Drunk With Blood: God's Killings in the Bible
Author: Steve Wells
Date: 2010-07-17 07:00:00+00:00
Keywords: Spirituality; Kat; Philosophy; Religion; cookie429; Reference; Extratorrents; History
Description: You've probably heard of a few of the stories in this book. Noah's Flood, Sodom and Gomorrah, David and Goliath, maybe. But there are more than 100 others that are unknown to pretty much everyone. Did you know, for example, that God: Forced friends and family to kill each other for dancing naked around Aaron's golden calf? Burned complainers to death, forced the survivors to eat quail until it literally came out their noses, sent "fiery serpents" to bite people for complaining about the lack of food and water, and killed 14,700 for complaining about his killings? Helped Samson murder thirty me
Publisher: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform

Copyright

© 2010 by Steve Wells

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.

http://DrunkWithBlood.com

http://SkepticsAnnotatedBible.com
http://DwindlingInUnbelief.blogspot.com

Print Version:

LCCN: 2010931807

ISBN 10: 145366291X

ISBN 13: 9781453662915

Table of Contents

Introduction

How many did God kill?

Who has killed more, Satan or God?

Estimated totals: Satan and God

How many more will God kill?

A note about the title

God’s Killings in the Bible

1. The Flood of Noah: All flesh died that moved upon the earth

2. Abraham’s war to rescue Lot

3. Sodom and Gomorrah: Shall I hide from Abraham the thing that I do?

4. Remember Lot’s wife (Forget Jesus)

5. Er was wicked in the sight of the Lord (so the Lord slew him)

6. Onan spilled it on the ground (so the Lord killed him too)

7. God’s seven year, world-wide famine

8. The seventh plague of Egypt: Hail shall come down upon them and they shall die

9. The Lord smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt

10. The Lord took off their chariot wheels

11. The Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation

12. Who is on the Lord’s side: Forcing friends and family to kill each other

13. The Lord plagued the people because of the calf that Aaron made

14. God burns Aaron’s sons to death for offering “strange fire”

15. A blasphemer is stoned to death

16. When the people complained, God burned them to death

17. While the flesh was still between their teeth, the Lord smote them with a very great plague

18. Ten scouts are killed for their honest report

19. A man gathering sticks on the Sabbath day

20. The opposing party is buried alive (along with their families)

21. God burns 250 people to death for burning incense

22. God killed 14,700 for complaining about God’s killings

23. The massacre of the Aradites

24. God sent fiery serpents to bite the people for complaining about the lack of food and water

25. Phinehas' double murder: A killing to end God’s killing

26. The Midianite massacre: Have you saved all the women alive?

27. God slowly killed the Israelite army

28. God the giant killer

29. God hardens King Sihon’s heart so that all his people can be killed

30. All the men, women, and children in 60 cities

31. The Jericho massacre

32. Achan and his family are stoned and burned to death

33. The Ai massacre

34. God stops the sun so that Joshua can get his killing done in the daylight

35. Five kings are killed and hung on trees

36. Joshua utterly destroyed all that breathed as the Lord God commanded

37. The genocide of twenty kingdoms

38. The Anakim: Some more giant killing

39. The Lord delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites

40. The Jerusalem massacre

41. Five massacres, a wedding, and some God-proof iron chariots

42. The Lord delivered Chushanrishathaim

43. Ehud delivers a message from God

44. God delivers 10,000 lusty Moabites

45. Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad

46. Barak and God massacre the Canaanites

47. Jael pounds a tent stake through a sleeping man’s skull

48. Gideon's story: The Lord set every man’s sword against his fellow

49. A city is massacred and 1000 burn to death because of God’s evil spirit

50. The Ammonite massacre

51. Jephthah’s daughter

52. 42,000 killed for failing the “shibboleth” test

53. The spirit of the Lord came upon Samson and he murdered thirty men for their clothes

54. The spirit of the Lord came upon Samson and he killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass

55. Samson killed 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack

56. A holy civil war (It had something to do with rotting, concubine-body part messages)

57. The end of Judges: Two genocides and 200 stolen virgins

58. God kills Eli’s sons and 34,000 Israelite soldiers

59. God smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts

60. 50,070 killed for looking into the ark of the Lord

61. The Lord thundered great thunder upon the Philistines

62. Another Ammonite massacre (and another God-inspired, body-part message)

63. Jonathan’s very first slaughter (not counting the one before)

64. God forces the Philistines to kill each other

65. The Amalekite genocide

66. Samuel hacks Agag to death before the Lord

67. In the valley of Elah: Goliath

68. David buys a wife with 200 Philistine foreskins

69. The Lord said to David, Go and smite the Philistines

70. God killed Nabal (and David got his wife and other stuff)

71. David commits random acts of genocide (as a mercenary for the Philistines)

72. David spends the day killing Amalekites

73. God killed Saul (and his sons and soldiers) for not killing all the Amalekites

74. David killed the messenger

75. David killed Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hung their bodies over the pool

76. God helps David smite the Philistines from the front and the rear

77. God killed Uzzah for trying to keep the ark from falling

78. David killed two-thirds of the Moabite POWs and enslaved the rest

79. The Lord gave David victory wherever he went

80. David killed every male in Edom

81. Thus did David unto all the children of Ammon

82. God slowly kills a baby

83. Famine and human sacrifice: Seven sons of Saul are hung up before the Lord

84. David’s mighty men and their amazing killings

85. God killed 70,000 because David had a census that God (or Satan) told him to do

86. Solomon carried out the deathbed wish of David by having Joab and Shimei murdered

87. A tale of two prophets

88. Jeroboam’s son: God kills another child

89. Jeroboam’s family

90. Baasha’s family and friends

91. Zimri burns to death

92. The drought of Elijah

93. Elijah kills 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest

94. The first God-assisted slaughter of the Syrians

95. God killed 100,000 Syrians for calling him a god of the hills

96. God killed 27,000 Syrians by making a wall fall on them

97. God sent a lion to kill a man for not smiting a prophet

98. God killed Ahab for not killing a captured king

99. God burned 102 men to death for asking Elijah to come down from his hill

100. God killed Ahaziah (of Israel) for asking the wrong God

101. God sent two bears to rip apart 42 boys for making fun of a prophet’s bald head

102. The Lord delivered the Moabites

103. A skeptic is trampled to death

104. God’s seven year famine

105. Jehoram of Israel

106. Jezebel

107. Ahab’s sons: Seventy heads in two heaps

108. Ahab’s hometown family, friends, and priests

109. Jehu killed Ahaziah’s family

110. Jehu and his partner show their zeal for the Lord by killing the rest of Ahab’s family

111. Jehu assembles the followers of Baal and then slaughters them all

112. The priest of Baal and Queen Athaliah

113. God sent lions to eat those that didn’t fear him enough

114. An angel killed 185,000 sleeping soldiers

115. God caused King Sennacherib to be killed by his sons

116. Josiah killed all the priests of the high places

117. Just another holy war

118. God killed a half million Israelite soldiers

119. Jeroboam

120. God killed a million Ethiopians

121. Friendly Fire: God forced “a great multitude” to kill each other

122. God made Jehoram’s bowels fall out

123. God killed Jehoram’s sons

124. Ahaziah (of Judah)

125. Joash, the princes, and army of Judah

126. God destroyed Amaziah

127. God smote Ahaz with the king of Syria

128. God killed 120,000 valiant men for forsaking him

129. The fall of Jerusalem

130. God and Satan kill Job’s children and slaves

131. Hananiah

132. Ezekiel’s wife

133. Ananias and Sapphira

134. Herod Aggripa

135. Jesus

Afterword

A list of God’s killings (with biblical numbers and estimates)

List of Illustrations

About the author

Introduction

A few years ago, I started to document God’s killings at my blog, Dwindling in Unbelief. I began with Genesis and worked my way through the Bible, writing a post for each killing event and keeping a running count of the number of victims as I went along. I don’t think it’s ever been done before, which is a shame, since God is so proud of his killings.

You don’t believe me? Well, here, I’ll let him tell you directly.

I kill ... I wound ... I will make my arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. Deuteronomy 32.39-42  (NRSV)

Bible believers, on the other hand, are less proud of God’s killings. Oh, they like a few of them—Noah’s flood, David and Goliath, the walls of Jericho, Job’s daughters—those that can be made (with considerable dishonesty) into cute children’s stories. But the rest are completely ignored by, or completely unknown to, believers.

I believe that most believers would stop believing in the Bible if they knew what was in it. And this is particularly true of God’s killings. All of the stories are absurd from an historical standpoint; they could not have happened the way they are told in the Bible. But what is even more damning is their unspeakable cruelty and obvious immorality. If the killings described in this book actually happened, then the God of the Bible is not the kind of God that believers pretend him to be.

It is my hope that as God’s killings become better known, people will know better than to believe in the Bible. Such belief should be admired by no one and ridiculed by all.

In this book, I’ve tried to count all of God’s killings: those that are numbered in the Bible and those that are not; the ones that God did himself; those that he instructed others to do; and those that, while he may not have taken an active role in, met with his approval.

Of course, some killings are easier to count than others. When God burned to death 250 men for burning incense (21) in Numbers 16.35, we know how many were killed. But how many did God drown in the flood (1) or burn to death in Sodom and Gomorrah (3)? How many first-born Egyptian children did he kill (9)? There’s just no way to know for sure.

So I have two tallies: one for the killings in which numbers are given in the Bible, excluding the others; and another that uses both the Biblical numbers and estimates when numbers are absent.

But what about the killings that God apparently approved of, but didn’t take an active role in?

Take the story in 1 Samuel 18.25-28, for example, in which David buys his first wife with 200 Philistine foreskins (68). Did God approve of that killing?

Well, yes he did, if you believe the Bible, that is. God approved of everything David did, including all of his killings, with only one exception: the killing of Uriah. How do we know this? Because it says so in the Bible.

David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite. 1 Kings 15:5

Drunk with Blood includes a separate account for each of God’s 135 killings. They are listed in the order that they occur in the Bible, with a note at the top that lists the verses in which the killing occurs, along with the number killed, either the Bible’s number or an estimate, or both. In each account, I’ve made an effort to quote enough of the actual story from the Bible (using the King James Version) to make it unnecessary to refer to the Bible itself. Still, I encourage everyone to read these stories in the Bible. It is nearly impossible to believe in the Bible once you have read them.

How many did God kill?

Here’s the total, if you use only numbers that are provided in the Bible: 2,476,636

(For a complete list of God’s killings with biblical number and estimate for each killing, see the list at the end of this ebook.)

Who has killed more, Satan or God?

How many did Satan kill in the Bible?

I can only find ten, and even these he shares with God, since God allowed him to do it as a part of a bet. I’m talking about the seven sons and three daughters of Job (130).

There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job…And there were born unto him seven sons and three daughters.

And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? Then Satan answered the LORD ... put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face. And the LORD said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. So Satan went forth from the presence of the LORD.

And there was a day when his sons and his daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother’s house ... And, behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men, and they are dead; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. Job 1.1-19

So it seems that both Satan and God share the blame (or the credit) for killing Job’s children. If so, then the tally would be:

God: 2,476,636

Satan: 10

Estimated totals: Satan and God

When the Bible doesn’t say how many were killed, I try to provide a reasonable estimate.

For example, the Bible says that Job’s ten children were killed in God and Satan’s bet. The Bible also says that all of Job’s slaves were killed, though it doesn’t say how many slaves Job owned. But since he was a wealthy man (“the greatest of all the men of the east”), he must have owned many slaves. So I guessed that fifty slaves were killed, and I gave both Satan and God credit for their killings.

I made similar estimates for the other killings when a number was not provided in the Bible. I tried to give an idea of my thinking for each estimate at the end of each killing account.

When there was no clear way to get a number directly from the Bible itself, I used estimates from Colin McEvedy and Richard Jones’ Atlas of World Population History (Middlesex, England: Penguin, 1978).

Using these estimates, I came up with the following grand totals for the number killed by God and Satan in the Bible:

God: 24,634,205

Satan: 60

How many more will God kill?

What about God’s future plans? Does the Bible tell us anything about that?

Well, yes it does. But it’s hard to take any of it seriously, especially if you’re a believer.

Take the great winepress of the wrath of God, for example. You know, the one featured in the Battle Hymn of the Republic.

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord:
He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored;
He hath loosed the fateful lightning of His terrible swift sword:
His truth is marching on.

The story is told in the 14th chapter of the book of Revelation, which begins with Jesus (or “someone like unto the Son of man”) sitting on a white cloud with a gold crown on his head and a sharp sickle in his hand.

I looked, and behold a white cloud, and upon the cloud one sat like unto the Son of man, having on his head a golden crown, and in his hand a sharp sickle. Revelation 14.14

Then an angel stops by to tell Jesus that it’s time to start swinging his sickle.

Thrust in thy sickle, and reap: for the time is come for thee to reap; for the harvest of the earth is ripe. 14.15

So Jesus thrusts his sickle on the earth, while still sitting on his cloud.

He that sat on the cloud thrust in his sickle on the earth; and the earth was reaped. 14.16

Another angel came out of the temple in heaven and joined Jesus on his cloud. He also has a sharp sickle with him, and together they begin to reap the harvest on earth.

Another angel came out of the temple which is in heaven, he also having a sharp sickle. 14.17

They swing their sickles and pour the resulting blood into a huge winepress. There is so much blood that it flows out of the winepress and covers the ground up to the horses’ bridles in a space of 1600 furlongs.

The winepress was trodden without the city, and blood came out of the winepress, even unto the horse bridles, by the space of a thousand and six hundred furlongs. 14:20

And from that we can estimate how many people will be killed by Jesus and his angel sidekick.

It’s a simple calculation. A furlong is 202 meters, so 1600 furlongs is about 320 kilometers, and a horse’s bridle is 1.5 m high or so. If we take the bloodbath to be circular with a diameter of 320 kilometers, then the total volume is 1.2 x 10^14 liters. And since an adult has about 5 liters of blood, that gives us 2.4 x 10^13 (24 trillion) people.

Which could be a problem, even for God. Where will he find so many people to kill? His overflowing winepress requires the blood from nearly 4,000 times the number of people on earth.

Does this mean that Armageddon won’t occur until the human population reaches 24 trillion? Perhaps.

Or maybe God will just create more people when the time comes just to kill them.

Or it could just be hyperbole. God doesn’t really plan on killing trillions of people; he’s just trying to scare the hell out of everyone.

I’ll leave it for the believers to figure out.

But there are many other verses that say similar (batshit crazy) things in the Bible, and they’re not all in Revelation either.

God will kill so many people that the land will be soaked, the rivers flooded, and the mountains melted in blood. The ground will be covered with dead bodies, which will stink to high heaven. The whole earth will be destroyed. So I guess that means that everybody on earth will be killed by God.

Here are the verses:

Their slain also shall be cast out, and their stink shall come up out of their carcases, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood. Isaiah 34.3

The unicorns shall come down with them … and their land shall be soaked with blood. Isaiah 34.7

The slain of the LORD shall be at that day from one end of the earth even unto the other end of the earth: they shall not be lamented, neither gathered, nor buried; they shall be dung upon the ground. Jeremiah 25.33

I will also water with thy blood the land … even to the mountains; and the rivers shall be full of thee. Ezekiel 32.6

I will fill his mountains with his slain men: in thy hills, and in thy valleys, and in all thy rivers, shall they fall that are slain with the sword. Ezekiel 35.8

Saith the Lord GOD: there shall be many dead bodies in every place. Amos 8.3

I will slay the last of them with the sword. Amos 9.1

I command the sword, and it shall slay them: and I will set mine eyes upon them for evil, and not for good. Amos 9.4

There is a multitude of slain, and a great number of carcases; and there is none end of their corpses; they stumble upon their corpses. Nahum 3.3

I will utterly consume all things from off the land, saith the LORD. Zephaniah 1.2

I will bring distress upon men … their blood shall be poured out as dust, and their flesh as the dung. Zephaniah 1.17

The earth shall be devoured with the fire of my jealousy. Zephaniah 3.8

I will kill her children with death. Revelation 2.23

The third part of the sea became blood. Revelation 8.8

They … shall see their dead bodies three days and an half, and shall not suffer their dead bodies to be put in graves. Revelation 11.9

Still, I suspect that in many of these verses God is exaggerating. Sure, he’s planning to kill lots of people, but not everyone. The land won’t be entirely covered with dead bodies and the mountaintops won’t drown in blood. So I’m not going to estimate the number that God plans to kill from these verses. I’ll wait until God sobers up a bit to do my counting.

So we’re back where we started. How many does God plan to kill in the “end times” that believers hope and pray will come soon?

Well, the Bible tells us how many will be saved, which implies, I guess, that everyone else will be killed.

I heard the number of them which were sealed: and there were sealed an hundred and forty and four thousand of all the tribes of the children of Israel. Revelation 7.4

…the hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from the earth. These are they which were not defiled with women; for they are virgins. Revelation 14.3-4

So if the “end times” happened today, only 144,000 Jewish male virgins would survive. The rest of the 6.8 billion would be killed by God (and then be tormented forever in hell).

Most believers don’t believe this of course. (The Jehovah’s Witnesses are a notable exception.) They say the 144,000 Jewish male virgins is symbolic of something. They just don’t know what the something is.

Are you ready to give up yet? I’m not.

There’s one other way to get an estimate, but I must warn you. It, too, is from Revelation.

Here are the verses:

I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth. Revelation 6.8

And the four angels were loosed, which were prepared for an hour, and a day, and a month, and a year, for to slay the third part of men. And the number of the army of the horsemen were two hundred thousand thousand ... By these three was the third part of men killed, by the fire, and by the smoke, and by the brimstone, which issued out of their mouths. Revelation 9.15-18

OK, let’s count them up. 1/4 will be killed by Death and Hell (per Rev 6.8). That leaves 3/4 alive, 1/3 of which will be burned to death by the 200 million fire and brimstone breathing horsemen of Rev 9.15-18. Since 1/3 of 3/4 is 1/4, half the human population will be killed in these two slaughters.

Assuming that the rapture (or whatever) is soon (and it’s always coming soon), and that the earth’s population will be about what it is today, 6.8 billion, then God will soon kill 3,400,000,000.

So what is our final answer?

Well, we have a lower and upper bound. God will kill at least 3.4 billion and perhaps as many as 24 trillion (if he’s going to get his bloody winepress overfilled to the Bible’s specifications).

So let’s call it 3.4 billion.

Oh, and what about Satan?

He has no plans for killing any more people (at least none that are recorded in the Bible or that he has told me about).

God 3,400,000,000

Satan 0

A note about the title

You might think the title of the book is a bit unfair. A single verse that uses the phrase “drunk with blood” is hardly enough to go on, especially if context is taken into account. But the phrase (or variants of it) is used five times in the Bible, and context doesn’t help at all.

1. God first uses it to describe himself: his arrows are drunk with blood.

I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. Deuteronomy 32.42

Now I know that God doesn’t mean this literally. God’s arrows don’t have mouths; they don’t drink blood and they’ve never been drunk on anything. His sword doesn’t eat flesh either. God is being metaphorical here.

Still, God is trying to make a point. He’s saying that he kills people. Lots and lots of people. And that is what this book is about.

2. God’s sword is also drunk with blood, just like his arrows.

This is the day of the Lord GOD of hosts, a day of vengeance, that he may avenge him of his adversaries: and the sword shall devour, and it shall be satiate and made drunk with their blood. Jeremiah 46.10

And God’s sword is not only drunk with blood; it’s filled with blood and is bathed in blood in heaven.

My sword shall be bathed in heaven. Isaiah 34.5

The sword of the LORD is filled with blood. Isaiah 34.6

By his sword will the LORD plead with all flesh: and the slain of the LORD shall be many. Isaiah 66.16

The sword of the LORD shall devour from the one end of the land even to the other end of the land: no flesh shall have peace. Jeremiah 12.12

I … will draw forth my sword out of his sheath, and will cut off from thee the righteous and the wicked. Ezekiel 21.3

My sword go forth out of his sheath against all flesh. Ezekiel 21.4

I will bring a sword upon thee, and cut off man and beast out of thee. Ezekiel 29.8

I shall brandish my sword before them; and they shall tremble at every moment, every man for his own life. Ezekiel 32.10

Your young men have I slain with the sword … and I have made the stink of your camps to come up unto your nostrils. Amos 4.10

I [Jesus] will … fight against them with the sword of my mouth. Revelation 2.16

Another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword. Revelation 6.4

God is as strong as a unicorn. (Heck, I bet he’s even stronger than a unicorn.) And he has quite an appetite, too. He will eat entire nations, and break bones and pierce bodies with his arrows.

God ... hath ... the strength of an unicorn: he shall eat up the nations his enemies, and shall break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows. Numbers 24.8

I will spend mine arrows upon them. Deuteronomy 32.23

God is angry with people every day. His sword is wet and his bow is bent. He has prepared all the instruments of death.

God is angry with the wicked every day … he will whet his sword; he hath bent his bow, and made it ready. He hath also prepared for him the instruments of death. Psalm 7.11-13

Even his clothes are sprinkled with the blood of his victims. (I don’t know whether his clothes are really dripping with blood in heaven. I don’t even know if he wears clothes. I’m just telling you what the Bible says.)

I will tread them in mine anger, and trample them in my fury; and their blood shall be sprinkled upon my garments, and I will stain all my raiment. Isaiah 63.3

3. God’s sword and arrows won’t be the only things drunk with blood. God also plans to force people (before he kills them) to eat their own flesh and get drunk on their own blood.

I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine. Isaiah 49.26

I’m not sure how much of this is metaphor. God often talks about forcing people to eat other people. That part, at least, is literal. Here are a few examples.

Forcing people to eat themselves:

And he shall snatch on the right hand, and be hungry; and he shall eat on the left hand, and they shall not be satisfied: they shall eat every man the flesh of his own arm. Isaiah 9.20

Forcing parents to eat their children and friends to eat each other:

Ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26.29

Thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters. Deuteronomy 28.53

The tender and delicate woman among you, which would not adventure to set the sole of her foot upon the ground for delicateness and tenderness, her eye shall be evil toward the husband of her bosom, and toward her son, and toward her daughter, And toward her young one that cometh out from between her feet, and toward her children which she shall bear: for she shall eat them. Deuteronomy 28.56-57

I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19.9

The hands of the pitiful women have sodden their own children: they were their meat. Lamentations 4.10

The fathers shall eat the sons in the midst of thee, and the sons shall eat their fathers. Ezekiel 5.10

Let the rest eat every one the flesh of another. Zechariah 11.9

So while it is true that part of God’s plan for humanity is forcing people to eat each other, he was probably just getting carried away with his own metaphor when he said they’d get drunk on their own blood.

Oh, one more thing that believers should know. God wants them to keep their swords bloody, too. He’ll curse (and probably kill) anyone whose sword isn’t dripping with blood.

Cursed be he that doeth the work of the LORD deceitfully, and cursed be he that keepeth back his sword from blood. Jeremiah 48.10

Every man’s sword shall be against his brother. Ezekiel 38.21

4. After God kills people, he will feed their bodies to the birds and beasts until they, too, become drunk with blood.

Thus saith the Lord GOD; Speak unto every feathered fowl, and to every beast of the field, assemble yourselves, and come; gather yourselves on every side to my sacrifice that I do sacrifice for you, even a great sacrifice upon the mountains of Israel, that ye may eat flesh, and drink blood. Ye shall eat the flesh of the mighty, and drink the blood of the princes of the earth … And ye shall eat fat till ye be full, and drink blood till ye be drunken, of my sacrifice which I have sacrificed for you. Ezekiel 39.17-19

God talks a lot about feeding dead people to birds and animals. Here are some examples:

Thy carcase shall be meat unto all fowls of the air, and unto the beasts of the earth, and no man shall fray them away. Deuteronomy 28.26

The carcases of this people shall be meat for the fowls of the heaven, and for the beasts of the earth; and none shall fray them away. Jeremiah 7.33

Come ye, assemble all the beasts of the field, come to devour. Jeremiah 12.9

Their carcases shall be meat for the fowls of heaven, and for the beasts of the earth. Jeremiah 16.4

Their carcases will I give to be meat for the fowls of the heaven, and for the beasts of the earth. Jeremiah 19.7

Their dead bodies shall be for meat unto the fowls of the heaven, and to the beasts of the earth. Jeremiah 34.20

I have given thee for meat to the beasts of the field and to the fowls of the heaven. Ezekiel 29.5

I will cast thee forth upon the open field, and will cause all the fowls of the heaven to remain upon thee, and I will fill the beasts of the whole earth with thee. Ezekiel 32.4

I will give thee unto the ravenous birds of every sort, and to the beasts of the field to be devoured. Ezekiel 39.4

Thou hast given them blood to drink; for they are worthy. Revelation 16.6

Come and gather yourselves together unto the supper of the great God. … And all the fowls were filled with their flesh. Revelation 19.17-21

Believers will get into the act, too. Heck, they even get to drink the blood of God’s victims after they wash their feet in it.

The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked. Psalm 58.10

God shall wound the head of his enemies … that thy foot may be dipped in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the same. Psalm 68.21-23

The people shall rise up as a great lion, and lift up himself as a young lion: he shall not lie down until he eat of the prey, and drink the blood of the slain. Numbers 23.24

And, of course, all believers must drink the blood of Jesus if they want to get to heaven.

Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day. John 6:53-54

5. Finally, the great whore of Babylon will be drunk with the blood of the saints and martyrs.

I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus: and when I saw her, I wondered with great admiration. Revelation 17.6

[For a more complete list of the cruelties in the Bible see The Skeptics Annotated Bible (http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/cruelty/long.html).]

But enough with the blood, guts, and gore. Let’s get on to the killings!

1. The Flood of Noah: All flesh died that moved upon the earth

Genesis 7.21-23

Estimated Number Killed: 20,000,000

Everyone on Earth (except Noah and his family)

God’s first killing is hard to beat. He killed everything. Here’s how he described it:

The LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them. Genesis 6.7

Behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; and every thing that is in the earth shall die. 6.17

Every living substance that I have made will I destroy from off the face of the earth. 7.4

And all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man: All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died. And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark. 7.21-23

So the killing contest is over. God, in his very first killing, wins the prize. The guy who killed everything “on the face of the earth” is the world’s top killer. He beats Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, Ghengis Khan. All those guys. Maybe not in terms of the number killed, but certainly in percentage. You just can’t beat 100%.

Of course, God had his reasons. God always has his reasons.

God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And it repented the LORD that he had made man. 6.5

The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence. And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth. ... The earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth. 6.11-13

Humans were wicked, they had bad thoughts, and the whole earth was violent and corrupt. So what’s a good God to do?

Well, you might think he’d start a school to teach people how to behave, have them go to counseling, get them interested in other stuff —like baseball or something. Anything to get their minds off their bad thoughts.

But no. God decided to drown them all. It was the best he could think of at the time. (He was having bad thoughts.)

The whole earth was filled with violence, so God killed everything on earth. (At least he found a nonviolent solution to the problem.)

But still, I don’t quite get it. Did God drown the animals because they were too violent? Didn’t he make them that way in the first place — either at creation or after the fall of Adam?

But here is the excuse that I like the best:

God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And it repented the LORD that he had made man. 6.5-6

And here’s what God says after he finishes the job and smells the burning flesh of Noah’s sacrifice:

The LORD smelled a sweet savour; and the LORD said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man’s sake; for the imagination of man’s heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done. 8.21

God regrets making humans because they have bad thoughts. So he kills them all. Then he regrets killing them because they (still) have bad thoughts. (At least he fixed the problem!)

The mind of God is a frightening thing.

OK, so God drowned every person on earth except for Noah and his family. How many would that be?

Well, the flood was supposed to have happened about 2400 BCE, and the human population was somewhere around 20 million at the time. (McEvedy and Jones 1978, p. 344)

Not a bad start for a serial killer.

2. Abraham's war to rescue Lot

Genesis 14.17

Estimated Number Killed: 1000

Anti-Sodomites

This is a story about two of God’s favorite people: Abraham and Lot.

God gave Abraham (He called him “Abram” back then) pretty much everything on earth, as far as he could see.

The LORD said unto Abram … Lift up now thine eyes, and look from the place where thou art northward, and southward, and eastward, and westward … All the land which thou seest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed for ever. Genesis 13.14-15

Lot had lots of stuff, too – too much stuff, in fact, to keep it all separate from Abraham’s.

Lot … had flocks, and herds, and tents. And the land was not able to bear them, that they might dwell together: for their substance was great, so that they could not dwell together. 13.5-6

So Lot decided to move to Sodom.

Abram dwelled in the land of Canaan, and Lot dwelled in … Sodom. 13.12

Soon after Lot got settled in Sodom, a war broke out between the kingdoms of Sodom and Gomorrah and some of the other local kingdoms. The Sodomites were defeated and Lot was taken prisoner.

They took Lot, Abram’s brother’s son, who dwelt in Sodom, and his goods, and departed. Genesis 14.12

That’s when Abraham got involved. He and 318 of his slaves took off after the anti-Sodomites.

And when Abram heard that his brother was taken captive, he armed his trained servants, born in his own house, three hundred and eighteen, and pursued them unto Dan. 14.14

And they “smote” the heck out of them, chasing them all the way to the left hand of Damascus.

He and his servants … smote them, and pursued them unto Hobah, which is on the left hand of Damascus. 14.15

Abraham brought back Lot, the women, and the Sodomite stuff.

And he brought back all the goods, and also brought again his brother Lot, and his goods, and the women also, and the people. 14.16

When Abraham returned “from the slaughter,” the king of Sodom went out to greet him, with Melchizedek, “the priest of the most high God,” who brought along some bread and wine.

The king of Sodom went out to meet him after his return from the slaughter … And Melchizedek … brought forth bread and wine: and he was the priest of the most high God. 14.17-18

(Melchizedek, by the way, had no father or mother, no beginning or end, just like the Son of God.)

Melchisedec … to whom Abraham gave a tenth part of all … without father, without mother, without descent, having neither beginning of days, nor end of life; but made like unto the Son of God. Hebrews 7.1-3

And Melchizedek thanked God for helping Abraham slaughter the anti-Sodomites.

Blessed be the most high God, which hath delivered thine enemies into thy hand. 14.20a

Then Abraham gave Melchizedek a tenth of all the stuff he got in the slaughter.

And he gave him tithes of all. 14.20b

A nice fee for such a puny prayer.

3. Sodom and Gomorrah: Shall I hide from Abraham the thing that I do?

Genesis 19.24

Estimated Number Killed: 2,000

The cities of Sodom and Gomorrah

You may have noticed that God, after his first mass murder (1), showed a bit of remorse for needlessly drowning pretty much everything on earth. He even promised to never “smite any more every thing living.” (Genesis 8.21)

And he kept his promise, too [if you ignore the anti-Sodomite slaughter (2)], for another ten chapters or so. But in the end, God couldn’t resist the temptation to kill again.

Abraham tried to talk him out of it, though. He and God and a couple of God’s friends had been hanging out all day together. But after getting their feet washed and eating a big meal, God and his friends decided it was time to go.

The LORD appeared unto him in the plains of Mamre: and he sat in the tent door in the heat of the day; And he lift up his eyes and looked, and, lo, three men stood by him: and when he saw them, he ran to meet them from the tent door, and bowed himself toward the ground, And said … wash your feet, and rest yourselves under the tree … And Abraham ran unto the herd, and fetcht a calf … And he took butter, and milk, and the calf which he had dressed, and set it before them … and they did eat. Genesis 18.1-8

They were heading off toward Sodom and Abraham decided he’d better tag along.

The men rose up from thence, and looked toward Sodom: and Abraham went with them to bring them on the way. 18.16

As they were walking along, God said (to himself?), “Shall I hide from Abraham that thing which I do?”

The LORD said, Shall I hide from Abraham that thing which I do? 18.17

How’s that for weird? God asks himself if he should tell Abraham what he is about to do (which is, of course, kill everyone in two cities). He doesn’t know what to do. Is he afraid that Abe will talk him out of it? Or try to stop him? Or what? Or is he just embarrassed to be having bad thoughts again?

But God finally snaps out of it and tells Abraham what he’s up to. He has heard that the people in Sodom have sinned and he’s decided to go to Sodom and see for himself.

The LORD said, Because the cry of Sodom and Gomorrah is great, and because their sin is very grievous; I will go down now, and see whether they have done altogether according to the cry of it, which is come unto me; and if not, I will know. 18. 20-21

Abraham was on to him right away. He said, “Wilt thou also destroy the righteous with the wicked?”

Abraham drew near, and said, Wilt thou also destroy the righteous with the wicked? 18.23

God, who is in one of his moods, ignores him. So Abe starts to bargain. What if there are 50 good people in Sodom? Would you kill them, too? “Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right?”

Peradventure there be fifty righteous within the city: wilt thou also destroy and not spare the place for the fifty righteous that are therein? … Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right? 18.24-25

God says if he can find 50 good citizens of Sodom, he won’t kill everybody.

The LORD said, If I find in Sodom fifty righteous within the city, then I will spare all the place for their sakes. 18.26

So Abe tries 45, and God says he wouldn’t kill everyone if there were 45.

Peradventure there shall lack five of the fifty righteous: wilt thou destroy all the city for lack of five? And he said, If I find there forty and five, I will not destroy it. 18.28

Abe keeps going this way (knowing that God is a tad slow). How about 40? 30? 20? 10? And each time God answers the same way: If he can find a few good men (well ten, anyway), he won’t kill the whole city.

He said, Oh let not the LORD be angry, and I will speak yet but this once: Peradventure ten shall be found there. And he said, I will not destroy it for ten’s sake. 18.32

And then God just takes off and Abraham goes home. “The LORD went his way ... and Abraham returned unto his place.”

The LORD went his way, as soon as he had left communing with Abraham: and Abraham returned unto his place. 18.33

But God’s two friends (they’re called angels now) keep going to Sodom. Lot invites them in and gives them the usual God treatment (washes their feet and feeds them).

There came two angels to Sodom at even … and Lot seeing them rose up to meet them; and he bowed himself with his face toward the ground; And he said, Behold now, my lords, turn in, I pray you, into your servant’s house, and tarry all night, and wash your feet, and ye shall rise up early, and go on your ways. And they said, Nay; but we will abide in the street all night. And he pressed upon them greatly; and they turned in unto him, and entered into his house; and he made them a feast, and did bake unleavened bread, and they did eat. 19.1-3

Then a strange thing happened. (Strange things often happen in the Bible.) Every man in the city of Sodom came to Lot’s house and demanded to have sex with Lot’s two angel friends.

The men of Sodom, compassed the house round, both old and young, all the people from every quarter: And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know them. 19.4-5

Man, those must have been some good-looking angels!

Lot’s response was to protect the angels (who you’d think could take care of themselves) by offering the sex-crazed mob his two virgin daughters instead.

Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes. 19.8

[This is a man, by the way, whom the Bible calls “just and righteous” in 2 Peter 2:7-8. A few verses later he will get drunk and impregnate both his virgin daughters (see Genesis 19:30-38), but that’s another lovely Bible story.]

As it turns out, though, there is no time for Lot to make good on his kind offer because God is getting ready to commit another mass murder. The angels strike the Sodomites blind, and tell Lot, his virgin daughters (and their husbands!), and his wife to flee.

But the men … smote the men that were at the door of the house with blindness … And the men said unto Lot, Hast thou here any besides? son in law, and thy sons, and thy daughters, and whatsoever thou hast in the city, bring them out of this place: For we will destroy this place … the LORD hath sent us to destroy it. 19.10-13

And then all hell breaks loose.

The LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven. 19.24

OK, so that’s it. That is God’s second mass murder.

But how many people did God smash and burn to death in Sodom and Gomorrah? Well, I, of course, have no idea. I don’t think any of this actually happened. But I’ll guess 2000, 1000 from each city.

4. Remember Lot’s wife (Forget Jesus)

Genesis 19.26

Number killed: 1

Lot’s Wife

Although this is God’s fourth killing event, it is the first of God’s 2,476,636 countable victims.

It’s interesting that God’s first countable victim is unnamed. God killed Mrs. Lot without even knowing (or at least telling us) her name.

And what was it that got God’s attention? What did she do that caused him to kill her?

She looked back at the place she had lived all her life. She looked back as her family, friends, and neighbors were being smashed and burned to death by God. She looked back.

But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt. Genesis 19.26

And, of course, the angel told her not to.

The angels hastened Lot, saying, Arise, take thy wife, and thy two daughters, which are here; lest thou be consumed in the iniquity of the city. And while he lingered, the men laid hold upon his hand, and upon the hand of his wife, and upon the hand of his two daughters ... When they had brought them forth abroad, that he said, Escape for thy life; look not behind thee. 19.15-17

Or did he?

Who was the angel talking to here? To Lot alone or to him and his family? And if it was to Lot alone, did Lot tell his wife? Would it matter to God if no one bothered to tell her? Would he kill her anyway?

Who knows? Or cares? A God who would kill a woman for looking back as everyone she has ever known is being burned to death is a monster God. An arbitrary, random killer.

I have met Christians who ignore this story, as they ignore pretty much everything in the Old Testament. They sometimes call themselves “Red Letter Christians,” meaning that they base their beliefs on the words of Jesus.

But Jesus believed in the story about Sodom and Gomorrah; he believed in the story about Lot’s wife. He saw nothing wrong with any of it. In fact, he said that when he returns at the end of the world it will be just like that. You can check for yourself in your Red Letter Bible.

As it was in the days of Noe, so shall it be also in the days of the Son of man. They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, and the flood came, and destroyed them all. Likewise also as it was in the days of Lot; they did eat, they drank, they bought, they sold, they planted, they builded; But the same day that Lot went out of Sodom it rained fire and brimstone from heaven, and destroyed them all. Even thus shall it be in the day when the Son of man is revealed. … Remember Lot’s wife. Luke 17.26-32

Jesus had no problem with God’s first two mass murders [the flood of Noah (1) and the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah (3)], or with God’s killing of Lot’s wife. It’ll be just like that at the end of the world, if Jesus has anything to say about it. He is just as nasty as the Old Testament God. Maybe nastier.

So remember Lot’s wife. And forget Jesus.

5. Er was wicked in the sight of the Lord (so the Lord slew him)

Genesis 38.7

Number killed: 1

Er

This is the first of God’s named murder victims.

We know his name (Er), his father’s name (Judah), his mother’s name (Shuah), and his wife’s name (Tamar).

Judah … saw there a daughter of a certain Canaanite, whose name was Shuah; and he took her, and went in unto her. And she conceived, and bare a son; and he called his name Er. … And Judah took a wife for Er his firstborn, whose name was Tamar. Genesis 38.1-6

And we know that “he was wicked in the sight of the Lord; and the Lord slew him.” But that’s it.

Er, Judah’s firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him. 38:7

God killed Er for doing something, but the Bible doesn’t say what it was.

So what did Er do?

Did he get drunk and lie around naked in his tent and then curse his unborn grandson (and all of his descendants) with slavery because his son saw him drunk and naked? No that was Noah, “a preacher of righteousness.” (Genesis 9.20-25, 2 Peter 2.5)

Did he abandon his first son to die in the desert and then show his willingness to murder his second son for God as a human sacrifice? No, that was Abraham, a friend of God. (Genesis 21.10-14, 22.2-12, James 2.23 )

Did he offer his two virgin daughters to a sex-crazed mob of angel rapers and then get drunk and impregnate them? No that was Lot, a just and righteous man. (Genesis 19.8, 30-38, 2 Peter 2.7-8)

So what was it that pissed off God so much that he just had to kill him?

You’d think if it was important enough to kill him, it would be important enough to tell us why.

6. Onan spilled it on the ground(so the Lord killed him too)

Genesis 38.9-10

Number killed: 1

Onan

In his last killing (5), God killed Er for being wicked.

Er, Judah’s firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him. Genesis 38.7

So Judah told Er’s brother, Onan, to have sex with his dead brother’s wife. (I guess Judah wanted a grandchild or something.)

Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother’s wife. 38.8

And Onan “went in unto” her alright, but before ejaculating he pulled out and “spilled it on the ground.”

Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground. 38.9

Then God, who was watching the whole thing, killed Onan for ejaculating outside the vagina of his dead brother’s wife.

And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also. 38.10

This story is used by believers to justify their condemnation of everything from masturbation (which is sometimes called “Onanism”) to birth control.

But I think it’s just another nasty, amoral Bible story. If there is a moral to the story, though, I guess it is this: Be careful where you ejaculate.

7. God’s seven year, world-wide famine

Genesis 41.54-57

Estimated Number Killed: 70,000

World-wide famine victims

This one is all about Joseph. There’s a whole series of stupid Joseph stories in Genesis: Jacob loved Joseph more than his other children (Genesis 37.3); Joseph’s brothers throw him in a well (37.24); Joseph is rescued from the well and sold to the Ishmaelites (37.28); Joseph goes to prison after being falsely accused of rape (39.20); Joseph interprets the dream of his cellmate (40.8-19); Joseph interprets the Pharaoh’s dream (41.25-32); the Pharaoh makes Joseph the overseer of all of Egypt (41.33).

The Bible isn’t too clear on this, but as near as I can tell, God starved everyone on earth so that Joseph could become the most powerful person in Egypt by interpreting the Pharaoh’s dream so that God could get the Israelites enslaved by Pharaoh and then rescue them by sending plagues on the Egyptians. Or something like that.

OK. That all makes perfect sense. But what was the Pharaoh’s dream?

Well, there were these seven fat, good-looking cows that came out of the Nile, followed by seven skinny, ugly cows. The skinny cows ate the fat ones.

And it came to pass … that Pharaoh dreamed: and, behold, he stood by the river. And, behold, there came up out of the river seven well favoured kine and fatfleshed; and they fed in a meadow. And, behold, seven other kine came up after them out of the river, ill favoured and leanfleshed; and stood by the other kine upon the brink of the river. And the ill favoured and leanfleshed kine did eat up the seven well favoured and fat kine. So Pharaoh awoke. Genesis 41.1-4

Then Pharaoh had another dream. This time seven skinny heads of grain ate seven fat ones.

And he slept and dreamed the second time: and, behold, seven ears of corn came up upon one stalk, rank and good. And, behold, seven thin ears and blasted with the east wind sprung up after them. And the seven thin ears devoured the seven rank and full ears. And Pharaoh awoke, and, behold, it was a dream. 41.5-7

Nobody could interpret Pharaoh’s dream. So they called Joseph. Joseph said it was simple. God was going to send seven good years followed by seven years of famine. And the famine would be world-wide and “very grievous.”

