Best Things Ever Said in the Dark: The Wisest, Wittiest, Most Provocative Quotations From the Movies
Author: Bruce Adamson
Date: 2004-01-02 05:00:00+00:00
Description: Proving that everything you need to know in life you can learn at the movies,ere is an extensive and varied collection of quotations from films. Both theamous and the obscure from every genre of cinema are celebrated in more thanne thousand quotations sure to intrigue and delight. Quotes offer individualakes on more than two hundred topics, including life, love, family, work,eath - not to mention cheap motels and bowling. Grouped alphabetically byubject, these quotations are extracted from hundreds of movies, from theygone Belle of the Nineties to the silly Hot Shots, Part Deux. Readers willls
Publisher: Allworth Pr

The Best Things Title Pages 6/7/04 12:15 PM Page 1

The Best Things Ever Said
in the Dark

The Wisest, Wittiest, Most Provocative Quotations from the Movies Bruce Adamson

Heathers

1 9 8 9

Sleepless in Seattle

199 3

Postcards
from the Edge

1990

CITIZEN KANE

19 41

ALLWORTH

PRESS

NEW YORK

BTESID 00 06/18/04 3:59 PM Page ii Special thanks to Rick’s Video.

Their amazing selection of movies made this book possible.

Have a favorite movie quote?

If it makes you laugh, cry, or think—without having to see the movie first—send it to bruceadamson@netzero.com. Original submissions will receive a credit in The Best Things Ever Said in the Dark: Part II.

© 2004 Bruce Adamson

All rights reserved. Copyright under Berne Copyright Convention, Universal Copyright Convention, and Pan-American Copyright Convention. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without prior permission of the publisher.

08 07 06 05 04

5 4 3 2 1

Published by Allworth Press

An imprint of Allworth Communications, Inc.

10 East 23rd Street, New York, NY 10010

Cover design by Derek Bacchus

Page composition/typography by Sharp Des!gns, Lansing, MI ISBN: 1-58115-351-1
library of congress cataloging-in-publication data The best things ever said in the dark : the wisest, wittiest, most provocative quotations from the movies / [compiled by] Bruce Adamson.

p. cm.

1. Motion pictures—Quotations, maxims, etc. I. Adamson, Bruce, 1948–

PN1994.9.B47 2004

791.43—dc22

2004001816

Printed in Canada

BTESID 00 06/18/04 3:59 PM Page iii Contents
vii

• Introduction

1

A • Acting • Actors • Adults • Advertising • Afterlife • Aging • Alcoholism • Alimony

• Ambition • Anger • Applause • Army • Art & Artists • Automobiles 7

B • Ballet • Baseball • Beauty • Beer • Betrayal • Boating • Boasting • Books

• Borrowing • Bowling • Bow Ties • Boxing • Business & Businessmen 12

C • Capitalism • Celibacy • Challenges • Champagne • Change • Cheating

• Cheerleaders • Chess • Children • Cities • Civil Disobedience • College

• Comedy & Comedians • Confession • Congress • Conscience • Contentment

• Courage • Crime • Criticism • Curiosity

18

D • Dance • Death & Dying • Destiny • Devil • Director (Film) • Divorce • Dogs

• Dreams

23

E • Emotions • Encouragement • Enemies • Evil • Exaggeration • Exercise

• Expectation • Experience

26

F

• Failure • Faith • Fame • Family • Fashion • Fate • Fathers & Fatherly Advice • Fear

• Fighting • Fishing • Food • Freedom • Free Speech • Friends • Fun • Future 33

G • Gambling • Gender Gap • God • Gold • Golf • Good & Bad • Gossip

• Government • Greatness • Guilt
iii

BTESID 00 06/18/04 3:59 PM Page iv 38

H • Hangovers • Happiness • Happy Endings • Hardship • Hate • Health • Heartbreak

• Heaven • Hell • Heroes • High School • History • Hockey • Hollywood • Home

• Honor • Hope • Human Spirit • Humility • Humor • Husbands 45

I

• Idealism • Ideas • Imagination • Infidelity • Information • Insults • Intellectuals

• Internet

50

J

• Journalism & Journalists • Joy

52

K • Killing • Kindness • Kissing

54

L

• Laughter • Law • Lawyers • Leadership • Leaving • Life & Living • Life Decisions

• Liquor • Logic • Loneliness • Love • Luck • Lust • Lying 65

M • Madness • Manners • Marriage • Martinis • Masturbation • Mathematics

• Memories • Men • Men (A Woman’s Perspective) • Middle Age • Miracles

• Miscellaneous • Mistakes • Money • Morality • Motels • Mothers & Motherhood

• Moviemaking • Movies • Music

78

N • Nature • Necessity • New Experience • Newspapers • New York • Normalcy • Nuns 81

O • Obscenity • Ocean • Old Age • Old Times • Opinions • Opportunity • Optimism 84

P

• Parents & Parenting • Paris • Passion • Past • People • Perseverance • Pessimism

• Poetry • Police • Poverty • Power • Prejudice • Pretense • Pride • Prison

• Problems & Solutions • Progress • Prostitution • Psychological Advice 93

R • Race Relations • Real Estate • Relationships • Relationships (Advice from Men)

• Relationships (Advice from Women) • Relationships (Ending) • Relationships (Work) • Revenge • Rich & Poor • Right & Wrong • Risk • Royalty • Rules iv

BTESID 00 06/18/04 3:59 PM Page v 102

S

• Sarcasm • School • Science & Scientists • Self-Awareness • Self-Denial

• Selfishness • Selling • Sex • Show Business • Single Scene (A Woman’s Perspective)

• Single Scene (A Man’s Perspective) • Smallness • Smiling • Soldiers

• Space Exploration • Strength • Suffering • Swearing 112

T • Talking • Tango • Teaching • Team Sports • Technology • Teenagers • Television

• Temper • Temptation • Theater • Therapy • Time • Toasts • Tolerance • Tomorrow

• Tradition • True Love • Trust • Truth • Trying 119

U • Understanding

120

V • Vanity • Vice • Volunteer

121

W • War • Wealth & the Wealthy • Weddings • Wine • Winning & Losing • Wisdom

• Women • Women (A Man’s Perspective) • Women’s Liberation • Words • Work

• World • Writing & Writers

131

Y • Youth

132

Z • Zen

133

• The End
v

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BTESID 00 06/18/04 3:59 PM Page vii Introduction

That’s part ofyour problem you
know, you haven’t seen enough
movies; all of life’s riddles are
answered in the movies.

— Grand Canyon ( 1991)

D E A R R E A D E R ,

Are you having problems at home? Do you hate your job? In a bad relationship? Then why not see a movie?

It’s true, everything you need to know in life you can learn at the movies. Underneath all that glitter and glamour, most movies have something to say about life, love, family, work, death—not to mention cheap motels and bowling. And therein lies the premise of this book.

Within these pages you’ll find an extensive and varied collection of spoken movie gems that deserve a second listen: a treasure chest of quotations that inspire, surprise, tickle, enlighten, and generally get you thinking about life and all its facets.

And even though many of the quotes stem from movies as dated as Belle of the Nineties, or as silly as Fast Times at Ridgemont High, the words of Benjamin Disraeli still apply: vii

BTESID 00 06/18/04 3:59 PM Page viii The wisdom of the wise and the experience of the ages are perpetuated by quotations.

A N O T E A B O U T A U T H O R S H I P

Rather than list the scriptwriter of the movie as the author of each quotation, I opted to credit the movie itself. Here’s why:

A movie is not a work of literature crafted by one mind. A movie is a collaboration.

In terms of what is said, several scriptwriters are often used, and during production, script changes are frequently made by actors, directors, and producers.

Many movie lines, too, are cloned from the words of authors, poets, comedians, artists, politicians, and even acrobats. For example, in the movie True Lies, you can hear the line:

“Women, you can’t live with ’em, you can’t kill ’em.” But you can also hear the same line, with slight variations, in Night on Planet Earth and Mad Dog and Glory.

So which scriptwriter actually wrote the line? None. It was first penned by offbeat comedian Stephen Wright. (Check out his album, I Have a Pony.) Similarly, “To be on the wire is life, the rest is waiting” was voiced in All That Jazz.

Those exact words, however, were first spoken by Carl Walenda, the famous tightrope walker.

In short, due to the nature of screenwriting and movies in general, crediting the movie itself as the source of each quotation seems the most accurate tack.

A N O T E A B O U T A C T O R S

Under the topic headings, you will occasionally find quotations from various actors. As you will see, these quotes make for an interesting juxtaposition to the movie quotes that follow.

They also prove that actors, when speaking for themselves, can often be as wise and witty as the movies in which they appear.

viii

BTESID 00 06/18/04 3:59 PM Page ix A N O T E O F T H A N K S

Finally, I would like to dedicate this book to the movie Harvey. It was actually Harvey’s good friend, Elwood P. Dowd (played by Jimmy Stewart), who gave me the idea: Years ago my mother used to say to
me, she’d say, “In this world,

Elwood, you must be O so smart or

O so pleasant.” Well, for years I
was smart. I recommend pleasant.

And you may quote me.

— Harvey ( 1950)

Thank you, Elwood. I will.

ix

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A ACTORS

An actor’s a guy who,
if you ain’t talking about him,
ain’t listening.

M A R L O N

B R A N D O

A C T I N G

Acting is acting like you’re not acting.— —The Rocketeer ( 1991) A C T O R S

Every now and then some elder statesman of the theater or cinema assures the public that actors and actresses are just plain folks, ignoring the fact that their greatest attraction to the public is their complete lack of resemblance to normal human beings.— —All About Eve ( 1950) What’s the first thing an actor learns? The show must go on. Come rain, come shine, come snow, come sleet—the show must go on.

— Singin’ in the Rain ( 1952)

1

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A C T O R S

Woman: What do you do?

Man: I am an actor.

Woman: O really, what restaurant?

— Almost You ( 1984)

A D U L T S

A grown-up is a child with layers on.

—Woody Harrelson

I think adults are just children who owe money.—— Peter’s Friends ( 1992) You think grown-ups know what they’re doing? That’s a hustle, kid.

Grown-ups are making it up as they go along, just like you. You remember that and you’ll be fine.—— Matinee ( 1993) A D V E R T I S I N G

In the world of advertising there’s no such thing as a lie, there’s only expedient exaggeration.—— North by Northwest ( 1959) Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate, so we can buy shit we don’t need.—— Fight Club ( 1999) A F T E R L I F E

Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage. —— Clue ( 1985) In the afterlife you don’t have to worry about finding work.—— Ed Wood ( 1994) A G I N G

I look forward to being older, when what
you look like becomes less and less an
issue and what you are is the point.

—Susan Sarandon

2

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Just because we’re older doesn’t mean we’re old.

— Father of the Bride, Part II ( 1995) This is life’s ultimate cruelty—it offers us a taste of youth and vitality, and then it makes us witness our own decay.— —Death Becomes Her ( 1992) At a certain point in your life, you realize you know more dead people than living.—— Cemetery Man ( 1995 –U.S./Italian) Why is life going by so fast? First I was pretty. Now I’m interesting with character. Soon I’ll be handsome, followed by stately, and then, worst of all, finally—remarkable for her age.—— Chapter Two ( 1979) You know what ages a man—boredom.—— La Dolce Vita ( 1960–Italian) There’s nothing tragic about being fifty, not unless you try to be twenty-five.

— Sunset Boulevard ( 1950)

Honey, time marches on, and eventually you realize it’s marching across your face.—— Steel Magnolias ( 1989) The problem with being my age is, everybody thinks you’re a father figure but you’re really the same asshole you always were.— —The Paper ( 1994) I’ve reached that realistic age where I have to choose between having fun and a heart attack.— —The Grasshopper ( 1970) As one gets older, one’s fear subsides. What becomes more and more important is to be known, known for all that you were during this brief stay. How sad, it seems to me, to leave this earth without those you love the most ever really knowing who you were.—— The Bridges of Madison County ( 1995) Every age is the same. It’s only love that makes any of them bearable.

— Time After Time ( 1979)

3

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A L C O H O L I S M

Even though a number of people have
tried, no one has yet found a way to
drink for a living. —Jean Kerr

We drink to escape the fact we’re alcoholics. Existence is the search for relief from our habit, and our habit is the only relief we can find.

— The Addiction ( 1995)

The only disease that can survive in our bloodstream is alcoholism.

— Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood ( 2002) A L I M O N Y

The wonderful thing about alimony . . . you lose a husband, you get a car.

— What Lies Beneath ( 2000)

A M B I T I O N

Great ambition and conquest without contribution is without significance.

What will your contribution be? How will history remember you?

— The Emperor’s Club ( 2002)

Ambition is the ice on the lake of emotion.—— Waking the Dead ( 2000) A N G E R

Anger is more useful than despair.—— Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines ( 2003) The angry man opens his mouth and shuts his eyes.— Anger Management ( 2003) A P P L A U S E

If there’s nothing else, there’s always applause. I’ve listened backstage to people applaud; it’s like waves of love coming over the footlights and wrapping you up. Imagine, to know every night that different hundreds of people love you. They smile. Their eyes shine. You’ve pleased them. They want you.

You belong. Just that alone is worth anything.—— All About Eve ( 1950) 4

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Applause may be good for the moment, but love is everlasting.

— The Adventures of Pinocchio ( 1996) A R M Y

The army is some guy you don’t know telling you to go whack some other guy you don’t know.—— Donnie Brasco ( 1997) A R T &

Here’s to art—the only world where age comes before beauty.

A R T I S T S

— The Light Touch ( 1951)

Life is a shit storm, and when it’s raining shit, the best umbrella you can buy is art.—— Tune in Tomorrow ( 1990) You’re always trying to get things to come out perfectly in art because it’s real difficult in life.—— Annie Hall ( 1977) Giacometti, the sculptor, once said, “If I were caught in a fire and I had to choose between a Rembrandt and a cat, I’d save the cat, and then I’d let the cat go.”—— A Man and a Woman ( 1966–French) I took a course in art last winter. I learned the difference between a fine oil painting and a mechanical thing, like a photograph. The photograph shows only the reality. The painting shows not only the reality, but the dream behind it.—— Harvey ( 1950)

Self-expression heals the wounded heart.

— How to Make an American Quilt ( 1996) I had a friend who had a talent for the piano, but his father was against it, arguing that art is for gays. Today, he’s sixty, he’s gay, and he can’t play the piano.—— Strawberry and Chocolate ( 1994–Cuban) An artist is never poor.—— Babette’s Feast ( 1987–Danish) 5

BTESID 01 06/18/04 4:00 PM Page 6

A U T O M O B I L E S

Cars mean freedom, you know. If you hate a place, you can get in your car—
poof—you’re gone.—— Mermaids ( 1990) A good car is important. I used to get migraine headaches when I drove a Chevy.—— Local Hero ( 1983)

6

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B BEAUTY

Just standing around looking
beautiful is so boring,
really boring.

M I C H E L L E

P F E I F F E R

B A L L E T

I don’t want a childhood! I want to be a ballet dancer!—— Billy Elliot ( 2000) B A S E B A L L

Baseball was made for kids. Grown-ups only screw it up.

— Little Big League ( 1994)

There’s no crying in baseball.—— A League of Their Own ( 1992) This is baseball. You gotta stop thinking. Just have fun.—— The Sandlot ( 1993) 7

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B E A U T Y

If you feel your value lies in being merely decorative, I fear that someday you might find yourself believing that’s all that you really are. Time erodes all such beauty. But what it cannot diminish is the wonderful workings of your mind—your humor, your kindness, and your moral courage.

— Little Women ( 1994)

Son: My teacher tells me beauty is on the inside.

Father: That’s just something ugly people say.

— Liar Liar ( 1997)

Man: A woman is beautiful when she’s loved, and only then.

Woman: Nonsense! A woman is beautiful when she has eight hours’ sleep and goes to the beauty parlor every day—and bone structure has a lot to do with it, too.

— Mr. Skeffington ( 1944)

People who are very beautiful make their own laws.

— The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone ( 1961) If you’re good looking, you’re gonna succeed through life. If you’re ugly, you better pick up a book.—— Down to Earth ( 2001) You have no idea what a long-legged gal can do without doing anything.

— The Palm Beach Story ( 1942)

She who is born beautiful is born married.—— Viva Zapata! ( 1952) I like to watch the sunrise. Looking at beautiful views gives you beautiful eyes.—— May Fools ( 1990–French/Italian) You have a good mind, a pretty face, a disciplined body that does what you tell it. You have everything it takes to make a lovely woman except the one essential—an understanding heart. And without that you might just as well be made of bronze.—— The Philadelphia Story ( 1940) 8

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B E E R

This is a grain which any fool can eat, but for which the Lord intended a more divine means of consumption. Let us give praise to our maker and glory to His bounty by learning about beer.

— Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves ( 1994) Note to self: No matter how hard life gets, there is always beer.

— Dirty Work ( 1998)

It’s beer o’clock and I’m buying.—— Memento ( 2000) B E T R A Y A L

Q: What’s an immortal sin?

A: It’s an act of betrayal in love or war—unforgivable, unforgettable.

— The Run of the Country ( 1995–U.S./British) B O A T I N G

Every time a man steps foot on a boat, his IQ drops by half.

