he is too proud to run!

For a Few Dollars More (1965)

Sergio Leone gets Clint Eastwood and Lee Van Cleef to play competing bounty hunters that have a steel-eyed badass contest.

True Grit (1969)

John Wayne as the original Rooster Cogburn with youngsters Robert Duvall and Dennis Hopper.

Unforgiven (1992)

Clint Eastwood directs and stars along with Morgan Freeman and Gene Hackman. See why Eastwood is a great director and has helped shape the western genre for thirty years.

Shane (1953)

Alan Ladd teaches us that a gunslinger can’t run from his past.

THE TEN WORST WESTERNS

1. Wagons East (1994)

Sadly, John Candy’s last film. Also could be in the ten worst comedies category as well.

2. Wild Wild West (1999)

Only silver lining: Ba Ba Black Sheep film project was scrapped.

3. Bad Girls (1994)

Four prostitutes go on a rampage. Was this a remake of a porn film?

4. Young Guns II (1990)

The St. Elmo’s Fire of westerns. The Brat Pack kills a genre.

5. Forest Warrior (1996)

Chuck Norris is a shape-shifter living in the woods who fights an evil gang of lumberjacks. You heard me right.

6. Lightning Jack (1994)

Paul Hogan and Cuba Gooding Jr. team up in the ol’ West. If Newman and Redford had no chemistry, this would be them.

7. Texas Rangers (2001)

When I think of badass gunslingers, Ashton Kutcher and James Fucking Van Der Beek definitely come to mind. Right after Pee-wee Herman and Justin Bieber.

8. The Villain (1979)

Kirk Douglas, Ann Margaret, and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger . . . Dream Team! And another reason why Western “comedies” need to be hung at high noon.

9. Shanghai Noon (2000)

I love Jackie Chan but please no more. If you really want martial arts in the ol’ West watch some episodes of Kung Fu.

10. Heaven’s Gate (1980)

Roller skating while playing a violin all while bankrupting a studio, ending a filmmaker’s (Michael Cimino) career and an era. At least it’s only three hours and forty minutes long. It is to Westerns what Waterworld is to insane bullshit.

COMIC BOOK MOVIES

By Mike Schmidt

One of the earliest photographs of my childhood is a shot of pudgy, three-year-old me curled up on the couch, clutching an issue of The Amazing Spider-Man. The issue’s cover depicted the wall-crawler battling Mysterio in what I’m certain my young self thought was a fight to the death. I asked the editors of this book if I could include the photo, and was politely (yet firmly) informed that this was a book about films, not white-trash children and their distant memories. Their loss . . . and yours, really—I was a goddamn cute baby, and the picture alone would have justified your purchase price.

The point I’m making—other than my family apparently didn’t own a camera until I was three—is that comic books are directly associated with our childhoods. I’ll go even further: For a lot of us, comic books were the first things we ever chose to read. Sure, we loved Dr. Seuss and Where The Wild Things Are, but those were parent approved . . . not to mention the Lorax never kicked the shit out of Dr. Doom, and Max’s rumpus didn’t result in The Justice League of America having to save him from the Wild Things. For many young minds, comic books introduced the concept of reading for fun, as opposed to learning. Flights of fancy, escapism, bright colors, action: Comic books are children’s minds brought to physical life and sprawled over twenty-five or so pages. Is it any wonder why comic book movies are so popular?

It’s not about the special effects, or the plot, or the actors chosen to become the heroes we all wanted to be as kids. Honestly, who the hell cares who plays Thor? As long as he’s got the hair, the winged helmet, and Mjolnir, we’re in. That isn’t to say a casting choice won’t make a movie that much better; hell, if anybody else besides Robert Downey Jr. played Tony Stark in Iron Man, you might have realized how wafer thin the plot was.

No, it’s about the headspace you get into while sitting in a theater and watching Superman fly for the first (or the second, or the eighth, or the 200th) time. It’s about that vicarious rush you feel watching Wolverine go into Berserker Rage mode, carving up the intruders at Professor X’s School for Gifted Youngsters. It’s about seeing icons from your formative years alive and talking, moving—adding a third dimension to the two you’ve had to make do with while you grew up. It’s visceral and it’s real; your imagination and childhood writ large on the big screen, waiting for your adult eyes to absorb what your mind gave life to so many years ago.

How real is the attraction? True story: When the first trailer for Tim Burton’s Batman hit theaters, it was attached to a decent little horror film called Pumpkinhead. Now, twenty-year-old me didn’t give a fuck about Pumpkinhead; twenty-year-old me just wanted to see Batman and the Joker alive and talking on the big screen. So twenty-year-old me did what ten-year-old me would have done if he’d had the money and opportunity: I paid to see Pumpkinhead five times, arriving early to see the preceding Batman trailer, and staying late to watch the trailer again before the next showing of Pumpkinhead. That week, reliving my childhood for five minutes at a time cost $40.00 cash and 430 minutes trying to figure out why Pumpkinhead didn’t have a pumpkin for a head. But seeing Michael Keaton say “I’m Batman” made the entire enterprise worth it.

My first experience with comic book movies was 1978’s Superman, featuring Christopher Reeve. Wait, check that; technically my first experience with the genre was my countless viewings of the full-length movie of the Batman television series, but those were always on the small screen. Side note: If you haven’t seen the 1966 Batman movie, you need to see it immediately. It’s hilarious. Adam West’s choices as Batman were brilliant. So brilliant, in fact, that Nicolas Cage paid homage to them by making the same choices for the character of Big Daddy in Kick-Ass. As I sat in a full theater the night Kick-Ass opened, laughing my ass off at Cage, I realized I was the only one laughing. People were wondering why he was talking so weird. I wanted to just start yelling, “He’s doing Adam West! From Batman! What the fuck is wrong with you people?” Considering the median age in the theater was about eighteen, I shouldn’t have been surprised . . . but if I ever meet Nicolas Cage, I’m thanking him, profusely. And then I’ll remember Ghost Rider and I’ll slap him, profusely. What a brick that film was.

That’s one thing that can’t be denied about comic book movies—for comic book fans, there’s very little middle ground in the “How did you like it?” department. Not a lot of “Well, it was okay;” comic book fans either like a comic book movie or they hate it. The general public might be able to shrug their shoulders and accept X-Men Origins: Wolverine, but what about the fans who’ve spent their youth imagining “What Would Wolverine Do?” They’re freaking out, trying to get the home address of the director and scriptwriter who not only had Wolverine box The Blob, but also took away Deadpool’s ability to speak. It’s a tricky thing for filmmakers, giving life to legends; you’re competing with 30/40/50 years of people’s expectations. Get it wrong, and you’re on the shit list forever. Isn’t that right, Ang Lee? Hell, I’m not even hardcore and I want to spinkick him for his Hulk movie. Nick Nolte turns into a cloud? Crouching Director, Hidden Bullshit.

All right, where was I? Ah, yes–1978, when Richard Donner’s Superman changed everything. Supporting my “Who Cares Who Plays Them?” theory, unknown Christopher Reeve was cast as Superman. His main attribute? HE LOOKED LIKE SUPERMAN!

That was it—a shockingly easy way to go about casting a character that has been in the American consciousness since 1938. We all know what Superman looks like; find a guy who looks like him and that’s half the battle. That Reeve turned out to be a fabulous in the role was a bonus—in fact, Reeve was even better as Clark Kent than he was as the Big Blue Boy Scout. Add in Margot Kidder’s brassy Lois Lane and Gene Hackman’s smarmy Lex Luthor, throw in the spot-on way the effects team handled Superman’s flying scenes, and you’ve got what all comic book movies should aspire to be: A comic book come to life. In fact, the inspired secondary casting of the film (which also included Ned Beatty and Glenn Ford) was a big influence on Christopher Nolan, who took the same approach of casting great actors in smaller roles when making Batman Begins.

Now, looking like Superman doesn’t guarantee a successful film, as the Superman franchise began a long slide into disrepair almost immediately. A lot of people think Superman II is a better movie than the original. Those people are wrong. Don’t get me wrong; Superman II has the best moment in any Superman movie. Six words: “General Zod? Care to step outside?” I got chills just typing that . . . but alas, one or two moments do not a better movie make, so Superman II finds itself relegated to the second spot in the canon. Although if you haven’t seen Richard Donner’s 2006 recut of the film, check it out; better than the original in all respects, and shows what the franchise could have been if it had remained in capable hands . . . which it did not, as the following list will reflect:

Superman III: Richard Pryor as a computer genius. Superman actually splitting into two beings—Good and Evil—and then fighting in a junkyard. Horrible.

Supergirl: Helen Slater makes her screen debut as a character nobody in the world gives a fuck about. Another true story: When this was in theaters, two friends and I went and saw it as an “Anti-Fun Night”. We arrived a half-hour late—still paying full price—snuck in warm Goebel’s Beer, ate Necco Wafers and black licorice, then went home and crashed before 10:00 PM. My nausea the next day had nothing to do with what I ate and drank.

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace: This one even brought Hackman back as Luthor, to no avail. Superman vs. “Nuclear Man.” Superman fans vs. Hollywood. The audience vs. sleep. This one was so bad it banished the franchise to The Phantom Zone for fifteen years, until . . .

Superman Returns: In 2006, director Bryan Singer—who had done an amazing job with the first two films in the X-Men franchise—was hired to finally bring Superman back to the big screen. The character had languished in development hell for over fifteen years (for more on this, just Google “Kevin Smith” and “Superman”) and it was thought Singer—a self-proclaimed Superman fan with successful comic book movie experience—would be the man to bring the character back to his 1978 glory.

Nope.

For me, Superman Returns is an even bigger misfire than Quest for Peace, mainly because it had everything going for it: Big director, huge budget, a commitment from the studio to doing all they could to revive the character . . . and then the finished product was so lifeless—so fucking nothing—that they should have called it Superman: Why Bother?

Casting unknown Brandon Routh as Superman was solid . . . at least looks-wise. He definitely looked like Superman, but the second he opened his mouth my “Who Cares Who Plays Them?” theory took a serious hit. It was Superman as jilted boyfriend, reduced to peeping into Lois Lane’s house as their Superbaby grew up with a different father. What the fuck? Why? WHY?

I’ll tell you why, and it’s one of the biggest mistakes made by the people who produce comic book movies: They think they need to throw that shit in to keep non-comic nerds interested in the film. Not enough to have an invincible guy who can fly; they think we need to see that he’s also human like us . . . even though we don’t want him to be like us. Look, the LAST thing Superman should be is relatable. We’ve named him SUPERman, for God’s sakes; he needs to be better than us, and act accordingly. Singer’s version was successful—it made almost four hundred million dollars at the box office—but the studio wasn’t happy, and has scheduled yet another reboot of the character for 2012. This one will star Henry Cavill as Superman, and be helmed by 300 and Watchmen director Zack Snyder; I look forward to Superman punching fifty near-naked guys in stop-motion.

Superman isn’t the only comic book movie franchise to step on its dick in the third movie. While eleven-year-old me was fascinated by seeing Superman on the big screen, it wasn’t out of any particular love for the character; it was neat to see a guy from the comic books, but he wasn’t one of “my guys.” I grew up being told that my guys, the guys I wanted to see onscreen, were unfilmable, that they’d never see the inside of a multiplex. A ton of bullshit about image rights, previous deals gone bad, locusts, a terrible flood, excuses that I didn’t care about, I just wanted my guys onscreen. Then it happened: The skies parted, hands were shaken, deals were signed, and The Amazing Spider-Man was finally, FINALLY going to become a movie. Now fans just had to hope they didn’t fuck it up.

Spider-Man is completely different from Superman. I said Superman shouldn’t be relatable? Well, Spider-Man absolutely needs to be relatable. He’s not some barrel-chested alien who landed on Earth wrapped in his super suit; he’s a gangly teenager who’s used to getting picked on, trying to make his way on Earth while wrapped up in his shortcomings and insecurities. Casting and tone were paramount, and when Sam Raimi was hired and Tobey Maguire was cast as Peter Parker, everyone who loved the comic books felt sure that this time Hollywood would get it right. Opening night, I sat in the midnight screening hoping I wouldn’t wind up pissed off in two hours. It was a wild atmosphere; Tobey Maguire himself showed up to introduce the film. Lights went down, trailers ended, I held my breath . . . and in a stunning development, Hollywood didn’t disappoint.

It was fucking awesome—Maguire was perfect, the origin story stayed true to the comics (other than the organic web-shooter thing, but I actually liked the analogy to puberty that represented), and the film actually looked bright and vibrant like a comic book. I had waited for this since I was three years old, and it wasn’t a letdown. A few years later, Spider-Man 2 was even better: Maguire delivered again, maturing in the role in just the way you would have hoped, Alfred Molina WAS Doctor Octopus, and the scene on the train was one of the best fight scenes in comic book movie history. The best part was they were progressing the way longtime fans had envisioned, taking Peter Parker from gangly teenager to adulthood, introducing new villains, and staying true to the mythology behind the books.

And then came Spider-Man 3 . . . dude, I get depressed just thinking about it. It was as if Sony actually made a conscious decision to fuck things up. I’ll spare you the backstory (And the readers cheered “hooray!”), but just know the studio not only stuffed three villains into the film, they also made choices that severely compromised the mythology of the books. This isn’t a big deal to your average moviegoer, but again, to fans these characters are almost sacred; seeing their mythos significantly altered just to please mouth-breathers who wouldn’t know Colossus from Galactus borders on blasphemy. While we’re on the subject of fuckups, let’s talk about Galactus. Perhaps the most powerful being in the Marvel comic book universe, he appears in Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer. In the comic books, he stands as tall as he wants, looming over planets and devouring worlds to stay alive. Know how they represented him in the movie? By making him a cloud. A fucking cloud. Director Tim Story, have you met Ang Lee? I’m sure the two of you will get along just fine.

There are two false steps that comic book movies make that, in my opinion, dwarf all others: First is the killing of major characters, particularly villains. Tim Burton killed The Joker and The Penguin. Joel Schumacher killed Two-Face. Brett Ratner directed X-Men: The Last Stand and fucking killed everybody. The death of a major character should be a shock, not an expected resolution to conflict . . . not to mention the fact that if your movie is any good, you’re going to need these characters around for the inevitable sequels. If all the villains die, what the hell is Batman gonna fight? Poverty? Global warming? Audiences want to see Batman matching wits with The Riddler, not spiffing out singles to hobos.

Second huge mistake: Why do these movies keep revealing the hero’s identity to anyone who happens along? Spider-Man had his mask come off in front of at least thirty people on a train; am I to believe that not one person thought to take a cell phone photo to sell to TMZ? In Tim Burton’s Batman, Alfred let Vicki Vale into the Batcave. INTO THE BATCAVE! Dude, I don’t care how long you’ve been in the Wayne Family’s employ, letting a reporter into the Batcave is a fireable offense. Good luck getting manservant work in this economy, particularly when word slips out you can’t keep a secret.

Which brings me to the franchise that represents both the best and worst of what this genre has to offer: Batman. Both hero and anti-hero, Batman has always represented a challenge for filmmakers: Stay true to the dark nature of the comic books, or play more to the family friendly camp of the aforementioned television series? Tim Burton opted for a little of both, allowing Jack Nicholson to smirk all over the place as The Joker, while creating a Gotham City that was . . . well, not necessarily dark, but certainly atmospheric. His sequel was just as gloomy, and the studio decided they needed a change—enter Joel Schumacher.

Schumacher threw dark out the window—the fabulous, fabulous window—adding tight shots of Batman’s ass, primary colors galore, and villains whose mouths were so full of scenery you could barely understand their lines. It was mercenary filmmaking from a guy who gave not one whit about comic book fans or staying true to mythology; his trilogy culminated in Batman & Robin, a film I can sum up in one line: Bruce Wayne’s English butler Alfred has a valley girl niece who shows up at Wayne Manor, and everyone decides that she should be Batgirl. That’s how little regard Schumacher had for people like me. The film was an abomination, a two-hour death that led Warner Brothers to put Batman on the shelf for the next eight years. It was eight years well spent.

Director Christopher Nolan came aboard, knocking the reboot out of the park with 2005’s Batman Begins. It didn’t bog us down with origin story, and showed the incident that made Bruce Wayne decide to be Batman in passing only. Instead, it treated its subject matter seriously, showing the challenges and complexities of a man who has decided to don a costume and run around fighting evil. Batman Begins made the leap from “comic book movie” to movie whose subject matter happened to come from a comic book. It was heavily influenced by the tone of The Dark Knight Returns, a graphic novel from 1986 that reinvented Batman as a hyper-violent vigilante intent on taking back his city. Christian Bale was terrific as Batman, and many thought it was the best comic book movie ever made, and it might have been . . . that is, until Nolan topped himself in 2008.

The Dark Knight was the sequel to Batman Begins, and even more so than that film it changed the way people look at comic book movies. It was the perfect amalgam of little kid desires with grownup tastes—like some amazing combination of The Departed and Silence of the Lambs, but with Batman and The Joker running around. I saw it eight times in theaters, and whether it was on a regular screen, in IMAX, with a full room or in an empty matinee house, I walked out fully satisfied each time. In a film that got so many things right, one element stood out above the others: Nolan understood the importance of the villain.

Heath Ledger’s Joker was a revelation, the strongest comic book movie villain in the history of the genre. His performance made Nicholson’s look ridiculous in hindsight, and raised the bar for all such performances to come. It would also prove to be as tragic as it was brilliant, as Ledger died shortly after completing filming on the movie. Awful—just when there’s a director who realizes you shouldn’t kill off the villains, the villain winds up killing off himself.

As I type this, Nolan is in Pittsburgh filming the third and final film of his Batman trilogy, The Dark Knight Rises. I’m confident that the movie will be incredible, but I’m even more confident that everyone who sees it will be judging the villain’s performance against Ledger’s . . . and by “everyone who sees it,” I mean me. Hear that, Tom Hardy? I’m gonna be watchin’ you pal.

The Dark Knight looked to be a game-changer, proving that you could do superhero comic book movies with mature themes and still draw an audience . . . and then Watchmen came out and destroyed all hope of the trend continuing. A film adaptation of my favorite graphic novel, Watchmen was true to the source material, respectful of the fans who loved the story . . . and inevitably misunderstood by the general public who couldn’t quite grasp a superhero movie where they didn’t know any of the heroes. I loved it, but I’m the target audience; the guys sitting behind me on opening night who kept asking “Wait, who the fuck are these guys?” and “When is Batman gonna show up?” were less impressed.

I’ve spent most of my time discussing superheroes, mainly because when I think “comic book” that’s the first place my mind goes. That’s right: You’ve been held prisoner by my biases; wait until you read the sports movie chapter. I could write ten thousand words on Rocky alone, but I digress.

You don’t need superheroes to make a successful comic book movie; in fact, some of the best films in the category had nary a cape to be seen. American Splendor, an adaptation of Harvey Pekar’s comic book series about his life is amazing, as was Road to Perdition with Tom Hanks and Paul Newman.

You don’t have to like comic books to like these movies. In Ghost World—another terrific adaptation—when the camera cuts to Enid dancing to a Bollywood tune and shaking her hair around you immediately love her. The shot lasts maybe five seconds, but you’re already invested in who she is, and what’s going to happen to her. Like a child with a comic book, the second you see the hero, you fall in love.

One of my favorite movies is The Crow, another film which featured the tragic death of a star, this time Brandon Lee. I hate to dismiss it with that nugget of information when it deserves so much more.

The Crow was dark and violent, and its look and feel was very much like The Dark Knight, projecting an atmospheric dread not only in subject matter, but also subconsciously; it is impossible to watch either film without thinking of the untimely death of its star. That they were both brilliant films helped, but I have to think the heightened emotional state viewers found themselves in contributed to the experience. I know I cried at both films during inappropriate moments. Of course, that might just mean I’m a pussy—but I prefer to think it means something else.

It means I’m not afraid to transport myself back to when I was a child, and comic book movies are just one vehicle I use to get me there. We’re all colored by the experiences of our lives, and no matter how many years pass—no matter how many jobs we have or children we raise—we carry with us the imprint of childhood, of who we were at the beginning. For me, comic books were a huge part of that, and I’m grateful that part of me lives on every time I see one of my heroes on screen.

THE TEN BEST COMIC BOOK MOVIES

1. The Dark Knight (2008)

The standard by which every future comic book movie will be judged.

2. The Crow (1994)

A grown up comic book movie; villains, violence, and vengeance.

3. Sin City (2005)

Mickey Rourke, Clive Owen, and Bruce Willis—as Stan Lee would say, ‘nuff said.

4. Ghost World (2001)

A movie for anyone who’s ever felt different—which means everyone.

5. Spider-Man 2 (2004)

The second movie is usually better than the first. The third, however . . .

6. Superman (1978)

The original hero movie; great cast and a perfect Superman in Christopher Reeve.

7. Kick-Ass (2010)

The best use of an Elvis song in any movie, ever. Yes, even in one of his own.

8. X2: X-Men United (2003)

Wolverine goes Berserker Rage in the mansion. We also get the first glimpses of Nightcrawler and Colossus.

9. American Splendor (2003)

Harvey Pekar proves that heroes come in all sorts of incarnations.

10. Watchmen (Director’s Cut) (2009)

Even more true to the graphic novel, with visuals sometimes lifted directly from the comic book frames. Stylistically, the most like a comic book on this list.

HONORABLE MENTION:

Heavy Metal (1981)

Because my fourteen-year-old self would never forgive me for leaving this off the list.

THE TEN WORST COMIC BOOK MOVIES

1. Batman & Robin (1997)

Joel Schumacher’s final fuck you to comic book fans. George Clooney deserved better.

2. Catwoman (2004)

Halle Berry won a Razzie Award for “Worst Actress of 2004” for this film. She accepted it in person, letting everyone know movie stars make mistakes too.

3. Anything Super that isn’t Superman or Superman II

Making another good Superman movie is turning out to be Hollywood’s Kryptonite.

4. The Green Hornet (2011) and Green Lantern (2011)

You might think it’s cheating to list these together, but the two of them combined only equal one full movie. You know who’s pissed off? Green Arrow. Thanks a lot, fellas.

5. Hulk (2003)

Hulk dogs, killing a villain before he even gets to be a villain, and a guy who turns into a cloud; Ang Lee should have called this movie The Incredible Have I Mentioned I Don’t Get Comic Books?

6. Spider-Man 3 (2007)

Wasting Venom alone merits placement on this list, but evil Peter Parker cinches the deal.

7. Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)

In the comics, the arrival of the Silver Surfer usually means disaster for your planet. Yep.

8. X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)

Hey, let’s take the most charismatic hero in the Marvel universe and have him mope around over a girl for a couple hours. Oh, and is there a way we can ruin Gambit while we’re at it? Fantastic.

9. Steel (1997)

NBA superstar Shaquille O’Neal fights crime? This guy can’t even hit free throws.

10. The Spirit (2008)

Comic book writer Frank Miller co-directed Sin City with Robert Rodriguez, then went solo to direct this on his own. Uh, Robert? Little help?

DISHONORABLE MENTION:

Thor (2011)

Just because who cares, y’know? Thor has long hair, falls in love with brilliant (!) scientist (!!) Natalie Portman (!!!), then fights a robot. Snooooooze.

FANTASY

By Jackie Kashian

When I was a kid, I fantasized that I wasn’t a powerless child without even the influence to change my bedtime. I think that’s the main fantasy of most children. Since Hogwarts forgot to send me my letter, so that I could get away from these people who were clearly NOT my real parents, movies did a great job of transporting me to a place where I had some control over my life.

I watched them all and then acted them out in my basement. In view of the fact that most fantasy movies take place in worlds that don’t resemble the small factory town in Wisconsin where I’m from, the furnace was my time and geography machine. I fought beside Ali Baba, King Arthur, and Robin Hood. I spent most of my time playing as “Tarzan’s boy” (sometimes as a girl, sometimes as “Tarzan’s boy,” judge me as you will).

I have been accused, by family, of being willing to watch “a test pattern if the colors change often enough.” That might be true, but I say if you’re not willing to sit through terrible special effects and cheeseball writing (Yes, Red Sonja, I speak of you), you’ll never get to fight the monster.

The graphics have certainly gotten better. We were so easily entertained as children. The 3D and special effects just needed to imply monsters that looked somewhat real and pop right out at you. But fantasy movies outlasted childhood, or we all became adults who refused to stop watching them, and some of those children grew up to improve the technology and put more quality into the scripts. I’ll always be grateful that techies never gave up on 3D. It may not always be used for good, but it’s amazing and, one day, it’s going to be magical.

The genre is built to rip off storylines and kids are built to rip off movies. Neither of us had any problem taking the best elements of cultures from around the world and playing with them. No mythology is safe from a mash-up by hack or genius.

Europe gives me Germanic “you’re not my father” plots to play off of. The Norse sent me to Valhalla. The British have a million knights, druids and Celtic tales, and there’s a non-stop ransacking of Roman and Greek mythology for premises. I got to pal around with Arabic Sinbads and Aladdins, and Africa gave me Tarzan.

You could say Tarzan isn’t sword and sorcery . . . and you would be wrong. Tarzan has a knife and mystical power over the beasts of the jungle. He has a “kingdom” that needs to be protected, and laws that must be followed. Bad guys who fail to follow Tarzan’s simple rules, “No Guns in Tarzan Country” and “the Elephant Graveyard is not to be looted,” get punished (usually by being trampled by mystically controlled elephants). What is Beastmaster, but Tarzan on another planet or “realm?”

Everything is derivative so everything is fair game. The world is born, in every culture, from darkness into light. There is always a great flood. There is often a messiah coming or has come. Fantasy films take from every holy book that’s ever been to create its monsters and heroes.

I love that fantasy uses the idea that specific objects can confer luck or power to the bearer. It’s a particularly Western idea that some specific ITEM is going to fix a problem. “Yes, young Arthur, your life WILL be better if that Sword likes you.” (Excalibur). Also, only you can use it. That sword, those shoes or, that autographed baseball chose YOU.

We love stuff: Pieces of the “true cross,” bowls used by prophets, lucky rabbit’s feet, and that particular car. Granted, I think all cultures appreciate the power of a really cool sword (hello Japan). Relics of piety and power are great tools. I certainly want to find the golden ticket, the Holy Grail, or the one ring. Well, maybe not the ONE ring . . . perhaps a nice Elven ring.

I watch fantasy movies because everything is simple. The nature of evil is uncomplicated. It’s easy to hate Voldemort because he’s an adult picking on an eleven-year-old child. In the real world, evil isn’t black or white. Bad people love their mothers and children. John D. Rockefeller was as good at being a good man as he was at being a bad man.

Movies affect what we believe and how we act. The message of a fantasy movie is usually how to be a good friend or a good leader. They encourage us to stand up for what is right. We learn the right thing to do is to help the weak and have courage in the face of fear and monsters.

I know there are a million crummy fantasy movies. I looked up and found lists of hundreds of, supposedly, terrible fantasy movies that I’ve never HEARD of. I’m okay with that. I don’t need to watch terrible movies for research, to find reasons to hate a genre I like. I admit it is weird when I don’t like a movie that is really popular. I want to be liked, just like you, but I try not to get a lot of my self-esteem from either liking or hating something that is popular.

Wizards is a weird mess of a movie that wants to boss everyone around about technology, magic, war, peace, and propaganda, but Ralph Bakshi can’t pick a lane. In Wizards, technology is terrible, magic is beautiful, propaganda is evil, but people are unpredictable. In the end, grief and rage cause the good guys to kill the bad guys with technology, not magic, and we’re to believe that that’s a happy ending. I know it’s a “cult classic” and college campuses all over America are watching it ironically or whatever, but the damn thing is morally bankrupt. The next time you watch this film, think about this:

The mutants that Blackwolf leads to war are banished, marginalized, and live in darkness and squalor. They didn’t “choose” to be segregated. They don’t “prefer” to live together out in the hinterlands. They are banished. Blackwolf is leading a minority revolution to get some of the good stuff that the fancy fairies who bask in the light of milk and honey are not sharing.

Blackwolf is vilified by the fact that he motivates his depressed and Vitamin D deficient minions by showing them Nazi propaganda. When one side of any argument is wearing swastikas, we all know who we’re supposed to hate.

Try this; substitute any real human minority for the mutants and make the fairies “the man.” It’s a very different movie. Now I’m not saying Bakshi is a racist. It might be that he just feels “more comfortable” around elves than trolls.

Even in Tolkien, trolls are in the world. Gandalf would have gone around the trolls in The Hobbit. He was willing to give them the right to not bother him. Remember what Gandalf didn’t say in the non-existent Men in Black 4: The Lord of the Rings, “you don’t start nothin’, there won’t be nothin’.”

I like that fantasy movies use a broad brush with a message of hope. I’m a simple woman of the people and I like a story where the obstacles are well-defined and the good guys win in the end. Yes. Please do chop off James Earl Jones’s head and toss it into the mass of his followers in Conan the Barbarian.

I am not taking a huge stand here by saying that the preceding book is usually better than the movie. I can’t think of a movie I like better than the book. Maybe The Princess Bride, but the book is really good. It doesn’t mean I don’t like adaptations, but it’s complicated. It’s like making a sculpture of a poem. You’re taking a piece of art and changing its medium. Tricksy, my precious.

The great side of film adaptation is that film people are thinking, “I want to create that. I want to SEE what that would look like and play in that world.” The bad side can be when no one “gets” the poem, and instead of turning it into a sculpture they turn it into a Chia Pet. In that situation, changes are made to characters, plot, motivations, and storylines. I know I’ll always have the books, but it’s still hard to watch someone adapt the fuck out of a book you love, and I mean that literally. You just took sex appeal out of my story, you bastard.

Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings are the two obvious examples. In my opinion, they both did a great job creating worlds with the right amount of reverence for the fans. The worlds are beautiful. The makeup, sets, costuming, and special effects bring Magical Britain and Middle Earth to life. I liked the movies, but I love the books.

Here is where I am going to lose a lot of you. I think Harry Potter did a better job than LOTR with the characters. Of course, Harry Potter is easier, on so many levels. It’s a modern fairy tale set more in our world and so much easier to “get,” and we can grow with children much easier.

I’m actually not a huge fan of a lot of gray area in my fantasy. I want there to be a good guy, a bad guy, and a quest, but some stories want to reflect the gray area of real human life. J.K. Rowling wanted us to realize that bad people aren’t always the embodiment of evil. Umbridge is no minion to Voldemort, but she is certainly not a good guy. She’s a petty woman using whatever power she is given . . . poorly.

LOTR didn’t feel the need, but Peter Jackson did. Peter Jackson wanted to show a struggle in the use of forbidden magic. It gets a little Dragonball Z for me as we watch the great struggles of Aragorn (not in the book), Faramir (SO not in the book) and Frodo (fine, it’s in the book). I like my heroes to be the ones to grow. In the book, Aragorn doesn’t have to grow. He’s Aragorn. The Hobbits are our true heroes. They are the only ones who “grow in stature.” In the movie version of the LOTR the Hobbits become the “baggage” they feared they would become in the book. We don’t get to see Merry and Pippin live up to their potential and earn the respect of the “big people.” Aragorn is constantly being consulted and Sam and Frodo never FIGHT over the damn ring. Are you kidding me? The only guy in the book who even has that struggle is Denethor and Jackson doesn’t even treat him as cunningly as the character would have enjoyed. It is a great looking movie though.

I will now invoke the worst and most effective comparison to LOTR—Willow. In fine fantasy tradition, Willow ripped off everything, including LOTR. Warwick Davis is, essentially, a Hobbit on an adventure bigger than him. In the end he meets a warrior (Val Kilmer) to protect him, a sorceress (Patricia Hayes) to help him, and friends (Kevin Pollak and Rick Overton) to support him, but he fights the boss battle himself. He has to face and defeat the evil Queen (Jean Marsh) and his own fears of inadequacy, alone, to win the day. This is the stuff that I need to see in my fantasy movies. I love a story about a lone wolf, a band of children, an orphaned/abused/neglected/devalued person that is underfuckinestimated. That’s the hero I need to take on a bad guy, and I want them to win.

I love a coming of age story. I want The Chosen with horses and swords. They remind us of how to behave. The message of Krull seems to be “mind your manners” and “please be polite at the very least.” They teach us simple lessons under the guise of fairytales. But remember, the point of fairytales has always been to teach and to warn.

Movies that hipsters love to hate are often my favorites. Don’t think it’s because I’m a girl that I liked Ladyhawke. I know plenty of straight men who love the movie, and it’s not just because of Rutger Hauer. Unlike hipsters, I resist ironic detachment. I love Willow and own it.

Fantasy films love the individual but insist we need others. We need to make friends, fall in love, and protect those who can’t protect themselves. The greatest reason to watch fantasy movies is because of reality. We’re all undervalued. We’re all underestimated. The stories work because everyone understands feeling alone. We do need to try a new adventure and/or face up to the things that frighten us. These movies encourage us to have courage and hope and belief. Even the Highlander, though he will outlive us all, should experience love.

THE TEN BEST FANTASY MOVIES

(In the order in which I would watch them, marathon style.)

1. The Princess Bride (1987)

It’s everything I want in a fantasy movie: adventure, romance, fighting, quippy dialogue. It’s packed with amazing actors and directed by Rob Reiner. Plus, when you’re mad at someone, it’s easy to get over it by quoting, “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” All good. Every time.

2. Willow (1988)

Yes. I know you’re really cool and you hate it. You’re wrong. Call Mancini and Elwood and tell them to let you write the next chapter about YOUR favorite fantasy films. This is a perfect, better than it had any right to be, movie. That pig trick? Warwick Davis nails it. And I think you must have forgotten that Val Kilmer is the greatest swordsman who ever lived. This movie is a swashbuckling adventure with great battles, a lot of magic, it’s adorable, and always fun to watch.

3. Tarzan and His Mate (1934)

Yeah. Most of the Tarzan movies with Johnny Weissmuller are great. The guy is a hero. There’s a reason they named a city within Los Angeles after him. And this one is hot.

4. The Three Stooges Meet Hercules (1962)

Think of it as The NeverEnding Story meets anything to do with the Three Stooges. A meek inventor is bullied. He goes back to the past in his time machine and becomes a gladiator WITH the Three Stooges. The inventor has a Conan-like boot camp scene where he becomes strong. Fights and the finding of oneself ensues. Then they all come back to 1962 and the bullies are gonna find out things have changed. That’s right.

5. Highlander (1986)

This is a grown man with skills and self-esteem, but he is laid low, loses it all, and then has greatness thrust upon him. There can only be one. Which is why the sequels are listed in the next section.

6. Conan the Barbarian (1982)

James Earl Jones. He really does make it. Written by Oliver Stone and John Milius.

7. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004) and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005)

Prisoner of Azkaban is the first dark one. I think they all hold up, but this one has depth. The kids are teenagers now and it can get creepier. In Goblet of Fire Ralph Fiennes is FINALLY Voldemort and people start dying. That dragon he fights is pretty cool too.

8. Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (then the other two) (2001)

Of the three, this is my favorite. It does the best in introducing character, plot, and the world of Middle Earth. The others have great battles, it ALL looks amazing, but here is where the story starts.

9. Ladyhawke (1985)

There is trouble with this movie. It’s a bit dumb, but it’s sweet and that Ferris Bueller kid is quippy. Michelle Pfeiffer is beautiful. Rutger Hauer is stoic and, in the end, love conquers all.

10. Excalibur (1981)

It’s another really good-looking movie. I think it was the Lord of the Rings of its time. Admittedly, it’s got problems. There seems to be a lot of SHOUTING, and the people enjoy staring at each other. That being said, it’s the best rendition of the Arthur legend (that isn’t a comedy or a musical) and the cast is genuinely amazing.

HONORABLE MENTION:

Stardust (2007)

Not really a successful film, but a fun and lively adaptation of the Neil Gaiman story. It got compared to The Princess Bride, which it isn’t, but it is worth your time.

THE TEN WORST FANTASY MOVIES

(In the order in which I would avoid them, marathon-style.)

1. Wizards (1977)

I’m sure it’s “art” if I wanted to mix my magic with newsreels of Hitler. It will never match my couch. I’m not buying it.

2. Eragon (2006)

This has an amazing cast, but I don’t care. It’s everything that people say Willow is, but is not. It’s an unfun, messy rip-off, and the dialogue is barely understandable. Did I mention I didn’t like it?

3. The Golden Compass (2007)

Wow, did they drop the ball on this adaptation from book to movie. The bear was cool looking and Nicole Kidman plays a VERY convincing bad guy, but there’s no plot left after you don’t put in the part where God doesn’t exist.

4. Highlander II (1991) and Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994)

I remember seeing the third movie: Highlander: The Final Dimension in the theater, thinking, “Did I miss a 2.5?” These are worse than the Mortal Kombat sequels. They also keep changing their titles. Remember “The Quickening”? Not there anymore.

5. Hawk the Slayer (1981)

Good luck even finding this movie, and when I say good luck I really mean “don’t ever try to find this movie.” I’m sure Jack Palance took it off his resume.

6. The NeverEnding Story Sequels (1990, 1994)

The original isn’t mentioned in the best but should get at least an honorable mention. The sequels of so many really great movies suck, and these are no different. Two was terrible but in three, it felt like even they were over it. Even the special effects were phoned in.

7. Conan Sequels and remakes. (1984, 2011)

Same as above. Stop it.

8. DragonHeart (1996)

I love Dennis Quaid. Sean Connery’s voice is like butter. But a whiny knight and a sad sack dragon go off to fight a king that is only “almost” immortal? That’s how they describe the king. Good grief. I’m almost interested. I’m sure you saw it when you were eight and thought it was the best thing ever. It really isn’t.

9. Krull (1983)

I’d actually watch this if I were bedridden. Oh, it’s bad, but its heart is in the right place. And yes, that is Liam Neeson and Robbie Coltrane in very small roles.

10. Dragonslayer (1981)

I’ve seen this enough that I watch it out of habit now. It’s a pretty good looking dragon movie . . . but it’s dumb.

DISHONORABLE MENTION

Legend (1985)

Beautifully shot and the makeup effects are stunning. And . . . that’s it. Not really at all watchable. Tom Cruise, Tim Curry, and Tangerine Dream. It’s 1985, baby.

HORROR

By Matt Weinhold

When I was a kid, the hardest thing about being a horror film fan was staying awake. Since my parents enforced a strict bedtime schedule on school nights, they would graciously allow me to stay up as late as I wanted to on weekends to watch KTVU’s Creature Features, hosted by San Francisco Bay Area legend, Bob Wilkins. Unlike most horror movie hosts of that time, Bob did not dress up like a monster, but as himself. He was a fairly nerdy looking guy who wore thick black framed glasses and a blazer, but punctuated this look by always smoking a big cigar. He had a dry, sarcastic wit, but at the same time was extremely accessible and likeable. Now that I think about it, I suppose he was my first role model.

Defying logic and sponsors, Bob often encouraged his viewers to go to sleep rather than watch some of the particularly awful films he showed. He was honest and that’s why we loved him. Of course, no matter what the film, I never went to sleep. Well, not on purpose. I remember occasionally waking up on a Sunday morning realizing I had fallen asleep during a movie that I had really wanted to see, and then cursing myself for my weakness. You have to remember, those were the days before videotapes, DVDs, and DVRs. If you missed something, you had to wait another six months for it to be replayed. Alas, sometimes it never was.

Creature Features caught on, adding Friday to the lineup and expanding to two films per night. This was my golden age of horror film indoctrination. However, although the constant barrage of films like Robot Monster and I Was a Teenage Frankenstein helped shape my love of horror, my education would have never been complete without the help of my seven years older brother, Mark.

During a good portion of my youth, my parents were usually working at night with their catering business, allowing my brother to fuck with me in new and creative ways. He would do things like cut off the electricity in the house, then moan and hiss in the darkness while I pissed my pants. Or, he’d get my older sister, Lynne, to hold my arms while he would dress up in a lab coat and burst in the front door posing as a doctor coming to take me to the insane asylum. No joke. Say what you want, but when it came to being an adolescent asshole, Mark was kind of a genius.

So you’d think after all this I’d be put off on scary things entirely, but the human mind is a mysterious thing, and I think after a while all of these frights started to get fun. My brother had a full set of the Aurora monster model kits that my dad had done a great job of painting. As I would study them, it became clear that monsters were really cool. I started to seek out spooky fun that was not brother-created and soon, a thrill junkie was born.

Cut to the next time my brother and I are watching Creature Features. The movie is the original film version of Richard Matheson’s vampire classic I Am Legend called The Last Man on Earth starring Vincent Price. It’s the scene where the zombie-like vampires are trying to break into Robert Morgan (Price)’s house and moaning “Morgan!” Of course, as the scene plays out, my brother sees this as another opportunity to scare the shit out of me by cutting the power off in the house again and moaning “Morgan!” in the dark. This time, however, instead of getting scared, I go to the kitchen, create a makeshift crucifix out of two butcher knives, and think, “Bring it!”

I can definitely mark the stages of my maturity with the type of horror movies I liked growing up. In my pre-teens, the gauge of a good horror film was determined by what kind of monsters were in it, how many monsters there were, how often the monster was on screen, and how cool the monster looked. More monster = great movie. Even movies that had kind of crappy looking monsters that were on the screen most of the time at least got an honorable mention. However, my favorites at this time had to be the classic monsters of Universal Studios.

I loved Dracula, The Creature from the Black Lagoon, and Frankenstein’s monster, but for some strange reason, the monster that I was particularly obsessed with during this time was the Wolfman. In the films, Larry Talbot considered himself cursed and would do anything to rid himself of his lycanthropy, but I saw being a werewolf as the coolest thing that could ever happen. Being a kid that was picked on practically from the second I left my room, the idea that during the full moon I could change into a wild beast, go berserk, get back at all the assholes that tormented me at recess, then turn back into a human and be left morally off the hook was particularly attractive. Sure, you could kill me with a silver bullet but what were the odds of that happening to me in the first grade?

Next to come was the giant monster phase. This included nuclear created terrors like the giant ants in Them!, mythical creatures like the Cyclops from The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, or any other stop motion creation of legendary special effects genius Ray Harryhausen. Oh, and let’s not forget Godzilla.

My friends and I had a monster crush on Godzilla that rivaled Beatlemania. We would almost come to blows over the latest issue of Famous Monsters of Filmland if the big guy was on the cover. For me, Godzilla was kind of an extension of my Wolfman phase. The same revenge fantasy dynamics were at play, but obviously on a far more massive scale. I used to make my own illustrated storybooks that had Godzilla clearing a path of destruction through the streets of San Francisco, finally unleashing the height of his fury out on my school. Should my parents have been worried? Maybe. Should my principal have been concerned? Definitely.

Like any crush, soon Godzilla began to lose his charm and I started seeking out more adult scares. Hammer Film Studios of England reinvented the classic Universal monsters with vivid color, more mature plots, a lot more blood, and a heaping helping of sex. As a boy entering puberty, I had already experienced my first several erections while watching Diana Rigg as Emma Peel from the Avengers TV series. Seeing her dressed in a leather catsuit and kicking ass was like flipping the “on” switch in my penis. So, by the time I got to the nude lesbian scenes in Hammer films like The Vampire Lovers and Lust for a Vampire, I finally realized what all those Godzilla films had been missing. Some red hot giant monster on giant monster action.

As I hit my early teens, my tastes became more sophisticated and I began to appreciate how establishing a creepy mood and a sense of dread could be far more unsettling than two guys in rubber monster suits beating the shit out of each other. I discovered Roger Corman’s Edgar Allen Poe film series, and fell in love with his ability to bring gothic horror to vivid life in House of Usher, The Pit and the Pendulum, and my particular favorite, The Masque of Red Death. Other gems that opened my eyes to more subtle thrills were some of the classic haunted house films like the 1963 version of The Haunting, The Innocents, and The Legend Of Hell House. I also discovered the works of producer Val Lewton, whose atmospheric offerings such as I Walked with a Zombie and The 7th Victim provided a classier alternative to the Universal monster movies of the time. Next to come was Italian Director Mario Bava, who brought an almost dreamlike quality to films like Black Sunday, Black Sabbath, and Planet of the Vampires, the latter of which served as inspiration for many scenes from Alien. By the way, my wife and I have a framed original half sheet poster of Planet of the Vampires in our bedroom and it really helps set the mood. Thank you Mario Bava for saving our marriage!

Even though my appreciation for “legitimate” horror was increasing, it didn’t mean I wasn’t above some good cheap thrills. To this day, I am a HUGE fan of director William Castle and my favorite film of his is The Tingler. It tells the story of a scientist (played by Vincent Price) who discovers that all fear felt in the human body is caused by a centipede-like creature, or Tingler, that lives along the human spinal cord. As fear increases, the Tingler grows bigger and can only be shrunk down again by screaming. This leads a sadistic silent movie theater owner to scare his deaf mute wife to death so he and Price can get at her Tingler and surgically remove it for study. Unfortunately, it accidentally gets loose in the silent movie theater and creates all sorts of mayhem. Suddenly the screen goes black and Price announces that the Tingler is loose in theater and if we want to survive, “Please do not panic! But SCREAM! Scream for your lives!” It was at this point during the original theatrical screenings that electric buzzers installed in the seats went off, causing the people sitting in them to scream their heads off. Fun, right? I’d take that over your typical modern headache inducing 3D any time. I hold this film in such high regard, my wife and I even had a Tingler themed wedding at the Silent Movie Theater in Los Angeles. Yeah, I got one cool wife.

So you see, my horror geekiness runs deep and is even encouraged by my spouse. We both share a special love for John Carpenter’s The Thing, which I consider a true masterpiece of the genre, no matter what the idiot film reviewers said about it at the time of its release. It’s got all the elements of a great horror story: You’ve got the isolation of an arctic research station, so if anything bad happens, you’re REALLY fucked. You got the paranoia of wondering who is actually human and who is the “Thing”. Then, there’s the actual “Thing” itself: A truly original movie monster whose ability to constantly change into new and increasingly bizarre shapes makes it difficult for the viewer to predict what new horror is coming next. One of my favorite movie scares of all time is when during an autopsy, a dead body’s stomach suddenly grows a mouth and bites off the doctor’s hands. Nope, didn’t see that coming.

It is nice to see that the zombie genre is finally getting the respect it’s due. With the success of The Walking Dead AMC series, and the sheer avalanche of better than average zombie flicks that have come along in recent years, it looks like this may be a golden age for ghouls. I’ve always been a huge fan of the George A. Romero “Dead” films, but I did enjoy Zack Snyder’s remake of Dawn of the Dead. The original Dawn has a better story and is loads of fun but the new version has some great scares that make up for some frankly inexcusable plot points. Honestly, who puts the asshole guy in charge of anything, let alone for making sure the only door that leads to safety stays open!? On the other hand, the first fifteen minutes of this film are genius! Sarah Polley trying to get away from her zombie husband is pure horror joy. If only all breakups had such clear closure.

The Dawn of the Dead remake features zombies that can run which I know pisses off a lot of the undead purists. Personally, I don’t have a problem with the running zombies. I assume that whatever makes dead bodies come back to life, would also make their muscles work. So they could run! That is, until their muscles started to decay and could physically no longer support their zombie frames. But never mind that, what’s more important is that running zombies look kind of cool. Oh, and there’s no such thing as zombies so why doesn’t everyone just shut up and let some zombies run?

When it comes to horror movies, I rarely draw a line about what subject matter is acceptable. For example, people like to put down the much maligned genre of slasher films. I always hear the criticism that films like Friday the 13th promote violence against women. I have to disagree. Trust me, I’ve seen quite a few slasher films and usually the only survivor is the smart female. If these films promote violence against anyone, it’s stupid young people of any gender. Now, is that really so wrong? Haven’t you ever been on the receiving end of some really shitty teenage customer service at the mall and thought, “If only Jason were here, he’d make this kid stop texting.”

So, trying to scare the shit out of myself is what I call fun. I’m not all that different than I was when I was a kid. Halloween is still my favorite holiday, and I still have a bunch of nerdy friends who unashamedly feel the same way. Of course, we’re not all the same and when it comes to horror, some of my pals draw a line in the sand where I have neither sand nor any drawing ability.

Which brings us to The Human Centipede.

If you haven’t heard of it, haven’t seen it, or as many people I meet, refuse to see it, here’s the plot in a nutshell: A crazy German surgeon kidnaps some people and sews them together ass to face in an attempt to create a human centipede. If after that description you still want to know more, you might as well just see it. But if upon hearing what it’s about, you immediately cross it off your list forever, let me just tell you . . . it’s good. It’s got some great cinematography, there’s some nice acting (Dieter Laser who plays the crazy surgeon is creepy and hilarious), and considering the subject matter, it’s actually handled quite tastefully by writer/director Tom Six. There’s not all that much blood as horror movies go, and there are many things that a lesser director doing this script would have shown that this one didn’t. That being said, it is quite the sick and twisted little nightmare, and I can still perfectly understand why it wouldn’t be on most people’s “must see” list.