This is the thing which … God is about to do.…There come seven years of great plenty throughout all the land of Egypt: And there shall arise after them seven years of famine. … It shall be very grievous. … The thing is established by God, and God will shortly bring it to pass. 41.28-32

Joseph said the Pharaoh should have the Egyptians store up food during the seven good years so they wouldn’t starve (like everyone else) during the bad.

And it all happened just like Joseph said it would. The Pharaoh did what Joseph suggested and had Joseph oversee it all. And Joseph became the most powerful person in Egypt.

So things worked out well for Joseph, but not so well for everyone else.

When the famine struck, everyone on earth (including the Egyptians) had to buy their food from Joseph. If they couldn’t make it to Egypt or didn’t have enough money, they starved. It was all part of God’s plan.

The seven years of dearth began to come, according as Joseph had said: and the dearth was in all lands … And the famine was over all the face of the earth … And all countries came into Egypt to Joseph for to buy corn; because that the famine was so sore in all lands. 41.54-57

But how many people starved to death during God’s seven year famine? I have no idea. But since the Bible says it was “over all the face of the earth” and was a “very grievous famine,” I figure it must have been at least 70,000 or so, 10,000 each year.

8. The seventh plague of Egypt: Hail shall come down upon them and they shall die

Exodus 9.24-26

Estimated Number Killed: 300,000

Egyptians

This is the seventh of the famous ten plagues of Egypt.

Here are the first six:

1. Rivers turn to blood. (Exodus 7.17-24)

2. Frogs. (8.1-7)

3. Lice. (8.16-19)

4. Flies (8.21-24)

5. All cattle in Egypt die. (9.3-6)

6. Festering boils on man and beast. (9.9-10)

The Bible doesn’t say whether anyone died from the first six plagues. Rivers of blood, frogs, lice, flies, dead animals as far as you can see, and boils covering every person and animal in Egypt. These things were no doubt unpleasant. But did it kill anyone? There’s just no way of knowing.

But the Bible is clear about the seventh plague: hail.

Upon every man and beast which shall be found in the field … the hail shall come down upon them, and they shall die. ... So there was hail, and fire mingled with the hail, very grievous ... And the hail smote throughout all the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast. Exodus 9:19-25

So God killed everybody in Egypt who was out and about that day with fire and hail (except Israelites).

Only in the land of Goshen, where the children of Israel were, was there no hail. 9:26

But how many people would that have been?

Well, the Egyptian population is estimated to have been 3 million at the time the Exodus supposedly happened (McEvedy and Jones 1978, p.226). So if maybe 10% of the Egyptians were in the field at the time, about 300 thousand would have been killed by God’s fiery hailstorm.

9. The Lord smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt

Exodus 12.29-30

Estimated Number Killed: 500,000

Firstborn Egyptians

God starts planning this mass murder in Chapter 3 of Exodus, and he doesn’t stop talking about it until he kills every Egyptian firstborn child (and animal) in Exodus 12.

Here was the way God planned it.

On the night of the mass child murder, God told each Israelite family to find a year-old lamb without blemish, kill it, and wipe the blood on the top and sides of the door.

In the tenth day of this month they shall take to them every man a lamb … without blemish, a male of the first year … And ye shall … kill it in the evening. And they shall take of the blood, and strike it on the two side posts and on the upper door post of the houses. Exodus 12.3-7

That way when God came through Egypt looking for first born children and animals to kill, he would see the bloody door and “pass over” the house, saying to himself, “Oh yeah, I’m not supposed to kill any children or animals here.”

For I will pass through the land of Egypt this night, and will smite all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man and beast … and when I see the blood, I will pass over you, 12.12-13

And that’s what happened.

At midnight God passed through Egypt killing every Egyptian first-born child and animal.

At midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon; and all the firstborn of cattle. 12.29

After God was done, there was not a single Egyptian house that didn’t have one dead child.

And there was a great cry in Egypt; for there was not a house where there was not one dead. 12.30

Why did God do it?

Well, it seems that he did it to show off.

To show off his signs and wonders.

I will … smite Egypt with all my wonders. 3.20

I will harden Pharaoh’s heart, and multiply my signs and my wonders in the land of Egypt. 7.3

Go in unto Pharaoh: for I have hardened his heart, and the heart of his servants, that I might shew these my signs before him. 10.1

The LORD said unto Moses, Pharaoh shall not hearken unto you; that my wonders may be multiplied in the land of Egypt. 11.9

To introduce himself to the Egyptians.

And the Egyptians shall know that I am the LORD. 7.5

To show what he can do.

Now shalt thou see what I will do to Pharaoh. 6.1

To show that there is nobody else on earth quite like him.

For I will at this time send all my plagues upon thine heart, and upon thy servants, and upon thy people; that thou mayest know that there is none like me in all the earth. 9:14

To make himself famous (so that everyone will know his name).

That my name may be declared throughout all the earth. 9.16

To give us a story to tell our children and grandchildren.

That thou mayest tell in the ears of thy son, and of thy son’s son, what things I have wrought in Egypt. 10.2

To show that the whole earth belongs to him.

That thou mayest know how that the earth is the LORD’s. 9.29

To prove that he is God.

In this thou shalt know that I am the LORD. 7.17

That ye may know how that I am the LORD. 10.2

To show that he likes Israelites more than Egyptians.

That ye may know how that the LORD doth put a difference between the Egyptians and Israel. 11.7

And to punish the Egyptian Gods.

Against all the gods of Egypt I will execute judgment. 12.12

Well, I guess those motives are about as good as any for a mass murder.

In any case, God is clearly proud of this one. And it’s no wonder. It wasn’t all that easy to pull off, even for God.

He had to harden the Pharaoh’s heart eight times to make it all work out as planned.

1. I will harden his heart, that he shall not let the people go. Exodus 4.21
2. I will harden Pharaoh’s heart. 7.3
3. He hardened Pharaoh’s heart, that he hearkened not unto them; as the LORD had said. 7.13
4. The LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh. 9.12 5. The LORD said unto Moses, Go in unto Pharaoh: for I have hardened his heart, and the heart of his servants, that I might shew these my signs before him. 10.1
6. The LORD hardened Pharaoh’s heart, so that he would not let the children of Israel go. 10.20
7. The LORD hardened Pharaoh’s heart, and he would not let them go. 10.27
8. The LORD hardened Pharaoh’s heart, so that he would not let the children of Israel go out of his land. 11.10

Some hearts are hard for even the Bible god to harden.

So how many were killed in this killing? Well, the population of Egypt at the time the Exodus supposedly occurred was about 3 million (McEvedy and Jones 1978, p.226). If one-sixth of them were first born sons, a half million Egyptians were killed by God (or the angel sent by God to do his dirty work for him).

10. The Lord took off their chariot wheels

Exodus 14.27-28

Number Killed: At least 600

Estimated Number Killed: 5,000

God’s last mass murder pretty much did the trick. The night that God killed every firstborn Egyptian child and animal, Pharaoh told Moses to go.

He called for Moses and Aaron by night, and said, Rise up, and get you forth from among my people, both ye and the children of Israel; and go, serve the LORD, as ye have said. Also take your flocks and your herds, as ye have said, and be gone; and bless me also. Exodus 12:31-32

So Moses rounded up all three million or so Israelites, their flocks, herds, cattle, unleavened bread, and all the silver, gold, and clothes that they could steal from the Egyptians, and left town.

The people took their dough before it was leavened … and they borrowed of the Egyptians jewels of silver, and jewels of gold, and raiment … And they spoiled the Egyptians … about six hundred thousand on foot that were men, beside children … and flocks, and herds, even very much cattle. 12.34-38

And everything would have ended happily ever after, too, if God could have resisted the temptation to harden the Pharaoh’s heart a few more times.

You see, the Pharaoh’s heart was just too damned soft to suit God. So he set about hardening it a bit more. (He had to harden it 8 times in order to pull off his last killing.)

I will harden Pharaoh’s heart, that he shall follow after them; and I will be honoured upon Pharaoh, and upon all his host; that the Egyptians may know that I am the LORD. 14.4

And the LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh. 14.8

I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians, and they shall follow them: and I will get me honour upon Pharaoh, and upon all his host, upon his chariots, and upon his horsemen. And the Egyptians shall know that I am the LORD, when I have gotten me honour upon Pharaoh, upon his chariots, and upon his horsemen. 14.17-18

So God hardened Pharaoh’s heart some more and got himself a little more honor.

Of course he had to kill some more Egyptians so that they would know that he is the Lord. Sometimes you have to kill people in order to get to know them better.

So that’s what God did. And you saw the movie so you know the rest of the story. God parted the sea so the Israelites could cross and then drowned the Egyptian army.

The LORD said unto Moses, Stretch out thine hand over the sea, that the waters may come again upon the Egyptians … and the LORD overthrew the Egyptians in the midst of the sea. … And the waters returned, and covered the chariots, and the horsemen, and all the host of Pharaoh that came into the sea after them; there remained not so much as one of them. 14.26-28

But the part I like best they didn’t show in the movie. God got right out there with his wrenches and whatnot and removed the wheels from the Egyptian chariots. How cool is that?

The LORD … took off their chariot wheels. 14.24-25

That would have been fun to watch.

OK. So how many Egyptians drowned to get God some more honor?

Well, we know there were at least 600, since that’s how many chariots the Pharaoh sent after the Israelites.

And he took six hundred chosen chariots, and all the chariots of Egypt, and captains over every one of them. 14.7

But along with the chariots there were “horsemen, and all the host of Pharaoh” that chased after the three million or so escaping slaves.

So although I probably greatly underestimated the imaginary number, I guessed 5000.

11. The Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation

Exodus 17.11-13

Estimated Number Killed: 1,000

Amalekites

Before the Israelites had even left Egypt, they began to do what they do best: complain.

They complain when they see the Pharaoh’s chariots.

When Pharaoh drew nigh, the children of Israel lifted up their eyes, and, behold, the Egyptians marched after them; and they were sore afraid: and the children of Israel cried out unto the LORD. And they said unto Moses, Because there were no graves in Egypt, hast thou taken us away to die in the wilderness? wherefore hast thou dealt thus with us, to carry us forth out of Egypt? Is not this the word that we did tell thee in Egypt, saying, Let us alone, that we may serve the Egyptians? For it had been better for us to serve the Egyptians, than that we should die in the wilderness. Exodus 14.10-12

They complain when they’re starving to death.

The whole congregation of the children of Israel murmured against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness: And the children of Israel said unto them, Would to God we had died by the hand of the LORD in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the flesh pots, and when we did eat bread to the full; for ye have brought us forth into this wilderness, to kill this whole assembly with hunger. 16.2-3

They complain when dying of thirst.

There was no water for the people to drink. Wherefore the people did chide with Moses, and said, Give us water that we may drink. And Moses said unto them, Why chide ye with me? wherefore do ye tempt the LORD? And the people thirsted there for water; and the people murmured against Moses, and said, Wherefore is this that thou hast brought us up out of Egypt, to kill us and our children and our cattle with thirst?  17.1-3

Before long, God will respond to their complaints with several mass murders. But we’ll leave that for another time.

Because now it’s time for some Holy War.

The Amalekites show up and the fight begins. God controls the whole thing with some remote control magic tricks. Every time Moses holds his hands up, the Amalekites are slaughtered by the Israelites. When he gets tired and lets his arms down, the situation is reversed.

When Moses held up his hand, that Israel prevailed: and when he let down his hand, Amalek prevailed. 17.11

Eventually they had to set some rocks under Moses’ arms to make sure that the right people got killed.

But Moses hands were heavy; and they took a stone, and put it under him, and he sat thereon; and Aaron and Hur stayed up his hands. 17.12

But it all worked out just fine.

Joshua discomfited Amalek and his people with the edge of the sword. 17.13

It’s too bad, though, that the Bible doesn’t say how many Amalekites died in this magical holy war, because now I’ll just have to guess.

Oh heck, I’ll call it 1000.

But God was far from done with the Amalekites. In fact, he is fighting with them still and commands us all to kill them wherever and whenever we see them.

The LORD said unto Moses, Write this for a memorial in a book, and rehearse it in the ears of Joshua: for I will utterly put out the remembrance of Amalek from under heaven. Exodus 17.14

The LORD hath sworn that the LORD will have war with Amalek from generation to generation. Exodus 17.16

Thou shalt blot out the remembrance of Amalek from under heaven; thou shalt not forget it. Deuteronomy 25:19

So if you happen to see an Amalekite, you know what to do.

12. Who is on the Lord’s side: Forcing friends and family to kill each other

Exodus 32.27-28

Number Killed: 3,000

Israelites

In his previous killings, God killed indiscriminately. He drowned everyone and everything in the flood (1), smashed people with burning stones at Sodom and Gomorrah (3), and killed every Egyptian firstborn child and animal just for the heck of it (9). So I guess we should be used to this sort of thing by now.

But in this killing, God forces 3000 friends and family members to kill each other. That seems kind of nasty even for a very nasty god.

Here are the gory details.

Moses was up on Mount Sinai getting the Ten Commandments from God. Since he’d been gone so long (he’d been up there for 40 days) the people began to wonder if he’d ever come back. So they asked Aaron to make some other gods for them. Aaron thought that was a pretty good idea, so he

Said unto them, Break off the golden earrings, which are in the ears of your wives, of your sons, and of your daughters, and bring them unto me ... And ... he had made it a molten calf. Exodus 32.2-4

You might think that a bunch of runaway slaves wouldn’t have much gold. But God told them to steal whatever jewelry they could find from the Egyptians.

The children of Israel did according to the word of Moses; and they borrowed of the Egyptians jewels of silver, and jewels of gold, and raiment. … And they spoiled the Egyptians. 12.35-36

I guess God wanted them to have enough gold to make a golden calf. It was all part of his plan.

So the people gave Aaron their stolen gold and Aaron made a golden calf.

Now making a golden calf out of a pile of ear rings and a campfire might seem hard to you. But Aaron just threw them all onto a fire and out came a golden calf. Really.

I [Aaron] said unto them, Whosoever hath any gold, let them break it off. So they gave it me: then I cast it into the fire, and there came out this calf. 32.24

It was a miracle. God (or Satan) made the golden calf when Aaron threw the jewelry on the fire.

In any case, when Moses came down from the mountain, he saw the people dancing naked (“for Aaron had made them naked“) around the golden calf.

Moses saw that the people were naked; (for Aaron had made them naked.) 32.25

So he smashed the stone tablets, burned the golden calf, ground it into a powder, sprinkled it on water, and then forced everyone (all 3 million of them) to drink it.

As soon as he came nigh unto the camp, that he saw the calf, and the dancing: and Moses’ anger waxed hot, and he cast the tables out of his hands, and brake them beneath the mount. And he took the calf which they had made, and burnt it in the fire, and ground it to powder, and strawed it upon the water, and made the children of Israel drink of it. 32.19-20

But Moses was just getting started. Here’s what he said next:

Who is on the Lord’s side? .... Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and go in and out from gate to gate throughout the camp, and slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbour ... and there fell of the people that day about three thousand men. 32.26-28

So those on God’s side went out and killed 3000 of their friends, neighbors, and family members.

But God still wasn’t satisfied. When he first found out about the golden calf and the naked dancing he wanted to kill everyone and start over with a new batch of people.

The LORD said unto Moses, I have seen this people, and, behold, it is a stiffnecked people: Now therefore let me alone, that my wrath may wax hot against them, and that I may consume them: and I will make of thee a great nation. 32.9-10

But Moses talked him out of it, saying, “What would the Egyptians say?”

Moses besought the LORD his God and said … should the Egyptians speak, and say, For mischief did he bring them out, to slay them in the mountains, and to consume them from the face of the earth? Turn from thy fierce wrath, and repent of this evil against thy people. 32.11-12

Imagine that. Moses is a nicer guy than God. (See killing 26 for the implication here.)

13. The Lord plagued the people because of the calf that Aaron made

Exodus 32.35

Estimated Number Killed: 1,000

Israelites

In his last killing (12), God forced the Israelites to kill each other. (The Levites volunteered for the job of “being on the Lord’s side” by killing their family, friends, and neighbors for God.) The resulting death toll was 3000.

But this didn’t quite satisfy God. He needed to kill some more. So he sent a plague.

The LORD plagued the people, because they made the calf, which Aaron made. Exodus 32.35

The Bible doesn’t say how many people God killed in this plague. I’ll guess 1000.

14. God burns Aaron’s sons to death for offering “strange fire”

Leviticus 10.1-2

Number killed: 2

Aaron’s sons: Nadab and Abihu

The story begins with Aaron's sons, Nadab and Abihu, burning "strange fire before the Lord," some kind of weird incense that God didn't like very much.

Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron, took either of them his censer, and put fire therein, and put incense thereon, and offered strange fire before the LORD, which he commanded them not. Leviticus 10.1

So God burned them to death.

And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD. 10.2

And here’s what Moses said to Aaron afterwards.

Then Moses said unto Aaron, This is it that the LORD spake, saying, I will be sanctified in them that come nigh me, and before all the people I will be glorified. 10.3a

God burned Aaron’s sons alive so that God would “be sanctified in them” and so that he would “be glorified.”

That helps.

Moses warned Aaron not to mourn the death of his sons (by uncovering his head or tearing his clothes) or God would kill him too, along with all the people.

Moses said unto Aaron …Uncover not your heads, neither rend your clothes; lest ye die, and lest wrath come upon all the people. 10.6

So Aaron did as he was told, and watched in silence as his sons were burned to death by God.

And Aaron held his peace. 10.3b

15. A blasphemer is stoned to death

Leviticus 24.23

Number killed: 1

A blasphemer

Remember the stoning scene from Monty Python’s The Life of Brian? A man (Matthias, Son of Deuteronomy of Gath) is about to be stoned to death for blasphemy. Here’s what he says in his own defense:

I had a lovely supper and all I said to my wife was, “That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah.”

Well, this story from Leviticus is pretty much the same, except here two guys are fighting and one of them blasphemes.

The son of an Israelitish woman, whose father was an Egyptian, went out among the children of Israel: and this son of the Israelitish woman and a man of Israel strove together in the camp; And the Israelitish woman’s son blasphemed the name of the Lord, and cursed. Leviticus 24.10-11a

So they brought him to Moses so he could ask God what to do about it.

They brought him unto Moses … that the mind of the LORD might be shewed them. 24.11b-12

God tells Moses that everyone must stone the blasphemer to death.

The LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Bring forth him that hath cursed without the camp; and let all that heard him lay their hands upon his head, and let all the congregation stone him. ... He that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death. 24.13-16

Then Moses tells the people what God told him to tell the people (to stone the blasphemer to death).

Moses spake to the children of Israel, that they should bring forth him that had cursed out of the camp, and stone him with stones. 24.23a

And that’s what they did.

And the children of Israel did as the LORD commanded Moses. 24.23b

As Matthias, Son of Deuteronomy of Gath would have said, “Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah!”

16. When the people complained, God burned them to death

Numbers 11.1

Estimated Number Killed: 100

Israelites

Here’s a fun little WTF Bible Story for you.

It all happens in just two verses.

When the people complained, it displeased the LORD. Numbers 11.1a

The Bible doesn’t say what the people were complaining about. Spending years wandering around in the desert following a cloud around? Not having enough food or water? Having friends and family killed for no good reason? It doesn’t say.

But whatever it was, God heard it. (He had his hearing aid on.)

And the LORD heard it. 11.1b

So what do you think God did? Did he explain why he was leading them around for 40 years without adequate food or water on a trip that should have taken a few weeks?

Not quite. Here’s what he did.

His anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp. 11.1c

I don’t know for sure, of course, but I think God was trying to teach parents a lesson here. When your kids complain, burn them to death. God teaches best when he teaches by example.

Finally the people beg Moses to make God stop. And God stopped burning people to death.

The people cried unto Moses; and when Moses prayed unto the LORD, the fire was quenched. 11:2

Don’t you just love happy endings?

(How many people did God burn to death in this episode? The Bible doesn’t say, so I just guessed 100.)

17. While the flesh was still between their teeth, the Lord smote them with a very great plague

Numbers 11.33

Estimated Number Killed: 10,000

Israelites

In his last killing (16), God burned people to death for complaining. I suppose this was to teach them a lesson: Don’t whine.

But if so, it didn’t work. Those that survived God’s fire immediately began to whine again, saying,

Who shall give us flesh to eat? We remember the fish, which we did eat in Egypt freely; the cucumbers, and the melons, and the leeks, and the onions, and the garlic: But now our soul is dried away: there is nothing at all, beside this manna, before our eyes. Numbers 11.4-6

So Moses and God talk things over and God says he’ll give them meat, alright. He’ll feed them meat until it comes out their noses!

Ye shall not eat one day, nor two days, nor five days, neither ten days, nor twenty days; But even a whole month, until it come out at your nostrils, and it be loathsome unto you. 11.19-20

Where did God get the meat, you ask? From quail. Lots and lots of quail.

And there went forth a wind from the LORD, and brought quails from the sea, and let them fall by the camp, as it were a day’s journey on this side, and as it were a day’s journey on the other side, round about the camp, and as it were two cubits high upon the face of the earth. 11.31

God coated the ground with dead quail. A meter deep within a circle 60 kilometers in diameter.

How many quail would that be?

Well, let’s see. The volume of a meter high cylinder with a diameter of 60 kilometers is about 3 billion cubic meters. Since there are 1000 liters in a cubic meter, that makes 3 trillion liters. If the average volume per quail was 1 liter (that would be a big quail), then there would have been 3 trillion dead quail covering the ground, a million or so for each of the several million Israelites.

So everyone had plenty of meat to eat. And the moral of the story is this:

If you are hungry, just ask God to feed you. You may get more than you want. You may get so much that it comes out your nose. But God will feed you.

Or that would be the moral, if it weren’t for the next verse.

While the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague. 11.33

So God fed the people quail until it came out their noses and then killed many of them with “a very great plague.”

Which means we need a new moral for this Bible Story: If you are hungry, don’t ask God for help. He’ll force you to eat food that you don’t like until it comes out your nose and then he’ll kill you in a plague.

God hates whiners.

(Since this was “a very great plague,” I put the death toll at 10,000.)

18. Ten scouts are killed for their honest report

Numbers 14.36-37

Number killed: 10

Honest scouts

OK, this one requires a bit of explanation.

The story begins in Numbers 13 where Moses sends out 12 scouts (one from each of the tribes of Israel) to check out the land of Canaan.

Moses sent them to spy out the land of Canaan ... And see the land, what it is, and the people that dwelleth therein, whether they be strong or weak, few or many. Numbers 13.17-18

So the twelve spies go and do that.

When they return, one of the spies (Caleb) says,

Let us go up at once, and possess it; for we are well able to overcome it. 13.30

But the other ten (the Bible doesn’t say what Joshua said) disagree.

The land, through which we have gone to search it, is a land that eateth up the inhabitants thereof; and all the people that we saw in it are men of a great stature. And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight. 13.32-33

So Caleb (and Joshua?) say it would be easy to take over the land of Canaan, while the other ten say it would be hard, since the people that live there are giants. (The scouts were like grasshoppers in comparison to them.)

When the people heard the reports, they believed the giant story and were a bit discouraged. So they decided to elect a new leader and go back to Egypt.

All the congregation lifted up their voice, and cried; and the people wept that night. And all the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron: and the whole congregation said unto them, Would God that we had died in the land of Egypt! or would God we had died in this wilderness! ... And they said one to another, Let us make a captain, and let us return into Egypt. 14.1-4

When Moses and Aaron hear this, they fell on their faces.

Then Moses and Aaron fell on their faces. 14.5

Joshua and Caleb tear their clothes.

Joshua ... and Caleb ... rent their clothes. 14.6

And try to talk the people out of it.

…saying, The land, which we passed through to search it, is an exceeding good land. If the LORD delight in us, then he will bring us into this land, and give it us; a land which floweth with milk and honey. 14:7-8

But the people weren’t buying it. They didn’t want to fight any God-damned giants. So they decide to stone Joshua and Caleb (with stones).

All the congregation bade stone them with stones. 14.10a

And then God, in all his glory, shows up.

The glory of the LORD appeared … before all the children of Israel. 14.10b

He tells Moses that he’s sick of their whining, so he’s going to kill them all. He’ll smite them with the pestilence and then make some better people to replace them. People who wouldn’t whine so damned much.

The LORD said unto Moses, How long will this people provoke me? ... I will smite them with the pestilence, and disinherit them, and will make of thee a greater nation and mightier than they. 14.11-12

But Moses talks him out of it (like he did in killing #12). He says the Egyptians will hear about it and say that God couldn’t get the people to obey him so he had to kill them all. How would that look to the neighbors?

Moses said unto the LORD, Then the Egyptians shall hear it ... And they will tell it to the inhabitants of this land ... Because the LORD was not able to bring this people into the land which he sware unto them, therefore he hath slain them in the wilderness. 14.13-16

So God decided not to kill everyone. Not yet, anyway. But he’ll make sure that all their carcasses rot in the wilderness (at least all those that are over 20 years old).

Your carcases shall fall in this wilderness; and all that were numbered of you, according to your whole number, from twenty years old and upward which have murmured against me ... But as for you, your carcases, they shall fall in this wilderness. And your children shall wander in the wilderness forty years ... the LORD have said, I will surely do it unto all this evil congregation, that are gathered together against me: in this wilderness they shall be consumed, and there they shall die. 14.29-35

And that would have been the end of the story, except that God was still pissed off about those ten scouts, even though they were just doing their jobs. (“To spy out the land of Canaan ... And see the land, what it is, and the people that dwelleth therein, whether they be strong or weak, few or many.”) So he killed them in a plague.

And the men, which Moses sent to search the land, who returned, and made all the congregation to murmur against him, by bringing up a slander upon the land, Even those men that did bring up the evil report upon the land, died by the plague before the LORD. 14.36-37

19. A man gathering sticks on the Sabbath day

Numbers 15.35-36

Number killed: 1

A Sabbath breaker

This one is pretty simple.

A man is caught gathering sticks on the Sabbath day.

While the children of Israel were in the wilderness, they found a man that gathered sticks upon the Sabbath day. Numbers 15.32

The people ask Moses what to do about it.

They … brought him unto Moses and Aaron … because it was not declared what should be done to him. 15.33-34

God tells Moses that everyone must stone the Sabbath breaker to death.

The LORD said unto Moses, The man shall be surely put to death: all the congregation shall stone him with stones. 15.35

So that’s what they do.

All the congregation brought him without the camp, and stoned him with stones, and he died; as the LORD commanded Moses. 15.36

Immediately after the stoning, God gets down to some more important business—like instructing the people on how to make fringes on their garments.

The LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Speak unto the children of Israel, and bid them that they make them fringes in the borders of their garments throughout their generations, and that they put upon the fringe of the borders a ribband of blue. 15.37-38

You see, God wants us to put fringes on our garments so that when we see the purple fringes we’ll say to ourselves, “Oh yeah, I’m supposed to follow all of God’s laws.”

It shall be unto you for a fringe, that ye may look upon it, and remember all the commandments of the LORD, and do them. 15.39a

That way, when we see someone working on the Sabbath, we’ll remember to stone him or her to death, on the spot, instead of following our own heart.

That ye seek not after your own heart and your own eyes. 15.39b

People who follow their hearts seldom stone people to death.

20. The opposing party is buried alive (along with their families)

Numbers 16.31-33

Estimated Number Killed: At least 9

Korah, Dathan, Abiram and their families

Our story begins with Korah and his companions confronting Moses. Here’s what they say to him:

Ye take too much upon you, seeing all the congregation are holy, every one of them, and the LORD is among them: wherefore then lift ye up yourselves above the congregation of the LORD? Numbers 16.3

So what do you suppose Moses did when he heard this? Well, he fell on his face, of course. (People are always falling on their faces in the Bible.)

When Moses heard it, he fell upon his face. 16.4

And (while still on his face) offers this ingenious plan:

This do; Take you censers, Korah, and all his company; And put fire therein, and put incense in them before the LORD to morrow: and it shall be that the man whom the LORD doth choose, he shall be holy. 16.6-7

So they’re going to have an old-fashioned, incense-swinging, prayer contest, where God picks the winner. How cool is that?

They took every man his censer, and put fire in them, and laid incense thereon, and stood in the door of the tabernacle of the congregation with Moses and Aaron. 16.18

But before they start swinging their censers, God in all his glory shows up.

The glory of the LORD appeared unto all the congregation. 16.19

So God, Moses, and Aaron call a time out to talk things over.

Remember how, just a couple killings ago (18), God threatened to kill everyone for complaining? Yeah, well, he’s back at it again. He tells Moses and Aaron to stand back and get the hell out of the way because he’s going to kill everybody.

The LORD spake unto Moses and unto Aaron, saying, Separate yourselves from among this congregation, that I may consume them in a moment. 16.20-21

So what do you figure Moses and Aaron do when they hear that? Well, they fell on their faces, of course.

They fell upon their faces. 16.22a

And (while still on their faces) they try to talk God out of it (again).

And said, O God, the God of the spirits of all flesh, shall one man sin, and wilt thou be wroth with all the congregation? 16.22b

It seemed to work again, too, since God came up with a whole new game plan.

The LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Speak unto the congregation, saying, Get you up from about the tabernacle of Korah, Dathan, and Abiram. 16.23-24

So they gat up from the tabernacle of Korah, Dathan, and Abiram, on every side: and Dathan and Abiram came out, and stood in the door of their tents, and their wives, and their sons, and their little children. And Moses said, Hereby ye shall know that the LORD hath sent me. 16.27-28

If these men die the common death of all men, or if they be visited after the visitation of all men; then the LORD hath not sent me. But if the LORD make a new thing, and the earth open her mouth, and swallow them up, with all that appertain unto them, and they go down quick into the pit; then ye shall understand that these men have provoked the LORD. 16:29-30

So God and Moses arrange this test. If Korah and his companions die a normal, natural death, then God didn’t send Moses. But if they (and their families) are buried alive, then Moses is God’s special friend.

The test proved to everyone that God is on Moses’ side (since the other guys were buried alive).

The earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up.... They, and all that appertained to them, went down alive into the pit, and the earth closed upon them: and they perished from among the congregation. 16.32-33

And that they should get the hell away from him before he buries them alive, too.

And all Israel that were round about them fled at the cry of them: for they said, Lest the earth swallow us up also. 16.34

But how many died in this killing?

Well, there’s no way to know for sure, but there were at least three men that opposed Moses (Korah, Dathan, and Abiram), and the story makes it clear that their wives and children were buried alive with them. So if each had at least one wife and one child, that would make at least 9 victims.

21. God burns 250 people to death for burning incense

Numbers 16.35

Number Killed: 250

Incense burners

In his last killing (20), God showed whose side he’s on by opening up the ground and burying alive the leaders that opposed Moses (along with their families). And it made quite an impression on everyone.

All Israel that were round about them fled at the cry of them: for they said, Lest the earth swallow us up also. Numbers 16.34

But they were safe, at least for the moment, because God had his mind on other things.

Remember Moses’ original plan for dealing with Korah’s rebellion? He told him and his associates to burn incense before the Lord and let God choose who is holy.

This do; Take you censers, Korah, and all his company; And put fire therein, and put incense in them before the LORD to morrow: and it shall be that the man whom the LORD doth choose, he shall be holy. 16.6-7

But then God came up with the burying alive thing and the censer-swinging prayer contest was put on hold.

In the meantime, 250 of Korah’s followers did as Moses asked and burned some incense. So God burned them all alive to teach them a lesson or something. (If you do what he says he’ll burn you to death?)

There came out a fire from the LORD, and consumed the two hundred and fifty men that offered incense. 16.35

At least I don’t have to guess the number of victims this time.

22. God killed 14,700 for complaining about God’s killings

Numbers 16.49

Number Killed: 14,700

Israelites

In case you haven’t been following along, here’s what has happened so far in Numbers 16.

- Korah and his companions question Moses’ leadership, saying “Ye take too much upon you, seeing all the congregation are holy, every one of them, and the LORD is among them: wherefore then lift ye up yourselves above the congregation of the LORD?” (Numbers 16.1-3)

- Moses falls on his face. (16.4)

- The glory of the Lord appears to the congregation. (16.19)

- God tells Moses to get out of the way because he’s going to kill everyone. (16.20-21)

- Moses and Aaron fall on their faces. (16.22)

- Korah, his companions, and their families are buried alive. (16.27-33)

- God burns to death 250 men for burning incense. (16.35)

So, as you might expect, the people who had witnessed all this were pretty freaked out by now.

But on the morrow all the congregation of the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron, saying, Ye have killed the people of the LORD. Numbers 16.41

Then “the glory of the Lord” appeared (again).

Behold ... the glory of the LORD appeared. 16.42

And God tells Moses he’s going to kill everyone (again).

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Get you up from among this congregation, that I may consume them as in a moment. 16.44-45a

I think you can guess by now what Moses and Aaron did next.

They fell upon their faces. 16.45b

Then Moses told Aaron to burn some incense to try to stop God from killing everyone.

Moses said unto Aaron, Take a censer, and put fire therein from off the altar, and put on incense, and go quickly unto the congregation, and make an atonement for them: for there is wrath gone out from the LORD; the plague is begun. 16.46

And the incense burning worked. (Sometimes God will stop killing if you burn incense; sometimes he’ll burn you to death instead. He works in mysterious ways.) But not before 14,700 had died in the plague.

Now they that died in the plague were fourteen thousand and seven hundred, beside them that died about the matter of Korah. 16.49

So in this chapter (Numbers 16), God threatened to kill everyone twice, but settled for killing 14,959 in three separate killing events (nine or so buried alive, 250 burned to death, and 14,700 killed in a plague).

But don’t complain about it or he’ll kill you, too.

23. The massacre of the Aradites

Numbers 21.3

Estimated Number Killed: 3,000

Canaanites

Don’t you just hate God-assisted holy war massacres? I do. They’re so damned boring.

But we might as well get used to them because God likes them. A lot. There are about 50 holy war massacres on the list of God’s 135 killings in the Bible. So there’s just no way to avoid them.

Here’s what happened in this one.

King Arad heard that the Israelites were coming, so he fought against them when they tried to invade his land.

When king Arad the Canaanite, which dwelt in the south, heard tell that Israel came by the way of the spies; then he fought against Israel, and took some of them prisoners. Numbers 21.1

So the Israelites asked God for help, promising to kill everyone in several cities.

Israel vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou wilt indeed deliver this people into my hand, then I will utterly destroy their cities. 21.2

God didn’t have to think about this one. Here’s how he responded.

The LORD hearkened to the voice of Israel, and delivered up the Canaanites. 21.3a

So the Israelites, with God’s help, killed everyone in several Canaanite cities.

And they utterly destroyed them and their cities. 21.3b

I’m glad we got this one over with. It was pretty boring, wasn’t it?

God’s next killing will be better, I promise.

The Bible doesn’t tell us the population of the Aradite cities. So I guessed there were 3 cities, each with 1000 people, for a total of 3000 victims.

24. God sent fiery serpents to bite the people for complaining about the lack of food and water

Numbers 21.6

Estimated Number Killed: 100

Israelites

When it comes to this Bible story, there are only two kinds of believers: those who have never heard of it, and those who are embarrassed by it.

Here’s the story.

The Israelites began to complain about the lack of food and water.

The people spake against God, and against Moses, Wherefore have ye brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? for there is no bread, neither is there any water; and our soul loatheth this light bread. Numbers 21.5

So God sent fiery serpents to bite the people.

The LORD sent fiery serpents among the people. 21.6a

And many of the people died.

And they bit the people; and much people of Israel died. 21.6b

Then the people apologized to Moses and God for complaining, asking Moses to do something to get rid of God’s nasty fiery serpents.

Therefore the people came to Moses, and said, We have sinned, for we have spoken against the LORD, and against thee; pray unto the LORD, that he take away the serpents from us. And Moses prayed for the people. 21.7

God told Moses what to do. Make a fiery serpent out of brass (they had lots of that lying around) and put it on a pole. Then when a bitten person looks at it, he or she won’t die. (Only God could come up with a plan like that!)

The LORD said unto Moses, Make thee a fiery serpent, and set it upon a pole: and it shall come to pass, that every one that is bitten, when he looketh upon it, shall live. 21.8

So Moses made a brass snake and put it on a pole. And it worked just like God said it would.

Moses made a serpent of brass, and put it upon a pole, and it came to pass, that if a serpent had bitten any man, when he beheld the serpent of brass, he lived. 21.9

Now that’s a lot more entertaining than a damned holy war massacre, isn’t it?

(Numbers 21.6 says that “much of the people died.” But how much is much? I guessed 100.)

25. Phinehas' double murder: A killing to end God’s killing

Numbers 25.7-9

Number Killed: 24,002

Interracial couple and 24,000 plague victims

This is really a strange one, and I’m not sure what to do with it.

It all happens in the first few verses of Numbers 25, right after the story about Balaam’s talking donkey.

It begins with the people having sex with the daughters of Moab.

The people began to commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab. Numbers 25.1

After sex, they ate dinner with them and worshiped their gods.

They called the people unto the sacrifices of their gods: and the people did eat, and bowed down to their gods. 25.2

This angered God so much that he told Moses to kill all the leaders and hang their dead bodies up on trees so that he wouldn’t be so angry anymore.

The anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel. And the LORD said unto Moses, Take all the heads of the people, and hang them up before the LORD against the sun, that the fierce anger of the LORD may be turned away from Israel. 25.3-4

Now this probably wasn’t as bad as the King James Version makes it sound. “Take all the heads of the people, and hang them up before the Lord against the sun” sounds like God told Moses to cut off peoples’ heads and hang the heads on trees. That would be kind of nasty.

But no. God just wanted Moses to kill the leaders (“the heads of the people”) and hang their dead bodies on trees out in the sunshine so “that the fierce anger of the LORD may be turned away from Israel.” That’s not nearly so bad, now is it?

I can’t tell, though, whether Moses did what God asked. Here’s the next verse:

Moses said unto the judges of Israel, Slay ye every one his men that were joined unto Baalpeor. 25.5

Moses told the leaders (judges) to kill everyone who was “joined unto Baalpeor.” I don’t know if being joined to Baalpeor was having sex with the daughters of Moab or not. But clearly Moses wasn’t following orders here. God told him to kill the leaders and hang their bodies on trees; Moses told the leaders to kill the people who were joined to Baalpeor. Different thing entirely, I’d say.

Anyway, I guess neither God’s nor Moses’ plan was executed, because of what happened next:

Behold, one of the children of Israel came and brought unto his brethren a Midianitish woman in the sight of Moses, and in the sight of all the congregation of the children of Israel, who were weeping before the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. 25.6

And then the real hero of the story shows up. Phinehas. He sees the happy couple and sticks a spear through their bellies (while they were having sex?).

When Phinehas ... saw it, he rose up from among the congregation, and took a javelin in his hand; And he went after the man of Israel into the tent, and thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. 25.7-8a

This double murder made God so happy that he stopped killing everyone. You see, while Moses was trying to get the leaders to kill people who had sex with Moabite women and God was trying to get Moses to kill the leaders and hang their bodies on trees, God was also busy killing people with a plague.

So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel. And those that died in the plague were twenty and four thousand. 25.8b-9

Now God had planned to kill everyone, but he stopped with just 24,000 because of Phinehas’ holy double murder.

The LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Phinehas …hath turned my wrath away from the children of Israel, while he was zealous for my sake among them, that I consumed not the children of Israel in my jealousy. 25.10-11

[Paul said that only 23,000 died in the plague (1 Corinthians 10.8), but how would he know?]

So you see my problem here, don’t you? How many killings do we have here?

God told Moses to kill the leaders and hang their bodies on trees, but we don’t know whether Moses followed God’s command.

Moses told the leaders to kill whoever had sex with the Moabite women, but we don’t know if his order was carried out either.

Phinehas killed the two people having sex, but we don’t know whether God told him to or not. (Even though God was clearly pleased by the killing. So much, in fact that he quit killing after only 24,000 had died, when he’d planned to kill several million.)

And how many died in the plague? Was it 24,000 as Numbers 25:9 says or 23,000 as it says in 1 Corinthians 10.8?

So how do we keep score here? At least 24,000 people died (23,000 if we believe Paul), but in how many separate killing events? And should God get credit for Phinehas’ double murder?

I’ve decided to count Phinehas’ double murder and God’s plague in God’s killings. God clearly deserves credit for the plague, of course, but the Phinehas’ affair is less clear.

However both Moses and God ordered people to be killed either for having sex with the Midianites or for allowing them to do so (Numbers 25:3-5), and God was so pleased with the Phinehas’ killing that he stopped his own mass murder. So I think God deserves credit for either inspiring or directly ordering Phinehas’ murder of the interracial couple.

So I’m going to ignore Paul and go with 24,002 for this killing.

26. The Midianite massacre: Have you saved all the women alive?

Numbers 31.17-18

Estimated Number Killed: 200,000

Evi, Rekem, Zur, Hur, Reba, and Balaam

This is a Bible story that everyone should know.

It begins with God telling Moses to take vengeance on the Midianites. (He doesn’t say for what, but I guess it was for the sex and dinner party that brought on God’s 25th killing.)

The LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Avenge the children of Israel of the Midianites. Numbers 31.1-2

So Moses does what he’s told and sends off 12,000 men led by Phinehas (the guy who stopped God from killing everyone by impaling the interracial couple in the last killing) with his “holy instruments” and trumpets.

Moses spake unto the people, saying, Arm some of yourselves unto the war, and let them go against the Midianites, and avenge the LORD of Midian … So there were delivered … twelve thousand armed for war. And Moses sent them to the war, a thousand of every tribe, them and Phinehas the son of Eleazar the priest, to the war, with the holy instruments, and the trumpets to blow in his hand. 31.3-6

First they killed every male “as the LORD commanded Moses.”

They warred against the Midianites, as the LORD commanded Moses; and they slew all the males. 31.7

Next they killed five kings,

They slew the kings of Midian ... namely, Evi, and Rekem, and Zur, and Hur, and Reba, five kings of Midian. 31.8a
along with Balaam [the nice guy with the talking ass (Numbers 22.28-30)].

Balaam also … they slew with the sword. 31.8b

Then they took the women and children captive, collected their animals and valuables, burned the cities, and returned to Moses.

The children of Israel took all the women of Midian captives, and their little ones, and took the spoil of all their cattle, and all their flocks, and all their goods. 31.9

But Moses wasn’t pleased. Here’s what he said:

Moses was wroth with the officers ... Have ye saved all the women alive? Behold, these caused the children of Israel ... to commit trespass against the LORD … and there was a plague. 31.14-16

Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. 31.17-18

[You see, it was the Midianite women who had sex with the Israelites (25).]