— Passed Away ( 1992)

B O A S T I N G

Don’t let your mouth get you into something your ass can’t handle.

— The Basketball Diaries ( 1995) Big mouth don’t make a big man.—— The Cowboys ( 1992) Son, your ego’s writing checks your body can’t cash.—— Top Gun ( 1986) B O O K S

Books are like eggs—you got to crack ’em open to get anything out of them.

— Once Upon a Time . . . When We Were Colored ( 1995) Man 1: Why do the young die? Why does anybody die? Tell me.

Man 2: I don’t know.

Man 1: What’s the use of all your damn books? If they don’t tell you that, what the hell do they tell you?

Man 2: They tell me about the agony of men who can’t answer questions like yours.

— Zorba the Greek ( 1964)

9

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B O O K S

I don’t try to remember what happens in a book. All I ask of a book is to give me energy and courage, to tell me there is more of life than I can take, to remind me of the need to act.—— Léolo ( 1992–Italy) We read to know we’re not alone.—— Shadowlands ( 1993–British) B O R R O W I N G

You know, after awhile, the line between borrowing things and not returning them, and theft, becomes awfully thin.—— Barcelona ( 1994) When you borrow something and don’t tell anyone, they call that stealing.

— The Rocketeer ( 1991)

B O W L I N G

You can’t break the ball; you can’t break the floor; you can’t break anything in a bowling alley, and that’s what I like about bowling. You can’t even break the record.—— Ordinary People ( 1980) B O W T I E S

Never trust anybody who wears a bow tie. A cravat is supposed to point down, to accentuate the genitals. Why would you want to trust anybody whose tie points out to accentuate his ears?—— State and Main ( 2000) B O X I N G

This is the only sport in the world where two guys get paid for doing something they’d be arrested for if they got drunk and did it for nothing.

— Champion ( 1949)

B U S I N E S S &

The one thing you’ll learn in business is that almost anything can be achieved B U S I N E S S M E N
by having good political connections.

— Reckless Kelly ( 1993–Australia) It is the international system of currency which determines the vitality of life on this planet. That is the natural order of things today. There is no America.

There is no democracy. There is only IBM and ITT, and AT&T, and DuPont, Dow, Union Carbide, and Exxon. Those are the nations of the world today.

— Network ( 1976)

10

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Give to people what they want, then later you can give them what you want.

— Big Night ( 1996)

As day follows night, one truth is undeniable—behind every shining fortune lurks the shadow of a lie. That’s what business is.—— The Road to Wellville ( 1994) No profit grows where is no pleasure taken.

— The Taming of the Shrew ( 1967–U.S./Italian) I’m a businessman. I’m anything I need to be at anytime. —— Big Night ( 1996) I’m a businessman. I love money . . . I love power . . . I love capitalism.

I do not now, or ever will, love children.—— Annie ( 1982) 11

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C CHANGE

Someday change
will be accepted
as life itself.

S H I R L E Y

M A C L A I N E

C A P I T A L I S M

You just telephone and you get what you want—that’s the capitalistic system.

— Ninotchka ( 1939)

Palms are the wheels of capitalism, and they have to be greased.

— The Road to Wellville ( 1994) C E L I B A C Y

Woman: There are worse things in life than celibacy.

Man: Yes, lunacy and death.

— The Night of the Iguana ( 1964) 12

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C H A L L E N G E S

Challenges make you discover things about
yourself that you never really knew. They’re
what make the instrument stretch, what make you go beyond the norm.——CicelyTyson

There are no great men, only great challenges that ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.—— The Gallant Hours ( 1960) No obstacles—only challenges.—— Groove ( 2000) C H A M P A G N E

Champagne isn’t drinking; it’s a minimum of alcohol and a maximum of companionship.—— The Pink Panther ( 1964) Champagne, I love it, it tastes like your foot’s asleep.

— George White’s Scandals ( 1945) There comes a time in every woman’s life when the only thing that helps is a glass of champagne.—— Old Acquaintance ( 1943) It’s always good luck to launch something with champagne, a battleship or an evening.—— Ninotchka ( 1939) When a man says no to champagne, he says no to life.—— The Deer Hunter ( 1978) C H A N G E

In real life, people don’t change overnight. They just take a few steps in the right direction now and then.—— Gaudi Afternoon ( 2001) Life is change. Death is dwelling on the past or staying in one place too long.—— Mermaids ( 1990)

13

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C H A N G E

Woman: Things change.

Man: They always do . . . one of the laws of nature. Most people are afraid of change, but if you look at it like it’s something you can always count on, then it can be a comfort. There’s not many things you can really count on.

— The Bridges of Madison County ( 1995) Change will come as surely as the seasons and twice as quick. We make our peace with it as best we can.—— Little Women ( 1994) Change can be so constant that you don’t even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don’t know that your life is better or worse until it is. Or it can just blow you away and make you something different in an instant.—— Life as a House ( 2001) C H E A T I N G

If a thing is worth having, it’s worth cheating for.—— My Little Chickadee ( 1940) There is no more deeply moving, religious experience than cheating on a cheater.—— Maverick ( 1994)

CH E E R L E A D E R S There’s one thing that never changes — a cheerleader.

— Fast Times at Ridgemont High ( 1982) Cheerleaders are dancers who have gone retarded.—— Bring It On ( 2000) C H E S S

What is chess, do you think? Those who play for fun or not at all dismiss it as a game. The ones who devote their lives to it for the most part insist that it’s a science. Bobby Fischer got underneath it like no one before him and found, at its center, art.—— Searching for Bobby Fischer ( 1993) C H I L D R E N

The best thing about kids is makin’ ’em.—— Back to School ( 1986) 14

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My children still believe in miracles. They still believe anything’s possible, and as long as they believe like that, they’re gonna be something. They’re gonna make a difference in this world. And that means I made a difference.

— The War ( 1994)

All children break things. All children are forgiven. It’s a gift from God.

— Flirting with Disaster ( 1996) Inside every so-called bad kid is a good kid waiting for someone to reach down through the sleaze and the slime, pick him up, and hose him off.

— Summer School ( 1987)

The thing about kids is that they’re so young they don’t know nothin’. When you’re a kid you think you’re gonna grow up to be some wonderful person instead of an asshole like everybody else. —— Hero ( 1992) Children, they’re just smaller versions of us you know. But I’m not so crazy about me in the first place so why would I want one?—— Popeye ( 1980) C I T I E S

I’d rather wake up in the middle of
nowhere than in any city on earth.

—Steve McQueen

The first and perhaps the only great mayor was Pericles of Athens, who said, “All things good of this earth flow into the city because of the city’s greatness.”—— City Hall ( 1996) C I V I L D I S -

They may torture my body, break my bones, even kill me. Then they will have O B E D I E N C E
my dead body, not my obedience.—— Gandhi ( 1982–British/Indian) 15

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C I V I L D I S -

You can break a man’s skull. You can arrest him. You can throw him into a O B E D I E N C E
dungeon. But how do you fight an idea?—— Ben-Hur ( 1959) C O L L E G E

College is like high school with ashtrays.—— She’s Having a Baby ( 1988) They teach you how to underline in college.—— Slapshot ( 1977) Think about it . . . you’re in college. The window of opportunity to drink and do drugs and take advantage of young girls is getting smaller by the day.

— Road Trip ( 2000)

C O M E D Y &

C O M E D I A N S

Comedy is the art of making people
laugh without making them puke.

—Steve Martin

I think there are two kinds of comedians: there’s the funny bones comedian and the non-funny bones comedian. They’re both funny. One is funny. The other tells funny.—— Funny Bones ( 1995—British/U.S.) Nothing is more terrifying than attempting to make people laugh, and failing.—— Shadows and Fog ( 1992) C O N F E S S I O N

Confession may be good for the soul, but it’s bad for sex.

— Looking for Mr. Goodbar ( 1977) C O N G R E S S

Being in Congress has ruined many a good man.—— The Alamo ( 1960) C O N S C I E N C E

Conscience, what a thing. If you believe you have a conscience, it’ll pester you to death. But if you don’t believe you got one, what can it do to you?

— Treasure of Sierra Madre ( 1948) 16

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C O N T E N T M E N T

Show me the man who’s completely content, and I’ll show you the lobotomy scar.—— A Good Man in Africa ( 1994) You cannot find peace by avoiding life.—— The Hours ( 2002) C O U R A G E

Courage is being scared to death,
and saddling up anyway. ——John Wayne

The way it works is, you do the things you’re scared shitless of, and you get the courage after you do it, not before you do it.—— Three Kings ( 1999) Your heart is free, have the courage to follow it.—— Braveheart ( 1995) Guts’ll get you so far, then they’ll get you killed.

— Speed ( 1994)

C R I M E

If you have to commit a crime to get what you want, then you weren’t meant to have it.—— Saving Grace ( 2000) C R I T I C I S M

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can cause permanent damage.—— Talk Radio ( 1988)

Happy are they that can hear their detractions and can put them to mending.—— Much Ado About Nothing ( 1993–British/U.S.) C U R I O S I T Y

You have wit and intelligence—but what good is your brain? Without curiosity it is a rusty tool.—— Fiddler on the Roof ( 1971) 17

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D DANCE

I have no desire to prove
anything by dancing. I have
never used it as an outlet or
as a means of expressing
myself. I just dance.

F R E D

A S T A I R E

D A N C E

Dance does not signify mere pleasure, nor is it just fascinating physical activity. It awakens the soul and arouses a sense of elation rarely experienced otherwise. What is dance then, if not a prayer?—— Time and Space ( 2002) You can dance to anything as long as you feel like dancing.

— Even Cowgirls Get the Blues ( 1994) D E A T H &

I think we’re finally at a point where we’ve

D Y I N G
learned to see death with a sense of humor.

—Katharine Hepburn

18

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We don’t die, we multiply.—— Bebe’s Kids ( 1992) Everything is simple—even dying. Just close your eyes and never open them again.—— King of Hearts ( 1966–French/British) Man 1: Aren’t we supposed to be with our loved ones when we die?

Man 2: No, that’s what life is for.

— The Lift ( 2000)

The only real tragedy in life is young people passing on before their time.

— The Secret of Roan Inish ( 1994) Funny how gentle people get with you once you’re dead.

— Sunset Boulevard ( 1950)

When we know more of the living, it will be time to pursue the dead.

— The French Lieutenant’s Woman ( 1981) Only fools and priests do squander life with thoughts of death.

— Sword of the Valiant ( 1985–British) The key here, I think, is not to think of death as an end. But think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses.

— Love and Death ( 1975)

Dying is such a waste of good health.—— Man of La Mancha ( 1972) One man’s life touches so many others. When he’s not there it leaves an awfully big hole.—— It’s a Wonderful Life ( 1946) People will do anything not to die. And they’ll do anything to keep them from living their lives. One thing I’ve learned is don’t be afraid of death, but be afraid of the unlived life.—— Tuck Everlasting ( 2002) 19

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D E A T H &

Man 1: He had it comin’.

D Y I N G

Man 2: We all got it comin’.

— Unforgiven ( 1992)

God created death out of kindness.—— Coup de Torchon ( 1981—French) If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever.

— The Crow ( 1994)

Everybody knows everybody is dying. That’s why people are as good as they are.—— Bang the Drum Slowly ( 1973) There are worse things in life than death. If you’ve ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman you know what I mean.—— Love and Death ( 1975) When you’ve spent your life with someone and they start to die, you feel this terrible, terrible severing. So you do things without thinking, because what you have to face is so deeply unthinkable.

— How to Make an American Quilt ( 1996) The human animal is a beast that eventually has to die. And if he’s got money he buys and he buys and he buys. The reason why he buys everything he can is because of the crazy hope that one of the things he buys will be life everlasting, which never can be.—— Cat on a Hot Tin Roof ( 1958) It was in the reign of George III that the aforesaid personages lived and quarreled—good or bad, handsome or ugly, rich or poor—they are all equal now.—— Barry Lyndon ( 1975)

The men who build empires die, and empires die, too.

— Cat on a Hot Tin Roof ( 1958) 20

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How to deal with death is at least as important as how to deal with life.

— Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan ( 1982) What do you got to lose? You come from nothing, you’re going back to nothing. What have you lost—nothing.—— Life of Brian ( 1979—British) Worst thing about dying—no more girls.—— Breaker Morant ( 1980–Australian) D E S T I N Y

I don’t know if we each have a destiny, or if we’re all just floating around accidental like on a breeze. But I think, maybe, it’s both. Maybe both are happening at the same time.—— Forrest Gump ( 1994) Little ideas that tickle and nag and refuse to go away should never be ignored, for in them lie the seeds of destiny.—— Babe ( 1995) The truth is, you make your own destiny. Don’t wait for it to come to you.

— Only You ( 1994)

Destiny is something we’ve invented because we can’t stand the fact that everything that happens is accidental.—— Sleepless in Seattle ( 1993) D E V I L

He that sups with the devil must have a long spoon.—— Inherit the Wind ( 1960) The only devils in the world are those running around in our own hearts, and that is where all our battles ought to be fought.—— Gandhi ( 1982) Every time someone farts, a demon gets his wings.—— Spawn ( 1997) D I R E C T O R

Just what is a director? A director is someone who is constantly asked ( F I L M )

questions, questions about everything. Sometimes he has the answers, but not always.—— Day for Night ( 1973–French) 21

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D I V O R C E

A wife lasts only the length of the
marriage, but an ex-wife is there
for the rest of your life. ——Woody Allen A civilized divorce is a contradiction in terms.—— War of the Roses ( 1989) My parent’s marriage didn’t last very long. They said they didn’t love each other anymore. They eventually parted as friends, and I eventually stopped thinking it was all my fault. The truth is, it’s no one’s fault. Sometimes love simply dies.—— How to Make an American Quilt ( 1996) I don’t know when my parents began their war against each other, but I do know the only prisoners they took were their children.

— The Prince of Tides ( 1991)

D O G S

Dogs rule, cats drool.—— Homeward Bound II ( 1996) D R E A M S

Dreams—they are never in the place you expect them to be.

— Shirley Valentine ( 1989–U.S./British) Visions are worth fighting for. Why spend your life making someone else’s dreams?—— Ed Wood ( 1994)

Do you know the best way to make a dream come true? Wake up.

— Excess Baggage ( 1997)

22

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E EXERCISE

There are basically two types of
exercise in Hollywood these days:

jogging and helping a recently

divorced friend move.

R O B E R T

W A G N E R

E M O T I O N S

Emotions are ephemeral, like flowers and beauty. When they appear, it’s your duty to appreciate them.—— Just a Kiss ( 2002) To feel . . . it’s as vital as breath. And without it, without love, without anger, without sorrow, breath is just a clock—ticking.—— Equilibrium ( 2002) When it comes to emotions, even great heroes can be idiots.

— Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon ( 2000–Hong Kong/Taiwanese/U.S.) Practically perfect people never permit sentiment to muddle their thinking.

— Mary Poppins ( 1964)

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E N C O U R A G E -

I think once you’re out there and you’re doing your thing, you’re gonna be M E N T
really great—if you don’t fuck up.—— My Cousin Vinny ( 1992) E N E M I E S

If you sit by the river long enough, you will see the body of your enemy floating by.—— Rising Sun ( 1993) You can always judge a man by the quality of his enemies.

— Doctor Who ( 1963)

I’d rather have an intelligent enemy than a stupid friend. —— Frida ( 2002) My only enemy is time.—— Chaplin ( 1992–British/U.S.) E V I L

If good men do nothing, that is evil enough.—— Street Fighter ( 1994) The wicked are snared in the work of their own hands.

— Tom Jones ( 1963–British)

Villainy wears many masks, none of which is more dangerous than virtue.

— Sleepy Hollow ( 1999)

Mankind isn’t evil, just uninformed.—— X-Men ( 2000) I’ve done the vilest things, the foulest things, but I’ve done them superbly.

— Henry & June ( 1990)

Whenever I’m caught between two evils, I take the one I’ve never tried.

— Klondike Annie ( 1936)

E X A G G E R AT I O N The public demands exaggeration. —— La Dolce Vita ( 1960–Italian) You know what Shakespeare always said, don’t you? Exaggeration’s better than no news.—— La Dolce Vita ( 1960–Italian) 24

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E X E R C I S E

They say for every hour you exercise you add an hour to your life.

Who needs all that extra time if you’re just gonna spend it exercising?

— North ( 1994)

E X P E C T A T I O N

Blessed are those who expect nothing for they shall not be disappointed.

— The Trouble with Harry ( 1955) Someday our ship is gonna come in, and when it does we just have to be careful we’re not at the airport.—— Money for Nothing ( 1993) E X P E R I E N C E

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn, my God, you learn.

— Shadowlands ( 1993–British)

25

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F FAILURE

If you’re gonna be a
failure, at least be one at
something you enjoy.

S Y L V E S T E R

S T A L L O N E

F A I L U R E

No man was born to be a failure.—— It’s a Wonderful Life ( 1946) Failure is never quite so frightening as regret. —— The Dish ( 2000–Australian) Remember, when you fall on your face, you’re still moving forward.

— Repossessed ( 1990)

Failure is not an option.—— Apollo 13 ( 1995) F A I T H

Faith is believing when common sense tells you not to.