So one night I go over to my friend Jake’s place to turn him on to Centipede. Jake and I are about halfway through the movie when I inform him that they’re making a sequel. Jake seems shocked. “A sequel? How could they make a sequel?” I point out that three people stitched together, doth not an actual human centipede make. We have a few more laughs but I get the feeling that he’s a little disturbed by this film. After it’s over, Jake informs me that he’s finally found his line in the sand and it’s The Human Centipede. That’s cool. I have a million other great horror films that have nothing to with sewing people together ass to face that I’m sure he’d enjoy. So I go home, and think nothing more of it.

A few days later Jake calls, and the first thing he says is, “They’re making a sequel?” He goes on to say that it has taken him this long to get over Centipede. He tried explaining it to his wife and friends, but I guess like war, unless you’ve gone through it, it’s really kind of impossible to adequately describe. Now, Jake had an unpleasant experience with Centipede, but in fairness, it did stick with him days later. Good art has a way of doing that.

I’d like to take time right now to point out that I completely understand why watching horror films is not everyone’s cup of tea. The very nature of horror is to drudge up things in the human psyche that by their very definition are frightening and unpleasant. So I get it. And it’s not like everything I watch is horror. Hey, I’m the guy who still cries at the end of West Side Story . . . every time! I loved the movie Enchanted, and not just because I like picturing Amy Adams without her ball gown. And Lawrence of Arabia is in my top ten favorite films of all time, despite its complete lack of human centipedes. What offends me is when people slam the whole horror genre as trash. It’s not. Like comedy, horror is far more difficult than it looks. People gave The Blair Witch Project a bunch of shit, but you try going out in the woods with a couple of cameras and making something that’s even half as effective. I dare you! Please! Because if you can, that means I get to see another great horror film.

I see horror fans as kind of movie going heroes; an audience who will risk tapping into their own fears just for the sake of a night’s entertainment, and horror films make you smarter. I’ll never know for sure, but I bet I’ve avoided my own death several times by simply not investigating that sound I heard, or not going camping near the place where all those murders happened. My TV host mentor, Bob Wilkins, taught me well. On his spooky looking set he had a sign on the wall that read, “Watch Horror Films, Keep America Strong.” You’re welcome, America!

Note: It’s hard to make a definitive top ten list of something I enjoy so much. All the films that I mentioned in this chapter would be part of that ever-changing list, so consider them part of my top 100. I didn’t want to include films like The Exorcist, Psycho, Alien, or Jaws because everyone know those are great. As for my top ten worsts, I’m not going to include any ultra low budget bad horror films like Plan 9 from Outer Space or Troll 2 because this type of film often has a charm all its own. Instead, I’m going to go after the people who should know better.

THE TEN BEST HORROR FILMS

1. Black Sabbath (a.k.a. The Three Faces of Fear) (1963)

Legendary Italian director Mario Bava’s trilogy of horror stories includes a woman being harassed by her supposedly deceased ex-lover, a spirit of a medium who comes back from the dead to reclaim her stolen ring, and Boris Karloff as “The Wurdalak”: A vampire who can only feast on the ones it loves. If you want to see a brilliantly directed film, not to mention Karloff at his most terrifying, this is the one.

2. John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982)

Again, fucking great every time I see it. It’s what I watch on Christmas instead of It’s a Wonderful Life.

3. The Brood (1979)

Dark genius David Cronenberg’s most original film. Oliver Reed plays a psychologist whose controversial new treatment causes a patient to manifest her anger in the form of blond haired, malformed children that she gives birth to out of a sack outside her stomach. Based on a true story.

4. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

One of my favorite sub-genres of horror is anything that has to do with backwoods, inbred cannibals that terrorize a small group of people. Well, this one is the best! Tobe Hooper’s original is horrifying from every aspect, right down to its unusual soundtrack. It’s a film that gleefully makes you feel like you’re experiencing the nightmare right along with the characters. And trust me; I was a road comic for many years. These people do exist.

5. The Hills Have Eyes (1977)

Makes a great second feature with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. What sets Wes Craven’s original version apart from the remake is its primitive documentary style and bizarre looking actors like Michael Berryman. The remake had a bunch of guys in nice latex makeup, but that’s not nearly as scary as casting people who need no makeup.

6. Night of the Living Dead (1968)

The zombie film that changed everything. Shot for pennies on the dime, its low budget actually helps make the film more effective. Duane Jones as Ben gives a remarkable performance, and the ending still haunts me to this day. But to be fair, I’m easily hauntable.

7. The Descent (2005)

Director Neil Marshall’s claustrophobic tale about a group of female spelunkers who get trapped in a series of caverns with some carnivorous mole people. Expertly shot and directed, and WAY better than it sounds.

8. Suspiria (1977)

Often dubbed the Italian Hitchcock, Dario Argento’s legacy of fright reaches its peak in Suspiria. Suzy Bannon (Jessica Harper) joins a ballet academy that is secretly a coven of witches. Argento’s color drenched imagery juxtaposed against an unnerving soundtrack by the band Goblin makes this a true masterpiece. My one complaint about this movie is the tagline, “The Only Thing More Terrifying Than The Last 12 Minutes Of This Film Are The First 92”. Great, so what you’re saying in the last 12 minutes kind of suck . . . which they don’t.

9. Halloween (1978)

Some people forget that this John Carpenter classic that ushered in the “slasher” era is actually a well-crafted suspense tale with very little blood. I love this movie so much, I used to have the theme music as my ringtone. That was such a lonely time.

10. Bride of Frankenstein (1935)

Director James Whale’s sequel to 1931’s Frankenstein adds a deeper level of humanity to the Monster’s story, not to mention unbelievable sets, incredible cinematography, and wonderful performances by Boris Karloff, Else Lanchester, Colin Clive, and Ernest Thesiger as Doctor Septimus Pretorius. Why aren’t people naming their kids Septimus anymore?

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Phantasm (1979), Horror of Dracula (1958), Curse of the Demon (1957), Burn, Witch, Burn (1962), Tombs of the Blind Dead (1972), Island of Lost Souls, (1932), TrollHunter (2010), Ringu (1998), Return of the Living Dead (1985), The Evil Dead Trilogy (1981, 1987, 1992), Teeth (2007), The “Coffin Joe” Trilogy (1963-2008), The Abominable Dr. Phibes
(1971), Dead Alive (1992), The Howling (1981), Hellraiser (1987), Tucker and Dale vs. Evil (2010), A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), Freaks (1932), The Unknown (1927), and . . .  ah hell, just call me!

THE TEN WORST HORROR MOVIES

1. Poltergeist (1982)

Tobe Hooper may have been credited for directing this mess but Steven Spielberg’s mitts are all over it. Most of the film is like the cinematic equivalent of staring into a flashlight and there’s a ghost in it that looks like a character from The Muppet Show. I have to admit though, I do like the scene where the chairs in the kitchen stack themselves.

2. House of the Dead (2003)

To paraphrase a Simpsons character, “Worst zombie movie ever.”

3. Hollow Man (2000)

Aptly titled because it made me feel nothing.

4. The Amityville Horror (1979)

I had no idea evil spirits were capable of turning a staircase into marshmallow.

5. The Haunting (1999)

With a bad script and a bunch of stupid CGI faces coming out of the walls, this turd is about as frightening as an episode of H.R. Pufnstuf. See the original. Please!!!

6. A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

I love Jackie Earle Haley, but he’s all wrong for Freddy. I love the Robert Englund Freddy movies because he has a charm that sometimes makes you forget he’s a child killer.

7. Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)

I felt like the Devil was phoning this one in. Aside from being completely awful, this film is singlehandedly to blame for the demise of the possessed locust cam.

8. Cabin Fever (2002)

Why Quentin Tarantino and Peter Jackson like this film will always be a complete mystery to me. It’s as unlikable as its characters and seems to be treading some strange line between 70’s horror homage and comedy. It’s the worst example of “Look how cool I am!” filmmaking.

9. Psycho (1998)

Yep, another remake. And even though it’s a shot for shot remake of the Hitchcock classic, it begs the question, “Why bother?”

10. Devil (2010)

Just when I thought M. Night Shyamalan couldn’t fuck up a movie worse than he did with Signs, The Village, Lady in the Water, and The Happening (although Zooey Deschanel was adorkable), Devil comes along to show me that he’s got at least one more big budget stinker in him. Sure, he didn’t direct it but he wrote and produced it. It’s still his movie. I mean honestly, you can tell if Satan is hanging around if you drop your toast and it lands jelly side down? Everyone knows Satan is not just for breakfast anymore!

Now that we’ve gone through the top and bottom ten, I feel I need to add an additional list of cult films that are probably off your horror radar.

THE TEN BEST HORROR FILMS YOU’VE
PROBABLY NEVER HEARD OF

1. Shock Waves (1977)

The first Nazi zombie movie and, without a doubt, the best. Peter Cushing lives on an island with the last platoon of Nazi zombie super soldiers. When some vacationers on a pleasure cruise wash up on shore, the “Death Corps” rises up from beneath the water for some undead fun. Think of this as The Boys from Brazil meets Night of the Living Dead, meets Gilligan’s Island.

2. Blue Sunshine (1978)

Ten years after taking some tainted LSD, several people lose their hair and become homicidal maniacs. Zalman King is accused of one of the crimes and to exonerate himself he must expose his old dealer/up-and-coming politician, Mark Goddard (who played Don in the Lost in Space TV series) before more acid flashbackers lose their marbles. This film is fucking bonkers!

3. Session 9 (2001)

Gordon Fleming (Peter Mullan) owns an asbestos removal company. He is sent in to clean up an abandoned sanitarium. Already good, right? But, once they’re on the job, Gordon discovers a collection of nine audio taped therapy sessions of patient 444: A 37-year-old woman with multiple personality disorder. What is the connection between Gordon’s strange visions, patient 444, and Session 9? Rent it and find out, won’t you? Oh, David Caruso is in this too.

4. Deathdream (aka Dead of Night) (1974)

A young man thought killed in Vietnam, comes back to his family as a vampire. The film’s appeal really hinges on the super creepy performance of the vampire played by Richard Backus. It was directed by Bob Clark; the creative genius behind the unintentional horror film series, Porky’s.

5. Martyrs (2008)

Okay folks, this one is not for the fainthearted. In this controversial film by French writer/director Pascal Laugier, a secret society tortures people in an attempt to bring their consciousness to a level where they can see into the afterlife. It’s an extremely violent and disturbing film, but at the same time intelligent and groundbreaking. Definitely not for first date viewing!

6. Horror Hotel (1960)

A young woman researching witchcraft in the fictional Massachusetts town of Whitewood, unknowingly checks into a hotel run by a coven of witches led by Christopher Lee. Guess who’s on the sacrifice menu? The tag line for this movie was “Ring for doom service” which to be honest, is a lot faster than room service.

7. REC (2007)

Remade in this country as Quarantine, this original Spanish version is much better. People get quarantined in an apartment building that is infected with a “virus” that turns people into zombie-like killers. It’s one of those point-of-view from a video camera films (thus the title REC as in, “Record”) but doesn’t give you a headache. Followed up by REC 2, which is also pretty great.

8. Wolf Creek (2005)

An Australian film by director Greg Mclean about some lost tourists in the outback being helped and then terrorized by Mick, an evil version of Crocodile Dundee. Mick is played by John Jarrett, and is arguably one of the most terrifying screen villains of all time.

9. Peeping Tom (1960)

Michael Powell was a respected director throughout the 40’s and 50’s, making classics like The Red Shoes and Black Narcissus. Then he made Peeping Tom, and all that changed. Peeping Tom concerns Mark Lewis (Carl Boehm), a photographer who on his off hours, kills women while filming them. Although slammed by critics during its initial release, years later it has been reassessed as a masterpiece. Even Martin Scorsese cites it as one of his favorite films of all time. So there, dumb sixties critics!

10. Pontypool (2008)

Think of this film as 28 Days Later, but instead of blood turning people into homicidal killers, it’s words. Down and out shock jock Grant Mazzy (Stephen McHattie) and his morning zoo crew are held up in their station while the world outside falls apart as the result of the language virus. But, since Grant is armed with only his words, could he actually be making things worse? This is a very clever film!

COMEDY

By Suzy Nakamura

How’d I end up with this chapter? Because no one else wanted it, that’s how. Too much pressure and too many opinions. Where do you even start? I guess you start by just making a list. So I started writing down movies—my favorites, movies that influenced me, and movies that me and my friends quoted a lot. All of which led to—popular movies, movies that influenced other movies, and movies that I forgot about. That made a list of 59 good comedies. I could only pick 10 for the list at the end, so I had to do some editing.

Comedy is personal. My sense of humor, your sense of humor, “one’s” sense of humor is shaped by our experiences and influences—and they’re all different. I learned that pretty early on, when I was still a teenager. Cue flashback.

My best friend, Connie, and I were hanging out with her boyfriend’s friends one summer and they couldn’t stop laughing about The Gods Must Be Crazy. They had seen it together as kids and the mere mention of Africa or Coke would start a giggly reference fest. “You HAVE to see it,” they would say, “It’s so funny!” Connie and I couldn’t wait to see it so we could join in. So one night we marched to Erol’s Video, brought the VHS tape back, and we all watched the movie together. The guys were giggling and laughing the whole time. They would even laugh in anticipation of something coming up. Connie and I just looked at each other, confused and disappointed. We clearly didn’t get it. Maybe it’s true that girls don’t appreciate slapstick. Maybe our lives were too different from these boys to connect to the movie. Or maybe it was just hyped too much. Dunno. All I know is that I feel very strongly about what I like and what I think is funny. Maybe I need to be less judgmental about comedy, because Connie ended up marrying one of those boys and I live with a cat.

The impact movies make on us are affected by when we watch it, who we see it with, and where we are in our lives at that moment. All these things play a part in our connection with them, especially for comedies. It’s a lot like music, if songs were 90 minutes and hilarious. Not to overstate it, but a good comedy can change our lives. Little did I know that my future would be revealed when my mother and I left Sunday school at The Buddhist Temple of Chicago and walked to the Riviera Theater on Racine to see The Blues Brothers. I watched Belushi and Aykroyd tear it up and couldn’t believe that my mom was still laughing after all that swearing and ruined cars. It was my mom that told me they were both from a small theatre right there in Chicago, and about ten years later I started working at The Second City. Thanks, movies!

Watching or, better yet, going to see a movie with someone only enhances the experience. I mean, who goes to see Tropic Thunder alone? Wait, don’t answer that. I forgot who I was talking to.

Why do we love comedies so much? Maybe because a good comedy manipulates us like no other genre. We look forward to laughter—we seek it out. We still turn to movies to escape, and comedies are the favorite choice when we just want to be entertained. Rarely do we struggle to figure out the ending of a comedy. Rarely. I did not expect to laugh during Jackass: The Movie. Correction: I didn’t want to laugh, but I did. Hard. Hard, uncontrollable laughing. Hard, uncontrollable laughing and screaming. I had expectations, but boy was I wrong. A great bit that you don’t see coming is like being hit in the face. By a large, funny pillow fist. Sorry, I’m stuck in a metaphor here, but you get it. Comedy audiences seem so sophisticated now. It must be hard to deliver things that are unexpected, especially with today’s marketing, so when it is we appreciate it. I thought The Hangover was about finding a baby in Vegas. Who knew it was a delightful comedy Memento?

Comedy is universal. I was in Brussels for a film festival when I overheard a harried volunteer say to his friend, “Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.” And with a Flemish accent no less. His friend laughed, I laughed at the quote, they laughed at me laughing, and we all looked crazy and unstable. When a comedy is packed with memorable lines like in Airplane!, you get countless references not just between you and your peers, but an entire film-watching community.

Because laughter is such a personal experience, comedy connects us. Finding the same things funny links us together even though the laughs might be miles or decades apart. When a buddy of mine introduced me to Stranger Than Paradise, I felt like a member of an exclusive circle. Tons of people saw Stripes, but quoting lines from it felt “inside” and anyone who hadn’t seen it was out of that club. Truthfully, at that time in my life, watching movies was the only way I would be included in any club. That’s probably the appeal of cult movies like Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It’s like an inside joke if your 6th grade buddies were everyone in the world who saw that movie. I was in. Well, I wasn’t really in, but I felt in. I took what I could get.

Comedy is timeless. The comedy genre started with silent films. Well, film started with silent films, but comedies quickly took over the medium. Slapstick and physical comedy were perfect fits since no words are necessary to express a chase, a tumble or just a look. Old-timey dramas seem highly-stylized and overdramatic now. Go watch Kid Auto Races in Venice (1914). No seriously, go look it up and watch it now, it’s only like seven minutes long. How great are those shoves? Movies have come so far since then that you might expect Charlie Chaplin’s mannerisms or reactions to be dated, but a good bit and great characters endure. This is Chaplin’s debut as the Tramp, and his desperation to be on camera is eerily 21st century.

Real “funny” seems pure and doesn’t seem to age, and when it’s done well, we can watch it over and over again. Rentals, iTunes, and Netflix give us an opportunity not to just discover films, but revisit the ones we saw years ago. So many of today’s characters owe a debt to Michael Keaton’s debut in Night Shift, and so many try to recreate the chemistry between Alan Arkin and Peter Falk in The In-Laws, but they are the originals to me.

Comedy can be different kinds of funny. A good comedy can be so much more than laughs. Funny can be witty, satirical, lighthearted, or even dark. I smiled all the way through The Graduate, but I can’t say that I laughed out loud—that doesn’t mean that it’s not funny. Oh, and fucking GREAT. Shirley MacLaine in The Apartment is really cute and fun and then she tries to kill herself. But you know what? Still funny. Fargo is slow moving and almost meditative at times—still funny. Smart is funny.

North is dumb and therefore not funny. It’s actually confusing and not funny. No matter how exaggerated a story or characters can be, they still have to be relatable and nothing in this movie is. Is it a kid’s movie? Is it an adult movie where we’re the kid? Is it supposed to be satirical? I don’t know what happened, but something got lost. And it was directed by Rob Reiner so I really don’t know what happened. I mean it’s just—it’s what you call in the movie business, “not good.”

A good movie satire lets you in on a larger joke, but don’t forget that it can challenge you too. As long as you’re laughing you don’t have to think directly about war (Robert Altman’s M.A.S.H.), politics (Stanley Kubrick’s Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb), or even controversial movies themselves (South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut). Comedy is a way to see something from a distilled perspective, or at least another one. It’s the best way to tackle difficult or even taboo subject matter. Dare you laugh about violent crime or the life of a serial killer in Man Bites Dog? Why not? Laugh first, think later. Humor is the spoonful of sugar we need.

No one wants to hear about your relationships, least of all me, but if it’s funny, I’ll watch it. I couldn’t tell you what I was watching when I first saw Harold and Maude and I don’t think I laughed once. But then again, I was ten. I think my dad thought it was a kid’s movie. The idea that it was about romantic love was kinda gross to me, so I thought of it as a movie about acceptance (and later, rebirth). If you took the kissing out of romantic comedies, isn’t that what they’re all really about? When Harry accepted Sally? When Alvy Singer accepted Annie Hall? Maybe that’s a stretch, but what I love about romantic comedies is that we are allowed to laugh at the worst parts of love. The difficult parts, the embarrassing parts, the mistakes, the regrets.

I mean, isn’t it weird to call Modern Romance a “romantic” comedy? It’s almost torture. I cringe at Albert Brooks’s character because I don’t ever want to be him, but I know a part of me is. Can we call them relationship comedies? Relcoms? No? Just wondering.

Let’s face it. We don’t want to see ourselves. Our struggling, conflicted, flawed selves. But if we watch an exaggerated representation so we can point and laugh, it’s much more palatable. Are we mocking the outsiders in Napoleon Dynamite or Superbad, or are we celebrating and bonding with them? Watching Andy struggle in 40-Year-Old Virgin makes us feel, dare I say, “normal,” but we are still on his emotional journey. Comedies put unreal people in a real world (like Chauncey Gardner in Being There), or put real people in an unreal world (like Phil Connors in Groundhog Day). This way we can see our society or ourselves in stark relief. Anyone can put on a fat suit, but in The Nutty Professor Eddie Murphy gives Sherman Klump a heart so huge (no pun) and vulnerable that you just want to protect him, and what Murphy does with the characters at the dinner table is masterful.

We want to live in comedies, admit it! A place where no one gets really hurt, our reality is heightened, we laugh at our fears, and exaggerate our triumphs. Don’t we feel vindicated in Annie Hall when Woody Allen pulls Marshall McLuhan out of nowhere to shut up that guy in line? Alvy Singer’s line says it all, “Boy, if life were only like this.”

Ernest Hemingway said, “The parody is the last refuge of the frustrated writer,” but let’s face it, he was not the happiest guy. Yes, parody seems easy to do because everyone does it on YouTube, but it’s not. That is, it’s not easy to do it well. Just watch the bad ones. You can’t just find and replace within a structure and hit gold. For it to be successful, it has to be really close to the original form. For Young Frankenstein, Mel Brooks didn’t use zoom lenses or dolly tracks to mimic the setups available in the 30’s. I’m assuming An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn was supposed to be a fake documentary, but you’d never know it because director Arthur Hiller barely followed the documentary form. (You know a movie is a disaster when Sylvester Stallone gives the most convincing performance.) People addressing the camera does not a documentary make. Constructing a story through interviews and observations does. This is Spinal Tap is great because it was shot and edited exactly like a documentary. It exaggerated characters and situations and added comedic elements, but preserved the form and sustained a story.

With the parody form, filmmakers have given us Blazing Saddles, Naked Gun, and an entire hybrid genre, the mockumentary. When it’s done well, it can be funny and even enlightening.

It takes a special movie to make you laugh and cry. A good movie takes our relationship to a character from introduction to recognition to intimacy pretty quickly. Great characters are great because we feel we know them, and we are invested in their struggle. Don’t you hate when you recognize yourself in an imperfect character? (I’m asking for a friend.) We’re watching an exaggerated us, or an anti-us, or an ideal us, so when we watch them change, it can be simultaneously inspiring and heartbreaking.

It doesn’t matter how many times I see Groundhog Day, I tear up when Bill Murray’s Phil tries in vain to resuscitate and save the old man in the street. There are no laughs here, but we are watching a rotten guy try to change not just his destiny but someone else’s. We can’t help but cheer him on. In Planes, Trains, & Automobiles when Steve Martin’s Neal discovers that John Candy’s Del can’t go home? Have mercy. I’m a wreck. Don’t even get me started on Pixar movies—after watching Up, I barely got out of the theatre alive.

Funny characters don’t have to be shallow or exaggerated to make an impression. The people in Broadcast News are grounded and complex (and hilarious). Annie and her bridesmaids in Bridesmaids might be quirky, but they are still real, layered, and gut-wrenchingly funny.

Comedy is always evolving. The most successful comedies are the ones that are informed by this genre but not bound by it. I’d like to think that really talented comedy filmmakers tell a good story that is also funny. Remember when Edward Scissorhands came out? We were like, “A shy Goth guy with hedge trimmer hands as a romantic hero? Sure, that makes total sense,” but only because of Tim Burton’s earlier reality-bending movies like Pee-wee’s Big Adventure and Beetlejuice that paved the way for it.

There’s a giddy anticipation when you watch movies like Raising Arizona or Rushmore for the first time. You’re enjoying a movie while your brain is saying, “I’ve never seen anything like this before.” That’s a rare feeling, but so exciting. I re-watched Harold and Maude recently and found out how dark and original and funny it really is. (Note for parents: Not a kid’s movie!) The first time I saw Sellers in The Pink Panther, I remember thinking, “I don’t know what’s happening but I like it.” He was pushing, oh so slightly, character boundaries in my head. Audiences like being pushed into new territory, but there’s a fine line between surprise and shock value.

The Farrelly brothers hit their stride with There’s Something About Mary after Dumb & Dumber and Kingpin—so funny. But when movies are done just to push the gross-out factor you get Freddy Got Fingered—so stupid.

Comedy is simple. What makes a great comedy? One of the things I needed in narrowing down this category was a list of criteria as a starting point. For movies to stay on my list, they had to satisfy three things:

1. It has to be funny of course, but it has to be good first. All my favorite comedies have a great story.

2. It has to stand the test of time. The Philadelphia Story (1940), The Lady Eve (1941), and Harvey (1950) are all still funny, great, and timeless.

3. It has to pioneer a style, expand the mold, or best represent a sub-genre or director. The Princess Bride and Shaun of the Dead showed us what can be done within the comedy model. Man Bites Dog and Kung Fu Hustle showed us what happens when you play with the model. Raising Arizona, Beetlejuice, and Rushmore showed us anything is possible, as long as it’s smart and funny.

Apologies ahead of time for leaving off your favorite. I left out A Christmas Story, Scrooged, and Elf because I felt they straddled themes a little, and Neil T. Weakley will talk about Pixar films in the animation chapter. I’m glad quoting Animal House got you laid, but it’s not on here, and by the time I got around to seeing Fast Times at Ridgemont High all the boys in school had quoted most if it already, so my viewing of this movie was forever tainted from hype and expectations. I’m sorry but it was. (The audience rises as one, and exits.)

For those of you still left, here are my all-time favorites.

THE TEN BEST COMEDY MOVIES:

1. Young Frankenstein (1974)

Mel Brooks assembled the best ensemble ever and took a chance with black and white and boy did it pay off. Gene Wilder and Mel Brooks created the masterpiece here. Nice. Hopping.

2. This is Spinal Tap (1984)

Parody so good it created the sub-genre mockumentary. Introduced heavy ad-libbing and improvisation into major feature films. Dumb never looked so smart.

3. Tootsie (1982)

Great cast and a story that borders on social commentary, but you’d never know it because you’re watching Dustin Hoffman in a dress. There’s nothing better than Sydney Pollack as his pitch-perfect agent.

4. Annie Hall (1977)

My favorite Woody Allen movie. It is simultaneously inventive, touching, and romantic.

5. Rushmore (1998)

Introduced a new comedy aesthetic, and allowed us to rediscover Bill Murray.

6. Raising Arizona (1987)

This is early, perfect Coen brothers. It taught us that dreamy narratives can also be ridiculously funny.

7. Airplane! (1980)

Wall to wall jokes. Even with the all the parodies that followed, this one is unimpeachable.

8. The Jerk (1979)

This marked the beginning of Steve Martin’s transition from standup to features and eventual ascent to movie star, and paved the way for other comedians.

9. Bringing Up Baby (1938)

Fast and funny, the dialogue still seems contemporary. The supreme screwball comedy.

10. South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut (1999)

Ignore the bad animation. It’s great music with a point. A few points actually.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Ghostbusters (1984)

The first big budget, comedy/fantasy/action movie. Saving the world with irreverence.

Midnight Run (1988)

Robert DeNiro does comedy way before Analyze This and Meet the Parents, and I can watch Joey Pants scream into that phone forever.

Bridesmaids (2011)

This is not a “chick” movie. This is a funny movie.

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)

Peter Sellers and George C. Scott in a Stanley Kubrick black comedy? Are you kidding me?

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1974)

Bits and skits and King Arthur. Required comedy viewing.

Planes, Trains & Automobiles (1987)

It never gets old. Equal parts good bits, great characters, and huge heart. Dylan Baker’s Owen proves that there are no small parts.

THE TEN WORST COMEDY MOVIES

1. An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn (1997)

So bad it makes you angry. You almost feel Joe Eszterhas’s creepiness smeared on every frame.

2. Freddy Got Fingered (2001)

The title is awful. It gets worse after that.

3. North (1994)

Kids shouldn’t be smarter than adults because—they’re not.

4. Leonard Part 6 (1987)

Cosby sucks Coke for money.

5. Slapstick (Of Another Kind) (1982)

Jerry Lewis in an adaptation of a Kurt Vonnegut Jr. novel. I can’t even talk about it.

6. Gigli (2003)

Let’s kidnap someone who is developmentally disabled. No, let’s not.

7. The Master of Disguise (2002)

It’s like Dana Carvey masturbating for an hour. (You’re right, how would I know?)

8. Little Nicky (2000)

I would totally watch a movie about Satan’s nicest son, but not when Sandler does that voice.

9. Ghostbusters II (1989)

Why would you do this?

10. Blues Brothers 2000 (1998)

You’re trying to ruin my childhood.

DISHONORABLE MENTIONS:

Caddyshack II (1988)

You’re

City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold (1994)

not

Weekend at Bernie’s II (1993)

The

Beverly Hills Cop II, Beverly Hills Cop III (Tie) (1987, 1994)

Godfather.

ROCKIN’ MOVIES

By Lord Carrett

I have my older sister to thank for my taste in music. I was maybe four years old when The Beatles first appeared on The Ed Sullivan Show, which our family, like most families, regularly watched. I don’t remember the hubbub prior to their appearance, but my sister’s enthrallment and my own fascination made me realize that this was something special—something entirely new and exciting.

Thanks to her, my musical tastes were always about four years older than I was, because most of the music that came into our house was filtered through her. Luckily, my sister had taste. She turned me onto Lynyrd Skynyrd and took me to my first concert: Led Zeppelin, but it all started with John, Paul, George and Ringo.

My sister liked Paul, and my favorite was Ringo and, being a well-adjusted kid, this caused her to put a pin through Ringo’s face on the cover of Beatles ‘65. I still have that record.

Beatles movies were events that my sister and I went to, and sat through, over and over. Years later they’d be shown as midnight movies. I went and re-experienced them on screens that were as big as entire theaters are now. Man, do I love rock & roll movies!

I’ve always preferred to see rock movies in an actual movie theater. Rock & rollers themselves have to seem larger than life, and it helps when they’re aided in the illusion by the magic of a large aspect ratio. In addition to attitude, pacing, and a consistent style, a successful rock movie has to have good songs—preferably from the artist’s A-List—and a healthy dose of sex doesn’t hurt either.

If a movie’s soundtrack is part of the film’s genetic code (like Pulp Fiction) rather than something tacked on as an afterthought, I consider it a Rock Movie. Failing that, I feel that they should be about, or contain, at least one legitimate rock star. The early ones were frequently slapped together to capitalize on the popularity of an artist or a style of music—which is the only reason many of the most enduring examples exist.

Capitalize isn’t a negative term when it comes to rock movies—rock & roll is capitalistic—that’s why it’s always a historic event when rock and rollers play a socialist country, even if the band is Pearl Jam. So no class distinction can be made between a cheaply produced affair like Reform School Girls and a hard-core classic like A Hard Day’s Night. And, of course, the movie has to rock like a nymphomaniac’s trailer.

Documentaries would be the easiest way to compile a listing of the best rock movies, because someone’s sifted through all the available footage of the subject to present them in the best possible light. A few made my list, because there simply isn’t a less “fish in a barrel” representation of the artist doing what makes them great.

I’ve divided the genre into: Rocksploitation, The Beatles, Rock Biopics, The Ramones, Art-Smart, Documentaries & Concert Films, and Elvis. Why? Because I played a Beatles record backward, and a walrus told me to.

Rocksploitation

I’ve got a soft spot for low-budget “quickies” that small studios rushed out to cash in on the popularity of early rock and roll. Rock was seen as a fad until The Beatles legitimized it and, all these years later, it’s fun to look back on a time when the question on everyone’s lips was: “How long do you think rock & roll will last?”

Before blogs, YouTube, and MTV, the only way to see many of the early rockers shake a tail feather was in early rocksploitation films that swept all the current singing stars into a pile and turned on a camera. You could catch Chuck Berry and Jackie Wilson elsewhere, but you had to drag your ass to the theater the week these jukebox movies were playing to see guys like Johnny Burnette, Frankie Lymon, and Ritchie Valens shake things up.

The Girl Can’t Help It is to jukebox movies what Cool Hand Luke is to prison flicks. It captures no fewer than five rock legends at the height of their powers, and torch singer Julie London sings “Cry Me a River” to boot. Shot in 1956, it contains the only color footage of legendary rock & rollers Gene Vincent and Eddie Cochran in their prime, and they each perform one of their best loved songs. Gene sings “Be-Bop-A-Lula”, and Eddie sings “Twenty Flight Rock.” Gene and Eddie’s performances would be enough to cement the film’s reputation without Little Richard cranking out three of his best songs, and Fats Domino cruising through “Blue Monday.” Don’t miss it.

It’s rumored Colonel Tom Parker demanded too much money for Elvis Presley to appear in the film, so the producers got Capitol Records’ answer to The Big E, Gene Vincent. But Gene was much more than an Elvis knock-off. Despite lacking Elvis’s deep pockets, or success, he always had an influential guitarist in the fold, and led one of the first white “show bands.” Gene’s high-energy stage show included two “clapper boys” who flanked him, clapping, shouting, and supplying backup vocals. The 80-90 seconds you see of Gene and his Blue Caps leaves you craving more.

Gene and Eddie Cochran (Liberty Records’ answer to Elvis) were best friends in real life. While touring England together in 1960, Eddie was injured in a car accident, and died in Gene’s arms, which adds an unintentional poignancy to this film. If you haven’t seen The Girl Can’t Help It, you’re living like a dog, and you don’t even know it.

The Beatles

Richard Lester directed The Beatles first feature film, A Hard Day’s Night. On The Dick Cavett Show, John Lennon said that a writer accompanied them on tour for a few days before they filmed it and “. . . wrote the whole of the film based on our characters, y’know; clodhopping Ringo, sharp John, whimsical Paul, and stern George. All those . . . the Beatle character myths were formed from three days watching us, which was a lot of junk, really.” Those caricatures were still in place in their second film, Help!, which was essentially the pilot for The Monkees’ TV series.

For Help!, Lester adds color, a James Bond spoof, the requisite mad scientist, and three trap doors, which were everywhere in 1965, but you never seem to see anymore. Somewhere around 1970, the bottom fell out of the trap door industry. Foreign cultists are after Ringo Starr to retrieve a sacred ring that was given to him by a fan but, of course, the ring is stuck on his finger. Whoever wears the ring becomes the human sacrifice in a sacred ritual. The ring doesn’t look like a wedding ring, but it sure sounds like one.

A few years later, during Let It Be, the Beatles were fragmenting, and writing and recording separately more often than not. Songs were credited to “Lennon/McCartney” due to an agreement they’d struck as teenagers, rather than any real collaboration. Paul McCartney’s idea was to recapture the energy of the band recording together, playing live, with fewer overdubs—putting a stop to sessions where only one or two Beatles were present. Filming the recording and rehearsing of the album would turn the sessions themselves into “product.”

It was a good idea, but the presence of the cameras served to magnify the tensions within the group, which are most visible during an exchange between Paul and George Harrison where “the spiritual Beatle” tells Paul: “I’ll play, you know, whatever you want me to play, or I won’t play at all if you don’t want to me to play. Whatever it is that will please you . . . I’ll do it!” Let It Be allows us to watch the preeminent rock stars of the sixties-four of the most influential and imitated people in history-struggling with the same things we all do, and in many cases failing to come to grips with them. The Beatles were always ahead of the curve but, here, they essentially foreshadowed reality television.

For many years, every movie starring a rock band fell somewhere between A Hard Day’s Night and Help! and for that reason alone, they’re both worth watching today.

Rock Biopics

The Runaways, along with The Ramones and The New York Dolls, are universally accepted to have been influential and ahead of their time, and they were. The Runaways were fifteen and sixteen years old when they combined Suzi Quatro’s leather, The New York Dolls’ glam, and Iggy Pop’s Prince of The Punks attitude into one perfect, practically prepubescent package.

A lot of people didn’t care for the movie The Runaways, with Kristen Stewart playing rhythm guitarist Joan Jett. In Stewart, heterosexual males finally have a Joan Jett that we have a shot at! In the words of Stan Ridgway, anyone who doesn’t like this flick “can bark my hole.”

My one complaint is that a person with no prior knowledge of The Runaways might miss lead guitarist Lita Ford’s contribution entirely watching the film. Leaving Lita in the background is the biggest “bugger-off” since both (The Cricket’s producer) Norman Petty, and an entire “Cricket” were left out of The Buddy Holly Story.

I get the feeling Lita would have been similarly excised from this film, were it humanly possible. The epilogue tells us Joan’s solo record was turned down by twenty-three major labels, but no indication is given that Lita ever recorded again—which may be the only known incidence of Joan Jett ever not being cool. It’s hard to justify ignoring the career highlights of the band’s second most successful member, while giving details of the less impressive careers of the singer and the drummer.

The truth is that Lita Ford gave Jett a run for her money when The Runaways first broke up. In the early days of MTV, Lita hit #8 on the charts with “Close My Eyes Forever,” her duet with Ozzy Osborne—in which he delivers one of greatest single entendres in history: “Heaven is in the palm of my hand, and it’s waiting here for you.” Leaving Lita off the epilogue says basically the same thing; “I’ve got your career . . . right here.”

While we’re on the subject, despite its inaccuracies, it’s hard to discount the enthusiasm The Buddy Holly Story has for its subject. Before he was typecast as a real life loony, and movie heavy, Gary Busey captured the Texas teen’s spirit, determination, and polite confidence. A failed musician himself, Busey re-recorded all of the soundtrack’s songs credibly, which had to help him step into Buddy’s skin. Like American Graffiti and the similarly effective La Bamba (The Ritchie Valens story) the slightly “sanitized for your protection” approach of The Buddy Holly Story captures the innocence of an era, contains a solid supporting cast, and engages you from the first frames.

The Ramones

Roger Corman’s Rock ‘n’ Roll High School is one of the all-time best rock & roll movies. Corman is known for shooting films on a shoestring budget, for never losing money on a film, and for giving some of the best filmmakers their start. The list includes Ron Howard, Francis Ford Coppola, James Cameron, Martin Scorsese, and Peter Bogdonovich. Along the way, he was behind some cult, and legitimate, classics.

The main reason to see Rock ‘n’ Roll High School is that it’s the only non-documentary film to feature The Ramones, who were more influential than any band this side of The Beatles. They designed the blueprint for punk rock: Short songs with no guitar solos, and a sound that was as stripped down as their stage patter—which amounted to their bassist counting off: “One, two, three, four!”

The Ramones hold the whole thing together, but they weren’t anyone’s first choice to play the band in the film. Todd Rundgren, Cheap Trick, Devo and (a then unknown) Van Halen were all considered first, but The Ramones were known for working quickly and cheaply, so they spoke Corman’s language. They recorded their first album in a few days for just over $6,000 and they were already in Los Angeles working on an album with legendary producer/future jailbird Phil Spector. The movie wouldn’t be revered today if any other band had gotten the gig.

Sometimes I think underexposure is its own reward. The Ramones output is so limited that the movie is such a treasure. Like James Dean, they should have left a bigger mark on the silver screen—a long, greasy mark. It’s their original, clearly defined concept of what rock & roll is that informs the film.

Art-Smart

“Rock” has always had a connection to art and image. John Lennon, Keith Richards, David Bowie, and Talking Heads all had their roots in art school. So, many films like The Man Who Fell to Earth starred a rock & roller and played the art card.

Filming The Man Who Fell to Earth occurred between David Bowie’s Young Americans and Station To Station albums—a period where he reportedly struggled with cocaine-fueled paranoia. Bowie’s title character “Mr. Newton,” is in ill health throughout the film, so alleged cocaine addiction doubles handily as method acting. You can almost hear him say, “I’ll quit, as soon as I’m done with this film.”

Owing a debt to 1951’s The Day the Earth Stood Still, The Man Who Fell to Earth illustrates how man’s suspicious, greedy nature won’t allow him to let the most harmless extraterrestrial go unmolested. Man’s inhumanity to spacemen was handled more capably in both Starman and E.T., but this film has value for fans of atmospheric sci-fi, artsy cinematography, or Bowie. I’m a big fan of movies that remind us how fearful, mistrusting, greedy, and treacherous we are as a race—otherwise, I start thinking that it’s just me.

The cast is superb: David Bowie, Rip Torn, Buck Henry, and Candy Clark. Buck Henry wears almost comically thick glasses as the patent lawyer Mr. Newton hires to protect his lucrative inventions. With brown hair, Clark looks like an entirely different woman than we remember from American Graffiti. She’s almost a “familiar” to Bowie’s anti-social “vampire” and brings him whatever he requires . . . the seven televisions he watches simultaneously, for instance. Before long, he’s an alcoholic, watching twelve TVs at once and listening to music as well. What is he, an extraterrestrial or a teenager?

Candy Clark was romantically involved with director Nicolas Roeg during the period the film was made. Why don’t any of my paramours have industry connections? The closest I’ve come was a dalliance with a comedy club cocktail waitress who then offered me a free item off the menu.

The Man Who Fell to Earth is an excellent film visually and aurally, but the narrative stumbles in the way films by ambitious directors like Kubrick, Lynch, and Roeg sometimes do. Kubrick, Lynch, and Roeg sounds like some surreal law firm: “Your honor, we’re suing to recover our tank of homicidal laughing gas, our alien contact lenses, and our monolith.” It’s the kind of film you’d expect from a cinematographer-turned-director—a series of inventive album covers at heart, but who doesn’t like album cover art?

Documentaries & Concert Films

Martin Scorsese directed two of the best documentaries/concert films; The Last Waltz and Shine A Light. Jonathan Demme’s Stop Making Sense gets an honorable mention, but Talking Heads’s lack of a cohesive band persona costs it points.

It’s also easy to enjoy It Might Get Loud, in which Led Zeppelin’s Jimmy Page, The White Stripes’ Jack White, and U2’s The Edge jam together, and discuss what they love about guitars. Jack White hammers one together onscreen in the opening minutes of the film. It serves to demystify the instrument—which the film spends the next ninety minutes re-mystifying.

There are a multitude of documentaries about The Beatles that are worth seeing—The Anthology series, for example—but George Harrison: Living In The Material World deserves a mention as it reveals how vital George was in the dynamic between Paul and John, and how The Beatles really were the sum of their parts. It’s another Scorsese film, but I swear I’m not long-stroking the guy—he simply makes the highest-quality documentaries about most-influential rock & rollers! Also noteworthy is the doc on George’s bandmate Bob Dylan: Don’t Look Back. It’s Dylan chillin’ in England at the height of his (and The Beatles) early fame circa 1965. Fascinating.

Elvis

It was said that you could have just numbered Elvis’s movies instead of giving them titles and they would’ve still made money. Forget Elvis’ barely scripted movies. Check out Elvis: That’s The Way It Is. Elvis was 35-years-old when the film was released, but he’s slender and looks ten years younger. It’s hard to believe he was dead just seven years later.

I remember seeing That’s the Way It Is at a drive-in when I was nine. Forget that the three-inch, tinny drive-in speakers were possibly the worst vehicle for music since the wire recorder; it was all about seeing an already larger-than-life figure thirty feet tall. It was a documentary worth hiding in the trunk of a car for.

Onscreen, Presley continually goofs around with the band, the back-up singers, and his “Memphis Mafia.” When The Big E gets shocked by an ungrounded microphone, he shouts, “Son of a BITCH!” but quickly recovers his playful persona, and happily goes back to rehearsal. One gets the feeling that things would have been different if the cameras weren’t rolling. After all, this is a man who used to shoot televisions when Robert Goulet came onscreen. Elvis is practiced at pretending there isn’t a grand piano-sized movie camera pointed at him, but his musicians, hangers-on, and keepers are woefully inept at it. Speaking of keepers, Elvis’ longtime manager, Colonel Tom Parker, is nowhere to be found. You’d think a guy who’s taking a 50 percent commission would at least make an appearance!

Elvis’s stage show is overblown (I should be so lucky!) and at times beyond schmaltzy, but there’s no denying that his powerful presence transcends the surroundings and material, and that’s hard to do in a white rhinestone jumpsuit. Elvis was so big, and so successful, that he couldn’t afford to take himself seriously—the world already had one Frank Sinatra. Only Dean Martin could match Elvis for tomfoolery during his performances. It’s been said that every rock star wants to be a comedian, and every comedian wants to be a rock star, but Elvis has a better sense of humor than most. When several microphones he’s been handed cut out on him, he grabs a bouquet of microphones and goes back into the song where he left off. Presley giggles his way through his version of B.J. Thomas’ latest record, and even takes out a cheat sheet to keep from forgetting the lyrics. One of the most adored performers in musical history, he never got credit for inventing alternative comedy. Clearly, the man was cheated out of the fame he so richly deserved.

Having Presley cover your current release has got to be like living the famous scene from Animal House: “Mind if we dance wif yo’ dates?” Elvis makes a circle through the audience, wraps things up with two of his best songs, and the curtain comes down. Long live The King.

As long as there are movies and rock & roll, the two will be entwined like high school sweethearts. Like peanut butter and chocolate, or lust and remorse. To make a list of the ten best and the ten worst rock movies requires a special kind of arrogance, but luckily, it’s the kind of arrogance I have in spades.

THE TEN BEST ROCKIN’ MOVIES

1. The Girl Can’t Help It (1956)

The Sweet Baby Jesus himself couldn’t create a better rock & roll movie. It looks great and it has a fun plot, a hot blonde, and some of the best rockers ever, performing their best songs, in Technicolor.

2. A Hard Day’s Night (1964)

I love it, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

3. American Graffiti (1973)

Candy Clark was never better, and neither was Ron Howard, Cindy Williams, or Wolfman Jack. The soundtrack album got me through the disco era with my sanity intact.

4. Pulp Fiction (1994) /Animal House (1978) (a tie)

Pulp Fiction and Animal House are rock movies in disguise. Thank you sir, may I have another?

5. Rock ‘n’ Roll High School (1979)

What do exploding mice have to do with rock & roll music? If you have to ask, you’ll never know.

6. The Last Waltz (1978)

Martin Scorsese’s near perfect documentary shines a light on The Band’s farewell performance, featuring an incredible stream of superstar guests (including Bob Dylan, Neil Young, Van Morrison). Only The Who’s Tommy can touch it for the sheer number of musical heavyweights. Scorsese and The Band’s leader, Robbie Robertson, were allegedly cocaine-fueled Hollywood flatmates, and his familiarity with his subject fuels this film—widely considered one of the best concert films ever.

7. Bob Dylan: No Direction Home (2005)

I know, I know . . . another Scorsese film, but I swear this chapter isn’t a love letter to Scorsese—the guy simply constructs the most thoughtful and well executed films about influential rock & rollers. But if there’s a character in his next film that’s a nightclub comic . . .

8. Walk the Line (2005)

Sometimes everything lines up in a film. Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon not only capture the essence of Johnny and June Carter Cash, but drive home why we loved them together—because they loved being together.

9. The Filth and the Fury (2000)

Music video director turned film director Julien Temple gets everything right. The Sex Pistols are hard to beat—only The Beatles and The Ramones are more influential, and neither of them were ever better represented than The Pistols are in this compelling documentary.

10. This Is Spinal Tap (1984) /Anvil! The Story of Anvil (2008) (a tie)

Spinal Tap is one of the most quoted movies of all time, and deservedly so. Every group from Jethro Tull to good bands believes that it’s based on them. It’s funny because it’s true. Same goes for Anvil! The Story of Anvil, which is also pretty touching.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

The Buddy Holly Story (1978)

This retelling of Buddy Holly’s life pissed off one-time Cricket Sonny Curtis so much that he wrote the song “The Real Buddy Holly Story.” Like American Graffiti, it contains the always enjoyable Charles Martin Smith. Get your facts elsewhere and have 114 minutes of fun!

Pink Floyd The Wall (1982)

This was the last time Sir Bob Geldof was cool.

Blue Velvet (1986)

There are few creepier scenes than Dean Stockwell lip synching Roy Orbison’s “In Dreams” into a mechanic’s work light.

Who Is Harry Nilsson (And Why Is Everybody Talkin’ About Him?) (2010)

This documentary tells the story of an angelic voiced upstart who grew up in a New York City slum and wound up part of rock royalty. John Lennon and The Beatles were among Harry Nilsson’s drinking buddies and biggest fans. Ringo was the best man at Harry’s wedding and Lennon and Nilsson were famously thrown out of L.A.’s Troubadour for heckling The Smothers Brothers. But left out of the film is the fact that both Mama Cass Elliott and Keith Moon died in Harry’s London flat four years apart—and in the same bed! And you thought you needed a new mattress.

Hustle & Flow (2005)/Purple Rain (1984)/Reform School Girls (1986) (A three-way tie)

Hustle & Flow has incredible heart, catchy raps, and Terrence Howard is ten times more convincing as a pimp-turned-recording artist than he was as a Lt. Colonel in Iron Man. Purple Rain on the other hand is so bad that it’s tremendous, with an infectious soundtrack that was virtually inescapable when it came out—the musical equivalent of being stalked by Scarlett Johansson. Reform School Girls is a parody of women-in-prison movies that delivers what it promises—lots of naughty girls in reform school. It’s a good thing the “girls” are twenty-something starlets playing teenagers, because they’re very clean reform school girls. Otherwise, the shower scenes would be creepy.