So that’s what they did. They went back and killed all the non-virgin women, keeping the 32,000 virgins alive for themselves. (I’m not sure how they separated the virgins from the non-virgins, but God probably helped out with that.)

The booty, being … thirty and two thousand persons in all, of women that had not known man by lying with him. 31.32-35

Since there were 32,000 virgin women saved alive as booty, I figured there must have been about 200,000 killed in this episode, which would include all of the males (men, boys, babies) and non-virgin females.

27. God slowly killed the Israelite army

Deuteronomy 2.14-16

Estimated Number Killed: 500,000

Israelite soldiers

This is another strange one. For some reason God decided to slowly kill the entire Israelite army.

The space in which we came from Kadeshbarnea, until we were come over the brook Zered, was thirty and eight years; until all the generation of the men of war were wasted out from among the host, as the LORD sware unto them. For indeed the hand of the LORD was against them, to destroy them from among the host, until they were consumed. So … all the men of war were consumed and dead from among the people. Deuteronomy 2.14-16

It’s hard to understand, isn’t it? But it sure sounds like God killed the entire Israelite army—slowly—over a period of 38 years.

It’s not a very impressive killing, though, as God’s killings go. He mostly just waited for them all to die of natural causes. Prostate cancer, heart attack, stroke.

But God claims to have killed them all himself, so I guess we should give him credit. How many old soldiers do you think died because “the hand of the Lord was against them?”

Well, they started off with 603,550 soldiers.

All those that were numbered of the children of Israel … from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war in Israel … were six hundred thousand and three thousand and five hundred and fifty. Numbers 1.45-46

And the only people that the Bible mentions dying along the way are those that God killed, which total a bit over 50,000. But I suppose some people must have died of natural causes over the 38 year period. So I’ll just say that God killed 500,000 soldiers.

28. God the giant killer

Deuteronomy 2.20-23

Estimated Number Killed: 5,000

Giants

After God kills off the old soldiers in his early retirement program (27) and before the new, youthful army begins to kill again for him, he brags a bit about some of his past killings. He is especially proud of knocking off an entire race of giants, the Zamzummim.

That also was accounted a land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time; and the Ammonites call them Zamzummims; A people great, and many, and tall, as the Anakims; but the LORD destroyed them before them; and they succeeded them, and dwelt in their stead. Deuteronomy 2.20-21

There were a few other groups that God also killed that I don’t think I’ve accounted for yet: the Horim, Avim, and the Caphtorim.

As he did to the children of Esau, which dwelt in Seir, when he destroyed the Horims from before them; and they succeeded them, and dwelt in their stead even unto this day: And the Avims which dwelt in Hazerim, even unto Azzah, the Caphtorims, which came forth out of Caphtor, destroyed them, and dwelt in their stead. 2.22-23

The Bible doesn’t say how many were in these groups. So I’ll just guess 5,000 for the lot of them.

29. God hardens King Sihon’s heart so that all his people can be killed

Deuteronomy 2.33-36

Estimated Number Killed: 5,000

King Sihon and his cities

After God killed off all the old soldiers (27) and at least most of the giants (28), it was time to get what was left of the Israelite army moving again.

Rise ye up, take your journey, and pass over the river Arnon: behold, I have given into thine hand Sihon the Amorite, king of Heshbon, and his land: begin to possess it, and contend with him in battle. Deuteronomy 2.24

God tells them to terrorize the current occupants of the land they are about to steal. The entire world will fear, tremble, and anguish at the very thought of them.

This day will I begin to put the dread of thee and the fear of thee upon the nations that are under the whole heaven, who shall hear report of thee, and shall tremble, and be in anguish because of thee. 2.25

The Israelites begin by lying about their true intentions. They send messengers to King Sihon asking to pass through his land, promising to pay for food and water along the way.

I sent messengers … unto Sihon king of Heshbon with words of peace, saying, Let me pass through thy land: I will go along by the high way, I will neither turn unto the right hand nor to the left. Thou shalt sell me meat for money, that I may eat; and give me water for money, that I may drink: only I will pass through on my feet. 2.26-28

But then God runs into a bit of a problem. What if King Sihon agrees to let the Israelites pass through his land? Then the Israelites wouldn’t get to kill all of his people. So God has a brilliant idea: he’ll harden King Sihon’s heart so that he won’t let them pass. [It worked so well with the Pharaoh (9) that God thought he’d try it again here.]

But Sihon king of Heshbon would not let us pass by him: for the LORD thy God hardened his spirit, and made his heart obstinate, that he might deliver him into thy hand. 2.30

And God’s plan worked perfectly. After God hardened King Sihon’s heart, he refused to let the Israelites pass and fought to protect his land. Which gave God and the Israelites all the excuse they needed to kill the king along with every man, woman, and child in every city in the kingdom.

And the LORD our God delivered him before us; and we smote him, and his sons, and all his people. And we took all his cities at that time, and utterly destroyed the men, and the women, and the little ones, of every city, we left none to remain. … There was not one city too strong for us: the LORD our God delivered all unto us. 2.33-36

Sometimes God has to harden a heart in order to kill thousands of people.

Since everyone in every city was killed, and there seemed to be quite a few, I guessed 1000 were killed from each of five cities, for a total of 5000.

30. All the men, women, and children in 60 cities

Deuteronomy 3.3-6, Numbers 21.33-35

Estimated Number Killed: 60,000

Og and the people of Bashan

I suppose I could call this God’s 30th to 89th killings, since there must have been 60 separate killing events. If God did the killing himself, he could have done it all at once. But he was relying on people to do his killing for him, so it must have taken some time. First the Israelites had to go to city 1 and kill all the men, women, and children that lived there, then on to city 2, and so on up to the 60th city. But since the Bible lumps all 60 killings together, I will too.

The Bible doesn’t spend a lot of time on these killings. Only 4 verses.

So the LORD our God delivered into our hands Og also, the king of Bashan, and all his people: and we smote him until none was left to him remaining. And we took all his cities at that time, there was not a city which we took not from them, threescore cities, all the region of Argob, the kingdom of Og in Bashan. … And we utterly destroyed them, as we did unto Sihon king of Heshbon, utterly destroying the men, women, and children, of every city. Deuteronomy 3.3-6

(The story is also told in Numbers 21.33-35)

Although God is proud of all of his killings, he is especially proud of killing King Og and his people, since they were the last of the giants. Og, for example, had a bed that was 13.5 feet long!

For only Og king of Bashan remained of the remnant of giants; behold his bedstead … nine cubits was the length thereof, and four cubits the breadth of it, after the cubit of a man. 3.11

Here’s what Moses says when he’s encouraging Joshua to carry on God’s killing tradition.

Thine eyes have seen all that the LORD your God hath done unto these two kings: so shall the LORD do unto all the kingdoms whither thou passest. Ye shall not fear them: for the LORD your God he shall fight for you … For what God is there in heaven or in earth, that can do according to thy works, and according to thy might? 3.21-24

And Moses has a point here. What other god has killed as many as the God of the Bible?

(Since the Israelites killed everyone in 60 cities, I put the death toll at 60,000.)

31. The Jericho massacre

Joshua 6.21

Estimated Number Killed: 1,000

The people of Jericho

Jericho is one of God’s more famous killings. And believers seem to like it a lot. They sing songs about it, and tell their children about it.

Here’s how it goes.

God tells Joshua that he has given the city of Jericho into his hands and that he and his men should march around the city every day for six days with seven priests marching before the ark blowing seven trumpets made of rams’ horns.

The LORD said unto Joshua, See, I have given into thine hand Jericho, and the king thereof, and the mighty men of valour. And ye shall compass the city, all ye men of war, and go round about the city once. Thus shalt thou do six days. And seven priests shall bear before the ark seven trumpets of rams’ horns. Joshua 6.2-4a

On the seventh day the seven priests will march around seven times blowing their seven trumpets. They’ll make a long blast, everyone will yell, and the walls will fall down.

The seventh day ye shall compass the city seven times, and the priests shall blow with the trumpets. And it shall come to pass, that when they make a long blast with the ram’s horn, and when ye hear the sound of the trumpet, all the people shall shout with a great shout; and the wall of the city shall fall down flat. 6.4b-5

So the trumpets sounded and the people yelled and the walls came tumbling down.

On the seventh day… they compassed the city seven times. And … at the seventh time, when the priests blew with the trumpets, Joshua said unto the people, Shout; for the LORD hath given you the city. … So the people shouted when the priests blew with the trumpets: and … the wall fell down flat. 6.15-20

Then Joshua told the soldiers to kill everyone in the city as an offering to God, except for the prostitute, Rahab, and her family. But all the silver, gold, bronze, and iron belonged to God alone.

The city shall be accursed, even it, and all that are therein, to the LORD: only Rahab the harlot shall live, she and all that are with her in the house, because she hid the messengers that we sent. And ye, in any wise keep yourselves from the accursed thing, lest ye make yourselves accursed, when ye take of the accursed thing, and make the camp of Israel a curse, and trouble it. But all the silver, and gold, and vessels of brass and iron, are consecrated unto the LORD: they shall come into the treasury of the LORD. 6.17-19

So the soldiers went into the city and killed everything in it. Men, women, young, old, cattle, sheep, and donkeys. But they spared Rahab and her family.

They utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword. … And Joshua saved Rahab the harlot alive, and her father’s household, and all that she had 6.21-25

(Rahab and her family were spared because she protected the Israelite spies by lying about their whereabouts. I don’t know how they survived when the wall fell down, since her house was on the wall. I guess it was a miracle or something.)

Then they burned everything in the city, except for the gold, silver, iron, and bronze, which they put into God’s treasury.

They burnt the city with fire, and all that was therein: only the silver, and the gold, and the vessels of brass and of iron, they put into the treasury of the house of the LORD. 6.24

After destroying Jericho, Joshua said that whoever rebuilt the city would be cursed by God and be forced to sacrifice his oldest and youngest sons.

Joshua adjured them at that time, saying, Cursed be the man before the LORD, that riseth up and buildeth this city Jericho: he shall lay the foundation thereof in his firstborn, and in his youngest son shall he set up the gates of it. 6.26

(According to 1 Kings 16.34, this prophecy was fulfilled when Hiel rebuilt Jericho. God made him lay the foundation with the body of his oldest son and set up the gates with his youngest son’s body “according to the word of the Lord.”)

Estimated number killed: 1000.

32. Achan and his family are stoned and burned to death

Joshua 7.24-26

Estimated Number Killed: At least 5

Achan and his family

The story begins with Joshua sending spies to the land of Ai. The spies return saying Ai would be easy to conquer, requiring only a few thousand men.

Joshua sent men from Jericho to Ai … and spake unto them, saying, Go up and view the country. And the men went up and viewed Ai. And they returned to Joshua, and said …let about two or three thousand men go up and smite Ai … for they are but few. Joshua 7.2-3

So Joshua sent 3,000 soldiers, but they were defeated by the men of Ai, who killed about 36 of them.

So there went up thither of the people about three thousand men: and they fled before the men of Ai. And the men of Ai smote of them about thirty and six men. 7.4-5

When Joshua heard what had happened, he tore his clothes, fell on his face, and put dirt on his head, thereby proving that he was a real Bible character.

Joshua rent his clothes, and fell to the earth upon his face before the ark of the LORD until the eventide, he and the elders of Israel, and put dust upon their heads. 7.6

He then asked God why they were defeated.

Joshua said, Alas, O LORD God, wherefore hast thou at all brought this people over Jordan, to deliver us into the hand of the Amorites, to destroy us? 7.7

God told Joshua to get up off his face.

The LORD said unto Joshua, Get thee up; wherefore liest thou thus upon thy face? 7.10

And then God said that the Israelites were defeated by Ai because someone took an accursed thing during the Jericho Massacre.

Israel hath sinned … for they have even taken of the accursed thing … and they have put it even among their own stuff. Therefore the children of Israel could not stand before their enemies, but turned their backs before their enemies, because they were accursed: neither will I be with you any more, except ye destroy the accursed from among you. 7.11-12

God told Joshua what he needed to do to get back to successful genocide: burn to death the man with the accursed thing, along with his family.

He that is taken with the accursed thing shall be burnt with fire, he and all that he hath. 7.15

God even pointed out the guy. His name was Achan.

In the morning therefore ye shall be brought according to your tribes: and it shall be, that the tribe which the LORD taketh shall come according to the families thereof; and the family which the LORD shall take shall come by households; and the household which the LORD shall take shall come man by man. … So Joshua rose up early in the morning, and brought Israel by their tribes; and the tribe of Judah was taken: And he brought the family of Judah; and he took the family of the Zarhites: and he brought the family of the Zarhites man by man; and Zabdi was taken: And he brought his household man by man; and Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, of the tribe of Judah, was taken. 7.14-18

So Joshua ordered Achan to confess.

Joshua said unto Achan … make confession unto him; and tell me now what thou hast done; hide it not from me. 7.19

And he did.

Achan answered Joshua, and said, Indeed I have sinned against the LORD God of Israel, and thus and thus have I done: When I saw among the spoils a goodly Babylonish garment, and two hundred shekels of silver, and a wedge of gold of fifty shekels weight, then I coveted them, and took them; and, behold, they are hid in the earth in the midst of my tent, and the silver under it. 7.20-21

Joshua then rounded up Achan, his family, his livestock, and all their possessions. “And all Israel stoned them with stones and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones.” And that made God less angry.

And Joshua …took Achan … and his sons, and his daughters, and his oxen, and his asses, and his sheep … And Joshua said, Why hast thou troubled us? the LORD shall trouble thee this day. And all Israel stoned him with stones, and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones. … So the LORD turned from the fierceness of his anger. 7.24-26

Since Achan’s sons and daughters were stoned and burned along with him, there must have been at least 5 victims here. (No mention is made of his wife.)

33. The Ai massacre

Joshua 8.21-29

Number Killed: 12,000

The king and people of Ai

After stoning and burning to death Achan and his family (32), Joshua was back in the genocide business.

God told Joshua to do unto Ai as they did unto Jericho, except that this time the Israelites could keep some of the loot for themselves (instead of giving it all to him).

Thou shalt do to Ai and her king as thou didst unto Jericho and her king: only the spoil thereof, and the cattle thereof, shall ye take for a prey unto yourselves. Joshua 8.2

So that’s what they did.

They killed the soldiers,

Joshua and all Israel … slew the men of Ai ... so that they let none of them remain or escape. 8.21-22
murdered all the women and children,

Joshua drew not his hand back, wherewith he stretched out the spear, until he had utterly destroyed all the inhabitants of Ai. 8.26
burned the city,

Joshua burnt Ai, and made it an heap for ever. 8.28
killed the King of Ai, and hung his dead body on a tree.

The king of Ai he hanged on a tree until eventide. 8.29

Just like God told them to do.

And, finally, after they were done killing all the people, Joshua killed some animals as a “peace offering” to his bloody god of war.

Then Joshua built an altar unto the LORD ... and ... offered thereon burnt offerings unto the LORD, and sacrificed peace offerings. 8:30-31

One thing I really like about this story (What’s not to like?) is that this time I don’t have to guess the number of victims. The Bible tells us how many were killed: 12,000.

And … all that fell that day, both of men and women, were twelve thousand. 8.25

34. God stops the sun so that Joshua can get his killing done in the daylight

Joshua 10.10-12

Estimated Number Killed: 5,000

Amorites

Joshua and the Israelites slaughtered or enslaved the people from every city that they came across. They killed everyone in Jericho (31) and Ai (33) and enslaved the people of Gibeon (Joshua 9.21-27). So the neighboring cities were getting kind of nervous.

Five kings from these cities (the Amorite coalition) decided to attack the Israelites. Then God gets involved.

God tells Joshua not to worry; he has given the Amorites into Joshua’s hand, and the Amorites would just run away when they were attacked.

The LORD said unto Joshua, Fear them not: for I have delivered them into thine hand; there shall not a man of them stand before thee. Joshua 10.8

So Joshua attacked, but it was God who did most of the dirty work. He “discomfited them” and even “chased them along the way.”

The LORD discomfited them before Israel, and slew them with a great slaughter at Gibeon, and chased them along the way. 10.10

But God was just getting started. He threw down from heaven giant hailstones and killed even more Amorite soldiers than the Israelite army.

The LORD cast down great stones from heaven upon them unto Azekah, and they died: they were more which died with hailstones than they whom the children of Israel slew with the sword. 10.11

Then God made the sun and moon stop moving for 24 hours so that Joshua would have plenty of daylight to finish killing off the Amorites. (It was this verse, among others, that got Galileo in so much trouble. If God stopped the sun from moving, then the sun moves around the earth.)

Then spake Joshua to the LORD in the day when the LORD delivered up the Amorites ... Sun, stand thou still upon Gibeon; and thou, Moon, in the valley of Ajalon. And the sun stood still, and the moon stayed, until the people had avenged themselves upon their enemies. ... So the sun stood still in the midst of heaven, and hasted not to go down about a whole day. 10.12-13

So in this killing, God got directly involved. He slaughtered people, “chased them along the way,” cast down huge hailstones from heaven, and, at Joshua’s request, he stopped the sun from moving for 24 hours. You just can’t ask much more from a God than that.

Here’s how the Bible puts it.

There was no day like that before it or after it, that the LORD hearkened unto the voice of a man: for the LORD fought for Israel. 10.14

(Since the Amorite coalition consisted of 5 cities, I put the number killed at 5000. 1000 for each city.)

35. Five kings killed and hung on trees

Joshua 10.20-26

Estimated Number Killed: 10,000

Five Amorite Kings and their soldiers

In his last killing (34), God got right in there and “fought for Israel.” He “discomfited them ... and slew them with a great slaughter ... and chased them along the way.” He “cast down great stones from heaven” and made the sun (and moon) stand still still so that Joshua could get his killing done in the broad daylight. God hadn’t been so busy since he made all the stars in a single day.

But while God was busy chasing people, throwing stones, and stopping the sun and the moon from moving, the five kings got away. They were holed up in a cave like Bin Laden.

But these five kings fled, and hid themselves in a cave at Makkedah. Joshua 10.16

When the Israelites found them, Joshua told them to roll some big stones over the mouth of the cave to trap them, and then chase and kill any of the Amorite soldiers that were trying to get away. He told them to “smite the hindmost of them” (kick their butts).

Pursue after your enemies, and smite the hindmost of them; suffer them not to enter into their cities: for the LORD your God hath delivered them into your hand. 10.19

So that’s what they did.

And it came to pass, when Joshua and the children of Israel had made an end of slaying them with a very great slaughter, till they were consumed. 10.20

Then they opened up the cave and brought the five kings to Joshua. He and his captains then do something strange: they put their feet on the necks of the kings.

Joshua ... said unto the captains of the men of war which went with him, Come near, put your feet upon the necks of these kings. And they came near, and put their feet upon the necks of them. 10.24

While they are doing this, Joshua says

Thus shall the LORD do to all your enemies against whom ye fight. 10.25

So I guess God does this to his enemies, too.

After Joshua withdraws his feet from the kings’ necks, he does what he does best: he kills them.

Joshua smote them, and slew them. 10.26a

And hangs their dead bodies on trees until evening.

And hanged them on five trees: and they were hanging upon the trees until the evening. 10.26b

Then he took down their bodies, put them back in the cave that they were hiding in, and covered the entrance to the cave with a bunch of rocks. The rocks are still there to this day. No kidding.

They took them down off the trees, and cast them into the cave wherein they had been hid, and laid great stones in the cave’s mouth, which remain until this very day. 10.27

(I put the death toll for the “very great slaughter” of Joshua 10.20 at 10,000.)

36. Joshua utterly destroyed all that breathed as the Lord God commanded

Joshua 10.28-42

Estimated Number Killed: 7,000

Seven kings and all their people

The title pretty much says it all on this one. It’s kind of boring reading though.

Joshua took Makkedah, and smote it with the edge of the sword, and the king thereof he utterly destroyed, them, and all the souls that were therein; he let none remain : and he did to the king of Makkedah as he did unto the king of Jericho. Joshua 10.28

The same thing happens in the same way seven times, all in about a dozen verses or so.

Then Joshua ... fought against Libnah: And the LORD delivered it also ... and he smote it with the edge of the sword, and all the souls that were therein; he let none remain. 10.29-30

The LORD delivered Lachish into the hand of Israel, which took it … and smote it with the edge of the sword, and all the souls that were therein. 10.32

Then Horam king of Gezer came up to help Lachish; and Joshua smote him and his people, until he had left him none remaining. 10.33

Joshua passed unto Eglon … and smote it with the edge of the sword, and all the souls that were therein he utterly destroyed that day. 10.34-35

Joshua went up … unto Hebron; and they fought against it: And they took it, and smote it with the edge of the sword, and the king thereof, and all the cities thereof, and all the souls that were therein; he left none remaining. 10.36-37

Joshua returned, and all Israel with him, to Debir; and fought against it: And he took it, and the king thereof, and all the cities thereof; and they smote them with the edge of the sword, and utterly destroyed all the souls that were therein; he left none remaining. 10.38-39

So Joshua smote all the country of the hills, and of the south, and of the vale, and of the springs, and all their kings: he left none remaining, but utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the LORD God of Israel commanded. 10.40

And all these kings and their land did Joshua take at one time, because the LORD God of Israel fought for Israel. 10.42

So God delivered seven kingdoms and Joshua killed everyone in each kingdom “with the edge of the sword.”

And you can’t blame it all on Joshua, either. He was just following orders, destroying everything that breathed, “as the Lord God of Israel commanded.”

(Estimated number of victims: 7000, 1000 from each of seven cities.)

37. The genocide of twenty kingdoms

Joshua 11.6-20

Estimated Number Killed: 20,000

Jabin, Jobab, and the people of Hazor

In God’s last killing (36), everyone in seven cities was massacred, along with the kings, with the land taken by the Israelites. When King Jabin of Hazor heard about it, he sent a letter to all the surrounding kingdoms (those that hadn’t yet been slaughtered by the Israelites) to form a coalition to defend against the Israelites.

When Jabin king of Hazor had heard those things, that he sent to Jobab king of Madon, and to the king of Shimron, and to the king of Achshaph, And to the kings that were on the north of the mountains, and of the plains south of Chinneroth, and in the valley, and in the borders of Dor on the west, And to the Canaanite on the east and on the west, and to the Amorite, and the Hittite, and the Perizzite, and the Jebusite in the mountains, and to the Hivite under Hermon in the land of Mizpeh. Joshua 11.1-3

And it worked, too. All the kings (around 20 or so) joined the coalition, forming an army with more soldiers than the grains of sand on all the ocean’s beaches.

And they went out, they and all their hosts with them, much people, even as the sand that is upon the sea shore in multitude, with horses and chariots very many. And when all these kings were met together, they came and pitched together at the waters of Merom, to fight against Israel. 11.4-5

But God told Joshua not to be afraid because tomorrow he would kill them all and deliver their dead bodies to Joshua.

The LORD said unto Joshua, Be not afraid because of them: for to morrow about this time will I deliver them up all slain before Israel. 11.6a

God told Joshua to hamstring (“hough” in the KJV) their horses and burn their chariots.

The LORD said unto Joshua ... thou shalt hough their horses, and burn their chariots with fire. 11.6b

And that’s what happened.

The LORD delivered them into the hand of Israel, who smote them … until they left them none remaining. And Joshua did unto them as the LORD bade him: he houghed their horses, and burnt their chariots with fire. 11.8-9

The Israelites killed the King Jabin of Hazor and his people until “there was not any left to breathe.”

Joshua … took Hazor, and smote the king thereof with the sword: for Hazor beforetime was the head of all those kingdoms. And they smote all the souls that were therein with the edge of the sword, utterly destroying them: there was not any left to breathe: and he burnt Hazor with fire. 11.10-11

Then they did the same to all of the other kings and cities in King Jabin’s coalition.

All the cities of those kings, and all the kings of them, did Joshua take, and smote them with the edge of the sword, and he utterly destroyed them, as Moses the servant of the LORD commanded. 11.12

Joshua, of course, killed all the kings.

So Joshua took ... all their kings ... and smote them, and slew them. 11.16-17

But the most disgusting thing about this whole bloody, genocidal affair is that it was completely unnecessary. God purposefully hardened the kings’ hearts so that he would have an excuse to kill them, along with all the men, women, children, and babies in their kingdoms.

For it was of the LORD to harden their hearts, that they should come against Israel in battle, that he might destroy them utterly, and that they might have no favour, but that he might destroy them, as the LORD commanded Moses. 11.20

(I estimated 20,000 for this killing, 1000 from each kingdom.)

38. The Anakim: Some more giant killing

Joshua 11.21-22

Estimated Number Killed: 5,000

The Anakim (giants)

We’ve finally made it to the last of God’s killings in Joshua. And although this one is pretty unspectacular, it does involve some giant killing.

If you remember back in killing 28, God killed everyone in the “land of the giants.” Here he helps Joshua do it again.

The victims were the Anakim, who are described elsewhere in the Bible (Deuteronomy 1.28, 2.10, 2.21, and 9.2) as “a people great and tall”—which is biblespeak for “giants.”

Joshua ... cut off the Anakims from the mountains, from Hebron, from Debir, from Anab, and from all the mountains of Judah, and from all the mountains of Israel: Joshua destroyed them utterly with their cities. There was none of the Anakims left in the land of the children of Israel. Joshua 11.21-22

Since Joshua utterly destroyed all their cities and no Anakim were left alive, I estimated the number of victims to be 5000.

39. The Lord delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites

Judges 1.4

Number Killed: 10,000

Canaanites and the Perizzites

After Joshua died, the Israelites wondered who was going to do their killing for them. So they asked God.

After the death of Joshua …the children of Israel asked the LORD, saying, Who shall go up for us against the Canaanites first, to fight against them? Judges 1.1

Well, at least they asked the right person.

God told them not to worry; he had selected the tribe of Judah to kill the Canaanites and steal their land.

The LORD said, Judah shall go up: behold, I have delivered the land into his hand. 1.2

The first killing was easy, since God delivered them into their hand, killing 10,000 Canaanites and Perizzites.

Judah went up; and the LORD delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites into their hand: and they slew of them in Bezek ten thousand men. 1.4

After the Bezek massacre, they captured king Adonibezek and cut off his thumbs and big toes.

But Adonibezek fled; and they pursued after him, and caught him, and cut off his thumbs and his great toes. 1.6

Which I guess was to pay him back for doing the same to seventy other kings. (Adonibezek fed his table scraps to seventy thumbless and big toe-less kings who lived under his dinner table.)

Adonibezek said, Threescore and ten kings, having their thumbs and their great toes cut off, gathered their meat under my table: as I have done, so God hath requited me. 1.7a

Then they brought Adonibezek to Jerusalem, where he died.

And they brought him to Jerusalem, and there he died. 1.7b

40. The Jerusalem massacre

Judges 1.8

Estimated Number Killed: 1,000

The people of Jerusalem

This is one of the Bible’s shorter stories, so it’s easy to miss. All the action is packed into one verse.

Now the children of Judah had fought against Jerusalem, and had taken it, and smitten it with the edge of the sword, and set the city on fire. Judges 1.8

This verse doesn’t say that God had anything to do with the massacre, but the context makes it clear that he did. God chose the tribe of Judah to kill the Canaanites and “delivered them into their hand.”

Now after the death of Joshua it came to pass, that the children of Israel asked the LORD, saying, Who shall go up for us against the Canaanites first, to fight against them? And the LORD said, Judah shall go up: behold, I have delivered the land into his hand ... And Judah went up; and the LORD delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites into their hand. 1:1-4

So God deserves the credit (or the blame) for the Jerusalem massacre, along with the other killings in Judges 1.

Since this was just an ordinary massacre, I gave 1000 for the number of victims.

41. Five massacres, a wedding, and some God-proof iron chariots

Judges 1.10-25

Estimated Number Killed: 5,000

Five cities

This is a hodgepodge of killings from the rest of Judges 1.

After the Jerusalem Massacre (40), the “children of Judah” go on a God-assisted smiting spree, wiping out a bunch of kingdoms “with the edge of the sword.”

You can read all about it in Judges 1.10-25, if you really want to.

It’s hard to say how many cities were massacred. But there were at least five: three in Hebron, one in Zephath and Bethel.

Judah went against the Canaanites that dwelt in Hebron … and they slew Sheshai, and Ahiman, and Talmai. Judges 1.10

Judah went with Simeon his brother, and they slew the Canaanites that inhabited Zephath, and utterly destroyed it. 1.17

And they also went up against Bethel: and the LORD was with them. … And the spies saw a man come forth out of the city, and they said unto him, Shew us, we pray thee, the entrance into the city, and we will shew thee mercy. And when he shewed them the entrance into the city, they smote the city with the edge of the sword; but they let go the man and all his family. 1.22-25

And there would have been a lot more if it weren’t for those damned iron chariots. Some things are just too hard, even for God.

The LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron. 1.19

(Since five cities were massacred, I gave it the usual 1000 per city for a total of 5000.)

42. The Lord delivered Chushanrishathaim

Judges 3.10

Estimated Number Killed: 1,000

Chushanrishathaim and his soldiers

God was angry at the Israelites for ignoring him in favor of other gods.

The children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD, and forgat the LORD their God, and served Baalim and the groves. Judges 3.7

So he did what any good god would do and sold the Israelites into slavery. Chushanrishathaim was the happy buyer.

Therefore the anger of the LORD was hot against Israel, and he sold them into the hand of Chushanrishathaim king of Mesopotamia. 3.8a

The Israelites were Chushanrishathaim’s slaves for eight years. But then the Israelites cried out together in unison to the Lord and he “raised up” Othniel, who was Caleb’s nephew and the first “judge” of Israel.

The children of Israel served Chushanrishathaim eight years. And when the children of Israel cried unto the LORD, the LORD raised up a deliverer to the children of Israel, who delivered them, even Othniel the son of Kenaz, Caleb’s younger brother. 3.8b-9

And then “the spirit of the Lord came upon Othniel ... and he went out to war.”

The Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he judged Israel, and went out to war. 3.10a

Whom did Othniel go to war with? Chushanrishathaim—the guy that God sold the Israelites to.

The LORD delivered Chushanrishathaim king of Mesopotamia into his hand; and his hand prevailed against Chushanrishathaim. 3.10b

The Bible doesn’t say how many of King Chushy’s soldiers were killed in this holy war. I’ll just guess the usual 1000.

43. Ehud delivers a message from God

Judges 3.21-22

Number Killed: 1

Eglon

Remember how in his last killing (42), God was so angry at the Israelites for worshiping other gods that he sold them as slaves to King Chushy?

Yeah, well, pretty much the same thing happens here, except the names, places, and times change.

The Israelites do evil in the sight of the Lord.

The children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD. Judges 3.12a

God gives or sells them to somebody else (Eglon, the king of Moab, this time around).

The LORD strengthened Eglon the king of Moab against Israel ... So the children of Israel served Eglon the king of Moab eighteen years. 3.12b-14

The Israelites cried out to God again (“Yahweh!, Yahweh!”).

But when the children of Israel cried unto the LORD 3.15a

God raised up a hero for them, a left-handed guy named Ehud.

The LORD raised them up a deliverer, Ehud … a man lefthanded. 3.15b

Who God sent to deliver a present to Eglon.

And by him the children of Israel sent a present unto Eglon the king of Moab. 3.15c

Ehud’s present to Eglon was a message from God: a knife blade in his belly pushed in so far that “the dirt (feces) came out.”

Ehud made him a dagger which had two edges, of a cubit length; and he did gird it under his raiment upon his right thigh. And he brought the present unto Eglon king of Moab: and Eglon was a very fat man ... And Ehud said, I have a message from God unto thee. ... And Ehud put forth his left hand, and took the dagger from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly: And the haft also went in after the blade; and the fat closed upon the blade, so that he could not draw the dagger out of his belly; and the dirt came out. 3.16-22

God has a funny way of communicating, doesn’t he?

44. God delivers 10,000 lusty Moabites

Judges 3.29

Moabites

Number Killed: 10,000

After Ehud delivered God’s message to Eglon (a knife blade in the belly), he blew a trumpet to summon all the Israelites.

Ehud … blew a trumpet … and the children of Israel went down with him. Judges 3.26-27

Then he told the people:

Follow after me: for the LORD hath delivered your enemies the Moabites into your hand. 3.28

So they followed Ehud and God helped them kill 10,000 lusty Moabites.

And they slew of Moab at that time about ten thousand men, all lusty, and all men of valour; and there escaped not a man. 3.29

Kind of boring, I know. But sometimes God runs out of imaginative ways of killing people.

45. Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad

Judges 3.31

Number Killed: 600

Philistines

The entire story takes place in just one verse.

Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad. “And he also delivered Israel.”

Shamgar … slew of the Philistines six hundred men with an ox goad: and he also delivered Israel. Judges 3.31

The inspired storyteller obviously viewed this mass killing as a glorious, noble, and wonderful thing. To him it is every bit as cool as Ehud’s message from God (43).

But I suspect that God not only approved of this killing, he assisted with it. How else could one man kill 600 Philistines with a pointy stick?

46. Barak and God massacre the Canaanites

Judges 4.15-16

Estimated Number Killed: 1,000

Canaanites

This is just another variation of the same old story. So if you’ve been following along, you can predict what’s going to happen.

The Israelites did evil in the sight of the Lord.

The children of Israel again did evil in the sight of the LORD. Judges 4.1

So God sells them into slavery.

The LORD sold them into the hand of Jabin … the captain of whose host was Sisera. 4.2

The Israelites cry out to the Lord.

The children of Israel cried unto the LORD: for he had nine hundred chariots of iron. 4.3

God slaughtered the people that he sold the Israelites to.

The LORD discomfited Sisera [the captain of King Jabin’s army], and all his chariots, and all his host, with the edge of the sword … and all the host of Sisera fell upon the edge of the sword; and there was not a man left. 4.15-16

This story is more interesting than most, though, because one of the characters is named Barak. (Although Barack Obama’s first name is not derived from this biblical character, believers sometimes like to pretend otherwise.)

Here are the details about Barak.

After Ehud dies, a woman becomes the leader of the Israelites. Her name is Deborah and she is called a prophetess and judge. She sat under a palm tree and everyone “came up to her for judgment.”

Deborah, a prophetess … judged Israel at that time. And she dwelt under the palm tree of Deborah … and the children of Israel came up to her for judgment. Judges 4.4-5

One day she summoned Barak and told him to take 10,000 soldiers to fight Sisera.

She sent and called Barak … and said unto him … the LORD God of Israel commanded, saying … take with thee ten thousand men … to … Sisera, the captain of Jabin’s army, with his chariots and his multitude; and I will deliver him into thine hand. 4.6-7

Barak, who was a bit of a chicken shit, said:

If thou wilt go with me, then I will go: but if thou wilt not go with me, then I will not go. 4.8

Deborah said that she would go with him and that God would deliver Sisera into the hands of a woman.

She said, I will surely go with thee … for the LORD shall sell Sisera into the hand of a woman. And Deborah arose, and went with Barak. 4.9

So Deborah and Barak go off to fight in God’s holy war. Guess what happens.

The LORD discomfited Sisera, and all his chariots, and all his host, with the edge of the sword ... and all the host of Sisera fell upon the edge of the sword; and there was not a man left. 4.15-16

That’s right. God confused Sisera’s army, forcing them to either kill each other or kill themselves. No one survived.

Except Sisera, that is. Somehow he got away. Don’t worry, though. God will take care of him in his next killing.

(Since the Bible doesn’t say how many were killed, I gave it the usual 1000.)

47. Jael pounds a tent stake through a sleeping man’s skull

Judges 4.21

Number Killed: 1

Sisera

In God’s last killing (46), God “discomfited” the Canaanite army, causing them all to be killed. (It’s not clear how God did this, but he probably forced them to kill each other. He likes doing stuff like that.)

But Sisera, the captain of the Canaanite army, somehow managed to escape. And that night he passed by Heber’s tent (Heber was an ally of the Canaanites), which is where Jael enters the story.

Jael was Heber’s wife and she came out to greet Sisera, inviting him to stay the night in their tent. She prepared a bed for him, gave him a bottle of milk, and tucked him in for the night.

Jael went out to meet Sisera, and said unto him, Turn in, my lord, turn in to me; fear not. And when he had turned in unto her into the tent, she covered him with a mantle. And he said unto her, Give me, I pray thee, a little water to drink; for I am thirsty. And she opened a bottle of milk, and gave him drink, and covered him. Judges 4.18-19

Then, after he was asleep, she drove a tent stake through his head.

Then Jael Heber’s wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground: for he was fast asleep and weary. So he died. 4.21

OK, so what, you say. Why blame this killing on God?

Because God blamed it on himself. Deborah, who was a prophetess, said the killing would take place, and that God would take an active part.

The LORD shall sell Sisera into the hand of a woman. 4.9

After the killing Deborah even wrote a little song about Jael and her blessed hammer.

Blessed above women shall Jael the wife of Heber the Kenite be,
blessed shall she be above women.

He asked water, and she gave him milk;
she brought forth butter in a lordly dish.

She put her hand to the nail,
and her right hand to the workmen’s hammer;

and with the hammer she smote Sisera, she smote off his head,
when she had pierced and stricken through his temples. 5.24-26

So there you have it. Jael is the most blessed of all women. I think there’s even a well-known prayer about it. It goes like this:

Hail Jael, full of grace. The Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women....

Or maybe I’m confusing it with another prayer.

48. Gideon's story: The Lord set every man’s sword against his fellow

Judges 7.22-25, 8.10

Number Killed: 120,000

Oreb, Zeeb, Zebah, and Zalmunna and Midianite soldiers

Here’s a story about Gideon. You know, they guy they named the hotel room Bible after.

It starts out in the usual way:

The children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD. Judges 6.1a

The LORD delivered them into the hand of Midian. 6.1b

The children of Israel cried unto the LORD. 6.7

And God kills all the guys that he sold them to. (Midianites this time around.)

Here’s the long version.

An angel of the Lord was sitting under an oak tree when he saw Gideon threshing some wheat. So he started up a conversation with him.

The angel of the LORD appeared unto him, and said unto him, The LORD is with thee, thou mighty man of valour. 6.12

And then God joined in.

The LORD looked upon him, and said, Go in this thy might, and thou shalt save Israel from the hand of the Midianites: have not I sent thee? ... And the LORD said unto him, Surely I will be with thee, and thou shalt smite the Midianites as one man. 6.14-16

So Gideon has a three-way conversation with the angel and God, but he doesn’t believe either of them. He demands a sign.

Shew me a sign. 6.17

But first, he runs off to slaughter a goat. And then, guess what happened.

Then the angel of the LORD put forth the end of the staff ... and touched the flesh and the unleavened cakes; and there rose up fire out of the rock, and consumed the flesh and the unleavened cakes. 6.21

Yep. The angel touched the bloody, dead goat and it burst into flames.

A neat trick, but it still didn’t convince Gideon. He needed another sign to prove that God wasn’t lying to him. So he put some wool on the ground and asked God to make it wet, while keeping the surrounding ground dry.

Gideon said unto God ... Behold, I will put a fleece of wool in the floor; and if the dew be on the fleece only, and it be dry upon all the earth beside, then shall I know that thou wilt save Israel by mine hand, as thou hast said. 6.36-37

And God passed that test, no sweat.

And it was so: for he rose up early on the morrow, and thrust the fleece together, and wringed the dew out of the fleece, a bowl full of water. 6.38

Now you might think that would be enough proof for Gideon. But no. He’s still not sure he can trust God, so he asks God to reverse the trick, and make the ground wet and the wool dry.

Gideon said unto God, Let not thine anger be hot against me, and I will speak but this once: let me prove, I pray thee, but this once with the fleece; let it now be dry only upon the fleece, and upon all the ground let there be dew. 6.39

And God did that trick, too!

And God did so. 6.40

So God passed all of Gideon’s tests and Gideon and God got down to business. But first, they had to find some accomplices.

I’m not sure how this could happen, but in Judges it always happens this way. The Israelites were enslaved, but somehow they managed to keep a huge, well-equipped army. I guess they did this so they’d be ready when they cry out to God and he decides to kill the guys that he sold them to.

Well, this time is no different. The Israelite slaves had a big army, too big, in fact, for God’s liking. He worried that if they killed all the Midianites with a big army, no one would believe that it was God that did the killing. And God wants all the credit for his killings.

The LORD said unto Gideon, The people that are with thee are too many for me to give the Midianites into their hands, lest Israel vaunt themselves against me, saying, Mine own hand hath saved me. 7.2

So God tells Gideon to get rid of some of the men. Start with the chicken shits.

Now therefore go to, proclaim in the ears of the people, saying, Whosoever is fearful and afraid, let him return and depart early from mount Gilead. And there returned of the people twenty and two thousand; and there remained ten thousand. 7.3

That got rid of 22,000. But 10,000 were still there, which was still too many. But God had a plan.

God told Gideon to have the soldiers go down to the water to get a drink. Those that lap the water “as a dog lappeth” are the natural-born killers that he’s looking for, while those that get down on their knees to use a cup or their hands should be sent home.

So he brought down the people unto the water: and the LORD said unto Gideon, Every one that lappeth of the water with his tongue, as a dog lappeth, him shalt thou set by himself; likewise every one that boweth down upon his knees to drink. 7.5

So Gideon had them all go down to the water to get a drink. Out of the 10,000 non-chicken shits, only 300 lapped water like a dog. Those were the few good men that God was looking for.

The number of them that lapped, putting their hand to their mouth, were three hundred men ... And the LORD said unto Gideon, By the three hundred men that lapped will I save you. 7.6-7

You see, God knows that real men pee standing up and lap water like dogs.

Now the Bible tells us that there were gazillions of Midianites. They were like grasshoppers. Like the sands of the seashore. Like that.

The Midianites and the Amalekites and all the children of the east lay along in the valley like grasshoppers for multitude; and their camels were without number, as the sand by the sea side for multitude. 7.12

Which is strange since God killed every male Midianite during the time of Moses (26), and yet here, 250 years later, they flourish like grasshoppers “without number.”

Was Gideon worried about attacking a gazillion Midianites with 300 water lappers?

No. Because some guy had a dream about barley cakes and tents, and that guy told some other guy about the dream that he had, and then later Gideon heard about it.

Behold, there was a man that told a dream unto his fellow, and said, Behold, I dreamed a dream, and, lo, a cake of barley bread tumbled into the host of Midian, and came unto a tent, and smote it that it fell, and overturned it, that the tent lay along. And his fellow answered and said, This is nothing else save the sword of Gideon … for into his hand hath God delivered Midian, and all the host. And it was so, when Gideon heard the telling of the dream, and the interpretation thereof, that he worshiped, and returned into the host of Israel, and said, Arise; for the LORD hath delivered into your hand the host of Midian. 7.13-15

But enough with the dreams. It’s time to get down to killing. Gideon gives each dog-lapper a trumpet and a pitcher with a lamp in it.