— Miracle on 34th Street ( 1947) 26

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Faith is like a glass of water. When you’re young, the glass is small and it’s easy to fill up. But the older you get the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn’t fill it anymore. —— Dogma ( 1999) Just because you can’t see the air doesn’t mean you don’t breathe, and just because you can’t see God doesn’t mean you can’t believe.

— The Preacher’s Wife ( 1996)

Seeing isn’t believing. Believing is seeing.—— The Santa Clause ( 1994) F A M E

Sometimes I have this dream that

I’d like to walk naked down the street
and leave all my fame behind. ——Kim Basinger

You can learn a lot about a society by who it chooses to celebrate.

— Celebrity ( 1998)

What is fame? The grave awaits us all.—— Babette’s Feast ( 1987–Danish) F A M I L Y

There are no perfect families. It’s normal for things to be shitty.

— Now and Then ( 1995)

You should get married and raise a large family. Once you have a large family, all other troubles mean nothing.—— The Chinese Cat ( 1944) Reason and family got nothin’ to do with one another.—— Roommates ( 1995) Nothing counts so much as blood. The rest are just strangers.

— Wyatt Earp ( 1994)

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F A M I L Y

A family crisis brings out the best and the worst in every member of the family.—— Cat on a Hot Tin Roof ( 1958) F A S H I O N

I only put on clothes so that I’m not
naked when I go out shopping. —Julia Roberts

The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.—— Steel Magnolias ( 1989) Remember, my people, there is no shame in being poor, only in dressing poorly.—— Zorro, the Gay Blade ( 1981) The main difference between the men and women in fashion is this: women make dresses for themselves and for other women, a man makes clothes for a woman he wants to be with, or, as in most cases, for the woman he wants to be.—— Ready to Wear ( 1994) Fashion is what one wears oneself. What is unfashionable is what other people wear.—— An Ideal Husband ( 1999–British/U.S.) There is no beauty in the finest cloth if it makes hunger and unhappiness.

— Gandhi ( 1982)

You’re never fully dressed without a smile. —— Annie ( 1982) F A T E

Fate takes you only so far, once you get there it’s up to you to make it happen.—— Can’t Hardly Wait ( 1998) A man’s character is his fate . . . for most of us our stories can be written long before we die.—— The Emperor’s Club ( 2002) 28

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That’s life; whichever way you turn, fate sticks out a foot to trip you.

— Detour ( 1945)

F A T H E R S &

Death ends a life but it does not end a relationship, which struggles on in the F A T H E R L Y
survivor’s mind toward some resolution which it may never find. What does it A D V I C E
matter if I never loved him or he never loved me? But still, when I hear the word “father,” it matters.—— I Never Sang for My Father ( 1970) My father was fond of saying, “You need three things in life—a good doctor, a forgiving priest, and a clever accountant.”—— Schindler’s List ( 1993) F E A R

Fear makes strangers of people who
should be friends. ——ShirleyMacLaine

If everybody weren’t afraid, then nobody would know how nice it feels to be safe.—— If Lucy Fell ( 1996) A life lived in fear is a life half lived.—— Strictly Ballroom ( 1992—Australian) Fear is the power of the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.—— Star Wars: Episode I–The Phantom Menace ( 1999) F I G H T I N G

How much can you know about yourself if you’ve never been in a fight?

I don’t wanna die without any scars. — —Fight Club ( 1999) My daddy once said of fightin’, “We were meant for better things, you and I.”

And these days, whenever I’m ready to haul off and belt someone who’s got my dander up, I hear him whisper those words in my ear.—— The War ( 1994) My old pappy used to say, “He who fights and runs away, can run away another day.”—— Maverick ( 1994) 29

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F I G H T I N G

The first man to raise a fist is the man who’s run out of ideas.

— Time After Time ( 1979)

When I was a kid my father told me, “Never hit anyone in anger—unless you’re absolutely sure you can get away with it.”—— Stripes ( 1981) F I S H I N G

No one who does not know how to catch a fish should be able to disgrace a fish by catching it.—— A River Runs Through It ( 1992) F O O D

Never eat more than you can lift.——Miss Piggy To eat good food is to be close to God.—— Big Night ( 1996) What you eat today, walks and talks tomorrow.—— Babe ( 1995–U.S./Australian) Without bread, there’s no law, freedom, justice.—— Danton ( 1982—French) I will not eat oysters. They’re alive when you eat them. I want my food dead—
not sick, not wounded—dead.—— Don’t Drink the Water ( 1969) I think I’m still looking for a man who can excite me as much as a baked potato.—— Eating ( 1990)

F R E E D O M

Liberty is like growing up—you have to suffer.—— Danton ( 1982—French) Children forget what their country means by just reading, “the land of the free,” in history books. Then they grow up and they forget even more.

Liberty’s too precious a thing to be buried in books. Americans should hold it up in front of themselves every single day of their lives and say “I’m free to think and to speak. My ancestors couldn’t, I can. And my children will.”

— Mr. Smith Goes to Washington ( 1939) 30

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I’d rather die on my feet than live on my knees.—— Panther ( 1995) George Orwell said that if liberty means anything, it means the right to tell people what they don’t want to hear.—— The People vs. Larry Flynt ( 1996) Better a thorn in the woods than a flower in a greenhouse. Better to have freedom and incessant danger than slavery with an eternal April.

— 400 Blows ( 1959—French)

The natural state of mankind is . . . freedom. And the proof is the length to which a man, woman, or child will go to regain it once taken. He will break loose his chains, he will decimate his enemies, he will try and try and try against all odds, against all prejudices, to get home.—— Amistad ( 1997) If you want a wild bird to sing, do not put him in cage.

— Charlie Chan in London ( 1934) F R E E S P E E C H

At the heart of the First Amendment is the recognition of the fundamental importance of the free flow of ideas. Freedom to speak one’s mind is not only an aspect of individual liberty but essential to the quest for truth and the vitality of society as a whole. In the world of debate about public affairs, many things done with motives that are less than admirable are nonetheless protected by the First Amendment.—— The People vs. Larry Flynt ( 1996) F R I E N D S

It’s the friends you can call up at
four A.M. that matter. ——Marlene Dietrich If you need to know the measure of a man, you simply count his friends.

— The Muppet Christmas Carol ( 1992) 31

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F R I E N D S

You can’t take it with you, so what good is it? Near as I can see, the only thing you can take with you is the love of your friends.

— You Can’t Take It with You ( 1938) It happens sometimes; friends come in and out of our lives like busboys in a restaurant.—— Stand by Me ( 1986) It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends.—— Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone ( 2001) Friendship is constant in all things save in the office and affairs of love.

— Much Ado About Nothing ( 1993–British/U.S.) They say that for a man, marriage is the death of desire, and that for a woman, sex is the end of romance—which is why friendship is so desirable.

— Amy’s O ( 2002)

F U N

Fun is like insurance, the older you get the more it costs.

— Flamingo Road ( 1949)

Fun is what you bring with you.—— Riding in Cars with Boys ( 2002) F U T U R E

We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.—— Plan 9 from Outer Space ( 1959) 32

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G GOD

When we talk to

God, we’re praying.When

God talks to us, we’re
schizophrenic.

L I L Y

T O M L I N

G A M B L I N G

Anybody knows that a hunch can make a dollar faster than an expert.

— The Big Street ( 1942)

In the casino, the cardinal rule is to keep them playing and keep them coming back. In the end, we get it all.—— Casino ( 1995) On the day when I left home to make my way in the world, my daddy took me to one side. “Son,” my daddy says to me, “I am sorry I am not able to bankroll you to a large start, but not having the necessary lettuce to get you rolling, instead I’m going to stake you to some very valuable advice. One of these days in your travels, a guy is going to show you a brand new deck of 33

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G A M B L I N G
cards on which the seal is not yet broken. Then this guy is going to offer to bet you that he can make the jack of spades jump out of this brand new deck of cards and squirt cider in your ear. But son, do not accept this bet, because as sure as you stand there, you’re going to wind up with an ear full of cider.”

— Guys and Dolls ( 1955)

Money won is twice as sweet as money earned.—— The Color of Money ( 1986) G E N D E R G A P

Sometimes I wonder if men and
women really suit each other. Perhaps
they should live next door and just visit
now and then.——KatharineHepburn

It’s the pattern of nature; the female keeps the nest while the male goes out and flaunts his feathers. Well screw that!

— How to Make an American Quilt ( 1995) Man: No man can be expected to sacrifice his honor, not even for the person he loves.

Woman: Millions of women have done it.

— A Doll’s House ( 1973)

“Balls,” said the queen, “if I had ’em I’d be king.”

— An Unmarried Woman ( 1978)

Man: But Your Majesty, you cannot die an old maid.

Queen: I have no intention to . . . I shall die a bachelor.

— Queen Christina ( 1933)

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The primary difference between a man and a woman is that a man gets his self-esteem when a woman says “yes,” and a woman gets hers when she says

“no.”—— Amy’s O ( 2002)

All I’m saying is, there’s lots of things a man can do, and in society’s eyes it’s all hunky-dory. A woman does the same thing—the same thing mind you—and she’s an outcast.—— Adam’s Rib ( 1949) Man-type things, women-type things, what does the creative force behind the universe care about such foolishness.—— Rambling Rose ( 1991) G O D

I cannot love God, whom I do not see, if I do not love my brothers and sisters, whom I can see.—— Romero ( 1989) The fact is, the gloomy God of the Old Testament still has us by the scruff of the neck today.—— Sirens ( 1994—Australian/British) Do I believe in God? I’m what you would call a teleological, existential atheist. I believe that there’s an intelligence to the universe, with the exception of certain parts of New Jersey.—— Sleeper ( 1973) When we make mistakes, they call it evil. When God makes mistakes, they call it nature.—— The Witches of Eastwick ( 1987) The Lord knows how to deliver the Godly out of temptation, but he doesn’t always bother.—— Enchanted April ( 1991—British) I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If he was a carpenter, I wondered what he charged for bookshelves.—— Love and Death ( 1975) I think if there is a God, he takes a lot of long lunches.

— Peter’s Friends ( 1992—British) 35

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G O D

I don’t believe in God, but I’m afraid of him.—— The Usual Suspects ( 1995) God always has another custard pie up his sleeve.—— Georgy Girl ( 1966–British) G O L D

Gold in itself ain’t good for nothing, except for making jewelry and gold teeth.—— The Treasure of Sierra Madre ( 1948) Money isn’t everything—gold is.—— Hudson Hawk ( 1991) G O L F

A golf course is nothing but a pool room moved outdoors.

— Going My Way ( 1944)

Sex and golf are two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them.

— Tin Cup ( 1996)

G O O D & B A D

It’s not like there’s a line between the good people and the bad people.

It’s not like you’re one or the other.—— Lone Star ( 1996) Sometimes when you open up to people, you let the bad in with the good.

— She’s All That ( 1998)

If the sun comes up tomorrow, it is only because of men of good will.

That is all there is between us and the devil.—— Thirteen Days ( 2000) Nobody has a good name and a bad mouth.—— The Magnificent Ambersons ( 1942) The greater good excuses minor evils.—— Danton ( 1982—Polish/French) Without evil there could be no good, so it must be good to be evil sometimes.—— South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut ( 1999) G O S S I P

Like I’ve always said, if you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit by me.

— Steel Magnolias ( 1989)

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G O V E R N M E N T

Governments tend not to solve
problems, only to rearrange them.

—Ronald Reagan

There is no people on earth who would not prefer their own bad government to the good government of an alien power.—— Gandhi ( 1982) I think that when statesmen forsake their own private conscience for the sake of their public duties, they lead their country by a short route to chaos.

— A Man for All Seasons ( 1966) The first rule in government spending: Why build one when you can have two at twice the price?—— Contact ( 1997) G R E A T N E S S

The great ones are impossible to deal with; they’re a pain in the ass. Because they know that if they do their jobs properly, if they just this once get it right, they can actually lift the human spirit—take it to a higher place.

— Indecent Proposal ( 1993)

Everybody gets one chance to do something great. Most people never take the chance, either because they’re too scared, or they don’t recognize it when it spits on their shoes.—— The Sandlot ( 1993) G U I L T

Guilt is petty bourgeois crap. An artist creates his own moral universe.

— Bullets Over Broadway ( 1994) Guilt is just a bag of fucking bricks. All you got to do is set it down.

— The Devil’s Advocate ( 1997)

37

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H HAPPINESS

Happiness is good health
and a bad memory.

I N G R I D

B E R G M A N

H A N G O V E R S

The best way to avoid a hangover is to stay drunk.

— Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle ( 1994) H A P P I N E S S

The nicest thing about feeling happy is that you think you’ll never feel unhappy again.—— Kiss of the Spider Woman ( 1985–U.S./Brazilian) If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn’t be a human being—
you’d be a game show host.—— Heathers ( 1989) You know, Voltaire said, “I decided to be happy, because it’s healthy.”

— May Fools ( 1990—French/Italian) 38

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Happiness consists of being able to tell the truth without hurting anyone.

— 81⁄2 ( 1963—Italian)

Happy the man and happy he alone,

He who can call today his own,

He who secure within can say,

Tomorrow do thy worst,

For I have lived today.

— Tom Jones ( 1963–British)

My father used to say, “We’re all happy, if we only knew it.”

— Shadows and Fog ( 1992)

Being happy ain’t nothing more than having something to look forward to.

— A Family Thing ( 1996)

It’s easy to grin when your ship comes in

And you’ve got the stock market beat.

But the man worthwhile is the man who can smile When his shorts aren’t too tight in the seat.

— Caddyshack ( 1980)

We are taught that suffering is the one promise life always keeps. So that if happiness comes, we know it is a precious gift, which is ours only for a brief time.—— Beyond Rangoon ( 1995) And from that day on, everyone who had a talent for it, lived happily ever after.—— The Adventures of Baron Munchausen ( 1989) H A P P Y

There are no happy endings because nothing ends.

E N D I N G S

— The Last Unicorn ( 1982)

39

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H A R D S H I P

Bad times wake us to the good times we weren’t paying attention to.

— Good Will Hunting ( 1997)

We are like blocks of stone out of which the sculptor carves the forms of men.

The blows of his chisel, which hurt us so much, are what make us perfect.—— Shadowlands ( 1985—British) What doesn’t kill you, defines you.—— Zero Effect ( 1998) Life is hard, if you think it’s hard.—— Even Cowgirls Get the Blues ( 1994) H A T E

When you hate, the only one that suffers is you, because most of the people you hate don’t know it, and the rest don’t care. —— Ghosts of Mississippi ( 1996) H E A L T H

“Health,” the open sesame to the sucker’s purse.—— The Road to Wellville ( 1994) When my son was born healthy, I never asked why. Why was I so lucky?

What did I do to deserve this perfect child, this perfect life? But when he got sick, you can bet I asked why! I demanded to know why! Why was this happening?—— Awakenings ( 1990) If you haven’t got your health, you haven’t got anything.

— The Princess Bride ( 1987)

H E A R T B R E A K

Heartbreak is life educating us.—— Men Don’t Leave ( 1990) H E A V E N

I always imagined heaven to be one enormous library, only you can’t take out the books.—— I.Q. ( 1994)

If you can find a little piece of heaven, who cares what it costs?

— Mr. Peabody and the Mermaid ( 1948) 40

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H E L L

Everybody’s hell is different. It’s not all fire and pain. The real hell is your life gone wrong.—— What Dreams May Come ( 1998) H E R O E S

The difference between a hero and
a coward is one step sideways. ——GeneHackman Men want to be heroes, and their widows mourn.—— The Train ( 1964) We’re all heroes if you catch us at the right moment.—— Hero ( 1992) H I G H S C H O O L

High school’s better than junior high; they call you names but not as much to your face.—— Welcome to the Dollhouse ( 1996) High school is a lot like prison—bad food, high fences, the sex you want you ain’t getting, and the sex you’re getting you don’t want.—— The New Guy ( 2002) H I S T O R Y

History is a beautiful thing because history teaches you where you come from.

I want you to know this. I want you to be proud of what we got right, and tell the truth about what we got wrong, and learn from it.

What’s the use of tomorrow, if you don’t learn; all you’ve got is today.

— Sarafina! ( 1992—U.S./British/French) You have to know where things come from to know where they’re going.

— The Nasty Girl ( 1990—German) H O C K E Y

Man 1: It’s so loud in here, I can barely hear myself think.

Man 2: You don’t have to think, it’s hockey.

— Sudden Death ( 1995)

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H O L L Y W O O D

In Hollywood, a girl’s virtue is much
less important than her hairdo.——Marilyn Monroe Woman: It must be quite a struggle to make it in Hollywood.

Man: O no, you just have to know which fork to use and which knife to stick in whose back.

— Caught in the Draft ( 1941)

H O M E

Why do we always expect home to stay the same? Nothing else does.

— Hearts in Atlantis ( 2001)

Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home, with the possible exception of Vegas when Sinatra’s in town.—— North ( 1994) H O N O R

Father: All men with honor are kings, but not all kings have honor.

Son: What is honor?

Father: Honor is what no man can give you and none can take away.

Honor is a man’s gift to himself.