THE TEN WORST ROCKIN’ MOVIES

1. Woodstock (1970)

Despite being edited by Martin Scorsese, I’ve never make it through the whole film, and I’ve seen all of Earth Girls Are Easy.

2. Earth Girls Are Easy (1988)

80’s music and fashion that makes A Flock of Seagulls seem timeless. I ran.

3. Dig! (2004)

Vacuous Ashton Kutcher-looking rock stars and sociopathic drug addicts in a film that makes you squirm.

4. Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (2007)

You don’t get to mock The Man in Black. Ever.

5. Madonna: Truth or Dare (1991)

Warren Beatty at his most pussy-whipped.

6. Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (1978)

Even the legendary Steve Martin’s silly version of “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer” can’t pull this one out of the crapper.

7. Under the Cherry Moon (1986)

Prince proves that Purple Rain was a funky fluke.

8. Graffiti Bridge (1990)

Prince proves that Purple Rain was a funky fluke. Again.

9. Xanadu (1980)

Despite the fact it stars Bruce Jenner. The only upside to a blow to the head is that you could conceivably forget everything about this movie. I was never so lucky.

10. KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park (1978)

This movie managed to disappoint people who had zero expectations. Also, all four members of KISS hate the movie. So if you see any of them, don’t mention it.

ANIMATION

By Neil T. Weakley

I’m a grown man and I love animated films. No, no, not cartoons. Well, OK, I like them, too, but I’m talking about feature length films here. I don’t care what people say, they are just as capable of being interesting, compelling, and immensely entertaining as any live action film.

I suppose it was a natural progression from loving cartoons so much. I was a Saturday morning ‘toon junkie as a kid in the 70’s. I’d get up in the morning to watch all the Hanna-Barbara stuff like Penelope Pitstop, Dastardly and Mutley, Scooby Doo, and the Jetsons. And who could forget Speed Buggy, El Kabong, and Hong Kong Phooey? So many guitars destroyed. And of course I lived for all the Bugs Bunny/Road Runner Hour I could get. To this day, when I hear someone yell “Wabbit Season!” I can barely contain myself. Not that I hear people yelling that too often . . . OK, maybe I’m the one that does that. Don’t you judge me.

But TV ‘toons aside, when it came to feature films, Disney had the market cornered. However, eventually, other companies were out to prove they could do the same thing, with limited success. I mean, how many times can you watch Fantastic Planet or Return to Oz (1964) before needing something new? Once, actually, but when you’re a kid, you’re not exactly nitpicking quality. You’re happy if the TV is on and the chocolate milk isn’t Ovaltine.

Fantasia was the first animated feature I saw in a theater. It was 1977 during one of the re-releases they seemed to do every few years or so. Of course, my favorite part was the stuff with the dinosaurs, because I loved anything dinosaurs and monsters. After watching cartoons on Saturday morning, they played a monster movie at 1 pm. If it was a Godzilla movie, forget trying to get me away from the TV. Playing outside be damned. A guy in a rubber suit battling with another guy in a rubber suit was all the escapism I needed.

I was, as so many kids are, from a family with divorced parents. Perhaps I used animated movies to escape reality. Cartoon characters in those films were about as far from reality as you could get. Fantasia opened my eyes to a whole new world of escaping life’s pressures. Dancing alligators and hippos? That’s way better than family stress or school or even just a rainy day. You could do anything in animation, and that’s a part of what I still love about it now. Animation lets you defy the laws of physics. It lets you use a camera in ways not possible in real life. There are no boundaries in animation, except for one’s imagination.

And now there’s surely a nostalgia factor, too. Yes, I’m old enough to be nostalgic. Shut up. Animated films take us back to when we had no responsibility in life. Throwing on The Jungle Book is great fun. An orangutan wants to be like me? You got it, pal. I’ll just swing from the trees and hang out. You go to my lame job. Best deal ever. Of course, the irony is that The Jungle Book ultimately tells us that we have to go to where we belong. Stupid life messages. But it does also prove an interesting point: Animated films need not just be for silly, fun child’s play.

In college, being an art student, I soaked up a lot of cult and independent films. I discovered not just mainstream films like The Secret of NIMH, but the films of Ralph Bakshi. I’d heard of this Fritz the Cat movie because it was supposed to be this hilarious, groundbreaking film for its time. When I saw it, I have to say I was, well, unimpressed. I didn’t see what all the hub-bub was about. I can understand the significance of it, sure, but just because it broke new ground for subject matter in an animated film doesn’t necessarily mean it was all that entertaining. It doesn’t really hold up well. A cat exploring hedonistic ways in 1960’s New York is already dated twenty years later, let alone now. Stoner cat gets laid and talks politics. OK, clearly new ground for an animated film, but just not as much fun as it sounds. Disappointed by an animated stoner cat. What a world . . .

But one film that is still entertaining to me is Heavy Metal. Granted, there’s also some dated material in it, but it does apply to more my generation. Heavy Metal was awesome. A sci-fi fantasy with an amazing soundtrack full of music I was into at the time. And John Candy did some of the voice along with Eugene Levy and Harold Ramis! Much to my dismay, it was rated R and I was only sixteen when it came out so I couldn’t see it in the theater. I couldn’t convince a parent or legal guardian to take me. I had to wait until video. Yes, back in the old days when there were videos to rent. I was way into sci-fi and the like, so as soon as I could see it, I did. And man, this movie had it all; everything an 18-year-old nerd could ask for. Well, nerd by today’s definition, not the 80’s definition. I liked nerdy things, but no pocket protector for me. No sir. In fact, it was cool to like Heavy Metal because it had sci-fi violence, and nudity (woo hoo!), so that made me feel cool, too. Fritz the Cat and Heavy Metal definitely rely on the context of their time, but I think Heavy Metal holds up better. But let’s not talk about the so-called sequel. Not ever. Fritz the Cat had a sequel, too, and no one talks about that either, and for good reason.

When I discovered The Secret of NIMH at age eighteen I was almost a little embarrassed. Why would a teenager be into this? It seemed like a kid’s movie, but it had enough serious and darker, mystical elements to draw me in. It’s still director Don Bluth’s best feature by far, in my opinion. Later successes include the really popular The Land Before Time. You can tell by the twelve sequels it spawned. Yes, I said TWELVE. Somebody is making a fortune on those, but not Don Bluth. Seems he had nothing to do with them. Good for him. Or not, depending on whether you’re in his will. I saw All Dogs Go to Heaven, and though it seemed strange to pair Burt Reynolds and Dom Deluise in a kid’s film, it worked out just fine for Bluth. Incidentally, I worked for a video distribution company at that time and somehow drew the short straw. I had to spend a horribly hot and humid week in July in a Charlie Barkin costume during the video release. For that Burt Reynolds owes me money.

We all know Disney was the benchmark for years when it came to animated films, but even the masters at Disney have had a few flops. Robin Hood is kind of wonderful in its badness. It has the worst freeform jazz/rock fusion soundtrack ever. It makes me want to kill myself. And they even reuse sequences from other Disney movies, just with different characters drawn in. Way to cheat your fans, Disney.

For those of you that don’t care about historical accuracy in the slightest, perhaps you’d like to waste some time watching Pocahontas. It is easily the most egregious disregard for historical fact ever. Hey, I said I enjoyed the escapism, but not if you’re basing it on real events. Make up your own history, stop rewriting ours. I could also make an Avatar/Pocahontas comparison here, but like Chris Mancini, I’ll let Dave Anthony take care of Avatar later in the book.

And don’t get me started on The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Singing gargoyles? OK, the message about internal beauty and acceptance is a good one, I’ll give you that, but couldn’t you have picked a different movie to bastardize? Adding silly songs in a film about tortured love just doesn’t work for me. Why not just animate The Bridges of Madison County? And what’s with the character Scar in The Lion King? Isn’t he just a rehash of Shere Khan from Jungle Book? C’mon, who’s with me here? Fine. You may have your love of The Lion King, but that means you have to let me love The Rescuers Down Under. I remember being kind of blown away by this film. They used some computer animation to do the flying sequences and, at the time, it was breathtaking. Frankly, it still is. I really love that movie. It has George C. Scott as the antagonist—with a lizard henchman! What’s not to love?

For the record, any Disney film that is a direct-to-DVD sequel to any of their classics simply doesn’t exist to me. They are of lesser quality in every respect. I realize that little kids don’t necessarily see the difference, but we as adults should. How low are you willing to go to entertain your kids? There is plenty of original animated fare these days so that you don’t have to put them through Disney’s blatant attempt to take your money in exchange for inferior goods. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Can we call a film with a mixture of animation and live action an animated film? Well, I’m going to. Mostly because I love Who Framed Roger Rabbit. I was giddy to see the likes of Mickey Mouse share screen time with Bugs Bunny, and the combining of the “real” world and a ‘toon world was a secret dream come true. How many times have you wanted to just pull an oversized mallet out of your pocket and smash someone on the head with it? Never? Liar. I can think of countless moments where a big red button that opened a trap door in the floor would have brought me great joy. An Acme Portable Hole? You know you want one.

Another great example is the movie MirrorMask. Long time comic book artist Dave McKean, who has worked often with writer Neil Gaiman, does so again on this Alice in Wonderland type tale of a girl that must enter a unique world to find the MirrorMask. It is a visually beautiful film full of McKean’s singular artistic style. Granted, it isn’t an incredible story; not exactly complex or revolutionary, but the unique look alone is worth the watching for those who haven’t yet.

Animation has come a long way. You hardly ever see traditionally drawn animation any more. With Pixar’s Toy Story, everything changed, but not in a bad way. You can get all the artistic creativity and expression out of a computer animated character as you can a hand drawn one. Like any kind of film, it’s the story and characters that will have the impact. Pixar knows this and makes great films. Well, except Cars and Cars 2 of course. Anthropomorphizing cars just didn’t do it for me. And then you add Larry the Cable Guy?! And . . . I’m out. For my money, you want Toy Story, Finding Nemo, or Monsters, Inc. Oh, and The Incredibles! I love that movie with its a little more mature themes and cool superhero action. And how do you not love Up? It’s a true dramedy (what lazy person coined that word?) for sure, and easily as effective as any live action films of its kind. Even A Bug’s Life, despite a familiar plot, (Seven Samurai, believe it or not) had such wonderful characters that you couldn’t possibly dislike it. And if you did, you’re wrong.

But even in the midst of all these new CG animated films, one movie—one of my favorite movies, animated or otherwise—was made in a more traditional style, and that is The Iron Giant. Talk about appealing to the young boy in me. Here is a story of a boy who befriends a giant robot from space. If you watched Ultraman and Johnny Sokko as a kid, this will be right up your alley, minus the bad dubbing. It’s set in a 1950’s time period, so it’s a great throwback to classic sci-fi movies. My love of science fiction alone compels me to recommend it. I like it so much I bought the DVD before I had a DVD player. Maybe not fiscally responsible, but passion doesn’t know how to count. Unfortunately the film got so little marketing from Warner Brothers, it simply didn’t get the theatrical release it deserved. But if you haven’t seen it, do!

I also grew up watching Japanese imports like Speed Racer, Astro Boy, and Kimba the White Lion. Eventually I saw some of the Japanese anime feature films. I suspect you probably know about Akira. This was the first step past things like Robotech and Gunship Yamato (StarBlazers in the U.S.) that I saw. My first time seeing Akira was a copy on VHS I bought from a comic book convention and EVERYONE was talking about it. It looked incredible. I’d never seen anything quite like it before and I couldn’t wait to get it home. It was a cool story: A secret government project threatens to destroy Neo-Tokyo when it turns a biker gang leader into a powerful psionic psychopath and only a couple kids and a group of other psionics can save him. Sounds awesome, right? So imagine my disappointment when the movie starts, and it’s all in Japanese. Foiled by the delay of commercial sales of anime in the U.S.! It was around 1988 and anime hadn’t quite exploded here yet. Eventually I got to see an English subtitled version, but oh, the agonizing hours of viewing that film and trying to decipher what the hell was going on. If you’ve seen it, you can imagine how hard that would be. Luckily, it totally lived up to expectations when I saw the subtitled version, and the level of animation at the time was eye-popping. It was total eye candy with substance.

This can also be said of Vampire Hunter D. I love this because it’s a mix of Gothic horror and dystopian post-apocalyptic science fiction with a Western motif. Say that ten times real fast. But it actually did so successfully, which is even harder than saying it. Another anime classic is Ninja Scroll. It’s a classic story of a ninja that must face a group of minions in battle before he can free his enslaved land. The Japanese are superb at creating mood and kinetic, fluid motion in their animation.

Then came along Studio Ghibli (no, it’s not drunken gibberish). They make incredible animated films. I don’t think I was really fully aware of Ghibli until about the mid 1990’s. Movies like My Neighbor Totoro and Princess Mononoke were my introduction. Princess Mononoke was one of the first that really used professional known American actors. That totally raised the bar to make these movies more accessible to the U.S. No more were they relegated to those borderline insane character vocals of Speed Racer. My god, talk about over the top melodrama. Every time Pops said something it was like Chim-Chim was squeezing his balls. Speed would exclaim “AH!” a lot. The script notes for these must have just said “yell this” or “exclamation.” It’s like everyone was on crack. So, finally, these films got the dramatic treatment they deserved. And when Spirited Away came out, well, I was mesmerized. I love the mythical nature of the story and the imagery is beautiful. It’s no wonder it won Best Animated Feature Oscar that year. How cool is it that there’s an Oscar category for animation now? It was way overdue for the Academy to recognize animated films as a standalone genre. I love it when the Academy does something right. Hiring hosts, not so much.

Did you have to read the book Watership Down in school? I had to for an English class back in 1979 or something. It was a fairly daunting book. By a 14 or 15-year-old’s standards it may as well have been War and Peace, but I found it engrossing and full of complexities and drama. About that same year, the film version came out. This might be the first time I was consciously aware of comparing a film to the book upon which it was based. It was pretty intense stuff. Who knew a story about a bunch of rabbits trying to find a new home could be so complex—and violent? It’s kind of like Game of Thrones with fluffy bunnies. It made enough of an impression on me that a few years later, in college, I would look for another film I’d heard about by the same author, Richard Adams, and the same director, Martin Rosen, called The Plague Dogs. This is no kid’s movie. Well, unless you’re into spending endless hours trying to stop your kids from sobbing uncontrollably. You’d think the story of two dog pals journeying across the English countryside would be fun, animated family fare, right? Perhaps Disney’s The Incredible Journey? Well, add animal testing and cruelty and it’s more like Rob Zombie Presents: The Incredible Journey. No, this is not for the wee ones, but it is a wonderful dramatic film about these two dogs and their harrowing search for freedom and a home. Add the A-List voice talents of John Hurt and Nigel Hawthorne and you’ve got a classic. Just have tissues nearby. My only complaint is that the sound production is a little muddy, even on DVD. I keep hoping for a re-mastered version on Bluray. I’m not holding my breath.

You want something you know your kids might like? Get some Wallace and Gromit! Nick Park created and directs these amazing stop-motion clay animated series for the BBC England. Wallace, a regular English bloke that tinkers with inventions, and his dog Gromit oft get into some sort of predicament and usually find their way out with the un-credited wit and quick thinking of Gromit. Well, in between his eye-rolling, anyway. Full of British humor and wonderfully elaborate miniature sets, these animated shorts are always entertaining and are great for most ages. They only have one feature film, Wallace and Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit, but all their films are on my list of worthy viewing.

No discussion of animated films is complete without one of my all-time favorites, The Nightmare Before Christmas. Oh, Tim Burton . . . (wistful sigh). He and Henry Selick made a masterpiece here. How could I not love a movie about Halloween, my favorite holiday? And to include Christmas? It’s the holiday movie you can watch from October to January. Genius! It’s so wonderfully macabre and fun. I love scary with a smile.

There are so many amazing, beautiful, intelligent, dramatic, and funny animated films to be found these days. I love that now there are almost as many animated films produced each year as live-action ones, and they have come to garner the respect of even the Motion Picture Academy. This is a coup. I like to think perhaps someone at the Academy heard my thoughts to make that happen. If so, I’ve got a few other ideas they should consider. Like an animated version of Doctor Zhivago, but that’s another chapter.

Sometimes animated films offer some kind of connection to my youth, a form of unique escapism, but they can also offer as deep and rewarding a message as any film. I know a couple people that just won’t watch anything animated because they think they’re just for kids. They have no idea how wrong they are. If I could just get them to watch Up. That’s a good place to start. But hey, their loss. You can’t force enlightenment on someone. They have to want it. It takes a big person to admit that animated films can be as worthy of our attention as any live action film. Or maybe it takes a big person with a little kid inside. Be one of those.

THE TEN BEST ANIMATED MOVIES

1. The Iron Giant (1999)

Boy meets space robot. Using traditional animation, retro charm and great cast, The Iron Giant saves our day.

2. The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)

The best macabre, cross-holiday film. Tim Burton, Danny Elfman, and Henry Selick make animated celluloid perfection.

3. Spirited Away (2001)

A rich Japanese fairy tale you should really see.

4. The Jungle Book (1967)

So much fun. This film introduced me to jazz/big band music, and Louis Prima.

5. Up (2009)

Excellent proof that animated films can be moving even to adults.

6. The Incredibles (2004)

I love the more action oriented story. And it’s about super heroes!

7. Akira (1988)

This really jumpstarted my love of contemporary anime.

8. Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)

Classic ‘toons interacting with the real world? Sweet!

9. The Secret of NIMH (1982)

A little dark and mystical animated film with a story that sucked me in.

10. The Rescuers Down Under (1990)

A Disney movie you don’t hear much about, but is still among my favorites.

11. The Plague Dogs (1982)

Sorry. I’m picking eleven. This story is so dramatic and the end so moving, I have to add it to the list. Sue me.

THE TEN WORST ANIMATED MOVIES

1. Eight Crazy Nights (2002)

Sorry, most of what Adam Sandler does is difficult to watch. Or worse. This is worse.

2. Pocahontas (1995)

Yeah, Disney takes the cake here for bastardizing history to the extreme. I’d rather sleep in a blanket filled with Smallpox.

3. Home on the Range (2004)

Something about cows and Rosanne Barr. That’s all you need to know.

4. The Pagemaster (1994)

Macauley Culkin talks to a bunch of animated books in order to get out of a library during a storm. Time for a nap.

5. A Troll in Central Park (1994)

Don Bluth blows it with a story about a troll with a green thumb. Next!

6. The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996)

Singing gargoyles? How this made so much money is beyond me.

7. Robin Hood (1973)

I’m sorry, but its music pains me. Even the suave main character can’t save this film full of rehashed scenes from previous Disney films.

8. Tom and Jerry: The Movie (1992)

Tom and Jerry talk. And are friends. If you are not appalled by this, don’t talk to me.

9. We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story (1993)

This movie doesn’t even make sense. Something about dinosaurs being fed some cereal that makes them smart and nice. Then they travel to the 20th Century to grant wishes to kids? WHAT!? I’m sure there must be a great drinking game in there somewhere, though.

10. Pokemon 1, 2, 3, etc. (1998, 1999, 2000)

Who needs a story when you have a wonderful infomercial for video games and toys? The only thing missing is Ronald McDonald fighting crime.

DISHONORABLE MENTIONS:

Any Disney animated sequel to a classic. Bambi II? Really? Check out Bambi Meets Godzilla instead. I’m sure it’s on YouTube.

ACTION AND
ADVENTURE

By Chris Mancini

There’s no dancing around this. Sometimes, I just like seeing something blow up or watching a deadbeat with a bandana get what’s coming to him. Yeah, take that, hired mercenary for a drug lord. Hope you like your hot lead extra spicy. When I watch an action movie I want to feel the adrenaline. I want to feel my own blood surge when John McClane finally gets a machine gun in Die Hard. When Indiana Jones runs away from a giant boulder I am so there that I whisper “hurry up!”

There is a big difference between action heroes and superheroes. Action heroes don’t have super powers. That’s the point. Sure, they’re in great shape, but they are just ordinary dudes or ladies that can kick some serious ass. This was taken to the extreme in Predator where there were glistening, bulging muscles in every shot. It was like a pro wrestling locker room. I wouldn’t be surprised if craft services had a plate of steroid brownies on that shoot. But even then, no one had superpowers. Dudes got wasted, and even Schwarzenegger gets hurt. They were still just people. People that worked out 23 hours a day.

What I always love about action movies is that they often (not always) leave moral ambiguity at the door. Partner or spouse killed by drug dealers. Inciting incident over, and now the bullet train is leaving the station. We can revel in the destruction without any pesky moral judgments. These are brutal dictators, drug lords, and spies bent on world conquest. Take ‘em down!

In a weird way, action movies are like Bugs Bunny cartoons. Maybe I’m the only one who notices this, but ultimately our action heroes, or our animated rabbit, need to be provoked before they can go all Looney Tunes on the bad guys. Bugs is sleeping peacefully and Elmer Fudd keeps trying to shoot him. Who wouldn’t want to see our rabbit go all Rambo and teach these maroons a lesson?

In other words, action movies take out the grey and leave us with black and white. Good guys, bad guys, fast cars, hot chicks, speedboats, helicopters, spy watches with lasers, justifiable revenge, lots and lots of bullets, and one heaping helping of kickassery. Even the build-up I love. Like in Commando when Arnold Schwarzenegger puts on all his camouflage face paint . . . to attack a house . . . and then finally have a showdown with a villain dressed like Freddie Mercury. But I’m there. Some hipsters argue that these movies can only be enjoyed ironically. Bullshit. Whether you are enjoying an ass-kicking ironically or not, you are still enjoying the ass-kicking. That’s the point. So suck it, hipster. I’d like to see what John Rambo would do to that ski cap you’re wearing in the middle of summer in Los Angeles.

I can’t talk about action movies and not mention James Bond. The spy is the ultimate action hero, and I’m not talking about George Lazenby. The James Bond movies really run the gamut of great to awful, and some of the early gadgets can now be replaced with iPhone apps so some things don’t really hold up as well. But the “cool” does. Being a well dressed spy who knows how to play cards and impress the ladies? That never goes out of style. Quantum of Solace and Casino Royale have been decent attempts to revive the franchise, but what we really need are bolder directors with new vision to take a shot at 007. Sam Raimi, Joe Carnahan, or Quentin Tarantino would be obvious choices. NOT McG. Never suggest McG for anything. I’m serious.

Adventure movies, which are kind of a subset of action movies, are becoming a lost art form, unfortunately, and even the ones we get now are homages to the old 1930’s film serials, like Raiders of the Lost Ark. We need more movies like The Rundown, where The Rock goes to an exotic location to kick some ass. It wasn’t a great movie, but its heart was in the right place. Adventure movies are awesome. There is nothing I like better than seeing a character in some mundane setting, like being an archeology professor at a college, who must suit up and fight Nazis in a jungle or on a submarine. That is freaking cool.

It tickles our adventure/mythology bone when Indiana Jones, Allan Quatermain, or even the Goonies leave everyday life and search for lost treasure. Don’t we all want to do that? Who wouldn’t want to stop replying to coworkers’ stupid meeting requests and instead strap on a bullwhip and go into the jungle to fight their way through a tribe of carnivorous apes to find some mystical object made of gold and jewels? To give to a museum, of course.

For so few adventure movies to be made, what makes it worse is that we have Indiana Jones knockoffs like Romancing the Stone. Not horrible, but there is a whole world out there full of ancient pyramids, dark jungles, and crumbling ruins. Show me the adventure. The first Mummy movie got really close. Cool, fun characters, ancient pyramids, secret societies . . . mummies . . . etc., but it got a bit weighted down by too much CGI. Adventure is pretty cool on its own. You don’t always need your heroes fighting a computer graphic. The worst example would be the Tomb Raider movies. It would have taken a large amount of incompetence to screw up a hot chick kicking ass while searching for lost treasure. Sadly, that’s exactly what happened. Somehow lost pyramids, ancient curses, and push up bras became boring. At least one of those things should have remained interesting.

The thing I love about action and adventure movies is that they have one thing in common: Motion. Everything is moving. From cars to bullets to fists. The screen has to sparkle with kinetic energy or it’s not an action movie. I want to see Cobra mete out some high fisted knuckle justice. If I want to hear Sylvester Stallone talk I’ll put peanut butter on his mouth.

But we can’t forget about vehicles. Fast men and woman, sure, but what about fast cars? The Fast and the Furious movies are action movies on wheels, and do some things right and some things horribly wrong. Like why is Vin Diesel always mumbling? He’s not voicing the Iron Giant anymore. And why is Paul Walker famous, again? Did I miss that day at the movies? But cool car action? Yes.

Fast Five, which should have been terrible, was absolutely entertaining, if you disregard things like physics, mass, and Newton’s laws of motion. Never mind about plot. It was big, dumb, adrenaline-laced fun. And seeing The Rock beat the shit out of Vin Diesel? Worth the price of admission.

Now, speaking of action and motion, I need to talk about the Bourne movies for a minute. They are good, tight action movies except for the fucking action! Doug Liman’s choice to show action and fighting in close up and quick editing cuts is the most annoying thing to ever happen to action movies. Seriously. It’s an ACTION movie. Show me the fucking action! It’s like watching Drive or the Fast and the Furious movies and staying tight on the person driving for the whole movie. Look, he just gear shifted again! He changed the radio station! Boooring! I understand this may have happened first at the end of Lethal Weapon to cover the fact that Mel Gibson wasn’t an expert martial artist, but still, show me something. Although something tells me Gary Busey would have made it look real, whether he knew martial arts or not.

Action movies are (or were) made by action stars, plain and simple. Chuck Norris arguably made one good movie, Code of Silence, but while he was making bad movies, a lot of us couldn’t stop watching them. I watched Invasion U.S.A. and Lone Wolf McQuade over and over again, just to watch some good old-fashioned beat downs. Even then I knew they were not good movies, but it didn’t matter. The core of the action movie was there. Action being done by an action star.

The story of the movie almost didn’t matter. It was the new Bruce Willis or Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. Unless it was Twins, stuff was going to explode and cars were going to get demolished, often in large and creative ways. Will Smith went through an action/sci-fi phase with box office success but mixed critical success. His movies always made boatloads of cash, but his characters weren’t always watchable. He is much more interesting in I, Robot than Bad Boys, but we know who to blame for that.

The movies and lines often reflected their stars. “I’ll be back” or “I’m just a cook!” told me everything I needed to know. Clearly, he is more than a cook. Game on. Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Steven Segal, Jason Statham, etc. It was always a “Steven Segal movie” or a “Jason Statham movie.” Because ultimately, like Jackie Chan, these movies were vehicles built around their stars, and it wasn’t always an insult. Unless you say “A Jennifer Aniston Movie”.

Which brings us to the dirty little secret of action movies: Most of them are mediocre at best. They are not horrible, just not great, either. In truth, action movies are often not good movies. In fact, it’s almost a selling point. Well, it’s an action movie, so it doesn’t have to be good. That’s unfortunate. There are hundreds of Hard Target, Cliffhanger, and Universal Soldier movies out there. I know Hard Target was directed by John Woo and produced by Sam Raimi, but while the action is cool and Jean-Claude Van Damme’s mullet is mystical, his acting is so . . . absent . . . it prevents the film from ever becoming more than average.

Most of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s resume has mediocre action movies on it. Action is that one magical genre where the films often get a pass if stuff blows up real good, or a foot hits a face enough times. But when an action movie is also a good movie, then it really rises to the top. It’s the difference between Predator and . . . Eraser.

Like the jolts we get in horror movies, action movies give us that adrenaline rush when there is a fight against impossible odds or a narrow escape involving a helicopter or only one parachute. Like other movie genres, action evokes an emotion. A feeling. But it’s so . . . unsubtle . . . that it often gets dismissed. In fact, it’s like a muscle reaction while you’re working out, or at least thinking about it. Tension and release. Jumping out of the airplane without a parachute (tense), grabbing the other dude’s parachute halfway down and landing safely (release).

Lately, though, I’ve been wondering where have all the action heroes gone? That question was answered when The Expendables was released. The Expendables was the first kind of nostalgic, retro action movie. All of your aging action stars in one place! For one low price! And even more of them in the sequel, The Expendables 2! Now with Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme! The Expendables was fun. Not technically a great movie, but fun. Again, action movies get a pass. Although there was a lot of leathery skin in that movie. You could have made many belts, boots, and handbags out of that cast.

However, this new Hollywood trend to turn actors into action stars is pretty pathetic and frankly, smells of desperation. If you try to force it, it will never work. You can’t MAKE someone an action star just because they look pretty. Anyone think Charles Bronson looked like a male model?

So who are the new action stars trying to get shoved down our throats? We have Taylor Lautner? Really? Unless he’s all furry no one gives a shit. Jason Mamoa, Chris Hemsworth, Zoe Saldana? Uhm, no. They are not action stars. At least not yet. The closest thing we have to new action stars are Vin Diesel, The Rock, Matt Damon, Sam Worthington, and Gerard Butler. And a few of them need to stop making romantic comedies and babysitting movies. Right now. In fact, Hollywood even celebrates the dearth of new action stars with retro movies like Red and The Expendables. Who is our newest action star? Liam Neeson. He’s over sixty years old and fighting everything from human traffickers to hungry wolves. Does this mean the genre is dying? No fresh blood? I hope not. Steven Soderbergh got close with Gina Carano in Haywire but didn’t quite pull it off, and that’s one I really wanted to be good. Granted, action sequences don’t have to be super-stylized, but they can’t be completely flat, either. This isn’t Sex, Lies, and Ass-Kicking.

Things like Indiana Jones and Die Hard’s John McClane having sons and studios toying with the next generation taking over the franchises seems . . . horrible. And why not daughters? I would rather see Indiana Jones’s daughter kick some ass than Shia LeBouf.

We, as viewers need new material. The old formula is dead and we are tired of it. Enough beating of dead horses with horrible lines of dialogue and C4. The formula of action star in action movie is now becoming either retro (Red), played out (Knight and Day), or incredibly boring (Salt).

So let’s step it up, Hollywood. Show us the action. Show us NEW action. We are hungry for it. We’ll buy it, but you have to let go of the bullshit. You can call Tom Cruise an action star all you want but he’s still the pretty boy who dances in his underwear after his parents leave. Let’s move on. It’s time.

Action movies give us that rush of adrenaline we need in our mundane, ordinary lives. Sometimes it boils down to, after a miserable day at work, we either want to just watch Bruce Willis say something clever while he blows up a helicopter, or just hang ourselves. What I’m saying is, Bruce Willis is saving our lives. But he can’t do it alone. Find the new action stars, and show us something new. Just make sure the muscles are bulging, the guns are running hot, and foot will undoubtedly meet face.

THE TEN BEST ACTION AND/OR
ADVENTURE MOVIES

1. Die Hard (1988)

Bruce Willis played the perfect mix of everyman and kick-ass action star in this terrorist/heist movie. Sequels are still being made. Please stop.

2. Raiders and the Lost Ark (1981) and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)

Let’s not talk about the second or fourth installments. The original and second sequel were incredibly well crafted movies from start to finish. Thrilling, exotic, action packed, and even funny. If Han Solo wasn’t enough, Harrison Ford can count two unforgettable characters in cinema history on his resume.

3. Hard Boiled (1992)

I have no idea what the bullet count is in this movie, but I like it. I liked it even better than John Woo’s other bullet ridden film, The Killer, which is also awesome.

4. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

Sure, it’s sci-fi, but it’s also action. Lots and lots of action. There may be robots in it, but the real action star is Linda Hamilton, who went all Navy Seal to protect her son.

5. Battle Royale (2000)

Way before The Hunger Games. Violence? Check. Satire? Check. Mesmerizing? Check.

6. Desperado (1995)

I have to say I had more of an appreciation for this movie after seeing Robert Rodriguez’s first film, El Mariachi, which is what Desperado is based on. You see where he is coming from, and I ended up enjoying both films even more.

7. Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

A crazy martial arts fight breaks out at a funeral. Magic powers, monsters, guns, explosions, electricity, and a clueless character played completely straight by Kurt Russell. Awesome. Sequel, please.

8. Lethal Weapon (1987)

Ignore the sequels, except maybe the one with Jet Li, but the first one was simply a good cop/buddy/action movie. Imagine an action movie populated with actual characters.

9. Goldfinger (1964)

The blueprint for all James Bond movies. Great villains, hot girls, great lines (“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die”) and a killer bowler hat.

10. Predator (1987)

Hot jungle, massive muscles, giant guns, and one nasty well-armed alien. The whole concept was based on the idea of the action movie. Like aliens were watching our action movies, and wanted in on them. And it also had two future governors in the bulging pectoral cast.

HONORABLE MENTION:

300 (2006)

As many jokes that were made about scantily clad men in great shape, this is still a solid, visual spectacle of an action movie. “I’m a lumberjack and I’m okay . . .”

THE TEN WORST ACTION/
ADVENTURE MOVIES

1. Last Action Hero (1993)

I was SO pumped for this Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. Self-aware, post modern, and satirical, this could have been a classic. Instead, it’s a piece of shit with jokes about 555 numbers and area codes. It even had the nerve to reference an Ingmar Bergman movie and drag it into its suck hole.

2. Face/Off (1997)

Let’s hire John Woo to direct a film, tie his hands, and give him a terrible script. Nice job.

3. Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)

The worst franchise in action-adventure history. Just play the video game. You’ll be much happier.

4. Tango & Cash (1989)

When this movie came out, the “banter” included Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell looking at their guns and one of them going “How come yours is bigger than mine?” “Genetics” was the reply. Later, at the office I was working in I overheard someone telling her coworker about this joke in the trailer, and about how hilarious it was. That’s when I knew the human race was doomed.

5. Speed (1994) and Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997)

The first one was only slightly less dumb than the second, but they are both horrible. The first one had plot holes covered by lines of dialogue about there being a ramp at the edge of an under construction freeway that needs to be jumped. The only cool thing was that I saw it at the Mann’s Chinese Theater, and when the bus crashed in front of the Mann in the movie, everyone cheered.

6. Road House (1989)

OK, I know Patrick Swayze is dreamy in this movie, but seriously. Bouncers and roadhouses didn’t really need a movie made about them. If it was a subtext to explore something else . . . but no, it was about bouncers and roadhouses.

7. Salt (2010)

Even Angelina Jolie looked bored. Like she was focus grouping her own movie. Russian spy, blah blah, blah . . . and it’s not 1962 anymore.

8. Congo (1995)

Amy says, “Bad Movie.” If the Rise of the Planet of the Apes killer gorilla CGI technology had been around when this movie was made, it would still have sucked.

9. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

A beloved 80’s comic book and action figure set meets mind-numbing boredom in this calculatingly awful film. If you’re going to use that much CG in your set pieces, just make the whole thing a cartoon. Or just give Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow their own movie.

10. Live and Let Die (1973)

Voodoo, Roger Moore, and James Bond escapes from crocodiles by walking on their backs. Pitfall Harry and the Atari 2600 would be proud.

WAR MOVIES

By Allan Havey

A law should be passed by congress wherein anytime it rains on a Saturday afternoon, a war movie should be playing on television. I love war movies. Good, bad, and downright corny. War movies cover every genre/sub-genre in film. Drama, of course, but also comedy, romance, thrillers, domestic life, you name it. And when I say war movie I don’t mean intergalactic armies or whimsical elves on flying dragons. I want military action. Guys in subs getting bombarded with depth charges or brothers in arms charging pell-mell up a hill. I dig tension, determination and, above all, ACTION.

Sure, I love the touchy feely stories of the home front. I have compassion for the mother in her enemy occupied village busting her ass to feed her five fatherless children. But nothing thrills me more than watching the wasted dregs of a broken company of men take out a machine gun nest or blow up a bridge. I’m fascinated when a soldier with his guts spilling out can still pick off the enemy while waxing nostalgic about mom and apple pie. I love it when a Filipino kid who isn’t old enough to shave takes out a truckload of Japanese soldiers knowing full well he’s going to buy the farm himself. When a commando is double fisting machine guns and blasting Aryan guts against the cold castle walls of an enemy fortress, I know I’m watching a war film.

World War II movies are my favorite. In the 1940’s the American and British film industry were invaluable to the war effort, resulting in a slew of great movies that were pure propaganda. They helped maintain high morale on the home front while movie stars toured their respective countries selling war bonds and promoting scrap iron drives. Every man, woman, and child pitched in and did their part, simple tasks that unified nations toward the goals of victory and freedom. The movies from this period seem to glow with that unrelenting spirit of do or die. Black and white was never more radiant.

These films were usually pretty simple. Whatever the plot the objective was always clear: Kill the enemy. They are the movies I watched on television when I was growing up in the 1960’s. Glorious tales of normal G.I. Joes putting aside their individual pursuits at home and joining up to fight the “Japs” and “Krauts.” Midwest farm boys tiptoeing through mine fields or British dandies swathed in ascots blasting “Jerries” out of the sky. They’d man tanks in the deserts of North Africa, charge with fixed bayonets through the jungles of Burma, or navigate the muck with threadbare boots over the terrains of Italy, France, Germany, and the islands of the South Pacific. Whether they were flying B-25’s to carpet bomb enemy cities or chasing a U-boat through the frigid waters of the English Channel, our heroes always accomplished their mission or died trying.

As children, my buddies and I watched these films with the luxury of knowing the outcome. We may have lost a few character actors, but we won the war. How we pitied the German and Japanese kids who had to watch their fathers in a futile effort. But how could we lose when Errol Flynn was knocking out a radar station? A mere thirty seconds over Tokyo was all Van Johnson needed to exact revenge for Pearl Harbor, and draft dodger John Wayne made good by giving Japanese pilots a face full of ketchup as a Flying Tiger.

Still, they weren’t just characters in a movie. We knew they represented real men who fought and died for the freedom we took for granted. It happened in the same countries we studied in geography class at school. In our youthful ignorance, we had the impression that war was exciting. We couldn’t wait to grow up and fight in our own war someday. We’d spend hours running around the back yard rat-a-tat-tatting our machine guns. Little Generals in short pants commanding green army men escorted by toy tanks in a sandbox, enemies vanquished at the last minute, just in time for dinner. The propaganda of the early war films, still potent a generation later, inspired us to dreams of war glory while our fathers mowed the lawn, changed the oil in the family car, and remained silent about their own experiences overseas.

The music in war films made an indelible impression on us. The theme to The Great Escape as well as the marching hymn from The Bridge on the River Kwai became a part of our permanent repertoire as we hummed and whistled riding our bikes to school.

As I got older, my knowledge and appreciation of filmmaking grew with me. I now look on those early films with respect at the craftsmanship that I took for granted as a child. Dazzling special effects, years before CGI technology, that have withstood the test of time. The seamless cinematography in a large battle scene, the deft editing in a massive dogfight, and the simple dialogue that touches the heart in a lonely foxhole is what keeps me coming back to these gems over and over.

The realistic violence of war wouldn’t hit the big screen for many years to come. Usually, when a soldier was killed, it was a bullet to the gut with no visible wound. Hand grenades and bombs would kill or maim but all body parts remained intact. These films had to make war movie casualties palpable to the viewing public. The true carnage of battle could only be read on the faces of soldiers viewing dead or injured comrades. Gaping wounds and severed heads were kept out of frame. Even with these restraints, the result of combat could be expressed subtly but effectively. From the simple bullet holes on a car roof in Mrs. Miniver to the last gasp of a dying soldier calling for his mother in Battleground.

In the late 40’s and 50’s, war films became more realistic, directed by veterans who had seen action and despised the romanticism and simplicity of the propaganda films. Sam Fuller, John Huston, John Ford, and a number of accomplished filmmakers had seen the ugliness of war firsthand. Cowardice, fear, even the incompetence of superiors was brought to light. However, censorship standards of the day continued to dilute the harsh realism of battle.

The enemy in the propaganda films was portrayed as inhuman, heartless, warriors devoid of decency. Japanese soldiers were called “nips,” “monkeys,” and “yellow dogs.” American audiences readily embraced these slurs. Ugly epithets easily justified by the surprise attack on Pearl Harbor. Japanese movie soldiers laughed maniacally when making a kill. Cary Grant’s character in Destination Tokyo falsely informs his men that the Japanese have no word for “love,” leaving no doubt about the fate of the world if these unfeeling “monkeys” were victorious. (Conversely, Japanese soldiers and civilians were warned that the average American fighting man was a cannibal and would eat live babies as a snack.) The German soldiers were dismissed as godless robotic stiffs with ice water pumping through their hearts. Any fabrication, no matter how ridiculous, was fair game. War movies helped instill fear and hatred against the Axis powers. War films were our greatest domestic weapons.

When I was eight years old, my dad took my older brother and me to see Daryl Zanuck’s production of the Normandy invasion, The Longest Day. It was a big deal in our house to go to a movie on a school night. We saw it in one of those “indoor” theaters and not a drive-in. Raised in Miami, Florida, I had assumed that they only showed movies in those theaters during the day to keep the sun out. Seeing my first war movie on the big screen overwhelmed me. This is the only way to feel the genuine effect of all films, but especially films of war. It boasted an all-star international cast and a ten million dollar budget, unheard of for a black and white film.

I gulped popcorn as I watched soldiers who had actually been there re-creating their experiences. German actors played the Nazi high command speaking their native tongue while I tried in vain to read the subtitles. It was all I could do to keep up as I watched the highest body count I had seen in any film. So many of the “good guys” were killed that it confused and frightened me. No longer taking solace in knowing that ultimate victory was ours, I realized that this was as real as war could get.

I was wrong, of course, but that experience put me on a steady diet of war films for the rest of my life. To this day when an actor’s name is mentioned, I immediately see them in uniform. As much as I loved to watch Jim Brown run through a defensive lineman, it didn’t compare to his dropping grenades down air chutes to annihilate the Nazis in the basement below in The Dirty Dozen. Steve McQueen was never cooler (dressed in chinos and a light blue sweat shirt) than when flying over a barbed wire fence on his motorbike sporting a fifty dollar haircut in The Great Escape. You may envision Marlon Brando in a t-shirt, but to me he’ll always be a cool blond in a German uniform skiing down a hill as one of The Young Lions.

Through my teens and college years, war films remained inspiring and exciting but primarily a source of entertainment. That all changed when I saw Michael Cimino’s 1978 masterpiece The Deer Hunter. This searing drama about the home and war front experience of Vietnam shook me to my core. Walking out of the Waverly Theater in Greenwich Village on a late Sunday afternoon, I was nearly in a fugue state. Everything I encountered, people, cars, even bits of trash, took on a new intensity. Every square inch of the city jumped out at me as if to scream, “you’re alive!” I didn’t read or watch anything on television for weeks. The effectiveness of The Deer Hunter devastated me. All remnants of childish war dreams were eliminated forever. That seminal film readjusted my attitude about war movies permanently.

A year later I stood in line for hours waiting to see the first showing of Apocalypse Now at the Ziegfeld Theater. War movie buffs and many Vietnam veterans were there. The film devastated the crowd. The audience shuffled out in silence. A few of us thanked the veterans in the crowd for their service. The brash jingoism of the propaganda films was dead and buried. Vietnam veteran Oliver Stone’s heartbreaking Platoon, along with Stanley Kubrick’s Full Metal Jacket refocused our gratitude to the forgotten men of this unnecessary conflict. War movies of the 80’s were giving us the straight dope. Post-Vietnam America was much more cynical than WWII America.

When I toured Afghanistan in 2004 to entertain the troops, Apocalypse Now and Full Metal Jacket could be heard as I made my way past tents and recreation centers. Soldiers would quote their favorite lines (mine too) as we traveled all over the country. I was surprised to discover that even a soldier at war loves a good war movie.

A good war film puts us in the thick of battle. We empathize with our fellow man whose unfortunate fate and circumstance involves impending death on a minute-to-minute basis. We marvel at the heroics not only of soldiers, but also of everyday civilians who find their peaceful existence turned upside down. Suffering immeasurable loss, they press on, hoping against hope to live just one more day. As the final credits roll we are reassured of the tenacity of the human spirit, no matter what the outcome.

The luxury of watching a war movie, however compelling, is that we are merely observers. We survive every conflict intact, our only battle scars being a sore butt or a stomachache from too much popcorn. However, even though we know it’s only a movie, there is no doubt that what we’ve witnessed is extraordinary, whether it’s director Sam Fuller working on a miniscule budget with a skeleton crew delving into the psyche of three men in a foxhole in The Steel Helmet or David Lean orchestrating an invasion on camelback with thousands of extras in Lawrence of Arabia.

A war movie should have great action, sparse dialogue and a clear objective. Making it real is paramount. It doesn’t matter what the subject is or how large or small the budget. I’ve got to believe it. If war stopped around the world for one hundred years, war films would still be made. The inherent dramatic elements of war will always remain irresistible to generations of filmmakers and audiences for as long as movies are made.

I’m quite sure a few of my selections and omissions will piss off a few of the diehard war film nerds out there. Tough it out. All is fair in love and you know what.

THE TEN BEST WAR MOVIES

1. Come and See (1985)

The most powerful war film you will ever see. Brilliant and disturbing story of the genocide of Russian peasants by the SS troops. Not a scintilla of sentiment. Brace yourself.

2. Rome, Open City (1945)

A heartbreaking story of life in occupied Rome during World War II. Roberto Rossellini started shooting this powerful film about the resistance right after the Nazis left. Amazing cast and camera work.

3. Das Boot (1981)

Director Wolfgang Petersen’s masterpiece on a U-boat crew in 1941 is the only war film to evoke my sympathy for a boatload of Germans. You can feel the walls closing in. A must see.

4. Army of Shadows (1969)

Re-released in 2010, Jean Pierre Melville’s brilliant story of the French resistance during WWII. Incredible performances that will stick to your ribs.

5. Paths of Glory (1957)

Stanley Kubrick goes deep into the trenches in this classic anti-war film. A brilliant cast led by Kirk Douglas exposes the cruelty of wartime politics.

6. The Deer Hunter (1978)

The story of three steelworkers in a small Pennsylvania town who want to go where the “bullets are flying.” Their dreams turn into nightmares. Unforgettable.

7. Full Metal Jacket (1987)

Two war films in one. A fascinating and brutal trip through a Marine boot camp. Vietnam is only slightly worse. Kubrick hits another home run.

8. Apocalypse Now (1979)

Ride up river with Captain Willard and you won’t come back the same. Skip the “Redux” DVD version. Stick with the original. Coppola got it right the first time.

9. The Best Years of Our Lives (1946)

Not a single shot is fired in this perfect story of three military men and their difficult re-adjustment to the post war experience. One of the best movies ever made. Keep the tissues handy. A genuine tearjerker.

10. Lawrence of Arabia (1962)

David Lean’s masterpiece. The story of British soldier T.E. Lawrence and his contribution to the “Arab campaign” against the Turks in World War I. Only way to view it is on the big screen. You’ll see why.

THE TEN WORST WAR MOVIES

1. Escape to Athena (1979)

This star-studded turkey is a combo escape/heist film. They had all the horses but couldn’t deliver. If Sonny Bono can’t save a war film, who can?

2. Force 10 From Navarone (1978)

It took ten years to get this sequel of The Guns of Navarone made. It will make you wish that all the characters died a fiery death in the original.

3. Hanover Street (1978)

Handsome pilot is having a love affair with a beautiful nurse. He’s shot down and has to bring back a secret agent to safety. He can’t believe the agent is his lover’s husband! You won’t believe it either.

4. Pearl Harbor (2001)

The film that exposes the tragedy of all the male models we lost at Pearl Harbor. It had a one million dollar budget for dental floss alone. This cartoon is a waste of time and money.

5. Memphis Belle (1990)

This is going to piss off a lot of people, but I thought they tried too hard to make an “old-fashioned war film.” Most people loved this film. I did not.

6. The Green Berets (1968)

Middle-aged men fight in what looks like Yellowstone Park. Combed hair, ironed shirts, tummies sucked in tight. Only Tet was more offensive.

7. Windtalkers (2002)

This story of American Indian code talkers in the Pacific theater is overshadowed by Nicholas Cage single-handedly winning the war. Great action, but you’ll wish the dialogue was all in Navajo.

8. Battle Cry (1955)

A stale soap opera where the characters are established within thirty seconds of opening their mouths. A great showcase for all the Warner contract players of the 50’s. If you don’t take it seriously, you’ll enjoy it. Watch for the soldier giving the finger. The censor missed it. I didn’t.

9. Ski Troop Attack (1960)

A Roger Corman low budget fiasco. Soldiers on skis trying to blow up a bridge. You’ll pray for an avalanche.

10. Hitler’s Last Train (1977)

Prostitutes just for Adolph. S&M and sex scenes in a coal bin. Wear your leather and drink strong coffee. You’ll still fall asleep.

FILM NOIR

By Greg Proops

When I was in college my pal took me to see a double bill of Out of the Past and Murder, My Sweet at the York Theater in San Francisco. The York stood down in the Mission District and was a remnant from the days when it was an Irish neighborhood. The St. Francis ice cream parlor was nearby, with its red vinyl stools and wooden booths and it felt like you could get whacked by a passing car full of hoodlums at any time, but that only added to the mood as we scored a chocolate malted and swung well refreshed into the old deco joint to reach back and join the glory of black and white picture shows.