He … put a trumpet in every man’s hand, with empty pitchers, and lamps within the pitchers. 7.16

And tells them:

When I blow with a trumpet ... then blow ye the trumpets also on every side of all the camp, and say, The sword of the LORD, and of Gideon. 7.18

And that’s what they did.

And the three companies blew the trumpets, and brake the pitchers, and held the lamps in their left hands, and the trumpets in their right hands to blow withal: and they cried, The sword of the LORD, and of Gideon. 7.20

Great idea, eh? But it didn’t really do anything. It was God that did all the dirty work by forcing the gazillions of Midianites to kill each other.

The LORD set every man’s sword against his fellow. 7:22

The story gets a bit confused after that. Two princes are caught, decapitated, and their heads are brought to Gideon.

They took two princes of the Midianites, Oreb and Zeeb; and they slew Oreb … and Zeeb … and brought the heads of Oreb and Zeeb to Gideon. 7.25

Then the princes of Succoth question Gideon’s leadership.

The princes of Succoth said, Are the hands of Zebah and Zalmunna now in thine hand, that we should give bread unto thine army? 8.6

And he promises to come back and torture them later.

Gideon said,Therefore when the LORD hath delivered Zebah and Zalmunna into mine hand, then I will tear your flesh with the thorns of the wilderness and with briers. 8.7

Then Gideon defeats Zebah and Zalmunna (the Midianite kings).

When Zebah and Zalmunna fled, he pursued after them, and took the two kings of Midian, Zebah and Zalmunna, and discomfited all the host. 8.12

And then comes back to Succoth to torture the elders (like he promised he would) and kill the men in their city.

He took the elders of the city, and thorns of the wilderness and briers, and with them he taught the men of Succoth. And he … slew the men of the city. 8.16-17

Gideon then tells his oldest son to kill Zebah and Zalmunna.

He said unto Jether his firstborn, Up, and slay them. But the youth drew not his sword: for he feared. 8.20

But he ends up having to do it himself, since his son was a chicken-shit, cup-drinking, sit-down-pee-er.

Gideon arose, and slew Zebah and Zalmunna. 8.21

But at least we are told that 120,000 Midianites were killed in the whole wet-fleece, water-lapping, trumpet-blowing, pitcher-smashing, the-Sword-of-the-Lord-and-of-Gideon episode.

There fell an hundred and twenty thousand men that drew sword. 8.10

Sorry that was so long. But at least now you know why the Gideons chose Gideon as their namesake.

They’re fucking crazy.

(There were probably more than 120,000 killed in this one, if the people of Succoth are included. But I can’t tell for sure that God was involved in that torture/massacre atrocity, so I’ll leave them out of it.)

49. A city is massacred and 1000 burn to death because of God’s evil spirit

Judges 9.23-57

Estimated Total Victims: 2000

A massacre, 1000 burn to death, and Abimelech is killed

After Gideon died, it was time for his sons to take over. And he had lots of them.

Gideon had threescore and ten sons of his body begotten: for he had many wives. And his concubine that was in Shechem, she also bare him a son, whose name he called Abimelech. Judges 8.30-31

Which was a problem since only one son could succeed him. Luckily, Abimelech came up with a creative solution. He killed all of his 70 brothers on one stone.

Abimelech ... went unto his father’s house at Ophrah, and slew his brethren the sons of Jerubbaal, being threescore and ten persons, upon one stone. 9.4-5a

Well, all except one, anyway. Jotham got away.

Yet Jotham the youngest son of Jerubbaal was left; for he hid himself. 9.5b

So the two remaining sons, Abimelech and Jotham, schemed against each other for control, with Abimelech winning out, becoming king.

All the men of Shechem gathered together … and made Abimelech king. 9.6

Then God decided to get involved by sending an evil spirit.

God sent an evil spirit between Abimelech and the men of Shechem; and the men of Shechem dealt treacherously with Abimelech: That the cruelty done to the threescore and ten sons of Jerubbaal might come, and their blood be laid upon Abimelech their brother, which slew them; and upon the men of Shechem, which aided him in the killing of his brethren. 9.23-24

(Now you might think it strange that an evil spirit would be sent by God. But if so, you haven’t been reading your Bible enough. In the Bible, evil spirits are either sent directly by God or their origin is unknown. The Bible never attributes evil spirits to Satan.)

Things get complicated after God’s evil spirit arrives. But the short story is that Shechem revolts against Abimelech and Abimelech massacres everyone in Shechem.

Abimelech fought against the city all that day; and he took the city, and slew the people that was therein, and beat down the city, and sowed it with salt. 9.45

Except for 1000 that escape to a tower.

All the men of the tower of Shechem were gathered together. 9.47

When Abimelech found out about the people in the tower, he set it on fire, burning 1000 people to death.

Abimelech … set the hold on fire upon them; so that all the men of the tower of Shechem died also, about a thousand men and women. 9.49

Then he went to a neighboring city, Thebez, and when the people escaped to a tower there, too, he tried to light it on fire.

Then went Abimelech to Thebez, and encamped against Thebez, and took it. But there was a strong tower within the city, and thither fled all the men and women … And Abimelech came unto the tower … to burn it with fire. 9.50-52

But while he was busy with that, a woman dropped a millstone and it landed on Abimelech’s head, crushing his skull.

A certain woman cast a piece of a millstone upon Abimelech’s head … to brake his skull. 9.53

Abimelech saw that it was a woman, so he told a soldier to kill him since he didn’t want it said that he was killed by a woman. (In the Bible, there’s nothing worse than being killed by a woman.)

Then he called hastily unto the young man his armourbearer, and said unto him, Draw thy sword, and slay me, that men say not of me, A women slew him. And his young man thrust him through, and he died. 9.54

So with the help of God’s evil spirit, everything worked out according to God’s plan.

Thus God rendered the wickedness of Abimelech, which he did unto his father, in slaying his seventy brethren: And all the evil of the men of Shechem did God render upon their heads: and upon them came the curse of Jotham. 9.56-57

Note: It’s hard to keep score on this one, but I think God deserves credit for killing Abimelech, the 1000 that burned alive in the tower of Shechem, and an unknown number of people in Abimelech’s massacre of Schechem. I’ll guess 2000 for the lot of them.

50. The Ammonite massacre

Judges 11.32-33

Estimated Number Killed: 20,000

Ammonites

This is the fifth time that the same stupid story is repeated in Judges (See 42, 43, 46, and 48 for the others), so you know by now what’s going to happen.

The Israelites do evil in the sight of the Lord.

The children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD, and served Baalim, and Ashtaroth, and the gods of Syria, and the gods of Zidon, and the gods of Moab, and the gods of the children of Ammon, and the gods of the Philistines, and forsook the LORD, and served not him. Judges 10.6

God gets angry and sells them as slaves.

The anger of the LORD was hot against Israel, and he sold them into the hands of the Philistines, and into the hands of the children of Ammon. 10.7

The Israelites cry out to God.

The children of Israel cried unto the LORD, saying, We have sinned against thee, both because we have forsaken our God, and also served Baalim. 10.10

God slaughters the people he sold the Israelites to (which is what this killing is about).

A few details change each time the story is told: the number of years that the Israelites are enslaved, the people that he sells them to, and the person that he chooses to help him with the massacre. This time God chooses Jephthah.

As usual, everything starts to go to hell when the spirit of the Lord comes upon Jephthah.

The spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah, and he ... vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands, Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD’s, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering. 11:29-31

Did you catch that? The spirit of the Lord comes upon Jephthah and he promises to kill whatever comes out to greet him if God will help him massacre the Ammonites. God not only approved of Jephthah’s vow, he inspired it.

And, of course, God comes through with his end of the deal by giving Jephthah “a very great slaughter.”

So Jephthah passed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the LORD delivered them into his hands. And he smote them ... even twenty cities ... with a very great slaughter. 11:32-33

God delivered 20 cities into Jephthah’s hand and “he smote them ... with a very great slaughter.” And then Jephthah came home.

(I gave each city the usual 1000 slaughter amount, for a total of 20,000.)

51. Jephthah’s daughter

Judges 11.39

Number Killed: 1

Jephthah’s daughter

In the last killing (50), the spirit of the Lord came upon Jephthah and he promised that he would offer to God a burned sacrifice of whatever comes out to greet him if God would help him massacre the Ammonites. God came through with his end of the deal by delivering 20 cities into Jephthah’s hand and “he smote them ... with a very great slaughter.”

When Jephthah returned home after slaughtering the Ammonites, his daughter came out to meet him.

Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances. Judges 11.34

When Jephthah saw his daughter, he tore his clothes and told her that he had opened his mouth to God.

When he saw her, that he rent his clothes, and said, Alas, my daughter … for I have opened my mouth unto the LORD, and I cannot go back. 11.35

His daughter (who is unnamed in the Bible) said Jephthah should do whatever the hell he said he’d do when he opened his big mouth to the Lord.

My father, if thou hast opened thy mouth unto the LORD, do to me according to that which hath proceeded out of thy mouth. 11.36

What had proceeded out of Jephthah’s mouth was, of course, a God-inspired promise to God to kill whatever greeted him. And so, by God, that’s what he did. A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.

And ... her father ... did with her according to his vow which he had vowed. 11.39

God inspired Jephthah to make the vow, so he expected him to abide by it. And God was so pleased when Jephthah killed his daughter for him that he decided to kill his own son for you.

But I’ll save that story for later.

52. 42,000 killed for failing the “shibboleth” test

Judges 12.5-6

Number Killed: 42,000

Ephraimites

After Jephthah finished killing and burning his daughter for God (51) to pay God back for helping him slaughter twenty Ammonite cities (50), he ran into some Ephraimites who were angry about being left out of the Ammonite slaughter.

The men of Ephraim gathered themselves together, and went northward, and said unto Jephthah, Wherefore passedst thou over to fight against the children of Ammon, and didst not call us to go with thee? Judges 12.1a

They were so pissed off about the whole thing that they threatened to burn down Jephthah’s house.

We will burn thine house upon thee with fire. 12.1b

Jephthah claimed that he invited them to join him in the God-assisted slaughter, but they didn’t come.

Jephthah said unto them, I and my people were at great strife with the children of Ammon; and when I called you, ye delivered me not … and the LORD delivered them into my hand. 12.2-3

Clearly, there was only one thing for Jephthah to do: call for a holy civil war.

Then Jephthah gathered together all the men of Gilead, and fought with Ephraim. 12.4a

So that’s what he did, and the men from Gilead defeated the Ephraimites.

And the men of Gilead smote Ephraim. 12.4b

After the battle, Jephthah posted guards at the Jordan River where the fleeing Ephraimites would have to cross.

The Gileadites took the passages of Jordan before the Ephraimites. 12.5a

When an escaping Ephraimite would come to the crossing, the Gileadites would ask him if he was an Ephraimite. If he said, “No”, they’d ask him to say “Shibboleth.” (Ephraimites couldn’t pronounce it correctly. It was like asking George Bush or Sarah Palin to say “nuclear.”)

When those Ephraimites which were escaped said, Let me go over; that the men of Gilead said unto him, Art thou an Ephraimite? If he said, Nay; Then said they unto him, Say now Shibboleth: and he said Sibboleth: for he could not frame to pronounce it right. 12.5b-6a

Then when the Ephraimite mispronounced Shibboleth by saying Sibboleth, they’d kill him.

Then they took him, and slew him at the passages of Jordan. 12.6b

And the Shibboleth test worked like a charm. 42,000 Ephraimites failed the test and were killed trying to cross the Jordan.

And there fell at that time of the Ephraimites forty and two thousand. 12.6c

And they deserved it, too, for not participating in the slaughter of the Ammonites, threatening to burn down Jephthah’s house, failing to pronounce “Shibboleth” correctly, or whatever.

(Note: Jephthah is one of the heroes of God in Hebrews 11, so we can be pretty sure that God approved of the whole “Shibboleth” test / holy civil war massacre.)

53. The spirit of the Lord came upon Samson and he murdered thirty men for their clothes

Judges 14.19

Number Killed: 30

Philistines

Just when you think the stories in Judges couldn’t get any stupider, the next one comes along to prove you wrong.

Take the story of Samson, for example.

It starts out in the usual way, with the children of Israel doing evil in the sight of the Lord and the Lord doing what he always does in such cases: he sells them. (Except that this time the Bible says he “delivered” them to the Philistines for forty years, so maybe the Israelites were a gift and he didn’t get paid for them.)

The children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD delivered them into the hand of the Philistines forty years. Judges 13.1

Of course, after giving, selling, or renting the Israelites to the Philistines, God needed to find someone to help kill the Israelites’ new owners. And that, as you probably guessed, is where Samson comes in.

(This is the first time that the third step in God’s famous four-step process was skipped. At least I can’t find where the Israelites cry out to the Lord. Oh well, maybe they cried out, but God couldn’t hear them or just forgot to tell us about it.)

Now Samson’s birth was a lot like Jesus’. An angel visited his mom to announce that she was going to have a son.

The angel of the LORD appeared unto the woman, and said unto her, Behold now … thou shalt conceive, and bear a son. 13.3

He even came again unto her when her husband wasn’t around and got her pregnant.

The angel of God came again unto the woman as she sat in the field: but Manoah her husband was not with her. 13.9

And the woman bare a son, and called his name Samson. 13.24a

So Samson’s birth was a fucking miracle.

Samson was one of God’s special heroes. He was blessed by God and moved by the Spirit of the Lord. (Samson might have been a decent person if he could have kept the Spirit of the Lord off of him.)

The Lord blessed him ... and the Spirit of the LORD began to move him at times. 13.24b-25

The first thing the Bible tells us about Samson is this:

Samson ... saw a woman ... of the daughters of the Philistines ... And Samson said unto his father ... Get her for me; for she pleaseth me well. 14.1-3

Now Samson’s parents were a bit troubled by this, since they knew how crazy God gets when an Israelite even thinks about marrying a non-Israelite. But then they didn’t know that this was all a part of God’s plan to kill Philistines.

But his father and his mother knew not that it was of the LORD, that he sought an occasion against the Philistines. 14.4

Samson was on his way to visit his new Philistine girlfriend when “the Spirit of the LORD came mightily” on him. Now in the Bible, there’s pretty much only one thing that happens when the Spirit of the Lord comes upon somebody: the spirit-filled person kills something. That’s what happened here.

Behold, a young lion roared against him. And the Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him, and he rent him as he would have rent a kid. 14.5-6

When he arrived at his Philistine girlfriend’s place “she pleased Samson well” and then he returned home. On his way he saw the lion carcass.

Behold, there was a swarm of bees and honey in the carcase of the lion. 14.8

Which, of course, was another miracle.

The spirit of God came upon Samson and he killed a lion. Then God sent bees to make honey from the dead lion’s body.

Of course, it’s also possible that the dead lion was covered with flies (not bees) and the putrefying flesh and maggots looked like honey to the dumb as shit Samson. (In which case the “honey” would have been pretty nasty stuff!)

But whatever it was, Samson thought it tasted pretty darned sweet. He even brought some home to his folks, although he didn’t tell them where it came from.

He took thereof in his hands, and went on eating, and came to his father and mother, and he gave them, and they did eat: but he told not them that he had taken the honey out of the carcase of the lion. 14.9

The Bible doesn’t actually say so, but I guess Samson married the Philistine woman that pleased him well. And they had a week-long party with thirty of Samson’s new-found Philistine friends.

At the party, Samson told a riddle.

I will now put forth a riddle unto you ... Out of the eater came forth meat, and out of the strong came forth sweetness. 14.12-14

Wasn’t that a great riddle? Anyway, Samson told his guests that whoever could figure it out before the week of partying is over would get 30 sheets and 30 garments. But whoever couldn’t, would have to give Samson 30 sheets and 30 garments.

If ye can certainly declare it me within the seven days of the feast, and find it out, then I will give you thirty sheets and thirty change of garments: But if ye cannot declare it me, then shall ye give me thirty sheets and thirty change of garments. 14.12-13

Now the party goers took the riddle pretty seriously. So they asked Samson’s new wife to tell them the answer or they’d burn her house down.

On the seventh day … they said unto Samson’s wife, Entice thy husband, that he may declare unto us the riddle, lest we burn thee and thy father’s house with fire. 14.15

She finally got the answer from Samson and then she told the guys at the party.

She wept before him the seven days … and … on the seventh day … he told her … and she told the riddle to the children of her people. 14.17

So Samson didn’t get his 30 sets of sheets and garments.

Samson was pissed. He accused his guests of...well, I’m not sure what. Here’s what he said:

If ye had not plowed with my heifer, ye had not found out my riddle. 14.18

So the party animals plowed with Samson’s heifer and they found out his riddle.

And then God gets involved again.

The Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he went down to Ashkelon, and slew thirty men of them, and took their spoil, and gave change of garments unto them which expounded the riddle. 14.19

So Samson went to another Philistine town (Ashkelon) and, when the Spirit of the Lord came upon him, killed 30 men and took their clothes to give to the guys at his party for solving the riddle.

Oh, and then in the next verse, Samson’s new wife is given to the best man at his wedding.

But Samson’s wife was given to his companion, whom he had used as his friend. 14.20

So everything worked out according to God’s plan. Samson’s brief (1 week) marriage, the lion and honey episode, the clever riddle, and the clothing bet. It was all carefully planned by God so that, in the end, Samson would murder thirty men for their clothes.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Oh, did you get Samson’s riddle? Me neither.

54. The spirit of the Lord came upon Samson and he killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass

Judges 15.14-15

Number Killed: 1000

Philistines

In the last killing (53), we saw that Samson’s brief (week-long) marriage to a Philistine woman was prearranged by God so that Samson would murder 30 Philistines for their clothes. That was the first chapter of Samson’s life (Judges 14). Here’s the next.

After Samson murdered the 30 Philistines, he went to his wife’s house to have sex with her. He even brought a young goat along to pay her for her services.

Samson visited his wife with a kid; and he said, I will go in to my wife into the chamber. Judges 15.1

But then her father had to tell him the bad news: he had given Samson’s wife to one of his Philistine friends because he thought that Samson “hated” her.

Her father said, I verily thought that thou hadst utterly hated her; therefore I gave her to thy companion. 15.2a

His father-in-law suggested that Samson just take his younger daughter. Heck, she’s prettier anyway, isn’t she?

Is not her younger sister fairer than she? take her, I pray thee, instead of her. 15.2b

But Samson didn’t want his wife’s little sister. He wanted his wife back, because as you’ll recall from the last killing, “She pleased Samson well.”

So Samson had an idea, an idea that only one of God’s special heroes could come up with. He’d catch 300 foxes, tie their tails together, light them on fire, and set them loose in the Philistine’s grain fields. Maybe then the Philistines would give him his wife back.

Samson went and caught three hundred foxes, and took firebrands, and turned tail to tail, and put a firebrand in the midst between two tails. And when he had set the brands on fire, he let them go. 15.4-5

But it didn't work out as planned. After the burning foxes destroyed their fields, the Philistines didn't give Samson his wife back; they burned her and her father to death.

Then the Philistines said, Who hath done this? And they answered, Samson … because he had taken his wife, and given her to his companion. And the Philistines came up, and burnt her and her father with fire. 15.6

In response, Samson smote the Philistines “hip and thigh” with a great slaughter. (I’m not including this killing on God’s list, since the Bible doesn’t tell us that “the Spirit of the Lord came upon him” or otherwise directly say that God was involved.)

Samson said unto them, Though ye have done this, yet will I be avenged of you, and after that I will cease. And he smote them hip and thigh with a great slaughter. 15.7-8

Then Samson went to hang out “in the top of the rock Etam” for a while. While he was there, 3000 men of Judah came, tied him up and took him to the Philistines. When they delivered Samson “the Spirit of the Lord came upon him” and he broke the ropes and killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass.

The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon him ... And he found a new jawbone of an ass and slew a thousand men therewith. 15.14-15

Samson was thirsty after the killing, so God made water come out of the same jawbone so that Samson could get a drink.

He was sore athirst, and called on the LORD, and ... God clave an hollow place that was in the jaw, and there came water thereout; and when he had drunk, his spirit came again. 15.18-19

Does anyone really believe this stuff? Well, yes they do, unfortunately. Over two billion people believe (or pretend to believe) that this story actually happened exactly as it is recorded in Judges 15. Samson tied the tails of 300 foxes together and set them on fire and then he killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass.

Of course most believers have never read the story and don’t even know it exists, but they believe it anyway, completely and implicitly, because they believe that everything in the Bible is true.

It’s easier to believe in stories like this if you don’t know they exist.

55. Samson killed 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack

Judges 16.27-30

Number Killed: 3,000

Philistines

After Samson finished killing 1000 men with a jawbone of an ass (54), he had sex with a prostitute.

Then went Samson to Gaza, and saw there an harlot, and went in unto her. Judges 16.1

At midnight he left the prostitute and ripped out the doors and gate posts of the city and carried them to the top of a hill.

Samson lay till midnight, and arose at midnight, and took the doors of the gate of the city, and the two posts, and went away with them, bar and all, and put them upon his shoulders, and carried them up to the top of an hill that is before Hebron. 16.3

Then Samson saw and fell in love with Delilah.

Afterward ... he loved a woman ... whose name was Delilah. 16.4

Now Delilah was paid by the Philistines to find the magical source of Samson’s strength and how he could be restrained. So she asked Samson three times about it, while some Philistines hid in another room.

The first time that she asked, he said that he’d become as weak as any other man if he were tied up with bowstrings. So she did that and then shouted, “Hey Samson, the Philistines are coming!” But he broke the bowstrings as though they were burnt strings. (16.6-9)

She asked again and he told her to use ropes. So she tied him with ropes and then shouted, “Hey Samson, the Philistines are coming!” But he broke the ropes like they were threads. (16.10-12)

She asked him a third time, and he told her to weave his seven braids into a cloth and fasten the whole mess to the wall. So she did that and then shouted, “Hey Samson (you dumb shit), the Philistines are coming!” But he broke out of that one, too. (16.13-14)

But Delilah didn’t give up. She kept pestering him until finally Samson told her the true source of his strength. It was his hair. If his hair was shaved off, he’d become as weak as any other man.

If I be shaven, then my strength will go from me, and I shall become weak, and be like any other man. 16.17

So when Samson fell asleep on her lap, she cut his hair. And both the Lord and his strength departed from him.

She made him sleep upon her knees … to shave off the seven locks of his head … and his strength went from him … the LORD was departed from him. 16.19-20

Then the Philistines captured Samson, gouged out his eyes, and put him in prison.

The Philistines took him, and put out his eyes, and brought him down to Gaza, and bound him with fetters of brass; and he did grind in the prison house. 16.21

Later at one of their big parties, the Philistines brought Samson out to entertain them. Here’s what happened.

Now the house was full of ... about three thousand men and women ... And Samson called unto the LORD, and said, O Lord God … strengthen me ... that I may be at once avenged of the Philistines for my two eyes ... and the house fell upon the lords, and upon all the people that were therein. So the dead which he slew at his death were more than they which he slew in his life. 16.27-30

This was the first suicide terrorist act. It resulted in the deaths of 3000 civilian men and women. God approved of it and gave Samson the strength to do it. And although the Bible doesn’t say so, there are unconfirmed reports that Samson shouted “God is great (Allahu Akbar)” as the walls came tumbling down.

56. A holy civil war (It had something to do with rotting, concubine body-part messages)

Judges 20.18-48

Number Killed: 65,100

Non-Benjamites and Benjamites

Do you know the story about the Levite and his concubine? You know the one in Judges 19 where the Levite and his concubine are staying at a guy’s house when a mob comes and asks to have sex with the Levite, and the host says no you can’t have sex with him but I’ll give you my virgin daughter and his concubine instead, so the Levite gives them his concubine and they rape her all night and she crawls back to the house and dies the next morning, and then the Levite puts her body on his donkey and goes home and chops her body into 12 pieces and sends a piece to each tribe of Israel? Yeah that one.

Well, this is the rest of the story.

You see, when the 12 tribes got the pieces of decaying concubine body parts, they immediately assembled before the Lord in Mizpeh, along with the entire population of Israel and 400,000 soldiers. (What else would you do if you got a hunk of rotting flesh in the mail?)

All the children of Israel went out, and the congregation was gathered together as one man ... unto the LORD in Mizpeh. And ... four hundred thousand footmen that drew sword. Judges 20.1-2

When they arrived at Mizpeh, the Israelites asked the meaning of the rotting-flesh messages. So the Levite told them the nasty story that is found in Judges 19.

When the Israelites heard this, all 400,000 said in complete unison:

All the people arose as one man, saying … This shall be the thing which we will do to Gibeah; we will go up by lot against it. 20.8-9

Then they asked God what they should do about it. God told them to go to war with the Benjamites, saying that the tribe of Judah should go first.

The children of Israel arose, and went up to the house of God, and asked counsel of God, and said, Which of us shall go up first to the battle against the children of Benjamin? And the LORD said, Judah shall go up first. 20.18

(God’s just war theory: Since the town of Gibeah was where the incident with the concubine occurred, and the inhabitants of Gibeah were from the tribe of Benjamin, the other Israelite tribes must go to war with the Benjamites. This may not make much sense to you, but it does to God.)

So they did that, but it didn’t work out too well, and 22,000 Israelites died.

The men of Israel went out to battle against Benjamin … And the children of Benjamin came forth out of Gibeah, and destroyed down to the ground of the Israelites that day twenty and two thousand men. 20.20-21

After their first defeat, the Israelites wept before God and asked him what they should do next. God said to go fight the Benjamites (again).

The children of Israel went up and wept before the LORD until even, and asked counsel of the LORD, saying, Shall I go up again to battle against the children of Benjamin my brother? And the LORD said, Go up against him. 20.23

So the next day they tried that, but it didn’t turn out so well this time either. Another 18,000 Israelites were killed.

The children of Israel came near against the children of Benjamin the second day. And Benjamin went forth against them out of Gibeah the second day, and destroyed down to the ground of the children of Israel again eighteen thousand men. 20.24-25

Once again all of the Israelites sit and weep before God, and ask him (for the third time) if they should attack the Benjamites.

Then all the children of Israel, and all the people, went up, and came unto the house of God, and wept, and sat there before the LORD … And the children of Israel enquired of the LORD. 20.26-27

God gave them his usual answer: Attack. This time he promised that he would deliver them into their hands.

The LORD said, Go up; for to morrow I will deliver them into thine hand. 20.28

And he did. It’s not entirely clear, though, how many Benjamites were killed, 25,100 (as it says in 20.35), 25,000 (as in 20.46), or maybe both in two separate battles. But since there were only a total of 26,000 Benjamites soldiers (20.15), I’ll just give God credit for killing another 25,100.

The LORD smote Benjamin before Israel: and the children of Israel destroyed of the Benjamites that day twenty and five thousand and an hundred men: all these drew the sword. 20.35

So that all which fell that day of Benjamin were twenty and five thousand men. 20.46

The Israelites killed all but 600 Benjamite soldiers and then killed every one else in the tribe of Benjamin—old men, women, children, and babies, even all their animals.

But six hundred men turned and fled to the wilderness unto the rock Rimmon, and abode in the rock Rimmon four months. And the men of Israel turned again upon the children of Benjamin, and smote them with the edge of the sword, as well the men of every city, as the beast, and all that came to hand: also they set on fire all the cities that they came to. 20.47-48

It seems to me that God was also at least partly responsible for the 40,000 Israelites that were killed in the first two unsuccessful battles that he told the Israelites to fight, along with the 25,100 Benjamite soldiers. So I’ll add 65,100 to God’s total.

57. The end of Judges: Two genocides and 200 stolen virgins

Judges 21.10-14

Estimated Number Killed: 4,000

People of Jabeshgilead

God’s 56th killing was a God-inspired civil war between the tribe of Benjamin and the other Israelites. It was God’s way of dealing with that messy affair involving the Levite and his concubine.

As you’ll recall, God told the Israelites to fight the Benjamites three times. In the first two battles, the Israelites were defeated and 40,000 of their soldiers were killed. But the third time “God smote Benjamin,” killing 25,100 of them. But 600 Benjamites survived.

But six hundred [Benjamite] men turned and fled to the wilderness unto the rock Rimmon, and abode in the rock Rimmon four months. Judges 20.47

After the battle, the Israelites killed everything (human and animal) in every Benjamite village, town, and city and then burned everything to the ground.

The men of Israel turned again upon the children of Benjamin, and smote them with the edge of the sword, as well the men of every city, as the beast, and all that came to hand: also they set on fire all the cities that they came to. 20.48

Then they remembered the 600 surviving Benjamite soldiers.

Where the heck were these guys going to find wives? The non-Benjamites killed all the Benjamite women (56) and swore to God that none of them would “give” their daughters to any Benjamite.

Now the men of Israel had sworn in Mizpeh, saying, There shall not any of us give his daughter unto Benjamin to wife. 21.1

Then they thought of a great solution. They’d check the records of the Mizpeh meeting and see who didn’t show up when they got a body part in the mail.

They said, What one is there of the tribes of Israel that came not up to Mizpeh to the LORD? And, behold, there came none to the camp from Jabeshgilead to the assembly. 21.8

It turned out that Jabeshgilead was absent. So they sent 12,000 soldiers to Jabeshgilead to kill everyone in town except for the virgin women. That produced 400 virgins, which they delivered to the Benjamite survivors at the rock Rimmon.

The congregation sent thither twelve thousand men of the valiantest, and commanded them, saying, Go and smite the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead with the edge of the sword, with the women and the children. And they found among the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead four hundred young virgins, that had known no man by lying with any male ... and they gave them wives which they had saved alive of the women of Jabeshgilead. 21.10-14

But darn! There were 600 Benjamites, so they were still 200 virgins short. Where the fuck are they going to find 200 more virgins?

Well, someone heard about this dancing festival that they had at Shiloh each year. So they told the remaining 200 Benjamite men without virgins to hide in the bushes and catch the Shiloh girls when they came out to dance.

Therefore they commanded the children of Benjamin, saying, Go and lie in wait in the vineyards ... And … if the daughters of Shiloh come out to dance in dances, then come ye out of the vineyards, and catch you every man his wife of the daughters of Shiloh ... And the children of Benjamin did so, and took them wives, according to their number, of them that danced, whom they caught. 21.20-23

So each of the 600 surviving Benjamite soldiers got a virgin and everything worked out according to God’s plan.

(I figured there were at least 10 children, men, and non-virgin women for every virgin woman in Jabeshgilead. If so, then 4000 were killed to get the 400 virgin women for the surviving Benjamites.)

58. God kills Eli’s sons and 34,000 Israelite soldiers

1 Samuel 4.2-11

Number Killed: 34,002

Hophni, Phinehas and 34,000 Israelite soldiers

There was an old priest name Eli, who had two sons, Hophni and Phinehas. (This is another Phinehas, not God’s hero from killing 25.) Like Eli, his sons were priests, but they were bad priests who didn’t know God, stole meat from burnt offerings, and had sex with women at the door of the tabernacle.

The sons of Eli were sons of Belial; they knew not the LORD. 1 Samuel 2.12

If any man said unto him, Let them not fail to burn the fat presently, and then take as much as thy soul desireth; then he would answer him, Nay; but thou shalt give it me now: and if not, I will take it by force. 2.16

Eli … heard all that his sons did … how they lay with the women that assembled at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. 2.22

Eli talked to his sons about it and tried to get them to change their ways, but they wouldn’t listen to him since God had already decided to kill them.

They hearkened not unto the voice of their father, because the LORD would slay them. 2.25

Before killing Eli’s sons, though, God tormented Eli a bit. First, a “man of God” tells Eli that God will “consume his eyes” and “grieve his heart” and make sure that all of his descendants die young.

A man of God ... said unto him, Thus saith the LORD ... I will cut off thine arm... There shall not be an old man in thine house for ever ... I shall ... consume thine eyes and ... grieve thine heart. 2.27-33

Then, just in case the first message didn’t get through, God sends another one to Eli through the boy prophet, Samuel. It takes God three tries to deliver the message, but he finally does. And it’s the same nasty message: God will make everyone’s ears tingle by punishing all of Eli’s unborn descendants for the sins of his sons.

The LORD said to Samuel, Behold, I will do a thing in Israel, at which both the ears of every one that heareth it shall tingle. I will perform against Eli all things which I have spoken … I will judge his house for ever … because his sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not. 3.11-13

Samuel delivers the message to Eli and he responds the way believers always do. (God can do whatever he wants—however absurd, cruel, or unjust—and they will call it good.)

It is the LORD: let him do what seemeth him good. 3.18

So now God had to figure out how he was going to kill Eli’s sons.

And that’s where the Philistines came in. God used them to kill Eli’s sons, along with 34,000 Israelite soldiers.

In the first battle, the Israelites lost 4000 men.

The Philistines put themselves in array against Israel: and when they joined battle, Israel was smitten before the Philistines: and they slew of the army in the field about four thousand men. 4.2

Which surprised the heck out of the Israelites, since God was supposed to be on their side.

So they went to get the ark of the covenant, figuring it would protect them from the Philistines.

When the people were come into the camp, the elders of Israel said, Wherefore hath the LORD smitten us to day before the Philistines? Let us fetch the ark of the covenant of … that … it may save us out of the hand of our enemies. 4.3

Along with the ark, they also got Eli’s sons, Hophni and Phinehas.

So the people sent to Shiloh, that they might bring from thence the ark of the covenant of the LORD … and the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were there with the ark of the covenant of God. 4.4

When the ark came to the Israelites’ camp, they all shouted at once, causing an earthquake.

When the ark of the covenant of the LORD came into the camp, all Israel shouted with a great shout, so that the earth rang again. 4.5

The earth shook so much that the Philistines felt it at their camp, and they knew just what it meant. God was with the Israelites and he was on their side.

The Philistines were afraid, for they said, God is come into the camp. And they said, Woe unto us! for there hath not been such a thing heretofore. 4.7

The Philistines had heard what God did to the Egyptians and they were afraid that now he’d do it to them. So they all said together: “Woe unto us.”

Woe unto us! who shall deliver us out of the hand of these mighty Gods? these are the Gods that smote the Egyptians with all the plagues in the wilderness. 4.8

Then they snapped out of it and started to act like Philistines again, and killed another 30,000 Israelites.

The Philistines fought, and Israel was smitten, and they fled every man into his tent: and there was a very great slaughter; for there fell of Israel thirty thousand footmen. 4.10

And, in the process, the Philistines stole the ark of God and also killed Eli’s sons.

The ark of God was taken; and the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were slain. 4.11

Just as God said he would do in 1 Samuel 2.25

(I gave God credit for 34,002, 34,000 Israelite soldiers and Eli’s two sons.)

59. God smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts

1 Samuel 5.6-12

Estimated Number Killed: 3,000

Philistines

You may have noticed at the end of the last killing (58), that the Philistines stole the ark of the covenant from the Israelites. And that’s when their troubles really began.

The Philistines brought the ark to Ashdod and set it up next to their god, Dagon.

The Philistines took the ark of God ... unto Ashdod ... into the house of Dagon, and set it by Dagon. 1 Samuel 5.1-2

The next morning Dagon had fallen on his face.

When they of Ashdod arose early on the morrow, behold, Dagon was fallen upon his face. 5.3

So they put Dagon back in his place, but the next morning he had fallen down again, and this time his head and hands had fallen off, so he was no more than a stump.

When they arose early on the morrow morning, behold, Dagon was fallen upon his face to the ground before the ark of the LORD; and the head of Dagon and both the palms of his hands were cut off upon the threshold; only the stump of Dagon was left to him. 5.4

Then God started to get nasty. He destroyed the people of Asdod and smote those that survived with hemorrhoids.

But the hand of the LORD was heavy upon them of Ashdod, and he destroyed them, and smote them with emerods (hemorrhoids). 5.6

So the people of Ashdod decided to send the ark to another Philistine city: Gath.

What shall we do with the ark of the God of Israel? And they answered, Let the ark of the God of Israel be carried about unto Gath. And they carried the ark of the God of Israel about thither. 5.8

And then God smote the people of Gath, the small and the great, with hemorrhoids in their secret parts.

The hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction: and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts. 5.9

After that, what do you think the Gathites did with God’s ark? They sent it to Ekron.

Therefore they sent the ark of God to Ekron. 5.10

When the ark arrived at Ekron, God did the usual thing: he killed most of the people and gave the rest hemorrhoids.

There was a deadly destruction throughout all the city; the hand of God was very heavy there. And the men that died not were smitten with the emerods: and the cry of the city went up to heaven. 5.11-12

The Bible doesn’t say how many people God killed in Ashdod, Gath, and Ekron. So I’ll just call it 3000, 1000 from each city.

60. 50,070 killed for looking into the ark of the Lord

1 Samuel 6.19

Number Killed: 50,070

Bethshemeshites

In his last killing (59), God was busy fashioning hemorrhoids and placing them in the Philistines’ secret parts. Stuff like that gets annoying after a while.

So the Philistines asked their priests how they can get God to stop. The priests told them to make five golden hemorrhoids and five golden mice as trespass offerings, and put the ark and the offerings in a cart pulled by two cows. Then let the cows go wherever they choose. If they go toward Bethshemesh, then it was God who was striking the people with hemorrhoids in their secret parts.

The Philistines called for the priests and the diviners, saying, What shall we do to the ark of the LORD? And they said, If ye send away the ark of the God of Israel, send it not empty; but … return him a trespass offering: then ye shall be healed … What shall be the trespass offering? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice … take the ark of the LORD, and lay it upon the cart; and put the … trespass offering … and send it away … And see, if it goeth up by the way of his own coast to Bethshemesh, then he hath done us this great evil: but if not, then we shall know that it is not his hand that smote us: it was a chance that happened to us. 1 Samuel 6.2-9

Since that sounded like a reasonable plan, that’s what they did. And the cows headed straight for Bethshemesh “and turned not aside to the right hand or to the left.”

They laid the ark of the LORD upon the cart, and the coffer with the mice of gold and the images of their emerods. And the kine took the straight way to the way of Bethshemesh, and went along the highway, lowing as they went, and turned not aside to the right hand or to the left. 6.11-12

So the world now knows for sure that it was God who killed the Philistine people by putting hemorrhoids in their secret parts.

That would have been a happy ending, I suppose, except some of the Bethshemeshites looked into the ark. So God had to kill 50,070 of them.

He smote the men of Bethshemesh, because they had looked into the ark of the LORD, even he smote of the people fifty thousand and threescore and ten men: and the people lamented, because the LORD had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter. 6.19

Stories like this can only be found in the Bible.

61. The Lord thundered great thunder upon the Philistines

1 Samuel 7.10-11

Estimated Number Killed: 1,000

Philistines

After God killed more than 50,000 for looking into the ark (60), the ark was moved to Kirjathjearim and the people of Israel “lamented after the Lord”—which means, I guess, that they wanted the damned thing back.

And it came to pass, while the ark abode in Kirjathjearim, that the time was long; for it was twenty years: and all the house of Israel lamented after the LORD. 1 Samuel 7.2

So Samuel told them what to do. Get rid of all their other gods and worship Yahweh alone. So the Israelites rounded up all their gods and threw them away. Then Samuel told all the people of Israel to gather at Mizpeh and he would say a little prayer for them.

Samuel said, Gather all Israel to Mizpeh, and I will pray for you unto the LORD. 7.5

So everyone in Israel came to Mizpeh, poured water out for the Lord, fasted, and said they’d sinned.

And they gathered together to Mizpeh, and drew water, and poured it out before the LORD, and fasted on that day, and said there, We have sinned against the LORD. 7.6

When the Philistines heard about all this, they prepared to attack Israel.

When the Philistines heard that the children of Israel were gathered together to Mizpeh, the lords of the Philistines went up against Israel. 7.7a

The Israelites were afraid of the Philistines, so they asked Samuel to ask God to save them.

When the children of Israel heard it, they were afraid of the Philistines. 7.7b

So Samuel killed a baby lamb and burned its dead body for God.

Samuel took a sucking lamb, and offered it for a burnt offering wholly unto the LORD. 7.9a

Then Samuel cried out to God and God heard him.

And Samuel cried unto the LORD for Israel; and the LORD heard him. 7.9b

While Samuel was busy roasting the lamb for God, the Philistines attacked. And God “thundered with a great thunder” and “discomfited them.” Then the Israelites chased them down and killed them.

As Samuel was offering up the burnt offering, the Philistines drew near to battle against Israel: but the LORD thundered with a great thunder on that day upon the Philistines, and discomfited them; and they were smitten before Israel. And the men of Israel went out of Mizpeh, and pursued the Philistines, and smote them. 7.10-11

After the slaughter, Samuel put up a monument that said, “So far the Lord has helped us.”

Then Samuel took a stone … saying, Hitherto hath the LORD helped us. 7.12

Once again the Bible doesn’t say how many Philistines were killed. So I’ll just call it 1000.

62. Another Ammonite massacre (and another God-inspired, body-part message)

1 Samuel 11.11

Estimated Number Killed: 1,000

Ammonites

Remember the Holy Civil War a few killings back? (56) This is a lot like it.

It starts with the people from Jabeshgilead making a proposition to the Ammonites.

Then Nahash the Ammonite came up, and encamped against Jabeshgilead: and all the men of Jabesh said unto Nahash, Make a covenant with us, and we will serve thee. 1 Samuel 11.1

Does Jabeshgilead sound familiar to you? Well, if you read about God's 57th killing, it should. (In that story, the Israelites killed everyone in the city of Jabeshgilead except for the virgin women, whom they gave to the surviving Benjamites for wives.)

So everyone in Jabeshgilead was killed a few years before the events in 1 Samuel 11 supposedly took place. Yet here in verse 1 they are making a treaty with the Ammonites. Do dead people make treaties? I guess they do in the Bible.

Anyway, here’s the deal that Nahash offered the (dead?) people from Jabeshgilead:

Nahash the Ammonite answered them, On this condition will I make a covenant with you, that I may thrust out all your right eyes, and lay it for a reproach upon all Israel. 11.2

Now you might think that this would be a no brainer to the people of Jabeshgilead. But since they were already dead, maybe they didn’t have any eyes to poke out. In any case, the people of Jabshgilead asked for a week to see if they could get an army together to fight the Ammonites. If they couldn’t, they’d let the Ammonites poke out one of their eyes.

The elders of Jabesh said unto him, Give us seven days’ respite, that we may send messengers unto all the coasts of Israel: and then, if there be no man to save us, we will come out to thee. 11.3

The Ammonites said, “Sure, go ahead and get an army together. We’ll give you a week.” So the leaders of Jabeshgilead sent messengers to Saul, who had recently become the first king of Israel (1 Sam 10.20-24).