— Rob Roy ( 1995—U.S./Scottish) You don’t need a patch on your arm to have honor.—— A Few Good Men ( 1992) H O P E

Hope is the feeling you have that the
feeling you have isn’t permanent. —Jean Kerr

’Tis said that hope is a bad supper but makes a good breakfast.

— Tom Jones ( 1963–British)

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It is the right of the people that they shall not be deprived of hope.

— All the King’s Men ( 1949)

H U M A N S P I R I T

The human spirit is stronger than
anything that can happen to it.

—George C. Scott

The human spirit—it is a very difficult thing to kill.

— The Addams Family ( 1991)

H U M I L I T Y

It’s just as false not to blow your horn at all, as it is to blow it too loudly.

— All About Eve ( 1950)

H U M O R

Humor is just another defense
against the universe.——Mel Brooks

My philosophy is this: If you don’t have a good sense of humor, you’re better off dead.—— Who Framed Roger Rabbit? ( 1988) A man who never jokes is a standing joke to the world.—— Disraeli ( 1929) A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.

— Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory ( 1971) Just because a person uses a few lines to lighten a subject, doesn’t mean that subject is taken lightly.—— Cop ( 1987) 43

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H U M O R

Humor heightens our sense of survival and preserves our sanity.

— Chaplin ( 1992—British/U.S.)

If it bends, it’s funny. If it breaks, it’s not funny.

— Crimes and Misdemeanors ( 1989) Dying is easy; comedy is hard.—— My Favorite Year ( 1982) H U S B A N D S

Husbands are like fires– they go out
if unattended.——Zsa Zsa Gabor

Husbands should be like Kleenex—soft, strong, and disposable.—— Clue ( 1985) A husband is what’s left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed.

— One Night in the Tropics ( 1940) Man 1: Married men live longer.

Man 2: Nonsense, it only seems longer

— Mr. Moto’s Last Warning ( 1939) 44

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I INSULTS

You might say he was
one taco short
of a combination platter.

R O B I N

W I L L I A M S

I D E A L I S M

You know how I define idealism . . . youth’s final luxury.—— Quills ( 2000) Idealism is guilty, middle-class bullshit.—— subUrbia ( 1996) I D E A S

Most great ideas come from hard work and careful planning. Of course, once in a while they just jump out at you.—— Matilda ( 1996) I M A G I N A T I O N

Imaginations are a luxury; most people can’t afford them.

— Sirens ( 1994—Australian/British) We are all shaped by the promises of our imaginations.—— Mr. North ( 1988) 45

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I M A G I N A T I O N

No room would be empty if your mind is full.—— Little Buddha ( 1993) I N F I D E L I T Y

A man can have two, maybe three love
affairs while he’s married. After that
it’s cheating.——Yves Montand

Marriages don’t break up on account of infidelity. It’s just a symptom that something else is wrong.—— When Harry Met Sally ( 1989) Never have an affair with someone who doesn’t have as much to lose as you.

— The Guide for the Married Man ( 1967) The first man that can think up a good explanation of how he can be in love with his wife and another woman is going to win that prize they’re always giving away in Sweden.—— The Women ( 1939) I’m old fashioned. I don’t believe in extramarital relationships. I think that people should mate for life, like pigeons and Catholics.—— Manhattan ( 1979) Man: Do you want to see other men?

Woman: Not today.

— An Unmarried Woman ( 1978)

You know the story: I thought I was lonely, and he forgot he was married.

— The Net ( 1995)

I N F O R M AT I O N

There’s a war out there, a world war. And it’s not about who’s got the most bullets; it’s about who controls the information: what we see and hear, how we work, what we think. It’s all about the information.—— Sneakers ( 1992) 46

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The most valuable commodity I know of is information.—— Wall Street ( 1987) I N S U L T S

If bullshit were poetry, you’d be Shakespeare.—— Strip Search ( 1997) A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.—— Cat on a Hot Tin Roof ( 1958) His ass is so tight, when he farts only dogs hear it.—— Strange Days ( 1995) You know what you are? You’re an ass-half—takes two of you to make an asshole.—— Cadillac Man ( 1990) You pit your wits with me little man and you won’t have your wits to pit with.—— Murder by Death ( 1976) They say you’re the world’s only living heart donor. —— Sabrina ( 1995) My wife thinks fucking and cooking are two cities in China.

— Mad Dog and Glory ( 1993)

I had better sex in prison.—— Reindeer Games ( 2000) You’re lucky, you believe in your own twaddle.

— The Seventh Seal ( 1957–Swedish) If brains were dynamite, you couldn’t blow your nose.

— American Graffiti ( 1973)

You’re dumber than you think I think you are.—— Chinatown ( 1974) Don’t mind her, she’s still upset because somebody dropped a house on her sister.—— Beetlejuice ( 1988) 47

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I N S U L T S

He was so dumb he thought that the Gettysburg Address was where Lincoln lived.—— A Fish Called Wanda ( 1988) (He was so fat . . . ) Legend has it his shadow once killed a dog.

— A Bronx Tale ( 1993)

I think you’re the opposite of a paranoid. I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.—— Deconstructing Harry ( 1997) Do the world a favor and pull your lip over your head and swallow.

— Grumpy Old Men ( 1993)

Woman: I hate you.

Man: I hate you more. If hate were people, I’d be China.

— City Slickers ( 1991)

Take care of your body because when it goes, you’ll have nothing left.

— Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle ( 1994) If my dog was as ugly as you, I’d shave his butt and tell him to walk backward.—— The Sandlot ( 1993) I can practically hear you getting fatter.—— Tommy Boy ( 1995) Were you born worthless, or did you have to work at it?

— Full Metal Jacket ( 1987)

You dance like a herd of cattle.—— Kate and Leopold ( 2001) Are you eating a tomato, or is that your nose?

— You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man ( 1939) I crap bigger than you.—— City Slickers ( 1991) 48

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I N T E L L E C T U A L S You think too much, that is your trouble. Clever people and grocers, they weigh everything.—— Zorba the Greek ( 1964) That’s one thing about intellectuals; they prove you can be absolutely brilliant and have no idea what’s going on.—— Annie Hall ( 1977) I N T E R N E T

For me, the Internet is just another way of being rejected by women.

— You’ve Got Mail ( 1998)

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J

J O Y

I like joy; I want to be joyous.

I want to smile, and I want to make
people laugh. And that’s all I want.

I like being happy. I want to

make others happy.

D O R I S

D A Y

J O U R N A L I S M

Journalism is literature in a hurry.—— Runaway Bride ( 1999)

&

J O U R N A L I S T S

The profession of journalism has about as much integrity as the world’s oldest profession, maybe less. At least whores don’t kid themselves about their motives.—— American Gothic ( 1995) As a journalist, I know people will believe two things: what they read in the newspapers, and what they want to believe. And that’s the way of the world.

— Princess Caraboo (1994—U.S./British) 50

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All columnists should be beaten to a pulp and converted back into paper.

— Sabrina ( 1954)

J O Y

You cannot banish joy, for that is the road to madness.—— Restoration ( 1995) 51

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K KINDNESS

The older you get,
the more you realize that
kindness is synonymous
with happiness.

L I O N E L

B A R R Y M O R E

K I L L I N G

It’s a hell of a thing, killin’ a man. You take away all he has, and all he’s ever gonna have.—— Unforgiven ( 1992) Life is God’s precious gift. No principle, however glorious, may justify the taking of it.—— The Crucible ( 1996) Kill a few people, they call you a murderer. Kill a few million and you’re a conqueror.—— Cliffhanger ( 1993) I have a little rule about killing people. Well, actually, I have two rules: one, I don’t date musicians; and two, I do not kill people.—— Under Siege ( 1992) 52

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K I N D N E S S

There’s no human problem that can’t be solved by kindness.

— Curly Top ( 1935)

K I S S I N G

I like to kiss this girl because she has just the type of lips I like—one on the top and one on the bottom.—— Son of Paleface ( 1952) My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face, and then slowly move her to the next room, maneuver her next to the bed, marry her, and start the whoopee machine.—— Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid ( 1982) 53

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L LAUGHTER

He who laughs most,

learns best.

J O H N

C L E E S E

L A U G H T E R

You gotta learn to laugh; that’s the way to true love.—— Michael ( 1997) Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. —— Coup De Ville ( 1990) My father said, “Laugh and the world laughs with you—cry, and I’ll give you something to cry about you little bastard.”—— The Great White Hype ( 1996) L A W

I’ll tell you what justice is. Justice is the law. And the law is man’s feeble attempt to set down the principles of decency. And decency is not a deal. It isn’t an angle, or a contract, or a hustle. Decency is what your grandmother taught you. It’s in your bones.—— The Bonfire of the Vanities ( 1990) 54

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There are unjust laws as there are unjust men.—— Gandhi ( 1982) L A W Y E R S

Lawyers are like nuclear warheads: I have them because the other guy has them, but the first time you use them it fucks everything up.

— Other People’s Money ( 1991)

Maybe it’s also possible for a lawyer to be just plain stupid.

— Twelve Angry Men ( 1957)

I don’t get tough with anyone . . . my lawyer does.—— Chinatown ( 1974) People usually get what they deserve—except for lawyers.

— Body of Evidence ( 1993)

Some men are heterosexual, and some men are homosexual, and some men don’t think about sex at all—they become lawyers.—— Love and Death ( 1975) L E A D E R S H I P

First rule of leadership: Everything is your fault.—— A Bug’s Life ( 1998) A leader is a man who can adapt principles to circumstances.—— Patton ( 1970) Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do, and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.—— Patton ( 1970) L E A V I N G

Just because you’re leaving doesn’t mean you’re not going to the same goddamn place.—— Leaving Normal ( 1992) Sometimes you don’t get things back. Sometimes when they go away . . .

they go away forever.—— My Family ( 1995) Life is filled with goodbyes, a million goodbyes, and it hurts every time.

— Eve’s Bayou ( 1997)

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L I F E & L I V I N G

My formula for living is quite simple. I get
up in the morning and I go to bed at night.

In between, I occupy myself as best I can.

—Cary Grant

Life is short. Whatever time you get is luck.—— Heat ( 1972) Life is trouble, only death is not. To be alive is to undo your belt and look for trouble.—— Zorba the Greek ( 1964) Life isn’t fair. Even the Declaration of Independence only guarantees life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. It doesn’t say anything about fair. It doesn’t even say you have the right to be happy—just to pursue it.

— Straight Talk ( 1992)

Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile you could miss it.—— Ferris Bueller’s Day Off ( 1986) Life is like the ladder in a chicken coop—short and shitty.

— Goodbye, Professor! ( 1992—Italian) I guess it comes down to a simple choice—get busy living or get busy dying.

— The Shawshank Redemption ( 1994) Allow me to explain the secret of life: Yesterday’s pain is tomorrow’s joke, and you always end up laughing if you can manage not to cut your throat first.—— Angels Over Broadway ( 1940) It’s the Second Law of Thermodynamics: Sooner or later everything turns to shit.—— Husbands and Wives ( 1992) 56

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Here is the meaning of life: Try to be nice to people, avoid eating fats, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations.

— Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life ( 1983—British) Life is so gloriously improbable.—— Queen Christina ( 1933) Every day above ground is a good day.—— Scarface ( 1983) Life and money both behave like loose quicksilver in a nest of cracks. When they’re gone you can’t tell where or what the devil you did with them.

— The Magnificent Ambersons ( 1942) What a man does in this lifetime, echoes an eternity.—— Gladiator ( 2000) Every man dies. Not every man lives.—— Braveheart ( 1995) There’s an old joke: Two elderly women are at a Catskill Mountain resort and one of them says, “Boy the food at this place is really terrible.” The other one says, “Yeah I know, and such small portions.” Well that’s essentially how I feel about life . . . full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness, and it’s all over much too quickly.—— Annie Hall ( 1977) Life is made up of meetings and partings. That is the way of it.

— The Muppet Christmas Carol ( 1992) Life is not a movie—good guys lose, everybody lies, and love does not conquer all.—— Swimming with Sharks ( 1994) The trick in life is not getting what you want—it’s wanting it after you get it.

— Love Affair ( 1994)

Carpe diem — seize the day. Make your lives extraordinary.

— Dead Poets Society ( 1989)

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L I F E & L I V I N G

Live every day as if it were to be your last. One day you’re sure to be right.

— Breaker Morant ( 1980–Australian) Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.

(From the John Lennon song, “Beautiful Boy”)—— Mr. Holland’s Opus ( 1995) A life without a cause is a life without effect.—— Barbarella ( 1968) It’s a truth universally acknowledged that the moment one area of your life starts going OK, another part falls spectacularly to pieces.

— Bridget Jones’s Diary ( 2001–U.S./British/French) The trouble with real life is, there’s no danger music.—— The Cable Guy ( 1996) One of the most important things in life is showing up.—— Hardball ( 2001) In this life, it’s not what you hope for, it’s not what you deserve—it’s what you take.—— Magnolia ( 1999)

Life is like the ozone layer—you never miss it til it’s gone.

— Naked Gun 21⁄2 ( 1991)

Life is pain! Anyone who says differently is selling something.

— The Princess Bride ( 1987)

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.—— Husbands and Wives ( 1992) One day can make your life. One day can ruin your life. All life is, is four or five big days that change everything.—— Riding in Cars with Boys ( 2002) All I’m saying is, I want to look back and say that I did the best I could while I was stuck in this place; had as much fun as I could while I was stuck in this place; played as hard as I could while I was stuck in this place.

— Dazed and Confused ( 1993)

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You can be anywhere when your life begins. You meet the right person and anything is possible.—— Crazy/Beautiful ( 2001) Whoever saves one life saves the world entire.—— Schindler’s List ( 1993) Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death.

— Auntie Mame ( 1958)

Life’s like a movie—write your own ending.—— The Muppet Movie ( 1979) L I F E

When a defining moment comes along, you can either define the moment, D E C I S I O N S
or the moment can define you.—— Tin Cup ( 1996) When your head says one thing and your whole life says another, your head always loses.—— Key Largo ( 1948) It is not our abilities that tell us who we truly are . . . it is our choices.

— Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets ( 2002) L I Q U O R

I always keep a supply of stimulant
handy in case I see a snake, which I
also keep handy. ——W. C. Fields

My old man always said, “Liquor doesn’t drown your troubles, just teaches

’em to swim.”—— Redlight ( 1949) Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.

— Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory ( 1971) L O G I C

Only a fool looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart.

— O Brother, Where Art Thou? ( 2000) 59

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L O N E L I N E S S

What a lovely surprise to finally
discover how unlonely being alone
can be. —Ellen Burstyn

Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.

— My Brilliant Career ( 1979–Australian) Nobody ever lies about being lonely.—— From Here to Eternity ( 1953) When a cold wind blows, it chills you, chills you to the bone. But there’s nothing in nature that freezes your heart like years of being alone.

— The Muppet Christmas Carol ( 1992) Man: Are you alone?

Woman: Isn’t everyone?

— Chinatown ( 1974)

L O V E

Love is the only disease that makes
you feel better.——Sam Shepard

The greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

— Moulin Rouge ( 2001)

I think the only thing that keeps people truly safe and happy is love. I think that’s where men get their courage, and that’s where countries get their strength, and that’s where God grants us our miracles. And in the absence of love, there is nothing, nothing in this world worth fighting for.

— The War ( 1994)

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It is not love that complicates life, but the uncertainty of love.

— Two English Girls ( 1971–French) When Mozart was a child and they asked him to play the piano, he used to say, “I will, but first, tell me that you love me.”—— Day for Night ( 1973–French) A heart is not measured by how much it loves, but by how much it is loved in return.—— The Wizard of Oz ( 1939) The things that people in love do to each other, they remember. And if they stay together, it’s not because they forget, it’s because they forgive.

— Indecent Proposal ( 1993)

One doesn’t think about love—either one feels it or one doesn’t.

— Like Water for Chocolate ( 1992—Mexican) There are only four questions of value in life: What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for? And what is worth dying for?

The answer to each is the same—only love.—— Don Juan DeMarco ( 1995) When do you think is the time to love somebody the most? When he’s done good and made things easy for everybody? No. That ain’t the time at all.

It’s when he’s at his lowest, and he can’t believe in himself cause the world’s done whipped him so.—— A Raisin in the Sun ( 1961) There is a very fine line between love and nausea.—— Coming to America ( 1988) Love . . . is a thing of beauty like a work of art. And like a work of art, it is created by artists. The greater the artist, the greater the art.—— Gigi ( 1958) The essence of love is to labor for something, to make something grow. Love and labor are inseparable: one loves that for which one labors, and one labors for that which one loves.—— School Daze ( 1988) 61

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L O V E

There’s different kinds of love. Some people you love no matter what. Others you love if the situation is right. To me, the best kind of love is the “no matter what” kind.—— Inventing the Abbotts ( 1997) Have you ever known anyone to actually be in love longer than ninety days?

You? Your mother? Aunts? Girls you grew up with? Anyone? It’s impossible.

And perfectly good women attach themselves to pigs for eternity on the basis of ninety days of hormonal imbalance.—— Still Breathing ( 1997) Man: I’d like to come home at night and find a person I love waiting for me.

Woman: So would I. And I’ve been married twenty years.