The York is now long gone but in those days it was a rep house that showed lots of old movies. So we found seats down front and settled in for the screenings. Like so many film noir pictures, the story in Out of the Past starts in the middle and jumps back and forth. Robert Mitchum is all forties cool with his raincoat, fedora, proto-rock forelock, and everlasting cigarette. A gangster shows up in the small town where Mitchum is running a garage. We know he is a gangster because the townies are wearing forties sportswear and high-waisted jeans and he is wearing a fedora and a long, dark topcoat. The gangster is cocksure and openly rude to the deaf teen that works for our hero. Did I say deaf teen? Yeah buddy; this is how I got hooked.

When the hood finds Mitchum he tells him his old boss, Whit, cunningly underplayed by Kirk Douglas, wants to see him. Mitchum can’t refuse. After all, the movie is called Out of the Past not I Need Closure. Turns out he had an affair with Whit’s moll, the craven, duplicitous, black widow of all film noir fatales—a worldly 22-year-old Jane Greer. This is my favorite film noir and one of my all-time favorite pictures.

Everything that noir is supposed to be is captured in this romantic tragedy. A cynical shamus tells us the tale in sardonic voice-over. There is the creepy, spurned partner. The amoral, ratty kingpin. The bluff, dependable cab driver who knows the score. A doll on the run who ain’t what she seems. Double-crosses, blackmail, fistfights, un-pre-meditated murder, day-drinking, back-lighting, side-lighting, creeping shadows, night shots, knocked-over-lamp-lighting, shots through the windshield, and bonus fake San Francisco night skyline. Mostly it runs hot on the jaded sexiness of the stars and crackling good tough-talking dialogue.

Jane Greer shoots Whit and steals forty grand. Whit hires Mitchum to chase Greer to Mexico, and they eventually hook up. He waits for her every night when she comes running down the beach, “like school was out.” She tells him a pack of lies and asks if he thinks she is telling the truth. Mitchum takes her in his arms and hums the defining line of his career, “Baby, I don’t care.” Kiss. Fade to black. Pow. Love act. Doomed romance. Intrigue. Danger. This is not going to end well. I was hooked. And I have never stopped using.

Style under pressure might be the most exciting thing about noir. In a picture like Gun Crazy you can almost smell the lack of budget. Boy who likes guns meets girl who is a sharpshooter at the carnival. He puts on a crown of matches and she shoots them off one by one. This is their foreplay. Of course she is pure evil and he is weak. They go together as he says, “like guns and ammunition.” Director Joseph Lewis gets more bang out of less than almost anyone. There is a bravura bank robbing sequence shot POV from the back seat that goes on forever. It answers the question that Hollywood never asks anymore: Can we do this for nothing and make it look brilliant? In the Big Combo, Lewis rips out Brain Donlevy’s hearing aid and all we see of the murder is the muzzle blast of the tommy guns. This is pure cinema. I would squeal with delight but it is noir so I pour myself a stiff one and sulk while watching.

The thing that grabs me about film noir is how adult it is. Even as a small child in a suit and tie I wanted to be a grown up. I felt the other children were stupid and immature with the yelling and popularity nonsense. I couldn’t wait to be older and have my own life and drink and smoke and chase schemes just like in the movies.

When I was a teen I started doing stand up and was invited into a world of nightclubs, saloons and loose company I have not lost the taste for. Noir is a world of illicit sex in movies when no upright movie character even talked about such things. The Big Sleep has dope shooting and pornography, as well as nymphomania and illegal casinos. All in 1940’s LA. That is good times. Lauren Bacall was not even the legal drinking age when she made the movie and she “has seen it all.”

When I see Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson in their forties perennially acting like kooky, mixed up twenty-year-olds I pine for the days when being an adult meant firing off quips, drinking straight whiskey, using double entendres, smoking indoors, and putting some lead in a double-crossing heel.

Try this exchange between Bogart playing Phillip Marlowe the overmatched dick, and rich, spoiled alcoholic, degenerate gambler Lauren Bacall from The Big Sleep.

Marlowe: “Well, I can’t tell till I’ve seen you over a distance of ground. You’ve got a touch of class, but I don’t know how, how far you can go.”

Vivian: “A lot depends on who’s in the saddle.”

Who is in the saddle? That is what movies are supposed to do. Be better and darker and cooler than regular life. Film noir is a hopeless world, but like the blues you come back to find solace in the telling of the wreckage.

Remember the excitement and power of seeing Pulp Fiction for the first time? I saw it in a cinema in London and I won’t forget the audience cheering the credit sequence. Pulp Fiction has been called a neo-noir because of the wraparound plot and general old-fashioned tough guy tone. It does have drugs, perversion, and having to take the gangster boss’s wife on a date. But Pulp Fiction isn’t quite a noir. It ain’t broody and it really works because the performances of John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson are spot on and the dialogue is funny and full of references. The whole movie is a reference to other movies. Even the references are references. Plus it is just good, violent fun. It was fairly scandalous at the time. Politicians decried the blood, critics the N-bomb dropping.

Pulp Fiction has the elements of a neo-noir but a TV movie from the same year (1994) has the dirty heart and destructive soul of true noir: The Last Seduction. Linda Fiorentino dominates this movie, just like Rita Hayworth in Gilda or Lady from Shanghai or Barbara Stanwyck in Double Indemnity. She is Wendy Kroy, the one night stand from your nightmare. She bends men to her will till they are broken. The film features epic amounts of rough sex, fake rapes, double-crossings and my favorite part: When Kroy puts her smoke out in Mom’s apple pie. Made in color but with petty greed in its dark, inky soul, The Last Seduction hits all the notes as a great modern neo noir.

The power of film noir is contained in the millions of shades of black. My wife and I had a “date night” at Hollywood Forever Cemetery, which shows old movies on the weekends outdoors on the side of a mausoleum. People sit on the grass and light candles and drink wine and a permissive atmosphere prevails. The moon rises over the palm trees in the very place where Valentino is resting for eternity.

This particular night featured Hitchcock’s glorious creeper stalk fest, Strangers on a Train. I suspected many of the youngish, groovy crowd was seeing their first black and white movie. The picture starts and everyone goes quiet. We are having wine and taking in the night air. Train travel and men wearing ties. More night air is consumed as we all watch eccentric lunatic Robert Walker start stalking staunch tennis pro Farley Granger. Like a long con, the movie was slowly hooking its audience.

At the climax of the film there is a mad merry-go-round chase featuring 1950’s special effects and the emotional power of Hitchcock’s storytelling. Robert Walker’s astounding turn as a mad, entitled, lonely mama’s boy obsessed with killing had sent the crowd into a tizzy. In the denouement, the murderer is trapped under the carousel while an innocent child rides a horse unawares. The tension becomes unbearable and then the merry-go-round spins madly off and crashes. At that moment even the jaded Hollywood girl behind us is overcome and screams, “Oh my God!” Bliss. The spell of film noir is inescapable, no matter how ironically you begin your viewing in a cemetery.

It just washes over me. Film noir is the hats and the smokes, the cars and the dames. The streets are wet, the phones are in a booth in a drugstore. Mood and feel. Black and white. Vengeance and angst. Noir is the taxicab throughout the bad neighborhood that lets you out at the all night diner. Noir is the doll of your dreams wrapping you up in a spider web. Noir is a palooka heading out for one last fight he cannot hope to win. The detective who is in way over his head but carries on. A doomed couple who try to find love and dance while the cops are coming. Noir is a desperate race against time and time is definitely running out.

THE TEN BEST FILM NOIR MOVIES

1. Out of the Past (1947)

A sexy, devilish, little thriller. Hunky ex-private detective Robert Mitchum is wrenched from his nice blond girlfriend and safe job by oily kingpin Kirk Douglas. Stay for the stunning Rhonda Fleming as a cold, masochistic blackmailer. Directed on a small budget by the versatile Jacques Tourneur. Yes, he did I Walked with a Zombie.

2. Strangers on a Train (1951)

Hitchcock goes stalker in dark black and white. Handsome Farley Granger is a tennis player who meets Robert Walker a rich weirdo on a train. They play the pretend, “what if I killed someone for you”? game. But Robert Walker ain’t pretending. Ruth Roman is not getting it done as Granger’s fiancé but Hitchcock’s daughter Patricia is awesome as her quirky, inquisitive sister. This one is taut and creepy. Hitchcock greatness.

3. Laura (1944)

Everyone is obsessed with Laura. Well, Gene Tierney does have the hottest overbite in all of film. Dana Andrews is sent to discover who murdered her and falls like a clay pigeon. Vincent Price plays the parasitic boyfriend. This picture really has it all: Confusing plot, crispy dialogue, weird unexplained mania, and a weary detective trying to sort it all out.

4. The Narrow Margin (1952)

Train noir of the highest caliber. Marie Windsor poses as a mob boss’s wife on her way to LA to testify. No one knows she is really an undercover cop. Fast paced and original, this one has tough chicks bringing the noise and knowing the real score.

5. Touch of Evil (1958)

Orson Welles’s late fifties noir set in a sleazy border town. Orson wades huge and sweaty through this movie as the most corrupt cop ever. Charlton Heston plays a straight arrow Mexican drug agent. Heston is sporting a pencil thin mustache and an imperial gallon of Ben Nye #9 Egyptian base makeup and the fun starts there. Moving on we get racism, leather jacketed 50’s punk gang rape, flashing neon light strangling, voyeuristic tough girl lesbians, sordid reefer smoking, and Dennis Weaver as a proto Norman Bates lunatic running the shady hotel. Unforgettable.

6. The Big Sleep (1946)

Don’t ask me what the plot is. Nobel Prize winner William Faulkner is one of the writers and Howard Hawks asked him and he had no idea. The confusion is general. Sit back and watch the parade of nympho daughters, illegal casinos, pornographers, racketeers, Elisha Cook Jr. as the torpedo, and thumping good dialogue pulled right from Raymond Chandler’s book.

7. Chinatown (1974)

Roman Polanski’s 70’s masterpiece set in a sleazy, corrupt, rotting Hollywood where no one has any morality. Jack Nicholson is great as the two bit detective pulled into most confusing plot after The Big Sleep. Faye Dunaway plays the dame and vibrates with glamour and danger in every frame. A scathing commentary about power and is scary as hell. The greatest color noir.

8. Sweet Smell of Success (1957)

A tabloid noir. Tony Curtis in his greatest role as the unrelentingly sleazy press agent, Sidney Falco. Burt Lancaster plays a heinous, right wing columnist and TV host who is in love with his own sister. The dialogue crackles with threats and venom. Tony Curtis is the most obsequious, toadying desperate worm that ever crawled down Broadway. Burt Lancaster spits at him, “I’d hate to take a bite outta you. You’re a cookie full of arsenic.” This movie is creeptastic.

9. Memento (2000)

Modern noir with all the conventions honored: Two-bit detective running down his wife’s murder, untrustworthy jerk friend, deceitful lady bartender, convoluted story told sideways. The twist is our hero can’t remember anything for more than a few minutes. This film put Batman director Christopher Nolan on the map. Guy Pearce is sexy and disturbing as the hapless Shelby. Confounding and surprising with the flashbacks in black and white, it is a little firecracker of a film.

10. Red Rock West (1993)

Moody neo-noir from the nineties. This movie was shown on TV and headed for video when Bill Banning who owned the Roxie Theater in San Francisco got a hold of it. I saw it at the Roxie and the line was around the block. The picture finally caught on and got distribution. Worthy stuff all around: Mistaken identity, a crazed hit man, a man bent on having his wife knocked off, a box of money, the final act played in a graveyard. Nicolas Cage is the dupe, Lara Flynn Boyle the fatale, Dennis Hopper is crazy, (duh) and the eternal super creep J.T. Walsh is the one who wants the job done.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

The Grifters (1990)

Director Stephen Frears beats up this Jim Thompson novel. John Cusack is good as a con man, Annette Bening is fine as the tart, but Anjelica Huston brings back the noir noise as Cusack’s gangster mother, Lily. She will literally do anything to get her way. If your friend hates black and white films start them off here and then take them to the well.

Le Samourai (1967)

Jean-Pierre Melville is the king of French noir. Stark and stylish beyond all measure.

Gun Crazy (1950)

A couple kills people so they don’t have to work. Hot and brilliantly made for no money.

The Big Heat (1953)

Fritz Lang is not afraid to have Lee Marvin throw a pot of hot coffee in Gloria Grahame’s face.

Kiss Me Deadly (1955)

Mike Hammer is so mean he hits everyone whether they take a bribe or not.

Gilda (1946)

Rita Hayworth could make the Pope drink.

THE TEN WORST FILM NOIR MOVIES

1. The Lady from Shanghai (1947)

Although Rita Hayworth is amazing, and the final shoot out is unforgettable, Orson Welles has a bogus Irish accent and is a cruddy male lead. Should’ve been someone more studly, like Robert Ryan.

2. Bound (1996)

Gina Gershon always means good. And Bi. You won’t be curious.

3. Minority Report (2002)

Boring bloated sci-fi noir. Tom Cruise is a conflicted cop. Stop right there. Rent something else.

4. Detour (1945)

Overrated and annoying. Always on the best list cause it is shrill. Instead, watch The Big Combo and enjoy yourself.

5. Strange Days (1995)

More sci-fi noir. Blade Runner beats this movie like a tom-tom.

6. Sin City (2005)

You liked it, I did not.

7. Miller’s Crossing (1990)

Yes, it’s Coen brothers, but go Blood Simple or No Country for Old Men instead.

8. Lady in the Lake (1947)

Gimmick is the P.I. is the POV. No amount of booze makes this movie good.

9. Out of Sight (1998)

J. Lo is in it. You will never get that time back if you watch.

10. Jail Bait (1954)

With this film, Ed Wood Jr. did for film noir what he did for science fiction with Plan 9 from Outer Space.

MUSICALS

By Jackie Kashian

My brother Russ is so excited that I get to write this chapter on musicals, that he’s called me four times a day to tell me another thing I can’t forget to include. I hope he will eventually get past the 1940’s.

I adore love stories and movies with a message. So, musicals, I’m with you. Yankee Doodle Dandy was patriotic. Duck Soup made fun of patriotism. South Pacific told me it wasn’t okay to be racist. The King and I explained feminism. And Oklahoma! told me that cattlemen and farmers could be friends.

I’ve always enjoyed how political musicals are, while still being irritated if they hammer it too hard. If you hate musicals, you’re reading this thinking, “Are there musicals that don’t have a hammer? I always feel like I’m being hammered.” (Just skim, you completist. The chapter on sports movies is coming up soon!)

Musicals love to address racism. They are mostly against, but not always. As a child, I loved Shirley Temple while deploring the overt racism of The Littlest Rebel (the “good ones” will warn you that the Union Army is approaching). I still love Holiday Inn in spite of its casual racism. And I will always celebrate a “stick it to the man” message like the one in Hair and Jesus Christ Superstar. Sure, our heroes die . . . but do they?

I’m not totally indiscriminate in my love of the musical film, though. I feel very little support for the suburban rebellion of Hairspray. Brigadoon just creeped me out. I would still have nightmares about the “March of the Toys” from Babes in Toyland if I hadn’t purged all Laurel and Hardy movies from my memory with extensive pillow therapy.

My stepmother loved musicals. She didn’t care about “the message” so much as she just wanted it all to be real. She told me she cried so hard, as a kid, because no one broke into song and dance in real life. Who can blame her? I too want so many things in movies to be real. What is a flash mob but bringing that same desire to life? You want to pontificate? Do it with a song and dance number and I will listen. However, if you’re going to break into song and dance, I want it all to be real: The justice, the love, the good guys winning, and the happy endings.

I always try to relate to people in the movies. The closest I came, in a musical, was Robert Preston in The Music Man. My father is also a salesman with a heart of silver that could be tricked into acting all golden, like Ponyboy. If my dad were a gay song and dance man, he would have been Robert Preston, and he would have been a hell of a gay song and dance man.

Musicals need personalities as electrifying as the music to drive them. The great James Cagney was a “triple threat,” and he created the expectation that all actors and actresses should be able to sing, dance, and act. Thus Jimmy Stewart (Born to Dance) and Clark Gable (Idiot’s Delight) were expected to “do it all.” But Hollywood realized their mistake almost immediately and didn’t forget again for almost 30 years until Clint Eastwood was . . . allowed? encouraged? compelled? to give it a shot in Paint Your Wagon in 1969.

There were isolated instances where people tried to force a square peg like Marlon Brando into the round hole of Guys and Dolls, but Sinatra was so great in it that it gets a pass. In the 90’s, Woody Allen made Goldie Hawn dance and everyone else sing in Everyone Says I Love You. Until Hugh Jackman and Catherine Zeta Jones came along, we barely remembered the term “triple threat.” John Travolta was one in Grease and Saturday Night Fever, but everyone knew that that was just a fluke. Recently we’ve been reminded that most actors, including Ewan McGregor (Moulin Rouge) and Colin Firth (Mamma Mia!) have just one threat: Acting. Mamma Mia! in particular is full of people who shouldn’t be singing. These are not “triple threat” actors. Colin Firth and Pierce Brosnan are “team singers” at best. Pierce Brosnan is on key but his voice is so strained it sounds like he’s actually singing through cheese cloth. I mean, I enjoyed it . . . but it’s a total guilty pleasure.

Russ called again and delivered a lecture about “rock movies.” They aren’t musicals. They were star vehicles, like a really long music video. So Gidget and most of Elvis’s work don’t really count toward the classic model. And Rock Rock Rock (with the very young Tuesday Weld as a girl desperate to raise $8 to buy a dress for a concert/dance/prom thing) is just a dance film. I’ve told him that Lord Carrett is doing a whole chapter on “rock films.” I know Lord Carrett, but not well enough to give Russ his number. However, I will pass along all Frankie Avalon related material.

Let’s talk about some of the musicals I own. The Marx Bros. are great. Bob Hope and Bing Crosby are song and dance men from vaudeville and made seven good to mediocre Road to . . . movies. There is little or no message or substance to those movies, but they’re good times. Bing also did a slew of holiday movies that I will watch alone if I have to. Everything with Julie Andrews must be enjoyed over and over: Sound of Music, Mary Poppins, and Victor Victoria.

It’s controversial, I know, but I prefer Fred Astaire to Gene Kelly. Singin’ in the Rain is awesome, but Fred Astaire, just with Ginger Rogers, has three movies that I love: Top Hat, Follow the Fleet, and Shall We Dance. Granted, Fred wooing the seriously too young Audrey Hepburn and Leslie Caron in Funny Face and Daddy Long Legs creep me out as much as Woody Allen’s real life.

It’s most distracting to me when the actors are older than the characters they play, but also when the actors look old for their real ages. In Grease, John Travolta and Jeff Conaway are the crummiest looking 25-year-old high school students ever.

But now, let me digress onto movies that I know are great but are not for yours truly. West Side Story and The King and I both have sad endings. Carousel is downright tragic. Rod Steiger nails Jud in Oklahoma! and gave me nightmares as a child. It also has my least favorite thing in a musical—the drawn out ballet scene. Yeah, American in Paris, I’m looking at you, too. Renée Zellweger (née Squinty McClintock) ruins the idea of me ever enjoying Chicago. I saw Tommy and The Wall against my will and I found them too dark. In contrast, Jesus Christ Superstar isn’t exactly cheerful but I found it to be a better confirmation of my early teen faith than anything I heard at church. And don’t get me started on the overrated Finian’s Rainbow. Glerg. I think that’s enough.

My stepmother loved The Wizard of Oz best. It isn’t my favorite, but I get why it’s beloved. It has all the qualities of so many great stories. It has the clear-cut villain, and our heroine faces the fear of her own limitations. We all go on that journey to redemption and self-awareness together.

Music inspires the most random fights I’ve ever heard. Fans of musicals could not be more subjective: With sweeping statements the dialogue tool of choice. I can’t count how many dingbats tell me “real men” don’t like musicals. Not long after, said moron can be led to go off on how much he enjoyed Tommy. And don’t get him started on how The Jungle Book changed his life as a toddler.

Russ called again just as I was thinking about dudes and musicals. I asked what musicals a “regular guy” might like. He replied, “Cat Ballou with Lee Marvin and Jane Fonda. Nat King Cole and Stubby Kaye are the Greek Chorus to a gun fight.” He tagged it with, “Annie Get Your Gun (1950) with Betty Hutton is so much better. But it’s a more classic model.” OK. Thanks, Russ.

Love for musicals is also individual. I like songs I can sing along to, others like the poetry of the lyrics, and some people just want to watch the moving pictures when they get stoned.

My favorites are the love stories: The Music Man, Guys and Dolls, Moulin Rouge!, and Grease. It doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate the envelope pushing of cult favorites like Rocky Horror Picture Show, Little Shop of Horrors, and Sweeney Todd (2007). I just don’t re-watch them as much.

Moulin Rouge! inspires so much love and hate. I know I loved it. Sure, she dies in the end, but I didn’t like her that much. I think I loved the setting and the repurposing of those songs more than anything else. I’ve also loved Baz Luhrmann since Strictly Ballroom, and I know that that is a dance film, not a musical.

Some of the movies I like are light, even barely musical, musicals, like High Society. But I also enjoy the idea of taking the music of a band and making it into a story. Across the Universe and Mamma Mia! are two examples of very different “bands.”

Let’s get back to musicals that I know are great that I haven’t enjoyed sitting through. Critically acclaimed winning movies like A Star is Born, Show Boat, Funny Girl, and All that Jazz. They’re too sad, or too dark, or too weird for me. I was tricked into seeing A Star is Born. Both the Judy Garland and Barbara Streisand version. I have no defense for not remembering the movie, because both times I remember saying, out loud, to friends, “Isn’t this sad?” I was told it was NOT. Now, that is a blatant lie. The songs are even depressing. I liked the Judy Garland version better than the Barbara Streisand but know that I didn’t enjoy either of them.

I also barely enjoy the animated musical. Disney has done most of them and I judge them just like every other movie, one at a time. I am not a racist, but Hercules (1997) was terrible. Some of them are such arrant crap that no one can remember they exist until Disney foists it on you in a two-pack with Aladdin. They are almost too light—though Fantasia is dense enough to warrant a Leslie Caron cameo for 16 minutes of ballet for no reason. Yes, American in Paris, still mad.

I told Russ I was working on my choices for best and worst musicals. He said, “You probably hate my two favorites: My Fair Lady and Gigi.” True, they are not my favorites. They should get honorable mentions just because they are well acted and well performed and have some great scenes. But My Fair Lady is all about how women are “bitches, man.” (This is why Rex Harrison is sitting in front of the Gas-n-Sip on a Saturday night, no women anywhere.) And Gigi’s plot is catchy, but again, not for me. It’s all, “Hey! We’re raising our adorable daughter to be a whore! Wanna buy her? OH . . . you’ll save her. Neat!” I will say that, when she is his wife, she’ll have all those great whore skills of knowing real diamonds from paste and being able to pick a good cigar. So it’s a win-win for everyone.

When a musical ends, if I’m thinking to myself, “How does their life go now?” you’ve done something wrong. I want to think that the happy ending is permanent. I want to know that Nellie keeps on loving her biracial step-children in South Pacific. I don’t want to think about how Sarah and Sky really have nothing in common in Guys and Dolls. And Adelaide has forced marriage on Nathan and that relationship is doomed. In my head, Jesus and Treat Williams are coming back, somehow. To quote Robert Preston in The Music Man, “There’s always a band, kid.”

THE TEN BEST MOVIE MUSICALS

(In the order in which I would watch
them, right now, marathon-style.)

1. Victor Victoria (1982)

I know it’s just me. I really love Robert Preston. And Julie Andrews is my favorite in everything.

2. Hair (1979)

Treat Williams, dreamboat. It has great songs, weird disjointed messages (just like the 60’s), and Vietnam, man. Vietnam.

3. Grease (1978)

It was the first filthy movie my parents let me watch. I totally did not understand what I was talking about as I belted out “There Are Worse Things I Could Do.”

4. Guys and Dolls (1955), The Music Man (1962), South Pacific (1958)

Musicals done right. Catchy, light, and with a message. Dolls frees us of single minded religion, Music Man reminds us to believe in the intangible “think system,” and Pacific tries to make us remember we’re all human, different but the same.

5. The Sound of Music (1965)

That Nazi boy makes me sad but it’s still the greatest movie in the world.

6. Jesus Christ Superstar (1973)

I had a full on religious experience when I listened to my stepmother’s album, then saw the movie. It made Christ much more accessible. Feel free to send me to hell, judgey judgersons.

7. Holiday Inn (1942)

I had to have a Fred Astaire movie and Bing is in it too. There are great songs and dance and a love story. Granted, Louise Beavers plays Mamie–a woman who probably should have been doing Othello on Broadway (Granted, she’d have to be man to play Othello. And, in 1942 . . . a white man.)

8. Duck Soup (1933)

Politics is a minstrel show. Political genius and slapstick together.

9. The Blues Brothers (1980)

It’s got everything old and new. Blues. Anti-establishment. Nuns.

10. The Wizard of Oz (1939)

It’s just . . . black and white to color. Start there.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

(Because there’s no way anyone is happy with the above list)

Singin’ in the Rain (1952) and On the Town (1949)

You know why.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)

Cult classic I like against my will. What Hairspray wants to be.

THE TEN WORST MOVIE MUSICALS

(Movies people love and I’m wrong. Unless you agree. Then I’m right.)

1. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers (1954)

Really? The Rape of the Sabine Women? Fantastic. I’ll pass.

2. Paint Your Wagon (1969)

Even Clint Eastwood cannot fix this mess. Comparable plot to Seven Brides—Eastwood and Lee Marvin are going to share a wife. It’s slightly better only because their get-rich plot is to collect the gold dust that falls to the floor of the town. So they burrow under the entire town. You could watch this movie just to see how that works out for them.

3. An American in Paris (1951)

Too long with the crazy ballet! I’m seriously willing to just go to a ballet. Don’t feed it to me on the sly, Hollywood.

4. Meet Me in St. Louis (1944)

Middle class angst about moving to New York? I like Judy Garland, but I cannot care about your dream to go to the World Fair.

5. The Little Mermaid (1989)

Never sign a contract without reading it. It will not be better on land. You’re just a teenager. You will not be proven right. Listen to your dad, idiot child. Also, this hunk of nonsense has created princesses of every little girl I’ve met since then.

6. Hairspray (2007)

I might have missed my window of opportunity to be impressed by this movie. I will say that I think the soundtrack is very fun. And the original (1988) was better, only because they played it more sincerely. But the hammer they’re beating me with in the “plot” hurts my head. White middle class girls fighting racism with dance . . . you’d think I’d be down, but I don’t care.

7. Flower Drum Song (1961)

There has to be a better way to get Asian musical theatre actors work.

8. High School Musical (and sequels) (2006, 2007, 2008)

The complete and total lack of adult content makes this the antithesis of Hairspray. They hit me over the head with the lack of anything real happening in this movie. No sex, no real emotion, no genuine feeling at all. Feel free to avoid.

9. Sequels to Musicals

I can’t think of one that doesn’t suck. Shock Treatment (sequel to Rocky Horror). Grease 2. They’re terrible. So, let’s just say—sequels.

10. West Side Story (1961), A Star is Born (1937, 1954, 1976), Show Boat (1951)

And every other “tragic” musical. I don’t care if Shakespeare is involved. I go to musicals to be cheered the fuck up.

DOCUMENTARIES

By Graham Elwood

What makes a good documentary? Is it a bunch of dumb whores in a stupid town yelling about why they are the best wife in the lot? Or maybe a cooking competition with fancy suit wearing shitheads judging a bunch of nonsense that would never influence anyone’s decision on if a restaurant is good or not? Perhaps it is some family of rich, vapid dummies whose only talent is how to correctly wear blood diamonds. Oh wait, I’m talking about the reason I canceled my cable. Reality TV has nothing to do with documentaries.

A good doc (the hipster shorthand in film-land) is when the audience is taken into a world that most of us know little about, and we learn by going along on the experience with the subjects. We try to answer the questions: What would I do? How would I react? This is when the power of documentary filmmaking is at its zenith. For example, Murderball is a doc about wheelchair rugby leagues and how much it means to people who cannot walk anymore. In watching a film like this, we are taken not only into an unfamiliar physical world but an emotional one. This genre, when done correctly, documents honestly and accurately what is happening.

When interview and editing tricks are used to push some agenda, then you have reality TV or propaganda films. Yes, the filmmakers’ opinions are going to get involved to a certain extent as nothing is truly objective. But when politics, greed, and ego get tangled (see Michael Moore), then you have the American Corporate media and its two party puppets, like I learned about when watching Inside Job. Oh yes, America we will let you “play” voter and get all wound up about the next election like fans of professional wrestling. I sat in the theater laughing during this film because it was so flagrant how the big corporations have fucked us. Like a mob guy pulling a $20 bill out of my wallet saying, “What are you doing with my money in your pocket?” Actually that is an insult to mobsters. Or see how things get covered up and distorted for political reasons, like when I watched The Tillman Story, a movie which gave me even more respect for Pat Tillman, all the while making me want to riot in the streets.

Making a documentary is a challenge like no other in filmmaking because most of the time you have no idea what is going to happen. And after it does, how do you piece it together? A doc is made in the editing room, far more than a scripted film with its predestined beginning, middle, and end. A doc is an Everest-sized mountain of footage from which you must carve out a story. Documentaries offer a wonderful or horrifying look into something that we could never really understand on our own or from a distance. The act of intimately watching other human beings go through something makes us find the often surprising connection to our own lives. I, for one, had no idea how going to Afghanistan with a camera was going to forever change me. The first and subsequent trips, along with the 3 1/2 year process to finish my doc, will affect me for the rest of my life. This is what is different about documentary filmmaking. It is real. That reality changes and stays with the filmmaker.

I want to address the films of Michael Moore. He is a gifted filmmaker that has taken documentaries into the mainstream and shown Hollywood that big profits can be made from docs. That docs can get notable box office numbers is a good thing, but every single one of his films has a clear agenda. His personal political views are so prevalent in his films that it taints what he is trying to say. While I’m glad that he has brought information into the mainstream dialogue about gun control, health care, the war in Iraq, etc., I’m not glad about how he does it. Do we really need to see him holding up a picture outside of Charlton Heston’s house? Yes, showing Canadians as not locking their doors is good for us Americans to see that we are a little nuts. But grandstanding in front of the Omega Man’s house is a bit much. Blaming Mr. Heston for handgun deaths is like Dr. Zaius blaming Taylor for turning the planet into a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Yes, Soylent Green is people, but he didn’t grind them up.

I was glad that someone was challenging the Bush White House, but again his tactics raise doubt. I don’t care how long Bush read a children’s story after hearing the news of 9/11. What was he supposed to do, run out of there screaming? Showing soldiers who think killing is like a video game is supposed to prove what? That war is awful? Of course it is! I hate to break it to you Mike, but our grandfathers were taught to think that the Germans and Japanese were less than human in WWII. Anyone who has ever been in combat has to think this way. I’m not saying it’s a good thing, and if you want to say that war is bad, then fine I agree. But don’t make some kid in his early twenties out to be some monster as you sit there in your liberal cocoon making money off of anti-Bush filmmaking.

I am liberal in many of my views, but in my travels I have learned that preaching to the choir does nothing. In fact it can hurt in the long run. Now anytime Michael Moore makes a film, the right will never even hear it. Does that really benefit anyone? What we need is a dialogue, and a bunch of lefties patting themselves on the back in college towns and farmer’s markets doesn’t do that. Can you imagine what Restrepo would have been if the filmmakers had a clear opposition to the war? Or if they wholeheartedly supported it? It wouldn’t have been this amazing, unbiased view of the stark realities of the war in Afghanistan, I can tell you that regardless of your personal opinions of the war, that film accurately shows you what they went through. Even the filmmakers who are getting shot at. One of the filmmakers for Restrepo was killed in 2011 while documenting the conflict in Libya. Yeah I’d like to see Michael Moore making snarky comments during a firefight. He doesn’t even have the stones to put himself in that position to honestly see what they experienced. I also doubt he could handle being in the background and looked at as a nuisance. Has Michael Moore ever changed his opinion on something midway through making a film because of what he was uncovering about the subject?

Preaching to the choir also breeds backlash films, which only add to the propaganda noise that we all have to wade through. An objective filmmaker documents the subject versus shoehorning personal views. Bill Maher’s Religulous is another example of a personal agenda fueling the film. Which, as I have stated, is not a documentary. I like Bill’s TV show very much and agree with many of his views, but Religulous is just an excuse for him to say that anyone who subscribes to organized religion is an idiot. I was not offended by this film because I do not subscribe to organized religion. It just is not a documentary.

America is so polarized right now that we don’t need more of it. Everything is not black and white or red and blue. A good doc shows us the shades of grey that are the reality of most situations and uses this grey to knock down the audience’s preconceived ideas.

Some of the best docs are ones where the filmmakers set out to capture a slice of life and in the middle of shooting a crazy turn of events happens. It is here that the filmmaker is confronted with how to try and tell this story. A great example of this is the film Collapse. Director Chris Smith was doing research for a screenplay about the CIA’s involvement with drug smuggling in the 1980’s. He interviewed Michael Ruppert, an investigative reporter and former LA cop. Ruppert’s stirring and scarily accurate predictions about the current economic crisis and the bleak road we are on, unless we change, spawned the doc Collapse. Great film, because it was not what the filmmakers were expecting to make, and then it brought us into the world of a person that most would not have known.

And whether you agree with Ruppert’s views or not, he is a compelling interview and therefore this is a good film. The filmmakers don’t judge Ruppert with some “what a nut job” smirk. They show who he is, what he believes, and did research to back it up. When a doc filmmaker shows the subjects in contempt or even “look at these stupid freaks,” it always bothers me.

I don’t need to watch the underbelly of humanity to feel good about myself. I actually like getting inspired by people who had to overcome some extremely difficult set of circumstances to pursue what they are passionate about. In the film Afghan Star, contestants in Afghanistan’s version of American Idol have to overcome death threats from the Taliban. There are two women in the final ten singers, one of whom was almost murdered for “dancing” on the show. By dancing, I mean she moved her shoulders from side to side . . . slightly. I’m not exaggerating. By Western standards, she barely moved. But in a country that is only a few years removed from Taliban rule, where singing and dancing were outlawed, it is a huge emotional ordeal. Their struggles and courage affected me on a personal level.

A typical type of doc is the recounting of a historical event. When done properly it gives us new insight, showing the viewer the personal side from the point of view of those who lived it. One example of this done right is When We Were Kings, an amazing documentary of the 1974 heavyweight championship in Zaire between legendary boxers George Foreman and Muhammad Ali. It not only shows the two fighters’ personal sides, but the relevance of the fight to the people of Zaire and the world. It won the Oscar for best doc in 1996 because the filmmaker gave us an objective view of Ali and Foreman and the political and social relevance of the 1974 fight. This is good documentary filmmaking, not ego fueled “I told ya so” Hollywood grandstanding. The expression of an opinion is different than an agenda being shoved down my throat.

Historical docs can also show us the players involved in the formation of some social phenomenon. In Stacy Peralta’s Dogtown and Z-Boys, I learned that modern skateboarding was born out of a severe drought in Southern California in the 1970’s. It was fueled by teenagers who were using empty swimming pools to push the limits of what someone could do on a skateboard. I related to this because I feel like those of us who are podcasting are on the forefront of something, and maybe twenty to thirty years from now a film will be made about a bunch of frustrated comics in LA talking into laptop microphones in garages, closets, and above 7-11’s, and it is this point in history that will be referred to as how podcasting changed everything. Or society will have collapsed and this book will be used in a fire to light up the sunless sky in a nuclear winter. Either way we will have an impact on the future.

One of the reasons why in the last ten years there has been such an explosion of remarkable docs is the changing technology. Thirty to forty years ago a filmmaker had to take 16mm film cameras and expensive, bulky sound equipment out in the field to document something or someone. The processing of the film stock and everything else made the cost of a doc not that much less than a narrative with far less profit. Now, a camera can be taken out with a good built-in mic (or just plug a mic directly into the camera) and footage can be compiled for next to nothing. Post-production is still the majority of the cost, but even that is minimized by the ever advancing technology. As cameras become smaller, better, and hold more data, this democratizing trend will continue to grow.

I am very passionate about films, especially documentaries. I know that one chapter is too short. I hope this chapter spurns some healthy discussion and even debate (as long as it is civil) on the Comedyfilmnerds.com message boards. I love hearing your thoughts and recommendations about docs that I have not seen. I know firsthand what an emotional experience making a documentary can be. I only ask that if you are planning to embark on that intense, life-changing journey, that you be as objective as possible. Try, as difficult as it is, to leave your ego outside the edit bay and document the subject and its participants as equally as you can. For it is in this honesty that pure filmmaking lives and you will have contributed to art in its most noble form, which is to bring humanity together.

THE TEN BEST DOCUMENTARIES

1. Restrepo (2010)

Two filmmakers spend a year with a combat platoon in the deadliest valley in Afghanistan. Best doc about the war in Afghanistan to date.

2. Born Into Brothels: Calcutta’s Red Light Kids (2004)

Both heartbreaking and inspirational tale of young girls in India who are facing the long odds of not becoming prostitutes.

3. Riding Giants (2004)

History of big wave surfing. Jaw dropping 70 foot waves, and the men who pioneered the sport. Directed by Stacy Peralta, who did Dogtown and Z-Boys.

4. The Fog of War (2003)

Candid and eye opening interview with former Secretary of Defense Robert MacNamara. Great explanation about the Vietnam War and the lessons learned.

5. The King of Kong (2007)

Donkey Kong record is challenged by a school teacher from Washington in an epic Nerd battle!

6. When We Were Kings (1996)

Tells the story of what lead up the 1974 championship fight between heavyweight champ George Foreman and challenger Muhammad Ali in Zaire. This doc floats like a butterfly.

7. The Kid Stays in the Picture (2002)

Visually inventive doc about Hollywood mega producer Robert Evans and his life of success, scandal, sex, tragedy, and ultimate infamy.

8. Afghan Star (2009)

Would you enter a singing contest on TV if the Taliban wanted to kill you? These folks did.

9. Hearts of Darkness: A Filmmaker’s Apocalypse (1991)

The behind the scenes story of the insanity that it took to make a film, and how it nearly killed Francis Ford Coppola. Greatest doc ever about what a filmmaker goes through.

10. Hoop Dreams (1994)

Amazing story about inner city kids trying to get out with basketball. Both uplifting and tragic.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

The Endless Summer (1966)

Classic surf doc and I had to mention it so Mike Schmidt would get off my back.

Waiting for Superman (2010)

A wakeup call for the school system in the US. Gut wrenching with a glimmer of hope.

Inside Job (2010)

Explains the 2008 financial meltdown and how Wall Street runs the politics in the US. The reason I’m an independent.

The Kids are Alright (1979)

The Who, not lesbians. A great look into a great band.

Capturing the Friedmans (2003)

This film makes you want to cry/kill. Learning about a “normal” middle class family where it is revealed that the dad was involved with child pornography.

Super High Me (2007)

C’mon I had to put this in somewhere. I was in it and Doug Benson was bellyaching about it in the foreword.

THE TEN WORST DOCUMENTARIES

1. Religulous (2008)

Bill Maher’s soapbox, not a documentary. Snooze.

2. Glen or Glenda (1953)

While more of a docudrama, it still belongs here because Ed Wood tried really hard to show that cross-dressers have simple lives. It’s semi-autobiographical, and unwatchable.

3. Psychiatry: An Industry of Death (2006)

Scientology wing nuts made a movie. Good for them! Now go check your E-meter.

4. Perez Hilton: Gossip Queen (2006)

Top five people who I do not give a shit about.

5. Justin Bieber: Never Say Never (2011)

I feel sorry for this kid when he looks back at that haircut 20 years from now.

6. The Truck Farmer (1954)

Two kids spend a summer on a dairy farm in a creepy way. Also shows Salinas Valley to be on the California/Mexico border when it is in Northern California.

7. Catching Trouble (1936)

This 1936 classic has a “nature lover,” along with his Indian sidekick who chases a bobcat, bags rattlesnakes, and ties up two bear cubs! I’m surprised he didn’t throw garbage on the ground and make his sidekick cry.

8. The Undefeated (2011)

Sarah Palin documentary. If this appeals to you, please hit yourself in the face with this book.

9. Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed (2008)

Ben Stein takes on science and reason in an effort to promote Intelligent Design and Creationism. Someone clearly won Ben Stein’s money.

10. Fred: The Movie (2000)

Here is the story of a simple preacher Fred Phelps. Who happens to be a convicted felon and goes around America yelling at gays with his cult. It will make you want to get a sniper rifle.

FILM SCHOOL
CLASSICS

By Chris Mancini

I don’t know about you, but when someone starts a sentence with “Oh, you HAVE to see . . .” I immediately tune out and become annoyed. OK, I’m constantly annoyed anyway, so that’s no real change. I don’t like being told what to like, I guess is what it boils down to. Even if you’re right, and it’s something I would absolutely love, I am now already suspicious. Do you work for The Criterion Collection? Who are you texting right now as you recommend movies to me?

Remember all those classic books you HAD to read in school? They sucked, right? Well, guess what? They are actually . . . classics. Brave New World, 1984, The Martian Chronicles, and even Animal Farm are pretty cool if you’re not told you HAVE to read them. If you discover them on your own or if you reread them without having a report due that sends you scurrying to buy CliffsNotes or access Wikipedia, then you can actually relax and enjoy them.

Film is often the same way, especially in film school but with the pretentiousness jacked up to 11. I remember sitting in film theory class watching Koyaanisqatsi and thinking “what the fuck?!” Life out of balance. Yeah, I got it. Brilliant. Brilliant music by Phillip Glass. I’m sure it helped him get the job for Candyman.

While some classic films do indeed deserve the title of classic, others do not. Even if I discovered some of these less than classic films on my own, I’m pretty sure I would not have enjoyed them. My film teacher seemed to really enjoy Meshes in the Afternoon. Me, not so much. But I will say, I am not a huge fan of experimental film. I think it’s an excuse for taking large amounts of hallucinogens and then filming what’s in your “brain,” and it teaches you nothing about filmmaking. “You mean I can do whatever I want and be celebrated by four to six people who pretend to get it? Sign me up!” It would be like watching nothing but the second halves of Hal Hartley’s films.

Some movies are supposed to be good for you, but are they good? Well, it’s subjective. Sometimes. The truth is some are good and some are not, no matter what people wearing berets tell you. It has nothing to do with the year, budget, or studio. Like any other medium, it’s all about what the artist is trying to show you and how well they succeed.

Ultimately whether it’s indie, classic, or a popcorn “studio” film it doesn’t matter who funds or distributes them. There is either a pride in the filmmaking or there isn’t. Does a filmmaker take the time to immerse you in the language of film, or does he make Batman IV and concentrate on skintight costumes and ass shots?

With early film, there was always pride in the filmmaking, even if it was pure propaganda like Triumph of the Will or Battleship Potemkin. The medium was too new. Cynicism needed time to grow and blossom. Finally it germinated to completion in Big Mommas: Like Father Like Son and Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.

But let’s turn the clock back. Back before texting, Call of Duty deathmatches, and frenemies. There is a purity and excitement in old, classic films. You can feel it when you see them. It was new. Artists couldn’t wait to explore all of what this new medium had to offer. They couldn’t wait to thrill, shock, make them laugh, and most importantly just entertain audiences in a new way.

When you go back to the beginning, you can actually witness the birth of genres in classic film. The Great Train Robbery (1903) was arguably the first narrative film ever made, and a western. But you could also count Méliès’s short films as the first narrative films if you really want to get all film history nerdy. A Trip to the Moon and Metropolis gave birth to science fiction in film. M, about the police’s failure to catch a child killer and how they get help from the criminal underworld, showed the blueprint for psychological thrillers. Aren’t you curious now?

Older, classic films connect us to actual history as well as film history in a way no other medium can. Sometimes I’ll be amazed at what Los Angeles used to look like as I watch a Three Stooges short, or how everyone used to dress in Double Indemnity. It brings a whole new facet to the experience. You can watch Nanook of the North and marvel at not only how Inuit Eskimos used to survive, but how difficult it must have been just to get the footage in 1922.

However, this brings us to a new problem when trying to enjoy early, classic films. It’s an interesting phenomenon when you watch older movies. They are often slower paced, in black and white, and can be subtitled. Unfortunately, at this point in our culture, our brains have moved on. Faster, more colorful, and I don’t want to wait. Now, Now, Now! Our empty, Twitter driven society has made us all teenagers looking for a fight or an orgasm, as long as it doesn’t take too long and we’re not inconvenienced. I’m guilty of it too. I check the email on my iPhone WAY too often. I’m doing it right now.

So what happens when you put an older film in your DVD player? After trying to figure out which aspect ratio to put your flat screen TV on, watch the opening of Duck Soup or The General. It doesn’t process right away. Too slow! This is when you need to take a deep breath and let the film bring you back in time and slowly win you over. After a little while, you won’t even be aware of it, but suddenly your brain will slow down, substance may actually get in, and it will click. You will be richly rewarded from your eyes all the way to your brain hole.

It’s kind of like watching a Shakespeare play. At first I’m always like “What the hell are they talking about?!” But as the rhythm and the dialogue nuances begin to wash over you it clicks. You know Macbeth is fucking nuts and you can’t wait to see who he’s going to kill next. It’s like that with classic film. Give your brain time to slow down and adjust.

For instance, if you watch any of Ingmar Bergman’s “faith” trilogy, Through a Glass Darkly, Winter Light, and The Silence, you really have to give them a chance to bring you into their worlds. First off, it’s not really a trilogy, they are separate films but share some common themes. Mostly, well . . . faith. But they also deal deeply with existentialism, faith, a loss of faith, and in Through a Glass Darkly, thinking God is a giant spider hiding behind a door. And that’s not even in the weirdest one—that’s The Silence, which features little people, a train, sex, and ultimately emptiness. It’s very Swedish.

Yet despite the bleak, confined settings, the slow pace, the dense dialogue (which will require a lot of reading if you don’t speak Swedish), as the movies wash over you, you realize there is A LOT going on, being said both overtly and subtextually, and the movies begin to layer themselves before your very eyes. Every time you watch these films you’ll notice something you haven’t noticed before.

Admittedly Ingmar Bergman is one of my favorite filmmakers, and The Seventh Seal is one of my favorite movies ever, which deals with death, a chess playing knight but ultimately is about man’s place and purpose in the universe. As I was watching it, my wife walked in and there was a goofy scene in a tavern. I told her I was watching one of the best movies ever made. She just looked at me like I was nuts. Not film snob nuts, actually nuts. I realized she was seeing this film completely out of context. She was just seeing a goofy black and white tavern scene, reading subtitles, and it didn’t resonate at all. The film didn’t get the chance to wash over her and bring her into its world. If you see Terminator 2 during the chase through the LA river, it’s a much different “out of context” experience. You are engaged instantly. It doesn’t have to “win you over.” But older films need that chance.

Oh, and Seventh Seal gets parodied in Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey, which sounds awful but is actually hilarious, especially if you’ve seen Bergman’s film. Maybe it’s just me, but I think we need more parodies of Swedish existential crisis movies in our American broad comedies. And . . . just me. OK.

But to truly have an appreciation of film as the unique art form that it is, you have to dig deep and go back. Back to the classics. They are classics for a reason, and they will give you a better understanding of modern films as well. Casablanca deftly shifted genres and surprised audiences . . . in 1942. Was it a romance? A thriller? A political drama? Yes. You can see its influence on modern film, all the way to Children of Men. Watch Seven Samurai, and see its influence on everything from The Magnificent Seven to A Bug’s Life. If you watch The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari you’ll swear Tim Burton was the production designer . . . in 1920. And Akira Kurosawa’s Hidden Fortress inspired George Lucas to imagine Star Wars.

The real “film school in a movie” classic is of course Citizen Kane by Orson Welles. Rumored to be loosely based on the life of William Randolph Hearst, every shot tells a story, every scene speaks volumes without anyone uttering a word. It’s not exactly a flattering story. In fact, when I toured Hearst Castle in California, we were showed a screening room where Hearst would screen movies for his guests. I asked if Citizen Kane was ever screened there. The tour guide said no, and gave me a look that expressed her frustration at constantly having to answer that question, and that it’s wrong to bring it up inside Hearst Castle. See? Subtext. Although I can’t imagine that you’d be that upset over a movie if you lived in a fucking castle.

One of the annoying things with classic films is that sometimes people create a controversy where none exists. Have you ever gotten dragged into a discussion about the difference between a “film” and a “movie” with one of your idiot friends? There is no difference. That’s the difference between a “car” and an “automobile.” Movies are either “bad” or “good” for many, many different reasons. End of story.