When Saul heard about it, “the Spirit of the Lord came upon him,” and Saul did what any spirit-filled person would do: he killed some oxen, chopped their bodies up into 12 pieces, and sent the pieces to the 12 tribes of Israel.

The Spirit of God came upon Saul ... And he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coasts of Israel by the hands of messengers. 11.6-7a

And it worked, too. Messages like that always work in the Bible.

The fear of the LORD fell on the people, and they came out with one consent. 11.7b

Within a week the ox body parts were sent around to all the tribes of Israel and all the people of Israel responded “as one,” forming an army of 330,000.

When he numbered them in Bezek, the children of Israel were three hundred thousand, and the men of Judah thirty thousand. 11.8

It’s amazing what twelve rotting pieces of meat can do!

Then Saul told the people of Jabeshgilead:

To morrow, by that time the sun be hot, ye shall have help. And the messengers came and shewed it to the men of Jabesh; and they were glad. 11.9

So the messengers went back and told the good news to leaders of Jabeshgilead, and they told Nahash that tomorrow they’d let them poke out their eyes.

The men of Jabesh said, To morrow we will come out unto you, and ye shall do with us all that seemeth good unto you. 11.10

The next day Saul and his army killed Ammonites until the heat of the day. When they were done they had killed all the Ammonites.

Saul ... slew the Ammonites until the heat of the day: and it came to pass, that they which remained were scattered, so that two of them were not left together. 11.11

After the slaughter Saul said,

To day the LORD hath wrought salvation in Israel. 11.13

So God deserves at least some of the credit.

The Bible doesn’t say how many Ammonites were killed; I’ll call it a standard massacre and say 1000.

63. Jonathan’s very first slaughter (not counting the one before)

1 Samuel 14.12-14

Number Killed: 20

Philistines

Well, it was a bit disappointing to me, but I guess it was OK for a very first slaughter.

Here’s how it happened.

One day Jonathan and his armor bearer decided to go find some uncircumcised guys to kill. Who knows? Maybe God would help them.

Jonathan said to the young man that bare his armour, Come, and let us go over unto the garrison of these uncircumcised: it may be that the LORD will work for us. 1 Samuel 14.6

Jonathan’s amorous armor bearer said to him, “Do whatever is in your heart. Whatever is in your heart is in my heart, too.” (They had a very close, intimate relationship.)

His armourbearer said unto him, Do all that is in thine heart: turn thee; behold, I am with thee according to thy heart. 14.7

So Jonathan told him his plan. They will go over to the Philistines and if they say, “Wait there and we’ll come over to you,” then Jonathan and his armor bearer will stay put. But if the Philistines say, “Come up to us, and we will show you something,” then they will attack, knowing that God will help them kill them.

Then said Jonathan, Behold, we will pass over unto these men, and we will discover ourselves unto them. If they say thus unto us, Tarry until we come to you; then we will stand still in our place, and will not go up unto them. But if they say thus, Come up unto us; then we will go up: for the LORD hath delivered them into our hand: and this shall be a sign unto us. 14.8-10

So they did that. And when the Philistines saw them, they said, “Look the Hebrews have crawled out of the holes they were hiding in.”

Both of them discovered themselves unto the garrison of the Philistines: and the Philistines said, Behold, the Hebrews come forth out of the holes where they had hid themselves. 14.11

And then the Philistines said the magic words of doom, “Come on up and we’ll show you a thing or two.”

The men of the garrison answered Jonathan and his armourbearer, and said, Come up to us, and we will shew you a thing. 14.12a

When Jonathan heard that, he told his armor bearer that God would help them kill the Philistines.

Jonathan said unto his armourbearer, Come up after me: for the LORD hath delivered them into the hand of Israel. 14.12b

So Jonathan and his armor bearer crawled out of their hole and began to kill Philistines.

Jonathan climbed up upon his hands and upon his feet, and his armourbearer after him: and they fell before Jonathan; and his armourbearer slew after him. 14.13

They killed about 20 of them, all in an area of half an acre or so, which is not too bad for a very first slaughter.

That first slaughter, which Jonathan and his armourbearer made, was about twenty men, within as it were an half acre of land, which a yoke of oxen might plow. 14.14

The thing that bothers me about this story is the “first slaughter” part. Because if this was Jonathan’s very first slaughter, what was he doing in the last chapter?

Jonathan smote the garrison of the Philistines that was in Geba. 13.3

64. God forces the Philistines to kill each other

1 Samuel 14.15-20

Estimated Number Killed: 1,000

Philistines

After helping Jonathan with his first slaughter (which wasn’t really his first, but Oh well), God took over the killing himself. He didn’t have much choice if he wanted to get the killing done, because there were only two swords in all Israel at the time, Jonathan’s and Saul’s. And it’s hard to kill Philistines with only sticks and stones.

So it came to pass in the day of battle, that there was neither sword nor spear found in the hand of any of the people that were with Saul and Jonathan: but with Saul and with Jonathan his son was there found. 1 Samuel 13.22

But God had a plan. He’d force the Philistines to kill each other (and throw in an earthquake for dramatic effect).

And there was trembling ... and the earth quaked: so it was a very great trembling … And the multitude melted away, and they went on beating down one another... Every man’s sword was against his fellow, and there was a very great discomfiture. 14:15-20

After the Philistines killed each other, the Israelites must have gathered up their swords and spears, because by the end of the same chapter Saul is fighting everybody at once, “vexing” them all.

So Saul ... fought against all his enemies on every side, against Moab, and against the children of Ammon, and against Edom, and against the kings of Zobah, and against the Philistines: and whithersoever he turned himself, he vexed them. And he gathered an host, and smote the Amalekites, and delivered Israel out of the hands of them that spoiled them. 14.47-48

(I guessed that God forced 1000 Philistines to kill each other. But since the Bible doesn’t say that God was involved in the second killing, I didn’t include it on the official list.)

65. The Amalekite genocide

1 Samuel 15.2-9

Estimated Number Killed: 10,000

Amalekites

Nothing much needs to be said about this one.

You only need to read the first three verses from 1 Samuel 15 to know for sure that the God of the Bible is evil. (Thank goodness he doesn’t exist!)

Still, it is good idea to look at the story in context.

(Bible believers often tell us to look at the context. But context nearly always makes Bible stories worse, not better. This story is no exception.)

Samuel also said unto Saul ... Thus saith the LORD of hosts, I remember that which Amalek did to Israel, how he laid wait for him in the way, when he came up from Egypt. Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. 1 Samuel 15.1-3

Notice that Samuel speaks here for God. Why would anyone believe that then or now? Was it because it sounded like something God would say?

And if the genocide was so important to God, why didn’t he tell Saul directly?

But let’s assume that the Bible is right and Samuel quoted God correctly. If so, then (unlike many of God’s killings) we know why God wanted Saul to kill all the Amalekites—because God remembered what their ancestors did hundreds of years before they were born (they defended themselves when the Israelites tried to kill them and take their land).

And Saul pretty much did as God commanded. He sent 210,000 soldiers to kill everyone and everything among the Amalekites: men, women, children, babies, animals—except for the king, Agag, and some of the more valuable sheep, oxen, and lambs.

Saul gathered the people together … two hundred thousand footmen, and ten thousand men of Judah. … And Saul smote the Amalekites ... And he took Agag the king of the Amalekites alive, and utterly destroyed all the people with the edge of the sword. But Saul and the people spared Agag, and the best of the sheep, and of the oxen, and of the fatlings, and the lambs, and all that was good, and would not utterly destroy them: but every thing that was vile and refuse, that they destroyed utterly. 15.4-9

Saul killed the old men, the pregnant women, the children and babies. But he spared the king and some animals. And God would never forgive him for it.

Samuel cried his little eyes out all night and God repented of making Saul king.

Then came the word of the LORD unto Samuel, saying, It repenteth me that I have set up Saul to be king: for he is turned back from following me, and hath not performed my commandments. And it grieved Samuel; and he cried unto the LORD all night. 15.10-11

It’s good to know that God repented. When you order someone to commit genocide for stuff that happened centuries ago, you should be a bit sorry about it.

But that wasn’t what God was sorry about. God wanted all of the Amalekites killed. In some sick way it made God happy every time an old Amalekite woman or a little baby was killed.

No, God repented of making Saul king because he didn’t kill everyone, and God wanted everyone killed.

And if you believe in the Bible, you wanted them killed, too.

[If this Bible story is true (which it isn’t, of course), how many Amalekites were killed at God’s command? I originally gave it the usual 1000 for a standard massacre, but Saul sent 210,000 soldiers to do the killing. He wouldn’t send that many soldiers to kill only 1000 civilians, would he? So I increased it to 10,000.]

66. Samuel hacks Agag to death before the Lord

1 Samuel 15.32-33

Number Killed: 1

Agag

Saul ruined God’s last killing (65) by not killing all the Amalekites. God wanted a complete genocide, and Saul blew it by keeping one man alive (along with a few animals that he planned to kill later for God). Poor Samuel was so upset that he tore his skirt and cried all night.

It grieved Samuel; and he cried unto the LORD all night. 1 Samuel 15.11b

Samuel … laid hold upon the skirt of his mantle, and it rent. 15.27

But according to the story, it wasn’t God that told Saul to commit genocide. It was Samuel. Samuel said “thus saith the Lord” and Saul was stupid enough to believe him. And believers have followed along ever since.

After the genocide, Samuel just kept making nasty shit up and blaming it on God.

Then came the word of the LORD unto Samuel, saying, It repenteth me that I have set up Saul to be king: for he is turned back from following me, and hath not performed my commandments. 15.10-11a

The LORD sent thee on a journey, and said, Go and utterly destroy the sinners the Amalekites, and fight against them until they be consumed. 15.18

The commandment of God that Saul broke was “Thou shalt kill everyone, man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass.”

Thus saith the Lord of hosts … Go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. 15.2-3

So Samuel had to finish the holy genocide by hacking Agag to pieces before the Lord.

Then said Samuel, Bring ye hither to me Agag the king of the Amalekites. And Agag came unto him delicately. And Agag said, Surely the bitterness of death is past. And Samuel said, As the sword hath made women childless, so shall thy mother be childless among women. And Samuel hewed Agag in pieces before the LORD in Gilgal. 15.32-33

Samuel was a monster. But he was a hero to God and still is to all Bible believers.

67. In the valley of Elah: Goliath

1 Samuel 17.49-54

Number Killed: 1

Goliath

After Samuel cried all night and tore his skirt over Saul’s incomplete genocide (65), he finished the job the next day by hacking Agag to pieces before the Lord (66).

But God and Samuel were still upset by the whole thing. It broke their little hearts. After all, God told Saul to kill all the Amalekites, and Saul saved one guy alive, along with some animals he planned to sacrifice to God later on. (How would you feel if you told someone to commit genocide and then they went and left one person alive?)

Samuel never saw Saul again (not with his clothes on, anyway – See 1 Samuel 19.24), but he “mourned” for him. And God repented of making Saul king.

Samuel came no more to see Saul until the day of his death: nevertheless Samuel mourned for Saul: and the LORD repented that he had made Saul king over Israel. 1 Samuel 15.35

So God and Samuel found another king, someone who would gladly kill anyone at any time for any reason, a man after God’s own heart: David.

I’m going to skip the details about how God and Samuel selected David so I can get on with the story at hand. But since the same pair (God and Samuel) that conspired to produce the Amalekite genocide (65) selected David as king, you know it was a good selection!

When Samuel anointed David as king, the Spirit of the Lord came on David and it was with him for the rest of his life. At the same time, of course, the Spirit of the Lord departed from Saul and was replaced by an evil spirit from God, as required by the first law of spiritual thermodynamics.

Then Samuel took the horn of oil, and anointed him ... and the Spirit of the LORD came upon David from that day forward. ... But the Spirit of the LORD departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the LORD troubled him. 16.13-14

This dastardly evil spirit from God caused Saul lots of problems. And only one thing seemed to help: David and his harp.

David came to Saul, and stood before him: and he loved him greatly ... And Saul sent to Jesse, saying, Let David, I pray thee, stand before me; for he hath found favour in my sight. And it came to pass, when the evil spirit from God was upon Saul, that David took an harp, and played with his hand: so Saul was refreshed, and was well, and the evil spirit departed from him. 16.21-23

And now we finally get the story I’m supposed to be telling. The one you already know. David and Goliath.

It begins with a Philistine named Goliath, who was a big guy, even by NBA standards. At 6 cubits and a span, he would have been about 3 meters (nearly 10 feet) tall.

There went out a champion out of the camp of the Philistines, named Goliath, of Gath, whose height was six cubits and a span. 17.4

Goliath had a plan to limit the smiting that was always going on between the Philistines and the Israelites—a fair fight between two guys: him and whomever the Israelites chose.

He stood and cried unto the armies of Israel, and said unto them, Why are ye come out to set your battle in array? am not I a Philistine, and ye servants to Saul? choose you a man for you, and let him come down to me. If he be able to fight with me, and to kill me, then will we be your servants: but if I prevail against him, and kill him, then shall ye be our servants, and serve us. 17.8-9

David heard about it and volunteered for the job. It might have had something to do with the reward.

David Spake to the men that stood by him, saying, what shall be done to the man that killeth this Philistine, and taketh away the reproach from Israel? for who is this uncircumcised Philistine, that he should defy the armies of the living God? 17.26

And the men of Israel said … it shall be, that the man who killeth him, the king will enrich him with great riches, and will give him his daughter, and make his father’s house free in Israel. 17.25

(I know, the verses are out of order, but hey, this is the Bible.)

Then Eliab, David’s oldest brother, said that David was just doing it because he had a proud, naughty heart and wanted to get out of watching the sheep.

Eliab’s anger was kindled against David, and he said, Why camest thou down hither? and with whom hast thou left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know thy pride, and the naughtiness of thine heart. 17.28

But David ignored Eliab and went to talk to King Saul.

David finds Saul and offers his services as giant killer but Saul is skeptical.

David said to Saul … thy servant will go and fight with this Philistine. And Saul said to David, Thou art not able to go against this Philistine to fight with him: for thou art but a youth, and he a man of war from his youth. 17.32-33

So David tells him a confusing story about how once, while tending sheep, he killed a lion (and a bear?) with his bare hands. God helped him kill the lion (and the bear?); he’ll do the same with the 10 foot giant.

David said unto Saul, Thy servant kept his father’s sheep, and there came a lion, and a bear, and took a lamb out of the flock: And I went out after him, and smote him, and delivered it out of his mouth: and when he arose against me, I caught him by his beard, and smote him, and slew him. Thy servant slew both the lion and the bear: and this uncircumcised Philistine shall be as one of them, seeing he hath defied the armies of the living God. David said moreover, The LORD that delivered me out of the paw of the lion, and out of the paw of the bear, he will deliver me out of the hand of this Philistine. 17.34-37a

So Saul gives David the job, putting his own sword, helmet, and coat of mail on him.

Saul said unto David, Go, and the LORD be with thee. And Saul armed David with his armour, and he put an helmet of brass upon his head; also he armed him with a coat of mail. 17.37b-38

But David wasn’t used to it, so he decided to go with just his staff, a sling, and five stones instead.

David said unto Saul, I cannot go with these; for I have not proved them. And David put them off him. And he took his staff in his hand, and chose him five smooth stones out of the brook, and put them in a shepherd’s bag which he had, even in a scrip; and his sling was in his hand: and he drew near to the Philistine. 17.39-40

As he was leaving, Saul said to his captain Abner, “Who’s son is that boy?”

When Saul saw David go forth against the Philistine, he said unto Abner, the captain of the host, Abner, whose son is this youth? And Abner said, As thy soul liveth, O king, I cannot tell. And the king said, Enquire thou whose son the stripling is. 17.55-56

[In the previous chapter (1 Samuel 16), Saul sent a messenger to tell Jesse to send his son David; David came and played his harp for Saul to get rid of God’s evil spirit, and Saul “loved him greatly” for it. Yet now he doesn’t even know who David is.]

So David goes off and confronts Goliath, after making a little speech.

Then said David to the Philistine, Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast defied. This day will the LORD deliver thee into mine hand; and I will smite thee, and take thine head from thee; and I will give the carcases of the host of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel. And all this assembly shall know that the LORD saveth not with sword and spear: for the battle is the LORD’s, and he will give you into our hands. 17.45-47

And you know the rest of the story: David killed Goliath, cut off his head and brought it to Jerusalem.

David put his hand in his bag, and took thence a stone, and slang it, and smote the Philistine in his forehead, that the stone sunk into his forehead; and he fell upon his face to the earth. So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and with a stone, and smote the Philistine, and slew him; but there was no sword in the hand of David. Therefore David ran, and stood upon the Philistine, and took his sword, and drew it out of the sheath thereof, and slew him, and cut off his head therewith. And when the Philistines saw their champion was dead, they fled … And David took the head of the Philistine, and brought it to Jerusalem. 17.49-54

(There is a completely different Bible story about Goliath’s death, but I’m going to ignore that for now. 2 Samuel 21:19 says that Elhanan killed Goliath.)

Note: Although the Bible doesn’t explicitly say that God helped David kill Goliath, David claims that he did. (“This day will the Lord deliver thee into mine hand.” 1 Sam 17.46) But whatever God’s involvement may have been in this killing, he clearly approved of it. So I’m including it on the list.

68. David buys a wife with 200 Philistine foreskins

1 Samuel 18.27

Number Killed: 200

Philistines

After David killed Goliath, Jonathan fell in love with him.

The soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. 1 Samuel 18.1

He loved him so much, in fact, that he stripped off all his clothes and gave them, along with his bow and sword, to David.

Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword, and to his bow, and to his girdle. 18.4

Of course, Jonathan wasn’t alone in this. Everyone loved David because he behaved so wisely.

David ... behaved himself wisely: and Saul set him over the men of war, and he was accepted in the sight of all the people, and also in the sight of Saul’s servants. 18.5

One day when David was returning from slaughtering Philistines, the young women from all the cities of Israel came to greet him. They danced and sang a song that went like this:

Saul hath slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands. 18.7

Saul didn’t like the song, though, because he, like God, was proud of his killings. So it pissed him off when the dancing girls praised David for killing ten times more than him.

Saul was very wroth, and the saying displeased him; and he said, They have ascribed unto David ten thousands, and to me they have ascribed but thousand. 18.8

So Saul was out to get David from that day forward.

Saul eyed David from that day and forward. 18.9

Anyway, the next thing you know God’s evil spirit is back and is all over Saul again. And guess what he did this time: he prophesied.

The evil spirit from God came upon Saul, and he prophesied. 18.10a

While Saul prophesied under the influence of God’s evil spirit, “David played with his hand” and Saul tried to kill him by throwing a spear at him. Twice. But he got away.

David played with his hand, as at other times: and there was a javelin in Saul’s hand. And Saul cast the javelin; for he said, I will smite David even to the wall with it. And David avoided out of his presence twice. 18.10b-11

Since Saul couldn’t kill David with his spear, he figured the next best thing would be to give David his oldest daughter as a wife.

Saul said to David, Behold my elder daughter Merab, her will I give thee to wife. 18.17

But David refused to take her.

David said unto Saul, Who am I … that I should be son in law to the king? 18.18

So he tried another daughter, Michal, who like everyone else “loved David.” But David refused her, too.

Michal Saul’s daughter loved David: and they told Saul, and the thing pleased him. And Saul said, I will give him her … And Saul commanded his servants, saying, Commune with David secretly, and say … be the king’s son in law … And David said, Seemeth it to you a light thing to be a king’s son in law, seeing that I am a poor man, and lightly esteemed? 18.20-23

Finally Saul came up with a deal that David just couldn’t refuse. He offered to sell Michal for 100 Philistine foreskins.

Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines. 18.25

And this “pleased David well.”

And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well. 18.26

He was so pleased, in fact, that he got a bit carried away and paid twice the asking price.

Wherefore David arose and went … and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king’s son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. 18.27

After David paid Saul the 200 foreskins, Saul knew for sure that “the Lord was with David.” (How else could David get so many foreskins?)

And Saul saw and knew that the LORD was with David. 18.28

69. The Lord said to David, Go and smite the Philistines

1 Samuel 23.5

Estimated Number Killed: 10,000

Philistines

This one is pretty simple. David heard that the Philistines were fighting the city of Keilah and robbing their threshing floors. So he asked God if he should go and smite them. And God said, “Yes, go smite them.”

David enquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go and smite these Philistines? And the LORD said unto David, Go, and smite the Philistines, and save Keilah. 1 Samuel 23.2

But David’s men were afraid of Philistines.

And David’s men said unto him, Behold, we be afraid here in Judah. 23.3

David asked God again, and God said, “Go smite them; I will deliver them into your hand.”

Then David enquired of the LORD yet again. And the LORD answered him and said, Arise, go down to Keilah; for I will deliver the Philistines into thine hand. 23.4

And so David went to fight the Philistines and he “smote them with a great slaughter.”

So David and his men went to Keilah, and fought with the Philistines, and brought away their cattle, and smote them with a great slaughter. 23.5

(Since this was “a great slaughter, I added another 10,000 to God’s total.)

70. God killed Nabal (and David got his wife and other stuff)

1 Samuel 25.38

Number Killed: 1

Nabal

After his last killing (69), David tracked down Saul and snuck in while Saul was “covering his feet” (the biblical equivalent of “going to the bathroom”) and cut off the end of Saul’s skirt.

Saul went in to cover his feet … Then David arose, and cut off the skirt of Saul’s robe privily. 1 Samuel 24.3-4

This feat impressed Saul so much that he said:

Thou art more righteous than I ... And now, behold, I know well that thou shalt surely be king. 24.17-20

And I suppose that I’d be pretty impressed too, if someone cut off my shirttail or something with a sword while I was doing my business without me even noticing.

After David’s amazing bathroom caper, he hung out “in the wilderness” with a gang of outlaws. While there, he heard about a rich man named Nabal and decided to send ten of his “young men” to pay him a visit. So they went and introduced themselves to Nabal and told him to give them whatever he owned.

Give, I pray thee, whatsoever cometh to thine hand unto thy servants, and to thy son David. 25.8

But Nabal was on to their protection racket. He refused to give his belongings to people he didn’t even know just to get them to go away and leave him alone.

Nabal answered David’s servants, and said, Who is David? and who is the son of Jesse? there be many servants now a days that break away every man from his master. Shall I then take my bread, and my water, and my flesh that I have killed for my shearers, and give it unto men, whom I know not whence they be? 25.10-11

When David heard about it, he swore he’d kill Nabal and all of his men (everyone that pisses against a wall).

So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall. 25.22

Meanwhile, Nabal’s wife, Abigail, decided to go visit David and try to smooth things over a bit. She brought lots of food and wine.

Then Abigail made haste, and took two hundred loaves, and two bottles of wine, and five sheep ready dressed, and five measures of parched corn, and an hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and laid them on asses. 25.18

And the bribe worked. David said that he no longer planned to kill every last swinging dick (those that piss against the wall).

Except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall. 25.34

Abigail returned home and found that Nabal was partying with his friends, celebrating his freedom from David’s extortion. She waited until he woke up the next morning, since he was too drunk the night before to tell him what had happened. (That she gave David a huge bribe to keep him from killing Nabal and his men.) When she told him, he had a stroke or heart attack and was paralyzed.

In the morning, when the wine was gone out of Nabal, and his wife had told him these things, that his heart died within him, and he became as a stone. 25.37

About ten days later, God killed him.

And it came to pass about ten days after, that the LORD smote Nabal, that he died. 25.38

When David heard that Nabal was dead,

He said, Blessed be the LORD ... And David sent and communed with Abigail, to take her to him to wife. 25.39

So God killed Nabal and David got his wife and all his other stuff.

(Actually he got two new wives, Abigail and Ahinoam, along with five other “damsels.” But Saul gave away his first wife to some other guy. So, for those keeping score, I guess he gained seven wives and lost one. I don’t know what happened to all the wall pissers.)

71. David commits random acts of genocide (as a mercenary for the Philistines)

1 Samuel 27.8-11

Estimated Number Killed: 60,000

Six genocides

In 1 Samuel 24, David snuck in and cut off Saul’s skirt while he (Saul, that is) was defecating. And Saul didn’t even notice.

Yeah, well, that worked out so well for David that he decided to try something like it again. This time, though, he snuck into Saul’s camp and stole his sword and water jug while Saul was sleeping.

So David and Abishai came to the people by night: and, behold, Saul lay sleeping within the trench, and his spear stuck in the ground at his bolster: but Abner and the people lay round about him … So David took the spear and the cruse of water from Saul’s bolster; and they gat them away, and no man saw it, nor knew it, neither awaked: for they were all asleep; because a deep sleep from the LORD was fallen upon them. 1 Samuel 26.7-12

Not nearly as impressive, I’d say. Especially when you consider that “a deep sleep from the LORD was fallen upon them.” That sounds like cheating to me.

But Saul went gaga over it, just like he did for David’s last trick. Here’s what he said when David waved Saul’s sword and water jug in front of him:

I have sinned: return, my son David: for I will no more do thee harm, because my soul was precious in thine eyes this day: behold, I have played the fool, and have erred exceedingly. ... Blessed be thou, my son David: thou shalt both do great things, and also shalt still prevail. 26.21- 25

But David still didn’t trust Saul, so he decided to join up with the Philistines. And every day he and his men would go out and slaughter people. The Philistine king would ask him, “Hey David, who’d you slaughter today” and he’d say, “Oh the south of Judah, or the Jerahmeelites, or the Kenites, or the Geshurites, or the Gezrites, or the Amalekites, or the Egyptians.”

And David and his men went up, and invaded the Geshurites, and the Gezrites, and the Amalekites ... even unto the land of Egypt. ... And Achish said, Whither have ye made a road to day? And David said, Against the south of Judah, and against the south of the Jerahmeelites, and against the south of the Kenites. 27.8-10

He was a killing machine. Every day he slaughtered thousands of people for the Philistines. And he killed everyone: women, children, babies, the aged, the sick, the poor. Everyone.

And David saved neither man nor woman alive. 27.11

So the Philistine king, Achish, loved David because David killed Israelites along with everybody else.

And Achish believed David, saying, He hath made his people Israel utterly to abhor him; therefore he shall be my servant for ever. 27.12

(David brags about at least six genocides in 1 Sam 27.8-10. So I’ll add another 60,000 to the total, 10,000 for each genocide.)

72. David spends the day killing Amalekites

1 Samuel 30.17

Estimated Number Killed: 1,000

Amalekites

While David was hanging out with the Philistines performing daily acts of genocide for them (71), disaster struck. The Philistines were attacked by the Amalekites.

That’s right, the Amalekites. You know, the ones that God hates more than any other people, and that’s saying something since God hates everyone except for the Israelites (and he hates them sometimes, too).

How much does God hate the Amalekites? Well, just listen to him.

The LORD hath sworn that the LORD will have war with Amalek from generation to generation. Exodus 17.16

Thou shalt blot out the remembrance of Amalek from under heaven; thou shalt not forget it. Deuteronomy 25.19

Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. 1 Samuel 15.2-3

So we know for sure that God hates Amalekites. That’s why he ordered the Israelites to kill them all. And the Israelites did just that (65, 66).

Yet here, just a few years after they were completely killed in a God-ordered genocide, they attack the Philistines. I guess sometimes you have to kill people several times to make sure they’re not merely dead, but positively, absolutely, undeniably, reliably, and sincerely dead.

What I find especially interesting in this story, though, is that the Amalekites show some mercy to the Philistines. Rather than utterly destroying them, slaying “both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass” as God told the Israelites to do (65), they “slew not any, either great or small, but carried them away, and went on their way.”

The Amalekites … slew not any, either great or small, but carried them away, and went on their way. 1 Samuel 30.1-2

Yet the most common excuse that believers give for God’s genocidal commands on the Amalekites is that the Amalekites were so evil that they all had to be killed—even their woman, children, infants, and babies.

When David and his merry men return to Ziklag (the Philistine city that the Amalekites destroyed), they wept until they couldn’t weep any longer.

So David and his men came to the city, and, behold, it was burned with fire; and their wives, and their sons, and their daughters, were taken captives. Then David and the people that were with him lifted up their voice and wept, until they had no more power to weep. 30.3-4

Then they got up and talked about stoning David to death.

David was greatly distressed; for the people spake of stoning him. 30.6

Meanwhile, David asked a priest to use his ephod to ask God what he should do. (An ephod is sort of a biblical version of a magic eight ball or a coin toss. It only works on yes or no questions.)

David said to Abiathar the priest, Ahimelech’s son, I pray thee, bring me hither the ephod. And Abiathar brought thither the ephod to David. And David enquired at the LORD, saying, Shall I pursue after this troop? shall I overtake them? 30.7-8a

So the priest got out his trusty ephod and asked God if David should kill the Amalekites. God said “Heck Yeah. Go kill the Amalekites (one more time) and get back all your wives and other stuff.”

He answered him, Pursue: for thou shalt surely overtake them, and without fail recover all. 30.8b

So that’s what they did. David and 400 of his men (he left 200 behind because they were just too tired to kill people) spent the day killing Amalekites. They killed them all, except for 400 guys who escaped on camels.

David smote them from the twilight even unto the evening of the next day: and there escaped not a man of them, save four hundred young men, which rode upon camels, and fled. 30.17

So David got back all of his stuff, including his two wives.

David recovered all that the Amalekites had carried away: and David rescued his two wives. 30.18

And he shared the plunder will his men, even those that were too tired to kill.

David was such a nice guy. You can see why God liked him so much.

(The text doesn’t say how many Amalekites were killed. I’ll just say 1000.)

73. God killed Saul (and his sons and soldiers) for not killing all the Amalekites

1 Samuel 31.1-4

Estimated Number Killed: 100

Saul, his sons (Jonathan, Abinadab, and Melchishua), and his soldiers

In God’s 65th killing, Saul killed every Amalekite man, woman, child, infant, and baby – just like God told him to. Well, almost anyway. He kept one guy alive: King Agag. And God never forgave him for it.

Because Saul didn’t completely perform God’s commandment (to commit complete genocide on the Amalekites), God repented of making Saul king and gave his kingdom to David.

But that wasn’t the only punishment God had in mind. Now God just needed to find a way to tell Saul about it.

He did it through a dead man (Samuel) who was brought back to life by a witch.

Samuel’s ghost told Saul that tomorrow God would kill Saul and his sons by delivering the Israelite army into the hands of the Philistines.

Because thou obeyedst not the voice of the LORD, nor executedst his fierce wrath upon Amalek, therefore … the LORD will also deliver Israel with thee into the hand of the Philistines: and to morrow shalt thou and thy sons be with me [i.e., you and your sons will be dead]: the LORD also shall deliver the host of Israel into the hand of the Philistines. 1 Samuel 28.18-19

Well, I don’t know if it was the next day or not but the Philistines attacked and the Israelites “fell down slain in mount Gilboa.”

Now the Philistines fought against Israel: and the men of Israel fled from before the Philistines, and fell down slain in mount Gilboa. 1 Samuel 31.1

So that left Saul and his sons. God took care of Saul’s sons by having the Philistines kill them. (I know it sounds cruel, but they deserved it since their father saved one Amalekite alive and God told him to kill them all.)

The Philistines followed hard upon Saul and upon his sons; and the Philistines slew Jonathan, and Abinadab, and Melchishua, Saul’s sons. 1 Samuel 31.2

Saul must have been especially hard for God to kill, though, because he had to do it four different ways.

Saul committed suicide.

Therefore Saul took a sword, and fell upon it. So Saul died. 1 Samuel 31.4

Then said Saul to his armourbearer, Draw thy sword, and thrust me through therewith; lest these uncircumcised come and abuse me. But his armourbearer would not; for he was sore afraid. So Saul took a sword, and fell upon it. 1 Chronicles 10.4

An Amalekite killed him.

And he [Saul] said unto me, Who art thou? And I answered him, I am an Amalekite. He said unto me again, Stand, I pray thee, upon me, and slay me. So I stood upon him, and slew him. 2 Samuel 1.8-10

The Philistines killed him.

The Philistines had slain Saul. 2 Samuel 21.12

God killed him.

So Saul died for his transgression which he committed against the LORD, even against the word of the LORD, which he kept not, and also for asking counsel of one that had a familiar spirit, to enquire of it; And enquired not of the LORD: therefore he slew him, and turned the kingdom unto David the son of Jesse. 1 Chronicles 10.13-14

But one way or another, God got the job done, and Saul, his three sons, and who knows how many Israelite soldiers all died—because God was pissed off at Saul for the incomplete genocide of the Amalekites. Or was it for not inquiring of the Lord? (1 Chr 10.14) I guess it really doesn’t matter, does it? God can kill anyone for any reason, or for no reason at all, and every believer will be OK with it.

(Saul and his three sons were killed along with the Israelite soldiers. Since the Bible doesn’t say anything about how many soldiers were killed, I guessed 100.)

74. David killed the messenger

2 Samuel 1.15

Number Killed: 1

An Amalekite messenger

The first verse of Second Samuel is this:

Now it came to pass after the death of Saul, when David was returned from the slaughter of the Amalekites, and David had abode two days in Ziklag. 2 Samuel 1.1

That’s right. Second Samuel begins with David returning “from the slaughter of the Amalekites.” It’s hard to see how David could have found any Amalekites to slaughter since Saul killed them all just a little while before (65), but maybe God created some more Amalekites just so David could slaughter them again. He might have. He’s the type.

In any case, when David came back from slaughtering Amalekites, a messenger was waiting for him. And who do you think the messenger was? That’s right, an Amalekite!

I am an Amalekite. 1.8

The Amalekite told David that when Saul was mortally wounded, he asked him to put him out of his misery. So he did. Then he removed Saul’s bracelet and crown and brought them to David.

So I stood upon him, and slew him, because I was sure that he could not live after that he was fallen: and I took the crown that was upon his head, and the bracelet that was on his arm, and have brought them hither unto my lord. 1.10

When David heard this, he and all of his men “rent their clothes” (Bible folks are always doing that).

Then David took hold on his clothes, and rent them; and likewise all the men that were with him. 1.11

David then thanked the Amalekite for his kindness by having one of his “young men fall upon him.”

David called one of the young men, and said, Go near, and fall upon him. And he smote him that he died. 1.15

75. David killed Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hung their bodies over the pool

2 Samuel 4.12

Number Killed: 2

Rechab and Baanah

After Saul’s death, David became king of Judah and Saul’s son, Ishbosheth, king of Israel. Things didn’t go well for poor Ishbosheth, though. First his father and brothers were killed by God (73). Then his captain, Abner, was killed by David’s captain, Joel. And his army was always fighting a losing battle with David’s. He was about ready to call it quits.

When Saul’s son heard that Abner was dead in Hebron, his hands were feeble, and all the Israelites were troubled. 2 Samuel 4.1

After Abner died, Rechab and Baanah became Ishbosheth’s captains.

Saul’s son had two men that were captains of bands: the name of the one was Baanah, and the name of the other Rechab. 4.2

One day Rechab and Baanah went to visit Ishbosheth, who was taking a nap at the time.

Rechab and Baanah, went, and came about the heat of the day to the house of Ishbosheth, who lay on a bed at noon. 4.5

They pretended to be picking up some wheat, but they really stopped by to kill him. And they “smote him under the fifth rib” (the preferred place to smite someone in the Bible).

They came thither into the midst of the house, as though they would have fetched wheat; and they smote him under the fifth rib. 4.6

After smiting him, they cut off his head and took it to David.

When they came into the house, he lay on his bed in his bedchamber, and they smote him, and slew him, and beheaded him, and took his head. And they brought the head of Ishbosheth unto David. 4.7-8

They figured David would be pleased, since he and Ishbosheth were enemies. But they were wrong.

David told them about how he killed the Amalekite who killed Saul (74), even though Saul asked him to since he was mortally wounded. Now he was going to kill them for killing Saul’s son, Ishbosheth.

When one told me, saying, Behold, Saul is dead, thinking to have brought good tidings, I took hold of him, and slew him … How much more, when wicked men have slain a righteous person in his own house upon his bed? 4.10-11

So David had his “young men” kill Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hang their bodies up over the pool in Hebron.

David commanded his young men, and they slew them, and cut off their hands and their feet, and hanged them up over the pool in Hebron. 4.12

Mutilated bodies hanging over pools make such nice decorations!

76. God helps David smite the Philistines from the front and the rear

2 Samuel 5.19-25

Estimated Number Killed: 2,000

Philistines

Now that Ishbosheth is dead, David is king of both Israel and Judah, and he’s fighting his old friends, the Philistines—with God’s help, of course.

God is David’s military adviser. David asked him if he should attack the Philistines, and God said, “Attack: I will help you kill them.”

David enquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go up to the Philistines? wilt thou deliver them into mine hand? And the LORD said unto David, Go up: for I will doubtless deliver the Philistines into thine hand. 2 Samuel 5.19

When they finished slaughtering the Philistines, David asked God if they should do it again. And God said, “Yeah, let’s do it again. Only this time attack from behind when you hear troops marching in the tree tops.”

When David enquired of the LORD, he said, Thou shalt not go up; but fetch a compass behind them, and come upon them over against the mulberry trees. Then shall the LORD go out before thee, to smite the host of the Philistines. And let it be, when thou hearest the sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry trees, that then thou shalt bestir thyself: for then shall the LORD go out before thee, to smite the host of the Philistines. 5.23-24

God, I tell you, is a military genius!

So David waited until he heard noises in the mulberry trees and then followed God, smiting the Philistines from behind.

And David did so, as the LORD had commanded him; and smote the Philistines. 5.25

The Bible doesn’t say how many Philistines died in these two killings, so I’ll just give it the usual 1000 for each.

77. God killed Uzzah for trying to keep the ark from falling

2 Samuel 6.7

Number Killed: 1

Uzzah

The ark of the Lord is nothing but trouble.

Remember when the Philistines had it? God plagued them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts, so they sent it to one city after another. But God’s hemorrhoid’s followed the ark wherever it went. (59).

Finally the Philistines got rid of the damned thing by giving God five golden hemorrhoids and sending the ark to Bethshemesh. But then the Bethshemeshites looked into the ark (all of them?), so God killed 50,070 (60).

And now David decides to bring the ark back to Jerusalem. During the trip David and his gang of 30,000 were madly singing and dancing away, when the oxen stumbled and the ark started to fall. Uzzah reached out and tried to steady the cart and, in so doing, touched the ark of the Lord. So God, of course, had to kill him.

That was the condensed version. Here’s the story from the Bible.

David gathered together all the chosen men of Israel, thirty thousand. And David arose, and went with all the people that were with him from Baale of Judah, to bring up from thence the ark of God … And they set the ark of God upon a new cart … and Uzzah … drave the new cart … David and all the house of Israel played before the LORD on all manner of instruments made of fir wood, even on harps, and on psalteries, and on timbrels, and on cornets, and on cymbals. And when they came to Nachon’s threshingfloor, Uzzah put forth his hand to the ark of God, and took hold of it; for the oxen shook it. And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Uzzah; and God smote him there for his error; and there he died by the ark of God. 2 Samuel 6.1-7

I guess it was God’s way of saying, “Thanks Uzzah.”

78. David killed two-thirds of the Moabite POWs and enslaved the rest

2 Samuel 8.1-2

Estimated Number Killed: 667

Moabites

How should we treat prisoners of war? Fortunately, as with so many difficult questions, the Bible has the answer!

Bible believers don’t need to worry about the Geneva Convention. God tells them directly what to do with their POWs in the Bible. All they have to do is follow David’s example.

David ... smote Moab, and measured them with a line, casting them down to the ground; even with two lines measured he to put to death, and with one full line to keep alive. And so the Moabites became David’s servants, and brought gifts. 2 Samuel 8:1-2

So when it comes to POWs, we know what is right in the eyes of the Lord: kill two-thirds of them and enslave the rest.

That is the Bible’s infallible answer.

(My estimate of 667 is two thirds of the standard Biblical slaughter of 1000.)

79. The Lord gave David victory wherever he went

2 Samuel 8.5-6

Number Killed: 65,850 Syrians plus about 1000 Philistines

Philistines and Syrians

As I mentioned in the introduction, God approved all of David’s killings (except for the matter of Uriah).

David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite. 1 Kings 15:5

He even helped out with most of them. Still, some of the ones from 2 Samuel 8-10 are just too damned boring to deal with separately, so I’m lumping them together here.

2 Samuel 8 begins by telling us that David somehow found some more Philistines to smite.

It came to pass that David smote the Philistines, and subdued them. 2 Samuel 8:1

Then David smote Hadadezer, the king of Zobah, “taking” 1000 chariots, 700 (or 7000, if you believe the story in 1 Chronicles 18:3-4) horsemen, and 20,000 foot soldiers. [Since the text doesn’t say that David killed the 20,700 (or 27,000) soldiers, I’n not counting them as killings.]

David smote also Hadadezer ... king of Zobah ... And David took from him a thousand chariots, and seven hundred horsemen, and twenty thousand footmen. 2 Samuel 8:3-4a

David smote Hadarezer king of Zobah ... And David took from him a thousand chariots, and seven thousand horsemen, and twenty thousand footmen. 1 Chronicles 18:3-4

David hamstrung (“houghed” in the KJV) all but 100 of the 1000 horses.

David houghed all the chariot horses, but reserved of them for an hundred chariots. 2 Samuel 8:4b

Then he killed 22,000 Syrians. “And the Lord gave David victory wherever he went.” (NIV)

When the Syrians of Damascus came to succour Hadadezer king of Zobah, David slew of the Syrians two and twenty thousand men … and the Syrians became servants to David, and brought gifts. … And the LORD preserved David whithersoever he went. 2 Samuel 8.5-6

And another 40,700 Syrians (or was it 47,000?).

The Syrians fled before Israel; and David slew the men of seven hundred chariots of the Syrians, and forty thousand horsemen. 2 Samuel 10.18

But the Syrians fled before Israel; and David slew of the Syrians seven thousand men which fought in chariots, and forty thousand footmen. 1 Chronicles 19.8

So I’ll give David (and God) credit for 66,850: 1000 Philistines and 65,850 Syrians. (22,000 in the first killing and 43,850 in the second, taking the average of 47,000 and 40,070 from the stories in 2 Samuel 10 and 1 Chronicles 19.)

80. David killed every male in Edom

2 Samuel 8.13-14, 1 Kings 11.15-16, 1 Chronicles 18.12, Psalm 60.1

15,000 Syrian (or Edomite) soldiers plus every male in Edom (~50,000)

Syrians and Edomites

There’s not a lot to go on here, just a few contradictory verses from four different books.