— Weekend with Father ( 1951)

I’m beginning to think that maybe it’s not just how much you love someone, maybe what matters is who you are when you’re with them.

— The Accidental Tourist ( 1988) If a woman is willing to give you her love, it’s the greatest gift in the world. It makes you taller, makes you smarter, makes your teeth shine.

— With Honors ( 1994)

Love may not make the world go round, but it makes the ride worthwhile.

— On the Line ( 2001)

Love is a wish that hides in your heart and nobody knows it but you. Love is blinding . . . an eternity in a single moment, a religion worth dying for. And it’s also time consuming and a pain in the ass and a hole in the heart and that sort of thing . . . not necessarily in that order but I like to think it is.

— Bandits ( 2001)

I’ve never fallen in love, but I’ve stepped in it a few times.

— Peter’s Friends ( 1992—British) 62

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Do you know how painful it is to want to love someone?

— The Four Seasons ( 1981)

The thing about love is that you can really make an ass out of yourself.

— Starting Over ( 1979)

Some things I’ll always remember: throw salt over your left shoulder, grow rosemary by your front gate, plant lavender for luck, and fall in love whenever you can.—— Practical Magic ( 1998) Why be miserable with someone you don’t love? It’s better to be miserable with someone you do love.—— Come September ( 1961) If I give my heart to you, I’ll have none and you’ll have two.

— Crocodile Dundee ( 1986)

Love means never having to say you’re ugly.—— The Abominable Dr. Phibes ( 1971) That’s your problem. You don’t want to be in love, you want to be in love in a movie.—— Sleepless in Seattle ( 1993) L U C K

Get as much experience as you can so
that you’re ready when luck works.

That’s the luck. ——Henry Fonda

One man is born a hero . . . his brother, a coward. Babies starve, politicians grow fat, holy men are martyred, and junkies grow legions. Why? Why? Why?

Why? Why? Why? Luck—blind, stupid, simple, doo-dah, clueless luck.

— Batman Forever ( 1995)

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L U C K

If it wasn’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have no luck at all.—— A Bronx Tale ( 1993) Arr! Fortune rides the shoulders of them what schemes.

— Long John Silver ( 1954—Australian) Fortune smiles at some and laughs at others.

— Thirteen Conversations About One Thing ( 2001) Man 1: Luck is a lazy man’s excuse.

Man 2: Ah, spoken like a man who’s had nothing but good luck.

— Thirteen Conversations About One Thing ( 2001) L U S T

Sometimes, in the heat of passion, the little head tells the big head what to do and the big head should think twice about it.—— A Bronx Tale ( 1993) Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker.—— Naked ( 1993)

I’m not looking for Miss Right. I’m looking for Miss Right Now.

— Dead Again ( 1991)

L Y I N G

Any lie will find believers, as long as you tell it with force enough.

— Queen Christina ( 1933)

Elaborate excuse, seldom true.—— Castle in the Desert ( 1942) This is a Washington D.C. kind of lie: it’s when the other person knows you’re lying and also knows you know he knows.—— Advise and Consent ( 1962) It’s not a lie; it’s a gift for fiction.—— State and Main ( 2000) 64

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M MADNESS

I’m not crazy, but I think
everybody else is.

P E T E R

O ’ T O O L E

M A D N E S S

I like you too much not to say it. You’ve got everything except one thing—
madness. A man needs a little madness or else he never dares cut the rope, and be free.—— Zorba the Greek ( 1964) When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? Perhaps to be practical is madness. To surrender dreams, this may be madness.

To seek treasure where there is only trash. Too much sanity may be madness.

And maddest of all, to see life as it is, and not as it should be.

— Man of La Mancha ( 1972)

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What if I told you “insane” was working fifty hours a week in some office for fifty years, at the end of which they tell you to piss off . . . ending up in some retirement village hoping to die before suffering the indignity of trying to make it to the toilet on time. Wouldn’t you consider that to be insane?

— Con Air ( 1997)

Man 1: This is either madness or brilliance.

Man 2: It’s remarkable how often those two traits coincide.

— Pirates of the Caribbean ( 2003) M A N N E R S

The hardest job kids face today
is learning good manners without
seeing any.——Fred Astaire

Manners are a way of showing other people we care about them.

— Blast from the Past (1999)

Bad table manners have broken up more households than infidelity.

— Gigi (1958)

M A R R I A G E

Marriage is a great institution, but

I ’m not ready for an institution.——MaeWest

No matter who you marry, you wake up married to someone else.

— Guys and Dolls (1955)

Marriage is nothing but a three-ring circus: first the engagement ring, and then the wedding ring, and then the suffering.

66

— The Wistful Widow of Wagon Gap ( 1947)

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Marriage doesn’t work. You know what works? Divorce.—— Heartburn ( 1986) Q: What do you think matters most for a good marriage?

A: A short memory.

— Frida ( 2002)

My family considers marriage far more important than the players in it, like baseball.—— Passed Away ( 1992) In marriage, happiness is just a matter of chance.—— Pride and Prejudice ( 1940) Marriage is like the Middle East—there’s no solution.

— Shirley Valentine ( 1989—U.S./British) Man 1: Love is an intoxication.

Man 2: And marriage is the hangover.

— Cracked Nuts ( 1931)

Marriage is like a beleaguered city: those that are out want to get in; those that are in want to get out.—— The Private Life of Don Juan ( 1934) Marriage, that thing where you hang together a lot, and sleep in the same room, and button each other’s hard to reach buttons.—— Sabrina ( 1995) Marriage is a comfortable way to spend the winter

— The Trouble with Harry ( 1955) Marriage is a lot like Miami: it’s hot, and it’s terrible, and it’s sometimes dangerous—but if it’s so terrible, why is there all that traffic?

— Miami Rhapsody ( 1995)

Why couldn’t we have arranged marriages in America? At least you could spend the rest of your life blaming your parents instead of yourself.

— Only You ( 1992)

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M A R R I A G E

You’re supposed to grow old with someone, not because of them.

— Lethal Weapon III ( 1992)

If God had meant me to marry a poor man, he would have made me homely.—— Good Advice ( 2001)

Sometimes the only way to catch an uncatchable woman is to offer her a wedding ring.—— Big Fish ( 2003) Do you know what marriage is? Marriage is when a woman asks a man to take off his pajamas, and it’s because she wants to send them to the laundry.

— Two for the Road ( 1967–British) The trouble with marriage is that it’s relentless. Every morning when you wake up, it’s still there.—— Chapter Two ( 1979) M A R T I N I S

Let me mix you a martini . . . it may not make one’s problems disappear, but it does reduce their size.—— Some Came Running ( 1958) A martini is like a woman’s breast, one ain’t enough and three is too many.

— The Parallax View ( 1974)

MASTURBATION

If you have sex and you know you’ve
made the other person happy, it’s so
much better than doing it for yourself.

Although if you’re using your left
hand, it’s really like you’re with
someone else. ——Jim Carrey

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He who hesitates, masturbates.—— The Cable Guy ( 1996) Hey, don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.

— Annie Hall ( 1977)

M AT H E M AT I C S

Mathematics is the only true universal language. —— Contact ( 1997) I like numbers, because with numbers, truth and beauty are the same thing.

— Enigma ( 2001)

M E M O R I E S

Memories are meant to fade. They’re designed that way for a reason.

— Strange Days ( 1995)

Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.

— An Affair to Remember ( 1957) M E N

My father used to say, “There are four things that tell the world who a man is—his house, his car, his wife, and his shoes.”—— War of the Roses ( 1989) There are several quintessential moments in a man’s life: losing his virginity, getting married, becoming a father, and having the right girl smile at you.

— St. Elmo’s Fire ( 1985)

Men should be explorers no matter how old they are.—— Cocoon ( 1985) A man’s not worth a cent until he’s forty. We just pay him wages until then to make mistakes.—— Hello Dolly! ( 1969) I never liked a man I didn’t meet.—— Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle ( 1994) A man don’t go his own way—he’s nothing.—— From Here to Eternity ( 1953) A man who doesn’t spend time with his family can never be a real man.

— The Godfather ( 1972)

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M E N

We men are pretty much alike; we like to think we stand alone, but there’s generally a woman standing beside us.—— Possessed ( 1931) I just do that to satisfy my male cravings to kill and win.

— Hot Shots! Part Deux ( 1993)

M E N

( A W O M A N ’ S

Men are creatures with two legs

P E R S P E C T I V E )

and eight hands.——Jayne Mansfield

There are two kinds of men—rich ones and ugly ones.

— Volere Volare ( 1991—Italian) Really, there’s no difference between grown men and little boys. It’s the same as it was in the sandbox, except for then, they wanted to pull your pants down in public.—— The Object of Beauty ( 1991) Some of the wildest men make the best pets.—— Belle of the Nineties ( 1934) You poor guys, always confusing your pistols with your privates.

— Batman Returns ( 1992)

Here’s to men—bless their clean-cut faces and their dirty little minds.

— The Best of Everything ( 1959) Woman 1: Men—sometimes they’re just assholes.

Woman 2: Sometimes they sure are handy assholes.

— The Right Stuff ( 1983)

Men like that—to show women their machines.—— Passion Fish ( 1992) 70

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With most fellas, if you say something like, “My favorite season is autumn,”

they go, “Oh, my favorite season is spring,” and then they go ten minutes talking why they like spring, and you ain’t talking about spring, you’re talking about autumn. So what do you do . . . talk about what they want to talk about, or you don’t talk at all, or you wind up talking to yourself.

— Shirley Valentine ( 1989–U.S./British) Girls, have I ever told you the facts of life? Stay away from boys because they’re all disgusting, self-indulgent beasts that pee on bushes and pick their noses.—— The Prince of Tides ( 1991) M I D D L E A G E

The really frightening thing about middle
age is the knowledge you’ll grow out ofit.

—Doris Day

Being middle-aged takes up most of your time.

— A Hard Day’s Night ( 1964–British) I’m too young to be old and too old to be young.—— Fried Green Tomatoes ( 1991) M I R A C L E S

I ’m in love with the potential of
miracles. For me, the safest place
is out on a limb.——ShirleyMacLaine

A belief in miracles has been the difference between living and dying as often as any surgeon’s scalpel.—— People Will Talk ( 1951) 71

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M I R A C L E S

Anything is possible when you love someone. Even miracles.

— Brigadoon ( 1954)

Miracles are made in the heart.—— The Adventures of Pinocchio ( 1996) MISCELLANEOUS I give you the Tralfamadorian greeting: Hello, farewell, hello, farewell, eternally connected, eternally embracing, hello, farewell.

— Slaughterhouse-Five ( 1972)

Heard about the guy who fell off a skyscraper? On his way down, past each floor, he kept saying to reassure himself, “So far so good, so far so good.”

How you fall doesn’t matter; it’s how you land.—— Hate ( 1995–French) I would never dream of forcing you to do anything against your will . . .

except this one time.—— Indecent Proposal ( 1993) Instant gratification takes too long.—— Postcards from the Edge ( 1990) La dee dah, la dee day, la la yeah.—— Annie Hall ( 1977) M I S T A K E S

Life is not life unless you make mistakes.

—Joan Collins

I don’t blame people for their mistakes, but I do ask that they pay for them.

— Jurassic Park ( 1993)

Sometimes all it takes is a split second to do something you’ll regret the whole rest of your life.—— The War ( 1994) Everyone has the right to make an ass out of themselves. You can’t let the world judge you too much.—— Harold and Maude ( 1972) 72

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Being wrong is not nearly as important as not admitting it.

— The Osterman Weekend ( 1983)

Sometimes we all do things that just don’t make no sense.

— Forrest Gump ( 1994)

M O N E Y

Starting out to make money is the
greatest mistake in life. Do what you
feel you have a flair for doing, and if
you are good enough at it, the money
will come. ——Greer Garson

The only real question with money is, do you possess it or does it possess you?—— Money for Nothing ( 1993) For money, well timed and properly applied, can accomplish anything.

— Barry Lyndon ( 1975)

Having money isn’t the most important thing. The most important thing is having friends, especially friends with money.—— Troop Beverly Hills ( 1989) In this country, you got to make the money first. Then when you make the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, you get the women.—— Scarface ( 1983)

Money can’t buy happiness, but at least you can pick your own kind of misery.—— Easy Money ( 1983)

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M O N E Y

There’s only one thing I like better than money—other people’s money.

— Other People’s Money ( 1991)

Anybody who tells you money is the root of all evil doesn’t fucking have any.

— Boiler Room ( 2000)

Money’s most powerful ability is to allow bad people to continue doing bad things at the expense of those who don’t have it.—— Sneakers ( 1992) If something’s worth doing, it’s worth doing for money.—— Wall Street ( 1987) It’s not the money I love; it’s the not having it I hate.

— The Unsinkable Molly Brown ( 1964) M O R A L I T Y

What’s right for most people in most situations isn’t right for everyone in every situation. Real morality lies in following one’s own heart.

— Bicentennial Man ( 1999)

There are two moralities: the petty, conventional one, ever changing and loud mouthed; the other, the eternal one, is around us and above us, like the land-scape and the clear blue sky.—— Madame Bovary ( 1991—French) It’s best not to be too moral; you cheat yourself out of too much life. Aim above morality. If you apply that to life then you’re bound to live it fully.

— Harold and Maude ( 1972)

M O T E L S

Practical things, motels. You park, no fuss, you’re instantly inside, in the person’s arms.—— Too Beautiful for You ( 1989—French) 74

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M O T H E R S &

M O T H E R H O O D

When you are a mother, you are
never really alone in your thoughts.

A mother always has to think
twice, once for herself and once for
her child.——Sophia Loren

Mother is the name of God on the lips and hearts of all children.

— The Crow ( 1994)

It’s easy for a mother to love her children no matter what. It’s something that just happens. I don’t know if it’s as simple for children. You’re all so busy being angry at us for raising you wrong.

— The Bridges of Madison County ( 1995) When a woman becomes a mother, there’s just this little part of her that takes hold and it grows and grows, this monster mother part. Kind of like those little things that are in your cereal box, when you add water, that grow to 300
times their original size. Well, when a woman becomes a mother, it just rules her life, this monster mother, 300-times bigger part.

— Safe Passage ( 1994)

(After childbirth . . . ) I see everything now, like it’s this long chain stretching all the way back to the beginning of time, on up through my grandmother, and my mother. I’m finally part of something bigger than me. —— Angie ( 1994) 75

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M O T H E R S &

Man: Kids are happy when their mother is happy.

M O T H E R H O O D

Woman: No they’re not. Everyone says that but it’s not true. Kids are happy if you’re there. You give kids a choice—your mother in the next room on the verge of a suicide versus your mother in Hawaii in ecstasy—they choose suicide in the next room. Believe me.

— This Is My Life ( 1992)

You have no idea how wonderful it is to sleep with a baby beside you.

— La Dolce Vita ( 1960—Italian) M O V I E M A K I N G

A film is never really good unless the
camera is an eye in the head of a poet.

—Orson Welles

Making a film is like a stagecoach journey into the far west. At the start you hope for a beautiful trip, and shortly, you wonder if you’ll make it to your destination at all.—— Day for Night ( 1973–French) We are trying to make a movie here, not a film.—— Bowfinger ( 1999) I could eat a can of Kodak and puke a better movie.

— The Mirror Crack’d ( 1980)

Q: What is the one thing, if you put it in a movie, it will be successful?

A: Tits.

— Ed Wood ( 1994)

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M O V I E S

No form of art goes beyond ordinary
consciousness as film does, straight to
our emotions, deep into the twilight of
the soul. ——Ingrid Bergman

I would say life is pretty pointless, wouldn’t you, without the movies?

— The Funeral ( 1996)

M U S I C

Man 1: What do you love about music?

Man 2: To begin with—everything.

— Almost Famous ( 2000)

It is the power of music to carry one directly into the mental state of the composer. The listener has no choice. It is like hypnotism.

— Immortal Beloved ( 1994)

There’s a lot more to music than notes on a page. Because playing music is supposed to be fun. It’s about feelings and moving people and something beautiful and being alive and it’s not about notes on a page.

— Mr. Holland’s Opus ( 1995)

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

— Playing by Heart ( 1998)

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N NATURE

Spring is nature’s way
of saying “let’s party.”

R O B I N

W I L L I A M S

N A T U R E

Nature’s all very well in her place, but she mustn’t be allowed to make things untidy.—— Cold Comfort Farm ( 1995—British) Everything in nature is cooperation, even moonlight. Without the sun, the moon would be a dark circle. But with cooperation—moonlight.

— The Power of One ( 1992)

Dreyfus once wrote from Devil’s Island that he could see the most glorious birds. Many years later, in Brittany, he realized that they had only been seagulls. To me, they will always be glorious birds.

— Harold and Maude ( 1972)

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In nature, there’s always a balance. The world comes in pairs: yin and yang, right and wrong, man and woman. What’s pleasure without pain?

— Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life ( 2003) Nature . . . is what we are put in this world to overcome.—— The African Queen ( 1951) N E C E S S I T Y

Necessity is the mother of calamity.—— Chapter Two ( 1979) N E W

A person needs new experiences. They jar something deep inside, allowing E X P E R I E N C E
him to grow. Without change, something sleeps inside us and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.—— Dune ( 1984) Try something new each day. After all, we’re given life to find it out. It doesn’t last forever.—— Harold and Maude ( 1972) I believe in trying everything at least once, except incest and folk dancing.