You don’t have to be a film snob to enjoy classic movies, especially ones that challenge you, and possibly even challenge you to sit through it. You don’t have to love Jean-Luc Godard and hate Brett Ratner. Well, you don’t have to LOVE Brett Ratner, but the first Rush Hour was entertaining. All film can teach you something about the medium, good or bad.

I remember learning so much about film from watching unlikely “teaching” films with my film professors. The first was Aliens. We went through various scenes and discussed F-stops, matching action, dollying, and when you are slowing down or speeding up frame rates for effect. It was incredible. The next film I learned from a guest professor, who toured different schools, was Risky Business. He went through everything from the Freudian imagery to the names of the characters (Miles, Goodson) and how they all had a subtextual significance. Remember the jeweled egg? Sans pants dancing? Indeed. I doubt when I watched it for the first time I knew I was also watching a satire with a Freudian subtext, but there it was.

The more movies and different types of movies you see, the more you will develop a deeper appreciation for the art form. Certain movies can teach you about movies just by watching them. If the DVD has commentary, even better. (A benefit over streaming.) The first one I ever listened to was Terry Gilliam on Time Bandits. Odd choice, I know, but something as simple as Terry Gilliam’s commentary on Time Bandits can give you remarkable insight into the art of filmmaking as he explains how his protagonist Kevin’s mundane life connects with the fantastic worlds he visits. He even explains the focus testing for the end of the film when (spoiler alert) his parents blow up. It’s fascinating, so check it out.

It’s not that everything made more sense after hearing the commentary. It’s more like I was more consciously aware of another layer to the film which was present in everything from the set design to the ending. I felt like I was getting a peek behind the curtain, and it made me enjoy the film even more.

There are many film school classic “teaching movies” out there (The Graduate, 2001: A Space Odyssey, The Godfather, The Jazz Singer, The Grapes of Wrath, etc.) and they are often amazing, which is kind of the point. DVD commentaries are like getting a special look into the filmmaking process and the creative choices that were made. Chinatown gets mentioned in Robert McKee’s screenwriting book Story so many times he should owe Robert Towne and Roman Polanski a royalty.

No appreciation of film is complete without a trip into the cinematic time machine. There are so many classic films it would take years just to see half of them. They are a window into our past and often even point to our future. They will bring you into their worlds, and you’ll be glad you came.

But I’m not one to judge. If you want to watch nothing but Twilight and Transformers then fine. It makes you a drooling idiot, but that’s your choice. If you choose to be an idiot, there’s not a lot any of us can do about it.

But if you’re not a drooling idiot, I’m sure you have recommendations of your own. You’re probably thinking about all the classic movies that you haven’t seen and also the classic movies that perhaps I haven’t seen, and you want to tell me about them. And I think that is awesome. You’re excited about a movie? That’s great. I may like it too. In fact, I probably will. But I’ll like it a little less if you tell me I HAVE to see it. So please, make a recommendation. But keep it off the syllabus.

THE TEN BEST FILM SCHOOL CLASSICS

1. Citizen Kane (1941)

Hate to go all cliché here, but it’s true. This is a film appreciation class in one movie.

2. The Seventh Seal (1957)

Ingmar Bergman’s masterpiece about faith and man’s place in the universe. Gosh, Max von Sydow looks old in this movie. He was 28.

3. Casablanca (1942)

See how a movie can genre shift flawlessly to do the one thing a movie is supposed to do: Engage the viewer and not let go, even after the credits have rolled.

4. Lawrence of Arabia (1962)

Movies just aren’t made like this anymore. Sure, it’s an epic, sweeping film, but it’s also the quiet moments that make this film a classic. Director David Lean and star Peter O’Toole show a man who was epic himself: Flawed yet with a Christ complex.

5. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)

Country bumpkin makes good, fish out of water, an indictment of our political system. Take your pick. Just as relevant today as it was in 1939.

6. The Maltese Falcon (1941)

Want to know how to make a film noir detective movie? Then study every scene of this film. This film actually crackles with hard boiled gin drinking noir-ness. John Huston and Humphrey Bogart may not have invented film noir, but together they perfected it.

7. Nanook of the North (1922)

It’s like Survivor: The Arctic! Sadly, Nanook starved to death two years after this film was made. No SAG royalties back then. Arguably the first documentary film, it is haunting and poetic, and shows the human spirit in a way documentary films will try to emulate for years to come.

8. Metropolis (1927)

They actually found the rest of this film a few years ago. There used to be cards filling in the missing scenes. You can catch the fully restored version now. It’s class warfare! With a robot!

9. Duck Soup (1933)

Technically, a movie with a plot that takes up about four minutes of screen time. It breaks all the conventional cinema rules, and it’s great. Very, very funny and for the time, satirical. (Mostly of musicals.) So see how the Marx Brothers already turned movie structure on its ear for the sake of comedy.

10. The Great Dictator (1940)

Charlie Chaplin made the first movie to criticize Hitler and it was before America entered the war. Leave it to the comedians to show us the way. It may not be his best film, but it was one he was very passionate about.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

A Trip to the Moon (1902)

The first science fiction film with short-panted ladies manning a rocket and an umbrella that kills aliens. Still a more creative script than Avatar.

Nosferatu (1922)

At first this movie doesn’t seem scary at all but as the black and white draws you in it gets creepier and creepier.

Hugo (2011) and The Artist (2011)

These two modern films tell moving stories while also celebrating the early beginnings of the motion picture. They are both fantastic.

THE MOST OVERRATED
FILM SCHOOL CLASSICS

1. Un Chien Andalou (1929)

So what’s more artsy than an eye being sliced open by a razor blade? Really?! This avant garde film features imagery that’s more annoying than surreal and more frustrating than revelatory.

2. Koyaanisqatsi (1982)

So how long is that rocket scene again? Phillip Glass put his music on “loop” for this movie. Like one long IMAX movie where you’ll be begging for the 3D.

3. Birth of a Nation (1915)

A fascinating film from an archival/historical standpoint, but not a very good film and well, the second half is very, very racist and doesn’t make any apologies for it. Wait a minute, actually it does. This was in the opening credits:

“A PLEA FOR THE ART OF THE MOTION PICTURE: We do not fear censorship, for we have no wish to offend with improprieties or obscenities, but we do demand, as a right, the liberty to show the dark side of wrong, that we may illuminate the bright side of virtue - the same liberty that is conceded to the art of the written word - that art to which we owe the Bible and the works of Shakespeare.”

4. It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)

“Dear George: Remember no man is a failure who has friends.” Actually, he’s the guy his friends keep around to make them feel better about themselves because he is such a failure. Didn’t do well at the box office upon initial release. Schmaltzy and overrated.

5. Battleship Potemkin (1925)

OK, the Odessa Steps sequence is amazing and was a huge breakthrough in the history of film, but this movie is mostly propaganda and clearly and calculatingly created to evoke emotion to forward a political agenda. Thank God none of our media does that today.

ROMANTIC COMEDIES

By Laura House

I love date movies, and the queen of all date movies is the rom-com. It’s the most boldfaced “Hey, we’re on a date!” movie around. Single guys can go years without seeing one, but once they get a girlfriend, they’re going to be eyeballing some Sandra Bullock.

I know, I just stereotyped. Which is exactly what a bad rom-com does. Not every couple is boy-girl. Not every girl likes this genre, not every boy hates it. And I apologize. BUT, let’s face it, tendencies are in that direction, and in every couple, somebody likes this genre more than the other. It’s how we survive as a species—some of us like it more romantic, and some like action. It’s evolution.

When a rom-com is done well, we laugh, we cry, we make out. That’s the triangulation of a great rom-com. Did you laugh? Did you cry? Did you make out? If you say ‘yes’ to 2 out of 3 of these questions, you just saw a good rom-com.

Did I say crying? It’s not really crying. It’s that ache. In a good rom-com, you want to feel that pull, that moment of wanting to yell, “You’re supposed to be together! Can’t you see that? What am I doing with my life?!” That last part may be more me than you.

However, that’s kind of the point of the rom-com. We see ourselves up there. We like somebody, and we’re messed up like those characters. I’m awkward like Lloyd Dobler, maybe I can get that girl out of my league. Or maybe a great guy like that—who doesn’t know he’s so great—will like me.

For me, it started with John Hughes. Sixteen Candles and Pretty in Pink escorted my impressionable self through puberty. They hit and they hit hard. Just as I was reading Seventeen magazine and kissing boys, John Hughes handed me these hormone bombs. And Breakfast Club, for that matter. AND Mr. Mom! Damn, that guy’s got my number.

With Sixteen Candles, I went in to see a comedy, and I came out believing maybe I could get my Jake Ryan. I laughed and quoted Farmer Ted and secretly hoped maybe my own Jake Ryan crush might one day see past my regular-ness and we’d make out on a table on my birthday.

Then came Say Anything. Dear lord, has a woman ever loved anyone the way I loved Lloyd Dobler? He was so specific. He was funny, adorable, and had the insight to know that kickboxing would be the sport of the future. And even though he didn’t feel good enough, he went for Jamie-Gertz-What’s-Her-Name. This flipped some lady gene in me. I tend toward tomboy qualities, but not with a good rom-com. I get all melty. And I wanted to let Lloyd know how great he was. That’s the ache, the “Can’t you see, you’re amazing!”

Pretty in Pink hit me right between the eyes. I’m an outcast, too! I’m livin’ on the wrong side of the tracks in Grand Prairie. But maybe my Andrew McCarthy is around the corner. Leave us alone, James Spader! Ooh, and sorry, Ducky, we’re just not a fit.

These movies were relevant to my young world—they were about young love (not gross old Dynasty stuff). They had flawed, interesting, specific characters, and they were funny. I could definitely get some guy to go in there with me (the ENTIRE point!).

I love rom-coms because at their best, you’re laughing, and you feel closer to the person you like at the time. You giggle and hold hands. You get some insight into love itself, and your own relationships. Romance is inspiring. And if the comedy is good, it makes it palatable. Plus, you get to make out afterwards.

With a rom-com, you come for the com, but it’s the depth of the rom that makes it work. The marriage of these two genres, the rom and the com, is crucial to the make-out community. “Rom” is great, but a straight-up romance—or, as I like to call it, the rom-dram—can be too heavy and emotionally draining. Sure, people loved Titanic (bleh) and The Notebook (yay!), but who wants to make out after that? You’ve been deeply involved, and crying. They go on forever. You go to a movie at 8:00, and get out at 11:00. Oof. You don’t want to make out after that. You just want to sleep it off.

“Com” is great, too. We all want to laugh, but straight-up comedies can be super gross. Guys, ladies don’t want to make out with you after The Hangover. Yes, she laughed and had a good time. It wasn’t a bad night. But when it’s over, her head’s full of too many unflattering images of Zach Galifianakis and Dr. Ken. Good night, call me tomorrow.

Way back when, too many people were going to movies and not getting to make out after, so the rom-com had to be born. Some enterprising moviegoer stopped and said, “I liked the movie, but you know what would make it even better? A nightcap of smooch-time.”

The fine balance of rom and com is essential. The com cannot be overlooked. Make a rom if you want. Just be sure and call it that. Don’t go calling it com when no one’s laughing. I’m talking to you, 27 Dresses. And The Ugly Truth. And Katherine Heigl, in general.

Which brings us to: A lot of rom-coms suck. That’s why people don’t want to go see them with you. It’s why guys roll their eyes when you ask them to go, and they fantasize about asking, “Can’t I just go see Die Hard 17 next door?” but they’re too scared to say it out loud.

A lot of rom-com scripts are bad. They often show us a woman who’s dying to get married, but guys don’t like her, even though she’s inevitably super hot. Then a really hot guy crosses her path, but they hate each other, and they fight for forty minutes, then they suddenly like each other and want to do it. Yuck!

I think the pitch meetings are a little something like, “Hey, these two people are good looking and hate each other! A mortician and a life coach—that’s so opposite! How will they get together?! Perfect! Women are dumb, they’ll love it!”

Good rom-com has banter and chemistry! I’m a woman. Okay, I like mushy things. Fine, you got me. BUT I STILL HAVE AN IQ!!!

A lot of rom-com casting is horrid. Here’s what Hollywood needs to do: RESPECT CHEMISTRY. Just because two people are good looking, doesn’t mean they should be making out. Yes, Matthew McConaughey is super sexy, but teaming him up with Sarah Jessica Parker? Really? Or Sarah JP with Hugh Grant? Just because she was great with Mr. Big, doesn’t mean she goes with just anybody. She does not.

How can Hollywood not notice this? They just spin a boy wheel and a girl wheel – “Who’s popular now? Go! Let’s see, Knocked Up was great, so let’s get Heigl . . . and you know who else is great? That guy from the 300! Hook ‘em up!!” Yes, I’m staring at you again, The Ugly Truth. Because you are horrible, and you represent so well what’s wrong with rom-coms: No laughter, no chemistry, no banter, no care-y, no make-y-out-y.

When rom-coms are great, you get a great couple and a great story. And fun lines to quote. “I’ll have what she’s having.” You know what it’s from. “But that would leave me with one.” Again, you know it, because these are great, funny moments in funny, great movies. There was banter and chemistry and nuance.

You know how you know there’s great chemistry? Because these people make no sense. Do you want to make out with Billy Crystal? No. No one does. Or Liza Minnelli? Zero takers.

And even though he was cute, no one was taking down posters of Tom Cruise and putting up posters of Dudley Moore. No one. But Dudley and Liza had chemistry. It just worked.

A good rom-com can uplift the lead to some version of sexy. Again, I give you Billy Crystal. No one wants to make out with Mr. Saturday Night, but as Harry in When Harry Met Sally, he somehow works. While we’re at it, I also give you, Seth Rogan. There is nothing appealing about that guy, but I want to make out with him real bad. Don’t pretend you didn’t get a little mice in the basement for Paul Giamatti in Sideways. Because you did.

Romantic comedies are evolving. Sort of. There’s a new type of rom-com lately. What I call the Com-Rom. The rom-com started out, classic, like Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy. There was romance, coupled with barb and banter. But more and more, there are com-roms, where the comedy comes first, like Bridesmaids, The Wedding Singer, 50 First Dates—well, almost any Adam Sandler “rom-com.”

And Forgetting Sarah Marshall—this is ALL about getting back with the girl, but still, what you’re left with primarily is laughs. Judd Apatow movies like Knocked Up and The 40-Year-Old Virgin hit the comedy hard, too, but the story is so strong, it’s hard to say what’s most prevalent. Both the rom and com are strong in Apatow’s films. I’ve got two words for that: Thank you.

That’s the mark of a truly great rom-com, you don’t know what you liked more, the romance or the comedy. It mixes magically, like the couple you’re watching. Okay, that’s a cheeseball way to say it, but it’s true. There’s something inexplicably great about a great rom-com. Why is it funny? It just is. Why do we root for these people? We just do.

Heroes of the Genre

There are some significant heroes of the genre, who are charming enough that they conjure believable chemistry with whomever they’re paired. Let’s face it, Sandra Bullock is Queen of the Rom Com. She’s the butt of a lot of jokes because of all the, well, “Sandra Bullock Movies” she’s done. But she does them well. There’s a strength to her. She doesn’t play idiots (minus All About Steve.) And she’s beautiful, but not particularly glamorous, so we can buy her as a regular person. No one else can do what Sandra does. You couldn’t throw Nicole Kidman into The Proposal; she’s not as likeable. Sandra was great with Bill Pullman in While You Were Sleeping, Hugh Grant in Two Weeks Notice, Ryan Reynolds in The Proposal, and even Tate Donovan in Love Potion No. 9. That’s quite a range.

Meg Ryan is also great. Not now Meg Ryan, but then Meg Ryan. Pitch perfect. Yes, in When Harry Met Sally she was completely charming. She fell apart in just the right way. She was sincerely vulnerable and authentically funny. And, yes, Sleepless in Seattle. But did you see Joe Versus the Volcano? She’s awesome with Tom Hanks. Utterly watchable. And she plays three roles!

Tom Hanks. Duh. Why is it that I can root for this guy to fall in love with anyone? It goes way back to Donna Dixon in his Bosom Buddies days, frankly.

Marilyn Monroe. She’s an exception to my “too good looking” rule because she was still incredibly charming and actually funny in movies. She was practically comically good looking. Like, she was so attractive, it seemed cartoonish. Not like something you see in real life. It just worked.

Steve Carrell of The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Dan in Real Life, and The Office. With Steve Carrell, all the comedy is there, obviously. He’s one of those “it would be funny if he read the phone book” people, but he plays his roles with such pathos, such vulnerability, that it’s charming. Always funny, but also always sweet. It’s hot. There, I said it. Steve Carrell is hot. Even in Date Night a little. Damn. I should get out more.

Steve Martin. Playing ukulele to his real life lady friend, Bernadette Peters, in The Jerk. Going all Cyrano in Roxanne. L.A. Story with his at that time real life lady friend. And It’s Complicated. He was charming, and he’s a weird one, because when you watch him, it’s like, “Why am I feeling all tender about that old guy?” It’s the magic of the rom-com. Make out with your boyfriend, but think about Steve.

Rom-com Poopersteins

There are some actors who they keep cramming into rom-coms, and they just don’t belong there. Yes, you, Gerard Butler. I’m not saying don’t do movies. For God’s sake, take off your shirt and be filmed. But comedy? Don’t insult my funny bone.

I’m also talking to you, Gwenyth Paltrow. Ugh. Who thinks she is funny? What has she said or done to make you laugh ever? Tell me ONE thing. One!!! I’m not saying don’t do movies, do all the Sliding Doors you want. Sing Country Strong, I’m not stopping you. But, STAY OUTTA MY GENRE!!!!!

Matt McConaughey was great in Dazed and Confused, because he was just playing a weirdo. But when he’s in rom-coms, he just struts around like “Aren’t I so good looking, who wouldn’t fall for me?” He comes off as stuck up and greasy. You know who’s sexier than him in a rom-com? John Candy.

There has been a lot of information here about the romantic comedy. I know it can be overwhelming. But there is really only one critical component of what makes a great rom-com. It’s not about casting or direction or even story. Great rom-coms don’t need big stars or big budgets. All that really matters is: at the end of the movie, are you making out? Rom-coms are great date movies and great dates culminate in make-out sessions. The formula is just that simple. Am I any closer to being the Mayor of Make Out City? If yes, then that’s a great rom-com.

THE TEN BEST ROMANTIC COMEDIES

These rom-coms got it right. We laughed, we cried, and we made out with somebody afterward.

1. When Harry Met Sally (1989)

If you’re not making out after this movie, you’re dead inside.

2. Annie Hall (1977)

This is the kind of rom-com smart people make out to.

3. The Princess Bride (1987)

This is the sweetest, bestest, greatest rom-com set in old-timey times ever. A great starter rom-com. Give it to all the 13-15 year olds you know.

4. Say Anything (1989)

When I play it back in my head, it’s a Lloyd Dobler montage. Every woman wants to be loved like he loved what’s-her-name. Not like Joe loved (he lies when he cries).

5. Sixteen Candles (1984) and Pretty in Pink (1986)

Molly Ringwald taught an entire generation of us how to love. Sure, we’re 40 and single, but still.

6. Arthur (1981)

There is magic about Dudley & Liza that defies logic. The mark of a great rom-com! You’ll be quoting lines to each other mid-makeout.

7. Groundhog Day (1993)

Bill Murray gets to be completely charming. After, she will make out with you, but she’ll be thinking of him.

8. Knocked Up (2007)

What trumps Heigl? Apatow, Rogan, Paul Rudd & Leslie Mann! Plus, this is a great, bold premise because it happens all the time and no one talks about it.

9. Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961)

It just seemed like some kind of older film should be on the list and this is about as far back as I go. Audrey Hepburn’s charm still holds up.

10. Joe Versus the Volcano (1990)

Is Tom Hanks on my list? Yeah, in this! He had a brain cloud, people. A brain cloud! THAT’S how charming he is. You love him brain cloud and all.

THE TEN WORST ROMANTIC
COMEDY STINK-A-ROOS

1. The Ugly Truth (2009)

The really ugly truth is: Just because “Hot It Actor 1” and “Hot It Actor 2” are available, it doesn’t mean they’ll make a great rom-com.

2. 27 Dresses (2008)

Annoying “But I want to marry him!” premise almost never works. It provokes lady-cringe.

3. Life as We Know It (2010)

Katherine Heigl is ruining the genre!

4. My Best Friend’s Wedding (1997)

“But I want to marry him!” Well, you’re immature and you can’t, so stop it. See number 2.

5. Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988)

Partly bad because the first was so good. Partly bad because of everything else about it. I do like the subtitle of “On the Rocks” though.

6. All About Steve (2009)

Sandra Bullock plays an obsessed lunatic. This is what a lot of rom-coms look like to a lot of guys, btw.

7. Mr. Wrong (1996)

Honestly, this goes in the “so bad it’s good” category. Bill Pullman gets coupled up with . . . Ellen DeGeneres.

8. The Beautician and the Beast (1997)

A testament to the time—that’s how popular Fran Drescher was. She got a rom-com with JAMES BOND!

9. Did You Hear About the Morgans? (2009)

I heard they suck. What have you heard about them?

10. Sexes and the Cities 1 and 2. (2008, 2010)

Sex and the City was terrible. Sex and the City 2 took seriously the challenge to try to out-terrible it. Why take great TV characters, give them a movie, and make them impossible jerks?

THE ONE ROMANTIC COMEDY
PEOPLE LOVE AND SHOULDN’T

Pretty Woman (1990)

People loved it, but they were wrong. She was a hooker, and that’s disgusting. You’re either a hooker or you’re not, and they took that weird route of “Well, she’s a hooker, but hasn’t really gotten started yet, so you can still like her.” No. There’s nothing to root for here. Isn’t it great, she’s a hooker, then she ended up with this rich guy? Um, that’s what hookers do, go after rich guys. So don’t act like this is some great thing.

And just for fun . . .

THE TOP TEN GREAT FAKE
COUPLES OF ALL TIME

1. Spencer Tracy & Katharine Hepburn

2. Tom Hanks & Meg Ryan

3. Chevy Chase & Goldie Hawn

4. Michael Cera & Ellen Page

5. Andrew McCarthy & Molly Ringwald

6. Adam Sandler & Drew Barrymore

7. Rob Lowe & Demi Moore

8. Audrey Hepburn & Gregory Peck

9. Rock Hudson & Doris Day

10. You and Your Date—the real couple of the rom-com

COPS AND ROBBERS

By Graham Elwood

Cops and robbers are two sides of the same coin, which goes to explain why we watch these films in awe and always ask ourselves what lines would we cross to make money or protect our families. The coin of good and evil gets blurry and dirty. I love films of this genre because, for me, they are more than just entertainment. They are the guidebook of do’s and don’ts for living.

I grew up in the liberal utopia college town of Madison, Wisconsin. Hippies and cheese, you couldn’t beat it. Then my parents got divorced and my brother and I moved with my mom to Chicago. I was a twelve-year-old latchkey kid with an eye for mischief in a city run by graft and mobsters, where a cop once told my brother, who was yelling out a car window after Fourth of July fireworks in Grant Park, “Shut the fuck up before I jam this night stick up your ass!” Such a difference from nice block party, white, liberal Madison.

In Chicago, I listened to rap music, jazz, and blues, and figured out which gangs controlled which neighborhood. I vividly remember having dinner one night with some of my sister’s boyfriend’s family at a pizza place full of Italian guys with tinted glasses and wide-collared suits. I recall a check never being dropped and several guys stepping outside to talk about “a thing.” The dad, who said he worked in construction, asked my brother if he wanted him to talk to my brother’s football coach and maybe “help out” with getting my brother in the starting lineup. Wise beyond his years, my brother said, “No thank you, sir.”

We were liberal kids living in Evanston, IL, a suburb that had been integrated since the end of the Civil War. A couple of Ethan Hawkes on our first Training Day with Denzel Washington. Evanston was unlike the other suburbs of the North Shore. It was Chicago’s half brother with its big houses and the gangs. Imagine a classy mom and a mobbed up dad. Like Robert Duvall’s character in The Godfather, who went to good schools and could slim jim a car after a bar fight and not get locked up because the precinct shift commander is a buddy. If Madison gave me optimism, Chicago put the dark skeptic in my belly. It made for good stories and a healthy distrust. Like Shaft’s uneasy relationship with “The Man.”

When I dated a girl in one of the wealthier suburbs to the north of Evanston I saw the difference. I felt like Henry Hill in Goodfellas, trying to pay cash at the country club while some Izod wearing pussy tries to make me look bad. I only wish I had pistol-whipped him on the front lawn of his nice house and then took the city bus back to my mom’s apartment.

When I broke up with the private school girl I explained we came from different places and it wouldn’t work. Like the adoption clerk in Thief, James Caan asks, “Where you from lady, the suburbs? Well I was state raised!”

It was in the city of big shoulders that my education both on the street and in the theater began. I would take the “L” to see films and visit Video Sonic, the first VHS movie rental store that opened up in the Rogers Park neighborhood of Chicago’s north side. Buying a VCR was like getting the keys to a secret vault. I remember watching all the films I was too young to see when they were in the theaters. Like Dustin Hoffman trying to toe the line as an ex-con in Straight Time. Or smalltime hustlers making their way in Mean Streets. I was drawn to these films because they were gritty and real. These films reflected the city I was living in and my new post-divorce life. Not only did I find out Santa Claus didn’t exist, he had a coke habit and had to pawn off some of the reindeer to cover his gambling debts. Cops and mobster films spoke to me about a new way of living. A life of survival and choices. Which road to go down and why. Any path I choose is going to have graft and hypocrisy since the rose-colored glasses from my youth were sold at a yard sale along with my army men and Big Wheel. My youth was over and I was being raised on the screen and in the kickback cobbled thoroughfares of the windy city.

Keep the machine running and everybody, and I mean everybody, gets a taste. Just a little to wet my beak like the Black Hand in The Godfather: Part II. A little grease makes the wheels run. Get outta line and a night stick in the can will straighten you out. It’s a cold, tough city that shines like a brand new car off the lot. Just don’t scratch it or a pillowcase full of soda cans will rain down on your thick fat skull á la Sean Penn in Bad Boys. Another Chi-town cautionary tale. I was born with Midwestern values and lived in a town where everyone is a little corrupt. It was where I was schooled, and why I love gangster and cop movies so much.

Worlds are intertwined, sometimes to the point where you can’t tell them apart. Like the mean ol’ Mick cop who punched Michael Corleone’s mouth shut, then gets one in the bean over a plate of pasta. I got a taste of the underworld and all of its allure. Plus a healthy fear that ultimately kept me away. Like when I spent a night in a Chicago jail for drunk and disorderly on St. Patrick’s Day. Nothing teaches you quicker than a 9×12 cold hard grey cell. That is the appeal of these films. We are drawn in by the glitzy power right up until we see the horrifying underbelly that their world is built on. It is at that moment that we scream for the police to save us from the boogie man, because shit just got a little too real. I felt like Johnny Depp staying undercover just a little too long in Donnie Brasco. Al Pacino said he played his character in Brasco like a Willie Loman mobster. Brilliant.

Can you even tell the difference between the cops and gangsters in the great film Thief? When I think of Chicago in the early 1980’s, I always picture Thief. The streets were always wet, and El Dorados and Bonnevilles rode over the glossy asphalt with some leather jacket wearing tough guy driving. This Michael Mann classic took place in Chicago, and featured great actors like Robert Prosky along with a slew of Chi-town actors like Dennis Farina, who was even a former Chicago cop. Farina was also great as a windy city mobster in Midnight Run, one of the funniest cops and robber films ever made. Suzy Nakamura mentions it in the comedy chapter but I just had to bring it up here because it showed how a cop (Robert DeNiro) did the right thing and lost his job. Charles Grodin stole money from bad people and was running for his life. Yes, it was a comedy, but with the same ordeals that all cop and mobster films have—a blurry line between who is good and bad. Like the bank executive in Scarface. He is the biggest crook in the whole film, but because he does it with a three-piece suit and “laws,” instead of coke and guns, he is a respectable member of society. God only knows what creepy shit that stiff has in his beach house.

What I am saying is what Michael Corleone said to the shifty politician at the Lake Tahoe estate in Godfather II, “Senator, we are a part of the same hypocrisy.” And if you think you are not, then you wake up with a dead hooker and some new friends. Every time I would think that being a gangster was glamorous, sexy, and cool, I would be reminded how truly horrible that world is. Watching two guys joke about a man they just killed over a plate of ziti in Goodfellas was the slap in the face my wannabe young hustler self needed. Having someone offer to “take care” of a guy that was bothering my girlfriend in Chicago was another sobering point. If I said yes to the “I’ve got a number you can call” offer that was given, my life would be in a very different place right now. I feel like I know what the young boy in Animal Kingdom, one of the finest crime family movies in recent years, was going through. Loyalty vs. the right thing.

Another theme of cops and robbers films is how many criminals had very little choice. They had to steal or they didn’t eat. The only way for a young Vito Corleone to stop the squeeze from the friendly neighborhood extortionist is to load up his white suit full of lead because he couldn’t face his wife and sick infant son if he came through the door with empty pockets. The Departed tells us that you have two career options in Boston: Gangster or cop (unless you can sing and dance, then start a boy band). And there is very little difference. The only way for Tony Montana to get a green card and out of the refugee camp under a Miami freeway was to kill a Castro sympathizer. The genre makes you wonder what you would do if put in that position. Like the young Arab convict in a French prison in the movie A Prophet, he did what he had to do to survive. It’s like The Shawshank Redemption with good wine and baguettes.

“I am the last guy in the world you want to fuck with,” says James Caan in Thief. Like a gunfighter, he makes his point clear, direct, and brief. For in the underworld, these are the rules. Try to fuck me, bullet in the face. Give me my money that I stole fair and square. There’s a code that seems on the surface as iron clad, but when back alley angling is done by brains soaked with cheap whiskey and greed, there’s no honor among thieves. Who’s gonna get fucked and how? Turn into a blackmailed lap dog? Or one in the ear on a carpet covered in plastic.

Sometimes mobsters get out and sometimes they die face down in a bloody fountain in their own mansion as cocaine slowly falls like snow on their bullet-ridden body. I know this ending. Some of the guys I went to high school with ended this way. Others went to Ivy League schools. A kid I would ride the city bus to school with, ended face down in an alley with one in the back of the skull . . . gangland style. Which would explain why, in my early twenties, having a landlord that also was a bookmaker didn’t seem out of the ordinary to me. And why I like argyle.

But that doesn’t mean we don’t root for the good guy. We still relate to the good, honest cop who is trying to make a difference in a miserable world. Can the world even understand what a big city cop has to go through? Like the well-dressed review panel Callahan has to deal with in The Enforcer? These cops get the ugliest face of human behavior punched into their eyes like a can of mace. Can the laws written by nice people in suits under the soft lamp of civilized thinking even begin to address the hard, tormented reality of the street? Treat Williams in Prince of the City doesn’t think so.

Laws are not drawn up near dumpsters with dirty needles and rats, but in mahogany trimmed board rooms where the marble gleams with the light of noble intentions. Rarely do these coincide with the gun toting men who are charged with the task of enforcing them. They are the offensive linemen of society. Nobody buys their jersey. People just yell at them when they are offsides. But without him everything will collapse! When I was an offensive guard I did whatever I could to block the other guy. So I can empathize with Inspector Harry Callahan and his methods. I love it when Callahan is still chewing his hot dog as he blows away punks who think they can steal from a bank during the middle of the day in San Francisco. Dirty Harry you had me at “do you feel lucky?” Real cops couldn’t catch the Zodiac killer, but Harry blew that scumbag into a pond, then followed up by throwing his badge into the same pond, because he too knows that the rules of “decent” society are a myth that pretty people in big houses talk about over tea. The badge means nothing if the man wearing it is restrained by do-gooder public officials. I hosted basic cable game shows. So I know about being restricted by suits who won’t let me be too mean to stupid contestants. I feel your pain, Harry.

Get your man by any means at your disposal. The criminals aren’t playing fair so why should Popeye Doyle? He goes to any length to catch the drug dealer in The French Connection. The first glimpse at a cop that wasn’t Dragnet perfect. Drugs don’t come into Popeye’s city. Fear rules the streets and officer Doyle doles it out like cotton candy at some low rent white trash amusement park.

Put this in your mouth and like it. The world weary cop knows he’s pushing the edge because he likes the view. And could easily jump over. Like every character in Narc. They walk the line and cross it just enough to get their guy. Sometimes that comes in the form of 100 mph car chases like Steve McQueen in Bullitt. In the 60’s and 70’s is when the apple pie myth came crumbling down and these films reflected it.

I thought about joining the criminal element that I was exposed to as a teen in the city of big shoulders, and I thought about enforcing the law to protect the weak. Who would I be? Michael Corleone, who protects his family at all costs? Or if I chose to be a cop, what kind? Dirty Harry, Popeye Doyle, or would I fight corruption from the inside like Serpico? These cop films spoke to me about doing what is right even when it is unpopular. When standing up actually costs you your job and money, but you do it because you swore an oath. I don’t co-host a podcast because it makes me rich. I do it because I like garages with gargoyles. We all make sacrifices.

However, because of my stark reality and of all the cops and mobster films I eagerly consumed during my formative years, I chose to tell jokes to drunks in clubs run by cokeheads and money launderers. So I really got out and sought a different life. I hope you like this chapter and book, cause if you don’t I would hate for you to have an “accident” or get brought in for some “questioning” with a phone book. You can go easy or hard, your choice.

I leave you with two quotes that sum up the criminal life. As Paul Newman says to Tom Hanks in Road to Perdition, “There are only murderers in this room.” And Ice Cube in Boyz n the Hood, “It’s like they don’t know, don’t show or don’t care about what’s going on in the hood.”

THE TEN BEST COPS AND ROBBERS FILMS

1. The Godfather: Part I and II (1972, 1974)

One of the best films in any genre and the best sequel ever.

2. The French Connection (1971)

Popeye Doyle waves bye-bye to international thugs with a cool hat and a short temper.

3. Goodfellas (1990)

Scorsese at his best, telling the true story of Henry Hill. Shows mobsters as they really are. Plus a great soundtrack.

4. Animal Kingdom (2010)

Australian crime family that knows how to thump skulls down under. A great performance by Jackie Weaver as the sugary sweet yet vicious head of the family.

5. Scarface (1983)

Brian De Palma’s saga of the drug scene and Cuban refugees in Miami in the 1980’s. Say hello to my little friend. And don’t use your own supply!

6. Thief (1981)

James Caan plays a professional jewel thief in Chicago in the 80’s. This is a Michael Mann classic with a great supporting cast.

7. Snatch (2000)

Guy Ritchie directs Brad Pitt and Jason Statham in the British underworld. Complete with fight fixing, stolen diamonds, and man-eating pigs.

8. Dirty Harry (1971)

Clint Eastwood as the “play by his own rules” Inspector Harry Callahan. The original lone wolf cop shows how he takes down a serial killer. All with a big gun and sideburns. Did he shoot six or only five?

9. Bullitt (1968)

Steve McQueen and a badass car go looking for an underworld boss. One of the first grey area cops ever shown on screen.

10. Boyz n the Hood (1991)

First ever film to show what living in South Central L.A. was really like and how it affects the young adults of the neighborhood differently. John Singleton’s first film, and a groundbreaking one at that.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Narc (2002)

Jason Patric and Ray Liotta gave up their paychecks so the film could be finished. This is a gritty, indie cop film that will make you wonder if this is really the same director who made The A-Team.

Foxy Brown (1974)

Pam Grier serves up hot sexy justice on the mob for killing her boyfriend. Blaxploitation gold.

Donnie Brasco (1997)

Johnny Depp is a cop that goes undercover and gets a lesson in how to be a wiseguy by Al Pacino.

The Departed (2006)

Martin Scorsese directs a remake of Infernal Affairs with a bunch of great actors in a Boston tale of who is a good guy and who is a bad guy. Hard to say.

Prince of the City (1981)

Treat Williams as a crooked cop turned informant. Another based on a true story.

THE TEN WORST COPS AND ROBBER FILMS

1. The Sopranos’ series finale

I know this is TV but it still bothers me when a series creator doesn’t care about the fans who helped make the show great.

2. Married to the Mob (1988)

Why? Please stop with mob “comedies,” especially when Michelle Pfeiffer is doing a mob wife “accent.”

3. The Dead Pool (1988)

Dirty Harry is scared by a toy car. Just shoot it, Callahan!

4. The Godfather: Part III (1990)

Beverly Hills 90210 goes to Palermo. I fear this film will contaminate my Godfather box set. But Sofia Coppola, you are a great director.

5. Righteous Kill (2008)

I’ve seen baseball managers call the bullpen and phone it in less than Pacino and DeNiro did.

6. Made (2001)

I love John Favreau and Vince Vaughn . . . just not as mobsters. I’d rather watch Rudy, Part 2.

7. The Whole Nine Yards (2000) and The Whole Ten Yards (2004)

Mobster comedy and sequel starring Matthew Perry. Please see #2.

8. Red Heat (1988)

Former Governor of the great state of California playing a KGB agent and James Belushi as a Chicago cop solving crimes in a cold war world. Makes Turner and Hooch seem plausible.

9. Dead Heat (1988)

Treat Williams and Joe Piscopo are enough of a dream team but then you add zombies? This pitch meeting must have taken place at a coke orgy on Halloween.

10. Mobsters (1991)

Christian Slater and Patrick Dempsey as mobsters in the 30’s. Movie poster looks like a themed party for a frat house.

SPORTS MOVIES

By Mike Schmidt

Duhn–da da-da-da da-da-da da-da-da.

Duhn–da da-da-da da-da-da da-da-da.

Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da, bwah-bwah.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da . . .

That’s it. Seriously, those four lines should be the entire chapter on sports movies. I dare you to tell me that Bill Conti’s Rocky theme doesn’t make you want to immediately get up and sprint through the streets of whatever godforsaken town your out-of-shape ass is stuck in at the moment. Fuck, I’m listening to it on a loop as I type this and I’m worried I might not finish, instead choosing to drag my 325 lbs. off this office chair and tackle the night at a dead run, stopping only for raw eggs to guzzle and the odd random stranger to punch. In fact, it’s almost a chicken/egg question: Which came first, Rocky or the Rocky theme? So enjoined are the two that it makes me wonder how you could ever write Rocky without first hearing those monster horn blasts. Goddamn this song is great–fuck it, I gotta hit somebody . . .

CUT TO: Image of clock, hands comically whizzing forward.

All right, I’m back. Sorry, Guy Walking Dog and Homeless Man Who Asked the Wrong Dude for Change; I’m sure your jaws will heal soon enough, but you shouldn’t have been around when I was getting strong now.

The sports movie genre is a weird one; By all rights, the target audience for these films should actually hate them. When you break it down, there are three main reasons why people love sports:

1. Watching the greatest athletes in the world excel at their profession.

2. The inherent drama involved in athletic competition.

3. The unpredictability of the events and outcomes themselves.

Movies can’t compete, mainly because they can’t produce two of those three. The unpredictability factor is out the window; you basically know the beats of a sports movie when you buy your ticket, courtesy of what I call the Underdog Template: Hero struggles, training montage ensues, Crane Kick is unleashed, awesome theme song blares, profit. Lather, rinse, and repeat for all sports movies . . . unless of course you’re watching Million Dollar Baby. Spoiler alert: What the fuck? Amazing movie, but I saw it in the theater in 2004 and I just finished crying last week. Clint Eastwood is a dick.

As for watching the “greatest athletes in the world”—well, Hollywood will sometimes cast professional athletes in films, which you’d think would fulfill this requirement. However, movie people seem to have forgotten the “at their profession” part, and instead figure that the recognition factor of seeing a famous athlete in a sports movie is enough. Yeah, it’s not.

Ask anyone who’s suffered the pain of watching an athlete mumble and mug their way through a script—it’s a miserable slog, and you spend the entire time waiting for the guy to dunk, or hit a fastball, or do whatever he does well in real life that afforded him the opportunity to fuck up the movie you’re watching. Even worse is when they decide to cast an athlete in a NON-SPORTS movie–y’know, because they’re soooo charismatic. I don’t know what the opposite of an Oscar is, but Dennis Rodman must have won a million of them.

Casting athletes isn’t always a bad idea. Boston Celtics guard Ray Allen does a nice job in He Got Game, and others such as Jim Brown and Vinnie Jones have been able to make a second career for themselves on the big screen. And as bad as some athletes are at acting, seeing their stilted line reads is a fucking JOY compared to watching an actor try to be an athlete. Oh my God. Look, I like Bull Durham, but the next realistic pitch Tim Robbins throws will be his first. I would crush that weak sauce he was “hurling,” Cadillac around the bases, step on home plate and blow him a long, slow, deep, soft, wet kiss that lasted for three days.

Robbins isn’t the only culprit in this category. Ever see Youngblood? Producers cast Rob Lowe—who has more teeth than the entire NHL—as a hockey player. At least they had the good sense to make him a wimpy goal scorer; no way a guy like that could be seen as a tough . . . wait, what’s that you say? The entire third act of the film is Youngblood learning how to fight, culminating in his kicking the hell out of the league badass? Please—I would strap on skates and crush Rob Lowe in a fight, stand over his prone body, and blow him a long, slow, deep, soft, wet kiss that lasted for three days. (Yeah, I know, wrong movie—but have you seen Rob Lowe? If he and I were the last two guys on Earth, I’d be pissed there weren’t more people around to watch the two of us make out.)

The difficulty producers face in casting these parts is better understood when you remember one of the reasons people watch sports: Watching the greatest athletes in the world excel at their profession. When seeing a movie, you also want to see the greatest ACTORS in the world excel at their profession . . . and that means producers feel you’ll forgive the sports flaws in order to see a superior actor take a crack at the role. John Goodman? Great actor, sure, but the only reason he was cast in The Babe was because he was a great actor who fit the suit, Johnny Bravo-style. Baseball prowess never figured into it, meaning the product was already inferior from the jump. Babe Ruth’s legendary ability on the baseball field is the number one reason to make a Babe Ruth movie; to ignore it would be death. Goodman and the producers found that out the hard way.

There is one area in which Hollywood can definitely compete on a level playing field with sports: Drama. When hitting on all cylinders, Hollywood can drop drama on you like Manny Pacquiao raining combinations. In fact, when they bust out the whole bag of tricks (cinematography, music score, great script/performances), movies are capable of producing even better drama than sports . . . and when done well, the drama component can be enough. Be honest, what would you rather watch: A meaningless Wizards-Cavaliers game, or Hoosiers? Sorry, John Wall; you can play, but we know Jimmy Chitwood won’t disappoint.

Sports films that work best are really less “sports movie” than movie about sports . . . in fact, that’s a truism for any type of movie: When a script focuses on being a film instead of a formula, it can transcend the ghetto of its genre. Raging Bull and Rudy—these films are less about boxing and football, and more about the triumph and tragedy of the people involved. Nobody mythologizes better than sports and movies; add in the fact that these are REAL people whose stories are true, and you marry the best of Hollywood with the best from the world of sports.

The modern sports film can be traced back to one touchstone, a movie that practically invented—and subsequently destroyed—the way modern sports films are made: Rocky. Fuck, I think that music’s kicking in again; must fight urge to punch hobos . . .

When something remarkable happens in real life, you’ll almost always hear someone parrot the phrase, “You can’t write a script like this.” The success of Rocky should have disproved this adage forever, because Sylvester Stallone not only “wrote a script like this” but the ensuing twists and turns in his actual life topped his one-in-a-million-shot script by almost every conceivable measure.

A lot of you are probably familiar with the legendary circumstances behind the making of Rocky; that said, I think it’s necessary to include these facts dry—not only so you understand the magnitude of what Rocky accomplished, but because you’ll see the parallels between the ultimate sports movie, and sports themselves. Check this out:

1. Rocky was made in 28 days for one million dollars. Its box office gross to date? $225 million.

2. An unknown actor with only a few roles to his credit at that point, Stallone could have sold the script immediately, but held out because he wanted to star in the film.

3. Rocky was nominated for 10 Academy Awards, winning Best Picture. In the ‘70’s. During what was arguably the best decade in the history of filmmaking, Rocky won Best Picture.

4. Rocky beat Network and Taxi Driver for the Oscar. You can argue quality all you want, but the point is moot; Rocky was such a phenomenon it won acclaim over two of the best movies ever made.

The studios had different ideas for Rocky; they wanted to cast Robert Redford, James Caan, Ryan O’Neal—actors with familiar faces who could guarantee box office. Just as in real sports, however, sometimes the biggest stars aren’t the answer. Sometimes you have to give an unproven kid his shot, and he surprises you by taking the team all the way to the title. Sylvester Stallone is the ’69 Mets, ‘83 North Carolina State, and the ’80 Men’s Olympic Hockey Team all in one. Do you believe in miracles? Stallone did, and it fucking paid off.

I referred to Rocky as the ultimate sports movie, and that’s true . . . but when you really think about it, isn’t Sylvester Stallone’s life the ultimate sports movie? Actually, his life and Chuck Wepner’s . . . okay, his life and Chuck Wepner’s and Joe Frazier’s, but you see my point. Remember the Underdog Template? Hero struggles, training montage ensues, Crane Kick is unleashed, awesome theme song blares, profit? Just replace “Crane Kick” with “Fantastic Script” and the whole theory comes together. Sly Stallone could have sold out on his dream, but he held firm and wound up winning it all. Doesn’t get much more “sports” than that.

Did Stallone squander all of that good will by making twenty-five more Rocky movies? Maybe . . . but in movies, just as in sports, flags fly forever, and a thousand subsequent missteps can be soothed over by memories of that one championship season. Which is to say that no matter how eye-scaldingly bad Rocky V was, in my eyes it can’t invalidate the triumph of Rocky. Doesn’t mean I wasn’t disappointed, though.

I was too young to see the original Rocky in the theater, but I devoured it on cable and paid to see all the sequels. Obviously, none of those carry the heft of the first film, but I felt such a loyalty to the character I almost had to go to these movies—like I owed it to Rocky. A weird thing to say, but the feeling was palpable. Like rooting for a sports team, you don’t question it; you just do it and hope they don’t disappoint you. As I sat in the theater laughing openly at the absurdity of Rocky IV, I felt betrayed. I felt like the fan of a team whose ownership took him for granted—avarists who felt that no matter how bad a team they fielded, I would just keep showing up and slapping down money because they were the only game in town. When Ivan Drago said, “I must break you,” he was talking to me . . . and while Rocky might have survived the onslaught, I did not.

Come Rocky V, I was done—first time I not only didn’t go opening night, but I didn’t go at all. Watched it on cable and winced at how bad it was, couldn’t believe that one of the most influential fictional characters was going out like that. When I heard Stallone was going to make Rocky Balboa, I had zero expectations; there are only so many times a sports fan can be let down before they develop a hide, not letting themselves suffer the burden of hope. And then . . .

Out of nowhere, your years of loyalty are repaid in abundance. 2006’s Rocky Balboa was a perfect coda for the series—a film that proved no matter how deep into the cheese barrel Stallone had fallen, no matter how much of a punch line his many Rocky sequels had become, he was still that dreamer from 1976, waiting for his one shot at redemption. I cried in the theater, just as I cried when the Phillies won the World Series in 1980. Call it nostalgia, call it relief . . . but to see something you’ve invested so much of your life believing in validate that belief? Reminds you why you became a fan in the first place.

While Rocky isn’t the first, it’s fair to say it is the most influential film ever made about sports; say what you want about the Underdog Template, but it provided a welcome sea change from the “Athletes As Heroes” sports films that had almost always come before. Gary Cooper was great in Pride of the Yankees, but how could he not be? The script would have you believe that Lou Gehrig descended from the heavens, only taking time to play first base for the Yankees in between healing lepers and walking on the water in the clubhouse whirlpool. I was surprised at the end of the film—not that Gehrig died, but that he didn’t rise up three days later and hit a home run for every sick kid in America, then swim across the Atlantic and kill Hitler. We get it, he was a good guy; we don’t need a movie that gives us diabetes to drive the point across.

There were early exceptions to the mythmaking “Gee, what a swell guy!” sports movie: Rod Serling’s Requiem for a Heavyweight is a pitch-black look at the seediness of sports, and Anthony Quinn’s performance was surely an inspiration for Stallone. The Hustler with Paul Newman is one of the best sports movies ever made, truly getting away from the “Athletes As Heroes” motif, showing that it’s not talent alone that makes the athlete, but also how his psyche responds to tragedy and loss. The 1966 documentary The Endless Summer also stands out for its approach, following surfers who do what they do not because it’s their job, but because they have to. I’m sure it will be mentioned in the documentary chapter, right Graham?