There’s a one-verse story from 2 Samuel saying that David got a name for himself by killing 18,000 Syrians in the valley of salt.

David gat him a name when he returned from smiting of the Syrians in the valley of salt, being eighteen thousand men. 2 Samuel 8.13

Then there’s a (sort of) similar verse from 1 Chronicles that agrees with 2 Samuel on the number killed (18,000) and the site of the killing (the valley of salt), but disagrees about the identities of the killer (Abishai vs. David) and the people killed (Syrians vs. Edomites).

Abishai … slew of the Edomites in the valley of salt eighteen thousand. 1 Chronicles 18.12

And there’s a Psalm story that says it was Joab who killed 12,000 in the valley of salt with the candlestick (or was it the lead pipe?).

Joab returned, and smote of Edom in the valley of salt twelve thousand. Psalm 60.1

There’s something else we are told about this killing. After the 18,000 (or 12,000) Edomites (or Syrians) were killed in the valley of salt by David (or Abishai or Joab), Joab killed every male in Edom.

When David was in Edom, and Joab the captain of the host was gone up to bury the slain, after he had smitten every male in Edom; (For six months did Joab remain there with all Israel, until he had cut off every male in Edom:) 1 Kings 11.15-16

So how many were killed in this killing? 18,000 or 12,000 in the valley of salt? And how many males were killed in Edom in Joab’s male genocide?

I’ll take 15,000 (the average of 12,000 and 18,000) for the number of Edomite (or Syrian) soldiers that were killed, and guess that 50,000 males of all ages were slaughtered, for a total of 65,000 in all.

81. Thus did David unto all the children of Ammon

2 Samuel 11.1, 1 Chronicles 20.1

Estimated Number Killed: 1,000

Ammonites

I’m not sure what “thus” was, but it whatever it was, it wasn’t very nice.

First David sent Joab “and all Israel,” and “they destroyed the children of Ammon” and besieged the city of Rabbah.

At the time when kings go forth to battle … David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel; and they destroyed the children of Ammon, and besieged Rabbah. 2 Samuel 11.1

Joab led forth the power of the army, and wasted the country of the children of Ammon, and came and besieged Rabbah. But David tarried at Jerusalem. And Joab smote Rabbah, and destroyed it. 1 Chronicles 20.1

Then he went to Rabbah and put a gold crown on his head that weighed one talent (about 30 kilograms).

David …went to Rabbah and … took their king’s crown from off his head, the weight whereof was a talent of gold with the precious stones: and it was set on David’s head. And he brought forth the spoil of the city in great abundance. Samuel 12.30

And finally he did this to “all the cities of the children of Ammon”:

He brought forth the people that were therein, and put them under saws, and under harrows of iron, and under axes of iron, and made them pass through the brick-kiln: and thus did he unto all the cities of the children of Ammon. Samuel 12.31

David’s treatment of the Ammonites is stated a bit more clearly in the 1 Chronicles version of this story.

He brought out the people that were in it, and cut them with saws, and with harrows of iron, and with axes. Even so dealt David with all the cities of the children of Ammon. 1 Chronicles 20.3

Neither story says how many Ammonites were killed. I’ll guess 1000.

82. God slowly kills a baby

2 Samuel 12.15-18

Number Killed: 1

David and Bathsheba’s baby boy

You’ve probably heard the story about David and Bathsheba. You know, the one where David sees Bathsheba taking a bath, and since he likes what he sees, he has sex with her.

In an eveningtide, that David arose from off his bed, and walked upon the roof of the king’s house: and from the roof he saw a woman washing herself; and the woman was very beautiful to look upon. And David sent and enquired after the woman. And one said, Is not this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite? And David sent messengers, and took her; and she came in unto him, and he lay with her. 2 Samuel 11.2-4

She becomes pregnant with David’s child and David sends her husband (Uriah) into the front lines to be killed.

The woman conceived, and sent and told David, and said, I am with child. 11.5

In the morning … David wrote a letter to Joab, and sent it by the hand of Uriah … saying, Set ye Uriah in the forefront of the hottest battle, and retire ye from him, that he may be smitten, and die … And Uriah the Hittite died. 11.14-17

Well, that’s not what this story is about. In fact, the killing of Uriah is the only one of David’s many killings that God disapproved of. David had Uriah killed and God had nothing to do with it.

The thing that David had done displeased the LORD. 11.27

God was displeased with David for killing Uriah and taking his wife, but he forgave him for it.

The LORD also hath put away thy sin; thou shalt not die. 12.13

Still, God had to do something to show his displeasure. Here’s what he decided to do: he’d have David’s wives raped by his neighbor while everyone else watches.

Thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will raise up evil against thee out of thine own house, and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbour, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun. 12.11

It turns out that the “neighbor” that God sends to do his dirty work is David’s own son, Absalom.

Ahithophel said unto Absalom, Go in unto thy father’s concubines, which he hath left to keep the house … So they spread Absalom a tent upon the top of the house; and Absalom went in unto his father’s concubines in the sight of all Israel. 2 Samuel 16.21-22

But that didn’t quite do it. David had caused God’s enemies to blaspheme, so God had to give them something else to blaspheme about. But what?

Because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme… 12.14a

Kill the baby, that’s what.

…the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die. 12.14b

And that’s what God did, but not all at once. He let the baby suffer for a while.

The LORD struck the child that Uriah’s wife bare unto David, and it was very sick. 12.15

When God made the baby sick, David pleaded with God to stop tormenting him. But God wouldn’t listen.

David therefore besought God for the child; and David fasted, and went in, and lay all night upon the earth. 12.16

Finally, after the baby suffered for seven days, God killed him.

On the seventh day, that the child died. 12.18

After the baby died, David washed, got dressed, had a nice meal, and worshiped the God who killed his son.

David arose from the earth, and washed, and anointed himself, and changed his apparel, and came into the house of the LORD, and worshipped: then he ... did eat. 12.20

The story has a happy ending, though. After Bathsheba’s baby boy is killed by God, David comforts her by going “in unto her.” (He’s such a nice guy!)

David comforted Bathsheba his wife, and went in unto her. 12.24a

And Bathsheba conceives and bears another son (Solomon).

And she bare a son, and he called his name Solomon. 12.24b

And God loved Solomon.

And the LORD loved him. 12.24c

He probably said to himself, as the Brick Testament (www.bricktestament.com) suggests, “I don’t think I’ll kill this one.”

83. Famine and human sacrifice: Seven sons of Saul are hung up before the Lord

2 Samuel 21.1-9

Estimated Number Killed: 3,000

2 sons and 5 grandsons of Saul, plus those that died in the famine

It all started with one of God’s famous three-year famines. David asked God why he sent the famine.

Then there was a famine in the days of David three years, year after year; and David enquired of the LORD. 2 Samuel 21.1a

God said it was because Saul killed some Gibeonites. (The Bible doesn’t say when or where Saul supposedly did this.)

The LORD answered, It is for Saul, and for his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites. 21.1b

So David asked the Gibeonites what he could do to make atonement.

Wherefore David said unto the Gibeonites, What shall I do for you? and wherewith shall I make the atonement? 21.3

The Gibeonites said that David should give them Saul’s seven sons so they could hang them up before the Lord.

They answered the king ... Let seven men of his sons be delivered unto us, and we will hang them up unto the LORD. 21.5-6

David agreed, giving them two of Saul’s sons and five of his grandsons. “And they hanged them in the hill before the Lord.”

The king took the two sons of Rizpah the daughter of Aiah, whom she bare unto Saul, Armoni and Mephibosheth; and the five sons of Michal the daughter of Saul ... And he delivered them into the hands of the Gibeonites, and they hanged them in the hill before the LORD. 21.8-9

And that satisfied God so that he quit starving the Israelites.

And after that God was intreated for the land. 21.14

The Bible doesn’t say how many Israelites died in God’s three year famine. I’ll guess 3000, 1000 for each year for the famine.

84. David’s mighty men and their amazing killings

2 Samuel 23, 1 Chronicles 11

Estimated Number Killed: 3,400
1403 plus two “great victories”

There is a list of crazy single-handed killings in 2 Samuel 23 and 1 Chronicles 11 that God obviously approved of since the Bible brags about them so much. I’m including them all here.

These be the names of the mighty men whom David had: 2 Samuel 23:8a

These also are the chief of the mighty men whom David had ... to make him king, according to the word of the LORD concerning Israel. And this is the number of the mighty men whom David had: 1 Chronicles 11:10-11a

Adino and/or Jashobeam
There is some confusion about this one. Who was the chief of David’s captains (Adino or Jashobeam) and how many did he kill with his spear at one time (300 or 800)? Was it two different captains in two different slaughters? I’ll give them both credit and call it 1100.

The Tachmonite that sat in the seat, chief among the captains; the same was Adino the Eznite: he lift up his spear against eight hundred, whom he slew at one time. 2 Samuel 23:8

Jashobeam, an Hachmonite, the chief of the captains: he lifted up his spear against three hundred slain by him at one time. 1 Chronicles 11:11b

The son of Dodo
Next we have the son of Dodo who smote Philistines until his hand stuck to his sword, “and the LORD wrought a great victory that day.” It doesn’t say how many he killed; I’ll guess 1000.

Eleazar the son of Dodo ... smote the Philistines until his hand was weary, and his hand clave unto the sword: and the LORD wrought a great victory that day. 2 Samuel 23:9-10

Eleazar the son of Dodo ... one of the three mighties ... slew the Philistines; and the LORD saved them by a great deliverance. 1 Chronicles 11:12-14

Shammah
Shammah isn’t mentioned in the 1 Chronicles account, but according to 2 Samuel, God was involved since “the Lord wrought a great victory.” I’ll give God and Shammah credit for another 1000 for this “great victory.”

Shammah the son of Agee ... slew the Philistines: and the LORD wrought a great victory. 2 Samuel 23:11-12

Abishai
Abishai killed 300 Philistines with his spear.

Abishai ... lifted up his spear against three hundred, and slew them. 2 Samuel 23:18

Abishai the brother of Joab, he was chief of the three: for lifting up his spear against three hundred, he slew them. 1 Chronicles 11:20

Benaiah
This one is my favorite. Banaiah killed two lion-like men and then a lion in a snowy pit. After that he killed a good-looking, 7.5 foot tall Egyptian with the Egyptian’s spear.

Benaiah the son of Jehoiada ... slew two lionlike men of Moab: he went down also and slew a lion in the midst of a pit in time of snow. And he slew an Egyptian, a goodly man: and the Egyptian had a spear in his hand. 2 Samuel 23:20-21

Benaiah the son of Jehoiada ... slew two lionlike men of Moab: also he went down and slew a lion in a pit in a snowy day. And he slew an Egyptian, a man of great stature, five cubits high; and in the Egyptian’s hand was a spear like a weaver’s beam; and he went down to him with a staff, and plucked the spear out of the Egyptian’s hand, and slew him with his own spear. 1 Chronicles 11:22-23

85. God killed 70,000 because David had a census that God (or Satan) told him to do

2 Samuel 24.1, 1 Chronicles 21.1

Estimated Number Killed: 200,000

Number of Israelite men killed: 70,000

This is not an easy one to explain, but I’ll give it a try.

It all starts with God telling David to do a census, you know like the one the U.S. Constitution requires us to do every ten years.

And again the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel, and he moved David against them to say, Go, number Israel and Judah. 2 Samuel 24.1

Or was it Satan that asked David to do the census, as it says in 1 Chronicles 21.1?

Satan stood up against Israel, and provoked David to number Israel. 1 Chronicles 21.1

Oh well, maybe it was both. They often work together (130). In any case, David sent Joab out to take the census, and after 9 months and 20 days, Joab came back with the results: there were 800,000 sword-yielding men in Israel and 500,000 in Judah.

So when they had gone through all the land, they came to Jerusalem at the end of nine months and twenty days. And Joab gave up the sum of the number of the people unto the king: and there were in Israel eight hundred thousand valiant men that drew the sword; and the men of Judah were five hundred thousand men. 2 Samuel 24.8-9

Or was it was 1,100,000 and 470,000 men in Israel and Judah, as it says in 1 Chronicles 21:5?

Joab gave the sum of the number of the people unto David. And all they of Israel were a thousand thousand and an hundred thousand men that drew sword: and Judah was four hundred threescore and ten thousand men that drew sword. 1 Chronicles 21.5

Whichever it may have been, either is comparable to the number of active duty soldiers in the U.S. military today. Not bad for small tribal kingdom in 1000 BCE!

After the census, David decided that he had done something wrong, which is weird since he had only taken a census that God told him to take.

David’s heart smote him after that he had numbered the people. And David said unto the LORD, I have sinned greatly in that I have done. 2 Samuel 24.10

And God was angry, too, at least that’s what the prophet Gad told him. Gad said God offered David three choices:

Thus saith the LORD, I offer thee three things; choose thee one of them, that I may do it unto thee. 2 Samuel 24.11-12

1. Seven years of famine,

Shall seven years of famine come unto thee in thy land? 2 Samuel 24.11-1

(or three years if you believe the story in 1 Chronicles 21)

Either three years’ famine. 1 Chronicles 21.13a

2. Three months of losing battles,

Or wilt thou flee three months before thine enemies, while they pursue thee? 2 Samuel 24.13b

3. Three days of pestilence.

Or that there be three days’ pestilence in they land? 2 Samuel 24.13c

David couldn’t decide, so God decided for him. God chose the three days of pestilence, thereby killing 70,000 men, which would mean at least a couple hundred thousand people (since only men count to God).

So the LORD sent a pestilence upon Israel from the morning even to the time appointed: and there died of the people from Dan even to Beersheba seventy thousand men. 2 Samuel 24.15

But God was still pissed off, even after he finished killing a couple hundred thousand people in the pestilence. So he sent an angel to destroy the city of Jerusalem. But before the angel destroyed the city, God “repented him of the evil” that he intended to do, and he told the angel to stop.

When the angel stretched out his hand upon Jerusalem to destroy it, the LORD repented him of the evil, and said to the angel that destroyed the people, It is enough: stay now thine hand. 2 Samuel 24.16

When David saw the angel that was still killing people, he said, “I’ve sinned, but what have these people done?” A good question, that God, of course, completely ignores.

David spake unto the LORD when he saw the angel that smote the people, and said, Lo, I have sinned, and I have done wickedly: but these sheep, what have they done? 2 Samuel 24.17

Finally, Gad tells David to buy some land, make an altar, and kill some animals to make God quit killing people. So David buys some land for 50 shekels of silver (or 600 shekels of gold if you prefer the story in 1 Chronicles 21), sets up an altar, and kills some animals for God.

Gad came that day to David, and said unto him, Go up, rear an altar unto the LORD in the threshingfloor of Araunah the Jebusite ... So David bought the threshingfloor and the oxen for fifty shekels of silver. And David built there an altar unto the LORD, and offered burnt offerings and peace offerings. So the LORD was intreated for the land, and the plague was stayed from Israel. 2 Samuel 24.18-25

And God finally stopped killing people.

So the LORD was intreated for the land, and the plague was stayed from Israel. 2 Samuel 24.25

86. Solomon carried out the deathbed wish of David by having Joab and Shimei murdered

1 Kings 2.29-46

Number Killed: 2

Joab and Shimei

You can tell a lot about a person by his or her last words. Take David’s last words, for example.

In David’s last words to his son Solomon, he asked him to murder Joab.

Now the days of David drew nigh that he should die; and he charged Solomon his son, saying … thou knowest also what Joab the son of Zeruiah did to me … let not his hoar head go down to the grave in peace. 1 Kings 2.1-6

So Solomon sent Benaiah to murder Joab.

It was told king Solomon that Joab was fled unto the tabernacle of the LORD; and, behold, he is by the altar. Then Solomon sent Benaiah … saying, Go, fall upon him … So Benaiah … fell upon him, and slew him. 2.29-34

And another person that David asked his son to murder was Shimei.

Thou hast with thee Shimei … which cursed me with a grievous curse in the day when I went to Mahanaim: but he came down to meet me at Jordan, and I sware to him by the LORD, saying, I will not put thee to death with the sword. Now therefore hold him not guiltless: for thou art a wise man, and knowest what thou oughtest to do unto him; but his hoar head bring thou down to the grave with blood. 1 Kings 2.8-9

So Solomon sent Benaiah to “fall on” Shimei, too.

So the king commanded Benaiah ... which went out, and fell upon him, that he died. 1 Kings 2.44-46

God, of course, wanted these people murdered, too. He approved of everything David did, except for the matter of Uriah (1 Kings 15.5).

87. A tale of two prophets

1 Kings 13.23-24

Number Killed: 1

A man of God

The story begins with an old, nameless prophet from Bethel who found another nameless prophet, the “man of God” from Judah, sitting under an oak tree.

Now there dwelt an old prophet in Bethel ... And he ... went after the man of God, and found him sitting under an oak. 1 Kings 13.11-14

The old prophet invited the man of God to come over to his house to eat, but the man of God said that he couldn’t, since God told him not to eat or drink anything.

Then he said unto him, Come home with me, and eat bread. And he said, I may not return with thee, nor go in with thee: neither will I eat bread nor drink water with thee in this place: For it was said to me by the word of the LORD, Thou shalt eat no bread nor drink water there. 13.15-17

But the old prophet told the man of God that he was also a prophet and that an angel told him to go find the man of God, bring him back to his house, and give him some food and water.

He said unto him, I am a prophet also as thou art; and an angel spake unto me by the word of the LORD, saying, Bring him back with thee into thine house, that he may eat bread and drink water. 13.18a

Too bad for the man of God, but the old prophet was lying. (If you can’t trust an old prophet, who can you trust?)

But he lied unto him. 13.18b

So the man of God went to eat at the lying, old prophet’s house.

So he went back with him, and did eat bread in his house, and drank water. 13.19

Then God told the man of God (through the mouth of his lying prophet) that God was pissed at him for...I don’t know what. Eating and drinking when God told him not to (even though a prophet of God told him that God said that he should)? Believing a lying prophet of God? What?

I don’t know. But here’s what the God’s lying prophet said:

The word of the LORD came unto the prophet ... saying, Thus saith the LORD, Forasmuch as thou hast disobeyed the mouth of the LORD ... But camest back, and hast eaten bread and drunk water ... thy carcase shall not come unto the sepulchre of thy fathers. 13.20-22

After the meal, the man of God went on his way. And then a lion met him on the road and killed him.

And it came to pass, after he had eaten bread, and after he had drunk, that he saddled for him the ass ... And when he was gone, a lion met him by the way, and slew him. 13.23-24a

The lion hung around the dead man of God for quite a while. Lots of people came to see the carcass and the ass and the lion by the side of the road.

And his carcase was cast in the way, and the ass stood by it, the lion also stood by the carcase. And, behold, men passed by, and saw the carcase cast in the way, and the lion standing by the carcase. 13.24b-25

88. Jeroboam’s son: God kills another child

1 Kings 14.17

Number Killed: 1

Jeroboam’s son

The story begins with a sick child, Abijah, the son of King Jeroboam.

At that time Abijah the son of Jeroboam fell sick. 1 Kings 14.1

Jeroboam was worried about his son, so he told his wife to go ask the blind prophet Ahijah what will become of him.

Jeroboam said to his wife, Arise, I pray thee, and disguise thyself ... and get thee to Shiloh: behold, there is Ahijah the prophet, which told me that I should be king over this people ... He shall tell thee what shall become of the child. 14.2-3

So she went to Ahijah’s house.

Jeroboam’s wife … arose, and went to Shiloh, and came to the house of Ahijah. 14.4a

Before she arrived, God came to tell Ahijah that Jeroboam’s wife would be coming to visit. God told him what he planned to do.

But Ahijah could not see; for his eyes were set by reason of his age. And the LORD said unto Ahijah, Behold, the wife of Jeroboam cometh to ask a thing of thee for her son; for he is sick: thus and thus shalt thou say unto her: for it shall be, when she cometh in, that she shall feign herself to be another woman. 14:4b-5

So when Jeroboam’s wife arrived, Ahijah told her he had some bad news.

When Ahijah heard the sound of her feet, as she came in at the door … he said, Come in, thou wife of Jeroboam; why feignest thou thyself to be another? for I am sent to thee with heavy tidings. 14.6

He said that God made Jeroboam king, but that Jeroboam wasn’t perfect like God’s servant David was. In fact, Jeroboam had acted worse than anyone who had ever lived up to that time. (God loves to exaggerate!)

Go, tell Jeroboam, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Forasmuch as I exalted thee from among the people, and made thee prince over my people Israel, And rent the kingdom away from the house of David, and gave it thee: and yet thou hast not been as my servant David, who kept my commandments, and who followed me with all his heart, to do that only which was right in mine eyes; But hast done evil above all that were before thee: for thou hast gone and made thee other gods, and molten images, to provoke me to anger, and hast cast me behind thy back. 14.7-9

So to punish Jeroboam, God would kill all of Jeroboam’s sons (or, as God put it, all those “that pisseth against the wall”).

Therefore, behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall. 14.10a

And dispose of Jeroboam’s family as though they were pieces of shit.

And will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung. 14.10b

Then he’ll feed whatever is left of them to the dogs, if they lived in the city, or to the birds, if they were country folk.

Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it. 14.11

And finally, God will kill Jeroboam’s sick son. As soon as the mother of the sick boy returns home, her son will die.

Arise thou therefore, get thee to thine own house: and when thy feet enter into the city, the child shall die. 14.12

After hearing the words of God from his prophet Ahijah, Jeroboam’s wife returned home. And God killed the sick boy the moment his mother entered his room.

Jeroboam’s wife arose, and departed … and when she came to the threshold of the door, the child died. 14.17

89. Jeroboam’s family

1 Kings 15.29-30

Estimated Number Killed: 10

Jeroboam’s family

The reason for this killing was the same as the last (88): God disliked Jeroboam (he was the worst person in the world) so he killed his son.

Now he’s back for the rest of the family.

I think God may have gotten a bit carried away with this one, though. Remember how he told Jeroboam’s wife that he was going to kill everyone in the house of Jeroboam “that pisseth against the wall”?

Behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall. 1 Kings 14.10

Well, usually “wall pissers” are taken to be males, but apparently God killed the entire family, including females.

God didn’t do the killing himself, though, this time. He had Baasha do it for him. First Baasha killed Jeroboam’s son Nadab, who became king of Israel after Jeroboam died. (Nadab was completely evil, too, just like his dad.)

Nadab the son of Jeroboam began to reign over Israel ... And he did evil in the sight of the LORD, and walked in the way of his father, and in his sin wherewith he made Israel to sin … and Baasha smote him ... and reigned in his stead. 15.25-28

Then God had Baasha kill Jeroboam’s entire family, wall pissers and non wall pissers, alike. “He smote … any that breathed … according unto the saying of the Lord.”

He smote all the house of Jeroboam; he left not to Jeroboam any that breathed, until he had destroyed him, according unto the saying of the LORD, which he spake by his servant Ahijah the Shilonite: Because of the sins of Jeroboam which he sinned, and which he made Israel sin, by his provocation wherewith he provoked the LORD God of Israel to anger. 15.29-30

The Bible doesn’t say whether or not the bodies of the dead family were treated like shit, as God said they would be.

Behold, I … will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung. 14.10

Or whether God fed their remains to the dogs and the birds, as he said he would.

Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it. 14.11

But I suppose that’s what happened.

The text doesn’t say how many were killed in this killing, so I’ll just say 10.

90. Baasha’s family and friends

1 Kings 16:11-12

Estimated Number Killed: 20

Baasha’s family and friends

Remember how God made Jeroboam king and then killed his son (88) and the rest of his family (89) because he didn’t like something that Jeroboam did? Yeah, well, he’s at it again.

This time it’s King Baasha that he’s pissed off about. Baasha became king by killing Jeroboam’s son, Nadab, and then slaughtered the rest of Jeroboam’s family, “according to the saying of the Lord.”

Now you’d think that God would thank Baasha for doing his dirty work for him. But if so, you’d be wrong about that. God was angry at Baasha for killing Jeroboam’s family, even though he inspired him to do it. God works in really creepy ways.

God made his plans known in the usual way: he sent a prophet (Jehu) to tell Baasha the bad news.

Then the word of the LORD came to Jehu … Behold, I will take away the posterity of Baasha, and the posterity of his house; and will make thy house like the house of Jeroboam … Him that dieth of Baasha in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth of his in the fields shall the fowls of the air eat … for all the evil that he did in the sight of the LORD, in provoking him to anger with the work of his hands, in being like the house of Jeroboam; and because he killed him. 1 Kings 16.1-7

Yep, that’s right. God will kill everyone in Baasha’s family and feed their bodies to the dogs and birds.

But God doesn’t do anything to Baasha. He just waits for him to die and then has his family slaughtered to teach him a lesson. (The best way to teach a man a lesson is to kill his family after he dies.)

So Baasha slept with his fathers, and was buried in Tirzah: and Elah his son reigned in his stead. 16.6

After Baasha died, his son Elah was king for two years. One of Elah’s captains (Zimri) was selected by God to do the killing. First he killed Elah (while he was “drinking himself drunk”) and then all of Baasha’s family and friends—all those that pissed against a wall, anyway.

His servant Zimri, captain of half his chariots, conspired against him ... drinking himself drunk ... And Zimri went in and smote him, and killed him ... and reigned in his stead ...
When he began to reign …he slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that pisseth against a wall, neither of his kinsfolks, nor of his friends. Thus did Zimri destroy all the house of Baasha, according to the word of the LORD, which he spake against Baasha by Jehu the prophet. 16.9-12

So God had all of Baasha’s wall-pissing friends and family killed. It doesn’t say how many that was, so I’ll just guess 20: 10 friends and 10 family members.

91. Zimri burns to death

1 Kings 16:18

Number Killed: 1

Zimri

Remember Zimri? The guy that killed Baasha’s wall-pissing family and friends for God (90)? Well, now it’s his turn. What goes around, comes around—a lot in the Bible!

After Zimri killed Elah (Baasha’s son), he replaced him as king of Israel.

In the twenty and sixth year of Asa king of Judah began Elah to reign over Israel … And his servant Zimri, captain of half his chariots, conspired against him, as he was in Tirzah, drinking himself drunk ... And Zimri went in and smote him, and killed him … and reigned in his stead. 1 Kings 16.8-10

He wasn't king long though, just long enough to perform his mission from God.

As soon as he sat on his throne … he slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that pisseth against a wall, neither of his kinsfolks, nor of his friends. Thus did Zimri destroy all the house of Baasha, according to the word of the LORD. 16.11-12

A week later, the people of Israel chose Omri as king.

In the twenty and seventh year of Asa king of Judah did Zimri reign seven days in Tirzah. And the people … made Omri, the captain of the host, king over Israel. 16.15-16

And then, of course, Omri, along with everyone in Israel, went to pay Zimri a visit.

And Omri … and all Israel with him … beseiged Tirzah. 16.17

When Zimri saw Omri and “all Israel” attacking, he burned himself to death.

When Zimri saw that the city was taken, that he went into the palace of the king’s house, and burnt the king’s house over him with fire, and died. 16.18

God was pleased with the way the whole thing turned out. Zimri burned to death for “doing evil in the sight of the Lord.”

For his sins which he sinned in doing evil in the sight of the LORD, in walking in the way of Jeroboam, and in his sin which he did, to make Israel to sin. 16.19

The Bible doesn’t say what the evil was. The only thing that we know about Zimri is that he murdered Baasha’s son, Elah, and all of Baasha’s wall-pissing family and friends.

But that wasn’t evil, since God wanted them killed. So what was it?

Maybe Zimri had some golden calves in his closet or something.

92. The drought of Elijah

1 Kings 17:1, Luke 4.25, James 5.17-18

Estimated Number Killed: 3,000

Israelites

The story of Elijah begins with a drought.

Elijah … said unto Ahab, As the LORD God of Israel liveth, before whom I stand, there shall not be dew nor rain these years, but according to my word. 1 Kings 17.1

And according to 1 Kings, the drought ended in its third year (so it lasted more than two but less than three years).

The LORD came to Elijah in the third year, saying, Go, shew thyself unto Ahab; and I will send rain upon the earth. 1 Kings 18.1

But if you believe the New Testament authors, the drought lasted for 3 years and six months, during which time there was no rain anywhere on earth because Elijah “prayed earnestly that it might not rain.”

In the days of Elias [Elijah]…the heaven was shut up three years and six months, when great famine was throughout all the land. Luke 4.25

Elias [Elijah]… prayed earnestly that it might not rain: and it rained not on the earth by the space of three years and six months. And he prayed again, and the heaven gave rain, and the earth brought forth her fruit. James 5.17-18

The Bible doesn’t say why the drought occurred; apparently it was just to get Elijah’s prophecy career off to a good start. But if the book of James is right and it didn’t rain anywhere on earth for 3 and a half years, then many people must have died of starvation.

I’ll just guess that 3,000 people starved to death (1000 per year) in God’s promotional campaign for Ellijah.

93. Elijah kills 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest

1 Kings 18.40

Number Killed: at least 450, possibly 850

Prophets of Baal (and the grove?)

Ahab, the king of Israel, was a follower of Baal, which, of course, Yahweh and Elijah didn’t like very much. So Elijah suggested a prayer contest to determine which god was the real God.

Elijah told Ahab to get all the prophets of Baal to meet him on Mt. Carmel.

Send, and gather to me all Israel unto mount Carmel, and the prophets of Baal four hundred and fifty, and the prophets of the groves four hundred, which eat at Jezebel’s table. 1 Kings 18.19

When they arrived, he told them to get a bull, kill it, chop it into pieces, and put the whole bloody mess on some wood. But don’t light it on fire.

Let them therefore give us two bullocks; and let them choose one bullock for themselves, and cut it in pieces, and lay it on wood, and put no fire under: and I will dress the other bullock, and lay it on wood, and put no fire under. 18.23

Then ask Baal to light it all on fire.

And call ye on the name of your gods, and I will call on the name of the LORD: and the God that answereth by fire, let him be God. 18.24

So the prophets of Baal did that. They prayed and prayed all morning and jumped up and down on the altar, but nothing happened.

They took the bullock which was given them, and they dressed it, and called on the name of Baal from morning even until noon, saying, O Baal, hear us. But there was no voice, nor any that answered. And they leaped upon the altar which was made. 18.26

Elijah taunted them, saying, “Pray harder! Maybe your god is on a trip or sleeping or something.” But still there was no fire.

And it came to pass at noon, that Elijah mocked them, and said, Cry aloud: for he is a god; either he is talking, or he is pursuing, or he is in a journey, or peradventure he sleepeth, and must be awaked. 18.27

The priests of Baal cut themselves with knives until their blood was gushing around all over. But nothing happened.

And they cried aloud, and cut themselves after their manner with knives and lancets, till the blood gushed out upon them … until the time of the offering of the evening sacrifice … there was neither voice, nor any to answer, nor any that regarded. 18.28-29

Then it was Elijah’s turn. Just to show off, he poured water over the whole bloody mess three times.

He put the wood in order, and cut the bullock in pieces, and laid him on the wood, and said, Fill four barrels with water, and pour it on the burnt sacrifice, and on the wood. And he said, Do it the second time. And they did it the second time. And he said, Do it the third time. And they did it the third time. And the water ran round about the altar; and he filled the trench also with water. 18.33-35

He prayed to God and a fire fell down from heaven and consumed it all, even the surrounding stones.

The fire of the LORD fell, and consumed the burnt sacrifice, and the wood, and the stones, and the dust, and licked up the water that was in the trench. 18.38

Then Elijah told the spectators to slaughter the 450 prophets of Baal (along with the 400 prophets of the grove? See 18.19).

Baal’s prophets are four hundred and fifty men ... And Elijah said unto them, Take the prophets of Baal; let not one of them escape. 18.22, 40a

So that’s what they did.

And they took them: and Elijah brought them down to the brook Kishon, and slew them there. 18.40b

And the hand of of the Lord was on Elijah.

And the hand of the LORD was on Elijah. 18.46

94. The first God-assisted slaughter of the Syrians

1 Kings 20.20-21

Estimated Number Killed: 10,000

Syrians

This is a fairly simple story.

A nameless prophet tells King Ahab that God will deliver the “great multitude” of Syrians into his hand that very day, just to let Ahab know that “God is the Lord.”

There came a prophet unto Ahab king of Israel, saying, Thus saith the LORD, Hast thou seen all this great multitude? behold, I will deliver it into thine hand this day; and thou shalt know that I am the LORD. 1 Kings 20.13

So Ahab rounded up 232 princes and 7000 “children of Israel” and went off to fight the “great multitude” of Syrians.

Then he numbered the young men of the princes of the provinces, and they were two hundred and thirty two: and after them he numbered all the people, even all the children of Israel, being seven thousand. 20.15

They went out at noon while the Syrian king Benhadad was busy “drinking himself drunk” with the help of 32 other kings.

They went out at noon. But Benhadad was drinking himself drunk in the pavilions, he and the kings, the thirty and two kings that helped him. 20.16

Benhadad must have taken his orders from a different God, though, because he told his soldiers not to kill any prisoners. (The God of the Bible would never allow that. In fact, Ahab—along with his wife, family and friends—will later be killed by God for not killing Benhadad when he took him prisoner. See killings (96), (98), (105), (106), (107), (108), and (110).

He said, Whether they be come out for peace, take them alive; or whether they be come out for war, take them alive. 20.18

So the Israelites go out and kill lots of Syrians with a “great slaughter.”

They slew every one his man: and the Syrians fled; and Israel pursued them ... And the king of Israel ... slew the Syrians with a great slaughter. 20.20-21

And now we all know for sure that God is the Lord.

(Who else would be so proud of killing so many people?)

I guessed 10,000 for this one since it was a “great slaughter.”

95. God killed 100,000 Syrians for calling him a god of the hills

1 Kings 20.29

Number Killed: 100,000

Syrians

Don’t call God a God of the hills. He really doesn’t like it.

The Syrians called him that.

The servants of the king of Syria said unto him, Their gods are gods of the hills; therefore they were stronger than we; but let us fight against them in the plain, and surely we shall be stronger than they. 1 Kings 20.23

Then an anonymous “man of God” told the king of Israel (Ahab) that God would slaughter the Syrians for calling him a hill god and, by so doing, show Ahab that he is the Lord.

There came a man of God, and spake unto the king of Israel, and said, Thus saith the LORD, Because the Syrians have said, The LORD is God of the hills, but he is not God of the valleys, therefore will I deliver all this great multitude into thine hand, and ye shall know that I am the LORD. 20.28

So God delivered the Syrians into Ahab’s hand and the Israelites killed 100,000 in one day.

And the children of Israel slew of the Syrians an hundred thousand footmen in one day. 20.29

(That’s about twice as many as were killed in the three-day Battle of Gettysburg. But then, God wasn’t involved in that one. He couldn’t decide which side he was on.)

96. God killed 27,000 Syrians by making a wall fall on them

1 Kings 20.30

Number Killed: 27,000

Syrians

In his last killing, God killed the 100,000 Syrians for calling him a hill god (95). But some of the name-calling Syrians escaped. God took care of them by having a wall fall on them, killing 27,000.

But the rest fled to Aphek, into the city; and there a wall fell upon twenty and seven thousand of the men that were left. 1 Kings 20.30a

It was a really big wall.

Note: Benhadad (the king of Syria) somehow managed to escape the falling wall.

And Benhadad fled, and came into the city, into an inner chamber. 1 Kings 20.30b

He asked Ahab to let him live, offering to restore the cities that Syria had previously taken from Israel.

Thy servant Benhadad saith, I pray thee, let me live … And Ben-hadad said unto him, The cities, which my father took from thy father, I will restore; and thou shalt make streets for thee in Damascus, as my father made in Samaria. 20.32-34a

So Ahab made a treaty with Benhadad and let him live.

Then said Ahab, I will send thee away with this covenant. So he made a covenant with him, and sent him away. 1 Kings 20.34 b

God would later kill him (98) and his family (105, 106, 107, 108, and 110) for this act of mercy.

97. God sent a lion to kill a man for not smiting a prophet

1 Kings 20.36

Number Killed: 1

A neighbor in the word of the Lord

I don’t completely understand God’s thinking on this one. Maybe a believer can explain it to me.

It all happens fast, in just two verses. Here’s a summary:

A “son of a prophet” asked a “neighbor in the word of the Lord” to smite him.

A certain man of the sons of the prophets said unto his neighbour in the word of the LORD, Smite me, I pray thee. 1 Kings 20.35a

The neighbor refused.

And the man refused to smite him. 20.35b

So God sent a lion to kill him.

Then said he unto him, Because thou hast not obeyed the voice of the LORD, behold, as soon as thou art departed from me, a lion shall slay thee. And as soon as he was departed from him, a lion found him, and slew him. 20.36

It turns out, though, that there was some reason for the prophet’s madness. The prophet wanted a good disguise when he met King Ahab, and he figured a wound would help. So he wanted his neighbor to cut his face, so he could put a bandage on it, so King Ahab wouldn’t recognize him when he saw him. Or something like that.

(I don’t know why the prophet couldn’t just put a bandage on his face or a bag over his head to disguise himself. And I’m not sure why the disguise was necessary anyway. But I guess it was all very important to God.)

Anyway, the batshit crazy prophet found another guy who was willing to smite him.

Then he found another man, and said, Smite me, I pray thee. And the man smote him, so that in smiting he wounded him. 20.37

And so the prophet got his costume ready for his meeting with King Ahab.

So the prophet departed, and waited for the king by the way, and disguised himself with ashes upon his face. 20.38

Which leads us to God’s next killing.

98. God killed Ahab for not killing a captured king

1 Kings 20.39-42, 22.35

Number Killed: 1

Ahab

In God’s last killing (97), he sent a lion to kill a man for not smiting a prophet when the prophet asked him to. But the next guy that came along was willing to do it, so the prophet was able to put ashes on his face and have a proper disguise for his meeting with King Ahab.

When King Ahab passed by, the prophet (with his cool disguise) said to him:

Thy servant went out into the midst of the battle; and, behold, a man turned aside, and brought a man unto me, and said, Keep this man: if by any means he be missing, then shall thy life be for his life, or else thou shalt pay a talent of silver. And as thy servant was busy here and there, he was gone. 1 Kings 20.39-40a

Which, of course, was complete bullshit. God’s prophet was not only crazy, but a liar, as well.

King Ahab played along though, and said, “OK, whatever.”

The king of Israel said unto him, So shall thy judgment be; thyself hast decided it. 20:40b

Then the prophet wiped off the ashes on his face and revealed his true identity. He was a prophet! (It’s really hard to tell a prophet when he has ashes on his face.)

He … took the ashes away from his face; and the king of Israel discerned him that he was of the prophets. 20.41

And then the prophet told King Ahab the bad news. God was going to kill the king (and his family, of course) for letting king Benhadad live. (See 1 Kings 20.34 and note at the end of 96)

Thus saith the LORD, Because thou hast let go out of thy hand a man whom I appointed to utter destruction, therefore thy life shall go for his life, and thy people for his people. 20.42

And that’s what happened. God carefully arranged things so that King Ahab would die while fighting the Syrians.

The battle increased that day: and the king [Ahab] was stayed up in his chariot against the Syrians, and died at even: and the blood ran out of the wound into the midst of the chariot. 22.35

And that is God’s last killing in 1 Kings 20. (Five in one chapter!)

99. God burned 102 men to death for asking Elijah to come down from his hill

2 Kings 1.10-12

Number Killed: 102

Israelites messengers

King Ahaziah (of Israel) became ill after falling though a lattice floor. So he sent some messengers to ask Baalzebub if he would recover.

Ahaziah fell down through a lattice in his upper chamber that was in Samaria, and was sick: and he sent messengers, and said unto them, Go, enquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron whether I shall recover of this disease. 2 Kings 1.2

Then an angel told Elijah to tell some messengers to tell Ahaziah that God would kill him for asking the wrong god.

The angel ... said to Elijah ... Arise, go up to meet the messengers ... and say unto them, Is it not because there is not a God in Israel, that ye go to enquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron? Now therefore thus saith the LORD, Thou shalt not come down from that bed ... but shalt surely die. 1.3-4

So the messengers delivered the message to King Ahaziah.

The messengers … said unto him, There came a man up to meet us, and said unto us, Go, turn again unto the king that sent you, and say unto him, Thus saith the LORD, Is it not because there is not a God in Israel, that thou sendest to enquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron? therefore thou shalt not come down from that bed on which thou art gone up, but shalt surely die. 1.5-6

Ahaziah asked them what the guy who gave them the message looked like. They said he was “a hairy man” with “leather about his loins.”

What manner of man was he which came up to meet you, and told you these words? And they answered him, He was an hairy man, and girt with a girdle of leather about his loins. 1.7-8

When the king heard that, he knew it was Elijah. Nobody dresses like Elijah!

He said, It is Elijah. 1.8b

So the king sent a captain and fifty men to go find Elijah. They found him sitting on top of a hill and said to him, “Come down.”

Then the king sent unto him a captain of fifty with his fifty. And he went up to him: and, behold, he sat on the top of an hill. And he spake unto him, Thou man of God, the king hath said, Come down. 1.9

Which was the wrong thing to say, judging from Elijah’s response.

Elijah answered and said to the captain of fifty, If I be a man of God, then let fire come down from heaven, and consume thee and thy fifty. 1.10a

And that’s what happened. Fire came down from heaven and burned the 51 guys to death.

There came down fire from heaven, and consumed him and his fifty. 1.10b

I’m not sure how Ahaziah found out about all this, but he did, and he sent another captain and 50 men to try again.

Again also he sent unto him another captain of fifty with his fifty. 1.11a

They found Elijah sitting on top of the same hill and the captain told him the same thing: “Come down quickly.” (I guess they added the quickly for emphasis.)

He … said unto him, O man of God, thus hath the king said, Come down quickly. 1.11b

Elijah responded in the usual way.

Elijah answered and said unto them, If I be a man of God, let fire come down from heaven, and consume thee and thy fifty. 1.12a

You probably can guess what happened next.

The fire of God came down from heaven, and consumed him and his fifty. 1.12b

Once again the king found out what had happened. So he sent another captain with 50 men. (He figured it worked out well the first two times.)

He sent again a captain of the third fifty with his fifty. 1.13a

But this time the captain didn’t ask Elijah to come down. He got on his knees and groveled in front of Elijah, begging him not to burn him to death.

The third captain of fifty went up, and came and fell on his knees before Elijah … and said unto him, O man of God, I pray thee, let my life, and the life of these fifty thy servants, be precious in thy sight. Behold, there came fire down from heaven, and burnt up the two captains of the former fifties with their fifties: therefore let my life now be precious in thy sight. 1.13b-14

And that worked a lot better. An angel of the Lord told Elijah to go down with them to see Ahaziah. And he did.