— Love and Other Catastrophes ( 1996–Australian) N E W S PA P E R S

It’s the duty of a newspaper to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.—— Inherit the Wind ( 1960) Without a paper or journal of some kind, you cannot unite a community.

— Gandhi ( 1982)

N E W Y O R K

I feel about New York as a child
whose father is a bank robber . . . not
perfect but I love him. ——WoodyAllen

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N E W Y O R K

The rest of the country looks upon New York like we’re left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers. I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.—— Annie Hall ( 1977) The first symptom of the New York willies: the guilt that every out-of-towner feels if he’s not improving his mind every damn second.

— The Prince of Tides ( 1991)

This is New York, where hello means goodbye.—— Deadline at Dawn ( 1946) N O R M A L C Y

My darling girl, when are you going to understand that “normal” is not necessarily a virtue? It rather denotes a lack of courage.

— Practical Magic ( 1998)

There is no normal life. There’s just life.—— Tombstone ( 1993) N U N S

Ah, the nuns, still not extinct.—— Antonia’s Line ( 1995—Dutch/Belgian/British) 80

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O OLD AGE

Old age ain’t for sissies.

B E T T E

D A V I S

O B S C E N I T Y

We train young men to drop fire on people. But their commanders won’t allow them to write “fuck” on their airplanes because it’s obscene.

— Apocalypse Now ( 1979)

What is more obscene, sex or war?—— The People vs. Larry Flynt ( 1996) O C E A N

No matter how bad they mess things up, there’s always the ocean.

— Ruby in Paradise ( 1993)

In Ireland they have a saying: When a boat runs ashore, the sea has spoken.

— Benny & Joon ( 1993)

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O L D A G E

Old people are like machines; they keep going purely by routine.

— Sugar Cane Alley ( 1984–French) It’s a wonderful thing, as time goes by, to be with someone who looks into your face when you’ve gotten old, and still sees what you think you look like.—— The Bachelor ( 1999)

Of course I’m respectable, I’m old. Politicians, ugly buildings, and whores all get respectable if they last long enough.—— Chinatown ( 1974) You’d be surprised how different the view is on the way out than on the way in.—— With Honors ( 1994)

O L D T I M E S

Old times, there aren’t any old times. When times are gone, they’re not old, they’re dead. They’re aren’t any times but new times.

— The Magnificent Ambersons ( 1942) O P I N I O N S

Opinions are like assholes—everybody’s got one and everybody thinks everybody else’s stinks.—— Home for the Holidays ( 1995) A person has an opinion; it’s only an opinion. It’s never a question of right or wrong.—— Looking for Richard ( 1996) O P P O R T U N I T Y

Opportunities are often things you
haven’t noticed the first time around.

—Catherine Deneuve

Did you know that in Chinese, the word for “crisis” is the same as the word for “opportunity”?—— The New Age ( 1994) 82

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Every now and then say, “What the fuck!” “What the fuck!” gives you freedom

. . . freedom brings opportunity . . . opportunity makes your future.

— Risky Business ( 1983)

O P T I M I S M

I would rather be an optimist and a fool than a pessimist and right.

— I.Q. ( 1994)

I’d rather light a candle than curse your darkness.—— Raising Arizona ( 1987) 83

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P PARENTS & PARENTING

Having children is like having
a bowling alley
installed in your brain.

M A R T I N

M U L L

P A R E N T S &

All parents are the same. Really, what they want is for you (their children) to P A R E N T I N G
be just like them.—— Circle of Friends ( 1995–U.S./Irish) The one thing we cannot control in this life is who our parents are. You’re dealt a hand and you’re stuck with it.—— North ( 1994) Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad—sun, milk, red meat, college.—— Annie Hall ( 1977) Mom, Dad—you both screwed up your lives; now back off and give me a chance to screw up mine.—— Glory Daze ( 1996) 84

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You’re my parents, for God’s sake. Stop trusting me.—— Get Over It ( 2001) Having a baby is a big responsibility. It’s like being in charge of sanitation at a Haitian jail.—— Naked Gun 331⁄3: The Final Insult ( 1994) Having a kid is great, as long as his eyes are closed and he’s not moving or talking.—— Big Daddy ( 1999) What is it that makes somebody a good parent? It has to do with constancy.

It has to do with patience. It has to do with listening to them. It has to do with pretending to listen to them when you can’t even listen anymore. It has to do with love.—— Kramer vs. Kramer ( 1979) We’ll have a few special years with our children when they’re the ones that want us around. After that you’re going to be running after them for a bit of attention. It’s so fast. A few years . . . and it’s over.—— Hook ( 1991) I hope that someday you’ll know the indescribable joy of having children and paying someone else to raise them.—— Addams Family Values ( 1993) P A R I S

For a painter, the Mecca of the world for study, for inspiration, and for living is here on this star called Paris. Just look at it. No wonder so many artists have come here and called it home. Brother, if you can’t paint in Paris, you’d better give up and marry the boss’s daughter.

— An American in Paris ( 1951)

Paris isn’t for changing planes. Paris is for throwing open the windows and letting in la vie en rose.—— Sabrina ( 1954) That’s the one good thing about Paris—there’s a lot of girls willing to take their clothes off.—— Titanic ( 1997) 85

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P A S S I O N

Passion is the one good thing on earth. It gives us heroism, enthusiasm, music, poetry, art—everything.—— Madame Bovary ( 1991–French) You know the Greeks didn’t write obituaries. They only asked one question after a man died: Did he have passion?—— Serendipity ( 2001) P A S T

You can run from the disappointments you’re trying to forget, but it’s only when you embrace your past that you truly move forward.

— Now and Then ( 1995)

We might be through with the past, but the past isn’t through with us.

— Magnolia ( 1999)

If you hang onto the past you die a little each day.—— Cape Fear ( 1991) P E O P L E

As you get older the pickings get
slimmer but the people don’t.——Carrie Fisher

Man 1: People are smart.

Man 2: A “person” is smart. “People” are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals.

— Men in Black ( 1997)

The genetic difference between men and apes is only 3 percent. But that 3 percent gave us Einstein, Mozart, and Jack the Ripper.

— Mission to Mars ( 2000)

When the stars exploded billions of years ago, they formed everything that is the world. Everything we know is stardust. So don’t forget—you are stardust.

— Before Sunrise ( 1995)

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There is an endless supply of white men. There has always been a limited number of human beings.—— Little Big Man ( 1970) If there’s one thing I know, people aren’t human when there’s enough money involved.—— The Public Eye ( 1992) Q: Why do you always assume the worst about people?

A: Statistics.

— Miami Rhapsody ( 1995)

Most people never have to face the fact that at the right time, and the right place, they’re capable of anything.—— Chinatown ( 1974) Some people can read War and Peace and come away thinking it’s a simple adventure story. Others can read the ingredients on a chewing gum wrapper and unlock the secrets of the universe.—— Superman ( 1978) Man is the only animal clever enough to build the Empire State Building, and stupid enough to jump off it.—— Come September ( 1961) Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.

— Love and Death ( 1975)

P E R S E V E R A N C E I am not the smartest person or the most talented person in the world,
but I succeeded because I kept going,
and going, and going.——SylvesterStallone

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P E R S E V E R A N C E Dogs turn on a master who gives up the chase. Sound the horn or become the quarry.—— Ran ( 1985–Japanese/French) Per ardua ad astra. (“Through difficulties to the stars,” the motto of the British Royal Air Force)—— The Man Who Fell to Earth ( 1976) Two mice fell into a bowl of cream. The first mouse quickly gave up and drowned. The second mouse fought and struggled until he churned that cream into butter and he crawled his way out.—— Catch Me If You Can ( 2002) Never give up! Never surrender!—— Galaxy Quest ( 1999) P E S S I M I S M

I don’t believe in pessimism. If some-
thing doesn’t come up the way you
want, forge ahead. If you think it’s
going to rain, it will. —Clint Eastwood I like being a pessimist. It makes it easier to deal with my inevitable failure.

— The Brothers McMullen ( 1995) P O E T R Y

We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering—these are all noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love—these are what we stay alive for.—— Dead Poets Society ( 1989) When you explain poetry, it becomes banal. Better than any explanation is the experience of feelings that poetry can reveal to a nature open enough to understand it.—— The Postman ( 1994–Italian/French) 88

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P O L I C E

People are being cheated, robbed, murdered, raped. And that goes on twenty-four hours a day, every day in the year. And that’s not exceptional, that’s usual. It’s the same in every city in the modern world. But suppose we had no police, good or bad. Suppose we had just silence. Nobody to listen, nobody to answer. The battle’s finished. The jungle wins. The predatory beasts take over.—— The Asphalt Jungle ( 1950) Being a cop is like being a pitcher—to get the strikes, you’ve got to risk your balls.—— Heart Condition ( 1990) P O V E R T Y

Another good thing about being poor is
that when you are seventy, your children
will not have you declared legally insane
in order to gain control of your estate.

—Woody Allen

Poverty is the worst form of violence.—— Gandhi ( 1982) You might be poor, your shoes might be broken, but your mind—your mind is a palace.—— Angela’s Ashes ( 1999) Havin’ nothin’ don’t mean you don’t know what’s right.

— Once Upon a Time . . . When We Were Colored ( 1995) As the good book says, when a poor man eats a chicken, one of them is sick.

— Fiddler on the Roof ( 1971)

He who hesitates is poor.—— The Producers ( 1968) 89

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P O V E R T Y

I owe, therefore I am.—— Alberto Express ( 1992–Italian/French) P O W E R

Power is when we have every justification to kill, and we don’t.

— Schindler’s List ( 1993)

They realized that to be in power, you didn’t need guns or money or even numbers; you just needed the will to do what the other guy wouldn’t.

— The Usual Suspects ( 1995)

With great power comes great responsibility.—— Spider Man ( 2002) P R E J U D I C E

The less secure a man is, the more
likely he is to have extreme prejudices.

—Clint Eastwood

Prejudice is a time-saver. You can form an opinion without wasting time bothering about facts.—— St. Louis Blues ( 1958) P R E T E N S E

Daddy always says, an ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure.

— Steel Magnolias ( 1989)

P R I D E

Pride is an abomination. One must forego the self to attain spiritual creaminess and avoid the chewy chunks of degradation.

— Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls ( 1995) P R I S O N

Zoos are full. Prisons are overflowing. O my, how the world still dearly loves a cage.—— Harold and Maude ( 1972) 90

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P R O B L E M S &

The Japanese have a saying: Fix the problem, not the blame.

S O L U T I O N S

— Rising Sun ( 1993)

Like my daddy used to say, the quickest way to forget your problems is to listen to somebody else’s.—— Straight Talk ( 1992) Confucius say, “If you want a way out, go through a door.”

— Peggy Sue Got Married ( 1986) If you sleep with a question, you often get up with the answer.

— The Run of the Country ( 1995–U.S./British) Calm yourself. There’s a remedy for everything but death.

— Man of La Mancha ( 1972)

P R O G R E S S

I see a place where people get on and off the freeway, on and off, on and off, all day long. Soon [there] will be a string of gas stations, inexpensive motels, restaurants that serve rapidly prepared food, tire salons, automobile dealerships, and wonderful, wonderful billboards reaching as far as the eye cans see. My God, it’ll be beautiful!—— Who Framed Roger Rabbit? ( 1988) P R O S T I T U T I O N

Never fall in love with a woman who sells herself. It always ends bad.

— Moulin Rouge ( 2001)

When love is for the highest bidder, there can be no trust. Without trust, there can be no love.—— Moulin Rouge ( 2001) I never do it with whores. You start out with a burning desire and then you end up the next day with a burning sensation.—— Shadows and Fog ( 1992) PSYCHOLOGICAL Feeling screwed up at a screwed up time in a screwed up place does not A D V I C E
necessarily make you screwed up.—— Pump Up the Volume ( 1990) 91

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PSYCHOLOGICAL Some say that the path from inner turmoil begins with a friendly ear.

A D V I C E

— Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ( 1991) There’s nothing wrong with you that can’t be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet.—— Manhattan Murder Mystery ( 1993) 92

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R RELATIONSHIPS

( A D V I C E F R O M W O M E N )

Once a woman has forgiven
a man, she must not reheat
his sins for breakfast.

M A R L E N E

D I E T R I C H

R A C E

The thing is, you cannot judge a race. Any man who judges by the group is a R E L A T I O N S
pea-wit. You take men one at a time.—— Gettysburg ( 1993) R E A L E S T A T E

Man 1: Why would somebody sell a million-dollar house for $200,000?

Man 2: Who knows—divorce, loan sharks, drugs, sudden death—the point is, you get to capitalize on a fellow human being’s misfortune. That’s the basis of real estate.

— War of the Roses ( 1989)

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R E A L E S T A T E

When I was six years, old my father said to me, “Son, stocks may rise and fall, utilities and transportation systems may collapse. People are no damn good.

But they will always need land, and they’ll pay through the nose to get it.

Remember,” my father said, “land.”—— Superman ( 1978) You know what it takes to sell real estate? It takes brass balls to sell real estate.—— Glengarry Glen Ross ( 1992) RELATIONSHIPS

This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, my brother’s crazy; he thinks he’s a chicken.” And the doctor says, “Well, why don’t you turn him in?” And the guy says, “I would, but I need the eggs.”

Well, I guess that’s pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they’re irrational and crazy and absurd, but I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs.

— Annie Hall ( 1977)

When you’re in a relationship it means you are obligated to give a shit.

— Confessions of a Dangerous Mind ( 2002) Time alone does not determine intimacy. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days can be more than enough for others.—— Sense and Sensibility ( 1995) Meaningful relationships between men and women don’t last. That was proven by science. You see, there’s a chemical in our bodies that makes it so that we all get on each other’s nerves sooner or later. —— Sleeper ( 1973) There is someone for everyone, even if you need a pickax, a compass, and night goggles to find them.—— L.A. Story ( 1991) A relationship is a fine place to sleep but you wouldn’t want to live there.

— The Opposite Sex (And How to Live with Them) ( 1993) 94

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You’re not perfect . . . and this girl you met isn’t either. The question is whether or not you are perfect for each other.—— Good Will Hunting ( 1997) It does seem that people can only be happy in pairs, all sorts of pairs.

— Enchanted April ( 1991–British) Young lovers seek perfection. Old lovers learn the art of sewing shreds together and of seeing beauty in a multiplicity of patches.

— How to Make an American Quilt ( 1996) A love affair is like a football game: there has to be a halftime, you rest, look at each other, and then start over.—— Too Beautiful for You ( 1989–French) Woman 1: What is a proper relationship?

Woman 2: Living with someone who talks to you after they bonked you.

— Naked ( 1993–British)

When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

— When Harry Met Sally ( 1989)

I would never want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.

That’s the key joke of my adult life in terms of my relationships with women.—— Annie Hall ( 1977)

I have this theory that you should be with another person who’s just good looking enough to turn you on. Any excess brings problems.

— Defending Your Life ( 1991)

Just remember that every relationship starts with a one-night stand.

— The Sure Thing ( 1985)

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RELATIONSHIPS

Many a man has fallen in love with

( A D V I C E

F R O M M E N )

a girl in a light so dim he would not
have chosen a suit by it. ——Maurice Chevalier Don’t go mistaking paradise for a pair of long legs.

— Some Kind of Wonderful ( 1987) If you’re with a woman and she doesn’t get it—she doesn’t get what you’re about, what’s in your guts—move on.—— Forget Paris ( 1995) The key to a woman’s heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time.

— Finding Forrester ( 2000)

A woman is like a slingshot: the greater the resistance, the further you can get with them.—— Leap of Faith ( 1992) When a girl tells you how many people she’s slept with, multiply it by three and that’s the real number.—— American Pie 2 ( 2001) All dames are alike: they reach down your throat so they can grab your heart; they pull it out and they throw it on the floor; they step on it with their high heels; they spit on it, shove it in the oven, and they cook the shit out of it; then they slice it into little pieces, slam it on a hunk of toast, and they serve it to you. They expect you to say, “Thanks honey, it’s delicious.”

— Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid ( 1982) There’s only two ways to handle women, and nobody knows what they are.

— Valley of the Sun ( 1942)

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RELATIONSHIPS

Men are like buses: if you miss one, you can be sure there’ll be another one ( A D V I C E F R O M
soon.—— My American Cousin ( 1985) W O M E N )

Being with younger men is like eating in a fast-food restaurant. The service is fast but the food is not so good. Older men are like a gourmet restaurant.

Well, the service may be a little slow.—— Unfaithfully Yours ( 1984) We women are so much more sensible. When we tire of ourselves, we change the way we do our hair, or hire a new cook, or decorate the house. I suppose a man could do over his office, but he never thinks of anything so simple.

No, a man has only one escape from his old self—to see a different self in the mirror of some woman’s eyes.—— The Women ( 1939) Sacrifice is dated, mother. You don’t reform a man. He only drags you down.

— The Group ( 1966)

Daughter: Why can’t I have a normal boyfriend? Just a regular boyfriend.