Not every sports movie has to be a treatise on the psyche of an athlete; sometimes, a film can just be gut-punch funny. In fact, funny is a welcome respite from the naked hero worship Hollywood usually shoves into a sports movie. Major League is one of those movies you can’t get out of your head . . . mainly because it’s playing somewhere on cable 24/7 throughout the world. It uses the Underdog Template to full advantage, but scores huge points for not treating sports like some titanic struggle of men. Instead, it points out that because these guys have spent their entire lives playing a kids game, they’re essentially giant kids themselves—and in doing so the film demonstrates just how important chemistry is in sports. Rather than treating every fastball like a nuclear winter, it showed the players partying and acting stupid—precisely what 90 percent of us would do if we were young and rich. It lends vicariousness to the film that makes it eminently watchable . . . as the cable companies have discovered.

If Major League came close to capturing a Major League clubhouse, White Men Can’t Jump absolutely NAILED life on the Venice Beach basketball courts. When I first moved to California I made a trip to Venice Beach. I’d heard the legends: Hot girls, bodybuilders, every fruit, nut, and flake that Southern California could offer a boy from the Midwest. I never found out; within a half hour of arrival I was sitting courtside, ocean breeze in my face, watching guys argue and ball in the sun. Sure, I kept my head on a swivel looking for bikinis, but other than grabbing fish tacos for my fat face, I didn’t budge from that spot until dusk. The setting, the games themselves; everything about the Venice courts was so alive, so vibrant, and the movie really brought that home. The chemistry between Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson was so strong you actually believed they lived that life—and the fact they could both ball a little certainly didn’t hurt.

As good as White Men Can’t Jump is, Woody’s sports movie triumph is Kingpin. Good lord, Kingpin; back during that magical four years when The Farrelly Brothers were funny. I always forget about this movie, catch it while I’m flipping channels, and immediately drop the remote until the end credits. Bill Murray . . . there are no words. I’m not in charge of this project, but if there isn’t a Bill Murray appreciation chapter in this book I’m going to be very disappointed. I love Ghostbusters, but I could give you ten Bill Murray quotes from other movies that are funnier than any of the Ghostbusters stuff. Here’s one: “Must get a lot of competition for that corner.” I’m not even gonna tell you the movie—just watch his entire filmography, and when you find it you’ll know I’m right.

In Kingpin, Harrelson has the same chemistry with Murray that he had with Snipes, which leads me to believe that Woody Harrelson is The One, and all things are possible through Him. Christ, the guy made Courtney Love look good onscreen; that’s the acting equivalent of a hole-in-one: Not impossible, but you’re extremely lucky if you pull it off once in your life.

When you talk gut-punch funny sports films, however, there are two that stand helmet and shoulder pads above the rest. Two movies that transcend the “funny sports movie” label, existing solely as two of the funniest movies ever made, full fucking stop: Caddyshack and Slap Shot.

Ty Webb and Reggie Dunlop, Carl Spackler and Denis Lemieux, Al Czervik and The fuckin’ Hanson Brothers; these movies provided comedic shorthand that will be in use for as long as golf and hockey are played on this planet. Go to any golf course pro shop and pick up a hat—I DARE you not to ask if you get a free bowl of soup with it. Yell “old-time hockey” at a rink, and I guaran-fucking-tee you someone will yell “Eddie Shore” in response.

These movies are so good they inspired sequels . . . horrible, painful sequels that should have never seen the inside of a typewriter, let alone a film canister. I want to think of a cute hockey/golf analogy to use in regards to punishing the people involved, but fuck cute; just beat them all to death with a 3-wood and a skate blade. It’s better than they deserve, believe me—and let’s deal with those last two words for a second . . .

“Believe me”—two words that sports movies have a lot of trouble with. Generally speaking, every movie you’ve ever seen asks you to suspend your disbelief to a certain extent. Unfortunately, a ton of sports movies ask you to suspend your disbelief enough to accept that a monkey can play third base, or that Whoopi Goldberg could coach the Knicks, or that Tim Robbins is a stud pitcher. That’s asking a lot for ten bucks, and the preponderance of this type of nonsense is what leads a lot of people to dismiss sports movies out of hand. You can’t blame them; watch enough movies where a dog can dunk, or an NBA star cross dresses to play in the WNBA, or Tim Robbins is a stud pitcher, and it takes its toll on you . . . and no, I will not let the Robbins thing go. He made Freddie Prinze Jr. in Summer Catch look like fuckin’ Roy Halladay.

The good news is that for every ten disposable sports movie hackfests you sit through, the stain on your brainpan is easily washed away by watching just one of the legitimate sports movie classics that already exist. If you told me I had to watch Celtic Pride ten times on a 60-inch hi-definition plasma screen in order to watch Raging Bull once on an iPod Touch, I would do so without hesitation. Dan Aykroyd’s stupid face would dissolve into the ether of my mind before the first flashbulb went off in Scorsese’s amazing black-and-white credit sequence. Oh, and if you’re wondering why Aykroyd gets all the blame, at least Daniel Stern made Breaking Away. Between Celtic Pride and Caddyshack II, Aykroyd has done more to ruin sports movies than Will Ferrell could ever dream.

The truth, however, is no matter how bad a sports movie might be—no matter how ridiculous the premise, or awful the writing—we need it to exist for the genre to survive. Just as in real sports, you need the lesser teams and individuals to allow you to truly appreciate the champions in their field—those unforgettable performers who transcend the barriers of competition, to live forever in the canon of film and sport forever. With apologies to NFL Films and John Facenda . . .

Professional Filmmaking in America is a special game, a unique game . . . it is a rare game. The men who create films make it so. All of them are fearless. All of them are skilled, impassioned. And all of them are part of a story that began long ago. A story written by men who found, in the craft of filmmaking, a demanding measure for their own courage and ability. Citius, Altius, Fortius. Cut, print, and that’s a wrap.

THE TEN BEST SPORTS MOVIES

1. Raging Bull (1980)

The ’85 Bears of sports movies: Brutal, relentless, will be remembered forever. The only difference is Scorsese was able to repeat. Fuck.

2. Rocky (1976)

The cinematic definition of “rags to riches,” both onscreen and off.

3. Hoosiers (1986)

The Underdog Template executed perfectly, made all the better because the story is true.

4. The Wrestler (2008)

This movie is Rocky with razor blades. Mickey Rourke is a walking bruise.

5. Breaking Away (1979)

“To them, it’s just a dirty word—to me, it’s just somethin’ else I never got a chance to be.” Oscar winner for Best Screenplay in 1979, and deservedly so.

6. The Hustler (1961)

This movie shows that if you want to be the best, there’s always a price to pay. Sports personified.

7. Caddyshack (1980)

If only for Rodney Dangerfield—every time he walks in a room, every line he says, it’s like a bomb going off. For sheer laugh ratio, it might be the funniest performance in movie history.

8. Million Dollar Baby (2004)

Looks like it’s going to be Rocky, then becomes the saddest hour you will ever spend in a movie theater. I’m not kidding—I just teared up while reading the Wikipedia synopsis. Devastating.

9. Bull Durham (1988)

Major League is funnier, The Natural is prettier, and Field of Dreams is more heartwarming. However, if you want to see a film about baseball, you want to see Bull Durham.

10. Slap Shot (1977)

Simultaneously celebrates and fucking destroys the fucking goon culture that fucking surrounded hockey in the ‘70’s . . . not to mention the fucking fact that it’s fucking hilarious. “I’M LISTENIN’ TO THE FUCKIN’ SONG.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Moneyball (2011)

A great book brought to vibrant life. What’s it going to take for Brad Pitt to win an Oscar?!

Diggstown (1992)

The only movie I’ve seen that made me involuntarily stand up and cheer in the theater. I can’t give it away. Just see it.

THE TEN WORST SPORTS MOVIES

1. Johnny Be Good (1988)

Anthony Michael Hall as the most highly recruited high school quarterback in the nation? Right. I’ve never found out for sure, but I believe Hall and Robert Downey Jr. were given carte blanche to improvise their dialogue. If not, this script is worse than I thought.

2. Caddyshack II (1988)

Should probably be number one, but doesn’t deserve to be on top of any list, even this one.

3. The Bad News Bears Go to Japan (1978)

So bad I think the Enola Gay dropped them there.

4. The Legend of Bagger Vance (2000)

Yet another in Hollywood’s series of “Magical Negro” movies. If Will Smith is truly magical, maybe he can make this movie disappear.

5. Little Big League (1994)

I shouldn’t include this, as it’s obviously a movie for kids. Trouble is, kids or no kids, it’s just so amazingly unbelievable. Even more so than . . .

6. Little Giants (1994)

Again, for kids . . . but do me a favor and watch it, just once. Tell me it isn’t the first script generated entirely by focus group feedback. Not a single original note in the entire film.

7. Juwanna Mann (2002)

Guy gets suspended from the NBA, dresses as a woman to play in the WNBA. Almost as offensive as Soul Man.

8. Any Given Sunday (1999)

Oliver Stone at his most Oliver Stoniest. Only thing missing was a ghost shaman running a button hook.

9. Fever Pitch (2005)

Want to piss off a Red Sox fan? Whenever they bring up the 2004 comeback against the Yankees, just say, “Oh yeah, the Fever Pitch season.” They’ll be wicked mad.

10. Rocky V (1990)

In the original script, Rocky was supposed to die; Stallone decided to kill his credibility instead . . . until he turned it all around with Rocky Balboa, of course.

DISHONORABLE MENTION?

BASEketball (1998)

Not really that bad, but . . . OK look, I’m in this. Wanted to bring it up, yet didn’t feel right including it in the best list. Go watch Fat Me miss a free throw.

DRAMA

By Dean Haglund

I went to drama school, studied drama, then graduated, dated a drama queen, read at dramatic readings, then later started doing film and TV dramas, and then one day I was asked to write a chapter about drama and realized I don’t know a damn thing about it. Funny that.

I have a theory: The genre drama does NOT exist. Drama is our fallback when we run out of other categories. Even when you look at it symbolically, drama is represented by two masks: Comedy and Tragedy. The Janus masks were first worn by a writer named Thespis, who was either too embarrassed to be seen on stage or he needed a quick change gimmick. Either way, it is why actors are now called thespians. I said THESPIANS. Early plays were either funny or sad or both, then labeled a tragi-comedy; i.e.: I laugh at your pain! But straight drama? That is a label for the lazy.

I went to a screenwriting class where they said all movies are conflict. That has somehow been reinterpreted to mean all movies must have fighting, explosions, superheroes, and aliens in no particular order. But really, it is that all conflict has some drama to it. All movies are dramatic, or there would be no reason to watch them unless you were high and sat through all twenty-four hours of Andy Warhol’s Empire where he just filmed the Empire State Building from his studio window for an entire day and did not edit out a single minute (spoiler alert—a plane flies by around 5 p.m.). Other than that, all movies have some drama—but if it is dealt with in a funny way, that’s a comedy. If it ends with everyone dying, that is a tragedy. If it was meant to be funny and no one laughs, that is just sad. Just like my mom always asks, “Why can’t there be any movies without conflict?” The answer is, then there is no reason to tell the story. We are compelled within our DNA to dramatize our stories.

Aristotle laid it out 2300 years ago (though more eloquently and in Greek) in where he wrote two books; one on comedy and one on tragedy. Sadly, only the second survives. He talks about style and polemics, but he also lays out the basic three act structure that is still followed today. We boil it down to “boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl.” The variation on these outlines has been the structure of almost every movie ever made.

Protagonist has to get something, something is stopping him. He overcomes that thing and gets his goal. The “what” and the “how” are the only things that change from flick to flick. Indiana Jones finds the Ark; has the Ark taken by the Nazis; gets the Ark for good.

And like any good story, there is a beginning, a middle, and an end. A story without drama is my shopping list. Unless I lose that shopping list, fight some Nazis, and get my shopping list back. Now that is an epic adventure! See how easy that was?

Drama is the one thing that crosses all cultural lines. Stephen King is as dramatic as David Mamet, as are the Greek playwrights, regardless of time, language, and place. This is a quality of the human condition that is transcendent and brings it to a personal level every time. You automatically transpose yourself into the situation. You say to yourself, “What would I do if I was being chased by dinosaurs in an immoral genetically manipulated theme park?” It becomes personal.

You can compare two of the most different movies, Terms of Endearment (romantic weeper) and Pulp Fiction (action crime thriller), and find that they have similar dramatic elements. Both Debra Winger and Samuel Jackson’s characters have faith, lose it, and then get it at the end, either through her cancer or his miraculous survival of a bullet spray. The movies could not be farther apart in structure, content, or style choices and yet they share dramatic elements that satisfy with every screening. I cry each time I see either of them, though it is because I, too, smuggled a watch from Asia in a similar fashion that I would rather not talk about.

In fact all filmmaking has to be personal for if it isn’t, it would feel like the three Star Wars prequels. You got to have a deep personal need to tell a story or you will lose your mind and your money, and you’ll be mocked in books like this. It has always been that way, from the first experiments in motion capture where the horse ran on a track tripping the shutters for a series of still cameras to the horror movie The Human Centipede. Both were highly personal projects for someone though I do not want to meet the person who made the second one.

I know for a fact that Edison only invented the movie camera because of what he wanted to see. I have heard it directly from a friend whose uncle was a young chemist when he met Mr. Edison at Menlo Park. There, an elderly Edison took him aside and regaled him with stories, including one that the invention of the movie camera was for the expressed purpose of seeing “French postcards” move! So it has been porn that has driven the technology of the film industry, but it is the needs of drama that has driven the artistic achievements.

From editing, camera movements, to sound synchronization, each artistic achievement heightens dramatic storytelling. It is a lucky historical coincidence that film technology developed just as a new form of acting swept the world. Up until the 20th century, acting was a series of pre-defined gestures with the elocution of text. I actually had a teacher who thought that it was still useful to learn this, and we hated him for it. It was the Russian actor Constantin Stanislavski who revolutionized the dramatic arts with the new method that bears his name. Essentially, you imagine as if you are in a situation like that of your character and find personal memories that will bring up emotions similar to what your character would feel. This revolutionary method—so-called “method acting”—perfectly dovetailed with the new requirements of close up nature of “camera acting.” Intimate, intense, vulnerable, dangerous, and volatile. Suddenly, a new breed of actors like Humphrey Bogart, James Dean, and Marlon Brando lit up the screen and made the Barrymores and Fairbanks seem wooden and false. Just imagine Douglas Fairbanks Jr. acting in A Streetcar Named Desire and you will have a giggle fit.

If you can’t think of any other category your film can possibly fall into, meaning it is not scary, funny, based on a true story, set in a time period other than your own, has explosions, war, zombies, children, animation, takes place on a long journey, and is under two hours, then you have yourself a drama. And if you got it made, then it must be good just for the sheer reason that it exists without anything from the above list.

I think genre labeling is a handy method of film classification that speeds my ability to see the movie that fits my mood. Horror movies on Halloween, family comedies at Christmas, these make my choice quicker than if everything was labeled “drama” and I had to learn about the way the director handled the material. Though now that I write that, I may open a video store with just such a system and then re-state my above thesis to all who walked in. It would be the super film nerd video store and it would be so exclusive that even I would not be able to get a membership.

When done right, and told in a fun and creative way, all movies satisfy my deep 3000-year-old genetically encoded need to hear and see stories that resonate with me personally. It is the weird truism that the more personal a piece of art becomes, the more universal the appeal. We are the same across the globe, more or less, and are all moved by having stories told in a dramatic way. Which is pretty amazing for a genre that doesn’t really exist.

THE TEN BEST “DRAMA” MOVIES

(Realize that every movie on this list can be re-categorized into another genre, which just proves my point. And spoiler alerts for some of them!)

1. Citizen Kane (1941)

Say what you want about style, structure, camera angles, etc–the story of unbridled ambition is still awesome. Until you realize that today it would be a historical biopic, but they changed it up enough to avoid a lawsuit with William Randolph Hearst, whom it is about. Still, as dramas go it has all the crucial elements; emotional character arcs, surprise twists, all told in a series of flashbacks after his death with the search for meaning of his last word “rosebud” before dying. Of course, with the knowledge of a little of Hollywood history, this movie becomes a comedy, or a least a dirty joke. Turns out William Randolph Hearst had a lifelong love affair with actress Marion Davies (he even bought her a beach front villa in Santa Monica—now the Lowes Hotel) and somehow, I’m sure Marion blabbed, it was whispered around town that “rosebud” was Mr. Hearst’s pet name for Marion’s lady parts! This is why he sent out the edict that no one who worked for his vast empire of newspapers could review or even mention that movie. And sure enough, the greatest drama of all time failed at the box office. So the point here is; make a drama but don’t piss off the publisher. In today’s terms, that would be as if I would make a movie about an Aussie who buys up newspapers, fires union staff, closes every second one, leverages that to buy television and movie studios to support a right wing agenda, then ditches his wife for the hot Asian senior manager in my Hong Kong division who then re-aligns his political beliefs after it’s too late. Oh yeah, and I would find out their “safety” word and make that the name of their yacht.

2. Unfaithful (2002)

Diane Lane won her Oscar for this movie, especially one scene: Her silent train ride back to her husband after banging the artist downtown. That scene is the heart of the whole movie.

3. Ordinary People (1980)

Therapy sessions frame the drama of the survivor’s guilt of one brother as it wreaks havoc on everyone else. Whoever thought Mary Tyler Moore could be so chilling?

4. Network (1976)

Mad as hell? Don’t want to take it anymore? Have a look at this movie and then go occupy Wall Street.

5. The Deer Hunter (1978)

For some reason, my parents thought it would be a good idea to take me to see this when I was eleven. I was told it was a war movie, though the only war shots were a couple of things after the reception in Pittsburgh. I thought that they somehow screwed this up. I even said walking out that it was a “waste of celluloid” and my family argued all the way home about Vietnam. Nothing like Russian roulette to scar an 11-year-old.

6. The Day of the Locust (1975)

This 70’s look at 30’s Hollywood still makes me think of Donald Sutherland stomping on the bratty child actor in the crazy riot at the end of this movie. I saw this when I was thirteen and I still moved to Los Angeles.

7. The Conversation (1974)

The listener becomes the listened to, and all the prying ends with Gene Hackman in a ripped up apartment and a saxophone.

8. Adaptation (2002)

Love, even unrequited, is still love for someone. It took a whole lot of crazy to find that answer in a swamp where the rare flower grows.

9. Sophie’s Choice (1982)

Once in your life you are going to make a decision that will affect everything else you do. Hopefully it won’t have to be which one of your kids gets to live.

10. The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

Friendship in prison (not that kind).

THE TEN WORST “DRAMA” MOVIES

Everything else called drama. But without them, MST3K wouldn’t have existed. I try to see the half glass as something to be mocked.

1. Gigli (2003)

I am actually one of the few that paid money to see this. I went with a few of my fellow comedy writer friends and we thought we would laugh all the way through this romantic adventure. We laughed for about 30 minutes and then spent the other hour and a half with our jaws dropped open. Each scene more horrible than the last with J. Lo monologue about her vagina being the least sexy thing ever to be recorded. I felt sorry for the teenage girl and her mother who were in the front row. That kid must be screwed up now.

2. Catwoman (2004)

I regret not going to the industry screening of this movie on the Warner’s lot. Allegedly, the writers stood up while the movie was still playing and walked up the aisle to where the director was sitting and started yelling at him for ruining their movie. He proceeded to say they couldn’t write their way out of a paper bag and the producers ushered them all out into the lobby saying that this was just some of the fun that everyone had on set. In retrospect, they were all correct.

3. Raven (2009)

Somehow I was on the red carpet for the premiere of this disaster as six hearses pulled up and all the actors emerged from coffins. That cheese made its way into the movie as well, and as I was discussing protocol on how to sneak out of the theater, the entire row I was in fled.

4. The Room (2003)

This is a horrible movie made awesome by the fact that a bunch of comedians started going repeatedly to laugh their asses off. Now everyone is in on the joke, including the guy who made it, saying it is how he intended it to be all along. Doubt it.

5. The Happening (2008)

The final straw that broke the back of filmgoers who were still giving M. Night Shyamalan the benefit of the doubt. Why is Mark Wahlberg talking in a high-pitched voice?

6. Legends of the Fall (1994)

Geez, how long is it going to take for that girl to sleep with all three brothers?! Be sluttier quicker!

7. The Postman (1997)

Kevin Costner is a post-apocalyptic mail carrier. If this postman rang twice he would have hung himself.

8. A Walk in the Clouds (1995)

Keanu Reeves, a vineyard, a pregnant woman, and a war all meet on a bus.

9. Glitter (2001)

Mariah Carey plays a young singer who dates a DJ to help her with singing career. Next time, date an acting coach and a screenwriter.

10. I Melt with You (2011)

Nothing like watching stars like Rob Lowe, Thomas Jane, and Jeremy Piven fulfill a suicide pact in lovely Big Sur. Watching this movie will make you wish you were in on it.

FAMILY MOVIES

By Chris Mancini

Like most people, when I hear “family movie” all I think of is, Oh, man . . . BORED BORED BORED. But is that really fair? No. Some of the best films ever made are family movies. It’s the shitty family movies that give the genre a bad reputation. It’s awful enough sitting through a lousy movie, but a lousy movie that treats you and your children like dumbasses? Now that’s some ignorant bullshit. I always have to take that step back and forget about Baby Geniuses and remember Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. “I said good day!”

First of all, there is a BIG difference between kids movies and family movies. Kids movies are for kids and will often star a Care Bear, a pony, or some version of Barbie or Strawberry Shortcake in an effort to sell you more crappy toys. A family movie is one that the whole family can actually watch and enjoy. In other words, if you are an adult, it won’t make you want to hang yourself just to get the magic smile glitter out of your brain.

Family movies have a long proud tradition and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I remember going to the drive-in with my parents and watching the latest Herbie the Love Bug movie and then whatever the next movie was. It was usually a Disney double feature. We would get into our pajamas and drive in the station wagon. We rode in the back of course, bouncing around with whiffle ball bats and the plastic cooler with all of our movie snacks. Our parents weren’t quite as strict with this whole car safety and seatbelt thing. It was a gentler time.

The golden age of live action Disney films followed a particular formula, and it worked. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, Treasure Island, Swiss Family Robinson, they never talked down to the audience, kids or adults. The stories they told were Disneyfied of course, but they were not completely sanitized. James Mason justifies his murderous actions as Captain Nemo with a dramatic flair found in any adult drama, and pirates do indeed kill each other in Treasure Island. We will make no mention of the Apple Dumpling Gang.

Ultimately, these movies were telling stories. Not “stories for kids.” The fact that they were based on classic novels didn’t hurt. And keep in mind, not classic kids novels. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea is not Charlotte’s Web. There was an attempt recently to revive this formula with Pirates of the Caribbean and National Treasure. Two franchises, six movies, one that was watchable. Not a good average. If you are an adult, anyway. Maybe take another look at that classic literature instead of an animatronic ride, huh?

Now when it comes to animation, things also get interesting. There is an argument among stupid movie executives that family films succeed or fail on the technology, that kids only want to see computer generated films, and not traditional hand drawn animation. That’s why some movies fail and some succeed. This is complete horseshit, and even John Lasseter agrees. In an interview he stated: “Never in the history of cinema has a film been entertaining for the audience because of the technology; it’s what you do with the technology. I felt they were blaming the poor performance of their movies on the fact it was hand-drawn as opposed to computer animation.” Indeed, sir. Well said.

Kids do not care whether or not a movie is traditionally animated or computer animated. Before we go to the theater, my kids have never asked me “Is this movie computer generated or traditionally hand drawn?” All they ask about is how big of a popcorn we’re going to get. Kids are a microcosm of adult moviegoers. If it interests them, they want to go see it. If it does not, then they don’t. End of freaking story.

The re-release of The Lion King in movie theaters, 17 years later, made over $30 million in its opening weekend, beating all the new releases. It went on to gross over $90 million in its re-release. And don’t give 3D all the credit. It was shown in 2D for the re-release as well.

So what makes a good family film? Or even a good kids film, for that matter? The answer is simple: A good family film does not condescend to children. In other words, a good family film doesn’t treat its young audience like assholes.

Great family films reveal truths about childhood and human nature and do it in a way that is both compelling and fascinating. Kids may not even get it on a conscious level, but the parents will and it will still sink in on some level to the child. Like a good fairy tale that explores our primal fears, a good family movie will examine mature themes (loss, death, and growing up) with a much gentler hand. Finding Nemo, Up, and even All Dogs Go to Heaven are good examples. If you’re an adult watching The NeverEnding Story, you’ll notice some very existential commentary about the struggle of mankind and man’s place in the universe coming from a giant talking wolf.

The worst “family” movies are the movies that talk down to you. Not just to children, but to YOU as a parent and a movie watcher. Movies made with no passion and churned out by cynical children’s marketers can really feel like “screw you, this is good enough and all you deserve.” Watch any Shrek sequel and you’ll see how tired the premise was on the very first go-round. But hey, the characters were already in the computer and Mike Meyers doesn’t seem that busy so why not keep making them? They still make money. Garfield, Smurfs, those stupid Guinea Pig secret agents, etc. Enough. I have no studies or evidence to prove this, but I really think you will make your kids dumber by taking them to see these movies. Prove me wrong.

Now occasionally you will hit that weird disagreement with your child. Every now and then, despite your best efforts, they are going to like a shitty movie. I don’t recommend arguing with your six-year-old about contrived plot points. That would be crazy. Plus, it doesn’t work.

My daughter and I recently watched The Spy Next Door with Jackie Chan. She had never seen Jackie Chan before, and the movie opens with this amazing montage of Chan’s early movies and stunt work. It’s breathtaking. Then it goes into the family and kid stuff along with kid humor (read sloppy) that is neither interesting nor inspired and then we have to watch Billy Ray Cyrus try to act and it becomes more and more painful. But my daughter loved the movie. And she loved it not because it was a good or bad movie, but because Jackie Chan is so amazing and it was her first introduction to him. We both watched the opening montage over and over again.

The true test of a family film (and the most successful ones) are the ones that people go to see and don’t have kids. How many of us went to see Up or Babe without kids? Sure, you go to a later screening where there is likely to be less of them (you don’t want those kids being loud and ruining your viewing of a talking pig movie, I get it.) But how many of you ran out and saw Spy Kids without children? Right. Spy Kids (the first one) isn’t bad, but it just doesn’t hit that sweet spot of a film “for all ages.”

But even family films have different levels of maturity. So if you have children, you should really care about which movies they are watching. Don’t show them movies they are not ready for. Like The NeverEnding Story is not really meant for really young children. Heck, it was directed by Wolfgang Peterson who did Das Boot. Family and kids movies have definite age ranges. How to Train Your Dragon and Coraline are great but I wouldn’t let my three-year-old watch them. Just like books, video games, and other media you need to know what your children are ready for and watching. Or you’ll have a lot of explaining to do in the middle of the night to a two-year-old who just watched Monsters, Inc.

So you may have to preview some stuff. Take the time, it will be worth it. I don’t know how many moronic parents I see posting reviews on Netflix claiming that some Japanese anime movie or PG-13 movie “wasn’t appropriate for their young children and they were shocked, SHOCKED at what they were seeing.” It’s called parenting. You should try it sometime. You obviously have time to prove your ignorance via Netflix reviews, let’s try to use that time a bit more productively, shall we?

Anyway, let’s get back to movie selections based on quality, once their age-appropriateness has been established. Try to avoid the crappy animated shovelware every studio puts out to compete with Pixar, like Robots, Ice Age, Shark Tale, Madagascar, etc. “Sort of” live action/CG movies like Yogi Bear, The Smurfs, Garfield, and Furry Vengeance will rot your adult brain. Your five-year-old may even turn to you and ask “Why does Hollywood keep insulting me?” Why, indeed.

Because from a financial standpoint, it makes no sense to make a shitty family film. Family films are meant to be seen in the theater and then owned because kids watch their favorite movies over and over. If they think it’s boring, they don’t want to see it again. If as an adult you think it’s a piece of crap, are you really going to want that movie in your house playing over and over again until your ears bleed? I can always watch parts of The Jungle Book or The Cat Returns no matter how many times it’s on, and I will smile every time. If the kids want to watch Shrek the Third, I have to leave the room.

The true test of a family film is when it engages you just as much as your child. You laugh together, you feel the emotion together, and you root for the characters together. A good family film will bring you back to your childhood. They are difficult to pull off correctly and when they shine, they really shine.

I recently watched Castle in the Sky again with my three-year-old son and my six-year-old daughter. We all enjoyed it, all on different levels. They asked questions, I answered them. Everything from “Are there going to be more robots?” to “Are the pirates good now and the spies bad?” As the movie progressed they sat closer to me until each one was almost in my lap. It was the equivalent of the ancient practice of a tribe sitting by the campfire, listening to stories.

Movies can bring you together, and there is nothing like a family movie to do just that. So watch movies with your family. Be engaged. Answer questions. Ask them. Talk about the movie afterwards. Before you know it, you’ll be closer with your tribe than ever before.

THE TEN BEST FAMILY FILMS

1. The Iron Giant (1999)

Can you believe Jennifer Aniston and Vin Diesel are both in a great movie?! A 2D animated masterpiece that asks the question “what if a gun had a soul?” It’s haunting and mesmerizing, funny and moving. A must see for every boy who ever wanted his very own robot.

2. Labyrinth (1986)

At times both corny and poignant, this movie is a classic. David Bowie in way too tight pants and a script co-written by Terry Jones from Monty Python is one of Jim Henson’s masterpieces. And George Lucas’ name is in there somewhere too.

3. The NeverEnding Story (1984)

OK, having a giant robot is cool, but so is having a giant luck dragon. Postmodern for the time, about a boy experiencing a story as he was reading one. It’s about the power of dreams, stories, and a reminder of why they are so important.

4. Finding Nemo (2003)

Beautiful, moving, funny, and about fish. Pixar at their best.

5. Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure (1985)

Tim Burton’s first feature film is quite simply, a delight. Burton blends silly and smart to create a film that’s entertaining for both kids and adults. Although I remember Large Marge scaring me as a kid . . .

6. How to Train Your Dragon (2010)

Another instant but unlikely classic. Great animation, memorable characters, and a protagonist who tries to be like everyone else to fit in, until he accepts the person who he really is. A classic storyline, but done with such style and grace that it feels fresh. And there are lots and lots of dragons.

7. Toy Story 1-3 (1995, 1999, 2010)

Everyone has their favorite Toy Story movie, and when you talk to three different people, you’ll get three different answers. Metaphors for growing up sneak up on you, until the films have you right where they want you.

8. Babe (1995)

What’s so great about a talking pig movie? If you have to ask, you haven’t seen this movie.

9. The Muppet Movie and The Muppets (1979, 2011)

OK, the original doesn’t completely hold up, but the jokes, cameos, and buckets full of charm are more than enough for a place on the list. And Jason Segel’s new film is a perfect mix of self-aware nostalgia and light satire. It would have made Jim Henson proud.

10. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)

Who would have thought a movie funded by Quaker Oats would become a classic? We just have to always fast forward that boat scene when showing the kids. That creeped me out for a very, very long time as a kid.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Annie (1982)

If you have a little girl, you’re going to be watching Annie. Luckily Carol Burnett, Albert Finney, and Tim Curry will keep you entertained as well. Directed by John Huston. Yes, THAT John Huston.

Old Yeller (1957)

Cry fest!

Up (2009)

Pixar makes you care about an old man and a flying house. The opening will put you in tears.

THE TEN WORST FAMILY FILMS

1. Any Shrek Sequel (2004, 2007, 2010)

Look, even the first one wasn’t that great, but at least it kind of tried. Kind of. Anything after that was a money grab.

2. Cars and Cars 2 (2006, 2011)

Still a lot of unanswered questions from the two films, like when did the cars become sentient and kill all the people?

3. The Fox and the Hound (1981)

One of the worst animated movies and probably the worst animated Disney movie of all time. Boring story, horrible characters, miserable songs, and some unexpected shenanigans with a shotgun. It should have been kept in the vault.

4. The Black Cauldron (1985)

Tim Burton worked on this when he was a young animator. Annoying, too cute characters say dialogue that sounds like it was written by a four-year-old and then an undead army goes out to kill people. Disney magic!

5. Dr. Seuss’ The Cat in the Hat (2003) and How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)

Brian Grazer and Ron Howard, how dare you. The last scene of each of those movies should have been of Theodor Geisel turning over in his grave.

6. Rango (2011)

So it won the Oscar. Big deal, it was a weak year. I took a lot of heat for my negative review, but I stand by it. In fact Neil T. Weakley still gives me a hard time about it. Ugly, photorealistic characters and an annoying, effeminate lizard protagonist populate a lifeless, unfunny script. But as bad as the film is, it doesn’t make Johnny Depp any less awesome.

7. Home Alone sequels (1992, 1997, 2002)

The first Home Alone was no Citizen Kane, but John Hughes’ screenplay had its moments. The sequels, not so much. Even Macaulay Culkin bailed on the third one.

8. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)

Tim Burton’s remake was less a reimagining and more of an abomination. You don’t even have to compare it to the original. It was a complete piece of crap on its own.

9. Titan A.E. (2000)

Wow. You have to see how bad this Don Bluth movie is to actually believe it. I’d rather watch someone play Space Ace.

10. Hook (1991)

Steven Spielberg’s Peter Pan disaster. It’s the first time we heard the word “overproduced” in a review.

HONORABLE OR DISHONORABLE MENTION:

The Lion King (1994)

I’m not sure where to put this movie, since it has great songs, great characters, and an epic feel to it, but it is also horribly derivative of The Jungle Book and the Japanese anime Kimba the White Lion. Maybe it goes in both. Or neither.

MARTIAL ARTS
MOVIES

By Graham Elwood

Growing up, my older brother and I would take the train down from my mom’s apartment in Evanston to the old ABC theater in downtown Chicago to see four kung fu movies for a dollar. We sat in the balcony filled with the smell of popcorn and weed and discovered we were the only white kids there. But our fears soon subsided when a joint was passed our way. “We’re cool,” my older brother would say, which was greeted with an easygoing nod. I was twelve. It was here that my love for martial arts films was born, starting a lifelong fascination, bordering on obsession.

Every film was about someone avenging a family member. There was always a vendetta, and someone asking, “Do you know . . . Crane!?” Then the bong! A sound effect to coincide with a rack zoom close up. This basically meant game fucking ON! Here comes the music and fists with a big order of feet.

What makes a good martial arts movie? Obviously the action takes precedence. Man, I wish romantic comedies used this. Wouldn’t it be great to see Katherine Heigl thumping skulls after a bad date? The style of the fighting and how it is executed is crucial, and the fight choreography is key. Then the story. Not to say that story takes a backseat in martial art films, it’s just that badass fight scenes can excuse a so-so story and mediocre acting. Take Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior—the story is basic avenge my village stuff but Tony Ja is amazing! So what if the supporting actors are two-dimensional at best? Ja jumps through a tire, over a moving car, and lands both feet in a bad guy’s face. Sold! I don’t care if it’s an old story line from Little House on the Prairie, as long as he is serving up hot orders of Muay Thai fists and feet. I’ll watch Tony Ja in anything! And that is what sets martial arts films apart from all others.

But what happens when you do add a great story? Then you have classics like Enter The Dragon with Bruce Lee. Why didn’t they freeze Lee’s body so he could come back today and fight Al-Qaeda? I wish I had a time machine so I could meet him in person and just listen to and watch the man. He was way ahead of his time, bringing not only martial arts films to the US, but the spiritual honor and Zen purity that makes them more than just cool fighting. Mr. Lee—my sensei, my sifu, my Miyagi—showed us how martial arts are truly an art.

Bruce Lee also showed us martial arts as a way of life, not just exercise. He taught the belief that martial arts, when studied correctly, can transform an ordinary person to something beyond our imagination. It can unlock powers that we did not know we had. Powers that put us on a higher level, a level that is in tune with the positive energy of the earth. You can see that belief right up there on the screen as a common theme of martial arts movies.

When this theme is told with good action and comedy, then you have the brilliant Kung Fu Hustle, one of the most innovative films to come out, not just in the martial arts genre, but all films. It stands on the shoulders of Bruce Lee’s, “The art of fighting without fighting,” as he said while on a boat in Enter the Dragon. Then he tricked a meathead into a dingy and dragged it behind him.

Lee’s wanting to go deeper and show the mystical side of martial arts was the motivation for him writing Circle of Iron. He tried to make the film in 1969 with Steve McQueen but couldn’t get it off the ground. After Lee’s death, David Carradine bought the rights and made the film in 1978. While much of Circle of Iron does not hold up, the mystical part of the deepest exploration of martial arts is in the film and comes across very well. We can only wonder what might have been had Lee been able to make Circle of Iron his way. Like, would Jimi Hendrix still be a prophet or would he be playing at state fairs with .38 Special?

I think Lee would still be making great films. When you see Uma Thurman in a Game of Death outfit and when Kung Fu Hustle unlocks the greatness within, you know that Lee’s hand is still there helping filmmakers unlock the magic of martial arts, and merge Eastern philosophy with the west. Lee wanted to show how all fighting styles can come together in Game of Death but died during filming. Each floor in the house of Game of Death represents a different style and Lee has to fight all of them to get to the top. He even puts a beating on basketball star Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, one of Lee’s students. I can imagine what might have been or I can look at all Bruce Lee did to influence not just films, but society. When UFC president, Dana White, calls Lee, “the father of mixed martial arts” you know he changed many aspects of our culture. Again, if I had a time machine I would go back and study with Mr. Lee. And then bet on past Super Bowls so I could buy a yacht to fight pirates, but that’s a different book.

In bringing martial arts to the West, Bruce Lee brought two very different cultures together and forever influenced martial arts filmmaking in the process. These two cultures, Eastern and Western are oftentimes at odds with each other. This theme, how the West has interpreted and in some cases misused martial arts, is explored in many films, like in the original Karate Kid. Mr. Miyagi is the voice of the original intent of martial arts. Not exercise, but training the entire body, mind, and soul. While the “show no mercy” Cobra Kai dojo shows how America has taken the history and soul out of martial arts to only use it for fighting and glamour. Sure, this story was told using high school kids fighting for points like a game of tag with bad 80’s guitar solo music, but you get the idea. Painting a fence and waxing a car are noble pursuits when there is a higher purpose. Not that Chuck Norris kicking a guy through a windshield in Good Guys Wear Black wasn’t righteous. Because it was. That windshield was stupid and had it coming.

Bruce Lee often played characters that were proud of their Chinese heritage, and were fighting against racism. Like when he kicked a “No Dogs or Chinese allowed” sign with a flying sidekick, or the whole plot of Fists of Fury where they battle Japanese racism against the Chinese. Lee encountered racism when he came to America, and also from other Chinese masters who resented him for teaching kung fu to non-Chinese. And yet he prevailed. He prevailed at bringing martial arts to a mainstream audience in the states.

If it wasn’t for Bruce Lee, these precepts might still be something we don’t understand in this country like soccer, the metric system, or a viable third political party. “Empty your mind. Become formless and shapeless like water. When water is poured into a cup, it becomes the cup. When water is poured into a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Be water, my friend,” said Lee on the Dick Cavett show. We should all embrace this attitude that permeated all of his work, and maybe we should also bring back turtleneck sweaters and tweed sport coats. Thanks, Dick.

Another common theme in movies is that martial arts is something you can study for decades and still strive for perfection. However, it can also lead to evil. I mean if it didn’t have some conflict, then these movies would be pretty boring, like watching a self-defense video at a night school for young adults. This misguided evil is the heart of most villains in this genre. When two rival schools are having a beef then there is only one way to settle it, Chinese Connection style. Or it can be in the dumb way like the Karate Kid remake. Karate is Japanese, while the film takes place in China where they study kung fu. (Thanks Will Smith.)

The great masters who have taken the dark side and used their powers for evil show us how easy it is to go down the wrong path, like the reaction Sonny Chiba has upon hearing the name “Bill” from Uma Thurman in Kill Bill: Vol. 1. And why she must finish him in Vol. 2. Quentin Tarantino using Sonny Chiba as the reluctant sword maker was brilliant because everyone should know about the badass star of The Street Fighter movies (not the video game) from Japan in the 70’s, among many, many others. Chiba usually plays more of a conflicted thug as opposed to a noble warrior. This is a great character archetype—a flawed hero who is torn between money or doing what is right. We have many versions of this in the West, like the gangster or gunslinger who is haunted by a sordid past but is looking for redemption.

There is one thing that is universal: Despite great skills, a corrupt heart will lose. Lose like a greedy gun-toting thug who gets a taste of leather boots, courtesy of one Billy Jack. That’s right Billy, you defend the hippies. For if not you, then who? Again a recurring theme. Defending the defenseless. This theme dates back to the samurai in Japan. The word samurai means “to serve.” A noble tenet in a time of savages. Service with a sword. I’m all for it. You can watch many Akira Kurosawa films and see this theme played out again and again. Then you can see a modern masterful version by Ken Watanabe in The Last Samurai. Or Beat Takashi in Zatoichi: Blind Swordsman. I wish more people lived by this code in our current times. Can you imagine an executive taking his own life due to the shame he brought to his family? There would be no more politicians and executives because they all are bought and paid for. Have some honor and commit seppuku.

I love martial arts because I want to be taken back to a place in time when honor was important and disputes were settled swiftly. I want to believe that it is possible to transform oneself into a finely tuned spiritual machine, where the mind, body, and soul transcend to a level higher than where our simple, material wants take us. And kick some non-believer ass along the way.

Many of these stars believed it was possible to unlock mental and spiritual powers through the pursuit of martial arts. Steven Chow comically made that the theme in Kung Fu Hustle and Shaolin Soccer. And Jackie Chan has added this more than once. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon used almost super hero type abilities to tell the love story between Chow Yun Fat and Michelle Yeoh. Using the beauty from the Chinese opera has left my mouth open in awe from watching films like Hero with Jet Li and House of Flying Daggers with the beautiful martial artist Ziyi Zhang.

I think the idea that there is a great power within us is the universal appeal for martial arts films. We wish sometimes we could go back to a time when dishonor was met with flying sidekicks. Abusing power was dealt with steel justice. In an age where everyone files a lawsuit whenever they don’t get their way, when we need the code of the Samurai, the knowledge and wisdom of ancient masters most.

George Lucas knew this. That is why he drew from Kurosawa’s The Hidden Fortress in the telling of Star Wars. Yoda, The Force, Jedis are all manifestations Eastern thinking. Yoda=Buddha, Jedis=Samurai and the Force is The Force!

Wouldn’t you want to be in an age where service, honor, family, and the pursuit of perfection are the only codes to live by? Especially now when America and the rest of modern civilization is having a hard time understanding that everything is connected and we are all one?

I have always thought that living a life of samurai training high up in the mountains would be a pure way to live. For it is without code that all societies crumble. Maybe the Shaw brothers showing us how to in the 36th chamber. Or have Jet Li show us what Shaolin monks use to “teach” in The Shaolin Temple. Shaolin/Samurai either way I’m down with some Zen ass-kicking. Because when the apocalypse comes, whether it’s aliens, zombies, or robots, who will be able to fight them off? Will Tabatha use her salon makeover skills to fight for the survival of the human race? Is TMZ going to go toe to toe with an alien race that wants to enslave the humans? Would the execs at a major studio or TV network have the cunning to outsmart cyborgs sent here to destroy us? You think Paris Hilton, Charlie Sheen, and 50 Cent will be the brain trust that will rebuild planet earth after a global natural disaster?

Or maybe, just maybe, it will be a tribe of people who chose to study an ancient form of self-discipline based on using the entire body as a weapon. A weapon that is only used for self-defense and enlightenment. And quite possibly this tribe of future samurai will use their code of honor and respect as a means to eliminate the human misery of a post-apocalyptic nightmare. All the technology in the world can’t save mankind from its own selfish destruction. So when a ragtag team of future noble warriors who use martial arts only as a last resort save you from the cannibals that have already cooked your friends in a The Road like horror world, thank them for watching martial art movies before the world went dark.

THE TEN BEST MARTIAL ARTS MOVIES

1. Enter the Dragon (1973)

Boards don’t hit back. Still holds up. Bruce Lee at his best.

2. Seven Samurai (1954)

Kurosawa’s masterpiece and it has been an inspiring template for other films like in The Magnificent Seven.

3. The 36th Chamber of the Shaolin (1978)

Shaw brothers epic. A beautiful kung fu film that shows old school training.

4. Kill Bill Vol. 1 (2003) and Vol. 2 (2004)

So many amazing fight scenes, and great characters and dialogue to boot. Like a martial arts museum caught on film.

5. Kung Fu Hustle (2004)

A hilarious and inspiring film that is truly one of a kind. A kung fu cartoon musical.

6. Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior (2003)

Tony Ja serving up justice, Muay Thai style.

7. The Last Samurai (2003)

It’s kind of a drama, but Ken Watanabe teaches Tom Cruise the true honor of the sword.

8. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2003)

A perfect demonstration of the beauty of martial arts told through a love story.

9. Hero (2002)

So beautiful I wept. Some of Jet Li’s finest work. Perhaps a perfect film.

10. Supercop (1992)

Jackie Chan and Michelle Yeoh in top form fighting thugs on the streets of Hong Kong.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

13 Assassins (2010)

If forty-five minute sword battles with flaming cattle are something you enjoy, then watch this film.

Anything with Sonny Chiba.

The Way of the Dragon (1972)

Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris throw down in the Roman coliseum. A must see.

Yojimbo (1961)

Another Kurosawa classic that is like a Western, which is why it inspired High Plains Drifter.

Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai (1999)

Forest Whitaker is a Jersey City hit man who lives by the code of the Samurai. The mob turns on him and learns the hard way.

Shaolin Temple (1976), Five Deadly Venoms (1978), Fists of Fury (1971), etc

I really could go on for pages.

THE TEN WORST MARTIAL ARTS MOVIES

1. Gymkata (1985)

“The Skill of Gymnastics. The Kill of Karate!” was the actual tagline. I am not kidding. In one ridiculous scene, a pommel horse just happens to be in the middle of a village for Kurt Thomas to bring the thunder. The film poster has ninjas on it. There are no ninjas in the film.

2. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)

Mortal Kombat. Any questions?

3. The Karate Kid, Part III and The Next Karate Kid (1989, 1994)

Ralph Macchio’s last stand and future Oscar winner Hilary Swank learns from the master.

4. The entire American Ninja franchise (1985-1993)

Loudest. Ninjas. Ever.

5. Bulletproof Monk (2003)

Please just kick Stifler in the face, somebody!

6. Lionheart (1990)

You have to scream the title like they did throughout the movie anytime Jean-Claude Van Damme fought. Yes, he did the splits.

7. Delta Force 2: The Columbian Connection (1990)

Chuck Norris goes south to take care of business. Boom!

8. Fatal Deviation (1998)

Ireland’s only martial arts film. You heard me: Irish. Martial. Arts. Film. When I think martial arts, I think Ireland. Complete with hobo monks that run a secret kung fu tournament.

9. Ninja Terminator (1985)

How did you guess that this came out in the 80’s? Villain with a blonde wig, tennis suit wearing ninjas, and a toy robot.

10. Black Belt Jones (1974)

It is a blaxploitation/kung fu mash-up! Scatman Crothers’s dojo is under fire from the mob! Yes, the same Scatman who is in The Shining and the voice of Hong Kong Phooey.

DISHONORABLE MENTIONS:

Beverly Hills Ninja (1997)

Chris Farley desecrating thousands of years of history.

Bloodsport (1988)

Jean-Claude Van Dumb.

CULT CLASSICS

By Neil T. Weakley

Some movies, like Star Wars or Jaws, made millions and everybody and their cousin’s dog saw and loved them. Hell, I saw Star Wars nine times in the theater when it came out. Other films are, say, Repo Man (what the hell is in the trunk?) or Death Race 2000 (yes, that is Sylvester Stallone). Not every film is destined to be a blockbuster, but box office failure can produce its own form of celebrity—the cult film.

Now, now, don’t get frightened by the name. You won’t need to drink any lethal Kool-Aid, though I might refer to it metaphorically. The point is, cult films are films that have found a particularly enthusiastic fan base. I guess some of those fans act like they drank some kind of Kool-Aid, but they’re generally harmless as long as you don’t tell them that the film that fuels their passion sucks. If you do, I’m afraid you’re on your own. Now, it’s not that these films aren’t successful, they just never found an initial audience to make millions right out of the gate. A good example is The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Not so big a deal when it was released, but over time it found a unique audience and ever since they’ve been showing it in sold-out theaters across the country as special midnight screenings, where people even dress up as now iconic characters and perform right along with the film. OK, that’s a fairly obvious example.

One of the best things about cult films is that they don’t have to be technically good. They can be just plain terrible. And yet, that is often the very reason they are enjoyable. Death Race 2000 came out the same year as Rollerball, and was clearly not as slick or high budget. It was just plain cheesier, and yet, it has a stronger cult fan base. We can laugh at cult films and laugh at them together, because laughing alone in a room is a little disconcerting to say the least, especially when you’re within earshot of other people.