The angel of the LORD said unto Elijah, Go down with him: be not afraid of him. And he arose, and went down with him unto the king. 1.15

So the moral of the story is this: If you see a hairy man dressed in a leather loin cloth sitting on top of a hill, don’t ask him to come down (unless you grovel first) or God will burn you to death.

100. God killed Ahaziah (of Israel) for asking the wrong God

2 Kings 1.16-17

Number Killed: 1

Ahaziah of Israel

In his last killing (99), God burned 102 men to death (in two shifts of 51 each) for asking Elijah to come down from his hill. The problem, I guess, was not so much in what they asked, but in how they asked it. The first two times, the captain asked directly, and God burned them all to death. The third time the captain groveled first and asked later, and that worked out fine. There’s a lesson there somewhere.

There was a reason, though, that Ahaziah wanted Elijah to come down from his hill. He wanted to ask Elijah to ask God if he was going to recover from his illness. And now that the third group of 51 got Elijah to come down from his hill, Ahaziah could ask Elijah to ask God about it.

[But Elijah had already told Ahaziah (via messengers) back in 2 Kings 1.6 that God was going to kill him for asking the wrong god, so I don’t know why he had to send the three sets of 51 to asked Elijah again. I guess he wanted Elijah to come down and give him the message directly.]

In any case, Elijah came down the mountain to talk to the king.

He arose, and went down with him unto the king. 2 Kings 1.15

Here’s what Elijah told the king (again).

Thus saith the LORD, Forasmuch as thou hast sent messengers to enquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron, is it not because there is no God in Israel to enquire of his word? therefore thou shalt not come down off that bed on which thou art gone up, but shalt surely die. 1.16

And in the next verse, King Ahaziah dies “according to the word of the Lord.”

So he died according to the word of the LORD which Elijah had spoken. 1.17

101. God sent two bears to rip apart 42 boys for making fun of a prophet’s bald head

2 Kings 2.23-24

Number Killed: 42

Boys

After Elijah went up to heaven in a chariot of fire, his disciple, Elisha, put on Elijah’s mantle and started to perform miracles of his own. First he parted the Jordan River by slapping it with Elijah’s mantle, and then he healed some water by adding a bit of salt.

Then he decided to go to Bethel.

While he was walking along, a group of 42 young boys started to make fun of Elisha’s bald head.

As he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. 2 Kings 2.23

So Elisha decided to try his new-found prophet powers by cursing the little buggers in the name of the Lord. Then he stood back to watch what would happen.

He turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. 2.24a

What happened must have been hard to watch. Two she bears came out of the woods and tore all 42 boys apart.

There came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them. 2.24b

The Bible doesn’t say how Elisha reacted to the slaughter. It just says that he kept going on his journey to Bethel.

He went from thence to mount Carmel, and from thence he returned to Samaria. 2.25

I bet God got a kick out of the whole thing, though. He’s the type.

102. The Lord delivered the Moabites

2 Kings 3.24-25

Estimated Number Killed: 5,000

Moabites

This is a boring one. But since the Bible gives God the credit for this killing, so will I.

Here’s the story.

Elisha tells the Israelites that God will deliver the Moabites into their hand.

The LORD ... will deliver the Moabites ... into your hand. 2 Kings 3.18

And when he does, God wants the Israelites to chop down the trees, ruin the wells, and destroy the land.

Ye shall smite every fenced city, and every choice city, and shall fell every good tree, and stop all wells of water, and mar every good piece of land with stones. 3.19

So the Israelites kill the Moabites, their trees and crops, and ruin their cities and wells.

The Israelites rose up and smote the Moabites, so that they fled before them: but they went forward smiting the Moabites ... And they beat down the cities, and on every good piece of land cast every man his stone, and filled it; and they stopped all the wells of water, and felled all the good trees. 3.24-25

Finally, the Moabite king sacrificed his son as a burnt offering in a desperate attempt to stop the massacre. And it seemed to work, too, since the Israelites stopped killing after that.

Then he took his eldest son that should have reigned in his stead, and offered him for a burnt offering upon the wall. And there was great indignation against Israel: and they departed from him, and returned to their own land. 3.27

Since God helped the Israelites smite several Moabite cities, I’ll guess 1000 Moabites were killed in five cities, for a total of 5000.

103. A skeptic is trampled to death

2 Kings 7.17-20

Number Killed: 1

A skeptical officer

There was a famine in Samaria that was so severe that a donkey’s head and a cup of bird dung sold for 80 and 5 shekels of silver, respectively. (About 500 and 32 current U.S. dollars)

There was a great famine in Samaria: and, behold, they besieged it, until an ass’s head was sold for fourscore pieces of silver, and the fourth part of a cab of dove’s dung for five pieces of silver. 2 Kings 6.25

Women were busy negotiating a schedule for eating each other’s sons.

This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son tomorrow. So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him. 6.28-29

But Elisha and God said things were about to change. Tomorrow, 7.5 liters of flour and 15 liters of barley will sell for 1 shekel of silver. (About 6 current U.S. dollars)

Then Elisha said, Hear ye the word of the LORD; Thus saith the LORD, To morrow about this time shall a measure of fine flour be sold for a shekel, and two measures of barley for a shekel, in the gate of Samaria. 7.1

An officer overheard Elisha’s forecast for the commodities market, and he didn’t believe it. He said that even if God made it rain, prices wouldn’t fall so much in a single day.

Then a lord on whose hand the king leaned answered the man of God, and said, Behold, if the LORD would make windows in heaven, might this thing be? 7.2a

Elisha responded that the skeptical officer would see it happen, but wouldn’t be able to take advantage of the low prices. (Because he’d be dead.)

Behold, thou shalt see it with thine eyes, but shalt not eat thereof. 7.2b

Later that day, God made the Syrians hear things. The whole Syrian army heard the noise of non-existent chariots, horses, and soldiers. It was one massive, God-induced, collective, auditory hallucination. It was like the entire army was on a bad acid trip, and it scared the hell out of them.

The LORD had made the host of the Syrians to hear a noise of chariots, and a noise of horses, even the noise of a great host: and they said one to another, Lo, the king of Israel hath hired against us the kings of the Hittites, and the kings of the Egyptians, to come upon us. 7.6

So the Syrian army left Samaria because of the noises that God put in their heads.

Wherefore they arose and fled in the twilight, and left their tents, and their horses, and their asses, even the camp as it was, and fled for their life. 7.7

And the price of commodities fell, just like God and Elisha predicted.

So a measure of fine flour was sold for a shekel, and two measures of barley for a shekel, according to the word of the LORD. 7.16

And what happened to the skeptical officer?

He was trampled to death.

And the king appointed the lord on whose hand he leaned to have the charge of the gate: and the people trode upon him in the gate, and he died, as the man of God had said ... And so it fell out unto him: for the people trode upon him in the gate, and he died. 7:17-20

(I don’t know if God caused this to happen or not. But it seems pretty clear that he approved of it.)

104. God’s seven year famine

2 Kings 8.1

Estimated Number Killed: 7,000

Israelites

Well, there’s not much to say about this one. It all happens in a single verse.

Then spake Elisha unto the woman, whose son he had restored to life, saying, Arise, and go thou and thine household, and sojourn wheresoever thou canst sojourn: for the LORD hath called for a famine; and it shall also come upon the land seven years. 2 Kings 8.1

God called for a seven year famine. The Bible doesn’t say why God did this. But I guess God can starve people to death if he wants to, for any reason, or for no reason at all.

The Bible doesn’t say how many starved in God’s seven year famine, so I’ll just guess 7000, 1000 per year.

105. Jehoram of Israel

2 Kings 9.24-26

Number Killed: 1

Jehoram of Israel

Remember back in God’s 98th killing when God killed Ahab for not killing a captured king? You might have thought that that would be the end of it. But no. God still had Ahab’s family to kill. It was his way of paying it forward.

The story is a bit complicated, but it starts with Elisha, who called one of “the children of the prophets” and told him to “gird his loins,” get some oil, and go anoint Jehu as king of Israel. (You know you’re in for some big-time prophet action when Elisha tells you to grab some oil and gird your loins.)

Elisha the prophet called one of the children of the prophets, and said unto him, Gird up thy loins, and take this box of oil ... And when thou comest thither, look out there Jehu ... and ... take the box of oil, and pour it on his head, and say, Thus saith the LORD, I have anointed thee king over Israel. 2 Kings 9.1-3

So that’s what that son of a prophet did. He girded his loins and made Jehu king.

So the young man, even the young man the prophet … arose, and went into the house; and he poured the oil on his head, and said unto him, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, I have anointed thee king over the people of the LORD, even over Israel. 9.4-6

Then he told the new king that God had a job for him.

Thus saith the LORD God ... thou shalt smite the house of Ahab thy master, that I may avenge the blood of my servants the prophets, and the blood of all the servants of the LORD, at the hand of Jezebel. 9.6-7

Just in case it wasn’t clear, the son of the prophet elaborated a bit. God wanted Jehu to kill everyone in Ahab’s family, especially those that had ever “pissed against a wall.”

For the whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall. 9.8

He reminded Jehu of the last two families that God had executed: Jeroboam’s (88), 89) and Baasha’s (90). He wanted Jehu to go and do likewise to Ahab’s family.

I will make the house of Ahab like the house of Jeroboam ... and Baasha. 9.9

But there was one person that God wanted more than just dead. Ahab’s wife, Jezebel, was to be not just killed, but fed to the dogs, so that there would be nothing left of her body to bury.

The dogs shall eat Jezebel in the portion of Jezreel, and there shall be none to bury her. 9.10

And that was the end of the message from God.

So Jehu took off in his chariot to get started on God’s killings. When people saw him coming, they’d say, “That must be Jehu because he’s driving like crazy.” (Jehu is the patron saint of reckless drivers.)

And the watchman told, saying, He came even unto them, and cometh not again: and the driving is like the driving of Jehu the son of Nimshi; for he driveth furiously. 9.20

It wasn’t long before Jehu found God’s first victim: Ahab’s son, Jehoram of Israel—a wall-pisser if there ever was one!

So Jehu did what God told him to do. He shot him right through the heart and threw his dead body in the field of Naboth, “according to the word of the Lord.”

Jehu drew a bow with his full strength, and smote Jehoram between his arms, and the arrow went out at his heart ... Then said Jehu to Bidkar his captain ... cast him into the plat of ground, according to the word of the LORD. 9.24-26

And so died the first wall-pisser in Ahab’s family.

Then Jehu got back in his chariot and drove off furiously to find the rest.

106. Jezebel

2 Kings 9.33

Number Killed: 1

Jezebel

Next on God’s hit list for Jehu was Jezebel. So he drove his chariot over to her house.

When she heard Jehu was coming, she put on her make-up and sat by the window.

When Jehu was come to Jezreel, Jezebel heard of it; and she painted her face, and tired her head, and looked out at a window. 2 Kings 9.30

As he entered the gate, she said, “Is it peace, Zimri, murderer of your master?”, referring to Zimri’s murder of king Baasha and his family (90).

As Jehu entered in at the gate, she said, Had Zimri peace, who slew his master? 9.31

Jehu poked his head in the window and said to Jezebel’s eunuchs, “Who is on my side?”

He lifted up his face to the window, and said, Who is on my side? who? And there looked out to him two or three eunuchs. 9.32

And then, “Throw her down.”

And he said, Throw her down. 9.33a

So the eunuchs threw her out the window, where she was trampled by horses, her blood splattering everywhere.

So they threw her down: and some of her blood was sprinkled on the wall, and on the horses: and he trode her under foot. 9.33b

Then Jehu went off to eat and drink, telling his people to go take a look the “cursed woman” and then bury her.

When he was come in, he did eat and drink, and said, Go, see now this cursed woman, and bury her: for she is a king’s daughter. 9.34

But when they went to bury her, they couldn’t find her, at least not very much of her. Dogs had already eaten everything except her skull, feet, and the palms of her hands.

And they went to bury her: but they found no more of her than the skull, and the feet, and the palms of her hands. 9.35

Which, of course, is just like God said it would be. Jezebel would be eaten by dogs and her body would be treated like shit.

This is the word of the LORD, which he spake by his servant Elijah the Tishbite, saying, In the portion of Jezreel shall dogs eat the flesh of Jezebel: And the carcase of Jezebel shall be as dung upon the face of the field 9.36-37

107. Ahab’s sons: Seventy heads in two heaps

2 Kings 10.7

Number Killed: 70

Ahab’s sons

Jehu was on a mission from God. (Like Anton Chigurh in “No Country for Old Men,” but without the coin tosses.)

First he killed one of Ahab’s sons, Jehoram (105). Then he killed Ahab’s wife, Jezebel (106). Now it was time to take care of the rest of Ahab’s family.

He started by writing letters to the rulers of Jezreel challenging them fight for Ahab’s sons.

Ahab had seventy sons in Samaria. And Jehu wrote letters, and sent to Samaria, unto the rulers of Jezreel, to the elders, and to them that brought up Ahab’s children, saying … fight for your master’s house. 2 Kings 10.1-3

But they were intimidated by Jehu (they’d probably heard about his previous murders) and said that they would do whatever he wanted.

But they were exceedingly afraid, and said … We are thy servants, and will do all that thou shalt bid us; we will not make any king: do thou that which is good in thine eyes. 10.4-5

So Jehu wrote another letter telling them what he wanted: Bring him the heads of all 70 of Ahab’s sons tomorrow.

Then he wrote a letter the second time to them, saying … take ye the heads of the men your master’s sons, and come to me to Jezreel by to morrow this time. Now the king’s sons, being seventy persons, were with the great men of the city, which brought them up. 10.6

And that’s what they did. They killed Ahab’s 70 sons, put the heads in baskets, and brought them to Jehu.

When the letter came to them, that they took the king’s sons, and slew seventy persons, and put their heads in baskets, and sent him them to Jezreel. 10.7

When Jehu heard that the heads had arrived, he said to put them in two heaps at the city gate and let them stay there overnight.

There came a messenger, and told him, saying, They have brought the heads of the king’s sons. And he said, Lay ye them in two heaps at the entering in of the gate until the morning. 10.8

The next morning Jehu went out and told the people that “the LORD hath done that which he spake by his servant Elijah.”

In the morning, that he went out, and stood, and said … the LORD hath done that which he spake by his servant Elijah. 10.9-10

(Elijah … answered … Behold, I will bring evil upon thee, and will take away thy posterity, and will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall. 1 Kings 21.20-21)

But there were still others that God wanted Jehu to visit.

108. Ahab’s hometown family, friends, and priests

2 Kings 10.11

Estimated Number Killed: 20

Ahab’s family, friends, and priests

In God’s last killing (107), the chicken-shit leaders of Jezreel sent Jehu the heads of Ahab’s sons, all 70 of them.

But that didn’t quite satisfy Jehu. He had his orders from God, given to him by Elisha when Jehu was made king.

Thus saith the LORD God ... thou shalt smite the house of Ahab thy master ... The whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall ....And I will make the house of Ahab like the house of Jeroboam ... and Baasha ... And the dogs shall eat Jezebel in the portion of Jezreel, and there shall be none to bury her. 2 Kings 9.6-10

So although he was off to a good start, having killed Ahab’s son, Jehoram (105), Ahab’s wife, Jezebel (106), and 70 of Ahab’s sons (107), there still might be a few wall-pissing family or friends of Ahab left to kill.

The first place that Jehu looked was Ahab’s old hometown, Jezreel. He searched the town and found all of Ahab’s family, friends, and priests—whoever that was associated somehow with Ahab and might also have pissed against a wall at one time or another.

And then he killed them all.

So Jehu slew all that remained of the house of Ahab in Jezreel, and all his great men, and his kinsfolks, and his priests, until he left him none remaining. 10.11

Then he took his search elsewhere.

The text doesn’t say how many of Ahab’s family and friends were killed in Jezreel. I’ll just say 20.

109. Jehu killed Ahaziah’s family

2 Kings 10.14

Number Killed: 42

Ahaziah’s family

After Jehu killed what remained of Ahab’s family in Jezreel (108), he went to Samaria and met with the family of Ahaziah (of Judah).

He arose and departed, and came to Samaria. And ... met with the brethren of Ahaziah king of Judah, and said, Who are ye? And they answered, We are the brethren of Ahaziah; and we go down to salute the children of the king and the children of the queen. 2 Kings 10.12-13

It was a short, productive meeting. Jehu had only one action item: kill all the attendees.

And he said, Take them alive. And they took them alive, and slew them at the pit of the shearing house, even two and forty men; neither left he any of them. 10.14

That’s all that 2 Kings says about it. But the killing is also covered in 2 Chronicles.

The destruction of Ahaziah was of God by coming to Joram: for when he was come, he went out with Jehoram against Jehu the son of Nimshi, whom the LORD had anointed to cut off the house of Ahab. And it came to pass, that, when Jehu was executing judgment upon the house of Ahab, and found the princes of Judah, and the sons of the brethren of Ahaziah, that ministered to Ahaziah, he slew them. And he sought Ahaziah: and they caught him, (for he was hid in Samaria,) and brought him to Jehu: and when they had slain him. 2 Chronicles 22.7-9

So we know that the killing of Ahaziah’s 42 relatives was “of God”—which means that God approved of these killings.

110. Jehu and his partner show their zeal for the Lord by killing the rest of Ahab’s family

2 Kings 10.17

Estimated Number Killed: 20

The rest of Ahab’s family

After meeting with Ahaziah’s family (and killing them all), Jehu got into his chariot and drove away furiously toward Samaria. On his way he ran across and old friend, Jehonadab.

Jehu asked Jehonadab, “Is your heart as true to mine as mine is to yours?” And Jehonadab said, “It is.” (They were really good friends.)

When he was departed thence, he lighted on Jehonadab … coming to meet him: and he saluted him, and said to him, Is thine heart right, as my heart is with thy heart? And Jehonadab answered, It is. 2 Kings 10.15a

Then Jehu said, “If it is, give me your hand.” (This is getting so romantic!)

If it be, give me thine hand. 10.15b

So Jehu reached out his hand and took Jehonadab into the chariot.

And he gave him his hand; and he took him up to him into the chariot. 10.15c

When Jehonadab and Jehu were finally together, Jehu said, “Come with me, and see my zeal for the Lord.”

He said, Come with me, and see my zeal for the LORD. 10.16

Then the two men, whose hearts were true to each other, rode off into the sunset toward Samaria.

When they arrived in Samaria, they slaughtered the rest of Ahab’s family, “according to the saying of the LORD, which he spake to Elijah.”

When he came to Samaria, he slew all that remained unto Ahab in Samaria, till he had destroyed him, according to the saying of the LORD, which he spake to Elijah. 10.17

And by so doing, the true-hearted partners expressed their zeal for the Lord.

The Bible doesn’t say how many were killed, so I just guessed 20.

111. Jehu assembles the followers of Baal and then slaughters them all

2 Kings 10.25

Estimated Number Killed: 1,000

Followers of Baal

After Jehu finished killing Ahab’s family in Samaria (110), he called an assembly to worship Baal.

Jehu gathered all the people together, and said unto them, Ahab served Baal a little; but Jehu shall serve him much. 2 Kings 10.18

Jehu said that he would lead the sacrifice to Baal and any follower of Baal that did not come would be killed.

Now therefore call unto me all the prophets of Baal, all his servants, and all his priests; let none be wanting: for I have a great sacrifice to do to Baal; whosoever shall be wanting, he shall not live. 10.19a

But he was lying, of course. He assembled the followers of Baal, not to worship Baal with them as he said, but to kill them all.

But Jehu did it in subtilty ... that he might destroy the worshippers of Baal. 10.19b

So Jehu called the assembly.

Jehu said, Proclaim a solemn assembly for Baal. And they proclaimed it. And Jehu sent through all Israel: and all the worshippers of Baal came, so that there was not a man left that came not. And they came into the house of Baal; and the house of Baal was full from one end to another. 10.20-21

Then he told 80 of his men to kill of the worshipers of Baal, saying he’d kill whoever let any escape.

When they went in to offer sacrifices and burnt offerings, Jehu appointed fourscore men without, and said, If any of the men whom I have brought into your hands escape, he that letteth him go, his life shall be for the life of him. 10.24

When Jehu finished his sacrifice to Baal, he ordered the sacrifice of all of the followers of Baal.

As soon as he had made an end of offering the burnt offering, that Jehu said to the guard and to the captains, Go in, and slay them; let none come forth. And they smote them with the edge of the sword. 10.25

God approved of this and all of Jehu’s previous mass murders. He liked them so much, in fact, that Jehu’s sons would be kings of Israel for the next four generations.

The LORD said unto Jehu, Because thou hast done well in executing that which is right in mine eyes, and hast done unto the house of Ahab according to all that was in mine heart, thy children of the fourth generation shall sit on the throne of Israel. 10.30

(The Bible doesn’t say how many followers of Baal Jehu killed. I’ll guess 1000.)

112. The priest of Baal and Queen Athaliah

2 Kings 11.18-20

Number Killed: 2

Mattan the priest of Baal and Athaliah

The high priest Jehoiada arranged an agreement between God, the king, and the people. The king and the people would be God’s people.

Jehoiada made a covenant between the LORD and the king and the people, that they should be the LORD’s people; between the king also and the people. 2 Kings 11.17

And as God’s people, they would destroy the religious symbols of all other Gods, and kill their priests. So God’s people went into a murderous rampage. They started by killing Mattan, the priest of Baal, at the altar.

All the people of the land went into the house of Baal, and brake it down; his altars and his images brake they in pieces thoroughly, and slew Mattan the priest of Baal before the altars. 11.18

And finished by killing Queen Athaliah.

And all the people of the land rejoiced, and the city was in quiet: and they slew Athaliah with the sword beside the king’s house. 11.20

113. God sent lions to eat those that didn’t fear him enough

2 Kings 17.25-26

Estimated Number killed: 10

People that didn’t fear the Lord

God wants you to fear him. If you don’t fear him enough, he’ll do something to make you afraid of him. Like send lions to eat you.

They feared not the LORD: therefore the LORD sent lions among them, which slew some of them. 2 Kings 17.25

He also likes you to obey his laws, even if you’ve never heard of them before. If you are unfamiliar with his laws or don’t follow them properly, he’ll send lions to eat you.

The nations which ... know not the manner of the God of the land: therefore he hath sent lions among them, and, behold, they slay them, because they know not the manner of the God of the land. 17.26

I just thought you should know that.

(The Bible only says that God’s lions killed “some of them.” I’ll guess that there were 10 that were eaten by lions.)

114. An angel killed 185,000 sleeping soldiers

2 Kings 19.35, Isaiah 37.36

Number killed: 185,000

Sleeping Assyrian soldiers

Well, the title pretty much says it all, since it all happens in a single verse (that is repeated twice in the Bible).

185,000 sleeping Assyrian soldiers were killed by an angel of the Lord. And when they woke up the next morning “behold, they were all dead.”

The angel of the LORD went out, and smote in the camp of the Assyrians an hundred fourscore and five thousand: and when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses. 2 Kings 19.35, Isaiah 37.36

They probably all woke up and said in unison (as is customary in the Bible), “Shucks, I’m dead.”

115. God caused King Sennacherib to be killed by his sons

2 Kings 19.37, Isaiah 37.38

Number Killed: 1

Sennacherib

Poor king Hezekiah was upset, so upset, in fact, that he “rent his clothes.”

And it came to pass, when king Hezekiah heard it, that he rent his clothes. 2 Kings 19.1, Isaiah 37.1

You see, Hezekiah had just heard the commanding officer (Rabshakeh) of the Assyrian army say that Hezekiah and his people would soon be “eating their own dung and drinking their own piss.”

But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you? 2 Kings 18.27, Isaiah 36.12

So Hezekiah, who didn’t much like eating dung or drinking piss, sent a message to Isaiah, asking him what he should do about it. Isaiah told him not to worry. God would put a spirit (or “a blast” in the KJV) in the king of Assyria (Sennacherib) so that he will “hear a rumor” to return to his home in Ninevah. Then God will cause him to be killed with the sword.

Behold, I will send a blast upon him, and he shall hear a rumour, and shall return to his own land; and I will cause him to fall by the sword in his own land. 2 Kings 19.7, Isaiah 37.7

And that’s what happened. Sennacherib returned to Ninevah and was killed by his sons while he was in church praying.

And it came to pass, as he was worshipping in the house of Nisroch his god, that Adrammelech and Sharezer his sons smote him with the sword. 2 Kings 19.37, Isaiah 37.38

But then, he was praying to the wrong god so he deserved it.

116. Josiah killed all the priests of the high places

2 Kings 23.20

Estimated Number Killed:100

Priests of the high places

Josiah was the king of religious intolerance. He “put down” the priests that burned incense to the sun, moon, planets, and stars.

He put down the idolatrous priests ... that burned incense unto Baal, to the sun, and to the moon, and to the planets, and to all the host of heaven. 2 Kings 23.5

He burned the Asherah pole (the “grove” in the KJV) and spread the ashes on the graves of the children.

And he brought out the grove …and burned it … and stamped it small to powder, and cast the powder thereof upon the graves of the children of the people. 23.6

He destroyed the houses of the temple homosexuals.

He brake down the houses of the sodomites, that were by the house of the LORD, where the women wove hangings for the grove. 23.7

And he executed the priests and burned human bones upon their altars.

He slew all the priests of the high places that were there upon the altars, and burned men’s bones upon them 23.20

This was all in accordance with the prophecy of “the man of God from Judah.”

There came a man of God out of Judah by the word of the LORD ... and he cried against the altar in the word of the LORD, and said, O altar, altar thus saith the LORD; Behold, a child shall be born unto the house of David, Josiah by name; and upon thee shall he offer the priests of the high places that burn incense upon thee, and men’s bones shall be burnt upon thee. 1 Kings 13.1-2

(The Bible doesn’t say how many priests were killed by Josiah. I’ll guess 100.)

117. Just another holy war

1 Chronicles 5.20-22

Estimated Number Killed: 50,000

Hagarites

First Chronicles gets my vote for the most boring book ever written. Just try reading the first nine chapters some time. If you make it through, reading every word, you’re probably the first person who ever has.

But hidden in the list of descendants of Reuben in chapter five, there’s another one of God’s killings, one that I’d missed before. I probably lost interest somewhere in the “These are the children of Abihail the son of Huri, the son of Jaroah, the son of Gilead, the son of Michael, the son of Jeshishai, the son of Jahdo, the son of Buz…”

So anyway, here’s the story. I’m sorry it’s so boring.

It all starts with 44,760 sons of Reuben, who were valiant men that could shoot bows and hack things to pieces with swords.

The sons of Reuben, and the Gadites, and half the tribe of Manasseh, of valiant men, men able to bear buckler and sword, and to shoot with bow, and skilful in war, were four and forty thousand seven hundred and threescore, that went out to the war. 1 Chronicles 5.18

All they needed was a war to keep them busy. And they found one.

They made war with the Hagarites, with Jetur, and Nephish, and Nodab. 5.19

While the sons of Reuben were fighting, they cried to God, so God decided to be on their side, delivering the Hagarites into their hand.

And the Hagarites were delivered into their hand, and all that were with them: for they cried to God in the battle, and he was intreated of them; because they put their trust in him. 5:20

And that pretty much did it. Once you have God on your side in a holy war that is “of God,” killing people is a piece of cake.

For there fell down many slain, because the war was of God. 5.22

All that was left was to collect the booty.

They took away their cattle; of their camels fifty thousand, and of sheep two hundred and fifty thousand, and of asses two thousand, and of men an hundred thousand. 5.21

Which is pretty good, as booty goes. 50,000 camels, a quarter million sheep, 2000 asses, and 100,000 slaves.

But how many were killed in this holy war of God? It’s a shame that God doesn’t tell us, but with 100,000 slaves, I’d think the valiant sons of Reuben must have killed 50,000 or so. What with God on their side and all.

118. God killed a half million Israelite soldiers

2 Chronicles 13.15-17

Number Killed: 500,000

Israelite soldiers

Sometimes God has to kill a half million of his favorite people just to make a point of some kind. I’m not sure what the point was in this case, but that’s beside the point, whatever it might have been.

Here’s what happened.

There was a war between King Abijah of Judah and Jeroboam of Israel. Abijah had 400,000 “chosen men” and Jeroboam had 800,000 “mighty men of valor.”

Abijah set the battle in array with an army of valiant men of war, even four hundred thousand chosen men: Jeroboam also set the battle in array against him with eight hundred thousand chosen men, being mighty men of valour. 2 Chronicles 13.3

Abijah stood on a hilltop and delivered a long, boring speech to all 1.2 million men. (He had a very loud voice.)

Abijah stood up upon mount Zemaraim, which is in mount Ephraim, and said, Hear me, thou Jeroboam, and all Israel; Ought ye not to know that the LORD God of Israel gave the kingdom over Israel to David for ever, even to him and to his sons by a covenant of salt?

…

And, behold, God himself is with us for our captain, and his priests with sounding trumpets to cry alarm against you. O children of Israel, fight ye not against the LORD God of your fathers; for ye shall not prosper. 13.4-12

When Abijah was done with his speech, Jeroboam’s mighty men attacked from behind.

But Jeroboam caused an ambushment to come about behind them: so they were before Judah, and the ambushment was behind them. 13.13

But then the chosen men of Judah cried to God, blew some trumpets, and shouted all at once.

When Judah looked back, behold, the battle was before and behind: and they cried unto the LORD, and the priests sounded with the trumpets. Then the men of Judah gave a shout. 13.14-15a

And then God got involved, killing 500,000 Israelite soldiers.

As the men of Judah shouted … God smote Jeroboam and all Israel before Abijah and Judah. And the children of Israel fled before Judah: and God delivered them into their hand. And Abijah and his people slew them with a great slaughter: so there fell down slain of Israel five hundred thousand chosen men. 13.15b-17

But it was all for a good cause. I’m just not sure what the cause was.

119. Jeroboam

2 Chronicles 13.20

Number Killed: 1

Jeroboam

After God killed 500,000 of Israelite soldiers (118), he killed their leader, King Jeroboam.

Neither did Jeroboam recover strength again in the days of Abijah: and the LORD struck him, and he died. 2 Chronicles 13.20

You see, God hated Jeroboam. To God, Jeroboam was the worst person who had ever lived.

Go, tell Jeroboam, Thus saith the LORD .... thou hast ... done evil above all that were before thee. 1 Kings 14.7-9

(Why did God hate Jeroboam so much? Because after he became king he made two golden calves, put them on altars at Bethel and Dan, and led the people in sacrifices to them. See 1 Kings 12.28)

God had already killed Jeroboam’s son (88), and after God killed Jeroboam, he killed the rest of his family (89).

I’m not sure why. I guess it’s all a part of God’s family values.

This killing is a bit out of place chronologically. But I’ve decided to order God’s killings according to the order that they occur in the Bible. It’s hard to be sure of the correct chronology of mythical events.

120. God killed a million Ethiopians

2 Chronicles 14.12-13

Number Killed: 1,000,000

Ethiopians

In the killing before last (118), God killed 500,000 Israelites. That was pretty impressive. But here, in the next chapter of 2 Chronicles, God killed a million Ethiopians.

God got involved in this killing because he liked Asa, the king of Juda, so much. Asa did what was good and right in the eyes of the Lord by destroying the temples of other gods and forbidding their worship.

Asa did that which was good and right in the eyes of the LORD his God: For he took away the altars of the strange gods, and the high places, and brake down the images, and cut down the groves. 2 Chronicles 14.2-3

And he drove homosexuals out of the land.

And he took away the sodomites out of the land. 1 Kings 15.12

So when the Ethiopians attacked Judah while Asa was king, you know which side God was on.

There came out against them Zerah the Ethiopian with an host of a thousand thousand. 2 Chronicles 14.9

All Asa had to do was ask.

Asa cried unto the LORD his God, and said, LORD, it is nothing with thee to help, whether with many, or with them that have no power: help us, O LORD our God; for we rest on thee, and in thy name we go against this multitude. 14.11

And God killed all 1,000,000 Ethiopians, apparently all at once, in a single day.

So the LORD smote the Ethiopians ... they were destroyed before the LORD. 14.12-13

It was the largest, single, God-assisted slaughter in the Bible. [And according to McEvedy and Jones (p.230), it would have killed five times the entire Ethiopian population at the time.]

121. Friendly Fire: God forced “a great multitude” to kill each other

2 Chronicles 20.22-23

Estimated Number Killed: 30,000

Ammonites, Moabites, and Edomites

“A great multitude” of Ammonites, Moabites, and Edomites gathered to attack the kingdom of Judah.

There cometh a great multitude against thee from beyond the sea ... the children of Ammon and Moab and mount Seir [the Edomites]. 2 Chronicles 20.2,10

The king of Judah, Jehoshaphat, prays and prays and prays some more, asking God for help.

And Jehoshaphat stood in the congregation of Judah … And said, O LORD God of our fathers, art not thou God in heaven? and rulest not thou over all the kingdoms of the heathen? and in thine hand is there not power and might, so that none is able to withstand thee?

…

And now, behold, the children of Ammon and Moab and mount Seir … invade.

…

O our God, wilt thou not judge them? for we have no might against this great company that cometh against us; neither know we what to do: but our eyes are upon thee. 20.5-12

Everyone in Judah heard Jehoshaphat’s boring prayer.

All Judah stood before the LORD, with their little ones, their wives, and their children. 20.13

And then the spirit of the Lord came upon Jahaziel (the son of Zechariah, the son of Benaiah, the son of Jeiel, the son of Mattaniah, a Levite of the sons of Asaph) who told the people of Judah not to worry. They didn’t even need to fight; God would fight for them.

Then upon Jahaziel the son of Zechariah, the son of Benaiah, the son of Jeiel, the son of Mattaniah, a Levite of the sons of Asaph, came the Spirit of the LORD in the midst of the congregation; And he said, Hearken ye, all Judah, and ye inhabitants of Jerusalem, and thou king Jehoshaphat, Thus saith the LORD unto you, Be not afraid nor dismayed by reason of this great multitude; for the battle is not yours, but God’s. ... Ye shall not need to fight in this battle. 20.14-17

Then Jehoshaphat and the entire population of Judah fell on their faces.

Jehoshaphat bowed his head with his face to the ground: and all Judah and the inhabitants of Jerusalem fell before the LORD, worshipping the LORD. 20.18

Jehoshaphat appointed singers to praise the beauty of holiness and say, “Praise the Lord.”

Jehoshaphat ... appointed singers unto the LORD, and that should praise the beauty of holiness, as they went out before the army, and to say, Praise the LORD. 20.20-21

And God took care of everything else.

He ambushed the opposing army, forcing the Ammonites and the Moabites to kill the Edomites, and vice versa until “every one helped to destroy another.”

When they began to sing and to praise, the LORD set ambushments against the children of Ammon, Moab, and mount Seir, which were come against Judah; and they were smitten. For the children of Ammon and Moab stood up against the inhabitants of mount Seir, utterly to slay and destroy them: and when they had made an end of the inhabitants of Seir, every one helped to destroy another. 20.22-23

And so when everyone in Judah went up to the watch tower, they saw nothing but dead bodies.

When Judah came toward the watch tower in the wilderness, they looked unto the multitude, and, behold, they were dead bodies fallen to the earth, and none escaped. 20.24

Then the people of Judah came down from the watch tower and stripped all the booty from the dead bodies. It took them three days, but they got lots of cool stuff, including precious jewels. But there was just too much for them to carry away.

When Jehoshaphat and his people came to take away the spoil of them, they found among them in abundance both riches with the dead bodies, and precious jewels, which they stripped off for themselves, more than they could carry away: and they were three days in gathering of the spoil, it was so much. 20.25

(Since there was “a great multitude” of Ammonites, Moabites, and Edomites, I estimated 30,000, 10,000 from each tribe.)

122. God made Jehoram’s bowels fall out

2 Chronicles 21.19

Number Killed: 1

Jehoram of Judah

Jehoram (of Judah) was not a very nice guy. When he became king he killed all of his brothers along with some Israelite princes.

Now when Jehoram was risen up to the kingdom of his father, he strengthened himself, and slew all his brethren with the sword, and divers also of the princes of Israel. 2 Chronicles 21.4

And then he did something that really pissed off God: he made all the people commit fornication.

Moreover he made high places in the mountains of Judah and caused the inhabitants of Jerusalem to commit fornication. 21.11

When the news got to Elijah, he sent Jehoram a letter telling him he was in big trouble with God. God will smite his children, wives, and all the people of Judah with a great plague.

Behold, with a great plague will the LORD smite thy people, and thy children, and thy wives. 21.14

And he will smite Jehoram with a disease of his bowels until his bowels fall out.

And thou shalt have great sickness by disease of thy bowels, until thy bowels fall out. 21.15

God first “stirred up” some people to carry away his sons and wives.

The LORD stirred up against Jehoram the spirit of the Philistines, and of the Arabians, that were near the Ethiopians: And they came up into Judah, and brake into it, and carried away his sons also, and his wives ... save Jehoahaz, the youngest of his sons. 21.16-17

And then God smote Jehoram in his bowels with an incurable disease.

After all this the LORD smote him in his bowels with an incurable disease. 21.18

For two years Jehoram suffered from the disease, until his bowels finally fell out.

After the end of two years, his bowels fell out by reason of his sickness: so he died of sore diseases. 21.19

123. God killed Jehoram’s sons

2 Chronicles 22.1

Estimated Number Killed: 3

Jehoram’s sons

In Elijah’s letter to Jehoram, he said that God would smite his children and his wives with a great plague.

Behold, with a great plague will the LORD smite thy people, and thy children, and thy wives. 2 Chronicles 21.14

From that, I expected God to send a disease to kill Jehoram’s wives, children, and people. But he sent some Arabians instead.

The LORD stirred up against Jehoram the spirit of the Philistines, and of the Arabians, that were near the Ethiopians: And they came up into Judah, and brake into it, and carried away all the substance that was found in the king’s house, and his sons also, and his wives; so that there was never a son left him, save Jehoahaz, the youngest of his sons. 21.16-17

So I figured the Arabians just enslaved Jehoram’s wives and sons (Elijah, God, and the Bible say nothing about the daughters). But then, the next chapter starts with this:

The inhabitants of Jerusalem made Ahaziah his youngest son king in his stead: for the band of men that came with the Arabians to the camp had slain all the eldest. 22.1

Which means that the Arabians didn’t just take his sons and wives away; they killed them. And since God was the one who stirred them up in the first place, he deserves credit for killing Jehoram’s sons. (The verse doesn’t say what happened to the wives, daughters, or the rest of the people of Judah.)

How many sons were killed by the Arabians? The text doesn’t say, so I’ll guess 3.

124. Ahaziah (of Judah)

2 Chronicles 22.6-9

Number Killed: 1

Ahaziah of Judah

It’s hard to keep track of Bible characters. They often have the same name, live at the same time, do pretty much the same things (do evil in the sight of the Lord), and have the same fate (God usually kills them). It will drive you nuts if you’re not careful.

Take King Ahaziah, for example.

First of all, there were two of them: Ahaziah of Israel and Ahaziah of Judah. They lived at about the same time (9th century BCE), were evil in the sight of the Lord, and they were both (more of less) killed by God.

I’ve already told you about Ahaziah of Israel. He was the guy that God killed (100) for asking the wrong god if he would die after God burned to death 102 messengers for asking Elijah to come down from his hill so that Ahaziah could ask Elijah to ask God if he was going to die (even though he’d already been told that God was going to kill him for asking the wrong god).

But this story is not about him. It’s about the other Ahaziah, King Ahaziah of Judah.

There are a couple things to keep in mind about him.

1. Ahaziah of Judah had an alias: Jehoahaz (2 Chronicles 21.17 and 2 Chronicles 25.23).

2. And he is the only person in the Bible (or anywhere else as far as I know) who was older than his own father. Here’s how we know that.

Ahaziah of Judah began to reign when he was 42 years old after God killed his father Jehoram [by making his bowels fall out (122)].

Ahaziah the son of Jehoram king of Judah reigned. Forty and two years old was Ahaziah when he began to reign. 2 Chronicles 22.1-2

And his father’s bowels fell out (with a little help from God) when he was 40 years old.

The LORD smote him [Jehoram] in his bowels with an incurable disease. And it came to pass ... his bowels fell out by reason of his sickness ... Thirty and two years old was he when he began to reign, and he reigned in Jerusalem eight years. 2 Chronicles 21.18-20

(2 Kings 8.26 says that Ahaziah was 22 years old when he began to reign, which means that he was both 22 and 42 years old when God made his dad’s bowels fall out—and that’s almost as cool as being two year older than your own father.)

OK, but how did Ahaziah of Judah die?

For that we have to go back to the Jehu chronicles. You remember Jehu, don’t you? The guy who madly drove around in his chariot killing people for God? Yeah, well, Ahaziah was on his list.

Jehu’s first victim was Ahab’s son, Jehoram (105), the king of Israel. (God wanted him killed since his father, Ahab, didn’t kill a captured king.)

But Ahaziah was with Jehoram at the time and was pursued and wounded by Jehu. Ahaziah fled to Megiddo and died there.

When Ahaziah the king of Judah saw this, he fled by the way of the garden house. And Jehu followed after him, and said, Smite him also in the chariot. And they did so ... And he fled to Megiddo, and died there. 2 Kings 9.27

Since I couldn’t tell from this story whether or not Ahaziah died from the wound or later from natural causes, I left it off the list of God’s killings.

But then I read the story in 2 Chronicles.

And Azariah the son of Jehoram king of Judah went down to see Jehoram the son of Ahab at Jezreel, because he was sick. And the destruction of Ahaziah was of God by coming to Joram [Jehoram]: for when he was come, he went out with Jehoram against Jehu the son of Nimshi, whom the LORD had anointed to cut off the house of Ahab. And it came to pass, that, when Jehu was executing judgment upon the house of Ahab, and found the princes of Judah, and the sons of the brethren of Ahaziah, that ministered to Ahaziah, he slew them. And he sought Ahaziah: and they caught him, (for he was hid in Samaria,) and brought him to Jehu: and when they had slain him, they buried him. 2 Chronicles 22.6-9

According to this story, Jehu killed Ahaziah while he was hiding out in Samaria. “And the destruction of Ahaziah was of God.”

So I don’t know who to believe. Did Ahaziah die in Meggido or in Samaria?

I’m not sure. But God approved of his killing, however and wherever he might have died. For “the destruction of Ahaziah was of God.”