One that doesn’t go nuts on me.

Mother: Everybody wants that, dear. It doesn’t exist.

— As Good As It Gets ( 1997)

The truth is, I bore him, and if you bore somebody, it’s almost impossible to unbore him.—— Enchanted April ( 1991–British) This is a fact: If you see a woman interested in someone you’re interested in, it makes you want him more than ever.

— The Man Who Loved Women ( 1977–French) Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex.—— Clueless ( 1995) Why do women insist on loving men for what they want them to be instead of what they are?—— The Sea of Grass ( 1947) 97

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RELATIONSHIPS

Verbal ability is a highly overrated thing in a guy, and it’s our pathetic need ( A D V I C E F R O M
for it that gets us into trouble.—— Sleepless in Seattle ( 1993) W O M E N )

Look, if he forgets to call one day, no big deal; two days, it’s an oversight; honey, he hasn’t called you in three days—he’s sleeping with somebody else.

— About Last Night . . . ( 1986) I won’t let myself fall in love with a man who won’t trust me, no matter what I do.—— Gentlemen Prefer Blondes ( 1953) There’s nothing more irresistible to a man than a woman who’s in love with him.—— The Sound of Music ( 1965) Anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good.

— Clueless ( 1995)

A man in the house is worth two in the streets.—— Belle of the Nineties ( 1934) Darling, I’ll wait for you as long as you want—if it’s not too long.

— Dangerous Liaisons ( 1959–French) Never date a guy who knows more about your vagina than you do.

— City of Angels ( 1998)

RELATIONSHIPS

You know what’s the worst thing about somebody breaking up with you?

( E N D I N G )

It’s when you remember how little you thought of other people you broke up with, then you realize that’s how little they’re thinking of you.

— Before Sunrise ( 1995)

A relationship, I think, is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we have on our hands is a dead shark.

— Annie Hall ( 1977)

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There are two dilemmas that rattle the human skull: How do you hold on to someone who won’t stay? And how do you get rid of someone who won’t go?—— War of the Roses ( 1989) There are few things sadder in this life than watching someone walk away after they’ve left you . . . watching the distance between your bodies expand until there’s nothing . . . but empty space.—— Someone Like You ( 2001) You never know the last time you sleep with somebody, it’s the last time.

You’re thinking, Oh, we’ve got problems, we’ve got work to do, but you never think—and then you break up. And a month later you look back and you go, Oh, that was it, that Tuesday or Friday or whatever. And you wish you’d paid attention.—— Boys on the Side ( 1995) Old flames are like old tax returns: you put ’em in the file cabinet for three years and then you cut ’em loose.—— The Family Man ( 2000) No man dies of love but on the stage.—— Mansfield Park ( 1999–British) RELATIONSHIPS

Some feel that to court a woman in one’s employ is nothing more than a ser-

( W O R K )

pentine effort to transform a lady into a whore.—— Kate and Leopold ( 2001) R E V E N G E

An eye for an eye only ends up making the world blind.

— Gandhi ( 1982–British/Indian) R I C H & P O O R

We worked so hard to create a society that was equal, where there’d be nothing to envy your neighbor. But there is always something to envy: a smile, a friendship, something you don’t have and want to appropriate. In this world, there will always be rich and poor: rich in gifts, poor in gifts; rich in love, poor in love.—— Enemy at the Gates ( 2001) R I G H T &

There’s no right, there’s no wrong; there’s only popular opinion.

W R O N G

— Twelve Monkeys ( 1995)

99

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R I G H T &

Wrong or right, they have the might; so wrong or right, they’re always W R O N G
right—and that’s wrong.—— Camelot ( 1967) There is no right or wrong. There’s only fun and boring.—— Hackers ( 1995) R I S K

If you risk nothing, then you risk
everything.——Geena Davis

Without risk there is no heroism; there is no history.—— Nixon ( 1995) It’s all right to take a chance, as long as you’re the only one who’ll pay.

— Out of Africa ( 1985)

R O Y A L T Y

Royalty loves an occasional roll in the gutter.—— Marie Antoinette ( 1938) Nobility is not a birthright. It’s defined by one’s actions.

— Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves ( 1991) What is a throne but a plank covered with velvet.

— Aguirre: The Wrath of God ( 1972–German) Behavior, which could be looked on as insanity in a tradesman, is looked on as mild eccentricity in a lord.—— The Ruling Class ( 1972) R U L E S

I got three rules: one, shit happens; two, shit happens on a regular basis; and three, you’d better get used to rule one and two.—— Monolith ( 1993) Woman 1: I don’t make the rules.

Woman 2: Sure you do, we all do.

— Adam’s Rib ( 1949)

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I wouldn’t give you two cents for all your fancy rules if behind them they didn’t have a little bit of plain ordinary kindness and a little looking out for the other fellow, too.—— Mr. Smith Goes to Washington ( 1939) The older you get the more rules they are going to try to get you to follow.

— Dazed and Confused ( 1993)

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S SEX

Sex is the most fun you
can have without smiling.

M A D O N N A

S A R C A S M

Sarcasm is anger’s ugly cousin.—— Anger Management ( 2003) S C H O O L

You’re trying to run the school like a factory for turning out moneymaking, machine-made snobs. Modern methods, intensive training—poppycock!

Give a boy a sense of humor and a sense of proportion, and he’ll stand up to anything.—— Goodbye, Mr. Chips ( 1939) How could I possibly be expected to handle school on a day like this?

— Ferris Bueller’s Day Off ( 1986) 102

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S C I E N C E &

When you compare all of science in the world against nature, science is just S C I E N T I S T S
primitive and childlike, but it’s the most precious thing we have.

— Young Einstein ( 1988–Australian) Science is all right, but you can’t dance to it.—— Anything for Love ( 1974–British) Scientists have always been pawns of the military.

— Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan ( 1982) S E L F -

A W A R E N E S S

I was raised to sense what someone
wanted me to be and be that kind of
person. It took a long time not to judge
myself through someone else’s eyes.——Sally Field We all keep a little bit of ourselves hidden because if we didn’t, then we’d have to look at who we are—who we really are—and if we didn’t like it, we’d have nobody to blame but ourselves.—— Trial and Error ( 1997) Some people hear their own inner voices with great clearness and they live by what they hear. Such people become crazy or they become legend.

— Legends of the Fall ( 1994)

I give myself very good advice but I very seldom follow it.

— Alice in Wonderland ( 1951)

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S E L F - D E N I A L

He neither drank, smoked, nor rode a bicycle.

Living frugally, saving his money, he died
early, surrounded by greedy relatives. It was a great lesson to me.——John Barrymore

To deny your own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human.

— The Matrix ( 1999)

I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, and I don’t swear. Oh shit! I do smoke and drink! —— The Long Kiss Goodnight ( 1996) S E L F I S H N E S S

Selfishness must always be forgiven because there’s no hope of a cure.

— Mansfield Park ( 1999–British) S E L L I N G

Just remember, a frantic salesman is a dead one.—— Bonfire of the Vanities ( 1990) Because only one thing counts in this life—get them to sign on the line which is dotted.—— Glengarry Glen Ross ( 1992) S E X

For me, sex is like pizza—even if it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.

— Threesome ( 1994)

Women need a reason to have sex; men just need a place.

— City Slickers ( 1991)

Sex can be very stressful for men. You judge us on technique, sensitivity . . .

stamina. We’re just happy if you’re naked . . . half-naked . . . one breast.

— Coupling ( 2000)

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If there’s one thing I can’t stand about sleeping with women, it’s all the fucking mind-reading.—— Bound ( 1996) Making love is like hitting a baseball; you’ve got to relax and concentrate.

— Bull Durham ( 1988)

Woman: Sex without love is an empty experience.

Man: Yes, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.

— Love and Death ( 1975)

When it comes to bed, there’s no difference between a poet, a priest, or a communist.—— The Postman ( 1994–Italian/French) Sex changes everything. I’ve had relationships before, where I know a guy and then have sex with him, and then I bump into him someplace and he acts like I owe him money.—— Tootsie ( 1982) For me, love has to go very deep; sex only has to go a few inches.

— Bullets Over Broadway ( 1994) Two’s company, and three’s an adult movie. —— Brain Donors ( 1992) Woman: She likes you.

Man 1: What do you mean?

Man 2: What she means is that the pheromones that you’re unconsciously releasing into the atmosphere have the physiological effect of increasing the statistical probability of her taking part in some sort of mounting behavior.

— Fierce Creatures ( 1997)

Making sex is like a Chinese dinner—it ain’t over ’til you both get your cookies.—— Outside Providence ( 1999) 105

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S E X

You know how a woman gets a man excited? She shows up. That’s it.

We’re guys—we’re easy.—— Six Days, Seven Nights ( 1998) Housework is like bad sex. Every time I do it, I swear I will never do it again . . . until the next time company comes.—— Can’t Stop the Music ( 1980) When you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise whether you do or not.—— Vanilla Sky ( 2001)

When a man’s part goes hard, his brain goes soft. That’s when they’ll say or do anything to possess you. That’s when you feel the power.

— Moll Flanders ( 1996)

Sex is better than talk. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

— Hollywood Ending ( 2002)

Sex alleviates tension, and love causes it.—— A Midsummer’s Night Dream ( 1982) Sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship.— Reality Bites ( 1994) I do think in lovemaking; some perversity is no bad thing.

— Jefferson in Paris ( 1995)

That you can lose yourself . . . everything . . . all boundaries . . . all time.

That two bodies can become so mixed up that you don’t know who’s who or what’s what. And just when the sweet confusion is so intense you think you’re gonna die—you kind of do—leaving you alone in your separate body.

But the one you love is still there. That’s a miracle. You can go to heaven and come back alive. You can go back any time you want with the one you love.—— Bicentennial Man ( 1999) An artist may paint a thousand canvases before achieving one work of art.

Would you deny a lover the same practice?—— Adventures of Don Juan ( 1948) 106

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The only people who make love all the time are liars. —— Gigi ( 1958) S H O W

This is not a business, this is show business. Punching below the belt is not B U S I N E S S
only all right, it’s rewarded.—— Swimming with Sharks ( 1994) Show business is dog-eat-dog; it’s worse than dog-eat-dog—it’s dog-doesn’t-return-other-dog’s-phone-calls.—— Crimes and Misdemeanors ( 1989) We’re in show biz. It’s all about razzle-dazzle, appearances. If you look good and you talk well, people will swallow anything.—— Ed Wood ( 1994) You don’t meet many gentlemen in the entertainment business.

— Slaughterhouse-Five ( 1972)

T H E S I N G L E ’ S

Welcome to the single scene . . . it’s not that bad, really; you just have to S C E N E
think of men like houses and trade upward.—— Peggy Sue Got Married ( 1986) ( A W O M A N ’ S

P E R S P E C T I V E )

I sort of like this dating thing. I’m sort of getting the thing here. What you do is, you sit back and watch as these strange men try to impress you in weird and stupid ways, and then you just pick the least disgusting one.

— If Lucy Fell ( 1996)

We spend hours making ourselves look completely different, and then we go into some dark place where we really can’t see each other anyway, and then we drink so we don’t know if the other person is really interesting or just seems interesting because they’re pretending to be interested in the person we’re pretending to be.—— Mystery Date ( 1991) Do you know how hard it is to find a decent man in this town? Most of them think monogamy is some kind of wood.—— The Mask ( 1994) 107

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T H E S I N G L E ’ S

The right man for you might be out there right now, and if you don’t grab S C E N E
him someone else will, and you’ll have to spend the rest of your life knowing ( A W O M A N ’ S
someone else is married to your husband.—— When Harry Met Sally ( 1989) P E R S P E C T I V E )

This is a competitive world. A woman who sits waiting by the phone, sits waiting by the phone.—— Chapter Two ( 1979) T H E S I N G L E ’ S

A confirmed bachelor is a guy who

S C E N E

( A M A N ’ S
believes in wine, women, and so long.

P E R S P E C T I V E )

—John Travolta

The whole life-as-a-single-guy thing: you meet someone, you have a safe lunch, you decide you like each other enough to move on to dinner, you go dancing, you go back to her place, you have sex, and the minute you’re finished, you know what goes through your mind? How long do I have to lie here and hold her before I can get up and go home? Is 30 seconds enough?

— When Harry Met Sally ( 1989)

S M A L L N E S S

Sometimes it’s a hard world for little things.—— Raising Arizona ( 1987) Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.

— Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring ( 2001) Sometimes when a little guy doesn’t know he’s a little guy, he can do great big things.—— Seabiscuit ( 2003)

S M I L I N G

Smile, it enhances your face value.—— Steel Magnolias ( 1989) S O L D I E R S

Ain’t nothin’ the matter with a soldier that ain’t the matter with everyone else.—— From Here to Eternity ( 1953) 108

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The fact of the matter is that war changes men’s natures. The barbarities of war are seldom committed by abnormal men. The tragedy of war is that these horrors are committed by normal men in abnormal situations, situations in which the ebb and flow of everyday life have departed and have been replaced by a constant round of fear and anger, blood and death. Soldiers at war are not to be judged by civilian rules.

— Breaker Morant ( 1980–Australian) To be a good soldier, you must love the army. To be a good commander, you must be able to order the death of the thing you love.—— Gettysburg ( 1993) We live in a democracy, and in a democracy, it’s every man’s right to be killed fighting for his country.—— Which Way to the Front? ( 1970) The soldier’s greatest comfort is to have his friends close at hand. In the heat of battle it ceases to be an idea or a flag for which we fight. Rather we fight for the man on our right or left. When the years fall away, all that remains are the memories of those precious moments we spent side by side.

— The Four Feathers ( 2002)

There is only one sacrifice nobler than sacrificing one’s self for their country—
that is, marrying a man who does.—— The Four Feathers ( 2002) One man defending his home is more powerful than ten hired soldiers.

— Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves ( 1991) You think it’s beautiful to die for your country. The first bombardment taught us better. When it comes to dying for your country, it’s better not to die at all.—— All Quiet on the Western Front ( 1930) 109

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S O L D I E R S

Gentlemen may talk of the age of chivalry but remember the plowmen, poachers, and pickpockets. It is with these sad instruments that your great warriors and kings have been doing their murderous work in the world.

— Barry Lyndon ( 1975)

If you can’t get them to salute when they should salute, and wear the clothes you tell them to wear, how are you going to get them to die for their country?—— Patton ( 1970) S P A C E

From now on we live in a world where man has walked on the moon.

E X P L O R AT I O N

It’s not a miracle—we just decided to go.—— Apollo 13 ( 1995) I have never met a kid who didn’t dream of being an astronaut when he grew up.—— Space Cowboys (2000)

Q: Do you think there’s people on other planets?

A: I don’t know, but I guess I’d say that if it is just us—seems like an awful waste of space.

— Contact ( 1997)

S T R E N G T H

Strength does not come from winning.

Your struggles develop your strengths.

When you go through hardships and
decide not to surrender, that is
strength. ——Arnold Schwarzenegger

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You know what they say, that which does not kill us makes us stronger.

— Steel Magnolias ( 1989)

S U F F E R I N G

True suffering is when you are unable to love.

— The Fable of the Beautiful Pigeon Fancier ( 1988–Spanish) This can’t last, this misery can’t last. I must remember that and try to control myself. Nothing lasts really, neither happiness nor despair. Not even life lasts very long.—— Brief Encounter ( 1941) Man is born crying. When he cries enough, he dies.

— Ran ( 1985–Japanese/French)

S W E A R I N G

I don’t swear just for the hell of it. Language is a poor enough means of com-munication. I think we should use all the words we got. Besides, there are damn few words that anybody understands.—— Inherit the Wind ( 1960) A man curses because he doesn’t have the words to say what’s on his mind.

— Malcolm X ( 1992)

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T TIME

Time sneaks up on you like
a windshield on a bug.

J O H N

L I T H G O W

T A L K I N G

Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven’t got a brain?

Scarecrow: I don’t know, but some people without brains do an awful lot of talking.

— The Wizard of Oz ( 1939)

I distrust a closed-mouth man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk and says the wrong things. Talking is something you can’t do judiciously unless you keep in practice.—— The Maltese Falcon ( 1941) You seem as if you like to talk. I like to let people talk who like to talk. It makes it easier to find out how full of shit they are.—— Rush Hour ( 1998) 112

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Discussion keeps a house alive.—— Howards End ( 1992–British) I really have nothing to say, but I want to say it just the same.

— 81⁄2 ( 1963–Italian)

Do not speak unless you can improve the silence. —— Ever After ( 1998) You can’t put your foot in your mouth if you keep it closed.

— The Wedding Banquet ( 1993–U.S./Taiwanese) Conversation, like certain portions of the anatomy, always runs more smoothly when lubricated.—— Quills ( 2000) T A N G O

No mistakes in the tango . . . not like life, it’s simple. That’s what makes the tango so great. If you make a mistake and get all tangled up, you just tango on.—— Scent of a Woman ( 1992) T E A C H I N G

However much we stumble, it is a teacher’s burden always to hope that with learning, a boy’s character might be changed, and so the destiny of a man.