As far as I can remember, my first taste of cult film, unknowingly at the time, was a late late show on TV on a Saturday night during high school. It was a double feature of Plan 9 from Outer Space and They Saved Hitler’s Brain. That’s a classic cult movie duo if there ever was one. Plan 9 was utterly terrible. Worse than terrible. Abysmal. It failed in every way possible. The acting was embarrassing, the editing was confusing, and the story was as childish as the plastic flying-saucers-on-strings effects. And the dialogue? It was hard to believe that anyone with any education at all wrote it. And yet, it was the funniest movie I had ever seen, and to this day I have not laughed so much in my entire life. Or if I have, I don’t remember because it has been overshadowed by that experience. We’re talking on-the-floor-gasping-for-air kind of laughter.

Plan 9 still entertains in ways most movies can’t. You could tell the actors were committed to the roles. They delivered their awful lines with such conviction. Plan 9 was so enjoyable I hadn’t the strength to enjoy They Saved Hitler’s Brain nearly as much, despite the fact that the image of Hitler’s head in a glass box giving orders to wannabe Nazis was pretty ridiculous.

Another significant part of cult films’ enjoyment is being able to share it. I watched Plan 9 that night with my best friend and there’s something to be said for being able to connect with someone that appreciates the same kind of obscure film. Cult films really separate certain people from the majority in a way that makes you feel part of something special. All the social outcasts or people that didn’t fit into any particular social clique, like me, flocked to that sort of thing. An appreciation for cult films made us feel like we belonged to an elite group. Most people wouldn’t “get” our movie. They wouldn’t understand the humor of Plan 9. They’re all drones. Sheep! And that’s the way we liked it.

There’s something that gets the adrenaline pumping when you find others that share your love of a movie. Cult films helped connect me to like-minded people, and in high school that sort of thing is paramount. Later in college I was a sponge for any art film or weird independent film I could find. Even now, if someone I meet just LOVES all the big Hollywood Michael Bay type movies, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Oh, sure, I’ll be polite and not necessarily judge them as a person, but I’m going to judge their taste in film. C’mon! Ask more of your movies!

You can be sure that if a woman lives on mainstream romantic comedies, I’m probably not going to be terribly interested. I want someone that will watch David Lynch films with me. A woman like that would have to be crazy, you say? Well, she couldn’t be any crazier than me. She’ll quote Ash with me in Army of Darkness, or understand the importance of the lights-off silence when you watch Blade Runner. Together we’ll count how many times Rowdy Roddy Piper gets hit during the fight scene in They Live. We’ll annoy everyone around us with our cult movie love. And maybe she’ll even introduce me to new cult films.

What is it about some movies that are enjoyably sucky, while other sucky movies just suck? I think it’s a combination of intent of the filmmakers, and the fact that everyone has a different sense of humor. That’s one of the joys of the cult film; when a film seems as if it were made in total seriousness, yet misses the mark in every way, some people see it as a train wreck, others see it as an overturned clown car with clowns running around and honking and throwing pies, depending on the viewer’s sensibilities. But that means there’s bound to be a cult film out there somewhere for you. With pies.

There’s never any shortage of films that are so bad they’re entertaining. Case in point: The movie Showgirls, from 1995. Wow, there’s a movie that was the other end of the financial spectrum as Plan 9, which was clearly made on a shoestring budget. The Showgirls script alone was bought for one million dollars. That’s a lot of money for an unintentionally funny script. Ah, the heartwarming story of a stripper trying to make it big as a Vegas showgirl. That’s where the real money is, I guess. All I know about that movie is where the big laughs are. Some of the worst dialogue ever written for the screen is contained in that miserable piece of celluloid, and you’ll laugh heartily at some really talented actors acting really silly. How did they not see how bad it was? The paychecks must have been pretty convincing. I don’t know, but the film has certainly made enough people happy in spite of itself. At least the film still entertains, even if it’s not the way they intended it to. Of course, it’s usually more fun to watch these films with friends or groups of likeminded people because hey, the more the merrier. Laughter is contagious, after all. Like a happy little disease. Chuckle flu.

However, bad movies that are unintentionally funny are only some ways that movies can become cult films. Other times, it’s that they are so extreme in their subject matter, or visual subject matter. How about David Lynch’s Eraserhead? Even I had trouble watching it the first time. The imagery is so off putting and disturbing, it’s like a train wreck; you can’t take your eyes off it. A man’s girlfriend gives birth to a, well, a thing, and she practically leaves it to him to raise. He’s about as off-put as the viewer, and almost as compelled to be involved, too. It’s the weird that attracts some people to it. Then, after Lynch made Blue Velvet, well, the cult grew. David Lynch’s following is, much like his films, unique but strong.

Let’s talk about Blue Velvet, because for me it was a film that opened up a very weird door. It started my love affair of the bizarre, independent film. Whereas Eraserhead was just disturbing and virtually unwatchable as a narrative, Blue Velvet was more tethered to reality and cohesive as a whole. There were great, memorable lines of dialogue, humor, and Dennis Hopper would make a roaring comeback of sorts as the twisted Frank Booth. He was terrifying and yet kind of hilariously over the top. Along with its good vs. evil and innocence lost after temptation themes, Blue Velvet spoke to me. It was dangerous and wholesome all at once. Lynch made his mark on my mind and there was no going back. And nobody forgets Dennis Hopper in this film. NOBODY.

You know, 1986 was a good year for Dennis Hopper in cult films. He was in Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. Yeah, definitely only a cult following saw this one. The film itself isn’t a masterpiece, but Hopper was exploring some pretty fringe characters, all of which were varying degrees of insane. It’s worth watching just for him. He also turned up in a little film called River’s Edge that same year, playing another weird character, though much less psychotic. Hell, you couldn’t get any crazier than Frank Booth. But Crispin Glover in River’s Edge would be the guy to give it a shot. Hopper AND Glover in a film together? That’s a potent cult movie cocktail if there ever was one.

I don’t know, maybe 1986 seems like a defining year because I was in college. We do so much exploring at that time and I did a lot of it with film. Hellraiser came out that same year, and it would make an impact on me as well. Clive Barker had such sights to show me, and boy did he ever. Pretty much redefined horror for me. There was something particularly visceral about that movie and the violence and gore was completely original, and if there’s one thing I love, it’s originality. Give me something I haven’t seen before, or at the very least, if you take a familiar idea, do something NEW with it. You want original? Watch the deliriously wonderful movie, The Dark Backward, where Judd Nelson plays a three-armed comedian. Ponder it, then send me love/hate mail later.

Cult films indeed come from every genre. The humor of This Is Spinal Tap. The audience participation of Rocky Horror Picture Show. The way-before-its-time sci-fi noir of Blade Runner. The over the top comic gore of Re-Animator and Evil Dead II. The stoner and slacker favorites of Dazed and Confused and Clerks. Cult films usually speak to a certain group of people. Horror movie fans, for instance, never fail to flock to their favorite films, and they are particularly passionate in their following. So much so that you’d think there were a lot more sociopathic/psychopathic killers out there than there really are. There are a lot of creative ways to kill a person, and these people want to know every one of them. Uh, probably for a book report they’re doing. Yeah, that’s it.

I’ll go see a screening of Army of Darkness or Evil Dead II any time it plays near enough to me. And in the case of Dazed and Confused, the stoner crowd loves to go to late night screenings high as a kite. But then, I guess they always watch it that way, it being a stoner movie and all.

Most cult films get the ever popular midnight screening, as Rocky Horror has had for decades. I think it’s in the cult movie book of rules and regulations, and strangely enough, most cult films seem to be more enjoyable at that time slot. Sure, many of them can be fun at other times of the day, but Evil Dead II just doesn’t have the same impact at noon as it does when the moon is out, you know?

Not every cult film has the audience participation Rocky Horror does but there are some notable additions to the canon. Repo! The Genetic Opera, from 2008, has audiences singing along and performing in theaters like Rocky Horror, just on a smaller scale. And one of my favorite recent bad films, The Room, has audiences shouting back lines at the screen at every showing—and it plays at regular midnight screenings in Hollywood. I can’t recommend seeing The Room enough. The acting is atrocious, the dialogue is baffling, and the leading man is hilariously perplexing to watch. It’s like the Plan 9 of our time. However, it’s a drama that was touted as having “the passion of Tennessee Williams.” Yeah, it’s more like Scenery Chewing 101. Yet there are enough fans to sell out the screening every month without fail. If you go, don’t forget to bring plastic spoons. Just take my word for it. You’ll be happy you did.

Some cult films are actually really good films that just happen to have a distinct following. It’s pretty safe to say that the Coen brothers have never really made a bad film. Some are better than others, but their bad films are still better than many directors’ good ones. The Big Lebowski has a cult following so strong that there is a Lebowski Fest, where fans gather together at bowling alleys dressed in bathrobes and fake and/or real beards. Yes, I’m serious. It’s usually a weekend long festival of unlimited bowling, now held in various cities. Now THAT’S commitment—and a very accurate description of a cult film. Can you imagine walking into a bowling alley and have fifty people all dressed in bathrobes and beards turn to look at you? Do you laugh or run? Or find your own bathrobe?

I love Terry Gilliam films. Lots of people love Brazil, Twelve Monkeys, or The Fisher King, but many of Gilliam’s films are purely cult films. The Adventures of Baron Munchausen is utterly amazing. It’s easily one of my favorite Gilliam films, but mostly only diehard fans know of it. How about Tideland? It’s a dark but fascinating little film of his that maybe ten people saw in its brief theatrical run. Even I didn’t know of it until after it had been released. Gilliam’s films are always so fantastical even when they are based in reality, which, granted, isn’t all that often. Most of them are a lot like an acid trip. Or maybe mushrooms. Don’t ask how I know that. (Hi, family!) But he always has compelling scripts and the most elaborate and fully realized production design in film, next to Tim Burton. He completely engulfs you in his worlds.

Oh, and speaking of Tim Burton, he may be credited with making the most expensive cult film ever. Mars Attacks! cost over eighty million dollars to make, and only about thirty people love it. I saw it in my first real Hollywood film premiere at the Chinese Theatre. I still have the ticket and the t-shirt they gave us. I thought it was silly and hilarious. Give me the weird and overlooked films. I’ll find something to like about them. They’re like the train with the square wheels or the Charlie-in-the-Box on the Island of Misfit Toys. Somebody needs to love them; it may as well be me.

Cult films will always connect with certain people in a unique but powerful way. Not that it’s any different with any other film, but the number of people that connect with a cult film is certainly less, therefore making them feel like they’re special, and everyone likes to feel special. It’s that thing that connect groups of people that otherwise might feel somehow disconnected. You know how you feel when you find other people that love that strange little movie you didn’t think anyone else knew about? Yeah, me too. Suddenly you feel like you’re part of an elite group of uniquely minded individuals that are secretly better than everyone else. And you are. Well, you know, in a matter of speaking. We don’t want to be snobs or anything, but come on, if you love Institute Benjamenta by the Brothers Quay, your pedestal is a little bit higher.

Even though I’m your average moviegoer type, I can still call in a little bit of snobbery over an obscure cult film. Who’s going to tell me I’m wrong? Not many people know about it, and that’s the beauty of cult films. They don’t necessarily exist by the same critical standards of other films. We already know it probably won’t win any awards, and the people that love it are going to stick together. So screw everyone else. It’s the passion for these films that bring people to these midnight screenings, some of them in costume, with makeup on, with props; all as a part of enjoying the ritual of watching one of their favorite films with people that will understand them.

You love saying “Ni!” loudly at the screen when the Knights say it in Monty Python and the Holy Grail? You get involuntary giggles when Ash says “Gimme some sugar, baby.”? Fear not, reader, for there is sure to be a screening of one sometime, somewhere near you, and when it shows up, go and you will find many like you. You’ll make a bunch of new friends and you’ll revel in the joy that is that special film that only your unique group knows about. Go on. Do it. Drink the Kool-Aid. You can choose your own flavor. You’ll feel special, you’ll BE special. Just like the cult film you go to see.

THE TEN BEST CULT FILMS

1. Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959)

Best worst movie ever.

2. Withnail and I (1987)

Two out of work British actors try to drink all the booze. ALL of it.

3. Evil Dead II (1987)

(Or any of the Evil Dead films, really). Bruce Campbell has been given deity status.

4. Blade Runner (1985)

One of my fave films ever. Sci-fi noir? Yes, please.

5. Brazil (1985)

Perhaps the best of Terry Gilliam’s work.

6. Blue Velvet (1986)

This movie changed the way I looked at film in general. (“Now it’s dark.”)

7. The Warriors (1979)

“Can you DIG iiiit!?”

8. Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1974)

The film to which all British humor is compared.

9. Nightbreed (1990)

This was Clive Barker’s second film. Monsters live in Midian. Unique characters and great quotable lines make this as awesome as Hellraiser.

10. UHF (1989)

Weird Al Yankovic makes a movie! Wacky hilarity ensues! (“Wheel! Of! Fish!”).

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Showgirls (1995)

This goes next to Plan 9 from Outer Space as the second best worst movie ever.

The Room (2003) is third. And Re-Animator (1985) is too funny. How about Office Space (1999)? Ack. Somebody stop me.

SEQUELS, TRILOGIES, AND FRANCHISES

By Dean Haglund

It was August of 2008 when I was performing in Edinburgh that a Scottish newspaper thought it would be a good story if a reporter and I took in the X-Files sequel I Want to Believe and then talk about it afterwards. I would have some great backstories and know all the inside scoop on stuff. Except for the one problem . . . I wasn’t in it. That didn’t matter to them, so we went, and after the lights came up the reporter looked over to me with the same look you might use with a person whose cousin is an axe murderer; you’re not directly responsible but you share DNA. He wanted to know what I thought and if I had any idea what went wrong. I did have an idea, like any armchair director, but I didn’t blurt it out in the paper. I thought I would save it for a book one day.

I realized that maybe it takes a reporter’s inquisitiveness to determine the success of a sequel. The old five “W’s” of reporter’s questions might help. So I applied them here.

First off—WHY was this made? That is the question for any sequel. The answer generally is money (either to make more or save in marketing), but sometimes storytellers have more to say with the characters and situations that came from the original. However, that is rare.

Just as drama is a function of human experience, the sequel is a function of marketing and cash flow. You can more easily find sequels that suck than ones that remove the sucky elements to make a better movie. There was a time in our naïve past when the idea was to make a movie and IF it was good you would then go back and explore other facets of the world created by that movie, either seeing the characters on another adventure (Bing and Bob road movies) or new characters in that faraway place, like 2010: The Year We Made Contact, a sequel to 2001: A Space Odyssey. Oh such simpletons, letting all that money slip through their fingers.

In recent years, sequels have become something entirely different. I recently sat with some execs from a couple of the studios, and being the “creative” in the circle, I asked, “What’s everyone looking for these days to fill their tent pole summers schedules?”

“We’re looking for PL’s—Product Locomotives,” one replied.

“What’s that?” I asked.

En masse they said, “These are scripts that can become major financial engines that can cross-pollinate to other areas of revenue, including but not limited to books, theme parks, video games, TV, apps, etc. It doesn’t matter as long as the sequels keep giving and they in turn promote the other products available–the front engine to the rest of the boxcars loaded with crap that you will also want to buy because you so enjoyed the PL in the first place.”

I left the table to adapt everything on my hard drive to be a PL.

HOW was this made?—In X-Files creator Chris Carter’s case, with a lot of pressures from every angle. First, it was held up for years because of a twenty-five million dollar lawsuit with the studio. I’m sure that made the meetings a little tense, but he did the smart thing which was to work on a outline with Frank Spotnitz so that when the suit was settled and the green light came they would sail easily into production. It ALMOST worked like that, except that when Frank moved production offices the box with the story notes and cards went missing, never to be found again.

So they had to write a movie from scratch and do it in three months while getting into pre-production. Then a writers’ strike meant that they couldn’t do re-writes after December so they shot the first draft, more or less.

James Cameron was at one time a young unknown. He expressed a desire to do the Alien sequel and did an outline in four days that seemed to please most, but they weren’t sure. It all depended on how well the first Terminator movie did. That was held up for nine months because Arnold was stuck on re-shoots with Conan the Destroyer (which could have used another year to save that one).

So while he was waiting, Cameron wrote a 90-page screenplay that was action crazy and quite a page turner. Finally, when the Terminator looked like it was a hit, he went to England to shoot Aliens, where he fought with the English style of filmmaking (seriously, 2 pm tea break? Time is money, people). He fought with the cameraman who was over-lighting the Alien nest and he left the set. The final film print wasn’t even ready for a critic’s screening it came so down to the wire to have this movie ready for the release date. Yet it was a massive hit.

These two examples prove that How is not always an indicator of success, but it is always the excuse for the failure.

WHEN was this made?—No art exists in a vacuum. Often there are topical ideas that are expressed in movies, especially science fiction, that call for a sequel or remake in order to capture or investigate some social issue. Battlestar Galactica was redone as a series that explored suicide bombings as a way to stop Cylons.

That is the ultimate failure of Tron: Legacy. This was a long haul to nowhere. After having slowly built expectations and testing the fan waters with releasing new video games in 2003 and teaser trailers at Comic Con since 2008 the movie was launched into the 3D ultra high tech computer grid world. And it was still dull. Once the kid finds his father, well, you kind of sucked out any reason to stick around. Also, the digitized younger looking Jeff Bridges made everyone realize that they have just wasted millions in plastic surgery when it can be done with After Effects. The first Tron represented our fear/love with the coming computer revolution. Now that we live it, this movie did nothing to explain our disconnect, it only heightened it.

WHO made it?—My friend in acting class was very excited when he got cast as George in George of the Jungle 2, replacing the buffed out Brendan Fraser. What he didn’t realize was that just as the producers saved money on casting his relative unknown-ness into the lead, everyone else involved was also similarly less experienced and cost effective. So the movie was a disappointing time for all involved, and not the big budget fun of the first thing.

It is ironic that in 1975 Spielberg said to an audience at the San Francisco Film Festival that “making a sequel to anything is just a cheap carny trick.” (If only ‘75 Spielberg could talk to modern Spielberg. Or send him to the future with a gun to stop him from destroying his own creations.) Back then, Spielberg didn’t even bother to return the call when he was asked to direct Jaws 2. Instead, they went with a theater director who went all dark and subtle with the movie. That was ridiculous, thought the producers, who then brought in Jeannot Szwarc, known for his Ironside episodes. Szwarc fought with Roy Scheider who was there trying to run out his contract. In the end, it made tons of money because, they say, of the strength of the tag line: “Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water.” The age of sequel marketing was born.

WHAT was it made for?—This is more about budget, which affects who you can hire to make it. It is also is the law of diminishing returns where you are developing a brand while curtailing costs, since any hit movie suddenly comes with an extra hundred execs that were suddenly there from the beginning. All those salaries come at the expense of other talent, and thus money that would be up there on the screen in the first one, is now working behind the scenes making sure “this puppy has legs.” This is why some successful sequels and franchises are imagined all at once from the writers’ original conception. Star Wars, Harry Potter, and The Lord of the Rings are all original sagas that span years and have each act so well crafted within its group that it can be broken into individual movies and still satisfy when watching the whole thing as a box set. The risk is that all that money is upfront and there is always a chance it could suck.

So can I deduce any lessons from the making and the fallout in the aftermath? The answer is probably not. This X-Files movie was the one that fans clamored, nay, screamed for. Then, as the gang rushed to make it, the fans barely showed up to see it. That just goes to show that a sequel, regardless of pedigree, is never a sure thing.

More sad then a poorly thought sequel is when film makers feel compelled to redo a movie. There is an argument for updating the story for modern times, like A Star A Born, with the 70’s rock track, but it is quite another to redo some film while the original still resonates in the present day.

Most peculiar is the “shot for shot” re-filming of certain movies, either because they are in a foreign language or in the case of Gus Van Sant’s Psycho—because you were really high when you went to that pitch meeting at Universal. I can forgive Let the Right One In or Girl with the Dragon Tattoo being re-done for North America, but Psycho? With Anne Heche and Vince Vaughn (I’m sure it was his idea to add the one scene not in the original—him whacking off through a peephole)—you might as well have casted from your local summer stock touring company. Basically, Gus showed film students around the world that great filmmaking comes not from a series of shots, but that which lies between. Though critics had made him seem like the film world’s bright hope, that one film changed my opinion of all his earlier work as being nothing more than lucky drug-addled concoctions. Way to screw that up.

In America, approximately 650-800 feature length films are completed every year. Your local megaplex shows 75 of them. The other 700 or so fill up the 12,000 film festivals that exist around the world now, along with the other countries making movies, the numbers for which I can’t even bother to count. A lot of those movies are either slightly less than average or downright awful. Given how hard it is to make everyone know about any given thing on any given day, the sequel provides a leg up above the din of crap that comes out every weekend. So if you are just in it for weekend numbers, then that is all you have to spend money on. Not talent or thought. Just make it trailer-rific and hope that you are not up against some James Cameron vehicle that weekend. Then the title brand plus curiosity should be enough to get your money back plus some profit on the side.

So faced with those numbers, who would not jump at the chance to do Saw 8 or Leprechaun 12 knowing that you will, at least, be seen, if that is the goal as it seems to be expressed by so many in this town? So let the sequel reign, and jeer Jar-Jar Binks for beginning the great wrecking of that which was so dear. Because no one goes out of their way to make a crappy film. But they do go out of their way to make a money grab. Next time make sure that money isn’t yours.

THE TEN BEST SEQUELS,
TRILOGIES OR FRANCHISES

1. Keystone Kops (1912-1917)

I think it’s the first sequel ever made. These silent movie buffoons would generally be short films where they would all run and chase a bad guy and do some incredible stunts on and off a Model-T. In fact, they were a franchise copied by other studios that also put reckless cops in open top cars. Stealing ideas seem to be free back then.

2. The Thin Man (1934-1947)

William Powell was a great detective who loved his wife, knew all the crooks, drank a lot, partied with aplomb, and solved the murder at the end, while his dog Asta added comic relief in between. Why are there not a million of these?

3. Sherlock Holmes (1939-Present)

Though Basil Rathbone/Nigel Bruce may have my least favorite of all the incarnations, the storylines and crisp directing made for fun upon repeating viewings. The Hound of the Baskervilles looks like it was shot on a Jane Austen set, but it is the updated pro-America at war against the Nazis (Sherlock Holmes in Washington and Sherlock Holmes and the Secret Weapon) that have Basil at his most rigorous.

4. The Pink Panther (1963-2009)

The original was to be David Niven’s movie but it was Peter Sellers’s character that was so strong and well developed that the sequels became about him. Lesson to actors: There are no small parts!

5. Aliens (1986) and Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

James Cameron has got to have balls of steel. He can take a monster from a horror story and turn it into a somewhat sympathetic mom in an action-packed thrill ride, or take a robotic bad guy and make him a good guy as the same character! All fairly brilliant moves, and his sensibilities land squarely in the center of our collective adrenaline pseudo scientific imaginations that has grown in lock step with the technology of filmmaking itself. Exploring ideas of robots self actualizing and corporate greed as the ultimate doom of mankind, these movies barely give a nod to their predecessors and the original films are merely starting points.

6. Star Wars 4, 5, & 6 (1977, 1980, 1983)

Back in 1976, George Lucas hands in a script that is some 167 pages long, and it was a Fox studio executive that said, “This is like three movies instead of one,” and with that, the idea of three picture deals was born. Then, not realizing what they had, they let George Lucas keep the merchandising rights! If you remember, there were no toys or actions figures when the first movie came out. It took a good six to eight months before the first Kenner items hit the shelves. The delayed products almost missed the craze. It is why I had to go and build my own TIE Fighter out of modeling plastic and make a ceramic R2-D2 in art class. 20th Century Fox then realized that they had let millions slip through their fingers and vowed ever since then to always retain merchandising rights. Never again would a movie go through their offices and not have a thousand product tie-ins even if no one would see it.

7. James Bond (1962-present)

Talk about surviving the slings and arrows of the times. The fact that Daniel Craig’s Casino Royale can come after Moonraker is just amazing in my books.

8. The Godfather (1972-1990)

The only time an original and a sequel each won a best picture Oscar. That was because we had met the Corleone family and, if you think about it, the death of Marlon Brando’s character is really the end of the first act. The real story is which family members take over the family business. All three parts of the Godfather trilogy are a really, really long drawn out single movie that is telling the story of one family.

9. The Lord of the Rings (2001-2013)

I auditioned for an elf in that movie franchise. My manager at the time said that I would have to live for two years in New Zealand and that it could very well suck and ruin everything. He said that before I went in the room. I have since fired that guy.

10. Indiana Jones, but specifically Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)

Sean Connery plays a Holy Grail chasing Dr. Jones and has great father and son chemistry with Harrison Ford. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom should have added Sean Connery.

THE TEN WORST SEQUELS,
TRILOGIES OR FRANCHISES

1. The Matrix Reloaded (2003) and The Matrix Revolutions (2003)

Here, I believe, the Wachowski brothers had NO IDEA what their movie was about! Based on the two later incarnations it seems they didn’t get the metaphor for a Zen Buddhist nirvana, where you can see through the surface to the code underneath, and that all bullets cease to harm, and that you can fight AND observe your own fighting at the same time. This was the climax of the first film and that the sequels then should have had a grittier fight-the-computer-robots-on-the-surface-world approach, instead of looking like a Gap ad and then going back into the program to fight more agents. WHY? He can see through it. Why go back?! The point was to lead others from darkness to the light, unplug their power source and start a revolution. Clearly, they had read all their reviews and added much more TELLING and less showing.

2. Pirates of the Caribbean (2003-2011)

Jerry Bruckheimer had to go to bat for Johnny Depp in defending his character choices in the first one. All executives thought that his character was “too gay” and it seemed like he was drunk all the time. Until it was released, THEN it seemed like the other three sequels were like the execs were just off camera yelling “more gayness, more drunky thing.”

3. Star Wars 1, 2 & 3 (1999, 2002, 2005)

I do not have to reiterate the litany of fuck-ups that Lucas has done post-release to his PL. Nothing so sucked the awesome mythic power out of a Product Locomotive like these three–technically sequels, but in the timeline they lead up to the rebel/empire schism. And what could be more exciting than trade council debates and horrible character choices that make you think that Lucas had no idea what he was doing in the first one? Or that it was just a bunch of very helpful execs at FOX who guided those first three movies to their ultimate success? You know you really fucked up something when the possible explanation for your first successes is movie executives KNEW what they are doing.

4. Halloween (1978-2009)

Great thing about a killer in a mask, you can cast anyone to do these. Think of the savings!

5. Hellraiser (1987-2011)

The smart thing any B-movie actor should do when you land a cool role. Buy the rights to the makeup look, and score a deal that only YOU can be Hellraiser and wear the Pinhead outfit. Smart move. He did a total of eight films.

6. Saw (2004-2010)

Make your villain a disconnected voice and have the actor just phone it in? Think of the savings!

7. Friday the 13th (1987-2009)

By the time Jason takes Manhattan—which was really Vancouver, it was just a extra in a mask looking for directions. Think of the children!! Won’t someone please . . .

8. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002)

This was a grand plan to make a movie that would span ten other sequels. Sadly, it is not enough to have two mixed race people solving crimes, and then name your production company “Franchise Pictures.” That would be the same as naming my production company “Viral Video” because my marketing plan is to make viral videos. Heads up, that’s what we all want, you doofus. (A quick Google search shows that there are at least ten companies with the name “Viral Video.” Sigh.)

9. Troll 2 (1990)

Just a quick word on the WORST SEQUEL EVER. The movie was actually called Goblins and the distributors re-named it Troll 2 hoping to capture some of the audience from that other movie (knowing full well no one would ever see a movie that was about vegan burlapped goblins who turn people to plants to eat them that was directed and written phonetically by two Italian non-English speakers and then cast with whomever showed up on the first day including someone let out on a day pass from a nearby mental institution). Lesson here, make any movie you want and title it Gone with the Wind 2 and you should be set.

10. Police Academy (1984-1994)

The first one was amusing, then it just goes into an abyss of lunacy. (Also could go in “Movies We’re Ashamed to Admit We Like.”)

MOVIES WE’RE
ASHAMED TO
ADMIT WE LIKE

“Point Break with Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze. I will watch this movie over and over. The plot is simple: Keanu is a Heisman trophy-winning quarterback working as an undercover cop to infiltrate a band of bank robbing surfers led by mystical Buddhist lunatic Patrick Swayze. Wait, fuck you, I am not ashamed.”

—Greg Proops

“Two Weeks Notice and Music and Lyrics. They are both terrible. My only defense is that I had a cold when I saw Two Weeks Notice. I have no defense for Music and Lyrics.”

—Jackie Kashian

“Starship Troopers is a bloody fight with giant alien bugs, biting satire, and a dash of propaganda parody. It’s terrible, and yet awesome. It’s like a SyFy movie of the week if the people making it actually gave a shit. Oddly close to the book, too.”

—Chris Mancini

“The Karate Kid. This Ralph Macchio vehicle is pure magic. Pat Morita teaches Daniel-san how to fight with yard work. And the nut job bad guy teacher with his Hitler youth students. ‘Sweep the leg’ are words to live by.”

—Graham Elwood

“Puppet Master–What can I say; I’ve always been a sucker for killer puppets with a Nazi motif.”

—Matt Weinhold

“Yes, Grease 2 is a cheesy, awful sequel to the Travolta/Newton-John mega-hit. Yes, the mere presence of Lorna Luft should make you flee in terror from a theater. And yes, there is a four-minute song about having sex in a bowling alley . . . but all transgressions are forgotten when the impossibly gorgeous Michelle Pfeiffer climbs a ladder in skintight black jeans and sticks her tongue out while singing ‘Cool Rider.’ Fifteen-year-old me jerked off to that so much he was dehydrated; 44-year-old me can’t wait to finish typing this so I can go to YouTube.”

—Mike Schmidt

“Rudy. Tiny person barely gets to play football. Once.”

—Dave Anthony

“You Don’t Mess with the Zohan. When you are as big as Adam Sandler you would think you have the international star power to bring peace to your people’s land. So you and the sharpest minds in comedy write a script that shows the problems and solution between Jews and Palestinians. IS it the funniest thing ever? No. Is it a thoughtful political examination? Nope. But it is an effort to do more with his inane comedies than make inane comedies. And for that reason alone I like this thing.”

—Dean Haglund

“Conan the Destroyer is one of the best sequels ever, and I am not going to hear another word about it. Monsters, swords, wizards, cheesy effects, cheesy Grace Slick, and basketball legend Wilt Chamberlain. And everyone seems to take their role very seriously.”

—Chris Mancini

“Lots of people saw the movie Babe, and loved it. Almost as many saw the sequel, Babe: Pig in the City, but a lot less people enjoyed it. It’s a totally bonkers movie where the pig Babe goes to the big city to win a show and save the Hoggit farm. It’s full of weird, dark characters like an orangutan with a nefarious scheme to kill Babe. Throw in a sad, drunk clown played by Mickey Rooney and you have a so-called kid’s movie that may put your kids in group therapy. But me? I love it. It’s really weird. OK, I’m not at all ashamed of liking it.”

—Neil T. Weakley

“Smokey and the Bandit. Burt Reynolds, Jerry Reed, and Oscar winner Sally Field are smuggling Coors beer on a bet. I am all in! And the best movie song ever! ‘We’ve got a long way to go and a short time to get there. We’re gonna do what they say can’t be done!’ Sung by Jerry Reed. Victory!”

—Graham Elwood

“Stuart Saves His Family. What could have been a painfully long SNL sketch turned out to be a good story with an unlikable character that you kinda like. So I ended up liking it. Thank you very much, Harold Ramis. There, I said it. And no, I will not apologize.”

—Suzy Nakamura

“Godzilla’s Revenge–A bullied child retreats into a fantasy world where he visits Godzilla and his son, Minya, on Monster Island. Godzilla and son teach the boy the importance of courage, helping him to eventually stand up to the bullies, and even thwart some bank robbers on the run. If a Godzilla version of an After School Special isn’t ridiculous enough, Minya is able to shrink down to the size of a child and has a voice like Barney Rubble. Magnificent!”

—Matt Weinhold

“Soldier. Yeah, you may not know this one. Kurt Russell is Sergeant Todd, a genetic super soldier in the future, but it seems he’s obsolete. The new soldiers are stronger, faster, even colder. Todd is dumped on a garbage planet, left for dead. After discovering a peaceful settlement there, he must defend them against these new super soldiers. This movie is cheesy, has some corny moments, and is fairly predictable. BUT, Soldier is satisfying in that the villains get what they deserve, AND, though it doesn’t really have much relevance, this film takes place in the same universe as Blade Runner. It’s written by the same writer. I suspect I am one of maybe twelve people who have seen this, and even less who like it. But that’s my cross to bear.”

—Neil T. Weakley

“Road House. A bouncer has sex with a hot doctor and someone drives a truck over a few cars. Nothing else needs to be said.”

—Dave Anthony

“The first Halloween. Like The Ramones, many of its imitators are far more successful than the original article, but that’s a function of commerce, not of merit. Halloween has truly spooky theme music, moves at a consistently scary pace, and was wise enough to connect itself to a holiday—which many of its votaries also attempted to do with less effectiveness. But none of them possessed the secret weapon of an incredibly sympathetic, and innocently sexy, Jamie Lee Curtis. That’s the kind of sugar poppa likes.”

—Lord Carrett

“Halloween III: Season of the Witch. No Michael Myers. A mass-murder plot involving fragments of Stonehenge that somehow turn people into piles of snakes and insects. Most important of all, this song: ‘Six more days ‘til Halloween, Halloween, Halloween. Six more days ‘til Halloween, Silver Shamrock!’ I have never met another person who likes this movie; I think I like it for that fact alone.”

—Mike Schmidt

“The Pirate Movie. I don’t ironically love it. I LOVE it. I know all the words to all the songs and several of them still make me cry. I will tear up at ‘First Love’ and sometimes also, ‘How Can I Live Without Her.’ As I type that last title, I cringe at how incredibly ridiculous it sounds. I suppose it has to do with the giant hormone that fired the first time I watched it, and it formed a neural pathway that I’m forced to relive in every future viewing. It’s delicious, but embarrassing.”

—Laura House

“I hate to admit it but whenever any film from the Rambo franchise comes on, I’m glued. I love Stallone when he kills bad guys. Beating them up isn’t enough.”

—Allan Havey

MOVIES THAT
DESERVE TO
BE YELLED AT

By Dave Anthony

I’ve seen quite a few movies in my time, which means I know more pain than your average human being. Sure, there are decent films, especially ones made in the past. I’d like to throw a hump on many movies from the 70’s but that’s not just physically impossible but also illegal in thirty-six states. I’ve grown accustomed to watching the vile nonsense Hollywood now puts out, but there are certain movies that send me over the top. They are the movies that make me want to stand up and yell at them for all to hear.

There are many, many movies that should be on the end of a good yelling. Hollywood seems to excel in this type of film these days. We modern cinema viewers find ourselves falling in a bottomless pit of zero creativity. Hollywood is driven by profits, which is to be expected and does not necessarily result in poor films. Making films palpable for viewers in every country on the planet to maximize overseas profits, however, does result in poor films. Films are now created for the enjoyment of every human on Earth, whether he is a trader on Wall Street or a gentleman cleaning sewage out of a sewage hole in Sewageiztan. This means big studio films are homogenized crap and dumbed down to the dumbest level of dumb.

That does not mean I yell at those films, however. Watching cars turn into robots and run around the world while a lady tries to act beside them does not make me want to yell because I don’t expect Shia LaBeouf to be able to act (I mean, seriously, he’s about as manly as Madea is womanly). It’s not enough to just be another of 92 lame Pirates of the Caribbean films or a ridiculous disaster film, like 2012. I expect those films to be ridiculous and completely lacking in substance, so I don’t want to yell. There has to be another special element. That element can come in the form of good reviews for a bad film, or a poor remake of a classic, or trying to make an action star a comedy star, or anything by M. Night Shyamalan after The Sixth Sense. But before I discuss the trail of filth left behind by Shyamalan, I will cover the ultimate example of a well-reviewed film that is scream worthy: Avatar.

Only in Hollywood can a gentleman spend 500 million dollars to make a film yet forget to have a script. Or maybe I should put it another way; “REALLY? A MAGIC FUCKING TREE?” Avatar is the ultimate example of a movie I would like to yell at. It’s all about visuals with a story dumbed down to third grade level. Basically, it’s like looking at a pretty picture that keeps saying stupid shit.

Great science fiction is actually about something and has a complex message. Avatar is like being hit in the face with a dumb hammer, repeatedly, for nine hours, or however long I endured that torture. Hey, guess what? Avatar was a metaphor for the greenhouse effect. Shocking, right? Plants are all connected to a “network” and if you kill a tree it affects everything, bro. How can you write that sentence without putting “bro” at the end? You can’t.

Oh, and you know what else? Someone tries to push his or her ways onto an indigenous people and it doesn’t go that well. Has anyone ever not written a movie with that theme? If you’re spending bucket loads of money, maybe dig a little deeper or don’t grab an idea out of the idiot bag. Or at least execute it in a way that is too complex for a chipmunk to understand.

Avatar would be a great movie for people who have never actually seen a movie. Good first intro film. Look at it like a tricycle or baby food. Start slow. Don’t jump in with something that might make you think. That’s why Avatar should forever be yelled at. Spending that much money on a film and not coming up with a decent script or story is no different than killing a puppy.

Oh, but the critics loved Avatar. What a delight! Blue people flying around on featherless birds! It’s like a miracle! And they come out of the screen at you! Wow! And I love magic trees! And one-dimensional characters! And floating islands! And if you made shit talk I would give it four stars! I’m an idiot who just wants the studio to send me on press junkets!

And fuck Avatar for starting the 3-D movement. Fuck you forever.

Now, since I’m on the subject of spending tons of money on films without a decent script, I should probably talk about M. Night Shyamalan. Aka: Shamallama, Shamalamadingdong, or Larry. What in the hell happened to this man? Was he dipped in a vat of halfwit? How does a gentleman go from making The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable to something like The Happening without having a serious brain injury? I know the answer but I really wanted to frame that as a question. Here it is: He bought into his own bullshit. He became complacent and thinks he can squat over a toilet and crank out a classic film without thinking. It’s rage inducing. Everyone has to work to make art. There’s a process.

When someone starts out with so much promise and a unique voice, as a film lover, I become excited. I look forward to his next film. Sometimes I will carve busts of their sweet faces in my food or sacrifice animals to the gods to help their next project. When that filmmaker then produces something like The Village, I should be allowed to haul them into a train car and yell at them for hours. The Village should have been called Fuck It, I’m Going With the First Draft.

When one tracks M’s films from beginning to end, a startling picture of laziness begins to develop. The Sixth Sense was a very well crafted piece of art. It was subtle, cunning, and creepy, with a spectacular twist at the end. Unbreakable was a step down. The writing became a bit lazier. It was nowhere near as polished or as thought out as The Sixth Sense but it was good. Next came Signs. Signs could have easily been called This Is a Sign That I Won’t Be Spending As Much Time Writing. With Signs, M. Night took subtlety down to his cellar and beat the living shit out of it with a board. It will be the first chapter in Foreshadowing for Dummies.

Have you noticed I’m putting water glasses all over the house with no decent explanation? Do you think something will happen with those glasses? You do? That’s probably because I am having them placed all over the house for no reason. Oh, also, water glasses. Did I mention water glasses? They are all over the house. There will be a reason for this nonsense. I promise. Water. Glasses.

M&N was rewarded for his laziness with box office success and he then took the rest of his films off a cliff. And that’s not a metaphor. I’m fairly certain he took his remaining scripts, packed them into a VW bus filled with explosives and drove it off a cliff. That’s the only explanation I can come up with for The Village, The Lady in the Water, The Happening, and The Last Airbender. Nighty Night should be forced to watch those movies Clockwork Orange-style for the rest of his life.

Amazingly, these films get worse in succession. After watching The Village, it would be reasonable for a gentleman to walk away thinking, “Well, he stumbled and probably won’t do worse than that again. Ever.” And then that gentleman would walk out of The Lady in the Water thinking, “I was wrong, he made something worse.” And then that gentleman would walk out of The Happening yelling, “I don’t know what’s happening. Does M. Night hate me personally?” And then that gentleman would leave The Last Airbender screaming. Just screaming, like a madman who has seen such unspeakable horror that he cannot function any longer as a human.

Deep down in M. Shamama there is a good director and writer. He’s trapped in a pile of stupid and arrogance but he’s still down there. The only way to get him out is to yell at Shamallama if you see him. Loud and in his face. Do it. Save us all. Be a hero.

The word “hero,” which I conveniently left at the end of my last paragraph, just happens to tie into the next type of movie I wish to yell at. These types of movies make me want to crawl into someone’s head and yell at them from the inside because yelling from the outside isn’t working. STOP PUTTING ACTION HEROES IN FAMILY COMEDIES.

There is nothing I love more than a new tough guy action star hitting the scene in Hollywood. They’ve been around forever; Charles Bronson, James Coburn, Charlton Heston, Steve McQueen, Robert Mitchum, Richard Widmark, James Cagney, Clint Eastwood, Lee Marvin, the list goes on and on. And they were tough guys for a reason. Back then, they made tough guy movies with lots of punching and shooting, and then they made another tough guy movie with shooting and punching, and then their next project would be a movie with shooting, punching and slapping. You know what they didn’t do? Babysitting. I’m fairly certain if you asked Robert Mitchum to star in a movie in which he was a babysitter, he would not stop punching you until you looked like shwarma. And yet, that is what all tough guys do today and they suck because of it.

It all started with Ivan Reitman and Arnold Schwarzenegger coming together to create a movie called Kindergarten Cop. Ha ha! He was big tough guy who suddenly found himself in the zany world of children! Have you ever heard the term “fish out of water?” What about “large man who can barely talk as a kid’s teacher?” That second one is not as catchy of a cliché, but it was successful and we have had to suffer ever since. I compare it to syphilis because I have no moral compass or ability to comprehend magnitudes of importance. So, Kindergarten Cop = syphilis.

Kindergarten Cop then spawned Junior, a movie in which Arnold became pregnant and had a baby come out of his . . . uh . . . manhole? I’m honestly surprised that Heston, Bronson, Eastwood and Coburn didn’t pull up to Arnold’s house in Brentwood with pipes and chains to work Schwarzenegger over. Sadly, the opposite happened.

The new tough guys of film jumped on the genre. Hulk Hogan (admittedly, I am playing loose with the idea of movie stars here) played a nanny in the movie Mr. Nanny. Get it? He’s a nanny and he’s a Mr. It’s pretty clever shit. Fortunately, it bombed. As did the Chuck Norris comedy vehicle Top Dog, in which Chuck plays a cop with a dog as a partner. Ha ha! Who’s in charge? OH, THE HIJINKS!

That was 1995. It appeared the nightmare was over. I mean, if Hogan and Norris couldn’t score box office gold, maybe it was a bad formula. Hollywood backed down and there was peace in the world. Chickens and foxes became lovers. Sharks and tuna swam together as one. I experimented with homosexuality.

All was well until 2005. That’s when Ice Cube decided to ruin the world, upsetting this delicate truce by making the film Are We There Yet? I assume he is asking if we are at the point where a guy who used to sing “Fuck tha Police” is now starring in a wacky family movie about a road trip. Yes, we are. This successful film led to a human centipede of action stars in crazy, fish out of water situations. Jackie Chan starred in The Spy Next Door. Vin Diesel was in The Pacifier. It was really a terrible time for humanity.

Then the unthinkable happened. The Rock went into Dressville and pranced around in lady clothes (at least that’s what happened in my head). When The Rock left the wrestling ring and jumped into movies, I was ecstatic. So I was quite pleasantly surprised when he appeared in The Rundown and was an ass-kicking monster. Oh, and he could act. This guy was clearly destined to be the next badass from Punchy Town, and I was going to spend years watching him end the lives of worthless losers on screen. And it seemed that way for a bit. He was the real deal. Then he kissed Steve Carrell in Get Smart. Sure, they were fighting on top of a moving bus but it was still a kiss. Lip on lip. Tough guys don’t kiss other dudes—unless it’s one of those “this kiss is from the Godfather and it means you’re dead” kisses that is followed by a knife under the ribcage. When The Rock kissed Carrell, it was the beginning of the end for the next great tough guy hope.

The Rock then went on an unprecedented tough-guy-in-lame-movies run. On and on it went until he landed on the “I want to yell at you” yelliest movie of all time: The Tooth Fairy. The Rock plays a tough guy hockey player who is forced to be a tooth fairy. He flies around on his new wings and fights cats and stuff. Holy shit could there be a worse idea for a tough guy to attach himself to star in? Did he really allow himself to be put into a tutu? Is this really happening to the future of punch and shoot and slap? Yes. And it’s Hollywood’s fault.

It’s the fault of agents and managers for trying to broaden the audience of a man whose fists were created to stop the flow of oxygen to other guys’ brains. It’s the studio executive who joyously masturbates when he thinks of The Rock as a tooth fairy. They can’t just let a good thing be. They have to ruin it with their nonsense. They have to take what is pure man and turn it into soft, impure man because they have no souls. They need The Tooth Fairy starring The Rock to exist. They have to put The Rock in a dress because they want grown men to cry and be sad. Forever. And we are. Because like Chris Mancini said earlier, we need action stars. Personally, I have to live through them or I am unfulfilled as a human. It’s not like I can go out and kill a buffalo anymore, so I have to live through tough guys on screen. So, stop putting action stars in fish-out-of-water comedies. You are killing me, Hollywood. KILLING ME.

And speaking of killing me, did anyone see the remake of Rollerball? Why not just shit in my eyes? How about Steve Martin as The Pink Panther? Like watching death. Invasion? Why not take a fantastic movie like Invasion of the Body Snatchers and add a twist for morons? Remakes are some of the vilest creations on Earth and have probably killed more people than earthquakes. And yet, they keep coming. Why? Because every once in a while, someone will do a good one. Some asshole will remake Planet of the Apes as a prequel and do a good job, which will makes us all forget the horror of sitting through Tim Burton’s 2001 remake that turned part of my heart permanently black.

The number of poor remakes vastly outnumbers the well-done remakes. Get Carter is a wonderful film starring Michael Caine. Get Carter is also an abortion starring Sylvester Stallone. The examples are endless; The Day the Earth Stood Still, The Wicker Man, Psycho, The Vanishing, Shaft, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Arthur, The Fog, and Rob Zombie’s Halloween. Holy shit that was that a horrendous piece of filmmaking.

Here’s a tip Mr. “Zombie”: If someone back in the past created a movie with a villain who is unstoppable and fear inducing because you don’t really know his motivation to kill, then don’t spend an hour on a backstory explaining why he kills in the remake. The stupidity behind a writer or director thinking they know better than the original is amazing, and they should be put in prison for thinking they can make a better movie than a classic. Not some white collar prison. I want them in a Serbian war criminal prison and there should be no food. They should have to eat each other to survive for their movie crimes. And they will never stop making remakes. Never. What I’m saying is, there is no hope for mankind.

I hope this chapter helped you understand the futility of trying to enjoy things. There are people out there who are trying to kill your soul. They all live in Hollywood. My soul is already dead, so I’m fine trying to eek out a living here. I don’t let this stuff bother me anymore.

OH MY GOD. THEY MADE A MOVIE OUT OF THE BOARD GAME BATTLESHIP? SERIOUSLY?

MOVIES WE’D
LIKE TO SEE MADE

“My dream has always been to play Rod Serling in a bio pic, directed by George Clooney. I would gladly grow my hair out, drown it in Brill cream, and learn to chain smoke.”

—Graham Elwood

“The Battle of Princeton—Albert Brooks will write, star, and direct this black comedy about two small businessmen (Brooks and Bill Murray) spearheading a community effort to prevent Eddie Izzard from buying up their small town and erecting a huge Selfridge’s-type superstore. This was actually my second choice; my first was for someone to film Albert Brooks and Bill Murray having dinner and talking for four hours, but if we have to mix in a plot, so be it.”

—Mike Schmidt

“Cormac McCarthy’s epic western of war and violence, Blood Meridian. I will have to direct this in the style of Sergio Leone meets Sam Peckinpah with John Ford being horribly violated. Cowboys and Indians and no one wins ‘cause they shouldn’t.”

—Greg Proops

“There’s a science fiction series . . . I just want to make the first one. When Gravity Fails. It’s a noir private eye story set in a futuristic Dubai-like city. Red light district, serial killer, devout Islamic mob boss. The Godfather meets Blade Runner. I can’t think of the Arab actor I want . . . but it’s a 33-year-old Arab version of a Bob Hoskins/Harrison Ford hybrid. Know anyone?”