125. Joash, the princes, and army of Judah

2 Chronicles 24.24-25

Estimated Number Killed: 10,000

Joash, the princes, and army of Judah

Here’s another boring one. Sorry about that.

It starts with the spirit of God coming on Zechariah, which, of course, makes him condemn everybody else.

The Spirit of God came upon Zechariah the son of Jehoiada the priest, which stood above the people, and said unto them, Thus saith God, Why transgress ye the commandments of the LORD, that ye cannot prosper? because ye have forsaken the LORD, he hath also forsaken you. 2 Chronicles 24.20

Then the people get pissed off at him, so they stone him (with stones).

And they conspired against him, and stoned him with stones at the commandment of the king [Joash] in the court of the house of the LORD. 24.21

As Zechariah died he asked God to avenge his death.

When he died, he said, The LORD look upon it, and require it. 24.22

So God sends “the host of Syria” to Judah to kill its princes.

At the end of the year … the host of Syria came up against him: and they came to Judah and Jerusalem, and destroyed all the princes of the people from among the people. 24.23

And defeat the “very great” army of Judah, which the Syrians were able to do with “a small company of men” because the Lord delivered them into their hand.

For the army of the Syrians came with a small company of men, and the LORD delivered a very great host into their hand, because they had forsaken the LORD God of their fathers. So they executed judgment against Joash. 24.24

In the process, Joash was wounded and then killed in his bed.

When they were departed from him, (for they left him in great diseases,) his own servants conspired against him for the blood of the sons of Jehoiada the priest, and slew him on his bed, and he died 24.25

The Bible doesn’t say how many died, but since the Lord delivered “a very great host” into the hand of the Syrians, I’ll say 10,000.

126. God destroyed Amaziah

2 Chronicles 25.20-22, 27

Estimated Number Killed: 1,000
Amaziah and his soldiers

The first thing we are told about King Amaziah (besides when he began to reign and the name of his parents) is that he “did that which was right in the sight of the LORD, but not with a perfect heart.”

Amaziah ... did that which was right in the sight of the LORD, but not with a perfect heart. 2 Chronicles 25.1-2

And the first thing that he did was murder the murderers of his father.

Now it came to pass, when the kingdom was established to him, that he slew his servants that had killed the king his father. 25.3

Next he killed 10,000 Edomites (children of Seir).

Amaziah strengthened himself, and led forth his people, and went to the valley of salt, and smote of the children of Seir ten thousand. 25.11

And then he rounded up another 10,000 Edomites and pushed them off a cliff. And “they all were broken in pieces.”

And other ten thousand left alive did the children of Judah carry away captive, and brought them unto the top of the rock, and cast them down from the top of the rock, that they all were broken in pieces. 25.12

After he got back from slaughtering the Edomites, Amaziah began to worship the Edomite gods.

After that Amaziah was come from the slaughter of the Edomites, that he brought the gods of the children of Seir, and set them up to be his gods, and bowed down himself before them, and burned incense unto them. 25.14

Which, unlike throwing 10,000 people off a cliff, was not right in the eyes of the Lord.

So God sent a prophet to tell Amaziah that God was going to destroy him.

Wherefore the anger of the LORD was kindled against Amaziah, and he sent unto him a prophet, which said unto him ... God hath determined to destroy thee. 25.15-16

Then Amaziah had a meeting with King Joash of Israel, who has this to say to Amaziah:

The thistle that was in Lebanon sent to the cedar that was in Lebanon, saying, Give thy daughter to my son to wife: and there passed by a wild beast that was in Lebanon, and trode down the thistle. 25.18

Which means nothing at all to me.

But then Joash says something a bit more comprehensible.

Thou sayest, Lo, thou hast smitten the Edomites; and thine heart lifteth thee up to boast: abide now at home; why shouldest thou meddle to thine hurt, that thou shouldest fall, even thou, and Judah with thee? 25.19

Which means, I guess, “Back off, big guy.”

But Amaziah didn’t back off and Joash defeated him (“for it came of God”).

But Amaziah would not hear; for it came of God, that he might deliver them into the hand of their enemies, because they sought after the gods of Edom. ... And Judah was put to the worse before Israel. 25.20-22

Although Amaziah’s army was defeated by Joash’s, Amaziah survived the battle. But years later there was a conspiracy against him and he was killed.

Now after the time that Amaziah did turn away from following the LORD they made a conspiracy against him in Jerusalem; and he fled to Lachish: but they sent to Lachish after him, and slew him there. 25.27

So God caused the death of Amaziah and the defeat of his army, and, therefore the death of many of his soldiers. So I’ll add another 1000 to God’s total.

127. God smote Ahaz with the king of Syria

2 Chronicles 28.5

Estimated Number Killed: 10,000
Ahaz and his soldiers

Ahaz was another king that God didn’t like very much. He just wasn’t enough like David to suit him.

Ahaz ... did not that which was right in the sight of the LORD, like David his father. 2 Chronicles 28.1

And, it’s true; he did seem to lack parenting skills.

Moreover he ... burnt his children in the fire. 28.3

But worst of all, he was a compulsive incense burner, burning incense in the high places, and on the hills, and under every green tree in Judah.

He burnt incense in the high places, and on the hills, and under every green tree. 28.4

So, of course, God had to put a stop to that.

He did it in the usual way; he smote him by delivering him into the hand of another king (this time the king of Syria).

Wherefore the LORD his God delivered him into the hand of the king of Syria; and they smote him … And he was also delivered into the hand of the king of Israel, who smote him with a great slaughter. 28.5

The text doesn’t say how many of Judah’s soldiers died in this smiting. But since in the next verse 120,000 soldiers die in one day, I figure it must have been at least 10,000.

128. God killed 120,000 valiant men for forsaking him

2 Chronicles 28.6

Number Killed: 120,000

Valiant men of Judah

After God smote Ahaz (127) by delivering him into the hand of the Syrian king, he delivered him into the hand of another king (Pekah, the king of Israel) for some more smiting. I guess the Syrian king didn’t smite Ahaz hard enough.

God should have been pleased with the second smiting, though, since it was “a great slaughter.”

He [Ahaz] was also delivered into the hand of the king of Israel, who smote him with a great slaughter. 2 Chronicles 28.5b

And it was a great slaughter, too. 120,000 valiant men died in one day! (And 200,000 women and children were taken for slaves.)

For Pekah the son of Remaliah slew in Judah an hundred and twenty thousand in one day, which were all valiant men; because they had forsaken the LORD God of their fathers. ... And the children of Israel carried away captive of their brethren two hundred thousand, women, sons, and daughters. 28.6-8

But God wasn’t pleased with this slaughter either. In fact, the fierce wrath of God was now on the smiters.

A prophet of the LORD was there, whose name was Oded: and he ... said unto them, Behold, because the LORD God of your fathers was wroth with Judah, he hath delivered them into your hand, and ye have slain them in a rage that reacheth up unto heaven. ... for the fierce wrath of the LORD is upon you. 28.9-11

You see, in the first smiting, the Syrians didn’t kill enough people; in the second, the Israelites killed too many. God has a golden mean, sort of a Goldilocks standard for smiting. I’m guessing that God thought that 60,000 to 80,000 was the proper amount of smiting to pay forward King Ahaz for his children/incense burning activities.

In any case, the Israelites worked things out with God by sending the slaves back to Judah and giving them their stuff back. And God forgot his rage toward the Israelites and moved on to his next killing.

129. The fall of Jerusalem

2 Chronicles 36.17, Jeremiah 21.4-10

Estimated Number Killed: 10,000

Citizens of Jerusalem

There are only two kinds of kings in the Bible: those that were like David and did right in the sight of the Lord and those that were not like David and did evil in the sight of the Lord. Zedekiah was in the latter group. He didn’t humble himself in front of Jeremiah, he rebelled against Nebuchadnezzar, stiffened his neck, and hardened his heart.

Zedekiah … did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD his God, and humbled not himself before Jeremiah the prophet speaking from the mouth of the LORD. And he also rebelled against king Nebuchadnezzar, who had made him swear by God: but he stiffened his neck, and hardened his heart from turning unto the LORD God of Israel. 2 Chronicles 36.11-13

And everyone else in Judah was just as bad. They did all the basic heathen-like abominations, polluted the temple. You name it.

Moreover all the chief of the priests, and the people, transgressed very much after all the abominations of the heathen; and polluted the house of the LORD which he had hallowed in Jerusalem. 36.14

They even ignored, mocked, and mistreated God’s messengers.

And the LORD God of their fathers sent to them by his messengers, rising up betimes, and sending; because he had compassion on his people, and on his dwelling place. But they mocked the messengers of God, and despised his words, and misused his prophets. 36.15-16a

Well, there’s only so much of that that God will put up with. Finally he couldn’t take it any more and unleashed his wrath upon them.

The wrath of the LORD arose against his people, till there was no remedy. 36.16b

He sent the Babylonians (Chaldees) to slaughter the people of Jerusalem. Young men, little girls, old people—God had them all killed without pity.

Therefore he brought upon them the king of the Chaldees, who slew their young men with the sword in the house of their sanctuary, and had no compassion upon young man or maiden, old man, or him that stooped for age: he gave them all into his hand. 36.17

Well, not all, I guess. Some survived and were carried off to Babylon.

Jeremiah gets even more carried away with this story. Here’s what he says:

Thus saith the LORD God of Israel; Behold, I will turn back the weapons of war that are in your hands, wherewith ye fight against the king of Babylon, and against the Chaldeans … And I myself will fight against you with an outstretched hand and with a strong arm, even in anger, and in fury, and in great wrath. ... I will deliver Zedekiah king of Judah, and his servants, and the people, and such as are left in this city from the pestilence, from the sword, and from the famine, into the hand of Nebuchadrezzar king of Babylon, and into the hand of their enemies, and into the hand of those that seek their life: and he shall smite them with the edge of the sword; he shall not spare them, neither have pity, nor have mercy. ... He that abideth in this city shall die by the sword, and by the famine, and by the pestilence: but he that goeth out, and falleth to the Chaldeans that besiege you, he shall live, and his life shall be unto him for a prey. For I have set my face against this city for evil, and not for good, saith the LORD: it shall be given into the hand of the king of Babylon, and he shall burn it with fire. Jeremiah 21:4-10

The Bible doesn’t say how many God killed with the sword, famine, and disease. But according to Jeremiah, everyone in Jerusalem died, except for those who surrendered to Nebachadnezzar. So I’ll guess 10,000.

130. God and Satan kill Job’s children and slaves

Job 1.14-19

Estimated Number Killed: 60

Job’s 10 children and slaves

This is the only killing in the Bible that Satan had anything to do with. And he didn’t do it alone; God was a co-conspirator.

The story begins by introducing Job.

Job was a perfect man with 7 sons, 3 daughters, 7000 sheep, 3000 camels, 500 oxen, 500 she asses, and lots of slaves. He was the greatest man in the east.

There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil. And there were born unto him seven sons and three daughters. His substance also was seven thousand sheep, and three thousand camels, and five hundred yoke of oxen, and five hundred she asses, and a very great household; so that this man was the greatest of all the men of the east. Job 1.1-3

Job’s sons liked to party a lot, and they often invited their sisters over to party with them.

His sons went and feasted in their houses, every one his day; and sent and called for their three sisters to eat and to drink with them. 1.4

Job worried that his sons (he didn’t worry about his daughters) might sin while they were partying, so Job spent all his time killing animals for God in order to sanctify his sons.

When the days of their feasting were gone about … Job sent and sanctified them, and rose up early in the morning, and offered burnt offerings according to the number of them all: for Job said, It may be that my sons have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts. Thus did Job continually. 1.5

One day the sons of God came over to God’s place. And Satan was with them.

Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan came also among them. 1.6

God ignored his other sons, but was especially interested in Satan. He hadn’t seen him for a while and wanted to know what he’d been up to lately.

And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? 1.7a

Satan said that he’d been down hiking around on earth.

Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it. 1.7b

God asked Satan if he’d seen Job, you know, the guy that is perfect, upright, God-fearing, and whatnot.

The LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? 1.8

Satan knew who God was talking about. He told God that Job had a good reason to be good. God made Job the biggest big shot east of Eden, protecting him from everything bad and giving him everything good.

Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, Doth Job fear God for nought? Hast not thou made an hedge about him, and about his house, and about all that he hath on every side? thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his substance is increased in the land. 1.9-10

Take away the protection and mess with his stuff, and he’ll curse you to your face, Big Guy.

But put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face. 1.11

So God said, “You’re on, Satan. Go back down to earth and do whatever the hell you want with his stuff. But don’t do anything to him.”

The LORD said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. 1.12a

So Satan left God’s place and, presumably (although the Bible doesn’t actually say so), went down to earth to visit Job.

So Satan went forth from the presence of the LORD. 1.12b

When Satan got down to earth, he found Job’s children partying, as usual.

There was a day when his sons and his daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother’s house: 1.13

And then all hell broke loose.

A messenger came to tell Job that the Sabeans had taken his oxen and asses and killed all his slaves (“servants” in the KJV).

There came a messenger unto Job, and said, The oxen were plowing, and the asses feeding beside them: And the Sabeans fell upon them, and took them away; yea, they have slain the servants with the edge of the sword; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. 1.14-15

And then, while Job was still talking to the first messenger, another messenger showed up, telling him that “a fire from God had fallen from heaven” and burned up Job’s sheep and slaves (I guess some slaves must have survived the Sabean attack).

While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The fire of God is fallen from heaven, and hath burned up the sheep, and the servants, and consumed them; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. 1.16

And then while the second messenger was speaking, a third messenger arrived to tell Job that a wind came up and knocked down the party house, killing all of Job’s children. (These three messengers were, of course, the only ones who survived.)

While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, Thy sons and thy daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother’s house: And, behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men, and they are dead; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. 1.18-19

After Job heard these three messages he ripped up his clothes, shaved his head, fell on his face, and worshiped the God who had just murdered his children.

Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped. 1.20

Oh, and he also said that he was born naked and would die naked, God gives and takes away, blessed be his name.

And said, Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. 1.21

God burned to death his slaves and animals and murdered his children, but Job didn’t blame God.

In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly. 1.22

But God was to blame, even if Job didn’t have the guts to say so.

We know that God and Satan killed Job’s seven sons and three daughters. But Job also owned a lot of slaves, which were killed in God’s bet with Satan, although the Bible doesn’t say how many. I’ll guess there were 50 slaves that died (some burned to death).

131. Hananiah

Jeremiah 28.15-17

Number Killed: 1

Hananiah

Whenever two prophets get together in the Bible, you can be pretty sure that one of them will soon be killed by God. Remember how God sent a lion to kill a prophet for believing another prophet’s lie (87)? And then he sent another lion to kill another prophet for refusing to smite fellow prophet (97)? Yeah, well, the same thing happens to here to Hananiah, sans lion.

The trouble starts when Hananiah prophesies good news for the people of Judah. God was going to break the yoke of the king of Babylon and bring the people of Judah back home.

Hananiah … the prophet … spake … in the presence of the priests and of all the people, saying, Thus speaketh the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel, saying, I have broken the yoke of the king of Babylon. Within two full years … I will bring again to this place … all the captives of Judah … for I will break the yoke of the king of Babylon. Jeremiah 28.1-4

Which contradicted what Jeremiah had been telling everyone. Lately, in fact, Jeremiah was running around wearing a wooden yoke, symbolizing Nebuchadnezzar’s absolute power over Israel. So Hananiah’s good news was anathema to him.

Jeremiah replied with his usual sarcasm.

Amen: the LORD do so: the LORD perform thy words which thou hast prophesied, to bring again the vessels of the LORD’s house, and all that is carried away captive, from Babylon into this place. 28.6

Then Hanaiah took Jeremiah’s silly yoke and broke it in front of everyone.

Then Hananiah the prophet took the yoke from off the prophet Jeremiah’s neck, and brake it. 28.10

And he repeated his prophecy about the end of Judah’s exile within two years.

And Hananiah spake in the presence of all the people, saying, Thus saith the LORD; Even so will I break the yoke of Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon from the neck of all nations within the space of two full years. 28.11

Jeremiah went away after that. But a little later God told Jeremiah to tell Hananiah that he wants everyone to serve Nebuchadnezzar, even the animals.

Go and tell Hananiah, saying, Thus saith the LORD … I have put a yoke of iron upon the neck of all these nations, that they may serve Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon; and they shall serve him: and I have given him the beasts of the field also. 28.14

Oh, yeah, and that within a year God would kill him.

Hear now, Hananiah; The LORD hath not sent thee; but thou makest this people to trust in a lie. Therefore thus saith the LORD; Behold, I will cast thee from off the face of the earth: this year thou shalt die, because thou hast taught rebellion against the LORD. 28.15-16

And, by golly, that’s what happened.

So Hananiah the prophet died the same year in the seventh month. 28.17

132. Ezekiel’s wife

Ezekiel 24.16-18

Number Killed: 1

Ezekiel’s wife

I guess God was trying to make some kind of point in this killing.

God had just revealed some important stuff to Ezekiel.

Thus saith the Lord GOD ... Woe to the bloody city, to the pot whose scum is therein, and whose scum is not gone out of it! ... That it might cause fury to come up to take vengeance; I have set her blood upon the top of a rock, that it should not be covered. ... Woe to the bloody city! ... Heap on wood, kindle the fire, consume the flesh, and spice it well, and let the bones be burned ... that the filthiness of it may be molten in it, that the scum of it may be consumed. She hath wearied herself with lies, and her great scum went not forth out of her: her scum shall be in the fire. ... I the LORD have spoken it: it shall come to pass, and I will do it; I will not go back, neither will I spare. Ezekiel 24:3-14

So there you have it. God is going to make a bloody, scum-filled soup using human blood, bones, and body parts. It will come to pass and God will spare no one.

Then in the next verse he announces his next killing: Ezekiel’s wife.

Also the word of the LORD came unto me, saying, Son of man, behold, I take away from thee the desire of thine eyes with a stroke. 24:15-16a

Now, I don’t think God meant to say here that he was going to kill Ezekiel’s wife “with a stroke.” Here’s how the Revised Standard Version puts it.

Son of Man, behold, I am about to take the delight of your eyes away from you at a stroke.” 24:16a (SRV)

So although we don’t know how, we do know he’s going to kill her right away, “in a stroke.”

And when he does, God doesn’t want Ezekiel to mourn her death in any way. He’s not allowed to cry, take his shoes off, cover his lips, unbind the tire of his head, or eat the bread of men.

Yet neither shalt thou mourn nor weep, neither shall thy tears run down. Forbear to cry, make no mourning for the dead, bind the tire of thine head upon thee, and put on thy shoes upon thy feet, and cover not thy lips, and eat not the bread of men. 24:16b-17

And that’s what happened. God killed Ezekiel’s wife and Ezekiel didn’t give a shit.

My wife died; and I did in the morning as I was commanded. 24:18

Then God and Ezekiel explain the whole point of this killing to everyone in Israel. God will kill their sons and daughters, and no one is allowed to mourn them after they die, just like Ezekiel didn’t mourn his wife when God killed her.

The word of the LORD came unto me, saying ... your sons and your daughters ... shall fall by the sword. And ye shall do as I have done: ye shall not cover your lips, nor eat the bread of men. And your tires shall be upon your heads, and your shoes upon your feet: ye shall not mourn nor weep ... Thus Ezekiel is unto you a sign: according to all that he hath done shall ye do. 24:20-24

Well, now, that’s a point worth killing for, isn’t it?

133. Ananias and Sapphira

Acts 5.5-10

Number Killed: 2

Ananias and Sapphira

Ananias and his wife, Sapphira, sold some land, gave some of the money to the apostles, and kept the rest.

Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession, And kept back part of the price, his wife also being privy to it, and brought a certain part, and laid it at the apostles’ feet. Acts 5:1-2

The bible doesn’t say how much the land sold for or what percentage they kept or gave away.

But whatever the selling price may have been, the percentage of the donation wasn’t enough to satisfy Peter. Or God.

Peter accused Ananias of getting his heart filled up with Satan and lying to the Holy Ghost. Why? Because Ananias didn’t give Peter all of the money from the sale of his property.

But Peter said, Ananias, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of the land? Why hast thou conceived this thing in thine heart? thou hast not lied unto men, but unto God. 5:3-4

I don’t know how Peter would know that Satan was involved in any of this. God must have told him. But what about this “lie to the Holy Ghost” thing? So far, Ananias hasn’t said a thing. Don’t your lips have to move when you lie?

Maybe not. Maybe you lie to the Holy Ghost every time you don’t give all of your money to the church.

In any case, Ananias fell over dead before getting to say a single word in his own defense.

Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost. 5:5

A few hours later, they brought in Sapphira, who didn’t yet know what had happened to her husband.

It was about the space of three hours after, when his wife, not knowing what was done, came in. 5:7

Peter asked her if the land sold for a certain price, and she said, yes, that was what the land sold for.

Peter answered unto her, Tell me whether ye sold the land for so much? And she said, Yea, for so much. 5:8

Then Peter asked her why she and her husband had tempted the Spirit of the Lord. And then, before she could answer, Peter told her that the guys who had just buried her husband were going to do the same to her.

Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out. 5:9

After hearing Peter’s words, she fell down dead. And the “young men” came in to bury her.

Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost: and the young men came in, and found her dead, and, carrying her forth, buried her by her husband. 5:10

And it scared the shekels out of everyone in the church.

And great fear came upon all the church, and upon as many as heard these things. 5:11

134. Herod Aggripa

Acts 12.23

Number Killed: 1

Herod Aggripa

One day, King Herod (Aggripa) gave a speech to the people.

Upon a set day Herod, arrayed in royal apparel, sat upon his throne, and made an oration unto them. Acts 12:21

The Bible doesn’t tell us what he said, but it must have been one hell of a good speech, since when the people heard it they all shouted at once and in unison, “this is the voice of a god, not a man.”

The people gave a shout, saying, It is the voice of a god, and not of a man. 12:22

But God didn’t like the speech. And he was especially angry at Herod for not giving the glory to him. God wants all of the glory and it pisses him off when someone else gets some. So he sent an angel down to kill him.

Immediately the angel of the Lord smote him, because he gave not God the glory. 12:23a

And then God fed King Herod to the worms.

And he was eaten of worms, and gave up the ghost. 12:23b

(I give God all the glory for this Bible story.)

135. Jesus

Romans 8.32, 1 Peter 1.18-20

Number Killed: 1

Jesus

You’ve heard this one before: God killed his son in order to stop himself from torturing people forever after they die for something that someone else supposedly did thousands of years before they were born.

The story is known too well already. So I’m not going to waste any time on it here. There are only two things that you need to know about it.

1. God killed his own son.

He ... spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all. Romans 8:32

2. He had the whole thing planned from the very beginning.

Ye were not redeemed with corruptible things ... But with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot: Who verily was foreordained before the foundation of the world. 1 Peter 1:18-20

It’s hard to imagine something worse than a father planning to kill his own son. Except maybe a father killing his son in order to keep himself from torturing billions of others forever.

“He that spared not his own son” shouldn’t be trusted by anyone.

Afterword

Now that I’ve told you these stories, I have a confession to make.

I don’t believe that any of these killings actually happened (with the possible exception of the last one). There was no world-wide flood of Noah, no fiery serpents, no prophet-eating lions, no children-killing bears, no divinely-fashioned hemorrhoids, no rotting body-part messages, no giants for God to kill. Samson didn’t kill thirty men for their clothes, David didn’t buy a wife with 200 Philistine foreskins, and Jehu didn’t murder entire families for God. And although Jesus may have been executed by the Romans, God had nothing to do with it. God is, in fact, entirely innocent of all of the murders described in this book, insofar as an imaginary being can be innocent or guilty of anything.

I suspect that most Bible believers would like to agree with me on this (that God is innocent—not that he doesn’t exist). But they can’t have it both ways. If they believe in the Bible, they also believe in God’s killings.

And yet believers have found a creative (if somewhat lazy and dishonest) way around the problem: either they don’t read the Bible or they ignore the parts that are disturbing. It’s easier to believe in cruel, nasty, and absurd things if you don’t know that they exist.

But that only works when non-believers are as ignorant and dishonest about the Bible as believers tend to be. As the Bible becomes better known, people will know better than to believe in it. And believers will be rightfully embarrassed by their own belief.

I hope that this book helps to make that day come a little sooner.

A list of God’s killings
with biblical numbers and estimates

1. The Flood of Noah: All Flesh Died That Moved Upon the Earth

Estimate: 20 million

2. Abraham’s war to rescue Lot

Estimate: 1000

3. Sodom and Gomorrah: Shall I hide from Abraham the thing that I do?

Estimate: 2000

4. Remember Lot’s Wife (Forget Jesus)

1

5. Er was wicked in the sight of the Lord (so the Lord slew him)

1

6. Onan spilled it on the ground (so the Lord killed him too)

1

7. God’s seven year, world-wide famine

Estimate: 70,000

8. The Seventh Plague of Egypt: Hail shall come down upon them and they shall die

Estimate: 300,000

9. The Lord smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt

Estimate: 500,000

10. The Lord took off their chariot wheels

At least 600

Estimate: 5000

11. The Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation

Estimate: 1000

12. Who is on the Lord’s side: Forcing friends and family to kill each other

3000

13. The Lord plagued the people because of the calf that Aaron made

Estimate: 1000

14. God burns Aaron’s sons to death for offering “strange fire”

2

15. A blasphemer is stoned to death

1

16. When the people complained, God burned them to death

Estimate: 100

17. While the flesh was still between their teeth, the Lord smote them with a very great plague

Estimate: 10,000

18. Ten scouts are killed for their honest report

10

19. A man gathering sticks on the Sabbath day

1

20. The opposing party is buried alive (along with their families)

At least 3

Estimate: 9

21. God burns 250 people to death for burning incense

250

22. God killed 14,700 people for complaining about God’s killings

14,700

23. The Massacre of the Aradites

Estimate: 3000

24. God sent fiery serpents to bite the people for complaining about the lack of food and water

Estimate: 100

25. A killing to end God’s killing

24,002

26. The Midianite Massacre: Have you saved all the women alive?

Many more than 6

Estimate: 200,000

27. God slowly killed the Israelite army

Estimate: 500,000

28. God the giant killer

Estimate: 5000

29. God hardens King Sihon’s heart so that all his people can be killed

Many more than 1

Estimate: 5000

30. Og and all the men, women, and children in 60 cities

More than 1

Estimate: 60,000

31. The Jericho massacre

Estimate: 1000

32. Achan and his family are stoned and burned to death

At least 1

Estimate: 5

33. The Ai massacre

12,000

34. God stops the sun so that Joshua can get his killing done in the daylight

Estimate: 5000

35. Five kings killed and hung on trees

Many more than 5

Estimate: 10,000

36. Joshua utterly destroyed all that breathed as the Lord God commanded

Many more than 7

Estimate: 7,000

37. The genocide of twenty Kingdoms

Many more than 2

Estimate: 20,000

38. The Anakim: Some more giant killing

Estimate: 5000

39. The Lord delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites

10,000

40. The Jerusalem massacre

Estimate: 1000

41. Five massacres, a wedding, and some God-proof iron chariots

Estimate: 5,000

42. The Lord delivered Chushanrishathaim

1

Estimate: 1000

43. Ehud delivers a message from God

1

44. God delivers 10,000 lusty Moabites

10,000

45. Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad

600

46. Barak and God massacre the Canaanites

Estimate: 1000

47. Jael pounds a tent stake through a sleeping man’s skull

1

48. The Lord set every man’s sword against his fellow

120,000

49. A city is massacred and 1000 people burn to death because of God’s evil spirit

More than 1001

Estimate: 2,000

50. The Ammonite massacre

Estimate: 20,000

51. Jephthah’s Daughter

1

52. 42,000 killed for failing the “shibboleth” test

42,000

53. The spirit of the Lord came upon Samson and he murdered thirty men for their clothes

30

54. The spirit of the Lord came upon Samson and he killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass

1000

55. Samson killed 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack

3,000

56. A holy civil war (It had something to do with rotting concubine body part messages)

65,100

57. The End of Judges: Two genocides and 200 stolen virgins

Estimate: 4,000

58. God kills Eli’s sons and 34,000 Israelite soldiers

34,002

59. God smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts

Estimate: 3,000

60. 50,070 killed for looking into the ark of the Lord

50,070

61. The Lord thundered great thunder upon the Philistines

Estimate: 1000

62. Another Ammonite massacre (and another God-inspired body part message)

Estimate: 1000

63. Jonathan’s very first slaughter (not counting the one before)

20

64. God forces the Philistines to kill each other

Estimate: 1000

65. The Amalekite genocide

Estimate: 10,000

66. Samuel hacks Agag to death before the Lord

1

67. In the Valley of Elah: Goliath

1

68. David buys a wife with 200 Philistines foreskins

200

69. The Lord said to David, Go and smite the Philistines

Estimate: 10,000

70. God killed Nabal (and David got his wife and other stuff)

1

71. David commits random acts of genocide (as a mercenary for the Philistines)

Estimate: 60,000

72. David spends the day killing Amalekites

Estimate: 1000

73. God killed Saul (and his sons and soldiers) for not killing all the Amalekites

More than 4

Estimate: 100

74. David killed the messenger

1

75. David killed Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hung their bodies over the pool

2

76. God helps David smite the Philistines from the front and the rear

Estimate: 2,000

77. God killed Uzzah for trying to keep the ark from falling

1

78. David killed two thirds of the Moabite POWs and enslaved the rest

Estimate: 667

79. The Lord gave David victory wherever he went

More than 65,850

Estimate: 66,850

80. David killed every male in Edom

More than 15,000

Estimate: 65,000

81. Thus did David unto all the children of Ammon

Estimate: 1000

82. God slowly kills a baby

1

83. Famine and human sacrifice

Many more than 7

Estimate: 3,000

84. David’s mighty men and their amazing killings

More than 1403

Estimate: 3,400

85. God killed 70,000 because David had a census that God (or Satan) told him to do

More than 70,000

Estimate: 200,000

86. Solomon carried out the deathbed wish of David by having Joab and Shimei murdered

2

87. A tale of two prophets

1

88. Jeroboam’s son: God kills another child

1

89. Jeroboam’s family

Estimate: 10

90. Baasha’s family and friends

Estimate: 20

91. Zimri burns to death

1

92. The Drought of Elijah

Estimate: 3,000

93. Elijah kills 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest

At least 450

Possibly 850 (450 was used as the estimate)

94. The first God assisted slaughter of the Syrians

Estimate: 10,000

95. God killed 100,000 Syrians for calling him a God of the hills

100,000

96. God killed 27,000 Syrians by making a wall fall on them

27,000

97. God sent a lion to kill a man for not smiting a prophet

1

98. God killed Ahab for not killing a captured king

1

99. God burned 102 men to death for asking Elijah to come down from his hill

102

100. God killed king Ahaziah for asking the wrong God

1

101. God sent two bears to rip apart 42 boys for making fun of a prophet’s bald head

42

102. The Lord delivered the Moabites

Estimate: 5,000

103. A skeptic is trampled to death

1

104. God’s seven year famine

Estimate: 7,000

105. Jehoram of Israel

1

106. Jezebel

1

107. Ahab’s sons: Seventy heads in two heaps

70

108. Ahab’s hometown family, friends, and priests

Estimate: 20

109. Jehu killed Ahaziah’s family

42

110. Jehu and his partner show their zeal for the Lord by killing the rest of Ahab’s family

Estimate: 20

111. Jehu assembles the followers of Baal and then slaughters them all

Estimate: 1000

112. The priest of Baal and Queen Athaliah

2

113. God sent lions to eat those that didn’t fear him enough

Estimate: 10

114. An angel killed 185,000 sleeping soldiers

185,000

115. God caused King Sennacherib to be killed by his sons

1

116. Josiah killed all the priests of the high places

Estimate: 100

117. Just another holy war

Estimate: 50. 000

118. God killed a half million Israelite soldiers

500,000

119. Jeroboam

1

120. God killed a million Ethiopians

1,000,000

121. Friendly Fire: God forced “a great multitude” to kill each other

Estimate: 30,000

122. God made Jehoram’s bowels fall out

1

123. God killed Jehoram’s sons

Estimate: 3

124. Ahaziah (of Judah)

1

125. Joash, the princes, and army of Judah

Many more than 1

Estimate: 10,000

126. God destroyed Amaziah

More than 1

Estimate: 1000

127. God smote Ahaz with the king of Syria

Many more than 1

Estimate: 10,000

128. God killed 120,000 valiant men for forsaking him

120,000

129. The fall of Jerusalem

Estimate: 10,000

130. God and Satan kill Job’s children and slaves

More than 10

Estimate: 60

131. Hananiah

1

132. Ezekiel’s wife

1

133. Ananias and Sapphira

2

134. Herod Aggripa

1

135. Jesus

1

Totals:

Biblical Numbers Only: 2,476,636

Estimate: 24,634,205

Illustrations

Cover: Michelangelo Buonarroti

Introduction: Julius Schnorr von Carolsfeld (Apocolypse)

1 Max Koch (Genesis 7.21-23)

2 Gustave Doré (Genesis 14.17)

3 Edward Armitage (Genesis 19.24)

7 Gustave Doré (Genesis 41.54-57)

9 Lawrence Alma-Tadema (Exodus 12.29-30)

10 Gustave Doré (Exodus 14.27-28)

12 Julius Schnorr von Carolsfeld (Exodus 32.27-28)

14 James Tissot (Leviticus 10.1-2)

15 Gerard Hoet (Leviticus 24.23)

18 Gustave Doré (Numbers 14.36-37)

20 Gustave Doré (Numbers 16.31-33)

22 James Tissot (Numbers 16.49)

31 Gustave Doré (Joshua 6.21)

32 Gustave Doré (Joshua 7.24-26)

33 Gustave Doré (Joshua 8.21-29)

34 Gustave Doré (Joshua 10.10-12)

49 Gustave Doré (Judges 9.23-57)

51 unknown (Judges 11.39)

54 Gustave Doré (Judges 15.14-15)

55 Gustave Doré (Judges 16.27-30)

57 Gustave Doré (Judges 21.10-14)

66 unknown (1 Samuel 15.32-33)

67 Gustave Doré (1 Samuel 17.49-54)

73 Gustave Doré (1 Samuel 31.1-4)

81 Gustave Doré (2 Samuel 11.1, 1 Chronicles 20.1)

87 Gustave Doré (1 Kings 13.23-24)

93 Gustave Doré (1 Kings 18.40)

95 Gustave Doré (1 Kings 20.29)

99 Gustave Doré (2 Kings 1.10-12)

101 Gustave Doré (2 Kings 2.23-24)

106 Gustave Doré (2 Kings 9.33)

113 Gustave Doré (2 Kings 17.25-26)

114 Gustave Doré (2 Kings 19.35, Isaiah 37.36)

121 Gustave Doré (2 Chronicles 20.22-23)

135 Gustave Doré ( Romans 8.32, 1 Peter 1.18-20)

Acknowledgments

I’d like to thank those who commented at my blog, Dwindling in Unbelief, as I worked my way through God’s killings. The discussions there helped me decide which killings to include, how many deaths to count, and helped me correct countless mistakes in both form and fact.  Special thanks to Abielle, Baconsbud, busterggi, Brendan, Brucker, Clint Burky, Daniel, Fragged mind, FrodoSaves, I Am, I am the wise fool, Ian G., joshua, Markus Arelius, matt311, Matthew Blanchette, Misty, psybermonkey, Robert, sconner, skanksta, teavee, twillight, uzza, and v_quixotic.

About the author

Steve Wells is the creator of The Skeptic’s Annotated Bible / Quran / Book of Mormon (http://skepticsannotatedbible.com ) and is the author of the blog, Dwindling in Unbelief (http://dwindlinginunbelief.blogspot.com). He has spent way too much time (the last 20 years)  analyzing the three worst books ever written.

Giordano Bruno  (1548-1600) was an Italian Dominican friar, philosopher, mathematician and astronomer, who is best known as a proponent of the infinity of the universe. His cosmological theories went beyond the Copernican model in identifying the sun as just one of an infinite number of independently moving heavenly bodies, with stars being similar in nature to the sun. He was burned at the stake February 17, 1600 after the Roman Inquisition found him guilty of heresy, and is, therefore, rightfully regarded as a martyr for science and free thought.

Table of Contents

Introduction

- How many did God kill?

- Who has killed more, Satan or God?

- Estimated totals: Satan and God

- How many more will God kill?

1. The Flood of Noah: All flesh died that moved upon the earth

2. Abraham's war to rescue Lot

3. Sodom and Gomorrah: Shall I hide from Abraham the thing that I do?

4. Remember Lot’s wife (Forget Jesus)

5. Er was wicked in the sight of the Lord (so the Lord slew him)

6. Onan spilled it on the ground(so the Lord killed him too)

7. God’s seven year, world-wide famine

8. The seventh plague of Egypt:Hail shall come down upon them and they shall die

9. The Lord smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt

10. The Lord took off their chariot wheels

11. The Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation

12. Who is on the Lord’s side:Forcing friends and family to kill each other

13. The Lord plagued the people because of the calf that Aaron made

14. God burns Aaron’s sons to death for offering “strange fire”

15. A blasphemer is stoned to death

16. When the people complained, God burned them to death

17. While the flesh was still between their teeth, the Lord smote them with a very great plague

18. Ten scouts are killed for their honest report

19. A man gathering sticks on the Sabbath day

20. The opposing party is buried alive(along with their families)

21. God burns 250 people to death for burning incense

22. God killed 14,700 for complaining about God’s killings

23. The massacre of the Aradites

24. God sent fiery serpents to bite the people for complaining about the lack of food and water

25. Phinehas' double murder:A killing to end God’s killing

26. The Midianite massacre: Have you saved all the women alive?

27. God slowly killed the Israelite army

28. God the giant killer

29. God hardens King Sihon’s heart so that all his people can be killed

30. All the men, women, and children in 60 cities

31. The Jericho massacre

32. Achan and his family are stoned and burned to death

33. The Ai massacre

34. God stops the sun so that Joshua can get his killing done in the daylight

35. Five kings killed and hung on trees

36. Joshua utterly destroyed all that breathed as the Lord God commanded

37. The genocide of twenty kingdoms

38. The Anakim: Some more giant killing

39. The Lord delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites

40. The Jerusalem massacre

41. Five massacres, a wedding, and some God-proof iron chariots

42. The Lord delivered Chushanrishathaim
43. Ehud delivers a message from God
44. God delivers 10,000 lusty Moabites

45. Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad

46. Barak and God massacre the Canaanites

47. Jael pounds a tent stake through a sleeping man’s skull

48. Gideon's story: The Lord set every man’s sword against his fellow

49. A city is massacred and 1000 burn to death because of God’s evil spirit

50. The Ammonite massacre

51. Jephthah’s daughter

52. 42,000 killed for failing the “shibboleth” test

53. The spirit of the Lord came upon Samson and he murdered thirty men for their clothes

54. The spirit of the Lord came upon Samson and he killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass

55. Samson killed 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack

56. A holy civil war (It had something to do with rotting, concubine body-part messages)

57. The end of Judges: Two genocides and 200 stolen virgins

58. God kills Eli’s sons and 34,000 Israelite soldiers

59. God smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts

60. 50,070 killed for looking into the ark of the Lord

61. The Lord thundered great thunder upon the Philistines

62. Another Ammonite massacre (and another God-inspired, body-part message)

63. Jonathan’s very first slaughter (not counting the one before)

64. God forces the Philistines to kill each other

65. The Amalekite genocide

66. Samuel hacks Agag to death before the Lord

67. In the valley of Elah: Goliath

68. David buys a wife with 200 Philistine foreskins

69. The Lord said to David, Go and smite the Philistines

70. God killed Nabal (and David got his wife and other stuff)

71. David commits random acts of genocide (as a mercenary for the Philistines)

72. David spends the day killing Amalekites

73. God killed Saul (and his sons and soldiers) for not killing all the Amalekites

74. David killed the messenger

75. David killed Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hung their bodies over the pool

76. God helps David smite the Philistines from the front and the rear

77. God killed Uzzah for trying to keep the ark from falling

78. David killed two-thirds of the Moabite POWs and enslaved the rest

79. The Lord gave David victory wherever he went

80. David killed every male in Edom

81. Thus did David unto all the children of Ammon

82. God slowly kills a baby

83. Famine and human sacrifice: Seven sons of Saul are hung up before the Lord

84. David’s mighty men and their amazing killings

85. God killed 70,000 because David had a census that God (or Satan) told him to do

86. Solomon carried out the deathbed wish of David by having Joab and Shimei murdered

87. A tale of two prophets
88. Jeroboam’s son: God kills another child
89. Jeroboam’s family
90. Baasha’s family and friends
91. Zimri burns to death
92. The drought of Elijah

93. Elijah kills 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest

94. The first God-assisted slaughter of the Syrians

95. God killed 100,000 Syrians for calling him a god of the hills

96. God killed 27,000 Syrians by making a wall fall on them

97. God sent a lion to kill a man for not smiting a prophet

98. God killed Ahab for not killing a captured king

99. God burned 102 men to death for asking Elijah to come down from his hill

100. God killed Ahaziah (of Israel) for asking the wrong God

101. God sent two bears to rip apart 42 boys for making fun of a prophet’s bald head

102. The Lord delivered the Moabites
103. A skeptic is trampled to death
104. God’s seven year famine
105. Jehoram of Israel
106. Jezebel
107. Ahab’s sons: Seventy heads in two heaps

108. Ahab’s hometown family, friends, and priests

109. Jehu killed Ahaziah’s family

110. Jehu and his partner show their zeal for the Lord by killing the rest of Ahab’s family

111. Jehu assembles the followers of Baal and then slaughters them all

112. The priest of Baal and Queen Athaliah

113. God sent lions to eat those that didn’t fear him enough

114. An angel killed 185,000 sleeping soldiers

115. God caused King Sennacherib to be killed by his sons

116. Josiah killed all the priests of the high places

117. Just another holy war

118. God killed a half million Israelite soldiers

119. Jeroboam

120. God killed a million Ethiopians

121. Friendly Fire: God forced “a great multitude” to kill each other

122. God made Jehoram’s bowels fall out
123. God killed Jehoram’s sons
124. Ahaziah (of Judah)
125. Joash, the princes, and army of Judah
126. God destroyed Amaziah
127. God smote Ahaz with the king of Syria

128. God killed 120,000 valiant men for forsaking him

129. The fall of Jerusalem

130. God and Satan kill Job’s children and slaves

131. Hananiah
132. Ezekiel’s wife
133. Ananias and Sapphira
134. Herod Aggripa
135. Jesus
Afterword
A list of God’s killings
Illustrations
Acknowledgments
About the author