— The Emperor’s Club ( 2002)

A teacher has two jobs: fill young minds with knowledge, yes—but more important, give those minds a compass so that that knowledge doesn’t go to waste.—— Mr. Holland’s Opus ( 1995) No such thing, “bad student,” only “bad teacher.”—— The Karate Kid ( 1984) There is a saying, a very old saying: When the pupil is ready, the master will appear.—— The Mask of Zorro ( 1998) Those who can’t do, teach. And those who can’t teach, teach gym.

— Annie Hall ( 1977)

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T E A M S P O R T S

A team isn’t a bunch of kids out to win. A team is something you belong to.

Something you feel. Something you have to earn.—— The Mighty Ducks ( 1992) T E C H N O L O G Y

It’s become appallingly clear that our technology has surpassed our humanity

— Powder ( 1995)

No bucks—no Buck Rogers. Whoever gets the funding gets the technology.

Whoever gets the technology stays on top.—— The Right Stuff ( 1983) T E E N A G E R S

Teenagers, by definition, are not fit for society.—— The Prince of Tides ( 1991) Being a teenager sucks, but that’s the whole point. Surviving is the whole point.—— Pump Up the Volume ( 1990) T E L E V I S I O N

A lot of people’s lives get in the way of their TV viewing.

— Longtime Companion ( 1989)

Television is not the truth. Television is a goddamned amusement park.

— Network ( 1976)

We’ve all been raised by television to believe that, one day, we’d all be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars. But we won’t, and we’re slowly learning that fact, and we’re very, very pissed off. —— Fight Club ( 1999) You aren’t really anybody in America if you’re not on TV, because what’s the point if nobody’s watching?—— To Die For ( 1995) T E M P E R

Temper’s the one thing you can’t get rid of by losing it.

— Anger Management ( 2003)

T E M P T A T I O N

The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.

— The Picture of Dorian Gray ( 1945) 114

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I’m the kind of girl who can resist anything but temptation.

— Crazy in Alabama ( 1999)

T H E A T E R

In this rat race, everybody’s guilty til they’re proved innocent—one of the differences between the theater and civilization. —— All About Eve ( 1950) T H E R A P Y

You know what Freud said: If you don’t pay for it, you don’t get better.

— Love at First Bite ( 1979)

The goal of therapy is to find out who you really are—and change that.

— Getting Away with Murder ( 1996) T I M E

Zeit ist kunst. (Time is art.) —— Faraway, So Close ( 1993–German) Time, time—what is time? Swiss manufacture it, French horde it, Italians want it, Americans say it is money, Hindus say it doesn’t exist. Do you know what I say? I say time is a crook.—— Beat the Devil ( 1954) Time, it’s not a thief. It’s an embezzler staying up nights, and juggling the books so you don’t notice anything missing when you wake up.

— Who Is Harry Kellerman and Why Is He Saying Those Terrible Things About Me?

( 1971)

Someone once told me that time is a predator that stalked us all our lives. I’d rather believe that time is a companion who goes with us on the journey and reminds us to cherish every moment because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we lived.

— Star Trek: Generations ( 1994) The proverb is wrong—time does not heal all wounds. It merely softens the pain and blurs the memories.—— Antonia’s Line ( 1995–Dutch/Belgian/British) Pleasure and action make the hours seem short. —— Othello ( 1995) 115

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T I M E

This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time.—— Fight Club ( 1999) T O A S T S

May those who love us, love us. And those who don’t love us, may God turn their hearts. And if He cannot turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles so that we may know them by their limping.—— Keeping the Faith ( 2000) May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live.

— Dragnet ( 1987)

A toast, to the glorious mysteries of life, to all that binds a family as one, to mirth, to merriment, to manslaughter, to dear friends, to new friends, to youth, to passion, to paradise, to pain, tonight!—— Addams Family Values ( 1993) T O L E R A N C E

O God, how we need it in the world –
tolerance of other people, religions, aims,
points of view – just to be able to sit still and hear what the person is saying.

—Jessica Tandy

There is no land of tolerance. There is no peace. Not here, or anywhere else.

— X-Men ( 2000)

T O M O R R O W

Tomorrow hopes we have learned
something from yesterday.——John Wayne

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Woman: No, please, not tonight, maybe tomorrow.

Man: O my dear little librarian, you pile up enough tomorrows and you’ll find yourself with nothing but a lot of empty yesterdays. I don’t know about you, but I’d like to make today worth remembering.

— The Music Man ( 1962)

Well what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn’t one today.

— Groundhog Day ( 1993)

Tomorrow is promised to no one.—— Absolute Power ( 1997) T R A D I T I O N

Because of our traditions, every one of us knows who he is and what God expects him to do. Without our traditions, our lives would be as shaky as a fiddler on the roof.—— Fiddler on the Roof ( 1971) Tradition is the illusion of permanence.—— Deconstructing Harry ( 1997) T R U E L O V E

The luckiest man in the world is he who finds true love.

— Bram Stoker’s Dracula ( 1992) Death cannot stop true love. What it can do is delay it for awhile.

— The Princess Bride ( 1987)

True love is like the Loch Ness monster; everyone has heard of it, but no one’s ever seen it.—— Mannequin 2—On the Move ( 1991) T R U S T

Trust in Allah but tie up your camel.—— The Golden Voyage of Sinbad ( 1974) Trust everyone—just don’t trust the devil inside them. —— The Italian Job ( 2003) When you love someone, you’ve got to trust them. There’s no other way.

You’ve got to give them the key to everything that’s yours. Otherwise, what’s the point?—— Casino ( 1995)

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T R U S T

Never trust a silver palate.—— Muppet Treasure Island ( 1996) T R U T H

I never know how much of what I
say is true.——BetteMidler

All people know the same truth; our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.—— Deconstructing Harry ( 1997) Some things are true whether you believe in them or not.

— City of Angels ( 1998)

T R Y I N G

Try not. Do or do not. There is no try.

— The Empire Strikes Back ( 1980) 118

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U UNCERTAINTY

I believe that uncertainty is
really my spirit’s way of
whispering, “I’m in flux. I can’t
decide for you. Something is off
balance here.”

O P R A H

W I N F R E Y

U N D E R S T A N D I N G

We mock what we don’t understand.—— Spies Like Us ( 1985) 119

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V VIRTUE

Virtue has its own
reward, but it has no sale
at the box office.

M A E

W E S T

V A N I T Y

Vanity is a formidable armor.—— Sirens ( 1994–Australian/British) V I C E

In order to know virtue, we must acquaint ourselves with vice. Only then can we know the true measure of a man.—— Quills ( 2000) The worst vice is advice.—— The Devil’s Advocate ( 1997) V O L U N T E E R

There’s nothing stronger than the heart of a volunteer.—— Pearl Harbor ( 2001) Happy men don’t volunteer. They wait their turn and thank God if their age or work delays it.—— Doctor Zhivago (1965) 120

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W WOMEN

Taking joy in living is
a woman’s best cosmetic.

R O S A L I N D

R U S S E L L

W A R

Next to a battle lost, the saddest thing is a battle won.—— Waterloo ( 1970) War isn’t parades—it’s the smell of burning flesh.

— Elvira Madigan ( 1967–Swedish) Why do men think they can justify death?—— The Patriot ( 2000) When bullies rise up, the rest of us have to beat them back down, whatever the cost. That’s a simple idea, I suppose, but one that’s worth giving everything for.—— The Majestic ( 2001) 121

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W A R

It is well to dream of glorious war in a snug armchair at home. But it is a very different thing to see it first hand.—— Barry Lyndon ( 1975) No matter how much people think they understand war, war will never understand people. It’s like a big machine that don’t nobody really know how to work. Once it gets out of hand, it winds up wreckin’ all the things you thought you was fightin’ for, and a whole bunch of other good things you sort of forgot you had.—— The War ( 1994) There ain’t no fair way to fight a war.—— The Alamo ( 1960) Now, I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor, dumb bastard die for his country.—— Patton ( 1970) Every man who wages war believes God is on his side. I’ll wager God should often wonder who is on his.—— Cromwell ( 1970–British) Lincoln said, “With malice toward none, with charity to all.” Nowadays they say, “Think the way I do or I’ll bomb the daylights out of you.”

— You Can’t Take It with You ( 1938) In the nuclear world, the true enemy is war itself. —— Crimson Tide ( 1995) It is well that war is so terrible, else we should grow too fond of it.

— Gods and Generals ( 2003)

Wouldn’t it be great if wars could be fought by the same assholes who started them?—— The Postman ( 1997) 122

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W E A L T H &

There’s a certain luxury in having no

T H E W E A LT H Y
money. I spent ten years in New York
not having it. Suddenly, you have it,
then you worry, where is it going?

Am I doing the right thing with it?

—Dustin Hoffman

With the rich and mighty, always a little patience.

— The Philadelphia Story ( 1940) I’ll tell you two things about me: I’m very rich and I’m very wealthy.

— Black Widow ( 1987)

The rich, you know why they’re so odd? Because they can afford to be.

— Batman ( 1989)

Great money does not a great human make.—— Moll Flanders ( 1996) He was one of those born clever enough at gaining a fortune, but incapable of keeping one; for the qualities and energies which lead a man to achieve the first, are often the very cause of his ruin in the latter case.

— Barry Lyndon ( 1975)

You’ve heard of the golden rule: He who has the gold, makes the rules.

— Aladdin ( 1992)

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W E A L T H &

Don’t you know that a man being rich is like a girl being pretty? You T H E W E A LT H Y
wouldn’t marry a girl just because she’s pretty, but my goodness, doesn’t it help?—— Gentlemen Prefer Blondes ( 1953) Amazing how you can do without the essentials of life, so long as you have the luxuries.—— Pitch Black ( 2000) I never saw a rich man who didn’t wind up with a guilty conscience.

— Tombstone ( 1993)

The penalty for being wealthy is that you have to live with the rich.

— Ever After ( 1998)

W E D D I N G S

It takes a wedding to make us say, let’s live another day.

— Fiddler on the Roof ( 1971)

Now take it easy, there’s nothing to be scared of, people do it everyday.

The bad part comes later.—— The Miracle of Morgan’s Creek ( 1944) W I N E

Wine is like people, the vine takes all the influences in life all around it, it absorbs them, and it gets its personality.—— French Kiss ( 1995) W I N N I N G

& L O S I N G

Someone’s always saying, “It’s not
whether you win or lose”– but if you
feel that way, you’re as good as dead.

—James Caan

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Q: You know what the difference is between a winner and a loser?

A: The score.

— The Replacements ( 2000)

Man 1: Who’s winning?

Man 2: Nobody. One side’s just losing slower than the other.

— Night Moves ( 1975)

Sometimes when you win, you really lose. And sometimes when you lose, you really win. And sometimes when you win or lose, you actually tie.

And sometimes when you tie, you actually win or lose. Winning and losing is all one big, organic globule from which one extracts what one needs.

— White Men Can’t Jump ( 1992)

You have to have contempt for your opponents, because if you don’t think it’s a part of winning, you’re wrong.—— Searching for Bobby Fischer ( 1993) A gold medal is a wonderful thing, but if you’re not enough without it, you’ll never be enough with it.—— Cool Runnings ( 1993) On any given Sunday, you’re gonna win or you’re gonna lose. The point is, can you win or lose like a man?—— Any Given Sunday ( 1999) The people who’ll do anything to win will do anything to keep on winning.

— Speechless ( 1994)

Everybody’s a loser one of these days; the trick is, not acting like a loser.

— Leap of Faith ( 1992)

You can get through college half-assed. You can get through life half-assed.

But I’ll guarantee you this—one thing sure as hell—you cannot win half-assed.

— Blue Chips ( 1994)

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W I N N I N G

I’ve distilled everything to one simple principal—win or die.

& L O S I N G

— Dangerous Liaisons ( 1988)

W I S D O M

May God grant us the wisdom to discover right, the will to choose it, and the strength to make it endure.—— First Knight ( 1995) W O M E N

Women; if it weren’t for them, there’d be no civilization.—— Kuffs ( 1992) Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold on to.

— Dolores Claiborne ( 1995)

A woman can do anything, get anywhere, as long as she doesn’t fall in love.

— Possessed ( 1931)

Funny business, a woman’s career—the things you drop on the way up the ladder so you can move faster, you forget you’ll need them again when you go back to being a woman.—— All About Eve ( 1950) A woman’s heart is an ocean of deep secrets. —— Titanic ( 1997) They say never trust a limping dog or the tears of a woman.—— Frida ( 2002) Women make the best psychoanalysts until they fall in love. After that they make the best patients.—— Spellbound ( 1945) The man may be the head of the house, but the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head any way she wants.—— My Big Fat Greek Wedding ( 2002) Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes.

— Bruce Almighty ( 2003)

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W O M E N

( A M A N ’ S

P E R S P E C T I V E )

On the one hand, we’ll never experi-
ence childbirth. On the other hand,
we can open all our own jars.——BruceWillis

Woman is the soul of man, the vision that lights his way. Woman is glory.

— Man of La Mancha ( 1972)

My father used to say that a man could never outdo a woman when it comes to love or revenge.—— War of the Roses ( 1989) People are afraid of solitude, especially women. They need someone to crush.

— Olivier, Olivier ( 1992–French) Talking between men and women never solved anything. When we think, they feel. They are creatures of the heart.—— A Walk in the Clouds ( 1995) My understanding of women goes only so far as the pleasures. —— Alfie ( 1966) That’s what I love about high school girls; no matter how old I get, they always stay the same age.—— Dazed and Confused ( 1993) Why is it that a woman always thinks that the most savage thing she can say to a man is to impugn his cockmanship?—— Network ( 1976) W O M E N ’ S

There’s a new thing called women’s lib and it means women get whatever L I B E R A T I O N
they want.—— The Very Brady Sequel ( 1996) 127

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W O R D S

Learn to savor words and language. No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world.—— Dead Poets Society ( 1989) The most beautiful words in the English language are not “I love you,” but

“it’s benign.”—— Deconstructing Harry ( 1997) W O R K

If you have to support yourself, you had
bloody well find some way that is going
to be interesting. ——KatharineHepburn

King Solomon had the right idea about work: “Whatever thy hand findeth to do,” Solomon said, “do thy doggonedest.”—— Life with Father ( 1947) Stop going with the easy buck and start producing something with your life.

Create, instead of living off the buying and selling of others.

— Wall Street ( 1987)

The only difference between a derelict and a man is a job.

— My Man Godfrey ( 1957)

Most of us have jobs that are too small for our spirit. Our real imaginations have not been challenged.—— Working ( 1982) Anyone can get a job. It takes a real man to make it without working.

— Barfly ( 1987)

You get a job, you become the job.—— Taxi Driver ( 1976) 128

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T H E W O R L D

The whole world is about three
drinks behind. ——Humphrey Bogart

It’s a crazy world, and any way you can skin it is your business.

— Marathon Man ( 1976)

I don’t read no papers and I don’t listen to radio either. I know the world’s been shaved by a drunken barber, and I don’t have to read it.

— Meet John Doe ( 1941)

Any world that can produce the Taj Mahal, William Shakespeare, and striped toothpaste can’t be all bad.—— One, Two, Three ( 1961) The most beautiful thing in the world is, of course, the world itself.

— Cast Away ( 2000)

If you can’t tend to your own planet, you don’t deserve to live here.

— The Arrival ( 1996)

You can’t change the world, but you can make a dent.

— Death to Smoochy ( 2002)

The earth was made round so that we would not see too far down the road.

— Out of Africa ( 1985)

There’s not some other world out there where everything’s gonna be OK.

There’s just this one, just this rock.—— The Thin Red Line ( 1998) 129

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W R I T I N G

& W R I T E R S

Every human being has hundreds of
separate people living under his skin.

The talent ofa writer is his ability to
give them separate names, identities,
personalities, and have them relate to
other characters living with him. —Mel Brooks The white bull, that’s what Hemingway called the blank page. Every day the writer has to look that bull right between the eyes, with those dreaded words still looming—deadline, deadline, deadline.—— Speechless ( 1994) You must write your first draft with your heart. You rewrite with your head.

The first key to writing is to write, not think.—— Finding Forrester ( 2000) You can’t be a proper writer without a touch of madness.—— Quills ( 2000) I once asked this literary agent what kind of writing paid the best. He said ransom notes.—— Get Shorty ( 1995) 130

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Y YOUTH

Being twenty-something is all about
taking it in – eating it, drinking it, and spitting out the seeds later. It’s about
being in it, not on top of it.

J O D I E

F O S T E R

Y O U T H

Everything is possible when seen through the eyes of youth.

— The Thief of Baghdad ( 1940)

There’s nothing wrong with going nowhere, son—it’s the privilege of youth.

— Fandango ( 1985)

She’s not so young; she’ll be twenty-seven in four years.—— L.A. Story ( 1991) 131

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Z ZOOS

When I was a kid I said to my
father one afternoon, “Daddy, will you
take me to the zoo?” He answered,

“If the zoo wants you let them
come and get you.”

J E R R Y

L E W I S

Z E N

The point is, you only go around once. So, like the Zen say—be here now.

— Mumford ( 1999)

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The End

And as this long chronicle reaches
its conclusion, nothing has come to
an end.

— Antonia’s Line ( 1995–Dutch/Belgian/British) 133

BTESID 02 06/25/04 10:51 AM Page 134

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