—Jackie Kashian

“I want to see a real Daredevil movie, and I would want the budget to include money to track down and destroy every copy of the Ben Affleck version, so for all intents and purposes, it never existed.”

—Chris Mancini

“The Lone Gunmen Movie. Don’t kid yourself, this might happen . . .”

—Dean Haglund

“You remember those two Swamp Thing movies? Yeah, lots of people don’t, and for good reason. They were terrible. But the character of Swamp Thing was a really cool, interesting one in the comic books. And later it was made even more complex by legendary comic book writer, Alan Moore. I’d REALLY like to see someone make a new, updated version of that film. It’s a pretty niche character, even for comic books, but hey, if they made a Jonah Hex movie then everything is on the table”

—Neil T. Weakley

“I’d also like to see a FAITHFUL film get made based on The Sandman comic book written by Neil Gaiman. It’s been floating around Hollywood for years and no one can get it together—or get it right—so who knows what will happen. There’s been talk of a TV series based on it, which could be fine, but it has to be done with TLC of the original material.”

—Neil T. Weakley

“Not all dramatic actors can do comedy, but I think good comic actors can do anything. Give a Don Cheadle role to Eddie Murphy and give him the chance—I know he’d blow people’s minds.”

—Suzy Nakamura

“Please, please, will someone with talent make a really great, dead serious film based on the works of H.P. Lovecraft? Although I love the tongue-in-cheek Stuart Gordon Lovecraft films like Reanimator and From Beyond, it’s about time for a faithful, scary as hell version of The Dunwich Horror or At the Mountains of Madness. So, get to it people! Cthulhu commands you!”

—Matt Weinhold

“Can’t we get a real Phantom Tollbooth movie? There was an animated one in 1970. Let’s just be generous and call it “dated.” Norman Juster wrote one of the best kids books ever with great, biting satire for adults. The world is in chaos, because the two princesses, Rhyme and Reason, have been locked in a tower above the clouds. One of the things Milo, the hero, has to do is fight a demon of meaningless tasks called the Terrible Trivium. I’m looking at my desk right now. He’s already in the house!”

—Chris Mancini

“I would enjoy Barry Levinson making movies about my family, set in Milwaukee.”

—Jackie Kashian

“I’d love to see a biopic of Richard Pryor, or Fatty Arbuckle, or Buster Keaton.”

—Suzy Nakamura

“The movie I’d most like to make is a documentary about two of my idols: Actor Wings Hauser, and singer/songwriter Paul McCartney. It would, of course, be entitled: Paul McCartney & Wings Hauser.”

—Lord Carrett

“I want to see a real epic film about the Korean War. It should no longer be ‘the forgotten war.’ ”

—Graham Elwood

“There are none. Seriously. Hollywood would just ruin them.”

—Dave Anthony

“I also have an idea for a documentary about the lack of an accurate accounting in rock music. I don’t mean labels screwing artists out of royalties, although that certainly occurs. I mean when a band has a numerical name that corresponds to its number of members, and then the lead singer gets a big head and insists that he get top billing without adjusting the number of remaining ‘whatevers.’ For instance: The Classics IV became Dennis Yost and The Classics IV without adding a ‘Classic.’ Pardon me for pointing out, Dennis, that leaves THREE Classics. Same goes for Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons—when Frankie moved forward it left only THREE ‘Seasons.’ ”

—Lord Carrett

“Lady Die Hard. When men are action heroes, sometimes they’re just normal men who wander into a situation and are forced to find the action hero inside. Then, it turns out they can kick ass. But when ladies are action heroes, they already look like Angelina Jolie. We got half of one with Tina Fey in Date Night. But how about a Melissa McCarthy action vehicle? Or Kristen Wiig for that matter.”

—Laura House

“A movie I would like to see? A down-and-dirty all-male Mamet screenplay directed by Nancy Meyers. Anything to get her mind off the proper color and placement of throw pillows.”

—Allan Havey

411 NERD

Chris Mancini

Chris Mancini is a comic, author, filmmaker, and parent. He is also very tired. He has screened and spoken at various prestigious festivals including Slamdance and Comic-Con in San Diego. His DVD compilation Myopic Visions includes all of his short films featuring hit men, clowns, leprechauns, killer doughnuts, and living suits, along with his interviews with SyFy and many extras. His first book Pacify Me: A Handbook for the Freaked Out New Dad tells of the harrowing tale of a guy overcoming his fear of actually procreating and offers helpful advice for freaked out new dads everywhere. Chris is also the co-founder of Comedyfilmnerds.com, a successful movie website and podcast that features comedians reviewing movies and talking about film. But you already know that. You’re at the end of the book. Unless you’re one of those weirdos that starts at the back. Myopicproductions.com

Graham Elwood

In addition to being a stand-up comic and filmmaker who likes going into war zones, Graham is also the Supreme Commander of the Palm Strike Army and a Samurai in training. His CDs include The Comedian’s Got A Boo-Boo and Palm Strike Dance Party. He also directed and starred in Laffghanistan, a documentary about his first USO tour entertaining the troops in Afghanistan. Graham starts every day by surfing, swinging his katana, and wondering when a real rain will come and wash all the scum off the streets . . . GrahamElwood.com

Dave Anthony

Dave Anthony has been performing stand-up comedy for over twenty years and has appeared at the Montreal Comedy Festival, as well as on The Late Late Show and The Jimmy Kimmel Show. As an actor, Dave has appeared on The Office, Boston Legal and Entourage. As a writer he has developed projects for Fox and Comedy Central. He currently resides in Los Angeles with his wife and young male child and hosts the critically not acclaimed podcast Walking the Room. Walkingtheroom.com

Lord Carrett

Lord Carrett is the master of time and space, but he doesn’t make a big deal out of it. Lord’s ability to write solid jokes has made him in demand on syndicated radio programs, including The Bob & Tom Radio Network, but he has also appeared on television. He has now become “a respected writer” thanks to Chris Mancini’s ability to talk him into reviewing films for Comedyfilmnerds.com in a comedy condo in Ocala, Florida. Lordoflaughs.com

Dean Haglund

Dean is probably best known for his nine seasons playing Langly, one of the computer geeks known as “The Lone Gunmen” from the hit FOX TV series The X-Files. He is also a filmmaker, podcaster, writer, and painter. Deanhaglund.com

Allan Havey

Allan Havey has been writing and performing comedy for thirty years. He has made numerous appearances on Late Show with David Letterman as well as his two HBO specials, One Night Stand and Command Performance. He created and hosted Night After Night With Allan Havey for Comedy Central. As an actor he has appeared in many films and television shows, including Seinfeld, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Men Of A Certain Age, The Sarah Silverman Show, Punk’d, Internal Affairs, Rounders, Hancock and The Informant. He lives in Santa Monica, California. Allanhavey.com

Jackie Kashian

Jackie has been a national touring comic for over fifteen years. She has her own half hour special on Comedy Central, was a semi-finalist on Last Comic Standing, and has been on This American Life with Ira Glass. Her latest CD, It Is Never Going to Be Bread was one of the top ten comedy albums on Amazon in 2010. She has a weekly podcast where she interviews people about their obsessions. Tune into The Dork Forest on iTunes or at her website: jackiekashian.com.

Suzy Nakamura

Suzy is an actor and writer living in Los Angeles. She toured with the Second City in Chicago, and was a member of the first cast of the Second City Detroit. She sometimes appears on episodic television and regularly gets cut out of Judd Apatow films. She likes to do independent movies for gas money. SuzyNakamura.com

Greg Proops

Greg Proops is a comedian and loves the old movies. He has a groovy podcast called The Smartest Man in the World. He isn’t. Get all the goods at proopcast.com

Mike Schmidt

Mike Schmidt is a standup comedian and host of the weekly podcast The 40 Year Old Boy. The show has no filter, no set list—it’s a freewheeling monologue that can and does touch on anything he’s ever done in his life. It’s an explosion of id, and he couldn’t be more proud of it. You can subscribe to the show on iTunes, and find out more about Mike at mikeschmidtcomedy.com.

Neil T. Weakley

It just so happens that Neil has worked in film production for a few years. And he has known Chris Mancini for twenty years or so, back when they were making movies together about killer doughnuts in West Chester, Pennsylvania. Yeah, it really is all who you know. Neil is mostly, but not exclusively, a fan of sci-fi, comic book movies, horror, comedies, and weird independent films. Follow him on Twitter @wychlea.

Matt Weinhold

When not working in the entertainment industry as an actor, writer, and comedian, Matt Weinhold spends most of his time filling various rooms in his home with action figures and sci-fi/horror memorabilia. However in the spirit of fairness, Matt has graciously allowed his wife Carrie, a shoebox outside their kitchen window to keep her shit. Matt has also produced a comedy CD called Dead Funny. If you like jokes about serial killers, necrophilia, and Jesus; this one is for you! For a more intimate look at Matt and the important work he does, go to mattweinhold.com.

THANKS AND
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Everyone always thanks the fans last. Well, we are going to thank them first. If it wasn’t for you guys, this book never would have happened. Your excitement and passion for all things film motivates us every day. We always look forward to your questions, comments, and movie suggestions. So thank you fans!

Of course thanks to our friends and family, whose support is always necessary and always freely given. We couldn’t do it without you either.

Thanks to everyone at our publisher, Morgan James, for taking a chance on their FIRST comedy and/or film book.

We’d like to thank our amazing editor Patrick Price who left Simon and Schuster just to work with us. OK, not really, but he is the one who made Chris’s book, Pacify Me happen. And he is aces.

Thanks to our agents, Michael Ebeling and Kristina Holmes. They are real down-to-earth people and are the most supportive agents we have ever had. And Michael surfs. Graham likes that.

Thanks to our interns, Sharon Campbell, Dan Katz, Ben Tahija, Shawn Marek, and Chris Morgan for their hard work on the website and the book. Special thanks to Shawn and his wife Jen Stansfield-Marek for putting the index together and helping with the proofreading.

Comedy Film Nerds is a team effort, and we’d also like to thank all of the writers, sound designer David Schmidt who taught us how to use a mixing board, Kimberley Browning of Hollywood Shorts, and our web guys: J.T. Troiano, Dean Cameron, Bob Peterson, and Bryan Wolfe. We’d also like to thank Doug Benson, and all the filmmakers and comedians who have donated their time to write, be a guest, or allow us to sell their products online.

Thanks to all the film and comedy festivals we’ve been a part of, especially The Bridgetown Comedy Festival, Shriekfest, and The Albuquerque Film Festival.

And of course thanks to the filmmakers, studios, and movie theaters who fueled our moving picture passion for so long. Please keep making movies. And we’ll keep criticizing them.

Cheers,

Chris Mancini and Graham Elwood

INDEX

13 Assassins (2010) – 194

1984 (1956) – 5

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954) – 180

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) – 7, 138, 207

2010: The Year We Made Contact (1984) – 207

2012 (2009) – 222

27 Dresses (2008) – 144, 149

28 Days Later (2002) – 53

3:10 to Yuma (1957) – 13

3:10 to Yuma (2007) – 13, 15

The 36th Chamber of Shaolin (1978) – 194

300 (2006) – 23, 95, 145

The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005) – 58, 146, 147

50 First Dates (2004) – 146

The 7th Victim (1943) – 43

The 7th Voyage of Sinbad (1958) – 42

A

A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001) – 9

The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971) – 49

Across the Universe (2007) – 120

Adaptation (2002) – 177

The Adventures of Baron Munchausen (1988) – 202

Afghan Star (2009) – 128, 130

Airplane! (1980) – 56, 61

Akira (1988) – 82, 85

Aladdin (1992) – 120

Alien (1979) – 4, 8, 43, 47, 208

Alien: Resurrection (1997) – 9

Aliens (1986) – 8, 136, 208, 211

All About Steve (2009) – 146, 149

All Dogs Go To Heaven (1989) – 79, 181

All That Jazz (1979) – 120

American Graffiti (1973) – 68, 70, 73, 74

An American in Paris (1951) – 119, 120, 122

American Ninja (franchise 1985-1993) – 195

American Splendor (2003) – 27, 29

The Amityville Horror (1979) – 50

An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn (1997) – 58, 62

Analyze This (1999) – 62

Animal House (1978) – 60, 72, 73

Animal Kingdom (2010) – 154, 157

Annie Get Your Gun (1950) – 119

Annie Hall (1977) – 58, 61, 148

Anvil: The Story of Anvil (2008) – 74

Any Given Sunday (1999) – 171

The Apartment (1960) – 57

Apocalypse Now (1979) – 102, 104

Apple Dumpling Gang (1975) – 180

Are We There Yet? (2005) – 226

Army of Darkness (1992) – 199, 201

Army of Shadows (1969) – 104

Arthur (1981) – 148

Arthur (2011) – 227

Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988) – 149

The Artist (2011) – 140

The A-Team (2010) – 158

Avatar (2009) – 2, 3, 9, 80, 140, 222, 223

B

The Babe (1992) – 162

Babe (1995) – 182, 184, 218

Babe: Pig in the City (1998) – 218

Babes in Toyland (1934) – 117

Baby Geniuses (1999) – 179

Bad Boys (1983) – 153

Bad Boys (1995) – 92

Bad Girls (1994) – 13, 17

Bad News Bears Go To Japan (1978) – 170

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002) – 214

Bambi II (2006) – 87

BASEketball (1998) – 171

Batman (1966) – 21

Batman (1989) – 20, 25

Batman (franchise 1966-Present) – 27

Batman & Robin (1997) – 26, 29

Batman Begins (2005) – 22, 26

Battle Cry (1955) – 105

Battle Royale (2000) – 94

Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 (2000) – 3, 9

Battleground (1949) – 100

Battleship (2012) – 228

Battleship Potemkin (1925) – 134, 141

The Beastmaster (1982) – 32

The Beautician and the Beast (1997) – 149

Beetlejuice (1988) – 60

Being There (1979) – 58

The Best Years of Our Lives (1946) – 104

Beverly Hills Cop II (1987) – 63

Beverly Hills Cop III (1994) – 63

Beverly Hills Ninja (1997) – 196

The Big Combo (1995) – 108, 114

The Big Heat (1953) – 114

The Big Lebowski (1998) – 202

Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011) – 134

The Big Sleep (1946) – 109, 112

Big Trouble in Little China (1986) – 95

Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey (1991) – 136

Billy Jack (1971) – 192

The Bird with the Crystal Plumage (1970) – ix

The Birth of a Nation (1915) – 141

Black Belt Jones (1974) – 196

The Black Cauldron (1985) – 186

Black Narcissus (1947) – 52

Black Sabbath (The Three Faces of Fear) (1963) – 43, 47

Black Sunday (1960) – 43

Blade Runner (1982) – 3, 4, 8, 114, 199, 201, 204, 218, 230

The Blair Witch Project (1999) – 46

Blazing Saddles (1974) – 14, 59

Blood Simple (1984) – 114

Bloodsport (1988) – 196

Blue Sunshine (1978) – 51

Blue Velvet (1986) – 74, 200, 204

The Blues Brothers (1980) – 55, 122

Blues Brothers 2000 (1998) – 63

Bob Dylan: No Direction Home (2005) – 73

Born Into Brothels: Calcutta’s Red Light Kids (2004) – 129

Born to Dance (1936) – 117

Bound (1996) – 114

Bourne Identity (franchise 2002-present) – 91

The Boys From Brazil (1978) – 51

Boyz N The Hood (1991) – 157, 158

Brazil (1985) – 3, 8, 202, 204

Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961) – 149

The Breakfast Club (1985) – 143

Breaking Away (1979) – 168, 169

The Bride of Frankenstein (1935) – 49

Bridesmaids (2011) – 59, 62, 146

The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957) – 100

The Bridges of Madison County (1995) – 80

Brigadoon (1954) – 117

Bringing Up Baby (1938) – 62

Broadcast News (1987) – 59

The Brood (1979) – 47

The Buddy Holly Story (1978) – 68, 74

A Bug’s Life (1998) – 81, 137

Bull Durham (1988) – 162, 170

Bulletproof Monk (2003) – 195

Bullitt (1968) – 156, 158

Burn, Witch, Burn (1962) – 49

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969) – 13, 16

C

Cabin Fever (2002) – 50

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1920) – 137

Caddyshack (1980) – 167, 169

Caddyshack II (1988) – 63, 168, 170

Candyman (1992) – 134

Capturing the Friedmans (2003) – 131

Carousel (1956) – 119

Cars (2006) – 81, 185

Cars 2 (2011) – 81, 185

Casablanca (1942) – 136, 139

Casino Royale (2006) – 89, 212

Castle in the Sky (1986) – 183

Cat Ballou (1965) – 119

The Cat in the Hat (2003) – 186

The Cat Returns (2002) – 183

Catching Trouble (1936) – 132

Catwoman (2004) – 29, 177

Celtic Pride (1996) – 168

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005) – 186

Charlotte’s Web (1973) – 180

Chicago (2003) – 119

Children of Men (2006) – 137

Chinatown (1974) – 112, 138

Chinese Connection (1972) – 191

The Chosen (1981) – 36

A Christmas Story (1983) – 60

Circle of Iron (1978) – 189, 190

Citizen Kane (1941) – 137, 139, 175, 186

City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold (1994) – 63

Clerks (1994) – 201

A Clockwork Orange (1971) – 224

Cliffhanger (1993) – 92

Code of Silence (1985) – 91

Coffin Joe (franchise 1963-2008) – 49

Collapse (2009) – 127

Come And See (1985) – 103

Commando (1985) – 89

Conan (franchise 1982-2011) – 37, 39

Conan the Barbarian (1982) – 34, 37

Conan the Destroyer (1984) – 208, 217

Congo (1995) – 96

Contagion (2011) – x

The Conversation (1974) – 177

Cool Hand Luke (1967) – 66

Coraline (2009) – 182

Country Strong (2010) – 147

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000) – 192, 194

The Crow (1994) – 28

Curse of the Demon (1957) – 49

D

Daddy Long Legs (1955) – 118

Dan In Real Life (2007) – 147

Daredevil (2003)- 230

The Dark Backward (1991) – 201

Dark City (1998) – 8

The Dark Knight (2008) – 26, 27, 28

The Dark Knight Rises (2012) – 27

Das Boot (1981) – 104, 182

Date Night (2010) – 147, 232

Dawn of the Dead (1978) – 44

Dawn of the Dead (2004) – 44, 45

The Day of the Locust (1975) – 177

The Day The Earth Stood Still (1951) – 70

The Day The Earth Stood Still (2008) – 227

Dazed and Confused (1993) – 147, 201

Dead Alive (1992) – 49

Dead Heat (1988) – 159

The Dead Pool (1988) – 159

Death Race 2000 (1975) – 197, 198

Deathdream (1974) – 51

The Deer Hunter (1978) – 102, 104, 176

Delicatessen (1991) – 9

Delta Force 2: The Columbian Connection (1990) – 195

The Departed (2006) – 26, 154, 158

The Descent (2005) – 48

Desperado (1995) – 95

Destination Tokyo (1943) – 101

Detour (1945) – 114

Devil (2010) – 50

Did You Hear About the Morgans? (2007) – 150

Die Hard (1987) – 88, 93, 94, 232

Dig! (2004) – 75

Diggstown (1992) – 170

The Dirty Dozen (1967) – 102

Dirty Harry (1971) – 156, 158

District 9 (2009) – 8

Doctor Zhivago (1965) – 84

Dogtown and Z-Boys (2001) – 128, 130

Donnie Brasco (1997) – 153, 158

Don’t Look Back (1967) – 71

Double Indemnity (1944) – 110, 135

Dr. No (1962) – ix

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964) – 57, 62

DragonHeart (1996) – 39

Dragonslayer (1981) – 39

Drive (2011) – 91

Duck Soup (1933) – 116, 122, 135, 140

Dumb & Dumber (1994) – 60

E

E.T. (1982) – 70

Earth Girls Are Easy (1988) – 75

Edward Scissorhands (1990) – 59

Eight Crazy Nights (2002) – 86

El Mariachi (1992) – 95

Elf (2003) – 60

Elvis: That’s The Way It Is (1970) – 71

Empire (1964) – 173

Enchanted (2007) – 46

The Endless Summer (1966) – 130, 166

The Enforcer (1976) – 155

Enter The Dragon (1973) – 189, 193

Eragon (2006) – 38

Eraser (1996) – 92

Eraserhead (1977) – 200

Escape from the Planet of the Apes (1971) – 9

Escape to Athena (1979) – 105

Event Horizon (1997) – 4

Everyone Says I Love You (1996) – 117

Evil Dead (franchise 1981-present) – 49, 204

Evil Dead II (1987) – 201, 202, 204

Excalibur (1981) – 32, 38

The Exorcist (1973) – 47

Exorcist 2: The Heretic (1973) – 50

Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed (2008) – 132

The Expendables (2010) – 92, 93

The Expendables 2 (2012) – 92

F

Face/Off (1997) – 96

Fahrenheit 451 (1966) – 5

Fantasia (1940) – 78, 120

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007) – 25, 30

Fantastic Planet (1973) – 77

Fargo (1996) – 57

The Fast and the Furious (franchise 2001-present) – 91

Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) – 61

Fast Five (2011) – 91

Fatal Deviation (1998) – 195

Fever Pitch (2005) – 171

Field of Dreams (1989) – 170

The Fighter (2010) – 14

The Filth and The Fury (2000) – 74

Finding Nemo (2003) – 81, 181, 183

Finian’s Rainbow (1968) – 119

The Fisher King (1991) – 202

Fists of Fury (1971) – 191, 195

Five Deadly Venoms (1978) – 195

Flash Gordon (1980) – 9

Flower Drum Song (1961) – 123

The Fog (2005) – 227

Fog of War (2003) – 130

Follow the Fleet (1936) – 118

For a Few Dollars More (1965) – 16

Force 10 From Navarone (1978) – 105

Forest Warrior (1996) – 17

Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008) – 146

The Fox and the Hound (1981) – 185

Foxy Brown (1974) – 158

Frankenstein (1931) – 49

Freaks (1932) – 49

Fred: The Movie (2000) – 132

Freddy Got Fingered (2001) – 60, 62

The French Connection (1971) – 156, 157

Friday the 13th (franchise 1980-2009) – 4, 45, 214

Fritz the Cat (1972) – 78, 79

From Beyond (1986) – 231

From Russia With Love (1963) – ix

Full Metal Jacket (1987) – 102, 104

Funny Face (1957) – 118

Funny Girl (1968) – 120

Furry Vengeance (2010) – 183

G

Galaxy Quest (1999) – 4

Game of Death (1978) – 190

Garfield (2004) – 181, 183

Gattaca (1997) – 9

The General (1926) – 135

George Harrison: Living in the Material World (2011) – 71

George of the Jungle 2 (2003) – 209

Get Carter (1971) – 227

Get Carter (2000) – 227

Get Smart (2008) – 226

Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai (1999) – 195

Ghost Rider (2007) – 21

Ghost World (2001) – 28, 29

Ghostbusters (1984) – 62, 167

Ghostbusters II (1989) – 63

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009) – 97

Gidget (1959) – 118

Gigli (2003) – 63, 177

Gigi (1958) – 120

Gilda (1946) – 110, 114

The Girl Can’t Help It (1956) – 66, 73

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2009) – 210

Glen or Glenda (1953) – 131

Glitter (2001) – 178

The Godfather (franchise 1972-1990) – 159, 212

The Godfather (1972) – 138, 152, 157, 230

The Godfather Part II (1974) – 153, 154, 157

The Godfather Part III (1990) – 159

The Gods Must Be Crazy (1981) – 54

Godzilla’s Revenge (1969) – 218

The Golden Compass (2007) – 38

Goldfinger (1964) – ix, 95

Good Guys Wear Black (1978) – 190

Goodfellas (1990) – 152, 154, 157

The Graduate (1967) – 57, 138

Graffiti Bridge (1990) – 75

The Grapes of Wrath (1940) – 138

Grease (1978) – 118, 119, 121

Grease 2 (1982) – 123, 217

The Great Dictator (1940) – 140

The Great Escape (1963) – 100, 102

The Great Train Robbery (1903) – 134

The Green Berets (1968) – 11, 105

The Green Hornet (2011) – 30

Green Lantern (2011) – 30

The Grey Fox (1982) – 16

The Grifters (1990) – 113

Groundhog Day (1992) – 58, 59, 148

Gun Crazy (1950) – 108, 113

Gunfight at the O.K. Corral (1957) – 14

The Guns of Navarone (1961) – 105

Guys and Dolls (1955) – 117, 119, 121

Gymkata (1985) – 195

H

Hair (1979) – 117, 121

Hairspray (1988) – 117, 122, 123

Hairspray (2007) – 123

Halloween (franchise 1978-2009) – 214

Halloween (1978) – 49, 219

Halloween (2007) – 227

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982) – 219

The Hangover (2009) – 56, 144

Hanover Street (1979) – 105

The Happening (2008) – 50, 178, 223, 224

Hard Boiled (1992) – 94

A Hard Day’s Night (1964) – 65, 66, 67, 73

Hard Target (1993) – 92

Harold and Maude (1971) – 57, 60

Harry Potter (franchise 2001-2011) – 35, 209

Harry Potter: Goblet of Fire (2005) – 37

Harry Potter: Prisoner of Azkaban (2004) – 37

Harvey (1950) – 60

The Haunting (1963) – 43

The Haunting (1999) – 50

Hawk the Slayer (1981) – 39

Haywire (2011) – 93

He Got Game (1998) – 162

Hearts of Darkness: A Filmmaker’s Apocalypse (1991) – 130

Heaven’s Gate (1980) – 13, 18

Heavy Metal (1981) – 29, 79

Hellraiser (franchise 1987-2011) – 4, 214

Hellraiser (1987) – 49, 201, 204

Help! (1965) – 67

Herbie The Love Bug (franchise 1968-2005) – 180

Hercules (1997) – 120

Hero (2002) – 192, 194

The Hidden Fortress (1958) – 137, 192

High Noon (1952) – 16

High Plains Drifter (1973) – 195

High School Musical (franchise 2006-2008) – 123

High Society (1956) – 120

Highlander (1986) – 37

Highlander 2 (1991) – 38

Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994) – 38

The Hills Have Eyes (1977) – 48

Hitler’s Last Train (1977) – 106

Holiday Inn (1942) – 116, 122

Hollow Man (2000) – 49

Home Alone (franchise 1990-2002) – 186

Home on the Range (2004) – 86

Hook (1991) – 186

Hoop Dreams (1994) – 130

Hoosiers (1986) – 163, 169

Horror Hotel (1960) – 52

Horror of Dracula (1958) – 49

The Hound of the Baskervilles (1939) – 211

House of Flying Daggers (2004) – 192

House of the Dead (2003) – 49

House of Usher (1960) – 43

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000) – 186

How to Train Your Dragon (2010) – 182, 184

Howard the Duck (1986) – 2, 9

The Howling (1981) – 49

Hugo (2011) – 140

Hulk (2003) – 21, 30

The Human Centipede (2009) – 45, 46, 174

The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996) – 80, 86

Hunger Games (2012) – 94

Hustle & Flow (2005) – 75

The Hustler (1961) – 166, 169

I

I Melt with You (2011) – 178

I Walked with a Zombie (1943) – 43, 111

I Was a Teenage Frankenstein (1957) – 41

I, Robot (2004) – 92

Ice Age (2002) – 183

The Ice Pirates (1984) – 4

Idiot’s Delight (1939) – 117

Inception (2010) – 7

The Incredible Journey (1963) – 83

The Incredibles (2004) – 81, 85

Independence Day (1996) – 9

Indiana Jones (franchise 1981-2008) – 213

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984) – 213

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989) – 94, 213

Infernal Affairs (2002) – 158

The In-Laws (1979) – 57

The Innocents (1961) – 43

Inside Job (2010) – 125, 131

Institute Benjamenta (1995) – 203

The Invasion (2007) – 227

The Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956) – 227

Invasion U.S.A. (1985) – 91

The Iron Giant (1999) – 81, 85, 91, 184

Iron Man (2008) – 20, 75

The Island of Lost Souls (1932) – 49

It Might Get Loud (2008) – 71

It’s A Wonderful Life (1946) – 47, 141

It’s Complicated (2009) – 147

J

Jackass: The Movie (2002) – 55

Jail Bait (1954) – 115

James Bond (franchise 1962-present) – 89, 95, 212

Jaws (1975) – 47, 197

Jaws 2 (1978) – 209

The Jazz Singer (1927) – 138

The Jerk (1979) – 61, 147

Jesus Christ Superstar (1973) – 117, 119. 121

Joe Versus the Volcano (1990) – 146, 149

Johnny Be Good (1988) – 170

Jonah Hex (2010) – 230

The Jungle Book (1967) – 78, 80, 85, 119, 183, 187

Junior (1994) – 225

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never (2011) – 131

Juwanna Mann (2002) – 171

K

The Karate Kid (1984) – 190, 217

The Karate Kid (2010) – 191

The Karate Kid III (1989) – 195

Keystone Kops (1913) – 211

Kick-Ass (2010) – 21, 29

Kid Auto Races in Venice (1914) – 56

The Kid Stays in the Picture (2002) – 130

The Kids are Alright (1979) – 131

Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003) – 191, 194

Kill Bill: Vol. 2 (2004) – 191

The Killer (1989) – 94

Kindergarten Cop (1990) – 225

The King and I (1956) – 116, 118

The King of Kong (2007) – 130

Kingpin (1996) – 60, 167

Kiss Me Deadly (1955) – 114

KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park (1978) – 76

Knight and Day (2010) – 93

Knocked Up (2007) – 145, 146, 148

Koyaanniqatsi (1982) – 133, 141

Krull (1983) – 36, 39

Kung Fu Hustle (2004) – 60, 189, 190, 192, 194

L

La Bamba (1987) – 68

L.A. Story (1991) – 147

Labyrinth (1986) – 184

The Lady Eve (1941) – 60

The Lady from Shanghai (1947) – 110, 114

The Lady In The Lake (1947) – 114

The Lady In The Water (2006) – 50, 224

Ladyhawke (1985) – 36, 38

Laffghanistan (2009) – 234

The Land Before Time (1988) – 79

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (franchise 2001-2003) – 90, 96

The Last Action Hero (1993) – 95

The Last Airbender (2010) – 224

The Last Man on Earth (1964) – 41

The Last Samurai (2003) – 192, 194

The Last Seduction (1994) – 110

The Last Waltz (1978) – 73

Laura (1944) – 111

Lawrence of Arabia (1962) – 46, 103, 104, 139

Le Samourai (1967) – 113

Legend (1985) – 39

The Legend of Bagger Vance (2000) – 170

The Legend of Hell House (1973) – 43

Legends of the Fall (1994) – 178

Leonard Part 6 (1987) – 62

Let It Be (1970) – 67

Let the Right One In (2008) – 210

Lethal Weapon (1987) – 91, 95

Life As We Know It (2010) – 149

Lifeforce (1985) – 4

Lightning Jack (1994) – 17

The Lion King (1994) – 80, 181, 186

Lionheart (1990) – 195

Little Big League (1994) – 171

Little Giants (1994) – 171

The Little Mermaid (1989) – 123

Little Nicky (2000) – 63

Little Shop of Horrors (1986) – 119

The Littlest Rebel (1935) – 116

Live and Let Die (1973) – 97

Lone Wolf McQuade (1983) – 91

The Longest Day (1962) – 101

Lord of the Rings (franchise 1978-2003) – 35

Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (2001) – 35, 38, 209, 213

Love Potion No. 9 (1992) – 146

Lust for a Vampire (1971) – 43

M

M (1931) – 135

Mad Max (1979) – 1

Madagascar (2005) – 183

Made (2001) – 159

Madonna: Truth or Dare (1991) – 75

The Magnificent Seven (1960) – 12, 16, 137, 194

Major League (1989) – 166, 170

The Maltese Falcon (1941) – 139

Mamma Mia! (2008) – 118, 120

Man Bites Dog (1992) – 57, 60

The Man Who Fell To Earth (1976) – 69, 70

Married to the Mob (1988) – 159

Mars Attacks! (1996) – 203

Martyrs (2008) – 52

Mary Poppins (1964) – 118

MASH (1970) – 57

The Masque of Red Death (1964) – 43

The Master of Disguise (2002) – 63

The Matrix (franchise 1999-2003) – 213

The Matrix (1999) – 5, 8

The Matrix Reloaded (2003) – 9, 213

The Matrix Revolutions (2003) – 9, 213

Mean Streets (1973) – 152

Meet Me in St. Louis (1944) – 123

Meet The Parents (2000) – 62

Memento (2000) – 56, 113

Memphis Belle (1990) – 105

Meshes in the Afternoon (1943) – 134

Metropolis (1927) – 8, 135, 140

Midnight Run (1988) – 62, 154

Miller’s Crossing (1990) – 114

Million Dollar Baby (2004) – 161, 170

Minority Report (2002) – 5, 6, 114

MirrorMask (2005) – 81

Mobsters (1991) – 159

Modern Romance (1981) – 58

Monsters Inc. (2001) – 81, 182

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1974) – 56, 62, 204

Moonraker (1979) – 212

Mortal Kombat (franchise 1995-2011) – 39

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997) – 195

Moulin Rouge! (2001) – 118, 119

Mr. Mom (1983) – 143

Mr. Nanny (1993) – 225

Mr. Saturday Night (1992) – 145

Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939) – 139

Mr. Wrong (1996) – 149

Mrs. Miniver (1942) – 100

Moneyball (2011) – 170

The Mummy (1999) – 90

The Muppet Movie (1979) – 185

The Muppets (2011) – 185

Murder, My Sweet (1944) – 107

Murderball (2005) – 124

Music and Lyrics (2007) – 216

The Music Man (1962) – 117, 119, 121

My Best Friend’s Wedding (1997) – 149

My Fair Lady (1964) – 120

My Neighbor Totoro (1988) – 83

N

The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988) – 59

Nanook of the North (1922) – 135, 139

Napoleon Dynamite (2004) – 58

Narc (2002) – 156, 158

The Narrow Margin (1952) – 112

National Treasure (2004) – 180

The Natural (1984) – 170

Network (1976) – 164, 176

The NeverEnding Story (franchise 1984-1994) – 39

The NeverEnding Story (1984) – 37, 181, 183, 184

The Next Karate Kid (1994) – 195

Night of the Living Dead (1968) – 48, 51

Night Shift (1982) – 57

Nightbreed (1990) – 204

The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993) – 84, 85

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) – 49

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) – 50

Ninja Scroll (1993) – 82

Ninja Terminator (1985) – 196

No Country for Old Men (2007) – 114

North (1994) – 57, 62

Nosferatu (1922) – 140

The Notebook (2004) – 144

The Nutty Professor (1996) – 58

O

Office Space (1999) – 205

Oklahoma! (1955) – 116, 119

Old Yeller (1957) – 185

On the Town (1949) – 122

Once Upon a Time in the West (1968) – 13, 16

Ong-Bak: Thai Warrior (2003) – 189, 194

Ordinary People (1980) – 176

Out of Sight (1998) – 114

Out of the Past (1947) – 107, 108, 111

The Outlaw Josey Wales (1976) – 11, 12, 15

P

The Pacifier (2005) – 226

The Pagemaster (1994) – 86

Paint Your Wagon (1969) – 117, 122

Paths of Glory (1957) – 104

Pearl Harbor (2001) – 105

Pee Wee’s Big Adventure (1985) – 60, 184

Peeping Tom (1960) – 52

Perez Hilton: Gossip Queen (2006) – 131

Phantasm (1979) – 49

The Phantom Tollbooth (1970) – 231

The Philadelphia Story (1940) – 60

Pi (1998) – 8

Pink Floyd The Wall (1982) – 74

The Pink Panther (1963) – 60, 211

The Pink Panther (2006) – 227

The Pirate Movie (1982) – 220

Pirates of Caribbean (franchise 2003-2011) – 180, 213, 222

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011) – 134

The Pit and The Pendulum (1961) – 43

The Plague Dogs (1982) – 83, 85

Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959) – 47, 115, 198, 199, 202, 204, 205

Planes, Trains & Automobiles (1987) – 14, 59, 62

Planet of the Apes (1968) – 7, 8

Planet of the Apes (2001) – 227

Planet of the Vampires (1965) – 43

Platoon (1986) – 102

Pocahontas (1995) – 80, 86

Point Break (1991) – 216

Pokemon: The First Movie – Mewtwo Strikes Back (1998) – 86

Pokemon: The Movie 2000 (1999) – 86

Pokemon 3: The Movie (2000) – 86

Police Academy (franchise 1984-1994) – 215

Poltergeist (1982) – 49

Pontypool (2008) – 53

Porky’s (1982) – 51

The Postman (1997) – 178

Predator (1987) – x, 4, 88, 92, 95

Pretty in Pink (1986) – 143, 148

Pretty Woman (1990) – 150

Pride of the Yankees (1942) – 165

Prince of the City (1981) – 155, 158

The Princess Bride (1987) – 14, 34, 36, 38, 60, 148

Princess Mononoke (1997) – 83

A Prophet (2009) – 155

The Proposal (2009) – 146

The Proposition (2005) – 12, 13, 15

Psychiatry: An Industry of Death (2006) – 131

Psycho (1966) – 47, 50

Psycho (1998) – 210, 227

Pulp Fiction (1994) – 65, 73, 109, 110, 173

Pumpkinhead (1988) – 20

Puppetmaster (1989) – 217

Purple Rain (1984) – 75

Q

Quantum of Solace (2008) – 89

Quarantine (2008) – 52

R

Raging Bull (1980) – 163, 168, 169

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) – 90

Raising Arizona (1987) – 60, 61

Rambo (franchise, 1982-2008) – 220

Rango (2011) – 186

Raven (2009) – 178

Re-Animator (1985) – 201, 205

REC (2007) – 52

REC 2 (2009) – 52

RED (2010) – 93

Red Heat (1988) – 159

Red Rock West (1993) – 113

The Red Shoes (1946) – 52

Red Sonja (1985) – 32

Reform School Girls (1986) – 65, 75

Religulous (2008) – 127, 131

Repo Man (1984) – 197

Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008) – 202

Requiem For the Heavyweight (1962) – 166

The Rescuers Down Under (1990) – 80, 85

Restrepo (2010) – 126, 129

The Return of the Living Dead (1989) – 49

Riding Giants (2004) – 130

Righteous Kill (2008) – 159

Ringu (1998) – 49

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011) – 96

Risky Business (1983) – 137

River’s Edge (1986) – 201

The Road (2009) – 193

Road To Perdition (2002) – 28, 157

Road To . . . (franchise 1940-1962) – 118

Road House (1989) – 96, 219

Robin Hood (1973) – 80, 86

Robocop (1987) – 3, 7

Robot Monster (1953) – 41

Robots (2005) – 183

Rock ‘N’ Roll High School (1979) – 69, 73

Rock Rock Rock! (1956) – 118

The Rocketeer (1991) – 6

Rocky (1976) – 27, 160, 163, 164, 165, 169, 170

Rocky Balboa (2006) – 165, 171

Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975) – 119, 122, 123, 197, 201, 202

Rocky IV (1985) – 165

Rocky V (1990) – 164, 165, 171

Rollerball (1975) – 198

Rollerball (2002) – 227

Romancing the Stone (1984) – 90

Rome, Open City (1945) – 103

Romero “Dead” (franchise 1968-present) – 44

The Room (2003) – 178, 202, 205

Roxanne (1987) – 147

Rudy (1993) – 159, 163, 217

The Runaways (2010) – 68

The Rundown (2003) – 90, 226

Rush Hour (1998) – 137

Rushmore (1998) – 60, 61

S

Salt (2010) – 93, 96

Saturday Night Fever (1977) – 118

SAW (franchise 2004-2010) – 214

Say Anything . . . (1989) – 143, 148

Scarface (1983) – 154, 157

Scrooged (1988) – 60

The Searchers (1956) – 13, 15

The Secret of NIMH (1982) – 78, 79, 85

Serpico (1973) – 156

Session 9 (2001) – 51

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers (1954) – 122

Seven Samurai (1954) – 12, 16, 81, 137, 194

The Seventh Seal (1957) – 136, 139

Sex and the City (2008) – 150

Sex and the City 2 (2010) – 150

Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (1978) – 75

Shaft (2000) – 227

Shall We Dance (1937) – 118

Shane (1953) – 17

Shanghai Noon (2000) – 18

Shaolin Soccer (2001) – 192

The Shaolin Temple (1982) – 193, 195

Shark Tale (2004) – 183

Shaun of the Dead (2004) – 60

The Shawshank Redemption (1994) – 155, 177

Sherlock Holmes and the Secret Weapon (1943) – 211

Sherlock Holmes in Washington (1943) – 211

Shine A Light (2008) – 71

The Shining (1980) – 196

Shock Treatment (1981) – 123

Shock Waves (1977) – 51

Show Boat (1951) – 120, 123

Showgirls (1995) – 199, 205

Shrek (franchise 2001-2010) – 181, 185

Shrek the Third (2007) – 183

Sideways (2004) – 145

Signs (2002) – 3, 50, 223, 224

The Silence (1963) – 135, 136

The Silence of the Lambs (1991) – 26

Sin City (2005) – 29, 30, 114

Singin’ in the Rain (1952) – 118, 122

Sixteen Candles (1984) – 143, 148

The Sixth Sense (1999) – 222, 223

Ski Troop Attack (1960) – 106

Slap Shot (1977) – 167, 170

Slapstick (Of Another Kind) (1982) – 63

Sleepless in Seattle (1993) – 146

Sliding Doors (1998) – 147

Smokey and the Bandit (1977) – 218

The Smurfs (2011) – 181, 183

Snatch (2000) – 158

Solaris (1972) – 8

Soldier (1998) – 219

Sophie’s Choice (1982) – 177

Soul Man (1986) – 171

The Sound of Music (1965) – 118, 121

South Pacific (1958) – 116, 121

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999) – 57, 62

Soylent Green (1973) – 7

Speed (1994) – x, 96

Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997) – x, 96

Spider-Man (2002) – 24

Spider-Man 2 (2004) – 24, 29

Spider-Man 3 (2007) – 24, 30

The Spirit (2008) – 30

Spirited Away (2001) – 83, 85

Spy Kids (2001) – 182

The Spy Next Door (2010) – 182, 226

St. Elmo’s Fire (1985) – 17

A Star is Born (1954) – 120, 123

A Star is Born (1976) – 120, 123

Star Trek (franchise) – 4, 5, 6

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982) – 3

Star Wars (franchise 1977-2005) – 7, 9, 174, 209, 212, 214

Star Wars (1977) – 1, 2, 3, 8, 137, 192, 197

Stardust (2007) – 38

Starman (1984) – 70

Starship Troopers (1997) – 3, 216

Steel (1997) – 30

The Steel Helmet (1951) – 103

Stop Making Sense (1984) – 71

Straight Time (1978) – 152

Strange Days (1995) – 114

Stranger Than Paradise (1984) – 56

Strangers on a Train (1951) – 110, 111

The Street Fighter (1974) – 191

A Streetcar Named Desire (1951) – 175

Strictly Ballroom (1992) – 120

Stripes (1981) – 14, 56

Stuart Saves His Family (1995) – 218

Summer Catch (2001) – 168

Super High Me (2007) – x, 131

Superbad (2007) – 58

Supercop (1992) – 194

Supergirl (1984) – 22

Superman (1978) – 20, 21, 22, 29, 30

Superman II (1980) – 22, 30

Superman III (1983) – 22

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987) – 22

Superman Returns (2006) – 23

Surrogates (2009) – 5

Suspiria (1977) – 48

Swamp Thing (franchise 1982-1989) – 230

Sweeney Todd (2007) – 119

Sweet Smell of Success (1957) – 112

Swiss Family Robinson (1960) – 180

T

Tango & Cash (1989) – 96

Tarzan and His Mate (1934) – 37

Taxi Driver (1976) – 164

Teeth (2007) – 49

The Terminator (1984) – 4, 6, 7, 8, 208

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991) – 4, 8, 94, 136, 211

Terminator: Salvation (2009) – 5

Terms of Endearment (1983) – 173

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) – 48

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) – 227

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986) – 200

Texas Rangers (2001) – 13, 17

Thelma & Louise (1991) – 13

Them! (1954) – 42

There’s Something About Mary (1998) – 60

They Live (1988) – 199

They Saved Hitler’s Brain (1968) – 198

Thief (1981) – 152, 153, 154, 155, 157

The Thin Man (1934) – 211

The Thing (1982) – 44, 47

This Is Spinal Tap (1984) – 59, 61, 74, 201

Thor (2011) – 30

The Three Stooges Meet Hercules (1962) – 37

Through A Glass Darkly (1961) – 135, 136

Tideland (2005) – 202

The Tillman Story (2010) – 125

Time Bandits (1981) – 138

The Tingler (1959) – 43, 44

Titan A.E. (2000) – 186

Titanic (1997) – 144

Tom and Jerry: The Movie (1992) – 86

Tombs of the Blind Dead (1972) – 49

Tommy (1975) – 73, 119

The Tooth Fairy (2010) – 226, 227

Tootsie (1982) – 61

Top Dog (1995) – 225

Top Hat (1935) – 118

Total Recall (1990) – 3

Touch of Evil (1958) – 112

Toy Story (1995) – 81, 184

Toy Story 2 (1999) – 184

Toy Story 3 (2010) – 184

Training Day (2001) – 152

Transformers (2007) – 138

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009) – 9

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) – 9

Treasure Island (1950) – 180

A Trip to the Moon (1902) – 2, 135, 140

Triumph of the Will (1935) – 134

Troll 2 (1990) – 47, 215

TrollHunter (2010) – 49

A Troll in Central Park (1994) – 86

TRON (1982) – 208

TRON: Legacy (2010) – 208

Tropic Thunder (2008) – 55

The Truck Farmer (1954) – 131

True Grit (1969) – 13, 17

True Grit (2010) – 13, 16

Tucker and Dale Vs Evil (2010) – 49

Turner & Hooch (1989) – 159

Twelve Monkeys (1995) – 202

Twilight (2008) – 138

Twins (1988) – 91

Two Weeks Notice (2002) – 146, 216

The Ugly Truth (2009) – 144, 145, 149

U

UHF (1989) – 205

Un Chien Andalou (1929) – 140

Unbreakable (2000) – 223

The Undefeated (2011) – 132

Under the Cherry Moon (1986) – 75

Unfaithful (2002) – 176

Unforgiven (1992) – 11, 17

Universal Soldier (1992) – 92

The Unknown (1927) – 49

Up (2009) – 59, 81, 85, 181, 182, 185

V

V For Vendetta (2006) – 7

Vampire Hunter D (1985) – 82

The Vampire Lovers (1970) – 43

The Vanishing (1993) – 227

Victor Victoria (1982) – 118, 121

The Village (2004) – 50, 223, 224

The Villain (1979) – 14, 17

W

Wagons East (1994) – 14, 17

Waiting for Superman (2010) – 131

Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (2007) – 75

A Walk in the Clouds (1995) – 178

Walk The Line (2005) – 73

Wall-E (2008) – 4, 7

Wallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit (2005) – 84

The Warriors (1979) – 204

Watchmen (2009) – 23, 27, 29

Watership Down (1978) – 83

Waterworld (1995) – 1, 18

The Way of the Dragon (1972) – 194

The Wedding Singer (1998) – 146

Weekend at Bernie’s II (1993) – 63

We’re Back: A Dinosaur Story (1993) – 86

West Side Story (1961) – 46, 118, 123

When Harry Met Sally (1989) – 145, 146, 148

When We Were Kings (1996) – 128, 130

While You Were Sleeping (1995) – 146

White Men Can’t Jump (1992) – 166, 167

Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (1988) – 81, 85

Who is Harry Nilsson (And Why Is Everyone Talking About Him?) (2010) – 74

The Whole Nine Yards (2000) – 159

The Whole Ten Yards (2004) – 159

The Wicker Man (2006) – 227

The Wild Bunch (1969) – 16

Wild Wild West (1999) – 17

Willow (1988) – 35, 36, 38

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971) – 179, 185

Wind Talkers (2002) – 105

Winter Light (1963) – 135

Withnail and I (1987) – 204

Wizard of Oz (1939) – 119, 122

Wizards (1977) – 33, 38

Wolf Creek (2005) – 52

Woodstock (1970) – 75

The Wrestler (2008) – 169

X

X2: X-Men United (2003) – 29

Xanadu (1980) – 76

X-Files: I Want to Believe (2008) – 206, 207, 209

X-Men (franchise 2000-2011) – 23

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009) – 21, 30

X-Men: The Last Stand (2006) – 25

Y

Yankee Doodle Dandy (1942) – 116

Yogi Bear (2010) – 183

Yojimbo (1961) – 195

You Don’t Mess with the Zohan (2008) – 217

Young Frankenstein (1974) – 58, 61

Young Guns 2 (1990) – 17

The Young Lions (1958) – 102

Youngblood (1986) – 162

Z

Zatoichi: The Blind Swordsman (2003) – 192